KILL TONY - KILL TONY #451 – QUARANTINED #6

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/22/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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all starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled

every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to tonyhingecliff.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe and he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to tonyhingchcliffe.com that's the official website of tony henchcliffe and he has tour dates and he has some merch there go to tonyhenchcliffe.com ryan j ebelt he is the house

artist he draws every episode he drew the book he has some posters and he has a huge sale going on right now so go to ryanjebelt.com and last but not least shop squad.tv that's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. I can't hear my, uh... Hey, this is Red Band and I can't hear anything.

This is Kill Tony and that's Tony Hedgecliff. Hey, I can hear everything just fine. It sounds beautiful in here. The music's playing from your board? Is that how it works? It might have been. Welcome, everyone. How exciting is this?

Brian Redband's here, and we're still balls deep in quarantine. Yes. How's life going? It's going slow. I definitely, this week or last week, definitely had my first time where I thought it was a different day, completely, the whole day. Wow.

Have you had that yet? No. No, I always have something, some deadline or some dumb project that I want to do by a certain day, so I keep it. But a lot of people are stuck at home. I'm sure everyone that's watching, because we are under lockdown, is stuck at home.

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should too. I got the hookup for you to do the smart thing. Go to mybookie.ag and they'll double your first deposit. That's double. You can double your money. So even if you lose half, you can leave with half or something like that use the promo code kill tony to activate the offer that's promo code kill tony at my bookie.ag you spin you win you get paid hey there it is very loud now there we are this is an episode of goldilocks with the sound here this evening uh very fun and uh so yeah there's dates that are being scheduled for Kill Tony and myself headlining. Those are changing and evolving rapidly. There are some for, but we really will announce more next week.

Just know that as of now, Kill Tony Mania and the road to Kill Tony Mania in Sacramento and San Francisco at the end of October, that's going to be obviously a huge party. Miami, Bakersfield, Tacoma, Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City and Houston as well are in the perhaps if things open up. Let's be honest. Miami is definitely going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm going to make a point to enjoy a fun weekend in Miami if it happens. I don't know. I don't know. Who knows anything? Exciting times. We're glad to be here at Better Box Studios. Get a candle at damngoodco.com

and buy a candle. Tag Kill Tony Show on Instagram and we'll repost you. Plus, they're just great candles, so why not get a candle tag kill tony show on instagram and uh we'll repost you plus they're just great candles so why not get a candle and enjoy yourself during this time you know my power went out the other day for just a moment and had to light some candles you know so much electricity is being used from the people at home and let me tell you something when the power goes out that's a big deal you can feel it it's not fun it kind of freaks you out yeah because the wi-fi goes out too and the oven's out the stove's out if you uh live in you know modern times

and a lot of you have a product perhaps a wood burning stove or something like that anyway they have a candle it's fun to light when um things go out speaking of of which, it's 420. Oh, yeah. It's Mother's birthday. We're all lit like candles here this evening. Shout out to Gage and Anthony in the booth. He's Gage underscore Tyrena on things. Nope, just Gage Tyrena. All one word. T-I-J-E-R-N-A.

I-N-A. Fuck yeah. And at StrangeTaste underscore. And at strange taste underscore. I got it this week. You know, 420 is also Duncan Trussell's birthday. And if I could just say real quick, Duncan's new Netflix special came out today. It's from the creator of Adventure Time.

Comes out at midnight, right? It came out today at midnight. It was already out. Wow. And it's created by the same guy that did Adventure Time, which is one of my favorite cartoons. It's Duncan Trussell and his crazy head mixed in with that show check it out it's called the midnight gospel on netflix i'm sure there's going to be a lot of laughs there and uh we love

duncan and are hoping to uh be able to all get back together again soon but we have a bunch of fun characters on this show you guys know them Every single week, they commit to being different characters on the show throughout the episode. We never know what they're going to be. Let's all find out what they are this week together. I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and the Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson.

Everyone, here we go. Find out what they are. Uh-oh. I hear music. Here comes the band. Whoa! Wow. I love this. We've definitely seen... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Heck yeah. Oh, man. This is great. All right. So we got Fred Durst. and are you guys all Fred Durst, or are we just douchebags? I can't remember how this goes. Dude, you were one of us one time. Douchebags.

Oh, that's right. Douchebags. I was once a douchebag during the episode of Kill Jeremiah. Is this the first time back for the douchebags since then? I think so. No, we were here during Jesse May Peluso. Jesse May Peluso, dude. Episode 340, dude.

What's up? I'm Tad, dude. Hi, Tad. Nice to meet you. Glad you're here. It's been a long time, Tad. You know, I took over for you. I filled in an episode while your friend Jeremiah hosted one time.

Dude, I heard. How was it? It was one of our roughest episodes ever. Didn't really have a leader to keep the whole thing on track dude i don't know about that baby driver oh i love it and and now this is your first time on the show right yeah what's your name my name is ice because i'm always hard dude his dick is fat, dude. Dude. Is that true?

And what's your name? Connor, dude. Hi, Connor. What do you do for work? Oh, you know, fuck, drink, smoke weed. Happy 420, dude. Pussy. Have you guys been celebrating 420 at all?

Fuck yeah, dude. How about you, Tad? You don't seem stoned at all. Huh? Dude. He's an edible guy. All right, just answer for me. Wow. So there you go.

We're here with the douchebags and Red Band. So quadruple douchebags. Hey, come on. I bet I can gleek better than these douchebags. Can you gleek? Dude, do it right now.

Can you gleek? Right on the mic? No, no, no. Like, out there. No, no, no. We have a bunch of douchebags and a bunch of people. You know, it's not quite the performance shakeup with beating hearts as it is on the road or at the world famous comedy store. more of like a writer's at-home showcase, I'd say, this version of Quarantine Kill Tony, where we still get sent in sets from all around the world,

and then we interview the person. Let's see what happens. Joker Tony tried to kill one of the douchebags. Sit it down. It's okay. What are you, though? Look at this. Connor, the art director over here. Connor's never seen art before, man.

I am art, dude. All right. You seen a fart before? Oh, my God. So let's just get this party started. Let's get a minute long. What would be a set on stage, perhaps. A lot of these people just would never do stand-up.

Some of them have done stand-up. Some of them are professional comedians that have been on the quarantine episodes. Of years of experience. But a lot of people, we don't know what's going to happen. That's the point. The producers hand-select clips and communicate with the people. So we don't know what's going to happen here today. So let's find out what our first comedian is like.

Here's a minute of attempted what could be stand-up comedy from a guy named Sturm Wurm. Sturm Wurm. Here we go. Here we go. Sturm Wurm. I was like, fuck that. I'm not quarantining. And I thought about it and had to ask,

what's it even mean to quarantine? She looked at me all concerned and said, it's when you isolate yourself from other people. Wait, what? There's a name for that? I finally found something I'm good at. I'm about to be the LeBron James and this shit dunking on motherfuckers. Serve at the, well, I guess I was a server.

Now I sit around all day, jerking off, smoking trees, waiting for the state to send me these checks. But I knew it was time for the government to shut down restaurants. When I tried to take a drink order, the guest goes, I'll take a coronavirus. Minus the virus. I had to just stand there and laugh. It's in the job description. That was when I realized I'm not living my best life. Sturm, Herm, trip of a lifetime Let's fucking go What's good, yo? I swear I moved out to L.A. in January Just for Kill Tony

Quarantining in my studio in Hancock Park right now Once this is done, I'll be back at Stewart On a Monday night, name in the bucket Waiting on my moment, let's get it I love it What's up, Sturmworm? Welcome to the show. What's good?

How you doing? We love you, Sturmworm. I love you. We love you, dude. You're freaking great. What's good? The douchebags are... I don't know if they're fucking me or not, but I think they're fucking me.

I love it. The douchebags love you, Sturmworm. So that's true. You really moved out to L.A. in January? Moved out to L.A. in January just for Kilo Tony. Also, I'm a rapper. I just want to get right into it right now, if you don't mind. You're a what? A rapper.

Oh, Jesus. You want to just jump right into it? We barely know anything about you. Like at Macy's? If there's one thing I know about you, you don't want no vegetables, you don't want a parsley sprig on a plate you want two things meat and potatoes god damn you really are meat and potatoes indeed let's get let's uh let's wait a second for the wrap where'd you move from uh i'm from jersey i was living in florida before i moved out here jersey and florida two of the most populated coronavirus places. That's the best ingredients for that. Those are the two biggest outbreaks in the entire country are there.

Were you the originator of the coronavirus? No, I thought I was going to get it when I came out here because of all the Asians out here, but we're good. It's confirmed. He's actually from Jersey. Thanks, everybody in California has AIDS. Congratulations and welcome. What's up with the scar on your forehead?

I got to ask about that. What happened there? Are you a former pro wrestler? Is that just... Dude, those are... I didn't know. Is it that you're talking about? No, no, down there.

No, now you have your eyebrows up. Okay, that's what it is. It's just the crinkling of your eyebrows. He's got that Luke Perry shit. It's bad lighting, bro. You got a contour. You do. You have a contour.

Even the douchebags know what's up, but it's okay. I love it. So you moved out in January. Did you ever make it to the Comedy Store at any point in January? Oh, yeah. I come to the Comedy Store every single week. Oh, okay. Name it a bundle.

Okay. Yeah, I was wondering why no one was there for a while. Do you live by yourself? Yeah, yeah. Studio. Hancock Park. Wow. How do you afford that?

Hancock Park's a very nice place. A studio's tough in L.A. on your own unless you're making money. How are you making money? I'm blessed. I work at Cheesecake Factory. I serve tables. So I was able to just transfer out here and then just basically not do that stuff. You're getting the douchebags on your side more and more. These guys love

Cheesecake Factory. Dude, I love Cheesecake Factory. I ask for gift cards every Christmas, dude. What do you guys like to order when you go to the Cheesecake Factory? The Cheesecake. How about you, Connor? I'll just have one of everything, dude. They got it all, dude.

I heard Cheesecake Factory is about to go bankrupt. They can't afford rent right now. It's all just headlines. You know how they do it. They're just choosing not to pay i don't know that's cheesecake factory fake news bro you're gonna stay open forever bro that's true i love it you got their back you're a loyal uh loyal to the fucking uh soil i fuck the cheesecake i love that how long have you worked with the cheesecake i love? I love this guy, dude.

I've worked with him for nine years. Wow. Lucky number nine. Speaking of nine, it's Hitler's birthday, dude. Hey, look at that. My God. Cheesecake Factory. You have that whole menu memorized, huh? Yes, sir.

I've eaten everything. I feel like there's no one's eating more cheesecake factory food than me in the last nine years that's a beautiful painting by the way next to your fireball behind you is that you did you paint that yeah not yeah i paint i rap i do everything i tried to get through the uh cheesecake factory menu but i only made it to the second chapter dude what's your love what's your love life been like do you get laid any of your jersey Cheesecake Factory menu, but I only made it to the second chapter, dude. What's your love life been like? Do you get laid? Any of your Jersey trickery?

Work on any ladies here in LA? Nah, just... Do you get pussies? That's what he's trying to say, bro! Jesus, alright. Tad, relax. And then let's talk about obviously the liquor bottles, which seem to be a prominent. Change your mind. And then let's talk about, obviously, the liquor bottles, which seem to be a prominent part of your household.

Have you been drinking a lot? A lot of Baileys? Nah. I don't have to tell you what I've been drinking. I smoke all day, so I can smoke all day. I love that. Happy 420 to you. Are you talking brisket or, like, ribs?

