KILL TONY - KILL TONY #475

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

Erik Griffin, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 10/05/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, DeathSquod.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the Hinchcliff.com. He Belt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJ.eBelt.com and pick up some cool killtony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from The RoadFatown. Famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it out for Tony. It's classic. How exciting is this? I'm here with a great Brian Rettband.

What is that? Tony. How are you, my friend? Good. Good. Exciting to be here. Good to be back home. Went on the road this weekend for the first time in forever.

And headlined shows for the first time in four months. Four one hour long sets in beautiful Salt Lake City, Utah. Was it outside or was it inside? It's inside, socially distanced. Nobody getting sick. everybody's healthy out there. You know, a lot of these places where a lot of these places where they are sort of more, you know, perceived to be anti-mask, very free people, they don't have as many cases.

It's wild out there. And so because they're all healthy, they don't wear masks. And so they just stay healthy because there's nothing to catch. Also, less people, spread out more, you know. Well, yeah, of course. Yes, it's not Los Angeles or New York City. That is absolutely correct. You are right there.

To compare it to us would be absolutely criminal. But I'm excited to be home. I flew in on Sunday, and you want to know the first thing I did when I flew back home? I texted the great Ryan J.E. Belt is here. Oh, Ryan J.E. Belt here he is. There's Ryan J.E.E.O. Here it comes. Wait, let's do that one more time.

It's Ryan J.E. Bowled. Whoa. There he is, everyone that didn't believe he was here. And I came in. I texted Ryan. I said, we're going to have fun on Monday. And then you know the next thing I did? I called Vito's Pizza and I ordered a platter,

a giant party platter of baked Ziti and I went and I played cornhole with some friends and we ate baked Ziti and we laughed all day long. I'm telling you, you get the party platter of baked Zidi from Vito's and you blow people's minds

that comes with a salad, garlic knots. You like garlic knots? Definitely, especially when you're playing cornhole. Exactly. Nothing more fun than garlic knots and cornhole. Some people might be wondering, Why baked Ziti in 100 degree weather?

And I'm telling you, there's no better time. I almost can't wait for it to get cold outside so that I can eat more Ziti and be able to rationalize it. Vito's pizza is the best. They keep us filled up every single Monday here. It's incredible. In fact, tonight joining us, if I can give a little shout out. You know, the great Charlie's always here, but tonight Grace is here, everybody. One of the sweetest souls, always there to greet you at beautiful Vito's pizza on Las Sienega.

I love it. Caveman coffee is a thing. Use the promo code Kill Tony and get 15% off delicious caveman coffee. I like the Hibiscus tea. Mm-hmm. I just got a new pack from them the other day. Love it. Heck yeah.

And life is good. But before we start tonight's extra special show, here's a little bit more from our sponsors. Hey, y'all, now more than ever, you really shouldn't put off seeing a doctor when you're not feeling well. And I know that with everything going on, it can be difficult to put your health first. Seeing a doctor can be a real hassle.

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only at my bookie. Yippie dooday! Today's episode is brought to you by Sheath Underwear. I'm telling you, summer might be over, but there's forest fires and some other hot things out there. Sometimes I get too close to the campfire, and my balls start sweating. You might be walking around dealing with some hot balls right now. Perhaps you've even got ass sweat. Perhaps you're listening to this and thinking you should remove all your clothing and just let it fricking flap in the wind.

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use the code, Tony. And we're back. Who's excited to start tonight's show, people in this room? Few people in the room, extremely socially distance, extremely temperature checked here at the comedy store. They go through a rigorous process. And so did tonight's guest. We have one of...

What? Now, someone's mad at temperature checks in the room. We're the guest. We have an amazing guest, everybody. He is one of our favorite guests in the history of the show, one of the most utilized guests in the history of the show, a true brother from another mother, my friend. You know him from all of his hit shows, workaholics, Riffin with Griffin.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great Eric Griffin, everybody. Here we go. Welcome, Eric Griffin. Welcome back, sir. I'm excited to play with you tonight. Yeah, how you been? I'm great, man. I'm great, man.

I know. It's been a long time. It's crazy, right? That's it. The only time I text you is when I want you to come to the show. I know, never hello, how you're doing? Right, I know you're good. You want to go to lunch.

I know you're good. I know you're good. Even if you got the rona, you have like 40 pounds that you could lose. You know what I mean? First of all, I'm down 25 minutes. Really? Did you get it already? No, I just.

You got the rona? I'm just doing good. I love it, man. I'm happy for you. I'm excited. Shit immediately when I sit down. Nothing more fun than getting to see you and fist bump those hairy knuckles. of years.

Those things are. I miss your Adams canelope. Hey, that's it. I'm excited that you're here, Eric. You've been on that show. Many of times, we've had so much fun, and we're going to have fun again. I'm sure that you're... What's going on in your life?

Anything crazy going on? I love that you've been cooking on Instagram. Yeah, I'm cooking. Doing Riffin with Griffin. I'm engaged. Oh. Congratulations. I didn't get her a ring, but I got her a promised car.

A promised car? Yeah. Oh, my God. Good. Because the kind of ring she wants. I'm like, it's not practical at this particular time. But you need a car. Let's do that.

What kind of car? Is it a used car? No, it's a nice Buick. Nothing says I do more than a Buickless Sabre. Hey, it's an Encore GX, by the way. That's a good one. That's the car she wanted. Don't get bad at me.

I love it. I love it. That's what every guy wants in this world is a woman that'll just settle for a Buick. You know what I mean? Amen, brother. I got a good one, you know what I mean? Well, I'm sure that you remember from your numerous appearances on this show

that there is a band here on this show on Kill Tony. Every single episode they commit to being different characters. Jeremiah is out on this episode, but we have the rest of the best damn band in the land. Let's see who they are tonight. I'm excited about this one. Something in my guts telling me this is going to be an extra special one. Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, the Kill Tony band.

Jetsky, Jesse Johnson. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Uh-oh. Oh, my God. What? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is what coronavirus looks like in real life. Unbelievable. I heard that song. I thought this makes sense. Firemen this week. And then they come out and they are actual fire. Wow, that is exciting. There's smoke.

There have been wildfires here in California all week. Ash falling from the sky. I mean, absolutely incredible times here in California. And I can't believe that we were able to book some actual fire on the show. How are you fire? Good. I'm actually wildfire. Oh, that's your name, Wildfire?

Yeah, that's right. All right. Well, welcome to the show Wildfire. fire. Good to see you. You've been busy lately, right? Yeah, I'm actually a big fan of comedy. Really? Yeah, yeah. I got a good Donald Trump impression. Oh, can we hear it? Yeah. You're fired. Hey. I love it.

She's been here all week, right? I love it. I love it. I love it. And then we have this little fire patch over here. What's your name? Hey, guys, my name is Camp. Campfire. Hey. It's the full fire. I really enjoy nature and the outdoors and you're stealing the breeze between my flames you do it's a whole fire family here tonight very excited about it and then clearly back here one of my favorite street fighter characters of all time yeah i reuse the wick what's your name uh the name's forest forest last name fire i'm guessing yeah yeah yeah aka diego fuego wow and where are you coming in from tonight.

Fucking everywhere, dude. Awesome. So we have the entire fire family. We have the great return of Eric Griffin, red band and his soundboard, Ryan J. We're all stuffed up on pizza and serotonin. So let's do it.

Shall we start tonight's show? All right. Sounds great to me. No better way to start it with all these fire people up here than one of the one of the people that constantly sort of looks like fire. This young man from beautiful Memphis, Tennessee, is taking the show by Storm, one of the longest standing regulars in the history of the show. One of my favorite all-time silly joke writers and performers. I'm excited to see what he's got up his sleeve this week.

A real true artist. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Oh, boy. There he is. First off, big fan, Eric. Nice to finally meet you. Yeah. You don't remember when we met earlier, right?

All right, here he goes. 60 seconds uninterrupted from William Montgomery. This might be a little longer than 60 seconds. Everybody always says, don't mess with cockroaches. They carry diseases, but who's ever gotten sick from cockroaches? Hey, you hear about Anthony? He has cancer. Shit from smoking?

Nah, a cockroach touched his leg when he was chasing it around his bathroom. He has six months left to live. I'm not suggesting we keep them as pets, but let's not pretend there's pharmaceutical company out there trying to find the cure for roach flu i said that kind of weird we let dogs sleep in the bed with us uh while while both of us are naked and yet a roach crawls around the kitchen cabinet and we contemplate starting a gender reveal fireworks party uh you don't think the family dog rolled around in the same shit as the roach there's a lot more dogs and roaches are practically the same it's just dogs have been

better lobbyists. Dogs have Sarah McLaughlin singing in every commercial. Roaches have a spray. Every roach commercial... Should I finish? Keep going, absolutely. I'll listen to an hour on roaches.

Every roach commercial starts out the same. A fat cigar-smoking roach plotting with his other fat roach friends about how they can ruin the value of your home. Then some white man in a cape shows up with the most toxic chemical known to man and just ices the hell out of those degenerate moochers. Meanwhile, roaches are supposed to be the oldest insects known to man or some bullshit. Hell, that's probably made up too by the same people claiming that dogs can tell what humans have a horrible disease. I swear the day a dog walks up to me and says, sorry, buddy, you've got MS.

I'm going to call bullshit because next he's going to blame it on a roach. Wow, there he goes, William Montgomery. Wow, look at that. the wheelhouse a bit sticking to one subject the entire time coming in with a guns ablazine bit that can really kill at a cockroach fundraiser or something like that. So let me start off with this question. Are you currently dealing with an infiltration of cockroaches? I am.

Yes. I had a feeling. Yep. So how many are we talking about? How many do you see on an average day? 200. Oh, key dokey. Yeah, that's a serious person.

Oh, wow, one just crawled out of your sleeve. Oh, did it? I'm just kidding. Hey, by the way, there's some shorts in the office for William, I heard. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah, the guy at the front was pissed. Zach, can you go grab some shorts from the office?

If that's true, we have to make it part of this episode right now. We're going to debut William's new shorts. You've heard of the Emperor's new clothes? This is William's new shorts tonight. I'm excited. Are you excited? I am. I hope they fit properly.

