KILL TONY - KILL TONY #491

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

Shane Gillis, Jon Keyz, Michael Hale, Michael A. Gonzales, Jimmy Blazer, Janice Min, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/08/2021 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Starbucks. Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or are in the mood to shake things up with the new Iced Hazelnut O'Shaken Espresso, need to cozy up with a tea latte, there should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport.

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From placing your first trade to setting up customized stock alerts, we're always by your side. Just a few of the reasons why we are Canada's number one rated online broker by Money Sense. Get started today at Questrade.com. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every episode of Kill Tony, including past episodes with video portions to the shows. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only are we at Antone's in Austin, Texas every Monday, but we are on the road. If you can come see us in Phoenix this week, February 5th and 6th, and then we'll be off into Miami later this month.

So go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Don't forget to check out Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. RyanJEbelt.com. And Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Easy enough. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com to see all his tour dates and everything.

Golden Pony. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. Go get a Kill Tony shirt before they're sold out. And Death Squad shirts, hats, everything is at ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hicksclap.

Guys, Austin, Texas, come on, make some fucking noise. We're here. It's a real live podcast. Great Brian Redband is here. What's up, everybody? Exciting stuff in store for tonight, everyone. I'm excited to be here. Spent the whole day at HEB.

Am I the only one? Oh, yeah. Am I right? Me too. This is my new favorite everything. Fuck yeah. It's just HEB. Definitely.

Do you have an HEB plus or are you just a regular poor person H-E-B? No, I go to the rich people's H-E-B, the Farmer's Square. Who's with me, huh? Fancy. Oh, okay, nobody. All right. No, I'm excited, but I'll tell you what. I'm happy to be here.

We've been having so much fun. Last week we had Joe Rogan, and I'm just excited to be back here. Hey, Ryan J. Ebelt is here, the house artist, everybody. He draws every episode, all the way from Los Angeles, California. Originally from Texas, now that we're here, he went back to L.A. And we had barbecue today, thanks to our friend Yoni over at Best BBQ Show. Every single week, he keeps us well fed. Today we had CM Smokehouse

and Flores Tortillas. So check out CM Smokehouse on South Lamar at CM underscore Smokehouse. Do you guys ever have CM Smokehouse? It's brand new. Fuck yeah. Wow, a cow in the back. There you go. Not happy. Cows do not

like barbecue places. Yeah, and our incredible staff here at Antones, I gotta tell you, this is a historical nightclub, an awesome place, and the great Miles, who's been the sound guy here every week since we moved here, has an amazing band

called Space Flight Records. You should follow them at Space Flight Records. He gives us some awesome new jackets. And yeah, I'm excited about shit. Let's jump right into it, shall we? Before we talk about tonight's... Before we jump into tonight's episode, let's hear a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available

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Very, very, very, very, very exciting. Guys, last week we had our first ever guest in Austin, Texas. It was Joe Rogan. I'm excited to announce that we have a guest here tonight joining us. Truly one of my favorite comedians in the world. Here all the way from his home in New York. Did a weekend in San Antonio this past weekend. Hit me up, said, what are we doing?

Are you doing Kill Tom? Let's have some fun, right? He stayed in Texas. Extra time for you guys here tonight. I am so excited to have the great Shane Gillis is here, everybody. Come on. From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Saturday Night Live Royalty. Multiple time Kill Tony guest, including once in New York, Gramercy Theater.

Welcome back, Shane. What's up, man? How's Austin treating you? You were here today. Austin, you got a lot of bums. That's what I got. There is. There are a lot.

They try to clean your windshield? They... I don't know. I was just walking through the city trying to avoid it. It felt like a game of Pac-Man. I would just turn, go to a different block, another one would pop up, start screaming at me.

You guys don't seem to think it's funny. They're monsters. One fell asleep on my car during this podcast two weeks ago. Is that funny to you people? It's funny to me. Of all the cars he could have taken a nap on, he chose my car.

That's right, lady. That's right, lady. That's right, lady. But I'm excited to have you here, Shane. We're going to meet some brand new Austin comedians. Some of them are veterans of the game. We've met some people that have been doing it 15, 20 years. Can't tell they've been doing it 15 or 20 years, but they have been.

They say they have been. And some people are brand new. I'm excited about tonight's episode. A bunch of people signed up before the show. Our largest turnout for sign-ups ever. People are stacked out on the sidewalk, hoping that their name gets called. And probably a few people

in here signed up tonight. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You'll hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry warehouse district bear. That's what it sounds like. Beautiful. Is that loud out there?

Is the sounds loud? It doesn't really feel loud. It doesn't feel powerful. It needs to be... There you go. Okay. I guess that's better. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Anything can happen. Hey guys. How could I forget? How about a big hand for the fucking

Kill Tony band, huh? Am I right? John Dees, Matt Muehling, D Madness, and Michael Gonzalez on the drums. He's got great food recommendations. This guy sent me to Polvo South. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. If D Madness likes it, you know that means it's the best tasting place. He likes the scenery, ladies and gentlemen. He's blind, everybody, if you're wondering. Like, oh, does he just wear cool glasses? No, he's not from the future. He's blind. He's Blade. All right. You guys ready for this? I'm going to pull a name not from the future. He's blind. He's Blade.

All right. You guys ready for this? I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. We're live in Austin, Texas. Let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian getting 60 seconds uninterrupted and then talking with us immediately afterwards goes by the name of Arnie Diaz. Here we go.

It's Arnie Diaz. Here we go. It's Arnie Diaz. It's time. Here he comes from deep in the back. These people are stacked out on the sidewalk tonight. I think over 70 or 80 people signed up tonight. Unbelievable. How many of you have already had the coronavirus? Let's party.

Here's Arnie Diaz. You look at me, you might be thinking two things. One thing, maybe his dad owns a gas station or his father works in the gas station taqueria. I'll tell you what I am, all right? This fucking beard and this nose and this skin is either Inca, Aztec, or Papila, some kind of indigenous to this continent.

And this beard is either French, Irish, and possibly Norwegian. But on my passport, my United States of America passport, it says, born in Texas. I am the living embodiment of the six flags. You must be this tall to ride. Racism. It is stupid to believe that racism will ever go away.

It is ancient. It's like herpes. Most of us have it. I don't. But if you get cold sores,'s like herpes. Most of us have it. I don't. But if you get cold sores, you have herpes. Also, Also what? My name is not Arnie.

It's okay, Arnie. I don't really give a fuck what your name is. Yeah, right on. Right on. Thank you. How about a big hand? You want to go by your real name? What do you want to do here? No, no. Arnie. I don't really give a fuck what your name is. Yeah, right on. Right on. Thank you. How about a big hand? You want to go by your real name? What do you want to do here? No, no. Arnie's the name. Is that your closing line? Arnie's not your name? Did I interrupt you?

Or are we starting the interview? I can't even tell. Because I told you to go ahead with that last thing. When I hear someone with your type of energy go, also, and then get the cat, and then stop, I'm very disappointed. I thought you were going to put a big ribbon on this whole fucking thing. Bring it all together. Damn right I fucked up.

Both Shane and I were laughing throughout your set. Pretty much not at what you were saying at all. Something about your energy's up here. You're like an arena act or something. You know that Will Farley motivational speaker?

I live by Rio. Like a southern Baptist priest. A lot of physical movements. You're like if Dane Cook looked like an actual cook. Well, I grew up in that town. You are a cook?

No, I'm not a cook. I make sandwiches for a living that's really where do you make sandwiches i i work at a italian deli in uh in dallas wow do you make sandwiches like you do stand up just fucking moving all around with different things even though it could be all right in front of you if it's busy and it's lunch shift yes wow busy lunch shift yeah hell yeah how long you been working at delis? Just two years. Okay. What were you doing before that? Well, I'm actually a wedding photographer, but since COVID hit, stuff

is not going good. Imagine this guy just in every shot of the wedding trying to take pictures. Unbelievably physical. There you go. How long have you been doing wedding photography? Just about three years. You ever get laid at one of those weddings? No. How long have you been doing wedding photography? Just about three years. You ever get laid at one of those weddings? No.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for ten years, but I hit it really hard for the last two before COVID. You hit what really hard? The fucking stand-up. I'm open mics as much as possible. You see how much you move for what you're talking about?

I did so many open mics. When you did the beard thing, I've never seen anybody make their beard look so much bigger than it is. Running your fingers through your body. For those of you that are just listening to this podcast, you're really missing out on the incredible... Yeah, because I don't know if he told a joke.

I don't think so. It was just like a speech. He gave like his 23 and me. Just like real enthusiastically. And that's something about herpes. In between each sentence he's like There was some adjustments. No segues necessary for you

sir. Just turn around and turn those hips. Why do you think you move around so much? I'm just nervous man really yeah that's what what else makes you nervous what are other times in which you get nervous uh you know um just honestly being on stage all the time always makes me really nervous but you know well then you picked the right career i know right yeah for sure for sure for sure especially being in front of you guys i've listened to you guys for so long. It's getting to me a little bit.

Were you really listening or were you just hearing us? It depends on the day. I love it. Tell us more. What are your parents like? Are you Mexican? My mother is from El Salvador and my dad is from Mexico. I'm a Latin mutt. They met in Dallas.

I believe that. That's where people like that meet. You know what I'm talking about, Austin? Alright, tell us something we'd be shocked to know about you. A fun fact about Arnie Diaz. Or whatever your real name is. So, I did a wedding

about three months ago, and I got stopped by the police, and they thought that I was drunk, but I wasn't. I got out of my car before they got there, and it was because it was an off-duty police officer that stopped me, and he was just in, like, a regular Tahoe. And I got out of my car, raised my hands, and was like, what do you want? And at the end of the entire thing, there was like five cops that came up. It was like two, it was like four Denton sheriffs and three DPD cops, and they like were like, we thought you were drunk,

this off-duty cop thought you were drunk, and you're obviously not drunk. So they let me go. So you got pulled over, and you got out, and was like, what do you want? Yeah, I was, because it was an obstacle. I didn't know who it was, so I raised my arms up. 10-4, we got a guy moving around suspiciously.

He's moving around everywhere for no reason whatsoever. I told him to walk a straight line. He started sprinting back and forth. I don't know if he's nervous or 10-4. Copy 22 seems suspicious to me. Have you ever done cocaine before? Absolutely. Yep.

Oh, wow. Look at this. Did you do it today? Today? I would do it for this occasion. Wow. This is the first time we've had someone do a giant line on Kill Tony, everybody. No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Just joking. When's the last time you did cocaine? Oh, it's been three... Three years? Wait, what? Did you say three years? No, it's been about three and a half months. Three and a half months? It was here in

Austin, because I live in Dallas, but I have a bunch of friends here, and they all do coke. There's so much coke in the sea right now. Half of you are on coke. Wow, is that true? How many of you are on cocaine tonight? Yeah, good table. We've got a lot of dirt balls here.

I like it. What's your worst experience you've ever had on cocaine? On cocaine? Shane's willing to do cocaine on the podcast right now. He's one night at Anton's. So this guy, I was at a house party for a little while and we had all bought an 8-ball and one of the

guys really wanted ketamine. So they also bought ketamine and this guy mixed the ketamine, all of it, with the coke. It was terrible. I love thinking of somebody that's watching this like, holy shit, that's the guy who shot our wedding.

Is that that guy? Yeah. Absolutely. So then what happened? Well, I did some because fuck that's the only coke left

how annoying are you after cocaine it's probably one of those guys that does the opposite he just becomes really quiet right he just sits there that's fucking spot on

look at how he uses his arm for everything I mean it's incredible he's a motivational speaker he's like the my pillow guy he just pointed an imaginary gun at me for a moment it's incredible. Motivational speakers, like the MyPillow guy. He just pointed an imaginary gun at me for a moment. It was incredible. Absolutely.

