KILL TONY - KILL TONY #453 – QUARANTINED #8

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/04/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe.

And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Better Box Studios for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, I'm right here, everybody. Exciting stuff. Glad to be back.

We are live streaming around the world using our friends over at YouTube. And exciting to be here. Red Band, how are you? Great. How are you, man? I'm great. Yeah. It's good to see you once a week.

Good to see you once a week, too. That every night stuff was getting pretty... Pretty bad. Yeah. I resetted my sleep schedule this week. I'm now waking up at 6 a.m. 6 a.m.? Yeah.

Yeah? How many mornings have you woken up at 6 a.m.? Three or four. Wow. It sucks. It really sucks. Why does it suck? Because it's like nothing's open times two.

Like nothing's open already. Have you ever thought about buying yourself a nice espresso machine and making your own drinks i do i have that so what do you what do you need open well just anything to do like you wake up at 6 a.m and it's like what what am i doing but what do you know what would what do you do normally i would probably go to like starbucks probably go to the store what store like best buy or some kind of nerd shit or you know just do something like go out of the house and go somewhere but like 6 a.m it's right right now 6 a.m is even worse it's crazy well that's good it's it's good that's healthy for you what time are you going to bed like 11 wow it's great it's no that's great you're finally sleeping like a man your age

less drinking too that's great yeah that's essential you're finally sleeping like a man your age less drinking too that's great yeah that's essential for you yeah absolutely essential how about how about food what kind of food have you been well you know i've been ordering a lot of postmates yeah yeah no it's the best stuff in the world yeah absolutely i i had some veto's pizza today from our good friend charlie here absolutely delicious he made us an incredible baked potato pizza. And I actually had Postmates for lunch. Me too. I had delicious, delicious Postmates.

What was it? Oh, it was tacos today. Yeah. I had delicious carne asada burritos. You can only get here in California, the best Mexican food, other than Mexico, perhaps. If you're like me, you probably start thinking about what to eat for dinner while you're eating lunch.

That's what I do. I love food, and that's why I love using Postmates. But I kind of love them for even more than that right now because I can get food delivered without leaving the house or even opening the door. Given what's going on in the world, they created non-contact deliveries. So now when I order from local restaurants, everything gets left right outside my door. Oh, it's great. They have a little mat that they put down and they put your food right there. They have Postmates Pickup also, which I've been using to order takeout from my favorite local

restaurants. And that's important. Listen up. You guys need to be supporting your neighborhood spots right now. I've only been ordering local because it's a great way to support my community. The place near me, Talleyrand, they even had to go Bloody Mary's the other day. And so I ordered some Bloody Mary's and a nice breakfast. And Postmates doesn't just deliver burgers and sushis. Sushis, that's plural. They actually make my life easier by picking up everything I need from Walgreens and 7-Eleven and dropping it outside my door. Just download Postmates on iOS or Android, find your favorites, and get anything you want delivered in an hour. And for a limited time, Postmates is giving our listeners $100 of free delivery credit for the first seven days.

$100. To start your deliveries, download the app and use the code KILLTONY. All one word. That's code KILLTONY for $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days when you download the Postmates app. Anything you need, anytime you need it, Postmate it. Yeah. And after you eat all that, Postmates, guess what you gotta do? Go poopy!

Make a poopy! Out of your butt butt! There's a toilet paper shortage. Everyone has an ass. Everyone deserves the gift of tushy. Wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does not remove all the shit. If you got poop on any other part of your body, would you wipe it off with dry paper? Hell no! Water cleans better with dry paper? Hell no.

Water cleans better than dry paper, my friends. Thankfully, there's now a sleek bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water. It's called Tushy, and it's the best thing you could do for your butt. Tushy sprays directly to your ass and removes the poop completely, so you aren't sitting on bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, and skid marks. You saying skid marks makes me happy and bidets make me happy

because they're common in the rest of the world. You know, when I went to Japan, every place had them, like public restrooms. A bidet saves you money on toilet paper. You still use a little toilet paper to pat dry, but that amount is just so small. It's like one little square. It won't clog your toilets. Tushy sprays your ass with fresh water it's not toilet water tushy

connects to the water supply right behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts clean with fresh water it's the same water you brush your teeth with wet wipes are worse than toilet paper they're terrible for the environment they called they cause analissures. You don't want your anus fissuring, Tony. You definitely don't. And it's only $79, which is insane. That's crazy. It does not need to cost a zillion dollars to upgrade your bathroom and deserve Instagrammable luxury. Tushy only costs $79, and it changes your life.

I know it changed mine. My bathroom is a modern-day self-care oasis. Go to hellotushy.com slash kill Tony. Get 10% off your order. One more time. That's hellotushy.com slash kill Tony and get 10% off your order. So excited to be back here. So excited.

You know, these episodes, while completely different than being home at the comedy store in front of a sold outout room of 500 people. You know, some of my favorite comedians being guests, sitting in the back, sneaking in, sneaking on the show, coming on with their balls out or their butt out. You know, Ron White walking in with a bottle of tequila. These shows here at Betterbox Studios are a little bit different. These are the survival episodes. We're so grateful for the people over at Betterbox that have opened their doors to us. Of course, I'm talking about the

great Gino over at Speedweed, who makes this all possible. He's always at every episode of Kill Tony. He's been a loyal soldier of not just Kill Tony, but stand-up comedy, roast battle, all the coolest shows. He's got the best taste in comedy.'s like guys like the Spike Lee of the New York Knicks, but for the Comedy Store and they're amazing Comedians and that's why we support him as well if you're into candles. I know I am I lit one last night I got fucking romantic last night. I had a bottle of wine lit a candle watch the last dance It doesn't take much to keep me happy. Just my iPad, my laptop, my phone, my projector, my PlayStation 5. As long as I have all those things going at once, I'm completely entertained. Who says I'm ADD? All it takes are those things. Anyway,

go buy a candle right now at damngoodco.com. That's damn good candle company, but get the website damngoodco.com and tag the picture of your candle. When you get it, tag the Kill Tony Instagram account and they will repost it on the stories over there on the Kill Tony Instagram. We got live dates coming up, supposedly. Perhaps this is true. If things get back running again, some cities are opening up. I believe some of these dates will definitely happen. Salt Lake City, Miami, Austin, Texas, San Francisco, Bakersfield, Tacoma, Washington, D.C., and other ones, they're all being announced. They're all being signed and done as the days go on. Everything's being added.

And yeah, as for this show, if you've submitted before, we've been getting a lot of questions on social media, the cast has been, about how to submit or do you need to resubmit? The answer is yes. Resubmit, ladies and gentlemen. Our producers can only watch so many videos per week. And as of right now, we're not doing any repeats other than the regulars that are on the show. So resubmit kill Tony quarantine at gmail.com. If you've submitted a video before, submit one more time, submit before Mondays, keep it there. Make sure your video is watchable. One minute. Yep. Keep it all there. So yeah, let's go. Let's do it, right? Am I missing anything?

No. Ryan J. Ebeld's drawing tonight's episode. He draws every single episode of the show. Prints are available at ryanjebeld.com. That's for every road poster, the brand new Kill Tony t-shirt that's a poster on a t-shirt, and a bunch of other fun things. ryanjebeld.com. He's the house artist. He drawsshirt and a bunch of other fun things. RyanJEBelt.com.

He's the house artist. He draws every episode, including Kill Tony the book. So why not do that? We have a band on the show. Let's get them out here. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters.

We never know what they're going to be. They've been getting ready in another room. And so let's all find out what they are this week together. Fun fact, they didn't give me a song this week. They forgot. So I'm just going to guess. Oh, well.

I have no idea. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, and Jetski, Jesse Johnson. Here we go. Oh. Whoa.

Oh, wow. Heroes. Actual heroes, everyone! How exciting! We have first responders here. Human organ for transplant lunchbox. There you go, there's an extra hat. There you go. Absolutely. Hello first responders, how are you? Hey, how are you Tony? Good, what's your name? My name's Hal Boyd. What is it? Hal Boyd. Hal Boyd. Okay. Hi, Hal. How have things been going for you with this Corona pandemic? Pretty rough. Yeah. What's been happening? An old lady with coronavirus farted in my mouth the other day. Oh, okay. You have a little bit of a speech impediment?

You have a speech impediment. Actually, I don't think I do. Okie dokie. Next to you, you have a beautiful young lady. What's your name? Hi, my name is Beth, and sorry, I'm married to my job. Oh, she's taken. And that's an emergency medical technician?

Yes, sir. What exactly do you do? Anything a paramedic, like, doesn't want to do. We're kind of like clean up the mess and send them the real forces. Okay. Cool. And clearly back here we have what appears. Wow.

Oh, that's not annoying at all. We have what appears... Wow. Oh, that's not annoying at all. Clearly back here we have what appears to be a bronze trophy of some kind that has come to life. What's your name? The name's Jim. Bronze trophy. Wait.

Can you repeat exactly what you just said one more time? Jim. Jim. Sorry. I had a bit of... I ride around in the ambulance with this guy all day. It's hard to not pick up his speech. Sometimes he listens to me. He speaks, he picks up on my speech patterns. It's hard.

He's talking to me in my voice and I'm like, are you mocking me? And then he's like, no, it's the whole thing. Nothing better than for the first, for the few first responders that probably love this show and are listening live right now to be represented for the first time as people that can't speak clearly for some reason. It's a very common problem. Really? Yeah, it's a very common problem. Amongst first responders. I mean, you don't have to mock us whenever you say it like that.

No, because. All right. Well, we got Hal. Let's hope you don't need any help tonight, Tony. I certainly hope not. It looks like you gave mouth to mouth to a chocolate bar earlier he was gonna die if i didn't do it all right so we have how we have beth and we have jim jim huh that's what you came up with jim slim jim that's what

they call me all right exciting stuff first responders no better time to have real heroes on the show than now during this pandemic in which they're doing so much for people so uh let's just jump right into it comedians send in well people send in 60 seconds of what they believe to be stand-up comedy like material and uh wow what's going on what did i miss you corrected yourself yeah it's not really it's hard to convince them when you see their closets and laundry in the background it's hard to pretend like people are just comedians um but some of them have done comedy some of them haven't and uh we sort of just get an idea of who they are we don't even really talk about their jokes we don't really

talk about their performance sort of just graze over who they are as human beings and try to find out more interesting stuff about them that's a weird summary of this show this these episodes yes if i was talking about the obviously the live show in front of a live audience where it's all about stand-up comedy yeah that'd be different cool indeed you have a pretty smile has anybody ever told you that thank you hal we keep it tight here has anybody ever told you that i don't know only his cellmate so let's just jump right into the show uh let's do it the first comedian uh doing uh that sent in a set tonight goes by the name of blind andy well let's let, here we go. It's Blind Andy.

Here's Blind Andy. I may have had a fucked up childhood. You know, I witnessed my parents divorce as my dad would have made it to his fifth marriage, but he did not live that fourth bitch. And my mom, well, she's on her third, but she got lucky because the guy she's with, it turns out he's got bad hips and knees and he can't fucking get away. I may have some daddy issues. The times I used to go see him, I wish he would ask me quality questions like,

what do you want to be when you grow up? Or how does that make you feel? Nope. I got shit like, when's your birthday? And how old are you again? And when I was little, I thought, well, he must care. And then when I got older, I realized he was just trying to figure out how much longer he had to deal with my fucked up mom. Well, there you go, Blind Andy. Here we go. Oh, that girl is on fire. That's because you guys are first responders.

