KILL TONY - KILL TONY #53

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

Little Esther, Benji Aflalo, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Weinshenk, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Jesus, Brian Redban - Date: 06/02/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Please check us out at DeathSquad.TV. We have all the past episodes, we have video portions to all the shows, and we also have information about seeing us live. If you want to see us live, we do this every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California at 8 p.m. But we also do live shows on the road. We are going to be in Comic-Con 2014 this year.

That's July 23rd at the American Comedy Co. in San Diego, California. We're doing a Kill Tony, followed by a Thunder Pussy. That's right, two Death Squad shows, July 23rd at the American Comedy Co. And then the following day, we are going to do a live comedy show. It's going to be a bunch of guests in the past we've had Joe Rogan, Jim Norton a bunch of stuff

because everybody's in town for Comic Con so they want to do a set so they jump on the show so go check us out July 23rd and 24th American Comic Co tickets are available at AmericanComicCo.com or just go to DeathSquad.tv for

all the dates. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world's famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Heist. Fuck yeah, everybody.

Wow, there's a big crowd here. Hi, everybody. How you doing? Bunch of perverts here for little Esther, right? No, they're not. Come on, Brian. Don't creep everybody out. Give it just like three seconds, please.

Hi, everyone. Happy Monday to you. How are you guys doing? Great. Glad to be here, guys. Another fun Monday. Brian, you're drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. Is that a new sponsor of ours?

It is. It's my new Gatorade to go down with this Patron. Oh, that's so good. It's like my chaser. Every week, Kill Tony becomes a little bit more like Dysentery, Brian's other podcast, where he just sexually harasses people and gets drunk. Yeah, I just drink early now. Drink early.

I stop early, but drink early. Interesting. How's that working out for you? Way better, because drinking at this place at 1 in the morning, and you're trying to drink, that's just depressing. So I thought, hey, get the drinking done early. Then maybe go eat. That's fun.

Oh, I see. So you're changing the schedule completely. Changing the schedule around. It's very exciting. Yeah. Late dinner. It was a fun weekend. We had fun.

I went to a Dodgers game yesterday. Anybody been to a Dodgers game before? Huh? It's interesting. Sort of dangerous. I just went to my first one. Wednesday, I went to my first. I didn't even know that.

Look at us. Did you eat a dog? Yeah, I had a veggie dog. I had a Dodgers veggie dog. What's a Dodgers veggie dog? It was terrible. It tasted like the ketchup and relish and mustard that I put all over it to hide the flavor of whatever was underneath. It was basically a ketchup relish

mustard dog. Especially since I stopped eating the dog part in the middle and just started eating the bread around it. That's what my life's like if you want a little glimpse in eating healthy. That's what it is. It's just bread

and mustard and ketchup. Could you eat anything else? Could you have the garlic fries? I had a lot of other things. I had peanuts and I had Cracker Jacks. I don't care if I ever go back. Yeah, it was bird feed. Exactly.

Bird feed. Birdy Hinchcliffe. I know. You know, just chirping along. And that was fun. A little bit dangerous. It's really creepy there. I know. Just chirping along. That was fun. A little bit dangerous. It's really creepy there.

The fans are outrageous. I felt like everybody was doing an impression of a scumbucket. That's what it feels like at a Dodgers game. You're the one that didn't get the memo. Hey, be a piece of shit today. Who did they play this weekend? The Pirates. that didn't get the memo, hey, be a piece of shit today. Who'd they play this weekend? The Pirates.

So even the visiting team was a bunch of assholes. Yeah, I got to see the Reds, and it was a Wednesday, so I think a lot of people, it was pretty empty, and it was just chill. It was bring your kid, get a batting helmet day when I went. So there was a lot of, what's the word?

Black Friday-ers. Latinos. Oh. And now normally, if you've ever been to a Dodgers game, you would know that there's a lot of Latinos at a Dodgers game anyway. Yeah. But on bring your child to Dodgers Stadium, get a free batting helmet. I was watching people scam this batting helmet station.

That's the way I work, by the way. I spent about half an hour just people watching on the inside stadium part of the game while the actual game was going on because I couldn't help but to just watch these different little scams going on. You're watching pickpockets happen at Dodgers Stadium. Oh, I was dialed into everything. Wow. It was amazing. I mean, they got a free pair.

They got clothing, so that's why they would bring their kids. Right, they brought all their kids. Yeah, so they could get a part of clothing. And let me tell you something else. I don't know if you guys know this, but Latinos definitely know how to make a baby. So when the Latino baseball team has bring your kid to, I mean, they brought their kids.

Yeah, and I got hats. And that's what I was thinking. Like, what do you even do? It's that chintzy batting helmet. So what do you do? Like, put what? Dip in it? That's another thing that grossed me out.

Like, they also serve a bunch of things in batting helmets. It's the same helmet that they also use for the nachos there. Right. You can get like an $8 nachos at Dodger Stadium or you can buy nachos in the batting helmet for $15 which is fucking disgusting. Because then what?

You put the helmet on? After nachos? That's the last thing you'd want to... That's the last helmet you'd want to wear is the I was formerly a nacho holder hat. It's just a little bean. There you go. Keeping the momentum alive. Guys, I'm very – we're going to Comic-Con in July, everybody. Oh, yeah.

So for all our listeners in San Diego, because this is a podcast, believe it or not, people. All this magic that you're seeing right now is not only a live show, but it's also a podcast. There's people listening right now wondering why I'm talking about them listening. We're doing a Thunder Pussy also. We're doing a Kill Tony

and then followed by a Thunder Pussy, which is the improv stand-up show. San Diego is awesome and it's going to be warm, and Comic-Con is fantastic. So we're excited to be part of it. It's going to be a great time. I'm really looking forward to that. But let's talk about today's Kill Tony, shall we? Yes.

We always have a head of security that takes care of us, keeps an eye on us, keeps everybody in the room safe. It used to be the Iron Patriot um and we had him for uh many weeks and then he quit on us so we've been replacing with a new type of patriot each week since then just to show him how easily replaceable he was and so tonight's is this is his first or no it's his second time uh defending our honor and we're excited to have him back. It's the one and only, Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Wow. Yes.

It is. The Christian Patriot. Resurrected for your return. That microphone in front of the chair is going to be the magic, by the way. This one's a little dim over here. Oh, fuck yeah. The right hand of the Lord.

The left hand's going dark. Oh, jeez. Well, why don't you just complain about it? I just do. I'm used to much bigger crowds. Let's turn this wine into some wine or something. Anyway, Jesus, how you doing? Everything's good. Glad to be here. It's a good time for you. It's the off season. Christmas isn't for another six months. Things are bumping. You get to just chill, walk the streets of sunset.

That's right. What I love is that every patriot wears those gloves with the lights on them, but yours actually covers up the holes that were in your hands before that, right? Oh, come on. They might be normal day jokes to you since you're Jesus Christ, but to us, I'm trying to make people laugh here. You don't need to wah-wah-wah me. How dare you, Jesus.

That's good, right? Big improvement. There you go. You got one guy on the right over here. A lot of Jesus fans. That guy must be a good Christian, I'm guessing. So what else is going on, Jesus? How's everything?

What else? What's good? I'm here for the Thunder Pussy show. What? It's not actually really pussy at the Thunder Pussy show. It's not? No. What's going on right now?

I'm confused. He's trying to chase tail. You were talking about baseball. I like baseball. Oh, really? What's your favorite team?. You were talking about baseball. I like baseball. Oh, really? What's your favorite team? The Angels? Really?

That's right. Wow. Come on. They don't like to get dirty, though. They wear white. Fuck yeah. I like Jackson. He's flow, face to face.

Do you ever go see him? Actually, I'm a big Dodger fan. How often do you go to a game? I bet that must be insane, you going there. Because those Latinos, they try to find Jesus everywhere. They try to find Jesus in a fucking piece of toast. The actual Jesus showing up to a Dodger game, they must really freak out. And it must be really hard for them to keep their faith when the Dodgers lose 8-2 after you were there. Guys, what is this, The church meetup group? Are you guys anti-Jesus jokes?

All right. I guess we booked the wrong week. Fuck yeah. This is the great Kevin Lee Light, by the way, everybody. He is on Twitter, Kevin Lee Light. A super awesome human being and spirit. We've been friends forever. We used to be neighbors.

I used to walk out of my apartment, and you'd see Jesus watering his plants across the street. It was fucking awesome. Yeah, but I'd see Tony Hinchcliffe just strolling down the block too. There you go. Alright. I had no idea what a genius he was. Oh, thanks. Jesus Christ, settle down.

Fuck yeah. And let's just keep it moving. You're two guests tonight. I always have two of my funniest friends come on. This is a really fun one because we've all been really good friends for many years. Put your hands together for these two awesome people. It's Benji Aflalo and Esther Pivitsky. Wow.

