KILL TONY - KILL TONY #455 – QUARANTINED #10

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/18/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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invest, Questrade's award-winning support team is here to help you learn how to become a better investor. From placing your first trade to setting up customized stock alerts, we're always by your side. Just a few of the reasons why we are Canada's number one rated online broker by MoneySense. Get started today at Questrade.com. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th.

Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe, and he has tour dates, and he has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the

house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters, and he has a huge sale going on right now, so go to RyanJEbelt.com, and last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from BetterBox Studios for another episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hey, what's up? Another fun episode of Kill Tony. We are here. Exciting stuff. And how are you doing, Brian? Great. Brian Redman. Looks like we both grilled out this weekend. Yes, we did. You have a cool grill, man. That's awesome.

I'm a smoker for the first time in my life got my brand new trader traeger grill traeger t-r-a-e-g-e-r and it is unbelievable started off with a steak on saturday and smoked some joe rogan elk sausages yesterday isn't that delicious unbelievable the difference in flavor is incredible i now see what you know i've made friends with some of joe's friends from touring with them and his hunting buddies will come on the come out to show sometimes and they're really cool we'll go to dinner afterwards we'll have drinks smoke blah blah blah and i've always wondered what their obsession with the traeger grill is and f bomb if if if that just isn't a whole different type of flavor when you cook it yourself

and and i smelled like the smoke like i was like fucking you know in the shower last night and i could like smell the smoke on me and i fucking loved it and i smelled it the night before too and i'm like oh this is like cool it's like the type of smell that I like. Which reminds me, there's a brand new Hinch Me I'm Dreaming candles. That's right. Available at damngoodco.com. You can get the official candle of Kill Tony with a little eucalyptus spa-like adventure for your nose. The great Ryan J. Ebeld is back in studio, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time since, believe the ice house yeah this is your first time drawing a kill tony in a non-comedy club

or theater or arena or football stadium this is your first in studio you got a camera on ryan j by any chance oh beautiful there he is the real deal r J. Look at his hair up. He's got his hair up. You look good, dude. Where'd you get the new drawing board from? The new drawing board came from BBuildsLV. That's B as in boy. BuildsLV. And they

made me this nice custom drawing board. It's fantastic. That is awesome. He has started drawing tonight's episode. Of course, as always, we're going to check in with him at the end of tonight's episode. That's Charlie next to him. Can that thing get Charlie and Gino? Let's get everybody in this motherfucker. We got Charlie from The Great Vito's Pizza in studio.

He's been in studio with us the whole quarantine, keeping us fed at the Comedy Store, at the Ice House, and at all the Better Box shows. And a better box isn't a better box without the great gino back there from from speedweed and uh some amazing products over at speedweed.com a true top-notch comedy connoisseur gino is supports a lot of the best shows a lot of the best podcasts a lot of them are done here at better box he's also sponsored a lot of great live shows out of the comedy store he's got his uh sticky fingers and everything that's uh cool and hip and comedy yeah because there's weed all over that's what i meant by that sweet sweet sticky icky it's not like he's a thief or a wide receiver in the nfl from all the weed shows coming up supposedly pretty excited about this is uh

people have started to dabble in the live comedy space over this weekend in places like salt lake city and texas and we're going to both of those places coming up it starts off in miami july 31st august 1st i do stand up in miami but there's a Kill Tony supposedly on September 31st. Those are the rescheduled Miami shows from when this whole quarantine started. Another set of rescheduled shows is two Kill Tonys in Boston, August 13th, and four Tony Hinchcliffe headline stand-up shows on the 14th and 15th. Also, we're going back to the Secret Group on August 20th for four Kill Tonys, August 20th and 21st two nights two kill tony's each night and the week after that we go back to texas we go to beautiful dallas texas

for a kill tony or two there and then stand-up shows in fort worth i love that club one of my just moved to texas we should just move i know a lot of people have been saying that. I love Texas. I've always said that it's one of the few states I would move to. Buy a fucking shotgun, some hillbilly shit, start chasing down fucking joggers in the neighborhood. Salt Lake City, September 11th, 9-11, SLC, Utah, Wise Guys. That's exciting. Moon Tower, September 17thth Toronto just got added this week the Queen Elizabeth theater oh nice and JFL uh Toronto that's 929 oh great uh October 13th is Tembler Brewing Company in Bakersfield as we head north the week of Kill Tony Mania so that

is officially a road to kill tony mania show the 13th in baker's field the 14th in sacramento the 15th in sacramento the 16th two shows in san francisco the 17th two shows in san francisco and the 18th one show in san francisco monday to monday that's 10 kill tony's in one week in the at the end of october and uh october 30th and 31st it looks like we're going to be in tacoma washington uh and dc in november washington dc the capital of the greatest country on the planet undisputed undefeated all time in wars unless you count vietnam the united states of amer, the greatest country on the planet. Four months ago had its best economy of all time.

And nobody wanted to talk about it, except for me, sometimes sporadically on the show. Now look at us. Bunch of peasants. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President. And, you know, that reminds me. People are home. They're losing their minds. They're all quarantined up. They're letting their you know, that reminds me. People are home. They're losing their minds.

They're all quarantined up. They're letting their pubes get out of control. Right? Pubes are crazy right now. And nobody's talking about it. Pubes are out of control. Support for Kill Tony is brought to you by Manscaped, who is the best in men's below-the-belt grooming.

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the belt. Do you go straight smooth or do you put a little mustache in there? I treat it a lot like I treat my own facial hair. I trim the sides down and see how long I can get it in the middle. No. You've heard of a happy trail? I have the Oregon trail.

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with the code KILLTONY at Manscaped.com Your balls will thank you. We've all had a nick on our balls. I've had a nick, a Jimmy, a Bobby. I've blamed it on herpes when I nicked myself once. Whoa. Funny thing is that's probably true.

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It's brought to you by sheath underwear. They use moisture wicking technology to create underwear that keeps everything breathable and incredibly comfortable for you downstairs. Sheath's smart underwear come in a number of different styles, including a brief with a dual pouch that make your balls feel like they're floating on clouds while you work out or just walking around somewhere hot. It's like an inverted kangaroo pouch for your Joey that keeps your junk from sticking to your legs. Yeah, sheath underwear is created by a soldier while serving in Iraq, where you can imagine balls tend to get very hot. He developed the prototype in Iraq and raised money on

Kickstarter to launch sheath. And now they're right here supporting our show. Please support our sponsors because our sponsors keep this show going. Support sheath and they'll support you where it counts, downstairs. Bottom line, sheath creates an amazing underwear and if you don't love them they have a hundred percent money back guaranteed for your off your first pair and i think you're going to love them because we got some and i've been using them i didn't at first i didn't

understand i'm wearing them right now yeah let me grab mine look Look at that. Oh, Jesus. Giving yourself a front wedgie. Brian, that's good. Look, they don't break. It's proof that you can't break your sheep underwear. But honestly, at first I didn't understand it. But once you put your babies in that little second pocket, oh, my God. You don't understand how sweaty those things get and how swampy they get. Now they're dry as a whistle.

Yep. Okay. Absolutely. how sweaty those things get and how swampy they get now they're they're they're dry as a whistle yep okay absolutely and i'll be honest with you when i first got them i didn't read the instructions because they come with a little instruction thing and i'm like who the fuck needs instructions for underwear so i didn't even know that there was anything special about them i wore them just normal for the first few days and uh then someone told me, dude, those are sheath underwear. They have a separator. And I'm like, all right. But I thought they were just great underwear. So even if you don't like, for some reason, keeping your balls separated, and then you can also have your shaft separated.

It's a three-pronged adventure here. And what better time than the summertime? Keep your balls unstuck from your legs. This is absolutely true. If you have a super tiny ball sack, I guess you don't really have to worry. But if you have balls, then you should totally buy a pair of these underwear and then separate them. Kiss your balls goodbye with sheath underwear. They have an amazing line of underwear for women, too.

So get your new favorite pair of underwear by going to sheathunderwear.com. Use the code TONY for 20% off your order. They ship anywhere in the world. Once more, that's sheathunderwear.com. Use the code TONY for 20% off. Yeah, for women. If you have an extended labia, put your little lips in there. Yeah, I guess so.

You could perhaps put a strap-on dild put your little lips in there. Yeah, I guess so. You could perhaps put a strap-on dildo in a whole other area. Oh, my. So that it's not stuck to your leg. Lesbians are wild. I love our sponsors, by the way. These are actually products that are great. We love our sponsors.

Absolutely. We're happy with our sponsors. Most shows, especially comedy shows, podcasts, they don't get to frickin' pick their sponsors. They don't always love that stuff. But my Manscaped, this is for the 3.0. I have the 2.0. It's still pumping just great. And the sheath underwear, just a game changer for me.

They're absolutely my favorites. I don't think I can go back to normal underwear. I need my balls separated now. And you know what? And again, I'm not kidding. And I'm not saying this just because they're a sponsor. But, you know, once these sheaths underwear got into my rotation a couple weeks ago, you know, they went through obviously one laundering already.

And then so like now sometimes there'll be regular underwear there on like the stack and i'm like nope i'm going to the sheath i'm gonna say i can't i don't even know what i don't want to know those are my new regular underwear or my new backup underwear gotta keep them separated kiss your balls goodbye it's the same water you use to brush your teeth i don't know why i love that line so much. Kiss your balls goodbye. Everybody, why is that so funny? All right. So there's a band on the show.

We all know this. You know them. You love them. They are two of my favorite heroes in all of comedy. They're absolutely great. We have so much fun every single week. The great Joel Jimenez is still out of service this week, unfortunately. comedy um they're absolutely great we have so much fun every single week uh the great joel jimenez is still out of service this week unfortunately i believe he might be back next

week but uh tonight two of the best in the world the band leader and the queen bee of the kill tony band they're going to be in character we don't know what they're going to be took them about eight minutes to get ready backstage tonight and uh so let's all find out what they are this week. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band, Jeremiah Watkins and Jet Ski Jesse Johnson. Whoa! Hey! I love it!

Yes! Without a doubt. One of the great presidents of all time, the great Donald J. Trump, Mr. President. And I am so excited as a fellow Italian to be here with the great Dr. Anthony Fauci is joining us. Wow. How are you, Dr. Fauci? Good, Tony. Tony.

Hey, that's us. And the president of the United States of America, Donald Trump. How are you, my friend? Doing quite fantastic, Tony. Really good to be here. I've been doing this thing called hydroxychloroquine lately. It's really good. A lot of people are knocking it. A lot of frontline workers are actually taking it. A lot of people out there. I don't see the harm in it, really. I think you should try it sometime. I agree. This might be that's one of the more that is definitely the most wild thing out of all the things. If you're wondering, I thought to myself today, wow, I'm able to defend almost everything Donald Trump's ever said in a great way.

Like, oh, they just took this out of context they took that out of context everybody you know they take this little sliver but to be honest with you mr president today was the one time in which i'm literally like what the fuck is he thinking exactly like this one i mean totally even a week ago they went absolutely berserk when you said that they should come up with something that cleans the insides everything you were saying yes like bleach good stuff good quality american products yes you were suggesting that maybe they look at that in front of the cameras you were making it look like you were helping with the idea that i understood completely but saying that you're taking an anti-malaria anti-lupus drug that they only give to people that have already been diagnosed with COVID for the last week and a half.

