KILL TONY - KILL TONY #54

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

Jimmy Shubert, Chris Porter, Eleanor J. Kerrigan, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Josh/Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 06/09/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Every Monday, Comedy Store, 8 p.m. in Hollywood, California. You can see Kill Tony live. It's a free show. If you're a comedian, get there early and sign up to be on it. It's all free. Comedy Store, 8 p.m. Mondays. But, if you want to go see us on the road, we're coming. And you can always go to DeathSquad.TV To see all the live shows Comic Con 2014

We're bringing Kill Tony To San Diego At the American Comedy Co Go to DeathSquad.TV For all the ticket links It's July 23rd We're having a Kill Tony

Followed right after By a Thunder Pussy Two different shows American Comedy Co Comic Con 2014 The following day July 24th We're having a huge Thunder Pussy, two different shows, American Comedy Co., Comic-Con 2014. The following day, July 24th, we're having a huge comedy show. In the past, there's been people like Jim Norton, Joe Rogan, Doug Benson. It's always fun.

So go to DeathSquad.tv for all your links or go to AmericanComedyCo.com. Also, me and Sam Tripley are coming to Florida. Death Squad's first time down there. AmericanComedyCo.com. Also, me and Sam Tripley are coming to Florida. Death Squad's first time down there. Me and Sam Tripley are coming to Tampa, Florida on August 8th. August 9th we'll be in Jacksonville, Florida. And August 10th we'll be in Orlando. Go to DeathSquad.tv for all the ticket links.

And don't forget, the Kitty Kat t-shirt is still available at ShopSquad.tv dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is redman coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill tony volume two give it up for Tony Henscliff! Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Welcome everybody, how you guys doing tonight? That little remix you heard there at the end, that surprise remix that I didn't know was coming was because yesterday was my 30th birthday, everybody. That's right. Look out. 30 years old, but I can still play 17. So if there's any casting agents in the room, I'm still a gun for hire. So feel free to put me in anything you want.

How you guys doing? Welcome Comedy Store, everybody. You guys made it. You're at the world famous right now. You are in the attic of the number one comedy club in the world, guys. So I'm glad to have you here. This is very exciting. We're going to have a fun time tonight. First off, I'd like to just give a quick shout out to our sponsors, McDonald's.

You guys are the best. This is the time of the year where, guess what? It's Monopoly time. That's right. You can peel here and play now. Actually, it's not Monopoly time. It's the new mobile soccer app from McDonald's. Try our

mobile soccer app at gol.mcd.com. That's right. There's some cool soccer art. The World Cupcd.com. That's right. There's some cool soccer art. The World Cup is happening. Quarter Pounder burgers are now just $2.99 at McDonald's. I'm loving it. I like how they've teamed up with SeaWorld.

Like, hey, you know, we don't care about all the bad stuff. We're going to team up with SeaWorld. You can get the new Blackfish Filet only at McDonald's. I'm loving it. You have to say the I'm loving it or we don't get paid, believe it or not. I'm loving it, I'm loving it. I'm loving it so much. Winning refreshment, don't forget,

new summer lemonade, only 99 cents. I'm loving it. Every drink's 99 cents there, I thought. I think so. It's like you get small, medium, large, whatever. It's just 99 cents. Everything's 99 cents. I see the lines at McDonald's at the airport this weekend. I

just got back from Indianapolis, everybody. That was a lot of fun. Thank you to the crowds in Indianapolis that came out if you're listening to this. I had a blast there. Had to kick some guys out. Happened again. These fuck-ups. Some audience members just don't get it. Guy was making fart noises in the first five minutes of my set over and over again.