Can I get a beam? Don't hear me shout. Tip me over and pour me out. Yay. Yay, two of my youngest looking friends For sure, I didn't really realize that Until I saw you guys walking up You look like a couple little babies I used to see Jesus too Because we used to live together

I know, it's true Guys, Esther and I dated five years ago See that lack of applause right there? Exactly, it's true. Guys, Esther and I dated five years ago. See that lack of applause right there? Exactly. It's almost like they know. But that's true. We signed a one-year lease at a place, and Jesus was across the street from us.

We were definitely, the grass was greener on the other side. Being around you guys when you were dating was awful. Why? Because you were always fighting. It was like chaos, and I was trying to be friends with both of you, and it was just chaos. Didn't you watch him go down on me once in the phones room? I didn't watch.

All right, guys. This isn't what I thought the opening conversation was going to be about. Sometimes when you tell them just to have fun and everything will be okay, you don't get your point across as to let's not bring up that shitty part of five years ago. I saw them. You saw them? No. I was walking into the comedy store phones room

and the door was shut. I think I knocked because I had a feeling. Sure enough, I came in and I didn't see anything, but the vibe was there. The air was heavy. We were boyfriend and girlfriend. No, no, I mean the vibe of there was just something sexual happening two seconds ago.

Oh, totally, of course. As a born and bred nerd, I can always tell when I'm ruining sex for other people. That's awesome. Also, just a quick disclosure, Esther's body odor right now is at full steam. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God, it is. You like my body odor.

I used to like it. It's not my fault. It is your fault. You don't wear deodorant. It's your fault. I took a shower two days ago. Yeah, with your dog. Are you serious?

She doesn't shower all the time. And if I go, when do you shower? Like, every other day? And she goes, as needed. Yeah. Has it really been two days? Yeah, with your dog. Are you serious? She doesn't shower all the time. And if I go, when do you shower? Like every other day? And she goes, as needed. Yeah. Has it really been two days? Yeah, it was. Do you not enjoy a shower?

No. It's one of my favorite parts of the day. First of all, I don't take showers. I take baths. Oh, my God. She never takes showers. You sit in a bowl of Esther soup thinking that that's going to get rid of whatever filth you have. Like, you could still have bacteria on you from a year ago.

If you really haven't taken a shower where water goes off of you and into a drain, that's bad. It's like, it's European. You should sell little bottles of your tub water to those crazy guys that jerk off to your podcast sometimes. It actually is good. All the bacteria, like as cavemen, our skin was covered in that bacteria that we don't have as much anymore. So maybe there's an argument there.

Even cavemen would go to different lakes to bathe in. She just keeps sitting in that same pot. I can't imagine what the ring around that must look like. It's like Saturn. Just a fucking thick rotating ring of rocks.

It's working. Esther's half tropical fish is what we don't know. You're like the worst mermaid ever. You have human legs. Alright guys. We've lost the audience at some point. I thought it was funny, the conversation about your bathing.

Maybe not. I still love you. Oh. I'm just kidding. Big reveal. Jesus, when we lived across the street from you, did you ever see us arguing? Did I ever talk with you about it being tough times, being two years into the comedy game and being in a relationship with a girl that wouldn't let you leave her side for more than 20 minutes.

I'm needy, okay? Y'all know what I am. You're definitely, you're needy of a shower is what you're needy of. It's kicking in here right now. Tony moved into his car to move out of the apartment with Esther. All right. It's true. Tony moved into his car to move out of the apartment with Esther.

It's true. Since it is brought up, and this was not my intention, but I will tell you the icing on the cake is that this is true. I did live in my car while trying to figure out and save after that. And people always ask me, they go, hey, man, that's so crazy. I heard that you lived in your car for a while. And it was the happiest time of my life was living in this car. How do you think I feel knowing that a man would rather live in a car than live with me?

But you knew what you were doing. You poor little thing. It was so sad. I didn't want to be the one that had to housebreak you. Let's not go there. Okay. No, I mean this isn't like a relationship podcast or anything. And it's exactly what I was hoping wouldn't happen

when I decided to have you on the show. Thank you, Benji, for opening up the floodgates and then going back to the phone room story after I said that. Anyway, guys, the point is that we've all been friends for a really long time. It's true. There's a lot of history here. There's four of us. Yeah, totally. We're all friends.

Yeah, I used to have sex with Esther after Tony. Oh my God. You guys, I went through a rough phase. I got Tony's leftovers. You guys, I'm... It's true. And I've been her friend the whole time. Heck yeah.

Just dealing with all the garbage. You tried to have sex with me one time. One and a half times. It didn't work. I didn't try to kiss her. I just mounted her. And you still didn't get it? What happened?

We just knew we shouldn't have sex, and then she was... I rejected you. So strongly. I guess. And you said that the only reason you had sex with me is because you had Thai food goggles. I ate a lot of Thai food. I wasn't thinking

clearly. And then eventually I was like, okay, I'm going to the bathroom to jerk off. And then she's like, alright, let me see your dick. I showed her my dick and she's like, it is. And then she goes, okay, go to the bathroom and jerk off. That's exactly what happened. That was not the time I saw your dick, but whatever. Okay, well, what was your time that you saw his dick?

This is exciting. Let's move on to the open micers. Whoa, whoa. First of all, you don't call people open micers. That's disrespectful. That's what you do all the time. They're comedians. Oh, the comedians.

They might just be getting their start, but open mic her as a bad stigma no it doesn't it absolutely does not okay you're right I didn't mean that in a mean way I just love the fact that Benji showed you his penis and it was so sad looking that you're like nah go ahead jerk off no she was impressed I did good she said your penis is bigger but mine's still fine

well of course your penis is bigger, but mine's still fine. What? Well, of course my penis is bigger. Let's just put it this way. I used to fill Esther up like a bathtub. Oh, my God. That's a callback, guys. Those of you that are applauding are going to have fun here tonight. Those of you not applauding are a little bit stiff.

I do not let people come inside me. That was a cross line. No, that's not what I'm feeling. Esther, just stay positive. Everything's okay. Just because I said fill you up like that doesn't mean that I came inside of you. Just relax.

So defensive. What doesn't count? Yeah, it's true. You guys, I'm a nice girl from Illinois. Aww. Kind of. I don't know. And I remember watching you start stand up and I remember

when Benji first got here and we've had so much fun so let's watch people do comedy are you guys ready for Kill Tony 53 many comedians have signed up to fill up this bucket for the chance to do one minute. You know that you're...

All right, everybody, settle down. Save your energy. What was that? Guys, you know that your 60 seconds is up when you hear the meow of a kitty. Aw, how cute. You better wrap it up after that, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Alright. Very good.

It's an interesting bear. What was that? That was a gay bear. Well, that would be the West Hollywood bear, wouldn't it? It's finally all coming together. 53 episodes in, it's finally starting to sound like a gay bear. All right. So let's do it, shall we? Here we go.

Your first comedian tonight. There's still a battery in this, Josh. Why do you keep the battery in this bucket for no reason? All right. Doesn't matter. Hey. Hey, I know that this girl's been signing up for a while and due to the formalities of the bucket, some people don't get up for a while

and it gets annoying because I really like this chick. Super cool, super funny. It's Klee Wiggins, everybody. Working out a minute on Kill Tony from the deepest corner. Hello, guys. This mic is not on.

There it goes. Okay. I thought it was on. So actually, since you guys live together, I actually moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago. And the thing is

we're both black nerds, the two of us, and we live next to these white hippie neighbors. And I don't think they realize who exactly they're living next door to. Because in the year that we lived together, we've had the cops calling us three times because of our arguments.

And it's because really we still argue like niggas really like in that we call each other all kind of niggas and motherfuckers and in our arguments but what we argue about is super nerdy like the first time the cops ever got called um it was an argument about how to best reboot buck rogers and the cops get there and they they separate us and they take me in the other room and of course he's handcuffed

and sitting in the computer chair. But the cop was like, ma'am, can you tell me what happened? I'm like, you know what this motherfucker had the nerve to tell me? He said if you reboot Buck Rogers, you don't need Twinkie. Who the fuck is going to carry Dr. Theopolis

if you don't have Twinkie? Thank you. I don't know Buck Rogers, but I like what's going on there. I like the premise because I know how true it is. I know you and Ed. If you don't know, Klee and her also hilarious boyfriend, Ed Greer, do a

segment here every Sunday night where they go on stage together and they talk about their week, what happened this week of them living together and then they answer questions. Super funny. Totally worth checking out on a Sunday night. Clea and Evian Clea Show, 1130 Sunday. There you go. Boom. 1130.

And they are black nerds and that's funny. I love that you're keeping it real. I just don't know Buck Rogers, so I don't know how hard that reference will hit. Yeah, that's super nerdy. You could kind of dumb it down for us.

