KILL TONY - KILL TONY #454 – QUARANTINED #9

Episode Date: May 15, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/11/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You can also click on Tour Dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st.

Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book.

He has some posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And he also has the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Better Box Studios for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey, hello, everybody. Another damn quarantine episode of Kill Tony. How are you, Brian Red Band? I am doing good. How are you, buddy? Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Sacramento, and San Francisco, all in 2020, a year that they said would never happen. I heard that the Skankfest pre-sales for the spring are already sold out. Yeah, I guess so. Is that 2021? No, 2020, I think.

You're talking about Skankfest South? Yeah, South. They're rescheduled. Yeah, it's all happening. Everything's going on. We're here in Betterbox Studios with the great Gino here making it all happen. The great Charlie from Vito's Pizza, our favorite pizza place in Los Angeles, is here. One of the great things about Betterbox is a candle company. They have a candle company called Damn Good Candle Company, damngoodco.com.

And they have a brand new Kill Tony candle that they made. It smells like a spa. Gwyneth Paltrow has a candle that smells like her vagina. I have one that smells like my butthole, which surprisingly smells like eucalyptus. Wow. And a male spa, an all-male spa. A lot of eucalyptus and a male spa, an all-male spa. A lot of eucalyptus up there. A lot of the uke, as we like to call it for short.

That's short for eucalyptus. It's called Hinch Me, I'm Dreaming. They came up with the title, not me. That is not Writers Guild qualified there. That's hilarious. But for only $6, you get it. It's a two-ounce travel tin, six bucks. Hinch me, I'm dreaming at damngoodco.com.

That's damngoodco.com. You can light that up and have sex with your significant other. You like having sex, Red Band? Not with the smell of your asshole in the room. I think you do. Because my asshole smells like eucalyptus and you're going to try it. We're going to get you one of these candles.

I can't wait. And if you go soft, good news is, come on in, Rick Kostick is here visiting us from the fame of Jackass. Have a seat over there. Squeeze on into there. Squeeze into that bad mama jama uh you can have sex with the candle burning and if the smell of my asshole makes

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And remember, when you support our sponsors, you help make this podcast possible. So please be sure to use our promo code KILLTONY at bluechew.com today. Yeah! Let's just jump right into it. Actually, I will say this. the great ryan je belt of course is drawing tonight's episode we're going to check in with him at the absolute end of the episode to see what he drew he always draws it along with the theme of the tone and the vibe and the energy of

the show adds in some fun stuff oh and by the way uh last i heard because we couldn't understand him last episode and he had drawn two different things, and one was in crayon. That was because of David's daughter being on the podcast. He gave a little... And he also drew the one with his left hand. Oh, really? Fun fact, yeah. I didn't know that.

Yeah, I believe that's at least a rumor. I don't know. We're hearing a lot of rumors lately. They're going back and forth. Also, shout out to the great Anthony and Gage working hard in the booth for us. Follow them on social media at underscore strange taste, strange taste underscore, and

Gage T-R-E-N-E- G-A-G-E-T-I-J-E-R-I-N-A Yum, yum, yum. And let's get it going, everybody. No need to delay. I will show you the way. We have a band on this show.

Every single week they commit to being different characters. Now we are missing a Joel Berg this week. He is self-quarantining. He is visiting his Mexican parents this week who are a little bit elderly. And he's staying away from everyone in order to get to visit them. What a great maneuver. Having to visit your Mexican parents is the most Mexican thing that a Mexican can do, and he is avoiding us just in case.

However, we do have the other band members are here, so let's see what the characters they are this week. Maybe it's brand new characters. Maybe it is characters we've seen in the past before. Let's all find out together. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Jetski Jesse Johnson. What?

Wow. All right. Hell yeah. Heck yeah. Okay. This is brand new for sure. For sure, for sure. Okay. What's up?

Welcome. How are you? What's your name? Hey, what's up? My friends call me Rona, but you could call me COVID-19. Whoa, that is so cool. You heard me. The actual coronavirus is here.

I love that. Fuck yeah. Awesome. It's good to be here. Heck and uh who's this this must be blue tune next to you yeah i am the bubonic plague whoa the bubonic plague very topical um that is also in the news just as much as the coronavirus how you doing bubonic og representing over here. This little disease has barely killed anyone,

in my opinion. Yeah. Well, I'm on top right now, baby. Heck yeah. Look at that. She is in the limelight. She is the Takashi 6ix9ine of diseases. You're more like a little witch.

Dr. Dre, don't forget about me. I love it. I love it. This is very exciting. This is the first time we've had coronavirus and bubonic plague on this show. Very fitting that you guys are here. And exciting. So great.

Let's just jump right into it. This is a show where we used to have at least 500 people in the room, all cheering and losing their minds, going wild in between jokes, sometimes not going wild in between jokes, and letting us know that what we did clearly just wasn't funny. We have none of that now,

so nobody knows what's funny and what isn't, and nothing translates quite as well. Anyway, people still send in sets. We watch them try to perform for 60 seconds. Some of them are great. Sometimes we just go over what they wrote a little bit. And of course, as always, I try to find out more about them. We're going to get it started with a bit of a banger here. This guy is actually a golden ticket winner out of the great state of Iowa. And here he is for his, I believe, only the second time in the history of the show on a special coronavirus edition. Here is golden ticket winner, Aloe Mean, everyone.

And I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? Alright I don't belong here Sounds great I don't belong here Alright, here is Allo Mean, everyone

Here we go Yo, what up, Kill Tony Crews, your boy Allo Mean I'm at work right now, I want to do that for you Allo Mean, everyone. Here we go. Yo, what up? Kill Tony Cruz, your boy, Allo Mean. I'm at work right now. I want to do that for you. I used to watch the roadcast. I know you don't fuck with the air horn. Let me tell you a little story about the air horn. It got me in trouble the other day. I'm at a red light, and this minivan pulled up next to me,

and these kids are in it, and they're all doing this, trying to get me to do the air horn. And I thought it would be cute or funny, so I faked like I'm going to pull a rope, and I went instead, and they were so pissed. They didn't think it was funny at all, especially the little one. There's a little one in the rear-facing car seat, and he's looking at me right in the eye, and he had just a look of rage and disgust on his face. It wasn't like I told him Santa Claus wasn't real.

It was more like I walked up and slit Santa Claus' throat. He was super pissed. And then the light turned green and they pulled off and I got scared so I tried to give him the real thing. But I think it was too late. And this is, you know, small town Iowa so they don't see a lot of black people around here. I'm worried

I might have created a racist. Y'all pray for me i'm alamine peace alamine i don't belong here yeah all right what is up alamine joining us all the way from iowa how are you what's up what's going on i'm good how are you i love it oh there's sirens someone must have called the police because we have a black man on the show um it's uh it's good to see you again you've only been on the show once is that correct two times i was on omaha and then des moines that's right that's right omaha then des moines absolutely and uh heck yeah um so you have big, that's a big horn in your truck. Yeah.

What do you do for work again? I drive a semi. Computer repairman. Right. But what do you do driving the semi? Just delivering stuff? No, I move trailers around a city in Muscatine, Iowa. Oh, okay. And are there many black truck drivers yeah i think so really i don't know i i never really count but it's a um i bet everyone i bet

everyone in iowa does god damn it that's the eighth black that's the eighth colored truck driver i saw this week they must have stole that truck i don't know why we got southern accents here that's weird i love it man i love it so uh how you been doing during the quarantine they still got you working full time? Until this week, so it's perfect timing. I've been working all the way up until now. They're laying us off one week a month for

the next four months. Oh, okay. So that's not too bad. That's not that bad at all. That's a good way to keep people from going on unemployment. Just lay them off for one week a month. You can still file for one week of unemployment, though. Heck yeah.

We're even doing that here on Kill Tony. We started with Joel. Next week, it's going to be another band member who has the week off, and we're going to just keep rolling with it. So, Al-Omein, I see you have a picture of Michael Jordan back there. Is that right yeah yeah what's he doing in that picture looks like he's wearing it's the classic one he's got all his rings on his hand oh okay all right have you been watching the last dance yeah i watched probably

three episodes i need to catch up heck yeah you do, you do. It's incredible. I watched it last night It's pretty dope fell asleep watching it and woke up and Continued watching it. Thanks to Express VPN. I watch it on Netflix with no commercial interruptions whatsoever Anyway Heck yeah, is it censored on ESPN? No. No, it's not? It's uncensored? I was surprised. I heard him say fuck in the first episode, and I was like, oh shit.

Wow. They're not playing. It's an incredible documentary. You forget how much fun all those characters were. Bill Cartwright, B.J. Armstrong, Pippin. Scotty Pippin's voice in this is unbelievable. I actually was thinking the other day, you have a Pippin impression?

Bubonic Plague, have you ever done a... Well, they do call me Black Death. Hey! Have you been working on a Pippin at all because of this last dance thing? A little bit, but it's a little out of my range. It's very, very low. Very low.

As low as it goes. I was thinking, I was picturing last night how funny it'd be if you were Pippin and Joel with his bald head was Jordan and if Jesse was Phil Jackson, but a man can only dream. You know what I mean? Where you live,

is it open up yet or is it still locked down? They have certain areas that have different levels of closed down, but it's never really been all the way closed down. We're one of those states that were the last to hold on because we don't give a fuck about us. Goddamn right. Iowa is as American as it gets. The only restaurants there are Waffle Houses.

Waffle H houses are open. Waffle houses are open. They are the first restaurant across America to open. Meanwhile, Ruth's Chris Steakhouse accepting government money and clothes. How is, how does any of this make any sense? I love waffle house. I bet you sense? I love Waffle House.

I bet you do, coronavirus. I'm all over everything. You have that place scattered, smothered, and covered without a doubt. It's one of those places they say if you work there or you eat there a lot, you're probably immune to it. That's true.

I'm a fucking huge Waffle House guy. People are always surprised when I tell them that. You're not, right? We always disagree. Brian and I have the opposite, complete opposite taste. I grew up where the Waffle Houses were connected to strip bars. And so it was always considered like.

Strip malls. No, strip bar, like strip clubs. Like there was a strip club next to a Waffle House, like in three in columbus wow or as you called it heaven heaven right but no so i would only go there at late at night and i don't know just compared to like the other places that were around i never thought it was i thought it was always greasy and gross but it could be just the locations who was it oh that was ali mckoski ali it was one of the nights i was trying to figure out which one of you guys it was, but we were in Arizona, and

I'm like, I'm fucking hungry. You want to go to Waffle House? And she's like, ew, no, Waffle House is disgusting, and it, like, made me... You ever just lose, like, 6% of respect for somebody? Like, oh, you think... Not only do you not like Waffle House, you think it's disgusting. It probably went both ways. For Allie, and

for you. Right. right because she thought i like waffle house but i mean it's all in what you get look you go to the waffle house you don't get the fucking waffle but are the waffle or you don't get the you don't get the waffles you get fucking hash browns and you deck those bitches out like crazy you get salsa in it you get the fucking the cheese the what else is there i'm i need a menu the onions for fucking sure jalapenos jalapenos tortillas tortilla you get crazy all the all these jalapeno and tortilla references are making me miss joel i'm getting a little bit emotional here how about you what's your one he's never He's never on when I come on the show. I think he's avoiding me.

