KILL TONY - KILL TONY #466 – QUARANTINED #21

Episode Date: August 6, 2020

Donnell Rawlings, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/20/2020 Learn ...more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.
Starting point is 00:00:25 That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house. artist, he draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to Ryan J.ebelt.com and pick up some cool kiltony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad.tv. There you got some Desquod hats, shirts, and he also got some Killtony shirts left. That's at shop squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Starting point is 00:00:54 Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from the road famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Here's Tony Hinscliffe. Hey, here we are. Another beautiful day. Live at the Comedy Store special treats planned ahead, and it is happening. We're lucky to be able to do what we love. We do what we love for a living. And if you're an employer, you probably experience hiring challenges from time to time, but right now you face even more challenges, from rethinking your workplace safety to hiring employees for specialized roles. Matson resources could relate. They needed to hire a season senior Citrix administrator to provide IT support. Not an easy job to fill. So they turned to ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology finds people
Starting point is 00:01:49 with the right skills and experience for your job. In fact, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. That's how Matson Resources found Peter Alcantar Jr. Peter was laid off during COVID-19 and needed to find another IT job quickly to continue paying his mortgage and bills. He posted his resume on ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter identified him as a great match for the role at Madison Resources, and they interviewed and hired Peter in less than three weeks. ZipRecruiter helped Peter find the right job, and they helped Madison find the right person for a hard-to-fill role fast. And you can see how ZipRecruiter can help you hire. Try it now for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. ZipRecruiter, the
Starting point is 00:02:35 smartest way to hire. And you fans of this show, you know if you're having a rough time getting through lockdowns and social distancing, well then I want to tell you about some products from Infinite CBD. You remember Infinite CBD? Infinite CBD has the cleanest, purest CBD available. If you've never heard of CBD, it's derived from hemp plants and packs all the benefits of marijuana without getting high. And Infinite CBD has a ton of different products that we've used, and they're great. I love CBD. I rub it all over myself. I rub it on you too sometimes. Here's the infinite CBD products I think can help get you through this. They have CBD AM plus. If you have difficulty concentrating while working from home, this has CBD plus caffeine for some mental clarity.
Starting point is 00:03:22 CBD gummies, which is my favorite with new flavors like sour and full spectrum. I'm in the spectrum. Gummies. If you think you're losing it, these can help you relax. And of course, CBD loop. Why not add CBD to your self-love making? You know it feels good and you've got time to kill. Treat yourself. If you haven't tried CBD, look it up. There's a lot of research and users
Starting point is 00:03:44 are reporting benefits like reduce anxiety, reduce inflammation, and more. So go to InfinitecbD.com to see which of their products fits your needs. That's Infinite CBD.com. And if you use the promo code Kill Tony, you will get 20% off. Once more, that's InfiniteCBD.com.
Starting point is 00:04:01 And promo code Kill Tony for 20 percent all. Exciting stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan J.E. Belt is here. Every print, every show is available at Ryan J.E.Belt.com. We had delicious Vito's Pizza
Starting point is 00:04:14 from the great Charlie right before the show. Check out Vito's Pizza. If you live anywhere near Southern California, it's the best pizza you can get around here. Ladies and gentlemen, it has been absolute months since we've had a guest on this show. And there is
Starting point is 00:04:30 no one I would rather have. can say with no ego, that what a lot of people, including myself, are saying the guest of the year of 2020, perhaps the greatest guest we've ever had in the history of the show, one of the funniest comedians on the planet. Ladies and gentlemen, it is a special treat. The return of Donnell Rawlings, everybody. Holy shit. We got guests. We are. We are. back with a guest. No, I don't care if we're back. Are we tested up in this bitch?
Starting point is 00:05:06 That's my question. Oh, yes. We are? Antibodies or the nose? Everything. Okay, just want to make sure. Temperature checks. Because I heard that they have the mandate that
Starting point is 00:05:16 David Lucas has to be six pounds away from any burger kit. It's already begun. No, I'm just saying, sir, you know, it's not six feet. It's six feet hot dogs. He has to be six feet away from any hot dogs stand. I know last time I was here, everybody was like this. You didn't play by the fucking rules. There's no rules of this shit.
Starting point is 00:05:38 And I didn't even mean to be on this show. I was driving past because I wanted to have a drink. Then I saw your fucking Corvette. Then I saw your fucking test. I was like, feels like it's some money up in that place. It's a lot of money here. And you know it shows a lot of money when you have to, you have eight sponsors before you even introduced the guests
Starting point is 00:05:55 that wasn't even supposed to fucking be there. And Donnell has an amazing podcast, the Donnell Rawling Show. I absolutely love it. one of the very, very, very few podcasts that I actually listen to. That's such an arrogant statement to me. Well, no, I'm just saying. You're supposed to support all...
Starting point is 00:06:11 No, you're right. Some of them are fucking garbage. Yeah, I mean, I can't listen. But my shit is the shit. Yeah, you're the best. Not in the cocky way. You know, you guys are veterans of this shit. I've been doing it for like seven months. We're up to like 40,000 subscribers. There's some dope shit.
Starting point is 00:06:23 We've done with like 31 episodes. And this is the achievement as a podcast person. You can do this shit all you want. But once you have that, And I've had the opportunity to do what you deal. I was like, you know how proud I felt, Tony, when I said, and this episode is sponsored by it. I'm like, yes, nigga, we're making some money.
Starting point is 00:06:40 That's right. David Lucas has a podcast too, right? It's sponsored by Pinks, Burger King. We lost Weight Watchers. He's the only one that don't watch his weight. Look, he'll be writing jokes now, nigga. He is. Nah, niggas off the top, son.
Starting point is 00:06:59 David Deary does works with your podcast for you? You know what his nickname is on our podcast? What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the reason I get his name, because anything that I'm thinking about, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I had a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:15 But at the end of it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. But I will say the birth of my podcast, it was because of him. And you know, you've been doing this long enough that you know that sometimes you think a certain way, people think different, but the best thing to have on your team is somebody that's committed, that's loyal, and it's going to always be there despite any type of personality
Starting point is 00:07:35 discrepancies you have or whatever and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a.k.a. David Deary has been that person. He's at M.F. David Deary on all things, social media. And you know I'm not really paying him a lot of money because he hasn't quit this podcast yet. That's right. That's right. He can't wait, too.
Starting point is 00:07:51 Only person to ask for a raise during the pandemic. A little fun fact. But I will say this about, I will, I will. I asked for a race. He really did. Now it's not really the best time. It's not really best time to ask for a race. Only thing you can ask for the pandemic is a blowjob,
Starting point is 00:08:16 but I don't want him to do that to me. You know what I'm saying? But you know what? It's a good time to come together. And I will say this. When this pandemic shit first kicked off, because you know you got one of the dopest live podcasts in the business.
Starting point is 00:08:29 And I was like, what the fuck is Tony going to do? And this is what we had to learn through this shit how to pivot. And everywhere, I know you was like this, you built this motherfucker too much to say, fuck it. And you tried everything, you tried to switch your location. He was like, fuck that, we out of here.
Starting point is 00:08:46 Yeah, we became a- I felt sorry for the store, but that nigga's like this. Nicky got a dude, not a nigga, but you know, white-nigger cracker, got a dude. You know what I'm saying? Is Cracker bad word? I like it. Is it a cracker or cracker?
Starting point is 00:08:57 I prefer being called the N-word. The N-word? My n-nigger, this is my nigga right here. My crack a nigga right here. But this is what I respect about you and what you guys do is that when everybody was fucking throwing a towel in when everybody was like what are we going to do you you guys kept thinking on what the fuck we're going to do what the fuck we're going to do and that's what you call
Starting point is 00:09:15 a pivot in this game yeah you know and as much as it i put like this pandemic will test a motherfucker you got some pussy motherfuckers just going to throw the towel on i'm just going to wait until the until the government says it's okay to so you motherfuckers like this fuck that we've been a part of this too long to let it go. And every fucking week is something different. We got to let kill, it's so ironic, kill Tony. We got to live Tony. You know, and I'm really, like,
Starting point is 00:09:45 you guys give me inspiration and motivation. It's like when a lot of people complain about shit, y'all's like, fuck that. Because I believe this, in this world, it's two excuses. A good excuse and a bad excuse. At the end of the day, it's an excuse. We have an excuse somebody, you have a show on Friday and one of your relatives, somebody passed away on Monday.
Starting point is 00:10:05 You have a great excuse not to go to that show. It's a little excuse. Or you can man up and do the show. We didn't miss a single episode. And I'm telling you, I didn't I've been in Yellow Springs, Ohio working with Dave Chappelle for the whole summer. I came back to California
Starting point is 00:10:20 just to pick my son up to take him back to Yellow Springs so he can get his nature on and feel kayak. I'm doing all white boy shit. Canoeing in Yellow Springs. Nigger canoeing. That's the best. I didn't even know I was a canoe niggas, son. I met a canoe nigger on the, it was a white dude,
Starting point is 00:10:37 but I met a canoe motherfucker, and I'll say like this, I had this, you know, when you rent canoes, it's like that beat-up shit. This white dude pulled up in like a Tesla. His canoe was equivalent to your car. It was quiet, it was stealth, and it was everything. And I didn't fall in love with him, but I'm falling in love with nature.
Starting point is 00:10:56 Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? White people, you've been keeping nature a secret from us. Yes, we have. We don't want your kind out there. Y'all don't want niggers on the river, son. Y'all don't want river niggas. Wait until you find out how beautiful the desert is in the forest.
Starting point is 00:11:13 You have no idea. Mountains, dude? Yo, let me tell you something. Golf courses? The ocean. I've been in Yellow Springs, getting my motherfucking nature in what really is important life so much. They're like, we live here. For the most part, all of us up here are country motherfuckers.