All right. Well, Arnie Diaz, it was fun to talk with you. You move a lot. I hope you never lose that nervous tick. I mean, again, we were laughing the entire time from the very first moment you were up here. Not at all at any particular punchlines whatsoever. It was like van down by the river kind of energy. That's what I said.

In fact, the punchlines were the only parts of your sets I didn't like. It was almost incredible. It was almost a break from the trying. Gotcha. Gotcha. No. Oh, don't. Oh, Michael. Don't just because he's fucking brown. Come on. Gee, Michael Gonzalez back here with a hard awe.

I'm going to put a wall in between these guys and you. You keep that up, Michael Gonzalez. How about one more time for Arnie Diaz? Getting things kick-started with great energy. Thank you, Arnie. Hey, anything can happen, clearly. People sign up. Hell yeah.

Hey, look who's back, everybody. You might be wondering, is this one of the children from the movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? No. Zach Bogus moved here this week. New Austin resident. He helped

us on the show in Los Angeles, and he moved out here to be here with you guys in Austin, Texas. I pulled another name out of the bucket. He goes by the name of Andy Harter. Andy Harter. Let's see what happens here.

Got a long walk tonight. A lot of people signed up. Zach Bogus doesn't feel as good as that little Asian girl we had a couple weeks ago. That's true. Andy Harter, I do believe, is coming to the stage. Zach Bogus got his car towed

on Saturday night. This fucking guy thought he could park on 6th Street. He came out, there's people everywhere. People getting gyros and hot sausages. He's like, that's where my car was. Want to travel the world?

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Yeah, I just came here from Seattle. I have fucking had it with Seattle. With all these fucking hipsters with their farm-to-table bistros and their vegan cat hotels and their gluten-free condoms. Millennials don't even use condoms. Why they got to be gluten free? I didn't even think you were supposed to eat condoms. Like I feel like you've been eating condoms like your gluten sensitivity is the least of your worries. Happy to know the strip clubs are open here. They don't have those in Seattle.

Haven't paid destiny a visit in a while. Every strip club's got a Destiny. And between the biker boyfriend and the crystal method is not going good for her. Her tits aren't real, but her problems are. And you want to hear that shit? It's your 80 bucks.

Is that a minute? We good? What? Close to it. 56 seconds. Absolutely. Andy Harder, everybody. Thank you. Hi, Andy. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. Funny, you're like a real man. Yeah. Like a real man from Seattle, huh? That's right. Hell yeah. How long have you lived here? I'm just visiting.

I'm thinking about moving. Yeah. Okay. You're sick of the hipsters in Seattle, so you're going to come to Austin? Trust me. Hipster comedy audiences especially, man. Tell us about them. What are they like?

They fucking cry about just everything. Jim Norton's stunt double from 20 years ago. What do they cry about? What type of things do you say that makes them cry? Well, I got this joke where I got fired from Lyft because of all the complaints.

It's like, car was too hot, car was too cold. Wait, this really happened? Music was too loud, driver was overly sexually aggressive, and, like, they're like, sexually aggressive? You know, like, that's not a joke to them. You should have raped him after they said that. You had a problem with sexual aggression? Yeah.

Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Andy? I move furniture. I'm a dog sitter. I sell drugs sometimes. Fuck yeah. You sound an awful lot like a hipster. I don't know.

I'm 44. There's nothing hip about it. I don't know. I'm 44. There's nothing hip about it. I don't know. You have any pains in your hip? I got pains all over, man. Really? 44? Yeah, things are getting rough.

I think that's how old Screech was. It was. Yeah. He started feeling pain all over his body, and then two months later, dead. That's true. Rest in peace. Screech. I once had the chance of roasting him.

We both did. Oh yeah, that was in Toronto. I actually became friends with him for a while. He's a nice guy. I told him, Dustin Diamond, when I watch Saved by the Bell Now, I think to myself, why couldn't there be a school shooting back then? That's what I told him. It was especially funny back when there was a lot of school shootings. That's what I told him. That was great.

It was especially funny back when there was a lot of school shootings. I'll tell you. This is no school shooting thing. Bad for business. You ever been involved in any kind of tragedy or crime?

I mean, I don't know. Crime is kind of not a big deal to me. Nothing in particular comes up. Wow, you say it like you fucking did it. Heist at an airport. Well, this guy broke into my house one time and stole my weed, so then we went down there and fucked him up.

Yeah, how do you know who did it? Because a friend of mine heard from somebody else, and he called me. He's like, he's down here. It's these guys that like, it's these guys that I worked with, right? Down on the waterfront. And then I went home and all my weed was gone. I love the things that you laugh at. He laughed at waterfront on that because it was, it's just information we don't need to know. It's so funny. I went home and my stash was gone. And then I went back and like those guys never came need to know. It's so funny. I went home and my stash was gone and then I went back and those guys

never came back to work. So it was kind of, I don't know. You do look like, so you're into small, you look like a guy that Batman would beat up at the beginning. At the beginning of the movie, Batman would beat you up down at the waterfront. For sure.

Hell yeah, man You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? For some reason I feel like you have a little special passion for something Am I correct? You have some trophies on your wall for something you want to tell us about? No I don't have a funny answer for that No

I've spent my whole life failing at everything, and that's why I have to move furniture and be a dog sitter. What have you failed at? Well, I only made it two semesters into college, and that wasn't working out. To be quite honest with you, when you named your resume of the jobs that you currently do, I had you at zero semesters of college.

You went a lot farther than any of us thought you did. That's pretty cool. I hope so. That's it? That's the only failure? It's two semesters? He's failed at making a goatee on his face. I'm fired from like... When you said they

stole your stash, I didn't realize you were talking about your facial hair. I can't really make that joke, but I did anyway. You do have some light-colored facial hair. It just looks like today you were like, you know what, I'm going to shave, but I'm going to start growing this goatee out today.

How many days is that goatee right there? I haven't shaved this off in like 20 years. Did you see how he pointed his middle finger at you? I know. I saw that. I haven't shaved in a while. That's some gangster shit right there. It could be.

It is. That's the kind of guy, that's the kind of furniture mover that'll beat the shit out of you. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. Four guys. Wait, so you haven't shaved since your second semester? This goatee could be the root of a lot of your problems. Right? Yeah, get rid of it.

I'll take it to heart. Andy, did you leave a girlfriend or a wife back in Seattle? I actually sort of just got dumped. Oh, really? Yeah. How long were you in a girlfriend or a wife back in Seattle? I actually sort of just got dumped. Oh, really? How long were you in a relationship for? It was like six weeks. Six weeks? Wow.

How do you get dumped after six weeks? What happened? Did she find out anything about you? I don't know. Women in Seattle are always looking to upgrade. You know what I mean? Right. She upgraded from me.

Yeah. Three semesters. They're always looking to upgrade. Have you ever been someone else's upgrade? Has there ever been a girl that's like, I'm so glad to be with you. I was with a guy that just had one semester at college. Absolutely not.

No. No. So you're thinking about moving out here? Yes, yeah. I mean, I'm down here checking it out, trying to find a place. Awesome. Well, you know what? I think you could get a lot of work here moving

people's furniture. A lot of people moving here. Business is booming for furniture moving. Yeah, that was part of the plan. It's going to be quite ironic when one day you might be moving your own furniture here to Yeah, that was part of the plan. It's going to be quite ironic when one day you might be moving your own furniture here to Austin, Texas. Do you really go to strip clubs a lot? Yeah, they know me there.

Okay, they know you. Hey, Andy. This is pretty sad. Hell yeah, and this is in Seattle. Yeah. All right. Seattle's great. They ever do any cool Seattle-themed strip club dances?

Has anyone ever danced a Kurt Cobain and then shoot themselves in the pussy at the end of the song or anything like that? They haven't done that. Seattle's great. They have weird shit. They have topless coffee shops you can go to where the people serving you are topless. Just red band there all morning and afternoon. Can I have another cup of coffee, please?

Just need to get some energy before I go to the actual strip club. That's so fun. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen at a strip club? I don't know. I mean, the only thing that comes to mind is there was this one gal with really big tits, and her trick was to light matches and then

somehow stick them on the end of her tits and they burned while she... Wow. Do you ever get kicked out for touching? They don't really do that if you know where to go. Oh. If you're savvy about your strip clubs, you can do all kinds of shit. If you know where to go,

you mean which strip club or where to touch? It's which strip club. It's an individual thing. You know what I mean? What type of touching do you do? What type of touching? Yeah, tell me about your... No, I don't think he even...

I think he skips finger. He goes straight to tongue, this fucking guy. Tries to make out with her butthole right away. Like Phil Collins, the drums haven't even come in yet, and this guy's trying to make out with her fucking bee cave. You know what I'm talking about, Austin? By the way, the best

strip club is in Austin, the Yellow Rose. If you haven't checked it out, you have to go to the Yellow Rose. Jesus, you've already been there? No, I've been there millions of times. I love the place. Millions. Millions of times. That's a big number. Hell yeah. Alright, Andy. Fun times, dude. Thanks for coming on. Thank you the place. Millions. Millions of times. That's a big number. Hell yeah. All right, Andy. Fun times, dude.

Thanks for coming on. Thank you very much. Andy Harter, everybody. He's on Instagram at andy.harter. H-A-R-T-E-R. Thank you, Andy. Oh, yeah. This band is unbelievable.

Here comes Zach Bogus again. We're very sanitary. This is a very sanitary show. Zero comedians have caught the coronavirus here on Kill Tony, by the way. I mean, we've only been doing it for five weeks, so we're going to find out later exactly the damage we did. I already had it. Yeah. I already had it. Yeah.

You already had it? It's not real. That's right. Did you have symptoms? Yeah, I lost my sense of smell. Yeah. Yeah, Tony had it awesome. Yeah.

You got it? Yeah. Was it bad? It was all right. I mean, I was sort of like wonky for a few days. I just sweated a lot at night. Sweat a lot at night. See, I have those symptoms every day.

Welcome to hell. Yeah, exactly. Pulled another name out. One word name. This should be exciting. How about some noise for Genevieve, everyone? Genevieve. Here we go. Genevieve. Genevieve.

By the way, this is the actual bucket of destiny. Made it. This is its first time in Austin here tonight. Made it from Los Angeles, California this week. This was made by the legendary Ichabod. Is he still alive? There's rumors of his death. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is, Genevieve, everybody.

Make some noise for me. I just got fired. Yeah, the place I work was crazy as hell. You get some Trump hat supporters in there buying Bibles, but then they'll have a wild email like hotfuck69 at gmail.com. I'm like, enjoy your Bibles. It was so negative. Like I went in a circle to all my coworkers. I was like, please, somebody say something positive. My coworker said, hey, my pussy tight. My manager used to make noises and shit like

I said what the hell is that he said that's the sound I make when somebody's being a vagina first of all you would think I go down the ramp like that's toxic masculinity how dare you use the vagina in such a way actually my first thought and question was is that the sound that it makes I'm just saying I've had one for about 30 years now. I've heard like a plop, plop, plop. Maybe like a squish, squish, squish. Maybe like a pfft, pfft from a queef, you know? Wow, Genevieve.

My goodness. With an ultra-tight 60 seconds. I love it. Nice to meet you, man. Hell yeah, nice to meet you. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for about five years. I'm from the Detroit scene.

We moved down here because y'all got freedom. Yes. Hell yeah, absolutely. Free at last, free at last. Oh, don't I know. How long have you been here? We've been down here for about two months. When you say we.

