KILL TONY - KILL TONY #48

Episode Date: May 12, 2014

Freddy Lockhart, Shawn Halpin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron PeteeC, Brian Redban – Date: 04/21/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices...

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Don't forget, there's video portions to this podcast. Just go to DeathSquad.TV, find the episode you want, and click on the photo, and that will take you to our Vimeo page. We have tons of podcasts in video format. Actually, almost all of them are in video format. So please, check us out, DeathSquad.TV. Also, this week, Vegas.
Starting point is 00:00:26 This is it, man. Death squad Vegas this Friday, uh, May 16th. It's me, Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana. We might even have some surprise guests. It's one show one night only Friday, May 16th, 8 PM at backstage 8 p.m. at Backstage Bar and Billiards. And that's in downtown Vegas on Fremont Street. So go to DeathSquad.tv for all your tickets. And don't forget, we're also going to be at Comic-Con 2014 this year. If you live in San Diego and you're a comedian or you want to try to be one, we have a show for you. We have Kill Tony on July 23rd followed by a
Starting point is 00:01:07 Thunder Pussy right after it. So July 23rd, we have Kill Tony, Thunder Pussy, and then the following day, July 24th, we're having a Death Squad Super Show, which is going to be a bunch of comics right after each other, one after each other. This is our third or fourth year doing
Starting point is 00:01:24 Comic Con at the American Comedy Company. So go to AmericanComedyCo.com or go to DeathSquad.tv for all our links. Also, check out the Death Squad studio auction. We are doing these auctions on eBay to pay for everything. If you go to DeathSquad.tv, you'll see a big eBay box on the right side. Or just click on the link that says
Starting point is 00:01:43 Studio Auction on the top menu. That will take you to some limited edition Death Squad stuff including a new shirt an unreleased shirt that we never released that's we have a bunch of new stuff being added all the time so if you're a fan and you're looking for some one-of-a-kind gifts or presents or just some collectibles go to DeathSquad.tv and check out our eBay auctions and also our ShopSquad.tv and check out our eBay auctions. And also, our ShopSquad.tv t-shirt is holding on by a thread. There's a few sizes left, and it's almost sold out. So go to ShopSquad.tv for the official Death Squad t-shirt. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Starting point is 00:02:31 Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, volume two. Give it up for the brand new Tony Hinchcliffe.
Starting point is 00:02:44 Guys, this is a brand new Tony Hinchcliffe, everyone, this is a brand new Tony Hinchcliffe, everyone. A lot of you might have expected a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Nope. It's a brand new me. I just went through a complete DNA cleanse recirculation
Starting point is 00:02:59 and it's a whole new me. I'm eating meat again. That's right. I'm sucking dicks. It's like a whole... Dude, I was so worried about you. When you went through that vegan thing and started doing the dick sucking and the not eating meat thing.
Starting point is 00:03:10 That was so weird to be your friend. All our friends. I know. Now I'm healthy again. I'm feeling much better now that I have cheese and meat running through my veins. I just feel totally refreshed. I'm really excited. One could say I've had my batteries recharged. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:03:25 It's a prop, guys. It wasn't even meant to be there. And I just went with it. I improvised that right then, guys. That is fucking comedy. Am I right, Balcony? Balcony's alive. First floor, obviously our ticket broker
Starting point is 00:03:41 had the week off, I do believe. Well, we actually skipped a week. Last week, we didn't have a show. That whole tour that we were on, that was a big, crazy mess of scheduling. It's hard to do a Kill Tony after a three-different-city tour. We did Portland, Seattle, and then Vancouver on 420, which was last Sunday, which is really crazy in Vancouver, guys. They celebrate 420 there by all smoking pot in front of their city hall.
Starting point is 00:04:10 And there's cops everywhere, and there's kids and adults, and everybody's getting high. And you could basically literally blow it in a cop's face. They're just selling it to anybody. Yeah, like holding up pounds of weed in front of cops. No medical card necessary. Vancouver just fucking balls when it comes to pot. They just really, and they just love it. And it was amazing. I was there when they
Starting point is 00:04:29 counted it down at 420 on 420 and the energy was fucking beautiful. So if you ever get to make it to Vancouver, good time to pick, April 20th. It's a very fun time there. I highly recommend it. I was smoking with a kid there and I thought he was just a skater kid, like maybe like 18 or 19.
Starting point is 00:04:46 And he was in eighth grade. Yeah. It's really creepy when a kid passes you a joint and then puts a pacifier in his mouth. Right. That's when you know you're smoking with somebody really young. Legit. Talk about Pokemon.
Starting point is 00:05:01 Really, there's a lot of young kids smoking in public. And it made me think of when we were kids, how far into the woods you had to go to smoke pot and hide. And these kids are literally in front of City Hall. Cops just going, hey, kids. Yeah. And then we had a fun week. We got back in town.
Starting point is 00:05:19 Unfortunately, we didn't do a Kill Tony last week. So this is episode 48. And things are good. We had an exciting weekend opening up for the great Dave Attell and Brea. Fucking awesome. Getting to watch him work was amazing. You guys like Dave Attell? Anybody?
Starting point is 00:05:33 Wow. The guy's a fucking machine. And it was just so, so definitely, you know, my new favorite comic to watch live is him. Getting to watch how he makes jokes is incredible. Tried to get him on tonight, guys, but he was booked. And you seven people would have had so much more fun had he been here.
Starting point is 00:05:54 No, I'm kidding. But instead, of course, I always have funny people on. But what we do is we always have a head of security to keep us safe, right? Yeah, sure do. And this week will be no different. This is the return of a patriot who we've had on once before. He is back, one of the favorites of the fans. Put your hands together for Iron PDC, the Iron Patriot, everybody.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Here he is. Oh, it's tough to get around. One of our... Heck yeah. What's up, Iron Patriot? Oh, feeling good. Thanks for having me back. Heck yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:32 You guys are so forgiving. Yeah. Already killing one of our shortest Patriots that we've had. You sort of look like a seven-year-old on Halloween right now. Yeah, I'm sure all the other Patriots have big camel toes up here. Yeah, it's true. Kill, kill, kill.
Starting point is 00:06:54 Fuck yeah, Patriot. Oh, there we go. Oh, God. All right. Fuck yeah. So, what's going on Pete what's been happening man How you doing I'm doing pretty good
Starting point is 00:07:13 Got my car towed today Feel good about that Oh wow car towed So I had to ride the bus down here It's actually a sad day For some of us comics There used to be a parking spot that we all got to share because we as a comic have to park uh and we don't get free parking here so we have
Starting point is 00:07:32 to pay sometimes up to 20 a day just to come here just not to do any time so we actually lose money just hanging out here half the time and uh so there was one spot that we all kind of shared but not you know like whoever got there first got it. There's a secret spot right next to Pink Dot. Pink Dot secret spot. But they just caught on after years of abuse. Toad me. Can you say that three times really fast, Patriot? Pink Dot secret spot.
Starting point is 00:07:59 Pink Dot secret spot. Pink Dot secret spot. Pink Dot secret spot. That's great. Very good. This is one of our most powerful patriots we've ever had. It's a shame other patriots weren't so talented along the way. It's a real shame.
Starting point is 00:08:15 And you know what the best thing about you is? We know you'll never stab us in the back. Right? That's right. You'll never just abandon ship. That's right. I almost duct taped the sword down when he was up here earlier. Heck yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:26 A little scared. Very loyal. Very loyal member of the Kill Tony team, the Iron Patriot. He's PDC on Twitter. That's P-T-E-C. I also have a feeling he'll never try to fuck my shih tzu. Definitely not. You probably don't slam car doors as hard as you possibly can either.
Starting point is 00:08:46 Is that what happened to your window? It could have been. It could have been. All right. You broke Tony's window. My driver's side window was broken, guys. I had to get that fixed today. Only $430.
Starting point is 00:08:59 Now, believe it or not, believe it or not, I know you guys are looking around at this huge turnout tonight and the fact that it's free tickets i don't really make 430 dollars uh that easily but all for a window guys thank goodness i got a bmw uh when everybody told me that i should just lease a car you won't have to pay for repairs. I said, you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to get the used BMW that I always wanted. Nothing's going to break. It's all going to be fine. And every couple weeks, something gives for a few hundred
Starting point is 00:09:31 bucks. But it's good. Was there a part of you that was like, no, I'm going to just saran wrap it for a couple weeks? There was a part of me. There was a part of me. I would have done that probably. I'd probably just saran wrap it. Been that guy. When I did Brea over the weekend and I had to drive back an hour and ten minutes
Starting point is 00:09:49 with no window, and you learn immediately. You're like, okay, fuck it. I need a window. Right. Yeah, driving on the freeway at nighttime with no window sucks. Try it one time. Just roll your driver's side window all the way down next time you're driving from Anaheim or Irvine or Brea or Ontario or any of those.
Starting point is 00:10:06 Remember like being in Ohio, all three of us, when it was so cold outside that the ice was so powerful on the windows that you would just roll them down so you wouldn't be late for work. So you'd be driving just because there was too much ice on the windows. Did he have a job? Yeah. What? He had a job. He said he was driving to work. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:24 I thought that was odd of course I have jobs you don't think I have jobs I never had a job guys I was gonna have Donald Sterling
Starting point is 00:10:34 on the show tonight um turns out some stuff happened he was a little bit busy I was gonna have him be the patriot actually
Starting point is 00:10:42 that would have been fun right Pete that would have been fun, right, Pete? That would have been excellent. Anyway. Anyway, is that his girlfriend right there? What? Donald Sterling. What are you doing?
Starting point is 00:10:53 Crowd work right now, Patriot? What's going on over here? Boo-boo, boo-boo, boo-boo. Guys, who's ready to meet tonight's guests, everybody? I know I am. I'm so excited about this one, ladies and gentlemen. I need a drink. Yeah, they're coming.
Starting point is 00:11:10 Two of my good, good old friends. Put your hands together for them. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Sean Halpin and Freddie Lockhart. Whoa. Oh, snap. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Sean, welcome.
Starting point is 00:11:32 Been trying to get you on for a long time. Freddie, this is your second time on the show, correct? Thanks for having me back. Welcome back. This is my second time. Is it? Yeah. I did have you on before?
