KILL TONY - KILL TONY #456 – QUARANTINED #11

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

Jesus, Trejo, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 05/25/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You can also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates for the latest updates.

Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe. And he has tour dates and he has merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters.

And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And he also has the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Better Box Studios for another episode of Kill Tony.

Here's Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. We are back here at Better Box Studios for another episode of Kill Tony. Hi, Brian Red Band. Hey, Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. We are back here at Betterbox Studios for another episode of Kill Tony. Hi, Brian Redband. Hey, Tony Hinchcliffe. How are you doing? I'm good. You know, next week or the week after that is our, I believe, seven-year anniversary of doing this show.

I know. We're going to have to have a party as soon as we can. A pizza party, perhaps, from our good friends over at Vito's Pizza. The great Charlie is here in studio. We had more delicious pizza today available everywhere in Southern California. It's kind of ruined my pizza game. I want to have pizza like a Thursday. I don't eat pizza. The whole pandemic.

The only pizza I eat is Vito's Pizza. Yeah, same here. I'll look at the other places because, as we all know, we're all big Postmates people here at Kill Tony. But I'm telling you, I skip over all the pizza places. I had pineapple fried rice today. Chicken. Actually, no, it was a pineapple curry with chicken today. Nice.

From our good friends over at Postmates, knowing that I was going to have pizza for dinner. from our good friends over at Postmates, knowing that I was going to have pizza for dinner. Gino's also here, the lord of Betterbox Studios, which has been gracious enough and amazing during this crazy pandemic times to let us hole up in here every Monday. They have a lot of good shows here, too. They have our good friend Brian Moses and Frank.

Roast Battle. The great Josh Wolfe, who's been on this show, has controlled chaos. Jay Light has a great movie podcast. And they also have Damn Good Candle Company here, which we've been getting tagged in one, I think, in some of their posts. I saw somebody got one of your candles. Yeah. Pinch me.

I'm dreaming. That's hilarious. You can get your candle at of your candles. Yeah. Hinch me. I'm dreaming. That's hopefully. You can get your candle at damngoodco.com. Tag the Kill Tony Show account in your Instagram stories, and the Kill Tony Show account will repost it. So much fun stuff happening. We're getting back on the road. I'm headlining shows along with some Kill Tonys in Miami, Florida,

July 31st and August 1st, Boston, August 13th, two kill Tonys, Tony Hinchcliffe on the 14th and 15th. When I say Tony Hinchcliffe, that means stand up show, stand up Houston, Texas, August 20th, four kill Tonys, the 20th and 21st back to Houston, the record holding city of the most kill Tonys other than Los Angeles. the record-holding city of the most Keltonis other than Los Angeles. Fun fact. Dallas, Texas, the 27th.

Fort Worth, August 28th and 29th, right after that. So that's all in August. September, Salt Lake City. That's a great place. Moon Tower in Austin, Keltoni, September 17th. Toronto at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre just added, September 29th. Where's that at? Toronto, Canada. Nice, I love Toronto.

Tembler Brewing Company in Bakersfield, October 13th. That's a really fun joint. That's all on the road to Kill Tony Mania. October 13th, Bakersfield. 14th and 15th, Sacramento. 16th, 17th, and 18th, San Francisco. That's Kill Tony every single night that week from Monday to Monday. Fun.

October 30th, Tacoma, Washington. D.C. in November. It's all happening. Can't wait. Can't wait to go back on the road. You ain't fucking lying. I just found out I'm doing gigs next month. Top secret gigs in a city in Texas with someone that we know and work with that is very popular.

He's been in the news as of late. He is a prominent comedian and podcaster. The email to submit to Kill Tony is killtonyquarantine at gmail.com. That's important to do. My recommendation is submit a few times. You know? Why not? Make the videos fun, too. You don't have to just do straight stand-up.

Have fun with it. Stuff's wackadoodle. No one wants to see you talking in your closet about sad shit with a camera down below your waist. Who cares? Hey, let me ask you, listener, something. Did you know that two out of three guys will experience some form of male pattern baldness

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That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash kill. One more time. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash kill. That's what you got to do. You got to take care of yourself. You know, they're great. They're getting big, too. I see a lot of commercials for it. Yeah, I'm everywhere. Doing great stuff over there.

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It takes three seconds to reset your location, and you can watch amazing things. Not a lot of people don't know this, but Netflix is different in every country in different areas, and ExpressVPN gets you right into all these amazing things um it's so simple to do you just fire it up change your location and it hides your ip address and lets you control the sites uh that you're going to and where it looks like you're at you can choose from almost 100 different countries just think about all the netflix libraries you

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Like, why am I even using this? So there's no lag. You can stream HD, no problem. It's also compatible with all your devices, phones, media, consoles, smart TVs, and more. So you can watch what you want on a personal device or the big screen, wherever you are. That's right.

And if you visit our special link right now at expressvpn.com slash killtony, you get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. Free. Support the show, watch what you want, and protect yourself with ExpressVPN at expressvpn.com slash killtony. There's a toilet paper shortage! Everyone has an ass. Everyone deserves the gift of tushy.

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And it really, it takes like six minutes to hook up. Like, I mean, how easy was it? It's a no-brainer. It's like, boom, boom, two things. It's a no-brainer. We have the best sponsors in the world. We do. In the world. We get to pick them.

We got a list that they send to us. Hey, I like this. You want this? You want this? You want this? We believe in our them. We got a list that they send to us. Hey, I like this. You want this? You want this? You want this? We believe in our sponsors. Love it. And speak of the devil, speak of the fun of this show,

the great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, ladies and gentlemen, sitting at a desk. How you doing, Ryan? Hard at work. He's got his own microphone. This is the life we're living here at Better Box Studios. We got clean asses, pizza for days, privacy. We got it all.

And speaking of hair, look at that hair. Yeah. Ryan's been on keeps for a while. Yeah. He's actually the founder. I'm in zero danger. Yeah, you look like a 70s Kenny Rogers. Yeah, you look like the dad from Teen Wolf.

That's right. Oh, I did that last week. I guess you could tell I watched Teen Wolf a week and a half ago. And along with Ryan Jay, who we're going to check in with later because he's drawing tonight's episode, of course, and all of his prints, all the t-shirts all the posters ryanjebel.com and uh click on kill tony right and that's how they uh find everything just head to the shop and it's all there that's right click the shop button i love seeing people's collections on the

posters people like get them framed there's a lot of collections. My entire place is covered with a kill Tony artwork. I brought a few of them here to decorate this studio up a little bit. And I have another one that's going to the frame store tomorrow. Uh, but with no further ado, let's get into the show. We have a band here as always this week. Um,

the great Jeremiah Watkins is on a little trip, taking the night off. However, the two other members are here and it is the return of one of them that just missed a couple weeks. He's back on a lovely Memorial Day. Ladies and gentlemen, always in character. We don't know what they're going to be. They were sweating bullets getting ready for this 10 minutes before the show.

I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Jetski, Jesse Johnson. Here they come. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness.

They are cats. Oh, I thought they were special needs. Oh, no, they're cats. Oh, a special needs cat. This is exciting. Hello, kitties. Yes. Hello, what's your name?

My name is Elliot. I am a cat. And if you know anything about ancient Egypt, you would have been worshipping me back in the day. So, suck it. Wow. Also, this bitch has been following me around all day. Yeah, what's your name? Hi, I'm Parker.

Are you a dog? You are? Obviously, you can't smell her. Oh, Parker. Welcome, Parker. How are you? I'm fascinated by this cat. Oh, okay.

Jesus, she won't leave me alone. God damn it. There's like fur and dust kicking up over here. You guys are dirty dogs and cats. I'm so confused. Wait, why are you following him around? I had a taste of his shit earlier. This idiot ate a magnet,

and so now her owners put this stupid cone on her. She thought since it was stuck to the refrigerator that it was edible. Obviously not, idiot. I had a baguette. It was a good day. I said we can't say that word anymore. I've never seen a dog with a

baguette. We don't say that anymore. I've never seen a dog with the beard of a wizard before. You know what's funny is as time goes on during this quarantine, the band is reverting to its original ways of the belly room before budget because we can't go to stores and buy stuff. So we just have to like make do with what we have. Very rarely do I see a cat with a collar on, too.

It's actually a special release collar in case I get trapped because I'm very agile and I could get caught in a fence or something. All right, let's get the show started. We got Elliot and Parker. We have a dog, a cat. We have everybody here. And let's meet some strangers, shall we? Let's see what happens this week on another episode of Kill Tony, where people send in a minute while they're deep in quarantine

from perhaps different places in the world. And I don't know. We don't really judge them like they're stand-up comedians. It's a little bit of a break from the normal format of the show. The stakes are definitely nowhere near as high. Did you say stakes? No. You like stakes.

You're a cat. I didn't realize. I would expect a dog. You ever heard of a salmon steak? Oh, my God. Salmon, beef, whatever. Shut up, bitch. Back to you in the studio, Tony.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Elliot. So let's just jump right into it your first uh human being that submitted a minute tonight goes by the name of nico medina here we go here's nico medina so uh i like to talk about something that shouldn't be happening in 2020 something that's not right i don't think it's okay or fair that my face cannot grow hair as thoroughly or aggressively as my fucking butthole um up top it's, I don't know if you could see well, it's like loose wrist hairs and spider legs got taped up my face. And then down below it's like the Amazon before it did or did not burn down.

It's not on my feed on Instagram. I don't know. Um, so my mom is white and my dad's Colombian. Um, it my mom is white and my dad's Colombian. Um, it's interesting. It's fucked up though, because my dad didn't teach us Spanish. It's not okay. Even worse off. My mom never let us take bath salts and parade in the streets, fighting, cutting people's

heads off naked. Nico, you're covering your face. What's going on over there? Tell us what's going on with your emotions right now. It's overloaded right now. Sorry. I was just a little bit just watching it back and then watching you watch it back. And it's just like, oh, yeah, that's what it was. Anyways. Yeah, you shouldn't watch us watch it back.

Close your eyes. A little piece of advice for people during these quarantine episodes. You already know what you're going to do. You don't want you don't want to watch us watch it back. Welcome, Nico. How's it going? You in Florida? Oh, no, no. My mom's in florida i'm in maryland oh okay maryland all right well why why why maryland is that where you were born and raised oh yeah i was born in dc family moved to virginia moved to maryland i kind of stuck around okay what do you do uh well i was a roofer i got furloughed so uh been about six weeks i think now wow they have white uh what are you what's your ethnicity oh i'm half colombian half white okay nice all right come on hey that's it i know i know something else, White, that's from Columbia. Just saying. Oh, wow.