I think he's talking about there connor oh cool i fucking smoked that too dude peace man you smoke brisket yeah dude roll it up how do you do it that's my favorite stream bro tell us tell the kill tony listeners how to smoke brisket if you know how to do it yeah you want to get it you put in your grinder dude make it real fine throw it into some fucking parchment paper, dude. You light it up with that Elon Musk fucking flamethrower, dude. Okay, I want to hear this guy rap. Let's hear a little rap

from Sturmworm, everyone. Here we go. Whenever you're ready, Sturm. I don't know how long you're going to let me go for. I'm hoping to do five minutes. About like 30 seconds. Do like 30 seconds, and if it's great, I'll wave you on and tell you to keep going. All right, cool.

Here he is, everybody. Sturmworm, everyone. When I start feeling like everything was worthless, where else to turn if you have the faith in churches? Sometimes I wonder whether the stress of life is worth it. I want to be more normal. Why would I deserve it? Poor communication skills on the surface that's why i take man pride in my verses it's the best outlet i could find as a person

but the stage reveals what's behind the curtain i paid cookies almost every penny earned from working my fear is living i don't care if death is lurking neglecting emotions these guys hate Reflecting emotions, Miss Godspeed. I speak up like this. Hold on a second. Hold on a second, Sturm. Hold on. Dad, was that you? Yo, dude, I just farted during your rap, bro.

I'm sorry. I'm freaking sorry, dude. You got fired. I was into it. I was into it, Sturmworm. Cool. I couldn't see you, Tony, so I didn't know if you said to keep going or stop. I just kept going.

No, that was great. That was great. You did a great job. How long have you been rapping for? Right around when you started doing comedy, a little after. 2008, I started rapping. Uh-huh. I love that.

So you're here in at the Cheesecake Factory, and you're like, you know what? I could become a rapper. No, no. Like two years before, three years before Cheesecake Factory and you're like, you know what? I could become a rapper. No, no. Like two years before, three years before Cheesecake Factory. 2008, that's like 12 years. I've been at Cheesecake for like nine. BC, before Cheesecake, dude. BC, yeah.

It was when I was at Rutgers. I caught the vision. One day I was just smoking man trees in my house and I was just fucking doing nothing Brian Okay that's enough Was that your mind? The sound of farts keep coming in

Did you say you were at Rikers? No he didn't say he was at Rikers Fort Rikerd Island I mean it'd be better for my rapping if I was at Rikers Sturmworm is that your rap name? Or your birth name dude Were you born Sturmworm, is that your rap name? Or your birth name, dude. Were you born Sturmworm, dude? Mrs. Worm, what do you want to call your son?

Sturm. So what have you been doing to stay sane during the quarantine? Any advice for us, Sturmworm? Chilling. Like, I'm loving this. I'm fucking just taking naps, smoking, jerking off. Is Cheesecake Factory still paying you guys? No, but there's stupid

petitions. I'm so pro-cheesecake. The government is taking care of us. They haven't taken care of it yet. I'm sure I haven't got a dollar, but we're getting state unemployment plus $600 a week from the federal government if you're on unemployment.

So we're making as much now as we're working. We are not the biggest. Like, yo, I feel what they're going to do. The way they're making money is shut down for a fucking year now. Who knows? Like, who knows? It sucks, man. We definitely can't make it.

You're right. You're absolutely right. Everything has shut down. It is pretty tough. And I just know that the only thing getting me through it is going to mybookie.ag where they double your first deposit. And if you use the promo code KILLTONY,

you spin, you win, you get paid. It's the... Oh, my God. Jeremiah. You can bet on weather. That's the same water you drink out of. Go to my bookie, dude. Oh my god.

Dude, you could bet if he farts every episode. Yeah, you could bet the over-under for Jeremiah's farts. This is huge. Those are actual farts coming out of his butthole in an enclosed room. We are all measured out to be exactly six feet apart. I'm six feet away by choice.

Dude, that was gnarly. I'm freaking right behind you, dude. All right. Sturmworm, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? Nah, just wait. I'm excited for hoping the store opens back up soon so we could do this again i love it definitely will do you'll be a lot of fun the audience will really you know rapping and things like that and comedy obviously translate much better in front of a live audience

so i can't wait to have you on back home at the comedy store when stuff's back up make sure you sign up and hang out oh for sure that's what i'm here for there he goes sternworm everybody place the music for sternworm s-t-e-r-m-w-o-r-m sternworm cheesecake factory we're in it now j Jeremiah's butt is at Cheesecake Factory. That's one of the few jobs that actually I got hired, and then they gave me the menu. I had no idea. I'd never been to the Cheesecake Factory before,

and I quit the second day. I was like, no way I'm learning that menu. That menu is really like 100 pages long. Yeah. I don't know if it's 100 pages. It's pretty big. It's pretty big. There's advertisements in between it.

It's a factory, man. The crazy part is a lot of people that eat there don't know how to read. So you'd think their menu would be smaller and just with pictures. Hear that? That's the sound of waves crashing on a beach. And that? That's the sound of ice clinking in your favorite drink. The secret to making your retirement dreams come true

is simple. Lower your investment fees. If your retirement savings are in high fee mutual funds, you could be losing a lot of your money to those fees. With Quest Wealth Portfolios, your investments are managed for you at a fraction of the cost so you can earn more and make your retirement dreams come true. Get started today at Questrade.com. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Josh Basile, everyone. Here's Josh Basile. Here it is, Josh Basile. Here it is, Josh Basile. The cycle Seattle and I'm autistic.

I just haven't been diagnosed. Yeah, I mean, I hate my grandma. She's a satanic bitch from hell. I hope she gets COVID-19 and dies. To be honest, I want to rip her dance on her grave. She's terrible. She pinned her own kids against each other. In fact, she raped all her children, and her children raped all their children,

and their children raped their children. The cycle goes on. But thank God, my parents, my mom and dad, are not satanic pedophiles like my cousins. They, unfortunately, can't say that because their dad raped them both and took their virginity. Snatched you, as he's like to call, snatched both of his sons, like I said, private parts and their futures. So what can I say? The guy called me a schizophrenic and he also said that I'm a loser. Hey, guess what? You lost to Jay Inslee in the Washington state governor race. You dropped out of high school You spent all your money on the race and you lost your campaign

Not only that is your son is gay and you don't even know that he sucks more dick than the then Aunt Floozy his mom the aunt floozy she sucks What is going on here? What's up, guys? Wow, Josh Basile, welcome to the show, my man. Hey, what's up, Tony? What's up, Brian? What's up, Tony? How's it going? Hello. I'm good. How are you guys?

Good to have you. That was a hell of a performance there. That was really just airing out some of the family's dirty laundry it seemed yo it's the the sewage man i got out of like i said i got out of the demon demon x family brother so i don't i read it let it rip let it rip what kind of family was it what's the ethnicity there uh so actually i'm my parents and grandparents are from egypt and uh they got that hot blood you know that hot blood from from the south dude is that them behind you oh come on those the clowns yeah those clowns that's this is right here the one with missing teeth you see this one missing teeth that's aunt floozy right there she got no teeth wow that is that true that your aunt

floozy doesn't have teeth? I mean, she got fake tits and fake kids and fake everything else. So I'm sure she got fake teeth too. Dude, can I have her number, dude? Yeah, bro. It's 425- No, no, no, no, no, no. So they're all in Egypt or where were you born? Say it again, dude.

I'm from Seattle originally. I was born in Seattle. My parents, my mom and dad, they are from Egypt, but my mom moved to Seattle when she was about seven, I think. And then she grew up in Seattle. My dad came over. They were actually arranged marriage from her satanic mom, you know, so she forced her to marry my dad. But luckily, my dad is a great guy and I love him. So how old are you? Thirty two. Thirty two. What do you do for work? I'm an actor. I'm part of the union and that's I do acting and hopefully I'm trying to do more comedy as well. Stand up. No, no, not that kind of acting, Brian. Yeah. Come on. Not the porn hub sag screen actors guild dude

come on man that's incredible can we find any of your work anywhere you in the like a background of ozark or something like that or i i was on a show called love at first kiss on tlc it's like a reality show and then i have uh something on. I just released 420 today is you have a clip of that Let's roll it yeah small small clip this is exciting see what it looks like There you go, that's enough what ends up happening You know you have you ever seen a reality show? Yeah, I've seen reality shows. Dude, I've never seen reality in my life, dude. Alright, so these producers, dude, I don't even care, bro.

They are just scam artists, bro. They tell you you're going to do this and that. They don't even pay you. They told me I'm going to be getting hitched to this girl I just met. Dude, how am I going to get hitched to some bitch I don't even pay you what like they told me i'm going to be getting hitched to this girl i just met dude how am i gonna get hitched to some bitch i don't even know brother don't even make sense dude so why'd you agree to it so they i mean i should have i should have not listen i should have not uh i should have asked for a pay bump or something to do i didn't know i'd have to get in fake engaged you know i just i just thought i'd go on the show that's it I'd have to get fake engaged.

I just thought I'd go on the show. That's it. I'm being informed by one of the producers here that you are a popular meme online. Do you know about this? Yeah, you know the Drake meme? Drake and Rihanna. Drake is hugging Rihanna, and he's basically,

I'm going to fuck you in the DMs, and then in person, I'm giving her a hug like this. That's the DM, bro. Like it's going down in the DMs. Can we see that picture? I want to see the meme, dude. I want to see the meme.

Oh, my God. You got that Simpsons beard right there, dude. Hey, look. Got that mama. Hey, look. Got that mamba. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know Kramer? This is my Kramer jacket.

I bought it from the thrift store, dude. No, I love it. I love it. You've gotten really good at changing the subject. I got you all a gift for 420. I got you a gift, Tony and Brian and Jeremiah and Joel. I'm trying to look at all of you. It's kind of small screen. What's the gift? I got you a gift Tony and Brian and Jeremiah and and Joel I'm trying to look at all you it's kind of small screen and just the gift I got you each a gift today ready that's his dick right here I got it for you

happy 420 guys Merry Christmas don't kill yourself that's a brownie for you I got a little cart well here. The brownies with Jay. I got some brownies for you. I got a little cart. One of those hush puppy carts. Like one gram. And then I got you some Elion. So when I see you, it's all yours, guys. Thanks a lot.

But we also have Speedweed, so we don't really need any of that. Hopefully you use Speedweed for all your delivery services. Are you in L.A.? I live in L.A., Koreatown. K-Town down! I love it. How's the quarantine there in K-Town?

Good, man. I'm just hanging out with my dog, George. You want to see him? Yeah. Heck yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Georgie, wake up. He's kind of sleeping.

I'm giving him a treat. Dude, how long is your dogman dead for? Oh, my God. He just went to go feed his dog. Bro, this guy is old, dude. I'm giving him a treat dude. How long is dogman dead? Oh, dude this dog is in a coma My god, dude, hey, can you put up that picture of him again hugging the girl? Hey, can you play the part where he's kissing her and then he hugs her in a small box in the corner with no sound? I just want to, yeah. Look at that cute dog.

Wait, let's, look at that. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. So what's the story there? Are you actually just shy and you don't want to kiss her or? Look at this. That's a good dog. This guy is fucking his ass dog. Again, you are a surgeon at changing the subject off of this meme. They call that an actor.

Look at this boy. Yo, okay. You saw George. Isn't he the most beautiful dog you've ever seen? Yeah, he is. So let's go back to a love at first kiss or whatever. Love at first kiss, I like to call it. When you said that, can I kiss you?