That is true. He is scared of you. What do you get when you go to Waffle House? It's rare because we don't have any in Iowa. No. I'm a big fan of hash browns, though. Good news. There are now.

They just built Waffle Houses. That's fun. Allo, what's something that is interesting about you that we haven't found out on your other appearances? Fun fact about Allo. I can make an announcement. I plan on coming out there the week of your birthday if the world opens back up by then,

but it probably won't. June 8th? Yeah. Beautiful. Abso-fucking-lutely that'll also be the if there's if there's comedy at the store i doubt it how long have we been doing this show is that seven years or eight years this year almost seven or seven oh well very exciting i hope that uh i hope that you make it. And we will see you then. I think everything will be open by then. Thank God you're not in charge. That's like three weeks from now.

I doubt the comedy store is going to be open in three weeks. Anyway. Yes. No. No is the answer. Red Band is telling you to stay in Iowa, and he is announcing when the comedy store... Ever since you got that mosaic on your wall, it seems like you run the answer. Red Band is telling you to stay in Iowa, and he is announcing when the comedy story... You know, ever since you got that mosaic on your wall,

it seems like you run the joint. Yay. Ted knows. Okay. Al-O-Mean, it was great to have you. Funny stuff, as always. Can't wait to see you live in June, hopefully. All right. Peace, y'all. The great Al-O-Mean, everybody. Al-O-Mean.

Yes. Very exciting music to go into. I don't belong here. We know. We know. I don't belong here. Absolutely. So let's keep it moving.

Let's get a stranger in here that we haven't met before. Those are always fun. And that is going to be the comedy stylings of a man named Andrew Wardle. Here's Andrew Wardle. All right. And here's some music. Here's Andrew Wardle, everyone. What's up, guys? This is Andy calling from Sicily in Italy. I'm actually from England. England conquered the world, went all over the fucking place and pillaged and raped and shit.

We found a place called Sri Lanka. We called it Ceylon because it was full of Ceylon tea trees. So we just fucking called it Ceylon. That's like calling, you know, arriving in Thailand and calling it underage pussy. Or, you know, going across the water to America and just calling it, it i don't know fat fucks arrows or something like that i hope you like that one uh yeah what's up wow my goodness andrew wardle an incredible performance. If you like John Oliver masturbating in bed. Hi, Andrew. Hey, how's it going, guys?

Good. How are you? Pretty good. Is that your real hair? Dude, I don't know. It's what's left of it. I'm hanging on to it. I don't think so.

I think you have, it appears to be an extreme abundance of it. I'm hanging on to it. I don't think so. I think you have, it appears to be an extreme abundance of hair. What is that? Oh, it is a, you have a little bit of a wig on.

Yeah, that's his hair. That's his corona hair. Oh, there's your forehead. Yeah. I feel that all the way back it's going to be the end of it, you know? So I'm just hanging on to that last hurrah.

So you're in England right now? No, I'm in Sicily, in Italy. Oh, you really are, in Sicily? Yeah, I have a house here. I bought a house here. Wow. What made you buy a house in Sicily? I was on holiday with my wife wife and she wanted to buy a house

so we bought a house here the next day what wait you were just on a holiday don't you have to like first live there before you can think about buying a house you can just buy houses here and then apply to live here after but i don't actually live here i I live in China. I love this place. Wow. Okay. It's one of my favorite places. Some illegal stuff going on with this guy probably. Wet stuff.

For sure. That's what I thought when I saw him. I'm like, there's some wet stuff going on here. Wet stuff. Did you already have Corona? No, but Corona Jessie Johnson over there, So did you already have Corona? Um, no, but Corona Jesse Johnson over there.

I just thought she looks like if, um, Blanca from street fighter got the Corona virus. I don't know about you. Uh, do you want Corona? I'll take it. I would love to just get in there and have it, the body.

Just own it. I love it. What a sense of humor the coronavirus has. So, Andrew, what do you do for work? I'm a teacher. That's why I teach in China. And I'm stuck in Italy right now because I was on vacation in my holiday home and then we couldn't go back to China

and we thought, oh, we're safe. We're safe from this shit. And then it kind of followed us to Italy and started killing everyone. My God. It's a very hairy situation you have going on over there. You should have definitely got it. Yeah, you should have gotten it.

Especially since you're in all that wet stuff huh i left the house twice in two months they locked that shit down like pretty soon over here and for a long time so Heck yeah, fingers crossed indeed. Absolutely. What does your wife do? She's also a teacher. She teaches at the same school as me. Oh.

English, right? Did I ask you that already? You teach English? Yeah. Yeah. You both do? Yeah. What an easy fucking gig that is, huh?

Ah, we teach English, because we know that. We know that for sure. It's an in, you know? Absolutely. You just start talking English, and you're hired. What's your favorite thing about Sicily? The oranges and the wine a lot of wine there right a lot of wine at a good price so much wine and i'm definitely an alcoholic there's nothing else to do other than drink wine just just bottles and bottles littering

the house right typical english teacher shit right there just drinking yourself crazy because you have a job that uh that's easy and doesn't really satisfy you at all well we can teach it from here to my kids in china so i'm pretty lucky that i still get to work i guess oh that's great heck yeah yeah so you know I'm just sat there with like, you know, my pajamas on, half in bed, just telling them, you know, say this sentence, say that, you're fine. See you next day. See you tomorrow or something. Do you put any festive backgrounds behind you while you teach them? I do. I do tend to present myself on the beach or some place exotic. I really feel jealous that they're still stuck in China and I'm in Sicily in Italy. You ever do stand-up comedy before, Andrew?

No. First time. Well, you know, kind of first time. Do they do stand-up in Sicily? How long have you lived there? Well, I live here in the summers. I'm in a small town, so there's not much comedy going on over here.

But there is comedy in China. A few people have popped up over there. I think Ari Shafir was there. I didn't get to catch him, but I think he goes around two times. There's a few comedians in Beijing. Yeah. Yeah, I want to go there so bad. I want to try that Asian tour.

Go to all those Asian countries. You should travel. China's wild, man. Yeah, for sure. We know you love traveling. International trips. You know me. This guy loves it. Yeah.

That's fun. What else, Andrew? What's a fun fact about you that we would be surprised to know? You know any magic tricks or anything? No, I'm a guitarist. I play metal. That's my skill, I guess. Oh, wow.

That's surprising. What kind of metal? Bronze? Bubonic plague. Heavy. Heavy metal? Really? Yeah. Have you ever been Heavy metal? Really? Yeah.

Have you ever been in a band before? Yeah, you know, on and off. Nothing of a note. No kind of like, you know, friend bands kind of stuff. Maybe 10 years I had some YouTube videos and stuff, but yeah. What was the name of your band? It's so bad. I remember the band

I left before I went to Asia. I've been in Asia for about 10 years. Asia is a very popular band. The most popular. But no, if you're a white guy who plays guitar in Beijing, you can play a couple of times and you get paid pretty well just to play.

Because, you know, Chinese people want to see white people on stage playing, you know, anything. And they go crazy. Oh, this guy knows how to rock and roll. This guy rock and roll like an American. England and America have the best rock and roll. This guy rock and roll like an American. England and America have a rock and roll. That was Tony Hinchcliffe. That's me.

That's me. Have you checked out Babymetal? Checked out Babymetal. Pretty cool. Yeah, I love him. For sure. Alright. What's your... You have any special moves in the bedroom? This episode's sponsored by Blue Chew. You seem like the kind of guy that's into some kinky shit.

You have your hair pulled over your eyeballs. I like to think that, did the carpets match the drapes? Does your hair cover your entire dick and balls? I did shave recently, a couple of days ago. But no, there's, my wife bought this face massager a couple of days ago. But no, my wife bought this face massager a couple of days ago, and she thought it would be, you know, she used it once on the face, and was like, you know, this has to have some kind of better, more efficient purpose.

And so she was giving me a blowjob, and she says, let's get the face massager going on. And just kind of put it on the balls, massager going on and just kind of just kind of put it on the balls not not not in the ass just maybe around the asshole a little bit but mainly on the ball and i wasn't opposed to it it was weren't opposed to it i like how he started off with the first saying not at ass at all right and then he quickly became closer to the ass and then it's like well one fistful yeah i've never been a fan of the vibration anywhere near the dick or the ball. I said, have you ever tried that?

Like, I've tried something similar, you know, like fucking the girl while the dildo is like in her ass and just any kind of vibration. In her ass? Yeah. But the Asian accent was too much. That's Tony Hinchcliffe. I think he wants to tag me, but we're going to work our way up to that. Wow. Has she said that?

Has she said, I want to peg you, Andrew? Yes, when he gave her a letter and said, read this. I want to peg you. Oh. Oh, you do? Great. Here's the strap-on. I have three requests for this marriage to work.

Number one is peg me, please. Yes. Number two, peg me. No, she has expressed some desire after finding out what it is and thought, oh, that might be quite fun. I don't think she's considering my pleasure in that matter. It's quite invasive, I hear. Yes, indeed. Having things shoved up your butt would be considered invasive, to say the least.

Can you say something in Chinese for us? We need a laugh. My Chinese is terrible. Maybe, ni hao ma, let's just say hello. I get by with charades and looking white. That is incredible. Let's ask someone who's actually spent a lot of time in China, coronavirus. Can you speak some Chinese for us?

You've been there. You were born there, right? Well, honestly, I've been around forever. And then all of a sudden, people think I'm just some overnight success. Like, it's crazy. All my haters. Exactly. But no, not really.

All right. Well, Andrew. People love you out there. Heck yeah. Absolutely. Well, Andrew, fun times. Oh, shit. All right. Wait, what? Walsh or Lauscher means I'm a teacher. That's, that's it. You know,

did you just look that up? There he is. Andrew Wardle, everybody. There's Andrew. Thank you. why ain't nothing but a heartache tell me why ain't nothing but a mistake tell me why I never want to hear you say I wanted that way the great

William Montgomery is joining us live from a patio in Los Angeles, California, looking better than ever. I have been, I'll just say, well, let's see if you acknowledge it first, and then I will later on. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to hand it over to William Montgomery until he stops talking. Go ahead, William.

It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno is what I told my wife when the prostitute showed up a day early the guy that invented Adderall must have been on it call me old fashioned but I think a woman's place in the kitchen is in the oven here's my newest pickup line Call me old-fashioned, but I think a woman's place in the kitchen is in the oven.

Here's my newest pickup line. What's your favorite school shooting? But seriously, a little PSA. People need to stop sending me messages saying I look like Travis McMichael, the guy that murdered Ahmaud Arbery. I look nothing like him. I'm a lot more fit than he is um seriously people need to stop sending me those messages it's been non-stop ever since the horrendous murder there you go there it was william montgomery ain't nothing but a heartache

ain't nothing but a heartache you probably get sent shit with any redheaded guy right you probably get that all the time all the fucking time it's a nightmare yeah but seriously why'd you shoot that guy that was just jogging uh i don't like blacks yeah is your friend there this week? He's not. He's actually no longer with us. Oh, wow. What happened to him? Did he go for a jog? No, we were actually in his Nissan Altima shooting out gas station windows, and a cop pulled us over, and he shot um so warden's warden's no longer with us anymore he's a really great friend great guy i miss him i mean that was incredible that gunshot

happened and a different version of you popped up on the screen i don't know if I don't know if people saw that. Yeah. William, that Adderall joke is unbelievable. That's one of those fucking one in a million one-liners that is just absolutely incredible. Who wrote that? A good friend in Memphis. It's the guy who's writing all my jokes now. I love that. Mr. Montgomery.

