KILL TONY - KILL TONY #460 – QUARANTINED #15

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 06/22/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad. TV. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day. So check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest, Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento, October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th, and then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st. Go to Desquod.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com.

That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliff, and he has tour dates and he has some merch there. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. E. Belt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters. And he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to Ryan J.Ebelt.com.

And last but not least, shop squad. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And he also have the Kill Tony shirt there. Go to Shop Squad. Dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the beautiful in-crowd studio for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony. And's clear. Yeah. Here we are. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

How crazy is this? Look at this. Absolutely stunning. We are here at a place called In Crowd Studio. They're on Instagram at In Crowd Comedy, all one word. And they were nice enough to let us do a little wild and crazy super show here. As you could tell by this backdrop. And the great Ryan J.E. Belt is here.

Everybody, as always, in studio with his own beautiful setup. This is absolutely incredible. And we're excited to be. here. I'm telling you. We're going to have some fun. Yeah, a lot of people might not even know what we're looking at pretty much an oval. Like we're in a circle of LCD screens. This in the background is a huge LCD screen. Yep. We are not at the comedy store. Believe it or not, shockingly enough.

However, it does have a taste of home here. We had some delicious Vito's pizza before this. We had our caveman coffee. Everything feels like this is the closest to the comedy store. We've been in months, which is absolutely. crazy. I want to sleep here. I know. It's amazing. We're going on the road too. A bunch of dates coming up, supposedly. Miami and other things coming up. Tonyhenjclip.com, deathsquad.tv.

You can find that all there. And yeah, Ryan J.E. Belt's drawing tonight's episode. We're going to check in with him later on. And this episode tonight is brought to you by Adam and Eve. The number one adult toy superstore. Auga indeed. Adam and Eve says the best part of staying home is playing at home.

You know about this. Oh, yeah. This is where I go. This is my go-to plays. I've already used them many times to get toys for my partner, which is a female. And they have everything you want. I get dildos and booty holes. Yeah, I know.

I actually recommend it. I wonder if you remember. See, cool thing about Adam and Eve, they have butt hole trainers, butt plug trainers, where it comes with a small one and you work yourself up to the big one. You're already on the X-O, right? I'm on the maximum. I have the gaping, the gaping Adam and Eve toy. Yeah, it has the little tail.

He looks like a little pony. It's adorable. That's right. That's actually why they call me the golden ponies. They have every kind of lube and lotion, couple toys, lingerie. Great place for lingerie. If you want to get some, you know, sex it up a little, get your girls on crotchless panties. Absolutely.

And you can take advantage of the downtime right now and choose almost any one item and get 50% off at at adam and eve.com with the code, kill Tony. and you already did this. You get 10 free board and busting gifts. Every time you get 10 free, you get six spicy movies, a three-piece bonus kit. And best of all, you get free shipping delivered discreetly right to your door. You know what I mean. It comes in a box.

It doesn't say Adam and me even has like goo all over it. It comes in just a nice box. Well, it wouldn't come with the goo on it. You would put the goo on it anyway. Yeah, because I'd be so excited. Check it out. Just remember to use the offer code Kill Tony. That's Kill Tony at the checkout for this amazing.

deal. They have thousands of products. Sex toys make being at home so enjoyable. In fact, shopping from home is more enjoyable. When you are shopping for sex toys, p-p-pah-b-b-purn, go to Adam and Eve.com and use that offer code Kill Tony to get 50% off. Just about any item, plus 10 free gifts. Use the code Kill Tony at checkout. There you go. All right, so we're in the show, live from In Crowd Studios, and let's jump right into it. We have a band on this show. Every single episode they commit to being different characters, and we never know what they're going to be. Maybe it's the return of famous characters that we've seen before.

Maybe it's their first time breaking in brand new characters. Jeremiah is not going to be with us here tonight. He's coming back from a little trip. And boy, is he going to be upset. But the rest of the band is here, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It is the Kill Tony band. Joel Jimenez and Jetsky Jesse Johnson.

Whoa. Oh my goodness. Oh, wow. No permit, no barbecue. Live, Laugh, Love. They are Karens, everybody. I know these characters for sure. These are Karens, absolutely.

Oh, my God. Is there a permit for this fucking show? What is happening? There isn't. What are you going to do about it? I'm calling the cops right now, and I know the code and everything. Hello, officers?

Wow, that was quick. Straight to officers. You didn't even have to talk to. Yeah, why you didn't know that? We have our own special phone line. Oh, my goodness. So you're Karen, I'm guessing, right? Yeah, don't fuck it up ever again.

Well, who's this young lady over here then? Hello, I'm also Karen. Oh, Karen and Karen. And I'm also appalled. Oh, what are you mad about? Everything. Oh, my goodness. Crotchless panties.

What's the point? Well, you can actually get crotchless panties right now at Adam and Eve by using the promo code Kill Tony. That's the only thing I liked about this was Adam and Eve, because it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I did like that as well. Cairns. You guys are out of control.

What part of the country do you guys live in? L.A.? America. Yeah, America. I was going to say the same thing. Wow. Karen looks like a squirder. They're both Karen.

Which one are you talking about? I don't even know what I mean. I'm talking about the one on the drums right now. Yeah. Because you can't make those jokes anymore to actual women. You have to pick all of our jokes on women tonight are dedicated to this Karen. I am an actual woman. Because men are bullying females.

Do you guys know about this, Karen? American men. Okay. So we are going to be joined by Cairns all night, and we have an incredible setup where we'll be watching the videos and everything like that. A bunch of people set in sets, and we'll get to meet them, talk with them, find out more about them, blah, blah, blah. You know how this works.

If you're watching these quarantine episodes, you definitely know how the show usually works. So let's just jump right into it, shall we? Your first submission tonight, I have it on my phone. I took a picture of the lineup. We went digital tonight. So let's just jump right into it, watching a submission. Your first performer of the night goes by the name of April Walterschid. Waltershed.

Here we go. Hey, all right. Here's April Walthershed, everybody. And here we go. Hi, my name's April Walthershide, and I really like meditating a lot. I love the peacefulness of it. So I thought I'd read a meditation as Gilbert Godfried. Close your eyes!

and bring yourself to a calm, quiet place in your mind. Just stay here and relax. Comfortably and notice how amazing the sound of your breath is. Just listen as the air moves in and out, in and out, quiet, and it is beautiful. You can feel the peace that surrounds you now while you lie in the dark alone in your bed in quarantine. Nobody cares about you. You will never find anyone to marry. Don't even worry about it.

You have enjoyed the meditation and you feel at peace. Thank you very much. All right. April Watershed. Getting tonight started. Hello, April. How are you? Can you hear us all right?

And it's Walter Shide. I'm so sorry. I'm going to be a Karen. I'm going to be a Karen. Oh, I love that. That is true. There's three of you all around us. We have an opening.

You're welcome to join us at any time. Can you play the saxophone? Well, Jesse, you're amazing that you can play. the saxophone. Do you play any musical instruments, April? I dabble in drums. I know what's playing. Like, I know what they're playing on the drums.

Like, if I can't replicate it. You look like you know how to play the cats. Yeah. I'm allergic, but I'll play them. Oh, you're allergic to cats? Yeah, but it doesn't mean I didn't have any growing up. Oh, yeah. I just died on allergy meds as much as possible.

Absolutely. You know, I was covering your face with my hands just to look at your actual face, so I couldn't see your hair while you were doing that impression. And you look exactly like him. That's pretty crazy. Right now you don't. But when you're doing it. It was incredible.

Even the physical part of the impression was spot on. I personally was insulted that you did an impression of the great Gilbert Godfrey. And I just want to say that it's nice this week that an older female comedian is insulting and taking advantage of younger male comedians. Whoa. That was the saddest rim shot I've ever gotten in my life. So, April, where are you? So I'm from Phoenix where Jesse's from, and I moved to Burbank right when quarantine started.

So right at the right time, follow my dreams. That's incredible. You're probably extremely close to us right now. Probably like Alameda and victory. Yeah. Oh, shit. That. My goodness.

I don't want to give anything away. That's not where we are. That's where someone... Yeah, we... You best be neighbors. Wow, that's incredible. What do you do for work? Right now, I had a job with finance, a finance guy.

And then he's all... He's kind of like Trump, but for finance. He's really into himself. You know that Trump is into finance, right? Yeah. And he's obsessed with suing and all that. I guess that's part of it. Yeah.

But yeah, I want to do with him. Just all about himself. He doesn't care who has to throw under the bus, you know. So my hours are cut. He gets the job done. So you don't work for that guy anymore? I do, but like. What do you do now?

You're just mostly focusing on your Etsy? I'm focusing on Etsy. You really are? I should. I'm focusing on the Patreon aspect and the Pinterest aspects of life. What are you doing on this? those forums. On Patreon, I'm posting more impressions of Gilbert Godfried because I guess I heard one time I did

that impression at an open mic online and one of the comedians was like, everybody does that. And I'm like, okay. But so I'm posting more of those videos though. And then Cardi B impressions. Oh, wow. Can we see a little bit of a Cardi B impression? Yeah. I haven't really practiced one much, but I was going to do Cardi B.

I'll do my vegan joke as part of B. Then I'll go into something I do as her. So here's Cardi B like as a vegan. Uh-huh. Well, Nikki Minaj and I, we don't have beef. We have kale. So like that's more like Elmo meets like Cardi B.

Tony. Yeah. I love this. I don't get people are offended when a white woman does an impression of a person of color. I love it. I'm for it. It's not appropriation. It's appreciation.

I love what you're doing. Honestly, you can join us any day of the week. Oh my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I just didn't like Elm. because I heard he's gay. And the guy who does his voice is black. That's incredible.

I didn't know. Here's the other one I'm working on. It's not perfect yet, but it's Cardi B as dial up internet. Oh, okay. I get it. I get it. Yep. That's enough.

I hope so I didn't know. Maybe you had a big punchline coming there. I wanted to stop you. No, that's good. That's good. That probably surprises people. I get the feeling that your fan base probably doesn't know much about who Cardi B is. Maybe if I'm 35 and I turn 35 in quarantine, I don't have boobs yet.

So yeah, they probably are all like, they're all six-year-old men, so they may not even know. What was your last post on Next Door? Oh, man, my last post on Next Door was that, oh, my best post. vibrator actually got stolen. So if anyone's seen it. No, you did it. You really did that? That is true.

