KILL TONY - KILL TONY #45

Episode Date: April 12, 2014

Kirk Fox, Jade Catta-Preta, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Earl/Earl Skakel, Brian Redban – Date: 03/31/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey guys, it's Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. If you want to come see us live, we do this Kill Tony every Monday at 8pm at the World Famous Comedy Store on Sunset. Tickets are free, so just come on down. And me, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Tiffany Haddish are going on the road for the Death Squad 2014 Northwest Tour. Tickets can be found at DeathSquad.TV. April 18th will be in Portland, Oregon at the Funhouse Lounge. April 19th will be in Seattle, Washington at the Highline and the Big 420 Show, man, at Vancouver, Canada, Edgewater Casino. All the ticket links are at

DeathSquad.tv. Also, there's ways to help us. Death Squad relies 100% on you. We need money. I can't pay for this thing. I'm almost bankrupt because of Death Squad. I don't have the money or the sponsors that the other guys have. I've been just pretty much paying for everything using only t-shirt sales. I used to have Amazon accounts and all this other stuff, but unfortunately they

dropped me because of my subject matter, I guess. Amazon doesn't like talking about boobies. Anyways, so please, if you can, go to deathsquad.tv, click on the donate link. That will show you all the different ways you can help us out by either donating money or buying a t-shirt or even our Amazon wish list for items that we need for the studio so please death squad dot tv or the official death squad store for the t-shirt and stickers is shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yay, everybody. How are you guys? All right. Fuck yeah. I like how sometimes, like, there was, there was like what three episodes ago there's no way to measure what it's gonna be like sometimes they just stop clapping sometimes they keep clapping this room really knows how to accentuate awkwardness when it happens it really

does right like it was that was a nice solid clap i say what's up everybody and everybody stopped clapping and then didn't say anything so that's gonna translate weird yeah you would almost think that it was like fake applause turned down yeah anyway but I'm glad to see you guys even though uh you guys love sitting in the back rows and hiding obviously I invited some of you to move up earlier but it's good I like the front row empty you know those are those are comedy veterans though that don't sit in the front row empty. You know, those are comedy veterans, though, that don't sit in the front row. That's true. Those are the best ones, right? Right.

They just hide out. Yeah. Would you ever sit in the front row of a comedy club? Have you ever? Have I ever? No, no. That's weird. I saw my second show was Dave Attell, and I sat right in the front row.

That'd be awesome. And I was recording him with this little camera. Jesus, you're a shady motherfucker. And he called me out. I bet. It's a pretty great video. Oh, by the way, a good friend of Death Squad. She's been on many Death Squad shows.

Rita Lux is here in the audience, guys. Hey. And she's an amazing artist. And she just gave me a gift can you hold my microphone for a second yeah she just gave me a gift she has new art prints that are available on her store she's got a lot of cool stuff and her design is really unique I love her how she draws she kind of draws like Aeon Flux kind of, if you know the old Aeon Flux cartoon. But anyways, check her out. Her store

is... I love Red Band. All right. RitaLux.BigCartel.com And that's R-I-T-A-L-U-X dot big, B-I-G C-A-R-T-E-L dot com. Rita, thank you very much for the print. This is awesome.

This episode is also brought to you by McDonald's. McDonald's, I'm loving it. That's true. I had McDonald's today for lunch, and boy, am I feeling good. Helps me all the time. By the way, McDonald's now has free Wi-Fi, so if you were loving it before, you're going to be loving it even more.

A special sponsor of this year's Olympics in Sochi, McDonald's, bringing the best of tomorrow to you today. Who are the people that are doing their work at McDonald's on the Wi-Fi? I know, right? Oh, man, I have so much shit I have to get done. I got to go to McDonald's and take care of this ASAP. Paying probation tickets. There's shit that I have to sit there and procrastinate through for five hours. I'm going to McDonald's for their free Wi-Fi.

Not only is the Wi-Fi free, but also the refills. McDonald's, I'm loving it. Thank you, McDonald's, for for the sponsorship we're so excited about that we can't believe that they would take a chance on a belly room comedy podcast but they did and we're very excited about that a lot of people were thinking that we might sell out

and go corporate at any point and guess what we were McDonald's where you can relax and take time for yourself only at McDonald's that's what it says it does I was just looking for a picture of somebody masturbating or something like that

but there is a milkshake squirting milkshake there they're really trying to play it like McDonald's isn't only for meth heads anymore I mean McDonald's I'm loving it anyway McDonald's. I'm loving it. Anyway. McDonald's for people running late to a show

and they have to eat in two minutes. Right. Relax. Take time for yourself. Go through our drive-thru as fast as you can. Right.

Anyway. Fuck yeah. So this is episode 45 of Kill Tony. This is very exciting. My God. I don't want to really bring this up. And we can't talk about who it is.

But I just want to say, because I have to acknowledge it, we have some guests coming up on this show that are unbelievable. And I had one today that couldn't make it. It turned out something happened a few hours before. But by God, there's some big ones coming up. Just wanted to get that out there. Nice dick tease for the audience right now I was so excited for what was about to happen that

I just had to like mind fart that one because we almost had somebody diabolical even though we have an amazing amazing show with two people that have already been on in fact three our patriot is a return patriot but probably one of

the best patriots. The response from this patriot has been amazing. No doubt about it. I mean, this one is out of control. Before we bring him out, we should talk about our shows on the 18th, 19th, and 20th. Oh, yeah. Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver.

McDonald's. I'm loving it. You know, you need to take time for yourself once in a while by going to that April 18th, 19th, and 20th. For 420, we're going to be at the Edgewater Casino in Vancouver, which is awesome. I can't wait to get crazy stoned in a public place. Yes, absolutely.

420 at Vancouver. We're going to smoke some pot and then enjoy a good McCafe, a new dessert treat. They even have real maraschino cherries that they put on top. They only give you one. You can get a refill, but only one cherry. And this new Taco Bell breakfast. Fuck

Taco Bell breakfast. Who wants Taco Bell breakfast? That's disgusting. I don't want Taco Bell dinner. It's really tough to convince me. I'm not a very big pro-breakfast person. I'm like a horse. I'll eat some oats. you know what

I really love, though, is McDonald's breakfast. Available before 11pm. Right. So you guys get it. Let's bring out our head. Since the beginning of this show, for some reason, we've always had a head of security, somebody to keep us safe. For more than 30 episodes, we had the Iron Patriot, who was a very loyal member of everything. And then he turned his back on us.

So we've been rotating in new Patriots each week. This one is a return Patriot. One of our favorites of all time. And he's stronger than ever. Put your hands together for Iron Earl Skaple, everybody. Ravishing Patriot. Fuck yeah, there he is. Some people wonder, how's it going, Patriot, first of all?

I'd like to take a moment to tell all you fat, lazy, untalented potluckers, you better be funny or you're out. And I'll show your women what a real sexy body looks like. Oh, God. Fuck yeah. For those of you that don't get it yet, Iron Earl sort of plays it like he's the bad guy on a wrestling match. And I got to tell you, Earl, that is quite the up.

I don't know if that's an upgrade or a downgrade, losing the pants and just going with underwear tonight. But Jesus, it's very hard to look at. There's too many shadows going on over there. Fuck yeah, people just squeezing in to get a closer look at Earl's junk. Welcome, guys. Fuck yeah.

This is disturbing. A lot of people said that Earl was our most controversial patriot. A lot of racist remarks at some points. One of the facts that you said was that your special power is white power. It's the only power to have. I watch Roots backwards.

I get hard. I'm not even exactly sure what that means. I'm not either. If you watched it backwards, that means what? That they'd be free in the end. Yeah, but the beginning's great. What is that pelvic thrust you're doing? Do you have Tourette's of the crotch?

I just have a crotch that's ready for action. Oh, Jesus. Whoa, there you go. Laney, that's 30%. All right. I love the fact that you almost don't wear any of the costume, but you do wear the bra part of it. You're willing to let your junk hang out,

but your nipples, no way. You gotta pay for that. If you just look at his dick while he talks it looks like his dick has one of those like throat cancer microphones on it watch yeah talk yeah jesus um god fuck yeah well welcome back patriot it's very exciting to have you uh he's the only Patriot that doesn't wear the mask because we actually think his face is funnier than the Patriot helmet. He's got a Kennedy head. You have Kennedy in your blood, right?

Yeah, yeah. If I was riding shotgun with Kennedy, he'd still be alive. It's a joke about how big his head is, folks, for those of you listening at home or in this room. It's just not acknowledging how gigantic of a head he has. That's not an optical illusion. I see one lady cleaning off her glasses right now, very shocked at what she's seeing.

And you have some hefty glasses, too. What are those? Like, how bad is your vision? I can see the sun with these glasses. Well, we can all see the sun. That's really not a very good... I think you should have a different answer loaded up for next time on that. I can see the sun in the moon.

There may not be a next time if you keep this up. You weatherman want to be... Fuck yeah. Did you feel the earthquake over the weekend? I was fucking when it was happening, so I thought it was me. You felt it, right? Did the dudes think the same thing?

