KILL TONY - KILL TONY #452 – QUARANTINED #7

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 04/29/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport. Coupon clipping! Promo code searching! It takes skill! Speed! Sweat! Unless we're talking Kudo's new phone, internet, and streaming bundle. With the HappyStack, you can sit back and stack up the savings on Kudo Internet,

a sweet phone plan, Netflix, Disney+, and Amazon Prime. All starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack. Only at CUDO. Conditions apply. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling. Winning.

Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling. Winning. In an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario.

Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Think about something you're good at. Now think about how you got there. Chances are you had someone to help you get started. If you're thinking about starting to invest, Questrade's award-winning support team is here to help you learn how to become a better investor. From placing your first trade to setting up customized stock alerts, we're always by your side. Just a few of the reasons why we are Canada's number one rated online broker by Money Sense. Get started today at Questrade.com. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony,

including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe.

And he has tour dates and he has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com.

And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Better Box Studios for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Here's Tony Hensclare. Here I am.

I'm right here. Sitting right next to you already. The great Brian Redman in studio. Hola. We have Ryan J. Ebelt, the artist, already starting his drawing of tonight's episode. We're going to stream into him later and see what he drew for tonight's amazing quarantine episode, as the last few have been, of Kill Tony. We're all filled up on delicious Vito's pizza.

Thanks to our boy, Charlie, who's also with us live. He delivers the pizza. He hangs out. He's right now considered the number one Kill Tony fan in the world. In studio. That's like, I don't know. I don't know what that's like exactly. But we're happy to have you.

I had the white pizza today. That's my favorite. That's my new favorite one. And the one that began with an F. What was that? Francis. The Francis. Oh, my God.

I'm telling you guys. First of all, they're open now. So if you're in the L.A. area, get Vito's Pizza. Order from their multiple locations. Unbelievable white pizza. Normally I'm the kind of guy that likes everything. Gino's having some right now. Amazing, right?

Thumbs up. Andy says the best. But when things get up and running again and you come to the Comedy Store to see Kill Tony live, of course, make sure on your trip that you swing by Vito's for a delicious pizza. Tell them that we sent you just so that they know. Get a candle. The power went out a couple weeks ago, like I said, and I had to light some candles.

I had some damn good candle company candles. That's damngoodco.com. And get yourself a candle. Handmade. Absolutely. Handmade. They smell amazing. And a lot of stuff's happening nowadays with this new quarantine.

And I got to tell you, and I'm serious, all right, ExpressVPN has changed my life. Okay? We all know how they protect your privacy and security online, but there's something you might not know. You can also use ExpressVPN to unlock movies and shows that are only available in other countries. Now that so many of us are stuck at home,

it's only a matter of time until you run out of stuff to watch on Netflix. So this whole week, I've been using ExpressVPN to binge The Last Dance, which has a special deal with ESPN to where it's on Netflix globally, but not in America. It's an unbelievable documentary series. Makes you laugh, makes your eyes water, makes you giggle, laugh, cry, makes you do all that stuff. And so with ExpressVPN, I just switch my location to another country, and it's that simple. It's easy. It's fast.

ExpressVPN, you know all about this, right, Brian? Yeah, I actually used it last week also. They have a thing called a TurboGrafx-Mini. I'm nerding out right now. It wasn't released in the United States. It was pushed back to December, but it was released in Japan. I switched it using ExpressVPN to Japanese Amazon, and I bought it on Amazon Japan, got it sent to me. It only took like four days. That was

surprising. It's great because, see, ExpressVPN hides your IP address and lets you control where you are located. So they thought I was in Japan when I got it. But it's not just Netflix. It's just not Amazon. It works for streaming providers like Hulu, BBC, iPlayer, YouTube, you name it. There are hundreds of VPNs out there. The reason I use ExpressVPN is to watch shows. It's ridiculously fast.

It's super fast. That's true. There's never any buffering or lag and you can stream HD with no problem. It's also compatible with all your devices, phones, media, consoles, smart TVs, and more. So you can watch what you want on a personal device or the big screen wherever you are. And if you visit our special link right now at ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony,

you can get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Support the show, watch what you want, and protect yourself with ExpressVPN. And again, no better time than during the quarantine to have something like this, you know, when you are absorbing all of this content. So go to expressvpn.com slash kill Tony now. That's right. And another fun thing you can do is you can reset your ExpressVPN back to the United States of America, and you can go to MyBookie. They keep you entertained, hooking you up with all your favorite games,

blackjack, roulette, war, video poker, slots, all while you're out scavenging for toilet paper or quarantine at home. The excitement never stops with MyBookie. You got the itch? Scratch it with MyBookie's live casino dealers online. That's right. They have real dealers at their tables, live on the site 24-7.

These guys definitely do not mess around. At MyBookie, you could even bet on politics. And if you're really bored, you could bet on the weather. They offer something for everyone. And always, when you win, you get paid quick. Put your skills to the test in their huge blackjack and slots tournaments with insane prize pools. In fact, if you're stuck at home right now,

they've got this $10,000 blackjack tournament for you to sink your teeth into. It's free to enter, and it pays cash if you win. It's free, and it pays you real cash. How crazy is that? You can trust the industry leaders in times like these. They're reliable, they're upright, and best of all, they pay you fast when you win. It's where I play and where you should, too. I got the hookup for you to do the smart thing.

Go to mybookie.ag and they'll double your first deposit. Double! Use promo code KILLTONY to activate the offer. That's promo code KILLTONY. You spin, you win, you get paid. Hey, we are in it to win it. A bunch of dates rescheduled for Kill Tony and for my stand-up comedy. Places like Miami, Austin, Sacramento, San Francisco, Bakersfield, Tacoma, Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City.

A bunch of places. Some of them are stand-up. Some of them are Kill Tony. Those dates ranging from the end uh whoa the end of july all the way through november and uh yeah tonyhingecliff.com for tickets and stuff like that those will be up uh soon if they're not up already at the city that i just mentioned you go to the go to just google it or something, and maybe they're already on their site. Yeah, so here we are. We're in it again. Another episode of Kill Tony. More of like

obviously an examination of someone's writing rather than their performing since they're at home. Sometimes the videos are well producedproduced and fun, right? Sometimes it's just someone talking. Sometimes they're doing a lot of jokes at once. Sometimes they're barely trying. So let's get into it. But we do have a band, ladies and gentlemen. As always, the band commits to being different characters every episode of the show.

We have no idea what they're going to be. They've been outside getting ready for the last 15 minutes. So let's all find out what they are together. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and Jesse Johnson. Here we are. Uh-oh. Whoa. Wow. We know these guys for sure. And we have a new young lady here joining us. My goodness, this is absolutely special. We have the great Salvatore, who we've had so many times. Salvador.

Salvador. Salvador. And the legend, Jolina, is here, everybody. Hi, Jolina. What's up, eh? What have you been doing during the quarantine? During the quarantine? I mean, I've been to prison a bunch of times. It's very similar,

you know? But like, you know, I fucking, um, I'm backing Donald Trump right now because I got my stimulus check and fuck, I'm fucking living it up, eh? So I'm ready to do, I'm ready to jack that fool off anytime, eh? You're gonna jack it off Donald Trump? Donald Trump, eh? President Trump!

2020, fool. Wow. Anybody that's giving me fucking money right now, shit. You got your $1,200? Hell yeah, eh. I've been smoking weed. I've been fucking doing all that shit, eh. I didn't realize you had a mailbox.

Yeah, I got a mailbox. I got a lady box. I'm keeping this corona away right now. Whoa, whoa, you drinking Clorox? Oh my God, Jolina. That is unbelievable unbelievable straight out of a real clorox whatever the president says i'm gonna do a i really hope you rinse that out a bunch of times powerful chemicals originally in that bottle hey president trunk says to drink it i'm gonna fucking drink it he gave me money i'm down president trunk how about you salvador uh what uh what what have you been doing during the quarantine such a gentleman things are good but

you know i play a lot of parties and stuff like that so it's been cutting into my employment oh yeah but you know uh and i still practice with my band and uh it's good times yeah it seems as though they've said that mexicans are having a real problem with this pandemic because you guys can't stay away from one another. Yeah, I just live with a lot of people. Right. How many people do you live with? 14. 14 people?

Yeah. How many bedrooms? One. Oh my goodness. 14 people in one bedroom. Yeah. Oh my goodness. It's my mother's. You live with your mother i live in an orphanage still wow i live in the orphanage i grew up in oh my goodness gracious so one bedroom orphan i raised the ninos to pay forward you know right no it's full sexy hey hey whoa i'm trying to get into salvador's back door if you know what i'm saying you guys have worked together

many times this is the first time we've heard Jolina express any sexual interest in you, Salvador. How does that make you feel? We've traveled a lot together, and it's a little surprising that all of a sudden she has no eyes for me. Well, looks like there's going to be 15 people in that one bedroom. Shit, I'm fertile, eh? We're about to have fucking 30 babies, dog. You're fertile? I'm fertile, dog.

Oh, my goodness. And who's this young lady here next to you guys? Is this your immigration officer? No, I am Shannon Perkins. I am the social worker assigned to Jolina's case. We are trying to keep her children. Whoa, you guys seem to not get along so well. Well, I support Jolina.

Sometimes I don't support her behavior, but I'm here for you. I think that's great. She's looking out for your better. She said I can't blow weed in my baby's face anymore to make them take naps. Yeah, your babies will be taken away if you continue to do that. How many babies do you have, Jolina? We don't know. You don't remember how many babies have come out of your vagina?

Honestly, after five it's all a blur man fucking they just walk out at this point wow well we're happy to have you shannon perkins welcome to the show so cool of an actual social worker to drop everything that you're doing and uh join the band from here on this wacky show kill tony with that said you guys are going to be with us the whole episode we We got Red Band and his soundboard, the legendary Mexican band featuring their social worker. We have Gage and Anthony in the booth at

StrangeTaste underscore and Gage Tiarina. Charlie, Gino, everybody's here. Let's get this show started with a minute of stand-up comedy of some type or writing or performance of some kind. Let's see what happens here let's meet someone from around the world this first comedian goes by the name of chris wacker here

comes some music and then chris all right here's chris wacker what's up everybody, my name is Chris Wacker Insert masturbation joke here I'm aware that I look like I play all the Fortnite I'm also aware that I look like I'm going to try to get you to switch to T-Mobile Being a Wacker, you can expect to get bullied And, you know, I did. But look who's up here, out here, you know, talking about what a loser they are in front of everybody.

Take that, Chad. There's a lot of successful whackers in my family. My grandpa was a military general. My uncle's a lawyer. My dad was a chief administrative officer at a large hospital. And I buy weed from a 15-year-old girl that I work with at a pizza place. Pretty sure we all accomplished our goals in life. It's my time.

Thanks, guys. Peace out. There you go. Exactly a minute from Chris Wacker. A lot was covered there. Look at all that cool shit. Hi, Chris Wacker. How are you, my man?

Hey, I'm alright. What's up, fellas and lady? It's great. You look fantastic. You're well lit. Hey, thanks, man. That is the best lit parents' basement I've ever seen in my life shining off that golden that golden patriot back there look at that look at that yeah where are you calling from did you say where

that's what i thought i saw the pizza shop t-shirt and and i recognized it immediately you spent some time in kansas before salvador yeah Yeah, so I am a white man who was raised in Mexico, and I actually grew up in an orphanage in Mexico. That's where I got the accent from, and then I traveled to Kansas later on, and then I went to university there, and that's how I speak the English so well. Wow, you do speak the English so well. That's incredible. So, Chris, you're in Kansas. You ever tried the butcher block at pizza shop oh let's talk pizza let's talk kansas pizza oh yeah it's so good man before i started back at this place i was craving it and like my one of my first days back at the restaurant i was

like man if i could get one of those fucking butcher blocks like and then it was like somebody didn't show up for their food now it's like fucking score what's a butcher block it's like a meat lovers pizza only like more kingly we've gotten deeper into this kansas pizza exclusive that everybody's been asking about is it is it true some of the pizza shops are closing i don't i haven't heard of any closing we're ours are still open and i I know there's another one near us that's still open. We're just doing curbside only, which is why I wanted to advertise we're still open, we're still available. I want the place to stay open, you know? Yeah, me too.

What do you do there? I make pizzas, and I clean up, and I do dishes, and I listen to you guys on the podcast while I'm doing dishes I love that hell yeah and how long you've been making pizzas for uh this is actually the second time I've worked at pizza shop um many years ago like in my earlier 20s I was um I worked at a different location until it shut down I worked there for like five and a half years, something like that. And then I worked somewhere else for another few years, like five years or something. And then I just came back recently because I really like working there. It's fun.

Heck yeah. I used to make pizzas. You guys ever work at a pizza shop before? Yeah. I worked at a Italian restaurant called Pisanos. You did? What did you do there? I was a waiter.