He just kept making fart noises. And the crazy thing was, is I was fucking killing. Like, right from the gate, I just came out, make him fun of this person, make him fun of that person. But, you know, you have to, when you're doing stand-up and you're doing a 45 minute hour long set you got to slow it down sometimes you got to let them breathe i mean you can't just try to fucking destroy non-stop or else everybody's out of energy after 20 minutes anyway but so every time i would take a little pause i would just hear this fucking fart noise from the corner of the room and these idiots they don't know that i have better vision than almost anybody i've ever heard of so like they're in the far corner and they're making fart noises and they

don't think i can see them i go whoever's over there making fart noises stop and i'm looking right at the person then he does it again i go hey guy in the red shirt yellow lettering stop making fart noises or else i'm gonna kick you out he goes i'd like to see you try and then i go all right well then you're gone. And he didn't know, but I watched the security guy slowly walking over. So when I go, all right, you're gone. He goes, all right. And then the security guy's like, dude, you got to go.

He came right over his shoulder. He's like, oh, shit. And then he stood up and he goes, fuck you, faggot. And I go, wow, you know, I never would have guessed that you're that ignorant after making fart noises for the first five minutes of my set. Wow. So that was fun. Oh, and the best part of that was they walked out on their tab, right? But guess what?

They forgot their iPhone there, everybody. So ha-ha, I win. They had to come back the next day, pay their $35 tab, and collect their iPhone that had a cracked screen. Oh, no. Which was really bizarre. I don't know how that happened. No, I'm kidding. No, the screen was already cracked.

I wouldn't do that. But you did put it in your ass, I hope. I would have done that. I would have wiped that out. You would have put it in your ass? Oh, fuck yeah. Put the head of it in there. I don't give a shit.

It's an iPhone. It doesn't have balls. Have you ever put anything in your butt before? Just my finger in the shower. Just to make sure everything was okay. Really? You give yourself a rectal exam? It's a little soapy. Who knows? How would you know if anything's not okay?

What do you think would be there? Hot wheels or something? I'm thinking it would be a really hard what the fuck is this thing? Right, like a polyp. Right, a polyp. A polyp. But it was a fun weekend. Right, a polyp. Polyp. Polyp-a-dool.

But it was a fun weekend. You do anything crazy this weekend? Yeah. I played Charlie Chaplin's house. There's a bar down the street that Charlie Chaplin used to live in, and so Janis Joplin and all that. It was awful. It was one of the worst shows I've ever done in my life.

The sound system didn't work really well. That's because Charlie Chaplin was a silent movie. I know. He's not used to the microphone. But then there was a rave downstairs. One of the comedians just couldn't take it. No one was really paying attention or whatever. He wasn't engaging enough or whatever.

He just got mad and freaked out and ran out the front door. I've never seen that before. I've never seen that ever in my life. I mean you just take your bombing like a man. I know. You don't run away in the middle of your set.

Just recognize it at least you know or something or just say alright that's it. You guys aren't listening. My name is so and so. Thanks a lot. Get off.

But don't just be like ahhh and just like run. That's so just be like, and just run. That's so fucking weird. That's so awesome. Jimmy Schubert wants to know if he can do two minutes and 30 seconds on the show tonight. He's getting ready for a taping on Wednesday.

And then the set is 2.30. Please invite me and then you guys can critique me. The great Jimmy Schubert is one of the best comedians in the world. It's very funny that he's, first of all, asking, and second of all, saying that we can critique him afterwards, so that's an exciting little bonus. I'll tell him a little yes-y-poos.

I'm just going to type yes real quick, guys. So you didn't say, did anyone watch the shooter that was out today? No one? Wow. Man, that was a lot of boring. What happened? There was a huge police chase, and then this guy got out of his car around North Hollywood

and just pulls out this huge, like, shotgun, a rifle, automatic rifle, and he just starts walking down the street with his rifle. Then he jumps on top of a house, and he's just sitting there with his, like, rifle on the house. And up to that point, it was like, fuck, yeah, this is craziness. And then he goes inside the house and takes a napper or something and doesn't do anything for

like four hours. Wow. Yeah. And they closed up all of North Hollywood. They had the SWAT team there. They were getting people out of schools, running out of schools into parks. I mean, this guy caused so much shit. Yeah. And they just threw a couple of

smoke bombs in there and came out. One more reason to not go to North Hollywood, guys, is if you needed another reason. Well, I'm very excited to be here. We're going to have another very fun episode, guys. I'm so happy that this audience is here. This is very exciting. So let's get the party started. As always, we have a head of security here tonight.

