KILL TONY - KILL TONY #46

Episode Date: April 24, 2014

Francisco Ramos, Sandro Iocolano, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Thunderpussy/Jeremiah Watkins, Brian Redban – Date: 04/07/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. If you want to come see a live taping, we do it every Monday at the world famous comedy store on Sunset in Hollywood, California. Just go there, be there at 8pm and you can go see Kill Tony for free! Also, go to DeathSquad.TV for all our live shows including this weekend april 25th and april 26th me and sam tripley are going to arizona and we're going to start off in tucson at hotel congress that's friday and then saturday we're going to chili bombers that's hilarious that name is so ridiculous anyways so friday saturday april 25th, April 26th, Arizona, Tucson, and Phoenix. Go to DeathSquad.tv for the ticket links.

And don't forget, if you are going to Comic-Con 2014, tickets just went on sale. We're going to have a crazy three shows and two nights, including Kill Tony, Thunder Pussy, and a big Death Squad comedy show. And that's July 23rd, 24th. So check it out. Just go to DeathSquad.tv. And last but not least, don't forget we have a t-shirt that we are selling

to help pay for everything that we do at Death Squad. Just go to ShopSquad.tv. Or if you just go to Death Squad, just click on the Donate tab and that will show you all the ways you can help us here at Death Squad. T-shirts, stickers, we even have a studio wish list

of items that we need or you can just donate some cash. But anyways, thanks a lot for everyone that has helped us out. You guys roll. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band

coming to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hickscliff. Yeah! Yay! Fuck yeah, everybody. How you guys doing?

This is a awesome vibe in this room tonight. There's a cool echo. It almost sounds like we're in a big symphony hall. It's fun. The diehards are out tonight. Give yourselves a hand for coming out.

Who needs the masses when you could just have the highest quality people in the world? I'm glad you guys made it. Happy Monday to you. It's been a big weekend, Brian. Fucking big weekend, man. It's the 9-11 of wrestling, I heard. Bad things happened last night at WrestleMania. They moved me emotionally in a very deep way.

The Undertaker, who I've been watching since I was a kid, his streak got beaten. He won 21 WrestleManias in a row, and then he lost last night to Brock Lesnar, fucking UFC champion of all people. It's like... Oh, how times have changed. Yeah.

I've been loving this wrestling break from life that I've taken the last few weeks since getting the WWE Network, and I really got into it. And it was a great show. WrestleMania was awesome. Me and like 12 other hilarious pals of mine all got together, and we watched it on our buddy's wall

he has a big projector and we just laughed and laughed but we do that regularly we got the last year's Wrestlemania and the Royal Rumble this year but this one was fun anybody watch wrestling out there by a round of applause? how many people caught Wrestlemania? alright yeah Undertaker lost it was stunning why'd they write it that way

was it because brock lesnar's first fight and they wanted him to win is that why they wrote it that way no he's he's already been wrestling in fact he's lost to people that the undertaker's beaten that's why it was pretty shocking uh and it's just a huge twist because one of the the only thing that you actually expect the only thing that you know that's going to be written a certain way was going to be that the undertaker was going to win that's like the joke on us as wrestling fans is they're basically like yeah this is the one thing we could do to surprise you so here you go and they did it those sons of bitches ryan mervis, one of my heaviest friends. I think he said he just broke 400 pounds.

I am correct. That's the correct weight sound effect that we have. He just broke 400 pounds and he was standing up in shock for like 10 minutes about it. At 400 pounds, standing up for 10 minutes with a couch behind him.

You know how shocking something has to be when you're 400 pounds and you're standing up with a couch right behind you for 10 minutes is he really 400 pounds i think he's 400 pounds man josh can you get mervis to come up here for a second when he gets a chance if you can go grab him 400 pounds don't tell him that it's only for the reason that we want to confirm whether he's 400 pounds or not. Just tell him we want him. Tell him we want to give him a shout out. How much do you think that guy, the comedian that passed away? John Panett?

Yeah, how much do you think he weighed? Oh, my God. The stories I heard about this guy. I've never actually got to work with him or see him, but, man, this is a guy that loved eating from what i understand yeah i heard every story i've ever heard about him is about like how this guy carried sandwiches around with him in a cooler all the time like where everybody else you would see maybe with a drink or a cigarette he would just always be munching on something 50 years old that's crazy that's what happens you live that life 50 is what you get. A good 50.

If you're always eating something, if you're that guy, that's pretty good, right? Wouldn't everybody do that if you knew 50 was the cash out? What would you rather have? 70? You have to behave yourself after 45?

Or 50? You get to fucking... Because that five years between 45 and 50 should but you get to fucking... Because that five years between 45 and 50, should we get bored? If you put it that way, I would definitely say 75 because I think you're supposed to burn out young while you can. Just push it to the limit from the ages of

18 to 29. You had a crazy weekend, right? 39. Speaking of which, because you told me you were sore earlier I was just from working out I started working out for my first time in two years when I found out that I've been paying for a membership for two years I'm like stealing towels

trying to get my money back I can't wait to see the look on Mervis' face when he comes up here I think I hear him coming that's not him. No, that's just two other people. Do you ever go to the gym?

Do you ever do the workout shit? I don't have a membership, but no, I don't go to the gym. I'm a cardio fucking. I just go outside and jog. I use the universe's gym. That's a lot better than elliptical. I just sat there with the elliptical board out of my mind and then switched to all those weight machines

with all the different things you can do. It's pretty fun. I like the weight machines. They make it fun. I pulled my back out taking off my jeans a few months ago. That's right. I forgot about that. I've been taking it easy. Turns out writing and stand-up are the two possibly worst

things to do on your body for seven years straight. Just sitting and standing. What happened with Mervis? That's not happening? I want to know whether this fucker's 400 pounds or not. He walks really slow. Oh, there he is.

Josh at Josh Martin comic, the world's worst producer. Everybody put your hands together for Josh. It's great. It's got the best spirit, but fuck. Yeah.

Anyway. Yeah. So I guess that was the weekend. The Mervis thing, I guess we'll come back to every week, guys. We have a head of security that keeps us safe here on this show.

Nothing really ever happens. He never has to do anything ever in the history as the Patriot ever stepped in in any way. But we always have a head of security and always somebody new and different. This is this guy's first time ever doing it, and this is a special one, perhaps one of our favorites going into it. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the Iron Thunder Pussy.

Jeremiah Walken. Fuck yes. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Hey. Hey. Fuck yeah. What's up, Iron Thunder Pussy? My nose is too big for this mask.

It's like literally sideways right now. But other than that, I'm great. You would have thought that they would have had something for that. This is a fun one because while he was getting suited up, at one point, Jeremiah is one of my really good friends and one of the most talented comedians that I'm lucky enough to get to work with all the time. But anyway.

So we're close. And he goes, Tony, he's just gotten up the shoulders on the onesie pajama outfit that the character wears. And he said to me, he goes, Tony, the suit smells, man. And that's when I realized we should probably clean that. We got to get that thing washed.

I felt really bad. It really bothered me. Because that does... That does get really, really hot. Like, that's usually, like, soaking wet when, like, you know, the person takes it off. And then we just put it in a bag, like, in this dark room.

Yeah. It's been queefed through. Thanks for asking me to be on the show, guys. Thank you so much. How does the inside of the mask smell? Well, I guess your nose being pinched off is a good thing, probably, right? I guess so. It smells like old football pads

and then just gym socks. Yeah, because we keep our gym socks in the same bag as... My workout clothes. You have gym socks now. You went to the gym this weekend. What are gym socks? Jeremiah is from

Kansas, so he's also the purest and cleanest patriot we've ever had. Good to be here, guys. You guys seem very excited. No. We are doing... We have Comic-Con coming up. Yeah, big news.

Tickets went on sale today for the American Comedy Co. We're bringing Kill Tony, Thunder Pussy, and then we're also doing a comedy show, three shows in two days. So tickets are on sale right now at AmericanComedyCo.com. And Jeremiah, you're going to be there with Thunder Pussy, which if you guys don't know, me and Jeremiah do this show on Death Squad

called Thunder Pussy where comics go on stage and people from the audience yell out a topic. So out of nowhere somebody will yell out microwave and you have to try to do comedy based on using the word microwave, topics about microwaves. And it's really cool and it's a great workout to be a comic because you're trying to think of shit right on your feet, and you can't use any of your old material.

