KILL TONY - KILL TONY #479

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

Mat Edgar, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/02/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.TV. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to Ryan J.Ebelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad. comed.com. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left.

That's at Shop Squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode with Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclad. Yeah, yippie-dudad day. How exciting to be back here at the beautiful comedy store with you, Brian, a Red Band. Oh, I love being here with you also.

That's right. We've been riding e-bikes together all week. We even rode an e-carousel this week. Oh, my God. We bought an e-carousel with all the money that we've saved from the years of working very hard. We bought an electric carousel with tiny little ponies on it. It took, we got to ride it for 10 minutes, and it took seven days to charge and very exciting stuff. I am all stuffed up with delicious Vito's Pizza.

I've been going there all week. I tried a bunch of new stuff this week. I tried the lasagna. I tried the Romeo sandwich. Is that right, Charlie? The Romeo. Oh, my God. I ate half of it.

Took the other half on the golf course with me the next morning. Yum, yum, yum in my little tum-tum. Vito's Pizza, three times a week now for me. I'm becoming a little Italian piglet. Or is it known in Italian, a pigaletta. Pigoleta. And I'm all stuffed up on caveman coffee, all filled to the brim and energized.

And I'm also moderately stone. Thanks to my friends over at Speedweed, the great Gino, the director of operations over at Betterbox Studios, which helped us during this pandemic, filmed some shows when the comedy store was completely enclosed. And yeah, I'm excited about things.

We have five people that signed up for tonight's show. We have a guest ready to go. But before we do... Oh, how could I forget this? He's holding his own lamplight. I could barely see him over there. Hey, General Bogus. It's already on him.

Okay. Hey, look, everybody. It's Ryan J.E. Belt. There he is. Whoa. He draws every single episode of the show and all those prints are available at Ryan J.E.Bel.com. Very, very exciting stuff.

And, yeah, like I said, Ryan Jay, the guest is ready. We got names in a bucket. Everything's ready to go. But before we start tonight show, let's get a word from the amazing sponsors that made this episode possible for you for free right now. Good evening, y'all. If you're having a tough time getting through lockdowns and social distancing, well, then I want to tell you about some products from our friends over at Infinite CBD. You remember Infinite CBD. Infinite CBD has the cleanest, purest CBD available. If you've never heard of CBD. It's derived from hemp plants and packs all the benefits of marijuana without getting high. You know all about this, Red Dan. Yeah. And Infinite CBD has a ton of different products

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I know them. They're great. You can contribute to the show by using our sponsor's products. Let's start tonight's show. Are you guys excited about this? There are, I don't know. I don't know, maybe 12 people in a room built for five. 540, and I just could not be more excited about that.

Let's start tonight show. Ladies and gentlemen, your guest tonight, one of my best friends, a guy that I started with, an unbelievably talented comedian. His new album is out and available everywhere now. It's called Take the L, his debut album. Truly, one of my best friends, former roommate, and me and this guy got hired right around this exact same time at the Comedy Store. So we were Comedy Store co-employees, were co-paid regulars.

Truly, my brother from another mother, the great Matt Edgar, everybody. Here we go. Matt Edgar. This is a guy that I got into smoking pot 13 years ago. I took him to his first Pink Floyd concert. I lived with him. I was on the couch. He had his own bedroom.

And look at us now. Here we are. Just two brothers hanging out. Skinny little, metrosexual-looking dudes. We've been called gay. numerous times. Especially when you had really long hair when I first met you. Yeah, I was way gayer back then.

Yeah. Very, very, very tight jeans. Yeah. We once got kicked out of a water burger in Texas because the cop thought that we were gay. Yeah, the cop thought that we were gay our first time at a waterburger. And the next day, our buddy took a call from the chief of police of that police department to try to figure out what happened. And the chief of police goes, yeah, my guy said there were a couple faggots of, fighting in a water burger so he had to kick him out and we were like pro wrestling fans we were like goofing around like slot boxing each other or something we were a young bucks yeah yeah one of

uh one of those defining nights yeah a couple 23 24 year old little punklets out there in texas and we really stood out matt had really skinny jeans on which basically was a crime in texas yeah 12 years ago skinny jeans was like burning an american flag um Very excited that you're here, Matt. The album Take the L is available everywhere. And very, very cool stuff. I'm excited about it. You recorded that in New York?

Yes, I did at the New York Comedy Club. Sweet. For a friend Amy's joint. That's right. It's awesome. Great place. Another great person, another great club. Did you do it during quarantine?

Or was this like before? Nope. I did it about this time last year, actually. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it's been a while to... It's been a while. It's been a while.

And it's been a while since you were a guest on the show. I don't know if you remember this or not, but there's a band on this show, Matt Edgar. In every single episode, they commit to being different characters, and we never know what they're going to be. They've been in the back getting ready this entire time, and they're about to come out right now. You want to know what the band's going to be tonight?

Please. Well, let's all find out together as I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Kroa McGriss, and Jetsky, Jesse Johnson. All right. Normally, this is the part where I start to figure out what they are.

I don't know what they could possibly be. It appears as though Jeremiah is a homeless version of Calisi from Game of Thrones. What the hell? What are you? Oh, wait a second. Are you guys homeless? Yeah. No, we're rappers. Now, what you here is not a test.

This is a blanket. Not a vest. I'm a blanket, Tony. You're a blanket. I'm a blanket. Okay, Jeremiah's a blanket. Here we go. This is very exciting.

This is exciting. And what are you, little lady? I'm aluminum foil, and I'm here to save. You're a food. Aluminum foil. I'm writing down your names. Aluminum foil. And then clearly back here we have, what are you, a Christmas present?

I'm rapping paper Bust out the Bacardi It's time to party Wow I could tell you guys spent At least minutes Preparing for these roles tonight I love it

And then I have no idea What this could possibly be back here Why don't you give us your name Young boy I'm freaking saran rap Dude you can't tell from looking at me You don't have a rap or anything Like the rest of the cast?

I am rap Okay Wow It's official As we near episode 500, the band is running out of characters. Do you hear this man's crap? I'm saran rap. How about that?

Hey, there he goes. He did it. There you go. All right. So we have a blanket, aluminum foil, wrapping paper, and saran wrap. I'm a blanket. Yeah, we know. We got that part.

And we have Matt Edgar with his new album, Take the L, available everywhere. We have Red Band, Ryan J. We have Rick Cossack, David Deary, and Lieutenant General, Zach Bogus, all running around ready to go, so let's start the fucking show. You guys are ready for this, huh? Going first tonight, you're about to be absolutely shocked as kicking off tonight's show is a man that a lot of people say is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a young man coming fresh off of his first ever headlining gig this weekend.

This is a man that writes a brand new 60 seconds every week has his own defined style, brand new jokes, his work ethic has not taking a single, break during this entire pandemic, and we're about to get a new minute from them right now. As I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the big red machine, the one, the only, the great, the powerful, the slow walking. William Montgomery, everybody, here he is. Really nice to be here tonight. Can you imagine being a VJ on MTV, which is sort for music television, and then being fired because they no longer play music on television? Bad news, my show on BET got canceled because they're going to start airing reruns of the Andy Griffith Show.

I'm so afraid of COVID. I called the cops because I think it's black. You know the craziest part about Elliott Smith's suicide? Courtney Love did it. That's a good joke. I don't know how many people get that, but if you get that, that's a hell of a joke. I'm a big baseball fan, and by baseball fan, I mean doing drugs. appearance corport. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery. All right.

Wow. Incredible. I could barely hear you over the sound of the band moving around. Yeah, what the fuck are they doing? In every direction. It is a lot of a lot of noise back there, except for you, blanket. I'm just a little quiet blanket over here. There you are, absolutely.

William, I might have to edit in a new intro. Maybe I made that a little bit too good. A killer minute every week, headlining weekend and all this. That was a really good sense. Then you come in guns of blazing with an MTV. Everything was like your misdirect today. It was your one awkward hard hitter with no real. It was cool, though.

You know, it's a tough position that you're in. Did you get cable this week? I noticed MTV, BET references. What is that? I did. My favorite network is BED. Because he's a blanket. Because he's a blanket and blankets go on the bed.

William, what did you do this week? had the headlining set in Eureka So tell us about it I'm sure the listeners are excited to know they've been following your growth for years now your first headlining set Tell us the truth about how it went

It was fun I was able to manage I managed to do 45 minutes I brought my synthesizer Which I brought on the show before My synthesizer was malfunctioning I tried to make it work

It kind of worked I want to warn you all Nobody had masks on. I'm pretty sure it was a super spreader event. So whoever, whomever is talking after me is fucked. I've already started feeling sick. Now they change the microphones between every comedian.

Oh, okay, okay. Which is this outdoors or indoor show? It was indoors. What? Yeah, it was nothing like L.A. They're more lax in Eureka, I guess. Yeah, for sure. They're more relaxed everywhere than L.A.

Did you hear people come? coughing or perhaps having symptoms of the coronavirus during the show where there are people sweating and taking their own temperatures? Yeah, there were a couple of black people who seemed really sick. Oh, my goodness, William. I don't think we can put you in the one spot anymore. No, I mean, that's not even a joke. They seemed really sick.

I like how he said he managed to get through 45 minutes. Well, one of his, one of the repeat problems, he's a repeat offender, William. One of the catches with him is that he tends to just do the bare minimum of time. So even on an average Kiltony set, for some reason, he usually clocks in about 52 seconds. And I would be really interested.

Did you record that set? It was recorded. What did you record it on your phone? No, some guy. Some guy? No, the guy who ran the bar, he recorded it on a GoPro. Have you watched it yet?

I never watch any of my sets. We can. You should watch them. Because I think I would, what does that mean? I mean, take some notes. I don't want to watch them. Why?