You dirty cat, Elliot. Do you live in a brewery or what's going on with that sign back there? No, I do a lot of Discord chats and my buddy gave me this sign and I was like, I'll just throw it back there. What do you chat about? Oh, that's a great. I mean, that's really the only way i get any social interaction nowadays is like discord parties and servers and stuff and we just literally like fridays and saturdays we'll like hang out and just all join a server and just like shoot the shit and just kind of maybe game every now and then but yeah yeah it's great that's that's what i've been doing too i love hanging

out in discord especially now with the video chat we have a bunch of people kill tony fans that all get together like a hundred fans that are all watching like vr and i heard of discord before but this week i actually had to set one up for the first time ever because i have a top secret project i'm releasing one week from today oh yeah um that has a such a crazy infrastructure built into it that there's actually its own special discord to it and i had to i had to i'd have the young bucks here around better box the great gauge tiarina and anthony mr underscore strange taste and is it strange taste underscore son of a bitch i i am oh for 11 on plugging here i uh one time i ate a lizard and that had a strange taste

to it back to you very good elliot um uh and they had to teach me all about discord so i'm like it's pretty powerful i don't know what happened the last five years maybe i guess i don't know the overwhelming amount of work that i've been lucky enough to get but i've like become an old man when it comes to everything technology. I remember yelling at you to get an Instagram back in the day. I was like, you have to do it. I've always been like, now it's Instagram's

the only half-decent one, and Twitter, I'm literally like, what is even going on over here? It's funny, they all just fall in line. I've been off Facebook for years now. Thank God. Thank dog. I would love off Facebook for years now. Thank God. Fuck Facebook. Thank dog.

Well, I would love to hear more about that lizard. No, we're going to keep it. Shut up, bitch. Oh, my God. Jesus, relax. Elliot, be nice. I am a female dog. It's actually a scientific term, if you know this.

Also, I appreciate the manatees on your shirt. It's very... The sea cow. I heard that back in the day, sailors thought those were actually mermaids, and that is where the legend of mermaids actually began. That's a fat bitch. I don't know what's happening right now.

This is one of those moments, if you're wondering, where it's like, I wonder if Tony knows what's happening right now. Nope. I am a special needs cat. Wow. Elliot coming out, guns a-blazin' with the foot on the pedal at a thousand miles an hour here during Nico Medina, our first comedian of the night. Anyway, so Nico, tell us something interesting about you that we would find interesting.

Let's see. I played spin the bottle with two dudes and a girl once and how'd that go tell us more this is great i think i went i think i went in one and four to kiss the girl so uh it's a weird weird half hour one in four yeah i think our one in fours are different because I'd be hoping for the dudes because I'm a gay man. A gay man. It's so much funnier when you do it. I know. I know.

I flipped the script. It's so good. I flipped the script on everybody. That's a good bit that you could write, though. There's a funny premise right there. Yeah. Yeah, I wish I thought about that uh before i recorded uh whatever that was so yeah next time no it's good now you know may i talk sure yes elliot one time when i was

at the pound i touched tongues with another male cat just to see two of the girl cats touch tongues totally worth it unlike this last thing i just said back to you in the studio my goodness two weeks off for Elliot. He's finding his paw-ing right now. Now it's lying on my feet. That's right. That one belongs in the litter box. I would like to hear more about this. No.

Shut up, bitch. Oh my god. What a weird combo you guys have. One thing I wanted to mention, you had asked something interesting about me. I also spaced on this because that other show was more interesting no it wasn't i've been playing drums for like 15 years or so wow 15 years huh ish yeah give or take my goodness is your drum set far away from you it's it's it's right next to me actually is it Is it really? Is it behind that giant sign? No, it's literally right here. Here, show us.

Ah. Oh, wow. Why don't you play us a little 30-second something. Let's see here what you got. These drum solos during the quarantine have been, as Parker would say, complete dog shit. They've been rough. I also thought, you stupid bitch.

I also thought maybe when they're doing this, maybe this is an audition to have a golden ticket to a drum off the next time we're in their city. Are those electric drums? Those are Rollins. Yeah, they're TD-17s, yeah. Rollin' TD-17s, that's what I was about to say that's cool

alright here we go here's a little bit of the drums from Parker we can't or not Parker from Nico I turned it on sorry let me know if you hear this really quick he's gonna see if we can hear it yeah that's great

that sucks yeah oh shit wow that's awesome man that. That sounds awesome. That's incredible. That's great. Well, you got the job. You won, so. Yeah, you won. You won.

It wasn't a Mexican drum. It was a Colombian drum off. Yeah. Which means you get absolutely nothing. This guy knows how to pull some strings over here. Can I do a quick 30 seconds really quick sure just a little test test yeah go ahead all right wow very impressive Wow.

Very impressive. That's the person who knows nothing about drumming. Very nicely done. If anybody knows anything about electronic drums, they know that there are trigger sensors so that every hit is actually at the same tempo and it doesn't really matter. It all sounds very equal

and maybe you'd like to come and challenge me on an acoustic set. Jesus Christ. Maybe you could grow some hair on your balls as well as your face and come see me the next time we're in Florida. You have a big dick. I do have a giant penis for a cat.

Okay, Elliot. Thank you so much. Where is he at? He's not in Florida. He's in Maryland. I'm going to see penis for a cat. All right, sorry. Okay, Elliot. Thank you so much. Wait, where is he at? He's not in Florida. He's in Maryland. Maryland. Yeah. Man, I'm going to see a drum off now with this guy. Wow, Maryland's Manthan himself.

You know what? Just because we're a little bit extra nice during these quarantine episodes and extra giving, you got to remind me of this when it comes up. But in November, we're going to be in D.C. doing a Kill Tony. And we'll give you an automatic 60 seconds. You can tell us your spin the bottle story. And we'll have a real drum off there. You can get behind Joel's drums and we'll have a real Mexican drum off in the capital of the greatest country in the world, the United States of America.

How about that, Nico? That sounds perfect. That sounds amazing. You just changed his entire life. Yeah, just send Tony a message before the show. That would be fun. It'll be good to put you down a little bit, Joel. I can't wait.

That's not funny. I'm a cat. Nobody puts me down. You're not putting me down. There's a joke in character. You fucking bitch. All right. Not you. I'll see you later. There goes Nico Medina. He's on Instagram

at TBPNICO. N-I-K-O. winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new Iced Hazelnut O'Shaken Espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you

from achieving all your goals. You've got this. Your next comedian, your next submission goes by the name of Rye Mattson. So here's Rye, everybody. Hey, Rye Mattson. Here we go. So now they're warning us about murder hornets.

I'd like to recommend some other bullshit animals for possible media fear mongering. Manslaughter mantis, bubonic bees, gremlins but from normal size bears, staphylococcus stingrays, brain worms, unfriendly Mormons, subway fungus, lug nut recall, evangelical jihadists, sewer snakes, toe fleas, and Samsung epilepsy. If those don't work, I've also got some dangerous political ideologies to be afraid of. The 12.6 percenters, Iggy Poppians, ironic racism, floatectionists, the foreskin reclamation movement, Bill Berbers, dad and mommy-nism, Bill Berbers, dad and mommy-nism, the global body modification coalitionists of Sebastopol, Florida, and Lauryn Hill's movement for the miseducation of indigenous peoples. There's a lot to be scared of out there, media folks. I'm just disappointed with your lack of murder-mantis creativity.

Yeah. That's Rye Mattson. rye hey guys how are you all right how's it going buddy good i'm all right man i love it where are you at i'm in istanbul turkey really oh you got the animals yeah you got the animals all riled up wow there's a lot of street cats here and dogs you'd love it how much do they charge oh my goodness okay okay okay jesus elliot what's wrong with you i said i'm a special needs cat you You fart? You fart? You're a farting cat? What? Farts don't come from the mouth. That was me blowing a raspberry.

Oh, but if they could. Okay. Shut up, bitch. So, Rye, why are you in Turkey? My wife is Turkish. I got married last year, but I've been coming here for about three years. Okay. And so how'd you meet your wife i met my wife in alaska whoa jeez louise so you were a crab fisherman no i'm not crab

salmon actually i think when we met i was yeah i love it we have a cat in studio today. So he's a hyperactive special needs cat, which is just great. It's exactly what I was hoping his tone would be. I always tell the band before the show, like, just be as obnoxious as possible, especially early on to start the episode. So that's what he's doing. So what does your wife do um she's a nutritionist uh yoga instructor gymnastics instructor all that hot girl stuff fuck yeah i was surprised man i saw i got some laughs out of you guys i was like man that's such a hacky bit uh this uh this murder hornet garbage but i mean i'm really not a stand-up comedian i've done

stand-up a couple times i did it one time here in turkey they have like an english language comedy night because apparently it's like not really like uh popular to do stand-up in turkish because it gets uh political i guess so instead they were all just doing like super racist stand-up comedy in english which is interesting so sounds like a blast sign me up exactly racist against in turkey yeah what are their least i don't know and i don't ask. I'm a guest in this country. As far as I'm concerned, they're probably monitoring this transmission, right? So I'm just taking it easy here. We got to get you an ExpressVPN for sure.

So that's fun. So what do you do now? Here I teach English mostly. Normally I'd be going back to alaska in may but there's still really no flights so i probably just wind up spending the summer here which is cool i mean we go like snorkeling and greek ruins and shit down in the south it's pretty dope so man that is awesome i actually have a friend uh from grade school that lives in Turkey. Do you know Karim Sadiq Targul by any chance? I know like five of him, dude.

Oh, perfect. Yeah, like everyone's name. Perfect. Tell all five that Tony says hello. I love that. So how long have you been in Turkey now? This time I've been here about seven months. Okay.

What's the temperature like there what's the climate and stuff i see there's a lot of bugs i've seen a couple flies yeah it's it's kind of like north carolina or something it's pretty temperate it's nice if you could if you go down to the south it's like it's hot but it's like a little bit dry it's not really like a desert i I don't know how to explain it. It's like New Mexico by the sea or something, man. It's weird. It's like a Mediterranean climate is what you're trying to say.

Okay. All right. Fine, Gilbert. Why do you look like if William Montgomery was a UFC fighter? Yeah, he got his shit together. William got his shit together. You look like if William Montgomery joined, like, the Church of Jocko Willink or something like that. I will take that, bro.

William started drinking pure water. Really? Can we join him in? Good. You think I'm scared of that guy? Maybe it's too many. Is that too much? Yeah, probably.

Is that crossover? Is that impossible? Is William here? Let me say hi to Willie, bro. He's watching right now. He's laughing. We can't have you both on at the same time. It's going to be a smooth transition, though.

Now, what you wrote was pretty, pretty funny. It did seem like it. Did you write that or was this like an email that somebody sent you like my dad or something? Or did you write it? No, I wrote that. But I could see why you would say like yeah that's some internet joke that somebody sent you or something totally true like well i definitely like don't have a lot of joke so i appreciate that i saw you guys laughing

i was like i'm getting jokes i'm getting laughs man that was good that was cool yeah that's why that's all i gotta say like i definitely i definitely was like like uh you know channeling william montgomery you know who's like um like I actually I think I sent something to William on on Instagram. Like, you know, my favorite William Montgomery joke is the squirrels joke during World War Two or whatever. Oh, yeah. And I sent him like I was trying to pitch William like some some jokes about like possible possible movie scripts or whatever because i think that was so hilarious and he actually responded to me so i thought i thought that was pretty cool but um yeah i mean you know he really like when i started watching you guys like it was probably like uh at the malcolm hatchet days and uh but when i saw william come on man i got addicted

to the show and i i definitely like getting inspired by William's stuff. Yeah, William's a fucking genius, man. It's unbelievable. This is definitely, you know, arguably our strongest class of regulars by far, perhaps. I mean, not perhaps. Actually, definitely. It's our strongest class of regulars ever. They take it super

seriously they're a real we have a real little cult following things are good over at brothers and cursive right oh yeah it's great especially after the show when william's really really drunk and he doesn't want to leave the studio and david leaves me with him and uh it takes me about like 40 minutes to get out of there because he's just like, Brian, one more cigarette. You know, it's six. So I love it, man. It was nice to meet you. Thanks for submitting, Rye.

