KILL TONY - KILL TONY #464 – QUARANTINED #19

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/20/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, Death Squad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt. he's the house artist, he draws every episode and he sells prints of him. Go to Ryan J.e.ebelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand, new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hance Cleary. Yeah. What's up? We are live. Good to be here. Exciting stuff. And here we are for another fun episode of Kill Tony. Brought to you by our amazing sponsors this week. And here's a little bit more about them. Hey, we're all into creepy stuff. Maybe it's a type of porn. Maybe it's a type of video on the internet. And when you're on one of your devices is searching for weird stuff, you don't want other people to know about it. So you're probably thinking,

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And let's just jump right into it. Of course, there's no guest on this episode. However, everybody, there is a band. And there's also Ryan J. E. Belt sitting right there in the audience. That's true. Ryan J. E. Belt draws every episode. We're going to check in with his drawing later. All of those are available at Ryan J.Ebelt.com. We're all filled up on delicious Vito's Pizza.

Special baked Ziti night tonight. What a fiesta. We have the great David Deary here with us. The great Gino from Speedweed, who let us coop up at Betterbox Studios for the majority of the quarantine. And delicious caveman coffee. We can't get enough of those guys. Yeah, you can't get enough of those guys. Damon is here up in the bird's nest, keeping an eye on us, making adjustments smoothly to the lights.

And we're going to have some fun tonight. So let's bring out the band, shall we? Every week they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Let's all find out what they are this week together as I bring up the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Jetsky Johnson, and Chroma Chris. Here we go.

Let's all go to the lobby. Hey, let's all go to the lobby. Yeah. Let's all go to the lobby. Here they come for sure. Any second. Uh-oh. Uh-oh, come on in.

Oh, look at this little one. Spunky little energy. Get out there. the cameras can see, a little lady. You're being blocked by this guy. Hey, look at that guy, too. Wow. Isn't this one have great energy?

Incredible. Here they are definitely movie theater employees, if I've ever seen them before. Look at you, sir. I mean, you are a wild one. Haven't had a barber during this quarantine, huh? Oh, no. What's your name? My name is Spencer. We've met once before. I also work at Blockbuster.

Oh, you still work in a Blockbuster part-time? Yeah, it's the last one. Yeah. That's in, where's that in Florida? Something like that. Yeah. And how about you, little lady? You came out with great energy. You seem like you're not burnt out or anything. What's your name? My name is Jen. I'm 16 years old and I'm aspiring actress. Jen, I can't believe you're 60.

16. Oh, 16. I miss heard that. I misheard that. My goodness. 16. And what's this young magician's name back here? Hello.

My name is Brent. And people say I'm the spitting image of Johnny Depp. Yes, they do. Definitely a spitting image of Johnny Depp. Maybe after he found poop in his bed from his ex-wife. And clearly back here we have what appears to be fucking. Adolf Hitler's attention deficit nephew. I keep getting this Adolf guy.

I don't know who this is, but my name is Snorg. I just moved here from Eastern Europe, and I am 62. I get the only job I can at movie theater. Snork. Snorg. I love the Snorks. Remember that?

S-N-O-R-G. G-S-N-R-G. What part of Eastern Europe are you from? The East part. What country? East East, but it's been so long since I've gone. It doesn't seem like you've been gone long with that thick accent.

I don't talk much. I work in a movie theater. What do you do? You tear tickets? I do it all. That's right. Oh, okay. So we got Spencer, Jen, Brent, and Snorg,

movie theater employees fully in uniform. Theaters got closed this week, even though they've been closed. Really, California didn't close really anything. Just nail salons, massage parlors, and card rooms, for those of you that were going to card rooms a lot. A whole hallmark, right? We've been hooking up N64s privately inside AMC and then just playing Mario Kart. It's been pretty cool.

Wow, just not even playing a new system, like a 15-year-old system. That's cool. On a movie screen. Well, let's just jump right into the show, shall we, everybody? going first, yet again, a murder on this show. One of my favorite comedians on the planet. I love his style. I love everything about this man.

One of my favorite people just in life and in the history of this show, I present to you to get things jolted right from the start before we go to the bucket with four pre-selected names in there. Make some noise for Michael Lairor, everybody. Here's Michael Lairor. I'm not mad at China for creating Kronin in the lab. China taught me how delicious duck is. If you look in the window of a Chinese restaurant, no hours, no name, just 45 ducks.

No one takes more pride in their work than the Chinese duck maker. They spent so much time coming to America just to say, I bet it all on duck, scream me to the guys. Crispier, crispier. They don't even call them windows in China. They call them duck monsters. The duck monster is the mascot of the Peking

Duck Spaceball. China might have ruined civilization by creating the coronavirus, but man do they make a motherfucking duck. Okay. Someone had duck this week, huh? I am no idea how that went. It was good. I was excited.

Yeah, that was pretty. It was good. Were you laughing on the inside? Yeah. You know, sometimes it's, sometimes things are so funny that you're just like, awestruck is. Yeah, that must have been that. Yeah, it was one of those. It was one of those.

Yeah, I feel. Thank you, everyone for now fucking laughing. No, it's good. Tony, where I am from, laughter is punishable by death. Oh, there you go. Where is that again? Where are you from? Oh, okay.

All right. So peaking duck and the coronavirus. They made duck, so who cares if they made coronavirus? You know, six and one, half dozen of the other. That's right. And a half dozen ducks, baby, when I get home. Crispy fucking duck. Hey, what's going on?

back then. Yeah, it appears as though Snorg decided to wipe off his microphone during a podcast. And what? Speaking of Picking, what the fuck are you doing? Wow, Snorg.

What kind of six-year-old European man has never heard a hiller? I know, it's very bizarre. Snorg is, I believe, he might be in the Easter Seals film challenge. Eastern Seals.

Eastern Seals. Oh, I like that. Yeah, thank you. Oh, fine. Finally, I please you. But you've been pleasing a lot of people. I heard you have a big audition coming up. Yeah. Well, we all know that comedy institutions are in a revolution.

And Saturday Night Live is one of them. And by 2025, they have said that all their cast members will be in wheelchairs. So I'm working on. on a new audition and I don't want to take advantage but may I practice one of them? I'd love to see this audition. All right.

Now, Jeremiah's not here but he's a fucking asshole right. Yeah. Yeah. Me and him are like there's some Thespian Highlander shit going on

because I message him and I said can I borrow a wig. And he said, fuck you. Yeah, absolutely. Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen his, like, wig holder?

He keeps him like all labeled. I know. It was, I mean, Jim, my is the kind of soul, but the devil came out of him when I asked for a wig. Oh yeah, for sure. You should go on the road with him sometime.

It's incredible. I've had. So instead of a wig, instead of a wig I have a hat you fucking yeah yeah we got time absolutely

so in place of a wig it appears as though Michael's wearing just a hat so we're going to have to use our imaginations what kind of wig what would the wig

what would the wig would have let you borrow a lady oh a women's wig yeah I'm a lady I'm doing an impression of a lady okay All that needed was a lady wiki monster.

May I work on my audition? Here we go. All right. Is this my camera on? Yeah. All right. So when SNL audition, you go, it's SNL music, but yeah, he can stop it for sure.

Yeah, I understand it. It's just the reference, Tony. I've screen tested. I get it, all right? Yeah. Now, what you do is you're, Hi, I'm Michael Larry, and I'm playing this character,

and you give them a little taste. So, hi, I'm Michael Lairn, and I'll be doing an impression of Aspen Ladd, who's on my t-shirt, a 9-1 U.S.C. Bandaway,

number 10 on the pound per pound list and currently nursing and industry. Here's soon, Aspen. Now, Aspen is, she sounds like a Disney princess, but she's the beast. So she's both beauty and the beast. Here we go, Aspen Laugh. Oh, post-fight interview.

Well, I was really happy. I got the first round TKO, but our plan was to be as vicious as quickly as possible. I was hoping to rip her from him and beat her to death with it, but I ended up getting the TKO anyway, so I'm happy for my team. There was one point where I was in a position and I looked down at her teeth and I thought, man, I'd love to knock all these bitches teeth at her fucking mouth and make her choke on them. But you know what, in the end, I got the win anyway and I'm just happy. At one point I punched her so hard, I thought I'm ripped it. for beating hard out of her chest and handed to Herb Dean. But, you know, I got the win.

And it's for my team. Thank you, Lauren Michaels. Wow, that was impressive. Yeah. Heck, yeah. That was definitely like Aspen Ladd style, or as I call it, ALS. Oh, my God. How do you come up with this shit so far?

That was good. That was good. I've always wondered what Aspen Lad would sound like if she had Lou Gehrig's disease. That's incredible. Well, all those fighters are going to find out. Oh, yeah, they are. No doubt. Is that the only character you're submitting to Saturday Night Live? No, I got years. I'm working on one at a time.

