KILL TONY - KILL TONY #481

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

Don Barris, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/16/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the Hinchcliff.com. house artist, he draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to Ryanjeebilt.com and pick up some cool killtony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is Shop Squad. comad.com. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at Shop Squad.

Dot TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Come to you live from the World. world famous comedy explore main room for a brand new episode. Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatsclay. Yippie dooday, motherfuckers.

Here we are. Good evening and welcome. Brian Red Band. Hello. Back from beautiful Austin, Texas. Back from sitting on the throne during a wonderful, wonderful slew of Joe Rogan experience episodes, including, of course, my favorite episode of all time, the great Kanye West.

Yes. And I got two hugs from him. He showed us that little creepy hologram before it was announced, and I thought that was very touching. He's like, you know, showing us videos on his phone and stuff. He was a good guy. He was a very good guy. He was a sweetheart.

And a fucking genius. Yeah. The stuff he was saying during that episode was really mind-boggling. I thought it was cool, too, how Rogan was able to, like, listen to, like, that 20-minute thing and then just really wrap it up into, like, a very nice package. I think Kanye actually really respected Joe for that. Yeah. It was cool.

And he's going to be back, he said. And also, it was still super entertaining. I mean, it's in, and also, even though Joe might take on it, Joe doing a minimal amount of talking, still unbelievable hosting. Like, it's almost harder to host while not having input because the decisions, the next question that you ask is that much more important. And it was just incredible. Yeah. Incredible. Great guest and obviously a great host, Rogan and Kanye.

Wow. So here we are. back at kill tony welcome back home to beautiful los angeles california and we're here quarantined off with a maybe a total grand total i would guess maybe 15 people in this room that we used to have a 550 people in every single fucking monday um but here we are you know what i mean it's better than this so this is exciting and uh i'm happy to be here hey you know who else is here is the great ryan j e bell look at that right there whoa there's the wink and the point and the point and And another point, holy shit, he's just giving them out for free tonight.

He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. All those prints are available at Ryan J.E.Belt.com, including all the tour posters, a couple of limited edition t-shirts, and the drawing of tonight's episode, which he has already begun right now, hard at work. Some other great people in the audience tonight as well. Charlie from Delicious Vito's Pizza is here. Royalty in these parts. In fact, I didn't tell you this, Charlie, but I placed a secret order.

yesterday, the eggplant parmesan appetizer with my favorite baked Zidi, slammed it down like a champion, gives me all the fuel I need for an amazing day. And then I chase it down with a caveman coffee, which you could do as well by using the promo code, Kill Tony, getting 15% off your order. Incredible stuff. I don't know how it packs so much energy in a can, but somehow it does. And also a shout out to the great Gino from Speedweed over there. He's the man.

also the CEO of Better Box Studios, which was a tremendous, tremendous second home to us during these wild times of this unprecedented pandemic. And so, with that said, we are all set to start tonight's show. But before I bring out tonight's guest, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made this episode free for you, the lucky listener. For a lot of us, our home is now,

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So go to Infinite CBD.com to see which of their products fits your needs. That's Infinite CBD.com. And if you use the promo code, Kill Tony, you will get 20% off. Once more, that's Infinite CBD.com and promo code Kill Tony for 20% off. And we are back. And I am so excited about tonight's show. This is probably pound for pound without a doubt the best guess that we've had, not only since the pandemic started,

but also perhaps of the year 2020, because this man was on the show in January of this year, one of our famous sold-out shows here in the main room, and he brought the cast of the movie that he created with him, the greatest comedy movie of all time, Windy City Heat. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of my favorite comedians and favorite friends on the planet. It's the great.

Don Barris! Wow, it's really him, live in the flesh, on a Monday at 8.15 p.m. He is here. He's back. The King of Late Night at the Comedy Store. The creator of the Ding Dong Show, the longest running show in Comedy Store history, and the star. of the Comedy Store documentary

that just came out. All five parts. Hello, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band. It's nice to be back here. I haven't been back here since January. And January was such a fun show, and you guys were so nice

because you pushed the shit out of Windy City Heat, and I've never seen numbers move in anything I've ever done. It really did. It was fun for me. I even kept a little bit of an eye on it. It was fun to watch the bump. Yeah, it really was. And that was very nice.

And I was like, as a matter of fact, I'll be making a deal right now. I've never done this on any show that I've ever been on. Tonight, when this is over, I'm going to select one woman in this audience and make love to her. Oh, wow. What a lot. Oh, I see a couple ladies that are reading. Who's getting their shiny hole eaten by me tonight? That is a good question.

Who is going to get their shiny hole eaten by Don here tonight? Don, I'm so happy to have you. I'm sure since it was just in January that you were on the show, you remember that we have a band on this show. Yes, I do. And every single episode, they commit to being different characters. They've been in a different sealed off green room getting ready before this show. Can I say this before you bring them out?

I'm sorry to interrupt you because it's your fucking show and you're doing a good job. You're great. You can do whatever you want to. But you know what? When you said, we don't know, I saw them backstage. And they said, whatever you do, don't say anything. So I'm going to shut my mouth because I don't want. that girl that I'm going to be making love to upset with me.

That's right. You want that giant hole nice and ready for you. With that said, let's find out what they are tonight. Maybe it's brand new characters that we've never seen before. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters that we have seen. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kiltony band. Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, Kroma, Chris, and Jolberg, Joel Jimenez. I have no idea what this is.

Wow. I don't think I've ever been this confused before about what the band actually is. I just selected the girl. I'll be making love to. Uh-oh. We found the lucky lady. Jeremiah won't like that

because I'm a sister, Phyllis Watkins. Whoa! The return of Jeremiah's sister, Phyllis Watkins. And Tony, this week I brought the whole family. Oh, yeah? These are more Watkins? Yep, we were here to film a special coming out on December 8th. on Amazon Prime family reunion and we're all we stayed in Hollywood because we were having so much

fun here. Wow. My goodness. What an incredible plug for Jeremiah family. Yeah, the entire Watkins. What's your name, young Watkins. Hey, what's up? My name is Gary, Gary Maya Watkins.

Garamaya Watkins. Yeah, Gary Maya. And, you know, I'm just, I'm really, really excited about, you know, Jeremiah's success and everything. even though, you know, I was the one who actually told him he should play saxophone and everything. I even got him into comedy. It's no way deal or anything. But, yeah, you jocky.

Wow, we're finding out a lot about Gary Maya Watkins. No, it's where I'm really excited about a success, Tony. You seem a little bit bitter. You're his brother? Yeah, I mean, I mean, I just got him into comedy, you know. It's no big deal. He wanted just to be, you know, a musician and everything. But I was like, Don, what do you think about this?

I just, all I keep thinking about is Patrick Swayze's brother when I see. That's all. You look a little like Jeremiah, but there's just something that not as Jeremiah. But I wish you nothing but lot. Oh, Derek Swayze, right? I get that a lot. I look like Derek Swayze. We all got nose jobs. And I'm really interested to find out how this young man behind me on the drums fits into the Watkins family.

What's your name, sir? Joaquin Watkins. I just told me, I just took an Ansex3.com test. Blotting, blood out, 100% Watkins. I'm here to promote my cousin's fucking first special. How are you related to these? I don't know. I'm on Stex Street.com for 100% blood.

My goodness, that is incredible. What do you guys think of Watkin Watkins being in your family? Blood, homies. Blood, brother. Jeremiah Watkins performs his first one-hour special family reunion in an intimate comedy club setting. Be a fly on the wall as Jeremiah gets heckled by his mom. works out the crowd, shares personal stories of dating and marriage,

and watch his ridiculous physicality and characters all while his family, that's me. Okay, Wauken. Home town friends surround him with exclusive family interviews. This is one of the most unique and rough specials you'll ever see. I love it. Wachene Watkins is here. Gara Maya Wachens, Phyllis Wachens, the great Don Barris, Red Band, and the Soundboard.

So let's start the fucking. show. You guys ready for this? Before you start, can I just say one thing? I happen to see Gino all in the audience, one of your sponsors. Gino, every time I see him, it is nice because every time I see him, he gives me a joint

and he doesn't have to. Gino, my man, hello there. We love Gino. Absolute Kill Tony royalty, without a doubt. And so let's just jump right into it. To kick off tonight show, because we like to start things with a fucking bang around here, I present to you the longest 10,

tenured regular in Kill Tony history and also a guy that in the Kill Tony part of the Comedy Store documentary was featured more than both Tony Hinchcliff and Brian Red Band, guys that have done the show for tens of thousands of hours, but

this is show business for you. I'm just Rogan's producer. Is that what they said? Tom Siger kept him going, and then I started my podcast with Rogan's producer. What the fuck? The sad part is that you can see his lips say

Brian Redband in a different voice. It's just like Rogan's producer. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, before you go on, I hate to, again, you're the host, but you said something that I have to touch base with. In that documentary of the Comedy Store, when it came

to talking about you, did I say Red Band? You sure did. You and Joe were too. Thank you, buddy. No problem. Mr. Donberis. They used three videos of mine, didn't credit any of them, Thanks a lot, John.

You probably had something. Look, I think it was beautifully done. No better part to feature Kill Tony than after mentioning the Argus Hamilton Tonight Show. You know what I mean? Like, I mean, that's so fitting. Have we filled theaters around the globe with a show that started in the belly room?

Sure, but why really cover that at all when you can... Why would you? Yeah, when you can cover the... I think the Argus show is wildly successful. Have you been on the Argus show? Yeah, yeah. I have. How many times?

What is Argus Hamilton? Argus Hamilton. Argus Hamilton. We don't have this yet. No. Anyway, we're going to start it off with a guy heavily featured in the Comedy Store documentary. He's absolutely a wild man.

He's one of our favorite comedians of all time, and always, always entertaining as hell. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. I know that. I know that dude. Here it is. 60 seconds uninterrupted from William Montgomery. Do I look like the kind of guy that would kill a journalist?

Do I look like the kind of guy they would do business with Hunter Biden? Quick joke for you people. What do you call a woman driver? Beheaded. What do I call it when I throw my wife off of a mountain for not birthing a male air, a flying carpet? My wife is so ugly I couldn't sell. to a human trafficking organization. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

Hopefully not in my country because you'll never see her again. Tony spends more time in a sandraft than a Saudi drug dealer. That's a golf joke. Not fair. Not fair. That's all I got. That's unbelievable. What a performance.

What a performance. What a way to kick off tonight's show. So William Montgomery delivering jokes as a, how would you describe this character? What are you here tonight? An Arab chic. An Arab chic. Heck yeah. And was that perhaps your Halloween costume?

