KILL TONY - KILL TONY #51

Episode Date: June 3, 2014

Steve Simeone, Jason Gillearn, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 05/19/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBan, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Please subscribe to us on iTunes. Just search for DeathSquad and hit subscribe. Also, go to our website, DeathSquad.tv, for all the links to everything you need, including the video portion of this podcast, or the DeathSquad store, ShopSquad.tv, where we have limited edition KittyKat t-shirts that are for sale. There's a few sizes left, but once they're gone, they're gone forever.

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Kill Tony and then a Thunder Pussy. And then July 24th, we're doing a comedy show, a Death Squad Super Show. And we're doing it at the American Comedy Co. again this year during Comic-Con. It's a lot of fun. A lot of people come out. It's going to be a big party. So check us out, DeathSquad.TV

or go to AmericanComedyCo.com and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is redman come to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill tony volume two Give it up for Tony Hedges! Yeah, everybody. Dreams are coming true. How you guys doing tonight? Okie dokie. Fuck yeah.

That's fucking typical belly room energy after... Come on. Typical belly room energy after... Come on. Doesn't that song about the soft acoustic music that Brian plays right before the show get you guys heated up or what? Jesus Christ. Hey, we could go back to balls in the butthole if you wanted. I don't know why you want to torture these people every time right before a show. But it's very awkward.

It's very interesting, pent up something. I don't know what that is. Issues of torturing a crowd before the show starts. You don't like acoustic rap? No. There's a reason why there's no successful acoustic rap because it's garbage.

It's mixing two different things and it just doesn't come together well but you know what does come together well me and your friendships this weekend Brian and I were in Las Vegas Nevada everybody it was a lot of fun

don't actually have to clap for it but I mean the half clap that you gave was more awkward than nothing at all but we had fun it was crazy times fun shows in Vegas. Thank you Vegas people for coming out. A lot of fans of the show were there and we did

Doug Loves Movies. That was a lot of fun. Yeah, Doug Loves Movies was great. Our shows were great. We only threw that show together in like a week and it's still amazing even with such short time period even with such horrible like the place that we played at didn't even have us on their website.

They had Sam Tripoli for some reason on their website as a free show. There was all these problems, but still, 80 people came out. So that was really cool to be able to do. What's amazing is that we're living in an age where we can actually do that. Comedians back in the day,

I guess people read the newspapers and shit and like listen to radio ads so right they could only find out from so many ways but it's great that we could just tweet some stuff and have people show up and have a lot of fun so thanks Vegas that was fun it's great exciting times uh we also lost you you won money I me and Sarah lost a lot of money Vegas is it's amazing because each time I go there, things are a little bit different. Like in the major slots are now Willy Wonka, which is amazing, by the way.

It's incredible. How much did you win that? You won on one slot machine. You won something like $250 or something like that. Yep. And I didn't even hit the button. It was very, very shady. Really?

I remember at the moment, Tiana was to my left and you had just gone like back left and I saw you sitting in an American Idol slot machine and I was hitting go, go, go. I mean, we're just jumping from slot to slot,

but I remember turning around and not hitting the button and going, hey, Brian, what do you have to sing to win on that slot machine? And then I heard Sarah Tiana, who's where you're sitting right now, she just goes, oh, my God, Tony, look!

And hit my slot machine, and it's just like 209. The thing's just going tickety-tickety-tickety-tick. I love that noise of Vegas winning. Mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling, mling. And it just keeps going. M-L-I-N-G. Hashtag mling. Yeah.

And it sucks. It's weird because all the slot machines are all digital now. They have, like, cameras on. Some of them have cameras on them so that they can see if you're smiling and not. So the whole time I'm trying to hack it, I'm like, man, this casino sucks. They don't pay out anything. Yeah. Brian had the strangest conspiracy that you could talk to the slot machine.

So there he is. He's just like, man, I'm not winning anything. I think I'm going to leave this casino. He's like, people walking around think, well, they thought we were all crazy because I was at the Willy Wonka machine. And all of a sudden, they have these songs that play, you know, that bring it back. And then there I am every time I would win on Wonka, just like, And you'll be in a world of pure imagination. And I had that in my head all weekend.

So I was singing Willy Wonka all weekend in Vegas. Started smoking cigarettes again. Thank you very much. I took six months off of cigarette smoking, and now I am back and stronger than ever, people. That's right. One month until my 30th birthday. Am I going to quit then? Probably not.

I'm back, and I'm a mean, badass motherfucker smoking cigarettes, just like the villain I've always been told that I could be. And it's mostly because of the Golden Nugget. We stayed in old downtown Vegas. First time I ever really stayed there. Which is basically like staying in a pack of Marlboro Lights. Yeah, in old downtown Vegas. First time I ever really stayed there. Which is basically like staying in a pack of Marlboro Lights. The smoking rooms there, it's crazy.

That was like the room was smoking a cigarette. That's where people from all around the country that are good at smoking cigarettes go to smoke cigarettes. It's like the Comic Con of cigarettes, downtown Las Vegas. I tell you, it's great smoking in bed, though. Like, half asleep, drunk with a fucking cigarette.

I couldn't bring myself to do that on opening weekend. That's like being on a first date with a chick and just, like, going down on her ass during a movie. No, guys? You haven't done that before? All right. These chicks love that one. They fucking can't even look at me after that. They're like, oh, my god, that's my dream.

Everybody loves having their butt eaten out, people. So until you can admit that to yourself... Do you? Really? I mean, I'm not... Do you like a little finger? I can't speak for myself, but I mean... Nobody can truly just admit that they like it.

That's just like part of the code of butt eating. I will not allow a woman near my butt. You're literally full of shit. No, I really won't. That's awful. That's a horrible area. I have seen it. When I'm in hotel rooms... But if a woman

snuck it on you, it's not like she's going to be like, I'm going to eat your ass out now. Warning, warning, ass eating, taking place. I would throw her head against the wall and run away. That's domestic violence, Brian. That, after throwing a girl's head against the wall, is the best time

to eat her ass. I'll eat her ass. The best part is, if you stay at a hotel, you can lay on the counter and just open up your butt and look. Because the mirror is so big and just look at it. It's the only place to look at your butthole. Jeez, I almost fell off the stage.

That's God telling you you shouldn't have talked about that. No, I haven't done that. I don't spread my cheeks and lay on a counter, you would say? The counter in the bathroom. You know how the bathrooms in hotels are really big mirrors with really long counters? And it's super bright. And they sometimes even have that second mirror that you can really freak your ass out. And you just lay there, open up a cheek, and you can look at it.

It's so perfect. It's like the best butthole. Let's rebuild to where we were a few seconds ago. And everybody was able to pay attention to what was happening. This is a very eccentric crowd tonight. I'm very glad to have you guys here. I could tell some of us may have smoked pop before this.

As people's... Fuck yeah. Anyway. I'm very excited. Last week was so much fun. We had Rowdy Roddy Piper swing in for a moment and give some amazing advice. That was history. And I'm very excited about this week as well. Our Patriot this week is a returning Patriot considered by many to be one of

the best heads of security we ever had. Worst producers, one of the worst producers in podcast history, without a doubt. And one of our favorites here at the comedy store overall as a human being. But the last time he was the Patriot was in our fun La Jolla episode. And he is back in Hollywood to do it again. Put your hands together for the one and only Iron Josh, everybody.

Wow. Got a drink. You look good? Why do you feel horrible, Josh? It's true. It's true. Wow. The robot voice actually helps your speech impediment. Wow. I have a broken voice and a broken light. I'm like half working right now.

The robot voice actually helps your speech impediment. You can barely tell that you can't say R's or L's. Well, maybe I should just wear the helmet all the time. That's true. You should wear a helmet all the time. It'd probably be good for you. Iron Josh, do you ever let a girl

eat your ass out before? Have you ever eaten an ass play? No, do you ever let a girl eat your ass out before? Have you ever eaten ass play? No, but I like eating a girl's ass. How much do you like it? You know. No, I don't know. That's why I just asked you, you dumb fuck. You know.

That's not an answer to a question. How am I supposed to answer that? A lot? I like eating girls' butts a lot. Okay, let's put it this way. Like, if you had to... I grew into it, though. I didn't used to like eating girls' asses.

I was kind of scared of it also. Let's say you're down on a girl for 10 minutes. How much of that time is spent on the vagina? How much is spent on the nugget of love? The golden nugget. The brunt. We're imagining that I'm actually with a girl. Alright, a guy.

Alright, how... 10 minutes sucking a guy's dick. I don't know. I... Alright, Josh Martin, everybody. He's the patriot this week. He's an improvisational guru, as you could tell. I mean, he just really just rolls with everything.

Doesn't realize that there is no wrong answer while wearing a robot suit. When you're an ass, you kind of lose track of time. Robots are supposed to be smart, Josh. Do you know that? Not many robots I've heard go, no, I don't know. Oh, nothing on that, people? Did we forget where we were? I guess so.

I love your camel toe, by the way. That outfit's just a little bit too short on you. It really rides up high. I love that. Gotta show the ladies the jump. There you go. Fuck yeah. Maybe he is straight after all. So thank you, Josh, for being part of the show.

He's going to be keeping us safe from people just in case anything crazy happens. If any girls decide to attack us, he might be able to do something. Yeah. Probably not. What was your weekend like, Josh? Anything crazy happen? I got attacked by a gay guy. Oh, that's exciting.