Oh, okay. I mean, it's the only one I have tonight. I mean, maybe we'll see more on other episodes coming up. Oh, definitely. And you come from your whole family, you come from a long family of comedians, right? Well, not necessarily long line, but one thing I really wanted to share is my great-grand-uncle is a famous vaudeville and a friend. part of Smith and Dale who Neil Simon based

the Sunshine Boys on two of all their groups but one of them was Smith and Dale and they were together for 70 years and they were like an Aberdeenka cello type but they grew up and met in the Jewish get her. Keep on. I'm sorry.

No, no. Here's to everyone watching. I will never ever do anything sentimental or serious again. Fuck these monsters.

They're Fuck you, Joe Burke. Okay. I love it, man. Yeah, but I've relatives who are famous for a villain, but they live in the Jewish ghettos in New York with George Burns and Gracie Allen. So it goes real far back in those pictures,

that I gave you. Oh, yeah, you did hand me a folder of pictures. Should we go over some of these pictures? I don't know. Is this really your... Yeah, no, it's not a bit. That's my great-grand-on.

That's your great-grand-un. No one with Jam my nose. Oh, wow. This one here sort of looks like a... This one here sort of looks like a snorg. Look at that. Is that your... It's me.

Snorg's grandfather. I'm a word German. Then we have these guys from the Ciro's Days. Yeah, real cool. Wow. And throwing. Really riveting shit here. Yeah, we're going to put these on me a view of it.

We're going to put these on the YouTube and show the people. This is who, your grandfather, your great-grandfather? My grandma's uncle. your grandma's uncle. All right. It's a little bit more distant of a relative than I was hoping. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Who's in your family? I don't know if you know this, but my grandfather built the Pennsylvania Railroad. Really? Yeah. He was the designer of it. Oh, what about the B&O? Manab. He had nothing to do with the B&O.

but the Pennsylvania Railroad a big deal nice Red Van just dipped some of these old pictures and some of his mashed potatoes that he keeps always very close my lap potatoes

what I tried to sell those for over a year those pictures are like 100 years old I'm like I tried to sell them I'm glad I didn't I couldn't even get five

Why would you want to sell them if they're a family? When you were a drug addict and you... Yeah, man. For weed money, it's just a fucking picture. You have an incurable disease. You think you might start selling stuff in like the last... I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I had an incurable disease.

You're planning like an incurable disease. You're planning like an auction towards the end or something like that? Tony, every problem I've used on this show, I've already sold. That's true. I like that. My price is my name bag. Went for 41. What?

I don't know. I didn't catch something. Yeah, he sold like a bike chain for like $800. Yeah, but I saw my price in Ryan name. badge for 40 bucks and I'm going to sell my Superman outfit because I'm best played out. You should sell that magic trick that you did on last week's episode. Oh, I bought 30 of them. Oh, good.

Why'd you buy 30? Got to make sure they're going to work. They don't come and buy them. They don't come into one pack. They come 30 at a time. Tricks on you. I love it. Hey, by the way,

magician. Magician? Horrible at customer service. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was a nightmare getting that magic train. Yeah, you went to a magician store or online? Yeah.

Well, the magician, though. handcraft them and the trick and making it sell it off their side. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. It's not easy. It's not easy communicating with magicians.

For real. How was my Chinese monologue? It was good, man, you know, Peking, Duck, China, coronavirus, duck, Peking, Peking Duck. We do, you. Speaking of ducks, you ever play duck, duck, goose? Oh, yeah. Not anymore, yeah, asshole. You always win.

Yeah. I mean, you could still play it as long as the person just says duck. Yeah, as long as I'm always the person. Not the goose. Yeah. I don't know. No, it's good. You nailed it.

Well, it's the dichotomy. me because if I played I'd be always the person standing. I'm still picturing you wearing a women's wig right now. Oh, I lost an image because Jeremiah says fucking much.

You could have asked me. I have like 20 wigs. Yeah. And they're just in a box. Anything you're ever going to ask Jeremiah for, you could just ask one of us. We'll help you out. We're very, we like it when every

but he does get around here. And if you need us to put money in your parking meter, you know, put a couple quarters in there, just walk out for you, we will. I'm surprised he didn't ask you yesterday to go and do that for him. Oh, dude. I mean last week.

Yeah. When my handicap tag, I could park on your mother and I wouldn't get a ticket. Oh. All right. Yeah, David. All right.

Michael Lairer, everybody, getting things started tonight. We love you, Michael. The great Michael Lairer. everybody Hey, fuck yeah Spencer Jen, Brent and Snorg sounding golden

already tonight very exciting whose mic was that? What is going? Oh, oh okay Jesus Christ Joel, come on Joel. A lot of noises back there snorg I could have blamed Joel

I was disinfecting microphone so that I don't twice a worldwide pandemic Even though you're the only person on that microphone It's pretty impressive that twice during one performer you would clean it. It's weird because Chroma Chris really wants to reach and talk sometimes. Oh. And it's kind of freaking me out with his Johnny Depp looks right now.

Okay. Well, if he does, you can unplug it and then clean it and then plug it back in. How about that? Snorg. Sounds great. That's how things work here in the United States of America. Thank you. Wow.

Wonderful country. Great to be here. All right. We have some people in the bucket. Let's see what happens here. night. I'm going to reach my hand in there, and we are going to meet a stranger. How about that? Time for stranger things. Oh, wow. Well, from one man in a wheelchair to another. This young man was here, and signed up. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the stylings of Kyler Bentley. Here we go.

Kyler Bentley. just loves you more than you will No Here's Tyler Bentley I fucking knew that shit was going to happen That bucket is rigged God I can't even remember my set now Fucking Michael Lair killed it

I do remember the last thing I said to my dad Before I got paralyzed though I said Are you still holding the ladder Yeah This is fucking awesome Man I haven't done stand up in 14 years

stood up in 14 God, it's hard right now. Everything's such a blur. God damn coronavirus. I'm sick of worrying about it. I want to go out and actually

catch it just to quit worrying about it. The problem is people with coronavirus, they're stingy. Yeah, hold up in quarantine, Bogart and all the Corona. It's like past the Dutchie. Kyler Bentley, everybody. Hell yeah.

There you go. Hey, hey, hey. All right. Kyler, that was fun, dude. I knew I was going to go after Michael Lerre. I just felt it. The bucket has a mind of its own. That is wild.

I love your holding the ladder joke. Very fun. Stand up. Coronavirus, paralyzed. Is there just being regular paralyzed? Does that cause a bigger threat for coronavirus in some way? Like, I mean, is it? Every spinal cord injury is different.

Yeah. Like, I broke my neck, so, like, I have very little function. So I have compromised lungs, and I smoke cigarettes. So, yeah, I'd probably kill me. Yeah, probably. Well, all right. Then I don't have to worry about it anymore. Being paralyzed couldn't take your balls away, though, huh?

Because you're out here. Or maybe your balls don't work. I can't feel them. But they work. Where do you lose feeling at? Below my, like right below my chest. Damn, damn. And how did that happen again?

Snowboarding. Okay, yeah. You've been on this show. We've talked about this before. Yeah, but I like to lie about it. Okay. Yeah. What do you like to say sometimes?

My favorite. is I dated a bodybuilder girl and I was performing cunning linguists. She squeezed my neck so hard it broke. Kind of linguist. Kind of linguist. That's my favorite. I love that.

And that was 14 years ago, the snowboarding accident? Yes. Were you doing like some wild trick or something like that? Or did you just go too fast? Too fast off a jump. Damn. Just trying to do a regular old jump, no like flips or anything? No, I wasn't that good.

Right. Obviously. Yeah. No shit, right. Okay, well, that's fun. So what are you been doing during this quarantine? What do you have, what have you been cooped up? Watching movies, Netflix.

What's your favorite stuff that you've caught during this? I watched a good one last night, son of a gun. What's that? Gold Heist movie. Ewan McGregor. robbery movie. I don't know. I watched so much shit. It just all blurs together literally like every day feels like the same day.

Yeah. Anyone watch that new Tom Hanks movie? I heard that was amazing. What is it? No, what's that on? What is it, Ryan? Greyhound. Greyhound. Ryan's talking with his head in his,

what's that called, drawing thing? I couldn't hear. Greyhound? Greyhound, yes. I love it. This time he said Greyhound again with his head down and then lifted up his head like, I'm the asshole. Trolls 2 is now showing at AMC. Have you seen Greyhound? Any of the movie theater people? No, no, I don't watch that.

My country just got Forest Gump. How about you, Jen? Have you seen Greyhound? Big Bus. Lots of poverty. Oh, shit. So what else? Other than watching movies,

what do you do for food? Do you cook yourself or you postmates? I got food stamps. Why would he cook himself? What? What, Snorg? Yeah. Do you put yourself in a boiling pot of water and you're like,

oh, and then you had some salt and you're like, it's done. Bon Appetit. Yeah, cook on high heat so that it's over. Ready real quick. What the fuck did you say, Snorg? Earlier, what did you say? You asked him to cook himself.