I came as a package deal. I came as a package deal. We got some other Michiganders. I got my boyfriend and my other friend with me. We came from Detroit. I love it. I love it. What does your boyfriend do? He is a stand-up comedian. He has a special on Amazon Prime. Wow. What's his name? Marcus Olin. I love it. That's

so cool. Coming from Detroit. What part of town do you guys live in? Well, I'm actually from Detroit. They're from the suburbs. Oh, yeah. I love it. That's so cool. Coming from Detroit. What part of town do you guys live in? Well, I'm actually from Detroit. They're from the suburbs. Oh, yeah. I know what that's like. Is his real name Clarence? It's actually Tyrone.

Do they have, does he have, you know the joke? No, I'm sorry. It was an 8 Mile reference. I'm sorry. I fucked it up. Remember Papa Doc's from, do you guys have love? 8 Mile? Yeah. I don't know if you know, they don't show those kinds of movies down here

You know what I'm talking about? Palms are sweaty Yeah They didn't get that at the Barton Creek Theater You know what I mean? I don't know Genevieve, what do you do for work? Right now I'm a full timetime comedian. I love it.

Absolutely, and it shows. What did you used to do? I was a truck driver. Wow. Yeah, a female truck driver is kind of like a male nurse, you know? You assume I'm gay. Right. Hell yeah. Anything crazy ever happen out there? Hell yeah.

I used to get mistaken as a prostitute. Hell yeah. You're a lot lizard energy. I can see that. I have a lot lizard energy. Yeah, I just went to go pee and then the police pulled up and was like, are you okay? I was like, yeah, are you okay? Just doing my job.

Are these bits or is this how you do it? No, that's my life. All right. When you drive semi trucks, when you pee, do you have to stand up? Do you have to stay standing? I have stood up to pee. There you go. I had a feeling. But that's just because of my dick.

Right, exactly. 100%. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? For three years. Three years. And you guys met doing stand-up? Yeah, in Detroit. I love it. Where at in Detroit? So we met at a club called Punchline.

It was ran by Melanie Hearn. She's done you, Kill Tony, main room and belly room. I don't know all the rooms. But yeah, and Heather J. They are two, they're like junior, senior class. What do you love about Austin, Texas, now that you've been here a little bit? Man, you know, I stopped eating meat for a while and then I came down here and I had brisket.

Oh, yeah. The fat on the brisket. Was that a white girl that yelled yeah, girl? Was that a white girl? It was one of these bulimic coke heads in the front right here, yeah. She loves brisket.

The toilet eats it ten minutes later. I love you, though. He loves you. Sorry, never mind. She's crying. Genevieve, you ever get into a cat fight before? More like She-Hulk fight. You know, because I got the veins in my neck. I'm just, you know.

I swear to God, these are bits. I swear to God. It seems like it, right? It does. It's a fucking machine. I love it. Genevieve, what else in your life do you love to do other than stand-up comedy? I do love dancing.

Really? Cliche, I know. What kind of dancing? What do you like to dance to? I love house music. House music? Yes. Detroit is known for jittin' and house music and Chicago and stuff like that.

You know what I mean? You know, this show has a history of, oh, shit. Look at this. Do it. Michael Gonzalez. How many of you want to see or do a little dance for you guys, huh? Wow.

It's all good. I haven't made it to a gay club here. Last time I went to a gay club in LA, I got my friend laid. Oh shit. Look out. Was he gay? No, he met the only straight girl there. Wow.

Look at that. At least that's what he tells us to keep face. Yeah, exactly. Do you got a little bit of nerd in you? A little like anime? The nerdiest thing about me, I like Sherlock Holmes a lot. Oh, what? Like I watched the BBC version, the elementary version.

What's the guy who played Blackface in Tropic Thunder? I'm into the Hardy Boys, so I get it. You know, like I'm a creep when it comes to the Hardy Boys. I'm more of like a nerd for comedy. You like the Hardy Boys? Is that what, would you say that that's what most black people know Robert Downey Jr. from was just the time he did Blackface? Hold on, let me get my all black people phone.

Like no Iron Man, no uh... I forgot to call black Twitter today, I'm sorry. He is a, I mean he pulled, he's the only guy

to do blackface and like really pull it off. Oh he really did. Where everyone was like yeah pretty good. How long of a set have you done before?

The longest I've done is about 25. Really? I'd love to have you at the Death Squad show at Vulcan. I would love. Wow. Look at that. February 11th. I'll

talk to you after the show. Same as my Instagram. See Genevieve. I'll talk to you. I thank y'all so much. There you go. Genevieve getting work out of her show tonight. She'll be famous. Yep. Oh, absolutely. She'll be famous. Very famous. You're going to say you saw her here first.

She's on social media at CGenevieve. One letter C. And then G-E-N-I-V-I-V-E. Speaking of IV, I had some liquid IV today. Boy, do I feel good. God, it's great. That stuff is unbelievable. Yes.

Truly. It really is the best. It's not even their episode, but I'm just saying I love that stuff. You guys having fun out there? How about people in the back? You guys having fun? Wow. Make some noise for your next comedian.

He goes by the name of Colin Falstad. Colin Falstad. I'm flying through him here tonight. On to the next one is the great Jay-Z one set. There's a million ways to get it. Choose one. It's Colin Falstad coming up to this stage. Here he comes. Here we go. He's masked up.

The band sounds amazing. Absolutely. Follow the band. Oh, here he is. Colin Fulstad, everybody. What up, everybody? I don't know if you can tell by my head, but I do smoke weed. All right, we got that out of the way.

I recently got a new drug dealer. Nice thing about a new drug dealer is they make you do the drug for free To make sure you're cool Turns out I'm pretty fucking cool guys I like to celebrate 420 There's a little dilemma though Same day as Hitler's birthday

Total buzzkill But I can say this same day as Hitler's birthday. Total buzzkill. But I can say this. I do smoke weed every day like it's Hitler's birthday. I've been Colin Fulstad. Thank you very much. There it is, a minute from Colin Fulstad. Well-written short jokes. Colin, you got up last week and this week.

Yes, sir. The magical bucket. Are you an overall lucky guy? Don't call me sir. You will soon. I'm sorry. Listen up, punk. How'd you get on two weeks in a row? I'm a lucky boy.

Are you? When's another time in your life that you've been lucky? When I was born. Yeah? Your good looks? Thank you, Tony. I guess, if you call this good looks. We learned that he works at an IPA brewery, right?

Yeah. It's pretty cool, huh? Front of the house. You feel all right about yourself? You seem sad about it. Come on, don't point that out, dude. I'm just trying to live. You have real off-duty lesbian energy right now. I don't know what's going on.

Lesbian that just got out of her job. All she wants to do is eat pussy. I love his look. He's like one of those guys that can get really skinny but his face will stay fat and cute. I was born just a cute. Oh, yeah. I was born just a head. That's it.

Look at that fucking round thing. Look at that. It's the same size cheek to cheek. Is it his chin to top of the head? Do you judge people and stuff like that? Oh, yeah. 100%. Look, kid, you got everything going for you stand-up-wise. Only thing, we got to get that face in a little bit,

and you're going to make it big. What was that sound? Wow. Getting points over here for these. Colin, tell us something crazy about you we didn't talk about last week that you think that people might find interesting about you. I have a transgender sister.

Is that cool? Is that cool? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Alright. Whatever, Texas. Absolutely. So your transgender sister, that means that used to be your brother.

Correct. How long has that been going on for? Probably six years. So you can fuck him now. That. Right. How long has that been going on for? Probably six years. So you can fuck him now. That's awesome. Redman, I don't think you know how that works. Six years, though. That's pretty good. She was like ahead of the trend. She was. So she did it for real, not for the trend.

Oh, for real, for real. I appreciate that. She's committed. When I talked about you getting your head slimmed down, that's not what I was talking about. She did committed, you know? When I talked about you getting your head slimmed down, that's not what I was talking about. She did it before you. Did she give it to you as like a gift or anything like that? She cut it? Okie dokie.

Perhaps a little mason jar? Does it look like a little pickle or something? I have an extra ball now inserted. I know I've said something wrong when Red Band's laughing hysterically. I'm like, oh, I crossed a line. There's a little alarm that sits next to me. Pickle penis in a jar. I love it.

No, does she still have it? How does that work exactly? She went through with the whole surgery. Right. That's great. Is she hot now? Like nerdy hot. She takes the glasses off. Oh shit.

Does she play football? No. We thought she was going to be gay. It was kind of obvious. But not that obvious. Has she let you look at it? I don't want to see that. You don't want to see?

What about Christmas time? that you look at it? I don't want to see that. You sure? You don't want to see it? Come on. What about Christmas time? There's a little something under the Christmas tree. Smells a little funky. Why are you guys... The crowd, they're really turning on us.

I know, it's wild. No, they don't like it. Even if we were saying the funniest things in the world about transgender people, they'd still be like, I don't like the subject matter.

I don't like it. Tuck it or fuck it. You know what I mean? I have two sisters. If one of them trans, I'd be like, yo, let me see that. I want to see your dick.

100%. I like how you trans like a verb. She transed. Sorry, transition. There you go, yeah. God, ever since your brother, you've been a real asshole. It changed my life, dude. I love it.

So what surprised you about that process of your brother becoming your sister? Well, when she came out, I didn't know what transgender was. So I thought she was a hermaphrodite at first. I was like, you had both the whole time? And I'm just an idiot, I guess. was like, you had both the whole time? I'm just an idiot. Let me ask you this. Six years ago?

Makes sense? Okay, cool. If she had both, would you want to see it then? Maybe. That might be different. There you go. Isn't that crazy? If there's one thing, they refuse to look at it. But if they have both things, you would have sneaked a little peek.

That was made by the Lord, not by man, so you got to take in the beauty. Okay. I'm so glad you made that silly face afterwards. I'm like, wow, if he's being serious, this is about to go to a whole other place. Why is everyone so weird about this?

It is kind of weird. It's not that weird. We're open about it. In LA, saying you have a nice, we're open about it. In L.A., saying you have a transgender sister gets a standing ovation. Just to let you guys know how different the two places are. Yeah, the party begins. Genevieve comes up, starts dancing again.

It's a whole party. All right, Colin, you got up this week and last week. Congratulations. Another new minute. Good jokes. There he goes, Colin Volstead. All right, let's do something. I got a little something up my sleeve.

One of our regulars from Los Angeles, California, believe it or not, is here tonight for you, everyone. This guy famous for his unbelievably great joke writing, his incredible roasting skills. He's here, tonight, right now. He's falling in love with Austin, Texas. I'm going to give him a big welcome. It's David Lucas,

everybody. Wow, it really is him. Come on, David Lucas. David Lucas. Got a little Black History Month joke. I just want white people to know that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton do not represent niggas.

Those are the worst representation of niggas that y'all could have possibly picked for us. Like, if I got shot by a police officer, I'd rather have a Klansman speak over my body than Jesse Jackson. I'd rather have Donald Trump speak over my body than fucking

Al Sharpton. Like, he was a very big man, humongous man. Why is it that you feel more naked with shoes on when you're naked than just regular naked? Like, being naked with shoes on feels naked as fuck. Like, you feel nasty. regular naked. Like, being naked with shoes on feels naked as fuck. Like, you feel nasty. If you just regular barefoot naked,

it just feels regular. Like, what the... Alright, thank you guys. Fuck yeah. David Lucas. Welcome back. Here he is. Hell yeah. What's up, baby? Looking good. Thank you, bro.

