KILL TONY - KILL TONY #458 – QUARANTINED #13

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/08/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Coltony. Check our website, F-Squod.com. Check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. We have a gang fest that you stand in Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18. And then, Tacoma, Washington, go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony. He has some posters.

And he has a huge sale going on. And last time, also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to Shop Squad. And now here's a brand new episode of... Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from Better Box Studios for another episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hitchcliffe.

And here's Brian Redband. Happy birthday, birthday, boy. Thank you. It's a beautiful day. Beautiful June 8th. Happy birthday to Kanye West as well. Me and Kanye. What were we doing last year?

I remember we were somewhere on the road. Oh, I'm always on the road for my birthday, except for this one. And we were in... Oh, we were in Omaha, Nebraska. That's right. We had some of the best pizza. That night.

And it was an early show. We were outside with the sun out on the big strip there in Omaha. That was a fun night. We had a fun night. Yeah, that's great. But it's good to be home, beautiful Los Angeles, California. Here at Betterbox Studios, which has been unbelievably gracious to us. The great Gino of Speedweed Enterprises has taken us under his wing and let us coop up here during the entire quarantine.

and we love Betterbox. They're helping us out big time. And they have a candle company, the damn good candle company. A lot of people are buying the new Hinchmi I'm Dreaming candle, the eucalyptus spa-like scent, which I love. You like eucalyptus? I sure do.

That's my stuff, man. I have this stuff called, what's it, Osage rub? Am I saying that right, Ryan? Osage? Osage? Yeah, that sounds better. But it's the stuff like the barber uses. They put it on like the towel that they, whatever.

I just bought it straight from my barber. Like, I'm going to buy some of that. So I do. I'll run a hot shower, squirt some of that in there. But now I don't even have to do that because I have the new Hinch Me I'm Dreaming Candle. You can get it at damn goodco.com. Do you have your own candle like right on your table?

Everywhere. I have boxes. They're stacked. I burn it. My place looks like a goddamn sacrifice is happening. I have so many Hinch Me I'm Dreaming Candles. You would think I'm going to. sacrifice a baby.

Ryan J.E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode. Speaking of big hairy babies, the great Ryan J.E. Belt joining us. Very exciting stuff. And we're going on the road soon. At the end of July, we're going to Miami, the 31st of July and August 1st. There's Kill Tonys on the 31st. And a lot of these are stand-up shows, too, and Kill Tonys. Like Boston, August 13th.

Houston, August 20th, Dallas, the 27th of August, Fort Worth, 28th and 29th, Salt Lake City, 9-11, Moon Tower, September 17th, Toronto, the 29th of September, and Bakersfield, Sacramento and San Francisco, Kiltoney Mania Week, October 13th through the 18th. And D.C., we're going back to in November. I just realized this is the first year in like three years that I'm not going to be spinning my birthday in Indiana. Oh, yeah? When's your birthday again? fourth. Remember it's always when you're at that festival?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fort Worth. Never again. Or Fort Worth. Fun stuff happening. You know, wherever we go, no matter where in the country, you know, one of my favorite things is getting through security at the airport easily. And I do that super easily with my Ridge wallet. They make it everything concise. It's everything's in one little sleek thing. You stab this big chunky wallet. Sometimes I, I'd forget that it's there, or sometimes it's just obnoxious and stuff falls out of it. But the Ridge Wallet, everything stays all together, and it's super awesome. The entire Kill Tony crew uses the Ridge Wallet.

I have a sleek titanium one. Yeah, they're really nice. They came to one of our shows. Remember when we gave away $1,000? It's also great because it really makes you, like, go through your wallet and go, how much unnecessary stuff do I have in my wallet? And it's, you know, it's really thin. It has these two metal plates.

It has like an elastic band around it. It's real great. I now keep my wallet in my front pocket and I'm not sitting on my wallet. If you're sitting down all the time or you're like taking like road trips or you have a long, you know, car ride to work, you're sitting on that wallet. It kills your back. It hurts your back. And you could really do some damage.

So I love the Ridge wallet. I will never go back to a normal wallet, I don't think. Neither will I. And you're going to love it too. There's a lifetime warranty. So it'll always be there for you. And free returns if you don't like it. That's how much they guarantee that you're going to love the Ridge.

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Yeah. It's mind-boggling. It's just, I love it. It's so refreshing. It's one of my new favorite things during this. The heat's picking up here in L.A. And I poured over a nice glass of ice. It is delicious.

Hey, you know what you could do, people? If you listen to Kill Tony on different things, why don't you check us out over on Spotify? Make sure you subscribe to us over there because a lot of fun things are happening over there nowadays. And a lot of people are getting Spotify premium. And they're looking at who's coming. over from where so check out kill tony subscribe there and while i'm pitching you subscribing to things

head over to youtube we are almost at 100 000 subscribers even if you don't even have a youtube account like me like i don't even i don't even log in oh man yeah i watch more youtube than anything now like any tv shows i spend probably two hours on youtube shows every week i found this one where it's just people that go underwater and dive and look for treasures they found like these cars they take the cars out of the water, found a body in there. And it's like, found out it was this kid that was driving home drunk once and they've been looking for him for years. It's so interesting.

You ever watch Jim Can't Swem? No, what's that? That's a crime show that I was introduced to by the great Gage Tiarrina, in which, uh, they show you the, um, interrogations of people and they break them down. It's all about criminal psychology. And, uh, it's really fucking awesome. It shows you exactly how they trick people into giving up information, even though they could walk away at any point. Even if they already asked for their attorney, there's ways to do that.

And there's things that they use. And even on the stand and court cases, it's like forensic files, but it's like a forensic files is pro wrestling. Jim can't swim is UFC. It's like real and serious and intense. Very exciting. You can submit to Kill Tony. You can, this is it. I mean, we're coming down this straightaway now.

My guess is we're going to be back at the Comedy Store soon. So if you're global and you can't make it to L.A., this is some of your last chances to submit to the show. Kill Tony Quarantine at Gmail.com. Make sure you keep an eye on your email because you can get a response. And if you don't respond quickly, they're just going to skip over you because there's so many people submitting. So Kill Tony Quarantine.

at gmail.com get on some of these final episodes. All right. So there we go. You guys ready to start this thing? Okay. Exciting. That's right. I forgot. There's no... I still... I was like waiting for it too. And I was like, even after months. I was at least expecting somebody

to be like, yeah, or something. Oh, yeah, David Lucas. Yeah. So let's start with that. We have a guest tonight, just like we did last week, a very special guest. One of the regulars from the show, one of the great roasters. of all time and kill Tony history. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas, joining us.

What's up, y'all? What's up, man? Hi, David. Good to have you back again. Hey, man. I appreciate you all for having me, bro. I get to get some time away. I love it. We're going to have some fun tonight. We're going to meet some people from around the world. And there's also a band on the show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters.

We never know what they're going to be. It's always exciting to find out. They stay in character throughout every episode. And let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jolberg, Joel Jimenez, and Jetsky, Jesse Johnson.

Dad's at a barbecue. Dad's at a barbecue. Dad's at a barbecue. Their dad's at a barbecue. Oh my God, Dad's at a barbecue? I never would have known if it wasn't for that song. Hello, guys. How are you? Guys and girl?

Our guys. That is a man, Tony. Oh, wow. Hello. That's my friend of 30 years. That's a man. Do you see that lake here? It's coming in dick.

That's right. Wow. I just realized how many Jays there are in all your guys' names. I should have realized this months ago. Joel Bergberg, Joel Jimenez is three Jays. Jetsky Jesse Johnson is three Jays. And Jeremiah Jibroni. Chewy Jibroni Jemini Jemini is here.

I just want to say. Happy birthday, Tony. Hey, thank you. What's your name, Dad at a Barbecue? My name is Dwayne Wilcox, Tony. Dwayne? Dwayne. Dwayne, interesting name.

Dwayne. Interesting name. You seem like the kind of guy that would call the police on a guy named Dway. I got my phone right here. Oh, there you go. And what's your name, Mr. Harry Legs over there? Oh, you could call me Gary. Okay.

That's my name. And I don't know about you guys, but I could eat. I bet you can, Gary. And what's your name there? Look at you at the thick stash. Hey, the name's Phil Dempsey, but you can call me chef. He's always got the best jokes. I almost spit on my beer.

That's so funny. We got the chef Phil Dempsey, Dwayne Wilcox, and Gary. So let's just jump right into the show. Everything's in place. Ryan J. David Lucas, the whole band. We got Charlie from Vito's Pizza here, keeping us filled up. Best Pizza in L.A. Vito's Pizza. Locations all around Southern California.

So check it. You guys see that fucking, we talk about this last week, the goddamn fast food thing that came out that said were each state's favorite. What the, they're trolling everybody, right? They have to be trolling because the place that's Ohio. Melties. Melty's. Yeah, what's Melty's? I don't know.

I never even heard of that. And they said Denny's, the one, California. No one goes to Denny's in California. In fury. I love Denny's. I go there all the time. I'm pretty sure that's like a CIA. Yeah.

Like, it's an experiment to see. There was something else like, it was like Boston, where they had something like Boston. market. And it's like, no, it would be obviously Dunkin' Donuts. It's on every single corner. All right. Let's jump into the show. Your first submission, who knows where it's coming from.

These are, these are, these are, these have been fun in a way episodes. These quarantine episodes. Um, they are definitely different than having hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that want to be there on a Monday at 8 p.m. Excited to the gills, full energy out. Uh, but here we are. You know what I mean? nine ultra-talented egos all slammed into a 30-by-30-foot room.

And let's see what happens here. We're going to get it started with Jesse Curtis, everyone. Here we go. Here's Jesse Curtis. I'm Jesse. Damn glad to meet you. Let's jump right into the first guest, one, Miss Piggy. What is it like being the Trina of the Muppets?

Excuse me. That's right, because you're the baddest bitch. Oh, shit. I hear a bad bitch right now. Now, is that Issa Ray dropping bars in the mirror? Broken Pussy. Speaking of broke pussy, that leads us right on into welcoming Peggy Bundy. Cool.

So, we're going to hop on over to the after party in the afterlife. Holy hell, is that Bill Shakespeare over there? I can't see real good. Oh, now it looks like Farley and Gilda. it's always something. If it ain't one thing, it's another. Amen. We're going to end this up with a POTUS party phone call.

China. That's all folks. Go on get. Fuck yeah. Jesse Curtis. Absolutely. Hi, Jesse. How are you?

Goodness gracious. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. Indeed. Good to see you. Where are you calling in from? Virginia Beach, Virginia. Ooh, Virginia Beach.

Heck, yeah. That's a very, that's a very white place, right? It's popping. I mean, we got things on. You said it like you were angry about that. She said, eh, like, no matter how many black people are there, it's too many. What's that? How dare you?