So it's a good way to come up with new material. There should be more games like that for open micers, like an open mic kind of game like that, because that really makes you kind of think outside the box, and it's nice. It's a good muscle to train. And it's a lot of fun for the audience because you get to watch some of your favorite comedians in a high pressure situation, you know, when you have to watch them think of

something that you just heard at the same time as them. It's a lot of fun because sometimes it's not always pretty. I've done the show like five times and, uh, and you know, sometimes it doesn't, for me, it doesn't, uh uh once in a while it doesn't click but when it clicks man it's like fire yeah it's a crazy muscle to have to truly and then joe rogan goes up there and does like an hour and 15 minutes easily and writes a whole new hour one sitting amazing jinx oh iron miserable patriot over there. I'll cheer up. I'll cheer up.

With your crooked nose now. That would be funny if it sticks that way, too. Oh, yeah. That would be hilarious, dude. You're the first patriot to have a camel toe, which is surprising because we've had some female patriots, a couple of them. But I haven't seen a camel toe that defined on yeah especially with a boner too hell yeah excited to be here guys

that mask is so small it's funny because from my angle i can see your chin move up and down each time you talk? Uh-huh. All right. Fuck yeah. The original Iron Patriot quit on us. You know about this, Jeremiah? Yeah. It was funny. Right before he went crazy, he was telling me that he was going to become a famous audience member here at the Comedy Store.

Like a night or two before. I was like, oh cool. Oh that's when he was going through that phase where he was going in the audience and like interacting with comics on stage. Right. Yeah it was his last weekend here. I remember that very clearly. He came in the same outfit

two days in a row. That's right. Which was blatant because it's a white jogging suit. All white jogging suit with the same exact Iron Patriot t-shirt underneath and the Iron Patriot ball cap. And he sat in the front row for the actual stand-up shows

where comedians, true professionals, go up one after the other trying to fucking destroy an audience. And this guy wearing an all white fucking jogging suit starts talking shit each night. That didn't go so well for him. I just quit him on Twitter.

I couldn't take it anymore. He's doing these posts now every like six seconds of guess this actor and he shows like Charlie Sheen or something like that. A screenshot of a movie while it's playing and he says name this movie the actor and the year it came out.

Non-stop, that's all he's doing, waiting for anybody who just clicks on it and sees a picture. He's like, oh, I guess this one. But only he's running his own trivia thing and nobody's answering. It's very bizarre. So we killed him and we keep his ashes in this

doll. Alright, anyway. You guys know the show. You guys ready to start thunder... Yeah! Let's start thunder pussy. That is great. I needed that. We should just do a thunder pussy

right now. Just have all the comics have to... That'd be hilarious. Kill... The old bait and swift. Click on kill. Tell me all the comics after you. That'd be hilarious. The old bait and swift. Put not kill Tony on my favorite part. What is this? What happens when two podcasts come together

at once? Accidentally. Well, that was cool. I think I might talk like this the rest of the show I'm into that Iron movie voice Iron movie voice

Alright this is tanking with this audience We really lost connection there for a second Guys are you ready to start Kill Tony 46 Here we go baby this is it

as always I have two of my funniest friends to be guests on this show this week's no different put your hands together for Sandro Yocolano and Francisco Ramos I've wanted you guys on for a long time conversations ain't long but you know what it is I know what that girl them boys I've wanted you guys on for a long time.

These are two guys that I started stand-up comedy with and fucking young legends on the scene. Legends. Fucking love it. Living legends.

Two of my funniest pals. Hello, guys. Hello. I love the energy here. I like how the head of security starts complaining the first thing. He just walks up and is like, yes, your head of security is here. I'm hot. I'm really uncomfortable.

He's our head of insecurity. Alright, that's not even hitting. What's up, guys? What do we need to do here? We all need to do a shot or something? What's going on? Shots on... That guy just gave the chihuahua bark for that one. What do we need to do here? We all need to do a shot or something? What's going on? All right, everyone. Shots on. That guy just gave the chihuahua bark for that one. I love how we're supposed to, like,

we're in the business of getting more fans as a comic, and Jeremiah's just hiding his face. And right now he's like, we all know that it's Jeremiah, but he's like, fuck it. I'm just going to wear this shit. We call that LeVar Burton-ing. He could take off the mask at any point. Why didn't you take it off, Jeremiah?

I did not know that I could take the mask off. It's like, what are the rules here? There's no rules. Just keep the voice box. Right. Whoa, the man behind the mask, everybody. Here comes the worst producer to not do anything good. Yeah. Yeah, Jeremiah the mask, everybody. He becomes the worst producer to not do anything good. Yeah. Yeah, Jeremiah Watkins, everybody.

Actually, put the mask on. Put the mask on. Just put it back on. I was wrong. My bad, my bad. We'll have it carved out next time so your nose can fit through. Through that nose. I mean, that's a huge nose right there.

That really is. That's it, guys. I addressed this earlier. Yeah, but it's like now I've seen it. It's like, wow. That really is. Thank you, guys. I addressed this earlier. Yeah, but now I've seen it. It's like, wow, that is huge. All that's missing is that mustache where you can pull off the glasses. Shit. It's like Jeremiah.

Going for the jokes. He's the head of insecurity now. Absolutely. Really good to be here, guys. Thanks for having me on your podcast. No, it's true. Jeremiah's Hollywood royalty. You know who his dad is, right?

Toucan Sam, guys. Look at that. Look at that big, fruity lips. This became like a roast. It's giving me the eyes of purity right now. He's like, all right, let's move on up to the next segment. My sister is Chelsea Peretti. Hello.

There you go. I stole Tony's joke from him. I did make that joke during WrestleMania. There are these people wearing these giant beak heads as they're playing instruments, and he's like, I didn't know Chelsea Peretti was playing in WrestleMania. Well, now she'll never hire me for anything.

What happens at WrestleMania stays at WrestleMania, Jeremiah. Don't break the friendship rule. I'm sorry, man. The WrestleMania Friendship Handbook 101. No repeating any of the... No, I'm kidding. I feel like I'm the fast food patriot now, but I don't have a mask on.

I'm just like, can I take your order? Is there anything? Do you guys need anything? Cool? All right, let's move on. I do love the hunchback that you got in the back. I don't... It's the iron-deficient

patriot. Wait, so wait, the other guy went crazy after dressing like that for his entire life? That's when he went crazy? Yeah, I guess so. It's shocking, right? Well, because if you don't tell what's all dirty,

of course, he's like, fuck, I gotta go crazy in this dirty shit. What I really want to do is get a Patriot and go to Hollywood Boulevard and record from across the street you trying to collect photos and pictures next to the Iron Patriot. That'll be fun.

He's having... What's going on, Janet Jackson? It's like, is your shift over? What the fuck? He's like, I gotta take a break. Believe it or not, these gloves have no traction. So whenever I grab my mic, it just keeps slipping. Here we go.

Here we go. Let's do this show. Okay, guys. All right. Well, how are you guys doing? Everything good? Everything good, man. Thanks for having me.

Glad to have you guys on. It's fun to... Thank you. A couple of claps here. I appreciate it. Thank you. We've been doing stand-up together forever, all of us. Yes.

We kind of started together. I mean, we started working here basically at the same time, me and Tony. Remember those times? Oh, yes, definitely. We asked, we're going to rule the store one day. At one point, we were just here checking IDs with two and a half minutes of material.

Yes, and I still have two and a half. No, I still check in IDs, but just more material. You get right into his car. He stands outside of his car and checks IDs. It's a bit so Marvel. All right, anyways. All right. Anyway, am I moving on?

That's a defense mechanism. Well, you guys know what we do here, right? Iron Stinky. Don't you have any questions for the audience? Or for the guests? Why is your other mic in your penis? That's the speaker. It's tradition.

The patriot is always spoken out of his groin. So we kept it that way. Yeah. Francisco, how long have you been a U.S. citizen? Is the Iron Patriot speaking? What the fuck? Do you work?

Do you actually work? Actually, I've been, what, four or five years. Actually, I think that's how they actually become,

you know, make people become U.S. citizens. Like, that'd be great. Like, after you become a U.S. citizen,

have the Iron Patriot be like, are you ready to become a U.S. citizen? It's like, what the fuck? The final guy

you have to beat for the game. Like, that's the final thing. It's like, I pass a test, now guy you have to beat for the game. That's the final thing. It's like, I pass a test. Now you gotta fight with the Iron Pages. Like, fuck. That would solve the immigration problem. Nobody's gonna fight. Nobody's gonna fight that. Did you have to take

the test, like at the Statue of Liberty with all those old people off the boat? No, that's... What year is this? Who the fuck was your history teacher? Yeah, Titanic. It's like all you saw. It's like, well, that's... 1977.