Is that a new hat? You got a new bucket hat? Yeah, man. You know, I'm a country boy, so I got... Yeah, I'm trying to get some white hoes, so I'm just trying to... It seems like it's working. I don't know. These chicks throw up so soon after eating, you might be able to re-eat what they already

ate, sort of like a baby bird. You could save a lot of money at the restaurants re-eating the food that these chicks want to vomit into your throat. I like them kind of hoes. What? I like them kind of hoes that only get like one drink and a salad. That's it. Absolutely. And they're wasted after that one drink, for sure.

Yeah. This the fool who got fired from SNL? Yep. I fuck white people like that. You know what I'm saying? When you go against the grain. I didn't know you was that goddamn tall nigga. Fuck. Yeah, thanks man. You look like Larry Birdson.

Yeah. Big ass white boy. I don't know if y'all can see his legs. This motherfucker. The rare compliments from David Lucas. I'll tell you what. I know you try to be mean to guys like me, but I think you and

me get along. I can tell. We're the same type of person. We're the same type of person, bro. The naked with shoes on joke's incredible.

Thank you, man. It was one of those you said it. I was like, man, that's very... And then the thought of a man naked in shoes.

Just instantly just gay. See, he tagged my jokes up. See, we already fucked with him. No, it's true. You guys have the same hat and everything. I love it. Tony, you're dressed like a dildo mechanic.

A dildo mechanic? Why would you say that? There's no such thing, people. Why are you laughing at that? Why are you laughing at me being a dildo beginner? Anyway, bring your dildo down onto the shop. I'll get it all tuned up for you. I just put it in my mouth and it comes out perfectly molded.

I love it. Hell yeah. So what have you been doing while here in Austin? What did you do today? I worked out. What? This one. What?

Bro, I could probably do like five push-ups, dog. Are you talking about the dessert treat? No, five real push-ups, dog. Really? Yes. What do you do, cheese curls? Oh, dog. I bet I can knock three push-ups right now. Three? Wait, wait,ups, dog. I'm strong. Yes. What do you do? Cheese curls? Oh, dog. I bet I can knock three push-ups right now.

Three? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. Did anybody just hear him go, I can do five, I can do five. I can do three right now. I worked out early. I worked out early. It's like that Jewish joke.

Yeah. $20. What do you want $10 for? This is like Rocky Road. Oh, my god. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Oh yeah. Feel the burn. Feel the burn.

My God. I just lost two pounds watching that. Hey, bro, I'm a fat nigga with strength. My goodness. What other kinds of workouts do you do? What do you do, like pizza box jumps? You do dildo skips. Oh, come on.

How do you know about that? Tony played freeze tag, but you got to touch his ass to unfreeze him. I don't freeze until I feel that breeze. You know what I'm talking about, people? I love it. What else? What other workouts did you do? So we did some bent over rows. Some what?

What does that look like? You would love it. What is it? Bent over rolls. It sounds like a dessert. No, bent over rolls. All of your rolls. Oh, rows.

Yeah, you got to assume the position that you normally assume. Normally you just do rows of chips ahoy or something like that, right? We did bent over rows. We did some bench press and squats and some mitt work, some boxing. Okay. You hit the bag of potato chips? I can't help myself. I gotta ask.

So you normally talk shit on everybody up here, right? Yeah. So when you and me, everybody up here, right? Yeah. So when you and me, we crossed in the stairwell, were you talking shit in your head? I crossed you? Yeah, we walked past each other. Bro, I thought, I see all of these white boys looking like. You know what I'm saying? I didn't even know I crossed.

I don't look anything like those guys. Bro, I never seen you in person. But he said, that's my line. The punk. The punk. Deep madness. I never seen you in person. But he said, that's my line. The punk. The punk. Deep madness. I never seen you in person, but I knew who you was. I probably thought you was somebody's security guard.

Because you're big as shit. How old are you, like six-four? No. Well, I'm six-three. What are you, six-four? Chill, dude. Chill on that. Oh, the price of what?

How long are you at Austin? Just tonight. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. Oh, okay. I was about to say, come do my show Thursday. Ah, fuck. Oh, shit. Did you just hear him plug his own show right there?

Did I say where it was at? I love it. No, you're all good. Look at the sweat forming on your chest from those five push-ups. No, this is how the shirt's made. It's called fashion. Oh, yeah. I don't know about fashion.

This guy's wearing my fucking... Red Band, are you serious? Red Band, you look like a struggling werewolf, nigga. Struggling werewolf? You trying to roast him? I can sort of see it. What? Grandfather werewolf, nigga.

Where's my keys, wolf? It does look like he borrowed Hulk's pants. Oh, so you really want to do this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are we out of treats? Are we out of treats? Opening the can of worms over here.

You look like that nigga from Matilda who had to eat all the cake on the stage. I love it. Hell yeah, bro. I love it God damn it I could have come up with something better about those fucking pants It wasn't worth it You look like you do leather couch reviews He actually does I've watched some of those videos lately.

I've been watching leather couch reviews. Sometimes I'm watching leather couch reviews and I'm like, is that Shane Gillis? From Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast? But no, the incredible thing about David, he normally wears ripped jeans. He doesn't really have a choice in that matter. But the new thing is this

camouflage fishing hat. I love this look on you. You want to see my braids? Okay, I guess so. Gang gang, that shit tight. Oh my god, look at those candy cornrows. You got a headache, dog? That camo hat on you look like

Forrest Plump. Oh god, you look like a... What do I look like? A dildo superintendent? The superintendent of all the commission a dildo? Nah, bro. You look like the head janitor that's in charge of wiping down bus seats.

You look like the bus, bro. I love it. David, you did it again. Another incredible set. Great jokes. Thanks, bro. So much fun to always have you here roasting. When are you going to come back to Austin again?

On the 19th. 19th? He just keeps coming back. Until I can find a girl who will let me stay at her place for free. Oh, shit. Oh, look at that. Oh, shit. Oh, one of the bulimic white girls just threw up in her mouth a little bit.

Look at that. That's exciting. Oh, yeah? Hit me up on Instagram. You know the ground. Oh, shit. The poor white guy with these white girls that are clearly responding to David Lucas. You might want to put another mask on over your face, sir.

It's embarrassing what's happening here. How about one more time for David Lucas, everyone? There he goes. Great stuff, David. Absolutely. Look at that bucket hat. Oh, yeah. I got friends in low places.

How about one more time for David? All right. A little change of pace happening here. I can tell just by the name that this person's going to be different than David Lucas. Make some noise for Zach Silverman. Zach Silverman. Yeah. Guaranteed. Whole different vibe.

Guaranteed. Coming to this stage. Here he comes. How about one more time for this band? Am I right, people? Fuck yeah. I mean, all night long. By the way, follow the old band, guys.

You know Jeremiah's doing Jeremiah Wonders. Joel has Mostly Sorry. We love those guys. We miss them. Hey, look, it's Zach Silverman, everyone. Here he is. Hello. A little bit about me. I'm a really bad Christian. I'm a bad Christian. I drink.

I smoke. I'm a Jew. I'm bad at it. My name is Zach Silverman. I'm a Jew from New Hampshire, just like the great Sarah Silverman, and if you know him, my Uncle Marv. And yeah, guys, to tell you the truth, I'm actually only half Jewish, but trust me when I say that in New Hampshire, they round up. A lot of people drinking here tonight, that's great. My drink of choice is a cocktail called the Black-Eyed Susan. Great drink, terrible name, the Black-Eyed Susan. Maybe the worst name for a cocktail ever, until I heard the original name for the drink, which was Shut Your Whore Mouth Susan. Black Eyed Susan.

For an alcoholic beverage, why not just call it domestic abuse juice? Or a Cosbypolitan. Yeah. That's all I got for a minute There you go, Zach Silverman New Hampshire Yeah, thank you

My goodness, look at your skin tone Have you ever been outside before? Couple times You are just as white as it gets, huh? That's truly ghostly You don't like fat faces or pale? No, not at all. You think you're pale?

You got those rosy red fucking cheeks brought to you by fucking Bud Light. Jesus, you're like fucking David Lucas compared to this guy's skin tone. My God. So, Zach, how long have you been here from New Hampshire? So I went to college here and then moved back to New Hampshire for like three years. And then I moved back here like two months ago. Uh-huh. Yeah.

You went to Texas? I went to St. Edwards University. Wow. Yeah. Go what? What's your mascot? It's a hilltopper. It's like a goat.

What? Yeah. It's as silly as it sounds. Wow. Do you guys have sports? Club sports, yeah. Club sports? Yeah. What's as silly as it sounds. Wow. Do you guys have sports? Club sports, yeah. Club sports? Yeah.

What does that even mean? Like you pay money to play. Wow. What did you play? Rugby. Get the fuck out of here. No. They let you play rugby?

Did you have to pay double or something? No, I was bad at it. Yeah, you were very bad at it. No, I know. You were there. Jewish rugby? Yeah, you'd be surprised. It's a Catholic school.

They only diddled one person. That's the priest there. Wow, this fucking angry Christian alumni from your school will shut her fucking Christian piehole. You gonna confess about this on Sunday? It's been three weeks. I couldn't

shut my mouth on Monday's Kill Tony episode. Alright. So why did you go to a Christian university if you're half Jewish? They gave me a lot of money. The Jewish answer. Wow, that makes a lot of sense. My goodness. Wow, look how he naturally dances to that. You could tell he didn't even

want to, but he couldn't help it. Wow. Oh my goodness. That's incredible. He fucking lives for this shit. What's the most Jewish thing about you? Tell these people. Probably my name and the fact that I got swastikas drawn on my car in high

school. That was pretty Jew-y. Oh, wow. High school. Did you go to a Christian high school? No, public. Oh, yeah. Those normal people. Yeah, they'll get you. Right. Okay. You said you're half Jewish. That's your dad? Yeah, that's my dad. Right. And your mom's what?

Protestant. Okay. You almost called her a prostitute there. That's what I was thinking. A prostitute? I love it. What does your dad do for work? He's a teacher. Really? What's he teaching? He teaches woodshop.

He's a Jewish carpenter. Wow. Okay. Woodshop? Hell yeah. That makes sense it's Jewish because he would shop

if the prices went so high am I right I'm excited about that joke I think that's I think that's a real standout on this episode for me very rarely do you get to do

a Jewish wood shop how much wood would a wood shop alright is your dad rough on you Because you want to be a comedian No he loves it

Really Yeah Are you in any way related to Sarah Silverman No not at all Because she's from New Hampshire And everyone in high school asked me And it's like no it's a pretty common name Silverman.

She probably paid enough money to someone so that everyone there forgets about her. No, we all know. There's like four celebrities from New Hampshire, and she's one. So we all know. Oh, my goodness. Who are the other three? Adam Sandler. Jesus.

Seth Meyers. Jesus. More like Jew Hampshire, am I right? My God. And Buzz Aldrin. Hampshire, am I right? My God. And Buzz Aldrin. Oh, he's Jewish? No, Buzz is the non-Jew. Buzz is like, get me away from all these Jews, I'll go anywhere.

Send me to the moon if you have to. Is New Hampshire live, free, or die? Yes. Makes a lot more sense. Yeah. We were hoping you would choose the die part. No, I'm kidding, Zach. I'm We were hoping you would choose the die part. No, I'm kidding, Zach. I'm sorry.

Do you ever go to New Hampshire? You're over there on the Upper East Coast. Yeah. I don't think I have. I've been to Vermont. Never New Hampshire. Yeah. There's nothing there, right? There's nothing there.

What's there? Heroin. Really? You ever do heroin? No. No. No. That's why I'm so pale.

Because you don't do heroin? Yeah. You're the skin tone of a guy that does do heroin. You look really healthy when you do heroin, I guess. Yeah, you do. You look relaxed. Really? No.

