KILL TONY - KILL TONY #486

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

Stephen Kramer Glickman, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/14/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Chuck out our website, Death Squad.TV. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, video portions to the show, and you could also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's Death Squad.tv. Tony has his own website. Go to Tony Hinchcliff.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch.

That's Tony Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the Hinchcliff.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books. Go to Ryan J.Ebelt.com and pick up some cool killtony stuff. And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is ShopSquod. TV. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left.

That's at Shop Squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the World Famous Comedy Store main room for one more time. Here's Tony Hitchcliffe. Yo! Here we are again. Back home at the World Famous Comedy Store. So excited. Christmas coming up, Red Band, what's happening?

Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. That's what they say. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. To you. Yep.

Here we are again. So excited to be here at the World. famous comedy store. This is such an incredible, incredible place. Yes. So, let's just jump right into it. I'm so happy to be here, guys. And you know who else is happy to be here?

The great Ryan J.E. Belt, everyone. Look at this fucking stud. There it is. Wow. He leaned deep into that wave and smile this time. He's already started drawing tonight's episode. He draws every episode, including tonight's, and they're all available at Ryanjeebelt.com. Big, famous, cool tour posters from the past.

and any one of your favorite episodes featuring all of your favorite comedians. Ryan J.Ebalt.com to get those prints. You know who else is here, Red Band? You know who else? Charlie from Vito's Pizza is here, keeping us fed, having fun, kicking butt. Gino from Speedweed, Better Box Studios is here.

It's a star-studded fucking, just like the old days. Remember the old days when we used to have fucking Nate Diaz and Gary Clark Jr. and fucking Obama's daughter and all these people were here. to see Kill Tony. Anyway, we're having fun, though. We're plowing through it.

Nothing depressing about having nine people in a room built for 603. It's perfect. The acoustics, you know? It's about the acoustics, is what they say. The fucking acoustics. But I'm excited to be here, and we're going to have a lot of fun. But before tonight's episode gets fully fucking going,

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And if you use promo code Kill Tony, you will get 20% off. Once more, that's Infinite CBD.com and promo code Kill Tony, all one word, for 20% off. And we're back. You guys excited to be here tonight, guys? Jesus Christ. My goodness, we're trying our best. We're getting through it. I'm pumped about it.

guys we have a guest this week very very exciting stuff this guy a comedy store employee when i got here when i started next thing you know he's uh he's shrek on broadway he has his own show on nicolodean big time rush one of the stars of it and uh it's just uh overall great comedian great guy one of our good friends ladies and gentlemen it's the great stephen glickman wow very exciting here he is This is one big boy, the great Stephen Glickman. Likeable, likable, lovable, the host of the Nighttime Show podcast, one of the incredible voices of one of my favorite animated movies I've ever watched, The Monster Hunter.

It hasn't come out yet, but God bless you. You mean storks. That's what I'm saying about, storks. Storks. Storks. I get them all confused. I get a long confused. All the children movies

get you confused. How's it going, Steven? Oh, I'm fine. I'm happy to be here. This is nice. You've been a guest on the show numerous times, so I won't bore you with any of the particulars. But you do remember there's a band here, right?

I do, and I love a band. Every single week they commit to being different characters. Sometimes it's the return to some of their famous characters. We never know what they're going to be. We're all going to find out what they are together right now. Let's do it. I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band.

Jeremiah Walkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Jetsky, Jesse Johnson, and Chroma Chris, maybe? Nope, no Chroma Chris. Uh-oh. Jeremiah, Joel, and Jetsky, the big three Jays. A lot of Jays. Whoa, we've seen these guys before. If there was a crowd here, they would be going crazy because they are the cat burglars tonight. Whoa, look at that one over there.

sneaky little devil. Oh my goodness. Oh, she's actually part cat, it seems. Wow. She's more cat than burglar. That's an interesting twist. My goodness. Gracious.

Jeremiah really banking on you using that camera one angle. It's too dark to even see him. Oh, he's going everywhere. Look at this. Uh-oh. What does that look like? Whoa, that's a good one. Wow, you nailed it on that one.

Very good. Jeremiah Walkins, Catbagler. They have arrived some of the most famous Kiltony characters in the history. I believe they were even in the famous band calendar. Right? What month were you? December.

I'm sorry. It slips my memory, Tony. Catvaglan. Wow. Welcome back. cat burglar, famously a cat burglar, an old-timey burglar that would sneak into places and hope to get

away. Thanks to the... Steel jewels, diamonds, and women's hearts. Oh my God. I've been taking the underwear, dude. Is it supposed to be the heart? And then is your name cat burglar too back there? I always forget. You guys are just cat burglars? This is one of the I know for a fact. It's the first time we've seen this young lady be a cat burglar, I do believe.

It seems like she is more cat than actual burglars. You have actual qualities of a cat. Yeah, I'm sorry. Add something in my throat. It's great to be here. That's another. And your name's just cat burglar as well?

Tony, we keep getting caught because of her. She keeps leaves strands of hair everywhere. That is one and that is two and I am catbeckler. I swear to God, I just wrote down cat burglar three times. It's part of my sister. We are very different people, Tony. Or are we? Wow.

Look at that. It's so exciting. We have the cat burglar's and the hamburglers are here. Oh, goddammit. We have Glickman, Red Band, and the Cat Burglars. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? All right. That sounds good enough.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to start tonight's episode with a goddamn legend. One of my favorite human beings in the world. One of my favorite comedians, New York, Chicago, L.A. Zone. The great Michael L.A. everybody. No. before I was a comedian or a magician or rapper or a karaoke, I was a musical theater, Somersunk, Thespian. And as 2020 comes to an end,

I want to go back to my room. and play a little game for fun to start off this show on a silly note. Brian, there are names of 50 musicals in this bag. I bring them, Tony will pull out a musical, and I have to sing a song from that musical when you think I've done enough pick a new one if I don't know it I'll pass

Do you have a Tony Award Glickman? Glickman, do you have a Tony Award? No, I do not. But you play Shrek on Broadway? Well, yes. It's a long story. It's a terrible show.

I'm sorry. It does not deserve a Tony Award. That is sort of a tough question to open up with somebody. Like, I mean, there's other ways you could have asked that. Do you have a Tony Award? It would be like a lot of the people you ask that, too, they're going to say no. No, but Bryce, Darnan, Campbell, whatever the fucking name is. I see what you're doing.

If you pass, you're going to give it to Glickman. Yeah. Oh, you know your musicals, don't you? I do. Whoa, how exciting. All right. You didn't even know Glickman was going to be the guest, and you had a musical thing. The universe makes all this shit happen.

Wow. You're a special guy, Michael. Yeah, he really is. He's pretty special. Thank you, Glickman. Wait, wait a second. Those are my altoids. What are you doing with those?

Catbegler. Oh, come on. I love my altoids. Oh, cat burglar. Ruined forever. I'm excited about this. You guys ready to play some musical theater fucking super challenge with Michael Lair? This is exciting.

Christmas right around the corner. Here we go. All right. You want me to pull a name out? All right. Here we go. All right. The Whiz.

Easton down. the road he's not down he's on down the road now there may be time

when you wish you when you hang All right hair Um Let the

sunshine It Let the sunshine And The Sunshining The

The It's The It's The It's The It's

The a happy song. How about company? The ladies too much. The ladies too much. Nickman, can you do better?

That was great. Yeah, that's impressive. He's passing it off to you. You know the words? I don't know the words to that song, but I know the music. I bet he knows something about this. Jersey Boys. You know Jersey Boys. I know you know Jersey mics. Blake, man.

Come on. Hey. Pass. Jersey boys, pass. Pass. Oh, pass to you. Uh-oh. God damn it.

Somebody won't. Oh, red band. That was great. Wow. It sounded just like him. That was great. That was great. One of my favorite red band moments in history of the show.

That was great. You know anything from Jersey boys? I think it's that If you're going to do it, you better commit. Won't you come out tonight? Come, come, come, come out tonight. Come, Sheriff.

Jerip, I has been waiting to sing this for you. Nice job. Oh, pretty God. All right. We're moving on. Porky and the bees, Michael Lair. Porgy and the bees. Porky and bees.

Oh, I'm sorry, Porky and Bass. Oh, for Christ. I don't know what the fuck that is. You uneducated. Porgie and Bass. Okay. He knows Porky and Bass. Porky and Bass is an old man river.

That old man. River. That's Porky and Bass. Tony Award. You won a Tony. You want a me. I want a you.

All right. How about bye-bye Bertie? I'm a worse than me and ride out in my hair. I'm a worse than me. That's South Pacific, you son of a bitch. Fuck you, dude. Glickman doesn't know bye-bye birdie,

but he does know I'm, I'm hungry. Bye-bye, Bernie, bye-bye. How about Avita? Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is that I would never say you. This is what it's come to. The Argentina.

How about my fair lady? Every Duke and Earl and Peer is here. Everyone who should be here is here. What a dashing positive thing. Scott opening day. Michael has the incredible talent of making every song. sound like the same song. How about cabaret?