Oh no, somebody better help. That's so sweet. Hi, Blind Andy. How you doing, Tony? Oh, we can't quite hear Blind Andy. He's mute, too. Maybe he's deaf and blind. Hi, Andy. How are you?

I'm good. How are you, Tony? Good, good. Thanks for sending in your set. Is that stuff all true, what you said about your own mother? Oh, for sure. Wow. Interesting stuff.

Do you guys get along well with each other? No. That's kind of broken. Yeah. Has anybody ever told you that your voice sounds like it could be found in Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville? No. Wow. Hal shooting from three-point range to get the show started before really establishing contact with the guest.

I'm a first responder. I'll have that first. It's just the theme of the emergency. Okay. I am sensing Tony's stress levels rising. Uh-oh. It's okay. He doesn't have a pulse.

He's a vampire. Okay. Very good, guys. Get it all out of your system. You have any more? Yeah, hi. We got a call from somebody suffering from delusions of grandeur. Just play your drums, guys. Get it all out of your system. You have any more? Yeah, hi. We got a call from somebody suffering from delusions of grandeur. Just play your drums, bitch.

There you go. There's my mother stepping in. The great joy. We have to bring her into this. Stepping in. Blind Andy, I don't know if you know this, but your thermostat is set to 77 degrees. 77. It is.

That is a hot room you're staying in. Unfortunately, yes. Where are you located right now? We currently live in South Carolina. South Carolina. Where have you lived before that? We actually moved from California to move here. Why'd you do that?

My wife's work brought us out here, so we moved where the money was, right? What does your wife do for work? Distribution. She works for a pharmacy company. Oh, okay. How about you? What do you do for work? I don't work. I can't see. How blind are you? Your name is Blind Andy. Let's talk about how blind you are. Is it just like a rapper name? No, I can't rap. Sorry. I'm legally blind.

So close enough that the government said, ah, you're close enough. Wow. So what does that stop you from doing can you drive oh no i haven't i haven't driven not it would drive your wife crazy guys we really need to tighten it up there's no live audience we just need to there's no live audience we just need to need it home runs only here today home runs only here today i thought that was like starting now foul ball there you go absolutely so um all right blind andy interesting stuff have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No. Always wanted to. Just kind of raising a family. Kind of stopped it.

Something I wanted to pursue later. How big is your family? We have four kids. Wow. Four kids. You can see the pussy at least. Oldest is 23. Youngest is 16.

Wow. Youngest is 16 wow youngest is 16 home runs only okay guys guys seriously so have you been blind your whole life or is this something that that came later i know i was diagnosed when i was seven i have something called retinitis pigmentosa and they told me that by the time I was 21, I'd be completely blind. But I'm still not. So I guess I'm beating it. Look at that. Is your wife ugly? No.

She's beautiful? How do you know that? Well, we got four kids. No, but I mean, I know you can ejaculate, but you're blind. So how do you know you're not just finishing inside of like a two? I'm just humping the fucking bedpost or something. They're not kids. It's just poop or something.

Just throw pellets. You put names. i love it how old's your oldest kid again 23 how old are you i'm 47 47 man wow started early huh yeah i had to knock it out unfortunately that kind of stopped going to do the club thing, but I love my kids. Of course, indeed. What are they up to? Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? I got one that's serving.

Serving at a restaurant? No, that's one of them. The other one's actually in the Air Force. Oh. Yeah, he's really proud of his son for serving food at a restaurant, at a Perkins. I love that. He's in the Air Force.

What does he do in the Air Force? He calibrates tools. Oh, awesome. That is so cool. I love that. Has he served overseas or anything like that? No, no, he's in New Mexico. So he's been pretty fortunate that way. Heck yeah. The Iraq of America, New Mexico. So fun.

I'm telling you, it's rough. Hell yeah. How about you? Do you have any special skills or talents? Can you like pop your eyeballs out and juggle them or something like that? No, no glass eyes. Sorry. skills or talents? Can you pop your eyeballs out and juggle them or something like that? No. No glass eyes. Sorry. You don't have the foggy eyes that you usually see in somebody that's blind.

You're lucky. You have demon eyes. I'm not 100% blind. I can see 10 feet, then after that it's all a blur. I don't have any peripheral vision. That's great for the coronavirus and you can see someone six feet away from you. Not when you're

walking through a Walmart and the asshole's breathing heavy on you. That was rough. Exactly. That's what I was thinking. Did they do that to you? Do I need to come on the scene? Yeah, absolutely. It just happened a couple weeks ago. I won't go back in that shithole. What's the name of the city in South Carolina that you're in?

We live in Chesney. Uh-huh. How far is that from a major city? That was really far. The biggest city near us is Greenville, our Spartanburg. Wow. I haven't heard of either of those. It's incredible.

It's incredible. Do either of those places have canoeing yes so you're out there in the middle of nowhere is is you see a lot of uh you see any racism ever out there do you just turn a blind eye to it no but seriously are people racist out there in the middle of nowhere in South Carolina? We're in the South. You know, there's going to be some somewhere out here. What's the most racist thing you've ever seen? Or not seen? Like heard of?

Heard of what? You can't say not see. Yeah, just the typical things. I mean, people not want to be around certain ethnicities or whatever right but you don't see color i don't actually correct when you took that pause i thought you were going to insert a racial slur right there and then just go for it but you didn't and i appreciate that no blind andy fun stuff man so uh when's the last time you talked with your mom it's been a long time it's funny because when we moved over here we actually moved her six miles away and we still don't talk wow my goodness six miles away

part of the reason we moved was to help them out and then it kind of after we got them moved it kind of went downhill so what do you do right absolutely what do you do well you're a real American Blind Andy and we thank you

for submitting we thank you for your performance fun stuff and next time we're out in the south make a trip come see a show live absolutely appreciate you in the front row yep blind ladies and gentlemen thank you blind andy he's on instagram at blind funny that's blind andy getting the show started. Don't you have a tinier saxophone?

You have like three sizes smaller than that. But meanwhile, you waited until we were in one small room to bust out the most massive instrument every week. Would you prefer a smaller one? Yes. But the problem with the smaller one, it's higher pitched. Yeah. So it's like...

That's great. You just make annoying noises higher pitched yeah so it's like so um that's great you just make annoying noises to tell people what it sounds like exactly what it sounds like yeah thank you and you might as well just replace it's like pterodactyl this episode is brought to you by peloton forget the pressure to be crushing your workout on day one just start moving with the peloton bike, Bike Plus, Tread, Row, Guide, or App. There are thousands of classes and over 50 Peloton instructors ready to support you from the beginning. Remember, doing something is everything. Rent the Peloton Bike or Bike Plus today at onepeloton.ca slash bike slash rentals.

All access memberships separate. Terms apply. Anyway, we have another submission. Let's just jump right into it. The next person's name is Ruben Aikentil. Here we go, Ruben. Here we go. Oh, my God.

Here we go, Ruben Aitken-Till, everyone. Here it is. One rolling. 2020. The year's so good, they named it twice. It even came as an international holiday. Social distancing. Who remembers Easter?

Nobody. Nobody remembers Easter. I'm still working. I deliver food. There's never been a better time to be a delivery boy. I have more hero status than the police at the moment there's no tips though due to social distancing people don't seem to want you lingering in their doorway wearing the gloves and mask I am six foot five and I do appear to be one

blunt instrument away from a home invasion actually I'm fuck it I look a bit like Theo Von if he didn't get coronavirus I feel sorry for side chicks and burglars because everyone who was paying their bills is back at home with their kids. 8pm. Thank you. They're clapping for the NHS. Thank you, NHS.

All right. Reuben Aitken-Till. Hello. Hi, Reuben. Hey there. How's it going? Good, man. You in Australia?

No, I'm in London, England. Oh, fuck. That's right. We get those confused sometimes here because we're dumb americans i am i am australian at the same time oh okay well there you go how'd you end up in london uh i am in this i moved here i've been here the past year oh this is as confusing as it gets. Born in England, moved to Australia, and then came back? Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm half Australian.

I've just got family out there. Oh, half Australian. That's what, okay. So in England, I guess, if you have a parent that's from Australia, you say you're half Australian. Yeah, you could just, in the 60s, you could get to and from Australia super easily.

Okay. I love it. I love it. And you deliver food for a living in England? Yeah, for Borough Market in London. I'm on a bike. On your bicycle? Yeah, on an electric bike,

so I don't have to do too much. Ah, very cool. Red Band's into electric bikes right now, right? I just got one. You did? Yeah, get it next month. Wow, exercise with no work. That's amazing.

Finally buy an exercise equipment piece and you have an engine attached. He's like, oh no, I thought I ordered a popsicle. Wow, nobody's having fun in here. Alright. Who would have thought the security would be worse in here than it was at the

comedy store? Alright. First responders, only home runs. Popsicle. Bicycle. Oh, my God. So what are you going to do with this electric bicycle? It's like a regular bike. It's like a 10-speed bike that you can ride.

But it also has the electric thing on if you wanted to. Trust me, that thing's not ever going to go 10 speed. Yeah, I mean, it's going to go one speed. Downhill. That's exciting, Brian. We're excited for you. Yeah, I could tell. We actually saw a video of you rollerblading the other day.

You posted on your Instagram. Yeah, so it was video. Could you tell by the video marks and how I was filming it off a monitor, Jeremiah? Uh-huh. Was that really you? Yeah, that was me. It actually popped up on my Facebook feed, like the memory feed. And I was like, oh, that's where it is.

From years and years ago? 20 years ago. How long ago? 20 years ago. Back when people could get from England to Australia. The year with 1942. The first pair of rollerblades. Wooden wheels.

Alright, alright, alright. You took us off on a fun tangent there, Ruben. So, you deliver food. I love that. Did you say you look like Theo Vaughn if he didn't get coronavirus? Is that what I heard? Yeah, I don't know where it came from i just just kind of going

for it just just do some mullet really oh no we see that have you always had that mullet have you always had that mullet that's it that's the that's the half australian part you. You're English in the front, Australian in the back. Yeah, the top part. The excited part. I love it, man. Do they have different names for mullets in England and Australia? No, they don't.

It's just a mullet. I know it in Swedish. It's a hockey free line. They claim it just means hockey haircut. Oh. Very interesting. So are you currently in quarantine? Are you locked down right now? I am.

As all of you people, I am a key worker. I get to go out. Right, absolutely. What's your love life like? You seem like a good-looking kid for an Englishman. So how's that going for you? Yeah, it was going pretty well. So now I just ride bikes and draw a lot.

Yeah, what do you like to draw? Just can't see anything. Oh, that's cool. Is that Tony? Look at that. Tony's a priest. Yes, that's clearly me. Me with my red hair.

Father Tony. Yes. My old face, that's clearly me. Me with my red hair. Father Tony. Yes. My old face. You guys know me. You're hitting me on... Okay. Oh, Brian has just... That's my bike now.

Brian has the Mandalorian. Dread, man. The Candelorian. The Candelorian. I love it. You're wearing a Tupac shirt. Do you have any rap skills? I don't have zero rap skills.

No, sorry. I tried with some friends of mine who are quite good, but my tempo is absolutely terrible. Really? Do you have any special skills or talents that you could share with us other than your drawings? I recently discovered I can do something weird with my eyes. Great.

Let's see it. Wow. Oh, that's great. We have reached the peak of civilization. That's it. That's my quarantine life. I love it. How did you find out recently that you can do that? I was sat at my computer playing video games, and I started doing it.

Obviously, I couldn't see myself. So I got my camera up and started recording myself and looked back at it and it was pretty freaked out wow red red man can actually red man can do that with his uh with his nipples he's doing it right now you're saying red man can cross his nipples? It doesn't even make sense. Oh, my God. Tony could do that with his buttholes. Yeah, my dildos and my booty holes.