Starting point is 00:11:41 Yeah, thanks for remembering. Oh, awesome. No, I couldn't. We're really close. It's all a big mishmash. Well, welcome back, both of you. Oh, yeah, you were on with Martindale, thanks for remembering. We're really close. It's all a big mishmash. Well, welcome back, both of you. Oh yeah, you were on with Martindale, the double Dallas. Yeah, the double Texas thing. We used to have a friend from Dallas.
Starting point is 00:11:58 But some of them, sometimes you just can't trust those Texas rattlesnakes. There's some water right here. I like the new and improved. Heck yeah. Yeah, this is amazing. Yeah, yeah, wow.
Starting point is 00:12:13 Thanks, Josh. Oh, Josh Martin, everybody. Some people know him as the worst podcast producer in the world. You suck. He did a guest spot on one of Attell's shows and killed this weekend, guys. That should keep him from jumping off the ledge for another few weeks.
Starting point is 00:12:33 Even Attell told him that he did a good job. What? I want you to step back from that ledge, my friend. That's what played in his head when that was happening. I'm still going to jump. He's still going to jump. Okay.
Starting point is 00:12:47 He's still going to jump, he said. Just don't block my car with your fucking splatter. Fuck yeah. And by splatter, he means after you say something, what comes out of your mouth. He's got a speech impediment, guys. He spits when he talks. He has no ability for R's or L's. Sometimes even OU words get confusing.
Starting point is 00:13:09 So, guys, welcome back. I'm so excited to have you. What's been happening in your world? Sean, you just had a CD come out. Yeah, I have a CD out on iTunes called Texas Crude. Recorded it in Vegas and produced it and did everything myself so it was good.
Starting point is 00:13:28 That's awesome. And I heard a little, yeah, give it up for that guy. Yeah, buy it on iTunes on my website. Anybody who doesn't have a special should be clapping right now. Freddie, I hear a rumor
Starting point is 00:13:37 in the grapevine that What's Good is coming back soon. Yes, it is coming back. It's a video now. It's a mobile video. It's mobile. We move around now. No more fucking sitting in a studio and asking
Starting point is 00:13:49 hey, when did you get into comedy? Oh, this is when I got into comedy. I'm sick of it. I don't care. You know who the best is, who I love on that is, his name escapes me, from Nova Scotia. The kid. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. My little my son out there. That reporter kid. Yeah, that reporter kid.
Starting point is 00:14:05 Yeah, that reporter kid. That reporter kid. He's like 16 and funny and cool. He's going to be the coolest kid ever. Totally. By the time he gets to be 18. Exciting. Iron Patriot, all of our heads of security always have a question for our guests.
Starting point is 00:14:22 What do you got for us tonight, Patriot? Well, Freddie, you're black. What's that like? Good question. He's asking for his friend, Donald Sterling. You know, I'm half, so I'm kind of like I know I can tell you what it's
Starting point is 00:14:40 like to be black, Arab, Asian because I've been accused of all. And even white, too. It's cool, I guess. It's cool. You've really improved since the last time I've been here. You look more aerodynamic.
Starting point is 00:14:57 And the shoes are much more practical, too. I like that. You look a little more stone than last time. Last time, you didn't look so stone. You look a little more stone. I smoked that weed. It makes me get a little crazy. No, you get it.
Starting point is 00:15:11 Yeah, I like it. I like it. I like it. Try to sit down, Pete. He could also sit down on like stools and stuff. Look at that. Look how quick he got up there. And I didn't hear the...
Starting point is 00:15:19 Wow. Wow, he could even cross his leg. Holy shit. Man, some patriots before. Yeah, man. Oh, he tried to shoot one back, but nothing came. He shot a blank. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:15:34 No, you got to settle down up there, you crazy motherfucker. Do you have a question for Sean? Well, I think I have a follow-up question to Freddie's question. You're not black. What's that like? He went for it. Well, I think I have a follow-up question to Freddie's question. You're not black. What's that like? He went for it. Got the horns on him. That, too, is pretty awesome because it's like when the cops go looking for a black guy,
Starting point is 00:15:55 they're going to roll past me thinking I'm Mexican. So, you know, that also helps. Hey, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Sean. Oh, my bad. I still feel a little bit of racism under that suit coming through. Oh, one of your lights went out. Oh, there you go. No, it's good.
Starting point is 00:16:10 It's a tap light. Yeah, are those a tap light? No. That's right. Shout out to our sponsors, by the way. I forgot. That's going to cost us a lot of money. Shout out to our sponsors. Ikea for the lights on the Patriots palms and our friends over at
Starting point is 00:16:25 Duracell. Duracell battery. We keep you going. Try our new Pure Alkaline. It'll have been out for 20 years. Good till December 2022. And as always, our friends over at McDonald's. I'm loving it. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:16:41 And Ice Cream Fire. And Ice Cream Fire. Oh yes, and Ice Cream Fire. The lovely, lovely duo and tandem. anyway an ice cream fire oh yes an ice cream fire the lovely lovely duo in tandem did you have an answer for what's it like to be white Sean? yeah right now the question wasn't what's it like to be white
Starting point is 00:16:56 the question was what's it like to not be black just to clarify you say tomato I say what's it like to be white it was good for a couple years You say tomato, I say what's it like to be white? It was good for a couple years. It's not so good now. But here they come.
Starting point is 00:17:15 Thank you. I just think being white or being black is just a feeling, bro. Yeah. Just a feeling. It is just a feeling. Sometimes you feel. It's just a feeling. It is just a feeling. You know? You ever like, sometimes you feel white, and sometimes you feel black.
Starting point is 00:17:29 Right. If this panel proves one thing, that it's not about white or black, it's about the girth of your beard. I'm so jealous of you guys. What I would give to be able to have one of those things, but I don't have the fucking testosterone running through my body. Yeah, but we were just talking about that outside. You just got to let it grow.
Starting point is 00:17:44 Yeah, that's all you got to do is shave. People always stop. How'd you do it, man? Just don't shave. Yeah, I don't think you guys understand what's going on over here. Tony, you just started eating meat. Give it a couple of days. You haven't had to tampon in for two weeks.
Starting point is 00:18:00 Being a... No, that's not what... You're a vegetarian? No, I still am I was making a joke because he said it's a brand new Tony Hinchcliffe I'm I've been a vegan well I eat fish but I don't eat dairy or meat
Starting point is 00:18:12 and I'm a fucking winner so it must be proven that it works anyway I'm a crazy show tonight guys over 25 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do a minute and then talk with us afterwards. Maybe we add something on your joke.
Starting point is 00:18:27 Maybe we just meet you. Do we have a Dean signing tonight, though? Yeah, ladies and gentlemen. I just noticed that myself. Put your hands together for Dean Gelber, everyone. Former general manager of the comedy store. Let's take it back to 08. He was my
Starting point is 00:18:43 boss for years, guys. At first, we didn't like each other very much. And then we were like father and son, brother and brother. Dean Gelber is a great guy. And Laney and Jerry have always been two of our favorite regulars. I don't think you guys have missed an episode. Right, exactly. And some lovely vacation.
Starting point is 00:19:04 We're so yawning in the car. Some amazing place. Unless we're in Hawaii. All right. So you guys know how this show works. Every comedian that gets picked out of this bucket comes on and does a minute. You know that your minute's up
Starting point is 00:19:23 when you hear that sound of a little kitty. Aw, how cute and adorable. Don't run the light, guys, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Gets a little bit crazier each week. That fucker's angry.
Starting point is 00:19:45 Hell yeah. He was like one of those DJs. It's like he's really doing something amazing. Yeah, he's like a dubstep DJ. Like he was all into it. Just pressing buttons. That was just one button. Fuck yeah, guys.
Starting point is 00:19:57 So what do you say? Are you ready for Kill Tony 48? Yeah! Pretty crazy stuff. There's an interesting vibe in the room tonight. There's almost like a pink elephant that nobody wants to talk about. But everybody can clearly see,
Starting point is 00:20:13 even though maybe we told that pink elephant to stay out of our sight line, but who would have guessed that that pink elephant can't take clear direction and orders? Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Jennifer Gable. What?
Starting point is 00:20:30 Jennifer. Got her purse with her. She's coming. It's like the price is right when they run down here. She's coming. Jennifer Gable. Say hello to people on the way. There she is, hi Jennifer
Starting point is 00:20:45 Hi Oh come on, Josh Everybody boo Josh Martin real quick Now put your hands together for Jennifer Gable everyone Jennifer Gable Oh, come on, Josh. Everybody boo Josh Martin real quick. Now put your hands together for Jennifer Gable, everyone. Jennifer Gable. Hi, I'm Jennifer Gable. I recently came out of both closets.
Starting point is 00:21:19 Thank you. Thank you, everyone. No, really, I mean that. Thank you, everyone. except for you over there but yeah I realized that one of my closets had way too many shoes in them so yeah I'm bisexual, blonde, and a German Jew
Starting point is 00:21:36 which basically just means I'm confused so yeah I'm confused about a lot of things like how guys try to ask me out here in LA. This guy asked me out for cottage cheese the other day. And I was like, um, cottage, really? I think I might have a yeast infection.
Starting point is 00:21:53 So you're in luck. Um, yeah. And then this guy texted me at 5am the other day. He was like, booty call? Question mark. I'm like, that's not a booty call. That's a wake up call. Okay. That's what that is. Um, call. That's a wake up call.
Starting point is 00:22:06 That's what that is. I don't know. People can't drive here in LA. Whoa! It won't shut off. Can I tell one more joke? I did not mean that. No, that's... That's my time?
Starting point is 00:22:30 Yeah. That was a minute? Really? You want to let her do one more? It was a minute 24 seconds if you count the bear at the end. I broke it. Maybe...
Starting point is 00:22:42 Oh my God, you really did. You got to let her reset. Stop sounds. maybe oh my god you really gotta let it reset stop sounds it's a big button that says stop sound use only in case of emergency all right jennifer gable fuck yeah welcome. How you doing? I'm good. How are you guys? Good. Where are you from? I'm from the D.C. area.
Starting point is 00:23:08 How long have you been out here? Like four years or so. How long have you been doing stand up? All my life, ever since I could walk. Wow. Yeah, a long time. No, I mean, I started 2008 in the East Coast, and then I didn't do it for a while and did the acting thing.
