KILL TONY - KILL TONY #473

Episode Date: September 25, 2020

Annie Lederman, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 09/21/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is shopsquad.tv. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Bank coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everybody. Hello, my baby. Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling.

We're back again. How are you, Brian Redband? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm great. Good to be here at the world-famous Comedy Store in another incredible evening here on a Monday with the great Kill Tony.

And no one better in this room than our artist that draws every single episode. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here, everybody. And no one better in this room than our artist that draws every single episode. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is here, everybody. It looks so good. Ryan J. E. Belt draws all of our tour posters, every single episode of the show, and even some new limited edition Kill Tony T-shirts. Everything's at ryanjebelt.com for the Kill Tony art.

He does some auctions over there. It's really cool. Check it out, ryanjebelt.com. I really like that. Did you see the one he drew recently with the book where it looked like an old book with the writing on the bottom? Yeah, like an old school children's book. There's a snake on a rope. Yeah.

I love that one. There's a lot of... You should do kids' books. That's a good book. That was great. It felt kids book-y. It did. I think he could do that easily. Are kids still reading books nowadays? You should do a

kid iPad thing. Anyway, I'm all jacked up to the gullets on Caveman Coffee right now. Love Caveman Coffee. Use the promo code KILLTONY. Save 20%. And I also have carbohydrates running through

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back! Make sure you check out some of the stuff from those awesome sponsors because they're the ones that keep the show rolling along. They keep us happy. So make them happy. Go get something from them. Tonight's show is going to be a lot of fun. We have four sign-ups, three regulars to get through.

But before that, I should bring out a guest. We are back to doing guests again, and I am so excited about this one. This is someone who I have been friends with for a while, you know, coworkers together, but we have really become super tight during this global pandemic. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians.

You know her from everything, and you also know her from a recent amazing appearance on the Joe Rogan Experience. I present to you one of my good pals and one of my favorite comedians the great annie letterman everybody boom oh my goodness fresh off the tennis court annie letterman that's right i actually didn't play tennis but i wear the outfit i feel like if you wear the outfit, you might play tennis. That's exactly how I feel, and that's why I dress like a golfer all the time now. We do. Tony and I, we match in rich people outfits. Yep.

But you know what I liked listening to Brian talk about? Do people know that's your name? Red Band. I like listening to Red Band talk about books, and then when I walked in, it was watching him struggle to try to read the fucking ad. It was amazing. Right. Like, is he going to get through it?

We usually have it on little or on big pieces of paper. I was looking at my life and then put hashtag Tony's podcast. You guys saw it anyway. Welcome tennis player. Penis Williams, guys. It's my new character, Penis Williams. Oh, my goodness. What welcome tennis player. Penis Williams, guys. It's my new character, Penis Williams. Oh, my goodness. What's so special about Penis Williams?

Does she have a penis? Well, I did Coke with one of them. Whoa. So I don't like to say her name because it's out years ago. Does it rhyme with Serena? It rhymes with vagina. All right. Well, this is going to be fun. Annie, it's been a while since you've

been on this show. I did it with Roddy Piper. Oh my goodness. That's the last time you did it? I killed him. Wow. He worked with me and then dropped dead. He was like, ugh. That was it. He's been through the ringer with everyone, but you're the one that pushed him over the edge. He's like, who was this?

Was she a lesbian? I can't tell. That's how it works. That's how it works with you. You were also the last person to hang out with Brody Stevens. You were the... Murdered a lot. You were Robin Williams' last opener. That's true. I gave him Parkinson's. Did you know it's a sexually transmitted disease? Yeah. Alright, guys. This is

a tough crowd in here. I'm nervous. Ooh, I'm sweating. Ooh. We're gonna have fun. Annie, I don't even know if you remember. It's been so long, but we have a band on this show. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been getting ready in the back. Maybe they're astronauts.

Maybe they're reptilian soothsayers. Or maybe Lincoln Park. I hope they're in blackface. Could be. Anything can happen. I present to you the best damn band in the land the Kill Tony band Jeremiah Watkins Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris and Jet Ski Jesse Johnson

I'm in that's pretty good wow the sweet sweet sport oh my god The sweet, sweet sport. Oh, my God.

Wow. My goodness. Like real basketball players. You can hear the flatness of the spalding that Jeremiah has. The first noise I heard was the classic sound of a flat basketball bouncing off the main room stage. Not to be confused to when Red Band was reading that ad. But anyway, okay. Jesus.

Thank you. I need Joel. Welcome, basketball players. What is your name? Yo, what up? It's a homie T-Switch, and that's my boy Rimjob back there. That's right. I remember you guys. It's been a long time.

You've been on this show before. T-Swish and Rimjob. T-Swish. Oh, T-Swish. Okay. That's important. Do you make a lot of shots? Because you look like you'd be we wouldn't be able to count on you for a free throw. I'm actually very good at basketball, you bitch.

Really? We're gonna have to see. Maybe we'll have a little shooting competition later. And then what do we got back here? Who's they? I've never seen you with these basketball players. What's up? I'm a W street baller. Oh, my goodness.

And I'm a slam drunk. I drink on the court. A slam drunk? That's me. Wow. She's a wild ginger. I love that. My goodness. You're like Stone Cold Stephanie ginger. I love that. My goodness.

You're like Stone Cold Stephanie Austin. Got a little Bud Light there. How exciting. You look like if Kathy Griffin got stung by bees in the morning time. What's your name? Slam drunk. Oh, that's your actual name. Okay.

Wow. Wow. That had to be an odd trip to the DMV. These aren't our bird names, homie. Oh, they're just your basketball? Your court names? Yeah. Wow. And who's this young whippersnapper back here? Looks like he only shoots

threes. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah. You know you got Red Band up front and you got Ur-Band back here, dog. Oh my god. Is that your name? Hell yeah. Ur-Band back here. Laying god is that your name hell yeah urban back here laying it up dunking it shooting threes from downtown shooting threes are banging threes these guys all sound like they never even watched a basketball game before just shooting shots from downtown

tony actually i have never watched a basketball. I grew up without a TV, Tony. Wow, you always wear that mask? Yeah, that's right. I'm rim job. I got to keep my mouth clean so I could eat that ass later. Wow. My goodness. You have a steady girl whose ass you eat or do you get around

a lot? She. What is it? She. Wow. He eats shit. That's what eating ass is. He eats shit. Rim job. T-switch. Slam drunk. T-switch. Like a swish, homie. Oh, that's right. He's confusing

his personal life with switches. What? That's a gay. One person gets it. Can we switch him out um what do you mean switch no it's like a gay term oh you're the only one that knows the gay term in the room uh-oh what does that mean like a switch like if they do either like a nintendo switch that's what i thought you meant your microphone starting to make more sense i've Tell us more. I've learned so many sexual things on this show. Like what's the one where you put the pencil in the dick hole?

Oh. Sounding. That was a classic one. What was another one? There was another weird one. What's switching? Like switching positions? I know.

I think it's switching like you can top or bottom. Yeah. All right. I don't know. T-Swish, Rimjob, Slam Drunken, Urban back here. The whole band is here. Annie Letterman. Let's start the show, shall we?

This is Kill Tony. Let's do it. Comedians get 60 seconds, then we interview them afterwards. Starting off the show, ladies and gentlemen, I mean truly an icon on the show an absolute monster i love them more than anything sometimes i give them some good old tough love try to squeeze the best out of them like a like you would with a delicious orange in the morning time if you're into fresh juices uh here he is ladies and gentlemen what else can I say? Long time regular, great comedian. Here's William Montgomery.

Oh, boy. Here he is. Don't you want to squeeze him? One minute uninterrupted from William Montgomery. I haven't seen Jack Nicholson on the sideline lately. That's my impression of a poser Lakers fan. For all the atheists that hate my material, as late great Rick Moranis said, God bless the haters. Y'all ever notice how every commercial these days has a product? What's the name of that band that played that song you hear when you accidentally call a fax number?

No, really, what's that band's name? You know times are tough when your Coke dealer goes to rehab. No, seriously. Oh, man, a good friend in Memphis had to go to rehab. And Scarlett, I just want to say I loved your voice in the movie Her. Thank you. Okay, there's a minute. And there you go, William Montgomery.

Oh, my. California. There you go. William Montgomery. Another very funny set. 45 seconds of thunder and lightning. And then you start just commenting on things. It's pretty awesome.

I like that Fax Machine song. You do? I know. That's a hell of a song. You're talking about Axl F, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you guys are talking about. Great references. Jack Nicholson, Rick Moranis.

Rick Moranis is actually not dead, but he's a huge Christian. He's a recluse. He's a recluse. Have you ever been a recluse? I have been bitten by a brown recluse before at my parents' house in Memphis. What happened? Very toxic bite. i almost had

to get my uh lower leg amputated oh my goodness oh there it is yeah thanks for the snake sound that's the sound of a spider closest thing i had how'd you do a snake sound what were you doing when you got bit by a spider were you outdoors i was uh i guess you could say hollering at. It was some African-American girl on the south side of Memphis. We were on her waterbed. A waterbed? She had a waterbed?

She had a waterbed. A black girl had a waterbed? What happened to waterbeds? I lost my virginity on a waterbed. I grew up with one. You grew up with a black girl or a waterbed? A waterbed. Okay. African American, excuse me.

The problem is with waterbeds is they weigh so much that you can't really have them on a floor. The black girls or the waterbeds? Were they ever? It's still the waterbeds, Annie. Really. They were just the floor. I don't think they were ever really comfortable, were they?

Oh, no. This one, they had different models. Like mine almost felt like a real bed, but it was great. The black girl or the water baby? Yeah, right. It depends how big they are. That's what I was about to say. But the cool thing is you could heat it up,

so you just sat in, and you're just like on this warm, fleshy-feeling bubble. It felt great. No, I lost my Virginia when I was 14, Northeast Philadelphia. We're fucking bumping DMX. It was fucking sick, dude. I got sick.

How was it? How long did it last? It wasn't good. I don't know how long it lasted. I couldn't tell time back then. I was 14. I was a fucking kid. You couldn't tell time at 14? I couldn't. I was a very slow kid. He took advantage of me. Thanks for bringing it up. My God. He pumpkin'd

me. Did he lose his virginity too? No, he had already lost his virginity in prison. No, he did end up in prison though. Not for fucking me at 14, but heroin. Turns out if you get your kid a waterbed in high school, they're going to be a heroin addict. I've read that. It's true.

So you were on a waterbed with a black girl then? What happened? I felt something tickling my lower right leg. I tried to swat whatever was off my lower right leg. Turned out to be a big brown recluse. Oh, my goodness. It bit me. Oh, there it is.

The next day, we go to see the Harlem Globetrotters. No, you didn't. Wait, no, you didn't. Hell of a show. You're making up a story about hanging out with a black girl, and this is what you think they do. And they went to the Harlem Globetrotters. Harlem Globetrotters.

You think they just go see the Harlem Globetrotters? We went to a game. They were in Southern Tennessee. They beat the Washington Nationals. No, that's a baseball team. You know what's weird, though? Jack Nicholson was in the front row. It's a callback, guys.

That is true. There's four people in the room. Did you really do cocaine with one of the tennis players? I did, I did. Where were y'all? At the Standard across the street here. Was it fun?

The Standard Hotel. After she, it was her first time, and after she did it, she went, oh my God, my dad doesn't let me do anything. And I was like, our dads don't let us do coke either, by the way.

Your dad just made you the most athletic person on earth. Your dad was right. Ours was wrong. That's incredible. So cool. William, what's been going on this week in your normal real life? I still have the same shorts on. Yeah, very bizarre.

Oh my God. A little bit out of control. How often do you wash those? I've asked you this. It's not my dick. It's my tummy. Now, we know that asked you this. It's not my dick. It's my tummy. Now, we know that's your tummy. It's a fupa.

