KILL TONY - KILL TONY #457 – QUARANTINED #12

Episode Date: June 5, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/03/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad. TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day. So check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest, Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Killtony Mania. It returns to Sacramento, October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to Desquod.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliff, and he has tour dates, and he has some merch there.

Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJ eBelt.com. And last but not least, shop squad.

That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And he also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to Shop Squad. Dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you alive from BetterBox Studios for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinch Clee.

Hey, here we are. Another episode of Kill Tony. How you doing, Red Band? Hey, we're both alive. Especially you. Yes. Especially me. Lots of chaos in the world today, hit close to home here in beautiful Los Angeles, California.

We're sorry about the delay of having to delay Monday's show. It was not because of the curfew. It was because of the National Guard defending protests on both sides of the building here where we are taping this. Better Box Studios. It was in the thick of it right here, yeah. Yeah, we simply physically couldn't do it. So, but if we could have, we would have been here. We made it through every single episode without missing a beat of COVID-19,

which ended everybody else's show for a little bit. But we could not, we just could simply not come in and loot Betterbox and do a podcast on Monday. Yeah, and hopefully we can get out tonight, you know. We just had an earthquake. Yeah, we're going to be fine. Everything. And there's just an earthquake. Anyway, business is booming.

You know what's up. Clearly, the world is going to shit. Luckily, I have a tushy. There's a toilet paper shortage. Everyone has an ass. Everyone deserves the gift of tushy. It's an amazing bidet for your butt hole. Wiping your butt with toilet paper does not remove all the shit people.

If you pooped on any other part of your body, would you just wipe it off with dry paper? No. Water cleans better than dry paper. Thankfully, there's a new sleek bidet attachment that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water. It's called tushy and it's the best thing you can do for your butt. but Tushy sprays directly to your ass and removes the poop completely so you aren't sitting on bacteria that leads to nasty things like hemorrhoids, yeast infections, UTIs, itchy assholes, and skid marks.

No one wants that. Bidase are common in the rest of the world. I know that. Japan, every bathroom in Japan has one of these. A bidet saves you money on toilet paper. You still use a little paper, you know, to dab it dry, you know, because it has a little wetness to it. So you just use one little square, dry it up.

Tushy sprays your ass with fresh water. It's not toilet water. Tushy connects to the water supply behind your toilet to spray your dirty parts with clean fresh water. It's the same water you brush your teeth with. It's the same water you brush your teeth with. I don't know if I'm brushing my teeth post-Tushy with the Tushy water. Wet wipes are worse than toilet paper. They're terrible for the environment.

They cause anal fissures. You don't want your anus fissuring. And the best part of Tushy, it's only $79. Yeah, go to hello tushy.com slash kill Tony and get 10% off your order. I love my tushy. Take care of it with hellotushy.com slash kill Tony to get 10% off your order. It's crazy out here in the world, people.

Everything's happening. Bad cops are bad. Looting and destroying small businesses is bad. But there's some good things happening. You can get a candle from damn good candle company. The new Hinch Me I'm Dreaming Candle is selling off. the shelves I'm being told. I saw a couple of photos sent to this week to the Kill Tony Instagram.

Yeah. They're happening. And it smells absolutely delicious. That's because it smells like my butthole, which I keep clean with Tushy. You're doing a lot of VR reality stuff. Yeah. That's a lot of fun. You're escaping the chaos.

And I just debuted my new pet project, Roast Master Class, where I go over roasting. and it's a fun, funny at times, and educational course about how to better make fun of people. And these crazy times you can defend yourself from getting bullied at work, perhaps by a family member, perhaps a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Perhaps you want to roast the cops or perhaps you're a cop that wants to roast someone instead of doing physical harm to them. You could get it all, learn it all. Sign up for roastmaster class at patreon.com backslash-hinchcloth.

Cliff. We're touring, believe it or not. I have some fun dates coming up. And we all do. We're going to Miami at the end of July. Boston in August, Houston in August, Dallas in August, Fort Worth, Texas in August. A lot of Texas. Salt Lake City, September 11th. That's a fun date to be out. Moon Tower, 917. Toronto at the Queen Elizabeth Theater, September 29th, Timbler Brewing Company, October 13th, Sacramento the 14th and 15th of October and San Francisco, the 16th, 17th, and 18th of

October. Washington, D.C., again, in November or December, something like that. Tacoma, October 30th. Yeah. Thanks to Vito's pizza. You know, they dropped off some pizzas, so hopefully Vito's is safe from all this. Chaos. They're in the middle of absolutely

everything as well. Only a couple minutes down the street from me. I mean, everything is in chaos. But you know what? Let's not even get too much into it. This is an escape from all the fucking drama that's happening in the world. I don't want to talk about it all day for sure. I don't even want to think about it.

There's fucking bugs in the studio. What show was in here before us? Oh, you don't even want to throw another show under the bus. Look at these guys. These are the bug lives matter people. So let's have some fun. Take our minds off all the chaos. We could talk about it for hours, but that's what every other

fricking podcast is doing in the world. Instead, let's have some fun here in the studio, some very special treats lined up. Let's begin by bringing out, uh, how about, how about our first guest since the quarantine? How about that? Does that sound like fun? Ladies and gentlemen, we have not seen this guy since the ice house in March. One of my best pals in the world. You know, we were the last, I did the last weekend at the La Jolla

Comedy Store with this guy. We had a blast. One of my favorite comedians on the planet, one of the best roasters in the world, and one of the high-ranking regulars here at Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest tonight, the one and only David Lucas is here, everybody. Clap for David, everyone. Hello, David.

Welcome. I just want to. want to let everybody know before they immediately make their assumptions that I called David in here because of a good PR stunt. David actually asked me, right, David, if you can come down in the studio and hang out with us. Absolutely. So it's not my PR stunt. Why are you shaking your head?

We all know that's not true. No, it's absolutely true. I've been protesting all week, but I've been protesting with white people who don't chant that long. Yeah. The Black Lives Matter chat and a white crowd lasts three Black lives. That's it. That's it.

They were tired after the third black life. I'm like, damn, I got to go protests of black people. I'm so glad you're here. We're going to have so much fun tonight. Yes, sir, we are. We're going to meet some of these crazy people from all around the world. We're going to have a blast. And as you know, David, there's a band on this show.

Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. I almost accidentally walked in on them on this one. I'm going to be honest with you. I went to go wash my hands again right before the show, and I forgot that they were getting ready out there, but I didn't see anything. I'm excited to find out what they are.

Ladies and gentlemen, they're different characters every show. Let's find out what they are tonight. It's the best damn band and the Land of the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Walkins, Joel, Jolberg, Joel Jimenez, and Jetsky, Jesse Johnson. Whoa, we know these guys. Hey.

Absolutely. The newscasters have arrived. Ladies and gentlemen, no doubt about it. They've been featured on the show numerous times. Very exciting. Remind me of what your name is. Good evening, Tony. Your lead news anchor of tonight, Chet Lightning.

Chet Lightning. How could I forget that? Absolutely. Welcome, Chet. Busy times for you right now. Busy times swamped. I could barely make it here this evening. Okay, and who's this young little Mexican vampire

behind you here. I will let him introduce himself. Hello, Tony. I am the weatherman. My name is Wetbacks. Wow. Wow. Is there like an initial? Should I just call you W today or something?

WB. WB. When you see the police coming, you warn a brother. All right. And then I believe we've never had a female newscaster on. Are you new to the news team? Hello, my name's Lisa Lookout, and I'm here to Look out for you on the scene.

Wow. Lisa, look out. She is our live field reporter on duty this fine evening, Tony. Wow. Well, and it is good to be inside. I love it. Absolutely. A small earthquake just struck Los Angeles.

Not sure if you two felt that while the podcast was going on. It did. It's true. I didn't even feel it. Red band felt it. Yes. There was an earthquake. The only reason because Tony was doing this at the same time, so I thought maybe it was him.

Then I looked and I saw all these. wires like going i'm like why are those wires movie did you guys feel in the in the room no like right right before we started like two minutes before we yeah it was at 558 p.m yeah it was uh the suspect is still at large yes earthquake the comedian in fact yes indeed that reminds me by you saying 558 i was confused for a second but that is true we are uh recording um not live Live live right now. We are pre-recording. It's called live to tape.

Live to tape. A couple hours right before we are streaming to a private link and uploading it immediately afterwards so that we can abide by the curfew because there are protests all around us right now. That's right, Tony. So let's get tonight's show started. We're going to watch a minute sent in from an absolute new legend here on this show. This guy famously phoned in from T. Elana, Mexico.

He wrote jokes for a hooker. Is that the right word? A prostitute to say a couple weeks ago. And it's weird that we can't say the word hooker. Like, it's like, it's like a, it's a demeaning job, right? I mean, if it's illegal to do it, you should be able to call them bad words. Yeah. Well, no.

It's a lady of the night. A streetwalker is preferred. Or just person. Anyway. I think in Tijuana, though, I think. I think in Tijuana, they're called hookers. Right? I don't think they give us a.