Oh, life is the cabaret. How about Tommy? Tommy. Tim War Wizard Day has been king. Phantom of the opera. Oh, no, nighttime shopping, heart-tinting sensation. This is so amazing. silently this answers

Jesus Christ Superstar Oh Um Um Um Oh What was this

during the crucifixion? Oh. You think you are a big time Mr. King Joseph Dreamcoat

Um I hear this did drum sing the song they sing in men you know you got it wrong I hear the voice

of the yellow bird singing in the this is quite absurd oh no not me okay rent yeah nailed it um let's open up a restaurant come and knock on my door

ha ha ha ha ha he's oh my god God's spell. We're just going to go through all these. How many do you think we should go through all these? Okay, nobody wants it.

You're right. What's that Jesus song from God's Bible? Praise. Praise. Oh, Jesus. How about music, man? If you know any of these, you should just jump right in. Yeah.

A music man, it's easy. Gary in the end, Gary in the end. Gary in the, Gary in the. A ball home, sweet home. Wizard of Oz. If I only had brain, I would boil the hours coming with the flower.

Cats, cats. Memories. All the noon in the moonlight. Le Miz. Master of the house. house, keep her the inn. He's got him, man. He's got him. I'm over

the sugar and the spicer of the... South Pacific. I was that man right out of my air. There you go. There you go. Company. We're at the company. Ladies who's

Cafe. I who have nothing. Greece. No. Every song starts with that one um note A good Akeler on the roof

Fiddler on the roof Um Um Um There's a fiddler on the Wait that's not a song That's not a song from it What are you got a guy

If I were a wristband There we go I'm the Fiddler on the roof. West Side Story. A beautiful boy. Chorus line. I go with me. Guys and dolls.

I got a horse right here. His name is Paul Revere. Damn Yankees. He's near to you. Near to you. Annie. It's a hard night flight. For us,

Miss Saigon. And tonight there will be Miss Saigon. Tonight will be your concubine. That was amazing. Absolutely incredible. That's everything. The whole bag. The whole bag.

He's going to sleep like a baby tonight. She's going to sleep like a baby tonight. I'm telling you, I guarantee you there's one Kill Tony fan that is just such a weird cry. He's a Kill Tony fan and a musical theater fan, and he has been waiting for a segment like this. He fingered his ass the whole time during that thing.

And check on my patron for the prostate level. Wow, look at that. I didn't know that was a thing. Is that true? How do you know so much about musical theater? I have two theater degrees. Wow. Before I did any of this shit,

did all that shit. Wow. Yeah, I'm old as fuck. I mean, I do remember the time that you beat Jeremiah in an acting competition. That was incredible. Yeah, I remember that. We all remember that very clearly. I remember that, yes.

But that was so fun. What a beautiful coincidence. And that really went better than I thought. And what a fun with the home in the show. You're goddamn right. You're the best. May I say one thing. Of course.

I'm wearing my own merch. Guess where I bought it? The Hollywood Goodwill. No way. I swear to God. You were at a goodwill and you found your merch? Another comic didn't and I rushed over there and I bought it. And whoever bought this and whatever I did to you, I am not sorry.

but I have a sales record for every fucking thing I saw so I will find you and thank you for buying a $40 shirt yeah Michael I'm sorry to interrupt you when did those go on sale when did you start selling those hoodies I thought he made discounts in yeah that's the point

less than a year ago. What size is that one? It's like a small, medium. Yeah. But someone was in fanning me and then I alienated them in the last nine months and they threw me in the trash.

I like how he just slowly turned into John Malkovich right there. I mean, that's just so warm. That's just so wild. I don't understand how that happens. I guess they could have gotten the wrong size maybe, but it almost seems like someone like got it as a gift for someone and like misheard what the person said.

Tony, you know. Like I'm a big Michael Bearer fan or something like that. Is there a Michael Bearer? No. After George Floyd was murdered, I spoke him and I pissed off a lot of people and a lot of people burned my merch up. Somebody just was a big no doubt fan

And they thought it was from the band No Doubt And they were like, what the fuck? That's not Gwen Yeah That's not just a girl The comic found it at Goodwill And made you go over there to buy it They couldn't just buy it from the Goodwill

And give it to you Fuck, who's this idiot? Well That's your first time Glickman, it's your first time Seeing the great Michael Lairr experience Yeah, it's pretty

amazing. Yeah, I have seen you on Nicolonia. I know we've run into a restaurant somewhere. Yeah. It's probably a restaurant. It's probably. A musical theater. Well, Michael, so much

fun. What a great way to get the show started. Thank you so much. How about a big hand for the great Michael there, everybody? Great job. Great job. First comedian performing tonight goes by the name of Kylie Vincent. Here we go. What a lovely song. Here's Kylie Vincent. A whole more time for Kylie Vincent. You guys can clap people that are in the room if you want. When my boyfriend and I fight,

we usually have makeup sex. And then after makeup sex, we have makeup sex because I choke them too hard. Abortion's a big topic. Stevie Nix even waited on the argument. She's like, hey, without my abortion, you guys wouldn't have had Fleetwood Mac, which I think is a bad argument for other women because it's like, okay, without an abortion, I wouldn't be performing in parking lots. I've actually never had an abortion. I just, uh, waiting for the right baby. I was reading about Bill Cosby, and it seems a form of his sexual harassment were having women read him bedtime stories and feed him meals. And I was like, God, that's awful. just rape me instead, you know.

I don't want to read you, Good Night Moon. You can just fist me. Jesus. All right, thanks. There it is. 55 seconds from Kylie Vincent. I'm over here, sitting at the desk, drowning in little cards

with musical theater titles on them. Just covered over here. Kylie Vincent, you've been on this show before, correct? I was kicked out last time. Oh, you were. under 21. Yeah, I was 20 at the time. Wow. That's right. I'm back, baby. That's right. Now you're 21. When was your birthday? November 3rd. Congratulations. Perfect timing before. And remind us what we found out about you last time you were on the show. I have an autoimmune disease. What's the autoimmune disease? It's called

sacred iliadis. And what does that mean again? It's just in my back. It's eroding. What? Her back is pretty much deteriorating. Yeah, he remembers. Do you have to wear a back brace? No, I don't actually know what's going to happen. But I had to be on injections. Like, have you guys ever seen commercials for Humera? Yes, sure.

Yeah, I was on that. It's like made out of like rat shit. Really? Yeah. Catch it or ratchet? Man. Ratchit. Oh.

Yeah. Ratchet. So close. That's bad shit that they would make medicine with ratchet. Yeah. How long were you on it for? I was on it for a year and a half. If you're only supposed to be on it for like two years,

and I guess they don't really know much about autoimmune disease. They're like, you could go on remission. I have no idea of what's happening. Right. Have you talked about that in your... Yeah, I have a bit about it. What are you doing now? I'm a nanny.

That's my day job. Man, that is backbreaking work. Okay, dokey. How old's the kid that you're nannying for? She's six. Six. Just one. kid?

Just one six-year-old? Yeah, she's perfect. Really? Yeah, it's a good day. They just took me to Hawaii. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome.

I know. I feel like a dick complaining about a day job. Have you ever been to Catalina Island? Oh my goodness. Oh, my God. That is a cat burglar reference. Catalina Island. I actually have, then.

Have you ever been to the cat skills? I have not. Oh, okay. Well. Hey, one question. So you mentioned choking your boyfriend as part of a joke, right? And so do you really do that?

Yeah. Do you really get fisted? No. Jesus, did she even say that? That's all I've been thinking about all the time. I know, I know a girl that gets fisted. Really? How do you know? She just told, she told me one night, she was drunk. It was like her whole thing. Were you fucking her at the time?

No, no, she just. Her whole thing gets fisted. It's literally her favorite thing. Hold on a second. And she pulls it out with different guys. Hold on a second. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. So where were you when she told you about this?

We were sitting at my kitchen table drinking. Just the two of you? Just the two of us. Just the two of you and you're two big fists. Just the two of us. With my two big fists. Hold on a second. So you're at nighttime, your table.

You're not hooking up with this chick. No. You're drinking with her. She was my dog sitter. Oh, I bet she was. Yeah. She sat on your dog. It went up her ass.

And then she just starts. But the thing. But she said it very nonchalantly, similar to the choking thing, where they just, because I've been in a relationship for nine years. I'm single now. Right. And then you're talking about the fist thing. And then I hear someone go, oh, yeah, no big deal.

I get fisted sometimes. And then I heard someone else go, oh, yeah, I love getting choked when I'm getting fucked. I was like, those are both things I never heard about 10 years ago. Glickman looks like. But they're very normal now. I used to say same thing girl who loved to be fisted I dated and she had to teach me how to do the spiral hand thing Like you can't just put your fist in you have to like go like this and then get it in and go Oh my gosh

It's a cone shape? What kind of monster have you been with? It's a cone shape. Yeah, you have to twist and then jazz hand twist it? Say you just put a boxing glove on your dick I think it's always been normal people just haven't been talking about it. Yeah, sure sure and there was always like a water line on your arm where you could see how far you got in there.