That's my only problem. You are oddly shaped. I know. And we have to figure out how to keep them on you. You have a belt on those things? Yep. It's the only way they're staying up. Oh, my God.

Yeah, this is broken. You can't even see your belt because your belly blocks the light. Lift up your shirt again? Oh, my goodness. What a debacle. That belly butt is big enough to do. It's deep. That thing is.

You just got back. You were in Vegas for a whole week. How was? I was it. Yeah, you didn't even. and tell us about this Vegas trip. You're just like a... I didn't.

You got mad last time, so I thought I would keep it under wraps as well. Yeah, you really kept it a good secret, posting it the second you got there on Instagram. That's great. I want to say, you seem oddly sober. I am.

I know after the debacle with the podcast, it did get the most views we've had in a long time, which is positive, but... It wasn't great. I wasn't sure if you were still with us. I heard about this. He had a little... Oh, man, he had a thing bigger than this

for LeVoc and I didn't know till the end and he just was a hot fucking mess. Wow. So to see you right now, I could feel some like the hazes off of you right now. Is there anything you want to say to Eric Griffin who showed up who probably drove all the way to Burbank to be part of your show and to support you

and then you came, then you went there. I apologize for sabotaging it. Yeah. Wow. Wow. That's good for him. You accept his apology.

Are you going to accept my apology? Oh. Look at that. You think you can just get off that easy? I do. Typical alcoholic thinks he can just apologize and wish it away, yeah. Just because he doesn't remember what he did the night before. It doesn't mean we forgot.

You're still on step two, buddy. So any highlights? Any highlights from this Vegas trip? I lost $1,000. How much did you lose? A thousand. Wow. How much money did you have to your name before that?

Like $1,200. Wow. So you still have $200 left. Still got $200. It was there. How was the game? I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just want to know,

how's the gambling? Like, what is that like in Vegas right now? Oh, it's the same. They're taking, no, but I mean like the tables. Like,

is there, there's, there's in between plexy glasses. Oh, wow. And then a guy like William shows up at your blackjack table and everybody gets up

and moves to a different table. I know, because the glass is all foggy and sweaty. It's just coughing everywhere. Did you lose that all on, like, slots,

like the electronic slots? Yeah, where did you lose the majority? roulette. What are your numbers on roulette? What do you like to bet on? I would do red every time and even. Wow, that is the exact opposite of what I do.

Oh, my God. We got a lot of shorts. Is this real? Bring them in here. Bring them on stage. Come on. This is Zach Bogus. Bring it up here, Zach.

Oh, my God. Up here, Zach. Up here. Are those really all shorts? No way. You're fucking with us, right? It's just uncontaminated. Wow.

You need to ask for $100 from everybody next time. Oh, well, yeah, the guy at front got mad. I'll put in a good word for you. Let's, is this real? Let's start opening them up. Oh, my God, it really says William Montgomery. This is hilarious. Wow.

Are there the swim trunks? What are those? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Let's open up another one. That's for when he's fighting for the World Championship. Exactly. Look at those.

My goodness. This is very exciting, William. This guy, for those of you that don't know, maybe this is your first episode watching. Oh, look at this. Look at that. Uh-oh. Did someone just escape from a French prison?

Yeah. Beetle juice. Those are I love Lucy swim shorts. Uh-oh. Look at this. Miami Metrosexual. Love it. Oh, my goodness.

This is very exciting. I feel his balls popping out of those first. Red band's so excited. He's pushing the table back. He can't believe he gets to open. Wow. I feel like Brian bought those for William. You keep leveraging the table.

No, you got it. Just don't use your foot to push off on the table. Okay, here we go. Oh, my goodness. More shorts for William. This is, ooh, black and gray camouflage. That's from the David Lucas collection right there. Brothers in cursive, they have the same.

Oh, look at that. But those are David's good shorts. Look at that. Those are a pair of extra large Tony Hinch's. Cliff Golf shorts right there. Very exciting. Oh, here we go. Whoa, look at those.

You know, these will be the only pair that he wears for six months for some reason. Uh-oh. Look at that. Damn. We have Grandpa with coronavirus shorts there. Whoa, these are classy. Oh, my goodness. What are you going to do with those, William?

Oh, my God. Whichever listener did this, you are an average. absolute fucking legend. Hey, look at this. You can wash your shorts. Wash your shorts. Wash your shorts. This is very exciting, ladies and gentlemen.

An entire container of tide, it has happened. Dreams have come true. William Montgomery has been wearing the same pair of shorts for, what has it been years? Eight years probably. Eight years. And now he has many pairs. This is, wow, this is another nice pair. It's like you just got out of rehab.

Look at that. Charcoal black right there. Look at that. Black shorts matter. Oh, look at these ones. Those might be a little bit big on you. I'm warning you about that pair. Those look a little thick.

You might have to give those to your brother in cursive. Whoa. Oh, look at those. I like those. Those are fun. Oh, my God. Somebody sent 25 pairs of shorts to the comedy store. This is exactly what I thought was going to.

happen. Hey, can we burn his old shorts? Oh, no, no, no. Burn those shorts. Burn those shorts. Oh my God, William. What do you have to? Zach, can you zoom in on this a little bit? But that's how that gender reveal fire started. From the waist of the head there. That looks great. William, what do you have to say to the person that sent you all these shorts? Just thank you so much. It seems like it's really going to help me out. Are you going to wear them? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'll start tomorrow. You know what? Why don't we start tonight? Why don't you

go to the back and put on the blue ones. Put on the blue ones with the sharks and dolphins or whatever that is and take those things off. I think you should put one on in between each person. Should we do that? Should we do a little William fashion show? Okay. Perfect. There he goes. There he goes. The great William Montgomery, everybody. It's going to start putting on shorts. Yeah, go. All right. This might be an improvement. You ain't lying. You ain't lying. You should have. You should have heard the amount of relaxation we had before the show, not having to hear a saxophone being tuned.

And you know what sucks is that the episode that said the short thing, the one after you asked if we had gotten any shorts. And so that means more people are going to send tons of shorts. We might have this going on for a while. We're good. Tell Curtis it's because of Tony and then it'll be allowed magically. Anyway. So I pulled a name out of the bucket.

We had a few signups tonight. obviously in a controlled temperature checked environment and I pulled the name out your first comedian getting a 60 second uninterrupted set in with a fresh and clean sanitized microphone goes by the name of Stephen Belkowski. It is Stephen Belkowski. This is Stephen Belkowski. Here he is. It's Stephen Belkowski.

So quarantine's been kind of lonely. so I got a Tinder the other day. My bio was brief. I have Hulu and HBO. I'm looking for a lady with Netflix, Disney Plus, and no gag reflex. I went on my first quarantine date, and, you know, with this girl,

as soon as we get there, she's like, hey, I just figured I should give you a heads up. I'm a pescatarian. I was like, that's cool. I don't really believe in God, but I definitely don't judge. dating even before quarantine it's tough though you know because i feel like you know all women my age are just looking for like a potential father figure you know like someone to raise their kids and

i can't have any kids you know it's just when you're a parent you got to be able to answer questions on the fly like yes no yes no you know like if you kid ever comes up to you's like daddy have you ever free-based cocaine you can't giggle and ask why do you have any i wonder if horses enjoy ketamine as much as I do. All right. Steven Belkowski. All right. Why would horses enjoy ketamine?

I don't get that one. You know, I mean, you just got to figure. It's a lot of people say it's a horse tranquilizer. It's not. They use it on cats. They use it in like, you know, EMTs use it and shit in ambulances. It's a dissociative anesthetic, right? So I like to tell people it's an animal tranquilizer, you know?

Right. Do you use it a lot? Not a lot, you know, but I try not to. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold the fuck on. Not a lot. That sounds like. I do it like you're recreationally.

There's a lot of people doing ketamine nowadays, low amounts of ketamine. I think we know some people that have been doing it. It's great. They're using it for like depressive. I haven't used it late, but it was fun. How long ago was that? I can't say. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. But no, it only lasts like 10, 15 minutes or something like that. They're using it for like depressive. depression therapy and stuff too. Yeah, absolutely. Have you ever suffered from depression? You know, I don't know, I feel like a lot of, especially like at my age group, I had a lot I'd never, I'd a decent childhood, you know, like nothing traumatic ever really happened

to me. But I constantly growing up, I, you know, was like, I feel like it would be a lot easier to just jump out the window than do my homework and stuff, you know. So I guess that's kind of what got me on like the drugs and comedy route a little bit. I was like, I don't want other kids that age. to have to experience those thoughts or feelings, you know. So you had a way you consider a non-traumatizing childhood. Your parents stayed together the whole time and everything.

They're still married. I was never molested or beat. Yeah, they're still married. What does your dad do for work? So my parents are both retired Air Force colonels. Air Force colonels. They made you? Right.

So you are a disappointment. I'm the psychedelic sheep of my family. But I'm also the youngest of six. Oh, okay, okay. They cashed out three times over before they were like, fuck it. How about your brothers and sisters? What fields did they get into? So the two oldest brothers both went Air Force.

Wow. Everybody's in the Air Force and you're just getting high all the time. Well, so it was like the older half was like, you know, Air Force and then like my sister got her master. She's now a guidance counselor and then Air Force again. And then the younger half is like stay at home mom. She got a master's and then went to the Air Force? No, no, no, no. Then she became like a counselor.

She was initially selling, like, medical shit. Enough about her. Right. And then my brother, David, who's, like, right above me, he was like this close to becoming a priest. And instead got married. Do they even get to you at Thanksgiving dinner? No. That's why I became comedy.

Eric became comedy. That's why I started doing comedy, like five minutes of undivided time. Let's go back for a second here. You said that your brother David almost became a priest. Then what happened? This close. He just decided to go straight pedophile? He was had.

He decided he wanted to have a family instead. Tony. Yeah, I mean, he's like, fuck putting on this front. I'm just going to go straight for what I want. Yeah, no, he decided to have a family. I guess he figured getting to other people's kids would be too tough. Wow. What happened?

