KILL TONY - KILL TONY #449 – QUARANTINED #4

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/06/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You can also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st.

Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book.

He has posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from better box studio for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hey, I'm sitting right next to you okay i couldn't even it's getting weirder and weirder couldn't even do it i forgot how to do it we're right next to each other yet there's this big giant introduction for me normally that's where i would come out and flail my arms in the air and say hello everybody and the crowd goes wild all around me. Here, I'm a long way away from that. But welcome to another episode of Kill Tony, the quarantined editions,

where we talk to comedians from all around the world that weren't able to do that before during a normal live show, but now we can, because we're on the internet, everybody, and only on the internet. Exciting stuff. So here we are, and a lot of our shows have been rescheduled, supposedly.

We'll see what happens. Miami Improv got Tony Hinchcliffe and Kill Tony shows. July 31st and August 1st, Sacramento Kill Tony, The Road to Kill Tony Mania, October 14th through the 15th, and Kill Tony Mania, the 16th, 17th, and 18th of October with Bakersfield Tembler Brewing Company somewhere in there, and October 30th and 31st, Tacoma, Washington, and November 19th, 20th, and 21st in Washington, D.C. again, according to this current schedule, and yeah, so we're going back on the road maybe

when this stuff clears up maybe. What you do this week? I can't talk for you. What you do? I haven't talked to people I think in a week. What you do? Yeah, I know. What is that?

Oh, I live with an Asian girl, so maybe that's it. What do you do? What do you do? What did you do this week? What did I do this week? What did I do this week? Again, just working on a few little side projects, just shooting some stupid, stupid, stupid things that probably no one will see or pay any attention to.

Any new shows you watch? Oh, boy. I've been really re-watching a lot of great movies um saw a few good ones that went under my radar this week the producers here uh recommended a movie called the master that i never got to see uh reminded me of how great philip seymour hoffman was what is that it's just a great movie philip seymour hoffour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix in a movie directed by the guy that directed There Will Be Blood. Went under my radar when it came out. Watched it.

Very weird, but loved it, you know. If you remind yourself the whole time that it's from the director of There Will Be Blood, it makes it, you know, makes it so that you get it. You know, you're like, oh, this part's trippy because it's supposed to be trippy and blah, blah, blah, blah. Blew through the Ozarks, of course. All the Ozark episodes gone. Yeah. Watched Mississippi Grind with one of my favorite actors in the world, Ben Mendelsohn. That's a guy who you can look up and all of his movies are great.

Is that the guy that's always drinking? Yeah, he's always drinking in every movie and show that he's ever been on. Even when he was in one of the Star Wars movies, he's a bad guy. I'm like, well, this will be the movie that he can't drink on. And then sure enough, he's on the fucking Death Star, an Imperial ship with a fucking Scotch halfway through it. No shit. Unbelievable, that guy. Ben Mendelsohn.

If anybody knows Ben Mendelsohn, tell them that we want him on the show. Fun stuff happening. I don't know what you guys are doing with your extra money. Maybe you're giving it to fundraisers. Maybe you're giving it to your elderly grandparents who don't have a lot. I'm taking mine and I'm keeping it in my wallet. I have a Ridge wallet. I love my Ridge wallet.

I'm holding onto my money in there. I'm giving it to no fundraisers, all these fucking fundraisers, by the way, every single one of them. Read what you're giving to people, please, for the love of God. If it says portions of the proceeds go to, that means almost nothing's going to that charity. It could be 1%. Yeah, that's a portion. Don't give your money away. Don't trust anybody. Unless there's literally a nurse on the sidewalk like, I need a mask and you have an extra mask.

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they can take your credit card numbers because it has that chip in it. So it protects you from that. It's also so small. So like you could put it in your front pocket. You could empty out that big clunker of a wallet that you've been sitting on for so long and really minimize everything that you do with your wallet.

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Save 10% on a Ridge wallet right now. That's ridge.com slash kill Tony and save 10% right now. Hey-oh, we're in it now. It's all happening. It has been a Corona big day. Corona big day as they've all been, but today is a Corona big day. Corona big day, as they've all been. But today is a Corona big day.

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I pulled it out the other day because, you know, you've been at home. There's nothing to do. There's a lot of sex going on. So I pulled out my CBD lube, and it worked. It worked amazing. Accidentally slipped in there a couple on. So I pulled out my CBD lube and it worked. It worked amazing. Accidentally slipped in there a couple of times. It might be, it might work too good. Wow. Might work too good. And that's just on his hand, everybody. He used his hand. The hand flew out of the window. His hand flew out of the window. Got so goddang slippery.

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That's InfiniteCBD.com. And use the code TONY15 for 15% off. That's InfiniteCBD.com and use the code Tony15 for 15% off. All right. Fun times. We have a bunch of fun things lined up for today's show. The regulars are in the stable. We have a bunch of comedians that sent in a minute and are waiting on the lines or about to be on the line. But we also have a band, everybody. Believe it or not,

every single episode, well, except for the first couple quarantine episodes, but now we are back to them doing characters each episode. We don't know what they're going to be. About 10 minutes ago, they went off into the other room, started getting ready. We're going to find out right now what they are tonight. They commit to being in different characters throughout episodes of the show. Maybe it's a famous character from the past that we've seen multiple times. Maybe it's a brand new character. Like last week, they were the cast of The Tiger King for the first time ever. That was in the news.

That was topical, and it was hilarious. Let's find out what they are tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins, Jetski Johnson, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. I want to know what I'll be. Oh, what? Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious.

What? What? Okay. Let's find out what they are tonight. Boy, the crowd goes wild out there. Hello, is this Gustav? Hi, I'm Gustav. Gustav, I remember you.

You remember me. Yeah, I do. How you been, Gustav? Hi, I have new shoes. Oh, Gustav, what the fuck? They're from Japan. On my travels, I got some. Oh my God, Gustav, those are aggressive.

What, where are you from again, Sweden? I'm from Germany. Germany, hey, Gustav, those are aggressive. What, uh, where are you from again? Sweden? I'm from Germany. Germany. Hey, alright, cool. And who do we got next to you there? Hi. Who are you? My name is Anna, and I come from a magical land called Iceland. Anna from Iceland. Wow, aren't you a sweet little thing.

What's something about you we should know about? Thank you for saying I'm sweet, but I cannot take a compliment, or a gnome will throw up its breakfast and a fairy has to eat it. Oh, my goodness. Anam. Wow, you are a wild one. And what do we got back here? My guess is a Cuban guy with full-blown AIDS.

I mean, you had half of that correct. Okay, just half AIDS. My name is Ricky Ricardo, but how you say my friends call me Mr. Sanguis. Mr. Sanguis. I love sanguichis. Mr. Sanguis, you are Cuban? Yeah, viva Cuba. You a big Joey Diaz fan?

Oh, I love it. The church of what is happening now. Wow. I can't believe we are doing characters in this crazy time right now. Blue cheese only. that's right okay so we have a cuban and icelander and the german gustav brian and his soundboard ads are done we read our date so let's just jump right into tonight's episode. Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted minute and then talking with us goes by the name. Wow. I know this guy makes some noise. Here we go. Brian Keller. Everybody play Brian Keller her up guy. One more time. Brian Keller her. Here we go go. Now listen, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm 33.

I live home with my parents. I don't make my bed. I don't do my laundry. I don't clean my dishes. But I'm a fucking man, alright? I fight for the UFC. I've been fighting for like 13 years. I'm a man's man.

I'm a real fucking man. You know what I mean? But dad, breakfast. Couple minutes. Life's been tough for me. It's been a hard, long road. Because I haven't really had it the easy way, you know, growing up, you know, with my, you know, situation. Mom, mom, is my laundry, is the laundry done?

All right, fold it up, bring it up, put it in my dresser. Thank you. But, yeah, no, so, you know, I grew up, you know, I used to sleep with a teddy bear when I was younger. Like, until I was about 30. And really, it's not a big deal. I thought as long as nobody knows, it's normal, right? I don't know. All right.

Brian Kelleher. Wow. This is awesome. Hello, Brian. What's up? What's going on? Let me update the cast and crew here. Guys, Brian Boom Kelleher is one of the great fighters in the UFC.

I just watched him make a man tap out in the first round getting him the didn't you get the performance of the night that night in january yeah man luckily we got the bonus you know before this whole situation so that was good i got paid in january before all this fuck yeah dude that is incredible i was actually watching that fight i went over to our buddy pete's house for that made a drive out there we ate pasta and watched the UFC fights. And I was telling him when that fight started, I go, oh, fuck, this is awesome. This guy is a big Kill Tony fan. And he's like, which one?

I'm like, that guy. You know what I mean? And then to watch, it made me really invested. And it was awesome to watch you fucking go out there and almost rip a guy's arm off. Right? Was it an arm bar? Was it standing guillotine? What was it? No, no. It was a gu watch you fucking go out there and almost rip a guy's arm off, right? Was it an arm bar? Was it standing guillotine? What was it?

No, no, it was a guillotine, yeah. And he was like, he was tapping out with his foot and everything. It was crazy, man. That's what it was. I think I'm more nervous for this shit than my fight. Yeah, I was trying to tap out of your set 10 seconds in. You just got lit up by a German over here. Look out.

I have a question. Yes. Where is the rest of his body? I only see the first half of it. It's underneath. I believe he's sitting down. Keep going. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Man, you're going from the Iceland to the rice land. You didn't know what sitting down was? I'm confused with that. They don't do that nicely. Gustav, you have a question?

Not so much a question, more of a comment. I saw your set, and let's just say I've witnessed a lot of horrible things in my life, like the Holocaust, and that was by far the worst. Oh, my God. Gustav. Thank you, thank you. I understand the reference. It can only go up from here, man.

It's true, it's very good. Gustav, how old are you? How did you witness the Holocaust? Oh, I mean like family members, you know. Oh, okay. You know what's worse than the Holocaust? When I put your ass in a guillotine, Gustav. Yeah!

Yeah, come get me. You dork, Gustav. Brian, I... Why you calling. You dork who stopped. Brian, I... Why you call me a dork? Because compared to Brian Boomkeller, you're a dork. Oh, okay. Sorry, I don't follow American culture.

I wear my sweater too high. All right, all right. Brian, this was awesome. Have you ever done stand-up on a stage before with a microphone and stuff? No, I've never done it before. I'm down to try it. You know, I wanted to try it like real time,

but I knew like this was a cool opportunity to get on. Where are you at? Where are you based out of? I'm in Long Island, New York. Oh, okay. Mom's basement, right? Yeah, East Coast. We're upstairs.

We're upstairs. I love it. So you've really lived with your parents your whole life? Yeah, man. I mean, I have a lot of money saved up from fighting so far, but I'm kind of waiting to make the move. Like, my girlfriend's in her internship right now to become, like, a dietician. So I'm kind of waiting until that settles, and then we're going to get a house. I love it.

I'd imagine it gives you an edge in the octagon. Like, if all these guys fought like they still lived in their parents' house, it would probably help them. Like McGregor got rich and he got a little bit soft, right? Welcome to the Joel Brooks special. What do you mean? I'm 33. I live at home also.

This is great. Yeah, you're exactly like a UFC fighter, Joel. Yeah, I am. It probably helps you focus on the fight more. You don't have to worry about other things. This is what I've been doing for years. Looks like we have a new nerd in the house over here. All right. Wow.