Yeah. How are y'all doing? I sure miss y'all. I'm still quarantining. I got to go back to work at some point, though. Oh, you have to go back to the storage facility. That seems like one of the more essential jobs that would be happening. Are you sure they didn't just move on without you,

without telling you? No, I'm still employed. We've talked. I haven't worked in like a month and a half, which I've loved. But yeah, I got to go back. I told him maybe this Friday, but I might turn it to next Friday just because I've gotten so used

to not having to go up there. Wow, two of my favorite movies mentioned there, Friday and next Friday. Perhaps even the Friday after Next would be the one that you actually show up to work. That's fun. How's your girlfriend that beats you doing? How's that going for you?

It's been good. I've still been hanging. I'm in her grandparents' place in Reseda right now. I've pretty much been living over here. The bubonic plague has something. In this time period, you let the woman strike you? Yes, it's weird. I'm, yeah, sort of a, somewhat of a pussy in bed,

and she took advantage of that. Then it turned into uh just debacles at the mall or whatever you want to call it yeah it's at the mall we're working through it yeah yeah yeah we were going to the mall a lot before all this happened what what oh before it before the pandemic yes we were going there all the time why What would you do at the mall? Go to the Orange Julius stand. Yeah, and do what? Get Orange Juliuses.

Wow. Wow. Get a pizza. That's incredible. You had a joke about a prostitute, which reminds me, I didn't mention at the top of the episode, that we still believe that Manolo will be joining us at the end of this episode.

We, last week, booked a deal in which he would write a minute for a real-life Mexican prostitute. We're going to see how this goes. Fingers are crossed all the way that everything goes well going goes well with that that's coming up at the end of this episode what do you think about that william a real have you ever met a mexican prostitute before uh no have you ever had a prostitute in general or like any hand jobs from a massage parlor or anything, there was a nice black lady named Imogene in Memphis who I used to pay for hand jobs. She's actually no longer with us.

What happened to her? Yeah, it was a fun time. She died, I think, of complications from strep throat. Oh. She was giving blowjobs too, obviously. Yeah, strep throat. Ooh, here comes the bod.

Look at that. I've been walking a bunch, y'all. I'm super fit now. Yeah, looks like it. You look fucking great. Yes, you are fit for my era, yes. William, how are your parents doing back in Tennessee? They're doing good.

It was my mom's birthday the day before Mother's Day. So I had a good long conversation with Frances. She's doing well. Yeah, they're all doing well. How far do they live from Nashville? Memphis is like a three-hour drive. All right. Yeah. But yeah yeah they're all good

if they want to come see if they want to come see Dave Chappelle and Joe Rogan at the end of September I'd be happy to throw them on my guest list cool I'll let them know they'd totally appreciate it alright it'd be fun

well as always I miss y'all I wonder when all this will will start back up at the comedy store i have no idea that is true neither do we but it seems like red band seems to have it's not going to open in june is it anyway uh william oh who's that? Who is that? What is that? Come on, stop. That's the grandfather.

Wow. I can't believe you're quarantined with elderly people at this time. It has been quite the situation, but it's been all right. I love that the one person that even we won't allow in studio is quarantining with elderly people. I know. And random black guys here and there whenever they want to come hang out. You guys really just. You know what he told me? I'm brothers.

Is that he like when he had his friend come over, he's like, hey, you know, my friend's going to come over. He's like, well, don't let him in the house. Oh, my God. That's why you're on the patio. Now it all makes sense. All right, William, we love you very much. We miss you and we'll talk to you soon. There he goes, the great William Montgomery, everybody.

I need nothing but my baby. Oh, here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of eva lacy here's eva everyone and some music first here it comes there's eva lacy here comes eva lacy so i had to stop going to therapy recently um not because of quarantine or anything like that uh but because i just didn't have time for that negativity in my life you know like she always wants to talk about my dad and I'm like bitch if I knew the nigga I wouldn't be here like come on but I don't know I think I suffer more from disciplinary issues rather than daddy issues because like I think it's so fucking weird when girls call their boyfriends daddy but then they think it's weird

that I have to ask to go to the bathroom. So there's that. But speaking of bathrooms, I just finished watching the Surviving R. Kelly docuseries. It was pretty good. I just can't help but think like it couldn't have come at a better time. Like no, like seriously, he could really use that money right now, you know? But I mean, I don't know. I've never been one to care about age. I used to have a crush on an older white guy. And it was really weird because I would just offer him mints and quote Seinfeld. So we didn't last too long. But, yeah.

Heck yeah. I believe I can. Eva Lacey. I believe I can touch the sky. Think about it every night and day. Spread my wings and fly away eva lacy ladies and gentlemen eva lacy hi eva hi how are you pretty smile thank you is absolutely incredible normally red band's being frightening but he actually took the words out of my mouth on that one. That was the next thing I was going to say. That is an incredible

smile. Are those your real teeth? Um, yeah. Teeth that look that good are normally like someone had them smashed out with a baseball bat as a kid or something like that. Like to have unbelievably white perfect teeth take some type of like tragic accident in the teen years. Well, she only had one of them so that's pretty good

what do you you had one one what she had one one of her teeth knocked out oh that's it those really are real huh it's fucking incredible unbelievable all right eva so let's jump right into it where are you at uh san jose oh nice heck yeah i love san jose beautiful place the home of the great san jose improv you've been there right bubonic plague anytime yeah indeed uh eva you ever do stand-up comedy before yeah i just started in january awesome yeah you had a good You had a good structure to your set. I love the bathroom Markelly segue and things like that. It showed that big difference from Andrew Wardle, who just really sucked it up from Sicily.

You know what I mean? That guy just all winoed out. It was refreshing to have you do jokes. Terrible smile as well. Yes, and not nearly as easy on the eyes. The great Eva Lacey. Eva, what do you do for work? I just recently got laid off, but I was a greeter.

A greeter, like at Walmart? No, at a restaurant in Los Altos. Oh, okay, cool. at a restaurant in Los Altos. Oh, okay. Cool. Heck yeah. Much less special needsy job than a greeter at Walmart.

What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone when you greeted them? Oh, no. I don't know. There's going to be a bit of a wait. Sorry. You are a mean mean mean wench you brought up something interesting uh women calling men daddy in bed that has always frightened me i hate that so much i love it you do do you really is that true is this a real is this bubonic plague or a little bit of your mom i mean your wife says daddy in bed yes

my plague wife says daddy in bed no it's creepy i i mean especially when it's not even like the sex daddy where you it almost sounds like it's real like there's something real behind it yeah and like don't get it don't get it yeah that's what it sounds like very good bubonic uh there's there's it's always something great when you're you know maybe having a one night stand and you're like oh this chick's damaged or dirty like that's always fun um but there's something about the daddy thing where it's the opposite like it's a sad kind of dirty and disappointing like it's just like, oh, daddy. Like of all the things.

Like that's almost basically a safe word for me. Like it's just like you're reminding me that I didn't have a dad in my childhood. Like lady, you're not the only one with daddy issues here. Oh, daddy, you didn't have one. Yeah. And it almost forces you to like play along too like did you do your homework and shit like that and then it just gets too creepy wait what it's like if you say go to your own time i'll come back in an hour make pardon good sir

eva you have a boyfriend yes i. I just started seeing somebody. Oh, wow. During the quarantine? Yeah. Like right as it hit. Wow, look at you. Danger. Danger. How'd you guys end up hooking up?

On a dating site or something? Yeah. Yeah. Tinder. Wow. And then your first date, what was that like? How did that go down? It was actually really cool because the parks weren't officially closed yet. So I went and

I'm a good person. So I went to go pay and they were like, oh, it's free. So that was pretty cool. Yeah. And you met him at the park? Yeah. Okay. Is this a white guy or a black guy? He happens to be white. Hey, look at that. Come on, play some music or something. That's our race. It's a big deal when we get a beautiful black woman to join our, uh, demented side of things. Well, this just is very awkward. Bubonic, it's a comedy show you're on. Oh, the awkwardness.

You're dressed like a plague so how many dates did you wait until you you gave that up oh jesus ew red band makes anything disgusting yeah till you gave that up i mean that's maybe why she has a nice smile right now what oh god just stop red band oh my family's listening in so i'm we're actually celibate so is that true you celebrate a lot is that true no you're fucking with us, right? Yeah. Right. Interesting. What does he do for work? She not only eats. There you go. Yes, I know. Never mind. I know. Never mind. Very good. What does he do for work?

He's an ice cream. No, I.T. I.T. Cool. Oh, wow. Really? She lives in San Jose. Everyone's IT. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. Interesting.

How about your past dating life? Was it mostly white guys or? Yeah. Yeah. Heck yeah. So you've got a Hillary from Fresh Prince Complex. I guess you could say so. They had Fresh Prince of Bel-Air during the bubonic plague?

Like I said, I am the Black Death. I know all culture. Wow. I love it. Do you have any special skills or talents, Eva? No. No? Oh, not really, no.

You sure? You're not like the masked singer or anything like that? I wish, yeah. What do you like to do for fun? Hobbies or anything? I journal, like, a lot. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Look at that. I'm just constantly writing. Huh. What do you normally write about um to be honest i just like write about my day or like short stories a lot of uh comedy bits and stuff like that i love it i love that i sometimes write in my journal i'm like this many people died today it was a good day. Where do you keep your journal? In the sewers.

In the what? In the sewers. In the sewers. Oh, my goodness. Bubonic. You are wild. He actually does write in his journal every single day. I've seen him write. You have books and books, don't you?

How long have you been doing it for? Because I moved to L. to LA 11 years ago. Wow. It's true. I've seen some flights back from some cities. I have fallen asleep on a flight, and Jeremiah will be journaling, and I will wake up four hours later,

and sometimes he's still journaling. It's very interesting. I would love to get my hands on those journals, wouldn't you? it's very interesting I would love to get my hands on those journals I swear to god the second I can get away from Tony and Red Band I'm going to never talk to them again

oh you own a company I do I do alright Eva so much fun such a great interview. Such a little positive aura of energy you are. Thank you. And track us down, and we'll get you into the, if you can make it to Sacramento when we're up there, we'll throw you and your white boyfriend on the guest list. And maybe it's that white boyfriend. Maybe you'll even have a new white boyfriend by the guest list and uh maybe it's that white boyfriend maybe

you'll even have a new white boyfriend by the time we make it to sacramento but uh we'll get you into that show just remind us and uh we'll get you in eva lacy everybody there she is the great eva lacy thank you eva she's evil lacy l-a-c-e-y on social media william is will William.f.montgomery1. Allo mean is at Allo mean. A-L-O-E-M-E-A-N. All right. Here we go. Another complete stranger. Anything can happen. This is a minute of comedy by Matt Markman, everyone. Here's Matt Markman. So the other day, a belt salesman approaches me. He says, hey, can I help you find something? So I'm looking for a belt. He said, what's the Here's Matt Markman. on your waist, get it up around your neck. Just do it for the look on their face. They will lose their shit. Just be looking in the mirror like, oh no, that's not it. Get another one.