Like, did he put you on the ground and just go to town, or what? No, he threatened to spit blood in my face. Oh. He gave me HIV. Oh, wow. Looks like you're starting battles that... Yikes. That's scary.

Is that... That's probably really illegal. That's scary. That's probably really illegal. That's probably like almost having a gun. Oh, it's definitely illegal. Why don't you do something about it? Why don't you call the police about it? You know... Yeah, that sounds like a good thing to do. I'm wearing an Iron Man costume. I don't think I can be taken serious in this costume. Well, take off the costume.

Alright. This is me. I look better in this costume. Josh, I don't think you really understand exactly what's going on here tonight I know very very fun I can't imagine how this must feel to the very very stoned audience

it's just like what the fuck is that thing there and why is it so confused but thanks Josh for everything a couple weeks ago he spilled vodka on me. Tequila. Good. There you go. There you go. You're finally right about something. The thing that you spilled on me. Guys, let's get to the point, shall we? Tonight's guests are two of my favorite people. As always, I have two of my favorite comedian friends here to

chat with everybody and the comedians that get on the show. This week's no different. A guy that I've been trying to get on from the very beginning. Both of them. And here they are, ladies and gentlemen. The great Steve Simone and Jason Galern, everybody.

Two of my funniest friends. Here they come. Steve Simone. And Jason Galern. It's like the Royal Rumble. They're coming out in intervals, and I like that. Two of my funniest friends.

How are you guys doing? Good. Thanks for coming on. It's good to have you. I'm very excited to be on. Last week, Roddy Piper was here, and you're friends with Roddy Piper, Steve. Yeah, it's the best thing ever. Yeah.

We get to live out our childhoods at nighttime every time he comes here. Yeah, it's the craziest thing in life. So much fun. Right? You ever have that moment where you're like, how did this happen? Every single time I see him, I can't believe that I'm friends with him.

It's the best. It's insane. It's like being friends with a pro wrestler that you watched when you were a kid. Making friends is like Mickey Mouse or something like that in real life. Or like a member of the X-Men or something. You're real.

You're my friend. We're both huge pro wrestling fans. Jason Galern. What's up, buddy? How you doing? I also like Rowdy Roddy Piper. I mean, before you, I remember him hitting that dude with a fucking coconut. Jimmy Superfly Snooker, bro.

The day I became a man. Do you remember that? Because you must have been really fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, nobody came to help. Yeah, that was great. And that's really what the world sucks. Yeah. He knocked Snooker out with really fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, nobody came to help. Yeah, that was great. And that's really what the world sucks. Yeah.

He knocked Snooka out with that coconut. Yeah, real. He fucked his ass up. In real life. Yeah, that was totally real. He was unconscious. That was racist. That was racist.

If you did that today, shit would go down. What was... I missed it. What was racist? When he hit him with a coconut. Oh, yeah. That's totally... Very much so.

But... So, yeah. That's fun times. How's things been going? Good? Yeah, life's awesome, very much so. But, so yeah, that's fun times. How's things been going? Good? Yeah, life's awesome. Jason? I was just telling Steve-O, it's like, yeah, it's all good.

I think maybe, like, you should have mixed him and me up, because aren't we supposed to be a fucking dick or something? No. Okay. It's like Steve-O's so fucking nice, and I'm not as nice as Steve-O, but I can be nice. No, you guys are very nice. You don't have to be dicks at all.

Yeah. At 3.30 today. Of course. Improv. All right. Good cops, bad cop. Okay, I like it. And these are all your fans here, T?

I love it. Yes. Are these the Daryl and the comics out front? What's happening? You got to clue me in here. No offense. I can't really tell who's who exactly. It's hard to tell.

Sometimes I'll think that they're fans of the show and then I pull a name out and they just start running up on stage. Oh, these are the fucking comics. I'm retarded. All right, sorry.

Well, some of them, yeah. It's all a thing. All right. Fun fact, I actually lost my virginity to WrestleMania. No way. Yeah, it was on in my friend's basement.

And he was watching it upstairs and I was watching it downstairs. We both had dates. And I just remember there was one part, like, this is awesome. Then looking over and seeing Hulk Hogan going, oh my God, what's he going to do? It was whatever one that was in like 91.

I just love the fact that you and your buddy were so selfish that you double dated and watched Wrestlemania during it. Like ordered a $70 pay-per-view and had some chicks come over. Yep. That's awesome. That is awesome. What better time than

Wrestlemania to lose your virginity. Now Jason, you're a teacher. I am. And you're in session right now, right? Like it's like school time. In session? I haven't been in session for 20 am And you're in session right now right In session I haven't been in session for 20 fucking years But in session We get out yeah it's like you know I don't want to get too

I don't want to get fucking shit canned But yeah it's I get out in a month for a month It used to be I teach a year fucking around And then finally the union stepped up And we get a month off Any teachers to be I teach a year fucking around and then finally the union stepped up and we get a month off. Any teachers tonight in the fucking crowd? Smart crowd.

Have you ever had a student... Wait, what grades do you teach? Just like burned out fucking high school kids. Have you ever had a student then contact you after they graduated like a girl or something like that on Twitter

and be like, oh, Jim. No, no, no, no. I mean, I teach... Actually, I did. I taught all pregnant Latinas for about a year and a half. But I had... So they were already knocked up. I had to get the fuck out of there, though. So now I teach all

boys. So absolutely not. I love pussy. Round of applause for pussy, everybody. Jason definitely loves pussy.. I love pussy. Round of applause for pussy, everybody. Jason definitely loves pussy. Love to eat pussy. I think we all love pussy. This is a pro-pussy panel. Yeah, it truly is. Brian, too, for sure.

Brian even fucks during WrestleMania. That's amazing. The time that all guys take a few hours off of fucking. You guys both have two hot Latina girlfriends, man. That's about as hot as it fucking gets. Colombian, Mexicana. Nice work there. It's very fun. We're trying to get green

cards. We started up a second business. Yeah. It's terrible. Love it. Josh, do you have any questions for our guests tonight? In the theme of the show, I'd say same question for both of you. Do you like to eat assholes?

Is this for both of you? Yeah. So in any order, you guys can take that. Yeah, the guests. I'm sorry. We went over this shit too. Yes, I love to eat ass. I love to eat pussy.

And I normally eat a girl's pussy, then her ass, but I won't go back to her pussy because I don't want to give my wife an infection. So I'm well versed in all that. Love to eat ass, finger ass, suck on the clit, all that. I've never told that to a retarded superhero before, but

it's the first time for everything. You know what's funny is that's so true, but sometimes, man, it's just fun doing like that slip and slide thing where you just grab it. Up and down, for everything, yeah. You know what's funny is that's so true, but sometimes, man, it's just fun doing that slip and slide thing where you just grab it. It's like up and down, like north, south. Sure. It's so great because you're covering all bases. It feels very good to you for a chick, yeah.

Just the fact that we tried to keep her from a fucking... I love the fact that Steve has to follow this. Just being here, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. The nicest, most gentle man that I know is about to have to follow slip and slide, pussy, ass, pussy, ass, pussy, ass.

I remember when I was in high school, Dice had this great album. It was called The Day the Laughter Died. I was 15 years old and I just remember him going, ass eating? An art form? I think so. I was like 15 years old. And I just remember him going, ass eating? An art form? I think so. I was like, oh my god.

This guy's the best. Dice is the fucking. You still haven't answered the fucking question. Yeah, I noticed that. Sure, why not? She's hot enough, right? But not like any random chick. Right.

It's not your first move. That's not first base to you. No. It's not your first move. That's not first base, do you? No. Have you ever turned the car around like you're going to eat the ass? You're like, oh, shit. Turn the car around. Whoops-a-doodle. Why? You mean because

there's shit? Something's not right. It's kind of like... It's like when you... What's not right? It's like when you go out to your car and you notice that there's glass on the ground and you're like, what? And it takes you a couple seconds

to realize your car got broken into. It's kind of like one of those things. Well, I've been married for fucking 16 years, so the answer is absolutely. Just kidding, Jess. She doesn't watch podcasts. I'm good. No, it's all good. Eat ass, eat pussy, come, come, come,'t watch podcasts. I'm good. No, it's all good.

Eat ass, eat pussy, come, come, come, come, come. I love that. You should run for president on that platform. Pussy eaters of America. There you go. And you guys have been doing stand-up a long time, right? Long fucking time. So long, in fact, that I don't even know what's funny anymore.

So probably another reason I shouldn't be doing this right now. It happens. Another six years, you'll fucking... How long have you been doing stand-up, Jason? 95 is when I started. So it's coming up on 20 fucking years. Yeah, that is sweet. 20 years.

I've eaten ass before that, too, though. It's a whole theme. Yeah, I've been married a long time, teaching a long time, gigging a long time just gonna ride it out you have such a young spirit get the fuck off the planet you're barely ever

wearing a shirt yeah I know I dressed up tonight no I mean I fucking have young kids I teach young kids I love young comics I love old comics

it's just one long fucking road man that's cool one long fucking trip it's all good how about you Steve how long you been doing stand-up? Really doing it since about 2000.

I did some more open mics before that, but 2000, I said, fuck everything. This is what I want to do. I moved here. I love it. We're locked and loaded. Guys, I'm so excited to be doing this with you guys

because I love you. Thank you, too. This is fucking brilliant. Thank you for having me. Round of applause for Tony, everybody. What a great idea for a fucking podcast. This is great. Why didn't I think of this?