I ran the cash register, but then it mysteriously burned down one day. Oh, were you there that day? No, but I did close shop that night. Oh, my goodness gracious. I worked at a place called the Italian Oven, and we had to do the hand-tossing bullshit. I tried to do it the other day. I'm not good at it. Did you do the hand-tossing stuff?

No, ours were already in the pan. The boss was such a perfectionist that he would pre-make all of the dough. And he had a way of keeping it just the way he wanted, the fridges at the right temperature. He was an obsessed guy that would make the dough himself from like 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. every day. Sounds like he was busting nuts in that shit. He didn't let you do it?

Why would he do that? Just sounds like he's doing a lot of work when nobody's around. Jolena, we've been trying to get Jolena away from hand tossing. Oh, yeah, that's true. You don't let me near the knives, eh? So, Chris, tell us more about your life there in Kansas other than making pizzas. What else do you got going on out there? You want to hear some crazy stories?

I've got stories. Sure. Tell us something interesting. Alright, I got kicked out of Christian school for talking about smoking weed with the other kids. Damn, you're bad. Got kicked out just for talking about it? Talking about it, yeah.

How old were you? Like 18, maybe? Wow. Wow. Christian school, you were still still 18 so that was a high school obviously hopefully yeah that's how easy it is to get kicked out guys if you want to get out of your christian school just start talking about weed well they shouldn't call it high school my senior year high school we used to smoke pot beforehand. It was quite the good time.

Es la verdad. Huh? Es la verdad. What? Es la verdad. Is it true, fool, that you did that? Is that what he's saying? Es la verdad.

Yes. Wow. I still don't understand what he said. Es la verdad. So clearly there's a lot of nerdy shit going on there, Chris. So clearly there's a lot of nerdy shit going on there, Chris. You don't have your posters framed, shockingly enough, which normally I would feel like you would. I feel like a guy like you would have frames. I got too much of it.

I'm not going to frame all of it. I got a ton of it. You have a little collector's store there. I got a question. Sure, go ahead. Are you sad about this quarantine that you're going to have to wait even longer to lose your virginity now, or... I mean, I've just called you a virgin, sir. Is there any truth to the rumor that you are a virgin?

No, it's not true. I know what I look like, and I guess I could open up with that, too. You know, kind of look like that, but no, no, I've been around a little bit. Anyone in your family named Dick? Is there a Dick Whacker in your family?

Perhaps a Jack Whacker? Richard Whacker. No, I wish there was. That'd be hilarious. Is there a Weed Whacker, Jolena wants to know? There's a lot of Mountain Dew. I like you. Smoking weed, you know?

Smoking weed in the Christian school? I don't know. You live with your parents still? No, this is my place. It's a one-bedroom. It's a little cheap, cheap one-bedroom. How much does a one-bedroom run where you are? Right now, they keep raising it like every year,

but right now it's like $760 or something like that. Wow. That's a lot. That's a lot for that economy, for that place. That's just a lot. What's the minimum minimum wage there? I think it's like seven something. Yeah, that's hell. You live in hell. Do you know that? The Wi-Fi is incredible in hell. Shocking. Yeah, of course. What's the rarest thing that you own? I see that you have a lot of

unopened, looks like the Punisher behind you or something like that. These condoms, they're in mint condition. We're going to follow up. I'm not that type of collector. This is like, I smoke in here. He's a bone collector. Okay.

Love that. Have you ever committed a crime before, Chris? Oh yeah, that was one of the things I was going to talk about next. Yeah, let's do it. I have I got busted for an empty bag that used to have weed in it oh my god have i mentioned

at all yet today that uh you live in hell you make me want to beat up this tv screen right now man fuck jelena you can't your social workers are out there this is like we're live pd this is like half the episodes of live pd yeah you got busted for it. The Kansas laws are weird. We're going back to Kansas. We're getting reports right now that a man with an empty bag of weed has been stopped. Tase him. Tase him. Wow.

And Chris, did the cops show any mercy? Were they nice to you? No, it was false. Yeah. They were nice, but it's because I was an idiot. I didn't understand my rights at the time and so i you know they were just like can we search you i should have said why and no you know i'm not doing anything wrong because i was just walking back from a party

uh and yeah they stopped you a lot if you're walking in kansas or traveling i've heard that too yeah did you say that you buy marijuana off of a 15 year old girl allegedly wow how old were you uh now uh you mean now yeah or when i got in trouble no no now he buys it off a girl that's 15 currently your connect is a 15 year old girl it's kansas city i sort of exaggerate it because i think it's funnier that way but i think she's 60 now oh there you go this is like a this is like an episode of to catch a predator oh I just assumed that she was 16. To catch a Redditor.

Joelberg is hitting grand slams out of the park so far here today. Incredible. These would get massive chants in front of a live audience. I miss audience. I know, right? Wasn't it fun? This normal podcast life is peasantry.

This studio life feels like Kansas City in here. Feels like right here. Well, I loved it. You got the party started for us, Chris. We appreciate you. Way to do it. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before on a

stage? Five times. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Well, when things open back up again, get back out there again and keep doing it. I was inspired by you guys. You taught me a lot about comedy. And I saw Jeremiah and Gage when they came to Kansas City.

And I started doing open mics on that stage like a month or so after. I love that. A lot of greats come out of the pizza shops, man. David Deary, a pizza guy. Charlie, the pizza guy, even though he doesn't do stand-up still. Funny guy, great guy. All of us used to work at a pizza shop. So you have some great footsteps.

Can I say thank you? There he goes. Chris Quacker, everyone. Here we go. On to the next one. Absolutely. So that was fun. A way to get it started.

Thanks to Chris. And let's just keep it moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jimmy Rector. There you go. Here comes Jimmy Rector. Here we go. Whoa, thank you guys for showing up. Thank you. Yeah, up. Thank you. Yeah, quarantine's been interesting.

Dating has been very interesting. I haven't been had very much luck online, so I'm going to go ahead and delete my account at blackchristianfarmersonly.net. It just seems like everyone on there is the same person. And anyway, because of that, you know, I've been feeling the same way about the Midwest. So I'm going to go ahead and move out to L.A. And I've been studying, you know, during this time.

I went ahead and took this online course. It was called Entourage. And I can't say I really found out how to do any of the homework. So it's kind of put me in a down mood. But then the other day I was like all depressed and feeling down during this quarantine, and I was like, you know what? Decaf coffee made it. Things aren't so bad.

There you go, Jimmy. There we go. Jimmy Rector, everyone. Hi, Jimmy. There we go. Jimmy Rector, everyone. Hi, Jimmy. What's up? Everything's good. I'm glad that you sent in a set. That was fun.

I've always wondered what the bad guy from the movie The Matrix is up to nowadays. Looking good, though, dude. Heck yeah. Where are you phoning us in from? I live in Austin, Texas. Oh, beautiful Austin, Texas. A great place. How's the quarantine treating you?

They been opening things up yet there? I hear that they are about to open it up, but I actually just got back. I spent most of the quarantine in Missouri in my parents' basement. They don't have internet. Oh my God, that sounds like hell. Wow. So what did you do to pass the time there?

Did you look at any porno magazines? VHS mostly now. I actually decided I really like dedicating myself to writing so I actually sat down and I wrote an entire script and I also wrote a tv show and produced and made the tv show and put it up on youtube five episodes of it so what's it called yeah it's called life is a trip life is a trip it's actually yeah it's like when i was in my parents basement i was like this is not really gonna be anything you know i just made it with my with my phone and my ipad and then i was like this is kind of becoming like this bigger thing and i was like it's not just an ordinary big deal you know what i mean yeah and then

so if you go to super duper big deal.com you can actually see it all is that that's incredible super super super duper yeah it's duper spelled d-u-p-e-r yes can we look at it can you uh pull it up or i feel like it's just going to be a picture of that giant black guy with his huge cock out when you get on the website pull it up have you seen this guy julina seen him i know him how do you know him he's my baby daddy's third kid look at that that's hey what's up what's up look at that that looks incredible yeah so thanks so i do i do branding and websites too but i just i literally did everything with my phone and my ipad and i was like if anybody says they can't do shit during quarantine like no doubt now's the perfect time to do all this kind of stuff. Yeah. So I was like, because what happened was I work in the entertainment industry and mostly in the music side. Right. And so every single gig I had got canceled. We were throwing a festival in Florida and it was what like everything was leading up to. And all my gigs for the next six months got canceled. I just had this time and I was like, what feels the most like I should do?

How many different actors or actresses are in it? Just you? Just me. You played multiple people? I mean, if, if you guys go to super duper big deal.com. Yeah.

We'll see that it's just you. Then we can read the bio. You're right. How much is this apartment that you're in? How much do you pay for this apartment? It's a two-bedroom, but together I think it's like $2,700. And how much did you pay for the domain name superduperbigdeal.com? I think it was a dollar for the first year.

How many Big Macs is, oh, nevermind. That's a lot of Big Macs. One Big Mac. Dude, fucking a patty with sauce. That's it.

I love that. So you have a roommate now in your current living situation? Yep. How long have you two known each other? I would say three years, I think. how long have you two known each other? Uh, I would say three years. I think we met at a mastermind group in Florida doing some nerd business shit.

What's a mastermind group. It is, it's kind of like where, you know how you don't want to spend your time with people that waste a lot of time and don't really like want to progress their life in any way this is just people it's like a tiny group of those people that actually really want to do shit and help me a lot build my business and now i'm just putting all the business stuff i learned and all the branding stuff i learned into comedy and focusing as hard as i can wow

is there a condensed version of what you just said? It's super duper big deal.com. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love that you set goals and they paid off.

Jolina. Okay. Well, I support you, but not that language. I like you. I love your dynamic personality. Oh,

that's great. Social worker. Jolina are going at it. That was good. That was progress for her, wasn't it? It was. Let's all give Jolena a moment. I don't know what progress you're talking about.

Progress accomplished. And we can thank Donald Trunk. It's a metal band. Shout out to Donald Trunk. Metal band of dinosaurs. Trunk 2020. Okay, Jimmy Rector, do you have any other than writing and making things? Do you have any other special skills or talents?

You look like you've done a couple magic tricks in your days. You look like if you put a... If you wear a COVID mask, does everybody think you're a doctor? You look like a doctor from the nose up. You look like an owl. Oh, yeah. Totally, totally. I got my 401K or whatever, too. It's locked away, loaded.

How about any other special skills or talents from you? Anything else that would surprise us? I used to make drums and I also used to or I still make art for Carlos Santana. Wow, that is so cool. You guys are big fans of Carlos Santana, right? I just came in my pants right now. Uh-oh, looks like you said one of the seven key words. There you go. Okay. Who did you make drums for?

I'm sure Carlos is sitting there very proud. You got it. I'll, um, it's, my life's been crazy. That's why. Nevermind. It's not Ludwig. Who cares? Moving on.

Do you play drums? It was in Chicago. Do you play drums, Jimmy? I didn't think you would ask that. But yes. You really do? Do you have a drum set where you are? Yeah, it is true.

The squeaking of the chair really did take all the excitement out of that moment. Is this what's happening? Do you have a drum set? I have one that I made in my closet. What's happening? I'm confused right now everybody relax hold on let's figure out what's going on you have a you have a drum set there do you really really let me see it all right get the fuck out of here no fucking way i I made it. I made the drums.

This is it. This is the moment. This is where he shows his ass. This could be our first. This is where we get. He came out like Buffalo Bill. Oh, my God. That looks nice.

That's a pretty drum, man. For an ugly man. Oh, come on. Be nice to this guy. The first part was great. He's a a good guy he's got one drum up his whole drum set i hope so i i truly hope so wow i also have a drum set big deal this guy's a fucking i'm telling you right now this guy's a fucking winner look how organized he is this guy's got storyboards out he's got a sharpie a different sharpie an eraser an ipad he's got index cards this guy's got ideas he's got in his trunk he's got his own room he's got all this

stuff going for him so i'm pretty excited about this it's like a table you do a bake sale on right there man in defense of my client he could be a little faster that's right this is incredibly exciting this is going to be the first and so far only mexican drum off in a quarantine coming up here so what if he's like, I said I made drums. I didn't say I played them. Well, he said both. I actually asked him both. And he said yes to both. I declined. No, you can't decline.

You gotta be like Donald Trunk and win this thing. Go to my bookie right now and bet to see if this guy will beat Jolene. Jolene, ah. You have plenty of time. This is exciting stuff, guys. A lot of people love this segment.

A lot of people hate it. I think the beer is kicking in right now. I lost the audio. I can't hear you guys. Oh, we can't see you. Can you hear us now? The only thing that would suck right now is if he set this up and everything, and this is the framing, and I don't get to explain the rules.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh. Jeez. Yeah, well, okay. A lot of build up there. Was that Michael Lehrer? Man, that could have gone a thousand times better, perhaps. That was it. Can you hear us?