So let's get the party started. As always, we have a head of security here tonight, yet another version of the Iron Man to keep us safe. And this is a guy who's done it quite a few times. You might know him as a Comedy Store employee, the producer of this podcast, and a multiple-time Iron Patriot. It's the Iron Josh, everybody.

Here he is. Oh, he didn't have anybody to help him close the back of the outfit because he's the one that normally does that for people. I got no help. I also have a shoe laced untied, and I can't tie it. And you put the knee pads on over the outfit. Yeah, you've got the knee pads backwards. You know, I trip a lot, and I don't want it. And you put the knee pads on over the outfit. Yeah, you've got the knee pads backwards. You know, I trip a lot and I don't want to bust my knee.

Hell yeah. It's very expensive to repair. A knee? Yeah. Yeah, because the knee pads wouldn't work underneath that little cloth clothing if you put it underneath. Right.

Anyway, I think you're more likely to trip with the knee pads on the outside, but that's okay. At least my knees are protected. You made a judgment call, you know. You forgot your vest. Yeah, you're not wearing the vest with the light either. With the light on it.

I feel like with more lighting, people are less likely to fuck me. Because they can see what I look like, so. You know, I'm just trying to fuck. Alright, we have a very horny head of security tonight. because they can see what I look like. So, you know, I'm just trying to talk. All right. We have a very horny head of security tonight. If anybody wants to bone him, enjoy yourself. If any women in the audience have a fetish for 12-year-old boys, Josh is right up your alley.

Speaking of 12-year-olds, Happy Meals are available at McDonald's this week. Did you know that McDonald's is the number one producer of toys because of the Happy Meal? Really? Yeah, the number one toy producer in the world because they have to fill all those Happy Meals up with toys. Wow. A little fun fact. So you learned something here tonight.

You know the Iron Patriots role in this is getting kind of – I just don't like it anymore. We need to replace it with Sexy Patriots or something. It's just a piece of... I just don't like it anymore. We need to replace it with sexy patriots or something. It's just a piece of shit over there. There's one guy jerking off in the back of the room that agrees with you about the sexy patriot. I can go pantless if you need me to. Nah.

I can't even imagine what your bush down there looks like if your hair looks like that. Yeah, but I mean, what if we had like a like, you know, a competition who could be the sexiest patriot or something, and then every week have like a sexy patriot? How about you just

watch porn before you come to the show and then your balls won't be throbbing full when you get here to the point to where you want sexy patriot. I think Josh is perfectly sexy enough for this show. Right, Josh?

I guess. He's got so much confidence, this guy. No confidence. All swag, though. Swag? Yeah, swag. Very good. Alright. Josh Martin, obviously his secret weapon is killing momentum of the show

he's a killer so this is going to be really fun Josh are you ready? yeah let's get this shit started if anybody attacks somebody on the stage at any given point what are you going to do to keep us safe?

you know I'm going gonna first try to step on the stage without tripping and then um hope to god they're not bed bugs because i that's the one thing i can't kill you do have a bed bug infestation right now in real life not not the man we're talking about the man behind the suit right now not not the superhero iron patriot does not have bed bugs but the actual josh martin right now, which I think is so funny. I used to think that was just that nighttime thing, like don't let the bed bugs bite. But I didn't realize until a few years ago they were a real thing. And now you have an infestation.

I moved into an infestation. He moved into a place that had an empty bedroom and two roommates. He moved into a place that had an empty bedroom and two roommates. And he moved in, gave a deposit in the first month's rent, slept there one night, and all of his shit was covered with bed bugs. Can you guys imagine that? Whose bed is it, though? It was my mattress I moved in. Wait, where did you originally buy this mattress?