It was. I spent $300 on it. My goodness. He looks like the Virgin Mary if she wasn't a virgin. He looks like the Virgin Harry. The Virgin Harry. That was German-Wakins. Virgin Gary.

Virgin scary. What did you do for Halloween dressed like that? Where'd you go? I actually did a show. David was on it. I was it. I dominated them in the show. David did pretty poorly.

Is that true? It was a little disappointing. We're going to have to follow up with David about this in a little bit. What made you pick an Arab chic for Halloween? I don't know. I've always been intrigued by the Muslim religion. Yeah, what about that religion intrigues you? I don't know.

Just all the Muhammads. stuff. I'm really a big fan. You're a big fan of Mohammed. Correct. In what way? Why are you a big fan of Mohammed? He used to eat a bunch of deer meat, and I'm a big fan of deer meat. Have you ever eaten deer meat?

I actually, I was on the phone with my dad earlier this week, and I told him I was getting Indian food, and he was like, what are you talking about deer meat? I was like, no. Like the dot type of Indian, not the feather type of Indian. I was shocked.

I was like, what the fuck are you talking about deer meat? William, did you know our producer's name is David Deermeet? I love David Deermeet. I'm from a producer, man. David Deermeet. David Deermeet. Oh, my God. I love David Deermeat.

Also, you look like I could bum a camel cigarette off you. You got one? Yes. Yeah. It is an interesting look. So you ended up doing a show for Halloween. Did you dress up with someone? Did you go to that show with a date or something?

Yes, with my lady friend. With your girlfriend. What was she dressed up as? What was she dressed up as, William? Didn't dress up as anything. Whoa. This seems like, she seems as much fun as we've always heard. She is.

You probably shouldn't get into this subject. Oh. Because she listens to the show just to find things to complain. We really shouldn't get into this subject. Every single episode. Please, let's not get into this subject. Because you're going to get in trouble. Please.

Let's stop. I love this character, the Saudi guy who's afraid of his wife. Joel, Bert. Don Barris is here. Do I know your girlfriend? I don't know. I don't know. You may have.

You may recognize her by her Gianni hold on. You could. I don't know. I didn't know. Congratulations. Congratulations. Do you think she was into your costume?

Did you guys role play at all? A lot of role playing. Yeah, what kind of things did you do? A lot of knocking on the door trying to get inside of the bedroom, not being allowed to get inside of the bedroom, a whole bunch of knocking. More like a lot of cinnamon roll plate.

What does that mean? You're fat, dog. You know, we heard that last week that William got so drunk that he shit himself and it fell on the floor. No, I didn't. We don't need to talk about this one here. Yeah, we do. I had no idea about this.

This is one of the perks of not listening to brothers in cursive is that I find out all the best highlights like this live on the spot and you get to see my genuine reaction. action to it. So you had a heavy serious drinking problem. I started drinking again a little bit. And then you took a few weeks off drinking

or at least you said that you were while coming in here sweating profusely. I'm hot as shit in this right now. I bet. I'm sweating bad right now. I bet you are. You're completely in character. You're a real Arab chic. So explain to us how you ended up shitting your pants or I mean, hopefully

it wasn't during Halloween because you're not really wearing any pants. I was wearing this outfit. It took me a while to take it off. Wow. To think that you even went to the extent of smelling like an Arab man, too.

He went trick-or-treating, definitely looking for 72 virgins. What is that fucking man? Explain to us how you shit your pants, William. This is great podcasting. I was close to the toilet, my body was

ready to do-do. I did When you say close to the toilet, what are we talking about here? Probably a foot away. In the living room? No, probably a foot away. I was looking at the toilet. You got to point your ass towards meckofal. So what were you doing?

Why were you looking at the toilet? I was trying to take this stuff off. What stuff? And I couldn't. It's a outfit. He's been wearing that for a week. I've been wearing this a week. Wow.

Okay. And then you're trying to take off the outfit, but you feel it coming out? And I couldn't and doo-doo came out. Where did it land? in my shorts and also on the floor. One of the pairs of shorts that you got here on this show? Yeah, a new pair of shorts. Did you wash them or did you throw them out?

Washed them. Oh, disgusting. You just throw them away. I'm actually wearing them right now. William, we got you 40 pairs of free shorts. Well, I found my favorite pair, and I'm wearing them right now. Wow. You are soaking wet with sweat right now.

It is. I'm hot as shit. I'm just waiting for you to tell me to get off. I am hot as fuck. I'm waiting to get off Tony, before you let him off I have never heard anybody shit in their pants before I know nobody here has

so please tell more Yeah, so after you shit your pants Did you like yell for your girlfriend? Yeah, his girl actually helped him out Right? Wow. Yeah, it was really nice. Yeah, what did she do exactly? Lord knows she loves being in shitty situations

By the way, I do know his girlfriend I now remember her Oh, look at that. Perfect. It's all coming back to Don. She wants help Don when he pooped his pants. So what did she do to help you? Got my pants, my boxers,

wiped the doo-do off of me. She wiped it off of you? In the shower, I was screaming in the shower, get your fucking hands off of me. That sounds like the worst way to propose I've ever heard, man. Like, dig through it. There's a ring in there, bitch. this poor woman

this poor woman I think she likes it I know I do feel kind of bad after everything after all the shit talk Let me ask you this Here's a final question I genuinely feel bad

Oh before you ask the final Can I ask the question? You can ask the final question You go right ahead If you ever done anything else This close to embarrassing your girlfriend Anything else like shit in your pants Anything else

Maybe masturbating and wiping it on her Yeah all kinds of stuff I think but I don't know. Right, now it would be a good time to tell us. Go right out. No, I don't know. This is not, this isn't a good time. I think the word feels it's a good time.

You guys think so? They think everybody wants to hear it. I'm kidding. I don't even know what I would say. Wow, I've never seen you this stumped before. I don't know what I would say. Improvisational guru. And it appears as though we have found the Achilles heel of this Arab sheep.

Here's the question that I had. Yeah, because you've been dating this girl a while, very what we would describe as a tumultuous relationship. Oh, Don's getting a phone call. It's William's girl right now calling Don. Can you please stop fucking bringing me up during pancakes? Oh, God. Okay, so here's my question for you, William.

If your girlfriend, who you've been with now for what, eight, ten months a year, how long you guys have been together? I don't know. Year and a half. Year and a half. Boy, does time fly? Let me ask you this. If she shit her pants a foot away from the toilet and open the door and was like, William, I shit my pants, I need your help. How would you react to that?

I would slam the bathroom door shut. I would get in my fucking car. And I would leave. There you go. That's what I thought. Perfect answer. That's it. That's a way out right there.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great William Montgomery, everybody. There he goes. Hey. As a postman. That's Portugal the man, right? What? That's Portugal the man, right? Yeah, it is.

It is. It sounds so good. It really does. It sounds so great. It's not overbearing. It's not at a ridiculously high pitch for the instrument being played. It's completely in tune. Hey, she's still got it.

She's a real Watkins. A fun fact about Portugal, the man, is that we sold out a theater in Portland a few months ago, and we actually had the lead guitarist for Portugal to the band. Yeah. Shout to Eric Hock. In the band. He joined the band. So imagine how crazy Portland went when we go joining the band.

a very special guy. Mr. Tony, what do you think about me starting a band called Mexico of the man? What do you think about it? How about Chico in the man? Shout out to Freddie Prince, also featured in the Comedy Store documentary.

You know what? Let's run some of your band name ideas after the show. Okay, sounds good. I see you in the parking lot. Thank you. Thank you, Joaquin Watkins. You're welcome, Mr. Tony.

Okay. Okay, I'm pulling my first name out of the bucket for this episode. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to, ooh, for the first time ever in Kill Tony history. Make some noise for Fernando Perez, everyone. Here we go. We are going to find out who is Fernando Perez. Right now, live on the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Here is Fernando Perez. And here, is Fernando Perez. Well, I feel like if I knew who Wolfgang Puck was,

I could make myself come off as a lot smarter than I am. I'm a little too white for the Mexican kids. Honestly, a little too white for the white kids sometimes. My favorite saying for reference is Jiminy Crickets. I'm very afraid of disappointing Joel right now. I like to think I'm a people-preasurer. A lot of races call me one of the good ones. It's one of my highlights.

I've got the ethnic equivalent of the N-word pass, equality. It's great. I've never done heroin, but I do like needles. I wonder if spoon collectors have any irrational fears of heroin addicts. My grandpa used to say, never do what you love for free, but how could I pass up being one of the few people allowed to dress in clan robes and two firearms in a school campus? Educational theater is amazing.

There you go, Fernando Perez. Wow, Fernando, I must say you have the delivery of a book-smart human being. Thank you. I haven't been on a stage in, like, over a year. Am I right? Are you very book-smart? Yeah. You got great grades your entire life. Am I correct?

Yes, I was in the geek program as a child. In the what program? The gifted and talented education. There you go. Boy, do I know how to spot these motherfuckers. This guy looks like Mexican. Dracula. Yeah, he does.

This is the second time we've had this fall on the show. Oh, you've been on this show before? No, no, no. We met Mexican Dracula in San Francisco. I meant, like, as a character. Oh, okay. Do you, Mr. Donnie?

Mexican Dracula is allergic to cilantro instead of garlic. Okay. Don Beres, what do you think about this young buck? I don't know of any person that you've had on this show

has ever said this to one of the performers, but I don't think I've ever wanted to beat the fuck out of someone more than I want to beat the fuck I've never wanted to have someone beat the fuck out of me that much before. You'd be honored if Don Barris beat you up. Let's do it. All right. Here we go for the first time in killed Tony history.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Oh, you're sitting back down. I can't. I can't because I have a ding-dong show.

I can't hurt my voice. Have you ever gotten into a fight before, Fernando? A few. What happens there? Are you usually getting bullied by somebody? Like, hey, what's up, you smart little fucking Mexican? No, I used to run with a few bad people, and so we'd get... Ooh, bad people.

What are we talking about B's and C's on their report cards? They don't return their books at the library? A few rebels. No, like, my sophomore year on, I used to sneak out a lot, like, go to parties and stuff. What kind of parties? Like chess and algebra. I'm going to move my night to spot number L7. No, I quit Chescope in third grade, and then I found weed.

Whoa, you are bad. And then you returned it? You found weed in third grade? Excuse me, officer, I found this, and I just want to do the right thing. What did you do with the weed that you found? Put it under a microscope to study its medicinal benefits. The tricombs look amazing, huh? No, no, I had substance abuse problems for a while.