For sure, though. I mean, my parents, we eat healthy here and everything, so it's definitely a big support system for sure. That's awesome, man. That is so cool. What do you do when you're not training or uh or fighting and stuff man i uh sometimes i mess around with some music and uh sometimes i do uh i just like mixing up workouts at home right now riding the bike what kind of music do you watch

and kill tony uh sometimes i i write like rap and i'll sing a little bit and I'll kind of mess around I'll record I got bad news for you Brian we definitely have to get a sample of something that you can rap or in any way for shizzle-dizzle yeah for even Snoop

even Snoop agrees we gotta get a just even if it's just a couple lines or something but you can do whatever you want I got you I got you something right here. Acapella style.

Okay. Brian Boom Kelleher, live on Kill Tony. This is a guy that beats man's asses for a living. Gets bonuses, stands out above other fighters on a pay-per-view card. He's about to rap here on Kill Tony quarantine number four. I'm going to sing it a little bit,

a little singing. Sure. If you want to go full Drake and go soft on us, feel free. Hey! I live with my parents, I might as well go fucking soft. I want to take you to my mother's upstairs.

And fuck you! But I hope they don't hear it. Damn. Boom. Brian, hit us with something go ahead all right kill tony the golden pony and brian red band they got the best band yeah joelberg on the drums. Undefeated number one. Jeremiah on the saxophone. Everybody watching back at home.

Get up on that jet ski. Get up on that jet ski. Johnson. Damn, that was beautiful. He's going to get the performance of the night here, too. Is his name BBK or B2K? That was beautiful. He's going to get the performance of the night here, too. Is his name BBK or B2K? That was beautiful. My goodness.

50 Gs, baby. I love that. Is that the bonus you guys get for fight of the night? Yeah, yeah, 50 Gs for the bonus. Oh, shit. My new favorite UFC fighter. God, that is so fucking cool, dude. I believe you're a fighter with music that pure and full of love it is incredible i think it's kind of crazy that i

am a fighter because i feel like i'm softer on the inside than like you know most other fighters i feel like come with like a tougher upbringing and everything so for me like looking back i'm like how did how did this happen you know that is so fucking cool this guy choked a man out so fucking hard that his arms were pinned underneath him and he had to tap with his foot i will say it one more time he had to he tapped a man with his foot basically like please get me the fuck out of here and you know what made him tap dance baby why why jet ski why did he tap with his foot? Because his parents loved him. That is absolutely right.

Ana is right. Your parents love you. We love you, Brian. Thanks for performing. I loved your minute. Definitely home-based. You talked about where you are and your setup, and that's part of the game. This is as good as a set gets on this quarantine edition.

Joel? Can I ask a prediction? Who do you got? Gagey and Ferguson. That's a good question. You're going Ferguson all the way. I got Ferguson, man.

Mainly because Ferguson had a lot of time to prepare for Khabib and Gagey's taking the fight short notice. So I lean towards Ferguson. Yeah, I absolutely do as well. Brian, awesome stuff, dude.

Thank you so much. So fun to have you and fresh off of a big win and a big win here tonight for you as well. Thank you so much. So fun to have you and fresh off of a big win and a big win here tonight for you as well. Thank you so much. Brian Kelleher, everybody. He's on social media at BrianBoom1315. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, guys.

Appreciate it. There you go. Very good. Those should be like between like four and eight seconds max every time it could be six seconds that'd be great so excited to play it's just crazy how cool was that what a fun way to start the show that was awesome i would love to see him uh come on stage next time we're in his hometown yeah absolutely definitely or at least be, perhaps our head of security for the New York shows. That would be fun.

That'd be our first head of security that could actually defend us in any way, shape or form. So that's fun. What a fun way to get a kickstart with an unbelievable fighter, an actual professional. So, all right, let's keep it moving along, shall we? Let's get straight into our next, uh, comedian. Who knows? We don't know where this is sent from. Could be from anywhere around the world.

This is Larkala Mosley, everyone. There you go. Larkala Mosley. Here we go. My name's Larkala and I'm white. Sorry. Um, I'm the reason why colleges ask for a headshot now with the application so they don't get a bait and switch for their diversity quota. Yeah. Although it's like, how can you not know I'm white when it's spelled out on the paper as Laura K. K. Kayla?

I mean, red flag or white flag, I guess. red flag or white flag i guess i need to apologize for this i'm in my bed because i have the coronavirus sorry it's been real cool real cool though vacation um gotta say though this is not at all how i imagined that i'd be killing people it required a lot more effort in my head but this is just as Oh, my God. Wow. Larkala Mosley. There you go. Hey, that was good. We're getting better.

Larkala Mosley, everybody. Wow. And hello, you are alive. It's so exciting to see you. How's it going? Oh, my gosh. I feel so much better now. You look worse than you did in the video oh stop come on mr sargwis so that was real yeah yeah you know how you got it or how you think you got it or

are you one of the girls who are licking those toilet lids no i put those days behind me. But yeah, let me tell you the story because it's unique. So I have a really vulnerable immune system. And I came in contact with someone that had it. So they like totally screwed me over. And this is before testing was readily available where I'm from so I where are you from where are you oh god I didn't want to

tell you but I'm from Fort Wayne Indiana oh no one of the one of our favorite places of all time same I can relate so they didn't have testing available and my doctor we like skyped and she's like stay calm you probably have it knowing you so she prescribed me what they give minor cases and i have been in quarantine for four weeks wow Wow. Yeah. And I had to constantly update her on my symptoms just to make sure I wasn't dying. What did they give you? The hydroxychloroquine and Z-Pak? Yep. And a Z-Pak? It worked. And it worked immediately, right? That seems to be what 100% of the people that have taken this have said. That's very interesting. And so that was, how long ago was that that you had that,

that you were given the medicine? Two or three weeks ago. Right. I mean, like I said, I'm not technically a recorded case of it, but I am positive that whatever I had um death was the better option like it was it was rough what makes your uh what made your system uh immune system vulnerable what was it um who knows like i think my mom was into some heavy drugs when she was pregnant with me and the person that the person that gave it to you were you on a date or something like that or No, I think my mom was into some heavy drugs when she was pregnant with me.

And the person that gave it to you, were you on a date or something like that? Or a nightstand? No. No, I wish. No, it was one of my stupid ass friends who doesn't acknowledge quarantine or travel ban. Was that person sick or having any symptoms or uh honestly no and that's what's so scary about it um like they never actually got super sick even though they tested positive so wow my goodness so you're in Fort Wayne Indiana do you live with your parents too I sure do wow it's okay even even even UFC champions are living with their parents nowadays it's the new cool thing to do

did your parents get it no um I haven't seen them face to face in weeks like I stayed in my room um you guys are like some of the first people I've actually talked to. Wow. Just really sad, but also awesome. No. Yeah, that makes sense. Well, not seeing your mom for weeks is definitely a side effect of having a mom that used drugs and left you with a vulnerable immune system. That's a perk.

She's out there just smoking rocks while you're sitting in there coughing up a lung uh that's fun so you're not working what was your job before all this um i'm a newspaper paginator and freelance artist a newspaper what paginator yeah what What year are you from? I'm a time traveler. A newspaper paginator? What exactly does a paginator do? Look for Sarah Connor. No, that's the Terminator.

We just got that movie. It's a paginator. The paginator finds the most beautiful newspaper of all the newspapers. Correct? Yeah, pretty much. I basically put all the stories in and make sure they fit and jump them to different pages. It's kind of boring. Wow, my goodness.

But that's the type of newspapers. There's still a big business out in fort wayne indiana that's what that's how most people get their news that and the terrestrial radio they listen to they listen to fm 93 for the news whoa what up what up it's the 93 news fort wayne indiana whoa we'll be right back you're listening to 96.6 the furnace here what is what is behind you is that your mom's stripper pole or what is that is that artwork that's a ryan je belt back there isn't it oh by the way he's drawing tonight's episode that's right he's drawing tonight's episode. That's right. He's drawing tonight's episode.

All the prints are on sale right now. RyanJEBelt.com. We're going to check in with him a little bit later. It's better that we plug him in the middle of the episode anyway, right? What is that piece of art? Is that your art? Yeah, this is mine. I don't know if you can see it.

Oh, wow. That's cool. Very cool. I do trippy stuff. And was drawing rick and morty while i was sitting here so yeah new season coming out pretty soon look at that hey hell yeah the creator of rick and morty justin roiland a huge kill tony fan yeah talked to him the other day i did not know that he told us that uh he was going to uh help make our show known by the world as it deserves to be. And then that week, they got picked up for like 900 episodes. That's the Illuminati keeping this show from going to the next level yet again.

By the way, how have we not changed Red Band's name to Travel Band in these hard times? Mr. Sanguis still finding his footing early on in this episode. Perhaps he will warm up as it goes on i like the travel ban yeah we got it but it's because we are not from here i agree i agree uh wow so uh you've been in quarantine for four weeks you live with your parents what's your love life like totally non-existent what was it like before all this what was it like two months ago non-existent yeah why do you think that is nobody's trying to hook up with a paginator oh yeah no it's a real sexy job so i don't get it um no i get bro zoned really fast which i totally understand um the last guy i

was involved with asked me to be the best man at his wedding oh my god yeah best man wow that sounds worse than quarantine. The best man. What did you say that you would do it? She said, yeah, bro, let's do it. Well, we were in a Taco Bell, so I thought it was a joke. Right. So I said yes. And no, it didn't end up happening.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Yeah. I'm curious, since you've been in your room for four weeks, what has your daily routine been like? Because that's easy for you to kind of go stir crazy without leaving that area. But then again, you're used to Fort Wayne, Indiana, which that basically is the most exciting thing to do. Your day starts and ends at the most exciting place.

But go ahead, tell us how your routine is there. They're just always home. Yeah. Okay, it was depressing. I would wake up and sometimes cry because my eyeballs felt like they were melting from the fever I was running. Damn.

And then once I like cooled off, I would just sit and binge watch Kill Tony, like no joke. So that's why I decided to finally do this because I'm like, I have nothing else to do. And I've been hanging out with them virtually every single day. Well, that's beautiful.

I love that. They say that Kill Tony has been, it's been confirmed that it cures cancer so it should be good for the coronavirus that's proof yet again here you are someone with the actual coronavirus watched kill tony they binge the episodes and now they are back to perfect health everyone so i mean this is another example of this show changing the world. I 100% believe this. This is not a joke I know a lot of people think Tony might be doing a joke. No, I'm serious this show clearly proof Cures the coronavirus we've heard of it curing cancer. We've had a lot of people with AIDS on the show They've gotten better including me. It's hosted by a man. Dr. Drew is calling

Tony Hinchcliffe are not... Kill Tony a day keeps the doctor away. We all know it's the Ridge Wallet that does that. Yes, the Ridge Wallet. Titanium. Alloy. There's so many different versions. The Ridge Wallet. Adamantium. Coming soon.

What is the weirdest thing in your room that you uh you've used to masturbate with that's a red band question the views of red band are not that of the kill tony podcast do i have to answer yeah you do have to answer though like a thermometer okay that mug no um okay so this i guess this could be my interesting fact i have vaginismus which means basically my vagina is like a chinese wait what wait what vaginismus we celebrated an ic one is my muscles name so what is vaginismus basically you have like no control over the muscles in your pelvic

area so it's like constantly in battle modes anytime something tries to get inserted it's like red flag no no and things yeah exactly it's like a vice Like red flag, no, no. You look like Michael Jackson. Yeah, exactly. It's like a vice, basically. It blocks things from going inside of it? Yeah. Oh, this is how you keep getting bro-zoned, dude.

