KILL TONY - KILL TONY #448 – QUARANTINED #3

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/30/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe, and he has tour dates, and he has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the

house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters, and he has a huge sale going on right now, so go to RyanJEbelt.com, and last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Better Box Studios for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hello, everyone. Welcome back yet again. Here we are, live, Better Box Studios, Kill Tony, the number one, formerly the number one live podcast in the world. While we are streaming, there is no audience. the world. While we are streaming, there is no audience. We are here, secluded away, safe distances away from one another, practicing social distancing as you should be as well. Live from Betterbox Studios. Shout out to Betterbox Studios, an unbelievable place. Gino from Speedweed, one of the legends of Kill Tony, lets us coop up here and stream live out of here, practicing safe social distancing. Shout out to Vito's Pizza, our boy Charlie, keeping us fed, keeping us hungry.

We got Caveman Coffee running through our veins. Make sure you get Vito's Pizza if you're in the Los Angeles area. Get it delivered to you while you can right now. Delicious. Shout out to Caveman Coffee. Use the promo code KILTONI. Get your nitro and save a little bit of money, 10% or 20%, and let them know that we sent you.

Go to damngoodco.com. Buy a candle. Tag KILTONI on Instagram at Kill Tony Show. And you, my friend, if you tag us, we will repost a picture with you and your candle on our Instagram stories. How about that? Damn good co.com. Tag at Kill Tony Show on Instagram and you'll get reposted in our story. We have dates coming up, believe it or not, people.

While other people are just canceling, we are rescheduling. We are going to the Miami Improv July 31st and August 1st. That's Tony Hinchcliffe live with some of the cast members and then a Kill Tony show following that immediately. So those are both nights, Tony Hinchcliffe headlining plus Kill Tony shows right afterwards. Moon Tower Comedy Festival has been rescheduled to

September 16th through the 19th. October 14th and 15th we're on the road to Kill Tony Mania back at Sacramento. October 16th, 17th, and 18th we are at Cobbs in San Francisco. That is Kill Tony Mania, the do not miss event of the year for Kill Tony fans. People fly from all around the world to be at those events.

We put on a heck of a show featuring a bunch of special guests and people that you know and love from the show. We are currently in talks. Perhaps it will be October 13th. Maybe it'll be another date, but I will announce right now that we are going to Bakersfield, a Tembler Brewing Company, an unbelievable venue that I have done stand-up comedy at. A lot of our favorites have done stand-up there, and it's a lot of fun. So Kill Tony, as of now, is going there in October.

October 30th and 31st, Tacoma, Washington. That's your big reschedule. We had sold it out, packed it out. It was supposed to be last weekend. It's now Halloween weekend, a special scary episode of Kill Tony. Washington, D.C. We had so much fun there just recently that we are going back in almost less than a year. November 19th, 20th, and 21st.

That's a Kill Tony on the 19th, Tony Hinchcliffe and Kill Tony on the 20th, and Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe on the 21st. Two stand-up shows on that Saturday. Fun fucking times, ladies and gentlemen. Everybody is under quarantine. We've not missed a single episode. While we had to turn down, of course, having our audience that we love and feed off of.

We have had the last two episodes be a little bit different. However, we're getting back to some of the roots of the show here today. We're going to watch people do 60-second sets of stand-up comedy that have been sent in, and then we're going to interview them after that 60 seconds. And another big change from the last two episodes, Red Band, is that we have a band on the show. And while the band has been themselves the last two episodes, a special surprise for those of you watching the stream and listening to this podcast is that they are back in character tonight.

We don't know what they're going to be. Well, I guess Red Band sort of does because he gets the music beforehand, maybe. But I don't know what they're going to be. Well, I guess Red Band sort of does because he gets the music beforehand maybe. But I don't know what they're going to be. And I'm excited to find out who's joining us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, they've been getting ready in an entirely different room. They are in character. And I present to you, without any further ado, the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Jesse Johnson, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. Let's see what they... Oh my god. Wow. Oh my god. The Tiger,

the Tiger King, and Harold Batch. From the Netflix series Tiger King and Carole Baskin from the hit Netflix series Tiger King. They are here. We are all six feet apart right now. We are practicing social distancing at its finest, everybody. This is incredible. Joel looks like a real tiger.

Jeremiah looks exactly like the Tiger King. And Jesse Johnson looks shockingly like Carole Baskin. The murderer. So let's get started. Tiger King, nice to meet you. I absolutely love your Netflix series. Welcome to Kill Tony. Do you know the show that you're at?

Yeah, I'm very aware of the show that I'm at. uh yeah i'm very aware of the show that i'm at uh you know i do have uh my own uh online studio like this uh so it's nice to see other people producing this show oh my god yikes wow powerful then you're sitting next to your arch rival the the... Carol Baskin is a fucking bitch. Oh, my God. Hi, I'm Carol Baskin, and I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be here. Wow, Carol, we are so happy to have you. What's it like to be sitting this close to one of your bitter rivals, the Tiger King, Joe Exotic? Whoa, that's a gun.

Jesus Christ. Joe, put the gun away. Where's the red tip on that? Whoa, there's a... I spray painted it off. Joe, put the gun away. Where's the red tip on that? Whoa. I spray painted it off. That's a felony in some states. Yeah. Including this one.

Oh, my God. Joe Exotic. Carol, are you okay? Do you feel safe? You just put a gun to your head. Oh, this is the only pussy I don't like. Oh, wow. And then clearly over here we have a gay tiger, everyone.

Wow, I've never seen a gay tiger before. He's one of mine. Wow. That's right, Tony. My name is also Tony. I'm a gay tiger. Oh, wow. I love man meat.

Wow. I did eat Carole Baskin's husband. Oh, so it's true, Carole. Tony, I got a joke for you. What's the tiger's favorite alcoholic drink? What is it's true, Carol. Tony, I got a joke for you. What's the tiger's favorite alcoholic drink? What is it? White Claw. Yeah!

Wow, he's an annoying, gay, gagging tiger, everybody. I want to, I'm trying to save that tiger right now. He thinks he's gay, but he's not. He's brainwashed him. I turned him. Oh my god. This is incredible. Please donate to the show let's save this tiger please i love it absolutely wow perhaps three of my favorite characters we've ever had on

this show absolute spot on this is incredible i am so excited and uh so let's just jump right into it we have red van and his wacky sound. We have the entire main cast of the hit Netflix series, The Tiger King. And with no further ado, a bunch of people sent in a minute, and we haven't reviewed any of them. We have no idea what's about to happen. However, our amazing squad over here at Betterbox, the great Gage and Anthony. That's Gage Tyrena, G-A-G-E-T. Tyrena. Tyrena, T-I-J-E-R-N-A.

Wait, is this one of your boyfriends, Joe? Maybe. Oh, my God. And the great Anthony Cardoza, I do believe is his name. Anthony Whitlocks. Anthony Whitlocks. Almost had it. Follow him on social media at, what was that again i had it last week it was uh

strange taste underscore wow strange underscore i feel like joe's had a few of those in his mouth before right me too yeah you could say that oh my god that is incredible dude so let's jump right into it they uh they went through uh what appears to be over 70 different submissions just this week. That's just from people that obviously watched the stream because this episode just dropped two days ago on iTunes. So with no further ado, let's find out what Gage gave us. And we're going to watch our first minute. And the first comedian doing a minute goes by the name of Lucas Treleven, everybody. One more time for Lucas Treleven. Everyone.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So I have two dads. The great thing about having two dads is that they don't give a fuck about you or what you're up to. Yeah, for real. It took till yesterday for one of my dads to text me, hey, how's work? Yeah.

To be clear, my dads aren't gay. It's just me, my dad, and my stepdad. And don't even try it. I've already bought the rights to that porno name. So that's for me. I am lucky though. I have been working from home during this. And the great thing about working from home is you don't, you don't really work. You just get paid to wake up to your alarm clock. Like for real, I think at this point I sent more dick pics than emails. It's been a really horny time during this crisis. Honestly, I find myself in my DMs saying shit like,

as per my last dick pic, can we maybe push up the nude deliverables to ASAP? And maybe we'll circle back on the question about your family. Cheers. Wow, look at that. Exactly one minute from Lucas. Oh, yeah. That is In the Jungle from the hit band The Tiger King. Lucas Treleven.

Am I saying that correctly? Yeah, Treleven. Like the number. Hi, Lucas. Yes, just the number. It comes after 10. Everybody knows it's 9-10-Treleven. Welcome, Lucas.

How are you, my friend? I'm good. I'm great. I happen to be here. Well, we appreciate your submission. Was that the first time you've ever done a stand-up comedy? Actually, no. Over the past two years, I've probably done it like 20 times at random open mics around where I live.

Where do you live? I live in Toronto, Canada. Oh, wow. Look at that. Joe's Corner. Oh, wow. Look at that. Joe's Corner. Heck yeah, absolutely. Can I just say I appreciate the production value that went into that, me being, you know, having a hit show online like myself.

I love even the backdrop that you have and even the professional microphone that you're using because I'm guessing there's going to be some people calling in on their phones later. That's a good point, Joe Exotic. Thank you. Joe Exotic, you seem like you might be in his type. Have you ever hooked up with a man before, Lucas? I have not.

I have not. Well, that doesn't make you not gay. Do you like meth? Yeah. You ever fucked a tiger before? That's actually what he's into. He's into straight guys that actually don't want to fuck him. So you might be

uh you might be perfect for that i'm looking at you red man hey let's talk about let's talk about your set for a second here uh you have two dads that you live with uh i don't live with either of them actually uh i just uh hang out with them sometimes and are the moms still in the picture here uh no so my mom actually passed away last year, so that's how I came to have two dads. Did she find your dad fucking another guy when she died? Wow.

Red band. Red band didn't listen to any of your set at all. Neither one are gay. Have you looked into Carole Baskin being the reason that your mom is dead? Okay, now that's just crazy. I think Carole Baskin murdered your mother.

Can I just say it? I'm saying it. Here we go. Here we go. Shut up, bitch. Carole, I'm going to fucking... Oh, come on. Put the gun away.

Put the gun away. Tony, get down. Tony, get down. No, no, no. You got Tony. I have to eat your fucking guts. Oh, my God. How dare you?

This place is out of control right now. This is like living on the farmlands of, what is it, Louisiana or Florida? Where are you guys from again? Well, it depends. Are you talking about Carol Basher or are you talking about me? Wow. By the way, it's very awkward watching somebody do comedy over the internet without an audience and stuff like that. I think it's really almost unfair.

You don't really understand how that would have worked, if it would have worked, if it wouldn't have worked. Oh, I know how it would have worked. I know. You don't know how it would have worked. You never know. I know. I know. I know how it would have worked.