No, I mean, I think we got a good, like, melting pot. here. I love that. She likes black guys, Tony. She made that Trina reference. Oh, that is true. She did have a Trina reference. And she has a lot of Black guys favorite white girl, Miss Piggy, in the background. What do you do, Jesse?

What do you do for work? Fox News Analyst, Press Secretary for the White House. What is it? Live, that's just in. I worked in e-commerce for, I went to school for fashion, but ended up in e-commerce for 10 years. And I'm a big fan. I know you're going to be like, what's interesting about you?

It's a cool fact. The first four years in e-commerce, I ran two web stores for Push-A-T's brand plate clothes and then T-I's brand a coup. So, and I think that you had Push-A-T on one of your things for your... What did you do exactly for Push-A-Tee? I ran the web store So I mean 10 years ago Ecommerce isn't what it is now

So it's in the very beginning of everything But I'd interned for the companies before And then kind of just fell into it Wow did you get to talk to push a T directly at all I mean I've met him several times Oh cool Like him and Jarrell Is put on a big music festival last year here

And it got canceled This year obviously with everything that's going on but he was really cool. I met T.I. A couple of times. Any of these guys try to bang you? Nobody tried to bang me now. No.

Push-a-T saw you and he was like, Ew. Yeah. I'm really helpful. That made 1% of the kill-tony audience laugh. My push-a-tee. I'm honestly really into the rap. Did Dad's at a barbecue get it at all?

I almost called the cops in the reference. Did you get into e-commerce after you left the devil's rejects or? Hey, you do look like Cheryl Moon Zombie. That's a compliment. Thank you. Indeed. You single, Jesse? I have a boyfriend.

Oh, okay. Did he paint that yellow beautiful piece of artwork above your? Yeah. Of course, Brian thinks the yellow artwork is beautiful. That was drawn by art. Is he black or white? Is he black and white? I want to know.

He's white. Are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here. Do you think she's hooking up with a black guy? Yeah, she said Trita. I thought she loved it. She's a police badge on her shirt. Yeah.

I don't know. I can't do the right side. She doesn't. So now I work for a tactical company. And I went to the shot show in Las Vegas this year. This year is the last time I traveled. And a woman cop from y'all's area gave me this from just shooting the shit with her. And she just gave me it.

It was cut off of a shirt. Wow. So it was kind of cool. That was east of Vine Street, right? You stayed around the Silver Lake area, Los Feliz? No, a shot show is in Vegas. Oh. All right.

I lost track of that story. What is up with the yellow piece of art on the wall? Why is it just yellow? Is that an R. Kelly original? straight piss on it um it looks like a texture to it but you have to get like an angle because i did there's an x and different patterns on it and different textures but you can't see it right so you draw you draw that's all your art behind you yes all the ladies yeah i love that i'm a big fan of gilda radner crazy wild wild stories that one i can't remember where i saw that good gilda documentary

But man, she used to... It was on Hulu. Yeah, I think it is Hulu, actually. I almost said that. But so few great things are on Hulu. I didn't want to get it wrong. Yeah, that's one of the things. That's one of Hulu's three or four amazing things.

I love Hulu. And by the way, you can use coupon code kill Tony. Is that true? I forget what it was. Hulu never sponsored us. Yeah, for sure. I would remember that. For sure.

Hello? Yeah, I'll be there to pick you up a soccer practice real quick. All right. See you later. I love that guy. He kills me. All right, Daddy's calm down. Whoa, she called me Daddy. Oh, look out. I love it. So what else, Jesse? What else is interesting about you? You ever do stand-up? No, I've never done anything. I did like a really... So in the beginning of you guys doing the quarantine stuff, I like tried to.

do my jokes and I sent it to a friend who's like kind of depressing and then he literally said like don't be depressing and like aren't not well lit and nobody wants to be bummed out and have fun so then that's why I basically just roasted all my own paintings and had fun with it and then that's exactly me is all this so that's great yeah you did you did something absolutely that's it's it's better than yeah absolutely it's yeah I I like it I saw SNL. I did like the whole wait outside on the street or whatever

and saw Emily Blunt and Bruno Mars and I saw like Alex Baldwin doing Trump and it was like goosebumps and everything. Wow. Wow. That's wild. That is wild. You know a little fun fact about Alec Baldwin's Trump that I don't think I ever mentioned on this show. Maybe I did. but I actually worked with Alec Baldwin on a, we'll say a secret project for a private gig.

That's something that I wrote. And this was back in, I think, early 2015 or 2016. And super long story short, I'm the one that suggested to him trying out a Trump impression. And we worked on it together over the phone. and I basically started Alec Baldwin's Trump impression for him. Wow, what was you? I wrote him a whole thing to do in Trump, and this was before he ever did it on SNL.

Fuck yeah. You're welcome, Alec Baldwin. Yeah. You and Alec Baldwin actually have one thing in common, a rude, thoughtless little pig in your living room. All right, Jesse. Great way to start the show. You're a great personality.

I loved your, I loved the creativity that you took in your submission. Thanks for kicking off the show for us tonight. Thank you so much, a big faner. Let me go. There she goes. Jesse Curtis. She's on Instagram. And J. Kurt, 2007, J-C-U-R-T-O-7.

Good programming. And we have yet another submission, and we will just get right to it. Your next comedian. or submission goes by the name of Dean Reed. Here we go. Dean Reed. There's Dean Reed. I'm not a baseball fan, but being bored in the quarantine,

I broke down my sex game like a pitcher with a sports anchor voice. I just love Dean's fuck game. Here's why. Has the overall package, a nice thick, big dick, and has lots of tricks up his sleeve in order to be that premier starter. Now, he may give up early runs by coming too soon on some occasions, but hey, he's over 40, so that's bound to happen on occasions. Still, he will finally settle in and push through seven to nine stiff innings.

This guy has all the tools mixing up his deadly game with finger pop strategies, allow him to get through those tough innings before his dick's heart again, allowing to finish strong and leave these girls satisfied. He could always be used in closing situations if needed. Now, eating pussy is above average, but if I had to choose a weakness, I'd have to say that would be it. Still, a high motor guy, steady foreplay, a real intimidator on the mound with his dirty talk and how he goes deep while slapping and choking out these bitches. Look, I've seen him have women gag on his dick while having them tear up and snot running down their nose.

And they're happy to do it. He's a very exciting player and I love to watch this guy when he's out there performing. Just incredible. There it is. Dean Reed, hello. Dean Reed, hello. You know, Tony Crew, what's going on, man? Everything's good, man.

What's shaking? Your artwork is the opposite of the white girls. You have black art and she has. white and yellow art. It is what it is. Black thighs matter. Definitely, absolutely. That's why we have David Lucas here.

That's the only reason why. This guy looks like me at 42 and 190 pounds. Yeah, that's true. This is your future. This is Lucas David. It's about my background and look like that. I love it, Dean. Where are you calling us in from?

Orlando, Florida. Oh, look at that. Orlando, the home of Disney World. I guess so. How are things in Orlando? Has there been rioting and looting? Honestly, I don't know. I've been hanging out in Palm Coast.

Ever since the quarantine, I was fired for my job, so I'm just out here chilling, man. Where'd you get fired from? I was a supervisor in a call, customer service call center. Oh, okay. Why'd you get fired? They said it was about the numbers, but maybe I was very irresponsible with the things I did at work. Oh, like what? Like, what did you do at work?

I didn't take it as seriously as I should in the later years. Let me just say that. Oh, okay. All right. This guy's my hero. I wish I could be like you. What kind of call center? What kind of call center, David Lucas wants to know?

It is customer service for one of the tolling programs in Florida. Oh, okay. Sun Pass. No comment, bro. I love your commentary for your sexual actions that you do, you in the bedroom. What's your favorite type of girl to hook up with? What does she look like to you? I fuck with the Latino and the black girls

Oh, the Latinos and the Black girls Standing ovation from Chef Phil Dempsey Hello, there's a race riot down here On Sunset Boulevard going on, okay You have a preference between the Latinas And the black women? Honestly, man, I just like fine women So it really doesn't matter

And whatever I could get The good thing is you don't have to choose There's black Latinos Well, where he's going from, they're mostly Puerto Rican, right? So you've got a lot of Cuban, hot-headed ladies. A lot of fights. Dominican, black, white, you got it all in Orlando. As long as they keep a knife in their purse.

One time my wife got really hot-headed, I forgot the Netflix password. Ooh, you do not want to see her around the household. You can't do that. What's the, what's, how many white women do you think you've been with if you had to guess? Two. I'm talking to, uh, Dean. Mean reed. Probably four. Four.

Maybe four. It's been like 15, 20 years since I've been one of them. What's your least favorite thing about white women? I asked you what your favorite was. You said Latina and black women first. What is it about the white women that, uh, how they hide their money at their house? He can't find it. Oh, Jesus.

Only you could make that joke, David Luchess. Be honest, I really don't discriminate. I just, if I had this. choose one nobody and I just don't relate to them okay you said that your dirty talk is good in the bedroom can you give us an example of what some of that dirty talk sounds like you just lose yourself in the moment you won't it well better never let it go before I get on my M&M I do have to say it was just a premise but you know I do like to you know get into their heads be kind of in

the moment you like this dick don't you yes go ahead keep Fuck until you come, all that kind of shit. Wow. Look at that. That's pretty good. He's a thumbs up from Chef Phil. I use the Gatorade slogan sometime. I'm like, is it in you?

I don't know. Dwayne Will Cox. Well, I am from Gainesville and I grew up in the neighborhood with the inventor of Gatorade. So I guess it's in my blood, bro. And my house, my wife actually talks dirty to me. She says, clean up your goddamn ass, Gary. I love it. I love it, man. Yeah, brum brum, brum. Dean, what do you do for fun?

What are some fun facts about Dean Reed? I mean, to be honest with you, man, I'm kind of just boring. I like to talk shit, drink, I fish. I like to observe people and just, I'm kind of in the moment, man. With my actual people that I hang out with, I'm funny, but if I don't know you, I'm kind of like an introverted extroverts. So I'm just one of those people. Have you ever been locked up?

Never. Been in handcuffs before, but I never made it to the jail, girl. On International Drive? Definitely not there. I think he's saying he's a magician. He got out of the cuffs. He escaped. It's great.

I love it. Love me some David Copperfield. What are you doing next Friday? I love to have you at the next barbecue. These cops are wild out there. I will tell you. I got pulled over the other day. I got two warnings.

You get pulled over a lot, I've noticed. It happens. Never been shot once. They tell me that I'm going over the speed limit, and then I question them. This is what we call, this is what a lot of people would call white privilege. Absolutely. I'll say speeding, and they'll go, yeah, speed is what I got you for? I go, what did you get me for?