Librator was stolen by like a maintenance guy, like the maintenance guy's assistant. I think it got stolen by me. Most likely. Oh shit. But like when I first moved in, this is in Phoenix. When I first moved in,

somebody just stole my, I had like a little TV and someone stole the remote to that. And I'm like, do you need it that bad? Wait, your remote to your TV was a dildo? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Do you really think someone stole your dildo?

I actually moved from that place in Phoenix. I haven't found it, so I'm pretty sure. I only kept it in two places, and it's not in it. I think we know what those two places are. Have you farted lately? I farted and my Roku started. By the way, you could just go to Adam and Eve and get a new one. I queefed and Hulu came on.

That's right. Wow, that's incredible. So what else about your life? Any other crazy fun facts that we would find interesting about April Walter Shed? Is it Cheetahed or Shed? Oh, Shide. Shide. Yikes.

Not exactly a name built for show business. No. It's like Gallifanakis. It's like learn it or don't, I guess. I get called Walter Shit, so that's a fun one. I've seen people get struck by lightning as a child. and Do you think you perhaps had something to do with that?

Did you have mind power, do you think? Which? I think had Karen, like, seven-year-old Karen mine powers back then. Huh. White power, you might call it. How many people did you see get struck by lightning? It was like three people. It was all over the news in Tucson on Mount Lemon,

and now I'm scared of mountains that are Mount Lemon. Oh, they're fine. Whoa. That's the sound of someone being electrocuted. Is that what it sounded like when you saw it? Wow. Oh, my goodness. Like everybody.

Wow. There's so much energy. No, I'm so nervous all the time. That's so interesting. All right, April. Are you, you have a husband, a boyfriend or something? No, I'm vegan. I can't get any.

Oh, my goodness. Nothing worse than being single and losing your dildo. Take it from me. I know. I tried to be a vegan. I couldn't stomach all the cubs. come. Wow.

Red band. Welcome to another episode of running his bits. Trying to remember my bits. There's nowhere else to do it, Tony. There's nowhere else to do it. Brian's bits are where this lady's dildos are, hidden in some drawer right now. Vegans can't have come because it's an animal byproduct.

Yeah, we can't. But vegan ladies who have kids, like breastfeed their kids, and that's vegan. So I don't know how that works. That's interesting. We would lock them up. You know what?

I think these can. Parents have a new thing to protest about. Yeah, breastfeeding. Yuck. Yeah, do it in private. That's all I care about. Why do you have to do it in public? That's disgusting.

Yeah, what do you got there? Those are some interesting. Keep your hands away from me. Oh, my God. All right, all right, all right. Well, April, thank you so much for submitting in. You're a fun character. And we'll see you soon.

Hopefully when the store opens up, you can make the trip over from Alameda in victory. Yeah. I think I know somebody that will give you a ride. Yeah. I'll see you at Blink. Fitness. You can bring her on your motorized bicycle.

Yeah, it does. It fits too. I love it. All right. There she goes. Thank you. Thank you so much. April Walter.

What was it? Shide? April O'Neill on Instagram. Or social media, perhaps, of some kind. Heck, yeah. We're having fun. This is all working. What a good Gilbert face that was, too.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought it was a face app. That was incredible. You know about that, Karen? Oh, I know about it. What social media apps are you on? All of them.

Because I've tried to stand formed and tell everybody what they're doing is wrong. How about you? Are you on social media? Everything. Trump's the gram. White's to gram. Okay. Hitler's togram.

Okay. Council all barbecue stagram. All the stagrams. All right. Cairns. Your next submission goes by the name of Dylan Albright. So the band's going to play some music. Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up.

All right, here is Dylan Albright. Hi. Whoa, holy shit. She does a Dylan Albright impression. You never notice the... Three or four clowns running on one collective timer, and we'll see how good they do under pressure. I'm holding up a gun.

You can't tell. We're going to bring up... Number one. You guys ever met a gay clone? And then, uh, tied him behind your, uh, tied him behind your truck. No homophobicness here. All right guys, let's bring up clone number two. Actually, it's homophobia.

Don't correct me, bitch. Thank you. All right guys, let's go ahead and bring up clone number three. Clone number three. Look at you, you piece of shit. You're supposed to be, what, a parody of Tony Hinchcliff? Is this all Dylan can... Is this what you find funny?

Is this what all of you? Is this what you? Is this what you find funny? Huh? Any of you guys? Huh? No? No? I didn't think so. Yeah, fuck you, cloney.

Look at your stupid suit jacket. You look like more of a lesbian than Tony Hinchcliff. What the fuck is that? Take that shit off. Was that... Hold on. Answer, is that? Does that belong to a dying relative?

Do you fucking daddy die? Yeah. Do daddy dying that? Because nobody should have fucking live with themselves in that goddamn awful jacket Take that shit off. Man, other than that, you guys ever heard about a... There it is, Dylan Albright.

All right. Hello, Dylan, are you there? Yeah, I'm here. Hi, Dylan. That was fun. Kill Clooney with a bunch of clones of yourself. That's a way to fucking make something out of this crazy quarantine time. Oh, yeah.

I've had nothing to do except for just... black unemployment, smoke weed. I love it. Where are we talking to you from? Where are you? Northern Michigan. Northern Michigan. I had a feeling.

I get these northern vibes sometimes. Yeah, you can feel it. I can really feel it. And you're in your garage? My parents' garage, actually. I'm sure, I don't know if you picked up on that one too, but yeah. Yeah, no, I got, I have a feeling. Doesn't that look like a regular bedroom in Michigan, though?

Isn't that what mostly Michigan bedrooms usually? A lot of the bedrooms. They consider one bedroom with one garage. bedroom in northern Michigan. Hey, and that's the only thing keeping me from moving out. How far North? Jewish white trash.

How far north are we talking? West Branch. West Branch. It's such a fucking small town. Nobody... Is it near Traverse City? It's about a couple hours away from Traverse City, yeah.

Okay. I've been to Traverse City before. It was fun. All right. So what do you do for work up there? Right now I'm a security guard at a campground So like I said Good old Northern Michigan trash You seem like you'd be a cool security guard at a campground though That is such an important job

When you go camping You want to make sure the vibes are cool And that there's a dude there You ever bust anybody for anything Or you just trying to get a little Hit a weed here and there Yeah I'm just really trying to Really trying to make enough hours

To where I can still rake into some of this quarantine unemployment and just fucking, you know, live it up. If I live it up, I mean, live it at my parents' house. What do you usually do? Like, for real, like, you just keep an eye on, like, all the boys and stuff? Like, what do you do? Yeah, only the boys.

He's a security guard for a campground. Yeah. You know what happens at a campground, Brian? I used to go. I don't, are you, are you talking about, like, Cub Scouts? Cubs Scouts, Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts. Yeah, that's not really what happens at a campground. I don't go near them. Too many black bears, honestly. You ever go camping?

You don't seem like a very campy type. I've been camping. I have two tents. Oh, you have tents and rollerblades and a bicycle. This is incredible. A hamming. A kayak and a kayak. Yeah.

I've been, I used to go to summer camp every year. Two tents, one man. Weeks. Wait, you went to summer camp every year for weeks. When are we talking about, though? We're talking about 30 years ago. Are you talking about 35 years ago?

Oh, I mean, recently I haven't gone in L.A. You still have your tents from Cub Scouts? No, I bought one to go camping on the. beach once, but we got there and it was too sketchy. Really? Was that up north of Malibu? Yeah. That place is unbelievably awesome. You totally should have done it. Yeah.

The night we were there if it's really sketchy. Oh, that sucks. Like windy. People smoking marijuana. Yeah. Loudly is there. No, it was like really windy. Like the weather sketchy. Hip hop. You needed this security guard to keep an eye on this sketchy characters for you.

Can I just say I like this guy? He looks like he writes a great manifesto. Hey, exactly. I'm actually pretty sure. I'm pretty sure I'm Jewish. So I know take it back. That's okay. That's okay.

That's okay. As long as it's white, right? I like this guy too because sometimes I feel like a security guard. You know, I see things that aren't right. Yeah. And I'll insert myself and report to the police. You know, put myself on the line. So if there were some sketchy characters at the campsite that Red Band was trying to camp at,

how would you go and bust them? What would you say to them to wrangle them up? Can you give us an example? Can you do an impression of yourself doing what you do for work? Hey. Yeah? Guys messing with my friend? Wait, what? You're friends with that guy?

Yeah, I'm a friend with, yeah, that guy. I just sucked him off about 10 minutes ago. Oh, Jesus. Brian, I had no idea. Yeah, he wants to go in the jamboree. He has to, you know. Yeah, he actually likes Blumpkins. Okay, so I was cleaning the outhouse.

He was in there before I was about to clean it. came back around. He was still in there about 20 minutes later. I'm going to go to the cans on this one. I'm going to cut you off. Are you trying to kill Brian with laughter by saying the word Blumkin? He almost died. That's a salt.

Yeah, a Blumkin, it's not even Halloween. They're not even in season. Blumkin is also Red Band's password for everything that he logs into. Blumkin 69-420. Blumkin 69-4-20. I realize when, yeah, it doesn't matter. So what else? What do you do for fun, Dylan?

I actually, I do stand up, but like right now, obviously not really not doing it too much. But trying to, you know, Michigan's sort of opening back up. It's a tight, it's a tight crevice. It's opening up. How long do you stand up for? About like a little over a year. I'm going to say a little over a year, but I don't want to say a year and a half because half the fucking year, you know. It's gone.

It feels like so. Yeah. It's crazy. Who's your favorite comedian that you've seen live? Ooh, that's a tough one. Have you seen any live shows? I have not seen any, I wouldn't say anybody relevant live. I've mostly been to, I guess I've started grinding out on open mics.

Right, no, that makes sense. You'd have to buy a ticket to see somebody good live. Yeah, because, yeah, I'm kind of far out from Detroit. You don't seem like you're in the ticket buying business. You look like Louie cheesecake. Whoa. Oh, that would make sense if cake began with a cake. I rub my dick in the cheesecake too.

Cake makes sense. I guess it makes sense. Louis Cheesecake. So you've never gone to see like a comedian, like live, like a legit comedian? No, actually. It's just so far. I feel like, I mean, there's a couple of, I was going to see Dave Landau a couple months ago, I guess before things kind of, you know, clamp down.

