KILL TONY - KILL TONY #469 – QUARANTINED #24

Episode Date: August 28, 2020

Jamar Neighbors, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 08/24/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house. artist, he draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to Ryanjeebilt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad.tv. There you got some Desquad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company Live from the Road Famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode to kill Tony, give it up our Tony Hensclare.

Hello everybody. We're here. Another episode of Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store. Welcome, Brian Radbony. Good to be here. We're both wearing black hoodies. Good.

Good to be here at the world famous comedy store live on the sunset strip. Speaking of strip, the great Ryan J.E. Belt is here. This guy knows how to strip down a piece of paper and turn it into an amazing piece He draws every single episode.

He's drawing tonight's episode. All those prints are available, Ryan Jeebelt.com. Follow him on social media. He's also been doing auctions, things like that, incredible stuff as of late. Every tour poster, every episode of the show, every guest that's ever been on, he's drawn it. Ryan J.E.E.E.Belt.com, including the Kill Tony books, a couple of Kiltony shirts, some really cool stuff over there.

Ryan J.E.Belt.com. We're at the comedy store. Things are happening here. They're doing shows out the window, on the patio. things are happening here. The momentum is once again rebuilding at the store, excited for a big up-and-coming return here and other big things happening. But you know what? Before we start tonight's episode, let's get a word. You know, you love the show, and the only way to support us is by supporting our amazing sponsors. And here's a little bit more about tonight's incredible,

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This is very, very exciting. I'm especially excited about tonight's show, because we do have a guest. This young man's been on the show many times. This is truly just like me, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Multiple specials, multiple albums. He's a freak of nature, another comedian that I started with, and I can't wait to hang out with, here tonight on the show.

Once again, it's the return of the great Jamar neighbors, everybody. Yeah. Absolutely. One of my favorites on the planet, Jamar neighbors. Hi guys. Hello, Jamar. Thank you for having me back, Tony. Indeed, I'm glad you're back.

You and I just had fun the other day. We were performing in the window here at the comedy store to the people out on the patio. Packed patio. We did a little fucking duo. Yeah, we got it in real tough. We were like Neil Brennan and Dave Chappelle at the same time if Neil Brennan was funny.

Oh. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Neil, everybody knows you're hilarious. Everybody knows your... Y'all Neil. Everyone knows Neil wrote all the good stuff on that show. Oh, shit.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here. We're going to have so much fun. Hi, Red Band. Hi, how you doing? You guys were awesome the other night, or whenever that was. Thank you, man. I like your microphone, man. Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, made for me and Tony. Some My Little Pony shit, man. That's right. Fuck with that, dude. That's my punk. Indeed. Indeed. We're going to have fun tonight, Jamar.

I'm sure you remember. It's been a little while, but you remember there's a band on this show. Right, right, right, right. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be before the show. We never know what songs they're going to play. We don't ever know anything about them. Let's all find out what they are tonight because they are the best damn band in the land.

It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Walkins, Strollbert, Joel Jimenez, Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, and Kromacharis. Here we go. Oh, this is interesting. Whoa, we know these guys. Oh, my goodness. They are Rastafarians. Oh, my God.

This guy just took a hit of a bowl out here. This is incredible. We have the Rope Snake guy. Very, very famous character in the show's past. How are you Ropes Snake guys? Is Ski-Tah from the island. Brat, Catalina Island. You're from Catalina Island?

Yeah, man. That's normally we're very rich. Do you have rich parents? Yeah, man. What do they do? They own banks. Oh, wow. Okay.

How'd you end up like this? And they didn't give you a lot of attention as a kid? No. I appropriate other people's culture. Wow. Very interesting. What'd you have for breakfast today? French toast crunch.

Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful. And behind you, we have the former leader of the NAACP. Rachel Dola-Zal. Rachel Dola-Zal, that's right. How are you, Rachel? No, man. My name is Kelsey with an eye.

Wow, you don't even have a Rastafarian accent at all. No, mine. I'm just high as fuck. I love it. You're high, huh? How much weed did you smoke today? I don't even know, man. I don't know numbers anymore.

Very exciting. And then clearly next to you, there is a white man wearing a Rastafarian hat with a wig attached. No, I also have an accent, Ma. Oh, wow. What's your name? Name's Rocco. Why? Rocco from the streets, man.

Okay. Okay, Rocco. And then here we have another beautiful girl. This is a beautiful, beautiful. What's your name, young lady? The name's Ethan, man. Oh, wow. Oh, Ethan.

I'm sorry. That hit, Isaac, it's actually CBD, but don't tell anybody. I'm trying to be cool, man. Wow, what does CBD stand for? Can't be done. Wow, very good, Ethan. Can't be done! I'm excited that the Rastafarians are here.

We're going to have that drumbeat. The old Rastafarian rim shot tonight. I'm sure we're going to hear that a lot. I'm excited. Let's just jump right into it. We have a bucket filled with comedian's names. Well, it's not really filled. I mean, let's face it, there is a limited.

Gently put in. Very limited amount of entrance tonight. But before we go to the bucket, why don't we get things kick started with an absolute icon here on Keltony, a guy that everybody knows, a guy that everybody loves, and also some people hate,

but I love him, and I refuse to let the naysayers say that he shouldn't be part of the show any longer. I will always fight for what I believe in, and I fight for this man. Ladies and gentlemen, it's known other than the Big Red Machine, the Tennessee Strangler, the king of the koalas, the great William Montgomery. Jamar, they call me the Tennessee Stranglers. First and foremost, for all the fucking haters out there,

get a load of the set. This is probably going to be one of my best sets. Not sure if you all saw this, but there was an international mixtape competition held a couple days ago in Beirut. The social distancing has really hurt the clown car industry. I was watching American Pie 2 the other day, and apparently there's a deleted scene where they all get AIDS. When the credits roll, the first 24 names are Jewish. director, producer, writer, hairdresser, dog handler, the dog.

What's the difference between Antifa and the Houston Astros? Nothing. They both steal signs and come from a hellhole. Wait, who does? What was that word? The Astros and who? And Intifa. Antifa?

Intifah is how it's pronounced. They both steal signs. And come from a hell. hole. Oh, yeah. Think about it. And feel it all right. Everybody now.

William. William. William, what movie were you talking about? Kirby the Lubbock. Okay. And you saw the credits and it had a Jewish director, writer, producer, hair stylist, dog handler, and. And hairdresser. And dog?

Doeg. Heardresser and dog. You mean dog. Dog. What do you mean, Doug? Yeah, that's the name of the animal. Jamar, do you pronounce it that way? Which one of those jokes were your, was like your favorite one?

The best one? The what? The best one? What did I think was the best one? The Beirut one is my guess. I think you're going to go with the Beirut one. What was my favorite joke from that one? You couldn't wait to tell it in this set.

Which one? Beirut was watching American Pie. two the other day and apparently there's a deleted scene where they all get AIDS. I was excited about that one. What did you think was going to happen when you said it? I thought they were all going to get sick. When somebody gets AIDS, they get sick. Actually.

Not really. I know that Magic Johnson. Yeah. What do you mean Magic Johnson? Who's Magic Johnson? People throw that name around. He's a basketball. Who is that?

He was the first guy. No, seriously. Who's Magic Johnson, Redband? He's a basketball. be a basketball player. Now he's... Now he's what? The face of AIDS?

No, he's a face of AIDS. Actually, a mosquito was the face of AIDS, but he's the second face of AIDS. Tell me about it. Mosquitoes, man. Those things have killed more people than anything else. Like what? Malaria, they carry malaria?

Uh-huh. What else do they carry? They carry your bags if you're like, traveler. Oh. They carry your bags if you're a light traveler? I don't get that one. You want to explain that one? No, shut up.

You want to explain that one? Wow, you're very angry tonight. Yeah, I'm angry tonight. Why are you telling me to shut up good vibes only? Oh, Rudebite. What'd you say? Oh, Rudebite. Rubarb.

Oh, Rudebite. Oh, Rudebite. Oh, Rudey. Oh, the cordy-branca. Tony. Beirut is actually my favorite baseball player. Beirut. What do you mean? Babe Ruth. Babe Ruth?

Do you want to take that again, you bitch? I'm not lying. I would fuck you up. If you look at the video again after these airs, there was a mosquito that landed on William while he was talking. I know. I saw that. You saw that? It landed on your beard.

That's fucked up, man. What do you mean it landed on my beard? Oh, shit. Hold on. Put your head back. Take your head back. Go to the right. Go to the right.

You got the right. Wait, go back. Hold on. Stop moving. Do you all see that shit? William, move slower. It's right next to your eye mons. Stop.

There it is. There it is. What is that? A mosquito soul. There's something like on the light or something. No, it's a mosquito. What do you mean something on the light? Is something wrong with my face?

Stay right there. Don't move. Now move a little bit towards Ryan. Listen to my direction. Move your head a little bit towards Ryan. Nope. Don't look at Ryan. Move your head towards Ryan.