And they'll go, like, you know, they'll be like 48 and a 35. And I go, you, 40, 48, you got that on a radar? That's what I'll say. And I'll go up with my voice like that? You got that on a race? And like this guy the other day, he was literally like, well, I didn't get you on my radar exactly, but I was pacing you out. I have my own system. I've been doing this a long time.

I go, all right. I trust your system. But 48. Sheesh. I mean, my speedometer here is pretty big. It's a pretty big monitor I got there on my lovely car. But Tony, happy birthday. As long as he didn't put the hands on the back of your trunk and ask where you're going, where you're coming from, and all.

other bullshit, then just take the warnings and use that white privilege. Yeah, you're fucked when they touch your trunk. That's true. I put my hands on my trunk, like I'm doing the macarena like that. When you put your hands on your trunk, your pants end up down, Tony. I don't think Tony heard me. What did you say? What, I said, when you put your hands on your trunk, your pans end up down.

All right. Dildos and looty holes over there. Gay Macarena. Tony blew out of latex cake for his birthday. That's true. I actually did. I had a cake made of latex, and I blew it out.

But when I say blew it, I mean like, you know, yeah, exactly. Red band's got it. The act out. The act out machine, Brian Redband. Dean, so much...

So much fun. Great talk, Dean. Thank you so much for submitting. Fun times, dude. Thanks for your creativity. He just said. I miss that, but I love you, Dean. When I watch it back, just keep playing, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for William Montgomery.

Lights out, William Montgomery, the big red machine. Here he is. Hi, William. How's it going, y'all? I'm pretty juice tonight. Yeah. It's my ringtoneaujuice.com. Um.

Oh, wow. You've been waiting to see if there was a delay or something like that. There's no delay, William. Just keep going. Reaver. Ryan Gosling is married to Eva Mendez, which is almost as surprising as finding out Danny DeVito was married to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Say what you will about Scientologists, but goddamn, can they act best damn actors in all the pyramid scheme religion industry? I'm not joining. I'm a Christian. Boy, I screwed up this time. I wanted to start a go-fund me for the guy that got killed in Minneapolis, but I got the names mixed up. So if you want to donate money to the criminal defense fund, Link is in the bio.

Can I say my last two, Jeff? Anybody want to guess that was too long of a stinger? Anybody want to take a wild? I'm just kidding. I will. It was. Yes, William, you could do your last joke. Oh, yes. Go ahead, William. Hey, Redvan, I bought a book recently called The Bible. Maybe you should look into it. Oh, and my actual last one. It's always funny.

It's funny or the second time. And then finally, why didn't L.A. gear get a bailout? How many more fucking jokes do you have, William? Yeah, and like, you just told me to go look up the Bible. Is that a joke? What do you fucking think it is red band? I think you need to paint some black stripes over you, Garfield. Whoa.

I think you need to start kissing black girls because we all know you have. Whoa. That's true, actually. It is true. You went on camera, man. We've seen you in Anaconda. Wow, you were in Anaconda? I was.

A lot of people didn't know that I was the snake. You were the red-hitted guy that choked on the was in the tank. How was that movie? Red Band, was it fun? We all read it was fun. Jesus, you're wasted tonight, aren't you? William, a lot of people have been talking about perhaps you have begun a drinking problem once again, that you start drinking early in the day, that meanwhile, you know, even though you're still

very talented, you're able to keep it together and do great performances, people are saying that they are concerned for your health. Who's saying that? L. Stein. Your peers, your family, and your doctors are saying that. Richard Pierce? I had sex

with his daughter. Raw dog. Put my penis in her bottom. She had preparation and H-1 or hole. Yeah, I was doing that. I'm a Christian. We're going to check in with Gary. Dwayne Wilcox over here.

Honest question, William. Now, is Is it the lighting right now, or do you have jaundice? Yeah, I was about to say, it's my jaundice. Oh, it's jaundice. I'm starting to get concerned when you say, can I do my last joke? Because I feel like it could be your last joke. Do you want to quit fucking saying that?

Do you want to quit fucking everything, maybe? There's an intervention. Really, and let's check in with the red spot on your chest. Is that doing any better? Is it worse? Let's do our weekly update. Check in with my nephew. He has a joke for y'all.

Yes. Absolutely. Are you going to put the camera on him? What's up? Hello. You ready for the joke? I don't know. Yes.

Okay. Say it faster. You've already messed us up. No. Yes, he has. There was a series of murders involving a picnic basket. So the police had to reopen the basket case. hilarious

hilarious have you all have you ever heard such a thing yeah on Laffy Taffy Laffy Taffy what are you talking about

D4L that's funny is that David Lucas That's a black joke for real Yeah we allowed David David where are you man I'm actually streaming from the bathroom Luckily for that

He has yellow fever Oh. Hey, Will, don't let that motherfucker tell another joke, dog. William, what have you been doing? That motherfucker tell popsicle jokes, Nick. I just made that up earlier today.

It's my fucking nephew. Man, get your broke bill not a science guy looking at somebody here. Okay, hold on. Hold on. Really, William. What have you been doing

to stay healthy as of late during the during this quarantine and riots and what? A lot of bananas, a lot of potassium, a lot of oranges, a lot of vitamin C, a lot of apples, a lot of vitamin A. You're a fru-terian. Cotterian, yes.

That's my uncle, Richard Crutarian. No, not Crutarian. That is a lover of croutons. You are a frutarian, a man. who only eats the fruits. My name is Michael Frutarian. I am happy to meet you all tonight. I greatly apologize for being sort of the first person

you all are going to see at an all-you-can-eat-a-fay but trust me, this place is same. Okay, okay, Michael Frutarian. Are you Armenian? You could say that in the ankles and the people, penis. Okay. All right. All right. I'm probably going to get a text from your parents after this appearance here tonight. Tony, don't say that. Tony, don't say that. No, I won't. I won't say it again. Thank you so much. Are you about to cry? What's going on over there?

You can say that. You got to leave that liquor alone, bro. You're looking like Michael Jordan from his documentary in the eyes. Yeah, you look like Michael Jordan's eyeballs. Hey, David, work on the delivery. I don't get it. Hey, William, work on yourself. All right. Okay, there goes William Montgomery, everybody.

We love you, William. We love you. Good stuff. William. Montgomery. William.f. Montgomery 1. Your next comedian goes by the name of Ellie Rosinski.

Here's Ellie Rosinski. Here's Ellie Rosinski. Here's Ellie Rossell. Hey, so I have a minute, which is still longer than I can last in bed. Not easy for my girlfriend, if you ask her. I've tried telling her it's quite normal for guys to finish off that quickly, because I know she hasn't been with a lot of men before me. But of course, she talked to all friends, and she found out this bullshit.

So I tried using condoms, even though she's protected like a tank inside. It's a slippery option, and it might have lasted longer. but she didn't feel much while it happened. So my last attempt at being good in the sack was aborting the launch right before takeoff, just like that crude dragon did last week, but half the time my rocket still goes on one. And as sad as it sounds,

I'm sure that if she was willing to have sex more than once a week, I'd probably last longer. Ellie, Redmond. Hi, Ellie, how are you? Hey, guys. I'm very well. Where are you at right now? I'm in Warsaw. Warsaw, Poland, huh?

Yes. It's actually 5.40 a.m. Oh, okay. Well, thanks for joining us. How far are you from Olensk? Olensk? Pretty far, if I believe that's what I think it is. Right. Where Yohanna-N-J check is? You know who you're on a yet. I think you don't say it properly.

I'm not. Ossinsk? It begins with an O. It's in your country. What is it? Yeah, it's Austin. Olston. Yeah, they say letters are totally different sounds out there.

Austin. Pretty close. Yeah, Austin. It looks like Austin. Yeah, it's our little Austin. Uh-huh. What do you do there in Warsaw? I'm a musician.

Oh, cool. What kind of music do you play? George Michael Cover Band. Justin Bieber Tribute Band. Yeah, I've even got the earring. No, I play like indie pop. Indie Pop electronic. Oh, okay, yep. That sounds about right. Polish music. That's pretty much Polish. It's nothing here with Polish. I'm actually afraid. Your stash is going crazy over there. You may have the barbecue.

You're too much standing over the garage. grill. This is a real mustache. We're going to get you some just for men and you're going to be fine. Gary said you play the computer. Is that right? Yeah, that's pretty much it. I got to play the drums.

Okay, cool. Where are you staying at? What haunted house are you staying at right now? It's actually my studio because my girlfriend is right next door and she's sleeping and she complains her to move a bit further. Okay, play us something. Play us some Polish. Do you have anything handy there in your studio? You have your laptop handy?

No, I got like, I got the guitar. I'm pretty sure I'm going to piss her off if I do that. Just give her a vibrator. She'll chip her teeth. Once in a lifetime opportunity, bro. No, Polish, Polish vibrator jokes. Like this, I'm not even Polish. I'm French. I just live in Poland. Classic. Classic Polish jokes. Yeah, it's got to be dirty. It's got to be Polish.

It's got to be dirty, man. That's true. Like a Polish firing squad where they all stand in a circle. That's true. What's the one? You get a Polish girl pregnant, right? You know how to do that, right? No, you come in a shoe and you let the flies do the rest.

You let the flies do the rest. What? That doesn't sound like my country. I said I wish I knew some Polish jokes. Yeah. You can just write them. They're super easy. So Polish bitches are dirty?

Yeah. Well, they're dirty and stupid is what they say. Oh, shit. What? That's the American stereotype. Clearly, I don't know if you've watched the news at all in the past few weeks, but we're a little bit racist here. How do you get a one-arm Polack out of a tree?

You wave to him. Oh, this is great. This is three months into quarantine. We're just doing Polish jokes right off the internet. I'm going to use that out my next barbecue last time. You have any Polish jokes? The dads should have Polish jokes. This is a white dad barbecue thing.

I'm just admiring Red Band's knowledge of the Polish jokes. He knows all of them. Give us another one. Okay. Right off the top of his head. Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? What was it? The flashlight.

Yeah? It's solar powered. Nah, nigga. Oh. You got to explain. Who wrote that, William? All right. Play us something on the guitar.

I'm sorry to insult your entire ethnicity and home country. Well, he said he's actually French. Oh, you're French? Yeah, I'm French and I'm a drummer. So it's like nothing to do with the guitar and Polish. How'd you end up in Warsaw? Because my family's Polish and it's easier. to make a music career here.

Oh, okay. How's your career going? Yeah, it's doing well, man. It's doing well. We got like a video. It's got like almost two million hits. I love it. What's the name of your video that people should check out?

It's called Oxygen. And the band is B-M-My. Be mine? B-E-M-Y. B-E-M-Y. Be-my. Yeah, it's a shitty name. No one can pronounce it.

