KILL TONY - KILL TONY #470 – QUARANTINED #25

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Brett Erickson, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 08/31/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house. artist, he draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to Ryanjeebilt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad.tv. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the Road Famous Comedy Store main room for our brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliffe.

Yeah, I'm crazy like a wolf today. Brian Redband, how are you, my friend? Great, man. How are you doing? It's another beautiful day. Can you believe this? Seven years and three months we've been doing this show. And here we are again, doing it again. This is very exciting. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode. Look at him live in the flesh. How exciting is this? We have a scattered, 12 people in a room built for 470 people. This is just as exciting as it gets, everyone.

There's a lot of energy here today, and I am excited about tonight's episode. A lot of fun things coming up ahead, including a guest. Yeah. We have a guest on tonight's show. This guy, one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians. He opens for Doug Stanhope all around the world. Ladies and gentlemen. The great Brett Erickson, everybody.

Here he is. It's got a hit podcast. It's actually got a couple podcasts. Welcome, Brett. Hi, Tony. Good to be here. You can take your mask off if you think you don't have COVID. Yeah, you passed your temperature check, right?

I did, I did, I did. Unless you've been feeling a little suspicious. No headaches, right? For those of you watching, there are six feet between us. I know it doesn't look like it, but the camera adds four and a half. I have a five and a half foot long arm. That's right. People know that about me.

By the way, Tony, I would like to say thank you for having me here tonight. I know that normally you do have a packed house and you thought to yourself, you know what, we're only going to have 12 people in a room fit for 400. Who would be comfortable in that room? That's right. What sort of comedian do we need that would be comfortable in a nearly empty room? That's right. No, it's true.

I know just the guy. You were my first call for that mission. Thank you. I'm so glad that you're here. Tell us about the shows that you do and the fun things like that. I know you have the whole... You mentioned opening for Doug Stanhope. I did that for a long time.

I'm now hosting a podcast called Issues with Andy. That's what it is. That I do with my friend Andy Andrist, who is a force of nature. He's our... He's in the Stanhope world. He's our Joey Diaz. I love that. So, you know, and he needed a podcast, and he didn't have one.

and I thought, fuck it, let's do a podcast. So I do a podcast with him, and it's me and him, and a couple of the guys from Doug's podcast, Greg Shaley, and Chad Shank, and the four of us just talk shit. It's on YouTube. Nothing better than doing podcasts. Nothing better than four straight old white guys having a podcast. That's what it's all about.

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Kill Tony. It's an amazing, amazing place where you can get your business abomin. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. And we're back. Another beautiful day here with the great Brett Erickson. Brett, I know it's been a while since. Great job on that live read, by the way. Thank you so much. That was killer. Aren't they amazing? That's exactly what that was. I can't wait to use zip recruiter. Oh, yes, you're exactly right. You mean. Mint Mobile. Beep. Oh, I use it every day.

Anyway, we do love ZipRecruiter, and you know what else we love? Is the band that is on this show every single episode. They commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be or how they're going to behave. And this week is no different. We're all going to find out what they are tonight, together, as I present to you, the best damn band in the land. It's the Kiltoni band.

Jeremiah O'Walkins, Joel Jimenez, Jetsky Johnson, and Kroa McChryx. Here we go. Whoa. Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Is this? Holy shit.

It's Green Days. Is it? Is this Reagan-A-Wakins? What's going on here? That was Pat Reagan. I really thought it was Pat Reagan when he walked out. Who are you? Hey, I'm Chester Bennington from Lincoln Park.

Whoa. Wow. All right. Chester. Okay. I don't really know that much about Lincoln Park, so it's going to be a pleasure to meet you guys today. Yeah. All right. I'm dead if you didn't know. Yeah, no, I know. Welcome to the comedy store. I'm actually interested in hearing about the documentary you've been working on about child sex abuse with Anthony Bourdain. I heard all about it on Sam Tripoli's podcast. I heard they all got murdered, too. There's like three people got murdered. this could be the whole crew Chester you are the seventh most famous person

to hang themselves that's been in the comedy store so congratulations you got it hey there you go yeah if your references and then clearly back here we have what appears to be a Pokemon bus boy at an Italian restaurant what's your name

hey what's up I'm Mike Shinoda from Lincoln Park oh okay Mike I'm gonna write that down Mike Shinoda I'm just gonna call you you, Mike. And over here, clearly we have what appears to be a young Chewbacca. Chroma, who are you? Oh, did we start? What's up? You guys are really all Lincoln Park tonight?

Yeah, names Brad Delson from Lincoln Park, lead guitarist. Okay. All right. Learning a lot tonight already about Lincoln Park. How about you back there? The drummer. Oh, that's cool, man. My name's Rob. I guess you don't have to turn around to see me because I'm in that little screen over there. Yep, I see you. Yeah, I'm the drummer for Lincoln Park, Rob.

Okay, Rob. This is great. Shut up when I'm talking to you. So Lincoln Park, everybody, will be the band tonight. By the way, Lincoln Park wouldn't put this much effort into doing a show. This is very exciting. Out of all the bands in the world, Lincoln Park's one of the ones. I'm like, any day now.

Any day, we're going to get a Lincoln Park. All of your words. So they did some 41 last week? Without a lack of confidence, I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take. Yep, that's Lincoln Park. I don't know how I'm dead and I'm already on suicide watch again. Chester. We're going to have fun today, Chester.

Some people signed up for the show. I have a bucket of destiny. This used to be a big deal that would have hundreds of people in it. And now there is a few. We're going to get through those, meet some strangers, maybe someone that we've met before, and let's get to it. You guys ready to start tonight's episode of Kill Tony? Here we go. We're going to ignore the bucket to start things.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite human beings on the planet, an absolute destroyer, an improvisational guru out of the great state of Illinois, Chicago, originally from New York, now lives in Los Angeles, originally from Queens. Everybody, it's the great. Michael Lair, everyone. Here we go. Disneyland is coming back at ours. Who cares? Stop calling your employees' cast members, all right? Call them for what they are.

They are the profound vacation of the American Dream gone wrong. Underneath that Mickey Mouse head is the Tears and a man who owns $50,000 to Juilliard. Every acting school should be called from Shakespeare to Shakespeare. But now all you're doing is playing violent blindfolded from Zoom Orgies. We're worried about the pair of us. but what about the musical's effect on children? No one talks about that. One good thing about Corona.

No more Hamilton. Powerful. It starts with me. I don't know why. It doesn't even matter how hard you try. Keep that in mind. I designed this rhyme to explain and do time. All I know.

Okay. There we go. I was wondering when that one was going to happen, right from the top, huh? Okay. I think you've already been too tough on Lincoln Park. Really? I think of a... It's because you're from Chicago, and there's a Lincoln Park in Chicago.

There's a Lincoln Park everywhere. Yeah, it's true. That Abraham Lincoln was quite a guy. Yeah. He also died in a chair. Yes. Yes. Oh.

Hey. work on those levels Oh man What a crazy fucking day Yeah tell us about it Michael No man just reacting all day I'm not even an actor anymore I'm a reactor

Just reacting this shit all day Wow I remember I mean you were one of my favorite actors Ever I've seen you in the Easter Seals film I've seen you pull off an amazing Now let's talk about Rocky Balboa I got

I got shout out of the issue you see video directing competition shut out 12 nominees I thought I

won in all I was so but would you get 13th I don't I there were 80

submissions I I think they got winning of all the horrible things we were saying. I think maybe they did. Did you look at the other people that made it? Like, were they legit?

Or were you like, what the fuck? I didn't look because it's hard for me to look at it. You know what? Maybe the judges were also handicapped as well. That's why they didn't pick you. Maybe it was just like, they're watching videos like, they're like, man, this guy is still pucks. Yeah.

No. That those are some of the actual Easter. No nominees who still fuck. That was in the rules. I didn't read close enough. Yeah. You know, Easter seals, fuck them. Easter is like not that great of a holiday.

Seals aren't that great of animals. Not as good as penguins. No. It should be the Easter jungle birds, if you ask me. That's what I. Yeah, there it is. That's what I think it should be. Yeah.

Like a per. Keith or Aguana Michael, all you got to do with this whole thing is just spin it you know banned from the

Easter Seals film festival. Right. No, I think Too fucking much. Yeah, I think they made that clear

when they didn't when they banned you from it. You would think they would give everybody a prize at that fucking yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Spend time doing it at least at least a dime. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Where does the name even come from?

It's weird. Easter seals. Yeah. Yeah, it's very bizarre. Very bizarre. I think it's because the seals make the same noises as a lot of the people that are in that organization. Yes. Yes, exactly.

And this is exactly why they wouldn't give me any cash or prizes. Yeah, they read about this. He was originally founded in 1919. It was called the National Society for Crippled Children. That's not a joke, everybody. That is what the first line of Wikipedia says. Imagine that. They're like, oh, you think our name's bad now.

You should have seen us in 1919, the National Society for Crippled Children. Is there an age limit on that thing? Maybe that's what it was. They're like, look at this fucking guy. I told them I was 13. That's why I've been tanning so much. I don't know I'm a Puerto Rican baseball player.