It's possible. A hole's a hole at four in the morning. I actually felt it. They were filming a documentary. Graham Elwood's documentary, Earbuds, was filming me. So they were interviewing me during it. And I had one of those freak out moments like the guy on the news. You did?

Yeah. Because it was very close to this epic center or whatever the fuck it's called. Epic center. Where it's like super awesome. Yeah. It's like so epic. Epic, bro. No, but it was like near Pasadena where I was at.

So I got footage, like nice HD footage of me acting like a bitch now. That's great. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Well, let's get this party started, shall we? It's episode 45 of Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. And as always, I have two of my funniest friends here to sit with me and hang out and watch comedy. So put your hands together for two of our finest return guests that we've ever had.

Earl, can you tell your dick to settle down a little bit? Can't help it. Fuck yeah. There you go. Josh Martin, everybody, the worst comedy producer in Hollywood. Always there five minutes after you need him. I can't help it. My dick is by the mic. One of the only grown men that I

know that looks like he drinks juice boxes. Josh Martin, everybody. There he is. Doesn't he look like he should always have a juice box in his hand? Anyway, here's our guests, everybody. Two of my favorites. It's Jade Catapretta and Kirk Fox, everybody. Two of my favorites. It's Jade Catapretta and Kirk Fox, everybody.

You know Jade from the podcast. Kirk Fox, Comedy Central, The Test. Love The Test. One of my favorite shows to watch when I get a chance to. Oh, I don't believe you. No, it's so true. I don't believe you. Hi, guys.

Hi. Hey. Earl. Jade. Fuck yeah. What do you guys think about this patriot? I've always thought

he looked like Flanders, you know, because he's like kind of dorky and then he takes off his shirt and you're like, I don't fuck that.

That's a good comparison. You know, because Flanders has that like fake really super hot Jesus chest just like Earl. I think it's working

and his head might not be big. We might just have small heads we have tiny heads well we know he has a tiny head down there I can say that who are you asking anyone

anybody oh man I like it I can see every tiny part of your dick your underwear was a little wet earlier and I'm glad it dried out that's cute that's a better look. He really got his balls busted about that one. God almighty had the urinate.

He had a little dribble. Yeah, it is tough, right? Guys get a little dribble. It's okay. The older you get, that starts happening. It's really hard to avoid the drip. I mean, I notice it. Sometimes I'll wear gray underwear. Red's really hard to avoid the drip. I mean, I notice it. You know, sometimes I'll wear like gray underwear. Red's another one.

The red almost turns purple if it's wet. Is this a problem you guys all have? There's a couple drops that'll happen. I mean, not like a... It wasn't like he peed his pants. I can stop mine at any moment. Yeah, it's just one tiny drop. But even if the tip's wet, it turns into a drop. If I drop, it's because I want to.

There's some in the barrel that you have to just squeeze out after you've stopped. Who does that? Mini jerk it off for a second. A little baby blowjob. Sometimes I just drip in the toilet and then pee in my underwear.

Just to confuse everybody. That's pretty sexy. It's all very sexy. You don't ever drip? I don't drip. No, I actually never drip. You're seated. No, I can feel it.

I can feel things. She has a lot of lips covering up the whole thing. A lot of lips. Big lips. They keep everything in. But when those get wet, see, I've had a thing lately

where I'm trying to figure out where girls pee out of exactly. You don't know? I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you. I mean, like, I sort of know, but I've never actually seen a hole.

Does anybody know? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. It just comes out. What does the pee hole look like, Ryan? It looks like a little hole. Yeah've never actually seen a hole. Does anybody know? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. It just comes out. What does the pee hole look like, Ryan? It looks like a little hole. Yeah, it's a tiny hole. Where?

I'm not going to show you my pee hole. But it doesn't look like a hole. It just looks like a piece of skin. Yes, it does. It looks like a tiny hole. You could put a flower in it. If I try, if I spread it, I can kind of designate where it goes. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like I'm talented. Oh, here's the best video you need to watch. I don't know if it's still online. It used to be on LiveLeak. It's a guy fucking a girl in her pee hole. It's Earl. It's Earl's gay girl.

He's in that video. It's real. I'm just taking it in, Brian. I'm just taking it all in. I'll find it by the end of the podcast. Yeah, what was it? A tiny penis in a giant pee hole kind of it wasn't that big it was like a pencil dick but still to stretch out the pee hole and fuck it it it's crazy was there a horse involved or no no no horse okay I always think about that like because some there was a thing with a guy stuck

a tiny fork in his pee hole in jail and it was like an exotic thing like he was into it. But it was like a tiny fork. I mean I guess some peels are bigger than others. That's a pretty big fork. I mean as far as as far as fork goes. Yeah. As far as something you shove up your penis. No. Do you know what I mean. Jesus. How did we get on this

pee hole. Pee holes. Earl started it. Earl started it. I started it. So let me ask you this. So if a guy is going down on a girl, they're pretty much licking the P-hole at one point. Here we go. P-hole fucking two on X2. No, no.

This is the sequel, which a lot of people say it's not as good as the first one. Are you playing a... A lot of unanswered questions at the end of the one. Yeah. Are we watching it? Are we watching this video? No, I'm watching it. Is McDonald's watching this video? No, I'm watching it.

Is McDonald's sponsoring this video? Guy fucking a girl's pee hole. Oh, it's a black pee hole. You need to relax and take time. Okay. Jesus Christ. What the? Oh, yeah, there we go.

See that? Wait, what? That's not a pee hole. Yeah, that's her pee hole. No. Yes. That's one of those things you don't even want to look at. You don't even want to look at it.

It just looks like two horse dicks. That's the only shot in Star Wars. It's very weird. Oh. Wait, what? The only shot in Star... I so badly want to get what you just said. Oh, it's weird.

It doesn't make sense. That's good. That's good. I'm tapping out. It doesn you just said. Oh, it's weird. All right, that's good. That's good. I'm tapping out. Does it make sense? I fold. Yeah. I just tapped out on the...

God, that's weird. That was very creepy. It was like... You got to show us something to block that out. I know. Disney. Show me some Disney. What's the ginger to that sushi?

Show me someone fucking Bambi. All right. Here's a... Not in its people. Here's a dolphin... No, here's a dolphin vagina. What's the ginger to that sushi? Show me someone fucking Bambi. Here's a dolphin vagina. No, here's a dolphin vagina. I don't want to see that. It's Earl. It's getting alpha male. It's alf and male put together.

It's alpha male. Oh, guys, let's get out of internet prison. We're live. I love it. We're live together here, all together. And if you guys could smell Earl, it's like a musk. It's a musk like a cabin that you haven't been to in a while, but you have supplies there so you go back for like a vacation or when you're running away from the cops.

Earl, listen, she's attacking you, but I got to tell you, you look good, you seem confident, good posture. Your scent, I didn't notice it. It's how I flirt. Just stand tall. Oh, me and Jade have always wanted to hit the phone. He's right. And what's gotten in the way?

Girlfriend's boyfriend. His speaker box to his microphone. Fuck yeah. Earl, do you have any questions for our guest today? Yeah. Not really. I'm a big fan of Kirk's. I was telling him the set he did before Charlie Sheen

in Detroit with those animals. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that. One of the most impressive things. You just stayed in the pocket and you got laughs. Oh, I didn't get laughs. I got booed for 20 straight minutes. So you may have seen something else. I heard laughs.

Were you there? No, no. I was on YouTube in my underwear. I was there, and I heard no laughs. It was mostly boos, but consistent. They were well-focused. And they stayed strong for 20 minutes. They stayed strong. Listen, I stood there in fear. That's crazy.

When it gets to a certain point. How long did you do? I did 20 straight minutes of booing. And that was his first show on that mega tour. I think. Whatever it was, it was good. It was supposed to happen. I feel good that I didn't get shot.

Was it a thing at any time that you were like, you know what, I'm bailing? Or did you know I'm getting paid? No, I wouldn't bail. Listen, you've got to take it in. There was 3,000 booing and I wanted the other 2,000. Right.

So I encouraged them to all unite as one and just hate together. Yeah. And they all came together and they were consistent. You should release that set on iTunes. That set is gone. It's been destroyed. He complimented you. I think most comics

would have bailed after five minutes. Yeah, but a lot of them have places to go. I was in Detroit. New place. Never been there. I'm going to get my 20 minutes. Charlie came out at the 10 minute mark and gave me a Hershey's kiss, which he thought would encourage me. I think he thought I was hypoglycemic.

Did he really do that? Would I just say he did if he didn't? Yeah, that would be pretty random if he just came. Yeah, he's not really that kind of guy, Tony. He came out, he thought he could calm them, but it just encouraged them more because now they knew he was here. Basically, everything that could backfire that night did. It was a perfect storm of shit.

You had a tiny bit of pee on your pants? No. Like I said, I could turn that off. That's awesome. I did have shit in my box. Jade, you have a podcast called The Podcast. Yeah, I'm still stoned from last week. That was the highest I've ever been in a long time.