Starting point is 00:11:29 Yeah. We're forced to be city Hollywood motherfuckers because of what we do for a living. Pandemic hits and it makes you say oh I got to go back to the real shit and what you start appreciating is like life is really easy. It's so simple, bro. Nature. Nature
Starting point is 00:11:45 that has absolutely been that has been the breakthrough of the past couple months. The first month of this thing I was literally like what the fuck and then the last But you don't look like a nature nigga though sir. You look Hollywood. I got a little your beard coming but you still look
Starting point is 00:12:00 Hollywood. I'd surprise you. I throw this shirt off. I'm a kayaker, son. I'm almost as tan as you. I kayak! There's a lot of gay sex in parks. Really? Yeah. I know. The mother naughty by nature motherfuckers. Out there in the rivers having gorges. Well, Donnell, good news
Starting point is 00:12:16 for you. There is, maybe you forgot, but there's a band on this show. Every single episode. No, the last time I saw this band, they were all trapped in the shower stall because they didn't want to blow their cover. Oh, that's right. Yeah, they was like this. And all I could see, this is so funny. All I could see, was like pale white pink
Starting point is 00:12:32 faces. Yeah. On the shower curtain like this. You're like this, don't go back there. This is after you gave me my rules. Yeah. They were like this. They're very serious about it. I went back there to tell them we're starting five minutes early and they're like, stop coming back. They thought I was going to walk all the way into the back. They were amazing and
Starting point is 00:12:48 they're a great part. You guys are doing, I'm telling you, man, you're doing a fucking great job. And I'm so happy that throughout this you guys didn't stop. You continue to figure out a way to give people what is one of the best fucking live podcast in the business. Well, we're going to have fun tonight. Let's find out what characters
Starting point is 00:13:04 the band is tonight. Ladies and gentlemen. I know, I know, did I break a rule? That's sort of. Because you told me the only rule is when they're doing their shit, shut the fuck up. Right. And I was sort of, I was sort of just introducing the band. I shut the fuck up, Tony. And I broke more rules. My question is, is this sharp?
Starting point is 00:13:22 Yes, it is. How much David Lucas fat can you slice? Well, I think we're going to find out later this evening. But right now we're going to bring up the band Ladies and gentlemen, it's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Let's see what they are tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.
Starting point is 00:13:39 Uh-oh. I know that sound. Oh, yes. No doubt about it. It is the billionaires. Many a great appearances here in Los Angeles on the road. The billionaires are, without a doubt. Can I get some of that money?
Starting point is 00:13:58 Famous guests in the history of the show. This is very exciting. Let me get some. This is the first appearance of our first female billionaire. Thank you. Tony, can I do it? I know this is so hacky. Can I just do it?
Starting point is 00:14:10 Fun fact, Jeff Bezos's wife is the rich ex-wife is now the richest woman in the world with a grand total of $36 billion. And then he went, paid her off, right? You know about this? Yes, and then he just got, yeah, and then he just got made like $80 more billion. He's like tripled as well. He's fucking black dudes now. That's where every.
Starting point is 00:14:30 rich bitch. She went from Amazon to the Amazon. Every rich white chick when they have a divorce, they break up. I know this is wrong. There's not a kid's program to get black cock out of that. Steve Jobs' wife is fucking the ex-mare of Fenty.
Starting point is 00:14:47 They do that. I don't know it's like a certain age. It's like, black cock is what I need that. Oh, hell yeah. You got a billion dollars in the bank. It's time to take it. Can I be hacky right now? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:57 Henry's bitch! Yeah. All right. Sorry. This is so great. I can't believe we have a guest. And I can't believe it's... If your car wouldn't park there, you wouldn't have a guest.
Starting point is 00:15:06 I love it. Thank goodness. Your ass was in the street. Your car ass was in the street. That's it. Thank goodness, but we didn't let Jeremiah to take our parking store. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:15:14 I'm just kidding. He's a billionaire. Welcome back, billionaire, Jeremiah. What's your name again? Reginald Fontaine the 3rd. Reginald Fonthe. Now, Tony, you told me before the show started, that you'd be calling us out early.
Starting point is 00:15:27 And then I said, who's the guest? And you said, Donnell Rawlings. and I said, duly noted, we will not be being called out early tonight. What happened, bro? You talk a lot. I'm in the beautiful. Aren't you dead, my... Oh, you're not dead.
Starting point is 00:15:44 You're just separated. I do talk a lot. And I chose the profession to talk a lot. That is true. And you're fucked up because you gave a lot of motherfuckers the last time a prong-p-push. They didn't deserve it. Exactly. Well, this is our first female billionaire.
Starting point is 00:16:01 in the history of the show. What's your name? I'm Victoria Fontaine, also the third. Wow. Are you Reginald's wife? Correct. Unfortunately. Oh, my goodness. Although maybe I'll get divorced. Hey. Hey.
Starting point is 00:16:17 And you know what that means? Black cock for everybody. That's right. Black cock matters, apparently. And then how about you, young man? The name is Roger McWaters. Roger McWaters. And how about the guy on the drums? Timothy Bergington.
Starting point is 00:16:34 Timothy Bergington. Now remind me, Timothy, how did you make all your money? You're a billionaire. Honestly, I can't talk about it. Okay. Timothy Burlington, coming in hot. You need a new laugh, bro. Horsack.
Starting point is 00:16:55 Ladies and gentlemen, you heard that laugh, and that is right. That is, without a doubt, the man who will be kicking off tonight's show. he will also be at the end of the show because we have a special monologue battle but kicking off tonight's show ladies and gentlemen it is the one the only
Starting point is 00:17:13 the great Michael Lair everybody here we go oh he's shitted on me the last time hey in a blast from the past driving movie theaters are back and so are the bebobin
Starting point is 00:17:33 suck hopping sounds of car rape. Now, a bunch of LA City Council members got put in jail for taking money from downtown Skid Road developers. In their defense, they said we left it smeared and shit and bubonic plague, so the jokes on them, right? So when I could walk, I used to fuck all the time, and I never had an SDG, more than the doctor being like, I don't know, we'll just shoot it off with a laser.
Starting point is 00:18:22 Thank you. All right, Michael Lair. Damn, the band sounds good tonight. Hi, Michael. Hey Tony. What did they shoot off with a laser? I must have missed a part there. Oh, when they're like unsure if you're going to SDD and they're like,
Starting point is 00:18:46 I don't know, what's that a bum? I don't know. Let's shoot it off with a laser. Oh, that's scary. Have you ever had anything shot off with a laser? No. What was that look you just gave the camera? I didn't give him any look to their camera.
Starting point is 00:19:02 Zoom in on his face, and I'm going to ask him again. Let's see if it happens again. Have you ever had anything shot off with a laser? What do you mean? Shot off with a laser. Have you ever had an STD shot off with a laser? No. Oh, hey, what is that look?
Starting point is 00:19:20 I can see on the screen, you keep looking at the camera. That's my disease. You're being in the sense. Hold on. Let me ask you one more question. Have you ever had an STD of any kind? What is it? Wait a second, what is that?
Starting point is 00:19:38 No one. You mean it's sensitive to the disabled. Yeah. You used to do a lot of fucking back in Chicago. Oh, I still do. I just got to lay on my back. Oh, I see.
Starting point is 00:19:55 You're on bottom. And one person. But in Chicago, I fucked everybody. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It was good. You know, it's a good town. Later tonight, he's going to be taking place
Starting point is 00:20:07 and we're having a monologue battle tonight from the movie Rambo First Blood between that Rambo over there and Mr. Reginald Fontaine the third is going to switch into Rambo character. Yeah, Jerry, you ready? You a fan of the Rambo movies at all Donnell? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:20:25 Oh, cool. Hey, Jerry. Rambo. Oh, that's the BET version. Tyler Perry's. For the same people to watch you, Medea. going home. It's Rambro. Rambrough. Tyler Perry
Starting point is 00:20:39 plays all the characters. Can I still have beef on this episode? Because a lot of these motherfuckers, you fucking came from you last time. Yeah, but I'm dying, so give me a break. That is true. That's a good point. Wrap it up. That is true. Michael, how's everything going this week? Real good. I'm in a video coming for Easter Seals for disabled filmmakers.
Starting point is 00:21:08 How's it going? You win it? I had probably 20 friends with check marks share my video and I'm getting destroyed by every person with a disability who makes films. Oh my goodness. Yeah, it's embarrassing. You thought I was, rude. I mean, these
Starting point is 00:21:35 disabled fun makers are smoking me. I've been in the game for 20 years. I've only been disabled for 24 months. Yeah. Fuck that.
Starting point is 00:21:49 Well, maybe... Do you have any idea why? Like, is there a reason? Like, are they all Twitch gamers? I have a theory on it. They definitely Twitch a lot. That's for sure. I don't know if they are on the app, but they are twitchers. I twid. Maybe it's because they have been handicapped for so much longer that they've gotten good at being handicapped.
Starting point is 00:22:08 Whereas with you, it's a new thing, and you're used to just being a great filmmaker without the handicap. Exactly. It's like when I get them in the morning, I soon up, I go to walk, I fall on the ground because I can't walk. But you pick yourself up and that's all the matters. No, the MT comes. Oh. I'm my nurse that I's girlfriend, briggs out.
Starting point is 00:22:32 I get 10 stables in my head, and then I call you and you say, well, if you missed a show, you won't be a regular anymore. No, I've never said that. If you're disabled director, how many times do you say back to one? Okay, next.
Starting point is 00:22:52 Hey, hey, jokes on you, I'm never working in Hollywood again. I left Hollywood for the Ohio, bro. I know. I meant back to one is the Hollywood term. I'm playing along. You're a hero of mine. I want to improv for you.
Starting point is 00:23:11 Okay, back to one. Well, you know, Michael, you might be losing the video competition, but the good news is, is at least you've never had an STD. Yeah. That means you don't fuck. I can see the screen and something. Now, you know I'd be.
Starting point is 00:23:30 be fucking, you can look at your phone all you want during my shit. No, I'm not looking at my phone. He's voting for your Easter Seals video. He just put in one of the big ones. No, real talk. I like you. You're a funny motherfucker. Thank you, bro.
Starting point is 00:23:45 And I mean, you're a legend in respect, no doubt, man. That's a nice way to white people call black people old. You're a legend. Goat means you're old. Yeah. That's not true. That is what all the legend is. more items if he want them.
Starting point is 00:24:02 You have what? More. More adjectives describe me? No. Okay. Michael, we're going to keep it flying through. We have a big Rambo monologue to go through later. So we're going to fly through it.
Starting point is 00:24:18 There goes Michael Lair, everybody. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Word. Ah, and to the bucket we go for the first time this evening. And the rules again, I can't talk when I do a thing, right? Only for the 60 seconds, but during the interview part, you can say whatever you want.
Starting point is 00:24:41 All right. Okay. I just spotted a text message I should not have seen on Donnell's phone, and it was quite appetizing. Yeah. What's going on over there? No, don't say. All right, I pulled the name out of the bucket. This is very exciting.
Starting point is 00:24:58 This is, I believe this man's first. time on the show. He's one of the unbelievably talented door guys at the comedy store falling in a long line of legends and history making doormen at the store. Everybody absolutely loves him. He has
Starting point is 00:25:14 an awesome style, a really great stand-up comedian. Let's see what kind of minute he does here tonight when I bring up for the first time. Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Wade, everybody. Here he is. Here's Dave. Hey, what's up? shit.
Starting point is 00:25:34 There he is Dave, wait. All right. Man, it's weird to be raw dog in the air like this. I'll be honest with you guys. Feels a little too good. Might come right away. I was in a 7-Eleven the other day. Somebody sneezed.