This just in. You are wrong. Okay. So Manolo is back. Let's see what he sent in to raise the stakes this week. This is a minute with Manolo to get tonight started. Here we go. Here it is.

A Minute with Manolo. Hi, Tony. I'm on location here in T.J. With a fucking Mexican prostitute. Hi, Tony. You, baby. She missed you dildos and booty holes here. Love you, Papa Cito.

I'm invited a friend, but he said that was that I was tired in a camera with hepatitis. What envidia. She's always very fortunate with the exfranches. My rapha was so bad, but so malo? What was that?

A day I asked, I said, Oh, that's me went. Papa, for you're so malo. And me said, He said, Caget and still mom-mando. Never super. Never knew how to get out of the closet with my

papas. So, one day, I decided to buy me a cat. So they got herrower on the rolloos. Yeah, he said, Joel. Reyes to me my pelucas, cabron. Wow, incredible. Kela, Kela. Kela.

Kela. Kela. Kela. Kela. Kela. Kela, Kela. I had her set up. You are.

Unbelievable. What can I say? You are quite the modern day artist. Gratzy, signore. My famote to share to know you, ragas. I'm a don't know how much. I'm doing it. Yo, I had her set up. I had her set up for today, but for 8 o'clock. Ah, yeah, we had to change things around real quick. But it's all good. We're glad to see you. Who's that holding the bottle next to you there? What do you got there? It's all good in most hoods, right? Yeah, I guess so. That's it. Oh.

That's what so. Wow. It's the same girl, huh? No. No. It's a different one. Wow. This one's a professional.

Look at that. Geez, Louise. Are you still in Tijuana? Still, baby. Just for Killed Tony's show. Just for you, my friend. My goodness. Living the dream down there.

Where did you find that transgender girl? By the way, that's what Joel would look like if he was a girl. I thought I was looking into. a mirror. By the way, I will never give you your wigs back. Those are mine. Of course, of course. Yo, she had

flavored toilet paper. I've never seen that before in my life. Flavored toilet paper. What was the flavor? Horchata? The flavor was shit. Yeah, of course. Of course. We need to get her a tushy

for sure. Tony jealous as hell about that flavor toilet. It's like a fruit roll-up, you know? Like a fruit rollo. You didn't smell it or taste it or anything? Of course not. I was tempted. I felt like her confused.

I felt like, sir. I felt like sir. Confused. Sir with a Z. I felt confused because she looked kind of hard, right? But I didn't know if I wanted to fuck her that much. You know? Well, what your dick tastes like.

There you go. Like a frouloaf. Like a frouloaf. Incredible. She definitely had a deep. deeper voice than I do. That was impressive. I'm still trying to understand flavor toilet paper.

I know. What's that for? How does your ass taste something? No, I think that's she can wipe it and then you could eat it. Like she's a dirty girl. Oh, okay. That's kind of like a David Lucas roast, right? Like Tony seems like the type of dude that has toy flavored toilet paper.

It's not like that, right? That is true. That sounds like a Tony invention. Yeah, it is true. I actually Yeah, I actually Sometimes we'll put Mustard on my toilet paper

I'll unroll it I'll put some mustard down it And then I roll it back up again Why don't you just put it on the penis Exactly That's something that goes down here in T.J. You put some mustard And some coke

And it gives you a long way Well it depends right Only Tony's ass got taste buds That's true There you go That's what we're getting that Tony's toilet paper is, Hinch me, I'm shitting.

I love it. So Manolo, anything else crazy happening down there in Tijuana during all this? Are there any race wars down there? No, not really. Honestly, Mexicans don't give a fuck, to be honest with you. They don't really give a fuck, man. Honestly.

And still, to this day, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but they'll see a black guy, which I'm in love with a black culture. personally you know I'm in love with a white culture to start off with right but they'll they'll see a black eye go all the Negro the Negro they'll do just like that straight up yeah absolutely you know is that a negative is that a negative word there or no it's like a like they call me that way because I'm brown I'm browner than the average bear so they call me that they call me you know right

you guys have bears walking around yeah of course and the and where I got that where I got that T.S. from, they got a lot of bears walking around. Wow. So seriously, what did you do with that girl? Did you make out or anything? I felt like Juan Norton, like the Mexican Juan Norton. You know, you can call me that for now on. Looking for T.S. everywhere.

Is that Ed Norton's brother or something? Jim Norton, Juan Norton. You can call me Juan Norton? Yeah. There you go. All right. Okay. Fuck yeah.

Manolo. Wouldn't Jim Norton be Hyman Norton? Martin. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Back to you in the studio. This just in. Another Mexican man has been reality checked by another Mexican man. How do you out Mexican, a guy currently in Tijuana? Like this. All right. That's enough. That's enough. I'm gonna bring him a reaction next time. I'm telling you right now. I'm gonna bring him fucking Norteño next time. I love it. I'm waiting for my... I'm worried Tony and I gotta tell you this.

I'm a little bit worried because when you guys start making the in-house shows like in the comedy store, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it because I went to the doctor because I was feeling a little bit ill. The doctor told me I was very sick, very fucking sick, right? He told me, oh, dude, you're sick, right? Fucking your grandma ain't sane, ain't healthy.

No? No? Okay. Bang. You ain't got the, no? This just in, that was totally worth it. All right. Well, what's up with the curfier? Do you pay these hookers to laugh at your jokes? Yeah, he came for everything, you know?

I mean sex workers. I'm sorry, I take that back. They'll even do that. How he said, I pay him to go away, right? He has to pay him a lot of money to laugh at his jokes. That's like, that's like the highest. 10 pesos. Highest charge.

Here's a little plug. Like the, the, what is it, the bidet? The tushy thing? I've been using this. I mean, I have been actually using this. That's why I went to the doctor and And uh, because I told it's a what do you call this wipe? What? Oh, okay Because my ass hurt like hell. Yeah, why'd you go to the doctor for real? Did you really? No, my ass heard like a lot. I don't know if it was because of these things my ass hurt and I told him doctor what's wrong with me and my ass hurts like hell is that you got Alzheimer's band what he thinks. Uh, He is trying to milk this joke that didn't go well.

And he's trying to push our sponsor into the mix to make it seem nice because those things clogged toilets. That is true. And you can unclog your toilet by going to hellotushi.com slash kiltoning getting 10% off your $79 bidet. You can brush your teeth with. Yep, for sure. Manolo, thank you so much. You got the party started tonight with another new minute with a transgender prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, like only you can, Manolo.

We appreciate you. Thank you so much, and we'll see you again soon. Thank you, Manolo. Give me any homework, sir. I'm here for you guys. The great Gino just walked into the room from Speedweed, from Betterbox, from Go Girl.

He's got Go Girl in his hand. We love Gino. Which reminds me again, buy a candle. Damn Goodco.com. Our next comedian, phoning in, goes by the name of Paul W.

So here's a minute from Paul. here we go W. He got you? COVID-19. Huh. Co-ed-19. Horny teens,

pussy anal gang-bang dorm sex. Oh, oops. Looks like I selected LimeWire instead of Google. I used to shoot a lot of video. I got to see a lot of the world shooting video.

I've been to New York, Iceland, Mexico. Right, Joel? Right? Hey, Joel. How are we get Joel? Hey, buddy.

Hi, Joel. Hi, Joe. What are you doing? What are you doing, Joel? Are you playing? Fuck, Mexico. All right? In fact, I've been to Mexico three times.

Three times, and all I took away from those visits. Okay? I guess that's my time. Wow. Incredible performance. You got the whole room cracking up. The production booth. everybody's laughing in here. I thought that was a live video of me, by the way. I'm like,

why are they showing me right now? We all did. Another incredible part of that is that when I went to write down what you were talking about, I was taking the note COVID and it switched over to an over-the-top shot of me taking a note. Very impressive, dude. Clearly you are a studier of the show. Big time, man. I'm so nervous right now. Well, you shouldn't be. You should be in full celebration. mode because you just paid it forward and made us all laugh extremely hard. Perhaps one of the hardest laughs that we've had during these quarantine episodes. You took everything that people that have been doing right and you did it right. You made a little bit of a production out of it.

Except for fucking with me. Look at that guy. Look at Joel in the background there. That picture will never not be funny. Is it still my background? Yeah. Shout out Sophia Thyssen. Shout out Sophia Thyssen.

Yes. Forever. You know, obviously her heart. Joel, I fucking love you, dude. I only behaved you that way because you looked so pathetic in that form. Okay, I fucking love you, dude. Huge fan. I love the first episode of Mostly Sorry.

Fucking loved it, okay? That's right. There you go. Hey, good. We're about to have to have a dick off right now. Whoa. It sounds like he is mostly sorry. So Paul, where are you?

I'm in a Taskadero, California. California. Do you know where San Luis Obispo is? Yep. It's about 20 minutes out. Oh, cool. You ever been to Osaka Joe's sushi in San Luis Obispo? I actually have not.

No, I don't spend too much time in San Luis, actually. The guy used to run a sushi joint there, and he would do comedy shows, and he would pay, basically at the time, he would pay openers and features from Los Angeles to come up in headline. and it was a lot of fun. A lot of crazy nights there and beautiful San Luis Obispo we all had back in the day. At a sushi restaurant. Yep. He would feed us.