But he was in Bay City, just like about narrow out of him on that. Michael Moore used to do his own comedy festival. Traverse City. That's actually why I was there. That's where I got to meet, actually open up for and meet Sinbad, six, seven, eight years ago, something like that. And I had a blast. That was incredible. I remember that night, and I probably talked about this when he was on the show years ago. But Sinbad was one of those ones because it was a festival where I had to, I had another show after opening for him.

So I'm like, okay, but I'm going to watch a little. bit of Sinbad from the back of the room before running to that show. And my mind was completely blown. I was expecting Sinbad to be like very joky, do a set, probably not up to date. And he was literally like, what else do you guys want to talk about? And someone would be like, Clorox. And he'd be like, bo, boom, bo, boom jokes instead of saying. Right, yeah.

That's one of my next adventures once I can get into some open mics again. I'm going to try to hit up some actual shows. I thought you're going to say talking about Chlorox. Yeah. Oh, no. You guys have any bleach jokes? You wash a lot of clothes. Drink it.

It's good for you. That's right. That's what the president says. It's going to solve all of our problems. All right. What's your mom like, Dylan? Is your mom a Karen? Yeah, I guess a little bit.

She's a little bit of a Karen. She's a, you know, really Christian, you know? You know, kind of one of those Christians. She's very offended by swear words. So, you know, I got to watch my fucks and my cunts and my dicks and my cocks. Whoa, my goodness. I'm gracious again. Red band's about to sign a check to you and just send it to you if you keep saying words like that.

All right. Why would I do that? You like dirty words. Brian comes in. He's like, I adopted a kid, guys. You're not going to believe that. He was living in a garage in Northern Michigan. It was love at first Blumpkin.

We're going camping next weekend. He's got two tents. You have enough tents for it. Yeah. I would only need one, though. That's true. I'll secure you. I'll secure you, Red Band.

Yeah, I'm sure you would. You look very comfortable. Oh, my goodness. I love it. I'm very comfortable. Well, Dylan, thanks for your submission, man. And hopefully we'll be in Detroit again soon. And maybe you can swing by.

Come say hi. Right on. All right. There is. Dylan Albright, everyone. Dylan. Watch out, boy. She'll chew you up.

Because she's a man eater. You know, I was thinking, I've never thought of my. My mom is a Karen before, but when you came out, you came out with a sign that said live, laugh, love. And my mom does have that absolutely everywhere in her house. That is a very Karen quality about her that I never realized. She's very pro-swear words.

She's very dirty and edgy or whatever. But that live-lap love, she's got a little dose of Karen. She wouldn't call the cops on anybody if her life depended on it. She's a very street. Whoa, what's going on over here, Karen? I don't need the male gaze staring at me right now. What were you just doing with your breasts? Whatever the hell I want.

What did you just ask her? Oh, I guess I can't ask that anymore. No. Did you even say? Police? Hello? Oh, my God. How did they pick up so fast?

They're waiting. Are you on walkie-talkie? She's on like Karen line. All right. I'm on whitey-tidy. Ooh, la-la. Okay. Well, we have a, this is the part of the show where we get to check in with one of our

regulars, one of our favorite human beings on the planet. It is time for William Montguyen. Montgomery. William Montgomery. Here he is, William Montgomery. How are you, William? Jamaica! First off, I want to say,

Happy Father's Day to all the Virgin Incells. Dude, why do you have a giant collection of feet? That is my impression of me walking into a foot locker. Please direct me to the nearest foot locker. That is my impression of a cannibal walking into a shopping mall. Why was Santa Claus at the shopping mall in July? He has Alzheimer's. Are they filming a protest or an N-1 mixtape?

It's a nightmare that Bert Chrysler is stealing my use of saying the word nightmare as I do. What's y'all's take on that one? I just saw that. Tony just showed me that. That's pretty weird. I want to see proof that he did that five years ago. Go ahead, William. What I'm saying?

It sounds just like me. What I'm saying is I discovered this past week, I can put my mushrooms in my inhaler, and I'll be quite frank with y'all. I've been eating a bunch of the Jamaican chocolate. It's called almond joy. You did it again. I've been climbing a bunch of people.

magnolia trees down south. Yeah, I climbed trees. What a who? Wait, what? Can you do the punchline again? I didn't hear it. Hey, what's up, y'all? I've been eating a bunch of almond joys.

No, but just the magnolia. And trees a bunch recently. I apologize, y'all. I've been eating almond joys. I fell out this tree. Oh, there wasn't. There wasn't a punchline. That's why I got confused.

What do you mean? what does that mean, I'll be quite frank. I apologize for the jokes I said last week. My YouTube page is now AWOL. Yeah, that is true. William Montgomery's YouTube page got... Do you take responsibility? Can you say that in English, you piece of shit?

I take responsibility. Oh, someone takes responsibility for you. Yeah, do you also? Do you take responsibility? Yeah, that was really funny of that piece of shit to do that. Was that Yonder Wizard? I take responsibility. Someone else takes responsibility for your YouTube page, it turns out.

Wow, that is, without a doubt, that is Aaron Paul, right? Is that his name from Breaking Bad? It sounds like the guy from Breaking Bad is taking responsibility for your YouTube page. Just me and me, just in Jamaica, we're at the Mars candy bar factory. And he's like, hey, are you going to take these? And I'm like, yeah, these are called all bitch woods. And he just says, hey, what are you talking about? We're in Jamaica.

Oh, that's a great impression. We had Gilbert Godfrey impressions earlier, but your Jamaican is perfect. Yeah, I don't like it. Who said that? There's just something about Jamaica that I don't like. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. It's not America.

What are you talking about? America, you're right. That's it. There's just something about it. I just feel like if I was there, I'd feel outnumbered. William, where are you? Are you on the usual back porch that you're usually on? I totally am.

Hey, Tony, you know I don't normally do this, but can I tell my best Jamaican joke? Absolutely. We would love to hear your best Jamaican joke. Here it does. Y'all just picture me at Showtime at the Apollo. Just the clown. I'm looking at them on the side of the curtains. I just put my hands on the log and I open up with us.

The cornerbranca, you bracket a corner of God. That is a book I'm working on about an American code breaker that goes down to Jamaica to crack the code the biggest the biggest code Jamaica's ever seen and in the middle of the guy

cracking the code a Jamaican guy taps his shoulder and he says the corner braga you crack a car that last part where it sort of trickles out is that what you think Jamaican sound like you could say that tony okay all right well that's cool this episode is brought to you by adam and eve have you ever used any sex toys for real

william you make up a lot of stories but a genuine question i can see your face just got very serious and i'm expecting a very serious answer i grew up putting balloons in my bottom your balloons were they blown up already or were they just unblown up uh rubber balloons They were the long balloons that you blow up and there's a hand thing on it. You bop them with your fist. I used to put them things so far in my buttle. Hey, Redband, did you just do that dumbass noise? Yeah, I did.

Your girlfriend gave it to me for free. I put two in your asshole, you bitch. You wish you could fit two in my assail. You can't even fit your pinky in my ass. Yeah, I wish I could see your asshole. Yeah, you want to see it. I want you to come over right now. Look at it.

Oh, my God. Okay, give me your address again, bitch. You guys are so weird. I want to spread those cheeks. Clean it for me, will you? Oh, God. Yeah, I'd love to clean it for you. Please.

Bring it. Oh, my God. I want to touch your butt hole. I feel like it looks pink. What would a Jamaican guy say if he saw Red Band's butthole? That's Jamaican? Ruud. You cracker a cold, cold brain.

Oh, Lou's a bite. He only knows that is say codebreaker in Jamaica. He's going to break up. What else has been going on with you this week? I've been climbing up trees, dude. How far up a tree have you gotten in it? Are there any pictures of this? Probably two stories up of Magnolia, off of Magnolia Avenue.

It's a street up here for all of my Filipino listeners. Yeah. It actually, yeah, it has some magnolias. I get probably 30 feet off the ground. ground and then I can't read Oh, Bob. Is there a tree in the backyard that you can like put your phone down and set it down so you can watch? Can you say that a little

slower you bitch? Is there a tree in your back that you can climb up Can you find a tree in my backyard? Can you climb a tree right now? Can you climb a tree right now? Can you have somebody hold the phone while you climb a tree because that would be podcast history. I guarantee you that in the history of not

this show but in the history of podcast there's no way anybody's ever climbed a tree live. Will you please do Are you climbing a tree? Yes. Will you climb a tree right now? You know, we improvise these things on this show. So I'm asking you if that's something you'd be willing to do.

Yes. Here we go. This is amazing. This is a podcast history, ladies and gentlemen. This is like when JFK was shot and they went live to whoever that newscaster guy was. He's about to climb a tree without a permit. Oh, my God. Yes.

It's okay, Karen. It's very exciting. It looks for Americans. You know, I think we should get a little bit emotional here for a second. And I'm going to tell you that when this quarantine started and, you know, us being the only podcast that is naturally and always organically filmed in front of a live audience, that we thought that this could be our downfall. And obviously, clearly our show has taken a hit. It's stock without having a live audience. We can't do as edgy of jokes as we would like to do because we always rationalized it on a crowd laughing.

we thought it was our downfall, but when you never give up and you continue to strive in this business, magical things can happen. And this right now for the first time in podcast history is a man climbing a tree, and that man is William Montgomery. How's you going, y'all? I'm probably five stories up. That's it? You can't go any far.

Go far. I'm probably five stories up. Come on. You are streaming now to thousands of people. That's as high as you're going to go. Police, there is an orangutan in the tree in my front yard right now. Please, somebody get here. Or I'm going to shoot it.

Keep going, William. You can do it. We believe in you. We believe in you. This is the highlight of the quarantine for Kill Tony. The only place to go is up. Can the cameraman step back a bit? Because we're not convinced that you are even really.

Can you get the ground in the shot cameraman? Whoa. He's way up there. Hey, what's up, Cole? I'm probably five stories up. Five stories. Yeah. My goodness, this is incredible.

You know what else has never happened? No one's ever fallen out of a tree before in podcast history. Rule it about. I think you can break the code if you know what I'm saying. All right. My foot is stuck. It's been fun, but my foot does her. Wow.