It's like, yeah, I changed my name to John Smith when they got me. You look great for 65, by the way. You look really good. I still work as a machu salesman. Yes. I thought you said a masseuse shoe salesman. How'd you get a masseuse? I don't have that accent.

Maybe you combine machu salesman. Maybe I heard machu. Maybe it shoe salesman. How'd you get a masseuse? I don't have that accent. Maybe you combined masseuse salesman. Maybe I heard masseuse. Maybe it's just me. I'm sorry. I wonder, like, if I would have gotten, like, in the, you know, because they always change your name. Like, what kind of name would you guys have given me if you were, like, the immigration police?

No, it's supposed to be, like, an American name. It's, like, the 1950s. Oh, really? What would your white name be? Yeah. Dylan. Yeah, 1950s. Oh, really? What would your white name be? Yeah. Dylan. Yeah, or Trevor. Dylan?

Trevor? My name's Dylan. Hi. Good to be here. Hi, I'm Dylan. Hi, I'm Dylan. God damn you, Dylan. No.

Hi, I'm Trevor. I'd say Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. Dylan Waters. Great to meet you. That's a powerful name.

Dylan Waters? Yeah. That's you, man. I'm Dylan. If you don't leave here right now, go change your name. Dylan Waters? I can't say Waters. It's that powerful of a name.

You can do whatever you want with it. It's got something that I can't pronounce well. Waters is going to trouble me if I get drunk. I think the R's are where you can hear your Latino. So maybe like a... Yeah, something not R in there. Ricky's got an R in there. Ricky, yeah.

Ricky. Lucy, I'm home. You know how many times I get that shit? Oh, of course. I don't mind it, but I get it a lot. You got more ethnic as you said it, too. Do it all the time. My ethnicity goes ups and downs.

You see? It just did it right there. It goes ups and downs. This is live, everybody. Did you have a question for Sandro? Yes. Sandro, you are Italian, right? Yes, I am.

What is your favorite dish to make? Nice question. Thank you very much. It's very original. Honestly, whatever I have in my fridge

I put together. But I like a chicken Florentine. He had that. It's not a date. Somebody asked me if I could say chicken Florentine.

I can really tell what's sitting in a casserole in your refrigerator right now, just fucking sitting up there. It's delicious. All right. That's what got that guy. Chicken Florentine, man. He's happy and needs a drink. Chicken Florentine.

What is chicken Florentine? What is that exactly? I have no idea. Oh, come on. I really don't. What is your favorite dish I have no idea. I really don't. What is your favorite dish to make? I like lobster pasta fra diavolo. No, seriously.

It's pasta with all seafood and it's really spicy. I noticed when you said pasta, say it again. Fra diavolo. See how his ethnicities go ups and downs? Ups and downs. I get both.

Yeah, what's wrong with you, buddy? I don't know, man. Fucking Trevor here. Back me up, Roger. We could go as Roger and Dylan. I think that would work out. That sounds like a gay deal. Yeah, let's just both go

beat up Wilmer Valderrama right now. I don't know why. I think that would help both of us. Both of us? Yeah, I think so. I think more me than you. Is it Vilmer or Wilmer? Wilmer Valderrama right now. I don't know why. I think that would help both of us. Both of us? Yeah, I think so. I think more me than you. Is it Vilmer or Wilmer? Wilmer.

I say Vilmer. Because you're from Transylvania. Ivan, don't kill the Vilmer. It's Wilder. Wilver. Wilmer Valderrama. Wilber. Be Vildering.

Vilmer. Vilmer. Vilmer. Let's just do everything with a German accent tonight. Ahbur. Wilbur. Bewildering. Wilmer. Wilmer. Wilmer. Let's just do everything with a German accent tonight. Ah, we will. We will. We want to do it. You look very nice.

Thank you so much. By the way, that's Jeremiah's actual voice. All the other voices that he does are him doing an impression of a man. I am very German. And that is all. I am very German, and that is all. Well, let's get this party started. Many comedians signed up for the chance to come on for a minute and chat with us and do a minute of stand-up and see what we could maybe punch it up,

maybe just talk about what it made us think of, maybe talk to them, ask them some questions. So let's get it going. You guys know what happens. They do a minute that you know that you've done 60 seconds and you hear the meow of a kitty. Aww, how cute. That means your time's up. Don't run

the light or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Yikes. He is furious tonight. Obviously, if anybody goes over their time, they are going to be in big fucking trouble. Did we get new speakers or something? Because that was really loud. Maybe.

Was there an upgrade? Brent and Josh, anybody know? Seems like it. It does sound better. It sounds really loud. Is there something behind us? Fuck yeah. I felt like the Maxwell guy with my hair blowing.

You really do have a lot on your back. You look like a ninja turtle from this angle. I'm sweating so much underneath. Now you know the smell. He's hosting. I've got to mention this, by the way, Jeremiah. He's hosting downstairs after this. One of the coolest gigs a comedian works to get when you get spots at this place

is to get to host downstairs, especially the second spot, which is from 10.30 through the rest of the night. When you're hosting this, all these comedians, it's like when Chris Rock or anybody comes in, you get to bring them up and whatever. And your name always goes on the marquee when you get that spot.

And Jeremiah's a rising comic who that's awesome, obviously. I mean, it's awesome for anybody to get their name on the Comedy Store marquee. But it's like, and then so he said to me because John Panette died over the weekend so what did you say to me on back? I choked on my fucking drink. I said that John Panette

was even bumping me from the grave It says recipes John Panette on the marquee Because I was driving home like all day It says recipes John Panetta on the marquee. Because I was driving home, like, all day I was looking forward to it. I was like, am I going to see my name in lights? And they said, RIP John Panetta. I was like, what the frick? God damn it, John Panetta.

Thank you, John Panetta. I saw your name on the marquee last night. You're just being selfish. Two nights in a row? Come on. He's getting more recognition now. Yeah. Oh. Oh, come on. He's getting more recognition now. Yeah. Oh, come on. He's a road comic.

He doesn't do spots at the store is what I was saying. He's never on the marquee, guys. Netflix's special I'm Starving. That is an actual Jon Foness special? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm starving! Really?

Now the next one. I'm just. Really? Yep, absolutely. Now the next one. I'm just going to sit down for a bit. The next one was called I'm Dying, right? There was a lot of deaths this weekend. Yeah, Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney. Passed away. John Pennett.

He was like 100. Remember that TV show Bill he did? No. Where he played like mentally. Oh, yeah, he was like retarded. Yeah. Oh, yeah, 60 Minutes? Sorry, I can played mentally... Oh yeah, he was retarded. Oh yeah, 60 Minutes? Sorry, I can't say that. Yeah, I saw that. Wrong Mickey Rooney.

Oh, I'm sorry. 60 Minutes. They have an Andy Rooney. He died too. Mickey Rooney, Peaches Geldof, and John Panette. It's crazy. It's like now that the streak's over, The Undertaker

has something to go do. Super topical joke. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Keith Soule. Folks, And now you know just why Panther went crazy. The devil made me. Folks. Hey. Ah, man.

My best friend recently passed away. And I realize I may have been more of a comic than a friend because they had me speak at his eulogy at his funeral. And the first thing I thought was, how much time am I doing and when's my light? That's bad, right? That's bad. But I know he's looking down from me or to me in heaven, wondering why the fuck I haven't returned his Redbox DVDs yet. Okay, we'll continue. Okay, every time I hear a rap song, I always think, like, what important message in life

is it holding me back from? Like, I was about to sign up for Obamacare, and then Boosie was freed. That threw me off track. I feel like Chief Keith is preventing me from learning and being a better man. Fuck yeah.

I like the your friend's dead red box thing. That's an interesting thing. If a friend dies and you have his red boxes I think that's a premise that really stood out to me are you like on a break from working from Banana Republic

it looks like it I do like the yeah the clothes definitely our best dressed comic so far yes uh the presentation is good uh material you got a francisco are you getting lost in his eyes right now brown eye like uh no is that you have a actual handkerchief huh like a like a gentleman yeah wow that's classy he's a very classy individual individual. Look at his socks. Show him your socks. No socks.

No socks. See? Look at that. He's rich. He can do that. Stinky feet. Well, that's the thing. I'd be worried about that. I don't think he cares.

Yeah. That's how smooth he is. That's the worst. Stinky feet. Do you always dress this well? I try to, man. I try to. You look good on stage.

