KILL TONY - KILL TONY #484

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

Jeremiah Watkins, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jeremiah Watkins, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 12/07/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show. And you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the Hinchcliff.com. E-Belt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to RyanJ.eBelt.com and pick up some cool kill-tony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is ShopSquod. There you got some Desquod hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at shop squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band. and come to you live from the world famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for a Tony Hatscraft. Yippie Duda Day. And again, good evening and welcome, everybody. What's going on, buddy? Brian Redband and I are here for another fun episode of Kill Tony.

Feels just right in this room. Yeah, it feels great. Here in beautiful West Hollywood, California, which is shut down. Yeah. Happened last week. About to be shut down. Right. When it happened?

And now it's shut down. But now we're about to be shut down. Yeah. It's incredible. But we're going to have fun. It's been a good week since the last episode. Boy, it just feels like yesterday. It feels like the same exact day, but without a sweatshirt.

I'm excited to be here. We're going to have a lot of fun. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here. Look at him, everybody. Ryan, give these people a wave. Every single episode is drawn out by Ryan J.E. Belt, and those prints are all for sale of Ryan J.E. Belt. dot com. Some limited edition, kill-tony stuff, some drawings, all the tour posters, and a bunch

of other cool stuff. Ryan J.Ebelt.com for all of his amazing artwork. He has already started drawing tonight's episode. How about a big hand for Vito's Pizza on delicious. Delicious. Foods and Pizza. Las Siena Boulevard between Santa Monica and Melrose. I love it. I go there once, twice, three times a week. A lot of fun, a lot of good time. Shout out to Charlie. our guy keeping us all thick and happy. And a big hand for the great Gino, everyone. He's here every single week. Since the inception of this show,

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Are you guys excited? This is one of those really cool moments on this show where I bring out a guest who is very special to the show. This young man made his debut years ago as one of the first ever panel guests of the show or one of our first ever road shows in La Jolla. This guy was on panel. And then we saw him again and again and again.

And then he joined Pat Reagan, the former band leader of Kill Tony as a bandmate for a few episodes and then he was part of the band and then Pat left and he was the band leader leading Joel Jimenez and Chroma Chris to great great levels and then Jetsky Johnson.

He is the leader of the Kill Tony band. Tonight's guest has a brand new special coming out this week, December 8th, available on Amazon and all platforms at Jeremiah Watkins.com. Guess who it is. It's the leader of the best damn band in the land. Jeremiah Watkins,

everybody. Wow. Need you. From the bomb and we locked eyes. I love my surprise. There he is. Jeremiah Watkins. He brought some albums with him. Perhaps to give away to people? No, these, there's a couple special people in the inside

that the special thanks are made out to. Whoa. The first comedians are Tony Hinchcliff and Brian Redmond. Wow. Look at that. That's so cool, man. Are you excited about this? I'm really excited.

These copies are for you guys. I did bring you guys. Wow, so it turns out some lucky people will be getting free copies of Jeremiah special. Check that shit out. I'm kidding. I'm going to keep this. I'm going to put it on my shelf. It's going to look like you're just sitting there.

I know. Jeremiah Watkins family reunion, December 8th. How exciting. The debut special from the little baby gorilla himself, Jeremiah Walkins, a guy who, wow, what a history we have. We've been all around the world together. Dude, the Monster Energy Drink Tour in 2017, that was one of the things. 27 cities in a month. Yeah, it was insane.

And it was, we did two-man shows where I do half an hour and then Tony would do an hour. And that's where, you know, I developed a lot of chops that, like, you know. God damn right. Make you closer to become a headliner and stuff like that and get you more comfortable on the stage. So, yeah, I'm super grateful to you guys. And you got introduced to a lot of the club bookers, the owners, the general managers. I go, this is my friend Jeremiah. They know me as a worker bee.

I put in a good word and look at you now. You're all grown up. You're ready to fly away. And that's why he's here to announce he's no longer going to be part of the band. Everybody, it's very exciting. He's moving on. He's moved on with his own special. He figures why be part of an ensemble.

By the way, I don't think we've talked about this. The self-promotion never ends. The world's smallest. This isn't even an actual size of a DVD. And a couple weeks ago, by the way, Bravo, I don't think we've even talked about this. You were out of town doing shows in New York, I believe, and you had the band, or the band,

it was all dressed up as different Watkins brothers and sisters. And the idea of you throwing in advertising for your special through them was Bravo. That was one of the funniest. That was Joel's idea. That was actually Joel's idea. I can tell. I actually had nothing to do with it. And he told me that you're going to do it.

I was like, dude, if you do that, just make sure Tony knows that was not me behind that. Yeah, well, they didn't make sure. I assumed it was you the whole time. I've been fuming about it. Perfect, perfect. I'm kidding. Well, Jeremiah, it's funny. I can't believe I get to tell you this,

but I don't know if you know this or not, but there is a band on this show. There is a band. Yes, there is. Every single week, they commit to being different characters and stay in character. I never know what they're going to be. Do you know what they're going to be?

This is an interesting one. I feel like you probably do this time, because you're a little... We'll see. Little showbiz. You like to peel the curtain back. Yeah, yeah. We'll find out together.

Let's find out what they are together. It's the best stand band in the land of the Kiltoni band. Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, and Joel Jimenez. Six Jays, two humans. Oh, shit.

We've seen this before. Wow. This is very exciting. I believe it's Bill Billingsley, ladies and gentlemen, the legendary heavy drinker just always is having a meltdown. These are old-timey characters.

And Jetsky Johnson, Remind me of your name. Hey, I'm Starla, unfortunately, Billingsley. Oh, Starla Billingsley. And you're the ex-wife of Bill? No, unfortunately, we're still married. Whoa. Isn't she just a beach?

Bill, what's going on? Bill Billingsley, one of the most famous characters in Kill Tony, history. Actually, Tony, I've been clean and sober for about a year now. Life is going great. Wow. I just have some water tonight. Everything's going well. Seems like your marriage is going good.

Yeah, I mean, I love her to death. I mean, she's really just such a wonderful woman. I'm just happy, you know, she had my back throughout the everything, you know. What do you mean? Are you gaining sobriety she had your back? Yeah, I mean, I'm in the program. You know, I'm in the program. I don't know what this guy's laughing about.

Red band instantly is commenting on Starless boobs. Oh, Red band. They're so poignant. Thank God. Red band, you're a monster. So what 50's boobs look like, Red band. I was like, I never saw that before. It's 50s boobs.

I've never seen a set of boobs that didn't look like that. I don't know what you're laughing at. Ben's never wished that he lived in the 50s more than right now. He's like, I'm going to go back, I'm going to build a time machine. Just that I can say point of boobs. I've never seen boob character work before. This is pretty awesome. It's like 8-bit.

I'm going to build an E-time machine. Starla, if you're not happy with Bill, why do you stay with him? Because it's the 50s. Well, honestly, Tony, I'm not drinking, but I am still beating this shit out. of my wife. It takes the edge off. Wow. This is a couple from the 50s. Starla Bill Billingsley, Jeremiah Watkins, the real man, Jeremiah, not in character, the real human being in the flesh. Jeremiah is going to be with us all night. Red band and his soundboard. You guys ready to start the show? Should we do this, huh? I'm excited. This should be very, very much fun. There's only one way to get this

party started it's with a god damn perfect little fucking man biscuit this guy right here writes a brand new minute every single week he was panicking earlier he said he might not be ready for this one so let's see what happens he lowered the expectations i'm excited to see what's going to happen one of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world it's the one the only the big red machine william montgomery here he is Thanksgiving, Indiana. Anne Frank wrote in her diary that she and her best friend, Morda,

would be best friends forever. I'll have to take her word for it. Ian Frank wrote some pretty funny jokes in her diary, mostly racist, but you know how the Jews are. Kamala Harris says her favorite word is progression and her favorite sentence is life without parole for possession of me. Marijuana. You know that stuff that they throw into the fire at the beginning of every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? Yeah, I can get you an ounce for 120. At this point, is there really any celebrity that didn't die of COVID in 2020 other than George Floyd?