I have what we're calling educated eyes. But yes, all of these sets obviously are going to be awkward because there is no audience um a lot like every video joe's made oh shots fired okay my goodness so lucas uh working from home you said but did you say exactly what it is that you do no i i didn't i am i'm a motion graphics animator i do corporate videos oh cool very fun how about how about in your personal life any hobbies or anything fun about you that we'd be shocked to know honestly i play a lot of video games uh red bay might like this i love vr and so i've done i've actually done some stand-up in vr as well trying in vr chat in vr chat yeah that's the

shit it's it's great except just like little kids walk up to you they don't know what's going on and as well, trying out the VR chat. In VR chat? Yeah, that's the shit. It's great, except just like little kids walk up to you, they don't know what's going on, and they just talk shit and do better. Oh, that's Red Band's favorite part actually, is when little kids walk up to them and don't know what's going on. VR chat's interesting because, if you don't know what it is, it's like a chat room where everyone's a character,

kind of like Ready Player One. So you're there with SpongeBob and Burger King and all that stuff. But the cool thing is, is if you're doing comedy in this place, there's actually an audience. Sometimes there's up to like 20 people that are actually watching you.

So it's a fun way to do the standup when you can and actually have an audience. I used to do it as a golden Kermit the Frog. That's how I went up. Oh boy, you named one of the four impressions Red Band knows how to do. So he's going to shove it down our throats for the next 60 seconds.

That's great. Wow, that sounds just like him. Ray Romano, perhaps. Ray Romano? Can you do Cartman? How about Donald Duck? Wow. You mean Sour Buddy?

Can we get this guy on America's Got Talent? Seven years of doing this podcast, I've learned the four impressions he knows how to do. Oh, I don't know them all. So, Lucas, you're... That was a dead-on Jimmy Stewart. This guy's got talent. Jimmy Stewart. I always forget the ones that are before my time. Hey, St. Clarence got his wings.

You should say that. Oh, somebody's got his wings. All right. Okay. Very good. Very good, guys. Fucking shoot up this place. Oh, but they got away, Joe.

So, Lucas, you have a nice setup there, a nice studio. Is that all in your apartment? Yeah, this is just in my bedroom. Wow. I just have like a kind of throw up green screen what an incredible setup you have and you and you set that up to make it look like the kill tony backdrop for your video yeah incredible stuff what else do you have uh what else do you have around uh your apartment is that on a phone right now is that on a stand

this is on uh this is on a webcam right now oh i have a nice webcam hooked up to my computer Can we see what's in your nightstand? No Hey, look at that He thought about it for a second I think I may have found my next victim Oh boy

I like that I love it. Lucas, do you have a girlfriend? I don't. I'm single. Enchante. Oh, God. When's the last time you had a relationship with a woman? I actually broke up with my last girlfriend in October.

Why? Honestly, it wasn't really going anywhere. Ah, where did you want it to go? Winnipeg? I just, at the end of the day, she kind of like didn't want me to be an idiot and stuff. And sometimes I like to just have fun and be silly. And she was kind of like, just not the same type of person.

Yeah. Did she ever do anything kinky to you when you were playing VR or anything? Give you one of those VR BJs? No, she would have hated that. Right. Seems like she hated everything. She seems like a hateful person. How'd your mom die? Did she go to

Costa Rica? Oh, come on. Carol. Why do you do that quote like that, Carol? Well, did I? I think that's reference to you going to Costa Rica, but they found out

you were in Miami or in Florida. No, it was your husband claimed to go to Costa Rica and then he magically disappeared. He went to Costa Rica. Oh, that's right.

You went to the place where people disappear and Breaking Bad. What was it? Galapagos. Galapagos. Belize, yeah.

I kept posting on Facebook that I was in Belize. How was that trip? What did you learn in Belize? It was un-Belize-able. Man, you just walked into that, you faggot. Love it. What a setup. Wow.

So how'd your mom die, Lucas? Cancer. Oh, fuck. My goodness. I was hoping it was going to be something exciting like a train wreck or something like that. Oh, yeah, I wish. Just the old C word. My goodness.

Wow. Yikes. Was that a long process or was it pretty quick? It was pretty long. It was like about five years, somewhat. Oh, Jesus. My goodness. I'm sorry to hear that.

Anything funny happen during that entire time? Anything crazy? She ever like accidentally pee on you or anything like that? No. I don't know, guys. Good Lord, Tony. Everybody scoffs at me. I'm trying to make interesting content here.

Lucas is laughing. I like it. I still have souls and are trying to get to half an elite. I thought it was hilarious. I got a good one about my grandfather, actually. My grandfather died about a year before she did. And on his deathbed, we were going in

individually to visit him. My brother went in and then I went in after him. And the last thing he said to me was he shuddered and he said, we've got to kill that Jake kid, which is my brother. He said I should kill my brother, and that was the last words I heard from him. Wow, I love that. Is it related to Carole Baskin?

Oh, my God, Joe. Wow. All right. So Toronto, how's Toronto doing with the whole outbreak right now? Are you guys being pretty contained? It's quiet, yeah. I mean, I live across from the parking lot. There's like nobody there.

I live pretty well downtown. It's very, very quiet in the streets. Wow. A couple people fighting, though. I've seen a lot of road rage videos. Really? Yeah. Interesting.

Surprisingly. Well, Lucas, we appreciate you submitting. We appreciate you chatting with us. This was a fun time. Thank you. Way to get the show kick-started. We love your production. And your jokes were good, too.

Thank you so much. Lucas, Trey Levin, everybody. Here we go. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. The lion slays tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. No social media from Lucas Lucas Trey Levin, but I'm sure that if you search his name, that'll pop up.

So let's just keep this fun train moving along, shall we? Let's get another comedian submission in here. This is a new minute from the comedy stylings of Fi Kalar, everyone. A new minute from the comedy stylings of fee color everyone a new minute from fee here fee color everyone hi i'm fee which is short for feet i sell pictures of myself to strange men online. But my quarantine buddy is my cat Ellie. She's super sweet, but she's really good at finding those annoying triggers that can pull you out of REM sleep to wake you up to feed her. Like she used to knock water on my hardwood floors

or scoot the glass back and forth or tink, tink, tink with her nail or pick at my headboards and i would do everything to get her to stop doing those and now she comes and sits on my pillow and gets right up in my ear and is like i wish you were more manly and i'm like fuck you god i'm up geez i don't even learn that stuff my dad but now she does this thing where she sits in front of the mirror and like cry meows or hisses at herself. I'm like, what is that all about? She's like, I learned it from you. She just makes me realize all the times that I sit in front of the mirror being like.

Wow. That was incredible. Right at a minute. That noise that I had. Beautiful. My goodness. That was incredible. Right at a minute, the noise of the cat. What are they thinking? Beautiful. My goodness, the band killing it here tonight. And we are live with Fi Kalar.

Am I saying that right? Kalar, but yeah, close enough. Everyone says it different. We're having a little bit of trouble with the sound on Fi. Can we, we're good now? Oh, we got you, Fi. We got you. Got it. Hi hi how's it going am i saying that right fee kaler fee kaler fee kaler so welcome fee and uh where are you submitting

from minneapolis minnesota hey we love minneapolis we had a a fun show there a little under a year ago last summer. Yeah, I missed that one. That's about when I started doing stand-up. Oh, okay. All right. So you started this past summer, and you've been doing open mics around Minneapolis? I went pretty hard in the fall and then dropped off in the winterish time, just because that's what Minnesotans do.

But I got a gig on a local sketch show doing writing and acting. So I don't know when our next show is going to be with this whole quarantine thing. Right. Well, that's great. I love it. I absolutely love it. What a nice apartment you have. You live all by yourself?

Oh, yeah. That's a green screen, isn't all by yourself oh yeah that's a green screen no that's not a green screen that looks like a green screen if i've ever seen one before that's people outside of that with the technology there wow yeah do you want to join my production studio i'm looking for somebody who's lit really well i like that my goodness sure yeah yeah i don't have any job any jobs right now. I love that. What were you doing before the coronavirus struck? I was an electrical engineer.

Wow. I would not have guessed that. Very rare. Yeah, shocking. Yeah, very rare to have a female in the electric engineer business. That's why her lighting is so good. Yeah, that's true.

Now we're all thinking, where is that cat? Yeah, where's the cat at? Is she okay? Yeah, we got to take a look at that. She's sleeping on the futon in the back. What's the cat's name? Ellie, short for the Elegant Universe. Oh, my goodness.

Wow, you know how to read tarot cards don't you no that's actually after the brian green book on string theory oh oh okay is your cat fixed yes oh okay you were gonna breed it i was gonna breed that cat joe we gotta get you to i was gonna breed it okay if it I was going to breed that cat. I was going to breed the cat. Joe, we got to get you to stop. I was going to breed it, okay? If it ain't broke, don't fix it. You know what I'm saying? Ha!

Oh, my God. Tony the Tiger is out of control over here. Yes, Tony the Tiger. Tony's got a glimpse of your cat in the background there, and he's getting all horned up. I think we all are. Is your cat a boy or a girl girl i want nothing to do with that goodbye he's a gay cat he's a gay male cat i'm sorry he's a

he's not interested in ellie right now how about you you in a relationship uh fee uh it's sort of i don't know in and out dating in and out dating heck yeah how about during the uh the quarantine have you been hooking up with anyone or isolating at this point right it's a weird i'll catch up on the messages after yeah it is a weird time right now there are a lot of uh a lot of uh probably one could say like side chicks out there that are probably left all alone those poor side chicks right it's unbelievable yeah just sitting there realizing that uh they're actually an endangered species now i'm thinking about buying one my goodness gracious sophie uh what have you been doing to pass the time in your quarantining

uh well the first day i did a jigsaw puzzle and then i made a bunch of these masks give to friends that are still working and uh did a commercial for another podcast and looking into doing some oil painting and maybe get back into some music oh my goodness that is so cool that's one good thing about it this like everyone gets to kind of reset and just like like not work and rest and like do their hobbies that they've always wanted to do and then not have time for like i i find myself doing shit that I normally wouldn't do all the time. Running, exercising, eating healthy. Because of your

strenuous schedule of before, which was... No, we're always on the road. We're always, you know, comedy shows almost every week. I guess so. I mean, I guess so. I guess that's one way of doing it. The road is, yes, exhausting, but... So exhausting in those limos and eating lobsters.

It's just incredible out there. It's insane. So, wow. So, Fi, you're born and raised in Minneapolis? Duluth area. Oh, Duluth. Nice. And any outdoor things that you normally do that you're not doing due to this quarantine?

I bike to work every day, so I haven't been biking. Right, right. Interesting. Which I have to give my bike a tune-up, so I should probably do that. What was that fee? I missed that. I have to give my bike a tune-up anyway, so maybe that's another project I can do while I'm in quarantine right for sure that's what Red Band is doing right you've been oiling up your roller

blades I've been roller blading while riding my bike it's fun it's like adding more wheels to your bike yeah that's double the exercise now is Fi short for anything like Wee Fi or anything like that he's named after this

interesting oh nice Is Fi short for anything, like Wee Fee or anything like that? He's named after this. It's Philip, but... Interesting. Nice. Oh, nice. So you were once Philip? Yes. I'm one of those they people. The artist formerly known as Philip.