You feel good. Hell yeah. No, absolutely. Yeah, I think you just gotta take it more, like, if you dress good, also fucking have confidence to say the jokes

a little more than, you know. I like your stage presence, too. You're like, no, no, no, you're very commanding with your voice, too. You're aware of it

and you use it and, you know, like one of your jokes, what was one of your jokes with, if you guys don't like this, it's just gonna sound like three minutes of smooth jazz.

Like, that's a funny, like, that's a great joke. Like, you're very aware of it. No, if you guys don't like this, it's just going to sound like three minutes of smooth jazz. Like, that's a funny... Like, that's a great joke. Like, you're very aware of it. No, I enjoyed it. So did your friend really die, or is that just a... That's terrible. That's sad for... I mean, it's sad, but... Are you going to return it? It's a funny dilemma.

Are you going to return that? Yeah, you don't return that. You got to. Not for his fuck. That's it. So he's dead and in debt. Maybe it could be something that you do more often. Francisco, he's dead. You've said it enough times. So he's dead, right?

Your friend is actually dead. Your friend is morbid. Wait, so again, is your friend... Let me be clear. Let me be clear. Let me be clear. No breathing. Is he Russian? What is that?

You know, I didn't want to like do too much too close to you. Then you're like, is he making fun of me? So I did a little Russian on top of it. But maybe you could turn it into something like maybe you have, maybe your friend's death and you getting the red boxes has inspired you to do charity work. You go to Make-A-Wishes, Dying Kids,

and you take them to a red box. By the end of this, you could be your own fucking blockbuster. The Dying Kids, they get some exercise walking to the red box i don't know i guess uh but yeah i think you can use also like you just your your friend's death just made your life better absolutely because now you have red box dvds for free and shit that's pretty good right yeah yeah Again, is your friend dead?

He's in a brown box. Yeah. Oh, shit. Man, if that whole ghost thing exists, I'm going to have a rough night's sleep tonight. He's going to return my DVDs. Wait, what DVD was it?

That's the ultimate question. Beat me to it. It's probably something like Whatever You Got Mail. What were the two movies? It was Tron and then Curb Your Enthusiasm. Damn. Which one? The original Tron?

No, the new one. So the new Tron in one disc of four episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm season four. Damn. But Keith, I have to ask you, how dead is he? That was from Matt Devlin. Well, fuck yeah, man.

Well, thank you so much. There he goes, everybody. Keith Soul. You're not on Twitter, Keith? At Keith Soul. He's got it. That's S-E-O-U-L. Fuck yeah.

You guys remember... What was that? He was dancing with no music. Oh, shit. I missed it. Deaf Patriot. I love it. It's tough to move in that thing, huh?

A little bit. Can you lift your arms? My balls. I'm kidding a little. Oh, I see. Did you guys, when you first started stand-up, that first few times on stage, did you have any jokes that you're embarrassed when you first started stand-up, that first few times on stage, did you have any jokes that you're embarrassed that you did

that you can't believe that you ever said on stage? Yeah, one. Absolutely. Which I was like, my thing was like, it was the, like, why do, why does T have instructions? Because it's like instructions because it's like I forgot

just heat the water and dip the thing whatever that's like having instructions how to make a guy happy pull out his pants suck his dick I got the same response as Scott in the back seven years ago

he's got to steep the dick longer than you would the bag of tea. I'm not using it anymore. It's over. You don't have to know. Retroactively criticizing your joke. When were you back then? How about you, Sondra? Do you have one? Every one of them.

I had one. I still do it from time to time. Well, it's because I do it because I try to figure out why it's funny to people. It's I can't remember it. Oh. Are you crying? Yeah, I'm very, very moved by this.

This is part of the bit. It's a big closing bit where he cries. I get really emotional and then I shit myself and then we move on to something else. It's a very weird bit. I worked for Jimmy Dean in their marketing department and my last slogan got me fired. It was, Jimmy Dean's breakfast.

It's like a sausage fest in your mouth. That's a great joke. But a part of me is like, oh, but they're laughing because I said sausage fest. Yeah, they are. And absolutely. And I'm like, I want to be deeper than that.

No, you can't go deeper than that. But I never am, ever. It's all about dicks and mouths. And then mom. All right. It's like a sausage fest in your mouth. It's funny. Jeremiah, we've asked you that before, right?

Oh, yeah. I listened to it. The La Jolla one. And then Josh had you do that. He had me do the act out. Right. Yeah. Rough.

It was like a two-minute act out of a fireman trying to save a cat. It was unbelievable. I just picture you in a suit. For some reason, I picture you in a suit, and you're wearing a wire, and you're trying to get this mobster to confess to you, and you keep jutting your crotch in his face. Speak into here.

Let me hear what you have to say. Anyways, it was a visual I had. It's true. If there was anybody that you wouldn't want to send in to a mob and have him not think he's wearing a wire, it would definitely be that. You can blatantly see the outline of a speaker jutting out of his pubic bone. And he's wearing a headset. And a headset, yeah.

That would give it away. Are you wearing a wire? What? It's going out through the speaker. Oh, one second here. Stupid. what it's going out through the speaker oh I actually oh one second here oh it's a stupid

feedback fuck yeah well let's keep this thing rocking and rolling you guys ready for your next comedian yeah hell yeah people it's all happening

goes by the name of Jeff Alper Jeff Alper what Jeff Alper. Hey, guys. How's it going? I have it written down because I feel like it. So you guys ever realize that at any moment you could be standing just in a pit where there's just bloody vaginas

all over the place. This is for guys. You're walking around and at any moment you could just be standing next to a girl here is on her period, a girl here is on her period, a girl here is on your period and there's just no way out of that situation. You can't really do anything about that.

Guys, we're oblivious. You can't see it. You don't know the girls, like, you're just sitting at a bus stop, and this girl's really cute. You're just standing like, man, like, I should say something to her. I should tell her she's cute. I should do that. Meanwhile, she's just sitting there like, oh, my God, my, I need a new tampon so bad. Oh, please don't talk to me. Please don't talk to me. I'm like, oh, maybe she's on Tinder. I'll just check it real quick.

Two feet away. Heart. No. All right. Thanks, guys. All right. Fuck yeah. You're really scared of vaginas.

Yeah, I mean, why are you so scared? I noticed not only did you hide behind the mic stand, but you also hide behind the stool, just thinking of the blood. Oh, dude, I can just sense it in the area. I know I was talking about how you can't sense it. Have you ever licked a bloody vagina before? No, not licked.

He's afraid of just walking, sitting next to the bus. What did you call it? A pit? A pit of bloody vaginas. Wow. A pit. By standing next to them.

Well, just because you could be surrounded by them is what I was trying to get across. Look, I have a rule of thumb. Your premise in stand-up. Don't put your thumb in a pussy. That's a rule of thumb. That one's one. Rule number one. My thumbs never go near

bloody vagina piss. Don't finger bloody pussies. You can always wash your hands. Wait, what? No, my thing is look, if your premise or punchline didn't work in the first place, don't bother doing the act out.

Okay. I don't know. I just felt like, look, you didn't get anything out of the bloody pits of vaginas. And then you're doing the whole bust. You could have thrown two or three other jokes in that minute. Yeah. So, I mean, just read the crowd. If that shit doesn't work, don't bother.

Yeah, pit of bloody vaginas is descriptive enough. You know what I mean? If you delve in it too much, people might say it's gross. Okay. When you have a joke that's so, I mean, that's obviously you. You have this fear of bloody pussies. It's a valid fear. More than, fuck bloody pussies. They're, more than, I fuck bloody pussies.

They're warmer, you can cum in them, it's great. Yeah, there's nothing bad with that. I'm a grown adult. What, I have a little blood in my mouth? Yeah, that's what condoms are for, bro. Grown adult. What, when you put it like that? I fucking eat a steak and I have blood in my mouth.

I don't even know that cow. You know, I'm fucking. Nice. Wow. Double Alexandra. even know that cow. Nice. Wow. I'm pretty sure you just witnessed the birth of eating period vagina movement started by Brian

Redman. He just wrote the bumper sticker right in front of you guys. Dot, dot, dot. I don't know that cow's name. I'll eat any type of pussy. Guys in the south are going to love that. At least I know this cow's name.

That was great. But if you're going to get that upset about it, no one's that upset about it. No one's ever sitting there like, I bet these girls are on their periods. I got to get out of here. Yeah, no one's freaking out. Fuck, bloody pussy. And if you do do that, you I got to get out of here. Yeah, no one's freaking out. Fuck, bloody pussy.

And if you do do that, you have to act it out like that. Yeah, you have to go, fuck. You got to go crazy. Just pretend like you're just a... Have you had a fear of bloody vaginas since you came out of one? No, I was just thinking.