I do sometimes. Because actually the actual first fight was about Batman. But I prefer the Buck Rogers one. What was the argument? What was the Batman argument? He's a huge DC fan and loves Batman. Batman is his favorite character. But he hates the Christopher Nolan Batman movies

and I really only like The Dark Knight but it's a big argument about how he really sorts of rants about how they suck because Batman goes out in the afternoon too often and dressed as Batman he's The Dark Knight he doesn't go out at 2pm that's for sure

and how he hates them and I sort of defend, like, well, like, you know, how people try to defend them, like,

atmospherically, you know, whatever. How do you defend Christopher Nolan's Batman? Well, I mean, I think it's just,

like, I like what he did with the tone and the way he tried to tell the story. I think he, he fucked it way up with Dark Knight Rises,

but Batman Begins and Dark Knight are pretty good, as far as, there's a lot, there's a lot of afternoon Batman in Dark Knight Rises, but Batman Begins and Dark Knight are pretty good. There's a lot of afternoon Batman in Dark Knight Rises. It's terrible. Just to prove to you how big of a nerd she is, everybody. There was that. I got it out of her.

Part of the reason why I told that joke just now, besides you guys referencing living together, is that the last time I was on here, Bobby Lee said I should do that. I had a whole big plan of doing it and hopefully getting up quicker and it was like a month and a half ago. I agree. And the reason why I asked about the Batman thing specifically, and I think

that could be an easy transition in, is A, it's real. You said that was the first argument. And B, people can relate to that. You know what I mean? Everybody's seen the last few Batmen. Is it three that Nolan did or two? She can even make it more general than that, though.

You can make it something just as generic as Superman versus Spider-Man and just find a way to get, you know. I mean, sometimes I switch it up or I do the fight of the week if we've had, like, a super nerdy argument of that week. Sometimes I'll just do that one. You know, but sometimes I'll reference the actual three arguments that did turn into like door slamming and it also and i think if there's a way to uh contrast the two things because it's also it's also the arguments are what was the word not black but n but... Niggas. Oh, okay. I do like... Well, sometimes I'll say they're very, like,

Tyler Perry, why did I get married? Right, so I think that's funny, too. They do descend sometimes into very cliche, like, Jefferson-esque arguments. As black nerds, do you get more nervous around the cops or the geek squad? Just a joke, guys? Just throwing out jokes. Neither really because we're just

non-threatening enough as black people that the cops don't really mess with us. We're just that side of Bryant Gumbel and then, you know, but also, you know, but geek squad also is like, they're there to help. Have the cops actually come to your...

Yeah, three times. Oh. And was it just an argument about... It was always arguments, and it was always the neighbor next door. And then, actually, a couple months ago, I finally talked to the... Because it's a couple that lives next to us also.

And they're these white hipster, hippie chick dudes. Are they hippies or hipsters? Is there a difference? The girl is a hipster, and the dude is a hippie. What? They're probably both hipsters. And he's the one who's called the cops on us all three times because I got the chance to talk to the girl.

And she's like, I'm not the one because I understand. Your arguments don't sound that bad to me, but my boyfriend doesn't like it. He thinks it sounds very dangerous. You don't need to call the cops on us. I'm never in danger. The blacks are fighting. Burn sage.

He thinks because they get real. I don't know, they've gotten very, I guess if you only could hear it, and they can't hear everything we're saying. And obviously when somebody swears or something, all they hear is, motherfucker, nigga. Right. All right, but are we talking fight once a day, once a week, once a month, or once? I'd say maybe twice a month. Twice a month. And, like, screaming matches. Yeah, they do sometimes

send screaming matches. Nerdy screaming matches. The book was better than the movie. Yeah, like, and it's... When it gets that bad, that was rare. The three times it's happened, it's been, like, that bad. Where most of the time it'll just be, like, we'll just be cutting each other off and not listening.

Walk up to your white neighbors and be like, we fuck loud. That's all you're hearing. We do also fuck loud, though. Maybe they resent that. I don't know. We try to keep it early in the morning. It's probably that. Those hippies, they sit Indian-style and just jerk off to each other. No, they fuck in their living room with the windows open.

They're getting everybody else. We fuck loud. They fuck in their living room with the windows open. They're getting everybody else. We fuck loud. They fuck in their living room with the windows open. I don't get that one. Oh, so creepy. That's when I walk by and I'm just like, they're fucking on the couch again with the windows open. When nerdy blacks fuck instead of knocking boots,

it's knocking toms. All right, guys. I think you guys both decided to put in your 10 cents at the same time there. You guys were both really ramping up for something. Brian with the sound effect, Benji with the joke, and you guys just canceled each other out big time.

Big time. I mean, that was just the epitome of probably great jokes, but bad timing. That's what that's called. Knocking Toms. So what did you say? I said, because they're black nerds,

instead of knocking boots, they're knocking Toms. Toms is like a nerdy shoe. No, we still dress like black people, too. I feel like I want to know more about what a black nerd is and does. That's like an open market. Interacting with regular white nerds, interacting with regular blacks.

What's that like? Do black nerds like different with regular white nerds, interacting with regular blacks. Yeah, like... What's that like? Do black nerds like different things than white nerds? No. Do they drink from separate water fountains? Yes. Growing up black nerd, you know, what's that like? For Ed, it was hard. For me, it wasn't that bad

because I grew up in San Francisco. But he grew up in Kansas City, so... Pretty black. It was very difficult for him. Is the music you listen to nerdy, too? No, I listen to very misogynistic rap and a lot of 80s hair metal. 80s hair metal?

Yeah. Maybe you're not a nerd. Like Motley Crue. I've seen Motley Crue in concert like four times. Do they make you sit in the back row? Oh no, they... Well, that's funny. That is very funny.

But no. So like misogynistic rap. So like you'll listen... Like I like E-40. I like Rick Ross. You'll listen to the game and then you'll also listen to a Magic the Gathering podcast. I'm not really into Magic the Gathering. I do like D&D. You're missing out.

D&D. Dungeons and Dragons. You never really got into Magic the Gathering. It came out when I was a little too old to be here. There's one guy in the back of the room playing Dungeons and Dragons by himself right now. I played with Scott Kidd before. Actually, me and Ed played with Scott Kidd recently. Oh, shit.

It was fun. The Red Box? The original box? I think we played the newest version, actually. The reason I got into D&D is my mom. My mom used to force me and my brother to play D&D. My mom's a nerd also. She's a video game nerd. I'm a sci-fi nerd, and Ed's a comic book nerd.

Does your asthma inhaler have bling on it? I've never had it. More black nerd jokes, guys. Never had asthma. These are great. I was an athlete in school. Benji's a machine. He would sit here all day and just chipping away.

I've got a million of them. The only first time I met you and Esther, Tony, was you guys were fighting on the patio at Red Rock. Really? Is that true? Yeah, it's true. Amy Hawthorne was like, oh, you should meet Tony and Esther. I think you guys were breaking up

or maybe getting back together, breaking up. Right as me and Ed were first dating. And then you guys, she's like, come over. And then as soon as we stepped over there, it was clear you guys were having an argument. It was hilarious. It was on that upper floor patio. Yeah, it was probably about to jump off.

It was a dark time. It's too bad up here. Oh, wow. Also, Kevin, you know the Giants are up seven games over the Dodgers, so the Dodgers can suck it. Boom. You just got burnt. I just burned Jesus over baseball. baseball whoa there you go look who was on it on that one all right okie dokie um klee you're awesome thank you john i would definitely

keep chipping away at the types of things that benji is floating out there those little things that are filler also i would make a make a bigger Bryant Gumbel type of joke. I think there's something so funny about Bryant Gumbel that you could add it into. That's what I'm trying to say. It seems like Bryant Gumbel would fit right into...

Right. Maybe that's it. If you and your... It'd be a baby Bryant Gumbel. If you guys had a baby. Something. Probably it would end up being Bryant Gumbel. You'll figure it out. I think she should just corner the black nerd market

as hard as possible. Because that's something. Right. Maybe. I mean, that's sort of like a thing. I guess black nerds are hot now with Hannibal Buress. I used to tie their nails. It's cool to be a nerd right now.

Well, yeah. It's been fun for my whole life, too. Yeah. I was a cool nerd, though. I was a jock. I didn't have the typical nerd experience. That's why I have confidence now. I used to make fun of kids so bad.

I remember one kid in school had a nose that was filled with dried boogers and I would just destroy him. Every single day he had dried boogers in his nose. You're such a jerk. You know, he was just doing a ton of blow every night and then not... No, this was grade school. These boogers were from

God. Did he eat them? What? Did he eat them? Oh, I don't remember. I don't remember that. Klee Wiggins, thank you so much. That was awesome. Thank you, Brian. Follow her on Twitter at Klee the Pimp. K-L-E-E the Pimp. All one word. Klee Wiggins. Hell yeah.

How's that slurpy? It's a good evening snack. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. Guys, no better time to eat at McDonald's than now. that slurpy? It's a good evening snack. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, guys, no better time to eat at McDonald's than now. Double cheeseburgers are 99 cents, and

this summer... Isn't there a happy hour? Buy one smoothie, get one free? I think between the hours of three and five, if I remember the billboard correctly. There you go. McDonald's, I'm loving it. That's so bad. One of our favorite sponsors, McDonald's. You're joking.

Who, me or him? What do you think? Some people do ask. It's pretty funny. Yeah, you're going to get sued. You're going to get us all in trouble for this. Yeah, you can't get sued by not making money. Yeah, that's true. You can't get sued by not making money.