This is like if cops was brought back for just one night. I believe it. He's five stories up. White men never lie. He's up there. Yeah. Wow. I'm trying to get down.

Cameraman back up so we could see him fall. Yeah, come on, cameraman. We don't need a close-up right now. Oh, my goodness. At least he's down to like three or four stories. Oh. There he is. Wow.

William Montgomery, podcast history. Is there anything you want to say to the people after you just were the first man to climb a tree live in Kiltin podcast history? How's it going? Y'all listen to 4,000 degrees by Juvenile. I'm on one of the tracks. Oh, I didn't know that.

What part are you? Oh, my goodness. Oh, God. All right, there he is. MC Open Wound. All right, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. We love you, William.

Great job tonight. Yeah. That was great. Trying our best to get through it. That was a highlight. Yeah. Climbing a tree. All right.

Let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next submission comes from a great young man, who we actually know. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kelsey Hudgens. Here we go. Came in like a wrecking ball. Here's Kelsey Hudgens. everybody. Kelsey. You ever walk in to Walmart and see

the self-checkouts are closed and then just walk the fuck out? So I really like McDonald's a lot. I'm really glad that they got rid of the play places because technically those count as a park and I'm not allowed within 50 feet of one. I sometimes get really nervous

at the drive-thru at the bank and just order for McDonald's. I realize that there are two seasons in my life. There's CoinStar season. and there's cornstarch season because if I'm not using one, I'm using the other one.

I also realize that I was becoming more of an adult when the powder in my life switched from cocaine in my nose to cornstarch on my balls. My safe word is rape. That's great. A minute from Kelsey Hudgens. King Ball came in like a wrecking ball.

What's that, buddy? Hi, Kelsey. How are you, man? Outstanding. How are you? I love it. That was great. great.

This is who I, one of the guys I play virtual reality with every single night. I know this guy, like four hours, five hours. That's great. Sometimes I check in on you over there. Which character are you?

Younger Wizard. I'm the Merlin. Yeah, he's like a big wizard. Okay. He looks like a Disney character wizard. All right. Yeah. I sometimes check in on you.

I was watching you guys fly off of like an aircraft area. Oh, did you see that? Yeah. Yeah. It's so fun. You got to try it sometime. Yeah. It's great.

It's all so wild to me. me. Sickening sometimes. And he also sent me a bunch of Chaffee over. Thank you from Myrtle Beach. You're welcome. Is that where you live? Myrtle Beach?

Yeah, I'm in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Born and raised? Capital of West Virginia. Well, yeah, I was born and raised about an hour and a half from here, but yeah, pretty much. That's cool. How long have you lived there for? Here in Myrtle, I've been

here for about about 13, 14 years. Mm-hmm. but I've lived in South Carolina since, you know, all 33 of them. Yeah, I love it. And you're a big, kiltony guy, active very much on the internet and whatnot. What do you think of our new setup tonight? What do you think of this set?

Dude, the production is outstanding. And everything so far, too, like the letting us know everything, like the production and shit, it's pretty... Top-notch here, guys. It really is. A brand-new studio that they are. are doing and they have it down already again it's at in crowd comedy on instagram follow them and tell them how much you appreciate uh them stepping up for us yeah incredible production so uh yonder have you ever done a um stand up before well yes i have but also like

i i'm a i'm a musician so i get a lot of stage time and i do a lot of talking in between and shit. So like I'm always running jokes or always just doing crowd work and stuff in between sets or in between songs and things like that. So yeah, that's right. Yes. I actually have seen you perform music before. You sent me your solo guitar solo from the song, Time was it? Yeah, yeah. How often you, how long you've been playing music for? I've been playing music for 20 years, but professionally for 11, 10, 11 years? You've heard of Dave Grohl, right? Oh, yeah.

You look like Dave Gruel. You look like Dave Troll. Dave Troll. I love it. Block voice. You only play guitar? I ask you. I mean, I play whatever's around, but guitar I'm most comfortable with.

You have any comedy songs or anything like that, or you don't mix the two? Not really. Most of my shit's kind of sad. Yeah. But, yeah. That's fun. Your jokes were fantastic. You know, when you live in Ohio, I don't know if you did this also.

Myrtle Beach used to be the place where we would go on vacation every year. That was like our Florida. If you didn't want to drive down to Florida or California, we'd just drive to Myrtle Beach. Every single year we went there with three other Italian families. And we just had this huge party. It was awesome growing up. The yachtsmen. Yeah, they say Florida is the poor man's California.

and Myrtle Beach is the poor man's Florida. Yeah. Yeah. It's affectionately known as Murder Beach here amongst some of the locals now because there's like a shooting every other day. Oh, it's getting bad day. We're coming for you, Chicago. Oh, interesting.

I never recognize that as a dangerous place. It's per capita dangerous too. Like, are its numbers actually raising up? Or are they just complaining that it's a murder capital because it's filled with Karen's that think one murder year? is bad. Yeah, a lot of Yelp reviews. Yeah, they're not great. And I mean, as far as like city limits and stuff, because I'm outside of, I'm like 11 miles,

I'm in a little town called Merrill's Inlet, which is right next to Myrtle Beach. So, like, I'm away from it. But, yeah, there's always something going on in Myrtle for sure. I love it. What else do you do for fun when you're not playing music or writing? I have a podcast. and I do I obviously record music and stuff like that.

What do you talk about on your podcast? Joel was on it, wasn't it? Yeah, my friend Joel, he was on it. Ryan J.E. Bell was also on it. Oh, cool. Very fun.

One of the most fun podcasts. So you just interview people or you ever have any solo ones or anything like that? Yeah, well, it started out. I quit drinking about, I was a bad alcoholic because of being of Myrtle Beach.

But I quit drinking about four, four years ago in some months. And I actually picked up a pretty bad cocaine habit after I quit drinking. And stopped doing all of that shit, sobered up for sure about three years ago and had to fill something with that. So I just started turning a camera on and mostly talking to my friends. But then it was, you know, hard to get people to commit to showing up. So I would just talk to myself.

Yeah. And I used it as like therapy, honestly, like personal, personal therapy. I guess just talking about your problems and shit. So that's what it became and help me fight anxiety and shit by just getting things off of my chest through that. Hell yeah, absolutely. That's a great way to fight anxiety. Speaking of filling holes,

have you ever gone to Adam and Eve.com? Oh, I have an Adam and Eve's store. Oh, really? Yes. Tell us more about it. What's in it? I've never been in, but I can imagine that it is full of,

as they say, dildos and booty. That's absolutely right. Absolutely right. Fuck yeah. Is the McDouble your actual go-to? Because I found that interesting. Very rarely do I hear people bring up the McDouble, but the few times that I've been to McDonald's as of late,

which averages out to about once a year, the McDouble is actually my go-to. Have you tried, the quarter-pounder is the only one that's fresh now? Like everything else is frozen? Oh, you know what? Maybe that's the one. I think I got it. I'm going to say, I know you're a big fan of the,

the burritos as well, the breakfast. Oh, that's the only, that's the only time that I really eat at McDonald's is for breakfast. I'm obsessed with their fajitas, even though they, and, you know, people make this joke a lot about, oh, again, and then I had diarrhea. Well, I'm the kind of guy that I don't get diarrhea off of anything, not a Chipotle or crazy food or this and that, but my goodness, if those McDonald's fajitas on the airplane don't wake me up from my sleep an hour in, I'm sorry people. My booty hole is burning.

Oh, it really. It really is. It's just out of control. But I still, even though I know that an hour after eating it, I'm going to have diarrhea. I can't help myself. The breakfast fajitas, and they have this disgusting packet of salsa that comes with it. They call it mild pecanque and spicy pecante. The only fajitas I'll eat are from McDonald's.

Oh, my goodness. So you said that you had cocaine up your nose at one point, and now you have cornstarch on your balls. Why do you have cornstarch on your balls? You never did that? At restaurants, we would always take a handful of cornstarts, go to the freezer, and put it on our dixote so we wouldn't get the rash when you're walking around as a waiter.

You know the service industry trade. Yeah. Cornstarch doesn't seem like it would be the proper thing to put there. It doesn't like fucking luffering. It's more for thickening sauces and gravies. This is why I'm glad I have my sheath underwear. Yeah. Oh, by way, my sheet inside out the other day.

They have the little pouch for the balls. I had him inside out, and, you know, I don't wear pants when I'm at home. So I was just putting my cell phone in there. So if you wear it inside out, it's a good cell phone holder. Look at that. My goodness. I could never lead to ball cancer or anything weird like that. No, it's fine.

Wi-Fi just ravaging your testicles. I put my phone in my front pocket of my sheets, and I put my ear buds up my asshole, and I... My nuts have never been bigger. Doesn't everybody do it like that? Talk about Bluetooth. I'm wearing sheet underwear right now. Five G's. I love it.

Yonder, you seem like a smart guy. You have any fun conspiracy theories or anything wacky about life you want to share with us? You believe in anything weird? Of course. He's a virtual wizard.

I'm a virtual wizard. I believe in wizardry. No, I believe in like ghosts and the demons and angels are the same thing and things like that. I feel like I'm a haunted person. I feel like shit just happens around me all the time and I've gotten used to it.

Roommates over the years have mentioned it. Have you ever been looking at someone from far away and then they get struck by lightning? Only once. Oh, wow. This is incredible. Only once as a child. In Tucson?

in Tucson, Arizona. Wow. I have two sons myself. What's the weirdest thing you ever did or craziest thing you ever did for cocaine when you were addicted to cocaine? Good question, Karen. I never did anything crazy, but I will say this, that I'm in a band and I have been for a very long time. So I have 100%. And the checks for the band get written to me, and I paid the band out.

So I have 100% spent all of the band's money on cocaine for myself. Oh, my God. A lot of times. What's the name of your band? Cornbread. Cornbread. Yeah, also the American sound. I've been a few bands, but the main thing is cornbread and the American sound.

I like the American sound. Cornbread not so much. Red band is showing an iPad with a wizard on it. Yep. That's about the other wizard. That's me. I love it. That's you in the future.

We're trying to get Jesse on to play with us in VR chat. We just had Dustin Barrow play. You got addicted to it. That was my avatar. I mean, Jesse's avatar. Right. It was what? It was what?