I love it. Play us a song. Here's Ellie Rosinski on the guitar, trying to not wake up his girlfriend and also playing for the masses around the world right now. Okay, Zamea, Polish Blues, yeah? Here we go.

Polish Blues, or as we call them whites. Kethe be one. Kare the Bewin. I'm hoping. Show me a jets. Show me o'jits. in that dumb you chill. Yeah,

the sound and turn you chew, yeah. I'm going to dovet down my page. Yeah. You can have pizza in the morning, you can have pizza anytime. When pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza any time. That's right.

I love your music. I love that. That's what plays in the lobby at the hostile hotel before they murder you. That shit made me want to buy a few. It seems like you guys just got Little Richard in Poland. 1960s American rock and roll.

There's some Polish blues. Good go, let me do, my thing. A wop by Lurituia, La Baveree, bo, fruity-to-to-toe. Fruitie-toe. For the fact, Lerichael, for Macon. What? riches from Macon, the city I grew up in. Oh, wow.

Look at that. You have any more Polish jokes for us? You know why Jesus wasn't born in France. Why? Because they couldn't find three Wiseman or a virgin. Oh. Take that. Is it good? Is it interesting?

How do you have so many hits on your music video? Explain to us. Are you popular in Poland? Like, were you on some show? How does that happen? We signed with a label, but we got to support Ed Sheeran. Oh, cool. Yeah, because, like, fun story, we used to live in the UK, and we were his housemates for a bit. Wow.

So, like, he took us under his wing and, like, made us play in France and stuff. When your legs don't work like they used to before. That's great. You know Ed Shearin's songs? And they can't. He's great. I like a shirt. a little bit of. I mean, your legs don't work like

they used to. Is this a song about diabetes? Yeah. Or a paralyzed person. I love it. Well, Ellie, thank you so much for joining us. The band is Be My. Check them out on Vivo or YouTube or whatever.

Everywhere available. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Ellie. And happy birthday, Tony. Thank you, man. Fuck yeah, thank you. We'll see you soon. Bye, bye, my babies. Here we go. We know this young man. been on the show numerous times in the main room of the comedy store. Here is Mario Tanti, everyone.

Mario. Okay, here we go. Mario Tanti, everybody. A little bit about me. My name's Mario and I'm circumcised. But the older I get, the more I wonder if I would have turned out differently if I had my foreskin and the other name my parents were going to pick for me. Because I'm Italian, they pick two names.

Like, Sergio with four skin sounds hot, you know. My ex-girlfriend, she has a tattoo. It says be nice, but she was a fucking bitch. I'm not going to give you an origin story on why she was a fucking bitch, but it rhymes with she was sucking her ex-boyfriend's dick behind my back. I hooked up with a squirder recently. Don't clap. That's just a cooler way of saying.

A girl pissed in my bed recently. I hate when white people compare basic stuff to being like heroin. I've done heroin before, and it's nothing like a pumpkin spice latte. Some of the people I used to do heroin with, they used to mix it with spit or even toilet water to shoot up. I used to use Fiji water because I'm not a piece of shit. My boy, his birthday. Absolutely. I really.

Okay. Mario Tanti. Hello. How are you? Hello. Good. How are you guys? Great.

Good to have you on this show. Thanks. So let's just jump right into it. You've been on this show a few times. Yeah. This is my fourth time. Awesome. And you're no longer with your girlfriend? No, she's with someone else right now.

Oh, wow. That was, I mean, you guys were both on at the same time before, correct? Wait, what was that? Do I have you confused with someone else? Didn't she do stand-up as well? No, no, she didn't do stand-up. Oh, okay. Yeah. Bro, I knew she was going to leave you. You got a fucking lamb chops puppet, nigga. Hey, man, that's classic shit, dude.

How long were you with her for? She's actually, I don't know if one is, I don't, fuck it. She's actually the girl that's with William. In the show right now. Bro, whoa, my head is about to explode. Wow. Are you fucking serious? Wow.

Yeah, I'm serious. This is amazing. Here's how I realized it. Okay. like so when we when we like kind of stopped talking she had she had some acid and then a couple months

maybe like a month later William was in the on doing his set and then in his interview he said I still remember it he said acid grandparents house and recita and I'm like that's fucking her dude oh god

oh my god so you put it together Jesus so you put it yeah worth it yeah God I love it. That's what it's come to. It was worth it.

It was worth it. And then a couple months later, you guys called her on the show, and it was her voice. And I was like, oh, that's her. So you literally put it together. No, I love it. I love it. Stick with me. Stick with me.

So you put this together from watching a William Montgomery set. Like, you did the math in your head. Well, like, okay, so, like, I found out about the show from coming with her, like, back then. So, like, I never stopped coming. I never stopped coming to the show. Like, I've been there every fucking Monday for years. Yeah, no, I remember.

I just put it together because I'm not retarded, you know? Damn. Wow. This is incredible. Is that the biggest bomb ever dropped on kill Tony, Tony? That's one of the good ones. Well, you have to be happy. That's just like how they describe you.

One of the good ones. I mean, you have to be happy that you got rid of her, at least a little bit because from what we've been hearing, you know, she's beating up him. She's terrible. Yeah. My goodness gracious. She actually does have a tattoo that says be nice and she's like the worst person. Oh, wow.

Yeah. I mean, every week we see William, he has a new brew somewhere. Yeah, William's getting beat up from the feet up. But, yeah, I was hoping to say that in the main room, but I was, didn't get, never got picked. Bro, you would have exploded the comedy store. Great. Yeah, no shit. I blew my mustache.

You blew Gary's mustache right on. Wow. I would have just hoped black people were in there so they can start running around. Oh, I know. I know. You know they would have. If the band runs around during a quarantine episode, Apollo 13 would have been in the belly room.

Like that gift where the guy laughs out of the screen and then it keeps. Slooping back. Yeah, bro, they would have been on La Cianca. So let me ask you this. So when you confronted her, how did that go down? About what? So you watched the Williams set. I never did.

I never did confront her. We don't we stop talking. Oh, okay. Well, she got the message now, bro. I guess she knows now. Yeah. Hell yes, she does. Did you say that she hit you as well?

We got in a fight once because I was looking through her phone because she was being shady and she slapped me. Wow. Jesus. Yeah. Did she push your shit down the shower with her foot? No. All right. That's a, yeah, that's awesome.

My goodness. So how's your love life been since then? You had a girl pee in your bed recently? That was recently as in like comedy words, you know? That was a long time. ago a couple years ago. Was it the girl? Because she peed herself

once. No, different, different girl. Different girl. Different girl. Yeah. My goodness. So Mario, what have you been doing through this quarantine? How you've been holding up? It's bored as fuck. I pretty much just

haven't been going out. Yeah, did you loot anywhere last Saturday? Do you go looting at all? No, I'm not cool enough to loot. Has this been a break from your normal work? Because I know you're like, you work a lot. Oh, yeah, I got laid off. I've been unemployed, collecting that sweet unemployment money.

More than I've been, more money than I've been more than I'm working. So it's like. Everybody's saying that's what all the extreme liberals have been saying that they're making more money than they were before. So why would they ever get back to work? Such a liberal mindset thing. I don't want to. I don't want to go back to work and be broke again. Right.

Absolutely. Just take the government's money. That's all. I mean, it's all fine. What would that ever cost anybody? Anyway, what? I feel bad.

What do you feel bad about? I feel bad for this guy. Like, imagine your girlfriend leaving you. Fuck that. And he's a chef. William Michael. I'll kill it. No.

This is over. This is rocking the push. This is the girl. This girl is personifying the movie. It follows. Yeah. We all have crazy exes. It's better to get rid of it and get through it.

And, you know, and those girls are also, you know, some of them are some of the most fun in the bedroom. You know what I mean? They all have their pluses and minuses. You know what I mean? Like I was thinking the other day about, you know, about how badly I'm looking forward to getting an actual massage. And every time I go to my massage place, I always go. And I'm always like to the front desk lady. I don't want to do an impression.

but she's so Asian. Do it, do it. No, I can't. We're at a barbecue. No, I can't do it. But my point is, is I always go, give me, you know, the strongest, heaviest, like, you can't hurt me. You can't hurt me. You can't hurt me.

And sometimes they'll give me, like, one of the ones that, you know, like, if none of those are available, it'll be, like, some beautiful Asian girl. And it's just pointless. I waste. It's a waste of, right. Yeah, but no, this is a legit place. I don't go to the same place. I actually go for the massage. Winter massage is going to open back. That's what I need.

I need one so bad. Tony, that's crazy because I swear I always ask for the smallest girl that can walk on my back. Really? Yep. We're opposites. I would let you walk on my back. You should try ralph roughing. Is that what it's called? Oh, I heard that's painful. It's super painful, but he might like it.

Is that like with the bars? Where they use like a pipe or something? No, they just get really into the muscle. That's basically what I'm already getting. If they're using any part of their body, that's what I get. It's crazy what goes on up here. Would you do cupping, Tony? I want to do cupping.

I don't really think that that would really. I should try it just to see what it's like, but. I want to try it. I got a question. You're a chef. Have you been making any kind of crazy shit during this quarantine? You've probably been cooking for yourself? I'm a bit of a show.

Yeah, I'm so over cooking for myself. I'd rather fucking blow my brains out than make food anymore. I'm just making, I'm just making. I'm always worried about you when I see you because I know your job's super stressful. I'm like, I haven't been working. So like I'm, I got a break from that bullshit. So what have you been eating?

If you're not cooking for yourself, what have you been eating? I mean, I cook, but it's just simple shit. I eat a lot of Trader Joe's frozen food. You could always use the promo code kill Tony over at postmates.com and get a hundred free dollars for your first month of delivery. basically just free 100 bucks for a month if you haven't signed up for postmates yet all right well that i think david wants to ask him yeah go ahead david hey bro i want to try to set up you to get on brothers in cursive i need that sounds good this sounds like a great idea

dm me or red band yes all right i'll do that we need william to have a sobering experience for String this corner. Yeah. We're like Eskimo brothers. Yes. That shit, blue by my dog. I'm still trying to... Me too.

Heck yeah. Well, that's not the only thing that was blown by his ex-girlfriend. All right, Mario. Thank you so much for calling it. Super compelling. Thank you for all that information. See you guys.

That was so fun. Thank you. Mario Tanti, everybody. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at Mario Tartage. All one word. Mario Tarted. Mario Tanti.

He's a great guy. He's a great guy. Kill Tony. I see him every Monday when we're at the comedy store during our normal lives. All right. Let's keep it moving along. Your next submission goes by the name of Ellen. Here comes Ellen. Barbecue sauce.

