KILL TONY - KILL TONY #459 – QUARANTINED #14

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/08/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad. TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day. So check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest, Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento, October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to Desquod.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates.

Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliff, and he has tour dates and he has some merch there. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. E. Belt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now.

So go to Ryanjeebilt.com. And last but not least, shop squad. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And he also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to Shop Squad.combed. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from Betterbox Studios for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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$5 for shipping. Get an extra Boneski for your Moneski. Again, that's B-L-U-E-Cue.com. promo code kill Tony and you know they sponsor the podcast and when you support our sponsors you're supporting us so if you want a boner go to blue shoe.com and use the promo code kill Tony yeah I wish I had those things you know that's so great that you could just keep it in your pocket and chew because you never know you go on a date and what she's like let's go back to my house you're like you know what let's double down you know I want to impress her you know

absolutely keep it in your pocket hey you about here Yeah, Ryan J is here. All the prints. He draws everything. Ryan Jeebelt.com. He's incredible. He's great at what he does. The road posters, the artwork, everything he does is incredible.

I love the auctions that you've been having lately. There's one going on right now. It's all working out. Things are going. People love auctions. And I love it. And that's, you know, I have his artwork all over my place. Me too.

The official artist of the show. Always has been. Always will. be. And, you know, that supports the show too. Put some a little money to put it inside of his Ridge wallet. Ridge wallet is an unbelievable, sleek, super amazing device. We all use it here on Kiltoni. It's a minimal front pocket wallet that's designed to streamline what you carry every day. Yeah, the front pocket part is probably my favorite because I've always my whole life kept a wallet in my back pocket. It's the same one I've had my whole, you know, same kind of

foldable wallet, you get it like a Target or something like that. And that just builds up with coupons and cards that you put in there. Next thing you know, you have a wallet that's like five inches thick. And you just sit on it. You're in the car going to work every day. That's bad for your back. When I got this thing, it's two like metal plates together with a band. And it's just so nice to just only carry around what you need. You keep it in your front pockets. It doesn't hurt your back. I love it. I don't think I could go back to a normal wallet. That's true. And if you ever decided that for some reason you would. There's a lifetime warranty, which goes to show that it'll last forever, and free returns if you don't like it for any reason. They're that confident

that you're going to love it. It comes in titanium, carbon fiber, aluminum, and over a dozen different styles and colors. Get 10% off today with free worldwide shipping and returns by going to ridge.com slash kiltony. That's ridge.com slash kiltony. Use the code killtony link in the description so they know that we sent you. Caveman coffee is delicious. They have a bunch of great things happening. Habiscus tea. Try that tea. You like hibiscus tea, man.

That's a great refresh. Like, put it on ice. I mean, they've really gotten me through this quarantine in an amazing, amazing way. You know, especially early on, all the coffee shops were closed. After the looting happened in my neighborhood, the coffee shops were closed. Are they opened back up yet? No, they're open now. Oh, cool.

They're open now that they fixed all of the glass doors and windows. Yeah, I drove down your street the other day. It was shocking how many places were boarded up. Like, you see it on the news, but you're really nothing. Basically, we've like recovered. It was like a week ago. Oh, yeah, but still, it's like you should have seen the next day. It was insane.

Yeah. I couldn't like, even if it was a movie set, I'd be like, this seems unrealistic that this much damage would happen. Anyway, who cares? We're not talking about that because it drives me crazy what happened. Yeah. But things are better now. But the caveman coffee got me through it. Go to caveman coffee.

co.com, something like that. And Google Caveman Coffee. Yes. And use the promo code Kill Tony, save, I believe, 20%. Yeah. And if you buy it, you know, take a photo and send it. Or tag Tate Fletcher. You know, Tate.

Right. That's his company. Tag Kiltone. Tag Tate. And that reminds me, a lot of people have been tagging their brand new candles that have sold out, but they are refilling them. Yes. Hinch me, I'm dreaming, have sold out at damn good co.com.

That is the damn good candle company, and they are damn good candles. A lot of people have been buying the eucalyptus, a.k-a-a-bothole smell candle. Hinch me, I'm dreaming. Damn good co.com for that. Other things are happening, too. But we're here for Kill Tony. It's an exciting time. And do you know if, oh, because we're going to be in Miami next month, I think the 31st or 30th or something like that, do you know if those shows are sold out or did they just take the tickets from when they were sold out earlier?

I don't know. Yeah. I don't think they're sold out. We're going to be there in a month. We're a little over a month. That's true. And in Austin, we're going to be in Boston and Houston, Texas, doing four Keltonies in Houston on the 20th. That's exciting.

Dallas, the 27th, Fort Worth, the 28th and 29th. Some of these are stand-up shows, by the way. I get them all confused, which is Kill Tony and which isn't. So just Google it. Actually, no, you can go to Tonyhencliff.com. I've completely revamped my website, finally. And there's a little button you can push to see which ones are stand-up shows and which one are Kill Tony shows.

It's pretty nice. There's icons. They make it clean and clear and under control. Salt Lake City in September, Moon Tower in Austin, Texas with Kill Tony. That's a big one. September 17th. Toronto with the Queen Elizabeth Theater. September 29th.

And then, middle of October, chaos. It's the Road to Kill Tony Mania, Bakersfield, Sacramento, and three nights in San Francisco. Yeah. I'm still scheduled to do Madison Square Garden and Boston Garden in October. I think that's still. On top of all those dates? Yeah.

We're like gone almost every day in October. Yeah. Now, that's my normal schedule is every weekend. So that's very exciting that hopefully in October I'll be back to that. What are you going to do without having any Vito's pizza? I'm going to eat it on Mondays. I come back on Mondays and I eat it here. We're still doing Kill Tony on the Monday.

We're not missing a Monday through all that chaos. Very exciting stuff. And through all that, I am doing another show, an introspective on roasting called Roastmaster Class available at my brand new Patreon. In fact, check this out. This is what people get if they are on the highest tier after three months. You get a bumper sticker, proud student of Tony Havis. Hinchcliffs Roast University.

Look at that. You should put that on your Corvette. I do. I have three on my Corvette right now. I have bumper stickers all over my Corvette. Anyway, let's get into the show. In a stunning turn of events, there will be no Jeremiah Watkins or Joel Bergberg, Joel Jimenez, tonight for relaxation reasons. They're doing their own thing.

Oh, I thought you might for us. Oh, no, yeah. It sounds like heaven. Yeah. It should be interesting to see what the energy of the room is like without those gobbledy gooks. Is that the word gobbledy gooks? I don't think you're allowed to say that anymore. No, it's the, that's the chicken.

No, yes. The gobbledy gook is the chicken from WWF, by the way. There was a famous character called the gobbledy gook. It's a chicken from WWF. They had this big debut. They were teasing for weeks. They're like, there's this egg, and we don't know what it is. And eventually, it's like one of the all-time worst professional wrestling characters to ever happen famously.

Because there was just an egg in the corner of an arena. And then it hatched. Really bad production. If you're really bored, Google it at some point. YouTube that. The gobbledy gooker. Actually, that's what it was, the gobbledy gooker. Okay, it doesn't matter.

But we do have one band member that was. able to make it. You know her, you love her. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's band leader, tonight's backbone of the band and the only person in the band tonight. One of our favorites,

the great and powerful Jetsky, Jesse Johnson. It's the Kiltoni band. Whoa. Hey, what's up? Hey, what's up? You are a Latina woman? Hey, I'm Felicia Jimenez.

I'm Joel's little sister. What? Lisa Jimenez. That's awesome. I'm so glad you could make it here. Yeah, good to be here. I've never even met you before. What do you do?

I'm a big fan of the show, and I love to skate. I love that. Okay, Felicia. Man, you're going to be carrying the weight of all three band members tonight, so this is exciting for you to be here. Your brother couldn't make it. Yeah. We'll explain why on a different episode of the show.

And it's exciting stuff. So Felicia, very good. Hang 10. Heck yeah. You skateboard. Yeah, I love it. You've been doing that your whole life? Yeah, right out the womb.

Just flipped an alley out of that pussy. It was sick. So here we go. We got Felicia Jimenez, and let's start the show. Let's just get right into it. Our first submission comes from Drew Williamson. So here's a minute from Drew. Here's Drew Williamson.

I'll be playing the drums tonight. Here's Drew, everybody. Hello. I'm a spaceman D. Willie. Coming to you live from space. I like to write jokes and leave them floating around the capsule on Post-its. Oh, hang on a second. Let me fix something on the cat.

Give me a second here. Ah, hang on. Get him. Get down. All right. Back to the joke. I'm so dope. I have Puma Insurance. Let's try this one here.

I'm very white. When I first heard NWA, I took it straight to the police. Oh, let's try this one back here. I'm worried there might be inbreeding in my family. My mom keeps calling me, Aunt Amy. Let's try this one back here. I'm so old, I fall asleep during porn surf. during porn searches.

And that's actually true. That's kind of true. Okay. I got one more joke. Oh, great. The aliens are here again. Williamson, what an awesome creative submission. That was awesome.

Sick. Oh, great. I'm so glad to hear that. I love that. There was literally like five times during that in which I'm like, there's no way, right? Like, it kept getting me. Like, I'm like, I'm looking at the floating pieces of paper.

I mean, my goodness. Yeah, actually, I've been watching a lot of the space station footage. They have it streaming on YouTube, and I just go to bed with it because it's so peaceful. It's just like no sound, it's like small breathing sounds. That was awesome, man. Great job. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I appreciate it. What part of Oregon or eastern Washington are you? And what kind of bike do you have? Boning in from San Francisco. It's either San Francisco or north of there. Am I correct? I have a New York City, Queens, New York. Wow, I was completely wrong as it gets.

I'm kind of a loop. I'm kind of, yeah. Okay. So you're in the actual city. A folding bike. A folding bike? I'm in Queens, New York. I'm just outside of the city.

Wow, that is incredible. I had never seen anyone from Queens that looks like they're building multiple bombs at the same time while living their normal life. I hate to admit it, but if anything's gadget-oriented, it's coming out of this front 10 by 12 of my apartment right now. Heck yeah, man. Do you keep the green screen up all year long? Do you like YouTube videos or something?