He, like, leaned over to pick something up and smell the pussy for the first time. He was like, you know what? I've had a change of heart. Yeah, I think it was just one of those things. Yeah. I almost became a priest, a savior, a servant of the Lord and Savior. He was always, like, super religious, so he's always going to retreats. I think he was.

just got to college and then yeah somebody just told him what pussy was like and he was like what never mind i got to try it at least one someone's like pussy's better than jesus dude and he's like all right were your parents super strict though like like like make the bed with the flip the quarter on it and shit like that or make your fucking bed do 20 push-ups again youngest of six so by the time it got to me it was like make your bed i was like i don't want to do it they're like just make it and then i hate making the bed does people do that do people do that everyone else does it i do it every one else does it. I do it every single day and I leave an organized life.

It makes you feel good every day. Even I do it. I got to buy a new bed every day because it just flames up. Right. You're fire. Yeah. Your fire. Matresses are very flammable. Yeah, it's good. You really don't make your bed? I mean, like, I'll put like the blanket back on the bed. You know? But I'm like, unless

people are coming over. You have like a weird setup. You like eat dinner. Oh, it's off my kitchen table. You have like clothes all over your room. You're like walls are out of shelves of clothing you never wear. Yeah. I have more T-shirt. My T-shirt collection is out of control for sure. It's very bizarre. It's time to take a trip to Goodwill.

It's already been done three times this year. Wow. Where do you keep getting these shirts from? People send me shirts and then I make shirts. I'm constantly buying shirts. It sucks. You have the same problem with shirts that William Montgomery has with shorts right now. Should we check in, get a walk-through by William? Yeah, let's see a walk-up.

William, come on out. Come on out. Here he comes. William Montgomery. Wow. Come on up here. Take a... Come on. Get him with that one. There you go.

Let's get a nice little shot. Zoom on in there. Oh, yes. Unbelievably beautiful. Here, move up on the camera a little bit. Let's keep facing that. Oh, wow. Guys are sexy, man.

That's beautiful. I like pink. Absolutely stunning. All right, there he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. Keep playing. band keep playing. Put on another pair of shorts, William.

I could call you back out at any point here. Yeah, I like this. We should do this every week. Absolutely. Please keep sending shorts to William Montgomery at Care of the Comedy Store. 8433 West Sunset Boulevard, West Hollywood, California. Let's wait till next week. All right.

All right. Okay. So, Stephen, what is something traumatizing that happened in your life? It wasn't during your childhood, was it? It was years after high school. Let's talk about it. I don't know. DMT, dude.

Holy shit. What happened? Well, you know, the first time that I hit it was after a comedy show. And, you know, I mean, I figured it was going to be super fun. You know, by that point, I had done a lot of different. Actually, no, if I can, like, replace this one with another one. First time I did acid was the day Robin Williams killed himself. That shook me.

Wow. Yeah. What happened first? Did he kill himself and then you did acid or you did acid and then he killed himself? So I took acid that morning. And then, yeah, everything was going cool. We're hanging out at this river. Yeah, absolutely.

Take it with still daylight out, you know? But anyway, so we're hanging out at the river, and then these storm clouds, like, move in, and everybody's like, all right, we got to get away from the river. I'm an hour away from, like, my house at this point. And my ex-girlfriend, who we were dating at the time, she had done acid like three times. She was the one that got it for us, you know? And at that point, I didn't realize she hadn't done it so many. But she was like, yeah, let's just drive home, you know?

And I was like, all right, whatever, I trust you. We get in the car. And we're like 40 minutes down this trip. She's like, I feel like the car isn't even moving right now. And I start freaking out because we're going like 80 miles an hour down the freeway. And I was like, oh my God, we're going to fucking die. We hadn't been playing any music the entire time. We finally get off the interstate.

I'm about to get back to my house. And I was like, let's just turn on some radio and chill the fuck out. I turn on the radio. No music plays at all. I just hear the DJ's voice saying, ladies and gentlemen, I'm very sorry to announce we just received word. Actor and comedian Robin Williams has been found dead due to an apparent suicide and it's such and such home.

And then I just get hit with this whole like, oh my fucking God, why would he kill himself? I had just started comedy like five months prior and I was like, is this something that happens to all comics? Like he had been killing it. That's like what I want to do and all this shit. And then I got hit with my first like what I called like

Truman moment where I felt like the world is a TV show watching me. Robin Williams was tuned in and saw I did drugs and he was like, I did Aladdin, I did Miss Doubtfire, I couldn't keep these kids off the drugs fuck it and then off himself wow you know

Jesus what lasted longer the trip or that story that story you know I imagine that it is like his dad because what does your dad do he's like a general or what uh a retired colonel see he wanted he was going to be a general or whatever

but then there was like a board meeting you know and then they said they showed like a video like this this is your son can you explain this The long hair happened after he got out, actually.

Wow. My dad's like, he's kind of up there. Your parents love you, though, I'm sure, right? I did. Oh, yeah. Well, after they found out that I did drugs, like, for a while, they were kind of like, I don't know if he's like, because when you look like me, you're either, like, addicted to drugs or youth pastor. So they were leaning towards more the youth pastor thing for a while. Right.

And then they found a podcast I did called Virginians for Drugies. I think your whole family's jealous. Yeah. This is what the last thing really wanted. That's what I'm saying. That's true. Absolutely. Well, Stephen, it was fun to meet you, fun times. Yeah, yeah, I appreciate it.

And fun stories, man. I'll see you soon. There goes Stephen Belkowski. There he goes. There goes Stephen Belkowski. Should we check in on William real quick? There goes Stephen Belkowski. Should we get another walkthrough from William Montgomery?

Yeah. Wow, the crowd goes absolutely mild, incredible. Let's wait. So let's wait until we, let's wait until we, hit a lull in this show. Let's see what happens here. This way, this way we're safe any time. We don't want to waste all of our good Williams right now. We have 20. We don't want to burn through all the good moments. Well, we're not going to get through all the shorts tonight. That's for sure. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian has, has been leaving quite the imprint on this show as of late. We found out a lot

about his wild relationship and we've been following up with him. He's back here tonight. Very, very funny comedian gaining immense popularity here on Kiltony. Here is the return of Ryan Joseph, everybody. Here we go. I just ran into this girl I used to mess around with a couple years ago. I can't believe how much she had aged. She even has breasts now. I protest that Black Lives Matter rallies, but it gets so hot walking a mile on a white bed sheet. COVID has changed the way I think about diseases and viruses, like, my best friends got AIDS, and now I don't even think it's funny. I used to think homeless people screaming out of nowhere were crazy, but what if they just

don't like having sex with me? I don't like to date Asian girls because they think it's only because I have a fetish. So I always have to say, babe, I've been with lots of different types of girls, and they get peed on too. There you go, Ryan Joseph. Beautiful. Another minute. Fire.

Ryan Joseph. Hi, Ryan. How's life been? It's been amazing, Tony. How are you? Good, good, man, good. So tell us about it. Keep us posted here.

Why is it amazing? No, I'm fine. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's a little downgrade for you. This is your first time seeing Ryan Joseph and some jokes. Nice to meet you, Eric.

You too? I like it, especially in this environment. Yeah, yeah. Just to stay with it like that. I like it a lot. Yeah, I was just like dating this girl who, like, fucked around on me and I caught her. Yeah. I'm just taking it easy now, man.

Give us a real update. What do you mean you're taking it easy? Well, I banged the, I did the right thing. I banged my ex. Hey, that's the advice that I gave. Yeah. And then I told her right away. Oh, that's great.

And then you guys had the best sex you've ever had. Yeah. Yes. We were like even then. That's great. Yeah, I feel like a man again. Was the sex? with your ex good or it wasn't right it never it never is no it had a purpose I was

I was crazy because I was like thinking about the girl that fucked me over right it was you couldn't you could barely even come right you fake came did you fake an orgasm with her I yeah always fake an orgasm really is that true oh oh you just carry lotion with you like what do you no you go to get roman dot com and use the promo code tony my come is flammable yeah did you feel guilty when you were having sex with her? Is that the problem? Like you felt like you were cheating on her? No, I felt, well, yeah, like when I'm walking into the bedroom, she was calling me. Oh, yeah, that's always how that works out. I looked at the phone, but I was like, fuck that bitch, you know, she did this. It's her fault. I'm going to bang this girl. Should have FaceTime answered that.

Well, one time she FaceTime me, because then I told her, right? And she freaks out. And then she's like talking to me saying, are you, because she's been freaking out saying, are you going to see her again? Are you going to see her again? And one time we're FaceTiming, and my ex who's upset, who now confesses like her undying love for me, knocks on the door, right? Your physical door?

Yeah. So I have the one on FaceTime screaming at the one. So she's a psychopath. Yeah, but she's Dominican. She's beautiful. Oh. I love her. Lovely.

And that's your ex or the new one? The new one. Right, right, right. Yeah, those Dominicans are wild. This could easily end in a murder suicide. Yeah. But I'm with you about like somebody just come into your door and knocking on your door. Oh, it's unacceptable.

What is this in 1987? Yeah. I blocked her. I blocked her. You blocked her with a fence? What do you mean? She's at your door. How do you block someone?

I blocked her phone number in her email. Oh, and then she knocked on the door. Yeah. Yeah. That's the catch with blocking people. is the next thing you know they're like rasping at your window and shit. Yeah. I know you fucking block me, Ryan.

Yeah, you fuck me. It's me. It's me Dominican girl. No, no, no. That's the, this is the ex. Oh, what's she? She is white. Just white girl. Hey, Ryan, it's me, your white ex.

I know. Boring. Yeah. I don't like, yeah, I don't like white girls. Right. Wait, hold on. So the white ex is the one of fuck you over or she's the one you fuck to get back at the Dominican.

Yeah. I'm all caught up now. This is like 90-day fiancé. So basically, yeah, no, it's great. The story is to her, like, we went exclusive, and she wasn't really ready,

and she was kind of freaking out, and she was kind of casually seeing this other guy at the same time. So a week after we were exclusive, she hooked up with him, realized it was a bad idea, but still continued to talk to him and hang out with him as a friend,

because they were just fuck buddies anyway, so it was easy to be a friend. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, even though I don't trust her. I told her, I was like, let's just hang out. We'll see what happens. I'm just like tired of freaking out.