But what about once you get through it? Is it even like crazy? It's excruciatingly painful. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. So you like it in the butt a lot, right? Okay, Redman. Jesus Christ.

I mean, you have to go to the butt, right? She also has butternosis. It's the same thing, but of the butt. I think a lot of girls have that. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Vaginismus sounds like the worst thing ever you know what you know what you should do is when you get off this phone call with us you should go beat up your mother and father for the genetics that you should you should spit on both of your hands and then go slap each of them on the face have you tried infinite go cough in their mouth. Have you tried infinite CBD for that?

Yeah, have you tried infinite CBD lube? No joke. I just got my infinite CBD. I ordered it after I was watching you. Did you really get the lube? No. No, not the lube, unfortunately. I mean, why even bother?

Wow. So that's incurable? Is there any way around that? Is there exercises or anything you could do for vaginismus? No, that's what's so sad about it. They say you can do like therapy or like hypnosis even. Hypnosis. Oh, my goodness.

Can you imagine that can you imagine just a doctor dangling a fucking um dangling a fucking uh a pocket watch in front of my right in front of your vagina now can you put like like an inch in like is it just like it can't go far in like can we just put the head in and so that's enough brian you're like like how much like how much wiggle room are we talking right right are we talking like a pinky? I'm like, what is happening? It could be a lip wall. Brian.

I have an honest question. Okay, go ahead. Mr. Sandwich. By the way, my English has gotten better since I've been in America. Okay, go ahead. Does this happen when you're alone? Is it only when you're with a partner? Or when you're alone, does your body relax?

Or, like, does it happen when you're alone as well yeah it's okay okay also just completely involuntary yeah i mean this might be tmi but like i when i was a kid and like started puberty like tampons could never be a thing. I just thought like, oh my God, I'm just really tight. And no. Wow. Wow. You definitely have to, if next time you do jokes

or stand up or anything, you definitely have to talk about this because that's incredible. Oh yeah, that's in there. I didn't even know vaginismus was a thing or paginator, all this stuff. You've educated us so much.

A vaginator. But thank you so much for your minute. That was awesome and a great interview. So interesting. Follow her at Larkayla Mosley, L-A-R-K-A-Y-L-A-M-O-S-L-E-Y. There goes Larkayla Mosley. Bye. Bye-bye.

See you later, paginator. Am I right? Poor girl, man. Her life. Yeah. Just because of her fucking mom. That's it. That's it.

She has an unopenable vagina, everybody. My goodness. Well, there you go. Speaking of vaginas that won't open, guys, we have a regular on this show, everyone. He is a lot of human beings, favorite human being. He's one of my favorite human beings in the world's history. And he's here again. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Michael Lehrer, everybody.

I guess don't make some noise. Play him off. Here he comes. Hold on. They're going to play some music. I don't have time for this. I don't have time for this. Hi, Michael. How's it going, buddy? I should not have shown the world last week what a good actor I am.

Because I've been flooded with auditions. Yeah, that's what a lot of people are saying. The last two weeks, you've been doing live reads and cold reads and audition reads and impressions. We have seen it all. You've been getting a lot more auditions over there? Oh, yeah. I mean, all the Hollywood power pushers want me right now. I'm ice cream for freaks, man.

But I'm not in that time to prepare jokes for the night because my career is taking off. So may I, I'm sorry, Tony, may I practice my auditions? Absolutely. It would be a pleasure to have you practice auditions here on this show. Sorry, I'm sorry.

This is not a good use of your time or everyone's, but I'm trying to make the best out of things. We're here to help you, and we're here, well, if we have any notes for your character, we are willing to help you. What's the audition that you're going to be reading for? First and foremost, no notes. I'm just my petitions. So shut the fuck up while I'm doing them. I'm sorry. I apologize. You go right ahead, Michael. All right. Now I need to do my vocal warm ups. I'm a classically trained guy. Topeka bodega, Topeka bodega, Topeka bodega. not people. Oriental's are rugs, not people. Oriental's are rugs, not people. HBO does not stand for Hindu body order.

HBO does not stand for Hindu body order. HBO does not stand for Hindu body order. Alright, I'm warmed up. Okay. Those are someically trained. All right. So this first role is a small part in a new superhero franchise. It's called The League of Extraordinary African American Test Fans. Wow, I'm surprised you got an audition for this, but yeah, let's hear it. Oh, I play a wheelchair-bound neo-Nazi. Oh, okay. That makes sense. No, well the show stars Sterling K. Brown, Wood Harris, Andre Banna, Don Cheadle, and

Keith, Roger Gummer, Smith, and they all play themselves fighting crime and prejudice. So I'm the neonatalist will champ. Alright, let me do it. Man, I really shouldn't judge people for how they were born. Thank you, you group of really fucking good black actors. And scene. Alright, that was the first one. Now, the second one, thank you, and I'm pretty much a rocker in that one. All right, so this second one,

you know the Highlander sci-fi movie? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, like Highlanders live forever. They only die if you cut off their head. They're from Scotland, that type of shit. Yeah. So they're remanded as a sitcom called The Highlanders, and I'm up for the lead.

I'm Bob Highlander, okay? Okay, Bob. Yeah, and I will, with my new voice, I'm not sure if I can do accents, but this is supposed to be. Okay, here we go, Bob Highlander. This is an Independence Day barbecue.

Oh. Yeah. Fourth of July is the great time before this area, before it was America. I mean, the 80s were rad. I'm not a Highlander. And scene. Wow. Thank you.

Thank you. You're definitely getting that one. We're going to be calling you Bob Highlander for a long time. All right. one we're gonna be calling you bob highlander for a long time now this next one i'm really excited about the next season the next season of narcos you know knows on netflix of course yeah i'm a huge fan of Narcos, you know those on Netflix? Of course, yeah. I'm a huge fan of Narcos.

I've watched every episode. Me too. I'm from Colombia, Mexico, and the next season takes place in 1998 at the Philippines hosting Special Olympics, where the French track and field delegation was caught smuggling 300 tons of cocaine to a minute. All right. So I thank one of the special Olympic athletes and I'm in interrogation. Hold on. Is this character also wheelchair bound?

Oh, yeah. Hold on, man. Okay, okay, good. I just want to make sure because I think you have a good chance of getting this as long as it's wheelchair bound. Yeah, I feel the same. And I love money, so I hope it happens. You getting all these auditions are incredible. Do you have an agent that's in

a wheelchair? No. But Fingers crossed. Absolutely. Okay here he goes. You're playing a Filipino Special Olympics wheelchair bound athlete in this one right?

No. No, listen to me. Okay. I'm from the French Park and Field Federation. Okay. I'm a javelin thrower. Oh, you're a wheelchair-bound javelin thrower. Oh, okay, I like this.

I'm being interrogated by the French police. All right. Okay, here we go. Everyone, I'm not telling you anything unless you give me a contact bar. I love contact bars. One more. Okay. This next one, I'm up for the lead. Oh, for the lead. Yeah. The character is disabled and has amnesia.

It's just like Memento. Remember that movie? Yeah. I remember that. Don't believe her lies. It's just like Momento. Remember that movie? Yeah. Don't believe her lies. Yeah, exactly. Michael Price. I know my first name is Michael.

It's the name at the prize's right, right? And they get called down the contestant's rope, and they're running down the ramp. They fall, crack their neck, they get disabled and amnesia, right? And then Price and Rice Security, they cover it all up. They throw that person in the van and on the beach and they wake up and they don't know where they are who they are or how they got there all right and i'm gonna be doing a scene from that moment i love it all right so he's playing a wheelchair-bound former Price is Right contestant that fell down, broke his neck, didn't make it to even play the game. Price is Right security tried to cover it up.

They dropped him off at a beach. He cannot remember who he is, and he's disabled now. Wheelchair-bound, and it's Michael Price, played by Michael Lair, and here we go now. played by Michael Lair and here we go now Michael I know my first name that's really good with the details Tony all right here he goes. Where am I? Where am I? Where am I?

Where am I? Michael. All right. I have one more. Do we have time for one more? Yes, yes, yes. If you think you can follow that, go right ahead. All right.

Yeah, I can follow anything ever. This is the only place in your entire life where we'll always have more time for you. Oh, hey! Hey! All right,, I am... I'm classic... I'm in theater.

I'm classic listening. I'm auditioning for an off-Broadway play. It's called Modifiers. It is written by Edward Albee. It's directed by Jerome Robbins. It is choreographed by Maria Conchita Alonso. All right. Now, this is the story of disabled people working at McDonald's. All right.

So. Okay. So. Okay. So here he is. This is for a Broadway play, so you probably have to project more for this one, but you know that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm the one who's physically trained. That's right.

All right. So his new role is a disabled person working in a McDonald's. Here he is, Michael Lair. Give me a second. Give me a second. I want to make sure I'm open Give me a second to get into Carrington. You got it. I want to make sure I'm open for all my lovers. That's right.

All right. All right. True artist. Number 55. Big no lettuce, no onion, extra extra sauce extra pickles. Come on y'all we gotta take it with these modifiers. I'm learning how to run doing this. Hey all these words.

The line is thinking around the McDonalds. I already spent half my check on illegal energy drinks from behind the truck stop. Number 60, Corn and Panda fame. No fun. Burger. Burger rolled up like a napkin. Burger rolled up like a napkin. A naga ring placed around it like a napkin ring. Come on, guys.

It's because of orders like this I ain't got a break today. Menace men don't care. They caught me stealing a bag of frozen nuggets and they hold it over my head forever. Number 16, one, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two,

two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two my daughter's canara sure she's 18 and we're

not even Spanish but my muffin gets whatever she wants I call her muffin she calls me gay lord I think it's fine

sounds like a authority figure. And then she kicked me in the stomach. Who do you think the police are going to believe? She goes, you're the king of all the gays. And I go, muffin,'re sincere homophobic. I didn't raise that gun. And she goes, how can I be homophobic when I'm gay? And I go, I love that, Muffin. I accept you. She goes, yeah, I'm a lesbian because I only fuck gay guys. And I go, muffin, I don't think that's what it means to be a lesbian.

And three weeks later, she was dead. Why isn't a blowjob in the dumpster? Why was she in the dumpster. Why was he in that dumpster? Why am I working at McDonald's? What's wrong, America? Wow. Not only did you do your audition, you did the entire Broadway play just then.

That was incredible, Michael. I think you've got this role without a doubt. And I'm not talking about your wheelchair. I think you've got all four roles, like the wheels on your scooter. This is incredible. I can't believe all of the characters that you've done. You did so well. All of them disabled.

All of them laugh at themselves in the middle of their audition for a second. That was just incredible. And you have to show up to these auditions in person? Or can you do them over Skype? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they said, they like, you already said, come here and get this paper and sign this.