Yeah, Speedweed came by and just delivered weedmas, is what I call it. Your podcast is podcast? Yeah, we smoke pot and then we play improv singing games. Mine's no cast. No cast. Nope. Just never happens. Do you try to put it together? It's just too much of a pain?

No, I never even thought about it. I like that you kind of yawned in the response. I told Tony that we'd do one called Snuffcast, and we'd talk to someone and then kill them. Yeah, at the end of the episode, we'd kill them. I thought you would just do Snuff the whole time. And we'd sell it on Daitunes, correct? Yeah, Daitunes.

And we came to the conclusion that it'd be pretty tough to book guests. Yeah, but the ones you get will be memorable. You'd have to surprise the guests. No, you let them know what's coming. That would be a good podcast, having the podcast

between a kidnapper and a hostage, you know? That would be a horrible podcast. They've had lots of friends. Just talk about current events. How scared are you, huh? Where are you from? Shut the fuck up!

How much do you think your parents love you? Oh my God, Greg. You tell me what to ask for. Halfway through the episode. 50 grand? Yeah, that's great. And then you call them.

I have a special set of skills. I like to nap and wake up at noon. Then you call the parents on the air and negotiate the release. Let's do it. Let's do a practice one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who wants to be the hostage?

Earl. First five minutes, it's just the kidnapper, and the kidnapee still has the tape around her mouth or something. There's a lot of places to go with it, Tony. We'll talk more about this after this one. Let's get this one kick-started, guys. You know what it is. It's Kill Tony 45, everybody.

How you guys doing out there? How's that back row? Fuck yeah. There's those clapping hands. Hey, Tony. Tony, question. Just real quick. Was this one of the slowest starts you ever think one has had?

No. Somebody just said yeah. Feel good about it? No, I feel good. Okay. Have you showed everybody your butt? I just feel like we're getting a better perspective than I mean. Oh, God.

Why do I even look? I'm expecting vaginas and boobs to come out of him? No. Don't hate all you lazy, sleazy, gym dorks. Just show them your butt again and don't talk anymore. Earl, those are audience members. The comedians are up there. Be mean to them, not them.

I'm talking to everyone in here. I don't acknowledge the comics. It's funny. How many dick pull-ups can you do? Two. Well, you guys know what we do here. Comedians come up for the chance to do one minute on stage. They get pulled out of a bucket.

They know that their minute's up when they hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, how cute. That means your time's up. Don't go much longer than that, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's an aggressive bear. He sounds hot. That is a bear that on his way to space killed a couple monkeys. What do they do?

So let's get this thing started. All right, let's go. We try to talk. Whoops, there you go. Why not just have that person be first? It literally just jumped out of the... Put your hands together for T-pap t-pap oh wow oh he's right there oh fuck yeah what's up everyone yeah so um you're talking to my buddies and you got these friends with like stupid ideas of what they would want to do for living in a perfect world i had this one friend he goes yeah i want to be a i'd be a gynecologist

bro that would be fucking awesome i'm like yeah i don't think you really thought this one through do you think uh being a gyno is like on your knees in front of supermodels all day just checking their pussies for how good it looks you You really think like you're just sitting there going, yeah, it looks nice, it looks good. Yeah, okay, yeah, go and do your shoot, no problem, babe. Is that what you're thinking? Like, all right, hurry up because I got the Swedish bikini team coming through real quick and yeah, they're here. All right, ladies, yeah, yes, come on. Okay, see you later. Come in, ladies. Come in, ladies. No, no, no, no, no. All at the same time, up against the wall, bent over. I don't know why he thinks that's such a good idea. It's fucking dumb, right?

Because the reality is, he's probably going to come home to his girlfriend, and the last thing he wants to see is her fucking disgusting vagina, because he's been looking at nasty vaginas all day long. Right? Give me the fucking cat already. There it is. No, that was a minute. disgusting vagina because he's been looking at nasty vaginas all day long. Right? Give me the fucking cat already. There it is. No, that was a minute.

Was it a minute? Yeah. It's so hard to compress those into like a minute. It's just really difficult. I felt like you took an um break. You had a lot more time than you think. Yeah, there's a lot of um break. You ummed a lot, so you could have been talking then. Because it's a longer joke than that, and there's so much more,

and there's like voices and characters that i do and then to compress that into a minute okay compress that what's the point what are you trying to say what's your opinion on the subject like i said like they have these fantasies about like what a job is like like that they don't do so one of them would be gynecologists which right okay who likes looking okay yeah make it really compact like say he it's a guy it's a gynecologist it's bad because it who likes looking at pussies... Make it really compact. It's a guy, it's a gynecologist. It's bad because... Break it down really tight. Alright, it's bad because

you're not looking at pretty gorgeous vaginas all day. What you're looking at is women who are coming in to have their vaginas inspected because usually there's something wrong with it. And you don't want to see that. As a guy, you just think oh, pussies are beautiful all the time. But no, there's issues that come up, right?

As a woman, I assume you know. Did you just hear that laugh just then? Yeah. You could have done that. Okay. You could have gotten that. Because that was just you talking. I'm still learning.

No, I know. That's what this is all about. No, that's all good. We're all on the same team here. Yeah. But the point is that you just explained it. You just explained the premise like

you would actually explain it to strangers than the presentation that you gave before. Well, the long-winded thing clearly didn't work. So even compacting it still didn't work. But you just explaining it of why you think it was funny,

that worked. So that should tell you what comedy is. Yep. Okay. Is you just going up there and saying, listen, my buddy wants to be a gynecologist, but I think he's under some misconceptions. And then you explain what it really is.

Okay. Yeah, don't worry so much about the act out because I got really lost in your act out. I was like, where? And then you were like, oh, and line up. I was like, wait, wait, wait. You gave a bunch of great examples of what the guy is expecting to come in.

Yeah, but the truth is supermodels do go to gynecologists. But the catch is that there's usually something wrong with them when they do. Even if you do get a supermodel or the volleyball team. The worse the problem, the hotter the girl, the more disgusting she's going to be there for. You know what i mean so bang ugly chicks from now on got it all right i mean that's your angle um but yeah and you didn't give an example of uh what what would be going in there you just said what won't be going in there and like we said the truth is they will be going in there. You just said what won't be going in there. And like we said, the truth is they will be going in there.

But the more you blow up, like maybe if it's not volleyball team, maybe it's the- DAVID CHOEHLER- And you also lost a little interest in it. You got bored telling it. DAVID CHOEHLER- It was more like me forgetting where I was going with it. DAVID CHOEHLER- Yeah, but the point is,

if you're not feeling it and you're getting bored with it, we're definitely going to be getting bored with it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to have a point. DAVID CHOEHLER- So you got to sell it. Whatever you're selling up there, you better believe in it. You better believe that those vaginas are going to scare the shit out of somebody.

They would. You know? You don't have to compact anything. Just find a joke that fits in a minute. Don't take a five minute joke and try and turn it into a minute. You hear me, man? I'm totally hearing you, man.

I'm listening to everything you're saying. Earl, what's your take on gynecologists? Do you ever want to be one of those or anything? I've stared into enough vaginas to know it's not my bag. Vaginas? No, looking at them.

Oh, okay. It looked like that thing Boba Fett fell into. vaginas oh okay okay fuck yeah yeah I was on the Swedish bikini team, and then you hit a few, like the number four at Arby's. Right. Yeah. Oh, it's a slow burn on that one. It just gets more disgusting as you think about it. I wouldn't knock his girlfriend.

I mean, his girlfriend might have a beautiful vagina. Yeah, I didn't understand the girlfriend part at the end. Like, you're making fun of her vagina? That was like a Hail Mary I threw in there. I don't know. A lot of Hail Marys just don't get caught. Yeah, we go to gynecologists for just checkups too, but you know what's uncomfortable when you get a hot gynecologist?

I hate that. You're like, ugh. Yeah, you know? You mean a hot guy? Every once in a while you'll get a nurse practitioner. No, like a hot woman. And then you're like, hi, oh, hey. And you feel like you want to be friends with them.

It's very weird. Are you sure they're even the gynecologist? then you're like, hi, oh, hey, do you want to? And you feel like you want to be friends with them. It's very weird. Are you sure they're even the gynecologist? Maybe you're meeting somebody in the lobby. Does it moisten you up a little? Jesus. Get out of here. You're done. Is it mostly women?

What the fuck? Wait, can we address that? This guy's trying to be the new host of Dysentery, asking about that dance per day. He was also in San Diego, right? No, I was on episode 42. 42. What is the answer that you want for me to say to that? Like, yeah.