A wizard. That's his avatar. I know, and now I have to find the new one, and I'll be there. Oh, that'll be awkward if we come dressed the same. Yeah. Yeah, you can't do that in the virtual reality world. Yeah. It's virtually unheard of.

And then I was going to go as a hammock. And I remember it. Yeah. I'm going as a kayak. Yeah. I'm going as 210. That's like 20 McDonald's. I'll be the electric bicycle next week.

This conversation is too tense. Yonder, one last question for you. Other than talking out loud, do you have any other advice for someone whose life might be negatively affected by drugs and alcohol? Perhaps you have a good little tip for them if they need help? Yeah. If you feel like it's a problem, it probably is. and because a lot of people do these things recreationally and it's just not an issue they can stop whenever but if you find yourself like needing that to do whatever it is you do then that could very well be getting in the way of other shit that might could advance your life because like not the a lot of good things have fallen into place for me ever since I've done that and it's kind of like the good karma from making your life better is a lot is repaid by the great things that you are rewarded with from the universe.

verse or God or whatever you want to call that thing. I love that. Absolutely. And wise words from one of the musicians from the band Zizi Muffin Top. Yes. Yeah. That's us. You look like if Jesus had too much of the body of Christ to eat. I'm also keeper of grounds and keys at Hogwarts.

Kind of mind to me of Ryan Mervis a little. Yeah. He's like Ryan J. Mervis. Oh my God. You guys don't know how funny that is. Ryan's mad at me now. Police, there's been a murder. There's been a murder. Quick trigger on him.

Without showing it, you can still tell he's completely. Ryan, you can take off the mask right now too. You don't have to be. Ryan J. Ebell actually drew me. Oh, really? Is that true? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Do you have a drawing nearby? You got a custom work from him? Yeah. Is it far away from you? I mean, not really. He just goes to the other side of his garage. Five hours later. In the meantime, I have a message for anyone struggling with drugs.

Let me know who you are, and I will call the police on you. Where's my camera? Is it this one? Just say no. Karen. You shouldn't be hanging around in areas where you can buy those drugs, because we all know where those places are off. He's got the guitar right there.

He was waiting for us to have them play a song. Oh, that's awesome. A real Ryan Jen. Jebel. Look at that. That is so cool. That is incredible. So he commissioned that for you and you got it.

Two, two. Yeah, something like that. That's awesome. I absolutely love it. All of Ryan's works available, Ryan Jeebelt.com. Where can they find you, Yonder? At Yonder Wizard, Z-Z-E-R-D on Instagram. At Kelsey Hudgens on Instagram and Kelsey Hudgens on YouTube.

Kelsey, this was awesome. and your jokes were great, man. I'll see you tonight in virtual reality. There he goes. Yonder Wizard, Kelsey Hudgens. What was that? Killediscor.com. There you go, absolutely.

Kelsey Hudgens, everybody. Yeah. Like a cracking ball. All right. Let's just keep it moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, your next performer goes by the name of Martin Phillips. Ooh, la, here's Martin Phillips, everyone. Hey, Martin Phillips here.

Live in quarantine. I mean, I'm wearing the mask where outside. It's that I had Scotlandons on it because we're all gonna die. I never thought I lived in this all anyway. But I think my disability makes me a good person because without it, I just be a straight white male. And that's the worst person. You know, with it, people think out that's been through some adversity.

These are strange times libraries have started to do for some. curbside pickup. So you know it's bad if people are eating books. You know, if burning books, that's fascist, eating books, that's survival. I've always started to perform in a library, you know, because if no one lasts, it's okay because we're in the library. You know, everyone will be there saying, shh, I'd be like, hey, I'll be here all week. Check out the nonfiction section. It's for real. Raffee, that's midnight. Thanks, bye. Exactly a minute from Martin Phillips. Martin Phillips.

Martin Phillips. Hi, Martin. How are you? Hey, what's going on? Indeed, I remember you very well. Absolutely a destroyer from Washington, D.C. Yeah, that's me. I can't remember.

Are you a golden ticket winner, or did we just put you on all the shows? I don't think I'm an official golden ticket winner. You just put me on. Right. You're just the DC. The DC sniper will call you. Yeah, okay. Are you still in Washington, D.C.?

Or Virginia or whatever? Yeah, I'm in Virginia, not D.C. I had, they sold my apartment. So I had to put stuff. And I lost my job. So I put stuff in storage and I back out my parents' house. Okay. In Virginia Beach.

I'm in the Virginia Beach area. Oh, okay. Is that far from Myrtle Beach? Yes, it is. Yeah, it's like in Virginia, North Beach, and South Carolina. Right, yeah, no, I got it.

How'd you lose your job just because of the pandemic? Yeah, being a substitute teacher just to work when there's no school. That is absolutely correct. Definitely. But I got unemployment, though, and that's been pretty sweet. Hell yeah, absolutely.

Substitute teachers don't get to teach online classes or anything, huh? No. No. Interesting. I don't want to alarm anyone, but it looks like someone might be breaking into your house behind you. There's a black silhouette in his home right now. No, don't call the police on the black silhouette.

Oh, my God. Hello? Do you know? Are you okay, sir? It's a painting. Blink if you're okay. Cairns, it's just a painting. Blink twice, please.

Jesus. I'm in my mom's office. That's a silhouette of my mother when she was younger. And she lives there. Yeah, she lives here. There's no problem. It's the money. She lives there.

I love that even though you're unemployed, you still dress like you're working at Circuit City. Hey, Circuit City shout out. They're close now, right? I watched that crazy graph. Did you see that time lapse thing of the blockbusters being built and then being taken down? Crazy video I saw today. Yeah. Were you a big blockbuster guy back in the day?

we would go to and not go out of video stores so not plug my third but like house of videos or some family video yeah some local tab store

did you ever go into the did you ever go into the nudie part the back room with the dirty videos I was just thinking about this because yeah is we're talking about Adam and Eve I remember my first time in like a porno store. Oh, tell us about it.

I'll never forget this because I was looking at if they have the dirty DVDs. And I found this one DVD, I'll never forget the name. Like if I had money on me that day, I would have bought it. And it was called

calm shitters. Come shitters. Yeah, shit like, shitting it happened, come. Com shitters. Come shitters. Yeah, com shitters. That's good.

Was it spelled C-U-M? What? It was spelled C-U-M? No, Tony. It's C-L-M-E. Come hither. Come shit with us. That way it was saying.

Come. Oh. Oh, the act out is what it took to convince me of the whole thing. I love that. My goodness. I can't believe you remember that. How old do you think you were? Oh, I was like, oh, no.

I was like 18. So, you know, it's like that was my journey. into Manhattan Hood was going into the porno store. Absolutely. Fuck yeah. A little cream pie. Is that your favorite kind of porn?

Like, what is your category of porn if you were at I don't know. I mean, you know. Gumshank. Yeah, hashtag gum shit. Yeah. Can't really do that. Really stuck with you.

Do you have a favorite type that you type into the search bar? Perhaps big, big breasts or... X, Y, Z, F, X, and M. I look up Milts a lot. Oh, Mills. Milk?

Yeah, milk's right. Oh, interesting. That's interesting. You close with your mother? Not on that level of closeness, but she's a nice lady. He's sitting right in front of her.

Be careful what you say. She's not in me right there. I just texted him Okay Cool So How is living with the mom and the dad Or the parents

Or the mom I can't imagine Going back to my parents' house And like trying to stay there I don't know how you do it Joel I mean like I'm around Like if I visit Ohio I'm around like two days

And I want to kill myself Yeah I've been a confet I'm thinking suicide For a couple months after Yeah It might as well do it at home so, you know, like they don't have to like, you know, ship the body anywhere or do anything, you know. Yeah, they're going to bring me here anyway.

And I don't know if you notice that they never turn out on the fucking AC. I'm so hot right now. I'm like sweating. They never, it's so hot in this house, I swear. I thought older people liked air conditioning. I thought that because they have no circulation. No, because they have to pay the bill. Yeah, it's the bill.

Yeah. If you're not paying the bill, then we get to stay when you turn it on. You chip in 100 bucks a month, give it to them, just be like, let me just have the air conditioner. Let me control it. What else is interesting about living with your parents again? I don't know. It's basically just like I'm in high school again. I don't really have to make my meals.

I can just get out when I want to. I don't really have any purpose in life anymore. I have nothing going on. Remind us again, it's cerebral palsy that you have? A muscular dystrophy. All right. Well, are they breaking any ground medically on muscular dystrophy as of late? I've heard.

I don't know why I asked that question. That's a question to ask. When you say you have no purpose in life, I mean, nobody that's doing really anything has it at this moment. Hopefully this all, you know, this all passes and you'll get, we'll all get past it. Don't get so bad about it. We basically all have muscular dystrophy in our living with our parents right now. We know what it's like. But also, if I had what you had, I would go into every store and just complain and get everything I want.

Like, you have a gift. I don't have to complain. It is give it to me sometimes. I would sue everybody. All right. Well, Martin, so much fun. You're an absolute killer. And when we come back to D.C., you got an automatic spot waiting for you, okay? Very cool. Actually, I have tickets to see you guys in Boston. So that show is so happens. Yeah. Nice here there.

Yeah, absolutely, for sure. And thank you so much. And make sure you, how can the people find you, Martin? On Instagram, it's Fly Marty Philly. Fly Marty Philly. And, yeah, Twitter is Funny Philips. I switched the F and the P-A-H-U-M-N-N-Y. So it's P-H-U-M-N-Y. There he goes. Martin Phillips, everybody.

A great stand-up comedian. He's been doing it a long time out there in the East Coast and Kills on live shows. You could check out those past. Washington DC episodes, and he's on both of them. An incredible performer is, yeah, okay, great. We're going to check in with our second regular here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great David Lucas.

What's up? Oh, yeah, you're muted. Can you hear us? I can hear you now. What's up, dog? How are you, how are you, David? How's it going? I'm chilling, man.

Tired a little bit. Get those days tonight, though. where are you at at this show at this place called big shots like what city Los Angeles

Lancaster oh okay what's big shots like no Karen don't pit he's a regular you can get off the phone The screen just went black

No it's okay No that's a He's one of the good ones Get off the phone Karen Yeah I'm one of the good ones bro I'm pro Trump What are you talking?