Yeah. Were you just nervous? Or like, did you really like her? No, I didn't even know her. I mean, they told me, go hug the bitch. And I did even worse, dude. Dude, that director sounds dope. Go hug that bitch, dude.

Actually, she's here right now, dude. Come on out. He just said, go hug her. And I said, whatever. Let me kiss her ear. I wanted to make it the most awkward thing impossible like ever no you didn't that's you backtracking what you did what's your love life i wanted to be a meme they told me dude you grew a beard just to do the witness relocation program bro i know exactly what you did i know exactly don't you come with me dude i know exactly what

you did you grew that stuff out so you wouldn't be a freaking meme anymore dude are those six characters behind you who you practice on kissing with now nah just just my teddy bear just my teddy bear bro what's your love life actually like in real life you get a lot of girls it's hard man like i said i think i'm autistic but i just haven't been diagnosed for real like i i never i never went to get diagnosed i'm kind of like you i don't know i stutter a lot like i'm not good in public that's why like social gatherings i don't like i have major social anxiety dude wow so the quarantine basically was built for you corn dream dude that's why I love this thing.

I have been preparing for quarantine since I was a child, mother. Every day. If you were going to commit a major crime, what would that crime be? That's a good question. I'll say wire fraud. Because then you get really rich and you just offshoot it to like Sweden or Switzerland off those offshore banks. Bro, these billionaires, these satanic billionaires like Rothschilds and whatever, they got it down, bro. They got it down. You talk a lot about Satanism and things like that.

What's something that what's like what's something that uh what's something that you believe in that what's like the darkest thing that you believe in well i believe that satan is real like i believe in jesus as my lord and savior but i believe satan is there to kill us steal and destroy from us you know so i believe like my cousins i believe my cousins are satanic pedophiles and they tried to destroy my life since day one, you know? I understand the satanic part of your relatives, but what makes you think they're pedophiles? Oh, they are.

They're Freemasons, and literally, the dad, he touched the boys, both of his sons, since they were born until 12, dude. I have witnesses. I have facts. I have it all, dude. They want to go to have witnesses i have facts i have it all dude they want to go to court with me let's bring it dude they tried to sit dude my ex-cousin is a fucking idiot dude my cousin's a gay fucking set he's a gay just stealer dude i mean he's a gay stealer from pittsburgh you know like a scam artist like a scam you know a scam artist dude he's like he's just

trying to change the subject again from the last kid i mean you look like freaking bob's burgers character in that hold on a second hold on g're in prince guys hold on hold on so let's go to this ex-cousin the gay stealer explain that a little bit better i didn't get to hear anything there go ahead okay so this this ex uh cousin cousin saul as i call him that's like his little nickname because i don't want to say his real name whatever good i don't care go ahead no don't say his name go ahead the whole point is this cousin salt uh i i let him move into my apartment here in la my studio right it's a very small apartment only me and my um my my dog georgie now but before i let him move in he was living on an

air mattress right i i he wasn't even paying me rent i said you need to pay rent he lied to our grandpa who had prostate cancer saying oh yeah i'm paying him right when he wasn't even paying me rent. I said, you need to pay rent. He lied to our grandpa who had prostate cancer saying, oh, yeah, I'm paying him rent when he wasn't. It sounds like he's gay, dude. It's a lot of stuff, dude. All right. All right. I don't want. Don't interrupt.

Oh, dude. The guy. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Then he tried to take me to court for he wiretapped, illegally wiretapped my phone. You can't record someone's conversation without telling them. Hold on. He started in the beginning, wiretapped my phone. You can't record someone's conversation without telling them. He started in the beginning, wiretapped my phone.

Yeah. And then we went to court and then he tried to sue me in court saying I threatened to kill him, dude. I didn't threaten to kill him. I said, I'll beat your ass. Come over here, dude. I'll beat your fucking ass, bitch. I think you probably threatened to kill him. I think you did because you're very convincing you seem

like you could really you seem like you could really flip on a fucking second's notice no i'm an excited guy dude that's my that's like my anxiety i like your style dude i like you that's why i need these that's right so get your edibles now from brownies with jay he took you to court why do i get the feeling that you were your own attorney when you went to that courthouse that day dude you know what's crazy is if i if i was my attorney i guarantee i'd sue the aunt floozy uncle snatch you come uh grandma camellia for millions and they would be in the in homeless in skid row today brother Have you told Sam Tripoli this yet?

It's okay. I've been listening to the tinfoil hat every day, dude. And guess what? Guess what? This world is done with, bro. Every day. He only does two episodes a week. Dude, this, this, this, this.

Hey, you see that new one with Tim Dillon? This thing is over, bro. The Efton Island, it's over, brother. Man, I love you. I love you. Josh Basile, everybody. I'm going to open one over, brother. Man, I love you. I love you. Josh Basile, everybody. I'm going to open one right here for you guys. There you go.

Here it is. Happy 420, Josh. We'll see you soon, pal. Happy 420. Throw back that cookie. There goes Josh Basile, everyone. I am on my way. Someday you'll see me my way. Then you're going to know where to go. Someday you'll see me fly away.

Then you're gonna know where to go. Then you're gone. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, one of the major serious regulars in the history of this show. He's a big deal, a very controversial character. We've had a lot of wild weeks with this guy. Here he is, William Montgomery. Hi, William. Hey, how's it going? First off, I want to give it up for my cousin. We used to kiss. So I was extremely disappointed with the ABC family edit of Eyes Wide Shut.

I was almost on an episode of Extreme Home Makeover, but when they came to my front door, I set fire to a portion of my house, and a few kids died, and my cult ended. That's all I remember about my time in Waco. It's weird how nobody's questioned Batman about this whole coronavirus thing. The monster in my closet is so dumb, he doesn't think I can hear him jacking off to me sleeping in a cheerleader's outfit. That was supposed to be really funny. Yeah. Excuse me, I didn't laugh. That was good seriously although i apologize i'm going through a tunnel right now it's hard to hear y'all

that's good are you holding your phone on your thigh it's on my thigh were you were you holding your phone on your thigh it was on my thigh a lot of yeah you sound better now you had the microphone covered up during that last joke i have that problem all the time did i a lot of a lot of people forget that i was a news anchor for news channel three in memphis and uh uh after each one of my my boat anchor. A lot of people don't know that. You would keep the boats where they were by dipping down into the waters because you're so heavy.

I dip them down in the waters and y'all are in for a great treat right now. I play a song after each one of my news stories. I'd like to play that song for you. Here it is. Are you going to sing along? No, it's just... It's instrumental.

You have to sing something. Make up words. Do something, William. You're just playing a song. Oh, you're actually playing that oh yeah come on show us you bafoon tell your fucking do nothing girlfriend to be the camera person we're getting jesus christ william that's great have her be the camera person have her film you tell her to get her how do i don't know how to flip this camera around?

God, you're so bad at this. Here, watch. Are you playing? I like it. Honestly, dude. i like honestly dude oh seriously i lost my virginity to that song dude what is that is that a yogurt mat in the back dude do yogurt on it dude all. Alright, alright, alright. Okay, that's enough. That was enough. That's enough.

How are y'all doing? I miss y'all. We're doing great, dude. It's the best time of our fucking lives. What are you talking about? It's week six of quarantine. Has it been six weeks now? Yeah, something like that. It's been six.

Dude, I've jerked off 7,000 times, dude. That's it? So is it true? Are you really getting married? Or was that just another one of your classic jokes? No, yeah, we're getting married next week. Where are you going to go to get married? Civil Union.

We're flying down to Civil War Union. Flying down to Tampa. You're flying to Tampa, Florida for it? Flying to Tampa, Florida. We're going to get married. I'm really excited. I want all of y'all to join. Where's the honeymoon going to be?

Pontevedra Beach in Jacksonville. Did she give you a ring back or did you give her a ring or a bruise or a or a what give her a ringworm i give her a what nothing that was a red man i've really i've really missed y'all this is becoming hard for me out here yeah what's the hardest part? God, not completing 1,000-piece puzzles. I've bought four off of Amazon.

I can't complete any of them. How far have you gotten? Have you tried mixing the four puzzles together, perhaps using a piece from one of the other puzzles? Yes, I have. Without any, it hadn't worked have you asked jeremiah for help he does 300 piece puzzles yeah do you jeremiah yeah jeremiah has been struggling with puzzles lately he does that do we do one or something i'd love to do a virtual puzzle with you dude

can we do a virtual puzzle yeah i'd love to do a virtual puzzle with you dude can we do a virtual puzzle yeah i'd love to do a virtual puzzle with you dude yeah i'd love to do a virtual i'd love to do a zoom call with you dude and us find the same puzzle dude and us complete it at the same time dude wow can we do a zoom virtual puzzle together i'd love to do a virtual puzzle with you dude you're my freaking bro dude y'all drink milk do we drink milk yeah dude whole milk every day bro tad what's your favorite kind of milk whole milk dude vitamin d every single time really how about uh how about you ice only milk i like is from a pussy you know hey pussy milk dude i would high five you right now

but i can't everybody's favorite pussy milk, everyone. How about you, Connor? Your favorite kind of milk? I'm a virgin. Milf. Hey, look at that. Milk without the K, dude. Add the F for fuck.

I'm a 2% guy. I don't know about you guys. Really? Yeah. I would have guessed. Tony's scared. I'm a 1% guy. He puts money in his milk.

Come on. Put money in my milk. Milk money. It's my milk money. That's actually a really good movie. I watched that the other night, Milk Buddy. It's a really good one. It's been a seal.

I love your acting. I saw you in The Lighthouse. Have you seen The Lighthouse? Love The Lighthouse. Dude, he just Lighthouse? I love The Lighthouse. Dude, he just called you Willem Dafoe, bro. Yeah, I thought it was called The White House. There you go. William, you're out of control.

All right, William, we love you. Thanks for performing. We love you so much. I think this is one of the great performances of your entire career on this show. This is probably one of my best. I agree with it. You're sweet to say that.

I totally appreciate it. There he is. Do you have makeup on right now? Hey, shut up, Redman, you fucking pussy. Wow, there it is. William Montgomery, everyone. No point in waiting. Let's see another set from another complete stranger from somewhere around the world.

This we're all watching together for the first time is the comedy stylings of Wes Corwin. Here we go, Wes Corwin. Here's some music first. Here we go. Wes Corwin. Here's some music first. Here's Wes Corwin. I love quotes. I'm a huge fan of quotes. I like to use quotes responsibly. I think there are some quotes that aren't any good at all.

I don't know if you ever heard the phrase, beauty isn't about what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside. First of all, no. No, it's not. No, it is not. I'll tell you how I know it's not. There's not a porn subcategory called good-hearted people. There is not. There is not. I've looked. I can't find a video titled Girl Gets Railed by Great Listener. I can't find one of those. I was told for the first time that beauty is on the inside by my mom,

who was trying to cheer me up after a doctor diagnosed me at 11 years old with scoliosis. Now, she was trying to tell me about how beautiful I am on the inside, which is tough when you've been diagnosed with the most on the inside medical condition a human being can have. And I pointed that out to my mom. She was like, oh, hey, hey, beauty, beauty, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I was like, yes, mom, people can behold my scoliosis. It's very pronounced. It's clear. I have no idea what I am on the outside.

On the inside, I'm a five. Both out of ten, and my spine is shaped like a five. Like... Boom. Wes Corwin. Boom. Wes Corwin. Hey. There you go. That's where it should have ended.

