KILL TONY - KILL TONY #462 – QUARANTINED #17

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/08/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to Ryan J.Ebelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad. comad.com. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is Red Band. Come to you live. from the comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Hello, everybody. I'm right here and hello, Brian Redband. Hey.

Look at you with your mask on. Feels great to be back. Whoa. Put it back on. Look at her pretty mic. Those are very cool. Yes, we have new microphones and we have disinfected microphones. We're rotating in new microphones as we go.

It's an exciting time. What do they call it the new normal? Right? Anyway, uh, it's good to, here. I'm excited about this. We are back at the Comedy Store. There is a parking lot full of people that hopefully are watching

the live feed of this show right now. David, you want to go check on that real quick? Instead of looking at your fucking phone, these people are unbelievable. We haven't missed a beat here at Kill Tony. It's exciting. We've thank you to Betterbox. Thank you

to L7 Studios. Thank you to Death Squad's. studios, we've been all around. Beautiful Los Angeles. Any studio that wasn't looted, we did a version of this show at. We went all around and now we are back home live streaming to people in the parking lot. That is what it has come to. How's it looking over there? We'll see. We'll see. Oh, that's always good. We're back at the comedy store, back at weird things that are happening. Oh, exciting stuff. Well, in any matter, it's definitely going to be on a YouTube and a, few days or something like that, right?

I'm excited to be here, though. How's it going, David? Good? Yeah. Oh, it's not streaming. Okay. We'll figure that out. Will we? Who's going to figure it out?

Me. That's what I'm doing with my left hand. Oh, look at that. Well, you could use both hands if you want, because I am so excited right now that I am bonered up, dude. I have a full boner right now, and you look, I know there's a lot of people that have dealt with erectile dysfunction

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as with all of the more quarantine-esque episodes. However, we do have a band. And they, every single episode, commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They disappeared to the back about 15 minutes ago and have been preparing for tonight's show. We have no idea what they're going to be. Maybe it's some of our favorite characters from the past. Maybe it's brand new characters we've never seen before.

Let's all find out together. It's the best damn band in the land that Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, the return of Kroll McCriss and Joel Jimenez, everybody. Here we go. Uh-oh. I know that music. I know that music. And so does the, yes, thank you,

so does the YouTube algorithm for sure. Hello! It's the cat burglars, everybody. The return of the cat burglars. How exciting is this. Welcome, guys. Very famous characters, known for saying, Cat burglar.

That's pretty much it. I love it. And you guys were also on the 2020 band calendar. What month were you guys on? I do not know. Oh, you don't know? I remember you guys being on there. They sold out of 2020 band calendars.

That is a technicality. There is a stack somewhere in somebody's closet. Oh, well, I'm sure it was close. The cat burglars are here. I'm excited. Your name's just cat burglar, right? Capagler. And you're also Cat burglar?

Cat burglar, too. Cat burglar too. I can't give my identity, but I do have to be completely honest. Business has been a little slow right now because everyone's at fucking home. It's very hard to sneak in if you're at fucking home.

You didn't have an accent there for a second, and then it came back. They do not have accents. I'm good at disguising. It's an American cat burglar. Okay, dokey. What are we got back? back there. What's your name, little cowboy?

Phil. It's fun watching Chroma figure out what the room is like with no audience for the first time. Anyway, back to you in the studio, Tony. It was just as good seeing Joel figure out the audience for the first time. I love this. So you guys are having a cat fight, a cat burglar fight. It's true. We are stealing Tony's time right now.

Hey. Well, welcome, guys. I'm glad that you're here. We're going to have some fun today. And this is the return episode to the Comedy Store. Very exciting stuff. I haven't seen. Capbergler 2 reminds me of a guy I haven't seen in months named Chroma Chris. And I'm very excited to be this close to someone like you. I have no idea who you're talking about, Tony. Okay, dokey. On with the show we go. And I have some exciting stuff. We have some people are here. And we also have the bucket of destiny is active tonight. There are a grand total of four predetermined, healthy people in the bucket of destiny tonight.

And some new, a couple old. and we're going to see how it goes. But first, to get the show started with a bang, ladies and gentlemen, a legend on this show. You have to wait. You have to wait, like a professional. He is the longest tenured regular

in the history of the show. He is known as the Big Red Machine. This is his first time back at the Comedy Store in a long time. He was so excited that he almost ran up on the stage before I even said anything about him at all. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return to get things started of William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. Wow. What's up, y'all? I'm a now Hispanic. You can call me Selena. I do have COVID-14. I am making a sequel to saving Silverman. It's where I convince Jonathan Silverman not to jump.

Did anyone else think the granny and Mrs. Doubtfire looked like Robin Williams? All it takes is a tongue to make the P-Sign vulgar. That's a pussy Joe. I'm making a new butterfly effect movie, but every time the story is retold, you just end up being a basketball player. Mitch told me that. That didn't work. piece of shit. If we're talking about Syria,

we're not talking about Jesus. We're talking about Brandon. Fuck yeah, William Montgomery. The return of William Montgomery. William, how are you? It is so nice to be here. I feel a breeze on my penis. Is it showing?

Nope. Well, actually, your zipper is down. Now, you said you broke your shorts last week, you told me this. You still haven't fixed them or bought a new penis. Gain weight. Now I bought a size 40 waist. And it turned out to be too big. It was a little too husky.

Let me see. What do you have a belt there? Yeah, you do. You have a little elastic belt. Oh, my God. Look at your stomach. Basically, I'm still working at the storage unit place. I think I'm fired now.

But I was showing someone, I don't know, 10 by 10, 10, 10, 10, 15 something, telling them the amenities. And I felt a breeze on my penis. and I looked down and my penis was poking out of my boxers. Is that true? It's true. So it was out of your boxers and out of the open hole in your pants?

It was just, my penis head was just out of my boxers. How about your pubic hair? Have you been manscaping? I have never messed with my pubes. So that's a little beef I got with y'all with the manscaping. Yeah. I think the women like a full bush. You do.

But you've never even seen their reaction to anything else. No, I have. In South Korea, two years ago, I was there. The women were like, oh, you have red. Oh, you have red, yeah. Wait, wait, what do they say? Oh, you have red, yeah. You have red what?

Hair. Oh, red hair. That's what they. Oh, you have red yeah. Oh, okay. And I showed her my pubes, and some of my pubes are longer than my penis. Yeah, you need a manscape. I'm not manscaping.

What were you just saying? Who said that? It was the cat burglar right there. I'm glad it wasn't you, you motherfucker. Whoa, cat burglar too. That first thing you said tonight was not good. Wow. What did he say?

Oh, hey, what's up? I like Aunt Jemima. He didn't even say that, William. He's a racist piece of shit from Arkansas. he went to the University of Arkansas. Did you just see Mrs. Doubtfire this week for the first time? I did. I saw that in Aliens 3. Aliens 3. What an interesting...

Where do you usually watch your movies at? A library. At a library, that was pretty good. Yeah. Hey, Redbean, I wish you were Jamaican like Sean Paul. Why do you wish that? I was hoping that was going to get a bunch of laughter. It took me a while to write that one.

people in the room. Hey, Redman, I wish you were Jamaican like Sean Paul. William, what did you do this week? Anything healthy? I got, well, I got my review back from work. Literally, after two years, you would think I was the worst employee they've had. I didn't get a raise. I still make minimum wage after two fucking years.

But they give you health insurance benefits. What was that noise? I picture me being. with Princess Diana, just with the drunk guy driving, just him making that noise before he hits the pole. That's actually what happened. There it is. That's what it sounded like.

So William, two years minimum wage still at this job, but they give you health insurance. Is that correct? They do. And do you ever use that health insurance? I do. What did you use it for during the pandemic? I have what people called a...

Hammertoe. A ascending testicle. I have a testicle. in my ball sack that goes up into my tummy I had to pay Is that what that is that protrudes out of your tummy? I had to pay $1,500

out of pocket. Oh my goodness. Hey Michael, shut it down, dude. This isn't working out. And I hate that bitch came with you. You know I hate her, dude. Oh, my God, William. Get her the fuck out of here.

William, nobody's even over there. Dude, Michael, you know I hate her, dude. Nobody's over there, William. You have a lot of anger in you this week. I do. After the bad report at work, I swear to God, Tony. What exactly did that report say? Word for word.

I want to know exactly the report. It said I don't do good at the sales calls. It said I have low energy. Let's try it. Let's see what one of those feels like. I'm calling you right now. Okay, I'm calling you. You pick up.

Hey, thanks for calling storage, et cetera. This is William. How can I help? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm interested in having a storage unit. I need to put some shit in it. What are you storing?

I'm storing a bunch of baseball cards. When do you need to store? Baseball cards. How long do you need to store? A lot of them. How are you getting your things here? A car? Actually, yes.

Okay. Five by five. 77 bucks. How does that sound? Man, you sound like a shitty salesperson. Come on, Tony. You start at the smallest storage unit? Five by five.

You have baseball cards. Five by five. What are you back in South Korea? Yeah, I'm in South Korea right now. Five by five. Bye, mine. I have a question for William. Cat burglar.

Yes, do you ever rent out your stomach as storage space? Because there is a lot there to work with. That was really funny. So William, Other thoughts about watching Mrs. Doubtfire this weekend? By the way, the granny and Mrs. Doubtfire was Robin Williams. That's why she looked like that. Oh, no.

What happened to him? He had a disease or something. Why did he kill himself? Oh, my goodness. Yeah. No, that's mental. He was funny. I loved him when he played the genie.

Yep. Aladdin? Loved Aladdin. You ain't ever had a friend like me? Yeah, I was in Aladdin. Oh, you were in Aladdin. I was in Aladdin. Wow, I didn't notice you there.

What character did you play in Aladdin? I played one of the street urchins with the three Barcy twins. Judith? What are you all fucking doing here right now? William, don't acknowledge anything that you see. I'm kidding. I kissed one of them one time and the two brothers went after me. There's nothing.

There's nothing going on over there, William. Okay. Just focus on the questions. So the Barceys. Redband, what's going on? Why'd you do that finger thing? What? Don't worry about it, man.