Hold on a second. Here we go. So you already knew she was fucking somebody else. No. No, no, no. Wait, because he said he knew she was casually seeing this other guy. But now he knows she was casually seeing him. Originally, they were having a conversation and he's like, you should block your,

you should block your ex via text. And she's like, okay. And then he's like, you should block him on Instagram too. And she's like, no, I don't want to do that. Then I knew. And then, and this was the first time, that was the first time we met him was like a month and a half or so ago after that happened. Oh, so you're getting updates on this. Okay, so this is after the fact you found that she was casually seen both of you.

Then, then, if I may for a moment here. Yeah, please. Tony, go on. So check this out. So check this shit out. This fucking guy goes, God damn undercover brother over here and pretends. He finds out. he finds out that this guy is a copywriter and he creates a fake account or something like that.

Or no, his own account and he says, hey, you know, I'm a guy. I wrote a book. I'm looking to get a copyright. And this guy lives in Oregon or something like that. He goes, hey, I'm just some guy that wrote a book. I'm looking to get a copyright. You think you can do something like that for me? And the guy's like, yeah, sure, I'll copyright your shit.

Of course, a copywriter during a pandemic. He's like, how am I getting this work out of nowhere? And then Ryan here, after they start conversing, goes, oh, by the way, I saw that we're mutual friends with the same girl. And the guy's like, yeah, he falls right into the trap. I'm going to get to copyright this guy. This is fucking amazing. And then the guy's like, yeah, no, yeah, we're super close.

And he's like, yeah, that's crazy. I'm close with her, too. When's the last time you saw her out of curiosity? And the copywriter is basically like, I was fucking that bitch two weeks ago. And Ryan's like, oh, oh, oh. And then. And then he. Immediately.

There's a guy go, can I get my advance for the? Pretty much, pretty much. It was fucking humiliating. You got copy wronged is what happened. Then I screen shot at that shit, sent it to her, said it was fucking over. He didn't even let, he immediately, by the way,

this fucking maniac over here immediately messages her. It would be funny, like the other guy's still in mid-story. And then I fucked her in the ass. And then we were like, it was just, we're sorry. The message wasn't even

fully downloaded and this guy's already hitting up his Dominican girl like what'd you do? Yeah. So now where are we this week? You fuck your ex just based on every time. Every time I've tried to block her and cut it off she just calls all the time. The Dominican.

Yeah. And I still fucking like I care about her and I'm just like well she's not going to let me break up with her so I'm just kind of like she's not going to let you break up with her. Probably broke up with her. You lost a job. Right.

Here's the, it's a fucked up thing. I mean, right? They were like, just like they saw each other once a month or something like that. She was still seeing him and then she was dating me at the same time. We weren't exclusive, right? So she and I go to Arizona. She lets me, she hints that she wants to be, have the girlfriend, boyfriend, talk.

We have it. But she's like, I just want to be honest. She waited until you, you went to Arizona and she was here? No, she and I both went to Arizona. Oh, okay. This is why it's so fucked up because it's like, She hinted she wanted to have the exclusive talk. We have it.

But she's like, I just want to be honest. There has been another guy. I've been casually seen. And I don't want to see him anymore. And I thought it was so cool. That's fair. And then she went home and fucked him. You know what?

This reminds me, no better time than now to see. William Montgomery in new shorts. Here we go. Here he comes. Here he comes. Here's William Montgomery. Oh. Wow.

There he is. Notice how the shorts Look at this everybody It is short absolutely incredible A beautiful pair of shorts These compliment your belly I like these It really is good

It camouflages in everything It's incredible Yes Joel Master P just called He said there are some limits Oh there you go Nicely done An extremely topical

Master P Gio Your dick is hidden anyway So this kind of works This is my favorite one so far That's absolutely beautiful. There he goes William Montgomery with a new pair of shorts. Those are a keeper. Beautiful man.

It's a beautiful man. All right. Back to Ryan Joseph here. So Ryan, what's our plan now? Go ahead. Keep us posted. I told her like, yeah, I don't trust you at all. We can hang out and I'll see.

But whatever, whatever happens. I just don't even care anymore. I'm just like, yeah, we'll hang out sometimes. All right. So you didn't know. You're mad that she was seeing this guy and you at the same time. Is that the problem? No, no, I accepted that because we were casual, you know? Why be mad if you knew she was seeing another guy?

No, that's not what I'm mad that she wants to fuck him one last time. Well, that's what she says. It was like, she actually told me this shit. It was a goodbye fuck. Get over it. Okay. But then she kept talking to him. And then I said, fuck you, get out of my house. Then I went to bang my ex and then told her right of it. Wow.

Damn. And now cut to the Dominican calling his ex. What does your ex do? Right. She's a copywriter. Let me ask you this. You think your ex is going to be attached at all now? Well, then I had her come in crying saying she realized that, you know, I'm the one for her and she loved me. And then she tells me when she was leaving, there was a guy she was talking to and she dated.

I was like, is this the theme? Every girl has to get a dick in them. And then they realize they love Ryan. Yeah, but here's the crazy part, though. Your ex finally wants to be with you. And when you were having sex with her, you weren't even really present. That's why she likes me, probably. Yeah, that's something to think about.

Well, I'm looking forward to more updates in the future. Another fun 60 seconds from Ryan Joseph. There he goes, Ryan Joseph. Hey, your show is on fire. And with that, it's time for another regular as the mic gets sanitized here at the beautiful comedy store on the sunset strip, where the parking lot is open and filled with happy audience. goings goers watching the stream outside. And on to the next one we go.

This young man, one of the great joke writers in the world, one of the great roasters. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, super regular, awesome comedian, David Lucas. Yeah. Men don't give a fuck about lingerie. We don't.

As long as you end up naked, that's all we care about. Like, lingerie to a man is, like wrapping paper on a toy to a kid. Like, hurry up and take this shit off so I can play with this toy. You could have wrapped this shit in newspaper. The same result would have happened, bitch.

I'm going to fuck. What you put on your naked body? Come to bed and a t-shirt. I'm still fucking. White people say they're germophobes and the whole time the cat be chilling on the counter while they're cooking. Like, bitch, this nigga just help you

open the refrigerator. I'm not eating that food. I just saw that nigga crack an egg. Why do you think I want to eat your casserole? Like, get the fuck out of it. White people really can't have no spicy food. That's how I get my payback on my white friends. For all that racist shit y'all did, I just burn y'all up with spices.

You might come to my house and I bake a fucking spicy birthday cake. I'm going to get your ass one way or the other. There you go, David Lucas. David Lucas. I love it. I absolutely love it. I love this week's set so much. I could not.

This is one of those moments where you hear a comedian tell a joke. And this is usually, usually this happens if I'm ever in the back of the room about to go on after like a Bill Burr or a Chappelle or like one of the greats where you hear a bit where you're like, wow, I think that all the time. And I haven't heard anyone really talk about it. That lingerie thing is just, again, not only do I agree with you on that. but I would venture to easily say that a t-shirt or fucking like mesh shorts or like almost anything is sexier than lingerie because lingerie gives off the feeling that they're trying hard and you're supposed to be like oh god you're so beautiful that lingerie almost want to leave it on like it's so beautiful but it's like what the fuck and on the contrary again just a plain t-shirt with like a butt cheek hanging that's the hottest shit in the world

bitch put on one of my tank tops lingerie keeps everything all tight like any bra or anything that's fucking that's done that's like showing up knocking on a person's door and how about when they want you to pick it out like which color do you like Oh God

How about clear is clear that color I get? My favorite lingerie is titty I got something I got something I met though When I was thank you Eric That's my uh... When I was in high school I thought that's what women wanted

It was like sexy lingerie So when I was a junior in high school I went to Victoria's Secret's. I got the most hoochy hooch, like the straps, the garter belt and everything. And I didn't know she was going to open it up in front of her parents.

She's pulling it out. And it's got like crotchless panties and everything like that. You probably picked up the bag. That's hilarious. Red band thought lingerie was a pasta dish. Langerie Alfredo. It's kind of like how women think of shoes also.

Like, we don't give a fuck about shoes. Most guys don't give a fuck. Red band, that story is so funny. White men don't give a fuck about shoes. Black men give a fuck about shoes. I ain't fucking no bitch with no dirty shoes. Oh, yeah. Dirty shoes is unacceptable.

Red band like girls that don't wear shoes, Asians. Red band likes girls whose last name is shoe. Yeah. Shoe. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's my comedic daddy next to you, man. Eric Griffin.

David Lucas has a lot of respect for the great Eric Griffin. Yeah, man. He took me out of the country, dog. That's my dad. That's right. You took him to what, the Hamilton Canada, right? Which was crazy. Yeah.

I love it up there. I had a crazy experience of that. Maybe it had some interesting fans. Yeah. I was right before the pandemic. A very fat women. Wait, I do? He does.

Oh, he does. Oh, yeah. Who would have guessed that? Hi, David. It's me. Come on. I want some of that spice of birthday cake. was joking about.

No, you know how they send shorts. They bring the cake for him. I made you a spice. I brought you banana puttin. All right. Yeah, we had great, great times. We went to Atlanta.

Yeah. A lot of my friends came to our Atlanta show. They were. Yeah. His mom. Did I meet your mom? Mom is cool. David Lucas, everybody.

Yeah. Nice. You know what I mean? Eric Griffin and Tony Hinchcliff. are probably the two best people you can be on the road with that will actually give you real advice. Like, I've been on the road with, you know, like the people you see that might be a little more famous. And they don't actually help you. These guys actually help you.

They don't want you to get better a lot of these fucking people. A lot of them are scared to death that you're going to take their goddamn job. Both of these guys tell you to tear it up. The best, you know, and I'm not talking about myself, but I will talk about Eric and, of course, like, you know, Joe Rogan. the best comedians want you to fucking get better and have no fear. And it fills you with confidence and makes you love the art for more, which in turn makes you work harder and write harder and perform more. And it gives back.

But speaking of writing, jokes and always getting better, why don't we check in with your co-host, Brothers and Curseve. Here's William Montgomery, everybody. Some new shorts. Here he comes. There's some more shorts with William Montgomery. Whoa. These are a winner.