Oh, God. Jesus Christ. What the fuck, Jeremiah? Jeremiah just farted. But him is a cowboy. Oh, God, he went in his nose. Oh, Jesus Christ. Peak of civilization, folks.

There you go. Absolutely. There you go, Hal. Thank you, Hal, for that contribution. All right. So I love it, Ruben. I absolutely love it. Have you done stand-up comedy before

uh i did it once before uh about two years ago and then i it went it went it went quite well it was i did a course that led us to doing three minutes in front of a crowd of people that's cool what made you uh What made you not continue to do it? Originally, because I moved to London, and then once I got here, I started going to open my, and in Brighton, got like a friendly crowd of people who were very like, oh yeah, even if you fuck up, they'll clap you along. And then all of a sudden I went to London and it wasn't so much. And I ended up giving myself loadson and it wasn't so much and i ended up like

giving myself loads of excuses and not going so much and then gave up fuck yeah he quit because it got really hard because it got hard that's the that's the main reason people give up that's what they tell me that is true people give up when it gets hard say that one more time ruben i was inspired to send something to you guys i came to the london show and didn't get picked but oh this is a perfect opportunity to send a minute in we had a lot of fun there in London. That was a great time. We were glad to be alive and healthy again. And that was a hell of a show

that we did. Was that the third night? It was also the third. Yeah, we were loving that night. Yep, that was a blast. They actually, the theater sold out of alcohol that night.

A little fun fun. Unheard of. Unheard of. Yeah. So yeah, that was fun. A little fun fun. Unheard of. At that venue. Unheard of. Yeah. So yeah, that was fun. And you were great. Fun times tonight. What made you perform

next to a dumpster, by the way? I was wearing that ski suit and my sister directed music videos and she said because it was green and our dumpster was green

that I should do it next to it. Yeah, that was a cool jacket. Yeah, it was well shot. Thank you very much. We appreciate your submission, Ruben. Thank you so much, and we'll see you next time we're in London. Should be soon. Ruben Eccantill, everybody.

Thank you, buddy. See you later. Time for a regular. You know him. You love him. It's William Montgomery. Here he is. Hello, William.

How are you? I'm pretty good, sir. Oh, you're from London, too, as well, right? I'm from Australia. Oh, okay. Trail of tears? No shit. Have you ever been to Oklahoma?

I'd be crying, too. Can you imagine those Indian children asking are we there yet and the parents are like shut the fuck up we're in Pine Buff Arkansas was excited to finally see Roderick Howard's Apollo 13 last night for those that don't know he's the balding redheaded black film

director he also did The Da Vinci Code. I'm writing a Dracula movie starring Ron White. It's called Dracula's Back. The whole time it's just Ron White saying, Drac's back, Jack, in different locations.

I usually like to leave a pube on the toilet when I use a public restroom. Just something I was brought up doing. That was probably my best joke, that last one. That's true. There he is, William Montgomery.

How about that trail of tears? You have to wait. You have to wait to talk. They're playing music right now. Go ahead, William. What was that? How about that Trail of Tears joke? I was going to say, I even wrote that down.

The only thing I wrote next to your name was Trail of Tears so that I could tell you. It was a good joke. Pine Bluff, Arkansas. Indeed. Now you're just saying key words. Drax back, Jack. That's right. I think you're just saying key words. Drax back, Jack. That's right. I think you'll be proud of me. I've been

walking a bunch this past week. Yeah, where you been walking to? Around a park. Yeah? What kind of park? It seems predominantly Hispanic. Uh-huh. You just walk around by yourself?

Yeah, pretty much. I've had to put Vaseline in between my legs. I'm having bad chafing. I'm 225 now. My upper legs are rubbing against each other. Can we see that? Can you stand up? Can we get a full body view of you for a little bit?

Yeah, have you started scabbing? we're a little bit concerned over here who said that don't worry about it okay how i'm just invisible i'm invisible invisible's fine quiet would be oh look at that yeah you're you have growths all over your body. Who's holding the phone? Hold on. Put your arms down. Stand right there. Go back. Go back.

Go back. Put your arms down. Your boobs are uneven, William. You look like a yam. Oh, my goodness. Look at that. Yeah, the left one seems higher. Okay. This man is definitely suffering from diverticulitis.

Look at that. I do have diverticulitis y'all see in this shot that is incredible nipples oh that's a sign of lyme's disease for sure you still have the open wound in the middle of your belly is that a motorized bicycle I see in the background there? You're at Red Band's house? I've been riding it to the Kmart. Yeah? What do you do at the Kmart? Steal shit. I go to the fish section. It's like a really cheap...

Fish section at Kmart? Yeah, it's like a cheap aquarium. Ah, okay. What's your favorite kind of fish to steal? I thought it was fish to ban. Like a CD section. Probably, okay. What's your favorite kind of fish to steal? I thought it was fish to ban, like a CD section. Probably catfish. Yeah, I've been going to the Kmart

with that. Also, my other friend, he has a gun normally. Oh, there he is. We met this young man last week. This is his new partner in crime. What's his name again? Oren.

Oren, that's right. I love that. I love that you've been getting a little bit of culture in your life. You could say that. We've been eating chitlins and ribs and asparagus and you name it. What are the greens called? Collardard greens we've been eating collard greens i've been going to the kmart stealing fish man if y'all haven't been to kmart recently i just next time we can be at the comedy store together y'all should see the aquarium i've been able to

make it my my house oh that's awesome What else have you and Oren been doing for fun? Gang banging and recita. Gang banging and recita. We've been finding Hispanic girls at that park. Yeah. How have the fights

been going? Do you usually win those fights against Hispanic women? Oren ends up calling someone close to him he's like hey i need to talk and i go up behind the person on all fours and then oran pushes the person over me wow that is an interesting way of gangbanging and receding get hurt as shit you should see see how hard Oren pushes people, and I'm right behind him just giggling the whole time. That is just incredible. Can I ask Oren a question, actually? Sure.

Yeah. Oren, hello, and we thank you for being on the show. Why do you like hanging around William? What is it about William that you like so much? When you spend enough time in a dish pit with a guy in the trenches, you develop a camaraderie, a brotherhood of sorts. This one's not going to die anytime soon. We're going to go inside and do dishes after we're done here.

Wow. Oh, you guys are gay. You guys are doing all the coolest things. Shut the fuck up. We used to wash dishes together. Yeah, I know what that means. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow.

How do you guys decide who's going to do what kind of, who does the drying and who does the washing? I'm the dryer. He's the dryer dryer i use a bunch of pine salt uh we sort of laugh about it use pine salt on dishes a lot of pine salt i'm sort of the pine salt guy learns the dryer guy it's it's fun it's sort of a match made in heaven. That is just perfect. I absolutely love your guys' relationship. Hey, Red Band, what's that dumbass face you're making right now? You think I can't fucking see you? I'm just looking for your eyebrows. Oh, shit.

Oh, that's pretty funny. Okay, okay. Somebody call the burn... Burn unit right here. Burn unit, I'm burned right now. William. Someone please call the burn unit. William, every week you ask for us to send you a poster that you could easily save on your phone

or take a screenshot on your phone. How come you do not know how to do these simple tasks? How come no one sent me one this week? What really is going on with your eyebrows is the real question. It appears as though there's a minimal amount of eyebrows there. Has Oren been plucking your eyebrows out? You all should see my pubes right now. now well why don't you show us william go ahead i think i think no no this is a good time cut cut yeah you know what forget it william forget

it forget it we're not gonna be able to see it over the belly anyway you're my i'm working on it dude i'm walking three miles a day dude no i'm actually proud of you you're walking around hispanic parks it's great yeah that's great stuff man hi carumba hi carumba indeed i love it dude i thought that was gonna get a bunch of laughter red being liked red being you're so sweet i really how's your girlfriend doing how's your abusive girlfriend doing? She's good I got smacked in the face last night I was doing something I shouldn't have done

I was making mac and cheese at 3 in the morning Her grandparents are currently sick I think Oren got him sick last week So things are not good in the suit right now She hit me so hard in the ear last night i couldn't hear correctly it was a bad ringing in my ear so i'm trying to play it cool today all right well you did a good

job playing it cool indeed william we love you we will see you next week thank you thanks orin for being on the show. And hell yeah. We'll see you guys next week. There goes William Montgomery, everyone. Your next comedian goes by the name of Anthony Wright. Here's some music and then Anthony Wright. Here we go. Here's Anthony Wright, everyone. Here we are with Anthony Wright.

One of my favorite sexual positions is the one where you're standing and you pick your partner up in the air. But here's the problem, fellas. That position requires a lot of strength and endurance. Like last week, me and my girl was going at it, right? And after two exhausting minutes, I finally told her to put me down. I said, that's way too much pressure, you know, because I don't want her to powerbomb me. And now my ankles are resting on her shoulders. You feel me? That's embarrassing. So you guys remember that toy Tickle Me Elmo? It was a really famous toy. I always wanted one, but my parents, they couldn't afford one. So instead, they got me a Stroke Me Monster. That's right.

Every time I tickled it, it would just say lower. And then it paid me $40. That's right. Every time you watch Elmo, think of this guy. That's my time. you guys hell yeah absolutely fuck yeah anthony right doing basically the impossible getting an audible laugh in this room from us on that uh on that pick up sex joe. Congratulations to you, Anthony. Welcome to the show.

Where are you talking to us from? Baltimore, Maryland. Baltimore, absolutely. Hell yeah. And have you done stand-up before? Can I just tell you that? What? I feel awkward that I got the awful interview.

What did he say? Can you got cricket internet oh baltimore internet there you go um five years five years i've been performing oh okay five years you've been doing stand-up in baltimore you ever do my goobies, I actually saw you perform at Magoobies. Oh, okay. Awesome. They're the home of McCormick Seasonings and Salts. They're in Timonium, Maryland. Hell yeah. So that's awesome.

What do you do for a living? I do medical coding. Oh, wow. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Look at that here. We have some emergency medical technicians here. You guys have any questions for the coder? I mean, what's the most recent operating system that you're working with?

So we mainly use 3M. And they gave us new updates for COVID. Oh, fuck yeah. Congratulations, you're finally up to date. Heck yeah. I love it. And you have a girlfriend, Anthony? Married.

Married. Oh, okay. Awesome. Five years. So you started doing stand-up right when you got married? Yes, yes, Awesome. Five years. So you started doing stand-up right when you got married? Yes, yes, yes. Heck yeah. Any excuse to get out of the house?

Say that one more time. They say you shouldn't perform comedy while you're married. Right, right. I'm not sure if that's what happened. Heck yeah. You have any kids not yet not yet not yet heck yeah when you say not yet are you trying to have kids are you uh busting uh nuggets inside of your wife you are heck yeah the, the old Baltimore cream pie. The old three-eyed Baltimore raven.

Yeah, the Baltimore Oreo. Yeah, Baltimore Oreo. Is your wife white? No, black. Oh, okay. Heck yeah. You get along with her family well? Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Definitely. All right, awesome. How about your family? You guys are all close, all cool? Everything's good there? Yeah, we're pretty close. The only issue is that my mom used to be a surfer. A bouncer?

And now that I do comedy. Your mom used to be a bouncer? Oh, a pastor. Okay. Yeah. Well, a pastor is basically a bouncer of evil spirits and stuff like that. Oh, my God. Okay.