Listen, Tony, it's a drug that's been around for over 40 years. We can trust it. Okay, it's good stuff. But it's only given to people that are seriously sick. Listen, the way I look at these drugs is like, why not take them if you have them at your disposal? Are there other drugs that you're on? Xanax, Clorox. Sometimes I take Benadryl just in case I'm going to South Africa.

Dr. Fauci, you are an actual doctor. You have studied drugs for almost half a century. What do you think about the president taking hydroxychloroquine without being diagnosed? I'm on hydroxycut, hydroxychloroquine, all of them. All of the hydroxies. Big fan. Big proponent. Listen, I try.

I tell him. I tell him all the time. I say, you know, you don't want to take the hydroxy. You know, and then I told him right before the show, he pushed me in the mud. Oh, he pushed you in the mud, Dr. Farley. That's why my coat's so wrinkly. That's what happens when you get pushed in mud. It makes your white jacket

wrinkle up. White mud is the only kind of good mud out there. Can I just say that? Is it too much for me to say? I'm sorry. I'm speaking my mind. We're going to have fun tonight. I know somebody that actually has lupus and they have to take that medicine, you know, to like live and shit. You know, I'm getting it now.

Who do you know that has lupus? This girl I went to high school with. Oh, shit. Well, let's just jump right into it. Joining us right now, live via the feed, the one and only Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Joel, how are you? Oh, shit. What's up, you fucking idiots?

Whoa. See, he's one of the good ones, can I just say? Oh, my goodness, dude. You're drinking bleach again, Joel? That's right. How's it going? Yeah, you know, you got to keep yourself, you got to keep this how's it going yeah you know you got to keep yourself uh you got to keep this coronavirus away from you you know so i'm drinking doing it all doing

the hydroxy shit all of that uh when jesse said she fell in mud i thought she meant she tripped and fell into brian's underwear speaking of underwear nice shirt you have on yeah that is the official logo of sheath who actually is sponsoring tonight's episode. That's unbelievable that you have that T-shirt on. I mean, it's really incredible. As Dr. Fauci here, I've never seen a virus as strong as what's in Red Band's underpants. You should taste it. Oh, Jesus, Brian.

I'm 80 years old, almost. I want to make it to 80. Joel, have you tried your sheath underwear? Have you kissed your balls goodbye? Actually, yeah, it's amazing. I love it. You know, I heard the guy developed it while at battle in Iraq. And I've been in a few battles myself, if you know anything about me.

And I feel like these underwear are really going to take the drum battles to the next level. Yeah, definitely. I like that. so what else is going on you weren't you weren't here this week you weren't here last week explain yourself to the fans of the show joel oh you know i'm just trying to keep myself quarantined for two weeks wanted to see my parents um i did take a covid test just to make sure I was good. Turns out I'm negative. Yeah. So, you know, I dodged that.

Indeed. Um, hell yeah. So how's your girlfriend? Brian hates this. Look at all these fucking. All right. How's your girlfriend, Joel? What the fuck?

Oh, she's doing good. You know, we're just chilling. I've been fucking just hanging out. Drinking a lot of coffee. Nitro. Caveman coffee. That's great. Shout out to the sponsors. What ethnicity is your girlfriend again? She's Mexican too?

She's also Mexican. Uh oh. They're multiplying. This is a big problem. I agree, President Trump. Do you guys have protected sex or unprotected sex protected i'm not trying to be another statistic that's very good thank you sweet jesus for answering my prayers did i tony did i hear you say that we have a show on 9 11 yes wow as if the flights weren't cheap enough from COVID. We had to book a COVID flight on 9-11.

That's true. I don't have any sort of idea of the budget for this. It's $11 per flight. I'm bringing everybody. I'm bringing Gage. I'm bringing Anthony. It's going to be great. Wow.

By the way, Gage, Tiarina, and Anthony are on social media at GageTiarina and at underscore strange taste underscore without the first underscore only the last underscore strange taste underscore I saw Charlie from Vito's shirt I didn't know he worked at Vito's and also Trader Joe's

whoa alright well there's a lot less dog porn this week than I was hoping for well we're just getting started here don't count uh don't count those dog porns out just yet also i want to i want to i would love to get a man a manscape because i mean you know i'm going to get you know pretty risque and uh this shit tight you know it's like um i'm just you know i would a manscape would just really help me to stay clean and clean and proper these next sort of like drum battles

that i have you know manscape 3.0 i think that is the full-size sheath bodysuit for those of you wondering um you can kiss your friends goodbye with the new sheath bodysuit i didn't think that this could be more terrifying without an audience but it turns out it's way scarier without a live audience and joel is just literally a cam girl right now i think he probably uses that dildo at home you know he does we are your only fans joel so well that's okay so you gotta start somewhere you know that's it i love it so uh what are you gonna do if your uh girlfriend or roommate walks in right now just play it off like nothing you think that'd be the first time that they caught me wearing this? I actually clothed up for you guys.

I've been walking around in this for the last two weeks. Wow. With the suspenders on, you look like a foreign exchange oompa loompa. It's true. Yeah. No, it is true. He looks like if Luis J. Gomez was paralyzed from the shoulders down. Luis Gay Gomez? Luis Gay Gomez, yes. like if uh lewis j gomez was paralyzed from the shoulders lewis gay gomez lewis gay jomez into effect for a few more months dr falchi this is great joel you're we need you back in studio

will you come back on monday for sure yeah that's why I wanted to call in, let all the fans know I'll be back next Monday. I miss you guys so much. It's fucking, it's brutal, man. It's really strange times right now, man. It's fucking weird. I can't wait to get back to you guys. There you go. Joel Berg with the news from four months ago.

Things are weird. All right. Strange right now. I like how his furniture looks like it's at an open house for an apartment complex or something. He has like the fake fern on the side and the wicker chair. Joel is between two ferns right now. I got your two ferns right here, dude. Between two Fernandez's.

Oh, wow. He's still got it, ladies and gentlemen. Still got it. We love you, Joel. There goes Joel there goes Joel Berg Joel Jimenez he's at Mostly Sorry of course he'll be back next week on the drums we love you Joel all right I love you guys peace have a good show I feel like he's gonna hate what he did on tonight's show but it was great we're just getting it started I feel like he's gonna

judge himself all night I hope he overthinks yeah you guys don't know Joel as well as we do, but that's what he tends to do. He tends to overthink. I love that little Pink Floyd, Mr. President. You know all the great ones. Listen, I know I'm your favorite president. I know I'm your favorite music, Tony. Tonight is all about you, my friend. Wow, what a special episode for it to be tailored at all towards things that I like.

That is so cool, Mr. President. Thank you. And I just want to let you know that I have a lot of cool artwork. I actually have the L.A. Times clip of you winning the presidency hanging up from my friend Pete. Well, there's going to be four more years of articles, so get ready. Let's keep it moving here. We have our first stranger of the night submission we're gonna watch a minute of his supposed comedy these people send in sometimes

it's it hilarious sometimes it's just uh depressing we sort of analyze what they wrote and find out more about their lives your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Josh Jones. Here he is. Here's Josh. Hey, Texas. Little, little Jones. Here's Josh Jones. I work as a tattoo artist. It's a pretty cool gig most of the times, but sometimes the shit does get weird. For instance, I had to tattoo a guy's testicle once. Yeah, that was nuts.

It was not one but two grown men that came into the shop, and they brought three friends with them to watch. All dudes. If it doesn't sound weird yet, just know that the second I got started on it, my Spotify popped on the soundtrack to rent. I was baffled. You know how hard it is to be professional when you have to look a man in the face and tell him he has to bat-wing his sack for the shit to go down? I was naive when I got into tattooing, I guess. I always knew it was possible

that somebody would ask me to tattoo them in that spot. I just never thought it'd happen to me. I also never thought I'd look another grown man in the face and say, dude, I'm so glad you shaved your balls today. All in all, you're just another brick in the wall. Incredible, Josh Jones. I absolutely love it, especially since I think both of our sponsors apply to this set. We had Blue Chew on last week.

We ended up having Hookers from Tijuana on the show. Everything fell perfectly into Blue Chew. We had some doggy porn and things like that that we watched. Not the audience, but we did. And then our first set tonight, and Gage gauge the producer that picks these sets doesn't even ever know who the sponsor is beforehand but here you are talking about tattooing balls which hopefully were manscaped with the manscaper 3.0 3.0 and he they that person got that using the promo code kill tony and also something i thought of while picturing you tattooing testicles is that that would be a great time to use sheath underwear.

You could keep the shaft in another department so you don't have to hold it the whole time and just let the balls hang out of chamber number two in the old auger or whatever we would call it. And so here you are. Hi, Josh. How are you? I'm doing great, man. How are you guys? Fucking great hi josh how are you i'm doing great man how are you guys fucking great dude where are you at i'm in olympia washington oh shit hell yeah dude how far is that from euphrata i don't know where the fuck that is man yeah That's in the middle of, sort of middle of nowhere in Washington. We have a friend named Davey Wester from there.

Anyway. I just moved up here like five months ago. Sorry. From where? Portland? No, from Arizona. Oh, okay. All right.

Hell yeah. What made you move up there? I mean, have you been to Arizona? Yeah. I like deserts and warm weather. I mean, I guess, honestly, I just lived up there way too long. Right. Or down there.

Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's cool. So you just picked Olympia out of nowhere. It's capital. Fig you just picked Olympia out of nowhere. It's capital. Figured, fuck it. God, it is, isn't it?

Yeah. It's one of those weird capitals. Why is that the capital? This guy is smart. Would you like a position in my office? Uh-oh. You could join the president's cabinet. Maybe.

Josh, how long have you been doing tattoos for i've been doing that for about six years professionally wow what was the tattoo that the guy got on his balls it was a tiny little black heart oh my god probably the size of a dime wow that, that sounds horrible. Was that like a bet or something like that? No, I actually did two of those tattoos the same day, and it was like a friends group kind of tattoo. And there was three dudes that they brought to watch this whole thing go down, and they were dudes, and they already had the little black heart tattooed on their sack. So it was, I don't know if it was a frat party or what, but it was odd.

I mean, I did work close to ASU. Now, you said that the other two people had hearts already on their balls. Did they whip out their balls to tell you that, or did they just tell you and you took their word for it? I took their word for it. Dr. Fauci, you seem to have some medical concerns here of some kind. Actually, I think it sounds pretty cool. Wow.

I was wondering if we could go with friends. Dr. Fauci is inviting you, Mr. President, to get tattoos together on your balls. Like a bonding thing. Listen, maybe if it's a purple heart, that way I can claim to have a purple heart. I got purple ink. Let's do this. I'm trying to. Mr. President, I love it.

So, Josh, what have you been doing during this quarantine? You're drinking a Mountain Dew Baja Blast over there? No, no, no. Red Hook IPA. No, I know. I was just kidding. There's something super funny about Baja Blast to me this week. I keep making Baja Blast references.