Like a year ago. It was a brand new mattress. But the box spring was infested or something. All of them became infested after one night oh my god so the mattress is ruined no I don't know so yes would be the answer but fuck yeah

if anybody wants you could throw a dollar at Josh after the show too we'll have a little fundraiser for your bed bug infestation. Just in case you have scabies, you better get a shot. Believe me.

Thank you, Mr. Gobblesworth from Willy Wonka. The master of the everlasting gobstopper. This is a good tip, man. There's a lot. I mean, if you really do have bed bugs, you do not want to be sleeping on that shit you'd want to go back

I only slept up one night and I already got most of my shit clean are you back to your your car with the piss on it I'm back to the Pontiac vibe

it's amazing because you were struggling comic for so long and you were sleeping in your car for a while and now that you you've had more trouble

living at places than you did when you were in your car who would have thought oh Jesus and now that you've had more trouble living at places than you did when you were in your car. Who would have thought? Oh, Jesus. Can anybody tell where the Armenian is sitting tonight? Jesus, settle down.

Fucking, all right. Let's get this party started, guys. As always, I always have two of my funniest friends come on and be guests on the show, and this week's no different. Put your hands together for them, everybody. It's an amazing show. It's Chris Porter and Eleanor Kerrigan, everybody. Wow.

Chris was on a couple months ago. This is Eleanor's first time. She opens for Dice on the Road. She's an amazing comic. Former Comedy Store employee. Been in the game for a while. One of the first comics to believe in me. She went up to the talent coordinator after I was here just a few weeks or a couple months.

And she said, this guy's going to be something. And you were right, Eleanor. Really? I thought she said, I'm pretty sure that dude's gay. Yeah. That too. I sucked at smoking. He agreed with that.

You know, Tommy thought I was gay for a long time. We all did. He used to tell my friends. He used to say, well, I'm not going to pass Tony until he admits that he's gay. That's what he used to say. So did you admit it? No, what I did was, this is interesting, is I just created a joke about how everybody thinks I'm gay because if you're skinny and you have good bone structure,

you come across as gay. And that joke ended up getting me passed. There you go. So there you go. Just got to acknowledge. You got to acknowledge what people think. You should have just sent them a video of you banging some hooker. Right.

Yeah. Wow, you're not going to fool me. You have a prostitute I meant a euphemistic hooker it would have been even funnier if I sent him just a girl with bad parents or I should have sent him a video of me butt fucking a male prostitute

going I hate this this is awful are you happy Tommy this is the worst. Is this what you wanted, Tommy? All this for $15. Yeah. All this to get my name on the wall.

There you go. And maybe that's how I could have finished. I could have written out Tony Hinchcliffe on the guy's back in cursive. Like, this is what my name better look like, Tommy. That's a lot of spooge. Hell yeah, it is. Hinchcliffe is 11 letters. You've got That's a lot of spooge. Hell yeah, it is. Hinchcliffe is 11 letters. You gotta cross a bunch of letters.

That's control. I'm so glad you guys are here. Chris, we had a lot of fun with you last time you were on this show. Thanks for coming back. Eleanor, this is your first time. Breaking my cherry. Hell yeah. This is fun.

Do you have any fun stories about a time in the belly room? Whoa. Not, this is, people can hear me? Yeah. I can't say. It's not love line.

No. I can't, yeah, a lot of fun stories. I waited tables up here a long time. Yeah. Yes, I did. Very exciting.

But no, I can't really, I had sex in the bathroom once. Yeah. That was right before we came out here. I couldn't resist his flare jeans. They really... The orange hat is for safety. Bell bottoms just make me wet.

You and two chicks at an Allman Brothers concert. Josh, do you have any questions for our guests tonight? Oh boy, huh? Oh man. I guess, will you fuck me, Eleanor? And also, Chris, I don't know. Will you wear that outfit? Will you wear that outfit?