Yeah. You got a Seth MacFarlane vibe. Oh, yeah. I get that a lot. You do? I do. Huh. I don't like that you get that a lot.

Zach, tell us something else crazy about it. Any special skills or talents that we should know about other than a rugby? I mean, that's pretty interesting. That's pretty unique. No, I'm pretty worthless. Come on, there must be something. You did something for a talent show once or something? You ever hook up on Tinder or

something crazy? Have a crazy story from a hookup app? J-Date? Never been on J-Date? You should, because it's the only one that accepts coupon codes. That's... Red band. Red band. Red band.

I just got a puppy, and this morning I taught him to roll over. That was pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. What kind of puppy? Shut up. A German Shepherd? Yeah, actually.

Is it really a German shepherd? I think so. It's a mix. It looks like a German shepherd. Wow, it's like you. It's a mix. Pinch your nipples when you pet that puppy, huh? Yeah.

Wow. I don't know what I'm talking about. I think somebody's putting alcohol in Red Band's drinks tonight. Talking about a puppy touching your nipples. Whatever. All right, Zach. Congratulations. How much longer are you in? You live here now? I. All right, Zach. Congratulations. How much longer are you in?

You live here now? I live here now, yeah. What part of town do you live in? South Lamar. Somebody just went, ew. You know what else is on South Lamar? CM Smokehouse. They made delicious food for us here tonight.

Oh. There goes Zach Silverman, everybody. He's at Zach Silverman, Z-A-C. All one word. Silverman. Zach Silverman. Alright. Where's Zach Bogus? Where's Zach Bogus at? There he is. Alright. Ready to go. I'm gonna do a turnover

here. I'm excited to bring up your next comedian, everybody. We're gonna do something special. No. Before going back to the bucket, there's one guy from the first episode here in Austin, five weeks ago. Brand new stand-up comedian.

But I absolutely loved his style and his fucking look and delivery. And I wanted to see him write a new minute and come back and do it again. So I told him a month ago that in a month, he can come back and do it again. So I told him a month ago that in a month, he can come back and have an automatic spot. It's been a month.

This is his new minute. He's waited a month for this. How loud can this place get? For J.P. Hinsdale, everyone. Come on. Hey. When I was eight years old, my mom's fiance took me and his son to go ride horses at his friend's ranch.

And the first thing my mom's fiance's son did when we got on the horses was slap my horse on the ass. So my horse takes off running, right? And it becomes pretty clear soon that the straps that hold the saddle on are loose. So slowly but surely, I start to spin underneath the horse as it is running. Yeah. If that wasn't bad enough, and if I wasn't scared enough, all of a sudden I started to feel something poking me in the back of the head like this.

Yeah, if you're not falling, if you don't, I don't know, you can pretty much tell what's going on. Basically, the friction of an eight-year-old boy rubbing underneath a horse made him feel something. Yeah, I wish I could tell you that

the ranch owner got to me before the horse finished. I really wish I could tell you that. Thank you. That's been my time. Yeah, J.P. Hinsinsdale breaking a microphone over his head at one point to he's getting down to pick up his inhaler

he took a knee a lot of comedians drop the mic after their set he dropped his inhaler before his set very rare in the comedy world do we see that JP I'm guessing that's a true story because it has to be yes anytime anybody says gamey

I remember the smell of horse come yeah wow and i figured where did it where did it end up coming um pretty much all over me wow did you return the favor did you come back on the horse no i was locked in the you know because look i'm in la i'm from la i was wearing la gears and you know, because, look, I'm from L.A. I was wearing L.A. gears, and, you know, people that ride horses know that you're supposed to wear cowboy boots. So the minute I had those shoes in, I was pretty much locked into the saddle. So I just had to wait until he was finished. I don't think you're ever really locked into anything. Well, okay.

You ever go to amusement parks? I love that okay is one of my favorite responses. I've never heard somebody from L.A. wearing L.A. gear. Like, that's a thing. None of us do that. It is a thing when you're poor. Okay. Oh, Jesus, Jake.

You fell on the side of the horse and just went straight underneath? Yeah, while I was running. And then he came on you? Pretty much. Pretty much. Yeah. It was a lot of cum. Yeah, it was.

It was like a Teen Choice Award. It was like, yeah. I got slimed. I mean, it was, there was weeks of showers that it just, you never felt clean again. So you had one of those weird seatbelts when you wore a, when you were on a saddle that kept you in the saddle? No, I was locked into the fucking stirrups. Right, your feet were in the stirrups. Yeah, I couldn't get them out because I had tennis shoes on.

And then the next thing you know, a horse is coming on your face. Pretty much. Are you sure you're not lying? Am I sure I'm not lying? I'm just being a dick, sorry. Really? I'm just being a horse dick. Yeah, I just felt that there was a lack of equine erotica,

so I figured I'd just fill you in with some more. Secretary, it's safe with us. Yeah, thank you. Nay means nay. You come on your head, he give you a little triple crown. Oh, yeah. It was pretty gross. Wow, that's fucking disgusting.

What made you ride a horse? What were you doing? Why were you doing this? Okay, he was just engaged to my mom, and I guess he was trying to bond or whatever, and he worked at Santa Anita, and he knew this guy that actually rescued racehorses, like the ones that didn't win.

Oh, it was a rescue horse. Yeah, so I kind of like to think that somebody else got fucked by that horse more than I did by putting money on him. Wow. My goodness. I'm trying to picture this. Yeah. It's incredible. So who was your mom engaged to?

John Dees with a very important question over there. Who is your mom engaged to? I thought it was the horse. So I was trying to figure it out. No. She mom engaged to? I thought it was the horse. So I'm trying to figure it out. No, she was engaged to this guy that worked at Santa Anita. Face the audience. Face the audience.

I'm sorry. I mean... Damn. It sucks that you have to explain this obvious lie for like 10 minutes. It sucks that people are really like, so what happened next? You have to be like,

uh... Yeah, okay. I'm sorry, man. Just joking around. You're good, JP. So you're brand new at stand-up, am I correct? Yeah, it's been about four months now. Four months now. You're absolutely adorable. Thank you. Last time you were on, your set was

sort of, you know what I mean? Four months, it's hard to do. This is not an easy show to do. 60 seconds. You have to get them quick and keep them and hit them a lot. And you have to basically do what the horse did to you. Basically, yeah. And it's not easy. But last time during the interview part, I found out a bunch of interesting stuff about you,

and you were hilarious during the interview part. Do you think there's something that I didn't cover with you a month ago that I'd find interesting or that I should ask about? I mean, there's plenty to know. I mean, I feel bad, because you and me had a good thing going, and I kind of held back on the fourth bird story, because it was kind of fucked up. I have some Catholic guilt about it. About what?

The fourth bird story. The fourth bird? Remember I told you I got locked in an aviary four times? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's right. This guy's been, strangely enough, he's been locked in four different bird aviaries. A lot of animal problems.

Yeah, I do. I mean, yeah. There's definitely something going on there. Keep this guy away from the zoo. Yeah, pretty much. Jack Hanna, stop. Yeah, pretty much. Jack Hanna-stuff. So, yeah, it was... It's just kind of a messed up story, so I didn't know...

Go ahead. Tell us the messed up... How many of you want to see this guy implicate himself in a felony here tonight? Here we go. Okay, I gotta set a few ground rules before I tell this story. Okay, me too. Don't hit yourself in the head with a microphone. Okay. Two things you should know.

On and off, I lived with my grandmother. Me and my mom lived with my grandmother as a child. You know, throughout my childhood. Also, my mom dated four guys from three different criminal organizations. So,

I can't be too specific about everything that happened right but things got pretty fucked yeah so basically what happened was my mom was seeing this one guy and he was kind of like i don't know how to explain him he was like the money guy for his organization and my mom kind of like became his like i don't know what you call it, crime wife or whatever. Whore. Whore. Yeah. Yeah.

The word you're looking for now is crime wife. I like crime wife. It makes her sound classier. I'm just joking. I'm sorry. No, that's fine. I've heard worse. Face the audience and tell the story. Okay.

Sorry. So basically what happened was she was with this guy, and he was like the money guy for his organization. We heard this part, JP. Come on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Anyways, so after a while, she's like, no, I want to be your wife for real, but he had a wife. Right. So that wasn't going to happen. So she started dating this other dude that sold weed out of a food truck. Oh, shit. Sounds like your type of dream dad.

Yeah. So she started doing whatever the early 90s version of ghosting is, and she was hanging out with this guy. It was called ghosting then, too, except when people said it, they thought of Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. Yeah. So she's seeing this guy and apparently the first thing people

with drug money do is buy a shit load of parrots. Yeah. Okay, so it wasn't an aviary, but he just had a 20 fucking parrots. Who the fuck buys... Jesus Christ. How many of those parrots came on you? None of them came on me, but it gets worse.

It does... You didn't see the old fucking parrot carrot? No, but this is what happened. So my mom wanted to go out with this guy one night and leave me at his house, and I said, you're not leaving me here with the birds. I'm six, okay? Yeah.

Never mind, I'm sorry. Go ahead, if you have a question. How are you and your mom now? I'm terrified of her. Yeah, she sounds pretty... Yeah. She was just fucking guys with parrots and dropping you off? Yeah. And this was the worst part. The guy thought it would...

The guy thought I'd get over my fear of birds if he taught all the parrots my name. So the whole night, the parrots are just talking to me because I'm the only fucking person in the house. Oh my God. JP, don't be scared. I want to be your friend.

So after a while... JP, you want a cracker? Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty much that. So after a while, the mob boss guy, he gets kind of suspicious. Hey, what the fuck you doing with my parrot?

Get the fuck out of here. No reason to ferret. It's a fucking parrot. Get the fuck out of here. Are you afraid of birds? What are you, a rat? You can't. I've been waiting to do mob bird jokes for 36 years.

Go ahead. I like that you to do mob bird jokes for 36 years. Go ahead. I like that you keep calling him a mob boss. It sounds like a guy who just sold weed that your mom fucked. No, I mean, he was... I thought he was like Tony Soprano. No, it wasn't Italian. Why does everybody always assume Italian?

But anyways... They're like us. These parrots are like us. A bunch of good fellas. This is fucking, this is Toucan Two Eyes. This is Jimmy the Beak. This is fucking Frankie Feathers over here. And then there was, and then there was.

All right, go ahead, JP. Tell the fucking bird story. Okay, so. Get the crackers, the crackers. I'm gonna go get the Okay. Get the crackers. I'm going to go get the crackers. Get the crackers. Alright, JP, keep lying. Alright, listen up, crackers. Here we go.

So, after a while, the mob boss gets a little... This Pauly is spelled a little bit differently. Every mob movie has a Pauly who's a big boss in it. I can't stop myself. Hey, Pauly want a fucking cracker.

Go get Pauly his crackers. Okay. Go ahead. After a while, the mob boss gets a little suspicious. He finally got his wings, the fucking guy. Yeah. got his wings, the fucking guy.

Yeah. JP, stop breaking microphones on your fucking thick skull. Knock it off, JP. Okay. Jesus Christ. So anyways, the mob boss starts to get suspicious, and one day he just picks me up from school. Oh, yeah.

You know you're about to get fucking whacked at this point. Hey, I just wanted to give you a ride. What's wrong with that? Get in the back. Apparently. Now why don't you sit shotgun. Tommy, you sit behind him. Grab the ice pick out of the trunk. Go ahead, JP. Okay. I'm sorry, I've never

had mafia birds before. Are you sure? Anytime I hear something new, I get excited. Okay. So he picks me up from school because apparently my mom at one point registered him as my father. So he just picks me up from school. He takes me out for ice cream, buys me a toy, and he starts asking me if my mom has any new friends. Yeah. Oh, yes.