Oh, wow, really? Yeah. Okay. Redband already knew out of fist because it's just like reaching into a vending machine. The old last pringle in the can. All right. Learning so much. So you didn't end up hooking up.

Don't you think she was hinting to you to try something? It was a pass. You guys are drinking at your kitchen table. The girl's just like, man, I love to be fisted, which means I love. Everything else in the world. Just waiting for you to make a move. Could you grab me a Sierra Fist out of the fridge? I mean Sierra Mist.

A Sierra Fist. Mark that off on your Kill Tony Bingo Cards. The Kill Tony Band Calendar, 2021. Blow the dust off the Sierra Fist portion of your bingo card. I've been slimed. Wow. Kylie, you're one of those guests that is so good at us, all being able to just have fun with each other while you're up here, you know?

You really bring it around. You spread the energy. I know. I'm like, I wrote that for you guys. What's a crazy fun fact about you that we haven't found out yet that people would find interesting about the life of Kylie Vincent? Oh, I have a disabled dog. She's in a wheelchair. Your dog is in a wheelchair?

Well, they say dogs are like their owners. You're bad back. You guys are both going to be. I know I get it. It made it better to explain the sadness. How many times a day do you take your dog on a roll? Sometimes I bring her to work with me How's her?

Bring her to work with you? Yeah, the kid just told me the other day She's like, I'm so jealous I think you love her more than you love me And I was like This wheelchair dog, yeah How's her musical theater knowledge? We could do a whole show here

Why is your dog in a wheelchair? She's a rescue from Mexico She was hit by a car when she was a puppy Wow, what was she trying to do? Do you illegally cross the border? Yeah, I think so. But actually the second day I had her, she got hit by another car. What?

A dog's stupid. Yeah. I trusted her. She's a rapper in the dog world. Why do I feel like this dog sounds like Stevo? Jump in front of a car. Anyway. Hi, I'm her dog and I'm going to jump in front of a car.

Whoa, I'm in a wheelchair. I didn't even know you could do a stevo pressure. I thought you were setting him up. I was. I'm kidding. Have you ever cracked your back? Can you do that? Are you scared to do that?

I don't know. I've never gone to a chiropractor. I'm just nervous that. No, don't do that right now. Don't do that here. Oh, no. That's what Steveo does when he gets older. He just goes to his like doctor's appointments.

Hi, I'm Steve out and I gotta get some insulin because I have diabetes. So, Kylie, do you ever let your, is your dog ever been in position since then to get hit by a car? Does it ever run out? What type of options does it have in a wheelchair? Well, does it poop and pee in the chair? No, it's from a cost to me back. It's from a company that designs it. It's like the only one in the United States.

But everything else works. Like, she can go to the bathroom fine. Your dog's definitely not autoimmune. Because it's been hit by cars. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. No getting immune to the autos, indeed.

My goodness. What's the dog's name? Bam! Her name's Bonnie. Oh, wow. Look at that. Frogger. What kind of dog is?

Frogger. What kind of... So good. What kind of dog is Bonnie? Dogger. Oh my God, there's so many noises right now. She's a Jack Russell-Tier mixed. I don't know.

So that was an episode of Jack Russell. Mixed with asphalt. Yeah. Oh, my God. She's 80% front end. This is so great. This is the first time in over seven years that we've had a person talk about their dog in a wheelchair.

These are fresh jokes. Oh, man. I mean, yeah, people think that on the streets that I'm probably the only person with the disabled dog. They say really weird things. Like, you know, I just won't be. Michael Laird just said, hold of my beer. Yeah. I just, like, won't be making eye contact with them.

And they'll just be like, oh, what happened? I'm so sorry. And I just have to, like, go into the whole story. Do you ever say he was a bad boy? Yeah, like I beat her. He has downs on his luck syndrome. Oh, my God. She's part greyhound.

I mean, she was hit by a grayout. Oh. Wait. That was incredible. I heard of dog there. Wow. So how does it go to the bathroom? It's, everything's normal.

Was it sitting in the chair or is it like? No, it's like. The way I picture this dog in a wheelchair It's very depressing It's not like a normal It's sitting on its butt and it wheeling itself around Arr RRR R R R R R R

No it's not like a person wheelchair It's like a It's like a scooter It's like helps them And does it sleep in the wheelchair as well? No she kind of like squirms around I bet she does This poor thing wishes it was put down

years ago Oh, dude. She's so happy. Really? You never see her with suicidal tendencies. Like she's never done anything like, say, run in front of a car. Twice. Twice?

This dog wanted to kill itself before it was confined to a wheelchair. For a suicidal dog. Its favorite true toy is a gun in the mouth. All right, Kylie. So much fun. Thank you so much. There goes Kylie Vincent, everyone. On to the next one.

Oh, so good. Oh, my God. Dog in a wheelchair. Can we get more people with dogs and wheelchairs? All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Kate Kennedy, everyone. Here comes Kay Kennedy. Do believe this is her debut here on Tiltonie. Kate Kennedy.

Oh, this is embarrassing. My dog also is disabled and is too stupid to learn how to use the wheelchair. I don't know if you've ever tried to teach a dog how to use a wheelchair, but there's a learning curve. I used to do hardcore pornography. it wasn't degrading enough for me, so I gotten to stand-up instead. I have lied to every single therapist I've ever had to make them like me more,

which some people have pointed out is maybe not the best way to achieve your goals in therapy, but not if your goal is to win. I'm just tired of pretending like it would have been absolutely fine on Jeffrey Epstein's Island. I've done so much worse for so much less, and I didn't even get to go to the beach.

I had to go to Canton, Ohio. And I know that people get really bent about human trafficking, but let me just say, it's not that bad. I get that it's a crime, but nobody ships kids in wardrobe boxes. They do make you fly economy on Spear Airlines, so it kind of sucks still, but it's not that bad. Do you guys think Salman Reschew was mad that he had to write the entire satanic verses in order to get a fatwa declared against him when all Mia Khalifa had to do with suck dick and a hijab?

I would be mad about that. Kate Kennedy, everybody. Welcome to the show, Kate. Kennedy. There you go. Kate, how long have you been on stand-up comedy? It's your first time on the show, right? It is my first time of a show.

It'll be two years in April, I think. There you go. Two years. All of it here in L.A. All of it here in L.A. This is the first place I ever did stand up right here. And a former hardcore porn star. Former.

I know. I just got nominated for my last award for the year. What was it? Best Gang Bang. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. How many people were in the gang bang? Only three, which I didn't think qualifies as a full game.

Three other. There were three guys in you. Yeah. That's like a Wednesday. They were Cholos, though. They were Catholic priests and I was a schoolgirl. Did you say Catholic priests? Catholic priests, yes.

I said the Our Father in Latin while they came on my face. Really? Dude, who else could do that? I deserved the award. Yeah, and it sounds like you're about to get a Tony award. Hey, purf, p, pyrr, pyrr. Wow. Is that true or are you just being funny?

No, that's absolutely true. They were priests and you were a Catholic school girl, and that got nominated for an award? No, no. Patriot, Fiat, Santa. Holy shit. That's actually the plot of cats. What's happening? What was that look at Jeremiah? I'm just looking at Jeremiah, get hard.

What are you talking about? You are disgusting. Jeremiah loves Catholicism. Wow. So what are some... Catholicism, yes. I mean, if that's the scene that you're getting nominated for an award for, I have to ask, what is your most, like, your most, like, silly or embarrassing or weird or fun thing that you've done?

Parity. Did you do a good parody? I do. I got nominated for Best Parity last year. What was that one? I was like Archie Comics. It was Betty. I was Betty.

Now you're about to earn a Red Band Award. Okay. Also, what does your acceptance speech sound like? I don't have to go this year because it's canceled. It's the only award ceremony where they don't thank their mom and their dad. I want to think my mom and dad. And God is not mentioned anywhere. Right.

What are those award ceremonies? It's literally the, world's biggest circle jerk. Like quite literally. I don't know. Have you ever watched a girl cry in the hallway because she didn't win best anal scene? Like it's a trophy for getting fucked in the ass. And she's just outside crying. I just always stand outside in the hallway during the awards because I don't like to sit. And so I just stand there and wait

for them to come out and cry. That's incredible. When the porn stars cry, do they like rub their eyes really hard and it just squirts out everywhere or once? It's pediolite. It smells like strawberries. That is true. This is what I've heard is that porn stars drink Pedialite for squirting. Have you ever done that? I have, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

What haven't you done? It's a really good question. I got waterboarded one time. That was fun. Wow. What? That's incredible. It's great.

You got waterboarded and Glickman got what a burger. On the way here. What was... What? I'm so sorry. I apologize to everyone in the stand-up community. What did you just say?

What did you say? What did you say? Go ahead, go ahead. I said on the way here. Right. On the way here. But then what did you say after that? And I just apologized to everybody for the worst joke.