Relax. Okay. So your mom was a pastor, and then what happened? Okay, so your mom was a pastor, and then what happened? Down, but I'm uncomfortable. You have any special skills or talents, any fun facts about you that we should know about? Besides comedy, I'm a musician, so I'm a drummer oh wow and i play keys surprise oh okay heck yeah absolutely you have a drum set somewhere around you i don't i don't oh okay all right well i would have loved for you to have taken Joel's job from him here today.

Yeah, no fun allowed today. Yeah, definitely. No fun allowed. I love it, Anthony. Well, I mean, incredible, very fun jokes. You showed your experience here today. I would have been shocked if you would have told me that you haven't done stand-up before. I would have been shocked if you would have told me that you haven't done stand-up before.

Your misdirect jokes were incredibly well disguised and executed, and your five years of experience shows, and hopefully you'll come out to a Kill Tony and sign up next time we're near Baltimore. Tony, can I ask you some quick joke advice? advice i mean joke advice on the jokes that you said uh you know i mean no on the pickup sex i mean i guess you could you could tag those things i don't wait what just in general nothing specifically you know i mean in general, nothing specifically, you know. I mean, in general, I'd have to see how you perform these in front of an actual audience. It's really hard to give advice,

uh, on these, um, on these quarantine sets, but I mean, you know, I would, I would just have to see it live to really give good advice.

But the writing is, if I could give anything, I would probably say that, you know, the Tickle Me Elmo reference is sort of outdated. You know, you can always go with what's current, what's new, what's in the news, what's more topical and fresh in everybody's minds.

I don't think anybody under the age of, I don't think anybody under the age of 25 really knows. Well, maybe they do. Maybe they were kids during Tickle Me Elmo, actually. Gage, do you know what a Tickle Me Elmo is? You do? They still have it. Did you have one as a kid?

Yeah, he's still big. That's like a big bird still. But if you could somehow make it like a Fortnite joke or something. Well, I was going to say when you said, do you guys remember Tickle Me Elmo? birds still you know but like if you could somehow make it like a fortnight joke or something well i was gonna say when you said do you guys remember tickle me elmo if you have to ask that maybe don't do it or do something that you don't have to ask if people remember it yeah just say you were molested i think you're doing a great job i think uh i think five years in baltimore is uh probably one of the top 10 comedy cities in the country.

And, you know, just keep at it. Keep writing. And do your thing. But, I mean, I can tell you're great just from getting us to laugh here in studio. So keep it up. Keep up the great work. And we'll see you soon. Anthony Wright, everybody.

That was Anthony. Thank you, man. He's on social media at i write comedy w r i g h t and uh we're gonna keep it moving along here your next comedian goes by the name of victoria thompson everyone here's victoria you want to play some music and then victoria here's victoria thompson Here's Victoria Thompson Not gonna lie I do miss cooking for two people Maybe I shouldn't have had that abortion

I've been single for so long I don't even think my vibrator likes me anymore Doesn't even turn on I tried to use it last night And it said, what's the point? I don't even think my vibrator likes me anymore. It doesn't even turn on. I tried to use it last night, and it said, what's the point? I even altered anal. Shh. I think my vagina is depressed.

I found a tampon tied in a noose and a suicide note on a maxi pad. My ex used to say, beauty is on the inside all the time. My friend has a daughter with Down syndrome. She named her Debbie. If I had respected my parents' wishes, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Not all math jokes add up. I'm moving to Texas because tornadoes are right up my alley. Love it. Heck yeah. Hey.

Hey, friends. Hey. There you go, Victoria Thompson. Hello, Victoria. How are you? Hey, dude. What's up? Where are you at right now? I am in my bedroom.

Where are you again? I am in my bedroom in beautiful Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina. That's right. And you've been on this show twice before? Hell yeah, dude. That's right. And I love it, man. These were good jokes. The Debbie Downer one got me.

Yeah. Great. Very funny. Tampon was funny. It shows that you've been working on writing without a doubt. You got a couple laughs here today. And good size dildo too. You look like you had some nice girth on that one.

Yeah, there you go. Red band complimenting the size of your dildo. There it is. Heck yeah. Do you live by yourself, Victoria? I do not. I have two roommates. And live by yourself, Victoria? I do not. I have two roommates. And they are both fucking.

And I'm not. Wow. So you've not been having sex with anyone during the quarantine? I have been masturbating. Like a lot. There you go. You got Red Band to make his fart noise. That's what he thinks a woman masturbating sounds like.

Well, what decides on that dildo? Heck yeah. Absolutely. Is that the biggest dildo you've ever seen, Red Band? No, no. It's just got a good girth. Usually it's not that girthy. How girthy is that thing, really?

Can you put your hand around it one more time? Yeah, can we get a circumference real quick? It's hard to tell at this angle. Get sucked up off there look at that look at that oh man whoa that is that is a sort of a uh oh god wow that thing is that doesn't even have a suction on it that's just uh sticky from all the fun you've been having. Uh, so, so is there something when you masturbate, do you like masturbate to porn or your imagination? Is there something that, uh, that you like to, uh, have on in the background, perhaps the sound of waves or dogs barking or something? I like dolphins. Dolphins are fun. I like the sound of children crying.

I like gangbang porn. Oh, wow. Is there a specific kind of gangbang porn that you like? Is it mostly black men? Is it perhaps white trash? Like our friends over at MidwestFreaksaks.com like there's a lot of why'd you look me in the eye because you have friends over there midwest anyone knows midwest freaks you're the porn you're the porn guy on this show yeah midwest

freaks that's my favorite joel knows the drums you know the porn that on this show. Oh, yeah, Midwest Freaks. That's my favorite. Joel knows the drums. You know the porn. We all have our own specialties here. Everybody has their own X-Men ability with this group. Heck, yeah. Freaks with a Z. Yeah. So what kind of gang bangs are you into? Hopefully social distance ones.

You know, those are hard. But I love the one where it's like 50 guys and one like tiny little asian girl oh my god you're about to get this is going to be the first time red band's proposed to somebody on this show red band's gonna start exercising doing pull-ups on your dildo yeah that's it he's going to get a motor motorized step stool to stand on that's going to lift him up over the ground on his bike. He does pull-ups. The dessert treat pull-up.

That's a push-up. It's been a long time since I had one of those. I used to love those. Do they still make those? You push up the little straw? Oh, what, a push pop? Is it? Yeah, a push pop.

Is it a push pop? Yeah, a push up. The pop fickle? Yeah, the pop you push. The pop you push. Push pop? Yeah. The pop you push.

Push up. You gotta push the pop to get the pop pushing. Push ups. Push up. Pop that pushy. Pop, pop that push. All right. I love it.

Victoria, have you been working during the quarantine? I have not. What, have you been working during the quarantine? I have not. What do you do for work? I don't. I've been living off my savings since December. But I am working. Oh, okay. What do you think you're going to end up doing?

Dude, I've done, like, everything. So I have no idea. Heck yeah. What's your skill set, like, on your resume that you put down? Dude, everything from, like, I've done customer service to supervising to fucking traffic control. Like, construction. Maybe you could do traffic control for a gangbang. Yeah, what would that look like, Joel?

Two dildos this way and then like lit up. I love it. What are you... Oh my goodness. Hey, look at that. I guess it is. May the fourth be with you. One for the butt, one for the foot. Oh my god.

That is incredible. That is just absolutely incredible. Is that a vibrator? The gray looking one? It is. Does it work? It does not. There's truth to my joke. My goodness.

So what happened there? Did the batteries die or did they just kill themselves? They killed themselves. Wow. I don't even think I can take them out. Oh my goodness. I don't use it anymore. That is incredible.

Those are the D's that you can't get. Can't get the... I mean, you can't get the D's. If they put D batteries in a vibrate, that's just sick. That's a big battery. Okay. Anything else we should know about you,

Victoria? Any fun facts about Victoria we should know about? You ever been raped by a bison perhaps or something like that? Any fun facts? You know, there was that one time

that I don't talk about when I was 13. I got raped by a bison. Have you ever had public sex anywhere? Like out in the public somewhere? That's a good question. Sort of. Yeah. Sort of? When you say sort of, what do you mean? Like you were up against the window and it broke?

You think of like an Arizona room? Yeah. you were up against the window and it broke? You think of like an Arizona room? Yeah, I was up against the window and then it broke. No, I'm just kidding. No, we were outside. It was me and my ex. We were outside. And I'm pretty sure our neighbors could see, but he was getting ready to go on a trip. And we had just bought a car.

And I was like, well, we're going to break the car. And so we just like thought for hours outside, like top of the car, um, you know, doors open everything. What kind of car was this? Like a Ford Taurus or I thought you were going to say shoved your head in a mailbox. Just that. No one's having fun here. And he was like, you delivery. We're trying to.

You're really bringing it down. Oh, really trying. Okay. Why would someone put her head in a mailbox? She said she kind of fucked outside. I thought the visual was funny of just her head in the mailbox. She's already telling us. I hadn't yet.

What kind of car was it? Do you remember the kind of car? Are you half Australian or half English? Let's all ask a question at the same time. Let's all ask. Go ahead. Let's all. You go. Yeah. Okay. Ready? One, two, three.

Do you like orange? Short for orange soda. Even when we try, Jeremiah still has to get the last word in. Even when I make a joke about how he does that, he's still. Orange soda? All right, Victoria. Fun times.

I would say that this, I remember your last two sets. I remember your first one being, you know, somewhere between okay and good. And I remember the second one being less, right? It was sort of like, you know, in stand-up, there's waves to these things, especially when you have to do new 60 seconds each time. And here you are pulling out what appears, what I would say is your best written jokes out of the three performances. So there you go.

That's what matters most is your most recent. You know, on the last dance, which I watched last night on Express VPN. They had an amazing Phil Jackson had an amazing quote, which said, you are only a success while performing a successful act. And you just did that right then. So congratulations to you, Victoria Thompson. Congratulations. There she is. Married to Metal X.

Here's David Lucas, everyone. He's a regular on the show. How's it going, David? How are you? What up, fool? What's shaking out there? Not much, dog. Being a daddy this week.

Got my baby with me. Oh. What's up, you? You got your kid? Hey. What's up? Let me see if y'all can hear me. She wants to say a joke. I love that.

I absolutely would love. How old is she again? She's five. Oh, heck yeah. We've never had a joke from a five-year-old in the history of Phil Sony. She might be about to take my regular spot. I would love that. Shake it. Why did the cow lay on the ground?

Hold on. Say that one more time. Why did the cow lay on the ground? Why did the cow lay on the ground? Why? Ground beef. Ground beef. Ground beef. Red Bandit just died of laughter and hunger. Oh, totally. She said she want to roast you.

Okay, let's do it. Why hair look like donut head from the trash can? What else does he look like? Him right there. Why does he look like a toy paper head from the toilet? What else does he look like? Why does he look like a donut head with sprinkles and somebody wants to eat him? What else does he look like? Why does he look like a chair a good a chair like this and so I'm gonna sit on him well baby you don't know but Tony is actually a chair that people sit over lamp burn for your head.

All right, let me talk to him, okay, baby? Thank you, baby. Adorable. What a performance. Standing ovation from the producers here at Betterbox Studio, Gage and Anthony. That's the first time we've had a five-year-old on the show. That is awesome, David. Red Bandit asked her if she wanted to spot up the ice. That is awesome, David. Red Bandit asked her if she wanted to

spot up the ice. Hold on. We lost sound from you. Can you hear us, David? He's gone mute on us. For some reason, we're not picking up your microphone.