Yeah. Maybe. Does it have a little pouch that opens up that your little pecker can come out? No, you'll just have to dry hump the shit out of him. You have to fuck me in the ass. What? I got you. Just so the audience knows, there was a brief discussion backstage.

We were talking with a young lady, and she was complaining about how a dude asked her over to see a movie. When obviously he wanted to just fuck. And she was like, well, why don't you just ask me if I want to come over and fuck? And Josh and I were like, we can do that? Like, if we thought that would work, we would have done that. Well, we both responded that, yes, you can do that. But I think that's... No, certain girls get nervous.

I think if I called you just out of the blue and was like, hey, you want to come over and fuck? I'd be like, no, I'm good. Okay. Quick. But if I wanted to, I'd be like, yes, wear that fucking creepy suit. Now about the movie and fucking thing,

what do you think is the best kind of movie to watch with a girl if your sole intention is to get in her pants? A terrible one. Do you go emotional movie, like a chick flick to maybe get her those pheromones, female pheromones going or whatever it is, that estrogen in their system? Yeah, a rom-com. Or do you go for like an action movie so that she's like, this sucks. American History X. Snuff films, this sucks? American History X. Snuff films don't work, I found out.

Snuff films don't work. Don't work. They're like, is this what you want to do? I was like, well, not all of it. Not the whole thing. Not just the first ten minutes. I like that. I'm so glad you guys are here.

Really? Let's get this party train moving along. Yes. Over 20 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do one minute on this stage and then chat with us about what they talked about and who they are afterwards. So, comedians, you know that your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aw, how cute. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the sound of a kitty. Aw, how cute. That means wrap it up then

or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. That's it? Wow. All right. A lot of people on the internet are getting pissed off at me for the West Hollywood bear thing.

Aw, so now he just does a little chippy chop. I'm trying to work out and the bear's so loud and it blew my speakers and That bear has gotten a little bit crazy. See that people? It's a different kind of bear.

That's why you don't want to run the light. This is show business. You get off when you hear that kitty. So you guys ready? I believe this is Josh 53? You get off when you hear that kitty. So, you guys ready? I believe this is Josh 53? 54? I think 54. Ladies and gentlemen,

this is episode 54 of Kill Tony. Are you ready? Very mellow crowd. Lots of golf clapping going on. Very light clap. All right. Okay, let's... Okay, this person didn't even write down a name. They just wrote down their Twitter handle.

Put your hands together for Reminiscence1. Oh, man. Sweet cherry pie. Oh, yeah. She's my cherry pie. My first... Put the clock back. Put the clock back put the clock back josh martin oh boy he has no hands are you serious you're in my pants hello please yeah all right

put your hands together for him everybody let's give another shot well like i said this is my first time here. I'm really excited and really happy. I have a strange, weird, I don't know what it was, but I guess, like, when I was growing up, like, you see, I hung out with a lot of players. And the thing was, it's like you could spot me in, like, a whole crowd and say, he doesn't belong quite there, you know. It's just the strangest phenomenon because I remember like just growing up and I used to study the type of charisma they had.

It's like they had this distinct charisma. And I never had that type of energy. See, they had a sexual charisma. Me, I had more of a Disney Channel charisma, you know. Like they walked around with an R. Kelly charisma. I had what is known as an iCarly charisma. You know, it's a very, very different charisma, you know? Like, they walked around with an R. Kelly charisma. I had what is known as an iCarly charisma. You know, it's a very, very different thing, you know? Like, whenever a girl called me cute,

I'm pretty sure she wanted to pet me, you know? It's a terrible thing, you know? And then I always wanted, like, the drive, Ryan Gosling charisma, and it ended up with a Macaulay Culkin Home Alone charisma. It's just sad, you know? And I just remember like this. There you go.