Starting point is 00:25:49 I almost burned that fucking place down. I was like, this place is over, bro. Fuck that. I do smile a lot, if you haven't noticed. I smile a lot for a depressed person because nobody wants to hang out with a sad bitch. you're not allowed to be sad in LA that's against the rules right you better take your Mopee
Starting point is 00:26:07 to Seattle or New York City or some shit LA you gotta pretend like everything's working out you're like hey I'm just waiting to hear back on that thing and then yeah help me boy admit it seems a lot longer when you haven't done stand up in so long right? Holy crap
Starting point is 00:26:23 meow noise that's not coming man yeah that's enough for me. Were you going to give me? How much time? A minute,
Starting point is 00:26:39 Nicky, keep talking. Wow. Dave, wait. Stretching it out to get through 60 seconds there. I love it. How are you, Dave? Oh, man, I'm all right.
Starting point is 00:26:53 Man, I've been playing a lot of Frisbee. That's what I've been doing with my time. Regular, just catch Frisbee or Frisbee golf? I went Frisbee golf once, and then I've just been going frisbee. You just Frisbee with us? Other people, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:06 Yeah, it's a hard thing to do by yourself. Yeah. My roommate was like, hey, are you good at Frisbee? That's what he asked me one day. And I was like, I mean, what sort of question is that? I mean, that's a fucked up question. I mean, are you good at friendship? That should be the question.
Starting point is 00:27:21 Because you need a friend to Frisbee. That is true. Yeah. You know what? You could have added that on to the 45 seconds that you did. I should have done that. You would have had a complete set. I would have had a complete set.
Starting point is 00:27:34 That's great. So is Frisbee new to you? No, but being outside is new, like Donnell was saying. Do black guys play Frisbee? We don't do it. Only time black guys play Frisbee if they're trying to fuck white chicks. We'll do any sport. That's what we would do.
Starting point is 00:27:51 Well, we don't Hulu Hoop. That's the fucking gay. That's the gateway drug to being gay. If your son wins a Hulu Hoop Championship, son, he's suck a dick on Hollywood Boulevard. Sorry, not there's anything wrong with that. Is this a real live show or what? This is it. I'm just saying, if your son wins a frisbee competition,
Starting point is 00:28:10 the chance of him being gay are like 99.8%. Wow. I never considered frisbee gay. Now, hula hoop, obviously. Hulu hoops very gay. The hip motions that it takes to keep a hula hoop up and all your pants are falling out. And no, not just the hip, you can't just hula hoop. When you hula hoop, you got to have a smile on your face.
Starting point is 00:28:29 Yeah. You got to be like, yeah. That's when it becomes gay. You'll never see a thug, motherfucker, hula hooping like this. Gotta get that face, West Hollywood face. You ever hulu hoop, Dave? No. No.
Starting point is 00:28:48 Especially not after that. Right, exactly. I don't think any of us are going to get caught dead hulu hooping again. Don't want any dildos or booty holes falling out of my butt. So, Dave, what else has been going on? How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? Oh, probably too long to be on this show. Probably not with 45 seconds.
Starting point is 00:29:06 Yeah, that's a good point. You can't really say that. Can I have my critique? Yeah. Okay. So everybody knows I've been in Yellow Spring doing shows with Dave Chappelle. One of the most challenging things for someone
Starting point is 00:29:18 to have not told jokes for three or four months to go on stage for the first time. You lose your muscle memory. You ask yourself, when I perform, I was like, oh, fuck, what are my jokes? What are my jokes? And you want to be relevant. One of the thing, I know you only have 45 seconds,
Starting point is 00:29:31 but the thing that I appreciated about your performance was that you talked about what's really going on right now. To come out on stage and say your raw dog in life, whatever, that means that's a comedian that says, I have to address the elephant in the room. This is not a normal situation.
Starting point is 00:29:49 And that can block you from getting to your material, but I really feel like, and this is crazy, with more stage time, that you'll grow. I don't know if this makes sense. It makes complete sense. The 7-Eleven, sneeze, burn it down. You're talking about
Starting point is 00:30:06 The real stuff. You're not falling back on. Because you have to talk about it. You can't. Like for somebody in this climate and the way the world is right now, for somebody to come up right now and just do jokes don't have nothing to
Starting point is 00:30:19 what's really going on. You were like, you're ignoring it. You addressed it. And you got to that point, but then once you got us warmed up to that shit, it was like, I got my corona shit, I got my raw dog shit, but what's next?
Starting point is 00:30:29 That's the only thing I say. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that you was comfortable with talking about what was going on right now, and it felt like you took chance a lot of chances in 45 seconds. That's true. I appreciate that.
Starting point is 00:30:41 So how long you been on standout? It'll be 16 years. Oh, Whoa. Quit, oh, you should quit. I thought it was last week, then we quit.
Starting point is 00:30:50 Were you canceled in the 90s or something? Damn. 16 years. Where'd you do it all at? A lot of it in Cincinnati. And then I was in New York for a couple years and I've been out of here. You must be a fucking legend in Cincinnati.
Starting point is 00:31:06 Yeah. Yeah. At go bananas? Yeah, go bananas. Okay, that's awesome. How long were you in New York for? Two years. Okay.
Starting point is 00:31:13 And I got out here in 2013. Okay. But then I didn't, I never came up here until like I started working here. Why is that? You were out in the alt scene, a little farther east for a bit? I was in the alt scene, but I was also like doing the road, you know, like, you know, be in C rooms. And then, you know, it just like, I saw what it would take to have to get in here, like the
Starting point is 00:31:34 time commitment. And I was like, I might as well just get. paid to be here. Yeah, I tell a really quick Cincinnati story. Yeah. So I was in Ohio, right? And I don't know if you guys remember, but in Bethel, you know Bethel? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:46 So they were doing Black Lives Matters protest, right? And there was this white dude that was the head of the black. It was the only one white dude protest for Black Lives Matter. And then Beth was a really, really racist town. You know that. So they was fucking talking shit to this dude, this white dude. And somebody punched him in the face. And the police
Starting point is 00:32:06 department was right there. Nobody did anything. But he stood up and he said, he said, in front of all these people from Bethel, he said, so where's a good place to me to protest? And all these white people said, Cincinnati! But nobody knew where Cincinnati was.
Starting point is 00:32:26 They all pointed different directions. But I was like, okay, that's where the black people must be. They was like, get the fuck out of here, go protest to Cincinnati. So you've been from Cincinnati just kind of made me think about that. And the videos that came out of Bethel during all those protests. It was crazy. Disturbing.
Starting point is 00:32:43 Because me and Tony are both from Ohio. And, you know, I know there's some racism in Ohio, but I didn't even know it was that bad. Well, I mean, that is, Bethel truly is the middle of nowhere. But I'm going to tell you, another thing that I felt when I was in Yellow Springs. Yeah. I was walking down the street. And Yellow Spring, first off, Yellow Springs, they had Black Lives Matter protests. It was 10 black people in the protest, and eight of them last name was Chappelle, right?
Starting point is 00:33:06 And it was this one moment where all. the motorcycle motherfuckers was going down the street, right? The rum-brums. And then Black Lives Matter was coming up at the same time. It's on my Instagram. It was coming the same time. I was like, this is going to be fucking crazy, right? And it was a point at the light
Starting point is 00:33:19 where they all fucking was right there. And then the motorcycle motherfuckers was going, rum-brum! I didn't know if they was trying to block out Black Lives Matter, but then at the end of it was three people on the motorcycle just like this, like they supported it.
Starting point is 00:33:35 And it was one of those tense moments where You didn't know what was going to happen. And I felt so good and I captured it to feel like, okay, respect us, respect you, and we'll just keep it moving. That was a good shit. And Ohio gets a lot of flack. I've been there for five weeks, bro. Five weeks. I feel nothing but good vibes.
Starting point is 00:33:55 Absolutely. 100%. I didn't know you was an Ohio, motherfucker. Bigtime. Youngstown, Ohio. I had a fucking, yo. That's Ohio. I have a fucking youngs.
Starting point is 00:34:06 You got a Youngstown story? Man, me and my dude tore this white bitch down in Youngstown. Really? Thank you for your people. She wasn't a hingecliff, was she? Oh, no. I don't even like the beginning of your name, son.
Starting point is 00:34:19 She looked like me with long brunette hair. No, I would never be on top of a bitch and look like you would have long anything, sir. I didn't know y'all was O-H motherfuckers. Oh, yeah, all the way. Red bands from Columbus. And I'm from Youngstown. Fucking, you are country motherfuckers
Starting point is 00:34:37 that was forced to be hollered. Hollywood. Sort of. Youngstown, sort of a city. It's a city. You'd be surprised. It's a small city.
Starting point is 00:34:45 I get that, but your upbringing, right. Is your nature motherfucker? Yep. Yep. I'm a nature nigga. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:55 I mean, I get out there, man. Did you agree? When I said, you're supposed to say, you can't call yourself that time. Again, I like being called the N-word. I just assume black people like being called it, too. All right.
Starting point is 00:35:05 No, I got to, I'm so Ohio now. I got a deeper connection. next to you motherfuckers are old age motherfuckers O-H-moffus. Oh-H! I-O. Boom, simple.
Starting point is 00:35:14 Just like that. So, Dave, anything else crazy? We should know about you. Any fun facts about you? Oh, shit. You know, I've watched the show a lot and I'm like, man, I would love to have a fun fact
Starting point is 00:35:25 about myself. I know, Jesse, that's not really a fun fact. I did kick a game-winning field goal in high school. Whoa. There we go. Will you kick field goals? Yes.
Starting point is 00:35:36 You still know how to do it? Boy. It's been 20 years. Dude, you should fucking kick a field goal. Where? We have a football anywhere? David Lucas, get up here, let him kick three points of your ass. David's made of pig skin.
Starting point is 00:35:51 Oh, Jesus. As al-a-a-h-h-a-h-h-h-a-h-h-l-a. All right, Dave. Like, give me a pro-pish, digger. Fun times, Dave. I'm so glad you graced us with your presence. Very awesome. You're a fun character.
Starting point is 00:36:04 Hopefully you'll come back again soon and join us again. All right. Thanks a lot. There he goes. You're doing what you're doing. Good job. Dave, wait, everybody. Oh, what's true?
Starting point is 00:36:14 Dave, come back. Dave, come back real quick. What's your, where can be able to find you? Are you working on anything? Social media or anything? Just a Dave Wait comedy on there. Me and Mitch were making a lot of videos where we were. We don't know who to fuck Mitch is.