Barbecue sauce. Here is Ellen, everybody. I am using the number one live podcast in America to expose my I am being sexually abused by someone from Tiger King. My therapist told me not to say his name, so I'll describe him instead. He's not even hot. He's missing a lot of his teeth. Just doesn't lower it down. He recently had to move to Florida.

And I'll tell you what, if it wasn't for him being locked up, he's definitely capable of killing people. And also his name rhymes with blow. His signature abuse isn't even original. He Louie Cays me every day. Now I'm not going to be able to. a line, that shit's kind of funny. But yesterday, he crossed the line. He made me eat his poop. Get out of here. He just slugged it straight down my throat and I had to swallow it. And if you don't believe me,

this morning I took a shit and had corn kernels in it and I haven't eaten corn in three months. My abuser, he's not the only one doing this. There's a whole ring of them. These Z-list celebrities with one or two things on their IMDs that are literally swinging their dicks and their shit around. Did you hear that meow, Mr. Tiger King? You know what that means. Your time is up, Pollywood Chimpanzees. And it starts with you, Bo. Baby back ribs.

I want my chilies, baby. Barbecue sauce. Hi, Ellen. How are you? Hey, I'm really good. How are you guys? Good, good. That was an interesting, interesting submission.

If that was my daughter, I want my baby back. Whoa. Also, you said the number one podcast in America. It's actually the world. That's true. I know, but I'll tell you what. I kept that submission.

It wasn't my best, like, video take or whatever, because my cat came in at, like, the perfect timing. And I thought it was too funny to restart. So I just said that one. That's what I was going to say. You didn't do the meow at one minute. I was messed up my punchline. I was blown away by what you were talking about.

Yeah. It was very, that is, uh, You distracted me. Right up Red Band's alley, pooping in a mouth. And it's interesting. It's interesting. This happened this week. I had corn twice this week, and I never saw it again.

Like, for the first time in my life, I never, where to go? Wow. And somebody said it's like these new genetically modified corns. They actually digest better or something. Mm. I think your body has been so starved for vegetables for a long time that it's holding onto that corn for all the winter. I think Red Band ain't.

Candy corn. Candy corn. That's what happened. Candy corn. He hit a CD from the bad corn. Oh my goodness. This chick looks like a cigarette fairy. Cigarette fairy.

Like, she'll replenish your cigarettes while you sleep. I love it. Like the tooth fairy? Toothless fairy. Ellen, what part of Eastern Washington do you live in? I even better, I live in Florida.

Oh, out of Florida people. Yeah, a lot of Florida people. They have the internet there. What's in Sarasota? Yeah, barely. Yeah, I really do. I live in central Florida called Wachula, and I really do take care of the two chimpanzees.

They were at the very end of the documentary. I actually took the video that came from Joe Exotic. The ones where they're like the hands, when they close up at their hands, it was really sad. They hug. You have those? It is really sad. They did hug.

That was, I took that video, yeah. Oh, wow, that's crazy. All right. So how much of what you talked about is real during that set? It's 100% true. So the only thing that's not true is that when he threw shit in my mouth, it didn't happen recently. It was before COVID.

So, unfortunately, because we weren't wearing masks yet. And chimpanzees get really weird and, like, mad for, they're like, it's basically, like, kids and their terrible twos that are just, like, psychotic and anger. all the time. Yeah, that's like me. Basically, he just got really, he got really mad at me, and he stood in his hand and threw it when I was talking to my intern. And my mouth was wide open, and it hit, like, it literally, it literally hit the back of my throat. Wow.

That is absolutely incredible. How long have you been taking care of animals for? Animals, like four years, but I've been at this chimpanzee sanctuary for two. What it tastes like? Shit. There you go. Let's go back now. Honestly, I mean, it tastes like it smelled.

I don't know how else to describe it. And I just like poured don't soap in my mouth. I mean, that's like the only thing that's not in our manual what to do working with chimpanzees. And I just poured down soap in my mouth and just like spit for like an hour. You're a beautiful girl. Do any of these chimps ever, any of these chimps ever try anything sexual on you? They do. Yeah, that part is true too.

So, and that's, it's only really, we have a lot of the chimpanzees that were rest. from like the entertainment industry or like once they're like seven years old you can't use them anymore you have to put them basically in a cage or they'll kill you and these guys are like oh in their 30s 40s and a lot of them it's like right when you get there in the morning they it's only the ones that were in movies I don't know why and they all have different ways of masturbating and the one that's actually I talked about he'll spit on his dick like spit and it'll hit his dick and then he'll make hard eye contact with you and like jacket like a person until the Weinstein chip you should post those videos. Why after seven will they kill you? They're so strong. Because they're at that point, they're fully grown and it's kind of like they've hit adolescence and they're just, I don't know if you know anything about chimps, but they're not nice. They're just kind of violent by nature. That's how they kind of sort out all of their things within, like, you know, their groups and yeah, I'm sure you've heard stuff with the news about like that chint that ripped that lady's face off and Joe Rogan

talks about it all the time. Yeah, chimps are crazy. I heard Michael Jackson's chimp was crazy. Yeah, I mean, imagine. Imagine if normal chimps are crazy, what Michael Jackson... Wait, what you say? He is at our sanctuary. You got Michael Jackson's chimp? Bubbles.

Oh, shit. We have the original bubbles. We do. That's no lie. I got a question. If we're ever in your area, can the Kill Tony Squad come take a tour? Will you take us on a tour of your chimp place?

100%. You guys are coming to Miami, Florida, I think, and I would love to give you a tour. How far are you from Miami? It's like two and a half hours, but it's a quick drive. I'll walk there. I'll see you next week. Maybe you could just bring the gyms to the show. She's missing an arm and leg.

Bubbles got to be old by now. He can't fucking nobody else. Well, I'll write Bubbles a minute to do. So do you know Carol Baskin? Do you know her? I don't know. No. Nobody at my sanctuary, even the founder, knows her personally.

So, yeah, she deals with big cats. So that documentary made all animal people look crazy. And there are, I promise you, like, normal people that work with animals. But, yeah, now she's kind of big cat world, separate. Everybody says that everybody's crazy, though. Everybody was throwing each other under the bus throughout that entire documentary. I guess my question is this. How many animals have you killed?

Honestly, one on accident. How did that happen? How did the accident? happened? I don't know if you guys saw my accident with a bow and arrow. Were you pointing a bow and arrow at them? No.

Okay. How did it happen? I have pet sugar gliders, which you should not have his pets, but they were kind of like donated to me when I worked at Columbus. I'm from Columbus. You're from Columbus Zoo.

So you know, Jack. Yeah. I worked in his department. That was my very first job was like working with the animals that he takes on, he took on like late night shows, and I would do shows with them on grounds at the Columbus Zoo. I used to do the zoo camp there growing up every year where you would stay there. Oh, that's really cool.

All right, what's a sugar glider? What is that? His little, cute little squirrel thing with the big eyes. He had a wake. I still have one, but I had three. And anyway, long story short, one got out of its cage. And I probably could have prevented it. And my cat that was in my minute video killed it.

Oh, so you didn't. You didn't. Oh, your cat killed. Considering I work to protect animals, it was negligence. Well, it was good for your cat. Extra treat for your cat. It was great enrichment. What a fun toy.

God, that would have been sad. Those things are so cute. I wish you could show us yours right now. They're the most adorable. He's asleep. I mean, I can try. He'll poke his head out. Yeah, let's try it.

Let's wake it up. Play some Polish guitar music to wake it up. I mean, you have sugar sugar. Oh, he's a sweet. Oh, look. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

Look at that thing. Their eyes are so pretty. Look at that. It's like a... This camera's awkward. Hold on. It's like a chinchilla's fucked a squirrel. And can fly.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, they can fly. Glaze over the fact that Brian said he was doing cams as a child. What? He said it's a zoo cam. Cam. Oh, never mind.

Like something he's doing now. Wow. Yeah, it's something that kids can do. I honestly didn't know what's been around that long. I thought it was a newer thing. Oh, no, yeah, I used to do that. And Jack Hanna used to actually be the one that would come out and talk to us before we went to bed because we slept there for some reason. Columbus had a bunch of great things.

Remember, Kossai? Did you ever go to Kurosai? Yeah. The science. I still open, I think. Remember they had the old train in the back where the trolley where you could sit in. We would take screwdrivers when we would go there for school and would go in the trolley and undo the wind. and then climb out and go to the city center, the shopping center, hang out at the shopping center.

Jesus. What a rebellious child you were. My God. Little children sneaking out of a trolley to go to the local mall. Children of the porn over here. Yeah. Telling you. All right.

Well, Ellen, so much fun. I mean, great stuff. I honestly thought that everything you were saying was a lie. I'm like, oh, this is weird that she's making all of this up about Joe Exotic. It's sort of like. Like out of, it's too, it's been too long to even make stuff up. So in, in retrospect, I'm amazed that your incredible story. And I think in the future, we definitely should maybe schedule a show near you because I think that would be worth it.

Yeah. When we go from Miami to, what are you on the way to? Tampa or something or? It's in the middle of nowhere. But honestly, we're like an hour and a half from Orlando. And we're also an hour and a half from Tampa. Wow. Which direction?

Which direction? South of Orlando? Oh, God. Southwest. So technically if we did Miami. Oh, Southwest. Yeah, you're not really, are you on the way in between anything?

Yeah, that's from Miami to Orlando. No. Unfortunately not. That West part. It's worth it, though, I promise. Yeah, I'm sure it would be worth it. Absolutely. Get us around some good old monkeys.

Red band will sleep in again and it'll get us. Watch your mouth. Watch your mouth. He'll get stuck in the trolley when he just grew up. Do we really have to go there? I don't know. If we get to the, but I want to take a nap before the show.

I'm just going to watch Planet of the Apes and get postmates. Oh, we have both of the Chimperin's E's that were in Canada of the Aish. All right, Ellen. Thank you so much. So interesting. We'll see you again soon. Ellen, everybody.

All right. Bye-bye. She's on Instagram at Chimp Biscuit. C-8. I-M-P-B-I-Z-K-I-T. We know your next comedian. Maybe back rooms. He's been on the show a couple few times.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it. Here's Kyle Gridley. Kyle Gridley. Here's some music. Here's Kyle Gridley. All right. Okay, I can do this. This is really, all right.

Okay, this is so hard. I did not. What's my medium? I can't. I'm supposed to look at it. All right, shit. All right, I'm just going to say it. For the last three years, I've been living in the back of my 1982 El Camino.

It was really fun. It was really cool till recently. Okay, gosh, you know, fucking, you close a couple of gyms. You really fuck up a guy's life, huh? Geez, I was doing it. I was fucking working at four in the morning and doing stand-up at night. I fucking felt like, I was accomplishing shit.