Yeah, we're going to have fun, guys. Comedians, sign up, and many did tonight for the opportunity to get one minute on stage. You know that one minute is up when you hear that sound of a kitty. How cute. You better wrap it up then, because if you go over your time, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

All right. A lot happening there. The bear is furious tonight, people, so don't bring him out. End it when you hear the cat, and we'll all be safe, because Brian is very quick on that button. He cannot wait to release the bear. He is the key master. So let's get this thing started, shall we?

This is episode 51 of Kill Tony. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Your first comedian tonight will go by the name of Jason Van Glass. That's good. Hey, guys. It's great to be here. All right. Love your enthusiasm. I've actually been having a pretty good week. I's great to be here. All right. Love your enthusiasm.

I've actually been having a pretty good week. I don't want to brag, but I was actually just named one of L.A.'s top ten comedians to watch, according to an article I wrote for my blog. And I was number seven, which is pretty good, I think. Yeah.

I don't have much time left. Maybe you guys can help me out with something before I go. How can I tell my girlfriend she needs to lose weight? Because she listens to this podcast and this can't be the best way of telling her. I'm just kidding. She doesn't listen to this podcast. You can play that cat noise now.

I'm not saying anything. Fuck yeah, Jason Van Glass. That's very fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years Nice All in LA? Yeah Are you from LA?

No, but I started here Where are you from? I'm from the East Bay of Northern California What city? Orinda Orinda? That's why I say the East Bay I love the mic technique.

Thank you. It's my patented technique. If you're listening at home, I have the mic stand rested on my foot. Yeah. That's great. Don't you have video to this, too? Yeah. There you go.

They're watching it, brother. Are you a musician? No. You like rock and roll? Not really. You just have cool hair. All right. That's good.

That's interesting. I like the bit about the... You're a good joke writer. The, uh... What was your first bit? The blog. No, but you said I'm number seven. Very funny.

Then you say... It's almost like a Bill Hicks bit, but who's number six or whatever? Who's number five or whatever? You can tag that up a little bit. Tony, you're the joke doctor. Bill Hicks bit, but who's number six or whatever? Who's number five or whatever? You can tag that up a little bit. Tony, you're the joke doctor. No, you're dead on with that. Only six is blah, blah, blah.

There's definitely more to add to that, you know? I mean, you're ripping off Bill Hicks, but at least you're ripping off the best. You remember what I'm talking about? No, he has one like that. He says the fifth largest army in the world was iraq or whatever the harry christians were the fucking sixth largest army in the fucking world i just botched a bill hicks joke now i can fucking but you know that's what i'm saying it's like you can keep tagging it but

the self-deprecating shit's really funny yeah thank you and you got cool hair so yeah your hair is super cool super cool you're not into rock at all? Punk rock? Music? I mean, I'm not passionate about it. Anime? No. Are you gay?

Are you gay? I am asexual. You're asexual. Okay. This is not the way I wanted to come out. Okay. There we go. I love you, mom.

That's all right. That's good. Talk about that, right? I mean, what the fuck do I know? But that's your, you know. I do talk about that sometimes. Okay, cool.

Are you a brony? No. It's interesting. You don't have many of the stereotypes that somebody with your haircut has. Thank you.

Yeah. It's true. You're like a rebel. Hold on. Excuse me. What is asexual? I mean, I love Morrissey, love the Smiths. I don't understand that.

I mean, when you beat off, who do you think about? You must beat off. I'm just not DTF. Not that into it. DTF? He's not down to fuck. He's into guys. I'm so confused right now.

You like men. You think about men, though. You've thought about men. No, I don't. You've thought about women, then. I would say I'm oriented towards women, but just not into it. Interesting. Cool.

You don't blow loads much? Certainly not into men or women, no. Wow, incredible. How old are you? That's a secret. This is Los Angeles. Let's get real. Well, you're going to have to start sucking dick to make it.

You better pick it up quick, Captain. That's interesting. Asexual. No, you have a low sex drive, probably. Or religious. No, I'm not religious. A lot of soy in your diet? A fair amount, but...

There is? I was born this way. He's a monster. That's cool as shit. That's cool, man. I love your style, man. There's something very Elvis Costello except with a different haircut about you.

You seem like an executive to me, a comedy executive or something. Have you ever thought about going that route, or do you love comedy? Oh, I'd rather do it. Rather do it. Well, you're funny. You're a fucking great joke writer.

Yeah. Try pussy, though, man. You'd love that shit, for sure. Or something. Try something. Try something. It's half the reason fucking people do this shit, to get fucked, right?

I mean, you know. Once reason fucking people do this shit, to get fucked, right? I mean, you know. Once again, what do I do? Why do you, uh, what are your goals in stand-up? Like, what do you want to do? Well, it's not the pussy. I just grew up watching so much comedy.

It's the one thing I care most about. My goal is to do comedy in any capacity with my life. Cool. It's beautiful. I like your style. Jason Van Glass, thanks for coming on the show. Thank you, Jay, very much.

Thanks for having me. Keep being honest, bro. Thank you. Yeah, that's it. He was very honest. True. Don't lose that honesty, dude. Yeah, that's a secret.

That's great advice. To all comedy, honesty. Because it is very, very, those, yeah, interesting answers. Yeah. I don't, have you ever. It's a secret. That's great advice. To all comedy. Honesty. Because it is very, very... Yeah. Interesting answers. Yeah. I don't... It's a great interview. You don't really meet many people that just don't give a shit about pussy. Or they're fucking liars.

I mean, I think that guy's for real. Like, he doesn't want to cum, which is amazing. I think. Maybe it was... It's sort of awesome if you think about it. Like, not having your balls control you sounds like heaven to me. You know what I mean?

Like, balls control the fuck out of a brain. So if you don't have that, it just seems like a bonus. Seems like an edge. You have all that time to... Yeah, but when you blow a load, then you can clear your fucking... So he's clear all the time.

It's very zen. No cum. It must be. Maybe he's just cumming nonstop. He has like a Ziploc bag taking out his dick right now. He just has to fill it up. It's like an IV drip coming out of his penis.

Something's happening. I think we got about 98% truth there. Something's going down. Jason is Jason Van Glass on Twitter. One more time for Jason. Let's get another one up here, shall we? Your next comedian is Rashid Stevens. Oh, snap!

I don't see Rashid, so that means he just got blacklisted. Or Jason's sucking his dick right now. Something maybe. We turn Jason out. Alright. Put your hands together for Joe Morisi. Alright, Joe. Thanks, guys.

Guys, I don't really like the gas stations in this town. The automatic switch doesn't quite click right. Nobody picks up a squeegee anymore. When do we get so busy, nobody's got two minutes to pick up a squeegee anymore? And then why is there still a middle gas option at gas stations? Who's buying up all the middle gas? You know, do you ever drive to the gas station and think to yourself, you know, I hope medium's pretty reasonable today.

I might get some medium. You know, if it's about $389, I might do medium today. I don't know. I've never read an owner's manual to any car that's like, the regular gas, you're going to want to stay away from that. Probably some dirt and some grime in there. The premium, why would you want that kind of spectacular performance? This car will cruise on the medium great.

Good job, man. That is awesome. I love that. I've never even noticed that about the medium grade. Normally, there's things that I see and it's like I think I'll get to it. You know what I mean about writing? And I'll just

notice it being wacky and not think to getting to it. You know what I mean about writing? And I'll just notice it being wacky and not think to getting to it. That's something I haven't even noticed. And it's sort of mind-blowing. It's either that one or it's that one, but it's never the middle. It seems like there is a lot there. That seems like it has major serious potential.

You're already tapped into it. But it's like, what kind of... The question that I would ask is what kind of car takes the middle grade? Is it like an old luxury car? Sure. Are you the gas man? Gas has...

Different engines need different gas. You can't... My car, I can't put cheap gas on it. Right. But I don't have to go all the way to the high, but I can go to the medium. I just can't do the cheapest one. So some of them are just like,

just don't get the cheapest. The cheapest one is for just basic cars. Right, I was thinking more of the joke answer of the question. Not the technical. Not the exact type of, I wasn't like curious for that reason.

I was thinking. But no, that is enlightening because I didn't even really notice the button before. But I know that it's unleaded and it's premium. What's that one called? Regular? They call it Super. Oh, yeah.

Super. Yeah, it's different everywhere. It's different names. Super. There's different everywhere. Different names. There's probably something in that. There's premium. Super. Super premium.

Is super just unleaded until it gets into a phone booth and turns into I don't know. You should hear his hybrid bit. It's funny that unleaded until it gets into a phone booth and turns into, you know, like, I don't know, play around. You should hear his hybrid bit. It's killer. It's funny that you mentioned Superman because that bit reminded me very much of like a Seinfeld type bit. It was clean as a whistle.

It was observational. Everybody could relate to it. And it was like halfway between Seinfeld and Sebastian, who I think is also very similar. It's a little Nick DiPaolo. Yeah, great stuff. Really funny. I can see you writing bits like just you're very individualistic, just like that, about everything.

Really funny, man. It's funny, and you figured out a way to do a bit in a minute, which is fucking impossible. So who knows what else you're capable of. That's awesome stuff. Are all these comics this great that you're pulling out? He's always good. You were on last episode also,. It was really, really good.

How long have you been doing comedy again? I started six years ago. Yeah, you can tell. How big of a set do you say you have right now? I like to say 20. What's the longest set you've done? About 25. Really?