They're real rude at the casting offices. I love it, Michael. Well, an incredible performance. You did much more than you had to do, but I absolutely loved every single second of it i fucking love you everybody loves you anything else you want to say before we keep moving that's right absolutely there he goes michael lehrer everybody we love you michael wasn't that fun a little change of pace from michael lair that'll be a fun one to listen to at uh 1.5 speed right 1.75 yeah you lost me on that last one i didn't understand what happened there i really liked the one before though the. The price is right. Maybe if he did, like, someone who worked at Wendy's instead of McDonald's,

he would have gotten it. Hearing the word McDonald's just gets your blood sugar a little bit off. Puts you in a bad mood. Pavlovian technique. That's right. Let's get back to someone we've never seen before or know any idea about. Let's see what happens here when we get the comedic stylings

of Nick Meyer. Nick Meyer. Here he is, Nick Meyer. I got interrogated by a nurse because I look pale. My user was a ginger. Chicks don't want to bang a dude with a robot hand

until they find out it's battery powered, it identifies as a BBC, and its name is the Fistatron 5000. Fuck the Winter Soldier. I asked Starker to turn me into a cyborg, but I decided not to fuck around with Illuminati scientists. I already lost my hand to the electricity. I don't want to lose my soul to the machine elves. I laughed at the cops when they pulled out the cups. As they were beating the shit out of me, I heard one of them yell,

Hey Sarge, how do you want us to cup this guy? I like to fuck with kids who stare at me at the store. Hey little buddy, do you like Free Willy? Uh-huh. have you ever been to seaworld uh-huh well if you go don't feed the fucking whales wow nick meyer everyone there you go nick meyer hey fuck yeah nick what's happening man happening, man? Where are you at right now? I am in the Boise suburbs. Oh, I love Boise.

Boise is one of the great cities in this beautiful country of ours. That's one of those hidden gems like Salt Lake City and so many other things. What was that? I was doing skink hands. Oh, there you go. I thought that was some type of Boise reference there. 911, we have an unarmed white man. For those of you just listening, Nick definitely has only about half of one arm.

You got a little case of the Skywalkers going on over there, huh? I got to hand it to you, man. Dude, yeah. Is it cool to finally be part black, so? Yes. I get away with more wow is it uh has it been a trying time keeping that thing and keeping that hand clean during uh this pandemic can you just put in the dishwasher or something there you go you know it's worth about half a million bucks so if i put it in the dishwasher i'd probably get killed half a million bucks so if i put it in the dishwasher i'd probably get killed half a million bucks you don't want to mess around with it doesn't really listen so right now if you can

see that it's stuck going backwards it's because it's not listening to me and it just froze up so if that happens at the wrong time you're gonna have a bad night wow so the So that's a half a million dollar arm, but here's the million dollar question. What happened there? How'd you end up with that bad boy? I got electrocuted working on power lines. Oh, I thought that's what happened when you tried to finger Larkayla Mosley. Remember her earlier? The vagina that closes.

There's a girl on you earlier that was a vagina closes like a fucking bear trap i thought you got caught up in that perhaps went and visited her in fort wayne but wait so exactly how did it happen it was so i was working on power lines yeah and i don't remember exactly what happened i remember the power line yeah there go. He's from Germany. Don't mind him. Go ahead. So I was climbing the pole, and then I blacked out and woke up. Thought I fell off the pole, but realized real quick I'd been electrocuted. So they got me off and hauled me out to an ambulance, and the whole thing took a long time. It took me a whole day to get to a burn unit.

And then I spent three months there. Did they ever figure out like if it was like something wrong with the pole or did you do something? You know, you did something by mistake. It's a weird deal. So I was an apprentice. So I wasn't really supposed to be working on hotlines. But North Dakota is kind of the Wild West. So you kind of just of the Wild West.

So you kind of just get the job done. So I was working on something that I didn't really, shouldn't have been working on most places. And what we think happens is I contacted with a piece of metal. And it arced over, went to this hand. This arm here was holding on to the neutral line, and it just grabbed me. Do you regret not saying, Hi, my name is Nick. Welcome to Jackass.

Yeah, that would have been nice, right? Mr. Sanguis, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you keeping track of who's talking, that was Mr. Sanguis. That's right. Wow. Give him a hand, That was Mr. Sanguis. That's right. Wow. Give him a hand, everybody. Mr. Sanguis. That's in bad taste.

There you go. I love that. Wow. So how long ago... Can I just say, that might be the most patronizing thing I've ever seen in my life is a one-armed man clapping at you. And it was backwards. He did one of these.

How long ago did that happen? Five years ago. Five years ago. So do you stay sort of just chilling after that? Are you getting paid by the power company or what goes on now? No, it's like a workers' comp rehab deal.

They're pushing me to go back to school right now, which is just insane. But they're really intent on getting me in school again now. They want me to do, like, business management or something lame like that. Yeah, something hand-on. That's cool. Yeah. That's fun.

Wow. So what do you do for fun, Nick? What are some, like, hobbies or something that you do? I imagine you steal a lot of things out of, like, those grab-and-go machines, right? You just scoop out underneath there with that arm, just zzz, zzz, zzz. Absolutely. Go underneath. And I've got a right-hand glove thing, so I steal all the right-hand gloves.

I love it. Do you have ghost hand? Like, do you still feel your fingers and stuff like that? Yeah, it hurts all the time. Wow. Have you ever tried to jerk off with that hand? No. Like I was saying earlier, if it gets stuck, you're done for.

Right. But I actually, for hobbies, I'm a rider. I've been riding, which is kind of strange. I kind of peck with one finger. But that's something I've been doing. I raced riding, which is kind of strange. I kind of peck with one finger, but that's something I've been doing. I raced motocross when I was younger. I raced up to semi-pro, didn't get into supercross or anything like that. So it was an interesting change to go into sitting around the house and reading and watching TV and stuff like that.

Wow, fun stuff. Did you ever think if you get another arm, you could go back on the power lines? and reading and watching TV and stuff like that. Wow. Fun stuff. Do you ever think if you get another arm, you could go back on the power lines and wait for the electricity to zap it into place? That'd be nice. Maybe turn me into the Flash. I don't know. Oh, my goodness.

Jesus. Ana, I don't know what's going on over there. I'm just typos. Sell your jet ski? Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Jesus. Anna, I don't know what's going on over there. I'm just typos. Sell your jet ski? Whoa. Oh, wow. Travel ban. Travel ban.

I'm from here. Oh, my goodness. We have different kind of comedy. Wow. So, Nick, I love it. You're in Boise, Idaho. I saw a dog running into your video at one point. Is that your only roommate there?

You live by yourself? Or what's the deal? Yeah, he's actually sitting here on my lap. He just doesn't want to get his head up into the frame. Nice. Let him finish. So it's just you and him?

Yeah, just me and him. That's fun. So did you get a good amount of money from the accident when it happened? That's why you're able to live by yourself? Or is it just Boise cost of living is pretty low? No. So I was a bartender before I got into line work. And I made really good really working in San Francisco.

And I decided to get into line work to get like more of a future. And then when I got hurt, I wasn't making much because it was an entry level job. And I couldn't go back to California where I'm from. So I went here, stayed here kind of because I was working in North Dakota, but we flew back here on the time off. It's a weird deal. So anyways, I don't make very much. It comes into workers' comp, and I'm just kind of hanging out and trying to figure something out. I love it.

Absolutely. Our friend from Germany, Gustav, has a question for you. Yes, Nick, have you seen the Disney Plus series The Mandalorian? Yeah. Would you say it's better or worse than the Star Wars movies? That's not, that's not, would you say it's the best Star Wars thing that's ever happened, including the original three Star Wars movies? This is not a trick question in any way. Is it the best

thing that Star Wars has ever made, including the original Star Wars movies? No. Correct. Thank you. Because it would take a fucking retard moron to say something like that, wouldn't it, Nick? Now, would you say it's better

than most of the star wars movies that's a whole different thing i don't know anyone that's what i meant the new ones by the way when i said that i meant the new star oh no i didn't i will never let you live it down the best thing star wars the best out of all the movies the best thing star wars ever made where it was the words that came out of Red Band's mouth. I almost cut his arm off at the elbow. I was so mad at him. It gets pretty close. I think the Mandarin...

Yeah, the Mandarin. There you go. The Mandarin orange. It's a Mandarin. You're talking about your girlfriend again? That's enough. I don't want to talk

about the Mandalorian. This is something we're playing right into. Oh, he's clapping again. I love it. He's clapping. We're playing into Jeremiah's weird...

Goosebump! Wow. Go, Gustav. There you go. A lot of energy there, Gustav. Gustav taking control for a moment, keeping an eye on everything. I love it, Nick. Well, what's Tijuana Robotics? That says your handle here is that.

What is that? Yeah, so I wanted to go for something that kind of lined up with you know the robot hand and i figured any robotics company in kiawana would never be dumb enough to put it in their name or think that it was a real robotics company but i do get calls from people tracking me down wanting to buy robots parts so that's an added bonus hilarious beautiful absolutely well nick fun times man uh we've been to boise right we didn't do boise yeah we did it were you were you were you didn't take it to the boise show last summer i wasn't there i didn't have teeth at that time i lost all my teeth teeth. Typical Kill Tony fan problems.

But you grew your teeth back from listening to Kill Tony, and that is once again one of the medical anomalies. Tell your friends, if you have any friends that don't have teeth, tell them to listen to Kill Tony. You will grow your teeth back naturally. I'm glad you have teeth now. I'm glad you have teeth, Nick. Congratulations on a great performance here. It was nice to meet you and a fun performance.

And thanks for talking with us, Nick. Thanks, guys. Yeah, there he goes. Nick Meyer, everyone. All right. All right, let's keep flying through it. We have another comedian. Here's Nicole KP, everyone.

Nicole KP, you guys want to play a little? Bucket of destiny. What a coincidence. That's what I call my cunt. There you go, great. Such an honor to be on the show with Tony Hinchcliffe, the top young rising comedian in the world. He looks so young that he could be my son and not just because I fucked his dad.

I don't have to worry about fucking because I look like Meg Griffin. No, I don't have to worry about fucking because I'm married. My husband can't cook at all. He can't even make mac and cheese. He can't mix the cheese in right. So I haven't seen that many white noodles since I went to a frat party. Yeah, I used to be in a sorority until I gained the freshman 50. Now I'm a female construction worker.

I have to wear a sports bra to jackhammer or else I get a black eye. Also, we got to shake a lot of contractors' hands, and there's nothing worse than a limp handshake. Might as well put your limp dick right in the palm of my hand. All right, thank you, everybody. Wow, Nicole KP, my goodness. There you go. Nicole, welcome to the show. How are you?

Hi, I'm good. Thanks for having me. How's it going? Where are you located right now? What laundry room are you in right now? I'm in. Thank you for having me. How's it going? Where are you located right now? What laundry room are you in right now? I'm in my computer room. Oh, okay. What part of the world are you in?

I'm from Windsor, Ontario. We're just south of Detroit, so we're basically a Detroit spot. That's right. Has anyone ever told you you look like Amy Drafthouse There he is yeah, we know Windsor Brian and I are both from Ohio We make fun of Michigan a lot and Windsor is one of those places that sort of gets packaged in with Michigan Yeah Well, it used to be the place that you could go drink and go to a strip club at 18.

So a lot of people from Ohio would go up there as an 18-year-old and get drunk and see tits. A lot of people. All the Star Wars movies. That's right. A lot of people would go and do that. It was better than The Mandalorian those days. So are you a jackhammer girl?

Is that what you do? Yeah, I mainly work on sidewalks. Is that an upgrade from the Hitachi or does a Hitachi not do anything for you anymore? I heard you call it a blackhammer. Oh my God. Oh, wow. So Nicole, fun times.