It's not like McDonald's is losing eaters because I'm saying go eat the food. It is a joke because obviously they don't really sponsor us. But weekly I push them just for a moment. It's funny because you're a vegan so you're almost like, please kill yourself everybody. I'm eating healthy, but I encourage you to be a fat idiot. And the fact that their trademark is I'm loving it, and most people know that I

would never eat McDonald's at all. I don't even go near that type of garbage. I mean, the closest I came in the past year was that veggie dog I ate half of at Dodgers Stadium. And every bite, I'm thinking about how gross it is, and I'm thinking about the process of how even a veggie dog

gross. Or maybe the gas station Long John Silver's we had in Houston. That was bad. That was bad. That was bad. If you guys are on the road doing Texas ever and you're between cities

where you have to drive four hours from Austin to Dallas. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it was. And you're halfway there and you're starving and you've been waiting past exits that have a lot of things and there's just one exit and it's along John Silver's connected with the gas station.

You go, I want to eat there because then we'll have a funny thing to say about it. That's a bad bad decision., bad decision. Truly bad decision. That was the thing that caused that terrible stuff that night. We didn't actually get roofied. We might have, though. We got really sick.

I was sick for it. Yeah, but when you get food poisoning, you don't forget parts of your night. Like five hours of our night is gone. I black out from pizza and I get a hangover. Pizza hangover. You black out from pizza and I get a hangover. Pizza hangover. You black out? Yeah. Fuck yeah. What kind of pizza do you like?

Gluten free cheese pizza. Gluten free cheese pizza? Yeah. Where do you get it from? If anyone wants to take me on a date. She might black out. Fuck yeah. Yeah, you're an easy date date. She might black out. Fuck yeah. Yeah, you're an easy date rape. Just carbs.

Yeah. Okay, who's next? Your next comedian goes by the name of Sayree. Here she comes. Say it. Say it. How you guys doing?

Good. Good. I just realized there's three words every undercover lesbian knows. Like, yeah, I'm about to go there tonight, right? Like, I was hanging out with my friend, my good friend. She used to always try and get me drunk. She's like, Sarai, you're drunk? Spend the night, Sarai, you're drunk?

I was like, uh, bitch, I had one beer. And she was like, no, you messed up. Spend the night, right? So I said, one night I said, get the sofa ready for me. I'll sleep on the sofa, okay? And then she was like, no, sleep in the bed with me. And that's when I heard those three words. She was like, we're both girls. Sleep in the bed with me, we're both girls. I woke up in the middle of the night with like fingers in my, who I'm meow.

You know, after I came, guys, you know, and like ever since then i haven't been all the way straight you know like the other day my friend was breastfeeding and i got a little turnt on you know like i looked at the baby i was like share the milk share the milk all right thanks guys hell yeah you were almost gonna drink breast milk there at the end of that. Interesting. I would say get to it a little bit faster. The actual meat and potatoes of it is that she fingered you. And you liked it. And you liked it.

But everything after that part is pretty funny and beat it out. I just get to it faster. A lot of you don't know how, I mean, I'll tell you how lesbianism started with me is Bobbity Bob and like you're just right in on, it's when your friend that is a lesbian watches you have one beer and tells you you're too drunk instead of like selling it and going back and forth

with those characters for no reason because you're going doing her and then you say Sarai, right? Sarai, you're drunk and you're like all that and there's really not much there. So you can just skip all that, get right to the fingering and then you're in and banging. Make it sound like you're talking

to a friend about it. If you were telling me, hey, last night I slept in this bed and you told it to me like it really happened, I think it would be 100 times more funny because I'm going to believe it. You're kind of doing like a cartoon character up there. When you were doing it, I liked what you were saying, but I kind of felt like you weren't being serious.

Yeah, you felt like a little scripted. Yeah, like an actress. I'm trying to get it out the minute. No, that's okay. But you have amazingly high cheekbones. Yeah. Oh, thank you. They're beautiful.

The Indian side, Native American. Is that a true story? Did that really happen to you? That is true. And are you now partially lesbian? I don't know. I'm confused. Did she meet?

Wow, she turned you. Look at that. See, that's so interesting. I'm like rehab. You know, like if I see a certain girl, I might relapse, you know? But right now, I'm straight. I'm fine. See, that's more real.

How you're talking right now is 100% more real. And it would make that story so much more interesting and funny. Yeah, just being loose and just doing open mics and being loose. And fighting your own homosexuality is something we can all relate to, right? Right? Yeah. Benji, for

sure. Jesus. How do you, uh, like, have you fantasized about hooking up with her again? No. That was years ago. That was college. That was like my freshman year in college. Wow. So she's thrown you off the straight pedestal

ever since. No, I mean, I'm okay. Like, I'll date, you know, guys mostly, but, you know. Mostly. You know, but, I don't know. It's still something that's a little weird about me, so. That's not weird, just liking women. Yeah, that's just being bisexual.

It's normal. Is that your go-to masturbation memory, though? Yeah, every now and then I'll just imagine her just nude and I'll just go, no, I'm just joking. No, not at all?

I don't think about her at all. That night? But sometimes, like, I'll have really close friendships with women and I'm like, oh, shoot, do I like her as a friend or is it, like, kind of borderline, you know? Have you hooked up with chicks since this girl in, oh shoot, do I like her as a friend or is it kind of borderline?

Have you hooked up with chicks since this girl in college? I plead the fifth. It's not. You know what she's doing? You shouldn't be ashamed. No, she wants the shame because it makes the lesbian action more hot if she feels wrong. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're bad.

Oh, you shouldn't do that. Oh man, that't do that. Oh, man. That would be terrible. You come harder if it makes you feel dirty. That's true for everything. Esther, give her a taste. That's why everybody likes banging Esther. It makes them feel dirty.

Nothing dirtier than the chick that showers when she needs to. Man, yeah, that's exciting. Do you come from a Christian background? I do. My dad is a preacher, my grandpa is a preacher, my uncle is a preacher. Jesus, what do you think about her adventuring

into the depths of vagina? West Hollywood Gay Pride Festival, June 6th through 8th. Thank you, I'll write that down. There you go. Yeah, that's the best place to stick a finger in. So your parents will kill you if your preacher family would be upset if you were a lesbian? Maybe not kill me, but they would probably be really disappointed. Do they have internet?

No. No, my dad doesn't know. Is your dad one of those cool black preachers that like... No, not really. Not really. I mean, he's a very loving guy, but I mean, I'm like his only daughter out of eight boys. So like all the pressure's on me to produce. I don't know what that means.

Are they kind of suspicious when considering you're not a single black mother? Maybe, maybe a little. I don't know. Do they really? That's maybe a sign for them or something, right? So you have how many brothers? I have eight brothers. Wow. You're the only girl. Only girl. Oh, what a nightmare.

Yeah. Wow. I couldn't get a date in girl. Oh, what a nightmare. Yeah. Wow. I couldn't get a day in high school anyways. Not to make the typical gay joke, but you guys are all now a softball team with all nine of you. There you go. So the reason why your parents would be upset is because you would end the family line if you went full...

The boys can have babies. Oh yeah, that's right. What am I thinking? I won't even get the name anyway. For some reason, I forgot about that part. Wow. Actually, my name is Vinice Sarai. Sarai is actually my last name. So I go by Sarai.

What's your first name? Big lesbian? Yeah, that too. Come on, people. I had to throw it out there. Just be a lesbian if you're a lesbian. Or be bisexual. You only live once.

She's bisexual. Let us all watch. Yeah. You're only getting older. You's bisexual. And let us all watch. Just let it all, yeah. Got it. You're only getting older. You can get all-star pussy right now. It's only, the lesbian pussy you're going to take home is only getting worse. So you might as well play the market.

It's true. Are any of your brothers lesbian? Not that I know of, but there's one brother that's a little, a little iffy. A little iffy. You know that guy. When his family's not around, I'll bet you he's not a little iffy at all. He's just balls deep into guys' assholes, by the way. Let me just promise you, if you think he's a little iffy, he is just dicks all over his face.

Everything's in his butt. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying that it's funny when a relative says, oh, one brother, he's a little iffy. Everything's in his butt. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying that it's funny when a relative says, oh, one brother, he's a little iffy. It's like, okay. We know. If he's showing you a little iffy,

like if the stuff that you see like at Thanksgiving dinner or whatever when he's like jerking off the turkey leg or, you know, like, I mean, obviously it wouldn't be that. But if you think he's a little iffy, that cracks me up, right? You just know he's... Yeah, he's like a personal trainer. He's always oiled up and, obviously it wouldn't be that. But if you think he's a little iffy, that cracks me up, right? You just know he's.