Starting point is 00:36:27 It's W-A-I-T-E, right? Yeah, Mitch, Mitch Burrow. He was on the show a couple weeks ago. Yeah, you guys do the Door Guys show. That was so great. We love it. We were like, we're to make videos until we reopen. And that's not, who knows.
Starting point is 00:36:40 It was a funny three or four weeks. You guys made those videos. We thought we were to be back in like six weeks. Yeah, but all those are on there, Dave Waite comedy. So yeah, thanks, man. There you goes. Dave Wade, everyone.
Starting point is 00:36:53 Son, you got a charger? We'll get you one. David will plug you in. All right, this is a very, very fun time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special moment in the history of the show. Fun fact about this next comedian, And the last time he was on a show with Donnell Rawlings,
Starting point is 00:37:14 a lot of people were excited to see what was going to happen. Donnell patiently did not interrupt through his minute of stand-up comedy. I didn't patiently not interrupt. You told me not to interrupt. He impatiently waited through the minute of comedy and then proceeded to roast him. And so now he gets a minute uninterrupted back in front of his favorite comedian, Donnell Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen, regular, brilliant comedian. The future.
Starting point is 00:37:42 Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only. It is David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. The music doesn't really matter. He's right here. There you go. Here he is, David Lucas, everyone. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:56 Fuck that. I got to get my get back at Donnell, you turtle dick-looking motherfucker. Burt my hot McGundee-looking-ass nigga. You can talk to talk to talk. No, I don't want to do that. Last time I talked, they was like, you don't know-to-talk.
Starting point is 00:38:09 So I'm going to talk. No, my 60 seconds is roland-old-old. So you gotta go back and fuck, y'all, you gotta camouflage shirt on. You look like you got ram bra on right now. Waw, won, won, won. That was a good tactic. That was a good tactic.
Starting point is 00:38:21 Sick-looking ass. Looking like you're waiting on the blood transfusion, motherfucker. Same joke. Look like you ate the blood transfusion. You look like your spirit animal is a possum, bit. Get your dumb ass. I want to say what you look like.
Starting point is 00:38:32 You eat like. That's better position. That was a decent one. Old-ass dick. You eat like. You eat like. Y'all think. I see nervous.
Starting point is 00:38:41 Okay, the audience is going to be like, just let them talk. Go ahead. Y'all think Donnell got famous from the Chappelle show. He got famous for raising three turtles in the sewer. Master Splinter-looking ass, nigga. Get your dumbass about here, boy. Is it? Let's go, motherfuckaburger, back the phone.
Starting point is 00:38:58 What military are you in? The Salvation Army, motherfucker. This only motherfucker is camouflage from a restaurant. Donnell up there sipping on insulin, bit. That man is fucking... He ordered an insulin on rocks, nigg. Get you over there. as a body here.
Starting point is 00:39:11 Tactics still isn't working, but continue. That was my joke, man. Your turn. Come on, man. Put some energy in it, like you really want to do. The last time I had energy was like, oh, you didn't let them talk,
Starting point is 00:39:22 let me talk. So I'm going to let you talk, say. I'm going to let you talk yourself into not being funny. I didn't got to say shit. I don't fucking make it back. The audience, as much as they said the last time, I don't remember last time this show had a standard old at the end of it.
Starting point is 00:39:38 Okay, okay. You did that. Come on. So this has been over a minute. I'll come in. That was your set? Yes, nigga, I was roast your ass the whole minute,
Starting point is 00:39:47 motherfucker. That's why I said, talk. I threw his ass off, motherfucker. No, do your material. Let's do your material. That was my material.
Starting point is 00:39:55 I got something. All right. I love it. David Lucas, everybody. That's the, no, no, no, no. We want the jokes. All right, fuck.
Starting point is 00:40:03 Let me get my phone. I wrote it. You got to go to your phone for jokes? Nick, I just wrote it today. It's killed a toast. Oh, Jesus. All right. They said he was in a gym doing what, eating buffet?
Starting point is 00:40:13 He has to go get his phone because it doesn't fit in his pocket while he walks. Here's the thing. Here's the thing about it. I really like him. Oh, no, no, no. Fuck both of y'all. Y'all. Y'all still in that talking shit?
Starting point is 00:40:23 No, no, I really like it. Even though when I demolish you the last time. Here we got. Yo, it reminded me, and I don't know not to be on my dick, but I have to be on my dick. Okay. But it reminded me when I was younger where I was fucking fearless. Two hundred years ago, you old motherfucker? Okay.
Starting point is 00:40:39 All right. I told you don't know. Your mother's a fan, son. Don't let... I'll sit here a TikTok video and it'll be over. What I'm saying is I really appreciate you
Starting point is 00:40:53 and I appreciate your energy. And I appreciate the fact that you feel this and you don't give a fuck who's on the stage you're going to go for it. Sometimes you take an L. I consider an L.
Starting point is 00:41:02 Even on your master class, we talked about the difference between roasting and Jonin. Jonin is when you just off the cuff and you just make something happens. A lot of people don't appreciate it. especially in the roast world because the roast world
Starting point is 00:41:12 is so many rules. You get 30 seconds, I get 30 seconds. And go. Not in the streets. In the streets. Once you got the motherfucker, it's like the way of pit bull fucking fights. Once he got the motherfucker by the neck, they don't let up. Absolutely. And I really, I really, like you said, you don't like a lot of podcasts. I really liked your energy. I appreciate it, right?
Starting point is 00:41:30 But the back story, people don't know, is before that night, they was like this, Don Neil came prepared. He was nervous about Davis Lucas. No, I wasn't. The first time I met you was in the hallway, and you was fuck with me, and I murdered you. And when you came at me, I was like, who the fuck is he talking about? And I gave you a challenge. I gave you a simple challenge.
Starting point is 00:41:52 I said, if you can button your jacket up, I give you $100. And you should have seen this jacket. Wait a minute, wait a minute. But I was like, did I say, I know you work with Tony and I'm so 100 is not a lot, right? I say, if you can button up the second button, I give you $500. dollars and guess what you didn't get the money because you couldn't button it up it's so true but that jacket was so far apart from one or another oh both of y'all motherfuckers trying to chime in oh what are you gonna attack us looking like two raccoos about to break into some trash
Starting point is 00:42:26 coming in here dressed like a gravy seal that was a good one tony i don't want to do it i don't want to do it military is the only branch that won't break with david on it you only want to go to the You only want to go to the military because it's don't ask, don't tell, motherfucker. Your stomach couldn't handle the truth. Your hair couldn't handle the, motherfucker. I don't have no hair. You look like you had your second round of chemo
Starting point is 00:42:56 today, nigga. That's the easiest. The old joke's easy. I got a gray beard, nigga. I don't die my shit. Yeah, you look like a German Shepherd in the face. Look, that green and black. Don't co-sign that shit. You know how German Shepherds we have that black guy? You're like a rescue dog, nigga. I don't know. I just think. Donnell is a little bit more like a pug, right?
Starting point is 00:43:14 Oh, y'all. I'm just saying. I'll take about love. I don't think of the Shepherds right. That nigga looked like Rafiki Granddaddy. Your shorts look long. What? You short, this thing got long sleeve shorts. How you got thermo shorts?
Starting point is 00:43:35 Oh, shit, nigga. But I will say, I think you're funny. I think you got a bright future. Appreciate it. Man. I think you got a bright future. Heck yeah. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:43:45 Tell your mother called me. You know, this is good. This is fun for you because now you have another minute for another time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know. I don't think so. I don't think anything can really follow. I just had, man, man, I thought he was going to bring the, you know, the excited energy back.
Starting point is 00:43:59 I wasn't here. I wasn't he supposed to be here. I wouldn't he supposed to be here. I just came through. And when I saw you, I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. And when I saw you peel yourself out of your car. Done now.
Starting point is 00:44:10 That's it. He peeled himself. How does your car look like spandex on you? Dunnell, they brought you out on a stretch and to come to the comedy store, Ben. Still living. 25 years doing this shit. Yeah, your nursing home van
Starting point is 00:44:22 gonna be waiting on you outside at the end of the show, bet. Hell yeah. I like a live audience better. Yeah, you gotta chase your alcohol with fiber, nigga. Oh, my goodness gracious. I'm really thinking about it.
Starting point is 00:44:35 You might not have one of those epic moments. Damn, man, it does something. I'm hungry in the mood, plain and simple. I need food. fat little boys. Nope. Good tactic. This is wild.
Starting point is 00:44:49 That's dismissed that shit. That is a lot of camouflage you're wearing. And we still see you a big ass. All right. Like fatune. How do you dress it camouflage and still have a shadow? Nope. It is incredible.
Starting point is 00:45:02 I'll let the people. I'll warm it up. I'll warm it up. You can't just say no while people are laughing around you, David. Just trying to pull the podcast listener. No, this is the art of fucking Joe. No, this is the art.
Starting point is 00:45:13 If you get hit, don't never let them see you, hurry. Right, bro. It's like defensive. You got to, you know what I say? Shake that shit on, man. Yeah, yeah. How many push-ups do you do?
Starting point is 00:45:24 I can do a few. I don't know. I worked out today, man. You're talking about the popsicle? You worked out today. For who? What? For who?
Starting point is 00:45:31 You worked out for who? Me? Did you shed any pounds? I mean, throughout the whole, hey, bro, I weighed my, well, well, Richie way. How do you suck your stomach and your neck? Richie weighed me the other day, dog.
Starting point is 00:45:42 Richie weighed me the other day, dog. I'm actually 41 pounds down throughout the whole quarantine. Really? Hell yeah. From 376 to 335. Nope, nope. Rich's got a fucking scale for Watts, nigga. Don't get bad, dude.
Starting point is 00:45:53 Don't get bad, because... He's just selling a lot of cocaine. That's a lot of cocaine. Hey, Red Band, don't get the fuck out of here with that mask jacket on, Nick. Mass jacket? What the fuck? You're the one wearing camo. I'm just wearing a green shirt.
Starting point is 00:46:05 You drive a convertible Jeep. That's green, bitch. It's not convertible. Your stand is still. Your stomach is fucking shaking. Donnell, you're about to collapse if you get loud one more time, you're standing still,
Starting point is 00:46:16 you fucking still shaking. You can't even be in the sunlight too long, nigga. Direct sunlight is your enemy. Why? Why would sunlight? Because he's on a lot of medicine. And they're going to kidney medicine.
Starting point is 00:46:24 Look at him, sick ass. Sick. And that motherfucker look like a seat on. You do know you're a week away from diabetes, right? Hell, yeah. Shout up to Patrice O'Neill. You fall into his footsteps. Too soon?
Starting point is 00:46:35 No. Too late? No. Brain this nigga, Danelle, a glass of milk. You look at health hazard, son. If Corona don't get you hot cholesterol You can't even scratch your head without breaking your arms, nigga.