I've been waiting all week to get back here on Monday so that I could use Baja Blast. And you were the first comedian up. Who would have guessed? Baja Blast is sheep porn. To answer your question, though, I've been drinking and smoking because I'm a tattoo artist. They shut us down up here in Washington. I haven't worked in like six weeks. Wow.

Is anybody trying to get black market tattoos at all? Is it like haircuts yeah they're trying but i mean get this in arizona you don't have to pay for a license to tattoo up here you do so i move have to pay for a license to do my job for the first time ever and then i can't do it and if i do it underground they'll fucking take it wow have you had any social life at all what have you been doing to stay busy without uh without working i've mainly been shit posting on facebook oh okay do you tattoo yourself ever like yeah can i see some of your tattoos that you've done

do you have any uh sure oh here we go here comes the black heart on the testicle it was me all along wow look tony hinchcliffe you got tony who is that it's james franco from 127 who oh yeah that does look like Chris Farley. I see it. Absolutely. Somebody once said it looked like Obama, so. Yeah. That's great. Sort of does. You got the black part down here.

Actually, I do have one that's easy to show that I did it on myself, I think. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That's David Lucas's haircut. That's the black market haircut. That's your pubes. I love it. I love it.

Josh, you have any other hobbies or things that you like to do other than posting on Facebook and giving tattoos? Anything else interesting about you? Yeah, I juggle. I spin poi, which is like the weird shit that you fire on strings kind of stuff. Oh, wow. It goes in circles and other, yeah. Can you do some quick juggling for us? Shit, I don't really have, yeah, sure, I guess. Sweet.

Fuck yeah, we love juggling. It works a lot better live in front of a live audience but who gives a shit it's been months since i've seen somebody juggle all right fuck it i i'll tell you what's not juggling my balls anymore because they're in sheath underwear a special compartment they used to fair enough i was thinking i need those sheath fucking underpants because i do be getting the swamp balls yeah and if you're not in the way there's a hole in the back you can poop right out the back it's a beautiful beautiful president trump uses them as a little backdoor exit strategy a one Rome. Exit with the Romans.

That's right. So let's see some juggling, Josh. I'm going to try and juggle my two vapes and my shoe because I don't have any sort of balls or anything. I love this idea. Oh, you kissed your balls goodbye. Okay, go ahead. Yep, pretty much. All right. that was great there goes josh jones i love it josh there he goes josh jones everybody

he's a josh jones comedy just uh nothing breaking the wall i love that he's talking about stuff that he can talk about he's a tattoo artist if i was a tattoo artist that sort of liked stand-up, I'd be doing that. I'd be stretching out all that material. I'd think of all the silly tattoos that I've had to give. Imagine a tattoo convention where you perform or something like that, and you get to do all those jokes. People will fucking love it. Have you ever thought about getting a tattoo?

Were you ever close to getting one? Lately, I've been thought about getting a tattoo were you ever close to getting one um lately i've been thinking about getting uh a face tattoo right underneath my eye perhaps something that just says faggot or something like that nice something that i've been thinking of real self-deprecation uh humor no damaged on your forehead no not a tattoo not not really maybe get a picture of me on your lower back called a drum stamp. Hey, I like that. I absolutely like that idea. I might do that. So, yeah, let's just keep. How about you?

You have tattoos, right? I just have one, but I wish I didn't have it. Yeah, I've seen it. I wish you didn't have it either. It's bad. Yeah. Ryan J., you have any tattoos? No.

You know Jeremiah doesn't he just has the eternal love of jesus wrapped around his body you know jesse has a little angel wings right yeah what do you have i can tell you have like one tattoo you got on like your 18th birthday or something it's like a butterfly on your butthole. I've been talking about getting the coronavirus tattooed right over my left nipple. I forgot it's Dr. Fauci. That's right. Okay, let's keep it moving along. This is only our second Stranger of the Night, and it is Alexis Chainsaw Massacre. Here we go.

I'm not being American, because at least I know I'm free. Here's Alexis Chainsaw Massacre. Hey guys. So, my husband and I are kind of on the outs during this whole self-quarantine business. I guess it all started when we went to the food bank a couple weeks ago, and I started hauling myself out for some food. He got really pissed off. He's like, that's not fucking necessary. The food's

free. But I knew I was going to have to do a little bit more to get that can of SpaghettiOs. But they kicked us out and we came home empty handed. Oh well. The other thing I'm doing to piss him off is using his frozen corn dogs

as dildos. Which I'm like, you know what dude? I'm helping to piss him off is using his frozen corn dogs as dildos which I'm like you know what dude I'm helping you cut the fucking middle man by not having to use an air fryer fucking welcome but you know what I don't need him fuck him you know why I got two big opportunities I got a full athletic scholarship at the University of Phoenix and when when Hollywood opens up, I'm going to be Kathy Bates' stunt double. Hell yeah. Alexis Chainsaw Massacre. Now, I

feel like I remember you. You've been on this show before, correct? I have, yeah, back in December in Cleveland. Okay. Where do you live i i live in a good old cracker in ohio now but i made the way up to cleveland and i believe i showed you guys my ass ah yes yes something like that how did that happen how did how did you show us your ass again remind us you know what that was again? Remind us. You know what? That was all a blur to me.

But I know there's a couple too many beers. And you guys were asking me about my tattoos on my legs. And then I proceeded to lower my shoulders. You're talking about on stage? Yeah. Right. What were the tattoos? I can't remember this.

I kind of remember. Oh, shit. I think you commented on my Chucky tattoo on my leg. And then I was like, no, she won't remember this. I kind of remember. Oh, shit. I think you commented on my Chucky tattoo on my leg, and then I was like, no, she won't ever care. Now it's coming back to me, yes. I never forget a good Chucky tattoo. So now you live in Cleveland. You're originally from Akron.

Have you done stand-up anywhere other than on Kill Tony before? Actually, right before the coronavirus went down, they closed shit uh i found a club like 10 minutes away and they were doing an open mic but they told me it had to be pg-13 so i'm like shit okay i'll make it work and then they're like okay five minutes and you have to bring friends so i did and it went well and then they're like the winners of the semi-finals are and then they called my name was like what i didn't know this was a competition. Shit. Cool.

Wow. Look at that. That's pretty cool. What did you win in the semifinals? I have no idea. A trip to the finals, I guess. Oh, that's great. Heck yeah.

But that didn't happen because of Corona, obviously. Yeah, I think it was supposed to happen today, actually. But I guess this works out hell yeah destiny i love that you are uh is that a basement that you're in right now you live under the stairs this is my bedroom no uh i live in like a townhouse type of deal so this is the main room that's just stairs down to a garage cool and you live there with your husband how long have you two been together uh it'll be five years this year we'll be married here in august okay what does he do uh he is a supervisor at a distribution center for a factory that makes floral foam it's exciting shit

floral foam yeah for like floral arrangements that green fluffy shit floral foam sounds like a drug that president trump's been taking i've been taking it three weeks now very good what do you do for work alexis chainsaw massacre well i was an occupational therapist and then i had gotten laid off like right before the coronavirus just because the company was tanking right then i was miserable anyway so now i'm trying to take this opportunity i just started a uh a blog site for corona comedy and i'm trying to make that happen so i don't have to go back hell yeah sounds very promising sounds like a good startup to me thank you by the way Tony I'll use in terms of face tattoos I think ICP face paint would be

the way to go for you oh okay yeah I like that maybe maybe that's the move. You drink Faygo? No. I just shake it up and explode it on people, you know? Hell yeah. Tell us more about what you do for fun. You know what? One talent I have is that I can always keep myself occupied. I love to write. I love to cook. I've, during this quarantine, dressed up as Doc Antle from Tiger King on a few occasions.

You gotta make things interesting at home now. Who'd you dress up as? Doc Antle from the Tiger King. Oh, wow. The guy with the ponytail. Yeah. You just dress up like him and walk around the house like Doc Antle?

With corn dogs in your pussy? Corn dogs in my pussy? Yeah. Frozen corn dogs in your pussy? Corn dogs in my pussy? Yeah. Frozen corn dogs. You gotta spice things up in this quarantine, you know? Yeah. Yeah,

absolutely. I've also played Animal Crossing. Not anything too exciting, honestly. Just like being home. Heck yeah. Sounds pretty exciting to me have you ever played animal crossing dr fauci you know i'm so busy yes yeah i play all the time i actually play animals crossing it's when i watch mexicans try to cross the border and i say no thank you. He won't come to my island.

I bought a switch myself. I set up the account. I made it really easy. Dr. Fauci wants to be your friend, Mr. President. It's clear I'm the cool kid in class and this is the nerd, okay? It's a classic diatribe. I learned what that meant with his friends

earlier today. Not with me. I love it.lexis have you ever been arrested before you have the you have uh arrested energies it seems like you've had some wild nights in your life started a cat fight with a little girl not quite in your weight class maybe accidentally cracked her head open yes definitely cops energy she was talking shit she told me me I couldn't get refills at the movie theater, so I beat her ass. Come on. I've never been arrested. Never?

I've never been arrested. I've had misadventures. I'll put it that way. Like what? Give us a good example. Tell us about one of your misadventures. So I have two ferrets, and the first one I bought wasted.

Two ferrets? You got the ferret wasted? No, I was wasted. Out of all the things, Tony, that I've heard tonight, not surprised at all this woman has two ferrets. Yeah, that's what it is.

That's what I've been picking up on. It's ferret energy. Can we see one of the ferrets? Is there one around? Yeah. Can you juggle your ferrets for us? Is there one inside you? She's like, ferret.

That's Fawcett. Ferret Fawcett. Wow. Dr. Fowcett, she just called you Ferret Fawcett. That's awesome. No, they're not around sadly they're tucked away upstairs got a kind of a chaotic household

going on what else is going on over there do you ever like take your ferret out on the town like skip work or something and as you know ferret bueller's day off oh my god do you do that

I just saw that movie very good movie very good film would love to see a ferret version pixar get on it they probably get out all the time she just doesn't know it probably honestly because they they steal shit from me so i have no idea i can imagine that they'll break out the window if they really wanted to what else is what else is so chaotic about your household you have two ferrets what else uh two uh very high energy pit bulls and two cats oh my god how do the pit bulls not attack the ferrets you have to keep them separated, right? Like sheath underwear. Yeah, that's right. The dogs are the downstairs pets.

Ferrets and cats are the upstairs pets. That's right. Kiss your bulls goodbye. Your bulls and your ferrets. You got one compartment for your ferret, one for your pit bulls. Yeah, they all stay away from each other.

Actually, somebody just asked me to adopt a sick dog. I'm like, dude, I don't have capacity in this place. I'm already ready to get rid of half of them. Did they phrase it just like that? Will you adopt a sick dog? Yeah. In the eyes of the devil. You ever fucked around with your dogs?

Oh, God. Red band. You know what? As much as I love dog porn, no. I'm just kidding. Heck yeah. That's not what you're into. I know what you're into just by looking at that picture you got over your shoulder of David Lucas in a cowboy hat.