Unbelievable sushi. Maybe it was nine or ten years ago because I remember not getting to eat sushi a lot back then, yeah? Plus a nine, ten years ago, yeah. Yeah. And I mean, fucking amazing. We would get wasted afterwards and it was, you know, the shows were basically halfway pointless. He was basically, he had extra money and he would pay to have comedians come up to basically entertain him in front of his restaurant at 20, 30 people who had no idea that

comedians were even performing there that night. And we'd stand in the corner and try our best and then eat like kings and drink like kings for the rest. I remember that's the only time I've ever, at one point, I believe we were dancing with guns at one point at the end of that night. Me and whoever I went up there with, it was like me, Benji, some of the other people. It was a lot of fun. Who's guns were there? The guy's guns.

It was like this. It's hard to describe. It was just some of those wild nights back in the day. He would heckle you as well. Yeah. I don't remember that. I think he was taking advantage of you. Yeah, he was just heckling you.

It was the whole lineup that was going on that evening. Sometimes he would drink a little bit more than other times. What do you do for work, Paul? Well, I used to do video. And then I, I, stopped doing that and I'm currently just working as a clean-up guy at a restaurant chain which I won't name because they're kind of bitches and they'll probably fire me so there you go absolutely just call them bitches and they won't not fire you fucking Applebee's huh I tell you what

there's been a guy part of what's been so crazy about working there is there's a guy named Tony who you know he's a little more strict and so when I talk to people about kill Tony. They're like, hey, I didn't hear anything. I'm like, hey, guys, I'm not talking about killing Tony. It's a show. I swear. And now there's rumors that there might be some drama going on, so I'm hoping I didn't cause that by using the words kill Tony so often it work. But we'll see. Very interesting. What are your plans with the with the Joel cut out after this? What are you going to do? Because that is basically, I don't know if you know this, but printing that is the same thing that happens if the Babaduke book arrives at your front doorstep. Like that will cause an

actual haunting of your place if you keep it around too long. I tell you what, it's brought nothing but good luck and cheer so far. It's also scared all of the bird off of his premises. That's right. We're starting to garden, baby. Look at it. Wow. That just never gets old.

Where does that picture come from? Somebody drew a very serious pitcher of Joel Berg. Because that looked like Freddie Krueger with good skin. Yeah. That's what Joel actually looks like that. You do, look, that. I love it. A quick note on that video.

Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Have you ever done comedy on a stage? Never, but that's all I think about. So I would like to try at some point whenever we can again. Yeah, for sure. How far are you from Sunnyvale? Hmm. I don't know.

That's farther. That's farther north. Are there places? places in Obispo? There's like, I think, coffee shops and stuff. I haven't tried it yet because, I don't know. I just haven't tried it yet. I wanted the first time to be on Kiltoni, so I guess technically this is it.

But it's different than a live format, you know, which is why I made the video because it's hard to translate standing in front of a webcam and trying to do comedy. So I tried to switch it up. Oh, you did it. Tell that to Manolo. Hey, I didn't get to see it. I only got to hear it. It was all messed up.

It's very professional performance, Paul. And I love your shirt. That's a very, very Jeremiah Watkins-esque shirt. It's a very good boy shirt. Jeremiah, you have one like that. Am I correct? Yes, there is a good boy line available at jeremiahwockens.com. Good boy.

I'm a good boy. My mommy loves me. Available at Jeremiah Watkins.com. Heck yeah, heck yeah. I'll take it. Oh, that's definitely I know both of my parents type of shirt. Do you know, are you close with both of your parents? I don't know.

I previously would have said yes. But I guess if you're going along the Jeremiah theme, I've recently gone through quite a bit of an existential crisis with religion, and this is partly why I made the video because I felt sort of the freedom to do so. Wow. Tell us a little bit more about your break from religion here. In a shocking turn of events, this man turns back on the Lord. That's right.

Let's hear it for losing hope, baby. Let's hear it for losing faith. So what happened? What happened exactly? Your parents are like, let's go to church, even though the coronavirus is happening. And you're like, are you guys losing your mind? Like, what happened? No, I was raised in a religious household.

And it was just kind of like heavy stuff and stuff I was always pretty resistant to. But I fully believed it. I drank the Kool-Aid at least half of it. Yeah, you spilled some on that shirt. Yeah, I'm only in the sleeves. But, yeah, I just kind of realized I was afraid to admit that I wasn't into it anymore. And it's hard to get out. scary. But once I did and had that conversation with my parents, I was like, holy shit,

let's make a Kill Tony video. You know, I feel like I can do it now and be myself. I love it. I mean, I love it. This is just proof that, you know, once you say goodbye to one Lord, come over to kill Tony and you, I will welcome you with open arms, my friend, you know? It's just like the Lord. Oh, beautiful. There's always nothing more like the Lord than Tony Hinchcliffe. where there was one set of footprints. It's because I carried you, Paul. I don't think you could do that. Thank you.

Very strong. This is a big deal, Paul. You guys are, you guys are the shit. It's like my favorite show of all time. I tell everyone about it. I love that, Paul. You were absolutely hilarious. Your fandom of the show absolutely showed through.

Again, making us laugh during these. wild times is quite the accomplishment and not easy to do. David, you have anything else for Paul? You're showing this guy some mercy? That shit was dope, bro. You know what I'm saying? Thank you.

And I went through the same shit. You went through a religion, bro. My family tried not to mess with me when I told them that I no longer identified as a Christian. Would you guys have any tips you can give to Jeremiah so I can finally get over it? You just got your parents got to know that you're serious when you do that shit. Don't be straddling the fence. Just do that shit and still come around.

He's so ready to play that sacks. I would love to pick your brain about that. Yeah. You, hit me on IG, Doc, Pete Holmes. Yeah,

dude, I would love to talk to you too. Okay. Hit me on IG, yeah. There he goes. I will. Thank you so much.

Paul W. everybody. Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul. This is that time. As you people see, the one,

the only William Montgomery is here. Here's William. Montgomery. Oh, what Jesus think? It's the earth that has a Jesus. There he is, William Montgomery. Hello, William. How's it going?

I'm actually a Jesus freak. No, I'm kidding. This is about to be, I am, but this is about to be probably my best set. I'm proud, I'm proud to announce I'm joining the Mighty Morphan Power Bottoms.

Paul Walker, more like Paul Crasher, I heard the reason Paul Walker crashed was because the director forgot to say gut. So I've got a La La Land joke. What's red, white, and blue. It's Emma Stone's body at the bottom of a pool. So I guess the question is, what happens to George Floyd's counterfeit money? You think he left it in the will?

I'm not fucking with it. Seriously, what happens to his money? I'm a George Floyd fan. I was at Neiman Marcus earlier looting televisions, you name it. I'm a George Floyd guy. I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. It's filled with black people. I like black people.

I just say, I mean, what happens to his counterfeit money? What happens to his counterfeit money? I don't know. Who set up the will? William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. I mean, here's what I'm going to say is that, you know, 75% of the way through that set, I'm thinking of myself, wow, a Paul Walker joke from 11 years ago being used like it happened last week. Like it's controversial or something like that.

Meanwhile, what it did was is it completely set me up to think that, well, it's not going to, you know, he's not going to get better than that. Right. And then, boom. George Floyd. It was the ultimate misdirect because it set us up for a super topical. That's why I'm looting and pillaging. I'll be quite frank. I'm not black.

You can tell from the color of my skin. I'm not black, but I'm going to pillage. I'm going to pillage for that guy. David, what do you think about that, aren't you cool about that? What have you been pillaging exactly? Liquor store.

Literally, I was in a hymn Marcus earlier. I was in a Neiman Marcus earlier. I got some sandals. How many pairs of sandals? Like four size four. So I don't know if any, I can drop my eBay account after this or whatever. Pull the phone back a little bit. You got a haircut, huh?

Let's see it. Oh, wow. He's like a grown-ass opi from Andy Grissel. Somehow you continue to look more and more like the principal from Billy Madison as time goes on. I caramba. I guess so. I guess so, William. So how do you like your new haircut?

It's been cool. It's helped me swim. Yeah. Can you put your chin down a bit? Can we see what the top looks like? You're a little bit shy about that? Then as a bitch. What did you just say, David?

Then you need some more pine straw on your head. Hold on wait. I need some more pine straw. Show us the lawn behind you for a second. Go back to the lawn again. Put it over your head. Show us the lawn behind you. Yeah, we never get to see what it looks like out there.

You got a bike stack. You're not showing us the lawn. Look at that poster. Yep, we see the poster. Show us the lawn. How do you get over here? Hold the phone up. It's interesting.