Bear got angry. Reminisce one. Talk into the mic. We're going to ask you some questions. We're going to figure some stuff out. Now, you didn't write down your name. Is there a reason for that? Oh, I did.

I don't know why. What's your name? Sean K. Sean Kidd? KKK. Sean K? Not I did. I don't know why. What's your name? Sean K. Sean Kidd? KKK. Sean K? Not KKK. I wouldn't say that.

Yeah, be very careful. That red hair. He wrote his name on the opposite side of the sheet. Oh. That was that one Sean K. Okay. I guess it's somewhere. Anyway.

Sean K., welcome. Thank you so much. I love your hair. Appreciate it. Now, I don't know what you were talking about exactly in the beginning, but then you were talking about charisma, like how you come across. Was that to chicks? Oh, yeah. It's like

when I was growing up, like, I was always like that cutesy, you know. Right. Yeah. You still are. You still seem very young and likable. How old are you? I'm only, I'm 21. Yeah. Ooh, delicious. You still seem very young and likable. How old are you? I'm 21. Yeah. Ooh, delicious.

Awesome. Fuck yeah. Heck yeah. I'm sorry. Cradle robbing over here. Hell yeah. First and foremost. Baby ginger.

Yeah. It's kind of a pet peeve of mine. If you're going to take the mic out of the mic stand, get the mic stand out of the way. Yeah, you're going to want to move that. It's really hard to look at you when there's a mic stand right in the middle of you. So just, you know, grab it, move it. First thing. Did you know?

Oh, go ahead. You're right. I'm sorry. And then, like, the first 30 seconds was like 19 setups. You know what I'm saying? Like, it took a while for you to get to a punch line and you know you said players and i for fucking another eight seconds i thought you were just talking about people that play sports and so like maybe just go a lot of my friends are good with

girls i'm not because you know it's you're not just going to be telling jokes to people who use player as a euphemism. You might be telling it to some old man who has no idea that player, what that means. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Eleanor? Sorry.

No, that's exactly what I was going to say. I was going to say, did you know you were only doing one minute? Because it was a long set up. Like, if you had a five minute set, did you know you were only doing one minute? Because it was a long setup. Like if you had a five-minute set, maybe you could set that up long. That was a real long setup. I was nervous for you. The whole thing with the microphone, I guess, threw me off. And then I was really nervous. Oh, all of a sudden, you were a player.

No, no, no, not at all. I was really nervous as it was. Of course. Yeah, it's nerves. I get it. But he's right. When you were saying player, and I sleep with all the players, I didn't realize.

I was thinking baseball, too. I was thinking sports, too. I don't know why. I thought you were going to get into sports like you weren't a good athlete. Not just because you're redheaded. It could be that. But yeah, you are adorable, and you should play on that. You look like a player for sure.

Solitaire player. Lonely. Lonely. Lonely, guys. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it roughly a year, a year and a half. That's cool. All in L.A.? Where are you from?

Well, I grew up in Florida and then I moved to New York when I was 19. What part of Florida? Just Broward County, South Florida. South Florida. The worst place on the country. Yeah. He's right. It is the worst.

And, but that, yeah, so, like, all your, your persona is genuine. Yeah. It was my concern. But once you tell me your background, I'm like, no, that's, that's a genuine persona. So, yeah, I mean, you've got a good character. I just, when you have a minute, I know it's tough, but I mean, that's part of the thing is to, like, prepare for what you're doing.

So next time you come up here for a minute, have a minute ready, not just part of a three-minute thing ready. And even if it was a three- or a five-minute set, I'd still trim a lot of that stuff from the front. There's still over setups, and you want to get it banging quick and get them interested. Like, oh shit, this fucking guy is. Yeah, I would, I would re-listen to your set when it goes up.