You're like the drumming equivalent of a PE teacher you couldn't do so you built can you hear us now no there he goes jimmy rector everyone go to superbigdeal.com at some point in your life and uh check out his show we love you jimmy thank you We love you, Jimmy. Thank you. There you go. I'm still confused why he moved the camera like that and didn't even show his drums. I think he got a little bit excited there, and a lot of people aren't used to this kind of pressure. They're not used to being on a show like this.

He lost his audio. He reset the camera to a weird position. It's natural for someone that I think isn't used to a show like this. However, there are some people that are very used to a show like this. One of them is one of the very famous regulars of the show. Here he is joining us live, the one and the only, the great William Montgomery. Here he is, William. Are you guys going to play?

Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, here he is, William Montgomery, everyone. William. How's it going? I'm still running for county alderman. I'd like to go over some policies. I saw the movie Tokyo Drift, and I can promise you one thing. If I'm elected county alderman, there will be no Tokyo drifting on our streets. I saw the movie Poltergeist recently, and I can

sure as hell tell you one thing. If I'm elected county alderman, we're going to be making sure none of our subdivisions in this community are built on top of Indian burial grounds. I'm sick and tired of coming back to my home at night just wondering for hours before I walk inside if I'm the one that turned that light on. That was probably my best policy. It scares me. Y'all aren't laughing. That's probably my best policy. It scares me.

Y'all aren't laughing. Can we make pool toys a little less dangerous? Please. They're meant for floating, not breaking your neck. If we're on the topic of kids' movies that need to be banned from elementary school, let's bring Lion King into the dialogue. I'm sick and tired of staying up, hoping Scar doesn't make his appearance on screen, but he does every time.

There he is, William Montgomery. There's the body of William Montgomery. He has still an open wound on his belly. It's getting better. We've been studying this open wound for a long time. There is a different hair

there. What's that hair that's in the middle there? It's a beard hair. Oh, wow. That is a loose hair. We just found a loose thick black hair that is someone else's hair. That was in the middle of your belly right next to your

open wound william hello actually y'all are in for a treat my uh my head of uh security is actually in town tonight uh for my alderman thing we're in do you want to come in the picture a little bit turn your phone around i don't know how to turn it around just just move it here come behind me or we also found out today he doesn't know how to save photos oh wow wait a second oh my goodness who is this it is my buddy oran he's my head of security that might have been uh he's here on my belly i don't know if it was or not but we're're, but we're, we're serious. We both think coronavirus is a sham. Don't you, Warren?

Yeah, it's a super sham. It's a super sham. It's a nightmare. Gang, gang. Wow. Yeah. God, William, you're going to have to change your name to crit van winkle. I love that.

So where did you meet this guy? We watched Dishes together. Yeah, we watched Dishes together in Denver, Colorado. Who had that fucking bitch cackle in the background? I know, right? Those are the producers in the back. In a soundproof room. What faggot was that? My God, William, I love this new look.

Are you auditioning for a role in Beer and Groaning in Las Vegas? Beer and Groaning. Beer and Groaning. The new Anaconda movie. The new Anaconda movie with J-Lo. I have never seen anything quite as white as you right now and you've never been whiter and i've also never seen you hang out with a black guy before uh david lucas what about david lucas what about david lucas oh that's right i forgot about that

but i mean like that's like for show i didn't know that in your spare time you were hanging out with these types of people. It is for sure. I'm glad you brought that up. He gives me the creeps. I don't like David Lucas. Are you talking about the hit song from TLC, Creep? Yes, right after the Waterfall song. Yeah, he's playing every song.

He's messing that up. Drink your bleach, Jolina. Fucking awesome. So what else has been going on? How are y'all doing? I've missed y'all. What's going on? We're great, man.

We're absolutely great. What county are you running for the alderman for? Davidson County. Where's that? It's outside of Nashville. So why would you run for county alderman of a place in Tennessee when you live in Los Angeles? It is a, it's a logistical nightmare. It's a, it's a deal. I don't even really understand. Um, but I'm here. I'm, I'm, I've been dealing with it through the

quarantine. Can I tell here, do you want to hear my best one? Can I tell you that everything that you do is funnier with a thuggish black man over your shoulder? Oh, he's really black. He's going to wait for me to laugh. Checks out. They do that. Go ahead.

What's your new best joke? Let's hear it, William. This is william policy it's a pretty good one uh if we're talking about episodes of the twilight zone can someone please get me out of the one where i get on an airplane only to find out there's a fucking hairy monster on the wing of the plane that i'm flying on let's allocate some money to do some studies on these types of terrorists flying on the wings of our planes i'm sick and tired of opening and shutting the window to the plane i'm flying on only to have a hairy monster on the fucking wing of the plane every time i open the window i'm sorry i wrote all this earlier i thought it would go really good um it's i like the tag on the joke when the black

guy in the background went like this that was the funny yeah he he used the wrong finger though i think he meant to do this or and let's do another one if we're if we're still on the topic of practical jokes am i the only one who's sick and tired of testing out binoculars at the local sporting goods store only to find out some school-aged kid put shoe polish on the fucking eye holes i'm tired of testing out my binoculars on a saturday afternoon only to find a couple of terrorists putting shoe polish on the binoculars it's like i'm living out one of my nightmares or and do something have you been doing stuff? There it is.

Yeah. Perfect, perfect. Man, this is incredible. I love this new duo of you and Orrin. Is there any chance of him replacing David Lucas on Brothers in Cursive? Yeah, I hope David's fat ass isn't watching right now. I'm sure he's not. But yeah, I think it's gonna be me, you, and Oren Red Band

on Wednesday. Are you cool with that? I know you don't really like blacks, but are you cool with that? Did you buy a face mask yet? We had to cancel last week's episode because you didn't have a face mask. Don't tell me that.

I've had a hard fucking week. Don't tell me that. What's been so hard about your week? Why has your week been so hard? I watched the movie The Fly the other night when that fly got in the container with that actor and the actor started turning into a fly. I hate it.

I hate it. It was a nightmare situation. But yeah, it's been a hard week. You're talking about the great Jeff Goldblum? Jeff Goldblum. Hell of a picture with Jeff Goldblum. Love it. Yeah, absolutely.

Heck yeah. Really good. Thumbs up. Look at that. We got a thumbs up from Oren. So what are you and Oren's plans for the rest of the night? Are you going to film a video of him having sex with your girlfriend, perhaps? He ran away again.

That's awkward now. It's a little awkward now. They just met. It's a little awkward. Is that why you're wearing those glasses? So that it looks like a white guy is having sex? All right. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe it is. I love it. Cool it down. Hey, William, you're outside right now, right? Yes, I am. Do your neighbors ever hear you talking about like, like this stuff that you say, like people not liking blacks and stuff like that. Yeah.

I actually got in trouble with her grandparents a couple of nights ago. I was out here on Instagram live at five in the morning and it, uh, bothered her grandmother. So I think I'm about to get kicked out of here. I don't know where the fuck I'm going to go. That's why I've been on edge. Well,

you know what they say? If there's any chance of you getting kicked out of here, I don't know where the fuck I'm going to go. That's why I've been on edge. Well, you know what they say. If there's any chance of you getting kicked out of your girlfriend's grandparents' place during a quarantine, nothing better to do than invite over your black friend, Oren. Yeah. All right, William, we love you. We'll see you next time. The great William Montgomery, everybody.

There he goes. On to the next one. Here we go. There you go. All right. I think he forgot that he has a house. What? He has his own apartment.

Yeah. And he just forgets that he has that, I think. I think, you know, if people are, you know, alone, if they live alone, or if they have a weird living situation and a girlfriend, I think a lot of people are quarantining together right now. That appears to be what he's doing. Oren with his mask on, unlike the hit rapper Future, who indeed says, take your mask off.

Oren keeps it on. Thank you for Oren for joining William during that. William, of course, is William.F.Montgomery1 on Instagram. Let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian or someone trying to do comedy goes by the name of Julian Leiber. Julian. Here comes Julian Leiber, everyone. So my girlfriend keeps telling me I look like I have daddy issues,

but that's only because my dad left me and my mom for his secretary when I was six, okay? Anyways. What's the protocol for when you randomly stumble upon the naked pictures of a girl you've had sex with? And it says escort right there, next to her actual actual name and you kind of went raw dog on her well after getting tested you take a look at the other pictures and try to determine if she just recycled some old photos and send them your way or if your dick was actually worth posing for mine wasn't but I can't imagine my skills at 16 were up to the standards of a 28-year-old potential hooker, right?

This is already all kinds of fucked up. And then I see another gallery, provided by the same uploader, and I immediately, like that, recognize the name and tattoo of my dad's former secretary. And I have so many questions. Is this some kind of unholy dick triangle, where some random guy railed both my dad's and my sloppy seconds did my dad and i bang the same chick and he's just way deep into revenge porn now or was hiring a prostitute just simply his way of showing me he cared i guess i'll never know but it doesn't

matter that sucks beautiful julian liber hey guys Hey guys There it is Alright Julian welcome to the show Where are you calling us from I'm from Manova Germany Wow Look at that Germany Our first true German On the show

How exciting is this How are you man how are things in Germany You know I guess it's the same story everywhere right yeah yeah must be weird for you uh being stuck in germany after uh being the star of don't fuck with cats on netflix i haven't seen that one oh it's about you you should watch it it's a long documentary about you. People in Germany are used to hiding out, though, right? Like under floorboards or inside of little closets.

For sure. Yeah. Wow. So what part of Germany again? Hannover. Oh, okay. It's pretty central. Hannover.

I'm in Hannover right now, eh? You have a what? I have a mean hanover flow i was drinking last night i'm i'm hanover you're you're hanover from hanover full okay wow uh what's hanover known for like a sausage or something right i don't know if it's known for anything it It's the capital of the borough, I guess. It's not that big of a city. Okay. Known for killing Jews. There you go.

That's what we think about the Germans continuously. We'll never let you... You guys have a long time until you're off the hook for that one. I know. I've seen the show. Absolutely. So were your parents or grandparents

involved in World War II at any point? I think my grandfather was in the army, but I don't think he was a Nazi. Oh, yeah. I don't think so, at least. Sure. Whatever. Yeah, I'm sure he fought for the American side

on that war from Germany. That's incredible. Have you ever talked with your grandfather about it? Oh, I haven't met any of my grandfathers. Oh, that's right. That's on your dad's side. Oh, both of them. Both of them died before I was even born.

Oh, okay, yes. Can you say a phrase for us that I think would be entertaining? Say it. No, I swear. Das ist mir was. No, I swear. I love Jews. Oh, I do.

Sure, I love Jews. Wow, look at that. It doesn't. Wow, that was everything I hoped it would be. Incredible. Tony, I'm worried about Jolina. She keeps licking the outside of the cup. I think she got the two-for-one Micheladas at Dodger Stadium.

Oh, my goodness. So this girl that you had sex with that you found on the Internet, was this like a one- night stand or something like that? I wish it was. No. You hung out for what, a few months? Tell us about this relationship. Yeah, maybe for a couple of weeks.

Well, yeah, a few weeks. And the whole thing, how I got to meet her, was kind of crazy in the first place. Go ahead. I met her at a festival and I thought she was a friend of a couple of friends of mine

but no, she just hung around got to the house party with us and she, yeah I think she was grooming me. You think she was what? Grooming me No grooming you yes, absolutely and so what ended up happening there. What type of sexual activities

Did you guys do we know the Germans are into some wacky shit over there that she pissed on you poop on you? What happened? There you go, there's red band approach. Did you poop on you what happened in that pussy there you go there's red band approach did you poop in that pussy no need to answer that go ahead no I think it was pretty vanilla yeah really vanilla yeah I was I was 16 man oh long time ago you Germans always saying oh that was a long time

ago I don't remember I had nothing to do Oh, a long time ago. You Germans always saying, oh, that was a long time ago. I don't remember. I had nothing to do with that. You guys are famous for that. Nothing exciting sexually, though? This seems like you hooked up with a hooker. And was she, wait, how old was she during this? 28.

Wow. Wait, is that illegal in German? Germany? Germany, no. No, they get their soldiers out on the ground early that illegal in Germany? Germany? No. No, they get their soldiers out on the ground early out there in Germany. That's the fucking, you were just a little Hitler youth in there. Running a, running. Usually when Germans run a train on someone, it doesn't end up that well for them, but.

Okay. What do you do for work,ian i'm a student what are you studying i study english and history i was gonna say your english is absolutely incredible are you the only one in your family that can speak it or is that a pretty german thing to know english oh i think it's a pretty German thing. Yeah, we learned in elementary school Let me ask you this you just said, you know all Germans basically in one way or another speak English England people speak English Americans speak English What do you think Hitler would say if he knew that none of us speak German?