Wow. Real closer there. William Montgomery had nothing but had nothing but fire missiles throughout that. have nothing but respect for George Floyd. Yeah. Is that a George Floyd hat you're wearing? You could be speaking in Spanish right now. I don't understand you. It's got an F on it. Is that in honor of Floyd? George Floyd. George Floyd. That's what the F stands for? I love him. What do you love about him? That he didn't tap out when the cop's knee was on the back of his fucking neck. I respect

that about him. respect that about him. I don't think tapping out was an option. He had his hands cuffed behind his back. Well, that's hearsay. No, that's what happened. It's on video. I don't know if that's what happened.

It's like on Predator 1, when the guy was shaving in the jungle and accidentally broke his razor while shaving and blood came out. A lot of people compare the George Floyd murder to that. I've heard that. Yeah. Who are these people who are talking? talking about it and what is predator one it's a movie huh what's a moot are you Hispanic they had no

i'm 100% white they had movies in the 50s bill what's a movie when it started i'd be drunk a movie get them out of here well i've been drunk for the last 30 years yeah i believe it aren't you on a 12 step program i am now and that's why i'm asking what are these these things i didn't what are these things i'm in a 12 step program i've noticed i don't like to do this fucking I don't like you Bill relax I'm calling down Bill I like it when William gets fired up

Bill just take a breath I'm fired up I'm fired up I'm gonna call my sponsor I'll see you guys Will versus Bill Predator too Hey your eyes are better now last week You had some problems with your eyes what happened? Yeah you look much better

It is something called What are those things you put in your eyes That help you with red eyes? Eye drop whiskey Yeah I did eye drop Oh, wow. Really helped. Also helps with my diet.

Yeah, you drank that some of them? No, I'm eating salads now. Wow, what kind of salads? Pesto salad. Pesto salad. Keep your mouth shut. That's not funny. What do you mean pesto?

What do you mean pesto salad? Potato salad probably is what you meant. Potato salad. I'm eating potato salad. William, I've never heard you use that voice before. I do a potato salad. Is that your potato salad? I ain't potato salads.

Is that your impression of potato salad? I'm eating a potato salad. What else does that guy eat? I'm eating corn. Corn and potato salad? What's your main dish? I mean tortillas. Just tortillas?

What are you putting in? Just tortillas. What are you putting in? What corn. And what? Potato salad. And what else? Potatoes.

What do you mean what else? What are you drinking with it? Prune juice. Whoa. Big twist there at the end. If anyone watching us, especially people in Malaysia, if you all have tummy issues, drink prune juice. Ah, what does it do to you? Look right at that camera and tell them what the benefits of prune juice are.

You're the new spokesman for prune juice. Go right down the barrel. Slow zoom, Zach, and here we go. How's it going? My name is Philip Martinez. I am currently in Malaysia with all of y'all. Start drinking prune juice. It really helps with your tummy.

I've learned it from my father, Larry. It helps you do div. There you go. Perfect. That is some just high quality. That's for the smart fans right there. Tony, can I just say, I've never seen, I never ever get to see

this angle of the soundboard. Red Band has a program open called Tap and Fart. I've literally been looking at that app for seven and a half years. Everything else has changed and evolved over the years, but there's always been one entire program called Tap and Fart. And he always gives me the way of it like, just give it a second. Right.

I always have to like hold him back because he literally, once he opens the app. Hey, Red Band, is that what makes it funny? Okay, you're allowed one an episode, Red Bair. Hey, William, if you ever want to quit drinking, I'll give you my phone number. I'm in the program now and I've done it for about a year. Cool, what's your phone number?

Quit fucking talking to me. You guys seem to have a real bad chemistry. You can say that. You just remind me of who I used to be, Tony. I used to be this guy. Yeah. Now I look at you and I just feel, I feel sad. I feel pity.

Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Your face is fucking swollen. Don't ever talk me like that. It is almost Thanksgiving. It's already been. Thanks. Yeah.

Don't kick that fucking ass. Shut up. What are you doing? What are you doing for Thanksgiving, William? I am making. Yeah, what did you do for Thanksgiving? What did you do? So for Thanksgiving, I made a really good turkey.

I was really proud of it. I made stuffins. I made chicken and stuffins. How did you make it? What was their prep for the stuffins? It is cans of biscuits that you put in the crock pot along with cans of chicken. It's called chicken and stuffins.

It's a real big hit. During Thanksgiving, word to the wise, if you have an elder person you're cooking for that recently had a seizure, don't make chicken and stuffins. It's filled with salt. You're going to have

you're going to have you're going to have the ambulance there on Thanksgiving and not have a fun time perfect why didn't you all help me on that I thought y'all were going to help me on that

it felt like you were doing a jeopardy question where you said like we're going what is and then you kept talking and you're waiting for Alex Trebek and And I just want to give a shout out to the African-American man up there Who did the light down a little bit It was good, it actually looked great on Canada

Yeah, thank you so much What are you looking at up there, you piece of shit? No, don't insult the lighting guys Well, I like that because we don't the African-Americans I feel the same way about maybe we are closer than I thought Well, you're married to one Well, Starla is actually white Right here, this is my wife right here

Hey, so you did all that cooking for Thanksgiving yourself? I did a bunch of cooking. Huh. A whole bunch of cooking. How long did you cook the stuffing for? He did the cooking. Yeah, I did the cooking. Looks like he did most of the eating, too. What does that mean? I've lost 30 pounds in the past two weeks.

Really? How'd you do it? A thin, thin. What's that? It is a now-defunct diet pill, but I was able to find. some. Fen, fen, fin, fin. That's my Asian friend's name. My dad and my mom, I guess, in the 90s,

tried to sell diet cookies, and they invested, like, a lot of money into it. And my grandma had to, like, bail them out because they had so many diet cookies that they're trying to sell. Do they still have some of those? Can I get some? No, no, they're gone, no. A fun fact about Jeremiah's mother and fathers,

they were both there during the taping of his. special family reunion. What did they think, Jeremiah? What did they think about your German jokes? My German joke? I didn't have any particular German jokes that night, but I had jokes about them, and they were on each side of the stage,

which made it pretty awkward. Have you talked to your parents lately, William? I love your parents, by the way, William. My dad, I talked to Larry the other day. He said he texted you. He texted me? No, he texted a Jew. Jeremiah.

Yeah. We Instagram DMs sometimes. Wow. Look at that. Your dad's in my DMs, bro. He wished me a happy birthday. Does he ever send you some, like, you know, photos? He sends me nudies of William sometimes.

Just my little penis with the pink tip on my penis. He photoshopps William's baby penis onto his adult body. I was hoping he photoshopped it onto Herbie, the lovebug, the guard that talks. And then he puts his adult head on his beard. baby body and it's like really weird pictures that he says. It's just the black dude they use for all those COVID memes. Shut up. I just learned what. You messed up.

You know what? Enough episodes recently. I'm fucking tired of you, William. You need to get, we need to talk about this. You need to get into the program. You fucked up. William Montgomery and William Billingsley having a William off right now. A lot of a lot of anger. I chose my life. Shut up. At least

Starlet doesn't stab me with keys. I try. All right, William. Any anything else that we miss? Since last episode, what else? Anything else? I was in Tampa Bay, Florida this past week. Had a hell of a time. There you go.

Shout out to Tampa Bay, Florida. The new home of Tom Brady. Weiner Schnitzel. There you go. There he goes, everybody. The great William Montgomery, everyone. On to the next one we go. There goes William.

