KILL TONY - KILL TONY #5

Episode Date: July 18, 2013

Sam Tripoli, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/01/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band. You're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Please check us out at DeathSquad.TV for all our live shows, including Comic-Con 2013. This weekend, July 19th and 20th, we're having midnight shows. It's going to be a big party. We have a bunch of comics. I mean a bunch, like seven or eight, and some special guests. It's just going to be a good time. So if you're there for Comic-Con 2013, you're looking for something to do, Midnight American Comedy Co. Go to AmericanComedyCo.com or go to DeathSquad.tv

for all the links to all the tickets. And me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming to Arizona Stand-Up Live Phoenix. Tickets just went on sale. And you can also find links to that at either Stand Up Live or at DeathSquad.TV. And the Death Squad shirt is on pre-order right now. About to be released. So put your order in at ShopSquad.TV. It's a pre-order.

They start shipping the end of July. It's a first come, first ship process. So get your place in line right now by pre-ordering it. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store for our new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yes. Oh boy, am I excited about this one.

You guys feel that fun energy in the room? Fuck yeah. There's a lot of love. There's the Iron Patriot. As always, give it up for our head of security, the Iron Patriot. Glad to be here. So glad to be here on this very hot week in L.A.

Yeah. It must be crazy under that suit. Yeah, I need to get some air conditioning in here. What about just like tying bags of ice to like your belt area and just letting them melt throughout the day? Well, the heat's at least to my concern. It's the weight.

This is a very heavy costume. It's heavy. How much does it weigh? It's about 40 pounds. Wow. So that's a kettlebell nonstop. It's all these funny jokes that take my mind off it, though, through the night. Aw.

Thank you. You can listen to podcasts through your helmet? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Really listen to podcasts through your helmet? Oh, yeah. Really? I love listening. Really? So you listen to things while you're dressed like that? Yeah, I'm in my kitchen cooking like this.

In the bathroom shaving. I love it. That must be a workout, though. Are you sore sometimes? Yeah, it's intense because I've got to go out and make money on four nights a week. Yeah, it's intense because I got to go out and make money on four nights a week. This is my fifth night out because I had to go out in Hollywood Boulevard and make some tips to make money. And you take the bus everywhere you go when you're dressed like that, right?

Yeah, yeah, because I can't sit down and I don't want to have to come down here and dress down here. It's better to be at home where I can look at the mirror and get it all straight. Have you hung out with any of the other guys? Like Superman, Wonder Woman? I know all those guys. You know the guy that's on Confessions of a Superhero? Have you seen that documentary? Yeah, Christopher Dennis. I know him. He's a cool guy. He takes

himself real seriously. He's an intense dude. Yeah, it seems like. Yeah, he smokes a lot of weed, man. Does he? Yeah. Does he ever hold you down? Sorry. No, it's okay. Does he what smokes a lot of weed, man. Does he? Yeah. Does he ever hold you down? Sorry. No, it's okay. Does he what?

Does he ever hold you down and try to, like, advance sexually to you? No, he likes young girls. How much pot have you been smoking lately? Not much. I didn't get any last week. I didn't see Red Banner for the show. Oh, yeah, you got to check in with us. Yeah, yeah. I really like that experience, and I listen to the Shroom Fest, and I'd like to get into some of that, yeah. You got to check in with us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I really like that experience.

And I listen to the Shroom Fest and I'd like to get into some of that, too. Oh, wow. Look at that. The Shroom Fest episode. Yeah. Skeptic. Did you guys listen to that with Ari Shaffir on the Skeptic Tank? They all went to Joshua Tree. That picture is great with you, too, where you did a picture of you, too. And you and you guys look real close to U2. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, Ari has the hat, and everybody looks... It was a lot of fun. What do you think you would do if you did Mushrooms? Where would you go?

Beep into the deep crevices of my mind to ponder the mysteries of the universe. I love it. You know, reality's an illusion. I love it. The Iron it is in here. Reality's an illusion. I love it. The Iron Patriot. Fuck yeah.

Head of security. The head of security. He wasn't there for me 15 minutes ago, though, when I got stung by a bee on the stairway. Yeah, laugh it up, fuckers. Really funny. Fucking bee. I felt something land on my neck.

I slap. I feel it flutter like I didn't kill it. Like it must have gotten the side of my finger on it. It flapped around. And then I slap it again. But right before the slap lands, boom. Got me. Back of the neck of all places.

Which was really bad because my two closest friends to me have like the worst vision. And they're arguing over whether there's a stinger in there or there isn't. I'm just trying to find somebody with normal eyes. Give it up for Josh Martin, everyone. That's him. Wow. He does not look like he has normal eyes. Not the guy you want inspecting your neck to see if there's a bee stinger in there or not. Was there

still the stinger in there? No, it wasn't. Did he suck it out just to make sure? Yeah. Back of your neck? Yeah. He sucked it out of my penis. All the venom. The bee sting's in my butthole. Well, as you know, people, we have a lot of fun. There's been a lot of great, great news on the front of the show. Things are all taking off.

It's all happening. You guys are part of something very exciting. Everybody knows pretty much the layout. We pick names out of a hat with always a new guest and always one of my funniest friends. And this week we have a very special guest that we're going to bring up now before we get it kicked off.

Put your hands together for him, ladies and gentlemen, from the Naughty Show, from Comedy Central, Down and Dirty, everything. Punch Drunk, every Monday, every Tuesday. Yo, yo, yo. The great Sam Tripoli, everybody. How are you guys? Come on. It's good to be here. Good to be here. What's the word?

Great show so far. I am so excited to have you on this bad boy because... This is one of the most unfuckable crowds I've ever seen in my life. This looks like a Sex X Anonymous meeting right here. Seriously. Thanks for coming, guys.

I draw a really good looking crowd. That's alright, dude. Ugly people buy merch. Not that you're ugly. You guys are a good looking crew. Ugly people buy merch. Trust me on that one. I like this guy. Who's this dude? You come here all the time, don't you?

Yeah. You're like shady. Who's this dude? You come here all the time, don't you? Yeah. You're like shady. Who are you? Russian? What are you? Siberian? It's like the white Rick Ross. Yeah. It's like... Yeah, he's like, yeah, you got all... You're correct. It's like Rick Ross dressed for less. Yeah. He's sitting next to

Sarah Dresses. Remember her from... Oh, big drama with this one. Yeah, she looks like big drama. Sarah, why don't you come up here for a second? We need to talk to you. For those of you that don't know, Sarah was... There she is.

At Sarah Dresses on Twitter. She missed her spot last week. What we did with her was... You're a comedian? Yes. And she was the only person who we don't go out of the bucket for. She was here the very first night that we did this show, and she was the only female that was willing to be part of it.

Why? Women don't want to be part of it? No, that was then. It was just week one. Nobody knew what was going on. People thought I was just going to be completely mean to them. And like I was just going to. Shit on them.

Right. Which, you know. Not you, Tony. No. You know, that happens organically. Yeah. But she was the only one. So we said, hey, as a reward for breaking the female ice on the show, why don't you close out every show?

Plus, it was her first time doing stand up. So we felt like we were building her from within, doing something really cool for her. Oh, she's the Rosa Parks of Killing Tony? Yes. We did not have this idea before. It just kind of organically happened. I was like, wow, she now has a spot on the show.

Right. And then I fucked it up. Yeah, you fucked it up big time. She's learning a lesson in professionalism. Are you telling me that a young chick with big tits didn't appreciate the opportunities I was giving to her? I've never heard of that before. That is exactly what happened.

Ever heard of that? That is absolutely. I've never heard an older guy bring up that point either. Okay, that's cool. Oh, jeez. That's one way to fix a burnt bridge, is to burn it some more. Yeah, bring a little bit more gasoline to it.

By the way, I've heard that before a thousand times. Yeah, it's a real shocker. Now, and you know, she missed her spot, and we were, you know, the Iron Patriot now has a trademark noise that he makes when somebody gets blacklisted from the show. The Iron Patriot now has a trademark noise that he makes when somebody gets blacklisted from the show. And so... That was awesome.

I thought this was Police Academy for two seconds. Because we blacklist people. And if you missed a spot before, we're trying to police it. And yes, that would be the sound of us policing it. police it, and yes, that would be the sound of us policing it. So Red Band and I were talking about

how to handle this situation. Yeah, so we decided, we heard a friend of ours, another female, a sexy female, did comedy for her first time downstairs tonight. And we're going to try to give her a chance to fill your shoes,

be the second Chrissy. Yeah, fucking shocker. You don't get what you want from the first one, you bring in a new one. Yeah, we're all replaceable. Bring in the July model. This is Hollywood. This is how it works. Alright, cool. So this is a lesson in professionalism.

Hear that? That's the sound of you waking up for a shift at 7-Eleven. Red band! Well written! We're pumping. So what we're actually going to call it is a probation to be decided at a later date, perhaps even at the end of the show.

It might become a dyke-off. Who knows? Yeah, I'm into it. It's true. I'm halfway into it. And the one who scissors the other one the hardest would then get to come back next week. That would be how that gets solved. Or it could be a taste, like we taste which one.

Right. Whoa. This isn't a fucking sandwich. You got mad at my fucking statement and you're just loving their fucking statements. No, I just said, like, how am I supposed to even fucking deal? What is this, like, are we at fucking Costco?

Hey, it was actually because the parking meter expired, so you need to put some more changes. Yeah, fucking sorry that I had to go put money in my fucking house. Sounds like poor timing to me. I got problems like everybody else. You know what that is? Uh-oh. That's the death of money. That's an old school clock.

Alright, are you guys done fucking me? Uh-uh, I just started. But he's quick, so don't worry. Typical. Who laughed at that? You're blackballed, too. Can we blackball audience members? Yeah.