He's like a personal trainer. He's always oiled up. Well, that'll be great. If you take Jesus' advice and you go to the gay parade, you might run into your brother on one of the floats. All right. I lost everybody on that one. But that's fun stuff. I definitely get to the fingering and fire off more after that, fun stuff. I definitely get to the fingering and, uh, and, uh, fire off more after that,

you know, and it's most compelling when you talk about the interior battle of, is it right and wrong with your dad as a preacher and seven brothers. If you get all that in there, cause it's so real anyway, you'll be able to come up with more stuff and there'll be new parts of that entire truth thing that's built and it'll make you feel good every time you talk about it because it's therapeutic were you baptized in a church or like a pond uh church church what kind of question is that you really went for it with

that one buddy classic red man were you baptized in a pond? I was just imagining this old school church where she was in the back with her brothers and they're all in white shirts on. Oh my god. Getting their shirts all wet. I love it. Sarai, thank you so much. Very cool. Very funny.

She's on Twitter at I am Sarai. That's S-A-Y-R-I-E. S-A-Y-R-I-E. S-A-Y-R-I-E. Oh, lesbians are fun. What an interesting breed. She's the cheery lesbian too, not the angry lesbian. Love me a cheery

lesbian. Lesbians are most fun when they're being lesbians, you know? Scissoring is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life. It's not a myth. They don't like it. It doesn't feel good. I feel like then they're bad at it.

I feel like there's lesbians out there with skills who can scissor really well. You can do it if the girl has extended lips and if you match it up right, sure, you can probably do it, but most of the time it's just way more work than it's, you know, pleasure for them. I'm talking some CrossFit dykes who can fucking scissor. I've talked to lesbians that actually scissor before from on stage,

but they were agreeing with me. But these aren't little baby Hollywood lesbians like you're probably used to. These are bull dykes that are visiting from fucking Missouri that have shorter hair than me. They have huge pussy lips that are probably rough like an elbow, so that's why they have fun with it. I'm not saying scissoring's hot. I'm saying scissoring is comedically one of the funniest things I could watch. It's like watching people fall.

It's up there with farting or falling out of a chair. Scissoring's amazing. I used to think it was hot. Now the only scissoring I ever get to see is Josh cutting these pieces of paper from the sign-up sheet in the days. Scissoring jokes, guys. Scissoring jokes.

I should have scissored that one out of the rotation. Ooh, never seen this name before, and it sounds like a professional wrestler. Put your hands together for Brock Davis, everybody. Brock Davis. Knees and toes, knees and toes. Shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. And eyes and feet.

Hi, guys. So have you ever get misled because of a movie title? Like you think it's one thing, it turns out to be something else. Like the others, like for instance I thought, I don't want to watch a drama about Hispanics right now. But then my friend told me that it was actually a thriller with Nicole Kidman. And she doesn't even sell oranges in it so it's like false advertising. And then there is another movie called The Quiet Ones and I thought

why would you ever make a comedy about rape victims? But it turns out it's like this evil girl that likes heaven and she has evil powers but she doesn't even get molested in the movie so I'm like where's my refund? But then there's 12 Years a Slave.

And I thought that was like a competition show where you win your freedom and $200,000. But it turns out it's this incredible, compelling, like this moving, definitely the best comedy of the year. And I don't care what any of you think, that Wayne's Brother totally deserved that Oscar. So thanks to you guys. It's Brock. That's exactly a minute. You nailed it, Brock. Where are you from?

I'm actually adopted and I think it's from a third world country so I just call my parents Brad and Angelina and they call me I should have had that abortion. So where are you from? I'm from Los Angeles. Do you seem like you have an accent. Yeah.

What is that? Like I said, I don't know. Seriously, my parents have accents. What are your parents' accents? It's like Russian. Right.

But it's phasing out. I don't know. I never asked. You never asked the parents who adopted you what nationality they are. Wow. It's good to know

you guys got close. We're so progressive. Fuck yeah. And you're got close. We're so progressive. Fuck yeah. And you're from LA. How old were you when you left whatever foreign country you left? I don't know. I tried to block those memories out. Damn. Wow. Interesting. How many times have you been on stage?

How long have you been doing this? Dozens or more. I mean, I wrote. I'm actually like, I go to film school and I like write for scripts of my own stuff. But I then changed that material into my sets. And I've been writing these jokes for like years and then it piled up like dozens of pages. So I said, you know what?

I should start using those pages. So I just started doing comedy, but I've been writing my material many years. You've been writing 12 years of slave jokes for years? Yeah, I foresaw that. I foresaw that. I actually watched the whole thing, and they actually stole my idea,

but I can't prove it, so. And in mind, there are actually Reigns brothers, but, you know, they decided to go with the other way, which is so stupid. Because can you see the potential? Like, White Chicks 2, 12 Years a Slave, kind of like that. I have a question.

Do you know who Dylan Klebold is? No. Okay, just checking. Sorry, was that like someone that... Is that the dude from Santa Barbara? No, that's the Columbine shooter. Oh. Oh.

Oh, thank you. I feel like he's not good enough with information to be a school shooter. It's really interesting. Your accent is really interesting. Your accent is overwhelmingly interesting. Does that mean can you not have someone voice over you? What?

Do you mean like my voice is shitty or is it good and interesting? Yeah, it's different. It's interesting in the way that it's different. Yes. Is it good different? It depends on if it's ever found out what the origins of that accent are. Oh, okay. Then I'm definitely not giving that away.

Yeah, because if they say it's Japanese. If you think you can just talk... If you're Armenian, I hate your face, but if you're from another country that I don't hate, then I'm okay with your accent. No, if you were Japanese and you sounded like that, there's something completely wrong with you. I'm't hate, then I'm okay with your accent. No, if you were Japanese and you sounded like that, there's something completely wrong with you.

I'm actually Asian, but I had reconstructive eye surgery, so see, you can't even tell I'm a terrible driver. I see what you're doing. He's been doing... No jokes after the minute. He did that already.

Honestly, is your personal life very... Are you a dirty person in real life? he did that already honestly is your personal life very are you a dirty person in real life or were you baptized in a pond

I mean like I mean no it was actually a sewer but because you know your style's very you know in your face

you know almost abortion I bet you have a bunch of abortion material somewhere just waiting to get out I think he did an abortion joke oh no he did a rape joke if I were you I a bunch of abortion material somewhere just waiting to get out. I think he did an abortion joke. Oh, no, he did a rape joke.

If I were you, I would dump all the jokes, do a research paper on who you are, and I would just be vulnerable, bro. Like he said, talk about your voice. It's so unique. Or if you're adopted and you don't even really know where you're from, that's just... No one ever says that.

No one's ever said those things. Okay. I mean, I like my jokes just fine. No, I'm not saying don't do jokes, but there's so much in who you are that no one else... I kind of try to keep that apart from my stage persona, but I get

that it's like a... Well, it's very disconnective when somebody comes out and just starts going with movie jokes. You basically gave a very – you went straight into – Especially if it's a Nicole Kidman movie joke. Right.

And some of them I haven't heard of. Right? Those are just a little old. What's the quiet one? Is that with Nicole Kidman? What? The Others is actually a movie that came out. I remember The Others, but what about a quiet one is that what the others is actually a movie that came i remember the others but what about a quiet white ones i think it just came out like two weeks ago or something it was

like a horror movie oh and you can't do mexican selling oranges jokes it's just too old it's so overdone that's so done yeah so now you see that i already wrote the material years ago I guess I mean it was old years ago I don't know I never went up here before So when it's the minute I just choose the material that I can work with Right, but you don't ever talk about

You were in these dozens or more of sets that you've had I do talk about me But not to a minute extent But do you talk at all about your voice? No. You got to talk about that voice. Okay, I will talk about my voice. It's unbelievable.

It's going to be the first. It was so hard for me to even listen to what you were saying because I was just trying to think of what you sounded like, and I couldn't. With 60 seconds of continuous talking, I still can't put my finger on exactly I know what it is what's that famous actress that's deaf

Marlee Matlin no no in the future when there's like a technology to fix her voice that's what his voice sounds like there you go you have these compliments you're like, you have the voice of an angel

that has throat cancer. I'm like, is my voice good? Your voice sounds like an effeminate person who was raised at the UN. Yes. Yes.

Thank you. What's that? But you gotta know that. You gotta know that you sound like that. What's most important isn't that Benji got a laugh. It's that you need to take from this that it's the first thing everybody notices when you start to talk.

Listen to this podcast, and then you'll hear your voice, and you'll get it. Or just cup your hands like this. No, you guys, I heard my voice. I'm not happy with it. We're not making fun of you, though. Sneak up behind people and talk and see what their reaction is.

We're just messing around. No, I know. Especially when I'm doing my sets, I try to sound more juvenile, and that adds to what you were saying. Just be you, bro. You try to sound more juvenile? What does that mean? Yeah, because you cannot

say something offensive and then also sound like oh, fuck whatever religion group this is. Fuck that person. Fuck those that listen. I love that voice, too. I think your real calling is in voiceover. You'd be a great voiceover guy.

Hey, Rocky, what's coming out of that rock over there? If I came out like that and if I was insulting those groups in that voice, wouldn't that be more offensive? But in a really, as if I'm actually trying to... You have the voice of someone who just stole my daughter. I actually think you said it reading to me before bed. Because you could make good characters. Good characters.