Yeah. That's cool. What was the thing in the beginning about the squeegee? Just, I don't really see people picking up squeegees anymore. At the gas station. I'd like to see more people. That's how I wash my car. That's called a Jewish car wash.

Yeah, that's what I do. You seem like you could be a dick on stage which could work for you, but you seem like a really be a dick on stage which could work for you but you seem like a really nice guy Yeah Did you get angry? Yeah, that's just my voice comes up It comes up as angry

but yeah, I am You're a super nice guy I am, yeah Because your material could go either way It would work either way You're really funny, man Thanks Thank you

Gas station stuff's fun. Everybody can relate to that. I thought of... You know what's funny is I once noticed that I was inside of a Sebastian joke at one time when I was at the gas station. If you guys don't know, Sebastian's one of the

great comedians in the world who's not completely blown up yet. You know what i mean and he's just so fucking funny but anyway um and it's not like he has this bit he's never done a bit i've never heard him do a bit about it but i noticed that i was inside of one one time because i was behind a guy in a gas station and uh and the lady at the counter asked him what pump are you and he had to start looking out the window and doing this thing and trying to figure out and then sebastian always just is always in control of a situation he always knows and everybody else is stupid so i was sitting

there i was standing behind him as he's doing this thing this moron trying to look oh i'm pump seven and then sebastian i could just picture him going, I always know what pump I am. You ask me what pump I am, I'll tell you it's pump four. I already got the cash in my hand. I know. It's like he always is just like, what are you, stupid?

He is fucking great for sure. And you know what's great about this guy's bit? You would think if somebody was going to do a bit on gas, they would complain about the prices. Right. But you found other things that are going to help the gas station, which is great. These guys don't need help. They're all fucking awesome. Thanks. Okay, well, then, thanks, Jason.

That's the end of the episode. Thank you so much, Joe Maurice. You can do a car podcast now. Joe, thank you so much. Joe Maurice. Yeah, Joe. It's great. Bring in the thunder. Once again, that's Joe Morisi on Twitter, at Joe, M-A-R-R-E-S-E.

Can you pick a no-talent here? He noticed that middle gas pump. Squeegee is a funny word, too. Yeah, squeegee is a funny word. I always usee is a funny word i always use it it's one of my favorite things to do is to clean my windows of the gas station or else i'll stand there annoyingly just waiting so i just put the clip on like i don't even pay attention to how much gas i put in i never make it all the way to full i'm just so impatient that i'll put that in lock it in squeegee the windows and by the time i make it back, that's how much

gas I end up getting. So it's like I'll always have three quarters of a tank. But I love squeegeeing my windows. It's like a shower. It's like a refreshing view on the... Squeegee juice? Can we see Sebastian say that? Who cleans the squeegee juice? How do you

even tell your parents you do that? Aren't you embarrassed? This is a new name, I do believe. Put your parents you do that? Aren't you embarrassed? This is a new name, I do believe. Put your hands together for Zach Teagan. What's up? There it is. He writes on the front. That's awesome.

How you doing, guys? What's up, Zach? What's going on? So, yeah. What's up, Zach? What's going on? So, yeah, honestly, I'm upset about... I like to moonwalk like any other guy, you know?

I just don't like Michael Jackson music. And the thing is, is Michael Jackson made the moonwalk incompatible with any other music. And it's so funny. I've tried, man. I mean, I've tried. You can't moonwalk to ACDC. And it's so fitting. I've tried, man. I mean, I've tried. You can't moonwalk to ACDC. I've tried, man. It's like,

back in black! I hit the sack! I got nine lives! I catch eyes! I can't do it. I can't do it. You can't moonwalk to Steve Miller. Some people call me the Skate Scout, boy.

You can almost moonwalk to Paradise City, and it goes a little bit... Take me down to the Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are... I just can't moonwalk. I'm sorry. I just can't moonwalk. But the saddest thing I ever saw was a fat girl standing red in the sun, just waiting.

All right. Yeah, it's getting to the point to where it makes it so the audience is completely uncomfortable when it happens. It used to be one of the funnier parts of the show, but now... Okay, so let's get into it. You wanted mediocre talent? You got it, Jason. You're the best. You're brilliant, T. Was that a real...

Did you hit a button or was that the real response? That sounded like a button. That's so funny. Oh. I thought the set was... The premise is fucking great. I would just retool the shit. And your commitment is amazing.

Yeah, well, I mean, take down the commitment because you said you can't moonwalk to these two tracks and then you proceeded to fucking moonwalk to the two tracks.

So it's like, just do the bit. So you can't do it, whatever. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of physical comedy. I mean,

you could just write jokes about that all fucking day. Really funny. I mean, it's a great premise. Thank you. I'm going to steal it. Thanks.

This is my first time. I've never done that. No way. This is your first time on stage? Zach Teague and everybody. We popped another cherry. Wow, wow, wow. In that case, it's amazing.

Dude, that's great. Big time. That just went from a two to a ten immediately. Just one piece of baby advice. Move the mic stand. Just get it out of your way. The microphone should be about that far from your mouth at all times. You were like this the whole time.

For sure. Just fundamentals. I just had to break my cherry and get up here and do it. For sure. 15 years in my head wanting to do this. That's awesome. That's amazing. That is so fucking cool.

That's great. And he probably loves pussy too. Oh, yeah. You can tell. You're a two-time winner. When you know how to moonwalk, you love pussy. No, stay here, Zach. We're going to talk with you.

Yeah, to do that your first time, to have the balls to do a physical bit, I could never do that. I still can't do that. It's amazing. Bobby Lee said that you're going to suck it doesn't matter just get up and do it. Yeah. I suck for you guys. Is that green light on that mic? Is it off the whole time?

Yeah it's on. It's just quiet I guess. 15 years so why what fucking took so long, man? You know, I was abused as a kid, and I think it clouds your judgment a little bit. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That was good, see?

I don't know, man. Half the comics here have been molested, and they started early, so I don't know if that's an excuse. That's one of your fucking excuses. I don't know, man. Dude, that's a one of your fucking excuses. I don't know, man. Dude, that's a great opening line, by the way. What you just said. I've just been afraid. I don't know why.

It's really great if he opens up with, I got abused as a child, and goes straight into the Michael Jackson. I mean, that's so fitting. There you go. Brilliant. Deep psychology coming in. Yeah, yeah.

Let's have it. Did Michael Jackson abuse you? Did he make you moonwalk backwards? All right. You guys should be careful what you say. Really? So really, there's got to be another reason. 15 years, you work and stuff. Yeah, yeah, that's got to be another reason. 15 years, you work in the stuff and family.

Yeah, yeah, that's cool. I come here and watch you guys and idolize what you're doing. It takes such tremendous courage to get up and create in this way. And I don't know why. It's just been in my head. And I just said, one day I'm just going to get up there and do it. I love that. And fail.

Today was the fucking day. Today was the day. I love it. At the Comedy Store in front of you guys. Welcome to the club, bro. That's awesome. Thank you. Dude, how great is that for a sign?

It's amazing. I love that. What's your life like? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a wife? Were you married? Both. Both.

Normally, when you want to do stand-up for 15 years and you don't get to it, normally that's part of the problem. I've got a girlfriend, and I'm doing film and stuff i'm lucky to be creating right now for living mostly and uh this is the part that i've been waiting my long time to do you're from new york from new york yeah what part uh west side of manhattan yeah wow yeah so you got money no no how long have you been in l.a uh i came out here in, like, 96. I knew Sam Tripoli back in the day, back at the Standard. He used to always be working on his, come on, I'll come do it. Yeah, I'll do it, I'll do it. Years ago.

And I used to jump seeing him kill it. He's a great guy. Trips is the best. Yeah, he's great. He's a great guy. So I've been here since about 96. That's awesome. Tripoli, man.

I was – my kid had a polo tournament in La Jolla a couple weeks ago. Popped in. Did a guest spot in La Jolla. And I hadn't seen... Tripoli, I love. Like a brother. Yeah, he's the best. And he smoked a joint after I watched him.

He was fucking brilliant. I haven't seen him headline in so long. He was brilliant. Yeah. He's a good dude, too. He is. I was thinking about this just the other day. But so funny. So funny, bro. So Yeah. He's a good dude, too. He is. I was thinking about this just the other day.

But so funny. So funny, bro. So funny. He's one of the guys. I was thinking about it. We started together and he had the Coconut Teaser and shit

and it's just like, you know, it was just great to watch. Sam Tripoli, I'll say this because I thought about this to myself and I haven't gotten

to share it with anybody and now's a perfect time. Sam Tripoli is so amazing. It hit me the other day that, you know how some comics are so entertaining for 10 minutes? Yeah. And then you have some comics that, you know, are so entertaining for a half hour.

Right. Perfect example is like a Steve Simone here who's just getting cooking at five minutes. So, like, if I were to watch you do a five-minute set, that'd be great, and I'd love it. But I know you. hooking at five minutes. So like, if I were to watch you do a five minute set, that'd be great and I'd love it. But, I know you. So I know with your style, you're just, you're getting better

as the time goes on. Thank you. That's exactly how a Tripoli is. Like a Tripoli, I could watch do an hour. Whereas if you, if there's a guy that's maybe just

firing off just one joke after the other and changing topics a lot, like it gets hard to watch somebody do a long set. I agree. But Tripoli,

just the time just flies. He talks in punchlines. He's got funny bones. Everything about him is funny. There's certain people that can stay in the pocket on a subject for a while. Great with the crowd too.