Jade, I have a question. I wasn't expecting it. I just wanted to say that. So is it mostly women or are there? It's mostly women. You'll get a guy gynecologist. Do you think there's ever been a gynecologist that pulled like a Juana man and pretended to be a woman

so that it can see a lot of vagina? I feel like you sometimes will get a woman who's transitioning. You say they're not men, but yet it's called gynecologist. You have guy at the very first three letters. They should really call it a girl gynecologist. I think a lot of women demand other women. I demand

a female touch. I always wondered that As a woman would you rather have a woman who also has a vagina Respecting yours Versus a guy See these are questions you should ask yourself Before you get up and do a vagina joke Or before Fuck yeah T-Pap good stuff

Take any of that that you want I like to tell the boys But believe in it Take some of that magic that we just gave you and get the fuck out of here right now. Keep half, everybody. Yeah, that is weird because with guys at least, I think

if I get a massage, I'll definitely not want a guy massage. If I have a doctor, I would probably want a girl doctor yeah well I don't want any guy massage you know it's weird but for girls it's backwards it is uncomfortable when you get a hot one you do feel uncomfortable because it's like if it's a little older lady doctor you're like alright she loves a vagina you know and then the younger ones you just want to

be like as far as withinas go, that was mine. I'll let anyone massage me. I just, you know, I don't want to hurt their feelings. Really? Yeah, get on me. I honestly, I prefer. Rub it, rub it. I prefer.

Prove yourself. I say whoever the biggest person is on duty. Oh, you guys. Sometimes it'll be, the best case scenario is you get the big Asian chick. There's always one that's like the fucking clean up hitter. I just want a strong massage. You like really strong? Yeah. Just get the knot out. Yeah, that's it. That's all

I care about. The last thing I need is some hot 75 pound Asian chick walking on my back not doing anything. I'm just like this is fucking annoying. It kind of ruins it when the person's hot. I have to agree. When you were going to like do a service kind of a thing, it's like you don't want to think about getting horny during it and you just i i told this once but

my the last massage i had where a korean girl was walking on my back yeah she took like two steps and just like said you're too tall you're too long i'm tired are you serious yeah she just like took two steps and just like you know, my spine's a little curved. She was sculling? She didn't want to walk uphill. No, just the mattress was low. So she just said, you know, do I have to walk? I just said, maybe you could start at the neck because that's where the knot is.

Don't walk there. That's awesome. Was that followed by a montage of how too tall you are in life just oh knocking into can't believe she quit on you If at first you don't succeed No oil I didn't want oil cuz I figured she just slide keep sliding down fall face forward on your back She asked it Fuck yeah. Earl going for it for a moment there.

Earl, do you have a dick doctor? We're talking about gynecologists. Do you have a dick doctor? Yeah, I got a guy who puts it up there once every year or so. Yeah, what does he do for you? He puts it up there and then... What does that mean?

Is he a doctor or just some guy who comes and fucks you once a year? Tim? Your neighbor. Dr. Tim? Dr. Tim puts it in my mud hut. Okie dokie. You know what's always fun?

After the first ten seconds, it feels like he's making cotton candy. Tony, isn't it easier to listen to this shit when they're in full outfit? You don't have to really... You don't have to look at their face. This is amazing. It gets too personal when I can see your face. It's true. Can you put on the helmet? I is amazing. It gets too personal when I can see your face. It's true. Can you put on the helmet?

I can't. It's too big. The helmet's too big for your big head? I mean, my head's too big for the helmet. Okay. Jesus, because that helmet would have been like a VW Bug. Josh, can we turn that air conditioner off? The vent's right over Earl.

I always feel bad. It's really cold over there. Yeah, he's like chilling. Cold air can't hide this snake. Okay. I pulled another name, everybody. Your next comedian goes by the name of Shragler Jones.

Uh-oh. Is this Shragler? Fuck yeah. Shragler. Shragler Jones Just a Dragler. Dragler. Dragler Jones up the street. Hey guys.

So I'm Australian. And it's great being in Australian LA. I was over at Inglewood earlier. I love the legacy left by other Australians. I was walking up to get a beer at the gas station. Met a lovely guy. He was like, what are you doing here, motherfucker? Jeez, man.

Are you kidding? Whoa. He's got a knife. Just joking. Anyway, I was at Venice Beach as well. I was sitting there next to an old guy. And, yeah, a dog walks over, over lays down starts licking his balls and the old guys like oh I wish I could do that like geez mate anything should pet him first so anyway I'm here with my wife on

honeymoon thanks guys yeah she's really good we go order some fast food and I'm here with my wife on honeymoon. Thanks guys, yeah, yeah. She's really good. We go order some fast food and she's really good at fast food. She always asks as if it's a question. So she'll go ask, can I have a cheeseburger? All right, Shraggler. Is that your real name, Shraggler?

That's my stage name. That's awesome. What's your real name? My parents are assholes. What is it? If Shraggler's your stage name, then I want to know how fucked up this real name is going to be. My real name's Craig.

Bullshit. It's Shraggler. It's fucked. Shraggler. Your real name's Shraggler? Sally. Tell us the truth. My real name's Craig. It's fucked. Shraggler. Your real name's Shraggler? Sally. Tell us the truth. My real name's Craig.

What's wrong with Craig as using your name? I don't know. I just thought it was cool to have a stage name. I'm new to this game. Craig Jones. That's a great name, man.

That's your name. Shraggler? Shraggler. You know, first of all, Shraggler... Interesting, right? It's better in your accent. Shraggler's a lot to live up to.

It is. Shraggler. You should start with Craig until you earn the Shraggler... Interesting, right? It's better in your accent. Shraggler's a lot to live up to. It is. You should start with Craig until you earn the Shraggler. Fair enough. Don't just come right out because... The jokes were shit. They hear Shraggler, they're expecting a lot. But Craig, you can start slow.

And who had the knife? Did you or the guy at the... Sorry, it was supposed to be Crocodile Dundee joke. Right, that's what I thought. And I fucked it up, Major. Well, you know what fucked... I thought you were convincing. You know what? Let me tell you... It was timed to be a Crocodile Dundee joke, and I fucked it up, Major. I thought you were convincing. It was timed in my head.

Let me tell you what fucked up the Crocodile Dundee joke is that he's 20 years old, that movie. I just think it's an Australian reference people might get. But you're not in Australia. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying why you have to find a weapon that's more current. All those crocodile dungy jokes have been done.

Steve Owen? Yeah. It's all done. You guys need somebody new. No, yeah. You're new and Australian and shithouse. I mean, who cares?

There's a million celebrities. They don't have to be Australian just because you are. But you could also talk about you just going to Englewood and how you almost got in a fight. My favorite part of that was listening to you try to do an impression of a black guy for a second.

An Australian black guy. Hey, what the fuck are you doing, mate? It's like, wait, no, I've never heard a black guy say that. I thought it was funny. You're in the wrong neck of the woods, white boy. What are you doing here getting gas? And then you were like, he has a knife. Just kidding.

I've got 99 problems and a knife ain't one. Craig, I think you're funny. You got a twinkle and you just need some material. I guess so, yeah. But once you have it, I think you'll be able to deliver it. I agree. You came out and I instantly like you. I wanted to hear what you're saying.

Now that you're Craig and not that... Yeah, Craig is better. Drop the cheesy name, yeah. Because I spent a minute trying to figure out what a Shraggler was. I thought it was going to be... I didn't know what I thought. What did you think? It sounded too good to be true.

Having a name like shraggler is like you know no it's okay in australia shraggler might be like a john is here but uh really no and it also yeah it's just yeah it's so fun how long have you been doing stand-up this is my first time first time on stage. No better time to lose the Shraggler than right now. It never went anywhere. One set. I was Shraggler

for a minute. Yeah, exactly. This is not my career path. The next time you go on as Craig, talk about how you lost your nickname. Yeah, that's really funny. I used to be Shraggler. No, no more.

You just make it a black guy who takes your nickname. An Inglewood. Be an Australian guy who doesn't call. What's your name? Shraggler. Give me that. And then it's over. I think do jokes that aren't about being Australian. You know what I mean? We hear your accent.

You know? I don't know. Say you're English or something like that. You don't have to say you're anything. You don't have to say you're anything. Just be funny. Now, I noticed next to Twitter. I'm not good at that.

You're going to be. I have high hopes for you. I noticed next to Twitter where people leave their, by the way, TPAP is IDTT.podcast on Twitter. But under your Twitter where people fill that in so that they can have their Twitter promoted, maybe interact with people listening to the podcast, you just wrote the word nope. Nope. Why is that? Maybe that's his Twitter name, atnope.

Is that what it is? I'm not that computer savvy, I guess. I have a Facebook, but not a Twitter. What do you do for work in Australia? Sorry? What do you do for work in Australia? I work on a cattle farm, actually. That's interesting.

I want to know about this. They're little fuckers. Really? That sounds good. They have attitude. The animals. See, that's what you need to talk about. That's so funny, man.

Not about the guy licking balls but you gotta talk about cattle what do you specifically do you drive a tractor that's what I think people do on cattle farms you just picture some

like Earl on a tractor I'm from Australia I I'm from Australia. I work on a cattle farm. A lot of people think we fuck just cattle. But the truth is we don't fuck cattle.