Like what? Marijuana and what? Coke alcohol. Like Coca-Cola? Yeah, no. How did you get it? You got into cocaine? For a bit.

How old were you? I was like 17, 18. Oh, he's Latino. Me too, dog. Yeah. So how did this happen? And how wild did your youth get? It's crazy to think that you've done cocaine and I haven't.

I know. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. I'll explain it, Tony. When you grow up, you're insecure, you know, these chemical give you, they let you escape your inner self, dog, like your mind. Like, if you're worried, like cocaine makes you like a god. and you drink the you drink that fucking dosakis homie and you're fucking you're the best i've been there dog i've been there dog thank you walkie thank you tell us more about how you got into this what's your

first time doing cocaine look like take us back to the night uh first time i was with one of my friends and another friend of his that i just met yeah what are you guys doing it's always three people hold on hold on wakkeen just relax first let's get let's get a little bit into this story okay so you're with a few friends what are you guys doing uh So it was my first time doing it. My friend's like, he does a lot of drugs or he used to at least until he got sober. He used to be fun. But what are you guys doing?

We're hanging out. We're just hanging out. Could you get a hard on? No. Okay. Okay. So you're hanging out at an apartment with a couple buddies and one of them busts out, what, a bag of cocaine? Bag and a key.

And then how did you know what to do? He showed you? Yeah. He's like, hey, just sniff. And then what happened? You sniffed? And then what happened? And then I got high.

How did you? feel? It was weird. I didn't like it that much at first. And then I was like, this just feels like normal, but better. Yeah. And then, yeah. What did you do? What did you do to enjoy your buzz? Did you get one of those like crossword puzzle books and just go haywire on it? You got to try Coke. Do you talk a lot? Hey, Billy, what's a seven-letter word that it means racquetball? Okay, go ahead. I was, I was pretty subdued. It was weird because Coke's supposed to make you like jittery, but it just made me, like, sit down and want to listen to music, so I did. What kind of music?

Anything really. Come on, what did you listen to? Take yourself back to the moment. Tell us the truth. Show tunes. What? Show tunes. Is that true?

Are you, wow. What kind of music? Show tunes. I would have guessed Lost Lobos or something like that. Waukeen, you know about Lost Lobos. Yeah, La Bamba, fool. Did a rock cover of that shit. Oh, me?

They're in all kinds of movies. Fernando, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that... Whoa, married. Married with children? No, just married. No? No children yet. Can you get hard now?

How long you been married for? Just over a year. Okay. How long you've been with this girl? Like three years? Okay. That was two. What does she do? She's a genealogist.

A genealogist. Oh, genealogist. She's... Fuck, man. Just so, you know. That's who did my Ansextry.com test. Well, she found out my jeans wear 100% walkinks. Okay.

So she's a genealogist. And what do you do for work? Well, because I lived here and then I moved to Utah and it worked for Capital One there. Oh, I shouldn't say that. Oh, Capital One. I represent. I love Capital One. It's my favorite credit card.

Ew. Good. You don't like Capital One? Fuck no. Are you Mormon? I mean, it's a MasterCard. Wait a minute. I like Chase.

I'm a Chase. The number's 4-4-3-1-2. No, I'm kidding. I have to know. Do they sponsor you? Capital One? Yeah. What's in your wallet?

Yeah, we've got a big poster of him up in the office. What'd you say? No, I said we have a big poster of you up in the office. Yes, absolutely. And I have a big poster of you in my office. So, Fernando, let's talk about this love life situation because you seem like you would be a fucking thoroughbred in the bedroom. What's some of your go-to sexual maneuvers that you like to do? I actually haven't had sex in over a year

You haven't had sex in over a year Pelvic wall issues You have what? No, she has pelvic wall issues She has a small pussy Yeah, it's like really painful I want to guess you probably have like a big ass dick right No I know

Thank you Joaquin that was a perfect time to ask that question So is she Latino as well No she's Aryan as heck Oh that makes sense My God And pelvic wall issues So you're a Mexican that's having to deal with a wall

all right forget it you are married right now that was a good joke really how do you relieve your attention

let's say is she like you do it in the butt uh there she a butt wall is she I think somebody should call

Jeremiah telling him what his sister just said yeah tell him he's fired so that is a great question do you put it in her butt

no does she give you a lot of blow jobs yeah A lot? Every day? Not every day. Once a week?

No. Once every three weeks? Is she here right now? I'd like to see this happen right now if we could. No, she's in Utah. I have a really, I'm sorry, Don. I really have to get this out because this is so interesting to me. You've been with her for three years.

Pelvic wall issues, you married her a year ago. Pelvic wall issues, were they a thing three years ago? Or did this start right after you got? married. Well, we didn't have sex until we were married. Are you serious? What the. You're serious. Oh, I want to beat this fucker's ass. Hold on. Hold on. This is wild. Did she tell you she had pelvic wall issues before?

She didn't know. She hadn't had sex. Oh, my gosh. Didn't you ever throw a finger in her, Fernando? No. You never put a finger in her vagina before marrying her? He's a fucking nerd. Ease up on him. My God. Does the vagina have a dick in it? Like coming out? Okay, Red Band. Can I just say, Tommy, you said, threw a finger. Well, yeah. As if he's pitching a deadel.

Let me throw this finger in you. Curveball. This is a mind-bogglingly compelling story. Is there anything to fix it? I know a girl that had that also, but I don't know who she is anymore. But is there a way to like they could scoop some out? Okay, Red Band, you're out of control right now. Red Band, this isn't ice cream full.

Got scoop everything I'll take a double scoop So let me ask you this Fernando You're on your wedding You're you're You just got married You're having your wedding night

You probably are already Coming inside of your pants Thinking about having sex With your genealogist wife And then So what happens You guys get to the Do you guys get a hotel

That night or something right? Yeah Yeah what kind of hotel was it It was just smaller hotels It was just close by because we didn't want to go far. Were you a virgin when you got married? No. Oh, yeah.

You remember those days? Hell yeah. Yeah, I had those days. Okay. So then what? You guys get undressed at some point? You have a couple glasses of wine or something like that, right? You had some champagne?

No. No, you didn't even drink. No. You guys were like, let's just do this. You get butt naked, both of you. And then what's the next move? You go condom or no condom? I think we did no conum.

She has an implant. Oh, she has an implant and tight walls. Like, what's the point of her having an implant if she can't have sex? She was preparing for her, right? Yeah, yeah. Wow. What a almost cool girl to marry. Yeah, is there anything good about this girl?

Can you say one nice thing about her? Yeah, she's a... Yeah, you couldn't think of one thing, could you? Oh, my. That's a long pod. God. He's got a good finance rate. Wow.

Fernando, you might just be the only person that we have on the show for the rest of the show. This is so fucking interesting. We're at 12 minutes. Let's see his dick. Pull out your dick. Let me see if that thing looks good. Jeremiah's not here. We can't go backstage.

Okay. So Fernando. So you go no condom. She has the IUD, right? Like the implant in her arm. Oh, the implant in the arm. Okay. The little fucking.

The little fucking bait. baby Terminator. So then what? Do you, at this point, do you do something, perhaps some four play or something? You guys make out, and then what do you do? What's your next move? We like took a shower before. Oh, you both.

Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop. Everybody stop. Verify the fact of rock heart. That is. Don's cock is throbbing right now. It looks like there is just an entire heart transplant about to take place over here. So, hold on. shower, why do I feel like you guys took separate showers on this?

Together? And then you guys were holding onto each other by like the waist or something? Yeah, it was like a conga line to the bed. What? I said, yeah, it was like a conga line to the bed. But no, we got to the shower and then foreplay and shit. What kind of foreplay? I want to know about the foreplay.

Hold on, Joaquin. I need to know, I need details. Details? Yes. Oh, okay. So, oh, man, that was, I don't even remember too much. You fucking remember. This is the one time you almost got.

laid by your wife. Were you guys drunk? Were you cokeed up? Would you bring back the Coke for this one? Yeah, a little white wedding? No, no, she's Mormon. Nice day to start again. So what happens now? What kind of for play, Fernando? What are we talking about here? Just sniff her thing.

Mouths on the body and Do you say nails on the body? Mouths on the body. Okay, good. And then we started with fingering and yeah, kissing. His mouth on the body is so much hotter. Kiss my stuffy.

Kiss me right there. Kiss my belly button. Getting that belly button, licking. I'm on the body. You know, it's sex. This is like a giant for you. Were you actively engaged with other women?

Did you have sex with a lot of women? Before we were engaged. How many would you say? How many would you say? At least 20. Wow. Fernando. Fernando.

This guy has a big dick. I don't believe him, man. Absolutely. He works at Capital One. All the nerds have the biggest dicks, man. Girls think it's the cool guy, but it's not. It's this guy. The only bankers with bigger dicks than Capital One is Wells Fargo

because they have those fucking horsecocks. Those Clydesdale fucking meat hooks. Anyway, so here you are for play. Mouths on Bodies. When you say mouths on bodies, what exactly the fuck are you? you talking about. So a lot of like sucking

nipples and keep going, keep going dude. And then this is the sound of you guys sucking each other's nipples.

No, I don't like having my nipples suck. Oh, you didn't have your nipples suck? No, you sucked on her

nipples though. So she doesn't have sensitive nipples. Was she moaning? Was she enjoying it? Yeah. Okay, then what happened?

Then you go a little bit farther south, right? You're Mexican. It worked with, the one and then she was like put it in and I was like all right and then it didn't work hold on wait we went from nipples to put it in real fast what happened

what happened there so after that then went down to eating her out uh-huh yeah went for the finger the finger was alright finger one finger yeah okay how long do you think you were eating her out for like seven minutes seven minutes that's a very specific that's a good number question about that yeah did you pull the classy move where you put the finger in you work it a little bit you take it out hold it up and then suck it do that. Did you? It's a good move for anybody, for the kids out there.

Well, thank you, Donald. Keep that in mind. So there you go. She says, put it in. The moment of truth happens. You take your raw dog little fucking genius fucking teacher's pointer stick and you prepare it for insertion and then what happens. And then she says, ow, and I'm like,

you're good? And then we stop. And it was like, let's try it again. So we did. And then it, she didn't work. Yeah. What a fucking life you've got the rest of your fucking life, dude. Can he, like, stretch it out? Can he get, like, put, you know,

like a trainer, you know? Yeah, there's exercises. So she goes to a physical therapist that, like, teaches her fucking shit out. Oh, my God. Does anyone want to tell him, or are we? His name is Demontre. No, her physical therapist is a woman,

and I go there with her. Oh, you go there with her. Demandre, why? Yeah, he's on 172nd Street. The nearest cross street is Martin Luther King. How many times a week does she go see this physical therapist? I think it's like twice a month that we go. Oh, you go together?