Keep in mind, I'm six. I don't know what the fuck is going on. So of course I say there's this dude. Let's call him Mike. I don't like him. He has too many fucking birds. So it takes about a week for his guys to track Mike down.

They beat him into a coma. Yeah. Wow. They beat down your mom's new boyfriend. Yeah. They beat him into a coma. Yes. He's going to sleep with the parents.

Yeah. And then there was Pete the Tweet, and then there was... Yeah. I mean, he was in a coma for like a week. They thought he was going to die. It was really bad. So I felt, and my mom got in my face about it. It's like, it's all my fault.

I'm a fucking rat. How dare you tell people my fucking business. Mom called you a rat. Yeah, it's not the worst thing she's ever said. Six-year-old. Yeah. Well, anyways. What was the toy?

What was the toy? It was a stuffed dinosaur. A stuffed dinosaur. There you go, kid. It's something that's not a fucking bird for you to play with. Okay, go ahead. So she goes back to him for a while. The guy finally gets out of the hospital.

But being a single drug dealer, nobody fed his parrots. So, yeah. Wait, the guy in the coma? Yeah. Oh, I get it now. Yeah. All right. So he... Do you think they were, like, yelling your name? Yeah. Oh, I get it now. Yeah. All right. So he...

Do you think they were, like, yelling your name? Yeah, maybe. As they all died? They were like, JP! They didn't, you know... You fucking rat! The last thing they learned. You fucking rat!

Yeah. JP! Yeah. Share some of that poo, JP. JP, we're fucking starving. So you've been eating for them ever since. Pretty much. I've been eating my feelings.

I've been eating my guilt. The ghost of those parrots. My guilt, yeah. Hello. Yeah, parrots actually only live 48 hours without food. Yeah, like other birds. That's crazy. You guys could have bonded over that.

Yeah. Awesome. JP also will die if he doesn't eat for 48 hours. It's true. Once I start losing mass, I'm fucked. Thank goodness gracious. Anyway, it goes on. Yeah, go ahead.

Okay. So she goes back to him for a couple months, and I wake up one morning because I hear banging on the walls at my grandma's house. And I wake up, and it's like like i know it's like an hour after i'm supposed to go to school so i'm like what the hell's going on so i walk over to my mom's room and not only is she not there but her bed is made like she's never been there and yeah and then um so i'm still here in bane moving about the house someone's walking around the house just banging on the walls just going nuts right and i'm terrified and all of a sudden

i hear the phone ring in the kitchen and i that's not even a bird red band okay and then the phone i have a dolphin story just wait for it no no it's okay go ahead so Okay, and then the phone... I have a dolphin story. Just wait for it. No, it's okay. Go ahead. So I crawl over the phone because I'm like, I can call for help. So I pick up the phone. I'm like, Mom, somebody's trying to get in the house because it's her. And she's like, I know. It's George. I don't want to ever see him again.

Tell him his shit's at the front door. He can fuck off. Click. Wow. And then what happened? I had to go to the front door and had a mob boss two hefty bags full of his shit and tell him my mom didn't want to see him anymore. Wow. You had to do

the dirty work, huh? Yeah. Come on, kid. Let me get you another fucking dinosaur. What do I gotta do? Let me in. Let me in. JP, come on. I don't even care about the fucking birds anymore. Alright. Let me in, JP, come on I don't even care about the fucking birds anymore Alright, well Don't tell these stories anymore

Okay Alright Not unless someone's there with you To really bring out the fucking Meat and potatoes of it Okay But JP, again, I'm telling you Your 60 seconds, I could almost describe it as god-awful.

However, however, however, just same thing as I said a month ago, you during the interview part, you're adorable. Look at that fucking smile. Show the audience that smile I'm seeing. Look at this fucking guy. He hit his inhaler before his set.

He's just a big fucking sweetheart. Look at this guy. He's actually a big fucking sweetheart. Look at this guy. He's actually the other guy's transgender sister. This is what she looks like now. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm living my best life. Hey, man. I'm so happy that you came back.

Write another minute. Sign up again. Hopefully, we pull you out of the bucket sometime. Okay. Great. Thank you. Thank you so much. J.P. Hinsdale, everyone. Whoa, what did we miss? What did we miss? Oh, he left you hanging? He left you hanging like you're one of his parents. Fuck him.

Wow. My goodness. What a cunt. Okay, be nice, Red Band. There's many things to call JP. I don't think a cunt's one of them. I just did it. How about one more time for JP Hinsdale, everyone?

Mafia Parrots. Can you believe what we heard here today? Nope. You literally unbelievable. Don't believe it. Guys, how about another hand for Zach Bogus up here like a healthy Jeffrey Dahmer just fucking

you got that shirt at Pier 1 alright a little Pier 1 roast from Red Band a rare Red Band roast pull another name out of the back you guys ready to meet another complete stranger who has no idea that they're next ladies and gentlemen Pulled another name out of the bag. You guys ready to meet another complete stranger who has no idea that they're next?

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Chris Hills. Here we go. Chris Hills. Oh, here he is. Make some noise for Chris, everybody. Come on. Yo. What's up?

Yay. Yeah. What's up? How y'all doing? Y'all good? Yeah, that's good. Yeah. As y'all can tell, this is up? Yay. Yeah, what's up? How y'all doing? Y'all good? Yeah, that's good. Yeah, as y'all can tell, this is my real voice. I'm not faking this shit, I know.

You know, having this high-pitched-ass voice, it really sucks having this high-pitched-ass voice sometimes, you know, because I can't even go to drive-thrus anymore now. Like, I can't even, well, I never could go through drive-thrus anymore, you know? Like, every time I order something, they be like, you want anything else, ma'am? I'm fucking up, all right? I'm gonna be real with y'all. I'm gonna fuck it up. Let me try this again. All right, so, slow down, slow down. Okay, all right. I didn't, I wasn't ready for this. I'm sorry. All right. As I could tell, I love music. I love music a lot. I really love music. And I was in this car. You know, that's a requirement for me.

If you want to be with me, you know, if you if you want to be with me, that's my I'm sorry. Is that. Yeah. Oh, my goodness me, that's my... I'm sorry. Oh my goodness. Listen to the oohs and the aahs. And it ended with if you want to be with me and no one wants to be with you right now. That's the saddest part. What were you trying to get to at the drive-thru joke? Let's say you panicked.

You were right there. I panicked. I did. I wasn't ready. I didn't. No one ever knows if they're getting on or when they're going on. It's a tough situation. How old are you, Chris? I'm 27. 27 years old.

Look at you. You don't look a day over 13. That is incredible. I'd pick you on my rugby team every time. Chris, 27. What do you do? What do you do for work? I'm unemployed right now.

Unemployed? Yeah. All right. What did you used to do? I used to work with kids. Okay. What did you do with kids? Huh?

Oh, wow. That's perfect. Yeah. Do I give off a Michael Jackson vibe or something? Oh, I get it now. I get it now. I get the joke now. I get the joke.

Nobody told you that? Huh? Nobody's ever told you that? No. I just like to work with kids, and I believe, you know, it don't matter if you're black or white. I can't even go through a drive-thru anymore. I'm so famous.

Hell, yeah. You got that. I can't even go through a drive-thru anymore. I'm so famous. Ow! Hell yeah. You got that. You're really good at that. Yeah. You do music of any kind? I beatbox a little bit. Okay, show us some beatboxing.

Here we go. All right. I guess I can beatbox random people's names and shit. That's pretty cool. Sure, yeah. Do anything. Miss, what's your name right here? Chandler. Chandler. All right, I'm about to beatbox Chandler's name. Y'all pretty cool. Sure, yeah. Do anything. Miss, what's your name right here? Chandler. Chandler.

Alright, I'm about to beatbox Chandler's name. Y'all ready? Hell yeah, absolutely. Alright. Chandler. Chandler. Chandler. Wow, look at that. That's incredible. My goodness gracious.

I thought I heard some, there was a part in that beatbox where I thought the parrots came back to life. That was incredible. Thank you. My goodness, that is great. And all you had to say, all you had to do was throw in the word Chandler in there

and it was like a magic trick. It was like a magic trick. It works every time. That's how you get them. That's how you get the ladies. I guess that's how you get the ladies. It's true. My goodness. If you can beatbox, you can eatbox. That's it. That's it.

The musicians go crazy. The beatbox. I should have started with that one. I should have started with that one. I should have started with that one. Chris, you're okay. You're still up here. You're in the groove right now.

You've only been up here for three minutes. You can still save this thing. You seem so defeated. Face the audience. Look at these people. How y'all doing out there, white people? Look at them right in their eyes. Tell them they don't matter.

Y'all don't matter. Yeah. But y'all do matter. I love y'all. Say, sometimes I feel like Peter Pan. Say that. I'm not going to say that shit, all right? Come on, put it behind a beat.

Bubbles had it coming. Peter Pan. So, Chris, let's talk about it. What else about you? Tell us about your life. Born and raised here in Austin, Texas? No, I was born in Colorado Springs, but I was raised in Dallas. Okay, raised in Dallas.

Did you like growing up in Dallas? Yeah, it was cool. I was raised in Dallas. Okay. Raised in Dallas. Did you like growing up in Dallas? Yeah, it was cool. I was in the suburbs, though. Uh-huh. You know, a lot of white people. A lot of white people. Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm on my fourth bloodline, dude. I'm getting rowdy. I love it. Chris, what else, man? So you beatbox? You have a girlfriend? No.

Boyfriend? Mm-mm. Yeah. Red band on the soundboard is on fire tonight between the birds and the fucking Michael Jacksons over here. Reaching out. Wow, you really can do a Michael Jackson. How many of you want to see him give a real Michael Jackson's over here. Reaching out. Wow, you really can do it. You knew you were Michael Jackson.

How many of you want to see him give a real Michael Jackson performance right now? What do you know? What can you do? These guys can do anything. The band's magical. I don't know the lyrics to this. Yes, you do. I'm going to fake it until I make it.

Nobody believes you. We know you know the lyrics to this. Yes, you do. I'm going to fake it until I make it. Nobody believes you. We know you know the lyrics to this. You wrote it. Actually, the people that told her wrote that song. Told her wrote that song. Facts. Anyways. Reaching out into the nighttime.

Nesting over everywhere. Reaching out into the nighttime. Sting-a-wing everywhere. And ting-a-wing. And to the nighttime. And I swear I'll stare. And she says, why, why? Tell him that it's human nature. Why, why? Oh, my God.

You've got to be kidding me. Why, why do you do me that way? Oh, my God. You've got to be kidding me. Why, why, what? Ooh, tell him. Ah, do you do me that way? I like living this way. I like loving this way. Oh. Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, this fucking guy, this fucking guy had the balls earlier to say, what do you mean I give off a Michael Jackson vibe? I didn't know. And then he had the balls to say he didn't even know the lyrics to the song. I didn't. Y'all heard me go. And then he told us he actually wrote the song,

but you don't know the lyrics. I mean, you know. My goodness. I just didn't want to act like a real Michael Jackson fan. Wait, why are you trying to do comedy? Huh? Yeah. Don't do comedy.

Keep singing. I will. I want to do both, but I got nervous. I got nervous. Wanted to do both. That's exactly what Michael Jackson said about the kids. I can't feel nervous, y'all. Chris.

That was awesome, man. That was fucking amazing. That was a shocking performance. Boy, you really lowered the bar. I love it. I don't even know the words. I don't know the words. I literally said,

y'all didn't believe me. Y'all just heard the band and I was like, oh, that's tight. That's cool. He's doing the song. Next time you do stand-up comedy, you write and you do it

as a young Michael Jackson. That's what we're doing from now on. You throw all that stuff in between your jokes. Those are great segues. Yeah. Or whatever.