Fucking with the crowd. The whole band was great. He's a natural. Besides sucking, what else could you guys say that I could work on? I got the balls. Definitely like he said, don't act it out.

Try to write out the idea. Because you can talk about, yeah, imagine back in black. There's a way to probably write out. But maybe even just start off. Do you have any other material that you wrote? Maybe start off about whatever happened to you as a kid first. And build off from that. Because, yeah, Michael Jackson would be a perfect segue. you wrote. Maybe start off about whatever happened to you as a kid first and build off from that because

Michael Jackson would be a perfect segue into you getting your ass licked by Bobo. You're the man. I love it. Another 15 years, bro. Don't stop. Trip will take you out of the fucking road. Now you got to go up every night or else you're going to lose it all. Yeah, go up a bro. Don't stop. Trip will take you out of the fucking road.

Now you got to go up every night or else you're going to lose it all. Yeah, go up a lot. Keep doing it. Go to Sal's Comedy Hole. That's a good place that I don't know if they still do open mic to start off, you know, just to get used to the actual microphone and stand, not too much of the crowd. But, I mean, I used to do Sal's for a good year straight every single day,

and it wasn't to actually have an audience listen to me. It was just getting used to the microphone and saying it out loud. Every single shitty open mic you can find, you should be doing now. You guys ever as bad as me? Oh, yeah, ever sure. Or just stick to film and make some real fucking money in this town. Yeah, don't be miserable. But anyway.

Zach is ZTegan on Twitter. Z-T-I-E-G-N. So give him a shout out. He just popped his chair. Ow, ow, Zach. Rock and roll. Love it. It's like smoking pot with a guy who never smoked pot before. He'd love to do that.

It's brilliant. Right. And funny, man. Love it. Definitely. So that leads me to a question I always ask my guests that come on this show, which is the first time when you started stand-up comedy,

is there anything that you remember that you did that you completely regret? Like, you can't believe that you talked about that or did that in your first set or first month or whatever. Talked about? Well, when I started, like, I remember

in school we used to get stoned and watch Life Goes On. So I had like 10 minutes of retard jokes, which you can't fucking do now. And a whole medley on fucking Corky. So it was flying then. Now comedy's changed so fucking much. So now I do a sporadic fucking retard joke now and again. You just open up. I'd like, you know, do a sporadic fucking retard joke now and again. But, I mean, you're never supposed to make, you know, you just got to do your shit.

I don't know. I mean. But you opened up guns a blazing. There was a built-up fire inside you that had to talk about. I'm saying that like starting out, I always had a few jokes to go to, but I loved what these guys are doing starting and shit because then you really watch. I mean, I haven't sat down and watched fucking

open micers in a long time. Right. But I love it. Yeah. I love it. So that's when, that's the best part of it. But I remember watching

buddies bomb so fucking hard. Do you remember Don Boland? Uh-uh. Don Boland used to, and when he started, he used to bomb, he was, you know,

he used to come to a regular work tier and shit, but he used to bomb so fucking hard. You know a regular work tier and shit but he used to bomb so fucking hard you know when you're on stage in the OR

the back corner there he used to just get off stage and just put his head in the fucking bag like ahhh and you could feel

the fucking pain of him going through that shit but you know then you just keep getting you know

you get back up tomorrow night bro and you fucking do it again that's the whole point. That's it. Got to keep the streak alive. Steve, how about you when you started? It was so much embarrassing.

Like, it meant so much to me, too, because I grew up watching comedy, and I always admired it. And I would go see comedians perform. So part of my secret weapon was, like, I had seen Dice in concert when I was in high school. So no matter what, I had a comedy outfit. I would wear a Dice t-shirt for good luck, and then I'd wear a Hawaiian shirt over it because I wanted everybody to know I liked the party.

So I was like, I'm going to be the party comedian. And then this is the worst bit ever for so many reasons. This is my closer no lie okay about how comedy influences you and i must it must have seen howie mandel as a little kid tell a story about smearing a candy bar on his hand and telling somebody reaching under the stall and saying we're out of toilet paper over here that must have influenced me because i do remember in seventh grade, I had a teacher, Mrs. Chandler, who tortured me because I was stinky at math. So what I did for laughs is I must have remembered the Howie Mandel thing. And this was so legendary that ten years later, my buddy's little brother asked me if it was true because it got passed down generation to generation.

That I came out of the bathroom at a middle school dance with a smeared Snickers bar all over my hands, and I went, Mrs. Chandler, they're out of toilet paper in the bathroom, and then I ate it, and she was like, and then I was like, Panama, like I was the king. So it got passed down generations, and then that was my closer when I did stand-up comedy. I was like, oh, you don't think I know how to party?

Seventh grade, Mrs. Chandler. Same Hawaiian shirt. And then I would close with eating the candy bar off my hand. And I was like, you'll see me on HBO next week. Wow. That's one of the greatest ever. And the dice t-shirt. I had to have my uniform on.

I love that you had the dice under the Hawaiian shirt. Does he know all this shit? You told him? Of course. Cool. That's cool. That's adorable that you used to wear my shirt, Stevie. For a goof.

Yeah. That's awesome. Tony, I don't know if this ever happened to you, but one of the reasons why Stan was so tough is because if you're not on stage, I mean, just being on stage is difficult. And then trying to do jokes, the combination of the two. Once, I was doing an open mic. It was a year in or whatever, a few months, I remember.

This fucking thing fell out. It's probably happened in a lot of comics. And I froze. And the dude from the back is like, put it back in so you have to tell me. froze. And the dude from the back was like, put it back in so you have to tell me. That was one thing I just remembered. That's amazing. How long do you

think you were standing there quiet? It was, I don't know, a few seconds. It seemed like a fucking long time, but I had no idea. I'm like, okay, what do I do now? He's like, put the back in. I'll never forget it. Wow. Okay, good. That's amazing. put the it was a black dude he's like put it back in I'll never forget it wow okay good that's amazing

so your moonwalk was brilliant compared to that fucking bullshit bro I had that happen to me a couple times when I was starting out where the thing

would fall out because you don't know what's holding it in you don't know the structure of it and the worst was I remember a couple sets that falling out

was the biggest laugh that happened during my set. Like people just, because you're already two minutes in and they hate you, so that happens. And they have all this pent up energy and they're just like, ah, ha, ha, ha. It's just like, oh, that's what it sounds like if they were to laugh at my joke. It's like when a waitress drops a glass at a restaurant. They're just looking for you to laugh at you.

Yeah. It's fuck failure. It's attention release. Dude, one of the things that I had to learn as a comedian was that you need different energy for different environments. That you can't just come out high energy. And I remember

showcasing for Mitzi once. It took me years to get past here, like eight years, to become a regular at this club. Because for whatever reason, whenever Mitzi would be in the room, I'd get in my head and get nervous and it meant too much to me.

And I remember at the time, I didn't have any really material at all. I would just go out cause I realized the candy bar was probably a bad idea. So now I got nothing. And so I would just go out and just like bring the, bring the energy bro. And I would come out like I was an 80s heavy metal singer.

So regardless of the, cause I was used to like back in come out like I was an 80s heavy metal singer. So regardless of the... Because I was used to, like, back in Philly when I was doing stuff there, I did a couple shows. I'd come out, because I thought the 80s heavy metal was so funny. I'd come out and I'd go, let me see your cigarette lighters, right?

Who wants to party tonight? And people would be like, look at this idiot, laugh. So I have to showcase for Mitzi, bro, there's like three people in the room. And just her in the back of the room. And the way it used to work was if she liked you, she would circle your name. If she didn't like you, she would scratch your name off the list. So there's probably seven people.

And I'm like, we're not going to do showcases for seven. There's no crowd. How are we going to perform? There's no crowd. And they're like, she's coming in. They're doing this. Right. And I'm like, oh, shit.

So then I gave myself the worst advice ever. And it was just do what you do. I was like, she's coming in. They're doing this. I'm like, oh shit. Then I gave myself the worst advice ever and it was just, do what you do. I was like, fuck yes. I walk out on stage, Hawaiian shirt, and I go, let me see your cigarette lighters. It was so quiet in the room, I literally heard her scratching my name off the wall.

I literally heard, and I had three more minutes to know none of my dreams were coming true. It was the worst. That is awesome. It was so bad. It was great. When did you take off the shirt and become more you?

Here. After years upon years. Just going out there and talking. Your sets are usually very, very you. Like, I almost cried once watching you at one point. Thanks, man. I think it was a thunder twist or something like that. But you almost have a vulnerability to yourself on stage now.

I just try to be honest. And I had bombed so bad. Very early on, I had a gig in Vegas and it was like a thousand dollars and I'm in Vegas and I'm like this is awesome this is going to be easy I'm a year in the comedy and this is happening and I bombed every fucking show so bad where I must have had that vulnerable thing

because people were giving me advice afterwards that's when you know it was working out like no lie this lady was like maybe you could work with a puppet they were always funny like no shit that's all real she was like do you know how to play guitar I was like no and she was like was like, maybe you could work with a puppet. They were always funny. Like, no shit, that's all real. She was like, do you know how to play guitar? I was like, no. She was like, well, that's not going to work.

Like, she felt so bad. This was an audience member? Yeah. She just felt so bad for me. So then I remember coming back to L.A. And I went, my life sucks. I'm sacrificing all the happiness in my life for this three minutes on stage. And I went, you know what?