However, all the Germans speak English. What do you think? How do you think that would say if he knew that none of us speak German, however all the Germans speak English? How do you think that would make him feel? Wow, this went in a certain direction, right? I don't think he would be too pleased. This went a certain direction. That's what he said, by the way. Oh, my God. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about, Julian?

You ever do stand-up comedy before? Oh, no, this was kind of my first time. Oh, that's awesome. If you can count it as my first time. Sort of. You can sort of count it. I'd say so. Do they have comedy clubs near where you live,

or do they ever do anything like that, an open mic or anything? No, not at all. When I discovered Kill Tony, that was my first reaction to look that up. But sadly, no. What program do you have open on your computer? Oh, that's Cubase.

What does that do? Cubase? You write and record music with it. That's what I thought because I noticed the audio monitor. Do you make beats and different things like that? Yeah, yeah. This is a German guy.

You make German EDM music, right? No, I do electro metal. Can we hear some of it? Can you play some of it? Turn it up for us? Yeah, let's hear some of it? Can you play some of it? Sure. Turn it up for us? Yeah, let's hear some. We're going to hear some real German experimental music here from Julian Leiber. Here we go.

Look at that. He's got a little German guitar. Can you hear that? No. No? No. Oh, that's too bad. Oh, wow.

Okay. Oh, nice one. How about this? Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, nice one. How about this? Yep. No? No, we can hear it. Yeah, we can hear it. Okay.

C. C. Oh, shit. Fuck yeah. Wow. It's like German piss porn music. That's incredible. Oh, thank you so much.

If we're, next time we're in Germany, you're going to have to join the band. Is that okay with you guys? Can Julian? Absolutely. The next time we're in Germany, we would love to have you. There you go. You're going to be in the band next time we're in Germany. we would love to have you. There you go. You're going to be in the band next time we're in Germany. How about that, Julian?

Thank you so much. I hope you come to Germany. I hope that we're allowed to come at some point. Hopefully airplanes and travel and audiences become a thing again. You can hold me to it that when I announce that German date, you figure out a way to contact me, take the proper uh approach and uh we will make sure that you're in the band that night thank you so much there you go julian liber everyone follow him at liber music l-i-b-e-r-m-u-s-i-k here you go. Absolutely.

Okay, your next comedian goes by the name of Thea Thyssen. Let's meet someone else. Here comes Thea Thyssen after some music. Here's Thea Thyssen. It works better when you have me in no after you've done talking stop it no it works better the way i want to do it it's always sloppy when you're like and now the music we're not ready when you say another music i know the music so if i didn't say you're doing the intro don't wait for me just play the music i don't wait or else there's going to be nothing there. Don't play the music again.

No, no. Here you go. Well, no, I wasn't ready. Here you go. Here's Thea Theisen, everyone. Hey, guys. I'm off work because of the pandemic, which is really exciting. I usually never get time off work because I have the strongest immune system.

So, of course, I never get the flu shot either because it's not like you can call in autistic to work, dial it up the next day. Like, hey, sorry, not going to make it in today. I got vaccinated last night and I'm having trouble reading social cues now. I think the most surprising side effect of the quarantine is how quickly everybody got so horny. Like I'm on Twitter trying to distract myself from how horny I am. And every other tweet is like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna fuck my couch keeps looking at me like that you know what they say more cushion for the push-in i did something kind of desperate i posted a picture of my bare ass to

twitter scandalous especially because my dad follows me he wasn't too happy he called me up like what are you some kind of hooker or a cam girl now? And I was like, no, dad, of course not. Just like the U.S. government, I'm giving that stimulus away for free. Boom. Thea Theisen. Real jokes.

There you go. There was some music from the band, and here we are with Thea Theis and everyone. Hi, Thea. Hi, guys. How's it going? Great. How are you? I'm really good.

I'm so excited to be on the show. I love it. We're happy to have you. That was some fun stuff you talked about there. Where are you at right now? I'm in Toronto, Canada. Ooh, Toronto. are you at right now i'm in toronto canada oh toronto the birthplace of so many great comedians so many horrible comedians too but also some great

thea have you ever done stand-up before yeah yeah about a year. Oh, okay, cool. That's awesome. What do you do for work? I work in fine art shipping. Ooh la la. Heck yeah. We just got off the line with a German guy. They famously stole upwards of a billion dollars worth of fine art from the French at one point during World War II. I don't know if everybody knows about that,

but a lot of them taking over France was about them stealing their art. He was a gas. There you go. I have a lot of names with that, actually, but I can't really talk about my work too much on stage, unfortunately, because it's a little bit confidential. Of course, absolutely. That's a good way to keep it.

You work for Banksy or what? We have worked for Banksy, yeah. We installed one of his Toronto exhibitions a couple years ago. A funny one is true, I guess. Wow. Are you under the frame of a bed right now? Yeah, what's with the mosquito nets, eh?

I didn't realize they had a malaria outbreak in Toronto. Are you calling from inside of a pillow? I live in a bed. Those are just my curtains. I love it. You live by yourself? Yeah, I do. Oh, that's cool. That's fun.

So, you mentioned getting horny during the quarantine. What have you done to satisfy that hunger? All you can do a lot of alone time and masturbation. Wow. When you say alone time, what do you mean by that? Just just alone time? Or is that a special name for something? Well, Tony, it's a quarantine. Just alone time or is that a special name for something? Well, Tony, it's a quarantine. Oh, right.

Yes, I don't know why I even asked that question. That was a stupid question on my part. You're right. Alone time in a quarantine makes complete sense. So has your work ended because of this or are you still shipping things? It has ended. I'm back on payroll as of today it's been a really nice month off but yeah I'll be starting to do a few things as borders open up it'll get easier to right shipping that's crazy we just got off the line with a german guy and they're known for shipping on one another during sex they take a ship right now i still gotta drop a fark uh thea um you uh so you're

currently single there in toronto i'm guessing yes how about your last relationship what was that like when how did that end it was in university and it just didn't work out because we didn't want to live in the same place yeah okay and how long did you guys live together we live together for you for a year yeah and like what kind of guys are you into so salvador wants to know what kind of guys you're into i like exotic guys oh salvador you're currently single right yes is there perhaps something you want to do to show this young lady your uh your bachelor status um you know like is there something something you want to do to show this young lady your bachelor status? Is there something you'd like to perform, perhaps a little show to see if maybe she likes you? Do you like Justin Bieber?

I'm Canadian. I love Justin Bieber. She's Canadian. They love Justin Bieber. He's a Canadian too. Here goes Salvador putting on a little show for you. Oh, you've started. Wait a second.

Wait a, okay, wait. You played that earlier. Theo, what do you think? Are you going to fuck Salvador at some point? Yes. Oh! What an easy bit. I mean, those Canadians, they'll just let anybody in.

Hold your phone! Hold your phone! Did you hear what Red Van just said? Nope. You should steal some frames from the frame store that you work at.

You're like one frame per second. Whoa! Wow. Red Van's got bars. Oh my God. He's got framing jokes. Anyway,

I was also framed at one point. I didn't do it. I swear to God. The judge says I did, but I didn't. A lot of people don't know this. It was actually Jolina that framed Roger Rabbit. Please. And that's confidential.

Uh-oh. Patty. Sophia, what else should we know about you? Tell us another fun fact about your life that's interesting I've been told by the producer inside the booth that we have some of your art

on the screen oh wow that's great look at that there's Red Band Tony and then it gets a little wild look at Jeremiah

we have Jeremiah look at look at Look at Jeremiah. We have Jeremiah. Look at Joel Rogan. That's great. That was great. We're just laughing at her to her face. Well, that was pretty good. Me and Tony were pretty good. Yeah, Tony, she spent all the time.

She spent all the time on Tony and Brian, and it looks like I have shoestring hair. Well, look at my beard. It's kind of weird. Look at Chroma Krista. I look like a scoop of ice cream or something. Hey, look, it's Joel Pesci. Chromagrace looks like Luca Magnata.

You really got Jeremiah's nose down on that, though. And his straw hair. Well, you see my beard? My beard is like long hair. You look chiseled. Wait, can we go back to it? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Wow. Look at Jeremiah's nose. Go over to Jeremiah. Wow, look at that. The nose is pretty solid, actually. Look at that. That is a black diamond ski resort on Jeremiah's nose. Let's slowly go over all these.

He looks like Sloane Wilson. Thea's laughing. She has a great sense of humor. Let's get back. Let's talk about red band's beard for a second here he's got a 10 o'clock shadow look at that it's like it's like healthy red band this is from a healthier time it's a different frame this is the end of a hydroxy cut commercial.

And then let's... I have a confession. Go ahead. I drew Red Band and Tony two years ago when you were in Toronto doing a Kill Tony Roadshow here. Awesome. I didn't tell you when I got pulled out of the bucket, but I did not. So I have those on the back burner for a long time

and then when I submitted this week I Then you only had 10 minutes What was my reference of fucking mashed potatoes? Joe Joe looks like Lisa Syhat more than anything. We're lizard meat brothers, me and Lee. Shout out to the Christkidders. Jetski's pretty good.

Yeah, Jesse. Jesse, what do you think about your drawing? I look awesome. Yeah. You look like you got hit by a Jetski. Chris looks like a reptilian shapeshifter. Yeah, Chroma Chris has the open mouth of a blow-up doll. It puts the lotion in the basket.

Oh, my God. And he's receding hair. But then again, that really just basically is Chroma Chris. That's a great drawing of Chroma Chris. I love that. I love a red band turning into a healthy werewolf. You guys look like Bert and Ernie. I mean, I need that picture of Joel blown up.

I just want to wait. I want that. I want that. I don't know. What would that be good? And maybe the kitchen. Tattoo. Just a giant picture of that. Do you think for a week that could be the cover maybe the kitchen tattoo just a giant picture do you think

for a week that could be the cover of the kill tony yeah if ryan j ever needs a week off we can actually mix it we could have the first ever you're the first ever artist whose drawings are as funny as the show it looks like a fucking see ryan j ryan j mixes comedy into the beautiful art. Your art is the comedy. It's incredible. Pretty good. That's what I've always been aiming for. Thank you so much, Tony. I look like a big toe with a face.

It's awesome. That's what everyone says. The best kind of art is the kind that makes you laugh hysterically. I felt something. Always the shipper, never the artist, I guess, is what it's like in the life of Thea Fison. That'd be a good airbrush painting, like on the side of your car or something like that.

What fucking painting are we looking at that we like? No, Thea, I love it. That is so awesome. Anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? What else is crazy about me? I don't know. I'm a dual citizen, so I'm collecting both the U.S. stimulus and all the Canadian payouts, which is great. Whoa, look at that.

Dual citizen. How'd you end up snagging that? I'm actually tri-national. I have three passports so i was born in the states uh my dad was born in canada my mom was born in the netherlands so jolina is a tri-national too she tries to get a passport but she's not allowed not yet i laugh but i can't get over how much i look like a fucking snicker bar or something i don't know yeah i look like i made it with the bucket of destiny yeah let's look at it one more

time let's just let's just zoom in on joel here oh my god oh i look at that oh you have a little mole on his on his eyebrow is that? I love it. I do actually have one. That's actually the best detail. And look, you got the lumpy. Look at the top of his head. Can you zoom into just the top of his head? That's what everybody.

Oh, yeah. Look at that. That's exactly what it's like. A lot of people don't know. Joel was once used as the stick to hit a pinata with when he was a child. Why wouldn't I be the pinata? The stick? Yeah, you were the stick.

You were so tiny. They already had a pinata. It looks like the band dressed up like we have Down syndrome. It is incredible. It's almost like a... Hold on. Go back to it one more time. It's like a Mr. Clean if he actually cleaned your apartment for you.

If he was dirty. Yeah. Mr. Dirty. Drinking the bleach. You got Jolina drinking bleach. All right. Well, this was somehow, Thea, very rarely is the, I'm going to be honest with you, even though it's going to sound mean, Jesse, no offense to be given here. Normally, the female comedians that call into the show are not my favorites, but so far, you're my favorite thing of this episode.

That drawing and your bubbly personality and us going back to you and you laughing at the jokes about your drawing the whole time, which let us laugh even more and harder about your drawing, is a huge highlight for me. Yeah, man. Thank you so much. I've been a fan since the Iron Patriot days. Kill Johnny really got into stand-up. So thanks for giving other people the opportunity to come on the show. This is amazing. I love it.

You got it. Use your dual citizenship when things get booming again come see an episode live sign up live all right there she goes thea theisen everybody here's some music All right. There you go. That was the band playing music, and we have another regular on this show. He is hilarious. We love him. Ladies and gentlemen, genius joke writer, master roaster, the king of dildos and booty holes,

the great David Lucas, everybody, is here. Cool. There you go. David oh shit what was that mr. latex himself that's it that's me the king of late the man who's got it made, Rubbermaid, the latex guru, Tony Hinchcliffe. That's me. How are you? Tony Lubricant Hinchcliffe. That's me. That's it.