Mama say, mama sigh and all them. Now you got crystals. Yeah. Or whatever. Mama say, mama sign all in. Now you got crystals. Yeah. You wearing crystals? Oh, yeah. There's crystals around here. What do you think of crystals? Tell me about those crystals.

I don't know anything about crystals. You just like them? I just like the way they shimmer in the light. Yeah, you are Michael Jackson, dude. Yeah, what the fuck? Hey, okay, look. I'm sorry. This weekend I watched the whole Jackson movie.

You remember the TV show series that they had with Terrence Howard and the real Jermaine Jackson? This type of audience and us, we just watched the molestation. Oh, y'all didn't watch the family version? We watched the HBO documentary. This is a white crowd. Y'all like to demonize black men all the time on Black History Month, so it's cool.

I see what is going on. Jesus, Chris passionate about this. Demonizing the black man. I think they demonizing the black man as well. I'm with you on this. I love it. So it's back to sipping another Bud Light. Oh, shit.

All right, Chris, man. I'll tell you, you know, like I said, I called this three minutes in. I go, you look defeated. We could still turn this thing around. Here we are nine minutes later. Do you have a whole Michael Jackson outfit that you could wear sometime? No. Yes, you do.

I don't. Yes, you do. No, no, no. I don't even know what he used to wear. I just know that it was all designed by... I wish you did, because I would love to have you come back and do a full-on Michael Jackson if you could. Yeah, just do it.

Just dress like Michael Jackson sometime and let us know. Like the 70s version of him? You know which version. You know which version. All right, the one after he got his head burned down. All right, I got it. You know which version. We want your version. You know which version. Alright, the one after he got his head burned down. Alright, I got it. You know which version. We want your version. Not the one that would look like Zach Silverman.

You know what I mean? We want your era of Michael Jackson. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Chris Hills, everybody. Come on. Straight out of the bucket. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, that was good. We're having fun tonight. You guys ready to go to this bucket? One more time, huh? Here's Zach Bogus. Zach Bogus wearing the curtains from a Chinese restaurant here tonight. Zach Bogus wearing the curtains from a Chinese restaurant here tonight.

Wow, this is exciting. The bucket has given. I absolutely love this guy. He was on Kill Tony fucking years ago from Dallas, Texas. I love this guy so much. I had him featuring for me in Dallas just about a month ago. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. It's the great Tony Casillas. I love this guy.

He's great. This is a Dallas comedian that I have open for me when he's available. Where's that little baby at? Where's that little baby? Here he comes. Here he comes. Here he comes. Going the completely wrong way. Chaos.

Tony Casillas, famous from Kill Tony years ago. My guy. Here he is. Tony Casillas. Austin, Texas, how are we doing tonight? When I was 18, I lost my virginity. Not trying to brag. It was pretty fun.

Met this girl in college we hook up. A few weeks later, she comes over. She goes, Tony, I think I might be pregnant. I think the baby is yours. And instantly, I was like, fuck, I'm 18. I'm not a good sharer. And all I eat is Hot Pockets. I was like, this baby's gonna have a rough fucking life. And then I thought about it. I was like, we didn't even finish having sex. Like my first time was terrible. I grew up religious. I thought premarital sex led to punishment. So after a few pumps, I was like, I pissed off God enough, and I just left.

When I told her that, she goes, Tony, maybe it was your pre-cum that got me pregnant. And I go, my pre-cum? And guys, that's when I knew I wasn't gonna like the kid. Right? Like the idea of me creating life without even feeling the pleasure of an orgasm kind of pissed me off. Guys, I didn't want to create a pre-cum baby.

Okay, I feel a little awkwardness over here. Are there some pre-cum babies? But don't worry, she wasn't pregnant. Even if she was, I was gonna to man up either for the kid. I was going to name them blue after blue balls. And I was going to do fatherly things like build them a tree house. I just wasn't going to finish it.

Volume's incredibly low on this bear. I don't know. Sorry about that. Red band left me with a half a soundboard up here. Welcome, Tony. How are you? Pretty good. How are you?

Look at you. You're fucking adorable. You're wearing clothes that healthy people would wear. I know. Where'd you get that from? Lululemon meringue? It's a fat person. Walmart, Tony.

Walmart. Walmart. Absolutely. You got that from Walmart? Dude, Walmart wants you to look fucking sick now. Really? Really? They want you to look sick?

Yeah, they're like, dude, we're paying them $12 a day to make these shirts. Let's fucking put a logo on or some shit. Wow. Hell yeah. Tony, look at you. Look out there to this audience. This is a very special obese episode of Kill Tony. It's called, it's like Phil Tony here tonight.

It's just a bunch of extremely the heavyweights of the local scene. So Tony, I've known you for years now. It feels like just yesterday, but it's been like seven years ago on this show. I feel like I called you a lesbian Drew Carey. Right? Look out. Show the audience your face again. It's funnier if you see his whole fucking head.

It was four years ago in Dallas. Four years ago in Dallas. Absolutely. And here we are. We're back again. Yes, sir. Right back at it. Don't call him sir.

Who's calling him? Why do you have all these fucking weirdos calling you sir? I know. I love it. They're sex slaves or something. I love it. I love it. I grew up in a military household.

If you didn't get called sir, you didn't come home that night. Yeah. Yeah. It was like. Hell yeah. What kind of military? Old Navy? Yeah. I didn't want to be big I was like yeah

yeah goodness gracious that color on you is just frightening the audacity to say that military life rubbed off on you in any way it did not. It did not.

Dude, my dad, a few Thanksgivings ago, my dad came up to me and he goes, Tony, I don't know what happened. I wanted to raise a killer in this household. I was like, dude, you let me sleep with a nightlight until I was 18. That's on you, bro. Yeah, that'll do it. All right. Yeah.

So what type of military was it? He was Army. He went to West Point, did that and then joined the Army. How do you make money now, Tony, when you're not doing stand-up? Right now I do a lot of photography or video editing stuff. Damn, your dad probably thinks that shit's so gay.

Holy shit, dude. Where did I go wrong with you? A fucking photographer? This past year, because shit's been going crazy, I did some OnlyFans shit. Like, did some pictures. Show your nipples? No, I took pictures for OnlyFans girls.

My dad's like, oh, that's cool. He's like, who's this girl? I was like, oh, she's the stripper. And he goes, your boss is a stripper? And then he goes, I'm proud of you, Tony. Wow. Square up to the audience. You keep turning at a 90-degree angle towards us.

You can talk to us and look that way. All these girls in their OnlyFans pictures, do they have a look of fear in their eyes because you're the one behind the camera? No. I have a long lens, so I keep a distance. Did you get horny? Did you try to put some moves on? Like, hey, I have a long lens, so I keep a distance. Did you get horny? Did you try to put some moves on?

Like, hey, I got a dick. Yeah. And if you're into tits, I got those too. I've never said to a girl, hey, I have a dick. Do you trick them into pretending you guys are friends? No. All right. That would be a little creepy.

Sorry, true. That's what I was accusing you of Do you think they noticed when you Subscribed creepily to their OnlyFans No I've never subscribed Really I just subscribed To an OnlyFans for the first time

This is the first time I did It's crap dude I'm not going to say her name Louis J. Gomez? But imagine this. Ladies deciding what porn is. Yeah, but they're bad at it. It's the bitch from the Christian University

making more noise over there. Yeah, we should decide. We should decide what the porn is. What was it? What was the kind of porn it was? I don't know. She's doing good. But.

Is she here tonight in this room? No, but, you know, I don't want to fucking. Did I take those pictures? Uh-oh. No, I love it. So, Tony, tell us more. What else has been going on? How have you been passing the time during this global pandemic?

I think I've been lucky living in Texas. We were in a pandemic for like a week. And we were like, let's fucking open shit up. Hell yeah, hell yeah. How about a moment of silence for the 400,000 guys? Oh, I love it. Nice going, Texas. I've been lucky enough to get on stage and stuff.

I love it. Do you sleep with a sleep apnea mask on? I do not. Not yet, not yet. Do people tell you that you make noises when sleep with a sleep apnea mask on? I do not. Not yet. Not yet. Do people tell you that you make noises when you have a sleepover with your buddies and whatnot? Yeah.

They do. What kind of noises did they tell you that you make? It's like a silent snore, but they say it gets progressively louder. It's called a death rattle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We actually have the sound that this is a... We have it recorded.

All right. So, Tony... That pig noise? Come on, man. That's fucking... It's... You look fine. Thank you, Shane.

Trust me, dude. Look at us. Can you subscribe to my OnlyFans, man? I'm not doing well. All right. I love it. Tony... Don't...

Oh, you make it fucking real. Stop. You made it real, Tony. That's true. I love it. you make it fucking real stop you made it real that's true i love it what's your love life like you're out there literally crushing puss i wouldn't call it that no it's all right yeah i've gone a couple of dates during the pandemic yeah it's weird like when shit's closed you're like for a first date to be like hey come to my house and then there's just paco pump, like those Funko Pop figures everywhere. It's like, that's not like a first date.

That's what you have at your first date? Yeah, it's dumb collections, yeah. How many do you have? I have like 200. It's not great. Oh, my God. Oh, it's not great, yeah. Yeah, it's not.

And do you have them out of the box? Like, you have them displayed everywhere? They're in the box box because they have that philosophy that they may be worth something one day. Oh, my God. Real retard. Yeah, real retard. You have a bunch of little fucking dolls.

You fucking creep. That's crazy. I wasn't sure if you got a lot of pussy because I've seen fat guys with confidence. You know, me. You know. But then the doll thing really sealed it. It's not good.

I'm getting rid of it. No chance. I'm moving to Austin in June, so we're going to move. Get rid of the dolls. Yeah, we're moving it. Try to trick some women. Some Bob Marley posters. What should I get to replace them?

You just got to have a career. You got to have a successful career. Do you still live with your parents? No. No. Okay. So your father's never walked into your room and been like, what is the deal with all these fucking dolls? The exact opposite. He has. Yeah. He has. He's walked into your

place and freaked out. And he was just like, why do you have all this shit? What kind of fucking fat woman did I raise? What year did he graduate West Point? It was before Vietnam, right? Yeah, he graduated in the mid-80s. So he didn't do shit.

Was it Gulf War? Gulf War. He didn't do shit, right? Dude! You should remind him. Be like, you and me have the same amount of fucking kills. This is how... Be like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I can't say too much,

but it's kind of like that bit that Tom Segura does. Like, the older they get, they tell you more. Like, my dad would be like, oh, I went to Bosnia, nothing really happened. And then two weeks ago, he goes, yeah, I would buy cars from, like, these mobsters and then blow them up after we got the mission done. I'm like, what the fuck?

That's some crazy shit. That's pretty cool. If you couldn't be more disappointed, you're up here telling his war story on the internet. How exciting. God damn it, Tony! That's top secret. Do you love being named Tony?

I absolutely love it. I wouldn't change it for the world. I always think about how lame everybody else's name is. Do you feel the same way? So my legal name is Roger Anthony Casillas III. Oh, you're not in the game at all. Fake Tony. My grandpa goes by Tony.

Fucking fake Tony. Get the fuck out of here. Go sleep with the parrots. Get the fuck out of here. But both my grandpas are named Anthony and go by Tony, so I want one. The sound of those fucking birds. It's unbelievable.

Sounds like R2-D2 birds. It does. All right. Well, Tony, so much fun. You've been doing great work. You're actually working. You work a lot out of hyenas. I try to get you every time you're available.