How long have you been doing that tough guy job for up there? I just switched into this job two years ago. I went to construction school and I got a trade for it. And I'm doing that female who does it. Construction school. There's a lot less paper than I thought there would be. Construction paper. I thought there would be. Construction paper. I love it. Yay!

What are you, my subconscious? She's translating his jokes for him. She just started comedy three minutes ago, and she's already punching up Mr. Sanguis' material. We have what appears to be uncut gems over here

joining the band. Oh, I'm uncut for sure. Oh my god, Joel. You look like a Cuban Freddy Krueger this evening. I love it. Freddy Kuber. Hey.

Wow. So, Nicole, you did so many jokes in a minute. It was impressive. Not all of them had punchlines, but you did a lot of jokes, and there was a few little bangers in there. So that's fun. You have a boyfriend, Nicole, with your dirty mouth up there in Windsor, Canada? I am married for four years.

Oh, that's right. You actually said that. You have any kids? No kids. Oh, interesting. That's fun. You just aren't interested in having them or you're physically unable to bear children. Just kidding.

You don't have to answer that. Whoa! Well, you know, like you said, the jackhammer just kind of destroys everything. Right. That's what I'm saying. Is that what you're saying? A lot of shit dripped down your leg that looks like scrambled eggs. There you go.

Brian's got a new closer, everybody. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. I love it. So, Nicole, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I used to figure skate and I do it. So, Nicole, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I used to figure skate and I do yoga.

Wow. Go figure. Oh, my goodness. What did you say? I said go figure. Why would you go figure? Because I figure skating. Okie dokie. I love it.

The art in your computer room is weird is that a picture in a frame in that top right corner over there it's like duck hunt yeah actually that's a picture from Skyrim the video game and then that's an awesome poster from How I Met Your Mother

I got the Zelda shield up on behind me you're look at that do you like ocarina of time i do like ocarina of time yeah me too i beat that game in 64 yeah me too yeah hell yeah very good um that's fun i love that so you and your you and your husband have been married four years how do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Any advice for our European friends here who sometimes have a lot of wild things that they get into sexually? Anything like that over on your end in Windsor, Canada? Just always let the ladies get theirs first. Wow. Yeah. Let him give you his hot link.

Oh, boy. Gustav. Gustav, one of the sillier characters, I would call it, that Jeremiah does. Very silly. What do you mean by that? By silly, it means like you don't necessarily like the, like the, like the, like on paper, it wouldn't necessarily look funny. But when you do it, the way you say things and sometimes you can mug the camera, you commit, you say your voice changes. What are you trying to say right now, Tony?

Are you zooming in on him right now? What's going on right now? No, don't do it. Get out of there. No, don't do it. What are you saying? No, don No, don't do it. Get out of there. No, don't do it. No, don't do that. Get out. Get out. Tony, I don't appreciate

Zaveo treating me and I think I may have to go now. Oh, no. Gustav's leaving. This is great. No, Gustav, don't. All he's saying is that what you're saying is not funny, but how you're saying it is. No, Gustav. That's all he's saying. No, don't all he's saying is that what you're saying is not funny but how you're saying it is no gustav no don't oh oh you're walking straight towards the camera oh

wait i can hear the wooden shoes walking that is the saddest walk of shame a man with wooden shoes walking away on a cement floor this This might be exciting. This usually means that there's a character change coming, everybody. Keep my eyes peeled. It's very sad. Gustav, will you take a piss for me, please? Is that a deep storage refrigerator

in your computer room? Yeah, it is. There's just nowhere else to put it. What do you keep in there? Your husband of four years? Yeah, I'm like Carole Baskin. I just, uh, killing husbands left and right. Heck yeah. You're kitty kitty. What do you keep in that fridge? You have anything good in it? You stocked up for the pandemic? Yeah, we got, uh, a lot of meat that's about it

oh my god all right well uh nicole you did a ton of jokes that was awesome was that uh was that fun for you to write or to write that stuff what was your process like for that um so basically like i said i work construction so i'm just used to like chirping people all the time so that was kind of where i was going with it and um i would write things down here and there awesome and i thought i had more than a minute and that was it that's beautiful that's how it happens when there's no audience and no breaks at all. Yeah, if you ever actually go on stage and do this again, the best advice would be just to calm down, slow down a little. Like you were really fast.

You didn't give any time in between jokes. Just, you know, look at your pacing. But you did great, and I think you should try it on stage. Oh, thank you very much. There you go. Absolutely. Thank you so much, Nicole. Thank you. Nicole KP. All right. We have another regular. His name's William Montgomery. Very controversial character. A lot of people love him, him hate him we're following a lot of drama in his life this pandemic is rumored to uh have him on living on the edge right now he's uh he's here with us ladies and gentlemen william

montgomery here he is there you go it's uh it's so nice to be here. I'm actually back in Memphis right now. My aunt died of natural causes. I read a statistic the other day that there's been a real decrease in school shootings recently. I've been listening to the Diary of Anne Frank on audiobook. At this point, I'm a little confused about what her diary is actually about. At this point, I'm a little confused about what her diary is actually about. Every time she starts a new chapter, I can't help but wonder when the Blair Witch is going to show up. I watched Blues Brothers 2000 last night. I'm sure I missed a lot because I never saw Blues Brothers 1999. I just finished a script called Minority Deport.

It starts Kevin Bacon and Helen Nunn as two ICE agents who find humorous ways to stay entertained while performing their jobs as ice agents while also searching for the blear witch in the forest of maryland wow william montgomery a real minute there and i'm buying William that was fun very fun stuff i liked i liked uh quite a few of those jokes you had there buddy you. You been staying creative? Staying writing over there? I have. I actually watched the movie The Matrix last night. What the hell is that about?

That was your first time watching The Matrix? It is. Wow. I can't believe it. My goodness. I heard Amazon is going to be making a new series about uh the matrix it happens like a time after the matrix with a whole different cast and everything yeah

and rumors are that it's going to be better than the original matrix movies i read about that that's what that's what steel and it it stars uh shaquille o'neal yes that's actually it it's i also watched and it stars Shaquille O'Neal. Yes, that's actually it. I also watched that for the first time. Have you all seen that? Yeah. I didn't know your ex-girlfriend lived in Nashville.

I'm a little confused at that when you piece of shit. Yeah, you said he's in Memphis. Oh, Memphis. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're not really in Memphis, are you? I'm in Memphis right now, dude. It's freezing cold.

That looks exactly like the backyard you were in last week. It's not, actually. I'm back in Memphis. I'm at my parents' house. Is that a dolly behind you? You have a dolly at your parents' house? What do you mean, a dolly? Is that what your ex-girlfriend uses to carry around all her baggage?

I got one of them. Whoa, a pair of scissors. I find it really hard to believe that Larry and Francis would keep their back patio as disorganized as the area that you're at right now. Seriously? Yeah, like Christmas lights on the top there. It looks so ghetto. Everything looks ghetto there. Come on. Have Larry and Francis come out and say hello.

If you're really at home right now, have them come out and say hi. Call their names. They're at an Italian place. They're at an Italian restaurant. No, restaurants aren't open right now, William. You just got caught in a massive lie. You just lied on the air. You're an Italian restaurant.

Ronnie Grisani's. Ronnie Grisani's. Ronnie Grisani's is not open. We just looked it up. The producers looked it up. They gave it a thumbs down. Do those pieces of shit really say that? What?

Why did they tell me to keep my phone down here? It's a bad angle for me right now. Why did they tell me to keep my phone down here? It's a bad angle for me right now. Why did they tell me to do this? Is that fucking piece of shit still running the show back here, that fucking bitch? No one, the producers are... I prepared for a week for this. You have the producers cracking up in this booth right now

because they did not... I don't think they told you to keep it so low, did you guys? Yep, they told me. They said keep keep it low keep it high and tight wow oh william don't do that no oh i've been practicing after i watched steel i've been practicing after you watched what steel with shaquille o'neal i can't believe he died yesterday can y'all yeah no that's crazy um that's absolutely insane that shaquille o'neal passed away was that the coronavirus that killed him how did he die coronavirus yeah absolutely how have your symptoms been lately you've complained about being sick for weeks on the show you look fantastic this week that angle for some reason, really,

maybe that's why they told you to hold it there, because this is your best angle that I've ever seen. Is it really? Oh, thanks for the pig noise, you fuck. Fucking piece of shit. What's up with the pig noise, bitch? I didn't do that. Uh-oh, we're getting a little more.

He's camouflaged in here. Borrowed his brother in cursive shirt from David Lucas there. Looks like my book bag. You have a camouflaged book bag? Yeah. Okay. How have y'all been doing? I've been seeing y'all.

It's been a while. Yeah, it's good, man. It's much better without you here in studio things feel cleaner it feels more sanitary in here things are all looking up you know smells better it smells better what does it smell like bitch that's a good question what does it smell like red band it's a jeremiah's feet there you go there you go there you go there's a fungus problem oh there you go a lot of information um that's a callback dude that's true joel do you miss being on the road and seeing jeremiah rubbing his feet into the hotel honestly at this point

yeah i do i can't wait to get back on the road and fucking work real hard do y'all think that's actually gonna happen i'm worried it's not gonna happen i'm worried this thing's gonna stick around you worry too much so did you fly to memphis because you you look like you have hitchhiked have you have you ever hitchhiked before william i took a boat actually we went through the erie canal uh We went through the Erie Canal. Uh-huh. Through the Erie Canal. No, yeah, I took a car. That's good.

You drove? Yep. All by yourself? Yep. How long did that take you? I've been on the fucking a week. Oh, it took a week. Whole week? Yeah, a week whole week yeah a week whole week okay but a whole week yeah i think

his beard's crooked look at it it's like on the left side you mean it's crooked william we this might be crazy but we went live a few weeks ago you sang a song from the toadies i was wondering if you'd like to sing a piece of that song for us tonight. Yeah, can you sing a little bit for us? Make up your mind. Decide to walk with me beside

the lake tonight. Beside the lake tonight by my side. That was great. Alright, William. Well, we love seeing you. Is there anything else you want to say or any questions for us before we

let you go? I just want to give a moment of silence for Nick and Peter Jarmones of the Jarmones brother of Supercuts. They are currently not with us. They died of this whole Corona bullshit. i also want to give a moment of silence for kathy the owl lady from barnum and bailey's she not only looks like an

owl but she flies like one as well hey one one one one last question for you william what was that italian restaurant you said your parents were at earlier ronnie grizzani's ronnie grizzani's look up the yelp okay i will ronnie grizzani's in memphis tennessee you spell that r-o-n-n-y yeah y or i-e just just keep trying until it pops up yeah and the gorsani's with an eye there he goes william montgomery ladies and gentlemen we're gonna keep it moving william montgomery

hey oh shit wait a second wait there's smoke happening over here are you guys picking any of this up oh my goodness what is this there's a smoke machine clearly hanging in the...

Wow! We've seen this guy on this show before. Oh my goodness. It is Hulk Hogan, ladies and gentlemen. Fresh off of a big weekend at Wrestlemania.