That's pretty smart. It's all right. Too quick. Do you still think of sex as... That you came out of that cow? No, I'm kidding. I'm just wondering. I mean, no, I've never had sex or anything.

I'm just, you know. Wait, you never had sex? Just all vaginas, buddy vaginas. You never had, for real? You never had sex? No, this is all a joke. Oh, this is a joke to you? Oh, okay, okay.

You're the last. Trying to get to the bottom of Blake. Yeah, why, what happened? No, I was just thinking, like, girls are on their periods all the time. Like, guys just never have sex. Yeah, but they're not on their periods all the time. It's once a month, bro. Why are you thinking that?

That's why you're thinking. I think a lot of girls are telling you that they're on their period. On my period again. Yeah, that's good. Put it in your place and that might be where something you know that might be where you can throw a hard left hook 20 seconds into that stuff with that you know what I mean set it up how you

how you're I mean yeah talk about your hatred if that's the problem, because that probably is what's going on. You just said chicks are always on their period, but they're not always on their period. Not all chicks all the time. I just meant chicks in general. Most of the chicks.

What biology class did you go to? Not specifically everyone, but generally everyone. Not every single chick. Just the girls that are talking to me and the bus all of them well uh you know that that and there was another part where you you were men the part that stood out to me is something that you know could be something interestingly promising is when you said uh that you were wondering what they were thinking, you know, and you went inside of her mind for a second when you said, oh, please don't talk to me. I don't feel pretty or whatever you said about that.

That seems like something that they probably are vulnerable when that's happening. So you might get that. Then you can have both sides on your side Because if you have a take so that it's the woman's perspective as well, then you won't just have a bunch of women staring at you from the audience and their boyfriends that are with them that don't want to laugh because they don't want their girlfriend saying, you were laughing at that guy with the bloody pussy pit thing on the way out. Then they don't get to fuck bloody pussy. I would love to hear if you had a girlfriend

and you going over that joke to your girlfriend just to see her face and her reaction and her text to her friends. Jeff, thanks for coming on. Thanks guys. He's on Twitter. Jeff Alper is here. That's J-E-F-F-A-L-P-E-R.

Jeff Alper is here on Twitter. That's fun. He stayed in the pocket for a minute. He committed to it. He committed to bloody pussy. Yeah, he went for it. He stayed in that bloody pussy pocket. In that whole society of bloody pussy.

He went down on that bloody pussy Titanic. The universe where all girls have periods all the time. Could you imagine? It's called hell. The place where every woman is always on their period. What would that be? Seattle?

I don't know why. I know nice girls from Seattle. Your next comedian's name is Joe Morisi. All right. Thank you, guys. I was talking with a friend the other day, and we're both 30-year-old single men, and he goes, Joe, so come on man what do you think what's a good age settle down you know get married

i was like uh 14 uh i think absolutely 14 eighth grade top of the world, get yourself a cool lunch table, get yourself a good folding chair, one that's not wobbling, you want to be sitting upright, get your little carton of milk, you want white milk, not the chocolate, forget the sugar, eat your peanut butter and jelly, pick out that hot girl with the biggest breasts, and you got it. You got 30 years. Find a 38C and 14.

You got 30 years of firm boobs. All right. Okay, we'll call it 20 years of firm boobs. All right. Where are you going to stay there at the end? You don't have to I kind of like those mid-thirties kind of droopy boots

I like your style I like it, yeah, I love it I just fell in love with you in one minute I know, I thought it was like an act and then all of a sudden it's like Whoa, boobs! I stick like this all the time You know who it's like? It's like Stevie whoa, boobs! I speak like this all the time.

You know who it's like? It's like Stevie Wineshank, how he talks. He has the same Sarah Wineshank delivery. Joe Morrisey, fuck yeah. That was good. Fun stuff. He's passionate about boobs. I love it.

Heck yeah. And investing in a good relationship early. I guess he's a fan of the bloody pussy. He doesn't mind. Use the mic. Fuck yeah, but that's a fun premise. Because this way, you know, I mean, yeah, that's something everybody can relate to. And also, it's just fucking, what is it again?

It was Mary Young. I think what I like is that you kind of show your point of view, your personality, like, with that joke, just the way you were yelling and, you know, just being crazy and shit. But, like, I could picture you doing that. I mean, you don't even look at me when I'm talking to you. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. But, yeah, that's funny. I'm, you didn't even look at you. You don't even look at me when I'm talking to you. Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

But yeah, but that's funny. I'm saying that's good. That's my point. It's like it just shows right away who you are, which is, I think that's the funny part about you. I mean, just work, you know. The bits, I think you can definitely cut the fat and get the, you know, quick punches. But it was good. It was a good point of view. Thank you.

And you said that you were talking to your friend who's also single in his 30s about this, and that's when you said that? Yeah, because I had a girlfriend like that with the perfect set of breasts. At 14. At that age, yeah. And there was no reason to get greedy. That's funny. That's one.

It's only a minute. How long is that bit overall? I don't know. I'm trying to stretch it. I think try to cut it first and then stretch it. No, but I know what you mean. I can see how it builds up though. How long is it

when you're not just doing the minute version? I don't know, maybe three. Really? Real long. You've seen it? No. Oh. How long is it?

But you're staying that story for three minutes of, like, you know, you do it. Well, no, because then I actually go into, like, then you would never have to go to bars. I talk about how beer sucks, and it's bad for you, and it looks like pee, and it looks like pee and it makes you pee and it's a big pee parade. Stick to that, boobs. Let's go back to the 14-year-old. Forget the beer shit. It's interesting.

I don't want to lose people on hating beer. Especially on National Beer Day. It is? Yeah. I'll have it. Just in time. That's why I'm drinking. I'll have it. See? Just on time. That's why I'm drinking. Fuck yeah, people.

Cheers. You're very dedicated. What was the girl's name that you dated when you were 14? It was Amanda. Do you want to call her out over the podcast? Do you want to call her out? Do you follow her? Have you seen her?

Tell her you want her back? Does she have bigger ears? She doesn't look good anymore. Have you thought about she have bigger ears? She doesn't look good anymore. Have you thought about finding? She what? She doesn't look good anymore? Yeah, so. Fuck.

After 15, it's like, look, we have to see each other. Maybe her 14-year-old daughter does, though. You know what I'm saying? Well, yeah. It's never too late to go 14. I think she'd respect you if you went after her daughter. And tell her the whole thing. You want to lock her down at 14

so that you have good tits for 30 years. I think she'll go for it. That's a powerful move, dating your ex-girlfriend's daughter. Oh, yeah. That's leverage galore right there. If you pulled that, you're like, you're a master. Really fuck with her brain. That one that broke your heart.

Because then the sister, the daughter's going to be like, Mom, I have a question about sex. You're fucking my ex-boyfriend. That would be perfect. I just added something to my bucket list. I had nothing really cool in my bucket list.

You already have a couple in mind? Yeah, a couple. I did the black girl. That was cool. How old are you going to let the girl get before you make your first move? I know it's not going to be 18. He's going to go to the Philippines. I know you're going to plant that seed at 12. Just the nice guy at the beach.

Want some ice cream? Bye-bye. See you soon. So in a few years. I'll buy her a Nintendo Wii U. I'll do it right. You know, I'll get it. You'll take care of your girl. And then when she sees you at 18, she'll be like, that guy seems like he'd be really nice to me.

No, I'll plant seeds of podcasting. And, you know, so she starts becoming a podcast fan and comedy. You're doing some deception shit, man. Jesus. It's dedication. That would be fun though man then you could compare it you can compare except she can't ever hear this one

right yeah well do you guys ever dated a comedian? anybody? no I've I've

done some stuff but I haven't yeah we know you've done some. Your name is Francisco Ramos. You fingered a comedian. You're not exactly a comedian. A bloated comedian.

No, but no, I haven't. I don't know if I can do it. It's too much. How many chicks does a Venezuelan man beef like you take down in an average year? Like, you were like a specimen. I've always looked at you like down in an average year. You were like a special. I've always looked at you like, I'm just waiting. The fact that

sitcoms haven't picked you up as that guy blows my mind. How you've gotten under the radar. Unbelievable. What is it? In an average year, what is it? 700, 900 checks? Jeez.

I love your confidence at times. No. What was that? You don't really have to answer it. You weren't that far. No, no, no. I mean, I sure might get my fair amount. Don't you, like, teach tennis during the day?

Aren't you a pool boy during the day? Francisco during the day just has every occupation that gets laid. Did somebody order a pizza? I was just going to say that. Triple anchovy? He's leaf-blowing snow.