It looks exactly like, uh... Forget it. I can't do the joke because you're not showing me the lawn properly for some weird reason. Uh, how big is that? fucking picture of you behind you guys like two two feet by three feet wow I didn't upset the the grandparents that you're you're mooching off of for the last two months stop stop stop stop stop I mean I'm sure they don't like to see a naked picture of their their nieces boyfriend that won't leave their house for three

Is that what it does? Whatever she is. Are you wearing dentures? You have great teeth, William. I never really noticed it before. But now that... That's awesome. Now that you're starting to randomly cut your hair and your eyebrows off,

I'm starting to notice other features about you that I've never noticed before. You must have a tushy. Yeah. It's the same water you brush your teeth with. William, have you been working at the storage place at all during this? I'm starting again tomorrow. So, yeah, starting again tomorrow. Yeah, what time tomorrow?

9.30. Uh-huh. PM. What have you been eating and drinking? Tell us a bit about your diet. What's been going on with your nutrition lately? A lot of tomato soup, a lot of, a lot of the drink. You pour in 2% milk, I think it's called.

What is it called? It's not a Nestle, not a, it has vitamins and minerals. Is it? Oval team? I'm going to tell you this. Your brother in cursive here, David Lucas is in studio as a guest, and he's looking better than ever. All this marching is really paying off. Hey, Will, I told you to tell people that your job, you don't feel comfortable.

What did you say? I told you to tell those people at the stories place you don't feel comfortable and get an unemployment. Can you say that a little bit slower? I can't understand you. I'll text it to you, bro. Wow. William, anything else? Anything else crazy this week?

Yeah, I actually became a member of. of the subreddit for crocodiles. People get at the circus or fair or whatever, and I flushed one down the toilet a couple nights ago, and I'm worried in the sewer system out here in Recito, there's a super crocodile food down in the suits. Okay. Well, William, we're going to get going,

and we're going to let you sober up before you have to be at work tomorrow at 9.30 p.m. There he is, William Montgomery, everybody. Right along, you guys keep playing. Your next comedian goes by the name of Nick Davis, everyone. Here we go. Nick Davis, here he is. Hey, good to be here. If you're wondering why I'm naked, I'm using this content from my only fans.

I don't have an only fans, really, but I do subscribe to a few. Only for the butthole pick so I can diagnose hemorrhoids. I put it in the comments. The girls he could all make. mad. I'd like to call it hemorrhoid rage. I had a life-changing experience recently. I took acid, reflux medication, and it's really nice to wake up without hiccups. I am trying to get over my fear of needles by doing heroin, and I got to say, it's fentanyl, it's cracked up to be. My family's pretty white trash, if you couldn't tell. My family's so white trash that my family tree is split

because my uncle hit it when he got a second DUI. Everyone's trying to make an extra buck recently. I'm no different. That's why I started a stick and poke henna tattoo business. It's just an extra fine Sharpie. Hey! Yo! Are I coming through?

What's up? Hello, Nick Davis. How are you? I'm doing good. How are you guys? How are you? Good, good. Absolutely great.

Fuck, yeah. Seen a lot of frightening stuff this week. Nothing quite as... Hey, it's my birthday, man. It was my birthday yesterday. I'm hanging out on my birthday suit, you know? I love it. I love it.

Dude, I mean, you look at it. Come on, man. All right. Sit down, sit on, sit down. Sorry, that you much. I'm sorry. What did you say, David? Mark the steward body.

He does. It's a frightening body. How old are you, Nick? Uh, just turned 26. 26 years old. And where are you at? What part of New York? I'm in Wisconsin.

Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, I was on the show in Milwaukee. Oh, okay. Famous Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Lots of helicopters and police cars going by right now. I think we got the protesters outside. Very exciting.

Check my car. Very exciting stuff. Nick, have there been any protests around where you are? Yeah, I was. I'm in one yesterday and on Sunday as well. And I'm in Kenotia, Wisconsin, just south of the city. Okay. Is that anywhere near Manitowoc?

No, about two miles or two hours drive south or so. You ever go there? You ever go to Manit to walk? Driven through it. Never a reason to stay, you know. It's really a show in two episodes in a row. My love for murder shows, making a murder about Stephen Avery is all about manna to walk.

And I'm such a fan of that program and the follow-up programs to it that I've honestly so pretty much wanted to go there. I would love to go on a little secret adventure through that junkyard and dig around a bit. You guys fans of that show at all? Big fan. You get too much interaction, yeah. Is it? I imagine it has to be. It's a good investment opportunity.

I think right now it's a good time to diversify. You know, I think you can do it. Yeah. I've been looking for a junkyard in Manit to walk, so that might be the one that I go for. Speaking of junkyard, how do you get a body like that? What is your nutritional? What do you mostly eat? I just asked William this, but I'm interested to find out exactly what it takes to be able to get a full layered.

Like, it looks like you have a bulletproof vest on under your skin. Mainly, like a lot of beer. I could quit drinking like three weeks ago, and I've lost 10 pounds already. So this is the best I've looked in a while, unfortunately. A lot of this, poor diet and beer. This is a beer gut through and through my... I have, like, a Hank Hill ass and a beer gut. That's, like, kind of the life I live.

Wow. I've heard of Milwaukee's best. You might be Milwaukee's worst. Dude, I'm proud of that title. I'll own that with pride, dude. I got the scum stash and everything. God damn right. He is literally built like a nirangatang.

It's quite the... I wear a 40 long, too, man. You're not wrong. I was wondering how long were you sitting there naked before the interview started. Oh, dude, it's been like 40 minutes. I've had to pee for like half of it. I got my dick in a goddamn birthday hat, you know? Like, this is...

Absolutely. Hopefully you've been using your Tushy from hellotushy.com because if not, that couch must have a little bit of a smell to it. But you can cover right out of a couch to do it, die. It didn't already, you know. Yeah, absolutely. What do you do for work, Nick? I'm a bartender. Oh, cool. How long have you been doing that for?

About two years bartending serving before that. I've been out of work for the last two and a half months, though, or so. I just actually got a new job offer from a place today, though. So things are looking pretty good. What's the new job going to be? It's a bartending as well. I was working at a place about 30 minutes away. This one's closer to town.

It's a little bigger following, so maybe a little safer money and things like that. So good opportunity. Sweet. What's your love life like? You hook up with a lot of chicks with the body like that? Or just... Not currently, no. I killed in the hack game.

Headware, accessory game, killing it. But other than that, not really. Yeah, the quarantine, I'm like, I've been following it for the most part as much as I can and protests were kind of the only thing I went out for. I had to take a COVID test because of an outbreak in, like, a family member's workplace. So I've been holding steady just hanging out.

So I haven't even been trying. so yeah single and you know putting my dick and hats I love it man I love it any other crazy fun facts about you you have any special skills or talents or anything nothing too good enough the talents I can juggle a little bit that's not that crazy sort of podcast recently not gonna plug it because who cares I'm uncircumcised oh wow I thought that was a birthday hat you had over there it turns out

your butt naked. Oh, yeah. It's more meat. That's the slogan. I don't know if that's really what you would consider the meat. This just in.

It is. I don't really think that's how it works. More smell. Like it's just like saying, oh, this chicken had extra meat, but it's just skin. Like a pile of skin next to the chicken breast. If you shot regularly work, man,

it's not a problem to be uncircumcised. As long as you clean your shit, you're good. That's right. You can clean your shit at Hello 2. Tushy.com. I love it. I love it, Nick. Well,

happy birthday to you, my friend. Congratulations on getting on the show. Yeah. Happy old birthday to you. Absolutely. It's coming up on Monday. Yeah,

Gem-N-Roy's, man. Rock and roll. There he goes. Nick Davis, everybody. And your next comedian goes by the name of Chris Trot. Trotta. Chris Trata.

Here's Chris Trotta. All right, I'm going to get straight to the shit. My dad's retarded when it comes to his cell phone. So, Like this one time he was trying to show me a video on his phone and he treated the video like it was an ugly girl on Tinder and accidentally swip right in the picture that he swiped to was my dad mirror selfie fully naked half a chob like dude was just standing there like this So immediately he locks his phone and goes ah, you know I'll show you another time No fuck you won't like you're never showing me nothing on your phone ever again and before I repressed this memory

we're going to talk about why I just saw the balls that produced me on your phone screen. But what the fuck? And he makes a situation worse by telling me, you know, it was just something I sent your mother. Like, I'm fully convinced that the only reason I'm not in therapy from this situation is because my dick was bigger. But, like, honestly, I started walking around the house differently. I would be like, nah, you clean my room, Shrampi.

I might be the biggest disappointment to mom in this house, but at least I'm not the smallest. Trotto, welcome to the show, sir. How are you? Doing good. How about you guys? Good, good, good, good, good. This just in Tony, his dad has a small dick. Is that true?

Is that part true? That's a true story, yeah. So it was a picture of his flaccid penis, or was it a boner? It was like half a chub. It was half a chub. Did it look familiar? Like, I was wondering if you, like, look at your dad's dick if it's like,

I see, I see the resemblance, you know, like, I grew up in a pretty normal household, so that didn't happen. He's like, no, this looks more like my mom. Very interesting. And the balls were small, too? Small balls? I really didn't look at it that hard. You know, I kind of looked away as quick as I could. You looked at it not that hard, meaning like half chub?