You watch this thing? I think you mean twice a month. Like what is it that they do? Does she like sit on a missile and they just push her down every day? No. Oh, my God. Dr. Redband. Dr. Redband.

Another episode of Dr. Redband. Wow. Is that what they do? They sit on a missile? No, they have like exercise. You put a finger in and you just like leave it there for like five minutes. Does the physical therapist put the finger in?

Yeah, she has like gloves and shit. Wow. Wow. Lucky you. It's a she. You ever think about putting your mouth on the body of the physical therapist? No. Is she hot?

Is the physical therapist hot? No. Oh, you're lying. Oh, you're not. allowed to say if she's hot. Wow. Well, Fernando, I'm going to be honest with you, man. It has been, you have to sign up again.

I have literally 426 more questions to ask you about your wife's super tiny vagina. This has been an 18 minute long interview. That might be the longest. One of the longest interviews of all time in the history of the show. And we have barely scratched the surface. I mean, I went straight into what's your love life like? I believe that was basically the second question. And here we are, 17 minutes later.

So please sign up, come back, write jokes. Your jokes were the least interesting part of this entire thing. This is actually a good thing to talk about. Maybe switch your wife out and say it's an ex-girlfriend or something, but yeah. Dude, I mean, you'd have everybody eating out of the palm of your hand if you talked about this stuff on stage. And think about what a pathetic life you have, for God's stage. Well, Fernando, you'll always be welcome inside these walls here at the comedy store. So thanks for coming by.

Fernando Perez, everybody. There he goes. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Tony, I just want to say, in the audience right now, a member of the Dingo show, one of my best people I know. Mary Jane, hello. Hey, Mary Jane.

That's up, sweet Mary Jane. You want to come on stage and do a bow? Yeah, come wave to the people out there. Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Jane, everybody. Yeah, sure. You can just come up. Where I'm from, the color, Marijuana. Here we go.

There you go. You want to point that at her real quick? General Bogus. Look at that. Stunning, beautiful. From the Ding Dong show. Mary Jane. Mary Jane, everyone.

Can I just say she's also the reason I said that is because at 1030 tonight, you know, we used to follow. You guys, the days when you were just the little belly room guys, and we used to follow your show right after. Well, I've got to run back right after this and do our ding-dong show. So that's on tonight. How are you doing it nowadays? What's the format? Right now, we don't have a club because the club is closed.

I don't know if you noticed that. But we're doing a weekly, at the exact same time, 1030, we're doing a Zoom show. Oh, great. That's awesome. Yeah, there you go. All right, back to the bucket we go. Let's get another stranger up here and see what happens. I mean, good luck following the stylings of Fernando Perez.

No one will. And I don't want to beat his ass is bad now. His life is pathetic. Oh, this is very exciting, everyone. This young lady has permission to come here, the second week of every single month, because she is our horoscope correspondent. And she's going to do a brand new minute for us.

It is Christy Bellich, everyone. Here she comes. Here is Christy Belich. So my day job is an astrologer, and this year in 2020, I keep getting a lot of text messages that are like, hey, Christy, what do I do about business this year?

And my suggestion in 2020 is just hoeing. All you got to do is hoe yourself out, Put yourself behind a paywall. Get those axe cheats clapping. Get some unrefined coconut oil and keep it moving, you know? Get a fucking 20% off promo stamp tattooed your left ass cheek. And just hoe your fucking self out. Don't go to college.

Don't get a degree. Don't waste your money. And in fact, when your grandkids ask you one day what you did during the Great Recession pandemic of 2020, you can say that your pussy perpetuated the economy for the entire year to come. Wow. Look at that. Exactly 59 seconds.

A work of art, Christy Bellich. She has a wonderful attitude towards the pandemic. Heck yeah, absolutely. And I'll bet you anything. She has no problem with her vaginal walls. Am I correct, Christy? Well, it's so weird because that's the magic of the comedy store is what, got me in the comedy was pelvic florid dysfunction so that's very interesting shout out beyond basics

physical therapy in manhattan i appreciate hold on hold on hold on wait wait wait wait wait wait you're kidding right dusty ann miller thank you so much stop naming people's names uh hold on a second are you being serious absolutely you had what 100 percent you had the same thing you had the same thing yeah i have something called pelvic floor dysfunction and um it's from something called endomy well it's coinciding with endometriosis and I had to get surgery for it. On your vagina? In my uterus, yeah. Because endometriosis is an outgrowth of your uterus and it caused...

Okay, red band. Okay. But I have tarot cards too. Did that surgery hurt? The surgery didn't hurt. The pelvic floor dysfunction hurts a lot, especially when you have like a Puerto Rican boyfriend, you know. Oh, my goodness gracious. Normally, Puerto Ricans are great at cleaning the floors.

Oh, come on, people. Right in the corners, you know. They go right in the corners. So pelvic floor and pelvic walls. Is that the same thing? Are we covering the same subject? It's the same thing. And there's a solution.

He can fuck his wife. He can help her. Wow. Do you hear this, Fernando? Are you excited? You just got to get her really, really wasted and just go plow it. Oh, my God. All right.

Did you ever go see a doctor to help you out with this like he did? I went to a physical therapist. And generally it's for women that give birth because the walls tear. And also dudes have sexual dysfunction as well. So a lot of guys have prostate problems will go to the same exact kind of physical therapist as well. Wow. Like what kind of prostate problems? I think I might have that.

What are you talking about? What are your symptoms, Joaquin Watkins? Just like prostate stuff. Like what? Like it, like it takes me really long to pee. How long? Like longer than a normal human. Like, I'm back there a while.

You're like, where's Joe? I mean, where's Joaquin? He's back there. He's peeing like a long time. Where is this guy? Wow. But like, I don't have health insurance. Like, what is the issue?

Dude, you could get free health. health insurance right now. Are you going to read us our futures or something cool like that? What about my prostate problems? I guess. That's what we're going to ask about. We're going to ask, you know, Christy is a special astrologist. She's worked on us before on this show.

She's always been spot on. She brought some cards this time. And we're going to figure out if we can solve Joaquin's prostate problems. You know what's really funny is I was in Tucson and I was high with my friend, Nicky, You are doing shows. That is funny. And these cars are. Oh, wow.

Look at that. That's actually the vagina of someone with a pelvic flora problem. And I brought, I brought you all. So these are gifts to you all. So let me know what questions you have for me for the taro. Okay. Well, okay. What would be a good question to start?

You know, Red Band announced this week that he has bought a house in Austin, Texas, which is about to be the new hub of comedy in the U.S. United States of America. And a lot of people are moving there, including perhaps even myself, including perhaps even the entire show of Kill Tony.

So my question is this, for your tarot cards, is that a good maneuver for us? Is that a good question? It's a beautiful question. Okay, perfect. And how about card number seven from the top? Okay, red band, stop messing with things. Here's what I'll do, because he's a seven degree

Jesus, oh, here we go. You already got one in this episode. Shut up with your seven shit. Is the Austin thing a good move for us? I have to pick a card. So what I'm going to do. How often do you do this, Red Band? How do you know what she's doing?

So I'm going to pass these baby wipes to y'all. Oh, my goodness. There we go. This is it. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to shuffle the card. I'm going to shuffle the cards and then I'm going to give you all instructions. So everybody while I'm shuffling the car, have a word or an intention that you're putting in like a and and preferably positive kind so the

word I'm putting in is compassion that's the word I'm going to put in as I shuffle these cards and or your intention I just keep thinking of the N word is that a bad word to I mean you know if if that's a positive word for you absolutely you know there's positive and negative are the same thing at the end of the day right okay I got a question if I think COVID is that positive? Well, I mean, it's depending how you look at it. If you're positive

with COVID, you know. One word, Joel. Let's keep the ball rolling. My name is Joaquin. Okay, let me know, think of your words. Let me know when to stop shuffling. And I'm going to pass the deck starting with Brian.

And each of y'all have your own cards. So this is your card for the rest of 2020. Is your car to keep it afterwards? Your card to keep. Wow. So, Brian, since your question, tell me when it's up. Jeremiah is going to be so mad. He missed out on a free thing.

I got a question. Is this scary? Like, should I really think this through? Jesus, that is so Mexican of you, Joel, to be afraid of the tarot cards. The name's Joaquin. Is Jesus going to be mad at me for these? I just don't know if I want to think what I'm thinking. And then all those cards are.

your message for the rest of the year. So basically, drugs told me to do this when I came here the next time. They were just like, instead of doing a regular tarot reading, to give you guys these cards. So these are

goddesses. Can I switch my goddess with his? It's hotter. Yeah, no, mine's super hot. It says I'm going to die before the year's out. Who's your goddess? And what's your message? My goddess is Mackhig Labrond, the diamond-hearted daikini. And what's the little Oracle message at the bottom?

I see the light in my own darkness. I face my ego beliefs to feel free. And you're a Leo. What's the Leo supposed to face in their life? The refrigerator. A Leo's. Leadership. Leadership, loyalty, strength.

And they're ruled by the sun. which is the positive and negative of their ego. So your answer is you have to face this like a lion. Oh. Yes, yes. Lion on an e-bike. Look out. It's great.

Okay. So I got a card. Can we talk about it? Absolutely. Mine is Sarah La Cali, queen of the outsiders. It says, I have arrived. I am where I. I will always be in love.

What does that mean? So this is the fierceness. So the thing about you, Tony, is you're not just a regular Gemini. We've talked about this before. I completely agree with you. I would consider you, if you weren't a comedian, I would consider you a defense attorney. Like if you want another way in a career, you would be a fucking badass defense attorney. but with that comes again great responsibility because you're looking at it from the inverse.

So if we look at the two of you as a pair, you are the infinite sign together, the dark and the light. But, you know, with that, you're meshing. So for Callie's energy, that is somebody who kills. Callie, her energy kills. And if we think of California with all the fires going on, she is the goddess of fire. So she's purging. So your job right now as kill Tony is to kill yourself, bro. Oh, perfect.

I'm going to kill myself. That's it. I've always said that if anyone tells me to kill myself, I'm going to do it. Coming up to see you, Brody. Yeah. Yes. Following in the footsteps. Enjoy it.

Oh, hi, Brody. How are you today? My head shots are 11 by 17. Wow. I stand out in a pile. These tarot cards are crazy. We're able to tap in with recently deceased comedian Brody Stevens. Brody, what else is going on up there?