I'm just going to go have fun for that three minutes. And I never tried to do a joke for years. And I would just go out on stage and talk. And have fun talking. That's so important that you're telling a lot of comics that. Because I think that's what happens in most comics. Freddy Soto. One of my favorites.

When I started, I don't know if you know Freddy Soto. Some of the young comics, but rest in peace. Legend. Amazing. Monster. I watched him have zero fucking material.

He used to get up like you, talk. Yeah. What's up? Nothing. Tank, flatline, and then over time

he became a fucking monster. Monster, yeah. I've seen a lot of comics do that. Just get up, door guy, talk, nothing. Touch the moment, man. Nothing. And then it comes, you know what I mean?

So it's very important for people to know that it's fucking possible. Who knows? The next thing we pull out could be the next big comic. Put your hands together for Joe Carl, everybody. Ow! Ow! Oh, wow for Joe Carl, everybody. Ow! Ow! Oh, wow. Joe Carl.

Joe! What's going on, guys? What's up, buddy? Jay-Z in the news. Boo! Jay-Z's in the news. So long, so lanch, kicking his ass. You know, I'm hearing a lot of people being like,

oh, now he's got 100 problems. I'm like, take it easy. Jay-Z hasn't had 50 problems in the past 10 years. I mean, let's be honest. When you're on that level of wealth, you don't have that many problems. He owns an NBA team. It's not like some private recording is going to be able to take that away from him.

Black guy gets it. Donald Silvertongue, Sterling Silvert Tongue. Sterling Silver Tongue. But yeah. Can I just say I love your shirt? I was going to do a bit about the shirt. That's fine. But then I was going to have to explain it. All right, Joe.

All right. What I love the most about that set is that you said the black guy gets it, but it was one of the whitest people I know, Scott Kidd, that was laughing at that joke. There he is, everybody. That's his big white hand waving in the air. I would never start off with, so Jay-Z's in the news, unless you have a job like The Daily Show or something like that. I felt like a monologue, right? Johnny Carson. So Jay-Z's

in the news? Yeah, you just gotta find a different way in. And as far as the joke, you sort of have something, but he didn't do anything enough to lose his team, you know what I mean? And it's sort of like a real thinker. You just want to be able to hit it on the head. For something like that, you're really gonna have to... It's super topical. For something like that, you're really going to have to –

it's super topical. It's a double topical joke, so they have to know about that Jay-Z thing. They have to know that it's an elevator footage for the recording thing to work, and they're also going to have to know about the Sterling thing. So you're working on a joke that is, in my opinion, about a two-week shelf life anyway. Yeah, which could be a good exercise. Right, totally.

It's a great exercise. Great to write those jokes all day. But as far as stand-up. Just don't perform them. Right, yeah. Unless you're doing a monologue, sort of like what Brian's saying. Unless you're in a position to perform those,

it's sort of just, I mean. Well, plus like 99 problems i mean how many fucking jokes did one more problem less problem i mean anytime you hear anything any comic doing anything fucking close to it don't do it drop it even though your way in was to be the flip on that when we hear it it's like were we supposed to laugh at that was that an attempt like we it's sort of like you know i could see what you were saying by the hundred problems doesn't have 50 with the money but if you're gonna do the joke about that and then i guess the lesson here is just to get right into the meat and potatoes of it if you were going to do it and try to sell it you would just want to get right into jay-Z got beat up in an elevator and the security footage captured it.

He owns a basketball team. And then find a new way in. But you'd really have to spell it out. So it's rough. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I did it for almost a year in 2010 when I first moved out here. You've been back in it for two or three months. What's that? You've been back into it for two or three months. What's that?

You've been back into it for two or three months? Two weeks. Wow. Two weeks, right. So it's like starting out. You're brand new. Yeah. You're starting over again.

Yeah. Can you moon dance for us? I can't. Moon dance? Like someone's pop-popping. Are the kids moon dancing these days? I saw it on the Twitter. Moonwalk.

What made you stop after doing it for a year in 2010? Well, actually, it's funny. I started in 2010 when I first moved out here. I used to come visit all the time. I was like 17, 18, sneaking in here to like watch all the time. And then I moved out here. And then I did it full time. Like you were working here.

I remember that. My first time on stage downstairs was I think you were hosting. It went really well. Did I make fun of you afterwards? No, no. It actually went well enough to where you didn't have to make fun of me. Wow. Were you surprised? Yes, no. It actually went well enough to where you didn't have to make fun of me. Wow. Were you surprised?

Yes. I was very surprised. And, like, I, like, went full force for a year. Like, I was a Max Amini kind of took me in. I was, like, working with him a lot. And then my dad died in 2011. I just stopped for a little while. Like, I wasn't going to stop full time.

But I just never had this whole time I've been working. I wasn't going to stop full-time. This whole time I've been working. I was a PA when I first moved out here. I moved my way up to a point where I was working full-time. I didn't have time to get back in there. That was my excuse. Now I'm just like, you have to make time.

How often are you getting up now? Right now, I force myself to do Mondays and Tuesdays. That's all I have time for right now. Partner up with that guy. Find a buddy here and have a workout buddy. Instead of coming to the gym, you go do open mics. That's amazing advice that I don't even think I've ever mentioned

or anybody's ever mentioned on this show before. But it is so important to find somebody who you can sort of just roll around with to keep you sane when you're fighting the same battle as somebody else. Just fuck one of the open mic comic girls. That's what I used to do. I just used her for a year. It's a great, great idea.

Seriously. I think you did that awesome. No, not at all. In any way, shape, or form. I'm sorry to hear that. That's the opposite of what you want to do, by the way. You don't want to hook up with a comedian female. How many assholes did you like to get started? No, I mean, I actually did.

When I started off, I immediately, because you start, the people that are in the same level of view at stand-up, you start seeing at every single club. So you'd go from one open mic to another open mic. And then there's girls also, so I just started dating one of them. And it made it so much easier for me

because then she would watch my set, I would watch her set, give tips, and kind of write together and stuff. Give her tips, give her the whole thing. And it was really hard because she sucked really bad and I had to act like she was great. That is definitely one of the worst parts of dating a female comedian.

So rape a funny comic is what you said. Sorry, ladies, but you guys' egos are out of control. Tony, he brings up a good point for comics as well. I'm sorry to hear about your father passing that fucking blows, but it's like if you're not feeling funny, if something fucked up happens, it's very difficult to write fucking jokes. Well, yeah, and the thing is, if it happens to anyone else, it's, like, I feel like I took some time off.

And, like, I was only going to take, like, a month or two off. And, like, I was fine after that. Like, I should have came back. But it's so hard to come back. Like, if you take some time off and you get back into your daily life, it's hard to just put aside time to go do a dream. Yeah, and it can be an escape for you comedy.

Exactly. It becomes a film's an excuse. Cool, man. Well, the one thing that you bring up, I used to have to take breaks. Well, I hope your mom does. Oh, Jesus. I used to have to take breaks from comedy

because it can be so emotionally overwhelming. It's such a tight thing. I would give up drinking or I'd give up comedy. I would give up drinking or I'd give up comedy. I'd give up drinking and I'd give up comedy. But then you start to build up a momentum where I'd be afraid to take a break from comedy because it's like getting in the shape. So now, the most difficult part is now

getting back in the shape. As soon as you get in the shape, don't stop. Just at least once a week. Even when I would quit comedy to work on writing, at least one night a week. So you're always loose. always in the moment you're ready to go i totally agree with that there's nothing more difficult than fucking stand-up that i've ever done it's a very difficult thing so you got to keep doing it but yeah i don't believe in breaks at all um i i mean i just can't get myself to take one because i just love it so you know i mean if you get it there to where you

love it that much to where it's not even like you're doing a thing and it doesn't, if that's your escape from everything else, then you're killing two birds with one stone because then you have a hobby and you're working at your job. So, yeah. I took two weeks off and it was like starting over. Like I lost my stage presence. I like, I felt nervous felt my voice was cracky.

It'll never go away. You can do it five years, ten years. If you're not on stage, forget about it. Well, there you go. He's Joe Carl, everybody. Joe Abusaker. Nobody's going to follow you on Twitter, dude. It's actually the Joe Carl.

What is it? It's actually the Joe Carl. What is it? It's actually the Joe Carl. That was my old one. You have two Twitter handles. Yeah. Wow. Good work. So what's the one you would want people to know about?

The Joe Carl. He's the Joe Carl, everybody. There he goes. Thanks, Joe. That was great, man. Everyone's so nice, Tony. That's great. Yeah, that's great.

There's a battery in here. Just a little fun fact fact a little behind the scenes we killed Tony Iron Patriot took a little poopy in that bucket he did put your hands together

for Tyler Mesnarik everybody ow ow yeah thank you everybody thank you I'll tell you guys

I've been to a Canadian strip club. First thing about Canadian strip club, no dollar bills because Canadians use coins. One dollar and two dollar coins called loonie and toonies, which makes sense because the number one cause of death in Canada is an anvil falling on your head. So it makes sense. because the number one cause of death in Canada is an anvil falling on your head. So it makes sense. So I'm at the strip club.

And this is what they do. This is what they do. They have the strippers. They kneel down, and they lick the coins. They put them on their nipples. Everyone lines up and tosses to get them off. And I was like, yeah, I'm down for this. It's like counting a skee-ball.