Because I think I'd quit comedy. Why? I don't know. Because I never, when I go back over my notes, I think they're not that good. And I think, what am I doing out here? I need to be back in Memphis as a teacher. Why? Is that because I think it's because he's sober when you watch his sets, right?

Yeah, you got to get as fucked up as usual, then watch him. No, don't do that. He has a serious alcohol problem. Yeah, I have a problem. Don't tell me that. So, William, let me ask you this. You did the set. what do you think the odds are that you actually did like 43 or 44 minutes and you're stretching it out saying 45?

I think I actually did 32 minutes. There you go. I think that's that's right. I did 32 minutes. You really believe that or are you being silly right now? No, I did 32 minutes. William, over here. Don't look that direction.

I did 32 minutes. No, I did 45. 45, exactly 45. Yeah, 45, 46. When did you get the light? 40? Did they say wrap it up? All right, maybe just a regular rim shot after jokes like that, Joel.

No, it's fun, though. It gave me a bit of confidence. I did, I think, 125 jokes. Wow, that's great. So I was reading out of my notebook. Uh-huh. And who did you take with you to Eureka? Did you go by yourself?

Did you take your-er-eco? Your girlfriend. My girlfriend. Yeah? We had fun. Did you drive her there? I drove the entire way. I was able to get Addera.

I was able to procure Adderall from a friend. Uh-huh. So I was taking that. I got on 70s road trip on Spotify. Jesus. Smoking six, drinking beers. You were drinking beers while driving? Blacking out.

What time of the day did you drive there? Starting at 7 in the morning. Seven in the morning and you took Adderall after that? Oh yeah. I was blacked out by probably two in the cow country of California. And then did you guys stay at a hotel in Eureka? We did. We stayed in one in Fort Bragg.

Oh, wow. What was that like? We went to a hell of a pizza place. Was it called Vito's Pizza on Las Siena? I hate Vito's Pizza, so I wish you wouldn't bring that up. What do you possibly hate about Vito's Pizza? It gives me diarrhea. But you eat it every Monday.

And that racist piece of shit who's always here, I really don't like him. Every single Monday you eat the pizza, though. I really don't like that guy. And I'm looking at him through the lights right now. I can see. He sees me. I'm looking right at Charlie. He's laughing.

Charlie, you are racist as a motherfucker. He's laughing at you saying that. Well, I'm glad he is. Normally, I would be defensive of him and defensive of Vito's Pizza, but the last time you called a sponsor racist, we ended up selling a lot of their products and got a bonus from me. Cool, I saw a bunch of that money. Thank you.

Well, yeah, no, you don't get to see the money. I saw a bunch of that money. Thanks. In no way would you ever get a touch of any of that money. Yeah, I get it. It's an honor and a privilege for you to be here. It is. I appreciate it.

Yeah. I got a bunch of weed. I got a bunch of mushrooms from people in Eureka. Uh-huh. Did you have some Kill Tony fans come out and support you? There were, I think that's all it was. Right. No shit.

They sold it out. How else could people possibly know William Montgomery? Yeah, no shit. No shit. Can you say that? We're on the same team. Yeah. It was fun.

Yeah. How come you never bring your girlfriend here to kill Tony with you to the comedy store? I think it's because David Lucas talks a bunch of shit about her. Oh, shit. Your own brother and cursive of the hit test squad. Well, my black brother. Brothers and cursive. My black brother.

No, we know he's black. He's a real womanizer. So who's the girl that you brought, the hot blonde chick that you've been hanging out with all night? Perfect. Erica, we'll see this in three weeks. Erica, that is a lie. I came here by myself. I don't know why you say that fucking red band.

Why do you do that? I had a hell of a week with Erica. We drove in the car for, I don't know, 12 hours. Did you guys have sex this weekend? Good question. Blanket. We have sex every day. Hey, did you wrap it up?

All right. I was going to do it on the second one, but I'm going to let the rappers know that you guys have used that exact joke three times. And we started the show. Yeah, but was it used with a condom? I don't like so, Danny. I don't think that. I don't think I want. I don't think I want.

All right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, another very interesting. Oh, how could I possibly forget? I almost cut this interview short. Speaking of shorts. Did I get some more? We got another package this week. Open it up.

I do believe it is going to be shorts. Yeah, unwrap that. Wow. Should we give it to the blonde chick? you. It's very exciting. Redmond stop. You want to read the note?

Okay, I'll read the note. Kill Tony Crew. Heard William needed some shorts. Wow, look at that. Did we get that on video? That was incredible. Did you get that on camera? They got it.

Heard William needed some shorts. I figured I'd take this opportunity to ask for a shout-out for my business. I sell streetwear and vintage at Feener's Freshest. F-E-N-E-R-S-F-E-R-S-F-E-E-R-S-F. on Instagram. Huge fan of the show. Love y'all.

Keep killing it. Edward, appreciate it. Thanks for the 2xL, Edward. And he let us know that he also does a shoe and hat restoration. So for the negative three people that want to get their shoes and hats restored right now during the pandemic,

make sure you check out Feener's freshest. Thanks, Feiner. Thanks, Feiner. Okay, you're going to go try those on so we could get a little show in a little bit? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

William Montgomery, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of my favorite moments of that interview was watching my good friend, Matt Edgar's face at the very interesting diabolical ways of William Montgomery. He's what we call an unorthodox creature. No, for a second, I like, am I dumb? Wow, the blonde girl and William are fighting right now. Okay, Red Band.

Jesus. Pull the name out of the bucket. your first comedian of the people in the bucket being pulled out tonight that we're going to see goes by the name of Nikki Fuchs. Nikki Fuchs. 60 seconds uninterrupted by Nikki Fuchs. Hey. Hi. So my dad is a Vietnam War veteran with PTSD and totally blanking on this joke right now.

Oh my God. You make me so nervous, Tony. Anyways, so the PTSD dad story, how's that supposed to go? Fuck, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening right now. I hate my life. What should I do? Yeah, breathe. Okay, so I'm Nikki, and this haircut is called the Peter Pansexual

in case you wanted it. Yeah, I don't know. This haircut's fucking gay. That's what I found out most of the time. It's so fucking gay that guess what, bisexual people can have this haircut too, you know? Fuck, I really ruined this. Totally did, yeah. Okay, that's exactly a minute.

Nikki Fuchs. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. What is this PTSD joke? What do you think happened here? I got, you make me nervous, Tony. How do I possibly make you nervous? Because I was like, I don't want you to be mean to me. But look what happened.

You're so worried about me being mean. You fulfill your own prophecy. I know. Is this not a real story? No, it is. How can you not remember a real story? Because it has like... What do you think is going to be worse?

The PTSD from whatever happened with your dad or the PTSD from talking about PTSD on this show? Well, I actually also have PTSD. Yeah, Tony. She really sheet the bed. Oh, shit. That's a blanket if you're wondering why that's funny. because you cheat the bed from a blanket that stays on beds. So let's try to figure out, by the way, you know what?

I give you a 10-star recovery there, Peter Pansexual, gay as fuck haircut, absolutely. You recovered, you spun right out of it. You lowered expectations and got a big laugh. In fact, that was a bigger laugh than William got through his entire set. Yeah, but I was like really determined to tell you this. Well, let's get it out of you right now. Go right ahead. You've had a moment to think.

You've taken a breath. You've had months to prepare for this. Perhaps years. How long have been doing stand-up? Six years. Six years. I know. And you blanked out.

No, I know. Okay. So my dad. She blanketed it out. Oh, my God. Blanket. Blanket. I got this covered.

Blanket. All right. Blank is just warming them up. Whoa. Okay. I do remember it. That was good. Go ahead, Nikki.

I do remember it. So I have him, he's a Vietnam War veteran, and he has PTSD. He's my dad, like I mentioned. And honestly, having a dad with PTSD is a lot like having a regular dad. I know that sounds crazy, but like back in the day, we didn't know that shit was PTSD, so we just called him fucking weird, you know? We were just like, Dad, stop being fucking weird. Stop talking about those dead people, you know?

And the deal was. when we would go to bed at night. This was like the deal with the family. If you woke up in the middle of the night, don't go downstairs and go pee, or dad might choke you out. That was like the deal. It didn't happen to me,

but I didn't realize at the time that it was just like my version of the Milton Bradley's board game, don't wake daddy. Do you remember that game? I don't. I do. I remember the commercial a little bit,

but I don't think, I don't know anybody that ever actually The guy kind of looked like Tony a little bit if you think about it. Oh, my God. And then I had a tag that somebody gave me that was just like... God damn, I'm not going to let a piece of fucking saran wrap make fun of me. What do you mean? It looked like Tony.

Let me see this fucking thing. I mean, he was tall and skinny. What the fuck is this? Whoa! That does look like me. I'm daddy. Oh, shit. Oh, that looks like me.

I can already see the cover. I can already see the cover of this episode. Oh, man. That looks like you. Don't wake daddy. That's me. Wow. Look at that.

You should have played. What? You should have played the game. No, it looks like a horrible game. Still, horrible game. I mean. I played all the other games. Yeah, I've actually never even seen or heard that.

And I, you know, I'm a board game. I love games. You've never seen, don't, you've never heard the commercial. You know, we should do. We should have a special board game episode of Kill Tony. One of these days where we just play board games. That's a good idea. And we just let people, instead of having people,

prepare for six years and come up and flatline. Maybe it was a trick this whole time, so I could get more time. So let's talk about it, Nikki. Where have you been doing this stand-up comedy that you speak of? I moved here about two years ago. From where? Baltimore.