Nope. Move your body. My eyes? Let's try this. My body. Move your body towards. Nope. Not that way.

What do you mean? Like go that way. Nope. Watch me. Don't turn. Just there. Wait, it's right there. Don't move.

Don't move. Yeah. Do you see it? What the fuck is that? Do you all see that? Damon. Do you see that? Nope, William.

What did I tell you? Don't move. Stay right there. Put your chin down. Jamar, give my back on this. Jamar, give my back on this. What are they talking about? That mosquito soul.

Mosquito soul. Damon, is that in the light? It's like a saloet of a mosquito. You fix your lights, you bitch. No, you're not allowed to call staff members that name. Sorry, gentlemen. Well, he tripped me last night. No, that's about.

He didn't trip you. Yeah, he tripped me last. a bug on the lights or is that on his head? Yeah, what's going on with the lights up there? That's hilarious. Whose sweet little voice was that? It's flying in the beams.

What bitch just said that? William, you can't just call random stuff. I'm one edge, Tony. I'm sick, man. You know I'm sick right now. I got 104. Oh, God. I got 104. I'm an asymptomatic character and I've been kissing people.

Yeah, who have you kissed lately? David Deary, he's a known faggot. Oh, my God. William. Look at him. Look at his fingers by his penis. That guy knows what's up. I'm going to be kissing him tonight.

No, don't walk that way. All right. Well, William, what's been going on in your personal life? How's your relationship with the girl that hits you? Last night, honestly, last night she called me her brother, and I started calling her. I don't know. My older sister.

Yeah, what's that noise? Was that supposed to help Red Band? Cool. That was fun. Jamar, would you agree that's funny? He did that fucking noise? Jamar, what do you think about William? Like, just as a whole?

Yeah, as a whole. I don't know. You want to look at my thing? No, like sometimes he's annoying, but sometimes he's, like, funny. Yep. No, I agree. That's exactly right.

I think 100% of people would agree. with that. Is that it, Jamar? But that's, but that's, but that came from. Is that really what you're going to say? It is so bizarre. I told you that shit every time I see you. I know and I hear it. Yeah.

So then hear it. And we're in quarantine. Oh my God. What do you do like when you're normal? I am skating around the Eastgate, uh, shopping mall in Memphis. I love that. I love that peanut butter colored t-shirt you're wearing. It's so in style.

It's more of a burnt orange. A lot of people wearing pumpkin pie this time of the year. Pumpkin pie. What did you call it, a peanut butter color? It's more of a... Did you really call it that? Yeah, he did. Piece of shit.

Would you agree with that, Jamar? What would you call this one? Rusted orange? Pumpkin pie. Orange juice left out for a week. Pumpkin old spice. Flint, Michigan Water. Flint, Michigan Water.

Yeah. Why are you all? all teaming up against me tonight. It looks like you're a bitch. On the floor is lava. Why are you all teaming up against me? It looks like a beautiful shirt, man. What's going on here?

Why is this happening? Look how weak his knees look. Yeah, you do. You do have. Have you suffered serious knees? What do you mean? I have strong knees. Your knees look like little bitches.

Look at them. You're getting roasted by the Lance Armstrong. What of yours look like? One's broken and it still looks better in the nose. Well, your oriental girlfriend when she was sucking your dick in the glory. All right, all right. Her knees look good. We're not going to go down this road again.

Keep going. Your girlfriend looks oriental because she's crying all the time. Oh, perfect. Thanks. Why did that get that response? Redmond. What happened there? Lit William up.

Damn, Red. You just got lit the fuck. Why did you do that? me, Red Man? Damn, right. Why'd you do that to me? Oh, my God. Jamar, I've been thinking about

holding the microphone this way. Do you like it? All right, there goes William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. Another solid week with William. One love. Let's get together and feel all right.

All right. The show has begun. William has begun it. It has been begun. And he is begone. William. I love you, William. Montgomery.

Sometimes. Pulled a name out of the bucket. Yeah, exactly. It's a love, love hate. He actually called me the other night and kept me on the phone for about 30 minutes. If you're wondering how many people call me, just out of the blue,

I believe it was about 11.30 at night. Why would you answer that? I don't know. Sometimes I get a call from someone like that, and I'm like, okay, well, maybe they're about to kill themselves. And if so, I'm going to. again, why wouldn't you? I'm going to save them if the off chance that they're going to kill themselves.

You think William would kill us so? No. Just as liver. No, I don't think so. But I also think that maybe he needed to get bailed out of prison. Like, there's a lot of things. He's got a wild. He's a real rock start.

Like what you see with William is what you get. All right, man. He's an accidental overdose candidate for sure. 30 minutes, highs and lows in the conversation. He's making me laugh a lot. I'm infuriated. at some points explaining to him some rules at the comedy store that he's been breaking lately other times he's cracking me up i mean extreme highs and lows in this phone call i can't

stand being on the phone especially at 1130 at night it ended up not being a suicide call at all or a jail bailout he was asking me if when things if when things open up again if he can open for me on the road was the bread and butter of this conversation. And did you go, oh, hell now? What was your answer? That's exactly what I said. Oh, hell now! Can you call me one time at 11.30 at night, William?

Oh, boy, he's asking for the number. I'll give it to you after the show, man. We'll see. If you... Yeah. But... You want to do my apartment show? All right. There you go. Got it. You booked. There you go. See? That's that's that's that's me getting you a gig. That's gonna hold you over for the years until you open up for me.

You're welcome. I pulled a name out of the bugger. This should be exciting. I believe this young man's been on the show before. Make some noise for Brandon Beterstadt, everybody. Here we go. Brandon Beterstadt. What's up everybody? So I was at the grocery store earlier today and I was buying comments. condoms, and I noticed that there were some sheepskin condoms. I started thinking, the guy who invented sheepskin condoms might have been a pervert. Like, what was that business meeting like? Oh, latex, it's not going well. People are complaining.

It doesn't feel good. Does anyone have any ideas? Well, sheepskin feels pretty fucking good. Hey, Bill, I got to ask, how the, do you know that? So I've been pretty into this Black Lives Matter thing. I'm learning a lot. I think mainly I've learned that white people suck. Here's just a couple reasons that what I think white people suck.

White people suck because they put more effort into contacting aliens than learning Spanish. Do you know how many white dudes speak Klingon? That's a made-up language to speak to only. Only other white dudes. White people suck because they get more mad when you misgender their dog than a trans person. He's a good boy. Apologize to Cooper. Little thing is going to be all right.

Welcome to the show Brandon Beterstadt. Thank you. Where are you originally from? I'm from a small town in Iowa. In Iowa. What's the name of the small town? Newton, Iowa. Newton, Iowa.

How long have you lived in Los Angeles? I'm at five years. How far east? of LaBreya do you live? Very far east. I'm right in Chinatown, as you would expect. So that's about 15, 20 minutes east of LaBrea, for those of you that don't know your Los Angeles landscape.

I could tell because that's what someone that would write a joke about learning a lot from Black Lives Matter would be from. That's exactly where they would be. People between La Brea and La Cienega would not... Is that street change now? Like recently, it seems like it's... kind of down the street. Comedy store legend, I just want to wave to him

and say hello. The great Argus Hamilton popping his head through the door. Hello, sir. Good to see you. We're doing an episode of Kill Tony here. Argus is a legend. Record holder for most appearances all time on the Tonight Show as a comedian and a great, great

uncle to us all. And wearing Steve Martin's jacket. That is awesome. He is a rock star. It's not. dirty, no nothing. He ain't spilled a spaghetti sauce on it. Nope, he keeps it clean. Thank you so much, Argus.

I love it. Just performed through the glass. Yeah. That's it. I love it. We're doing it. Hey, whatever it takes for us to It's crazy, right? I know. That's why I've just been blowing dudes to get by for money.

We love you, Argus. Thank you. Follow them on social media. Some say that jacket's actually black and that's just a bunch of cocaine. Okay, red band. This is going well. What's his name, Beater Snap? Beater Stat. Peter O.

What did you say about white people be doing what? White people put more effort into contacting aliens than learning Spanish. And is that because you do these things? And then so, like, does that go for you too? Oh, that's a great point. I am a white person. Do you put more effort in contacting aliens actually and I don't believe in aliens

so I am an observant of my fellow whites oh so you're just criticizing what very few white people do and make oh bullshit there are plenty of whites that are obsessed with aliens Tony I thought she was being real I've actually

I've heard that joke red band if you're gonna burp please like just don't turn your head in my direction and burp like it's like very bizarre to do that there's all of that way and really just like burping. I didn't breathe out yet. Like you're at home. I think it's a difference to like we're in Los Angeles.

So there are white people who speak Spanish here. But I'm from Iowa where there's two dudes who speak Spanish and not well. And I'm one of them. You should always wear a silver jacket. That's exactly what I was going to say. It's so funny you mentioned. I thought those were going to be the next words out of my mouth. I picture a silver jacket and you just fucking slaughter.