Okay. Brody, how do you feel about the Dodgers winning the World Series? Uh-huh. You got it. Okay. This always gets creepy really fast. Okay, let's go with Don's tarot card. All right, mine is the green terra.

Aw. Interesting. The Buddha of enlightened action. Is that good? Do you want me to read what it says at the bottom? Yes. My soul informs my every step. I do what my heart compels me to do.

That's beautiful, Don. Thank you. So, Tara. Let's work up your puss a little bit, okay? What high school did you go to? Sagina-Douglas-McArthur in Saginaw Township, Michigan. So for you, Tara and the Green Tara is the word compassion. so your job is to learn how to be more compassionate.

Wow, there you go. You know what? Fuck your goddamn cards, okay? I'm a compassionate son of a bitch. Okay, let's go with Jetsky Jesse Johnson here. I got a freaking egg. Whoa, what is that? Is that like a wild card?

Is that like a joker? You're pregnant. Uno. Yeah, I think I'm pregnant because I hold the universe within me. I am a force of an ever-needed. Expanding Love. Aw, that's amazing. Fuck yeah.

What does that mean? Well, she's the cosmic egg, so she's here, she's the nucleus. She's bringing everybody together. She's the glue of the show right now. I absolutely agree that she is the glue of the show right now. Can I ask you a question? You know what? This is how we'll rationalize firing

Jeremiah is because we had to tell him that we had a breakthrough with a horoscope lady. Well, this is the first I'm hearing. We're moving to Austin. Well, I mean, congratulations. Does Jeremiah know when you lost your virginity? Don't tell them because it will really upset the family. And it's absolutely true.

She does bring the entire show together. A fresh energy, always positive, always hilarious. Absolutely. Picks her moments. Sweet sounding, not like crazy sounding. Great musician, not aggressive, doesn't try to take things over. Right, Jetsky? Gemini, but different.

You're Gemini? Yeah. When's your birthday? June 4th, I've told you seven times. Oh, okay. Well, perfect. I'm a really good friend. Let's go to Chroma Chris here.

Speaking of June, June 7th birthday here. I'm also a juvenile eye. Look at that. I'm June 8th. Did you know that? Whoa, yeah. Hinescliff or something's on the calendar, I believe. Have we ever talked about this?

I don't think so. Like seven's, right? Seven. Okay, so tell us about your card. Oh, I got Sarah Swati, the goddess of self-knowledge. And it says, the essence of who I am flows effortlessly into everything I create. So Sarah Swati is interesting because if we think of pelvic floor dysfunction and the sort of theme tonight,

that is the second chakra. The second chakra is Sarah Swati. She rules the creative chakra. It's interesting enough because it's also the cosmic egg sort of meshing. So you basically got the goddess of creativity. Wow. Wow, look at that. Andy just put out a new video that's out on his YouTube,

so that makes sense. He's been touched by the goddess of creativity. I've got a new video even now. Wow, look at that. You've been touched by an angel. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one person left who we need to get read, and he goes by the name of Watkin Watkins. Let's see what happens here.

I'm kind of scared right now, but... Go ahead, Joaquin. What do I tell you first? Who I got? Just read the fucking card, Joaquin, just like we all did. Right down the barrel. Teresa of Avila, our lady of the interior life.

I trust the answers I find we hear me. I know that the presence of love is real. So I think you should try putting a vibrator up your asshole to help with your process. Wow. Jesus. Try. I'm a professional. What are you talking about?

Sometimes Christy gets very. direct with her tarot reading. I think sometimes she just wants to get shit done. Was this the punchline to this long-ass joke with these cards? Because if it is, it sucks. I'm going to say vibrate her. No, tell me my truth. What have

to be scared of? He wants to know because he really is a Mexican. Do you know what that means to him? Well, I think for you, it's just opening your heart. This is a heart-opening thing. It's actually being vulnerable because you're Capricorn. At the end of the day, it's not about

control. It's about allowing people to love you. So, yeah, put the vibrator in your heart, Joel. Okay, all right. So I buy a vibe. Put a strap on in my heart. I get it. Christy, this has been so awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you, Christy. Another great horoscope reading by Christy Bellich. Wow, I love this. Yeah. So cool.

And I felt, I felt that she was a very cute girl. And one day I hope your pussy works. Give her nice. And the minute was great too, Christy. Topical. in the zeitgeist of everything that's happening right now with the global pandemic. And speaking of global people, this guy is shaped like a globe.

This guy, unbelievable, regular here on this show, truly one of my favorite comedians in the world, an incredibly efficient and well-respected door guy here at the comedy store. Another guy featured in the Comedy Store documentary. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great, the powerful, David Lucas There's a new study that says that shrooms can reset a depressed brain

and it's like who the fuck wants to reset depression? I'm at my adult depression now I just accepted that I was fat. You think I want to go back to my childhood shit? I think time travel is only a happy scenario for white people. What the fuck am I going to go back in time and do, get hung?

I don't know, man, I'm black. I go back in time and find out that dinosaurs like to eat niggas. Oh, my bad. I go back in time and find out that dinosaurs like to eat black people. My bad. My friends are getting soft. My buddy texts me the other day about his love language. He's like, dude, my love language is words of affirmation.

I'm like, why are you telling me that shit? You want me to suck your dick? Heck yeah. Got it all in in a minute. Squoze it in. like he squows into that sweatshirt before tonight's show. David Lucas.

That thing is tight as shit. That thing is tighter than Fernando Perez's wife's pussy. Don't be jealous, Tony. You put that sweatshirt on and then ate dinner. Tony, shut up. That was a great set, man. I really like the time travel joke. Thanks, man.

Yeah, I'm trying to work it out. Time travel jokes, the joke of the night. I mean, it's just incredible. That's a real, real timeless. I mean, that's just, that's an incredible joke. Definitely a lot more to be explored. You wrote that this week? I wrote it like probably sitting at that table over there.

I don't know if like ideas float in your head. Because like a lot of ideas, I believe, float in comedian's head. And we're like, that shit would never work. So we don't actually like do it. Because like, you know, when you're a regular on here, you want to have something that's like a seven out of a 10. So people are like, what the fuck? He fell off.

So it's like I got hell of ideas that I would like to talk about. But because of the current situation, I'm not able to like fully squose it in somewhere to work it out. Right. So you don't know it until you say it on there. Right. No, yeah.

And that's something that was definitely featured on, I believe, last night's showing of that Comedy Store documentary. It was like, you know, and it made me think about this crazy time because a huge part of my writing process specifically for stand-up comedy is trying it out. Like writing things down and thinking that it's going to work. really isn't any part of my system at all.

Exactly. Maybe like the first two months that I did this and I was just wrong. It just wasn't working. But I think, you know, things like that, and you have such a cool opportunity here on this show to at least get feedback from at least the people in this room. If you get a laugh in this room off a joke, that means it would obviously kill in front of an actual packed audience.

All the jokes I've been doing in the window murdered this past weekend on the show I was on. Yeah. Great. Yeah. So what's going on with William calling you out about the show? I don't know. What happened on Halloween? Let me, I'll let you see here.

Since William said I didn't do good, read what the guy said. That's what the guy said who ran the show. Read it out loud, right, man. Thanks so much for closing out the show. The whole audience had the feeling of like, this guy is the next fucking real one. And I just wanted to let you know, I'm appreciative of you being on my little show. And I'd love to have you back in the future. Also, who was William with that blonde chick that he was made?

out with the home. Hey, William is sitting in the back of the room. William, are you still back there? Yeah. Did you get a message sent to you from the guy that booked you guys? Because David did. Oh. He's white as hell.

William said he was black. He looks like Napoleon. He's white with long brown hair. Oh, my goodness. So you think you did better than William on this show? I mean, like, me and it's two different styles of comedy. Oh, I agree. agree.

It's like William does 45 one-liners in 30 minutes. And I like to, I'm an observation comic. So I just say shit that you already know in a different perspective. And you're like, damn, I never thought about it like that. So it's two different types of humor, two different. Like, compare myself to someone like William isn't fair. Did you dress up for Halloween? Absolutely not.

When's the last time you dressed up for Halloween? Probably as a kid. Tonight as the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah This would be This some black people Kool-A Like this is like black cherry

Like they don't sell Absolutely That was a good That was a good Kool-A Do you remember what the last thing You were That you dressed up as though A gallon of milk

A gallon of milk Yeah What made you do that Chocolate milk? I mean two gallon White t-shirt and a red hat White T-shirt and a red hat I remember you saying that

Wow that's it Yeah I mean And people were like What are you And you're like I'm a gallon of milk Yeah, bro, I developed humor at an early age, so I was always trying to be goofy. You also develop breasts at a young age.

Oh, God. Wow. Hell yeah. So do you do anything fun other than the show on Saturday this past week? That was pretty much it. That was pretty much it. Yeah, that was it, man. Shit, get drunk a little.

Not get drunk, but drink a little bit and chill. Okay. Yeah. That's fun. I've been chilling nowadays, bro, especially with the climate. Yeah. It's cool. Yeah.

It's cool. Oh, I did, uh, I trained, uh, Saturday and Sunday. Oh, yeah, I saw Jeff was with you. Jeffrey burner. Yeah, that motherfucker can fight, bro. Yeah. He can fight that little. He's one of those hidden rip guys.

Like when he takes off his shirt, you're like, what the fuck? He weighs like 130 and he's strong as hell. Yeah. Well, we locked up? I'm like, damn you strong. Like, it was crazy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Those are the types of people you need to be afraid of. 130 pound absolutely ripped super strong guys that seem unassuming. And the thing I hate about small guys when I'm rolling with them is that they can get their arms under your neck and into those weird places so much easier than a big guy. Right. You know, a big guy is not going to choke me out really, but a small guy like Joel can get that little forearm. Oh yeah.

It's sharp and it hurts. It cuts off the windpipe. Hell yeah. All right, David. Well, fun stuff. Keep training. Stay healthy, stay powerful. There he goes. The great David Lucas, everybody. On to the next one we go. Thank you.

God, that time travel joke is something else. That was great. That's liquid gold right there. And that's a fun one to play with. You're right. There's so much you can go into. That is a diamond. Like you could even break down like, what, the 1920s?