Non-binaries. Oh, awesome. How long ago did you make that transition? I came out maybe like two or three years ago. Oh, wow. Heck yeah. You moved fast there, Fi. Look at you. My goodness. Was that challenging being you in Duluth and Minneapolis?

I guess Minneapolis is actually famous for being one of the more progressive places, especially when it comes to sexuality. I've had a good queer community for over 15 years now, so it was easy to

come out when I was ready. I ain't into that. I I was ready. Amen to that. Amen to that. I got two husbands. Joe Exotic. Joe Exotic is famous for saying that he's queerer than a $3 bill. No, I'm gayer than a $3 bill. Oh. Don't misrepresent me by putting words in my mouth, this fucking bitch.

No, don't do it. Don't shoot her. Don't shoot her. Don't shoot her. I'm not fazed by a gun. That's how I met my last husband. I will feed you to this tiger like you fed your husband to the tigers. So, feed it. Your family,

what was it like with your family? Were they happy? I'm always interested in the dynamic it seems like such an interesting thing for some older people to understand and to grasp obviously someone related to them um making a transition like that was that easy for them to digest uh it took a few people some time to just sort of get used to it. But, you know, I just kept being me and being patient. And, you know, I had a lot of support and help. So that's great.

I didn't really feel like I was outcast or anything. I love that. So so you only have one cat? Yes. And is it true that it was that a joke or was it true that you sell pictures of your feet online red band wants to know that was just a that was just a joke about my name oh gotcha i'm selling pictures of my paws online you go to wikipaws.com. Oh my goodness. Tony's selling pictures of his paws. It's out of control. I love it.

Well, Fi, fun times. So nice to meet you. Your set was fun. Yes, nice to meet you. Next time we come back to Minneapolis,

come out to the show and make sure you sign up, all right? Thank you. Definitely, 100%. Fi Kalar, everybody.

There she goes. Fi Kalar. Yeah. Fi Kalar, everybody. There she goes. Fi Kalar. It's Nellie Kay. What are they feeding you? Yeah. So let's just jump right into it. We have three regulars on this show. We're going to switch things up and go completely backwards here tonight and start off with who normally goes last.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great, the powerful, Michael Lehrer, everyone. Here we go. Michael Lair, what's up? Hey, get out! I'm on TV! Hey, Tony. Hi, Ben.

Hi, Michael. I love you, Tiger King. Hi, Brian. Hello. I love you. Hi, Michael. Hi, Brian. Hello. I love you. Hi, Michael. Oh, man. Hey.

How's it going, bud? Hey, what's going on? It's good. You know. Yeah. Have you watched Tiger King? I have. I think it's overrated.

I do, too. Keep that up. I'll put you in a wheelchair,rated. I do too. Keep that up. I'll put you in a wheelchair, boy. He already is. You can't tell Joe, but he actually already is in a wheelchair. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. It's all right, man.

One of your tigers got me. I thought you looked familiar. Shit, I remember that. So, Michael, here we are. Week three of quarantine. What's shaking out there? Nothing. I wanted to talk to the audience about my past.

Uh-huh. Go right ahead. All right. So I used to be a professional improv sketch comedian, right? Yep. And I was fortunate enough to audition for Sunday Night Live. They flew me to New York, and I got to do the audition. So I wanted to kind of show the audience what that audition is like.

Oh, absolutely. We would love to see your live audition for Saturday Night Live. What year was this? About 2014 when Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong, Ka Mooney was at the audition but got hired a year later. And how it works is I was at Second City and they they come by, and they look at our show, and it was really funny, and they flew us home to New York. And then you go on the monologue stage, and they ask you to do characters and impressions. So I'm going to show you some of those.

Absolutely. Now, I obviously did not get the job, but I did go on and teach people how to audition for a job I did not get. Oh, the irony i love it so here we are the snl auditions of the great michael lair here we go now what you do they sit in the dark and they ice you out and you're in a little room and they'll keep you waiting for hours and you walk on the monologue stage and you give a little intro to your piece. This following character is a mobster who can't make the O sound. Right. All right? Okay, so here we go.

A mobster that can't make the O sound. Tony said, what if I might go mad? Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww.

Eww. Interesting. All right. Thank you. Wow. Wow. That was incredible. Perfect.

Thank you. Now, my next one would be a sketch on Sunday Night Live. Okay. And it goes like this. So imagine an on-location film sketch. All right? filmed sketch. Alright?

Party bus. Party bus. Party bus. Party bus. Drinking. Dancing. No rules. Except one rule.

No number twos. Alright? Yep. That is great. twos. Alright. That is great. You can't shit on the party bus. That's true. Can't shit on any bus. That's universal. Or private jets too. True.

I'll find out soon enough baby. Heaven has private jets. I'll find out soon enough, baby. Holy shit. Heaven has private jets. All right. I raised this. That's how I'm getting there. All right. Here's another one.

Another impression. All right. Here's another one, another impression. This is Nick Nolte from the HBO show Luck that was only on for one season because too many horses died while he was filming. That's true. I actually was a big fan of this show. I'm excited to see your impression of Nick Nolte from the HBO show Luck.

Here he is. Yeah. Yeah. You ain't never been around horses. Oh, my God. This guy's almost as talented as Red Bandit and Precious. What are you saying? Oh, my God, Michael. Every week, I sort of forget exactly how funny you are.

It shocks me. Can I do more if they're good? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. This is a sketch. I have

two more. I'll do both of them. Yeah, absolutely. Whatever you want. All right. This is a sketch and it's called, How Much Money For You To Let Me Watch My Programs? How much money for you to let me watch your programs?

My programs. How much money for you to let me watch my programs? Yeah. Me watch my programs. If you're in a relationship, watch a show. Exactly. Oh, gotcha. Yep, absolutely.

How much money for you to let me watch my programs? All right. Oh, that's it. Oh, that was great. No, no, no. Oh, okay, okay. I thought that was it. I thought that was funny.

But go ahead. No, let's do it. Here it is. I'm a professional. All right. That was, I mean, it worked. But go ahead. No, let's do it. Here it is. I'm a professional. All right. That was, I mean, it worked. All right. Thank you.

This is a parody of a travel show. I should say that. Okay. I'm traveling to bars around the world and asking how much money for you to let me watch my programs excuse me bartender please turn off the super bowl and put on downtown abby no know how much money for you to let me watch my program? $10,000 and I'll also

take them remote. Alright, one more and then I'm out of here. Oh my god, I could do this all night long but sure, one more, and then I'm out of here. Oh, my God. I could do this all night long, but sure. One more? You got it. One more. The best one.

Okay. This is my impression of Captain Crunch from Serial. Yeah. All right. Okay, here he is. Michael Laird and Captain Crunch. Okay, here he is, Michael Laird and Captain Crunch. Addressing his employees after the cereal Oops All Berries was made.

So this is Captain Crunch addressing his employees after the All Ber berries edition of Captain Crunch was made. Very good, Tony. Thank you, Michael. Thank you. Thank you. Here he is. Oops, all berries. Oops, all berries.

How could oops no money get paid this week? Are you kidding me? How is this a part of a world-famous breakfast? You think I want to be making cereal? I wouldn't be here if I didn't crash that cruise ship. Wow. Wow. That was incredible. Wow. Wow.

That was incredible. Captain Crunch, All Berries, addressing the employees. Michael, this may be yet, I think I say this every week, but this might be my favorite of all your performances ever. Absolutely incredible. Thank you. Tony, I bought all this on the wall for this show. I sent you receipts. Pay me your lawsuit. I like that art, man. That's pretty badass. Beautiful. Thank you. That is really, that is really, really cool. Wow. Well, Michael, you're unbelievable. Somehow you are as funny without an audience as you are with an audience, which says a lot because you're one of the biggest killers in the history of this show. We absolutely love you.

Thank you. You're welcome. And hopefully we'll see you soon. There he goes, the great Michael Blair. Miss you, Michael. Take care, guys. We love you, Michael. Miss you. Peace and love. There he goes, the great Michael Lehrer. Miss you, Michael. We love you, Michael. Peace and love. There he goes, the great Michael Lehrer. Fun times.

I miss him. The dream of the fight rising up to the air of the tiger. Yeah, the tiger king. I have the me. Yes, the Tiger King. I have the me. Yes, that's you, Tony. Tony, you gay tiger. Jesus. So let's keep it moving along here.

We are going to meet yet another stranger right now that has submitted to the show this week. And we are about to watch the comedy stylings of David Ramos, everyone. The band's going to play, and then we are about to watch the comedy stylings of David Ramos, everyone. The band's going to play, and then we're going to watch David. Up to the challenge of our rival. Here he is, David Ramos, everyone.

Hey, what's up, Kiltani? My name is Dave, and I'm not wearing any pants. I work as an EMT. Working in the medical field during the coronavirus outbreak is a lot like joining the armed forces on September 10, 2001. But it's not all that bad. I believe in the training. I'm trusting the general guidelines. You know, wash your hands with soap and water frequently was a cover your mouth when

you sneeze and cough don't do as to mouth and never ever take fruit from your Chinese co-worker that last one's a joke I don't believe that I don't believe there's any by any means a Chinese disease. Shell people believe Shell. They really do, but I don't. I don't believe that. However, I have been staying away from the Chinese food. I dearly miss it. Whenever I crack, I just order from the Panda Express, where you know it's cooked by Mexicans.

Same thing with my Italian craving. I don't go authentic. Not the right time. I call the Olive Garden where I know it was cooked by Mexicans. That is absolutely true. David Ramos, everyone. David.

David Ramos. David Ramos is here. What's up, David? What's up, Kiltani? How you guys doing? How's it going, my man? You look a lot paler than you did in the submission from a few days ago. I'm using my sister's professional lighting.

Oh, my goodness. That makes you a white guy, dude. Congratulations. Thank you. I just want to stay in this country. I love it. Absolutely. What part of the country are you stay in this country. I love it. Absolutely. What part of the country are you in?

I'm in Chicago, bro. Oh, Chicago. That explains the pasty, pale vibe that I'm getting. I like Chicago because you got Cubs there. Oh, that's a baseball. I noticed you had a lot of Star Wars figures in your video, and it looks like there's more behind you. Is that more Star Wars?

Well, Mr. Red Band, love you. These are my baseball bobbleheads. My Star Wars figures are on this side. I got my DC figures over here, and I got my Marvel figures. Are you a Cubs fan or White Sox fan? Cubs, son. And when are you going to become a Dodger fan and just fulfill your ultimate Mexican destiny?

Man, I think when they move on through LA, bro. Now, the only thing more Mexican than being a Dodger fan is having a picture of your dead grandmother over your shoulder. That's Yoda. That is Yoda. That's Yoda. Yes. That's Yorona.