Well, it's just incredible to be on the show, guys. But I actually appeared at the Gramercy Show with Mark Norman, and I was second. and it has changed me. Ever since I was on. Well, I was on a path of about six months. I caught up with you guys over that previous winter. And I've been sitting and writing jokes and trying to think of entertainment stuff.

And as soon as a quarantine hit, I dove in all the way as I could. and I'm developing with friends and brothers a podcast possible and I've just been diving into green screening because all my programs let it work so I've always wanted to do and I've been writing music for years I've been wanting so on this quarantine I've thought of a big project for me to do with the house is just to make music videos of all the songs that I like. So I've been going down the list, trying to figure out what I want to do. And naturally, you guys announced send videos and that's all I do now. It's like a part-time job now and you guys are the best. I would say I'm pretty close to super fan. And yeah, guys keep it up though.

You've gotten so good at that, man. I mean, that's incredible for someone that just started doing that to have a submission like that. Again, there was, I mean, it was only for about a half a second because I'm a very, very smart, aware human. But you kept getting me. Like, I'm like, there's no fucking way this guy is. Right. Because it's also somewhat of a possibility. There's a chance that perhaps an ass who I guarantee if there's any astronauts that listen to podcast, I guarantee a Rogan would be one of them.

And maybe there's a trickle down effect there. Part of the Rogan family. And I've done a lot of green screen stuff. And you had a really good. Like, it was very believable. Like, I couldn't see the lines. Your lighting was perfect and everything like that. Ironing.

A hundred percent ironing. I happened to iron for that. And it's just being tricky with the lighting and everything. But, but yeah, it works really well. I suggest everyone who does Zoom to just turn on green screen stuff. You can put your own pictures green screen and everything. The green screen. Yeah.

I got to say earlier before the show, Gage told me that one of the submissions, was super nerdy, and I just can't wait to see who that was. It's interesting to me. One thing that you said here really stood out to me, which is you said that you've dived into writing a lot, which I find interesting. And, you know, it's, I've found that a lot of conversations with people throughout this thing is like, yeah,

I just started writing. I just, I always wanted to do that. And it's interesting because all the people that haven't done a lot of stand-up are now writing like maniacs through this time and all the people with experience that have been doing it forever are at a complete

blockade. Like, you know, I can write roast jokes and I can write screenplays or show ideas or jokes, but when it comes to my stand-up comedy, my process is starting with the

simplest, shortest, shortest form of the idea trying that on stage and then writing tagging that from on stage so i literally almost have completely nothing uh compared to i mean i have things that i have to try but nothing that i believe in whatsoever at all until i try it because that's step two of my process i got that's what is so uh it's amazingly scary i mean just emailing a simple one minute video was like enormous for me. So it's a big leap and I'm enjoying it. I got offered to do a spot this this week at a real comedy club.

And I was thinking, is it even possible to do any of my old bits anymore? Because it seems like you can't even, you have to talk about more of what's going on now. You can't just be like, I'm just going to act like everything's normal. Like it's weird. I kind of want to try it because I have been writing. But I also, it feels like everybody's all the, I just wanted to know if like all the comics are just going to be all talking about the same shit and then you're just going to be like uh this is well i mean you have to decide whether you want to be topical on that right or uh be a distraction from that yeah

i just want to skate man that's it delisia don't give up but so drew what were you doing for work before all of this started so um i'm a uh stage hand on broadway and i work backstage um and i've been in theater since college, so since about 1990, and I've mostly done construction, backstage work, and backstage prep for regional theater around the St. Louis area. My wife and I both being in theater decided to make the leap to New York, and we've been here for 16 years now. You work on any big Broadway productions that we would know about? Book of Mormon. Hey, that's right. That's so wild. How long have you been working on that? Approximately three and a half years. So we have

had a small talk about that when I went on the show last summer. Okay. Yeah, because we found out that Tony was up for the role of the main guy. At one point, yes. Right. The greatest, all-time, one of the silliest stories I have up my sleeve in this crazy, crazy life. I'd love to, I'd love to hear. I'd love you guys to hear if you guys are willing to put up with another minute. Absolutely. Why not? You've taken us to outer space. Let's see what's next. The Bar Height Bench song, if they could pull that up. My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday. And I said, I want, I want Bar Height Couch.

Not a short couch. Not a short couch. Why would you do that to yourself? That sounded like Bill Nye, like rapping about, like, his project that he's doing today. He's been doing comedy for nine minutes. He's already trying to kill himself off here. Right, right. If I could just do one more thing, if you could play the worst song of all time for you. So one last thing I think you're going to love, you know.

I think a big part of comedy from what I read is leaving them on a big laugh. That's actually one of those songs that would go really good if you had a music video, though. Like it would be perfect for like a music video. Yeah, so that song came up just the past couple days. and I just decided to throw it on, put it on, and you guys called me tonight. So I was planning another kill-tony minute, and I was seeing what the first one was going to do.

So anyway. Oh, man. That was awesome, man. Drew, I demand that you submit again soon. We got to put him on the auto roll. However much longer of these studio sessions we have, him, Manolo, and the other guy. You remember that other guy? Sure, he's thrilled being called the other guy right now.

Moment to shine. But anyway, you know, but make sure you're patient. You know, stay creative. Don't just rush it. We don't want to just see another music video next week. Okay. All right. I like your style.

Ruth, thank you so much for your submission. So cool. Thank you guys. Stay in touch. Drew Williamson, everyone. There he goes. He's on SoundCloud. For those of you that liked his song, go follow him on SoundCloud, which reminds me while

we're talking about music apps. Now is a great time to make sure that, you know, if you're on Spotify, subscribe to Kill Tony on Spotify. Get used to it. Yes. Get used to listening. Never know what the future is going to hold. Anything can happen in the future.

And if you subscribe now on Spotify, you might be ahead of the curve. Also, make sure that you go to YouTube and subscribe there. We're so close to 100,000 followers on YouTube. It's crazy. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your next submission comes from a young lady named Cassidy Weigar. Casey Cassidy Weigar, here we go. I told my husband that if he dies first, I'm going to have to keep his

corpse in a deep freezer beside our bed. It's for nothing weird. Just gonna fuck him every once in a while. The best unsolicited dick pick I've ever received is from a 55-year-old vacuum salesman. He was laying on his bed seductively and had just come all over himself. I had no choice but to photoshop my sister into there to make it look like she was sucking his dick.

This leads to the worst unsolicited dick pick I've ever received. it was of my sister suckner boyfriend's stick followed by a video now the video two out of ten production quality shit

looked like dead fish was given a blowjob she does not have a career in porn anytime soon but I give her credit for even trying when I asked her why she sent that to me she said just because she could

which leads me to vowing to send her a video of a video of a me fucking the corpse of my husband. Wow. There's a lot there. Hello, Cassidy. How are you?

I'm well. How are you? Good, good. You're the first person to send a submission while performing, laying down on a picnic table. They're the best blankets. I guess so. Heck yeah.

So, Cassidy, have you ever done stand-up before? Never. Where are you at? I'm from. Calgary. Oh, okay. I love the reader. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They have their internet in Calgary is Canadian. It's apologetic. Yes. Yeah. We still have sound. Cool. What do you do in Calgary?

What do you do for work? You're the wife of an oil miner? No, he works in restoration. I'm a stay-at-home wife right now. Oh, stay-at-home wife. You have kids? No. You're just a stay-out.

at home wife? What does that mean? What does that mean? She's a lazy bitch. A do nothing Canadian? I clean the fucking house. You what? I clean the house. Yeah. You know what? Who else can clean the house?

Is a maid if you got a job. Well, I've never been COVID. Oh, because of COVID. How about before COVID? What were you doing before COVID? Nothing. Oh, my God. What is up with you? Are you a job? But they called.

called me the day before I was supposed to start and canceled it because of the whole pandemic. Well, they must have found out about your work ethic. You know, it is what it is. Have you ever worked? Have you ever had a job? Yeah, yeah. I used to work at a liquor store for the oil field. Actually, Felicia Jimenez once worked at a liquor store.

Is that true? You told me. Wow. Did I? Wow. Can you guess which cast member spent 15 years? Here's at Second City. Back to you at the studio.

Hey, wow, you really are a Jimenez. Really roll with the punches. No, it's good. Oh, he does do that. That's so funny. That's what he does when he flickers out. And then he grabs the mic. So are you, you seem pretty nervous.

Are you locked in a basement? Just blink twice of your safe. I can't feel my arms right now. Let me ask you this. Is your husband insecure? Does he not want you to work because maybe he's afraid you'll meet someone there or something? Who knows? I don't know.

I should ask him. Ah, you see that? That's a little fucking, that's a good. You get a lot? What? Oh, he'll watch later. He'll find out. Oh, okay.

All right, good. I don't want to get you all beat up over there. I know those guys in Calgary can get a little rough. Hello. Hello, my darling. Hello, my baby. Hello, my sugar pie. When pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime.

Okay. So, Cassidy, you said that you would freeze your husband, keep him next to your bed, and have sex with him still. Yeah. Why would you do that? Well, I'm assuming I'm going to be really old when he dies, so why even bother to go find, like, another old guy? They're going to be on death store anyways.

Yeah, don't you want a new deal? Dick, though? I mean, now's your chance. Why? If he dies, you'd have to get a job, wouldn't you? Maybe. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure if you fuck a frozen dick, your pussy's going to get stuck to it, like that kid in the Christmas story.

Yeah. You're going to rip a lip. Frozen dick, the old coxicle. I'm old anyway, I hope. What do you think is the most Canadian thing about you? Other than the amount of vitamin D. You have running through your veins right now. Very pale.

Yeah. Snow white. I come from like near the Northwest Territories. So are you there bears around where you live? Yeah. You see them a lot? Well, I seen a grizzly bear the other day. Wow.

Yes. That would qualify is exactly what I'm talking about. 100%. What was the grizzly bear doing? You're just eating some berries like they do. I love, she's talking to me like, I'm in. We don't see.

We've never seen a bear in our life. What do you mean there? You don't have the Gracely Bears there in Los Angeles? I heard they've been really causing a storm. They've been looting. That's why they're called bears. They ate all those berry. That's true.