And now I feel homeless, which I guess I was the whole time. I just honestly, I just, I thought I was getting away with it. I thought I, geez, I don't know, man. I don't know what, what's it like to be, you know, working basically two jobs, living in your car, and then every business you used to survive closing all at once. What's that like? I don't. That is interesting for sure.

Kyle, grand me. Wow. Wow. Wow. Hi. Hi, guys. Mr. Tony, Dan for my niggas.

Bye for my niggas. Uh, Hello, I'm good people. I need to think about that. I need to think about that. That is the no-limits soldiers

down for my niggas. Hello. Uh, Hello, Kyle. How are you? I'm good to see you again. Great.

Great. So great. Fucking great. All right, relax. So great. This guy's always. I didn't think about the gym thing. That affected a lot of people like Malcolm and stuff like that.

It probably had to move. I think Malcolm's in the house. I mean, imagine not only that, but when everything first shut down, you couldn't even probably get anywhere to shower or brush your teeth at all. No, yeah. I mean, you know, I've been living in Southern California for a long time. I have a lot of friends, but, you know, I've been essentially working right still next to los angeles international airport and it was real hard to get a guy to you know show up and come and hang out with a guy who's been working in the fucking hot spot of you know yeah what type of essential work have you been doing i am a janitor if you remember i work at in and out burger they're a great company they're amazing company and if i don't say that it's been a legal

Yep, one of the reasons why I was extremely offended at that fast food thing that came out that said Denny's was number one in California. I mean, like, everyone knows it's in and out. In and out all the way. These crazy people out here try to talk shit about in and out when they want to get their comments up on their social media posts or whatever. It's ridiculous. The only one they got right was Texas and Waterburger. Yeah. And that's all they had to do to get us upset is like get a couple of the states right.

called California Denny's in Ohio melting. What? Just keep eating there every day. It pays my checks. And that's great. It's going just fine, my friend. I promise you that.

I got a question, though, why three years homeless? That seems like a long. I was. I mean, I thought I was doing it. You know,

man, I'd fucking work at four in the morning, all right. I'd get out at like 12.30. I'd fucking go to the gym. shower up, spend an hour or two in LA traffic, you know, post up, fucking write something, edit a video, anything. And then I would just do stand up for the rest of it. It felt like I was always out doing something. I felt like I was, you know, working hard or something.

You are. And now it just. You are. That's what it takes. Yeah. That's what it takes. You have to do all that stuff and get a bunch of lucky breaks. And this is all part of your story. You know, it's going to be part of the book. It'll be part of your history. Either that or you're going to end up failing, but you'll still have a good story about it. You know what I mean? So it goes both ways. Great eulogy. Man, yeah, it is wild.

And I did think about a lot of the comedians when this happened. It is completely wild times to be living the dreams surviving out of your car. But where are you originally from, Kyle? I was born in orange. I grew up in the inland empire, San Bernardino, California. 2008, highest murder per capita in the nation. It's fun. Yeah.

But then I've been in Orange County for five years. And now I work in Westchester, you know, that's the airport. Right. But your parents are still in the inland empire? Oh, my mom lives in Mexico. And my dad is somewhere, who knows. Okay. I'm not finding out. Our producers are telling us he's on the line.

Yeah. Oh, right. Awesome. I get to, do you want to call my dad again? Your father's just like your job, in and out. That's perfect. It's great. How old were you when he took off? Oh, he didn't take off. It's, you know, he beat me. And then, you know, my, I told my mom, and then, you know, the divorce started happening. It was all very quick.

Oh, God. So not only did you take the beating, but ever since then, you've had the inevitable guilt of breaking your parents up. Am I correct? Well, it's all my fault. I don't care. I don't care. Yeah, you're wrong. I don't know what?

Can I just say it? Can I just say it? Yeah. When I was a kid, I was beat my dad. and I am upset about it. It bothers me. It happened. I have lingering emotional issues.

It's fun. You know, I can talk about it all day, but, you know, geez, you know, think about talking to him again and what? I'm just going to get gaslit by this guy.

The lawyer. I mean, at best, what, he's 77. I'd have to take care of an old dying man, right? That's right. He's a wildly successful lawyer. That is correct. And now I remember.

Let's check in with Dwayne, Wilcox. Yeah, I can't tell if it's the camera angle or not, but it looks like you have a permanent deep fake filter on your face. Something's wrong. Are those dads? Those are all dead, right? I'm terrified, but also I want acceptance. I can't even see them on the phone. Well, then you have to decide if you'd rather be gas lit or street lit. You want to see the car? I'm actually, I found you the producer. Happy birthday. Okay. There we go.

Oh, it's Tony's birthday. I'm the first day. I'm at my friend's shop right now. Wow, Kyle. I actually, I'm at my friend's shop right now. It's a, I was told to get a stable internet connection in my 1982 El Camino does not have that. So I'm at a, it's crazy. I've actually had a silver smithing shop.

I can show you the whole thing. It's kind of a lot. Let's do it. Let's do it. Absolutely. The guy, he works on metal. He works on metal. metal he polished his silver and he went to an actual stable it's an old tin can in Costa mesa

California and he's his name is the guy who runs his name is Sam cuts he used to do comedy in the 80s and 90s but had to quit because of his crack whore wife and uh he's been hanging out in orange county since then Sam what's his last name Sam what Sam cut Sam cut Sam Cuts How do you spell that? K-U-T-Z. Yeah, you remember this guy. He's like an older guy, silver hair, right? Ah, this guy's blackish.

He's not been in the show. He lost his courage a long time ago. It's fun. We hang out. I make fun of him for being old. We smoke pot. I think his name's on the wall. It's a good time.

Oh, okay. I remember seeing that. My car is outside. Look, man, that's great. It's good to have, it's good to have older types of, of people that have been in the business a long time to look up to and to hear stories about it and to let you know things they're going to get through it.

You know, a very, very crazy thing that happened when I first started was it was actually, you know, like I've talked about, I think, on this show, right at next, your Barry Starbucks, right where you are every day, is where I met Shia LaBuff's father, Jeff LaBuff. And I ended up making friends with them. And he gave me some great advice. because my big plan was to start at the open mics around Burbank and then work my way into the store like so many people do. And he actually was the final decider for me.

He goes, you know, just start at the store, sink or swim, don't waste your time or else you'll be even more in your head by the time you get to the store, just start there. And it was a great piece of advice. And him and I were really close for quite a while. And it's crazy. I actually watched Honeyboy for the first time this past week. And boy, was that surreal because that's a movie all about him. And all of the things about him were exactly spot on. All stuff that I had to deal with.

I realized from watching that movie that he was definitely mentoring me in a way to sort of, you know, just do what he sort of did with Shaya. He felt like he was good at that type of thing. And what's my point is, oh, that. someone like Sam there, while he may not have been wildly successful in his own art, could be someone that helps you survive and also a father-like figure that people with damaged childhoods. Yes, exactly. Yeah, he's a guy. You know, he's a fun guy. I did a little, you know, I bought a camera a while ago and I filmed a little podcast. I showed us some, you know, all the old

shit he has. He paints a lot. This one's rad. He can see it. This one is. It's like he did it on sheet metal. The shape metal, it's a metal sheet. Oh, that's cool. That is super cool. Yeah, he's a guy, he's hanging out. He has, he writes. He writes with me. It's dope. I love it. That's beautiful. That's what it's all about, man, especially. You guys want to see the car? It's right out the door. You guys want to see the car? Sure. Let's see a real one. I'm here, you know, often enough.

It's an Orange County, but I still have to go to work all the time. As a janitor. So much energy for a guy with a fat head in this way. Are you, so your dad only beat you. He never did any sex stuff, right? Well, I, you know, he's a weird, he was weird. He used to get naked and do jumping jacks in front of the house. Show us the El Camino, Kyle.

Yeah, I'm a real molested personality, right? I don't know what it is. Exactly. That's what I'm going to say. I don't. Yeah, it's just a personality of I have. of molestation um it's good it's good can you see it it's rad i've had it for 10 years that is pretty it's been really fun rolling up and being cool and people stare at me and i smoke joints and drive and i write while driving on the phone um honestly i'm pretty disappointed the cops for not

catching me at this point geez i know a real bad guy did you hear that david lucas is willing to buy your own yeah by no i'm going to keep it forever it's important important to me. And I want to thank David. He offered to give me free shoes one time because I looked stupid. Yeah, bro, I still got you. Whenever you want these shoes, bro, I just gave away 40 pairs of shoes like two weeks ago. Heck yeah. David lost a lot of weight in his feet during the quarantine. I had to use these motherfuckers. That's nice. You look, you look great. I saw you at the fucking the little, the parking lot. End up show. We're doing. Okay. Kyle, thank you so much. An incredible story of someone surviving during these crazy times, barely on anything but momentum and love for the game. And we love that. We'll see at the comedy store soon. Shouldn't be long now.

Kyle greatly, everybody. Here we go. One, the only, the cerebral asset. One of my favorite human beings in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to the great Michael Lairor, everyone. Here we go. Hey, I'm here also to support Ed Sheeran. Too much? Hey, someone says something.

Is there a delay? No, you're good, Michael. Everything's good. How's it going? Good. I had some wonderful California dimies today. Hey, hey, will you tell Ellen, bubbles licked my asshole. He needs to fucking be held accountable.

Wow, I did not know that. Yeah, anyway, David, can I have some shoes? Hell yeah, it don't matter the size, but I give them to you. Yeah. Yeah, you're married heavy socks, y'all. Alright, look, I wanted to talk to you. So, ever since I got famous, I go to all these Hollywood and Corona fuck parties,

where we all get inoculating and become our brains out. But no one will do drugs with me because they're worrying that I'll die and they'll go to jail. So I made a video that I take responsibility for all the drugs I want. to do, so Gage, roll the tape. Hey guys, great party. Great party guys.

Hey, great party guys. If anyone finds a big bag of cocaine, is this? I'm hanging all these annex. I'm belting. So I need a little something that tinged Angel. You're not every time a bell rings, I can hide on angel dust. My point is if you know what phenomol at your party,

put in the invitation, because I want to brought all this fennel to do myself. Guess who learned how to make quailants? I'll give me my hand. He can stand, but he can't walk. No one touched my crocodile. I cut it out of a crocodile. Crocodile and crocodiles have nothing to do with each other. I just had it laying out into crocodile ate it so I don't know I ain't the one.

No one dragged my lifeless body in here. I came in this closet to do all the heroin because everyone at this party is loser loser yeah my favorite is him laughing

party him laughing while the video was going on we could still hear you laughing in the background that was great during the fend in all part what we could yes red band was talking about hearing you laughing

he loved it your laugh is Oh, yeah. I'm a very Jimmy family type breaker. This boy is stupid. Yeah, if the stupidest, you know that, David. Yeah, but stupid of black people is a good thing. Like when they go, you're stupid. I don't know, dude, it's confusing.