I know what's going on back there. All right. got over your shoulder david lucas and a cowboy hat i know what's going on back there all right uh well alexis chainsaw massacre it was fun to have you on this show again uh fun stuff you know it's hard to yeah judge or talk about anybody's jokes at this time but you know i would just say always try to be as original as you possibly can be you know there's something about just there's almost no university of phoenix online joke that i would like it's almost impossible to write a university of phoenix online joke that i would like just because it's so sort of like a punch line that's sort of beaten up and like almost anything you know it's better to fail doing something that's never been talked about than it is to succeed with something that

you know it's like we have a couple old school comedians at the comedy store for example like really old school that have been doing it for 50 years and they each have the university of phoenix online jokes so maybe i guess people like me that are around stand up a lot are sort of like ruined by that sort of jaded by that so you know but i guess people that don't know a lot about stand up wouldn't mind it but you know you can get these weird habits out of the way now and keep writing. And, you know, always, like I said, just fail original rather than try to get a little base hit. For sure. Well, I appreciate the advice. Awesome. Alexis Chainsaw Massacre, everyone.

She's on Instagram and Facebook at Corona Comedy Blog. How fun. We're moving it along. Thank you, Alexis. From beautiful Northeast Ohio. Home of Tony Henshaw. The Wright Brothers. The most presidents in the history of the United States of America

The state of Ohio Ohio voted for you, Mr. President Very well, very grateful Fun fact, Ohio has decided every president in the history of presidential elections There's a saying, so goes Ohio, so goes the presidency of the United States of America I didn't know that So goes Ohio. So goes the presidency of the United States of America. I didn't know that. Yep.

Also astronauts, right? Flight. Football. The football belt. Many great head coaches from Ohio. Look at this guy. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. Here he is, the king of eyebrows william

montgomery is joining us everyone brand new eyebrows wow he did he painted those eyebrows in look at that oh we're gonna talk about that william go ahead tell us what your thoughts have been this week uh i bet the first person to ever get rrolled was like, hey, you sent the wrong link to Mandy Morg's nudes. I'm currently writing a reboot to Murder, She Wrote, starring me, William Montgomery. It's called Murder, He Wrote. I banged my girlfriend so hard last night, I gave her moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

To finish up, it's the 40th anniversary of Dante's Peak. I would like to give a moment of silence for Pierce Brosnan. You definitely got that moment of silence you wanted. You still got 20 seconds. If you have anything else, now's the time if not we could just start the interview process let's start it up all right where'd you get the new eyebrows what are you talking about are those are those from are those amazon prime what seriously what are y'all talking about you mentioned something at the beginning

yeah you didn't have eyebrows the last few months, and now all of a sudden you have very full. Yeah. You're looking very Latina is what he's trying to say. Can you zoom in on us a little bit? Can you hold the phone closer to those eyebrows? Closer? Yeah, that looks like a drawing.

Yeah. It's actually a lot of makeup right below the eyebrows as well. Prosthetics, maybe even. No, these are real. I think if... Why are you squinting your face like that? Seriously, William, how did you grow those this week? It's a... Oh, my God. It's such a long... A lot of aloe vera. How did you grow those this week?

Oh, my God. It's such a long process. A lot of aloe vera. Is that covering up bruises? No, yeah. It's aloe vera. I put that on, and they're really coming in good. Do you all like them?

Yeah. No, it's great. I like your bandana, too too what's going on up there that's new i can't figure out how to do this phone thing you're doing a good job move the bandana back a little bit yeah there we go perfect now i can see you yeah this is great. Is that better?

Yeah. How are y'all doing? We're doing good. We're doing great. This looks like if a leprechaun laid an egg. If you look at him right now and imagine him with no hair, like head hair or face hair, you can see what he would look like if he was completely bald and shaved oh yeah that's great this is him this is him at the end of his man on the moon movie it is he looks like joe pesci and jfk when you mentioned joe pesci i just i saw twins this past week i love it he was really good in. I don't really see the Joe Pesci or the JFK so much.

You know when Joe Pesci has makeup on in JFK, his hair is all fucked up. Oh, Joe Pesci in JFK. I thought you said Joe Pesci and JFK. Simultaneously, I was confused as well. I'm like, wow, definitely doesn't look like either one of those guys. That's

interesting. That kind of sucked, dude. That kind of sucked dude shut up oh at least i got real eyebrows oh my goodness you're really shit are you serious you're fucking with me right now i wonder how long they'll last can you rub one for a little bit and we can see how how sturdy they? Like rub it, actually touch it? Rub it up and down. Yeah, I'm rubbing it really hard right now. You're rubbing it side to side.

Can you rub, rub? It's not even touching his head. No, you're not even touching it. Rub it up and down. Come on. There's a bunch of glue stick, Obby. I have been watching RuPaul's Drag Race and I put the glue stick on

underneath and then i painted them on yeah it looks like there's a bug stuck to one of them that one right there yeah you have some dirt my room's pretty dirty right now can we see it can you take us in show us your room please that would actually be super entertaining to get some insight on what your actual life is like come on take us on a little fucking adventure william do something outside of the box come on yeah don't overthink it come on william be fun i don't think it's a good idea why tell us the honest reason why i don't want to do beer or bad news. I'm just not going. I'm not. Why?

I don't know. It's fine. I'm just not going. I can't. You can't go into your own room? There's piss all over the bed, probably. No, I can't. I'm not at my place, so it's not even my room. Yeah, you are. We can tell. This is where you've been all month. It's not my place though take us inside it just seems like you're overthinking it i've never seen you this scared to do anything before i don't think he's allowed in the house right now no he is we're not gonna make excuses for him go yeah i mean it's a bad idea if I go Ed right now. Why is it

a bad idea? William is more of an outdoor guest. I think it's a good idea. I want you to do it. Come on. I never ask you for anything. I want to see what your dirty bedroom looks like. It's not my bedroom.

And it's not a dirty one either we find out he's staying oh so you've been lying this whole time are those even real eyebrows yeah these are real yeah yeah yeah what do you mean lying about what you said you had a dirty bedroom but you don't even have a bedroom and it's not dirty. I do have one, but I'm not at my place right now. We find out he's been staying in a dog kennel this entire time. We find out he's right outside

this building. Okay, well, fear or not fear. Let me... Alright, here we go. This is exciting. Appears as if he's going to a different person's house altogether. How do I flip the footer? It's hard to see.

Where do you live in? He's in a shed. Where are you? Do you live in? Are you in the Michael Myers house? Is this the Blair Bitch Project? What is this? You really need to figure out how to use your phone, man. How long have you had a phone? He's literally right back to where he was.

Yeah, that was great stuff, William. I really feel like I went on a journey with this guy. I feel like I know him now. William, the president has been taking hydroxychloroquine for the last week and a half. He's also been on fluorofoam for three

weeks. Also, Zythracin. The Z-Pak. Azithromycin. Zythracin Mountain. And how about you? what drugs have you been on lately anything interesting like chlorophyll anything like that did you mention resident hydroxy

cut earlier yep um how about you what drugs have you been taking a lot of amoxicillin. Oh. Okay.

I get stripped of it all week. Really? Yep. It's bad. It seems like you've been getting that a lot lately. Every week. I have. I have. Yeah, it's getting better. Amoxicillin helps.

It's a pink little drug. It's true. I'm sorry. i wish i was in my place i feel like that best everything up i feel like this is probably one of my best sets and then i do you ever go to your place anymore are you just strictly staying with your girlfriend who doesn't inspire you at all and drags you down she's great no don't hold on this is getting really bad no she's very nice i have i haven't been to my place in a little while right i'll say that have you been getting a lot of work done have you been productive making content or writing or creating or going back to work totally no i'm going uh yeah i'm back at work um been creating a bunch of content like what what what content i play a lot of tic-tac-toe against this computer

and i throw in jokes some of the time it's been a really big hit okie dokie william we love you we miss you and we'll talk we'll talk to you next week okay sounds good there goes william montgomery william.f.montgomery1 on instagram i believe that's also his gmail password for those of you interested in breaking in on his email all right your next comedian goes by the name of Gabriel O'Byrne. Let's keep rolling straight into Gabriel. Let's see what happens here. Here's Gabriel O'Byrne.

Hello, everyone. My name is Gabriel O'Byrne, and I was born and raised in Bogota, Colombia. I realize that that might be a little strange for some people to hear seeing as I look like a gayer version of Hitler's dream or so my neighbor tells me. But it's absolutely true. And I thought that I would just take this chance to answer some of the more common questions that I get every time that I tell somebody that I'm Colombian. Number one, yes, I have done cocaine. And number two, yes, I do enjoy cocaine. But it's cocaine.

I mean, it's... Oh, dude, do you like feeling confident, assured of yourself, present, in the moment, life of the party, and having conversations till 4am with a black guy named Chudi about politics, even though you don't know what the third branch of government is. Yes, Steve, I enjoyed that very much. And I think you would too. And number three,

yes, I have seen the show Narcos. It's an incredible show. Alright, there you go. Gabriel O'byrne this opportunity comes once in a lifetime wow you shaved since your submission i uh just realized that i completely forgot that i had longer hair and uh a pretty aggressive looking mustache. Yes, you did. Yeah. And you're in Columbia now? No, I'm in Syracuse, New York.

I've been living here for a few years now, but I was born and raised in Columbia. Yeah. Wow. I hate upstate New York. How did you end up in Syracuse, New York? I'm sorry? How did you end up there? I went to college there. I did my undergrad there for four years. Then I moved out to San Francisco, but I got offered a job at the university.

I've been working here for just over a year now as a video editor oh okay that's fun do you have a connection to get cocoa leaves no I wish damn I want the cocoa leaves

I've got all the drugs yeah it's Dr. Anthony Fauci if that's real we need to talk do you ever eat at dinosaur barbecue yes fantastic If that's real, we need to talk. Do you ever eat at Dinosaur Barbecue? Yes. Yes.

Yes, I do. Fantastic. Very good. I love that place. It's very good. Very good. Wow. And Jeremiah, I'm sorry I missed you at the Funny Bone. You were here not too long ago, right?

Somebody was there a while ago. Yes, yes. This is the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. And the J does not stand for Jeremiah. All right. So how much cocaine have you done in your life, Gabriel? Living in Colombia, it seems like it flows like water. You definitely look like a young Ed Snorton.

I did. I actually never did. Well, what am i what am i saying i have done coke in columbia but i started my uh short binge here in college um but then i was working on uh mgm film over the summer when i was uh an undergrad back in columbia and the grips and electrics the people that are putting up all the lights and stuff um yeah i found out a few weeks into the shoot that all of them not a single one of them doesn't do cocaine and i got really close to them and we were just doing insane unhealthy amounts of cocaine while we were on the job. It was amazing. But I stopped since because... Did you crash?

Was there a reason why you stopped? It just made me crazy. Like I was just too hard-headed when I was in it. Like it just wasn't healthy. Well, that's great that you were self-aware enough to notice that you were losing control. A lot of the people that do drugs like that are completely oblivious to how disgusting and filthy they let their lives get. Usually something big has to happen for them to stop.

So you just stopped. But then again, you live in Syracuse, New York, so you're at bottom all the time. Hitting bottom is just touching the floor of where you're at at any given moment. Oh, my God, yeah, so what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your hobbies and stuff, Gabe. Uh, so I mean, hobbies have kind of slowed down significantly since quarantine, like for, you know, for everyone, I guess that's been the case, but, um, I was a pretty avid rock climber. Um this happened. There's a pretty cool rock climbing gym here in Syracuse that I used to go to a lot. One of my bigger hobbies when I was living in Colombia was a dirt bike racer.