You asked if he cooked himself. Now showing. Now showing Tony's anger. I said, why would he cook himself? And then Chroma Chris said because he has no feeling. But you have food stamps, you say? Yes. And what do you do?

Do you just go to the grocery store yourself? No, I got a caregiver, shopper, government pays for, for, for the, for the food. them to work for me. Oh, that's cool. Laundry, all the shit I can't do. Oh, that's awesome. Like everything. Sounds like a dream.

Yeah, that's, Red Band lives the exact same life. I do. He has someone that does all those things. He already has the motorized bike. He's on his way. Exactly. And I poop myself. Oh, Jesus Christ, Brian.

Oh, Red Band. How's that been going? How's your motorized bike been going on? I saw a video you posted with you fake pets. Pedaling. It's great. The pedaling is real. Yeah.

I know when I pedal on a bicycle, it always goes, wee, wee, wee, wee. No. The bike has different modes as a mode that's just like having, being like a regular bike. But then if you want to like, you know, go fast, you can just crank it. Oh, I know how it works.

I've been on a bike before. I'm with you, Red Band. I got a motorized bike. too. I used to have an electric scooter when I lived next to you. You may have seen me. I used to have a little chopper, an electric chopper we called it. My brother and I had it. It was baller as fuck, man. It was a little I doubt it. Literally was like a little Harley Davidson looking thing. This is 14 years ago, yeah. Yeah, it's fun man. The cool thing is like I didn't realize how close I was to Girt Park. So just like going around the zoo and stuff like that and all up into the mountains. Yeah, you live like less than a

mile away from one of the most beautiful parks in all of L.A. for the last decade and a half. I know. You just figured it took you, all it took you was one electric motorized bicycle for you to find it. Brian thought Burbank stopped at the Starbucks that he goes

to. Well, that's it. No more California. That way. It's like the he thought it was like the Truman show. Redman is what we call a fat earther I what?

I get that We called you a fat earther dude I still don't even know why that was some fat joke hilarious Oh shit Oh, Kyler, Kyler, Kyler. Any other fun facts about your life we should know about?

I like to draw, and over quarantine, I drew a picture that I brought of Ryan J.E. Well, I figure he draws all you guys, so I drew him. Whoa, that sounds awesome. Holy shit. No one draws Ryan. This is an interesting moment in the history of the show. Ryan could care less.

He's not even going to look up. Ryan's just mumbling the word greyhound into his drawing board right now. He said it was fucking greyhound, you son of a bitch. I don't have enough art in my house. He's a pretty interesting looking character, so. Hell yeah. First person to ever draw Ryan J. E. Belt is paralyzed from the chest down. Whoa!

That's fucking accurate. I think Ryan's, perhaps he's seen it before. Either that or he has no respect for him. I know. Like, let's, let's re-enact what Ryan just did. Ryan, he actually drew that with his feet. I showed him it earlier. He was like, yeah, dog shit.

That is very impressive. Now, is drawing something you've always done, or did that mostly start after the accident? No, I've always been artistic, but, uh, I mean, that's really good. That's really like. Learning how to hold a pencil, because, like, my hands are partially paralyzed.

I can't use my fingers. Like, so learning how to hold a pencil or a pen, and read basically learning how to control and get the detail that I like. I mean, it's not as good as I would like it to be, but, you know. Very fucking impressive, and it shows a lot of heart, and it's a very cool thing to do to draw Ryan Jay. He's drawn us, I believe, over perhaps, I don't know, 400 episodes of the show. How many do you think you've done, Ryan? Definitely over 300.

Right, a little bit over 300. There you go. Kyle, awesome stuff, very fun performance and a very fun interview. Thank you so much. Thank you, good. Tyler Bentley, everybody. Tyler Bentley,

he just did good on the show. Joe, do, do. What do you know? Hey, Tony, can I say I just got a text from Jeremiah and he read the DMs between Michael and Jeremiah and Jeremiah definitely said that he could help him out if he needed that.

So, yeah, I'm reading the DMs right now that he screenshot and sent me. That's interesting. Spencer and Jeremiah seemed to have a little bit of a bond. Michael, are we missing something here? Okay, I think we need to get to the bottom of this. Yeah, Michael, are you getting your phone out? You getting this? Detroit capture this.

Can that light swing to where Michael is? Yes. Yes, it can. There is a god. You should roll to the mic. This story has less legs than the last two comics. That mic's already been disinfected. Is there a microphone on that, Detroit?

Or no? Okay, yeah, put his old mic back in there. Michael, wheel back up again. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Kill Tony's show history, this is a curtain call. an encore performance by Michael Laird. When you have a limited time to live, you get to perform as many times as you want

on Kill Tony during an episode. I know you wrote something long and cold. It was heartless. Hold on. In the meantime, I talked to Jesse, and she thought it was really weird that you didn't ask her for women's women's women. Do you have your own wigs?

Yeah, I've got plenty of women's wigs. Yeah, I'm surprised. You could have asked me for women's wigs, women's underwear. I have all these things. Yeah, he dresses up like one every night. That's right. That's what I was implying by the joke I just made. I know.

All of you say this, none of you have been helpful to me. What the fuck are you talking about? And anything. Oh, is that true? I do everything. I'm going to tickle the fuck out of you. No way. My Jeremiah

don't have what you sent me. I, yeah, Jeremiah screenshotted the DM and sent it to me. Do you want me to read it, Michael? Oh, shit. Oh, this is quite the standoff here. There's a part of me that thinks,

I mean, this is a tough one because I have a, I. I have a feeling that Jeremiah may have wanted to help you on this one, but now you're getting called on your bluff. But at the same time, I could also see Jeremiah not want to share wigs with you. He's very about your counter. Because Jeremiah has been quoted as saying only black lives matter. Right.

Black lives matter. There you go. You just said it again. A paraphrase. You're not allowed to paraphrase. Then you read it off of my paraphrase. This is my favorite part of the last 15 episodes of the show, by the way. Do you want me to read word for word?

No, yeah. Go ahead. Just start just the part we want to know. Okay. Michael DM Jeremiah and said, you the wig slash beard master if I ever need to borrow question mark Jeremiah said I usually don't lend stuff out because I have them organized for specific characters but if you're in need of something specific I can probably help

that is heartless and cold that's basically like you can go fuck yourself be a professional and get your own wig I feel you bro especially in the age of corona respect I'm straight now you're calling me out like a bitch on the show. Let's go, Lair. Right now, right here. Fisbis do not stage, bitch. Wow. You guys should have a fist fight. I got my money on Michael Lair. Slap off. Look how... Here's the problem. Look how fast I can't put on. For real.

Let's see it. For those of you just listening to the show, it was very slow and he almost fell out of his chair. It blew my hair back on the other side of the stage. We all agree I was right. Absolutely. Fuck you. Michael Lairr wins this one. You've just started something that you should have started Lair. Oh, shit.

Look at that. He's going to give you a wig with smallpox on it next week. All right. The only thing I love more than Michael Lair on this show is Michael Laird twice on this show. So there he was again, the great Michael Lair. are giving us more very compelling, interesting times. Shout out to Jeremiah Watkins for sending in the screenshot of the DMs, giving us some of the inside baseball behind the characters of Kill Tony.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. This young lady became famous on the show in Ventura, California, being pulled out of the bucket on both episodes of that show. Fun fact, those were the last two shows in front of a live audience, and she's back. and gentlemen, it is Blue Ball is here. Blue Ball is here. Blue Ball.

Here's Blue Ball, everyone. I'm so happy to be out of my house. But I have to say being quarantined at home wasn't that bad for me. I kind of made the most of it. I mean, I had struggles

for sure. Like, I struggled between what Netflix show I was going to binge or what are the 27 podcast that I'm going to watch while I rub one out. And actually, that's pretty much where everything turned into is I broke my own personal record many times and felt like, wow, I didn't think the pandemic was going for that long. And I burnt myself out big time that I hit my masturbation threshold. Anyone else? No.

Okay. Well, yeah, I thought it was, I think I thought I broke, I broke myself, but then I watched the comedy store's benefit for the employees. And when I saw Bobby Lee's butthole. Yeah, what happened when you saw Bobby Lee's butthole? I got to know the end of this. I definitely started to get kind of warm, but I lost my shit when I saw Joey Diaz unfold this fucking junk. All right, there goes. Blue Ball. Play some music, guys. Let's end

this. She saw Bobby Lee's she saw Bobby Lee's Peking Duck. You know, this is what, your fourth or fifth time on the show and I think every single time you've talked about your bubble. Not every time. Not every time. I mean, I don't

know. It might be every time. But you definitely, you're very sexual on stage. I am who I am. Yeah, you're a sexual woman. Now, is that true that you... If I can only get laid, though. Is it true that you masturbated a lot during the quarantine? Yeah.