Starting point is 00:23:22 And yeah, back in doing the stand-up thing. Cool. So the both closets thing, I was a little confused on that. Were you? Does that mean that you came out of the closet and you were inside a closet? You don't know what that means?
Starting point is 00:23:45 What's both closets? I explained it. Bisexual. Oh. But that's only one closet. I know, but whatever. I was just thinking she has a really big house. Already trying to get more closet space. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:01 Was there somebody also in the back of the room that you were like, except that person, then I was like, who's mad? Yeah, like a random person. See, I wasn't a part of anything. I find a lot of people do that. They'll go, yeah, I'm from Cleveland.
Starting point is 00:24:19 Thank you. Well, no one's going to respond because no one's from Cleveland. It's like waiting on that response is kind of weird. Do you hook up with more guys or girls? More guys. Yeah. What's your favorite thing about the option?
Starting point is 00:24:36 What do you like about it? I'm just horny is really what it is. Is there a certain time? Show's over. Just a horny girl. But also, it seems like when women, and this is not all women, I'm not grouping everybody together. I'm just saying sometimes it's like when they start out,
Starting point is 00:25:03 and I guess guys do this too, it's like you have to tell where you're from and fucking dating. You didn't give me enough time. It was a minute. It was a minute. That was what you gave me. But I think also too with the bitching about dating, there's got to be things you like about dating.
Starting point is 00:25:21 If you keep meeting these wrong people, fucking fix yourself or meet other people. Yeah, no, for sure. I don't settle. I don't know. Do you have relationships that last long? I've been in a couple, yeah,
Starting point is 00:25:37 for at least a year. How old are you? Pay now. Should we guess? I guess. Yeah, guess. 24 to 30. What old do you want me to be? Old enough to know.
Starting point is 00:25:55 Is it still an offensive? In 2014, it's still offensive, really? It's like it's the 50s. It's like, say your fucking age. It's so stupid. Who cares? If you get famous, they're going to look you up. I'm like seven.
Starting point is 00:26:06 That's so ridiculous. No, I'm like 10 years old, really. All right. Well, I'm 34. I'm happy to be 34. I have nothing to hide. Good. No, that's good.
Starting point is 00:26:13 Yeah. Yes. I used to be younger, and now I'm not. But I would advise this of you. Say what you said to us. I'm horny and all that stuff. Just the honesty thing. Just come up and do that. And then you can do us. I'm horny and all that stuff. Just the honesty thing. Just come up and do that.
Starting point is 00:26:26 And then, you know, you can do the, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with the formalities. I'm so-and-so from so-and-such place. But maybe work with the bisexual joke. Maybe I came out of a double-door closet something. There's something there. You know what I mean? There's something there. But you kind of set us up and then left us hanging on that a little bit, I thought.
Starting point is 00:26:42 But I thought the premise was interesting. Two closets. Okay, let's see how she sets this up. But it's like, you know, the linen closet and the hall closet, you know, something. Something more with the closets. And to do with sex. Sexual innuendo, obviously. And coming out of the closet,
Starting point is 00:26:59 I think it's still going to be one closet. I think you could say something, because there's only one closet. But I think you could say something because there's only one closet. I know. But I think you could say something like I came out of the closet and I was sucking a dick while I was doing it. There was a crawl space in that closet.
Starting point is 00:27:14 I thought I came out but then I had to come out of a fucking closet once I came out of the crawl space. Maybe you come out of the closet and go back in. As a bisexual, is that the best thing? Is that your unicorn to have like
Starting point is 00:27:26 to eat a vagina that's had a dick in it recently? Oh. Yeah, that's like the bifecta. Like you can still taste it. It's like a turd ducking. Ew. Fucking. Oh, why is that gross?
Starting point is 00:27:38 You like both things. You can't say ew. I should be able to put a dick or a vagina in your mouth and you're going to be like. It's twice the genitalia it's like a twice big potato so many STDs I don't hook up with a lot of people
Starting point is 00:27:50 I don't want to get AIDS I don't know just like dirty everyone's like if you're hanging out with the type of people that have STDs then that's a different thing but I like to think that it's more of a placebo effect that you can't catch something that you don't believe is there. That's my form of prevention.
Starting point is 00:28:11 Are you scared of Bigfoot right now? What? Are you scared of Bigfoot right now? Bigfoot, no. Then you should be scared of getting AIDS from having a dick and a vagina. No, you know what I mean? No, but they say half people have HPV or whatever. How does that connect?
Starting point is 00:28:24 There's a little left turn there. I'm pretty sure Brian thinks Bigfoot has AIDS. We need a diagram for that thought. You'd have to catch him to test him, too. He wouldn't sit still. Then he'd deny everything. I don't get to tell my age. Oh, well.
Starting point is 00:28:41 I'll come back. I don't know. I guess you're in your late 20s to early 30s. Am I right? Yeah. There. All right. Bullshit. Yeah in your late 20s to early 30s. Am I right? Yeah. Bullshit. I'm only saying that not off of your look. She looks my age or younger.
Starting point is 00:28:52 But off of your hey now. There's no way anybody 29 or younger would say hey now to the question. Girls still do that. No, they wouldn't. Yeah. Why? Because she made a Larry Sanders reference? When you ask her how old she is, she goes, hey now. Because she made a Larry Sanders reference that dated her? Yeah, Yeah. Yeah. When you ask her. Why? Because she made a Larry Sanders reference? When you ask her how old she is, she goes, hey now.
Starting point is 00:29:05 Because she made a Larry Sanders reference that dated her? Yeah, exactly. Hey now. Hey now. That means you're at HBO and we're old enough to say I'm late. It's not where you're not supposed to say how old you are as an actor, because then they'll be like, oh, I can't, you know. You can say how old you are, because now they can look that shit all up.
Starting point is 00:29:20 You can say how old you can play. They're going to look at you. They're not going to be like, your birth certificate says this. You can't get the part. It's like, look, if you can look like it, you can play. They're going to look at you. They're not going to be like, your birth certificate says this, you can't get the part. It's like, look, if you can look like it, you can play it. Are you more of a Laverne
Starting point is 00:29:29 or a Shirley? Yeah. I don't know. Have you thought about growing a beard? No. Okay. I heard all you have to do
Starting point is 00:29:39 is just let it grow. Like, if you just don't shave, it's not going to happen. Well, thanks, Jennifer. It was nice meeting you. Thank you very much. Good job. Good job.
Starting point is 00:29:48 Good job. Bisexual. Fuck yeah. Jennifer Gable. Nice. She's funny. Good stuff. That's how it goes.
Starting point is 00:29:58 I love those German Jews. Those are rare. Those are German Jews? Yeah. The black German Jew? It's the best. They lease Mercedes-Benzes. They lease them.
Starting point is 00:30:07 The black German Jew is like the Neapolitan of the human race world. With the strawberry, of course, being... That's your own fill-in-the-blank on that one. You all get to mad-lib that one. You all get to mad lib that one. Any of the above. The white BMW. Fuck yeah. Pete, how you feeling so far?
Starting point is 00:30:31 How you doing over there? I'm feeling pretty good, buddy. Oh, yeah. You got one light out. She said she was horny. I got all iron hard over here. I bet. Is it crazy that I can see jealous expressions from the other ones?
Starting point is 00:30:43 Yeah, I know. I can totally read that from the other ones? Yeah, I know. He's giving me body language and it's very sullen. He's very sulky right now. Even his lights are a little dim. That mouth looks like a permanent frown now. This will be the longest walk. It looks like the light my dad used to work on the car with.
Starting point is 00:31:05 Let's keep this fun train moving along. We can't give too much attention to the thing that's up there. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Scott Kidd, everybody. Scott Kidd. There he is. Scott Kidd. Hi, everybody.
Starting point is 00:31:31 I'm Scott. I'm from the South. Despite what most people believe, we don't all marry our cousins. Some of us just fuck. I'm 30. I've been smoking for 16 years. I could have been doing push-ups for 16 years.
Starting point is 00:31:53 Maybe if I had been, I wouldn't look like a cigarette. I don't know how much time I have. Quitting smoking is hard. It's really hard. You have 20 seconds. Oh, I have 20 seconds. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:32:11 Just stay in the pocket, you scared fool. The linebacker's not even blitzing. I mean, you got receivers open? I'm just going to stand here like a dummy. All right, all right. I don't know, man. People are fucking assholes about me quitting and they should be more
Starting point is 00:32:27 enabling towards me. I mean, hell, I can keep a commitment until death do we part. Yeah, fuck. There you go. Thanks, Tony. Oh, jeez. Quit smoking. You need to quit comedy, Scott.
Starting point is 00:32:44 It's not that bad. No, I'm kidding. You're doing fine, whatever. Scott, let's just talk about performing for a second. Let's get off the material. I was watching this clock hit 28 and 29, and that's when you said, I don't know how much time I have.
Starting point is 00:33:05 It's better to fucking go and this is not just for this show but for anything. It's better to just go and be told later that something babbity bah than to look like a fool. It's always better to what is it? It was a saying about
Starting point is 00:33:21 ask permission or don't ask permission. It's better to ask for forgiveness than for a permission. Yeah, that's it. Better to ask for forgiveness than to fucking not go for it and be a giant pussy and look like a pussy up there. And God knows after 29 seconds he's saying, I don't know how much longer I got so I don't want to start something
Starting point is 00:33:38 and then fail. It's just better to alright, what are we doing here? A fog machine? But he came up here strong. Yeah, he came up strong. Grab the blowing fruity pebble serum. Talk to the audience. He looked like a surgeon who was about to go into surgery, but then all of a sudden...
Starting point is 00:33:53 And then he just falls off. He's like, hey, lady! Yeah, and then the weed kicks in. I don't think he did, but I think he came up. I think the ending, yeah, it went down in a Viking funeral at the end. And I'll admit, like he said, just keep fighting until the bell rings. You don't want to stop punching.
Starting point is 00:34:09 In everything, in life. But he did have a strong entrance, wouldn't you say? A pretty decent entrance. Good presence. I mean, this stuff about, it got a laugh. I mean, I saw it coming a mile away, the punchline. But it got a laugh. And it's a good way to just introduce yourself.