There's a lot of smoke in the room for that entrance. There's literally so much smoke for that entrance. I am not surprised. Hollywood, Hulk Hogan from the NWO, from the WCW days, in the WWE, WWE Hall of Famerer then taken out of the Hall of Fame people say he's going to get back into it though he's said the n-word before his daughter had sex with

a black man and he said the n-word on a recording ladies and gentlemen here he is legend of wrestling fresh off of the biggest weekend in wrestling Wrestlemania weekend Hollywood Hulk Hogan how are you Hollywood how are you doing, brother? Oh, I'm doing fantastic, sir.

Man, they say don't meet your heroes, but seeing you this close up, I gotta tell you, I don't see anything wrong at all, Hollywood. This is always how I pictured you would look like. What are you gonna do when Kill Tony Mania runs over you? That's true. You're absolutely right. And as with the last three years, it's coming up in October. As always, we will be there.

Kill Tony Mania, 16th, 17th, and 18th. Are you saying you're going to be there? Could you possibly make an appearance? We'll see about that, brother. We'll see how much time I got on my hands. What's been happening? You're fresh off of WrestleMania. I didn't. that, brother. We'll see how much time I got on my hands. What's been happening? You're fresh off of WrestleMania.

There's a giant fan that has made its way to our room because of your big entrance here. Any chance a fire alarm goes off because of this? No, right? Okay, good. My goodness. What's up with your mustache? Is that hanging on all right? Yeah, brother. That is a bright yellow. It almost seems

like it used to be perhaps some type of like Tweety Bird stuffed animal that you cut out. You know, the Hulk sure has fallen upon hard times. Really?

Yeah. That's so weird because you literally just won like a $380 million settlement. Wow. What up? What for?

Because he was, he was, what's the word? Fuck. It was slander from an online. No, somebody talked bad about him. Gawker talked bad about him, saying that he did this and this, and they unveiled a lot of information that was private. Oh, the sex tape stuff, right?

Yeah, and they got him. So you're falling on... Did you spend all that money, Hollywood? Yeah, I've been spending on a lot of stuff lately. Yeah, like what? A lot of women, a lot of baby oil,

a lot of vitamins to keep taking care of these 24-inch pythons. Clearly, 24-inch pythons, you're counting both of your arms when you say 24 and a half. Have you thought about buying any illegal cats, like big tigers? Yeah, there's this guy who I'm talking to named Doc Anal who is thinking about selling me some cats right now.

Cool, Doc Anal. That's awesome. Doc Anal. Wow. Well, Hollywood, I'm glad That's awesome. Duck anal. Wow. Well, Hollywood, I'm glad that you're going to be joining us. You're joining us for the rest of the show? For the rest of the show, brother. I love it.

Well, this is Anna. She's from Iceland. Wow, I wish we could have known. I'm a pretty good judge of character. She seems pretty cool. And this is Mr. Sanguis. Yeah, I don't get a good vibe from this one. Yeah, he's Cuban.

And he has what appears to be tinfoil. Really? Not a good vibe? No. Alright, fair enough. Alright, let's keep it moving. We got Hollywood Hulk Hogan joining the show. We're gonna watch a minute of the comedy stylings right now of a person named

Alistair Clark. Alistair Clark, everyone. Here we go. Here's Alistair. Hi, everybody. My name's Alistair Clark. I'm Clark everyone here we go here's Alistair mouthy if I demanded to eat pussy on the first date? Would it be too mouthy if I referred to a dental dam as a headliner? Cocaine is like comedy, he can't do just one-liners. I had to quit cocaine unfortunately though, I was prone to seizures. First it was my car, then my house, then my children. The hot chick at the bank doesn't think I should be dating anybody, she thinks I'm outstanding alone. Princess Leia is super lucky, super lucky that Jabba the Hutt didn't have the creativity that I would have had. Homicide, suicide, genocide, and fantaside all end in a similar way. Funny how that coincides to when I come inside.

The royal family are a bunch of motherfuckers, but not Prince Andrew. Do you think the Kardashians like that joke about Casper the Ghost's parents? And how long do you think until Caitlyn is a popular name for girls again? Meow. There you go. Alistair Clark. Awesome. Fun, fun stuff.

Alistair, you did so many jokes in that minute. That was incredible. Yeah, I wanted to squish a whole bunch of them in there. Heck yeah. Didn't even bother memorizing them or writing it bigger and pretending like you were looking at the camera you just went right off the paper for a lot of that huh that is pretty much my gimmick yeah because i don't really have that good memory so i gotta rely on those training girls

uh i love that i didn't quite didn't quite get that what'd you say there uh the piece of paper is my training wheels i've just started writing jokes and telling jokes, so I kind of need that. I can't memorize that stuff all at once. Right. You only had to do like three jokes. You did like 20. Yeah. I love the setup you have next to you. Is that a drill and a wine bottle? What do you got going on over there? drill and a wine bottle what do you got going on over there yeah this is my home wine uh make it myself and i think that in this pandemic times i've got a bunch more batches going so i'm just and the drill is uh i'm a carpenter but it's also my home protection you know it's better than uh

you don't run out of bullets with this if you uh someone opens door, they can just jam them in. Is that your wrestling name, The Carpenter? Yeah, that would work. That's his job. This is Hulk Hogan here. Have you ever heard of Hulk Hogan before? I have heard of Hulk Hogan. I used to watch a lot of wrestling, so I'm a big fan. You hear that, Hulk? He's a big fan.

For life. Heck yeah. Almost as big as the fan that we had to bring in here because of your intro smoke. Almost as big as the fan that we had to bring in here because of your intro smoke. Almost as big as Ralphie Mays' pajamas behind him. Let me ask you this. Did you happen to tell Gino, the guy that runs the studio, like, don't be shy on the smoke or anything like that right beforehand? Like, were you like, come on, really spray it.

You know, get in there and spray it. Gino was the one controlling the machine. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You coached him to really make sure there's a lot of smoke? Yeah, I had a feeling you did that. Gino, do you think you would have done less smoke if he didn't tell you to do

so much smoke? Wow. I pulled him off. He was like a rabid dog. I was like, Gino! i was like gino down down gino you're already part of the wolf pack brother calm down allister so let's jump right into it i see a winged suit uh you jump out of like planes and stuff like that or what are we talking about here just off the mountains wow you do that shit wow yeah i've been doing that for about 10 years and that's definitely my passion and wing wing hello wow you're gonna die someday uh well definitely someday yeah definitely it'll definitely be a day after red band is already dead

is that like a so that's like one of the squirrel suits right like the it is yes it's a squirrel suit for flying down oh i mean usually it's used in airplanes uh but my real passion is finding new mountains that haven't been jumped before and then how can how can red band say squirrel but not world properly there's two r's in squirrel famous comedy squirrel he's called it that before. You have a video of? Oh, you have a video of him jumping? Whoa, let's watch this for sure. This is a video playing of him jumping off the edge of a fucking mountain.

Oh my God. Holy shit. Are you fucking serious? Can you imagine the first time doing this? This is going to be, this is going to be, this is like a video of Red Band's death, except he doesn't fly in the suit at all afterwards. That's not a hamburger. You'd be surprised how well you fly. I'm kind of fat myself. It's weird that you wear a suit that makes your wings bigger.

Red Band wears clothes that make his thighs smaller. Did somebody say wings? Did somebody say wings? Did somebody say thighs? Oh my God. Wow. You ever have any close calls, Alistair? You ever have a wingsuit act a little bit janky on you or you ever have the ground come up faster

than you thought it would? The only close call that I've had is when I didn't measure a mountain properly and the cliff wasn't quite tall enough and I barely made it over the ledge. But other other than that i've learned how to measure the mountains much better and haven't had anything like that in quite a few years i was just told from the producer that that video is called tree landing is that possibly because yeah oh wow you landed in a tree yeah because uh i'm not very good at it uh so i always kind of fuck up a

little bit this is on youtube right i've seen this before i was obsessed with these fucking squirrel suit people like a year ago that's so crazy hey joel i'm obsessed with your drumming thanks dude i also uh skateboard too joel and have built a lot of skateboard parks so oh well once this coronavirus is all over i'll suck your dick for some of that stuff I also skateboard too, Joel, and have built a lot of skateboard parks. Well, once this coronavirus is all over, I'll suck your dick for some of that stuff. Wow. Look at that. So does someone come up and help you, or do you have to cut yourself out of that,

or do you climb down? What's your plan of action when that happens? I have to climb down and then cut the tree down and then get my deer out. Wow. Sometimes you've got to climb down in life before you climb back up, brother. Wow. Hulk Hogan with some wisdom. It's easier to climb in the squirrel suit, though. Now, how do you train for something like that?

Like your first time, there's no like getting on a guy's back and then jumping off a mountain. Like is there any training or you're just pretty much like, hope this works? I've got a video on my YouTube of the progression that you go through to get to that point. It starts in skydiving, moves through very basic base jumping and then eventually onto mountains

and then into the combining the squirrels through the mountain. You just got to do it really fast and be really careful and do it in as safe a situation as you can. Wow. Fuck yeah. you have a girlfriend no no have you ever taken a girl uh squirrel suiting with you um i've taken girls

well i haven't uh i've jumped with girls around i've never taken them myself um but no i don't generally jump with a lot of people i'm out in these mountains there's not many people doing it so it's just sort of a solo thing most of the time. Fuck yeah. What made you get into that? How'd that start? I saw it on the internet. Couldn't stop watching videos.

Then started skydiving and just took the progression into it. Wow. You are a man that likes to face your fears. You send a minute in on Kill Tony. You're jumping off of mountain cliffs. What else? What else do you do in this dangerous, exciting life of yours? I just started stand-up. I've done five sets, and I find it equally as exciting and scary as jumping.

So when jumping's not available, stand-up is where it's at for me. And other than that, I'm a carpenter. I built this chair that I'm sitting in. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, badass. I do things like that, and sitting in. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, badass. I make things like that. And I also do renovations and construction and stuff like that. Wow, that is so fucking cool.

Look at you. Just a real fucking dude. Did I ask you where you're at? I'm in Calgary, Alberta. Oh, okay. That's a fun place. We were just up there. I have another special skill that I wanted to share with you guys

that I think the world needs to see. All right. Do you mind if I take you over to the kitchen and just show you something real quick? Let's do it. Absolutely. The world needs to see. Have you ever heard of a back fart?

A back fart? A back fart? Yeah. I haven't done one of these in a long time, but yeah. Are you about to queef out of your butt? I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Brian just died of laughter right now. Oh, my God. We need a medic. Brian's dead. This is officially Brian's new favorite laughter right now. Oh, my God. We need a medic. Brian's dead. This is officially Brian's new favorite category of porn. Oh, my God. Backfart.com.

This is like Brian seeing this is like when Uma Thurman meets Pai Mei and killed Bill. He wants to learn all of your ways of the mastery right now can you teach me this this is like the matrix but Brian chose the brown pill wow I mean that might be one of the greatest talents boy do I wish we were on the main stage of the comedy store with a sold out audience to hear

the roar of that right now. When all this shit ends, I'll have to take a trip down there and sit in the audience and see if I can get on. You're goddamn right. Well, make sure you do. We'll keep an eye out for you. Thank you so much for your time. Fun submission. Way to get the jokes

out. You did it. There he goes. Alistair Clark, everybody. Thank you, Alistair. There he goes. Alistair Clark, everybody. Thank you, Alistair. He's at Alistair Clark Comedy on social media and Wingsuiting On on YouTube. We have another regular on this show,

known for his incredible writing and masterful roast writing and executing ladies and gentlemen here he is David Lucas everyone here comes the music David Lucas everybody what's shaking yeah what's up dawg chilling man

what's going on out there what are you up to man I'm chilling man what's going on out there what are you what are you up to i'm just cricket wireless netflix no i'm gonna fucking red bands hairline wireless motherfucker david you have some of the worst wi-fi you don't even have Wi-Fi. You have baby mama-fi. No, the problem is everybody is at home, so the fucking, what is it, band speed sucks. Yeah, man, the band speed. Bandwidth, brother.