This happened? Yeah. I love the dinosaur thing. And really, it's like, I don't even think you need to mention the slavery. thing. I think it's like assumed and it goes straight to the dinosaur and then what else? Everything else pretty much

suck too. Right? It's like you could sort of go halfway back and it's like just if you wanted your own like water fountain or something, you could look at the positives, right? Jesus is one black friend. I mean wouldn't it

sort of be better if water fountains were? Ah, forget it. What the hell? When Jesus turned water to wine, he had a separate batch for the... Okay, thank you, Joaquin. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen,

I believe this is his first time on Kill Tony. Make some noise for David Eubanks, everyone. Hey. Look what they've done to my song. Here is David Eubanks. I kind of grew up in a different family. I have gay dads. I have two dads.

and when you grow up in that kind of household, you get a lot of questions, especially from kids in high school, middle school. Oh, Dave, is it weird if you hear your parents having sex? Is that weird or awkward? Of course it is. For the same reason, it's weird for anybody to hear their parents fucking. Like, no kid is out there cheering on mom and dad.

Like, yeah, dad, give it to her. Come on, mom, you can take more. Wait a minute. Dad's not supposed to be home for another hour and a half. And the FedEx Man sure has been here. while. And I have heard my dad's fucking, yes. But they never say anything out of the ordinary.

It's all the normal stuff people say when they're making love. Harder, deeper. Carl, glad you could make it. Come on in here. Pick a hole, start pumping. Merry Christmas. You know, perfectly normal things. And my dad's been fucking for a while. 25 years, they've been going

strong, which means they're good at it. I bet they could suck the cork out of a wine bottle. All right, thank you. Fuck yeah. to my song. Can I ask a question before you talk to him? Yeah. All right, I will give two points to anybody that can name

what famous commercial use that song in their ad. There was a very famous company that used that. Look what they've done to my song. I'm going to go with dove soap. Nope. Give us a hint, Don. All right, Coca-Cola. Oh, okay.

Oh, that's a good hint. That was the answer, too. Go with Coca-Cola on this one. R.C. Cola. David Eubanks, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, correct? Yes. And this is true. You have two gay dads.

Yes. And you hang out with them a lot? I haven't seen them in recent months. I've been kind of just hanging out by themselves. They live down in Redondo. I live up in Thousand Oaks. Oh, okay. And what's your mom like?

She's super cool, super chill. You guys are close? Yeah, my mom's super cool. she's like a like totally like sporty like outdoor type woman so she like took a how old uh how old were you when your dad uh came out of the closet uh see here's the weird thing i don't know it's always been rumored that everyone in my family knew that my dad was gay and that they did tried my mom and my dad tried to make something work that they just couldn't necessarily like make happen during a time when it was really not okay to be gay you know during like the 80s

and like 70s and stuff like that so i officially knew about it when I was like five years old after they split. Okay. Yeah. All right. And what was that like for you? Were you always cool with it? It was a brutal divorce.

So like it was a really tough thing to kind of like go through as like a kid. But, you know, I mean, it is what it is. It's just it's divorce, you know. It happens to a lot of people. Right. Absolutely. Yeah. You ever do anything cool with your, with your two dads?

Yeah. They took me to Vegas for my 21st birthday and that was a ton of fun. We went out and partied all night along. Oh, wow. Yeah. My goodness. Did your mother ever remarry? She's actually engaged again for the first time.

Straight guy? Yeah. What if she's just a chaser, you know? Wow. And what do you do for work, David? Currently I work at REI and Oxnard. Oh, sweet. Yeah.

REI is what? Like, you know, where you buy like canoes and outdoor stuff. Oh, okay. Kayaks, you know, stuff like that. Oh, sweetly. Wow, okay. Wow, Joaquin, what happened to your accent there? Oh, Kayax, you buy a boat. Okay, and how long you've been doing that for?

Just a couple months. I actually moved down here in June. I used to live up in Humboldt, and I moved down here in June. Whoops, you know. Wow, how do you like Humboldt? I loved it up there. It was great. That's what, that's what, three, four hours north of San Francisco? Oh, I thought you're going to say three or four hours north of here. It's a 10 hours north of here About four hours, five hours north of San Francisco

Depending on traffic you can get out of there In Santa Rosa and stuff like that That is far Is that close to Oregon than it even is San Francisco Yes and it's still an hour From the Oregon border. That's crazy. Wow, only an hour from the border of Oregon

Which is only three hours From the southern border of Washington Which is only two hours from the southern border of Canada Correct. So technically it's closer to Canada than it is Los Angeles It's bananas like the drive from here to there is 12 hours like on a good day. You drove today?

No, no. Oh, no. Okay. You live in Thousand Oaks now. Yeah. Why did you set up camp in Thousand Oaks? It was just where like the living situation was available. And his fathers are gay. Right.

Right. So let me ask you this. You did a joke about hearing your gay dads have sex. But have you heard them have sex? Yeah, me and my stepbrother used to like try to turn them the TV up really a lally so we couldn't. Yeah, I bet. You know what sucks is when you're, two gay dads are having sex and you turn the TV up really loudly, but it's accidentally

gay porn on the TV and it just sounds like four dudes having sex instead of two. To use a Brody line, did you ever smell them? Yeah. Was it humid in your apartment? I bet their bedroom smells like William Montgomery's shorts. Halloween. Shit, hey. So that's fun.

Is your dad the dad that made you? Is he the top or the bottom, you think? Bottom. Wow. Look at that. My goodness. What's I like to know that your father gets fucked in the ass? Okay, no, it's okay.

Have you ever tried it? Have you ever tried it? Good question. No, my girlfriend stuck a finger up in my asshole a while back, but I didn't, I wasn't a fan. Daddy. Wait, what happened? She stuck your finger in your ass and what? Yeah, we were like trying to do, like, new, like, sexy things, and she wanted to put a finger in my asshole

because she was trying to convince me it felt good, and I had heard that it did. So I let her rip. Who told you that? Who told you it felt good? That's a friend. It's an interesting. The K-tads did. The dad was like,

Taste the rainbow. Oh. Listen, son, if there's one thing I got to tell you. He sat him down when a man loves another man. Let me tell you about the birds and the birds. Okay. So you have...

Let me ask you this, and this is a serious question. As a child, did your friends know that your dad was homosexual? And did they give you a hard time about it. Some of them were really cool. Some of them were really not, like not my friends, but kids in high school and like middle school and elementary

school. When they figured that out, there was like a lot of teasing and stuff like that. And also, Don, we don't call it a hard time in a gay household. Yeah. You came from a broken home. Yeah. Well, kind of. David. I must say this guy was not as interesting

the guy that had the girlfriend that can't fuck, but, you know, still, very interesting. That's actually funny. You mentioned that that's exactly where I was going with this. When you guys, when you and your girlfriend decided to start being experimental, you mentioned that she stuck a finger in what David Lucas would call a booty hole. Now, what else did you guys do that was experimental? I think the listeners of this show would love to know.

That was pretty much it. We've tried, like, different drugs while trying to fuck. What kind of drugs? Mushrooms. Oh, that's a fun one to do while having sex. One of the worst ones. No, it's awful. It's awful.

I have a horrendous idea. You're a monster. It's like fucking in different places. Like outdoors, like camping. Like we did a hike in Sedona and we tried to like fuck out there. Hell yeah. It's not good. No,

there's flies and shit. Right. Yeah. It's nothing sexy about it. What ethnicity is your girlfriend? Jewish and Puerto Rican. Wow. Look at that.

Jewish and Puerto Rican. Yes. Goodness. Wow. Did your father ever turn you on to poppers? Yeah. No, my dad's pretty, like, mainstream, like, Anderson Cooper gay. That's what he calls his two dads as poppers.

Oh, look at who topped my joke. Oh, my God. Wow, what a star. Wow. So tell us one more fun fact about you that we would be surprised to know. You have any special skills or talents? I majored in wildlife biology. up in Humboldt State University.

Oh, okay. Wildlife Biology. You're just trying to figure out why two guys were doing it. You were like, does this happen in nature? Yes, it does. Yeah. What's the most interesting thing

that you learned at your time up in Humboldt studying wildlife biology? That I love stand-up. Oh, okay. That's an emotional... Who's your comic hero? It'd be good to say Kill Tony, is what I would have gone on there.

To be fair, I did really love your part in the Comedy Store documentary about the late nights. I really respect that. That was awesome. Wow, look at that. I like you a lot better and I'll never tease you about your dad. You know what?

I think maybe you just found a third dad. I'm collecting. There you go. Well, thank you so much, David, for coming on. Very, very fun stuff. David Eubanks, ladies and gentlemen. Look what they've done to my song. Hey, hey.

There's all that sweet. She switches to French at some point in there. She do so feel. Melanie. Also the hillside singers. Melanie also famously sang, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates. You got a brand new key.

Oh, yeah, it's a brand new key, not friend in me. I said brand new key. I know, I said friend in me. I got to confuse with the great Randy Newman. You love those car movies. Win the roguies. All right. This young man has been on this show numerous times before.

He famously has had sex with William Montgomery's girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, here is Mario Tanti. Is there any way he can just talk about that sexual encounter the entire time? Thank you. I'm Italian, so I grew up with a really, racist grandfather, but I was a kid, so I was too young to know that he was racist. So up until I was 10 years old, I thought the family living down the street were actual raccoons. Like, when you're five and you hear your pappy say the colors, you just think he's talking about crayons. Like, you don't find

out the truth until, like, way later. Like, I didn't even know they were called Brazil nuts until a year after he died. And, like, it was his favorite nut, too, dude. Like, you couldn't just, like, wallnuts? What the fuck like yeah he he died of lung cancer though when I was 12 he smoked a carton of camel non-filter cigarettes every day

for like 30 years yeah he loves smoking but he would have hated that he died with black lungs I I told that joke to my mom because it's about her dad and she was like he wasn't racist they all talked like that back then like

yeah mom so they were all racist back then There it is. Perfect timing Mario Tanti. Mario Tanti does it again. How's it going Mario? It's good. I don't want to talk about it more than he doesn't want to talk about her. It's okay. We won't talk about it. Update us about your life or anything that you want to talk about with us. You've been on the show numerous times. You know how this part works? Yeah, I started taking yoga a couple months ago.

Started taking yoga. Yeah, I started taking a yoga class. Okay. Yeah, I got so fucking bored. How's that going for you? It's all right. It makes you feel good, doesn't it? It does make me feel good.

I enjoy it. Where do you take it in the ass? Pan Pacific, yeah, right in my, this has nothing to do with him. Dirty, gay, booty hole. You do it at Pan Pacific Park? Yeah. That's my park.

I know, I see, uh, is that I see Rick back there? I see him walking every morning sometimes. Yeah, that's, that's our. You see the juggler guy that's always there? No, I saw, I saw Alex Hooper there. Alex Hooper there. He was filming a skip the other day. It was like with three dudes, like, hump and air, like for like an hour.