Starting point is 00:46:46 You can't touch your stomach. You don't even see your dick when you shower. You got bird bones, dude. How do you know when you get in the blowjob? You're up here looking like a hairless pig? How do you know when you get your dick sucks? Somebody got to remind you. He starts walking away from it like,
Starting point is 00:46:58 excuse me, I'm down here. You got to lift your stomach up to get a nut. It's over. Tony, you got a glory hole at your apartment, man, nigga. That's true. You got a glory hole in your navel. Donnell, you got an only fan, shit, shut your gay ass up.
Starting point is 00:47:13 I do, get right there. You got a bitch pushing you in a wheelchair, nigga. I got an only fan, you got no fans, nigga. Oh, God, here we go. No fans. David's only fans are the people sitting at that table over there. That's it. Tony, you put videos of you eating hot dogs with no bun or no internet.
Starting point is 00:47:29 You should talk about anything about food, nigga. Don't talk about food. Talk about hiking nature shit, did you fight? I do all that shit, do you. No, you don't. You hike to Burger King. We can race.
Starting point is 00:47:39 I'll beat you in a race probably. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Probably. This is that Kony Island hot dog eating contest. A real race? Are we about to do a foot race right now? Oh, dang.
Starting point is 00:47:49 I'm going to have some shoes in the car. Oh, you're going to change your shoes? Fucking Mr. Rogers over here. Hey, come on, Tony. You saw my race the other week, man. Come on. Yeah, but that was against a morbidly obese man. Yeah, but he's like 40 pounds lighter than me.
Starting point is 00:48:00 I was talking about yourself. You were racing yourself. No, I was racing. But no, he was decently fast. Donnell would absolutely smoke you. I would smoke you, son. I don't know, bro. He old.
Starting point is 00:48:09 The only time you'd be. been to raise the views on the biggest losers and that show is canceled. Yeah, that's not the one red. I don't know. It's not. It's not my audience tonight. Yeah, man. There's no audience. God damn, this shit is fucking a nigga.
Starting point is 00:48:21 Bray him back on when the audience is here. I love it. I still know what. No, no, no. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're great, David. How many hooks is on the back of your bra? I mean, how many hooks is on the back of it?
Starting point is 00:48:31 I don't know. I'm like, I had a stroke mid-sittance. Get your Joe Biden and ass. How many hooks? How many hooks on the back of your bra? So, that's all I want to go. That's it? That's it?
Starting point is 00:48:40 No, I'm just saying. Keep on, get out of you. You got a photo shoot with Lane Brian in 10 minutes. Wwant, won, won. Oh, perfect tech. Perfect tech. You got a photo shoot with insured. You're going to be holding a can.
Starting point is 00:48:52 All right. How are you holding your stomach and your chest with one hand? Easy. Fat boy swag. They get some. I'm a pass on that shit. I'll die skinny. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:49:04 All right, there he goes. God damn. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. David Lucas, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fighting the good fight. Hey. That was fun.
Starting point is 00:49:24 Get him a drink. Nutrisystem on the rocks. Nutrisystem on the rocks. Donnell just ordered for David Lucas. This is exciting. I pulled a name out. This is someone's first time. We have no idea who this is.
Starting point is 00:49:38 This is very, very exciting. Make some noise for Smokey Augusta people in the room. There's a couple people in here. Clap and here comes Smokey. Augusta. Here's Smokey. Thank you, thank you. Give it up for David Lucas.
Starting point is 00:49:58 I'm going with the moment. I got some roast jokes, so I'm going to go with him. He roast everything, so you might as well do a joke. I heard that, heard that. Oh, okay. I shut up.
Starting point is 00:50:06 All right, here's Smokey Augusta. All right. David Lucas looks like he was raised by a nanny with cancels. You know what? You know what? Instead, I'm just going to cut you off right there. instead of roasting someone that's not here, let's just do whatever else you were going to do.
Starting point is 00:50:21 Can we do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Smokey Augusta. So I was watching the old Brad Pitt movie 7 the other day, and I realized when none of my past relationships work out. Not enough head. Just kidding, just kidding. What I did realize is that the women I date
Starting point is 00:50:38 have too many of the seven deadly sins present for a long-term relationship to blossom. But you can get lucky with two. You get lust and pride, because you know lust likes to fuck. And pride, well, they have a whatever, attitude in the bedroom so that's a good thing as well so I got to say about that but once you get to three three's only good for short term that's why I say just add wrath just for the angry sex alone come on y'all give it up
Starting point is 00:51:00 for angry sex I look back finally on the great simultaneous attaculation that 2012 thank the Mayans for that shit that was some end-of-the-world fucking right there but once you get to four deadly sins nah nah three is a party four is a Tyler Perry movie I stay away from envy and covetedness but I do think fork and work with sloth, sloth might have good weed. How may I catch you get? Hot diggedy dam, Smokey Augusta.
Starting point is 00:51:30 Step back from that ledge, my friend. Hello, Smokey Augusta. How are you? I'm good. How are you doing, Tony? I'm so sad to hear what happened to your hit show MythBusters. Yeah, that's sad. Were you the one that raped your sister?
Starting point is 00:51:45 Was that the other one? This is the other guy. Okay, good. Well, obviously, I'm the only thing you guys are busting in. You see what I'm... All right. It's a weird sister rape joke right there. Hi, Smokey.
Starting point is 00:51:57 First... What was that? Was that you? I was going to tag it. Oh, I love that. Feel free anytime. You, you. So Smokey Augusta.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Let's talk about it. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? It's my second time. Second time ever. Yes. Where was your first time at? Miami Improft. How long ago was that?
Starting point is 00:52:18 I think it was 2003. 2003. So your return after 17 years, the people wanted it. He's back. We want smoking. We want smoking. And he's back. You know, this is like the crowd goes wild, one of those big return moments.
Starting point is 00:52:33 What made you take 17 years off of the game? You know, I didn't really do it in front of a crowd. I was auditioning for something. I went to visit friends and it inspired me. I saw an audition in the paper. I went for it. In the newspaper. It was.
Starting point is 00:52:47 That's how things were back then 17 years ago. You had to get an audition in the newspaper back then. That's right. You want to make you? You got to get a newspaper. See? He's got the newspaper hat on. Look at that.
Starting point is 00:52:56 Extra, extra. Read all about it. Auditions. Miami, Florida. One chance online. My a yada. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point? You look like the kind of guy that likes to cut your own wood.
Starting point is 00:53:08 You build your own fires. You have one of those fireplaces with a little furnace in there. You have your own heated place. He looks like the kind of guy who stir. His milk with his index finger. Do you stir your milk with your index fingers? Yes, yes, I do. How about the in the home furnace thing?
Starting point is 00:53:27 You ever have your own wood-burning furnace? No, not yet. Okay, so what have you been doing with your life? I manage a restaurant in Anaheim. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Is that a chain restaurant, or is it a...
Starting point is 00:53:39 Yeah, it is. It's close to Disneyland. Chili's baby back ribs. Bobacusals Is it a Chili's? No. No, it's not. Okay, that's...
Starting point is 00:53:55 I see a person that has a potential to tell jokes but without getting stage time, the biggest thing we all say with comedy is timing. It's hard to get timing when you do jokes every 15 years. That is true.
Starting point is 00:54:11 You know, but there's somebody that's like, okay, I know this shit is funny. It was the case with a lot of us, We know it's funny, but you don't have the reps to get the time. It was no pacing. It was a small audience, so you couldn't, like, lay into a laugh or whatever. But, you know, the premise, the shit was funny, but I just feel like you'll grow and get better with fucking more stage time, and that develops your timing. And also guns ablazing coming out with, you know, the movie references from the hit 1996 film 7 perhaps was, you know, not as topical as, for example, what we talked about with, Dave Wait, coming in, talking about the coronavirus, this and the 90s one.
Starting point is 00:54:49 Right. J., which I'm guessing is 96. Ryan J, you have a better number than that? I guess sooner or later. I say later. I saw an ad for that in the paper, and then I went to see it, and it was a lovely film. 96, 97, says Ryan J, which is good enough for me. So how about hobbies, fun things?
Starting point is 00:55:07 You seem like a guy that has hobbies. Go ahead. Tell us about them. What are you good at? Special skills, talents, anything? I've been playing a lot of guitar throughout the quarantine. ukulele, been writing a lot. September 95 was the answer. I was months off.
Starting point is 00:55:21 You can't get no pussy off of a ukulele. Can you? No. You don't have a ukulele with you, do you? No, I don't. God damn it. Don't make him a guitar fucking comedian. Oh, Jesus. I'll make him some kind of comedian. I hate them motherfuckers. You do have some kind of an interesting hobby, though, right?
Starting point is 00:55:37 Like you collect something or you're into something that's unique. Trains. You're a train guy. That sounds good. No. No? Tomogonogies. You build doorhouses. Stamps, periodicals.
Starting point is 00:55:49 Gigapets. C.B. Radios. Mostly musical stuff. Microfiche. What kind of... Walkman AM radios. We're done with the guest's band. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:55:59 How about what other instruments other than ukulele? This guitar. Just guitar. Piccolo. Okay. Tuber. You look like a tuba player. Clarinet.
Starting point is 00:56:10 All right. How about your love life? Windchine. What's that like? It's pretty non-existent at them. moment. I moved here about a year ago. What was that? What a ukulele is hard to get asked. Yeah. Do you know the song
Starting point is 00:56:23 somewhere over the rainbow on ukulele? I do. It's basically like the stayaway to heaven for ukulele. Indeed. You have to know it on ukulele. You must know it, absolutely. Why do you think your love life's non-existent? I've only been out here for a year, and I just came out here for work, and I don't really know many people. Do you ever go on dates at all?
Starting point is 00:56:44 I haven't since I've been out here You ever just go to a bar and stare at a girl? Do date rapes count? Just stare at, yeah. Just an observation, I don't have a great time here. I don't want to be a part of that, Joe. There's no. Very bizarre.
Starting point is 00:56:58 Okay, so sticking on this, no dates at all? No, no. What's the closest thing to a date you've been on in the past year? Clarinet. Have you eaten the fruit? Do you ever just dress up your ukulele and have dinner with it. Ignore all of their questions and statements. Stick with me here. Closest thing to a date in the past year.
Starting point is 00:57:23 The only time I've really gotten out besides work is I went to go see your drive-up comedy with Blue Ball. Oh, that's fun. That's exciting. That was a fun night, right? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Got to see Jeremiah, David Lucas, and Jetsky Johnson. Yes, good times. So there's no one at work. Usually restaurants. There's a lot of dating. Yeah, with a manager, you could really throw your weight around there. No, yeah, I bartended for years, and I would date coworkers, but as a manager. That's so me, too, son. You can't do that now. Yeah, you can't do it anymore.