And we're going to roll right into your man, William Montgomery, right now. There goes Rye Madsen. He's on Twitter at Murder Mantis. And we're going to roll. You guys can keep playing. We're going to roll right into William Montgomery. There he is. Rye Madsen, why did you say all that bullshit dude what happened to your eyebrows go ahead william go ahead william take the floor for a little bit

uh i'm a big jay-z fan specifically hard knock life that's all i listen to specifically Hard Knock Life. That's all I listen to. I'm in a tub up to six hours a day now. It's not funny. It's no joke. I have a diabetic dog. Hey Tony, do you think Red Band's ever seen Pete's Dragon? met my girlfriend at the X Games she was a half pipe Joe Biden so old he can't remember where he buried those kids bodies okay there's a minute from william montgomery i love it man some jokes i love you've kept writing i didn't really get like any of them but but they probably would have gotten laughs in front of a big sold-out crowd like a normal monday what's pete's? I don't get it. It's a great movie.

Well, at least the original one was a great movie. Yeah, a hell of a movie. But, you know, it sucks because a lot of people don't know about Pete's Dragon because it came out the same day as Star Wars. Can you imagine releasing a movie the same day as Star Wars, the first Star Wars ever came out? I don't think that's correct. I don't think that's correct.

It is. It came out in 1977. I heard Pete the Dragon Part 2 came out the same day as Mandalorian, which is better than all of the Star Wars movie in the whole world. This is true. Your girlfriend being a half-pipe, explain that one to us, William. I went to an X Games in

Tampa, Florida five years ago, and I met this really nice girl. I'd been drinking some. I started kissing her, and I realized I was kissing the side of this wooden structure. It turns out it was a half pipe. Are your eyes closed? Are you a samurai warrior or something? What's happening right now?

Y'all see that? I don't know what is going on. It's not good. The difference between your eyes and eyebrows last week to this week is incredible. You look like you own a Chinese restaurant or something. Albino Bobby Lee. Yeah. Corn chicken.

Yes. That's the first funny thing you've ever said, you dumb, stupid dog. Wow. Elliot. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. If you were a food while orange chicken is on the table. Oh, wait, who's that? Hold on.

Who was that? That's his girlfriend. His girlfriend, his parents, or grandparents. I want William to tell me. Who was that, William? What? Come on, it's my uncle. It's my uncle. I'm back in Memphis.

Come on. Okay. Wow, you have the exact same shed as last week. Wow, you have the exact same shed as last week. Anyway, so if you were a food, what food would you be? Probably a hard-boiled egg. Yeah. Explain to us why you consider yourself a hard-boiled egg.

Because it gets to Easter time, and everybody knows i have a follower of jesus and we end up boiling some eggs for the easter egg hunt and we accidentally make some of them hard boiled and let's talk about your eyes again for a second are they are they are they are they is something wrong? Are you allergic to something? Yeah. Tell us. Tell us what you think it is, William.

I got stung in the head by a wasp earlier. No, I did. Seriously, I got stung in the face by a wasp. Where in the head did you get stung? Right there? My goodness.

I got stung right here by a wasp. I can't open my fucking eyes. I gotta drive tonight. I gotta go far tonight. Yeah, where are you driving to tonight? Some drug dealing deal, whatever, in Englewood. Okay, what kind of drugs are you dealing? Ecstasies.

Oh, my God. Are you sure you didn't take it already? He looks the happiest. Yeah, I know. He looks like he is fucked up right now. He's got those ecstasy eyes. No, I'm not. My parents watch this.

My parents watch this. Your parents are going to wonder the same thing while your eyes are closed during this episode. Getting stung in the head by a wasp is not necessarily a believable story. Right. I guess it's stuck in the face. Yeah, well, you didn't pick the right part.

You pointed at your forehead. That wouldn't even close your eyes. Yeah, you look poached. Poached? For eggs? You don't look hard-boiled at all. Poached egg? I'm not, dude.

I'm not poached. I'm hard-boiled. Okay. I am. William, you look great. And, you know, you're just a great little source of... I don't know what the right word is. Miss y'all, when can I start coming back by the studio?

When is this happening? It's just going to be a few more months. When you don't look sick. Yeah, you look sick right now. You're not allowed to. I am sick right now. But I love this set that you made. You have a mannequin head behind you.

Is that your friend? His girlfriend. You see that. Can you get a load of that mannequin head behind you is that your friend his girlfriend you see that can you get a load of that one yeah you did that huh it's like that it looks like a it's a real person behind me yeah it looks exactly like a real person hey angela hey angela oh that's her name angela what kind of food would she be if she was a food what do you think what type of food Angela. Oh, that's her name? Angela. What kind of food would she be if she was a food? What do you think? What type of food would she be?

Probably a chicken Thai cuisine. Why? I don't know. The coconut flavor. Just the coconut flavor. How did they do that, those Thai people? It is incredible. I think they might use coconuts.

Maybe some coconut milk. I love it. I love that kind of food. I think you might be allergic to it. Yeah, what did you eat today? What have you ate today? Yeah, would y'all be scared if I was in there right now? I'd be scared right now. I'm going to take a guess.

Did I be scared right now? Did you eat bread today? Did you have a sandwich today? What did you actually eat? All jokes aside, William. What did you eat? Yeah, I had an Italian sandwich with ham, turkey. Keep going.

It was bread. I mean, really, it scares me now. Y'all asking me this. Does it really look like it's bad? Your eyes look closed right now. Yeah, they look closed. It looks like you ate something that you're allergic to. You should lay off bread for a little bit, dude.

Lay off the gluten. Okay, I mean, this scares me now. Give it a try. Because the guy before you looks like a version of you that is so much healthier. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe this is how I always look.

And also... I always just look like this. I don't think so. I don't think so. Your eyes are fucked up when did you start drinking today what time um 6am ok

there he goes William Montgomery everybody William we love you keep it going your next comedian goes by the name of Emily F. Here's Emily F., everyone. Hey, everybody. Coming to you from my work laptop, as opposed to most people who are just coming to things on their work laptop.

So a little about me. I'm a math teacher during the day and I waitress at night. And if you were going to ask me which job is harder, I would say yes. The only big difference between the jobs is if I gave a full people's elbow to a customer, I think my boss would believe them. But at the school, I think the biggest annoyance is all the screaming and crying and go on for like five, ten minutes at a time. But the kids have gotten pretty good about dealing with me. You know, they let me just cry it out. Sometimes they have to hide under the desk, you know, protect the head from the chairs flying.

And also at the waitressing job, you get plate lickers. But, I mean, how else am I supposed to eat? At this point, I'm just going to start and OnlyFans be another job where nobody wants to listen to me talk. Bye! Hey, Emily F.

Hello. Hi, how are you guys? Whoa, look at you. Glasses off for this. This is like one of those rom-coms where she turns into a... Oh. Look at that. Whoa. Look at that. Look at it. Oh.

I'm a nerd. Get out of here. No, they both work. They both work. Emily, welcome to the show. How's it going? I was worried about the reflections, so I took them off. I'm great. I'm excited. How are you guys doing? I love it. Good, good. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Never. I love it. Unless you count like standing in front of a room of children and telling poop jokes to try to get them to do math, then I guess that works, but never actual stand-up.

Do you like making your students laugh? Is it something that you do there, or are you more of a serious teacher? Yeah. it's like my job specifically i have to get them engaged in like listening because otherwise they won't do anything so it's like my favorite part of the job yeah for sure what uh what class what grade level are you teaching at so actually i'm a math specialist i do everything from kindergarten to sixth grade so i get everything from like the shitter of their pants to the eye rollers and everything in between so sixth grade what's the hardest level of sixth grade is that algebra yet yeah they start to do a little algebra did the kids ever I did the kids ever ask you why they're learning this stuff if there's going to be calculators?

Yes. And how do you respond to that? I actually have a, like my entire, one of my cabinet walls in my room is, when am I going to use this? Because I get that question all the time. But I just tell them like some bullshit about it helping them problem solve and perseverance and all that shit but but you'll have to calculate but none of you teachers really believe in that right you don't ever really think anybody's gonna use that if x equals three and y equals seven no right exactly we got it here why why do we have to do it then yeah it's so annoying we got

the real confession you know here from a real teacher. Listen, I don't make the rules. Like I said, I tell them poop jokes. I get paid. I'm happy. That's it. Red Band does the same thing. He tells sixth graders poop jokes every chance he gets.

That's so fun. That's what I call Red Band. Math teacher and a waitress. So why do you do both of those jobs? Because I teach. Right, right. You make more as a teacher or a waitress? If I worked the same hours as a waitress,

I would make twice as much as what I make as a teacher. Right. Right. Which is? Did it cost you a lot of money to get a degree to be able to teach? So I actually got my degree in criminal justice, and I worked with juvenile offenders in prison first. And that was not fun.

Hell yeah. No, that's tough. Can you give us an example of a rough situation there in prison oh god there was okay so there was the one kid that we were doing an intake evaluation on and we were trying to ask him questions about his life and you know what he had open pending charges and he was so proud he was staring at me the whole time. He's like, I got V&Es. Four of them. At that moment, I was just like,

why? Why are you proud of this? Don't be proud of this. Stop it. Stop being proud of this. I should say, he was like 15. Right. What's that art behind you? What do you have up there on your wall? That is a map of the world tony nope not that not that elliot i have a map yep we got the map what's the other thing yeah

that is a poster from a dave matthews concert i went to oh okay okay again i'm a white girl yeah you are i've been to dave matthews concerts i've never seen a more I'm a white girl. Yeah, you are. I've been to Dave Matthews' concerts. I've never seen a more Latino-looking white girl in my life. I am Greek. I'm precious Greek. Well, don't be offended by me calling you Latino. Sorry. Jesus, I am Mexican.

I'm a Mexican cat. Okay, I'm sorry. Oh, I hate this lady. I'm sorry. Shout out to Speedweed for my catnip tonight. LA Speedweed also delivers catnip. Elliot has catnip, everybody. Shit's about to get crazy over here.

Uh-oh. Are you super buff? Are you asking about... Yeah, you're buff, aren't you? I've been doing CrossFit for two years now. How do you know that, Brian? Huh? I can tell that the first video, the video she sent in, she looked like she had some guns.

Oh, thank you. Actually lost 65 pounds in the past two years. Oh, great. Oh, my goodness gracious. Can you do the math on that? It's like 12 Junior Cheeseburger Deluxe. Actually, French. I love it.

You have a boyfriend? I'm married. Oh, how long you been married for? Two years now. Wow, what does he do? He's a welder. So he's actually essential. He's asleep because he works still oh okay where'd you guys meet so uh actually we met at the elementary school that i work at when we both

went to school there wow so he was like six years old and you knew it was there was something to it sort of like our we our moms were like older moms, so they always hung out. So like we always ended up hanging out and then he moved away. And I was like when Facebook came out, I was like, oh, I wonder if that kid is a Facebook. And I looked him up. I was like, oh, shit, boy, you hot. So damn, look at that. Do you feel creepy for like looking into into how this young child looked now? It's almost weird.