Like, what goes with blue? They also sell this stuff at the grocery store called My Monster Spray. What you do is you give it to your kid, he sprays it under the bed, sprays it in the closet, and it leads him to believe it will protect him from the boogeyman. And that's great, but when I was growing up, I would have bought a case of my drunk uncle spray.

And my wife, I think my wife is a tranny. It's little things, like she throws the football, she throws it perfect spiral, like Drew Brees. And something she said the other day, while I was sucking her dick, she just, um... Hey, fuck yeah. Hey. Absolutely doodly. Heck yeah. Love that song.

Matt Markman is here. Hi, Matt. Hey, how's it going? Great. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. I love it.

Where are we talking to you from? Where are you at? So right now I'm in an RV in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Oh, awesome. I fucking love RVs. Do you drive it around a lot or are you mostly stationed out of Mississippi? So I was I've been doing comedy in Vegas for like 16 years. And in February, I quit my job and bought an RV. And me and my wife and my five year old went on a-month tour across the U.S. to do comedy.

Fucking love it. Love it. I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with that idea. I'm obsessed with that style of fucking living. Me too. I mean, that is just absolutely fucking awesome. I once lived in an RV.

A little fun fact, fresh out of high school, my brother and I both lived in an RV, a little fun fact, fresh out of high school, my brother and I both lived in an RV in Burbank, California, very close to where death squad studios is and where red band lives. Um, and that was my initial contact with California. We lived in an RV that, uh, we actually paid a, um, paid a house owner money to park it in their driveway. It was fucking awesome. It was one of the most fun times of my life. I was 19 years old, and it was a dream. Eventually, we ended up breaking that RV.

We drove it over the Santa Monica Mountains and blew out the engine. Oh, shit. Yeah. Back then, this goes to show how technologically advanced we were in 2004. But we had a paper map, and we saw that the shortest distance to this party that was at basically Malibu Beach was this one route. But you couldn't see the elevation on this paper map. So we took a 29-foot RV over these hills. This is also the closest to death I've ever been.

I don't know if I ever talked about this on this show. My brother, who is the least spiritual man that I know, swears that the brakes weren't working on this RV when we were coming down the other side and that it was an abs that like some external force saved us from going over the edge. Like it didn't make any scientific sense. We ended up blowing out the engine. The next day we found out about the blown out engine. We didn't even know because it's sort of like sustained and then spilled its coolant everywhere when we got there. I'm trying to make this long story as short as possible, but the tow truck

driver who it's a specialized tow truck that is used to tow 29 foot RVs ended up saying that it doesn't make any scientific sense that this 79 fucking decked out RV made it over the Santa Monica Mountains. Like he's like, if you guys would have gotten stuck up there, I can't even take this tow truck up there. That's super powered, you know, multiple wheels and all that. So RVs bring up. I have a fun history with rvs and um some of the best i don't think people realize how fucking amazing great rvs are i guess you can actually tell right now because you look like you're in one of the best kitchen setups that we've seen out of all of these quarantine episodes and you're also the only person in an rv wow it's

pretty dumb we bought it. It's a 2003, but my wife wouldn't take it the way it was. All these cabinets were brown, but we had to repaint everything, put up a backsplash. No, it's nice, man. It's dope. You're the only person out of all these quarantine episodes that I am actually jealous of their setup.

Yeah. I've always wanted to do that. I've always wanted to get one of those silver Airstreams or whatever they're called. I've looked it up multiple times. That's the thing. Really, the only thing truly keeping

me completely in Los Angeles is podcasts and the Comedy Store Dream, getting so many spots there. If you're going gonna do it what's that i was gonna say if you're gonna do it don't do it in the middle of a pandemic when they shut all the comedy clubs down right right right for sure and when did you start this did you say january you know what no um february we left and actually one of the first shows i did

was at the store i followed uh one of the first shows I did was at the store. I followed one of the last comedy chaos's that you were on. Oh, I was like one of the first comics that nobody gave a shit about. I'm friends with Sam Tripoli, so he got me up there. And then a week later, I did a show with Jesse. We were doing shows with Jesse in Glendale, Arizona. So those were some of the last shows yeah yeah so i actually met matt for the first time that weekend right before all the quarantine he was featuring i was hosting and uh yeah it was he's awesome it was cool that he got on the show oh thank you

yeah i just want to make sure i wasn't saying that um fuck yeah where you parked right now like like what city so i'm in hattiesburg my brother-in-law lives out here he's got a big piece of land so i'm i like i'm like couple feet from a pool i'm not doing bad right now honestly i'm having a pretty good relaxing run right now but yeah it's working out for sure but having an rv does cost money um so you like saved up for that you have a bunch budgeted we got we got some money put aside so it kind of worked out my wife worked at a casino that closed the hard rock and they're becoming um uh virgin so she actually got laid off so she was already on unemployment. And then I had some money put aside and I hated my job. I used to work in a pharmacy and I was done.

Oh, wow. So, yeah. What did you do at the pharmacy? I was a technician. Not quite the high paid one. Right. But yeah, I've been doing it for about 16 years. What was your least favorite part of that

job uh people right helping people they're coming in demanding sick thinking that they're the most important person right now right i mean i can only imagine how shitty that job is right now i god love the pharmacy people but i left right at the perfect time i can't imagine having to work it now yeah yeah for sure um so stand-up comedy wise what is your uh 16 years you said right yeah yeah basically just stayed in vegas um you know i didn't want to go anywhere vegas is nice because you can get up every night um right in the same town and i like that any highlights or low highlights or low lights of your 16 year career um i mean i got to work with a lot of great people that when i was setting this tour up i was able to hit a lot of people up and get vouched for at a lot of clubs so i mean it was working out nice so that was probably the best thing and i was in it pretty much all the major

clubs brad garrett's uh kimmel's la comedy so i mean i was doing good there so i just wanted to branch out and you know it was three weeks was was a blast you know i had a great time at the at the store in arizona um the last place i was was denver when all this hit and my buddy brant tober was getting me up at the uh at the um that's the one in denver right now comedy works yes yes which was amazing and i had a bunch of other spots up there and uh and then all the shit hit the fans so we drove to austin because it was a big snowstorm coming and we had friends there so we stayed there for a month and then drove here two weeks ago i was kind of waiting for it to blow over does that sound fun

oh it's the light sounds so fun it is awesome man i love every part of that type of living the fun that can happen there i mean you guys know every uh every october i drive uh i'm the happiest guy i drive everybody in a big one of those econo vans like a big one 16 person mercedes fucking crazy van for uh kill tony mania every year but the real dream obviously way down the road is uh is to have something like that and get to lug everybody around in a fucking fun apartment like that yeah it's cool to have like all your stuff in your vehicle yeah you get this part you'd be like oh there's my tv TV, my bed. It's nice. And it's just really, you know, there's something nice about traveling nice, even if you're the driver.

It's fun. Yeah, yeah. And then the kid can go to the bathroom or sleep or make a sandwich. My wife can get up and walk around, take naps. I mean, it's really cool. Yeah, that's awesome stuff. Anything else we should know about your life, Matt, before we let you go? Any fun facts about you?

Honestly, I started comedy to get over horrible, horrible social anxiety. I was trying to be a firefighter, and I had to drop out of the academy because I was throwing up at the academy. My anxiety was so bad. And I did comedy as a last a last ditch effort to try and overcome anxiety and like the day i had to perform i was like throwing up all day and just threw up less and less throughout the years and now i'm uh i can be a normal human being which is pretty cool i also do something awesome i used to have that too uh like just horrible stomach pains i especially

since when i first started rogan used to always put me up in front of like sold-out shows you know and that's like thousands of people and so I would go into the green green room afterwards just hold my stomach in pain for and this happened like for years yeah but now I you know it doesn't bother me at all but yeah I get I get it man it's because I I was always like a nervous person growing up a shy person you know so like me going in front of people that seems ridiculous but now it's you know you conquered it for sure it certainly looks like getting in front of them people just eventually you stop giving it certainly looks like you haven't thrown up in a few years i know

i should probably probably get to that might have built up all right matt fun times, and a great story. I love you talking about that, getting over your anxiety. Matt Markman, everybody. He's on Instagram, a comedian. Matt Markman, all one word. Twitter, Matt Markman, all one word. There he is, Matt Markman.

It's a mad, mad world, and we are joined by super regular and roast joke writing icon, the great David Lucas, everyone. What's up, David? What up, dawg? What's that sad ass music? I know. It's been sad all night. Jesus Christ, bro.

What are y'all doing, man? Jetski, you look like Shrek's side bitch. And Jeremiah looked like an Armenian avatar. Avatarian. Yeah, I keep thinking every time I look at Jet Ski, you look exactly like the lady in

Beetlejuice that... In the waiting room. In the waiting room with the legs cut off next to her. She's filing her nails. You know who we're talking about? She is... I don't, but... Can you pull that up real quick, Gage?

Yeah. It's on the couch. Classic. Yes, indeed. She is... Bruh, I did a comedy show this past weekend. Oh, yeah. Talk about this. This is really interesting. Was it the one in Burbank? Yeah, I did a comedy show this past weekend. Oh, yeah. Talk about this.

This is really interesting. Was it the one in Burbank? Yeah, I did an outside comedy show. So basically, this group of comedians from San Diego have found like vacant parking lots that they do shows. They release the location like a couple of hours before the show. They have eight different microphones that they keep on cleaning off how about everybody sits check the lady and when they when they first check in to the i'm pretty sure it's actually the one that gives them their number or something like

that i'm so obsessed with beetlejuice now i want to figure this out sorry david we're going to get back to that show in a second but But now it's fucking with me. It's fucking with me now more than I saw that. There it is. That's what I'm thinking of. When they first check into the prom girl. To the afterlife. There's a lot of strains that are really similar

to me. That movie is so fucking unbelievable. All those people killed themselves. If you look in the, when they are in the dead part, that part, purgatory part, all the employees

that have to work in the afterlife all killed themselves. That's the punishment. Imagine that. Going there and seeing Brody when you first have to check in for dying. I messed up big time. How dare you I'm stuck

In purgatory You got it So David How are these outdoor shows going for you So it's cool because they stay in their car It was my first one Yeah everybody stays in their car I mean some people were outside of their car

But they have it hooked up to where The people in their cars can turn it to. So this weekend it was 107.7 and you can actually hear the comedy. Okay. Instead of like. Now you've got my attention. It's like a real drive-in. Yeah, drive-in movie.

Clubs are doing it too in Arizona. Like big clubs. Pull your microphone. Your microphone's rubbing up against your breasts. Pull your microphone. Your microphone's rubbing up against your breasts. They would have, yeah, so they flash their lights and shit. I love it.