Baltimore. And your father really was in Vietnam? Yeah. And so he's an older guy? He's 69. Nice. Sweet. Oh, y, y, a-a-a-di, abidi, abidi, abidi, abidi, abidi, abidi, abidi, abdi, abdi, abdi.

Okay, so he's 69 years old. Is he still with your mother? No, my mom's dead. Whoa. Did he choking? Abidi, op-de-op-de-op-de-boi-eye-eye. That also makes me hard when I find out that a mom's dead. No, I'm kidding.

How did she die? So she actually died of a drug overdose. Wow. What kind of drugs? She mixed, she mixed a volume with a cat trinkylizer, phenol barbitol, if you've ever heard. Meow. Wow.

Cat tranquilizer. She put that pussy to sleep. You know what I'm saying? Hello. Oh, that's a good one. But she was a veterinarian, so it made sense. It made sense. Wait, what made sense?

She was a veteran. She must have done a lot, though. She was in Vietnam, too? No. She was only 34 when she died. Oh, my goodness. How old were you when that happened? 11.

Wow. So do you think you have more PTSD from your Vietnam vet father? or PTSD from your mom dying at 11? Both. Equal. I found her dead. So, like, I definitely have PTSD from that. Did you put a blanket over her face?

Oh, my God. Don't mind him. He's a blanket. No, I like making jokes about their moms. We don't like going on dead people. Does she have that dap, that dead-ass pussy? Oh, my God. That's actually pretty good too.

Was she, like, was she freshly dead or was she, like, blue or something? Yeah. Yeah, she died on Valentine's. day and she didn't feel well. So we like went off for like a whole like our regular thing we were going to do for Valentine's Day. And we came back and me and my brother were like, mom, we have presents. Like let's. And we went up there and she was like in her bed.

Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. So don't be fucking mean to me bitch. No, I mean, I mean, what can I. Yeah. I mean, that actually means that I should be meaner. Right.

At least she was in the bed. It means that you can handle it. You've been numbed by the pains of a God roasting you. Yeah, first, that's a great way to put it. I know. All right. Hey, you two kind of look alike, too. It's true.

I also have been called Peter Pansexual. Oh, you have? No. But you know what? It's very interesting. Six years, how do you make money? I'm a science. Well, I'm an engineer now.

Okay. Were you going to say scientists there for a second? Yeah, I was a scientist before I moved here, but then I took a job as an engineer here. What type of science were? you doing? I make drugs. Oh, what kind of drugs? It's full circle. Well, I was making biologics, but now I actually make oncology cell therapy drugs. Okay. So you're treating people's cancer? Yes. But they treat themselves. Basically, we take the cells that cure their cancer. Like our natural body actually does that T cells, right? And we genetically modify those T cells to kill their cancer

after they've received chemo or radiation, and it hasn't worked. It hasn't worked? Yeah, that's the only way they'll, like, the world will let them use this drug as if chemo and radiation hasn't worked. Oh, and does that work after that doesn't work? It does. There's about an 80% efficacy rate for the one that we have on, that's FDA approved. Wow.

So if chemo and radiation don't work, they give you this, and this works, 80% of the time. It extends their life. It doesn't keep them for me. This is like when the opener is funnier than the headliner. Oh, when the self-therapy is the last resort. Oh, yeah. Well, that works.

When the third option is the best option. Yeah, like, what the fuck. Yeah. So it's really messed up. But that's just the way basically biotech industry works in America right now. It's like you have, because you make so much money off chemo and radiation. Stay still. Yeah, because we might have to turn off the microphone for you because it's constant noise. So annoying.

You really didn't think this through before rapping yourself before an audio podcast. Or you could just stay still. I invented rap. Okay. That's weird. So if, say like one of us gets cancer, we know you, can we get it from you? So it's what, and this is really funny because the company that owns the company, that I work for makes one of COVID-19's treatments.

And so people are constantly getting brash with like, hey, if I have COVID-19, can I like get it from you? No. Damn. No. And I just want to be clear. It's only certain types of cancer. You said that your haircuts gay.

What is your love life like? What are you into? I'm by. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm by. I'm currently... Okay, bye. You're currently what?

Not being inserted of any kind. Like, no insertion. happening, so. So you haven't gotten any PTSD lately? No, I haven't. No insertion of any kind. Does that mean you're with a woman as of late? No, women insert things, too.

Sure, they do, yeah. They do. How adorable. Yeah, oh, God, it's a finger. Look out. We're having sex. Whoa. Other things, dude.

Like what? Tung, dildos. Yeah, but a tongue realistically only goes, what? Two, three inches max into, into something. I mean, the outside of something is really what the,

Brian knows. I know. Yeah, because Brian's tongue is larger than it's... No, you don't need to go... You don't need to go...

You ready to get fuck, baby? Oh, my God. Brian has a gigantic cock. I've seen it while we manscape together with a new manscape or lawnmower 3.0. At Waterburger. What?

At Waterburg. Yeah, exactly. Nikki, what's something we'd be shocked to find out about you? One thing that, I don't know, I think my tits have gotten way bigger since quarantine. Let's see. Red band. Red band.

Come on. Actually, these are the biggest boobs I've ever had. Why do you think that is? I don't know. I've stopped exercising, probably. Oh, okay. Bobs are bigger than ever. They are.

I don't know. Or I have breast cancer. Wow. Look at that. It's just a tumor. Do they get bigger? Yeah. Oh, cool.

Okay. Oh, my God. All right. Jesus. Well, that's fun, Nikki. It was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming back on the show. And we'll see you again soon.

Nikki Fuchs, everybody. There she goes. All right. Look at this. Another young lady, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Sarah Ross. Here comes Sarah Ross. Here she is. Sarah.

Ross. I once worked at, or should I say, was fired from an Outback Steakhouse. If you've never been to Australia, this place is nothing like it. It's more of a TGI Fridays. They just throw in the word Cucaburra every now and again. I was 18. And the 23-year-old manager brought me into the back and he said, we just don't think your Outback Steakhouse material. And I said, Thank God. Because to be fired, it hurts. But to find out what you're made of is just what really thrives in chain casual dining 20 minutes south of Oklahoma City.

Wasn't it going to be me. The older I get, though, I feel like I understand his decision more. I maybe agree with him a little bit more. You know, being a performer is no reason to explain the bloomin onion to a customer as a fried onion. So I've done a bit of shime and guilt when you Google how many calories are in it. I want to say this, you guys, dating is hard right now, but dating men in bandanas is harder.

There it is Sarah Ross. I had trouble hearing you there at the end. Did you say dating men in Vegas is harder? I said dating men is hard, dating men in bandanas is harder. It's harder. Why is it harder? Outback's day. It's just hard to take them serious. Oh, because they wear those at Outback?

No, just Pandemannas. Oh, the bandanas, yeah. All right. Okay, I guess so. So Outback Steakhouse, let's talk about it. How long did you work there for? Like six months when I was 18. Six months when you were 18.

I like Outback Steakhouse. It's one of those places where if you can squeeze in there for lunch, you know, it's a place that I would like to go to lunch at, not necessarily dinner. But, you know, it's pretty good. You have a steak, a blooming onion, a baked potato. Yeah, that's pretty much what everybody orders. I have my first blooming onion with you there.

Your goddamn motherfucking right. You had a lot of first with me, didn't you blanket? Yeah, I did. I take my blanket all different restaurants. All over the country. That's a blanket statement. What are some other, what are some other things? Dang it.

I was saving that for later, you bitch. I've been vented rap. You've been foiled. There she is. All right. So, Sarah, six months and then you got fired. What other jobs have you had other than that? I feel like I had a lot of weird jobs like in high school and college.

I've worked at a, I was a lifeguard at a water park in PCB. PCB is. Panama City Beach, Florida. Wow. Okay. It's the Redneck Riviera. I also, I grew up in Houston. And when I moved back there for school, I worked at NRG Stadium, which is like the football stadium.

I worked in the suites. That's the home of the Houston Cuckers? Texans. Cougars is the college football. Oh, you worked for the Houston Texans at their stadium? I mean, I worked for era mark. But yeah, I did. It was fun.

I mean, I was in nursing school at the time, so I didn't have to go in all that often just when they had football games or Houston rodeo. I got to work the Super Bowl, though, when they did it in Houston. That was pretty fun. And what do you do now? I'm a travel nurse. Okay. How long you've been doing stand-up for?

I started stand-up in September of last year. I live in New York City, so I did it once in Austin, and I'm... Where at in Austin? The Belvedo Room. Okay. And I enjoyed it. It was a really good time. It was like the classic case of like your very first time of it goes incredibly well.

Move to New York. I did it in New York like September through March. And then I've been off this whole time. So since the pandemic, I mean, I was in like, I was in New York. I was working on the front lines for like March through June. and then I was in Texas and then I was in Florida and now I'm here and I'm not working with any COVID patients anymore, thank God.

Right, right. You look like a pretty Drew Barrymore. Thank you. I actually, I have a joke that I call myself Drew Barrymore if she were on the management track at a home goods. If she ran a what? If she were on the management track at a home goods.

Okay. All right. So you moved from New York to L.A.? So I'm just on a contract right now. So since the pandemic, I've just been doing travel nursing. So you're taking care of a patient right now? My contract in L.A. is I don't see patients. I'm working in interventional radiology, which is all like imaging and like planned, scheduled procedures where they like get a COVID test before they get.

Everything in L.A. is about image. There you go. Absolutely. She works in imaging. Yeah, no, I got it. Thank you. I invented rap. Thank you.

you did? Sarah. What year? Seran rap, giving us a little bit of insight on what's on his mind right now. Sarah, did you leave a boyfriend back in New York when you came out here? I was like kind of dating somebody a little bit before the pandemic, and it was like a situation of, we were like, okay, we have not been dating that long, and we have no idea when it's going to be until we see each other again. So kind of fizzled, but no, I didn't have anything serious. You didn't see them during the pandemic at all?