Yeah, exactly, like half chub hard, for sure. I love that. Fun times. You have a good, you have a better side. sun tan than you did when you recorded that set. Oh yeah, I've been fishing pretty much every single day, so I've been getting a lot of sun since quarantine started. That's great. Where are you at?

I'm from New York, but I currently live in Florida trying to get my master's degree. Hell yeah. What are you getting your master's in? Business. It's like marketing. Awesome. Fuck yeah. Where out in Florida are you?

Babson Park. It's like an hour south of Orlando. though. Oh, okay. That sounds lovely. Sounds like a great place. What type of fishing do you do? You go, what are you in a creek, a river, the ocean? Yeah, just like a river from largemouth bass. Sweet. Catching any peacock bass down there? No, I think that's only in like Brazil, right? No, peacock bass are in Florida, bro. Really? Not all on the. When you say peacock like that, my booty hole tightens up. That's all excited. Umbrella booty

Peacock bass all through Florida bro We need a kill ton of fishing That would be great Like I want to go fishing so bad Yeah I'm with that shit I'm a good fishing man

Oh shit The Kiltonsony fishing trip We'll take red band's canoe It'll be good Let's go Yeah we'll use my roller blades in there Did you get your electric bicycle yet? No because all this shit

It was supposed to come this week Oh my God I guess next week Oh I cannot wait to see you I can't wait either. It's going to be good for you. Get you out of that apartment. I sit outside all day.

Yeah. I now have a, whatever that thing is called. Hammock. Hammock. Yeah. That shit's gone. Put the ham and a hammock.

I just picture you're lying on the couch with your headset. It's your virtual hammock. Virtual hammock? With a band on me? Everything he does is virtual. I've been sitting. outside every day. It's just him inside

with the helmet. I played virtual reality laser tag the other day and it was set up like the old school laser tag that's cheating in the chest and stuff. Fog machine. It sounds like fun. All the reason you got a hammock because you thought it was a sandwich. Why would I think a hammock

is a sandwich? I'll have a large hammock. Pull the mustard. That do sound like a sandwich, though. Oh, my God. So he thought a hamlet was also? I'll have a ham omelet, a hamlet, please.

Wow. That was funny, man. No, it was not. It makes no sense. It was funny, though. A hammock? A hammock. It's all like a spicy ham sandwich.

Yeah. A ham. I'll take a 12-inch hammock on a... Oh, my God. So Chris Trotta, tell us something else interesting about you. How long have you been a young magician? A magician? Yeah, you have young magician energies.

Oh, no. Definitely not a magician. You seem like the kind of magician that would have a hot assistant that's taller than you. I'm definitely short. Most of my assistants have been taller than me. What do you consider short? Five, eight. I don't think 5.8 is short.

I'm not short. I've been told by a lot of girls that they didn't want to date me. I was too short. I don't think that. 5.8 is actually average height. For all Jesus-like figures. I don't know what's been happening lately. I think the definition of short has been changing tremendously.

I would think 5-8 is about average. I think 5-8. I got 5-8 at completely average. I'm going to come back and I'm going to ride your roller coaster, God damn it. Well, you put a few hammocks, and I'll be back here. Yeah, you're shorter than both of us.

I'm 5-7, but I'm not saying it ain't short. I don't think 5-7 is short, though. I think 5-7, you start to get short. Yeah, that's about winning. I think 5-8 would be considered average, and I think 5-9 is tall as hell. 5-9 is average. 5-9 is average for men in America, it says.

5-9? There you go. Okay. So you're good, bro? Absolutely. Put some boots on. A little better? Put some boots on.

More boots, less booty holes. What do you like to do for fun, Chris? Any fun hobbies or anything like that? Other than fishing? I came to college for bowling. I go to the number one bowling school in America. Whoa. What's the best game you've ever had?

300. Wow. No shit. Wow, that's a lot of turkeys, Brian just thought. That is the best. Definitely a white school where they don't want white people to feel inferior to black people. That they got to have bowling. Spare me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay in your lane. I love it. I love it. David, is bowling a white person thing? I'll bowl, but I'm also... Yeah. You're a little bit different. You put the bowl in bowling.

Hey, man, shit's so stupid ass up. Why would he put the bowl in bowling? Because he puts food in the bowl. He's fat. It's a fat joke. That's a stretch. You got an ump a little. A wig on.

You can shut your ass. You got a fucking Kenan and Kel wig on. Get the fuck out of here. Rocket Power head. Oh, shit. Talking about Rocket Power. You look like

fucking Tito from Rocket Power. Your hair looked like... Your hair looked like you just got off a motorcycle. Your hair looks like you fucking work at a store that sells the motorcycle. Okay.

That's enough of that. That's enough of that. Dom. We'll be wet back after these messages. That's our word. I love it. So fun times, Chris.

Is there anything else we should know about you before we let you go? Oh, 300. I'm still thinking. Really? Been doing stand-up about three months before quarantine hits. I can't wait to get back and doing that. Yeah. It must be a weird place to do that.

The other places around you, open mics or something? I usually have to drive to Orlando or Tampa for anything. So I'm about like an hour out. So I'll just drive out there, spend the night. Do a set, maybe try and find another set. Let's check in live on the scene with Chet Lightning. Yeah, Tony. Honest question for you here.

What did you do when you hit 300 and how many times have you hit 300? Like what kind of reaction did that elicit? Honest question. I got really excited the first time because it was in like, I was in high school and it was during like a high school match. So it was like really, really cool. And the second time it was just kind of like less. it wasn't as fun because it was just in practice. Right.

So what is your average? That is incredible that you don't even get that excited at 300s anymore. Yeah. So like bowling is weird because in college you bowl on what's called like a sports shot. So if I have to put it into different terms, it's kind of like the strike zone and baseball. So when you're bowling just like regular like in practice, you bowl on a house shot and it's a big strike zone. But when you bowl on a sport shot, you have to hit like a smaller. area in order to basically strike.

So on sports shot, I'm probably around. Welcome back to facts no one gives the fuck about. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We definitely welcome back to facts. Only white people and David care about. Wow. Put your tape on. There you go. Put your tape back on. Tate time. I will not be silenced.

It's tape time. You guys said turn off his mic. All right. Thank you very much. We got to keep a moving. Trada. Thank you so much. Very fun times. Thank you. Great stuff. And up next, ladies and gentlemen, this is a young stranger that goes by the name of Nick Redonia. Here's Nick

Redonia. Here's Nick Redonia. Volume check. Volume check. Volume check. Volume. Gage, can we get the volume up now? I used to masturbate a whole bunch. Then I had to stop because I kept getting tennis elbow.

But it was never in the arm that was jerking off. It was always the one that was flipping the burgers. People think I'm a hipster just because I have all the kids' bop albums on vinyl. I think I know who really did 9-11. It was the fashion police. If 9-11 never happened, the New York City skyline would still look so 90s. I'll end on a quick impression. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Yeah, I'm going to need like 13 waters. That was basic bitch Jesus. Thanks, guys. There he is. Nick Redone. Okay. Hell yeah.

Nick, it was good. I'm telling you. It's a tough world out there for everybody. Paul W. I mean, I got a, I'll yell a gauge for a second at that. Paul W's performance was so good. and so well edited that it's really burying pretty much everybody. You got to put that at the end.

Yeah, you got to put these people a little bit later. Yeah. I love it. Manolo and Paul W. really got a kickstart. But that was good. That was good, Nick. We did have to turn the volume up right before you on Chris Trotta.

I actually did the thing that you did the act out of. So you're pretty dialed in there. Oh, that's great. But, yeah, it was. Feels good to bomb for you guys. It's good. It's good to have Louis J. Grossmez on the show. Let's check in with Chet Lightning.

Yeah, I was just curious how long you lived inside of a shooting range. What is that place? You throw axes for fun? I'm in my parents' unfinished basement. Wow. Yeah? I miss basements. Those are the greatest.

Yeah, you're the type. You're the type that would love a basement. Yeah, I mean, storage. It's always cool. Like in the summer you can go down there and it's nice and chilly. Do all the people that you do VR with talk a lot about the basements in there? Virtual basements with Redband later on his YouTube channel. How long have you been in your parents' basement?

Your whole life, Mr. Redonia? No, just been here since the start of quarantine. and I live in New York City normally. Oh, okay. And where's your parents' basement? Upstate? We're in rural Pennsylvania. Oh, okay.

I know we know a little bit about rural Pennsylvania. That's one of the only states that I will ask, specifically right around where in rural Pennsylvania are you? We're right near Allentown. Oh, okay. Bessemer? I don't know what Bessemer is. We're close to Allentown.

Allentown. and we're between Allentown and Redding. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're in the... Is that by any chance on the way from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh? Because I remember a trip I took one time without the guys at a separate car. Jill, you will... Philadelphia to Pittsburgh.

You should have heard this guy all the, all episode the last week. He kept referencing this joke that only four of us know about and will ever find funny. And there's so many things I want to say right now, but I can't. Right. I know. Literally, we can't respond to it. Are you near Lancaster? I remember passing Lancaster.