He's like, hi. Would you be here? He's like, I'd like to come inside. They're like okay Fuck yeah So Joe do you ever date a comedian? No I haven't How long have you been doing this?

Like three years Where are you from? Chicago How long have you been here? A little over two. Nice. You having fun? Oh, yeah.

It's great. You have an amazing delivery and natural style. It almost seems like anything you say would be funny. Can you give us the first line from the Pledge of Allegiance or something? Do you know that? Yeah, I know it. There it is. Perfect.

You're hired. It's one of my favorite comics to watch. I fucking love this dude. Just be you. That's all you have to do. Just be you and let it go. Thanks, guys. You're doing good.

Can I hear the first line of the pledge of allegiance? Put your hand in your chest. All right, yeah. What is it? What is it? I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. Great timing right there. It's hilarious.

Oh, American. Joe, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Great timing right there It's hilarious American Joe thank you so much That was awesome Joe Thank you Joe Morisi everybody It's always fun to find New funny people you know He's at Joe Morisi on Twitter

Joe M-A-R-R-E-S-E Fuck yeah Did the Pledge of Allegiance so powerfully that the Patriots still doing the robots. He's just fucking wired on the red, white, and blue right now. Just jacked up on that.

Give him a line of the Pledge of Allegiance. He gets an iron. Fuck yeah. I love that we keep waking up the little Filipino man child in the corner. Is he delivering something? What's going on? This fucking guy is not only one of my favorite people that gets pulled out of the bucket,

but he's also one of the best people at getting pulled out of a random bucket of names. Once again, the comedy stylings of Brett J. Banta, everybody. Here he is. Hi, my name is Brett Banta. I love Asian women. Some people say Asian women are bad drivers. Well, I'm a horrible driver whenever I see an Asian woman. If a Japanese stewardess asked me to follow my sword, I would do it.

I would just ask her to swallow it. Have you ever been on a plane and it's so turbulent you know you're going to die? You look over at one flight attendant and she's crying because she knows she's never going to see her pet dog Fufu ever again. Then you look over at the other flight attendant and he's crying because he knows he's never going to see his boyfriend Fufu ever again. And I'm crying because I'm like, they're going to find all my busty Asian porn. Have you ever watched someone get a gold medal around their neck at the Olympics and you're like, I gotta get my shit together? Have you ever checked your bank account? Have you ever checked your bank account and you're like, I gotta get my shit together?

Have you ever been watching porn in your basement and you're like, I gotta pick up my kids? Hello? Hello? pouring your basement, you're like, I gotta pick up my kids. Hello? Hello? Negative. What again? Oh, a little helicopter at the end. Fuck yeah.

Hey, Tony? I couldn't even hear the end of the... Yes? Could I think what his opening... Could I say what I think his opening line should be? What? Hi, my name's Brett Banta, and I like murdering Asian women. Yeah. I was going to say that.

It seems natural. I like that. Oh, it's so funny. That was a good Asian joke. You really love Asian women, right? I could feel it. Yeah, totally. Me too.

Strong preference. What is it about them that you think you like so much? They don't talk that much. What do you think when you see one? They fit in trunks easier than me. They don't talk back. They usually never go missing.

I think growing up in the South, I didn't see many. And then when I go to work... Yeah, because they're all dead over there. They're like a forbidden fruit. What? Forbidden flute? The forbidden flute.

Oh, I love it. Do you get a lot of massages? You should. Yeah. Literally, it's 40 bucks, and they touch you for an hour out here. I want to see a talk show where it's just Brett Banta and Joe Morisi talking back and forth.

That's what we call an instant classic right there. Just two funny cadences just trying to get through a conversation. Fuck yeah. When's the last time you hooked up with an Asian chick? It's been a really long time. Did you say a very long time?

A very long time. Wrong time. Is that her name? It's been a really long time Of having sex? Or just Yeah, I mean, it's been a while You know what?

Oh, you're married? Yeah, yeah, yeah Really? Oh, okay She's not Asian, right? Oh, yeah, she's Japanese Oh, yeah That's right

And it's still been a while You got the best friend. That's right. And it's still been a while. You got the best kind. And it's still been a while. Pussy on lock. Bound. She's Asian. Yeah, I just like Japanese airline stewardesses. When I had to go there for work, I was like, there is nothing.

Are you just jerking off on the floor? I'm completely with you on that. There is a little thing where airline chicks have a cuteness edge. You could put a four in an airline suit. It goes to a six, seven. She's Asian on top of that. Come on. I'm working on something where I would be

during the gladiator time, I'd be too afraid I'd be killed quickly, but I would go into the arena to fight for a Japanese airline stewardess. That's the only thing I would fight for. You just had me picturing everything old school gladiator and then there's just

this Japanese airline stewardess sitting there. The only thing that's blue and like... What do you do besides this? Customer service? No, I design skateboard graphics and I'm a designer so I have my own

clothing line that I'm trying to do. Fuck yeah, put the Japanese woman to work. Cheap labor. They don't talk back. What does your wife do? She makes the clothes. Where is she? She's at Foxconn.

I like writing. I really want to do comedy. You have a good, weird personality that works. It looks like you thought I could have been a murderer or just do comedy and you're like, fuck it. I'm just going to go do stand-up.

You do have that funny, weird... It's good. It's good. It's killer. Serial killer. Fuck yeah, man. You're awesome, Brett. Every time you come on, you kill.

What was the last thing that you said? Because I couldn't hear it. It's almost like everything goes mute because I'm waiting to hear it. I'm so excited that the bear is going to come out because I knew you were going to hit it. I let him have some time for that. I had this thing on. I watched someone get a gold medal around their neck, and I was super bummed on what I've accomplished and I was like you know you gotta get your shit together

I'm like you look at your bank account gotta get your shit together I once laid a towel down over my first daughter as a baby when I was having road rage I was like you gotta get your shit together and then I end it with have you ever been watching porn in your basement and you're like I to pick up my kids.

So it's like a closer. Oh, I see. I was trying to add that into the minute. Japanese porn, you got to throw in there. Yeah, there's no other kind. Sure. Are you? Of course.

Because of your height, you must have a pretty big dick. Does your wife ever say that's too much for her? No, it's normal. If I'm walking around the garage, it's like three inches. What? If I'm surfing. Working around the, who, what? I'm like, walking around the garage, it's like three inches. What? Working around the... What? Wait, how's your dick?

How's your size? Wait, why does your garage make your dick bigger? That was the most hilariously awesome, honest thing I think I've ever seen on this show. That's like, hey, honey, I want to fuck. Go to the garage for a minute. Walk around. That happens so quick. That's funny.

Does your Asian girlfriend ever say that your penis hurts her? Well, when I'm walking around the garage, it's three inches. But I think, yeah, it's like three, and then fully erect, it's almost six. But if she has her hair in a bun, I don't know why, it's almost six. It's literally three. Right. And no problem, you can go all the way into her and everything, and then she doesn't say it's too big for her? bun. I don't know why. It's almost six, literally. No problem. You can go all the way into her and everything.

She doesn't say it's too big for her. There's been trouble. There's troubles, yeah. The Asians have short vaginas. It's weird. Which makes me feel like the man. They're so shallow. That's why they scream so much. Yeah, it's kind of gnarly.

So when her hair's in a bun, that's kind of gnarly. I don't know. When her hair's in a bun, that's your favorite thing. I like if I'm on a plane and it's Asian Airlines or whatever. I wouldn't pick Asian Airlines, by the way. Not Malaysian, sorry.

They're the two planes that have crashed recently. The one in San Fran and the one in it's all Asian. Have you been to an Asian country before? I think just Japan for work. That's where you got crazy. Is that where you met your wife? No, no, no.

She's American. Orange County, yeah. How did you get her? Did you like stock... Did you buy her? I actually know. Orange chicken? I was actually growing up in a bathroom on Fairfax.

Wait, what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Start over again. Domino's Pizza. Start over again. I was in a bathroom. Say that again. Say that one more time.

I was a bad drinker. Of how you met your wife. Go. You're a bad drinker? Yeah, I was throwing up in a bathroom at Domino's Pizza, and I came out with my friends, and they cleaned me up, and she saw me, and she... That's when you're feeling left. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, she kind of tracked me up, and she saw me. That's when you're feeling loved. Yeah, no, no.