I did that for a few years, to the point where I was making a little bit of money doing it. I'm surprised they have a rock climbing gym there, because like I said, in Syracuse, everywhere is rock bottom. Do you think you'll move out, like go out west eventually, or do you like living there? What moto class were you in? Three questions at once for you. I'm sorry?

Oh, four. Go ahead. I did endure a racing, Mr. President. And yes, I am considering moving out west at some point. The weather, yeah. I mean, upstate New York is... What are you thinking about heading, Buffalo? Upstate New York jokes, people people i don't even know i think syracuse is

is east of buffalo right yeah buffalo is like top left sort of yeah yeah syracuse is almost like smack middle of the of the state yeah for sure uh you ever make it down to the city yeah yeah uh new york city is one of my favorite places. How often? I always wonder that about people that live in upstate New York because I would be taking that trip as often as humanly possible if I lived anywhere around there. Yeah, I unfortunately didn't make it down as much as I had hoped.

I mean, it's a very expensive place even to just visit for a little bit. And the ambulances are out of control today here on Sunset Boulevard. So much for reopening businesses and the economy. You know, people aren't on hydroxychloroquine yet, you know, and I think that it's an issue people are rushing to be. It's been three or four ambulances going down the street in the past hour. It's not a good sign at all. What'd I say?

Nobody listens to Fauci. Welcome to another episode of Nobody Listens to Fauci with your host, Dr. Anthony Fauci. You go by Tony or Anthony? Would you prefer both? Tony is like between friends. Yeah. But just, you know, some beats doctor. Right.

Yeah, because you're a doctor. I could see why you'd lean more Anthony. That's a very highly spoken about thing amongst Anthony's. Most Anthony, first of all, Anthony's are very rare. But all Tony's are actually Anthony's. A lot of people are always surprised when I tell them that. It's like if I'm in trouble. Like, you're going to be like, Anthony, get over here.

Right. I say, Antonio, get over here. What are you telling the public again? Stop it. Okay? We can go no mass. We can raw dog our faces. That's how the president wants it.

That's how I like it. I urge you not to use raw dog. What's your love life like, Gabe? I see you have a couple laptops behind you. I'm guessing a lot of fucking doggy porn going on up there. A lot of pickup porn. That's my niche. That's my thing.

Pickup porn. What is that?. That's my thing. Pickup porn? What is that? Sex with a pickup truck? Are you talking about carry porn? Carry porn? Never mind. Kettle corn. Where guys walk around.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry. kettle corn where uh where guys walk around go ahead go ahead sorry where uh where guys walk around and they and they literally pick up women to have uh sex with them like you know within the hour or like a bang bro kind of thing like real life at a bar yeah that's just usually fake though that's what sucks about it i wish that pickup porn was real it is you that's how i that's how you get it's always funny to me when you're like that porn's fake because like all of it's you know all of it's like semi-produced there's nobody that's just like i wish it was hooking up and filming it and uploading normal sex online to a porn site. He's like, oh, this one was good, and I got it on tape. It's like a really good set of, like, a heckler video for a comedian.

He watched the movie WALL-E, and he's like, something's fishy about this. I don't think it's real. I'm not sure if these people and these robots are actually moving. There's no way this Star Wars shit happened, or else we would have found these other planets. All right. Well, it's real to me, guys. It's real to me.

I love it, Gabe. Anything else we should know about you before we move forward? He's on Instagram at ObeyCabe. There it was. Never let it go. You only get one shot to not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. You better.

Gabe O'Byrne. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. As always, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, Whitney Lee. Here's Whitney Lee. I can't feel my face when I'm with you. But I love it. Hey. But I love it.

Yeah. Here's Whitney Lee, everybody. So, I always thought I came off as like this. Bad bitch. But then I realized I'm just a basic white girl without the money. Instead of Starbucks and yoga, I just drink Folgers and Stretch. I got a lot of skills though, and being late is one of them. I'm late to work, I'm late paying my bills, and now my period's late. But I guess getting pregnant is one of my skills. But raising kids is not. I got a nine-month-old baby, and he sucks.

He sucks my tits. He sucks his pacifier. And he just sucks the life right out of me. You know, I've come to realize having babies is a lot like smoking meth. Sounds like fun, but it'll ruin your life. What is so funny? All right, Whitney Lee. I can't feel my face when I'm with you.

I'm going to start right with President Trump on this one. But I love it. But I love it. What's going on over there? A lot of laughing from Mr. President. Can I just say, perfect execution of what stand-up comedy is. The setups, the punchlines, loved it. All right.

There you go. I love that. How are you doing, Whitney? I'm good. Oh, okay. We got word, Whitney, that your boyfriend also sent in a minute, and we are going to play that minute right now. Here's the minute from Jesse.

Jesse Hedrick. Ooh, same backdrop, I believe. Here's a minute from Jesse. The other day, my neighbor's cat got stuck on the roof. It was storming. The cat was soaked. It took him like four hours to get it. But that's not bad.

It takes me months to get pussy. Longer if I want it wet. And I have a girlfriend. The other day, we got in a big fight because she did the dishes. Half of them. Who does half the dishes? I don't take out half the garbage or change half a diaper. Maybe it's a woman thing. I've gotten half a blowjob because her jaw was tired. If I keep writing these jokes, I'm going to get

half my shit. You know, we had a kid recently and having a kid really changes your life. Like for example example now it sucks it changed her too like now she's ugly thank you absolutely surprisingly these people probably aren't from upstate new york but you look like people that would live in upstate new york where are you at what my mom's living in new york city you're also in upstate new york no no we're in colorado oh okay hell yeah awesome i love that and is the nine month old baby his yeah yes okay that's good that's a good thing that'd be crazy if you are if you move forward that fast into a serious relationship with such a young baby i love it um so that's cool did you guys You guys obviously knew that each of you submitted tonight?

Yeah. Yeah, we worked on our test against each other. I love that. And have either of you done actual stand-up comedy before? Yeah. Yeah, we've been doing it for six months. Had a couple clubs here. Heck yeah. You guys look like you have a Mountain Dew Baja blast.

Oh, shit. you guys look like uh you have a mountain dew baja blast oh shit um hell yeah do you hunt jesse i have a bow you have a bow yeah the sound's bad oh you have you have a bow a bow and arrow have you ever hunted anything with your bow and arrow uh not another plastic oh shit well you have a you have a hog right next to you you could hunt if uh i'm just kidding i'm sorry i'm sorry whitney i hate being mean to people over the internet if the stakes are so low there's just it's only fun for me in real life i feel bad over the internet it's like oh i'm sorry it's like it'd be easier it's totally backwards with me i know i know i'm sorry you're beautiful whitney you're beautiful

uh hell yeah how'd you guys meet what fucking uh what trap house bar did you guys meet at um we're up in georgia yeah the center it was an ihop in georgia good lord oh my god look at that made some baby batter right out of an ihopOP. How soon after you guys met did you guys get knocked up? You guys definitely have those fucking Maury Povich energies over there. I bet one, two, three times. We were together seven years. Wow. Seven years.

That's very impressive. My goodness. And only one baby, one nine-month-old? Yeah, and that's it. Did you know that we could hear the baby on the recording of this submission that you sent in yeah we heard it so i just said this sounds too bad we just got to keep moving on i'm sorry guys uh uh but i love that you submitted. You're our first couple submission in the history of the quarantine episodes of Kill Tony. Adorable stuff.

Hopefully we'll see you at Comedy Works in Denver real soon. There they go. Whitney Lee and Jesse Hedrick, everyone. I can't feel my face when I'm with you. Yeah, yeah. But I love you Here he is. Another regular on this show.

Are we going to wait on that? We're going to keep moving along. We know this young lady. His Wi-Fi is completely out. Wow, David Lucas not paying his Wi-Fi bill. Not paying his cricket bills. Oh my goodness. Wow.

That's wild. All right, David Lucas taking the week off. So we're going to move forward to Erin Lipsky. We've seen her before, and here she is. A new minute from Erin Lipsky. She better run, better run. How to run my gun. Here's Erin Lipsky. One of the things I think it's really important for us to do is focus on silver linings during the quarantine.

Like, since I'm stuck at home, I don't have to see my mom. And she's a complete thundercunt. I know some of you don't like that word, but I want you to know I'm not using it lightningly. Another silver lining is since all the alcohol gets delivered to your house there's less drinking and driving. Because let's be real, some of us would be leaving the bar at 1030 tonight drinking and driving. Some of us would hit another bar and leave there at 2 30 a.m. drinking and driving. And some of us would be balling until 7 a.m. drinking and driving until we hit something in

the bike lane that had a favorite member of the Paw Patrol. And what you're thinking, how do I know? I'm not a monster. I popped that bitch in reverse, grabbed my beer, poured a little liquor out for a homie, and she was wearing a pink shirt with Sky, you know, the pilot. Oh, sweetie, you should have picked Marshall, the EMT.

Jesus. I'm not sure I understood any of that. I don't understand any of that. Sky, what are you talking about? Aaron, how stoned were you when you wrote whatever the hell that was? Welcome to the show, Erin. What episode were you on? Was that Cleveland or? It was Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That's right. Yeah. Another one of our least favorite places. We've had upstate New York and Milwaukee. Absolutely doodly. And that's where you live, right?

Yeah. I'm in that area. Yeah. Heck yeah. Is that where you were born and raised? Pretty much. Yeah. Awesome. Do you know the hotel that Tony went off on? Do you, have you ever been there? Yeah, I have not been there. And I was really surprised that that's where you guys got put up because there are way better places, and whoever managed or set up that show for you guys did not take care of you like they should have. And on behalf of Milwaukee, we do apologize. Anytime that happens, that means there was something else going on in that city where there's like, if it was Milwaukee, then it was certainly some trash cheese party

or something like that. It was the New Kids on the Block or something. Yes, that's party or something like that on the block yes that's right the news new kids on the block performed across the street from us and everybody's like this is the biggest thing that's happened to our city in a long time yeah yeah it was pouring rain and there were women my age and older standing out there just foaming at the mouth yeah sold out pretty scary new kids on the block still fucking unbelievably famous in milwaukee still doing it and upstate new york all the hell holes really just new kids on the block are still the new kids on the block there

like nothing time stopped there at one point so aaron uh tell us more about you what do you do for work um i work at a dye shop so we make the tools that end up at the other place to make a bunch of stuff so it's everything from like harley davidson decals to like transmission gaskets and gap fillers that go into airplanes and stuff you just never know it's all sorts of random stuff we're called alpha alpha industries wow look at that yeah it's a badass name uh what do you what do you do exactly at the dye shop other than eventually slowly dye i do order entry but um since it's been a little slow and hard to tell lately um i get to like work on the website and do all that sort of stuff too. Hell yeah. How's the quarantine been treating you?