Starting point is 00:57:57 Anaheim, you're a real angel out there living in Anaheim. Oh, yeah, real close. All right. You guys have outdoor seating at your restaurant, or is it one of the restaurants that are completely closed during this time? No, we do. We do have outdoors, so we're open right now. Red Ben would like to know exactly where the restaurant is.
Starting point is 00:58:14 with that you know only in anaheim he might be able to he might be able to ride his electric bicycle all the way there David Lucas knows exactly what that restaurant is as a chef do you ever make potato salad no sorry okay you like potato salad well I was just going if he was a chef you know it's big in the black culture to have good potato salad
Starting point is 00:58:39 why are you looking at me directly in my eyes when you talk about potato salad because black You're right. Black people love potato salad. Yeah, you'll fucking lose friendship over fucking bad potato salad. Exactly. So I was going to ask.
Starting point is 00:58:50 Why people don't put paprika on their potato salad? They don't put what on it? Paprika. I love it. And mustard. I like a mustard potato salad. Have you ever put raisins and potatoes salad? No, I can't do this.
Starting point is 00:59:02 Why do you put almonds apples? My wife did it once and I almost divorced her there on the spot. Gross. Is that true? Is that true, Victoria Fontaine the third? Yes, I don't know why. I was just doing an art. project. I don't know why he ate it. I have people
Starting point is 00:59:16 to cook for me. Wasn't even potato salad Reginald. Okay. Anything. Have you ever been arrested before, Smokey? Yes. For what? Just missing a court date. Missing a court date. For what? What was the court date for? Traffic violation. Traffic violation.
Starting point is 00:59:32 Sex trafficking? Yes, she yelled stop. He kept going. All right. Well, fun time, Smokey. Thank you for making your 17-year return on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Smokey Augusta, everybody. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:00:13 Okay, guys, what the fuck is happening? Jesus, fucking Christ. Good God. All right. God forbid we finished the Ducktail, so you were blue-balling us the entire time. Is that what it was? Duck-tales?
Starting point is 01:00:26 Who gives a shit? Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian, a very controversial figure. I mean, I gave him a silver, intro last week and people got mad. So I'm just going to say some people
Starting point is 01:00:42 love them, some people really love them, some people just like them. Ladies and gentlemen, William the Big Red Machine, Montgomery. First and foremost, David Lucas, take a couple notes. You hear my first line.
Starting point is 01:01:01 Donnell, I loved you in Spider-Man 2. Whoa! Funny how unless I'm scared the dust inside my computer is about to call the cops, the wheat is too weak. There is nothing more annoying than a bunch of whining screaming kids on a plane. That's why I never flew with Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein. I was over at Red Band's place the other night in Red Band. I got a question to ask you, who designed the glory hole in your bathroom?
Starting point is 01:01:39 I was able to see Red Band's Oriental wife suck his dick. It was wonderful. Remember that time Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin played the guitar with the cello bow? How the fuck did he do that? Would Tracy Chapman be the first known they in music history? You got a fast car. I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal.
Starting point is 01:02:16 Maybe together we can get somewhere. Okay, William Montgomery, everybody. There we go. Quit taking fucking pictures. It's the song from Dog Tales. It's Duck Tales, Dog Tales. Quit taking pictures. Rick.
Starting point is 01:02:35 It's the song from Dog Tales. It's Dog Tales. Woo! Duck Tales. Everybody was to. Dogtale. It's now my theme song. You are so sweet to have played
Starting point is 01:02:50 that. A lot of people don't know. The Duck Tales is the official theme song of William Monkey. Of Black Lives Matter. Oh my goodness. Is that true? Donnell, can you corroborate that? Shout out to George Floyd. That's all I want to say. What'd you say? No, I literally, I didn't hear you. What'd you say? He said shout out to George Floyd. Oh, okay. Black Lives Matter. There you go. The Duck Tales song I heard was the theme song. Was I mistake him? Nope. William. How are you doing this week, William? I've been better. I'm looking for a job still.
Starting point is 01:03:23 Yeah? How's that going? What are you doing to look for a job exactly? I have been going to the local YMCA and swimming laps. Uh-huh. How about the job part? No, literally. I mean, I've been going to the YMCA.
Starting point is 01:03:38 I'm swimming laps. Nobody's allowed in the YMCA. No, but really, I haven't been looking for a job. Donnell, do you have one for me? Nope Okay Fair enough Maybe you could build some ukuleleases or shit
Starting point is 01:03:58 Maybe I could what? I'm not going to keep doing that It's a zip recruiter Yeah it was hard to understand your seat No what you say William that's going in a bad place You did a good job Go chop some wood
Starting point is 01:04:09 Okay I know I'm kidding Donnell I'm kidding I'm on edge tonight No we're still doing protest I don't know if you're serious enough No I'm kidding my peers almost died in the tornadoes last night in Tennessee. Is that true? I've never felt sorry for a white person in a tornado. Come on.
Starting point is 01:04:25 My parents bought that house 20 years ago. Is that true? Yeah, they bought it 20 years ago. Did the tornado hit near where they live? Yeah, broke down the house. What broke down about the house? There was a tornado. What was that dumb little song you were about to play?
Starting point is 01:04:42 That was the sound of a tornado. Play it again. Yeah, I played that again. That was really helping. That's a tornado. siren. Warning. That's a tornado warning? No, but yeah, last night. Ohio would know that that's the sound of a tornado warning. Yeah, we know. I had to get in the basement
Starting point is 01:04:59 many a times. We had tornado drills. Really? Oh, yeah. That's fucking crazy. Used to get in the towel closet. Tornadoes, I think, I would prefer a tornado area than an earthquake place. So what's the rule? You go in your house, you get low, what do you do? Go in the basement.
Starting point is 01:05:17 Yeah, you go to the lowest place. Or in the towel closet. Or in a hallway. Toul closet is normally in the middle of the house. Really? Do you have a towel closet, William? Yeah, just filled with green and blue towels. Never used. What do you mean never used? Who said that?
Starting point is 01:05:35 It was red band. Red band. Why'd you say that? I take showers, dude. We wear the same shorts every single day. And the zipper's still broken. It's still broken. Oh, God, William. Take a look at that, Donnell.
Starting point is 01:05:46 Too much of me. You are taking a look at that, Don Hill! Black Lives still matter. Put your shirt down. Come on, I'm kidding. My goodness, William. My God. So what are you going to do for a job? Are you running out of money?
Starting point is 01:06:00 I am coming up with a new board game. Yeah, what's going to be called? It's going to be similar. Tornado Twister. How'd you know it was going to be called Tornado Twister? I'm a genius, bro. I know you tornado motherfucker. How does that game go?
Starting point is 01:06:15 It's a lot like battleship. Oh. it is. But it's tornadoes. It's literally just like battleship, but it's tornadoes. How'd you know that, Donnell? And you sing it. Genius, bro. How'd you know that one?
Starting point is 01:06:28 I'm a jail. I looked at your body, and I knew it looked like you would may have a game card tornadoes. Look at my bio? Your body. Oh, my body. I'm not going to keep explaining how I talk, motherfucker. That's the most condescensionation of the right person could do. What did you say? He's very silly. Hold on what? His thing is being silly. I know. I'm trying.
Starting point is 01:06:46 Are you? I had a real hard week this week. Yeah, tell us about it. Yeah, is that it? Went to McDonald's a couple days ago. They overcharged me for a Big Mac. How much did they charge you? $10. I should have known before I paid them.
Starting point is 01:07:02 They said, you order. I paid $10 for a Big Mac. Oh, my goodness. They overcharged me. That's like 10 double cheeseburgers. It's, yeah, I mean, I don't have 10 bucks. I don't have a job anymore. And the motherfuckers are.
Starting point is 01:07:16 The McDonald's charged me $10 for a big Mac? Did you try to return it? I ate it. No, he ate the second one. Then I said, oh, I guess I was all right. No, I ate the first one. Oh, my goodness, William. A lot of anger coming through this week.
Starting point is 01:07:31 Clearly, you are going through time. Yeah, I'm looking for a job. There's a pandemic happening. You lost her job. What's that, Ryan? Ryan just dropped his light. What are you drawing over there, dude? There's a lot of wild shit happening.
Starting point is 01:07:45 That's the first time Ryan J. Ebald has ever lost in the light. Yeah, that's a bad omen. What is that? That means we have a... Donnell, I hate it. What's he drawing? We have four more weeks of summer when Ryan Jay... A tornado.
Starting point is 01:07:58 When Ryan Jay's life. Ryan, are you drawing a tornado? Is that how you draw a tornado? Wait, David, can you get on the camera here? Zoom in on Ryan. Let's see that one again, Ryan. Let's see you draw a tornado. Whoa, he's going crazy.
Starting point is 01:08:15 He's drawing a tornado. Oh, my God. Clearly, okay, that's enough. So, William, is there anything else that we should know about before we let you go tonight? I illegally went to a movie this past week. You went to an actual movie theater? Yup. Did you, were they open?
Starting point is 01:08:36 Yeah, they were open? What did you see? A Tarzan movie. Did you play the movie yourself? Were you the projectionist? No, they were something up. It was a Tarzian movie. made some sweet tarts and they really hurt my tongue.
Starting point is 01:08:55 Oh, boy. Donnell, you told me to say that one. It didn't work out with these people. I just want to see the final product of the tornado sketch. I want to see it too. Can you do perhaps we could close your set this week with an impression of you in a tornado? Can you show us, can you put the mic in the mic stand and show us what you would look like if you were outside during a tornado? You know, there's the sirens are happening.
Starting point is 01:09:19 David's on the camera. Let's see. Oh, he's going poop, everybody. He's shitting his pants first. He's very scared. Hold on, Bob. Give the towel closet. Oh.
Starting point is 01:09:33 Wow, that's a callback to that towel closet reference from a few minutes ago. My goodness. What if the tornado is literally, like, happening right now? Don't encourage. That was the worst tornado impression I've ever heard. you mean Donnell? Let's say you're not in a house, right? You're outside in a field. In a field and there's a tornado going over you right now. There's a tornado. Boer, bobo. Hold on mom, get out of the field. What? Hold on mom. Get out of the field. No, your mom's not in the field. You're in a field all by yourself. And action. Here we go. Big tornado. Hey, Lucas, get out of the field. No, nobody's in the field with you. You're by yourself. So you can't just yell at somebody. And the Black Lives Matter protest is coming right down the street of the tornado right now. Yeah, okay.