Is there really... I know you were making jokes there, but is there something that you watch? Or, like, I don't think women, perhaps, maybe it's just a stereotype that I'm not correct about, but... No, I'm pretty good at doing it. I've got it down. You use your imagination, or do you watch stuff? Now showing Avatar. Beautiful.

Sometimes it's watching something, but there's, like, a lot of crazy shit on... Netflix and wherever now that is straight up porn. Like what? This show called, I mean a movie called Love, but it's not the love thing. It's a movie. Gaspur Noe. Yes, thank you. Oh, Snorke, do you know about that?

I know Gasper Noi. The opening scene is full porn. And then the whole movie is full porn. And that's the type of stuff that you like to rub it out to? No, actually I was kind of shocked to see that whole thing that I actually watch the movie. But no, I don't really need visual. I just kind of just need to look at guys.

And what do you do? Do you use something in particular? You seem like the kind of lady that would have like one of those big giant vibrators or something like that. Like a Hitachi? Jackhammer. Or like a mace from a castle?

No, anything. A pet horse. Sometimes just a tight pair of pants works. A tight pair of pants? There's the noise. That's the noise of a tight pair of pants. I'm just saying it's not one thing. It's just lots of things.

Right. It's mental. How long does it usually, go ahead? You're seeing the movie Flubber with Rob Williams? Flubber? Yeah. No. That's a screen film.

I'll put that on my watch list. Thanks. Oh, okay. So that's fun. Have you hooked up with anybody during the quarantine? No. No, no, not at all. Are you kidding?

Is that, you should? say that like that was like a very like over the top answer are you being sarcastic no no i i i've been very corny i've been uh very isolated but even before the pandemic um no i've it's uh i've had a very quiet what's wild is that you seem a little bit less crazy than you did before being isolated for four months isn't that weird like the crazy people are getting normal and the normal people are going crazy oh no i'm still pretty nuts but um Like, what's one of the craziest things about you since I've gotten you to admit that you're nuts? Go ahead.

That, as sexual as I may sound, I am, I haven't had sex in a very, very long time. How long are we talking? Years. How many years? Five. Five years. Is there a reason? Is there something that you're ashamed of?

No. No, I just, like, I get to know people and they laugh at my jokes and then the other things coming out of my mouth. and they're like, I could never put my dick in that thing. Did you hear with the things that come out of her mouth? You don't talk to many comedians, too. Yeah, what the fuck? Well, I just started to, but still like, yeah, I'm not getting approached and whatever. You're like Drew Barrymore.

My e-Harmony account went dry because there was no one like compatible within so many miles. And like, I don't just think. Have you heard of something called Tender? No, yes, I have. And no, I am not on that. Thank you. You have Wi-Fi? Just an advice from a 15-year-old boy.

Okay. But no, I just, yeah. Five years, have you been on dates? Like, when's the last date you went on? Do you, a guy take you to dinner at all? No, I go out with friends. But I have friends-zoned people. Because, you know, like, I walk into a room, like, I smell sausage.

It's like, that's the, what my... Have you ever seen the movie Snake Eyes with Nicholas Cage? It's a good movie? I have. Great film. Okay. All right. That works.

Thanks. That'll work sparingly that type of like reference. What do you mean? Nicholas Cage movies? Yeah. Okay. 8mmeter? Yeah.

Great film. Face off. American Treasure. Or national. Never mind. Snor. We just got Forrest Gump, okay? Snorg.

Not only did you say the wrong movie, but you had no accent whatsoever. I've been learning English for these. Do they call it American Treasure where you're from? Yes. You have to say it like that. American Treasure. He's like, want to hear my impression of how you sound? American Treasure.

Snark is the guy that's on the operation box. Okay. Got him. Right? Jesus. Blue Ball, you're out of control. Operation coming from a box that has been operated on. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Anyway. American treasure. So what do you like to do? You've been isolated? How do you kill the time when you're not? I actually have been working on all my videos to submit one for you.

Like, and my whole passion has been writing. And I'm really just, I feel like I'm coming into my own. Like, I'm not wearing a diaper tonight. Oh, that's right. You're wearing a diaper pre-quarantine. Right? How could I forget that? And then I said I had a fans-only account selling my diapers.

and you're like only fans and whatever. Wait, why does she wear a diaper again? I can't remember. Because that's like the question. It's the nervous thing where like I have stage fright and I think I don't have, I don't know if I don't have it, but right now with no one really in here,

I'm okay with myself. It's really weird. Have you had a kid? Do you have a kid? Not that I'm aware of. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Well, Blue Ball, you are, as Snorg would say,

an American treasure. I am glad that you signed up tonight. It's always a pleasure to have you on. You're very different. You're a wild, wild spirit. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the comedy styleings of Blue Ball. Blue Ball, forget about me. Blue, blue.

All right, time for a regular, everybody. This young man, great joke writer, unbelievable roaster. I love him. He's my brother from another mother. the thriller in my manila, the rumble in the jungle. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only David Lucas.

Yeah, what's up, y'all? Oh, damn, the mic's not working. White women are pissing me off. Y'all ain't fooling me marching with Black Lives Matter. Y'all hoes just want some shit to complain about. white women are saying that calling them Karen is the same thing as calling them a nigger.

Like, bitch, get the fuck out of here. Did somebody spray you with a fire hose while yelling Karen? Did a nigger chase you down the street with a German shepherd while yelling Karen? I protested in one protest during the Black Lives Matter. I didn't protest like in the hoods and shit. Like I protested in the suburbs with some. niggas that had shit to lose. Like I protested with some doctors

and lawyers. I'm like, oh yeah, y'all got jobs. I can protest with y'all. But I saw a white girl so thick during the Black Lives Matter protest that I started chanting all Lives Matter. I was like, man, this bitch fine as fuck. Hell yeah. David Lucas. I love it. David Lucas.

Play that fucking music, white boys. There they go. They just did. I love it. White women, Black Lives Matter. White women, Karen. And word. Those are my notes from that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm about to fucking make that shit like five, six minutes.

Hell yeah. Stretch it out just like you would, a white woman. Yeah, you already know, Tony. Because you're a white woman. That's right. That's me. That's me. I'm actually the white woman that...

At the 12 o'clock, Tony loses facial hair. Y'all niggas just don't know. That's true. That's absolutely true. A lot of people don't know this, but David Lucas actually looted my home during the mom. I stole a dildo in a cape. I seriously want that cape back when you get it. Tony's car smell like rubber bands.

Why would my car, why would my car smell like rubber bands? Because it's latex, nigga. Oh, yeah. No, that's true. Hell yeah, you gay Arctic fox-looking motherfucker. That's me.

I'm a gay Arctic fox, and you are a straight, giant black man. Yeah, yeah, Tony. You look like a mechanic to only work on Priuses. That's, Actually, I actually, that's actually one of the things that I've been doing to supplement my income. An electric car specialist.

Yeah, I also work on electric motorcycles. I had to give a red band a little tune-up. No, bro, that shit, when I see red, because I saw a red band post that he wrote like 15 miles. It did today when I saw that shit was electric. I was laughing so hard. Oh, I know, trust me. I don't know why you guys think I'm like trying to pull a fast one on. It's so funny.

From day one, I've said I'm getting an e-bite. It's fucking cool. I saw that too. Brian, if it makes you feel better, I haven't joked about it, but I did screenshot it. When you posted your trail of electric bicycling like you're actually exercising. You guys just need to come over and fucking get on it. That's like me. It's just about having fun.

I don't know why you guys are like freaking out about it. Tracking where I went in my Corvette and being like, went for a 20 mile jog today in my Corvette. Red Band bicycle cut off where he go up heels. Wow. Tony ran 100. 30 miles an hour down the 10 freeway at one point. Red band, you should get a dirt bike, bro. That's more manly.

It's not more manly. My shit's faster than that crap. Every bike with redband on, it's a dirt bike. It has instant torque. It doesn't have like the gears like like that. It's like a Tesla. You just want to have a reason to plug some shit up so you can go get some food. He has instant torque

to get his instant pork. That's hilarious. You ever ride an electric? bicycle? No, dick, I'm straight. No, come on. That's not a game. You make everything gay. Everything I do is gas until they run out of fossil fuels, nigga.

Wow. I did use... All right, I lied. I did use to have a hybrid I3 BMW. Oh, okay. But the motherfucker only went like 110 miles. So it was only... It was a great car, a lot of room. Is that the one that has like the weird wood... Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think sucks. Do cars go slower because you're in them They can't hit the max speed because you have the weight of like a small family. Oh, okay. A small, like Mexican family. You make dogs start urinating. I make dogs urinate. Yeah, when you walk in the house.