Starting point is 00:34:24 He's got a minute. You do look like a doctor. Yeah. You do look like a doctor. Yeah, you do look like a doctor. I would totally take your medical advice. Thank you. Not quite house, but like bachelor apartment. Nice. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:37 Studio, maybe? What are you doing? Punchdown? He pays for Hulu Plus. Wow. That's an instant. And you're 30, right? He pays for Hulu Plus. Wow. And you're 30, right? You said you're 30? He's 30. What do you think about that?
Starting point is 00:34:53 He could play 29. Thanks, Scott. I think he could play 19. I think he could play 19. Really? Really? Take off the glasses. Come on, guys. Let's go? Yeah. Yeah, totally. She said she'd read. Take out the glasses. Take out the glasses.
Starting point is 00:35:07 Come on, guys. Let's go skateboarding. Yeah. Put the glasses back on and put a gun in your mouth. Sorry. I think he looks like he could play either a tennis instructor or a student assistant or a teacher's assistant named Gary. And he lets the kids call him Gary because he's cool.
Starting point is 00:35:27 Or like Kirk Fox's brother. Or Dexter's. Not Dexter the serial killer. Dexter the laboratory Dexter. But he's got a good look. I like his look. Maybe like Doug the YouTube show. How about the
Starting point is 00:35:43 fucking Idiot's Guide guy? The Books for Dummies guy? How about that? I'll make you a million dollars guy, right? Where's the dollar sign on his suit? I can make you a million dollars.
Starting point is 00:35:57 50 different ways to make a million dollars. You want to get a grant? Didn't he go away? You would never believe it, but the government's giving away tens of thousands of dollars. You should do that. Yeah, and he was right, and they did.
Starting point is 00:36:11 Yeah. You should take his look and do comedy with his look. Yeah, what's that symbol on your shirt mean? What does that stand for? It's a green lantern, bro. I like DC, not Marvel or whatever's going on. Nerd, nerd, nerd, nerd.
Starting point is 00:36:25 Wow, there's a lot of, I would say, testosterone in this room, but it's not that. Yeah, I'm sure underneath that, it's like an Aquaman shirt. At least Aquaman. Green Lantern, really. That's an interesting choice. Because he was once questioned about his sexuality, whether or not he was racist. What did he say? No, they asked him, well, you
Starting point is 00:36:47 stick up for the yellow and the green, the blue. What have you ever done for the brown? And then in the 90s, they had a black-green lantern. Oh, my God. Who the fuck is this dork? Scott Kidd, everybody. There he goes. Very good job.
Starting point is 00:37:04 By the way, Jennifer Gable's on Twitter at Jennifer Gable, and Scott Kidd, everybody. There he goes. Very good job. By the way, Jennifer Gable's on Twitter at Jennifer Gable, and Scott Kidd is on Twitter at Devo Kidd with two Ds, for those of you listening. Because he looks like the guy from Devo, right? He does. Is that why you took that name, Scott? No. He said no.
Starting point is 00:37:22 You're not going to tell me why that's your Twitter handle? Okay, that's fine. He's actually the child of one of the guys in Devo. No way. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. Are you serious?
Starting point is 00:37:32 Scott, that's true? I didn't say that. You son of a bitch. It has to be true. I kept trying to place it, too. I was like, God, who does he look like? He looks so new wave. Fuck, yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:47 Exactly. Put the hat on. Somebody go get the red hat. The red tubular hat. And if it's the fellow who passed recently, my condolences, Scott. Oh, it was. Well, it looks like he's blown his conferences. You mean my dad?
Starting point is 00:38:04 Yeah, yeah. What was the most famous Devo song? What was that one again? Whip. You mean my dad? Yeah, yeah. What was the most famous Devo song? What was that one again? Whip It. Whip It. Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, shit, there's some Devo fans out there. I heard something off of the Unplugged album.
Starting point is 00:38:16 Yeah, I know. Fuck, yeah. When you guys started comedy, did you have a joke that you're embarrassed that you did that you can't believe you ever said on stage? You know, we got to talk about this because you always ask that question to people that you did that you can't believe you ever said on stage you know we got to talk about this because you always ask this that question to people that you've already been on the show so you're you should have a second question like like uh yeah
Starting point is 00:38:32 you did no okay well then yeah your second question which should be uh what's the craziest heckle you've ever gotten while performing stand-up comedy? I did one of those insane clown posse rallies. Really? Yeah, it was me and Pauly Shorewood did it. Pauly goes out. It was like 1.30 in the morning.
Starting point is 00:38:57 We're in this tent and this clown called Upchuck opened up for us. And then Pauly goes out before him, before the show started, got everybody riled up. And then Pauly goes out before him, before the show started, got everybody riled up. And then he comes back. He's like, okay, it's your turn to go up. And they're fucking throwing bottles at me.
Starting point is 00:39:12 Oh, my God. And I'm just sitting there fucking dodging bottles all the time. Bottles, bro. Yeah, and I had a Motley Crue shirt on. And out of nowhere, they're just like, Motley Crue sucks. I'm just like, hey, guys, we're here to have fun, right? And then throwing bottles. How long did you have to do?
Starting point is 00:39:27 I was supposed to do, I think, 20. And then I see Pauly on the side. He's like, just get off, bro. Just bail. You got to bail. How about you, Freddie? Do you have any crazy onstage moments? My first set as a paid regular here on uh april 26th of 2002 i um was getting
Starting point is 00:39:49 high with rick ingram in the back on white widow and it was looked like we weren't going to have a show that night but the rule was call mitzi and if there's more than six people in the audience they had to start the show where there wasn't till 10 p.m then it's like all right let's get high i'll get high i get high and then they're like hey guess what there's six people in the audience we're gonna start the show six old white guys hey, guess what? There's six people in the audience. We're going to start the show. Six old white guys. And I was like, oh, great. And they sit in the front row.
Starting point is 00:40:09 And I cannot connect with these guys. I cannot connect. And where are they from? My hometown of Tempe, Arizona. Oh, wow. But I'm so baked on fucking white widow that I'm like, Arizona, never heard of it. And then there was another night in the main room where a girl came up and then pulled her dress up and said, it's my birthday! And started
Starting point is 00:40:27 saying that, and then I shredded her for 15 minutes. And then Mrs. Brady from the Brady Bunch told me I did a very good job handling that bitch. Wow! There you go. Thank you. Two stories. Sorry, I had to squeeze them in. That is amazing. One time I was playing with my old band, Filthy Lobster,
Starting point is 00:40:43 and I was doing my song, Share My Papaya, and someone threw a papaya, and it hit me right in the fucking head. Wow. They shared that papaya, didn't they? They did. Yeah. And it hurts. Papayas hurt.
Starting point is 00:40:59 That's one of the heavier fruits. Probably gave you brain damage. Possibly. Could be. The looks of hate you're getting, I'm telling you right now. Your back of your head, he's cooking. He's trying to cook. Radiation. Put your hands together for your next comic,
Starting point is 00:41:15 everybody. His name is Big Al. Chinese government just decided that the Chinese... Whoa, look, there's two of you. Okay, fight it out later. Charlie Seen's ex, Brie Olsen, she's going to be in Human Centipede 3, which is pretty cool, but ass-to to mouth is probably the least thing she...
Starting point is 00:41:46 It's probably the least kinky thing she's done since Charlie Sheen. In Colorado, the fourth graders were caught smoking weed and selling weed at the school. The school found out after the kids were asking for seconds at the cafeteria. the school found out after the kids were asking for seconds at the cafeteria scientists just found out that monkeys uh if you give them the option between food and monkey porn that they'll always choose the monkey porn which is pretty amazing i was like wow they got monkey porn i'm gonna stop there because i think there's only a few seconds left. There you go. You're right. Held it right on time. There it is. Professional.
Starting point is 00:42:28 Very good. Thanks, man. Good monologue style. Yeah, that was great. He was prepared. He maximized his time. I'm having a slight asthma attack. I forgot my asthma inhaler. Oh my god, what do you use? Prevental?
Starting point is 00:42:45 Is that true? Yeah, I swear to God. Do you use Prevental? This is great podcasting right now. You want to drink water? What kind do you use? Prevental? I just got it.
Starting point is 00:42:51 I just found out I had asthma because I had an asthma attack. I might even have a Prevental in my car. I should know. Where's Josh? You want me to tickle you? No, it's all right, man. I'm having a hard time breathing. That's why I couldn't get that first joke out.
Starting point is 00:43:00 Wait a second. I've heard this one before. The old, oh, I just found out I have asthma. Brody used to tell that. My grandfather has asthma. They're going to let him keep his jaw blowing up rafts. Fuck yeah, Big Al. What did we talk about there?
Starting point is 00:43:24 The first one was he opened up a Chinese he was going to go for political geopolitical stuff but you changed you felt this wasn't a geopolitical audience I don't know I saw both of them and it beat me up for some reason
Starting point is 00:43:40 the same thing did with me but remember as a professional you gotta keep that in your head you know what I mean like you can't mention that shit I've done that before and been like holy shit me out for some reason. The same thing did with me, but remember, as a professional, you've got to keep that in your head. You can't mention that shit. I've done that before and been like, holy shit, two fucking guys who look like Iron Man. It freaked me out, man. Totally freaked me out. Yeah, you've just got to stay in the pocket and relax. If you ever see two
Starting point is 00:43:57 patriots out there, people already know. I thought shit was going down. The mirrors in this place, it's crazy. It freaked me out. So when did you find out you had asthma? It was two weeks ago. Wow. Two weeks ago.
Starting point is 00:44:14 Has anybody ever told you you sound like Mexican Batman with your new asthma? It was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Where is the Joker? Give me a gordito. Alfred, bring the lowrider around. Guacamole.
Starting point is 00:44:30 I'm Mexican. Jump the fence. You want guac with that? Too far. Yeah, it's like Christian... Mingle? I was going to say bail me out. Sorry, maybe it wasn't funny.
Starting point is 00:44:53 Christian Bill Bonds. That's what it is. That's perfect. Christian Bill Bonds. Yeah, I just found out I have asthma. That's why I couldn't get that one joke out all the way. But Men's Warehouse just hired me to be their spokesman. Chevy jokes.