No. No, not during the pandemic because I was like on the front lines. Like as nobody wanted to see me at that time, I was like shut away from people for months and months. Wow, an American hero on the front lines of the coronavirus. So brave. There it is. Did you get COVID? Did you end up getting it?

No. I haven't had my antibodies tested, but I haven't had COVID. I mean, I've been tested so many times I came and tell you. But it's never come back positive yet. Very cool. How about hobbies or fun facts about you? Anything fun that we'd be surprised to find out about Sarah Ross? I don't know.

Maybe my mom's British. So I grew up in like a British family. I know. I can literally hear Joel when he grabs the mic. I can literally hear his thoughts. No, I was going to say I could hear him thinking. Yeah. You should try wrapping a foil around your head.

Brent, to block that shit out. Oh, my God. Joel, what were you going to say? Now I want to know. It's always more interesting to find out what you didn't say than what you did say. No, I did say. I said, hello. She said her mom's British.

I said, hello. Why? Because her mom's British, you idiot. All right. Back to you. I invented rap in 79. Oh, my God. So your mom's British.

What else? I know. I'm feeling like rather boring right now. You feel like you're what? I just feel rather boring right now and I don't have like something incredible. How about sports? You know, any special skills or talents?

Well, you know, this hopefully one day will turn into it. This is like I'm rather new at the stand-up aspect of comedy. I like mainly was doing like UCB like sketch and improv stuff. So that's like, I mean, I have family in New York, but that's like kind of what made me decide to move up there. I like moved up there with a couple of friends from Austin who were like also trying to get into comedy and do. In the city. You moved in the city of New York City. Yes, into Manhattan.

Okay. Very cool. Yeah. Well, Sarah, it was nice to meet you. Anything else for Sarah guys? Anything, any thoughts? Any advice, Matt Edgar for a little Sarah Ross here. These 12 people, I feel like I.

I came up here to dead silence. Well, there's not like a crowd, but it's okay. It's just so hard because you're so new, you know, to give advice on. I was going to ask you, when did you work at Outback? How long ago? She was 18. Yeah, but how long ago was that? Yeah, so that was like seven years ago.

It was a long time ago. Like 20 years ago? That's kidding. Seven years ago. Do you think you're going to move back to New York or go back to Austin? No, New York is the plan. Yeah, like New York's my home base. I've just been traveling because of it's good.

Why? Why New York over Los Angeles? I must know. Because my family's up there, like my dad's side of family lives in New York now. You like your family a lot. They make you feel good. And I like the, I like New York. Does your family have a lot of money?

Yes, they do. You can live for free as the answer. No, no, that's not true. Either that or you read a lot of Harry Potter books. What does your dad do for a living? Tell the truth. Don't hesitate. He's a civil engineer.

Civil engineer? Like, what do you mean? What does that mean? Civil engineer is like an engineer that designs like roads and bridges and infrastructure. So is he like a big deal civil engineer? He likes to describe civil engineering as like the least glamorous engineering there is. I know he plays it humble. I know when you quickly answer that question exactly that you were going to play at humble.

I have good money on my own. Sure. Sure you do. Yeah. No, we know nurses make the most money. During the pandemic I did. Okay. Wait, wait.

How about your mom? How does your mom do? What does your mom do for a living? My mom has in, my mom's been in sales all my life, like in waste primarily. So she does. So she sells shit. She, she, uh,

no, she helps, she sets up recycling, uh, like for large companies. Oh, very cool. Yeah.

Well, I don't know. There's something fishy here. How about that? About your grandpa? Do you have a wildly successful grandpa? Um, yes.

My dad, yeah, my grandpa on my mom's side who moved, who moved the family from England. Uh, yeah, he did really, he did well for himself.

He was a king. But, but, but, but, no, he was a metallurgist. A metallurgist?

Yeah, he was, he designed, it's like, you know, the study of metal, the chemistry of metal. So he, like, he works for Cameron, ironworks. He still has a patent with Rolls-Royce.

I mean, that is pretty cool. There you go. All right, Sarah. Well, so much fun. Nice to meet you. Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, Blanket. Go right ahead.

Cover this for us. Okay. What I will say is that a couple times, I think it was hard for people to understand you because you were talking so fast, you were trying to rush through your punch lines and if you really stick the land and then it's way more comfortable. Yeah, and you just have a quiet,

kind of a quiet vibe to you. There goes Sarah Ross, everybody. On to the next one we go, Sarah Ross. There goes Sarah Ross. Is that Brian Moses? What's up? Put your hands together for Brian Moses, everybody. Another one of our brothers

producer, comedian, showrunner, the creator of Rose. to battle and another one of our best friends. I think I'm going deep sea fishing with you in a week or two, right? Me, you, and this guy. Yeah. What's that? That's right.

We're going deep sea fishing. We've got to make sure one of those fish don't pull you in there, you little firecracker, you. I'm on a diet. Speaking of on a diet, speaking of deep sea fishing, your next comedian, a regular on the show, an absolute monster, one of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. It's the great, the powerful.

David Lucas There he is Yeah It's only rape If she says stop four times Because everybody knows she says it three times She really don't mean it Because she's like

Stop stop stop That means keep going The fourth time is when you should stop I personally think that the news should only come on once a week nobody needs to hear that bullshit every day like CNN should come on once on a Wednesday like during the middle of the week

we don't need to hear the same old bullshit every day about Trump and Biden my girlfriend made me go to the homeless shelter to the volunteer where I heard of cook and when I get down there I thought we was about to cook some bullshit but I get down there we're cooking steak, shrimp and ribs and I'm like I'm about to get in line for this fucking food

like why do these niggas need to eat this? Why should they be full on steak? Get these motherfuckers a ham sandwich and keep it pushing. You should not be homeless and get full on steak and shrimp. Give them a peanut butter and jelly and a bag of chips. Absolutely. Couldn't agree with you more, David Lucas. I mean, seriously, steak and shrimp. Why not just stay homeless?

That's what we work overtime for. Red band and I love eating steak and shrimp. and you know how we're able to do it, Red Band? How's that? Because of the amazing work from our incredible sponsors, and let's check in and get a word a little bit more from them right now. Hey, dude, what's up? It's me, Tony. I'm talking directly to you right now.

And if you believe me, then I want to tell you about our newest sponsor, S.K. Kratum. If you're over the age of 18 and not familiar with Kratum, listen up. It's natural. It's a leaf of a tropical evergreen tree mainly found on the island of Borneo. For hundreds of years, it was used by the people of Indonesia, workers in the rice fields. They would chew the leaves to help with energy and stamina throughout the day, similarly to how Americans drink coffee or energy drinks. Most Kratom consumers use Kratum as an alternative to dangerous and addictive pharmaceuticals.

It has been scientifically proven to be safe. Hey, your boy, Brian's here also. S.K. Kratom is the best in the business. They have been a top Kratum supplier for over six years and traveled to even Indonesia, numerous times to see how and where their suppliers operate. So they were able to weed out bad product and suppliers. SK put the effort in so you are getting the best possible product. SK operates as a legitimate herbal supplement business.

And they have high standards to ensure that consumer has the highest quality, safest product, including testing by a third-party FDA consultants to provide the best quality SK-K crate them around. So go to Soapcorner.com and use promo code Kill Tony 30 for 30% off your first order of $35 or more. That's Soap Corner with a K and use the code Kill Tony 30, all one word, for 30% off. Soapcorner.com. These products have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

This product is not for use, buy, or sale to persons under the age of 18. This product should be used only as directed on the label. It should not be used if you are pregnant or nursing. Consult with a physician before if you have a serious medical condition or use prescription medications. A doctor's advice should be sought before using this and any supplemental dietary product. And we're back here with the great David Lucas. We're talking steak and shrimp. He's serving up homeless people.

So did you really do that? Yeah, I went to, well, it happened before. Right. It's a soup kitchen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I went down there to cook And they had all this good shit I was like, damn

I thought I was about to come here And make some sandwiches I didn't know we was grilling And sauteing in the sauteing Well that's probably old steak And shrimp also Yeah, but still though It's mafia meat

That's motivation for these To keep on Striving for the bottom There you go There's the first N word From David Lucas Is he not allowed to say it Well, we're working on it

Turns out a lot of a I thought that was the funniest Part of the joke Was the N word? Well, not the N word But what he just said following it It was a good inflection. Fuck.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. Anyway. Yeah, I'm trying out to say the N-word of my jokes because we getting demonetized or shit. It's a good thing to probably just to do for your own self because, you know, you catch yourself saying it. I know it takes a lot of work. It took me a very long time to teach myself to stop saying it in public. Especially to my mom.

You still always. Yeah. I'd be like, Mrs. Red Band, you crazy. Like that. But instead of that, last. part I would say the N-word. Yeah. So what else, David?

What else in life is going on this week? I worked a shift. I worked two shifts this week. Here at the comedy store. The door guy, yeah. Back at the door. Yeah, man, they work the shit out of us right now. God damn, we got to put tables up.

This is it. Take tables down. You're paying dues at a time here at the comedy store, which is accelerated dues. And the comedy store documentaries out. You're getting to find out a lot more about people that have worked here before in the history of the club. What do you think about that? Bro, like, I got to see Argus Young.

That shit was crazy. Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Argus Young. He wasn't even the Duke of Abercorn yet. He was the commissioner of Abercorn. And what I'm learning is I thought Richard Pryor was like the first big person to be here, but it looks like it was JJ from good times. Oh, yeah.