That's really funny. What do you do? Yeah, what do you do specifically? Do you milk them? Do you feed them? No, they're beef cattle. They don't do much. They just eat grass.

Were you ever out there on the planes driving your tractor around and the crocodile hunter came through? You're like, what the fuck, mate? And he's like, what are you doing? And you're like, what are you doing? And you guys just had an Australia off. Let's see which one of us can throw the boomerang more perfectly.

We'll find out the real Shraggler. Shraggler, fucking awesome. Congratulations. Your first time on stage at the world famous comedy store. Is your wife here? Is she here? My wife is here.

Fuck yeah, Mrs. Shraggler. What's up? Fuck yeah. You should be proud of him. Nice work. To finally lose that nickname. Fuck yeah. You should be proud of him. Nice work. To finally lose that nickname. Fuck yeah. Cut to tomorrow, my new name's Shragler.

Shragler. Shragler Fox signs seven picture deal with DreamWorks. About a cattle boy who moved to Eaglewood and fucking licked dog balls. Cattle boy. Cattle boy makes good. Good times. Great all these. Let's do it.

Do you guys remember a joke that you did when you first started? Maybe I asked you guys this before, right? Yeah. I had a Cimarron joke. You did? I did. Yeah. I still tell it sometimes.

I'm not going to lie. What is it? What was it? I talked about how I went to the caribbean with uh my jewish boyfriend and he how he bought the trip on a groupon and i'd go like you're fucking jew and then uh i i talk about how uh i swam with stingrays and how like how dangerous that was because steve rowan he he died from that exact same animal and he used to like fuck snakes for fun and stuff so it was like dangerous that's when I put I would sprinkle it because there's always Australians

upstairs so you always want them to feel a little bit it's an old joke so fuck all of you guys here's a new name put your hands together for Arthur Hernandez yeah how's it going name's Art.

It's a pretty handy name. See it on all the online dating sites. All the women have me listed on things they like. It doesn't reflect the responses, though. So, no, I'm still single. What? I know. You're asking how can this intelligent, handsome, tall, muscular, millionaire astronaut chef be single?

It's because I lie. I lie a lot. No, but that's not the real reason why I'm single. The real reason why I'm single is because I'm bad at relationships. My father's been in prison the majority of my life, so my psychiatrist says it's because I've never seen a real relationship. But that's not true. The longest relationship I've ever seen

has been between my father and his cellmate. I call him Aunt George. Yeah, so it's really good. Having a father in prison is really cool. He's always trying to give you really fatherly advice. I had a bully once, and my dad was like, Dad, I don't know what to do.

And he said, well, just rape the motherfucker. Establish dominance. So, you know, I took that into consideration. All right. Fuck yeah. That's awesome. Your dad's really in jail? Yeah. What did he do?

I don't know. My family doesn't really talk about it, but he's in life. Yeah, that's a good one. Yikes. That's some butt fucking involved. Every time I bring up my father, they're like, oh, he's a good man. He's a good person. That's just how it is.

Wow. You really don't know. That's amazing. No, I really don't. They're like, oh, he's a good man. He's a good person. That's just how it is. Wow. You really don't know. That's amazing. Would you like to know? I've never asked him. I've gone to visit him several times. You've never asked him? It's pretty easy to find out.

Yeah. Google him. Well, I don't know. I don't know. Our friend. I don't know. Does he want to find out, though? You want me to find out right now?

He fucks cattle. Good luck. My father is named after my father. I arthur hernandez so you google us you're gonna find a billion none of them i didn't hear you say art so i didn't understand yeah you said my name is like my name is oh yeah sorry i just i think it's funny to say that your name man so arthur yeah arthur the time has nothing to do with the joke. First of all, people saying like, I just had a minute. Like, then don't tell a joke.

That's not. Yeah, I like it. It is true. Everybody. Yeah. Just tell me crazy. I feel like a minute is a long time. Kind of a long time.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Like forever up here. Can I give you one one piece of advice? Sure. When you are delivering that joke, you start leaning back when you're losing confidence. And then we see you leaning back, and so we lose interest also. So keep leaning in.

Come at us as opposed to sliding back. Does your dad ever call you with his one phone call? Actually, a couple years ago, I was living in northern Nevada and I was in a Target and I got a random phone call from some number and I answered it and it was my father and he got his first cell phone and he asked me, I haven't talked to him in like 10 years at this point, he's asked me if I can sneak him in more.

Isn't every phone in prison a cell phone? You can have that joke. That's my gift. Now go find out who your dad killed You could actually do that as a joke About having to sneak cell phones in your ass To your dad I wish once I could go with nothing in my ass

To be fair I'd have to do it first And just really feel it I don't know what's worth more Seeing my dad or having a clear ass. Start off on the flip phone and then work your way to note three. Like an iPad? Yeah, and that's another joke

right there. Like, why would you sneak into note three? You could have just did a flip phone. That's all he needs. He says he likes soap operas. That's so funny. Your dad goes to prison and your ass gets stretched out yeah play with that I don't know why I felt a little uncomfortable

when you said I guess it's an uncomfortable thing but I guess because there was no joke about it you could turn that blackberry into a brownberry what did he want when he called you in Target? He asked me if I could get him more cell phones. Did you ask him what the fuck he did? No, I was like, who is this? He's like, it's your dad, man.

So how long has he been in? I'm 30 now and he's been in since I was like four. Oh my God. So you can assume it's murder. Maybe, I don't know, man. California laws are really weird. But I think it's funny to talk about. You don't get 25 years for stealing something from Target.

Oh, he got life. They'll just, yeah. Oh, man. I don't know. But I think you can, like, it's kind of a comment on yourself how you don't like to really ask about things. Yeah. Like, it's been 20, you said you were, what?

30. So how old were you when he went in there? Four. So it's been 26 years of him being in there. So for like 26 years you haven't asked. Did your mom remarry? Yeah, like a couple years ago. You should really.

That's the world you need to talk about. Because I'm going to start. Yeah. Kurt's stealing everything tonight. It all gets there eventually. I just try to take a chunk out of it I would be so interested I can't believe you haven't done it It's pretty crazy that we want to know

What your dad did more than you I feel like this is a part of a movie now It's just the way I'm raised My family's just not They don't talk like that They don't talk about stuff A Latin family that doesn't talk about stuff? Someone talked about something if he's in prison.

Someone in your family ratted him out. Someone ratted him out. And now they'll never speak again. It's just always the way it's been. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my third month. Wow, awesome. Are you going to do it for life?

Probably. It's a family tradition, right? We commit to things Oh man I liked your first joke about the lying I thought that was really good There's more to play with it Now we see where it comes from

It's all in my genes Yeah, only three months You have a lot of potential Soon you'll be just like your father And really be killing oh boy Arthur thank you so much keep coming back

funny stuff you guys have the same here's the joke though cut to his dad's in the parking lot waiting and he's just a fucking liar he's just lying the whole time holy shit I think also, hey, stay away from like, I'm single,

shocker, because you know what I mean? I think every comic is single and it's a shocker, you know, kind of thing. Tell them about your dad and then you'll be single for real. Arthur is also at IDTT podcast. Oh, shit.

This guy is a favorite here. Very, very, very funny comic. Put your hands together for Brett Banta. Very funny. Freakishly funny. Hi, my name is Brett Banta. Have you ever met someone that never took the time to learn your

name so they refer to you as, hey buddy, hey chief, hey guy, and hey, chief, hey, guy, and you're like, hey, asshole. I'm originally from Texas, but when I moved to L.A., I realized L.A. is the only city where someone can run towards you covered in blood, screaming for help, and you'll totally ignore them like, oh, they must be shooting something around here.

My twin brother was in the hospital at Cedars-Sinai, so I went there and I said, your kidney stone is really inconvenient. Parking was ridiculous. I love skateboarding. Some people say skateboarding is gay. I think other sports like basketball and football sound gay. Kobe on Wade.

Wade on Kobe. Man on man coverage. Up the middle. Hard to the hole. Good protection. All tied up. Out of bounds. Coughed up the ball. Holding.

Fuck yeah. Don't forget three second violation. Three second violation. Three second violation. Premature ejaculation reference. Oh yeah. Is your dad in prison? Just curious.

You'd have a lot to work with. Are you an Australian farmer? He reminds me of Chuck. Do you remember? Oh, yeah, Chuck Bartell. Yeah. I saw you a couple months ago, and you've made some strides definitely since I saw you.

And I really like that last joke, how you almost went wine shank on us, where you're just like, and what's up with the sports? And then you just went into this ramble rant. And I really like that last joke how you almost went wine shank on us where you're just like, and what's up with the sports? And then you just went into this ramble rant. That was really good. Yeah, it was great. And all those things coming after it were awesome too.