This is what it's come to. This is why you don't see another show where the same two people roast each other for 74 episodes in a row. You make dogs urinate. This would literally be the final episode of roast battle if this was that show. They'd be like, well, that's it. An exec would be like, oh, they've run out. David Lucas said, Tony makes dogs urinate. That's funny, though, right?

No, it's actually true. I actually go to the dog park sometimes. I'm like the dog, you've heard of the dog whisper? I'm the dog Pispur. You're the dog tickler. Yeah, I go up and I start tickling the dogs. You do look like you can communicate with squirrels, though. I do.

I do. We both love putting nuts in our mouth. For the wintertime. Yep. And we both love climbing trees and staring at guys from a, above. See, I can make gay jokes about me too. Man, fuck.

That motherfucker's defense is 100. That's it. How are you going to joke when he give you the joke? That's it. I'm like the Tennessee Titans on Madden, except the only Titan on me is my butthole. It's Titan. It ain't tight.

We all know that shit. That motherfucker's Lucy Goosey. That's right. So, David, what else has been happening? What do you got going on in your life? Shit, ain't shit happen since last week, dog, same old, slow-mo. I went to the beach today to fucking right, dog.

That shit was... Okay, you washed up on shore. If you don't get your starfish booty hole looking at somebody here, bro. Fucking sea urchin looking at it. You went to the beach to go right, so what did you do? Did you walk on the sand? Yeah. Was it quick sand?

Did you start sinking? Like the horse in the never-ending story? Thalcore? Oh, that's a really sad scene. Krova said nothing's quick with him. Oh. Hey, man, if you don't get your... deceased Chris Cornell looking ass up out of here, bro.

Hey, people often tell me I look like deceased Chris Cornell. Anyway, but you know a lot about Black Hole Suns. That's actually one of my favorite songs, bro. Really? Yeah. Oh, well. Yeah. Okay.

So you went to the beach. What happened at the beach? I just chill, you know, sunbathe, get a tan. Yeah. Trying to get darker. It wrote, bro. Does that work? For black people?

I don't sunburn, so I just get dark. I didn't think you guys could get darker. I thought it would just... If you, sun tan, that shit gonna smell like turkey bacon. Get your ass up out of here, bro. Fucking veggie patty smelling ass, nigga. Jesus. That'd be the only sunbathing is the only kind of bathing that Red Band does.

That motherfucker call his dick the Impossible Burger. Oh, my God. What the fuck's that even mean? Because it's not real meat, but it tastes like real meat. How do you know how my dick tastes like? Well, okay, Red Band. Chicks be telling me. Oh.

That girl over there? They'd be like, you taste better than Red Button. Oh, shit. An Asian girl. Yeah. Oh, fuck, man. This is wild. There's a lot of drama.

I like this tonight's episode of Kill Tony's. A lot of inside information. Yeah, bro. I love your Asian impression, by the way. Can I hear that one more time? You taste better than Redbaden. Oh, my God. Redbet have spring roll.

Black guys are allowed to do any kind of impression they want, by the way. If I do that, it's racist. If I go, oh, your dick tastes better than Red Band. I'm like canceled, but they can't cancel a podcast. They can't cancel a nigger, thank you. Right. That's what I was going to say. If I was allowed to say whatever I wanted, that's what I would have said.

You can say it. I'll just say it for you. No, I can't say it. But I will say this, is that you're always fun. We always have a blast. Always fun, fun, fun conversations and great jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas. Yes, sir.

There he goes. On to the next one we go. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, I have pulled yet another name out of the bucket. This is this young lady's first time on the show. And so here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the comedy stylings of Cici. Here we go.

It's time for Cici. All right. Hi, guys. My name is Carolyn. I guess I'll just go So I think as a nation I'm appalled at how we've been treating like sex offenders without knowing

the whole story behind it For instance I was arrested about a year ago For masturbating and it wasn't my fault at all Like I have this thing where like I masturbate My sleep you know so it's like sleepwalking You can't tell that you're actually doing it But like so like for instance like if I'm like having this dream Like I don't know like I'm kidnapped by ISIS

And like they're like Oh you either need to like either way we're getting ahead of course I'm going to finger myself like I'm only human so like anyway it wasn't my fault that I masturbate my sleep it also wasn't my fault that I like

fell asleep in church with my eyes open but like it kind of looked worse than it was you know so it's like I didn't like have to do jail time but I had to do like community service so like you know that big brother little brother program like the big sister little sister thing

so I was just oh there you go There you go, absolutely. Cici. That was Cici's time. Hi, Cici. Hi. How are you? A little drunk, to be honest.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, it's so early too. You had to sit down. He can't stand up for a couple minutes, can't you? Well, they got to sit down. Wow, following in the footsteps of Michael Lair and Kyler Bentley over there. Maybe we can get you a, okay. So C.C., this is your first time on the show.

Mm-hmm. How long have you been on comedy? I haven't at all. This is your first time ever performing? Pretty much, yeah. Wow, look at that. That's interesting. Is this something you've always wanted to do?

I mean, no, not really. I just love hearing people laugh despite what happened. What are you just running past the comedy store and thought you'd stop in? Yeah, I was running. You do have some workout gear on. Well, because I came straight from Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, that's cool. You do Jiu-Jitsu.

How long have you been doing that for? About a year. Okay. What level are you at? Well, so I feel like, I don't know, I've only been doing it a year, right? But I feel like if you can beat a black belt, you should automatically be a black belt. Have you beaten a black belt? I have.

Really? In jujitsu? Yeah. Or something else? In jiu-in-jitsu. Like, go fish? How did you beat a black belt? Was he just wearing a black belt?

Well, I ride a motorcycle. It's just a businessman outside of the gym. I ride a motorcycle so, like, my legs are super strong. Really? Yeah. She thinks blackbell. are black people with white belts. I don't know.

Can we maybe, you know, I don't know if you know this, but Snorg here has been doing jujitsu. Would you let her wrap her legs around you and squeeze? You think I'm going to touch another human during a worldwide pandemic? Oh, that's right. I forgot. I forgot.

I'm sorry. Maybe they could wrestle six feet apart. Yeah, can you guys do, all right. Wait. What was the move that beat the black belt? Yeah. That's what I want to know. There's a go-go plata.

Wow. Yeah. That's not even an easy move to do. It's not, but I'm really flexible. That is incredible. And was everybody really impressed at the gym when you did that? Kind of. They all went, whoa.

Wow. And it is kind of crazy. And you made the person tap? Mm-hmm. My goodness gracious. That is very impressive. Thanks. What else do you do?

What else are you into? I ride motorcycles. Okay. They're called electric bikes. I mean, mine's an actual motorcycle. Right. Electric bike. Yeah.

How long have you been? riding motorcycles for. Also about a year. Do you ever take the area that you traveled and posted online like you exercised? No, I don't, yeah. Again, I did not post it like, hey, I exercised today. I said, I went on a fun bike ride today. I know, but that's what people do on their bicycles.

Like, you have to say, I went on a fun electric bike ride today. I did. I even posted the link to the motorcycle or the e-bike. Jesus. It's just funny, man. It really isn't. I mean, what's funny is if I was going, hey, I went on, you know, I worked out hard today.

Look at where I worked out today. I just picture a red band sitting out with his VR set on a chair. Is this how funny it is when I get mad on the show? Yeah. You're finally seeing it after hundreds of episodes. No, I know. That's why I continue to do it. I'm in full control.

What is the name of the Jiu-Jitsu school that you go to? 10th planet. No, shit. Wow. Wait, did you beat Eddie Bravo? Did he have a boner? No, but honestly, like that is kind of like what gives me an advantage. Like when, never mind.

Go ahead. When they get a boner, like, yeah, they start to get all like nervous and they start to make mistakes. And I'm like, ah, and then I just... Wow. Can you feel them get boners sometimes? Damn. That's why. So, like, you use that to your advantage.

Well, yeah, because, yeah. Wow, that is impressive. When there's blood going to where there's less in the brain. See, that's what happens to me when I do jujitsu with other men. I get boners, and they're all like, dude, what the fuck? And then I choke them out. No ghee, no anything. Yeah.

Which location do you train up? The one on Las Sienega. Oh, cool. Okay. Where is that? Las Siena and what? Scott Epstein's journey. Yeah, I know.

I go to Epstein. Yeah, I roll with like Annie Litterman a lot. I go to Andrew Epstein's gym. Andrew Epstein. I meant Jeff Epstein. I fucked that up. I read a Prince Andrew article today and got them crossed up there. Jeff Epstein is the famous pedophile.

Okay. So that's at Las Siena near what cross street? Whitworth or something, I think. Okay. So it's pretty far south. Yeah. All right. Yeah, it's by a little pass at Beverly Center.

That's fun. What else have you been doing during this quarantine? I've finished writing a bunch of scripts that I've been working on. But it sucks because I started writing them all like pre-quarantine and whatever. And so I feel like now I can't do any of them. Right. Like, yeah. Yeah, that's, yeah, that is a predicament that everybody's in.