Anything fun going on there? You live by yourself. What's going on? Yeah. Yeah. I'm by myself. I have my own place and everything and I am really lucky that I still go to work. One of the random weird things that we make is face masks. So we make the dyes to go to companies to make face masks or those plastic shields that you see everywhere. So I am an essential employee and I get to keep working which is awesome. And my other job on weekends was a gas station job that closed down but continued to pay me because they were an amazing employer looking out for us. So I've been really, really fortunate. But both jobs were awesome

because they gave me my days. I got done at work at 2.30, so I had my nights to do open mics every night, which was really great. I miss that. Where would you perform in Milwaukee? Where is there that has open mics? There are actually a few places, but definitely the place worth mentioning is the High Note. It's right off of Wisconsin Avenue, and it's also a karaoke bar. I actually went there with Rogan and Nick Swartzen a

long time ago, and there's a video that I made of Joe and Nick on stage from the High Note. That's a really cool place. That is so cool. Yeah, definitely shout out the owner is an amazing guy. It's an amazing spot. We do mics Tuesdays and Fridays there. On Monday, there's

a mic at Bremen Cafe. On Wednesday, there is a mic that runs at the new place that opened called the Laughing Tap. It is a bar that just opened right before the quarantine run by some of the comics out here in the scene that have been in the scene for a lot of years and produce things like the milwaukee comedy festival where people like ari performed aaron do you get hit on a lot of

a hotel aaron do you get hit on by a lot of black guys there in milwaukee yes i literally have been driving in traffic and have had to avoid and run away from people in traffic when i'm in the hood hey yo what up bitch get over here they hold up signs and their phones with like messages make me roll down my window they've made you signs before with like with what their venmo on them or something what do the signs say that they had jeremiah dash watkins on venmo it's a poor child me i'm a billionaire that kid who knows what's going to go on with him what are the what have the signs said the black guys have held up these guys said can i get that i mean you could resist that my goodness and the spelling was proper on all those words you know i was driving so i wasn't that focused can i g.i.t that that have you been with a black man before aaron obviously yes yes i have

what do you prefer white or black uh definitely white guys yeah oh okay me too i do prefer the whites over the blacks i believe you won Wisconsin too. What is it about the white guy that you prefer over the black man? Well, there's a lot of things. No, no, I'm asking Aaron, Mr. President. He just said that he would let the white man inside his borders. So how about you, Aaron? What do you prefer about white men over black men you saw it

um it's it's not that it's just um people that i connect with more it's really whoever i connect with and it just kind of took a shift when i was younger that that was who wanted me so that's who i connected with and now that i'm older i can be more discerning that is such a politically correct answer i would expect that from the president himself listen i would like to offer you a running mate position you wouldn't like who i vote for i don't think she likes running, Mr. President Just kidding, Aaron You're right It is meaner over the internet somehow Welcome to another episode

It's quiet Also, the confidence isn't there behind it And he kind of whispered it Normally there's hundreds of people That go insane When I make jokes like that And when there isn't Yeah, it's isn't yeah the first time I did this I had not seen Kill Tony really I had gone to Appleton having no idea what Kill Tony was I

just got one of those things where oh you went to Tom Segura so come check out Kill Tony and I had seen Red Van on Dr. Drew After Dark and so I was like wow I really liked him and I know Tony from the Rose because I love Rose so I went to see Kill Tony and before I left that episode I had already bought a ticket to Milwaukee and in those two days I wrote that minute and kind of perfected it on the drive to Milwaukee so when I did like the Schumer part was like on the drive to Milwaukee so it was just this amazing experience to like get up and have a first minute of comedy and be able to do it for you guys. And then since then delve into everything you guys do and everything you guys are.

And it's been really cool. Hell yeah. And I wouldn't have started doing open mics if it was not for Tony, for all of you guys, but especially for Tony. So I am very, very grateful. Thanks a lot. I love that.

Thank you so much. Tony's Venmo is at Jeremiah dash. Thank you so much for your support, Aaron. We love you very much. I love that. Uh, well keep, um, keep writing and keep going to those open mics when everything opens back up again. And, uh, thanks for your submission, Aaron Lipsky, everybody. keep writing and keep going to those open mics when everything opens back up again and uh thanks for your submission erin lipsky everybody she's uh with a zero zero h n o get erin e-r-i-n all one word zero h n-o-i-t-s-e-r-i-n thanks erin Thanks, Aaron. Let's just keep rolling right along. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Scotting is your next comedian.

Here's Matt Scotting. All right, here's Matt. If you don't eat humans, you're a cantable.able but if you eat pussy you're a cuntable if nuns are saving themselves for god then why do they do so much porn now there's too many national days there's national pancake day national bicycle day there's even national masturbationurbation Day. This day I really don't get it. I just don't get it. Okay? When women celebrate it people are like good for you girl power, so brave. But when I want to celebrate it people are like oh gross

that's disgusting get off this bus. Now gimps and cowboys have a lot in common. The word cowboy actually comes from back in the West and it means a man who wears leather. So that means that gimps are massive, massive cowboys. So yeah, they have a lot in common anyway. So they both wear leather, They both use handcuffs and saddles, and they both get fucked by giant horse sticks. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do.

Hello, Matt Scotting. Hey. How's it going, pal? How's it going? How's it going? How's it going? How are you? Where are you? I'm in Hanoi, Vietnam.

Wow. But I'm from England. Oh, my goodness. How'd you end up in Vietnam? I didn't want a real job. So I came here. So what do you do there? Well, I was an English teacher,

but now I kind of got a bit of a passion for teaching. So now I teach like projects to like kids, essentially. So I do like world-related issues and then you like have to solve problems. Okay. Originally from London, England. How long have you been in Vietnam? Manchester.

Oh, Manchester. Oh, Manchester. Yeah. Yeah, we were sicker one day ever in Manchester. originally from London England how long have you been in Vietnam? oh Manchester yeah we were sicker one day ever in Manchester the first episode I heard was in Manchester so I was like the first episode I ever saw of you guys I was listening to it in Manchester

and I was like oh my god that's my city and then you guys were all dying yeah we were definitely dying that was the worst yeah that was the worst it was our michael jordan flu game it really was i thought about that when i watched that last night that was definitely fucking us plowing through it i wonder i wonder how that you have to go back you should go back and it sounded good i haven't re-watched that it might be funny it might be the worst episode ever.

Yeah, it was Manchester. That's the one where we were all sleeping in the green room like a minute before the show started. We're all just laying down on the ground. Yeah, we were really close to death there. It was pretty exciting stuff. The band were law attorneys. Jeremiah's English accent is pretty good.

I was quite impressed. It was. They were great, great attorneys's english accent's pretty good i was quite impressed it was they were great great attorneys uh so that's fun what do you do for fun there in vietnam how are they doing under this quarantine condition well vietnam's like the michael jordan when it comes to virus control so like the second it started they just panicked and did everything right. Like, things are normal here. I think we can all agree. I am the Michael Jordan of presidents, if we're just throwing around Michael Jordan analogies around.

You are, Mr. President. I feel like you can learn a thing or two from Vietnam, Trump. So people there just really don't have it at all, so there's no spread at all? No, there was I think around 200 cases and all recovered.

Wow. Wow. Because you all quarantined yourself and you wear your masks. Yeah. Everyone wears masks anyway, so it was kind of normal. So the curve is flat in there and everything's 100% normal?

I don't like... You know, some of the public schools don't let the expats come in yet, but the private schools where I work are normal as that. You know, you can go drinking and restaurants and everything. Uh-huh. Where's the Vietnamese lady that you have somewhere in that house? She's in the cupboard. Ah, I get it.

I, too, spend a lot of my spare time in the closet. That's very exciting. You must see her there. Hell, yeah. So, Matt, what is your love life like there in vietnam have you been uh experimenting with any lady boys perhaps or boy boys or lady ladies what type of sheath underwear is your partner wearing basically um well whenever i go on tinder every time we just like mass swipe right because i just like to see what comes out you get some

funny messages and at least twice a day you'll get hi i am lady boy they just we just kind of i respect it they just kind of flat out say it like they're not gonna play you they're just like lady boy let's do this right yeah you're a mass swipe writing because you think it's funny i i don't believe you know i'm desperate there you go there you go nobody just keeps swiping because they think it's a hilarious thing to do okay so what's the uh what's the wildest thing that you've met up with off of there um anyone that looks like you i actually did date someone at one point and um we're in a restaurant and some american lady did just walk up and go are you two brother and sister or are you dating like i don't understand

why you just woke up someone and say that yeah yeah that is weird of them to do that's weird so that'd be hilarious at a comedy show. Like if they're in the front row and you were the comic and you're like, hey, are you guys here together? Are you a brother and sister? I love it. Dr. Anthony Fauci giving comedy advice to professional comedians on

Kill Tony. I don't know if you know this about Fauci, but he secretly wants to be a stand-up comedian, always runs by jokes by me do you have any that you have you've been running them by me day and night Fauci do you have any that you want to share with Tony

in the class right now do you have any more jokes Dr. Fauci or do you want to think about it for a bit let's see give me a second I'm really on the spot here this is something I've been thinking about for a long time. You know, he calls it the Chinese virus, right? Yes, it's true.

Yeah, I would call it the definitely not made in a lab virus. Oh. These are the kind of jokes I hear nonstop. Calls me on my face. These are the Dr. Fauci jokes. So you have a Spurs jersey behind you. Are you a fan of American basketball? Yeah, I love basketball.

I grew to six foot when I was 12, so I was instantly roped in to play basketball. Oh, wow. I didn't get six foot until I was 13. That's crazy. You know, got to catch up. Yeah, for sure. And then you decided to shrink after that?

Yeah, I put on so much muscle when I was 14 that it weighed down my spinal cord and I shot down to 5'9". See, these are facts. These are scientific facts if I've ever heard them, Dr. Fauci. That's right. All right, I got another one another one. Where would you grow the coronavirus? Where? The big farm. Hey! Dr. Fauci. He sends me these in

email format. I read them. I don't laugh. Subject line. Haha, funny joke. Jesse looks like a Dutch Bernie Sanders. Thank you. I mean. There's a little Dutch Bernie Sanders going on there. Or an American Dr. Fauci.

That's Dr. Fauci that looks like Dutch Bernie Sanders. Yeah. All right, Matt. Fun times. Thanks for chatting with us. All the way from Vietnam, which I mentioned earlier as the only country to technically ever beat America in a war. You did. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you. I'm a massive fan. I love the show. Thank you so much, Matt. There he is, Matt Scotting, everyone. He's on Instagram. Matt, S-C-T-T-M-T-T-N-G.

Matt Scotting. Oh, what the heck? It's that time, everybody. The one, the only, the goat. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Laird is here. Here he is. Hello, Michael. Hello.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Murder Mike. I'm Chris Condren. Give it up for your host, Michael Lair. Hey. Hey. Hi. I'm Michael. First the ads. Want your customers to feel safe?

Can't afford trained, qualified security? Then fuck with Securitees, nation's number one provider of people who wear T-shirts that say security. Our employees are the industry's best at one thing and one thing only. Standing in place for long periods of time, we provide people and T-shirts. Just tell us where to stand. Securities. Great job.