It's part dick, part tummy. It's the same. David Lucas has this video on his phone of his first time meeting William two years ago, and he has the exact same shorts on. No way. Is that true? Were they broken? These are the only shorts I wear.

I did not. I bought Birkenstocks. I'm wearing my new Birkenstocks today. Oh, my God. That's it.. I did not. I bought Birkenstocks. I'm wearing my new Birkenstocks. Oh, my God. That's it. Super comfy. Do you usually wear shorts? Highly recommend.

Call your dad real quick. Call your dad. Put him on speakerphone. We need to get you some new shorts. Tell him you stole his shoes. My previous plans of having people send you shorts did not work. What size do you wear again? Uh-oh.

I think we know. I think it's a large. What? A large? Well, it looks I think it's a large. A large? Well, it looks like you're wearing a medium. It looks like you're wearing a medium. It's a 36-32. That's why it's broken. Call your dad

on the speakerphone real quick. My phone, I don't have my phone on me. Yes, you do. If you're listening to this, keep sending shorts to William. Rick, grab William's backpack. Do I want to get my phone on my backpack? You just grab his backpack. This is important. No, the phone's on top. Oh, it's's backpack. Do I want to get my phone on my backpack? You just grab his backpack. This is important. No, the phone's on top. Oh, it's on top. Here we go.

We're going to call Mr. Montgomery. Thanks, Rick. We have to get... Can you FaceTime him? I want to see him. This is the music from that game, the Harlow Globetrotters game that him and the black girl went to. Also, he said African American, which sounds like the N-word now, don't you think? It's like he's trying.

It's worse, right? It really is. Since the bird watching pitch. Uh-oh, here we go. Put him on speaker. Turn the volume all the way up. Might be late over there, huh? Wake his ass up.

It's Kill Tony. It's like after 11. Turn that volume up. Volume up. Put it right. Baba. Put the microphone to the bottom of the phone Volume up. Put it right. Baba. Put the microphone to the bottom of the phone,

William. Hi, Mr. Montgomery. It's Tony Hinchcliffe. Can you hear me? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. How you doing, Tony? I'm great, man.

You know, I just wanted to hear your voice and say hello. You know, we're big fans of you over here. We're doing an episode live right now and I want to talk with you

about the shorts that William has been wearing for what appears to be pretty much two years continuously it's not a short time let's just say that yeah he says that it's the only pair of shorts that he wears what can we do about this um i don't i think he's been wearing those since he was a sophomore in high school. No loyalty to your dad. No loyalty. I love that. And he has, sometimes they've been too big for him,

and sometimes they've been too small for him. Well, we're at the small part, dad. Oh, my goodness. We're definitely at the small part. The front is busted open. He's Louis C. Kang all of us right now. Yeah. Yeah. He needs to invest in another

pair of shorts. What do you think we should do? Should we start a fundraiser or something like that? Or maybe we should... Shorts cost like $20. I think those things set him back originally maybe about $12.

We could probably find the exact manufacturer of those shorts and buy a new pair of those shorts, William. That's what we're going to do. We solved the problem, Mr. Montgomery. Thank you so much for talking with us. Thank you, Papa. I love you. You'll take care of yourself.

We love you. We miss you. Come back. Visit us soon. We will. We love y'all and miss y'all too. Awesome. Bye-bye. He's the best. Why did y'all fucking do that to me when Papa was on the phone? That was so cute.

Y'all made me look like a fool. Your pants made you look like a fool. And your father made you look like a fool. He really upped the ante. He told us you look like a fool. And your father made you look like a fool. He really upped the ante. He told us you've had those since you were a sophomore in high school. He said that they've been too big on you, they've been too small on you, that you've fluctuated weights through your life problems.

It's like you're a little blankie at this point. What? Is that like you're a little blankie? Are you scared to get rid of those shorts for a reason? Oh, it's so upsetting how small they are on you. Jeremiah, do you like them? I see you looking, Jeremiah. Is that a plastic bag coming out of your boxers? I see what you're

working with. It's dope. Thank you. William. All right. William. All right. You think that if we bought you a new pair of those shorts, would you wear them?

Yeah, do you know the brand of those shorts? They're Old Navy, right? These are Mountain Hardware. What are they? Mountain Hardware. Mount Hardware? Mountain Hardware. Mounted Hardware?

Mountain Hardware. Size what? 36. These are probably a 36. But what do you need? 38, obviously. 38. No, I got a 40, and do you need? 38, obviously. 38. No, I got a 40, and they were way too big.

38. 38. Oh, you attempted, and you overshot? I love that. I got a 40. I got a size 40. It was sad. I looked like a fucking clown.

They were down around your ankles? They were, and I tried to put a belt on, and god damn. And then put it on your neck accidentally mountain hardware there it is pants and shorts are the one of the first things that comes up oh my goodness oh these are expensive that's why they last so long yeah look at that really great shorts how'd you get the original pair your sophomore year your parents or your grandma or someone i was uh working in an outdoor store in memphis tennessee what was the outdoor store called outdoors incorporated outdoors incorporated that when you just put your cup I was working in an outdoor store in Memphis, Tennessee. What was the outdoor store? Called Outdoors Incorporated.

Outdoors Incorporated. Is that when you just put your cup out and people put? Wow. Guys, breaking news. They absolutely have the exact same shorts. Oh, my God. Do they really? For $38.

I think that's William, too, the model. Holy short. $38. I'm so happy for you. I remember around Christmas time when I was working there, Lawrence, the main manager, gave everybody a $100 bill for a Christmas bonus, and he didn't give me one. Why?

And I wanted to cry that night. I feel like I know why. Why didn't he give you a bonus? I don't know. I don't know. What exactly did you do there? You agreed? I worked, and at that point in time, i worked in the uh what is that place called it's

like a big enclosed building with where you have a bunch of products in a warehouse i worked in the warehouse yeah what'd you do at the warehouse i got clothes i stole a bunch of shit well what did you do for work at the warehouse people would buy stuff on the internet and i would find their products uh that they were looking for i would i would get them and lawrence didn't give me a hundred dollar christmas bonus do you think it's because you were stealing from him he didn't know you know i mean we have it all rung up here it's on sale in fact spoiler alert the men's J tree short is on sale for $45. That's the pocket? They have three inseams though. Seven, nine, and eleven.

What's your inseam? My guess is yours is a nine eleven. Because it is a disaster. Because your balls are falling. The twins are falling. Because it smells like hundreds of innocent corpses. Okay. Alright like hundreds of innocent corpses.

Okay. All right. That was too far. Guys, come on. The three 9-11 jokes got last before that. You say innocent corpses one time. Everybody gets all mourning in here. God.

Oh, my God. God damn. The pictures they have of these shorts. William, what's your instinct? Turn around. Can I see what your butt looks like in these shorts? There is a hole in the middle. And there's a hole in your...

Oh my God, there's a hole right in his butthole right there. Can we get someone to measure William's inseam? Have you ever pooped out of the hole? Yes. No, come on. There's a little... There's a hole underneath it that goes right to his butt. Let me see. Let's see it. Sit down on that table behind you, William.

Yeah, do the Sharon Stone. Zoom in on this. behind you, William. Yeah, do the Sharon Stone. Zoom in on this. Do a Sharon Stone. Yeah, just lean back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Get in there, Zach. Look at that.

Oh, that's a big hole. Oh, my God. It's a vaginal hole. Oh, my God. There's a huge hole. That's a big hole. Just picture me with the black girl in Memphis just on her waterbed. William, move your hand.

Yeah, don't hold it like you're holding a vagina open. Hold it again. Lean back. What a good song. Spread your legs out. Spread your legs. Lean back. Let the light get in there, William. It's very dark. Oh, God.

Oh, no. I see red hair. Oh, no. That's my pubes. Okay. All right. You can zoom out, Zach. Let me shoot the basketball in there. I know I see red hair. Oh, no, that's my pubes. Okay. All right, you can zoom out, Zach. Let me shoot the basketball in there. I know I can make it. What the fuck did you just say? I can shoot that basketball right in that hole. Oh, God.

Slam drunk is talking some smackeroonies. Yeah, what happened there? Yeah. All right, William, well, so much fun. Great set, great interview. Great talk with your pops. There he goes, the great William Montgomery. RIP Jack Nicholson.

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This is an exciting one. We have our preselected four in the bucket. A couple of these people I thought were new people that haven't had a shot yet. This is one of those people that I thought were new. But it turns out he was on a few weeks ago, he said.

So let's see what happens here. The comedy stylings of Reagan Wartner, everyone. Here we go. Hey! Yeah, everyone. Here we go. Hey, yeah, yeah. Please step back from that ledge, my friend. Here he is, Reagan Wartner. So over the past year, a lot of my friends have been of the female variety, you know.

And with this, I learned they like to talk about their significant other's sex life in a pretty great detail. And I hate this, you know, it's a lose-lose. They're going to lock in on one big flaccid disappointment, or they're just going to write me off to begin with. I mean, I can't have you spouting all our dirty deeds to the whole world. I mean, I think that's why Bill Cosby did what he did, you know. I mean, everyone knew how much he hated a dirty joke.

So, uh, San Diego Comic-Con what he did, you know? I mean, everyone knew how much he hated the dirty joke. So, uh, San Diego Comic-Con just got canceled, you know? I mean, it's a shame. I had my costume ready and everything. I mean, I was going to go as the Batman, you know, had the rice hat, the chopsticks. Only missing the COVID, you know? But it's looking like I'm not going to be able to get the COVID.

So I'm going to have to go to one of those COVID parties. Have you guys heard about those? you know but it's looking like i'm not gonna be able to get the covid like they're so i'm gonna have to go to one of those uh covid parties have you guys heard about those where you go and intentionally try to catch a disease new disease i'm just like going to gay bar in the 80s reagan wartner so reagan let's talk about it how long you've been doing stand-up about a month about a month no better month to start stand-up than this month the craziest thing i've ever heard in my life you have all the uh you have the on-stage energy of a man that's been doing it one month in august of 2020 of all the months that was way better than your last set though.

That they didn't remember. That they forgot you were here. So that's probably a good reason. It was definitely good. It was a little bit frightening when you started talking about how women talk about sex.

You don't want them to talk about your dirty deeds. And then you went straight into a straight into a hardcore Cosby joke. Yes. Rationalizing that, what again? That he was into raping because he liked clean jokes? Because he didn't want the women to make dirty jokes about him.

I actually think that there's a good joke in there. It's just there's like a million words you don't need. But there is something funny about the reason he drugged them is because he didn't want them talking shit. It's a good, your brain is going in the right direction. But your eyes are not. You shouldn't be looking back here. drugged them is because he didn't want them talking shit on it's a good your brain is going in the right direction but your eyes are not you shouldn't be looking back here I mean Cosby is a great comedian

don't sleep on him you basketball players love Bill Cosby is that correct yeah man I never sleep on Bill Cosby how about you slam drunk what are your thoughts about Cosby you're a woman yeah I've never heard anything bad about the guy I don't get any of the jokes you guys are talking about Cosby or a woman. Yeah, I've never heard anything bad about the guy.

I don't get any of the jokes you guys are talking about. Did he do something? Did he do something? You don't know, Rim Job? Nah, I don't have a TV, man. Wait, what year is this? You know, we're on the street all the time. Yeah, what year do you guys exist? Yo, 2020.

That's why my ball was flat. Oh, shit. We don't have time for pop culture. We're on the court playing ball. Social distance, I hope. Of course. Man, they took out a lot of the rims of the park, man. You gotta go to special parks to get a baseball.