That's why they're called bears. Do you have any? Yogi bear. Yeah, they just got that up there, didn't they? Do you have any pets? Do you have any animals there? Yeah, I've got two dogs. Two dogs. What are their names?

Lucy and Nacho. Whoa, can we see Nacho? Yeah, are they around? Where's Nacho? They in another room? Okay. Good dogs. They do.

That's how you get a Canadian dog to come to you. Come on now. Come on now. Come on, Nacho. What are you doing? Jesus. Oh, my God. They're out there with the bear.

Meets me. I don't know. Oh, my goodness. Wow, a dog, both dogs. hate you. They're stay-at-home dogs. They... Oh.

Through the computer, yeah. Cassidy, what's an incredible fun fact that would shock us about you or your life? Some perhaps special skill or talent or story or something or traumatic experience that has happened to you at some point or something compelling? Well, my whole life's been a traumatic experience, essentially. But when I was working at the bar, I went to change the toilet paper once. and I walked in on one of my clients like air drying her vagina with the hand dryer.

She had nothing on. Why was she doing that? Because they didn't have toilet paper in the stall. Oh, I gotcha. I got you. She was air drying her vagina with a, yeah, that's like Canadian 9-11 right there. That's like the biggest story.

Oh, did you hear about the time they ran out of toilet paper up at the bar on Poughkeepsie Street and the lady had to air dryer vagina. What would happen if like if you got it made a good seal on the vagina and the pussy lips and like turn it on? Would it fill up? What the fuck? What the fuck, man? For one week you're asking about to gay guys like loose assholes. Would it stop?

No, it wouldn't fill up the vagina. What do you think it's like a hot air balloon? No, but you think they're going to fly away? But would the hairdrider just start backing up or would, like, it would have to go somewhere? It would just be the biggest quiff of all the time. It would just be Queef City. Oh, Red Band. You already used your fart.

You're only 34 minutes into the episode. I was excited. You really blew your, blew your quefe. All right. Well, Cassidy, fun times. Thank you for your submission. Love your hair. Absolutely.

Thank you. You have a great, great charisma to you. It's like if Taylor Swift, you know, didn't have a talent, you know what I mean? It's like a Canadian Taylor Swift. You know, thank you, I guess. All right, Cassidy. Seriously, thank you so much. And we'll see you hopefully next time we're in Calgary.

There goes Cassidy Weeger, everybody. Thank you, Cassidy. Bye, bye. Those dogs are going to get beat. It is so weird when you're like, do any kind of slightest mean thing to somebody on video because they're just sitting there going. I know. Well, thanks.

Literally my least favorite thing in the world. We have found out completely that I do not like making fun of people via the Internet. There is no reward, no risk. But anyway. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, one of our regulars, a brilliant, brilliant mind,

a beautiful face, the one the only, William Montgomery is here. What's that, Bitt? Hi, William. What's that, Bill?

William Montgomery. Newsflash Sting defunded the police years ago. I watched the movie The Fly recently, what are the odds? Can you imagine

if now you had George Floyd's counterfeit money? That money is now worth more than it never was in the first place. Does this mean I have to throw away my Confederate flagged dog collar I make my daughter wear? I heard

George Floyd's last words were to make change for a 20. Oh my God. Oh my goodness There you go William Montgomery is now He has There you go

There's William Montgomery There's William How are you doing Hey I just I just want to first and foremost Say the guy that used to go out With Erika I just want you to know

I'm fucking her in the butt now You piece of shit You used to stalk her You went out with her three years ago, you piece of shit for two fucking months, you left fucking notes on her goddamn car with rose petals. How much of a faggot are you? Oh, my goodness gracious.

Do we bleep that? Is there a delay there to protect something? Yeah, my buddy from England. That's right, yeah. Mario, you got something coming from here. You got an open invitation to a nice cock fest, yeah? You know, watch my... Yeah, Mario.

What you go? Mario, you want to watch me fuck her? Give me a thousand bucks. Is that her? Is that the girl? Is that Erica? I've never seen her before. Is that what she looks like?

She's terrifying. It's an Englishman. What are you talking about? That's great. It's great to be hanging out with Russell Brand during this time. You are the least quarantining person I've ever fucking seen through this whole thing, Will you? Yeah, I've been sick as a motherfucker, dude. Yeah.

I've been sick as a motherfucker, dude. How do you went back to work this week, huh? Yeah, you can say that. Tell us about it. What do you know? He's so angry. Tell us about how work was this week, William. Yeah, it was a bunch of people watching the color purple.

I don't like that movie. Oh, my goodness. That reminds me. Do the math on that one. You still have new. Oprah? We're like okra. I like fry.

Okra. Wow. I think you're the first person ever make an Okra- Oprah joke in the history. You told me to say that. Come on, man. Take credit for that.

Well, that was 25 years ago when the movie came out. But William, I will say You did it. You don't like blacks. Okay. All right. Very, very compelling.

William, you're just looking for a black lady. Black lives matter. Oh my goodness gracious. William, I love your sting defund the police joke. I absolutely love your George Floyd's money is worth more than ever. You have created two amazing George Floyd jokes about his money. That is very, very cool that you've done that.

Yeah, it's a part. I mean, there's all these protests going on. I think people forget the real reason. Why the cops killed him. He was there. He was in counterfeit money. Okay. All right.

He's, this is... I'm kidding. My dad uses counterfeit money. I'm kidding. I know. I was going to say you're kidding, too. I'm glad you.

I'm cool with that. Very good. Absolutely, William. That's good. I'm really cool at that. How have y'all been doing? We're good. We're good.

You wonder, you know, when comedy clubs do open back up, if there's jokes like what Williams. is talking about subject matter. I thought you were going to say if they'll let William. If clubs are going to be like, hey, no jokes. What do you just say, bitch? Because you're so angry. What comedy club would.

Yeah, I pissed. I can tell. That guy last week talking about good with my girlfriend. Yeah. Hey, news to the guy. I have a crush on him. I like how he looks. What's happening?

What's the, I like how that guy looks. What's the unfunny Englishman spraying on you? It's just engaging in his rage center, make sure this cuckle really gets his going, yeah? They're bad acting school in every country, huh? My goodness. Wow.

The, what you guys thought. That guy's worse than your girlfriend, man. Yeah, dude. Oh, my gosh, funny one. You bet? Thank you. I'm on hand. It's incredible how dark it has gotten behind you,

since we started this phone call a few minutes ago. It has, literally. All right, William Montgomery with another new submission. Is there anything else crazy we should, anything else crazy we should know about or talk about? Yeah, I like the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, what do you like about them? Leonardo, wait, Leonardo, where's your mom?

Okay, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you, William. Some white, whoa, Jesus, all right. Let's roll right into it, ladies and gentlemen. Here's Patrick Fairchild. Yes, Patrick Fairchild. As you guys know, I'm a hardcore Christian,

so I started a taxi service to and from heaven. It's going to be called Jesus Christ Uber Star. Every time I watch Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, I seriously consider adopting a small Filipino boy to help me navigate the jungle safely. I will never forgive you for this! That's an impression of me at nine years old, after getting skipped three times in a row by my father in a game of Uno.

Just a little update. I recently moved to Tupelo, Mississippi with my Aunt Carol. We've been squatting in an abandoned house on Elm Street. To be honest, it's been a nightmare. That's probably my best joke. Do you guys think I should get this checked out? Look at this. It's fucking the real William Montgomery.

Thank God. I was worried about that last. I just wanted to apologize for all the racist stuff I just said. I wasn't really me. It's incredible. And yet it has gotten even darker behind you since the last time I talked to. I like this one better. How far do you live from Los Angeles?

We'd really like to switch you out if we could. I'd like fresh prints. No one wants to. notice like when the mom's. Are you really in Mississippi? No, no, I'm in Lawrenceville, Georgia. Oh, okay. All right.

That's where you're born and raised? Raised. I was actually been in Canada. Canada, another Canadian. Look at that. So are you, you have dual citizenship? I do. My parents were doing mission work at the time, so I was only there for like

years, but I still get to have to have. that's pretty dope. That's great. That's great. You should go up there and have one of those free doctors check out that lesion on your chest. No, that's a third nibble, right? Is that a third nibble? No, it was actually something I did get checked by a doctor. It was a spot that I had, but just a keyloid after getting a pulled out.

So it's just how I scar, I guess. Wow. Incredible. What do you do for work? I work for a tech company. that we do like monitor and control systems for broadcasting equipment. So CNN, you know, NBC, ABC, everybody, all the equipment that used to send their signals to satellites and stuff we monitor and allow them to control it from one interface. Wow. Give us some of that.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, we just got bought by a company last year that has a global fiber network. And so a lot of the remote production that's been going on. And the big broadcasting companies has been using our hardware and software. So we did the NFL draft, how they had all the fans from each team from all over the world. They all had one of our boxes in their house. So it was pretty cool.

That's cool. Incredible. What's your living situation there in Georgia? I own a house out in the woods. Incredible. How far away from civilization are you? How deep in the woods are we talking? I'm probably 45 minutes north of Atlanta.

Wow, that's awesome. Yeah, so not too far, but. Do a little rocking chair action for us. Yeah, you're on your porch in Georgia on a rocking. 45 minutes north of Atlanta. So like in your neighborhood, what are the types of different races do you see of human beings? Well, if you consider other races, human beings, that is. Of course I do.

Unless they're dicks, you know. Right. But, well, we live in a county that's actually pretty broad. There's a lot of East Indian people, a lot of Hispanic people. So a lot of the schools represent, yeah. That's great. A lot of the schools represent, you know, like tons and tons of different places. But, you know, you get far enough away from the crowds of people and you get into the country a little bit.

How you've been surviving this quarantine? You've been doing anything special or new hobbies or anything or just still work in a normal life? well i just had a baby at the end of last year so right now i'm a stay-at-home dad that still works 40 hours a week at my job while my wife you see that someone tell that stay-at-home wife how you do it yeah this guy's working and being a father and he's a stay-at-home guy and he's Canadian yeah hey yeah we don't tell too many people out here that you know right yeah you want them to respect you You want them to respect you. But no, I did pick up a couple hobbies that I always wanted to do.