Fun fact, Joel has no idea what the difference between an inside joke and a regular joke is. He has no awareness. I can appreciate that. I'm wearing the tape. Yeah. I hear they're finding a lot of winged dinosaurs in the red rocks in between Philadelphia and his crew. And then if you call them out on anything, he just talks blibber blabber. He gets uncomfortable.

Anyway, we're going to go back here to Nick Redonia. I'll drop, let go with the mic. Let go with the mic. Snap away. Oh, he is? Oh, that's cool. I just got word, Mr. Redonia, that you are a high level of valedictorian on my new roastmaster class. Yeah, I just signed up for it.

I'm excited to see what happens there. We have a lot of fun stuff happening. We're doing a live crowd stream tomorrow. I hope that you're there. That's exciting. Do you find yourself having to make fun of people a lot? What? Wait, what? Why did Joel make that face just now?

I don't know. Go ahead, Joel. Tell him why you made a face. I didn't see him because I'm hosting the show. I seem to have lost my voice. Okay, dokey. I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know why he made a face. He's a little bit loopy right now. We just called him out on doing inside jokes on the show, and now he's self-destructing. I'm sorry. No, it's okay.

Do you ever make fun of people? Do you have to make fun of people? You ever make fun of your parents or anything like that? Yeah, I like making fun of people. And I've been trying the stand-up thing before quarantine started. I was just getting into it. So that would be good to, you know, see what you had to teach. And that was in New York City?

Yeah, in New York. Yeah, what type of places did you go? Where did you perform at? Well, right before quarantine started, I just had my first couple bringer shows at Dangerfields. But other than that, it was just open mics. That's great, man. That's exactly what you got to do. You don't even have to do the bringer shows.

Screw that shit. Just keep doing mics over and over and over and over and over and over and over again until you absolutely are doing something else. It's that simple. Definitely. David Lucas, do you have any words of advice? for this young rising comedian? Yeah, bro, stay away from the bringer shows. It takes away the value from live comedy.

Just keep, like you said, keep hitting open mics, bro. That's what I did until you get that chance to go do a showcase at a real club. Just make sure what I always tell comments when they ask me something. Make sure when you go to these big-name clubs that you're ready for the time that they're going to give you. Don't go if you're six months in. Make sure you got a tight-ass set. make sure you got another tight-ass set to follow that set with if they ask you to come back. Yeah.

Absolutely. Yeah, I want my ass to be super tight. That's right. That's right. Especially, you know, nowadays where there's a lot of bachelors out there. Everybody needs to have a tight ass. No one wants a loose ass. I thought you paid money for...

Never mind. For what? For a loose ass. For ass tightening? Do you guys like loose ass? Why are you asking me? Yes. We're going to take a quick poll here.

Do you get guys like tight or loose assesses with Brian Redman. That was the part that I noticed. It's literally like so much plural on that. Assises. Assises to asseses, dust to dust. It's interesting because like if it's a girl, you don't want a loose pussy. You want a tight pussy. Why would they want a loose ass, Ryan?

Because it might be easier. It might hurt if you're fucking a guy in the ass. if it's too tight? It might be too dry. So if it's nice and loose and like worn out, why would it be wetter if it's looser? Well, because, no, I mean, you could spit and stuff in it, but like if we're live here on the scene with biology major,

Brian Redband. Dr. Redband again asking whether gay guys, I don't understand why they would prefer. Because it's straight or gay. I don't think that changes the texture of the thing you like to put your dick into. They care about the person, Red Van, who the man is on the inside. I'm talking about dirty butt sex.

I'm not talking about love butt. It's like a fleshlight. Who loosens up their fleshlight? Who runs it through a fucking, who runs a baseball bat through their fleshlight before? Why did I just get an image of Brian Redband eating a roll of toilet paper that's flavor? Okay.

All right. Anyway, Nick Redonia, any other fun facts we should know about you before moving on? I was on one of the New York audio-only shows with my brother, and he was in a drum off. He was kind of hoping to say hello to Joel real quick. Oh, cool. Is he there? I remember this. Yeah, he's here.

Oh, okay. I think I sort of remember you guys. Which New York show? Gramercy Theater. Was it the one where I beat him or the one where I beat him? What's up? That's right. Which show at Gramercy were you a drummer on?

Was that Big J. O'Kerson, Shane Gillis? No, Mark Maron. Mark Maron wasn't on in New York City. You mean Gilbert Godfrey? Mark Norman. Oh, Mark Norman. Mark Norman. Oh, what I said?

Mark Maron. You compared him. You compared my brother to Mark Maron or something like that. But yeah, it was Markman. That's right. It's all making sense to me now. Heck, yeah. Did you, how do you feel now months after your performance against Joel Berg,

Joel Jimenez. Have you perhaps been practicing more or have you completely given up on the drums? Yeah, I've been practicing, yeah, every day. Joel, this would be a good opportunity for you to speak, unlike the last 12 things that you said. You DM'd me recently, right? Ooh. Yeah, yeah. I'll get those loaded up the next time and read these private messages. This man has been sending me. Oh. Let's just say we're going to need some flavored toilet paper.

Whoa. Let's just say we're going to need some loose assises up in here. I kicked his assesis. I have no more questions to asses any of you. Congratulations on the ranch. SSS the situation next time. To the Redonia boys out there in Pennsylvania, thank you very much for joining us.

And I hope to see you guys again soon. Thank you to you and your brother Nick Redonia. Yep. With no further hesitation, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you. The diamond in the rough. The one, the only, the stone cold assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, my pride and joy, the man I love more than perhaps any of my own family members or friends. The one the only.

Michael Lairor, everybody, is here. Live. Hi, Michael. My eyes is so. time. Man. Hey, guys. It's so good to see you.

Absolutely. Hey, David. What up, fool? Thank you. Hey. I just had dinner. How dinner was it? I just had dinner.

Yeah. What you have for dinner? Hamic and cheese. Fuck you guys. You all, you are like, and I turned to you. I was marching all day. Obviously in my wheelchair.

in my wheelchair, but at a different march, because I'm tired of guys who are 5A being cold short. I'm five-A standing up, imagine how short I am now. All right. No, I'm sorry. You know, even with everything that's going on, Hollywood won't stop pounding down my door. So I've had my doctors inject me with anphetamines

so I can write 24-7. And I'd like to share with you today with help from Jesse, Tony, and Brian, my latest script. Oh, this is great. I didn't even know we were going to read a script today. This is very exciting. Yeah, it's my latest. Now let me introduce it.

On September 11th, 2001, America suffered his first corona, but with planes and big, buildings. And one little known fact is that Marky Mark Warburg was supposed to be on one of those doomed flights. I reimagined that awful day if Marky Mark was there and saved America. This is great vibrations. The Marky Mark Nondon, Black Mirror, Speck Odyssey. Yeah. All right, Tony will be reading the part of Mark Wahlberg. Brian will be reading the part of Walberg's travel companion, Turtle from Entourage.

Any dialogues in italics are lyrics from Mark Wahlberg's seminal hit, Good Vibrations, and should be delivered, like Mark Wahlberg, wrap them in the song, Good Vibrations. We open on an airplane. Seated inside are Mark Wahlberg and Turtle from entourage. Yo, Marky, what do you want to drink from the stewardess? Sunkiss. Dope. Yo, that's not a stewardess. That's a 9-11 hijacker.

Stopping, Markey. Save America. Walberg approaches the hijacker. Come on, swing it. Come on, swing it. Come on, swing it. Yo, Markey, you smashed that terrorist, but who's going to land this plane? Me. You can land a passenger airplane? I can finger Reese with a spoon on a roller coaster in the movie fear and I can land a passenger airplane. True that. But we're not landing yet. We're going to find Osama bin Laden, the bad dude who planned all this.

How do you know that? After Boogie Nights, I went full Illuminati. That's dope as fuck. Markey and Turtle fly to Afghanistan, Zero Dark 30. They land at Bin Laden's headquarters and quickly discovered that Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of 9-11, is Markey's brother. Donnie Walberg. Brian is no longer Turtle from Entourage.

Brian is now Donnie Wahlberg. Hey, why would you do this to America, Donnie? I haven't been the same since new kids broke up. You need help, bro. But America and the world will eventually forgive you because Blue Bloods is going to be such a bomb-ass show. The end. True dad. We learned a few things here.

I like that. That was so much fun. You're a genius, Michael. You guys nailed it. I don't know how to do a Mark Wahlberg impression. And I don't know, I don't know how the rap to great vibrations goes. But, you know what? Great vibrations.

Good vibrations. Oh, good vibrations. Oh. Yeah. The movie is great vibrations. I only know the good vibrations from the Beach Boys. That's my... Yeah, there's a better one that Marky Martin.

I'm giving out good vibrations. I'm a good... Guys. Come on, swing it. Come on, swing it. Can we get a moment. silence now? Black lives matter.

Oh, come on. What is that? Is that Trump? David, I can't believe you don't know that white person's song. What song is? Beach Boys. Good vibrations from the beach boys. I know the good vibrations. Oh, yeah. That's, that's...