Is the 13-year-old Puerto Rican baseball play, everybody? Oh, you got a little Kendama there? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, if you can't win a film festival, do what you know. That's what they say.

Come on, get it, Michael. I have a theory. You know the name of this? If you can, yes, it's a Kandama. Right. Right? Am I saying that correctly? You're the only one who knows the name of this.

Adam 22 gave me one as a gift. Right, and a fan he gave this to me. As a punishment. Yeah. Yeah. It was one of the fans of your Easter Seals video, not of your comedy. It was the type of fan where they gave me this after attaching chamber cables to my testicle. Jesus.

You know what? If you can make that kandama in the hole in five tries, I will call Joe Rogan on speakerphone, and I will make him give you a million dollars right now. He's so rich. He's just giving it away. Man, I can more... How many you think he can make this in five tries, huh?

One, the kandama has an infinite amount of makes. Oh, I know. If you can make it on anything We will make sure Joe Rogan gives you one million dollars Thanks to our friends over at Spotify All right You receive a hitchfather

One million dollars Here it is This is the million dollar Kandama everybody for the first time on Kill Tony One million dollars There we go. Whoa. So close.

That was close. Just a bit outside. Come on, Michael. Try. Oh, almost took his eye out. Oh, my goodness. Wow. That first one was shockingly close.

Joe Rogan hung up. Oh, that would have been so good. That would have been the moment where we found out you've been playing possum this whole time. He gets it on the first try. Oh, my goodness. The first ever segment, the one million dollar condom. That is the first and a last in Kill Tony history right there. Yeah, well, I will also, most contestants won't have mortal neuron disease.

Right, and I wouldn't offer a million dollars if they didn't have motor neuron diseases. What the fun? Yeah, it's only funny if they have a debilitating. What the fun? If it's normal, it'd just be like Chris Kuton. tan and like an Applebee's gift card or something like that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

You get $35 Applebee's gift card. Welcome to Million Dollar Kandama. And internet and internet. What else has been going on, Michael? Well, you know, I just tan and do a physical therapy on IG Live. And I listen to by baby. It gives me motivated. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Bad baby's the shit. Yeah, man. She's got bars. Like, Whitinger, I've been. I actually watched you

do physical therapy on IG Live today. I don't know if you know that I was there. Yeah. I do. I was making jokes. You were pretty far away

from the screen, so I don't know if you saw any of that. No. Wanted you share them? No, I mean, it's one of those you sort of had to be there.

Oh, maybe repeated one to me. I'm going to shove up your ass right now. Oh shit. What is this? The Easter Seals dance competition? I did ask if it was the Easter Seals dance competition. I'll do anything for laughs, even in clearly, even in a IG live with 17 people. It's all right. It was a great competition. and it taught me humiliating. And I don't need all that shit. They weren't going to give.

Let them give it to another half person. Wow. What else, Michael? What else has been happening? Just been chilling, figuring out what kind of weed are like. breath. I switch to the vapes. It is helping my voice big time. Yeah.

But when I start my set, there's always that beginning anxiety or breath thing that I'm like trying to catch up and I got to find a way for it to be like this right now. I think a lot of people have that though when they, like a lot of comics when they first get on stage, you know, their voice is not the timing and everything. They're still of adjusting and the nerves of just being on stage. For sure, and when I was not cursed by God, I was a very fast comedian, you know, like bits by the pound. And so I got a disease that they call it velocity dependent.

The faster I try to move, I'll like stop in in my tracks. So, yeah, it's real challenge by how you like me now. So it turns out that's like the ultimate review, right? Like you were a fast-talking comedian and God was like, no. Yeah, it's like Michael. You're going too fast, Michael. Michael, we need a little breath between these words. Yeah.

You know, you're talking too much here, Michael. Yeah, a little bit slower. Hey, did you see my new earring? Oh, wait, no, let me see it. It's a M. Sparkling. Can we zoom in on that, David? It's a little sparkly ear.

Oh, my goodness. Let's get in there. Wait, that's the handicapped ear. Keep going in. Oh. Is that a W? Yeah. Is that an upside down M?

Or is it a W? It stands from Wendy. For Wendy's? Yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. I love square hamburger. Good man, good man. Yeah, man.

My goodness. Red Band, what do you think about Michael Lair wrapping your favorite healthy food? Oh, it's great, man. I'd like to have you in bed sometime. Yeah, man, I love my non-dairy dessert. You love it? Non-dairy dessert?

Yeah, non-dairy dessert? Yeah, non-dairy. Have you had their breakfast yet? Breakfast Baconator and their new potatoes? Oh, their new potatoes. This just became Brian Redband's podcast. Oh, I know. It happens quickly.

You know, remember when Wendy's used to give you crackers? For their chili? They still give you crackers for your chili. No, but when you used to... What century were you guys born in? They used to buy the napkins. Oh, yeah, they used to give you milk with Pagania also. They used to have a pile of crackers right next to the napkins.

So, like, if you're poor, you just, like, start stuff in your pockets full of crack. If you're poor. It feels like Lincoln Park is more of a bag of. Burger King sort of band. You know what I mean? What's your guys? They're not cool with Wendy's. My guess is

in and out like you like you did with life. Just in and out. What a burger? Because sometimes we question what life is all about. How about you, Mike? I mean, as far as I did want to touch on as far as you and you're talking

and how you can't get your breath. I'll say one thing. And I don't know why, but it really doesn't even matter how hard you try. Deep. Keep that in mind. That was designed to rhyme. I'll explain to due time

because all we know, the time is a valuable thing. Watch you fly by as the pendulum swings. Watch a countdown to the end of the day. The clock takes life away. It's so unreal. Didn't look out below. Watch the time go right out the window.

Try to hold up. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. It all fell apart. It's a lot of theater. You have a child. I'm trying.

It's a great. It's a great. Jesus. All the bands we could have had on today. It's incredible. I love Lincoln Park. I know. Black bands.

I love ambient and pop music. You love ambient and pop music? Yeah. I like ambient for fucking only. All right. Hey, one more joke before we go Related. Yeah.

When these? I used to, I have an old joke, and let me see if it works. It's about Taco Bell now. It's about what? Taco Bell. Oh, okay. You can, are you done?

Okay, here we go, the Taco Bell joke. You can always, tell them how good of a neighbor you in by the access that Taco Bell gives you to their hot sauce oh really five what are you am now okay band go no no no no no no no no no no Brett, never, ever, ever cue the band again, ever in a million fucking years. Do you want to join our band, Brett?

God. I was feeling it right there. Chester. Jesus, right. So what was the joke? Five hot sauces? No, you can tell how good in my neighbor and buy how much access

the taco bag gives you their hot sauce. Right. That's an extremely specific premise. That is a suburban Taco Bell joke. I didn't say, hey, guys, I got the best joke ever. It's definitely not hack. Yeah, thank you.

That's true. It is an original take on a Taco Bell joke. It didn't end in south of the border or anything like that. The punchline was a little mild. Hey, look at that. Fuck, yeah. Well, this was fun. You have any more Taco Beljo?

Um, yeah, I mean, um, give me a menu on them. A gordita. Man, gordita, what is it? A pancake duck. All right, how about Chalupa? Do you have a Chalupa joke? Chalupa, man. I did the bitch in high school.

I actually knew her, Chalupa Jenkins, I believe. Yeah, man. She had mixing him Like she was dope Hell yeah Absolutely All right Michael Well fun times

As always Michael layercom A bunch of fun stuff going on Over there Videos merch everything Michael layercomedy.com There goes Michael Lair everybody So far

It doesn't even matter Doesn't even matter Had too far to lose him All right, pull the name out of the bucket. We know this guy. He's in the room. He's an absolute killer. He was on just a recent episode.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise, the few people in the room for Dan Nolan. Here he is. One of the best. Kill Tony Legend. Thank you. He'll never heal. This is a long introduction.

Thank you. I lost 35 pounds so far in quarantine. It's good. I have a new. exercise thing I do every day. I run for three miles straight, and then I run for three miles gay. And I'm losing way. I got like an iPhone app that tracks your body fat percentage and stuff so you can see what the progress is. And when I started out, the category I was in was called obese. And then I was super pumped to get to the next category, which was just called concerning.

I was like, yeah, y'all better be concerned. I'm about to fuck yo bitch. I got that iPhone app that shows you where all the pedophiles in your neighborhood live, but it doesn't let you swipe right or send messages or anything. I want to do one of those pedophile ambush shows like Chris Hansen or whatever, but the twist that I have is it's going to be like a game show. So you just pop out and ask them much of trivia questions. It's going to be called Takash a Predator. Or I might just have them go up against the kid.

we can call it Are You Smarter than a 5th grader? And then if they win, I don't know, they just get to fuck the kid. Dan Nolan, everybody. Calling in my skin. These wounds,

they will not here. Fucking awesome. There you go. That would be where it ended right there. 35 pounds. Is that trill? Yeah. Yeah, but I'm cheating.

I got a trainer and I'm paying for like fucking injections and shit and doing hormones. Goodness. Like HGH? Not HGH. Cormoralin,

which is like encourages your body to release more of its own HGH and then like testosterone. Wow. What happened? What do you mean? Like how does that, like what made you get that?