Whoa holy moly Did you just call her a man? Okay, so you're in Lancaster. So what's the setup there? They're doing shows there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they got like each table. So there's one table that you can sit,

then the next table is blocked off, then the next one you can sit, yeah. Is that in California? And it's actually very packed, bro. People are like craving live comedy right now. Yeah, yeah. When you say it's packed, like how many are you thinking? I say it's about 80, but right now it's probably like 45.

Like it's quarantine packed. Is the audience laughing? Is the show started yet? Yeah, the show started down. They're laughing, yeah. It's a good energy in there. Yeah, it's dope-ass energy, right? Do you think it makes up for the 40 people missing?

Nah. You can still feel it. You know, you can still feel it. Yeah, yeah. I'm curious about that. I'm about to do stand-up for the first time this weekend coming up. I'm doing four shows with Joe Rogan in Houston, Texas at the improv. with 250 people, which normally holds like...

I'm going to say 250,000. It's only 250,000 people. 250 people in a room that normally holds 6 or 700, I think, something like that. Wow. I'm at the American Comedy Club this weekend with, what you call it? What's his name? Josh.

Josh Potter from your mom's house. Josh Potter. Yeah. Yeah, Josh Potter. Mm-hmm. I love that. Yeah, man. I don't know, bro.

It's so hard to do, like, admit it on kill Tony, but it's like like especially like right now but because like a community like me drives on live stand-up. Absolutely. I've said that before on this show. I've given you your own disclaimer where it's, you know, Williams is a silly guy and Michael has an amazing history of, you know, sketch and improv and all that. And you are out of the three, you know, a true like pure, pure, pure stand-up. You really change things. I mean, you know, Michael and William do too, of course, but you really. singularly focus in on the audience, you know, and react and do things compared to what direction

they're giving you. It's, you know, you stand up. So I don't really expect that. But don't trip. I'll be back in studio next week. Okay. I love it. Hey, bro, you, last week, you gained, like, 30 new black friends when you roasted my homies

and making. Oh, really? Brud. You said that like it's a positive thing. All right. It is. It is, because he would pay. They're parents, by the way.

And that's Joel in this. This motherfucker, going to call the police on a nigga walking a black blab. I did it twice this week. I love it. David, you've been traveling a lot this week. Where were you?

I was in Salt Lake City, Utah. I did a show there, and then I had two shows in Las Vegas. Okay. How was that? bro so Vegas don't give a fuck about shit really and Salt Lake the Mormons

don't give a fuck about shit uh huh I was trying to actually I was trying to actually smash a Mormon bro wow yikes was it your first time dealing with Mormons

hell yeah he never met them bitches a day of my life but they're pretty fun aren't they I don't know man they was acting hesitant, you know, a nigga tatted up and shit. So it was like, I get it. I can't bring, yeah, they, you know.

Because what is it that Mormons believe? You're born into sin and you're black and the less you sin and forgive yourself. You turn white or some weird as shit. Oh, shit. I don't know anything about that. That's crazy. It's some weird shit. Sounds like a religion I could get behind.

I mean. All right, Karen. You got a book of Mormon. I'll join tonight. I don't know. I've seen Mormons believe in a lot of black people. there was Carl Malone. He was in Salt Lake City.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, they do got, they do really got, what, a thousand lakes? They got hella lakes, bro. They got what? They got hella lakes. Like, don't they say it's the city of a, the city of a thousand lakes? Yeah. They got hella lakes, bro.

They got hella lakes. Hella lakes. Landau lakes, good place to go camping. You ever go camping, David? Hell yeah, bro. You know I grew up suburban dog. I was in Boy Scouts, bro, I was an Eagle Scout and every time.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I had no idea. I could start a fire with some of, your dreadlocks, red bands, with some of red bands, pubic hair and your body.

I don't have any pubic hair. I shaved it off. With Manscaped. Yeah, 3.0. Use Manscape. Kill Tony. Promocode. For your fresh shaven balls in those sheath underwear.

Go ahead, David. They keep fucking with all the breakfast foods, They're trying to take Aunt Jamima off the pancakes and shit, bro. I'm very upset about this. I heard about her family member said that they are against it because that's going to kill her legacy. It's true. They took away the Landau Lakes girl, the nice Native American girl that's always on the front of my butter. They took away Aunt Jemima.

Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben is gone. Cream of wheat. The cream of wheat guy is gone. Man. Who wants some Aunt Jamama with a fucking white lady on? I'm telling you right now. Oh, the Karen's do it, turns out.

They want to. He's fucking bitch-ass. White man. Excuse me? He's reaching out of the TV. He's going to grab me. Officer. Tell me, call this a bitch-ass.

Bro, they fucking up breakfast food, though. I ain't going to have nothing to eat when I wake up in the moment. Captain Crunch was a lot of people don't know this. He enslaved pirates. Yeah. Count Chalk. They're fucking, what's that lady name? Carol Bassman's going to start fucking with Tony the Tiger.

Yep. Oh, God. That's true. Come on a tiger representing cereal. She's going to start fucking with that thing. Tony the Tiger's been naked this whole time. He's still as a job. Yeah.

You're right. Yeah. It's disgusting. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, I love y'all, bro. Appreciate you off the tapping.

We love you, David. I'm going to be in studio next week. My boy, Michael Lair. shout out of my boy Michael Lara. Yeah, I'll be back to you then. Definitely. Yes, sir. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

David. Oh, you do. That's wild that you would take responsibility for that. All right. It just keeps plowing forward, ladies and gentlemen. Your next performer goes by the name of Sam Davis. Let's see a minute from Sam Davis. Australians, I feel like we're pretty laid back people.

And we're way too laid back. about our dangerous animals. You can tell because we give everything nicknames. Like even people who we aren't friends with, we like how you go on Dazza? Yeah, how you go on Shazah? But an animal will attack you and we still give the kind of nickname. Like what's that? Something bit you? Oh it's okay. It's just a mozzy bite. We call mosquitoes mozzies like they aren't giving us malaria. And did you know we don't call them crocodiles? No respect. We just call them Crocs. Like, that's like you guys calling your version of the millions of years

evolved killing machine, alley. Yeah, watch out for the alley over there. No man, Americans are realistic. That's a fucking alligator. That's a fucking mosquito. And I shot to both motherfuckers. Because when you have guns, you don't have to pretend to like anything. There you go.

song is that? Titanium. Oh, okay. All right. Sam Davis. All the way from Australia. Yeah. Hello.

Can you hear me? Hello, absolutely. We can from the other side of the world. There's a guy breaking into your apartment. He's right behind you. What do you see there? What is that? The baseball cap?

Hello? Oh, my God. No, Karen, don't worry. It's a Bob Marley thing. We were screening these calls. You're freaking me out here. Did you know that? was behind you.

Yeah, they know, Karen. Well, in that case, stay where you came from. A lot of hats on the wall there. Welcome to the show, David. What part of Australia are you in? I'm just near Cairns, which is in far north Queensland. I'm in a little town called Caranda. Uh-huh.

Okay. Right at the top. Okay. On the east coast. All right. Were you close to the wildfires that happened? months ago? No, not too close at all.

I was pretty lucky up here. Okay. How old are you? 24. 24 years old up there in Australia. The top part of Australia. Not many people there, right? No.

Right. What do you do? What do you do for work? I'm going to be a teacher of PE and English. I should have started last year, but I can't start until next year because I got suspended for two years because police came to my house and found a bomb. Oh my goodness.

I thought that was a requirement to become a P.E. an English teacher. Yeah, I thought so as well, but there you go. Suspended for two years. How did they find a bomb? They had intel. They had the house to look for it. I mean, the guy has Bob Marley curtains behind him. I don't know.

I think it's pretty obvious. We called the police on him. But is that just something that happens? They just raid your house and look for bongs? They had the codebreaker, man. Well, my house exploded, so then they found a bomb. That doesn't make any sense, Carrie. Go ahead, go ahead.

They pretty much do just do that. So it sucks, man. What you're doing now is legal, and I got to spend two years. But, yeah, it's probably because of that. Oh, my God. Didgerie do? Didgerie don't. That's what they say around there.

Bomb Marley. Bong Marley. Bomb Marley. Yeah. Is that, okay. Is that your final answer? Yeah, we were talking about nicknames in Australia. We were talking about McDonald's earlier.

What's your favorite item at Macers? That's what they call McDonald's in Australia. No. Yeah. Macers. They call it Maccas. What do you get from Macers? The fillet.

The fillet. Have you ever tried? the fillet oh fish yeah that sucks you know that's how they say it fill it oh fish what was the fake burger cane that they have that looks exactly like burger king that's not called burger king that's not called burger kanga

what is that called what's your what's your burger place with the two with the low hungry jacks hungry jacks it's so weird it looks identical to burger king yeah you have to be you have to be starving to death to want to eat there to literally be like you have to walk through a desert to be hungry enough to eat at hungry jacks right yeah well macas sucks as

well right what do you like to eat you're a p.e teacher give us some advice a suspended never day never worked a day in your life PE teacher yeah um I don't know if red band was one of your students what would you teach him to get in shape I don't know growing up our PE teachers were all the that molested all the kids. Fill me up Phillips was our elementary school. Okay, that's enough. For real. Fill me up Phillips.

Yeah. That's going to be on Twitter. It's so interesting because like P.E. nowadays, they have so many new laws and rules. Remember, they would have us like climb ropes to the top of the ceiling of the gymnasium and like with no harness or anything. He just like ring the bell. And then we had like these nets that we have. jump from net to net. I'm just picturing him making red band exercise

and he's like, this is molestation. I feel assaulted. You used to ring the bell at the top of a rope. You'd like ring the bell when you got to the top. Now you have to climb all the way to the top of the clock tower to ring a bell. Okay. What the fuck?

It was supposed to be a hunchback of Notre Dame. I don't think it came across cleanly. What could I have done better there, Ryan? Dinner bell, something about the dinner bell. Oh, dinner bell, yes. Let me help you out. Now he ringing the Denver bell. Okay.

This guy's not enjoying this whatsoever. This guy's miserable. You know who he looks like? He looks like the middle Brady or from the Brady bunch. Maybe not the young one? No, the middle one. Greg. I love it.

So what else is interesting about you? You're up there in Australia all by yourself. You ever play Boomerang? Yeah, I've got one on my share. Whoa. It's like Australian Star Trek logo right there. That is incredible. Do you actually play Boomerang?