Viva. La France. Oh, my goodness. Six pounds lighter. Wow, there he is. The fattest man in Auschwitz, everybody. William Montgomery. Beetle juice made shorts.

From Auschwitz to Auschorts. Tony, I didn't know foot. Why is he eating so good? Tony, I didn't know Foot Locker how to swim team. There he is. You look like beetle. I haven't drank juice in years. Oh my goodness gracious.

William, you do. This is just when they get a swimming pool in the prison yard, everybody. You look like you need a Z bra. Oh, my goodness gracious. You're doing some work back there, huh? Wow, the swimshank redemption over here. No swimmerchrons can't with handcuffs. Are those swimming shorts?

or are those actually shorts that just look like swimming shorts? What? Are they swim shorts? Can you confirm by the feeling? Put your hands in the pockets. Face the camera and put your hands in the... That camera over there, William. Yeah, over there.

Is it mesh? There you go. Oh, brothers in cursive, where art thou? Say that again, Kroma, just in case people missed it. Our podcast studio. Oh, brothers in cursive, where art thou? There you go. All right, there he goes.

William Montgomery, everybody. I'm all for the camouflage. You know, I'm a camouflaged guy. But now those are the official shorts of brothers in cursive, half black, half white. Yeah, hey, true shit. And red inside. And it checkered past. What kind of shirt is that, Tony?

This is a golf shirt, but I got it at booty holes are us. No, it looks like back in the day when the TV used to go off. No, I like it. That's exactly why I got it. I was standing over watching a TV that went out, and dildos were falling out of my asshole. and I'm like, hey, I should get a shirt that looks like that. All right. David, so much fun.

Again, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant material this week. I think you already got a tag there. My favorite lingerie is tittism. Absolutely. There he goes, David Lucas, everybody. There goes David Lucas. Back to the bucket we go. You've been playing some video games, right?

Oh, yeah. He's killing. Griffin Gaming. Check that out. Eric Griffin Gaming. Twitch every single day. You ever play Madden? I'm not into that. He's into headshots.

Ooh, look at that. All right. This is a new name. New sign up. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Houston is next on Kill Tony. Here comes Kevin Houston. Here comes Kevin Houston. It's Kevin Houston.

So, just shy of a score. this past 9-11. Wow. I didn't do much because, you know, I forgot. That first one, though, was just plain crazy, but I heard the new Patriots Day reboot is going to be fire next year. Sorry, quick disclaimer. I officially have a nub for a pinky finger, so this is a public notice that all of my past previous pinky promises are going to be here in Nolan Void, okay? Now, despite my many setbacks, I'm a goal-oriented guy. I mean, just this morning, I typed in Pornhub from the Home Row. Listen, that website alone is undoubtedly made me a better speller. But with dyslexia, try to imagine staying hard while sounding out,

futonarius, futonarius, you get it. That's what hooked on phonics did for me. See how quickly you can retain amateur, penetration, calipidgian, get hooked on porn hub where spelling comes fast. Available now with Mabas Pippen. This is not intended for help a porn hub. If it's a porn problem, please help 88 call breadband. Wow.

Man. My goodness. Feels like it's been forever in which somebody's been absolutely horrible on this show. Really? That was that bad. Oh, yeah. Although congratulations on just learning how to read. That was...

Thank you. I brought you a gift. The woman that said to the man... Hello. Yeah, you couldn't remember a minute? No, I didn't. I had it, but I just got... Are you a comic or an actor?

What's going on here? No, I just work in film, yeah, but I just... I didn't want to, you know, blow it in front of everybody, so... Why? You blew it anyway. I know. You had it on paper. It helped you blow it.

It felt like you literally had ad-read energies during your... But it was kind of half ad, so I guess that's what I was kind of going for. But, yeah, I guess I blew it. Yeah, it should feel like you're, like talking about something. It really felt like it was a... A read. A read. I hear you.

My goodness, gracious. First time doing stand-up comedy ever. And no, but here, yes. Okay, where have you done stand-up? A couple places in Chicago. Not any open mics, but nothing's you crazy. Oh, Chicago. That's where I'm from.

I know it's tough there. There's no open mics and places. It's like, dude, it's been so long, man. I just, I practice in a mirror with my dog, you know. Even still, you got to make an effort to like, instead of doing an impression of a stand-up comedian, you know what I mean? And that's for everybody, you know? Don't do an impression of a stand-up comedian. Attempt to actually do it.

So it's fine to have the notes because we haven't been able to do it. But you were fucking reading the notes like you were reading the- It really felt like you were reading. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a part where you said, you guys get it. And we're like, no, we have no idea what. you were talking about.

Like you needed to pass that paper around so we could be like, oh, okay. Interior, comedy store. 2020. A dark light comes upon the... Interior, main room, evening. A smoke-filled room. A largely fat man with weird shorts comes out. Okay.

So Kevin, Houston. Yes. We have a problem. Of course. So tell us something, tell us something that's actually... you, like about you, Kevin. So you're originally from Chicago. When did you move to Los Angeles?

Three months ago. Three months ago. No better time to move to L.A. than right now. How's that been for you? It's good. I came out here to work for Kevin Smith and then moved on to my own stuff out here. You want to pick up that name you just dropped? Yeah.

He moved on from Kevin Smith already during a pandemic. You're like enough of you. Well, he went to New Jersey. I wasn't going the jersey. Oh, okay. That's cool. He moved there? No, he's doing a pop-up called Movies.

I did the one in Las Vegas. Awesome. Kevin's great. He was on the show in January. We had a bunch of fun. So what have you been doing for fun in these three months? Tell us about you. What are you?

You're 34 years old? 31. How old are you? It's how old. I don't know. I thought we were about the same age, though. No, we're not. I'm 36 and I look younger than you.

Oh, damn. Just to remind you, I look younger than you. But go ahead. Tell us what you've been doing for fun. No, I just moved here. I work in film back in Chicago and stuff like that. I come in here to say, you know, I like the weather out here better than Chicago. Really? You like the weather here better than Chicago?

Really? You mean 50 mile an hour, cold, gusty, hateful, negative winds? Blasting you in the face compared to absolute daily sunshine. Well, now it's smoky, but before it was great. Well, yes, of course, the state is currently on fire. But even that, even then, a state can only be on fire for two weeks. weeks, Max. That's what you think.

It only takes two weeks to burn a state down, is what we're learning. In fact, my neighbor and I were admiring the sun earlier. We couldn't believe it. We could see the sun. Thank you. Wow. It was popping through. You guys did a great job.

I remember when my ancestors burnt down Chicago as well. Hey, that's right. The Great Chicago Fire. I actually, I just came here. I wanted to give you this real quick. It's okay. You could just sit at the... It's a manifesto.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I don't trust it. Nope. No, let me burn it. You got to trust my instincts on this one. We're not opening that right now. All right. I'm a drummer, really, so I just really came the challenge for the Mexican drama.

Is that what that says? What is that say? That's kind of the same thing, yeah. Really? I wouldn't open that. You should open it. You're going to like it. Fucking anthrax.

Jesus. Yeah, see? It's a nothing burger. It doesn't make any sense. Don't even show it. Whoa. Don't even give it any credit. Anybody who reads a 60-second set like that, of course, his gift is going to suck, too.

Brutal. So how long have you been playing drums for? Like 10 years? 10 years. Wow, interesting. And are you playing any bands or anything like that? I had a few bands back into Chicago, but nothing out here. Oh, yeah?

What's the name of your favorite band in Chicago? My favorite band? Is it Chicago? No. Okay. The deep dishes. Zadaband? Did you say Zadarans?

I'm hungry. No. So are you better at drums than everything else that you do? Really? Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to try stand up. I've been doing, you know, I do comedy and stuff back at home, and, you know, this is like a big platform. It is. It is.

He's like, I have my sheep music right here. I'm ready to go. Chroma. Do you regret this at all? Yes. 100%. I'm just glad I didn't tell anybody. Look, let me tell you.

I can tell you, but look at your face like, why did I put myself through this? Let me tell you something. Of course, we can look at this as, oh, they're being mean, all this and that. But here's the light at the end of the tunnel. You do not get a Mexican trillions. drum off. You do not, you know, get to redo that set again. There's no, I, I, I, but here's the catch. Here's the good news. All right, Kevin. You come back sometime. You write a different 60 seconds that you're not reading. You can memorize 60 seconds. I believe in you. You don't even have to memorize all the

words. You just memorize the premise and a couple punchlines and then it's over and done. And don't even over memorize it. Just fucking do anything other than what you did here tonight. And if you do good, Next time you come back, let's set it for, we'll say, three weeks from now, okay? Something like that. And if you do good on your 60 seconds, if you get a single fucking decent laugh, you're going to be up for a Mexican drum off. How's that for a deal? Sounds great. There you go.

Kevin Houston, we're moving on. There he goes. You know, and another thing, like, when you first start off in comedy, I think a lot of people, like, write out what their act is, and they try to memorize it, like, as if it's a story instead of actually make you feel. the jokes and stuff. He's furious. No, no, no, no, I like it. I like it. I like, I like, I like, I like, I like, it makes more sense that way.

Let's get another comedian up here. We have a new sanitized mic. I'm excited about this one. This is a new name. Ladies and gentlemen, here she comes. It's Merritt Landstiner, everyone. Here we go. Here is 60 seconds from Merritt Landstiner.

I grew up in Minnesota and my parents met in a, pretty unique way. They met at a wedding where my mom's older sister married my dad's older brother. Yeah, kind of weird. Only thing that pisses me off about it is when people are like, yeah, my family's really close. I'm like, yeah, but does your family fuck each other? Yeah, I'm single, and my dog sleeps in my bed sometimes, so I do tend to masturbate from time to time in front of my dog. But I want to make it very clear that I do not fuck my dog. Do not fuck my dog. However, when she yawns, I do say, girl, what that mouth do? Yeah, she stopped eating the crotch of my underwear, and I'm worried we've lost our spark. I grew up Catholic, and everybody growing up said,

Heaven's going to be so great. Heaven's going to be so great. But I've also heard that about several okay parties. Feels like I'm going to get to heaven and they're going to be like, don't worry, more people are coming. Okay, that's it. Thanks. There you go. Yes, you got me with that one. I love it.