No, it was unbelievable. We don't even have Waterburger here. That's not believable at all. Oh, your lunch is here. Wait a second. How is this humanly possible? All right, we got our new sponsor, Waterburger. Thank you so much

What All right What was your question? Go ahead Do you talk about the porn work in your act? Yes I do I try to address it

But not lean on it Because I don't want it to be a stick But I do like to introduce it That's like what I'm mostly known for So I like to address it Get it out of the way And would you say about Canton, Ohio? Yeah, I used to have a sugar daddy

I lived in Canton, Ohio Yeah, go through that That's awesome. Canton, by the way. He broke up with me this year. He got a dog and he doesn't need my companionship anymore. Poor dog. I know. But like, I just feel like buddy.

You know that dog does anal for sure. It's a shit zoo. If you replace this with a dog. That dog's going to be in a wheelchair. I just feel like he's way less fun to do cocaine with. Like, that's my opinion. What did you have to do as part of having a sugar daddy? Do literally nothing.

It was the best job ever. Other than what? You must have had to do something. You had to talk with him? Yeah, he'd just like to hang out with me and drink scotch and do a bunch of Coke and go to strip club. And then he would give me money to get my own strippers. It was great. Wow.

It was the best. I would just go hang out in Ohio for a weekend and I would fly. That's also how I flew home with $20,000 in cash wearing a pink, fluffy, juicy Couture sweatsuit through the Cleveland Airport. Christ. Yeah, dude, that's white privilege right there. What is the most you are allowed to fly with? Like 10, 5, 10. Yeah, no, you're not.

It was like tucked like in books. I was so nervous. Wow. Yeah. Wow. How much have you flown with a cat burglar? Yeah, you're a professional jewel piece. Where's my camera?

Me again. How many water bottles is that? Inside joke. We had actually had Kate on the Brian Holtzman's show. It was an awesome episode. She's also been on your mom's house with Tom Seguer and Christina Pizzyzzyzzi. She's very funny. You have your own podcast that you do.

And her topic of her podcast is brilliant. You know, so many people come up to me and go. I've never seen Red Band speak so highly of someone before. No, she's very funny. But so many people tell me, like, I got this new idea for a podcast. And I'm always like, okay, yeah, yeah, I'm sure that's going to work. You know, but her... Yeah, I remember you said this to me after?

Because I told you what it was, and you said that to me on Dead Air. And then I went home and called my mom and I was like, Brian Redband thinks my podcast idea is good. What is it again? What is it? It's called the Kennedy assassination, and I interview men from the internet that don't like me about what they don't like about me.

Like the people that leave mean comments on Pornhub. What a fucking great idea. It's like talking to your trolls, like trying to get to the bottom of it type of shit. It's really fun. You learn a lot about people. It's been on a little bit of a hiatus. It turns out I'm not quite as controversial as I hoped I was.

Do you not like the elasticity of my anus hole? What is it? It's literally, and I didn't want to see this. But I just won an award for fisting this year. Let me ask you this, Kate Kennedy. You've been in the porn. You were in the porn business for a while. We've heard of a lot of the wild stuff that you've done.

What do you think is the most wholesome thing about you? What's the best quality? Oh, my best quality. The thing about you. Oh, geez. That's not something I'm used to talking about. I know. Like my go-to dating myth is to just instantly tell people every terrible thing I've ever done.

I also have a disabled dog. She only has three. Like, she was born that way. She wasn't hit by a car. She was just $20 cheaper than the dogs with all of them. That's true. She was $20 cheaper.

People never ask that. She was only born with three legs? Yeah, she's very inbred. Oh, my God. What kind of dog? She's a German short-haired pointer. She's pretty much the poster. She's in-bred?

Wow, Glickman's in-bred every morning. Oh, God damn it. Right into the pantry. Thank you. That dog weighs 50 pounds. She's porn bread. He's cornbread. That dog weighs 50 pounds and I carry it up and down three flights of stairs.

That's what Glickman says when he meets a girl. He goes, I really want to get in her pantries. Wow. I haven't gotten to do, I haven't had a good fat guy to make fun of in forever. I'm so happy to hear. Anytime you want to do that. They always want to start crying and be a baby about it. Yeah, Redband is just on Cloud 9 right now.

I don't think you heard the rest of it. I always go, the other ones are all big babies. This fucking one. All right, Kate. Well, how much longer does your three-legged dog have to live, do you think? She's almost five. She's really healthy. She just had surgery in April, but she's doing good.

So, you know, she seems like she's doing good. Again, she can't use the wheelchair. Are you doing dating, Tinder, Bumble, any of those? Sounds like that I have on my phone. Plenty of Snats.com. I got kicked off Tinder a couple years ago, and they block your IP when you get kicked off of Tinder. Yeah, you can't really. rejoin. They just send you a really mean email. That's why you need a good VPN, like ExpressVPN.

That's right. And you can get it right now by going to ExpressVPN.com and using the promo code Kill Tony. Yeah. You could be in Japan. All right. There goes Kate Kennedy, everybody. Great job. You're seeing you, Kate. On to the next one we go. Heck yeah. Speaking of wrecking balls, how about one more time for Kate Kennedy, everybody, Rick? All right. Your next comedian goes by the name. I know this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Andy Lowe. Here we go with Andy Lowe.

There he is. What's up, guys? How you doing? Here he is, Andy Lowe. How's it going? Right up the bat, let me just get this out of the way because I know what's the first thing you guys are going to talk about. I know I look like Weird Al,

but sort of like if Weird Al was campaigning to be like the mayor of a tent city. You know? So, I know. Don't bring it up. You know, I was making a vision board recently. I heard one of the things to do during the quarantine to boost your spirits is make a vision board. So I went online and I looked up, you know, my wildest dreams, the craziest things I could think of, and I saved all the images, and I hung a bulletin board on the wall.

And then I went to print out the pictures, and my printer was out of ink. And so I just have a blank bulletin board on the wall. And I'm, you know, I'm just going to die. lonely and unsuccessful now, obviously. My name's Andy Lowe. We mentioned this. I really don't like my last name, Lowe. I think it's kind of, I don't know, it's kind of boring. I miss the times when our last name was like what you did for a living.

You know, it meant something. Baker, Carpenter, Dickinson, you know. It was a better time. All right, thanks, guys. Andy Lowe, everybody. Put your hands together for Andy. I know, Andy. comedy, Andy, because very rarely do I get a chance to hear myself breathing. And when you're performing, I always notice, like, I can literally hear myself.

So what's it like being an older woman starting stand-up comedy? Oh, it's fun. You know, it's different. I've got a big path ahead of me. I've obviously got a lot of chances. All right, Andy. So let's talk about it. Is this your first time on the show?

Yeah, yeah. There you are. Charismatic guy, super likable. How old are you? 28. 28 years old. Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta, Georgia.

Atlanta, Georgia. A lot of people in Atlanta have bangs? No, no, I'm about the only one. Wow. How long have you been in L.A.? About three years. Been doing comedy about a year. Right, right.

What have you been doing here for three years? This and that. I got a degree in graphic design. I do graphic design work. That's how you make a living? Great. Yeah, that's awesome. You have a look to you?

What part of town do you live in? Long Beach. Oh, Long Beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long was your drive here today? Like 30 minutes. Yeah, no traffic on the 55 or anything like that. That's cool.

So you do graphic design. Tell us more about you. What would we find interesting about you? Okay. You know, basically what you see is what you get, you know. Have you ever sent a photo too weird out? No, no, no. What you see is what you get?

What do you mean by that? What do we get? My whole personality is the hair. So, you know. I'm trying to find out, I'm trying to dig deeper than that. I know you just fresh out of a head and shoulders commercial, but I'm trying to see what else do you do? What are, like, hobbies or fun things that you do? I run an open mic.

I've run an open mic. Okay. All right. One in the park? Yeah, we do. Cool. So, like, what did you do today? You woke up what time?

That's interesting, actually, because I didn't think I was going to be on tonight. I was told last night I was too white. I don't know what you're talking about. None of this matters. Let's stick with the question. You woke up this morning at what time? Probably 2. PM?

Yeah, maybe. Wow, okay. Red band claps for that. That's good. Nice and early. Okay, so do you usually wake up at 2 p.m? Yeah. What time did you go to bed last night?

I know, three or four. What were you doing to keep you up that late? I was here last night and, you know, just keep going home, drinking, keep drinking. drink at home? What do you drink at home? Jen? Whatever you got? Yeah. No, whatever you got, it's your home. Yeah.

The fuck are you talking about? What do you think I'm buying you a drink right now? Jesus, Andy. Okay. Have you ever gotten that your hair is spiraled like an American girl, though? I have, yeah. What time were you drinking until last night? Three or four? No, you know. No, I don't know. This is my go-toe.

I say, um. You know. You were buying Tony. You've been there. Probably too. Yeah, he's like, whatever you got. I mean, you were there. You were in bed with me.