Yeah, she kind of tracked me down, and, like, she was really awesome. That's awesome. She wanted to, like, take care of you. She wanted to, like, make you feel better right off the bat. Oh, that's real love when you see a drunk guy all thrown up. You're like, you know what? That's my guy right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

She's like, how does that happen? Oh, my God, I found the one. Also, she had a skateboard skateboard Which I couldn't believe And she's into skateboarding I was shocked by that She was trying to skate A match made in Damiana Her name's Happy

Jeremiah That's her name? I thought he said he was growing up in a bathroom Like it was the pursuit of happiness. And he was just like stealing that storyline. He's like, oh yeah, so I grew up in a bathroom and anyway, it made me the comic way. Your wife's name is Happy?

What's her last name? Ending? Hello! Nice. It's too easy. Yes, yes, you can. You can use all of this. Unfortunately, her name's not Indy. Happy Indy? What's that?

No, I said, would he use it in a joke? Her name's Happy. Unfortunately, it's not Indy. I thought you were going to go with Gilmore. His brother's name's Sad. You have a brother named Sad? For real? Oh, for the joke. I got concerned. I got concerned about it concerned Thank you for your time

Brett you're the best Thank you so much He's on Twitter BrettJBanta He's a lucky bastard Yeah man That's pretty lucky To be fucking drunk in a Domino's

And find the love of your life And she's Japanese The Japanese girl that I dated That's pretty lucky. I mean, to be fucking drunk in a Domino's pizza and then find the love of your life. Skateboarding nurse. And she's Japanese and loves skateboarding. The Japanese girl that I dated, she would, like, put me down to bed and then wash my whole face and put, like, lotions all over my face and then clean my hands before bed every night.

And I'm just like, aren't you tired? She goes, yes, but, you know. That's why I think so many guys are into, like, Asian girls because they just treat you like a guy. Do you think they would still do that today if they would not drop the bomb on them? No, I'm being serious. Do you think it affected how they are?

I think it probably did. They probably think there's something really hot about the powerful bomb-dropping Americans. That was pretty crazy shit. But the cool thing is that he snagged one up, so that's the positive of the whole story.

It's true. I like how you guys clap about that. It's tragic stuff. You've got to clap about it. Oh, yeah. Brett. Fuck yeah. Let's get one more in here.

Let's do this. Slam through it. You guys ready for your next comedian? I bet you are. Yeah. T-Pap. T-Pap, everybody. T-Pap.

That's the front. Everyone's got the creepy friend you can't take anywhere because he's a guaranteed cock block. So we're out one night at the bar, and we're outside smoking a couple cigarettes, talking to a couple girls. And, of course, who comes up? The walking cock block.

And his way of hitting on women is, I guess, creepy, to say the least. But he comes up, we're talking, and it's a little cold outside. He starts rubbing this girl's arm like this. He doesn't know her, by the way. He just met her. He's rubbing it like this, and she's got the most horrified look on her face. And I turn to him, and, dude, what are you doing?

He's like, I'm keeping her warm. It's called convection. All right, two things. Number one, that's not convection, it's conduction, so his science is off. And number two, you're fucking rubbing her arm dude you don't know her it's creepy none of us are getting laid now thanks bro he doesn't get it he keeps doing shit like that all the time i'm gonna stop myself because that's all i wanted to say tonight there

you go t-path microphone fuck yeah man fuck yeah man you definitely need to edit man there's like Keep half. Microphone. Fuck yeah, man. Fuck yeah, man. You definitely need to edit, man. There was like the first 20 seconds you were talking about, you guys were all smoking cigarettes, hanging out, and it was all, I just remember, all unnecessary. You really need to go, I have a friend that's a cock blocker. He came up and started rubbing an arm.

That whole thing you just said could easily be said under five seconds. Okay. Yeah, just get to the funny fast. Cut to the chase. Yeah, because you're explaining all that shit. You lost people right away. And there wasn't a joke really there because the only joke, I guess, was that no one's getting laid. But that's just common sense of what a cock blocker is.

You need to have at least four jokes already by the end of that minute, three jokes. And there wasn't really a joke there. It was just like you talking about a cock blocker, which we're all like, yeah, that sucks. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost four months. And how often have you been getting up? It depends on the week. Sometimes I'm only able to go up once a week.

Sometimes maybe it's two or three. It's not as much as I'd like, but with my job, it's just really tough. What do you do? I deliver packages, so I have to be up really early in the morning, and there's just days where I don't have the energy to even leave the house. Meth? Pills? No, Amazon.

Really? For Amazon, you sell pills for Amazon the package? No, no, Amazon. Amazon. Really? For Amazon you sell pills for Amazon? Prime? No, no, no. I deliver. Some people might sell pills on Amazon. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, Prime.

Yeah, yeah. So it's just physically demanding. I have to be up way early in the morning. So I don't get to go on stage as much as I'd like. How long are the shifts that they make you work there? Minimum is like 10 hours. Minimum? like 10 hours. Minimum? Wow.

So it's like 5.45 in the morning, and 10 to 12 hours you're out there driving. Have you got any weird deliveries to weird customers and shit like that? Yeah, okay. Every week there's something, but last week I got cussed out for delivering a package. What happened? I got cussed out for delivering a package. What happened? I got to this apartment building,

and it was one of those intercom things where it's kind of like a doorbell. You just press it, and it goes, but it sounds just like that, actually. So this one, it didn't work, so I didn't know if it rang the apartment or not. I waited about 15 seconds, and then I started to leave to go to my next stop, and I get back almost to my van and then I hear this

girl screaming, hey, hey, hey! That was good. And I'm like, oh, oh, here. Even this story's way too long. You said she cussed you out. Let's just get to that part. So she goes, what the fuck?

You're supposed to wait. I'm like, I waited 15 seconds, but I didn't hear anything through the intercom. Yeah, it doesn't fucking work. And I'm like, well, I don't know. It's my first time here. No, you've been coming here for three days in a row, and you don't fucking wait.

You just ring the fucking bell, and then you leave right away. You're supposed to fucking wait when you ring a doorbell. And I'm like, all right, here's your package,'s your package lady thank you see ya people at home are shooting their dicks off wow yeah so yeah that's like but every week there's just something yeah how long have you been working for amazon about about four months all the same how long have you just moved la four months i grew up I grew up in LA.

You just changed your life in every way four months ago. What happened? I'm getting a job at Amazon Prime and I'm chasing my dreams, man. No, no, no. It didn't work like that. I had a job that I worked for like five years and I got fired. What did you do? I worked as

a valet, actually. It was a pretty cool gig, but I got fired. What did you do? I worked as a valet, actually. So it was a pretty cool gig, you know. But I got fired from there after five years. I like your look. What did you do to get fired from the valet? I just had a, like, they hired a new manager, and this girl, she didn't like me, and she finally got a reason to fire me.

What was the reason? You're not supposed to be here. This is not your time. It was, basically, I dropped an F-bomb in front of a co-worker, which is totally common, but he ratted me out to her, and they said, oh, well, you can't use that language. You're fired. Fuck, yeah. Oh, man.

There you go. Man. I don't know if storytelling is your thing, T-Pap. Yeah, I'm trying to. Yeah, I think you just got to bust it out quick. You're driving 10 hours by yourself. I think you should talk to yourself and just

record it and then listen to it and then you're gonna realize... Francisco's encouraging you to go crazy. Just start talking to yourself. Stop showering every day. You need to really let it rip. That's one of the funny cons, friend.

Start talking to yourself. Create bad habits in your life. TPAP, thanks, man. We're going to keep moving on. He's on Twitter at IDIT. IDTT Podcast. IDTT Podcast. All right.

Fuck yeah. IDTT Podcast. IDTT Podcast. Hell yeah. Every episode we have two young ladies who are also comedians that have been being built here over months and months for each episode since

we started. And this week will be no different. Going first tonight, a college dropout from the University of Florida after she did stand up for her first time on Kill Tony. She's been a comedian ever since. Put your hands together for Kimberly Conner. Hey guys.

So when I first moved into my apartment, I really wanted a puppy. I asked my landlord. He said no puppies. Find a roommate. So I was like, cool. There's a lot that goes into finding a roommate. I don't know if you guys knew that or not, but

it's a process. I had to check backgrounds to make sure they'd never attacked their former roommates. And when she wanted to move in, I had to do a whole bunch of paperwork to get her. She moved in. She started shedding in the shower. She's kind of a bitch.

Like, I could have just gotten the fucking dog. You know what I'm saying? But I guess there are good parts to her living with me. Like, I don't have to pick up after her shit. It's cool. She doesn't sleep in my bed.

She's up to date on her vaccinations. She doesn't shit out heartworm. What else do fucking puppies do? That's it. I get it. The end. Fuck yeah. I rather...