Hold on. Let's figure it out here. Your daughter killed too hard. Why would that change the sound? She killed so hard that it ruined the signal between the microphone and the digital system how would that physically happen how would she do so sometimes magic exists tony what because the feedback basically from our laughter in his earbuds expose the phone to different elements which caused it to break down hey refresh it yeah they're saying Hey, refresh it. Yeah.

They're saying refresh your. Refresh it. Refresh whatever you're refreshing. David Lucas almost becoming famous for having some of the worst internet out of all the regulars. It's weird that William Montgomery staying with his girlfriend's grandparents and Oren has better Wi-Fi. Outside. Outside. On a patio than David does. David, can you hear us now?

Hello, David. Say something. God damn. David looks like he got stung by one of those new murder hornets. I know, right? On the lips. Look at that. The Charlotte murder hornet.

My goodness gracious. Hey, there you are. Look at that. The Charlotte murder hornet. My goodness gracious. Hey, there you are. Hey, David. I bet he gives the best Zerberts. All right. So what else is shaking? How's the quarantine going for you? Did we lose him again?

I think we're losing David. We might need to get a first responder. He's coding. Here you go. Go get it. Go give chest compressions. We're going to need all six hands for that. There goes Hal.

He's going back. He's in the producer's booth. He's looking at the screen. No, he's back. Can you hear us now, David? Do you have any other medical conditions we should know about? Yes.

He definitely has diabetes, high blood pressure. He has an electric motorized bicycle. We lost him. We lost him. This is the part of the job that they can't train you for. We love David Lucas. It's ironic that we are playing Sean Combs' We'll Be Missing You.

David, can you hear us now? Sean Combs. Yeah. How many fingers? How many fingers am I holding up? Sean Combs. There you go. Okay.

David, we love you. Yes. Absolutely. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jonathan Lewis. Here's a quick song, a very quick song, and then Jonathan. Here it is. It's Jonathan Lewis, everybody. Here we is. Jonathan Lewis, everybody. Here we go.

Hello? America's number one podcast, Kill Tony. I'll be right over. Hi, I'm in the comedy store curtains. So since I found myself out of work when this quarantine started, I started producing videos of cereal having sex I'm calling it frosted porn flakes Wow wow hell yeah absolutely definitely that's great jonathan a well-produced video that's awesome how are you man how's it going you know we're hanging in there tony how are you guys we're doing the same exact thing absolutely where are

you calling us from the crypt from tales from the crypt exactly uh we've relocated to new york city for our new season uh we're setting up now in this apartment that's awesome what part of new york are you in i'm in brooklyn crown heights wow and do you do have you done stand-up comedy before not not really i used to be a theater director but i think my uh careers in a coma are dead so i guess i'm doing this now right right yeah absolutely what uh was it a popular theater that you directed no i'm never going to be good enough to be popular tony i'm too niche do you see this you see what's going on? You look like the drawing of me from last week.

We're having fun again. All right. Look what you did there. It was self-deprecating. It was a joke. It made sense. Did you know? Away from this guy's production.

Why did your doors open perfect? Did you know that your doors are open behind you? Oh! This is incredible. You have such great production value going on over there. I didn't know what's going on.

It appeared as though there was a ghost behind you. Did you notice that? There was a ghost under a sheet. We've been having problems with spirits lately. I think I contacted the first Paul McCartney who died in 1966. Oh, you need to call a bouncer. Yeah, we need one. Wow.

I love the minute. I didn't know David Lynch was directing stand-up. Thank goodness. I knew he'd like that. I know. Thank goodness. I knew he'd like that. I know.

So you seem like the kind of guy that would have fun hobbies during the quarantine. How have you been passing the time? I've been spending a lot of time on Tinder. I think I've got my Tinder bio down to a science. I've been making a lot of weird videos like this. I've been smoking a lot of pot. Yeah. What is your Tinder bio? I can read it to you if you want please do it's it's kind of out there but if any ladies are in

the central new york area listening please listen extra carefully so you're not dating the comedy store curtains my picture is this nice picture of me shirtless so they know what they're getting right off the bat fuck yeah and here's my bio my 2020 date ideal put your feet in my face while you tell me you can't morally support trump or joe biden will spend hours discussing the nature of reality with you will let you spit in my mouth in the family bathroom of moma won't ride a ferris wheel won't kick you out of my car in the middle of Death Valley, roll down my window, sigh, say that showbiz, kids, and leave you stranded.

Have you been getting a lot of matches? More than you would think. Yeah. Wait, you didn't let him finish. The last one was, we'll kill you. Maybe, if you're into it, if it's a consent kink. Who was the girl that played the uh that played the um curtains in your video that's uh that's my roommate's girlfriend oh okay well that's fun

that she contributed like that i thought she was very i thought she really embodied the character of those curtains and your roommate was the cameraman, I'm guessing. My roommate was the cameraman. He does independent work on the side as a cameraman. Very cool. Where did you move to New York from? I moved, I grew up in South Carolina, but I've also done things. I got like, I worked at Disney World for a little while in Orlando.

Just kind of bounced around. What did you do in Disney World? in Orlando. Just kind of bounced around. What did you do in Disney World? I was actually fired for telling dirty jokes on my Jungle Cruise in 2014. Oh, gosh. Oh, okay.

What joke did you tell? Yeah. One of my favorites is, up ahead are the lions. Please don't worry about that zebra. It's just demonstrating the favorite position of our female skipper. You lie back and get eaten wow so that was you were like trying to get fired at that point right you knew yeah yeah i had i had a good presidential assassination joke at the hall of presidents yeah what was that where i would i would get over the spiel and say no smoking except for that hole

in the back of Mr. Kennedy's head. Oh. Yeah. It wasn't good for Disney. It wasn't good. Yeah. Especially since the hole's in the really the front of his head. The whole head.

Yeah. Who do you think did that? I don't know, but if we ever find them, I'm going to be first in line for a good kick. We actually visited the grassy knoll when last time we were in Dallas. We went right and stood right on the X. Wow. Me, Jeremiah, and Joel, of course. It was during the day.

So Red Bam was in his hotel room sleeping. It's before his sleep schedule changed. Yeah, I'm not going to give a shit about a street. Yeah, he doesn't give a shit about a street. He actually post-mated the street to his apartment. Yeah, that's true. We went out to have lunch. We ate right next to that.

We ate in a train car. Remember that amazing thing? Spaghetti factory. Yeah. Oh, you did tell me about this, guys. I know. I know? Spaghetti factory? Yeah. Oh, you did tell me about this guy. I know. I know. Spaghetti, whoa.

You couldn't have gone with us. They don't allow spaghetti factories inside of the spaghetti factory. It's blood type? Ragu. Oh, my goodness gracious. Interesting stuff. What's your favorite food, Jonathan? You know, I like potatoes.

They're a pretty good utility food. You can boil them. You can make basically anything you need with them. You are what you eat. That's why you actually look like a potato. Yeah, exactly. That's incredible. I'm actually back into potatoes lately.

Yeah? What kind of potatoes do you like, Brian? Like, just like a whole potato. Like, you know, put some little sour cream and a little butter in there. Do you cook it in your oven? Yeah, microwave it. Oh, you microwave it. Yeah, microwave.

Like a baked potato. You found a way to... That's like one of the main things in microwaves, too. You found a way to somehow make potatoes more unhealthy than they are. Yeah. Pretty much the easiest way to make a potato. You look like Mr. Clean's evil twin brother. Mr. Dirty.

Mr. Clean's apple ginger. What is the wildest thing you've done to a woman in the bedroom? You really do seem like a kinky dude. You seem like you have a latex suit that fits you perfectly. So tell us about some of your uh kinks and stinks over there there was this girl that i knew it doesn't matter what her name is but she was into blood and i didn't really know if i was into it because that's a lot uh but we went to this haunted graveyard in south carolina called montrose cemetery and she gave me a little

cut and did like a blood ritual and then we had like pretty good sex we had like pretty good sex wow she would cut herself and then would she rub it on you or what did him she was he was cutting me she was cutting me wow you ever have a girl like step on your balls with high heels or anything creepy like that i mean awesome like that? No, but quarantine's very young. Quarantine's so young. I'm one Quentin Tarantino movie away from it. You just realized. How about you guys? You guys are emergency responders.

Have you ever had to, you know, has anybody ever done anything sexually in which they needed saving? Anything you've ever seen or done? Well, it's very normal sometimes when people die that blood will still be flowing in their bodies. So sometimes people will have... Wait, hold on a second. I'm pretty sure that that's the opposite of dead. Blood is flowing. Let me finish. Blood will still be flowing in their bodies and sometimes an erection will emerge. So it is an awkward situation that I've been put in.

Do I finish the man who has the boner out of respect for his life, or do I let it subside and that was his last thing that he ever... So what was the decision that you made? I finished him. How did you do that? With your hand? With your mouth? With a hand sanitizer. Oh my goodness.

Did you use a glove? No. Oh wow. How? You dirty bastard, you. No, none of your own spit or anything on there? Just out of respect for the dead? No, I wanted to keep it clean with a hand sanitizer, and since he was dead, he could not feel the burn anymore.

Wow. Look at that. A lot of revelations here. There's no way to follow that, Jonathanathan thank you so much for your submission thanks for the incredible production value and uh thank you to the roommates hey look at that look at these guys wait wait wait look look look look look at that more amazing production if only he had put that same amount of production value into his jokes okay joel way to way to sneak another one in there jonathan we love you thank you jonathan same amount of production value into his jokes okay your next comedian i actually know this is very exciting this is his first time performing on the show. This guy is a friend of my older brother.

I've known him for a long time. He's been to many Kill Tonys. Here's Griff Kohout, everyone. Here's some music. The Danger Zone. Here's Griff, everyone. It's crazy times, corona madness, but really it's the tech takeover, changing our world faster than Jeffrey Epstein's cup of coffee prison visit.

Humans read books, and now we crush documentaries, and those used to bore the shit out of us. We explore different bars trying to get laid. Now it's a clusterfuck of dating apps full of all the same awkward people who can't screw. We used to go bowling to blow off steam. Now if we want to knock over pinheads, we go social media trolling. Those were the days before PC culture, cameras all over comedy clubs, when all you had to worry about was the weed guy's number, if we'd listened to both sides of the record yet, and whether or not Steve Martin was a narc. The good old days were when

starving yourself to perfection wasn't intermittent fasting, it was called anorexia, when streaming was just a nice long piss, when a keyboard was the thing on the wall when you checked in at a seedy motel with your buddy's fun aunt, and when a mouse was just a furry little something richard gear tamponed up his butt when he ran out of tp yeah the tech made us soft it made us lazy the screens the tablets bill cosby should have just waited until we all turned into the zombie pudding pops he so desired fuck yeah grip the zombie pudding pops he so desired. Fuck yeah, Griff. Fuck yeah. Danger Zone.

Hell yeah, Griff. What's shaking out there in beautiful Venice Beach? Greetings, earthlings. May the fourth be with you. Hell yeah, absolutely. Smoking a blunt just like every single friend of my older brothers is doing right now and continuously. Got to.