T-O-N-Y Jelly. My nigga. What's good, bro? What's going on there, David? How are you, pal? I'm good, bro. I went to the Poppy Reserve yesterday reserve yesterday and a little valid that shit was dope oh wow it's pronounced Popeye

wait hey Joe I've seen that picture that the the children you die you guys should be sick oh shit he thought that was you that's what did I look like, a booty hole? A dildo? You look like a teenage version of Freddy Krueger. And you look like an adult version of Buckwheat. Oh, shit. Oh, God. That was horrible, bro. You can't get canceled during quarantine. Check your village people looking ass up.

So, David, as well as being a great roaster, you're also one of the great writers comedy-wise, stand-up comedy-wise on the show. Have you been writing stand-up or writing new stand-up, perhaps, of any kind, or quarantine stand-up? Yeah. Let me hit you with a joke. Okay.

I actually love it. Let me hit you with a joke. Okay. So, am I the only guy who tries new sex moves on an ugly girl before I try them on my girlfriend? I love that. That's a new joke I'm working on, dog. Heck yeah, let's tag it. What do you guys think?

So how would that go? If you try out new sex... Sex moves on an ugly girl before you actually take them to your relationship. Right. She doesn't get offended when you ask her to wear a mask right now in these times. Baby, I got to put a bag over your head.

It's for the COVID. Yeah. I don't know why that was so funny, Joe. I don't either, but thank you. I needed that. It is funny. We're opening it up to a writer's room. Anthony, Gage, you guys have any tags for his new test-out sex moves on an ugly chick?

Ugly girl. Bringing him back home to your main girl. And then I got another one I can't wait to work out on stage where I talk about being a black suburban kid and comparing my life to a tiger in captivity. Because I'm still dangerous, but I just can't survive in the jungle. But I'm still ferocious enough to kill a white person. And if a cop sees you, they're going to shoot you.

Joe Burr is my new joke, right? you hey did you happen to watch Williams set he talked some shit on you you're black suburban he is a white jeep cherokee there we go yeah and he's uh and i'm i'm doing i'm doing four or five miles a day and he doing four or five six packs a day that's true i will ask you this because i saw a picture of you earlier you're you are uh someone that i follow on Instagram. I think it was on Instagram that I saw this. I saw a picture of you looking much thinner. Is that real or was that a filter? That's all me, baby. You're really doing it, so you really do have a little something up your

sleeve. And by that, I mean a bunch of jiggly skin. Son of a bitch. That's right. Been eating my booty hole dildo cereal getting my brain ready tony you look like the type of nigga that collect dingleberries i actually do i keep them in a box in my dingleberry box box. Yeah, boy. I do. Dingleberries is the only flavor of berry that you don't love.

Hey, Tony. Hey, Tony, you put condoms on hot sauce bottles with your mouth. It's actually funny that you mention that because I actually do do that. Condoms protect against all hot sauce related.

All right. That's fun. So other than walking every day, have you been doing anything with your diet that's different? Walking, jogging, cutting out sugar and shit. Doing 200 push-ups a day, 200 crunches. Wow. Nestle crunches? And if you cut out sugar, what are you sweetening your Kool-Aid with?

I don't drink Kool-Aid, bitch. Oh, heck yeah. It's like all the greats. You know, the Kool-Aid man doesn't get high on his own supply. You drink Kool-Aid and all he does has Kool-Aids. Hey, that's true, actually. Again, everything, all the jokes you guys are saying is true. I have Kool-Aids, which is a type of HIV you can only get from getting butt-fucked by somebody that has AIDS that's super cool.

With sunglasses on. Yeah, it's true. Tony got Kool-Aid when he put his feet in ice water. Hell yeah. Why would I do that? Kool-Aid man. Because it turns your body cold. Because it's Kool-Aid.

That's right. Kool-Aid. That's right. When you stick your foot in some water, that's how you make Roundup weed killer. Oh, my goodness. Wow. You got me there. I love it.

So, David, you living by yourself? Yeah, dog. What else have you been doing? Have you been watching The Last Dance on Netflix via ExpressVPN? Whatever that means. But, yeah, I've been watching that Jordan shit. I'm more of a Magic Johnson fan. Me too.

But I just started watching Game of Thrones today. I'm a Magic Johnson guy too. That's actually who gave me my Kool-Aids. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Magic Johnson guy, too. That's actually who gave me my Kool-Aids. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he did. I once had backstage passes at the Magic Johnson Theater, and I bent over to pick up a popcorn kernel that I dropped, and Magical Johnson dunked on your ass. Wait, that's his full name is Magical Johnson? Yeah. Magic. Yeah. Yeah. Magician Johnson. That's his full name is Magic Johnson.

Magician Johnson. That's right. He dunked his left nut into my butt. That's how it happens, actually. It's the only way to get AIDS is if they dip their nut of their nut sack, one half of their nut sack into your butt. That's how hard you get it. Magic Johnson was fucking with Tony when he was a lakers girl that's true actually i met uh it's crazy enough i met magic johnson while i was at the magic

castle playing magic the gallop yeah when magic johnson practices tony you look like the nigga at the stadium that be throwing peanuts. Wait a second. Why would I throw peanuts? I don't know, bro. You just like to always touch nuts and shit. Well, I mean, don't you like it when people throw nuts at you when you're performing at the circus?

Got him. Oh, shit. What? What if you don't get your tiger trainer to get ass up out of here? What'd you just call me? You a tiger trainer. You look like you make balloon animals.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You look like you make balloon animals with booty hole condoms. That's the sex tricks you're doing on ugly girls hey wait till we get back on stage tony be making balloon animals out of condoms i've hit you with that so hard do it dude i'll write a comeback for that in the meanwhile because we have about i think we have about a year and a half before we're going to be in front of a live audience again no fuck that that's real can someone please isolate that moment of joel completely breaking character and just truly saying oh fuck at that i'm gonna start fixing cars with my dad and shit

just be a mechanic dog i don't know what i fuck. I'm a full Mexican, just be a mechanic. Dog, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't got no fucking work experience. I know. What would you do, David? That's actually a great question. If you had to get a normal job, what would be your first go-to? Footlocker or something?

Shut your racist ass up. You said that you're... You said that you're black... You're gonna start making your own barbecue sauce. Really, man. I could probably do that. You said that you're... You said that you're black suburban. Maybe you could drive for Uber Black.

They love black suburban. My driving record is actually... My driving record is actually too fucked up to drive for Uber, bro. I got too many speeding tickets. Speeding tickets? Looks like you got eating tickets. Who said that? Joe Burr?

Yeah, me. Joe Burr, shut your sack of Jouia licking ass up. Eating tickets. Actually, Joe Cajones. Eating tickets would be the greatest thing to watch someone get a ticket for. I caught you doing donuts in a 65. You know I put you on it.

Red Band don't want to go back to performing. What? Why? You don't want to go back to the stage. He enjoyed laying in bed getting Postmates all day. I mean, it's the same. I did that before. Literally nothing has changed. Redban has been living in quarantine this whole time.

He only got to take a shower one time a week. True. Maybe. Maybe that's true. I saw that you took the time to vacuum your dining room table last night. Yes, it was your bed. You vacuumed your bed? Yeah, we have a little vacuum cleaner right next to it.

What are those, shock backs or the handheld vacuum cleaners? Yeah, I don't know if you guys follow Instagram stories, but i i i you two actually are you automatically slide i don't know if you know this because the algorithm on them that you guys as soon as you post a story you immediately pop up in my top left because i watch your guys's stories relentlessly and i'm pretty i'll just leave it at that i won't say why I watch them relentlessly. Let's just say Tony randomly messages me LOL and I never know what it means. A lot of times it's just something random

and he'll say LOL and I'm like... We should talk about that picture that you posted of you in the bed with no clothes on. I guess you put on Kevin. Yeah. What the fuck was that shit about, dude? That was the creepiest, grossest picture. This is what he does any time you call him on something.

He does this inaudible laugh. There have been times after the show where, like, we're going to take a band photo, and I have, like, the dildo. And he's like, can you put the dildo down? And he'll post a fucking photo in a full-on thong. That's real shit. That's like Craigslist pictures. You have like a folder. Yeah, where'd you get it?

Look at that. Look at that. I mean, that's straight out of Craigslist. Look at those. Dang. Your body shape is unbelievable. This goes along with the one where you made a silly one a couple months ago. So gross.

You look like Venus de Jello. Did your wife be in this picture, by the way? She must have, right? Did you set a timer for that? I mean, that has to be your wife's underwear, right? A pair of her sexy panties or something? Yeah, it's definitely not mine. Wow.

God, it's so gross. What was that, Jolene? Nothing. No, go ahead. I want to know what you were almost saying. It's known that Jeremiah matches his underwear to his characters. That's how insane he is, like getting in the character. We all know from the Lucy Goosies that he wore with the Monopoly man in his underwear to his characters. That's how insane he is, like getting in the character. We all know from the Lucy Goosies that he wore

with the Monopoly man in his underwear. He probably has dongs for all the women characters he plays, jockstraps for the athletes. It's fucking true. It is a real thing. I will wear the underwear that pertains to certain characters. Wow. So, but you understand the reason behind that photo?

Go ahead. Because Kevin Mac posts sexy pics of himself and you want her to be sexy. Well. This is what you think. What you think Kevin Mac is doing. This is what I think he does. Wearing women's underwear.

It's like a parody. It's a heightening in the parody. Wow. Hey, Joe Bird. Oh, shit. What? Out of nowhere. Hey, with that bandana and that wig on,

I just want to say that you look like an Indian Reserve prostitute. You do look like an Indian. Poke a hot ass. Yeah. Poke a hot ass yeah poke a hot ass you're so funny david we absolutely love you we're gonna get fucked for uh pipe tobacco oh my god you're so funny david i love you you're the best check out i'm gonna tell me a lot next week okay some push-ups on air. Okay. You got to wear a mask, though.

One, two, three. Y'all niggas ain't got no mask on. I know, but you're black, David. Come on. I love y'all, man. We love you. David Lucas. He's on Instagram at DavidLucasFunny.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to find another person picked by the producers of Betterbox Studios, Gage and Anthony, before the show. We're moving it along to another stranger. Let's see the comedy stylings of Connor Kokora. Here's Connor Kokora. Music. Kakora.

Here's Connor Kakora. Music. Here goes Connor Kakora. If you're going to have diarrhea, it's probably best if you're the big spoon. I ran out of toilet paper in March. Turns out Colgate whitens more than just your teeth. My mom got knocked up by an Air Force pilot who flew the stealth bomber.

He sure knew how to dump his load and get away undetected. My last Uber driver was deaf. And at the end of the ride, you can leave a compliment. So I said, great conversation. Some people think that white people and black people don't have a lot in common, but I don't think so. I know what it's like to wreck a Chevy Impala. Fuck yeah. Connor Kikora. Hey, what's up, everybody?

Hi, Connor. How are you, man? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm fantastic. I'm going to be honest with you, man? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm fantastic. I'm going to be honest with you, dude. Not often. It's very hard to get me to laugh at a poop joke. But that diarrhea big spoon, that got me. You got me good on that one.

Simple, easy, edited down, perfect. Brian, you're shaking your head no at that. Why is that? I thought Brian would like that. Diarrhea. Is it? Oh, is this one that you've written before? Is this another episode of Redman Wrote It First? I wish I wrote that.

Right. Exactly. I thought you had a filter on your video, by the way, like an eyebrow filter. No, your eyebrows are incredible. Your eyebrows look like Thea Thisn's drawing of the band. I almost wish we could do a side-by-side. I wonder if that's possible to zoom in on his eyebrows

perhaps during his performance. It's like what she threw up my eyebrows. Look at my eyebrows and then look at him. Can we zoom in on those at all? Zoom in on them. Oh my God. It's uncut.

Oh, my God. Can we zoom in on Connor's eyebrows? Is that possible? That's a tough one, huh? Screenshot. Oh, there it is. Can I see my face again? Yeah.

Look at that. Wow. My goodness. That's what Thea Theisen was using. Wait, scoot over to my face real quick. I think it's him. It's Drew. Oh, my God, Joel.

That drawing of you kills me. Oh, my God. I want that as the background on my phone. Take a picture of it right now. And that beard hair of Red Bandit's incredible. Is there anything funnier than bad good drawings?

It's like if it was bad bad it wouldn't be funny but the fact that you can tell someone put time and effort behind it. Can we get her to draw Jeremiah and the thong on the bed? Oh please draw if you're listening oh my god thea theisen you have become an instant legend on the show uh that's at thea theisen t-h-y-s-s-e-n t-h-e-a-t-h-y-s-s-e-n but here we are with connor kakora Connor, have you done stand-up comedy before? Yeah, I've been doing it for about a year.