The show has begun. David Deary is here, as always, helping us out. Fresh off of a big trip to Yellow Springs with Dave Chappelle and Donnell Rawlings and the whole crew. David Deary out there in the big leagues using his Kill Tony producer credit to bolster an entire other career. Absolutely incredible.

I love it. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I pulled the name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Your first comedian. We're about to meet right now together. It goes by the name of Harry Garcia. Here we go.

Or Henry. Henry Garcia. Henry. Trucking And Henry Garcia, everybody, here he is. That's right.

Growing up in the hood was not easy. I would get punked every day on my way to school. And this is before I even left the house. Yeah. No, I even had the opportunity to join a team at the local park in the neighborhood.

But I was too scared to become a gang member. So I didn't make the tryouts, guys, okay? It's a little intimidating when the coach's name is Trigger, you know? Like Trigger had a tattoo of a skull on his face. And the skull had a tattoo of a tear underneath its eye. The tattoo had a tattoo, okay? It's gentrification has really done some things to the city, though. Like Trigger is now eating beyond meat taco.

You know what I mean? All right, guys, I'm Henry Garcia. Follow me at Henry Garcia comedy. There you go. A little plug at the end of his set. Just plugging it. Henry, welcome to the show. This is the first time you've been here, correct?

Yes. I think I would remember a cholo Kermit the Frog. Yeah. I didn't recognize him without the cranberry juice. Hey, there he is. That's you, right? You're the guy on the skateboard? Dogface.

That would be cool. Dude, I didn't know the seven dwarves were banging now, dude. Where you from, homie? Snow wide, homie, what's so, dog? Kind of looks like chubby Joel Hamez. Yeah, he does. Looks like Joel, like undergoing chemo or something like that. You have a little bit of a...

What part of Alhambra are you from? I'm from Echo Park. Echo Park. Before all you hipsters took over it. Dude, I can't even drive through there anymore. I get sad. Anyway, and this was in the 1950s. What am I talking about?

So glad to be sober. There was also cars in the 1950s, Joel. you could drive through things. Yeah, but. Yeah, we still don't have one. And why is that? Because you don't have a job anymore. I was in the fucking program.

So, Henry, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? You are an adorable little fucking thing, aren't you? You get told that a lot? You get told you you have a little fucking Benyman Button. Ticklish. No, no, no. I have not been told that a lot.

Thank you. I appreciate it. I've been doing comedy since January. January? Of this year. How's that been going for you? It's been interesting. I've been doing comedy throughout the pandemic.

It's funny is your hat doesn't go over your ears, but you seem to have such a tiny head. How do you get a hat that small? That is one of the tiniest little hats I've ever seen. It's actually a baby thimble. I got it at Baby Gap. Did. Fuck, yeah. How old are you?

I'm 36. What do you do for work? I'm an executive chef. Wow. An executive chef. Del Taco? Oh, right. Oh, I won't say, but it's,

do you ever tell girls you're an executive? What's up? Do you just say, like, yeah, I'm an executive and you leave the restaurant? Oh, yeah, no, my wife loves it when I tell I'm going to do. So this is a nice restaurant? Or is this one? It's not, it's, I work for a hospital. I'm an executive chef at a hospital.

Oh, you're the executive chef at a hospital? Yes. Oh, my goodness. Have you ever gotten anybody sick off of your cooking? Was someone dying from something else? No. No? No.

What do you make? What do you make? What do you? you specialize in? COVID-19. Well, I love fusing a lot of Spanish food with like California cuisine.

Like, I'm really into a farmer table. Stuff like that. Thank you, Bill. Thank you so much for the drum solo. My wife and my daughter are vegetarian, so I do a lot of vegetarian cooking with, you know. How long you've been married for?

Four years now. How many kids do you have? Just one. Just one. What race is your wife? She's Argentine. Oh, so white. Oh, geez.

Italian or German Italian or German Italian or German Italian or German? There you go Yeah How do you only have just one kid Because she immediately

Tied her tubes after pregnancy And I had a vasectomy About a year and a half later Fuck yeah dude Wait why do you need to do that You did double down So if some So if we actually have a baby

It's like the rise of the Antichrist or something Well her having her tubes tied You're not going to have a baby You just You don't necessarily. No, no, no. You cheat a lot. No, no, no.

You can still possibly have a baby with a tube side. How long did it take to get a vasectomy? I was in and out of there, like, within two hours. You did it at in and out? I didn't feel anything. It was... Really? Yeah.

Yeah. I know somebody that did it and filmed the whole thing, and he said he didn't even know it was finished, and it was like literally, like, three minutes or something like that. Did your balls hurt afterwards, Henry? No. It was, I mean, they felt a little kind of numb and heavy like i had like these big gorilla balls like they felt really heavy when you say gorilla balls

have you ever seen the balls of a gorilla uh i no only in my imagination they're like they seem really big you know what else have you seen of the gorilla in your imagination have you ever seen a weaner yeah and it's really hairy really what did you do with it i just stared at it for a long time how long how long did you stare at this girl i don't know time suspended i can't i put it in a beanie call it a date. That is. That's what that is, right? A real beanie.

That's a legit beanie. It's a, what would we call that, Bill? Chiquitito. All right. You're a... Spanish. I learned it from a guy on the program. Briholes.

How long... So you were born and raised in Echo Park. Yeah, I was born in Cedar Sinai, raised in Echo Park, and then Highland Park for a little bit, and then back to Echo Park. Damn, we're going to talk after this. Anyway, back to Bill. Yeah, you guys, this could be like a close relative to you, Joel. Henry, anything else crazy about you?

Have any special skills or talents? What else should we know about your entire life? Any fun facts about Henry Garcia? Your mom's a goat or something like that? No, no, I did, speaking of goats and coyotes. One interesting thing is I did manage to be a coyote once, and I got brought someone in from, I met someone, at the El Paso Order and drove them to their for money.

Wow. Look at you. Dude, you're so goofy. You're more like wily coyote. All right, Henry. Fun times, dude. Thanks for coming on. Thank you guys for having me.

Henry Garcia. All right. Okay. We're going to keep this moving fast. Thank you guys for having me. I'll be back. I love that. Thank you guys so much.

Your next comedian. This is us. meeting another human for the first time goes by the name of Rishi Sarah Swat. Here we go. Here's Rishi Sarah Swat. Rishi Sarah Swat, everyone. I was doing a little bit of traveling before this whole pandemic. You know, I miss traveling because I like going to airports.

You know, you get to see people from all different walks of life, different ethnicities. The last time I was the airport, I actually saw an all-death family. And they were having like a really intense signing conversation. You know, it kind of looked like they were lost. So I decided, okay, let me try and go help them out. As I got closer, I realized they actually weren't deaf. They were just Italian. And I knew they were Italian for sure because the mom had a black eye.

It's a dead giveaway. I think it's fucked up how America blames Mexicans for stealing all the jobs. Because that shit is not true. Asians and Indians are the ones stealing all the jobs and we're keeping our fucking mouths shut I got at least two cousins working the call centers right now

like you ever get that call on Tuesday afternoon hello my name is Cody I'm calling from Data Link it's like bro I know your name's not Cody shut the fuck up and I know your name's not Cody because no one has ever pronounced my name

quote whoa there's the bear there's the bear there's the bear I haven't heard that guy in a lot yeah he comes out if you go over your time Rishi Saraswat welcome to the show What ethnicity are you? Indian

Indian just straight up Indian Yep What part of India does your family come from They're from North India Okay yeah Represent North India Hell yeah big ups And your parents

Your parents live here in the United States of America The Greatest Country on planet Earth Indeed they do That's awesome what do they do My dad works in IT And my mom is like Stay at home Wow

That's so Indian You've heard of that So Raymond Is northern Northern is Punjabi Is that Punjabi? Yeah yeah Punjabi

Yeah there you go Oh wow You ever do a They're the Mexicans of India That's how I know Exactly Yeah You ever have a girl

Give you a Punjabi You know what that is You know what that is Yep Yeah you do You like it When they do that don't you Hell yeah

It's your favorite thing? One of them. I don't like shit in my ass like that big. What's your other favorite? What's your favorite? Tell your body. Red band. That's fun.