Why do you worry about being funny, huh? What do you mean? I've been waiting. I'm about to lose my job. Yeah. Why don't you bring it to the stage, ma'am? What do you mean? That's hilarious.

Let's talk about you losing your job. That's funny. Seriously, what do you mean? There's a lot of particles going on. I'm sick right now. They measured my temperature. I have 101. Wow.

That's a fever in my book. That's a joke for all the health department people watching live right now. Yeah, good luck to the piece of shit that talks in this thing next. Danny up in the bird's nest just put his mask on too. Good job, Danny, you pussy. No, don't make fun of Danny. No, yeah. I'm telling you, I'm kidding, Danny.

I love you, dude. I tried to warn you. Remember when we kissed two weeks ago? No, don't do that. Oh, it doesn't work. You can't make fun of Danny. I know, I love him. There you go.

Danny, give me the. Peace sign. Okay. How's your relationship going? You still with that girl that beats you up over? We're going to Las Vegas tomorrow. Oh, that's cool. Going to Vegas tomorrow.

Are you going to take that other comedian that she was fucking before you? I am thinking about it. It turns out the guy is very nice. We met a couple weeks ago at a bowling alley, just in the parking lot. They're obviously closed, but we met each other. he seems super nice. He's coming along with us to the Bellagio.

Yeah, I bet he is. I bet you guys are going to be. Super excited. He doesn't have pubs. I do. So it's sort of a hodgepodge. What happened to his pubs? Did they all get lost in your girlfriend's vagina when he was fucking her?

It was an issue of a fire. Oh. Who's, who started, who's going to start the fire? I swear to God. No, but seriously, if you all ask me, sort of one of my biggest fantasies as being with that guy

who brought all the weapons up. He brought all the weapons up to that hotel room in Vegas and started shooting all of those people at the country music concert. I swear to God, y'all, in my fantasy world, when the South Korean chick

is looking at my pubs, and I get pissed, and I'm hanging out with the guy that used to go out with my girlfriend. I'm going to be clutching on to one of my weapons, break out one of the fucking windows, and start fucking shooting. I noticed you started sweating a lot more when I brought up that comedian that was fucking your girlfriend before, like you're covered in sweat.

I did. I don't know really... The first eight minutes, you were up here, cussing and everybody, having a good old time. I brought up one guy fucking laying pipe into your girlfriend and now you're dripping with sweat. What am I supposed to do? Another story. What am I?

Who's saying that? William's girlfriend's vagina. Oh. It's not funny anymore, y'all. I think we're going to get married in Vegas this week. Oh, my God. Are you really thinking about that? Yeah, I'm really thinking about it.

You should go back to that bowling alley and split. Can you say that a little bit slower? Have you ever considered that there's probably never been a worse time to go to Las Vegas than right now? Do you think it's safe if I wear a face mask? The new slogan is what happens in Vegas comes back with you to Los Angeles. That's true. If you go to Vegas, you might not be able to join us next week either to do brothers and cursive. Come on.

Come on. Don't go to Vegas. Come on. No, stay in LA. Come on. You work for minimum wage at a storage field. You know what I heard earlier. What are you going to do?

Go there and put your 60 bucks all on black or something? Everything's closed. I put it on red. I really do. I'm looking forward to playing roulette. Talking about, yeah, the podcast, I loved it. Two people alerted me. Burke Kreisher and, what's his name?

Tom Seguera. Tom Seguerah. At the end of their podcast today, they had a freestyle episode. Uh-huh. So I love it, but I see that. Uh-huh. And it horrifies me. Why?

And I start thinking, where do you motherfuckers live? Do y'all think I don't drive a car around? Do you all think I can't find your pussies on some sort of winding road? Do y'all really think I have anything? to lose because I swear to God I fucking don't I will find where y'all live if y'all keep stealing my shit what did they what happen

oh that is right burke chrycher famously says he took my nightmare thing and then and then he took the freestyle thing and again what was the freestyle thing what freestyle thing did you just at the end David Lucas and I are saying we freestyle oh I didn't know that you guys some people alerted me I never made it to the end of one of episodes of your podcast. That's pretty funny.

All right. William, fun times, dude. Way to get the party started here tonight. This is very unorthodox and audienceless. It is so nice to actually see y'all today. Yeah, for sure. This is the first time that we've seen William in months because we're definitely... And the Barcy twins. Let's give enough for them, y'all.

The Barcy twins, absolutely. There you go. That's a great idea. I'm kidding. There you go. William Montgomery, everybody. buddy. William Montgomery. There he goes. He touched me.

You don't start the fire. Hey, look at that. A new microphone. Shout out to David Deary. Helping us out big time tonight. Keeping everything nice and clean. It's incredible. Thank you, David. How about a big hand for David Deary? Oh, there's only a few people.

I miss him. A few staff members. Okay, we're going to go to the bucket for the first time in months. about that? The first time in months that we go to the bucket, we're going to see which one of four names get pulled out. Oh, this is very exciting. I just hung out with this last man, this next man, last night. We are good friends. He is not only a great comedian, but one of the most promising employees here at the comedy store,

a guy that hangs out late, he's part of the cool kids. Ladies and gentlemen, a good friend of mine, ladies and gentlemen, the great Mitch Burrow, everybody. Here we go. Mitch Borough. Thank you.

I really hate being fat. I used to not be fat, because I used to be in the Marines. core, but what bothers me the most is that, like, I've been the same size now for five years, and still, whenever I see somebody that haven't seen, like, a month or two, they'll come up to me and be like, damn, Mitch, you look good, or are you losing weight? And I'm just like, how fat am I in your memory that every time you see me, you're just like, oh, that's not as bad as I recall, actually.

I just, I miss not being fat because I used to fuck a lot more, just at all, really. I used to fuck sometimes. I miss it. I actually lived in Asia for three years. Fugged a lot of Asian chicks when I was over there. It wasn't like a fetish or anything, just more of what was available at the time. One of my friends found out they used to fuck a lot of Asian chicks,

and he got excited. He was like, dude, I love Asian chicks. I want to hook up with more Asian chicks. What's the secret? And I was like, well, I moved to Asia. So I don't know how much you're willing to commit to this. Well, that's what I had to do. Fuck yeah.

Mitch Burrow. Absolutely. Mitch is a great comedian here at the comedy store. Very, very, very happy that you're here with us. We've been kicking it this weekend. We've been hanging out, having fun. And I was able to sweet talk you into coming on here. Yeah, I was happy to do it.

Indeed. Yeah. It's been three months since I've done stand-up comedy, which I think was very obvious during that. No, that was great. That was great. I must admit, though, you look great. You've lost a lot of weights since last night.

Since last night? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I feel like I lost some weight after last night. Yeah, we had fun last night. Mitch and I, I'll just come out and say it, we smoked DMT last night. Wow.

We did. Yeah. And Mitch smoked a lot more than I did. I fucking went to a place. And then I looked at Tony and I said, oh. you're a bad person Wow you saw that with your mind's eye I saw his soul

Oh fuck yeah You don't even need DMT for that thing That's very true You could just do this show And find out How did Tony act on DMT Is he talking about himself still Or is he?

No No he didn't say he wanted to watch more reruns Of this show though That is true I do love watching reruns of this show There was a certain duality to it though Because even though he scared me, I still, like, grabbed onto his shoulder. He wouldn't let go of me.

And I was like, you're my anchor? And I need you because I can't go to this place again. Yeah, I was keeping him. Even though I'm a dark spirit, I was keeping him right where he wanted to be. When people smoke DMT, they see God. Tony just sees himself. Oh, there's the first Joelberg chant in months from someone back there. I like that.

Hey, Joe. I love that. Yeah, that was fun. What did you see in the experience? Did you see any visuals? I told you, I saw that Tony is a bad person. Well, yeah. That was it.

It encompassed everything. Well, the problem for me was, I don't know if I just hit it harder than everybody. He really did. He hit it much harder. And I don't know if you even remember this. You did two rounds. I did two rounds, yeah. And he did a lot of funny things.

He was killing the entire time for 10 minutes straight. I should have done it before this set. He's sort of rough to do DMT around because all he did was talk the entire time while everybody else is just sort of like, wean, we know, like, Mitch is like, you're a fucking dark spirit.

But he also said, it was funny, Annie was sitting there on her boyfriend's lap, and out of nowhere, he goes, what the fuck, are you too dating?

They'd clearly been, they're clearly dating. It caught me off guard. And then there was also a dog on Annie's lap, and it'd been there for like 30 minutes, and he's like, oh, fuck,

where that fucking dog come from? Are you dating? I don't know if anyone's ever done drugs before, but it fucks with your perception of shit. Yeah. And DMT might be the strongest one. Is that your first time doing it? No, I've done one of those pins before, but it was my first time doing it with that many people around. I've done it with one person with me, so that was a little more relaxed. This was, and plus, like, no one got as high as me. So then I was like, am I okay? Which is something I ask myself a lot of times anyway. Mitch not only hit the DMT pin, he also

hit the KFC pen. He has a vape pen that is just the flavor of chicken. It's just a straw that I suck gravy out of. So that's fun. Mitch and I were having a lot of late nights here heckling and playing around with the great Don Barris.

Towards the end here, we were on a real run. Just constantly trying to get pussy and it wasn't working for me. You were. Yes. Yeah. And then Tony would just make fun of me thinking that I could have sex. It was great. Oh, the audience has loved it

Because you are, you're a good A very handsome guy You're a good target for that How long have you worked at the comedy store? I've been at the comedy store since Halloween of 2018 Okay That's awesome Halloween's a fun night to start, huh?

Yeah, I just put on the costume And I decided to keep doing it, I guess Yeah, people are like, oh look, someone dressed up As the Michelin Man for Halloween The cat burglars are here Have you ever burglarized anything? Did you loot anything or anything like that this year? Just, you know, houses when I was in the military and Iraq.