I tried to book the kid. Oh, I had him on a few secret shows. He's fucking awesome. I tried to book the kid on my San Antonio shows a month ago. He goes, I'm sorry, I'm already working that week, and I'm opening for Jeremiah Watkins. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Can you believe these fucking kids?

I help everyone. I help everyone, and then what do they do? They go back, and they take from the hand that feeds them. Well, to be fair. Yes. I need you. Love you. We miss you, Jeremiah.

God, I can't believe he did that. Stop it. I happen to know for a fact he... Oh, forget it. He was just gay at the time? All right. I can't even. That's from the classic time that Jeremiah made a real song,

a real romantic song. For his wife? Yeah. And instead of just giving it to his wife, he put it on the internet. I love you. You know what's funny?

You know how he wants to get SNL? That's worse than what I did. He's going to get SNL and then they're going to be like, he also made this song and everyone's going to be like, fire that motherfucker. He's going to get SNL and then they're going to be like, he also made this song and everyone's going to be like, fire that motherfucker. He's made absolute steel. He does something like that and walks away

like he's completely confident. That's the thing. And also he can talk shit back, which is very funny. So if you're like, yeah, nice gay song you made. He's like, nice tits, you bald piece of shit. He's a legend. We love Jeremiah. Jeremiah rules.

It's just weird to sing something for your wife in public. Oh, yeah, of course. It's a legend. We love Jeremiah. It's just weird seeing something for your wife in public. It's a really terrible, disgusting PDA in a song. Alright, we're really letting this fat fuck off the hook over here. He's just watching us laugh about other people. Man, I'm really making it right now. Just one of the guys

up here on Kill Tony. I could be part of the permanent cast. You play any instruments or anything like that? I played trumpet in high school. Really? You played trumpet? You were in the band in high school? Holy shit. You know how to sing anything? No, not at all. No? You're built like an opera singer.

Alright. Tony, so much fun. Congratulations. Can I just start a new podcast? Oh, Jesus. I did it. I did it. Your dad served.

You're right. You're up here promoting fucking podcasts. All right, go ahead. It's called Somewhat Familiar with me and my buddy Daniel Magdon. Silly goose time. Check it out. There you go. Absolutely.

There he goes, everybody. Tony Casillas. Thank you for playing along, man. There he goes. We love him. Look at him. He's got that fucking... Look at that real... That's a real haircut

right there. He told that barber what he wanted. Alright. Zach, what do you think? Are we ready for that thing or should we go to the bucket one more time? I'm asking you. Is it ready? I think we should...

Why don't you nod yes or no if it's ready or not. It is ready? Okay. Great, then we're going to do that now. So I'm going to give Zach some time to get into a better position. Here he goes. Uh-oh, what's happening?

There he goes, Zach Bogus, everybody. All right. It is time for another very special treat, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy just moved to Austin, Texas this week. He is and always has been a regular on this show. He's the newest resident of Austin, Texas. He's going to be here with us every single week as he was before. He is a regular on Kill Tony. He's here for you right now. Let's see how loud this place can get.

If there's any real Kill Tony fans here, you should be thrilled. It's the one, the only Michael Lehrer, everybody. You should be thrilled. It's the one, the only Michael Lehrer, everybody. He might be good. Here he comes. Wow. Wow. Man, I've only been in Austin for two days, and my refrigerator is already full of casual

dishes. And once I eat that lasagna, I'm going to use that Pyrex to cook something really delicious. Crack. Hey, don't get me wrong. I only cook crack because it makes my cocaine last longer. Now, I have a disability department, which means all my countertops are major high, which is great because I do a lot of kitchen fucking. The chick sits by the toaster. I don't even have to get out of my wheelchair to deliver cunning linguists.

Now, Texas is having some vaccine controversy, all right? Like, who should get it first. If you ever order Panda Express from DoorDash, you don't get the vaccine. And if you, during the pandemic, you bought even one Funko Bobble head on, you do not get the fucking vaccine. Damn. My goodness.

I cannot tell you guys how excited I am that Michael Lair not only is here with us tonight, but just moved to Austin, Texas this week. No doubt. Incredible maneuver. No doubt. Yeah. And I got my car towed yesterday. It has two handicap placards on it,

and they told me, that's crazy enough, on it, and they told me, that's crazy enough, but your fucking governor is also in a wheelchair. Is he? Yeah. Yeah. Were you drunk?

What? Sorry. He has a driver. Zach Bogus. You're driving around? God damn, boy. This guy's an old bowling pit set up by Bud Light and he's asking me if I drive.

Michael fucking Lair is here. How exciting. Man, that was good. You know, it's always hard. Right at the Lair is here. How exciting. Man, that was good. It's always hard right at the first sentence, but then when it settles, it's good. Man, that first sentence, so hard. I threw together a pop-up show this weekend on Saturday night.

This is where Zach Bogus drives Michael Lair, and they both technically got towed on Saturday night. This is where Zach Bogus drives Michael Lair and they both technically got towed on Saturday night in front of that show on 6th Street. It was just incredible to think that he parked his car right there. But you guys did it.

No matter how many handicap placards you have, it doesn't matter. But I did a show, a pop-up show i announced it friday and we did it saturday michael lair david lucas uh joe rogan and um the great jamar neighbors uh good friend of ours from the comedy store was also in town and i gotta tell you guys i was you know as anyone i think would be curious to see how the audience would respond to Michael. This guy was plowing through applause breaks immediately, just bringing down the house immediately.

It was the first time I got to see him do a longer set, not here on Kill Tony, and it was incredible. What motivates me is not money or fame or even comedy. It's strange pussy. Strange pussy. This guy absolutely loves it. They're strangers.

So did you notice that he pulled from past shows? Was there a joke? Do you have a set list? A lot of it I had never even heard before. Maybe... A couple of my best jokes were new ones I thought wouldn't go well.

Let me do them right now. Yeah, sure. You guys want to see some of the jokes he did on Saturday night? I go, I've had a lesson. My brain doesn't talk to my muscles right. So today I got trapped in my sweater, and the only way to escape was in making into a sweater vest.

to a sweater vest. And then another new joke was like, people are always giving me advice like, have you tried yoga? And I can't believe that gets to the life. But the part I think is funny, which I say right now, is yoga is stretching for people who know none and make friends.

Ha, ha, ha. I fucking love it. Did you get any strange posts after that show? No, but it's coming. I'm on it. Absolutely. 100%. That's exactly right. I'm only, you know know I've said

I've only been here 72 hours and obviously I'm disabled and I have my drawbacks but one thing I know is chicks don't mind that they just don't like fat guys.

That's a really good point. That's a really, really good point. And I gotta say, I love this look tonight. I love that KFC has been hiring all these different Colonel Sanders. Yeah. Colonel,

Colonel Sanders. Colonel Sanders. Yeah, Colonel Standers. Colonel Standers. Colonel never stand again. Yeah. Heck yeah. Yeah, that's it. The doctors are still trying to figure out what the secret recipe is to cure this disease.

Michael, I'm so excited that you're in town. You've gotten to see a little bit of Austin, Texas. What's your first impression of your new hometown? Like LA, because I'm in a wheelchair and because I have cock of the mouth, most people think I'm homeless. And, like, I live in a really fancy building and I hang out outside and I ask people to help me with the door and they ignore me because they think I'm homeless. But little do they know I'm like one week

from fucking their girl. Oh my god. There is no one in the world like you. How like genuinely inspirational. I'm just a dude that's like, yeah, pussy's coming.

So nice, dude. Oh my god. I love you so much. Is there anything else we need to cover here tonight, Michael Laird? Kind of sucks that he dogged on getting Panda Express on Postmates

Because I do that at least once a week That's a thing that everyone does Because you have to have it once a week It's a thing that everyone shaped like you does Come on Gotta get that orange chicken You got a bone to pick One more thing

Shane, sign me anywhere Oh hell yeah You got a bone to pick? One more thing. Shane, sign me anywhere. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. I'm going to get my suit signed by every comedian. That's great. They're definitely not going to think you're homeless now. Right.

Yeah. He went from being a guy in a nice white suit to totally homeless immediately. Yeah, you're Boog Shaka Laka. I don't even know if I'll open the door for you if I see you. I love it. Michael Lair, welcome to Austin, Texas. An incredible set. An incredible performance here tonight.

He lives here now. He's a cold-blooded fucking assassin. he lives here now he's a cold-blooded fucking assassin i mean just an absolute fucking legend i mean i gotta say i always made jokes and everything about how uh about how michael's probably gonna live the longest out of all the regulars with william and david and i've said all these things and i've made jokes about how michael this and michael that but the fact that you're the first person to move here out of the original cast from Los

Angeles is absolutely incredible. And it shows your fucking unbelievable. Michael, over here. Those girls are all with guys. Look at these girls. Over here, Michael. Over here. These girls have cocaine. Farther left, Michael. Over here. These girls have cocaine.

Farther left, Michael. Farther left. There you go. Absolutely. Hell yeah. These girls aren't shallow at all. They'll totally fuck you. One of you should touch it.

You know. Come on. How many of you want to see one of these girls blow Michael on stage right now, huh? Yes. Oh, shit. They're all pointing at one girl like she would actually? Yes. Oh, shit. They're all pointing at one girl like she would actually do it. That's incredible. Oh, my God. Kill yourself,

lady. All right. Just kidding, everybody. How about one more time for the great Michael Lair? He's at michaellaircomedy.com. Everything Michael Lair. Guys, how about a big hand for our guest tonight, Shane Gillis. He does Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast February 19th and 20th.

He's at the Arlington Draft House in Washington, D.C. Let's check out the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt. Drew it while you guys all sat there doing nothing. Ryan's been in Los Angeles the whole time drawing tonight's episode. Get a little bit closer there, Ryan. That looks incredible. Oh, my God. I'm the devil.

Look at that. Get closer, closer. Let's zoom in a little bit here so that I can see it. Yeah. Oh, awesome. I'm the devil. Shane Gillis has a spear and a shield. You see that?

David Lucas with a giant microphone. Brian Redband and Michael Lair. Oh, my God. Unbelievable drawing. He draws every episode. They're all available at ryanjebelt.com. Guys, how about a hand for the band? John Dees on the keys.

He's at John Keys with a Z on social media. J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. How about a big hand for on drums, Michael Gonzalez. Mike A. Gons 13. Come on, guys. Let him hear you. D-Madness on the bass guitar. He's at Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson.

And on the electric guys Matt Muehling everybody check out his music mtmmakesmusic.bandcamp.com he's also at mutation on social media at m-u-e-h-t-a-t-i-o-n

again thank you to Best BBQ Show thank you to CM Smokehouse and Flores Tortillas. Check out florestortillas.com, the best homemade tortillas in all of Austin, from what my barbecue specialist has told me. Again, shout out to At Space Flight Records, our Sound Guys band,

the first ever non-profit record label band here in the United States of America. Shane Gillis, anything else you want to plug or promote? No. Or say? No, thank you. Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis keeping Bud Light alive.

Hey, if you guys live in Austin, but if you guys want to come to a show, come to Vulcan next Thursday. We got Fahim Anwar. We got a bunch of surprises. I can't tell you one of the secret guests, but come to the secret show next Thursday. Kill Tony Miami, Florida is finally rescheduled. It is happening the last weekend here in February. Kill Tony Miami. We are doing it. So we're back on the

road in another free state. Another one of these wacky red states everybody's having fun in. Austin, Texas, again, thank you so much for coming out tonight. We know for a fact, thanks to this pandemic, that it's not the same without you. And we're so excited to be back with you. Thank you guys for coming out. We'll see you again next week. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. ស្លាប់បានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm going to go. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.