I just don't want to ruin people's lives. And any time you call it, he has to make that noise. So just... Did you do that? That was not me. That was Sarah's vagina. Because it just got wrecked. Has she done stand-up on the show?

Three times. Three times. Last week would have been her fourth time with the amazing Ari Shafir. And she decided to, you know, in this business, you have to know when you have to put money in your meter. Right? What is this look, by the way? Wait, was it because he was Jewish?

What the fuck does that mean? What is your look? Old and sloppy. You got the current glasses for old and sloppy. No, then that wouldn't be old and sloppy. That would be the opposite of the look I'm going for. But I want to know what your look is. These two are going to end up fucking in like five minutes

I love it You got the first part of that right You look like you're from the Echo Park of the North Pole That's what you look like That's so original I'm shocked you didn't go, where's Waldo? No, no, that's what you do. I go Echo Park at the North Pole and crush it.

Yeah. Waldo's too easy. You put that on planning to do a Waldo joke. Wait, Waldo would fit her then if it's that easy. I just dress how I fucking think looks good. I am woman, hear me roar. Other people are fucking into it. Sweet.

Who said we're not into it? How do you not know I want to fuck elves? How do you not know that? You don't know what I'm into. I've seen your stand-up. Because you come in here all fucking with your vagina guarded up, all angry. Come on. Stop burning bras.

Hang out for a little while. Okay? You don't got to march on everything. All right? You have full rights now. You can do whatever you fucking want to. Loosen the fuck up.

It's called comic. Yeah, you have full rights. Shut the fuck up then. Okay. Oh, Jesus. Get a room, you guys. Get a room. She's such a...

You put me in a bad mood. You fucking blacklist me. Like, this is the first place I did this shit. Now you guys are like, I'm getting a new bitch. No, this is just the beginning. You're still in a bad mood You fucking blacklist me Like this is the first place I did this shit Now you guys are like I'm getting a new bitch Fuck off No this is just the beginning

You're still in the running You're gonna be back next week There you go You don't know the rules of the game We're writing the rules right now You don't even know the rules of the game Right now this is better Than if you got up to do comedy

Yeah listen to the patriot Listen to the On the video People are gonna love this Listen to my squeaky arm of justice Over there I love what you say patriot Does anyone who knows about Freedom of speech It's the patriot On the video, people are going to love this. Listen to my squeaky arm of justice over there. I love what you say, Patriot. Does anyone who knows about freedom of speech, it's the Patriot.

Yeah. Exactly. You know what, Tony? I think it's time we meet Kim. Oh, you want to do that now? All right. Well, all right. There's Sarah.

There goes Sarah, everybody. Sarah. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the newest comedian in Hollywood as of just less than probably half an hour ago downstairs in the original room. Put your hands together for everybody. There's still blood from the cherry that's popped.

Kimberly Congdon. Sure, if you want to. Or you can lower it. Look at that. Got it. Is it working? Is this thing on? Sure, if you want to. Or you can lower it. Look at that. Yeah, got it. All right. Is it working? Yes. Is this thing on?

What's up? Welcome. Thank you. How do you feel about being part of a live podcast and a show? This is cool. This is awesome. Shooting the shit. I don't know.

So tonight was your first night doing comedy? Yeah. Yeah. How'd it go? I went up there and the wire fell out of the mic and I'd never even touched a mic before. Didn't know how to put it back together. I think I did okay.

I was real nervous. I said a joke about my dad touching me and that didn't go over well. I don't know why. Why wouldn't that kill? I got told why after. Never again, huh? Okay.

My dad didn't touch me. You sound disappointed. Probably got a hot dad, huh? He's all right. Patriot, on first impressions and likability and charisma and look alone, how do you feel about Kimberly? I like her. She's got a good look.

Just put the mic right up on your lips, though. Just get it. Oh, my God. There we go. See's got a good look. Just put the mic right up on your lips, though. Just get it. Oh, my God. There we go. See, this is... Hold on. This is where it starts. She's just trying to stand up. You're telling her to blow the microphone.

You know what I'm saying? This is where, like, in two years, she's going to be the fucking most angry lesbian fucking comic out there going, can I just do jokes? So let's not do that. Let's just, let's encourage her to do well. Okay. You can never tell when the Patriots

like trying to help with audio issues or just being a pervert. Hey, put the microphone closer to your lips. Now rub it against your crotch. Yeah. Like your dad did. No, I think he was just trying to say To project your voice

You have a very small mouth You sound like you're hiding From your dad trying to touch you You definitely gotta own it more Is the mic volume on that just low? Yeah Just get it up there closer You are so creepy

Patriot Which is amazing because you're a guy Wearing a suit which normally starts Just get it up there closer. Just right there. You are so creepy, Patriot. Which is amazing because you're a guy wearing a suit, which normally starts at creepy. The fact that you out-creepied that is amazing. This is my week. Fourth of July is Thursday. Oh, yeah. That's right.

This is a big week for you, huh? I'm looking good this week. You're like the people that own a Halloween store every day. You ever go by the Halloween store on a July? You're like, what do you guys got going on? Halloween's every night. Yeah. Hey, I read some interesting trivia about you. I wanted to ask you about Sam.

I can't tell who you're talking to. You. Oh, me. Okay. I read some trivia that said you were one of only two comedians to start off as a paid regular in the main room. The only other one is Roseanne Barr. Yeah.

Is that true? That's true. That's incredible. Thank you. Because all these comedians have to suffer through all this. No, no. I was the first one when she made me a regular. My first spot was a main room spot, which is unheard of.

Great. Thank you. When Roseanne did it, it was a different time and era and that night, on her first spot at the comedy store. She got a TV show off that. I got my cable turned off.

She got Carson. Oh my God. It's so true. It's how crazy the different times are. So should we give her a chance to prepare some material for the end of the show? Yep, absolutely. Get your 60 seconds ready. We'll check in with you at the end of the

show. You guys ready to start the comedy portion of You can throw that in the mic stand. Good job. What's your Twitter handle? Kimberly Can. What's your nationality? My mom's At Kimberly Can. What's your nationality? My mom's Puerto Rican and my dad's something white.

Something white? I like that. You don't see a lot of Puerto Ricans out here. All right, we'll call you back at the end of the show. Apparently their low-riding bikes aren't easy to go cross-country on. That would have killed it in New York. You guys ready to get this thing kick-started or what? Kick-started?

I feel like we're at one of those, like, a donkey show. That's the vibe in this room right now. This is the donkey show of podcasts. Let's watch someone get fucked by an animal. Fuck yeah. All right. I pulled a name out. Put your hands together for your first comedian doing 60 seconds.

It's Ryan Dowd, everybody. Here he is. Ryan Dowd. Ryan Dowd. Hey, you guys have been great. Keep up your enthusiasm. I think I should just kind of

kill you all with kindness. Actually, that's like a terrible phrase, because what else can you do violently to people that's nice? You can't go up to people and be like, you know what, I'm going to rape your daughter with friendship. I'm going to blunt force trauma you with appreciation.

I'm going to pull the plug on your grandpa with free healthcare. Doesn't really work. Oh, fuck. Jesus. Jesus, people. Actually, I've been thinking a lot about Jesus lately. You know? Just thinking about

Jesus. Actually, I've been thinking about St. Joseph more. Because, like, he was lying next to Mary, and he kind of rolled over one night and was like, hey, how, Mary, we're married now, how about we, and she's like, we... No, I've already had God. Fuck. How could you even compete with that? How did that even go? Was it just like...

Oh, God. That's right, bitch. Say my name. Oh, no, Mary. I'm going to come. Oh, you know what that means. That kitty sound means that's the 60 seconds, Mary. I'm going to come. Oh, you know what that means. That kitty sound means that's the 60 seconds, everybody. 60 seconds of fury, brother. Heck yeah.

I watched most of the seconds click on my watch. Oh, man. I would. I was like, why am I staring at my watch? Okay. What do we do? What do we start with the good, then go into the bad? Any way you want to do it.

We're very unorthodox. I love the level of joke you're trying to do. It's fucking great. But you have a creepy vibe. And that's a good thing, because you'll probably be in Conan in about three weeks, okay? You have a great vibe, but you open up with a rape joke. How long have you been doing comedy? Like two years. Yeah. It's like, that's a hard thing you open up with a rape joke. How long have you been doing comedy? Like two years.

Yeah. It's like that's a hard thing to open up with, right? Right out of the gate, you have Dahmer energy. Just to let you know that. Okay. Whether that's good or bad, you look like you love to rape dead people. You know what I'm saying? And that's worth acknowledging.

That is, and that's why you're going to work in Hollywood. That's who's running Hollywood. Creepy fucking weird dudes. So they're going to look at you and go, hey, that's me on stage. One thing I know you don't do, you don't look at the crowd. No. So if you're going to do those fucking jokes, bro, you got to commit to that shit. You got to be like, yeah, I rape children.

Fuck you. You know what I'm saying? You got to look them right in the eye And let them know Hey man I might really rape these kids You gotta own that shit dude You're scared Yeah

I sensed blood I was scared when he was on stage What's that? I was scared when he was on stage I think that's why I was looking at my watch But see I like that I like that you're trying to do Kind of that crazier shit

And that's I like that kind of comedy But you gotta commit to it bro You know what I'm saying? If you're gonna rape that chick Rape that chick man That crazier shit. I like that kind of comedy. But you've got to commit to it, bro. You know what I'm saying? If you're going to rape that chick, rape that chick, man. That's going to be used against me. That soundbite is going to be used against me for the rest of my fucking life. I mean, even the way you're standing with your arms crossed like that, man, that's amazing.

No, don't not do it because – It works. Go back to it. Show everybody what I was talking about. No, but it was more like one was just resting on top of the other one. Yeah, it was like that. Like, if you did that and kept the mic in the mic stand and looked like you do, you could talk about a lot of fun, creepy shit.