Oh, okay. Is that a thing that a lot of American soldiers did, right? Wow, that's got very real, very quickly. No, it's like you go on to, like, old bases and stuff, and you're just like, oh, shit, fucking AK-47. That'd look cool at home. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Did you take anything that you still have that you really like? No, I didn't transport anything that cool back, but I did have some friends that. now have AK-47s tucked away somewhere. Do they like check your bags? Yeah. Like a TSA in the military? So we worked on helicopters.

And so we were able to like take the floorboards out of the helicopters, stick the stuff under the floorboards, and then fly back with like we just smuggled shit back. Children's shoes and clothing. I'm glad you added shoes to the end of that. Why, that's even creepier. Just bringing to Leah his fans back. I shouldn't have said that.

Allegedly. Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. I fucked up. No, it's all good. It's all good. There's no Delia fans here. This place is 21 and over. Just kidding.

Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Chris. He's not watching. He might be actually. He actually might be now. There's nothing else going on. He didn't even want to do the show six months ago.

Now he's watching it. How does it feel, buddy? No, I'm kidding. Just joking. Again, I'm joking. Anyway, yikes. What's the youngest girl you ever hooked up with, Mitch?

Segway. That's a segue right there. Last year, I fucked a 22-year-old. Hey, look at that. And then the next morning, she goes, so how old are you? And I was like, how old do you think I? I'm 39, by the way. And I go, how old do you think I am?

And she's like, like, 30? And I was like, no, I'm 39. And then she never talked to me again. Oh, my goodness. She should see you since you lost all that weight, dude. Yeah. Yeah, you look great, dude. You look great.

What kind of, what kind of, do you do any exercising, anything to get the heart going? Yeah, you saw me last night. I was wrestling a 19-year-old. That is true. Whoa. He was wrestling Curtis's, I believe he's a blue belt son. He is a blue belt. Yeah.

And he was. Brazilian jihitsu. Fucking your world up. He did, he did beat me three times. You probably have a good, what, what, did you guys figure it out, 150 pounds? I'm probably, I probably weigh 150 pounds more than him. Yeah. Yeah.

And it was, it was hilarious. I mean, we were fucking dying. I mean, to be fair, he trains. Yes. Yes, it was Blue Belt versus Blue Balls. And also, you know, I don't know, Curtis is hearing it. He was fucking cornermanning him the whole time. No one was sitting in my corner being like, hey, do this move.

No, we were all laughing. They were just like, you know, do the move where you sit on him. Like, swing around, get him in a full guard. Like, no one was helping me. So, you know, like, that's the fucking bullshit that I have to deal with. Okay. I'm fighting on my own out there. I ain't part of the fucking Nelson Klan apparently.

You look like you trained, though. Like choo-choo-train. Oh, fuck. Yeah, you got choked out a couple. Did you go unconscious the first time? No, I'm a bitch, dude. I tapped real quick. Okay, that's good.

As soon as I felt his arm around Monday. He didn't even do it that hard. I was just like, yeah, we're done. Yeah. Normally when Mitch taps, it's on a drive-through window that's closed at night time. Oh, fuck, yeah. So what have you been doing during this quarantine to fucking stay sane?

I would do a lot of camping, do a lot of off-roading in my Jeep. Yeah, you do have an awesome Jeep. In fact, I'll tell this quick story is that one of the nights I was out coming, I think I was coming from one of the shows, and I drove by what I thought was Mitch's Jeep, and the guy was actually shaped like him.

I got next to him, and I rolled my window down, and this is a true story. I was like, Mitch, Mitch! And the guy had headphones in, and he turns and he looks at me, and he goes, the fuck did you just call me? He thought I was calling him a bitch. And it wasn't you.

No, he actually knew who I was, and he was upset that you would get us confused. I love it, man. Very funny videos, I also, when you guys were in quarantine, you and the other door guys have been making your own series. And it kind of, it was fun to watch because it kind of made me feel like you guys really do act like that when you're at home. wearing your door guy's shirts and like Yeah so we made like we were missing work And we just decided to start making videos of us

Checking IDs and shit And then the first video we posted Got 125,000 views Wow, that's great I had it pinned on my Twitter because Chris DeLea retweeted it because we included his Netflix special Oh shit

So I've since unpin that tweet Oh that's a shame That's a shame you must have gotten so many hits on TikTok Yeah, I got a lot of new young fans. It worked out good. There you go. I love it.

And what is your social media so that people can follow you? Everything is Mitch Burrow. Mitch Burrow, TikTok, Twitter. M-I-T-C-H-B-U-R-R-O-W. Yeah, man. Is that different than Joe Burrow? Oh, he's Burr. Yeah, the quarterback.

He's a U-G-H. No, I think he's got an S on the end. Okay. Or maybe we're cousins or something. Something like that. I look into that. I mean, obviously, world class athletes.

Now, you're from Atlanta? Outside of Atlanta. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Because you're a real, look at you. I mean,

you're a real big. I don't like the Confederate flag, Tony. I don't even know why you're bringing this up. What do you think about the statues? Take them down. Take them down? Yeah,

I don't give a shit. Those aren't my fucking heroes. Right. You know? Okay. I mean, if there was some fucking NASCAR shit that people were fucking up,

I'd be upset. You love NASCAR. I love NASCAR. That's right. What do you think about the bubble Wallace situation? I love him. I wish you'd win a race so I could feel better about supporting him. Yeah, it is weird, right?

Yeah, I mean, come on. There's got to be some black drivers out there that could win. That's what we really need. Do black drivers ever win in NASCAR? I mean, have they ever thought about, like, jumping out of the car and just sprinting to the finish one? Is that an option? Because they're pretty facts. Wow.

That's a stereotype. That's a good stereotype to have. I think it really matters. I think it's all about the car. Like what car they steal, you know, before they... Oh, my goodness. Red band. Red band. Just jokes.

You guys all want to do it together? You know, the problem is it's hard for them to see the track because the windows are tinted. Oh, my goodness. What? I was going to say they never finish a race because they keep getting pulled over. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. You know, they banned the confess. better flag from all of the races, but the only race that they really banned it from is the white race. Oh, that's a goddamn shame. That's one of my favorite races. It's the New York Marathon and the White. Oh, Jeremiah, I didn't recognize you. That's cat burglar.

All right. Well, Mitch, so much fun. I'm so glad you did this. Hey, man. Yeah, I don't regret it. I fucking love you. You're an awesome guy on stage and off. And I think that the fans at home watching are, you know, we always introduce them to a lot of people that always blow up, you know, preacher Lawson.

I mean, look, they like fucking William Montgomery. I'm like William Montgomery just not retarded. Right, exactly. Come on. Who do you want your hero to be? Not that fucking guy. Exactly. You construct jokes.

I just want to take William out. That's my whole, I'll come back every time. You just fucking get rid of that guy. Serious joke writers. hate silly people. It's just a nature of the game. William's silly. Andy's in your weight class.

You know what I mean? You guys are competitive. You guys are going out for the same rolls. Jelly rolls and dinner rolls. All right. Thanks. I enjoyed it. Mitch Burrow, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah, Mitch. Fun times. Oh. Yeah.

Easy breezy. Yeah. Yeah. B'na Bona. Mitch is hilarious. Did he start off in the La Jollaolla comedy store? Is that? I believe he started off in Atlanta, right, Mitch?

Seattle. Hell yeah. Absolutely fucking doodily. All right. We're going to go back to the bucket again. We're back to the bucket again. And your next. your next comedian.

I know this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, he is about to go on stage for the very first time in his entire life. He became one of everybody's favorite employees here at the Comedy Store when he started. Definitely one of my favorite employees. I made sure nobody ever picked on this kid.

I absolutely love him with all my heart. Super silly guy. I coined his nickname that everybody calls him for him, and that name is cackles, everyone. His very first time on stage, here. Cackles. Here he is, cackles. If you could tell the way I look, my mom used to clean condos.

I believe that Filipino girls are the poor guys, Chinese girlfriends. I used to date a Latino girl, and then I realized Filipino girls are mixed with both, and I realize I can have a wife without cheating. Oh, shit. I believe you not live in life until you get molested. I really don't have much. Keep going. You're ready to go? No, I don't, no.

Cackles, everybody. In and out. 36 seconds of bloody murder. I missed you. I missed everybody here. That was incredible, cackles. That was great. You have a very unorthodox style of half-written jokes, and I like it. Straight from the heart. Straight from the horror. I love it. As you could tell by the way I look.

Look, my mom, you can tell my mom used to clean condos. Yes, sir. I go around to school, all the teachers that my mom's clean condoms. Oh, condoms. Yeah. Oh, because you thought that it was, you got them confused. You thought it was condoms. I love that.

That's adorable. Cackles gained popularity here very quickly by being just a very positive guy around the comedy club. He runs food. He runs it fast, runs it hard. You've been staying in shape during this quarantine? Of course, yes. Yeah? I've been practicing around the chicken at the house.

You still practice running chicken tenders even while you're at home. That's just incredible. I love it. He stays in shape all year round. Hell yeah. You look like you live behind a pawn shop. He looks like he lives in front of a pawn shop, actually. What part of town do you live in, cackles?

Oh, okay. Have you lived there since you moved here? Yes, about like seven and a half years. You brought your mom to the comedy store a few times. She's always had fun. We're friends with your dad, PDC. Oh, yes. I missed them.

I haven't seen them since the lockdown. It avoids me. Like he does with all his kids. Your mom knows how to party. She gets down at the comedy store. Oh, yes, she does. I had a band for her. I was like, Mom, you got to chill out.

Yeah. I once saw her vomiting in a trash can in the parking lot one night. Yeah, it was hilarious. Poor Cackles was holding his mother's hair back. I'm like, damn. I'm like, damn. I'm like, Cackles is hooking up. some chick that's vomiting and then she lifted up her head.

I'm like, oh, hi, Mrs. Cackles. Oh, gosh. You remember that? You remember Mrs. Cackles? Yeah, they call her Mrs. Cackles. I beg your pardon, Mrs. Cackles. What does your mom do for work? She's actually, she's on disability.

So, yeah. Oh, she don't work no more. Hell yeah. What kind of disability are we claiming here? She got OCD and OCP, I think it's called in. She has like a brain disease. More like I see. Orange.

