KILL TONY - KILL TONY #476

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

Cort McCown, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 10/12/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, DeathSquod.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.TV. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J.Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJ.ebilt.com and pick up some cool killtony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is ShopSquod. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill tony give it up for a tony hatchclay it's still a pandemic so i sit next to you during the start of the show oh it's good to be here how are you brian i'm good we're here again the world famous comedy store another episode of kill tony on the sunset strip hey look everybody it's the great ryan j ebeau right there drawing tonight's episode there's the classic, the turn, the wave, and the point from Ryan J. Ebelt. He draws every single episode of the show.

All those prints are available at Ryan J.Ebelt.com. Every poster, every episode. He's been doing auctions over there. Go check it out. A lot of fun stuff happening. A couple new very limited edition, Kill Tony shirts he just released and other fun stuff as well. And yeah, very exciting.

We're all stuffed up on Vito's Pizza. My favorite pizza place and really one of my favorite Italian restaurants. restaurants in all of the city that I love the most Los Angeles, California. It's kind of ruined the pizza that I usually get now because I'll deliver it. I'm like, God damn, it sucks now compared to the. You know, it's incredible. And I think I mentioned it last week, but I did it again since then. Every little, like, gathering I go to now where I know there's going to be like four or more people,

I pre-order an entire party tray of Ziti. And it comes with an entire tray of breadsticks, an entire tray of salad. Hot salad. And I show up. Actually, it's cold salad. Brian, it's been a while since you had a salad. You may have forgotten. Oh, yeah, that's right.

It is cold. Yeah, salad is not served hot red band. But I'll just bring this entire, these entire trays of food to places, and people are like, what the fuck? And it makes people so happy. People just eat ziti and breadsticks. I mean, the breadsticks alone would stop a party in its tracks, or start one, if you will. But shout out to Charlie. And, of course, last week, we were graced with.

the presence of the Great Grace from Vito's Pizza. I'm all jacked up on delicious caveman coffee. Use the promo code Kill Tony, save 15%. We have amazing sponsors here. I actually eat Vito's. I actually drink Caveman Coffee. I actually love the comedy store. And here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that brought you tonight's episode.

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That's P-L-U-S-H-C-A-R-E dot com slash Tony. Plushcare.com slash Tony. And we're back. What an exciting. Time to be here. We have the great Rick Kosick is here, everybody. Make some noise for Rick. You guys can clap your hands. Rick takes pictures of this show sometimes. He's my neighbor. A little fun fact for you. And he filmed all the jackass movies, all the wild boys. He's a skateboard legend. Right? Photographer. Yes, a skateboard photography legend. Yes, I forgot that part. He's a great photographer, filmographer, cinematographer, filmologist. Camera guy.

Okay. Gentle lover. Look, the great Gino's here. This is a real who's who of the Kill Tony family. Very exciting. The CEO of Speedweed. And never forget, he played a crucial role in Kill Tony's continuation over at Betterbox Studios during some of the craziest times in the history of the world. And we are forever grateful for that.

How about a hand for Gino, everybody? And you wouldn't believe it. You wouldn't believe it, but tonight is such a kill-tony, wild family night, that for the first time ever in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen, a graphic artist who I have been working with, it seems like forever, but I guess it's only been over a year. The great McVader is here for the first time ever, everyone. How exciting, all the way from beautiful Tennessee.

We're happy to have you here. Welcome to the Comedy Store. An unbelievably amazing artist. all internet graphics. Incredible. Anyway, so let's start the show, shall we? We have a guest tonight. This is one of my really good friends.

This is a guy who I've even gotten closer. Yeah, have you been playing a little golfy poo? Yeah, he's been teaching me some stuff, getting my swing right. This guy is an unbelievable golfer, an unbelievable comedian, a guy who I've always looked up to here at the comedy store when I started here, He was already right there in the middle of lineups, killing it, a comedy store paid regular. Famous for movies, TV shows absolutely everything, but a true comedy store guy, one of my good friends. Everybody makes some noise for the great.

Cort McCown, everybody. Yeah. Not his first kill Tony Rodeo at all. He's been here a couple few times. I've judged roast battles with this guy. It's good to be here. Nope. Let's get a little.

Well, there we go. It is good to be here now. There we go. We're a headband. How are you? Good to see you. It's good to be here. And you've been, we've been having fun.

And since I became a golf addict during this pandemic, we've run into each other over at the range. And you've straightened out my swing. I'm helping your swing a little bit. How is he? How is he on that? He's actually not too bad. You know, I mean, it's like, it's like, what a ringing and doors. But I got to, I mean, you just started.

It's the hardest sport in the world. And everybody thinks that they can get two, three months in and they're going to be great. And it's just fucking. It takes you. It takes years. Yeah. It takes years. But I did notice you got the Trump sweatshirt on today, which is fantastic.

Well, the fans at home could not notice that from where the cameras are, but thank you for exposing that and our listenership just went down 50. Oh, thank you, Mr. President. I'm glad that I'm actually glad that you are listening to the show. I didn't realize you were, I had a microphone. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President. I got this playing at your course, by the way.

It is a beautiful chorus here in Palos Verdes, and it's one of my favorite places to go. Thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. Thank you. Indeed. And if you get a chance, I would love it if you would just put my name on a list so that I could play any time, perhaps. What do you think about that?

Wrong. Okay. All right. Let's just keep this fun train moving along. Court, I don't know if you remember this or not, but we have a band on this show. When I first started doing this, it was still upstairs, and there was no band. So now I'm like, I feel like I'm really part of Kill Tony. I love it.

Well, the band, every single episode commits to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been in the back getting ready. It took a long time tonight. Let's see what they are. I hope it's worth it. They're the best damn band in the land. They are the Kill Tony band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, and Chroma Chris. Oh, my God. What in the world is happening? Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at this. Wow. My goodness gracious. They made Jetsky a freaking Christmas tree over here. Poor Jesse Johnson. What an interesting position you're in tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Santa Claus is here. everybody. Clearly pregnant with septuplets. A very strange type of fat. Hello, how are you Santa? Have you been a good boy this year, Tony? You know me. I do. You haven't. Why? What have I done? Have you been watching? Lots of coal, Tony. Lots of coal coming your way. All right. Well, luckily I... Oh, oh. Luckily I'm a big fan of the coal industry, so I'll be able to be able to be able to be able to be. to resell that. Okay, not Mr. President, Mr. Santa Claus.

But Mr. President is here. You're a big fan of the coal industry as well, right, Mr. President? Right? Facially running for president of the United States. That's not what I asked you at all. We love coal, don't we? We don't have victories.

That's not again. Again, this is like Trump doing his Biden impression. Nope. Okay. Okay. Okay, thank you, Mr. President. Jesse Johnson's here. She's a Christmas tree. How are you, Christmas tree? Great to be here, standing tall. Oh, wow, you have the official Jetsky Johnson ornaments on your tree. I love that.

Oh, you saw those. Yeah, handmade by Jesse Johnson available at Jetskyjohnson.com. I bought two. Last week you bought three. Oh, that's right. I bought two more I meant to say. That brings me to five total. That's another lump of cold. Mrs. Claus behave.

Hello, Mrs. Claus. Looking actually, just like all of Joel's female characters, looking extremely beautiful for some reason. I'm hot at fuck. Wow, Mrs. Claus, what have you been? Wow, are you pulling out your breasts? I might if you act nice. Oh, is that, wait, do you have a lisp?

She sucked on two, Many candy canes. That's right. Sometimes your tongue just gets stuck like this. How do you think we made this marriage work for so long? And it appears as if though we have one of the most frightening elves of all time here, everybody. Chroma Chris. Hey, everybody.

Nice to be here. Hi. What's your name, elf? That name's Elfonso. Ha ha. It's just Santa turned the North Pole into a meth lab. Look at this crew. This is wild, man.

This is a fucking party. Jetsky's a Christmas tree. We got the real Santa Claus. This is your first time on the show. Am I right, Santa Claus? It's true. It's so wild. Nothing better than a,

nothing better than a late September, early October appearance by Santa Claus. Well, it's about to be my busy season, so I made some room in my schedule. Okay. That makes sense. You look great. You ready?

So we have a special Christmas episode. Christmas with Court McCown. Everything's here. Everybody's here. So let's start the show, shall we? This is another episode of Kiltone. We're still inside with a very, very extremely, basically no audience, just the close production team here at Kiltone.

But with a few predetermined signups trying to squeeze some new people in here that have been waiting a couple weeks or so to get in, and they're finally in the bucket, so let's start the show. You guys ready for this? Oh, boy, that reminds me of back when we used to have 500 people in the room. You know what, let's not start the show with a bucket. Let's start the show with something special. This is one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen,

to get things started here tonight, this guy, one of the longest tenured regulars in the history of the show, was sent over 20 some pairs of shorts last week. Absolutely insane. And did a little runway strut for us, testing out each pair, some of the pairs of shorts. And he's back again, one of my favorite comedians, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Big Red Machine.

William Montgomery with 60 seconds uninterrupted. Here he is. William Montgomery. I wish they'd attach an iPad to a shake weight so we could form a tight-knit community. I'm kind of jealous of Peloton of people riding their bikes in their living room, cheering each other on. Meanwhile, I'm in the basement with a shake weight looking like I'm training for the dice rolling Olympics. The best part about a shake weight is that you lose 12 pounds and one square inch of your body, and you have the fucking most ripped muscle inside of your right elbow.

Meanwhile, the left elbow looks like Danny DeVito at a nudist resort. Whenever I pull down my underwear, my dick looks like Danny DeVito auditioning for taxi. But seriously, I don't know if y'all heard, but Casper, the friendly ghost died a couple days ago. Just hit the button, Redbin. Why don't you just say thank you? That's my time. Thank you. That's my time.

There you go. And the Christmas Christmas Christmas, Happy Holiday. Yeah, Christmas music. Love it. You love Christmas, right, William? I do. I grew up Jewish actually, but I... You didn't grow up Jewish.

That's the crazy part of what you just said. I know I was going to try to make up a story about how I grew up Jewish, but then we got into Christianity and got big into Christmas. That's right. Speaking of Christmas, you were given tens and tens of gifts last week

as the shorts really started pouring in here at the comedy store. I was. I have some new ones on tonight. That is a beautiful new pair of shorts, buttons, zipped up. Everything is working. It's operational. Do you have a belt on those?

No. Oh, you do. Wow. Look at you, you class act. These are actually, for everybody wondering, I actually wear a size,

uh, 38, not a 40s. So all those 40s I threw away. But it was really sweet of y'all. It was really sweet of y'all. What did your, uh,

you should get those 40s back, buddy. You should get the 40s back. What does that mean? Well, it's a little, the belt's a little tight. They're hanging a little bit.

Let's just say, When you lifted your shirt, I thought, game recognized game. So William, have you spoken to your family or your girlfriend about the new shorts? What are they saying? What's the report? They love it. Yeah. It's a big, it's everybody loves it.