I bought an Alaskan chainsaw mill. And it's just I cut down a big 80-foot lob-lolly pine tree in my backyard. And it's a kit that you bolt onto your chainsaw where you can rip your own boards. So I've been making my own lumber. Oh, badass. Oh, goodness. Make your own boards, too? Wow.

Yeah, I make my own wood, dude. Heck yeah Speaking of chopping down a giant fucking trunk You can go to bluechew.com It's the promo code Kill Tony How funny is it that he looks like a lumberjack And he is a lumberjack

That's true That's true Right, right I actually I had no intent of doing it And I grew this beard And all of a sudden I was like, man I need to chop down some trees And get a diesel truck and start dipping

Yeah A lot of people don't know this But he actually whittled The rocking chair that he's rocking on right now. The whittler. If you're wondering, who whittled that? The ginger whittler. That's right. Wow. What else should we know about you? Patrick, any other crazy fun facts about Patrick Fairchild? Well, I've probably served more jail time than your average white fellow. Oh, tell us all about that. Well, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I, uh, I've probably served more jail time than, uh, your average white fellow.

Oh, tell us all about that. Well, I went to college at Georgia Southern University, and I, you know, there's not a lot to do out there except for getting trouble. So I was, I got, you know, I'm an entrepreneur. So I got onto the street pharmacy market, mainly horticulture. And I got in trouble with a couple, a couple big bags of stuff that's, Totally legal where you're sitting. Yeah. Jesus.

Isn't that ridiculous? How long would you spend in jail? Well, for that first charge, I was 20 years old. I did 90 days in a prison boot camp just for my original. So that, which was probably like the worst 90 days of my life. But then after that, I got put on five years of felony probation and subsequently violated my probation multiple times after that. I got a DUI. that I actually beat in court, but just because I got arrested while, I was on probation, I had to do six months.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Fucking from weed. Yikes. Yeah, yeah. And then a year later, I failed a piss test for marijuana, and they gave me nine and a half months in a prison work camp. Oh, wow. Look at you.

Jeez, oh, man, an unsuspecting prisoner. You're like Martha Stewart. And then a year after that, I'd been on. non-reporting probation. They called me the day after New Year's Eve and said I had to be in within four hours or they were going to put a warrant out for my arrest. And I called my brother, who was then an attorney and said, hey, you're going to need to fire up some paperwork because I'm about to burn the bottom out of this cup. So I got a better lawyer that time. So I actually got only seven and a half months for that one. But the day I left, my probation ended and I got to keep my first offenders

right because I got an attorney every time I violated and said, I will do your time. But your first offender's right means if you're, if you get through all your probation, they don't put a felony on your record. So God, you would have been better off to selling cocaine. That's actually what my lawyer said. He said, all this for weed, you should have just done blow like a grown up. Wow. Look at that. My goodness, would you learn in... I have any crazy prison stories? Yeah, I got a lot of them.

It's hard to drop the soap when you never pick it up. Yeah, funny thing is, is they had Irish spring soap in jail, so I always did that, and I thought maybe it helped me just a little bit for some reason. I don't know, give me some good luck. Indeed. But, I mean, a lot of fights, man. And I was at a work camp, so we were in dorms where there was 60 people in each dorm. I was on the bottom of a triple bunk.

So there's a lot of people crammed in a one room at one time. So every Friday night, like people that had beef throughout the week, like it was Friday night lights. So you got young kids, you know, different gangs, you know, mess with each other, like talking shit all week. And then we cook up a bunch of food and sit on the bumps and just bet on people kicking each other's ass, you know. Shit, were you a good fighter? My dad was, I mean, he still is a high school wrestling coach. Oh, yeah. So I never wrestled, but I had plenty of experience getting out of horrible situations.

A ridiculous advantage in his street fight is any wrestling experience. I made fun of my dad a lot when I was younger. But then when I got older, I was like, I let him know. I appreciated it. But I mean, I did a little over two years for all of it. And, you know, I got in probably three heavy fights. I mean, there was germishes, but, you know, it was never really anything I was doing. It was just sometimes you feel, you don't get too connected to people in there,

but you feel if there's a situation where you need to step in, you got to, usually it was a white guy, and I hated pulling the white card, but, you know, I was one out of four in a 60-person dorm. So if somebody started getting wailed on, scary thing is, it's like, you don't, want to help that guy and turn around and there's like eight dudes about ready to whip your ass so you kind of had to be picky uh so if people didn't deserve it i would try and get in there i guess that's wild man i can't even imagine that damn yeah but now i have i have my right to vote i own guns i got my passports you know i got a beautiful wife a little kid and i'm uh you know i got a career so absolutely you did it what's the legality of uh weed now there

Um, it's like, you know, it's down to, if you're in the city of Atlanta, you can get like a $75 ticket. But outside of the city where I am, I mean, you know, it's still anything over an ounce is. If anything that's a misdemeanor, you're going to jail. And they're probably going to take your driver's for like a year. Oh, my goodness gracious. Well, luckily you're out there in the woods. Doesn't seem like you have too many people that are going to bother you out there. So congratulations.

What an awesome story. of a fucking survival. You're one of the most prison, you're the most imprisoned Canadian I've ever heard of in my life. You little rebel you. Yeah, well, me with no facial hair and no hair on my head, I look very much a skinhead. So that was a little difficult to navigate for quite a while.

Heck, yeah. Well, you got it all now. Now you're a more likable version, the most likable version of William Montgomery. This is like if William got sober, got his life together. Yeah, you need to do it. like a scared straight with William. Yeah, that's exactly what we need to do.

The problem is if I hung out with William, we'd probably get into into too much trouble to begin with. Red Hat's got that fire, man. You can't stop. That's true. Once they get around each other, it just gets crazy. Please come to a show if you're ever near one of our shows, though, because that'll be great to have you be a William for sure. I'm positive.

I came out there last year, but it wasn't, like, I went for work for a couple days out at Fox, but I couldn't. get there on a Monday. I had to leave on a set. I saw, I saw Jeremiah at the comedy store. I went to the comedy store nights in a row. So I was, you know, I wanted to be there and be in it. It was something I always wanted to do. Definitely message us and let us know when you're coming next time. We'll set up something fun. Hell yeah. Sounds good. I almost put on like a big ammo jacket and no shirt, but I didn't want to be him the whole time like that's up. That makes sense. I get it. It sounds like a lot of weight to carry.

It is. It's big crocs to fill when doing William. All right, there you go. Ladies and gentlemen, Patrick Fairchild. Great stuff, Patrick. Thank you. That was great. That was great.

Yeah, we're flying through it. Let's just keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Rob Callahan. Here's a guy named Rob Callahan with his one-minute submission. Here's Rob. Before the pandemic started, I decided I was only going to poop at work from now on. I didn't care if it was Friday night. I'm waiting until Monday morning.

I'm gonna get paid for this shit. That's right, I like to poop at work. One day I was using the luxurious handicap stall at the work bathroom, and the only blind guy from my building came in with a seeing-eye dog and stood by the stall door. So I hurried up, I got out of there as quick as I could, and on my way out, I was like, sorry about that. He was like, no problem, so alright. Could have been worse. But it happened again the very next day.

He came in, stood by the handicapped stall door, I finished up as quick as quickly. finished up as quick as I couldn't. On my way out, I was like, sorry about that. I didn't want him to know it was me again. Yeah, I can be blind too. He doesn't know. Do blind people recognize each other?

Imagine two blind guys getting an elevator at the same time? So much in common. No idea. Imagine having to introduce two blind guys to each other. I'm not going to be the guy that brings it up. Rob Callahan, keeping it interesting, juggling some balls during it with the Kill Tony artwork behind him.

I like that. How are you doing, Rob? Hey, guys. I'm great. How are you? Good, good. You are in the New York area or D.C.? Boston.

Boston. Heck, yeah. Yeah, I went to the New York show. I was at the Grimacy with Big J. That's what I remember that. I remembered where that poster was from, and another incredible piece of Ryan J.E. Belt artwork. Yeah, that was a fun one.

Big J. Shane Gillis, Gramercy Theater. Did you get up that night? I did, yeah. Oh, cool. How'd that go? What happened? What did we find out about you?

It was good. See, I have a daughter. She was born when I was 19. Talked about that. I talked about Tom Brady a little bit. Things have changed since then, so I have different feelings about that now. Right.

Indeed. He's a resident of Tampa Bay, Florida. How's your daughter doing? She's great. She just actually graduated, eight grade today. She started high school. Wow.

Look at that. Look out. She's almost in red band's age range. Is there even high school now? You're the high school. Your place is the high school, right? Schools aren't open back to. It's online.

Yeah. Yeah, it's questionable. I don't even know. They haven't even told me yet. I'm not sure what's going to happen. What do you do for work on? A lot of different theories flowing out there. I do records information management.

It's kind of boring. Like what kind of records? Like for like lawyers and clients, you know, paperwork and file it, make sure that, oh, it's findable. Okay. This guy looks like Ryan Jay. That's how you perfect. You have a little brother, Ryan Jay? No.

Oh, shit. I offended Ryan. Ryan's mad at me now. Now the picture of me is going to look like that picture of Joel from a few weeks ago. I love it. So Rob, have you always been... Go ahead. I was just going to say another thing when we talked about last time was I'm a cornhole referee.

Oh, now I remember. That's right. That's how you spark. That's a good way to spark my memory. Not a great many cornhole referees have I dealt with in my life. Wow. So how about the juggling? Is that something that you've always done?

I learned that during the pandemic took a few days. But yeah, I got pretty good at it. What else have you learned? Did you started with juggling? You're like, this is something that I've always done. always wanted to do? No, my wife does it pretty good. She's done it.

She went to like clown school and she was much younger. She probably got to get an adult clown college. You're going to be a little more prestigious about the description of it. But I was just and I wanted to do it too. And so I quickly surpassed her as far as I'm concerned. Wow. Look at that. My goodness.

I know somebody else that tried to, that learned juggling during the pandemic. Like it's, that's an interesting thing because I've always tried to juggle and then just given up. I can't even imagine trying to get good at it. Wait, you tried something and then gave up at it before getting good at it? Have you tried to juggle? Yeah, I mean, sort of, yeah. Same thing. You know, you just did it a couple times like, nah. Well, it's just one of those things to me.