Dajer, you have a lot of brothers and sisters? Oh, one sister. Yeah, the Indian families keep it small. For an ethnicity that looks so much like Latinos, you would think they would have many babies as well. But nope, you guys keep it small, focus. You don't just go fucking. It's not just fucking.

Cream Pie Festival back here. What does your dad think of you doing stand-up comedy? Oh, he fucking hates me. Very disappointed than you. I am very, very disappointed in you. Isolate that clip, send it out into the internet. I raise you better than this. Jesus.

Spot on. What does he say exactly? He put you to college? Well, yeah. But, I mean, I went to community college, so, you know, it wasn't too hard on that. when the disappointment started. Yeah, exactly.

And I don't know. He thinks like I'm pretty much gay. Oh, really? I never see you with a wife, Rishi. Why does he think you're gay? I don't know. I told him like I'm out here in Hollywood chasing my dreams and he's just like...

Seems more like you're chasing menace. Yeah. What's gay about that? He just doesn't understand it. Chasing your dream is for Fragats Rishi. Straight men. Technically, that's an Asian accent. You're out there in Hollywood.

I don't know what you're doing. You know, we'll take you back to India. We'll wash you in your Ganga. Wash your sins. Do you ever think about hiring an Indian prostitute just to take home and make them happy for like a day? Be like,

I'm marrying this woman father. I've actually never seen an Indian prostitute, so I don't know. You haven't? No. Wow. I mean, I haven't been back to the motherland. And they put the dot on their chest.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a target. Hiring a prostitute to make your dad happy is like the funniest thing. Does your parents like stand-up comedy at all? Like are they into like Russell Peters or anything like that? Of course. Huge Russell Peters fans. Wait, India doesn't have a red dot district?

I mean, I feel like now they're kind of coming around to it. Like I've shown my parents stand-up and stuff. And like my mom is kind of on board with it. She likes Russell Peters. But my dad is still kind of just like. He doesn't understand it. He's like, get a real job. Do they like when they see, like, Aziz Ansari and, like, different people who are, like, in films and stuff?

No, they don't care. Indian people get proud when they're in a hospital and they see Indian daughters. They were really stoked about Kamala Harris. Why? Because she's Indian. Is she? Yeah. She's that kind of Indian?

She's not native. She's actually Indian. No, I think she's just got some Indian in her. No, she's half Jamaican half Indian. Is that what she is? Bo. Bo. Bo. Bo. B Biden. Bipa. All right. Wow.

I used to be in charge. I worked at this company and I was in charge of like 70 Indian guys, fresh off the boat. Wait, wait. You were in charge of 70 Indian guys? That's a sitcom right there. No, they made a movie exactly about what I did. It's like they would come into the country, and my job was to Americanize them. Like, no, this is how you. I like outsource.

This is how you make a fart noise. For that movie outsource. These are Japanese tits. For that movie outsource, 100% exactly the same thing. Terrible fucking movie. But it was weird because that's exactly what I did. I had to help them with job interviews and shit like that. And a couple of them got mad.

My sister also worked for me. And she had a cow print in her car, like a seat cover. And we had at this whole meeting because it really pissed off a lot of people. And it's like, we got to let you know that cows are a little different here. You're going to have to let that go, you know? Like, this is a good thing not to bring up at an interview and shit like that. Red band's eating a hamburger. I was like that.

Yeah, yeah. No, seriously. You can call this a meat ting. Red band is a lot about it. I'm not funny anymore. All right. Bill Billingsley. Thank you.

Wait, what is that? It's water, dude. H2 up. I don't know. After seeing William, I'm thinking maybe just a little taste. I don't know. Maybe just a little bit. It's a little taste.

Yeah. Let's just relax a little bit. How about that? Oh, he's got a blast. Just a little taste. I think it'll be all right. This is very exciting that this is a part of the... Breaking my sobriety for you.

I love this guy. Might as well as cut his mic now, Red Band. I mean, they brews this in Austin. It's great. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean, they take the cowship pretty seriously because there's like people who murder people in India for eating beef and shit.

It's kind of crazy. They murder people for. I know cows are sacred, but I didn't realize it was like murder. Yeah, I mean, it's like a small, like, sect of, like, people, but yeah, they do that shit. What do they do? They murder what?

They murder people for eating beef. Wow. They got a beef with it. That's a diet I could get behind. Yeah. Red band's always on an Indian diet because he goes to a new deli every week. That's good.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. That is a joke. That's a joke, everybody. So, Rishi, anything else crazy? We need to know about you before we let you go. Crazy about your life.

A fun fact about you. If Tony lived in India, he'd live in Mumbai. Okay. He'd be too scared to live in India. He'd be red chicken. All right. I don't know. There's a lot of crazy shit, man.

A lot of crazy shit. That's one of my favorite Tony thing. All right. All right. We're going to keep it moving along. They asked Tony if you wanted to move to India and he's like, None. All right.

I teach yoga. You have two children. I teach yoga. You teach yoga? No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know. There's a lot of crazy shit, man.

Like what do you want? Name one thing. I used to sell drugs. What kind of drugs? Okay. Thank you so much. Started with weed, you know. And then went to cocaine when I got out here.

Wow. And now what? What are you up to now? I work What are you selling now? Still sell some things Wow Look at this

The market is hot Everybody The block is hot Everyone grab your foeties And grab your showdies See me after the show I got you Oh you're okay

Yeah real recent Is India democracy I mean they say they are But you know They're hella corrupt It's kind of like Okay They're not a real democracy

Rishi I had so much fun talking with you. Come back, do it again soon, right? All right, cool. Rishi Sarah Swat, everybody. Here we go. I'm going to keep flying through this tonight. Flying through it, baby.

Wait, can I say one thing real quick? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what? Can I say one thing real quick? Are you going to plug something? Can I do that? What? Yeah, follow me on IG at R-E-S-H-510, R-E-S-H-510.

Jesus Christ, my God. Get the fuck out of here with that handle. Yeah. What was that? Yeah, I don't even need to like delete that or beep that out Because no one's going to be like, how do you spell that? Right. Well, we, I don't know.

Yeah, beep it out. We used to read the handles when we read the names. Yeah, but I mean, like, I know. But it's better when I do it. But it's just a different time. It's a different time. It's not part of the thing now. Right.

That's just how it goes. But yeah, follow him at Rishi 567 WG. WNBA. All right, another new person. Here we go. We're flying through it tonight. Your next comedian goes by the name of Adam Mockett. Here we go.

Adam Mockett. Here he is. Adam Mockett. Hey guys. I'm Adam. So you probably noticed when I walked up, I have a little bit of a gangster lean, throwing up some gang signs.

A little background about that when I was a baby. My mom took me to the doctors to get my vaccinations. And good news, they did work. I never got the measles. I never had whooped. coughing cough. I did get nerve damage to the whole right side of my body, but no diphtheria. I, you know, they have this vaccine for the coronavirus, which freaks me out more than the actual virus. Honestly, guys, I'm kind of grateful for COVID, because finally, people don't want to

shake hands. During the day, during the day, I work in the financial industry, and nothing says you can trust me with your money, like a hand, I have no control over. Because I have one hand, I can always tell my wife's really mad at me because she'll close things really tight. Toothpaste, pickle jars, her legs. She'll be like, if you can open it, you can have it. Thanks, guys. Great stuff. 60 seconds strong from Madam Market.

Coming in guns, blazing. Thank you. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he has a, uh, What would we call that? What we call that? The letter Z for an arm. Yeah, just, yeah. Yeah.