You were holding my Hennessy. So, okay. What were you doing when you were drinking? Were you drinking with someone? Yeah, my girlfriend, Anna. Oh, okay. Yep, the girlfriend. All right.

What does she do? You met her. She actually just got laid off yesterday. She was in bed with us. I laid off yesterday. Oh, that's so sad. That's happening right now. All the friends that were surviving the pandemic.

are all losing their jobs. All the waiters and the restaurants. Very, very sad. Bands. Bands. Oh my God. Wow. Did you start doing stand-up after the wizard gave you courage?

Yes, I did? Wow. Cats beg. My goodness. So where did you meet the girl? You were there, Tony. Last night. No, in college, Savannah, Georgia.

Okay, college in Savannah, Georgia. All right, and where were you when you first saw her? Remember that moment? I think somebody showed me her nudes. Somebody else would bang out. I was like, interesting. What? Wow.

Do you have those news on you? No, no, not those exact ones. Yeah, he's going to the airdrop. Do you have other ones on you? Yeah, so we'll talk after. Jesus, you guys are creepy. Do you have any news of yourself? Tony needs them.

So some guy shows you nudes of her And you're like, wow, she's hot And he was banging her Was it your friend? Yeah Right Were they just hooking up regularly? Was it a one-night stand?

What was this thing with her? Yeah, it was a one-night stand, I'm pretty sure. That's what they told you, huh? That's what I was told, yeah. So I was promised, actually. Ooh, promised. For someone that runs a mic, you sure hold the mic really far away from your mouth.

Yeah, you got to keep it right next to it. So, wow, how long have you been together now? You met in college. Now you're a 53-year-old woman trying to figure it out. Marriage is legal now for you, too.

Working 9-25. All right. My goodness, Andy. What else, buddy? What are your parents like? One owns a bank. You know, well, my dad's dead, but my mom is really disappointed about this Trump loss. Is that true?

She's a Trump supporter? Yeah. My goodness. Wow. She still lives in what, Georgia? Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no.

Actually, she just moved to Hilton Head last year. Oh, Hilton. Oh, Hilton. Oh, Hilton. South Carolina. Beautiful Hilton. Mughey. My goodness.

Wow. She's living the life. What'd she do? She found a new man. No, her man retired. Her man retired. Oh, they both moved to Hilton Head, is what you're saying. My goodness.

I wonder what Trump would say if he could speak to her mother about these elections. The American dream is dead. That's right. He's very angry. He's very angry. I don't know if he... We have losers.

We have losers. We have people that don't have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain. Nobody can do that like me. That was very good. Wow. That was incredible red band.

So Andy, come on. Hit us with one more super fun fact about you. There has to be something. Because you look, there's no way you look this interesting and possibly can be this fucking boring. I can't brag. I don't know. You look like a...

Bragg. Bragg, motherfucker. He can hold the mic farther away from his mouth and anybody and not remember to do it ever. You look like a ghost from the hit series. Are you afraid of the dark? You look like if the Kathy comic Fuck the Garfield

That is true. It is a very cartoony look. It is interesting. Have you ever had short hair? Have you ever tried to mix it up? Yeah, no. I had a true. Okay, here's the interesting thing.

You look like girl skakle. I had a, I love her. Oh, yeah. I had a traumatic brain injury a couple years ago. You did? Yeah.

Oh, that makes so much sense. Here we go. You used to probably have so many fun hobbies. Oh, I just so much interesting. Yeah, yeah. And I woke up from a coma, I'm strapped to a hospital bed and 50 staples in my head. How did you get put in a coma?

Medically induced. Wow. They just did it for me. What did they do? They played your comedy set for you. Out for days. Wow. Incredible.

Gotcha. All right. Well, Andy, fun times, man. Hey, enjoy your time in Texas. I'm going to miss you guys, right? Texed us. There you go. Thank you so much.

Andy Lowe, everybody. There you go. Andy Love. All right. We're just going to squeeze in someone very special to us right now. He is a regular on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, with David Lucas out of commission here on this lovely day, probably back next week or something like that.

I present to you the great The Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Here we go. Shut those. song off. I'm dizzy as a motherfucker. I'm on Xanax. You told me to say that, you piece of shit.

I'm kidding. It's a joke. Why'd you tell me to say that? It's not working. If I had my own touchdown dance, I'd act like I heard a ticking

noise. Inside of the ball and then start freaking out and telling everyone there's a bomb inside of the ball and then run up into the stands and into the press box and say over the PA that there's a bomb inside of the football and the referees refused to stop the game and then I tell my family I love them and then I died playing the game that I loved. Wow. No, I have Red Band. This is the final kill Tony.

What are you talking about? Let me do the rest of my fucking jokes. Okay. I don't know what you mean. It's the last kill Tony. I'm not here to talk about the military, but when is the last time a sniper saved my life? Uh.

If I could bring one of the Beastie boys back from the dead, I wouldn't. Sorry, Mel Gibson is an action hero, not an Oscar nominee fag boy. I loved him in Braveheart. This is probably the best part of my set coming up. As y'all know, Dolly Parton cured COVID. Now if only she could, let me do it. I paused wait,

way too much. Let me do it one more time. Ready? And action. Jeremiah used to say that. And Jeremiah, for the record, that's not your kid.

I'm kidding. I thought that was going to get a bunch of laughter. Here, let me tell my last two jokes. The caparler just farted into the microphone. Wow. Seems like all the characters are doing this now. As y'all know, Dolly Parton cured COVID.

Now if only she could come up with a vaccine for my achy, breaky heart. Wow. Here's the best one. Imagine Dolly Barton in a lamp coat. I haven't seen cotton stretch that thin since the South had to start paying for labor. Oh, my. Jesus.

Wow. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, a three-minute set. A little special treat. Three minutes. People throw... Do you hear me? Jeremiah, stop. He did.

This is a serious deal. People throw around numbers in my world all the time. I don't understand them. Like what? 5150. 5150. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about playing the game draws with my cousin Taylor, and he's like, Like, William, you rolled a five, and I just look at Taylor saying, what do you mean? How many spaces do I move my fish? Is this still happening? Tony, I talked to William before the show, and he is just really choked up about you going to Austin. He's like, I'm going to have to go back to Memphis.

Tony, what makes me so sad, and I wish to the God that I praise, Jesus, that your fucking ass wasn't on that stage. This is maybe the last time I will be on Kill Tony. And I swear to God, this has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. And now I'm up here talking about numbers and all this shit. It's not working. What do you think? Moving to Austin's not an option for you?

I'm thinking about it. Tony, can I move, move in with you? I can stay in your bathroom. I T.T.T. a bunch. I can just stay in your... What is T.T. What's Tee? It's when stuff comes out of my penis. Sounds like a great offer, Tony.

What do I get out of this? You get out of it walking into the bathroom with your speedo goggles, looking at me, looking down at my penis, looking at the urine coming out of my thing. Just doing your goggles up, doing the fog off, just being like, William, is that y'all d'it? Wait, what do I say? Hey, William, is that your d'it? Why would I talk like that?

Because you see my penis, it is similar. I don't know if y'all are familiar with tootsie roll pops. My penis looks like a blue tootsie roll pop. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Have you gotten this checked out? The doctor when I was born, they thought I had spina bifida, but it was actually a problem with my, your tail. No, the thing that wraps around your neck when you're born that allows your mama to feed you.

What's that thing called? Encyclopedia cord. Encyclopedia. Fuck you, Red Band. I'm going to be fucking happy when you're down in Austin. Oh. Oh, my God. scuba diving in the underwater springs, just looking at me saying, William, my oxygen is running out.

And I'm looking at your fucking ass saying, yeah, Red Band, you fucked up. Your ass is dying down here. William would watch you die rather than save you. Can you believe that, Red Band? I would look you in your face and look down in my feet and adjust my aqua socks. You bitch. Here, do me a favor, William. Look right at that camera like it's Red Band drowning

and tell the camera what you would say to him. Hey, Red Band, you fucked up. Your oxygen is running low. You're going to fucking die down here, you motherfucker. I bet you regret moving to Austin and getting into scuba diving, you piece of shit. You're dying down in this all. And I'm gonna get out

I'm gonna get with Janice We've been screwing around behind your back Janice and I are gonna get married And Redvan You're gonna die down in this fucking old You're gonna die down in this fucking old Janice get out of my fucking face Red Man get her out of my face

He's drowning. He's drowning. He can't. Wow, William Montgomery. What a performance. But your fucking phone down. Yeah, I loved you in Trek. I loved you in Trek. I loved when you played the Herbie the Lubbug character. Just watching your front of your core, what are those things called? Windshield wipers. Flashing your lights just saying, hey, how's it going? William is in full smash mode right now. Someone fucking shocking up with HGH before this.

You're a wild animal tonight. I am just so sick and tired of people talking about spam. Spam, what are you talking about? The food or the thing they gets in my email. Oh, shit. A spam joke out of nowhere. The first joke you have, think of when you think of spam.