Reagan, uh, Wartner. Where are you originally from? Minnesota. Minnesota. How long have you been in Los Angeles, California? Moved here during the pandemic. Oh my God. Moved here during the pandemic. These are the hardest laughs of the night, by the way,

that anybody's got. I've seen a lot of traveling in my day. That might be the worst. Now, did you move out here because you were watching Kill Tony and you were like, I want to come out and start doing stand-up? Sure, why not? Oh, don't lie to us now. So when exactly did you move from Minnesota?

What month are we talking about here? Pre or post George Floyd. Right after George Floyd. Oh, that's why you moved. Right after George Floyd. Were you close to that incident? I wasn't working in that area at the time, but I lived right by there.

Is that your favorite cop? Oh my goodness. So you live, how far do you live from where he was, where he passed away? About 40 minutes. Oh sure, murdered for all the ones that passed away.

For all the people that have marched and whatnot. I guess I'll say the word murder. He gently passed into the night. I mean, I guess so. He did fall asleep first. I'm not gonna lie. He died in his sleep. He passed away from natural causes on that

street. Jesus. I'm kidding. Is this the second episode that he's been on? Maybe it's him. Maybe it's him. No, I'm about. Is this the second episode that he's been on? Maybe it's him. Maybe it's him next to the bat. No, I'm about to call a technical on this show right now. All right. So how far away did you live from there? About 40 minutes.

Oh, 40 minutes isn't close at all. I mean, yeah, not like super close. Wow, you're trying to be close to the drama. That's weird. My goodness. It seems like you're closer to Stephen Avery's junkyard than George Floyd. He's in Wisconsin. So what do you do for work?

I'm a Postmates driver now. Did you inherit a bunch of money from a recently dead grandparent? No. Have you or has someone you loved recently been diagnosed with mesothelioma? Did you save a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico? This is what happens. You get bored after 480 episodes or something. Have you or someone?

All right. Tell us something interesting about you. So I found out I have a $515 claim against me yesterday what kind of claim so apparently i didn't cancel my gym membership and so they're trying to put a claim against me get the fuck out of here you had a gym membership no look at those biceps of course he does i'm just kidding i mean it's mostly steroids this was in uh this was in minnesota yes and you didn't cancel well i called them and canceled, but they needed it in writing because they

couldn't go there during COVID. Well, then they lose and you win. I mean, I'm not going to pay it. Yeah, fuck that. But you have to make sure that... Yeah, don't fuck your credit up, though. You have to make sure that you take care of it with them. You have to be very straightforward

with them. And this is very straightforward with them and this is sponsored by or else it's going to affect no they went they already brought it to like a debt collector how they never even told me about it how much is your monthly gym membership it was 50 well they did 25 every two weeks which is weird yeah that is weird so after like the first month of not paying they just said oh well we'll just keep on charging him for it. Yeah. No, during COVID they kept on charging me.

And like, I, so I tried to can't like stop it. Cause I'm like, you can't charge me during when it's not open. So then that's the reason why I blocked my credit card. That's why it won't go there. This is why you won't go to the gym.

I will only go into that pizza one. That's planet fitness. They actually have pizza at their gym. So you have a claim against you to the gym. I'm only going to that pizza one. That's Planet Fitness. They actually have pizza at their gym. So you have a claim against you at the gym. What else is going on in life? So just moved to a new apartment out of a co-living place, which is awesome. What's co-living? Like a roommate?

It's a cool way of saying roommate. No, it's much worse than a roommate. Share a bathroom? It's like eight roommates in one room. Oh, shit. Tell us more. Explain it. Four bunk beds?

No, so they have these holes in the wall, these pod holes. Webcams. You climb into. They do have webcams all in the house. Go ahead. Keep telling us about the fudge. I think you were on the show Big Brother, and you didn't realize it. So there's like about eight

pods in a room and then one bathroom and yeah it's really bad oh my god how much is your rent that rent was eight hundred dollars what we've had we've had somebody on the show before that someone did that eight hundred dollars a month so now now is that what you did before is that where you're living now i just moved out of there i only stayed there for a month. So now, is that what you did before or is that where you're living now? I just moved out of there. I only stayed there for a month. So now where have you moved into? Now you have what? A couple months. Apartment right by the shittier side

of La Brea. The shittier side of La Brea. That's both sides. So, I don't know. La Brea and what? Right in the middle of Hollywood area. In the Hollywood area. Willoughby. Willoughby. There you go. What the Hollywood area. Willoughby. Willoughby. Yes. There you go.

What's the number? Willoughby is a great street. Tucked snugly between Santa Monica and Melrose, I do believe. Tony also is an Uber Eats driver. Yes. I deliver food all the time. I will be at Willoughby and Santa Monica in eight minutes. Whoa.

Whoa. All right. So what's the craziest thing that's happened to you while you've been delivering Postmates or whatever that you do? Postmates. Well, yesterday I had to leave and well, I just left because there's this crazy meth head who wouldn't get out of the way of my car. Did you just say oot?

Out. Oot. Wouldn't get out to the. They're close to Canada. Yeah. The Minnesotans. Yeah, they get weird like that. They don't even know they did it.

Very passive investment. Minnesota. Yeah, but so she just kept on going all around my car and wouldn't let me leave for like 10 minutes. It was a girl? That actually happened to me recently. I had a crazy guy that was on math, and he started...

He went on the... I was at a meter, busy street. We'll say Beverly Boulevard, right? And I was at a meter busy street we'll say Beverly Boulevard right and I was at a meter and I get back into my car I'm on a phone call too at the time and so I'm not really moving but I prepaid the meter so I'm like I'm just gonna chill here and

the guy has no shirt on one of these ripped fucking Latino I mean totally messed up though totally like breaking bad like fucking Tuco Latino guy you know what I'm talking about back there and he takes he has his shirt in his

hand and he starts like detailing my tire he's like man these these tires are way too awesome to have this kind of like dust on a man something like that and I'm like it's okay pal you don't have to do that oh pal yeah whatever and i'm like it's okay pal you don't have to do that oh pal yeah whatever and he's like no uh no i'm gonna do it man it's just from the heart from the heart i'm like no

seriously if it's from the heart it's gonna have to be i don't have any cash on me i cannot pay you for this and he goes i don't need your fucking cash i'm a zillionaire and i just rolled up the window because i was trying to complete this phone call. It already sounded like I was in a bad neighborhood to the person that I was talking to. It was already bad and embarrassing. So anyway. Yeah, I tried to roll down the window and just give her a dollar so she'd leave me alone.

But then I rolled it down and she's just sitting there just screaming, just nonsense. So I'm just like, okay, never mind. I just rolled back up the window. There was one point where the light turned red at the intersection that was traffic was that and i swear to god the guy's like it's been like three minutes now and at this point i'm annoyed because i can't drive away and i can't get him away i've already tried like now i've tried multiple times like please man please i'm begging

you you don't have to do it but like this guy could snap it and he has veins popping out of his neck and chest and shit and at one point the light turns red and traffic stops and i swear to god a cop car with two cops in the suv stops like right next to me but i don't want to be like excuse me officers this guy is cleaning my tire right but instead i gave them like this sort of like that because I just wanted to be quiet and the guy looks right at me and I'm like I point at that guy cleaning my

tire and I give him the old like I don't know what the fuck this guy's doing we got a switch in a Corvette but I didn't say anything and what but the cop basically looked at me like fuck fuck you, buddy, because we've been defunded.

I live in that neighborhood and it's just gone fully homeless. Tony's like, Black Corvettes matter, man. Come on, help me out over here, dog. It's unbelievable what has happened to one of the loveliest neighborhoods in Los Angeles

since the big riot in June. It's absolutely incredible. It really changed the dynamic. They burned a couple cop cars and now... Good thing we solved racism, though. Totally worth it. Great job, everybody. Anyway, Reagan, anything else?

So my mom's getting divorced. Whoa! For the second time. I know, I was going to say say and your dad isn't uh-oh what did you do dad yeah they got divorced a long time ago why is your mom getting divorced because apparently like the her husband is being weird so he's like a a narc like a narcotics officer oh jesus and um he's getting retired and he's just acting super strange, like it's super mad all the time.

He's dabbing in his own supply. Is he collecting minerals and stuff like Hank did in Breaking Bad when he wasn't able to work? He's like William Montgomery's drug dealer. So do you think your mom and dad will get back together? Hell no. No no they hate each other

oh damn do you have siblings yes yeah you have a sister yep uh well two stepsister three stepsisters whoa no real sister like my favorite porno but what i was wondering is his since my mom's getting divorced i mean it doesn't count. You're allowed to go for it. They're step-siblings. Does that mean they're open game now? Fair game, dude. You could do that anyway, so let's be honest.

Yeah, we know that you have. You ever jerk off to your stepsister's underwear or something? You ever rub her underwear on your dick? You ever do anything weird with your stepsisters? Tell the fucking truth, dude. I have never done anything weird with my stepsisters. Come on, you think that clip's gonna get us a lot of hits? Come on, dude.

Tell us what you did to her. My younger stepsister's like a butch, so. Ooh, a challenge. I love that. It changed her. It's good to try. Turn that Lesbo. Turn that Lesbo.

It's good to try. I thought you had to start a chant. Okay. Go ahead. Just let it out. There you go. So not into the butch, huh? Not into the butch, you know. How about the more feminine stepsisters? You think you should call one right now

and tell her that you've always wanted to fuck her? How many of you think that's a good idea? I'll do it. No, don't do it. Don't do it. There he goes. Reagan Wartner showing improvement.

His second time on Kill Tony. One month of experience. He's having quite a career already. He's having quite a career. Yeah, I always wanted a Corvette my whole life. Or not Corvette, a convertible my whole life. Yeah. And I found out very quickly that you do not want a convertible at some red lights.

Because you'll just be sitting there and there'll just be like crazy people like lurching over. And you're like, oh, God. That's why I have a roof for it. Yeah. I have a convertible and I very rarely use it. It's actually quite shocking. Even on beautiful days and things like that, like the sun is

fucking aggressive and it gets way too hot. The roast mass he's afraid of the sun. No, I already have enough sun. I don't know if you could tell, but I look like a fucking homeless. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Vitamin D.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Kenith Burnett. What's up, Kill Tony? Make some noise in this bitch. Alright, what's going on, man? My name is Kenith. It's a very simple name but people always mess it up for some reason like i got a job at this mediterranean restaurant and the lady

she's like hey canoe can you come help me with the trash i'm like bitch i am not a water raft like the fuck like 10 minutes later she's like hey, can you come help me out on the grill? I'm like, bitch, I am not a boat, okay? I understand if our conversations are making you wet, but I am not, okay? Well, fuck y'all. I'm half white, and sometimes that works out in my favor, but not like you think it does. It's not like I get pulled over by the police and I just pull out a picture of me and my mom at the Grand Canyon

like, am I free to go, sir? They're like, nah, we're going to have to have you step outside the car. We're going to need to see who this white woman is. She might be missing. Alright, that's me. There you go. Exactly one minute.

What's up, Tony? You had a white mom? Yes, I do. She has a black name, though. Her name's Regina. Oh, shit. My goodness. My brother once had a black girlfriend named Regina.

He said it more black. He was like, Regina. Well, she says it like Regina. Oh, she tries to be Italian. My mom used to. Well, she says it like Regina. Oh. She tries to be Italian. My mom used to be a little thot, just a little bit. Parmesan, Regina. Lovely, lovely.

Where's that at? Where's my mom? Yep. My mom lives in North Carolina, and I'm from North Carolina. Oh, nice. I moved to California like eight years ago. Lovely, lovely. You go back to North Carolina and visit a lot?

I actually drove from San Diego to fucking North Carolina in three days. Which car? Acura, 2006. Damn. And, yeah, it was good. What were some highlights of that road trip? I feel like not enough people. I feel like the biggest highlight is I didn't get coronavirus and we stopped in Texas,

you know, so that was good. I saw my dad. That's the best. That was like the one thing I did. I went to go see my dad on Father's Day. Did you find him?