What a refreshing. That's like a piece of delicious ginger after you down some nasty sushi. Merritt Landstiner coming in and cleaning up. Kind of reminds me of Kim Kongden a little. You know, her attitude and how you... Fun energies? I'll tell you, I'll tell you,

this too you projected well into the microphone a real real night and day difference from the last comedian reading off a piece of paper you came up you performed you enjoyed yourself it looked like you were having fun you spoke well into the microphone first time doing stand-up uh since march actually because everything got shut down so yeah thank you well actually i did one set on acids so that doesn't count look at that indeed how did that go uh it was Fun, but it was very chaotic. I was just riffing the whole time, like, screaming at the audience. Sounds like fun.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like, I guess over five years. Wow, where at? Chicago. Wow, what a difference. My goodness, that's like a... We were going to play in Chicago. Now we know.

This is like trying out Chicago pizzas. The first comedian was thin crust and that was deep dish, right? Yeah. It's like, oh, this is what they're good at. All right. Yeah, and then I just hit a year in L.A. So I did it in L.A. for a little bit, but then the pandemic happened. Wow.

I'm still new to L.A. My goodness. Well, welcome. You're an immediate start. Oh, that was Kevin Houston. He just shot himself in the head, everybody. All these things. Poor Kevin Houston, rest in peace.

I guess he's not going to get to that Mexican drum off after all. Jesus. All he had to do was write a new minute, come back in a few weeks. He's got his whole drum set in his car. car too. He was going to. My goodness. He was ready. It was a whole thing. Samarit, when did you move to L.A.? I just said a year. Okay. Well, you just had to say a year again and everything would have

been fine. Now I don't like you anymore. Oh, you can't handle a tiny bit of attitude. The king of attitude. I'm kidding. Relax. It's okay. It's all good. The king of attitude. All right, everybody. We're moving forward. Everyone is his majesty. Yes, me. The old king of attitude, Tony Hinchcliffe.

That's what they call me. The Crown Duke of Shittalk. Oh, my. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, Jesus. All right. So Merritt Lans Steiner, what do you do for a living? How do you make money?

I work in sales at a precious metals brokerage. Have you ever sold a pair of shorts before? No. Well, you know what? You might want to. After you see what I'm about to bring up here right now, This is another example. This is another William Montgomery in new shorts.

Here he comes. Whoa. These are the ones we've been waiting for. For those of you that want to take a little trip to the beach and vomit in your own mouth while you're there. Look at this young stud bucket. Fresh off of building a sand castle made out of old burger wrappers. It's William Montgomery.

My goodness. Look at this guy. This is what he would have looked like and he lost the extra $200 in Vegas. Nothing. I'm really surprised how you have no ass. I was just going to say. I mean, you actually have music.

It is unbelievable. Somebody hits you in the ass with a book bag. It is incredible how flat your ass is. I mean, if you lay down on your back, you would look like the New York City coronavirus curve. If he lays on his stomach does it push his ass out? Maybe it does. Can we try it?

You want to lay on your face? Lay on your stomach for a second here. Let's see what happens. Oh, my God. Oh, it's a push-up. Oh, he's got a little bit of junk in the chunk there. My goodness. It is just flat.

It goes neck fat right into crack. Oh, hey, look at that. Oh, he's fucking the stage, everybody. He's not laughing. He is fucking the stage. And it's amazing how the neck fat flaps over two. It is incredible that I have a bigger ass than the fat man. wearing shorts on this show right now.

Your knees are bigger than your ass. It is true. It is true. He has bigger knees than butt cheeks. He's sweating bullets from laying on the floor. That's all it takes. Definitely has an enlarged heart. I like it, William.

There he goes. We're going to get back to more. That's my new favorite. I like those. We're going to get back to more shorts. Let's get back to the merit of this conversation. That ass is flatter than Kevin Houston's jokes. Let me do that aloud, right?

It's probably annoying, sorry. No, it's okay. Don't worry about it. Merritt, what do you like to do for fun? I go hiking with my dog a lot. What kind of dog is it? Rescue. I was told half chihuahua, half border collie, very odd mix.

Oh, wow. Half chihuahua, half border. That sounds like Joel's whole family. I was going to say we know a lot about that. Yeah. Okay. And I like to do drugs. What kind of drugs?

I love like psychedelics. How do you feel about birth control? No, just kidding. I snort it. Psychedelics have a... Mead, I love edibles. What's the most extreme psychedelic you've done? I haven't done anything that extreme.

I stare at tie-tie. Acid, just hallucinating on acid. Oh, wow. Are you... No one at your sales job is watching this. Have you been single for a while? Have you been single the whole time you've been out here?

No. And I'm like kind of seeing someone but not, you know, whatever. No, you're seeing someone. It's a good segue during stand-up, but I can tell you seeing someone. That makes sense. You met during the pandemic?

We met before the pandemic. Oh, good for you. Did you move out here for him? No, no, no, no. Okay. But he lives out here. Yeah, he grew up out here. Little Jerry Wall.

Hawkins there. Oh my God, I still can't believe. Yeah, it's not that cute of a story. We're not exclusive. Oh, wow. My choice, my choice. Oh, wow. Oh, you're like that.

You're like, what's his face? You're like Ryan's girlfriend. Damn. Just a soulless monster. No, no, we're way, way more mentally stable than Ryan's girlfriend of Ryan. Exactly. It takes a lot to get to levels of insanity to where you hit Dominican. Yeah.

That is the top of the ark. Oh, oh, oh, sorry. So that's fun. Yeah. And what does he do? Welder. Ooh. Wait a second.

Do we know this guy? No, you don't know. I'm true. He's a welder. We know a lot of welders here. Is he a rough guy then? What do you mean by that? Like, yeah, he's a man.

He's not a Metro, L.A. guy. I can't do that. grew up on a farm, I don't do Metro men. Jesus, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? All right, I was making the joke before you did. So your dad's sister married your mom's brother. Does that like make things? That makes like your niece, your sister and shit like that or something?

So like, do you have siblings? Yes. Do you have a brother? Yes. So if you and your brother went to a bar and fell in love with a set of sisters and married them, it's kind of like that. It's really weird. And I just make it into an incest joke even though it isn't.

But yeah, my cousins are like kind of like, siblings to me. We grew up right by each other. But it would make my brother, my, wait, it would make, that would make my brother my uncle.

No, it wouldn't. It would make him my brother-in-law? Your brother-in-law. Right? Yeah, it's really weird. I don't know what to tell you, but yeah, I don't know.

I grew up in a small, tiny town. I actually grew up on a farm. South Central, Minnesota, in between a town, like 1,700 people and 600 people. Man. Yuck. Are you Italian?

No. Puerto Rican. I love the sopranos, though. Yes. It's a great show. What ethnicity are you? I'm always a letdown when people ask me that I'm white, just a bunch of different white. Yeah.

That is a letdown. I know. Should I start lying, Tony? At least white people. Sometimes they're more specific. It's like, oh, I'm Scottish or whatever. Oh, yeah. Who gives a fuck?

I would say Puerto Rican. That's not. Puerto Rican, no matter how hard your imagination wants it to be Brian. She just seems feisty. I am very blunt and assertive. Real attitude on this one. That's why she needs a welder.

You know, somebody could be like... Very fun set, incredible. Like I said, great, great stage presence, even though you're technically not on the stage. Great projecting, great jokes. It all hits home. I appreciate it. Awesome stuff. Thanks for coming by. Thanks. There she goes.

Merritt Landstiner, everybody. Thank you, Merritt. Let's go back to the bucket. Let's do it. Fuck it. Let's go back to the bucket. My goodness gracious. How much fun are we having? You guys having fun out there, the few people in this room?

For sure. All right. We know this young lady. She's been on this show quite a few times. She was also featured twice, got pulled out of the bucket in Ventura. Our last truly live shows. She's back here again. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the wild style of blue ball, everybody.

She's back. It's Blue Ball. It's Blue Ball. Here she is. It's Blue Ball. Here she is Blue Ball, everybody. Blue Ball. Starting now.

Here she goes. She's going to talk into the microphone. It's Blue Ball. So what do you guys think about this new normal? It's pretty fucking badass, right? I cannot wait for it to just continue while it's going. I've been seeing so many guys come out, like dangling their D. Like, they're just ready.

So am I. Totally, right? Hashtag, I'm next. But, uh... Whoops. Um, so, uh, fuck. Oh, damn it. Oh, no. Um, yeah, so it was out of gin today.

I really actually went because I did want to get ready. Um, and, uh, I finally fit into my skinny pants because, uh, I, uh, I had my gardener trim my bush. And, um, I could finally get in there. He said he was a gardener. Actually, no, he said he was a landscaper at Disneyland. And he made this bitch in, like, unicorn. And it's, well, kind of looks like a unicorn that dropped a sandwich, like a roastby sandwich.

But, yeah. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Blueball, everybody. Wow. The shocking part to me was that you went to your notes. Yeah. Boy. That was the part that I was like, wait, what?

My goodness gracious, blue ball, blue ball, blue ball. I want Kevin back. I'm telling you, I find it intriguing people of different, you know, shapes and sizes and styles. And there's very few, you know, grown-ass women that sign up for the show and try to come on the show. And just to give you guys, you know, you listeners of the show a little insight to how the current system is working. Basically, as of late, people have. have been able to sign up from being present outside, you know, before or after the shows, basically.

It's like, and, you know, if I see the same person a few weeks in a row, I'll say hi. And after you say hi, you know, sometimes they'll be like, hey, you know, I would love to get on the show sometime, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's, you know, it's sort of a different process right now than just what it used to be, which would be 100 people signing up for the shot and maybe you get super lucky. Now, you know, we know who's in the bucket. And the reason why Blue Ball gets into the bucket is because she's so consistently, shut the fuck up. It's because she's always here.