I'm not good at it. Can you do anything else with your voice? Is there any impressions that you do or anything like that? I don't have any impressions, but I can alter it. I mean, I have an old guy joke. Let's hear it. Are you Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper's son? Because now the accent makes sense.

It's starting to come together. Film student trying to find an outlet for himself. Austrian, Mexican. Fuck yeah. I'm like a Benetton commercial. What's your old man impression? Let's hear that. It's not an impression, but this literally happened.

We were showing the campus to a friend of mine's grandfather, and he saw an interracial couple and he pulled my friend's arm and he went like, Oh, did you see those abominations? Is that even legal?

I'm not kidding. Oh my God. You can tell. You need to euthanize them right now. Brock Davis. You're not on Twitter? I'm on Twitter, actually. I forgot to write it in. It's Brock Davis here.

Brock Davis here. That's a great idea for a Twitter name. Instead of John Smith 075, just John Smith here. Yeah, but it's like Brock with B-R-O-C-K so they can still find me because they think it's spelled differently.

Brock? Brock Lesnar spelled Brock. You're good. It's exactly like that, but I don't know. I tell people, is that with an X? I'm like, no, it's B-R-O-C-K. I don't know. This literally happened.

I tell my name and people are like, how do you spell that? Wow. Brock, you're hanging out with a lot of stupid people. I know. But thank you so much, Brock. Welcome to the stand-up community. Dozens and more of spots.

He's done. Fuck yeah. Brock Davis. He's done. Fuck yeah. Brock Davis. That was interesting. What do you mean my voice is weird? It's like unbelievable. Adopted. That's all true, huh? You were adopted.

Wow. He should have a cartoon. That would be a good sounding cartoon and it'd be pretty demented if he stuck to that kind of material. He would have a pretty fucking cool cartoon, like Adult Swim. Talking Bear, that's what I see too. Yeah, Talking Bear.

Jesus, what did you think of Brock? Sounds like a Russian guy from West Hollywood. It does, right? Very much so. It's very much a both. It's almost like Borat and Bruno crossed together for one unfunny movie. With a little bit of Novocaine injection

throughout the gum and tongue area. Yeah, that's true. And you're sort of right. It's like a deaf... But she fixed her voice with technology. No, it's good. deaf uh but she fixed her voice with technology no it's good uh next comedian yeah uh brock you write movies you have a great voice for writing movies um that's the line everybody was that too much guys your next comedian goes by the name of Matt Nino.

Wow, I never get picked for anything. This is so cool. Hi, how are you guys doing? Yeah, Brock, you definitely sound fucking weird, dude. I think maybe the orphanage you stayed at was maybe all for deaf people. I don't know. Did they mention that? I kind of zoned out there towards the end.

Yeah, that's bad. Wow. I just moved here this weekend from Philadelphia. I drove cross country, believe it or not. I did. It just got in Saturday. Driving solo sucks. I listened to a lot of music. I did. It just got in Saturday. Driving solo sucks. I listened to a lot of music. I smoked a lot of pot. I took an amphetamine.

I took several rest stops to do cocaine in the bathroom to keep going. It was awesome, actually, when I think about it. I stopped in Arizona to see this thing called The Thing. It's like all of Arizona on Route 10, whatever. It's like there's nothing but billboards

of the thing. Have you seen this? Anybody? Anybody? Yeah, you guys have been around. Yeah, the thing? Dude, it was just a mummy they found in the Grand Canyon. That's it, really? Wow, that sucked. That sucked so bad. That's one of the first people to ever do crowd work

during his 60 seconds. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen that before. Matt, I'll tell you what I love about you right away. It's exactly what Brock didn't do. And you're talking about real life stuff. You know what I mean? You're being honest. I mean, you admitted to felonies in your 60 seconds.

Like two or three. Yeah, yeah. So that's awesome. How long have you admitted to felonies in your 60 seconds, like two or three. Yeah, yeah. So that's awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up in Philly? In Philly? On and off, actually. This was the first stage I've ever performed on

in a comedy club, actually. Right now? No, no, no. Like seven years ago. Oh. Yeah, I think Jerome Cleary and it was like funny Friday. Oh, okay. Let's just keep moving on You took a seven year break from comedy?

No, I traveled around a lot I kept going back and forth between LA, Austin, Texas and Philadelphia So just kind of like in that general region Well you talked about listening to music Right? But you didn't talk about music. No, no, I didn't talk about music.

Then you went into the drugs that you did on your way here. Yeah. And then you talked about, and this is where things get really interesting, then you talked about a thing called The Thing in which you only will ever know about, only if you're driving through that one stretch of Arizona, and you have to be driving through it to know about it. so it's sort of a tough subject to connect with anybody on because you have to have literally driven over that exact freeway in Arizona to see it that's why what'll end up happening I bet if you talked about the thing multiple sets in front of different

crowds as you would end up always with one or two or three people that just go, yeah, no, I saw it. And then that's it. So you have to really explain it, and it has to be quick and short, or it's probably not worth it. It's definitely not worth it if you don't have something to go to. But your stage presence really gave off a thing where, like, I didn't want you to end, kind of, because you were very comfortable on stage, and it was kind of like, alright, what's

going to happen? But you did just kind of do crowd work, and you didn't really get to anything except talk about the stuff you did. And if you're going to bring up fun stuff, like meth, or you know... You've got to invite us, man. We'll help you move. Doing coke in restrooms, then you have to... It wasn't officially meth.

It was actually like a prescription amphetamine that my friend treated me for some meth. Oh, okay, well, let's not rationalize what's meth and what's not. I think I like that he did, even though you're not going to do a bit about the thing on the Tonight Show, I like that you just kind of kept it loose and just talked about what was on your mind. I think that's an important area.

Yeah, totally. It's great. And I totally agree with Brian. Your stage presence is amazing. But if you're going to mention something, you're going to want to have a point to it. So let's get into a couple questions. Sure. What happened after you took the amphetamine pill on the drive? What state was that in?

I took that from Philadelphia, and I drove. Oh, you didn't even wait. You were still in your hometown of Philadelphia when you popped it. Were you even planning on moving to L.A. until you took the pill? Yeah, no. It was definitely not part of the plan. I traded my friend for weed. He was just like, listen, you leave me with some weed.

I'll give you this amphetamine pill. Help you with the drive. Holy shit. Well, the weed also would have helped you with the drive. But you probably had more of that. It kind of evens it out. My friend, he takes psychotic drugs. I had to take him in and out of the hospital several times

because he's really good with the pills. Let's stick with this subject. How long did the meth last? You took it in Philly. How long does that... What is that, like an eight-hour? It's about 30 hours on the road. Really? And you just didn't sleep about 30 hours on the road. Really? 30 hours. And you just didn't sleep for 30 hours?

I took like 15-minute naps here and there. 15-minute naps. I basically just pretend to sleep and vibrate in the back seat and then just go again. So 30 hours and the meth was worn off. I swear it was an amphetamine test. It was not methamphetamine. And then are you worried about doing both amphetamine salts or Adderall, whatever it is?

Are you worried about doing that and cocaine? So after you ate the bath salts... That's what it's called, amphetamine salts. You guys, he's like six feet tall. He can do whatever he wants. Guys, yeah. Stop being pussies. What the fuck?

He does look exactly like the white guy who can do as much drugs as he wants to do. And never feel bad after. Going across state lines with cocaine and meth. Yeah, I didn't get pulled over once. Well, obviously. Cruise control at 79, and that's my trick. And you're, oh, wow.

I swear, yeah, worse every time. When did you start doing blow? When I was 18. No, I meant on the tribe, but that works out. Why does it have to be 18? Because it's legal when you're 18? The day I turned 18, I went right into that convenience store, and I'm like, give me an eight ball, Habib.

See, I threw in Habib just to be a filthy racist. If only. If only. I got super nervous. Actually, I just abandoned everything I was going to talk about and just kind of spaced and talked about my trip. But it's also great because there's almost something in. You know what I haven't heard is a great, great bit about the drive out here.

And you laid out a little storyline thing of how it could be really funny. I mean, especially since the first twist is that we found out you took the meth while in Philly, which is amazing. So if you set it up and you said, I drove out here, I ended up doing one, whatever you want to call it. I'm going to keep calling it meth, though, because it's so much funnier and more fun. So the fact that you set it up like you did meth and then cocaine twice or three times, you know, specify it and then say that you did the meth while still in Philly. And you would want to, you know, obviously you separated it, right? Or did you meth while still in Philly and you would want to, you know, obviously you separated it, right? Or did you do them all in Philly?

Well, I didn't even take the amphetamine. I basically split it in half, crushed it up on a CD case and snorted. I still have CDs in my car. I don't have an aux cord. What was the thing you just said about the CD? I crushed up the pill on the CD case and then snorted it.

Because it works better and then it's time released. You know what I mean? Because it kind of stays in there. No, I don't know what you mean. I do not know what you mean. But I love it. I think it was Tchaikovsky. I swear to God. Cokeheads love classical music. It's all dramatic. You're coked out.