He was just walking down the street. No, man. I know my dad. Don't do that, Tony. Okay, I'm sorry. It's a stereotype. You did pitch it like you found him.

My dad had paid child support. He actually went down and signed up himself, Tony. They didn't have to chase him out of the crack house or anything. This guy's like the Jackie Robinson of child support. And then he would come and get me once a month, take me

to McDonald's and then Excuse me, what was that? McDonald's. McDonald's. Yeah, that's McDonald's, but it's a Mac. Yeah, McDonald's. And we would sit in front of the house, and this is where I learned how to call a woman a bitch. Wait, is your dad David Lucas?

No. I think I'm a little bit older than David. Why do you think you call it McDonald's? I'm from North Carolina. North Carolina. Did they call their most popular sandwich a Big Mick? Is it like Switch or is that? Last time you guys roasted me because I had on a red shirt

and you guys said I looked like I worked at McDonald's. Well, now you look like you have the Jay Leno collection shirt on. The old Jay Jay Leno collection. I broke into Guy Fieri's house, and I stole this shirt. I'm sorry, Guy. That is awesome. I like your style, man. I do.

You've lived in L.A. for eight years? No, I lived in San Diego for like eight years. I was living in L.A. for like a year prior to years i moved i was living in la for like a year prior to the coronavirus so i've been out here like a year and a half you know okay it's been good though i've had some good treating you how what have you been doing during this quarantine well i got i fucked the stimulus money up like yeah what'd you spend it on you know like miko said you get the bag and tumble it i fumbled the shit right i fumbled it tell us some of the fun stuff you spent your money on i was doing dumb shit like

buying 90 pre-rolls you know oh god like i just did that i literally just think i would have jordan's before the coronavirus come on this is 170 wait was that was that from one of my favorite shoe stores on melrose did you get those in June? I got these in. These are like the best shoes they had in Greensboro, North Carolina. I just got them. I think they look good. They look good. Yeah. It's worth it. Did you think at all

on that one wild night about looting at all? Did looting cross your mind? You know what? I wanted to, but like... I mean, I... I'd be running people over with cars and shit. I was watching it live on the news, and I'm like, but like. I mean, I did. They'd be running people over cars and shit. I was watching it live on the news. I'm like, I could get there in 10 minutes and get it. Not only.

10 minutes by e-bike? That's fast, man. It is. I mean, Rick Kosick, my neighbor right there, and I actually weathered that storm together. We walked out to the intersection. What, you guys started the George Floyd protest? No, the night of the big la riot though uh you know rick is my uh very close next door neighbor

and um we're very like neighbors as opposed to a far away next door neighbor jesus christ okay way to squeeze that one in there joel i have youtube comments back there my god yes yes anyway and uh for example like the trader joe's was wide open and the paper source like these are behind you know anyway it's right around where we live i've been arrested once i don't want to be arrested again i spent exactly 12 hours in jail and that's enough That was enough. I learned my lesson. Did your butthole get it? Actually, you know what? Once you get past the fact that you can't leave jail, it's actually kind of relaxing.

It's actually kind of relaxing. In 12 hours you got there? Man. That's like being on the bench and just accepting your fate as a player. They broke me in around 1130. bench and just accepting your fate as a player. They broke me in around 11.30. I was in my room

by midnight. Then I posted a bell at noon. What jail was this? In North Carolina? Yes. Is it Maximum Security? Home of the first sit-ins. What happened?

Maximum Security because of McDonald's. Oh. I didn't think it was funny, but, you know. I agree with you. It was maximum. But I enjoy him, you know. I enjoy him. As opposed to far away neighbors.

I'm kind of nervous you guys got a white woman on stage. And I'm not going to lie. You guys kind of make me nervous. No, you're good. You're good. I like your honesty, but you don't have to be nervous. But I do. I was traumatized by one of you.

What? Really? Yes. Did I traumatize you? It's always you're not a white woman, Tony. I mean, I wish it was me. I wish I had the voice of a white woman. In high school, this white girl liked me.

Another white girl lied and said that I touched the white girl. The white girl said I didn't even touch her. And I still got suspended from school. My dad took me home. You should have had your mom pick you up. You would have gotten off. You didn't even get to touch her? I didn't even touch her.

You know what, Annie? You should let him get a free... I'm kidding. I'm just joking. I was ready to. I was like, these are my reparations. Here we go. Let me put my mask on.

I'm with you. Have'm just joking. I was ready to. I was like, these are my reparations. Here we go. Have a grab. But no, so my dad didn't say shit to me on the way home. He got me home. He sat down. Turned around. And he just slapped the shit out of me. He was like, boy, don't you know you can go to jail for that type of shit?

No McDonald's for three months. Yeah. I don't know. I was in 10th grade. I'd never even talked to white girls like until I was like just like I just spoke to you just now, you know.

Well, welcome back. Thank you. Are you all liars? You haven't talked to white girls. No, I'm joking. I had it. Oh, yeah.

Look, I'm looking to start having sex with them more and I maybe not marry. What do you mean by more? How many white girls have you had sex with? I fuck like four white girls. When's the last time? Yo, one more. You're out, dog. 2018

I fucked this girl. She was like 19. Wait, say that again. I just did it. Say it again. 2018 I was 27. She was 19. Wow. Okay, you scouting young. I like that. I walk the line. I walk the line. I walk the line.

I check the ID, though. Good boy. Very good. Good job. Well, that's fun. So it's been that long since a white girl? Real question, because I'm curious when I hear that people check IDs and stuff. How long before you had sex did

you check the ID was it a casual thing like you do that while you're you gotta do some you gotta pull some mac shit and you gotta be like hey babe go in the store and buy this for me so you don't ask them for it right but you ask them to buy you a pack of cigarettes and a six pack of beer and you see what they come out with. Cigarellos. Gummy bears. Over 18, but under 21. Hey babe, go rent this car for me. Yo, can you get some scratch off tickets while you're in there? Scratch.

Yo, you want to go get a tattoo real quick? Hop out real quick? Yo, vote for me. I only got this mama's milk. Alright. I said get beer, vote for me. I only got this mama's milk. Alright. I said get beer, not Gerber. Yo, Tony, I gotta talk to you about something.

I walked up on you one night and I asked you about Me? Yeah, I walked up on you. I walked on you. I was like five minutes late, by the way. But he just said walk. No, go ahead. And I told you I wanted to do a rap battle with your boy in Arizona.

Right, Tristan. Tristan, good guy, good guy. And you said, yeah, sure, set it up. Oh, Jesus, why do I have to sound like that? That's what you sound like. That's accurate. Everybody's goddamn impression of me. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm an idiot. I hit him up, and he was down with the shit, and then coronavirus hit, and then I hit him up. But after, like, yo, let's go to the store now. They're doing it. And I ain't mad at him, but I feel like he ducking me. He's in love right now. I know.

I was in love, too. He's in love. He's in love. He's making sweet love right now. I ain't mad at him. He's a good guy. Yeah. But I'll tell you this.

When things get up and running, I know for a fact. I want to do that. You know, Tristan, when the pressure's on big audiences, that's when he shines. So he's probably waiting until the energy's back. I'll wash the floor with him if you set it up. Hey, man, I can't wait. I'm pretty sure. I'm not going to lose a rap battle to a white boy in the middle of a civil rights movement.

I'm just not going to do it. Oh, shit. But what if you do? Now I want to see this. I just can't do that shit. We have to have behind Tristan a Confederate flag and have it really be real. This is it. There's a Macklemore joke here somewhere.

If you guys want to look for it. Oh, I like that. Get it, Mack? I think you just did it. And I can give myself a rim shot, you fucking idiots. Rim shot from rim job. There you go. All right, Kenneath.

Well, so much fun. Great fucking interview. Have a good night. What a great guest. Great flow. Kenneath Burnett. All right. It's at one of those times right now where I get to bring up one of my favorite comedians, guys.

This guy for sure knows something or other about being an African-American. Am I right? I love this guy. We're good friends. Hang out all the time. Here's David Lucas, everybody. Yeah. Girls

swear it hurt us when they tell us you'll never meet another woman like me. And it's kind of like, bitch, that was what I was aiming for. Like, love is not hard to find. Women always make it seem like you'll never love again like you love me. Like, I convinced myself to love a dog, and all that nigga do is piss and eat. So it won't be too hard to love a bitch that fucks me and get on my nerves. It's not. Love is not hard. Who the fuck won't fall in love with somebody that fucks them three or four times a week?

Like, I'd be in love like a motherfucker. I think the perfect woman is a deaf mute. I think that's my perfect chick. She can't hear shit or say shit. Like, Helen Keller would have been my perfect bitch. She can't hear shit or say shit. Like, Helen Keller would have been my perfect bitch. That'd be a 10 in my book.

I want me old Helen Keller ass bitch. You can't see your hair? Oh, hell yeah. You won't see me cheating on your ass. And you won't hear me opening this door at 4 in the morning. Awesome. That's a minute from David Lucas. David Lucas. I gotta hear hear her.

Let me just tell you my insight on a set like that is that I don't even think you would have gotten through 40 seconds of stuff that you talked about. Because I think if there was an audience and a pause after you won't meet another woman like me after you tell a girl you don't want to be with her anymore that's exactly what I was looking for I mean that would just be one of those slow builders that starts sort of like boom and then it just builds I've seen it

enough times to recognize it and then the dog part it's interesting how weird the translation of well written jokes and the timing and everything. It's so off. But if you have an ear for it. Right, right, right. Because that's extremely smart.

I haven't heard that before. You won't meet another woman like me. Like, why do they say that if you're breaking up with them? It's a beautiful blessing. Thank you. Exactly. Bitch, you slashed my tires and broke my windshield why the fuck do I want

a liability in my life I love it man real quick I want to give a shout out comedy store icon right here in the room right now a guy who has I believe okay he's walking away he just walked away everybody a comedy store legend the great Jeff Scott is here

everybody house piano player at the comedy store for well Comedy store legend, the great Jeff Scott is here, everybody. Oh, my God. House piano player at the comedy store for well over two decades, almost three. A guy who is extremely respected and loved by absolutely everyone. Absolutely. And, you know, Jeff told me a piece of advice because, as a lot of people may or may not know, door guys get the opening spots on a lot of people may or may not know, door guys get the opening spots on a lot of the main room

and original room shows. I paid attention to what you said, Jeff. Jeff said he misses the days when Mitzi had the opening comics introduce him. I'm like, if that means that much to him, I can take 20 seconds out of my set to introduce Jeff Scott tickling the keys.

The best part is that Mitzi never told him that and he just tricked him. He just owned you. You got Jeff. He played you like a fool, dude. Man, Mitzi used to make all the opening comedians give the piano player a hundred bucks. And a blowjob. And a blowjob.

Yes, suck my dick. Sure do miss those Mitzi days. Also, some of the coolest Halloween costumes. Yeah, it's incredible. I've seen this guy turn into a dinosaur, turn into a skeleton man. He made a dinosaur thing out of milk cartons. He starts right after Halloween for the next year. He really puts a lot of effort in.

It's good. Hey, Tony, you know what my favorite Halloween costume is my mom did for me? What were you? She gave me a white t-shirt. Honey, I blew up the Bebe's kids. God, you racist motherfucker. Was it a creamsicle and you're wearing it now? She gave me a

white t-shirt and a red hat and told me I was a gallon of milk. You'd be a Trump supporter now, which is amazing. Or Good Burger. Yeah. That's funny. What are you going to be for Halloween, Tony? Oh, you know me.

I'm going to be a gay guy. You're going to be a toilet seat. Yeah, that's right. You know me. You know me. You're allowed to just sit on me, and then you can either take a number one or a number two. Or just pee on you. Sure.