Let's do this. How many points for the butthole? Let's figure it out. And I was like, yeah, I'm down for this. It's kind of like skee-ball. Let's do this. How many points for the butthole? Let's figure it out. So I'm in line. I get all excited. And the guys in front of the line, the Canadians, are just fucking hucking these coins as hard as they can. It's just crazy. And I immediately realized, wow,

no wonder Canadians are so nice. They're taking out all their aggression on their strippers. That's how they got it figured out. That's it. Thank you. That's great. Ow, ow. And that's true.

Strippers have these poles that they have magnets or something on the bottom, and they collect them using this stick. So after they get off stage, they have to spend like 20 minutes just getting all the coins using this stick. It's like the saddest thing ever. Really? Yeah, it really is. Wow.

Jesus. Canadian strip clubs. Are you from Canada? Montana. Which is close. So, wow. Did you take part in it? Did you throw any loonies or toonies?

I just tossed them like a nice person. Right. So you were being nicer than the Canadians. Yeah. Well, like, you know, I'm not a big strip club guy, but I don't need to, like, make them feel shittier about their terrible job by leaving them coin bruises all over their body. Oh, God.

Yeah. They were really pelting them at her. They were throwing them really hard. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I remember that. Those wacky Canadians. Yeah.

Did she have a stick, a magnet stick like Brian's? Oh, yeah. They all have that. Really? So they just walk around and sweep it up, and then the coins get stuck to the stick? Yeah. There's probably like a magnet

company that just sells them to strippers or something. Stripper magnets. Oh god, imagine that shady business. Imagine that job. Imagine the smell of that magnet. Oh yeah. Dirty, sweaty hands and then

stripper sweat and glitter. There's probably glitter on the pole too. Normally if I see a Canadian chick with a stick, it's usually an ugly stick. I wonder how many girls

have chipped teeth though from that. That has to happen. Chipped teeth. They could just blame it on hockey or something. It'll be all right. Right. Yeah. That's good.

I'm surprised they use a magnet stick and not like a Swiffer with maple syrup on it like a real Canadian would do. You know what I mean? Just let the maple syrup fucking stick it. Trying to help you out, buddy. I'm not really coming up with anything great right now. There's probably more to it. Also, like, private dances. You could go into the whole thing of Canadian strip clubs.

This is the first time I actually performed that, so I wasn't sure how long it was going to be. But I was just thinking, like, that whole meeting a nice Canadian. Like, you step on his shoe, and he's like, oh, no, no problem. And the whole time he's just like, in his pocket, just fingering his coins. I'm not wasting it on you, buddy. That's hysterical.

I love that. What would a, what would a, the champagne room of a Canadian strip club be like? Like a penalty box in a hockey arena

or something? Some kind of super polite, are canadian strippers polite even though they're taking a beating um i didn't really talk to them really not really the kind of that's my favorite thing to do with strippers they're like you want to get a dance i'm like will you just talk with me for a few minutes i did that every time i'm at a strip club i'm the talker i'm the oh i oh, I feel bad for her type person. I'm the opposite.

I want to, I want to, I want to get, I just go, tell me about the, tell me about the touching. And then they start crying and I just start smiling like this.

As my human fuel meter goes up because I love people that are down in the dumps. You know what I mean? It just makes me feel good about myself when somebody's just at bottom. Anyway, Tyler, are you

Republican from Montana? Conservative? No. Probably more liberal. But I probably grew up conservative, though. Your parents and stuff like that? Yeah, very. Fox News, everything. Yeah, yeah. Montana's a crazy place, man. There's good spots in it. It's beautiful, right? Yeah, yeah.

It's great. Cool. You're really funny. Great bits. Thank you. And that's how you can make the bit personal. I grew up in Montana, which is close to Canada. And then, boom, Canadians aren't as nice as you think they are. Because that's ultimately the premise behind that bit, right? That's what I sort of felt. Like, Canadians aren't as nice as you think they are because that's ultimately the premise behind that bit right that's what I sort of felt like Canadians aren't as nice

as you think they are and then you could add those tags and you've been thinking about they made the most depressing place on earth even more depressing stick Jesus right I mean that's just that's just embarrassing get your stick and get off the stage you know it's just so sad

that old Rogan bit where he was like somebody told me I could see a pussy for a dollar. I don't know this one. 20 nickels. Remember that bit? He would do 20 nickels and then I'm just imagining. Isn't it weird when you say somebody, you remember something and they're like, no. It's like fucking somewhere.

That was a good bit. I know the bit you're talking about. Great bit. He doesn't remember either. Fuck yeah. Tyler, what do you keep in the pockets on the front of your shirt? They're empty. Really?

You just said you have tits, bro. It looked like there was something in there but now that you mention it yeah, I guess it's just Sorry. It's a new bit.

Go ahead. Montana pecs. Yeah. Thank you so much, Tyler. That's Tyler. That's Tyler. Great pants. Good stuff.

These are all great comics. They're all funny. Dude, I thought he was going to be funny the way he walked up. Yeah. Great, Tyler. Miznarich is M-E-Z-N-A-R-I-C-H. That's Tyler Miznarich on Twitter. We've made it to the part of our show where we get our two regulars up here.

Since the inception of the show, we've had two women that have always come up with a new minute each week. We watch them grow. We watch them get bigger and better each week. This week's no different. So put your hands together for your first comedian. She is a regular on Dysentery

and Keltoni. Super funny young lady. Put your hands together for the wacky and goofy and always weird and fun. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Sarah. Always weird and fun. Sarah Weinschenk, everybody. I didn't even say anything yet. I did something so weird the other day, guys. I got my scrambled eggs to go. I got a to-go box for my scrambled eggs

because I could not eat them in one sitting. I didn't realize it was weird until I got these eggs home. Take that call. I didn't realize it was weird until I got these eggs home and I tried to reheat them in the microwave. But this is the thing, guys. You can't give life to something that was never born. thing, guys. You can't give life to something that was never born. You can't

try to reheat and put life into something that was never born. And I tried. Alright. Am I short? Are you done? Perfect. Scrambled eggs, everybody, by Sarah Weinshank.

You got them from McDonald's or something? What did you say? I got them from Swingers, actually. You got it to go. You got breakfast to go. I ate it, but I didn't finish it all. Then I said, I'm going to take this shit to go. Then I thought that i ate it but i didn't finish it all and then i said i'm gonna take this shit to go and then i thought that that was like a cool thing until i got them home

and then what'd you do and then i put them in the microwave and i was like this is so weird right not okay like what is wrong with me right so then i realized that like it was a great joke great. Just get to it quicker. Eliminate all the other bullshit. Really funny. Super funny. Yeah, I like that style of taking a personal story and making a larger observation

about life in general because you're like, this was my experience and this is how it relates to the overall universal experience. I like that style of comedy. Totally. Yeah, you can't give life to that

which, you know, was never born. I was almost thinking, like, if you used a different egg, like a sunny side up, and then when you microwave it makes it scrambled eggs also or something. Well, that's good. You know what I mean? I kind of like that, yeah. Like you can't reheat sunny side up because it just turns it into scrambled or something. I don't know.

Microwaving eggs is just strange, right? Yeah, like I could have made eggs in that time. That's what I was going to say in that joke, but then I didn't know how much time I had left because I didn't get to it fast enough. Yeah, I think that's a great approach to take. I should have squeezed it in there. Who buys eggs when you go out? Like, make that yourself. Yeah.

30 cents. Exactly. Or $9 at Swingers. Right. Like I should have just, yeah. Eggs is a very strange thing to get in the first place from Swingers. I always get eggs. Really?

Yeah. Protein. Oh, protein. Hey, guys. I like to get eggs when I go out to eat. Just get some quinoa. Yeah. Oh, sir.

Do you mean quinoa? That's how girls say it. Quinoa. Yeah. Oh, sir, do you mean quinoa? That's how girls say it. Quinoa. Or how people that say it properly say it. Quinoa. Quinoa. Quinoa. Quinoa.

Oh, delicious. No, but that is true. I mean, it is healthier than eggs. But vegan. Go vegan. Just drop the fucking bit altogether. Right? T, you're there.

I'm anti-eggs for sure. There's something not right about them. Oh yeah, eggs are the devil. It's disgusting. I've never liked the flavor of it. Depending on what sauce you put on it, then, I mean, it would take the flavor of that sauce.

But the actual flavor of plain egg... You ever just have egg with no salt and pepper? I eat egg all day. I fucking love egg. Any kind of egg. Girl egg, chicken egg, whatever egg. Oh, I see what you did there. I see what you did there. You put the girl egg thing in.

No, but I actually like hard-boiled eggs, and I don't put salt or anything on it. I just eat that shit like an apple. Good protein. Fucking, that's so gross. Really? My kid eats them. I can't for the protein, too, but it's gnarly.

No, kids are really into hard-boiled eggs. That's like a thing. You can crack them. My wife's a vegan, too, but she makes them eat that. And he's a vegetarian for the protein, but it's fucking gross. Yeah, I've never been into eggs. I guess I liked huevos rancheros for a while when I first moved here.

Because, I mean, just salsa and beans and a fajita, and then there's the egg. But even then, I mean, looking back at it, it was just really the yolk part that was all right. And it was just the salsa and beans that you taste anyway. Then you microwave that and it's even more gross. It's a great bit though. Super funny observation. Great job. Another new minute for Sarah Weinshank. Love that.