You know, during the plague, traditional-style Italian cuisine from the man who killed the man who killed the president. His actions may have been ordered by Jimmy Hoffa, but his dishes are all in a word, Ruby, mobster, assassin, fall guy. We may never know, but even the Warren Commission can agree on this. You'll never have better

garlic mashed potatoes. Zag says, Zag Ruby sounds like a stage name, and these dishes are Ruby's stage, as well as the police basement where he gunned down Lee Harvey Oswald. What did Oswald know? Something about candy or the recipe to this tremendous ragu. We'll never know, so judge for yourself. Obsters just like

me and you, violent foodies. So you know it's going to be a good sauce. All right, great job. Now you know we have a band on this show, and they've been hiding in the refrigerator the whole time. So let's hear it for Mariah Moran. What is she dressed at this week? Oh, look at this. Oh my god. Alright. So, Mariah,

what? Very good timing, Chris. Mariah, what are you dressed up as? I am the Wicked Witch of the West Coast. Oh, hell yeah.

West Coast, baby. The West Coast. Now, we know what happens next. It's the bucket of booze. So, that's fun. All right. It's coronavirus. Let's hear it for coronavirus.

Anyone out there? All right. All right. All right. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful. Coronavirus, you have a minute? Let's do it.

Good evening, ladies and germs. I'm Corona, but you can call me C-word for short. I'm new to LA. I've been here about three months. Don't pretend you haven't heard about me. But I got gotta tell you, I get really annoyed when people confuse me with carrot top. So I gotta correct them and infect them. The other day, I was going to a workout, and it dawned on me, Bobby Lee is the Asian Asian buddy packet. What? I can't order takeout?

In the race to find a car for me, would you shut the fuck up over there? In the race to find a car for me, the big question is who gets Remdesivir and who gets ice cream? Oh, I love ice cream.

And I love kids. They're such great super spreaders, touching everything with their sticky little jam hands. Now I have time to work on my reality show. Oh, my God. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. I didn't hear the kick.

I didn't hear the kick. Tony. Tony, what's up? Hey, are you live? Oh, we're live right now. We're just going show to show. I love this. Yeah. You created the monster

and the monster eats you I love it I love it I like your version a lot more I like your tablecloth more I prefer the shotgun to the sword I like the extra tiny bucket I prefer your piano player

I've gotta to say it. For sure. Yeah, the band is much more attractive. Sound quality way better. Definitely. Yeah. The quality of the comedian you have on this show, better. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Corona, where are you from? I'm actually from Brooklyn, but my family is from Transylvania where the bats walk among us. All right. All right. Let's hear it for Corona. Can I give Corona a piece of advice

that I sometimes give people advice? Corona, you should hold the microphone not to your forehead. You should hold it lower, closer to the open part where the sound comes out. I might have to listen to that. Hey, Tony, now I got a beer with tears when she watches the replay.

No, it's going to be great. Corona has a tough sense of thick skin. This will wash right over. Yeah, it won't really hurt for about 14 days. Wonderful. How are you guys doing? We're doing good. We're holding strong here. I'm here with the President of the United States, Donald Trump, and Dr. Anthony Fauci from the government's health program.

What do you call that? Oh, yeah. The National Institute. Everything's going good. Trump, when are we going to open up? Of AIDS. When are we going to open up, Mr. President? Well, you know, we've got a lot of protocol in effect right now where we're slowly opening up the country in different phases.

I've kind of let the governors of different territories kind of govern their own territories. Wow. governors of different territories kind of govern their own territories. Wow. Wow, he wasn't listening and I get a boilerplate. The president is currently on more medications than you, Michael Lehrer. Oh, man. I want the fast ones. i get the slow ones i want the fast one yeah he might be

taking some of the med do you take any medicines prescribed for lou gehrig's disease for als mr president uh yes robert tusson claritin oh yeah those are the big ones Indeed So let's talk about this Wicked witch of the west coast The wicked witch of the breast Yes I'm gonna give a zerbert Right on her chest What's a zerbert?

Where you blow You know like a strawberry You know like that I guess I do know what a zerbert is What's a Zerbert? Where you blow, you know, like a strawberry, like on Sunday. Oh. You know, like that. Yeah. No, I guess I do know what a Zerbert is. Bill Cosby used to call it a Zerbert.

Oh, like a raspberry? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. But a raspberry. Oh, yeah. Jim, I heard that. And tell us, where'd you get this incredible incredible podcast producer to your left there shaggy oh chris condren uh davis um our old friend from chicago fuck yeah hello

so what else is shaking mike why one last question why do you keep your band in their refrigerator um keep keep them fresh yeah dude yeah baby i love it you got the caveman coffee shirt on i I love it. You got the Caveman Coffee shirt on. I fucking love it, dude. Fuck yeah, man. I don't even have one of those shirts. Where'd you get that? Me neither.

Where did you get that shirt? Well, this is Westside Gunn. He's a rapper from Buffalo. He's on Rock Nation now. I'm waiting to hear from my community

colleagues if I'm an alumni of the year. I have not heard anything. We have to get on that. I can't believe that that hasn't happened yet. I don't know.

I mean, you know, there's a lot. One more question for your witch. Is she interested in, does she ever ride a broomstick? Good question. Yes. And what's your only fan so we can see that? she interested in uh does she ever ride a broomstick good question yes and what's your only fan so we can see that i do have one really what what is your only fans if you want to plug it please feel free it is venmo at jeremiah dash president trump that that's not actually a joke go ahead no i'd plug it but i just they changed their it's the long story they changed their policies i just deleted it like

yesterday so thank you okay indeed is there anything you'd like to plug on the show yeah my instagram is mariah drew carrie follow me if you want to see more of my boobs and stuff. There you go. Absolutely. Who has a pen? For God's sake, who has a pen? I need to write this down. MariahDrewCarrie, all one word.

Spelled like Drew Carey and Mariah Carey, right? Yes. But MariahDrewCarrie, all one word on Instagram. And how about your producer there? Is there anything he wants to plug? I just released an album. It's called I Promise My Next Album Will Be Better. Ah, I like that.

Where can people find it? It's on Spotify, iTunes, all that stuff. And how about you, Michael Lair? King Mike. I'm MichaelLairComedy.com. Fuck me there I'm working I always find this

the next big thing is around the corner I'm gonna be on America's Got Talent and um what was the other one when are you on America's Got Talent?

Well, when they'll plug in, then they'll bring me in. But, I mean, I'm a rolling ATM machine. Like, my story sells itself. Plus, I write bitch by the pound so I mean I'm gonna be oh man it's gonna be so fun the world will see

Michael I tell you this every week and I'll say it again I love you so much we love you we miss you we can't wait to have you in studio. We wish you were here with us. And on this episode, I think we all wish

we were actually there with you. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. All right, wait, Mike. Corona has one more joke. Let's, um... Oh, Corona with a big closing joke. Here we go. Hold that microphone a little bit lower and talk loud.

Because this schmuck cut me off before, I didn't get to tell you. I'm working on my next masterpiece, a cross between the common cold and an STD. It'll be called Sniffalus. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to my supporters. Keep wearing your face mask on your chin. I'll see you at the beaches. Thank you very much.

The great coronavirus on an episode of Murder Mike, everybody, with Michael Lair, Mariah Drew Carey, and Chris from Chicago with a new album. My next album will be better. and Chris from Chicago with a new album. That was fun. My next album will be better. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Kyle Moucha,

perhaps Moocha, and we're going to roll right into that right now. Here is Kyle Moucha, everybody. But push it real good. Kyle Moucha, here we go. I don't think I'm ever going to get married. It's a lot of pressure. I don't even think I can deal with picking my best man. I've got four brothers.

How am I not choosing one of my four brothers? Also, how am I choosing just one of my four brothers? What, am I going to draw straws, pick one of their names out of a hat, tell them which one I actually like the most? of my four brothers. What am I going to draw straws, pick one of their names out of a hat, tell them which one I actually like the most. My older brother got married when I was 14 years old. He didn't have to deal with this. He chose two best men and neither of them were us. What was he going to do? I was 14. The next was 13, nine and eight. Go with the nine year old, have a large toddler in a tuxedo standing next to him holding a very expensive diamond ring and how would he explain that to the rest of us sorry guys i'm going with keith he's upstairs right now he's

working on his speech he's going to start with a little austin powers impersonation then he's going to move on to a song from tony hawk pro skater 2 and then wrap up with a really sweet quote from animaniacs fuck yeah really sweet quote from Animaniacs. Fuck yeah. Kyle. Baby, baby. Hi, Kyle. How's it going? How are you, dude?

Not too bad. It's Mocha. Mocha. The confusing Middle Eastern OU there. Wow, what kind of Middle Eastern are you? Czechoslovakian from what my uh 23 and me has proved so far yeah wow so that's what you have to be to look like the dad from teen wolf yeah yeah but like only when it's the worst opportune time to look like the dad from teen wolf can you guys pull up a picture of that?

Maybe we can go side by side. Bathroom scene, please. It's actually really good, Tony. I know exactly what's coming, and I'm very excited. Yeah, this is very special. Very rarely do we have anyone that looks like the dad from Teen Wolf on here. Hey, fun fact, they're re-releasing Tony Hawk 1 and 2 remastered. Yeah, it's going to be amazing.

It's going to be a good time for everybody. Never really got into Tony Hawk. All my friends were all of them. Straight crack. So were you not a big pop punk kid back in the day? Because that was the big thing for me. I didn't play video games, but the music was what brought me in. Like Superman by Goldfinger was hands down the greatest thing that ever happened.

I would pretend to play a video game to listen to that song. Absolutely. The dad from Teen Wolf has now gone up on the screen next to you, and it is pretty mind-boggling, the resemblance. If he wore the backwards Dom Irera hat

like you have right now, it would be incredible. Can you do any kind of dissolve rather than a cut so it can fade into him? Yeah. Are the people at home seeing you? You could just lean

back. No, lean back. It's all good. There you go. Exactly. It's impressive. The guys here at Better Box are unbelievable. Yes, there you go. Exactly. Oh, that's impressive. There we go. There you go. The guys here at Better Box are unbelievable.

Very good. So where are you at, Kyle? I live in the Poconos. I'm in Pennsylvania. Still on lockdown. I bartend, so we were like the first things. Allentown. Right on the, like stroudsburg is where i'm at it's right on the border of new jersey and pa right where 80 crosses over oh okay how far of a drive is that

to new york city about an hour and a half or so depends all right it's an easier ride to take a drop over to a bus or train in jersey and you know do that whole thing into the city yeah you have a lot of cool shit behind you um tell us uh i do yeah tell us more uh i don't know i run a a trivia night now this whole thing is going on i used to do a trivia night at the bar i work at um and then i run a podcast we have a youtube channel and instead of just being bored i decided i would do trivia and this is the background for my trivia setup where i just put all the coolest shit i had um like my charlie chaplin uh fucking eight millimeters and and my Oregon Trail card game and Scully getting chased by an alien in a mug right next to a Gilmore Girls mug.

You know, just a bunch of random bullshit. Gilmore Girls? Look at you, boy. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah, man. Luke Dyer like a motherfucker over here, man. Gangster. I know that my demographic is definitely chubby ladies in their 40s, so you got to know that. Gilmore Girls is great. You got to know that.