And also OPP. She goes down with the... She's down with the OPP? Have you guys, you guys drink Fago? No. No? No. I used to do in Iowa before. What does your mom drink?

She likes Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew. There it is. That's what I'm saying. It's Piedie's kid. It is. He's got Mountain Dew energies. A little bit of champagne and Mountain Dew. It was...

Cackos was born. Oh, that's all it takes. That's called doing it. Doing it. Do the do. My goodness. And your father, what's up with him? Where is he?

I've actually never met him. Never met him. Well, we got good news for you. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cackles is here. Oh, nothing on that. But if I say, who's going to start the fire?

I was excited. There he is. His father is here. Has your mom ever told you anything about your father? No, not really much, but I did find him on Facebook just recently. Oh, wow.

What's that like? Do you message him? I did, but he asked me to borrow some money. Are you serious? Where did he live? In Iowa still, yeah. Wow. You're like, can I borrow a hundred bucks?

I'm like, what the fuck? Damn. He opened up with that right away, huh? Well, he took like a month to ask. Wow. You know what he does for a living? I don't think it's much if he's asking his son for a hundred bucks right from the cat. You're just there on Facebook.

Oh my goodness. This is incredible. This is like the trash that builds up at the bottom of a trash can that has like a liner in it. But like, you know, you don't like. scrub the bottom of the trash can every single time you take that liner out. Like it's usually like it's sort of like, you know, sort of like builds up after, you know, maybe a cackles doing DMT with you. Yes.

I mean, I would do cackles with them. I mean, I would do, you guys heard it's on tape. I would do cackles with them. Tony, come on. I would do DMT with cackles.

All right. I'm always thinking I'm gay, so come on now. That's not helping much. Why does she think you're gay? Because I had like my tooth removed. I had like two wisdom pieces. Your mom thinks you're gay?

Yeah, because when I came up, after they had me to sleep from the aesthetics. So when I woke up, I was like, first thing I said was talking about the golden pony and calling you master. Oh, that's hilarious. I think I'm gayer than you now. That is hilarious. Why would you talk about Tony when you're coming out of consciousness? Have you ever been put under? Yeah, but the last thing I was talking about you and I see you.

Well, I know you didn't talk about me, but when you came back from being put under, were you thinking weird things? No, I was more like amazed, like, where am I? Am I at the hospital? Who was with you? Ex-girlfriend. My mom made a video of it too. It's so bad. Really?

Yes. Oh, I got to see this. Oh, my God. Send it to us so we could put it on this episode right here. I don't have it right now. No, not right now. But send it tonight or tomorrow or something. What else have you been doing during the quarantine to keep yourself busy?

Not really much smoking weed. And I got a job making masks part-time. Not really much. Just try and avoid it. everybody. Just not get sick. I love it. You have a girlfriend right now? I do, yes. Yeah, where'd you meet her at? Actually online on Facebook.

Wow, look at you making all the relationships on Facebook. That's how it happens. An app most people have deleted at this point, but not you. You're thriving over there. I do. My goodness. That's where my fans are at. So what does your girlfriend do? She actually don't work, no.

Oh, wow. Does anybody that you know work at all? No, I'm the only one that fucking works. They're even my brother. My goodness. gracious. And is she, is she, how does she have money then? A family. Wow. By the way, that's why he's called cackles. I don't know if you guys can hear, but after everything he says, he goes,

Cackles, famous at the comedy store. It's crazy to think that you're like the richest person out of your family and everybody. I'm living out of a tent too. It's like shit. And you're a food runner at the comedy store, which has been. close for months, but they've been taken, they took care of you, right? What part of Iowa are you from? Boone, Iowa. Was there

a Happy Joe's close to you? I don't really remember. All right. Happy Joe's? Legend that repeats, no longer open. How long ago? It's been closed for like eight to ten years, probably.

Oh, that's right. I forgot. Jeremiah has some family members. And I Iowa. Can I tell a story about you meeting my aunt at the show? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. So Tony, we're doing a meet and greet after the show, and Tony and Brian are waving me over

saying there's a line of people here to take pictures. I say, I'll be with you at one moment. I haven't seen this family for years. A couple of family members, right? Yes, a couple family members. And it's my aunt and that whole side of my mom's family. They come to see the show in Des Moines, Iowa. And Tony comes over again.

He's like, Jeremiah, seriously, there are a lot of people here. I'm like, oh. Yeah, they're literally like, we'll wait. We're going to wait. And so a second line started for a group picture waiting for Jeremiah while he's talking to these. Go ahead. So I introduce Tony to my aunt. I say, Tony, this is some of my closest relatives here from Iowa.

And Tony goes without hesitation. Well, you must not be that close. I didn't see you at his wedding. and let me paint the picture a little more. This is my poorest side of the family that could not afford to fly to Los Angeles to come to my wedding and instantly you see why people consider Tony

a bad person on DMT. Look, I was just trying to connect. I don't even think she heard me over the sound of her oxygen tank, you know what I mean? One of my aunts has an oxygen tank, That is actually true. She's breathing problems. Tony was roasting her as soon as she went to the car.

A very sad affair. I laughed, but I cried on the inside later that night. Look, I mean, you know, that's what they get. They get a little light roasting. I didn't see you at the wedding. Just killing them. You know. I wasn't that bad.

I forgot about that, too. Wow. I did not forget. I was not. I love it. Well, look at that. Cackles reminded us of the Iowa trash that Jeremiah is related to. We're connected by the trash.

Absolutely. We're all connected by the trash. I'm Ohio trash. Red Band's Ohio trash. There we go. Joel's family drinks puddle water out of the L.A. River. A puddle water boy over there. Chrome actually comes from a good white family.

It's like the Bruce Wayne of Kill Tony's. Powerful parents. They were murdered at a young age. Just kidding. Your parents are alive. The Mendez brothers. Actually, just my dad is alive. Oh, okay.

I fucked up again. There you go. Don't do DMT with me, everybody. No, seriously. Thank you, Tony. That's great. There he goes, cackles, everybody. His first time ever on stage,

having fun up here. Kicking butt. We're moving along. Cackles. All right. Here we are. David Deary, we love you. David Deary works.

David Deary works with the great, powerful Donnell Rawlings. And the new Joelberg podcast. Yep. Literally two of the funniest people I know in the world. David Deary works with all of them, the man behind the fucking mask. He's at David Deary, at MF David Deary on all things, social media. He's a great guy and a great help and a great positive energy and spirit to have around. keeping this thing moving along ladies and gentlemen we are going to another regular everybody this young man

is a hilarious joke writer hilarious roaster i'm so excited to see him back in front of a very small audience ladies and gentlemen the great david lucas is here in the flesh yeah yeah uh yeah uh the world is crazy right now. Black people asked for equality and white people started taking niggas off of breakfast foods.

Like, bitch, I want black people on my fucking pancake box. Don't nobody want no fucking Aunt Susan's pancakes? White women don't even know how to make pancakes. They don't even know how to make French toast. They want us to stop saying the word master bedroom.

They want us to use the word primary bedroom. Like, that's the gayest shit. ever. What the fuck is wrong with the world? I'll be damn if I buy my mansion and refer to it as the primary bedroom. Like, no, I fuck my bitches in the master bedroom. My kids sleep

in the secondary bedroom. Pretty soon you ain't going to be able to get a master's degree. Like, I don't know what the fuck we're going to name. Just call it a celery degree. That's the safest shit you can do to satisfy these. White people are the ones getting mad at this shit anyway. It's not even

black people that are mad at these words. That's the crazy part about it. Thank you. Wow. Minutes go faster than I remember them. Yeah, right. That was a fast. Well, I think the quarantine, we kind of were lenient on the minutes.

Some people did like two minutes. Minute 47. My big of Tony back on the stage. Look at you. David Lucas, you are back. And by back, I mean, you gained all the weight that you lost. David lost weight during the pandemic. And then went home to Georgia to visit his parents, gained it all back.

And you are back. 15 pounds. They didn't get it all back. My goodness gracious. Tony sat on a bottle rocket for 4th of July. That's actually true. I did sit on a bottle rocket. You put your booty to the sky and started farting.

That's true. I actually took a dildo and I put it in one of those tubes and then I sat on the tube and I lit the fuse and the dildo shot into my booty hole and I made the noise of a firework.

Yeah. Like that. That's what I did. When it flew into my butthole. That's what I sounded like. Oh, shit. And then I went, boom. It's so good to be back roasting on this stage.

It is. Absolutely. Look at you. I mean, under the bright lights, it's exciting. Hell yeah, man. You look fucking fantastic. I love the tie-dye, the camo shorts. You're all blended in.

You look fucking great. You got your shit on, too. looking like a Russian spy, niggins. That's me. That's me. They sent me to spy on you. Like you're a sniper nigger from a gay club. I mean, that's why I live in this area.

I love the West Hollywood area. I go up top on the rooftops and I try to snipe gay people. I shoot them with dildos and booty holes. So, David, what have you been up to this week? What's going on in this world? Shit, don't been on the road like two times. since the quarantine. You've been doing a lot of work.

Yeah, two or three times. Getting back tight with my exercising shit this week. What kind of exercising have you been doing? I know you were at the National Hot Dog Eating Competition. You was putting them in your ass. My fuck did a hundred hot dogs in 30 seconds. That's it.

They call my butthole Joey Bestnut. Tony said, give me mine without the bun. You can put it sideways in his asshole. Yeah, they call me a hobayashi Okay Is that a hot dog eating reference? Yeah, it's Kobayashi, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I don't know that shit. What's up? Hot dog eater. So what have you been eating? It's been going on. Still fish, nigga, I ain't fucking on me. Just fish? Yeah, dog, I ain't fucking, yeah.

Yeah, but, like, how much fish are you eating? Yeah, you getting sick of it? I eat a lot of vegan shit, though, you know what I'm saying? Like, I probably eat fish like four times a week and the other times, like. French fries? Yeah. You eat a lot of French fries. No, nigga, I don't.