Starting point is 01:10:23 Oh, no, what are y'all doing on the street? All right. That's what he would say at a Black Lives Matter rally with what are you doing? In Bethel. In Bethel. Go to Cincinnati with that tornado. All right, ladies and gentlemen, another very fun, silly week with William Montgomery, everybody. Oh.
Starting point is 01:10:46 Duck tails, duck tails. Please step back from that ledge, my friend, Ducktails, Ducktails. Yeah, it is Ducktails. D-U-C-K, it's Ducktail. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Molly Hale. Here we go, Molly Hale, everybody. It's Duck Tales, Duck Tales. They just ran out of songs.
Starting point is 01:11:26 It's Duck Tales, Dogtales, Dogtales. It's Duck Tales. Here's Molly Hale, everyone. Hi, everybody. My name is Molly, and I really wish that I enjoyed butt sex, but my butthole is very dead set against it. And I do have this no-in-my-out policy, but I actually didn't write that policy. My butthole wrote that policy, you know? And I wish it was different because all my gay friends are like, oh, the butthole, it's a portal of pleasures full of a million treasures.
Starting point is 01:11:55 And my girlfriends are like, oh, if I get drunk enough, I might let him pop it in one time. You know, but my butthole is so anti-anel, if it even gets a whiff of a dick coming anywhere near it, it will just scoot right out of the way, you know? One time I saw my butthole put on a fake mustache and pretend to be the mouth of a dude to get away from a dick. My butthole started talking about sports, and the dick got very confused, you know,
Starting point is 01:12:19 and then another time my butthole put out two other fake buttholes on either side of it and started a game of three-card Monty in order to avoid a dick. My butt hole was all, step right up, step right up, Who would like to put their dick into a real butthole? You, sir? Yes, but which butthole is the real butthole? Left butthole?
Starting point is 01:12:37 Thank you. All right. Molly Hale. Duck tails, duck tails, duck tails. All right. 60 seconds of straight butthole jokes. I mean, I... Bop, blah, blah, blah, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, I...
Starting point is 01:12:51 Packed it in. Yes, you did. Literally. The butthole jokes. The good news is, is Red Band has nominated you for the Mark Twain Award. He loves butthole jokes. That was beautiful. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:13:02 It was a work of fart. Oh, I like that. They were smelly, but delicious. Molly, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, our first time meeting you. It is my first time on. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here.
Starting point is 01:13:13 I love this show. You live in L.A.? I do. What part? I live just east of Chinatown in Lincoln Heights. Oh, cool. Yeah. Northeast side.
Starting point is 01:13:22 Nice. And how long have you been doing comedy? I've been in the comedy world for a while. I grew up in Chicago with Michael Eyre. Oh, awesome. Indeed, you came highly recommended from Michael Lair. Based on my butthole jokes, I'm pretty sure. Hey, you know what?
Starting point is 01:13:36 David knows everybody from front to butt. That's what I always say. Anyway. Have you ever had butt sex for real estate stuff? Of course. Tried, but it doesn't work. You know what I mean? Why doesn't it work?
Starting point is 01:13:48 It just hurts real bad. Oh, I know. You've got to live it up with some CBD. Well, that's what you guys say. They say a man's G spot is in his anus. Guess who has never touched their G spot? Me. Really?
Starting point is 01:14:01 Ain't nothing but a G-thing baby. Yeah, they say that. Have you ever had a doctor given an examination? I don't want to talk about that. Do I get a goodie bag for being on the show of some CBD loose? Don't look. You look at me right in my eyes like Donnell, so. I don't want to talk about that.
Starting point is 01:14:19 Quickest doctor's appointment ever. I'll just take your word for it, Doc. Just look it. You're such a comedy great. Everything is always yes and with you. Until that question right there. I've known you for years. What?
Starting point is 01:14:32 And I've never seen you shoot anything down. We don't talk about that. We don't talk about that. No, we don't talk about that. So what is your inspiration to keep trying the butthole? Oh, I don't try the butthole. Guys try the butthole. Yeah, they always want to.
Starting point is 01:14:48 It's like they're big thing. So your jokes aren't even real. Yes, they are real. I've tried to put in my butthole. My butthole does not want it. And so as a result, my butthole goes to great lengths to avoid it, Because it really hurts a lot. Where are you going to tour with these butthole jokes?
Starting point is 01:15:02 That's just, to the fucking comedy store, dude. That's right. Kill Tony, Monday, night. I don't think anybody's ever got past this club, like, you know that butthole joke she did for 15 minutes? That's true. Red band's been trying for a half. Where else are you going to do butthole jokes but killed Tony?
Starting point is 01:15:17 Come on. She just got passed with the ass joke. Buthole. Butthole makes this sound better. But I just personally think that this is not good material. Oh, I'm sorry. No, apologize. I should have, I should have, I should have.
Starting point is 01:15:30 I should have, I should have. No, my butthole doesn't need. Your butt hole is not going to make, you're not going to make it off your butthole. You don't want any club to remember you as, you remember the girl they had the butthole jokes? If you had to guess the percentage of your jokes that are around the butthole, uh, I brought all of them that fit in 60 seconds. Like these are all of them and they're tight 60, you know, so I knew they were perfect to do that. You're pushing the butthole jokes. I can't, it's on my mind.
Starting point is 01:15:55 You don't get a lot of predators wanting to fuck you in the butt. You do know. That's true. A lot of predators? Yeah. I mean, I think every man is a predator because every man wants to fuck you.
Starting point is 01:16:04 Oh my goodness. That is incredible. I didn't realize Alyssa Milano was on tonight's show. And I'll tell you how you're encouraging predators. Just do 10 minutes of butthole jokes. Well.
Starting point is 01:16:16 I'm just saying. If I talked about my butthole straight for a minute and a half, I would totally expect to get butt raped afterwards. Wow. You would expect it? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:16:27 In Western. Tollywood, absolutely. Well, I think it's just you guys can't stop thinking about my butthole now. We can't stop thinking about your butthole because you talked about it for two minutes. Well, it is very cute, you know? Oh, really? It is really nice. I can't help that.
Starting point is 01:16:40 How is the last time you looked at your butt hole? Oh, you got to do a mirror check like once a week. Wait, don't do this. I'm telling you set yourself for a charge. Don't do it. You can't edit live, right? And there was that night that he fucked me my butt because I did 10 minutes worth of butthole jokes. So, Maldi, what else do you do other than comedy and butthole jokes?
Starting point is 01:16:57 Well, I also love nature. Yeah? I'm a big fan. I try to go out into it as much as possible. I think Los Angeles has some of the best nature in the world just outside the city. I know, I heard it. What do you like to do nature-wise? Get a butthole pot.
Starting point is 01:17:10 No, that's, I don't think you heard my set. Notty by nature. That's the opposite of my life. Notty by nature. What type of nature are you into? I like all of it, the trees, the flowers, the rivers. The gorges. Okay.
Starting point is 01:17:25 What else are you into? Any other hobbies or fun facts? about you? Yeah, I like to dabble in witchcraft. Oh my goodness. Really? This is very exciting. It can be. What type of witchcraft do you do? Well, type specifically spell magic, but
Starting point is 01:17:39 I also do a lot of essential oil magic. What types of spells have you done on people? Can you talk about it? I don't do spells on people. Do you smudge people? Yes, of course you smudge people. I'm a smudge head now. I'm all about smudge like it. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it really does kill bacterium. Yeah, Palisanto.
Starting point is 01:17:56 You got to, you got to, Get your Palisanto, you know, from a place that you respect that's not raping the culture. You're talking about Sage? Sage is also a good one. Palisanto was a big deal. Common, the rapper Common introduced me to Palisanto. They have these sticks, right? And I was hanging out with him, and he kept lighting his stick, and it kept going out.
Starting point is 01:18:16 And I was like, I thought he had a blunt. I'm like, past the shit. But I know he was trying to get rid of evil spirits and shit, Palisanto. It's a good smell, too. It is a good smell. You know, Jeski grew up as a witch, a wicket. Wow, half wicken. All right.
Starting point is 01:18:30 But Victoria Fontaine, the third, is a pure Satanist. So what types of big spells have you done on anything? Can you give us an example of something that you've done? No spell is a big spell. Spell magic is ritual and spell magic is practice like anything, like comedy. So you just, you do it. Is there anything that you've ever done with a spell in which you're like, whoa, we did something crazy here? Absolutely.
Starting point is 01:18:52 Okay, so that that'll be the reference. Absolutely. Conjured a house. So I think properties are conjuring you as much of. you're conjuring them, but conjured the exact place that was perfect for us, and it came to us from two different places. Here's my thought. You know a lot, you know a lot about buttholes. Well, only my butthole, to be fair. I don't know anything about your buttholes, sir. This is me just being really critical and honest. You talking about witchcraft is a lot more interesting to talking about your butthole. That's absolutely. That's just, everybody's got a butthole. Nobody's got witchcraft.
Starting point is 01:19:22 I knew that the butthole jokes were the thing to do at the comedy store. It's not. That is a huge misconception. Listen, guys. In the belly room, yeah, but not in O-R. We're in the main room. I really thought you were going to like my butthole jokes a lot more, quite honestly, because I laugh at them and I think they're hilarious.
Starting point is 01:19:41 Nobody cares if you laugh at yourself. Really? Comedy? You laugh at yourself, you're not going to go nowhere. Oh, no, yeah, of course. Of course, of course. I thought you were saying I didn't like my own jokes. I think they're hilarious.
Starting point is 01:19:51 No, you're good. You're good. Red band laughed a lot. He's the butthole officianto. I like farts and poop. I don't give a shit about buttholes. You talk about buttholes. But you don't think they're funny?
Starting point is 01:20:01 But holes are hilarious. I never talk about butt holes. Maybe I didn't start off the butthole in the right way, but come on. Buttholes are funny, you guys. I don't think. I want to smudge a butthole joke right now. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 01:20:12 You said you conjured property, right? Yes, that's what she said. So are you saying that the homeless should just conjure homes? Well, they're not practicing their spill of magic, that's for sure. Or food? What do you mean when you say? say that you conjured a home? Worked mentally and thought about what we wanted specifically and did it in a way that was
Starting point is 01:20:34 ritual and did it multiple times and then got exactly what we wanted. Put your energy into it, put your intention into it. Where did the witchcraft come into this? Intention is witchcraft. Witchcraft is intention. Oh, we're all witches then. Absolutely. If you use it correctly.
Starting point is 01:20:50 I love that. Yeah. That's interesting stuff. Witch, bitch. I'm witch. Which bitch did you say? I love that. Well, very fun to a very fun to meet you.
Starting point is 01:21:04 I want to have anal sex now. Wait, what? Not me, but, you know. She's got me all excited about but holes, man. There was a whole lot of butt in there. We learned that Red Band doesn't even like buttholes. He just likes poop, farts. Poop in farts, that's all I care about.