Tony, I'm going to miss this. Are you going to cry right now? I think you can. Can you do that? Let me try. Okay, here it is. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, Zach, zoom in, you bitch. Zach zooming in. Let's see if William can cry.

Oh, there's some sad military music. That usually does it to a Civil War reenactor type, like William Montgomery. Oh, he's just fast. found out the Confederacy lost. Oh my goodness. William, if you need help, just think about your life. Tony, I appreciate the, I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, William, to get sad, think about your life.

Yeah, that's what I said. All right, William. So what are we talking about here? You got to get going, right? You have a curfew tonight. I have a curfew. Uh, thank you so much, Red Band. I'm going to miss you playing these stupid fucking songs what I'm trying to be serious.

You just typing on your fucking calculator, whatever people call those things. I use a calculator, William. Yeah, you use a calculator. Your girlfriend gave it to me. Well. Whoa. Talk about Texas instruments. Yeah.

You gave me a T-I-81, bitch. Whoa, he just called you a bitch. Don't fuck with me. Like, I just. swear to God, when we are underneath the water system in Texas and you are running out of oxygen

I'm going to wink at you and be like yeah, Janice and I text one another every fucking night. You think it's Janice the whole time it was me. Wow. Well, I appreciate you. We talk about our penises. We talk about

looking at our penises with binoculars. I appreciate that. Just me standing just up on the mountainside, just looking at Red Band's penis via binocular, and you look at my penis via binocular. What if I put the binoculars down on the table? That's really funny. Why'd you fuck that up? We're doing one of the best things ever.

And you say bullshit like that. William, I want to let you know that indeed, you know, there is a chance that we will be moving to Austin, depending on what? Could I go down there? Could I still be the regular? Because I am fucking churning out jokes like no one else could. You churn them better than anyone.

I am churning out fucking jokes like no one else. I'd like to see your dumbass try it. You couldn't do it. Are you talking to Stephen Glickman? Yeah, I'm talking to Stephen Glickman. William, this is a guest of ours. You have to be nice to the guy. I don't know how to fucking read, Tony.

Wow. But I keep on writing these. Could I move to Austin and keep this up? You know what, William? I'll make you a deal. If you can get to Austin and you can find a place to live and find a way to support yourself, you find a good, look at this. You can go down there, right?

You can come visit. Look at this. I say that a bunch. Listen to me. You can go to Austin and visit and you know what you could do. You could scout out some really nice storage facilities for you to work at. and you could just make a smooth transition from working at a storage facility here to there.

And you know what? In Texas, you can also find a lot of girlfriends that will be willing to beat you up. What scares me is I feel like I will move down there and fill a rider van with explosives. No, don't say that. I'm a Timothy McVeigh guy.

You know that. He's just kidding, everybody. A lot of the members of the Secret Service listen to this show. Did you know that? If they ever come at me, They know it's a joke. William, I may double down on Tony's offer. Can you talk a little slow? Red band?

I may double down. I can always tell. I've done this show a long time. I always know when Red Band's about to make a thing. What's your offer? If you come down and continue to be a regular on the Kill Tony show, I'll let you be on Brothers and Curse of Austin Edition. Wow.

He's going to let you do your own podcast in Austin. Look at this. It's actually he's thinking. This is what it looks like when he's thinking. Exactly. Shut the. fucking light off. Why did it get brighter? And if David Lucas doesn't want to...

That works every time. And if David Lucas doesn't want to come to Austin, you can choose who you want to be your brother in cursive. I sort of don't want to get into this, but you know I don't trust blacks. I know. You've been telling me this for a while that you think it's a bad idea that David's your brother in cursive. And you've been wanting a white guy. It's turned into a literal nightmare where I'm do-doing.

into the shammer drain and I'm looking up. Okay, all right, William, that's enough. It's a much of TT and doo-do and da-da. All right, William. Unbelievable performance. I want to let you know that, you know, that the invite is open for you, William, but I've literally had people say,

I have a job for William that's so easy. He'll be able to work from home. This other job has a car. And I go, William, this person wants to give you a fucking job. You have to do nothing. And there's always some weird reason why you can't do it Or why you won't visit a doctor Or why you won't get out of this situation

Or that situation. So I truly believe that this might actually like I feel like you're not going to make it to Austin. I feel like Michael Lair is not going to miss a beat. Yeah. And you know how many of people that listen to this show That have jobs for you in Austin if you move to Austin? I guarantee it.

People listen to this show. This is the, I believe this is the week before the Christmas is right around the corner here. and if you can offer William a job, offer him a job. The economy's building out there. It's a fucking real red state. I need it. Stephen Glickman, let me work for you. All right.

Sounds great. Wow, look at that. All right. William, we absolutely adore you. You'll always be a regular in our hearts. It's been so much fun. I have loved every. fucking minute of it.

Shut up. What did you say? Security, can we get this guy out of your? I have loved every fucking minute of all of this. I can't tell y'all enough that I appreciate

your can't. Shut up, Glickman. Oh my God. Oh my God. Shut up, dude. Make me. Make you. Glickman. William. Be nice to our guests.

Go ahead. Come on, William. Clickman. I believe in you, William. Two years ago, I met your mom. You were cool with it. We started kissing in a bathroom of the... William, come on. Keep it going.

You're on your closing. It's true. And his mom looks a lot like him. Just a bald-headed lady from Memphis. And we made out on the stairwell of the fucking Oak Court Mall. looking at her saying,

you know, I trust Glickman, I like him. And she looked at me and she's like, William, shut your mouth. I love you so much. Wow. Oh, my God. William, you are such a fucking incredible talent. You absolutely destroyed me tonight.

For 16 minutes, nonetheless. Absolutely shockingly incredible performance. Three minutes of stand-up comedy. I'm fucking around. And probably my favorite interview of all time. Closing Strong here at the comedy. store here on this beautiful, beautiful Monday night. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for William Montgomery, everybody.

See on the flip side, buddy. In the street, it's a happy holiday. Yeah. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Silver. Here we go. Yeah, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Silver. What's up?

I bet racist hate coloring. books. Think about it. But you know it's their baby boy so maybe for their birthday one year they get him a brand new coloring book. He's so excited about it. He's so excited about it. But the kid, you know, right away he gets into it. He starts coloring it. He's finished in like 10 seconds. The dad comes back in the room. He's like, what have you done? It was perfect. It was white. Something like that. I like to get really high and go to Whole Foods, give out samples of products they don't sell there. Recently I was doing this.

This lady, she comes up to me. She's like, oh my God, I can't believe it's organic. I was like, it's not. It's from Walmart. It's a fantastic moment for me. I've been to the suicide ward three times. First time I wanted to die. Other two times cannot decide if I like the place or not.

Wanted to have an accurate opinion. How many seconds I got left? Cool. Mike Silver. There it is. Mike Silver. Mike, I remember you. You've been on the show a couple times.

You throw fish for a living or something like that, right? Yeah, I actually got fired like twice from it. Wow. It's weird because it's a family company too, so it's very awkward. Very fishy situation. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Hell yeah. So what are you doing now?

Basically, yeah, unemployment life. Yeah, what's that look like for you? I bought a dog with my stimulus check and a little bit of the first check from unemployment. That's great. Is that what you named him? Did you name the dog's stimulus? No, I named him Happy.

You know, he's pretty awesome. Oh, that's cool. You smoke a lot of pot, huh? I smoke quite a bit, yeah.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. You have a bong, a water bong. Yep, in my car. In your car, Bill.

I know the type of person that's got a bong on him. Basically, yeah, it's just like whenever you leave or when I leave anywhere, it's just like smoke a bull right before I came in here,

smoked a bull. Of course. Yeah. Constantly high. I get it. What, what are some things that you like to do? Hobbies and stuff.

Yeah, I was just talking to Andy about that. I have no fucking hobbies. Really? I mean, I did. Golf? strangely enough. I was actually in varsity golf in Westchester High.

Look at this shit. It's another weird thing where I can guess, I can guess people that know how to golf that look like they would never golf. No, but that's the thing. I get that vibe from you. No, they solely put me on that team because I was white.

It was kind of unreasonable. Wait, why? they needed a token white guy for their golf. team? Where the hell did you go to school? Westchester High. Hell? No, Westchester High. It was a predominantly black school. So, like, they had a golf team and I was like, hey, I play golf. They're like, where did you play golf at? And I was like,

Will's your country club. We're like, all right, for sure, Varsity Golf. They made me captain. Never went to a golf course. Wow. It was amazing. Did you have fun? I mean, like, I got a free six period, so worked out. Hell yeah. Free sixth period. Look at that. What were you into when you were growing up?

You had a free six period. Glickman had two lunches. Yeah, no, I try to. I was actually a I tried to join a gang when I was younger. It wasn't a good idea. You tried to join a gang? Yeah, like, it just wasn't good. What gang? It's, should I say it?

Wow. I'm from L.A. It's in L.A., you know, it's unreasonable. Man, fuck it. It's called Bozer's Thresse. Oh, shit. Maybe you shouldn't have said. It's like, how we're going to bleep that.