Absolutely. You pee on the toilet seat? All the time. What the fuck's wrong with you? Yes, he does. Look at him. He makes Helen Keller clean it up. It depends on if the toilet got stains in it, because if the toilet got stains, I pee on the stains.

Oh, you try to get rid of the stains. That makes sense. I'm upset. I like going to the bars that got you try to get rid of the stains. That makes sense. I'm upset. I like going to the bars that got the little soccer balls in their urinals. Oh, where are those at? I'm trying to think where the fuck those at. Maybe at the Denver airport. Oh my goodness, little soccer balls in there?

Where they have little games so when you pee, you're like, Oh my God, they don't have anything in the girls' room for that. You guys just have to sit down and let it flow. We just have dildos in the toilet for us to sit on. It's not fair. Tony went in there before you? What? She said there were dildos in the toilet.

All they do is they put these dildos that go up and down in the toilet at the Denver airport. It's not fair. Stop snitching on that nigga. Are those pilot wings on your shoulder? Yeah, you earned those. Microsoft simulator. Yeah, yeah. They're Trump wings. I earned my wings. You let the pilot sit on your shoulder? Yeah, you earned those. Microsoft simulator. Yeah, yeah. They're Trump wings.

I earned my wings. You let the pilot sit on you. Yep, that's it. They call me the cockpit. Stupid. Alright, what else is going on in normal life? David saw your wings. He got hungry. Hey man, shut your

broke dirt and whiskey licking ass up. Alright. Okay. What else you been up to? I'm going deep sea fishing tomorrow. Oh, my goodness. Really? Are you going to just jump in the water and just sink?

I don't think fish like dark meat, nigga. Oh, my goodness. Where are you going? Long Beach. They always have Groupons for that where you can go out there. Well, here's the story, though. All right, so I'm in negotiations of producing my first movie in Georgia, right? So the guy asked me to be a producer, so he just called me tonight.

He's like, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm going on a fishing trip. I'll buy you a ticket right now. I'm going to pick you up at 430 in the morning, and we can discuss everything. So I'm like, oh, shit, let's do it. He's going to murder you. Deep sea. Remake Free Willy? You might catch a Marlon, brother.

I'll share my location with everybody on Kill Tony the whole time. Well, it doesn't really help when you are in the ocean. But, I mean, at least y'all know where I left from. He's going to try to fuck you or murder you. Yeah. I'll take my pistol with me, man. I'll take my Glock 19. You're not going to take your pistol with you.

Can you imagine if David drowned and the police find him and they're like, you know, this body, we found his extremely bloated body and I'm just like, yeah, he's only in the water for 20 minutes. Like his Glock was weighing him down. He sunk to

the bottom because he had a gun in his pocket. What if it's because you bring the gun, the guy tries to fuck you, and then you're so startled that your gun fires into the boat's bottom, and then it sinks because of the hole you shot in. You gotta squeeze the trigger. It's a Glock, not a high point. But what if one of your rolls just went in the boat?

Oh my God. You wanna talk about rolls, motherfucker? Yeah. What's your favorite? I like fire rolls. Get your ass out of here, boy. Fire rolls? Yeah.

You guys talking about sushi? Yeah. What kind of rolls you talking about? Oh my god. I know in between your shit smell like a California roll, nigga. Imitation. No, that doesn't make sense. I dated an Asian girl.

It should smell more like an Asian roll. That's why she like it, nigga. Yo, I was at the airport this week and there was a Wendy's next to a Panda Express and I thought of you, dog. Wow, that's like... I mean, I like

Wendy's. I don't really care for Panda Express. Yeah, but you're saying it so seriously. But the girls working there, it's like... Oh, I see. They don't got no Asians. They got Mexicans at Panda Express. Hello, Brian. Hey, can I get an orange chicken? You want a lo mein?

Everybody sounds like what's her name that sings the song. Oh, that chick. That crazy. What's her name? Lo mein? She's a legend. Oh, what is it?

It's Nicole Tran. Yeah. Tony is the boy. I miss Nicole. Yeah, Nicole's the shit. We got to get Nicole back soon. Did we talk to her over the quarantine? I think we did.

I think we did. We had a pandemic talk with her. Yeah. Yeah, bro. So shit. That, going deep sea fishing, it started at the MMA gym last week. There you go. That's why I wasn't here because I fucking fucked my neck up.

Really? Yeah. Day one? Day. But that's my first time being on a mat in like 10 years. You know, I used to wrestle in high school. So I ain't really like wrestled or grappled or anything in like 10 years. And then how long did you wrestle for?

How long were you on the mat for? Yesterday. I mean, last week, we did three three-minute rounds, and that shit felt like I ran for two hours. Right. Yes, it's extremely hard. Hard to not vomit after three three-minute rounds straight on. Yep.

And then one time, he caught me in the stomach with a knee, and I felt like I was really dying, bro. When you already at point of it. So it made me like earn a new respect for like UFC fighters. Because I'm like these guys are exhausted, getting choked out. Oh, yeah. Arm bars and they're not tapping. Right.

That's a lot of fucking heart, man. That's crazy. They do usually tap if the arm bar isn't clean. Two things you can't really get away from is a real rear naked choke and an arm bar. Yeah. Am I right? My jiu-jitsu specialist back here. Yeah, I can't watch MMA

with people who don't respect that because they're always like, why doesn't he just stand up and knock him out, dude? I would have just stood up. Idiots. Yeah. Idiots.

You ever play basketball? Because we need a big man. Yeah, I hoop. I hoop. I can shoot like a motherfucker. Really? Is that true? Yeah.

My goodness gracious. Who do you think shoots better? You or... I'll out-shoot anybody on stage and I'll put money a motherfucker. Really? Is that true? Yeah. My goodness gracious. Who do you think shoots better? You or. I'll out shoot anybody on stage and I'll put money on that. Okay. Let's grab a, let's grab a trash can or something. Somebody want to grab the trash can out of the main room green room? Yeah, let's do that.

Let's see what happens here. It's going to be our first. I'm right here. It's going to be our first ever Kill Tony shoot-off. This is very exciting. Not a shoot-out, a shoot-off. That's right. No shootings here.

There you go. That's good. That'll work. We don't... Yep. Here we go. Okay. Now pretend the ball is your sperm and this is a fertile egg, okay?

Make it happen. Good luck. Let me get the brown ball is your sperm and this is a fertile egg. Okay. Make it happen. Good luck. Let me get the round ball. Go stand with David. I'm not putting that right there. I'll put it out on the edge. There's no way a basketball will fit in there. I'm not going to fit in that anyway. Give me a fucking basketball. Throw me the... Jesus Christ. No, no, no, no, no. It's going to break something. No, it's not. Break what?

What are you talking about? How bad are you? I'm going to make it right now. Yeah. Make sure I don't break anything. Oh, right off the front of the rim. So close. My rebounder actually somehow let the ball roll right over. Yay, there it is.

Yeah, put it over there. Put it over there. Put it over there. It's been a long time since Brian's been near a basketball. He thinks that they fly multiple feet any direction. Put it over there. Okay. Take the trash bag off. It's okay, Brian.

Relax. It's all good. Play the Harlem Globetrotter music. Oh, you look at home. I love them. Take it over there. Play the Harlem Globetrotter music. This is perfect.

This is our first ever Kill Tony shootout here. Why do you put it on the ground? That's what's all about shooting hot. Oh! He did it cocky as shit too. Can we get a light over there? Jesus Christ.

Okay. Well, David Luke, Jeremiah. I had a feeling Jeremiah wasn't going to like this very much. He didn't think we would call his bluff. His flat-ass ball. He's going to blame it on the ball. Here we go. Jeremiah with a big shot.

Oh! This is incredible. The lighting just simply could not be any worse for this, but we're trying our best. Can we get maybe... All right, now he's putting your note. There we go. Can we get like all...

Yeah. Sure. Here we go. Oh! Nobody has missed. For those of you keeping track, nobody has missed the first ever Kill Tony basketball shootout. Oh, Jeremiah from way downtown.

Oh, he gets rejected by the ceiling. That's it. For those of you paying attention, the game is over. The black man won the basketball game. Oh, there it is. All right, all right. All right. See, you should have quit when you were at. Okay. That's it, everybody. There you go. Jeremiah is still Jeremiah not taking this loss

easy at all. This is so fun. It's over. It's over, Jeremiah. It's over. All right. This is the last one. There you go. Good job. That's it. Jeremiah, get back on stage. This is it. Last one. There you go. Good job. That's it. Jeremiah, get back on stage.

There you go. He missed. That's the end of that segment, Jeremiah. Get back on stage. That was fun. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. David, no. Don't make us edit out a whole another chunk of this stop fucking playing Jesus

fucking Christ bunch of goddamn animals in here oh my god Tony trying to get Jeremiah to stop but he's like good job buddy okay it's over now the round's over bouncing the ball off the ceiling great work bud he just fucking Brad Williams rest in peace just got crushed

by a basketball. He was gonna pop in. Oh my god. He was gonna pop out of the trash can. We can do that though, man. Get out of my house. I guess the Brad Williams segment. David's so much fun. I'll see you next week.

There goes David Lucas, everybody. On to the next one we go. Holy shit, that's funny. David Lucas, everybody. On to the next one we go. Holy shit, that's funny. Some great shooting. David and Jeremiah could not miss until they started missing. Yeah, I would like to actually see them play. One on one. Yeah, we might have to

I love how clean you guys are being. The Kill Tony Olympics could start any day now. Yeah, I'm better at not playing with trash cans. Alright, this is exciting. This guy has had an ongoing storyline on this show, and he's great every single time he's ever been on. So he's back again. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Joseph.

Here we go. It's that time. All right. I install security cameras during the day it's uh usually for like paranoid women that are afraid to live alone i'm thinking about getting a job doing it too i had this uh dream that my stepmom died last night and my whole family was crying, freaking out, and I just woke up drenched in my own semen. This brother, he's adopted from Africa, and he recently came out of the closet to my parents,

and we're all pretty obsessed. We really try to make that closet feel like home. Everyone knows China's racist. They talk about they eat dogs and women are second-class citizens but there's a lot of bad stuff too. There's this construction crew next to my house driving me crazy every morning I've made reports yelled at them but I still hear them speaking Spanish Ryan Joseph alright Ryan Joseph did it again

that was funny thank you I like that you did it in the we can do it strong girl hat yeah keep myself going you look like Sean That was funny. Thank you. I like that you did it in the We Can Do It Strong Girl hat. Yeah. Yeah, you look like Sean when he was a bad boy on Boy Meets World. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I forgot about that.

I forgot about that show. This is what Chris Benoit. Rider Strong. Oh, that's funny. This is what Chris Benoit looked like when he was murdering his family. Who's that? Chris Benoit. He's a wrestler. murdering his family. Who's that? Chris Benoit. He's a wrestler.

Known for being short and strong and effective. I don't know. Chris Benoit murdered his family. Very famous. Thank you. Yeah, you do look like you would just fucking murder everyone in your family. Yeah, lately I guess I do look like that. What did you look like before?

So keep us posted on how's the relationship been going? Pretty crazy. Catch Annie up a little bit. Give her the short end of what she's missed the last few weeks. In a nutshell, I started dating this girl during the pandemic. Basically, she was dating another guy at the same time as me and um but once we went exclusive she told me about him said she's gonna cut him off and everything like that took her on this nice trip to arizona we decided to go exclusive we get back and apparently like she

fucked him and uh didn't know about it and then uh and she also told me she'd never like talk to him again or whatever like that all that bullshit and um she said he said why don't you delete his number she did and then he goes why don't you unfollow him off instagram she's like i won't yeah it's very she's like i have to look at his hard cock and all those pictures pretty much well do you think it's because you thought you took her to a nice trip in arizona and she's like this guy thinks a nice trip is in arizona i gotta get back with this guy I'm still following on Instagram. I was running away from the riots. I was freaking out and I didn't even know that.