Has Eddie Bravo ever trained one of your classes? No. So you don't know any of the concerns? conspiracy theories that he usually does? No, what conspiracy theories is you? There's a lot of them. I guess he does this thing where he like before a class, you'll have like, you know, talk with everybody.

But it's just him saying his like most recent conspiracy theory. So all these guys are like, I'm just here for jihitsu. I don't, flat earth. Yeah. All right. Well, that's fun. You have a boyfriend, Cece? Um, I have a few.

Oh, okay. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. One in the jitsu, two in the shitsu. You know what I'm saying? You got Mitch on that one.

How about you, Jen, you ever do any jiu-jitsu? I mean, I could if I trained as an actress, but I haven't yet. What characters do you like to play in acting? You know, whatever part I'm given, I can play them all. Really? Yeah. Okay. Maybe we can get you to.

do a little scene maybe with Spencer here can you guys do you guys know your movies can you do like a scene out of American treasure or something like that or American Treasure

Maybe Forrest Gump or something like you could tell them that you're dying or something like that do you have AIDS So I'll be Jenny Not far off I'm turning in

And he'll be a retard, not far off. Forrest, what are you doing here? I came to see you, Jenny. You know this isn't going to work, Forrest. What do you mean? I'm sick. What do you mean by sick, Janie? I'm sick. I have AIDS.

Okay, all right. Wait, let this go. Okay, you guys want to keep going? No, go. I'm really in this right now. Forrest? What is AIDS, Jenny? Oh, Forrest, you're so dumb.

You'll never understand. Well, could you try to break it down from me? I know I'm not smart like those other guys. Listen, just go run, Forrest. Get out of here. Run! You want me to run? Run.

You don't actually have to run. You can just ride on an electric scooter and post like you ran. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, it's so funny to me. All right. Cici, this was fun. Thank you.

You let us into a scene out of one of the great movies. 1994's Pulp Fiction, I mean Forrest Gump. There you go. There goes Cici, everybody. 1994 best film at the Academy Awards beating Pulp Fiction That's why I said that Confused myself with the 94 thing

I do kind of think that if you beat a black belt At least maybe three times You should automatically be a black belt I think so too I mean every other every other competitive Or that black belt goes backwards Right yeah I think that seems fair. I mean, if you're boxing or in pro wrestling and you go against someone with a

fucking belt and you beat them, you get their belt. I think she should get a black belt. I do too. I'll talk to Eddie about it. There you go. It's going to put in a good word for it. You might have to meet you. Absolutely. All right. Round around we go. Back to the bucket. There's only one person left. I know who this is. This young man was on the show just a couple weeks ago. and he is back. He is a cool dude. Amazing door guy here at the comedy store. Great comedian out of beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite people to kick it with this year, 2020, one of my favorite new friends of 2020. Ladies and gentlemen, Mitch Burrow is here. Mitch Burrow. Hey. Mitch Burrow. All right.

Mitch Burrow. There he is. Mitch Burrow. You know, I don't know. know it don't look like it, but I fuck sometimes. The last time I was fucking a chick, she had her dog in the room, and I was like, hey, you got to get this dog out of here. And she said, you need to quit being weird. And I was like, no, you and this dog need to quit being weird is what needs to happen, because I don't think this is, I'm not the weird one

for not wanting this. You have an audience, and I don't like it. And she was like, no, you got I was like, look, I know this is weird, and I know it's weird, because this isn't a category on Pornhub. That's how I know. It's weird. There's a lot of weird shit on there. People are fucking their step-sisters. They're fucking their step-moms, which, first of all, all those are very unrealistic.

Not a single one of them is named Tammy, so I know that's not a real step-mom, because that's what mine's name was. And I never wanted to fuck her, because she was mean. But that's not what's important. Here's the thing. There's fucking your step-sister. There's fucking your step-mom. You know what's not on there?

Fugging your step-sister while the family pet watches you. That's not on there. All right. Hey. Hey, can I just say something real quick? Absolutely, Mitch. Jenny, when you're playing Jenny, and you go, Forrest, what are you doing here?

Bitch, you invited him to tell him that he's got a son. Did you ever watch the fucking movie? It was a character choice, Midge. I'm glad you didn't die, by the way. I found out later that she didn't even, I heard a rumor that she didn't even have AIDS, that she had something else. It's hepatitis.

Is that true? Yeah, because this is the 70s. They didn't get AIDS in the 70s. Also, she wasn't a gay man. So, like, it wasn't, like, at that time, that's the only people. She was a heroin addict. Yeah, and they were just trying to scare everyone

with the AIDS thing. It didn't get over there at that point yet. This is still very early in the AIDS. It was hepatitis. it was hepatitis. Where I am from, we still haven't got an AIDS. Is that true? Yes, as far as I know.

Frogtown? It's just crazy, dog. Never a case of AIDS in Frogtown. You've been to Frogtown before Snorg? Once or twice. I would say that it is an American treasure. Frogtown, baby. Oh, yeah.

You go to Frogtown a lot? Oh, yeah, dude. I love fucking drugs and shit. That's right. When you're not in Hogtown, you go to Frogtown. Mexican skateboarders. That's what they got in Frogtown. I know one of them. Yeah. People in Frogtown are very proud to be from Frogtown. It's one of those places with a lot of pride. It's like the South. You know, they shouldn't be, but they are. Right. And people from Youngstown. Do you guys have a Confederate flag in Frogtown?

Do you snorg? You've been there but once or twice or three times. You seem very... I don't know if this is the right time to say, but... You seem mad about... I have AIDS. Hell yeah Actually it's just hepatitis Mitch is that true That you had sex with a girl

And her dog was in the room What kind of dog was like? What part of that don't you believe, Tony? I believe it I believe it Yeah But I also believe the kind of girls You have sex with

They probably only have one room I feel like this was probably a studio apartment And she's like what room would you like The dog to go into? It was a shared apartment She had a roommate And I was like Put it in the roommate's room

Or something It was a little, it was a little retarded dog. Oh. What kind of, what? Well, I mean, it was blind. I don't really know if that's retarded. It was blind? What does that word mean?

Oh, it's still forest over here. Just, you know, not, not right. Special. When you see that dog, you go, oh, bless its heart. You know, it's like one of them kind of dogs. Oh, that dog, that dog's special. You should bless its eyes, this blind, ugly fucking dumbass dog. I hate him.

He almost said that if the dog was blind, why get it out of the room? Yeah. Yeah, what are you afraid it's going to see? Because it sets of smell is way stronger. Mitch is afraid that blind dog's going to find his fucking little duty hole, huh? You know, you swoop at the right time. She and I were about to start a real big podcast together. Oh, she was going to go from forest gum to forest plump.

How long were you sitting on that? That name. That was pretty good. You really believe that life is like a box of chocolates. You want to eat it up. Everything that it has to offer. Except for the running part, you have nothing in common with Forrest on that. I ran today.

Yeah? Yeah, I got, I raced an 11-year-old. Really? And I won the first half, but he got me on the way back. Wow. Was he blind, too? No, no, he just wasn't fat. And it really worked in his favor.

Damn. An 11-year-old. How'd you race an 11-year-old? How does that even begin? Another door guy. Used to be a door guy here, Fung Chow. His son is visiting. Okay.

And I was hanging out with them at the beach today, completely unrelated to David Lucas. Wow. Everybody, all the door guys were at the beach today, they didn't even know it. I like to go on Tuesdays because the meteorological society is out there checking the tide. So I just run out there and I fuck it up for them. Wow. Yeah. When you hear that the meteor all...

is out there. You think that's a guy that specializes in meat. See, I tried to beat you to a fat joke and you just jumped on another end. No, he has tons and tons of them. Yeah.

Just like you do. It's like you. So, yeah, I challenged him to a race. That's great. It was just too far. And just like your alcohol problem, he caught up with you eventually. I don't have an alcohol problem.

What are you talking about? I love it, Mitch. That's great. You were hanging out with Fung Chow. He's a legend. He's been on the show numerous times. Good guy. Chinese warrior.

I did a weekend with him in La Jolla as everything closed down. Got to make fun of him. He taught me how to say, I miss you in Chinese. Oh, yeah? How is that? What is that? Uh-sit-ne. Oh, shit.

I think Brian just reversed the tape. That's real. I believe that. Will I sit knit? Damn. Oh, my goodness. Every time you do that, there is a gong. Oh.

You guys remember that movie, the one with that, what's a happening hot stuff? 16 candles. That does not hold up very well. I just watched it the other day. And there's a part where they're like, who's that creepy person at our house? We need to wash the sheets after he sleeps there. Long duck, dawn. Yeah, you're just talking about a Chinese guy.

Oh, shit. You know what's fucked? No, I lived in Japan for three years, can speak some Japanese and can do a great Japanese impression and not allowed to do it. It's very accurate, but I'm not allowed to do it. Why aren't you allowed to do it? Because you can't do Asian accents. Arigatu.