There's like no reason to get good at it. I don't know. I just have really no interest. Yeah, I have no interest in being able to juggle. Like, I mean, there's just... It took a YouTube video. It's wild because... In fact, it would be a very... short list if I could think of it of things that I have less than no interest in learning. I like learning.

I like, you know, I'll watch YouTube videos on things and, uh, you know, try to learn life hacks and this and that. Juggling would be on that short list of things in which I mean, truly, I do not give up. Literally a flying fuck. Yeah. About jugging. It's like ice skating backwards. I don't get it.

I don't want to do that. Oh. You're missing out. Or ice skate forward. I'm missing out. I think you know how to ice skate backwards. We got to see that when it happens too. The rollerblades, did you get your electric bicycle?

No, I might cancel my order. Whoa. Yeah, they're having a lot of problems with the company and people are sending them back and canceling their orders. They're breaking the people that have it. There's some trouble bound at Super 73. Oh, my goodness. What a shocking turn of events. Yeah.

The bicycle. I drive a scooter. It's really fun. You do? What kind you got? Yeah. Like a 50-cc roughhouse. Oh, cool.

Just got it last month. It's awesome. A rough house is a very tough sounding name for whatever. That angry scooter. It doesn't even have a... Does it make a noise? Yeah. What does it sound like?

right, right, right, right. Really? A scooter sounds like that? Pretty close, yeah. This bike I have, it's like a Tesla, or I'm trying to get, it's like a Tesla. It's like instant torque. So it's only supposed to go 20 miles an hour because that's legal for like street legal. But there's like a little way to hack it so it goes, you know, really, really fast.

Rob, has anybody ever told you that you look like an angry white woman with a beard? No. Like a Karen? A very smiley angry woman. It's like a hairy Karen. A heron. Have you ever called the police on somebody doing something? No, no.

Are you thinking to that lady with her husband? Oh, you've only seen one video. Wow, look at that. It's a hard worker indeed raising his kid out there working, doing it all. You do look like you could snap at any minute. Right under the service. What makes you angry? Right now, I mean, you know, a lot.

Yeah. Is there anything that we would be surprised, that it makes you angry for some reason, a pet peeve of yours? Oh, man, I wish I had thought about this more beforehand. But, I mean, when I'm on the T, well, you know, the train here in Boston, people that wear their backpacks. I deal with the trains a long time because I got the scooter. It's not a very fun answer, but that does just me out.

People that wear backpacks. that's so crowded. People that cross their legs and people that cross their legs there's one to go like, are you fucking comfortable? But I don't. You don't want them to cross their legs.

These are problems. It's a lot more space though. Okay, because it's so packed in there. Welcome to another episode of white juggler problems with Rob Pallin. I'm a crossing leg guy. Gosh darned backpacks on the train. Why can't you just carry the things in your arms?

All right. I feel like you have like a hobby. Like you have something that you collect, like either comic books or you're into World Warcraft. Yes. I love that you think that you're on to some amazing psychic powers. I just see I see I'm doing cosplay at Star Wars or something. I actually don't like Star Wars.

I'm one of the few. My husband likes me for that. Oh, what are you? He loves the Mandalorian. What are you? What's the narrative? Yep. Right now, I was actually going to promote my YouTube live stream of my bird feeder.

That's what I've been into lately. I've got a camera on my bird feeder. Yeah. Wow. Damn, Gage told me before the show that there was going to be someone really nerdy on the TV. I can't wait to see what it is. Is it live right now? Yeah, yeah, Rob Galehan on YouTube.

It's nighttime, though. There's no birds out there. Oh, I want to see this. So you just keep this on all the time, and you're just wasting your e-o'clock. internet upload speed for a bird feeder? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, we've got a couple of different Wi-Fi connection, so it's fine.

Wow. I want to see this nighttime video. We're looking it up. I think Gage is... Fun fact, a bird feeder is something that all the Karens have. Not a lot of people know that. It's the one common thread of all angry white women

is a bird feeder. So this also falls into the theory that you are actually. a white woman that perhaps has had some type of operation or you are taking medicines to become a man. Wow. All right. Oh, I see the, I see the rophouse. I see the rophouse.

There's a scooter. Wow. Got no birds right now. I can't quite see the bird. You get a better camera for it. It's going to be nice. Do you live in a corporate park? What is that?

He's in prison. Is it the prison? It's weird. I actually, I used to live. live in a neighbor, neighbors and houses that lived right next to mine, obviously, but they knocked them all down. Built a casino, like a giant casino across the street from my house. And my landlord was like, I'm not selling. So we're literally surrounded by parking lots with a casino across the street.

Weird. Do you play, do you play cards or anything? That'd be, oh, look. Oh, wow. It's a bird. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. It was a real life bird.

Hey, get out of here, bird. Don't eat it all. Oh, my goodness. This bird is looting. Uh-oh. Rob, thank you so much for your submission, fun times. He's on Instagram at Born A-H-H-A-H-L-A-C. Thank you so much, Rob Callahan.

You're welcome. Thank you. Oh, gosh. Oh, yeah, baby. Here he is. This is a guy that truly cares less than anybody about this global pandemic, hanging out with the whole crew, ladies and gentlemen, one of our favorite regulars of all time, the brilliant, the talented, great, David Lucas, everybody.

Hi, David. What a dude? What's happening, man? What's going on there? You guys shooting a music video? I hear it, man. I had to prove that I hate with black people, dog. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh. We got here, bro. We got, hey, we got Tray out here, bro. He out here kicking. Hey, we grew up together. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Mom.

Hey, Tony, I want you to see his bullshit out of the opposite. Hold up. Hey, hey, turn around. Turn around, take. Let us see the back. Oh, let me see. Turn around. Oh.

Look at that stupid ass shit. Oh, see him. Oh, that stupid ass shit. Look at that stupid ass shit. Oh. Hey, Tony, look at the pain. Look at the pain. Oh.

Everybody like a bottle of tap of you. I love that. What's your favorite kind of raisin? I know it's not your children. I love that. What? He said what's your favorite kind of raisin? He said what's the favorite kind of raising? He said he knows it's not the children. It would over your head. It's me. He didn't hear the joke. Hey, man, you got to set some black jokes.

Yeah, no, no, I don't know what I'm not saying that you eat. Oh, he's saying like my mother, brother. Yeah, bro. Yeah. Everybody told you to see you out here to get service. I ain't got service at my mama house on. Oh, shit. Who's that white bitch?

Hey, was that Wendy? You're hanging out with Wendy? Oh, this guy? No, no, the woman that just walked by. Oh, she's going into the bar, but this guy is from London, and he's a big fan of killed. Tony, Tony,

I'm pleasure, boys. How's it going? Wow. Look at that. A black guy with an English accent.

That's incredible. My goodness. Gracious. That's incredible. Hey, Tony, I know you saw the news that they shot another black guy at the fast food

restaurant, so I ain't fast food for two weeks. Oh, you boycotted fast food. We call that a Bob's big boycott. A boss.

I'm a big boy guy. Hell no. My goodness. I ate a Wendy's yesterday. I'm not even kidding. I went through the drive-thru a Wendy's yesterday. No one was there. It's the best, fastest time to eat at a Wendy's right now.

No one wants to eat there. I sped right there. Oh, shit. Who's that guy? Oh, my goodness. I feel like this guy's about to beat my ass through the internet. That's Buster Rines right now, Tony. Oh, they're going to get on you did.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh. Oh. Wow. God damn. God damn. This is the coolest

guy ever. Oh my God. He's like Goldberg with a fisher hat on. Wow. I thought I'd never get to meet. I thought I'd never get to meet the shadow of Kimbo slice.

Why he said he'd back the shadow of Kimbo slice? I love it. I love this, man. I'll be back. I'll be back next week, though, Torn. I love y'all. Hey, that guy's tripping behind you.

That's so funny. Oh, those, those are Ethiopian pirate. I'm trying to give him to talk about that. Oh, that's what you're going to be a pirate right now. There you go. You're Somalia? Yeah, no. Where you're from?

Oh, shit. I don't want to cause it. Everybody ain't friendly, Tony. I don't want to cause any problems. That's a party. So you're in Georgia right now? Yes, sir. I love it.

Where's Trey at? You guys already beat him up and put him in the trunk of a car? Hey, did you see it? He popped in. Hold up, yep. Come on, Trey. Hey, Trey. Hey, what's up, Trey?

Hey, guys. Look at those Trey's the camera. Why y'all ain't get on here? He was up. Wait, why is Trey there? Trey's hanging with David. That's cool. They're all kicking it.

We got it. We are out here, man. You got, I told you, I got to bring you out here, Tony. Oh, yeah. No, I know. Yeah, no, I know. I love it.

I love, I love the Trey's hanging out with a bunch of bunch of black guys. You guys must all get along because none of you ever stopped talking. Hey, Tony, we got to do a show in making or Atlanta, bro, because as soon as I walked into the bar, they were like, bro, you're the guy that got roasted by Donald Rollins. I'm like, God. Hell yeah. That's hilarious. Damn right. We've always had a big, big, very strong base in all the southern places, including Atlanta, Georgia, And I'm glad you're out there having fun. Stay safe out there.

Make sure the whole crew has a good night. And, uh, absolutely. Shout out to you, shout out to Trey. Absolutely. Just shout out to the whole crew there. Thanks for participating, guys. Rock and roll. See you guys.

All right. Bye, bye, bye. Bye, bye. I'm still scared of that guy. He's scary. There is that. Tray is there. I love it, man.

Trey's a, Trey's one of our very fun, I guess we could sort of call him a road manager. He just really is, you know, he's one of our friends who helps out a lot and is a cool positive guy. Is he there for work or is he? I don't know. He doesn't live anywhere near there. No, he lives in Philly, but I think he might just be hanging out. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along with this very suspicious figure.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is chuckle. Here's chuckle. This country is crazy right now. With the murder of George Floyd, we need heroes in America, like Dr. Martin Luther King. It wasn't for Dr. King and all the streets named Martin Luther King Boulevard, white people wouldn't know when they're in the wrong neighborhood. Because of Dr. King, black people have their own TV network where young and presentable white kids can learn to be cool.