We love it. We love it. You're out there in beautiful Venice Beach. You are. Well, may the fourth be with you, Star Wars. I'm thinking about two years ago, George Lucas, boom, blew me up like the Death Star right by the Venice Pier. This guy hit me with 40 years worth of weightage from all those lobster tails

and prime ribs. What happened with George Lucas? Boom. He hit me blindside hit like Ray Lewis charging. And I go, Hey buddy, watch where you're going. He tried a Jedi mind trick me. He goes, I haven't been drinking anything. I didn't say you had had i bet we just stare at each other i love that a lot of stuff happens out there in venice beach uh there's no way for the listeners to know this but griff this guy right here um is basically an icon of venice beach he's out there every day on the streets bicycling hanging out what's that mean cap what's your why are you wearing a capernick that's an icon that's an icon capernick absolutely absolutely but thank you thank you and actually i came across a uh a video i was sent by my brother

last week of uh of you out there on your bicycle enforcing uh some venice beach street justice like you're known to do uh gage can you roll this video for the cat peacefully peacefully well is your boy ron we had to defend him yeah this guy was on one. There's a guy here who is across the street right now. This is the iconic Venice Beach intersection there. This guy was not keeping it herbal. He was definitely not keeping it herbal, as you guys say out there. He's playing loud music in this red car on the right. That's him shirtless in the middle of the street, bothering people.

Why are you fucking with people? And this is Griff on his bicycle. It's your bicycle helmet camera. Yeah, he was going wild. He's got this nice red infinity car here. He was zipping around at that, going about 80 miles an hour, so we had to go

give him a talking to, you know. I love that you guys enforce street justice here in Venice Beach. And what ends up happening here is glorious. Hold on. You don't need a gun. You just... Hold on. You need a camera.

I just want to give the back story that this guy right now that's on the screen is one of our favorite people. It's a very nice, gentle man a very jerry garcia like a human named ron who everybody loves he's a sweet zilla ron zilla he's a sweet older guy one of the most likable sweet souls and this guy gets up in his face you can roll it now gage like ron couldn't hurt a fly and this guy's getting up in his face. You better chill. You better relax.

Don't come near me, please. What's going to happen? It's pacifism. You're going to have to talk to him. Okay. LAPD's going to talk to him. You're homeless, bro. Thank you.

Oh, he called Griff homeless. You do not do that in Venice Beach. This guy. We're going to get this guy. We're going to get you, homie. Lowering your property value. He's lucky. He got a pass that day. Yeah, we got it. We this guy. We're going to get you, homie. Lower your property value. He's lucky. He got a pass that day.

Yeah, we got it. We got it. And this is the part. I don't know if we can hear it, but he says that guys like you, Griff, and Ron have been lowering his property value. Stay away from me, homie. Don't flop. He tried to flop into me like a European soccer player right here.

Trying to flop. And then let's watch this next video this is what it cuts out here and then it gets right into uh right into the ending here which is you're gonna get raped in jail they're gonna rape you in jail homie you think prison scares me look at this what do you think that is? Well, dude, you got a chill. And this little bruise. You got to relax. This guy shows you a bruise.

And then he slaps your sunglasses off your face. He got lucky. He got lucky. Let's just say. He's lucky the Don wasn't there. Let's say. Oh, yeah. Exactly.

The Don is my brother. And Jake came in. That's what they call my brother. And then my brother is known for physically assaulting people. Allegedly. Allegedly. In Venice Beach regularly. A fun fact.

My brother, also from Youngstown, Ohio, all time undefeated in fights. 214 and zero. This includes one time he beat up seven guys at once with a dog leash, a dog chain. They had circled him in front of our old house in Youngstown. And there was a chain that they would attach the dog to connected to a tree. And when they encircled him, he grabbed the chain off of the tree and started spinning it around, Kill Bill-style whipping guys, and beat up seven guys at once. He's a legend all around the world.

He's resourceful. He is resourceful. And that guy ended up getting taken away by the police and getting his car towed from that spot in Venice Beach, thanks to your street justice, right? Stoner peaceful justice. I love it, man. That's right there where Danny's your street justice, right? Stoner peaceful justice. I love it, man. That's right there where Danny's used to be, right? Right there in the cut.

That's where it all goes down. Does it show in the video? Does it show the cops actually come up to him and do anything? Yeah, that was that last part right there. You know, that's what we all started talking. He started playing bully victim for a little bit, and then it all got sorted out in a couple minutes. And I love the way you did it.

You said, that guy stomped on my sunglasses. That guy crushed my glasses, which you could say at any time, even if the glasses aren't broken. It's a very educational. It's a great way. Use your props. Absolutely.

Use your props. Definitely. You're like Venice Beach Carrot Top out there enforcing justice. Smoking more though. though smoking a lot more hell yeah you are definitely definitely man i love it so uh how's the beach life been going with all this quarantine stuff happening i know obviously a lot less foot traffic you know it's kind of nice the biking around is pretty groovy we we're putting up a lot of art legalization art homeless awareness art but there's a lot of cops around but you know the art's good we're hanging out with old fred carlin's buddy he's around yeah old fred we're uh playing with wiring, blowing inside his old cartridge. I hear they poured sand in the skate park in Venice.

Yeah, they poured sand in the skate park, right? Yeah. So they let you bike around, but they don't like the babes hanging out in big groups, which is a shame. But soon enough, soon enough. Right. We'll listen to Mayor Eric Confetti, and we'll stay indoors for a bit. I love it. It's true.

One of my few, what would they call it, places of serenity here in Los Angeles where I go to get away from all the stand-up. There's nothing more fun than going and visiting my brother and you and the whole gang of hoodlums out there in Venice Beach and having a smoke and a drink and kicking it with you guys staring at the ocean you guys live a whole different life out there only 20 well 12 minutes away now that there's no traffic I've been able to take the 10 to go visit Donnie a couple times during this quarantine it's un-fucking-believable this is like summer vacation for locals enjoy it while it lasts enjoy it enjoy it it's insane I am really am really getting banged for my buck with that Corvette now that there's no traffic.

Ooh, that's a nice one. You got a nice one. Yeah. Ooh, that's set him. You know what I mean. Yeah, you like that one. Anyways, we got to get you down to Ben & Jerry's, Tony. Ben & Jerry's on the boardwalk.

What's Ben & Jerry's? Well, they said I'm next to a mom at pop ice cream that's been there a long time. So now we go to Ben and Jerry's. We do street poetry. We do all sorts of shows there. Oh, that's great. You fuck with the Ben and Jerry's. Yeah, we're trying to get them to move up to the freak show that's empty.

Do you remember Big Daddy's? Oh, yeah, they're there. They're throwing down. Another fun fact is that you and a lot of the Venice Beach locals ran out Snapchat. You ran those guys out of town. They tried to take over all of Venice Beach. They bought up a lot of the mom and pop shops, and it was a really big deal. And you are one of the main people that, you know, I mean, I know you're a humble soul,

and you're not going to take credit for it, but all you guys combined spooked. I'm loud when you get me outside. I could be very loud. So yes. Do you, do you, do you ever hang out at the comedy underground there with Bronson? The, uh, those guys, uh, this whole crew is super regulars there. They're almost at every single show. They support everything built from the ground up in Venice Beach, one of the, you know, iconic fucking places. Premium ancient alien vibes down there. Hell yeah. That Comedy Underground is one of the coolest, I've told everybody,

one of the coolest places. I mean, it is, to me, as far as all of los angeles the entire surrounding los angeles area it is comedy store first of course and then that place and then everywhere else that's the spot to be wednesday night yeah definitely i can't wait for things to be back opened up again and we'll all be kicking it again soon griff thank you so much for this appearance thank you guys bob ross fuck yeah sticky notes i love Griff, thank you so much for this appearance. Thank you, guys. Bob Ross. Fuck, yeah. Sticky notes.

I love that. Keep it horrible, guys. Thank you. Love you guys. Much love. See you, Red Band. See you. Hero.

We love you, Griff. Shout out to Griff Kohout, and he is out there on social media. We don't have a thing written down for him but we'll figure that one out. He'll be on the show again soon. We'll get him out on an actual show

when we're all back and running again. Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, we have come to that time of the night where we are graced by a genius. You've heard it touched by an angel. This is graced by a genius. It is my of Touched by an Angel. This is graced by a genius. It is my favorite part of every episode

of this modern show. Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, the slayer, Michael Lehrer, everyone. Here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here he is, Michael Lehrer. Michael. Hello.

Hello. Tony. Hello. Hello. Tony. Yes. Look, I've been going through changes. The plague and personal and professional obstacles have made me realize what's important. I'm in the flow state now. I know my time is more valuable than anyone on earth and I know how I want to spend it. Writing and starring in pornos. Not just any pornos, alright? I want to make the Curb Your Enthusiasm a pornos. Except I'm disabled, I'm always angry, and there's full penetration. It's called Cool Your Jets.

Wow. All right. I love it. I love it. I love it. All right. Tony. Uh-huh.

All right, Tony. Now, I'd like to present to all on the porno platforms, and Tony will read intro scenes from my pitch deck for my show, Cool Your Jets. Absolutely. And here we go. So the first scene is called Galoshes for Wheelchair Wheels. This is the current enthusiasm of pornos, and this is where Michael argues with a clerk at a medical supply store because they do not offer galoshes for wheelchair wheels. Go ahead, Michael.

Okay, it's called Cool Your Jets. Brian, hit me. Oh, how can you not offer glosses for wheelchair wheels? Wheelchairs are outside and then they're inside. People take off their shoes. I can't take off my wheels. How can you have all this shit but you don't have glosses for wheelchair wheels it'd be as simple as putting on a condom yeah i can just put on one of those. Jesus, Brian. I somehow knew you would fuck this up. I knew that the...

I knew that the... Somehow I knew that the dying man was not going to miss a beat and that Red Band would fuck up on the first fucking opportunity. Make an excuse. Go ahead. I think they have this thing running through a delay,

so I have to hit it, and it's like a five-second delay. Just don't hit anything until he cues you up. Really wait for the cue. I was going to tell you this beforehand, but I really figured maybe he won't fuck this one up. Before him, but I really figured maybe he won't fuck this one up. Do you think maybe my work is too high concept? No, no, you're great. You're great.

It's just Red Band. Let's move on to the next scene, shall we? I'm going to pitch this to the porno platforms for you, okay? No, Tony, why don't we just talk a few more? No, I like this. I'm telling you this is fucking gold. I love this. Oh, there's no way There's no fucking delay red band just wait until he cues you to hit the button. Let the five-second delay happen. I'm going to watch you hit the button after he cues you up.

There hasn't been another delay on any of these buttons. I've been watching the whole time. Okay, yeah, there's a fucking delay. Yes, yes. Yes, there's a delay. You're the delay, Red Band. 100% there's a fucking delay, Tony. Yes, there is. I don't want you guys to fight because of me. You're the delay red 100% there's a fucking delay. Yeah

There you go, yeah five seconds away, it's different now they change something Can I know they didn't can I just say Michael look what you've done? Okay Let's do the next Curb your enthusiasm of porn Uh No It's called Cool your jets

Son of a bitch I know it's called cool your jets It's the curb your enthusiasm of pornos This next scene is called cushion the blow Where Michael argues with a disability charity In regards to the assistance they offer. That guy's ass has been on this cushion until he died, and then you're going to loan me that cushion, and then my ass is going to be on it.

Well, how about this? How about you loan me a fan to keep my balls cool on this cushion? Oh, you have other ways of cooling my balls? There was a little bit of a delay on that one. Jesus Christ. There was a little bit of a delay. There you go. Two and a half seconds.

This next one's called Rush Driver. Michael argues with a bus driver who forgets to check if Michael is safely secured to the bus looks like that apology is delayed Rush driver where Michael argues with a bus driver who forgets to check if Michael is safely secured to the bus take it away Michael I'm going to sue you. I'm going to sue you. Unless you want to settle at the court. Oh, my God. Amazing. Amazing stuff. I would definitely, I mean, Oh my god. Amazing. Amazing stuff.