I don't know. I was just like fat idiot. Did you miss needles that much? Like really what happened? I was like, I was thinking about like comedy and stuff and I was like, I have no confidence on stage or whatever.

And then I'd realize like, oh, I have no confidence in real life either. So I figured I should try. So in like a couple months, I should have like a six pack and be like a hot guy. That's awesome. So you're working out. You're really running three miles a day? No. No.

I bet I have a trainer. He's doing injections. He doesn't need to run. No, I do. I have like two or three training sessions a week, sometimes four. But you're really depending on the chemical. Yeah. I mean, that's what like most, that's what doing most, most of the physical

changes. I mean, it's like I'm also dieting. I do intermittent fasting. I don't eat carbs. Dan, I think you, I really respect you actually do have really fat guy energy. Because your second joke about being a fat guy was, as soon as I'm not obese, I'm going to fuck your bitch.

Which isn't going to happen, but I do respect that. Did the injections have any side effects? Seems like too good to be true. You got red band's wheels turning over here. Like he's on a of his e-bikes. Redband wants to know if it comes in an IV trip.

Just hook it up to yourself before you go to sleep at night. That's cool. It's just expensive. Like, Somerland is $400 a month, and then the other testosterone injections are $200 a month. Damn, $600 a month. Yeah. But it's like paying rent to live inside of a nicer body.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, Redband spends $600 a month. month on cheese-filled jalapeno peppers wrapped in bacon. It's like $14. Oh, I don't know. It's been a while since I had bacon.

Been to the grocery store. That's $500 jalapinos. What have you been eating? So now you're eating healthy to offset? Not healthy, just low-carb. Like what? I eat an omelite every morning at noon. And then today I got in and out.

Jesus. Wait, I love that. Your exercise regimen is, I eat an omelette every morning. I mean, at noon. Like, you're sleeping till noon. You're taking injections. You're a real hero. And a real comedian, eating breakfast at noon.

Yeah. Oh, it's the best. I work from home now. So it's, I mean, everybody works from home now, but, um, except for the heroes at the grocery stores. But, uh, you mean the sandwich? Yeah. The sandwich heroes. Heroes.

What else, what else you've been doing for fun, uh, as of late Dan? I lost $700 day trading cryptocurrency yesterday. Dude, why? I was doing really good, no, because I got ballsy, because I bought this thing called Chainlink when it was like fucking 30 cents, and now I have like $11,000. And I put $200 on it when I was fucking broke. I remember this.

Yeah. You put $200 in and then it went all the way up. Now it's $11,000. Oh, wow. It's fucking crazy. Should fucking sell it right now. I should, but I'm not going to. my goodness gracious

I cashed out last time in 2017 literally the top the absolute top and I made it was great that's great that's a lot of money that's a lot of weight you can lose yeah

more money less weight that's fun how about your love life you're in a relationship we found out recently right yeah yeah it's good she's cool what does she do

she's one of the heroes at the grocery stores oh that's right putting it all together She works at Trader Joe's. Oh, cool. That's awesome. That's got to be difficult.

Trader Joe's the Southwest Airlines. Yeah, well, just if you're trying to lose weight and you've got a partner that works at Trader Joe's. Yeah, she gets 20% off. That's tricky. They got shrimp burgers. Do they? Burgers made of fucking shrimp. Wow.

That's disgusting. Think about that. Disgusting. It's fucking brilliant. I would just use it for the way that it would make my house smell, the popery smell in the air of shrimp burgers. Shrimp burgers are amazing. It's the sweet, sweet scent of shrimp burgers. They call that the filet mignon of the sea.

Exactly right. You ever have a shrimp burger, Mike, from? I always said, Limp biscuit. It's a Lincoln Park. Mike? You know, I thought they were just tiny burgers. Oh, Mike. What's your last name again, Mike?

Chinota. Shinoda. You know what? I'm going to write that down. You goddamn earned it after that one, Mike Shinoda. Shrimp burgers. Just a tiny burger. You ever have shrimp burgers from Trader Joe's, Dan?

No, we actually had salmon burgers yesterday. Oh, yes. Yes, I actually do remember that is something that I have had from Trader Joe's specifically. There's only a few things that I really actually remember, and that is one of the things that I regretfully remember. Yeah, that sounds disgusting. It was good. Yeah, it wasn't that. bad. I think I got them a few times and then, you know, all it takes is like one that's a little bit off and you're like never again on that.

But they just got rid of all the racial brands. No, they took it back. They went back and they were like, no, you know what? Fuck that. Yeah, we're keeping it. That's so weird. Jesus. It's like fucking make up your mind already. Are you afraid or do you have any balls whatsoever? I mean, they even changed, even the Italians who are, you know, almost impervious to racism according to everybody. but they did it. They took down traitor geotos. Yeah, but yeah, it was like traitor ching chongs or whatever. Yeah. Trader ching chong.

Thank you, Argus. They were like, we're still. It's not going to get any better than covering the traitor Joe's racial profiling that they do over there. Does your girlfriend have a least favorite race? Oh, well, she works in Westwood, so Persians. Oh, yes, of course.

Everybody's go-to. Even the Persians are like these fucking Persians. Good cats, though. Good cats. Yeah. Terrible rugs. Oh, okay. Great, they're very good at, like, being, like, genies.

Yeah, that's true. I've never seen an Italian genies before. Almost all the genies are Persians. I've never seen a Persian that looked like Shaq at all. Kazam? Yeah, he's a genie. That was the joke. I'm a drummer for Lincoln Park.

What do I know about comedy? A lot of editing in this episode. I know it looks choppy to you people at home. No, I'm kidding. Choppy is actually the new Chinese line. Wow. A true Joelberg chant. Dan, so much fucking fun.

Always a pleasure. I mean, some unbelievable fucking jokes there, dude. You're so fucking funny. I love that entire stretch of, uh, of a fucking predator. The iPhone, you know, not being able to swipe on the pedophile. Such a funny, original cool take on that. So you have a great brain.

It's amazing to watch you over all these years go from being a fledgling antsy heroin addict to a healthy, fucking even better joke writer than before. Cool. Thanks so much, man. The great Dan Nolan, everybody. Let me hear you. These wounds they will not heal. You'll never heal.

Here is how I fall. Pauline. Confusing what is real. What is real. It's like the same song every time. Yeah, it really, really, like the longest possible. Let's go to a regular, everyone. This guy, great joke writer, great roaster.

real part of, you know, the fucking family here. Unbelievable comedian. Make some noise for David Lucas, everyone. Here we go. Yeah. I don't understand how there's a national coin shortage when Barack Obama did nothing but asked for change. Like, did he not get enough for that shit?

What do you need? Change for a dollar, nigga? My grandma got a $1,000 worth of coins you can borrow. All right. Glad we got Uber. I don't got to get dressed to take girls home no more. That is the best shit ever. But hey, girl, you're Uber outside.

But it's an Uber pool. You're going to have to walk to the Taco Bell up the street. But it'll be here in three minutes. Uber literally makes you feel like a prostitute outside, don't it? Waiting for a car. that from somebody you don't even know. All right, guys. Thank you.

Waiting on the thunderous applause. My nigga Tony. I got a new movie coming out this weekend. Me? Hell yeah. It already came out. It's already on VHS. Nah, bro.

He got a new one called Oceans, 11 inches. Wait, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Because I have 11 inches in my butt? Yeah, you got a new game movie coming out. Oh, come on. I thought your roast was at Tony had a big dick. Yeah, I know. That's what I was thinking, too.

I'm like, how'd you know? They start turning into compliments every week instead of place. Tony's dick is so big. You can't even fit anything near his booty hole because it's protruding so far. Boo-ya! It's true. He thought a giant dildo fell out of my ass. It was just my dick.

Nah, bro. For his hump. Oh, come on. Come on. Hope for his hump. Life is like a box of anus. likes feels like a box of booty hose. You never know what kind of dick you're going to get.

What is happening? Gen A, I never met a man named Jenny. I was always kissing and humping. Forrest, I'm sick. Thanks to our sponsors, Crystal Meth tonight that we... This might be the first unreleased episode. It's so weird that you guys have a bunch of Tom Hanks references when Chester Bennington has been working on a video exposing the child sex abuse in Hollywood.

I'm just saying. You guys got to be pretty fucking hard for you. Like I said, unreleased, your best look at this, folks, is getting the Ryan J.E. Belt drawing. They're going to be like, oh, this is the one. This is the Ten Commandments. Maybe we'll release Michael Lair's part. Hey, there's an 11-minute episode of Kill Tony. I told him what's your homeboy now?

What? No, you're not making fun of breath. No, no, I can't. He opens for Doug Stanton. No, go ahead. He's a stand-up comedian. It doesn't matter. It hurts me.

I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of roast of white people, bro. No, do it. He's the reigning defending comedy store roast battle champion. Oh, shit. Say whatever you would like. Yeah, go ahead. Hit me first.

I'd like to be a counterperson. Hit you first. You're a nice person. Why would I hit you first? I don't have anything bad to say about you. But if you want to roast me, go ahead. You look like Adam Slanders. Adam Slanders.