That's funny. I've heard people have their own take on those jokes in a way, sort of, to where how some sports might be gay, but that's definitely a great one you really thought about it and that's awesome and the fact that your voice is one tone the

whole time is soothing yeah totally it never goes up or down which is just like you make us have to listen or we'll fucking not know it lets that great writing shine through this way you're not distracted from it. I like the listing one definitely better

than the Hollywood. Very Hollywood-centric. LA-centric. Do you feel like when you do them outside of LA they feel a little bit different? What do you mean? Because it's a lot of Hollywood references. You know what I mean?

Do you perform only in LA or are you getting out I mean the only place out of LA would be in Huntington Beach so I've never been I've never like done comedy anywhere what's great about you is you can read anything

and you're smart enough to make it funny so get some jokes that aren't within the three mile range. I agree. Was there any that you said that were actually football? Because if you say that you think basketball and football is gay, I think all the references were pretty

much basketball. So you could... Up the middle and read the quarterback's eyes. Oh, I didn't hear the quarterback. Maybe do some MMA. You hear that all the time. Oh, yeah. Rear naked jokes. Yeah. There's actually a move called oil checking.

This is true. It's a wrestling term. During that long list, just throw the word blowjob in there. Yeah, that's brilliant. Brilliant. Blowjob. Yeah, so it's actually something really gay. So it's something that you did that was like you fucked up

and you slipped that in there. I was trying to think of something like Penn State and Sandusky. Too complicated. Yeah, you don't even need it. Just give that list. They start working on the list and then just throw blowjob. Blowjob. And then take a minute like, fuck, did I say it out loud?

Yeah, that's great I'm sure it happened. You know, I'm sure it happens all those sports have showers. Do you know Jim Hamilton? He feels like look him up. I think it would it would be cool to like hear his stuff I just say Greg Louganis also at one point During the list He hit his head on a lot of shit During the list. Yeah, he hit his head on the diving board.

He hit his head on a lot of shit. That'd be his other head. Have you ever had to be performing on stage with anything as crazy as half-naked Earl Skakel right next to you there? No, I think he's the most awesome patriot. Listen to this guy. Yeah. And put the mic stand behind you.

Yeah. Because when it's next to you, it looks like you're doing a duo. That's why. Because you're about the same shape. I noticed that last time I kind of put it in front of you guys. No, it's a crutch. You know what it is. If you rewind the tape, I actually did the microphone seal, but I didn't want to interrupt

the whole thing. That's the sound. Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. That's the sound if you don't put the microphone behind you. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah. I'm still trying to get my, not put my hand in my pocket too,

which is hard. Yeah, I felt like your hand was kind of like stiff next to you. Yeah. It'll relax. It'll eventually just. Yeah, but every once in a while, just change hands. Yeah. Okay.

I like his style. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, me too. I like his style. It's funny. Good job. Good job. I'm working on that also, is changing the hand.

It took me 10 years before I... I move around a lot still, yeah. Just work on it. I have a lot of weird energy that I have to... That's why I do physical stuff, because I can't stand still. I feel like normally I'll be holding a beer, and now I just have to... You can play with the mic.

Not that I love when people hang on the mic and play with the mic. I mean, not that I love when people hang on the mic and play with the mic. Listen, it's just eventually you'll be comfy. You'll find it, yeah. Just believe in yourself. There you go. Thank you. Guy kills every time he's on.

He's on Twitter at BrettJBanta. B-R-E-T-J-B-A-N-T-A BrettJBanta with one T. That's a funny guy. How you guys doing back there? How's Duck Dynasty in the middle of the room? Yeah, literally just beards. You guys are good?

You're not good? It's Bray Wyatt. What are you? Oh, you're down thumbing Duck Dynasty? Yeah. All right, the Wyatt brothers right down the middle. Fuck yeah, Bray and Parker Posey. Oh, yeah, the two guys.

Put your hands together for Jared Campbell. Yeah. Oh, shit. How you guys doing? Shout out Earl looking like the gay go-go dancer here. I hate the club. I'm, to be honest with you. I don't like the club. I don't got a good dark skin for the club.

I got wonderful spotlight dark skin. On the stage, you can be like, ooh, he kind of cute. In the club, I'm just black as fuck. I see people, I'm not black. Hey, what's up? Ooh, shit, you scared the fuck out of me. My bad. I was trying to wear my neon shirt.

That's my bad. You can't get drunk with the right kind of people. I got a friend. I found out he was more of a fan than a friend of mine. I used to play football. We talked to these girls. He's like, do you know who the fuck this is? This is Jared fucking Campbell. Starting safety for the U. 2007, 2011. 90 tackles, four interceptions, three PBUs. He fucked my friend's girlfriend, but he's a nice guy, so I doubt he knew it was his girlfriend. You know what? You bitches don't deserve him.

Let's go, Jared. Hey, man, how you know that? You Googled me, huh, man? Hey, it was only three PBUs, really, but nah, thank you, man. I appreciate that. Let's go tell these hosts. Fuck yeah. 59 seconds.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Were you in the club in that last joke? Yeah, I was with him. Then there's definitely something like there's definitely space for a callback right there when he's like, let's get out of here.

Hey, where'd you go? You know what I mean? Oh man, I'm sorry. I forgot I was here with you. And he gets scared just like the character does. You also have like very aggressive eyebrows so that can add to the whole thing oh god you know like it's a double scare what do you mean

by the just because like you lost me and I get scared they get scared he's so black and then he also has like these thick eyebrows so it's like oh man you're just oh god oh no it's just your eyebrows it's like a double and then he maybe there's a third thing I think we just found no, it's just your eyebrows. It's like a double. And then he, maybe there's a third thing. I think we just found out about Jade's fear of eyebrows.

The thick ones really scare me. On black dudes. Now, do you feel you need to say fuck? Do you feel you like to say fuck? I just feel like it adds to that. It's kind of with a punchline with it, I feel like. But, I mean, you said fuck about, you know, 30 times

in that minute. I didn't notice that. But I'm just, you know, it's something I'm working on also, to not say it so much, but do you realize that you say it a lot? I didn't realize I said it that much. I thought it was something like this. No, it's constant.

So that should be something that, because your joke is funny but it it takes you out of it when when you say fuck so much yeah definitely because you're losing the punch line because you're you're nice and likable and if you came out i think and just slowed it down a little i think you would kill because you have such confidence and you look good but slow that shit down so you don't scare the fuck out of us. I think it's funny to describe. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's just like the way you are right now, I think you could deliver those same jokes and it would be awesome.

Without saying fuck so much. Especially when it's a small little room here. You know, you got to kind of be intimate with the room. Man, I really want to replay this. I didn't notice that he said fuck at all that much. That's so crazy. Maybe it's something you're doing now with yourself that you're. Yeah.

No, I just. You're like, fuck, fuck, give me a massage, man. I didn't notice at all. Give me a massage. I'm just aware of words. Yeah. When. Oh.

In the first one, when you're at the club, you're saying that by the time they see you, you're so close that they get scared? Yeah, it's kind of one of the things I'm dark in the clubs when I try to holler at women. It's the lighting. Right. And then what do you say about the neon shirt? And then it's like, oh, yeah, I'm a bit. I should have worn a neon shirt. You can see me better.

Right. Because I think you could throw something in there. You could also be carrying a flashlight yeah somebody I'm sorry I didn't bring my spotlight guy like some people

have like hype guys you could say that if your skin tone was a Crayola color it would be nightclub interior it would be licorice or think of it

like a nickname almost like a superhero name like oh there's you know like Shraggler yeah Shraggler no but I think it's funny to describe like when your skin is good like i'm good during the day you know everybody's having a brunch or you know what i mean like describe like i don't know what

it would be for you but then to have that juxtaposition of the dark it's i think that's funny and again there's definitely like a callback when the buddy lists all that stuff and goes, you know, Jared. And then he could be like, Jared? And then the same thing that you do on that front end of the thing. He's like, oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were right there.

Well, it's kind of like, I try to do a whole bit on the club and why I don't like it. And I kind of mix that, because that last one's brand new. I just, third time telling it. It works together. The last one is brand new. I just third time telling it. It works together. The first one kind of is something I've been doing a lot.

You think that maybe I should still try to call it back at the end? When to be come on. It's always worth a shot. You can try anything. You got to at least feel free enough to throw it in there. And then also it doesn't always...

And the truth is, what do we know, really? I mean, if you feel like tagging something, tag it. Yeah. I'm sure he's tagged a few things. Fuck yeah. Every time you talk, I can't... It's like I'm horny and disgusted all at the same time. This guy played for the U.

He tagged a lot of times. Yeah, that was, I think, a little too much listening. No, I loved it. I'm horny and disgusted all at the same time. He's like, yeah, that was, I think a little too much listing. I went, no, I got a little weirded out. I loved it. I think I,

I mean, I'm obviously a little bit biased because I love people. I don't mind people talking about what they have done and what they're good at. So I think that, I think that that's great because in the end it's a joke on you. Yeah, it's great. You're funny,

man. So it's like you're hyping yourself up in a self deprecating joke. Yeah. Cause then in the end you're still too dark at the club. That's so funny. Right. But that's all very funny. Every time you're on very funny stuff.