This is my abuelita Yeah From Corona to Yorona What was your grandmother's name? Joelberg Your grandmother's name was Joelberg? What a coincidence Hola, amiguito

It's good to see you, eh? Oh my god How long did your grandma die uh 2012 well i can't do math did you guys have to put her down or was it natural causes she died she died of old i reckon oh wow she looks pretty young in the picture though is that a mug shot that's a weird picture to have of your grandmother. That's when she first got deported. She's a hologram. Oh, look at her.

She's forever on the internet. Look at that. Absolutely. 2012 in real life, but forever on the internet. My goodness gracious. It's probably good that she passed away, because after a certain know, they're not worth anything anymore. No, you're just talking about tigers. That's what we're talking about, right? No, that's a real

human woman there, Joe. Oh, okay. Yeah, it looks like she has no arms. She must work on your farm. What the hell, Karen? Yeah, you said you were in the armed forces. You must not work on your farm. What the hell is going on here? I don't appreciate this disrespect around here.

God damn, the jet ski is on the waters right now. Hell yeah, David knows what's up. Also, you were bragging about not wearing pants. Big fucking whoop, dude. I ain't wearing no clothes right now hell yeah david knows what's up also you were bragging about not wearing pants big fucking whoop dude i ain't wearing no clothes right now that's tiger this tiger is as naked as it gets he's nakeder than a gay tiger uh so david what do you do for work or what did you do for work until the coronavirus well i'm still going to work because i am uh this is kind of weird i'm an emt oh that's right you did that's a parent yeah i'm an emt in the jail so yeah so that's what you have to go to jail every day uh every fucking day and then you have to wait for a prisoner to get sick and then

you go and you take care of them. I got to go kiss their ass. Exactly, Tony. My goodness gracious. I love my dad. That is frightening. You must deal with a lot of crazy stuff out there. Anybody ever try to hurt you or mess with you? They try to mess with you and not hurt you when you're in medical because you're like the guy who helps out the inmates so they know that but uh they like to show you their dicks just to you know show you who join the club

yeah right right joe exotic you ever have a paramedic come and see you when you've been in prison uh not exactly in prison well i did get some stuff stuck up there that had to be removed at one point. But that's about the only thing. What did you get stuck up there? A wiener. Oh. You had to have a wiener medically removed from your butt? Yeah, it happens.

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. It happens? Yeah, it happens. The best of us. Like, often? Yeah. It's called Tuesday.

Has anybody ever had anything stuck up their butt that you've had to remove in prison oh yeah i don't remove but yes there's been lots of stuck stuff stuck in butts you know what they say if you don't trust your celly do not sleep on your belly Wow. Otherwise, it's about to get real smelly. Real smelly. God damn. That is incredible. So is that your place that you're in right now? This is my place. It's my, I got a two flat.

This is my floor, you know. Oh, nice. Who's on the other floor? My mother and my sister. They're upstairs? No, they're downstairs. Bad's on the other floor? My mother and my sister. They're upstairs? No, they're downstairs. Bad move on my part. Oh, okay.

Because they hear you. Why is that a bad move? Because you have to walk through there to get there. Do you hear them masturbating a lot at night? They hear it. I'm a dumper. Right. They hear you.

Yeah. Right. right absolutely how about your grandma does your grandma ever haunt your place with all the family there and everything we know that mexicans have a real knack for making like the virgin mary appear on toast and things like that you ever get any weird vibes uh no uh not weird vibes with my grandma. Uh, she died in peace. Um, I think there's something in the basement of this house, but I think that belonged to the, uh, last previous Polish owners. Old country guys. Right. Those Poles, you can't trust them.

That's interesting, uh, that your grandmother died in peace because, uh, Carol's husband died in pieces because he got fed to a fucking tiger. Oh my God, Joe. My goodness gracious. He's really accusing you, Carol, of killing your husband. I tried to swallow him whole, but it just wouldn't go down. I had to rip him up in the shreds.

You are a liger. How dare you? Oh my God. What a performance from the band here tonight david uh you have any hobbies you play any musical instruments or anything like that yeah i sure do uh play guitar i make funny songs i started no you don't foam helmets recently because, you know, COVID. Wacking off and I draw. I got a Kill Tony drawing somewhere. I was going to pull it out, but I couldn't get it out of the pile. Oh, wow.

You drew it, huh? Yeah, yeah. How about you have a guitar near you right now? You have an acoustic near you? Yes, I do. Do you have a quick funny song for us? I could do that for you. All right, here we go. David Ramos is going to play a quick funny song for us? I could do that for you. All right, here we go.

David Ramos is going to play a little funny song. By the way, is Ryan J. Ebelt drawing today? Yes, I forgot to mention that somehow. Fuck, he is drawing, and we're going to check in with his drawing at the end of the episode. Do you have his number gauge? Okay, good. He's also, he has a sale going right now on his website, ryanjebelt.com. That's true.

Okay, good. He has a sale going right now on his website, ryanjebelt.com. That's true. Every print and every poster in this show's history available now at that website, ryanjebelt.com. But for right now, here's a funny song, supposedly. We're going to find out from the great David Ramos all the way in Chicago, Illinois. Take it over, David. This song is called Majestic. Like a soaring, soaring rolling jeeps of Chicano Power Like a jam sesh become some brand new motherfucking song

Hey, like the city by the lake Or my ciudad of Monterrey Chicano Power, seriously And rock a fucking day Majestic from the get Wow, that was impressive. I wasn't actually expecting it to be that good, but you're like uh mexican jack black over there you're like jack brown yes it's juan negro my goodness oh that's racist look out

contagious d over here i can say it dude your faces that you make are hilarious he's like that was the funny part you're alone a lot guys if you ever want free drums, man, I'll play drums to that song if I'm ever in Chicago. Let's do it. Word, Joel Berg. Word. Look at that. That's a deal. So we'll do that next time we're in Chicago. How about that? Love you guys. There you go. There goes the great David Ramos,

everybody. Thank you, David. We appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate you. Don't get that Rona. I appreciate you. So, from a David to a David, let's just jump right into it. We have yet another regular on this show, absolutely hilarious human being. He's in double grounded quarantine right now. This guy went from New York to Atlanta for a couple days to spend time with his family because no better place to go than from New York City to Atlanta to hang out with your parents. And now he's back in L.A., quarantined as hell.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is david lucas everybody what's up david how are you what up man look at that you got a wife beater shirt and a girlfriend beater face look at you is that red bed i've never seen red bed without a hat no i shaved my head. I usually have hair. Bro, you look like Mrs. Doubtfire. I think I look like Bobby from King of the Hill. Bro, you look like something, though.

Oh, my God. We're going to make you a beautiful woman. Oh, my God. You're going to be the most beautiful woman we've ever seen. All right, all right. David, how's going to be the most beautiful woman we've ever seen. All right, all right. David, how's it going over there? What's that? Hey, how you doing?

You know exactly who I am. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just watched all your shit. You never know with a bandage. I'm impressed right now. Yeah, man. Yeah, everything going pretty good tony fucking making sure i come out of uh

quarantine a better person whenever we arise in june or whenever i don't believe that for a second i think that that leaves me to believe you've been up to some extra shady shit have you been like hooking up with girls and shit no hey man i just got finished vaping y'all shut that shit up but no no i've been around you vaping for a long time. I got a new vape, so I'm not used to it yet. Oh, yeah, that one's way weaker than the one you usually smoke, by the way. I smoke that one. Wow, there you go. Whatever, Red Dog.

You guys should have your own vape spinoff after this. What other symptoms do you have on a flamer? You look like the 14th president. Wait, which one of us are you making fun of? I don't know. What other symptoms do you have on a flamer? You look like the 14th president. Wait, which one of us are you making fun of? I don't know. The red band. He look like fucking Grover Cleveland.

Grover Cleveland? Grover Cleveland. Oh, my God. And you just look like Cleveland Brown. You do, actually. He does look like Grover Cleveland right now. You looking this up? Yeah, I'm looking up Grover Cleveland. You do.

He's got the glasses and everything. What does a Grover Cleveland look like? It's like a image. He just read his Wikipedia. Look at that. There it is. I do not look like that. It looks like the diabetes guy.

All right. I want to give a moment. Wilford Brimley? Redman, we got bad news for you. You're starting to look like him. Big fan of the movie. But for real, though, I walk fucking five miles a day. That's the longest I've ever walked, period.

Where did you walk to? There's a park. Popeye's? There was a what? You cut out there for a second. Where did you walk to? There's a park right here next to my house in studio city so i walked around it nice and you kept track of it on uh on a watch

on my iphone the iphone tells you how far yeah oh okay can we have a moment of silence for the t-shirt formerly known as muscle shirt what he's wearing a muscle shirt but he's fat that's not a muscle shirt a muscle shirt covers your shoulders that is a legit wife beater i mean that is real that's from like an episode of the sopranos or something like that hey joe burr shouldn't you be somewhere behind poo bear let's go what'd you say you can't say that word that's our word tigger, let's go. What'd you say? You can't say that word. That's our word, Tigger. And it's Tigger now. All right, you watch yourself. Hell, dog, bro. Y'all good, though, bro?

It's crazy for us comedians not being on stage, dog. It is. It's almost impossible to describe. It's very, like, unrelatable, I think, completely to everyone else, going from being in front of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people every single night sometimes thousands but usually just hundreds to zeros all the way across the board i'm gonna cry the next time i get on stage bro when this shit is over though i'm gonna be emotional as shit i was thinking about that

actually yesterday. I was stoned to the gullets playing Madden like I've been doing. Oh, by the way, guys, I didn't even tell you. I'm one of the greatest Madden players in the world right now. Turns out it only took three weeks for me to be a world-class Madden player. Do you know they're going to play a whole Madden game because they can't play football right now? They're going to play it in a week or so as if it's a real game. You should probably try to get in on it.

Turns out coronavirus does not affect your ego at all. There you go. One of those amazing ego jokes. So anyway, one of those ego jokes that just always shakes the room. Back to the dildo or booty hole jokes.

Go ahead. Go ahead, David. It is that gold, baby. That black gold. Hey, Red Band, you need to fucking... Red Band, I need you to grow your hair back. Oh my god. What the fuck were we just talking about?

I was saying how I need Red Band to grow his hair back because he looks like the fucking BTK killer. Red Band to grow his hair back because he looks like the fucking BTK killer. Red Band pretends like he doesn't get any of your references when they're on him. He's like BTK, Burger King. How many hamburgers is that? Oh my goodness gracious. So how are your parents doing?

Because you went from New York at its peak. Like the day you left New York was the day that every news channel was saying, anyone that's been in New York 14 days, no excuses, by yourself. And you went home and hung out with your parents. So it turns out the coronavirus already ran through my family. They recovered. My cousin just got tested. She just recovered Saturday.

How do they know that it's already run through? Is there like a test for that or anything? So my mom was sick first, then followed by my aunt. And then right after my granddaddy died, they all had the flu for like three weeks, staggered. Right. And then my cousin hung around them and she just fucked around and got tested. And they told her that she had corona. So it's likely that they had it as well.