Well, I didn't actually picture him as an 8-year-old when I was looking him up. You're like, let me see what this 8-year-old looks like now. See, I was confused. I didn't know that they were kids together. I thought she really was looking up some 6-year-old that's now an adult. Oh my God, no. I love it. You guys have kids no that's good not on that train bye-bye i love it i love it i love it anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go um so i'm actually an artist part-time too, so I have another complete separate job from the waitressing and the teaching.

Wow. What's that job? You teach art or something? No, no. So I paint murals. I've done a couple for the gym that I attend. And then I do portrait work for other people. Oh, wow.

Awesome. Do you have any of your work anywhere close to you that you can show us? Yeah. Yeah, I got some us yeah yeah let's see it so let's see you know this picture of me that and then just like a single tear dropped down my eye because you said you hated me i drew this for you oh shit that's bad i can't believe i look great in that thank you

cat pit that's great oh my god i got like little minis that i did of other people so Cat pit. That's great. Cat pit. Oh, my God. I love it. I got, like, little minis that I did of other people. Wow, Michael Laird? That's awesome. Great. I love it.

Michael Laird and I have beef, so. Really? What is it? What's the beef? We do. What's the beef? I told him I had tickets to Boston, and I told him, I was like, you guys from the Boston, I freaking love you. And he was like, well, I had tickets to Boston. And I told him, I was like, you guys from the Boston, I freaking love you.

And he was like, well, I cannot come to Boston. So I told him I was going to beat him with a tube sock filled with soap. Oh, OK. Well, I mean, that's pretty fucked up. He is. He seems to like it. Yeah. No, he might.

So aggro. He might. So this wasn't about hamburgers. He's the type of genius that'd probably be into taking a good beating once in a while. Well, Emily, that was awesome. That was a lot of fun. Where are you again? I'm in Massachusetts.

I had tickets to the Boston show, but it got canceled. No, it's not canceled. It's actually rescheduled. We are there August 13th. Two Kill Tonys and four stand-up shows. Yeah. I'm super excited to go. And 15th.

Well, we will see you there. Make sure you say hi. There goes Emily F., everybody. Thank you, Emily. Thanks, guys. Emily F. We're going to keep flying through them today. You can just keep playing.

Here's Eli Gill. Bum bum, bum bum. Run that ledge, my friend. Here's Eli Gill, everybody. What's up, guys? A little about me. I don't necessarily dislike being the little spoon. I don't necessarily dislike being the little spoon.

I was thinking about making a mother-son dating app. It's called Oedipal Arrangements. It's where moms hook up their sons with other moms to date, you know. But myself, I don't date anymore because I'm married. And yeah, my wife, she's awesome. She's good at a lot of things, but closing a box of cereal is not one of them. And, and yeah, it looks like, you know, it looks like there was a cat in the box and she was fighting not to get clawed. You know, she's just like. And then she puts it on top of the fridge when she's done with it.

I don't know. It's kind of crazy. Hell yeah. Eli Gill. Hi, Eli. How's it going? How are you? Good. Welcome to the show.

Welcome to the show. My video is terrible. Yeah. One frame per 10 seconds. Yeah, it's really lagging there. You on your neighbor's Wi-Fi or something? Yeah, I wish. No, I'm sitting right next to the router, actually.

Oh my goodness gracious. You look like a flipbook. Yeah. Oh, thanks. You look like you're doing ventriloquism right now. Yeah, you look like the dummy. Yes. Oh, man. Well, no, because the dummy's mouth would fucking move, Elliot.

Are you a dummy now? Not if he's an actual dummy Then he doesn't know when to open his mouth But no the dummy's not a dummy It's a thing operating Hey what is that art you have behind you Is it the world That wasn't the art That's still Elliot that wasn't the art

I have autism I'm a special needs cat Jesus Shut up bitch Oh my god I have autism. I'm a special needs cat. Jesus. Oh, my God. I would like to hear more about that later. Shut up, bitch. Oh, my God. Dang. Oh, my God.

So what's up, guys? How's it going? I mean, look, it's pure ventriloquism that's happening right now. Hello. How are you, Eli? Everything's good here. I'm a ventriloquist. Really, what is wrong with your internet?

Is it really that bad Did you guys know that I could do this I could be a fucking ventriloquist if I wanted to be Maybe he's just really fast Yeah it's really uncomfortable with his hand up my butt No again you fucks The ventriloquist is not the one With the fucking hand up the butt

Is everybody retarded We don't use that word anymore. Yeah, you can't use that word. I can. I'm retarded. Shoot. Do you have any lights you can turn on? Maybe it's just your...

The rumor on the streets is that perhaps if you had better lighting... Yeah, it's probably like... Yeah. Perhaps if you have a Wi-Fi tower with a light attached to it that you could flip on yeah are you on an engage yeah i really don't understand what's going on here uh wow because i haven't i didn't have a problem with the with the call earlier so i don't know i know they test all these things out that's so weird yeah it looks like you're on a low-light setting on your phone.

Are you using your phone or a laptop? No, I'm on my laptop. You look haunted. Look, it's not going to get any better. It doesn't matter what he looks like. Let's just try to plow through it. Eli, fun stuff. Your wife really messes up the cereal boxes that badly.

Again, guys, you just showed the fucking dummy. Hey, Corona has made things weird now. Ventriloquists are getting hands up their ass now, too. You gotta make a living. Hey, stop flashing Tony. Yeah, that's my new head shot. You're goosebump.

So, Little Spoon, I agree with that. I like being, Little Spoon, I agree with that. I like being the Little Spoon as well sometimes. I like the Little Spoon. It's a fun thing. Little Spoon, Big Spoon, I'm just happy to be on the bed. Jesse Johnson. God, Jesse Johnson.

I've always preferred dogs to cats. I don't like the way you look at me when you say that. I know. I know. I will eat you in don't like the way you look at me when you say that. I know. I know. I will eat you in your sleep. No, you won't. Yes. Nuh-uh.

Slaughter on him. Edible arrangements. The wife doesn't close the cereal. I got you, Eli. What else about your life? Where in the world are you right now? I'm in Indiana. Indiana.

That makes sense. Now it's all making sense yeah yeah it all makes sense right you that's the fastest wi-fi in Indiana right you got that laptop at Myers Eli what do you do for a living I'm an electrician man you ever do stand-up comedy before on a stage I'm an electrician, man. You ever do stand-up comedy before on a stage? No, man. They have a local open mic that, you know, obviously has recently shut down, but I had aspired to go on that. Where at, Crackers?

No, it's at a place called Kettle Top Brewhouse in Anderson. Okay. Every comedy club in Indiana is named after white people shit. Crackers, kettle corn. They got fucking Karen's

Comedy Club. All right, Eli. Do they have helium now or something? Yep, there's a brand new helium there in Indianapolis I'm a big fan of the helium comedy clubs I was just talking with the owner of all the helium last week talking about what they're

doing to get things set up friends with that guy it'd be awesome if you came to India instead of Fort Wayne yeah for sure we're never going to Fort Wayne again. Never again. No need to worry about that. But yeah, we'll probably be there eventually.

But it might be more worth it to drive to Columbus, Ohio, or Chicago, Illinois. It's only a two-hour drive. Yeah, easy breezy. Yeah, it's not too far from here. Well, Eli, maybe we'll get you back some other time and get that Wi-Fi. You're an electrician. Get in there and do it yourself and angle some wires, bro. You got to go in there.

Go in there like you're diffusing a bomb and fix that shit. There goes Eli Gill. Thank you, Eli. Have a good one, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Speaking of Wi-Fi. Speaking of Wi-Fi. Speaking of Wi-Fi, right.

No? I'm not answering. Oh, David Lucas. I need two minutes to check this. Okay, David Lucas. You know, he said he got new internet last week, and that's why he didn't have internet. And then me and William were like, well, why didn't you just use your cell phone internet?

He goes, I don't have cell phone internet good at my house. I don't know what's going on. It doesn't matter. What are you going to do? Where does he live? What are you going to do? There's a pandemic going on. David Lucas, without a doubt, obviously more than anybody. And this isn't a dig, but his style uh really is for an audience yeah i mean he's a

true pure stand-up comedian i've always said that unbelievable joke writer and performer for the stage you know you have your william montgomery's that are very silly and that's their backbone it's you know a different type of comedy silly the last few years i think people have forgotten what's funny and what's silly sometimes silly is also funny and sometimes funny shit i don't know what i was saying there but the there's a point and the point is is that willie oh yes, William is always silly and sometimes funny. And Michael Lair, I mean, is just a different type of funny. He's, you know, incredibly unorthodox with over two decades of Chicago Second City improv experience.

So obviously a guy like that can mold to this pandemic. Whereas David Lucas, I feel like, is a lot more sort of my style, which is sort of serious comedy. You give us an audience, we'll fucking rip it. We'll feed off of that energy and use the timing and beats to our advantage. But shit like this pandemic you've got us frozen fake smiling through all of this baloney so this is all a big front i think that explanation makes some sense um is he good to go great beautiful here go. We're moving to Jason, everybody.

Is it Friday the 13th? Because I present to you, Jason. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for joining our event tonight. I'm your host, Jason. At the beginning, let's all take a moment and honor our nurses and doctors. Psych! Those motherfuckers get paid enough! Thank you, thank you. Have you ever wondered what it takes to make a religion? It's kind of funny, you know, they say that churches are non-profit. I don't know if I buy that because their whole shtick isn't that based off of a prophet?

Stick, isn't that based off of a prophet? I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. Me too. That was fun. That's fucking awesome. Genuinely funny submission. That is awesome. Can you guys hear me good yep everything's good good frame rate booming everything's good business is a booming how are

you jason never been better man where are you man where in the world are you uh little bumfuck town in pennsylvania elizabethtown elizabethtown is that near it's like 10 minutes from hershey in between lancaster and harrisburg okay is hershey park still a thing like does it still smell like chocolate when you were driving through it oh yeah god i love that we just did that we just did that drive a few months ago philly to pittsburgh oh yeah i remember I had to do it in a separate car because I couldn't fit in the same car as you guys. I forgot about that. That was fun.

Come on. Don't be a baby. I'll tell you what. I missed Wawa apple fritters ever since then. I bet you do. This guy looks like Tank Abbott if he was actually part tank. Yeah, it's incredible. We had a healthier version

of William Montgomery earlier, and right now we have a healthier version of Brian Redman. It's so exciting. Well, wait till you hear the song. What song? He made a song? He made a song?

Okay. The third verse, you guys get a shout out, so bump this shit and let me know what you think. Are you going to play a song? Is there anything else we need to know before playing it? I mean, tell me what you feel. That's all I want to know. All right, here we go.

Jason sent in a song. Let's hear it. Here we go. though all right here we go jason sent in a song let's hear it here we go turn it up That you all know Welcome into my mind No need for ease dropping I don't want to be the best Just aiming for the top ten Every day we must progress Because the beat is never stopping

Try not to go make a mess With all of my brain droppings They got you hooked like you smoking crack They got you hooked like you shooting smack They got you hooked like there's no turning back But sometimes the truth ain't in the almanac I'd rather not have to be a martyr But I'm willing to die to make you smarter

Coming from the shadows, I'm coming for the top Please be suspicious if I suddenly drop We coming out the shadows It is time that you all know Fuck the Rachel Madd pull your head out of your asshole they get to me like epstein please know i'm not suicidal we raging against the machine this is for our survival just open up your eyes and take a good look there's the fishing line and you're on the hook it's gotta be the status quo's time to change.