Blacks and whites can now eat at the same breakfast counters, drink from the same. same water founts. It's been 40 years since his untimely death, and America got its first half-black president. Maybe in another 40, we can get a whole black one. Till now, we're stuck with an orange one. Fuck the 12. Black Lives Matter.

Wow. We absolutely fucking loves that. Martin Luther King Boulevard joke. Yeah, that was great. People wouldn't know when they, white people wouldn't know when they've been in the wrong neighborhood. That's a great joke. Hi, Chuckle. Hello.

How's it going, buddy? How are you? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good here. Quite the change of pace going from a crew of black guys outside of a bar in Atlanta to chuckle. It has a walking stick. It appears to be a, the leader, the final boss level. This is, if you play the video game Antifa, this is the boss, you have to.

be at the end. Is that a snake or a walking stick? Red Band has questions about your stick there. Yeah, that's a walking stick. It's actually a cane that I use because I have a dislocated hip. Oh, okay. Dislocated hip. So I hobble around.

All right. How'd you dislocate your hip? I was scrapping and I was holding a walking. washing machine and I dropped it on my leg. Oh, fuck. God damn. Yeah. Yeah.

That is a laundry load that you don't want for sure. Scrapping. You mean like going into abandoned places and taking all the copper? What do you mean by scrapping? Yeah, pretty much. My dad is tired and we steal what we can. My goodness. A washing machine on your leg.

And here I am joking about it. may tag that joke later. I may tag it. I may not tag it. You were probably in a whirlwind of emotion. My goodness gracious. Wow. So that's fun.

And Chuckle, where are you? I am in Seinfeld, Missouri, and I live in a halfway house. Oh, okay. Halfway. It's halfway between jail and the real world. Hey, I like that. We had a guy earlier that sort of looked like you that had been to prison multiple times. Yeah, I enjoyed that.

It's like the three stages of William Montgomery. He's the before. This is another. You could also join the scared straight William Montgomery episode that we're going to make as a special production. What did you go to jail for? Chuckle, if you don't mind talking about it. Oh, I, yeah. I actually came here straight from rehab.

Okay. I was drinking a lot and I came here afterwards to stay straight. Did the drinking... Yeah, I've been here since February. Did the drinking increase, especially after the hip injury? Yeah, I was drunk when I did it. Yeah. Yeah, that would do.

Yeah. Well, that's good. So you're sober? Yes. That's great. Congratulations since February. Yeah, I had one relapse. That's good. That's good. It happens. You're aware of it. You're living through it. That's great.

And especially during these crazy times, I mean, good Lord. I can't even imagine. So, must be wild. How else do you entertain yourself through these wild quarantine times? Well, I go around the city of Springfield, and since it was a, The quarantine, the whole streets are just ran by the homeless people because everyone would not come outside. So I know basically the whole homeless population. Do you know a lot of the halfway homeless population? Yeah.

Yeah, we're leaving out. That's cool. Homeless people have probably interesting stories and interesting perspectives on life. right? Yeah, they do a lot of them, and then there's the ones that are just out getting fucked up all day and picking fights,

shit like that. It gets a little dangerous. Yeah. But I got my wamping stick here. Yeah. Absolutely. Hell yeah. That's awesome.

You ever do any types of art or anything like that? You an artist of any kind? Or was this your first time taking a stab at stand-up? Is that it? Well, I do a lot of writing. Me and one of my friends get together and we write. And he performs a lot.

And I'm going to get in to stand-up also as soon as I'm allowed to stay out past 9 o'clock. Yeah. Absolutely. That's awesome, man. That is awesome. There's definitely something there's definitely something there. The way that you said that MLK joke. And it's especially hard to get laughs when your face is covered in a mask and things like that. You had some things going against you there, but you made us audibly laugh. It was really good. Yeah, I had a great time at the protest there. That was at one of the lulls in the protest. I've been going to all of them since it's really the first time that people are getting out of the house. Yeah. And, man, they could have been protesting cotton candy.

I'd have been out there, you know. Yeah, absolutely. For sure. No, nobody's protesting that. Nobody is anti-cotton candy here. That's for sure. I love it, Chuckle. Well, thank you so much.

Great submission. Great interview. Fun times, man. Thank you so much. Anything else crazy we should know about you before we go? I have schizophrenia. Oh, we knew that already, Chuck. We knew that.

You don't have to tell us that. No, I'm kidding. Go ahead. Well, yeah, I'm on disability. so I don't have to work. And I like to spend time riding motorcycles. So I used to be in a motorcycle club. Oh, cool.

And you ever ride a roughhouse before? I don't know what that is. It's a scooter. Oh, that goes, you know what? I actually kind of want to get a little 49-c-c-mot-c motor and put it on a, put it on a mountain.

bike and ride it around town. Yeah. Don't me around. 49 C Cs is good. I'm a 50 C.C. guy on Mario Kart. Ooh. It's like a low-up. I like to dominate the competition.

All right, Chuckle. Thank you so much. So fun. So interesting. Awesome talks, man. I love your honesty. And I love your fucking jokes, dude. That was a fun one, bro.

All right. Thanks a lot. Indeed. There he goes. Chuckle, everybody. He's on Twitter at Chuckle stalker. All one word. Chuckle stalker. Chuckle stalker.

Yeah. I'll take it. All right, ladies and gentlemen, oh, we actually know your next submission. She's been on the show before. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the dirty hippie comic. Kirsten Alberts, everyone. Here we go.

Kirsten, Kirsten Alberts. What does he know? First time I ever got to third. I was 17 and it was with my gynecologist. I was babysitting his kids at the time. Don't worry, he wasn't married, he's just a pedophile. But for real, the gynecologist that I saw was from India and people with accents get a little more leeway when they say something inappropriate.

So he was giving me a pelvic exam and I was in pain and he goes, wow, you are very very well, goes, wow, you are very tight. And I was like, yeah, maybe you shouldn't start with your fist. This isn't one of your bus rides in India, right? But he said the word tight, you know, it just felt icky. You know, like, guys, put yourselves in our position. Imagine you're a 17-year-old boy again, and a female doctor's face is right in front of your penis. And she just goes, wow, you're so huge.

All right, that doesn't work. Never mind. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. I love that little hipster slave boy. You have cooking your meal behind you. We thought it'd be funny to have him cooking eggs. Is he actually cooking? It looks like he's fake cooking. Whoa. Look at that. Heck yeah.

I love that. This is his biggest credit to date. Oh, I love it. Heck yeah, well, you can't get started without cracking some eggs. You know what I mean? What kind of eggs is he making? Got it eggs. Sunnyside down.

Whoa, sunny side down. Geez, what a depressing lifestyle you guys are living over there. That's a personal. My goodness, sunny side down. Yikes, that says a lot about, whoa, geez, enough salt already, sir. My God, whoa, whoa, what is that garlic powder? Oh, whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. We went from no jokes to no yokes. Whoa! All right. Well, so what's up, Kirsten? We know you. You've been on this show before you're in Los Angeles, right? I live in New York.

You what? I live in New York now. Oh, move to New York. No better place to be right now than New York. Is that true about the finger, the gynecologist, did they really, he really say that? Yeah, it's true. Wow.

That is creepy. What part of New York do you live in? I live in Brooklyn. Wow, my goodness. You ever see any rats around there, like Takashi 6-9 or anything? I see rats in the subway or like by the garbage. But I've never, only mice in the apartment. Oh, okay. Yes, all the great things about New York. There you have it. That's when everybody says it's a city that never sleeps. That's what they're talking about. What do you do for work in New York?

Well, I quit my job as a health insurance claims processor, and now I'm a barista at a coffee shop. Oh, okay. Brooklyn's finest right there. And how about the boy toy back there, the old egg maker? Yeah, that's just my roommate. Oh, sure it is. He's trying to get in, let's just say, you know, he's making sure your eggs are salty. Ready to be. Are you happy with the move?

Do you think you're going to move back, or do you like it out there so far? I like it here more than I like. It's a lot easier to meet people and get around, and I just feel like the vibe is less douchey. What part of L.A. did you live in? Los Gilles. Silver Lake.

Go ahead. Burbank. Oh, yeah. The douchey is a. You cheered about it. Come on. What part of Burbank? Burbank did you live in?

Dush Boulevard. Where? Dush Boulevard. It was actually Duce Circle, but close. Oh, well, no, where in Burbank did you actually live?

Alameda and Victory. Yeah, it was like right by there. Wow, I'm calling out, I see, I made up for my bad eastern Washington guest earlier. I'm calling out fucking cross streets now.

Wait, we were neighbors. Wow. You don't live that close to there, do you? Yeah, victory. It's pretty close. I'm glad I never ran into you. Jesus. Well, my goodness.

Sunny side down over here. Wow. So, Kirsten, interesting, interesting stuff. What does I make me feedback for saying something mean? When you guys mean things all the time. We're laughing because you said there's douchebags in Burbank and you lived right next to Red Van. That's why it's funny. We're laughing at Red Van.

It's rude. It's funny. So, Kirsten, that is very interesting. You paid a lot of rent there too, huh? It's not too bad, actually. I have roommates and a dog. How many roommates do you have there? Stop.

Sorry. It's okay. Is that Nacho? Did Nacho run to Brooklyn? That's why she wasn't able to summon Nacho in Calgary earlier. He ran to Brooklyn. We need to make a compilation of all these little moments where I lose my mind. Oh, wow.

Oh, hey, look at that. Dalmatian. My goodness. How old is he? He's two, but he's been excessively licking his paw, and that's why I yelled. Sorry. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

It's incredible. You're the comedian. Meanwhile, he has more spots than you'll ever have. Oh. Dalmatian comedy jokes. I got a hundred and one. Oh, my goodness, gracious. Give me a fucking audience, please.

Give me out of here. Me, Jesse Johnson. I'm great friends with Kirsten. We started in Arizona together. And I know I had to work character. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore. Kirsten, well, you guys know, she's been on the show, but she's hilarious. Yeah, absolutely.

We've had Kirsten on many times and always fun. This is honestly, you know, ever since she moved to New York, I think her comedy stock has dropped tremendously. No, I'm kidding, Kirsten. Oh, she's not laughing at any of this. I like how New York was easier for you to meet people during the quarantine than Los Angeles was. Yeah, no, that's great. You could tell by the coronavirus rates there, how easy it is to meet people.