Hey. There you go. Could have ended that one a little bit sooner. Here's Wes Corwin, everyone. Hi, Wes. How are you? Hey, guys. How you doing everyone hi wes how are you hey guys how you doing great where are you uh i'm in uh stillwater oklahoma oh how far are you from uh they go to old g zoo the home of joe exotic uh well he lives in thackerville uh so i think about three hours speaking of animal people any relation to jeff

corwin no no i wish i'd be i would love animal money that'd be great you related to anybody famous or noteworthy of any kind uh it is actually something i i do comedy i performed comedy with uh the guy that was on the episode that tried to get in the fight with Jeremiah in Austin. That's the closest thing I have to a famous relation. Wow, yeah. We know that guy from Texas. You've performed with him? I mean, we did open mics.

That guy doesn't get booked. But he sure does do what he does. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years now, since 2011. Wow. What keeps you been doing stand up? About eight years now since 2011. Wow. What keeps you out there in Oklahoma? So I'm usually in Dallas, based in Dallas, Texas. My wife goes to school here.

She is pursuing her doctorate at Oklahoma State University. So I'm waiting out Corona with her. Uh-huh. Eight years and you have one fan right behind you. Dude. Sick. No, this has been, this was really, I've never had this sort of out of body experience where I get to watch myself bomb. So this was really, I'm really glad.

Uh, how much longer does your wife have of school? Uh, another two years. Oh, you're almost there there what do you do for work uh i uh software development oh okay is that a big business in stillwater oklahoma dude the girls i did are in hardware development dude got him uh no uh i didn't like that condescending laugh dude no i i meant that completely genuinely that was great you you should you should stick to it you're nailing it i mean uh i i i'm usually in dallas so there's big business out there i've been trying to look at work in oklahoma to be closer to her and there's really nothing uh there's a reason this city is named after water

that doesn't move so there's just not right not a lot reason this city is named after water that doesn't move. So there's just not a lot to do. Right. So how's the quarantine been treating you guys? What have you been up to? Mostly fighting. She has been going to school here. We've been in a commuter mare living four hours apart.

And it turns out that's the best way for us to be. Just a lot. What do you guys argue about? Usually what movie to watch. We a lot. What do you guys argue about? Usually what movie to watch. We have all the streaming services. We got the Hulu, the Disney Plus, and I have not gotten to choose a movie since I picked

Goldfinger. She didn't enjoy that. Wait, which Goldfinger? The one with Pierce Brosnan? No, no, the one with Sean Connery. Yeah, that one gold member you talking about gold member?

no no goldfinger Sean Connery the James Bond one she hated it with Sean Connery? she did not like it she was not a fan wow what type of stuff did she put on well she's a a big fan of harry potter she didn't like

the part in gold because if you recall goldfinger like uh there's the part where james bond and pussy galore get into a judo fight and uh james bond kind of throws her to the ground and forces himself on her and saves the world by non-consent. She couldn't get past that part. That's my favorite part, bro. Her name's Pussy Galore. Pussy Galore. You guys are douchebags. That's their character's name.

It sounds like your wife is getting a doctorate in being a bitch, dude. Boom. She's like, Pussy No More for you. Yeah. Instead of Pussy Galore, Pussy No More. Did you hear that? Pussy no more for you. Instead of pussy galore, pussy no more. Did you hear that? That's pretty funny.

That was pretty great. What else do you miss during this quarantine? What did you used to do for fun? I mean, a while back, a couple years ago, I was the cast director for a Rocky Horror Troupe. That was pretty fun. That was good. I haven't done that in a bit. I've thought about it it i would love to go back and just check out the show uh they're currently not doing anything for obvious reasons you can't run around in your

underwear while there's a virus and that sucks right how's your sex life you guys having makeup sex after these arguments or uh uh you uh you squeeze them in between it's not we're not a makeup sex people we're more about get so angry and then have sex and then uh work out our feelings afterwards hey i like that interesting stuff what do you guys think about this douchebags i like when he said squeeze in between yeah that's how describe sex, is squeezing it in between, dude. Aw, dude. I notice you have nothing on your walls at all. Like, uh... No. Yep.

Why is that? Because beauty's on the inside, right? I listen. There's just not a lot. I can show you the chores. Like a kill room. I got a water bottle over here, and I got a lamp right over here. I love lamp.

Are those real bananas, or are those fake bananas? No, those are prop bananas. I bought them for this interview. Dude, you live on a set. This isn't a real place, dude. Yeah. Yeah. No, I got a soundstage for this.

I figured it'd be pretty good. Did not work out. Immediately called on it. I figured it'd be pretty good. Did not work out. Immediately called on it. I like it. That is one of the tiniest little, most adorable apartments I've ever seen in my entire life. I wasn't expecting to see the whole thing when you moved your phone around like that.

Thank you. I appreciate that. No, yeah, you got the whole, wanted to give you the whole tour. What is, in Stillwater, Oklahoma? I got to ask. What's monthly rent at a place like that? How much a tournament?

Can you tell us in McDoubles? How many McDoubles a month? I can tell you 197 McDoubles. We pay rent in McDoubles. We do a lot of, yeah. As you say. So what is that like five or 500 bucks a month a little more like 550 560 wow you guys should move to stillwater you guys should

record the show out here it'd be fun i love that live from you love the quarantine episodes, you will love Live from Stillwater. You would definitely have less people in the room than you do right now. Are there a lot of racists there in Stillwater? So it's a weird, my wife and I, there's like people that drive around in cars and you can look this up on the Google, they have the little bumper stickers that have like three roman numeral and then a percent

and so there are a lot of like uh uh like those uh what's the sovereign citizens the people that don't believe the government's legitimate travelers travelers gypsies a lot yeah no we're not driving we're trying yeah that kind of stuff but you've never participated in any of that huh no no no i i believe i i for one welcome the government i think they're doing a fine job and i hope they don't uh look at my because some people room might sound creature some people in the south have you know everybody gets hat hair sometimes you have what i call clan hood hair. Thank you.

I appreciate that. I'll take that with me. That's a good one. That's fun, man. Well, thanks for coming on the show. And next time, in fact, it's going to be announced probably next week. But I believe that we are renegotiating new deals with Dallas coming up before the end of the year, supposedly, if shows can happen. Come on down and sign up for

the Dallas show. Come say hi to us. Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. There he is. The great Wes Corwin, everyone. There you go. The full song for you there. No, no, me. Still saying all the changes. Dude, I was looking out for you.

You were rolling your neck, so I was like, okay, he wants us to keep playing, dude. Thank you. No, you can always go shorter no matter what I'm doing. Shorter is always better. You got it, dude. Longer. Less is more. You'm doing. Shorter is always better. You got it, dude. Longer. Less is more. You like doing more.

Less is more. No, more is more, dude. Dude, I love you, dude. We actually know your next comedian. This guy's a buddy of mine from the East Coast. Let's just jump right into it. Let's see a new minute of Joe Faria, everyone. Joe Faria.

Here we go. Faria. Faria. Joe Faria. Faria. Faria. Joe Faria. Here we go.

It's great to be here in my living room. 30 pounds heavier than I was last month. Fuck. Have you seen these people going out on their balcony every night and banging pots and pans and making all this noise to honor our healthcare workers? Yeah. See, I thought the Puerto Rican kid

racing up and down my street every night on his dirt bike was just being a dickhead. My bad. So the government's asking all of us to help stop the spread of the virus. It's been a problem in Florida. But honestly, how the fuck do you expect Miami to help flatten the curve? Chicks fly there to get ass implants, you know? Oh, all the kids are homeschooled now. Yeah. Have you ever met someone who's homeschooled? Ugh.

See, now if a teacher gets caught fucking one of their students, who are you going to blame? That's right. The parents. Hey, Joe Faria. Hell yeah, Joe. hey joe hell yeah i love your uh i love uh the stuff you do like in between the jokes like yeah and like you're laughing everything you're a funny guy yeah fucking cack sucker yeah hey happy 420 everybody happy 420 my. You're out there in Swansea?

No, I'm in Fall River, Massachusetts. It's right next door. Wow. Wait, what is it? Oh, you guys have Quibi? You guys have Quibi? Quibi. Dude. Yeah, 10 minutes. There's a documentary right now on Quibi about my mayor.

He's like a fucking gangster and shit. Oh, okay. Yeah, no one has it yet. Yeah, there's not enough tests to find out who has it yeah quibi 19 look at that tony i gotta tony i gotta ask about the glove that's fucking dope yeah thank you yeah you riding like a jet ski like a jet ski today yeah i was riding on a gay jet ski uh it's a jet ski that's shaped like a dude you have to put your uh butthole over the throttles or dildos yeah i dildos and i sit in a booty hole no um yeah no sometimes i wear gloves sometimes i hey thanks for propping up that guitar so it looks like you're really cool yeah what's up with that fucking frick fuck you brian yeah is that that's what that is is that

a bass guitar that or it's a kirk cobain's ghost all right it's not kirk cobain all right jason how come everybody that's shaped like you plays the bass what is that there's definitely like a connection everybody's like me play connection everybody's like stockier dudes like if brian played any instrument it'd be the bay you know like chroma chris brian's a tuba tuba guy soon brian plays the bass the bass drum that two-sided one in the marching band that the fat guy always has doof doof dosoon boy. He's the little drumstick boy, dude. Yeah. French horn, yeah.

Whoa. You're supposed to play with the drumsticks, not eat them, dude. Plays the French horn and the French toast, ladies and gentlemen. Plays the tuba and the fupa. Plays the tromboneless ribs. Plays the trumpet and the crumpet. His mouth is watering. What?

His mouth is watering right now it says a fork and a knife like music to my ears oh my god what are you drinking there is that a moonshine glass um it's a buffalo trace whiskey i already had my weed i got my weed pen for four 20. I love that. I love that. Is that a picture of Donald Trump behind you? No, it's John F. Kennedy. Oh, okay. That's right. The second best president. You want to see my bust? I got my, I got my JFK bust, like every slob in uh there we go right here oh that's a before yeah yeah it's called the pre-dallas kfk yeah man you should have an after one right next to that

i love it joe how you been surviving this quarantine you live by yourself yeah just me and my dog, man. Yeah. I love it. What kind of dog do you have? A black lab. What's his name? Miles. Miles.

He's black. A lot of great black labs named Miles. Absolutely. Black labs matter, dude. That's what they say. Man, you have a keyboard there, too? What? Is there any...

Is there any instrument you don't play? I don't play the tuba. I'm not that fat, you know? Oh, okay. The guitar, the piano, and the chair. Can you play us something on the keyboard real quick? Can you play us a little diddly? We got serenaded by William a little bit ago, but...

I don't have it plugged in, so, yeah, I don't have the time to... Oh, all right. Sorry, buddy. There's two things you always want to have plugged in, your keyboard and your respirator. Oh, so dumb. I love it.

What else has been shaken? Any other highlights or lowlights during this quarantine? I feel like we all got... I feel like Tiger King sort of ruined it because it's like the best thing that happened happened that first week. Now I've seen Tiger King, I get sick. I'm angry.

Yeah, you get mad. I saw some posts. Did you guys watch that Netflix, that new episode? Yeah, that's dog shit. It just kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. Yeah. That was the killer. I had to hold back on that one. wanted to i wanted to cause a stink about that and then i'm like wait

you can't be mean about a netflix project publicly oh yeah oh you can't do that but uh so i've just been busy with uh with whiskey ginger and stuff so i love that absolutely you are the graphic designer over there whiskey ginger and a producer what else and a producer. And co-producing. What's that? Yeah. And co-producing. Right. Yes.