It's cool. That's what they do if they're laughing. What parking lot was it in Burbank this week? At Fry's. Some shit you probably all know. Oh, shit, yeah. Oh, heck yeah. You love Fry's. at fries some shit you probably yeah oh heck yeah you love fries and you love guys hey come on well well well

me and tony were on live this past weekend for like a good 20 30 minutes it's true david uh david roasts people nightly anybody who makes fun of people on Instagram Live, I tune in and join in on the comments. This is true for Jeff Ross's Insta roast, David Lucas's nightly roast, and Andrew Schultz's Corona's Got Talent. I can't help myself. That's my equivalent of sitting in the back of the OR late night

and heckling Don Barris, who I ran into this week i saw that i drove up to the comedy store just because i had to kill 20 minutes i'm like i'm gonna go stare at the building for 10 minutes because that's how obsessed with the comedy store i am and it was my first time there in a month or two and 40 seconds after i pulled in don barris pulls in behind me and we hang out for 20 minutes. It was so cool. Unbelievable coincidence of timing and the fucking

weird comedy store gods pulling us together. We laughed about it tremendously. What the fuck were we just talking about? The drive-in. The drive-in. That is so cool. That's the perfect parking lot for it also.

Yeah, man. And the fucking police officer, lo and behold, when the black guy was on stage, the police officer pulled up. And he's like, you better be funny. Oh, that's cool. I just started roasting his ass. That was in Burbank? Yeah. That was in Burbank.

I told him. I said, nobody respects Burbank police. Y'all ain't killed nobody yet. Jesus Christ. Y'all ain't got nobody. From my understanding and my past experience, Burbank police are some of the fucking tightest, worst, meanest. They give tickets for cigarette smoking when that first started

which is like the equivalent of modern day like walking on the sidewalk and taking off your mask for a second and getting tackled um i don't mind but at least i won't leave dead they once took my buddy away for the night they put him in jail my buddy that won the price is right during that visit after he won the price is right he was here for a couple more nights and he got sent to their local jail for a night because he had a theatrical sword much more theatrical than even this one um and uh the burbank police said that even though it's not an actual sword it could scare people into thinking it's a sword and it was in the trunk by the way you had to search the trunk to find oh you even have it out correct yes what the fuck yes absolutely that's that's that's why those people in burbank act like that though

yeah rough rough times there two of the whitest guys you've ever seen in your lives that's crazy you don't ever see videos of that right you don't see videos of the most boring videos in the world white guys getting arrested for shit that is ridiculous maybe we need to post more of those so that everybody feels like it's equal oh is that weird there's not a racist bone in tony's body unless he's getting hit from the back. Oh, come on. Son of a bitch.

I do not have sex with racist men. I make sure they're not racist before they get up in this sweet, sweet candle ass. David, what else is shaking anything else fun you still losing weight or you give up on that yet nah bro i mean exercise is keeping me sane dog um i'm i'm i'm aiming to be under 300 by this summer i won't know but i'll know if that makes sense yeah yeah that could happen i believe in i was in a uh i was in a 2xl shirt on the podcast like two weeks ago it was a little snug but at least i was in that motherfucker oh that's small right huh i mean i wear a 3X, dog. Wow. Look at that. Triple X. Somebody call Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel, they got shit on me, dog.

Wait, do you think you could fight Vin Diesel and win? Bruh. I ain't going to say nothing because people might take it the wrong way, bruh, but I ain't no punk. Whoa. Wait a second. This is very exciting. Everybody is standing up

right now. They are very excited. Is this a challenge, perhaps, that you're putting out for Vin Diesel when the quarantine is over? When I get around the weight of 275, I'll get in the ring three rounds with anybody.

Wow. This is exciting news. Luis J. Gomez just came in his pants all the way on the East Coast. If Luis J. Gomez gets in the ring with me, dog, he's going to grow hair again. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. All right, David. it's just like fun like i i like i like like fighting for a sport not like i hate you you know what i'm saying but like just like we put on the proper head gear and stuff and i'll i'll spar with anybody fuck yeah you're like mike as long as Let me see if I can get a comeback

You're like You're like Evander Holyfield of potatoes He's like George Likes four men He's like Vin Greasel Okay now you need to shut your ass up I'll take it. It counts.

It counts. Hey, Jessica, you over there looking like the fake green phone they put in artificial flowers. Hey, you do look like that. That's another thing you remind me of right now. Yeah, you dumb witch. What made you think of that? And what you got on your shirt? Oh, that's how my brain works, bro.

Those are molecules. They're my molecules, yeah. I can't believe you called me art and craft. Hell yeah. All right, David, we love you. Intergalactic UPS delivery driver. I just got served. There he is, David Lucas.

We love you. Watch him on Instagram, nightly roasting people. David Lucas, funny all one word. Hilarious guy. And up next, you guys can just keep playing if you want. I'll just keep introducing the next guy. Coming up next, a stranger yet again. Goes by the name of Dustin. So here we go. Here's a minute from Dustin, everybody., yet again, goes by the name of Dustin.

So here we go. Here's a minute from Dustin, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it comes, Dustin. Sorry, I was all the way in the back. I didn't really think I was going to get it. Good. All right, I'm just just gonna jump right in.

These people are lazy aren't they? There we go calling them people again. Mannequins uh more like mannequins am I right? Fucking dummies. Mannequins, am I right? Fucking dummies. Last time I checked, most of these freeloaders are just standing around, taking up space. Some of them dress pretty well, I guess, but none of it really fits me the same. none of it really fits me the same. So a mannequin walks into a box. Can I finish it? Okay, thanks.

I love it. I love it. Amazing. Just amazing. I can say without any doubt one of my favorite sets of this entire quarantine you put it all together there and the cutbacks to the mannequins were amazing yeah and you paid homage to all the buffoons that we've had on this show in the past that have uh not known what to do with the mic stand and didn't know they were going to get picked i love that dustin how are you my man doing all right good good where are you at

i'm in birmingham alabama wow yeah i didn't i didn't realize they had people that had boatloads of common sense in Birmingham, Alabama? You born and raised there? Pretty much. I moved here when I was like three or four, so yeah. Okay. What do your parents do for work? My mom is retired, and I don't have a clue what my dad does for work right now. Kind of a gone Italian.

Connecting with you there. He is somewhere. Not around. Yeah. Okay. He's in waste management. Yeah, we might have the same father, actually. We might be brothers, Dustin.

Has he ever been referred to as Joey Slaps? That's a real story. It's a real story. One day, one day, we'll be able to cover all of this. Why so many mannequins? Is there a reason? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Buddy and I own a business.

We do merch and things. So we have those to dress up when we set up. We also do videography, animation, and shit. So hence being able to actually cut and do stuff that wasn't super shitty. Fuck yeah. I love that. Looks like a goddamn Death Squad podcast. Yeah.

If you need any more mannequins, I got a bunch to get rid of. Heck yeah. It's actually really funny. This one mannequin behind me, we almost gave to Steve-O when he was at the Stardome and he said he was going to explode it. So we kept it because we needed it, which we just happened to see him on Instagram looking for a mannequin in Birmingham. Yeah.

I wonder what Steve-O really was going to do to that mannequin if he got his hands on it. I don't think he would have exploded it. He probably would have. He said that he was going to blow it up with fireworks. Yeah, I was going to blow it all right, dude. Yeah. Dude, I was about to suck a mannequin's dick, dude.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Oh, Steve-O. I love it. You got a girlfriend out there, Dustin? I do not have a girlfriend. Half of one right there. Have you ever dated a mannequin before?

Good question from Steve-O. Have you ever taken one on a date? I haven't fucked any of the mannequins. I did leave the one with the tits out for Red Band to look at while we were... I like it. You know, Amazon has sexy mannequins you can buy, and they're pretty cheap. Ones with bigger boobs and bigger butts and stuff like that, if you ever need a sexy mannequin. Dude, why are you searching for that?

I have like 10 sexy mannequins, if you want any. Wow. All right. So Alabama girls, let's talk about it. They get pregnant very easily. What are your thoughts about it? Smothered and covered. Alabama women.

I don't know. I mean, hit or miss. Some are good, some aren't. Just like, you know, I don't know. Yeah. Birmingham, do they have a stand-up live there? Is that right? Or is that in another?

Huntsville. Huntsville. Yeah, there's not. There's the Stard dome here in hoover we don't have like a real central thing for comedy in barringham i'm there's probably somebody here right now that does comedy somewhere that's like really pissed at me saying that i just don't know of this underground did you vote for president in the last election yes who'd you vote for yes i did we don? Yes. Who'd you vote for? Yes, I did.

We don't want to talk about this. Yeah, you're from Alabama. I think we all pretty much know. I didn't vote for your boy. You vote for Hillary? I did. Wow. Oh, my goodness.

We have losers. We have losers. We have people that don't have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain. He's absolutely correct. That is the president that led us to the greatest economy in American history until late. Until a little blemish called coronavirus.

Yeah. Hell yeah. No, that's interesting. You must have been that one guy. I always wondered who was the one guy in Alabama that voted for Hillary. That's incredible. So that's fun. Dustin, and you live by yourself there?

I've got a roommate. He's at his girlfriend's most of the time so is it a is it a real person or is it a mannequin it is i have uh my business partner lives here as well uh so a lot of masturbating going on over there what's your favorite type of uh porn what's the type of porn that you look at that you're into perhaps maybe only as of late? There's nothing special. I'll go first. I have a new one, guys. I have a new one as of this past week

that I got into for a second and I found really interesting. Maybe we could open up dialogue here like we do sometimes. I found a type of porn called take the condom off porn. You know about this? Yeah. So this is when this is when Gage is clapping.

Gage Gage is a tastemaker, by the way. He didn't tell me about this. But if Gage likes something, that's a sign that it's fucking it's coming. Right. He's the one that told me about Jim Can't Swim, which I mentioned on Rogan this past week, and I get tweeted at every 10 minutes someone saying fucking thanks for getting me addicted to Jim Can't Swim.

Anyway, take the condom off porn is when they start with a condom, and then the girl says, take the condom off. Why do you like that? Red Van just asked you. That seems like unnecessary. It is.

I must say that the shocking thing that's interesting about this is that there's something that is hotter about it than if they start without a condom on. Because it's illegal. No, no, no. It's not the guy taking the condom off without her permission, Red Band.

No, no, no. You can have porn without... He's talking about the filth level. The feeling that you get. You have to have a condom on porn. No, you don't. red band no no no you can have porn he's talking about the the the filth level the the feeling that you get you have to have a condom on porn no you don't yeah you don't no you don't in some states you do but not in all states most of the states in which porn is filmed that's why that's why 95 of porn doesn't have condoms on it and i think porn stars are really the law-abiding citizens you think they are. Well, they have to get tested and, you know. Right, they do.

They'll get fined if they... I have a group of porn that I found out that you don't ever want to watch. You might like it, but I don't think anyone else will. What is it? Because I was looking up to see if they still made those real dolls. Remember those real dolls? I was like, I wonder if they still make them, if they're better looking now. I wonder how much they are.