Starting point is 01:21:21 But the butthole, the way it comes out is not funny, just the things that come out. Just the sounds. Okay. You know, next, come back again, and next time we'll figure out more about you hearing a minute that doesn't have to do with all buttholes. You got it. No butts about it. There she goes, Molly Hale, everybody.
Starting point is 01:21:38 Molly Hale. And she talked about her butt. She does witchcraft and conjures houses. She does witchcraft and conjures house. She's a witch girl. That's hilarious. This is a very exciting part of the night, ladies and gentlemen. This is a first in Kill Tony history.
Starting point is 01:22:06 Last week, Michael Lair challenged Jeremiah Watkins to a monologue battle for Rambo. This all started weeks ago when Michael Lair politely asked Jeremiah if he could borrow a wig, to which Jeremiah uppity-upidily replied, well, I normally don't do that. The rest is history. The rivalry started weeks ago. Tonight it will be settled. The loser of this monologue challenge, the rumor is,
Starting point is 01:22:38 is that the loser will have boiling water poured on them at a later date in the parking lot of the comedy store. Again, I repeat, the loser will have boiling water poured on them. It could be Michael Lairor, who has debilitating disease, ALS. We might have to pour boiling water on him. This is what they agreed on people. I don't know. I mean, you know, I'm just an official in this.
Starting point is 01:23:07 I'm not, I didn't create this battle. This was sent up. I'm still stuck up off the butthole shit. I know. It's hard for me to shake the butthole. I want to see your butt hole now. Well, the butts are about to become Watts, my friend, because. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 01:23:22 Oh, wait, no, no, no. I don't want you to miss the Rambo monologue. We'll get her, we'll get her a drink. I don't want you to miss this Rambo first. thing because I don't know what's going to happen here. I need you up here for this, Donnell. So, oh, I need a coin, that's right. I never found that
Starting point is 01:23:36 quarter that I brought. It slipped out of my pocket on the drive. How about a hundred dollars? Anybody have a quarter? Conjure one. So, we're going to flip a coin, and then we are going to, depending on which way the coin lands, that's going to
Starting point is 01:23:50 decide who goes first and who goes second in this. I'm going to flip a memory card. Very good. that was great red band just throw things here flip a memory card catch except you didn't even say catch so okay let's do it this way if it's the sand disk side michael lair will go first and if it's the blank side with the USB port jeremiah will go first and here we go all right that's sand disk ladies and gentlemen going first tonight the man who started all of this doing the final scene from Rambo First Blood. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Michael Laird. Here we go.
Starting point is 01:24:44 Cue me. Oh, you want me to do that one line? Yeah. What is it again? No, uh, you can't handle. It's over. Rambo, it's over. Nothing's over. Nothing. I destroyed this war you did, and I did everything somebody. I come home to the world and all these maggots at the airport you never let me call me
Starting point is 01:25:20 my friend my friend I said me I'm like Frank I can't find your life I know my goodness he nails Sebastian Stallone's voice
Starting point is 01:26:09 that is Sylvester Stallone's voice that is Sylvester Stallone I can't believe we got the actual Sylvester Stallone to come here tonight. Oh my goodness, that's Michael Lair. Yeah. I was Sylvester Stallone after riding 100. That is incredible. That was very impressive.
Starting point is 01:26:30 I thought you were the actual Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, I get that on my. It wasn't until you waved and did a normal face in which I realized that that's Michael Lair. Yeah, you're like, oh, yeah, that's a... friend of mine, it sounds like his mouth is full of dicks. Yep. Yeah. Or buttholes.
Starting point is 01:26:50 You sound, exactly. That was an impressive performance. Lama trained, um, lesbian. Indeed. It's going to be very hard to beat that. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we bring out Jeremiah to give his, uh... Who, Jerry? Yeah, Jerry.
Starting point is 01:27:06 Jerry Watkins? Jeremy. name. I can just tell. I don't know this for a fact, but I can almost guarantee he must hate that name more than anything. Oh, I've accidentally called him a few times
Starting point is 01:27:20 because my uncle is a fact. He got pissed at me. Of course he does. Jeremiah is the same name so he can kiss the ass of the Hollywood Amishelie. All right. Well, with no further ado, though,
Starting point is 01:27:38 I do believe it's time that we bring him out. This is the man that you challenged in this. this all started because he would not give you a wig. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, with his version of the final scene from Rambo First Blood, I present to you the one the only, the leader of the band, Jeremiah Watkins. Here we go.
Starting point is 01:28:02 It's Jeremiah. Oh, my goodness. Here he comes. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And the winner is... It's over, Rambo.
Starting point is 01:28:59 It wasn't my war. I try to come back to this world. I see all those maggots at the airport protests and me spin me, call me baby killing all kinds of vile crap. Me and my friend Joey called my name. He says I want to go home. I want to drive my Chevy.
Starting point is 01:29:49 You can't find your fucking legs. Every name. Seven years. I live with it. Sometimes I wake up. I don't talk to anybody for a day. Sometimes I'm not in a week. This is what I have to live with.
Starting point is 01:30:31 Wow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. That was such a great performance. Can you do that in your Michael Laira voice? Oh, my goodness, here we go. Let's go. It's over, Rambo.
Starting point is 01:30:51 Nothing's over. This show is completely out of control, ladies and gentlemen. This is unbelievable. next week we will be pouring boiling water on Michael Laird. This is very exciting. I'm kidding. Michael, come back here and take a bow. Come back here.
Starting point is 01:31:36 Roll backwards. Jeremiah Watkins and Michael Lair. That went. Jeremiah. Oh, no, Rambo's dead. Rambo doesn't die. Come on, Rambo. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:31:47 What a performance. Both of you. Way above and beyond. That is better than any Rambo movie I've ever seen, what you guys did here tonight. Get the camera on these guys. Look at this, I mean, just incredible. Absolutely.
Starting point is 01:32:06 I do believe the next Rambo he is in a wheelchair, so we're really ahead of the curve on this one. Incredible performance, gentlemen. I think it's really tough to decide. How many of you think, by round of applause in this room, how many you think Michael Lairr won that? That's pretty good. How many of you think Jeremiah Watkins won that?
Starting point is 01:32:32 Actually, that's pretty close. You know what? We're going to pour boiling water on both of them next week. Yeah. How exciting. An unbelievable performance. Michael Layercom. Jeremiah Wonders on social media.
Starting point is 01:32:50 Jeremiah Watkins on social media. Jeremiah Wonders is his podcast. He's got a big one this week. teamed up with Adam Ray. make a little bit of a Dr. Phil meets the billionaire who you saw earlier. It's very, very, very fun stuff
Starting point is 01:33:05 he's doing over there on Jeremiah Wonders. Go check out Michael Lair's Easter Seals video. Yeah, give him some views, guys. How are your friends, man. Jeremiah is also coming to Raleigh, North Carolina, August 13th, the 15th of Minneapolis, August 26 to the 29th. Those dates are announced,
Starting point is 01:33:21 and they will be canceled as he gets closer to them. But you can buy tickets because he's getting the gift. He's getting the But he will cancel. Whoa, look at the drawn on muscles there. That is impressive. Donnell Rawlings is the host of the Donnell Rawlings show. Our first guest back.
Starting point is 01:33:37 Come on, guys. I mean, seriously. I'm telling you, I really appreciate what you guys doing. This was unexpected. I wasn't booked. I was just hanging out. I wanted to see who was here. I appreciate what you guys are doing.
Starting point is 01:33:50 And all the talent that came to this stage, I know, fucking usually, when you have an audience, you feel it, but to be able to perform, this was almost like producing a TV show. you guys doing a good job of it and you guys doing a good job of keeping the kill Tony Brand alive. Thank you. You absolutely made my night
Starting point is 01:34:06 by popping in here. My man. I mean, I just feel so happy. So thank you so much. I'm positive that the fans of the show lost their minds when we brought out a guest. It's almost a component of the show that everybody forgot about and... And we're dropping our podcast tomorrow, the Don Nair Rawlins show.
Starting point is 01:34:22 That's right. It's a good thing. I'm really having a good time doing. Go subscribe to that. Give it a like, give it a love. And Donno Rawlings, thank you so much. You're the best. The great Jetsky Johnson was here all night. She's on social media, Jetsky Johnson. She's also the owner of the cutest dog in the world.
Starting point is 01:34:39 Squink. Squink. I just did that air with Brian Holtsman, Red Band, one of his other podcasts. It was really fun. I love that. The great Chroma Chris was here on the base all night long. He's at Chroma Chris on social media. What else, Chroma?
Starting point is 01:34:55 What do you think about tonight's episode? Oh, Tony, it was rich, Tony. I fucking knew you were going to say that. And the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Mostly Sorry. He's got a new episode of Mostly Sorry's podcast. Ryan Jay, let's see that drawing. Joel, anything else?
Starting point is 01:35:15 Mostly Sorry podcast with David Deary. We premiered again on Wednesday at 5. Look at that drawing. Oh, my God. Very monopoly-themed. Incredible fucking drawing. Bring that up here. We got to get a look at that.
Starting point is 01:35:30 Again, special thanks to Michael Lair and Jeremiah Watkins. That was much more entertaining than I thought it would be. Very great job, guys. I mean, I believed in you both than all before, but I was just really impressed with your acting. More Jeremiah than Michael, really. I thought Michael was going to do what Jeremiah did and really commit. But Michael Lair made himself laugh halfway through it,
Starting point is 01:35:53 and he will feel the wrath of boiling water on next week's show. Very exciting. Redband? Hey, I got a new show for all you guys that actually like e-bikes. It's called Loopole. It's at Desquod.tv. Wait, you have an e-bike show now? I sure do.
Starting point is 01:36:09 Lean into it, guys. I know it's really cool. It's with Dylan Thompson, who's a really awesome e-biker, so check it out. Wait, e-biking is a thing? Yeah. Is this a joke? No. What?
Starting point is 01:36:24 Do you guys ride bikes on it? We've ridden bikes together. on it. But you guys just podcast? No, we podcast and we pretty much look at all these videos and talk about e-pike news and show. Wow, that's so cool. All right. New episodes of a roastmaster class out every single week. Fun stuff happening over there. That's a patreon.com backslash Hinchcliffe. Tour dates, all of August is being rescheduled. And it looks like September is in the process of being rescheduled as well. So good luck and thank you and sorry. I mean, what do you say during a
Starting point is 01:36:57 pandemic. I don't know. But good luck to all of us and hopefully we'll be back out on the road again soon. Again, thank you, Donnell Rawlings. Incredible stuff. Good night, everybody.

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