Have you thought about this at all? No, but I will never perform again without one. What's your sex life like? I haven't been laid in almost a year, but this weekend I'm going to get laid a bunch. How do you know that? I'm going to like a quarantine fuck shack thing. Where is this at?

You're not invited. I know you said Black Lives Matter two seconds ago. go, what the fuck? Only white people allow. You don't want him to ruin all that pussy before you have it? I have more to learn, I guess. Tell us about this fuck shack, Brandon. Oh, it's, uh, on Airbnb, if you guys want the link to it later, it's, uh, I believe

$130 a night. It's one of the better fuck shacks in Victorville, which is close to Big Bear, but not in Big Bear. Hold on, hold on. This is weird. This is real shit. I've actually heard this from somebody that we all know pretty well. that they go to

I want to hear more about this. Let's hear more about this. Keep going. Tell us more, Brandon. Have you done this before? It's been a year, dude. No. It's been a year since you've done an Airbnb fuck shack?

No, I used to have regular sex. But now it's kind of one of those things where I had to get tested yesterday to convince this girl to fuck me. Like, it's a different time. So you had to convince a girl who's going to be at the fuck shack? To go to the fuck shack. Well, the fuck shack is a little old place.

We can fuck together And the fuck shack baby It's the fuck shack baby It's the fuck shack baby Are there gonna be So you have to convince a girl To go with you to the fuck shack Are there other bitches at this fuck shack?

And why would she make you get tested? You seem like you would have negative Like you would cure STDs if you fucked somebody I didn't have to get tested for STDs. Oh, would you have to get tested? COVID, yeah, yeah. Jesus, that's so dumb. You could totally catch Corona before that.

I agree, but you can also cure most STDs in no time. So you have to bring a girl to this fuckshack in order to come. That's why you're asking her. I thought it was like a porn. Like you'd have to get tested for STDs before going to a fuckshack. No. No, that's not. Just like B-Y-O-B type shit.

It's pretty much like all the massage parlors that used to be fuck shacks during the quarantine have all got together rented Airbnb's and like... So there's going to be a gang of Asian bitches there? It's going to be one chick. I'm just worried because she doesn't... What's the ethnicity of the girl that you're interested in having sex with? Well, this one's going to be white. Have you ever been with any other type of woman?

I've been with one black chick. Yeah, really? I love it. And a Hispanic chick. Did she rape you or like, how did that happen? Did you romance a black woman? I cannot picture this for the life of me. She out of any girl I've ever been with is that.

the one who like freaked out the most to find out that have a belly button ring like she black chicks aren't down with that wait a second hold it's raining bad you have a belly button ring no i i got it pierced when i was like 17 do you have a tribal tattoo around the no that'd be gay the sun so is it still pierced it's actually harder to take out than keep in he named it pierced you got that See it right now? Yeah, let me see this shit. You're trying to be at the fuck,

Shaq, you're trying to get me in dress. We gotta see the belly button ring. Oh, wow, he's starting unbuttoning at the nipples for this. This is very high unbuttoning. This is by far the fattest I've ever been. That's okay. We know.

We can tell through the shirt. What the fuck. Oh, here we go. Oh, my. Oh, my. This nigga got a... This is un- This nigga,

look like Shakira. Chiquira in the house Bara, bra, bra. Oh my God, no, no, no, please leave it on button. This is incredible. And it got hair tangled in it. Oh, my God. You're so hairy, and that is, like, a two...

For those of you just listening to the podcast, there's like a gem at the bottom and a gem at the top. I'm stunting. It is unfucking believable this thing. What is it? What's hanging from the... Is it? Here's the thing.

Girls won't fuck me if I have a dangley. So this is just a regular old belly button ring. So wait, you've had a dangly before? And they can hear it like making noise. Oh. Girls won't fuck me if I have a dangley because this is all my pubes. Gereaux so dangly when I'm going down on a girl. I'm going down on a girl.

Okay, thank you. Thank you. That shit looks like it stink. Yeah, it looks like there's a dream catcher in the middle of it. Does I still have the price tag on it from Forever 21? Brat, br-br-a! I mean, it is so bizarre. Do you do that to be funny?

Like, why do you still have that? Why do you do that? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? Is it to be funny? You tie balloons to it? It's not for material. You only do it for the laughs, right? Yeah, yeah.

Yep, that's 100%. Does it make you feel good in any way? I feel less homophobic in a weird way. What? Less homophobic. How homophobic were you before? Clearly not like that homophobic. You're from a small town in Iowa.

No, but that's the best part is like, yeah, in small town of Iowa, this is like fucking anarchist shit. Do your father know? Are you close with your father? Yeah, my dad. He lives in a small town in Iowa, right? My dad knows. He texted me.

He's a high school football coach. My dad has given me a conversation multiple times where it's okay to be gay even though I'm not. He's just like, if you want to come out, man, I wouldn't even care. Right. No, I would imagine so. What does he do? My dad is a salesman. Is he really?

He sells belly button piercing. He's always been a salesman. He's switched jobs, but what was that? Selling shit. He sells belly button piercing. They got on piercing. I'd have a nicer one probably. How many different belly button attachments do you have? Seven or eight.

Seven or eight? Oh my God, you're like a video game character. Is that your pretty one? No, no. Like I said, the girls. don't like the privy ones, but my favorite one. What is that then? I see it's sparkling like an engagement ring.

They all sparkle. They don't sell non-sparkling. You could have a black one in there or something like cool. Those of you just joining the show, this guy has a belly button piercing. For those of you that have been watching the whole time, it's still there. He still has it. How long have you had this for? Nine years. Nine years.

I'm calling the police. Dude. Tony. I'm about to call the police. Kroba Chris said that's a lot of cum, Chris, around that. Are you going to wear that belly button ring to the fuck shack? Are you going to wear, like, your favorite one? Yeah, she's one of the specific girls who does not like the dangling.

And you moved from Iowa five years ago. Yeah. Has your father ever seen your belly button piercing? He saw it the first day. Yeah. What did he say? He said, do not get another piercing without telling me. Well, where else could you even get pierced?

be that offense. His nipples. Obviously, I was done. It was a one and done. I'm not going to escalate. So the only piercing you've ever had in your life was your belly button. What made you do that? I think it's funny.

It was nine years ago. It seemed kind of funny. You didn't do that because it was funny. And nine years later, you still think it's funny. Nine years, it's got a pretty funny. It is kind of funny. It is funny. It's funny.

It's funny. I don't think he got as funny. Why is that not enough of a reason with your fucking comedians? Hey, no, I'm telling you, I think it's funny. I don't pull it out in sets almost ever. Interviews that comes up more often. Hey man, look, man. Let me ask you this.

What else have you done like that that's funny? Like, what else have you done? In high school, if people would cheer my name, I would eat bugs. What kind of bugs would you eat? The most famous, like, notorious Brandon bug eating situation was in front of, like, the whole football crowd. Someone had caught a giant praying mantis. all cheered my name and I ate the whole... You ate the Lord's a bug.

I hadn't even thought about it. That's crazy. It's true. But yeah, honestly, I know you guys would probably think that would make me like the loser, but man, people still talk about that shit, dude. No, I love it. Oh, yeah. Are you in the yearbook? Yes, actually, I'm in the yearbook.

Well, as what? As what? School shoot up. Br-bra. Wow. I'm playing mantises. You're funny, man. So this fuck shack, there's going to be one girl there that you really want to. How long have you been communicating with this girl that you're looking forward to having sex with this weekend?

She's my ex. So like, what? How long did you guys date for? A year. How long have you been broken up for? Almost two. And how long have you been communicating about going to the fuck shack? Three weeks because we fucked like three weeks ago.

Oh. I just asked you how long it's been since you had sex and you said a year ago. We had. It had been a year since that three weeks and then I convinced a girl to go fuck Shaq. Where did you fuck her three weeks ago? At my buddy's house. Where in your buddy's house? On their bed.

Was your buddy there? No, no. He was out of town. He said I could stay there to watch his dogs. and uh okay and you and you brought a girl over your ex and you guys had sex were the dogs in the room with you were the dogs there no actually i wouldn't let them be in the room they're big dogs were they were not corn dogs they about two feet long german shepherd were they bredded on the outside okay uh is iowa state fair reference thoroughbreded so how many people do you think are going to be at

the fuck shack i think it's pronounced shake shack look at him it's it's gonna be get away it's gonna be a romantic one-on-one so it's just two people so what i'm gonna fuck in it and that like that's the plan are there other people that are going to be there no oh you got talking about i don't i didn't use the word orgy no you said i don't know a fuck you said the fuck shack and that's a known thing that people have like like fuck parties and he's a i'm actually it's a fuck shack baby yeah i i thought that was It was more of an innocent song to be on it. Play it, please, yeah.