I love it, Michael. So much fun. Crazy stuff happening all around the world. Yeah. What's shaking in your world? Anything else you want to talk about? Oh, yeah. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Look. Look who I fucking got back from William. He stole from me. That motherfucker. Wow.

William. Keep it in your pants. You fucking. I can't believe you ended up with her in the end. She has the Be Nice tattoo on her arm still and everything. That's funny. Hell yeah. Yeah, David said that's funny.

I heard him. I love it, man. I fucking love it. So how's everything else? How's the son doing? He's great. He's a real hippie. I'll be like, hey, Colin, because I'm like, playing, plan, plan, plan. And I'm like, when do you want to come back in all these moving parts? And he's like, well, let's just see, man. Let's see what happens. He's stoned up in Idaho. Wyoming.

It is. Literally no one remembers the word Wyoming. They say Montana, Colorado, Iowa. Never Wyoming. It is weird. Yeah, I feel like that's the state

that we get left out. If you had to try to name them without thinking of it, Wyoming's a weird one. Yeah, I don't know anything about Wyoming. It's the least populated. Kanye owns like 500 acres there. Who?

Kanye, he bought a rancher one. Oh, yeah. I did know that. Oh, yeah, Jackson Home, Wyoming. I went to college in Wyoming, and I made a baby. And then I was valedictorian. And they didn't make me alumni of the year. Not yet.

Not yet. We're not giving up on that. Tony. It's some... Yeah, but not this year, but maybe next year you're the alumni of the year. You don't really want to be alumni of the year of 2020 anyway. It's the worst year ever. Yeah, I am. But 2021 is not looking good for me either.

What do you mean by that? Oh, I'm melting. No, no, you're not. No, I'm melting. You guys can see. Guys, I didn't always talk like this. I used to be. And that...

Oh, no. It happened. You froze up there. You scared us, Michael. We thought that was it. That was incredible. That was incredible. Hey.

Joe Berg, when I die, take over my merch. My merch is all I got it. I'd love to. It's all I got. It's my son's legacy. All I have to leave him is 20. Can you leave Joel your comedic timing instead of your merch store? Let the man talk, Tony.

What is it the internet? What? No, you're fine now. It just froze once. Is this the internet? No, it's good now. It just froze once a little bit ago. It was perfect.

When you watch the playback of it, you'll laugh. I don't watch this horrible show. No, I know. I know, but you'll see it on like a clip. Someone will clip it out. No. No. No, you'll see it.

Yeah, you will. Yeah, someone's going to clip that out on social media. No. No. Yeah, huh? I won't want to. Yes, you will. Yes, you will. I'm going to show it.

I'm going to make sure you see it. I'm Netflix. I'm watching Epstein. I won't watch Kill Tony. Anyone else have this conspiracy theory that everything that's happening around us with race and the riots and all of it is so that people don't talk about the Epstein. documentary that would that would basically destroy billionaires and their secret lives of crazy sex things. I think they're saying, but not, I've seen, but Takashi 6'9. Yeah.

Yeah, snitches are in this summer. Well, this is our destruction so he could chill out. Yeah. Michael Lair, I love you more than anything in the world. Anything else before we go? Absolutely. Oh, happy birthday! Thank you so much, Michael.

Yeah, I'm the oldest. How old are you? What? How old are you? 41. Oh, yeah. You look. great.

Stud. Bang. I'm melting, though. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry to bring down the room. But I'm the one who's melting, so maybe

you all should get off your fucking high horse. No, you're doing great. Again, Michael, Michael, I've said this before I'll say it again. I have you third on my kill-tony death pole. I won't say who's above you, but I have you in the three spot. Oh, I got a no.

We'll talk about it. No, is it not obvious to you, Joe? Yeah, even I know. Well, I know who. I want to know who's second. It's William, you idiot. I forgot about that guy. It looks like he's dying.

Oh, God. Red Band and William are tied neck and neck. Geez. So much for, I don't want to name names. You could go to My Booky and probably bet on it. That's true. I do. You spend it, and you get paid.

I bet all the money in my Ridge wallet at My Bookie. And I trust you, I'm not going to flush it down the My Tushy to. And you know what has a compartment for your Ridge wallet? Sheath underwear. That's true. I'm rocking sheets right now all week. They just re-upped us again last. week, I mean sheath underwear

all the way around. The entire crew. Look at this. Sheath underwear. I'm going to vomit. Sheath underwear. Pants a beef on that. Everyone's got sheep. Everyone's got sheath. Yeah, we got enough sheaf to last

put them last day. Yes, Michael Lair. Tony, Tell me when I put in enough effort for free underwear. I'm going to get you a pair of sheath underwear. Not only that, but they have it so that they have it just like your just like your Velcro, Tommy Hilfiger shirt or whatever. Wait, magnets?

Yeah, they got my Tommy. Whoa! You're ripped, dude. What the fuck. That is incredible. You're in good shape, Michael. You're in great shape. You know what?

You know what? You just moved a fourth on the death hole. David Lucas is over there shaking his head because he knows he's in the third spot. May I make a comment on that? Absolutely. A lot of people, pardon me, a lot of people talk about what good. Good shit, my man. That's part of the disease, you fucking morons.

Yeah, he doesn't eat. Right. He's on a lot of medicine. Man, am I misfiring? No, no, no, it's just really, that's just really sad. That's a really sad punch law at that time. I was actually watching a video. I don't know if your get or done is ever going to be.

It's the disease, you morons. I actually watched a video, old video of Michael the other day. And he had a little pot belly back in the day. Oh, yeah, buddy. I used to love beer and hurt. That ALS is working for you. That's going to be the new LA diet. No doubt.

No more than neuron disease in the house. Catch you at the grove. We'll see you there for sure. Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. We love you so much, Michael. We'll see you next week. Michael Laird. Oh, we did it on the right thing.

That was incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Tyler Bagan's. Here's Tyler Bagan's. Tyler Baggons. Hey, so you want to know the best part and the worst part of having had 12 concussions? Well the worst part's definitely the frequent fits of unbridled rage, but the best part is I can't even remember them. Can't trust these doctors though. I went to one of these doctors that gave me one of these cat scans. I don't know why he scanned my cat. I'm the one who hit my head, but he says all the bleeding's on the inside, so whatever.

Anyways, what I'm here for, you ever notice how this Epstein and this Weinstein and this Frankenstein all got a common denominator? Yeah, they're all the vicious sexual monsters. Well, not sexual, but you get it. A lot of these smart dogs, they'll say, actually, Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster. Oh, oh really? You're telling me this doctor went around all the cemeteries around town, digging up body parts, mimicking human life,

spitting in the eye of God, and you're telling me he's not a monster? Also, where do you find a guy with a rectangle head, huh? Someone ought to scan his cat, eh, Fonz? Fantastic. How are you, Tony? Great. Are you in Madison, Milwaukee? Where is that fond statue? Oh, that's, that's in Milwaukee.

I live about, I actually, looking out my window, I can Shemezel, Shemazel see where Laverton Shirley made beer. Ooh. That's still, that wasn't burned down? Not yet. Hopefully within time. Have you ever tried Pepsi milk before? Yes. Pepsi milk?

Yeah, it tastes like a, it tastes like a root beer float. Yeah. You know, whatever. I don't want to talk about Laverne and Shirley, though. Can we not talk about LeVern and Shirley? I brought it up. Yeah, you're right. I was trying to connect with the Geico Caveman.

I knew that was coming. Oh, you stop it. A boy, do love. There it is. Bluto's son. Remember Bluto? From Popeye? He looks like.

Yeah, it looks like I'm going to go lift weights at the beach in 1922 or something. Looks like Portland Aquaman. Right. That boy got a silver-rights lifeguard events on. Life. Yeah, I said it. I love it. So you're in Milwaukee?

Yeah, I'm in Milwaukee now because, well, I used to live in Madison. You ever been there, Tony? Yes. You ever been to Madison? Multiple times. Many times. One of the great comedy clubs in the country is there. It's got the comedy on state.

on State, the little corner place there. I've also performed at, I believe it's the Pabst Theater. Is that in Milwaukee or Madison? That's in Milwaukee. That's at Turner Hall. You've been to Turner Hall, too. Been to Turner Hall. We did Kill Tony there.

I've done the Paps Theater there multiple times with other people. And I've done Madison's. What's the theater there that's amazing with the lights that go around it? Who cares? I don't know. It's down the street from Comedy on. Not the state theater. The Berymore.

The Orphium. The Orphium. Either way. It's Orphium. Yeah. No. No. No.

Is that the big one? No. You know what? I don't want to talk about comedy on state either because they got a soft ban on me. They won't let me. What happened? The majestic. The majestic.

The majestic. The Orpham. Why are you banned a comedy on state? I'm banned at comedy on state because everyone thinks I'm crazy because I've had a lot of concussions and I've been on info wars a bunch of times. And they're all politically correct. I love it. But yeah, Alex Jones is only crazy if you don't listen to him for four hours a day, dude.

Right. I don't see what the problem is. If you listen to anybody for four hours a day, you're pretty much, you're pretty much in. It's like what came first, the chicken or the egg. I'm pretty sure you get addicted to anything. You listen to it for four hours a day. But, uh, yeah. Yeah.

I wasn't going to, I wasn't going to bring this up. But speaking of, uh, comedy on state. And since the guy earlier said he was Eskimo Brothers with William. Okay. Tony. Tony, I got news for you. Oh.

Me and you, buddy, we're Eskimo brothers too. Ooh. Wow. That's very exciting. I got the dirt. Okay. Is this a set up to a joke? No, but I just thought.

it was kind of weird that she told me that she fucked you right before we had sex, so okay. Who was this? What do you mean who was this? Don't name names. Don't do that. I'm not going to name names. I wouldn't do well. Who was this? That doesn't... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's okay. No, it's fine. I've had sex with women before. The listeners of this show are going to be shocked to find this out. Go ahead, Jeremiah. I mean, Dwayne Willcox. Now, When she did tell you Tony's name, did that make you more like ready for action or did that like tame you down a little bit?

AIDS test the next morning. Hey-o. Well, I didn't have to take a blue two. That's for sure. Yeah. I like that. All right. Well, that's fun.