Are they dads? Yeah, that park also has a stand-up comedy shows that they do. It does every Friday and Saturday. Yep, you do ever do those? I go to them. I'm on one Saturday there. Okay. Who books that?

It's all random. Oh, Ben Hurwitz is his name. Yeah. Ben Hurwitz. I'll be there next week too. All right, man. Good. See you soon.

What have you learned at yoga when it comes to the people that do yoga? What have you learned people watching there? Oh, man. White people were terrible. Just people in the park in the morning are just like not my kind of people. You say white people are terrible? Yeah, most of them. Have you ever hung around people of other races before?

Yeah, I mean most people are terrible, but like, but white people are tripping. White people are doing yoga in a park in the morning. But I'm one of them now, so it's like, yeah. Are you? What ethnicity are you, Mario Tanti? I'm Italian. Really? Yeah, I just said it.

God, just Italian, huh? Yeah. You don't seem very Italian. I know. I'm not like a, I just finished watching the Sopranos. I'm not like that Italian, but You just...

Well, I mean, I've seen it before, but I just been, I just rewatched it. Yeah, no, I did that too. But, yeah, I'm like, I'm not Italian. I'm like, I'm not fucking Italian enough. Like, they're just like... You really not. You're really not.

You don't have the swagger of an Italian. It's not about, like, talking Italian. It's like you just don't have like... The Italians are normally ridiculously cool. You look more like a Luigi. I know. I'm tall. I'm not fat.

There he is. You know, I watched the Sopranos recently, and Italians are, like, pretty Armenian. Yeah? A lot of people are saying that you're reminding them of Luigi. Do you get this a lot? No, but I did get made fun for my name a lot. Oh, you did?

That's so sad. How sad. There comes. Luigi. I set you up for that. You have a princess right now, Luigi? I don't have a princess. I'm working on it, but no prince up.

Here it comes again. You don't have to queue up the sound effects, Mario. We're just going to do them. All right, here comes another sound effect coming right at you. How many years sober do you have now? Because I know you used to love heroin and stuff. I mean, I haven't done heroin in like a long time. How long?

You did it? It's been like 15, I don't know. 24, I thought. Kind of a fucking Italian does heroin. I know. He hadn't even thought about heroin until you brought that up. I know, dude. Well, this year is kind of making me.

Tony Sopranos nephew did heroin on the show. He did. Yeah, but that's a fiction. I remember when that show was out, I was like stopping right around the time when that was like airing at the same time. So like I was like with my family, like watching the episode. And look, I mean, look what ended up happening.

That sucks. Christopher Maltesanti, played by the great Michael Imperioli, who was Spider in the hit movie, Goodfellas. You keep it going. Who had a very big line in there? Who had a very big line in Good. Bella's? Yeah.

Okay, forget it. Was that a trivia? It was. Ask me. I didn't understand the question. Who had a very big line? He did. Spider,

what was his big line in there? Why don't you take that? Or no, that was Joe Pesci. You know what? You know what? You know what, Tommy? Why don't you go fuck yourself?

Oh, you're going to let this fucking guy. Oh, you're going to let him talk to you like that? I really thought I took the show into a nose dive and you saved it. Thank you. Now. Now, I know good. fellas absolute front to back every single word that's what i used to watch on every sick day when

i was a kid that's how frightening my childhood was is that when i was nine 10 11 12 on sick days that's what i would watch every single day did you have thank you walking just showed it to my girlfriend for the first time oh god her mind must have just been blown out so jealous of her i know there's nothing more fun than getting to see movies like that for the first time absolutely insane um you know what i just showed somebody for the first time a couple weeks ago and it was an absolute blast and it always is that way was the great movie

Windy City Heat pretty beautiful. Fuck you. Who likes to fuck? Yeah. It's my tagline. That's right. I do that.

Mario, we're going to keep it moving here. Thank you so much. Another great minute. Very fun. As always, come back again soon. Mario Tanti, everybody. We got one name left in the bucket. We're going to get another quick one up here.

We're going to knock it out very quickly. And then we have. have a very, very special surprise. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket comedian of the night for her very first time ever in Kill Tony History, put your hands together for the comedy stylings of Lisa Landers. Here we go. What's going on? This is Lisa Landers.

Thank you. Hey, I'm Lisa Landers. I have this really familiar look. kind of like a Mormon housewife. But I get mistaken for people all the time. I've even gotten celebrities. I've gotten Lorna Dern, Amy Poehler, McCauley Cockin. Because as we all know, McCauley's known for his boobs.

So, you know, as I drive around, I see a lot of people wearing masks. in their cars. I just have to say, wearing a mask when you're alone in your car is kind of like wearing a condom to masturbate. You can do it. You don't really need to. I guess I still got a couple more minutes.

There you go. No, that's good. 53 seconds of Silent Thunder by Lisa Landers. Welcome to the show, Lisa. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Of course, we're happy to have you. How long have you been on stand-up conference? About three years.

About three years. Where are you from? I'm from Ohio. What part of Ohio? Cambridge. Cambridge, Ohio. Is that near Athens? Where is that?

It's right where 70 and 77 come together. 70 and 77. Interstate 70 running east and west through Columbus? So it's like east of Columbus? East of Columbus, close to a West Virginia. Have you ever heard of a place called Michigan? Yes. Oh, fuck you.

Yeah, I just heard of, I just heard something about them this week. I heard a lot of Michigan. Oh, that's right. Okay, we're dealing with, we're dealing with somebody over there. What is that, Tony? Michigan State beat Michigan in a regular season game, eliminating them from playoff contention. You son of a bitch.

How's their water up there? Yeah. You got that dirty Michigan water. Yeah. It's a one town. That's a one town. You've got to broaden your range of knowledge of Michigan. one tone.

It's pretty close to Flint. Has anyone ever told you you look like Nancy Cartwright? Nancy Cartwright? That's a compliment. She looks like

that's the lady who voiced Bart Simpson. Oh, wow. We love the Simpsons. Did they ever tell you my Nancy Cartwright story real quick? I was at a bar and she was really wasted and she was just trying to kiss me and I didn't know who she was

and I was like, God, this woman and she's like, nah, she's too old for me or whatever. And then we get in the car and then my friend goes, you know that was Nancy Cartwright? I was thinking how awesome would that be to have fucked like Bart Simpson and wait till she hears the voices

that you can do Brian Oh, honey. Whoa! Add it to the list. Voices from Red Band. Impressions from Red Band. Who else do you got, Ryan? Remind us of some of the six impressions that you do.

Cartman, can you do Carpman? Oh, wow. Very impressive. Who else? Well. What kind of stuff is it, Brian? Nancy. You can do a famous impression of a president as well.

Am I correct? I can do Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Oh, yeah? Why, Dean? What do you want, Jerry? Impressions. We do my favorite, your Bob Hope. Yeah.

That's so stupid. Come on, do the Bob. All right, I'll do it quick. Bob Hope talking to his heroin dealer. Hey, I got to tell you, boy, I'm Jonesing like a motherfucker. Lisa, tell us something wild about you that we'd be surprised to know. You seem like you've had an interesting life. Sort of, well, I'm a nurse.

Okay. I'm thinking, though, I might need to meet a physical therapist. Yeah. After today's... You have a little bit of an issue down there? I love this. This is like a gynecology episode of Kill Tony. women just coming here like you have anybody I can see I have a

Cunt failure night at the killed we need to get we need We need one of those chairs where they just strap their shoes into a Oh yeah I used to have one of this Oh red band come on So what else would we be surprised to know about you? You ever been in love? I have I have I've been in an off and on relationship for the past like With Melissa Etheridge am I correct No I'm kidding

Ever been with a comic before? No. Ever been with William? With what? William Montgomery? No. You saw him earlier. It was the Arab chic.

Who shit his pants? What a treat. It's not fair. She might have loved him. Oh, my God. Okay. So, did you vote? Who did you vote for?

Oh, okay. Well, can't all be winners. Okay. What was my next question going to be before this stupid... Now you don't even care about her anymore. Tony's next question was, why did you vote for dinner? Did you start comedy in Ohio or did you...

No, I started here. Okay. Okay. What do you do for fun? What do I do for? Well, stand-up. What else? Other than stand-up? You seem like the kind of lady

that likes to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself or perhaps, you know, you like to build things out of hollow, books. Got a good laugh from Ryan J.E. Belt. I don't know where everybody else is here. You know, I wish that I had something that was terribly interesting about me, but I'm just

I'm very plain vanilla. Like what did you do today? You woke up, what happens? I got up. Yeah. What do you do? The very first thing, you walk to the... Kitchen. And what do you do in the kitchen? Make coffee. Uh-huh. What do you have? A curig?

No. Just a... Regular coffee pot? Like a hotel coffee? pot? Yes, just a plain old Mr. Coffee. Oh, my God. How many tattoos do you have? How many, do you have any tattoos? No. Okay, so you make the coffee. What do you do while the coffee's brewing?

I get out my supplements. Oh, what kind of supplements are you taking right now? B12, iron, zinc. Of course, all those things. Vitamin D. Are you on Centrum silver? Are you still on regular Centrums? Depends on what's on sale.

So then what? You take your supplements. I take my supplements. On an empty stomach? Yes. With a glass of water. Yes. Sink water?

No. Refrigerator. Filtered. But refrigerator like the glass against the thing? Brita? I use a burkee. Okay. Is that that's one that connects directly to your faucet?

No, it's just... It's like a poor person, Brita. I piss into a glass and then I shove it in my ass. Okay. Thank you again, Joaquin, for that. You're welcome. Okay, so you have your filtered water. You take down your supplements.

The coffee is almost done brewing. Yes. Then what do you do? I pour myself a cup of coffee. What do you do when you drink the coffee? I stand at the kitchen counter. You just lean against the kitchen counter. You look out of a window.

Do you stare at the floor? You look at your own feet? I look out the kitchen window. What do you see out of that window? Tell us what you see out of the window. Just strawberry bushes. Do you smoke while drinking the coffee? No, I wish, but no.

So you're looking out, you're looking at strawberry bushes out of the window. And what does that make you think of? Hurry up and get ready for work. Oh, my goodness. So you get ready for work. What do you listen to on the drive to work? You're about to be a nurse. You're about to go save lives and stretch out vaginal walls.

Kill Tony. And what do you listen to? I usually listen to. I usually listen to the news or I, um, all I listen to. What news? What kind of news? Oh. You voted for Biden, so I'm guessing fake.

I, 10,000. Thank you. 1070. Kansas City. 1070. Yeah. 1070. Fake news.