Yeah. Do you know a lot of people that have gotten sick? Just like friends of friends. I don't know anyone. Actually, that's not true, but he doesn't live in New York. He lives in Arizona. that. It seems to be the general consensus of this disease.

They might as well name it the Friends of Friends disease because those are the only people getting it. None of my friends. Yeah. It's a conspiracy, I think. All right. Well, fun times. You know anybody that's ever taken a blue chew before?

Do you want to? A what? A blue chew. It's a male enhancer that gets you ready to go. It's chewable. That's gross. Oh. It's like a bone pill.

I love it. All right. Well, fun times, Kirsten, Alberts. It's good to have you on the show again. Thank you so much for submitting. Fun times. Good jokes. And we'll see you soon.

All right. Good times. Hi, Jesse. Kirsten Alberts, everyone. What is this? Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. Here it is the chosen one, the perhaps the most powerful regular in the history of the show, a man that needs no introduction, yet I gave him one anyway. Here he is, Michael Lair.

Here he is, Michael Lair. There's so much to teach and learn about race. But all want to know why Puerto Ricans allow you. to say the N-word. I don't understand. I mean, I don't want it saying. It's not like if they say it, I should. No, I don't want anything to do in it.

I don't think anyone should say. I mean, it's none of my business who says it. I'm trying to understand why Puerto Ricans are allowed to say the N-word. We gotta stop treating black people like shit. That's why every white lady is uploading every picture of very African-American they know to amplify their voice. My question is, what happens?

when they run out of pictures. Are white ladies getting together and trading pictures of African-American Americans and amplify like coupons? Can you buy African-American samplifying jumble packs? And what happened? I thought white ladies were the reason Trump got elected.

How about instead of amplifying African-American voices, you go find those white ladies and you put them in the headlock? Black people have been systematically oppressed since we brought them to this rock, and we also steal their shit like rap music. That's why I'm not going to try. be a rapper anymore. My name was Ryan Bedpane. Hey. Ryan, Bedpan.

Raw, whoa, Redpan. Raw, ro, Ryan, bedpance. Ro, Row, Ryan, Bedpain.

Raw, Ryan, bed can. Oh, That's a good song. Ryan, Bedpan. My in bedpain.

My bedpain. Yeah. What's up, motherfucker? Hey. Brian, so you know, it says we look alike. So I thought for my rap name, since I'm disabled, mine bedpan. was perfect.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, do you use a bedpan sometimes? No, not yet, but let's see by volume 5 of mine Ebert's book. That's where the over-under is on this. Yeah. You already have a bell phone. I'm a betting man.

Let's have every prop bed possible on this guy. I love it, absolutely. Hey, I have a question. Go right ahead. Brian Redman, how much effort do I have to put in to your show for you to return a fucking Text message. Team Mobile's been down all day to day. Read the last one.

Read it. Oh, shit. You better read that. Uh-oh. What does it say? Please send notes. Ryan has problems reading. I don't know if you've ever heard any of the ads on the show, but.

Yeah, well, he wanted to, he had a question about when, uh, when we start doing a live show again. Read the last one. Read the last one. What is it said? When did you send this message? Friday. Friday?

Friday? Okay. What the last one? Why is that hard? You're asking on a day in which all cell service gave out in Los Angeles. So it is sort of weird because if this is a joke and it ends up being like, hey, I need something. I don't know.

All my jokes are grinding in reality. All my jokes are grinding in reality. That's true. I'm sorry, Michael. Okay, so the last text was Friday at 9.04 p.m. Okay, anything that say Chittendale dancers would dance to? What? That's it.

You want him to play something like that? For my new entrance music. Oh. When we go live. Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah, that's why you don't respond. Because I was like, okay.

Why? How hard do I have to work for you? Yeah. For you to see me with respect. A little harder. Also, Friday at 9 p.m. is like prime hammock time. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Hey. Hey, by the way, Felicia, how about a green, dry Cuban? We make a bunch of megalitos. Yeah. Whole litter. Yeah. Yeah.

You're Tony. Uh-huh. All right. Now before the show, a guy pointed the gun in me twice, and I recorded it. I actually, it's funny you mention that, the Great Gage Tiarina here at Betterbox Studios, along with the great Anthony, strange taste and Gage Tereena. Gage showed me the video and my mind was completely blown.

Whoa, let me see this. He got truly assaulted on, I mean, a gun pointed at him twice. I guess that's assault. Can we play it? It's so awesome. Let's play it. This is real. Shot by Michael Larry. You could tell by the camera

shakes. Who are you? Here he is. I believe he was on the show earlier. I believe that's chuckle. Just kidding. Just kidding, Chuck. Show me the clip action. Show me the clip action, he said.

Oh, no, you did it. Show me it was awesome. Show me. Party pooper. Oh, no, you didn't. Party pooper, set them off. Show me. Oh man, brightening.

It's not a bad word. Like we were having sun and now we're not. You see what, man? You know me? Double birds. Though you won't see those at the guy's bird feed are online. No doubt. Always all day. No down.

Oh. Oh, here it comes. Oh, my God. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm my school party pooper. I throw the party pooper. I'm a shit, buddy. That's fucking psycho.

Yeah. No, I'm just being a matter of fact that I ain't shit. Dude, if you're a finger, Wow. And he starts looking in a car. Wow. That is incredible, Michael. What the fuck?

My goodness, you are a fucking rock star, dude. Yeah, bro. You're goddamn, yes, it does. You're like the 50 cent of Kill Tony history. Yeah. Did you call the police about that and send the video to him? Yeah, I was holding him in Tony. it turned like I saw him up the block

and I knew that cops were coming so I was stalling him and right after you walked away a cop came blazing bar It is incredible If you ever need to stall a man with a gun You just call him a party pooper as he walks away And he will walk right back to you

That's fucking scary Yeah I'm not scared of anything. Like, it was like, um, six slacks or what are you calling in Ohio? Cedar Point. Kings Island. Yeah. Why would you say Kings Island?

Just that, because we have two of the best amusement parks. Kings Island is not one of them. It's still pretty good. It's not. No, don't ever do that again. Remember when they're in a barbara? If people say Ohio, you say Cedar Point. Oh, yeah.

Well, you already said it. That's like saying who's that great football team that plays college football in Ohio and being like, you're talking about the Cincinnati Bearcats? The Sips of Akron? The Penguins of Youngstown State? The Clippers. It's Cedar Point. Anyway.

Hey, are you guys done or can we get back to me? I'm a very big Cedar Point loyalist. You have to understand. I was raised on Cedar Point. I know. I did it a girl. who is like in love with seat of porn more than me.

Yeah, no, that makes sense. I mean, your chair goes pretty fast, but it is no top thrill dragster, you know what I'm saying? Right, right. They have rides that go 240 miles per hour. Right. I understand.

I mean, even with this horse cock, I can compete with that. Heck yeah. Girls also must be a certain height to ride that. That's for damn sure. No. No. Oh, any height is good. Oh, yeah.

Would you have sex with a midget, girl? Oh. Dude, you know I'm going to do porno, and there will probably be with someone who's disabled in some way. Oh, I love this. I need an only... I will be your first only fan subscriber for sure. That is going to be great.

I hope you do follow through with that. I will watch you fuck anything, Michael. Hope? Literally, I've never been foolish about anything. That's why you guys love me. That's true. The only thing foolish shit is your future bedpan coming, volume 5. Hey, Tony.

Yeah. If we're going to hang and play the wraps, you can. Can't bring up my shannon. Okay. Deal, dude. You get to call out all the shots. Let it be known in the history of this show. Michael gets to make any rules.

He gets to do whatever he wants. It's free reign. No. I love all you so much. Yep. And tonight was a great episode. Oh, thank you. Yeah.

And um, fucking polisha. That is fuck. I love Latina chicks. Hell yeah. That's a real Latina right there. Well, Michael, we love you more than anything in the world. You're a goddamn saint. I was telling people earlier at a pre-show hang.

How much I adore you and love you. I say it every episode here. I talk about it with everyone that is a part of my life throughout the week. and you're an inspiration and just truly one of my favorite comedians on the planet. You know, I'll share this with you is there was a moment where when I saw that Chappelle set, I was very lucky I found it as it came out because I was actually sent it by someone in his inner circle. They're like, check this shit out. And I remember I was like number, I don't know, it doesn't matter.

I was one of the first people on YouTube to watch it that night that it was released. and I posted about it, which I don't even watch people's specials at all, no matter who it is or anything. I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. I watch enough stand-up comedy when I'm about to go on stage at the comedy store or on this show. But the set from Chappelle, I found it to be so compelling and powerful and interesting. Amazing. And I posted it on my Instagram story.

And when I did, I put, I found a little one of those gifts that said goat. And there was a moment where I'm like, the only reason, the only, the only person else other than Chappelle that's a goat to me is you. I thought about you. Well, I mean, I mean, obviously. Different body of. But in my life. And at this time. No, I'm me, Tony.

Yeah. I'm your favorite racist. Yes. Yes. I texted you back. Fuck you. There he goes. Michael Lair, we love you.

We got one comedian left. Ryan. Ryan. Don't. Ryan. Ryan. Bedpan. Okay.

We have one comedian left. Let's blast through it. Ladies and gentlemen, your final submission of the night goes by the name of Robolo. Here we go. Hey Tony, Robolo here, and I'm with a Mexican prostitute from Spain, and she's got a joke for you that I wrote for her for you. Mo is galliente, Tony. She has a crush on you, man.

All right, tell the joke. Knock, knock. Who he's there? Eh, and who? Epstein didn't kill himself. Oh, that's topical. I like that. No, it's tropical.

No, it's topical. Yeah, my shirt is tropical. I'm confused. All right, now I've got the joke for you that I also wrote myself. I just found out that I was allergic to cats. They're musical. Guilty, that sucked. I sent since you to a shitting.

Oh, oh. Oh, amazing, amazing, amazing stuff. Incredible. Absolutely impressive. I didn't even think perhaps that it was possible to, already be doing parodies of Manolo. A person who was sent in two submissions with Mexican prostitutes. However, you absolutely nailed it.