Yeah, you definitely have that, and I think it's going to go good for you. You're just going to own it, dude. Yeah. Because, I mean, he looks like he lives with his mother, right? Oh, totally. But your mom is dead upstairs in the attic. Yeah. Right.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You have some cooler. You have to have freezer jokes. You have to have cannibal jokes. I love the level of comedy you're doing. You just got to really commit to that, bro. Right.

But you got good stuff. Yeah. But acknowledge the way that you look. I mean, you should have a walk-in. When you walk on stage, vagina snaps shut instantly. Okay. Except for there's a couple girls here just like, oh, yeah, my dad would hate him. So, boom, you got a job.

Good to know. Ryan Dowd. There he goes. Ryan, good job. One Dowd. We are all dead tonight. I need to go. He'sd. There he goes. Ryan, good job. One Dowd. We are all dead tonight. He's going to wear our skin like... The microphone just gave up on him.

All right. Here we go. Your next comedian, Michael Benson. Boom. Here he is. All right. Yes. How's it going?

Yeah, I do look like a coked-out Matthew Broderick. Jesus Christ on ice. That's what I want to see. I want to see Jesus Christ on ice. Coming to Vegas. Hey! It's bloody. Anyway, let's move on. Let's talk about what I wrote down. I like to think of myself as a compassionate person. I'm usually the first one to say,

if there's anything you need, Dan, just let me know. I know you've been going through a tough time, and your girlfriend just broke up with you, and you've been feeling kind of sick, but if there's anything you need, just let me know. And their usual response is, no, that's okay, Michael, I'm fine. Well, then fine, fuck you then, you're lost, because I'm an amazing human being, and you just missed out on some grade a compassion baby i could have been there for you serving you chicken noodle soup and giving you amazing hand jobs because my left hand has twice the strength as my right hand because i'm handicapped but you don't get that type of loving with a uvin mick loving Anyway. No, my mother thinks that, you know, you should have called your phone.

All right. There we go. Here's the cat meal. That's the 60 seconds. Hell yeah. Thank you very much, guys. There he is, Michael Benson. I want that guy to protect me.

Can I sit by that guy now? The guy that was just on stage? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now, yeah. So far, we're having a creep-off. I forgot how creepy open mic-ers are. They're not all like this.

This is a random lottery situation, and nothing could prove it more than our first two comedians back-to-back being stalkers of some kind. I mean, holy shit. I like it. What's your condition? What is your... Cerebral palsy. Oh, wow.

Use that, bro. That's your hook. I have five strong minutes on this. Can I give you a suggestion? Put a sock over it and make it your comedy duo. I've been... Actually...

Never talk to it. When's he going to use a puppet? Never uses it. Yeah. I've actually been Actually... Never talk to it. Like, when's he going to use the puppet? Never uses it. Yeah. I've actually been working on it. No, that... I've been looking for a really decent sock. I've heard that a couple of times before,

and I've been just trying to find a bit around that. But yeah, thank you. Oh, my God. Hello! Alright. I'm a mangled ant, I'm not scared. Alright, alright, you can write it later. Stop it.

Calm the fuck down. Or you could even do like a, what would it be like a sandwich bag or something like that. You could go a lot of different ways with it. Yo-yo? Do you have to hold it up like that? Do I have to? No, I do this to accentuate a point or to show, hey, I am.

That God hates you? What? What? Yeah. I would definitely. It was 1984. He did too much cocaine and said, hey, I don't know. Let's put a handicap thing on him.

Hey, dude, use it to all it's worth, bro. Oh, yeah. Any reason to get on TV, just tell them you're fucking whatever. Just do it. I like your energy. You know, you've got to... The thing about going up there high energy like that, people can't...

They start concentrating on your energy and not what you're saying. All right, yeah. I call it controlled chaos. You've got to control it. You've got to be able to get your point across. And then you can explode into craziness so you can hear what the fuck you're talking about. You're so excited, I have no clue what the fuck you're talking about.

You're fucking sweating. Like you hang out with this guy. The only part of you that wasn't going 190 miles an hour was your right hand. It looked low energy. But again, I like what you're doing. Yeah. You just got to like, because they got to digest everything you're saying.

That's comedy. It's the hardest part out there because everybody in the room has to know what you're talking about. If I'm rapping, nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about. They don't give a shit. They just know they're in the club. Here they got to digest it. You got to slow it down. You're very, very edgy. I like that. Really edgy.

Very palsy material, you were saying. I love my palsy material. We need a pun sound effect. When you sneeze, does your hand look like a salmon out of the water? A little bit. You should make it a puppet, of the water? A little bit. You should make it a puppet, bro.

I think that would crush. It probably would. I think it would be the most hilarious shit ever. I'll come back in two weeks and try and see if I can do it. I would love to see it. That's a big tag. Put a sock on it. Put a sock on it. Michael Benson, everybody. There he goes. Flying through it. Put a sock on it. Michael Benson, everybody.

There he goes, flying through it. At MJB Comedy, by the way. You can follow Michael Benson on Twitter. Ryan Dowd was at There Is No Point. Michael Benson at MJB Comedy. Love it.

Here's one for you. Kyle Henson. I gotyle talking about drunk girls oh why hello hello you guys are awesome i had like four hollywood girls at one of my sets super attractive but anytime somebody has too much to drink they want to talk during your set super distracting

this guy was like oh my god I'm just gonna take a picture of my nails and upload them to Instagram but I don't know if I should make them blurry on the outside or just turn them into a Polaroid but I didn't want to be rude I or just turn them into a Polaroid. But I didn't want to be rude. I had to bring them into it.

I had to be nice. I was like, ma'am, ma'am. Excuse me. Let me guess. 25, 25, 30, 32? Are you serious? We're only 21.

Like, that's how many pounds you're going to lose, you fat ass. Don't talk during my set. Exchange that chapstick for glue stick and shut the fuck up. It's kind of hard to take you serious because your BMI looks a lot like your bowling score. Thank you guys. I'm Kyle Henson. All right. First of all.

Everyone just fucking relax. Everybody, why would you clap for that? No, I'm Kyle Henson. All right. First of all... Everyone just fucking relax. Everybody, why would you clap for that? No, I'm kidding. That's an interesting joke to just go over heckles and crowd work that happened at a different show. So I didn't write anything

for tonight, but let me tell you what happened to me in a set a few days ago. So there's these hecklers, four of them. Yeah, I mean, the whole thing is that, you know, you start one premise, and then you go into another premise, which is, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, definitely.

There was something in the middle there in which I started daydreaming so hard. I'm like, oh, fuck, where am I again? No, no. It was near the Muppet Force. No, it was Marge Simpson. Homie. Oh, my God.

I think it's great. You're talking about your life. I'm sure that happened at some point. The whole thing is about focusing it. I don't know what you're talking about. That's after a while, dude. It's a great premise because you're going to run into that. That's a great joke to do after you actually get heckled.

It's going to happen every fucking day of your life. Right. Totally. Because people are a bunch of fucking assholes. Yeah. And plus your body language says be ruthless. But of everybody here today, you're the best at coming up on stage and dealing with people. So people want to like you when you get up there.

It's just like what you're... I mean, it's 60 seconds. It's hard. I don't know if you'd open with that. What nationality are you? Half black, half white on a good day. What does that mean, on a good day? There's no bad days.

By the way, this is the... That is the worst catchphrase I've ever heard in my entire life. I don't know how often you use that. I mean, I'm sure you get asked a lot what nationality you are. If you do that on a good day thing every time, that's unbearable. If there's one thing you could take from this appearance tonight, it would definitely be that.

I mean, that's an offstage. That'll make nobody ever want to work with you again. Anybody who hears that, whether it be a comedian or an executive, they're like, I don't even want to be near this guy anymore. I'm half black, half white on a good day. You put them all in position to go, what do you mean? And then you go,

there's no bad days. That's just ridiculous. That's like poorly written dialogue in a shitty movie. Like the dialogue in an already shitty movie where your expectations are so low already. It worked in the mirror. That's what happened.

Yeah, you're half-blast. You got it! Loser. Kyle. Kyle Henson, everybody. There you go. Take that with you. Kyle, you're funny. I got heckled. I was doing a late, late, late night fallout

a few nights ago in the original room downstairs. It was like 2.05 in the morning. This is a true story. That's usually about an hour before I go up. I'm doing a spot. There's like six drunk people in the room. One guy's super drunk heckling me, sitting off to the side.

I'm laying into him because he's heckling me, And I'm laying into him because he's heckling me, heckling me, and I'm laying into him and he goes, remember he's sitting off to the side and I'm doing stand up facing straight out. And he goes,

I don't need to take this from you, man. You've only got one ear. To which I responded, still looking straight out. That's because you're looking at one side of my face. It was an unbelievable highlight of my career. By the way, I think

we set the record for most T.I. looking like guys in one place. Maybach music. They got the whole group up there. Hell yeah. There's No Chains and Kanye Worst. I love it.

Look at the whole crew. Alright, let's keep this fun train moving along. Up next, Paul Aaliyah. Oh, shit. He gave us the guns as he came up. He gave him the guns. You guys, I'm a Catholic Arab

from Iraq. I'm like a white running back. I'm like a Arab from Iraq. Yeah, I'm like a white running back. You know, there's just a... I'm like a straight theater major. There's just... But, uh... My family's from Iraq, and my dad doesn't understand English that well. You know, he just knows some words mean, like,

awesome, dude, love, pick me up at 3.30, you know, some of those words. But, uh... Remember when I was a kid, I loved doing comedy, you know, so I used to tell my dad jokes. So the first joke I told my dad, I was like, Dad, I was watching the news lately, and apparently some guy pickpocketed a midget. How can someone stoop so low? You know, how can... This is my dad's reaction. My dad was like this. Oh. Paul, your jokes hurt my eyes Okay You are going to law school

Not comedy shit Hey, let me tell you a joke An Arab goes to LA to do comedy That's the joke That's the joke My name is Paul Lai, thanks guys Okay, I gotta just say right off the bat, there's something about you that I just love to hate.