Oh my God. That was brutal, bro. I hope I can recover. All right, that's why I style of roasting, man. I'm out of the pocket of roasting, man. I can't wait until the fucking crowd gets back. Yeah, we need audiences, man. Can we get an audience?

Yeah. Can we let 20 people in at least? We got to figure out something soon. You dress nice today. What did you do, Tony? I'm dressed nice. You got a polo shirt on it? This thing's big.

Oh, I thought you were still talking about me. I mean, you look. Come on. It matches my eyes. You look like a stay-at-home daddy. Yep. And I'm raising alcohol. That got a half pipe in the backyard.

I love that you're wearing a hunting tent. today. He's wearing a forest. More camo. Hey, Tony, get your gay ass out of hair, bro. A lot of camo on you lately. You sell gay pocket watches.

Get your ass out of hair. I actually do have some for sale. If anybody's interested, I have gay pocket watches. They only have sex with other pocket watches of the same sex. So when I dangle them like that, they just end up like a magnet, clink. They hook up with other pocket watches. Excuse me, sir. Do you know what time it is?

Time for a ain't. Oh. Tick cock. Exactly. Dick doc. Oh my goodness. That's good. You have a lot of gay jokes.

I just try to entertain myself, bro. I love it. Do you have a pocket watch? Fuck, no. Do you have a watch? I got a roll-in-my-granddaddy game. You have a calorie watch? Yep.

What's your diet been like lately? Any shrimp burgers for you? No, I don't fuck with shrimp like that. I do pretty well, man. You know, I'm still in the positive. of dropping pounds during quarantine, just trying to be under 300 by the end of the year, you feel me? What are you at now?

The other day when I weighed, I was 335.8 from 376. Damn. I love it. 335 doesn't sound that bad when you say 376 after a week. Right. I was 376. Right. Hell yeah.

Wow. 376. What was going on then? Bad habits being on the road every weekend. Working at the comedy store eating this bullshit every night. Yeah. So it's like it's going to go back if I don't train my mind and, you know, do more meal prepping and actually brain shit to work. So I'm not eating that fucking fried cauliflower and french fries every night.

Yeah, for sure. Drinking alcohol every night. You know how, you know, comedy comedians, we have horrible diets and horrible sleeping habits if we allow it to be. I just lost 10 pounds the other day when a dildo fell out of my ass. Sounds about right. It was a very heavy dildo. You lose 1.30 every time. I'm a nigga get off you.

Wow. That's a very tiny man. Well, look at Tony. I'm extremely tiny. Hell yeah, bro. A big nigga break him in half. Well, I mean, yeah, if we're talking about 375 over here. Yeah, bro, fuck that.

I'm too big to be on top of another nigga. I don't know. Let's see it. How many of you think are? I like how you say that somebody else would be on top of Tony you know like Tony is the bottom bitch I wouldn't see Tony as being the bottom

I would see like Tony like slowly riding you know like something like that Red man trying to roast your ass on the loom I'd be on I would he's absolutely right I was here before the show started he's definitely a top I mean yeah the people that don't know me I think would assume that I'm a bottom

and I think the more you know me the more you realize I would fuck the hell out of your asshole Tony would be at top if you know him. Yeah, he's a top young rising comedian. That's true. Not a bottom young rising comedian. Top young is also a Chinese food product

from Trader Joe. Kill Tony is no longer for the audience. It's just for us. It's really. It's just for us. It really is. What else is going on in your world, David Lucas? Anything else? Shit, started working out with Richie and some

other comedy story guys. I saw that. We're getting that shit done. I saw you punching some fucking. Mets, dude. I knock a dick out. Wow. Look at you. You're like Mike Tyson chicken.

You hit the oven mitts. That's funny, Joe. Who are you like? Evander Holy. What the? Evander Booty Holyfield. There you go. Aventer booty holy.

Yeah. Thank you, Jermaine, for that alley-U. George Four Men. Right. George Jist for men. Floyd Gayweather Floyd Gayweather That's a good one

Tyson in my Fury Oh Yeah Call your booty hole theory Mm-hmm Yeah Absolutely Ron Rousy

Not a knockout Not a TKO But a total Damn Boom Boom Boom Man Sini Right Right

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah, there we go Not a TKO But to take my cock out

What the fuck is The Hold on I got to know What Michael there It must be so good if Michael's yelling at the back of the room. Roy Bones, Jude. Busted dungless or something like that.

Oh, yeah. Nut buster douglas. Oscar Dela Boya. Yeah. Tony, your finishing move will just be biting a nigga in the booty. Oh, my God. Come on. Come on.

Why would I do that? Finish him. That's my first. move. It's going below the belt. Behind the belt. Yeah. Give them a... Oh, my God. Oh, I started smoking CBD, bro. That shit is life-altering, dog.

Really? Hell yeah. Candy bars and donuts? Started actually smoking candy bars? Nah, bro. I'm on that CBD. What about peeing that, dog? I got that shit, for real. You're peeing? My pan. Peeing. Where my pan?

Where my pan? CBD, hi, bro. I might want to smoke weed. This shit was $40. Really? For CBD? I still wonder if you could smoke CBD. Oh, yeah. I do all the time. It's absolutely incredible.

It's very relaxing. Infinite CBD.com is the place to go. Use the promo code kill Tony. It works. It relaxes me. And then I get a good night's sleep. And, you know, sleep got rough during the pandemic for me. Yeah, dude.

Usually being out until fucking, you know, 2.30, 3 a.m. Having the time of my life drinking. You go home. You sleep like a fucking baby to the next day. Then when this thing came. in. I mean, my entire, you know, just schedule changed completely. So, you know, I would go to bed exhausted at the end of a late night back in the day. So now, to help me go to sleep, infinite CBD.com, promo code kill Tony, saved 20%. Redband just refuses to believe you can smoke anything

outside of food. No, I just think, I just think that certain things I always wonder if there's any science to, like, if you can smoke CBD or if you could smoke certain things. Like, it's just... You're saying you prefer to eat CBD or use it in the cream form or... Exactly, yeah. Right. What, cream cheese form? Sure.

So you agree that it works there, but you just don't prefer to smoke it. No, no. I just don't know, like, the science behind it. Like, like, as an example, somebody said, you know, they used to always say, oh, I smoke acid. I put a little acid on my weed before I smoke, and I'm like, yeah, that doesn't work. The fire would just burn. acid. You know what I mean? It works. It works. If it's as

effective as if using like good. I would say it's more effective bro because like I do I've been doing like CBD drinks and shit and like CBD mints and like the edible CBDs and the smoking hits me faster and put me to sleep like in 20 minutes. That's awesome. You have a sleep apnea machine yet? No, I don't got that shit though. I still got a skinny neck. Look at my neck and red band neck. See? It's different. What's different about it? They both look like. He got the turkey shit. Like where he leaned down? You know, the gobble, gobble.

I don't know. Is what the noise of turkey makes? Is that a chicken? My neck ain't that big to be a big dude, bro. That's where it's at. You got to look at the circumference of the neck. Whoa, somebody learned the word circumference this week. Immacrilation proclamation. Yeah, emancipation proclamation on that ass. All right. Well, this is fun. All right, David. Thank you so much. I appreciate you all, man. Yeah, yeah.

David Lucas Funny on all social media. Yes. It's my favorite Lincoln Park jam right there. Good thing. Good thing you like that one. Because I think you might hear more of it tonight. All right, this is a new name. Urube Augmentor.

Go find Urube. Everything you say to me. Here he is Urube Agmentor. Armenta. Doesn't matter. Ladies and gentlemen, Urube Augmenta. After going, everybody, my name's Urube. I've been getting screwed up with that name for years.

It went from Rubei to Uruge, all the way to Uri-Gay. How the hell did I become an app? I should you not, if you ever request me on UberGay, come to your front door looking like a life-sized Buddha. I know I look like a beluga whale. Don't wear a bike, because I'm 300 pounds of muscle and 2% fat. I'm telling you, man, I used to work at Platin Fitness. and it was supposed to be a judgment-free zone,

and I used to get a judge all the time to the point like some guy came out to me, how the hell are you fat and you work at a gym? How the hell are you fat, you work out at a gym? I'm so nervous today. But I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to be here.

Is that a minute? Oh, shit, okay, okay. I got more jokes. I know they're up there in my head. I'm a intelligent guy I'm not the only guy I'm not the only guy is on drugs I'm good

Urubei Augmenta Augmentes Augmentes Armenta Your zipper is way down I don't know if it just gave up or

Oh my goodness I thought you were going to say I used to work at Planet Fitness I was the planet I was the planet I was actually the mascot Were you? Yeah

What does that mean On Pizza Monday What? I'm pizza Monday. They used to serve pizza on Monday. So I was their fat mascot. Really? So what does that mean? What do they have you do? Just stand there and be like, hey, this is why you want to keep coming here, people. You don't want to look like me.

Wait, they would give out pizza at your gym on Mondays? Yeah, every first Monday. Uh-oh, first time Red Band's wanted a gym at the gym at the gym. I work out once a week. What is the exact address of this gym? That doesn't make sense. That seems like a horrible. I only work out on Monday. Sundays now.