It's kind of hard to find someone who isn't deranged. The whole damn system, top to bottom. So damn corrupt like Hillary Rodham. People read, it doesn't matter what they said. You already know, they definitely bought them. I'ma have to shake your world like a snow globe. Aiming at you with a microscopic scope. Let the soap deep in your frontal lobe. And you might just question everything that you thought you know how many generations gonna be complacent if ignorance is

bliss then bliss must be amazing has your life been feeling like a horror story well my name's jason welcome to purgatory coming out the shadow it is time that you all know fuck the rachel maddow pull your head out of your asshole If they get to me like Epstein Please know I'm not suicidal We raging against the machine This is for our survival All I need's a puff and your mind's a blunder So go ahead and call me a one-hit wonder

The only way to explain your lack of light Your Kundalini energy is out of sight Some might say, no way, that's voodoo. But look at me, I'm going harder than a blue chew. Might just have to send this in to kill Tony. I love your red band, but lay off the baloney. Chroma Chris, Jeremiah, Joel Brzezinski. The creme de la creme, as good as Gretzky.

William Montgomery and David Lucas. I'm so thankful that you both aren't nudists. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Tony. Last name Hinchcliffe, a little gauge of brony. Save the best for last, stand up for Michael Lair. The original gangster, a true player's player. Coming out of the shower. Wow.

I love it. That's the best rap song that's come out during this fucking quarantine. It's the best fucking 10 10 uh i don't even know what to call it i made 10 songs in like the last week and a half and they're fucking crazy i love it man i don't want to hear the other nine that's really good i have nine lives you have nine songs i want to hear in the progression of it wow that is incredible i would not have taken you you by your appearance sending a set from the

bathroom with a spit tune. I like the blue chew reference. I don't know how you know that I love baloney. I'm a big baloney guy. It's true. You can't even know from the smell. You're not here. Lay off of the baloney.

Hey. We like it. I already have the whole song memorized. Gage Abroni. Fuck yeah. That's my favorite part. You like that part? I bet it was.

Well, I'm also a Gage Abroni. Yeah. Anyway. I love it. Yeah. The dog over here. Parker can't stop. Can't get it out of its head.

All right. all right. Parker is actually the daughter of Nate Dogg. What do you do for a living? Work in construction with my dad and family members and shit, just a little small-time contracting thing. Doing a lot of rem your modeling and whatnot cool i love it man well i mean you had great jokes yeah the song was fucking awesome i loved everything about you man you need to listen to all the other ones and i suggest you eat an edible and fucking

just have like 10 doobies ready because your mind is going to be blown. Where do we find those at? Plug it right here. Where can we find those songs at? It's all on SoundCloud under Bees J. Cool. B-E-E-S. Oh, I have it written down here. B-E-E-S underscore J-A. Jesus.

J-A-Y-Y-Y. Is this your password or the name? Jesus fucking Christ. It was just a little name I made up when I was super fucked up and it stuck, you know? Three Y's at the end. Why three Y's? Because it's J. J.

Well, that works, but you always got to ask Y three times to smell the bullshit, you know? Y. Damn. You know what? Why? Damn. You know what? I like that. Yeah, why? Ask it again. Ask it again.

Why? Why? There you go. Very good, man. We loved it. Thank you so much, Jason. You're awesome. It does look...

I will insult you just one time. One little thing here. Go back for a second to where you put your arm back behind your head again. Jeez, I tell you I'm going to make fun of you, and then you change. The distance between your shoulder and your elbow is obnoxiously small. That's the only thing I can make fun of. Very rarely do I even make fun of people. I'm only 5'8".

5'8"? No, that's a whole different thing. 5'8 does not matter. What I'm specifically making fun of is it appears at least that you have about a four-inch bicep, like from elbow to shoulder. It might be one of the shortest arms I've ever seen. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do construction. You must be...

Redman pulled something. There you go. Red Band had to move for the first time in four months. I was moving the camera earlier to show you this painting. Oh, I love that. That's your little doggy. Did you paint that? No, my

brother-in-law's sister painted it. It's fucking incredible. That is amazing. how long have you had your dog for uh like two years now he's a little over two oh wow it's a husky just like you he's a he's a wolf husky alaskan malamute australian cattle dog mix wow that's like that alaskan wolf husky what else australian cattle dog yeah that's like all the people that have been on the show so far today combined into one it's a little uh fun fact yeah i don't know if you believe in coincidence or not but i don't no i absolutely agree um uh jason thank you so much for uh yeah elliot's a real real patty tonight it's pretty fucking unbelievable yet super believable that's the microphone elliot uh hey well i just want to

say i'm so glad i get on here and this is fucking awesome. Yeah. And we got to change this fucking world, man. I love it. We're going to do it. Make sure you come say hi when we're in Pittsburgh or Philly or something. Yeah, I need to 2028. I want to be the youngest president ever at 35.

Let's make it happen. I love it. You got my vote. I'm telling you right now. I like it. There goes Jason, everybody. He's on Twitter.

It beats J one B E S J a Y Y Y one. I like it. There goes Jason, everybody. He's on Twitter at BeesJ1. B-E-E-S-J-A-Y-Y-Y-1. And he's on SoundCloud. Check out the nine songs that we didn't hear. B-E-E-S underscore J-A-Y-Y-Y on SoundCloud. This is Texas, ladies and gentlemen. Here's Texas. There you go.

Very good. Doggy, dog. Here's Texas. I'm not leaving here till I get some pussy. That is my impersonation of William Montgomery at Jamba Juice. Can't take him anywhere. I don't give a fuck about a baby sea turtle. I have a cocaine habit. You probably guessed it that's still William Montgomery at Jamba Juice. Yeah that's right. Do not hand that man a cardboard straw. You want to hear my best William? This is my best William joke. I don't believe in astrology because I'm an Aquarius with a Virgo rising in my moon even Capricorn,

which makes me a very skeptical person by nature. That is William flirting with the goddamn hippie who runs the Jamba Juice. Yeah, imagine that. Ever since I discovered wet wipes, I stopped taking showers. That is William after discovering wet wipes. Alright.

Texas. Texas. Hi, Texas. How are you, buddy? Pretty good. Where are you? Texas? I'm in Galveston. Galveston, Texas.

Ah, the former home of the great Robert Durst, who once pushed a chopped-up body into the bay there in Galveston, thinking that it would float the other direction. He made the sweet, sweet assumption that throwing a body into the bay, that the body would go into the water. That's what happens when you're raised by billionaires. Was that before he

started Limp Bizkit? Yep. Bob Durst. Break stuff. You know the song, you're a fucking cat. You know Limp Bizkit. So, Texas, Galveston,

huh? How is it there right now? How's the quarantine treating everybody? What are your thoughts on this whole thing? We are back to work and it's nice. I like making money. I love it. What do you do? I am a glassblower.

Oh, okay. Yep. Indeed. Alright. I love it. Blow glass by a day, kill Tony by a night. All day, all day. I love it. What's that behind you? Is that William's friend? That is Vidal Zargo are goza oh hell yeah absolutely look at you guys got the hats the sunglasses i love them to float the river how

do you know how do you know gozer uh we did a hot topic fashion show together in the early 2000s. I was the DJ. Wow. I was like, that sounds pretty good. Look at that. So this is what the Hot Topic DJs are like in Galveston, Texas. What type of music do you play? Oh, you know, whatever suits my fancy. A lot of bullfighting music.

You know, the thing I love about bull music is that when you're listening to it you know many men have lost their life gored to death by beast to the score of that music absolutely and you know 30 seconds from mars can't say that you know absolutely i agree they can but certainly not the foo fighters or the red hot chili pepper i couldn't agree with you more texas in fact i'll spill the beans right here i listen to bullfighting music quite often i'll turn it up while i'm driving yep it sounds like uh you ever hear la virgin de la Macarena? Not the Macarena, Elliot.

Thank you for your fucking symbol. I was going to say that song is actually bison fighting music. Okay, very good. There you go. Oh, yeah. Jesus. I love it. I love it.

Yes, it's bison fighting fucking music. You need a spray bottle. Wow, this situation reminds me of the time I had to drive to Philadelphia from Pittsburgh in a separate car. Yeah. And the guy with the farting dog. It was great. This situation reminds me of the time three weeks ago when the band was over chiming in. And by the band, I don't mean Jesse Johnson.

All I was going to say is at least you got to be in a car. Yeah. I was in a car with a dog you got to be in a car. Yeah. I was in a car with a dog. That sounds amazing. That sounds awesome. Oh, shit. All right.

They look like they're going to shoot us. Yeah, La Virgen de la Macarena is the, that is the theme song for the great and powerful, a god to me. The great Don Rickles. Mr. Warm. It's fucking powerful music. Highly recommend that? Straight off my Spotify playlist. Woo! Yeah, a lot of people don't know that Tony has one of the best Spotify playlists,

and it's very random. He goes from, like, you would never think that he would listen to this kind of music. Did you guys listen to that on the way from Philadelphia? Oh, you were listening to a story probably. But to Redman's point, I mean, I would put my Spotify playlist right up there against absolutely anybody.

It's pretty good. I was very impressed. A little fun fact is quite often at the comedy store in the back bar, especially, well, I don't need to give away the specific times and places and nights, but I tend to seamlessly DJ the VIP area without even people noticing. And I don't even have to do any work because my playlist is already made. Super powerful, and I know people are going to ask how to find my Spotify playlist, but it is private and by extreme invite only,

and I'm very picky of who I give it to because people steal your shit. I'm shady like that. Give it to me. What? Give it to me. Okay, I'll give it to you, Texas. You know what?

I like that. I'm like a dog. If you're very commanding, you know what? Give it to me. I just hand it over. I get it. Well, Texas, fun stuff, man. I loved it.

I like everything about this. This is fun. This is a likable delivery character. Everything about it. I like everything about this. This is fun. This is a likable delivery character. Everything about it. Even though you just did William's impersonation. Yeah. And you made him sound like Mr. Magoo or something like that. I forget the voice.

Droopy dog. I was going for droopy dog. Yeah, that's what it is oh before i recorded that i was trying to get into a william character and i kept saying i'm hurt real bad i'm hurt real bad and i need some how far are you just out of my own curiosity i gotta go back to this because uh i probably won't i just want to bring it up how far are you from that bay that Bob Durst dropped that body in? I'm a huge... Is that Guadalupe?

No, it's Galveston Bay. But the question is, how close are you to that drop-off spot? Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you watched The Jinx on HBO? I have not, but I am familiar with what you're talking about. I thought that was on the seawall, but that may have been Jamaica Beach. No, I think it was

on the seawall, and it was there in Galveston. I do, I'm pretty positive. Seawall was right down the street. Yeah, that's what I thought. You gotta watch that, especially since you're in Galveston. It's like one of the craziest things to ever happen there, foron. It's like one of the craziest things to ever happen there for sure. It's a story of a billionaire.