You have French fry energies. What kind of energy you got? Kingwabo? No. Do you eat like Impossible meat or like Beyond Burgers? Yeah, I fuck with that. That fat burgers and shit. Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, I don't ever get tired of salmon though, bro. And it's so much different types of fish that you can mess with. Because, you know, like... What kind of fish have you had recently? Snapper, halibut, pollock, king salmon. Regular form raised salmon. Cat fish. What else?

Cat bagel. What else? Sea baths. You ever go down on a girl and it's fishy down there and you're like, I'm used to this? Oh, mess. Don't kind of hose, bro. No? You can smell it.

What kind of hose do you mess with? Clean, the ones that vagina smell like water. Do you ever go down there and then make a U-turn? Absolutely. You put your finger in it first, then you know. You bring the finger up to your face? Right, right. Do you ever go down on the girl and bring up a baby?

dead bird in your paws do you cat burglar is that ever happened to you catbeckler is that you do that ever a dead birds yeah that's an interesting a spirit of an aborted baby maybe wow

my goodness I love it so you're back at the comedy store yeah you are a former employee of the comedy store I'm still an employee I just ain't working right exactly yeah that's what I meant yeah and how do you feel

Is there anything different? Is there anything how you don't remember it? Outside of the thousands of people that you bump shoulders with and saying what's up, it's the same. It's just like so dope being here right now to actually be on this stage. And, you know, you smell the comedy store. The comedy store has its own smell, walking up the ramp and, you know, coming into the little courtyard area and seeing some familiar faces that I haven't seen in four or five months.

So it's just a dope experience. And like, even at the beginning of the show when I heard the music, I'm like, damn, like, just hearing it in this room, it's way different because you don't have some of the bodies in here to muffle the sound, but just hearing it over the loudspeakers, like, God damn, I'm emotional right now. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, definitely. For those of you wondering what the smell is, it always smells like brand new carpet. Yeah.

We get carpet every week. There's a thing happening right now with them changing. They want to change the team names of the Washington Redskins, the Cleveland Indians. you're the closest thing to a Native American that we have on the show. So I'm going to ask you, what are your thoughts on that? Actually, my mother's father's mom is a Native American. She left us a whole bunch of land in Georgia, though. So how much land?

40 acres? Nah. So it trickled down to me. I was left eight acres, and all of us were left like eight acres, though. My grandma did her thing back in the day. Oh, that's great. What did you do with your eight acres? It's up there. It ain't been developed yet.

But, you know, when I get this bread, I'm going to put a little lake house on there with a lake and some animals. I want a tiger. I mean, it looks like you've already had a lot of bread. Anyway. But shit, change some names, bro. I don't give a fuck. Like, symbolism isn't something that bothers me, bro. Like, being from the South, like, in making Georgia, there's a sign at our train depot that says colored waiting room.

That shit don't bother me because it's a part of our history. And, like, when I was a kid, my mom took me there. to see it and she's like this is what black people had to go through back in the day. So it was a learning experience for me and now that they're probably going to remove it I'll never be able to do that to my daughter. I was saying this before they should just make maybe in

Washington DC or something like a huge museum take all the monuments they're taking down and have them all in there so you could be like you know like a... Yeah but taxpayers got to pay for that fucking museum so it's like... I mean ticket sales you know I don't know this shit don't bother me. It's symbolism bro

it's like when you look at a cross that's a pagan symbol. A lot of people use that as a remembrance of their savior, but it's like, do you think about Jesus getting his ass kick when you see that? Like, I do, you know? It's like symbolism, dog. It's pagan. So it's like that shit don't bother me.

It's like we have way worse problems than that to be worrying about a fucking statue. How about Aunt Jemima? What are your thoughts on the Antriman? Leave that bitch on the box, man. That shit pisses me off. I know. It's crazy. Well, the family of Aunt Jemima are like, no, we want to honor.

They should. They should. Yeah. On the podcast last week, you know, we put up a lot of stuff that had, you know, like a racial pass behind it. Like, even the ice cream song. Yeah, the ice cream song is the most racist song ever, the one that you hear every ice cream truck on. It's like, do a nigger want a watermelon? Yeah, it's crazy.

Are they like lyrics to it or something? Yeah, really? Do you know how it goes? Like a nigger want a watermelon, hey, hey, hey. No. I'm a hundred percent. I promise. I promise it is.

Really? Let's do it. You've sang some white people songs on the show before. This one's no different. This is the ice cream song. Make sure it's not the Master P version. The Ice Cream Man. The 1998. You got a red band or you're going to be?

I got the song. Nigger love a watermelon. No. No way. You're fucking with me. There's a no way that that's what the Ice Cream Man song is. warning this video contains offensive material it does not reflect my personal views now this video was edited with some old cartoons but the lyrics are here

no this is just an old cartoon might have a fast for a little bit yeah this isn't the ice cream man song okay we're gonna wait Is that the lyrics? All right. This is crazy. You can look at it on your own, but the shit's racist as fuck. Wow.

That's incredible. But, you know, like, I don't know, bro. It's like, you know, a lot of people like Trump because he's very, like, you know, neurotic. And he says a lot of things. Like, a lot of people don't like Trump, but on the emotional level outside of a logical level. And Trump said something that really stood with me last week when he said, if you erase your history, you'll forget your history. And I really like, it's like, you know, just say like we're all wiped out by something

and all those statues are gone. You'll never kind of have what happened or you won't have any remembrance to what happened with that. You will not have context for the reasons. Yeah. That's true. I've always said, I've always said, you know. Books would be destroyed, you know, but statues.

Yeah, books are the easiest to destroy. But, you know, they go first. If only there was some place we could go to look up anything we wanted in the whole world. Like the interesting. I don't know. It might be the conservative South in me that doesn't mind the statues. You know, like, I grew up. www.w.w.sassycat.com.

You know, Jeremiah collects pictures of racist statues. He has hundreds and hundreds of racists. He's a pure Christian. I mean, that would haunt Jeremiah if he had anything. Why do you talk about that? He posts that shit on Instagram like every week. No. I don't believe that.

The guy who thinks every statue is a Civil War statue is what you are confusing. Oh, that's right. The only statue you care about is the Bob's Big Boy statue, Ray. That's true, and they're actually changing that. Did you see that? What? They are changing. I swear to God, it was breaking news when I pulled in the lot.

I'm not even kidding. The Bob's Big Boy, they're changing something. I'm going to look this up right. Look how sad. That motherfucker's a huge. No, that's just ridiculous. I've never. Like, what are they going?

Leave the Confederate statues. Like statues in general are going to be canceled. They're not going to make any more statues. Whether are you going to have as a statue now, just babies, a bunch of baby statues? Big boy restaurants replace iconic mascot with obscure character named Dolly. Fox News seven hours ago. Look at this.

Watch the tears blow down Red Band's face. Unless she's Asia. I'm off going vegan tonight. This is the first time Red Band's face. Ben has said in his life, this is an outrage. That's not going to say it. He can't. But that's the headline.

He can't believe it. Yeah, they're changing it to Dolly. He can't believe it. Red Ben's like, are they taking auditions or this new statue? Why? What's wrong with the Bob's big voice? I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going to tell you right now.

I said, as long as they don't fuck with the recipe. According to the news outlet, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hold on. I mean. the owner, it's not even a real person. Bob is a... No, it is. I don't believe this.

Big boy restaurants. Sometimes even big boys have to move on. Big boy restaurants recently announced the arrival of a new chicken sandwich to its menu to celebrate the new item. The restaurant dusted off a forgotten character from its history. Dolly to replace the big boy as the. restaurant's official mascot.

That's Dolly, by the way. Okay. This is just an advertisement for a chicken sandwich. This is just like IHop when they changed it to whatever fucking idiot. I hub. Dolly, a character that was featured in the big boy comic book series from the 1950s

will now be the company's permanent mascot Fox 8 reports. Fox 8. He ready to protest now. Why do you say Fox 8 like that? Like it's not a very legitimate What's my big boy? That's the local.

news of where the headquarters is. Fox 11? I'm just kidding. You're right. It's a temporary change to promote their chicken sandwich, right? But I love how mad you got me upset. You got his blood pressure up, bro. Fuck that. Oh, he's about to unplug all his equipment. I'm out of

here. I'm going home. We see Red Band on the local news circling Bob's big boy with his electric bike and a little sign. No, honestly, I was thinking about like, oh, I'm going to buy all those statues. Red band was about to drive that Tesla until the news station. Red band's going to protest and no justice, no peace outside of, uh, no justice,

no 10 piece. Still got it. I love you, David Lucas. We had fun here tonight. There goes David Lucas, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along here. It's all happening. We're flying through it.

We're going back to the bucket. I was going to say that would have been the dumbest thing ever if they did that. No, I really did think I miss read it. And then, um, then I just. I'm just like, what did a fake cartoon character do? I know. It's crazy. Compared to the real cartoon characters.

All right, this is exciting. This is this young man's first time ever on the show. He was recommended to us from the great Michael Lair. He was featured in a Michael Laird video last week. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds, and an interview featuring Martin Morrow, everyone. Here we go. His kill Tony Day B.

you, Martin Morrow. Thank you, thank you. It's an honor to round out the diversity portion of the show. This is good for me. Like David, I'm also from the south. I'm originally from Birmingham, Alabama, and I get asked all the time

where I've been called the N-Word the most, and surprisingly, within my 21 years of living in Alabama, it was actually more within 10 minutes in Chicago. It was in Wrigleyville, which is my first mistake, and this white guy was there and he was buying up shots for everybody in the bar, and he puts his arm around my shoulder, and he goes,

hey, I'm more of a nigger than you'll ever be, and then hands me a shot. And I was very upset by this, and I wanted to fight him, but I couldn't because I had a shot to take. And I realized in that moment that my alcoholism definitely trumps my feelings on racism, like that, which is where I'm at. But then a buddy of mine came in, a little white guy, he's from like the south side of Chicago, baldhead, red hair, very angry. And he was like, hey, man, why do you look so sad?