Without a doubt. Oh, damn, man. This documentary teaching me something. Oh, yeah. Richard Pryor just popped up. 40 minutes in to last night's episode. You know the club's crazy when you don't start covering Richard Pryor

until an hour and 40 minutes into your history. That's about Freddie Prince. Learned a lot about Freddie Prince. He was 19 out here killing shit. Robin Williams. Matt Edgar. Well, he shot the arrows.

Take the L. available everywhere. He shot the arrows at John Travolta. He did like John Travolta. So I'm learning a lot, man. Because you know, like, on the urban side of comedy, we don't really learn a lot of the history, but I feel like that's necessary

to evolve as a comedian, you know. Without a doubt. Yeah. You got to know your history. Even though Red Fox is still like my father, the people consider Richard Pryor, but I'm like, Red Fox, to me,

is the father of comedy. Yeah. I think Pryor might say the same thing. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So what are you doing for fun as of late? Any anything? Just same shit at the grappling and shit.

Yep. I didn't do nothing too exciting recently, bro. Been just chilling, working here, coming here, getting up in the window and shit, you know. I love it. How about the dietary-wise? What have you been eating? Still trying to get it right, you know what I'm saying? Still pescatarian, man.

Pescatarian that specializes. That means he eats mostly bread and potatoes and some fish. Potatoer. I've been there before. I was a vegan for four or five years. Of course. A hardcore vegetarian. It was a pescatarian, but I did.

didn't eat dairy. We know you love fake meat. Well, I actually love real meat in my butt hole. That's only, though, when dildos are not available, because dildos are my number one choice, and then meat and then fake meat. I've shoved so many beyond patties in my asshole, it's incredible. The weird thing is that if you shove beyond meat into your butt, you poop it out of your mouth.

Red bands get hungry. No, red bands get irritated. You remember, Reddell's like the same shit every week, booty holes in dildo. You said see how unhealthy he was, though, when he was doing that. It's true, because I wasn't drinking enough water. Oh, yeah, that's why I brought this up, is because vegetarians overcompensate, and so do pescatarians. They overcompensate for the lack of protein and energy that they're getting from their food by eating bread and starch and fucking carbohydrates. Would you agree with that?

Right, yeah. You eat a lot of bread? You eat a lot of bread? and then, Tony? Not necessarily. Because let me see. My breakfast is normally like an assaye bowl or a bowl of Greek yogurt with granola and strawberries. I let a guy eat my assaye bowl the other day.

I'm like, hey, give me that back. My butt hole. That's what we call bed and breakfast. That's right. I say the hardest part is like the hardest part is like, you know, coming here, drinking to one, then getting hungry and not want to wait until you get home. So you stop and get some bullshit. That's the hardest part.

Absolutely. I stopped that recently. I'm no longer a late night eater. And boy, oh boy, what a game changer that is. I didn't realize that that was contributing to a lot of the hangovers that I was having. Yeah, yeah. Late night food. Causing me to want to sleep in the next day.

Meanwhile, now I can drink and just wake up still 7 a.m. Wake up hungry. So you're kind of like, oh, it kind of gets you out of bed. Not really. You know, even if I go to bed hungry, I'll get hungry in an hour or two after waking up, but I don't, they still don't really wake up hungry. Well, that's what I'm saying, because usually, like, if I eat late at night, I will have coffee.

You mean when you eat later. But I'll wake up, you know, have coffee and not eat until like 5 p.m. Because you woke up at 3 p.m. But Red, man, you eat dinner. Red, man. Brian calls breakfast dinner. Right. He's dinner at 5 a.m.

Like, you shouldn't be hungry. I don't know why everyone thinks I go to bed so late. I actually fall asleep so early. You posted on your. social media, unless you're waking up, like, I'm going to post this video from a few hours ago. No, I wake up all the time. Like, I'll wake up at 7 a.m. I'll wake up at 7 a.m. and just, like, be up for an hour or so and then go back to bed.

David, what's the unhealthiest thing you can remember eating as of late? Today I had cheese puffs. That's probably the worst. Oh, shit. How many cheese puffs did you have? Just a little. Look at you. You're turning into one.

You're like the kid from a long guy. You look like cheese puff daddy tonight. Puff daddy? It's hard for me to rose without the end word, so they're going to say shit. Crutch. So much fun, David. As always, we're going to have more fun this week coming up. There he goes, the great David Lucas, everybody.

On to the next one we go. I know what song that was. That was nice. That sounded nice. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Joel Malims, everybody. Here he comes. This will be interesting.

I know it. Another one bites the dust. Oh. Cannonball. When on Ancestry.com, find out I'm 100% freak. I ask my buddy, what kind of Pokemon do you think I am? Says you're a freak-ach-choo. Look at you.

I like to think I'm more of an alien charzard slash Zaptose slash Sasquatch. From Montana originally, our state animals, the Subaru. I live out of a 05 Toyota Sienna. deliver grubhub and postmates out of it. So she's my everything. You're driving around. Can't help but to read deeper into signs. No U-turn.

No going home. In and out. Don't say your friends too long. Subway. Thank God for the van. Staples. What I hold my life together with. Budget.

I know. Urgent care. Needed. In an accident, need a lawyer? Call L.A. Jacob. No! Panda, yes. Blue Moon,

Reach for the Moon, TNT, NBA Finals, Bed Bath and Beyond, day night to myself. Target? Hooters. Joel Malams, everyone. Hey! This is where the drums would come in, normally.

Thore, boom. Tika, tica, chika, tica, ticca, tica, tica, ticca, chica, tica, tica, chica, tica, ticca. That would be it. That would have been normally. All right. There's no drummer here. Hey, Tony, I've seen this guy before. Oh, you have?

He's been on the show before. Where have you seen him before? Free basic. Free basic. Oh, that's right. You're foil. That's right. Joel Malams.

You have a very interesting, unorthodox, really everything. I mean, performance style, look, writing, delivery, everything. You look like me if I was drowning in COVID. It is an interesting look. Joel, let's talk about it. Tell us about your life. How old are you?

Just turned 29, two days ago. 29, two days ago. Where are you from? Whitefish, Montana, originally. Whitefish. Wow. All right. Delicious.

Go ahead. How long have you been in L.A.? A little over two years now. What have you been doing here? Right now, delivering food. Oh, my goodness. Living out of the van. Living in a van, and you're delivering food in the van that you live in?

Yeah, Grubhub, mostly. Driving around Long Beach. Okay. Grubhub in a van, mostly Long Beach. Have you been on this show before? Yeah. Twice. Yeah, I was going to say.

Oh, yeah. How could you possibly forget? Well, I mean, your hair's a little different. You got it in like pigtails right now or something. Yeah. Joel, so you live in a van. How long have you lived in a van? Two years now?

I don't live in a man. Yeah, two years out here. I lived in a year in Arizona. This guy's name is also, Joel. Wait, what the fuck? I know you weren't here because I know for a fact you were in the back green room talking very loudly about something. Oh, I was peeing, man. But it's cool.

I invented around. Who were you talking to when you were peeing? William Montgomery, dude. Oh, that's right. You know what? How could I forget that William's been back there waiting this entire time? I can't believe I forgot. But now I remember, which means it is time to see a little bit of a fashion show.

Here's William Montgomery. Here we comes. Here comes William. Oh, my goodness. Look at this guy. Yeah, play it slow. William, William, William. Who is this?

Fucking microphone. God, you are. absolute moron. It's almost impressive. What do you mean? There he is. Okay, face that way. There it is. For all of you that are into this is for all of you ladies, this is for all you ladies that are into a man that

looks like your uncle that still owns a waterbed after all these years. You do, yep. You still sleep in a waterbed when it breaks, you repair it. Wow, the angry, drunk kind of version of William's back.

It's very exciting. Someone definitely only did 38 minutes this weekend in Eureka. Wow. This is a guy clearly just bought his first El Camino. No, he's here. He's... Thank you, David.

I think this look is called train wreck. Yeah. Face the camera, William. Look right into the camera and tell them how you feel about things. He believes in Jesus Christ. Can we see? Yeah, William, look directly. Can you get a little bit closer there, Zach?

Can you zoom in? Right there is perfect. And then a little bit lower. Get a little bit of that belly. All right. William, do some jumping jacks for the people at home. Do some jumping jacks. Come on.

Do five jumping jacks. How many you want to see him do jumping jacks? Everybody does. This camera angle looks great, William. Come on, give the people at home what they want. Come on, William. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Someone's dancing. Whoa. Oh, shit. Keep looking down that camera, William. You have to trust me. Take direction. Oh, my goodness. What a stud.

Wow. Look at that. You might be wondering. Is that a... Is that a man pregnant with octoplets? Yeah. Okay, there goes William Montgomery, everybody. Really, really impressive.

For those of you that like adults swim and things like that, you must love the wonkiness that just happened here. Joel, what's something that we would be shocked to know about you? I did methamphetamine when I was 17 years old. Shocking. Oh, my God. Joel, it's not you. You're saran wrap tonight, Joel, and you already did that once.

Joel? So we're sticking with Joel Malam's here, which we built tension for with that last question, no matter almost, no matter what he said it would have been funny, but instead I'm going to ask it again, and it won't be funny this time, because now he's had too much time to think about it, so that tension that was built will not be there this time.

You don't have to say whatever you're going to say right now because I just queued up that I'm going to ask him again, so you could move away from that, Mike. You, yep, very good. Here we go. Joel Malmes, what is something? something that we would be shocked to find out about you. Right now I'm working on a lot of artwork lately and I'm making stickers.