His father actually owned the fucking World Trade Center and everyone else in his family was super successful. He was supposed to take over the family business and become the billionaire inheritor of the business. But but they they didn't give it to him. And let's just say he got back at his family in one of the wildest ways possible, by shaming their name by being an elusive serial killer. And it's all true. It's one of those documentaries.

It's just unbelievable. The Jinx from HBO. Was he the one that lived as a woman or disguised himself as a woman? Right there in Galveston, probably right down the fucking street from you. It's directed by the great Andrew Jarecki, unbelievable documentarian. And it's the Jinx on HBO. During this quarantine time, it's important to stay entertained. And that's one of those things that'll be a fun binge watch if you're into crime things. Anyway, thank you very much, Texas.

We got to keep it moving. We have a special guest phoning in. There's Texas. Thank you, buddy. Thank you, Texas. He's on Instagram at TX comedy, all one word. And we have a special, special guest joining us right now, ladies and gentlemen. This is not a comedian who has submitted.

This is not a comedian who has submitted. Instead, this is a comedian who I have grown with and come up with well over a decade now in Los Angeles, California. And he is the future and the present right now. He has his debut one-hour comedy special this Friday on Showtime. Am I correct? This Friday. What is it, 10 p.m special, this Friday on Showtime. Am I correct? This Friday. What is it, 10 p.m., Jesus? 9 p.m.

9 p.m. on Showtime. I mean, it's an unbelievable deal. This is one of these guys that I have been so close with that I've always loved. I think some people might know that I'm obsessed with comedy. I'm one of those guys that hangs out at the comedy store way too late. I love Talking Shop. I love the science behind it. I love how everybody's different. And this is one of those guys that gets it, took the hardest path possible at the comedy store, didn't try to get famous too quick.

He wanted to get good. And also with all those credits I just dropped, I will also say that this is one of the, I would say, top five guys out of everyone at the comedy store that can genuinely make me double over with laughter. Ladies and gentlemen,esus trejo is joining us yeah what's up you guys you don't have to wear your mask for this jesus i mean i don't know i'm taking every precaution baby shit i want to see the premiere of my special i love it you're in your car right now and somehow you had better Wi-Fi than the guy in Indiana.

Your stream is super clear. I'm so proud of you. I'm so excited for your debut this Friday. This is a moment that we've been talking about absolutely forever. There was never a doubt in anyone's mind. So tell us about it. Tell us about anything and everything about what's going on in your life. Well, first first of all i want to say thank you to the both of you for having me on this is great love you both and and and the whole kill tony you know company i mean you guys always been you know 100 to me and and i appreciate that but man i'm'm excited. My first one hour special, uh, stay at home son on Showtime 9

PM on Friday. I'm excited, man. It was like, it finally happened, man. I, I, I couldn't believe it. It finally happened. Yup. And you did it the right way. Like I said, so many people, especially, um, you know, this is sort of a weird, this is like a taboo topic but i'll just i'll just go with my gut on this um so many people especially i've noticed nowadays you know that are diverse right like you are as mexican and la trying to be civil right diverse but seriously like some people, especially diverse people will be, in my opinion, and I think a lot of people's professional opinion, sometimes given a little bit too much too fast nowadays, sometimes. Right. And I think they would agree with this is what I'm saying. I don't think this is a white guy saying that people are giving things too fast.

Right. I would say that. Yeah. Whatever you're saying, it's more whatever is hot is sometimes thrown into the forefront and they don't get the time to incubate. Right. So, yeah. Right.

Like, for example, Tiffany Haddish, everyone was like, when is she going to get famous? She was like a famous person so that when she started getting things she exploded and that's what i'm telling you right now we were the first to show you tiffany haddish everybody that was a kill tony fan knew tiffany haddish years before uh the normal comedy fan did um and jesus is another one of these guys that he's you've been been on a couple episodes of kill Tony on the panel, correct? Yeah. I was even a,

a Patriot at one point. I remember. Yeah. You're the Mexican Patriot. Hey, Mexican Patriot. And so was Tiffany Haddish. And so was great comedic actor,

Ryan Mervis. And so was Jeremiah Watkins who moved on to be the leader of the band. And so many great comedic minds were our heads of security at one point. That's an elite crew. You've been kicking ass lately, buddy. Because not only do you have this amazing special that's coming out, but you also have your own show on First We Feast, which I love, man. You have a taco show.

Tacos con todo. Yes. And I watched every episode. Great episode with Tom Zaguraos con todo. Yes, and I watched every episode. Great episode with Tom Zagura and Christina P. Amazing, and you kick ass. If you don't know First or Feast, they're the same guys that do our good buddy Sean

from Hot Ones, and I love it, man. You just wrapped up your first season of that. Look at that. What a dream job that is. You just go to your favorite taco places, eat tacos with a bunch of comics uh congratulations on all your success man you're you're killing it i'm so proud of you buddy thank you so much man love you man and and yeah it's like i love you guys man it just it's been

cool to kind of have everything kind of be um you know having things see the light of day finally i've been working hard on these things and you know, finally it's, it's come out for people to check out and it's, yeah, I'm excited. And we got season two of tacos con todo and that's coming out, you know, hopefully late this year, if everything gets back to normal. Great. Before we move on, can I say like, just, this is whatever, sentimental, but as a Mexican person, like, I fucking, I love it, dude. I was waiting for the premiere of that taco show.

I watched it the night it came out. The special's dope. There's a, I'm gonna spoil the joke. There's a joke about yoga at gunpoint. Check it out. I mean, I just, dude, I've showed my family your stuff. It's just nice to see you doing it. Like, to what Tony said, it's like you weren't, you're not a Mexican comic.

You're a comic who's Mexican. I love that, dude. I really like, you know, I look at you, man, and it's really great to not a Mexican comic, you're a comic who's Mexican. I love that. Exactly. You're very kind. Thank you, brother. 100%. You nailed everything that I ended up turning into what sounded like a racist rant. Of the diverse brown kind. I was like, well, wait a minute.

We're friends, dude. All these goddamn Mexicans and blacks getting all the specials nowadays. But that's exactly what I was saying. And not only are you a comic that just happens to be Mexican, but you're a true comedy store comic built in the grits of the darkness of the store. There's a whole different crew that was there when the place was empty and business wasn't booming. And all the talents, all the execs and all the agents and managers were in a whole nother part of Los Angeles. Well, we were building the infrastructure at the comedy store up, making it a more positive place place making it a place that people would actually

want to go to creating shows that were outside the box that other people weren't doing we were door guys there during the same time too that's what's crazy exactly we overlapped a little bit and just seeing each other work and then you getting past and you know do you remember the conversation we had in the video room which now is the the the comics bar yeah and and and and you looked at me like you watch you watch and see and and the true tony cadence and tone and and look you yeah you've built this empire it's it's it's amazing to watch man from seeing kill tony be in the belly room with just a couple people sometimes just you guys you know yeah talking into the mic and now to sold out main rooms and now to figuring it out man it's

just a testament to to to well i'll i'll even one up you on that in that very room that you're talking about the video room which is now the vip bar is a poster that hangs on the wall, a framed piece of art that's you and I. A fun fact for you listeners out there is that I have only lost, in my entire life, three roast battles. My record is rumored at 79-3. How's that for some tyson fury shit and one of those three losses was from jesus trejo yeah i remember that night hell yeah yeah and so does tony you're goddamn right i don't after that roast but i remember we walked up and down a sunset and we rattled off all the jokes we didn't get to say to one another

yeah at point blank yeah do you remember any of the the better ones that you said huh i don't remember probably unless tony remembers coming stuff i'm sure it was i'm sure at least one had to do with me being gay one had to do with me probably starving or something like that holocaust victim probably these are the ones that people hit me on i remember uh oh i remember one. Yeah. Right. Yeah, I think it was something along the lines of like, hey, Tony, congratulations. Your only credit on IMDb is key grip on Jeff Ross' dick.

Oh, my God. That's awesome. And a fun fact. I remember one that I had for you, too, is that Jesus is named after Jesus, which makes sense because he dies on stage. He comes back three days later, and Jews don't believe in him either. But another fun fact about that battle, which is now artwork in that VIP bar, is that that was the show. That's the show that they had all the execs come to. And we made Roast Battle a television show that night.

That was the showcase show for them to ever make a TV show. About a year, year and a half later, they actually were done with production and debuted with a show called Roast Battle. We were the ones that that wowed the crowd enough to make it happen. So that's great. Yeah, there was a couple of networks there that night. Remember? Yeah.

Right. Yeah, that's right. All the Comedy Central execs were there because I remember because I already knew them from working on The Burn, from writing on that show. I already knew them from working on The Burn, from writing on that show. And I was talking with the head of Comedy Central in the back parking lot. And Boone Shakalaka came up to me. And I believe his exact words were, oh, man, your night did not go good up there tonight, did it? Something like that is super annoying.

Do you want to buy confidence for a dollar? What? Do you want to buy confidence for a dollar? God. What? He's like, do you want to buy confidence for a dollar? Yeah, exactly. Unbelievable. So much fun. But Jesus, we are so proud of you. Enough reminiscing.

Let's talk about the future. I just recommended the jinx to everybody. But set your DVRs right now, everyone. It's Jesus Trejo's Stay at Home Son. This Friday, 9 p.m., his first one-hour special. You're going to say that you saw him here first and that we funneled you straight into it. 62 minutes.

It's a real grown-up special, not one of these 47-minute specials that are all stretched out. This is a real 62 minutes. This guy's a fucking monster. I'm going to be watching it, and we're so proud of you, Jesus. You did it the real way. You're a fucking hilarious dude on stage and off. Like I said, this is one of these guys that doubles me over.

Master impressionist, master in the moment, just a funny fucking guy. Some comedians aren't uh some comedians aren't always that funny some of the times my favorite will always be you and i in the parking lot roasting each other before roast battle was a thing till like five in the morning yep and um yeah we did that quite often you remember.m. going, oh, on more than one occasion. Absolutely. On more than 30 occasions. Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah, man. It's just great that, you know, thank you for your friendship and your support. And I think you're amazing. And, you know, here we go. Let's build. And this is a weird time for all of us. But, hey, man, let's keep the train moving. That's it. Absolutely. Here we go. Let's build. And this is a weird time for all of us. But hey, man, let's keep the train moving.

That's it. Absolutely. Here we go. Jesus Trejo, this Friday, 9 p.m. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Jesus. Have a great night. Stay home, son.

This Friday night, 9 p.m. on Showtime. Set your DVRs. And that's going to be like a real special, unlike a lot of these special specials because this is going to be his work, his life, you know, not like one of these paychecks. I'm going to write this in the next two months just to get a paycheck. And he's also a great human being. He takes care of his parents.

He takes care of his family. He's just a great guy. He is scared of dogs. I forgot about that. You should have barked at him a little bit. He's definitely afraid of dogs. It's that time of the night, ladies and gentlemen, that we wait all week for. I present to you the golden goat of all time, the Comedy Store.