I would definitely, I mean, we gotta get Pornhub and all the big companies behind this. There should be a bidding war for this type of content. Oh, I know, man. I mean, no one is gonna make funnier pornos than me. And, um, I'm

disabled, so it's a win-win are pornos than me. And I'm disabled. So it's a win-win-win for everyone. Absolutely. Win-win-win-win-win. For sure. So what's been happening this week with the quarantine? Anything exciting going on? Yeah, I'm going to be on

America's Got Talent. You're going to make Tony spit up the table wine. What? Jeremiah, what did you say? How? I said you're going to make Tony spit up the table wine. Oh, that's one of the hit table wines. I wish I had someone.

Yeah, I applied online. The world already loves me, so America should be easy. And I have a person on the inside. I just have to cut all my butt fucking jokes. I have to cut all my butt fucking jokes out. But then I'll be good. That's true. Sometimes you gotta kill your babies.

You know what I mean? You gotta lose those butt-fucking jokes that everyone loves. Hey, can I make a plea to the audience? Absolutely. Hold on, wait a second. What happened? Hold on, wait a second. What happened?

Oh, your cord fell out of your mic. You got to get your cord. Something's wrong with your connection. Hello? Oh, we got you, we got you, we got you. We can hear you now. Really? Yep.

All right. All right. So, how much time do I have left, Tony? Well, probably only a few weeks, bud. Oh, okay. Well, probably only a few weeks. Oh, okay. What, uh... Yeah, that's it, Red Band.

Make a plea to the audience. Go ahead. In 1998, I graduated valedictorian from Central Wyoming College in Riverton, Wyoming, on the Wind River Indian Reservation. The reservation the movie Wind River was set on anyway, I deserve to be 2020 Central Wyoming College Alumni of the Year. I absolutely agree. If there's any way for us to contact Central Wyoming College. Riverton, Wyoming. I was valedictorian in 1998. Yep.

And now you've gone on to become a comedic lord of not only the world, but soon you will take over the United States of America when you win America's Got Talent. And let's face it, if they allowed butt-fucking jokes, they would have no choice. It wouldn't even be a competition. But since you have to cut those, I still

think you're going to win, minus the butt-fucking jokes. But I agree. I think the listeners of the show should contact... you know, we tried this before with the one wheelchair company, but they don't respond to people. They have a very, uh, that one wheelchair that you wanted. They made a lot of noise and they contacted that wheelchair company, but they don't, they don't have an active social media and they, they don't, they simply don't do negotiations they're like apple they just simply

don't give discounts they don't do deals but i think that if enough people make some noise central wyoming college in riverton wyoming i think we can get you alumni of the year would you go back there to accept that award yeah there's a luncheon. A luncheon. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Heck yeah. Red Band wants everyone to vote for him. There's a luncheon.

Hey, real quick. I sold my bike chain for $800. Wow. To Jimmy McHugh. Shout out to you To Jimmy McHugh. Shout out to you, Jimmy McHugh. I appreciate it. And I want to say bye

from my nurse-like girlfriend. Love you, honey. Hey, look at that. Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. Silent guitar.

Is the sound out again? Oh. Put the mic towards the camera. He's just moaning. Oh, no. There you go, Red Band. That's another Red Band. Can you hear us?

Yeah, now we can hear you. All right, go. Baby, play. Baby, play your heart out. Play your heart out. Yeah. Slap that bass, y'all. Yeah.

Wow. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's it for me, y'all. Hell yeah. The great Michael Lair. We love you. Great stuff.

Michael Lair, everybody. Fucking awesome. We love you, Michael. MichaelLairComedy.com. We love him. Michael Lair is the best. And to close us out here tonight, we're going to have one more set from a stranger. Let's get right into it. This is the Manolo, everyone. Here's the little music in the Manolo. Here's the Manolo. Hey, everybody. It's Manolo. I'm actually stuck in Tijuana right now. Can't go back over to the States because apparently everything

shut down. Man, I remember when I was a kid how I used to take it for granted whenever my dad wanted us to go over to the states. I used to hate it. He would force me and my sister to go and I used to cry and throw a fit, but he wouldn't care. He would just yell at us and tell us to keep on swimming. Yeah, and I remember my grandma used to scream out loud that she wished that we would drown. Man, can you imagine that? Me and my sister, we were just babies getting baptized in church.

Poor woman, that granny. She's dead now. I actually got kicked out of a funeral. Funny story, I don't know if it was because I was wearing a baseball cap and a Kobe Bryant jersey and church and a gold chain. I mean, they did tell us to dress all black. Don't get black with all that. Thank you very much.

Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Manolo. The Manolo. You've been on the show before, right? Yeah, third time. Third time, that's right. Two in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store.

Yes, sir. My goodness, you're at the nicest place in all of Tijuana right now, huh? I'm in my house right now. Your house, your house. That's where you live? Yeah. In Tijuana? Lucky.

Well, no, no. I live in San Diego, but this house I have in TJ. Oh, wow. You own it? Yeah, yeah. How do you own a house in TJ? You can own four houses for the price of one in the U.S. How much does that cost, a house like that?

Let's put it this way. A $500,000 house in the States costs around $130,000 down here. Wow. Oh, my God. And the prostitutes are so cheap. So a bug. And all you have to worry about is being murdered by the cartels. That's it. That's it.

Yeah, that's the only catch. You ever have any trouble down there with the gangs and the crime? Well, when I was younger, but no more, you know. Not anymore. Look at that place. They, like, only in the gh ghettos it's really hard they got chewed out every night and but but like in the what would you call them yeah the ghettos right right yeah that's what we call them um how do you have so much money that you have a house in San

Diego and Tijuana I don't have much money it's uh well house actually, my dad left it to me when he died, and I remodeled it. Oh, awesome. And in the States, I rent. Awesome, awesome. Fuck yeah, definitely. I love that you added a laugh track to your set to let us know when the laughter could have been. Yeah, I didn't know it was funny, and then I heard the laugh. Right. Yeah, because he got us to laugh with the laughter could have been yeah i didn't know it was funny and then i heard the laughs right yeah yeah you actually got us got us to laugh with those laughs were uh from george lopez's

first special actually is that true i don't know i just his jokes everybody's entertained by that uh you have any special uh mexican contraptions in your house? Do you have, like, a wine cellar or a piñata room or anything like that? Since this is sex toy night. What? Oh, my goodness. You actually, now, do you use that as a penis pump or do you like to get, like, mice out of your ass? It actually works as a pussy pumper as well.

That's a good silencer. Heck yeah. That's a good silencer. My goodness, why do you have that out in your living room like that? Well, he's on his laptop in the living room. I've been doing this C3 Do3 challenge. You know, like the C3 do 3 challenge

You know like the C10 do 10 challenge Oh that's right You're the cam guy Yeah so I've been doing the C3 do 3 I love it You see 3 of these See 3 of these It's a napkin

And C3 do 3 Wait what C3 three of these it's a napkin and you do and see three do three wait what no see three explain the rules we're a little confused there's yeah there's sperm in them oh oh my god oh okay so you see three yeah so you see three you do three three. And you can nominate people. Like, I can nominate Joe Berg or Red Band. And what would they have to do? I can nominate. Well, do three. Three masturbations and three papers.

Three masturbations? Why do you have a Hitachi? What is that? He has a Hitachi. Why do you have a Hitachi? For playing pussy. Oh, my God. So I nominate Jet Ski.

See three, do three. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't talk to her like that. I'm going. I nominate Jet Ski. See three, do three. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't talk to her like that. I'm going to need something much bigger than that. Hold on. Everybody slow down. Slow down here.

We got to take it one step at a time. We're overloaded with information right now. What do you do with those contraptions that you just held up? Well, like on the Shatterbee,

remember the Shatterbee thing yeah if i have guests if i get if i got guests oh i thought that was uh steve harvey's microphone from uh the family feud and how about the why was the purple dildo attached to a rod? I'm a little confused at that contraction. Let's see that one more time. It's a vibrator as well? Oh my god. And a hair dryer? I didn't know they had those attachments. Jesus, look at that thing.

Look at that. Looks like Q-Bert. Oh my god, that is incredible. Don't look at it in the eye. That is like a... Can you give haircuts to the thing as well? After seeing that I'm with Trump dude Wow so

When you do this cam stuff I had no idea you lived in Tijuana So you probably get some girls to come over Pretty easily Some cheap girls How much does it cost to get a girl from Tijuana over? The stimulus is going a long way right here.

A long way. But I live in San Diego. But yeah, so you can get a girl here for 60 bucks. Hot girl, too. Mexican chicks. Wow.

Mexican chicks. Oh my goodness. Can you get a Mexican hook? 60 bucks. Can you get a Mexican? Are you going to be in TJ next week? If you want me to, sure. Do you want me to bring one over?

Yeah, I want to talk to a Mexican hooker. Do me a favor. Here's what I want done, okay? I want you to write her a set. It can be anything. It doesn't have to be funny at all. And I want you to have her come over, throw her a little bit It can be anything. It doesn't have to be funny at all. And I want you to have her come over, throw her a little bit of

cash or whatever, or however you want to do it. Whatever you got to do to get her there. And then have her read the set for 60 seconds. She can do it. We had a five-year-old on earlier do a few jokes. It's going to be a five-year-old too. No, make sure she's not

Oh, go ahead. tell us what the only catch is other than the only catch is yeah uh it's gonna be a it's gonna be 150 if she speaks if she's bilingual you know really solo español of course nobody speaks it's fine it's your money go ahead that's fine 150 you're paying for it. Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying. I mean, if you can afford it, then have it be bilingual. But at the same time, I feel like a Mexican hooker speaking Spanish, doing jokes, I feel like the jokes and language doesn't even matter. Yeah, we could just have Joel translate it. Yeah, Joel can translate it afterwards, and we'll figure it out.

My ancestors are rolling in their grave right now, but honestly, I support sex workers. No nudity, but if she could just be sitting on the Hitachi while it's on at the same time. Of course, of course, of course. Absolutely. This is great. Now we have something to look forward to next week, our first ever Mexican hooker on Kill Tony.

She might not even be speaking English, but it gives us all something fun to look forward to. What do you think about this, Hal? You're a Christian. Tell us what you think about a Mexican hooker performing on the show that you're on. I think that desperate times call for desperate measures, and we need to bring joy to people in different ways, so I'm all for it. Oh, now we're having fun. All right, cool.

Now we're having fun. At the expense of my people. All right. Yeah. The Manoloolo anything else crazy we should know about or talk about before we go like yesterday oh two things i i just want to i just want to say a crazy story that happened to me yesterday i have a and i also i made a drawing of you guys a police sketch like we love we love drawings of us go Go ahead. But I want to tell you this crazy story that happened to me yesterday.

Yeah, go ahead. So I have a hot-ass MILF neighbor, right? Uh-huh. Next door. And yesterday, out of the blue, she knocked on my door, right? She just came here with her face mask on and her night robe, right? Looking all hot, MILF. And she just told me that she started confessing to me that she hasn't had sex allro, right? Looking all hot and milky. And she just told me that she started confessing to me

that she hasn't had sex all quarantine, right? All quarantine she didn't have sex and that she wanted me to help her out with that. That she was horny as fuck and she wanted me to help her out with that, right?

So you know your boy, right? You know your boy, right? You know I had to go all night and babysit her kids for her to go with another guy, right? And then you drew us? Wait, yeah. I don't have the laugh track.

I love that. Okay, let's see this drawing of us that you did. Wow, look at that. Oh, wow. Wait, what the fuck? That's actually awesome. Wait a second. Yo, I look like when you crack a fucking bird egg open and it's got like a half-formed fetus.