Absolutely. You and the great Jenna Sunday up in Vancouver. That was Joel, of course. I'm going to leak it. This week's guest is Tim Dillon. Can't beat him. Can't beat him. Join him. He's getting passed around a lot, that Tim Dillon. Can't beat him. Can't beat him. Join him.

He's getting passed around a lot, that Tim Dillon. Yeah. But he likes it. He's everywhere. He's the guest everybody wants right now. It's crazy what being funny can do in the comedy business. Quite incredible. Hell yeah. Yeah, just keep him busy.

I mean, oh, I have a side hustle. You want to hear about my side hustle? Yeah, of course I do. Yeah, so just keep him busy. I mean, oh, I have a side hustle. You want to hear about my side hustle? Yeah, of course I do. Yeah, dude. So I've been going on mybookie.ag. I've been using the promo code KILLTONY. Yeah. As you should.

And I've been betting that the weather in New England is going to suck balls, and I've just been cashing in. That's beautiful. So it's been really working out for me. I do the same thing. A lot of people wonder, Tony, how did you make so much money? And that's been really working out. I do the same thing. A lot of people wonder, Tony, how did you make so much money?

And that's what I tell them. I got it from my bookie AG betting on shitty weather in new England. You can bet on it. It's a home run in new England. Yeah. It's the same water you drink. What's the website again? What is it? I want to get in on this.

My bookie. Dot. A G. My bookie. Dot. A G. I might try that from a code kill. Tony, you spin you when you get paid. Ooh, bookie.ag my bookie.ag i might try that promo code kill tony you spin you when you get paid oh sounds good hey good to be true those three things i know it is

true though see like you were totally good up until that very last part or for some reason you made it oh it's real this is this deal is for real joseph joseph what kind of whiskey were you drinking dude buffalo trace bison trace oh interesting okay that's what he said anyway i guess it is sort of a cute little bachelor pad you have there just one chair in this room is this the living room no it's my den where i do my uh it's your dad stuff No, his den. When you don't live in LA, you can have all these extra rooms. This is my den. This is my theater.

This is my sauna room. Brian hibernates in his den. Yeah. Brian has one den. It's called a pen. You can't spell Denny's without den, dude. It's unbelievable, that thing. Those late night videos that come out of there spell Denny's without Den, dude. It's unbelievable, that thing. Those late night videos that come out of there

scare the hell out of me, dude. Just you and Cheese Whiz always. Whatever goes on there. Some sad dog starving in the corner. A pile of laundry. I mean, that burger the other day looked good. That did look good. Before I let you go,

you said that you gained 30 pounds. We're talking about food here. What's the guiltiest food thing that you've done this entire time? I ate spaghetti four big meals in a row. There's my confession. Your turn. What's your version of that?

It's the pasta, man. The pasta. You just boil it. It takes three minutes. What do you put on it you brown meat or sausage what do you do how do you what do you do for your sauce i just get a four cheese sauce pour it on top and then fucking game over man super simple dude scrambled eggs mixed with mac and cheese it's the greatest it doubles the mac and cheese so fat dude and bacon brian can teach you how to gain 30 pounds in a week if you're interested he's like the opposite of those weight loss commercials do you want to gain weight now dude hashtag cheese wizard of oz dude is it Is assisted suicide illegal in your state?

Try mixing your scrambled eggs with your macaroni and cheese. Do you like your thighs touching? Meatball wizard. Too easy to walk? When shit goes down, I'm going to cut myself open and Janice is going to live inside of me for like two weeks. I like that Star Wars scene, dude.

I get you, dude. That was way worse than the Mandalorian, bro. Oh, God. The greatest part of the Star Wars franchise. Without Mandalorian, none

of this other stuff would exist. Have you seen the Mandalorian? Yeah, all of it, of course. Of course, you have Quibi. You have Quibi. You've literally seen everything there is to see Brian Starler name is Thick Thigh Walker oh my god

princess lay off of me I'm hungry slob of the butt Oh my god. Princess, lay off of me. I'm hungry. Slob of the butt. Slob of the butt. Chewy moss food. Boba fat. So how much more... She's greater.

How much did you like the Mandalorian better than Star Wars? A lot more. You hear that than Star Wars? A lot more. You hear that? You just said a lot more. No, that's not acceptable. You have to be very careful here. You're treading on. I won't talk to you again if you're serious.

It's like a spaghetti western meets Star Wars. Blonde solo, dude. Spaghetti, dude. Blonde solo, dude. Oh, my God. Am I on? Tony being a nerd. What?onde Solo, dude. Spaghetti, dude. Blonde Solo, dude. Oh my god, am I on? Tony being a nerd. Fuck you, Tony.

Bullshit question. Oh, you guys, stop it. Fat Star Wars jokes are hilarious. Oh my god. Hey, uh, we didn't say Lifesavers. We said Lifesavers. We've gone far, far banks. Hey, we didn't say Lifesavers. We said Lifesavers.

We've gone far, far banks. Far, far banks. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you from Fatuene, dude? Shut up, you will. Oh, boy. So he did like Mandalorian better than Star Wars.

No, you can't say that Mandalorian is better than any of the original three Star Wars movies. By the way, Tony's never seen Mandalorian, so he's just guessing. It's better than Return of the Jedi. Is it better than all the original Star Wars movies is the question I'm asking. It's better than number three? The third one? I can't believe you're saying this. Number three is my favorite, by the way.

I'll take number three. I'll take two. I actually like number two. Medium, no pickles. I'll take a number two, a number three, a number one. Oh, my God. Coke Zero. Well, Joe, I love you, man.

This was so much fun, dude. Was I funny? Yeah. The first thing I said was I love this stuff. You know, jokes are jokes. Jokes will always be jokes. You're the funniest producer we've had on this show, dude. You're the funniest producer we've had on this show, dude. You're the funniest producer we've had on today.

That's for sure. But no, it was great. That's the most important part. I mean, well, writing is also important. You were good at that. But actually, genuinely, having funny transitions and segues. Do you know how to Gleek, by the way?

Do you know how to Gleek? Dude, I don't know what a Gleek is, man. It's something disgusting. Hey, do you guys know what an Alabama Hot Pocket is? No, what is that? So Andrew Santino gave me a list of all the words we can't use on YouTube. You want to pick up that name you just dropped? Debonetized.

And one of the words was Alabama Hot Pocket. So why are you saying it on our youtube show yeah it's not written down dude shut up oh okay go ahead so an alabama hot pocket is you defecate in a vagina and then you fuck the the pussy hole that's live hot pocket yeah but so if you put that in the title of a video, it'll be completely demonetized. Wow. Dempsey, you can't even see that anywhere? If you're trying to look that up.

I did. I looked it up. I saw it. What the fuck is that? You're like, why aren't they making money off this video, dude? This is my stuff. Why is there corn in my pussy? I did it.

Oh, God. All right, Joe. Fun times. There he is. Joe Faria, everybody. He's on Instagram at Joseph underscore Faria, F-A-R-I-A. We love you, Joe. We love you, buddy.

Love you, too, man. All right. We're having fun here. We're having a good time. We're having fun here. We're having a good time. It has come to that time of the evening where we go to another one of our regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the great David Lucas, everyone.

Hi, David. What up, fool? What's happening? Are you listening to music while paying attention to the show? I was listening to y'all, the band. Oh, okay. Cool. What are y'all up to today? High school rejects? What?

They're douchebags. Freaking douchebags, dude. Oh, yeah. Happy 420. Happy 420 to you, dude. What's been happening, David? Not much, dog. Did you have to do 420 booty hops this morning, Tony?

Booty hops? Yeah. Did you just ask me if I had to do 420 booty hops today? Yeah, yeah. David, everyone knows the answer to this question is absolutely. I do that every day. I start my day with booty hops over little booty holes that i dig in the backyard and i uh i get point i keep track of my points by a piece of uh dildo

shaped chalk that i write on a chalkboard and then i shove it up my ass and in my mouth a bunch of times i give myself the alabama corn pocket tony tony nicknamed his booty hole mayonnaise jar that's true because there's so much mayonnaise this makes my day when when there's not when there's not any uh mayonnaise in booty, I'm always like, hell, man, get me some more. Give me some more of that sweet, sweet man mayo. Because my booty hole is gay. There's also lettuce and a tomato in there. Go ahead. Got a rabbit booty hole.

Just in case I need to make a blt on the fly just uh once you farty then you can party blt lgbt hey dog i found out how to cook in grocery stores during the quarantine oh you cook in the grocery store? That's why there's been a shortage. Hell yeah. How do you do it? So you go to the freezer aisle

and get you like a frozen pizza and put it in the heating part with the rotisserie chickens. Oh my God. And go do your shopping and when you come back you got a free pizza why is it free why is it free yeah because you didn't pay and you just steal it everything's free if you just steal it at the end

put it in the rotisserie chicken thing why don't you just get it, put it between your thighs, walk around the store a little bit? Hey, Joe, shut your foodie ass up. We already went through the fat jokes, guys. We can't keep on doing it. No, we can do more. We could go all day. Red Bear, shut your ass up. You look like you got on some steel-toed boots.

What? Hell yeah. It'd be a miracle if your ancestors whipped. Oh my god. I don't even know what that joke was. Was that a mayonnaise joke? Red band coming in four minutes late with a mayonnaise joke. Cool. In his defense, he was running as fast as he could.

He's going to need a miracle. Go ahead, David. Red Band, you look like the nigga who used to sell them ShamWow towels. Interesting. Did you say ShamMoo towels? ShamWow. You know them ShamWow niggas?

ShamWow is ShamMoo's brother. I love it. You look like something about Mary that's in your ear. Something about what? You know Brian said something horrible when he takes a huge sip of something afterwards. You know he doesn't get it if he takes a huge gulp. He's saying that his earbuds look like jizz coming out of his ear.

I'm a douchebag translator. You're translating? Yeah, dude. Have you told your parents, dude? Not yet. David, what else is going on there? What's going on? Have you started to believe in any conspiracy theories or anything like that?

Nah, man. Fuck that. Can we see the artwork that's going on? Have you started to believe in any conspiracy theories or anything like that? Nah, man. Fuck that. Can we see the artwork that's behind you? Yeah, what's the artwork there? Oh, yeah. Hold up. It's just an elephant. Is that like some... Two elephants in the room, dude. Dude, is it a family photo? Damn right, bitch.

That's his motivation for working out. That's his goal weight, dude. Dude, that's a mirror, dude. Red Band, why is Red Band acting skinny? I know. Red Band, you look like you should do fat burger commercials. Oh, my goodness. You could probably do that.

You know, I wish I could. That's probably a good paycheck there. You got some grilled onions in your pocket right now. I have some what? You got grilled onions in your pocket right now. You know, they give me acid reflex, so I always put them in my pocket. It's acid reflex, so I always put them in my pockets. It's acid reflex.

It's so natural to him. Between the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, and onions, you guys almost have a full burger together. Hey, that's true. You know what? I'm going to spread my cheeks. Does anyone have a loaf of bread? Do you wish you could wear pants that let you have pockets? Red Band's trying to roast you.

This shit is horrible. Red Band's the only guy that says, never mind, after he does a joke. Everyone's over talking. Hey, somebody put an underage girl in front of Red Band so he can leave me alone. All right. David, what else have you been doing to pass the time over there? Anything else we should know about? Any good advice? That's it. Exercising.