See, actually it worked perfectly. You rebuilt that tension just like I thought you would. Just like I thought you would. There you go. I'll say this story a few years ago when I was driving back home. I was living in Arizona at the time, so I was going back home to Montana. and it was like three in the morning, and it was like 30 degrees out, and I hit this deer that somebody had already hit,

and I just ran straight over it, and I had massive speedwobbles. I was drifting all over the road, and I made it to the next town. I'm like, I'm getting a pizza right now, because I'm still alive, and there was literally blood all over the back of the car, and I go into the car wash the next morning, and the people, there's this guy next to me just looking at me like,

are you okay? Yeah, he thought you killed somebody. The deer blood was all over the back of the car, but you hit it with the front, huh? Yeah, it was already dead, and I just drove straight over it, and it literally just like shot blood all over the back of the car and on the top. Was there any blood on the inside of the car, maybe in the back seat?

No, no. No? Was it really a deer? Yeah, it was some, it just, I couldn't see it coming. It just like two seconds, it came into the headlights, and there was no swerving or anything, so it was probably best that I just ran over it. Yeah, it's definitely always best that you run over. Do you think, in retrospect, do you think you could have avoided it,

or was it just unhitted? I don't think so. I think it was one of those things people say, like, don't swerp or a deer because you might go off. the road and maybe that was one of those situations where it was really better to just hold on at the wheel and hit it again. Okay. What are your, what are your parents like? They are very Catholic. Yeah. But they're good people. Very religious still together. They're up there in Montana still. Yes, yes. And you live like in a rural area? Whitefish is not, uh, certainly not a very,

About 10, 15,000 people there. Oh, very cool. There's like three stoplights. Did you do a lot of outdoor stuff growing up there? Yes. I played a lot of basketball, played golf. Yeah. That's really what I did.

You still play golf? I see you're wearing a ping hat. You're an interesting. You're either, I could tell by your look, I get the vibe that you'd actually be really good at it. Am I correct? Because you seem like you wouldn't be good at it, and those are the people that are always great at it.

Am I right? You have a natural, you keep the left arm straight. You follow through, everything good over there. Am I correct? You learned when you were young, right? Yeah, I started when I was a freshman in high school. Okay. So that's really what got me into it was playing then.

Do you ever get to play still? I don't, just because I'm really trying to save money right now. Oh. And I don't have my clubs with me. Oh, okay. I'm going to Trump tomorrow at 11 a.m. You have an extra $300. You want to play?

I'm just kidding. I know you don't, Joel. I would love to. Honey, why don't you take them? No chance. No, we have, we're going for Richie's birthday, and it's not 300. It's like $250.

Anyway, so, wow. How about your love life, Joel? You ever get a girl into your Grubhub van? Your house? I have had a few girls in the band. Ooh, look at that. One in the ping, two in the sting. What?

I hear you. It's so funny. Okay. go ahead. I love that the band can literally say anything this episode and they get and then I say something and I get you put your foot on the all the way left symbol. Can you do that one more time? And I said not with mine.

You don't. Oh, okay. That's not the symbol. That would be the bass drum, but you're the drummer. So how could you have fucked that up? Nope. The one all the way to the left,

all the way to the left. Farther left, except I said just the pedal. That's the high hat. Sure. High hat, low hat. And I said the pedal. Hit the pedal. No, that's still the bass drum.

It's a pedal, bass pedal. Yep. And there's that pedal on the left symbol, isn't there? Forget it. Forget it, Chol. Wow. Can't even, with all the direction in the world, can't even get him to do something that he did three seconds earlier.

He's got that William Montgomery drink. Wow, he really does, but he doesn't really have the... I'll take another, dude. What, Joel? Oh, my God. We are watching slow, not the first time I've seen saran wrap melt down. I don't know if you've ever put it in the microwave before, but... Okay.

So you got some action in the van. That's cool. Yes, a few times. When you're delivering Grubhub, are you ever, like, really hungry, and sometimes somebody will take, like, only two or three minutes, and you're like, fuck it, this smells good. And you keep it? Okay, so a few weeks ago, this person,

and I really try to be just the best person I can be and I don't want to steal or do anything like that but this person bought Sapporo sushi and they didn't tip me and I was looking around for their apartment for 15 minutes and I called them multiple times they weren't answering I'm like I'm taking this so you could see the tip before you even deliver it I always say

thought that was afterwards. That was after. They didn't tip you because they didn't get their sushi, correct? On Grobub, you see your tip first, so it's all... That's game-changing. I'm loyal to the soil.

I'm a Postmates guy all the way. And I tip well as long as I get the food. Right. I like that aspect, too, with Postmates, because you have that incentive to... Wow, so you knew he wasn't going to tip you. That is so interesting.

And sushi... It was like a $50-some dollar a meal and no tip. Right. Yeah, that's ridiculous. That's crazy. I say if everything's horrible and the guy was a moron and didn't follow any of the directions that he was clearly given and really did the worst job he possibly could do at his very simple job, I still, you know, throw him something. But it's only if they don't deliver the food at all. I've done every single one. What? Like this one, there's something about it. Right. You know what the worst shit is lately? They do that pork. where they drop it off on the porch, which is fine, you know. But they always put it right in front of my door, and my door opens out.

So I'll have, like, you know, I'll have, like, drinks and shit like that. And so I have to go around the whole entire house from the back door just to get my fucking food out. You ever take your e-bike around the house to do that? No. Chrome said you take the e-bike. All right, Joel. Man, you are so interesting and so, so, I don't even know how to describe it. You're like a Nicholas Cage character.

You seem like a real character. You're 29? How long you've been doing stand-up for? Just the two prior times here. That's it? You only perform on Kill Tony? Yes. Yeah, well, you've got to keep writing and trying things

and taking chances and write everything down and, you know, get it going because you have such an interesting, interesting everything. Everything about you is interesting. It's very compelling. So keep writing and doing it and find some open mind. and do those and stay healthy and safe during this wild time.

Was it you that I saw that had the one wheel? Are you riding a one wheel? No. One wheel. What did you see? Somebody out front, one of the people here. Oh, it's you? Oh, okay, yeah, there you go.

Okay, wow. There you go. All right. Joel, thank you so much. There goes Joel Malam's, everyone. Hey. All right. This next young man, we have, we have,

He's become quite the regular character during this pandemic. He has incredible jokes, and then we found out about his incredible passionate relationship with a Latina woman. And we've been following up on it. It's been a few weeks since we've seen him, and he's back here. Unbelievable joke writer and teller. Here he is, a new minute from Ryan Joseph. Here's Ryan Joseph. So my girlfriend broke out with me.

She sent me a letter saying she needs space. Something like, no less than 500 feet or something. I used to date this beautiful black girl. She broke my heart, so I've been trying to avoid her, but I saw her walking towards me down the street there today, so I crossed the other side. And then she calls me, and she's like, why did you cross the street when you saw me walking towards you?

I was like, I told you you're not my girlfriend anymore. You're just black. Although I'm white, I know what it's like to be a minority. I went to predominantly Hispanic and black school. And it's a horrible feeling just walking around knowing that you're like better than everyone. I don't like going on the apps because they always say they're looking for their partner and crime. And then when you hang out with them, all they want to do is just call the cops. I'm naturally left-handed, but my dad said life would be easier if I learned to use my right.

But I still couldn't get them off. Ryan Joseph. Because you are my friend. Ryan Joseph is back. Welcome back, Ryan. How are you? I'm doing all right. How are you?

Good. Fun jokes. Good to see you again. Yeah. Ryan is a very persistent, hungry comedian. He loves his spots here on Keltony. He takes advantage of it.

Writes new short jokes, memorizes all of them, remembers them when he gets pulled out of the bucket and executes them right down the barrel. Remind us again how long you've been doing stand-up comedy. Almost two years Two years only And already has had multiple great appearances on the show

How old you are? 36 So I have this theory that people that start a little bit later Kind of get a In a way there's like a head start Yeah You know what I'm saying? It's more of a mature thing When we were kids we had nothing to talk about

Right And we would be too scared to say like the racial stuff Indeed But that's like really fun It's really fun nowadays to like say the racial stuff Because, especially it's very topical. It's taboo. Yeah, I did a show the other day at a drive-in show at the Magic Castle.

And about six or seven minutes into a set, a young black lady in the audience screamed from our car that I am white privileged. Nice. And I was reminded at how much fun it is to RIF live in the moment. Do you start going after the car? That gives you a whole new thing. God damn right. What kind of car was it? Oh, you mean that 2002 white Toyota Prius fucking garbage car?

Yes. And really laid into it. It was so much fun. Did she get more upset and they had to like kick her out or her? No, it was unbelievable. It was unbelievably great. She got more and more upset. She said, you know, I go, I'm beating.

I go, I'm dominating you. You're going to fucking behave yourself? And she's like, that's because you had a microphone. And I'm like, that's right. I have a microphone because you didn't chase your dreams. Just rolls up her window. Starts turning on the windshield wipers. Yeah, nothing helped.

Yeah, I went to this ocean mic, and it was kind of like PC, I could tell. Pacific Coast? Yeah, PC comics on the PC. Thank you, Joel. And I could tell it was like pretty, it wasn't my crowd, so I tried to do my most offensive jokes. One joke did not go well. Yeah, sometimes it's fun to lean into it. if you detect it.

Yeah, I knew it was good for me just to do it. Can I tell the joke? Could you guys tell me if this is a good joke? Absolutely. It goes, I don't like girls that wear lots of makeup. I like them if they can just talk like they're black. I guess so.

Yeah, it's a good joke. I don't know. They didn't like it. So let's talk about your actual love life. Let's catch up. How's that been going? Well, you know, man. It sucks.

Mm-hmm. What's the new? updates on it. We're broken up. Okay. Yeah, we're broken up. It's just been like often on fighting and all sorts of shit. But she pulled some shit that, you know, like, because I'm addicted, do you, I've

been going to codependent anonymous meetings taking care of myself. Really? No. Okay. But I left my journal over there the other day, dude. Oh, my God. The other day. Wow.