Are you scared of black people? Yes. You kind of have a Trump bandana. Do you really have everything red to Trump now? I do. My goodness. Even Native Americans. Your Trump lips.

Peppermints are white and Trump. I got a Trump spot in my panties once a month. He's a good marketer. He's a good marketer. You know how pink is for breast cancer, red is for Trump. It's good. It's good marketing. It's probably like at least the third or fourth most popular color in the world. He took it from fire engines.

It's no longer for fire. Wow. You mean Trump engines? Trump engines. Trump and? So I wonder what Donald Trump would say about being recognized for the color red, but I guess we're not going to find out because we don't have a soundboard or anything. How hard would I have to set this up exactly?

Let's see if we can get him on the line. He's a big fan of the show. Donald Trump. Annie has. Oh, boy. Bigly. OK. Bigly.

All right. Mr. President, Annie Letterman has stated on this show that, you know, Annie. So probably I'll sue her because it would be fun. Oh, my goodness. Wow. He's going to sue you. Even when I get my period, I think about him. What do you think about Annie's period?

And it only makes common sense. Okay. This isn't really working today, Mr. President. Because I'm chasing a dragon that only popped up once, huh? Thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. Good to have you on.

Thank you. That's the president of the United States of America, the owner of the color red, Donald Trump. It's true. Okay. So what's happened this week with this girlfriend? Okay. Let me just finish. Because last week.

Right. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. So I didn't know. I didn't care anything about it. But she kept being like, are you still talking to any of those girls that you were seeing and i was like no actually i told you i would delete all their shit but you won't delete that guy's

number and she's like i will right now and she deleted and i was like what about instagram and she's like i can't do that so then i knew right and then i came on talk to these guys and i freaked out because i knew it was building up and so I looked this guy up on Instagram he's a copywriter pretended I want to write a book and a trick I know I tricked him into being I was like literally tell her tell her tell her the like message exchange I was like hey man what's up I'm a comedian from LA I want to write a book I was wondering if uh because he knew that the guy was a copywriter yeah she said she didn't he didn't live in california i was like do you live in la he's like oh i do but i'm out of town

for now but i'll be back i was like okay and then i was like so i see your mutual friends with so and so when's the last time you've seen her man i haven't seen her in a while he's like oh we talk all the time i saw her like three weeks ago and I was like, I took a screenshot, sent it to her and then it just started. You couldn't even wait, huh? You didn't even, have you thought about it since then

how you would have handled it differently with all the information that you gathered? You got excited. You blew your load. Then she, then you like sent me a picture of a fucking.

You're still on the phone with the guy. You're already sending her screenshots. I've been like haunted by images, man, of killing this guy, but I would never do that never do that never but seriously like hey y'all i'm gonna need a time out real quick i would never do it all right but like it's there it's not his fault anyways so he like sent me a picture of a knife and i was like what the fuck he's like keep

fucking around buddy and you'll see what's going on wait did he send me a picture of a knife. And I was like, what the fuck? He's like, keep fucking around, buddy. And you'll see what's going on. Wait, did he send you like an emoji of a knife? No, like his knife. It was like this weird, like the most threatening teenager ever. Yeah, yeah. He's like, you know, and that's what makes it worse. Because he's like this fucking loser in a cabin in Washington State. He's such an angry, he's such a violent copywriter. I would not want to start shit with a guy that lives in a cabin in Washington State. He's such an angry he's such a violent

copywriter. I would not want to start shit with a guy that lives in a cabin though. That's yeah I could I feel like I could take anybody in an apartment

or a house but a cabin that's where shit gets scary. Those guys they have to go get wood for their. Do you really think you could take anyone

in your apartment. Obviously I can't beat up. I don't know. Anyone that lives in an apartment or a house. I'm pretty sure Brock Lesnar doesn't live in a fucking

cabin. Anyway. Do I really think that? I'm just curious. I don't know. I'm learning you. No. So anything new this week? I'm learning you too. I'm learning you, boo. I'm learning you. My best friend, Tony.

So here we go. This week's update. Yeah, I just keep going back to her and we fight and then what do you do you make love yeah it's like really hot like jealous hate sex yeah which is nice but then like you know we'll try to like get it together and then i'll be like just have images of him like fucking her and her lines so you like it i'm telling you you're into this whole thing this is how I'm actually getting quite you want a girl that's also wanted by other people you're not used to that you've in your past you're with a lot of overweight girls with

like frumpy eyes and things like that am I right am I right when their eyes get fat I was only with like once they would wake up really swollen they had more swollen mornings not one semi fat chick one semi fat chick she came to my window and asked me to have sex with her because she came through your window she thought it was a drive-thru window wait what do you have it jesus was a sliding door yeah dude it's when i used to

like do drugs right what'd you say red band i said she thought it was a drive-thru window. That's so funny. Pretty much. Fred, man. I'm from Florida and it was when I used to do drugs. I was doing like Adderall and Coke the whole night. Wow. She shows up and she's like, my boyfriend just broke up with me.

You can do whatever you want to me. And what'd you do? Did I put you on a diet? Yeah. I was like, get you to the gym. Let's go jogging, bitch. You just started personally training her?

She had a pretty face. Did you have sex with her from behind, and then you tried to put it in her butthole, and she's like, backward violation. Wow. When you're on those kind of drugs, you can't get it up, right? You can't. I thought I already saw you take the longest shot I was going to see you take tonight. Nah, man.

That was half-court. Get ready for full-court, dog. Yeah. Okay, what did you do with the big girl, and what was different than sex with a normal- Normal, wow. Normal-shaped woman. I couldn't get it up because I was tweaking so bad,

so I was like, do you have any weed? And she's like, sure. And I smoked all her weed, and then I could bang her. And then you banged her. And then I was disgusted with myself, and I slept on the floor in the living room. Right, right, right. And why do you think you felt so disgusted?

I wasn't really attracted to her. I was on lots of drugs. How big are we talking about? Like David Lucas or William Montgomery? No, no, no. Are we talking on a one to red hand? No, no. I like petite, like thin girls.

The girl I'm dating now is Latina, right? Oh, dude, you're never going gonna get her to stop fucking she's gonna have other men's children while you're dating her there were red flags i got slapped by a bum on her second date i went to pick her up and you mean trump flags go ahead go ahead no i'm waiting to pick her up and i guess you can't take pictures of homeless people they get freaked out and like three guys like attacked my car one of them slapped me in the face and i kept thinking maybe that's a sign i shouldn't go on a date with this maybe it's a sign you shouldn't take pictures of homeless people yeah i didn't know but other people do steal their soul that's what i think i saw a sign on one of the tents near my house now

um the street tents that said don't take pictures of it it gets us homeless people raped I'm like what what the fuck I think I think living outside yeah it's the zipper I think that's getting you raped I didn't even see them I was taking pictures of the tanks like I hadn't been in you know

when you're a rapist someone in a tent is just one zipper more than you were going to pop up but you don't have to pop a button double the zippers but anyways she now like i also um went on tinder right and i took screenshots of all the girls that match with me like the hot i found the hottest ones and sent them to her i was like i wonder if this girl's faithful bitch and wait what so now yeah like i just i love your x tweaker energy is so good yeah yeah I was like, I wonder if this girl's faithful, bitch. Wait, what? So now, yeah.

I love your ex-tweaker energy is so good. Yeah, yeah. I just want someone that's faithful. And then we get back together and we're like, we're going to make it work, baby. We're going to make it work. Oh, my goodness. So let me ask you this. When you're having sex with this Latina girl, do you ever dirty talk about her hooking up with another guy like have you ever

been like yeah you think you did some other guy i feel like a cuck but i'm not into yeah two copyrights don't make a wrong oh oh shit he's been holding that one yeah well that's the thing it's like i feel i feel like a little bitch because i'm took her back and uh well that guy's gonna take her back eventually too correction you don't feel like one you is one well the thing is the thing is like she's gonna take her back paper back i told her i wouldn't talk to her and i didn't until she like sent some text saying like don't ever message again blah blah blah you're fucked up so then you're like now i'm gonna message you again you said now that she cut you off you're like you can't fucking cut me off i'm cutting you off uh you can't you can't fire me because I quit. Well, she's been like calling,

begging, crying to get another chance. This story is becoming sad to me. Oh, no. I love it. Absolutely not. We gotta get the knife back. Should I stop talking about it? No, not at all. No. Your comedy is way better than these

stories. No, it's incredible. It's compelling story with funny comedy. We learned that she's Latino. You can't fix that. Latina, and there's ways around it. My friend told me that. Here's my solution. Is that you might need to start fucking someone else as well.

And then this way, this is what your sister told you? There you go. This is what I give. Everybody always says, Tony Hitchcliffe has the most sisterly advice. Or find a healthy relationship, maybe. Boring! Oh, my God.

Joel, go fuck yourself. Someone call the boring police on Joel, please. You are really a fucking loser. Why don't you go find yourself something wholesome? Why don't you slow it down a little bit and stay inside for 20 hours a day? Why don't you have one girlfriend over 13 years? Well, I've never been that kind of guy. That worked out for you, didn't it, bitch?

Annie, I told you that in confidence! That undead well. Yo. He put all his eggs in one basket. Wow, that's the last time I go to Thanksgiving at Lunas' house. Oh my god. Yo, this bitch just brought up real stuff.

Damn. Annie's dropping nuclear warheads over here. Don't know me. I just think that encouraging more crazy shit is going to end really bad. That is my new favorite sound effect, by the way. No, he won't kill.

Annie's dropping bombs over Baghdad. I fucking love it. All right, Ryan. So let me ask you this. Do you think that's a possibility that you might have sex with someone to increase her jealousy a little bit? But this way, you're no longer the bitch. Now it's just a fucked up thing. Well, it'll probably just fall apart.

There's no trust, right? Well, there's already no trust, right? Yeah, there's no trust. She's going to New York for a couple weeks. Oh, she is going to fuck every guy in the Bronx. She's going to a cabin. She's going camping. I'll make a brand new start of it.

She wants to make sure what she's doing, she's trying to get back together with you so you don't fuck anyone while she's in New York fucking everyone. Yeah, that's what I told her pretty much. All she is like are you gonna i'm afraid you're gonna be with other people oh you guys are fucked i know i'm embarrassed talking about it she goes to new york what are we gonna do let's come up with a battle plan when is she going to new york dude i'm just getting to the point where i don't care i assume she's fucking i care for you you care you're such a liar no like you get to the point where you're just like once you're like i don't know you just get to the point you don't care

i just hope comedy in the fucking world opens up again so i i have nothing to do you're doing a good job at having you have something to do you have the whole dramatic thing you're dealing with yeah it's fine you're having a great quarantine like having drama she had a book called ethical slut did he do the copyright for it who had a book called Ethical Slut. Did he do the copyright for it? Who had a book called Ethical Slut? That was the other red flag. Annie did, dog. This girlfriend of yours wrote a book called Ethical Slut?

No, no, no. She didn't write it, but it was on her coffee table when I first came in. Oh, my God. What a dumb bitch. Sorry. I know. And I'm like, oh, it's okay. I'll still date you.

We got it. Okay, next time you do Kill Tony, you have to read that book and come with what it says. Yeah, grab the book before you break up with her. It's like a Bible for poly people or some shit. Oh, no. She's a poly shore fan? So stupid. Poly amorous just means you're really into poly shore.