When was that exactly that your granddaddy died? What was that? January 26th, 27th? Yep. That'll do it. How did he he die do they know uh he had cancer he had um oh the other he was a smoker for 70 years got 70 gotcha yeah bro he died at 84 yeah man that's good for a smoker. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know a barbecue was that dangerous, actually, to be honest. When I hear stories like that of people smoking for 70 years, it makes me mad that I've switched to vaping because I'm pretty sure I have one of those. I have those crazy genes that I think I could get away with it. It makes me mad.

Yeah. My dad does not slow down at all don't do it I'm so glad you guys vape and don't smoke to be honest it's been dope as fuck well I do my friends are emotional yeah I know you really are you that at the top of the show. Can you call these guys the N-word for me, please? I can't do it. That motherfucker is the only tiger that eats soy lamb. And you're the only black guy that eats soy booty hole.

How about that? Oh, my God. I stole that from your act. You guys are out of control. Anything else we should cover, David, before moving on? What else is going on? Anything else crazy? Hey, man, when Kill Tony comes back, I'm going to have a whole bunch of new white tones memorized.

I love it. I can't wait. I'm going through Audioslave, Radiohead right now, bro. I think Chris Connell is the best vocalist that I've witnessed. I agree. The only thing better than his vocals is his facial hair. That's what I always say. Your nose looks like Baby Yoda.

Wow. Red Band. And Red Band, your head looks like Mount Rushmore. Your head looks like... You look like you've got branches on there. Trees in the dark. Looks like a Tim Burton film on your head It really does

I'm gonna shoot a slingshot through the middle of that dude Hey Red Band Your hairline look like a GPS arrow Turn right Your hair looks like some sort of stick Harry Potter would use to find, like, a cursed closet or something. Is that that motherfucking transgender tiger? You better fucking believe it. Watch out, he rolls his R's.

Well, David, we have... The only tiger that got his nails painted. Hey, David, do you listen to my music, Joe Exotic? Hell yeah, I listen to your shit. With 300, baby? Yeah, sure. I heard a lot of that was not even you, that somebody else wrote it and sang it.

It's not even him. It's not. Is that true? Yeah. It's true. I beg to differ. I could sing it right now. I'll tell you right now. Sing one right not. Is that true? Yeah. It's true. Yep. I beg to differ. I could shake it right now. I'll tell you right now.

Sing one right now. Is that good? I saw a tiger, and now I understand. I saw a tiger, and tiger saw a man. Wow. Love it. I guess I was wrong. Take that, Carol Baggy. That's all me. Wow. I love it. I guess I was wrong. Take that, Carol Baskin.

That's all me. Those are all my pies. You husband-killing bitch. What, David? She's Carol. She's Carol. Yeah. Fucking evil, psychotic-ass Floridian hoe.

Thank you very much. I don't know. I kind of got a Carol fetish right now. Okay. Jesus. That is one evil white lady. She's not Carol B got a Carol fetish right now. Okay. Jesus, that is one evil white lady. She's not Carol Baskin-Robbins, Rob. Damn it!

Boom! Damn it! Hey, man, shut your fake Jeff Foxworthy ass up. Oh, Jesus, David, you're taking shots of the characters over here. I tried to warn you. When a redneck meets a blackneck. Oh, my goodness. Hell, yeah A redneck meets a blackneck. Oh my goodness. It's a no neck.

It's a no collar comedy tour over here. You look like Joe Dirt's gay brother. Yeah, I am gay and I'm proud of it. I will shuck your dick right now, boy. I'll shuck your dick backwards. Oh my God. Alright, I'm gonna put an end to this, David. I'm gonna. Oh, my God. I'll chuck your dick backwards. Oh, my God.

All right. I'm going to put an end to this, David. I'm going to get you out of here. I love you. Stay safe out there. I love y'all, man. I love y'all. Stay quarantined.

Stay away from everyone. No booty calls. There you go. Steven Lucas, everybody. And now I understand. I saw a tiger. And I saw a man. Very good. The band killing it.

Everything's happening here. Let's meet another innocent human soul here. We're going to see a brand new minute. The comedy stylings of Patrick Michael, everybody. Patrick Michael. Here we go. Here's Patrick Michael. Here we go. Here's Patrick Michael. Here's a little bit of music. There you go.

Patrick Michael. Here's the new minute from Patrick Michael. I realize I look like Bobby Hill if he never got into propane, but he does work at a gas station. Being a redhead sucks simply because we're the most identifiable group of whites amongst other races.

That's why you never see a ginger on a wanted poster we always get caught i am a stay-at-home dad though which is just a nice way of saying i'm unemployed having two kids has been horrendous mostly because their parents won't pay the ransom i hear a lot of people say life is like a box of chocolates and if that's the case what do we tell diabetics? I do have a solution to make one want to be less diabetic. Let's put the sizes of our clothes on the outside. Is that a 7XL? Did you make your shirt from a bed sheet? I found out the hard way my aunt had a miscarriage recently.

We're at a family reunion, and as she walks by, she passes gas. And I say, smells like something died inside of you. Now as she's off in the distance crying, I realize I should only feel bad for my cousin who just found out they'll never have a brother. Wow, look at that. Little Baskin Robbins. What are the odds? Two Baskin Robbins. What are the odds? Two Baskin Robbins back-to-back references. Great jokes per minute on that one. Those were a lot of jokes. How's it going there, Patrick Michael?

Oh, man, it's going great. Glad to be on the show. Glad to see you guys still. I love it. You're the first person this evening that has called in inside of his own fort that he built. Yeah. Like a child. You've hung sheets up.

Did your bed fold up? I think he's in the bathtub. I'm actually in my pajama pants. I love it. I love it. Heck yeah. I love this. Absolutely.

It's like talking to a young Jim Gaffigan if he was addicted to whole milk or something like that. Pomade. Anyway, Patrick, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Only sometimes, and it pretty much went the exact same way. Very silent, no laughing. Right. I'll tell you this, is that I loved your tags-on your tags on the outside joke about fat people, about diabetics. Thank you. I think you can make it broader by just talking about fat people and saying that the tags should be on the outside for fat people and then just get right to it. We missed your first joke because we had a little little volume issue in studio.

But but that's the joke that really stood out to me as good. I would try opening with that next time that you're in front of an actual audience if we ever get to perform in front of an audience again. Definitely. Ride that momentum, see how that goes. Instead of tucking it away in the middle, try opening with it it's

really funny and smart fat people won't like it but uh right but everyone else will um so patrick what do you do for work where wait where are you i'm in india so the thing really made sense where indiana indiana indiana i said india yeah india yeah they got good yeah Where? Indiana. Indiana. Indiana. I thought you said India. Yeah, India. Yeah. They got good guys in there. You working your durka? What do you do for a living, Patrick? I'm actually a stay-at-home.

I take care of two little boys all day long. Lots of shitty diapers, so fun stuff. Oh, wow. Two little boys. Joe, what do you think about this? Two little cubs. I love it. And what are the ages of these boys?

My one son is three, and my other one is like seven or eight months, something in there. The one that's three, you're going to have to put that one down pretty soon. No, those are tigers. Yeah, the ginger. We're talking about humans. Oh, okay. Right. that one down pretty soon no those are tigers yeah ginger we're talking about humans oh okay right so uh and and what is your uh what does your baby mama do she's actually a cna so working with the old people taking i'm during endemic my goodness turns out the internet's not so good inside of coffins in Indiana. Live from inside of a mausoleum. That's awesome. Patrick, anything crazy about your life or hobbies or anything that we should know about that make you special or weird or different?

Well, pretty much everything about me is weird. I was going to say that I play drum, but thankfully, because then I don't have to challenge Joel. Right. I'll fucking eat your heart, dude. You don't. You can't challenge Joel. I suck my own dick right here on fucking camera, dude. Yeah, with that internet, you definitely can't. Yeah, you look like the baby from The Incredibles all grown up, dude. What's your internet service provider?

We have the good kind, but inside of really protecting myself from the quarantine, I'm quite whole self-induced. So just be safe. It's a CNA. Patrick, we love you. We're going to let you go

because the internet's just a little bit janky on this one, so we're going to keep it moving. But thank you for your submission. Try that tags on the outside joke at the beginning of a set sometime. There he goes. Patrick Michael, everybody. I smell like a sound I'm lost and I'm found

And I'm hungry like the wolves Alright, your next comedian, the other regular from Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery, live in the flesh. Here he is. William, how are you? How's it going, y'all? The rumors are true.

My name's Sean Dragon. I'm in all black porn, Jamaican stuff, butt fuck stuff. No, but seriously, I'm cosplaying as Mrs. Doubtfire right now oh my god can't believe you did that joke earlier David you piece of shit it sounds like you're sick as a motherfucker

you piece of shit no but seriously my name is Sean Dragon and I've been killing kids over inure by John are in for a treat with this next joke I wrote a book about an eight-legged horse it took me three years to write we're going through the public publishing process and at the end they're like what's the name of the book and I'm like i don't know who do i look like stephen fucking king uh i uh i'm trying to look at my camera i don't know what camera to and i also don't know if i just had this joke before y'all are in for a treat with this next one i'm only

a fan of the power rangers only when they don't have their costumes on. Yeah. I remember that one. There he is, William Montgomery with a brand new minute. That is a massive belly button. Wow. This looks worse than the Walmart meat that we pick up every week. Oh my god.

Come on, man. This is a six pack. Tiger King says you look worse than the Walmart meat they pick up every week. Hold on. Go back to that belly button for a second. Show us that belly button. Oh, that's a deep one. Is that the belly button that Bubba Fett fell into in Return of the Jedi?

Oh, my God. He did land on the moon. What is happening? The tart, the Sarnac pit. Bubba Fett? The Sarnac pit. Bubba Fett. Bubba Fett.

I said Bubba. I like French fries. That's Bubba Fett right here. That. Bubba Fat? The Sarnac Pit. Bubba Fat. Bubba Fat. I said Bubba. I like French Fat. That's Bubba Fat right here, dude. That is Bubba Fat. Bubba Fat, dude. That's why I thought of it. It reminds me of a Bubba Fat. Okay, thank you.

Love it, love it. How are y'all doing? Now, William, I'm going to acknowledge something. Last week, you were in studio. We have decided since that performance to no longer let you in a in a room with us um during that during that performance there was parts where you were dipping your head down and you were showing us your hair or lack thereof and now it appears as though this week you have a brand new haircut. Wow, look at that comb over with

Joe Tiger bangs. Oh my god. Is that natural, that hair you got there? I have a Tiger King joke. I look like if Tiger King had a rival on Survivor. Wow.

No. Oh my god. I don't know. I'm still watching a bunch of survivor uh-huh i love it so you haven't been at work have you william you've taken work off for the uh week yeah i've been sick yes have you really been sick you always say this you've been saying this for a month. Yeah, I've been sick. Yes. Yes. Yes. I am sick as a dog right now. I've been peeing in my pants. Well, I mean, that should be...