She's always present and I'll walk out after a show and she's, you know, waving and saying hi and this and that. I mean week after week after week after week after week after week after week. And then eventually I'm like, you know what, Blue Ball? Why don't we do next week, all right? And she goes, yeah. So there's like literally, that's what's wild. It's like eight weeks of preparation at least you've been waiting to. go up and then that's what you were waiting to do.

I got nervous. There's so many people here. There's not so many people here. Literally not. There are so many people here. What? And you've watched every person that's gone on stage and you know how it works. You grab the microphone when the music stops. You say, Tony says your name and he's starting.

You're like, is this the microphone that are? You've been sitting behind that microphone. You know what? For an, over an hour, you've been sitting there watching. I know they switch a name. The person comes up and they start talking. I'm telling you, like, I'm really good when no one in the room. I do really well by myself.

Well, maybe you should be a comedian. Because that's where you're going to be performing for the rest of histories. Don't say that. I really, I always. No, Blue Ball. You're right. You're going to break big any day now during this global pandemic.

She reminds me of my cousin dumpster. Chroma Chris batting 1,000 tonight. Absolutely. I think even if I bomb, I'll still get some shlong. What are you talking? Like, what are you talking about? I'm just saying, like, you know what? It's a different.

What's happening? Are you like going full Requiem for a dream right now? Did you start speed during this pandemic? You started on diet pills. I got my hair done. I got my bush trim. Like, I feel like great. Okay.

Enough about this fucking bush being trained. Well, she's ready for action, obviously. And this is a great, like, you know. I put it out there, right? This isn't for the comedy. This was to let everybody know. I came here for this. You know what, there's only one thing that can get this horrible taste out of my mouth.

And it is William Montgomery in new shorts. Here we go. Here we go. Here he comes. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Look at this. Oh, wow.

That's it. Look at this. For all of you ladies in the room that have been wanting an abusive stepfather in your lives. And William, William, William, let me. introduce you to a freshly shaven. Yeah. I'll tell you, he makes up for all the pubs you lost. Yeah.

Those look actually comfortable. Now your belly button, your pussy are very similar. Brand new baseball cap says happy new year party out on it. My goodness. Oh, look at the pockets on that. They have zipper pockets.

Come on. Let's see how those pockets work, William. Face that camera over there, William. There's one back camera. That camera over there, William. There's one back pocket. I like that. Oh, my goodness. Take my money, please. Wow, there he is.

I think he's command. His ass actually got bigger since the last time we, uh... Yeah, he's been doing some, but... Were you doing exercises back there? He's doing some squats. Yeah, is this real ass? Somebody check. My goodness. For those of you that have always wanted to...

Those of you that have always wanted to wonder what the guy that operates the festival amusement park rides looks like wearing only shorts. You must be this tall to ride this ride, everybody. This is the dude that fixes the rides after the... Yeah, this is the guy. All the kids have gone home. If you've ever wanted to fuck the tractor driver at a haunted hayride,

this is the guy for you. Here he is the old... You guys are right. Mess shorts way hotter than lingerie. Absolutely doodily. There he goes. of Montgomery, everybody. Move on to Blue Ball here.

My goodness. So Blue Ball, how do you rationalize what happened here tonight? What do you, what do you think? How long of a break do you think? I was really, really excited. It seems like it. It seems like you were too excited. I did. I got really, I prematurely lost my shit.

Are you, what are you on? I don't know. I'm so happy to be here. Okay. But seriously, are you on any drugs or anything of any kind? I actually had one top shelf long island and I didn't even want to finish it. You had what? I can't even understand. A top shelf long island.

Top shelf long island. Where? Here. Columbia. Jesus. Did you have the top shelf chicken wings too? No, no. I did not.

I did not. They call them that. Don't fuck out of here. Like, seriously, I feel this would have been my best, my best set ever. What? It would have been. Literally no one. knows what you're even talking about.

Are you kidding me? You can't hear me? Now we can. Go ahead. I said this would have been my best set ever. How would it have been if you did a different set and said it differently? No, the same thing. But if I just was cohesive and I came out and just nailed it, but I choked. Okay. There she goes. Blue Ball, everybody. Can't even, not even, not even in any condition to be able to be interviewed right now. There she goes Blue Ball, everyone. She's still leaving.

There you go. She's still walking away, everyone. There goes Blue Ball. We're blue-balled for comedy right now. My goodness. Actually, we got a lot in common. Yeah, tell me about it. Like, any time we fuck a guy afterwards, their dick's on fire. This dick is on fire.

My goodness, absolutely gracious. That was absolutely wild. My goodness. I mean, I just don't even know. I mean, literally like I... There's so many people here that made her nervous. Yeah, it's incredible. My goodness.

imagine what will happen if we allow anyone in the room. It's okay. You're going to be fine. Now she's over there, you know. She's too old to kill herself. All right. So here we go. Unfortunately, everyone, this is the part where, of course, my favorite regular,

I mean, you know, my favorite regular, you know, right now, the great Michael Lairer would come up and perform a minute. But unfortunately, Michael Lairer could not. be here. But instead we have a special guest. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, here he is Vap Thing, Future Truth Teller. Here he is.

Vap Thing, future truth teller. Wow. Wow. Vap Thing. Future truth teller. Vap Thing. Future truth teller. Vap thing.

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Vap Thing. Future Truth Teller. Kanye West is kicked out of Wyoming for, traumatizing too many mooses. Thing, Future Truth Teller, accused of exclusion, rainbows formed by the rain are forced to add more colors. New colors include mayonnaise, cock black, and tangerine dream. Vap Thing Future Truth Teller, 2025. Number One Honeymoon Spot, North Korea, Vap Thing, Future Truth Teller.

Four men come forward accusing Michael Jackson of eating their assholes. Vap Thing Future Truth Teller. Tupac is still alive. And he comes back to wrap the world to peace. Only to get killed in a fist fight at the Cheesecake Factory. Tupac rest in paradise. Again. Vap Thing.

Future Truth Teller. After Psycho Del Lake Mushrooms are legalized. Scores of industrialists blow their brains out. raping the earth. Vap Thing. Future Truth Teller. In the future. Buts get so big. Big butts completely eliminate. The chair industry. Vap Thing. Future Truth Teller. The butt replaces the pussy as the number one thing to fuck. Vap Thing. Future Truth Teller. Kim Kardashian has first. But baby. Teller. My mind is blown at all that in. Whoa, look at that mustache.

He really is a truth teller. Whoa, there it goes. He just ripped off his mustache. That must have hurt. Did that hurt? You can't just get out of character so fast. What do you do? He's not in a character. He's a vape thing. You're the one to talk.

You're working fucking mustache. Welcome to the show vape thing, future truth teller. No, I'm Michael. Oh, my God, I didn't even notice. Yeah. Michael Lair, everyone.

I've a lot to talk about. Let's talk about, oh, he shuts off the lights to the vaping future truth teller mask. We're going about to talk some serious shit. You know, who's the Kiltony Ambussman? The Kill Tony Ambassador? I'm busmen. Beyond Budsman. Ryan.

I don't know the reference. Ryan, what does he mean? Ryan, what does he mean? Ryan, Jay, about the resident genius here on Kill Tony, knows every single reference of everything ever. Here he goes. Tell us what he's saying, Ryan. Okay.

I'm close. He's the, I repeat what he said. Anyway. Oh, he's the guy that runs the editorial page in a newspaper. Tony, show and review, may I? Yes, absolutely. Ryan Joseph reminding me of my favorite holding those songs. you have sex with X is best

the best thing in life there you go that's definitely my ninth favorite Hall of Oates song I don't even know that Hall of Outs fan I love Hall of Notes there you go didn't make it to the greatest hits album but it's Michael's favorite well luckily it was my first improv but you're all wrong about laundry like how do you not like laundry

it's like makeup for the pussy and laundry is still I like to fuck a girl with the laundry on I like the laundry that got holes where the fucking goes yeah no that makes sense

a lot of guys are into it and a lot of guys are into you know that look where women are wearing a lot of makeup and they look like the girls from the that we grew up on in the Hawaiian Tropic catalogs, but I'm not really into that either. The chick that's only hot with makeup is like, it scares me. It's actually the opposite.

No, laundry and makeup. You don't see makeup in the dark, but you feel texture. Well, I mean, so you would rather feel the fabric of lingerie than just a pure nipple? It's the fabric on my life. Oh, wow.

My goodness, there are a lot of people in here after all. Hey, Tony. Yeah. Should we talk about what happened this week, the old baboon boom? No, I have other things. Okay, let's talk about it, whatever you want to talk about. Well, I'm from Chicago. And Kevin went first, and he kept saying Chicago,

Chicago, Chicago. Chicago, Chicago. No. Right. But I wonder when he does. But ironically enough,

there is no one in this room I hate more than that bitch Merritt. Whoa. Is that true? Do you know

Merit from Chicago? Yeah, no. I know from an early experience in L.A. And I've been waiting for this moment.

And it happened. completely by accident. Wow, well, here we go. Let us in on the dirt. May I tell you? Absolutely. Tell us about

Merritt Landstiner. So, well, I don't know that bitch, but I'm for a girl. I don't care. Wow, jeez. But I'll get to

why. So I moved to LA to be a coming, and this is Weeksbro for a Kintoni. and I am, I'm scouring the open mics. I finally get pulled in the improv,

and I do my first thing. And it was my first LA, like, hell yes. And I was chilling when my girl in the back, and Merrick goes up when a meteorocrat. hack jokes. Oh shit. And with her bullshit about iPhones and shit. And then she's like,

didn't get the life she's, I guess you're soon in Chicago. I don't know. But then that bitch goes, I guess I'm not as funny as a guy in the wheelchair. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Merritt, do you remember this?

Oh my God, little did she know that she's criticizing. She's fresh. I'm more. Okay, go ahead. So I'm at the ice house. I don't open my coming. I'm assuming that she's doing more of my, you know, mediocre jokes. And she's talking about it.

every guy wants me to eat their ass and I'm like, you know. And then she's like talking about booking gigs. And I'm like thinking, well, if you ever booked a gig, you definitely ate someone to ask. Wow, this is incredible. You know what this reminds me of. Who would have the butterfly effect? I mean, she made one little joke at an open mind.

No, but this reminds me. A year ago, and now all of a sudden it's coming back. Do you guys remember, which I've never remember what Hannibal Lecter movie it was? It was Hannibal. Hannibal. And he got the revenge. This is like the revenge. You want to put a bore on her?

I knew this would come around. I thought it was Silence of the Lambs was the one where he gets wheeled up and takes a mask off and eventually. No, no, no, it was the one word. No, I know. I know. I was making it. Oh, okay, my bad. No, it's all good.

But he looks like that guy. No, she'll do good with an iPhone jokes. Oh, my goodness. Do you want a spot at the ice house? What are the absolute odds of this happening this way? Very good. The guy who took my handicaps by was here last week. Wow.

Remember that? Yeah. Yeah. No one takes Michael's spot. Yeah, he couldn't wait to roll over there and tell her off. My goodness. That's a good. incredible. He must have been, you know, literally...

I find in Sierra Tos she went out with their trash jokes. Okay, we get it. Trash jokes, mediocre. You know what? We need to... You hate her. We got it. You know what? We're going to change the energy for a second. We're going to check in with William in new shorts. Here we go. Here comes William in new shorts. Whoa! Look at these bad mamma jamas right there. My goodness gracious, for those of you that are fans of the new Tampa Bay Buccaneers, these are fresh out, size 38 waste with a built-in belt so you can't even lose it this time.

Multiple pockets for you to keep your 200 bucks that you have left to your name. And snacks. Yes, many snacks, perhaps a bag of Doritos. And if you spill the nacho Doritos on yourself, it'll blend right in with the orange camouflage. Absolutely incredible. You can spill anything on yourself. Dirt, charcoal, comstains, white out. Anything will work with these delectable camouflage pants.

Some of the oddest camo ever. You cannot hide in the woods. Now it seems as if your ass is eating these shorts. Yes. Like your ass is so... Your ass is trying to gain weight so badly that it is eating from the back side. these camo shorts. If you're trying to blend in with a forest fire, these are the perfect camo pants for you. Absolutely incredible. My goodness, for those of you ladies that are into a

young grandfather, this is the look that you're going for. A young grandfather or a very old stepbrother. This is William Montgomery shorts supermodel. What's your armpit hair look like? Let's see that. Oh, barely anything there surprisingly. Wow, very, very stunning. It's got the sandals of Jesus Christ himself. There he goes. William Montgomery's shorts model.

Thank you, William. Thanks again to all the people that sent those shorts off. That's really cool of you guys. Huge shout out. You guys totally went above and beyond, which is sort of exactly also what I was expecting you to do. But there you go. It finally happened all at once.

You would have thought that the shorts would have come in in like, Different weeks or something like that. Not necessarily 30 pairs at once. Let's get back to this hate fest. No, no, no. We're going back to Michael and we're changing the subject, Eric. What else did that bitch do, Mike?

No, no, Eric. Jesus, I'm literally like, let's change the energies in the room. Eric's like, let's go to chapter two of this toxicity. Michael, what else is going on in the world? I got a con-cun. You got a con-com. Yeah. A cunt cousin?

I actually got it right. Cucson, she won't fuck me anymore. No, I got a concussion. You got a concussion. Oh, a concussion. Tell us, I literally thought he said cun cousin. Yeah, that's the concussion. I got a cuck cousin.

She won't let me my little more. She won't let me sleep on her. All right. We did get a concussion. You had a little fall this past. week. Not a little fall, a fucking concussion. Right. Okay, so you had a big fault. Yeah, I've been working so hard on my physical therapy.

Then I went to open the door and I opened it like Superman and I flipped over my wheelchair, head first in the concrete. And it was 5 a.m. and I just had a beer. No shit. Who would have guessed that? Hey, hey, Tony. The face golf was sitting

and see if you don't enjoy a toll by once in a while. Okay, I understand, Michael. My question is, though. People are taking shots at the throne tonight. My God. His Majesty. Jesus Christ. You got to love a bird?

God, I was just saying because it was 5 a.m. You had a beer and you fell out of your chair. To, tow, too. Did you knock out? Like, how do you know you? Why? How does anyone know? Like, if you had a concussion, you know.

Yeah, I was skateboarding the other day and I hit my head really hard. Wait, what? I was playing Tony Hawk. Wait, wait, wait. Well, they make e-boards. No, I was playing. And by skateboard, you were on, you were in your Tesla? Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. I was playing Tony Hawk. really hard and I went like that and I hit my head on my, wait, the back of my bed. Stop, stop, stop, stop. So this Tony Hawk has an actual board? No, no, I was playing the video game and I hit my head. That character on the video game and his head. Oh, okay.

But I don't know if I have a concussion. Like, it really hurts. I didn't knock out. Like, I don't know if I should go to the doctor. Okay, there you go. Well, if I am, I knew if I woke up class, she would freak the fuck out. So I spent 20 minutes rolling around on my patio trying to get up

and open up. And then I texted Oh my goodness. Like the darkest cartoon ever. That's what this would be. And I like... So what'd you do after the 20 minutes

of rolling around trying to pick yourself? I eventually FaceTime her enough and she ran out screaming swinging out and what happened is temporarily

I've lost swing on my right side cross your fingers welcome to my nightmare Tony I thought your nightmare was following merit no man that was my daydream we bring it back

that's right I have a question. Somebody sent me, because of the water bucket challenge, that they raised enough money, they actually found a new thing that they've been trying out on people that have your condition that's actually been helping. Do you know anything about that? There's like six things out there, and I have some of the best doctors around. And really, like, we're at the precipice of stem cell tree.

for more than neuron disease. So it's just a waiting game and hoping I plateau and hoping bitches my merit don't. Michael Lair

ladies and gentlemen. You did it again, my friend. An absolute goddamn star. Michael Lairor Comedy.com for everything Michael Laira, Michael Laira comedy on all social media. That's my best laugh and all my times are killed Tony.

I love it. That's what he does to people. He's the best. Michael Lair is a comedian and a god. He's an absolute fucking star. Let's check out tonight's drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt. There it is. Ooh, look at the detail on that bad mamma jama.

We got the great Eric Griffin. We got me. Oh, I'm a colonel in this of some kind, right? A general? Oh, a forest ranger in the forest fires. all around. He's a king. And you are also there

and there's a cat and smoky things and a little bear and wow, look at that incredible detail. Ryan Jeebelt.com. All the prints of every single show, every tour poster. He's doing auctions over there. Everything is happening over at Ryan Jeebelt.com.

But I'm about a big hand for tonight's guest. I'm so happy he was with us. The great Eric Griffin, everybody. The return of Eric Griffin. We're getting back to booking some of our favorite guests on this show, and I'm so glad you were able to make it. And I'm glad you're still doing this, by the way, through this crazy times. You found a way to do it.

Kill Tony cannot be stopped. And here it is still doing it. So I appreciate all you guys that came out. And everybody was, you know, we learned a lot tonight. Indeed. Riffin with Griffin is available everywhere. He also is playing video games. For those of you that are into what, Twitch, right?

Yeah, going to Twitch, Eric Griffin Gaming. And that's Eric. E-R-I-K. And my 100th episode of Riffin with. Griffin will be next week. That's right. I actually knew that and forgot to say it. That was my one big note that I wanted to say episode 100.

I've been on an episode with you before. We had some fun talks. Yeah, that was a great episode. Very compelling. One of my favorites. And yeah. Hey, how about the leader of the band tonight? The great Jetsky Jesse Johnson.

Felt great in here tonight. How do you feel, Jetsky? I feel great. I want to lay record for lingerie. I don't like it either. We've been naked this whole time on stage. Wow. But fire naked up there.

Jetsky makes handmade ornaments. For those of you that are into Christmas, you could use them as Christmas ornaments, but we call them anytime ornaments. They are handmade by her. They come with a certificate of authenticity. They're flying off the shelf. She just started making them.

It's her first ever merch, and she makes each one by hand. She ships them out to you. She puts a lot of effort and elbow grease into it, which grease is scary when you're made out of fire. What else, Jetsky? That's all. Thank you so much, Tony.

There she is. The Jetsky, follower at Jetsky Johnson. This young man crank grand slams tonight. How about a big hand for Chroma Chris, everyone? Very funny. Very funny. She reminds me of my sister dumpster fire.

Grand Slam. What else? Croma, what did you think about tonight's episode? Tony, tonight's episode was lit. Yeah, I'm just a... I'm only on Instagram, Chroma Chris. At Chroma Chris on Instagram. And this young man back here, is that our street fighter? No, it's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez the entire time.

He's got mostly sorry on iTunes and everywhere podcasts are available. He's also mostly sorry on social media. What else, Joel? Nothing. I love you guys. This was fun. There he is. There he is.

The great Joel Hernandez. A lot of fun stuff happening over at patreon.com slash Hinchcliff. where Roast University school is in session. A lot of my upcoming guests interviews are some of the longest term writers in the history of roast writing. We're talking about guys that have helped Rickles and George Jessel and absolute monsters of being mean with like five decades of experience now we're getting into. It's very exciting over there for those of you that like insulting humor. It's all happening over at patreon.com slash hingeclip because it turns out I really am the Grand Duke of shit talking. The king of attitude.

The king of attitude. That's me. The duve majesty. The crown prince. Check out my virtual reality podcast, virtual red band. And we have the Brothers Incursive and Dead Air over at Desquad.com. Including a new Patreon for the Brothers Incursive. So if you like William, Montgomery, and David Lucas, help them pay some bills by doing that.

Thanks a lot, guys. And one more thing while I have a second to chat about it real quick, is that when I was in Salt Lake City this weekend. I absolutely was reminded and had a moment of clarity in which I realized how possible it is in safe venues that do it right

to do stand-up comedy and how amazing it is to run along set at places. While Kiltony, obviously, a lot of people sign up and it's in a bucket and you'd have to switch microphones and it takes a lot of groundwork and there's too many people on stage already as it is.

While, of course, we're waiting for a vaccine, scene or whatever for Kill Tony to get back. I told my people that I want to go back on the road more. So look out for Tonyhenjclip.com for new stand-up tour dates coming in November and December.

Good night, everybody. Good night.