Great impression, delivery, production quality, incredible. Great poop. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that was all from real bad diets, you know. So we, that's crazy though. Manolo is definitely a fixture on the show. He, like, impacted me, you know? Like, yeah, it's like when, I don't know, it's just, it was a historic moment for these quarantine episodes.

I felt compelled. I'm not compelled to do a lot of things. Like, I wasn't compelled to finish junior college, but. It is impressive that, uh, I think only three or four, perhaps, uh, appearances throughout this quarantine, Manolo has had. And yet you absolutely destroyed with a complete minute of comedy, making fun of, uh, or paying tribute, I mean, I mean, I've paid homage to Manolo. Yeah, it's no homage. I didn't know if I was going to do an impression right now. I don't know what I was like, hey, man, hey, Donnie.

I don't know who that is right there. It was good. It was good. Your timing and delivery was a lot like him. That's great. So where are you? Where are you? I am in, I'm in Southern California.

Chino Hills. Yeah, yeah. It's 40 minutes away or so. Crazy man. Yeah, I actually had one more joke as Manolo. That's the right. If that's the right, if I could. Go right ahead, absolutely.

Okay. This is in the spirit of Robolo. Mm-hmm. I like to stay hip and listen to all the huge artists like Cardi L.B. Ariola Grande. And no wordplay for Lizzo because she's already fat. Hey, I like that. I like the thrust you did there at the end to get the point across that you were done.

Yeah, I got to force in some of a physical comedy, even sitting in a dirty chair, you know. Oh, I love it. I love it. So you're in Chino Hills. What do you do for work? I work at a grocery store. I put shopping carts. Essentially.

You're a hero. Yeah, yeah. Potential worker. It's crazy. I've seen people lose. their minds. Like the week that the Hanks got it, an NBA was done. I saw

some guy literally cry like over toilet paper. He's just losing his shit in the aisles. He's like, I can't do it. I got toilet paper. Yeah, it was, I saw old ladies you've pushed over. We have like a security force of sassy ladies now. I keep shit in line. We need some

martial law in that bitch. Right. Yeah, that's wild, man. That's unbelievable. Are you born and raised here in Southern California? you moved from somewhere else? Yeah, I raised here. I mean, I was born in Fresno and lived in Fresno for the first couple years in my life, and then went to another place with agriculture and meth.

You know, my dad loves a pick of both, you know. Heck yeah. So what else have you been doing through this wild time to keep yourself entertained? Any other hobbies or anything? I got a rap song. No, I don't know. I don't, unfortunately, but... What do you do for fun?

You go out or like normally? Yeah. Dude, I went to Popeyes today. It took 45 minutes. Best trip out. No, I've actually got a green screen. I've been doing a podcast on theme parks, and it's funny that you talked about the fastest theme park.

I actually know what that is. It was like something that's worked out today. It's in Abu Dhabi. and it's, I think it's 149 miles an hour. And it goes to 10049 in zero to four seconds. It's crazy. Is it a magic carpet ride? Oh, yeah.

You know it. Oh, someone's at the, sorry, I got, there's someone bugging me right now at the door here. I'm quarantining with like literally 18 people. It's not really quarantining at all. It sounds like a party. Yeah. We're all, you know, taking turns, kissing grandma on the lips and stuff, you know, being cautious. And then going to the grocery store.

So you have a YouTube page of amusement parks that you go through and... Well, I'm going to start doing that like Mystery Science Theater 2000 or like riff on the rides. So like, because there's... And I have a green screen set up. I'm going to start shooting videos where it's like me and someone else like riffing. And because there's so many bizarre rides here. Like there was like a gremlin ride in Germany and like alf is in it for no reason. Beetlejuice like shits on it or something.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of bizarre stuff. But yeah, there's a lot of, I didn't know. I didn't until I started doing this podcast, there's so many bizarre theme park deaths. Like I got a bit about theme park accidents. And then it got super morbid. I couldn't really make like this kid got his head decapitated, hilarious, you know.

But it's Darwinism. People fucking dumb and oh, God, this little kid, hold on one second. I'm sorry. Here comes something. It's going to be somebody's dick or something. So be prepared to pull out at any given moment. This is the moment of all of this. All the buildup here comes down to this giant ball sack that's about to come over the camera.

Have your hand on the red button gauge. I repeat, have your hand on the red button. No, no. No, don't worry. It's not going to be like faces of death shit. I'm just not going to be a, oh, it's a child. Oh, really? He's a child.

Yeah. Wow, I never would have guessed that. Yeah. No, he brought a picture of, he brought a picture of everyone's interested in getting a house. Hit up John Sheffsky. Oh. Yeah. We love John's the shit.

Yeah. Dude, he wanted me to roast him. I'm not used to, it's usually the other way around because I'm a big goof, but he, hey, John, way to pick him. a career in a pandemic, pal. I'm not, that's not my style. I love that picture of him. I didn't realize that he had passed away and they're handing out his funeral.

We don't have a colored ink. Oh, there's, like, pardon my French, there's poison ivy right here. Robolo, I just realized that you've been on this show numerous times. I've now made the connection. Yeah, it's been, it's been a couple years. Last time I was on, I was all peeled up in a purple suit and ate a bag of dicks in front of too short. Yeah. But Adderall, man.

It's like Sir Zor said. That is very much like Adderall. That's right. Yeah. It's legal. I love that. Is that your kid? Should I make a Robolo joke?

I got in a new field. Have you heard of Jeffrey Epstein? No, I'm just kidding. This is not. I was bad. I'll leave that for the Zoom show. show that my aunt will be watching later when I have a gun in my mouth. No, this is, uh, uh, got real dark there. Um, will you tickle the boy for me? Gavin, give the airman. When are we being on?

Oh, hold on. No, let him on. Let him on. He's hilarious. Yeah, he is. Hey, hey, what, uh, what do you want to be when you grow up? Uh, George. George. George? George. George Perez? George Washington? Boy, George. Actually, he wants to be a wrestler, dog. He just brought this in. Oh, yeah.

He's got John Lee Gizamo here. Oh, yeah. That is John Laiwazamo. Is that Luigi? Dude, this was an ivy. Like, I don't know, dude. I don't know. this thing, I discovered I was a boy to this thing.

Oh, the Joker right there. Look at that. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's a cool version of the Joker, yellow pants, orange jacket. Very cool. Yeah, pretty far. All right, man.

Yeah. Can you do this for 45 minutes, please? Okay, no. This is a special show and tell episode of Kill Tony, and I absolutely love it. What a great way to end it. Thank you so much. This was awesome. Rock and roll?

Look that. Yeah, heck yeah. Oh, my God. Mike you guys. Look at this. Absolutely. Thank you, Judge. Thank you.

There's an actual judge there. Judge Al Madrigal, ladies and gentlemen, right there, in the flesh. All right. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. There you go. Heck yeah.

There he goes. He's Roblo. He's a Robert Land Pod. Robert Land Pod, all one word on Instagram. Yeah. Remind me, what's your actual name again? Robert Thompson. Robert Thompson.

Thank you so much, Robert. And again, thank you to what appears to be angry judge in the back of the room. Angry, how magical? Yes. It is incredible. All right. There you go. Thank you guys.

Fun times. All right. Well, there you go. What am I missing here? Another fun episode of Kill Tony. Get your candle at damn good co.com. Dates coming up. Miami, Boston, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Salt Lake City, Austin, Toronto,

Bakersfield, Sacramento, San Francisco, Tacoma, D.C., all in 2020. Oh, yes, that's what it is. Ryan J.E. Belt, the drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt, everybody. Oh, my. That's adorable. Look at that. Nice and incredible. Almost like it's funny because there was just a bunch of little action.

figures there and this reminds me of like an action figure. Those pop toys. Yeah, pop toys. Yeah. That is so cool. It's great, man. You got Felicia there on a Mexican skateboard. William with a barrel. Me with a sword. You got Michael Lairer rocking it. Absolutely destroying with his patented headband. Redband behind the iPad and the fire breathing dragon of. That is David Lucas. Absolutely. It's great.

Makes sense. Roasting. Ryan J.Ebelt.com. A lot of Kill Tony's stuff is on sale. He has prints of every show and the book. Check out the book. That was fun roasting with David Lucas and that whole crew of characters there. Which reminds me, we just dropped an episode of Roastmaster class on my Patreon,

which is, I believe, an hour and a half or two hours of me and Donnell Rawlings talking about the history of comedy and absolutely cracking each other up. Really, just him cracking. me up to be completely honest with you. But the entire episode's mind-boggling, hilarious. And God, he is a superstar. So that's a lot of fun. That's happening.

And, hey, the band, the one, you've heard a one-man band? This is the one-lady band. The great Jetsky Jesse Johnson came through strong tonight. It's Felicia Jimenez. What else is going on Jetsky? Just glad to be a part of us. Have something to do. Keep me saying.

Thank you guys. Thank you all. I was watching. Follow her at Jet Ski Johnson. And, yeah, thank you to Vito's Pizza. Got us all stuffed up tonight on some amazing, amazing pizza. Vito's is everywhere here all around the Los Angeles area, West Hollywood, Santa Monica, a bunch of different places. You can submit to the show.

This is it. I believe we're coming around the final corner here. I mean, we could possibly only have, I don't know, a few weeks left of this, my guess. So this might be your last chance if you can't travel to Los Angeles to submit for the show. Be creative. As you see, the stakes are starting to raise. Three months ago, it was just people in a fucking dark closet doing bits to their cell phone. Now we have guys in outer space space station sending in. So submit those videos to kill Tony quarantine at gmail.com and keep your fingers crossed. Hope for a response. All right.

Thank you. Check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. We just had Alonza Bowden and a bunch of cool people on the last episode. We also have Brothers in Cursef. Probably going to do an episode this week without David Lucas. I was trying to get Quincy Weekly or anyone that was David Lucasish to, I mean, size, size-wise. David Lucasish Lives Matter.

You could go to deskwad. com. TV for all that. Check it out. And check out my VR show, Virtual Red Band, like five times. There you go. Good night, everybody. Thanks to Gage and Anthony and the whole crew.