Starting point is 00:45:07 But I think that's how, with the one minute, you probably timed it, or you go, this is how long are my jokes. I have this many. I'm going to cut it a little bit short if I have to finish strong. He adjusted well. Yeah, that was good. He did adjust. He didn't come up here and try to act like he had a 15-minute set. Right.
Starting point is 00:45:23 He got to business. Right? Yep. Big out. I like that. This is how you do it. He didn't come up here and try to act like he had a 15-minute set. He got to business. Right? Yep. Big Al. I like that. Killing it. He had an agenda.
Starting point is 00:45:34 He didn't plan to fail. He adapted and he overcame. The cafeteria joke was the same. Former Marine. That's why. He's a Marine. Semper Fi. Always ready. That's Latin for always ready.
Starting point is 00:45:43 I know. I didn't expect any less. Always faithful, too. What do you guys think monkey porn would be like? A lot of shit. A lot of German Jews. A lot of clapping. Clapping with samples.
Starting point is 00:45:57 A lot of dudes who went next going, oh, oh, oh, I went next. Showing a lot of monkey. A monkey just walks in an apartment with a pizza box filled with bananas. Buds and bananas. Is that a banana? Oh, it's a banana. Oh, and then that one part
Starting point is 00:46:16 when you're like, oh, I fucked that up. Don't worry about that, man. We didn't know you fucked up until you told us you fucked up. Back to what he said about you know. I like the weed. Yeah. That was a good solid joke. You know what's weird about fucking up is that I had a
Starting point is 00:46:31 fuck up joke where I said it backwards over the weekend and I had a way around it. I wrote a way around it that still got the laugh. And you'll realize a lot of times it's energy. Look at Robin Williams. None of that shit makes sense. He just says it with emphasis and people people go, oh, man, that was great. That was funny.
Starting point is 00:46:49 That was funny. But it's good when you find yourself on stage like that, and it feels like you're treading water. And then when you connect it, it's just like rewarding. It's like someone threw you a life preserver out there, and you found your way out. But I say the kid came in here, he knew he had a three-minute fight, and he threw his punches, and he did well. Yeah, well, that was good. Fuck yeah. But I say the kid came in here, he knew he had a three-minute fight, and he threw his punches, and he did well.
Starting point is 00:47:05 Yeah, well, that was good. Fuck yeah. But I do like that style. I mean, later on in a longer set, we can probably get to know you and shit, but I like that quick monologue type of joke writing. I do. I practice pretty much every day. I read the news, and then I just write quick one-liners for a lot of the new stories.
Starting point is 00:47:22 That's good to do. And then I try to incorporate it into my own act, which is more personal. So you want to do topical stuff? I do a little bit of both. Do you have aspirations for a talk show or hosting? I keep that element of my mind working, so if I ever need to do it, I already know how to do it.
Starting point is 00:47:37 Good for you, man. He'll be prepared. What did they give you, an inhaler or something? Yeah, it's this little purple inhaler thing. Oh, purple, that's Abitair. You're using Abitair then. I don't know what it is. I've never had one of those. I got real asthma. You know what helps with it?
Starting point is 00:47:51 Weed. Makes you forget you have it, bro. Where is he? Let's get some weed. Batman's always saying that. No matter who he's asking, that's always the question. Where is he? Your waiter's in the back, Batman. Calm down. Where is he? I don't know. Your waiter's in the back, Batman. Calm down.
Starting point is 00:48:06 Where is he? He's going to be here in a moment. Fuck yeah, Big Al. Funny stuff, man. Always funny. What else? Cafeteria joke was great. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:18 Yeah, it was good. Seconds. Again, topical current. No. Fresh. Colorado kids. Clean. Colorado kids. Colorado kids. Got caught selling weed.
Starting point is 00:48:28 Yeah. And he's married, too. You're a married man, huh? Yes, I am. Good for you. Fuck yeah. What does the wife think about the newly diagnosed asthma? She explains all the wheezing I was doing in bed.
Starting point is 00:48:41 Yeah, so she's on top now. I wasn't just out of breath. Yeah. I wasn't just because I was a fat ass. Do you have a sleep apnea machine yet? No, I do not. You should get one. What the fuck is that? It's a giant mask that you put over your face
Starting point is 00:48:57 when you go to sleep at night to help you breathe better. It opens up all those things. They gave me one of those when I went in. That was a breathing treatment. An embolizer me one of those when I went in. Well, that was a breathing treatment, a nebulizer, if you will, and they put the saline treatment in it. So they put all this fucking liquid
Starting point is 00:49:12 in this little thing, and then steam started coming out. They told me to breathe. It's like hitting the vape. I've been doing that since I was eight. Nigga, I've been vaping since I was eight, homie. All y'all vaping. It was crazy. I thought I was having a heart attack. No, it's just asthma.
Starting point is 00:49:27 It's just a bitch. That's all it is. Keep your inhaler nearby with funny movies, extreme bong hits, or if you have to run. That's all. You'll be fine. Do you ever run? Yeah, actually, I go up Runyon Canyon. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:49:38 When the grilled cheese truck is up there? When the grilled cheese is up there. No, I'm breaking balls. I'm breaking balls. That's exactly when I'm running. You should have a food truck up there. I felt like I needed one. I like how they have that little trust tray.
Starting point is 00:49:50 Oh yeah, I've seen that. It sits there. It's got water and juices and granola bars. There's nobody there. You just grab what you need and put the money in there. It's the trust tray, man. Take it.
Starting point is 00:50:04 You just fill your backpack up and put a dollar in there. It's the trust tray, man. Take it. You just fill your backpack up and put a dollar in there. It's pretty cool. Big Al, thank you so much. Good job, Big Al. He's on Twitter at BigAssComedy. Believe it or not, that's his Twitter handle. BigAssComedy. I enjoyed Big Al.
Starting point is 00:50:20 Hell yeah. Big Al. He is big and his name is Al. And that's why he's Big Al, everybody. Am I right, people? Do you guys agree with me on that one? All right. He's Big Al, but the other one was Bi-Gal.
Starting point is 00:50:39 Oh, there you go. Big Al and Bi-Gal. Slide the G over. Playing a little boggle over here with you guys. Heck yeah. Thanks, bro. You want to answer how old you are now? I'm 50.
Starting point is 00:50:51 Answer the question. She said 42. By the way, the trick to having any woman tell you her age is by just guessing over. Yeah, yeah. And then they immediately correct you. tell you her age is by just guessing over. And then they immediately correct you. Like if I said 45 right now, she'd go, no, I'm 34. Why would you say that?
Starting point is 00:51:13 And that's how you get the actual answer. But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I'm just going to get three laughs off of acknowledging the overall point. I can always tell by their vagina. Oh, yeah? You look at the rings Purple rings He counts the ringworms
Starting point is 00:51:31 The shutters age after time They're out there hitting the weather This guy's fun because he gets nervous and he usually bombs really hard This should be exciting Put your hands together for Skyler He works at a strip club during the day bombs really hard, so this should be exciting. Put your hands together for Skyler, everybody. There he goes.
Starting point is 00:51:45 He works at a strip club during the day. He goes for it. He's not going to do what Scott Kidd did and just say, I don't know how much time I have. He's going to at least give it a shot. For a black guy, he's really slow. All right. So, my grandma recently set me up on a blind date. She gave me like a picture and an address.
Starting point is 00:52:13 And I went to the address and it was a psychiatry office. And it was really weird because they gave me pills. Well, she was really hot. So I was like, fuck it. Might as well go. She gave me a bunch of pills, and my mind was cloudy for three days. Man, I totally forgot it.
Starting point is 00:52:47 Oh, man. All right, I'll stop there. Really? What do you mean, stop there? You have to start something in order to stop something. What are we talking about? Stop what? So what?
Starting point is 00:53:04 What really happened? He wrote a joke on accident and it worked and it scared him and then he stopped. That's what happened. The fucking joke worked and it scared the shit out of him. Because when he was like, I forgot the joke, he just wrote it and didn't realize the pills made him fucking forget.
Starting point is 00:53:20 But he was wondering why they were laughing because it was funny. Is that why you guys were laughing? You had a joke there. I just don't think you realized you caught a fish in the fucking net. But he was wondering why they were laughing, because it was funny. Is that why you guys were laughing, right? You had a joke there. I just don't think you realize you caught a fish in the fucking net. Put it in the boat now, god damn it. Give it up in the middle of it.
Starting point is 00:53:36 I don't think I'm going to come. No, basically, it's hot doctor blind date pills make me pharmaceuticals make my mind cloudy but weed actually the fog of weed is actually better I can actually write I like forgetting the joke
Starting point is 00:54:01 in the middle because the pills made you forget the joke that's like mcnecto shit right there I like forgetting the joke in the middle because the pills made you forget the joke. You know what I mean? That's the... Yeah. So what's the actual... That's like Memento shit right there. He just broke down the wall. What's the actual joke?
Starting point is 00:54:11 Can you... Yeah, what is the joke? He just told you. He just said that was the joke. That was the joke. See, that's a... I remember from past times you've been on that you've had the kind of very similar things happen where you get halfway through the joke and then you lose confidence in it
Starting point is 00:54:25 or you kind of just kind of bail on it? Yeah, just kind of petered out a little bit. You've done this before, if I recall. Yeah, I have, I have. You look like a comic. You seem like, I believe you, if you're a staff writer on something, but then you just kind of like bailed.
Starting point is 00:54:40 Why'd you bail? Oh, no, I wrote the joke today, and then my mind just went blank. You wrote the setup today. You didn't write the punchline, did you? Or did you forget the punchline? Oh, yeah. The punchline is basically blind date. Right.
Starting point is 00:54:57 And then at the end, I say, well, you know, she was hot. And next time, pharmaceuticals make my mind cloudy So next time I'll bring the drugs for the date Right No I don't know There's nothing there There's nothing going on there Yeah see that's just like
Starting point is 00:55:17 That's almost something you should write On a Facebook page And go guys what do you think about this joke And write it out because I bet you If anyone comments or sees it or whatever, sometimes they're like, what the fuck, dude? Like, that's what they're going to say because that's not a, you know what a joke is, right?
Starting point is 00:55:32 That joke would kill at like an Alzheimer's make a wish where people forget what's going on from the setup to the punchline. They'd be like, you could just be the I forgot comedian and then when you get to I forgot everybody, that'll be like your getter done. You just have these elaborate setups.