But I don't want to talk about that. No, I don't want to talk about that. He says he doesn't want to talk about anything, and then he's like, I love that, but he'll bring that up. So how did you get so many concussions? Well, I guess it's just occupational hazard, I suppose, because when you've been an enhancement talent for the only R-rated death match independent wrestling promotion in Milwaukee for the last 12 years, you get a few bumps and bruises. Absolutely. That's that's that's. happens definitely uh steel chairs i've had a lot of concussions like steel chair yeah steel chairs stop signs

barbed wire baseball bats i let a guy a fire one time you know wow incredible and do you still do that yeah i just uh i just had a show on friday i c w Milwaukee we were the last one to run a show before coronavirus started and we're the first one back and we're all sick now so What's like, what's your like character name? What's your wrestler name? Well, I'm the hot topic, Tyler Beggins, and I am a DMT cult leader from another dimension, dude. Oh, okay. What are some of the craziest conspiracy theories that you believe in that you think we would find shocking?

Well, conspiracies, I like to call them, you know, just history. There's three things that you can't call. People that are like that. You can't call conspiracy theorist theorists. You can't call internet trolls, internet trolls, and you can't call hipsters, hipsters. They all deny it. Well, you know, I don't think that we are.

And you can't call after 10 p.m. because you'll wake up their mom. Hey, look at this. Gage has brought up some of your wrestling. That girl's, oh, it's you. That's a dude. That's him. That's Tyler Baggins.

The hot topics. Is that thumbtacks? Going under the ring. That's great. Great outfit. That boy. A trailer part wise. Yeah.

He's in the ring like one, too. I've seen this character on Midwest freaks.com. Okay. Enough about the rest. We're on to conspiracy now. Oh, okay. You want to talk about like how the moon isn't even real, dude? Yes, tell us.

Tell us how the moon isn't real. Explain to us. Because I was watching it the other night. What are you looking for? The moon is faker. The moon is faker than pro wrestling, okay? Because if space is, if space is nothingness, if space is nothingness, then, and the only thing between Earth and the moon is space, then that means that there is nothing between the Earth and the moon. So, therefore, the moon is touching the Earth if it's real.

So you don't believe in gravity. Because we all know the, what? You don't believe in gravity? Is that what you're saying? I'm a fucking pro wrestler. Of course I believe in gravity, dude. I've been dumped on my head 12 dozen times. Oh, my goodness gracious.

What about 5G? 5G? Well, okay, you want to know about 5G? 5G? I'm not afraid of the radio waves, right? I'm not afraid we're all going to get microwave to death and we're going to get brain cancer. What I'm afraid of with the 5G is the internet of things,

the connectivity and the dependence on the global supply chain, that we've seen fail time and time again throughout this coronavirus. The coronavirus proves that the Internet of Things and 5G technology interconnectness is not the way we need to go. We need to localize and have local Internet networks that are connected with communities that we like and that we are a part of and not some big global conglomerate, freaking, you know, thing. Kind of like that. Wow. Yeah.

Okay. So what do you mean the moon's touching the Earth? you mean like if there's like Truman show style if there's only empty space I mean I think it's like it's right there

like it's a light in the sky that's what that's what it says in here dude see this right here that's what it says in there dude it's a lesser light dude it's one of the luminaries

in the sky don't you believe in astrology dude wow man you're an entertaining guy I like your style Tyler, how old? You know what? I'm 30 years old. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Looking good. Looking good. You don't look a day over 53.

Yeah, yeah, 53. Shut up. No, that's awesome. What else? I'm interested in this. Give me one more good theory of yours. The moon is a light in the sky, according to the Bible. I remember reading that. I believe it was Corinthians 1427 that said the moon is a light in the sky. Was it, Jeremiah? Yeah. I'm looking at you. You're quoting a thin Lizzy lyric right now. You have any other good things that we might find a little bit outside of the mainstream information?

I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think one that won't get me put on a list. Let me think. Yeah, don't get our YouTube flagged. That reminds me while he's thinking everybody's subscribe. I got one for you. This is my all-time favorite conspiracy right here, okay? Yes.

Indigo is not a color. Okay, I don't care what you say. Indigo is not a color. It was put there by Isaac Newton because he was the one who refracted light through a prism. And he's the one who split up the light spectrum in his seven different colors. Even though indigo only takes up 40 nanometers of the light spectrum, all the other colors take up more. Isaac Newton happened to hold stock in the East India Trade Company, which took indigo dye and shipped it all over the place.

So he put indigo in the color spectrum as a branding tool to sell indigo dye all around the world. And indigo's not a color. I'll prove it to you right now. Can you describe the color indigo for me, Tony? Yeah, it's like violet, but it's also sort of just a light blue. It's light blue and dark violet, sort of, right? And it was first known use of indigo as a color was in 1289, so it kind of dates your conspiracy there. No, indigo is the name of the plant.

Indigo is the name of the plant, and it had a purplish color. So they decided to brand it as a color and put that hue of violet in there. Okay, I'm going to prove it. Okay, now you describe the color indigo. Why don't you describe the color yellow? Okay, yellow is, uh, yeah, I would say that yellow. Just fucking yellow. It's just fucking yellow.

You can't describe it with other colors. That's how you know indigo's not a color. I don't even know what you say. Well, I mean, I could say that it's like an extremely light. It's like a violet blue. It's light orange. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard, Tony. I don't think that's a dumbish.

It's totally different than yellow. heard. Describe the color black. Yeah, describe the color black. David Lucas wants to hear you describe the color black. Yeah, what does it sound like? Shit, man, I don't know. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

What did I do? Black lives matter. Oh, shit. You have our attention. Now you have... You know what he asks us to describe a primary color. Yellow. I ain't never heard no shit like that in my life.

I love it. I like this guy. It's not even in a box of cranes, dude, unless you get 64. So it is. Tyler, you're a funny guy, dude. Just because your friend's boxy, the big cram box doesn't mean I got to believe in it. You know what I'm going to do? Since I like you so much, I find you so entertaining, and I think that you'll make the best of it.

I'm actually friends with the family that owns comedy on state, and I'm going to put in a good word for you. When things open back up. Oh, boy. You think those bridges are... You think those bridges are unburnable? Well, I usually use a nuclear device to blow up my bridges, so I hope so. But I'm open. Hopefully, hopefully I don't burn my bridges with him by vouching for you.

But I'm going to try it anyway. I'm going to say Tyler Baggins is healthier than he was before. He's had some brain injuries, and he respects the place, right? Of course I respect the place. There you go. Then that's what I'll do. It's the best open mic. It's the best open mic in the country.

300 people every week. It's a great place. It's just to perfectly build comedy club is what it is. Their comedy stage is in the corner facing outward instead of the middle. So instead of having to turn 180 degrees each time to see or 40, what would that be 90 degrees each time to see the people and have 180s behind you sometimes, they just, you can't fuck it up because you're in the corner. It's how most comedy clubs should be built. The improv in, uh, uh, the, uh, West Palm Beach improv is in the corner.

One of the few comedy clubs with a corner stage. Hilarities in Cleveland? Very good. All right. Tyler Baggins. Thank you so much. Very, very entertaining, ladies and gentlemen. That's our show.

Thank you guys. Catch them on YouTube. YouTube.com. back slash Tyler Bagan's and that is tonight's episode. Don't forget, subscribe to our show on YouTube and Spotify and let's check in with our drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt, everybody. Hey, you've been flame smoked. Kill Tony, big juicy weeners. We got that on the camp? Just like David Lucas. I'm not seeing it over there. Try our takeout over at Kill Tony. That is a beautiful. I actually have been smoking some weeners lately in my

My new Traker, I have a new Trigger grill. I got some elk sausages and go over to the farmer's market, get some stuff. It's like a bunch of Louis J. Gomez's. Yeah, there they are. Definitely the band. You even have a, what's that called again, the animal on the hot dog? A cat. Oh, it's just a cat.

Oh, I thought it was one of those things that. Yeah, sugar glider. Yeah, and you got David Lucas, Michael Lair, and William Montgomery there. Weiner's on the bottom. That is just absolutely incredible, Ryan J. An amazing artist. All of his works available at Ryan Jeebelt.com. You can support a real-life artist.

Not a lot of people know this, but his online store was looted last week. So he could really use your support. He's the only online store that got looted. Speaking of looting, shout out to the great David Lucas for joining us here tonight. I appreciate y'all, man, for having me. It's always funny here.

hilarious every night on Instagram live. David Lucas is funny? David Lucas funny. David Lucas funny. David Lucas funny, all one word. Anything else? Do you want to plug or promote David? On the 22nd, I'm in Lancaster at Big Shots Bar and Grill. And then the 26 and the 27th,

I'm at the American Comedy Club in San Diego, June 26, 27. Absolutely doodily. The leader of the band tonight, believe it or not, the great Jeremiah, Watkins, everybody. Hello there. Thank you so much at Jeremiah

dash Watkins on the old Venmo YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. If you want to give me a subscribe over there on Jeremiah Wonders this week. I actually had Dr. Phil. He had a big intervention with Darwin. So it's a special episode that we did this week. So please don't end. Video drops on Wednesday.

Awesome. How about a big hand for the great Joel Jimenez was here tonight, everybody, here in the corner. Joelberg. Boom. Tony. Happy birthday. Very happy you were born. You know, without you, I wouldn't have a show to bomb on. And, guys, next new episode of Mostly Sorry podcast coming this week.

Hell yeah. Jet ski, Jesse Johnson. At 10 p.m. this Friday, 10 p.m. with headliner Michael Turner, who was on the show a couple weeks ago. I love that. I'll be expecting a full report about that. Fun stuff happening. business is booming over at the Roastmaster class that I started. We hit our first, I believe, 70 students in one week, which is quite incredible,

before even really showing anybody what we're doing. We got it just by getting it out there. And a lot of fun stuff. We've laid down a lot of episodes that we're excited to release. They're all going through an amazing editing process from Gage, who's a tremendous producer and a great help on that. And I'm really proud of the work that we're doing over there. We're on the road.

Texas, Miami, Salt Lake City, Boston, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Salt Lake City, Moon Tower in Austin, Toronto, Bakersfield, Sacramento, San Francisco, D.C. And Tacoma, my website's going through a little makeover right now and should be relaunched by the end of this week. So that's all going to be extremely available for sale. If you live in any of those cities, you could just Google that city and Kill Tony, and that'll pop up. Vito's Pizza is everywhere in Southern California. Caveman Coffee.

Use the promo code, kill Tony. Buy a candle at damn good candleco.com. And Redband. Check out Virtual Redband. It's me playing virtual reality with a lot of people with fans of the show and stuff like that. You can go on YouTube.com slash Redband. Also, tomorrow we have a new episode of Brian Holtzman's podcast. And of course, brothers and cursive will be on this week, I think.

Also, go to deskwad.tv. Thanks, guys. And don't forget, send your submission videos to killtony quarantine at gmail.com. This is the last few weeks that you people will be able to submit is my prediction. I think we will be getting back to somewhat of our regular format very soon. That's what I'm thinking and hoping fingers fucking. fucking crossed. Thank you all for joining us.

Thank you to everybody and we'll see you next week. Another episode of Kiltown.