Fuck yeah. How many ferrets do you own? I've never actually owned a ferret. I had a roommate with two ferrets at one point. Oh, there we go. You just rent your ferrets. Yeah, I got out of it. Yeah, yeah. I didn't actually have to buy them myself

to get that critique any animals there? a snake? my roommate's got a cat my roommate's got a cat I used to have a bunch of animals me and my ex had like nine animals because she was a psychopath

and just had to adopt everything that came on Facebook. Right. And now I just have a roommate with a cat, which is way fucking better, you know? Just way better. Absolutely. And how long ago did you two break up? Ah, you know, about a year, actually.

It might be like the anniversary today if i were to look at a sad journal somewhere absolutely about a year ago yeah are you happy now that you guys are uh separated oh my god well she is currently uh about to have a baby with the next guy in line so heck yeah bullet dodged right there for sure. You don't have to worry about any babies breaking into your Terminator dolls or anything like that. Yeah, that's a Terminator 2 puzzle in a box on top of all that shit. I don't need that baby fucking my shit up. Uh-oh. President Trump is very close to Jeremiah walkins who has a whole new puzzle

it's true a whole new puzzle life i've been working on a 50 piece puzzle for nine months now in quarantine and it is very very entertaining i love it man i love it have you been dating at all it's been a year since the big breakup what are you doing for uh dating oh yeah yeah yeah you know doing the bumble and the the tinder and tinder has been allowing everybody to do a tinder passport so you can just put yourself anywhere in the world so i figured i'm a fat irish guy i'd just drop myself in ireland and been cleaning up virtually in ire now. Wow. But, yeah. Just standing a lot of women up in Ireland? Yeah, just go meet me here. Yeah.

And never. I'll meet you on the corner of Dublin and McGregor. That's my Irish impression. Welcome to Bonehenge, you know what I'm saying? Bonehenge. Hey, here's a trivia question for you. hey what here's a trivia question for you what 1980s movie uh changed uh the federal government's understanding of hacking and after they uh the president saw this movie he had a meeting with everyone it's like wait we got to do something about this this movie just exposed us was it a

harrison ford movie nope i'm assuming it was not a Harrison Ford movie. I'm going to guess Flight of the Navigator? Nope. Oh, Gage and Anthony know. What is it? Charlie knows. War Games. War Games.

That's right. That was that movie. We had no laws against. They just high-fived in the production booth. We had no laws against hacking or anything like that after that movie. They just connected their sheath underwear together. Yeah. the production booth. We had no laws against hacking or anything like that after that movie. They just connected their sheath underwear together. Yeah. In the booth.

Close that curtain. Don't let them out of there. Wow. Very interesting. What kind of trivia do you do? Is there any specific brand of trivia? No, not really. I started doing it just to kind of entertain my... I got 17 nieces and nephews and

they're all stuck with their parents right now yeah the joke that i do is i got four brothers i also have five sisters um and all of them are making babies you know putting arrows in the quiver for jesus or whatever their their whole thing is uh but they they're they're all making babies and i'm just telling jokes and and reading questions about marvel super villains to them over the internet and apparently that's doing all right as like uncle qualifications right now so fuck yeah you're always the cool uncle until always the cool uncle until you touch them inappropriately. Remember that last part. Exactly. Once you touch them, once you touch them in the wrong way. Until they remember.

Yes. There's like an eight-year gap. There's an eight-year gap where they're going to forget and then remember. And that's the sad sweet spot. Do you think he could maybe ask us a trivia question, see if we could maybe answer one of them? Yeah, go ahead.

Ask us a trivia question. All right we could maybe answer one of them? Yeah, go ahead. Ask us a trivia question. Oh, all right, all right, all right. So let me pull up our trivia. I did trivia yesterday that was about Marvel, so that would be the easiest, quickest thing to get to. Let me see. Oh, the producers are doing the warming up of the hands thing over there. They're not going to send you all dancing. They look nerdier than me.

Oh, no. Instead of that, I'll go with acronyms. I did one on acronyms the other day, all right? So this is the final question of that round. We've all been there. You're trying to sign into an account online, and you

have to prove the website that you're actually a human being. Sometimes the string of online, and you have to prove the website that you're actually a human being. Sometimes it's a string of letters and numbers you have to type, and other times you have to select certain pictures to prove you're not AI. Are you pretending like you already know it, or do you know it? CAPTCHA stand for? He thought it was CAPTCHA. It was CAPTCHA.

Now, I'm just going to let you know, CAPTCHA has a lot more letters involved in the actual acronym, but CAPTCHA is the shortened version. Wow. All right. Never mind. Did you just give us the question and the answer? I'm confused. No, what does CAPTCHA stand for?

I want you to tell me what CAPTCHA stands for. Oh. So I have two multiple choice if you want them, if you need them. Okay. Black Panther. Black Panther is incorrect. A, computer's assessment of a possible threat or confirmation of human activity. Or B, completely automated public Turing test to tell computers and humans apart.

That's the first one. B. I'll say B. Oh, you're going A, Tony? You're going B over there right now? It's B. It's B. Completely automated public Turing test to tell computers and humans apart. Yeah, I didn't know that shit,

but it entertained my nieces and nephews enough it made me some money on Venmo while I'm sitting here waiting for bars to reopen in Pennsylvania I just won one of Tony's booty candles yes smells like dildos

and booty holes nice pinch me I'm dreaming at damngoodco.com fuck yeah Kyle well thank you so much this was fun talking hey what's your youtube show so we could check it out uh yeah um we're live every tuesday on youtube uh nine o'clock east uh east coast standard time uh houseboat tommy lee jones is the name of the channel and the show show is called Kyle Mocha Won't Shut Up. And we're brought to you by Moot.TV.

There's a bunch of other podcasts and shit on there that you can check out. And Mocha is spelled M-O-U-C-H-A. And he's on Instagram at Kyle Mocha. All one word. And yes, Houseboat Tommy Lee Jones is the YouTube channel. Houseboat is all one word. Yes, sir. Tommy Lee Jones. There he is. Kyle Mocha all one word. Yes, sir. Tommy Lee Jones.

There he is, Kyle Mocha. Thank you, Kyle. Thank you, guys. There goes Kyle, everybody. He's almost there. Before we go to good art, let's check out bad art. We got bad art sent to us this week. Again, from Batman Xenomorph.

Two weeks in a row. They have won the... Again, it's not drawn, guys. It's all right. I like it. Look at that. Digital painting of Jeremiah with a saxophone over my body. Yeah.

I think you guys are missing the point of the whole drawing thing. No, I like it. What's wrong? It's just Photoshop, though. Is that Photoshop? Yes, it's Photoshop with a filter put on it. I love it. This is my favorite one I've ever seen.

The producers are saying digital drawing. No, it's... That's not a Photoshop. It's a filter put onto a photo. That's Jeremiah's real face. Well, yeah, Jeremiah's... Yeah, I know the body's not real. What do you mean, guys?

That is my body, my saxophone. I love the body's not real. What do you mean, guys? That is my body. My saxophone. I love the watermark. The watermark is beautiful. I want to see some cool drawings. Red Band is furious about this. I think it's a great idea for a segment if it's drawings. Like, this is... Yeah, it's just...

Yeah, why would... Let's just not do it. Naked bodies with the cast members' faces. Keep doing it. Send in bad art of any Kill Tony character, and once a week we'll post bad art. So that's bad art, and now we follow it up with good art with Ryan J. E. Belt, the house artist,

who's unbelievable at what he does. Look at that. Hold it up a little, Ryan. There you go. Now go down. There we are, and we're zooming in there. Look at that. Oh, my goodness. Can you zoom even closer and sort of scan it is that a vietnam war is that what we're looking at wow oh this is great you can actually sort of explain to us what you did you

have a microphone there tell us uh tell us about it tell us about your work oh michael lair on the airplane there thank you uh yeah michael's in the airplane uh i was just you know it was more quarantine we all got to wear masks now yeah of course naturally the president the only one not wearing a mask as per usual love that little. Little dick. Love it. Red band with the cat ears up top or in the middle there. Ultron gun. Oh, very cool.

All drawn during this episode of Kill Tony. That's awesome, Ryan. Incredible. Are you still having that sale at ryanjebelt.com? Oh, yeah. He did that while you all sat there doing less than nothing. ryanjebelt.com. Oh, yeah. Cool. He did that while you all sat there doing less than nothing.

RyanJEBelt.com for all the posters and prints of every episode of Kill Tony. And, yeah, the show goes on. Things slowly opening up. I mentioned some dates earlier. Those are still on. Miami, Boston, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Salt Lake City, Austin, Toronto, Bakersfield, Sacramento, San Francisco, Tacoma, and Washington, D.C., supposedly all in 2020.

Thank you to Gage and Anthony who are taking your submissions this week at killtonyquarantine at gmail.com. So send those in. Heck yeah. And how about a big hand for the leader of the band, everybody, Jeremiah Watkins. Thank you so much. So great to be here.

Oh, you have a file. Yes, got a file. Dr. Fauci told me to get more organized. Said the cardboard was embarrassing. That's great. Big Jay Oakerson is on my show this week, Jeremiah Wondersay okerson is on my show this week jeremiah wonders uh releasing weekly content on my youtube.com is there a reason why you tagged us all in that by the way you're all in that photo yeah i saw i saw that is that because you guys do like

impressions of us or something no it was literally like a lost boys theme of that that the uh that the artist at the art of getting up, Zoltan Roberts, put together. Great artist. Great guy. Great guy. Yeah, guys. Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. Thank you so much for having me.

And I love Brian Redman and Tony Hinchcliffe, the best hosts in the whole wide world. We love you, Mr. President. Perhaps one of the greatest presidents of all time, Donald J. Trump, everybody. And one of my favorite doctors ever and fellow Tony, Dr. Anthony Fauci was here. How about a big hand for Dr. Fauci? All I want to say is why is the one thing the president listens to me is to get more organized with his Venmo paper.

Out of everything I've been telling you and advising you to do. I love it. Dr. Fauci is actually Jesse Johnson this entire time. She's on social media at Jetski Johnson. Whoa! I didn't even believe it. I was just reading my notes that it was

you, but now that you take the glasses off, it's you. Who the hell is this woman? I would never work with a woman. I gotcha. Joel's back next week. Everybody's here. Everything is moving along. Shout out to the great people over at Represent Limited who made the crew a bunch of Kill Tony masks just for us, not for sale. I like them. They're cool. You can't really tell from this angle, but we'll take a picture together. Gino, thank you so much.

Ryan J. Ebel. Charlie from Vito's Pizza. If you're ordering pizza in LA, try out Vito's. If you've already tried it, then you're already hooked. And I don't have to tell you again. But if you haven't tried it yet, try it out. You're going to fall in love. White pizza is incredible with the fucking ricotta.

Everything's good there, though. Try it out. Vito's Pizza, they have locations all over Los Angeles. And yes, don't forget, trim your fucking pubes. Don't be a buffoon. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code KILLTONY at manscaped.com. And try out your sheath underwear. Again, we believe in these products.

Sheathunderwear.com. Use the code TONY for 20% off your order. I guarantee you fall in love with these underwear. If you don't, you don't have balls. Hey, guys. Check out my virtual reality show, Virtual Red Band, on YouTube. And Brothers in Cursive and Dead Air. We're still recording those.

You can find those at DeathSquad.tv. Thanks, guys. We'll see you next week.