Starting point is 00:55:48 These two guys walk into a bar and you know what? I forgot this shit. Just joke after. Why'd the chicken cross the road? Seriously, I forgot. I don't know. Why did he? And he gets to where the audience is just going, I forgot! Just I forgot t-shirts and I forgot
Starting point is 00:56:04 fucking antler things or whatever. the audience is just going, I forgot! Right, just I forgot t-shirts and I forgot fucking antler things or whatever. I forgot my deer blind. I would try to maybe, because your material in the past has all been pretty similar, I would probably try to change your style up.
Starting point is 00:56:21 I would probably, if I was, as a challenge, a self-challenge, I'd probably say, alright, this week, I'm going to write jokes that are about coffee, you know, and just like one-liners almost. You know, I would try just doing something like simple like tests almost, because
Starting point is 00:56:37 that whole thing right there, I could kind of see where you're going, but it doesn't really make sense. You know, so maybe instead of having less story-based jokes and more try to do one-liners first and then build stories around those one-liners. Have you been doing spots other places?
Starting point is 00:56:53 Yeah, the Ice House. How often? Maybe, well... Like parking spots or like stage spots? Leprosy? What are we talking? What kind of spots are we talking about here uh usually i do it like maybe like uh two times a week you know well not the ice house but then there's uh what's that place over the pig and whistle on sundays and then the ice house on wednesdays i have a little more more time and usually my jokes are longer. So, you know.
Starting point is 00:57:27 I like your look. Jesus Christ. You have a very soothing voice. Yeah. It's very... I've tried jazz radio stations. Hey there. I like his cadence kind of.
Starting point is 00:57:40 Can you do an impression? He seems very much comicated. The material just needs work. Can you say something that a radio jazz DJ would say? Can you give us a little... This is smooth jazz. 94.7. The wave.
Starting point is 00:57:56 Alright, you're not really good at that. He was kind of nervous doing that. Or K-Jazz. Or K-Earth. I think you're overthinking everything. Even with that, it's just like, you know. There's something there. He's got something. He's unique.
Starting point is 00:58:09 There is something. Do you smoke weed? You smoke weed? Yeah. Have you recently been put on pills? Yeah. For a while. Not recently.
Starting point is 00:58:19 Your grandma said that you're depressed? No, no, no. No, it was, I had like pills like maybe six months ago and that wasn't for depression. It was just for like, I kind of went nuts, so. Okie dokie.
Starting point is 00:58:36 That pretty much answers the question. Not really depression the other way. Right. Yeah, just craziness. Just craziness. Okay, so that's pretty much the answer. Did you re-find these pills in the last couple weeks or something?
Starting point is 00:58:50 No. You seem very mellow. No, no, no. Did you have a lobotomy in the past week? No, I'm just really tired. There you go. Fair enough. You should sleep a lot.
Starting point is 00:59:05 I recommend it. I think sleep's the bomb. But really, your shit might be all thrown off at your lack of sleep, man. I was driving this weekend on almost zero sleep, and at one point I thought I saw elephants run on the highway. I just saw this white flashing. Wait, why would I think there's elephants on? But that's how sleepy I was.
Starting point is 00:59:29 I mean, sleep is the most important thing ever. Why don't you get any sleep at all? Do you get any sleep at all? Are you always tired? Well, mostly I work at night and I write during the day. What are you writing? Because we know it's not jokes. Just kidding, guys.
Starting point is 00:59:44 That was a cheap shot. Stuart, I'm sorry you had to hear that. No, scripts and jokes. Oh, scripts. Like prescripts? No, no, prescripts. Scripts and jokes, pretty much. Well, keep rocking, man. Stay positive. Don't go crazy, Skyler.
Starting point is 00:59:59 You seem like a real... Seriously, try the one-liners, man. I don't know if you're big on Twitter, how much you use Twitter. I know you have one, but start trying to do one-liners on Twitter and try to get feedback. Online feedback is one of the biggest things now. If you say, hey, is this funny?
Starting point is 01:00:16 People go, hey, man, I think it's funny, but you could also add this. It's kind of what we're doing here. You do this on Facebook, you do this on Twitter. Really plan it out. But I think you should start with the joke first and then build the story around it first. Yeah, but when you do the tweets, you do this on Twitter, really plan it out. But I think you should start with the joke first and then build the story around it first. But when you do the tweets, you can't just come up with a half idea and then go, hashtag
Starting point is 01:00:31 I forgot. You've got to try to complete a thought in 140 characters. And then if you work that muscle out, then you'll be able to have more than... That hashtag might actually take off. I forgot. That's another funny thing right there. Skylar, keep rocking, man. Stay positive.
Starting point is 01:00:48 Good job. Skylar lives with his grandma and works security at a strip club and he's trying to get into the stand-up game. We need to go visit him sometime. I bet he can get us some stuff. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:03 Some butthole on the cheap cheap. Fuck yeah. I want to go to a strip club. You know me. I just love strip clubs. I love the life. I heard there's some good vegan options at strip clubs.
Starting point is 01:01:20 I would love to try the salmon at what is it? The Spearmint Rhino? No, it's Deja Vu. Deja Vu. There's a Deja Vu in every city, isn't there? His set was a Deja Vu. Fuck yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:35 All right. Well, guys, keep it rocking, shall we? How you guys doing out there? We lost connection with everybody. Skylar was almost like too sad. I'll spoon you later tonight. Maybe if there was only a bisexual up there
Starting point is 01:01:54 who might be interested. Oh, we can put her in the middle. Fuck yeah. You into bisexual cougars, Skylar? Cougar. Oh, come on. If you would have told us your age, I would have played nice.
Starting point is 01:02:09 Brought out the evil Tony. She might not be able to hear you. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that this guy's eventually going to be a brain surgeon. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ori Amir. USA! USA! Come on, sing along. You know the lyrics. USA! USA! We're number one! Yay!
Starting point is 01:02:47 Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, I did not mean to take credit for american arrogance exceptionalism sorry my english is sometimes a little bit honest but but you guys are number one i mean it i'm not just saying this because the nsa is listening please don't deport me no you guys mean, I just call you guys arrogant. And what was your reaction? Ha, ha, ha, it's true. Nowhere else in the world would people react this way, you know? In Pakistan, they would stone my sister. In Israel, it would be like, no, you can't make fun of us. We had the Holocaust. In France, how dare you insult my magnificence and culture. Go back to America.
Starting point is 01:03:29 So you guys are number one. And if you don't believe me, go back to where I came from. There you go. Ori Amir knows how to do it. Just comes in, kills. He's so lovable on stage.
Starting point is 01:03:46 You're like the Campbell's Soup Boy grown up and I love you. So true. Fuck yeah. Yeah, I got all smearing off there for you. I've seen this guy before here, haven't I? He's great, yeah. Where's he from?
Starting point is 01:04:00 Germany. Israel, actually. He's got German blood, but he's from Israel. My brother-in-law is German. He sounds like my brother-in-law. He's from Hamburg. You've been there? Yeah, I've been to Germany for like four months.
Starting point is 01:04:11 Oh, okay. I have my Hebrew accent. I've got a German side. I like you. I like your energy. German dick and a Jewish accent. Whatever. He's got it.
Starting point is 01:04:21 And he's a doctor? What's this guy do? Brain surgeon. Brain surgeon? No. Well, he works in that department right yeah I study neuroscience
Starting point is 01:04:30 but I'm not going to be a medical doctor I just dabble in neuroscience read some periodicals and have a few things published do you think we'll be able to print out brains using these printers? I mean, probably eventually,
Starting point is 01:04:50 but I don't know if you want to print a brain because it's like biological material. If you can do that, you probably... I meant to eat. Yes, yes. I want to eat Abraham Lincoln's brain. I'm working on it as we speak, yes. What if that becomes a delicatessen?
Starting point is 01:05:04 Like you could eat Abraham Lincoln's brain. Delicatessen? What would you like to tell him? It's a good one. Would they make sandwiches? Would you like to Abraham today? You want the brain? Pastrami?
Starting point is 01:05:20 I want the JFK brain over easy. Ori, how long have you been in America? Five years. Five years. Yeah, five years. What do you want, the crazy guy? Don't shit talk me, fucker.
Starting point is 01:05:39 Don't shit talk me. What are your favorite things about America? Yeah, what do you love? I love being a foreigner in America. You love the do you love? I love being a foreigner in America. You love being a foreigner in America? Yeah, you have... Jukebox hero! Big foreigner fan, is that what you said?
Starting point is 01:05:55 He loves foreigners. All the foreigner groupies. No, it's fun because, you know, I can... People are culturally savvy, so it's not like Europe where I can get away with anything and say, oh, it's my culture, you know? Yeah. But it's...
Starting point is 01:06:13 Wait, we're culturally savvy here? Yeah, relatively, in LA at least. Oh, okay, I was going to say. Most people in America are a bunch of untraveled fucking mouth breathers. You know. Not like Branson, the turd. Where you from? Yeah, Missouri. Where you from? Where the fuck you from?
Starting point is 01:06:26 They talking all funny. Do you get to stay in America? What's the deal? Did you marry an American chick yet? Yeah, how are we going to keep you here? No, I am currently on a student visa. Ladies? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:06:38 Ladies, any American women want to marry a neuroscience? Maybe a bisexual wants to marry a bilingual. We can get these bis together. Ambiguously aged bisexual. Any takers? And older. I like him. I like this guy.
Starting point is 01:06:55 I like everything about him. I do, too. Or he's the best. He's just happy, yeah. You should have a podcast. Have you ever thought about doing a podcast? Your voice would be awesome. It's the happy, happy podcast with me.
Starting point is 01:07:08 Ori Amir. And a unicorn flies across. Stuff is really crazy this week. Airplane still missing. I take a cab ride. Just like the weirdest shit. I've been doing my own research. I'm losing cab ride. Just like the weirdest shit. I've been doing my own research.
Starting point is 01:07:27 I'm losing your accent. What do you sound like again? You're sounding like Latka now from Taxi. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. What's your favorite television show here in America?
Starting point is 01:07:37 That was my next question. You like The Wire, don't you? I just want to hear what it sounds like when he says, He's so true. He cried when Omar got got. For some reason, I love Futurama. It's really clever. Wow, a big Futurama crowd here.