Jared Campbell, everybody. Good job, man. He's on Twitter at Jared. Wait, why? Hey, stuff. Jared Campbell, everybody. Good job, man. He's on Twitter at Jared Quay. Jared, also talk about the advantages of being really black in a club. Where did that guy go?

The shit that you can get away with. You know. He touched bugs. They may not see me. I may not get laid, but I'm going to get a lot of wallets. See how that room left? You can do that. That's my gift.

Just quit saying fuck. I really didn't notice. I really can't wait to listen to this. Because I do it all the time. And I've only recently also noticed it because I've been doing this other podcast called Thunder Pussy where we record our sets. And you can go back.

Listen, the only reason that I'm aware of it is because I listened to some sets from even a month ago and I was saying fuck for no reason. I do it too. So my last four sets on stage, I haven't said fuck once. Wow. Impressive. And it felt so good and jokes are hitting harder and i just feel better

about the fact that you know you got to set up a little challenge for yourself at any level and i'm just i'm just happy because none of my jokes need me to say fuck right but you know what the fuck fuck fuck it fuck it you know like a 15 minute set i minute set, I listened to one and I said it 40 times. Wow. I bet I say it about that much. He said it 20 times in a minute. So don't judge my 40 times in 15 minutes. Fuck.

Exactly. Yeah. All right. Fuck yeah. Who's up? I love it. Here we go. Your next comedian is

Antonio Houston Yeah yeah yeah I'm that nigger I'm that nigger So Me and my cousin He's terrible, me and my cousin, he's terrible, but me and my cousin, we had a threesome. It was me, my cousin, and this hot chick, right? So, I'm banging her.

No. No. No. I'm hitting it. I'm tearing. No. No. No. I'm hitting it. I'm tearing it up. I look in the corner, and this guy's in the corner. He's, hey, hey, hey. What's wrong?

It can't get hard. Dude. What do you want me to do? I don't know. Oh, shit. What do you want me to do? I don't know. Oh, shit. What do you want me to do? I don't know. Play with the tip or something.

Tell her to play with the tip. I'm doing something. God damn it. Fuck. And that was it. I left him alone after that. Wow. Holy shit.

Oh, my God. That's a storyteller there. Holy shit. Oh my God. That's a storyteller there. Fuck yeah. Oh my God. Oh man, I just, I'm glad that... Fuck yeah. Earl loved that. Earl, is that a Malaysian plane in your underwear?

Yeah, your dick is a little harder. He started with the N word, which is a good move. How much of that's true? All of it. Oh, man. Wow. I'm glad that your cell phone holder didn't fall.

It was more of a twosome with a onesome just watching. I don't know what to say with that guy. A hot chick and you don't want to get hard? Maybe it was because his cousin was fucking her. Right, that's exactly it. Was she related also? Was she related?

I don't think so. That might be something you have to ask him. Fuck yeah. It's hard for another guy to get hard when your buddy's ramming her like a jackhammer. Right. I can't even be in the same room. She was saying, harder, harder.

So what do you expect? Well, she was saying harder for his dick to get harder. Yeah, for your cousin. She was like, get him harder, harder. Weird. What a weird thing. How did it, was it a bad dare? How did it come about?

It just happened. It just happened. Things like that just happen. Sometimes in life, things just happen. Me and my cousin, right? We're just hanging out. Shit happens. Naked.

Does he love that joke? Does he love to be reminded of that night? No, not really. Especially when he had an afro and I could just see him in the corner and his afro was moving like this. Maybe it was the fact that he was looking in the corner and not looking at you guys. I don't know. I'm trying to find the scientific angle.

Okay, okay, okay, wait. Right, right, right. We get it. Maybe he was stroking it too hard. You could just say that he was jerking off. Yeah, I feel like it almost takes away from the story when you're violently fucking the chair. It might explain why he wasn't getting his too hard. You could just say that he was jerking off. Yeah, I feel like it almost takes away from the story when you're violently

fucking the chair. It might explain why he wasn't getting his dick hard, the fact that he was trying to rip the top off. Yeah, you're violent. Yeah, and the way

that you fuck that stool, I mean, my goodness. I feel like the stool is not able to walk tomorrow. I'd like to talk to this girl and see if she's okay. Yeah. For some reason,

I feel like in nine months, that stool's going to have a smaller stool. Once you go black. And you and your cousin have to share custody. A little ottoman? Once you go black, you're going to need a wheelchair. A little something you could open up, spend the night. I was expecting the very end for you to do a twist,

like something on the girl's your aunt or something like that. But I don't know. Yeah. I feel like you can't just depend on the sex. I got to tell you, it's a great story, but it's got to get to a punchline. Yeah. Maybe that's actually something there, because you could say that either your mom, basically, right.

It would be something like either your grandma is going to have. Well, the joke is, I mean, it's depending on which one of you. The joke simply is, you know, she kept yelling harder, harder, and he kept saying, I'm trying, I'm trying. That's funny. Trying, Mom. I'm trying, Mom. I'm trying.

Like she's saying harder, harder, and he's like, I'm trying. You know how cousins fight, and then it's like your other cousin. Listen, if I can't make that joke funny, it's doomed. Oh, I see. I just figured it out. It's either if he ended up fucking her by the end of it all, it's either you're going to, if she gets pregnant, either you're going to be a father or a brand new uncle.

That's really funny. That's really funny. It's a little bit too smart for this room right now, but it would work in real life. I just think avoid. We're making that threesome joke too small. Yeah, avoid the humping of the stool. I just think avoid it.

Avoid it. I know. When I brought up the stool, she was like, oh, my God. No, he's not. No, it wasn't like that. I know when I brought up the stool, she was like, oh, my God. No, he's not. No, it wasn't like that. I mean, I fuck the air all the time. That's all I got for as a comic, really. But I just think they're like, like really aggressive.

Like, I don't know. Yeah, for a second. When I first saw you, I thought that you might be the first comedian wearing only sweats that didn't fuck the stool. But then you fulfilled the prophecy. Just full sweats. And then like out cell phone carrier in the on the sweats Yes Is it a city eventually get hard is he doing okay? He's doing okay now Yeah

Have you guys fucked girls since? Or is it like, never again? Oh, no. He's done with that? You're fucking girls with guys who can't get hard? Is he gay? Is he possibly gay? I don't know.

I never sat down and asked him. These are things you might have to ask. Had you guys been drinking some Bacardi? No. I was like... Have you seen the girls since? Have you seen the girls since? I'm sorry. Have you seen the girls since? been drinking some Bacardi? No. I was like totally not into it. Have you seen the girl since? I'm sorry. Have you seen the girl since?

Oh yeah. I've seen her. Are you dating her? I live with her. It's my mom. I think it has to be a family thing. How did you meet this girl? You met her with your cousin? Craigslist. Family reunion? Bar mitzvah. Craigslist. Did she come with the couch?

Casually. Me and my cousin are looking for a third. Oh my God, who was the girl? I was like, this guy and his cousin want to fuck me. It counts as a threesome, but you only have to fuck one person. I like how she busts out her nanny on me real fast.

This guy, this guy, this guy. Fuck yeah, Antonio. Hell yeah. Antonio, I like how she busts out Shanaynay on me real fast. This guy is great. Fuck yeah, Antonio. Hell yeah. Antonio, I like your passion. Absolutely. Thank you. Keep rocking the sweatsuits. Keep having fun.

We'll see you soon, Antonio Houston. Keep taking chances. That's funny stuff you're doing. Yeah, those threesomes, those are chances. Yeah. Yeah. He couldn't get hard because he had a condom on.

I didn't. What's your feeling about condoms? I don't, I hate them. Oh boy. I hate them. I can't catch a haze.

That'll be a good story for your kids. I know. I haven't had any, but I'm probably working on it. That threesome might turn into a great story. Antonio Houston, everyone.

There he goes. Thank you. Any relation to Whitney? That's an episode of the test. That's an episode of the test in the making. Oh, absolutely. Antonio Houston, we have a problem. Spirit tag 777 is him on Twitter.

Spirit tag? SpiritTag SpiritTag 1T SpiritTag This guy is going to be amazing, him and his cousin are like really spiritual Yeah man most families only fucking Maybe she kept saying softer, softer

I am I am, I'm trying. Some of these jokes are just for me. I like that one. All right. Let's move on to our final portion of the show where our two regulars go on. Always exciting. Always a brand new minute from these lovely young comedians.

Put your hands together for your first one tonight. She is a regular on both Kill Tony and Dysentery. Very funny, always goofy, and relentlessly new material. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Tell her when I'm down for a jack move. Here's a murder out to keep you dancing. Dinner with the Weinshanks is always fun. Tuesdays with turkey meatloaf night.

I don't know if you've had regular meatloaf, but that's not great. Thank you. Turkey meatloaf is way worse than just regular meatloaf. It's the color of terracotta. It's the color of a Spanish roof. The whole family got food poisoning when my mom tried out turkey meatloaf.