Get your belly button pierced at the fuck shock. All right. I can put it away now, right? No, leave it out forever. For the rest of the night, even in your Uber ride home, you have to have your shirt up like that. So I can't believe you said fuck shack.

You didn't just say, we're renting an Airbnb, I'm planning a fuck her. Yeah, nigga, you're not cool. No, no, I have a belly. Like, I thought he was a bull at all. It's not a fuck shack. I don't even think you have the entire.

higher place on Airbnb. There's probably going to, I feel like you probably budgeted it out. You're like one room available shared bathroom. No dogs, cats, belly button piercings? The host said that she would be there for check-in only, so. Oh my goodness. Well, this has been so much

fun. We spent way too much time with you. In seven years, over 2,000 people pulled out of this bucket. You are the first male with the belly button piercing and we squeezed all we could out of you. Brandon Beaterstad, everybody. There he goes.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Incredible. My mind is blown. Josh, have you ever seen anything like that in your whole life? It's a real hairy belly button, Pierce. Tyree's had one. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, but he can fuck it. Cisco probably had one too. Oh, yeah, Cisco had one too. Guys that can, like, pour water on themselves and be attractive to women can get away with it. But Brandon Beaterstap doesn't have a lot. He was literally a vacuum. I don't, whatever that means.

What a belly button for you. I'll tell you this next comedian definitely does not have his belly button pierced. I can pretty much get damn well guarantee that. This guy is a tough guy. He's a tough cookie. He's a roast god. He's a great joke writer. Great comedian.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's David Lucas. They see me rolling. It's David. That's David's music. Luke. Yeah. I think eating ass is for guys that need a place to live. But due to boredom, my girl convinced me to eat her ass during quarantine.

It was cool. The shit was like licking on a kneecap. Booty holes in kneecaps got the same type of skin. But while I was eating her ass, can you believe that this bitch farted? Four years down the drain over a poot. And that bitch had been eating Mexican food earlier. It felt like I got pepper sprayed. That shit was spicy as fuck.

Like, bitch, I've been pepper sprayed and pepper spray was better. Black people stopped being valuable to white people after Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. After they made something that could pick cotton faster than us, they had no more need for us. I don't know why I like that joke. Hey. Red bear shaking his head. Yeah. Bum, boom, boom,

boom, bough, bong, bong. There you go. Eating ass during the quarantine. You didn't like that red bha? I mean. Harsh. I mean, a white person. Did you really eat this girl's ass?

Like, you don't like eating us? No, nigga, I didn't eat no ass. There was an ass and a fart in this 60 seconds. So we're going to let our correspondent red band take over. over here. Oh, two fart noises. Two farts, brach. The cardinals, the fardinals.

You don't like eating ass? Nah, bro, that shit. You like eating pussy? Only time I've ate ass is by accident because the ass is only an inch away from the bottom of the pussy. I mean, that's not how it works. That's the only time when I've been drunk and I'm eating pussy wildly in my tongue. David accidentally eats anything that's an inch away from anything. I mean, her pussy's not like a little hole.

It's like this thing. You have to kind of open up and get in there. How'd you, whatever. Some bitches got outer, like, some bitches' Pussies are inverted and some are, like, out. Some of them are hangers. Some of them are bangers. That's what I always say.

I'm scared of big clits. Yeah, why are you scared of them? Because I don't be knowing that he used to be a nigger. You know what I'm saying? Wait, say that again? Because I'd be having, like, strange feelings in my head. Like, did this bitch get a dick cut off and get her shit tucked? Whoa, you're that afraid of being with someone

that used to have a dick. Big clit. Br-ha-B-B-A-B-A. Big Clitz, one of my favorite rappers from the cat. I mean, if I fuck a trans... What they call it? Trans-gender. Trans-Nor.

Trans-no, transformer. I'll be trans. What they call it? Just trans. A-he. You had it at trans. No need to add anything more. If I fuck a trans, I want it to be known up front, not me discovered.

Exactly, Joy. Right. So what would happen? What do you think would happen if you were with a woman? And let's say... let's say she's like, fuck me, and you walk in, and she says that, and she's already bent over, and you fuck her, and then, like, you're like, all right, I want to see you, and you flip her over, and there's just a giant cock and balls there.

So what would happen then? Yeah, I get charged with a hate crime. For real? What do you think you would do? Your first move's just a punch? No, I probably fucking slam that bitch head in a sink. Seriously, like, if you came, and then you found out. If I came, I'm going to be very mad.

Really? Hell yeah. So you'd be more mad if you came than if you didn't come? Especially if the pussy was good. What if, okay, let me ask you this. Hold on, hold on everybody. I can't believe you made me come. Hold on, hold on.

Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. So let's say you fuck this girl, right? Or whatever, right? And you have sex and you come on, say, her back, right? Yeah. And then, but she, like, doesn't even roll over, right? And you're just sort of hanging and then you get excited again.

Maybe she says something, right, that turns you on and you start fucking her again, right? And then let's say you come again. right you pull out shoot on her back again right you lay down for a bit and you can't even believe it but 15 minutes later you get hard again you start fucking her again you come again would you be more mad coming three times coming once or coming twice or coming twice when does it become like you know what i fell in love with you on that third time i don't feel like that would happen to me but let's say hypothetically oh i think it would you tricked me you dick vixen So the thing is, if I'm going to fuck a girl and she got a dick,

that means I don't know her because I'm going to definitely use a condom. But if I know a girl like 24 hours, I don't use condoms, bro. Wait, 24 hours is the limit? Yeah, because I ask a lot of questions. 24 hours? And you're like, all right, you pass the questionnaire. Condoms are out the window. How do you ask a...

Well, let me... Hold on. I'm sorry to cut you off. What if you haven't known her for 24 hours? She hasn't made it through the questionnaire. there, right? And you're like, oh, I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to put this condom on.

And she's like, all right, give me one too. Would you stop there or would you just pretend like you didn't hear that? I'm going to stop and DDT that bitch. DDT? Oh, my God. That's a, yeah, what's crazy about that move is that they end up with their doggy dick, dug that bitch. Yeah, you're going to say, dunk that dick?

What are you doing? What's DTD? DDT? Yeah. DTD is what you do. Look, perhaps have you thought about this? Have you thought about

roasted? I know. I don't even know what it is still. He's just saying gibberish now and going, boom. A DDT is a rasseling move. Yeah, it's a fucking... Brian, you ask more questions about world famous things than anybody I know.

I mean, if six-year-olds were here, they would tell me, but... Question for... Grown adults. Literally everyone here knows what a D. tell you how long it take the ball, udon, noodles. Three minutes. Question.

Okay, so have you ever thought about perhaps, you know, coming up with your own ways of saving your pride in this situation? Perhaps you have sex with a woman who turns out to be a man. She tells you that she's a man, right? After you have sex with her and you be like, well, there's something I didn't tell you, I'm blind and deaf. So I didn't hear or see any of that. I came.

Shit. I will say this, bro. I will say this about three years ago, or three or four years ago, and I first got on All-Def Digital, a tranny did hit me up. But the bit was so bad, I didn't know she was a tranny.

And she worked for the airline, so we almost literally, like, hooked up. Holy shit. But it was like two weeks before she was about to get my ticket, and she's like, I got to tell you something. I was born a man. Oh. Damn.

Oh. Fuck. What airline, Transcontinental? I think the bit working on Alaska Oriental Air? Never mind. What would you guys do if you fucked a if you fucked a girl and then

afterwards you came and everything they she said like hey I used to be a guy what would you guys do? I would probably be like oh you got me once and get out of the next day. Red Ben's going to order Uber Eats. And you want some noodles or rice? You go still talk to the bitch

You would order Uber eats, postmates, DoorDash, you'd order it all All right, man, get this one. So you're asking if a girl was like I used to be a guy. If you fucked her and then you came And then she said afterwards, what would you guys do? I'd be like,

I would cry And then I would call myself a fag for like for like it'd be like I feel like the rest of my year or life I'd probably become celibate on some real shit I'll stop having sex

I would tell my family yeah you totally stop having sex yeah you wouldn't fuck something three days later you're right once those balls reach maximum level you'd be hitting her up again be like hey can we do that again

but this time don't tell me about the part where you used to be a guy bro that shit was suck like if you literally bygones be bygones if you fuck a trans trans it's transgender oh my god this is like the movie sequel to arachnophobia transphobia

I'd be like that was great you want to go to the fuck shack tomorrow if you fucking trans and the pussy be good that I'm gonna house that shit would like turn me into an alcoholic I'm gonna have so many questions like have I been doing this shit wrong my whole life. And you ain't got worried about getting the bitch pregnant? Like, nigga, that is almost a W. Nope. Well? Nope. I don't feel like it is

dog. I don't feel like it is at all. Can trans pussy get STDs? That means that a nigga just fuck the shit out of you. How you feel about that? Well, no, I don't think anybody's getting fucked. I'm pretty sure you know that they used to be a man if they fuck you. If they throw a dick in your ass, I'm pretty sure.