That's not one of the... Dogs don't wear pants, William. That's not one of the symptoms of coronavirus. That's stupid. So what's the back? What's that hair coming from the back there? What is that? I saw the bangs up top, but what is that exactly? Can you show us that?

Can we get a better angle at that hair? Can you show us where it connects to your skull? This is confusing me. How is this camera going? William, where are you right now? Is that a baseball player? What the fuck is that? This is a Kobe Bryant with a green face.

Oh, my God. He's a zombie? He's a zombie Kobe Bryant. Wow. What the hell, Lee? What the hell? No, but seriously, how are y'all feeling? I've been sick as shit for over a week.

No, we're great. We're great. So do you think this is a new permanent look for you? This new haircut you got? I think my mom helped me put it on. I don't know if y'all have ever seen nipples like this, these kind. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I am gay, and I'm thinking I don't know if y'all have ever seen nipples like this, these kind. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Usually on. I am gay, and I'm thinking about my life right now. Is your armpit hair red as well, William? Oh, my God, it is. Let's see your armpit hair. It's bright red. Let's see your armpit hair.

It's redder than a tank. Point the camera at it. Oh. Oh, look at that. How do you work this camera? You need to get some black clip-ons for your armpit hair, too. This is why Joe Exotic never kept orangutans around. A little bit light in the loafers there on armpit hair.

So, William, what else has been going on this week? There's rumors going around that you're back with your ex, that you're drinking heavily. Can you confirm or deny any of these rumors that you're doing everything wrong? What do you mean? We're in a – are you really going to call me out right now? Are you going to put me on blast right now? I've been in Azerbaijan for two weeks. I get lonely out on the ships.

I don't know what to do. I'm in a Carnival cruise ship in the Queens Quarters right now. I paid $2,000 to be in here. I'm in the Queens Quarters. And, yes, I have a companion. I'm currently with a companion. Yeah? How's that been going?

It's been great. Let me ask you this. You and this girl that you hang out with, have you ever spent a single minute with her where you're sober? Yeah. Are you really gonna ask me that right now?

He looks like a bad baby when he puts his head down. There are plenty of times... I look like a bad baby when he puts his head down. There are plenty of times. I look like a what, Redman? A bad baby. What the fuck? Like your haircut, you faggot. Oh.

Jesus Christ. Wow. That's offensive to gay tigers. Pure hatred coming out of William right now. William, anything else weird about your body that we can't see? What are your thighs like right now? My thighs are, hold on, take a look. I don't know how to do the camera the other way on this sucker.

You hit the thing that looks like a camera with arrows going around it. I don't see it. Is that a landline that you're calling from? I don't see it I don't see it is that a landline that you're calling from yes it's a landline I'm calling from oh Tony I just moved the thing I see you right now how are ya

oh my god we're 7 minutes into this interview William I'm great oh man yeah I wish I could look at my toes did you just poop your pants just then? Oh. Oh.

And we saw it. We got confirmation. Wow. We saw the girl, William. You see how fast she ran? She ran. Oh, man. She ran more than William has in seven months.

My goodness. she ran more than William has in seven months my goodness so did you paint your toenails like that or did she she did we had a romantic evening last night she painted my toenails I can't believe a woman likes you this much what must be wrong with her like does she have some halitosis or something, perhaps? Like a chronic disease?

Does she have days to live? Something is wrong with her fifth chromosome. She has something similar to... What is that disease called? Lupus. Not lupus. Down syndrome yeah she yeah it's down syndrome oh very cool really cool loving it absolutely is that hair tickling your nipple at all it is making them super hard right now okay all, William. This has been a fun

interview. Very, very a lot of information we found out about you this week. I also heard a little rumor... What does that mean? I heard a little rumor that you're being a little bit lazy when it comes to booking the next Brothers in Cursive. Yeah, what happened? You never contact us.

We tried to contact you a couple times. Is that really what you're going to say right now, Redman? Yeah, I was supposed to co-host Brothers in Curse. You were supposed to co-host? I like how we... Is that really... Are you really going to say that, Redman? Yeah.

Turns out I'm the new guest host, dude. You're out, dude. It's me and David Lucas. We're the new brothers in Curse. Okay, I'm out. Okay, my apologies. All right, well, you got to get your shit together. Drink some water.

You still have that open sore on your belly? That's a belly button. Yeah, I see your red dot. You see that red dot? Yeah, what's up with the red dot, dude? You might have a staph infection, William. Either that or you're transitioning into Mars. All right.

There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. We love you, William. We love you. Bye. We love you. That's why I love you all the time. Another new minute from the senior regular on this show. Smell that. I'm down.

Nothing about. And I'm hungry like oh. I don't like that news that he's back with that girl. And it seems like nothing but trouble. He's drinking, procrastinating. He's doing all of his bad habits. But let's move on to another human being that submitted this week. We are going to see the comedy stylings of Eva Arena, everybody.

Two, three, four. Eva Arena. Eva. Eva Arena. There it is, a new minute from Eva Arena. I wonder where God is looking from. I mean, if he's watching me right now, how can he be watching people in Australia at the same time?

He's got no angle. Unless the earth is flat, as some say. That could explain it. He must have good eyesight, though. Does he have some kind of X-ray vision, or is he just looking through the windows? Anyways, isn't that privacy violation? I don't remember signing terms and conditions for this. Not that I would have read them, but I like to be asked at least. Remember this Noah situation? I don't think this guy had a proper contract. He was probably just some random Mexican. that all right all right all right my dear jesus christ

that is a wild tiger you guys are ridiculous uh eva arena am I saying that name correctly? Hi there. Well, it's a Spanish name, so it's Arana, but it's fine. Eva Arana. I got you. Eva Arana. Where are you calling from? Spain. Wow.

Look at that. That is so cool. We've gone global. Hey, yeah. I love that. that my goodness so it's us we are in the two countries i do believe that have more coronavirus than any other two countries so we might be spreading this over the internet tubes right now as we speak how are you how are you ava are you, Ava? Are you quarantined? I'm not allowed to go out, but it's fine. I live in the countryside, so I have a garden and everything. That is beautiful.

I can tell you have no sun right now. It's probably the lighting. I'm sure you have a beautiful Spanish skin. She looks like the ghost of Weird Al Yankovic. Oh, come on, guys. Be nice. Be nice. I was going to say, this is my favoriteovic. Oh, come on, guys. Be nice. Be nice. I was going to say, this is my favorite character Jeremiah's ever done.

Okay, guys. I think she's absolutely stunning. I think she looks great. We have the same eyes, just dead inside. Oh, God. Okay, guys. Come on. Be nice.

I'm sorry. All right. The band's on. Okay. All right. No, that's enough. That's enough. That's enough, guys.

Let's not lose control now. So, Eva or Ava? Ava. Ava. Okay, perfect. Ava, what are those things hanging up behind you on the wall? Hats. Oh, and that's a hula hoop.

Yes. Oh, very cool. Have you accidentally put on the hula hoop instead of a hat once? Wow. Jesus Christ. So, Ava, I'll say this, is that I actually absolutely loved your set. Ava, I'll say this, is that I actually absolutely loved your set. I thought your delivery and execution was really awesome.

And I think that would have done really good in front of an audience. You know, you sound different. You look different than a lot of the people that come on this show. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No. No, but you listen to Kill Tony. That's the goat of the first time. You're our first first-timer here tonight.

Is stand-up comedy popular in Spain? Yes. Yes, it is pretty popular. Yeah. So are there, like, open mics or anything like that? even if you wanted to do it could you do it I don't know about that actually I don't live in the city so here there is no open mics or comedy at all but you I I don't really want to do this I'm not the show man I don't really want to do this. I'm not a showman. I don't know.

I think you sort of are. I really, really liked your performance. That is so interesting. And you're a fan of Kill Tony, so you found out about this from watching the show. Yes. How long have you been watching this? How did you find out about us out there in Spain?

My brother introduced me to the show. i bet he's jelly i love that wait till he finds does he know that you're performing on it on the show tonight yes that's awesome that is awesome and uh what do you do for work ava um nothing at the moment i have done different jobs but i i don't have like one what are some of the jobs that you do well the last thing i did you do for a German Christmas shop? Cashier mostly. Very cool. You travel around Europe a lot?

A little bit. My mom is from Germany so I speak German and I've been there for work a few times. And I've been in France for work also. How long ago did your mother move from Germany to Spain? After the war. Like 25 years ago.

25 years ago. Now, are you saying that because it was really 55 years ago and you don't want to admit that you are Herman Goring's daughter? Just kidding. No, but actually my grand-grandfather was a Nazi.

Yay! Yay! I just watched Downfall last night. Any of you ever seen Downfall? That sounds racist. I've seen Hunters. Downfall, available for free on Amazon Prime, is an incredible movie about it's inside the bunker of Hitler

the last two or three days. You may know a famous scene from it where a couple few years ago they did a thing where they would go over the subtitles and create their own subtitles of a very serious scene of Hitler in a bunker. But the rest of that movie is absolutely bonkers

as well. It's out there on my recommendations to get through a quarantine. You ever seen the movie Downfall? No. Oh, did you see it or not see it? Ava is the name of Hitler's wife. Any chance you're named after her? Hey, no.

What do you think about the Jews? Okay, that's enough. There you go. You don't mind Jewish people, right? It's 2020. No. No. I did. The hatred still runs through your blood. you are your granddaddy's little granddaughter no doubt

about it i love that hey you have any uh special skills or hobbies or anything uh that you do for Um, well, something interesting. I live with 25 cats and three dogs. What? Oh, my God. Joe, what do you think about this? She lives with 25 cats. I think that if you are trying to open up a wildlife zoo yourself, I will kill you, all right? I don't need any more competition out here. Have you seen the Tiger King on Netflix by any

chance? No, never. Oh, okay. There's a big series on. Oh, you've seen one of these before, huh? Put that down. Do you have the cats in your house right now? Yes, the cats are in the house.

Can we see? So why do you have 25 cats? We started with two and it got out of hand. Oh my God. Out of hand is right. My goodness. Do you smell a cat pee? Is that like, yeah? No, but the house sometimes does, and it's pretty hard.

Have you thought of buying condoms for these cats? That's how it works. They are. I don't think that's how it works, Gay Tiger. I wear a condom every time. Ava, is there any chance we could convince you to grab that hula hoop off the wall and show us some of your hula hooping skills for a moment here? I can

try. Look at that. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Our first ever in the history of Kill Tony, we've never had anyone hula hoop before. Here she is.

Here you go. Here she is hula hooping. Wow. Look at this. Oh my goodness. This hooping. Wow. Look at this. Oh my goodness. This is it. Wow. Oh my goodness. Nothing better than good old Nazi hula hooping.

She says Zig Haileman. No, no, no. I didn't know Samara from The Ring had so much talent. Go, go to JoJo. I don't think I've ever seen anyone hula hoop that good before. That is good. That is some Spanish hula hooping.