Not the other day, but, you know, like, I don't know, a couple weeks ago. And she fucking read it. She called me, she's like, I'm reading your journal. And I had a list of, like, pros and cons of why I should leave this. Oh, my God. First of all, why would you do? Why do you have a journal? Second of all, why did you take it to her house?

Third of all, how do you forget that amongst all things? I know. It's like I left my safety deposit box over this girl's house who I have been fighting with for months. So you write your jokes in the same journal as you write, like, your diary? So you'll have a long thing about, like, the deal. and what you went through and it's like emotional and then something about black people. Yeah.

No, no. I don't write like the, like when I write, it's usually like stream of consciousness and whatever joke pops out then I'll write it down. But I was told by I should write pros and cons of, because I'm like, been confused, dude.

So, and she did not like what she saw. What were some of the cons that you had written down for her? One was, well, I had written something called like she has a weird P. P? Like P, the letter P. And I think I was trying to say personality, but she thought I was saying she has a weird pussy.

Oh my goodness. And so I had to convince her that her pussy's fine. But it's her personality. Right, yeah. Look, babe, it's not your pussy. She'd rather your personal. It's her whole being. It's who you really are as a person.

She's like, you promise? Wow. So she was less offended that it was her personality than her pussy. She knows she doesn't have a great personality. Or pussy. Yeah, yeah. The pussy's the only thing that keeps... That was in the pro column.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, there was like, you know, it was great head. Oh. That was in the pro. That's sweet. You got to consider that. That was first. Wow.

Hell yeah. And, uh, yeah. Absolutely. But, uh, no, man, like, she lied again about some shit. Uh-huh. Like, she's just like one of those people that can just look at you in the eye and lie. Right. And totally be okay.

with it. And it freaks me out. She's like a sociopath. But like I didn't find out she was a fucking liar until like I was already into her. Right. Did she get your journal back? Oh yeah. Well first she's like, I'm going to throw in the dumpster unless you come over. Because I was like, it's over. You read my jokes.

Those are my sacred jokes. How you've been surviving during this thing, Ryan? How do you make money again? I work from home, working for this liberal university. They make me like create courses on like fucking intrinsic bias and all this bullshit. And yeah, I don't believe in any of it.

I don't care. And I make money that way. And yeah, fucking lockdown sucks. Dude, I hate it. It needs to open up. I hate it all. I've learned to hate Democrats. Yep.

I hate them all. There you go. Very good. I love that you said it. Not me on this episode. Very good. Where are you from? Originally Florida.

But I started to end up like, Actually, four years ago, I did, like, stand up at the comedy underground. Oh, yeah. And I always wanted to do it again, but I didn't do it every day until I came out here, like, two years ago. Yeah. So, but I went back to Florida to, like. And you're pushing as hard as you can. Yeah, even during the pandemic, man.

There's been all these, like, so-called comics wearing their masks and jerking off on Zoom, telling, like, giving us shit because we've been performing during lockdown. Right. Like, death threats, bomb threats. like craziness. Yeah. People are getting shit shut down. It's annoying.

I've been reading about it. Yeah. It's absolutely ridiculous. It's like, that's why it's important to vote on November 3rd. You're scared of a virus. They've never seen a virus before. Right.

100%. What would be something like, what's a hobby or something that you do when you're not having arguments with your girlfriend or writing stand-of-comedy? Like, what else? One more thing that you're into. You cook? You do anything?

I play guitar. Oh, wow. Horribly. Oh, really? Can you sing us something? Sing us a little song. Just give us one line. I sing horribly, though. Just give us one line.

Just sing a song. You know, look right into that camera and sing just to a cappella, absolutely any line of any song. If you're watching this, fuck you. I know who you are. You read my journal. Sing it, Ryan. That's as good as it gets. Oh, Jesus, Ryan.

I thought you said you sing terribly. I wanted to hear terrible singing. All right. All right. Ryan, well, fun times. Good to catch up. Great jokes. There he goes. Ryan Joseph, everybody. Ryan and Joseph, he does the jokes,

and then walks away. All right. One last name in this bucket, and then Michael Lair, but before Michael Lair, let's get this guy up here. This should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Phil Iwinsky. Here he is.

Phil Iwinsky. Hey, how's it going, everybody? Mostly here to juggle, but I just wanted to share some life-samey advice that our genius fucking governor shared with us. I think a few days ago, he said, make sure you put your mask on in-between bites. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, no, we're not doing that. What if you're eating wings?

Can you imagine, like, each wing takes about two to three bites, and then like the mountain of paper towels is just like fucking blow it out your ass Newsom we're not doing that and it's not backed by science at all either anyway fucking Ryan got been fired up but let's do some juggling here's some juggling with Phil Iwinski this is very exciting whoa look at that

through the legs oh my goodness that is impressive yeah zoom out there Lieutenant General Bogus look at that Whoa. Whoa. This is Kill Tony during a pandemic. They said it couldn't be done. But we have a juggler here.

Glow in the dark bowling pins. Hey. Look at this. Absolutely incredible. Wow. My goodness. Wow, that is some incredible juggling, Phil Iwinski. My goodness.

I've never seen it. Most jugglers are ugly guys. And this is a good-looking guy. You're like the Tom Brady of jugglers. Thanks, man. Appreciate that. You're a good-looking guy, too. Oh, thank you, Phil.

He's about to juggle your balls, Tony. I think I'm about to have a bowling pin in my ass tonight, everybody. Can you juggle on the one wheel? I can, yeah, yeah. Oh, can we see some of that? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Let's get some more circus music.

Hey. That da-da-da-da-da-da. Used to be 600 people in the room Sold out every week We used to do massive theaters And we were popular Now this is what it's come to We're all sitting here

Watching a guy Oh hey He's got the bowling pins And a unicycle We're having fun Whoa Wow Matt's like I shouldn't have had that acid

before the show, man. That's badass, man. My goodness. It's hard on carpet. Times have changed. Brian just said, that's badass, man. Well, it's pretty sweet. It's one wheel.

Yeah, those one wheel things are scary as fuck. Do you go on a lot of group rides? Well, before the pandemic, yeah. It's a unit cycle. I've broken a rib. I've like, I've broken all kinds of bones doing crazy.

Because those things go fast. I know there's like, some of them go faster like 60 to 80 miles an hour. Oh, yeah. Russians are like jail. breaking these things on the highway. 80 mile an hour unicycle? Yes. Wow.

Yeah. That's incredible. How fast have you gone on a unicycle, Phil Iwinski? Well, this thing tops out at 30, so I... Really? I'll cruise at 30 on it. Yeah. Oh, my God. Where do you do that at? You go to, like, a track or something? No, I mean, I'll just take it to the beach. I'll take it here. Yeah, a lot of e-bikers and those things get together and, like, have these group rides,

and they'll just, like, take over, you know, Sunset Boulevard and, like, go around everywhere. Wow. They're so fun, and it's like a penny to the mile as far as, like, energy efficiency goes, so all the hippies will like that shit, right? Wow, a penny to the mile. Look at that. So, Phil, what's your love life like? You're a good-looking guy.

You're out there juggling. You're on a unicycle. I mean, I'm drowning in it like usual, but, I mean, even during the pandemic, no. It's weird. But I've gone on some hinge dates, actually, so I've been talking with this one girl who I, I like a lot. It's been going well. Yeah. What are you guys been doing? You've been hanging out? You've been watching Netflix together?

We went and picked up trash on one of our dates, believe it or not. He was like the most sappy shit ever, but it was like, like the world is burning. We're like, all right, let's just like do something. Like, we're so helpless in this fucking thing. It's like, so yeah, we picked up trash one day and then, I don't know, movie night. Like, I think we went to Bakari for. A what?

For some shit. Isn't that a place? Bacari. It's like a beer garden. I don't know. Oh, man. I didn't know a juggling unicycure. Never mind. So when you picked up trash, did you get any action after that?

Blanket. You blanket it out. Yeah. Yeah, no, we've hooked up. It's been, I mean, but we took it slow. That's the way that you make love slowly, romantically. The right way, yeah. You look at her in the eyes deeply in the missionary position.

Damn right, yeah. Wow. Look at that. I like this stuff. I don't want to be a third. wheel, but I have a... So Phil, tell us how you learned to juggle and unicycle and all that. What ended up happening there?

Well, I was homeschooled, so it wasn't a lot to do. Like, I was rollerblading, juggling. Like, I wasn't allowed to play video games, so I just got really good. Is rollerblade in the gateway drug to unicyclin? Yes. Yes, it is. But I was always a show-off, always wanted to, like... I don't know, be better than everyone at everything.

Right. Juggling. So when I, like, got stomped on in basketball, the sport of basketball is just too fast for me. I was like, I got to find something else so I can rise above and still showcase the... What else are you good at? You play any musical instruments or anything?

No, music's like the only thing I didn't really dabble. Right. How about other sports, other things? Anything would be surprised? Oh, yeah. Play all the sports. Okay. Do, oh, yeah, dunk on people all the time. Oh, that's great.

They took the rims off the hoops. at Pan Pacific. I know. Because they don't want a bunch of healthy basketball players. I know. Oh, my God. That's my park, and it's very, very, very disappointing what's going on over there. They took the basketball hoops off of the, they took the rims off the backboard.

Meanwhile, they allow giant rallies where people scream things, which is how the disease is spread by vapors in the air. So people scream things, and then they repeat the things that they scream. One of the main things that they scream at these rallies is no justice with that noise, no peace. Both of these things end in sounds that create vapors except they're yelling it. But they took the rims off of backboards so that people that exercise, exercise, exercise. Wait, in America? Can't exercise. I thought they were chanting go Lakers.