Not it. No way you does not know that song. You are right. That is a different. version of that song for sure. Hey, I know there's a lot going on, but and I call attention to my favorite charity. Do I have your attention?

Yes, you have our attention, Michael. The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund. The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund. What is that? My. What is that mean, what is that mean. What is the L and Genres wildlife fun? It explains itself.

Like, what else you want to know? Like, Alan DeGeneres has a wildlife fun. Oh, yeah, yeah. What's the mystery? Right, so that's funny because it's like the whitest thing anybody could give to, right? Not everything is. I think you in the back of it. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Swing it's spam. I can sing some of them out. Submibrill. Lives matter. Come on, come on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, now I remember it. Yeah.

I need to prove it, mark and money. I'm in to do with you. Oh, yeah. Well, Michael, another amazing, amazing performance. You really surprised us. I had no idea you were sending in a script. I love it how some things you'll give us a little bit of a warning for, some things you'll surprise us with.

You are such a great judge of a, of everything comedic. You even bring out the best and silliest in all of us, and you did it again this week. Great job, man. You're absolutely unbelievable. And for such a great performance, I'm going to donate 100,000 of my own dollars

to the Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund. Thank you. You're welcome. White people priorities. Absolutely. All right? Absolutely. One hundred percent.

Thank you, Jesse. Thank you. The great Michael Lair, everybody. There we go. Thank you, Michael. Man, with all of my cold black heart, your next comedian goes by the name of Black Dust. Here, for the first time, it's a Black Dust.

Oh, hey there. I was just reading. I'm Black Dust. And I consider myself undefeated in fist fights. And that's not because I've won every fist fight. That's because the only person who's ever beat me up is now dead as fuck. It only took me eight years. Surprise, yes, that was a death match.

I'm sorry you didn't know. Now while I technically didn't kill him, pneumonia did, I believe in God because he answered my prayers that day. Speaking of God, my neighbors have smeared a lot of red mud on their door in hopes that coronavirus will pass over them. Barbara, you stupid bitch, lamb's blood does not equal red mud. you might think that crystal meth equals the cure for retardation, but it don't.

You're fucked. You know what? I didn't understand a single joke, but with all this stuff going, with all this stuff going on in the world, I'm going to say that was my favorite set of the night. Like punching, but you were only using your feet. Yeah, you have, you are the worst hair I ever seen on the black guy. You can't even see it. Yeah, he's trying to pull up. He's trying to pull a William Montgomery and crop it out right now.

That motherfucker got a push broom on his head. It is impressive. I can tell you date a white girl, bro. No, she's Mexican and Native American. But close, you know? Yeah. It is an impressive. Yeah, it is an impressive haircut.

This is what it would look like if Beavis was on BET. I love it, man. So where are you? at Black Dust. We're in Oklahoma City. Oh, shit. That's a crazy place to be right now, huh? I've been on a lot of home.

Yeah. Oh, you raised in this guy? Yeah. My beers, yeah. Heck, yeah. You got the same beard as you at the top of your head. Carpet matches the curtains. Yeah.

I love it. What do you do for work in Oklahoma City? I actually just landed a job at a fast, I mean, a fine dining restaurant is kind of a change from what I'm used to. Oh, wow. What are you doing in fine dining? Well, I'm working my way up to chef, but for now I'm on the cold side. I'm like a stew chef right now in training. Oh, cool. Where are you working at, Roofs, Chris? Longhorn. It's fine.

It's called Fight My Son. I guess it means homemade in French. But I say if you want to fight my son, you have to fight me too. Oh, hell yeah. Are those your knives that you got in a lot? Yeah. Here's a katana right here. Oh, sick. You cook with those?

And yeah, I do cook with these. I usually cook with long tubes here because it's plastic so I can clean it easily. Fuck yeah. Not thought it would be slicing sushi. Also, I've written Michael Ware on Twitter with these. Oh, sweet. Absolutely. Are nunchucks illegal because I was told, like, somebody sent me a pair, and then, like, somebody's like, you better hide those.

You're not allowed to happen. Was that with you guys or with Rogan where I saw? Yeah, it was, right? And what was going on at that time? I feel like there was some. I think we were flying from Vancouver here. This girl taught nunchuckery, and she had her training chucks with her. And they took them away from her.

And she was, like, surprised that TSA took her nun chucks. She was like, this happens. I know why they're stopping. me it's because I got none chucks that happened to me last week or whatever so weird very bizarre well in oklahoma i'm not really sure i know that you can carry a cane sword in oklahoma now that's basically my only option one of the places you could just walk down the street with your guns well i can't but right absolutely and that's where you were born and raised oklahoma city A little while out of Oklahoma City, but we're here now.

I've been informed that you have a boxing reel and a music video. Are those the same thing? Is it one video or two separate things? That's what's the music. That music is trash. Is it trash? Well, let's watch it. If the music video is trash, let's check out some of your trash music.

You can watch me get knocked down too. I get knocked down pretty good. Yeah, watch this one. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Black Dust Presents. Come on, man. Chokelahoma.

Oh, you got Joel in this? This is my hometown. Man, I hope that is not my car alarm going off right now. I know. Around my neck, no rope. It feels like I'm choking on. I made it back. There's no one of my mattress.

Don't be broken. Am I the chosen one shit? I barely notice. Oh, don't fall in. Like you keep on tape. Bring the fucking bell. Bring this fucking jail. I hate this fucking hell.

Well, I made it. Back to where I started. Where the heart is. And you're welcome. Parts of Scarlet. I'm here. You kept that in. Joking in to the back of some shit.

He never paid for. And where are you? Now that's the worthy token. Bottom of the ocean. Feelers sorry for his own shit. Fix me. I'm gonna fix us. Wake up.

Wow. Yeah. No, it's true. This is pretty bad. Take another with. Hold up. Oh, wow. I mean, it's funny that you left you falling in.

Like, you're not taking this serious, obviously, because you left. We're being informed that. Give us the report. Just tell us. It's okay. The march, the protests. How about in the back? Is everything clear?

Okay, well, that's fine. That song I made after I got out of jail. I was like in a really weird spot then. right but when we leave we'll just go sell okay oh geez if we leave yeah we might be we'll be fun we'll be fun our feeling surrounded by protesters I thought I sent gino ninja shit which is my like my favorite one uh that one was like a song I made after I got out of jail and I was just feeling all kind of weird ways and stuff did you go to jail for done chuck no possession of marijuana actually they just revoked

my probation I did 90 days My goodness. How much marijuana did you have on you? Hey, Graham. It wasn't mine either. I was just like arguing about marijuana. Fucking crazy. How long was you in jail? Three months? Is that what you said? Yeah. You were in a jail for three months for a gram of marijuana? Honest question. Do you think a white person would have done the same time for the same amount? It's funny because I did meet a guy in there who was there for two months and he just had a weed jar. But mine was like they revoked my probation from something that happened when I was 18

And that was my first defense too, so I'm still like I'm getting fucked here I only gotten one fight in jail by the way Oh yeah explain to us how that how did that go down exactly your one fight I'm always interesting Yeah I was known as like a fun guy who you could wrestle with and I just like to have fun This guy came up behind me and got me in a rear naked choke Yep. So I turned into it and I get out of it and we go to the ground. I put him in an arm bar and I'm like, hey, just tap out.

It all be over. Hey, we just having fun, right? He's like, no, I'm not going to tap out. I was like, e, I'm not going to let go. And he's like, let go on me, you fucking nigger. So I got to let go of him. I'm like, let's do this right now. And he was being a pussy.

He goes back to his cell. I go back to the kitchen. I'm working. Everybody knows about it. So when I finally go back to the pod, my cousin actually goes. actually goes and gets him out of his though because he's like pretending to sleep. And yeah, we go into this though. I threw this outrageous punch that went like in the air and just missed totally.

And I don't know, that's kind of my move. I'm like unimposing. And then I anticipate the return attack and I duck in and I grabbed him. I slammed him. I was like, boop, bu. I let him up. Hit him one more time. And I let him.

And then they were all like, yay, there is you did it. You defended your honor. you can watch Stephen Colbert tonight. It was great. I love that. That's how white people award each other by winning fights too. If you win your right, you get to watch Stephen Colbert. Oh, God, let's go.

It's funny because in the pod before this one that I moved out of, I'd gone to, I don't know if you know, it's like kangaroo court, where the races hold everybody, is by your race, you're held accountable. So it's like the first time they took me. to court, I wouldn't take a shower because I was really depressed. And I was like when I first got there. So they were like, hey, nigga, you stank. Go take a shower. So I did that. The second time, I was like shadow boxing and like I had my hands wrapped and I was like kind of hitting the wall just trying to stay. Do my thing. They're like, hey, you're making us look bad.

Cut it out. And the third time, I just tried to, I saw some guy getting like jumped by seven people and I was like, hey, what's going on? And they took me in the cell. They're like, that's white people. Shit, don't fuck with them. Hey, okay. I've come close. I've come close. a few times. That's wild. My goodness. Life's crazy. So you can tell him not me.