Starting point is 01:07:52 It's a great show. I didn't know Kill Tony and Futurama matched up like that, but that's very exciting. Diet Simpsons. Someone's got a standing O on Futurama. I love Colbert Report. Okay, there you go. Oh, there's the accent. Colbert Report. Okay, there you go. He gets it. Colbert Report.
Starting point is 01:08:05 He gets it. And do you like American sports? I don't have time. No, I don't have time. And you go to USC and you have no idea what that big field is all about. How do you like that in USC? That's right in the ghetto. That's on Figueroa.
Starting point is 01:08:23 I love USC. I don't mind the ghetto. Yeah, you like the ghetto. Yeah. You can walk right That's on Figueroa. I love USC. I don't mind the ghetto. Yeah, you like the ghetto. Yeah. You can walk right up and down Figueroa. We don't even fuck with him. He's too easy. What's the meanest thing a black guy's ever done to you?
Starting point is 01:08:34 He raped me. He raped me. What size shoes is that, man? Well, you know, I mean... About seven to ten inches? One time he made me do his final for him. It was a homework, but I got it done in 72 minutes. He needed shoes.
Starting point is 01:08:49 I had shoes. What was the meanest thing a black guy has ever done to you? I want an answer. Yeah. What did he call you? I don't know. I can't think of any. Come on.
Starting point is 01:09:00 What's the meanest thing an American has ever said to you? What? You go back to you? What? You go back to your country rhetoric or? You go and you get. I tried. Nobody ever told me that. Because none of us are from here either. You know who I would love to see a date?
Starting point is 01:09:16 Him and I don't know if you guys know Crazy Amber from the Ding Dong Show. Oh, yeah. Match made in heaven. That'd be a nice recording. Yeah. That's World War 3 That's interesting Fuck yeah Ori Keep rocking and rolling buddy
Starting point is 01:09:34 Good job Boom the ball Fuck yeah One of the smartest people in the room Right now Foreigners I would say second smartest One of the smartest people in the room right now. Ori Amir, everyone. Foreigners. I would say second smartest.
Starting point is 01:09:51 Israel. Wow. So do you have to go back to Israel eventually, Ori? Probably Europe or stay here. Okay, so I guess the answer is I don't know. Yeah. I have to go somewhere in the world, maybe here, maybe somewhere else. Whoever my orders take me, I think that dude's like Israeli CIA. I think he's special ops.
Starting point is 01:10:18 I think this whole thing's an act. He just killed a man down in the fucking room downstairs. Nobody's going to find him for a week either. Yeah. You see him talking on the phone, and going to find him for a week either. Yeah. You see him talking on the phone, and Ally's like, I will kill him. Yeah. Like a normal, creepy, creepy voice. What do you mean? I'm not a CIA.
Starting point is 01:10:32 I just like to do stand-up comedy and study American brain. I go to the USC. I study the brain. I write the joke. I give men asthma when they haven't had it before by putting stuff in their drink. I am Ori Amir. That's what I do. Well, that all checks out.
Starting point is 01:10:51 Welcome to America, Ori. Okay. Thank you so much. I will only be staying here for as long as I want to be, and then I will be moving on. Fuck yeah. Ori Amir is a wild one, man. He's going to end up doing something. I'm not sure what.
Starting point is 01:11:04 Seems like the kind of guy that... Blowing this place up. Ori, you know a lot about the brain. What do you think was wrong with Skyler? You're already away from the mic, but I've got to ask. What part of his brain? Is it the frontal lobe? What's fucked up in him?
Starting point is 01:11:17 What happened, Ori? This is a case that even me, with all of my experience cannot possibly predict. That's a thinking sound. The poor guys do that for the American chicks. I am lost. Processing. Can you find my dick?
Starting point is 01:11:36 When it comes to this situation of Skylar, I really cannot say whether or not it is the frontal or the side lobes, but something seems to be slightly off. I can tell he's a ladies man now. He's got it. He charms him. He speaks five languages.
Starting point is 01:11:53 Would you mind if I ate your pussy? I will only be there for 45 minutes to an hour. I hope you don't mind. I need somewhere to park my penis. Your vagina will work for now. Take off my wooden shoes. to an hour. I hope you don't mind. I need somewhere to park my penis. Maybe your vagina will work for now.
Starting point is 01:12:07 Take off my wooden shoes. I am very well educated. I have a major in boner right now. How do you say perhaps we can make a baby? Alright, I lost it there at the end. Ori, thank you so much. Ori Amir, everybody.
Starting point is 01:12:26 He's on Twitter at O Amir. Huh? O Amir? He's on Twitter, everybody. You could tweet at the man himself. Ask him questions about your brain. Every tweet starts with, ah. Yeah, how you say.
Starting point is 01:12:38 Put your hands together for GT, everybody. I am the one. I'm the one. I'm the one. I'm the one. Yeah. Yeah, I hooked up with some chick the other day. Think about this chick. Her mouth was one size small for my dick.
Starting point is 01:13:10 Her mouth was one size small. You bitches complaining about size? You bitch, I gotta have a nine inch. I gotta have this. I gotta have that. What the fuck, bitch? Maybe you should worry about your mouth mouth Do something about that mouth You know what I mean I'm trying to get a blowjob Instead Instead you're giving me A scratch job You're scratching me
Starting point is 01:13:38 You're scratching me girl The fuck Yeah Yeah There you go Girl? The fuck? Yeah. There you go. You did it. That was your minute. God bless you, by the way. How old was this girl whose mouth you were fucking?
Starting point is 01:13:58 She was four! She was like... She says she's 36, but I think she's 44. Oh, well. Is she five? Yeah, where'd she go? She's banging. She's got, she's some Colombian pussy. She's got, yeah, Colombian.
Starting point is 01:14:17 Are you still dating the hooker? No, I don't see her anymore. Right now, it's a different girl. Dude, he's right out of GTA. He's terrifying. He's terrifying. It kind of sounds like a homeless guy's ramming a subway. It sounded like Brian Holtzman.
Starting point is 01:14:32 I was like, holy shit, Brian Holtzman's here. I liked his energy. I liked his energy. He committed. He committed. He committed hard. It's the best I've seen you do. Yeah, he committed really well.
Starting point is 01:14:43 I liked it. Yeah. I don't remember a thing he said, but he meant it. He makes up a great point, man. It's fucking chick's mouth. I hated blowjobs my whole life because I have a girthy dick. I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:14:59 No, but you get the teeth. You get the scraping. Every day you're like, oh, my poor dick. I can't fuck for a couple of days because she just like gnawed off half of it. She digested parts of my dick after I fucked her. Well, you and GT are going to have to go out and have a good old steak and talk about this with each other. And relate over the fact that you're hooking up with chicks with tiny mouths. So you guys got to stop fucking baby dolls.
Starting point is 01:15:27 It's always the case. It's always the case. It's always those whistlers. So what else about this chick? What is her vagina like? What's her butthole like? What are we talking about here? Well, I laid her on her back and started eating her pussy, right?
Starting point is 01:15:46 I started eating her pussy. It's like, before you know it, like, she squirted in my face, bro. That's awesome. Why are you angry about that? That's awesome. You met a squirter? That's awesome.
Starting point is 01:16:00 I've never had a Colombian cigar before, but I've had a Colombian squirt. That's what I realized. Oh, well, that's probably worth not realizing. GT. Fuck yeah, man. Puska. That was really good, man.
Starting point is 01:16:15 But the thing about her is like that Colombian squirt and she has this like a clit ring in there. You ever been with a girl with a clit ring? Yeah, but if it's rusty, run away. If it's not, you're good to go. Have you had your tetanus shots? It's like one of those big door knockers. Do you know what tetanus shots are? If it's a hoop ring?
Starting point is 01:16:38 Like a big one? Door knocker. It's like an eclipse in her? Dude, he's very De Niro and taxi driver. Right. He's very taxi driver because he's Armenian. I thought... I thought it looked more like Rocky or something.
Starting point is 01:16:59 No, I'm going to go Travis Bickle. I'm going to go Travis Bickle. Is that a fax machine he was doing? Trying to get on AOL online. GT, what does GT stand for? GT.
Starting point is 01:17:12 Well, the thing about GT is like everything has such a deep answer. questions, right? Those are my initials, actually. You're Armenian,
Starting point is 01:17:21 right? Yeah, I'm Armenian. Heck yeah. You are. Does your last name end in I-A-N? I-A-N? It actually does end in I-A-N.
Starting point is 01:17:30 I figured. Why don't you see me on Facebook? Or the other way is Y-A-N, but I think it depends on what region you're from, Armenia. Or O-L-I. Or O- Or OLI. In some parts, I guess. Got any hot sisters work at the bank around here anywhere?
Starting point is 01:17:54 No, I don't have a sister that works at a bank. Can I see your hair? You don't have to. I was just wondering because it seems like every Armenian guy shaves his head. I want to see Armenian guys. Wow. You look good, though. I was just wondering because it seems like every Armenian guy shaves his head. I want to see an Armenian guy shave his head. Wow. You look good though. I like your bald.
Starting point is 01:18:09 I like his head. Yeah, I like that. He's got a good bald head. You know what he looks like now? Who he looks like is Get Off My Lawn and Back to the Future.
Starting point is 01:18:16 The principal. The principal. Get Off My Lawn and Back to the Future. Yeah, look at him. He does, huh? It is Back to the Future. Is he scary looking? I forgot. Yeah, he's pretty tough looking with the bow tie and the shotgun. He does, huh? It is Back to the Future. Was he scary looking?
Starting point is 01:18:25 I forgot. Yeah, he's pretty tough looking. With the bow tie and the shotgun, he's pretty tough. Get off my lot! You're a bum, McFly. Say you're a bum, McFly. Your father was a bum, and you're a bum too. Fuck yeah, Back to the Future.
Starting point is 01:18:36 This guy puts the E in in DeLorean. DeLorean. GT, we'll see you later. Thanks, GT. There he goes. Thanks a lot, man. Later, GT. GT's cool.
Starting point is 01:18:45 Looks like an angry Dean. He's Armenian. He likes music. He's like System of a Down Syndrome. Follow him on Twitter at GTMusic, everybody. This is the part of the show where we have our two awesome regulars go on. They're on every episode. They're always doing a new minute, working it out.