Why is your pussy in my bottle right now? And why are you wearing my Jordans? Bitch, those are my shoes. Why is your best of sin? That's why I'd be scared of women with big hands and big feet. For real? Yeah, don't ask me, sex. Ask me shoe size.

Yeah. Let me see them knuckles, bitch. Damn, is that how it works? Yeah, I got to own rustle a bitch. If she beat me, you get it. Over the top became over the bottom. I always used to look at Adam's apples because I thought that was a thing. No, that's old school, bro.

But Randbans started looking at candy apples. And you bought him And ate him Oh my God Rosed Hey man You bought him It ain't roasted chicken

Oh my god Well this has been a lot of fun Hell yeah You just had a nigga with a belly button ring Yeah He got down He looked like somebody I picked on in high school Really?

If a nigga ate a bug I would be like hey bro come holl at me Bring him in the locker room And beat his eye Why would you beat his ass? That's hilarious. He's not even a trans person. Because that's what kids need nowadays.

They need to get bullied a little bit and they'll be a little tougher. No, you need to film him, eat that bug, put on YouTube and make some money, man. Yeah. All right. David. Get the money, Dave. Fun, very fun interview. I love this.

Thank you so much. The great David Lucas, everybody. David Lucas, funny? On social media. Make sure you're following up. Great videos. Great jokes. things steer it up.

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Consult with a physician before you have a serious medical condition and use prescription medications. The doctor's advice should be sought before using this and any other supplemental dietary product. All right, back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Oh, wow. This young lady has been on this show numerous times. It's been a very long time. She's a writer.

She's an employee at the comedy store. It's been a very long time since she's been on. We're excited to have her back. Here she is, everybody. It's Joy Eileen. Here we go. Joy Eileen. Here's Joy Eileen, everybody.

So my mom just told me that she doesn't trust magicians because they lie. She also told me she doesn't like bisexual people because they can't make up their mind. And this is from a lady who cannot do. decide if she wants tacos or hot dogs for dinner. I signed up for a Zoom workout class, but I told the lady that my camera was broken, so then I just watch her workout and eat chips. I can't watch my 600-pound life because I get saucy and think I'm hot. I cannot wait till thrift stores open again because everybody's been cleaning out their cloths. and dine?

Let's see. I don't eat a... Oh, fuck that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Quality. Very fun.

There you go. There you go. Abs the fucking Looley. That's where that went on. Yeah. Okay. There you go. There you go.

Very good. Thank you. Skeeter. Okay. Joy Eileen is back on the show. Fun stuff there. Magicians, bisexuals. Your mom's like that?

Yeah, she is. How old is she? She is 67. Where does she live? Madeira, Fresno. Fresno? Oh, okay. Yeah.

Okay. Where I went to college. That's north of Los Angeles by about what? Four hours, five hours? Three hours. Three hours. Yeah. That's fun.

And that's where you were raised? Yes. I actually went to Fresno State. A lot of windmills up there? No. No. All right. What's Fresno known for?

Meth. Yes. Bulldogs. Yeah, well, yeah, bulldogs. But, yeah, Shark the Shark the Shark. Shark the Tark. He was a basketball coach. Oh, yeah.

He's. Tarkesian? Yeah, he threw shit. Yeah. Yeah, he got really mad at me once because I asked one of those basketball players to break into my car. Why? Because I locked my keys in my car. And I was like, hey, you look like you could break into cars. And he told me not to talk to his players like that.

Was it a black guy? Yeah. You look like you break into cars? Yeah. Jammar, what do you think about this? You're a senior black guy. If a white woman asked you to break into her car, what would you do? You break into it for me.

I would like, what do I get? Yeah. I love to break up pussy. I love that big pussy. I too, much like you talked about, I too love watching my 600-pound life. I mean, that is my thing. A thousand-pound sisters. Have you seen this show?

No. Unfucking believable. Unbelievable. When the quarantine started, I got down on this. Thousand Pound sisters just unbelievably grotesque human beings. Jeremiah, I see you nodding along here. They call each other fat, and then the other one looks at them and so, bitch, you're not a prize. Right.

Exactly. I mean, these two women are just humongous, humongous white women. Jamar, your thoughts about this. You're a senior black correspondent. These are two. Thousand-pound white house. Yeah. And they just in the crib all day naked.

Well, not naked. Oh. But very easy access. Oh. I mean, clothes-wise. What they do for a living? Nothing. But they get money somehow?

Yeah, from the government, yeah. One of them can't get out of bed until she's had, I believe, three cans of soda. She's so, she's so addicted to soda that she has to literally drink it to get out of bed. What's the soda? Are they, they're white? I think it's just regular Pepsi or Coca-Cola. Are they thick or fat? They are both.

Oh, they are. I'll fuck the thick part. Yes. Yes, Jamar. She's a thousand-pound thick woman. A perfect big booty. Two giant booms and go out to here. Perfect frame.

How tall is she? Nine feet tall. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They don't necessarily get much. working out in the only working out that they do on thousand pound sisters or my 600 pound life is e-bikes what is that it's an electric bicycle i'm just kidding oh that's funny it's a that joke's super lasting it's super what super hilarious the first time and the last five six

seven eight weeks yeah no it's great it's going to be funny he's for eternity the e-bike for eternally funny. E-bike is funny. I should get it. Tom and Christina just talked about it last week. Yeah, because they like electronic bike salsa. It's just a bicycle with a battery. How many pounds are these girls lost?

None. Their show is not about losing weight. Sometimes they'll try to lose weight, and it's very easy for them to lose weight. They basically have to do nothing except stop eating pies. Just if they, like, take a break from eating pies, literally eating pies. If they take just a few days off of eating pies,

they lose like 30 pounds because their body's so used to just pies and so much other shit. How old are these girls? I would guess probably like 30s in their 30s. They're not dead. No, they're close. They got diabetes.

One of them's closer than the other. The one that's, and one has a forehead that protrudes out. And the other one has, Two eyes that look opposite directions. Which one would you fuck? If you had to choose. Well, I mean, you know, that forehead is pretty intriguing. Let's face it.

And the pie. You know what I mean? You get to roll over, eat some pie. I always wonder, like, if you, like, how they clean themselves. But, like, if they ever, like, lifted a tit up, if they're just mushrooms and shit growing under you? Did they have kids? Oh, you just made Skeeter sick to his stomach, man.

They got kids and shit. boyfriends? They do have a boyfriend. There's one creepy guy that sort of like... White guy? He just, yeah. Is it belly button chain guy? Oh, actually, you know what?

One does have a skinny black man boyfriend that comes in once in a while. I remember now. Really? Yeah. Oh. It's incredible. It's incredible. It's just mind-boggling.

You ever watch Thousand Pound Sisters? No, I've never seen that one. Yeah. I can't... I love your thrift store joke. That's a very accurate, too. I didn't even think about that. Unfortunately, two thrift stores in Burbank just closed down because you can't pay rent when you're already making thrift store money, I guess.

But they get grants, wouldn't you think? Goodwill does, I think. How long you've been doing comedy, Jay? Five years. Oh, okay, cool. On and off, though. More off than on because I have kids. You started in Fresno?

No, I started here. On Kill Tony. Yeah. Well, I did it a couple times before Kill Tony, but I bombed so fucking hard on that stage the first time I got. pulled up. Oh. Yeah, it was bad. What happened?

Who was here? Frankis Dio and Mike Lawrence. Yeah, it was right when Frank had won, and I got up there. I don't know, because when you first do it, you don't bomb. You know, like your first set, like, I feel if you bombed your first set, you wouldn't do it again. So I did it, and I had all of this fucking confidence, like a fucking idiot, and I got up there and nobody laughed.

And then I made fun of Pat, and everybody laughed, and you were like, you can leave now and I was like fucking thank you okay that's crazy how you've been spending the quarantine you have kids I have kids freckled dick yeah freckled dick yeah he was all he wanted to come tonight he was like can I can you just sneak me in

he wants to get snuck in with Brad Williams I don't wonder how come they don't do like one of them thousand pound bitch shows like but they also put the midgets and shit in the house and like all that shit that be that be kind of tight Absolutely.

Fucking circus real world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, we should write that. Absolutely. That's what it's coming to. Just mash a bunch of freak shit together. Get a guy in there with a hairy chest and a belly button ring. Yeah, and just let me be in there.

To call it fuck shack. Fuck shack? Yeah. All right. So everything's been good during the quarantine? Yeah, I've actually, I didn't stop. working. The chiropractor didn't close, so I actually haven't stopped working. Yeah. Oh, so you're still giving massages? Yeah. Oh, God. I mean, I had to stop the massage podcast. So John and I started one.