I mean, you are like the type of guy that's just my arch-nemesis. Why? There's just something. I mean, I just... It's unbearable. Really? There's just certain types of young comedians.

It's like they try. It's like not they try. Whether they're trying or they just are as like this. Like there's this thing. I don't think anybody talks like that in real life, but I see everybody doing this trickery. And it's like this is not off material. I'm just talking about first impressions basically. Okay, so you're not saying his material sucks. You're saying he sucks.

I mean, I hadn't gotten to that part yet. No, I mean, it wasn't horrendous, but I mean, every... You're saying his material has a chance, but he's fucked. There is not a Middle Eastern comedian that I've ever heard that doesn't have a joke about telling their dad a joke and about how serious they are and they don't laugh and then the dad tells a joke that you know, get a job.

I mean, it is just you could do better than that. It doesn't match what you're pushing out there. I think he was up on the wave surfing for a moment with a midget and how can you stoop that low? And then when he went into the father, I was still, he was on the wave but he just fell off the

wave. It was okay. It was right there. This is my nightmare. Just getting comedy tips from a guy in a fucking suit. That's what's wrong with comedy. Everybody thinks they're a fucking

master at it. It is easy to sit here and judge. You're right master at it. It is easy to sit here and judge. You're right. It is easy to just, you know, somebody comes up on stage and just sit back and criticize. Right. How long have you been doing comedy? Two years. It's my first time doing a minute.

No, no, no. And don't take what I'm saying as, you know, don't take it hard on yourself. It's just a part of the show and like I was just being on like it's not it's just I don't know it's hard to explain the feeling that I get

there's certain people when he does how old are you 25 25 how long you been doing stand-up two years two years right is it when he goes into that wonder what it is Robert De Niro stuff where he's kind of acting. Any comedian that does this thing a lot where they have to keep your

attention by doing this shit. And if you listen to the words, it's just really not that. Are you an actor? Yeah. That's why. Oh, of course. That's what it is. It's always that. I get what you guys are saying. There's some truth to that.

But I know where that material would kill. And that, you know, in the Axis of Evil and stuff like that. And this town loves that shit. Right. Right, absolutely. I get where you're coming from and why you're doing that. Right. But I think you're going to find that that is a limited art.

I don't know why. It's true. I think, did that story really happen? Very similar, yes. When I first came out to L.A., I told my dad that joke, and he was like, it's so stupid. When it's more performing than it is an attempt at being funny. Because when you do this, it takes away from what's really going on. And that's the truth.

You have to decide. I have some jokes that I add elements of acting. There's some jokes that are just like bullshit about girls or L.A. and shit like that. I think, you know, I got what you get. I got it. Because, you know, I grew up with all the guys who are now the big Arab comics. And, you know, we've heard everything before.

I would like to have more of personal stuff to you than that stuff. I think that, I mean, it's a great starter, but I think that if everything you're saying about yours is true, you could go with some real fucking original shit that would blow everybody's mind. Because you've got to stand out, dude.

Yeah. Here's the thing, guys. You can do stuff that gets laughs in a room, and that's fine. Because it's a quick rise to the middle. And you're just going to be stuck in the fucking middle. That's all that's going to happen. You're just going to fucking, hey, dude, I'm moving so fast because everyone's laughing. And you do nothing original, and you just get to the middle, and you go fucking nowhere.

So true. You know what, man? If you're going to fail, fail big. Why don't you fail big then fucking succeed a little that's all i'm saying man so true so that stuff's great man and i get it because you're gonna audition for some fucking progressive piece of shit casting director who's secretly fucking racist and hates fucking everybody because no one would fuck her in high school okay and you're gonna do that stuff

she's gonna love it because she doesn't have to fucking think but you're never gonna be able to go anywhere farther right do you want to be fucking great then you got to do greatness you got to go out there and fucking fail you know what that shit would have killed in the arabian night show here with these fucking soulless motherfuckers they want a fucking piece of your soul man you gotta go out there and give them something real. You know what I'm saying? And I get what you're doing, but if you want to go far, you got to give them something different.

Yeah. Come back next week with some more shit. There you go. Sign up again. Paul Aaliyah. At PaulAaliyah123 on Twitter. If you're listening out there. By the way, just to let you know where I'm coming from,

today I cried in my mirror thinking about blowing my brains out. So take everything with a grain of salt. It will happen soon. It will. That was great what you just said. I mean, that's really a breakthrough part of this. That's an amazing topic you just hit about working their way to the middle. I've seen it happen a thousand times. People that perform more than they're being funny will get – those are those people that get one spot on Conan or whatever and then maybe the half-hour special.

They can churn out 22 minutes of that. But it's people like that that you never see again. Like you have to have something that people can love about you. I remember Joey Diaz talking about it. Oh, okay. Go on, Patriot. Joey Diaz said, Joey really let go. Right.

Who's he securing you from? Empty chairs? What is this? Well, one thing that's interesting is finding your voice. That's something that took me a long time to do. Because I used to kind of have a character that was just an over-exaggerated version of me. I even once had a version that was like an urban version of me where I was just

trying to be like MC Chris, which is this white rapper. It's like, hey guys, what's going on? Kind of like a Zia Zaria. That dude, whatever his name is. I was just like that guy. Who? A sneeze, a snarf. Oh, God. Whatever the fuck that is. That guy. Just to mix it up. Because I was like, you know what?

Why not? I might try it. And then it took me a long time to actually just go on stage and be like, alright, I'm just acting like I'm talking to my friend. And one of the only ways to really be able to even find that is to just take chances. It's better to eat shit than half patty.

In fact, it was this room really in which I really this room has a special place in my heart because this is where I made that breakthrough of, oh, my God, because I was working here. And before then – back then at the time, I could just hustle up here. I was opening up every belly room show. I mean I was doing two or three spots a night here. It was unbelievable because they weren't giving spots out to Newark. It was just something that I was doing. I was going, hey, start your show five minutes early. I'll warm up the room and then

I'll bring your host up. Why wouldn't you do that? Right? So I did it all the time and it was through all those every night in which I'm like, holy shit. If I just get one little thing out of fucking taking a million chances that's a keeper, all of those

add up. Can't be afraid to fail, man. It's crazy. You can't be afraid to fail. Here's how I think... Slow clap on that one. Here's what I think about comedy. I've said this before. There's two kinds of comics out there, and I'm not judging either one.

They are what they are. I don't think one's better than the other. There are two kinds of comics. There's clowns and there's shit talkers. Sometimes you have some shit talking clowns and sometimes you have some clown shit talkers. Okay? Truth of the matter is, clowns work more.

They'll book commercials. They'll book fucking sitcoms. They'll work more. But the legends are shit talkers. Make no doubts about it. The legends are shit talkers. The guys go out there with a point. They have something to say.

I'm not saying you got to get preachy. But you're going up there because you want to get reactions from what you want to say. Not you don't want to say something that gets a reaction. Do you understand what I'm saying? That's it, man. That's all the great ones. I know guys who sell out arenas, and I'm not judging anybody. Even though I like shit talkers, I'm not judging it.

God bless you. Whatever you can do, you do. But I know some of the dudes who sell out giant theaters. Giant theaters. Never mentioned as one of the great ones working right now And that's at the end of the day What everybody wants To be considered one of the greats

And that's why these dudes Who go around stealing jokes all the time Because they think it's like Win at all costs And they fucking get busted And they're automatically taken off the list Of the people who are the greatest They go fucking nuts and they're constantly miserable Because they're never going to get what they want And that off the list of the people who are the greatest, they go fucking nuts, and they're constantly miserable, because they're never going to

get what they want, and that's to be considered the GOAT. That's all they did for. They wanted to be the GOAT. Mencia looks like he has full-blown cancer and AIDS right now. How do you look like you have cancer and AIDS? Dude, that was a snuff film. Brian, did you see what you did to that guy? That was a snuff film.

For those of you that don't know, is that okay for me to say that? Brian was the cameraman in the back of the original room during the famous Rogan-Mencia incident. This is the Zapruder of comedy. Put your fucking hands together back there, you sons of bitches. What are you, Mencia fans?

All right, guy in the wheelchair, you don't have to clap. It's okay. Alright, let's keep this fun train moving along. Brilliant shit. Put your hands together for Sam Tripoli. I mean, we're still doing it, but I fucking love that. I love taking a tangent into some real fucking shit.

We know this guy. He just got lucky. I pulled his name out. At Gabriel Killian on Twitter. His name's Gabriel Killian, everybody. Here he is. Gabe, where are you? Oh, no. Don't do it, Gabe.

Don't you do it, Gabe. It's hard enough for an Armenian to make it in this town. Oh, shit. What's that mean, Iron Patriot? Oh, shit. Bam. Holy shit. Gabriel Killian just got blacklisted.

For every life you save, there's a million new ways to die. There you go. That's a catchphrase for you from the Iron Patriot. Give us another one. Guy's going to be doing hookah bars in London. I will lead these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. Just between me and you, here's my little secret. The bad guys always win.

Me killing you is perfect symbolism for the times. There he is, everybody. Phony Stark, everyone. Phony Stark. No, but he's supposed to be the black guy. Iron Patriot, Don Cheadle. Yeah. Wait a second.

Get the fuck out of here. There's an actual guy called the Iron Patriot? Yeah. And you're that. Wait a second. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. There's an actual guy called the Iron Patriot? Yeah. And you're that guy? No, he's not that guy. No, I mean, I know he's not the guy from the movie. Whoa, whoa. Settle down, Patriot.