Actually, that's the best gang. Yeah, just bleep it, please. But no, it's funny because, like, how do you, it's crazy going to, like, bang on someone with, like, a ridiculous name. Because they look at you, like, that's really your name. Maybe you'd be like, yeah, don't say anything about it. You know, it just doesn't really work. So I should really bleep that one out. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, for sure. I don't think. Yeah, it's just a little bleep. Because they probably just don't want anybody talking about other gang, right? I don't know. Like, it's a weird society because it's kind of like. What the fuck made you think you could get into it, though? They must have just laughed at you.

They're all standing on the front stoop laughing at you. Yeah, like, dude, I used to sell meth on a scooter. Like, it just didn't work. just Westchester Park Okay Because everything has come naturally and easy for him Because the captain is like Hey can I be in your Mexican gang

You need another white guy Yeah I once uh yeah So where do you live now? I just moved to Korea town Nice how's that going for you No better time to be near a bunch of Asian people Than when there's a virus I am a chef at a Korean barbecue restaurant now

No it's awesome It's just parking's a bitch But no I like it's way close to everything, you know. Have they been eyeballing your new dog that you got? Yeah, and honestly, it makes me really nervous because I've had people look at like, and then lick their lips. It's just like, what are you doing, man?

Yeah, that's frightening. You ever notice that the drivers are bad around Korea Town? I do, yeah. Pretty crazy, isn't that? I actually almost got into an accident on the way over here. Would you say that out of all the racial stereotypes, Asian driving, it seems to be blatantly the biggest one, like the most true stereotype out of every race?

It's different because, like, my grandparents. Not my grandma. My stepmom's from Cambodia. And, like, she's just an extremely careful driver. I wouldn't necessarily say bad, but it's, like, irritating driving with her, you know? I'm not talking about Cambodians, bro. You know what the fuck I was talking about. Cambodia is a reach.

Cambodia is, like, calling Puerto Rico America. It's like, I guess so. Yeah, but it's like, if you look at her, you're not going to be like, you must be from Cambodia. You're going to be like, you're Asian as shit, you know? It's just kind of like... But isn't she sort of darker? I mean, Cambodians have, like, all of skin. See, the thing with Cambodia is, like, the whole culture is.

just a bunch of different mixed people. Like you'll have people who are like half Cambodian, half Thai, half Thai, half Chinese. God, now I'm starving. Is anybody else starving up here? Jesus. Can I have the half Cantonese, half Thai? All right. So what else about you?

I mean, there must be something. I deadlift a lot, so. Get the fuck out of here. What? Can you deadlift Jeremiah Watkins? I was just about to say. I'm pretty sure I could deadlift Red Band. Whoa.

So long. Yeah, if you try to lift him, you'll be dead. I think it from the ground. Red band's not going to do it. Why don't you start off with Jeremiah first? Nah, it's like how they go heavy. The crazy thing is him deadlifting red band would be the most exercise red band's done in a lot. Yeah, at least that's a part of it.

Yeah. You know what? I'll one up you. I bet you can do it. But to prove your true strength, I think you should get right at the tip of this stage in deadlift Glickman. Oh, shit. Would you be down Glickman? You're going to die.

That's good. Do my core is so strong right now. How much can you deadlift? I can deadlift 380. You think your core is strong. You should see his core. My core is fantastic right now. He's got a crust, a mantle, and a core.

I mean, I'm not 380. So he can do it. How much do you weigh, you think? I'm 308. 307, if you take that cell phone out of your pocket, let's do it. All right, I believe we do it. Here we go. Here it is the, hold on a second here.

What is that? I don't know. What is that? Okay, stand right out there. stand social distance from me while you deadline. Man, is this exciting or what? Please do. Okay.

Wait, you're going to pull him up by his hoodie and pants? The fetal position. Glickman. Glickman, this is exactly how his Shrek audition. Stevens fly is already down. He's right. Glickman's bailing out. Jeremiah, what do you think?

I mean, if this guy thinks he can lift Glickman. Will you let him squat you? I don't know. Who else? Are there any fat people out there that would like to get squatted? All right, everybody's afraid of you, Mike. I'm sorry. Anybody can squat me.

I'm not very heavy. Really? But you're like 6'7 according to you on an airplane. But wouldn't that mean you're heavy if you're so tall? And you have the same confidence as my height. I have better confidence in your fight. How many people see him deadlift of Michael Lair and his wheelchair?

There you go. Here's a guy that doesn't have a choice. If you lift this wheelchair over your head. I'll soon be deadlift. Just make sure, whatever you do, Mike, just please, for the love of fucking God, don't drop him. This is probably a horrible idea. Colette is dying over there.

Why is he so, strong. Oh no. This is a horrible idea. Oh, my God. Michael Laird. What's incredible about this is Michael Laird has so much dead weight. He actually weighs the same as Glickman.

Wow. He's finishing off. I'm going to hand for Michael Lair. Nice job, Michael. A fucking real fucking improv player right there. fucking roll with anything. Literally and metaphorically. Mike, you are extremely

strong. He was a lot heavier than you thought. Yeah, that was like, I was like, it's a special kind of dead weight, that fucking A-L-L-S. I was this close from dropping him. I was like this, I would not be good. Oh, God. And you thought you could do me or Glickman?

What the fuck? Well, I can deadlift you guys. I'm telling you, I saw something. I saw what happened there. And it's what I'm saying is true. Michael Lair has a special kind of dead weight. Like, look, I'm like, oh, this is going to be, I was expecting him to fly right up once he got his arms underneath him.

And sure, you know, just everything. Get him out of the rafters. So heavy. Yeah, that's incredible. Michael Lair, real man. That's what a body feels like. It's all that fucking Michael Lair cock in those pants. Yeah, you got a 10-foot cock, dude.

That's just going to weigh a lot. All right, Mike. Well, so much fun, man. Thank you. Impressive strength, fun times, fun interview. Thanks for coming. Mike Silver. Appreciate it.

Thank you. All right. Thanks, buddy. We're having fun. We're having fun. fun. This is it. This is the final comedian of the night right here. We're going

to do this and get the fuck out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For Gino Ricardy. Here we go. Good, brisk, jog. Gino Ricardy. Me and my girlfriend are in an open relationship. That means two things. She's allowed to date other dudes, and

I'm allowed to fuck huggers. Nobody's fucking me for free. I'm 5'7. I look like an extra from the Fast and the Furious franchise. I'm broke. No, it's just not happening for free. She always asked me like, she'll go out on a date and she'll come back. She's like, what did you do while I was gone? I'm like, I fucking got high and watched a movie in peace without having to narrate it to the person next to me.

Whenever I get laid, she always has to ask me, all right, how much of our money did you just spend? That's what I got for you, man. You got 21 seconds. I got 21 seconds? Yep. It's funny. People always... Yeah, shit's different than it used to be.

Having tattoos on your face used to mean you were a dangerous person. Now it just means you drink White Claw. There you go. Gina Ricardy. Beautiful. Gino, fun set. You've been doing this a little while, huh? Yeah, a little bit.

Was I supposed to be looking there, by the way? Yeah, you're doing everything just right. You're doing it just right. But at any point, you want to say anything, insanely funny or weird I should say it to that camera. Dude, I hope I'm not looking at my future. Actually, Joel, this looks more like

your past. I don't know. I don't know what. I was going to say your present, maybe. No. All right. So, Gino, let's catch up. This is your first time on the show. First time. How long have you been on Santa? I'm going to guess four to six years. About four. There you go. Getting into four. Where at? Phoenix, Arizona. Yes. Are you serious? No. I started in Orange County.

Okay. That's the Phoenix vibes I'm getting. Yeah. Same place, basically. Just different. different areas. Okay. I find people in Arizona know how to keep themselves kept like they're all attractive for some reason. I'm going to go to my senior fat correspondence to both sides of me here. You know, I'm wrong.

All right. Geno. So you live in Orange County still? Yeah, still live in Orange County. What do you do for work? In the before times, I was a bartender at a hotel at the double tree. Oh, okay. Good cookie.

Back job. Good cookies. Good cookies. Good cookies. Oh, they are amazing. They're warm. They let you sometimes have two of you, sweet talk, the clerk at the counter. Wow.

You don't just steal them, cat burglar? Sometimes you have to be polite, cat burglar. Wow. All right. So you were a bartender at a hotel. How about now? What are you doing to survive? I'm on unemployment.

Right. This is the only time I've ever been able to do stand-up seven days a week, so I'm taking advantage. Absolutely. Have you been doing it seven days a week? Pretty much, yeah. That's incredible. You're just going everywhere, different places, hustling. Everywhere, yeah.

How does it make you feel performing? Cold. It's cold outside. It's weird. It's cold. It's cold. Everything's in a park outside somewhere in the dark. Right.

Yeah. Right. And you drive from Orange County every day? Every single day. What kind of car do you have? I have a Honda Fit. Oh, I hate Honda Fit. I hate him so much.