Yeah. Really? Do you have one? Yeah, we have one. Yeah, I do. You have one right now? Yeah. Is there someone in your house with you that can maybe hold the phone while you go throw a boomerang and catch it for the first time?

Or can you climb a tree for us? Perhaps. We've already broken that ground. Wow. Look at that. I think we have the same boomerang. Yeah, we got a couple of boomerings. I think maybe they all look alike.

That's what I've been saying for years. Oh, it won't come back. It'll just hit a cow or something. It'll what? Yeah, it'll break something if you did it inside. Oh, you can't do it in a neighborhood? Oh, I can, but it'll hit a cow. It won't come back to me.

I suck it at it. You have cows? Yeah. Oh, go play with a cow. Yeah, let's go see a cow. Will you stick your phone out and show us one of it? your cows? Oh, they're fucking ages away.

How long is ages in Australia? We don't have, we go off of the metric system. How many big max is that? Yeah. How many McDoubles? 500. They're like a mile away from here. Wow.

Did you come see us when we were out there? No. The top of Australia is like... I became a fan of your show because of the Tom and Frenchy podcast, which is a funny, Australian podcast and Tom from their podcast actually got on to your show when you guys came out to Sydney

and ever since then I've been a big fan of your show and like what's all your shit and then since like you're not doing shows now been catching up on heaps of your old show that's good that's the way to do it if I was a fan of this show I would not be watching this show I would be catching up on old shows that I've already

watched that's for damn sure watch the shows with an audience people that is what's fun. I love it. So for example, just to explain to the crew how large Australia is, like how far of a drive would it be to Melbourne from where you are? Or perhaps even actually Brisbane. Fuck, it would take like five days to drive there.

Right. Five days. And mind you, Brisbane is north of Melbourne. How long would it take you to get to Melbourne? Brisbane is in the same state as me and it still takes five days to drive there. Melbourne would take like 10 days. Yep. That's so crazy.

You don't even think about that. Australia is fucking massive. Yet they don't have that many people there. They're all mostly in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth, and Adelaide. Yeah. Have you ever been to the United States? Hell no. No, not yet.

I'd love to come to L.A. one day. Yeah, absolutely. We've got to get you out there in teaching. So they're your, you're, you're, going to be teaching English to a bunch of Australian people. English is widely known as the greatest language on the planet. Are you excited about that? Do you have any tips or anything that you're going to be teaching the kids?

I love English. I'm good at teaching English. I don't know. I don't have any tips. I mean, I like Shakespeare. I'll incorporate that. Like, it's just one thing. All right.

Yeah. Any other hobbies or tricks? Do you know any magic tricks? No, I don't know magic tricks. Sorry. Do you have any special talents that you could show us? Do you juggle or anything like that? No.

I mean, you're a fucking tease, dude. You have a boomerang. You have cows that are ages away. When's the last time you saw a black person in Australia? My goodness, Karen. But now I do want to know the answer. Because I'll bet you this guy maybe saw three his whole life. Northern Australia is heaven.

No, I'm kidding. It's very one-rate. I want to know because I want to know if I need to move there tomorrow or not. You got to be English. Welcome to another episode of That Was a Joke, everybody. You can laugh at it. That's the types of jokes on this show. It's not really heaven.

It was a joke. I have black friends. I quit. Oh, you. Seriously, how many black people have you seen in your entire life just so that our listeners have somewhat of an idea about Northern Australia is? like look how hard he's thinking by the way I see Aboriginal people

every day I didn't ask that I said black people yeah black people they are black okay every day I guess I won't be going there every day yeah every day bro are they really black black like are they like the same color is

are they more Native American color or because they're sort of different everywhere the aboriginals that I saw Near Brisbane especially, I guess we're a little bit light skin, perhaps we could say. I think they're called African-Australian. Well, Australian aboriginals are 60,000 plus years old, so you could argue that they're actually, that could be what we don't know,

but they might be the most ancient culture in the world. So, yeah, that's black as you could get, basically. Wow. Okay, I guess that's one way of putting it. Remember, cultures I don't want any of them throwing any shrimp on any Barbie near me. All right, they better have permits.

And hamburgers. That's what should go on a Barbie. I mean, barbecue. It's a burger. Yeah, sorry, Karen. I take responsibility, guys. You do? Yeah.

I feel like halfway through this, people forgot we were characters. They're like, the band sucks. You know, you just sit there and look the other way and not pay attention. Well, Sam, two things. to tell you, thank you so much for submitting. I loved it.

And number two, make sure that when this is all over, you close those three drawers that are behind you in the bottom left corner there. They are open. You have open drawers, and I'm not talking about my sheath underwear. And put a battery in your smoke alarm. All right. Thanks for stopping me. See you later, guys.

Absolutely. There's a little something for you to hang your hat on. There he goes. Sam Davis, everybody. A man with a collection of a few hats on the wall. Well, it is come that time of the night, which is highly considered by everyone, including myself, our favorite time of the quarantine season. Ladies and gentlemen, the great, the powerful, the super regular. Michael Lair.

Here's Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen. It is. Yeah. Three times someone does something goof me in the wheelchair on the internet, I get tagged. I know tag your mom every time I see someone getting their dick sucked. My friends won't message me because I'm a hot topic. I'm like a good zooks. But that's okay.

They send me signals by liking my post. A heart from Dennis. A heart from Donald. No, that counts as two hearts. Texas open early, so Texans could go to bars. Now Corona is spiked. Corona won't get away in my boot school boogie. Don't know much about COVID, but I know if you drink, don't drive to the watermelon crawl.

Cali governor made me mandatory wear masks again. Not cause of corona, cause of too many butter faces. You know what this is? A badass motherfucker in need of a Ridge wallet. Come on, guys. An employee got fired for when a Black Lives Matterface. matter face masks. So now Taco Bell is canceled. Long overdone.

In 1982, they started in the mixing mail. Sounds like a Trump-Ashua's fantasy. The U.S.C. just got a fight island. Just bleed. It's also worth a having the president debates. Systematic police room form is a priority. I don't know who win, but in the end,

the octagon would smell like preparation age and make chickens. Weak as fuck with Michael Lair. He used a lot of printer ink on those pieces of paper. Absolutely. Here he is. We're joined by the great Michael Lair. Uh-oh, looks like you have enough. friend in a in one of your wheelchairs there yeah my nurse we got another

zinger chair oh heck yeah we have two now I beat her ass so bad and he needed one now wow I love that two zinger I get out here I'm on TV is there is the new one have new technology or anything better than than the old one? Are they the exact same chair? It's green. Oh, look at that. How about your tents?

You have two tents. You have two things. Are they the same? No, one's way better than the other one. One's an old tent I should throw away and one's like a four-person tent. Okay. Hell yeah.

Michael Lair, that was an amazing performance week as fuck coming off of an incredible performance last week where we heard the debut album of Ryan Ben. headpan and a lot of people don't know this but it placed number two on the billboard this week right behind Takotia 6-9 yeah me and him are doing the duo um because he's porto-reican he can say all the n-words wow back door uh-huh hey can i say something yeah beautiful beautiful studio and the

close-ups on Joe Byr and Justin, they look like shots from a Broadway production of Great Gardens. There you go.

I agree with that. You're a Broadway superstar. Do you know what he's talking about, Karen? No idea. Michael, by the way, Happy Father's Day to you. Yesterday was Father's Day. You got a little bit mad. You

you tweeted out on social media that no one from the cast of Kill Tony wished you a father's day. Well, no one did including my son. And I go, hey, Colin, what's the deal?

He goes, you weren't there most in my life. So I'll meet you halfway. And he goes, happy fuck. And I'm like, all right.

Well, then you. only my son. And he's like, all right, fun. And I'm like, so, fuck, two,

fun, son. And now he won't ever see me again. Oh, my goodness. What a wild ending there at the end. I did not see that coming. That was an M-9

Shaman twist, if I've ever seen one before. Yeah, man. And while we're talking about things that you've put a lot out on social media about lately, one of the things that I also noticed was you were talking about Louis J. Gomez silencing you. Yeah, I'm performing. I'm showcasing like for only industry at Skangfest.

It's like the hottest ticket at Skangfest. Yeah. Me. Yeah. Right? Absolutely. And I look in my bio on the, line young jamy

can you pull that up my bio a team fist if you can all right now I'm fucking walking in that picture for starters

and two that bio makes no mention of the glory of God and his gifts of killed turning to me.

It's like Lewis Jay keeps antagonizing me. Who the fuck is that guy in that picture? I know. People are going to be shocked if they buy a ticket for that guy and you show up. That's for sure. There's no doubt about it.

I'm tired of working with business men who don't like money. That's true. Louis J. famously hates money. Not a lot of people know that. Speaking of money, have you done America's Got Talent yet? What's going on with that?

No, I got the email. They're not taking me. Here's the deal. They put me in a room. Sorry. I have a disease. They put me in the room with a glass. a full grass

and they go eat the glass I'm like I'm super sick I'm not eating a glass and they go all right try again next season so whatever

what my goodness gracious now I see why you laughed when I originally asked you the question oh by the way the Verzi triplets they're on Netflix's new show the

The floor is lava. So check that out. Yeah, I watched it. It is a very interesting show. Hey, what the fuck does that have to do with me? I'm just talking about people that made it, you know, on... I mean, let's face it. The floor is also lava for you, Michael.

I never watched that garbage show. Right. No, it's brand new. It just came out this week. No. And audition for that show. You've been getting a lot of a lot of heat lately because of that gun video last week, huh? Yeah, get this.

I've been in comedy for 20 years and that gun video, by far my most viewed thing ever. So my point is to all you dreamers, give you. up. Now, is there any updates? Did you know for sure if you got arrested or if anything for sure happened? Because you should send that video to the news. It'd be fun to see that on the news. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I'm melting, so I just got back to that. But thank you, Red Band. Thank you. I'll try to provide you more entertainment. Thank you. Thank you much. I like that. I like that.

What else is going on? This fucking guy. I mean it's... I mean, I human shielded historic Filipino town and breadband is like on one of Sweden another police chase.

That's right. Yeah. Yep. So what else is going on this week, Michael? Anything else crazy happening in your life? Yeah. Well, I am my fans have been sending me Tommy Hill figures line of adaptive clothes for the disabled. And it's incredible.