First of all, this is your first week with a microphone. Just relax. Yeah. Oh, now it's on your dick. Now it's on your dick. He's doing it on purpose. What are you, Kendall? Let me explain. Patriot, just relax. Let me get What are you, Kendall? Let me explain

Patriot, just relax Let me get a breath in, okay? Just take I have a bad habit of interrupting, you know that Just relax This is your first time behind the microphone You keep running into it over and over again Just relax

Take a breath Can you breathe okay through that thing? If you gave me some of that weed you have, maybe I would be relaxed Oh my god Oh shit again. Just relax. Take a breath. Can you breathe okay through that thing? Oh my god. Oh shit. There he is. The irony patriot, everybody. The irony patriot. So you're

a white guy, right? Well, actually, I'm the Iron Patriot from the comics, Norm Osborn, that used to be Green Goblin. They changed it in the movie because they don't own the rights to Spider-Man and Green Goblin. They changed it. He gets so passionate when he starts talking about this character. Somewhere there's a chat board missing its auditor. No, they're not auditors.

They're admins. Sorry. Thank you. Okay. Let's keep this fun train moving along. We just blacklisted Gabe Killian. Put your hands together. I'm a white guy.

Okay. We got you. Don't be racist now, all right? No, I'm not. I'm not saying it's bad to be a black iron patriot, but I'm a white iron patriot. When you say that, it means you did mean that, by the way, when you make that disclosure. Disclaimer. I'm really fucking up.

I love it. Kyle Shore, everybody. At Kyle Shore. Noah Ark. Noah Ark. He's doing a Noah Ark joke. Some people might think it's too soon for a Noah's Ark joke. I say it's right on time. Here he is. I read this in the Bible. So it's

scientific fact. Read it on Wikipedia. Dinosaurs are extinct because they didn't get on the ark. Let that sink in, I know. It wasn't in your history books. It's true. I actually asked my nana how to have it. She's like, well, it's kind of like Land Before Time, like the animated dinosaurs.

Like Land Before Time 13, The Great Flood. Because there actually is 12 Land Before Times, apparently. And I guess like the first act, a bunch of dinosaurs just run around because their food supply got killed and there was water coming. Second act, like a T-Rex chases them. And then like the third act, they find like a white dude by a boat who has like a list, like a bouncer,ex chases them. And then, like, the third act, they find, like, a white dude by a boat who has, like, a list, like a bouncer, like, drafts. Get in.

Crocodiles, barely. Talking dinosaurs. No, get over there with the unicorns and gorgons. Or gorgi. I don't know. Aquarium, aquari- I don't. Oh, my God. Where's the cat?

Okay. Jesus Christ. Man. I mean, holy shit. I don't know what happened in the time that you were on stage, but the energy in the room got sucked out.

Is it just me? No. You guys back there, how do you feel? What's going on? Hey, you settle down. You're blacklisted. Or you're on probation. You're blackface.

Don't violate your probation. So the premise of the joke is what? That dinosaurs are extinct because they didn't get on Noah's Ark. I don't think... Noah's Ark. Hmm. I don't think... It's an interesting theory. My friend told me... I think it's too soon for the dinosaur Noah's Ark jokes. I mean, I just don't think people are ready.

I mean, and I like being edgy at times, you know. Some people... You know, I like writing jokes when people die and, like, tweeting them out there. It's one of my favorite things. I did nine on Gandolfini. Had to pay tribute to the man, the myth. James Gandolfini, everyone, right?

Oh, by the way, I fired my memorial coach. I mean, my memorial agent. He couldn't get me in there, so I'm like, fuck you. You're done. I dropped him. What's memorial agent? he couldn't get me in there, so I'm like, fuck you. You're done. I dropped him. What's memorial agent? My agent gets me in all the memorials. That's hot, man.

How much was the ticket? Did you hear a price at all? It was a black tie affair. Yeah, it was crazy. I couldn't get in. I was pissed. Memorial agent. So you, dude, I get it, man.

I get it. That's funny. I like the premise. It's just execution, dude. It's just weird. I think I saw that joke chiseled into one of the stones, the commandment bricks. Nothing?

All right, cool. Kyle, are you... When it comes to dinosaurs and Noah's Ark, that's just like... It's just not... No one wants to even hear it, right? Even the word. Ice age that killed the dinosaurs? Was it the ice age?

That's a whole different conversation, Patriot, that we're not having. Don't you have an encyclopedia somewhere in that fucking suit? I need a computer. Where's my computer? Hey, man, if you're going to do those jokes and that's fine, you got to have a reason to do those jokes. I mean, you know what I'm saying? It's just like the kick the bible is i i don't know man i just feel like even the word bible i saw a couple people get up and realize they had to go to the bathroom yeah i i get it i get what you're trying to do and yeah it is full of stupid stories i get it but

it's like you gotta have a really good, a very unique thought that comes when you're going to do it. There's almost nothing more depressing. It's almost less depressing to talk about somebody's like a death than it is to talk about the Bible possibly being realistic. Like it just makes people uncomfortable nowadays. Something's happened in the last five to ten years and obviously a little bit before that. But people are just done with religion, man. It's been done right before many, many times, though.

Joe Rogan's Noah's Ark bit, one of the biggest, best bits I've ever heard him ever do. That doesn't mean you can't do a premise on it, but you just gotta have... Listen, dude, if that's the stuff you like to do, you gotta fucking really go for it.

You know what I'm saying? You got to really bring that heat. Because at the end of the day, man, it's also about entertainment. Right. You can get them thinking, but you got to get them laughing. That's, again, why comedy is such a limited fucking art. Because if they don't laugh, they could be enjoying listening. But if they go five minutes without laughing, everyone's like, what's going on here?

Nobody's laughing. So you've got to fucking – if you're going to go in there, you've got to have a really good reason to go there. That's all I'm saying. There he goes, Kyle Shore, everybody. Let's keep it bumping. Am I being too serious? No, no, it's great. No, you're doing great.

I think you're funny, dude. Your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen, his name is Timmy Day. Timmy Day. Oh, shit. What do we got here? Timmy Day. Timmy Day, you are blacklisted. Oh, my God.

I like that. He got excited. Oh, I think he just came in his suit. He got excited on that one. Were you laughing in there on that one? That was a very orgasmic one. Oh, wow. All right, Timmy Day, you are blacklisted.

Heck yeah. Put your hands together for Jason Bogart. Oh, my God. Nigga, enjoy this ride. I see that Madden. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. I knew you, Jason. Put your hands together for Jason Bogart. Hell yeah. I know you, Jason. Have fun, buddy. Yeah, no, I wouldn't consider myself a stereotypical guy,

but I found out recently that Will Smith is my neighbor in Calabasas, and I got to admit, I started locking my doors at night. It's not that I think that all Scientologists are going to break into my car and put an alien in there, but the rich ones can. Will can afford that. He can put one of them stress testers on my steering wheel, which would screw it all up. You'll get in your car, you'll sit down,

you won't notice the alien. You'll look over, put on your seatbelt, see the alien, freak the fuck out, and then your steering wheel is going to tell you that you're stressed out. Suddenly, Hancock is going to come flying in from the sky with a Dianetics book, throw it in your lap, and say, come on, join my fucking

religion, motherfucker. Which is exactly what I don't want to do. Because you freak me out. Stay on your side of the fence, Will Smith. My grandma warned me about you people. Scientologists freak her out too. I'm not sure if that's a minute or not. I think you got it.

You got it right at the minute. I like that you thought it was going one way and it goes the other way. You think he was going to do a joke about black people stealing from him. Why would I do that? I'm black, Sam. I'm from Detroit. That's what I'm saying. That's where you're leading it to, and everyone's like, uh-oh, where are we going with this?

Boom, it's a Scientology joke. Totally. And I love how real it is. You really paint a picture of it being, hey, you're that guy. Holy shit. You live close to Will Smith. Wow. It's yours. Nobody else is – you're never going to hear anybody're that guy. Holy shit. You live close to Will Smith. Wow. It's yours.

Nobody else is. You're never going to hear anybody doing that joke. Yeah. I just found out I live next door to Will Smith. Boom. I love that about it. It's always things like that. But it's one in a million.

You can really own that premise. I mean, you can get into some crazy shit. Yeah. Take the ice cream scoop in the middle and take that shit out about the car and stuff like that. Yeah, I think you don't need the car. I think it would just be about living next door to a Scientologist and all the crazy shit they believe in. Right.

I realized halfway into it that I forgot to push record on my phone, so it just totally threw me off. Hey, you know what? Being a new comic, I get thrown off. You know this is a podcast with video and audio, right? You know that. You know this is a podcast with video and audio, right? Yeah, I know that now.

I knew that before, too. Wow. That's just part of the other joke. Oh, I see. You do have your phone set up there. You had that set up perfectly, probably. It was fed on. Will you see that camera right there?

Congratulations, my friend. would get rid of the car stuff Because then people are like They're focusing on stuff they don't need to Who wants to live next to a Scientologist And you can just go through Just general stuff Totally You got a great premise man

Thank you Rock and roll. All right. Go down. And a great dad. Someone didn't get donged. Donged. That's great.

Fraser Smith does a funny joke. He goes, how do you find Will Smith in the snow? How? You look for the Fresh Prince. Ah! And then he flicks his thumb with his... He does that after a joke. Come on, folks.

Fraser Smith is great. However, your next comedian is Kenneth Lyon, everybody. At Kenneth Lyon. Oh, here he is. I like Kenneth. He's a good guy. Here he is. What's going on?