Do you drive like shit? You can't help it. That's why people hate Prius driver. because there's no acceleration. There's no like, you can't peel out. It's the worst. Yeah. Do you ever go in the far left lane on the freeway?

I mean, when I get up there. You know what? Don't do it anymore, please. I'm an excellent fucking driver. Can you tell all the Honda fit people to stay the fuck out of that lane? You just don't belong there. That is the only time that Tony is far left is on the highway. There you go.

Absolutely. For those of you that remember my political views, I'm not far left very often. Except for on almost all social. issues, but look at these idiots running this fucking city now. Anyway, Glickman, what do you think about? Tell me

about this open relationship. This real? Oh, good question. Serious? This is real, yeah. Why? How long have you been in it? Since we started. How long's that? I don't like to count, but it's been long enough. A ballpark. Like, she started taking my last name.

Two months. Five years. More than four years. More than four years. Yeah. Do you know when it's closing. That's why I don't like to count anytime. People always like congratulate you on just like not being dead or not, you know, being broken up. Let me ask you this. I never really got it, right?

Open relationships. That means she can just go out and bang somebody without a condom? No, not without a condom. But I mean, if she's a big enough, if she's a big enough, if she's sexually adventurous enough to go have sex with other people, what makes you think she's sexually adventurous enough to not. make someone wear a condom. Because she didn't want to die, I assume. What do you mean die? Do you guys still have AIDS in Orange County?

No. I assume it's everywhere. He's going to murder her, Tony. That's what's going to happen. Ah, interesting. The same reason I would wear a condom. That's, I mean, the same reason I wear condoms. Because you fucking don't want to catch.

You wear condoms with her? No. You wearing a condom right now? I'm wearing one right now. I usually have a microphone. It's a long drive from Orange County with a flappy condom. Has she ever met somebody that, like, they kind of, you know, you almost.

feel like, oh, she's going to leave me for this dude. No. No. No. Why do you think that is? Have you met any other guys? Why are you so secure that she's not going to leave you for another guy? Because she's perfect. Like, we're, like, dude, we're just perfect for each other. If you were really perfect for each other, wouldn't you be fucking so often that you don't need to hook up with other people? I don't know how, like, have you been in, like, long-term, like, more than two years? After two years, you've done everything you can do together. There's no more, there's nothing else to explore.

And, and frankly, I don't want to do a lot of the shit that she wants to, a lot of the shit she wants to do. She's like super freaky. She wants to get like tied up. I'm lazy, dude. She can do that with somebody else. And like that's fine. And she comes home and I'm like, that sounds like it was a lot of work.

And it's not like there's no pussy left over for me. I can literally fuck her any moment of the day I want. If she's sitting there like studying or what other fuck she does, I can literally just walk by, put my dick in her face for like a minute and then like walk away. And then she'll just get pissed off that we didn't fuck. But I just wanted to put my dick in something for like a minute. Wow, you just put your dick next to her face for a minute?

God, I love love. I mean, this is just so. romantic. Wow. That's incredible. This is love the way that a shot of love with tequila was love. Wow. So, Gina, what else about you? What else do you? What else do you, like hobbies or anything like that? I play music. I used to be a drug dealer.

What kind of music do you play? I play like what I just play for fun. So I play what I play like musicals, like stuff like that on the piano or whatever or jazz on the guitar. Wow. Yeah. We ever dressed up as Jose Aldo for Halloween. Wow. There you go. What was that?

It's a reference from the UFC. You look like a UFC fighter. Oh, okay. Do you sing when you do these musicals on the piano? Sometimes, just to keep pitch, it helps you learn pitch better. Can you give us a little? Can we just hear one little sound of you just doing anything at all whatsoever? No, because I haven't trained in a while.

I haven't trained in a while I was going to sound horrible. Come on. Come on. If Glickman does it for a second, will you do it for a second? Are you saying sing? Yeah. No, I'm not going to say. Why?

Because it's going to sound bad. What if you move your mouth and then Glickman's I would like to hear Glickman's voice coming out of that body. I just do it to train like for pitch training. It helps. It helps train your gear. Do you know how to pitch of baseball?

No. I throw like a girl. It's horrible. Wow. Where'd you grow up? Huntington Beach. Oh, Huntington Beach. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Huntington Beach was a bunch of white people that want to be game. gangsters. They all join gangs. It's really weird. Wow. I was in a gang. Do you ever, you know that? The apple dumpling gang. God, you son of a bitch.

What gang were you in? I was in a... Weight watchers? I was in a... You say crispy cream gang? Oh, crispy pork gang. It's a restaurant. Crispy pork gang? I was in a, I was in a Crips gang. That's 100% true. He was in a Cripp? Seventh grade.

Wolfgang Buck. I was in the seventh grade in a school. It was really tough at a little junior high school. He was in the Ku Klux Klams. He was in the Ku Klux Klams. That's pretty funny.

Yeah. You were a blood pressure. There were Jesus. There was a bunch of kids. They were all in a gang and then one of them, I was coaching in an acting scene for class.

And then he was like, he was like, hey bro, I got you, bro. And I was like, what does that mean? And he was like, don't worry about it. Just do this hand signal. And he like showed me a hand signal. And I was like, okay, what's that? And then he told all the other kids that all the other guys in the gang that he had jumped me in. And then they all showed up one day.

Because I was working in the lunchroom. I bet you were. And they all asked me if I was in the gang and then I did the hand signal and then they all were like, this is the funniest thing in the whole world. I was like the fattest little... Of course.

Yeah, it was like a little ball of fat Jew. The gang that he was in was the Hell's Angel food cake. I did not last very long. What city was this? Encinitas, California. It's the big city. Yeah, the big city. That's a beach city crib.

Beach City Crip. There's a lot of editing I'm going to have to do with all these gangs. No, it's okay. I think the ones in that one are going to enjoy the show. Those guys are great guys. Great senses of humor. Absolutely. All right.

Well, Gino, thank you so much. Really great set. Gino Ricardi, everybody. There he goes. Here comes the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. We had fun tonight. This was good. Wow.

Look at that. That one. My goodness. Everybody looks fucking stellar. He even made Glickman look good on this. Wow. Look at me. The drawing really does take away 20 pounds.

Guys, how about a big hand? Ryan J.E.Belt.com for those prints. How about a big hand for a guest, Stephen Glickman, everybody? I was here. Stephen Glickman is the host of the nighttime show podcast, available everywhere. And also check out Monster Hunter. Coming out soon. Yeah. Nighttime show just recorded its 200th episode with Kevin Smith.

Awesome. That was a good get. We had Kevin Smith here for our 420 episode. Fuck, yeah. I remember that. It was incredible. Yeah, it was good. He's a great guy.

Very solid. Lives right around the corner from here. Oh, shit. One more time for Glickman, everybody. Hey, thanks, guys. Comedy Store royalty. Former door guy, worked his way all the way up to being rich. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about a big ham.

for Jeremiah Watkins. This special is still out. Jeremiah. Family reunion's out available everywhere, Jeremiah Watkins.com, Amazon. Get it. What else, Jeremiah? Yes, there is catam burglar t-shirts at Jeremiah Watkins.com, and I've got

a great podcast. Jeremiah wonders, you should catch a fun, and I want to give a thank you to Gino from Speedweed, who has been helping me produce it from a long time from Betterbox Studios. And he is a silent supporter of all of us and a lot of times, so I just wanted to say thank you

to Gino. There it is, indeed. Every single week, Gino, hanging, killing it. Guys, the Queen B of the band. Jetsky Jesse Johnson was here tonight. There she is. Look at that little kitty cat.

She has handmade ornaments, available at Jetskyjohnson.com. Anytime ornaments. I mean, Christmas is around the corner. I bet she can get them delivered before Christmas even. We'll see. What else, Jetsky Johnson? We got roadcasts with Jeremiah.

Joel and I were on them. Look out for that. And I just want to thank you guys and everybody listening. I just did a show for Ohio University, not the Ohio State. I just noticed that today. I hope you didn't say. I know, but it was so cool. It was on Twitch and all the comments.

I was seeing all this broom, broom from all over the country and the world. Yeah, thank you guys watching. Thank you guys. Well, you're the best, Jetsky. You know what I just realized? Cat burglar behind me was Joel Joel Jimenez the whole goddamn time. Absolutely incredible.

Joel, tell us something. Shit. Thank you to Ludwig. Thank you to you guys. Thanks to everybody here at the Comedy Store. I love it. Love you guys. And have a great rest of your year. Red Band. Yeah, thanks Comedy Store

so much, guys. I love you guys and I'm going to miss you guys. Comedy Store, Peter Shore, Pauly, Richie, Curtis, Jen, everybody that has anything to do with this place. Guys, how about a big hand for Damon to Easterwood coming in, unlocking the power of the room for us? Thanks to everybody and everything.

Who knows what the future holds, but we will, indeed, most likely, see you guys next week.