Well, they chant that too. Funny enough, the same people that chant those things. Sancho Lakers. And go Dodgers. Can you imagine if Arnold was still governing? Soviet Russia. He'd be telling people to get sunlight and eat well and be healthy. And it's like this mask is like, you know, the best protection from this viruses is your fucking immune system.

Yep. And they're like, hey, make sure you put the mask on in between bites. Are you fucking kidding? CDC just released an amazing statistic today that no news network is talking about. My favorite news network, no news network. that over, I think it's 75 to 80% of all the most recent COVID cases, 75 to 80% of them are people that always wear a mask. What is this Nazi Germany? What the fuck?

Yeah, no, it's pretty crazy that the people that are wearing the masks always are the high majority of people getting it. Pretty wild. Probably because they're constantly touching their mouth or, you know, like moving it. Well, yeah. No, it's also because they're probably not applying common sense. sense thinking that this piece of cotton will do something. Meanwhile, it escaped a

level 5 bio laboratory. So, exciting stuff, though. It makes people feel special wearing the cotton thing. It does. Doesn't it? Saran Wrap? Yeah, I want to know when Tosh Point O is coming back. Why? What does that have to do with anything? It looks like Daniel Tosh, but like

kind of fucked up a little bit. No, I think, no, he's, I'm not really saying. It's a good looking guy. Joel. You all right? Yeah, thanks, Joel. Yeah, Joel's just... Hey, you're welcome. When did juggling become cool?

Also, are you a hack around the other jugglers because your shit lights up? Honest to God, I think Phil Iwinski made juggling cool. Before this, I'm like, I don't know, man. I like juggling. I like the style of shitting on Newsom and then falling it with juggling. Yeah, very rarely do you have a young Republican juggler come in here. I know, I know, I'm just kidding. But anybody with any common sense could say that this current state.

Has the girl your dating scene the juggling? Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. You mean when she fell in love? No, we were just juggling out the park the other day. She was filming me. That's awesome. And you go to Pan Pacific Park.

That's your park. A few times a week. That's beautiful. Well, I'll probably see you around there sometime, Phil. Tony will be in the bush. That's me. I'm in the bush. doing in the bush.

You got a little cup. Right outside the bush. You put a little money in there. You go in the bush, get some. Come right out. Oh, you're saying that I do gay sex things in the bush at the park. Okay. I'm just trying to get a grasp on exactly what you were hitting together.

So you put, I have a cup out. And then there's a bush. And then you see a little money. So if you see a cup sitting next to a bush, you put money in that bush. And then I come out from behind the bush and I suck your cock. Come on in. Oh, I invite him into the bush. Come on in my bush.

I invite him into the bush. And then we do gay. stuff, but I keep the cup out there for some reason. No, no, you collect it. So you puts money in the cup, and then the cup disappears, and then I come out and I go, does he put the mascot in between bites? The best part is after the whole Bush sequence, he leaves on the unicycle. That's it.

That's it. Yeah, off into the sunset, very elaborate hookouts, but that's Pan Pacific. Well, Phil, I love your style. Anytime you have another minute that you want to talk about something passionately. I know, is this your first time doing stand-up? First time. Look at that. Absolute cherry-popping fun we're having with Phil Iwinski, a juggler, a unicyclist,

and any other tricks you ever want to do or talk about comeback anytime, Phil. Hell yeah, I'll juggle knives, fire, whatever. Yep, knives and fire next. Even though you dropped three bowling pins in 60 seconds, let's raise the stakes. Let's go. Knives and fire here, everybody. There he goes. Phil Iwinski, everyone.

There he goes. This is it. It's everybody's favorite part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. It is a special time where we check in with one of our favorite human beings on the planet, an incredible regular here on Kill Tony. And he is not present tonight. He is still in Wyoming. And he sent us in something to check in with.

So this is the set that was sent in by the great. Michael Lairor. Here we go. I worked in restaurants so much that once in a while, like I'll become a manager. I'm like, okay, I'll take all those keys. You mind if I steal all the time and fuck in here?

You know, Hollywood, Hollywood does not have a monopoly on cocaine, all right? Because I'll tell you this much. Matthew Perry ain't got shit on the general manager at CPK Burbank, all right? because you cannot talk about Thai chicken pizza all day and not do some fucking cocaine. I grew up in Queens

and I've always been, I was always white Mike, you know, it was just like that guy in junior high, IS-237 because in New York the school sounds like jails. But I was always into rap music and I feel like my lifelong interest in rap music, made me super gluttonous and made me horny as fuck, all right? I just want to put it out there.

You know, I'm in an awkward position where, you know, I don't say this to be cute or clever, or I think this is a real funny joke, but, like, one of my favorite songs has the N-word in it. It's like, that's like, you know, it's like my joy is my cage on that one. And, you know, someone asked me, like, what's the name of your favorite song?

like, oh yeah, it's a Bobby Shrewder, a hot lady. It's like, what's wrong with you? Like, I just ask you a simple question. You can't answer a simple question. No, no, no, no, it's not, no, I don't, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm sorry, my favorite song has the N-word in the title. It's just, but it's, I mean, I should be able to say it's my favorite song. It's obviously not bad.

It's just, you know, it's Barbara Shmuda, hi, hi, yeah. I think, I think 90% of my problems in life are caused by bad breathing. which sucks because it means the fucking chiropractors were right you know

and they fucking are right about most of the shit they say but they're so condescended always asking you what your shits look like don't judge me if you study pictures

of shit all day to know what they mean I'm an Armenian birthday party catering waiter in Glendale the Armenian the Armenian capital

of the world Armenians are amazing I love them so much I never want to work for them again. But at Armenian birthday parties, they're amazing. It's family style. The table is covered in the most amazing Mediterranean spread you've ever seen.

When it comes to, like, drinks, there's a bottle of tequila, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of whiskey, pellegrinos, a pitcher of water, and a pitcher of Coke. So it's like Scarface and Chucky Cheese. And between every course they dance and there are no wallflowers at an armenian birthday party everybody dances everybody it's amazing and then they sit down the band stops the lights come up they eat

another course of meat like all that fucking dancing never happens thank you on michael lair creative force michael lair follow him at michael lair comedy go to michael laircom check out everything on his website. Let's check in with the drawing, tonight's drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt. Let's check it out here. What are we got? What are we got here?

Can we, uh, wow. Look at that. Oh my goodness. That really looks like Matt Edgar. That looks like Red Band. That looks like me. Wow. Is that like a skull?

Is that kind of like a... That is. That's a fucking skull, man. Ryan J.E. Belt is on a whole other level. All of his prints are available at Ryanjeebelt.com. This one is Un-fucking real. I think I might buy this one myself.

We'll see what happens here. I've got to take another look at that. Ryanjiebelt.com for all the prints. That's the real bread and butter of Kill Tony March. There's also some shirts available at his website at DeathSquad.com. And Ryan J.E.E.Belt. How about a big hand for Matt Edgar tonight?

His new album, Take the L, available everywhere. This is a young man that I've worked with for a long time. What else, Matt? You want to plug anything else? Your social media or anything? Just go at Matt Edgar on all things. And that's Matt with 1T, M-A-T, Edgar. E-D-G-A-R.

Thank you, Tony. Thank you. One more time for Matt Edgar, everybody. How about I hand for Jeremiah Watkins, the leader of the band. Jeremiah, go ahead. Tell us what you have going on. He has a new album coming out, his debut album coming out in December. Yeah, debut special coming out on December 8th.

And I have a new merch store at Jeremiah Watkins. Check that out, and I'll be in New York the first week of November. Oh, yeah? What are you going to do in New York the first week of November? I'll be out there doing some podcasts and shows. Oh, cool. Yeah. Very cool.

All right. How about a big hand for Jetsky Johnson, everyone? Foyle. Picked her moments tonight. Hit Grand Slams. As always. What else is shaking Jetsky? You have ornaments for sale available at Jetskyjohnson.com.

I love the ornaments. I bought 25 of them myself, just so... I thought you bought 30 of them. them last week. 30. Oh my God. I've got to get back for the workshop. Make some more. Jetsky Johnson.com. Thank you.

We love Jetsky. Incredible stuff, Jetsky. Thank you. How about a hand for Kroma Chris back there? Kroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? I think we about covered everything, Tony. Hey, Kroma.

Kroma's got a new music video out for his sponsor, Orange Amplifiers. That's out there. Sweet. On YouTube. Yeah, it's super cool. Cool. That's awesome. That was some of the Kill Tony family helped him out with that.

The Great Rick Kosick, Keel Yulberg, Van Corona. And who else? Am I missing one there? Who's the other guy? Keel and, yeah, Van Corona. And there's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez tonight, everybody. At times, urinating while talking loudly in the main room, moving around a lot, very loudly, not really picking the correct moments to speak or make jokes at all.

Very awkward throughout the entire episode. What's going on, Joel? Nothing, dude. Bring back rock and roll, dude. Have fun. Love each other. Peace out. There he is.

He's mostly sorry on social media and on the podcast and on tonight's episode. He's mostly sorry. Red Band? Check out my virtual reality podcast, virtual Red Band or show. It's on YouTube.com slash Red Band. I do it about three or four times a week. Absolutely, he does.

And I have a Patreon. It's a roast school. Very exciting stuff. Jeremiah was on last week. Just did a crowd stream yesterday. And fun stuff's happening over there. It's patreon.com slash Hinchcliffe. And more fun, kill-tony stuff.

It's got to get even better soon. I think good news is coming right around the corner as far as perhaps performing in front of a live audience in some capacity, I'm sure. It can only get better. So stay tuned for that. Thank you, everybody. Good night.