I go, oh, that guy over there just called me the N-word. He goes, don't worry, I'll handle it. And the thing I learned is that if a white guy from the south side of Chicago tells you who'll handle something about racism, don't believe him. Like, he's going to make it way worse because then he approached together. Hey, hey, you call my buddy a nigg over there, huh? You call my friend a nigger. You see that little milk dutch-shaped dude over there? You call him a fucking nigger, huh?

You call him a nigger? You and me outside right now. It was the first time I've ever been confused by racism. I was like this. He used to change. Thank you guys. Fuck yeah. Martin Morrow.

Welcome, welcome. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Man, can I just say the band sounds so good with a return, especially of Chroma Chris. I mean, what that adds to a saxophone and drums having a little bass behind it. Yeah, it kind of knocks it up. It really, it really fucking kills the dead dying cat.

It's like the, it numbs the, it's like when the, it's like when they give you a numbing shot before the big shot of something. Like it's like, okay, you're going to feel a small pinch instead of a fucking. The only band in show business gets reprimanded for playing their instruments. Oh, wow. Look at these idiots over here doing their jobs. No, we were complimenting you guys. Oh, yes, it sounds like a dying cat, the saxophone man in the corner. Who said that?

I did say that. I mean, you have a keyboard, right? It was nice meeting you, by the way. There you go. There you go. It was fun. Welcome, Martin. So how long have you been doing?

stand-up? About 10 years. 10 years. And you're originally from Chicago? Alabama originally, Birmingham. Oh, that's right. But comedy-wise, did you start there? I started in Alabama, yeah. Okay. And you came straight to L.A. from there? Alabama, New York, Alabama, Chicago, Alabama, L.A.

In Chicago, then L.A. That's a lot of Alabama. You're like Forrest Gump. You go around the world, back to Greenbow, and then out again. Yeah, a lot of deaths in the family. That'll... Okay. That'll do it. Hey, wow. You're very quick. Look at that. Red Band still got it on the buttons over there. Oh, geez.

Geez, ever since the Bob's Big Boy thing happened. No, I forget how to use all this equipment now. Interesting. What part of Alabama? Birmingham. Birmingham, that's right. And are you, like, in this city of Birmingham? Are you in a cool little suburb?

Like right outside of it in town kind of Roebuck. Robach. Hell yeah. I have a friend from, where's Willie from? Oh, I know, Willie. He went to the same college as me. He's from Huntsville. You're in Auburn, Tiger.

Yes. Huntsville. What was the name of his city, though? He had a little fucking suburb. It was a must a fuck. Must a fuck? No, it was, it doesn't matter. Oh, God, I almost remember. He's going to be so upset. Oh, I'm so close. Ask him one, somebody ask him a question. What made you move to Los Angeles? I wanted to start my career as a feature at best. So I thought that this would be the place to do it. That's great.

Did you enjoy New York? Like the comedy scene in New York is pretty nice. You get a lot of spots and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, I was kind of like, I was 21 when I moved there. So it was, I did like the creek in the cave a lot there. Oh, the best place ever. Yeah, because I lived in Queens, so I just travel the train, L-I-C-C-C-E. Do you ever go to a Skank Fest when you're in New York?

No, I was there in 2010. Oh, okay. Before Skank Fest. But I would love to now if I had the money for Skank Fest. Well, that shit's not going to happen. Yeah, no, never again. 10 more years or something. Yeah.

No. Nope. No skank fest for quite a bit. No fests of any kind, it seems. How did you meet Michael Lairer? At Second City. We both did Second City. He was like the older cool kid before me.

Like he would get high between shows and stuff. I've asked a lot of people about, you know, who went to Second City and said that, you know, Michael Lairer is known in Second City as being one of the biggest assholes in Second City. Like a drama queen, you know. It's Heflin, Alabama. Heflin, Alabama. What do you know about Heflin? a goddamn thing. Oh, okay.

But what do you love about Birmingham? Good food. That's about it. There's not really like a lot to do there. It's like, well, now it's growing. It's like a weird hipster art community. Like a bunch of people move from Brooklyn to Birmingham. And they kind of turned into like, yeah, Alabama, that kind of thing.

A lot of racism there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's like one of the more racist things that's happened to you? It's the most racist stuff that's happened to you've been in Alabama. New York or Chicago? I'd say a tie between Chicago and Alabama.

Okay. But I think the worst racist stuff happened in Alabama, like there was one time I was doing a show and this guy came in and he had a cowboy hat on and I like said, oh, you look like Sam Elliott and he said, shut up, nigger like that. Oh shit. And he just like, he flashed his gun at me and I was like, all right, is no one going to do anything about this and like no one did anything? So I just left.

Wow. Yeah. Have you been pulled over a lot in your life? Like, do you feel like that you feel that you're treated weird when you get pulled over? Yeah, but then I'm like, I wear glasses, so I think that's when they can. That's the secret. It helps. Glasses are like, when a cop season is just like, oh, okay, geez, put this gun away. Yeah, but I thought you're going to get me, but I guess you're just going to read a book. That's right. I love it, man. All right. So now, how long have you lived in L.A.?

A little under three years. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a copywriter. Oh, I thought you were going to say you're a cop for a second. No. You kept going. Not yet. Not yet. What exactly a copywriter? Like you just make sure you type in people's copyrights when they ask you for one?

No, I do like tweets and stuff for different companies. Oh. Yeah. Oh, a copywriter. Yeah, with the W-R-I-T-E-R, as opposed to R-G-H-T-E-R. Gotcha. Okay. Yeah, it's a living.

I got to tweet at Nikki Minaj once. Oh, yeah? Would you tweet at her? I made up, like, fake rap lyrics about Walmart. And she was like, hell yeah, she was really enjoying it. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, good for us. You meet any other cool celebrities while here in L.A.?

Or bad celebrities? Ooh. I went to Jeff Ross's house once. I think we were there, yes. But I was like, I shouldn't be here. And I remember, like, they... How old were you? Red band.

Jesus. It was like three years ago. That's 20-something. You get it. Whatever. But no, like, they were playing Cisco, and I was on Shrooms, and I was like, I wonder what Cisco's up to right now. And everyone was like, this guy fucking sucks.

So I stopped talking. And then you looked at Tony. Well, you were high on the Shrooms. Never mind. It was a D.N. Yeah, it was a callback. I got it. I liked it.

I liked it. Thank you. Yeah, man. We're here. Fuck, yeah. That's right. All right. Well, that's cool.

That's fun. How'd you end up getting to Jeff Ross's party? Like someone took you or something? Yeah, a friend of mine was like, hey, do you want to go to this thing? She didn't say where it was, and then we ended up going. I was like, all right, I was like, I'm too, I feel like this is out of my tag. Were there other cool comedians there? Just him.

That was really, yeah. Oh, wow. Geez, must have been one of those Sunday services that he has up there or something. Very Christian time. I love it. I feel like you're very upset with me for calling out that you were there, too. No, it's good. I frequent there, yes.

Everybody here has been to a Jeff Ross party except for Red Band. Except me. I'm not allowed. Oh, man. He's not invited. He doesn't invite. Doesn't invite me. People shaped like that. Yeah. Oh.

You have to get brought by somebody. Oh, okay. That's the secret. Well, I hope that you find. It's very awkward and weird. Nobody wants to take ownership for that showing up to the swimming pool. Cannonball. I guarantee you there are way worse looking dudes there.

Maybe at the party you were at. I don't know. I wasn't at that one. I mean, they come and they go. What do you guys? going to do. What was that? Oh, special skills or talents of any kind?

I played trombone. Really? Yeah. That's cool. Do we have an extra trombone laying around anywhere? Maybe check your booty hole, Tony. Oh. Do you have a trombone or did you?

I did, I bought one off of offer up about a year ago. So yeah, I got just back home. That's awesome. Back home here in LA? Yeah, in my apartment. Do you practice in your apartment? I do every now then, yeah. Your neighbors ever complain?

No, they're like old, so they don't really care. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah, they're not going to... How long have you been playing trombone? Since the sixth grade. Uh-oh.

We would like to invite you to play trombone with us when the comedy store opens up properly. One night just come and play with us. Look at that. I love that. Yes, thank you. Absolutely. A guest band member, you watched it happen here. Right here live.

That's really all I wanted. Hell yeah. I was like as long as I can get in the band. I mean, hey, it's fun. It's a lot of fun. You get to be a character. You get to have fun for two hours. Yeah.

Hey, you know what? Once the Ice House opens up again, too. I would look to have you on a nice house show. Yeah, I would love to. Absolutely. I would like to suck your dick after this show. Wow, look at that. Wow, I guess, sure. It's been a while. I'd like to watch him do that and film it.

Wow. I'd like to watch him watch that. Wow. Yeah. You'd be inside me while that happened? I was going to fill that at that at the inception of dick sucking. Look at that. One big boy closes, another one opens. Wait, right. The big boy. There he goes. Martin Morrow, everybody. Thank you so much, Martin.

Fuck yeah. We're going to keep it moving along. This is it. The final bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, I happen to know who's left in the bucket. There's only one name left. This is the final piece of paper that I'm pulling. And they are absolutely kill-tony royalty.

I have been hit up via social media relentlessly the past two or three weeks because you know them as the stars of season one, episode one. Of the floor is lava. It's been a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, all three of them, I present to you the great Verzi Triplets. Hell yeah. The triplets of Verzi triplets.

Here they are the Verzi Triplets. Hey, what's up? So we've been balding a lot since the last time we were here. We've been balding. We just got hair transplants, actually, because we've been bowling at different rates. Like we have different faces now. Yeah, like I have a marriage face.

I have a relationship face. I've got to sit on my face. Yeah. We broke one. One mic's nice. We just, we broke quarantine about a month ago to go to Lake Havasu, Arizona, which if you haven't been, Arizona is just a retirement community on meth. Lake Havasu, Arizona.