And then I went on... I wonder how much the shipping is. I wonder how soon they can get to my place. I wonder what it feels like. Unfortunately, there was no videos on their website of the real dolls. I was like, you know what? I wonder if Pornhub has videos. There's videos of guys fucking real dolls on there. It's the most disturbing thing ever because it looks like a realistic woman but she's like like dead or something and it's so it's not even like porn

it's just like what you're just like it's watching guys masturbate pretty much so yes that's exactly what it is that's why i say tony might like it but you guys yeah no that's one of those situations you always try to get me for saying gay stuff, and then there you go, admitting that you watched multiple videos. I didn't like it. I just got stuck in that weird wormhole. How many did you try out? I had like three because I used it.

That's his latest product review online. I used it for my opening of a virtual Redman. Got a new review. I opened a box of real doll videos look at this i got oh my god brian get it out get it out of here and why does it look like corona jetski johnson oh my god all right you took us off into a crazy tangent here somehow, Dustin. It was my fault because you seemed all alone and I asked you about porn and then I brought up take condom off porn. It's because it makes the girl dirty.

Because she doesn't want you to have the condom on. So that makes it hot. It's the opposite. By the way, Jeremiah and the looks he gives me anytime we talk about anything sexual. God help us if it's something new and sexual. Jeremiah has to do 10 Hail Marys before having sex. My favorite is when the girl

is adamant of wearing a condom and you're like, fine, I guess I'll wear a condom. Then halfway through you feel the condom break. I haven't masturbated during quarantine. We know Red Band out there just breaking the condom or sometimes i'll just take her hair tie off the nightstand and put it on so she can feel it when it's dark like oh i feel a condom on red band's condoms break because the pussy is so unbelievably

dry when he's fucking it that yeah it's a small ass fucking condoms that they usually have chicks always have the free ones from Planned Parenthood. How many times have you guys masturbated during quarantine? Many times? Not much. I'm actually at an all-time low right now. Yeah, no. I would say that my masturbation has not...

The curve has not flattened here. It is still at a high level. I just have no alone time. I have to do it when the dog's being locked and that's like three minutes yeah yeah you're really yeah that's a that's a just enough time to watch three real doll videos all right dustin well you know your set, like I said, probably my favorite quarantine-related set of this entire, what,

seven fucking episodes now. So thank you so much, dude. And come out. Come to a show. Make it out. Come to L.A. when this shit all clears up. Hold on one second. What did you say?

I'll see you guys when you come to Birmingham. All right. Absolutely. That's definitely going to happen. There it is. Dustin, everyone. He's on Instagram at HeyBuddyCC and HeyBuddyCC.com. He says he makes a bunch of stuff. So check out his comedy. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. Who says you can't have two golden ticket winners on one episode of Quarantine Kill Tony? I don't think so.

I believe it's this guy's birthday or something like that, or was, or is. Who gives a fuck? I love it. I love it every time he's on the show. The record holder for most appearances all time for a golden ticket winner from Phoenix, Arizona. This guy made golden ticket history by

winning at the age of 20, cashing in two days later on his 21st birthday at the Comedy Store. Ladies and gentlemen, it is once again, Tristan Bowling, everyone. Here he is, Tristan Bowling. Hey, so I got a girlfriend recently. Anyone else fucking? Yeah, yeah. All right, cool. No, I got a girlfriend recently. A lot of fun. We recently got a pair of handcuffs for the bedroom. A little sexy thing. And she was telling me, she was like, Oh, baby, say something sexy while you're pulling them on.

And I'm like, all right, I got you. I got you. I got you. You got the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot inform an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state. Do you understand these rights as they have You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Slut.

And she was looking back at me like, I have no clue what you're talking about. And I'm like, bitch, I'm a fucking cop. Are you kidding me? I take my role play seriously. You're going to jail, slut. Criminal justice is my whore and I will come on the scales of liberty

tristan bowling always a goddamn cold-blooded assassin fastest zoom in the west that's when those kids kids he is he is he's got those fucking tiktoky energies he's one of the you know that's what i that's what i originally fell in love with him for is that he's just this fucking hip young kid that doesn't seem like he should even fucking look he's got a lens flare his three lens flares he doesn't even seem like he should like the show not to mention uh what are lens flares oh yeah god damn right i'm living in a J.J. Abrams movie, dog. That's right. Heck yeah. For sure, dude. How's life going, buddy? What's up, boys?

Oh, I'm doing good. It's my 22nd birthday today. Yeah. It's perfect. Holy shi- I love that. One year ago today, we were all at the comedy store. Packed crowd.

You were on stage. I know. And now I'm just sitting in crowd. You were on stage. I know. And now I'm just sitting in my room like a fucking loser. Fuck yeah. You have a girlfriend now. Congratulations. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm looking at her right now. She's laying down in bed. She's afraid of being on camera. Oh. There you go. Yeah. But I got to. Do you guys want to see her?

You guys want to see her? Yeah. Her red band wants to see her. Let me see her feet. Oh, you're not gonna see her feet, Red Band. God damn it. We're only friends for that. Hello.

Yeah. They're saying hello. Hello. You guys are the cutest lesbian couple I've ever seen in my life. Oh, yeah, dude. Ellen got nothing on our ass. Fuck yeah. Abso-fucking-lutely. What have you guys been up to in LA,

dudes? How you guys been? We're good. You ever heard of take-the-condom-off porn before? No, I have not. But if anything, that just sounds like regular porn with an extra step. It is. It is. See, instead of seeing normal porn i feel like

people go to you know whatever their favorite part is but and take your condom off porn you have to make two stops you have to scan for the part where they ask to take the condom off and then whatever your other favorite thing is question here do the guys ever fight it in the scenario like no i should really keep it on. No, there are no Christian male porn stars that are like, no, I think this is best if we... That would be the worst porn ever.

Have you been tested recently, sweetie? Yeah. Are you on the pill? That's when directors yell cut. These are the good questions, dude. Like, have you ever heard in a porn a guy ask a girl if she's on the pill before she goes

come inside me? That's the only time. The only time they will ask if you're on the pill is if it ends up in a cream pie. That's the only time. There's always a lot of foreshadowing going on in

porn the only thing i've ever heard in porn that's a question is like is dad coming home soon right right it's always am i just looking at weird shit and that's another pandemic that's happening is everything is step sister step brother porn now which i noticed that and i was thinking about this the other day because there's so many of them now that there's only one direction that this could go and that's actual brother actual sister porn oh there is that out there well yeah you just express vpn whoa you think this is the only show Brian produces? Brothers in cursive. He's got a whole nother.

Do you know of any countries where something is legal? Russia. A lot of Russia. Because something that I Googled the other day, because I have been using my Express VPN. You know, they're a sponsor, but don't get it twisted. Like, I am a proud, proud you know card carrying member like i said the last dance i have a huge advantage over you know your regular espn viewers that are stuck watching fucking papa john's commercials anyway healthy commoners right so the other day i google um or when i first got it a few weeks ago i googled uh what type of porn is available in other countries or whatever that isn't available

in america and everything that comes up is literally the laws against child pornography child pornography laws and i'm like oh fuck i never should have even googled this right now like i felt like my door was about to get kicked in yeah because there's no way to actually incest incest porn is uh is illegal in the united And so like other countries, it's actually the real mom and dad or the real mom and son and shit like that. So Russia is really big on that. There's also a lot of like, I guess it's legal, but not real legal. Like there's some countries that have actual rape porn where it's actually people getting really raped.

That sounds horrible. What countries? What countries? Sweden. Switzerland. Perfect. I'm setting it to Switzerland. Yeah.

And, and, and bestiality, of course. And you think bestiality is going to be bad, but you know, if you, if you see a couple of these things,

have you ever seen take the Condom Off, you fucking horse porn? Yeah, like, seeing a golden retriever fuck a girl is not as bad as it sounds. That is true. That is absolutely true. Is that the real video that you've seen? A golden retriever?

Yeah, of course. Use expressvpn.com slash kill tony try it out for what is it three months i'm watching jeremiah just literally this is like when anakin skywalker found out that padme was sick and like he's realizing that he's slowly turning to the dark side right now how many our fathers are you gonna have to say after this episode because it's so filthy anyway uh so tristan yeah where'd you find this girlfriend at let's just jump right into it seven minutes into your interview and what year did you invent the ipod i'm not sure uh no but uh we met on Bumble.

Yeah. No, keep it going. Keep it going. Keep answering the question. We're watching a dog try to fuck a girl while you answer the question. Well, this is this is elaborate and I wish I could be there to join you. But is that the new air? No, turn it off.

Turn the audio off. Turn the audio off turn the audio off oh my god where'd you meet your girl tristan what what the fuck you're playing dog porn how am i supposed to know we're not playing dog porn porn on the fucking screen we're watching dog porn you answer the questions wait we're not i could hear full audio i could hear fully i just heard the scraping of paws on a hardwood it's a bad doggy tristan it's a very bad dog oh it seems like he's getting a fucking treat dude he's loving it what how what you see something i know i don't see shit i can just assume i have a vivid imagination okay so where'd you meet your girlfriend bumble online which i'm not sure if that's how like the

girl and the dog met but i uh all right i'm continuing it was a lot of fun we met during covid so we're quarantining together it was it was cute uh when we first met uh i was afraid that she was a catfish and she was afraid i was a catfish so we're both pleasantly surprised wow that is incredible two fucking just cuties finding each other in this wild world everybody's everybody's still on dating sites during this pandemic. It's just incredible to me. They're popping, man. It's like peak loneliness

time. I'm just lucky I got Mia Honey. Yeah. She didn't like that. She's perfect. Brian has now pulled up animation animal porn. Does that make it worse or better? It's worse. Because you have to think about someone animating every single frame and cell of that.

Yeah, but it's not real, so I would argue it's better. Don't tilt it that hard, you fucking retard. You need a black censorship bar over fucking red band's portion of the podcast that is absolutely incredible when i get home i'm popping a blue chew and i'm going to the dog park Jeremiah has completely shut down He's praying We have ended the bubonic plague Here on Kill Tony We're known for curing many diseases

It appears as though we have If I ever watch porn I just type in porn To the browser and watch the images And that's like like, enough. Really? And you guys are, like, watching dogs fuck? No, we weren't watching dogs fuck. That's disgusting.

I mean, I shouldn't shame you, but it's gross. That's not fun. You play sound effects all the time. Out of control. This is what happens when you keep comedians locked in their fucking houses for three months. This is what it's come to. This is what it's come to. Alright, Tristan, anything

else? You have anything else up your sleeve? You're a little magician over there. Oh, I wrote a little rap for you boys. We love your fucking raps. Classic. I wrote a little birthday rap. Let me, tell me you guys,

if you can hear this beat. Can you hear it? Yep. Yep. All right. Hey, it's my birthday. Turning 22,

feeling like I'm third day. Got the burning of turning up in a quarantine, so gotta get into my setup condition on the low. Hey, sleeping up most of my day oh effects on half of my brain oh scrolling through youtube and thinking about how i used to go up on the stage oh i miss that shit got a goof gun loaded with an extra clip

can't wait to make my way back to la killing tony getting stoney hanging in backstage wishing i was with oh y'all dishing goofing on all these bitches thinking they're funny coming up on me like no no, bitch, this ain't an audition. I ain't in it for the money, I'm just kind of funny, looking for a honey, kind of cunning. Ah, fuck, I fucked it up, but y'all get it, y'all get it. Unbelievable. You're un-fucking-believable.