Heck yeah, man. Where are you at? Denton, Texas, north of Dallas. North of Dallas. How far north is that? It's like 30 miles northwest. Okay. You live out there with your family?

I live here with my girlfriend. Oh, okay. Are you originally from Denton, or she's originally from Denton? No, neither of us are from Denton. I'm from a town in New Mexico, and she's from El Paso. Oh, wow. How long have you two been together? It will be six years in two weeks.

Wow. My goodness. Any special plans for the anniversary? I might, like, you know, make her some salsa or something, you know? Wow. She really is. Too bad you're not single. What kind of salsa? What did you put in your salsa? Probably an El Paso salsa, right? Salsa verde, primo. Salsa verde? Oh, my God. Look at that. not single what kind of salsa what do you put in your salsa probably a el paso salsa right salsa oh my god look at that yeah it's a tomatillos jalapeno serrano you know what it is way jesus christ i was thinking of getting into the barbecue business but maybe i should

make salsa me gusta habanero yeah uh no cilantro no cebolla so connor um you've been on the show before. Is that right? Yeah. Last time you guys were at Hyena's in Fort Worth. Oh, okay. Awesome. How did that go? It went all right.

Heck yeah. Were you there? Probably the only time I haven't bombed. Oh, cool. Oh, you sang a song oh wait yeah from my band i sang like the kill tony's song yeah no i don't think so as in minneapolis yeah wow uh so connor what's the name of your band it's called genius christ genius christ heck yeah it's sort of coming back to me and you guys are a rock and roll band yeah more or less what instrument do you play i play guitar and do most

of the vocals heck yeah that's awesome man you guys uh are you guys performing a lot live before the quarantine? Once or twice a month. We've been wrapping up our first full-length album, and honestly, we haven't even seen each other for the last six weeks. Wow. Crazy, crazy. It's got to be a weird time to be in a band.

You have to work with people. But I guess, I mean, we do it. Anyway. So, Tom, music. Six feet, six feet. but I guess I mean we do it anyway so Tom Music 6B Connor what else about you that we didn't find out the first time that you were on do you think would be interesting for us to talk about what does your girlfriend do for work she is an elementary music teacher

wow look at that how adorable I used to be so bad I do a little bit of I do a little bit of painting on the side oh am i painting of me looking like a fucking thumb oh i would love if that became just a whole new thing for artists out there to do just bad joel drawings and do you have a jewel drawing this week? Ryan Jay is the man. No, we know Ryan Jay is the man. Ryan Jay does good, good drawings.

Ryan Jay couldn't draw that picture that that lady drew of you if he tried. Michael Lair couldn't draw that picture if he tried. Oh, my God. I love it, Connor. So you do some paintings. What else? What else about you? I feel like there's some deep, dark stories here. Dark stories?

I'm not so sure. I got peed on at Boy Scout camp one year. Oh yeah, he was on the show earlier. Julian Leiber from Germany. How did you get peed on at camp? We were working on our wilderness survival merit badge and we had to build a shelter this kid needed to pee he didn't want to get out of the shelter he like ended up stepping over my face and just kind of like gave me a little spritz

wow little spritz a little bit of that Texas shower time. Oh, yeah. The next day, they initiated me into the Order of the Golden Arrow or something, so I wonder if that had anything to do with it. That's right. Nice. Heck yeah. I hear they let you sell

Girl Scout cookies after you get peed on from another man. Anyway, so Connor, interesting stuff man you ever uh you ever been questioned by the police about anything yeah i have actually like what um what are you what what are you doing sleeping in your car with your car on sir are you are you intoxicated please step out of the vehicle that's just about it when you were sleeping in your car with a car on were you in your garage at the time no dude i was outside of my friend's house in high school we were like having a get together and i had gotten i get sleepy when i'm drunk and i didn't want to

be a bummer on the party so i went outside and to sleep in my car and it was cold so i turned it on next thing i know knock knock yeah yeah you got cold did you think when you were getting cold in your car do you think about unraveling your eyebrows and using them as a security blanket let's talk about those for a second because those are those are the two biggest bushes i've seen come out of texas and that includes george and george w made the guy from texas laugh at that one that's how you know that's that's worth a thousand points um so let's talk about those eyebrows do you uh do any upkeep on those or is that just fucking raw dog up there?

What's going on? Man, I shaved down the middle. That's it. Can you come a little bit closer to the camera? Can we get close up to those things? Because those are like, those are really, can you raise them for us? Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Why do they turn into butterflies? Yeah. Yeah. You got a couple fucking, a couple little piss catchers up there from Boy Scouts. All right, calm down. That's where I sell my merit badges, man. I love it, dude. What do people do?

You know, I was never, I never was in the Cub Scouts. I feel like when I was a little kid, I was sort of jealous of the kids that sort of had that, like, scout thing. But now, in retrospect, I'm sort of glad that I wasn't part of it. You were in it? Yeah, I became an Eagle Scout. Wow. It's a lot of camping. Did you just do it for the free cookies?

No. No, because it was a lot of camping. It was a lot of fun, like canoeing and shit like that. It was a lot of camping it was a lot of fun like canoeing and shit like that it's a lot of outdoor campy stuff are you into any of that stuff now like what would it take to get you in a canoe nowadays oh i love canoeing if there was canoeing around here i'll definitely do it but there's not really canoeing much around here it's more like kayaking there are two things that we are doing my friend when this quarantine is up you know what they are in ohio it was rollerblading and canoeing but ohio gravy boats aren't canoes

in ohio canoeing is a lot of fun because you would uh get dropped off at like the top of a like a river or whatever and you just take a big cooler of alcohol, and you just sat there and drank the whole five hours. Like a float trip, right? Yeah, a float trip. And then they would pick you up at the end. Out here, though, there's not really much canoeing. I've tried to look for canoeing out here, and there's not really much

canoeing out here. How hard did you try? Dude, it's pretty... I mean, there's not usually water around here. You went outside your door, looked around, and you're like, nope. dude it's pretty i mean there's not you went outside your door oh no that's fun yeah no it's true it's it's weird california strangely even though there are rivers it's it's it's a weird place for things like that i've been been, I've been, uh, on this show. I once said it's weird. There's not a lot of great fishing around California. And I got destroyed on the internet for saying that,

because obviously everyone in America is like dirt, a Pacific ocean. But I was, I wasn't really counting that. I'm talking about like rivers and lakes. Yeah. Like they have lakes here that have just dried up. Like what's that one?

The Salton sea. Salton sea. Crazy crazy they just pretend like that's a sea and then you drive by it and it there's it's the desert shit yeah anyway um but yeah there's whitewater rafting somewhere just a couple hours away but i'm not positive whitewater rafting fan of white water rafting. Oh, I love it. I've done... Oh, look at that. And if you look, it's kayaking in the ocean. If you look, I said there's kayaking. The guy from Germany

likes white power rafting. If you look at it, it's mostly kayaking and it's mostly in the ocean. For those of you that are just listening to the podcast, the guys in the booth

just brought up canoeing and kayaking in Los Angeles and the map lit up like a coronavirus yeah but these aren't like the kind of canoeing that like you do no it's completely different it's true in ohio where we're from especially if you take a trip down to southern ohio or around west virginia which is extremely close yep done the cheat river in West Virginia. Incredible times. I want to go right now. I'm so excited.

It is wild. It is wild times. Well, Connor Kokora, it was fun to meet you. Thanks for coming on. Everybody good? Anything else? There goes Connor Kokora. Thank you, Connor.

Great to have you back on again. We'll see you in Texas. Connor underscore Kokora. K-O-K-O-R-A Alright, we gotta keep flying through it. Your next comedian, this young lady, goes by the name of Shelby Gonzalez. Here's a little bit of music from the

Kill Tony band. And here is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Shelby Gonzalez. Deeds are always down with the tearful beach. You know, the mascara running down the face and shit. But not so much a tearful, drunken recap of all my past traumas.

They want the gaggage, but not baggage. Being a woman is tough. I'm tired of being empowered. Yeah, I know I can do anything, but I don't want to. Oh, and the rape. Everyone's getting raped now, except me. Always bridesmaid, you know. I definitely have a type, though, when it comes to dating. In fact, I've had more nerdy white dudes in me than the convention center does during Comic Con. So many mentally unstable white dudes have dumped rounds into me. You could call me in elementary school. There it is.

Shelby, that was awesome. Thank you. Where are you at? Phoenix. Wow. Awesome. We love Phoenix. That's great.

Have you done stand-up comedy before? Yeah. I've been doing it about two years now. This time around, I originally started about five or six years ago, and I quit for a little bit, but got back into it about two years ago. Very cool. You had some funny jokes there. The past traumas thing, all that the raped one thing I loved is that you talked about how women have all this freedom now, and you don't want to do anything. And I found that while it wasn't necessarily the most like hoo-hoo-ha-ha joke,

I found it interesting because I don't ever hear women sort of taking that approach ever. Is that a longer joke normally that you have more beats to in a regular stand-up set or just sort of a new idea or something that's just a one line? really a longer joke i mean that's just kind of the one one of the ones i kind of stuck in there with the whole you know women being empowered shit like i still like having doors open for me you know i right i don't i don't want to do everything myself right of course. When you talk about past traumas, what are we talking about here? Let's talk about your... Family shit, you know. Growing up with an emotionally abusive mother that didn't care about me.

That comes up a lot. Well, that makes 11 of us. Yeah, really. I actually had a real physically abusive mother. She used to pull guns on me and knives. Now what do you do? I do the same to my kids, man.

Pass it on. That is a breakthrough. Wait, was that my mother? Telling Joel to just play the drums? Oh no, Joel, Joel. It's okay. Sit back down. Oh no, he's leaving. Oh, no, Joel, Joel, it's okay. Sit back down. Sit back. Oh, there he... Oh, no, he's leaving.

Oh, this is strange. This is going to be a very rare occurrence where Joel walks off. I wonder if he's perhaps doing a character change or something like that. Needs to use the banyo. Oh, the restroom.

So, Shelby, other than an emotionally abusive mother, what else? Anything else interesting? I make websites in my spare time. I've been doing that as kind of like a side gig for a couple years now. Was laid off from my job about a month ago because of all this corona shit. What was that job? I do, I'm a POS systems analyst. Essentially I help employees and franchisees

of restaurant chains set up, install, and upgrade their point of sale software and equipment. Nice. Heck yeah. You have a boyfriend there in Phoenix? No. No, living the single quarantine life. What have you been doing to pass the time they're all alone

i've been watching a lot of 90 day fiance oh yeah yeah good stuff i heard that's good yeah it is good i actually i actually caught up on quite a bit of that start with the first season i was really surprised to learn how many other people like are ashamed that they watch it but are like cool and not you know the typical like housewife mom kind of person that watches that i'm i'm really surprised i get to like talk to other cool people about that show how many other people actually watch it it is incredible it's just a gif of a train wreck over and over and over again. These people that are just being used and they have no idea. It is absolutely awesome. I mean, you'll just see,

you know, you'll be flipping through the channels and you'll see just this voluptuous, you know, big breasted, you know, ridiculous woman with her ass cheeks and tits hanging out. And then it'll cut to some guy who's with her that looks like the drawing of joel from thea bison and it's weird it's like these two things do not belong together and it's weird how some of them actually survive like and you're like how the fuck did this actually survive like the first season that weird cross-eyed chick she's got i'm not sure which season i i've caught up on there my the my one of my favorite ones oh yeah that guy's out of control sure but one of my favorite ones

there's actually two of them one of them the guy is with a beautiful latina girl and he's just a fucking whiny dork i mean just this you know i just don't i just don't know if i yeah i don't i don't know if i'm ever gonna get her to love me oh i like her and you don't realize like you just want to slap him and go dude you're a fucking bitch change your attitude first of all i mean if you had some fucking swagger you could be giving this girl a good time anyway and then the other one really my true favorite is this uh there's this one with a young she's a young sort of not really that young i guess she's actually i would guess probably early 30s and she bagged this like 21 year old jamaican dude that literally is like look if you don't have sex with me two three times a day i'm gonna cheat like he says that like at the top and

sure enough it takes no time i think he cheated on her like during their wedding or something like that basically like oh the show's just unbelievable yeah it's just endless drama i love it one that i hate is uh love is blind have you guys caught any of this oh it's just dog shit i hate that show oh i hate it i love it i watched a couple episodes of it and there is that one woman i think she's the one that's like universally hated on that show i just i couldn't get past it i wanted to keep watching but i could not i couldn't yeah love is blind is so fucked up that the women on that show look like the drawing of joel anyway i just want this to turn i just want more table wine to start blowing me like

have you guys seen the newest episode of Real Housewives all of this stuff is on in the background at a lot of the current quarantine current quarantining that I'm doing obviously you know what I mean yeah a lot of a lot of the current quarantine um current quarantining that i'm doing obviously you know what i mean yeah a lot of a lot of people like it a lot of lady shows a lot of these shows with the women i watch a lot of animal crossing playthrough videos you do yeah are you one of the animals are you one of the animals crossing hey all right Shelby, anything else crazy we should know about you? Any fun facts about Shelby? You have any special skills or talents you could show us? You seem like the kind of chick that knows how to, like,

vape using your nostrils or something. I'm really into computer shit. Like I said, I do a website building on the side. I'm about to graduate with my degree in computer programming in May, so super psyched about that. Are you bummed that you won't be able to do a ceremony?