It's Michael Lehrer. Here comes Michael Lehrer. Here he is, Michael Lehrer. Not walking is cool. I can't remember last time I stubbed my toe. I miss my bicycle. I don't get adults who ride BMX. Are they just bratty grown-ups who are like,

I don't want a bigger bicycle. Diets have changed so much. When I see old friends, I can't tell if they're on keto or if they have cancer. If you're in a wheelchair, you can antagonize people and they won't do shit. Make people super self-conscious. Wow, your gums are longer than your teeth. I'm living for today. I don't have a $10,000 limit on my credit card.

I have a $10,000 gift card. Ah! Ah! Look at that. Wow. There he is, Michael Lair. What's up, Mike? Hey, guys.

How's it going, buddy? You look fucking great. You got a great set up here. Oh, thank you. It's my new show. Weak as fuck with Michael Lair. It's beautiful. What a beautiful set. How can people find

this show? I just made it up right now. That's a great name for a show. Yeah. Thank you. I was surprised it wasn't taken too. Yeah, that it wasn't taken, too.

Yeah, that is incredible. That's great. Yeah, man. How'd that video go, bro? It was great. It was awesome. As with every single one of these quarantine episodes, the highlight of the show, as always.

I love the production value you added in with some whoa damn look at that michael lair pin wow i'm gonna get one of those michael lair comedy.com fuck yeah dude yeah it's been a good week jo Joe Berg is back and it's tended to, but in the fall, I'm gonna open for a rock band. They're called The Like of North America. I think that is the continent. but I'm gonna open for him and any of the band can do it with me, cause one of the band members in Chilliwack is a big fan of mine and he said I can open for them in Hollywood. And if he doesn't let me, I'm going to burn his whole life down.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. That's shellac, C-H-E-L-L-A-C. What is it? I don't know, man. Does this guy's name rhyme with Beam Elstini? I don't know, man. Does this guy's name rhyme with Beam L. Steenie? I don't know, man. If it's not black guys talking

and rhyme, I really don't give a fuck. But, you know, I'll do this for the paper. You're a big, you're a fan of rap, right?

Oh, yeah. I love rap music. Who are some of your favorite rappers? Right now, Action Bronson. He's my number one hey i want to point out i got disabled clothing on you want to see yeah of course yeah look it's tommy hillffiger on their new model. They don't know it yet, but it's called Tommy Adopting.

And look, a button, right? Yeah. Oh, no! Oh, look at that. That's a real thing. It looks like you're ready to play, or not play, like roll through a tennis court. Yeah. I know, man.

I was afraid you were going to break your buttons there. No, it's magnet technology. Wow. Look at that. That's incredible. That's incredible. I need a magnet. Yeah, you know how all my fans

are either really high gigas or chicks with dicks. Yeah, absolutely. That's why I'm one of your famous fans. Yeah, absolutely. That's one of your famous fans. Yeah, exactly. So I call them my daddies.

And they buy me, like my daddy, Conica, buy me this from Miami. Absolutely. We love it when you call us daddy. I mean, they love it when you call them daddy. And they do, buddy. I don't know if you're being sarcastic,

but they definitely do. I know. I know. I no i was but everything is to go i'm gonna be on america's god now is this true there's been there's been legitimate i talked to a i'm not gonna say who but I talked to a legitimate show business agent this week, and they asked me if that was true because they watched Kill Tony. Yeah. It is?

Well, first off, Tony, I have legitimate show business agents, too. You're not the only one who talks to them. Right. All right. And yes, it's true. I've applied and I have a producer on the inside who's gonna point me out. And I'm the American Dream.

And in the finals, it'll be me, a puppeteer and that guy who is class. Sounds awesome. We got to get you on more. We got to get you on more big shows like that. How would you feel about signing up for perhaps a Ninja warrior? Yeah. more big shows like that. How would you feel about signing up for perhaps a Ninja Warrior? Yeah, man. We got to get me an analog chair for the water obstacles. Fuck yeah.

Got to throw some magnets on that thing. Figure it out. Just put one really strong magnet on the other side of the water. Yeah, man. but the hoverboard. It's time for a hoverboard. Why aren't I hovering? Why do I even have to test the ground? That's true.

Absolutely. If anybody knows anybody in the hoverboard business, hit up Michael Lair. We got to get the ball rolling on hoverboards are myths since back to the future too they're a myth 25 years later no hoverboards no flying cars they are impossible no jet packspacks. Yeah. Yeah. Michael Jackson, Michael J. Fox, and Parkinson. My God, you are covered in strings, Elliot. I have autism. Okay.

Hey, can I show you something? You damn well know you can. Hopefully your pants have felt good. Coloring. Thank you. you something you damn well know you can hopefully your pants have felt thank you um brian you say that from my studio. I did steal it. I took the ice cream and I am in. It was weird, but my Kill Tony favorite, Pat Griffin, Humber, a stand up college pen.

And remember Brian and I told him, I love this, I feel like it's pop art. And I'm like, she either got a free box of checks And I'm like, she either got a free box of checks with this or got these pens free from holding a box of checks. Yeah. That really is priceless. She left like five of them at the studio. Wow, that's Pat Griffiniffin friends with nicole

tran and speaking of studio uh michael lair is a special guest on dead air with brian holtzman tomorrow so we're gonna have michael air in the studio wow yeah man and in case you're wondering because everyone knows i saw my bike chain how I'm pretending myself Whoa be careful you almost cut one of your buttons off there. I have already been neutered wait How much how much did the bike chain go for it? think we ever got a final number what was it 800 yeah get Ryan, if you pull up my Etsy, there are a lot of one-of-a-kind items. I love it. This is the letter opener with a wooly mammoth phone handle. Whoa, wooly mammoth.

Look at that. Yep, that is the sound of a wooly mammoth. He spent the whole $800 on that. Yeah, he bought that for $800? No, look, it's silly. I brought medicine to keep me alive. Yeah, medicine, medicine, medicine, medicine. Whatever you you do keep taking medicine michael you look happier than ever you did look happier than ever you look like steve martin there there you go

uh so uh michael we love you so much you did it. You steal the show every single week. You're fucking unbelievable. You're one of my favorite human beings of all time. Michael and I have been talking quite a bit throughout the weeks, just offstage. You know, just hanging out, just being friends, being cool. Telling them about Shalak. You're goddamn right. And he'll be opening for Shalak this fall. And we're going to be back. We and he'll be opening for shellac this fall and we're gonna be back we're gonna be back soon

things are opening up I'm gonna anywhere is nice knowing I'm gonna surprise you guys and just show up at the show in boston in august yeah wherever yeah because that's the most fun and i'm really killing it with the merchandise i love it i love it keep it up you deserve it dude these people pay for quality and and that's why they should all go to MichaelLairComedy.com. This guy makes you laugh every single week. So get on it. I love my fans. I love you guys. And you take good care of them.

There goes the great Michael Lair, everybody. Go to MichaelLairComedy.com. Follow him. It's SteveMartian69. MichaelLairComedy on Instagram. All right. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of brandy joe collard back from that here's brandy joe collard so i grew up white trash uh and by white trash, I was so fucking poor. I got motherfucking spam in my stocking for Christmas one year. My mom has had a mullet my whole life,

but in all honesty, she fucking rocks the shit out of her fucking mullet. My dad was, like, super fun. Like, I mean, so fun. He did Breaking Bad before Breaking Bad was a thing he was like cooking up his meth in a camper closet down in the Carolinas and here's the thing if you do like something down south when you're white trash as long as it's down south it doesn't count um so um and because I was white trash I was a terrible judge of character. So in high

school, I had a best friend, Jenny D and I, we did a shit ton of pills together. And Jenny was a shitty friend. But what happened to Jenny? What happened to Jenny D? Jenny D found herself a home in Georgia prison

for murder. Murder. Murder. there you go brandy joe collard uh brandy joe how are you i'm great how are you great great are you wearing a tutu i'm literally wearing my prom dress that I wore on when I was like 16 or whatever. And I'm 29. Look at that. Killing the game. I love it. Little white trash princess over there.

Why not? Absolutely. And where are you in the world? Oh, God. So like. Exactly. No, I wish. you in the world oh god so like exactly no i wish um uh white trash don't have castles we just we just stack trailers up um white castles hey parker where are you i live on the side of syracuse um but like i live in liverpool because i don't

really want to be associated with last week syracuse syracuse new york oh yeah god i grew up um i grew up in a really shitty ass town i graduated like 69 people. I grew up like an hour from here in bumfuck nowheres. Yeah, it was fucking shot. I love that. Your mom has a mullet, huh? You have a picture of her anywhere? I do. I'm trying to figure.

Oh, actually, yeah. Steve, will you go grab me that? You got a little servant? You really are a princess. How small is that person? Steve the servant over here. That better not be a cat. I don't want to see you treating cats like that.

There's a pile of pictures. Remember, I was going through all of them. There's nobody there. Fuck yeah. What kind of pills were you on when you were a kid while Steve's grabbing the mom mullet pic? Other than birth control. it's actually really funny um i was really upset because i couldn't try and i was unable to condense it down um but my friend jenny and i figured out this really good

deal there was this kid that would steal all his mom's percocets and bring them in for us and like we would just do a shit ton of percocets in high school and be like hi as a kite and then like all she had to do was give him five dollars worth of weed wow what a deal right and like i just i kind of was just like the middleman kind of thing and then did jenny murder her boyfriend or the boyfriend's new girlfriend no so what ended up happening is um which i ironic is we grew apart because she told me that i was living my life too crazy um and she couldn't be a good mom and be friends with me but uh she left her family because she got addicted to heroin got caught up with this guy and then her and this guy took this old dude

and all three of them were all like high and messed out trying to travel down you know road tripping as meth heads do and then the boyfriend got sick of that older guy and then hit him in the head with a rock and he died in uh state park in georgia wow and she was uh uh she was convicted of murder because she was just part of it she was there yeah so like um she's like an accomplice like she might see parole by like 40 like I don't think she killed him like she was probably in the car but yeah that's part of being a murder is that you don't really have to do it you don't have to drop the rock right exactly so one could say that that murder victim smelled what the rock was cooking though

uh so let's see this mom with a mullet that's always priceless uh anytime we get a mom involved with the show i love the thought of a mom with a mullet i'm thinking theovon okay so that's a picture of us wow and then that's her mullet now oh shit just not dropping that mullet god damn that's like that's like what's her name who's the uh monster yeah shirley's eileen warnos oh yeah i was thinking of who played it. Fuck, yeah. Your mom might be a murderer, too. Yeah, that wouldn't be doubtful. So, Tony, I know you're a wrestling fan, right? Yep.

My mom loved to, like, undertaker me and, like, WWE me. Like, she literally, like, she would slam me to the ground one day and, like, decided to put me, like, in a headlock. Literally in the middle of town. Just, like, dragged me to the ground one day and decided to put me in a headlock literally in the middle of town and just dragged me to the car. Because that's how you discipline where I come from, apparently. Absolutely. Yeah.

That explains why you look the way you look. What does that mean? It looks like she's been tombstoned one too many times. What about her looks like she's been tombstoned one too many times why did what about her looks like she's been tombstoned you know what i'm a cat i don't really get into these human sort of things you don't get to just say random things and then say your character's description like we just spent two hours we know you're a cat but why why are you asking me this why why would she look like she's been tombstone she seems she seems like a i mean let

me tell you something for syracuse new york that's an 11 right there i can only count up to three so i might explain it i love it what do you do for work um well actually i got fired right before the quarantine started. And so I'm just like living the high life on unemployment. It's the first time I haven't worked since I was like 16. You were at a convenience store before that, a gas station of some kind or a grocery store. Am I correct? What about her face looks like that?