You spend time in jail. You might know the answer to this. Do rapists like looser assesses or tighter assesses? You like a looser one so your friend can put his in that same time. That's right. Oh, there you go. Beating you can both go to town on Jeremiah. There it is.

I don't know. I don't know if you and I could fit at the same time just based on. Just based on angling around the rest of your body. We could twist it like a pretzel. Black Dust, so much fun. Fun times hanging out with you. Thank you so much. Black Dust, everybody.

The first time Black Dust has been on this show. We'll see again soon, pal. There he is. Your final comedian of the night, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, famous from Roast Battle at the Comedy Store. Here is Los D digits. Here he is.

Lose digits. A lot of weird shit is happening during the quarantine. People are protesting to be set free from their homes. Prisoners are rioting to get out of their court-appointed homes. I mean, the outside is pretty much turning in a jail. I remember when fools in jail would fight for the toilet paper. We would call that shit the pillow. But now the fools on the outside are fighting over the toilet paper like they were on the inside.

I don't get it. Is it the same as jail? Are you guys using the toilet paper to make shanks? What the fuck is going on? Is the one with the most toilet paper the outside leader? I don't get it. People are acting like this was just for real. I mean, just the other day I went to Walmart. And I seen a Mexican guy almost get stabbed. It's because he was hanging out with the whites, Tony. But it's just weird shit happening.

Mexico's now considering buying a wall so Americans won't cross over. Boy how the walls have turned. I mean, Trump is trying to kill. off the population because he heard if he kills off everybody, you'd be the smartest man in the damn world. Fuck yeah. There he is. Los D digits, one of my favorite roast battlers in all of Los Angeles, hanging out with both

what appears to be a statue of a dog and a statue of a white man at the same time. Oh, the white man just moved. What's up, D digits? How are you, my man? What's up? I like to say, first of all, to the police commission panel, I yield my time. Absolutely. No. How you're doing, dude?

He's looking sharp in that, too. What's up, Joe? I absolutely love this guy. I don't know what it is about him. You guys are both Latino. Oh, that must be it. Love the Cholo's hat. Love the jacket.

Love the graffiti in the other background. Yeah, I love it. I love it. You definitely graffitied your own, what appear to be bedroom there. Whose house have you broken into that you're filming at now? This guy right here, I'm holding him hostage, but it's like the person. I own him now. I love it.

How about the dog? What's the story with that dog back there? RCA dog. No, that was free to go whenever you want. Now, Digits is a little bit. an absolute legend in Rose Battle. It's no secret that he is, you know, they have their own culture over there at Rose Battle.

Tuesday nights at the comedy store has always been complete chaos and so much fun. We have Mondays and they have Tuesdays. And Digits is famous for an extremely unorthodox style of being very serious, much like you see right now, and moving around a lot. It's very hard to describe. What have you been doing to let out some of those roast energies that you're famous for on Tuesdays now that we've all been quarantined? I know it made me, Lupey, the first month or two. How are you holding it together?

Well, see, Tony, here's a difference between me and you, Tony. I've done jail time. And this is no big deal. I mean, I've done it once or twice before. And you see what happened in my room? I painted the shit out the walls. That's what happening, Tony. I'm not going crazy, Tony.

I'm getting more artistic by the minute. So. God, I love that, man. I'm not going crazy. I'm just getting more artistic by the minute. That is beautiful. You are, you know. I've been hanging out on, I've been hanging out on mugshots.com, dog, and roasting everybody on there.

It's like fucking 50. It's like 10,000 motherfuckings on there by stage. I'm not even joking. I love that. David Lucas is a roast god as well. Have you guys ever come across each other on the streets or in battle or anything? No, I never. Just seen him at the comedy.

Yeah. Have you seen him at the comedy, man? Yeah. I've seen him live on Killin'honey, too. Yeah. Have you ever seen him roast battle someone? No. It's a sight to see.

A whole different type of... I think David Lucas on that school thing, the roast thing. That's pretty bad. That's all that digital, yeah. That's right. That's right. Roast me. Roast me.

There you go. I like that. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. What's the story with that white guy behind you? Is he ever move? That's like a young weekend at Bernice.

It's like the opposite of William Boyd memories guy. I don't need another bear, but he'll move after. I love it, D digits. What did you go to jail for? Hey. Damn, that's nice. You guys are a unit over here. These are like if the Sclar brothers had bad parents.

The Scar brothers. What did you go to? to jail for. We just had another young man on before you that got caught with a grandma pot and had to do three months. So would you like to talk about why they put you in jail or is that off limits? I went to jail for breaking in a white people's houses and holding them hostage. But that was years ago. I don't do that no more. Hell yeah. No, I love that. Absolutely not. We're not telling on you. For sure.

That's nice to hear you for me. Hell yeah. I'm no rat. I'm not a snitch. I went to the first time I went for graffiti, man. And then the second time I did it for beating up a couple security cards. Oh, okay. All right. There's record. Fuck yeah, man. Well, we got to get you on one of these shows back at the comedy store when business gets booming again.

He's doing roast battle here on Friday. Is that true? Yeah, I'm doing, um, here and there every once in a while. And I'm doing the international battles. Roads 2, a roast battles. I'm doing the Tokyo 1 of the 26, so keep an eye out for that. I'm doing all the other ones, Australia, England, trying to get New Zealand. Fuck yeah.

And I mean, it's incredible how great of a roaster you are. And the fact that, you know, clearly you're trying to even get better because a fun fact is that Digits was actually the first human being that signed up, the second that we We went live at midnight on Sunday with Roastmaster class. The first name that dropped in was Loose Digits. I was waiting, man. I love that, dude. And for sure, you're going to end up, it's always weird saying learning,

but you're going to end up finding out some crazy stuff and tactics and exercises and muscles to be grown. We just saw some video of you roasting. Is it hard roasting without an audience here at Betterbox? It's different, but it's not hard. I mean, I think it's kind of easier because if you eat shit, you don't know it until you're own. Digits, I love you, man. I love your style. Everybody in that room has to laugh anyway.

Yeah. Or else it's going to be a bad day. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, thank you so much for joining us on Kill Tony. You can find him at Los D digits everywhere on social media. He's a badass motherfucker. We absolutely love you. Great performance here today.

There was a lot of tough acts to follow on before you, and you were hilarious. Shout out to the innocent victim who had his house broken into behind you. Shout out to the dog, and we'll talk to you guys soon. Fuck yeah. Hey, let's check in with Ryan J. Ebelt real quick with tonight's drawing. He had to draw it from home tonight because we had to switch stuff around. Wow, that's badass.

Oh, my God. Long distance, powerful kill Tony drawing for this very, very, chaotic episode. I absolutely love the fire and the chaos going on in this. Very fitting for these times. Very cool. With a paparazzi-esque camera down there, as in the newscasting, I do believe, is being covered with that. And Ryan Jay, anything else I'm missing about it? This mic's messed up. Ryan Jay, can you hear me? Yeah, we're having audio. Audio troubles with Ryan Jay. It's another demented, haunted. RyanJeebilt.com. Everything's on. on sale right now, Kill Tony.

You got the Kill Tony book. You got every print that he draws every episode. You can get posters and all that stuff there. For sure. And don't forget, you can submit your own minute to this show. Kill Tony Quarantine at gmail.com. And a lot of other fun stuff happening. Of course, you have Brian on VR.

You have my new roastmaster class on Patreon, Jeremiah. Venmo at Jeremiah dash Watkins. Thank you much so much for joining us here tonight on the show. And Todd Glass is the guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week. One of my favorites in the entire world. So you're definitely going to watch that on YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. There you go. Jeremiah wonders.

And the great Jetsky Johnson was here. She's on social media at Jetsky Johnson. Anything else, Jesse? So good to be here with you guys. And during this chaotic time and you guys watching at home and take care of each other. Absolutely. Believe it or not, this was Joel Bergberg, Joel Jimenez all night long. Joel, you're mostly sorry on social media.

You have the brand new podcast, Mostly Sorry, which I got to catch some of and absolutely loved it. Thanks. Yeah. Anything else? What else? No, a new episode coming soon. I love you guys.

Stay safe out there. Happy to bring some joy for a little bit. The great David Lucas was with us. I've talked about it every episode, but he's hilarious on Instagram. He roast people late at night. David Lucas funny. Anything else, David? We probably won't have a Brothers in Curseve this week due to us having to move stuff out of the studio

and board it up due to the riots. So check us out next week. Love it. Love Brothers in Cursef. And I love Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. I caught the episode with Michael Lairor. Let me tell you something. I mean, and you know, it might not be the same for you listeners

that don't know Brian Holtzman quite as well as we do. You know him from a couple episodes of this show and maybe Dead Air. But man, did I love watching those two going back and forth. Oh, my God. It was like fucking Godzilla. and King Kong because, like, I don't think there were times where it wasn't connecting,

but it still was hilarious. Either way, it was hilarious the entire time. That was awesome. Everything Michael Lair, of course, Michael Lair, Comedy.com. And, yeah, what else? Thanks a lot, guys. Be safe. Yes.

Goodbye.