And you did it without smiling the entire time. Just don't do it. My goodness. So do you live by yourself with these 25 cats? No, with my mother and my brother. Oh, very nice. Very nice. Is your brother there right now? Yes, he is in

the living room. Tell him to come say hi real quick if he's a fan of the show. Tell him to come in. Yeah. Yell for him. Get him in there. 25 cats. Oh my god. Hi Rick! Get in here immediately! Yell for him get him in there 25 Spanish now It's going how are you Hey, what's up?

What's going on? How are you? Wait a second. He doesn't have your budget. He has Corona. Hello. How's it going, my friend? Welcome to the show. How are you?

What's your name? Thomas. Hi, Thomas. How are you, man? How are you doing through the quarantine? You hanging in there? Yeah, I'm fine. It's all right.

What do you think about these? I was just. Yeah, you were just what? You go ahead. I'm watching the show, laughing my ass off. Oh, you're in the other room watching. Oh, I love that. I love that. I love that.

What do you think about these 25 cats that your sister and your mother keep introducing to the house? It's a fucking nightmare. Do you wish you could just round them all up and put them on a train and gas all of them?

I would lie if I said I don't think about it. So you introduced your sister to the show, but we're interested to know all the way out in Spain, how did you find out about Kill Tony? I can't even remember just looking around at the internet, but I remember seeing the first episode where you had the Iron Patriot and everything. That is correct. I'm a huge fan. I watch all the episodes. I love that. Well, we appreciate you. We've always wondered about people around the world listening.

How do you guys know how to speak English so well? Well, thanks, bud. I don't know, just by watching your show and stuff like that. Look at that, teaching people English around the world. One of the most educational podcasts in the world, Kill Tony, as not a lot of people know that, but we've taught people the English language. Thomas and Ava, I appreciate you guys phoning in all the way from Spain. This was an unbelievable performance. How about your sister, huh?

Very impressive tonight, correct? Yeah. Great. Amazing was an unbelievable performance. How about your sister? Huh? Very impressive tonight, correct? Yeah. Great. Amazing. I love it. Guys got to come to the United States, man. You got some tickets if you come. Absolutely.

You're in for free. You're on the guest list if you come to Los Angeles when the quarantine's over. All right? Thank you. You got it. You guys rock and roll. There they are. The Aranas, everybody.

Eva Arana and Thomas Arana. Arana. When you're going home, dad, I don't know when. We're living a good time. Wow. That was cool. You know we'll have a good time then. That was great.

The worldly ones are fun. That was awesome. So we probably have time for one or two more. Should we go to Moose, you think? Go to Mark? Mark. Okay, Mark Rice is up next. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mark Rice.

You guys want to play a little diddly here? Because I saw a tiger And now I understand I saw a tiger And I saw a man Here he is. The new minute from Mark Rice, everybody. Here we go. What I tell people is

a lot of times they don't believe me. As a matter of fact, you're probably not going to believe me when I tell you, but it's the truth. I used to be a James Milford. Yes, I did. That's how I got this thing. You know, they don't give them out down at the DMV. I tried twice when I had my voice in, and they don't. They get me out. So anyways, you can imagine it comes with all those problems when I'm in my sex life.

But back at the first of the year, I moved into a new senior facility and I got lucky. I found myself in the bed of an older woman kind of in front of me. And by gosh, the sex was good, and I wanted to tell her,

and I couldn't during the sex, because, you know, it was like, and then that's all that came out. So, anyways, I reached for my toddler here, old buzzy, and I said, gee, baby, that sex was good. and um i said g baby i'd say i know i've i've got a way with words to stick with me there you go mark rice getting the bear mark rice welcome to the show how are you my friend welcome welcome how's it going out there hello hey i'm doing pretty good i love you on south park man i'm great that was a great great great

performance man very very interesting you had me uh completely completely enthralled from the very beginning completely enthralled from the very beginning i've gotten a new microphone and i'm open daft punk never sounded so good you sound like everybody on joe's farm in 20 years oh you guys still firing shots at one another. What was that, Mark? Yeah, it's coming through. Clitoris.

Can you say something about my clitoris? Can you say harder, better, faster, stronger? Harder, better, faster, stronger? Harder, better, faster, stronger. Say that. Harder, better, faster, stronger. Hell yeah. Mr. Robot. Don't bother.

Very good. Can you say rock, robot, rock? No. Okay. That's enough. That's enough. So, Mark, where are you, okay, that's enough. That's enough. So, Mark, where are you? Come on, Jimbo.

We need to go there. Mark, where are you calling from? I'm in Anaheim, right outside of Van. Oh, wow, you're very close. You're not far away at all. We have an actual tiger crawling across the set right now. My goodness. I'll tell you what.

The internet's a little bit choppy here um I'm having some trouble a little bit I I your your voice box and everything sounds great but I think the internet's a little bit choppy there's a little bit of a delay but I'll tell you what Mark um I guarantee you a spot at the comedy store when it opens back up again and we're unquarantined, the first episode that you make it to, hit me up on actually, just tell a door guy at the Comedy Store that I specifically

said that they have to talk to me, that you're Mark Rice, and that you're the guy with the voice box, and you'll have an automatic spot the first Kill Tony that you come to at the Comedy Store. Deal? Oh, that's awesome, Tony.

Awesome. Mark Rice, everybody. Thank you, Mark. We'll talk to you soon. There he goes, Mark Rice. The jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps at night. In the jungle, the beats will be heard. All right. There we go. We're going to keep it moving along.

You guys can just keep playing. Make some noise for Moose, everybody. Perfect. You know what? Let's stop all this. We're going to do something special to end the show tonight. Your final comedian. Ladies and gentlemen.

All right. This is a very... Okay. Okay, I'll delay. But we're going to do LM1. Yep. Okay, great. Don't you think it's weird that that technology for the voice changer hasn't improved ever?

You think now that it could be like, you could be Siri, you could be Alexa. Hello, hi. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. You could download voice packs and be like you know, Denzel Washington or something. Yeah. I agree, it's weird. Yeah, because hearing aids, you can buy hearing aids now that have like Alexa and all that stuff in it.

You know what technology has improved though, Brian, is the technology of wallets. You know, we has improved, though, Brian, is the technology of wallets. You know, we have had wallets our entire life since we were little kids. But now that we're grownups and mature adults, we all have Ridge wallets made from the great people over at The Ridge. I absolutely love mine. Mine's made out of titanium carbon fiber. Gino has one.

Charlie has one. Red Band, you love yours? I love mine because I think's made out of titanium carbon fiber. Gino has one. Charlie has one. Red Band, you love yours? I love mine because I think like a lot of people. Look, oh, Jeremiah has one. He's holding up right now. It's in my pants. I don't wear pants. I'm a tiger, but I got the brushed carbon fiber one.

It's real nice. I think a lot of us, though, always had just the typical wallet where you have way too many cards in there, too many receipts, too many club cards, and you're just sitting on it. And when you're driving- Jeremiah still does. He didn't get rid of a single card. I know. I got five $1 bills in here, brother. There you go. You definitely have the fattest Ridge wallet I've ever seen. Thank you very much. But that hurts your back. I mean, especially if you're sitting on it, driving to work every day,

that can actually lead to back problems. And so getting the Ridge wallet not only fixes that, because you do less clutter. Once you buy it, you start throwing all this unnecessary stuff away, but you also keep it in your front pocket. Yes, and it can also clip to your belt. There's a lot of ways to do it. It's incredible. They have free returns.

If you get one and you don't like it, you get all of your money back. And if you do like it, you get a lifetime guarantee. So it'll last a lifetime. Go to ridge.com slash killtony, get 10% off, and have a wallet like us, like the official cast of Kill Tony. That's ridge.com slash killtony for 10% off now. We're going to play a song just for that. The lion is still asleep tonight. slash kill Tony for 10% off now.

We're going to play a song just for that. The lion is still asleep tonight. LM1? Oh, okay. Let's go to, let's go. Let's check out Moose for the first time ever. We're going to see the comedy stylings of Moose, everybody. A brand new minute from Moose.

Here we go. Just hit play on it. And this is Moose. Shit's weird. I've been doing my part to save the world like anybody else. I sent that fucking Snoop Dogg the bounty hunter to my buddy yesterday. He sends me back this Asian lady. Middle-aged Asian lady.

Butt naked. Running down the street of LA with a dead rat in her mouth. I message him back. I'm like, bro, what even is reality anymore? Like. Obviously the simulation we're living in. Is fucking glitching. Whoever's in charge got to pull the game out of the system.

And fucking blow on it pretty quick here. Do you know what I miss most about prison? Portion control. I had real chapped lips the first time I went in there man and I fucking hid hid chapstick in my belly button oh can you see it there it is and every time my lips look at I'd be given one of these wow a minute from powerful Moose, ladies and gentlemen. I think he even threw a little fart in there at the end for Red Band. That was incredible. Moose, how you doing, brother?

Not bad, man. I love that. I love your style. You're the first person to ever perform on Kill Tony live from the cab of a truck. Exciting stuff. Where are you located moose uh it's a place called wabba but i'm uh there you go there's red band's one fart sound effect for the episode where are you at moose because he timed it perfectly right it's a small town uh small town in alberta oh okay yeah we know about alberta we're just i'm from calgary you guys were just in calgary It's a small town in Alberta. Oh, okay. Yeah, we know about Alberta. I'm from Calgary.

You guys were just in Calgary. Yes, we were. We had a lot of fun shows there. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No, that's the first. Did you make it to any of the shows in Calgary that we did? No, I didn't make it. I didn't make it.

I had the kids that weekend. Oh, nice. And what do you do for work, Moose? I manage a property. I was hauling shit today for the septic. That's what I was doing. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's what Red Band does every day inside his own body. You know what else you can find in a septic tank? Carol's husband! So exotic. You are on fire tonight. Carol, anything you want to say about that? I was just going to say that it's crazy you have kids and you're already pregnant again.

How many kids do you have, Moose got two two little girls oh isn't that sweet you still with the baby mama yeah yeah yeah oh nice how are you guys holding up during the quarantine uh do you know what's pretty my life is usual where I am, but people are acting weird for sure. Yeah. You all stocked up on everything? Like, I still get to work. Everything, there's like a little store here, and it's got everything except for toilet paper's gone, but. I love that. Well, there's always a, I guess a wolf. I made a sentence. Oh, that's a goose... I guess a wolf? That was a moose. Oh, that's a moose.

Okay. So what have you been doing? Yeah, there you go. Do you have enough to last you, or do you just, like, let it dry and fall off? Yeah, I don't... Wow. Ugh.

No, I got enough. I got enough. You want me to feed this one to the tiger? Oh, come on. Oh, my God. One can dream. Is that a confession? No, it's not, Carol.

Oh, look at that. It's not, Carol. Moose, what's something crazy about you that we'd be shocked to know? I did a little bit of time back in 2007. Oh, yeah? What'd you do? So you've been quarantined before? Oh yeah.