You guys have electric bikes? Why would they do that? That seems like an awful idea, especially people that have like really horrible diets where they're trying to like keto or something and you just come to your gym and there's pizza everywhere?

Let's check in with Mike Shinoda real quick. If Red Band's signing up for Planet Fitness, he's got to make sure they got electric bikes. He's riding his e-bike in place. Just letting the pedals work. This show is starting to become the same jokes every single week. Because he's one step closer to the fridge, and he's about to break. Can we have more e-bike jokes, booty hole jokes, dildo jokes, fat jokes.

I mean, it's the same shit every week. It's like not even funny anymore. This episode, it's just crashing and burning because it's like a fucking repeat. Oh, go ahead. hit that button of I love you no that's still horrible like that happened three weeks that lives matter so why do they do that though hello

we'll just turn down his mic oh my god it's basically telling them you guys worked out for the whole month here's pizza oh my god such a bad idea it really is a bad idea I don't know, man. Well, that'd be like not selling cigarettes because people are addicted to that. It should be up to the person whether or not they want to eat it or not.

No, but also when you walk in the gym and you smell pizza and you're like, oh, my God, what the fuck? Brian, as right as you are about all of this, you just can't say anything you're saying right now. You talking about pizza at a gym is, I mean, come on. You're totally right. It's a terrible idea. a strict eye, you walk into your gym, the one place that you're like, you know what, I have to make myself to do this, and he smell pizza.

That's ridiculous. That is wrong. To be fair, Red Band's brother is Red Baron. Pizza jokes. It is... Ha, ha. That's a sound you make. Let's change the last word of a name.

I mean, it is pretty close. Red Baron is a famous type of... I know, I used to have that as my avatar on Twitter for like two years. So it's like that hacky. Oh, yeah, it's super hacky to make a Red Baron chip. You didn't look at his Twitter avatar for two years? Believe me, though. I'm Mike Shinoda from Lincoln Fart.

What's up? It is crazy. Pizza to Jim. It's like having, you know, an open bar outside of an... meeting. We're a lot of people that we're trying to be strong. Would they look at you and be like, hey, man, can I get some of the pizza? Hell yeah. All the time, right? I mean, it's actually, if you think about it, it's actually pretty smart, right? You tempt them with pizza, so they eat the pizza, then they have to keep them. They feel bad. If you only pizza once a week,

you know, it's hard to lose weight. Didn't they go out of business, plan if not? It's still going. Did they pay you to be the mascot there? Or was that like a free just for the pizza? Just for the pizza. Oh my goodness. Did you just show? up with pizza and thought you worked at Planet Fitness? No, I actually did. Actually did. You did? Yeah.

What did you do there? So basically, um, tool guide. Tool guy? Tool guy? Tim Allen over here? Tor, tour, tour. Oh, tour guide. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you said tool guide. This is the pizza oven? No, it's Domino's. The tour guide. Yeah. They had you. show people around. Yeah, around the gym.

Why do you think they picked you for that? These are the rowing machines. Pull-up bars. I don't know. Look at me. I look at Teluguay. What does that name mean? Urube Augmenta.

To finance, I don't even know. I just got her from my older brother. Are you Samoan? No, everybody thinks I'm actually Mexican. Oh, really? Yeah. Do you think Samoans find that offensive? Probably, maybe

I get Samoan all the time Yeah, you look like a Samoan Yeah You're shaped like a Samoan But Samoan's just looking And you're like, no, that's a fan Mexican Yeah Pretty much

And the Mexicans are like, you're Filipino, dude Oh We just work You still work at Planet Fitness? Nah, I was working at Universal Studios Universal Studios. Universal Studios? So you work it everywhere with a globe.

I actually work for a sanitation a night after the park closes. But what do you do exactly? Clean. What do you clean? I usually host down the floors after customers already get dirty the floors, clean out the tables and all that. You know, I got my fucking, my shower snake today. I had a little clog in my shower.

David Lucas joke. Yeah. And a bunch of dildos came. No. And they found, deep down there, I'm like, what was it? And the guy's like, you had roots. And I'm like, what? You know about this?

That same thing happened to, happen to Rogan. Rogan had a branch that was like maybe six feet tall. This guy showed me. He's like, yeah, you got to see it. I'm like, what? And there's like a big ass fucking, you know, he has like this work tray and I look. And it's fucking unbelievable. I'm like, how did that?

I was asking him. And by the, I'm also trying to, like, retrace every crazy night I've had for the last few months. Did I eat a tree? Right. Did I fucking, did I come with, did I, like, get wrapped up in something while golfing and just, like, not notice that it was all over me? But I guess it's, like, deep in plumbing. Tony Appleseed. What was that?

Tony Appleseed. Yeah, that's me. That's what everybody in my neighborhood's been calling me ever since then. The plumber is like, later, Tony Appleseed. You f***. That's another. hot edit right there, just lining them up. F FI-T.

155-255. You can just write F-N-R-N-R-A-N-R-A-L-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-R-E-E-L-E-O. And DIL-O-W-D-O. What's his name, Mo? That's it. Tell us something we'd be surprised to know about you. Any special skills or do? talents you seem like a somersault universal champion or something like that has to be a kickboxer

really can you can we get uh whoa that's exactly what the shit looked like that's fucking crazy it's a DVD of the movie roots that's wild um okay we need to uh we need some kickboxing music brian because we are about to see this man uh move the mic stand out of the way just move it because we want you to sort of be in that position feel free to zoom in a little bit get his feet his head in there, David. Here we go. Yeah. Keep going.

Keep going. Don't stop. Wow. Short singers here on this one. Listen, we got a lot of music if you want us to play something. We got like eight songs we learned. It was good. That was really good.

That was awesome, man. Did you ever kickbox anyone else? No, he said kicks boxes, the cereal. I got disqualify in my first match. Why? I did an illegal kick in the shin. Too low. Oh, every kick what Mexican does is an illegal one.

Hold on, let me. It's Urubei motai. Urube elementa muta. What? Your name? Yeah, put my name. That's the only way you could find it. Oh, you're going to look it up?

Oh, no, just show us. Just show us. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. So, here you go. Whoa. Oh, I see why that's illegal because that can kick a knee in that words. Yeah, my whole point was to kick him, throw them back and then kick on my left in the head.

Jesus Christ, dude. What's the highest you can kick? Just curious. It's been a while, honestly. Yeah. It's been a while. Like the highos I was able to kick up here. Can we just?

get a little example of how high you can kick? Yeah. Yeah, go right ahead. Whoa, man. Look at that. My goodness gracious. Wow. I don't know, I think Red Band could probably top that.

Oh, yeah. No, you don't know. I'm kidding. I think Michael Lehrer could top that. All right, Urube, say your last name again. Armenta. It's a sexy name you got there. It's like a 50s novelty song.

Nadan-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-lays and gentlemen. There you go. Thank you. There he is. Ur-Weh-A-Ramenta. Take you one step closer to the edge. And I'm about to break. So one step closer to the edge. And I'm about to break. steer with a spin-out like this? Oh, no, it's just going to be one of the people at

home's favorite episode. Urube Aramenta. Guys, I don't want to break anything, but we actually have Danny Brown here right now. Danny Brown, come on out. Urube Aramenta. There used to be a guy on my local news. Maybe he was regional.

Maybe you had him, too. You remember a guy, a newscaster named Odei Aduma? No. I think it was maybe just a local news, Youngstown thing. But we both had Mr. Food, right? Yep. We talked about this. Ooh, it's so good.

You would cook something. You had him, too, Colette? That's crazy. You had them in Georgia? Really? Yeah, I think it was the syndication. Ooh, it's so good. He had the chef's hat.

Yeah, and the clown. There was also a clown, like a midnight movie clown. We had a local guy in Youngstown named Odey Aduma, and at the end of all of his things, he would go, and I am O'Dah Duma. And I would do impressions of him when I was. a little kid. That sounded just like him.

And I am O'Day Aduma. Cool name. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Wow. O'Day Aduma. What are the odds? What are the odds?

Ladies and gentlemen, if the band wants to play, you can play until this person gets to the mic. It is Reagan Warner. You want to grab Reagan Warner. I don't. I don't know how much. I got this way, I know it's not all right. One more time for Reagan, Warner.

Hello. So I just moved out here to L.A. from Minneapolis. You know, how to get a new car because it's a big driving city around here. Good thing the dealership had a fire sale. I mean, better I take it than it burns. So what I've noticed is the wind. Women out here in LA are gorgeous. Either their Instagram models or Victoria's Secret models.

You know, I'm not really the same thing. It's either like no pain or no gain or like kind of puke. But, you know, you got to respect it because that's a commitment. But what I've noticed is Victoria's Secrets is a lot like the Catholic Church. You know, they put up these unrealistic expectations, and they also like to traffic kids. so I just found out for my dad that he is diagnosed with cancer I don't know what's worth fighting for

when I have to scream I was peeing during a lot of that your dad has cancer strong clothes strong clothes that's exciting what kind of cancer does he have he has some type of lung cancer oh that's one of the worst kinds you can have

I know this is a former long-time cigarette smoker I've done a lot of Googling about the old LC, as we call it. Was your father a cigarette smoker? He's a big cigar smoker. Wow. Does he inhale? No. Very interesting.