It's Arigato. Arigato. Arigato cosamos. But like, like, so the thing with like, the Japanese, they use a lot of sounds when they're talking, you know, they're very expressive. So like, so goi means great, right? Or Mukatsku. That means I'm angry.

But you wouldn't just say Mukatsku. You'd go, oh, chumakotska! And that would be like, I'm very angry. But then people would hear me do that, and they'd be like, why are you making fun of anime right now? That's why Japanese porn is the best, because they make all the extra moaning sounds when they're like, no. Even when I was over there fucking Japanese chicks couldn't watch the porn. Why? Because of the real Japanese.

These chicks don't act like you're murdering them during the process. They can't cancel anything anymore, guys. You could do this all dead. You can all jump in. None of you are getting us in. Your dreams are over. We were canceled two months ago. But like if you ever want to fuck a Japanese chick, you just go up to her and you say yaditae,

tie. And that means I want to fuck. Really? Yaddi. Yadita. Yadita. Yadita. Yadita.

Yadita. And if you want to sweeten it up a little bit, and not the Wakire. That means you're very beautiful. Yaditae. Perfect. Dude, if I was a Japanese shit, I'd be fucking you right now.

Wow. That's awesome. Oh, wait. Red Band, where are you going? Okay. This is what we call the climax of the episode. Mitch, anything else happening fun in your world this week? Jeep broke down on the way here.

Oh, shit. How'd that happen? What went wrong there? Just exceeded the weight capacity. Oh, you son of a bitch. Not going to let you do it. No, it's overheating or something. It's overeating?

That's crazy. I need a... It's overheating. Bye. Come on, come on. I mean, I can't. What are you talking? Come on.

Don't go. Too good. That was a Jeep. I'm overheating. So here's, so I need, I need like a thermostat or a water pump. A thermostat. I need a thermostat, preferably with gravy in it. There's got to be a part on the cheap that I can name that.

What was the other thing, a thermostat or a what? A water pump. A water pump? Or a fucking starter. I don't know. I just named parts of the engine. Starters, appetizers. I'll do it.

Joel Burke! Joe Burke! I love it. That was a good one. Yeah. You could fix your car. Did you think about using the defibrillators that you have on the back seat?

That's not how you jump it off. Clear. No, but I'm probably going to work on it tomorrow. It's not how you jump either. All right. People can subscribe to my YouTube channel to see me work on a Jeep. Okay.

What's your YouTube? channel. It's just Mitch Burrow. Okay. M-I-T-C-H-B-U-R-O-W. Yep, that's it. And on social media, you are... Everything, Mitch Burrow. Everything's all one word, Mitch Burrow.

TikTok, I'll give you a personalized horoscope reading, so, you know, follow me on there. I'm the redneck astrologist. Hell yeah, absolutely. Go on his TikTok. He has... That's a successful thing you have going on, the redneck astrologist. It's pretty good, yeah. It's doing all right.

Absolutely. All right, man. Well, fun times, Mitch. It's always a pleasure. I'm sorry. I'm just very distracted by Joel. I know. I feel like, were you just sitting on something?

What? Did you have another way to call me fat? I feel like there was another. Yeah, but let's just move on. You're an American treasure. Come on, snork. Do it. I want to hear it.

Honestly, I had nothing. What kind of Jeep do you have a Wrangler? Yeah, it's a 1998, T.J. Oh, okay. It's the last model that had the 4.06 leader. It's the best one. as long as it's running. Okay.

What is TJ stand for? The Jeep? Oh, that's it? I don't know. Croma said Trader Joe's. You had to see. You think I go to Trader Joe's? You have the jacket of the president of Trader Joe's.

I was really hoping you could make it the whole time without. Not only the president. I'm also a member. I mean, I was going to give you some real Jeep knowledge. Yeah. The first Jeep after the military was called a CJ, which stood for a civilian Jeep. Then you had a YJ. People didn't like it.

And then they moved to the TJ. And then they just keep adding letters. And now you love the PB&J, right? Oh, shit. Oh shit You ever put that Marshmallow? You know it's bad when you hear David Lucas

cackling at fat jokes in the corner You ever put that marshmallow puff On a peanut butter and jelly sandwich Like I know I know what this is doing right now I get it But that shit is delicious That sounds horrible It is not

Oh right man You ever ate a smore I just don't like marshmallow Mixing that with peanut butter and jelly Seems out of control It feels like I'm eating my stuff So. Wait, were you

Wait, was that directed at Red Man or me? Oh, okay. Yeah, that was great, dude. Good shit. All right. Fun times, Mitch Burrow. I had a great time. There he goes.

The great Mitch Burrow, everybody. There goes Mitch Burrow. That was Mitch Burrow. There goes Mitch Borough. Mitch Borough. Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow. Mitch Burrow, Mitch Burrow, Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, Burrow.

All right. We've come to that part of the night, ladies and gentlemen, this young man, a very controversial figure on the show. People either love him or hate him. He's been winning a lot of people over lately, and he's also lost some people lately. He is a polarizing figure, and with no further ado, I give to you the Big Red Machine,

William Lights Out Montgomery. Here we go. Here he is. What's up? They call me William Lights Out Montgomery. That's because I have hepatitis C. I think Victoria's secret was that its founder gave $1 billion to Jeffrey Epstein for no obvious reason.

I don't know if you all have ever seen Michelle Gjordaun play. He's that French basketball player. Wait, is this fucking pizza hut or dominoes? That's what I like to say when I call it Papa Johns. I only watch porn for the nostalgia. Man, really hard to repeat my set from last night. I killed it last night.

I feel like last night was probably my best set I've had. It sort of bothered me. All were shitting on me all night. I've had all day to really dwell on that and I think we need to talk about that. It really...

Yeah, make the fucking sound. There's a minute from William Lights out Montgomery. Make the fucking sound. William Montgomery. The fucking sound. William Montgomery.

What happened last... Oh, the elephant noise. Last week, William is what you're talking about. You keep saying last... Last night. You mean last week. Last week. Yep. What happened?

Probably it was my best set. Well, you were on a, you were on quadruple, kill Tony probation for the first time ever with the management, the cast, the crew, who you have been both physically and verbally. You didn't tell me it was the crew as well. Yeah, David Deary. What do you mean the crew? David Deary, I hate that fucking pussy. But why? Why do you hate him?

He's a nice guy. He helps us out. I tried to kiss him the other night. and he didn't reciprocate. I know. You're not supposed to do things like that during this global pandemic. I love that guy. You all seen David Deary recently?

Look at his fucking pussy ass. His actual problem. Look at how he's fucking sitting, just like a bitch. Oh, my God. You would sit like that, David Deary? You piece of shit. David is... Why didn't you kiss me last week?

No one wants to be near you. Dude, I'm sick. Okay, we get it. Everybody gets it. y'all are in for a treat the cameraman this is my showtime at the apollo just set to get one showtime at the apollo um really excited to be here uh thanks for having me uh your pizza domino's papa john's joke was great is that true do you do that sometimes it is i hate the new shack pizza i it's he claims it's an extra large it happens to be just a large.

Same amount of pepperonies, same amount of cheese. A dollar goes to some bullshit charity for black kids. I'm not buying it. But I am calling up Papa Johns asking, hey, what is this? Pizza Hut? Or Dominoes. Or Dominoes. Have you all had the cheese bread from Dominoes?

That is to die. for. Jeremiah, it looks like you have. What's up with your hair tonight, dude? My name's Spencer. Spencer, what's up? What's up with your hair?

I've just been growing it out. It's kind of... Love it. It looks pretty. Oh, thanks. Red Band, what's up with the hood over your head? What's going on? Because you fucked up last night on the AV?

Last week. Last week on the AV? I fucked up last? Why isn't it on you? That was my best shit. It is on YouTube now. Yeah. Is it?

Yeah, last week's episode is now on YouTube. Cool, perfect. Another fun fact about last week's episode is that afterwards on that Monday night, I, you know, my sleep schedules actually evolved a little bit. Hey, Michael, quit laughing like that. You know, I hate your girlfriend. William, over here. So my sleep schedules evolved a little bit during this pandemic, and I was actually, asleep by about just a touch before 1 a.m. last Monday.

And I called you. And you didn't answer. And yeah, that is true. My phone, I forgot to turn the ringer off. Very rarely do I forget to be the ringer, by the way. It's the song Money from Pink Floyd. I love that. I thought that was Joe Walsh.

It's Pink Floyd. Oh, Jesus. Okay. I thought that was a Joe Walsh song. Anyway, why were you calling me last week at 157A? am by the way i i wanted to tell you this has been such a nice ride but after y'all berated yeah thanks red man that really adds to it keep going i just wanted if i could have gotten you on the phone i would have said tony this has been so sweet so nice but after tonight

I've had enough to some extent. Yeah, that's perfect. That's exactly why I ignored the call. Look at you now. You're back like just a little bitch. And my eyes are yellow. You do have some Michael Jordan-esque guys. Have you seen a doctor about this?