Bandwidth, whatever. What kind of internet do you have? Do you have DSL, or do you have cable, or what do you have? I don't know, nigga. Spectrum. I don't know. All right. Normally, you're pretty good with...

Okay. That's a tongue twister. With widths. I see where it's going. With widths. Like bandwidth. Because you're wide. With widths. Bandwidth. Say bandwidth. Say with widths.

Netflix is making white people look bad. Yeah, it's not easy. Netflix is making white people look bad. Yeah, it's not easy to do. But at the same time, you have to remember that Netflix is completely owned by and operated by white people. So at the same time, they're making themselves look good. Bruh. Have you seen How to Make a Drug Scandal? No. No, I actually haven't watched that is it good bro bro a chick that worked in the drug lab for um like police cases was fucking

cooking crack at her desk okay all right i shall watch that in the next 24 hours it's funny we live in a time now where literally for the past 13 years of my life if anybody was like hey you know what you should check out if i really liked them or something i would at least pretend like i would watch it i'd say oh definitely gonna check that out man if you're recommending it shit i must everybody else i would be more honest brutally honest and say i'm not i don't really watch much of anything i'm too busy right now but thanks now it's at the point to where literally if anybody recommends me anything if there's a crazy homeless person like out my window like you should watch this i'll just watch it i mean i'll just watch it's a time right now

where you can literally just absorb anything or again red band making a weird face but this has been his entire life so nothing has changed for some reason i saw your tweet the other day where you're like man i wake up nowadays and i realize what time it is and i feel guilty and but then i realize it's okay and i was gonna tweet at you. Nothing has changed in your life. No, that's not true. I mean, I usually wake up like noon or 1, but that time I woke up at 7 p.m. Wow. What the fuck?

I went to bed at 8 a.m. or something like that. Red Bill lives like a black guy. I'm glad you said it, brother. He wakes up at 1, but he doesn't respond to text messages until 4.30. I actually just... SMH, brother. SMH. And if you FaceTime him at 4.30, it looks like he just woke up.

I take naps. Are we doing Brothers in Cursed this week or what? Yep. There you go. Your hair looks like the silhouette of a haunted graveyard, dude. Have you had any symptoms at all, you know, since you've been back from New York? You were in New York during the worst possible time Nothing at all?

That was like 17 days ago Wow Time flies, like a man in a squirrel suit Interesting stuff So what else has been going on, William? What else is shaking in your world? David. Yeah, William.

I called you William? Yes. Oh, shit. Hey, did you hear that William's back together with his ex-girlfriend? Man, people hit me up on Instagram, like, Erica was in William's background when he was he fucking taking 20 steps back dog well after all that intervention we had on the fucking podcast damn I can't believe he wants to get with that chick after I read his text messages about her fucking peeing herself.

Wow, I think this might be, this is a, we're getting a lot of leaks over here. Literally and metaphorically from the Brothers in Cursive show. So William's girlfriend peed herself? Bruh, I don't know what made him let me read the text messages, but she was sitting there text messaging she was like I peed my panties last night and I didn't change them until this morning

she slept in her pee pants the whole night long that's what kind of girl some people pay extra for that what a world how about to pass the time other than watching Girl. Some people pay extra for that. What a world. What a world. How about to pass the time other than watching stuff on Netflix and stuff, David? Anything else?

Like I told you last week, bro, my goal is to walk four miles a day. Yesterday I did my longest. I think I did like 5.8 before my legs just gave out. That's a lot of round trips to the fridge, brother. Hey, Jeremiah, shut your Mr. Magoo-looking ass up. Where are you doing all this walking at? It's the Hulkster, brother. That's Hulk Hogan.

There's a park on Magnolia in Tujunga, and every lap around is a mile. And walking from the park to my house is.5 miles. Wow. Right? Yeah. So a round trip is a mile, and then every time I walk around, it's a mile. Have you been losing any weight? Do you have a scale?

You will see when we get back on stage, baby boy. We'll see that you look exactly the same That smile leads me to believe You're gonna look exactly the same You smiled so big That is not the smile Of somebody that has been on a mission What if he lost 200 pounds

But the size of his head Remained the same Nigga my skull ain't going nowhere, bitch. That's true. That thing is hefty. Yeah, yeah. Unlike Tony's head. No.

Yeah. Yeah, booty hole loving head over here. That's the size of a dildo. You got that dildo brain. How do you know that's a running David Lucas joke? I'm a fan of this show. Kill Tony Mayhew, brother. Wow.

I was going to say something different today. Your head looks like a piece of baguette bread. Baguette? Baguette. How do you say that shit? You meant baguette. Baguette. Yeah, that shit.

Baguette. Smoked salmon with capers on a baguette. Yeah, that shit. Baguette. Smoked salmon with capers on a bagel head ass. I love that shit. I eat that a lot. Of course. I just got my first jar of capers recently. I make it at home. You're not a caper guy?

You like the raw salmon? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that shit. Are you just quoting the I Spy song? What's that? Never mind. I was talking about Lil Yachty and... I Spy with my little eye.

Okay. All right. Well... But how y'all holding up, bro? Everybody in the band good? Yeah. Ana is here. She's from Iceland.

Hello, David. How's it going? Yes. This might be the worst character I've ever played. Yeah, Anna is here. She's from Iceland. Hello, David. Yes, this might be the worst character I've ever played. But I'm committing to it to the end. You sound like the lady who do my laundry. Poor Jeremiah just got to go out and switch back.

I'm out of here. Yeah, you can tell who writes this stuff over here. Jeremiah gets to switch to one of the most loved and hated characters of all time, Hollywood Hulk Hogan. And this is just some stranger from Iceland named Anna who barely understands the language. Dressed up like Animal Crossing. I don't know what's going on. I think Red Band hates Icelandic people. I think he's racist towards Iceland. Let me ask you this, Anna,

because you're from Iceland and I know there's a certain type of person that lives there. Have you ever seen anybody that looks like David Lucas while walking around in Iceland? Never. I've never seen anything like David Lucas. Only at night. David once went to Iceland.

Joe Bird, what are you? David once went to Iceland because he thought they had a lot of frozen foods there, everybody. Frozen foods. Although we do have a lot of fish, and I know you like that. Did somebody say ice? Yo, I'll be there tomorrow. Tony went to Mexico. Tony went to Mexico

because he thought they had spicy dildos. Spicy booty holes. Welcome back to spicy dildos. Oh my god. Basically, you can do, that's like your fucking trademark now. Booty holes and dildos. You can basically say anything and it's automatically hilarious.

Perhaps that could be the name of your first special. David Lucas, booty holes and dildos. I don't know. Hey, look, bro. I already told Tony, bro, two years I've been getting that nigga the no limit chain. Iced out, baby. That's right. He owes me a no limit chain. If he gets wildly successful,

which he will, of course, he's going to buy me a no limit chain with a fucking big tank. he will of course he's going to buy me a no limit chain with a fucking big tank anyway this is stuff that i talk about with my some of my black friends and we bond over our fandom of the no limit soldiers and things like that some of these things that my white friends here can't even relate yeah i can totally relate to that. You actually were. Tony, I got a... Yeah, go ahead. I got a no-limit fan moment, bro. Before the quarantine, I was actually getting my hair cut, and guess who walks in? No way.

Mystical? Silk the Shocker. Wow. I was going to say, Tony's rap name is Milk the Shocker. Yeah, bro. Silk the Shocker's tall as fuck. Yeah, Milk the Shocker. Because because you're white and milk is white booty holes dildo okay did you say hey joe bro you look like you look like one of the bad guys from tom and jerry bad guys from tom and jerry

there's only one guy bad guy you look like if you go look at the bad guy cats Who are on Tom and Jerry they had them hats on You look like the Wizard of Oz If it was in Oz the HBO series Or Showtime whatever the fucking channel that is That's just funny right there Because of the angle of your phone right now What you look like He said that you look like the wizard of oz if it was in oz the prison series he got you good he got you good that was a good that would have gotten a joelberg

in front of a live audience would have gotten a red band you've been staying six feet away from bottles of alcohol for the most part good brother we brother. We need you around, motherfucker. Oh, jeez, thanks. Play the sad music. I love that. I love it when it gets serious. But seriously, we need your skills to keep the show going. Have you been checking your blood sugar lately?

Nothing better than a guy. Is your blood type lately. Nothing better than when a... Nothing better than a guy... Is your blood type Kool-Aid? Nothing better than a guy 350 pounds saying to Red Band going, Hey, man, we need you around for a longer time than we expect you to live for. Absolutely hilarious. Tony, your blood type is spermicide. That's actually true. My blood type, I just got tested because I have good Writers Guild insurance.

I live right next to Cedars-Sinai in the medical district of Beverly Hills. And I actually got tested. They took my blood. And it's funny, you're making a joke, but they actually said your blood came back as spermicide. So you're basically a doctor. They found latex in your coronavirus test.

Wow. Thank you. Tony had to do a booty swab to get tested for coronavirus. You're saying he went through one of the drive-thru lines and instead of opening his mouth, they said,

Turn over, brother. Hell yeah. They made Tony fart into a glass jar. Okay. All right. Milkshake? And it turned into a gay ghost in the jar. Brian said milkshake.

Milkshake. This is incredible You are David you still got it You still have your roasting skills And that makes me so happy We're gonna get through one more comedian And then in this episode there goes David Lucas Everybody one more time for David Lucas

David Lucas. David Lucas is funny on social media. William Montgomery something on what? Instagram. MichaelLairComedy.com is his website. Let's go with one more stranger here. Is Linda ready? Here we go.

The one minute set to close us out here tonight. We're going to do one more minute on a long episode of Kill Tony. The comedy stylings of Linda Orr, everyone. Here we go. Here's a band's going to play. Linda Orr, here we go. Hi, my name is Linda. I died of cancer last year, and it's kind of my favorite thing in the world to tell people. I went and I saw my surgical oncologist a couple weeks ago,

and he thought that my scars looked so good that he called together a group of medical students so they could come and admire them too. I had radiation in my vagina, and when I was done with my last treatment, my doctor gave me a dildo, told me to use it three to four times a week for the rest of my life. A prescription to masturbate? You can see why I need to look so good so often.

Fuck yeah,inda orr linda orr hello how are you linda oh my gosh i'm having such a great time i love it you have such great wi-fi where are you at i'm in chicago illinois hey yeah chicago's got that booming bandwidth out there deep dish wi-fi that's right they got a wi-fi and a couple ladies on the side fives you know what i'm talking about hey so uh linda awesome stuff you are a uh a beautiful young lady here. I feel like you have this Max Hedrum type of vibe to you that I can't really. Sharon Stone. I crossed the legs. Let's see it. No, Brian, stop it.