He's had cancer for, he's diagnosed five years ago. He's got cancer longer than Trump's been in office. Wow, that's incredible. Man, maybe he'll have four more years of cancer. He didn't tell you until last week, but he's had it for five years. Wow. Why do you think he didn't tell you? Did he give you a reason?

That's just. my dad. I don't know. That's how to explain that. He just doesn't, you know, he just surprised you with stuff like that. I love that you measure five years, as in longer than Trump's been in office. Let him talk. Okay, Mr. President, I'm sorry. Yeah. Okay, thank you. So, what's his current condition? He's had it for five years? How's he doing? What's happening over there? Well, he also has this immune deficiency, so he has to get, like, uh, fantastic. I wasn't talking about you, Mr. President, but I mean, you can answer any of these questions that you actually want.

Nope. Oh, come on. Come on, Mr. President. I mean... No. Okay. Why are you arguing with me? We have to get along.

We have to get along, Mr. President. I'm sorry. We have to... We really do. Have to get going. Literally pointing to the responses you want. And it didn't even say what it was supposed to say. Even this fucking soundboard tonight.

It says we have to get along. We really do. Have to get going. It doesn't exist. Trump is finally right. Wait, so let me get this right. Even the people on the patio right now, they're not actually watching this episode.

No, no, no, no. God. They're enjoying their chicken tenders. I was so confused because it says, No more names in the bucket. And I was like, what? And nobody here is filming this. I'm actually, I've been on live this whole time, Instagram Live.

Well, as long as it's your live and not anybody. I'm the drummer for Lincoln Park, dude. Like, like 80 million followers. Yeah. Here I thought we had a good bit going. I was conversing with Trump. We were going to get out on a big laugh. But on an episode like this, it makes sense.

You just scan it. It is like, you know, but I guess it's not. going to happen, right, Mr. President? I don't think it's going to happen. That's how good I thought the bit was going to be. But instead, this thing's running like the goddamn Mexican government. We can't do anything right. The Mexican government.

Oh, we just can't win today, Mr. President. We don't win anymore. It's so stupid. This is so stupid, but it's my favorite part of the show tonight. We used to have victories. We don't have victories anymore. Everything was so good. All right.

Oh, the old, you know Trump leaves when you hit Jungle Bed. Okay. Reagan. Yes. Reagan Warner. Are you named after Ronald Reagan? Are you named after Reagan and Watkins, R.W. First name Reagan.

Last name. What is it? Wartner. Wartner. With a T, like a wart. They're like three, he's like three letters away from being Reagan and Watkins. Have you ever heard of Reagan and Watkins? No.

Yes. All right. China. So tell us more about you, Reagan. What was that drummer from? I was Trump. He said China. Oh. Okay.

All right. So, I don't know. I guess I just moved out here. You seem like you've ridden a unicycle before. Am I right? From many. Minneapolis. You seem like the kind of guy that closes the refrigerator with your hip?

I am that guy. Is that true? I definitely hip-chip every drawer. Wow. Hello? That's pretty fucking great. I'm still 5% what I used to be. Oh, and if I gain weight, all of it goes straight to this ass, so...

Oh, my goodness. There's some power behind that. Well, Jesus, there's going to be more roots in my shower during that. I got roots in my shower. There's a root in my shower drain. Okay. Red band. That's insensitive.

That was actually Chester's last words. There's a root in my water drain? No, he farted after he lost all of his bodily functions. Is that true, Chester? You fart? What an embarrassing thing to happen. Like, imagine you actually being aware that you're dying and you, like, there's people. Like, your whole family's there.

And you're like, I'm so happy you're all here. by my side. That would be the best exit. Yeah, because your tombstone would have to say that. Let's go through this fart board and figure out which would be Let's figure out the worst fart for when you

die. So this is my nomination. This is Red Band's dream episode. All of a sudden. How much fun we have to have some good, you have to hit it after I say some last words. I'm just so grateful that, I'm just so grateful that you're all here with me. It's got to be someone saying it to you like,

Grandpa, grandpa, grandpa, the whole family's here. We're all here. We just, we just want you to, we all love you. We just, we want to hear the last thing. I just want to let you know that I love you. Oh, there's something I never told you guys before I, die. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, tell your mother that I... What's up? We're Lincoln Fart. Oh, wait, before I pass, son, are you there? Jesus. Yeah, that was me. That was me, Grandpa. Frittman doesn't really understand the bit that I'm trying to do here at all.

It's supposed to be after those. It's excited. to make my fart noises. Fun fact about Red Band's fart board is that he recorded them all himself. Those are all his actual farts. Seriously. Let's have to turn to the left. Shout out to Wendy's.

Yeah. Shout out to the chili over at Wendy's. Chili and crackers. Reagan, what's the weirdest thing you've ever had in your mouth? Tonight? Or anytime. Chicken brain? Ooh, chicken brain.

Wow. Did you like it? I had pig's brain before I hated the texture of it. It tastes like a slime like you're slurping up. Where'd you eat chicken brain at? In China. Really? Is that true? That is very true.

Oh my goodness. We don't beat China in trade. Whoa, the president's here again. My goodness, welcome back, Mr. President. Is there anything else that you'd like to say? What I say is what I say. Oh, wow. That's an interesting way to put it.

I mean, like, where are you right now, Mr. President? We have people in Washington that don't know what they're doing. It's crazy. Hey, what's your favorite episode of Kill Tony, Mr. President? 240. Okay. That was a good one. Now we've got to see what 240 is.

Yeah, let's look it up. Kill Tony, episode 240. This is fun. This is loose. Oh, Russell Peters. He's a big Russell Peters fan. Oh, look at that. It's surprising since Russell Peters is technically an immigrant from like six different countries.

He's a Canadian Arab. What do you think his ethnicity is, President Trump? China. Really? Wow. My goodness gracious. Sorry about this. We're having fun today.

Yeah, now we're having fun. We've made a conscious decision to have fun. One hour and 40 minutes into the episode. What else about you, Reagan? You seem like you definitely have special skills. I mean, you are a man, a jack of many trades. I know it for a fact. Some magic tricks in your past.

No. I'm a skydiver, though. Really? I should. Oh, my goodness gracious. Professional faller. Yeah, basically. Yeah.

Kind of a stupid sport when you think about it. What else? What else other than skydiving? I'm not a skydiving guy, my older brother. What do you mean? What else? That's fascinating. How many jumps have you done?

Jumping out of a plane. It's so weird. 47 jumps. Wow, that's a lot of jumps. Any close calls? You ever hit a bird or something? How do you think he ate the chicken brains? There was a chicken up there.

There was a chicken up there. Had a malfunctioning parachute one time. Oh, fuck. Whoa. The backup worked. Well, no. No, this one is like... No, he's actually dead right now.

You did what? So, like, the line's going to get twisted around in a circle, like a swing, you know? And he's got to pull them apart before, like, you get fall fast. My dad's friend that happened. The first one didn't work, so the backup went, and then the backup line in the... Yeah, she's dead. Oh, she died? Wow.

The day before... Hello, my lines are tied. I'm in big fucking trouble. Somebody help me. Oh, my God. Why would there be a phone call? There would not be an antique phone in the sky. Oh, a cell phone.

Okay, there you go. It's a robot fart. Nope. Crazy sexual experience of your life, Reagan Wardner. something happened maybe with your butt had his girl he was falling through the air

the lines got tangled no the weirdest experience is I had there's this chick that I had a thing with but she had a boyfriend the whole time but her boyfriend would drive and drop her off at my house

and like he would even come and hang out with us but then he found out but instead of like not dropping her off he just stopped hanging out with us oh yeah no shit so that was pretty fun Wow. So you're a piece of shit. Wait a minute. Now I remember you.

You son of a bitch, Reagan. How long were you banging this girl for? Four months. Would you bang her while he was still in that place? No. Not if he was in the place. So sometimes you all would all hang out with each other. Yeah, and then we'd go to the parties and you know, and then, you know, you just disappear a little bit. Oh my God. So you would meet up in like a bathroom or something?

I mean, I guess it wasn't really that. discreet. You're an awful person. Yeah. I agree. No, I mean, you know. Like, Minneapolis was wild, man. Is that where you were? A wild town. Is that in Minneapolis? That was in St. Cloud right next to Minneapolis.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, a skydiver in St. Cloud. Who'd have thought? So jumping out of a plane wasn't enough adrenaline, you had to fuck someone's girlfriend. The girlfriend fucking became first. Wait, girlfriend what? The girlfriend fucking came first before the skydust. Oh, that was your gateway drug? Yeah.

You know, got to work up a little bit. Then it's Mountain Dew. Well, Reagan, thank you so much for coming on this show. This was a lot of fun, fun interview. Reagan Whartner, everybody. Reagan Warner. What's what it's finally for? Who I have to scream.