How are you, buds? Good to see you. Doing good. Hello. Bought a ticket to a rave. Worst decision of my life. This guy by the name of David Guetta was playing. Horrible. this guy by the name of David Guetta was playing horrible I was in the crowd yelling David

get out of here that's it how many people were just part of that thing I feel like I heard it's like we were in a flash mob. Is that weird? I know. What the fuck was that?

Was that a vine mob? Is this like some kind of prank on us? This is the rock paper gang. Hell yeah, rock paper gang. They just bailed on you right there. How come I can't see them anywhere? By the way, you are the most Asian Asian I've seen in a long time. I think that's going to work well for you.

I've met you before. I like your energy. I think it's great. Great stage presence. I thought the joke was, I mean, if you're in the raves, you probably know who you're talking about. So, yeah, I mean, it's fine. David, get out of here. I got you.

What's that train going off? Oh, I see. All right, man. I'm going to give you some tips. Never have your phone on when you're showcasing or any of that. Definitely. Never even at a comedy club at all because anybody with any common sense. Have you got an agent yet?

No. Why aren't you doing that, dude? You're so Asian, you have Chinese writing on your shirt. I even think that translates to CAA. Do you have bound feet too? What are you doing, bro? Go get an agent. I told you that.

You're so super Asian, you're going to work like a motherfucker. Yeah. You're going to do Panda Express commercials. You're going to be manager at Verizon Wireless. You're just fucking... Totally. There's so much work out there, and you're just being a lazy fuck, man. Asians are hardworking people, bro.

You got to get out there and make it happen. Why aren't you doing it? Tony, tell them. I've been hanging out with you guys. Who are you hanging out with? Mozilla and Jim. Mozilla you're hanging out with? He's like, what are you, molesting this guy?

Yeah. What are you doing hanging out with Mozilla? Can't you tell somebody's not a good influence when they're under the influence? Driving you from one open mic to the next. Does he make you play with his Dragon Ball Z's? You've been hanging out on the pun master. Heck yeah.

Faux show. Faux show. You gotta get an agent. Stop being a bitch. Get a fucking agent. Seriously. Yeah. Seriously. Yeah. Mugzilla's not gonna introduce you to the right people in this town. No. See that? He has elephantitis of his neck.

Oh, nothing on that, people? Do I need to show you what Mugzilla looks like to get a laugh? Oh, okay. Sorry. Fuck yeah, man. Do you skateboard? Is that what I always see? Yeah. That's interesting.

Asian skateboarding. Well, because... Someone in their 20s is skateboarding? That's interesting. How old are you? How old are you? He could be like... In Asian, they always look young.

This guy could be like 85. You're not old enough to be in here. No. All right. There he goes, everybody. Kenneth Lyon. I picked another name. I was like, I was trying to look for facial hair and then I realized he's Asian.

So there's never going to be hair there. You'd be like 97. Yeah, you can never tell with them. Get a fucking agent. Yeah. Take it later, buddy. I just got you kicked out. Alright, everybody. Your just got you kicked out. All right, everybody.

Your next comedian's name is Jonathan Tumblin. Oh, snap. Here we go. Weren't you the manager here at one point? No. Oh, man. But I do have a joke about having a job okay that's good good segue for me that's original for a black guy come on it's jokes set up i tutor rich white kids in westwood and um i'm a math tutor and like i had a head fuck one time i tutored an asian kid and i

don't think he thought that black people could do math he was quite he was fighting me the whole time or whatever but the kid I mainly tutor is this kid he's addicted to this game called Minecraft yeah well she's addicted to it too it sucks it's a stupid game everybody should stop playing it's a cult following but his mom hates that he plays it so she she's like, Jonathan, could you make sure that Sam does his homework instead of playing Minecraft? I'm like, sure. And then I tell him, you gotta put the game up. He's like, well, what else

am I supposed to do? So I tell him the only thing myself as a 28-year-old man could tell a 13-year-old kid is discover yourself, man. Play with your dick. And that's my joke. How old is he? He's 13. Oh my god. That's great. True story. That's's my joke. How old is he? 13. Oh my God.

That's great. True story. That's my creepy fast. I loved it. It went from like inspirational a math thing to jerking off. This is a great example

of when how long you been doing comedy? Eight months. Okay. Wow. When you say the detail of he likes Warcraft is that what it is?

Mine Warcraft? Minecraft. Minecraft. Well, now you say that, it's unnecessary detail. You're painting too much of a picture. And I think when you're really a young comic, you want to overpaint the picture. You're giving so much detail, you get away from getting to the punchline. The key is to say only what's pertinent to your crowd understanding the punchline.

Unless it is coming back to Minecraft, we don't need to know it's Minecraft. All of a sudden, people are thinking, do I know that game? Do I not? Is it Minesweeper is where my brain went? But he might get bonus points if there's people in the audience that like Minecraft. Yeah, if you're playing Comic-Con. They're trying to bang elves. Yeah, but if you're gonna say

the game, then there should be a joke about the game. Right, but in the joke that you're doing, it should just be it's tough for him to pay attention. Yeah, he's addicted to video. And then you can just go into that about you know, I wouldn't say touch a dick because that's going to get uncomfortable. Touch your head, your head craft.

What happens before that? How about just getting some pussy, man? Why not? What happens before that? Am I wrong? Did I go too far on that one? At 13, he wasn't trying to get laid. That's right.

When I had my first Hawaiian Tropic magazine and I was blowing loads all over my own chest. These kids don't even jerk off the magazines anymore. They got Game Boys. Oh, it's crazy. They got fucking... Ligety Flukes. Yeah.

So that's why I would say it's a funny joke. I would go more into, you know, black eye teaching math. That's a funny part. Then go into the addiction. Yeah, I have like a whole, like, four minutes. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I got you. But, yeah, that's the biggest thing you learn. Know when to paint a a whole, like four minutes. Yeah, yeah, okay, I got you. But yeah,

that's the biggest thing you learn. Know when to paint a detail, know when not to. All right. What's pertinent to you? How quickly can you get to your punchline? Here's the thing about comedy. This is what you want to do.

You want to take your joke, you want to cut it down, then tag the fuck out of it. How quickly can I get to what's going to make you laugh? That's what you got to learn. I remember learning that about five,

six, seven months into doing comedy. And I learned it in La Jolla from you and it changed the game for me. Yeah. I went in and cut out all the fat on so many things when I was doing it about as long as you are. And once you do that, you learn really quick,

but it's still a, yeah. Great job. Jonathan Tumblin. Very funny. Good job. Here we go. Yes. Iron Patriot. that you learn really quick but it's still a yeah great job Jonathan Tumblin very good job there we go yes Iron Patriot once we were having that discussion with Sarah

she was talking about how the detail is important like you know if you say a car say what type of car so there is that balance you know yeah it all really depends on whether it's all situation to situation right right I mean it's important situation to situation. Right, right. I mean, it's important in certain aspects, but

there, he said that, and it was just really, if he just said video games, he could have moved on. We got the picture. Is Adelston Fitzgerald Holder here? Blacklist him. Blacklist him.

Blacklist him Blacklist him Blacklist him I think you need You gotta take a jiffy loop You owe us a little bit more than that Really commit to this one That's way better Fuck yeah that's what I'm talking about. Adelston, you blacklisted motherfucker.

All right. Matty Chimebore. Whoa, here he is. At Matty Chimebore. Ghost watching me jerk it. I actually changed it. Is that all right? It's okay.

It's okay, cool. What's up, guys? I don't like hooking up with girls who are smarter than me because when they talk dirty, I got to stop and think. Kind of bothers me. This girl's like, I'm hooking up with her, and she's like, oh, yeah, treat me like the Seventh Amendment. I'm like, what?

Like, what the fuck? This is some bullshit. Like, she wanted me to treat her like the Seventh Amendment, but I fucked her like, thou shall not steal, because I don't know the difference between amendment and commandment. Fuck. But it's like, I was so, it was such an awful feeling. I was so confused. Like, you know that feeling when you're in high school and you got a test and you read over the first few questions and you had no fucking clue what was going on?

That's how my dick felt. It was pretty bad. And that joke was fucking rough. Thanks, guys. Dude, I get it. I think it... I thought it was funny. There you go. People like it. Thank you. Yeah, I just couldn't pay attention to it. Why?

There's something about, like... There's a lot of people talking about commandments and religion and shit, and it's just creeping me out. Like, Scientology, I don't mind because it hasn't been a topic for 2,000 years. I mean literally all the jokes about religion, I guarantee you they've been done. I mean that's all there was to talk about. That's a nice little twist. But I also just – all I'm saying is I couldn't listen because there's just something in my brain that just shuts off now when I hear the word Bible or

commandments. Maybe it's just something I'm noticing about myself recently. I guess tonight. I'm the same way. Isn't it weird? Something's going on to where it just seems... Sports is the same way as me. Religion is sports. What do you want to talk about? Dolphin pussy all day? I could talk about dolphin pussy all day.

What do you want to know? I think it's funny, dude. I mean, yeah. I mean, it just needs a... I think you could get a better example of what you could say, and you just try different ones. You know what? Because when you drop a punchline on them,

they got to digest it. Now you got them overthinking. You know what I'm saying? It's even your joke is that. But I think it's a funny premise. I like it. How long have you been doing stand-up? I'll be like three years in November. You've lived in LA the whole time?

Yeah. I think he's got good stage presence too. Do you have a girlfriend? Have you been single the whole time? I had a girl when I first met her. So you're just tapping ass right now? How's it going for you? Got you good weeks and bad weeks.

I love that. Instead of good days and bad days, it's either just weeks of good or weeks of bad. There's droughts. I respect the droughts. It does one week stands. Droughts are good, man. When you don't fuck a girl for like a month, there's a lot more pretty girls around.