And apparently John's funnier than me, so fuck that. There you go. Everybody who listens to it, they're like, man, John's funny. That's great. Yeah. It's awesome. Fun. I love it. Well, there you go. Well, thank you so much for coming on this evening. Fun times. Joy Eileen, everybody. There she goes. Ah, no. Back to the bucket. Step back from that ledge. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Spencer O'Neill. Here we go. Oh, yeah. Spencer O'Neill, he is coming to the stage. S-P-E-N-C-E-R. O'Neill is his name. Here he is, Spencer O'Neill. Hey, how is it going?

I've been in a bit of a dry spell lately. It's actually gotten so bad that now whenever I hear about a guy who looks like me is getting laid, I'm like, ha, nice. That's us. We're doing that. We are fucking that girl. I recently learned that I can't tell Italian people and gay people apart because they both use their hands so much when they talk. Like the other day, I was talking to a guy and I went to kiss him and he was like,

whoa, what are you doing? I'm Italian. And I was like, oh, my bad. That's awkward. Then I was talking to another guy and I went to hand. I'm a canola and he's like, hey, what are you doing? I'm gay. And I was like, I can't tell you people apart.

This is ridiculous. The pinky rings and the sweats. It's too much. I actually just recently moved. I moved to West Hollywood, if you're not familiar. It's a very Italian neighborhood. Just a bunch of Italian guys going around kissing each other.

They all look like me. So I'm like, nice. We're doing that. We're kissing that guy. All right, that's all I got for this. Wow. Brilliant. Beautiful.

A complete work of art. 58 seconds of absolute tying it all together in great jokes that's fucking awesome Spencer welcome to the show we're happy to have you how long you've been doing stand-up almost seven years awesome where you from Alaska wow how long have you been in LA about a year that is awesome man what part of Alaska Anchorage's the main part my goodness gracious what's it like up there it's cold a lot of mountains yeah you ever go to the charlies or whatever it's called the one of Yeah, I did comedy up there With the underwear room and anything Yeah, they got like a bunch of I moved a little bit after I was like 21 So I didn't go there a lot

But it's kind of a shitty bar Oh yeah, I mean, that was the only place to go to Yeah, yeah, it's like a dirt bar Tell us more about Alaska, ice fishing Like, what were you into? Fishing normal shit I used to go to a small native village with my uncle What was that like?

They hated white people, so it was fun Did you guys drink together? Do I-O-A-O-A- No, what are we talking about? We would go to like a camp on a river and just kill fish and eat them and you would do it with the natives no oh you would hope to not run into natives they just didn't really talk to us are they violent oh are they they were around and they would see you yeah how do you my uncle lived there he would he did a like uh oh he lived there used detention can these native americans get violent towards white people they're

alaskan natives yeah it's different what is that they look they look different just natives yeah i wouldn't really consider did they have igloos i never saw an igloos they got Like shacks. Fuck shacks? Some fuck shacks. Yeah, a lot of fuck shacks. That's incredible. What else about Alaska?

I really don't know that much about. I know there's a lot of salmon there. Alaskan natives. What? What's that? They got big cheeks. You know the craziest thing. Like Eskimos?

Yeah. They're thicker. Oh, they're Eskimos. Yeah, they're Eskimo. Oh, say that. The craziest thing about Alaska, I thought, was like, would do comedy, you know, two shows, whatever. And then it's like two in the morning would come out and just sunlight. It's just like, and there's no, you don't want to go back to your hotel.

You don't want to do anything except like, hey, this is still daylight. It's really fucked up. You're like, it's daylight outside. I should be sleeping right now. Right. Yeah, I was born there, so I never really realized it until I moved here. Like, I moved out of Alaska. But I realize, like, people can't drink outside of Alaska because they all, they'll get

the shit face at like 1130 and then pass out. They all have drinking problems. What's the name brand of those coats that those, uh... Parkas? I'm thinking of Parkas. Yeah. Oh, that those asking. Most people will be wear.

Starter jackets. Starter Jack? North Face. It's a bubble jacket. I think they're made out of like seal and shit. Oh, for real? Oh, and they skin them they sell? Do you ever club a seal?

No. We're not allowed to as white people. Only they are? Only natives can kill seals. Have you ever seen a native kill a seal? No. Not in like person. On video.

Watch a lot of that. Oh, there we go. We have some actual audio coming in from Alaska right now. Oh, Jesus. I've never seen an Eskimo. Are they huge people? No. Oh.

Do you ever see a bear up there? Yeah. You've seen bears? Oh, yeah. Tons of bears. What was that like? Would they ever attack you? I was camping one time when a bear came through the camp.

How about a jungle bird? Have you ever seen a jungle bird? What was a jungle bird? I just realized we haven't heard the bear for so long. Yeah. That's incredible. Have you ever seen a jungle bird? seeing a frog up there?

I think so. You think so? I don't know. Does that noise ring a bell? Sounds familiar. Okay. How about a, how about a body bag?

He's to ask me questions. Okay. Oh, what's velvet? What's that? What's that one? Have you ever seen a velvet? This is beautiful. What is that velvet?

Oh my God. There's things on the soundboard we've never heard before. This is what happens if you follow a guy with a belly button ring, you run out of shit to talk about it. No, you're amazing, Spencer. No, this is super interesting. So tell us more about your life. What do you do for work?

What have you, how you've made money in the past? I was just doing comedy and then quarantine it. So now, just got unemployment. So for that. So how long ago, a year, but like when exactly did you move here? I moved here almost a year ago in July. Right. So.

Were things, things were going good? Yeah, I was doing all right. I was doing better before I moved here. You kind of start over here. Right. And this COVID hits, and I mean, it just must be a crushing blow, huh? I mean, money-wise, I make more money being unemployed. I mean, before I moved here, I was doing well.

I was doing like theaters and shit with people. And then I moved here, and you've got to start over. Right. You're not really doing that much. So I wasn't making much money. So you're making more on unemployment? I was. It's over now.

Oh, it's over? It ended July 31st for you. Well, they changed it. They made it like, what? like a percentage now. Instead of 600, it's 200 now. Extra. Oh, I'm not getting that.

I've got to talk to somebody. Yeah, you got to get some. They just switch me over like a hundred bucks, which they haven't given me. It is pretty crazy, though. My girlfriend has on a job in a while, and she's making so much money now. Yeah, it's something that Americans never seem to complain about is the amount of

unemployment money. It is our money, right? They tax us from our paychecks and then give it back to us. Right. It's also super rich people's money. A lot more taxes than people that barely make. Not coming into the rich. I can't get on the unemployment day. Why? I don't know.

They denied my claim. Because she used to work for Viacom, which is a decrepit, decrepit company that barely pays its employees and scams kids that they get to write and perform for them. And then they eventually hire. They spend more money on lawyers to not have to pay people than actually paying the people that deserve it. And Snapchat series. Remember they were doing that? Oh, yeah.

Terrible. Yeah, it was a part of one. When we tried to get one, the niggas was like, you wasn't good enough. Yeah. It's crazy. We went into pitch a Snapchat show, and the night before we did an Armenian kid's birthday party and posted it on social media. And they saw the video before we went into the meeting and we knew when they asked us what that was all about that we didn't get the show that we were about to pitch. We can't be on Snapchat

your Snapchat series because Whatever Back to you, man You guys got gangbangers out there? Yeah, that's some owens. We got some owens. Oh, yeah, that motherfucker is a dangerous, dude. A lot of people think Alaska's just white people's not.

You have any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything like that? Fun facts about you? Make entertaining shit. Other than that. Not really, no. I mean nothing? Like, I used to collect baseball cards.

I wrestled in high school. I'm currently a semi-pro golfer. I'm learning how to do. I'm getting my pilots license. He's Italian. What's yours? Yes, I'm very Italian. And I'm gay.

And I loved that joke because it made complete sense to me. But like anything, any hobbies other than comedy are making very entertaining stuff. Do you edit? Yeah. No, that's not what I'm asking. Anything out of the entertainment industry? fucking not since I moved here because you got to fucking work at it.

How about in the past? No, I guess I golf, you know, you golf. Have you ever played tidly wings? I did some air softing, that was fun. Say that again? Air softing, you ever done that? Yeah, like paintball? It's kind of like paintball, a little BBs.

Okay. Almost got into a fight with some Mexican kids. Tell us about that. I was hanging out when we were the Venezuelan guy and he started cussing at them in Spanish. Yeah. Which was fun. I never hang out with my Venezuelan friends when there's Mexicans around.

I know. Is there anything in your refrigerator that you're excited to go home and eat? That's a great question. No, because of fucking quarantine. I got all sick because of quarantine. I'm not boring right now. I don't do shit. Do you have a refrigerator?

I do. It's empty? It's got like some chicken and spinach in it. When was the last time you had French toast crunch? Fucking years ago. I know a guy. I think Mitch wants you to look at your phone. Oh, wow.

Thank you for that heads up. Boy. Really letting the. The outside in. Oh, is there any... Do you know anything about collecting jugs of piss? I fucking knew it. I figured he was going to talk about it.

So... Thank you, Mitch. Wow. That's a good... You're saving this. Exactly the question I was asking about... I'm just happy Mitch didn't get to... Because he fucking lies about it.