Starting point is 01:19:02 This week, going first, you know her from the Dysentery podcast and Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. Yes. Hoochie Mama. That's me. Hi, everyone.
Starting point is 01:19:27 If you wear a sweatband because you sweat too much, you probably have an underlying medical condition, or you're on meth. If you wear a sweatband because you think it's cool, then you're a douchebag. I also don't understand vests the first time I saw a vest I said where the rest of the jacket go what's going on you got to keep your chest warm but your arms mobile you have an upper respiratory
Starting point is 01:20:00 infection but you're planning on kayaking later? What's going on? What about water shoes? Those are weird. You planning on walking on water later, bro? I'm the asshole that sits in the parking spot that you're waiting for. That's me. I'll just put on my...
Starting point is 01:20:23 Okay. Finish that. What were you saying? Yeah, finish that. I was actually curious about that. I'll just put on my... Okay. Finish that. What were you saying? I was actually curious about that. That was just like, oh, fuck. I think I got more time. You were just going to keep talking until you heard the meow. Well, I had something I was going to say.
Starting point is 01:20:36 You were the asshole in the car who won't... I'm putting on my mascara while you're waiting for the spot, but I think I have the right to be there because I paid $2, so I'm going to use my rent in that spot. I like that. I like it. Accordingly. I tried to just stuff it in there. That vest stuff is amazing. What happened to your
Starting point is 01:20:53 vest, Freddie? I never wore one here. What are you talking about? Are you kidding me? A vest? Come on, guy. I saw your vest and I got nervous. I was like, should I still do the vest? And then I saw that you had a vest. Yeah, you're okay. It's okay and it's really funny.
Starting point is 01:21:10 I can't criticize you with it on though. I'd look like a real ass now, wouldn't I? But great job. You were fucking funny. The vests are kind of like overall shorts. Well, that's the other thing. I was like, oh, I'm wearing fucking overalls. And I'm going to talk shit on vests.
Starting point is 01:21:26 Like, that takes a lot of nerve. I'm actually looking for overalls right now though, so I like overalls. Yeah? And you should have him come back here and go,
Starting point is 01:21:33 why are you wearing the vest, kid? Are you shipwrecked? To complete the Back to the Future thing? Oh yeah, that's right. Call back. Back to the Back to the Future.
Starting point is 01:21:41 Back to the Back to the Back to that. Back to it. Yeah, she did great. I liked her. What was the first thing before the vest? The sweatbands. I don't really see those around too much anymore, though.
Starting point is 01:21:53 Maybe Saddle Ranch, guys. Coachella. Coachella still, yeah, but she's right about that. That's douchey. That was like early 80s, because you used to put your cocaine in the little pocket zipper that was on there. In the early 80s because you used to put your cocaine in the little pocket zipper that was on there. In the early 80s?
Starting point is 01:22:06 I wasn't born and shit. I'm just kidding. Was that like that? Was that wrong? There was a bisexual on earlier that would like us to think the same thing.
Starting point is 01:22:16 Yeah, she was 20 in the 80s. But your answer was very genuine and we believe you. Okay. Well, yeah, I really just wanted to go, I actually watched
Starting point is 01:22:24 like all the episodes that I was on today because I didn't know if I had talked about this yet. There you go. I love that. Well, you did really good. That's another solid bit. Another new minute from Sarah Weinshank. Everybody did great stuff. Good job, Sarah. The vest is an
Starting point is 01:22:41 interesting predicament because it is true. You could do jumping jacks and yeah. That was great. Yeah, she was great. She did great for being on her period, too. Yeah. Absolutely. A little inside information on that
Starting point is 01:22:57 one. If you know one thing, it's that if she's on her period, then this girl must be, too, because they're such good friends that I heard that periods would sync up. They're synced up. I sync. She dropped out of the University of Florida
Starting point is 01:23:14 to stay a comedian here in Hollywood. Put your hands together for the great Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Guys, I was going to come up here and talk about the Sterling situation that's going on um only because i think it's funny that all of my racist friends are coming out on facebook now you can tell which ones are racist because they use words like a honky and cracker like they use that as their white defense you know like you know they call us honkies and they call us crackers but i don't know like when's
Starting point is 01:24:03 the last time you've seen a black comedian on stage and he's like man those fucking honkies and they call us crackers but i don't know like when's the last time you've seen a black comedian on stage and he's like man those fucking honkies and everyone's like oh he said honky uh anyways i'm i'm not going to talk about black people anymore i'm trying not to be so dark on stage um but uh life is short four letters um and I think that if somebody you meet somebody and they put a bad taste in your mouth that's what you get for letting a stranger in your mouth and what else here
Starting point is 01:24:37 oh I safe by the cat again safe by the cat how do Saved by the cat. How do we get that sound effect to play when you... Saved by the cat. All right. What did we talk about there? Sterling and then crackers and honkies.
Starting point is 01:24:58 Yeah, the cracky honky thing. That's... I don't know. That seems kind of like everyone has... Sterling didn't really use the N-word, did he? No. He just said, he just said them. Right.
Starting point is 01:25:10 He just told the truth. He just kept saying like them. He just kept saying, don't bring them, don't take pictures. That was a crazy thing. Yeah, it was crazy. So much stuff there. It's insane. It was just a lot.
Starting point is 01:25:22 He would have just gotten to the point quicker had he just said the n-word so true it would have summed up everything he was saying the craziest part of that thing was when he says look I don't care if you feed them I don't care if you fuck them that's what was weird
Starting point is 01:25:40 just don't post pictures on the Instagram which immediately gives him a racist pass if you preface it with the. It's like, oh, he's had a touch. He's old. I always kind of worry that he has Alzheimer's. He's gotten to that age. What if she's just taking advantage of him?
Starting point is 01:25:55 He doesn't even know. Oh, he's been racist. This has been going on a long time. Elgin Bailey accused him of this years ago when he was a coach. But back to Kim. She did good. I think she was fine. Yeah. You're Puerto Rican, right good. I think she was fine. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:26:05 Thanks. You're Puerto Rican, right? I remember you from last time. Super cute. You dressed a little more like winter tonight, though. Were you expecting a blizzard? No. I heard it was windy out from my window,
Starting point is 01:26:16 and I thought it was cold. Someone yelled it. Someone yelled it. It's windy. It's windy. Kim, it's windy. Get your coat on. I have trees. Good thing my window was open
Starting point is 01:26:26 or else I never would have found out about today's weather report. It sounded cold out. I like the black one. Kimberly, it's me, your neighbor and meteorologist, Bob. It's windy. Slight chance of rain.
Starting point is 01:26:39 I'll come home about 1 a.m. It sounded cold. Yeah, you definitely look like you're cold, like you're chilly. You're not chilly? Okay. And the black joke was funny. Puerto Ricans use the N-word more than black people.
Starting point is 01:26:54 They do. My nigga this and nigga that, always. All them niggas. Everyone that's Freddy talking. All right. Oh, you can't offend me with it. Say it all day. It's funny.
Starting point is 01:27:07 What else? What was the other joke she told? It was the last one. Her ascent was nice. She got better and better and better. That first one, though, was like 30, I think it was 38. I spent too long on it. The whole wigger thing,
Starting point is 01:27:24 like the white thing, that's been probably played there's not really a joke there basically the honky thing there's no there's no comparable white word for it unless there's some creative way
Starting point is 01:27:34 she can come up well I was just mostly talking about how all the racist people are coming out on Facebook now they're all like it's either like the racist or like the controlling ones that are like
Starting point is 01:27:43 no you know they just didn't want her Michael Jordan's probably the only black NBA owner right either like the racist or like the controlling ones that are like, no, you know, they just didn't want to hurt. Well, Michael Jordan's probably the only black NBA owner, right? So I bet that if, I bet that if his house was wired for sound, like you could catch him saying something against white people,
Starting point is 01:27:57 right? I mean, there's gotta be just, so maybe there's something there. Well, Jewish mustache. Did you know that the owner of the Clippers is Jewish, by the way? Did you guys know that?
Starting point is 01:28:09 I just found that out. You would think they'd be called the Coupon Clippers. I tweeted that earlier. 65 retweets before you judge that joke, you motherfuckers. I liked it. Kimberly, another new minute. Thank you so much. Did it again.
Starting point is 01:28:24 Keep it going for the Kill Tony girls, everybody. They write a new minute. Thank you so much. Thank you, Ken. Did it again. Very good job. Good job. Keep it going for the Kill Tony girls, everybody. They write a new minute every week. Good job. Good job. That's 45 seconds more than I write every week. All right. Guys, thank you so much for being part of the show. Iron Patriot, you're at PDC on Twitter.
Starting point is 01:28:38 He's awesome. He really got so much better. I didn't like him last time. I love him now. It's like new and improved. Yeah, he's funny. He's witty. He should really come back. He's respectful.
Starting point is 01:28:47 And he's leaving less a carbon footprint. His batteries are dying, but his batteries are dying, but the night is still so alive. Freddie? What's good is coming back. What's good is back. We launched on 420. Also,
Starting point is 01:29:03 we're going to be doing video game Wednesday nights here at the Belly Room. If you play any video game on anything, we'll kill you at it. Boom. I love that. Sean Halpin? The Full Count Podcast
Starting point is 01:29:13 and Texas Crude on iTunes and at Twitter, at Sean Halpin. Guys, we're going to be at Comic Con in July, so get tickets for that at ThatSquad.tv. Yeah. Thank you so much, live audience,
Starting point is 01:29:26 for coming to Kill Tony. Another shout-out to Ice Cream Fire, a great fucking rock band. Get their new CD. It's fucking awesome. And a big shout-out to all of you out there. Dean Gelber, Jerry Laney, Kimberly Congdon on Twitter, and Princess Shank. Thank you guys
Starting point is 01:29:42 so much. Have a great night. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Bear. Thank you guys. Thank you guys very much. Sean Halpin, Freddie Lockhart. One foot in the government. One foot in the soul. Mix up all the rubbish and turn that grit to gold. One foot in the government.
Starting point is 01:29:58 One foot in the soul. Mix up all the rubbish and turn that grit to gold. Fire. One foot in the government. One foot in the government. One foot in the soul. Outro Music

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