When you start getting really bad, do you bang fat chicks? Dude, slump busters. Yes. Yes, dude. I have to. It's good to see guys are doing that. Slump buster. Slump buster. How old are you? 26. Yeah, man. Back when I lived in Vegas, man. Oh, Jesus Christ. I go two weeks. It's like I'm just crushing

pigs. Really? Oh, yeah. What is wrong with you kids? I'm talking about, baby. I don't care. That's what it is. Sometimes you gotta do that, bro. What is wrong with you kids? I'm talking about baby. I don't care. That's what it is. Sometimes you gotta do that, bro. That's where you do it? Vegas? Dude, you know what, man? Sometimes you just gotta... If you haven't been laid for a while, girls know that.

It's in your eyes. Fat chicks in Vegas. This guy goes from blackjack to jack-in-the-box looking for pussy. Let's see. Fat chicks or Asian massage parlors for $40. It doesn't count, dude. It doesn't count. It doesn't count?

Paying for it? Nope. There's something about your soul that just eases it when a girl gives it up. Is it the Cool Ranch Dorito flakes all over your chest when you're done? No, dude.

It's paying for a hand job, which I'm not against. I didn't say anything about paying for it. It's just not the same thing, dude. When a girl looks you in the eye and says, you can be inside me. That means something.

It's the thrill of the hunt. Right? You have to take down a slow one every now and then. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes I want an easy kill. I don't want to chase the gazelle all over the place.

Right. I just want to crush the old turtle just walking around. Right. Plus, they love it. They appreciate it. They work way harder. That's true. They want Plus, they love it. They appreciate it. They work way harder. That's true.

They want you to... They're all about repeat business. Yeah, exactly. They want a good Yelp review. You know what I'm saying? She may be big. She crushes dick. Right.

Yeah, but they're also the ones that try to get pregnant. Well, they already... What? You got to watch out for the slow ones. Really? Yeah. Not necessarily. Yeah.

They only got laid in two years. You probably were the first person to fuck them in two years. They're going to try to get laid. Dude, why do you? No, dude. You don't think fat chicks get laid? Sam likes a girl that he can pound and then go get ice cream with her afterwards. Yeah, pretty much.

I don't know why that's a bad thing. Who wants a bone bones? Not this guy. Give me some pushing. I want to go top rope. Bam! He's a chubby chaser. Thank you.

There you go. Iron patriot. The human hashtag over here. Straight from Caddyshack, everybody. Good job. All right, there he goes. Matty Chimebor. at Matty Chimebor. Patreons together for Zane Helberg.

Zane! Yee-hoo! Good fucking evening. So life is all right. Me and my girlfriend are gaining weight together. It's bad. I think we've got a combined 50 pounds on us right now. It's causing fights.

We're little fucking cherubs. She motorboated me the other day. That doesn't resonate with you? She put her head in between my breasts. We were in the shower together with our fucking fat, disgusting bellies just rubbing together. And she, I mean, her boobs are getting bigger. So she gave me the little, the squeeze. And I, for whatever fucking reason, squeezed back.

And she just went for it. And it was the worst fucking day of my life. We were just broke and fat and angry and starting fights. The only thing we have left is pregnancy. All right, that's it. Thank you. That was really good. Let me tell you something.

I thought that was great. That's the set of the night, in my opinion, so far. I like that. So it's such real, honest, true self-deprecation and it's stuff that nobody wants to talk about and you're just coming out and owning it. It's fucking hilarious. I found

myself laughing throughout almost the entire thing. I love everything about it and that is a great fucking thing to be able to own. Those are great jokes that you could also go on, sorry. One more thing and and especially that'll always resonate in this tough economy

where people are struggling and they do just want to... Everybody wants to be healthy and everybody's poor and it's just everything that you're saying resonates with just about everybody and I think it's just great and real and you can't beat it when it's both real and connective and people can relate.

It's always great to have a joke like that, a really easily digestible joke. Hey, wait, wait. Where are you going? We haven't gotten to the really, really bad news yet. No, I'm kidding. I think it's a funny joke. I thought it was cut down and it's fast and it would work probably everywhere. Right.

And those are good to have have a couple of those jokes yeah so then if you want to go do all the more smart all the more like wordy jokes where you want to go hey look how fucking smart i am you can do those too and you have a couple of those are just really great fucking boom boom gonna kill anyone you can walk up on stage anywhere do that open with that joke and it's gonna kill that's a great fucking joke thank you very much and then you can really run with that ball and write it in you know afterwards with something that starts like uh you know and i know a lot of people find it strange that i called my girlfriend fat but and then you can get into a whole nother premise by delving back and then coming back again because that's its whole other thing.

It's what you fell in love with. It's whatever that whole thing is. I mean, that's not even a tag. That's just a whole new premise that you can have from there about talking, about saying that your girlfriend's fat because that sounds like a whole other great joke.

I love it. I love it too. I want a titty fuck you. Thank you very much. At Zane Helberg great joke. I love it. I love it, too. I want to fuck you. Thank you. Thank you. Boom. I love that. I want to titty.

Fuck you. That's really funny. Real shit. I love it. All right. Put your hands together for Jim. Jim ain't getting blacklisted. He's here.

Live in the flesh. Y'all ready for this? Oh shit Sam got excited Come on, sports jock Hi, belly room Hey My name is Jim, that's G-E-M

What was your name again? You're very hot I really liked your set Thanks I'm a little rusty at this You're very hot. I really like your scent. Thanks. I'm a little rusty at this. I mean, not like if I penetrate you I'm going to give you tetanus. But, you know, it's been a while.

I moved out here 16 months ago to Los Angeles. Living in Los Angeles. When I first got here I was living in Beverly Hills. It was in my car. But when you're living in your car, you know, people mess I was living in Beverly Hills. It was in my car. But when you're living in your car, people mess with you once in a while. One time, this guy was like, I was walking my dog, Curly, and this guy was like, hey, why don't you get back in your clown car and get the hell out of here? And I was like, sir, it may be a clown car, but it is a Rodeo clown car.

And then I got back in my car, set his mailbox on fire, and got out of there. Yeah. All right. My name is Jim. That's G-E-M. Thanks. I don't know where Tony went. He had to snap one off, he said.

He had to jerk one off. Snap one off. That's so funny. By the way, you hitting on her, I imagine that's what every Renaissance festival must look like. The joke's good. I think you got to just find a little tag. I mean, I'm sure, you know,

this room is like, this is a morgue. Pretty much. But I think it's a funny joke. Yeah, I think it's funny, dude. Yeah, I mean, your bit was cute where the Beverly Hills one, I was like, you know, like ba-bum-bum-tsch type thing. I had to pee so bad. I did the joke you wrote me last year.

I did it? I wrote you a joke? Yeah, the Rodeo clown, the Rodeo drive. How'd it go? It went all right. They liked it. I loved it. Yeah, they liked it.

Well, look at you pulling a little trick on me. Yeah, but you got me back because all right. They liked it. I loved it. Yeah, they liked it. Well, look at you, pulling a little trick on me. Yeah, but you got me back because you weren't here for it. I was like, damn. Because you did it, Joe. How long have you been doing comedy? 16 months. Oh, wow. You moved out here to be a comedian?

Yeah. That's cool. What did you do before that? Grew marijuana. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I feel bad. They're legalizing weed. It's like, what are drug dealers going to do now? I know. Like, where's that skill? Molly. Molly.

Molly. Mushrooms? Oh, yeah. Mushrooms. They just moved to the next thing. Molly. Molly, dude? Cigarettes.

I did 35 months in prison in England for Molly. Really? Yeah, you guys don't want to do Molly. You did 35 months in prison for Molly? That's what you should be talking about, dude. Methyl-e-doxy. Your fucking car in Beverly Hills? It's funny. That's the

most interesting thing. That's all you got to say. I did 35 months in prison for Molly. Good night. Bam. Done. How much Molly did you have? That's the baddest motherfucker here. The thing about England is they busted me with 92 pills of ecstasy, right?

And then they took my passport and they let me go. And then I went out and then they came and got me. Six months later, they found me because I absconded. I don't know, 35 months. They found another 230 pills. Oh, shit. Jesus.

Well, I guess you're going to be having that much. Is British prison like Clockwork Orange? Just a bunch of gangs with fucking top hats? No, they gave you tea every day. It was really mellow, actually. Really? Yeah. That's what you got to talk about, dude,

because nobody's talking about that. Exactly. 35 months in a Britain prison? Really? Yeah. Nobody talks about that, dude. And all you got to do is take everything that people know about prisons and make it British prison, and you'll be crushing it.

Yep. Make a Downton Abbey reference. Iron Patriot agreed as well. Talk about the tea. A lot of people are homeless, but not many people have done that. Yeah, I mean, I think that'd be great. Yeah, I agree. How polite are prison rapes in Britain?

G'day, sir. Today I'm going to be entering your arse. That's three years, right? One month shy under three years. One month shy of three years. You did all the raping, didn't you? No, no.

There was no raping. You smoked some heroin in English prison. Oh, really? Yeah, that was nice. Are you sure you didn't rape somebody named Molly? Yeah. Is that how you get three years for Molly? No.

Methylene, dioxin, methyl amphetamine. Oh, my God. Look at DNA. That's what you should be talking about, dude. That's the funniest shit. Next week. Next week. There you go. Absolutely. And really dolamphetamine. Oh, my God. Look at DNA. That's what you should be talking about, dude. That's funny as shit. Next week. Next week. There you go.

Absolutely. And really do the mustache up. It just adds that kind of like... You can find me some good Molly, because this shit out here in LA sucks. Yeah. Jem, you're not on Twitter? Yeah. Jem Funnyfuck.

Funnyfuck? At Jem Funnyfuck. There he goes. They gave you that? Yeah. That's awesome. Jem. Thank you.