So I used to live with Mitch. A big fat guy... Yeah. At Mitch Burrow on social media. Yeah. Tell us about this. So I used to live with him. and then he had this terrible girlfriend he lived with

and then they had these lesbian chicks stay over and they were in the living room no it was fine but they were fucking really loud in the living room the lesbians were yeah yeah and I had to pee and I didn't want to be rude and interrupt them so there was no way to get to the bathroom without walking right past them so I peed in the jug

in my room I peed in one jug see this is a fucking lie I peed in one jug one time three jugs how did you have these three jugs just laying in your room I had one jug that It was a water jug that I drank all the water of. How big of a jug? Like, what is a jug to you? You're from Alaska.

I picture a jug. It's got three X's on it. You hold it over your shoulder. Like a Winnie the Pooh jug. Yeah, you drink it. Like a honey jug. You pee right into it. We call that a honey jug.

Why wouldn't you just be like, hey, this is my house. Hey, I'm going to piss. Who cares? Hey, man coming through lesbos. Yeah, I didn't want to be rude. Kick them to the fucking side. They might be like, were they hot lesbians? They weren't that hot.

Oh, we're never. Oh, hell of all. Most lesbians aren't. God, so, like, how, they were, you said they were having loud sex? It was, I don't think they knew I was home. It was loud. Would you, they think they had, like, strap-ons on or something? Like, how does lesbians get that loud?

I always picture lesbian sex being quite quiet. No, I know. Trying to think about it if I heard one or two voices, whether or not. Did you watch there? Did you, like, spy? No, I didn't want to, I didn't want to, like, howl. Oh, we know you would spy, right? Of course.

I was kind of a guest. I was a guest to have. I was a guest in the house. just fucking stroking it's stroking it. I don't want to be rude coming out there jerking off to my friends, lesbians having sex. When you say loud, like, give us an example, like how loud? Like, do it in the mic.

I'm not going to do it in the mic, but it was loud enough to know that. Was it like a motorcycle or was it like an e-bikes? I'm auditory. What the fuck is that? Stop that, whatever that is. It was like that. Jesus fucking Christ. That made me want a pee in a jug.

I'm a ser. I'm almost there It was like that. Save it for the mostly sorry pot, Joel. Less Unbelievable. Less Valley girl, more like Uh-huh.

What were these girls? These were Alaska girls? No, Seattle. Seattle, what I live with me. Oh, Seattle, bitch. Seattle lesbians. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I feel a liar. Okay, let's wind down a little bit. Let's all take a breath. So you filled this jug of piss? I pissed it one time. Pist it at one time. Pist in at one time? Yeah.

Was it a full jug? No, it was a gallon jug. I couldn't piss a gallon jug. What else? Did you shit in it? I shit next to it, but I cleaned that up. Mitch never saw it. Oh, my goodness.

This is incredible. So how many jugs were there? Actually, we weren't allowed to shit in the house because of his crazy girlfriend. That was one of the room. We had to go down. It was a nice apartment. We had to go to a different part of the building to shit. Because she said that you guys shit too much or something?

No, she just didn't like the smell of shit in a bad room. But she would allow two Seattle lesbians to fuck in her living room? Yeah. Oh, come on. What the fuck? Bullshit. I'm in trouble because I got to pee in a jug. Wow.

I mean, Mitch clearly still wears the clothes that the lesbians left at his house. This is not the same place that Mitch lives in now, right? No. Mitch doesn't live in Seattle right now. No. Oh, Seattle. I thought there were Seattle girls. I thought you guys drove down.

down here every Monday just to be team players. This is fucking awesome. Such compelling interviews on this episode of Kill Tony, every single fucking person. The first guy was a little bit worried about and he's like, check this out. Shows us that belly button piercing covered in hair. Do you have any piercings or tattoos?

Are you fucking kidding me? You think this guy could possibly have anything? I could seem have a little nipple ring or something like that. Yeah, right. I actually have a jewelry phobia. A Jew phobia? No, you got both. Jewelry.

Wow. You get a Jew with some piercings. I'm out of there. Good Lord. That is incredible. So what do you end up doing with this jug of piss? Well, I forgot about it. And then Mitch stormed into my room when I wasn't home.

And he comes up to me. He goes, hey, what's in this jug? Oh, shit. I tried to lie. I go, it's an apple cider, I think. He told me, I immediately called my bluff. Mitch said that he told him to drink. He goes, drink some of it.

Like, it's piss. I'm not drinking that. Wow. And then he's like, why the fuck do you? a jug of piss. And then I tried to explain the lesbians and then... How long do you think the jug was there until Mitch found it? Probably a day. Okay, guys, that is nothing to do with this.

How long is Christ? I think it was a day. A day? It couldn't have been more than a day. A day? Jesus. Howard Hughes over here. I probably just kidding jugs of piss everywhere.

I think I probably went to work and then I came home and fucking Detective Mitch over there was like, what do you have piss in your room? Why was he in your room, by the way? That's a good question, Mitch. Yeah, what the fuck were you doing in his room? That's creepy. He said he had to take a piss. Unbelievable. So much fun, Spencer.

Unbelievable set. I mean, in 60 seconds, you had multiple jokes, multiple callbacks, tied it all together. Unfucking believable. Probably one of the best 60 seconds sets we've seen here in absolutely forever. Very impressive. Thank you so much for coming by. Spencer O'Neill, everybody. Wow.

What an episode. Very, very, very compelling show. evening. Having fun here. Well, I don't know what you guys think, but I think there's only one way to put a little ribbon on this little puppy pie that we call an episode of Kill Tony, and we're about to do it right now. This next comedian, ladies and gentlemen, one of the true legends of the show, a guy who, I believe he's awake, ladies and gentlemen, he is originally from Chicago, a former improv, a black belt over at Second City, and started stand-up very, very recently, and has been a

regular on the show for quite a few months now. I absolutely love him with all of my heart. This is a guy that I truly care deeply about and absolutely love one of my favorite comedians, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, oh wait, you know what? Actually, here let me put it to you this way. We've seen this guy on the show a couple times before. Here he is for his return. It's the one and only injured dice, Clay. everyone here he is it's injured dice clay here he is

little boy blue a 2.8 into the breath elizer after breaking into the liquor cabinet now he has permanent brain damage

oh jack be nimble jack be quick Jack's quick so enough. Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard to hide from an armed intruder. He stole her wheelchair and her meds. This dude could not be rude. Little Miss Mother.

That's fine. You can go forever. Little Miss Muffet blew in her trumpet in the killed Tony Ben. She's super stuck up and treats me like dirt because I cannot stand.

I think you forgot something there at the end of that one. Okay, go ahead. Humpty Dumdy Sandal War. He was trying to cross the border to get his baby out of a cage. Oh, there was a disabled lady who lived in the shoe. After four years of Trump, she lives in the sandal. Oh, Jack and June went up at home.

Obviously, they can't use serious insensitive. Oh! Merry, Merry, Quack, Andrea. You missed that he knows me. You made my life a nightmare. Little Bo people lost her sheep in her Obamacare. Now she's dead. in the webpack,

webcam's in the underwear. Is there more? No. Injured, dice, clay. I've got. Yes, injured. So good to have you back on the show. I'm glad to be alive.

You are injured, dice, Clay. You are Andrew Dice Clay's Handy. Half brother. Half brother. Half brother second question twice removed. Oh.

Wow. Have you ever talked with your half brother second cousin twice removed? Andrew Dice Clay before? I am left messages asking

for money and he does not return my calls. Oh! Wow, that's incredible. I'm wondering if maybe he would help you if you needed it, maybe with like a medical procedure. What type of, what's your blood type?

It is. It's called. There's only a couple types. I'm really setting you up for one here if you think about it. We have different sense of you. Tony. So really. I have no idea where you're leaving me.

Jeremiah, where is he going with this one? I think he wanted you to say your blood type is, oh! It's O! All right, let's go back to one. Okay, back to one. You know, your half-brother could probably help you with some type of medical transplant or procedure if you ever need. What type of blood type do you have?

Well, it's my... At this point, you should just say A positive and we can move on. I have AIDS. Oh, there you go. Nailed it. He really talked like that? Dice. Who me?

Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought he was. Oh. No. Tony, you gave so much exposition about me, but you didn't tell him my bailess. He has A-L-S. So he's like,

Oh. Look at this and sent to them, motherfucker. He saw Blank Man. Why? You see the movie Blank Man?

Oh, yeah. No-mind. Is Blank Man ALS? He's on the spectrum like me. Oh, Spectrum is the worst Wi-Fi right now. It's in and out.

It's the worst. Spectrum is horrible. I hate being on the spectrum. Yeah, it's weird. Like, they have my monopoly. Why can we choose between six cable and internet

company. That's true. You get one motherfucker to come to your house who doesn't know shit and your shit's slow unless you're a rocket science for the internet. That's absolutely

true. Yeah. I mean, I think we should have more options. I do too. Sure. Sherbert? Amazon should do internet. Absolutely.