Your girl probably likes how your butt smells better now. Oh, Jesus. Red Band. Huh? Watch it, Red Band. Yeah. Huh? You're going to end up with cold.

I'm always watching. Wow. I bet you are. creepy when you say it like that. Christmas tree, you don't watch anything, do you? No, but he is really always watching. You guys hang out a lot? You hang out with Christmas tree a lot, Santa? Supposedly, but she gets a little freaked out when I try to get

underneath her. Whoa, look out. What does Mrs. Claus think about that? Too busy dealing with the cameras in my bathroom. Oh, look like that lisp really cleared up, miss. I'm glad that the candy games finally wore. So William, we have really exciting news for you. I don't think you're going to believe it. Is there anything else crazy that happened this week? I actually saw a movie for the first time in many years on Netflix yesterday.

I don't know if y'all remember cone heads. I highly recommend it. It's a perfect movie. What happened with Danny DeVito this week? You noticed Danny DeVito in something? I did. That's where the Danny DeVito stuff came out. What's that?

This is yet another pair of shorts, believe it or not. What size are there? Wait, you're going to have to find out. We're going to find out right now. Perfect. I do need some more. Those are a nice color, too. They remind me of your old shorts.

I like these. What size are they? Do you see there? I can't tell. Oh, my goodness. You know what? You got new shirts, too. New shirts?

Yep. New shirts? What do these say? I don't know. Read it. Open it up. Kai happens What does it say?

I don't even get it Oh, this is where we find out William doesn't know how to read Size 38, Volcom That's a good brand Wilcom's nice Love it It's a Christmas giveaway

I should give these The Santa Claus to give to you Little did I know Proof again that we had no idea Ever what the band's going to be You want to open that up And give it to him Please thank you

What are the odds That Santa Claus is here gift-giving day of Kill Tony. How many boxes do you? How many more shorts do I have? This one's exciting. It's postmarked to Billy Montgomery.

Billy Montgomery. Hold on. We got two pairs in that one. Kill Tony is now an unboxing show. Wow. Another pair of shorts. Thank you so much. And Alan Carr's quit drinking.

Perfect. Quit drinking without willpower. Two things. Without Willpower, out is that word. Santa, check this out. How does that work? And a giant bag of candy. Oh, God.

Oh, perfect. Look at that. Instead of drinking, you can eat a bunch of candy. Oh, and you also got a letter here. Could be money. Oh, let's see. Could be money. Could be anthrax.

Nobody really knows. Read it real hard when you open that. Yeah. Santa is opening the letter. letter. I want to see if there's cash in there. That's all I really care about. Perhaps a check, a cashier's check. A love letter? What is that? Is there a check? A gift certificate? A bumper sticker? Find out how not to receive the mark of the beast. Wow. Oh, religious shit. It is a letter from a crazy person.

There may or may not be enough room for this on Red Band's podcast studio table. It's Oh, there you go. It's for red band. Postmarked to William Montgomery. Took a shortcut there. So William, you got a few new pairs of shorts, some new clothes. What do you think? Can we squeeze in a little another runway session today?

Yeah, you want to? Yeah, let's do it. Go backstage and we'll call you out in a bit. There goes William Montgomery. Here we go. We're going to do it again. Happy holiday. Yeah.

Rocking around the Christmas tree. It's another episode of Kill Tony Okay, this should be fun This guy made his debut on this show Just a couple months ago Was back a month ago, and now he's back again He started on this show I believe he's only done this show

He lives up near Modesto So he's real white trash Always has a real interesting story for us Last time he told us that he was strapped And he pulled a strap out of his pants Let's see what happens this week Ladies and gentlemen It is Trey Peacock

Here he is. Santa bait. Oh, Trey Peacock. I love Mexican food and taco trucks. Taco trucks sell the best Coke. That's a fact. But when I say that, there are two different thought processes you can have,

and you're right. You might be the kind of person that hears that and thinks about enjoying a nice cold bottle of Coca-Cola, or you could be the kind of person that hears that and thinks about staying up for three days straight, jacking off and staring out windows. Either way, you want the good shit, you got to get it from a Mexican. You know, you got to love those taco trucks.

They say you are what you eat, and I actually and Mexican, but I guess lately I've been eating too much white bread. I'm a lot like a slice of bread. I get a really jumpy around toasters, but it's not that I'm actually afraid of toasters. It's just whenever I'm around them, I think I'm going to have a stroke, and not like the good kind on my dick, like the bad kind. Thanks, I'm Trey Peacock.

Santa Santa baby it is Santa baby Hurry down the chimney tonight There you go hi Trey how are you Good how are you good I have a lot of questions about that set Is that good look let me tell you something that I've learned 36 years on this planet Never trying cocaine once is that people that do do cocaine don't ever invite me to anything I don't ever see them doing it they don't know they do it people my other friends are always like oh you didn't know your buddy's like a real big coke head. I'm like, what? I just thought he had a great sense of humor like me until

5 or 6 a.m. I thought people were just wired that way. So I don't know anything about cocaine is my point. My question is this. Is that true that Taco Truck sell the best Coke? Well, the joke was Coca-Cola, but yeah, that's the premise. Oh. Well, being someone that's done a lot of cocaine, I will say that Mexican sell the worst cocaine on the planet. That's true. Take that, Mexicans What race has the best cocaine? The Asians? I'm going to guess white people.

White people. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. I just never got any good Coke from Mexico. That's just all I got real case sugar. You know what I'm talking about, Trey. Oh yeah. The fertilizer smell. Now Trey, you do a lot of cocaine, correct?

Yes, sir. Hell yeah, you do. When's the last time you did some cocaine? About 20 minutes ago. Are you serious? You were the laziest looking coke head I've ever seen. I balanced it out. You look like he just did a bomb rip.

That is so interesting that you did it 20 minutes ago. Now that's wild to me. Does it even affect you anymore? Do you have to do cocaine just to get up to base level, would you say? Yeah, my parents gave me out of all when I was a kid. So, yep, I'm fucked up. How much do you do it, like, typical day? Are you going through just like a bump or two, or are you going through like a whole bag?

No, eight ball Last like maybe a week A week How much is an eight ball? Pussy Pussy Not a lot I'm 100 pounds

Eight ball in a night What are you talking about? Eight hours, right? It's called portion control Heard of it Red Bam Like you've ever done that Is that What other drugs do you do regularly?

A little bit of meth Right? Just a touch? Just a little bit So what are we talking about With meth? How often do you do that? That's what I'm calling it.

What? I use that to stay up when I'm working. Okay. How often do you work? Every day I'm not out here. Okay. So now what do you do to come down?

We. Wow. Have you ever tried heroin? Nope, not yet. Is that any like? Well, be a good boy and maybe. You have friends that do heroin? I know some people.

Not really friends, but. Enemies. Do you ever do any pain pills of any kind? Nah. That's probably a good thing. You have a highly addictive personality? Yes, sir. Do you smoke cigarettes?

Yes, I do. How many cigarettes do you smoke a day? Pack. Pack. That's 20 cigarettes a day. Something like that. That's fun. I respect that.

Thank you. It's a heavy smoker myself. Okay. Now I just use this vape pen. And I also go to lucy.com and use their amazing nicotine gum. Absolutely incredible. That wasn't a joke. I don't know why you did a rim shot there.

It was like a stinger for the promo. Oh, thank you. So what else? What else have you tried? Have you ever done anything like, Any like unorthodox drugs? Like huff paint or anything like that? Eat something weird.

Keyboard cleaner. No, sometimes when I'm working, I use acetone. So sometimes, like, I'll be using acetone all day and breathing that and that'll fuck you up. Yeah. Acetone. Yeah. Yeah.

It gives you cancer. Oh, wow. What does that make you feel like? Just lightheaded. Do you have any, do you think you have any signs of cancer setting on? Do you have any, like, you have like a lumpy back or something? Fucker fine. No.

My back cracks when I breathe in sometimes. Okay, dokey. Wow. Well, COVID's not going to be your biggest problem we can see. Welcome to another episode of things I only think of in my nightmares. Your back cracks when you breathe in. Has Dr. Koo? Has Dr. Koo visited you recently, Tony?

No, but I have gotten a lot of feedback since that episode aired from people that analyze dreams and whatnot. And it seems to, it appears as though people have told me that, um, They're saying that I believe the doctors aren't saying all that they know perhaps it's wrapped around the current coronavirus or things like that. That my beliefs are that the doctors aren't saying everything that their jaws are wired shut and it's pouring out of them. Like we are only getting pieces of the information. That's a little thing that I read the other day from someone that sent me something. But interesting stuff. Trey, what else you've been up to since the last time we saw you?

Something funny happened to me today when I was. was working. I had to go to Home Depot and get some parts. I was getting some pipe fittings. And I went to the self-checkout. Self-checkout. And one of the fittings wasn't coming up. So a lady had to come over. And she was beautiful. I was like, oh, this is a beautiful girl. And so she's helping me. The one fitting that didn't come up, it's called a nipple. So she's there. So she's there looking through all the nipples, asking me which one. and it's not there. There's long nipples, short nipples. And so it was kind of awkward, and we finally got it.

And I went, I just thought that was kind of funny. She was all blushing. Like, she didn't know what it was either. Trey, be honest, did you get a boner? Yes, I did. Wow. Look at that. Got a boner.

I'll let it slide. Oh, my goodness. In our house, we call that a Yule log. Oh, wow. You have a little country accent now, Mrs. Clark. That's right. I'm all over the place. I got a lift on the accent.

sometimes I talk like this. Oh my goodness. Let's just say she's traveled with me all over the world and can't pick a voice or a region. Wow. North Pole, South Pole, you're bipolar. As long as it's a pole, I'm all right with it. Mrs. Claus. Bloody Mrs. Claus.

This is a great character. My goodness. Oh, shit. We've seen that. What did I say about the gag reflex, Mrs. Claus? I'm sorry. I'm only human. Oh, wow.

Trey, is it true that what happened after the episode last time you were on when you had the strap on you? Yeah, I was driving home and got another speeding ticket. My goodness. And the wild part of that that you told me is what, that you had? Oh, I didn't have the strap or I did still have the strap on me, but I didn't get caught. I had tree, they took my tree. Wait, what did you have a tree, Christmas tree? Yep.

Tree in your car? Yep. What do you think about that Christmas tree? This guy drives with trees in his car. Like, you guys just go blazes together? Yep. That sounds really nice. So you had marijuana in your car?

Yes, I did. And the cop never found out, right? No, he did. He was like, you got weed in here. Like, after who's already riding me up for speeding, he came back, and he's like, all right, you got tree. And I was like, yeah. So he's like, all right, well, give it to me. So I got it.

gave it to him. I was like, it's under an ounce though, so I'm good. I know that. So he goes back and weighs it and comes back and he gave it back to me. So I was like, sweet. Did you have any cocaine in your car at the time as well? No, I didn't. No, where was that in your asshole? Something like that. You have a big hat. Thank you. Your ears are underneath your hat. I have a small head. You look like a Hey Arnold character. Thank you. How small is your head? Really small. Let's see it. Can we see how small your head is? Whoa, look at that tiny head. Look at that. That is a really...

Does everyone in your family have tiny heads? No, it's just me. I was a pre-me, that's why. Oh, it was. Your mom probably has some wild habits, right? You're a premature ejaculator that doesn't tell us much of all. All right. Yeah, so tell us about the things that your mom's into.

Well, my mom's actually pretty straight-edge. She's a Christian, but she was an alcoholic for a long time. When she was pregnant with you? Probably. I don't know. Oh, okay. Now that small head thing makes sense. Yeah, exactly. All right, Trey. Well, it's always fun.

Well, you're from Modesto? Yes, sir. Have you ever been up to Modesto court? I have been to Modesto. Scary place. It's very, very scary place. He looks like he's from molesto. Whoa, Santa just dropped the bomb on you, dude.

You look like you've been molested, bro. Is the Modesto the one with the casino that has a mic up there that Sam Tripoli used to run? I don't know. The double tree? Temecula, maybe. Two trains. I don't know. Modesto's where like the whole, like the whole thing came down in like 2000, where the whole

crash started, the land, all the fucking real estate crash started, Modesto and Fresno. It's real, real high-end property up there, right, sir? Oh, yeah. Scott Peterson and George Lucas. If you could be the, if you were the head of tourism for Modesto, look directly. General Bogus, can you get behind that camera for a second? and I want you to zoom in on his tiny head a little bit. And I want you to give a pitch straight to camera on why these people should visit beautiful Modesto, California.

Straight to that camera. You're the new head of tourism. Introduce yourself. Say, I'm Trey Peacock, head of tourism, and here's why you should visit Modesto and then ramble about it. Go now, go. I'm head tours, Trey Peacock, and we're here to talk about Modesto. Y'all should go see Ninth Street. That's where all the crack hookers are.

But stay off faith because that's where the cops run down. and stay off of 12th because that's where all the gangs are in. No, you told them where to avoid. Look at camera and tell them all the great things about Modesto. Go ahead. There's a movie theater. There's taco trucks. There's a lot of coke.

You could get weed from any of the clubs out there. You could get it on the street. That's 9th Street, too. Come visit Modesto. Anytime you want, you're welcome here. What was that final line? Come visit Modesto and we tell you how you welcome here. What was that?

I don't know what I said. That was beautiful. That was beautiful. and that is perfect. That is everything great about Modesto. So if you're into any of those things, stay off a 9th Street, avoid 8th Street, the cops are running on 12th Street.

We got great Coke, great taco trucks. You come here, we know you welcome. Yep. All right, Trey. Well, fun times. Thank you. Congratulations. This is your third time ever doing stand-up?

Yes, it is. There you goes. Trey Peacock, everybody. Right on. There you go. Trey Peacock, chasing his dreams. Taking a break from the cocaine and the meth To grace us with his presence here on Keltony

A young, Trey, how old are you? 21 years old, already addicted to meth and cocaine How about another hand for Trey, everybody? These are just some of the wild characters here. Have you ever been offered Coke? Like, have you been around it before? I mean, yeah, people, I've been sort of around it. I've definitely been offered it.

And people are always like really surprised that I don't do it. It seems like you like skinny and I'm always up late night. And you're a writer. A lot of writers take it. Yeah. You'd probably like it too much. Yeah, probably. Probably.

I enjoy. You know, and another thing is people are always like, no, it's great for when you get drunk, it brings you back. And I'm like, but what that's what I get drunk for. I get drunk to get drunk. Like that's the feeling that feels good. So I want to stay there. But you've done a lot, right, Cort? That's part of your legacy back in the day.

You were like, you know. I experienced quite a bit of cocaine. Yeah, yeah. You were a movie star in the, what was that? In the 80s? Yeah. But yeah, it was very, but I started doing it in the 70s. Oh, wow.

So I was like, I was really. Yeah, yeah. It was, but it was really expensive back then. Like it was extremely expensive, but it was really good. Now it's like Modesto. It's like cut with shit. It's not as good. Don't get him started on the Mexicans.

No, no. All right, Santa. It's the Jews. It's the Jews that ruined it. When Mrs. Claus was younger, she stole cocaine from a friend and then help them look for it. Yeah?

How did that end? Turns out they lost it in the snow. Man, I'm telling you, I sure do got big balls. And sometimes when I'm shaving, I'm a little nickel happen, and I'll bleed all over the place. like a gosh darn stuck pig ball sack.

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today, only at my bookie. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Uh, this is this young lady's first time on the show met her a week or two ago told her to swing by again or told her to swing by to come back and perform she wanted to perform then she's performing now the name is Carolyn Georges

everyone here we go first time on Kill Tony here we go to town it's Caroline Georges I'm a stripper no it's great being a stripper but I do have to live with the stigma.

I get slut shames for being a stripper, which is wrong because I'm a sluts don't get paid. I'm a whore, so I get it right, you know, if you're going to shame me for anything. I'm not just kidding. I'm not really a whore. I don't really like labels. But I, yeah, so anyways,

but people do ask, a lot of friends will ask me, like, do you do anything in the VIP? Like, do you do extra in the VIP? And I always just tell them, like, no, I don't do extra in the VIP. the VIP. I'm a Christian. You know. So, but as far as, like,

slut-shaming goes, like, the logic of it is just really beyond me. Like, what did I do that's, like, so wrong by fucking guys? Like, did I fuck you? Like, did I suck your dick and make you come? Like, what's like about slut-shaming that I'm the bad guy, you know, in this situation that I'm being shamed? That's my time.

Sorry. Hey, Caroline Georges. Hey, all right. Wow. There's a lot in there. Coming to town. Caroline George's first time on Kiltoni. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Three years.

Three years. All of it here in L.A.? Yeah. How long have you been a stripper for? Since I was 18. Since you were 18. Wow. How old are you now?

It's been about 10 years. Wow. That's so cool. We're at. All over L.A. Like the body shop, I used to run into comedians all the time at the body shop when I worked there in college and stuff. and, you know, but like kind of deja vu.

You know, like, but then also like some of the smaller clubs and stuff, like, did like one day at Spirman Rhino and got out of there really fast. So no shame in your game. You're a proud stripper. What's the most amount of money you've made in one night of stripping? Six grand. Wow. Whoa. Wow.

Santa just got real interested right now. Looks like somebody needs to tell me what you'd want for Christmas this year. Uh-oh. Cocaine. Wow. Wow. We have another, it appears as though, we have another fan of cocaine here on Kill Tony. How long have you been doing drugs for?

Oh, I mean, I don't really. Honestly, it gets, it's kind of old hat doing drugs if you're a stripper. You know what I mean? You get kind of, it honestly, like, kind of, because clients want you to do it with them sometimes and stuff. And so it's like you kind of have to like learn the tricks of how to talk your way out of it and stuff. But at the same time, like, you know, it's, yeah. Any cool stories, like a famous celebrity that came in there? Yeah.

Oh, here we go. There you go. Go ahead. Name names. Name names. No, no. I mean, sometimes family men will come in and you'll be like surprised. Like, oh, that guy, like, you know, that celebrity, like that actor and he's like a, like, you know, has like a wife and kids and stuff.

And his name is. No. He's on a really popular HBO show. He started in a really popular HBO show. And what was the show about? The Sopranos? No, I can't say. I can't say.

No, I'm kidding. No, I know. I don't want to, I don't want to throw anybody under the, uh. No. But, like, Republicans come in, too. Like, there's like a couple, like, the Republicans, like, strippers are, like, Republican pundits. You mean, like, politicians. Yeah.

Right, of course, yes. Or comedians that wear politicians, pullovers. Right. Any good comedy stories, like comics that came in that you could definitely talk about comics. That's how it works. Republicans go to strip clubs and Democratic politicians go to pizza places that have pedophile-filled basements. Yeah. Those goddamn reptiles.

But famous comedians, anybody like that? No, I mean, I don't want to say, you know, but just like, like, you know. Again, that makes sense. I don't want to do that to anybody. You know. So you've been stripping for 10 years. Is there an end goal for you? Like, what are you, what are you saving money for?

I just kind of, I came to L.A. because I kind of wanted to have an exciting life and stuff. Where'd you come from? I come from Alaska. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. They don't even have strip clubs in Alaska, do they?

Oh, yes, they do. Oh, they do. They got a great strip club. Big business. Big, big, big. Business. Wow. Now where I'm from.

I work at Alaska. It's got an ASS in it. You didn't get... I get it. Good one. Mrs. Claus. This is Glow. Okay.

So when you say they don't have them where you came from in Alaska, what do you mean exactly? I'm from like a really small town. Like it's 30,000 people, really tiny. Were you born in an igloo? No. In a hospital. Igloo Azalea.

Okay. It's one of those moments where Mrs. Clause needs to take a breath. She's dancing. Mrs. Claus, easy. We've seen this before. It's been a few weeks since we've seen that character get a little over-amped up. What did you do before the show, Mrs. Clause?

Anything different than usual? Just suck a lot of dick and have a bunch of eggnog, baby. Mrs. Claus, I tried to tell you, that was an eggnog. All right, everyone. So, Carolyn, do your parents know that you're a stripper? Yeah. And what do they think about that? My dad does my taxes.

Oh, sweet. I'm more surprised that strippers do their taxes. Yeah, we're Americans. We do everything that everybody else does, you know. That is the most American thing I've ever heard in my life. A stripper going, we are American. Well, you know, we're not. That's beautiful.

Thank you. So your dad does your taxes. what is your mom think about it? You know, what happened was is that I had a falling out with a girlfriend and so she told my parents. Ripin, so excited that there's a stripper on this show. He just,

his jewel pen just flew up out of his hands in the air and he tried to catch it and it fell. Don't make that noise ever again. Oh, I'm going to vomit. Okay. So what does your mom say about it? A friend of mine actually, like, lashed out at me and told my mom kind of, you know,

when she didn't know and stuff. Oh shit. Yeah. And so my mom, so my mom just sort of like told me like she was like, you know what, it makes sense. And she was like,

she started said like it's kind of a compliment, like I have the personality for it. So it's like she's very passive, aggressive about it. Like she's never going to be. What does she do for work? She's a housewife. Oh, so nothing at all.

She couldn't even muster up being a stripper. You hear that, Mrs. Claus? Yeah, Mrs. Claus. How do you earn your keep? Well, I have, first of all, I got a serious question, if I may, Go ahead. When a stripper dies, do you dance half-mast?

Okay, there you go. Great question. What else do you have to say, Mrs. Claus? Okay, what is the elf? I'm seeing the elf in the microphone. I want to see what elf has to say. I think we could definitely use someone like her on our North Pole. Okay, there you go.

Oh, that's the shit you like! Yeah. Elfonzo. Yeah, jokes and references, Mrs. Claw. I said I had a serious question. Yeah. All right. The word Alaska having the word, the sound ass in it doesn't really.

I'll ask for another joke. Fuck you. Mrs. Claus, the language is getting a bit much. So COVID has to be really hard on you because there's no strip clubs. What have you been doing to make cash? That's a great question. on unemployment and yeah and then I'm working part-time at a dispensary and stuff so I have to ask you do you have a boyfriend no have you had boyfriends while you were stripping yeah yeah lots

what's that like are they they get jealous easily are they my guess is this my guess is the first the first date and the first couple weeks they're like no it's fucking cool you do you I do me I'm real independent and then I two three weeks into it yeah they start hitting you up like hey you said you were going to be done. Start coming to the club and just sitting at the bar, staring at you. I know that. Dropping their jewel pen and making noises like, hmm. Okay.

Right? Are we right about this? Welcome back to the live reading of the autobiography of Brian Reddette. So it's, it's, they're all good. They're carefree in the beginning and then they start to get jealous real quick. I used to lie and say I was a nanny or say like, you know, I did other things. So I actually had like, I used to lie about it.

I used to be really ashamed of it. And so I used to lie about it. And so I'd have like full on relationships like, you know, six months, seven months long relationships. They had no idea. Wow. Yeah. And then when they find out, what did they do? Only one found out.

Yeah. Because he did my taxes. Oh my God. That's why you got to let daddy do the taxes. So what happened when he found out? Can you give us a real, real breakdown? of what that was like. What are all these receipts for $1?

There you go. Thank you. All right, after a question, can you tell us what that was like when he found out? He just kind of was, he asked me about, like, you know, expenses and that sort of thing. And also, like, because he was like, I thought you worked at an, and I told him I worked at it as a receptionist at, like.

Sure, sure. And so on the checks that you get at strip clubs, it's like they have like fake names. You know what I mean? Like fake business names. Right. So he was like, what's star? entertainment you know like what is this right but when you told him when you're finally like i'm a stripper well he knew and then he told me and then he told you you were a stripper no he

told me he knew because of he looked up stars entertainment where i was getting my checks and um he was like that's a he thought i did porn at first and then right and turns out it was okay it was just stripping but then um you know what is that that only lasts about another month right yeah pretty much. It's hard, but it's okay. When you're not stripping, what are you into? You have any hobbies? Do you like to make pottery or things like that?

You into a mathematics, science, nuclear energy studies? No, just comedy pretty much. I went to film school. I got a degree in film. And then I taught film appreciation for a while. I guess that's something I did for like a year and a half. Where at? I don't want to say.

I got fired. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's cool. I guess. Why did you get fired for? For showing them rated our movies. Oh, yeah, it was at a high school

And I thought they were fine To watch them and stuff Like what kind of rated our movies Are we talking about? Like, well, you know, I don't think There's anything wrong with Schindler's list You know what I mean? That kind of thing

You showed Schindler's list At a high school? A double feature with striptees Back to back. They didn't know I was a stripper either They didn't know I was a stripper either But yeah But also, yeah

That's interesting Do you ever just You know, sit down by the fire and string popcorn together? Sure. No, no, no. That was a great moment right there. That was a really nice moment.

A lot of people have said that Christmas trees ask all the best questions. I respect the stripping, but it terrifies me. Anytime that I get undressed, I'm immediately killed. Because you're a tree. So do we sometimes.

Absolutely. Somebody going to get her. Have you ever had a really dangerous moment in a strip club? Yeah. You don't want to know. Yes, we do. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, come on. You don't have to name names. Yep. No name. Okay. I guess this one time, I was, I didn't really know what to do. Like, oh, I, there's this girl and she had been trafficked. And so I, so I, so it was.

LA, the traffic's bad. Yeah, so helping her and stuff was really, you know, was really freaky. Because like, you know, you didn't want to get the person that trafficked her mad. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. What'd you end up doing? We got her in Airbnb and then she came to work with all of her stuff and then she went to the Airbnb and then she, yeah. Then she went back to the trafficker.

Oh, I know. I think she escaped and then she went to Hawaii. She was from Hawaii and so, you know, like a trafficker was like, I want to make you a model, that kind of thing. And then, you know, started, you know. Wow. So it's not just girls going to college stripping. There's trafficking and in all kinds of other fun, interesting stuff. Santa, what the fuck are you doing over there?

Get involved. I'm a flyover. Now, you're a beautiful girl. You're what, 28 years old, something like that. Have you seen a lot of, have you seen in your 10 years there? Have you seen a lot of strippers, like, grow old and have a tough time letting go at the game? Yeah, like, there's one woman, like, she was, like, Billy Idol's girlfriend.

Like, she was, like, you know, when she was really young, like 18. And so she had, like, all these photos of them and stuff. And she's still, like, stripping. And she was stripping when she met Billy Idol and stuff. And so, like, and so she was, like, and so she was. She's, yeah, so it's kind of crazy. But she's had, like, clients for, like, 15 years. You know what I mean?

That's, like, she's like. She's got regular. Destiny, you've tore both of your ACLs. It's time to hang up the hat and the shoes. Okay. Your colostomy bag is showing. Okay. That's not a panty liner.

It's a colostomy bag line. Do you know malice? Malice? Yeah. Uh-oh, this is the part where red band starts dropping, strip her names. Oh, my God. She's great. I think I do.

You know malice. Yes. How do you forget a malice? No, you don't forget a malice. Everyone knows malice. No, she has the whip. She's famous, yeah. With the Mohawk.

She's like a Hollywood legend. Oh, I think even I know her just from like hanging out. She's like tattoos on her. Yeah, she's great. All right. Fun times, Caroline. Thank you so much for coming on and teaching us so much about the art of stripping. This was so fun.

Thank you so much. Awesome. There she goes. Caroline Georges, everyone. Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to down Man, I can't wait till the ice house

opens up again. You ain't lying. You ain't lying, my friend. That one would be an instant book right there. So we've met a new person there that hasn't been on this show before. Your next comedian, a regular on this show. This guy is a true anchor of this show.

it down every single week. Absolutely love this guy with all my heart. One of my really good friends. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great David Lucas. Here he is. Yeah. White people can't cook worth the goddamn. There's

only one thing white people can cook better than black people, and that's meth. Y'all motherfuckers got some ancient recipes for that shit. I like to put my stomach on girls back when I'm hitting it doggy style, kind of like a paperweight. Don't let her ass go nowhere.

What the fuck you think you're going? Men don't mind if women are fat. I do a lot of online dating, so of course I meet a lot of fat bitches. But when I meet you and we go out to eat, show up with some fucking personality. Don't just show up fat. You know what I'm saying?

like I hate going out to eat with fat girls they act like they don't eat shit like this bitch is sitting there picking that french fries like but you know damn well I know that you eat more than that I eat more than that so quit playing with yourself what was that? Was that it?

Different cat for some reason really off the normal format of the show that's a different cat are we being invaded by different cats wait did you just say no You keep saying no Yeah, huh

Wait, what? What is happening? Okay, all right This is absolutely the dumbest shit That's ever happened In the history of the show I was San Diego Straight into San Diego

Which nobody listening knows about But go ahead You just performed in San Diego this weekend How was it? Killed that shit Oh, okay, good Well, there you go. And the owner, he messaged me because he thought I was talking shit about the club.

But I, so I wasn't talking shit. And he actually paid me. Who? The owner of the club? Yeah. Okay. He messaged me because he heard that I wasn't happy. But you know, like, he put nine people up before me.

So, you know, when something like that happens, you have to address it as the headliner. No doubt. And I'm like, it's not that I was talking shit, but if you have nine people before you as the headliner. Abnoxious. You have to make it no to the rest. You have to acknowledge that. Beyond obnoxious. And you had no idea that there was going to be nine people.

And how long was your set? I did 30. He told me to bring, so I brought a feature. And I was like, okay, there'd be probably a local opener and a fucking host. And not fucking nine. What was the reason for the nine people? I'll tell you off air. I love the club.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. So let's talk about stuff. David, you were talking about something that stood out to me is if having sex with a woman doggy style, you like to put your belly on their lower back. Like a paperweight. Now, I don't understand that, obviously, because I'm built like a rail. And normally, if I'm having sex in the doggy style position, I'm the one that is in the doggy position.

I'm on bottom. I'm on bottom. I know you are. But you like to spread your leg. We know that. That's right. And dildos come out, and then whatever anybody wants to put in there, they can put in there. Right now I have $4.50 in quarters in my butthole.

Damn, nigga, you got enough money to help the chain shortage we got in America. Okay. All right. So here's my question. If your belly is on their lower back, is there ever a time where you go perhaps too far out and then back in and you're like, oh,

you're like belly gets stuck between their butt. Does it fall down? I ain't ever had no shit like that, bro. No, I don't know how it works. Because it seems like that would happen. No. One time my belly button kissed Mrs.

Claus' butt hole. Is that true Mrs. That's right. What did that feel like to you? Hey! Okay. All right. There's the one part noise.

So, David, what's been happening this week in your life other than going down to San Diego? What else has happened? I fell in love with asai-bo's, bro. Oh, look at that. How long have you been in L.A.A. 10 years. There you go. That's right about when it happens.

I had an asai bowl in fucking peppermint water today at Creation on 3rd Street. What is an Azaibo? It is the whitest shit. I don't even know what an Acai is. It's from Brazil. Oh, Mrs. Claus knows her. The berries. it's from the Amazon rainforest

and they blend it up with ice and put some bananas. It's a very healthy treat. The jiu-jitsu community is very into it. Indeed. Gives you a lot of energy. There's normally granola, bananas, things like that inside of it. It tastes like you're eating ice cream pretty much like Scherber.

Some of it has a lot of sugar in it. It does not taste like a fucking Aceibo. Ice cream tastes like... No, it tastes like Sherbert. If you ever had it, it tastes like a fucking sherbur. It tastes like a fucking sherburr raspberry sherbur. It has the texture of Sherbert. It doesn't actually like...

You could equate everything to... an unhealthy food if you want to. Exactly. It's still not healthy. You know how much sugars in that shit? Y'all know pita bread tastes like pizza, right? But it's fruit. It's natural sugar.

Whereas ice cream and sherbiz is different types of Yeah, the shit is good, bro. Process sugar. White people don't hit it on a lot of shit, but they hit it on that asaibos shit. Absolutely. They hit it on the head. No, we do.

White people are good cooks, by the way. You don't count Italians as well? White in your... Fuck, no, that's ethnic. Yeah, I agree. White people can't do... I don't... Name a white dish that come from, like...

Grill cheese. That's a good one. That's a nigger dish. Oh, shit. Hamburg... That's a nigger's dish. Hamburgers. Yeah.

Hamburgers. Harkin cookies? The black dish. The only thing white people can probably be accredited with is goddamn tuna cassero. Ugh. Tuna casserol. Any type of cassero, that's white as fuck. T-bone steak.

I don't think I've had a... cassero on 15. T-bone steak sounds like a black guy too. Hey, what's up, T-Bow? Hey, what's up? My nigga T-Bow! No, no, you took that from the white people. Come on.

I was in prison with a man named T-Bone steak. Tony went to prison just for the showers. That's right. I go there and they're like, all right, you have to hit the showers. I'm like, how many bars of soap can you give me? Right. Because I want to drop at all.

I'm going to drop soap like Red Band's Jewel pen with a stripper on the stage. Whoa! drop it to the floor. I love to see your booty go. Okay, there you go. Thank you, Santa. Thank you, Santa. Thanks, Santa.

There you go. Thank you, Santa. What's my boy day? That niggas, a handsome white guy. Say Nick. Cort McHowen. Court McCowan. It's good to see, buddy.

What's up, dog? Nice teeth, full beard. I hope I have that much hair when I'm your age, dog. Hell yeah. Like, when I was younger, I used to want to be white so I could do my hair like the little, the burnt Reynolds, that shit. Yeah, I'm 78 years old.

Yeah, you just wait. You probably like, honestly, because white people age bad because y'all had us in slavery, you're probably like 36. No. No. No, he was doing cocaine in the 70s. Oh, shit. So you might be older. You're a white dude that took a kid.

He actually knows the dad from Teen Wolf that we always talk about on the show. Yeah, I always reference, like even tonight, I sort of see it in Chroma Chris. I see the dad from Teen Wolf and a lot of people. A little bit, yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah, where's the background? We had the last one. Elf, how are you doing back there, by the way?

You having fun this episode? Yeah, fantastic, Tony. Thank you. All right. Elf's hard at work, making toys for all the boys and girls. What's your favorite Christmas memory that you've ever had? Shit. You know what?

I'm going to let you think about it. Let's check in with your brother in cursive, everybody, trying on some new clothes for us. Here he is. It's the great William Montgomery, everybody, with a new. pair of shorts. Wow. No, you can't. William, William, you can't.

No, no, no, you cannot. You can't talk. Shout out to Mike Peterson from Modesto. He loves these mesh shorts. Right. These are new mesh shorts. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Have you been doing something at all? Physically? Have you been working out? What have you been doing to work out? All right. Well, then do some push-ups for us. There's some push-ups from William Montgomery proving. Oh, the hat goes backwards.

And here he is. Wow. That is... That's louder than everything else. There we go. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. How about some sit-ups?

Can you do sit-ups, William? Enough push-ups. How about some sit-ups? I think that's what would be really interesting to see. Here's William. He's going to try some sit-ups for us. Here he goes. Segwaying seamlessly.

into sit-ups. This is the moment of truth here. We know the guy can do push-ups, but, whoa, yikes. These are, he's only lifting up his head, really. Only, hold on, everybody's stopped. That's enough music. William, wait a second. Only your, yeah.

Only is, only, only. Wait a second, what's that lump on the top of your head? Oh, my God, he does. He has a, have you always had that? No What the fuck? Forget about the ball? No.

There's a There's an incredible lump. Where his bald spot is, there's actually like a bubble. Yeah. William, has that always been there? Yeah, it's fine a bit. That's not, no, that's not spina. That's a snow globe.

How long has that been there, William? Really? Well, he never takes his hat off, so he might be right. All right. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody, with a little showing of the shorts. Go throw on another pair of shorts. We'll bring you back in a second.

I thought about it, bro. Yeah. So it was like 2002. Favorite Christmas memory. It was like 2002. I was like in the sixth grade and shit. And my mom had bought me a computer. And this is when I found out Santa Claus wasn't real.

You take that back. It was my favorite Christmas because I got a lot of shit, but it was also like heartbreaking. Because she couldn't figure out how to hook my computer or something. she had to call my uncle. So Christmas, for me, didn't start to like 1 p.m. And I was sad as shit. And then later on that day,

she told me Santa Claus wasn't real that she'd buy all this shit. How old were you? I was in 6th grade, so like, what, 11? Damn. I have a story just like that. I asked for a computer. I think I've told this on here before,

but I asked for a computer. All my friends had more money than me. They all had computers at their house. And like, you'd go and you'd visit, and you could barely do anything on computers at the time. But everybody else had one. I was the last kid to get one. and I asked for a real computer.

Sure enough, this giant presence underneath the tree that morning. And I'm like, no fucking way. I think we did it. And I opened it up. And it was a monitor and a keyboard. And I noticed that there was like a printer attached to the keyboard part. Like the back of the keyboard was a printer. And it was a word processor.

Oh, yeah. And you couldn't do a fucking thing on it. You couldn't upload, download. There was no games on it. It was literally just. Just type and you could see what you were typing on the screen and you had the choice to either print or not print. And that was it.

It was a fucking bamboozle. I'd rather would have had nothing at all than this stupid fucking word. I got the same thing. I got the Texas instrument. It was like a T computer that had nothing to do with internet or anything like that. My first computer was a gateway. 20-inch monitor. I used to work there.

Wow, I got Blue Lake Power Ranger toys. You guys' childhood sounds great. bootleg from the swap me they were like Mexican Power Ranger toys you guys are bitching about a word processor

Mrs. Claus Mrs. Claus Why would you get bootleg leg Power Rangers toys? I thought you were hundreds and hundreds

of years old but bootleg Power Ranger toys Let's just say I saved her from a scarred past Tony Were they like

beige fucking weird colors or what? Let's just say they didn't fit right you know I got the whole

the gun that's supposed to click together and be the mega gun. It just, the pieces didn't really click in properly. Vamo, Vamo, Ranger. All right. David, fun times. Another fun appearance. I'll be on a, I got an episode soon.

I was, I got an episode of a concrete podcast coming out soon. I'll be filming that in Tampa. So I'd probably be out in like a month. Sweet. Or two weeks. So yeah. Doing that shit. doing uh yeah David Lucas is funny right David Lucas funny on IG these niggas know who I am

Of course there he goes the great David Lucas everybody You guys got you guys got word processors and I got an 8-track player when I was in a six A track track you know honest to God I rather would have had the 8 track player even in fucking 1990 or whenever it was that I got that thing because it was All it forced me to do was my homework, which I hated more than anything. It doesn't sound like I think it really did anything. It didn't do a fucking thing.

You know what? In retrospect, and almost immediately, actually, I felt bad for my mom. You know, it was one of those things where it's like, fuck, where you really realize like, oh, you're poor and, you know, your mom, like, might not be that smart.

Did she see, could she see the disappointment in your face? Dude, I mean, I, Is it like one of those things where you open it up and then you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, I would complain about it relentlessly. I mean, I was such an asshole. I got a used typewriter one year. So word processor, not so bad. All right, wow.

I mean, I'm also fucking a legal resident of the United States. You're right. The North Pole just got incorporated into America. So I think it's different, right? Americans are supposed to get better Christmas presents than illegal immigrants. With their rip-off Power Ranger toys. Easy, Tony. Wait, when you lift up your mustache like that.

We add some green to Santa Claus. He's Mexican all of a sudden. Green and an eagle. Okay, I'm excited about this one. I got a message from this guy, and it was very, very compelling and interesting. I do believe that this is his first time. on the show ever. Ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise for Jeff Raias, everyone. Here's Jeff. Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse opens like, hey, here he is, Jeff Reyes. Hey, everyone, I just got separated from my wife. It's been about a month. We're living together still. It's pretty weird.

I feel like I looked like I got separated maybe. Maybe I sound like it, I don't know. But I, um, but I, um, one of my sons just recently got diagnosed with, uh, I have seven-year-old twins, twin boys, and one of them just recently got diagnosed with autism. And I feel like you got it from me for obvious reasons, I feel like. Like sometimes, I don't know, like sometimes I, like I live in a wilderness kind of area. I'll just, I'll see a rabbit and I'll chase it,

like a simulate like a coyote chase, you know? Even make the sounds. And I almost like, in my head I'm thinking, like, I'm probably saving this fucking thing's life, but also it's, I don't know. Wow, Jeff, Reyes. I love it. honest to God, one of my favorite performances of the night so far.

And this is your first time doing stand-up? Oh, yeah, first time. Wow, first time ever performing anywhere ever. And there's something about you that really sort of, I think, naturally commands people's attention. You don't really project, but it's not that you're underperforming. It is just the right amount to sort of get people to lean forward and really listen to what you're saying. and very, very, very interesting life you're living right now. That's all true, right?

Recently divorced this month? No, not divorced. Sorry. And I think just right now, like how my voice almost cracked. That's why I don't project sometimes because at a certain, like, level, it kind of just breaks through. Like I said, it was great. But I wasn't like kidding. We're still together.

I mean, like I've been married for like, I guess together for since like 13 years, 12 years. Okay. We just kind of separated like a month ago, but we're kind of still living. together. It's still like very kind of mutual, like, uh, respectful, like, it's still like, trust me, I get it. So it's been a month. What caused the separation, if any one thing

particular? It just sort of grew apart over time. Uh, I mean, yeah, I think that's it. I think we're both. I mean, we got like married pretty young. Yeah. Did she give you a word processor for Christmas? Uh, no, this, uh, she did, on Valentine's Day, uh,

she did tell me I looked like, like Captain America, like pre, like kind of like soldier I guess like I don't know what the fuck I think she meant to kind of like joke but it kind of stung a little bit because it was like so how many kids do you have total just twins just the twins were you surprised when you found out that you were having twins uh yeah we just I mean like we just expected to have one and uh they're just they're identical so it's just kind like the egg spontaneously splits well that's probably pretty stressful on the relationship having twins and now you say the one's autistic.

So that's... Yeah, one has... And only one's autistic? Are we sure about this? I think we don't know, but one of them, like, kind of has, like, a lot of signs of it. And they're identical. They say, like, 80% of identical twins. If, like, one has a diagnosis, probably the other does.

Wow. So the other one's just not showing symptoms yet? I mean, like, some, but it's, like, I feel like not enough to maybe, like, impact them. Right. What's the one that is autistic? What's he doing that is autistic? I mean, he's gotten like a lot better, but he just, he just kind of takes things like very literal. Like for sure, like whenever you like laugh, like he doesn't understand like the like the context.

Like if you even feel like he does something cute and you like or he says something kind of funny. Right. And you laugh, he'll like kind of like swing or even hit you. He's gotten a little better like hitting. Oh, oaky dokey. So yeah, that's that's that. But he's also like, I mean like he can like play with Legos and just like hum to himself for like three hours and just like, hmm, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And just kind of like. Wow. Easily entertained the kind of kid that you could give a, that you can give a bunk-ass power range or two, and he'd be able to have fun with it for a while. That's fun. And, yeah, anything like that. Ooh, Christmas tree is a question.

Yeah, bright side of the separation, two Christmases. So, yeah. That's great. That's great. Double the tree. You could have twins, twin trees. So you guys sleeping in two separate bedrooms or something like that? Yeah, kind of like,

I'm like where we live. Our house has like a separate kind of loft. So it kind of works because as long as we're not like killing each other and we can like, because I think that's maybe like why it hasn't worked or it didn't work. It's because I think we're so kind of like centered too. Right. We kind of have to be. I think we're both like special ed teachers.

Okay. Who cheated? Oh, wow. What are the odds of that? Two special ed teachers. That's good. And you have autistic twins. Look at that.

That's like hitting the special lottery. It's bringing your work home. Do you have, do you have any? Give it up for Mrs. Claus for that joke. What did she say? Bringing your work home. Oh, yes, exactly. Christmas tree, go ahead.

Do you have any special ed moves in the bedroom? Yeah, special bed? Some good moaning. She's like spit on my back and you're like, I'll slobber. Oh my goodness. Why would she ask, why would she ask him to spit on her back? Kink. Frightening.

You say you live in the wilderness. Do you like, is that true? You live in like a forest? Not the wilderness. It's more just kind of like the foothills. But I mean, we get like a like to really work right up against the kind of like the wilderness. So we get like rattlesnakes like coyotes like.

So special ed. You got the kids. You're separated. What do you like to do for fun? How do you escape from it all? I mean, I'm a big like hooper like basketball player. Oh shit. I mean I was playing like daily like at the gym.

But it just like once a guy shut down. You said you're a hooper. So I really believe you. You don't have a basketball in your car, do you? I thought about bringing one with that. Tony's going to make me a dribble up here and I was like that's That would have been so awesome. I mean, I'm not a great dribble.

Man, I wish you had a basketball. Anybody have a basketball on them? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, like I like to draw a lot in graphic design. Oh, that's cool. That's fun. But basketball, my guess here, I'm looking at you.

I know a little bit about sports. My guess is that you're a real hustler out there on the court. Am I correct? You're a point guard. I have to depend on the hustle because of athleticism. Of course. But, but I mean, my guess, my guess. guess is that you're extremely good and you surprise people on the court.

Yeah, I think like when I play against, like, people, they're like, oh, like, that white can only show him is. Right. Last pick. And then next thing you know, you're doing a lay up right in fucking T-bone Jackson's face. Okay, dokey. That's fun.

What was your childhood like? Oh, just like a mess kind of filled like, yeah, just divorced kind of like parents. I think both parents were married and, like, divorced three times apiece. And I was like, yeah. Right. Did you get any off-brand toys for Christmas? No, it's all like name brand. Fuck!

That's right, I got you. Very interesting. Where were you during my fucking Christmas? So now you're recently separated. You think your wife's banged anybody yet? No, like we haven't like really like kind of like talked about that. I mean my therapist, like I've been like in therapy recently. Right.

And like she was a... She? Uh-oh. What are we talking about here? Could she be, uh, you ever think of? about having sex with your therapist? You ever get the case of the Tony Sopranos? It's not like that.

It's not like that. It's not like that. No? But I asked her and she was like, can I ask you something? Have you ever been unfaithful? And I was like, no. Like I mean, I haven't.

And she was like, well, I've never cheated. I was like, which is true. I have never done that. And it's like, um, huh. Well, you might want to cheat when you see the incredible styles of William Montgomery and new shorts. Here we go. Here he comes.

Here he is. This is incredible. Oh, wow. Cacky shorts on this one. This is for all of you that are into a... What would you do if you walked in to your place and your wife was having sex with this? Oh, my God. I would submit.

Be nice to. Submit. Perfect. There you go. What would you do to him if he walked in on you having sex with... I would have sex in his bottom. Wow, you would his butt? He would submit.

me. Oh my goodness. If you were going, if you were, William, I have a question for you. Let's say you had sex. Let's say you were having sex with his butt and you felt the urge to have an orgasm. Where would you finish? Where would you finish? Where would you shoot your shot, William? There you go.

Very honest answer there by William Montgomery. He would pull out and shoot on your back. Right on your back. Oh my goodness. for the shorts. Williams got a lot of energy right now. Those are very aggressive shorts he has on right now. It's a very different.

Well, I think that the gym shorts with the elastic made you a little bit less, a little calmer. I think the button is riled him up. All right. There he goes. William Montgomery with another new pair of shorts. He's going to be back out again soon. Any moment now. If they wrote a book about you, Jeff, what would be one of the first?

of the most interesting fun facts about you, like something that you've done or something that you've accomplished or perhaps a special skill other than basketball or something like that. Like something, a real fun, fun fact. Perhaps you saved somebody's life before or something like that. I did. There was a kid's birthday party a few years ago and there was like a goat. Like there was choking. It was like a petting zoo.

Yeah. Somehow he had like kind of twisted. The goat was choking. Yeah, the goat was choking. He had like a collar on. Oh, shit. Yeah. PTSD right there.

It was like, so he was like choking and then this girl, they put like some like 15 year old girl in charge and she came inside the house like in tears. You know, the goat, the goat. We went out there. The thing was like foaming out of the mouth. It's like eyeballs were kind of like bulged out of its head. Oh my God. I went, I had like a knife, but it was just so tight and I was like, holy shit. And then I realized there was just like a little clip there.

And then like the goat was fine. He just kind of like was just like laying with his tongue out for like 10 minutes and he got up. Wait, what was the clip? What do you mean? It was like a little push. clips. I don't know, like on a collar. Oh, so the collar was too tight? Yeah, he had just twisted it around like.

Oh, my God. It was pretty scary, but I was pretty proud of myself. And then I was kind of, I celebrated with like a double double. And I was just like, ridiculous. Hey, there you go. Look at that. Save the Goat's Life. Get yourself a hamburger. No, he got rebounds and points. Oh, there you go. All right.

Well, Jeff, thank you so much. Very compelling story and an excellent set for your first time ever. I'm a huge fan of you guys. I appreciate you guys kind of putting on the show during this pandemic because a lot of people like me look forward to it. I love it. Well, congratulations for a fan of the show. Oftentimes they come in here and they struggle with the set.

They struggle with the interview. But this was awesome. Very compelling stuff. I hope you'll come back and do it again sometime. For sure. There he goes. The great Jefferias, everybody. On to the next one.

We go. Hey. Oh, what fun. It is to ride. and a one horse. So, Ben's like, hey, all right, we're in for a special treat right now. The name that I just pulled out of the bucket is the stuff that legends are made out of. This is this guy's first appearance on the show since or during the pandemic.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been wanting it, and now you have it. This is the return of Kill Tony icon. Mikey McCurney, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. Mikey McCurman, everybody. I like to text women you up, but I do in the morning to see which ones like to sleep in. I don't like to travel because you always have to meet a rival.

They're every time. They say it doesn't cost anything to be narcissistic, but I'm pretty sure you have to pay a few selfies, and then I go boo-ha. I was hanging out with my folks during quarantine. Dad told me about how they met. My dad had a mattress store next to my mom's meat market. They humped open a sandwich shop. True story. They got married right in front of the chip stand.

They had to exchange onion rings. Had to read a lot of conspiracy theories to get out of the house today. Great to be here. I like to find people who are more freaked out than I am. You know what conspiracy theories clean their ears out with? Q-tips. I'm still doing it. I love it.

Doing it and doing it strong. Mikey McCurn. I forgot how much I missed it. The return of Mikey. And we got the trademark. This was not like going to a Pink Floyd concert and wondering if they're going to play comfortably numb. He did it and he did it throughout his set, the famous boo-ha for Mikey. I have to.

That's what the people want. You're giving them what they want. That's how you fucking sell tickets, my friend. Is that your merch? If so, that's awesome. Oh, no. Shout out to Todd Smith. This is his clothing company.

That looks like you. Super cool. I have a question for you. Sometimes I take, sometimes I get shit on the internet because people will be like, oh, come on. They were joking and you asked them about their joke. And like, of course, that's a joke. But I have to know, it was any part of that mom and dad meeting story true?

Did he really have a mattress store? Was she really at a meatball, what you say? Meat market store. That is a true story. Wow. Did they really start a sandwich shop? They sure did. Wow.

Did they really get married there? They had married right in front of the chip stand. Wow. My mind is blown and I'm so glad I asked. I could have very easily been like, no, that was a joke, Tony. And then I look like an asshole, but there is. No, I got to stop telling lies with the boo-hahs. So I had to find a real one.

That is incredible. grew up in a sandwich shop. I was actually not born yet, so. I didn't get rid of the sandwich shop once they had you? No, they had, my dad picked up my mom when she had three kids with an idiot, and they had three more kids. I just actually found out that we have a sister. They actually did not tell us that they're firstborn.

They gave up for adoption 40 years later over quarantine, 23 meetings. Well, I'm sure there's some young lady out there just taking orders at a restaurant and then going, boo ha, ha, boo. Where they are? They tell me. Where was your sister born? New Delhi. Oh, ha, ha.

There you go. So the sister just did 24 and me and found. Yeah. Wow. So have you met her yet? Yeah. She looks like me. It's weird as fuck.

Wow. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah, my parents didn't tell us for 40 years. They've been holding on that guilt. So after that happened, I was like, all right, you better tell us a truth now. Like, what else is going on out there? Where's the money buried?

Did they give you any other information? No, that's it. That's it. Just a sister. What a crazy Star Wars-like twist that is. You have a sister. So what have you been doing during the pandemic? You have a lot of energy.

You were working at Bubba Gump. What's going on now? Lame shit. I've actually, funny you bring up Star Wars. I've actually read all the novels in Star Wars canon during quarantine. Shout out to the curbside library. Wow. That's incredible.

What do you do when you're reading books? You normally laying in bed? You listen to music. Right now I'm sitting in my car with the AC on because you can't really hang out anywhere. I don't like to read a home. Right. It's pretty depressing. Yeah.

What's your home situation like? I'm actually about to move out, but I got a house, a couple guys. Okay. Why are you moving out? We got one guy leaving and then the other one was like, I don't want to be here either. And so I'm like, all right. So I'm probably going to have to go home for a minute. Where's home?

Rancho Cucamonga. Whoa. Rancho Cucamonga. That sounds like something Joel would be. That sounds like something Joel would know a lot about. What do you know about Rancho Kukamonga? Hey! Okay.

Good Lord. Really leaning on that one. Mrs. Claus. Okay. Rancho Kukamonga is what? The Alien Empire? Yeah. Anything that you miss about Rancho Kukamonga?

Just the fridge door water. You know, you get water from the fridge door? Yeah. Heck yeah. Heck yeah. Yeah, that's fancy. Yeah, that was amazing for a long. Wow, for Christmas when you're, I got a fridge door.

Little things, okay? Absolutely incredible. What a piece of art. Give it up for Mrs. Claus. There you go, yes. My sweetums. There you go. Wow.

Mikey, how about your love life? What's that been like throughout this pandemic? Nothing. Nothing at all, yeah. That surprises me. There might be somebody, but we'll see. Uh-oh. What is this?

Did you just start dating? Are you about to go on a date? Someone that you just have your eyes on, someone that you're looking at through binoculars. Gone on a couple dates, but, you know, it's during quarantine. You're just in the DMs, you know. Right. So you've gone on dates? Where have you gone on dates?

Just walked around the beach. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's, that's, because I mean, like, I'm not going to invite anybody to go to places and stuff like that. So being outside. Wow. So how does it happen something like that? Just you meet her and then you're like, hey.

You just try to be funny. Okay. You do the boo-ha's stuff. to her. She already knows about it. She actually saw me on this show. She saw you on this show. See, that's okay. This is getting more and more interesting. It's sort of something that I was half fishing for,

hoping that maybe we helped this union come together a bit. She's a fan of Kill Tony. Yeah. All right, this is a keeper, dude. This is a class act. Does she claim she's a nanny but really works at a strip club? No, I'm not that lucky. Is she a comedian?

Or she is a comedian. Whoa. Here we go. Okay. It's on now. She's been on the show. Oh, she's been on the show. Oh, my goodness.

Do you ever show her your bits? Oh, ha, ha. She's lucky. Yeah. Absolutely. You got to take it slow. You got to take it slow. Like a good Christian boy, very much.

Very interesting. I don't believe in that, but yes. Right. You worship the devil himself. Hail Sagan. You read Star Wars novels and you worship the devil. All right. Well, this has been fun, Mikey.

Anything else crazy we need to know about? Anything else happening in life? No, that's about it. Doing comedy outdoors, not online. All right. Cort, have you ever seen Mikey before? I haven't seen Mikey. I like Mikey a lot.

It's fantastic. You're funny. Solid. Rock solid, boohas, and beats, my friend. Well wishes to you. We love you, Mikey. Come back. Come back again soon.

There he goes. It's a great. Is that powerful? I like the personality. I'm dreaming. Novo-h. There you go. We're knocking out one more real quick.

Here he comes. It's Brandon Beaterstatt, everybody. Here comes Brandon. Bub. Here he is. Brandon Beaterstack. What's up? What's up?

Brandon Beaterstadt, everybody. Have you guys ever seen a red-headed guy that's losing? his hair and just been happy for him. You got to think that a balding ginger's just getting his soul back. Found out earlier this week that I'm related to Elizabeth Warren. I know what you're all thinking. How? Quarantine has been hard for me.

The love life has been bad. Every day of quarantine, I get more horny and less fuckable. I've been talking to my ex-girlfriend. She actually, I'm actually wearing a shirt right now that my ex-girlgirls. girlfriend got me. She wasn't a good fit either. My work has these signs that stay six feet away from each other or one jump rope's length. I think a better rule is I would like four jump ropes between me and anyone that uses a jump rope as a unit of measurement. And those people should be 60 jump ropes from a Chuckie cheese. Thank you very much.

Brandon Baderstadt. Join jokes. He's got jokes, folks. Welcome back, Brandon Beterstadt. Very fun stuff. Thanks. Most of them are new. Yeah, that's great. The red-headed balding, getting your soulback jokes, great.

Elizabeth Warren, great. Fun, fun, fun stuff. I've never heard of the jump rope thing before. I think my, I don't know. They printed it from the CDC, so I think it's like a thing. Where do you work? I work at a YouTube production company called FBE. Okay.

What do you do there? I'm a production coordinator. Wow. With a belly button ring. Is that correct? That's you? You're the belly button ring guy? I am the dude with a belly button ring guy.

I got to let Court McCown see this. General Bogus, you mind zooming in on this? I've got a different one. I wouldn't wear the same one two times in a row. I want to real quick shout out. The Oakland Raiders, undefeated, baby. Let's fucking go.

Wow. It's a real belly button ring. This is the Oakland Raiders dangly. Oh my God. it's an Oakland Raiders belly button ring. Yes. Oh my God, it was stuck in his belly. That happens more often than not.

Hey, fool, what's up with that? Can we zoom in any farther? Is that as good? Okay, that's as close as we can get, but that is a real Oakland Raiders. Dude, they're the tough. It is so fucking gross to look at it on that little screen. It really is.

It looks like a jewel hanging out of an asshole. Also, there's a hair on it. It looks meaty. It's disgusting. Is your underwear inside out as well? Oh, it is. Oh, it is. Without a doubt.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say the problem with your dating might start in the belly button ring. How is your love life right now? So the last time I was here, we talked about the fuck shack. That's right. How'd that go? It went well. We fucked at it. We since then have stopped talking.

We broke up recently because she wants to be a stripper actually. Right. Wait. The girl that you really liked is now getting into the stripping industry? That's what she's telling me, yeah. Wow. And you're not down with that. Is that what you're saying?

I don't want to be dating someone who's stripping currently now. Yeah, she left. It's fine. We can say whatever we want. It's okay, General Bogus. You can let them in. Everything's okay over there. You don't have to kick those people out.

These are all. You probably inspired her to strip with your belly button. Thank you. Thank you, Christmas tree. Well, that's, if she wants, she's straight up said to me, she's like, will you pay my rent or should I start stripping? And, yeah, I'm not going to pay for fucking rent. I'm like, these belly button rings aren't going to pay for themselves. What an interesting maneuver and what a weird position to put someone in.

Are you going to pay my rent or should I start stripping? I think she's bluffing. It sounds like a bluff to me. Anybody agree with me on that? I agree with that. Right. It just sounds like a straight-up block. It seems like, oh, what do you want me to be a stripper?

Pay my rent. Right. She's done some dripping. I mean, if she said, I'm going to pay my rent or I'm going to work at CVS. That's not what she said. She's like paying her run. This isn't the first time she's dipped her toe in the stripping world. So I believe her.

Well, there's no stripping right now anyway. No, and that's why she wants to be a topless maid instead. Oh, my goodness. gracious. So what type of chest does she have? Are people even going to be excited? I'd give it a B cup. B cup. So what are we talking about?

I like her tits, but no, I would not pay She better be good at cleaning. How about that? She would be a good maid. She better be a good maid. Trust me, they're not hiring topless maids right. No one's buying topless maids during this corona shit.

A topless maid? No one's spending money on that shit. You're better off getting a job as a A topless B-Cup made is like a boot. No voice, no glasses, no lisp, no accent. What's going on back there, Mrs. Claus? I'm starting to think I married a man. All right. So Brandon, how long ago did she tell you that she's going to be a topless maid?

This was two weeks ago. Have you followed up with her since then? she has since told me that she's looked at other jobs, but I kind of thought it was like a convenient, like, breaking point. So she was bluffing? I'm telling you that if stripping was a thing right now, no, she's not fucking bluffing. We're all right that she's not going to strip when there's no. 25.

25, just going to jump right into the stripping business. Like I'm saying, she's kind of been doing it. Like before quarantine started. What do you mean she's kind of been in? She works at, she calls it karaoke. Uh-huh. What does she do at karaoke?

Carry on. She, she, Thank you, thank you, Santa Claus. Yeah, what's, uh, karaoke's karaoke thing? I'm under the impression that she's wearing provocative outfits and semi lap dancing.

But like, it's a different setup where you and your buddies, like, sit in a private karaoke room. Oh, Oh, she's a stripper. No, no, no. What do they call it? They call it a, they have a name for that.

A taxi? I came here just to talk to you about this. Yeah, it's like a taxi dance. Like, call them like taxi dancers or whatever. Yeah. She lipsings, but with her vagina. We call that. Carry on my way, we're done.

It's a beater stat. What was the, what was the sex like with this girl? It's pretty good. She got one of those copper IUDs, and it has led to, like, the smelliest sex. Oh, right. I got one of those for Christmas one year. Give it up a Mrs. Claus. Oh, my God.

I don't blame her. Like I'm saying, before the copper IUD, it smells like a normal. What exactly does it smell, like, just like bad vagina? Yeah, have you heard of vagiosis? It's a doctor's fucking term for. horrible smelling. Right. Are you sure she's just got some,

doesn't have some cum left in there from some other guy? Okay. There you go. She was very honest. That's how it works, Red Van. No, seriously.

I know like a girl that she was just a fucking slut and she always had the stinkiest pussy because she had, you know, fucked another guy previous that day. And you get some old cum in there. It's just like salmon, like a piece of salmon's been left in the car. These are the girls that you're hooking up with.

There are girls that have fucked another guy. Scientifically, if another man comes inside of another woman and there's leftover remnants, then it will be smelly like the salmon of a southern river. Red band strikes again famously. Oh my God.

How many times do you think you had sex with this girl after she had sex with other guys? Actually, that was the thing that ended it because it was just disgusting. Let's just say, every time I put my penis inside her, it was very squeaky. Oh, God.

No, that's the thing. It's the same thing with me. The stripping kind of sucks, the smelly vagina. I was looking for a way out. Why is it made of copper? Are they all copper? Copper kills sperm on contact.

Yeah, it's kind of like germs. You know, like where if you have those things that open their doors so you don't get, you know what I mean? Like the copper rings or whatever the fuck are called. All right. Yes, I've used pennies. He says contraception before.

There you go. All right. Well, Brandon Beter set, we always learned so much about science and stuff when you're on the show. And, you know, I always say, out of all the male comedians with the belly button ring, you are without a doubt, one of the top 20 or 30. No, fun times.

Really great jokes tonight. How long have you been doing stand up again? I'm at two and a half years. And, I mean, really, really good. Really great premises, especially. Jokes, great. I mean, you're doing it, man. Congratulations.

Writing during this pandemic isn't easy and you're doing it. Brandon B comedy. Thanks, guys. Found the clock. Hey. Excitingly, that is the end of the music portion of the show. Yeah. It's time now for your final comedian of the night.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, an absolute God, an absolute legend. Truly, truly, one of my favorite. favorite human beings on the planet, a guy that I love, a guy that I look up to, a guy that I love working with. It's the great Michael Laird. Here he is. Everybody, come on, make some noise for Michael Lair. He's here. He's live. I don't want your noise. I don't want your noise. Tony, you disrespecting me by bringing corn on. What is this? The Silver Fox competition? All right.

All right. So it's been said that maybe I've an anger problem and I wanted to look into it. And I looked into it. And it's not because of my disease. And it's not because of my personal or professional. life, I discovered by looking inside myself that my anger comes from one source by customer service. And so to deal with that, I decided I will no longer get mad.

I will get even and pay in change. Oh shit. Man, you ready? We've been handed scripts and here we go. You guys ready to rock this the fuck? I... Thelman licks and his fingers.

Are you good, Santa? All right. Five, six, seven, that pay and change. Nichols, Dad, Spinney's no quarters allowed. Pay and change. Pay and change. Croma.

Rude to me. Rude to you. Rude to me, rude to you. I hope you brought your calculator. Paying. Chains. You want my two cents?

Here's 92 cents. Phavene. I hear don't lie. Here comes the heavy medal. Pains and change. Coins got you stuck like you screwed McDuck. Pagnes. Pins.

Pennies from heaven. More like hell. Pains change. Drop dime on your ass. Drop nickels on your two. Payton change. Three coins and fountain A roll of times up your ass

Pay in change I hope you miss your bus Because your count and might Change How long is this thing And why don't we get any fun lines Pay and change Oh is there a line for it? I feel some

Dots forming Paying Well now he's just rhyming Forming with forming Pay it change A dollar fee, a second you wheat. Pay and change. You ain't friendly.

Here's a wee penny. Paying change. I like smoking nurses better. Pay and change. Pay and change. K Paso, 100 pesos. Pay and change. Shouldn't that have been Joel's line?

Pay and change. Coins are minted in 1792 Now I'm here 1792 coins for you Pay in change Even the one about Helen Keller was better than this Pay the vice president because here's some pens Pay in change Wow in a script about change

There's a Pence reference before an Obama reference Pay in change Copper is the color of your energy and here's 311 pennies. It's written in the script that I don't like the script, but truly I hate this. Call me Obama, because I want change. There it is.

Pensions. Seriously, this is about three pages too long, Michael. Are you a cop because you got a piggy bank? Okay. All right. Pantry. 9-11 conspiracy documentary Luce J.

Hey, change. Everyone puts their fists in the air. No, I think that's a stage direction. Well, I'm not doing it. Wow, absolutely. Picky, pretty fresh. Half of that was the Christmas tree. She wrote it with me.

Wow, incredible writing. clearly a lot of work put into it. That was a lot of pages. This is the thickest script we've ever been there. Yeah, I know that I was supposed to act like I didn't like it, but I really did not like that at all. Yeah. Ironic that Jetsky helped because I'm pretty sure

it took an entire tree to print up all the pages. That's where my legs were gone. It's where my legs were stuck. I thought you looked shorter. So funny. Oh, man. Michael, incredible stuff. Thank you.

Another very fun production that you put on. I love that you're taking advantage of the wide parameters that you are afforded in your position. Don't down. I mean, it's, I'm in the playground, you know? Absolutely. I'm loving every minute of it. You're goddamn right. What's up with court?

One looks like Barber Strachson's ex-husband. Which ex-husband? I don't know everyone. But, too, what are you, 85 and look 30? I mean, you're talking about doing bumps in the 70s? I mean, how fucking old are you? I remember you, like 74. We were gacking out somewhere in El Reno, Oklahoma, fucking having a good time.

I thought I ain't enough gag and I took too much gag and I OD the Gack. That's it. Gackety Gack, can't go back. Gaggity Gack. So what else has been going on, Michael Lair? Well, I have some observations about tonight. Okay. The strip club stuff's interesting,

because Brian and I are very similar, almost in a Stephen King way. Like, we looked like each other through different years. I've been to hundreds of strict clubs in over 30 states and we're both the oldest besides court who made a deal with the devil or something. But in 2008, going to strict clubs was different than 2005,

different than two years ago. And then you learned, recently what the strip clubs are different and you have your favorites around the country I was real fixing I knew Texas all the way What are some of your favorites that you've been to off the top of your name? Sam Toprown, East LA

No doubt East Chicago, Indiana Industrial Strip you go in there and a very kind Indian gentleman. And let me preface this by saying, I'm from Chicago. And before the financial collapse of 2008,

you go to Chicago, and it was like some daily, like, hardcore shit. At a strict club would be $100 for an air dance and a $10 Budweiser and you go 30 minutes to Indiana and the nicest grandpa ever would greet you on the door and he'd be like

oh what we have here are friction it's like dry humming I gotta tell you my favorite strip club story real quick me and Rogan we're at the strip club in I think Atlanta and this really hot stripper

was talking to me. This is what? Like 15 years ago? No, it was like 10 years ago. Pink pony? And she was like massaging me and I thought she liked me one of those things.

And then she went away in this old woman that worked there. I think she was like the manager was standing next to me and she was wasted and she starts tapping me and she's like playing with my hair

or something. I thought it was the other stripper. And so I just kind of like she like leans her head into it. I thought she's going to kiss me so I was like all right fine I'll kiss that girl I start making out with her and I hear Rogan and Eddie Bravo like crying laughing and they're taking photos of me I'm like what the fuck they're they're they're killing it for me and I open my eyes and it was this old woman probably

like 82 years old that I was making out with and Joe has a video of it somewhere it's a pretty disgusting and then you found out she had old commenter pussy you started going down I mean started just you didn't smell the copper Tony, I had a race story this week. A race? Did you say race story? Yeah, race, race relations. Race relations are a big deal right now in America. I'm glad that you're talking about it.

Thank you. Things are very tense right now. It's true. And I have opinions and we all do and we find that they sometimes conflict. and it's a very intense hard time. And I was outside my apartment last night, and I was wheeling up to the ramp. And I saw 10 young African-American men

and one woman standing at the front door of my apartment, looking in the door, directory to be letting in. 10 black men, one white woman at the front of your building. Yes. Now it's very clear they don't live. I mean, that's clear. And I actually during quarantine,

told this story about another happening were one man. And I did not mention that it was happening. and American. And he was, and he said, can you let me in that? I said, no. And he said, pussy and word. And I said, I'm doing my duty to the residents.

And there was racial tension. Because he was black. He was black. Right. And it was guttural, and it was there, and you don't want it. And so last night, 10 black men and one black woman. Oh, it's a black woman or a white woman? Black woman.

Oh, okay. Ten black men. Okay. No smile. Emcing light. Rough neck. I'm leaning in the morning, so I got to have a rough neck. All right.

They have not a smile in the room. And I'm hanging back because I don't know. know how to deal with this situation right now. Because they're obviously trying to get let in, and I can roll up and let myself in and go, none of you can come in. And that feels weird, but of course that's what it should do. So I roll up the ramp in the middle of them,

and I go, guess who? letting you all in. And I open the door. And they don't know what to make of me like no one does, right? And I opened the door on my app and I go,

and I'm opening the door, someone's got to hold it for me. And I let them in. And they're still mean mugging and not breaking. They don't know what to make for They definitely don't live there. They're splitting up.

They're splitting up. And then, and then, I zoom away and I hear one of the gentlemen go, I hear him go, do you know where the elevator is? And I turn back to my line, and I go, you know I ain't going to the stairs, and they all started laughing.

And empty light when a meat mug she smiled and I saw the princess that she was. Still, none of those people live in my face. In fact, having them waiting in the number, lobby while have one in the elevator. But I know

I made a difference. Hopefully no one got robbed or worse. But I don't think so. I think it was a plague house party. There you go.

And you know what? Nope. when they see a guy like me again maybe they won't be so tense and maybe I'll shit the fuck out and maybe we can figure out this ugly shit because it ain't gonna happen anyway

but being fucking human. That's beautiful. Right on brother. That's beautiful. And it turns out, you know what? I actually know how this story ends. it turns out they were there to help a white family. They were helping them move. I saw them leaving.

I was actually in front of your place. I saw that group of 10 black guys walking out with television sets and things like that and stereo equipment. Yeah. I think they were just helping the white family move. A lot of disability equipment, you know, real chairs and whatnot. Michael Lair, I love you more than I love life itself. You are the best. Michael Lairacomedy.com.

Michael Lairer Comedy on everything. He's doing things looking good. Young Buck, Michael Laird. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt tonight. That's another episode of Kill Tony with zero audience here. Look at that. What an incredible fucking drawing. Unbelievable artist.

Everybody's there. I'm there. Special Christmas edition. I'm a jack in the box on this one. The great Cort McHound looking studly, as always. A very accurate portrayal of him. and the band is a very Christmassy Christmas characters. I love the style on this one.

Very fun, very cinematic, adventurous. Ryan G.Evel.com for every single print. Make sure you check that one out. And every print that's ever happened in the history of the show. Guys, how about a hand for the great Court McCown joining us tonight? Courts on social media at Court McCown. That's C-O-T-M-C-O-W-N. Correct.

Yeah. All right. Yeah, there you go. And what else is going on court? Tell us more. Anything else? Not a whole lot going on right now. COVID's still keeping me indoors.

So we'll see. We'll get the golf game. But my God, this fucking guy drives the ball. What did you say your farthest drive was, even with the wind behind you that one time? We did 367 one day. 367. Wow. I hit one 260 today.

I was very excited about it. Very good. I won. I hit one 260 today. You're going to get there. You'll get there. How about a hand for the leader of the band, the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Yes, there's the Venmo.

Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. He's been a very good boy this year. Why don't you tell these people about the creative stuff that you've been doing, the work that you've been doing instead of the Venmo? Jeremiah Wonders. Doing a lot of fun episodes on there. Did an episode with Josh Outa Myers, Eric Griffin, called The Store Sessions, and then there's an episode of Dan Soder of Jeremiah Wonders

and some other great ones coming your way and eating breakfast with Jeremiah. Maya, your favorite new show on YouTube, Tony? It is. I just can't get enough of it. I just watch it and eat breakfast right alongside you. William Montgomery, recent guests on the show. Maybe Tony, who knows? Yeah, no.

Jetsky Johnson, everybody, was here. She's making unbelievable ornaments, using her creativity and work ethic to make things for you with her hands, the fans. I bought five of them total already. Jetskyjohnson.com. She makes them all summer glass, some are plastic,

you get to decide. She's an absolute stone cold assassin. I love her to death. What else, Jetsky? Yeah, check on my website. Jetskyjohnson.com. Like, I mean, by the way, if we were all video game characters,

you know how like some people have this and some people are agile or strong or this and that, like if we were video game characters on this show, my prediction would be that Jetsky would have the highest level perhaps of likeability, right? That would be an extremely strong suit.

But you as a Christmas tree with green paint on your face, it's incredible. This is like the most likable thing I've ever seen in my life. It's incredible. Jetskyjohnson.com. How about another hand for Jetsky, everybody? I know you're not going to believe this. I found it to be shocking myself. I just got this report.

I just read it. But the entire time I thought it was Mrs. Claus. It was actually Joel Jolberg-Jol Jimenez. What an acting job. I mean, incredible. Incredible acting chops. That's Joelberg. What's going on, Joel?

You know, happy to be here. We just did some recording with Jeremiah, so that'll come out soon. That was really fun. I'm happy to see Mikey McCurnan. I've known him for like eight years now. It's great to see him. He's mostly sorry.

What else, Joel? That's right. Don't buy your kids a fucking word processor for Christmas. That's it. I love you guys. The mostly sorry podcast available everywhere. The great Chroma Chris. master musician

bat at a thousand tonight Kroma what do you think about tonight's episode we really slayed it tonight Tony oh you son of a bitch you did it again he with a walk off slated joke red band what else is going check out that's squad dot TV

become a Patreon member for the brothers and cursive David Lucas and William Montgomery's podcast and check out Dead Air with Brian Holtsman that squad dot TV that's right and I have a Patreon too roast masterclass and boy, are we knocking out episodes like crazy?

I just did one with a writing guru. Connor McSpadden. This guy is from the future. You might not even know about him yet, but you are going to. This kid could make fun of a fucking brick and destroy. He is unbelievably talented. And I'm excited about what's going on over there.

That's patreon.com slash hingecliff. And we have a lot of exciting stuff. I think you're going to look back at this moment a week after this episode comes out and be very surprised at what happens with the state of kill Tony from here. So we will talk to you soon. Good night, everybody.