And you've had that your whole life? Yeah. After a vaccination? Is that true? How old were you called? A couple months old. Yeah. And your parents are like, give this kid a shot.

I don't want anything to ever happen to him. I asked my mom why she didn't sue because there was a big lawsuit about it. It was like back in the 80s. Yeah. Well, that'll cost you an arm and a leg. Yeah. Thank you. That's super rare, right?

That was a bad batch, I guess, you would call it? Yeah, I think that's pretty much what it was. And I know a lot of people. What wing at the hospital were you at? Well, definitely not the right wing. Yeah. Set him up, knock him down. And why didn't your mom sue?

Why didn't she go to the long arm of justice or something like this? She had five kids. I think she was just like... Four and a half, let's face it, right? Come on. Four and five ain't bad, I guess. I don't know. Yeah.

I love it. I love it. The other four kids, did they get vaccinated? So I'm the middle. So I have two. older sisters they did the two boys after me did not are you anti-vac now because of that are you in that train here's a thing like i'm not anti-vaccination i just think it's kind of crazy if there's a chance it could be a major side effect if it's mandatory it's kind of i don't know yeah yeah yeah but i think

you know out of all the bad things that have happened it's probably 99.999% good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the thing it's like here's a i think about like if your kid gets like majorly messed up or something, your next kid, you're like, no, I don't want to do it. Right. Did they put the shot in that arm? Is that the arm that they did? They actually put it in the lake,

but it's like brain damage, yeah. Honest question, is it hard to put on that bracelet? It's impossible to put it on. Oh my God. How long has it been on? It's like a handpuff. Yeah, yeah, I've had it.

Yeah, yeah, I've had it. Yeah. How many kids do you have? I have four daughters. Damn. Look at you. So that's another thing that happens. So the right testicle still works.

Look at that. That's what it is. My goodness. And what's your favorite sexual position? You're good at making babies out there. What's your movie? Like a froggy style? You know?

Captain Hook. Just a missionary kind of guy, you know? Really? Keep it sent to. I loved your delivery, by the way, how you kind of leaned in. You're like, and my wife's length. Thank you. I appreciate that.

I should say this is the fifth time. I've ever done stand-up comedy. Wow. So, yeah. So we're excited about it and appreciate it. Look at that. You write your jokes with your left hand? Yeah.

Awesome. I love it. Wait, yeah, that's a good quick. Can I ask that? Can I talk? Were you naturally left or right-handed? Did you have to learn to write with your left-hand? So I was a couple months old, so, you know, not sure.

But I'm the only one in the family that is left-handed. So probably. And I have dyslexia and things like that, so I feel like I'm... Have you ever used your right hand, like in a violent way towards anybody? Slash. Whoa. The claw. Oh, yeah.

Wow. Look at that. Oh, my, it's like a little cobra at all times. You just have a little cobra attached you. Wow. So video games completely out. You know, back when I played video games, it was good because one hand, like, little... Right.

You can play double of seven. It was super good. But as soon as they started getting two hands, I was out. Right. The financial industry. What are you doing it? Yeah, I built a pretty successful business. I have 175 license agents that work under me. What was so crazy is, so I started doing finance. And then, I don't know if you know what Craig Conan is, but I grew up with Craig. So he's one of my best friends. And we go to a comedy class, like the first day.

And he's like, let's go. You're one of the funniest guys I know. Let's go. I'm like, all right, let's go. And I went. It was super fun. I signed up. And that day, I found out that my wife was having our first kid. And I was like, oh, crap, I have to, like, figure this out. Like, I got to work. So I didn't do it. And I started doing finance. And so now I have four daughters.

And during COVID, I started getting really depressed and feeling like, man, like, what I got to, like, I don't know. I just feel like I'm just going to do it, now or never kind of thing. Wow, that's so fucking cool. Yeah. I love it. So fifth time up, all the other ones, open mics and stuff? Yeah, two times at Vicki's, one was on Zoom. like a Santa Monica school

or something right here. It's all been like in two weeks. That's fucking awesome. You wouldn't be able to tell, man. That was great. Thank you so much. And I found out about this show and like all they do

is watch your show now. It's so funny. So you're from the South Bay. Yeah. How did you know that? Because I know Craig is from South Bay. What part of South Bay are you from? Yeah, we down the Beach, Torrance.

Oh yeah. Shout out to the South Bay. There you go. Shoutouts to the South Bay. Yeah. Do you surf or anything like that, anything wild? You know, I got one.

hand some more of a boogie boarder. Ah, I got it. The whole getting up things. You're right. Yeah, balance. You'd be good at kites. You ever think about throwing that in like a, what do you do? Like, you ever throw it in like a sling or anything like that?

We've tried, I tried surgery. When I was a kid, they did a surgery where they tried to switch this muscle with this muscle to kind of try to pull it up and did nothing. Oh, God, they tried. You went through a whole surgery and they weren't able to do it. If you thought about just putting a rod, like, straight through it, like some type of like doll or something? being like, hello.

Honestly, I just feel like maybe eventually things are going to get scientifically ready and they'll fix it. I don't know. Honestly, like whatever, maybe who I am, you know, a lot of perseverance, patience. Have you ever thought of becoming a professional coat rack? Hey, that's a great idea. That's a good hook. My lady, is your jacket, madame.

Adam, thank you so much for coming on this show. Come back again soon. There goes Adam Mockett, everybody. I'm on my back. I fell. Help. The great Jeremiah Walkins here, family reunion. December 8, available everywhere.

Jeremiah Watkins.com. All right. Another bucket pool. Here we go. Make some noise for Nick Reese. Here comes Nick Reese. Here he is. Nick Reese.

So I got a girlfriend with an OnlyFans account. And I hear a lot of, like, controversial statements. Like, guys, like, like, ah, I can. never do that. I would never let my girl do that and, you know, whatever. But for those you don't know it, by the way, only fans is for the porn industry what private security is to cops. I know that because both, you know, the porn industry and the cops were like, no, nah, but both only fans and private security were like, are you 18 and about it? Welcome aboard. but I recently

I actually didn't almost didn't make it today have you guys ever got roadhead so good you got lost that's real shit but I love only fans because you can go in there I found a loophole and basically for like their percentage cut of like 4% I've been buying myself blowjobs recently and that's pretty awesome because you can just go in there

make a separate account and then I just subscribe to my girlfriend and then just act like an anonymous stranger and for you know only fans is 499 I can request a blowjob video and I you may recognize me from my role as the penis there you go Nickeries wow two bear night look at that girlfriend I wanted that bear so bad girlfriend on only fans huh that's that true what's her address Frankie chaotic wow look at that There's a hard plug there. I've never seen red band move faster. Yeah.

Frank. He broke a sweat. Everything slowed down. I've also never seen him spell better. Chaotic. I know it was going to happen. I know it was going to have support my comedy career and let's get this PS5 together, boys on YouTube. All right.

Relax. Jesus Christ. So what does she do on this thing? Basically porn. Really? I mean. Did they? ever ask for a guy to do things with her and you do it with her?

Yeah, yeah, I'm the penis. Yeah, I'm the penis. Whoa. Dude, I'll subscribe to your only fans, dude. Only hams, dude. Does she ever do things on the only fans that she won't let you just do on your own? Like in your private life? Okay.

That's Frankie chaotic, ha, ha, ha, cah, cah, ah, abity, opity,ty, apaddy, opity,ty, apity. Yeah, she's nice, nice tattoos. I'm proud of myself. Redband is already following. subscribe. I know. There we go. What happened?

Let's see this. The table's moving up. Yeah. Red band loves hot Franks. So, wow, what's the wildest thing? Anybody's requested you to do? A dude requested poop shit recently.