One of the most talented goddamn young bucks there are anywhere in the world, Tristan. It's incredible, you're another one of these, you're another one of the few comedians that translates online even though you're incredible on stage. You use the stage, you stalk the stage,

you're incredibly physical and colorful, and translates online as well. The very rare comedian to be able to do both. So you're amazing, Tristan. We absolutely love you. One of our favorites of all time.

Happy birthday, buddy. Happy birthday, pal. I love you guys so much. Thanks for having me on here so many times. We love you. We love you forever.

Tristan Bowling. We'll see you soon. Tristan is a comedian on Instagram. He's on TikTok, too, at Tristan Does Comedy. He's such a hip soldier. He's on TikTok. So for all you kids on TikTok, he's also on Instagram. Tristan is a comedian.

Keep that music going as I bring up the legend killer, the Stone Cold of Kill Tony. The Michael Jordan of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Michael Lair, everybody. Here he is. Hi, Michael. Hi, everybody. Here he is. Hi, Michael. Hi, everybody. Hi.

Hey, can you hear me? Yeah. Hello. Yeah, you look, you sound great. Everything's great. All right, let me move then. I said you look great. I know I was moving there for me, you egomaniac.

Like, so I could see you. I love it. I love it. All right. A few notes about the show so far. You go ahead. Jesse broke character at least twice. You know, I wish Jeremiah was here as the only other classically trained member of the ensemble. I feel a simpatico with him. Sympathetic over them, but nevertheless

Tony I don't want to take advantage of your listeners but pilot season is eating my ass again and I need to rehearse some sides Yeah, actually, it's funny. You mentioned that I was actually I actually was emailed some sides from you and Yeah If you want you can run lines together All right, cool. Thank you Yeah, this first one is for the lead. It's the disabled new for the lean is the disabled mute who

yeah um absolutely uh it's uh it's a new series called dr silence powers Powers. Yeah, it's a disabled mute who fights crime. Okay, it says Tony... Bring me in. Let's go. It says Tony plays a criminal. The criminal is definitely a white person.

Okay, here we go. Okay, Dr. Silence Powers, give me your money. I said give me your money, Mr. Dr. Silence Powers. I don't want to have to shoot you, Dr. Silence Powers. Jeez, silence really is power. Take my gun.

I'm out of here. All right, good. Whoa, this is like take the condom off porn. There we go. Yeah. All right. That was for the costume. I'm classically trained.

Tony. Yes. Make sure you don't interrupt with Beetlejuice questions, all right? Okay. Okay. Okay. So this next one. Yeah, this next one says that this is a host audition

for you. It is called Mike's Mechanics Microphone Mechanics. Mike Mechanics Microphone Mechanics. Hi, I'm Mike Mechanics. Mike Mechanics, Microphone Mechanics. Hi, I'm Mike Mechanics, founder of Mike Mechanics, Microphone Mechanics. Sometimes you choose a career. Sometimes your name chooses it for you.

But when I got tired of fixing cars, now I do this. So come with me if you want to learn how to properly hold a microphone. Let's see. Yeah. Let me do a little donut hold on uh-oh doing a donut oh my goodness wait what's that tattoo all right's, Tony, can we finish practicing one more audition? Yeah, absolutely. Let's do a, the last one's a commercial, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a commercial. Will you read me in? Yep, absolutely. If you want to spend a lifetime in your home, but not a lifetime paying for it, bank with capital mortgage and $8 haircuts. Best rates, no down payments. No haircut, no low rates.

Bald or cancer? Try our $8 pet cut. I cut your dog's hair. I cut your fucking dog's hair. I cut your dog's hair. Oh my God. oh my god you're so fucking that was oh that was the best we nailed it you know what one you guys are too mean to brian and i'm gonna start sticking up for him. Hey, you're the one that's mean. You said donuts and you made his stomach rumble.

Yeah, I feel you. Tony, you know, I was an asshole too. And even though I look like I'm in my 20s i'm a lot older than you and this is all gonna come and bite you in your ass like it did me i believe it i believe it absolutely yeah but brian said last week there was a delay and he was right because it was on my cheap computer and now I'm on my iPhone. That's true. There was a delay. I think everyone's mean to Brian because he's dating Aquafina. Brian, because he's dating Awkwafina.

Fun thing is that one time at the Ice House, I was with my girlfriend and I met Awkwafina and it was so awkward. It was weird. It was like literally. Was it Awkwafina? It was. Awkwafina. Michael Lair also Michael Lair also... Michael Lair is also responsible for making me laugh

for five minutes straight yesterday as I watched his new Beyond the Mat, the upcoming fight of Brian Keller. Yes. It is an incredible piece put together with Brian Boom Keller, the fighter that was on a show recently, has a big fight coming up in May, and Michael Lair lives vicariously through him as a diehard fan

and trains in his own way alongside of him. You've got to look up this video on Michael Lair's YouTube. Everything Michael Lair is hilarious. This guy doesn't take breaks to get fucking serious or to tell you shit to watch or that he likes or anything. He's not like, he's not like any of us. He doesn't take a fucking break from comedy for a goddamn second.

This guy is, I don't even come anymore. I was just going to ask you do you have do you have uh what's your favorite kind of porn or like when you watch porn do you have like a yeah brian in all seriousness after i got sick i gave up porn over a year ago, but now I'm getting back into it because I'm like flourishing and I'm like, porn made me sad because you can only imagine how much pussy I got before I was sick. You know, I was a stud. And then I got sick and I'm watching porn now. I'm like, that won't be my life ever again. But now maybe it will be. So my genres, like my choice of alcohol beverages, change with

age and location. Oh, I love you so much, Michael Lair. You're a goddamn... You are a goddamn saint. And you are... You are one of my favorite things to ever happen in the history of this show. Oh, thank you so much. I took a ton of notes.

Let's look at them. Oh, my god. Oh my god. That looks like Jeremiah's journal. Oh no. That's his autograph. Oh shit. We found the Zodiac killer and it's me. Michael Lair,

we love you so... Yep, you have something else? I mean, you need to cut me off because you know I won't stop. No. If you have anything you want to say, we need like a safe word. My website is

the bomb right now. Yeah. MichaelLaraComedy.com. Everything. I'm updating it all the time with good videos and good merch. MichaelLaraComedy.com. Every type of merch is there. And you edit all those videos yourself, correct?

Yeah, I'm on one man band. Yeah, I really It really shows I mean when you guys if you kill Tony fans get a chance to for example watch that UFC video that he made take note of the Comedic timing and beats of the editing. It is incredible. I mean, this video genuinely made me laugh out loud for five minutes. It is very rare that that happens. I hate so much.

Hey, Tony, pardon me. Let me give a shout out to the guy who is a friend who did the voiceover. Yeah. It's Gregory Holliman, Gregory Holliman. And he played principal black man on strangers with candy. Oh, yeah. He's a Chicago legend and a wonderful man and a good guy. And he's like, yeah, I'll help you with this voiceover, brother.

And he does it for has one of those voices that is almost exactly like the actual guy that does the voiceovers for the UFC on ESPN. And it's just an incredible production. Everything you do is amazing. We love you. There goes Michael Lair, everybody. The legend, Michael Lair. He's SteveMartian69 on Twitter. He's MichaelLairComedy on Twitter. He's Michael layer comedy on Instagram.

He's Michael layer comedy.com for his website. Fun fact about the UFC while we're talking about it. Did you happen to watch this massive pay-per-view that just happened? I watched a couple parts of it. I didn't watch the whole thing. Did you watch the main event? Yeah. Did you see the part where Rogan almost called Tony Ferguson Tony Hinchcliffe?

Oh, yeah. I saw that. Yeah. Yeah. Lots of fun. Almost got a shout out. I basically did. Yeah.

Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Ferguson. That's funny. Yeah. So this is the moment that a lot of people have been waiting an entire week for. We have been sent in a minute from the manolo who we talked to last week and i guaranteed him a spot on the show this week because he said that he was able to get hookers in tijuana and i said if you can get a hooker to do a minute on the show

next week that i guarantee you a spot. So here we go. For the first time in Kill Tony history, it is a Mexican hooker. At least we hope so. Fingers crossed. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the minute sent in by the Manolo. We've been waiting for this all my life. Oh, so this is him hunting for the Tijuana prostitute.

Here it is. I want to give you some money for an interview. Like to interview, not to have sex. To interview. No, to interview, to talk and recording. Yeah. But you don't speak no English? No.

Okay. Me quieres grabar, pero menos la cara. Well, maybe you could use one of these, right? Huh? Maybe you could use one of these. Right? Maybe you could use one of these. Right? How much would you charge me? A hundred bucks? Just like, hey, how's it going?

No? No video call? It's just a video call. Just talking. Look at her. They don't know Wi-Fi. You don't have Wi-Fi? No Wi-Fi here. Okay.

Alright, here's the Manolo. Get the sensor ready. Oh, please tell me that his internet's going to improve here. This is history. History. Here we go. Here we are. Here's the Manolo.

Hello, the Manolo. How are you? How's it going there? You're still in Tijuana, correct? Oh, gosh. Oh, you gotta be kidding me you know what let's wait a second i'm not giving up on this i believe that his internet will improve while that gets better all right there we go there we go okay hello manolo it was working a second all right it's okay working a second. Alright, it's okay. It's okay. Alright.

It's okay. No more music, guys. Whatever we do, let's not do that. Hello, Manolo. Now your sound's not on. Hey, how's it going, buddy? I'm here on location. I'm on location with two Mexican prostitutes

Okay, wait, okay And she's the only prostitute in Mexico that speaks Spanish use another one she's texting her mom She'll be late Oh Oh, turn the screen sideways, Manolo. Wait. Is your lock on? Turn your lock on. Yeah, it's off now. There we go.

Yay! Now, that girl doesn't seem very Mexican at all. Is that a girl born in Texas that made it down to Tijuana? What's going on there? No, I'm 100% Mexican. Even if I don't look like that, I am. You don't sound like it either. Wow.

Yes. 100%. You didn't even saw anything. Yes. You got it. That's what we were hoping for. What better episode to be sponsored by Bluetooth? Use the promo code

KILLTONY. I wrote her a minute, too. Can she say it? I absolutely love it. Definitely. If she can read, let's do it. Since she's the only one that speaks English, she doesn't. Back here. That is incredible.

I love it. Here we go. A minute from our friend Carol Baskin. What? Okay. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? Because he told that bitch to get off my corner.

Now you're laughing, huh. Now you're laughing. Now you're laughing. What else? Good job. Knock, knock. Who's there? Chlamydia. Hold on. Chlamydia who?

Wait. I haven't had that shit, so let's ask her. Chlamydia who? Hey! Okay, one last one. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? How many? Trick question. They ain't changing shit

coming in powerful this that was great dude you're a fucking... That's hilarious. You're good at writing. Check out the bikini, though. I love it. Bikinis are allowed on this show? Wow. Absolutely.