Dude, that's what I call my fans, the poly people. You need to get one of those black lights that you can keep in your pocket, and every time you come to her house, just shine it all over her bedroom. It's going to be really sad for you when her face lights up with jizz. Why is it around her eyelids? You look like a raccoon. I'm going to stop talking about her on this show. No, we've only just begun too late now

fun times ryan and this has been i mean you're an absolute killer and like i said i'm gonna keep the invitation wide open for you pal and uh because this is really really interesting stuff it's fun not everybody gets to have a wild you know california latina relationship and it's fun to get updates with things like that because it is different than you know, California Latina relationship and it's fun to get updates with things like that because it is different than, you know, dating a fucking basic white girl. Yeah, well, I've always been into Latina. I'm from Florida and like I lost my virginity

to an alligator, but I know. Yeah. Ryan Joseph, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one. The one that's running out. My name. Step back from that next one. The one that's running out and you've heard of my name and you've heard of my name.

Step back from that ledge my friend. There was only one more in there. This is it. One more of these. I like that you searched around for so long. Well no because you have to get it. You have to find this little piece of paper.

I thought you were trying to make it like there's so many in there. I got a couple of Sharpies in there, an extra jewel pot. I got to make sure I grab the right thing. All right. Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Cast Ball Wolf. All right. Cast Ball Wolf. And this I know for sure.

Hey, hey, hey. There you go. Cast, hey, hey! There you go, gas bull. Wolf, everybody. I've been on a plant-based diet for the last four years now, and this shit has really opened my mind.

I'm at a point now where I'm not opposed to the idea of sleeping with a transgender woman. I figured I've been eating beyond meat all these years. What's the harm in trying beyond pussy? I am a little surprised to see that the celebrity pedophile sandwich spokesperson

Jared Fogle was not on the Epstein flight logs come to find out he was forced to take the subway. I found out that Tinder does not have a sense of humor. I was very drunk one night, decided to change my bio to Islam on the streets, jihad in the sheets, and I was banned post-haste next morning. That's my time. Thank you. There you go.

That's a minute. Casval Wolf. Am I saying that correctly? Casval. It's horrible in English. Casval. C-A-S-V-A-L. Casval. In Spanish, but Casval. Okay, Casval. It's horrible in English. Cas-val. C-A-S-V-A-L. Cas-val.

In Spanish, but Cas-val. Okay, Cas-val. What ethnicity are you? I'm Cuban. Oh, okay. Did you fuck that guy? I did. I took his virginity.

Goodness. That's exciting. Were you born in America? I was. I was born in Miami. Miami? Yes, sir. Wow. How long have you been in Los Angeles? I've been I was born in Miami. Miami? Yes, sir. Wow.

How long have you been in Los Angeles? I've been here in and out for 10 years now. Okay. What do you do here? Well, before all this happened, I was a touring musician, and now I've just been hanging out. Oh, really? What kind of music do you play? I play in a rock band, but then I also write for people, so it's anything.

What's the name of the rock band? Vespera. Vesper with an a at the end wow vespera everything with me is very hard to pronounce apparently my name my band name it's wonderful this so it's v-e-s-p-a-p-e-r-a p-e-r-a oh ves Okay. Very exciting. What do you do in the band? I sing. Really? Give us some.

Yeah. Can you give us a little diddly? Maybe something from the official YouTube video Sleepless? You don't want to play that shit? It's heavy as hell. No, I'm not going to scream on a microphone right now. Come on. Fucking do it. Don't you have some pent up quarantine energy?

I don't. I don't. I'll give you some Sinatra. I'll give you something else. This is your plant-based diet right now. You need to fucking man up, dude. Eat some meat. Here, I'll sing it for you.

Vespera! Really want me to do this? All right. Get out of my sleep last night! Wait, are you lip syncing? No. He's whispering. He doesn't want to blow our ears out.

I fucking like that. That's good. Oh, my goodness. That was one of the laziest performances I've ever seen. Dude, quarantine's fucked me up. Man, that was the quietest screaming I ever heard. It is. Sing Sinatra. Let's go acapella. I want to hear this sinatra that you said you could do you guys want to play

something when i was metrosexual hey hey uh you know the song hey yeah by outcast can you do a metal version of that song welcome to a segment we call a really good one a song that you learned into the episode today's today's segment we'll have a hey song that you learned into the episode. Today's segment will have a hey-ya from OutKast. I mean, it's a pretty universal song. I think that's cultural appropriation. I don't think we can do that. No, it's going to be okay. Do Sinatra acapella.

Come on. You got this. Oh, wait. A shoehorn a song into the thing that you were singing earlier in the show. That's crazy, dog. No, a shoehorn a song that you learned is what I said. Fly me to the show. That's crazy, dog. A shoehorn, a song that you learned is what I said. Fly me to the moon. Let me lay among the stars.

Fly me. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. Damn. In other words, baby, kiss me. Wow. Look at me. Wow.

Wow. Look at that. Beautiful. I have a girl for you. I actually have a girl for you. It's Ryan's girlfriend. That was a lot better. That was a lot better than I thought it was going to go.

That's what Jeremiah thinks his singing sounds like. Yo, yo, Annie just double dribbled in her panties. Yeah, dude. Yeah. And I'm hard as a rock. You have everybody excited. Perfect. I want to hear Jeremiah try to sing it now.

Yeah. Since he's going up against everyone. Jeremiah's like, I got to redeem myself from those basketball shots earlier. I don't know the lyrics really to that song. Fly me to the moon. To Frank Sinatra? I just know fly me to the moon in other words. That's the only part I know.

Sing that part. We want to hear you really try. I got some Justin Timberlake oh my goodness it's working. For your one embrace, your caress of your face. All right, guys, kiss. I'm from Miami. I don't know this song, unfortunately. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Okay. All right, this is beautiful. Jeff Scott wants to see you guys kiss. I could tell by his laugh. I hope you like Cottonmouth. All right. Casval, tell us something else interesting about you. What else in your life?

You get a lot of girls being the lead singer of a cool hip band you have tattoos not at all you have a nose pierce you seem like a good looking guy oh thank you you're cuban you probably know how to romance them you can make like a rose pop out of anywhere or something he's like the solbe yeah dude i grew up on uh i love lucy so i just pull those tricks it's worked so far so what else jesus quite the entrance going on over here. What else? What else? What else do you do for fun? Wait, do you have long hair you're hiding?

I do. I'm like in the awkward phase because I started growing up. Let's see it. Shake it out. Oh, my God. It's so different now. Hello to everybody. It is me, Cassiborne Wolf.

You see the wolf now. It's horrible right now. What are we talking about? Girls, boys, what are you into? I'm straight. I date women. I just got out of a relationship a month ago maybe. With a Latina girl that is currently with a girl?

No. I wish. Does she have ethical sluts sitting on her coffee table? go maybe yeah with a latina girl that no is uh currently no i wish i lived in miami ethical slut sitting on her coffee table i think it's embedded into her maybe i don't know right why that relationship end uh you know when you get into enough emotionally abusive relationships you kind of pick up on the patterns and you're like you know what i'm gonna walk out of this before i end up like ryan jose I was just like, I was out. That's it. I just walked out before I got too burned. How long were you together?

Four months. It was a quarantine thing. That's good for you. Thanks. Thanks. What's your favorite thing in the bedroom? You have any special sexual maneuvers that you do on a girl? You give them the Cubano.

I call it the... That's why you put a sandwich up their ass. Yeah, you put a sandwich in her butthole and then she poops it out of her mouth. That's so good. You ever give a girl the old Fidel fucking Castro? What I like to do is I go

into the room and I just grab stuff in the room and make a makeshift raft, lay them on it, and then have sex with them. Oh. Elion Gonzalez. He's hot. Honestly, Elion Gonzalez grew up to be fucking smoking hot.

Is that true? He is my celebrity crush, dude. He is fucking banging. Wow. Look at that. Sorry, it's true. Are you talking about the baby on the boat? The kid on the boat?

Yeah. He got hot as shit. The dolphin saved him? Yeah, that baby hot as shit. The dolphin saved him? Yeah, that baby. Come on, the dolphin saved him. They probably raped him. You could talk about dolphin rape. He's good.

He's a grown adult. He's not a baby anymore. He's all growns ups. All right, Cassville. Yes, sir. How about any other hobbies? How do you kill time in your place during the quarantine? I am very fortunate to have a studio where I live,

so I've just been working for the most part wow you just make music all the time you know sometimes i uh learn how to make cold brew coffee on my own it was fun wow you just put it in the refrigerator for a couple yeah dude i was blown well the filtering part's the worst part dude it takes so much time to make it it's pretty hot jesus oh yeah he was pretty hot wow i guess that's like for what he was a young boy to a man an inner tube immigrant yeah exactly i like i hear he still has the the marks from the raft on his back wow where the rubber meets the road do you play any instruments outside of singing? I do. Like what?

Everything that's here. Whoa, really? Except trumpet. Better than that? Yeah, I suck at the woodwinds now. I think I got out of that when I was in sixth grade. How about drums? Can you play drums real quick for us? I started learning how to play it during quarantine.

Nah, that's not good enough. Whoa. That's not good enough. You can't even beat me in a Mexican drum off, not to mention. Wait, I'll take a bet on that. Actually, I not to mention. Wait, I'll take a bet on that. Actually, I would like to see that. I'll take a bet on that.

I would like to see that. I'll take a bet on that. The first ever white drum off versus a Cuban guy. Oh, my God. I can't believe it's going down. I'll kill Tony for the first time ever. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen, y'all. We going into overtime right now.

We got to keep it moving. There goes Casper. Thank you very much. Casper. Well, thank you for having me. Maybe episode 500. I'll do a Mexican drama.

That'd be fun. He's got to go in practice. Tony gets good at things. Stay tuned for episode 500. Cause if I do a Mexican drama, if it's gotta be against Joel. Yeah. And this was the one.

And then if, and then if he wins, he gets to take my job for an episode and, it's got to be against Joel. Yeah, this was the one episode. And then if he wins, he gets to take my job for an episode and it'll be an episode of Kill Joel. Oh, good. But if I win... You get to fuck his ex-girlfriend of 13 years. I guess no matter what happens... Yeah, but then you have to be the drummer for an episode

and Joel gets to be... Yeah, that sounds like fun. That sounds like a lot of fun for me. But I get to make fun of how bad Joel is at hosting the show. He just has to shower before he goes in. Do you remember when Jeremiah hosted it? Yeah. And it was like 30 minutes of ads up top.

Yes. I'm sorry. I don't know why I was throwing him under the bus. Yeah, dog. I love you. What happened, dog? Kiss. We get crapped on and up by that side.

Why are you crapping on me up here, dog? Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time that I look forward to every single week. An absolute genius is amongst us. A guy, I don't know if you've ever seen Moneyball, but this guy bats a thousand. He slugs a thousand. He gets on base every goddamn week.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians on the goddamn planet. A creative genius. This is the creative force of Michael Lehrer. Love the shoes. Here he is, live in the flesh, a joint in his mouth. He is rolling around. He is getting in his zone.

We've seen this before. He's away from the microphone. He's approaching the microphone. This is Michael Lehrer, this before he's away from the microphone he's approaching the microphone this is michael lair originally from new york through chicago and now here he is before i start in a minute i'm not gonna do i'd like to say I'm the house cripple, but I'm also the house ombudsman. And this has been an amazing episode. And Annie, you're a big part of that

like you brought a great energy today and these fucking basketball players and one white chocolate over there I feel you homeboy Annie those bamboo earrings feel you homeboy Annie those bamboo earrings yeah

I took them actually out of a black girl's ears is that okay yeah I'm a big LL fan so and I'm from New York so I recognize those earrings but Tony

shut the fuck up yeah alright so obviously Hollywood's all up my ass they're like Michael you're so good at writing

we need you to be the next Dick Wolf. I'm like, what? Like, we need you to be the next Dick Wolf. I'm like, what? Like, D. Cool. He got the cop shows. He got the firemen. He got the doctors. But when they're playing, what do we need the show about now? The nurses. Tony, pull out the box. This is a box that was given to me before the show by Michael Lair.