Wait, what do you mean poop shit? Does that mean no shit at all? That's a double shit of it. No, he asked for like a video of her like pooping on the floor. Poop shit is what we call red band stand-up material. Poo shit. How much was this guy willing to pay to watch your girlfriend take a poop on the floor? He said,

hmm, might be worth it to $700. Oh my God. He went $700. Did she do it? The weird of the request, I mean, the higher the prize,

basically. So she did it then. No, he hasn't done it yet, but I can tell he's like, he keeps messaging about it. It's funny. Like,

she tells me about the messages. Red band, I know. No, but I know a lot about this. Like there's a, There's people like say like porn stars. They'll get hired usually for like escorting or something like that.

But there's some people that are into shit where they'll just be like, I'll rent you the hotel room. Just go in there. Take a shit. Don't flush it. And then I'll come in after you. And then they just like play with it and eat it. Oh my God. I don't know if you've ever stayed at a comfort in, but every room at the comfort in has shit waiting in the toilet.

Is it weird for you the first time that you saw the, the upload of you having sex with your girlfriend on her only fans? Does that make sense? Like, is it weird for you to see? So it's like, kind of, not really. So it's like the, basically it's like, I don't know, Red Man, just subscribe right now or not, but like. He went, he went to the quick Google to see if there's any free.

I went to the free. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there's not. Anyway, but so, no, I mean, like, it's like more or less, like her stuff is like, you know, a bunch of like sexy. the outfits and stuff like that. And then if people want to see more, it's like send extra.

Yeah, send extra on this one. It's like a strip club, basically. I know a lot of people making a lot of money from it. You know? Honestly, the reason, she sold me. About 10 people, but one of the girls I know is making

over $100,000 a month on it. Whoa. Yeah. Oh my God. She sold me on it because a friend of she. That's a lot of poops on the floor. Dude, Jamar Neighbors has an only. fans and it's just a picture of his bare foot

and he's like yeah one guy tip me like $7 one time $70? $7. Wow, $7. Yeah, I mean it's more it's kind of like a strip club like there's like a door fee to get in and see stuff and then it's like if you want like more you got to like tip for that basically. My goodness you guys have kids no no are you going to? Not if I have anything to say about it. Wow. What if someone pays like a lot of money to see that.

Yeah. Great question. I would need it all like up front and like. All right. 30 grand. I want to raise your kid. How much would it cost? Let's talk actual numbers here.

I know a guy in finance. Whatever the, whatever like the entire cost, like I would never want to even think about that kid. 100,000 bucks. You would do it in a heartbeat, right? You're rich.

Like $100,000 for a kid. Tony's not paying you. Yeah, I'm not doing it. This is high. hypothetical. This isn't some type of indecent proposal. No, no. No, I'm saying. $100,000

for you to make a baby with your wife. You show me all the videos. I get all the links. I'll buy the hotel room. You just have the baby. Leave it there. I'll be coming afterwards. Leave it in the toilet. Redband will raise it.

What else, Nick? What else is going on in the world? Well, like, one of the big selling points that she kind of sold me on and on was like a aside from like a personal friend of hers making like a ridiculous amount of money through it and like What's her specialty? What's the friend's specialty? She recently changed her name, but it's she has a Affiliation with Nintendo and her brand. Oh shit. Damn

And and she knows her personally and she's killing it financially on only fans and stuff like that and Nintendo Fist. What is she Yoshi? She? She's like Pokemon stuff. But she got like sued and stuff so she's like changing her. Oh, she got sued? Yeah, Nintendo hit her with the big fan. Damn. I think I know you're tough.

Yeah, yeah. So wait, are you not? Nintendo's like, you better switch what you're doing. Switch it up. Are you? So if she was she got sued because of the name, not because she was dressing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just because of her name. Gotcha.

Like, yeah, like that all happened. But she was making like ridiculous. She just bought like a fucking charger with like a custom bunch of accessories. Was it an ice cream paint job? Yeah. Ice cream paint job. My lady sold me on that like both on the money aspect of it and saying that she would support my comedy career and

that like three ways with other chicks for content. Hey I got a tip for you. I used to be in the same situation but you know like when they want to buy the underwear you just go to like Kmart and buy like that bag of 10 pairs of girls underwear and stuff and they want her to like rub it on their junk to make it like a used underwear, just rubbing on your balls and stuff like that and send them out. They love it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I do it. But yeah, yeah, no. We're a, we're a Polly couple. So it's like. A Polly couple. What's that mean? Dude, that means they're fans of Polly Shore, bro. Yeah. They like Biodome, bro, and son-in-law.

Yeah, what does that mean? What does that mean? What does the Polly shit mean? So, like, in Simple, we're looking, we're always looking for, like, other females like fuck around with she's by dude same here I'm looking for new females bro yeah how's that working out for you guys yeah it's been pretty cool

you're able to get other females over there yeah yeah or any of them hotter than your wife not really no no right like she's definitely like the attraction I like tattoos and pierce I just like all the extra

why are you into that why are you into that your mom is very Christian very pure yeah yeah Right. That's how it works. It's all psychology. So now you want something different because you don't respect your mother. You don't respect your mother. Say it into the microphone.

I do not respect my mother. Okay, we're going to send her that for a mother's day. We're going to send her that gift with your dick. We got history. Yeah, we're going to cut it in between some only fans things. It's going to start with that. I actually recently told my mom that I did that. Oh, how does she react?

She's not a only fan. Yeah, I mean, she's not subscribed or anything, but I mean, yeah. That would be weird if she's a supportive mom. She's like, I follow anything my son does. Who do you think is willing to pay $700 for just a poop? All right, Nick. Well, you did it again, buddy. Fun times.

Have a great day. Nick Reese, everybody. There he goes. On to the next one. Ricky, what is it? Frankie Chaotic on Only fans. See, that's a plug. Yes.

F-R-A-N-K-I-I. Did she buy you those Nike's? Wow. Look at that. Look at that. My goodness. Not only does he fuck like a black guy. He spends his money like one too.

Absolutely incredible. Straight to the Nikes with his government-issued stimulus check. Good job, Nick. Where do you live again? Hemet. Hemet, baby. Frightening, frightening place. Shut up.

That's it. That's it. Thank you, Nick. No one asks any other fucking quack. Everybody wants to, everybody wants to, Everybody wants to add their fucking 10 cents. Yes, William. Williams.

Williams' timing was the best. Yeah. To per die okey? Yeah, what are you going to do there? Okay. Wow. That was literally just 10 cents. I think you need 25 cents to get the rest of the story.

Bye, William. Bye, William. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. I was so excited about it that I pulled it out while Nick was still at the microphone. But I did it. I saw this guy on a street corner the other day and I said, holy shit, that's Dan Nolan. I rolled down the window. I go, Dan Nolan, he turned around.

It was Dan Nolan. He said, Tony. I go, what's up? He goes, not much. I go, want to do the show on Monday? He said, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, one of our favorite joke writers and comedians ever on this show. The great Dan Nolan.

Here he is. Thank you. I used to be a professional studio audience member. That's like a real job that you can have in Los Angeles. Basically, all you do is you stand outside of CBS Studios for four hours, and then a guy with a ponytail pays you $60 to watch the Steve Harvey show. Or just like a Steve Harvey show. There's like 15 different Steve Harvey shows.

Steve Harvey literally has so many TV shows they have to pay people to watch them. And it's not a bad job if you're just like a struggling act. comedian or a crazy homeless person. My favorite one to watch was Little Big Shots. If you've never seen the show before, basically the idea is they have these little kids that are as smart as little kids can be. And then there's Steve Harvey who is as dumb as an adult can be. And the entire show is just about their struggle for dominance. He just bullies the kids the whole time.

He'll just ask them like, hey, little Big Shot, what's your talent? And the little kid will just be like, I know about computers. and he'll just be like, yeah, but you ain't never get no pussy. All right, thanks, buddy. Dan Nolan. It's back, everyone. Welcome, Dan.