That's G-E-M, funny fuck. All right. Put your hands together for Hanok. Here he is. I love what's going on here. So, guys. So, I love Match.com. Match.com, you know, they say that one in five marriages start online.

But I also read that one in seven cases of sexual abuse start online, too. So I did the math, and it turns out there's a chance of one in 35 of being raped by your soulmate. It's a good joke. Those are good odds. Those are good odds. So I have a tip. You know, if you're doing online dating, and as a guy,

you got to be creative if you want to stand out. Like I messaged this tall girl with beautiful legs, high heels, childbearing ankles, and I messaged her, what do you like to do on your free time other than work on those legs? You know, because chicks dig compliments. So I messaged her again, you know, I messaged her again, and I said this time, if we went out on a date and you wore your highest heels, how tall would you be? See what I did there? I get in her head. She can see herself

standing next to me, wearing her highest heels, showing off her legs, feeling sassy. She didn't reply, and that's okay. You know, she's playing hard to get. So I knew I had to close the deal with a plastic line. There you go. Hand knock. I didn't want to cut him off, but then it wouldn't be fair. Let me ask you, is it hard dating in a country where women have rights?

Colombia, women can vote. Oh, they can, okay. Yeah, yeah, they can. Since 1957. Since, hey, sounds like you've been asked that before. Yeah. Yeah, man. Isn't that crazy that women used to not have the same rights as us,

and we used to throw them around and drag them around, and they had to clean? Yep. It used to be a cool place to live. Yeah, right? That's so weird, though, that we actually, I mean, I guess it's just like racist people, you know, like the blacks and whites. Yeah.

But, yeah, it makes you think, huh? What? What are you thinking? I don't know. You thinking about trying to make it so they can't vote again? Yeah. No.

Start a... I'm cool with that. It's just weird to me thinking about that. I was just thinking, I saw a documentary recently. It was an old documentary. The guy treated the woman like shit and just freaked me out.

I was like, holy shit. Oh, wait, this is an old movie. Yeah. I love... I don't know if you guys have ever seen the old commercial highlight reels where it's like coffee commercials in it. You, this is the worst cup... It's like a nice wife walking around.

She's pouring her husband coffee. He takes a sip. All these commercials used to be like, this is the worst coffee ever. What's your problem, you idiot? It was like all these old commercials, and that just used to be how they would sell shit. It's like, yeah, I want the other coffee. My wife needs to stop sucking at things. It's pretty interesting.

I miss those days. I like that you joke. I think it's a funny joke. I don't know. I guess you didn't get the finish So I didn't get to hear the big punch What is the big punchline? The big punchline is that The next one

The final line is So what are you wearing? So guys That's how you do it That's how you freak bitches out She blocked me I cannot online date her But you know That's how you freak bitches out. She blocked me. I cannot online date her. But, you know, that's pretty much it.

So you're stalking? Yeah, kind of. Kind of. I think it's funny. Right. I mean, it's funny. I like it. It's good.

You could even make that block thing. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Don Barris is here, everybody. Ding dong show starting in T- Barris is here, everybody. Ding dong show starting in T-minus 20 minutes, everybody. The longest running show here at the Comedy Store. What's a twist you can do? We got to get the last person up. Thank you very much, man.

You were great, dude. Am I sucking at this? No, it's amazing. Dude, you're fucking killing. What are you talking about? I don't know how this normally goes. Oh, you want to... Okay. Alright, so Dude you're fucking killing I don't know how this normally goes Oh you wanna Oh okay Alright so that's the comedians Through the bucket that we were able to get through Put your hands together for them everybody this week

Very very exciting And right now We are going to switch it over Back to our running storyline Are we just bringing her up to do Comedy Put your hands together for her Death Squad debut it over back to our running storyline. Are we just bringing her up to do comedy? Put your hands together for her Death Squad debut

and the debut of her work on Kill Tony here on episode 5. She's already a comedian. She's getting fucking drunk before the show. She'll be drunk after the show. Put your hands together for everybody. It's Kim Congdon. Here she is. Kimberly Congdon. Kim Congdon.

Here she is. Kimberly Congdon. Hi, y'all. Hello, what's up? I'm from Florida. I just did my first stand-up. I think they said that earlier tonight, like my first time ever. My mom is Puerto Rican.

We grew up real poor. I'm familiar with the way, like, I don't know the difference between good milk, expired milk. It all tastes the same, you know. Growing up poor, we didn't have, like, the stuff white people had. We didn't fucking eat hummus and pick fruit and have fucking bottled water in the fridge. My mom didn't know what grade I was in, you know, like shit like that. So it was good to have white friends. I feel like that's something you need in your life when you don't have

white people around. And it was always cool going out to dinner with my white friends because their parents would order appetizers. And that's something I never got. Like, that is insane. Like, you can eat before your fucking meal. And you don't have to split your plate. That's great. Is that the same? Okay.

That was good for your first time, well first day. I love it. That's awesome. I think it's funny. It's a pretty easy fix in my opinion. The way to get a big pop off that would be to move the word

appetizers to the end of it. You know what I mean? You start it off with appetizers, and then you explain why that is. Instead, I would say, you know, when I hung out with my white friends, we had something that we never got growing up the way I did,

and that one thing, you know, and this way it pops because it sneaks in. You're sneaking in a punchline in the front instead of it coming at the back. Cool. Patriot, I want to hear your 10 cents on the new regular. Have you done theater or anything?

No, I'm at school right now. My outside concentration is theater. I did my class. Hold on. What? Your outside concentration? Yeah. Is that a new thing?

Yeah, it's like a minor, I guess. But why are they called outside concentration? Yeah, where the fuck are you going to college? Nazi Germany? Yeah, if you were to listen to like what you did also, there was a lot of parts

where you're like, you know, we didn't have, you know, things in our fridge and this and that. Then you can give an example like in our fridge

we kept our animals, you know, or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's great. For a first time, that's pretty bad fucking ass.

What's your favorite appetizer? You like potato skins, fried cheese? Oh, I love potato skins. Yeah. Are you hitting on her? I'll take you to the Olive Garden. That's right.

I love you, Iron Patriot. He's great, right? Yeah, it was good, man. You did great. Thank you. That's awesome. All right, we'll see you next week. Can you be here next Monday? Yeah, for sure. All right. So she great. Thank you. That's awesome. All right. We'll see you next week. Can you be here next Monday?

Yeah, for sure. All right. So she's now closing out the show all the time? That's right. She's out? Until Sarah's off probation, decided at a later date. Plus, we do know that... What's that?

Why is Sarah on probation? She missed her spot last week. I didn't pay for fucking parking. Oh, see, now I can tell by the attitude that she doesn't realize what she's done wrong. So you can extend it another week guaranteed. What was that, Don? You know what that horn means. That means probation just got extended, everybody.

Oh, I was hitting money in my fucking meter. Oh, my God, I had to do it. It's a minute. You would have been a minute late difference. Is that what you're going to tell Letterman? Is that what you're going to tell Letterman when you miss your spot on Letterman? Oh, I was putting money in my fucking meter, David Letterman.

It has nothing to do with what time we start. The show starts when we start the show. Do you have any friends? Any friends? You know how much a parking ticket is? 40 bucks. You know how many people would pay 40 bucks to be on the show every week?

A lot. A lot. Two people would do that. Two people. Okay. That's 80 bucks, though. All right. 30 seconds each.

Here's the thing. She might be a superstar. She may never relinquish this spot But you're going to have to wait How bad do you want it? Luckily for you Best case scenario She could be the Lou Gehrig She has to go back to college in a month or two

I do Where do you go to college? University of Florida Wow, that's great Unless she gets pregnant Wow. That's great. Go Gators. A chomping Gator. Unless she gets pregnant. Hey. We'll see what happens. I love the mini rivalry that we've built between

Sarah and Kimberly. It's like, who's going to win? The Gator or the Cougar? I'm just kidding. You're a young Cougar. You're so offended. I love it. I love it. Oh, you're so offended. I love it. I love it. Oh, look.

Weight joke. Oh, you really burned me on that one. What are you, right for the roast or something? Oh, my God. Anyway, fun show. Kim, good job. Yeah, Kim, good job. Kim Congdon.

That's on Twitter again. What is it? Kimberly Can. Can. C-A-N? C-A-N. Kimberly Can with a K. Is there an E-Y or just Y? L-Y. C-A-N? C-A-N. Kimberly Kan with a K. Is there an E-Y or just Y?

L-Y. L-Y. Kimberly Kan. C-A-N. At Kimberly Kan on Twitter. Get into the drama. Tell her how you feel. Get into at Sarah Dresses.

Bash her for missing her spot. And who knows? Maybe we'll throw in some challenge things that maybe she can get involved with to sabotage. Maybe we can have a sabotage aspect of it. It's true. We'll figure this out. We have a place of mud wrestling. Mud wrestling.

Oh, there you go. Oh, come on, Iron Creepy. The Iron, what is he? The Head of Insecurity here. The Head of Insecurity. It's been so much fun. Sam Tripoli, you are unbelievable.

I knew when I came up with this format with Brian that I could not wait to get you on this show and my god am I so excited about it. I want to kill myself. Such a funny funny job. Listen to everything that Sam does. The Punch Drunk

podcast. Go on Sam. I hate life. that Sam does. The Punch Drunk podcast. Go on, Sam. I hate life. Light it up. The Naughty Show is coming up. The Naughty Show, Punch Drunk Sports. Check them all out. iTunes, Stitcher.

Sam Tripoli on Twitter is the big one. Thanks for having me here, guys. You guys all did great. You're all very funny. Sam Tripoli. Follow at Comic Patriot on Twitter. He's here every week lighting it up literally uh i'm at tony hinchcliffe on twitter and i'm red van yes of course the one and only red van thank you as

always so much fun thank you everyone for coming out come back next week and get on the show kill tony Kill Tony.