The people tan there for about, oh. I say the people have been tanning there for about. 50 years too long. They all got this leathery skin. They kind of look like used tobacco pouches. We went out there. We went to party because we're like, all right, this is going to be some young college girls. You know, we get some pussy or something. And we went to the party channel, and it was literally just old people that were flashing us. And like, I've never seen boobs unravel out of a bikini before. It looked like CVS receipts coming down. Timing. In our defense, too, the guys were the same exact way, too. The guys were the same exact way, too. Man, they're balls

just dangled in the water. They had those big old hacky sackers, you know, those big old fucking things right there. They're like fishing lores, yeah. That's about as well as I thought it would be with one night. Thank you guys for having us. Ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited return of the Verzi triplets. The Verzi triplets are the Verzi triplets.

You guys have your own, mic, Stan. You guys have your own theme song. I'm so excited. You guys are here. I've missed you. It's been, I think it's been over. four years. Really? It's been that long? You could tell you guys have improved a lot since the last time. You know, you're getting a little risky. Yeah, we couldn't have gotten

worse. We couldn't have gotten worse. We legitimately did just get hair transplant. So I don't know. All three of you? I saw. Yeah. That's incredible. So yeah, he got his Tuesday, Wednesday and then Thursday. So we just cranked out. Oh, you guys are adorable. I feel like your parents almost named you guys that. I'm Tuesday. This is Wednesday. I'm Thursday. This is Wednesday. I'm Thursday. Day. Hand the mic to one or another. Yeah, we got pictures and everything. Two and a half weeks ago.

My goodness, that's awesome. That's why he's got like a little red scabs and stuff in there. Oh, you guys are adorable. You're all good. You're all good. Now, did that all happen after the floor is lava? Is that something in the die when you guys fell in the water? Did your hair just start coming out?

That Netflix money. Yeah, we got that Netflix money now. The balding did happen a little bit after that. But, yeah, we got fucking, we got embarrassed on this. Yeah, I actually, I actually rewatched. it today after I hit you guys up and invited you to come on because I wanted to talk about that.

It's very interesting. I mean literally every single fucking day since that came out there's you know people... It's a show right. It's like a game show it's kind of the old game. You can't touch the floor. It's sort of a really big deal because Netflix is it's really just them jumping into

the game show field for the first time and they're doing it at a thousand miles an hour and they're pushing it hard right on their front page. And that's their whole marketing thing is they have the ability to sort of shove shows right down your throat. And the floor is lava is one that they are certainly doing. You guys got beat by a group of pastors. Pastors. And then a mom and her two twin son and daughter who are about 18 years old.

Yeah, we got beat because we're short. Legitimately because we're five foot four. Yeah, low centers of gravity. Everything was slippery. Which one was the one that slipped on the bottom step that didn't swing hard enough? That was you, huh? They played the classical music to my face. Oh, man, you really?

Are those things sort of soft? Are they foamy? It's like in between. Yeah. It's a little hard. Yeah. But I landed on my arm mainly, so it wasn't as bad as it was. Right.

We got turned into a meme, too. And then the thick one, the little linebacker, the little linebacker boy, was stuck on the triangle, the pyramid for like what it felt like an hour and a half. It was about that long. They cut it down a lot, yes. It was pretty sad. Spinning around up there. So here's a few of my questions.

One is the liquid. Is it warm? Is it cold? Does it taste like anything? It's pretty warm. It's a good temperature. It's kind of like orange chicken, like that consistency. That sauce.

Okay. Kind of like that. All right. It tasted like the sweet and sour sauce, too. It was kind of thick. Oh, wow. Yeah. If it's just covered in sweet and sour sauce, then in that case, I mean, sign me up.

Yeah. Red Band's bed is lava. Hey. That's where William. been the last three months. Yeah, our DMs have been blown up. People either despise us or a few of them like us, but it's mainly been gay guys that have been sliding in our DMs.

Really? Welcome to my world, gentlemen. That is the story of my life. One of the pictures I got was just some guy's asshole, and he's like, do you like boy pussy? Wow. Heck yeah, he wants to be your new lava. He wants to be your gay lava?

We're thinking about starting an only fan because we have so many gay followers. The gay followers out number Any of our regular followers. Because Sean is like a, he's a power bottom. Oh yeah. Totally. Like if you look.

I got a fat ass. He's got a very. Wow. Wow. Look at that. A little bopka donka don't. That's incredible. So I think we're going to sell out his boy pussy and see what we can do for.

Yeah. You don't have to do like gay shit. You can just be like shirtless and stuff. Like cleaning the house. You know, putting sun tan lotion on each other. Exactly. Yeah. Do the splits.

Do that kind of stuff. Yeah. But if you guys decide to do the triple suck off with one another, I mean, then you guys are going to get rich. The little triangle. Yeah. You should come with, dude, if you want to do it with us, we could do photos together. Heck yeah.

You know what? Let's get rich. Only fans. Yeah, that's it. I'll be the caboose. Or the conductor. You would be right in the front, I think. Yeah, you'd be the child.

Leading the way. Right. I would just have a bunch of Verzi. A Verzi train, yeah. Coming down. Certainly. So not a lot of people know this, but your fourth brother is here. This is William Verzi.

Hey, how's it going, y'all? My name is Jackson, R.L. Stein. Oh. I love these guys. We were in the Army together. We were doing spec ops. They were the three twin brothers. I was the red-headed stepchild.

Okay, hand them back the microphone. Yeah, that's what they want to touch it after William. Yeah, now we have, there you go. Go on. Go on. Oh, you have one more thing to say? There was a time in 2005. We were all in Afghanistan, just sort of dreaming of better times at our mom's place.

As St. Louis, Missouri. But no, seriously. Two of our buddies got killed. We are in a foxhole. Me and the Barzi twins. Okay, there you go. They're the triplets, and they're the Verzi triplets. Thanks, Jackson.

There goes Jackson R. L. Stein, everyone. For those of you wondering who that was, that was Jackson R.L. Stein. I saw you guys are TikToking a lot. You're actually taking over the Netflix TikTok, or you did that already. They asked us to do floors live at home, so we made our own course. That's cool. There was a part where I was thinking about having you guys do some trickery here today, but we don't have a camera operator.

I was going to have you guys jump from chairs into tables and whatnot. We do have the red floor, though. Look at that. Yeah, we can do it. I mean, it certainly is. You guys must feel right at home here. Oh, yeah. Is that something that you, now when people recognize you're like, oh, we jump around on things for us?

Yeah. We haven't gotten that yet. No? Yeah, I think a lot of people have been surprised that we were comics, actually. Oh. Like, oh, you guys are comics like, yeah. Right. Because they're like, you guys weren't funny at all on the, but you were.

I thought you guys were hilarious. I loved it. And I think the whole Kill Tony fan base did, too. You guys were really silly. The subreddit was a little rough. We went on the subreddit and we're trolling that. Oh, yeah. Half of them we're good, half more shitting all over.

Yeah, you don't want to go to the credits. I know that's the worst place to go. I don't mind, though. I don't mind reading this up. Right, of course. Speaking of being shit on, I mean, you guys could do that in your only fans and get rich. That's true. That's true.

Well, how much will be charged, though, for that? I feel like we need to make them tears. 20. Well, you start off at 20 bucks. Okay. You know, shit on each other's feet. $30, you know, go up from that. And then you go, the more, the higher up you go, the more you raise the money.

Shins is 35, knee caps, 40, thighs. 45 and then there's a huge jump if you shit on each other's penises but then it goes lower again through the midsection and increases again on the face. I mean I'm game I have the good ass so you guys have to

volunteer as the canvas Capergoe does not like Caperger disapproves poop goes in kiddie litre I got a question go ahead Joel as a fellow balding man did you guys ever just think about just like shaving it, just letting it go?

What was the decision behind getting the plugs? The fact that we're already short, we didn't want to be bald as well. Right. So, yeah, we can't be balding triplets. And his is, his was the worst by far. He had to actually, he got more hair graphs than we did. Now, is this the thing where they cut it off the back of your head? No, no, no.

That's like what Joe Rogan did. This one, they literally suck out the follicles into, like, individually, and then they replant them in the front. Yeah, so the back of the head looked like a beehive for a little bit there. Right. How long is a little bit? We show you a photo. How long's a little bit?

It healed up in two weeks. We got it two and a half weeks ago. Was it painful? They numb the shit out of you, so it's not like that bad. Okay. Yeah, Brian. Jesus. Wow, that's frightening.

It looks like a lot of pores and a lot of blood in the back of your head. Holy shit. Did it hurt when they picked out the... No, they give us like three volume, and then they numb your head pretty good. But, I mean, our head's wrapped for two whole days. and then we had to wash it with a cup. That was the first time I ever did drugs. I'd never done any drugs.

What did you think? What were your thoughts? I puked pizza immediately out of my nose. You puked pizza? Yeah, I puked it. I had CPK for lunch and then I shot pepperonies and mushrooms out of my nose. Damn. From the valium, yeah.

When you were on these drugs at any point, did you think Tony is a bad person? There you go. That's what happens. If you know me and you take drugs, you see that I'm a bad person. But thank you guys so much. much for coming. This was incredible. A lovely appearance. And we love you guys. Is there anything else you want to talk about?

Am I missing anything? Subscribe to our TikTok at Verzi Triplett. Versi Triplets. Verzi Triplets on everything. Thank you guys so much. Check them out on the floor is lava. Yeah. Yes, on Netflix. I was excited to find out the temperature and everything of the lava.

And I'm glad I got to ask you guys. Yeah. Thank you so much for having us. Indeed. There they go. The Verzi Triplets, ladies and gentlemen. Very exciting moment right now, ladies and gentlemen. This is this final regulars first time back at the comedy store in a long time. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the great and powerful.

Michael Lair, everybody. Here we go. Michael Laird. All right, here he is. For the first time back at the comedy store in a long time, the great Michael Lairer, everyone. Welcome to Michael Corona. The Corona version of crippled hardthrob comedian Michael Lair.