Watching a lot of boxing, old boxing fights. Hey, that doesn't count, by the way. Red band says that you count your boxing that you watch as exercising. Oh, the only exercise you get is getting in and out of that Tesla. Lately, you might be onto something. Getting off my tushy and getting into my Tesla.

Before we let him go, what do the douchebags think about David Lucas' performance here tonight? Any input from the douchebags think about David Lucas' performance here tonight? Any input from the douchebags? I like this guy. He's a good dude. Oh, you just met him. Hell yeah. My nigga.

David, we love you. We're going to keep this fun train moving along. All right, buddy. We love you, pal. There he is, the great David Lucas, everyone. David Lucas, funny on social media. All right, here we go. Look at this. It's your next comedian.

And I believe she goes by the name of Adelicia Lowen. Here you go. Here's Adelicia. So dating in your 20s is, it's really weird. And they say that it's because your frontal lobe isn't fully developed. And I 120% believe them. And I know that my frontal lobe isn't fully developed because if someone offered to take me to a Chuck E. Cheese,

I would still go and I would not hesitate. And I would go into the ball pit and I might put a ball in my mouth. So I know I'm underdeveloped, but dating nowadays is even harder in your twenties because we got this coronavirus shit going on. So I found myself in the clinic the other day, the cooter clinic, getting my little giblets checked for bugs or whatever could be hiding in there. And, um, I have one of the darkest thoughts of my life. And while I was sitting in that tiny little doctor's office chair, I thought to myself, God, I really hope that it's just chlamydia. And I thought, do you know how bad a pandemic has got to be

to pray to your Lord and Savior that all you have is a venereal disease? It's getting out of control. Heck yeah. Adelicia Loewen. Hi, Adelicia. Hi, how are you guys? Am I saying your name correctly? Oh, no, not at all.

What is it? Adelicia Loewen. Adelicia,alicia man adalicia it was pretty close it's a mouthful it's a mouthful but like you know how that is that it is dude uh so where are you at adalicia i'm in clarksville tennessee wow clarksville where's that at how far is that from nashville or memphis it's about it's about 30 minutes away so we have all the opportunity to go in and visit all the bridal parties but like we have a safe distance from there so it's like a small town nashville or memphis it's close to it's close to nashville it's 30 minutes outside oh okay very cool you look like you live in Lashville, dude. Yeah, you do have some eyelashes on.

I brought those lashes out after David Lucas left the podcast. Does your eyebrows have hats on? They do. They have a hat right over them. Why would her eyebrows have hats on, Brian? Why do you keep saying things and then hiding on a podcast

with five people on it? All right. Anyway, Adelisha, what do you do for work? things and then hiding on a podcast with five people on it all right anyway at least at alicia what do you do for work try it again it's at alicia at alicia yes what do you do for work well i'm a delivery driver right now but i'm in school to be an actress oh studying there in clarksville yes studied here at clarksville i love it and what do you plan to do you're gonna move at some point you're you're staying there how old are you i'm 21 awesome wow fuck yeah douchebag nice dude that's a great age everybody loves 21. You can't beat 21. Tight. Heck yeah. It's tight 21, dude. I'll tell you that much.

Hell yeah. And where are you going to go? Are you going to stay there? Are you planning on moving somewhere? No, I would like to go to LA eventually. Sometime in my life. Maybe New York. Right.

Heck yeah. Can't blame you for that. And what does your family do you come from like a family of farmers or something like that no it's it's even better than that it's definitely uh jehovah's witnesses whoa and you're not into that yeah um well i i'm not very good at um like talking to people at their doorstep. You don't have to be. If you were the Jehovah's Witness that showed up to people's doorsteps,

they would skyrocket. They'd turn into Scientology. People would just start signing over checks to you. Dude, I believe it. You could be the best Jehovah's Witness ever. Right? You put the ho in Jehovah. My parents would probably be happy

my goodness so is this let's talk about your set for a second here that was fun have you ever done comedy before no well i did like i have like a little comedy show at my college that i'm involved in but no nothing else besides that so is it true is the cougar clinic what is that like a gynecologist clinic no no no it's the cooter clinic and it true is the cougar clinic what is that like a gynecologist clinic no no no it's the cougar clinic and it definitely is the gynecologist right pussy clinic like part of a vagina being referred to as a as a cougar yeah yeah i just misheard you i heard cougar i didn't i didn't i wasn't able well that would be more exciting i guess so's what I was going to ask was why it was a cougar clinic. But now it all makes sense. So what did you end up with? What was the diagnosis in the end?

Oh, I'm good. Wow. I didn't even have coronavirus either. Dude, freaking tight. What's up, girl? Tight 21. They check your vagina for Corona? Hey, is that painting in the back? It's in the nose. Is that painting in the background it's in the nose is that painting in the background saying that babies made the pyramids oh yeah it is this is a collection of shit now that i'm thinking about it i'm just like damn you live by yourself well i do my girlfriend just left me. Wait, girlfriend? Wait, what? I'm a bisexual.

Oh, okay. That's freaking tight. Oh, you mean you're a 21-year-old. Yeah. I'm just going through a time. It just depends. Whatever's put in front of me, I'm pretty sure I can figure it out. Dude, nice. You look like if Khaleesi was a snowboarder.

It's hot. Now, are you like a thumb? Like, if you could choose one finger of your ex-girlfriend's hand, which one would you like? Are you a thumb girl? You know, like spin it around? Or more of like a pointer finger girl? A little baby finger girl? Brian only has thumbs, so he's interested.

You probably want me to be a baby finger girl, but I'm like a strap girl. Like, we pull out the strap. Dude, you pull out guns on each other? That's crazy, dude. How long have you two lived together? Only sometimes and with consent. Only sometimes and with consent. How long have you two lived together?

Well, we lived together for two years. Wow. It was a lot. It was a lot. I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at the time, I think. But now you are? Oh, definitely. Even worse now, no.

Oh, so now she doesn't live with you or she does live with you? No, she left me. She left me and took the dog. Gotcha. Wow. How recent was that? Maybe two months ago. Wow. How recent was that? Maybe two months ago. Wow. Look at that.

The growth that's taken in the time. Well, it's probably better that it happened before the quarantine. So now you're all by yourself. Yeah, I'm all by myself all the time. In Clarksville, Tennessee. It's absolutely been going crazy. Yeah. What have you been doing to uh try to stay sane what keeps you uh busy and entertained um oh i've tried writing the my chemical romance musical

the more i'm in the quarantine the more scene i'm getting like progressively so like i didn't have this beanie on until yesterday now i can't take it off it's just like the more i'm staying in like the more i'm regressing to like a 13 year old type of mind state. Right. My chemical romance with everything to me right now. Right. Right. How long ago did this,

my chemical romance thing start? This is one of the first symptoms of Corona virus, by the way. I know it is. I've heard. It probably started. It probably started. Just because. It started before. It definitely started It started before What happened?

Did you fart again? You farted dude Did he fart again? Dude somebody farted Dude what the frick It smells good up in this bitch dude Oh my god Somebody farted in here. Dude, what the frick? It smells good up in this bitch, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, I'll tell you, dude.

You're out of control, guys. 420, more like 220, dude. And you're a fan. I got you. You got it. All right. Thanks for picking it up, dude. Yeah.

When is the... 21-year-old bisexuals are always a very interesting creature. When's the last time you were with a man? Oh, my God. Five minutes ago? Oh, look at that hand back there. There's a fellow douche that just put his hand in the background.

Oh. This place is covered in douche bags. We want to talk to that guy. No, we keep it. He's got fingernail clippings all over his mouth. Whoa want to talk to that guy. We keep it. He's got fingernail clippings all over his mouth. What do you keep it? Finish your sentence. We keep it very separated. People don't

know that I know him. Oh. You just fucked that up right there. Heck yeah. How'd you meet him? I know. Is it Waldo? Did you find him and then take his clothing? We met through mutual friends. Oh, my goodness.

At like a party, at like a game party. So even though I'm really young, since I'm white, we still have game nights, even though we're like young teenagers. Like, does that make sense? No. Game night? You guys know like a game night? Yeah.

You know, like people like make little snacks they bring little board games you sit around and listen to the game i know you're 21 what the fuck yeah i'm 21 but like don't you like go and kiki with your friends at a little game night that's stepmom shit that's true Red Band's like you ever came before me? who does game night? come on casserole nope

a casserole? game night to Brian is when you eat game that was hunted alright hungry hungry hippos get out of the way

game night to Brian is Tuesday Brian's good at roasting himself dude yeah Candyland we know oh after Brian is Tuesday. Brian's good at roasting himself, dude. Yeah, Candyland, we know. What's happening? Operation gonna happen later from diabetes. I get it.

Brian's doing jokes. Brian's got jokes. Brian's got jokes. Don't break the ice, dude. don't break the ice alright there goes Redband to refill his cup of gravy everybody oh my god the gravy

the gravy well Alicia did you have fun here today yeah I had fun it was my first time ever doing something like this so yeah I love it we do shows all the time in nashville next time we're there you gotta sign up and uh come come hang out oh my god i definitely will absolutely there she goes everybody alicia lowen all right let's just keep flying through it here we go here's Adelisha!

Alright, let's just keep flying through it. Here we go. Here's another one. The comedy stylings of Andres Maayan. Andres Maayan. Here's the music for it. Here's Andres. curly hair, the thick feet, small dick, all dope. I never got my teachers to fuck me. I wanted to fuck a girl at our party, but I wasn't totally into her. She seemed kind of dumb, but she was wearing an urbana t-shirt so I knew she knew about penny royalty. I was scrolling Instagram next to my vegan girlfriend the other day. I passed a pic of a girl eating bacon and holding a bun, to which I went, damn, that's what I like, then realized she didn't. So I am gay now, it's easier, I don't even need porn, just a mirror.

I really hope being horny is not a symptom of coronavirus, because if it is, my dog has it too heck yeah andres mayan every here over here here he is guys hello andres where where in the world are you i'm in mexico city wow mexico city i Wow Mexico City I thought you were from Broad City so how's it going out there you see you met you're in medical school? No, I'm not in medical school. I'm in culinary school, actually. I'm a student. Oh, okay.

Heck yeah. Do you know how to make anything without a tortilla? A couple of things, yeah. I love it. I learned on Worldstar the other day how to make a tostada, like one of those Taco Bell tostadas. They show you how to do it at home, homemade. Like one of those nasty double-decker. I didn't do it, but I learned how to do it.

Refried beans, a little shredded lettuce. No, no refried beans in this one. You'd have that in yours, but no, there was none in this version. No, it was just straight-up meat. Oh, the way Tony likes it. Yeah. It's different. It's different,

but yeah, based on loosely based on, it's like a true story loosely based on. So, uh, do you, do you ever do stand up in Mexico city? No,

I've never done it. It's the first time I've ever done something like that well you never stand and deliver it's a mexican joke they'll get it all right so uh what how's mexico city right now are you guys quarantined yes we are quarantined actually i'm i'm taking online classes you live by yourself or with your whole family no i live with my mom oh just like joel it's so mexican of you you guys all live with your parents why ever grow up when you could just live with your parents forever how old are you i'm asking 33 i'm asking 33 how old are you andres i'm 25 years old 25 heck yeah eight years younger than joel fuck yeah dude there's still hope dude

yeah coming close here the marsta needs a new guitar player, dude. Do you know how to play any musical instruments? Yeah, I actually play a little guitar. You do? Can you play a little song for us? A little guitar? Tiny.