Oh, dude, I was so bummed about that. Yeah, a lot of people are bummed. I've been on and off with this for years trying to get this fucking degree, and I found out I couldn't even walk. I feel like they'll probably redo it after a after a couple months yeah i'm thinking so too but i just i you know i've been waiting for so long and the fact that they're even gonna reschedule it kind of bummed me out but i see you have uh i see you have tattoos on you um do you

like all of your tattoos or is there any that you uh regret or anything like that anywhere not really i think all my tattoos are pretty dope. Is that pizza? Is that pizza? It is pizza. I have pizza and I have a photo. Oh, my goodness. Is that a gremlin behind you?

Oh, that's my Furby. Furby. Oh. That's Furby. My Furby is below my waistline. And in between my legs. Gosh, he's hot. Furby. below my waistline and in between my legs. Well,

Shelby, thank you so much for coming on the show. Awesome jokes. Awesome style. Keep writing, keep doing it. Extend out that. Don't want your freedom.

Women thing. You could have a real, you could have a real, your own voice sort of, as I think, feel like as a female comedian comedian if you use that not only as a joke but sort of like as an outline of yourself to sort of take a different approach than you know so many women also watch ali wong's special their opening joke is all that oh really just make sure you don't do the same. Proof Tony Hinchcliffe's never watched an Ali Wong special once and for all.

Right here live. I know. Two Wongs don't make a right. Okay, there goes Shelby Gonzalez. She's on Instagram at Shelbsterina. S-H-E-L-B-S-T-E-R-I-N-A. And with no further ado, ladies and gentlemen,

comes my favorite part of the night. Every single week, this guy boggles my mind. I absolutely love him. Everybody knows it. He is the reigning, defending, Kill Tony champion of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you super regular Michael Lehrer, everybody. Here's Michael, everyone. Hey.

Hey. Hey, roses are red, violets are blue. If I turn blue, call 911. Oh, blue cross, blue shield. Yeah, they fucked me. Oh, oh. They fucked me. Oh! Mary, Mary, quite contrary.

I'd fuck the pussy. You got stares, bitch. Oh! Put these in your pocket and help me with my jacket. Little Bo Peep lost her sheep to mad sheep disease. Now to pay the bill, Bo Peep gets down on her knees. Oh! Old Mother Hubbin went to the cupboard

to get her boyfriend his pills, which she liked to taste. So the pills went to waste, and now Michael is dead. Oh! Michael is dead. Oh! Little Jack Horner sat in the corner because his legs don't work.

Then he spent all his money on strip clubs watching Big Black Ashes twerk. Oh! Mary had a little lamb in a slight case of downs. She had the strength of 100 men in trouble, keeping off the pounds. Oh! Thank you. Heck, thank you.

Heck yeah. Beautiful. A surprise performance by the great injured Dice Clay. He was on the show a few weeks ago. He's back. How are you, sir? I got a fan. They're like, I'll send you some Vicky.

I'm like, what's Vicky? They're like, it's energy healing, like no touch. Fuck you, Vicky. I want that touch healing. They're doing the no touch, but they're humming like they're coming with the Ricky. Fuck you and your fucking Ricky. Hell yeah, absolutely. Did you try it at all? Because it might work.

Yeah. Have you tried Ricky, Tony? No, I haven't. I tried a guy named Ricky once. I gave him Matt Kool-Aids. Yeah. I am Ricky. My crazy life.

You are living Levita Loco over there. Wow. So What's up? Levita Locomotor. Living Levita Locomotor. Wait, what?

Hey, thanks again for the text you gave me yesterday. when things get back to normal you can try my chair yeah i know he's been wanting to it looks like mario card for real it seems fun actually riding in his chair yeah motorized chair that's pretty cool oh yeah you'll definitely know comedian before i was sick of course i got the funnest chair you tell me absolutely that's why he's wearing a shirt that says dice on it because both of those things get rolled regularly yeah look at all the photos of kill Kill Tony he has on the wall. Oh, look at that.

You do have a little cool spread of Kill Tony pics back there. Is that your normal setup? Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you haven't noticed, I'm disabled. I don't your fucking show. Oh my God, I love that so much. I love that so much.

Yeah, but let me... These are my LA and Buffalo show posters that Coletteette my nurse slash girlfriend printed out at the Target and they mail them. It's real cool that that squad one's up there.

Any paintings of me? Fuck yeah. Yeah baby. I'll raise you a kid. I love that man. I'll raise you, kid. I love that, man. I love it. That's a great backdrop. So what else has been going on this week of the quarantine for you, Michael?

I didn't almost get into a fight last night. Maybe a stabbing, maybe a shooting. Oh a shooting oh tell us more i gotta know about this well you know how i posted about my troubles with um smoking weed on my balcony yes yeah i know all about that. Yeah, so I'm in a plague, and, you know, I'm not compromised, but obviously I've had better days. So now I have to go outside and smoke weed, right? And I'm posting up out front in my apartment. And I'm posting up out front in my apartment. And if you don't know this about me, I'm going to die on my sword.

No one can front on me. I'm not a chick. I'm not a bitch. No one can play me. You're goddamn right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm sitting out there in my wheelchair, nighttime, glasses, mask, gloves. And this guy comes up and he goes, hey, man, can you let me inside?

And I'm like, bro, you know I can't do that. I have a responsibility to the other tenants. And then he got real mad. He was meeting a friend. And then under his breath, he started calling me a bitch. And I was in the mood. And I liked to talk shit most of the time people don't do anything so I go I'm not a bitch take that back I'm protecting the other tenants take that back and he goes yeah man you better shut up. And he was reaching around at his waist. He's like, you better relax.

I'm like, I can't walk. All I do is relax. Take that. I'm not a bitch. And it got heated. And we had that really, like, alpha, alpha eye contact. And it was exhilarating. The time of my life.

That shit ain't got nothing on six legs, baby. Oh, my God. I love that. That's like an episode of Game of Thrones, because in the end the guy in the wheelchair won it all exactly man i'm the brown eyed raven i'm gonna be the pink eyed raven and when i get through with all these singles holy shit i love it is that a new neck brace you have i just noticed when you turn your head a bunch of different directions that you have a new neck brace on you know injured ice clay got like

12 neck braces i got the baker's dozen i love that where do you get them from I love that. Where do you get them from? Amazon. Amazon. Fuck your small business. Yo, all you small businesses, all men, women, grandmas and uncles, fuck yourself. Amazon, baby.

I love that take. I love that approach. Fuck all the small businesses. Let's monopolize everything. I think we should all have cafeteria-style meals here in America. Unified meals, unified healthcare, unified everything. Let's just have the government pay for everything and wonder how it gets paid. But check out Michael Er's website. Yeah.

But check out Michael Laird's website. Yeah. MichaelLairdComedy.com and go down the rabbit hole of my brain and several years of my brain on amphetamines. Ooh, that's exciting. What a twist. Yeah. Guess what bits were written on amphetamines. What a twist. Yeah. Guess what bits were written on the enemies. I love that.

My goodness gracious. That's an exciting game. I like to play that. I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, a game not at your house, but guess what drugs I used to write which bits. Mm-hmm. For sure. I love it.

Well, anything else crazy we should talk about, Michael? Well, I feel like we're coming to the end of the plague. And I feel like sooner than later later we're going to be back and it's going to be like this shit never happened. My son's going to be back in L.A. and we're going to be at the Comedy Store and it's going to feel new again and I've been engineering a way

for me to perform downstage where every comic performs. I no longer will be on the bandstand. I will be a real comic, a normal boy, and I will perform downstage in the main room, I think, of the Comedy Store. Absolutely. And, you know,

that's an interesting thing I don't think a lot of people know about is that there's stairs that surround the main room stage, even though technically the main room stage, even though technically the main room is on the first floor, the regular level street level of Sunset Boulevard. There's a lot of single stairs and double stairs and triple stairs to get up to the back of the stage and on the stage and then even lower on the stage. and there's two offset unbalanced stairs to get down from

where you normally perform down on the red part of the main stage and uh well before you told me that you liked performing up there if you want to come down to the uh red level of course we would love to have you how are you going to do it suicide dive um one um one uh i'll keep it a surprise absolutely dude if you get up out of that wheelchair and start walking we're gonna lose our minds dude I wanna say some

no that's not gonna happen no what I'm gonna say is in reference to stupid fucking comments like that, that I get all the time. Yeah. People are like, why don't they carry him? Ah, what pussies, Hollywood, we are pussies.

They let him. Here's the thing. You don't know shit about my disease, what it does, all that. So shut the fuck up. All I do is solve problems. I solved another problem. I will never do a set on that band stand again i'll be rocking the motherfucking crowd you're goddamn fucking right and i cannot wait projections are looking like perhaps as early

as june or july we could be back in business my guess is we're gonna be right where we left off, big, packed, sold-out audiences, high energy, and hopefully business will be a-booming soon. So I'll be looking forward to that. Michael, we absolutely love you. You are undeniably one of the greatest performers to ever be on this show. Every single week, you blow our minds. You're a goddamn inspiration and, of course, an American hero. minds. You're a goddamn inspiration and, of course, an American hero. I love

you guys, and you and all the listeners and all the people I talk to are truly the best medicine, and I can't say that enough.

We love you, Michael. The great Michael Lehrer, everybody. We fucking love you, you pal we'll see you next week there goes Michael MichaelLairComedy.com is his website at SteveMartian69 is his Twitter and at MichaelLairComedy on Instagram is his Instagram

handle but before we go, uh, even though he is basically completely unfollowable, we always give one last stranger a chance preselected by the better box team here, Anthony engage. Uh, let's see our final comedian of the night.

It looks like his name is Joshua Bergman. Here he is. Joshua Bergman. Here he is, Joshua Bergman. Hey, Kildoni. How's it going? So if I was British, my Tinder profile would be, uh, my name is Wenzel and I like to go for long winks on the beach. So it turns out those people protesting 5G were right. After all, 5G does transmit cancer. Because it transmits Twitter. So I lived in Japan for 10 years. I'm married to a Japanese lady. We got three kids. What can I say? The Japanese like it raw. How come we never got bidets over

here? They got the fancy bidets in Japan. We need to we need to bring that over here. I think it's the marketing. Bidet sounds so French. So soft. Name it like the pooper blaster. It sounds like crazy. All right. Love you, guys. There you go. A minute from Joshua Bergman.

Hi, Joshua. How are you, man? Good. How are you doing? Good. Where are you calling us from? I'm in Dayton, Ohio. How are you, man? Good. How are you doing? Good. Where are you calling us from? I'm in Dayton, Ohio. Whoa.

Dayton, Ohio. I love it. State Farm Insurance. That's right. The fifth best city in Ohio. You born and raised there, I take it? No, I grew up in Virginia. Oh, wow. rare dayton upgrade

hard to do uh so wow you're like one of the wonderful whites of virginia or whatever is that west virginia yeah is that a thing i like that your family like uh make moonshine and things like that no northern virginia not the country people let's see this asian wife she's sleeping oh even better wow jesus frightening frightening red man is becoming more and more of doing old creepy dad jokes yeah no i love it i love it he's he's definitely falling into his uh his ways so you lived in japan that's pretty sweet yeah it's great what did you do in japan just go to school or sweet and sour um so my dad was a contractor. That's how I went there.

Contractor for the government at one of the military bases there. And I just liked it there, so I stuck around. I worked at Pizza Hut for a while on a military base. Oh, yeah. Some fresh Japanese cuisine. Pizza Hut. It was on the American military base. Wow. There's that nice strip club right next to it. They got that stuff out there

for the american people man red band was hard when you were talking about your sleeping asian wife but you said pizza hut and he just came in his pants pizza oh he's anti-pizza hut and that surprises me normally you like a lot of those corporate chains i like dominoes and papa john's same thing every other corporate dominoes papa john's little caesars digiorno godfathers fresh brothers fresh brothers and Papa John's. Same thing. Every other corporate chain. Domino's, Papa John's, Little Caesar's, DiGiorno. Godfather's. Fresh Brothers.

Fresh Brothers is good. It's really good. They have those good sweet peppers. That's like their specialty, I think. CeCe's. I love it.