Don't know my eyes. Let me hear you. Like, yeah, I'm flashing. Like, and then this happened. There's going to be more. I don't know. Maybe we should just go right to William. I don't know, maybe.

You know what? Let's get a, we haven't had a lady here tonight. And so you're going to grab this one for us. Go yell China from the back door. Here comes China. I'll bleed it out. All right, here's China. Ladies and gentlemen.

Hello. So when I was little, I didn't really like to finish my dinner like most kids. And so my dad would plug my nose and force feed me to eat. So now as an adult, when I'm having sex, I really like it when it got shoves mashed potatoes down my throat. And then I spit it out in his face. I'm from the East Coast and in sorry, I'm from the East Coast

and over there I'm like maybe a 7 or an 8 depending on what city I'm in but in L.A. I'm like a 3 and when I'm out of a bar and I feel like really cute and good about myself like a 6 foot tall big breasted blonde Amazonian model comes in

and then I slowly transform into Quasimodo and I just can I finish I just grab the closest guy next to me and I'm like come with me to my bell tower Why does it feel like night today Something here is not right today China China

That is China absolutely Hi China Hi welcome to the show how long you've been doing stand-up comedy for Um, for maybe two years. Okay, where at? I've done it at open mics at random bars and the ha-ha. Okay, so you've been in L.A. the whole time? Yeah, just L.A.

Is this where you're from? No, I'm from Connecticut. Oh. How long have you been in L.A.? It will be nine years on the 22nd. Oh, wow. What made you move out here nine years ago? I went to school out here, and then I just stayed.

UCLA? No, I went to the New York Film Academy. Okay. You didn't want to go to the one in New York? No, they didn't take the GI bill. So I had to go to L.A. Oh, you're a troop? No, my dad is a Vietnam veteran, so.

Oh, wow. He's, like, disabled, so I got my phone. That's why you would shove your face into food. They'd rough those Vietnam vests. He was like, you've got to eat all that shit. Heck, yeah. You got to crawl into those greens. Wow.

He's still alive? Actually, he passed away two years. ago. From what? He had a lung infection. Right when you started doing stand-up comedy. I did, yeah. There you go. That's a good way to escape from the sadness of your

father passing. He loved comedies. Aw, isn't that sweet? How'd you get the name China? Okay, so... I'm gonna hate this bitch, just like I hate China. Let's name her China. It's Vietnam. China.

Oh my God. She was a boy, she would have been named Charlie. Trump, what do you think about? President Trump. while you're here, what do you think about naming a girl, China? Do you think that's a good idea or a not very good idea? Then there's something wrong with you.

You're certainly not very good. Oh, my goodness. Wow, that is not exactly what I thought you were going to say there. That's not exactly what I was pointing to. What were we just talking about? Your name, China. Why are you named China? I was actually adopted when I was

four. My biological mom, me China after the band Jefferson Airplane. Oh, I thought it was going to be after the band Asia. No. Why would your mom what? Drugs, I don't know.

I mean, that's just not, that's just a word. You heard of Elon Musk's kids name. Yes, but if you're named after Jefferson Airplane, why China? The lead singer, Grace Slick, named her daughter, China. Oh. You're named after Grace Slick's daughter. I think it's a pretty cool.

Grace Slick has a daughter named God with a lowercase G. So he could have been God. Grace Slick. Oh, that's cool. Wow. You know a lot about. I know a lot about Jefferson Airplane. That's why when China said this shit, I got a little bit on edge.

My goodness gracious. Wow. Could have been Alice either, too. That's one of their songs. Any crazy things ever happened to you because your name's China? No, but people usually joke and call me China white. Oh, because you do drugs. No.

They usually do drugs. They'll be like, you know, trying to why. You hang out with a lot of people that do serious drugs? I have in the past. I hung out with people like that. Did you ever do serious drugs? By accident. How did that happen?

Well, I was at this girl's house, and she just started, like, breaking up this white stuff, and I was 18, and I had done coke before, and I didn't ask, and I thought it was coke. And so she just handed it to me, I snorted it. and then like a week or two goes by but I had a really bad time at fair I did that and I was like what was that I was that crack like did I do crack

and she was like what I don't do crack that was meth and I was like what like I did meth like I was freaked out most cook is cut with meth nowadays that's crazy yeah it's pretty much I don't do stuff like that anymore and I would ask first what do you do now what do you do now for fun I just smoke weed and

like I did mushrooms like last month in Oregon which was nice. What do you do for a job? I work at Firehouse Subs. I love Firehouse Subs. I was here when that guy quit and wanted a job

and we were like, Firehouse Subs, we're like, insert restaurant here. So you don't kill yourself. Have you guys ever thought about giving out your subs at a gym? No. They have good Italian.

Uda-Bay? Have you ever had Firehouse Subs? Nope. I am very loyal to Vito's. I had their eggplant parmesan this week and a baked Zia. I mean, I am so addicted. It's absolutely crazy. Our friend Charlie, who brings Vito's Pizza for these episodes, has completely changed my dietary habits back to like I'm living with my mother again,

which is very exciting. A lot, I mean a lot of pasta going on right now. I love pasta. Indeed. You can't hate pasta. Brett, what's your favorite kind of pasta? pasta. That's also a Jefferson Airplane song.

You don't know pasta? No, I didn't know that song. It's killer. President Trump, what's your favorite kind of pasta while we have you here? It was back there. It's that one. What's your favorite kind of pasta? What's the most pasta you've ever eaten?

9 billion, 240 million. That's also my favorite kind of pasta. Two? Is that just two? Two? What's another number that you know? 1978. Do you know any other numbers? 2,300.

Okay. That must be all the numbers you know, though. 240. Oh, that's your favorite Kiltoni episode. What else? $8,737,540,000. You're out of control, President. $1.3 trillion. Don't believe the $5.6. What is he talking about?

He's talking about all the percentage that Firehouse Subs donates to the firemen across the United States. The first responders. First responders and stuff. That's a very nice thing. How long you've been working there for? Almost three years.

Wait, wait, hold on. I'm sorry to cut you off. Let's go back to that question. I've got to check in with Mike Shinoda. Doesn't she kind of look like a female chess? Like hard on the outside, but it's like fragile like China. That is true. Are you a Lincoln Park fan?

I love Lincoln Park. They're my first concert. If you could say anything to the late, great Chester Bennington right now, what would it be? I'd be like, I'm sorry that you had to kill yourself. That sucks. Jesus. What were you, the one that sold him the rope? Oh, my goodness, gracious.

Why would you apologize for that? What a fan to sell him the rope. Here you go. I'm sure you. I also need $5 for this. you won't kill yourself with this rope. Chester, what do you think about this young lady apologizing for your suicide? That's cool.

All right. What's something shocking about you that we would be surprised to know about you, China? Something fun about your life's history or maybe a skill or a talent that you have? You have a hobby? I don't know. Like Red Band here can walk on his hands. Okay. To any firehouse subs.

I could kind of stand on the head. You can stand on your head. Really? Is that true? Would you be willing? Well, there's sort of looks like a hazard over there. Would you be willing to try? I could try.

Oh, my goodness. How many of you think we should have China stand on her head? This is amazing. This is what the show's come to. I thought that Uda-Bay's high kicks were going to be the highlight. Welcome to tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Here we go. This is.

No, not to play anything else. Wow. She kind of stood on her head. That was impressive. What's your favorite Lincoln Park song? Crawling. Wow. I see more as a spinner.

You have another favorite? No, we have that one. You have that one? You have that one? Do you sing with them? You want to sing a Lincoln Park song with them? Sure. It's all going to be edited out anyway.

Yeah, cool. Good. Bees those moons they will not here. We'll hear it. All right, all right. That's enough. That's enough. I tried so hard.

China, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you guys. So much fun. Thank you. Have a great night. There goes China, everybody. Her first time on Kill Tony. Calling in my skin.

Has anyone ever stood on their head? On your show before? Has anyone ever stood on their head? No, that's a first. That's a first. It's a breakthrough episode. It really is. A lot of first tonight.

I thought since her name was China, Brian was going to invite her to the Ice House. From the Rice House to the Ice House. Welcome to China. China to the stage. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, all the chaos, all the insanity.

there's only one guy that could put the cherry on top of a cupcake like this. Ladies and gentlemen, he is the big red machine, the one, the only, the great William Montgomery. Here he is. I'm crazy. If someone like Nike comes out with a mask, yeah, we ain't getting a vaccine. This is probably one of my best jokes next. I think a fun sketch would be if I moved to Saudi Arabia, became real popular, ran for political office, just was having a good time. My first sort of party where I'm trying to get money from donors, I invite them in my front door, and I'm like, hey, go to the backyard. I'm crucifying someone.

Australian hipsters be like, I miss the Old Zealand. Hey, Redman, if you're going to be the best man in my wedding, you're going to have to start believing in Jesus. All right Okay Okay There you go We can always just close If you don't have anything left

Solid Is this true that you're going to be the best man at his wedding? No But I do appreciate that this is the first time I think all of us have seen William do a set completely sober That is in time This is the first time

Wow Never again, huh? Never again What's going on, William? This is very exciting. I don't know. What's changed in your life this week? I don't know.