I'm opening the box. This is my dick wolf. Oh, wow. Isn't that that other guy's name? Oh, my goodness. There's scripts in here. Here we go. Pass that out to everyone but Annie.

Thank you. Because no one tells me anything, so I have no idea you're here. Should I? What do I do with all these? Pass them out. Pass them out. Oh, can I have some of these? Yeah.

Yeah, there's more than six. Where'd you get this? Pass them to the band. They still make these? Fine. Are we all supposed to use them? Yeah. What's the name of the show?

Smoking Nurses. Yeah. What's the name of the show? Smoking Nurses. Yeah. What are you holding? Cigarettes. These are candy cigarettes. All right. Pretty intuitive, right? Yeah.

Like, it'd help if since I'm melting, I didn't have to explain everything. Okay. All right? All right.

Here we go. So, Tony, is everyone ready? I think so. This is my dick wolf. Everyone in Hollywood is like, Michael, they're right the next dick wolf. And I'm like, okay. So, Tony, help me out. Here we go.

And remember, band, let's do this as if though your characters are doing impressions of your actual people. Not in character. Pardon me. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. This is The Smoking Nurses from a guy who watched Law & Order, Michael Lair, Nurse Tony, and here we go. Theme song in three, two, one. Frontline, overtime, they smoke, they nurse, they are the smoking nurses.

The Smoking Nurses is filmed entirely behind the hospital where the nurses go to smoke cigarettes. I am so burnt out. Frontline better turn into Funtime ASAP because Nurse Redband needs to get F-U-C-K fucked. At least you have fucks to look forward to. Nurse Redband, I lost seven patients to corona this morning. I courageously offered each of them one last chance to bust a nut. Nurse Jeremiah, that's a violation of your nursing oath. To heck with oaths.

This is the rapture, honey. These men deserve a final nut blast. One of the men who died was only 40 years old. No one safe from Corona. Well, he also had gout and gangrene from abusing Crocodile. Corona!

Man, I hope this plague never ends. Nurse Jetski! Fuck y'all. I love living in isolation. Away from my rotten kids and son-of-a-bitch husband. Watching reruns of The Sopranos and ripping farts. With no commentary from my rotten kids or son-of-a-bitch husband.

Time to ourselves is important. Some of these patients were the last people they'll ever talk to. And holy moly, will they not shut the fuck up? It's like they see the light and want to get everything off their chest. I must have heard a dozen murder confessions. Speaking of confessions,

why does everyone have a new Disneyland lantern except me? Because we all went to Disneyland in the middle of a pandemic and didn't invite you. You nurses are a bunch of Rudy Tuesdays. We didn't invite you because you wear scrubs on your days off. It's embarrassing. They're the ultimate in comfortable clothing.

Why would I wear something less comfortable? Bet you're naked under your scrubs. Well, excuse me. It is a health code violation to not wear underwear with scrubs. Probably. Fair. Yeah, you better not wear scrubs to the chief of staff's wedding.

Canceled. Half of her bridesmaids killed themselves from exhaustion. She thought the ceremony would be in poor taste. Suicide. The ultimate party foul.

Next week on The Smoking Nurses. I thought you quit. Smoking? No, nursing. You wish. I do wish. When you're gone, I'll be the charge nurse. That's the nurse in charge. I know what a charge nurse is.

I am the charge nurse. I'm just saying, you leave, I'm the charge nurse. The nurse in charge. We all know that the charge nurse is in charge. The week after that on the smoking nurses. We all got the GD Corona. How? We wore the most protective clothes.

It's getting in through our shoes. The average pair of Crocs have 40 dime-sized holes. Damn you, Crocs. The end. There you go, the smoking nurses. I ate all my cigarettes. That was... That was fun.

Hey, Annie. I'm mad as fuck. that was fun hey annie i made you on my first day when tony pulled my name out of the bucket outside right yeah yeah And right now, I'm having my 46th appearance. Damn. Almost a year. We almost have our anniversary coming up. No, I travel a little bit. Don't make it an abacus. I'm trying to make a point. 46 episodes.

to make a point. 46 episodes. And I met you and you were talking to the guest another amazing comedian Dan Soder. And my son

was here. And even though I look so young I have a 21 year old son and he grew up in Wyoming and I've gotten to meet Dan twice and my son goes to me he goes yeah that makes sense he's from Colorado because he's a good dude like that and you're good people too and I look at your earrings and I think about how I always wanted to be a rapper. I was white, Mike. I was the minority in my, you know, cesspool.

And let me spit one L-L verse at you and see how it goes. You're going to spit a verse at Annie? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Wow, what a great way to... With respect. Absolutely. He's going to spit a verse at you.

Here we go. Michael Laird spitting a verse from a guy who watched Law & Order. This is a verse. I love a girl with extensions in her hair. Bamboo earrings, at least two pair. a girl with extensions in her hair bamboo earrings at least two pair a fendi bag and a bad attitude that's all

I need to get me in a good mood she won't walk with a switch and talk with streets I love when women are scared of doing things standing at the bus stop sunken on the log. I want to get poppin' this hard and make it the hardest part.

She loves to dance to the rap jam. She's sweet as fried sugar with the candy yams. Connie called it completion. Cutest little thing. Wow, look at that. Not only did he spit a verse, I think that was two or three verses, and he also did it all in Latin. I loved it. Thank you. Tony, keep testing me. See loved it. Thank you. Tony, keep testing me.

See what happens. What are you going to do? I'm going to wrestle you on the floor. Oh, okay. You want to do some fucking floor wrestling? I can't walk, but my muscles are right as rain, old boy. See, that's a challenge I can't turn down. Florae with Michael Lair.

Your lips still work. You'll get them good. Jesus Christ, Red. Red, man. Your brain is something else. You ruined the moment, Red Band. Your brain is weird, dude. We need to get Red Band a CAT scan.

CAT scan? What'd I do this time? It turns out we looked at your friend's brain. It turns out it's 100% baloney. It turns out his brain is just a dolphin with eight buttholes.

I wish. Michael, anything else before we end this puppy pie? Two things. Okay, two things. One, anything else before we end this puppy pie? Two things. Okay, two things. One, I wear a red band. I've never met a man who obviously likes pussy so much, but is really homo.

That's true. I've noticed that too. Yeah. He's always the one that brings up all the gay stuff. He knows a lot of gay terminology. Yeah, he's like, oh, you don't know about switching? I think that's. Yeah. He's always the one that brings up all the gay stuff. He knows a lot of gay terminology. Yeah, he's like, oh, you don't know about switching? And then he goes, I think that's what it means. It's like you were very confident.

It makes me laugh. Go ahead, Michael. Tony, may I use you and Brian's platform to make a shout out? Absolutely. Give a shout out. All right. You see my shirt? Yes.

It says... Sharna versus everybody. Now, Sharna Halpern is the Mitchie Shore improv. And for 40 years, she fucking invested her life in comedy in ways you never fucking know. And the plug maybe ended this, but I love you, Chana, and thank you for making my dreams come true like these gay guys right here. That's right. Thank you, Chana, for giving us the great Michael Lair.

MichaelLairComedy.com for everything Michael Lair. Tons of merch, tons of awesome content, tons of awesome everything. Michael Lair is the man, and we'll see you next week, Michael. Here comes a drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Let's

see what we got tonight. Ooh, la la, we're all playing basketball it seems. Extra John Waters-y type of vibes. Sort of a scary movie. It's unbelievable what you're able to accomplish. And he has her outfit on. In this amount of time. Ryan J. still showing explosive advances every week.

Unbelievable. You got everybody in that thing in an hour and whatever this was, 50 minutes or so. Well, we did it. A lot of fun stuff happening, guys. It was so fun. Annie Letterman, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me.

It was so fun. What's going on? What are you plugging? You have podcasts. My podcast, Me Inspiration podcasts. Plug on my podcast. Me inspiration comes out on Thursdays. You can see it on YouTube slash Annie Letterman and other stuff. I have a Patreon also slash Annie Letterman. A-N-N-I-E-L-E-D-E-R-M-A-N.

One D. No T's. One D. And one N at the end. Yes. One N. Letterman. Man.

L-E-D-E-R-M-A-N. And follow my Instagram. At Annie Letterman. Yeah. Awesome. Absolutely great. Jeremiah Watkins was the leader of the band. There you go.

Venmo at Jeremiah-Watkins. What else, Jeremiah? Tell us about the work that you've been doing. Man, I got a new breakfast show called Eating Breakfast with Jeremiah. I tried to request in the other day. I was eating a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit, driving to go play golf. Eating a sausage while driving?

Not since I was in middle school. I requested in, and you wouldn't even take me. I was watching you talk to normal people. I didn't see you then. All right. You know the problem is, if somebody trolled me as Tony Hinchcliffe, spelled differently, and I accepted him, and then it was a bad impression of you. Oh, shit. you then all right you know the problem is somebody trolled me as tony hinchcliffe spelled

differently and i accepted him and then it was a bad impression of you oh shit so i i so any i thought he caught i thought he kept requesting me i didn't know that was the real you after the fact so funny um but yeah i'm uh i got a lot of jeremiah wonders out with like uh dr phil mr fumnar uh the band was on recently i'm doing a lot of cool things jeremiah wonders and then um i want to give a shout out to Kenny Brown. He's a local comic in the OC area. He passed away recently. And I want to

shout out to his friends and family. That's right. He's been on the show. He passed away. He's no longer with us. We don't know what happened. I was hanging out with him right before it happened. Really? Is that true? No, it's a callback to the beginning of the show. That's right. The great jet ski jesse johnson was here absolutely killing it as always she has brand new ornaments for sale and they can you can get those they're like christmas ornaments

but i like to call them anytime occasion ornaments anytime any religion she hand makes them every single thing is handmade by her. I've seen them. I actually bought one off of her. I have it hanging. It's the first thing you see when you walk into my place. It's just dangling by a string. So your name is more Etsy than Jetski.

Whoa. I'm learning from Tony. Yeah, that's what I do. That's my style. These ornaments are unbelievable. You can get them by hitting up JetskiJohnson at gmail.com. Or my new website, JetskiJohnson.com. Wow, Jetski.

I haven't even gotten to go there yet. I can't wait. Expect some traffic. And real quick, Comedy Store YouTube page, check out Through the Looking Glass with Mitch Burrow and I. Annie was on it. Red Band, Tony. I was on it.

We had a lot of fun. And hey, everybody, that was Chroma Chris back there this whole time. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Yeah, it was ballin', Tony. What else, Chroma? Tell us something else. You can follow me on Instagram at Chroma Chris. I've recently been writing, coming up with some new music that I

will hopefully be putting out soon. Keep a lookout for that. We will be on the lookout for sure. Follow him on social media. Guys, I know you're not going to believe this, but the entire time, rim job, that was actually Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

Joel, what's going on back there? You got Mostly Sorry, the podcast. What'd you do this week? What's going on? We're on hiatus because David's out in Chappelle land, so I'm waiting for him to get back. So we'll see. We'll be back.

That's it. Mostly. Sorry. I love you guys. All right. Well, red band, check out virtual red band,

my virtual reality show, and also check out brothers in cursive. We got a new Patrion and dead air with Brian Holtzman, death squad. Got TV, right? A whole bunch of new merch at Tony Hinchcliffe.com. And there's the Patreon, patreon.com slash Hinchcliffe,

where I go over everything roasting with the writer's room of all the roasts, all the meanest people. We talk about us being mean to people, making jokes, of course, and honoring the ones that we love. Oh, also, wait. I have masks for sale that are free. That's right. Where can they find those masks?

You can find them if you go to my Instagram. It's in the bio. Hit them up. They're fun. There you go. Absolutely. They're selling out. Thank you to everybody. Outro Music Thank you.