This crazy classical shit. It's great for when you're pretending to sleep. Yeah. What state did you start doing blow-in? Also at home, you're doing coke. Yeah, well, I killed the bag that I was going to take with me on the trip with my friends playing pool the night before. They convinced

me to drink with them one last night in Philly. You know what I mean? I skipped the open mic I was supposed to say bye to the comics for, and I got drunk with my home state friends. So what state did you start the blow in? A little bit at home and then when I got to Austin, Texas, I read up. You got a coke dealer in Austin? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

You went really far south to get to Los Angeles. Yeah, but Austin's like amazing. Where your coke dealer is. The good one. Where the good one is. I love Austin, man. Where the Coke dealer is. The good one. Where the good one is. I love Austin, man. Where the good one is. Hell yeah.

I've got a pot dealer in Austin who's a Death Squad listener. Oh, yeah? I went and bought pot from him, and I walked in, and he's like, I can't believe you're in my house right now. It was so cool. That's super cool. He had great weed. That's awesome.

I'm so glad you picked my name out of the hat. This was quite an experience. I'm happy I did too, Matt. You're super honest, super cool. Welcome to the L.A. comedy scene. Have a lot of fun. Thank you very much. Do as many spots as you can and keep it real and just keep trying to –

if you mention something, you'll want to get back to it at some point during the opportunity to make a joke about it. You had multiple setups during your 60 seconds, but we didn't really get any punchlines. Okay. So just for future reference, if you say something, if it's amphetamine tabs, whatever you label it as, or cocaine, or as you call it, candy unicorn dust. But get to punchlines and have fun alright thank you very much come back again soon

he's on twitter at Nino Zonin Matt Nino you know another big tip is always record your sets everybody has your iPhone on you always record it always re-listen to your sets because you might make a little tag that fucking kills. Yeah.

And you'll forget about it. And I'll one-up that trick by saying I did it for a long time. I recorded every single set until I realized little things like if you know the tag immediately after your set that you came up with or the joke or the whatever that you want to go back and listen to from that set so that you don't have to listen to everything else. You can literally type that in as the label of that recording so that you know exactly what you're looking back on. Sometimes, though, lately, I'll just type in, listen, it's fucking amazing. Like, if I really kill. Or just like, maybe a few in my phone is all capital letters, like, fuck yes, exclamation points.

Mine will be like train crash. Unusable. An emoticon with a tear. Fuck yeah. Matt Nino, again, is Nino Zonin, Z-O-N-I-N N-I-N-O-Z-O-N-I-N Alright. Even your Twitter handle sounds like a

prescription drug, Matt. I'm at Nino Zonin. 400 milligrams. All right. He's also like a caricature for a dude from Philadelphia. That's like what every dude from Philadelphia is. Really? White guy, ready to party.

Ears pierced. Yeah, like he's very Philadelphia. Where his ears pierced? Yeah. Ooh, you notice those things. I check out all tall guys. You do? Yeah. Yeah, you like tall guys. Yeah, they're good

hunters. But they can't fit in a bathtub. That's the only problem. I don't want to share my bath. I bet. I bet that's the case. Should we try to get one more? Let's do a quick last one. This one's going to have to be extra quick, so sorry in advance to whoever it is, but at least we'll get to do something.

Joe Bowling, everybody. It's Joe Bowling. What's up, guys? You ever have a good news, bad news situation where you get some good news and then you get some bad news right after that kind of brings you back down and evens you back out? A couple months ago, I had a bad news, good news, bad news situation happen to me.

I got some bad news. I got a phone call that said my father had suffered a minor heart attack. And I could tell by your reaction you guys know that's bad news. Nobody wants to get that call, right? Dad had a heart attack. But the good news is, he's my stepdad. So the heart disease wasn't hereditary. That had me flying pretty high. That had me feeling really good. That good news brought me right back up. Because then the bad news that brought me back down again was that I realized, I don't know who my real father is. That guy could have died of a heart attack

at any point during my 29 years of life. I would have had no idea. Thank you guys very much. I've been Joe Bowling. There you go. 55 seconds of Joe Bowling. I love your name, Joe Bowling. Hey, thanks.

Is that your real last name? Real last name. That's so cool. Where are you from? North Carolina. North Carolina. You suck at bowling. No, I'm actually very good. Wow's so cool. Where are you from? North Carolina. North Carolina. You suck at bowling.

No, I'm actually very good. I'm in a league here in LA. I bowled a 236 like a couple months ago. Pickwick? Holy shit. You probably got it from the father who abandoned you. They're usually good bowlers. Do you do the open mic at Meltdown Comics?

I do. Because that's where you look like you belong. That's a nice thing. Those people are more successful than we are. In some ways, sometimes, once in a while. But what she's saying is you are wearing a T-shirt with a hoodie over it and Ray-Ban glasses. That's very true. Yes.

And you smile a lot, which is very show business savvy. It's very good. You're wearing a Navy T-shirt. Were you in the Navy? I was in the Navy. You were? Yep. The old Navy. What's that? Oh You're wearing a Navy t-shirt. Were you in the Navy? I was in the Navy. You were? Yep. The Old Navy. What's that? Oh my god.

What did he say? He said the Old Navy. Oh my god. I missed it. That's a good one. What was that like? It was pretty crazy. I was on a submarine actually, so it was very weird. Wow. Yeah. Anything interesting? I got some jokes about it, but I mean like no jokes after the minute right i guess

so it's all weird it all sounds like a joke it was just where did you think when you said your it was your stepdad i did like the twist but then you also have the whole thing like oh dude your stepdad still had a heart like i was waiting for you to say and he molested me something like that just so i felt better stuck with the truth how it end up? Your stepdad had a heart attack, and was he okay? He ended up recovering, but then he tried to eat healthy, I guess. I found this out from Facebook. He was only my stepdad for a year or two before he left. Right.

He's like a brand new stepdad. Exactly. I didn't even get used to him before he left again. You're not even invested. Have you had a lot of stepdads? No, just the one, actually. This was the first stepdad you've had? Yeah, just the one. That's kind of interesting to have first stepdad you've had? Yeah, just the one.

That's kind of interesting to have a stepdad later in life. Yeah, I guess so. You took your first step. Is your mom super hot? My mom's pretty hot. She's young, too, so young-ish. Oh, damn. It's almost like you're into her.

She had me when she was... From North Carolina, man. Probably get away with that. Hell, yeah. I'm putting her back out there, man. She'd probably get away with that. Hell yeah. I'm putting her back out there, man. She's not dating anybody right now. Wait, how old is she? She's 16 years older than me.

She had me when she was 16. Wow, that would be pretty crazy. She's 45. It's a little too old. I know we just met, but are you a rape baby? What's that? Are you a rape baby, you think? No.

I'm just a sleepy, small-town-in-North Carolina baby. I wish I had a baby at 16. I'm jealous. She was the cool mom growing up the whole time. She's 16. The guy that was banging her was probably 16. Probably. Which means that your dad's just 16 years older than you.

Yeah, that's crazy. You guys could, like, date the same women. Yeah. You're pretty well-adjusted. We might have. Oh, thank you. Yeah, but he's doing stand-up. I know, but every time I meet someone with daddy issues, they use it as an excuse to be an asshole.

But he seems pretty nice. That's true. I don't know my dad. I'm going to rear-end your car. You don't seem like that kind of guy. Nah. Well, fuck yeah. Joe, we're going to move on. Try to keep it quick. Thank you fuck yeah. Joe, we're gonna move on because we have to keep it quick.

But thank you so much. Joe, come back soon. He's so likable. Yeah, very likable, very funny guy. He's Joe underscore bowling. He's got that name. Imagine all the fucking bowlers that went for that. Like, I'm just good old Joe bowling. You know me.

You know me. I just love bowling and I'm your average Joe, so that's what my Twitter handle is going to be. Oh, fuck! Who's this guy that's actually Joe Bowling? This is the part of the show, guys, where we have our two

awesome regulars come on. They've been doing a new minute each week since the inception of the show, so it's so much fun to watch them grow and do something different each week. the inception of the show, so it's so much fun to watch him grow and do something different each week. The person going first today, a college dropout from the University of Florida. She did her first spot

on Kill Tony, dropped out of college, has been doing a minute ever since, and she's celebrating one year, her stand-up comedy anniversary. Here she is, everybody. It's the one and only Kimberly Congdon. Let's play in the scene, so let's move on out today. Hey, guys.

I want to take you back a little bit, you know, back in the day, elementary school. Do you guys remember when you were out on the playground during winter? You and all your friends were bundled up. We were all out playing. And there was always that one kid that came running up with the jean shorts, like dead of winter, always wore the shorts. And he always smelled like a little bit like piss. You know that kid, right? And you'd argue with them. You're gonna be like, dude, you've got to be cold. And he'd be like, I'm not cold. And you could tell the kid was clearly cold. And you're like, dude, you're cold.