And I'd like to show you the underwear. Oh, we would love to see that. Are they tearaways? They just rip open? Why are you reacting? You're about to find out in 20 seconds. Absolutely. Tilt that camera down.

Yeah, I know what to do. Tilt the fuck. I'm sorry. Get away. You're phony, my nurse. Everyone leave me alone. My goodness. So defensive for a guy that's about to rip his underwear off.

Hey, first off, you see that? Oh, the great William Montgomery shirt. Ryan Jay. Yeah, that's it. I only wear two designers, Tommy and e-bugs. That's right. Absolutely. That is a beautiful William Montgomery T-shirt drawn by Ryan Jen.

Fuck your fucking rim shot, Joe. That's good. All right. Here we go. Let's see these fucking disabled people underwear for the first time. They're awesome. This is another first. I'm wearing two underwear.

I'm obviously not going to show my penis. Okay, are they both disabled underwear? Because I don't think those two should be that close to each other. No. One is wearing the other pair. Oh, okay. So here we go. This is our first time seeing disabled underwear

in the history of Kiltone. You thought climbing a tree was crazy. Whoa, what is happening? Okay, we don't really. need music for this. Wow. Those seem like regular underwear. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And too. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. From disabled to pissable. Am I right, people? Wait, does that say, oh, I thought it's somebody else. Oh, Declan.

I'm a big fan of Declan. Oh, Karen, no. Oh, my goodness. Gracious. That is incredible. So, wow. Why does a regular underwear have that? A little cape?

Yeah. Right? That's what it needs. You could just feel the breeze on a windy day. Open that thing up. That's like a... All right. That's enough of that. Those are the underwear that come if you buy Louis C.K.'s newest album. Wow. It's kind of like a great idea. Hey, how great was today's episode? You think so?

I do. Really? Yeah. I watched all of it. It was fantastic. I love it. And I've known the underwheres in online, and he's a fucking great stand-up.

That was so awesome. I agree. That was good to see that. Hey, can I do two mom jokes? Absolutely. We would love to hear your mom jokes. Well, this is for my nurse's mom. Paula and she gave me these jokes.

What do you call two apples? What? A pair. And here's the even better one from Paula in Buffalo, New York. If two vegans argue, is it still a beep? I like that. We should all have, we should all ask our moms. Look at the whole size space waiting to see.

We should all ask her moms this week and get a mom's joke from each one of her moms and read it next week. And then they'll all tune in to watch and see them show as underwear. Heck yeah, those underwear are crazy. Talk about shut the front door. You know what I'm talking about? They're expensive, so, you know, low taste. Wait, what does that mean? You snort it?

No, it means like money, honey. Oh, hell yeah, you're getting rich over there. Ice too. We're both, you know, we represent. All right, yeah, you got junk. Joel's thing wouldn't even fit through that hole. No doubt. He would wear them backwards and use it as a little poop shoot.

Could you imagine how big of a ticket it would be if Michael did the naked roast? Oh, my God, that would be epic. You know, they do a thing called the naked roast, Michael, where the judges come out naked and two people come out naked. And Joel literally became famous at last year Skank Fest. Nobody knew who he was. It was like, was it the first night or the second night? Oh, it was Friday, probably the second, yeah.

It was the first, like, big night, though. Thursday, the party got started. And then Friday night, they're like, all right, one of your judges from Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen, Joel Jimenez. And he came out with a fucking. third leg this guy. I mean, shocked the audience. Everybody was starstruck by him.

I got to watch the rest of the weekend. Oh, that's so good to hear. All these comedy fans walking by like, holy shit, Ari Shafir, oh, Tony Hinchcliff. Oh, my God, there's the dude with the giant dick. Were you like, I know him? Yeah, this is my friend. I hang out with my husband.

You're always happy for friends when you find out they have a huge car. Yeah, it's true. And we know you do too. Is it true? Yeah, of course. We've heard rumors that sometimes you accidentally back up over it with your chair. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. A friend of mine named Katie Ridge, she said, if I was six feet tall, I'd have AIDS. Yep, that's true. And instead, since you're under six feet tall, you ended up with ALS. That's how life works out. Yeah. God works in mysterious way. But Tony, he brought me to your team.

That's right. And I'm happy to be circling from it. That's absolutely true. And, you know, the door here is always, much like the front of your disabled underwear, the door is always open for you, Michael. Thank you. Thank you.

And when you want your wife back, come over. Okay, perfect. Yes. Michael's been babysitting my wife throughout the quarantine, keeping her busy. All right, Michael.

Well, so much fun. Amazing times. And I fucking love you. And love to. Dave, I'm sorry, Tony. I'll go ahead. Love to David and William. I fucking love those guys.

You know, David gave me a shout out. I talk to William. all the time. Yeah. Just love all you guys. Michael, you are undeniably loved by absolutely everybody. The lovers of the show, the haters of the show, the cast members of the show, the family

members of the show. You are universally loved in a way that I should be loved, but I'm not. But you are truly loved by everyone. It's incredible. You're not as likable. Absolutely correct. Definitely. That's why I'm switching out my sheaths for some disabled underwear.

I'm going to try baby steps, baby steps, you know, like you take when you're getting in bed. Yeah. No, I can't even do those anymore. All right. Well, I fucking love you, buddy, and we'll see you next week. Seriously, great fucking episode, guys. Thank you. The great Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Michael Lairor. Get away. A side bear. See, I don't even mind. Honestly, it's that fucking saxophone. I know. It's like that's the stinger seem hours longer when it's the saxophone. All right, Karen, relax.

It's something more easing about the trumpet. Yeah, it's just so nice and mellow. Because it's spelled T-R-U-M-P. Whoa. That's why I play. I know that's what I'm going to do in the voting booth in November. I'm going to trumpet. No.

Oh, you're welcome, Mr. President. God, people on social media. I absolutely hate the fact that I've ever said anything positive about Trump. I mean, they're drinking the Kool-Aid too, yes. The kombucha. No, it's just a funny, it's a different take than what 100% of everybody else is doing. And can I just say people make fun of his tiny penis, but I like it. I love a tiny penis.

I'm so attracted to it. I'd love to get rail by Trump's tiny little baby dick. I would love that. Yeah. You know what they say? People are always giving him shit for his baby dick. I love a baby dick. I want to get fucked by Trump's little tiny baby dick.

Even though you're a woman, you can't say that you want to get fucked by baby dicks. Oh, well, my body, my choice. We have a special... Wait, what? You also shouldn't be saying baby dick. That's true. It is not the weak to be saying baby dick. There have been enough comedians that have gotten in trouble.

Definitely don't say baby dick. Don't say baby anything. I take Viagra. My little bean turns into one. I like to flick it. It's all good. We're going to keep it moving along. It's enoughia.

Silence the woman. Another Spanish legend on this show. We're going to close it out strong. Ladies and gentlemen, the quarantine legend. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a special treat. It's Manolo, everybody. Surprise. Here we go.

Manolo sent in something. Let's see what we got from Manolo this week. Oh, you don't? Okay. Do you have that video that he sent in? Oh, you don't? Oh, what a shame. He finally deported him.

What was that? Yes. What did you say? Oh, you don't have anything. All right, well, that's fine. Well, then Manolo, like we had that one time, Manolo will kick off next week's episode. So that means that that's tonight's episode.

Let's check out the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. We're stopping him quick here. He doesn't seem excited about it. This is like Jeopardy when there's a champion. I think you have to go over here. Come over here. Jump on stage with us. And behind, yeah.

The great Ryan. and J.E. Belt's going to come right in front of that camera right there, I do believe, and he's going to point it right at it. That's what it looks like, tonight's drawing. Look at that. I can actually see it perfectly right through it. You got Michael Lair on a like a dock-Oct type of setup

on top of a, oh, it's Scooby-Doo is what it is. And Brian's the cat, and you have David Lucas smoking, and I believe that's William Montgomery with a ketchup bottle. Very, very Goofy William and you got the two Cairns.

Jesse, Jetsky Johnson, and Joel Berger, Joel Jimenez as Karen's tonight. A bunch of fun stuff happening. We're going back on the road. Those dates are on the websites. Tonyhengecliff.com, Deathsquad.tv. But Jesse Johnson was here tonight. Jetsky.

I don't believe a lot of the things I said tonight, but we're just trying to have a good time. I love it. Absolutely. We're just trying to get through it. Thanks, guys. I stick by all of it. Oh, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Mostly Sorry on social media. It's a new podcast style called Mostly Sorry. Where can they find that? Episode 3. We do these premieres with online chats tomorrow 5 p.m. on YouTube. Mostly Sorry, episode 3. And check out me and Ryan Jay's Yonder Wizard episodes while you're at it. Fuck it.

I love that. Absolutely. Check out past episodes of Kill Tony, including some VR ones. If you Google Kill Tony VR, those episodes will come up. if you have one of those VR sets that everybody... Yeah, and you don't even need it. You could just use your iPhone or your iPad. You can look around.

It's pretty cool. Absolutely. Check me out tonight at Virtual Red Band. I'm on about five times a week. And you can see Yonders on it. Dustin Yarbrough plays with us a lot, a very funny comedian. Also, this week we have Dead Air and Brothers in Cursef.

Again, Wednesday. Yeah. And a new Rose Master class just dropped this week. Actually, two of them did. One of them with the great Donnell Rawlings, who is one of my favorite kill-tony guests of all time, one of the great comedians. Him and I laugh for two hours straight

as he tells me about his writing process and working with Chappelle and we do a big recap of the David Lucas roast that he did. Fun stuff, man. This was a fun one tonight. Thanks a lot to... The people here at In Crowd Studios. Follow them on Instagram at In Crowd Comedy.

They made this entire big production possible. They do really cool things out of this studio with the capabilities of actually making this giant wall that's now red in front of us into a wall of audience members. I think we're going to do that, right? Yeah, we're definitely going to do it in the future, and we're going to figure out how to do it perfectly for this show. And you can actually hear the audience laughter while they're at home, zooming in and things like that. We're going to see every single one of you. Like we're going to be facing all of like 40 people. And there would be more cameras behind us getting that wall.

So you could be a part of the show. Yeah, big part of the show. Literally on camera at points. So that's going to be a thing. Karen, are you okay over there? What's going on? Oh, your hands on your breast. Anyway, thank you guys.

We'll see you next week. Goodbye. Bye.