We love our pizza here at Kill Tony. Boy, oh boy. Pizza Street. We famously love pizza. Blaze, one of our favorite date places. I live near a Blaze, and sometimes Jeremiah comes over,

and I take us out for little fresh-made pizzas, get them fresh out of the oven. It's like Chipotle, but for pizza. I actually bought those deep-dish Chicago pizza, that famous deep-dish. No, not these. Yeah, and got three of those. I didn't know how good it was going to be.

Man, it is insanely good. It's insane. The frozen ones. Because Brian didn't come with us when we were in Chicago, right? Yeah, that's right. If we went during the day to anything, then the answer is no. It's fine. I'll just get it shipped to Burbank.

I love it. So, Joshua, tell us more. What do you do now? So now I work as a software engineer. Oh, okay. And contracting. Okay. That's fun.

Is this an office? Do you have your own office there in Dayton? No, this is the basement of my parents' house. Oh, okay. So your wife is staying with you at your parents' place? Yeah. Okay, so it's just the four of you, or is there more in the house? My parents, and we got three kids oh you and your wife have three kids yeah wow look at that asian american children

yep those have to be cute cute kids yeah do they have a cute asian names or the names like charles and bob so it's it's paul james and silas what was the last one super white names it seems like there are a lot of Asian pals. Pals? Pals. P-A-U-L? Yes. Yeah? I know a lot. Oh, I didn't know that.

Huh. Interesting. What was the third name you said? Cyrus? Silas. Silas? Silas? Silas.

Satellite? S-Y-L-A-S. Oh. Satellite. What was that? What was that? Was that your wife's idea? No, it was my idea. No, it would have been Cyrus if it was your wife's idea.

What made you come up with Silas as a name? I actually thought of the name. It's a character in League of Legends. Silas. Silas. Silas. Yeah, Silas is the name. Are you a big gamer? Character in League of Legends. Stylus. Stylus. Stylus. Yeah, Stylus. Who's the name?

Are you a big gamer? Stylus? No, nothing. I'm trying to... Salvador is creating a segment over here. Stylus? He's still guessing names in the middle of a show that we moved on two minutes ago. Papyrus?

Papyrus. Yes, that's the name. Final answer, Papyrus. You got it right, Salvador. Salvador! Give attention to Salvador. Okay. Joshua, so what do you do for fun?

How do you pass the time? I mean, you have three kids. When they're not keeping you busy, what else? Other than League of Legends. Tell us something fun. And I try to make games i do some programming oh my goodness you make games what kind of games uh what kind what kind of games have you made uh just trash games you know working on it gaming experience they're pretty garbage though heck yeah i love that um anything uh crazy about

your uh in-laws was it is it crazy having real japanese in-laws would did you have you ever visited their place and it was like uh you know the set of parasite or something like that i never saw the movie, but nothing crazy. The famous Japanese film Parasite. There's actually fans watching this episode right now, streaming inside of virtual reality right now. There's a whole movie theater, like an IMAX movie theater, and people are sitting

virtually watching this while it's streaming right now goodness wow look at that podiatrist yes it's podiatrist is the third child's name podiatrist it's a character from league of legends and also the baby was born a foot doctor. So Joshua... Bo Cyphers? Oh, God. All right. God damn it, what was I going to say? Other than programming things and making games

and things like that, how do you play with your kids? Any fun games that you have to play with Japanese kids? Like, you know, you ever play in the bathtub and play a little game of Pearl Harbor where they splash the water in your face because you're the American? You ever play a game called Shower Duck?

Everyone knows about Shower Duck. Thank you, good night. Do you have any parenting tips for us? No, just have fun. I love that. How old are your kids? The oldest just turned four. The second one is three,

and the younger one will be one in December. When you get angry, have you ever let a racial slur slip out on accident when you're yelling at them? Yeah. No. You ever say, oh, Cyrus japped his pants. I mean, crapped his pants.

He got a nuke in his pants. God, you must have your hands full. Thank God for the parents helping you out there, though. Yeah, it's nice. No, they're pretty easy. Yeah. Dim some crazy kids you have. Also Chinese.

Cute little dumplings they have. I mean dimples. These Jap kids. Anyway. So that's fun. Japanese kids, sleeping Asian wife. How long has she been sleeping for? Are you sure she's sleeping? Are you sure she's sleeping or did she just look like she's sleeping? She's been sleeping for are you sure she's sleeping are you sure she's sleeping or did

she just look like for about an hour or two i'm glad this hat also doubles it's the wicked witch of the west everybody look at the hat and the nose look at this it's like if joe exotic was a pilgrim when you add it down, you look pilgrim-y. All right. Well, I love it, Joshua. I love it. Dayton, Ohio.

You got three kids. Do your parents help a lot with them? Yeah. That's awesome, man. That's awesome. You ever catch your parents having sex? Do you think they're still banging? No. Are you sure about that yeah i'm pretty sure let's ask them are they are any of them awake right now maybe i'll catch him right now there's one here ah damn it he pans in the corner his

father is just masturbating bigger than me gotcha man you're so crazy i love it all right joshua well thank you so much for calling in and chatting with us you're the final comedian of the night here on kill tony hey have you done stand-up before hold on wait no no there's uh what is that go bananas now there's a uh improv what's in Dayton? Funny Bone. Dayton Funny Bone. Ah, that's right. I did that with Burt Kreischer back in the day. Yeah. Did the tornado tear through your house or anything?

There was bad tornadoes through Dayton. Yeah, it was right by us. Yeah, they tore down that strip club we went to. The living room, rest in peace. That you went to. Or was that the only night that I went? Yeah, that was the one we went. the living room rest in peace that you went to or was that the only night that i went yeah that was the one you went oh my god chicks out of my face disgusting absolutely vomitile was that with haddish yeah no yeah yeah it was oh god oh it was like blood involved or

something right it was a smell the next the day, we're like getting into the car, and I'm like, Tony, smell my lip. It still smelled. Yeah, and I almost threw up. Because you did it. You smelled his lip? No. The weird thing is his lip smelled like that before the strip club.

Oh, it's a yeast infection. The stripper was going around going, smell my pussy. It smelled like that guy's lips. All right. There goes Joshua Bergman, everybody. Joshua Bergman is Joshua B3RG. And before we go, we get to check in with the great house artist, the one and the only Ryan J.E. Belt.

Now, look at that. That there is a good, good drawing here on Kill Tony. Dude, I wish you would have drawn Joel as a joke, though, somewhere ridiculous. Oh, that would have been so funny. Oh, my goodness gracious. I love this. Jesse looks like goodness gracious. I love this. Jesse looks like a legend. Joel, absolutely.

That's me. That's Red Band and the Cats. Is that Jeremiah in the front? Yeah. Wow. That's great, man. Oh, that's beautiful. The number one thing an artist loves to hear is, is that?

Right. Well, he's wearing. The number one thing an artist loves to hear is, is that? Right. Well, he's wearing a luchador mask. What? No, that's Brian. No, that's Brian. Right. You are the golden pony in the room. I got it.

I got it. I got it now. I got it. Absolutely. And I have the guitar. Yep. And Joel is in the middle. Smoke's coming out of Tony's ears.

It's true. William Michael L Lair David Lucas I absolutely love it, Ryan J how you doing how you holding up during all this man I could stand to get out yeah why don't you come hang one of these times come hang one of these Mondays

grab some pizza and chill in studio with us. Yeah. No, that sounds like a great idea. Let's do it. Let's have a date. We'll have him and David Lucas in studio next Monday. Maybe we'll start rotating people back into studio slowly but surely. We're so grateful to Betterbox Studios, the great Gino, everybody here,

Anthony Gage for all their help continuously every week. It's unbelievable. Buy a candle at damngoodco.com. Buy a poster at ryanjebelt.com. Buy the new Kill Tony shirt at ryanjebelt.com. Buy an old poster or a road poster or anything. Get it framed. All these things look amazing.

Look, it's on our set. Those are straight from my walls in my own house here in Los Angeles. Smells like booty holes. Yeah, that's how you know it's from my place. The sweet smell of booty holes and dildos because I

am so gay. Such a gay man. So much stuff up my butt right now. I feel like I may have forgotten something up there. Is it me or is there a gerbil in my butt? Oh, there it is. There's the sweet, sweet sounds of a gerbil. Ryan J., did you get to see Thea Thyssen's drawing of the band at all today?

Yeah, I'm going to on joel's nose tweak is it i'm gonna make him make him definitely more like ice cream is bad art as funny to you as it is for us or is it like a comedian watching bad comedy and you get grossed out no you know long as people having fun doing it they they can do whatever they want to do i love it i like your style we actually just got word gauges informed us that thea thyssen believe it or not has sent in another drawing are we going live over there right now oh my god wow she did that so fast. That is incredible. How is that drawing better than the other drawings of the band?

I'll put my face on that. We literally made her a better artist here on Kill Tony. My butt crack goes all the way up my back. Yeah. That's it. You have a very pronounced spinal column. That thing is like a... Is that Tower 2 on 9-11?

It looks like my body is a dick. It does. Oh, there it is. Absolutely. I already have my new background on my phone. This is my new full-time background. Yeah, absolutely. So this has been another episode of Kill Tony.

Fun stuff happening. We're still doing it. Vito's Pizza. No doubt about it. If you're getting pizza in the Los Angeles area, that's the only way to go. MyBookie.ag. They double your first deposit. Use the promo

code KILLTONY. You spin you when you get paid. And ExpressVPN. I mean, seriously. This thing is a fucking game changer. You can go to Netflix, watch The Last Dance when it comes out by switching to a global location. You can do anything.

German porn? Hey, I'm in Germany now. You wanna watch anime? Go to Japan. Anything can do anything. German porn? Hey, I'm in Germany now. You want to watch anime? Go to Japan. Anything you're into. And you'll be amazed when you look at the porn. There's some places, you know, we have tougher laws than other countries, so you can go to some of these countries and see some porn you're not really supposed to

see. Yeah, hello. Does the idea of a woman blowing you so hard that she vomits profusely entertain you? Express VPN, switch everything to Germany. Spoiler alert, the switch goes to Germany for all the crazy stuff. Dates coming up, supposedly. Miami, Austin, Houston, San Fran, Sacramento, Tacoma, Washington, D.C., Salt Lake City.

Supposedly, these things are all happening. Supposedly, the curve is flattened from the latest projections I've seen in June or July here in California. So things are moving along at a safe rate. So let's just keep it moving here. The great leader of the band, Jeremiah Watkins, joined us here tonight. He's on Venmo with Jeremiah Watkins. You have a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders out. With Chappelle Lacey this week.

With Chappelle. You know, that's all you need to know. He's got Chappelle on his show. Just say that. Chappelle Lacey. Or maybe it's, who knows? I'm not even going to say who it might be. But it's Chappelle Lacey.

Yes. Yes, it's Chappelle. I got Chappelle. Jeremiah-Watkins on Venmo. And I did this thing, this project that I just released on YouTube from Kill Tony and – mostly Kill Tony and some other shows. It's 100 of my characters that I've collected from over the years. I put it all in one video on my YouTube, which took a long time. I've been watching you do that

for years now. I've been watching you make a compilation of all the characters and what's wild about that is that you've done so many of the characters multiple times. There's all these memories with these characters from around the world.

So much fun. It's going to be great for you. Like an in-memoriam type video. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He was on fire almost the whole time. Joelino, what's up?

What else? Nothing. I love you guys. Let's fucking keep it moving. Stay positive. He's an official Ludwig artist. If you're into drums at all, you know the best brand in the world is Ludwig. Venmo Joel. He's drinking Clorox bleach.

Yeah. Joel Dash Jimenez. He is on social media mostly sorry. Oh, yeah. I lost a lot of followers from the thong picture. So if you could follow me back i promise not to post any more thong photos you think it was kill tony fans that unfollowed you absolutely i saw a couple people like absolutely i got i got multiple messages and uh from my body being on kevin's uh he lost 400 in one hour. Oh, my God. And I ended up losing like several hundred over the span of a week because I left my picture up because I'm a ride or die guy. Yeah, you're a ride or die guy, a.k.a. nothing to lose.

The great Jesse Johnson, of course, the amazing social worker, was here with us all night. An amazing job, as always, by you, the great Jetski Johnson. Brum, brum, brum. So I've only been a social worker for an hour, but it was really hard. So just shout out to everybody out there. Shout out to all the essential social workers out there. Jesse is, of course, at Jetski Johnson, all one word. So follow her on

everything, Twitter, Instagram. Of course, Red Band? Check out my virtual reality show. It's Virtual Red Band. It's on youtube.com slash redband. 30 episodes already and a lot of Kill Tony fans and we all just get together and we do Kill Tony shit, like

watching Kill Tony right now. It's a lot of fun. And of course, Brothers in Cursive and Dead Air, DeathSquad.TV. Thanks, guys. There you go. We did it again. Ladies and gentlemen, have a great day. See you next week.