Hey, good to be here. It's so weird. I saw you on the fucking down by the grove. I love it. Yep. Yep, no doubt about it. Just pulled up, rolled down my window, booked you.

Yeah, I was meeting a hinge date, so I was just walking. I was wandering back and forth on that corner. What's hinge? It's like, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, Tinder, but they like ask you stupid little prompts and stuff. It's like it's like a better version of Tinder. I thought it was like you have to be friends with somebody that's friends with that

person. No, that's Ray. I actually just interviewed for a job there. Yeah. That's like the fan. It's like Tinder for like influencers. Yeah. Semi famous people.

Yeah. Jamar just got an account. Oh, I bet he's stoked. Just a picture of his foot. Yeah. Huh. So, uh, so what made you join Hinge? Uh, it's just less gross.

Rimey than Tinder. Tender is like retarded. It's just full of bots and like spam and shit. But Hinge, you have to like put work into a profile. And they just ask you stupid questions. How'd that date go for you that night? It was good. Yeah. That was like her second or third date.

Wow. Yeah. All right. Have you heard about the ex-heroine dating app called syringe? Surringe. I think you'd be great on it. Dan Nolan is a recovered heroin addict. It is.

Part of his incredible story. How's the pandemic been treating you? Good. I'm resetting the sobriety clock. I got addicted to cratum. Oh, wow. You can't get addicted to cratom. That's not possible.

That's one of the... Are they sponsored? Yeah, that's impossible. It's non-addictive. It's really good for you. Never mind. We'll cut that out. One of the studies said it's not addictive.

What is that? Do you have Samania? My goodness. What did it make you do? Yeah, let's talk about it. What, Kratum? I just, like, I started, I hired a personal trainer and he was beating the shit out of me. And then I, it's just a pain color.

It's just heroin. Just gay heroin. Yeah. Gay heroin. Yeah. Oh, man to that. I started listening to a lot of corn. I went down a dark road.

Yeah, you're taking some weird, like, workout. Yeah, I'm doing, like, testosterone and some other shit. Yeah, some orleans and, uh... Wait, what? What? Why? What? I'm doing, I'm doing hormone replacement therapy.

Why? Just to be more of a man I'm transitioning to a man You're transitioning to more of a man? Yeah, right Who's advising you in this? I have a doctor And he's said that he's doing this.

Why? You need to be more of a man I have low testosterone. What? I have low testosterone, so I started taking injections I'm like five months into it now. You're a drug addict, Dan.

You've got one hit of that testosterone. Can I say like that low testosterone thing that's such a weird thing because I've always thought I had very, very low and when I got my numbers done they're like most people don't have low testosterone they have slightly lower than

normal but you're fine so did you have like slightly lower or were you like no this is this is like I'm almost a woman no I was like yeah I was at 400 which is the bottom of like the average range so it goes like 400 to 1200 they were like you're ovulating

My goodness. I don't know how to tell you this, but you just started your period. How long have you been taking testosterone for? Like five months. Five months. Has it affected your body? Sorry, Donnie. Yeah, it started.

Testicles are smaller. Yeah, my balls, yeah, I'm infertile. And sometimes you get very angry? No, no, that's more like a royd rage thing. No, I just have a lot more energy. Which is testosterone. That's what steroids are. Right?

No. No? No? All right. Is it HGH that you're on? No, I'm on Samoralin, which is human growth hormone, releasing hormone, H-G-R-H. Okay. Yeah.

So it just makes my brain, it's dangerous to take... I think you need to take... It's dangerous to take what? H-G-H, because in your body, if you take it, like, from an outside source, your body eventually stops producing it. I think you need to talk to H-G-H-H-R and really get on top of this. This is really difficult. So how much longer do you have to take these treatments for the rest of my life? What?

The rest of your life. It's expensive. Yeah. No, I found a place that's cheaper now. So I was spending a lot of money out. If you stop taking it, what did they say will happen to you? I'll start.

Hey, Dan, Nolan again. Have you been lifting weights? Yeah. Hello, everybody. Flex for us. Let's see these muscles. What happened to a... You do look way bigger, dude.

Like, way bigger. Yeah, I'm just, I'm like, bulkier. I have to, I'm still, I have to cut down is going to be like that. You can't do it all at the same time. You have to bulk and then cut? Yeah. Yeah. Since you've been taking this, have your porn searches changed at all?

No. Good question. Good question. Are you into a butcher your women now? No. I mean, I always wanted to fuck like a fitness model, like a, like a jacked chick. I don't know. Didn't have any of those on hinge?

I'm into beef jerky porn now. You know, see-saw. I like a hard pussy. I like seeing girls squirt in a sawmill. What else, Dan, other than testosterone treatments, what else you've been doing last few weeks? Bought a Mustang. Wow. That's your first car, right?

I thought you were going to say bought a mustache. I'm on mustache replacement therapy. I'll do anything to be a man. You never had a car your whole entire life? No, I had a car like years and years ago. I don't believe you got a Mustang. All this treatment to become a man, you get such a bitch car. It's incredible.

I watch a lot of Tim Allen on repeat now in my house. What kind of Mustang did you get? It's 2007. I was going to buy like an old one and like finance it and shit, but then I was like there's no power steering. So I just bought a used one cash. Yeah, I'm not to start trying to power steering. Well, if it doesn't have power steering, that makes you more of a man. Right.

You have to grow up every single. Maybe in a couple years, Jeremy. Wow, Dan. So you're sticking with a girl from Hinge? Is that your move? We're hanging out. It's been fun. It's been like a week or whatever.

What do you like about her? I don't know. She's cute. She's got a nice little body and stuff. I got a note on my door today for fucking too loud. No way. What did the notes say? They phrased it very politely.

They didn't say you're fucking too loud. See, I got a note on my front door. You know what I keep? I keep it on the front door. I let everybody say that. Yeah. I had the same kind of note once, and they said, like, oh, you know, we have kids.

Did they just kind of, like, raise over it? Yeah. Excuse me, sir. We heard you going to the bathroom last night. I got a note on my back door. All right, Dan. The note is just addressed. Dear Mr. Hulk Hogan.

We heard a lot of brothers last night. Yeah, brother. Wow. That's just incredible. How has sex changed since the testosterone treatment? That's good. That's why I started taking it because I was never horny anymore. I could get boners all the time, but I didn't care. Wow. That's weird.

Yeah. Wait, you would get boners all the time? Yeah, I had no problem getting boners. I feel like you just quoted a radio head lyric. It blew my mind. I got boners all the time, but it didn't care. Wow. My God.

So what would you do with a boner? Nothing. You wouldn't care. I just wouldn't care. Like, I don't know. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for like two years and my, I just stopped caring about sex. Yeah, about two years. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if it was, I don't think, I don't know. I don't know if it was that. I really think it was just like low testosterone and plus I was taking the crate of which fucks your your dick up and stuff. It does? Wait. It just, it makes you.

Oh, no, it doesn't. No, it's great. Or whatever our sponsor is. You don't say, Gratim. Billing Zhe said, you ever tried to crate cum? That's a good book.

Craigcom. Okay, okay. Dan, uh, so much fun. Thank you so much. Have a great day. Dan Nolan, Dan Nolan, everybody. Dan Nolan comedy on everything, right?

Social media, follow him. Tell him how much you love him. He's a legend. An absolute monster. In fact, speaking of monsters, There's only one guy I know that could possibly even begin to follow that act, and he's coming up next.

How absolutely perfect is that? This guy became a regular and absolutely took the show over by Storm, an unbelievable force, truly one of my favorite comedians on the planet, originally from beautiful New York, then became a god of improv comedy at Second City in Chicago, and now graces us with his presence and a new minute every single week. It's the legend killer himself. Michael Lair, everyone.

Wow. In the flush coming in dizzy tonight. Here he is. Michael Laird. Women have been responsible for every wonderful thing that is ever happening in me. And may have I been an asshole.