All day every day. 24-7 fake news. Yes. Okay, Lisa, we're running out of time. Come back again and let's talk some more. There goes Lisa Landers, everybody. Lisa. Lander's.

There goes, Lisa Landers. All right. That was Lisa Landers, and now it is time for something extremely special. Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago,

this young man took a hiatus from the show. He went to go visit family in Wyoming. We did not know whether or not he would ever return. The story is absolutely incredible. And anyway, without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen,

it is a pleasure for me to bring up one of my favorite human beings of all time, one of the great comedians in the history of Kiltony, a legend from Chicago, Illinois, originally from New York, New York. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the great. Michael Lair, everybody. Man, I fuck someone

when I could walk. I got bored with fucking, all right? I traded fucking for woodworking. You know how mad that makes her lady when she's like, Oh, I can make love to me. And I'm like, nah, bitch, let's make a table. 90% of my life is careiness,

hooking shit to myself to an noon dropping. Every time I take your shit, it's like a scene from that documentary free solo, trying to find a place to stink my hand between the dry wall

and the walls gone. I spent most of my... I spent most of my like able-bodied and racist. Now that I'm disabled, I understand what Puerto Ricans are so mad about. Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, the return of the noble beast himself. Look at that look on his face of just pure focus and nobility. Oh, he seems disappointed about something. How you feel, Michael? I've traveled around the country and I'm the physical Michael Lera is no longer alive

I'm Steve Martian Steve Martian Yeah Well what the fuck does that mean I'm Steve Martian is a vessel that is transforming the consciousness of Michael Ler because the physical of Michael Lairn can no longer

knew the rigors of humanity. Small talk, heartbreak, hypocrisy, both important and exporting. Steve Martian is a wider lens for Michael Lair, but it'll still be mostly about fucking drugs. Wow.

Look at that. Is Steve Martian's thing dressing up like Colonel Sanders? You fucking little prank. What are you, 27 years own. Yeah. Hey, and I will come back for the Colonel Sanders one.

Yeah, you want me to do it again so that you could just hit me with it? Yeah. Okay. Is part of Steve Martian's thing that he always dresses like Colonel Sanders? Yeah, ironically enough, KFC and 11 secret and spices

and also the cure for ALS. Wow KFC ALS David Lucas heard KFC and just ran back in the room I think I look a little more like American

Psycho and then Colonel Sanders And I like that's actually a really good Steve Martin suit That's probably hard to come by It is No I went to a Hollywood Boulevard

I visited John and I want him to come on their show. Me and Zach Bogers went there, looking for this, and this guy, I believe he's from Lebanon, and his suit strong Hollywood Bullimard. You don't know what you're going to get. Extremely helpful.

And then, like, I wouldn't bet a million dollars on this. He's a fucking comedy. expert. He knew all about you. He's like oh, Tom's secure and moved to Austin. Like he knew all about I killed Tony the store

and then I facetamed you when I was in the shoe shop and it's like oh you must be special Tony he picked up after one ring. That's right. You're goddamn right. When Michael Lair

facetimes me, I always take it because I'm I'm always, not only am I a good friend, but I also am deathly afraid of missing the last phone call that you make to me. It'll be to you because my family is, I'm a-a. Oh, really? No, I'm kidding. Am I, like the girl that sings paper planes? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know why I thought that would be funny. There's nothing funny about it. There's nothing funny about it. Favorite joke of the night, man. Fuck. That was good. Thank you, Joaquin. No, no.

But I did go to Wyoming to visit my dad, and beforehand, and beforehand, I had sent a wheelchair. And I was very small so I can use it around the house. You sent a wheelchair ahead of time to Wyoming so you could use it at your dad's place. Yeah, exactly. and they did not tell me it would not fit in the bathroom. The wheelchair does not fit in the bathroom. How small is that bathroom?

Like just through the door? It was the most narrow, rancel house you've ever been in the living. Wow. So I sit at a hotel home. And then one day, Pardon me. One day I woke up and my phone was dead

and I didn't have my charger and probably 12 minutes away from everybody. And I'm like getting on the computer trying to find someone that brings me a phone charger. You know, I'm alone in the hotel room. can't walk You know Wait what?

You can't walk? Yeah Talking is Compromise Can't sign my name So I'm messaging Everyone

A Colette is calling My family My dad next time I live 10 minutes From the hotel And Collette Calls

I was like Please bring Michael a phone charger and my son I'm like Mike what if we got playing today?

Oh Jesus I'm like Are you fucking kidding me and then they were like oh we'll probably get up there in a couple of hours and Colette's freaking out of this point

so it was just a comedy of air or if you were Here's a tip. Here's a tip, by the way. Most hotels have a lost and found, and it's filled with phone chargers that people have left in rooms. So a lot of times if you don't have a phone charger, if you go to the front desk, they usually have boxes of them. Brian, you think I'm in like...

Oh, here you tried that? Postmates has 7-11 on there. How's he going to get to the front desk? Pardon me. Pardon me, everyone. But there's a reason none of you have ever toured in Wyoming. It's the fucking wasteland and mutinan. All right?

Fun fact is it is true. It is one of only, I believe, five states in which there has not been a kiltony. They're with North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Hawaii, and Montana. It's funny you should say that because I just found out I was looking at Southern Fear My Ding Dong Show has still not been in 49 states. Wow. Wow. Very interesting.

Just goes to show, you know, that's why everyone says that show is the most, like, potential, because, like, there's so much that hasn't been done. A lot of ground that has been turned over. So, Michael, we have so much to catch up about here. Yes, please. How do I sound? I'm working on it. I swear to God, you know, I'm being dead serious here, and I think everyone would agree with me.

This is the best you've sounded in a very long time. Thank you. I'm working on it In fact, for the listeners of this show, I told Michael before the episode, I said you make Lou Gehrig look like a fucking little bitch

because you got his disease and here you are getting better and stronger over the past month or two and he died from it. Yeah. Thank you. It's funny you mention Lou Gehran

because there's a lot of layers to my outfit. People have always told me I look like St. Martin. I am definitely more of a steemortion. And

the white suit is the worst possible choice for a man who can't sign his own name. But the things that don't come out with

simply be pushpins on the map of the rest of my life. All right, faggots. Now, I am and also Lou Gehrie was done with baseball when he can no longer but in his journey.

So I wear this very complicated out and they're burning and it takes me a while. Because everyone watches the film and what they don't see is my body

is a hundred thousand fire. So shit's real now. I'm still going to make you fucking live real hard.

My line is fucking around. more because I am no fuck to get. God damn it, Michael. You are a fucking inspiration. You are the beating heart of this show. I am so glad that you are back. I cannot wait to continue to play every single Monday.

You bring so much excitement to this fucking show and also so much power and hope and inspiration. And we love you. welcome home Michael Lair. And also, I was telling Red Band when you were just doing a monologue. I told him, I go, no one plays to the fucking camera better than you. For those of you... Yeah, he's a fucking professional.

For those of you that just listen to the show, you're really missing out on the incredible eye contact that he makes right down the fucking barrel. It's like he looks through the camera. Hey, can I have one thing? Absolutely. Is there anything you want to plug other than an... iPhone charger in Wyoming in your phone. No, go ahead, Michael.

I hosted the show on Big Ten Network years ago. Yeah, we're all Big Ten people here. Ohio State, Ohio State, and the organization formerly known as the Michigan Wolverines. Right. Michigan Week, every week we would go to a different school. In Michigan week, I got pink eye from a stripper's butthole flexing. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Hold on a second. You got pink eye from what? A stripper's butthole flexing. A dirty Michigan butthole. No, it was East Chicago, Indiana. Anyway. He didn't say Michigan. No, but I had pink eye during the Michigan

episode of Big Ten Terrigan on the Bayton Network and I want you killed Tony Moon to find it. It's obvious I have pink eye.

Well, luckily you know how to handle a... You know how to handle it. Oh, there he is. He's doing a reenactment of what it was like when he had Pink Eye. My goodness. Who would guess? Who would guess? that a guy like you would be capable of getting a disease like that.

Okay dokey. How about one more time for Michael Lair, everybody? He's back. That's another episode of Kill Tony. Here's the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. He drew this while you all sat there doing less than nothing. Look at that. Wow.

That's great. A very special Halloween drawing. Oh, and look at Don. Wait till you see this. You're going to see it. You're right down the middle. They're right underneath my chin. Look at you.

Do it look good? It looks exactly like you. It's absolutely incredible. All those prints are available at Ryan J.Ebalt.com. Guys, how about a big hand for Don Barris? Oh, yeah. Don, what do you got going on? What's happening with you?

Well, follow me on Simply Don one. That's number one on all this shit. Also, go to Simply Don the podcast network, and we have our Big Three premium channel that's really doing kick-ass business. finally, Don Barris wins. Yeah, you're goddamn right. He does. He wins all the time. Thank you so much

for coming on here. We love Don Barris. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Red Band. Truly, the fucking pulsing cock of the comedy story. I mean, just a big dick to monster. How about one more time for Don, everybody? Guys, look at this. The leader of the band

tonight, the great Phyllis Watkins was here. Phyllis, what's going on with you? Hey, check out my brother's special December 8th and Venmo at Jetsky Johnson. Yeah, Venmo JetSkey Johnson, all one word. And also she has ornaments for sale. Go to Jetsky Johnson.com. Get your Christmas ornaments, but they're really anytime ornaments.

You can keep them around 24-7. She makes everything by absolute hand, and that's Jetsky Johnson. Guys, how about Chroma Chris on guitar tonight? Chroma, tell us about what you just released on YouTube. Yeah, so you can, my little. bro specials coming out December 8th. You can download that and watch that. But also, you could go to my Instagram

Chroma Chris. My band, Drac, and the Swamp Rats just released our Jam in the Van Session, which is up now. Sweet. Follow them on social media at Chroma Chris. And guys, believe it or not, that guy that known as Joaquin Watkins, I believe that was actually Joel

Jimenez all night. Yeah, it was. Joel, tell us what's going on. All right, well, it's still Wachin'Walking's. Let's see. My cousin's debut One Hour Special Call Family Reunion Reuner, released to Comedy Dynamics. Here's the trailer. It will be available to Rann on Amazon Prime.

You can pre-order now. We got it. How about you, Joel? I got the Mostly Sorry podcast. We do it every week. Me and David Deary. That's it. We love you guys. Awesome. Red Band. Hey, guys. Check out Brothers Incursive on Patreon. Patreon.com.

Brothers Podcasts. We get him to do a bunch of crazy shit. Last episode, William got shocked to fuck. It's a lot of fun. Check it out. That's true. And yeah, fun times, everybody. We'll see you next week.