That's great. Oh, my goodness gracious. Que la, que la, que la. Is this an in-call or is this your place? Shit. No, this is a tally. I ain't bringing no Mexican hookers to my... I mean, what?

Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious that other one in the back might be the laziest hooker i've ever seen in my life look at that one all tits no personality huh and and she's she sounds like coronavirus she has no idea what i'm saying right now right he's like look at these beautiful women you guys like me right you guys like me hola como esta hola senorita la muchacha hola chichi gordo yeah see that other one gets it. That other one's got spots at the ice house coming up. Yeah, if you guys ever want to go to the ice house. Yo, Tony, they got mad because we were going to have sex, and I'm always used to wearing my socks,

and they got mad because I'm always used to wearing my socks when I have sex. My socks sit in my ski mask and that was a joke. Why when I say them they don't fuck? It's alright. It was okay. It was a little bit choppy there. That's what went wrong. This is the only

prostitute I've seen that gets her next job while on her current job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's actually doing the, what is it? One of those, what do you call those? Like, yeah, exactly. She's texting a dude right now. Jesus Christ.

And this is what I found out. That the girls in the Kawila video I sent. Yeah. They charge you like 20 bucks. But once you go in with them, they'll just buy a buddy. If they want a doggy style, it's okay.

And another 20, and it comes even more expensive than... Oh, it's like the Spirit Airlines of hookers. They charge low, and then they charge you for baggage and issues and everything. Exactly. I love that.

That one there has a flat rate and a flat chest. That's incredible. You got to take her to a San Diego comedy store next time we're there. Yeah, for sure. I will. Absolutely. That one's got a spot. She can't cross right now because of the, what is it called?

Whatever the precautions. The tourist the whatever they the precaution I cannot cross to the 19 or something like that. I'm not sure. How do you speak such perfect English? Cuz I'm fucking smart ass. That's why No, cuz I learned when I was young Little girl I used to live in San Diego even if I'm Mexican because one of my parents did live there. So I just had time

to be around people who actually did spoke a lot of English and well, I had to learn eventually. And I live in border so I have to be bilingual if I want to just be better

and better. And she wants to get those dollars, those dollars. Here's some truth of TJ people the really really poor people They only have like three channels on their TV when they grow up This is before internet right if you're from the 80s or 90s you only watch PK PBS fucking CBS So it's Sesame Street. That's all you fucking see that's why we know how to speak Spanish in English. You know sesame Sesame Street

Sesame Street is the only street these girls don't walk Yeah, exactly You know nowadays that we have such a I don't know everything that we have evolved and Obviously technology well we don't even have to walk no more right she's getting this big bird today though yeah fuck yeah Manolo what's your plan for the rest of the night with these ladies shit watch them some fucking I'm tired yes this. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You going to go jump on ChatterBait? You know what?

Great idea. It's been a while. Remember Gianni Versace? Yeah, you're there. Dollar works, whatever. Yeah, that's the interesting thing, I guess, with your job is you can pay for girls like that probably to come over and end up making more money by the end of the night if you go online yourself well i just pay them their fee you know i ain't explaining hey you make a profit oh i like her she seems cool yeah she seems like a lot of fun she don't want to work no more she was telling me she told me a funny story

yeah but not just as a sport fuck no i'm a professional woman oh yeah she seems like the kind of girl that would marry you take a life insurance policy out on you and you're dead two days later i've seen her on j Can Swim on YouTube. You have to read better. She's on the Mexican version, Jim Can Swim. Juan, Juan Can, Juan Can, Juan Can Swim. Oh, my God. A cousin of mine, primo mio. Juan, my primo.

Manolo, I got to tell you. She told me a funny story, though. Juan. Manolo. Manolo, I gotta tell you. Yep, go ahead. When we were talking on the way over here, she told me that one time a neighbor of hers saw her in the corner. So she panicked, right? And she ran to him. She wanted to run away from him.

So she ran to him and she told him, please don't tell my mom. She'll kill me. And she finds out I'm working her corner. Oh, there you go. Manolo, I got to tell you, man, a lot of people had high expectations for this. And you knocked it out of the fucking park. I cannot believe how great this was. This is the most legendary of all of your performances.

And let me tell you something. Any time you want to do this, you just hit me up and you have the green light, man. This is an amazing segment called Meeting with Manolo for the first time ever. Nice to meet you, ladies.

Nice to meet you, ladies. Nice to meet you as well. Keep the back door open. You guys want over here on my location. You guys know I got my microphone. I love it. I love it. I love it. And you made up for

all the Mexican that we missed out on without having Joel here tonight. Next week, I'll interview a cartel leader. Hey, I love it.

Let's fucking do it. Let's do it. Meeting with Manolo and perhaps a new permanent segment on Kill Tony. Who knows? Fuck yes.

This is unbelievable. It's no dog porn. Perhaps you can get a chihuahua on next week's episode. Me and Carol Taco Bell. Okay. I want me a Taco Bell. There we go. We have another

new segment that we added last week to the show called Bad Art from Fans. God, look at those fucking Mexican melons. Oh, my God. She doesn't need to say anything. She doesn't have to speak English. She just comes around with those things. Okay, let's keep it going.

This is a new segment called Bad Art of Kill Tony. This week was sent in by Batman Xenomorph on social media. This is bad art that was sent in by one of the fans. Let's see what we got here. Oh, it's a red band on a postcard. Like Bert Kreischer. It does look like Bert Kreischer. Come for the beaches, stay for the beefcakes.

Greetings from California, Red Band postcard. That is real art right there. From Batman Xenomorph. How'd they get that picture? Honestly, I think that is Burt Kreischer. I think that really is. So thank you for the bad art, but let's check out some good art, everybody.

By the way, art is drawing next time. Yeah, I think anybody knows how to use fucking Photoshop. Yeah, that's true. Bad drawings. Perhaps we should change the segment to instead of bad art, bad drawings, bad draw. That's what we call it. Oh, yeah. Because we're bad draws right now as well without a live audience.

Anyway, so let's check in with our great artist. Draw. That's what we could call it. Because we're bad draws right now as well without a live audience. Anyway, so let's check in with our great artist. We go to good art now with the great Ryan J. Ebelt. Oh my goodness. Look at this. Incredible. Ryan J., how you doing over there? You're messing with us this time right all right yeah i'm fucking with you oh my god hey i love it i like that that's nice that drawing

is absolutely fucking incredible i mean michael lair as an angel. That skull looks really just like me. It really does. I know a lot about my face, and that is what my skull looks like. You got the amazing Jetski Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins. You even have Charlie from Vito's Pizza in there. Charlie, you made it to the drawing. You got Gino over there. Am I correct?

That's us. Yep. That is Gino. Let's go up a little bit here. Heck yeah. And that is David Lucas, William Montgomery, Red Band. Incredible. That is mind-boggling.

You do kind of look like the guy from coco as the skeleton yeah you ever see that i do ryan j what do you think about tonight's episode what are some highlights from you oh well i mean probably the greatest highlight is that today would pretty much be my five-year anniversary of drawing. Wow. Look at that. Five years. Hey, weren't you supposed to come in? I thought you were supposed to come into the studio.

Wasn't that last week? You can come anytime you want now, Ryan. We have opened up the floodgates for cast members. Elon Musk says it was okay to do. Yeah. Anthony Fauci said we don't have to wear a mask anymore, so we can stop wearing masks like we have for months.

Said that today. Maybe I'll try next week. Heck yeah. Absolutely. There he is. Ryan J. E. Belt. Everything's available. RyanJEBelt.com. Every print of the show. Every road poster. Ryan J. E. Belt. Everything's available. Ryan J. E. Belt.com. Every print of the show, every road poster, every,

everything. Jeremiah Watkins is here. Take it over, Jeremiah. He has Jeremiah wonders. He's on Venmo at Jeremiah dash Watkins. He really wants to, he needs you to know that.

Jeremiah wonders is his podcast. Do you plug your Venmo on your podcast? Yes, at Jeremiah-Watkins. At Jeremiah's stand-up on social media. Christina Hutchinson is my guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week. Thank you for having me. We're always happy to have you, Jeremiah. There you go.

They can't read it when you do that stuff. Venmo at Jeremiah-Watkins. We got it. Now we're going to talk about at Jeremiah-Wadkins. We got it. Now we're going to talk about your bandmate for a second. You got it. You're going to keep doing that during her time too? I get 5%. I love it.

I highly doubt that, but I love it. Jesse Johnson, ladies and gentlemen, was here this entire episode. That's COVID-19. Filthy episode. I loved it episode i loved it it was this was a dirty wild episode definitely a wild change of pace from uh from previous episodes um and yeah just having fun who knows it might even get crazier next week um hell yeah jetski johnson on all social media a lot of funny stuff going on over there as always and yeah that was tonight's episode we have road dates coming up it's all being booked miami boston houston dallas fort worth salt lake city austin bakersfield sacramento

and san francisco kill tony mania. Tickets going on sale for that soon. Shout out to Michael Lair, David Lucas, William Montgomery, the Manolo, Dustin, Tristan, Matt, Eva, Andrew, and Allo Mean. Fun episode tonight. Really well structured. Good all the way around. The email to submit for next week's Kill Tony

is killtonyquarantine at gmail.com. Very important that if you've submitted before and not gotten selected to resubmit. That's the only way to do it. My advice, to be honest with you, because when do you look at these, Gage? On Monday, right? Monday early afternoon?

Oh, okay. My advice would be send it and send it. Why not send it a couple times maybe? Not many, many times, but maybe try twice. Once early in the week, once on Monday. If you're lucky enough to get selected by the producers here, they will hit you up on Monday afternoon. Right.

And don't be scared to spice it up a little like that mannequin guy. Yeah. That makes it a lot more fun to watch. Yes. We are in a time where just running jokes, sadly, will, you know, if your lighting's bad and your sound sucks, you don't have a chance. So be creative, have fun with it, and we will see you next week on another episode of Kill Tony.

Check me out on Virtual Reality, Virtual Red Band. It's on my YouTube. And also check out Brothers in Cursive and Dead Air with Brian Holtzman.

You can find it all at DeathSquad.tv. And if you want a candle, check out the new Hinch Me I'm Dreaming candle at DamnGoodCo.com. It's the Kill Tony candle. Only $6.

Two ounce travel tent. You take a picture of it, tag the Kill Tony candle. Only $6. Two ounce travel tin. You take a picture of it, tag the Kill Tony show on your Instagram story, and the Kill Tony Instagram will repost it. You gotta buy those candles, guys. Yeah. Put a big piece of poop on one and send it to us. Yes, put a piece of poop on one and send it to us.

That is what to do with someone that is sponsoring. After you're done using it. Put poop on it to us. That is what to do with someone that is sponsoring the show. After you're done using it. Put poop on it, Brian. You are a money-making machine. Thanks, guys. This is how it works. This is Showbiz 101 with Brian Redband. Put a piece of poop

on it. We'll see you next week. We'll meet more people with Manolo and have more fun things happen. Maybe Joel will even be back from quarantine. Good night, everybody.