I must have someone died of me. my dick. I've lied and cheated to every woman I've ever dating. But

all those women ended up marrying better men after me. So everything happens for reasons.

even my life are cheating. Now, women of the world have been rejoicing that my legs gave out. Since I've been crippled, I've retained my handsomeness and smart mouth, but I'm stuck in one spot. So I've been hitting the mouth by many women many times. But I'm here to let you know. Come on, Cheka. I ain't the one thing.

There you go. Michael Lair. Putting a little bat signal out there for all the ladies out there. Look at that. using kill Tony as his own personal hinge. One could say this is Hingecliff's notes. Yeah, man. You're just trying to keep a raw dog and dirty, you know?

Is that your style, dude? I'll tell you this, you have a better right arm than one of the comedians that was up here earlier. Really? Yeah. Why? Was it Steve Lee? No, it was a different... He's behind you.

He's waving at you right now. He's got one of those E.T. L. you know? Yep. Yeah, it's sort of like that. Remember those old antennas that used to be on the house that we're all like... He had rabbit ears. Yep. He has rabbit ears for an arm.

Oh, man. I bet he can get a handicapped parking pass on that. You can only get a left handicapped. Yeah. But the left spot is usually not occupying. That's right, Michael. Yeah. Welcome back to the show,

the great Michael Lair. Thank you. A few things. Go right ahead. Nick talked about his life and his girlfriend. Equincidentally right before the film, his girlfriend, her laser covering in tattoos,

like a tattoo museum. And I'm like, Nick, I don't want to be in the program. You know, we're friends. And you can say no. And I'm talking to his girlfriend, too. But I'm like, can I use your legs as costumes for a photo or video shoot? And I think it's going to happen.

Wow. Wow. Look at that. You booked her. I'm gonna wear her legs like her shirt Is one of them Well, 750 bucks And I'm pretty sure you can get her to shit on your kitchen floor

Yeah Yeah, man I'm not in the Scatological B-Bob Scat the dude Whoa Uh-oh He's overheating the system's overheating He's into a different kind of scat

Yeah, sure, so good Johnny number five Whoa Go. Yeah. Come on, man. Let's free flow. What else was going on?

Oh, the last guy. Yeah. Him calling Crainum, gay heroin, is maybe one of the best jokes of the year. That was brilliant. I love it. And I've been on Creanum.

I've been addicted. to every drunk. But Kratum is not addiction. Yes, it works off the Opeer Pursamers. But it's safe and getting over it is like getting over

quitting coffee. But it's really fun and you can definitely fuck on Kratom. Yeah, that's what I think. I mean, I know a lot of people that use Kratos. and it's great.

It's a natural remedy for... Quitting coffee sounds like hell, by the way. I can't imagine that. I thought when you're selling Kratem, like when you're looking at the camera, you're like, yes, it's non-habit forming. Yes, it has a lot of health supplements. Yes, it gave me ALS.

Yes. Who cares? Yeah. No, I think traumatic head injury gave me an illness. Dramatic head injury? Yeah, I think. So I've been scanned every way up and out, but after I die, I wanted them that cut open my brain. And I better have an NFL disease.

What do you think happen? How did you get these brain injuries? I've been banging my head around real hard since I was like for use. So, I'm a extremist. Right. adrenaline, a stimuli maniac. Right. You feel me?

Yeah. And so when I go for it, I go hard. That's right. Even when I was a toddler, there was no half-stepping. And that means you bang your head into the dry wall real hard a lot. Yeah.

But also, I've been being in several times. You've been beaten up. You've been beaten unconscious. Several times. Two concussion or just being a black down. So there are things with the brain that are a mystery. Like my disease, it's 150 years old. And the only medicine they have is sitting.

and I'll fine with that but look I bet when it comes down to it they're going to find that I just rocked out my cock out

two on and it's all good what do you think about tonight's episode Michael there well I don't know about anything that happened in the past. I live in the moment and I deal with

the future in pragmatic ways. So this cripple motherfucker who will never work again, who loves comedy, who doesn't not have any fucks to give, he's coming to Orson. Mother fire!

Wow! What an incredible reveal. Michael Lair announcing his move to Austin. This guy is mobile and ready to go. It's about a 28-day wheelchair ride to Austin, Texas,

and he's about to take it. I need people's houses. I'm about to recharge my chair. That's right. He's going to need. need to stop in Alhambra. Burbank. A lot of places.

So he's going to have a little snail trail out there, leaving his mark on the beautiful road. Hopefully there's some sidewalks on the way to Austin. Fucking, put me in the trunk, give me in the microphone, and tell me where you want. What's a fucking funny. Wow. There you go. He's going to be performing exclusively inside the trunk of a car.

Michaellair Comedy.com for everything Michael Lair. Thank you so much, Michael Lair. You're the best, buddy. There you goes. Let's look at tonight's drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt. Every single print available, Ryan J.E.Belt.com.

Wow. Look at that one. Bill Billingsley with an extra large bottle of liquor. I feel like that was definitely drawn in the moment. Look at me. Jeremiah, the jet ski. Red band? What a drawing. Ryan Jeebelt.com. He's doing a bunch of auctions, other things, fun times.

Guys, this is it. December 8th, the debut special of Jeremiah Watkins. Family Reunion. Jeremiah Watkins. Molded and folded here on Kiltoni, your very own band leader. You Keltony fans have to support Jeremiah. Go to Amazon.com or Jeremiah Watkins.com. Anywhere you want to go. Watch family reunion. Jeremiah, what else? If you like this sax hat, you can get that at Jeremiah Watkins.com, too. Sax hat. Sax hat.

I want to thank Tony and Brian for always being supportive of me on this show and supporting stand-up endeavors and taking me on the road to a lot of places where I formed this material over the years and stuff like that. And just like there's a lot of fun crowdwork moments and stuff like that. I developed those chops, like being around these guys. So I'm very grateful to Tony and Brian. So thank you guys. Jeremiah Walkins, giving credit where it rightfully deserves.

Thank you, buddy. You're a good friend. Thank you. How about a big hand for the Jetsky Jesse Johnson, everyone, getting us through it. Absolutely powerful. She has handmade ornaments available atetskyjohnson.com. What else, Jesse? Thank you so much.

Check out Jeremiah special. It's awesome playing the band with him. Yeah, he took us on the road for the weekend. He's amazing. Check him out. He's hilarious. You'll get your money's worth. There you go. Get it. December 8, family reunion. Who else?

Oh, the great Joel Berg-Jolomellis was with us all the night. You guys, I mean, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I love all of you. I mean, it's like, this is awesome. This is family. I love Jeremiah. I'm so happy that he's got a special coming out soon. And, you know, we get crazy here. The comedy story is a hub for psychopaths and all the miscreants,

and it's the island of misfit toys, and I just so happen to be one of them. So, you know, I get crazy. Here we are. Jerup, here we go. Here's Tony laughing at me. It's all good. It's all right. This is the first time we laughed at me.

I love you guys. Any sort of craziness that I get into is not against my friends. I'm just trying to have a good time. I love you guys. Thank you for letting me have. Okay, all right. Red Band. Hey, guys, check out deskwad. TV.

Don't forget to check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman, who might be moving to Texas. We'll see what happens there. And Brothers Incursive. Check that out, Desquod. com. Go to cratum.com, baby. Absolutely. Support our sponsors that you heard earlier on in the episode.

And don't forget, Jeremiah Watkins, family reunion. Jeremiah? Just one more thing. Starting out here at the comedy store, Tony Hinchcliffe and Benji of Flala were the first to put me on Hotluck all the time and Brian Redband was the first person to book me on his death squad shows out of the ice house

so they helped me get in here at the store so thank you once again guys. There you go, thank you so much. Congratulations, buddy. Congratulations, Jeremiah. We're very proud of you. Good night, everybody. We'll see you next week.