I just think it dawdaud me that I probably will die soon. Yeah, what made you think that? Do you see something in your peepe? No, just generally speaking, I started having premonitions of my death. I started haunting his house. Yeah, seriously, I started thinking he'll probably die soon. What type of premonitions did you have? Describe them a little bit more towards for us.

I don't know. I just pictured myself. Because we've been having premonitions about your death for years. For like a year. Yeah, no, it just sort of hit me. So we'll we'll see. Hopefully, maybe I can stay strong. How long has it been? How long have you been sober for? One day?

I got real drunk last night. I got drunk as hell last night. How about before that? Were you on a little streak? I don't know, Wednesday maybe. The Wednesday before. four maybe. Oh, okay. So you took a few days off drinking at the end of last week.

Correct. Yeah, normally it's, I don't know, two or three times a week, but it's, I go pretty hard. Well, that's absolutely not. Two or three times a week for two or three days at a time. Yeah. Yeah, you can be that for sure. And he goes hard, though. Like he'll drink like a whole bottle of vodka, not like just a lot of us.

It's not great. You have what we call a problem. Correct. I think that's true. Do you feel good? How's this for you tonight? How do you feel right? I love it.

You seem way more with it and you're not screaming at us. Right, right. That was starting to happen a lot recently. A lot. I was just angry and screaming at y'all. I know, I know. That was starting to happen a lot. Yeah.

And you were also screaming at employees. You called one of the nicest women here a bitch. I know when we talked today. I think it's all right. You called the sound guy a bitch, I believe, last week. He is a bitch. No. I don't like that motherfucker.

He is a bitch. No. What about David Deary? You were calling him the F word last week. What do you think about it? I don't like him either. Oh, my goodness. He gives me the creeps.

At least we know what he really means now. Just look at it. Oh, look at that. We're zooming in on that crotch. Can you lift up the shirt for us? I'm worried my little thing's going to pop out. You are wearing the same shorts. See, I can feel my pews.

You still have not fixed the shorts, huh? What is going on? Does one step at a time? Do we just have to buy you a pair? Why is that bruise on your stomach? Oh, what the fuck? It's like your alcoholism is like your fourth worst problem. Is your rene back?

Lean back. Yeah, lean back. Get in the suit. Lift your shirt up. You have a bruise on your stomach. Lift your shirt up and don't. This is like when they find cancer on a newscaster. Yeah, right.

Zoom in on that, David. No, William. Listen to me. Take direction. No, the other way. William, listen to what I'm telling you. Turn your hips that way. Stop, stop, and don't move again now.

Okay, there you go. Now, zoom in on that, David. It's as far as we can go. That's a legit bruise. Yeah, you're bleeding from the inside. Where is it? It's that bruise. Your red band's going to come point to it.

Circle it. You want a Sharpie? Here's a Sharpie. Circle it. He could have just closed it. the fridge with his stomach. Is that a Nazi symbol you just drew on me? China.

Shastika on me? All right, David, go back up to his face. Let's see. Do you know how you got that, Bruce? Any idea? Yeah, I bumped into a table. That's not a minute. Oh, Jesus.

Are you getting abused by your husband, William? Did you just... I bumped into a table. Do you call your girlfriend table? I bumped into a table. nothing to do with that. An unstable relationship. Do you know what really happened?

Yeah, I bumped into your table. What happened, William? Tell us. This is a compelling episode of Killstone. We want to know. You could be honest with us here. We're your family. We're your real family now.

Your other family doesn't exist. We've taken the whole hostage. Chris, help me. Chris, help me. Chris, help me. Chris, help me. Is that Chris? He's named Brad, dude.

You're referring to Brad. Brad, help me. What's up, William? He's Brad, what's up? You want a riff? No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I was drunk and I bumped it to a table. Oh, now we're getting a little bit more.

You were drunk and you bumped into a table. Yep. Then what happened? Because tables, William, I'm just going to be honest with you. Honestly, I don't remember. I don't remember. Wow. Yeah.

Do you think the bump on your stomach has anything to do with your new found reasoning to stop drinking? Could be. Jesus, I want to see what the fuck happened last night. Shit's getting serious. Yeah, it's kind of weird. You got this little glare in your eyes. He has that same bug on his forehead from last episode. There's a bug?

All right. Well, yeah. So William, what else has been happening? Have you been looking for a job again? I have not, but I need a job because I can't get on the unemployment. I haven't been able to hear from the unemployment people. Well, did you reach out to them, or do you think they're just going to contact you? I have been calling them. I can't get through.

You've been calling them? Yep. Yeah. And I can't get through. Is that a joke? No, no, no, no. That's all you. Well, I did it online. I've already applied for it and everything.

I just haven't heard back. When did you apply? A month ago. Really? I've gotten a payment. I got $1,700, but that was like a month ago, so I'm worried because I haven't gotten another payment. You have to certify it for your weeks online.

They send you an email. Yeah, you have to do. That was like a back pay thing. You're going to have to, believe it or not, William, you're going to have to do something to get that. Right. I agree. I got to figure it out.

How exactly are you going to figure it out? You got to figure it out. What do you think is going to happen? You think like the unemployment fairy is just going to show up while you're sleeping? I don't know. I got to figure it out. All right. We'll see.

I just want to add that as Mike Shinoda, I know Jesse in the band and William also called her a bitch many times. Oh, that's right. Wow. You called my girlfriend an Oriano fag last. I stand behind that. This is an intervention right now, William. It sounds like it. Is there anyone else here that would like to.

Yeah, anybody else? say something Ryan J we've always gotten along pretty good is there anybody else I would like to oh keel has his hand up keel go ahead

yeah first time wow you made someone buy you a beer and then you called them a bitch yep I can tell you this I can tell you this I have had probably

10 to 12 conversations with William. I promise you he does not know my name. What is his name? Oh. That is beautiful. That was a work of art.

You are clearly correct. He definitely does not know your name. He's like, I'm just going to skate through this one. Cheers, brother. Nice to see you again. This is adorable. Sober Williams, like, the nicest, greatest, fucking most, like, it's incredible how good of a human being there is underneath that fucking drunk demon.

I know. You're like, you have, like, one of the widest ranges of good guy, bad guy. Yeah. Between not drinking and drinking. Like, it's hard for me to interview this guy because, like, I'm not used to it. Right. Like, I don't even know what to do. I hear you.

That's everything. Every alcoholic that nozy is not actually going to be able to make a change. I hear you. Go ahead. Mike Shinoda. When he's sober, can we call him William Recovery? Perfect. And that's tonight's episode, everybody.

Good job, William. Good luck. William Montgomery. Root him on on social media. Cheer him on for his recovery. William, recovery. Hopefully it's a while until we see William Montgomery. We like William Recovery.

Let's check out that drawing from the great Ryan J.E. Belt while you all sat there doing nothing tonight. He drew that. Look at that. Yeah. Look at that. Oh, hell yeah. Wow.

That is so fucking cool. The Corvette, the middle finger, the cat, the animals. Williams Bruze. Williams Brews made it in there. A little black and blue spot there. That is awesome, Ryan J. All those prints are available. Ryan Gaveld.com, he auctions things off. Everything's for sale.

Every episode has a print. Every road show has a print. The great Brett Erickson was with us all night. Oh, thank you, Tony. Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure. Tell them where they can find you, Brett. You can find me at I Brett my pants on Twitter.

Whoa. And the podcast again? Issues with Andy. Issues with Andy. Thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. I had fun. The great Jeremiah Walkins was Chester Ben.

Bennington tonight. Tell us about the projects you're doing, Jeremiah. Jeremiah Wonders doing some really cool stuff over there. That's at YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins. Would love to subscribe. And Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. Thanks guys for the sport. There it is.

The Mike Shinoda, everybody. Believe it or not, I'm just figuring it out right now. But I do believe Mike Shinoda was actually the Jetsky Jesse Johnson tonight. Very impressive performance. Mike Shinoda. I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't know who you were until tonight, and my mind is blown at your incredible sense of humor. Well, I really hope this episode airs because I practice for hours on these wraps. And that's permanent marker. It's not coming off.

Yeah, I transformed for this role. That is incredible. How about a hand for the great Chroma Chris was Brad. The lead guitarist for Lincoln Park. Brad, what do you think about tonight's episode? Really hit a home run, Tony. That means you knocked it out of the park. Oh, okay. There you go.

You could have just said we really knocked it out of the park. Did you think about that at all for a second? All right. the great Rob on the drums, everybody. It was Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He's it mostly sorry. Mostly sorry, the podcast, mostly sorry on social media.

What else, Joel? I really hope this episode airs. I had a lot of fun. I thought, even though it was chaotic, I thought we finally smiled at some farts and had some good moments. There you go. There will be some edits.

There's going to be some more edits there. We're going to edit out both of you guys saying, I really hope this episode airs. I mean, not real. not a ton of thought going into this sign-off either. Just stick along with the majority. I kept doing stuff back here that'll make it impossible to edit. Well, trust me, I'm sure we'll figure out a way.

I just want to be real. I want to feel. Good luck. So much fun, everybody. Thank you so much. We'll see you again soon. Bye.