I've done long... What'd you do to get put in Canadian jail? Not say thank you after a waitress brought you a meal? Say sorry? No, when crack was cool, I was on some drugs back in the day.

Oh, what kind of drugs were you on? I wasn't on drugs. I was the day. Oh, what kind of drugs were you on? I wasn't on drugs. I was selling drugs. Oh, poutine. Oh, I love it. Yeah, absolutely. My goodness, Moose. How did you fare in jail?

They don't even rape people in Canadian prison, do they? It's different. It's not like American. When I was the first guy I got married, but before that, nothing. It was just yeah, it's pleases and thank yous. Hell yeah.

They rape you and then they say, I'm so sorry for doing that. Anyway. He liked it. So, uh, he liked it so uh uh your daughter's ever do anything crazy that surprises you or anything like that okay i peed on both of their heads uh yesterday morning i was uh they're okay so they're one and two they're born on the same day, one year apart. Wow.

But I was taking a pee, and then the one-year-old came and crawled up between my legs, and I got her right in the back of the head. Oh, my God. And then I spun around, and the other one was standing right beside me, and I got her in the face. Oh, my God. Look at that. That's normal in the Tiger family, man.

We pee on our kids all the time. You could sell that video for a lot of money. Oh, my God. Look at you, big guy peeing on people. You're like George R.R. Kelly. There you go. I like that. If this was a live show,

that's when the audience would have given me a fucking standing ovation, but it's not. Thank you. Thank you. Gage and anthony get it thank you thank you anyway but it's not live but uh fun performance moose i absolutely love that you took the original approach of uh of uh doing it in your truck there was a couple jokes that were that i liked you even got red band on board at the end with a little uh chapstick in the belly by being gross and childish i got the imagining conversation in my head and just fucking you did it dude anyways sorry you did it you had your kill tony debut tonight congratulations hopefully we see you next time we're up in canada there he goes moose everybody moose

all right thanks bud thank you sleeps tonight yes it's still sleeping tonight there you go no you don't need to go to the second verse no there you go the stinger should don't need to go to the second verse. Nope, there you go. The stinger should get shorter as the episode goes on. To finish the show, ladies and gentlemen, everyone knows that I have been trying for years to get the great Andrew Dice Clay on this show. I have been unsuccessful now for almost seven years. I've been trying.

I talk to Dice in my regular unquarantined life once every probably two weeks, I'd say, at the most. I talk to Dice every single time, no matter who he's with, no matter how important they are, no matter how busy he looks, whatever. I always invite him to come on Kill Tony. It's become somewhat of a running gag. I've never been able to get him, though. However, I just found out this week that we were going to

have a special call-in. Ladies and gentlemen, I present for the first time ever on Kill Tony, or for the first time I think anyone's ever even seen him. This is Andrew Dice Clay's disabled half-brother, Injured Dice Clay. Injured Dice Clay, everybody.

Here we are. Hey, there he is. Hi. Hey. Hey. Hey, tell that pussy on drums, this is a muscle shirt. Oh!

Oh! This is a muscle shirt. Oh! All right. You guys want to hear some nursery rhymes? Yeah. All right. Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack got sick, so Jill fucked Bob. Oh! Oh! Oh! There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She did a GoFundMe. Now she lives in a boot. Oh! Oh!

Injured dice. boot. Oh! Oh! Injured dice clay. Oh! Little boy blue. He couldn't afford his deductible. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, you want poems? You want poems? I got fucking poems. Hell yeah. Lumbus Muffet sat on the tuffet because her legs don't work. Along came a spidey,

sat down beside her and said, hey, watch your hands, jerk. Wow. Oh. Oh. Wow. Oh. Hickory dickory dock. I was... Hickory dickory dock. I was rolling down the block some hookers came through i said i'd take two one to hold me one to suck my cock oh wow Wow Don't take all those pills at once injured like

Three blind mice see how they run who would ever thought there'd be jealous of mice Jack be nimble Jack be quick Then Jack woke up It was still a dream He was still paralyzed From the waist down Good old mother Remember

We got this today. Apologies. Oh, my God. Wow. There he goes. Injured Dice Clay, ladies and gentlemen. MichaelLairComedy.com for everything Michael Lair. I do believe that was him.

I cannot confirm nor deny. Michael Lair's got a bunch of cool merch, things like that. He's a stone-cold assassin. MichaelLairComedy.com. We got dates coming up. Miami, Moon Tower, Sacramento, San Francisco, Bakersfield Tacoma, DC Everything's coming Everything's been rescheduled

When we get back to work, we're back at it Hardcore Fun times, guys We did it, shout out to Gage and Anthony Of course, what is it? Strange Box Strange Taste underscore And G-A-G-E-T-I-J-E-R-I-N-A.

Gage Tiarina on social media. How about a big hand, ladies and gentlemen? Immediate Hall of Fame. You know, after Ohio State played Miami in the 2002 National Championship, that game was so good that the next day, they re-aired it on ESPN Classic. They didn't know the game was going to be that good. They re-aired it

the next day on ESPN Classic. I'm calling it right now. Tiger King is an instant classic here on Killed Sony. That goes for the entire band, but how about a big hand for the Tiger King himself, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Oh my God, no. Oh, not a Ven Tiger King himself, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Oh my God, no. Oh, not a Venmo.

No, this has gone too far. No. Hey, can I ask you a question, Tony? Sure, go right ahead. Now, when you watch porn, do you enjoy when the guy with the big thing does her or the little thing? I'm going to be honest with you, Joe. I know where you're going with this, and

I think it's a trap, but I'm going to be honest with you, Joe. I know where you're going with this, and I think it's a trap, but I'm going to be honest with you. It's the guy with the big thing. Well, you ain't that straight, are you? He got you. He got you. He figured it out. He figured it out. I'm pretty sure 100% of guys

like watching guys with bigger dicks than small dicks. It is just weird, but I saw you do that in the documentary. I thought it was weird then. It's even weirder live in person. Okay, put the fucking sign down. You can post it on Reddit.

No longer a moderator. Put it down. No one cares. Jeremiah Watkins on social media. Jeremiah standkins on social media. Jeremiah stand up on some things. What is it, Jeremiah? Go ahead.

This is the longest part of the show where Jeremiah gets his plugs in. He has a new video up. He has a new podcast out. He's got everything. YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. And thank you guys so much for your support in this time of need. Tony, can I just say how much I love you and Brian Redman? And thank you guys so much for your support in this time of need. Tony, can I just say how much I love you and Brian Redman.

Guys, this coronavirus, I don't know if I'll ever financially recover from this. Wow. Tiger King, Joe Exotic, ladies and gentlemen. How about a big hand for the one, the only, Carol Baskins, Chesky Johnson, everybody. She's at Chesky Johnson on everything social media. What else, Jessie? Plug something. I've got no shows coming up. See me at

all my cancel shows. No, this has been great being able to have this to look forward to every week. I made this flower crown today. Gives me something to do, something to look forward to and playing with you guys is great. So take care of each other. I've never seen you guys look more like the characters that you're doing.

I want you guys to do this on a live show ASAP when we get back. I gotta see this live. People would lose their minds. We're not holding back. We're going a thousand miles an hour. We're trying for these people that are watching the stream. So I'm glad that you did it while it's still right in the zeitgeist go ahead joe can i tell you how much uh positive feedback that i've gotten across all

platforms uh uh jessica johnson just did jeremiah wonders recently and literally it's one of the most positive responses i've ever gotten in the history of the show so hats off to you my friend thank you and next up is joel So get ready for all that bad feedback. Here we go. Naughty little... Carol really is a bitch, isn't she? We got a naughty little kitty over here. The big gay tiger, ladies and gentlemen.

It was Tony the Tiger, but let's face it, that's really the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. At Mostly Sorry on social media. What else, Joel? I'm on Jeremiah Wonders. Shout out to

Ludwig for just sponsoring me through these hard times. Have you been drinking Tony's table wine? I told you, I like White Claw. I like White Claw. I love it. I love you. Thanks to everybody who's I like White Claw. I love it. And yeah, I love you. Thanks to everybody who's out there in these essential businesses,

all the fucking people working out there. We love you. We're doing this for you guys. So hell yeah. Absolutely. More fun stuff. Redband? Hey, check me out on Rogan Podcast today.

Also Dead Air tomorrow. And I've been doing a lot of VR stuff lately on youtube.com slash red band walkthroughs of the new Half-Life Alex so check that out thanks a lot guys there you go look out there might be other fun stuff coming here who knows maybe a brand new Tony Hinchcliffe podcast

coming from absolute scratch debuting perhaps as soon as this week I implore you follow my social media closely there may be a whole new hit show with a much smaller cast perhaps this next one perhaps

lugging around a bunch of people with me was not the anyway fun things for you to watch this week like I did last week downfall watch Hitler in a bunker for two and a half hours that's always fun death proof that's the movie of tarantino's that got buried in the double feature called grindhouse but don't watch grindhouse yes just watch death proof it's a

standalone movie perhaps in my opinion kurt russell's greatest performance of his life and you know what i re-watched this week even though it's historically considered a great movie yet i forgot how fucking great it was there will be blood i mean butt fucking ridiculous and if there's any that's what i say if there's anyone you said butt fucking uh i mean un-fucking-real how great that movie is there will be blood got buried by a bunch of other movies that year in the Oscars. There was a bunch of crazy movies that came out that one year and it sort of got lost, but rewatch

it again. I mean, I know that you know that it's great, but fuck, I forgot exactly how great it was. Get through the quarantine. Keep surviving. We're going to be back again next week doing the exact same thing. Ryan J? Oh, wait. We got Ryan J on the line. That's right. Let's check in. Ryan J? Oh, wait. We got Ryan J on the line.

That's right. Let's check in with Ryan J E-Belt. Yes. There's the drawing. Hi, Ryan J. Wow. Look at that. That's cool.

Ryan J, can you hear us? Yes. Wow, that looks amazing. Oh, my God. Oh, that's cool. Jesus, that is so fucking cool. I'm definitely going to take one of those prints for sure. Check that out.

That looks sweet. Oh, my God. Is that fucking cool? You are out of control. You know, I say it all the time. I'll say it even again. Watching this guy's art grow along with the show is an absolute special treat. If you look at some of the first drawings, they are, while they've always been amazing,

they were sort of, how would you describe it, Ryan? Sort of like less dimensional, I guess we could say. Yeah, a little rougher. Rougher on the edges. Now it is just, I mean mean we are all operating on a whole new level i mean it is just incredible that is so fucking cool consider me the first buyer of that print when that gets printed up and everything's on sale right now ryanjebelt.com that's right i got all my pictures framed everything Everything's all around my entire place.

My place is like a Kill Tony museum. I love you all. Stay safe. Stay quarantined. Don't be an idiot. Don't smoke pot with your friends. Don't drink with your fucking friends. Let's all get rid of this dumb shit so we can get back to doing live shows.

All right. Good night, everybody.