But Fridays were the best, guys, because that was fend for yourself night. I'd say, Mom, what's for dinner? She'd say, Hey, it's fend for yourself night. I don't know. It's fend for yourself night. That's a tradition that I hope to pass on. Fend for yourself night included me eating waffles, which was awesome.

Now, as an adult, every fucking night is fend for myself night, and it's not great. But then, it was awesome. Anyways. Anyways. But then it was awesome. Anyways. Huh.

There's something there, but you got to it basically after a minute, like right as it was all ending. Can I tell you something where that can lead to? It leads to a fend for your life night. Yeah. Right. That your mom was instilling that she would never be there for you yeah figure

it out fend for your life yeah i like your rhythm it kind of feels like i'm reading like a lesbian autobiography monologue show like in book form it was friday it was friday at 226 you know like you kind of have this storytelling rhythm to it. Right. I don't know what you could do with that, but doesn't it feel like that? I haven't read a lot of lesbian autobiographies. Oh, I guess you didn't go to Emerson. But it would sound like me.

You didn't read Fortune's book? Fortune's theme story. That's definitely a great setup. I would just get to all that quicker. All that stuff is setting up the joke. And I'd raise the stakes on how much fun you had. I mean, waffles is good, but with as much syrup as you want, you could really go bigger with it.

Or maybe the waffles frozen. My mom used to do the same thing to me, and I used to just eat American cheese slices and cans of Pepsi. This is so sad. Cold hot dogs with the cheese in it. My mom folds my thongs still when I come over. Jesus, what a weird. It's exactly how I picture a Brazilian household, by the way.

Just a mom constantly folding thongs. Was it once a week? Yeah, it was once a week. Well, a week? Yeah, it was once a week. Well, at a certain age, it became once a week. She was just like, fucking done. I think that's something that everybody can connect with.

And then tie it in later where she asks you a favor and you just be like, and finally you got to fend for yourself. Yeah, I wanted to do something more personal because I've just been talking about arbitrary things. No, that's great. I can't wait until she's old and I can tell her to fend for herself. She needs that pudding and I'm like, fend for yourself.

Pull the plug. Pull it yourself, motherfucker. It's actually really amazing. What you just said was that you're trying to write more personal things because you write things that people know about that are big and you found something immediately and one of the actually the first personal things i've ever heard you talk about that naturally connects with everyone in a way and i also haven't heard that premise either where it's like oh fend for yourself night with the but i think

i couldn't you had that too right and you probably had that once in a while they're just like hey let it rip. You know what I mean? You want to eat fucking potato chips all night? Yeah. Kind of like, don't tell mom the babysitter is dead, but all the time. Do what you want to do.

But it's great because it sets up that, you know. There's so much there. Payback. Yeah. Sarah, will you cook something for, no. Fend for yourself. Fend for yourself. You had your chance. Remember that night? You'd make your gross Yeah. I just like it. Sarah, will you cook something for, no. Fend for yourself. Fend for yourself. You had your chance.

Remember that night? You'd make your gross food and she'd want it. I'm still afraid of waffles. Yeah. Yeah, she like asked me what I'm cooking. Yeah, and she's like, wait, what's that? You're like, mom, fend for yourself. None of your business.

Yeah. But why was it fend for yourself? What are you cooking? Not turkey meatloaf. Because she was going to book club. Oh, that's really funny. Like, what is she doing at book club? She's getting tipsy on some rosé.

Yeah, yeah. My dad calls it wine club. Yeah, wine club. And now every time I drink, it's fend for yourself night, which is every night. So that leads to that. But that's why you tie it in. It's like, why do I have to cook for myself? You know, because I'm going to book club, wine club.

Okay. Very fun. Just tie all that in there. You did it again, Sarah Weinshank. She's on Twitter at PrincessShank. S-H-E-N-K. Always fun. I like how she has a cape on.

Fuck yeah. I like the pants. She would say the same thing if you were wearing pants. Wine cover up. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, God, Earl. All right. And your final comedian of the night,

the other regular, dropped out of college with just a few months to go from the University of Florida because she began her career as a comedian right here on Kill Tony. She's with you again. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Here she is. Wow.

What's up, guys? So I'm going through something kind of weird right now. My mom is 45, and she's newly separated. So she's dating again, and she's decided that she's wanting to date guys my age, which is kind of weird because I started dating a guy her age. And I think it's going to make for a pretty interesting Thanksgiving. I'm just like, what are you going to do? Is your boyfriend going to sit at the kids' table with me, Mom?

And then we're going to go over and listen to war stories from my boyfriend. I feel like her guy is just me getting out of diapers and mine is going to be going into them. I don't know. It's a lot of pressure. And then she's doing this whole thing where she keeps telling me she wants me to have kids. She keeps telling me to give her a grandson.

And I'm like, why? So you can date him? I don't. Like what do you want from a 23-year-old anyways? Like, is it like a thrilled always be on E with the gas tank or something? Like. There you go. Fuck yeah.

That was funny. What do you want to date him? I had like a gut roll. Like, ha ha. Ha ha ha. Yeah, the grandson thing. I'd move up and get it closer to that setup of she's dating guys your age and that and that the war thing i i don't believe that he's that old

yeah i don't i don't think what is he invested in like his investments something that what you but i think i what i where i thought you were gonna go is they would watch something on tv together like reruns of friends like somethinguns of Friends. She's dating your friends and you're dating her friends. She's telling you about the weird new drugs. Hippie dipping. Realistically

it just bothers me that my mom's having sex that a 23 year old is having. I feel like she should be having 45 year old sex, not like 23 year old is having like the same right your mom's getting she should be having pounded 45 year old sex not like 23 year olds oh yeah you know she's living for the first time in a long time yeah yeah thank you it's such a weird emotion i i should create a word for it just move weird yeah no that's that's great but it's really funny. It's naturally a great premise because it's blatantly real.

It feels true. What's the guy's name? Yeah, what are the two names? The guy she's dating? Yeah. I don't know his name. It's like a big thing. Every time she calls me and tries to talk about it,

I'm like, I don't want to fucking hear it. I don't want to hear it. I was like, if he's over 30, we can talk. Maybe her boyfriend just got her on Facebook or on Twitter or something like that. Maybe she doesn't want you to know because it's somebody you know. No, it's definitely not somebody I know.

But it'd be funny if he's getting her into things. Like new drugs and social media. My mom's going on hikes. You run into her at Coachella. She's getting into things I can't get into. It's so fucking unfair. She's going to Burning Man next week. In the rave tent.

Mom? And then your boyfriend is like, you got to go to bed. Like he starts being your mom. Mom, put those fucking glow sticks down right now. No, that's fine. No, your boyfriend is yelling at your mom. Because he's the older right now. No, that's fine. No, your boyfriend is yelling at your mom because he's the older guy now. The dynamic is all fucked.

Kimberly, you did it again. Another great set. There she goes. Kimberly Conklin, everybody. You guys both had mom stories. Fun, right? Fun. So fun. We did it again. Earl, what's going on? What do you got coming up? Still not on my podcast. Inappropriate Earl.

Inappropriate Earl, that's available on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter at Earl Skakel. Very, very funny. Thank you for having me. Yeah, so funny. Put your hands together for Earl Skakel, everybody. Earl, where's the bathroom? Kirk Fox, Jade Catapretta

at Kirk Fox on Twitter. What else? What else what? What are you up to? Just a lot of new episodes of The Test. Yeah. 50 new episodes begin Thursday. Wow.

ABC. No, but that's nice that you just know that. CBS. Close enough. KTLA 5 in LA. Or check your local listings. Go to thetestv.com and watch me save lives.

Tomorrow I'll be at Irvine Comedy Juice and then April 2nd watch out for me on Worst Thing I Ever Wore on E! and then April 13th Californication starts. Fuck yeah! That is so awesome. Yeah. This is fun. Are you nude in California?

Am I what? Are you nude in that am I what are you nude in that show no not nude at all 18th 19th 20th we are in Portland Seattle Vancouver and 25th and 26th me and Dave Attell at the Bray Improv listen to podcasts too

and thanks again for Rita Lux check out her store at RitaLux. Yes. Yes. Listen to Jade's The Podcast and Kirk Fox's The Snuffcast coming soon. If you want to get killed. If you want to get on it. If you want to get killed, Paul. Thank you very much, live audience. Thank you, guys. Have a good night.

... ...... creature's daughter and she's only 14 and a hoe but the bitch sucks dick like a specialized bro she looked at me i was surprised but wasn't passing up the chance of my dick getting baptized i told the bitch to do it quick you little hoe hurry up and suck my dick what do you want me to do with it? No matter, just don't bite. Just swallow it. Yeah. Now I'ma break it down with a fact.

Since the last, just don't bite it. Girls don't know how to act. Saying that they never would suck a dick. But when they tried it, they couldn't quit. Cause 90% of the bitches today, they love that shit. And those are the main ones that say they don't do it. But MC Red knows the bitches are used to it. So fellas, next time they try to tell a lie. That they never suck a dick. Outro Music