Let's zoom in on that Joel. He looks like an egghead. I mean, that's pretty legit, though. Oh, my God. This is two weeks in a row of us getting Joel drawings. That's a dildo. That's not your dick, by the way. I mean, it might as well be.

It's clearly on a waistband. No, it's dripping. Brian said he's gotten back into potatoes lately. That looks like the mask from the Goosebumps episode. Again, another lumpy head for Joel. Yeah, what the fuck? What is that? Everybody keeps giving... Zoom into this. Zoom into my fucking head.

I see it now. Look at that. I don't have a lump. I have one lump. I got one weird lump. No, that looks like I got hit with a cast iron skillet or something. That looks like the diagram of the current COVID

situation. They're flattening the curve there at the top. He's got the mold there too. That is good. I think that's interesting. I do have that mold there. That's weird that two artists two weeks in a row it's so it is true that's a great tony spot on by the way tony your mom texted me she said just play the drums bitch that is true hey i pulled manolo's name out david lucas is the bucket that's an incredible david lucas yeah i had pretty accurate me too yeah red band chicano cholo red band what that's red

band that's what red band looks like constantly hiding what he actually looks like behind a bunch of apparel what does it say chatterbait search history uh how to make money by just clicking buttons that's true I mean there's Jeremiah spot-on look at that whoa heck yeah that's the classic Jeremiah dry good we got jet ski up above there with the vroom vroom right better box scroll up let's see jesse johnson wow you are great it almost looks like a mad magazine style yeah that's great look at chroma there too that's that's what that looks better than chroma does in real life r.i.p chroma chris wait is there a william is there a william did i miss a william is there anyone else what's in my fuck oh the bleach isn't that's incredible great drawing and nothing amazing

He's he's got the drumstick of his butt Joe bird Okay, and how much did you have to pay a prostitute to paint this for you is that very accurate We love it, thank you Man Manolo that's the Manolo everybody thank you so much dude we'll see you next week you're gonna be on you have a guaranteed spot with a Mexican hooker the Manolo music on Instagram and YouTube the M-A-N-O-L

O music all one word Ryan J and uh before we okay guys thank you before we check in with uh Ryan J E-Belt before we... Okay, guys, thank you. Before we check in with Ryan J.E. Belt, we have what appears to be another piece of art that was sent in.

Shockingly, it... Oh, my God. Wow. No, you can't leave. No, stay here. You look cool. That's what you look like, Joel. You look like that.

You got the eyes of that blind guy You don't even have the lumpy head on this one. Look at that. He look he looks like he looks like one of those human body exhibits At least you have an Adam's apple Did your human body Spot on Joel, that's beautiful. What a great can Would you like to perhaps hang that up over your bed? Yeah, sure. Honestly, yeah.

We should get that blown up, get a big print of that. I look like I have what Michael Lehrer had. Oh, come on. It doesn't change the way you look. Michael Lehrer's a good-looking guy. There's no lump on your head on this one, at least. Yeah, look at the top of the head. That's true. Who did this? I like that my head this one, at least. Yeah, look at the top of the head. That's true.

Who did this? I like that my head is smooth, at least. Yeah. That is an incredible... I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't mean to drag you into this. Yeah, I don't know why you would do that. Because I was offended.

I was hurt. I didn't know what to do. Oh, my God. The head isn't quite as lumpy as your head, but the eyes are spot on. I know. How far they are. It's weird that now the whole room is having fun. Weird.

Now that I'm not, everyone else is. It's incredible. His mouth looks so chill like a Dia de los Muertes doll. And let's zoom in one last time on his chest. What if the EMT is not saving this guy, first of all? Can we zoom in on his chest real quick

and see the burns from the serious accident? Wait, who the fuck did this? That is from Batman Xenomorph on social media. Oh, really? You're going to bring up a real photo of me? We have another drawing. Can you zoom in on that?

We have another drawing that was sent in of Joel here. Oh. Oh, now everyone's having a good time. I told you for the... Oh, my God. All right. Let's check in with Ryan J. E. Belt.

We find out that is Ryan J. E. Belt. Yeah, that's just tonight's drawing. Ryan, if you did that... Look at that marker. Hi, Ryan J. How's that's just tonight's drawing. Ryan, if you did that. Look at that marker. Hi, Ryan J. How's it going, my man? Oh, my God. Did that drawing of Joel Berg come alive?

Ryan J., can you hear us? Okay. What? Guys. What? Guys. What? Oh, it's the delay. Hold on. I just want to hear this thing out because it is mind-boggling.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Jeremiah's legitimately scared right now. It's so cool that Zordon from the Power Rangers is calling into the show. It is one of the most incredible audible anomalies in the history of the show. And that's definitely not Ryan J. Ebo. David Lucas' daughter drew this. Ryan J., can you hear us?

Oh, my goodness. Are you using some type of voice changer? Oh, my God. Was that you? Okay. Jesus. There's something going on with the sound, Ryan J., but that drawing is fucking cool as hell.

I love the youthful style of this one. It's definitely a change of pace. I love it. That is so cool. Did you use crayons on that? Yeah. Oh, my God. on that yeah oh my god if somehow we can figure out to mimic this sound all the time if ryan jay always sounded like a uh like a super goblin i am so confused that is incredible. I'm so jealous you'll love that. Oh, look at that.

Look at Jesse. Look at that. Oh, I love that. That is so fucking cool. That's like the old drive-in movie theaters animation. Yeah. Well, I talked to Ryan today and he asked me if I said I looked like a thumb and then I think he just ran with it.

That's hilarious. Heck yeah. That's great, Ryan. Absolutely. Another amazing. This is one I can say with no ego, this is one of my favorite drawings of all time on this show. Incredible work. Thematically beautiful.

Like Red Band said, almost a throwback to those old school movie trailer previews telling you to get your candy and your popcorn from the studio or from the lobby. Ryan J's artwork draws every single episode. Icon of the show. RyanJEbelt.com for every single print that's ever been made, every poster that's ever been made, including the brand new Kill Tony T-shirt, which features a poster on a T-shirt.

So you can kill two birds with one stone, get a poster and a t-shirt at the same time. Why not? Ryan J., we love you. Thank you so much. Anything else you want to say before we let you go? May the 4th be with you. I look like the Cleveland Indians logo. What is happening?

You do. Like Chief Wazoo's tacos. I look like the Cleveland Indians logo. What is happening? You do. Like Chief Wahoo's tacos. That's it. That's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel, and that's tonight's episode. We did it again. We're going to be on the road, supposedly, at the end of this year. Salt Lake City, Miami, Austin, San Fran, Bakersfield, Tacoma, D.C., Salt Lake City. Bunch of stuff coming up.

Exciting, exciting, exciting. We have Gage. We have, look at that, double drawings tonight from Ryan J. Ebel. Incredible stuff. So that's exciting. We'll be back next week with another episode. Don't forget to resubmit your submissions to KillTonyQuarantine at gmail.com. And film it sideways.

Don't do the up and down with your phone. Just turn your phone to the side. Easy. What is it? Absolutely. 2020, guys. Here we go. Here's one of the sadder parts of the show where I throw it over to Jeremiah Watkins, everyone.

Jeremiah was the band leader tonight. He has his own show called Jeremiah Wonders. Go ahead, Jeremiah. Josh Potter was my guest this week on Jeremiah Wonders. Oh, okay. Yeah, Venmo is at Jeremiah-Watkins. And I got some great merch at JeremiahWatkins.com. Some Feminist Stacey shirts, Darwin shirts, Bison shirts. Oh, the Bison.

All that good stuff. Very good. And, yeah, got some exciting, got an exciting project coming up maybe with Tony or something down the line. Who knows? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. We have a lot of stuff that's coming out. Exciting stuff that is all happening.

Yeah. Jeremiah, stand up on social media. Love you guys. For sure. There he is. Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. How about a big hand for Jesse Johnson, everybody? Did it again.

The jet ski. She's on social media. Jet ski Johnson. Vroom, vroom, vroom. Anything else we should know about Jesse? Shout out to my mom and all the moms. Next time we'll be back, we'll be after Mother's Day. My mom watches every episode.

Oh, I love that. Yeah. Thank you, Mrs. Jetski, for making such an incredible daughter. I've roomed right out of that. There you go. Heck yeah. She lives in a three-bedroom house in Arizona. No.

Oh. Why would you guess that? Maybe Tristan? Yeah. Ludwig's very own Joelberg Joel Jimenez was here tonight. He's at Mostly Sorry on social media and for his performance on tonight's episode. He's Mostly Sorry for that as well. I'm not.

I'm not. I brought the fun. Big announcement. Oh. I'm starting my own podcast, guys. Picked up the equipment today. Oh, there we go. Oh, guys, really?

Now music? Oh, okay. Go ahead. I got the fucking, the email, mostlysorrypod at gmail.com. Send me your questions, your segment ideas. Go ahead and email those out. I'd love to hear from you. Me and my co-host, David Deary, are doing this.

So, yeah. See you guys soon, you fucking idiots. Hold on a second. Did you get David Deary to leave his apartment to help you with this? No, but I did drive by and pick up equipment today. He gave me the microphone, a camera. We're going to be doing it. Did he stand near you during any with this? No, but I did. He did. I did drive by and pick up equipment today. He gave me the microphone, a camera. We're going to be doing it.

Did he stand near you during any of this? It was pretty far, but it did get tested two days ago. He got tested. Yeah. And it came up nothing.

Haven't gotten the results back yet. Well, he can't. There's no way he can have it. I drove by his house. He threw the camera out the window and I grabbed it going 60.

He's so scared to death right now. He loves you guys though. He says hello. Hey, we love David Deary too. We wish he was here. Shout out to the people that I grabbed it going 60. He's so scared to death right now. He loves you guys though. He says hello. Hey, we love David Deary too. We wish he was here. Shout out to the people that do make it here. Charlie from Vito's Pizza. Allegedly. From Speedweed, Betterbox and DamnGoodCo.com

to get an awesome candle. We also had another special guest here tonight. Paid regular from the Comedy Store. You know him from his amazing Yelp reviews. It's Lucas Hurl, everyone. L-U-C-A-S-H-I-R-L on all social media platforms, correct? How can they find your Yelp review videos?

Facebook, Instagram, YouTube. YouTube. What on YouTube? Lucas Hurl. Lucas Hurl. It's funny. Lucas H-I-R-L. He's a paid regular at the Comedy Store.

He's another one of the top Young Rising comedians In the world from the great state of Iowa He's a real hawk eye I once took him to open for me At a show at Iowa University And uh Anyway fun stuff He's helped us make a lot of great videos and sketches over the years

That we've both been in Lucas is one of the backbones of the Comedy Store Uh There all the time A fun friend, a great comedian the years that we've both been in lucas is one of the backbones of the comedy store uh they're all the time a fun friend a great comedian and a great drinking buddy also a great person to do mushrooms with total drug addict yeah a lot of fun a lot of fun has been had i grew his comedy accolades he's great at drinking i've gone to the circus before with Lucas Hurl. That's how much fun Lucas is. I went to a circus in Los Angeles with Lucas. That was at the family reunion in Iowa.

Hello. I do this new podcast called, or YouTube show called Virtual Red Band. We're going virtual reality. Check that out. We've got up to 35 episodes. Also tomorrow, Dead Air, Brian Holtzman. We got Earl Skakel as a guest. Brothers in Cursive, William Montgomery and David Lucas' podcast.

We do this Wednesday or Thursday. So check out DeathSquad.tv. Thanks, guys. Good night, everybody. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week with a Mexican hooker and a whole new slew of people. Kill Tony Quarantine at gmail.com for your submission. There you go.

Good night, everyone. Bring in the fun.