I'm not cold. But honestly, I think his mom was just an alcoholic. Was that the situation? Like, your mom just likes to drink a lot. I don't think she knows that it's winter out. But those moms were pretty cool when you got older, right? Because they're the ones that bought you alcohol and fucked your friends. That's, um,

okay. Feminists are ruining everything. Because, like, who doesn't like to get smacked on the... Well? Well, here's the thing. Is that you started off by making it you set it up like it was going to be the most relatable thing ever i'm going to take you guys back like when a dj says

let's go back one time right now they're about to play a hit from the 70s or the 80s or the 90s or whatever like when you take somebody back you went to school with a kid that wore jean shorts, smelled like piss in the cold. But that's your specific story. Like you're not taking us back to that guy. Didn't everyone have that one friend whose mom was clearly an alcoholic? Taking you back one time. It's 95.5 KLOS. A little smoke on the water.

Only on Kill Tony number 53. That's right. Give away at 8 o'clock. You must be 18 or... Yeah, I think we had somebody that had shorts on, you know, that always wore shorts when it was cold.

But I don't think he smelled like pee. Million dollar question. Here it is. It was like JNCO shorts and he like... Was he fat, a little bit chubby? No, he was always extra skinny and malnourished. It was like JNCO shorts and he like. Was he fat? A little bit chubby? No, he was always extra skinny and malnourished. It was like the same kid everywhere.

What kind of neighborhood did you grow up in? His mom was probably an alcoholic. Like it's probably just true. I know. That's what it seemed like sort of the whole time. Maybe the premise is the mother more, you know, the neglected kid opposed to revealing that he has a bad mom. You start with that.

Like the kid who had the bad mom. Talking about how when you have, like what you said at the end. When you have a bad mom, they're cool when you're older, but not so cool when you're young and you're wearing short. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, I like that when you're a teenager, then you want to like hang out with that kid's mom.

Yeah, she was a cool mom in high school. He's all trying to trade lunch stuff because his lunch sucks because his mom's a bad mom. Yeah. He always had the terrible lunch, just two pieces of bread. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. He's trying to trade you. Come on pieces of bread. Is that true? Come on.

This piss-covered, jean-short-wearing kid would open up a brown bag and pull out only two pieces of bread. There's definitely that kid in every school. How do you know that? Have you researched it? I feel like I saw at least 20 in my school.

There's always shitty poor kids. Where did you go up? Florida. Bling bling bling bling bling bling bling bling. And we have another winner. That's what I'm trying to say. Guys, I'm going to take you back. Haven't you ever been there hanging out at school

and all of a sudden a sinkhole opens up and the devil crawls out and is like, I hate your state and everything about it. Come on, guys. Right? Yeah, just open up with, I grew up in Florida. And the trash I've seen. That's exactly it. I knew a girl that did porn with her mom.

They all want her number. Wow. But yeah, talk about growing up in Florida and trashy kids trying to get in on your fucking shit and you didn't grow up like trash oh yeah that's true

yeah that's totally the setup and it's only four seconds so it's pretty easy I grew up in Florida oh the trash I've seen yeah and then you're in

like this one kid that wore jean shorts and then it's like more we're finding out about something instead of like wait I didn't go to school with some kid

with jean shorts that smelled like piss. His lunch is a Lunchables filled with stuff that doesn't belong in a Lunchables. It's just a plastic bag. Yeah.

Right. With like weird stuff and just like a pinto bean. Yeah. Just a couplet of mayonnaise for no reason. Yeah, all the free stuff

you get at AM, PM is what his Lunchables made up of. Benji, we call it Ampum. Yeah, we call AMPM Ampum. That's a local joke, guys. Oh, a little inside joke from Esther, squeezing it in there.

Kim, thank you so much. Thank you. That's Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. Working it out. One year. What a cutie pie. She looks Israeli to me sometimes. Yeah, what are you, Kim?

I'm Puerto Rican and Irish. When she doesn't smile, she looks Israeli, right? She has a Middle Eastern slouch face and a Latina smile. I'm a happy Latina girl. Get out of my way. Our other regular is super goofy, the movie. Our other regular is super goofy, always just taking a little something and turning it into a lot more

than what it is. Who knows what the topic's going to be this week. Maybe it's another food. Maybe it's something that you see once in a while when you're doing something. It's always goofy. It's always fun. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. When I was little, my best friend's mom used to make a lot of stuff in a crock pot.

Crock pots are so shady. There's nothing shadier than a crock pot. How lazy do you have to be to just use a slow cooker? Empty out your pantry. What am I going to make tonight? I don't know. Got some kidney beans. Let's throw that in there.

Got some maple syrup. Let's throw that in there. Got some old frozen carrots. Let's throw that in there. Walk in. What are you making? I don't know. If it's thin, it's a soup. If it's thick, it's a stew. Who knows? Husband comes home.

What have you been doing? Slaving away all day. Over the stove. Over my crock pot. Really? She's just watching old episodes of Dr. Oz. All right. There's real gold in there.

And I can almost clearly see. It's a fun one for me because I can almost clearly see exactly where the surgery needs to take place. You don't need to mention the exact ingredients. You just say, you throw things in the thing, the way that you say it and the way that you set it up. And, um, you, uh, you say the soup and stew part, but we just don't need the ingredients. Again, it's almost like the theme of the night is anytime information's given, it should have most of the time a reason why, you know, now I'm looking for what's beans and carrots mixed with, but it's too much math, and you don't need the math

because what's funny about it isn't about the math. It's not about what you're making. But the soup and the stew part will stick no matter what, like if I take it off early or if it's whatever, however you said that part's great. And then the funniest part, which you'll be into it in 15 seconds now is the I've been slaving away over the crock pot

you said I've been slaving away over the stove the crock pot like you said that first which it's like then what you're making side dishes on the stove and that's not part of the joke either just keep it on the crock pot it's like slaving away at this crock pot you know I mean slaving away at this crock pot.

You know, I mean, it's horrendous. Oh, man, I watched six episodes of House and, you know, whatever. Like, you just fill it in with how not hard it is to put something on a slow cooker. Right. Like, it's a slow cooker. Yeah. You know, pretty much like the person that's using the slow cooker because there's not much going on. What's the hardest part?

Putting on the lid? Just stirring it. I don't even know if that's part of a slow cooker thing. I don't even know if you're supposed to stir it. Oh, you do? Every hour. What's that point mean, Kim? Is it funny that I don't know that you're supposed to stir?

I was laughing at Brian. He's like, yeah, you definitely have to stir it. Oh, okay. What are you, the crock pot? I grew up with all women. I know all this shit. Remember the pot that's on the oven that used to have that robot thing

that would come up and start whistling? No. I think that was a nightmare you had. I loved how you said the reason why you know the croc is because you've grown up around all women. That's so sexist. Of course I know how to sweep the floor.

I grew up around all women. I know how to take a punch, guys. That's all I'm saying. I think what everybody really wants to know is, Sarah, were you baptized in a church or a pond? Sarah, thank you so much. That's our time. That's a great new.

That's right in her alley. That's a whole new thing. And end it with the Dr. Oz, old episodes of Dr. Oz, because it's like medical advice that doesn't even make sense anymore. That's hilarious. It's like metabolism. It does feel like that's what you would watch while watching, while making, yeah.

Like, don't eat cat, no, that's too new. It's like weird, like, supplements that, like, people don't know about. Yeah, like, I bet, like, half the people that watch Dr. Oz have something in the crock pot when they're watching it. Hannah Nicole Smith is here with her brand new, completely safe trim spa diet pill that doesn't kill anybody. Sarah, thank you so much.

She's Princess Shank on Twitter. That's the end of the episode. What do you guys have coming up? Benji Aflalo is on Twitter. One of the smartest writers in anywhere. This is truly, he's a monster people. This is one of those people

that is totally going to make something, and you're going to say, hey, I think I saw him on some panel show where they just kept talking about baptizing over and over again. So I'm so glad to have you on. You're so funny. Thanks, Tony. That's really nice. I just wrote on the Guy's Choice Awards, so I guess watch that.

Yeah. Did that come, that already came out? No, it's going to be in like a week or so. Oh, okay, cool. Oh, June 4th, I'll be in Braille with Chris Catan. Oh, there you go. Fuck yeah. I'm going to be on this season of Key & Keel.

What? Did you fuck any of them? I definitely didn't. That's crazy. Did you block out? I didn't block out. I didn't have sex with them. They're very funny. Alright. Little Esther on Twitter I didn't lock out. I didn't have sex with them. They're very fun. They're very fun.

All right. Little Esther on Twitter, always fun. It was so good to get to work with you again. It's like the first time we've done something productive in about five years, so it's exciting. Thanks for having me. Guys, check out my tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. There's a lot of them coming up.

Kevin Lee Light, Jesus Christ in the House on Twitter at Kevin Lee Light. Thank you so much, live audience. You guys are the best. Listeners, thank you. Comic-Con. Comic-Con 2014. See you. See you. All my ladies, if you feel it, gonna do it, do it with your hair

Don't matter if it's long, short, do it, do it with your hair All my ladies, if you feel it, gonna do it, do it with your hair Don't matter if it's long, short, do it, do it with your hair Your hair with your hair Your hair Your hair I wear my hair I wear my hair I wear my hair