Amazon should just do everything. Yeah. Amazon should make our water, send us things. They should be of Christmas. You put a thing out. It's called progress. The conscience was mentioned before the steam mentioned, the computer chip,

and now Amazon. Sure. People get a super risk. But you know what? When you can't walk and you can order three pair of sneakers or heavy socks off of Amazon

and get them to do two days, that's cool as fuck. Now, Andrew Dice Clay famously was the first comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden in New York, New York. You are injured Dice Clay. What's your favorite performance that you've ever given?

Oh, without a doubt, my favorite is at the Mayo Clinic. You'll remember me. Oh, are you sick? Oh, shout out to all the dead eight-year-old from leukemia. Yeah. That's beautiful. So the Mayo Clinic? Yeah, Mayo Clinic, Cinder, son.

and I all of them. I play all the hottest hospitals. We can't talk about them. We got to stop saying Mayo Clinic. Red Band's getting hungry over here. Yeah, because I eat mayo. Do you have any updates on your Easter Seals video? Because I know a few years ago we were talking about the...

Yeah. Yeah, here was the update. I guess. moment. Here's the update. I guess moving. Let him talk, man.

I'm not stopping him from talking. Pardon to me, sir. We've just been. Is it in Jamar? Yes. Yeah. Jamar's trying to figure out

what's wrong with you still. He doesn't know what any less is. No. Well, Tony, try filling in your guests. I mean, Do you need the glasses? Yeah, I'm injured dice clay.

He's a character. Oh, all right, right, right. He's playing a character of a dice clay-like character that's injured, and the actual man playing the character has a debilitating, uncurable, untreatable disease. I'm like, this shit is layered in a motherfucker. Oh, yeah, it really is. I get more diversity jobs than you.

I'm on three shows to start with black. Wow. Yeah, networks are designing themselves around people who are all fucked up because they're going. What? What was the last? Man, he doing that shit on purpose, man. Oh, no, I ain't.

It's called PBA. I've laughing, crying disease. Yeah, it's like what the Joker had in the. movie where you can't stop laughing. Oh. Dude, I'm on. Whoa. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. It's Michael Lair, everybody. Is he about to walk? Jamar, where you from? Compton. All right, I'm from Queen. Motherfugher. Oh, my God.

Okay, I believe you. You fucked up. No. But you said, oh, he's doing this shit on purpose. No. No. No. No.

Tony. Tony, one, I am the oldest person in this building. You are? One. Oh, I like him, though. But two, I am. Whoa. I don't have no fucks to give.

So, and finally one says, I'd be faking it. well shit take his chair I stood up so I'm not proving my point yeah I was gonna say I told you that you were faking it

and then you just stood up and great posture by the way I don't think I've ever seen anyone have such I mean you're standing it is incredible you get one of those back brace things off Instagram and they've been advertising

my girlfriend just got that today and it has like her tits cut out it's just like does it really work no it's just ridiculous No, my copper farb. What?

Benedict Cumberbatch. Copper Farp. Oh, yeah. Francis, my copper. Thing I just told home. Why are you guys are immune?

Jeremiah, you need to translate. Listen, everything going to be irony, don'ty. Listen, Michael just talking to You're not walking to walk, all right? He's just saying some things.

He flexing on Jamar because Jamar questioned his disability. He's really disabled what's going on here. He's going to sit down momentarily because his legs are about to give out. But he's happy he did the injured dice clay bit, but he's also upset that Jamar didn't understand that he was doing a character and that his real person had ALS. So it was a very complex problem that was facing him. Is that pretty much sum up how you're feeling right now, Michael?

Everybody's going to be, I, Tony. Lord of mercy. Lord of mercy. Oh, murder, is you wrong. Hey, I have a reggae joke. Can I see if it works?

Absolutely. So what's to do with reggae? This is the only genre where they never had to make new songs. Murder she roll. Hey, hey, murder do she bro. I've been dancing the last shit since eighth grade. Jamar, that was definitely a joke targeted towards black people more than white. So what did you think?

What? Fair, fair, fair play. Do you hang me because of my disease? hate you, man. That ain't fair, is it? You're doing white voice on me. No. He's always had a white voice. That's, like, that's his thing. I went to college and I fuck a lot of white women.

That's true. He does. Lower your pitch and respect me. Lower your pitch and respect Michael Latter. Boom, boom. Oh, and I grew up watching death jam, so I speak at a certain pitch. I feel. sound like the deaf damn guy. Oh, that's a headband on the ground.

I think that you're hilarious. I think you are too, and it's a pleasure me. And this show tonight was straight bananas. I agree. I agree. And there's no better way to fucking end it than with you. You're the baddest ass of the mall. You can sit down.

feel like a... No, I need to air my ass. The great Michael Lair, everybody. Everything he does is at Michael Lair Comedy.com and on social media at Michael Lair Comedy. Here comes tonight's drawing from the great Ryan J.E. Belt. There it is. Oh, this looks like a watercolor.

Look at that. There's a big snake there. There's a grassy knoll. There's a cat. That's red band. Oh, it's a snake on a rope. There we go. Rob snake.

That's beautiful. Look at that. Incredible. The great Jamar Neighbors was with us this entire episode. He's got specials and albums everywhere. Tell the people where they can find us. Thank you, Tony. Hey, man.

I'm doing a show out of my apartment, September 6th. Y'all got to come and be on it and be a part of the audience. Tony's going to be on it. Jeremiah's going to be on it. Red band's going to be on it. Thank you guys. Absolutely. And if you can see Jamar Live, please check it out, man.

It's one of the most unique live shows you'll ever see. Without a doubt. This guy is another one of those guys that's going to be one of the biggest in the world one day. And you're going to say that you know him from Kill Tony because you're a real fucking comedy fan. I guarantee you that. This guy will be recognized as one of the best in the world by everyone one day. Thank you to David Deary for helping us out so much. He's at MF David Deary on social media.

Hey, look at Skeeter over there. Believe it or not, people, it was Jeremiah Watkins the whole time. There's this Venmo. You know what that is. Zimmo at Jeremiah dash Watkins. What do you tell them about the art and stuff that you make, the creative endeavors that you do, Jeremiah, instead of holding up the Venmo thing.

Why don't you tell them about that? Your podcast, your social media, the things you make. I put out a new Jeremiah Wonders Weekly, and I feel like I'm doing something, unique and creative on there. And I would really appreciate if you go over to YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins and check it out. If you have never seen it or maybe you haven't seen it in a long time

doing a lot of different new stuff, please check it out. A lot of fun stuff going on over there. If you like characters and silly shit and a bunch of fun laughs and great, great character work and improvisation, that's all happening over there. Yeah, check out the shit with Adam Ray that you did a couple decades ago. It was amazing. Incredible. Yeah, there's a bunch of Dr. Field episodes with Adam Ray.

there's a Trump episode that's out that I'd like you to check out. A lot of the characters that became famous on Kill Tony are happening over at Jeremiah Wonders. Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, I know this is going to be hard to believe, but Kelsey all night, I just got worried that that was actually Jetsky Jesse Johnson, everybody. I can't even believe it. I don't see the resemblance. Oh, there it is. I know that trumpet swing.

Nothing but home runs from Jetsky Johnson, as always. Jetsky, tell us what else is going on in the world. Follow me on Social Media at Jetsky Johnson. See me on Jeremiah Wonders. Absolutely doodily. Isn't that the truth? Oh my goodness, wait a second. Hold on. That's not Rocco. That's Chroma Chris. Wow, that's incredible. What do you think about tonight's episode?

You made a classic one tonight, Tony. Sorry that these puns are a little dreadful, Tony. Oh, dude. He's Chroma Chris on everything social media. He's part of the baby boys. He makes music. He does fun things. He's everywhere.

We love him. And this beautiful young lady back here, I know what you're thinking. Is that Amy Winehouse's corpse? No. It was actually Joel Berg the whole time. Spoiler alert. It was Joel Jimenez of the Mostly Sorry podcast and Mostly Sorry on social media. What else, Joel?

That's it. Love you guys. Peace. There's a bunch of new Tony Hinchcliff merch over at Tony Hinchcliff.com. There's a bunch of stuff. Shower curtains, t-shirts, skateboards. You got shower curtains? It's all happening over at Tony Hinchcliff.com. It's unbelievable. Why not look at my face while in your shower scrubbing up?

I would love to see that. And check out Desquad.com. TV. Also a lot of new merch there. For virtual redband and loophole and all that stuff is at Desquad. I have a Patreon project that covers everything about roasting. Its entire history, how to do it, roast battles, roasters, everything over there. I interview members of the writing staff and famous roast performers of the past, and that's all at patreon.com slashinchcliff.

This was another episode of Kill Tony, formerly known as the number one live podcast in the world because we used to have a live audience. But now we do this. So there you go. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys.