KILL TONY - KILL TONY #477

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

Kim Congdon, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 10/19/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, death squad. TV. That's the official website of the Death Squad universe. There you can find every episode of Kill Tony, including past video portions of the show. Go to Death Squad.tv. And ShopSquod. TV is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, and it has the official Kill Tony shirt, and we're about to release a new one.

So visit ShopSquod. TV today. And last but not least, Tony has his own website. Go to tonyhencliff.com to find out everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode

of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rayben. Come to you live from the real famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe.

Hey, here we go again. Pretty much an empty room. Sounds good, though. Sounds great. Feels awesome. just 480 people short. But you know what? We're going to get through it.

How are you, Red Band? I am good, man. Good weekend. There you go. Me too. I'm with you on that. A lot of golfy poos. A lot of golfy poos.

That's it. That's good. Cut my score by another, I don't know, five strokes. You know what I mean? I'm just advancing. I'm just basically advancing like most golfers do in a year every week. But no big deal. You know what I mean?

I'm just, some of us are winners and some of us aren't. I'm excited to be here again, live from the world famous comedy store in a quarantined main room. Hey, look at this. Do you see this, General Bogus? It's the great Ryan J. E. Belt right here. Whoa. Look at that guy. Come on.

He draws every single episode. Every print of every episode of the show is available at Ryan J.E.Belt.com, including all the tour posters, everything. All the amazing art. And look at that new Hinchcliffs in Notes shirt that I am obsessed with. That's funny. Um, in homage. Here, lean towards that, uh, cheat towards that camera. Show them here a little.

Whoa. Whoa. Look at that. Bion, I, that's great. I have a boner for that. Sure. Pilot episode of Kill Tony.

That's right. I'm sure the diehards. And there's some other, uh, cool kill Tony things over available at Ryanjeebill. com. Make sure you check them out. Vito's pizza is what we ate before this episode, as with all episodes. And you want to hear a crazy confession? Uh-oh.

You know, I've been talking about the Ziti. I've been talking about the calzone. I've been taking it to parties. Today, I was hungry, and I needed something on the fly. I had to go somewhere. I had to make a meeting, and I was hungry. We know what I did, even though I knew we were going to have pizza before this show. Wouldn't grab a fucking slice at Vito's pizza on Las Sienega.

Is that all you eat now is pasta and pizza? That's all I've really ever eaten. But, you know what I mean? A lot of steak, a lot of rib-eyes. And when I'm not eating straight food... fucking man meat right down my fucking gullet. I go to Vito's Pizza on La Cianaga

right by Santa Monica. You can catch me over there. The great Gino is here, everybody, from Speedweed, Betterbox Studios. Kept us afloat during the incredible pandemic and riots here in Los Angeles. And yeah,

Rick Kosick is here. Fucking pictures. This is very exciting. And Caveman Coffee. You can go to caveman coffee. dot com and use the promo code Kill Tony and save 15%. And, you know, I love that stuff. Our refrigerators are full of it.

Thank God it gets me through everything. And here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that are bringing you tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all. I'm going to tell you right now, I have been smelling like a goddamn angel. Thanks to the amazing products that I got from Hawthorne. I took a quiz that is on their website and some of the questions that, you know, they ask you what kind of sense you're into

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Here are. There's about, there's got to be at least 12 people in this room built for 500, and nothing is more exciting than the current form of the show. We're getting through it. We've been having a lot of fun, and we've been doing it with guests, and we have another guest here tonight. This is a very, very exciting one, a very special one. This young lady made her debut. you in stand-up comedy on this show and is one of the first ever regulars in the history of the show, literally, one of the OG regulars. She went on, she continues to have an incredible career. Her debut special came out last year, and she's here right now. Ladies and gentlemen, longtime fans of the show, you're in for a special treat because our guest tonight is none other than the great Kim Kongden, everybody. Here we go.

the return of Kim Congdon back from New York City Whoa, what's up you guys? Hello. Hey. Welcome back. Thank you. Welcome, welcome.

Wow, it feels weird being over here. Yeah. I've done Kiltone before, but never back at the comedy store. Really? Yeah. When I did it in New York. We did it in Nyack. Oh.

West Nyack. Oh, that's right. I do remember that. Yeah. With Lewis. We all smoked a lot before. I remember being extremely high. I remember the great room.

Lewis gave me a bloody nose that night at Dave and Busters by accident because we were like wrestling and we were hammered. And then the security guy tried to break it up like it was a real fight. Damn. Sweet Lewis. Some of the band was there for Nyack, right? Jeremiah and Joel. Right?

Yeah. Oh, I thought you were asking them and they were coming out. I was like, oh yeah, there they come. So then you do remember that there is a band and there is a band. tonight, ladies and gentlemen, every single episode they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. They've been in the back green room, getting prepared. We're all going to find out at the same time.

They usually stay in character throughout the entire episode. Sometimes Joel has a little bit of trouble with that, and we all laugh about it. And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the best damn band in the land. We're missing Jetsky tonight, but you have Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Jimenez, and Kromach. Chris. Here we go. Oh, wow. They're construction, guys.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow. Wow, this is very exciting. This is very exciting. Wow, looking good, Joel. Oh, my goodness. There's a, what appears to be a construction woman as well. Hello, construction lady.

Oh, Pete. My name is Bowling Pete. My wife always packed me in a business. baloney sandwich for lunch. Baloney Pete. How could I forget that? Welcome back to the show. Baloney Pete.

You excited to be back? Baloney. Is it okay if I call you baloney? Oh, whatever you like, man. Yeah, that's fine. Okay. Chroma Chris is here. How are you?

What's your name? Hey, good, Tony. Name's Jack. Jack Hammer? Jack Hanna. Jack Hammer? Jack Hammer? Yeah, with an A.

Jack Hammer. All right, that's cool. And clearly back here we have what appears to be a Lego man construction worker. What's your name, sir? My name is Robert the builder. Robert the builder. I actually saw Jack Hanna in the back, and I didn't know what was going on, and he really scared me.

It looked just like someone doing construction in the back that wasn't supposed to be there. And I was like, what are you doing here? And he was like, you didn't see me, and I wasn't here. I think he was trying to tell me about this show, but I thought I was going to be raped. Jack Hammond, not to be confused with, someone that Brian I grew up with, the Columbus Zoo,

Jack Hanna. Yeah, my old camp counselor. The better Stephen Irwin? Yeah, the goddamn American Stephen Irwin, the goddamn Patriots Stephen Irwin, the red, white, and blue, the still alive Stephen Irwin. Didn't die from a fish. Yeah, I didn't get killed by a fucking stingray.

Oh, my dad. Oh, oh, took a sting ray to the chest, mate. I'm going to leave my children for the least children. Who dies from something that stings? Yeah, exactly. McCauley Culkin. In My Girl, yes. He actually got me on that one.

There you go. Good job, Robert the Builder. All right. So we have all that. We have the construction workers. We have Kim Kongden. We have the soundboard. Oh, my goodness.

How could we forget? very special announcement. I know you're looking over there thinking, I don't even know who Bologna Pete is. I don't know who's playing that character. It seems like it could be anybody. Maybe Matthew McConaughey, maybe Brad Pitt. But it's actually, believe it or not,

Jeremiah Watkins and Jeremiah has his debut special coming out in just a few months, and you can pre-order it right now at Jeremiah Watkins.com. This is the official announcement. of that. It's happening right now. This is that announcement. Go to Jeremiah Watkins.com, pre-order the special. It's going to come out in December, so you have some time.

What's it called, Tony? It's called Family Values. Family Reunion, I got it. I finally found it right then at the very last second. I never asked to do this, and I appreciate the respect. Oh, thank you. Baloney Pete. Go to Jeremiah Wachens.

Hawkins.com family reunion comes out in December. It's one hour. Pre-order it now. If you're a real kill-tony fan, you'll pre-order it now. And by now, I mean, set a reminder in your phone and keep listening to this episode. But then pre-order it after the episode. Oh, shit. Bologna P. did not like that I said, don't do it right now.

Set a reminder. It made me toss my lunch, you know. Hey. Okay. So we're going to get on with the show. We have a bucket as with all these usual quarantine episodes. Pre-selected five comedians. It's a big wild bucket today.

People came from all over the world. Some people came from different states. Some people came from different countries. Very exciting surprises in store inside this bucket. But before we get to that bucket, why not start the show with a goddamn regular? This young man, I believe, is the longest tenured regular in the history of the show, which is very exciting. Because this is Kim Kongdon, one of the first regulars in the history of the show. And now look, now she's one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

You had your debut special come out on, what was it? I did a HBO Latino special. HBO Latino. I've been auditioning to get a one-hour HBO Latino special for 13 years, and they will just not have me. They say, no se a cabron, every time I try. Which means don't be an asshole, I do believe. Is that right?

Yeah. Okay. You got it. I think. I don't know. I didn't really. She's not that kind of Mexican. Is that right, Joel?

It's there. It's close enough. It's like kitchen in Spanish. You're good. That's exactly where I was told that. My name is Robert. I auditioned in a kitchen every time. How do you say kitchen in Spanish?

Cuccina. Cucina. Cucina. Cucina. That's Italian. A Cucine. That is the thing is I took Italian in high school, and those two things have nasty crossovers.

Miss McVicker, one of my least favorite teachers. Nasty your crossover than Ellen I ever said. Never learn Italian from an angry Irish woman. I promise you. It just doesn't work. Speaking of crazy, wild Irish things, ladies and gentlemen, this is the regular that gets the party started here.

Always an extremely fun performance. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is the Big Red Machine, the great William Montgomery. An uninterrupted 60 seconds from audience favorite, William Montgomery. Whatever happened to the hooker from Fraggle Rock. I used to be the town's chief meteorologist, but then they fired me for saying stuff like 65% chance of rain if you don't convert to Christianity.

I messed that up a little bit. Memphis is known for their barbecue, lots of barbecue places. My mom asked me if I wanted to try this new Korean barbecue place, and I told her I prefer Gangdom style. This is a good one. I thought Taco Bell had a bell on the roof, and you just need to be a little. needed a password to get to the top of the tower. That is actually not the case.

That's a bad one. My first beach vacation was to Long John Silver's. I was thinking that set was going to go much better. Oh, God. I loved it. I thought it was great. I bought a hand for William Montgomery, everybody. Jesus.

Hi, William. Welcome. How are you? I loved it. I thought it was great. Thank you. Yeah, I actually thought it was really good. I love the part where you said this is a good one

and then afterwards it didn't go well and you said it was a bad one. That was amazing and I'm sure that's going to hit hard with the people at home. Very William Montgomery like set. Very quick, fiery jokes with the punchlines and references

are very very niche, niche, niche, niche, niche. Cochina. What's wrong with me today? Cucina, Coochina, niche, niche. Nietzsche is a philosopher. Tony, Kish. Can you see the spot on my butt?

There's a spot on your butt? Does it look wet? Why? What happened? I've just been sweating a bunch. I don't know what I think about these cotton shorts. Oh, you're trying out some of the new shorts. I am.

William was wearing the same pair of shorts for years, Kim, and we asked the listeners at home to send him some shorts, and they sent about 45 pairs of shorts in the past two weeks. And you got those wet? The new ones? I did. It's for my butt. I was sweating.

You got a nervous butt. When was the last time you got the front wet? You know what I'm saying? A front butt? Is that a... No, the front butt. When was the last time you got your D-Wat? I was one-mentioned.

I actually was at my place earlier. I took some Adderall, and I masturbated four times. So it was earlier. Does the Adderall make you masturbate faster, more, the same amount? How does the Adderall change your normal masturbating habits? It's just become more annoying when you're masturbating. I don't know. hard to say. I was in the zone earlier

though. He comes in numbers. Well, I got good news for you, William. Mr. Wet Shorts. What's that? Do we have some war? There's a new pair of shorts. 38 regular asphalt gray. Love it. You can go try those bad boys on and we're going to, we'll see what they look like

later. Let me ask you one question. You said that you messed up your meteorology joke that had to do with Christianity. I just feel like I stumbled over my words. You want to try it one more time? Yeah, let me try it again. Here we go. And action.

All right, hold, cut. Let's take it from the top. And action. Action. Wait, no, you know what? Let's do this. Zach, get on that camera and slowly zoom in on his face when he starts this. And you try to deliver it to that camera as much as you can.

Go ahead. And action. I used to be the town's chief meteorologist, but then they fired me for saying stuff like there's going to be a 65% chance of rain if you don't convert to Christianity. Wow, you really had to read that straight off the card for most of that. You don't have that memorized at all. I've been reading these cards for months now. Wow.

My memory's shot. I don't know what it is. My memory shot. Have you been drinking again? No. Oh, my God. Actually, my Florida Gators, as this is a Florida Gator's hat, we'd be. I knew it.

Kim Congdon's also a Florida Gator. Are you really? Yeah, I recognized. Did you watch the game on Saturday? No. We looked good. The defense looked bad, but offense looked good. But I basically, I drink all day Saturday.

I never got drunk, but I was sort of drinking all day. Oh, that's good. That's good to know that you're... You're a Florida Gator. That's why you have swamp ass. It could be. It is hot in here right now. Well, you can go drain the swamp in your news.

New asphalt gray 38 regular shorts. It's really not hot in here either. You're wearing shorts in a t-shirt. Yeah, I don't know. I've been hot all day. Alcohol and Adderall withdrawals he's going through right now. It's funny because it's true. Yeah.

Which Fraggle Rock is the hooker, by the way. There's not a hooker on Fraggle Rock. Are you looking for like, you think all of his jokes? Does she have an only fans? It's one of the first episode she's on it. That was good. That was. William, anything else crazy happening in your life this week?

Not really. I've been cooking on the crock pot a bunch. Oh, that's great. There's nothing I love more than fresh-cooked crock-pot food from someone that sweats profusely. What have you made? Porridge? Like, what kind of thing are you? Porridge.

Yeah. What are you making? What's porridge? Something you're making a crock pot? No, I've been making chicken dishes. What kind of chicken dishes? Puzzole. Yeah?

How do you make that? Can you give people, let's do a little segment, let's do a little brand new segment that we've never done on this show where you take us through the recipe for how you cook. Chicken Pazola. Here it is. In the kitchen with William Montgomery. Here it goes. Here's the music for the kitchen. Okay, y'all. You're going to want four boneless, skinless chicken breast. You're going to want two cans of, what am I looking at? You're going to want two cans of diced tomatoes. You're going to want a big, big old can of Pazole. You're going to want salt. You're going to want pepper. You're going to want to mix all that stuff up in the crock pot. You're going to want to put it on high.

You're going to want to check it after eight hours. You're going to want to get the chicken breasts out of there. You're going to want to shred it. You're going to leave it in there for 30 more minutes. And man, it is delicious. It is to die for. It probably is to die for it because it sounds like you're going to have salmonella after that. Eight hours cooking it?

I mean, what? On high? Eight hours? Is it dry? No, it's in liquid. What kind of liquid? Oh, yeah. I miss that.

Oh, here we go. You're going to want, I would say, five or six cups of, Chicken stock. Oh, five or six pounds of chicken stock? Cups. Oh, cups of chicken stock. Oh, and also, Tony, I got booked for my first headlining gag. You got bugged for it?

Booked. Booked for it. It happened a couple weeks ago. How was it? It happened a couple days. Oh, right, a couple weeks ago. It's in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. Really?

No, I'm kidding. It's in Eureka, California. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm excited. I have only ever done 45 minutes once. I have probably 10 minutes. Wow. So I don't know how I'm going to con these people.

Are you just going to go with all these index cards? Are you going to put them in a book? Are you going to have a teleprong? I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm starting to get nervous. That's like a nine hour drive. Are you going to drive there? Are you going to pay $39 for a flight?

If I know anything about William, he'll take the worst possible mode of transportation that makes zero sense. He'll put himself in a very weird position. I'm driving. I hung on to the bottom of a truck. He looks like he rides passenger on those motorcycle. cycles with the things on the side. Yeah, sidecar Willie.

That's what we call them sometimes. Old sidecar Montgomery. Really excited. Again, I don't, I hope these people aren't watching. Can somebody shut the fuck up? What'd you have for breakfast today, William? Seriously, can somebody shut the fuck up? William, what'd you have for breakfast today?

Pizzoli? Yeah, you had more Pizole? Yeah, we eat that shit almost every day. I think he's trying to say pizza. No, I think I'm trying to say Pizole. Oh, shit. I don't think Kim knows. What the fuck are you talking about?

William gets really angry, really. Yeah, I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? That's the Adderall. Come on. When you say add a can of Pizzoli, like, what does that even look like? It's corn. He means hominy. Harmony, yeah.

Wait, is Puzzole corn, me? Is Puzzole corn? Yes, the hominy is great. I like my hominy with bone thugs and homony. I love them. Homony, hominy, hominy, hominy, opity, opity, opity, okay, there he goes. William Montgomery, William, go try on those shorts for us, will you?

There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. Not to be confused with the great author, Greg Pazoli. So Pazoli's like a pizza? It looks like a stuffed pizza. No, if you look up a chicken, I believe it's a... P-O-Z-O-L-E and it's pronounced Posolet for all you fucking gringoes out there. There's like three Mexicans in here that were pissed off when he was giving the direction.

Hey, what happened to Robert the builder? He's right here, you fucking idiot. All right. Back to the bucket we go for the first time. Yeah, there it is. So it's kind of like, what's that chicken where you pound it like with the sauce? Yeah, it's like... Gigamooseol.

It's like parmesan. No, it's basically chicken parmesan. chicken soup. Chicken rigatoni? Chicken rigatoni. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Bologna Pete. With a name like Bologna Pee, you should know your Italian foods, right? I don't know. I don't know. What ethnicity are you, Bologna, Pete? I don't know. You don't even know?

I don't know. You have a family tree before? Yeah. Yeah, well, you? I'm Italian. You sound Italian. You sound a lot like Rocky Balboa. Oh, I don't know.

What do you mean? You don't know. I don't know. I've never heard that before, don't you? Say the word Adrian. Okay, come on. It's a little fishy to me. You've never seen the movie Rocky?

No. Have you ever seen the movie Scream? Yeah. Yeah, you look like that. Okay, come on. Jesus, baloney, Pete. You must have listened to the 15 episodes of Kill Tony where that joke's been made in the past.

Yeah, I'm a bit. big fan of this show. But you've never seen Rocky? No! Okay. Why do I do that? All right. I pulling a name out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for your first bucket pool of the night. It's Amy Freeze, everybody. Here we go.

Amy Freeze. 60 seconds from Amy Freeze. And here we go. Here's Amy. Amy Freeze. So, first of all, yes. It's me. You know, the girl who

I'm getting kind of recognized now because I kissed a guy on this stage eight months ago, but it's really no biggie though. No, it's amazing to be here. I'm so excited. This is seriously a dream come true. Yeah, and I'm so glad that I listen to my parents. They always told me to do whatever it takes to get to the top. Yeah, so I'm from Sacramento.

My mom is from the Midwest, but she thinks she's this L.A. legend. And she's always saying, I sound nothing like a Midwesterner. Okay. If you sound nothing like a Midwesterner, then I don't have the hair of a 14-year-old Jewish boy. Thank you. That sucked. But, all right. There you go.

A minute from Amy Freeze. Got a joke in there at the end. It started a bit slow. It took you 20 seconds to acknowledge that you've been on the show before you kissed a boy on the show. It's my claim to fame. In our famous old segment called First Kiss, or Kiss Me, which is done. It's officially a part of Kill Tony, which is over forever, which if someone hadn't kissed someone in the city that we're in. We have two people zoom each other.

Yeah, they're going to zoom me on the internet. Okay, Amy Freeze. So welcome to the show. Thank you. It's been eight months since you were on this show. after that kiss, I remember very clearly. I actually remember this, that I pulled your name out of the bucket

and you were not in the room. And you missed your spot. You had eight months to prepare for that. And I crushed it so hard. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? For a year. For a year.

How long you've been married to Tim Burton? You think she looks like Helena Bonham Carter? The hairstyle for sure. That was a great joke. Robert. Amy, you did that all that entire year in Los Angeles? Yes, sir.

How long have you lived here? I've lived here for about five years. What made you start stand up a year ago? I've always loved to perform. What type of performing have you done in the place? Yeah, how many one woman plays have you been? You had the beats of a lady who does one woman plays. You're like, eight months ago.

Was the first time I kissed a boy. What type of performing have you done in the past? I didn't crush that. I've done dancing and I've been in plays, like acting. Oh. Yeah. Not that kind of dancing. Like you like per-like what type of dancing have you done?

Like my favorite is dance hall. It's a Jamaican type of dance. And I like hip-hop. I like jazz. I like ballet. Like with that type of beat right there? That's not great. Yeah, that sounds.

These guys don't know dance. This is the music from the waiting room. Hell, for those of you wondering. Okay. Okay, everybody stopped. This is the part where you realize I suck so hard that now I have to dance to provide entertainment. Well, you did suck really badly. But I am not going to make you dance.

Sacramento and the Midwest. What part of the Midwest is your mother from? My mom's from Ohio. What part of Ohio? But she's from Cincinnati. But she thinks she's such an L.A. like legend. She thinks she's such a fashionista. girl, even though she sounds like,

don't you know? Like, she's pretty... She sounds like that. She says like, girls, get outside, the Ubers here. And she'll be like, that's not an Ohio thing. Yeah, it is!

That's a mom from Bobby's World. What are you doing? Oh, Bobby's World reference. Yeah, I do watch that. It's very bizarre that you've seen Bobby's World and not Rock. Yeah, I love Bobby's World. We love Howie Mandel.

Okay. Where are your mother's parents from? One of them from Minnesota or Canada or something like that? No, my grandma's from Ohio. Maybe my mom just makes up her own language. She's always claiming that she doesn't say things that she actually said. What does she do for a living? She's an interior designer.

She used to be in fashion and now she does interior design. How about you? What do you do for work? I am a server, crushing it. Where at? Used to be at the proper and I'm currently unemployed. so if anyone wants to hire me for serving drinks and food I'm down for getting up horses in West Hollywood I just moved out here to West Hollywood

okay guys I think I think eight of those is probably good enough to get the to get the thing across that she made that one noise that one time probably good that's good that's good so Amy tell us something else interesting about you or one thing interesting about you I should I'm also a yoga teacher. Oh. So I love yoga. You do?

Doing it every day. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right. I like that. You definitely stretched out one joke into a minute. That's for sure. I have such good material, man.

Do you do some. I was trying to make like a dramatic entrance, you know. Do something. I was trying to come up and be like, you know, like. Amy, shut the fuck up for a second. Jesus Christ. Now you explode into a passionate performer. I am so passionate.

That is just. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop. All right, all right, all right. This is getting annoying real quick. William Gatorial. Go ahead. Kim has a question. Oh, as a yoga instructor, what's the most annoying thing that regularly happens?

Oh, shit. People farting? No, I'm just kidding. That's not it. They just try to be really competitive about it. And they're, like, forcing themselves into these injuries. Like, people are trying to do, like, backbends, and then they can't get out of it. And I'm like...

What's your favorite joke that you've written in a year that you've done stand-up? Do that one joke for you. Oh, my God. Do your favorite. favorite joke for us. How many you want to see your favorite joke, huh? Here we go. Here comes. Okay, here's another one. Favorite joke. Okay, okay, okay. So I got my phone stolen recently, but by that, I mean, I lost it. And so I had to listen to the radio. And my favorite part of the radio is the Art Labo Love

Connection on 104-7. You know, people are always calling in like, hi, this is Pamela from Van Nuys. and I have a message for my lover, Carl, in Pasadena. I want to wrap my arms around you so tight right now, Honeypoo bear snookums, and when I do, I promise I will never let you go, and I want to dedicate this song to you. Grind with me by Pretty Ricky. That really...

Red band. Red band, that's a lot. Oh, my God. Red band. I couldn't think of something fast enough, so I just... I don't know what you did this time. That was so bad.

Okay. What was the joke there? There's a lot of setup there. It's so bad. You are like a professional joke setup writer. If you need setups. You don't need any of that. You don't need that your phone was stolen.

You don't need the Art Labo. You don't need the number of the radio station. You don't need any of it. You just have to say I love those things where I love those love stations. They're always like, hey, me, me, me, and then go into that thing and then add a bunch of funny stuff to it. And then Art Leboe comes on and he reads, like,

you don't need that. Art Lebo's dead, isn't he? He used to own this building. Do you know that? Do you know he used to own? Respect. He owned Searos. He owned the Mitzie Shore. Damn.

Yeah, he's a legend. Fucking Sammy Shore bought this club from Art LaBeau. That's how old the person that you're talking about is, is that all of stand-up comedy has literally happened in between the time that the person that you're referencing now here in September. Shut the fuck. God, why do you join the band?

She's so good at just talking while someone else is talking. Step in for Jetsky tonight. Chris, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm sorry to offend the band. I can tell you guys are furious now. Why Art Leboe? Why is that? Is that a real thing?

Is he still doing it? Yes, he is alive. Are you sure that's not a soundboard? For not knowing that he's still around. He's still banging out. like episodes. He's fucking 95 years old. 95 years old.

Perhaps there's someone older that you can joke about. Perhaps there's a Adam and Eve reference somewhere. That's why I was saying that I lost the phone because who listens to the radio anymore. But sometimes I listen just for him. Latinos listen to the radio. Where are my Latino people at?

There's digits back there represent and he's listening to the radio right now. He literally has a little boombox up. Hell yeah. He just called in a request to Art Labo. Hey, yo, Cynthia, it's me digits. I just want to let you know I really fucked up. I left a pair of high socks at your place.

I want to pick this up. Okay, Amy. Well, it was fun to have you on. I think this is going to be good for you. This just went about as bad on every level as it possibly can. And this is what people need sometimes. They need a little jolt. You're going to wake up tomorrow and you're going to be like,

fuck, I need to do something. I need to do anything. I need to write something immediately. I need to figure out something, and it's going to be good for you. This is good. Trust me. Some people come on this show and their first minute is unbelievable, and then their interview's great, and then they come back,

and then their stalks going down. You're going the opposite path. It can only get better. So come back again. There she goes, Amy Freeze, everybody. Oh, Bologna Pete's taking a lunch break over here. Let's see William in his new shorts. Let's do that.

Let's jump right into William Montgomery in shorts. Here he comes. Here he is. Oh, oh my goodness. General Bogus, get on that camera. Here he is. For those of you that are into abusive stepfathers, this is the one. He's yelling.

He's very angry. All right. Face that camera. Show us your body. That's the camera, William. Look right down the barrel of that camera. William. I swear to God, William has no idea how cameras work.

He's like always surprised when I point to the same camera every week. Oh, look at that hard as a rock. For those of you watching, we're slowing down the video of him getting hit full speed by Bologna Pete with a sledgehammer. My goodness, that is incredible. It's barely moving at all. The flesh is barely moving. All right. William, what do you think about those new shorts?

I love them. All right, he loves them. Those are actually nice. North Face, awesome. Really good. Asphalt gray, 38, 38 regular. It's getting tight again. It's getting tight.

It's getting tight. Someone's been drinking. For a guy that sweats a lot, he's retaining a lot of water. There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody. It's the great JZ once said. On to the next. one.

My wife packed me a pizza sandwich. She never done that before. What'd she do? She packed me a pizza sandwich. She never done that before. Oh, wow. Look at that. I loved watching Jeremiah.

I'll wait for you to notice his sandwich on the piece. He just kept having to eat it. He lives for moments like these. If one person tweets, I love the pizza sandwich part, he just fucking calms all over. You can get the new pizza sandwich t-shirt at Jeremiah. Stendup. TV.

Oh, yeah. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Elias Zoak, everybody. Here comes Elias. You guys going to play music for Elias? What happens when you insult the band? Oh, Jesus. Good one.

Here he is Elias Zoac. I'll just have Red Band play music for the comedians from now on. You know what? Let's take it from the top. Just play something. Hey, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Makes a noise for, Elias Zoac. Oh, man, that feels good.

Guys, eight comatose people in this room. Here he is Elias Zoak, everyone. All right. Hey. So I've been dating during quarantine. If you want to know the type of girl that I'm into, I like a girl with a sense of humor, you know, but not too vulgar. So maybe like Amy Polar, opposite of Amy Schumer. It's about my type. Marilyn Monroe once said, you can make a woman laugh. You can make her do anything. I'll make them laugh, and they do do anything, but me. But my exes have all been reliable, though.

They're really able to just rely and rely and rely and rely and rely, and rely. My ex just got sponsored by Glad. They just named that product after her, the scented trash bag. Yeah. Maybe she should go on a blind. blind date. I don't know. I went on a blind date. You couldn't see I was the right one. Unfortunately. I have a Kobe joke too. Okay, let's hear it. Go ahead, Elias. Okay. So the reason why a lot of people are so shook about Kobe's death, me included,

is because we know that the popular saying, this two shall pass, won't occur. There you go. There's a foul on the play. Elias Zoak. Oh, there they are. Bana-na-na-na-na-na. There it is. I love it. Welcome to the show, Elias. This is your first time on Kiltoni. Am I correct?

Yes, sir. Thank you so much. I'm so honored. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little under a year, but with COVID, so it's been tough. Right. Okay. And where are you from?

Miami. How long have you been in L.A.? I've been in L.A. since June of last year. Were you going to say there for a second? I said, I went to UF2, so I fuck with that. Oh, you're also a Gator. Wow. It's a big night for us.

Look at this. This is incredible. My goodness. What did you study there? Telecommunications. Me too. Wow. What year did you guys graduate?

Yeah, I might have fucked you. You guys might be twins. You have a good look to you. You look like a young Bruno Tards. I'm going to Google that. It's like Bruno Mars, but retarded. Bruno Tards. You like Bruno Mars if he landed on the grenade, he was singing about you.

Oh, yeah. I like that. What was the question? What did I graduate? 2017. Oh, okay. What's the most Florida thing you've done? Yeah, good question.

You know, it's funny. Like, everyone knows there's a Florida man, right? But in Florida, we don't know there's a Florida man. For us, it's just, you know, you'll watch the news and you'll say a man in Davy's been eating another man's face because of the recreational drug bathsaltzance. You guys have Morgan Freeman as a newscaster there? I mean, it's incredible. What do you do for work now that you study? telecommunications.

I'm unemployed. I lost my job. I'm looking for. What job did you lose? I was a marketing coordinator. But I also, I'm an independent producer because it's telecommunication. Well, we're all independent producers, technically. What were you producing? Like short videos and films.

Yeah, I do that too. What do you like to do for fun? I like to play basketball before COVID. Uh-huh. You know? I go heat. We're in the finals. I was going to come with my Miami Heat

LeBron James jersey. I thought that would be like kind of funny because he plays for it. You know, it's like on both sides. Dude, it would have made the set. Thanks, dude.

Yeah. I thought there, I thought it was a telephone cord around his neck. So you talked about, you talked about, you know, that is a little, that is a little interesting.

You got a little, got a little fucking, what does that look like? What does that remind you? Are those your praying beads? Yeah, like, are those your praying beads? Yeah, like, Mindful.

Be mindful. What do you need to remember? Just to be here in the present moment because it's a very valuable thing to be. There's the only thing that we have. Oh, so you have trauma. Wow. So let's talk about it. You're a good-looking guy. You're from Florida. Right? You seem like you're a nice guy. You talked about dating in your set. Is that true? Did some girl like break your heart or ignore you that you liked?

Is that sort of a true thing? It's just like, I'm just always like the friend, you know? So it's like... Why do you think that is? Well, recently some girl told me that I was. too feminine, which was... It might be the friendship beads. Yeah, it might be the beats that you're wearing. Do you always wear those beads like that?

No, I don't. Yeah, you shouldn't. You know how vampires, you wore them off with garlic? That's like you wore chicks off of those things. Next time you see a girl and you're wearing those beads, instead of talking about mindfulness, just take them off and shove them up her. All right, so let's see where it goes wrong here. Let's say that we're at a bar and I'm a hot chick, okay? And you want to fuck me.

me, all right? And we're hanging out, listening to the music, right? John Mayer's there. He's playing live. All right, here we go. You ready? Be present. I'm a hot chick. You ready? Here we go. Hey, what's up? What's your name? Easy. What's her name? Easy. It's my initials. Oh, God. Okay. Stop, stop, stop. Hold on a second here. That's the first problem. Stop. No, stop. Complete shutdown here. Hold on a second. What the fuck. I was literally being a dumb hot chick, Right? Hey, what's your name? Easy, what's your name?

It's like why you like verbally raped me, right? From the get. Can we maybe try it again because we actually have a hot chick here? Like we like use Kim and see if he's game will improve. Maybe he's nervous that it's a guy. Okay, I'll let Kim play the role. Absolutely. Here we go.

All right. There you go. Remember, you want to hook up with her. So do what you can to hook up with her. Don't do what you did with me. All right. All right, ready? Oh, my God, what's up?

What's your name? Elias. You have to talk into the microphone, you fagget. Elias, what's your name? Oh, I'm Kim. Nice to meet you. Is it short for Kimberly? It is, yeah.

No, it's short for Susan. Oh, yeah? That's nice. So you like this band? Is that way you're here? Oh, this band? No, I didn't come to listen to John Mayer. Elias.

What brain injury have you suffered in your life? Florida, man. It's John Mayer. It's not a band. You don't know who John Mayer is? You don't know Bruno Mars is. Elias, put your helmet back on. We're talking to women.

Okay, I'm going to let you guys continue. You do almost everything wrong. Wait, wait. Can we try it again, but with Red Band this time is the girl? I mean, I mean, first of all, can we just acknowledge that she said, that she said, Kim, and you said, is that short for Kimberly? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? This isn't supposed to be the comedy part. We want to see you actually try to get laid.

Now, now look what you're stuck with. You're stuck with the fucking, the third hottest chick on stage. What's up, bro? What's going on? Oh, I'm trying to fuck Red Bear! What's up? Hey, dude. It's all, man.

Like your beads. Thanks, dude. I put them away. Oh. Should I come find him for you? Turn around. I bet they're in your back pocket. You're a girl, right?

Yeah. acted before. Oh, pull him out slower. Do you mind if I smell them now? It's just shit all over him now. You are getting very high. Oh, that shit doesn't work on me, you idiot. Elias, you have failed with all three of us.

You know what? Let's bring William up here. William, come on out here. William, where's William Montgomery? Can we go William up here? Find William Montgomery for me. All right, let's give you one more round with me. Let's really try it this time, okay?

Here's William. He's here? William, come out. The name change was good. Okay. Here he comes. Here's William Montgomery. So, William, in this scene, you're going to be playing a hot chick that wants to fuck this guy.

Ready? And John Mayer, you're at a John Mayer concert. Flirt with him. Go. What's your name? Elias. Elias, what's your son? I'm a Leo.

I'm a Leo, too. Oh, wow. So we're firing. When were you born? August. August. What? 12.

I was born August 12th as well. Beautiful. It's meant to be. How old are you? 26. I'm 26, too. Say what's meant to be. Say what's meant to be.

Us. Us. In what way? Say it in what way. In what way? Together. Forever? We can see about that.

Okay, I figured it out. I figured it out. That's exactly what I thought. Here's the problem. You fall in love with girls and you want a serious relationship. What you need to try to do, Elias, Listen to me. I want you to repeat this after me.

Ready? I am a pussy hound. Say it. I'm a pussy hound. That sounds so much hotter. You just got, that was the first time I saw you was hot, right when you said that.

See? You need to think this way, Elias. You're not going to find a relationship if you're out there matching zodiac signs with people that look like William fucking Montgomery. Oh, Gators. Yeah. We need to teach you how to go straight for the,

The vagina instead of the heart. It's like you need to hit fur space before you sign a long-term deal with the Yankees. Do you have a tattoo? No. No, he doesn't. Over his belly button? I was going to say, yeah. It's like a dolphin.

It's like a dolphin. You have a piercing, though. Am I correct? You have a nipple piercing? No, sir. You have nipple piercing energy. Are you Cuban? Puerto Rican?

No, sir. Vegan? That's just the Miami Amiens. Half black? No. what are you Chinese culturally ambiguous see that's a bad answer too

Tony I think that's what I am what is it no culturally ambiguous baloney P you're Italian you're from New York No Do you not get laid a lot No

Because you should you're not bad looking You're a good looking guy Your eyebrows are good You're a nice looking guy Your outfit's not bad Like you could get laid It's just something about what you're doing verbally, I think. It's true.

100%. I don't think at all. I know it for a fact. I ran it through the whole gambit of testing here. That's why I did this. I don't always go, hey, what are you saying to the girls? Because there had to be a serious problem, and there clearly is. The person that you connected with the best was William Montgomery.

I thought we had something. Beautiful. Elias, come back again with another minute sometime. Elias, Zoak, everybody. There he goes. That was fun. Physical, physical. I'll tell you who doesn't want to get physical. Elias Zoac, he wants to get fucking relationships.

Can I see that rag? Now he's going to hit a girl. He needs to do something. He needs to spicing up that fucking attitude. I wonder what that is. I think he's probably just a mommy's boy. I see, I almost feel like it's the opposite. I almost feel like normally I would agree with that.

But normally, mama's boys know how to, like, communicate with women. It seems like he was mostly raised by, like a, like a, like a, like a hardworking father. Was your mom in your life the whole time, Elias? Raised by a single mother. Did you have a lot of brothers? No brother. Only child. Ah.

There it is. Mling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. He got breastfed to, like, 12. Yep. Only child, single mother. She let you sleep in the bed with. until you were 15. Am I correct? Yeah.

There you go. Thank you very much. That's psychology 101. Oh, he's sweet. He is. He's adorable. He's a good snuggler, I bet. I bet he lasts five seconds in the bedroom. No? No. Do you have a big penis?

No. He kind of gave it. He gave a kind of. No way. That's a big tell. See, even then, you should have just said yes. It would have been hotter. Right. Even if you don't have a big penis pretend you do. See, little penis guys. Ask me if I got a big penis. Do you have a big penis?

You wish. Even that was fast and confident. See, that's another theory of mine is that little penis guys go straight for the relationship because they don't want to just have a one-night stand. Get really good at eating pussy. What do you think about that? You think you're good at that? He's good on sexy.

He's got a little penis. I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. Something's off there. I'll tell you one guy that absolutely is great in the bedroom. him without a doubt, a guy that loves eating pussy, a guy that absolutely kills it. He's another

regular on this show. One of my favorite comedians in the game. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Yeah. David Lucas. Yeah. A lot of people always

try to say, like, the South is the most racist place in the world. But the most racist, place in America would have to be YouTube comments. It's Uncle Tom's cabin in that motherfucker. I get caught a nigger in YouTube comments without

even having a profile picture. I'm like, how the fuck do you know I'm black? He's like, it's the way you use run-on sentences. I was like, oh, all right, too-shay. Another racist thing that a lot of people don't think about, like the most racist things that we learn in elementary,

school would have to be nursery rhymes. Nursery rhymes are racist as shit. Like the most racist nursery rhyme we learned as kids was Baba Black Sheep. Do you guys know the lyrics? It goes like this. Bye-Bah Black Sheep. Have you any wool? Yes, a, yes, a, three bags full. One for my master. Like, hold on, what the fuck these white people got me reading in the second grade? David Lucas. My goodness, that's so interesting. Is that true?

What's that? Is that really? Bye, bye, black sheep? Yeah, that's the lyrics. Bye, by black sheep. Have you any wool? Yes, sir, yes, sir. Three bags four.

No way. One for my master. One for my name. One for the little boy who lives up the lane. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Yo, get on, Kato. Okay.

Yeah. Are there any other racist nursery rhymes? Are you looking into this? Probably all. Yeah, it's not really racist, but it's racist. We found out recently that the Ice Cream Man song is a really. They actually changed it and somebody made a new song. Yeah, I saw that.

If anybody wants some ice cream, come right on to this truck. We are not racist at all. We just have ice cream in a truck. So, Boba, Black Sheep. My goodness. Are there other racist ones? What about Jack and Jill? I think that's about, ain't that shit about, like, rape or some shit?

Or something crazy shit I heard about the Jack and Jill is about. Yeah. Einy, Meeny, Miny Mo. Oh, that's right. That's a song about niggas. I think so. It depends how you sing it. There's a couple different ways.

Look up that one. No, it's pronounced. Tigers. Yeah, that's what they changed it to in the 80s. It used to be pick a nigger by his toe in the 50s and 60s. Wow. Seems like a weird place. The word picnic is racist.

That's why Jordan's got so big. Right, I guess. Oh, my goodness. All right. Einy, me, my niny, mine. and Moe were all in the same prison cell together in 1836. That's incredible.

What? No, I'm just kidding. Wow. So, David, that's fun. What else? YouTube comments, being racist, it's true. Even I get called the N-word in YouTube comments. They be ready to drop the N-word. I'd be like, man, you know, I really fight. I really be so. You know, what's funny is that every time you're on,

our YouTube gets demonetized because every time you're on, you say the N-word like five times. And I've tried to fight it so many times and they go, we have a human look at it and no, you have the N-word five times in your YouTube video. Oh, we need to start, we need to start bleeping that shit. Oh, yeah, I got to stop saying that. Yeah.

Oh, you just did it right then. I'll say, Nick. Okay, let's just, how about we don't? Just, just change it to Tiger. Yeah. The what? Just change it to Tiger. What other words can't you use?

That's pretty much it. That's pretty much the only one. So you're telling me y'all get demonetized? Every time. Will you please stop saying? I also can't get naked anymore. Jesus, you're acting like a real, you know what? That one's going to get me in trouble at a later date.

No, it won't. He talked to his friend that way. I was on an interview this past weekend when I was out of town, and I said something. And I was like, bro, y'all got to bleep that shit out because that shit is going to come back to kill me in like five to ten years. because I was telling them how like I don't like to use condoms and like I'll like secretly put Plan B in a girl smoothie in the morning

and I was like that shit is going to get me fucked up at a few years I was like bro you gotta edit that shit out for real well you just said it again on it you're literally doing everything you shouldn't be doing it's really incredible my brain not working well I'm fucking jet lag

no it's tight it's good what you would you do you had some of the girls smoothie the other day got that plan B running in through your veins. The moment they make male birth control, I'll take it. I bet. I bet. Mail birth control would sell like a motherfucker.

Hell yeah, bro. I can't believe they haven't invented that yet. I can't wait. Everybody's always like, well, why don't you just get a vasectomy? And it's like, what the fuck are you talking? Who wants to get their balls cut up? Oh, wow. You know how dogs act when you get them?

There's Vinny vasectomy over there, one of the vasectomy spokesmen. Dogs get all depressed when you do that shit to them, bro. Yeah, it's not just saying. It's a little bit different. That's castration. They actually remove the testicles all the way to get it. Like when you get a vasectomy, it's just a tube. It's a tube that's being tied.

Yeah, and you could actually undo it. Do you still be able to like skeet, though? Yeah, you could ski it all over your face. Yeah, you can come and come comes out and nobody gets pregnant. It's weird, just the only the actual sperm part doesn't come out, which is like like. It'll just be clear. It's just clear. It tastes different.

My wife fucking ram. It's not just... It's more sour. Oh, my God. Eat the assaye bowl a day, bro. So where'd you go to this week? Side splitters. And then I did the concrete podcast out of town.

Making Georgia? Oh, yeah. I flew. Well, after the show, I knew I had to be back for Kiltonner, so I was like, let me just fly to see my mama for a day. How's she doing? She's chilling, bro.

What do you guys do? Anything fun? Grill. Grill, crab, legs, shrimp, and salons. Oh, yeah, I saw that. That looked good. That looked really fucking good. Yeah, bro.

Just out of there chilling in the woods, you know. Damn. My mama, she feeds deer, so, like, every day around a certain time, you can see, like, 10-11 deer in her backyard. Wow. That shit be lit. I just like to go out there to have a peace of mind. You don't got to hear no bus, no homeless person yelling.

Yeah. Right. Like a little recharge. I love that. Hell, yeah. A lot of bugs and animals. Bro, I got bit by a spider on my ass, bro. That shit.

On your ass? God damn right, bro. I had to get that shit. And think about how hard that struggle must have been for that spider. You sit on it with just its last anything. There's a toothless spider right now. I had to get that shit drained at the ER like two in the morning, bro. Because I knew I weren't going to be able to fly with no...

You had to go to the ER? And get that shit drained, yeah. Oh, that's disgusting. Before I went to the airport. Wait, is it a poison spider? It had to be, bro. That shit got big, though. Where was it at?

Oh, yeah. On my right ass, you still look swollen from here. How much did they drain out? Did they tell you? I don't know. They put a needle in that bitch. Ask them to drain out more. I was like, do what you got to do.

Oh, my goodness. I was like, don't numb it or nothing. Did you see the spider at all? Nah, bro, but when I got to the hospital, he told me it was a spider. Wow. Yeah, he was probably like a black widow or some shit. Yeah. Damn.

My goodness. Yeah, though. I'm just glad he can bite my dick. Yeah, that's true. It would be hard for it to get in there with the amazing. Sheath underwear that you're wearing. How you know I got them on? Are you wearing sheets?

Hell yeah, bro. Hey, represent. Those are the sheaths. Look at that. We love sheath underwear. You can go to sheath underwear.com. Use the promo code. Kill Tony.

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So, use promo code Kill Tony at checkout and get rid of your old Sigs or Vap. Save your own life. Start to breathe better. Start to live better. Lucy.com. And we're back with the great David Lucas. David, who's that on your shirt? Is that Dennis Rodman?

Dennis Rodman like a motherfucker. You see that comedy start trying, bro. That is incredible. The only one in the world. That is incredible. That looks beautiful. Major General Bogus. Can you zoom in on that?

Look at that. In another year, this bitch will be gold with diamonds in it, VVs, you feel me? Oh, my goodness. Fuck. Very cool. You have a friend that made that, right? Yeah, GBL design. Shout out to my boy GBL design.

You know what I'm saying. He gave me this to show what he can do with the jury shit. So. That's great. How long it take him to do that? Long time. Yeah. Because, you know, like, when somebody doing something out of the kindness of they're hard to get to you,

it's like, bro, don't treat it like a motherfucker who paid you thousands. get it to me when you get it to me. So he probably told me about this like two months ago. That's cool. And it just was in the mail today when I got back. That is so cool. You're so likable. Thank you.

Thank you. It's true. He's an absolute killer. Kills on the road. We had a lot of fun together. We were the last people. Seven sold-out shows. Yeah, seven sold-out shows in La Jolla, me, him, and Saturday Night Lives, Punky Johnson.

How cool is that? Yeah. How unexpected? I feel like everybody knew it. She was going to blow up at some point. It was crazy to happen. Great news. It's very, very exciting.

I could hear Jeremiah screaming. I called him. I was very proud of it. I think we all are. I told you one thing about one thing about punk, I'm so glad, like, because like, punky getting SNL just shows you like in comedy. You don't got to act like nobody to get.

get nowhere because it's like the girl who should not be at S&L, she's gay, cusses, talk about eating pussy on stage and has dreadlocks, it's on S&M motherfucking L. Yep. No, it's true. You can say whatever you want and get on S&L as long as you're a black lesbian. That's it. That's all you have to do. You have to cover, if you knock off two to three diversity bingo, bingo plays, then, yeah,

you can get on SNL. They don't want me. the two people laughing the hardest at this are the two people that understand what it takes to get on SNL Michael Lair and Jeremiah Watkins I wouldn't even know what to do what they asked me the show straight white males that could easily and probably should easily be on the show laughing it up at the black lesbian that got on the show

SNL stands for a should or not laughed and by the way that is one of the things with with Punky is that even though I'm making those jokes She is so incredibly hilarious and charismatic on stage and off that it is just a perfect alignment that she's a black lesbian. She is completely qualified and, in fact, way overqualified. In fact, much like their hiring of Shane Gillis a year ago for those incredible three days, I think that SNL is really showing a set of balls. And if things go correctly and they do what's right and they do it like Bill Belichick's running the show and utilize what they can,

for the best of the show, Punky should be the thing that kicks it off next week when they have their premiere and she should be featured throughout the show not hidden enough to pay dues like their old dog shit system that holds them back tremendously. But thanks to SNL for being SNL

because you helped the internet comedy scene grow tremendously by taking your golden time slot and sucking with it for two decades. Thank you so much, SML. Shoutouts to S&L. But Punky's, going to bring it back. That's why I love Tony, bro.

That d'nig is a real thing. Heck yeah. Can't fire me from that show. You know who asked me about you most on the road? Who? Black folks. Your goddamn motherfucking. They were like, boy, a dude was in Florida. Hey, man, your boy was on that movie, dog. I said, your boy had that movie. It goes and everything. Your boy was in that movie. So I was in a movie. I didn't

promote it much on. I didn't promote it once on here, actually. I was in a with Jay Farrow. With Jay Farrow. 10 minutes to fame with Jay Farrow and Kat Williams. It was so much fun. Tony plays himself. Yeah, I play a network executive, but it's me. No shit.

Yeah, it's really fun. It's actually a really good movie, I was actually, I don't want to say surprised, but I was very impressed at how good the movie was. For as much talent that they stocked in that movie is not a bad movie. It's a, right. You can, I watch the whole, because I watched it because I like to support anybody who put a lot of comedians and some shit. And I was like, man, it's going to be bad.

And then I was like, oh, God, damn, I'm really watching and paying attention to me. It was really, really. good. Jay Farrow and Cat Williams. I mean, of course, Cat Williams and Jay Farrow. They're both extremely talented. They carry the movie. It's incredible. I have a little baby, sweet little cameo. Kat Williams is mad at me. He's so funny.

He was so funny. The interesting thing about Cat Williams that I learned from working with him on that set was that he is a different person on a movie set than he is at a comedy club. He's a very, very it's almost like UFC. In the Octagon, these people are fucking animals. They have one focus and that is destroying their

opponent. But a lot of them are so nice and so cool. Like when Nate Diaz is here, he's the fucking coolest, funniest, most awesome guy in the world. And you see him, you know, in the Octagon, it's an entirely different beast. And that's how Cat Williams is at comedy clubs compared to movie sets.

He knows that he's a boss 30-year comedy vet. And on a movie set, he's like the nicest guy. Right. Incredible. But I will tell you one more thing, even though this interview is going long, a funny thing about how you said that black people love me. So I was on the golf course the other day,

and at one point on the turn, I look at my phone, and for some reason, I noticed that literally, for some reason, in the two hours that I didn't look at my phone, there's, like, I don't know, I'm going to just throw a number out there and say 500 new Instagram followers with 100 new comments, and they're all black people avatars, right? And I'm literally like, oh, fuck. Either this Kobe joke thing came back.

Something I've said in the seven and a half years of making racial, not racist, but racial jokes on this show in other places is going to fuck me up. And then I realized that they aired one of the roast me things on All-Deft Digital. Yeah. So it ended up being a good thing. They tagged me in it. Yeah. They were like, you got to get David Lucas roast on me. I was very concerned for a minute because I'm like, oh, this is not going to be good.

But it ended up being great. Yeah, bro. Yeah. A bunch of new of my black friends. Or as David would call them, the N-word. You've got to start bleeping these. Yeah, we're going to have to start dating. Are you serious?

I can't say the N-word? You really can't. You can't anymore. No. God damn, bro. We haven't been able to say it for two years now, so. Yeah. Welcome to our world, David.

You know how hard it is for us to not say it? There he goes. The great David Lucas, everybody. Hey. What song is that? It's your Fermanipframiet. Oh, misdemeanor

Eliok. Let me work it, but my thing off livid and reverse it. It's yours for mit Spimuthi and Yack. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian

goes by the name of Frank U. Here goes Frank U. Oh, we know this young man. He's been on this show before. Here he is Frank U, everybody Hey, uh, what's up? First off, I don't got to tell you guys I'm Mexican, you see the Yamika, right?

Well, I've been doing my part to fight racism by sticking up for other cultures. A few months ago, I was at a party, and there was a Nazi skinhead dude there. And anytime the DJ played a song he liked, he'd be like, uh-switz. I said, hey, uh, uh, Please don't do that. I tried selling weed one time and I never made any money. My problem was I was selling weed to other Mexican kids, so I got paid in memories. And never a specific memory either.

I got paid $4 and a A-FU. Remember when we were a little? I grew up watching a lot of sitcoms, 90s sitcoms. I loved them, but as a brown kid, I couldn't relate a whole lot because there was one family and their last name was Tanner, but there were also minority families on TV, and they were way more Tanner. Hell yeah, Frank You.

Frank You. Now, I remember Frank You, because famously on this show, we one time had a $1,000 giveaway thanks to our friends over at Ridge Wallet. They hit me up earlier that day, and they go, Tony, we want to do a giveaway, give away a Ridge Wallet.

We're going to put a $1,000. in it, the CEO of Ridge wallets coming. So you just got to pick whoever you want, whoever you think would be right to get this wallet. Famously, you seemed like the kind of guy that would have a shitty wallet after your set. And I asked you what kind of wallet you had, and you had a broken, tiny manila envelope. Literally, the only thing that even qualifies as a wallet,

it's such a shitty wallet that it barely had enough paper to qualify as a wallet. And it was the shittiest possible wallet. There's no, it's impossible for anyone in the room to have had a shittier wallet than you, which things like that on this show, I like to think sometimes seem too good to be true. It seems like a produced sake. Wait a second. Do you think maybe he was planted by the Ridge wallet guys? No way.

Impossible. Why did you have that? He's the owner of Ridge wallet. He just got his money back. Yeah, exactly. Why did you have that, that, I can't remember. You had an envelope for a wallet. I had lost my debit card a couple of weeks before, but I would come every Monday to do Kill Tony.

so I knew if I wanted to come, I needed my ID, and I would drop it if I didn't have a little. So here's my million dollar question. You want $1,000 that day. You seem like the kind of guy that I would consider fiscally irresponsible. So my question is this. What did you end up spending that thousand bucks on?

Be honest. I quit my job after that. What the fuck? Really? I thought it was going to last a lot longer than it did. Hold on a second. You quit your job. job after a thousand dollars what was your job uh i was like a suit like i was uh i worked in logistics

so i would weigh 18 wheel trucks but i also supervised the wear it was a great job benefits and it was amazing someone who thought a thousand dollars would last was in charge of weighing things yeah well like how like how long did you think it was going to last like because that could only have lasted like a couple weeks maybe i i bet you stretched it out the three weeks Right? Yeah, because I don't know. I thought the offers were going to come pouring in. I thought NBC was going to call.

I didn't know what was going to come next, but I was ready to take the lead. It's me. I'm the head executive over at NBC Universal. Are you the young man that won the Ridge Wallet the other day? Featuring the winner of the Ridge Wallet on Kill Tony. Hello, Frank. It's me, Ted Seranos from Netflix. We want to sign you to a multi-picture deal.

You're the Ridge Wallet guy, right? I'm so upset you quit your job Yeah that kind of sucks How did you quit? Did you call your boss? Did you go in and tell them? Did you put in a two week notice? Like what went down?

Well, I had been planning to quit the job for a while now So that was kind of like the tipping point And as stupid as it sounded It was actually great timing Because it was right before COVID So they It wasn't though This was like the end of last year wasn't it?

No, it was like November You really made that thousand last He's like it got me through COVID You quit right before COVID? Yeah, right before COVID. But it was a mutual party. And I had a good standing there. So they technically fired me so I can collect unemployment.

And then COVID hit. And the unemployment just came shower. Oh, yeah. Just came flying through. No doubt about it. It's like two reds wallets. Oh, yeah. How'd you spend the COVID money?

I still have a lot of it. I think it's made me pretty frugal. Is there anyone you want to thank for that COVID money that you got? Yeah. Ridgewall, no wait. The COVID money. Yeah, there's one man to thank. Yourself, Frank, it's your money.

They take taxes and then they give it back to you when you get an unemployment. Okay, thank you, Joel. Somebody says good answer. You guys are just. No, no. Unbelievable. So let's try this fucking perfect setup launching pad of a joke again. Is there anyone you want to thank for giving you the COVID money?

He's a very handsome man, but I'm not going to do it. Who? President, Commander-in-Chief God, Trump. I've been watching you for the last couple of weeks. See? He's a big fan of yours.

That's weird, because I got unemployment under Obama. I wonder if it was just Trump's new idea or... You got unemployment. Did Trump have had unemployment? I don't... Am I learning something new?

Yeah. Hey, but it's okay because you're paying more taxes than he did. That's absolutely true. When you're super duper rich, you don't have to pay taxes. It doesn't exist, folks.

You guys know how much money Jeff Bezos pays in taxes? You fucking lefty faggots. That's crazier. Yeah, it's much crazier. Trump doesn't give me two-day shipping, though. I did like the breakdown of the taxes thing. They said how much he gets just for his hair.

It's something like $75,000. Easily. A year for his hair. No doubt. When you have to have someone do it, and you have all those television appearances, that shit adds up if you have a fucking actual like hairstyle like he does.

You know there's a flow chart for that? There's an actual chart that people get that have to do his hair. I once on another set talked with a woman that worked over at Saturday Night Live and there's a hair flow chart that is given to everybody that has to do his hair that shows you exactly how it's combed.

There's like a six-step thing. It's pretty incredible. Is that that it? Sounds like a real nice dude. Yes, that has anything to do with how nice he is, Joel. Boy, are we reaching today? Deeply. Sounds like a real nice guy because of the flow chart on his hair.

Hey, dude, you want to talk about reaching deeply, dude? I got a two-by-four between my legs, dude. Okay. And by the way, the difference between the Obama and Trump thing is that one's unemployment and the other was a COVID relief that was his idea and he tried to do more, but you're fucking Democratic Congress. Oh, we're talking about unemployment. No, we weren't.

We were talking about the Trump money, the COVID money. Oh, sorry, there's a jackhammer going off right next point. I didn't hear that part. So, Frank, what else have you been up to during this pandemic? Just, you know, trying to write and get better as shit. I took some of that money that Trump gave us, and I'm trying to start reselling shit, which is probably predictable. Like, you know.

What have you been? Converters? What have you been reselling? You know, like sneakers and shit like that. Oh, shit. Where's digits? Digits. Are you still here? No.

No, that's a shame. Digits is a sneaker. He snuck into this country. Have you sold the sneakers? No, like all the shit that I've ordered, I actually haven't received it yet because they do like four to six weeks. Wait, so you're buying stuff so that you can resell it? Yeah, my money's tied up in. You're a bad business.

In investments right now. Oh, my God. A couple of Xboxes if anyone wants to buy any. Okay. All right. Welcome to resell Tony, everybody. Facebook Marketplace. All right, Frank.

Well, fun times. You still have your Ridge wallet, right? It has a lifetime guarantee. Yeah, I still carry both of them. Wow. Both of them? What does that mean? You still have the Manila envelope?

Whoa. Why do you still have it? that where the fuck is your ridge wallet uh this just got magic powers from what i know and i've seen so i just hang on it it doesn't frank your life isn't going as well as you think it is wait so you don't have the ridge wallet on you no i have that too but where is your ridge wallet one of the official sponsors of kill tony kill tony not sponsored by plain torn manila envelopes there we go there it is there's a ridge wallet to prove it as a lifetime guarantee still has it thank you frank yes all right there goes frank everybody

Thank you. There goes Frank. Jesus Christ, man. What the fuck? We should have just had William come back up here and talk about Ridgewallet. You know, William actually is being credited for selling quite a few Ridgewallets after that. From that episode? Well, good.

That's the rumor that I've been hearing is that we got a big uptick and Ridge wallet sales. Okay. Let's keep it moving here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of. Katie Houseman. Here we go. Katie Hausman. Katie Hausman. It's Katie Hausman.

So I have two older brothers. My oldest brother went to UC Berkeley, and he's now a doctor delivering babies and shit. Cool guy. My other brother went to Harvard University, and he's now a published author. So for my part, I also went to Harvard of the Midwest, the University of Kansas. the University of Kansas, Rock Chalk. And I actually just finished my final hours of community service for my first DUI.

Thank you. Usually get a lot more applause. But it's, you know, there's a first time for anything, and I'll try anything once. But it was an alleged DUI. I can't be certain it really happened because I was blacked fuck out. I could be being framed, but time will tell.

Anyway, I was in the Starbucks drive-thru the other day And I roll up to the window And the barista was like, Great news, the person in front of you decided to pay for your order. And I was like, aw, fuck, I would have ordered way more If I'd known that was going to happen. Fuck yeah, Katie Houseman, everybody. We built this city on the city.

There you go. Hi, Katie. Hi. You live in Kansas City? I do. Okay. How long have you lived there your whole life? No, I moved there in 2017 after I graduated from KU.

Okay. Where'd you live before that? I grew up in Calabasas, California. Wow. Calabasas, California. So your parents have a lot of money. No. We lived on the fringes.

We were there when I was born in 95. So we were there before the Cardatch. So Burbank. No, no, no, no. Jesus, Joel. I used to live in Calabasasas in the apartments in California. Calabas. Right next to Gelson's in Woodland House? We lived like two minutes from each other.

Oh, cool. Yeah, we were Calabasas. That's right. Yeah. It's mentally retarded today. Yeah, you could have said something else. Yeah, I could have. But I did it. Back to you. You picked a place 40 minutes from Calabasas.

Yeah, I thought it was funny to say that that was on the fringes. Get it? No. YouTube will love it. We don't get it. Yeah, I got a lot. There's no getting it. YouTube will love it.

I've never seen. Rocky either, dude. By the way, when you're playing for not the people in the room and not people that live in Los Angeles. And not your peers, but for the people on YouTube, you're doing something wrong. Hell yeah, dude. There's no people in this room. Okay. So Katie, what do you do for work? I'm a writer. Oh, what are you writing? I write lots of different things. I actually just wrote an article about your show last week because I came. Oh, God. What's it for? It's for. It's Women's health. Women's health.

Yeah, it's a women's health article. Woman's health what? It's a woman's health article. Okay. Go ahead. Tell us what you write for, Katie. I write for a lot of different things, but this is an entertainment site, so Kill Tony was perfect for it. What's the site?

It's called poptonic.com. Okay. Did the article come out? Yes, it did. Oh, shit. Yeah. I interviewed Camden Pace because I met him here last week, and he gave me a a little interview about what it's like to be on the show.

Oh, cool. Yeah. My goodness, you should have written it this week now that you've been on it. I will probably just keep writing about Kill Toney, to be honest. We would appreciate that. That could make up for the years and years of journalists avoiding this show. Oh, I... Because we say the N-word, and I say the F-word, and...

Oh, that's what I come for. And politically, we lean straight down the middle. I also wrote an article about the... I called it the Great Comic Exodus of L.A. If you happen to read that and you don't like the part I wrote about you, I will take it out. I can already tell I'm not going to like it. What did you write about me? I just...

I'm still here. So this is very interesting to find out that I'm in the comedy Exodus article. Go ahead. You had a very small part and I needed to meet my word count. Brian Redband posted on Reddit that you guys would be moving to Austin. And I took a screenshot and I was like, well, wow, sweet. That's the kind of journalism I do. Wow.

Incredible. And thank you to Red Band. for letting the public know my... I think we already talked about it before, too. Newvers, I don't really... I don't think we gave an official statement to Reddit. You wrote a Reddit article? No, no.

I just... Somebody asked me, hey, what's going to happen to kill Tony if you moved to Austin? I said, I think Tony's moving also or something. Girl, you are good at your job. I did. It's incredible.

I mean, I'm finding out that I'm moving to Austin right now live. It's an incredible news article. Hey, I can delete it. No, it's a good. Okay, no, trust me. I mean, I didn't even know that you wrote it, so. That's true. No one really does.

I don't think it needs to be deleted. Yeah. So what's your love life like? Are you in love with someone in Kansas? I am very bad at getting people to stick around me. Really? I'm kind of codependent. Oh, my goodness.

You know, I met a guy like this earlier tonight. Oh, yeah. I met him, too. Oh, wow. Damn. Elias can't even get with a girl that can't get anybody. No, go ahead. Tell it.

Where do you think it goes wrong with you? Honestly, I think I'm codependent, and I get really attached to people right away. He does that too. Yeah, he does that too. You guys can attach to each other. Your hair could be like Velcro. My guess is he might be a few two shades too dark for your parents. Am I correct?

For your Harvard grad brothers? Katie, why are you bringing this goddamn Cuban into the house? Hey, I got the DUI, so they're already far past disappointed with me. That guy's way too racially ambiguous to be in our... So let's talk about this DUI. What happened? You had a couple white claws and you got on your tricycle. You're on a bird scooter.

Oh, I can drink like William Montgomery. I'm telling you. I worked at a bar. I was a bartender, and we could drink as much as we wanted. And I got shit-faced because I was feeling very unhappy that day. And I decided to drive home. And some people ask me like, why would you do that? You're an idiot.

I was like, I was drunk as fuck. That's why. That's kind of what people do. They be idiots. So did the cop just see you swerving or did you hit something? Well, it's not a lie when I said I was blacked out. I think I fell asleep at the wheel. I did hit somebody.

You hit a human being. I did not hit a human being. I hit a person in a car. Okay. They turned out to be fine. They did get a huge insurance payout. So I feel like they're doing just, How huge?

Like probably over 100K. Wow. Why? Because they claimed like a scratch on their eye or something and I guess my insurance company was like we're giving them everything we got. Wow. That's good. Good insurance. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You want to give the insurance company a shout out. Shout out AAA. And who do we take for that? Oh, triple A. President.

That's pretty exciting. Who do we take? President. The one you want me to say. What's his name? There's a guy. There's a guy. Who do you want to thank?

Reagan. Reagan. There you go. Ronald Reagan. I'm not the best with politics. Wait a second. Is they hear Ronald Reagan impression? Yeah.

What kind of stuff do we have here? Wait a second. Did we finally find Red Band's third impression here? Wow. Oh, my God. Did you know about this? Yeah, I found out about the second episode of Jeremiah Wonders, and since then, I've asked him for it every single...

You got to hear it is Johnny Carson. You've got to hear his Johnny Carson. Wait, is it exactly the same? Johnny, Johnny, what kind of stuff do we have here? What? Ah, it was a setup. It was an impression. Thanks for ruining it.

I can't, no, I can't ruin it, Joel, because I am the host of the show. So I can't ruin things. You can ruin things other people. It's impossible. And who do we have to thank for that? Just play the drums, bitch. Exactly.

Thank you, Mom. It's my mom reminding Joel just to play the drums, bitch. Well, that was a good one. Thank you, Pat, my stepfather. All right, let's hear this Johnny Carson. Hey, wait, what do I usually say? Now I'm all confused. All right.

Set him up. Hey, Johnny, who do we have on the show tonight? Well, we, no, that's Ronald Reagan. Now I can't get him. All right. Well, what, let's do, let's do, what, we do an impression of Ronald Reagan on Johnny Carson. Do one where Johnny Carson's interviewing Ronald Reagan. Oh, my God.

Come on, you got this. Don't even think about it. Just do it. Now, now, tell me, Ronald. Yeah. I can't do it. This is. No, you can't.

Johnny, what kind of show do we have tonight? We have a good one, Ed. I can't do it right now, man. All right, it's okay. I am so confused with Ronald Reagan's voice. It's not easy. It's not easy to do either one of those impressions from the early 80s. But you're very good at them.

Can you do any impressions, Katie Hausman? I can do a few. Yeah, go ahead. Let's hear one. Shoot, now I'm going blank, but I know I can do some. How about a Ronald Reagan? Do you have a Ronald Reagan? How about an Ed McMahon?

Nancy. Can you go a little more recent? No, it's okay. You don't know any of that impressions that you can do? Do it, Amy Schumer. Andy Schumer? Yes, famous Andy Schumer, everybody. Here she goes, doing Andy Schumer.

You can basically do anything because Andy Schumer's not a famous person. Hi, I'm Amy Schumer's dad. I'm really proud of her. Oh, that's not a good impression. There's no way he's proud of her. Oh. All right, Katie.

Any other fun facts about you that we should know about? You have any special skills or talents? I'm pretty good at push-ups. Really? Yeah. You do push-ups every day? I try to. How many push-ups can you do?

Oh, right, like, on the spot. I don't know, maybe like 20. Wow. Joel does jujitsu. Joel, why don't you get alongside? Who do we have to thank for those push-ups? Reagan. Jesus, Joel.

You're welcome. Yes, yes, let's fucking do that. Go over there next door and do fucking push-ups, Joel. There he goes. Go on, Joel. No, go do push-ups next door. All right, here's some. Here's some.

There you go, yeah. Do them at the same time. You guys are... God. This is the dumbest show of all time. This is literally the dumbest show. You guys are doing them at different paces, different speeds.

There's no common sense being applied to this push-up competition whatsoever. I was just trying to keep up with Joel. Joel, what did you have before this show? Like Red Bulls or something? Adderall. William gave me an Adderall. No, no, no, no, no. See, the truth is always funny.

Or what did you really have before? Honestly? Yes. Pizza from Vito's pizza. What did you drink? Water? Yeah. Tony,

Tony, ask me what I have above the show. No, I'm going to stick with this Joel thing for just a second longer. Kim, ask me what I have a little bit of a little bit of a show. And I'll set you up just the way you want it baloney, Pete. Joel, what else did you have before the show? I always like to try to figure this out with you. Because some episodes, you're just a perfect little angel. And then some, you're out of fucking control.

So what else happened? Oh, just fun. Okay. Thank you, Joel, for at least when the pressure's on contributing the most. You're welcome. What did you drink before the show? Fun. Before the show, I had a vodka soda.

One? Yeah. And then during the show, I had two shots of vodka. There you go. Okay, there we go. He's drinking vodka. A little Russian meddling. All liquored up.

A little Russian meddling in to kill Tony this evening. Hey, Bologna Pete. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, Joel. No, you go ahead. Okay. Bologna Pete. What did you have before the show?

Explosive diarrhea. Hey, there you go. There you go. All right. Katie. Put that in your fucking article, huh? Yeah. Yeah, when he write about that?

Let me write about the tensions of brewing here on Kill Tony because we have a young... Okay, go ahead. Did you actually have somebody pay for your Starbucks? Is that a real story? Like, I actually had that happen to me once also. And same exact thing. I was thinking about getting like something expensive and then I ended up getting an ice coffee and I was really pissed on.

It actually made me more pissed off that I didn't order today. I actually, the end of that joke is me talking about how I hate paying it forward because I didn't want to look like a bitch to the barista, and I just ordered a tall black coffee, and they paid for that. And then I ended up paying $13 for the people behind me, so I was like, this sucks. Katie, so much fun.

Come back again sometime. How much longer are you in L.A. for? I'm only here till Thursday, but anytime I'm in L.A., I'll definitely be coming here. There she goes. Katie Hausman, everybody. Thank you, Katie.

Back to Canada. Thanks for writing the article. Thank you. We build this city on... Oh, we built this city on rock and roll there you go one name left in the bucket let's knock it out oh ho ho ho what a special treat ladies and gentlemen this guy stepped in during the pandemic and it turned out to be what i'm pretty sure was the MVP contributor contributor running storylines i mean absolutely took over he was on the show

before live in person. And then during the global pandemic while sending in videos, he absolutely was boss level. And now he's back live. I couldn't be more excited for the return of Kill Tony icon Manolo, everybody.

Here he is. There comes Manolo. Step back from that ledge, my friend. Manolo, everybody. Hello. White folks always mess up my name. They do. Like, today I wrote down on the sign-up sheet.

I clearly wrote down the Manolo, but somehow Tony still keeps calling me the Beener. I'm going to start pretending. I'm going to start tricking girls into thinking I'm gay. That way, when they least expected, Boom. I'll fuck their boyfriends. For sure. I remember the first pair of tities I sucked.

Man, I was just a kid. I was so nervous. I mean, I didn't even really want to, but my uncle was so persuasive. Persuasive. Persuasive. I used to date a girl who was a twin. So one day, I came to her house drunk. And fuck their dad.

So my sister in a house and I has twins. So one day I came home to her house drunk. Okay. You can go ahead. You can go ahead. You went to your sister's house who has twins drunk and what did you do? Fuck the twins. Oh my God.

Manolo. Manolo, Manolo. The fuck the dad thing was funny. Before the twins thing. Yeah, you had like three jokes that ended in so I fucked them. That's basically your whole thing. Yes. Funny thing about Manolo is he's somehow ten times funnier on the internet than he is in real life.

This is incredible. I'm still off on the delivery, the language barrier, you know? How many? Or the talent barrier maybe, right? So you drove from Tijuana here today? Yeah. That's incredible. And with Mexican peace.

Really? Yeah, to Mexican peace, but... What are Mexican peace? Prostitutes, but... Oh, wow. Hello, Mexican. Mexican peas. Are they really prostitutes?

The weekends, I think. Did they know what we're saying right now? I think they kind of do. Hello, ladies. Are either one of them, the ones from the videos? She actually made one video? Is that the, is that the, but that's not the one that, like, oh, okay. There was that angry one, and then there was the really nice one.

The Chinese looking girl, right? Yeah, yeah. It seems like there's always one in all the videos and even here today that's on their phone. Like they're just like on there for the one on the left's on her phone Making deals They're the only two that could cross That's the thing The other ones can cross

But they're a little bit pissed Because where are we going Are they even famous or something like that So I showed them a picture of you You were on the Joe Rogan show And she saw you and she didn't recognize you But she said I know the other guy Joe Rogan

So now they think he's Joe Rogan Oh that's perfect yeah This is Joe Rogan Hey what's up Wow I think we found the fourth impression DMT. Hey, what's up? Hey, on it.

It's Joe. Hey, what's up? Just lip sync. So, yeah, just hanging out here with Joe Rogan. So, Joe, what do you think about this episode that we're doing? Okay, people say silly shit. That's all I'm saying. There you go.

All right, Joe, thank you. My goodness, this place is out of control today. It's just a perfect episode right down the barrel from beginning to end. Yes, as good as it gets. Yep. He's Joe Rogan if he represented a brand called Offit. Yes, sir. That's right.

Okay, so Manolo, so it's so interesting. Have you had any relations with these two beautiful Mexican women? Not yet, not yet, but just touched around and stuff like that, but... Touched her. You think that you think they would want to come up and talk to us with you? I don't know. Do you guys want to come up? Yeah.

Yay. This is exciting. All right. Business is about to pick up, ladies and gentlemen, here in the last inning of Kill Tony. Only one's coming. Here comes my friend Consuela. Oh, my God. Look at you.

What a rare beauty. What's your name? Lisette. Lisette. Lisette? Oh, so pretty. What part of Mexico do you live in? Tijuana.

Tijuana. Oh, wow. The Flintstones looks different here. You're so pretty. Thank you. Real Chi-Chi. My goodness. Absolutely incredible.

You are stunning. What do you like about America? Everything is nice. Oh, including the President of the United States. That's very nice of you to say that. That falls under everything. We love Trump. Really?

Manolo, get the microphone and tell us about this. Manolo is telling me that Mexicans love Trump. No, stay, stay, stay, stay, stay. Stay, stay, stay. Stay there. We love Trump. That's it. Why do Mexicans love Trump?

That COVID check, that COVID money. Right. That COVID money. Exactly. These assholes think it's unemployment. No, no, no, sir. No, sir. You got that.

Manolo is what we call a Tio Tomas. What does that mean, Joel? Uncle Tom Beautiful You couldn't even bring more than two Because of that shit So all right back to you Anyway let me shut up

Since I had some vodka I tried to have some fun This looks like a 90-day fiancé interview Does she come to Los Angeles a lot Do you come to America a lot Yes I'm just leaving over there for a little bit Oh okay

You speak the language so well How did you learn English? Since always Oh always You just learned Did they teach it in Tijuana? No, I went to school here Oh, you went to school here

Is this where you were born? I was born in T.A. Yes How did you go to school here? How I went to school here? Yeah Because I moved here when I was little Oh, very cool

Who was president when you moved here? Well, it was probably me I don't remember Oh my God Oh my God. Oh, my God. This is my new favorite thing ever. I like her jelly beans.

Ronald Reagan. We're also five presidents ago. Ronald Rogan. When I was a kid, when I was a kid, that was like the cool guy to do that. DMT. There's a real experience here. We're also reselling stuff. See, she's pissed because she thinks Joe Rogan, right?

But we're also reselling things on Craiglist. What are you guys reselling? The punani. The punani. And gramsill cocaine as well. No. Manolo, come on. Stop being silly.

Are you guys really reselling things? No. No. Well, selling. You know what we're selling. Oh, okay. She's so pretty. How old are you?

27. 27. My goodness. And what do you do for a living? Nothing. Wow. You have beautiful hair. Thank you.

Red band. Red band is. Who's this? What's your sign? I meant Rogan. Rogan. Wow. Do you have a boyfriend?

Do you have a boyfriend in Tijuana? No. Oh, my goodness. So have you been looking for a boyfriend on your trip here to America? No. No, you like being single. Yes. What do you like about being single?

Yeah. He has a Tesla. What? Yeah, I got Tesla. Yeah. Come to my new studio sometime. Yeah, he's here, he's in town. What type of boys do you like?

Do you like white boys or Mexican boys? I don't care. Boys with money. What kind of personality? Like ethnicity ambiguous? Okay. What kind of personality? Okay.

Like a funny guy, a nice guy, a serious. You like tough guys? You like tough guys with tattoos? I don't care if they have tattoos. Muscular? I don't care neither. Okay. But a good sense of humor? Yeah.

How about their voice? Does it have to be deep? No, I don't care. This is awesome. I'm kidding. That's fun. How about when was the last time you were in a relationship? A year or two years, three years? I was married for a long time. Oh, when did you get divorced?

Burley last year. Oh, burly last year. A white guy. That's exciting. A white guy. Oh, was a white guy? How you know? How you know? I don't know. I'm probably Mexican.

Yeah. Oh, it was Mexican? Yeah. No, he's white. Oh, wow. Yeah. White guy. Look at that.

How about you, Manolo? What's your love like been like lately? I like white guys as well. Okay. All right. You already did that four times in your set. How's your luck been with the ladies lately? Single.

Single all the way. But you've been having fun. He's good. Manolo lives in L.A., but he also has a big house in Tijuana with like hot tubs and everything. Yeah. He's Tijuana. He's teahua.

For Mexico, for Mexico, you could afford. In Mexico, you're rich. Not rich, but you can afford. In here, you quit for $1,000. Yes. Yeah, exactly. The money translates differently, I guess. Lesette, what's up with your friend back there?

Have you known her for a while? She doesn't know English. She doesn't? Perfect. Have her come up. Tell her in Spanish to come on up. She's Cuban. Okay.

What is it? Cuban. What did you say? I said Cuban Spanish. Who the fuck is that? Okay. All right. Okay.

Okay. I got to see something. Red band. Why do you do this? She knows. The girl in the back knows. Oh, she did laugh at that. Yeah, she knows exactly what that is.

No, she's saying no, but that means that she does. Well, she knows English because she's saying no. Yeah. What's her name? No is also Spanish. No is also Spanish. Delilah? Delilah?

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That's so cute. You guys know that song, right? All right. All right, Manolo. Nice meeting you. What else?

Anything else crazy happen? You drink anybody's bath water or anything lately? Yesterday, yeah, we had some fun we drank. Not with them, but I drank myself and woke up at 11 and did the two hour line, then the three hour ride. And they were waiting for me for like, I don't know, like two, three hours, right? Wow. That's why they were pissed.

Wow. I think they're happy now. Every hour, chiching. Got to show them around. Lecette, are you excited? You're at the number one comedy club in the world right now. This is a really big deal. I don't know.

I'm scared. No, you handled it very well. You did really good. You handled it very well. You have a boatload of charisma. You're very likable and sweet. You answered every question absolutely pretty. Shit, you answer the question's better than Manolo.

He's been on the show eight times. Manolo just keeps saying, so I fucked him. All right. Maybe with luck, I can say that tomorrow. Well, the peeps. This guy's going to, okay. There he goes. Go ahead, Joel.

I just want to thank Manolo for making me the second most hated Mexican on this show today. You're welcome. Absolutely. Manolo, you are a legend. I'm so glad I get to look you face to face and tell you that during that quarantine, man, you really pulled a lot of weight. I mean, you were truly the most entertaining person sending in things every week, extremely well-produced videos, hilarious storylines,

and you kept us all, you kept the morale up at a time in which Jesus, the times were rough. So thank you so much, Manolo. I'm so glad that you made it up here. Come back again, soon. Were the jokes really bad or? I mean, you did the same joke,

four different ways tonight, Manola. So I went to hang out with some girl's house, and then I fucked a father, and then my sister had twins, so I fucked him. And then there was this girl that I liked, so I fucked it. They fucked their boyfriend.

That was your whole set. I don't mean, it's not even a misdirect if you're doing the same formula. Again and again and again. It's like Andrew Dice Gay. So I fucked him. Oh! All right.

There goes Manolo, everybody. Bye, Lesette. Thank you. Damn. From that ledge. Do you want to go half-season? Oh, God, no. I wouldn't split a fucking subway sandwich with you, Red Band.

What are you talking about? Get the bottom? I'll get the top. Oh, yeah. Perfect. Just your droolful. Just fucking sound of fucking... Those boobs are the perfect boots.

Oh, you are a giant child. All right, everybody, it is that time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special one. This guy, an absolute fucking monster. We save him for last, everybody. And this is his 50th appearance on Kill Tony. It's the Dragon Slayer himself, the great Michael Larry. everyone.

Tony, I know start in an argument. Okay. What you said in my Saturday

and that line is bullshit with people like Eddie Brian and Sutherling Strong

and Vanessa Ben and Chris Redder great people and I rock one of them and they're great comic like Michael Bryan and they make good skis and fuck you a new 20 year to relationship. Yeah, no, you're absolutely right. I know how talented all those people are because I saw them at Open Mike six years ago when they started. So that's great.

You're right. They're super talented. They really just got fast track because they're so brilliant. Ouch. Is that your two? I always believe a man that hits himself in the face with a microphone. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I know those people, they're talented. Well, you know. The writing is just brilliant on that show.

I mean, I think to myself, how do they come up with these skits? Yeah, but I know comedy is a fickle mistress. and I know a lot in these people It's both people and fucking dope communities So Tony I don't give him my boss I step to you

I step you I'll fight you You'll fight me I step to you You'll step to me? By the way Michael Lairer lost 100 bucks to me in a bet I didn't want to bet him.

He kept trying to bet me. I go, I'm not betting you on this. He kept betting me $100 that my friend, the last stylebender, Israel Adasania, would lose in this recent UFC fight. Why would you ever try to do that bet? And by the way, first of all, yes, Red Band. I've never agreed with you more on anything. And second of all, even though technically to the outside perspective,

it was a tough fight for Adasania. Look what happened. I mean, it perhaps was the most one-sided main event in years. One, one. I see a friend Joe Rogan. Yeah.

He's right here. He's sitting next to me. What's up? Joe. Yeah. It's Joe Hogi. Does M.

The peppers. Sold sloppy Joe Rogan. Hey. Wait, Tony, did I had this question. Sloppy Joe Rogan. I'm sick. Oh, okay.

Michael. What? What? Oh, Joel, here we go. It's a real question. Here's a question. You want some money because when it happened, you predicted it almost exactly how it happened. You told me exactly what would go down and that's what went down.

I wanted to know. That's exactly right. I told Michael the same thing and he decided to bet me $100. Did you get that money? You know, what's funny is I told him this earlier. Michael is such a gentleman that I got that Venmo while Israel out of Sonia was still break dancing in the middle of the octagon. He literally spun around. His opponent.

It really is hilarious, and he's still going. I don't know if anybody has been following this on the internet. But Israel, Sanya, usually very sportsman-like. But this guy wanted to become the champion and talked so much shit. He made sketches. Did you see the sketch? He humped him after he knocked him out. Yeah, but his opponent, Paulo Costa, actually made videos where he had in his training camp,

there was a skinny, tall black man. And so they made this video where he's. chasing around the tall, skinny black man shaped like Stylebender, and the guy's running away and he runs out of the octagon. So today, stylebender, Stylebender was reposting these sketches

with like crying emoticons and all this. Just hilarious. And then there's this guy over here that wanted to bet me. You know, I give him the script before the UFC's who's going to win and who's going to lose. Yeah.

And you know that if I wanted to, at any point, not to say that I did, but maybe I did, I can text Joe Rogan any time I want. Like how some people would go, if I was friends with Joe Rogan, maybe I would text him. Well, I sort of text him so rarely

that when I do, when I think that at all, like, hey, maybe I want to place a bet on this. Maybe I should text Joe. I just can. And then I do. And it's like getting insider information by a man that has been right next to the octagon since the beginning of the sport.

One, one fine. 100% of the bets that we've had again. against each other I've worn. Yeah, but even Joe Rogan doesn't get shrunk on every fine. How do you know that? You don't hear his predictions. He doesn't make predictions unless you're really close with him. I listen and he does.

No, he says what might happen. No, he always says. He was wrong about Nagano and Steve made me okay. What did he say? He said Nagano would run to him. Where did he say this at? On his fucking fucker. There's no way he said that.

Stipe's one of the greatest heavyweights of all time. He didn't say Nagano would walk in. Let's find that. Find that for me. Okay. Also, I have a new bet. Michael versus ALS. Who wins that, Tony?

Well, I think... ALS is going to be break dancing after this one. Hey. Are we now? We never met. We haven't. I'm excited to meet you. Kim?

You're very funny. The great Michael Lair, Kim Kong. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. All right. You remind me of every girl I went to junior high and the Queens. Yeah, she's got Queens. That makes sense.

She's been in New York for a few years now. I can see that. I have, no doubt. No doubt, no doubt. No doubt. Well, Michael, what do you think? Should we do this? This is Michael's 50th appearance

on Kill Tony. I have a picture from my first appearance on this show. Okay. He's got a picture. A picture from his first appearance on the show.

He's pulling it out. It's in his butt. There's the picture. Let's see it. Here it comes. Whoa, there he is. That's what he looked like. Just 50 short weeks ago.

I thought it was rocky at first. Yeah, what is that from? What is that? Why do you have Robert the Builder's beard on top of your head in that picture? Okay. No. What the fuck was that picture of?

Why do you have that picture? What the hell? It looks like Lou Abay and ours. Yeah. Okay. Michael, go ahead. I'm sorry. Let me stand up, right.

Wait, what? You're going to stand up? No, shut up. Okay. For my... For my... I thought you said let me stand up real quick. Am I the only one that heard that?

That'd be fun if he surprised you. No, you know, he was fine this whole time. No, I'm kidding, Michael. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, pilot, Jess. No, don't stand. No, don't stand.

You don't have to. Oh, you worry, no. You and your fucking pocketbook. Pocket book? You and your pocketbook. Me and my pocketbook. Yeah, now you have all his cash, man. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Me, it's a liability. It's a liability. Anyway. And for my 50th parents, it was what I did. For all the fans and all these wonderful people

and all these great times, I wrote 50 facts about Kiltoni. And we're going to 50 facts. 50 fucking facts? Yeah. Oh my God.

And we're going to count off everyone. Are you guys with me? Yeah. Are you socially distance with me? Yeah. Indeed, I have been sent a document that I have not looked at

beforehand and it says Michael Lair, 50th appearance, presents 50 Kill Tony Facts. I have a feeling it's going to feel like 100 facts. I've a family, you have no fucking idea what you're talking about. That is true. This is going to be unbelievable.

I'm positive of it. All right. Here we go. Here it is. Michael Lair's 50th appearance presents 50 Kill Tony Facts. Kill Tony Facts. Kiltony fact number one. The original name of the Kill Tony podcast was Manic Mondays with Mr. Moody.

Two. Joelberg was born white but turned Mexican after over exposure to Frogtown. Three! Jet ski has had six neck surgeries because her glasses are so big and heavy. One. Jeremiah Watkins' real name is Jerry Jewface. Five. William Montgomery hoards leftover pizza crust from Vito's pizza.

Six. The Iron Patriot raped Michael Lair. Seven. David Lucas won't take photos with fans, but will steal their sneakers. Hey. Ali Makovsky doesn't have eyebrows. Those are caterpillars. No. Chroma Chris fucked his way through all four branches of the armed forces. Ten.

Jeremiah Watkins' marriage is on the brink because of his hoarding of wigs and other women's apparel. Seven. Thirty-five percent of comics pulled from the bucket of destiny are also sex workers. That's actually true. Ryan J. E. Belt is the Zodiac Killer. Thirteen. Both Tony and Brian are married. to Westworld robots. 14.

Due to an overactive gland by 2025, Jeremiah Watkins will be eight feet tall. 15. Virtual red bands sucked Max Headroom's dick. 16. William Montgomery's belly is distended because it's stuffed with cocaine-filled condoms.

17. Most of Tony and Brian's fights are over who gets Michael Lair's load. All right. Wait a second. In a partnership with the NAACP, Tony is pledged to change the name of roasting to broasting. 19.

What? Jetsky's trumpet is a civil war relic of the Confederacy and a non-verbal not to white supremacy. 20. Kill Tony is considering changing its name to fuck it, three silent hours of Tony golfing. 21.

You have no idea. During Corona, Tony's been performing private concerts for friends and family of O.J. Simpson. Twenty two. Jeremiah Watkins. marriages on the brink due to his obsession with having a saxophone

of every size. The comedy store keeps having to buy bigger chairs because of the alarming growth of West Hollywood butts. Red band is known as the podfather, but he's also fathered enough Asian babies to form an Olympic ping pong team. 25.

Joelberg, Lollinger. his hair because of former Kill Tony's sponsor Monster Energy Shampoo. 26, the bucket of destiny was both stolen from and made by a child. 27. There's only one rule at the comedy store. Don't talk shit about Robocop. He lives above the place. William Montgomery has a six-foot-tall janga game made out of leftover Vito's pizza crust.

Ninety-eight. 29. The Kiltony Catana's sword was stolen from the grave of a World War II POW. 20. It's 30. 30 comes after 29. Thanks to Kill-Toney legend Manolo, Kill-Toney is the number one podcast among Mexican narcos.

91. Many bucket comics live in their cars. Several live in Aphrodite's Afro. 90. 32. Jeremiah Walkins' marriage is on the brink because his wife just wants to get crunked and kiss the sky motherfucker. Virtual redband has warrants out for its arrest in four states.

Okay. What? 34. And one of the 35 is bad. Fuck you. All right. As irony would have it, the cure for ALS. was also in the bucket the night Michael Lair's name was pooled.

35. Tony has settled $2 million worth harassment lawsuits with 17 different kill-tony photographers. What? That's true. William Montgomery was fired from the storage facility for filling storage units with leftover veto's pizza crust. Jolberg operates the drum pedal with his anaconda of a cock. 38.

David Lucas and Michael Lairer helped push. out each other's poos. Seriously. Be cool and act natural, but Ryan J. Ebelt really is the Zodiac Killer. Number 40. The secret puppet master behind the scenes of all podcasts is Gino from Speedweed,

an evil tyrant controlling people with drugs. 41. Kill Tony has only been allowed to continue during corona because the audio is so bad it doesn't count as entertainment. Red band. Number 42. David Deary is missing.

Why are we not looking for him? That's true. Is that true? Yeah. No. Tony, here's 43. Tony has been saved from assassination three times, thanks to the impenetrable Ridge wallet.

That is absolutely true. The only way to have your name. name removed from the wall of the comedy store is a class B felony or higher. Okay. All right. That one hits close to home. Number 45. Kiltoni Fun Fact.

Kiltoni's fan base is mostly mentally ill fathers and whores with daddy issues. Oh, boy. Wow. Way to really connect with the lovers of the show, Michael. Despite appearances, no actual homosexuals are part of the Kill Tony Ensemble. That is a real, that's a true fun fact. Carol McGrice was born a brunette but turned ginger due to Agent Orange. Ooh, that was number 47.

Number 48, virtual Redband is facing some alarming allegations from Hello Kitty. She wanted it. Number 49. If the world talked to Michael Lair like the world talks to Brian Redband, Michael Laird would shoot up all the schools. Number 50. For episode 500 of Kill Tony, Gareth Purse House returns to tell his side of the story.

could happen. It could happen. And Michael Laird does it again. An extremely well-produced. That's hilarious, Michael. It did. You know what? It felt like 49 to me. It felt like 49 fun facts. How about a big hand for Michael Lair, everybody?

Unbelievable job, Michael. And congratulations on your 50th appearance on Kill Tony. Without a doubt, you can quote me on this forever. 50 of my favorite appearances by anyone in this show's history. I absolutely love you, and you know this. because I tell you every day, because we text and talk on Facebook. I've finished my work yesterday, so I've been drinking this morning. He's been drinking since this morning, and something about Ziti and popcorn, I do believe he said.

Michaelaircom for all of his amazing merch and videos, follow him on social media. Let's check out tonight's drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. Here it comes. Wow, look at that. Oh, I'm golfing. That's incredible. The great Kim Kongden is in it. It's Donkey Kong.

Oh, that is awesome. It is Donkey Kong. Wow. That is an incredible one. The great Ryan J.E. Belt. He's not really the Zodiac Killer, people. He might be. I'm starting to put together the puzzle in my head.

But Ryanjeebelt.com for all those incredible prints. How about a big hand for the great Kim Kongdon, everyone? Yeah, thank you. Plug something. Oh, yeah. You guys can follow me on Twitter. at Kimberly Congdon on Instagram at Kim Congdon and check out my podcast, broad topics

anywhere you find podcasts, iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, YouTube, Spotify, and also on the Gas Digital Network, use promo code topics for a 14-day free trial. Absolutely doodily. His new one-hour special family reunion

is available for pre-order now at Jeremiah Watkins.com. It comes out in December, everybody. It's Jeremiah Watkins. The host of Jeremiah Wonders What else, Jeremiah? I got some new shirts and sax hats over at Jeremiah Watkins.com or you can get them through Instagram at Jeremiah Standup.

Appreciate the love for Jeremiah Wonders. Love you guys. Thank you. The great Jeremiah Watkins does it again. And hey, look, Croma Chris was here all night. Croma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Oh, we really raise the roof, Tony. What else?

Yeah, you can also, you could scroll over to that Orange Amps YouTube page and you'll probably see a new promo video of me. It was shot and directed by Rick Kosick. Amazing. I fucking love it. And here he is. Old vodka Gravis back there, everybody. The old fucking Jackoff Smyrnaff back there. Joel Bergberg, Joel Jimenez, everyone.

Can I talk now? Really picked his moments tonight. Go ahead, Joel. Sometimes it's just fun to watch stuff burn, you know? Mostly Sorry Pot. I love you guys. I love you too, Tony. I'll mouth kiss you after this.

I don't care about a pandi. Thank you, Joel. You know, we can always rebuild it. That's right. Absolutely. Fun times. What else, Red Band? Check out my virtual Red Band podcast.

See me molest. Hello Kitty. Also, check out the Brothers Podcast, Brothers in Cursef with William and David. We also have a new Patreon. Patreon.com, Brothers Incursive. And Brian Holtzman, Dead Air. Deathsquad.TV. Thanks.

Beautiful stuff going on. over there. And I also have a new Patreon, the old, the brand new Roast University. We just marked a three month anniversary and the higher tier got their bumper stickers sent to them. Proud student

of Roast University. You got to give me one of those so I could put it on my car. I do. I have one right here. Right now. Here, have one. There you go. Proud student of Roast... Throw this right on there. Tony Hinchp. Roast University. I would put it on my car, but my car is filled with

Trump 2020 bumper stickers, so, and key marks. So that's it. No, I'm kidding. But yeah, go over to patreon.com slash henchcliff and find out more about that. And, uh, yeah. So we'll see you guys next week.