I can try to play I actually wrote something You what? I actually wrote Something for the show You wrote a song? A little bit yeah Yeah let's do it come on man

Heck yeah I like that you have a piece of Trump's wall Behind you too That's true I painted for the video I love it alright here he is with a little song for us

here's Andres Mayan you told me guys you are so nice forgive me going You are so nice, for keeping going while we all die. And when we lose our feeling close, and when we lose Our little soul Don't really know Don't really know What we're not doing

Don't really know Don't really know What we're not doing I love it. Andres Mayan. You stopped at the exact moment that I swatted at a fruit fly. I hope I didn't cut your song short. That was great.

I didn't really understand the lyrics so much. Can you just say what you say? Yeah, sorry. It's cute. Tony guys and girl, you are so nice for keeping going while we all die. And when we lose our feet and toes, and when we lose our teeth also,

don't really know what Rona does. Don't really know what Rona does. That's true. That's a beautiful song. Well written. See? I like it. Bravo. That makes you a lot of money Well written. I like it. Bravo.

That makes you a lot of money so you can buy a new sidekick. Sidekick? Make a bit of his phone? What kind of phone is that? It's a Huawei. I don't know the model. It's with the Chinese chips in it that track you. Oh yeah, that's right. That's's a chinese phone it's in there uh what does your mom do for work uh she's a publicist

on a newspaper oh wow look at that yeah my goodness you guys reacted like mexican people can't do that job no yeah i mean you you were like oh you were shocked yeah for sure i thought i thought for sure maybe what did you do have babies for a living or you think that's what mexican women do no they they have babies they they they sell roses on the highway. They make tortillas. Tortillas. Publish articles. What was that? Publish articles.

They publish articles. That's it. That is it. That is all they do. Make babies, sell roses. Collect cum. There you go. White women do that too.

That's under make babies, Brian. Brian still doesn't know how babies are made. Collecting cum. Well, anything else crazy we should know about you or your life, Andres? made babies, Brian. Brian still doesn't know how babies are made. Anything else crazy we should know about you or your life, Andres? Any fun facts about you we should know about? Well, no, I can show you a couple of

paintings before I go. Better not be the Virgin Mary, dude. I've been backing you up for 10 minutes now. If that's what you pull out, I'll pull out. I didn't mean to say that. Wait, what? Say that again. I really

wish it was the Virgin Mary. Oh, yeah. So do we. This is Mike Tyson I did from memory. Mike Tyson. Wow. That's pretty cool. I believe that was once a police sketch after a rape in Las Vegas.

It's a different world. I have Andy Kaufman on Letterman Show. Oh, that's cool. I love that. That's the one where he asks for the money. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of things.

And I have Tony on quarantine.ony on quarantine oh that looks like tony i don't really see it you son of a bitch how dare you you paint that on uh testato boxes from Taco Bell, like very small, uh, canvases you have. Yeah. What's going on there? All right,

Andres. Well, nice to meet you, man. Thanks for, thanks for calling in all the way from Mexico city. Our favorites are the one from around the globe. If anybody's listening or watching this from around the world,

we are highly interested in having you send in a set and talking with you about what it's like on your side of the globe. If anybody's listening or watching this from around the world, we are highly interested in having you send in a set and talking with you about what it's like on your side of the planet. That's killtonyquarantine at gmail.com. I want to see somebody from Japan. I bet you do. There he is. Andre Smyon. And it's now

the time. It's that time of the night for the Kingslayer himself, this guy, an absolute dominant force, ladies and gentlemen, the great Michael Lehrer. Here we go. Hi, Michael. Oh, how are you? I'm so good. This is my favorite part of the week is talking to you, pal. I'm so good this is my favorite part of the week is talking to you pal I'm excited about this

oh me too I was just reading from my second city book and I gave you whatever link to that it's by City book. And Gage, put up a link

to that. It's by, it's the 60th anniversary. They have a new coffee table book. Now, a lot of people know Second City

for a different reason. Whether in the 70s SCTV or the current stages in Chicago that feed of the best sketches ever on Saturday Night Live originating on that second city stage. Gates, will you pull up that Farley photo

like that's been done by the river written by Bob Odenkirk and all down on Second City. So, I in honor of this 60th anniversary

book, since I worked there for 10 years, I'm featured predominantly in the book. Whoa. Wow. So I want to.

Wow. Look at that. Yeah. I want to read you some of my quotes I gave to the author and editor, Liz Kozak. Absolutely. Here we go. From the read of the 60th anniversary of Second City's book. Ladies and gentlemen, he's in it.

Here's some of his quotes. Michael Lair. This is from the chapter writing in process. writing improv skits. After yet another bad show, owner of Second City, Andrew Alexander, climbed me by the throat and pushed me into a brick wall. Improv is something wonderful right away, not something wonderful five minutes from now, not something wonderful tomorrow, something wonderful right away. He punctuated every word

with his fuck finger raking up protein. Do you understand what I'm saying, Mike? Gasping for air, I said, I prefer Michael.

He dropped me into a puddle of my own piss and dropped his parking validation on me. Okay. That was great. This next one's from the chapter called Diversity. Oh. No one was talking to each other backstage,

but it was clear that a race war was brewing. The only question is, would the blacks take me in as one of their own? Who are you calling the blacks? One of the blacks said. You guys. I replied, because you're black and I can't sell you a part. You know what, Michael, one of the blacks said?

After you work for a second sitting, you're never going to book a job, and you're going to get an awful, awful disease. and an awful, awful disease. Well, if that happens, I said, that would be some sort of black magic. All right. The next chapter is called Dating.

I was barely in any of the sketches in the second act, so there was always time to fuck Jessica's tits and also break up. They say you shouldn't take cast members, but Second City forces us to change in front of each other, so it's sort of inevitable. The worst problem is one of my castmates, a husband, father of three, named Brandon, would beg to sung my dig before every family and during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during

during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during during There's a lot of Maldonais. All right, one last chapter.

Call Legacy. Thank you. Second City has more Devil's Alumnus than WrestleMania 3. But with Second Citizens, it's not because of steroids or the grueling performance schedule. It's because, well, in the world, asbestos. Wow. Wow. wow I know I'm gonna pick up a copy of that ASAP so that I can read all those myself

you are? yeah thank you that's interesting of course I'm gonna use the promo code Michael Lair and if it doesn't give me a discount on the Second City website I'm not buying it

hey I heard you by the way speaking of I heard you're selling your bike chain If it doesn't give me a discount on the Second City website, I'm not buying it. Hey, I heard you, by the way, speaking of, I heard you're selling your bike chain and it's up to a lot of money right now. Where can people find it? Where can people find it? I decided to not do it on eBay because of fees. And it's up to $800. really oh my god that is awesome my goodness i can just already hear jeremiah's wheels turning he's thinking about selling a bike chain next week i'll be selling the original kill tony bass drum head from my drum set uh my god talk to you

later michael who is that hot girl that you had model it for you how much was she well you know i've been in the industry for over two decades right yeah that's where you got that painting behind you yes yeah exactly i've worked with a lot of talent and she's just many one of many of the talents that i work with her name is mariah morgan you can find on instagram at mariah drew carrey mariah drew carrey uh so it's up to 800 right now is the sale over is that as high as it's going to get, or is the auction still on? It just started, man. So how can people bid on it? I don't even know.

Tell the listeners here, how can they bid on it? At the end of the Pono promo I made, it says DM me. Yeah, every platform it just dm me and i send screenshots when people are out so you're the auctioneer you might be the slowest speaking auctioneer in auctioneer history that's what that that's now we know why the auction goes to may 1st hey you should have a buy it now though you should You should be like, hey, if you give me this amount of money, auction's off, you get it, here's my Venmo. Yeah, my guess is it's going to keep going up.

How many McDoubles is that? Yeah, I'm not really likable. Yeah. Absolutely. Hey, I know Jessie's not there, but I owe her an apology. She's here.

Yeah, I'm right here. Say it to my face. He thought that was Chroma Chris. He's second city and he's a professional. You're the deuce bag. I know. You spend so much time saying characters. I do.

I try to respect that. And you shouldn't have me. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. Thank you, dude. I was freaking broken hearted as soon as she said that she was here, dude. Wait, my name is Ice and I would love to hear this apology. Ice is actually friends with... Alright. So, Tony, you know I'm really silly

and stupid and I play too much? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I texted I texted Jesse Rising Run at 8.38. 8.36.

Wait, what? 836 wait what so i talked to jesse and uh he he texted me i mean he texted jesse at like 8 36 a.m and my alarm was at 845. That was all that happened. What a nightmare. And I was like, you bitch. I mean, she was like, you bitch. I love it, Michael. Well, I absolutely love you so much. Another fun week. DM Michael Lair at Michael Lair

Comedy and Michael Lair Comedy dot com and Steve Martian 69 on Twitter. DM Michael Lair at MichaelLairComedy and MichaelLairComedy.com. And SteveMartian69 on Twitter. Yeah, man. Selling my soul into the world. No, you're doing a great job, dude. I love the website. It's incredible and hilarious.

And I love everything that you do. And this was another amazing performance. Getting to hear some of your excerpts from the second city 60th anniversary book. It's hard to tell with the lack of and Brian playing grab ass. Yeah, now I know he decided to, uh,

make a paper airplane during your performance here this year. I was trying to hit Jeremiah and it almost hit Tony. It was very scary for me for a second. Yeah, so scared. Lord knows that disappointing me is his biggest fear. Brian, I'm classically trained and I can't be interrupted like that. I agree. Oh, I didn't think you could see us.

So I was just trying to hit Jeremiah with that paper airplane. So that camera right there. I see everything. Now that I can walk, my vision's even better. Oh, you can walk now? Oh, you're walking around right now? No, not that I can't. oh you can walk now oh you walking around right now now that i came when you lose the sense your other sense is to get better i thought you said you could i thought you said you can walk i got excited i'm like this is incredible

i thought it was a pf chance oh i don't like that look of disappointment on your face. All right, Michael, we love you so much. We'll see you next week. The great Michael Lair, everybody. Play him out. There he goes. We love you, Michael Lair. Fuck you.

Yeah. Every little thing's gonna be all right. I actually, even though I have nothing to do with the picking of who gets on and who doesn't, I do recognize this final comedian's name as someone who has been on this show before and who has also not been on this show many times, but has been in attendance many times in the audience. It's a really nice guy. I don't quite remember.

I do believe I remember his comedy as frightening. So let's see what happens this week. Here's a minute from J. Russell Richards. Here we go. Music. And then comedy. Here he is, J. Russell Richards. Here we go. Hello, Kill Tony. My name is J. Russell Richards, otherwise known as The Prophet. This is my second entry into the online submission for the 60 seconds. Okay. Take two. Here goes.

When I was five years old, I inadvertently walked in on my mother masturbating. And I said out loud, why is mommy playing the guitar? And I said, I want to play the guitar too. True story. But I'm five years old. It's preposterous. I don't know how to play the guitar. Mommy, can you teach me to play guitar? If I learn to play guitar, can I lick the bowl? Meow. Mommy, now I know why my fingers are so sticky. There he is, J. Russell Richards.

Hell yeah, J. Russell. Every little thing is going to be alright. Another performance from J. Russell Richards. How are you, J. Russell? Are you in front of a green screen? He's in his bedroom. That is. He actually

is. That's what it looks like. The kids from Stand By Me have all grown up. Hi, Jay Russell. How are you? Can you hear us, Jay Russell? Yeah, I'm doing great. Hey. Where are you, Jay Russell?

I'm in Williamsburg, Virginia. Oh, okay. Heck yeah. There's a lot of race rallies there, right? Yeah, I'm getting a lot of double talk. I'm talking to two people. Are you seeing two people as well? I'm just kidding.