It's interesting because you can get to it a lot faster by saying, you know, my apartment doesn't allow dogs and I just got a new roommate. And yeah, and she's a bitch. Yeah, just going to poo. And she's shedding in the shower. I mean, you have everything there. You just need to get rid of the absolute dead air which is the first 20 30 seconds yeah have like a you know more of an opinion it's like I think like you

kind of like just were saying it instead of like just really like fuck my apartment got you know more of an opinion about what your point of view you know just but plus the dog wouldn't pay you rent paying rent I mean if the dog paid you rent that's probably better

yeah she's house trained she's pay you rent. She's paying rent. I mean, if the dog paid you rent, that's probably better off. She's house trained. She's instead of you don't have to pick up her shit. I guess that works. I guess I see why that could work both ways. But they both like peanut butter. Yeah.

You really have a new roommate? Yeah. Hot Asian girl? Yeah, she's Asian. Whoa. Red Manta's coming over your place tonight. He's bringing his trunk. Yeah.

Well, at first I thought of it because I said that having her is like having a new pet. It was weird on the first day. She kept coming out, and then if I come out, she'd go back in her room. Yeah, that's funny. It was just, like, kind of awkward, you know? Like, when you have a new puppy and it's all shy. And that's where the idea came from. But, you know.

How's it going, though? Fine. How long have you been doing it? She moved in on Saturday. Oh, no, your stand-up, I mean. Oh, stand-up? Like, 10 months, I think. And you dropped out. What were you studying? What were you majoring? I was

production and a minor in theater. Okay. Yeah. And you dropped out? You dropped out? Yeah. Now I work at a production company, and I do stand-up. You did theater for minors? Yeah. Like in school, yeah. Oh, okay. Like with hard hats and stuff. I was thinking. Theater for minors? Yeah. Like in school, yeah. Oh, okay. Like with hard hats

and stuff, I was thinking. Theater for minors. This week is Digibot. Hey, pal, get out of that well. Hey, you. It flows. Theater for minors.

That's the funniest picture in my head just all construction hats in the audience what do we do doing jazz hands on a stage while these guys are like what the fuck are we doing here see I was thinking of younger kids me too that's what I thought of what if it's like minor minors

minor squares we're just a bunch of kids in a coal mine. Oh, no, that canary doesn't look very healthy. Well, let's go in and make sure. I think that canary's full of shit. Oh, it's hard to breathe in. Oh, I don't feel so good. I feel a little dizzy.

I want to just sit down for a minute. I'm sure I'll catch my breath. Cue song. I don't feel good. Weird. I think I'm dying. Dying. Fuck yeah.

Well, you just got a sketch. Instead of us helping you stand up, we just wrote a YouTube video. You get to now take and go direct. Or somebody else will. Miner miners. Fuck yeah. Miner miner in theater would be the full production. Can't forget that theater part.

I got a minor in theater, except it's in Minor Minors. I got a triple minor. And it's in A minor. Oh, yeah. There you go. That's the quadruple minor. Yeah. It's also very gross if you get the visual.

Hey. Melodically, I very gross if you get the visual. Hey. Melodically, I mean. Once, once was just mine. This is now all of ours. Okay. Kimberly, thank you so much. Another hilarious new minute. Cut out.

It's so much set up in the beginning. You could just get right to it. Fire. Our other regular is always funny, always goofy. You know her from the Dysentery podcast. And, of course, Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody. I'm not quite right.

Not fully crazy, but I don't think I'm quite right. Not fully crazy, but I don't think I'm quite right. On Saturday, guys, I spent two hours on Pinterest looking at photos of baby animals. Two hours. Yep. Fall asleep with a sleep mask on. I wake up frantic every morning, pull it off. I'm always like, well, what'd I miss? I was afraid of missing things. I have a lot of PJ outfits, like tops and bottoms. I have nine PJ outfits. One of them has cupcakes on it. One of them has zebra stripes on it.

The other one has candy canes. I mean, there's nine of them. There's only seven days in the week, guys. I have a lot of weird thoughts. I spent a lot of time today thinking about celery. Why? Like, why did I spend an hour and a half today thinking about celery and how it's not good and how it's only good with things on top of it, like peanut butter? Why does celery even exist? Who even likes ants on a log? Okay. Judges, does it count? It was weird.

Judges, does it count? What was that? That was amazing. That happens when you take a step back. I don't know where it's coming from. Jeremiah's part. I love it. My favorite part of that was when his phone made a noise

and my reaction. You were like, what the fuck? Like fucking this guy, but that's all you gave. It was a pshh. That was great. What did you say before celery? Before celery, I said I'm not right in the head. I spent two hours

looking at photos of baby animals on Pinterest. And you have a lot of pajamas? Yeah. Nine pairs. You do? Yeah. Tops and bottoms. Wow. Full on PJ outfits. Wow. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you

change them every time? No. I have my favorites. The cupcakes are one have my favorites, you know? Like, the cupcakes are one of my favorites. That's like saying, get into central here. Those of you listening to the podcast might remember that sound effect from the vine that you saw Red Band post right now at this moment live. This is it. A live Vine.

Vine's live. Okay. You didn't really, none of the jokes really hit me this time around. You usually pretty much get right under me and make me laugh and giggle. I mean, the celery thing's there. You could start with the celery. I was going there. I should have just gone straight for the celery things there, yeah. You could start with the celery. You know, that seems more like right up your alley. I should have just gone straight for the celery. Your style is so established that those of us that know you

know that you spend a lot of time obsessing over little things. You don't even need to set that up. Everything you've ever done, that's already been established with you. Okay. And you could get right into the celery and like you she has a real knack of breaking little things yeah that's the thing like i think this is my first time seeing it i just i think you were kind of were a little all over the place and i couldn't right see like i didn't know who you i mean i didn't know what that right it was like

too much to try to fit in for like yeah i I think you should have stuck to one. And then that shows you, yeah, like he was saying, how you get upset of little things. I'm like, okay, I can see what makes you, who you are. It was just too much. What is ants on a log again? It's like when you take peanut butter and then on top of that, you put peanut butter on top of celery and then on top of that you put the raisins. And I already have a thing about raisins.

So that's like a double nightmare. As we all do. We've all had a long history with our hopes. But I think you should put those situations in other situations so people could relate to it. You know what I'm saying?

Like we could picture you on a date or doing that, like obsessing or you know what I'm saying like we could picture you in a date or you know doing that like obsessing or you know just instead of ranting

about a topic make it in a situation that we're all comfortable with so people could relate the audience and be like oh yeah I've been in that situation

and then I could see you doing like and it'd be funny to cause that's what you know in like then picture you in a movie

or a sitcom or something like you would be that character you know if a casting director is like, I can see that girl playing that weird shit. Why is that guy laughing?

That was a weird-ass laugh. Creepy. It's just a villain hanging out. Sarah, thank you so much. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Kimberly Congdon's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Those are the regulars.

Jeremiah Watkins, thank you so much for stepping in and being our head of security tonight. You kept us safe. Mission accomplished. You're on Twitter at Jeremiah Watkins. At Jeremiah Standup. Ooh, Jeremiah Standup. You're the one.

Check out his podcast, Thunder Pussy, on Death Squad. Check us out at Comic-Con. Ooh, Jeremiah's stand-up. You're the one. Check out his podcast Thunder Pussy on Death Squad. Check us out at Comic-Con. It's hilarious. Check out the Joe Rogan episode if it's your first time listening to it. It's fucking awesome watching him do it. It's great. Thunder Pussy's the future. Francisco, what's going on? I'm headlining the Comedy Magic Club

next week. Nice. 15 and 16. Heck yeah. So if you want free tickets, hit me up at F Ramos Comedy. That's my Twitter. He's on Twitter at F Ramos Comedy. That's Francisco Ramos.

Oh. Not fuck Ramos. F Ramos. That's just for the ladies. Perhaps Framos. F Ramos Comedy. Yeah, but if you want to go and get free tickets,

hit me up on Twitter. Sandro. Dolls Beep. What is it? Dolls Beep on Twitter. D-A-L-L-S-B-E-P. It's like Balls Deep, but I flip the D and the B because I'm a very clever person. It's all about fucking.

I'm working for Lyft this weekend if anybody needs a ride. Let me know. I'll have to be directly next to you because if not, it's totally random. But either way, I'll pretend like I don't know you. I have to get to the parlor right now if you're on the clock. I don't have my pink mustache, but if you want to... That's fine.

Thank you guys so much. The Ding Dong Show is next here in this room. Thank you guys for coming out, everybody. Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Outro Music