You go ahead. I did car sales before that. I was a financial advisor before that. I was like a social worker, home visitor thing. And I was a toddler teacher before that. I was a nurse's aide. Holy shit. You get fired a lot. No, I quit all those jobs.

Wow. Now, let me ask you something. Both of your parents were very mullety parents we're talking about here. your parents were very mullety parents we're talking about here and i noticed that your name is brandy joe collard which sounds like the child of parents that have mullets uh do you have brothers and sisters what ready for the kicker yes my mom's tracy joe oh my god tracy joe brandy joe where are you she's watching right now, too. She's loving it. Do you have any brothers and sisters? I have a sister.

Her name is Jasmine. JoJo? Just regular old Jasmine? Yep, I named her. Thank God. Really? Oh, my goodness. How'd you get to name her?

That is the most white trash thing I've ever heard. I can't think of a name. Brandi Jo. You got two names and they didn't give Jasmine one. Okay, I'm going to tombstone you. And then you're going to give me the first name that comes to mind after that. What's your dad's name? Billy Jo?

All right. Oh, my God. I have autism. I'm a cat. You can't just claim autism. Mighty Joe. Thank you. Randy Joe's been on the show eight minutes

and she's calling you out for your bullshit. Yeah, autism, they have gifts and stuff. Shut up, bitch. Yeah. I was an exceptional child. I was actually really smart, which is not good with your white trash. I wish I was too stupid to know what was kind of going on. Right.

That's always how it works. That's always how it fucking works. Two stupid people will make a genius child. Two ugly people make beautiful children children two beautiful people make ugly children it's all very backwards this whole world that we live in it doesn't make any sense actually i look exactly like my parents well what is the breed thing i don't know i don't know how to approach this exactly are you saying your parents are we're like the same breed and it's like oh oh you're a dog oh but i'm the idiot okay

hello this show we've been going too long we're two hours in shit's hitting the fan brandy joe you are fun man I feel like we could talk to you forever. Actually, we haven't even touched the surface. I have so many stories for you. I lost my car during quarantine. How'd you do that? So I woke up, I accidentally got blackout drunk, and I woke up on my couch. I'd gone to my friend Barbara's house, and we were just having a little bit of a wine night. And the next thing you know, I wake up on my couch in sweatpants. And as I'm recalling the night, I hear a knock on the door, and there's a cop out there. And I don't know where my car is.

And I don't know where my cell phone is. I don't know where my purse is. I open the door. She goes, are you Brandi Collard? And I'm like, yeah. She goes, we havei Collard And I'm like Yeah she goes we have your purse And I'm like Okay she goes you need to go pick it up here Which I'm like then why the fuck are you knocking

On my door then but I didn't have a ride and I couldn't tell her why I didn't Have my car So they're gonna go get my wallet I'm trying to figure out How the fuck I'm gonna find my car My cell phone my wallet also my rent Money $820 was in there and my weed was in my purse. So I was really hoping that the cop wasn't going to bring that purse back to me with it.

I didn't really want to have to explain that because New York State, they don't really, they're not cool with it. So thankfully, I get a hold of my friend Barbara. She's going to come pick me up. Then the cop brings me my purse. It was not my purse. It was my wallet. The money's gone. Some crackhead in Syracuse had a fantabulous fucking afternoon, evening, whatever. So I have no idea where I lost my car. So we have to like, you know, go around Syracuse. What I remember was I was walking around the bad part of Syracuse like Salina Street because I look like

I'm kind of a basic bitch but I used to be the catch me outside girl before the catch me outside girl I used to have hoops when I'm drunk I think I can beat anybody so apparently I'm walking around yeah go ahead go ahead go ahead that's red band so walking around Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. That's red band.

So walk through. Go ahead, Brandi Jo. Some Uber driver picked me up, some random Uber driver had to pick me up and he brought me home. And that's kind of how I end up home. But my car, I had to just search for like hours to find it. And it ended up just being on some random street and that's like where my phone was um and so apparently i decided to drive like 10 miles and just walk the ghetto of syracuse somehow i didn't get shocked it was not a good part of syracuse um lost my purse lost all my rent money um and that's not the only time i've lost my car wow and it's really hard to find that's not the only time I've lost my car.

Wow. And it's really hard to find a silver cart in Syracuse when you don't know where it is. Go ahead, Parker. The other day, this just reminds me of this day. It was a great night. I got this bone, and it was just like a regular bone, like a treat. And I was so excited. I ran to the backyard.

It buried the bone. Right. Next morning, I wake up on the couch, and I'm so excited. I ran to the backyard. It buried the bone. Next morning, I wake up on the couch, and I'm like, where's the bone? Where's the bone? I need the bone. So anyway, my owner comes knocking at the door, and he's just like, hey, how you been? Good girl, good girl.

I'm just like, forget all about the bone. Next thing I know, I remember the bone. So I go outside. I'm digging. I'm digging. I'm digging. It's a rainy day. It's not a good day for a dog to be outside.

You found the bone. Yeah. Wow. She's like the catch me outside girl, and you're like the walk me outside girl. I wish. Because you're a dog. I want to express your anal glands. I need it. Wow.

Dog jokes. People just laugh when I do that, but I actually really need that. Brandy Jo Collard again I'll say it again I could talk to you forever I feel like you are an absolute well of uh hilarious I mean I love white trash stuff

me too um I think everyone does you know you just can't really beat white trash you know out of all the no because our parents do exactly look at that brandy joe you did it again she's great you know i i always say white trash is the best out of all the worst of every race eat the white people are the best trash race does that make sense is there other we have the best trash the most extravagant trash. It's the best.

It's a weird way of bragging. Anyway. Brandy Jo Collard. God, even your name. It's just like you didn't have to tell me your parents had mullets. Brandy Jo. Have you seen Tammy Jo? Anyway.

I have a dance family. What was that? I do have a dance family. I love that. Brandi Jo Collard, thank you so much. She's on Twitter at Brandi Jo Schmoes. Submit again sometime, Brandi. I want to hear more of you.

I want to talk with you again. She's on Snapchat at Brandi Jo Collard. That's Jo, J-O-C-O-L-L-A-R-D. Let's bump Manolo to next week. This episode went a little bit long. Shout out to Manolo. He has a big, crazy submission. You know what?

We're going to start next week's episode with Manolo. We're going to start with a closer just to get it bumping so that we have a Mexican guy that's funny at the top of the show next week. Guaranteed. Manolo will be back. top of the show next week. Guaranteed. Um, Manolo will be back. He's the Manolo music. And from what I understand,

he may have, you know, he's famous for having the Tijuana prostitutes on one episode doing comedy and rumor has it in the rumor mill. What I heard from the producers today is that he submitted a new minute with someone that may be transgender and in Tijuana. How exciting is that? A Tijuana transgender prostitute. Just duct taped. I mean, it's going to be really interesting to see. Before we go and check out Ryan J. E. Belt's amazing artwork, let's check out some bad art. Here's this week's bad art, which is... There it is. That is indeed bad art.

We all look bad in that. Jeremiah, frightening me. I mean, when have I ever looked like that? I don't know. That mouth is pretty close. Yeah, exactly exactly that's just my janky mouth red band spot on that's not even a bad red band it's like king of the hill or something i don't know what that is yeah it's pretty what is that joel yeah no it's the other guy with the dildo on his head and like gold leotard oh my, my God. Yeah, that's actually a pretty good Joel.

Pretty good Joel. I'm happy to not be a part of it. Hey, I'm glad, by the way, that that is actually a drawing. It was great. I want to clear something up. The last couple of weeks, we've had the same artist. Jesus Christ. Why don't you wait a second?

That is frightening. That's the guy you're talking about, right? Batman. Oh, same guy yeah okay so this is the same guy so i i said hey you know all you're doing is you're taking a photo putting in photoshop putting filters on or redrawing yeah or whatever yeah and the guy called me out not only on reddit he made a thread like i drew this blah blah and then on twitter but then uh i didn't say anything because i've been waiting look what i found i found the exact clip art that he took it from wow and and he just pretty much drew it over it wow so fuck you dude you're a tracer okay okay okay we got you jesus red band and photoshop with people. This is great.

Okay, so there you go. That bad art was from Preston McGee. That frightening Tony in last week's trace drawing was from Batman Xenomorph. What's going on? Is everything okay? What's going on over there? Okay. So let's check in with Ryan J. Ebel with tonight's artwork, everyone. Here we are.

Oh, yeah. Ryan J. Wow. Look at that absolutely incredible oh it's like calvin and harry that is so awesome there's a cat i love my dog that's great me look at williams that big uh red guy on bugs bunny wow that's that's fucking badass, dude. Wow, that is so amazing. Can the people see that? Are you zoomed in on that? That is great. RyanJEBelt.com for all the artwork,

the new Kill Tony T-shirt, all the Kill Tony posters, every drawing of every single episode, and amazing art there, of course, as with every episode, RyanJEBelt.com. Hell yeah. Not traced. Drawn., as with every episode. RyanJEBelt.com. Hell yeah. Not traced.

Drawn. Drawn with his hand. Hand drawn during this episode. He did that sitting here while the last two hours of show happened. That is just incredible. Good job, Ryan. That outro music's playing. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez was here tonight.

Believe it or not, that cat the entire time was Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez aka Elliot. Joel, plug something. Well, I'm just happy to be back. It's very nice to be here with you guys. Guys, big news. My podcast, Mostly Sorry, drops tomorrow. We're premiering it at 6 o'clock p.m. our time and

9 o'clock eastern time. We're going to be in a live chat on YouTube. Look up Mostly Sorry. I'll put all the links on my Instagram. Is it audio and video? Tomorrow's just the video. iTunes and Spotify are coming. They're reviewing everything. So you're on YouTube tomorrow at 6 p.m.

Tomorrow, YouTube, 6 p.m. our time, 9 p.m. Eastern. Awesome. And they follow... Mostly Sorry on Instagram. I'll post all my links there. Okay. But you don't know the YouTube channel? I think it's under Joel Jimenez.

Okay. Well, they'll do the math. Follow them on social media. I'll link it on my Instagram. At Mostly Sorry. And the great Jesse Johnson was here tonight, everyone. Great to be here. This is my favorite character.

I wish I could be a dog every week. Shout out to all the dogs out there. I love it. All the dogs. It's a dog eat dog world. That's rough. Jetski Johnson on social media. Incredible, incredible, incredible times here tonight.

Yeah. My top secret project debuts in seven days. June 1st, 2020. And the Kill Tony quarantine email is killtonyquarantine at gmail.com. Kill Tony quarantine, all one word. Red Band? Yeah, check out tomorrow,

Dead Air with Brian Holtzman, if Michael Lair will be on there. And then, of course, hopefully David Lucas will be there Thursday for for uh brothers in cursive with william montgomery you can find both of those at youtube.com slash red band or death squad.tv thanks a lot guys keeps.com slash kill for your hair express vpn slash kill tony for express v express VPN and keep your tushy clean with hello. Tushy.com slash kill Tony to get 10% off of your order. We'll see you next week.