You already got four sexual harassments in on poor Larkayla earlier. You made her vagina close even more than it was. We wish you a nice Christmas. We wish you a nice Christmas. We wish you a nice Christmas. Wait a second. We wish you a nice Christmas. Happy New Year, brother. You weren't even here for that.

How do you even know about that? I was watching the live stream. Wow. Hollywood Hulk Hogan watches the live stream of Kill Tony every episode at YouTube.com slash Kill Tony. Why not watch it live right uh so linda how's it going out there in chicago how are you oh my god i'm so good because i don't have to go to work yeah what do you normally do for work uh well i was doing some

script transcription and temping and a little bit of chocoteering. But, you know, now I'm just like living the high life. What was the last thing you said? A little bit of chocoteering? Chocolateering. Black dudes. So you really are a chocolatier? I am. What is that?

Hold on. Everybody, just wait a second. I couldn't hear her. What was your response there? I am a chocolatier. Hold on, everybody, just wait a second. I couldn't hear her. What was your response there? I am a chocolatier, and the name of my little company is Little Chocolatiers. Wow. I don't like the sound of that, brother. I have referenced chocolatiers many times on this show, and I have ever, I am yet to ever meet one until you, Linda Orr.

How long have you been a chocolatier for? About two months. Oh, my goodness goodness so this is all new to you and uh wow well I mean I've been studying it for a while but I really got serious about it two months ago oh my goodness red band just came in his pants this is a real chocolatier, Red Band. I heard white chocolate's not really chocolate. I mean. You know what? You're right.

It'll never truly be white. Yeah. All right. So, Linda, did you talk about, I can't, I had a little bit of trouble hearing you during certain parts of your set. Okay. I believe, did you say that you had cancer at some point? I did. I had cancer last year. Wow.

Can we ask what kind of cancer it was? It was lady cancer. I had it in my uterine. Oh, wow. That's a very tough cancer to survive, right? Or do I have it confused with ovarian? I know ovarian is a real hard one. Is uterian a tough one too? Utilitarian is the worst.

Go ahead, Linda. I don't know. I lived. Right. That's incredible. That's incredible. Normally those things spread very fast down there. But congratulations on surviving. Was that very hard? Well, it wasn't my favorite thing in the world.

Right. For sure. Now the only thing spreading is your legs. Oh, jeez. Well, I have to spread. Maybe we can edit that. Maybe we can edit that a minute earlier where the joke belonged. You took cancer down like I did Andre the Giant in the 90s.

Again, that was the 80s Hulk Hogan. Your memory. Andre's already dead. Some of the CTEs really. Really kicking in. Today is the anniversary of my 18th year match with The Rock. Anyway, Linda, what's your love life like you single no i'm not i'm married wow how long have you been married for oh my gosh um i think eight years

wow look at you my goodness i was a big fan of your relationship with Flavor Flav. Oh, yes. That's right. The sunglasses are giving us a lot of leeway. Giving us a lot of leeway to make Max Hedgroom and Bridget Nielsen jokes. So I find this incredible that you had

uterine cancer and your husband stuck with you. Were you guys able to stay sexually active? Are you still able to be sexually active? How does that work with euterian cancer? Okay, let's see. Well, we're still sexually active. It's different.

um it's different i have you know i had i lost a portion of my vagina and i had radiation in my vagina so it's not the same place that it used to be right it's a little bit different it's mostly butthole now or that's like it has superpowers now with their anna has a good point maybe there's uh superpowers down there have you ever tried to maybe like uh spread your legs and shoot your vagina at a bad guy or something like that i'm gonna do that the next time somebody comes up to me in the train. Yeah. If anybody comes up to you, tries to take your purse,

just queef on them. Let's see what happens. Finishing move, brother. That's right. That's right. The old Chicago fucking queeped it. Jesus Christ.

My God. It turns out drinking almost a whole bottle of red wine is affecting my speech. Red wine. Red wine. Looks like Uncle Tony's table wine is taking him out. For one, two, three. Wow. Linda, any special skills or talents that we should know about?

Yes. Yes. Awesome. Awesome. I can play the guitar. I'm unprepared. skills or talents that we should know about? Yes. Yes. Yes. Awesome. Awesome. I can shoot basketballs out of my vagina. I'm prepared. Can I play a song? You're goddamn right you can play a song, Linda.

Please let this be a saxophone you're about to grab. Oh, it's a guitar. It's okay. Okay, Linda. We're excited for you. Here she is. She's at Iris Cutter. I-R-I-S-C-U-T-T-E-R on social media. She's about to play a song for us right now. You want to set it up for us, Linda? Um, no, you'll get it.

Okay, perfect. Here she is, Linda Orr. Okay. Okay. I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing? Where did you come from, baby? How did you know I needed you? Did you know you're everything I prayed for? Did you know every night and day?

Yesterday I was one of the lonely people. Now you're lying next to me, giving it to me. Oh, I believe in miracles. Where are you from, you sexy thing Wow, that was beautiful I believe in miracles as well Oh my gosh. There you go. You know, every time I said Dawn.

Maybe next episode Hulk Hogan will be able to. It's okay. You can find it. Jeremiah, you can find it. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Safe word. Safe word.

There you go. Very good. If you believe in miracles enough, you can play the song. God. Jesus. We already got it. We got it. Very good. If you believe in miracles enough, you could play the song. God. We already got it. We got it. Jeremiah, we got it. Jeremiah. Oh my god. Sorry, I had to say.

There's like a line at some point where it just becomes sort of ignorant. You got it, brother. Okay, I didn't even respond to anything where that could be a response. Okay. Here we go. Back to anything where that could be a response. Okay. Here we go. Back to the guest, Linda Orr.

Thank you so much for your incredible, incredible song that you played for us where you had the notes and the chords in your head and you executed it. That was incredible, Linda. Very impressive. She's at Iris Cutter on social media. There she goes, Linda Orr. And that is tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Thank you, Linda. Congratulations to everybody that got selected by the incredible Gage T. Urena.

G-A-G-E-T-I-J-E-R-N-A. And at StrangeTaste underscore on social media. I always want to say strange brew or strange times, but it's strange taste underscore. Let's check in with that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel, shall we? It's coming up right now. Okay, Jeremiah, why don't you plug your stuff? How about a hand for Hulk Hogan and Gustav tonight, Jeremiah? I had a feeling that would get you to stop playing the saxophone.

I should just say that from now on is plug your stuff. Do you want me to keep playing or? No, go ahead. Oh, okay. Jeremiah wonders who's on this week. Well, last week was Joel Jimenez. I didn't ask about last week. I said, who's on this week on your pocket?

We know that because last week you said Joel Jimenez was on. I couldn't remember if I said it or not, brother. Oh, you don't forget. Pauly Shore, Jeff Ross, and Justin Martindale make calls into the show. And then this is Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. See, like. Yeah, brother. The Tiger King, I got doing that because i was on character why

would hulk hogan who's worth hundreds of millions of dollars like i said the hulkster's falling upon hard times brother oh my god you are you are unbelievable you sold out of those calendars i don't understand actually there's still some left if you if you want to get one of those, that's a real thing. At Jeremiah Standup on social media. All right, all right. We got you. Let's look at this drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Wow, look at that.

Is that fucking painted already? How do you even do that? Is that on black paper? No, it's just being at home and not doing all the likenesses. Oh, my God. Charlie, do you see what it says there at the top? No, it's just being at home and not doing all the likenesses. Oh My great God Charlie. Do you see what it says there at the top says eat at Vito's? That is awesome indeed a fucking kitty rocket ship. Is that Michael layer out there all by himself? I'm pretty sure disabled Superman is the only thing he isn't auditioning for this week. Fucking incredible.

Hey, Ryan, you still having that sale on your website? Oh, yeah. Everything's on sale. Everything's on sale. It's all over my house. It's all over our studio ryanjebelt.com you can get a print of any episode or specifically any uh road date or any of the massive events including the quarantine event i've seen a lot of people the past week that have gotten theirs

delivered uh the special brand new quarantine poster um that features everybody all locked up. I think that's a special momentous occasion type of poster to have because... And you lick every package that you send out, right? Well, you know, I keep a roll of paper towels. This is the thing that I miss about having a live audience is I miss

Red Band not getting laughs and the only two people being band members that laugh about having a live audience is I miss Red Band not getting laughs. Travel band. And the only two people being band members that laugh at him. But now it seems like he's being equally funny or something like that. It's incredible. He is gaining more power.

He's getting the same amount of laughs in this room than he got when we had 480 people every Monday. By the way, everybody watch The Mandarin on Disney Plus when you get home. I love it. Yes. By the way, everybody watch The Mandarin on Disney Plus when you get home. I love it. Watch The Mandarin, everybody. Get back to those cuties. That's right.

Don't forget Vito's Pizza is the place that puts it all in our belly. Go get a candle from damngoodco.com. Get a candle. Once it's delivered to you tag kill Tony on Instagram on a story in the picture on the Instagram story

and then we will repost it I have one right here that I'm taking home with me it's called buns and noses see it's fun it's funny you can have laughs about it smells like cinnamon buns man bun. Thank you to Gino and Better Box Studios for making this all possible.

Anna, you want to go ahead, plug something? I'm going to give this away. It's not really Anna, people. That has been Jet Ski Johnson this entire time. Listen, we're quarantined. No shops are open. We're scavengering for our costumes. We're making do with what we have.

And speaking of which, I want to shout out one person, Michael Turner. New comic. He just moved to Los Angeles, and he let us use his tiger suit last week. Thanks, Mike. Oh, that's great. So we're really pulling together to make these characters work. Is Michael from Phoenix? He's from Phoenix.

He moved to Los Angeles like a month before all this shit happened. But he's so funny. He's years of the game. You know what? You should have, in order to pay him back for letting us use his tiger suit, you should have him submit a minute to Kill Tony Quarantine, and he can do the show next week. Again, that email is KillTonyQuarantine, all one word, at gmail.com.

KillTonyQuarantine at gmail.com. You can submit a minute. You can be on this show. And we'll meet you. So that's fun. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez was here tonight, everybody. How about a hand for Joel, everyone? Mostly sorry on social media.

He's an official Ludwig artist. What else, Joel? Nothing. I love you guys. Also, the Mandarin best show in the whole wide world. Got him. Incredible. Was that Chroma Chris's joke for the night?

Oh, Chroma Chris is okay. People are asking. Yeah, Chroma Chris is okay. He's quarantining right now. Yeah, Chroma's quarantining right now. Yeah, Chromacris quarantining. Thank you to Infinite CBD and amazing Ridge Wallet for making this episode all possible. And again, Gino here at Betterbox and everybody at Betterbox Studios, Anthony and Gage are your heroes. You can thank Gino, Anthony, Gage for making this all. Because without this, this would not be possible.

It would suck. We would be doing nothing on Mondays. Again, Vito's Pizza. Everybody that came up tonight. Brian Boom Kelleher. Go watch his last fight. If you just watched him perform, why not? It only lasts less than one round.

You might as well go watch it. Larkala Mosley, Nick Meyer, Nicole KP, Alistair Clark, Linda Orr, and of course David Lucas, William Montgomery in an amazing extended length performance by Michael Lair tonight. Thank you everybody and we will see you next week here at Kill Tony

Quarantine. Red Band! Check out Brian Holtzman's podcast Dead Air and of course Brothers in Cursive over at Death Squad. This week we got two episodes so check it out, deathsquad.tv. Thanks a lot.