Love that. And last week you got thrown off pretty fast. We didn't get to comment on last week. What were your jokes last week? Do you even remember? I don't even remember. You sucked ass last week. It was about how

some married couples stay together because it's easier to put the sheets on and the comforter cover on together. Like in a relationship. You said that last week? Yeah, but I didn't say it as funny then. I think it was funnier just now. It's amazing when you just get to the point

and try to not stretch it out for a minute. It's like you just got right to the point with it. That's why. There is something so sad about trying to put sheets on by yourself. The other side pops up. That fourth sad corner where you have the other three corners on, you're just on the bed, moving it across. That's maximum loneliness right there

when you reach that point. Or going to Ikea by yourself and you can't have somebody wait in your car while you drive. You know what I mean? Yeah, and the loading air. You just have to throw your shit out and run to your car real fast.

While the thing's rolling towards you, you just push the cart. And then you get home and you have this huge box you can't get out of your car real fast. While the thing is rolling towards you, you just push the cart. And then you get home and you have this huge box you can't get out of your car. You have to ask your lonely neighbor to help you. He's like, I'm in the middle of putting my sheets on. I can't. Actually, what I did is,

this happened to me, that's why I say it, is I just opened the box and one by one, I had to take one piece into the house, but one by one. So sad. Oh, that is sad. Wow. It's like sitting in front of a birthday cake with one candle. Happy birthday to me.

Everybody! It's so lovely. Hey, have you ever gone to a restaurant by yourself and told the hostess it's your birthday? Oh my god. That's like some self-deputated Oh, never mind.

And then they ask to see your ID. Oh, okay. All we need to do is see your ID to confirm. Oh, forget it. It's not my birthday. That'd be awkward. Sarah, thank you so much. You're amazing. Another new goofy minute.

I could tell you from knowing her so well and watching her so many times with the new minute, she probably has a solid 35 minutes on food at this point. All different things. Grains. Now we've got eggs taken care of. So let's keep this fun train moving along. Your final comedian of the night.

And she is, of course, a regular. She dropped out of college after her first time on stage was here on Kill Tony. Wow. Almost about to graduate, too. Like, she had one. Just about. Do you feel guilty about that?

And she realized... She did the right thing. What do I need a degree for when I just found what I love to do? Put your hands together for it's Kimberly Cong. Ow! Ow! Yeah, guys, who needs a college degree when you're a fucking beast, right?

Obviously, I dropped out. Look at me! I'm just kidding. All right. Guys, no, I feel like I get up here and I don't tell you about myself enough. I am half Puerto Rican, half deadbeat, which makes me a complete asshole.

It's actually kind of a scary combination, you know, because I'm a little bit lonely and at the same time very very fertile it's true I won't even date Spanish guys just to stay away from like inbred they might be related to me all of them

it's been pretty yeah because who wants to fuck their cousin, right? Not me. Unless I'm lonely. We've been doing some new stuff at work. They've been training me. They're teaching me how to do mail orders now, which is bullshit because I've been dating so long

and I didn't know you could just order them. Awesome. Kimberly Congdon. I don't get the half deadbeat. It sounds great and you were fully committed. I loved your commitment on this minute this week. You're in it. You pulled a what was his name?

Zach Teigen and just fucking committed all the way. I love the lack of ums. I tried so hard. I love the lack of ums. I tried so hard. I didn't say you know once. That's true. Know you know and only I think one and a half ums, which is a huge breakthrough. And it's great.

It's easier to listen to. It just flows. Now let's get to, you said half what? My mom's Puerto Rican and my dad's a deadbeat. So that's where I said I'm half Puerto Rican, half deadbeat, which makes me a complete asshole. Did you say that your dad was a deadbeat? Because you did.

I was like, why are you a deadbeat? I was trying to think of why you were a deadbeat. So it's not clear enough. No. Right. And I don't think it necessarily needs to be, because what I think the magic is, something that I heard that I don't think I've heard before,

is you as a Latino woman saying that when you're lonely, it's like extra lonely because we're made to breathe. Yeah, exactly. That's funny. I didn't even get that. Right. Yeah, it needs to be more clear, but you have a great

premise there. I thought you were just lonely because you were a deadbeat. I was so confused. I had no idea what was going on. And I was saying it's a dangerous combination because I'm sad because I don't have a dad, but I'm also very fertile. So to have a girl that's kind of desperate and very fertile, that's what I was trying to get to. My mom's Puerto

Rican and I have an absent father. Right. Say that. I don't think... I think you might have two different jokes there. Yeah, there's a lot in there. That's a 10-minute set. Right, exactly. Well, you know, just doing the most. But there's a lot there with the Latino, like, gaping hole type of...

Oh, I said gaping in front of Brian, guys. You know what that means. No, there's a lot more that you can get into there. It's not just one line mentioning and something like that. It's bigger than that. So I'd really work on that. Like, it's got to be harder for a Latino woman to be lonely because you have more chemicals in you trying to get you to make a baby.

Like, there's no question about that. That stereotype is completely true. Are you serious? I saw it all the way from over here. For those of you listening. The gaping hole, everybody. There's cereal in it. Some woman's eating frosted flakes out of this growth bubble.

Frosted flakes are nasty. That's great yeah I think there's a lot there thank you what do you guys think funny you did the gig with Tripoli

yeah fucking I popped in you were great opening the show you have tons of great jokes you take a mean hit off a fucking joint you're super cool

you eat a fucking weed brownie I did while you drink half my beer. I love it. So she parties. She's cool. She's sexy. We were in San Diego together.

I know. I think that everything you did, once you work it out and write it different and say it, explain it a little different, I think that's great. You have something really good there.

And it's almost like a topic sentence for you could probably do a half hour special just on good there. And it's almost like a topic sentence for, you could probably do a half hour special just on those two things. Because it's so personal. Yeah. Like maybe it's, I don't know. You can compare it to other races.

A Latino woman not having sex is like, a Latino woman being lonely is like a, you know, whatever. A coke addict with weed. Yeah, there's a lot about Spanish women. I feel like a lot of them marry white men. That's like a big thing. Asian women do that too.

But that's because that's a male order situation, I feel like, a lot of times. No, it's because they're attracted to power. Oh. Anyway. Anyway. Too soon for the white's the number one race joke? I mean, come on. We are definitely in the lead.

Anyway, thank you so much, Kim. That was awesome. Kim is great. Love it. It's Princess Shank on Twitter and Kimberly Congdon on Twitter, so follow the lovely ladies of Kill Tony. We did a Kill Tony at the La Jolla Comedy Store before. We're doing another one at Comic-Con in July.

July 23rd and 24th, we're having Kill Tony, Thunder Pussy, and a comedy show. Three shows, two nights. Comic-Con 2014 at the American Comedy Co. Iron Patriot will be there. Iron Josh will be there. Even though he didn't even say anything. Yeah. Whole episode.

I agree, actually. I couldn't agree with you more. I think we're much better off with you just standing there. You know, that was the original idea for the Patriot. He was just supposed to be set decoration.

Yeah. And one day we gave him a mic like a fucking asshole. Why did we do that? We changed everything. It was fun for 25 episodes, but then he blew it. I'm in Indianapolis June 4th to the 7th. I'm in Vancouver after that with Joe Rogan. Oh, shit.

And what do you guys got going on? Steve Simone? Headlining Bray Improv this Wednesday. I'm excited about that. And then I'm back there the following week with Darren Carter. That's going to be fun. Cool. Helium Comedy Club with Ren and ZZ the first weekend in June.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're working with the party starter. He's the greatest dude. He's so nice. I know. Why don't you break out the Hawaiian shirt? I think I will.

I think I will. You should. You should just do it. You should just have fun with... Dude, I kept all those, and I'm like, you know what? It's about time to crank them out again. If I ever see you do that snicker bar thing, my head will fucking explode. I will die on the spot. Rest in peace

Tony Hinchcliffe, if I ever see that. I'll have a fucking stroke. Jason Galern, you're on Twitter at Jason Galern. Steve, you're on Twitter at Steve Simone. Yeah, and have them check out my podcast. Good time. Yes, that's right. All fun stuff. I can't wait to be on it sometime. Please, do you want to do it more? Absolutely. Okay.

I'm so lonely. Just come by and hang out. Jason Galern. G-I-L-L-E-A-R-N. Bingo. Follow him on Twitter. So funny. Quick, lightning fast, hard hitting jokes. Joke, joke, joke.

Then I go get stoned. Yeah. Great guy to get high with. One time I got high with you and you had half a panic attack in Santa Monica. That's nothing more fun than that. That was with your brother. Yeah. My brother smokes blunts. He doesn't fuck around. That was the reason. He's like more fun than that. That was with your brother. Yeah. My brother smokes blunts. He doesn't fuck around.

That was the reason. He's like Snoop Dogg. Anyway, thank you guys so much for listening. We'll see you soon. Check out ThatSquad.tv to see when you can find us around next and TonyHinchcliffe.com. Live audience, guys. Thank you so much for coming.

Always a pleasure. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you, guys. I started to look at my balls like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock. Said her name was Bambi. And I said, well, that's a coincidence, darling. Because I was just thinking about skinning you like a deer. Well, she smiled, had about as much teeth as a jack-o'-lantern.

And I went on to tell her how I would wear her face like a mask as I do my little kooky dance. And then she told me to shush. I guess she could sense my desperation. Of course, it's hard to hide a heart on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl. Yes, the lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying. Yes, the lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying Thank you.