Jeremiah told me to say that one. Jeremiah, that went well. Thank you. My name is Spencer. Spencer, that was, you told me you were like, hey, tell everybody your eyes are yellow. These guys all work at movie theaters, William. You ever do anything weird when you go to movie theaters?

You ever sneak any food in there yourself? I have made out with a black chicken one. Oh, yeah? What movie did you do that out? Anaconda. Whoa. All right. You know, I actually talked to him last week after the show about 2 a.m.

Oh, really? He called you? No, I was playing virtual reality, and somehow he entered my... Yeah, if you all haven't watched Red Band's Virtual Reality, start watching it. It's to die for. It is, it's a wonderful thing to watch. Red Band, what are you doing on there, dude?

Virtual reality? What do you talk about on that thing? Get off of it. Get off of it. People are tired of it. I, for one, am tired of it. Get off of VR. Are you fucking with me?

That is the weirdest mask. I know, it's like a hole. It really moves. When you move your mouth, it moves. It moves too. Yeah, thanks. It cost a hundred bucks. Where'd you buy it from?

Kmart. Why? What do you mean? There's one left. I support small businesses. Why have you been so angry lately? The last couple months, like your whole set,

your whole, everything has been just, you're really gonna call me out on that? I told you what happened. Yeah? Yeah. What happened? My dog died two weeks ago.

How did it die? His name was Scooby-Doo. I accidentally fed him poison. What kind of poison did you feed them? I injected a T-bone steak with a bunch of Clorox bleach. Why did you do that? I was just, I was looking up YouTube videos, and I did it, and I left it on the floor. What kind of YouTube video suggested that you put Clorox bleach into a T-bone and feed it to your dog?

What was the video? It was a video. Spencer, get my back on it. You want Spencer to get your back? Get my back on this one. Spencer? Do you know William? Yeah, he sometimes goes in my blockbuster.

Oh. I love it in your blockbuster. Yeah. Do you remember when we kissed two weeks ago in there? Do you remember that, Spencer? I mean, off the security camera and off the record, yeah. Off the record. Yeah.

If you guys kiss, that's fucked up because Spencer's 15. Whoa, William, another fucking comedian. That is the main song of the Anaconda. You did that one well. Red Van got tired of all the bike jokes, so he pulled up a song. Good job, Red Band. Do I have your attention? Okay, all right, everybody.

Everybody relax. William. Mr. Big soundboard, man. Spencer. Chill out. Okay. Guys, settle down over here. Yeah, stop.

We crew. Go from Mrs. to Miss. All right. You go to Mrs. for Ms. She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly. Keep going, William. Of the dozen I'm in nowhere. She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly.

Do do do do do Do. Hell of a song Day after Christmas. American Yeah, that's a sad deal. It's about an abortion. Is it?

Yeah, it is. Really? Yeah, it's a sad deal. So are you going to get a... I mean, how is your test... Am I going to get a tattoo? Yes, I am. How was your test that you took last Wednesday?

How did that go? I have strep throat. Oh, that's good. It's a good time to have strep throat, actually. Much better to have strep throat than knee. Luckily, I don't have adenoids anymore. How's the spot on your belly? Can we get an update on that?

Can we see what's going on there? Let's see. It's being blocked by a shadow right now. Can you... Where is it? It's gone. It's a Christmas miracle. It looks like his belly buns waxing and waning right now.

What, is that a moon joke? Yeah. I just learned about it. Is that a fucking moon job? Yeah, it is, William. What's wrong with my belly body? It's a giant as a moon. That's a giant as a moon.

That's funny. It does sort of look like, can you lift up your shirt one more time? David, can you get in there again? That does look like the part of the Death Star where like ships fly into. It looks like the Darth Vader flies his ship into that. Huh, hon, hon, hon, hon, hon. Hey, y'all, what are we doing it? Why are we flying into this?

Oh, man. Also it looks like the the garbage dumpster where that snake creature is. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. The compartment where it's crushing. Swamp thing.

I believe that is the planet. Tatooine. I love some Star Wars. Where Boba Fett falls into that little hole with the teeth. Really? Not really. Not really. It's the Sarlack Pit.

Yeah. Sarlac Pit. That's it. You have the Sarlac Pit where your belly button should be. Is there anything in your belly button right now? Huh? Is there anything in your belly button right now? What do you think's in there?

It's probably some cotton. Cotton? What is that a black reference? Whoa. Come on, bitch. You just made it one. Why don't we see? Maybe.

Oh, God. That's weird, William. Oh, shit. Represent. Oh, shit. What's up, y'all? You do that when you're out on the streets? Yeah, I do it at the swimming pools.

What's swimming pool? YMCA. Oh my God. Do you at least make sure there's no children around when you do it? Yeah, sometimes. I'm usually swimming laps

and that's why he's there. Really? Uh-huh. God. Okay, sometimes it's fun when, sometimes it's good when an episode just sort of like cruises down,

you know, nice and slow, and we get to like, you know, really appreciate all the comedy that happened earlier on in this show,

you know what I mean? Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the longest tenured regulars in the history of the show. The great William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. There he goes. This was another episode of the show.

We did it again. Fun stuff happening. All around the world. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt. Let's see what happened here tonight with the movie theater crew. That sometimes works at a blockbuster. There we go. Get on up in there, Ron.

Oh, look at that. Oh, it's another movie theater-type homage thing. Am I right? Yep, there's the concession stand. I see me. I see William with horns. We have the great fire breathing. That is a...

Is that snorg? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's David Lucas. Yep, that makes sense. Cool cat. Everybody, Michael Lair, on a tank. I love it. What a crew.

Norg and Jen down below. Spencer up top, slinging concessions, chroma, eating the nacho cheese out of the dispenser. Go to Ryanjeebelt.com. Grab a print. He also has a lot of auctions. I just saw a really cool auction of you as the Joker. Yeah.

He has going on right now or he did. Everything's at Ryan J.Ebelt.com. Go eat Avido's pizza. Get your coffee from caveman coffee co.com. Get your underwear over its sheath. Hire someone at ZipRecruiter. A bunch of fun things you can. do to show support for the show.

Your lozenges for nicotine over at lucy.com. It's so good. So good. So good. I like the cinnamon. Red band likes the winter green and a bunch of other fun stuff happening. I have a roastmaster class on my Patreon, everything roasting that you might want to know. Actual tons of content, man, interviewing Jesse Joyce this week, just interviewed

Sarah Tiana, Benji, Aflolo, David Lucas, Donnell Rawlings, Jeff Ross. Fun times. We just talk about making fun of people, so that's exciting. Red Band? Yeah, check out my virtual Red Band. And also, Brian Holtsman, Dead Air, and, of course, Brothers Incursive, which are we doing one last week? Okay. So check that out.

Oh, yeah, I have a whole new merch store as well attached to my website, Tonyhencliff.com. brand new shirts drawn up by the McVader. Those are mostly Roastmaster Class Base. There's also a cute little Hinchcliff Red Band 2020 shirt there. I like it. Jeremiah Watkins has a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders. I'm sure of that. Tell me about it.

It has Dr. Phil and the Starbucks assistant manager Aubrey on that episode. I thought that was last week's episode. It was this week's. Shanks and Dr. Phil was last week. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. What else, Jeremiah? Anything else?

At Jeremiah dash Watkins on Minmo. Thanks for the support, guys. And if you're in the Tempe, Arizona area at the end of the month, I'll be doing some shows there the last weekend of the month on Thursday and Friday. There you go. Tempe, Arizona. Yeah, and if you're on YouTube right now, head over to YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins and hit that subscribe button.

There you go. Also hit subscribe for this show if you haven't yet. Jen is actually Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, and quadruple J's tonight. You are Jetsky Johnson on all platforms. What else, Jetsky? That's it, at Jetsky Johnson. Thanks, guys.

Chroma Chris. It's Chroma Chris. I miss anything tonight, Croma? No, no. Just check me out the Baby Boys on Spotify. That's right. The Baby Boys on Spotify. T-H-E-B-A-B-Y-B-O-Y-S.

And then, of course, the great Joel Berg-J-Hemenez was here. Believe it or not, that was. to work the entire time. I know it's shocking. But go ahead, Joel Berg. You have a new episode of Mostly Sorry, which is also your name on all social media platforms. Yeah, me and David Deary. We are

American Treasurers. That's right. I absolutely love it. Are we missing anything? That's pretty much it. Thanks a lot, guys. Good night, everybody. Oh, thank you to everybody out on the patio that came tonight to the Comedy Store. We are streaming this show out there.

Do we thank Charlie from Vitos for the Zidi. We'll be back next Monday with another episode of Kill Tony. Live.