Jay, can you hear me? Is our connection not that good? Yeah, I can hear you, can you hear me? Is our connection not that good? Yeah, I can hear you. Can you see me? Yeah, we can hear you and we can see you. Everything's running good on our end. I think we're all caught up here. You look fantastic.

Now, tell the people, tell the listeners here, how many different Kill Tonys have you been to in person? Because I've seen you around quite a bit. Yeah, I started in D.C. and then I went to Pittsburgh. I got picked out in Pittsburgh on Minute 57 and then I went to Cleveland. Hell yeah. Swansea? Yeah, and then Swansea and then I went to Calgary.

Here's what's interesting about Calgary. January 21st, I came back to Virginia. I was sick as a dog. I was really sick. And I remember it lasted two weeks, and the last week I couldn't eat. Excuse me, I couldn't taste anything I ate. I lost all taste. But then it went away, and it was just like a flu to me.

So I don't know. It could have been. Yeah, probably was. That was the end of January, right? Yeah. Yes, it was. It was the end of January. Proves you can't kill what's already dead.

It was the end of January. Yeah, I still hear you. I think we're coming in and out. Can you smell us, dude? All right, don't confuse them. And then I went to Los Angeles, and I saw you in Los Angeles. And whenever Kill Tony can come back, you know, with crowds, I want to make sure I'm right there with you.

I want to be at that first one when you come back. I love that. Absolutely. We will definitely make an announcement. Hopefully, it's this year sometime soon. Who knows? I'll take anything. Florida.

Yeah. It'll most likely be on the road. That's probably my guess if we do it, but I don't know. We'll see. We'll have to figure it out. We'll be strategic. Wow. That is incredible. That'll be strategic. Wow.

That is incredible. That's a slide, dude. What do you got there? What is that? That's a Cirrus 152. That's a show before, and who has also not been on the show many times. Oh. But hasn't been on it. Wow.

He's like four minutes behind. He's playing the YouTube clip. He needs to stop. Oh, stop the YouTube clip. That's the cutest little boys room I have ever seen. Stop the YouTube clip from playing behind you. We can hear us. Hey, Russell Richards.

Here we go. Wait for it. It's coming. What is it? Are we catching up? Michael Richards. It looks beautiful, but the sound is a little bit rough, but it's coming what is it is are we catching up michael richard that's it looks beautiful but the sound is a little bit rough but it's all good what kind of plane is that

that's a consolidated b20 one 30 second scale hobby boss hey do you have a b52 bomber not yo i got one downstairs i haven't built it yet but this is the hobby boss kids it's chinese oh wow what did you just say i say hello how are you does that look familiar yeah that's a 737 max discontinued that's a 747-8 oh that's what i meant yeah i'm a commercial pilot jr 87 me 262 f4u corsair and corsair means pirate in french wow i'm about to bully someone older than me dude you're a fucking nerd F-O-U Corsair. And Corsair means pirate in French. Wow. I'm about to bully someone older than me, dude.

You're a fucking nerd. I'm glad somebody said it. No, I love it. Suck my dick, dude. I love it, man. I love that. So what do you call this room in your place? Is this your den?

Kill room. This is my man-made hobby room. This is my models. I love it. How many rooms does your place is this your den kill room this is my main thing hobby room this is my models i love it well how many rooms does your place have what do you have in there how many people are in your basement well i got uh it's really a big place it's too big for me i only i really live above my above my garage this is the room. I spend a lot of time up here. I love it. What other hobbies do you have?

Well, I collect. You know, I used to sing, but I don't think I want to say that right now. Collect eyelashes? I got a lot of things, you you know but pretty much i'm retired so that's what i do most of my time i used to chase you guys around i almost had some corporate gigs by the way not much you know just a couple just about 30 40 people but i was gonna i started was gonna get that going and of course now we can't do anything. That room looks like the Wi-Fi should be incredible.

You look like you should have better bandwidth than anybody that has been on the show, yet it's a little bit choppy. Also a vintage... He's using one of the cockpit radios from one of his model airplanes. I tell you, I'm so happy I got on. Thank you. You know, I sent a bunch of...

I sent three of my videos to Gage, so I guess he liked one of them. And I really appreciate what you got, what you're all doing, keeping this going. You know, a lot of people out there appreciate this. I love it. Absolutely.

Let me ask you this, because you obviously model airplanes are known for getting all the pussy. So I got to ask you, what's your love life been like lately? You always ask me that. Well, yeah, OK. this actually happened about six months ago ah it's a little strange but all right so i had this threesome hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on you said two guys one girl hold on hold on just relax we'll get to hold on you said two guys one girl hold on hold on just relax we'll get to the we'll get to the math here in a second that's gay this guy goes from

this guy goes from zero to fucking liftoff real quick so nothing nothing nothing sex life and then all of a sudden out of nowhere a threesome how does this even come together no no no i get a normal sex life i date i'm a bachelor i get around you know i'm not you know i get around a little bit but i'm a gentleman so i usually don't tell these stories i love it okay i'm sorry to cut off your threesome so how does it start though where are you because you started right at the threesome you go i'm having this threesome i gotta i need a little bit of build up here okay i'm at a local bar i'm at a local bar i was by myself with a buddy and this girl started looking at me i went over to talk to her and uh okay so all right so i home. I go to her place. We're having sex.

And I get this funny feeling. I turn around. There's a guy in the doorway masturbating watching us. Whoa. I can't imagine how frightening that guy must have been to be jerking off to you and some other guy. I'm not a guy. I'm a right so i'm harmless i love your style I'm easy, right? I'm harmless. I love your style.

That's friggin' tight, dude. What was I talking about? What? What was I talking about? You were talking about the threesome. What's going on? Wait a second. What are you, the Democratic nominee for president of the United States?

How did you just forget what you were talking about? You put the bi in Biden, dude. Joe Flyden over here. All right. No bisexuality. No bisexuality. It was all cold. It was all snow. I can't watch it, dude.

All right. So I'm going at it missionary style. Everything's okay just as I achieve the Shangri-La just as I achieve the Shangri-La I feel a pair of hands on my on my scrotum sack and I achieve

the Shangri-La and I turn around and go what the fuck are you doing and he says oh I thought you'd like that I said no okay that's true story wow dude I thought you'd like that. I said no. Okay, that's true story. Wow. Yeah, dude. That dude cupped your balls, dude.

And then you showed him. You came on his face at the end of all that. You got to show him you're not gay. That's how straight you are. All right. Oh, my God. Jay Russell, we love you you just gave us a smooth landing on another

episode of Kill Tony there he is J Russell Richards everyone there goes Jeremiah right in front of you hey you know Ryan J Ebelt drew this whole entire episode tonight we forgot to talk about that at the beginning that's right he did it again all his prints are on sale he also has a Kill Tony book

we're watching Ryanyan j right now okay oh god i didn't know what this was gonna be yes shocking shocking this is the drawing from ryan j e-belt everyone ryan g e-belt.com for all those prints of the road every episode that's ever been done uh there you go so that's So that supports the entire cast of Kill Tony. A little fun fact is that if you buy something from Ryan J., it supports everybody on this show, unlike so many of the things that other people promote on this show. And that brings me to the band leader tonight,

was Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah, how are you, pal? Hey, guys. Doing real good tonight. Can you put the green. Jeremiah, how are you, pal? Hey, guys. You're doing real good tonight. Can you put the green screen effect on this whiteboard, please? Yeah. There you go, Jeremiah. Are we checking in with Ryan or no?

We just checked in with Ryan. Checking in with you. Ryan, how are you, pal? Oh, just being memorable, apparently. Oh, come on, Ryan. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget ads. Sometimes I forget tour dates.

We skipped over you today, but not this part. It looks beautiful. Well, thank you. What do you think about tonight's episode? Oh, I had a good time watching it i hope everybody else did what was your favorite part well as usual michael tends to uh mop up there at the end i'm telling you it's unbelievable this fucking guy unbelievable he's the only guy i know with a disease that's supposed to kill him. Meanwhile, everyone else I want to die, and he's the only one that's dying.

It's incredible. Jesus Christ. I agree. Yeah, no, that being dead serious. You know me, brutal honesty, dead serious. I think about perhaps Jesse Johnson dying at any given moment. What did you say about me? No, you're right. What did you say about me?

Yeah, dude, what did you think I said? There you go. So Ryan J., we love you. That's a beautiful print. There's me. You got everybody in there. And the red hats. David Lucas breathing fire.

Radio tower. I love it William Montgomery brothers in cursive blowing fire Michael Lair sitting on a throne I love it Ryan J we love you so much Ryan J e-belt.com and the new Kill Tony shirts there as well

that's a Ryan J e-belt original artwork anything else we should's a Ryan J. Belt original artwork. Anything else we should know about Ryan J.? Oh, no. Just, yeah. No. Just keep watching the show. I'll keep doing it.

That's right. We love you. RyanJBelt.com. And here he is yet again, the band leader, Jeremiah Walken. Hey, dudes. Jeremiah-Walken's on friggin' Venmo, dude. And, you know, I took your advice tony and on instagram i'm at jeremiah stand-up kevin mack is actually going to take over my page on wednesday dude and i'm going to take over his page dude we're doing we're doing an

instagram wife swap on freaking instagram bro it's just in kevin mack lost all his followers my goodness you're gonna be a douchebag on Wednesday as well. Yeah, dude. This week I have Pat Casey, Josh Miller, the writers of the Sonic movie with Doug Benson on Jeremiah Wonders, dude. That's a special 420 week episode right there for sure. How about the rest of the band? Let's check in with the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Most sorry on social media. What else, Joel? That's it. I love you guys. Stay safe. I like that. Jesse Johnson. I'm doing this like quarantine comedy online stand-up thing. I'll post it on my Instagram at Jetski Johnson if you guys want to watch it Wednesday at 8 p.m. Do you have to do it?

Follow Jetski Johnson. You don't have to watch it and I don't have to do it. Gage Tyrena, all one word. Strange taste underscore. Gage Tyrena. Sure. Gage Tygerina. Gage Tygerina.

Gage Tyreina. How about that? Kill Tony Quarantine at Gmail, right? Yeah. Kill Tony Quarantine at Gmail. I keep Yeah. Kill Tony Quarantine on Gmail. I keep getting emails randomly. I mean, these buffoons. How do they even know to send it in?

They're not listening. That's why we should just let the people that listen to the show send it in. And if they can't put it together, don't respond to anybody online on random things. You shouldn't just let strangers know your email hey i'm doing a lot of virtual reality almost every day you guys want to watch me play windy in a in a different i'm playing windy so if you guys like fat jokes you're gonna love me in vr and also who makes the fat jokes me brothers. Brothers in Cursive, by the way. Secret episode being released tomorrow, too.

Do you have the same body in virtual reality? No, I have a sexy body like Wendy. Whoa. Wendy who? Wendy. Thank you, Betterbox. Go buy a candle at damngood candle

damngoodco.com and go to my bookie enter the promo code kill tony and double your deposit thank you too oh my god how could i forget the great veto's pizza hell yeah stuff us up again i had three fucking slices before this show and i am feeling it i feel cracked out right now i had uh mushrooms with artichoke on one, fucking ricotta on a white pizza. Normally, I'm not the white pizza guy at all. It's the best white pizza. Oh, my God.

The white pizza from Vito's Pizza. And I also had pepperoni with fucking fresh mozzarella. Ah, yes. I love you guys. We'll see you next week. Thank you. Good night.