I fucked draw a dog a MacBook Pro this morning. Thank God no floppy disc. All hard drive baby. A Roomba vacuum gave me herpes. She sucked it off the bathroom. floor I think. If you think my voice sounds weird, you should see my cock. It is made of Legos. I'm a strange one. I do not like food. Maybe it's because I have to call the Navy SEAL Team 6 if I want to take a shit. I cannot be canceled or me toot because your typical jailhouse

Wi-Fi. Cannot accommodate my needs. The one thing bots and humans have in common? A junk drawer full of RCA cables. My body is just a vessel. I am now in the matrix. And the rumors are true. Kianu is homosexual. Got my dick very sucked by a cure-rig coffee maker this morning. It's a conflicting. experience. Curig suck it's so good but they so bad for the environment. What is the deal with vocal cords? I mean, will these fucking cunts shut the fuck up already? You know, when I got this incurable disease I was pretty bummed out. But after watching these, little white ladies yell Black Lives Matter at African American police officers. Maybe I am the lucky one. Thank you very much. That is my time. I'll be playing all weekend in Stockton at the Giggilly-Pigily.

Yeah. Wow. Thank you. I mean, holy shit. What a performance. Thank you. It was an app. Oh.

Yeah. I thought you were doing a ventriloquism thing right there for a second. Oh, no. I was preparing. for my future. And when I say future, I mean the winner. Well, I mean, I hope that's not the case. But I must say that you are in a bubble right now.

You look fantastic. Well, I forgot to tell you when you made me a regular, but I'm very fucking sick. Oh. You mean the Lou Gehrig's disease. Exactly. Yeah. And you can't get sick.

You can't get the coronavirus is what you're saying. Well, no one can. But to be honest, when you, ALS is not an immune disease. So my immune system is better than all you, pussy. Right. No doubt about it. Plus, I tan all day. Like eight to ten hours, I tan.

You get sun out on the patio. Oh, yeah. Smoking weed. Oh, yeah. On the government time. My life is better than anyone here. Yeah, no, I love it. That's why you're an absoluteest.

Super creative, always dialed in. A hot streak of murder every single week. Get this. Their Easter seems is doing a video contest for disabled people. And most of them have been disabled in their whole life. You get to do it? doing it? Hell yeah, man.

I'm gonna fucking crushing them. Yeah, absolutely. I'm 20 years of professional entertainment experience. Wow, that's so cool. Yeah, man. Hell yeah, that's like if someone, that's like if someone like got hit in the head with a baseball and then got to participate in the Special Olympics.

Exactly. Or when they had to be a professional baseball. player first. Yeah. Yeah, I should have said that. Just helping you fill in the place. You're right. You're right. I love that. Absolutely. That's fucking awesome. Your episode of Jeremiah

Wonders came out. That was great. Yes, and me and him, you know, there's a lot being said about the problem in the world right now. In your bitch mouth it says the most bad things about it.

And I get sick at that. And I'm like, Tony needs to keep improv name out of his motherfucking mouth. Yeah, that's true. And me and Jeremiah are classically improv trained. Uh-huh. So we start a group called the Improv Riders. Oh, wow. And we ride into the sunset and show people that improv is great.

Wow, you guys ride. I mean, I know what you ride, but what do you ride? A Furby A Furby Yeah There you go That's some of that classic Imprope

So wait Was that special Olympics improv? What was that? I thought we were submitting together right now I think Jeremiah is going to be In the Easter Seals Film Challenge

Hey I've been getting A lot of messages Saying you guys Are using me Because I'm disabled No No, if I fucking find that out, I will kill every one of you.

Right. I will kill your families. Well, I mean, I will say that it does add to the compelling nature of the story that you happen to have started stand-up extremely late. We found you on this show with a debilitating disease. So what the fuck are you saying, Tony? I'm saying that, you know, honest, if you want the honest answer. I only want to see.

Well, I mean, I don't know if I would have made you a regular if it wasn't for the ALF. If I walked. If I walked, I would not be a regular. Well, let me tell you something. If you get up and start walking right now, I'm going to lose my mind. I could, but we took 12 hours making this thing.

My nurse-slash girlfriend me spent the last two days making this, and we broke up three times. We went to bed very angry. I woke up at 6 a.m. to work on it without her fucking nose and fingers getting in my business. Because I'm the crappy one. And every time I'm like, all right, do this. And she's like, how about this? And I'm like, why? She's like, I don't know.

And I'm like, what's this? Oh, my goodness. I heard a rumor that, tell me if this is true at all. But I heard a rumor through the grapevine that you're currently involved in a lawsuit. Yeah. I'm suing. Kevin James. Wait, what?

I found out I'm the original King of Queens. Wait, how are you the original King of Queens? I'm from Flushing Queens. I do not know my bio at this point. Wow. You're so fucking.

Wait, you're gonna break the plastic. I'm getting excited. You push me. You push me. Lean back. He's going to pass out. You find me You know why cap

Your eyes are getting weary Your back is getting tight I'm sitting here in traffic On the Queens bar ridge tonight Is this the theme from the King of Queens Oh my God How do you know that? Because some of us are improvisers

Oh boy King of Queens is dope and I'm gonna get off Isn't the nanny also from Flushing Yeah, friend dresser Well, I mean, why aren't you suing Fran Drescher then? I'm wanting her body. What? She's hot as fuck, man.

But what about that voice, though? Yeah, I love that, man. You don't like regional accents? I'm noticing that, I'm noticing this week, I understand you a lot better. You're really pushing up against that plastic really hard. I'm noticing that I understand you a lot better. Have you been drinking a little bit less? I am...

This is like when E.T. is trying to come back to life in that one scene. No, I, um... My girlfriend got mad because I, um, when I drink, I am... I'm trying. You what? Shart. What?

You shart? Shart? Yeah. Oh, shit. Is that that a part of the development of your disease? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. How bad is the sharding been?

Real bad. She was like, I'm going to leave you at this. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, she was like, you better slow down with those IPs. I can't wash the cheese every day Wow That's incredible That is

Maybe you should think about sleeping In that plastic tube that you're in Oh I do I'm like Michael Jackson In the auctioned And tamer This will make me to stay alive For three more months

Oh, Red Band. Come on, that's a fart noise. How's your son doing? He's great. I owe him a biology. Because when I get lifting and when I get crunked, I like the

wrestling. So, Colin, I'm sorry. And please come home. Hey. You know, how we had two Marines here in the name? Yes, we did.

I served as well. Oh, really? What did you? I was in Starship Troopers. Really? Yeah, you saw the picture the other day. I'm in that movie. Oh, yeah, you are in that movie. Yeah.

So I was like a Marine in Space. Yep. And they put us through boot camp and a famous Marine named Captain Dale Dye who did platoon, he might have been an army. But he was the military commander. So while we made this fake alien movie

at this Green Canyon location in Wyoming, we got this real military training and we'd have to do prisons. It was so fucking awful. Yeah, that sounds horrible. Yeah. But now you're our Starship Trooper, Michael. Without a lot.

We absolutely love you. Thank you so much for being here with us live on this. The Return to the Comedy Store. Follow Michael Laira at Michael Laira Comedy and everything Michael Lairie is. Amazing merch for sale. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel coming right at you. Yeah, we forgot to say that Ryan J. Ebert was here the whole time. Oh, my goodness gracious.

How in the world did I feel? forget that. Get a little bit closer there, Ryan. Let's see what you did here tonight. A little chichi train. How cool that is. You did it. There's actual trains. There was a lot of train jokes. A lot of it had to do with me getting butt fucked fucked with every Monday's episode.

And yeah, incredible. He's been auctioning off artwork. It's all at Ryan J.E.Belt.com. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode. And that's tonight's episode. The Return of the Comedy Store. I hope the people in the parking lot had a good time. We plowed through some technical difficulties.

As always, you know, there's a lot of things here, a lot of things switch, the wires, this, that. There's so many different variables here at the comedy store. Some things are old. Some things are new. Special thanks to Danny Lucas for coming in and running the mothership for us, the big boards, all the power and the neon that happens here. And, yeah, the fun times continue.

My weekend in La Jolla for this weekend just got canceled today. They closed bars in San Diego today. But Jeremiah Watkins is going to Tempe, Arizona, July 30th and 30 first. Literally a 600% increase in COVID in the past week, but you are scheduled to go there. Yep, it's not going to happen. But get tickets immediately July 30th and 30th. I mean, there is literally no chance that happens. but he's coming.

So if you're in Tempe or Phoenix and you want to go out and you want to see a show in a public place with a roof, the Tempe Improv July 30th and 31st, Jeremiah Watkins. What else, Jeremiah? Thank you. I'll possibly be the Denver Improv

the first week of August, but again, we'll see. Denver has a chance. Denver has a chance. And Timpe has a chance as well. Adam Ray is my guest on Jeremiah Wonders this week. Michael Lair had a great conversation with him on Jeremiah Wonders last week. At Jeremiah Dash Watkins on Venmo.

And thank you to the Comedy Store for being open and allowing us to do this great show here tonight. I can't believe Michael said we're using him. You're using us. No, I can imagine. Of course you do. These people are buffoons out there. Yeah, we couldn't add another straight white male regular if you didn't have ALS. You are technically correct.

It doesn't change the fact that you're hilarious. Yeah, and this is the time of my love. Yeah, we're all using each other here. Don't get it twisted. The great Chroma Chris. Great to see you again, Kroma. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

It's so good to be back. Thank you. We fucking love you. The Bruce Wayne of Kill Tony. Back again. Thank you guys. Joel Jules. Jol Jimenez was here tonight.

He's at Mostly Sorry with the new Mostly Sorry podcast. Yeah. We premiere 5. We do these live chats. Me and David Deary. Thanks again for David Deary. Miss him also. He's back in the saddle.

He's back. David Deary's back. Thanks to everybody. Charlie from Vito's Pizza, the Verzi triplets, Martin Morrow, Keel Yulberg, David Lucas,

William Montgomery, Michael Laird, Ryan J. Ebell, Gino, who kept us afloat at Better Box Studios. We will never forget that. That's for sure. Collette,

everybody. Mitch Burrow and Martin Morrow and cackles and the Verzi triplets. We did it. Thank you to everybody who came in the parking lot for this. The first show back from the pandemic, the world famous comedy store. Thank you everybody.

Thanks guys.