And cause like the first 40 minutes really seemed like it made no sense at all. Like I had no, like, like Chris, I had no idea what you were talking about. It was just a little bit too wordy. Yeah. I mean, you're, you sound like you smoked a lot of weed and you're talking about your feelings or something like that. I have no idea what you were talking about. It was just a little bit too wordy. Yeah, I mean, it sounded like you smoked a lot of weed and you were talking about your feelings or something like that. I had no idea. Do you smoke weed or does your hair just smoke weed?

It's mostly him. I'm sorry about the cherry pie song. I had no idea. Wow, that is amazing. Speaking of cherry pie, McDonald's, I'm loving it. Now, my final question would be, do you talk about your hair at all? Because it's very standout-ish.

I guess like I always say, I let it speak for itself. I know that's a cliche thing, but there's nothing really that's out there. It's alive. It just speaks for itself. This guy's adorable. I have to feed him. It's alive. It just speaks for itself. This guy's adorable. I'm defeated. If they ever needed somebody for a movie, if they made Elmo the movie,

the human movie, this is Elmo. Look at him! All of a sudden, he's coming to life. He looks like I would buy cocaine from him in 1985. Well, he is from South Florida, so I'm sure he sells cocaine at some point. Is it tough for a he is from South Florida, so I'm sure he sells cocaine at some point.

Is it tough for a ginger coming from South Florida to LA? Like the sun is just following you everywhere. How'd you survive? I guess I just... Yeah. Alright. Alright. Very good. Prophetic. Awesome, man. That was great.

Well, Sean, it was nice meeting you. Hopefully you come back soon. Sean KKK. Sean K, everybody. Thank you so much, Tony. Appreciate it. Oh, yeah, you got it. Fuck yeah, like a little baby Danny Bonaduce right there.

Hell yeah. I love that. Fuck yeah. Eleanor, I always ask first-timers, I mean, yeah, I always ask first-time guests, did you ever have a joke when you first started out that you can't believe that you ever said on stage or like a story or anything? Did you ever do anything that you're a little bit embarrassed about

now looking back on it? Not embarrassed. You mean embarrassed like, how the fuck did I think that was funny? Right, exactly. Yeah, I still do pretty much all my jokes. No, not that I can think of specifically. No, I used to do a lot about my second ex-fiance.

Some of those were embarrassing. I was like, why am I saying that? People are going to know that happened to me. Your second ex-fiance? I have a lot of them. I'm not a closer. Leave me the fuck alone. Really. Your second ex-fiance? I have a lot of them. I'm not a closer. Leave me the fuck alone. Really?

You have ex-fiances? That's so funny. Yeah, I can't. My feet get cold, I guess. That's what it's called. Hell yeah, that's right. I'm not taking the plunge. I'm just taking their money until I've had enough and then I leave.

Right. You're not in it for the wedding. You're just in it for the... No. I don't look good in white. You just like jewelry for like six months? Yeah. I'm not even big on jewelry.

I don't like that. I like cash. Out and out cash. Fuck it. And you like tough guys, too. So when they get down on one knee, you're like, get the fuck up, bitch. Oh, if anybody ever got on one knee, no, they wouldn't be with me. I don't like that. Then how'd the other guys propose you just

fucking throw a ring at you from the other side of the room hey bitch you want to do this or what if you catch this bitch you're mine amazing player i'm diving like jerry rice i don't give a shit take it man chris i remember asking you this question before, and I remember it being really funny. What was it like? You used to take your shirt off and do what? Yeah, I took my shirt off, and I'd get up on a stool like that and suck in my gut and do my impression of a greyhound.

Oh, my God. That's when you realize why strippers do drugs. You've got to be in the right mood to just take your shirt off in front of a gang of strangers. Yeah. And so. A greyhound. I think, though, honestly, like for me, when I first started stand-up, I worked here as a waitress so long. I saw the best of the best, the worst of the worst.

That greyhound shit, like all that. the worst of the worst so that greyhound shit like all that i've seen so many horrific acts that it's like you never do that on stage you know what i mean like i learned i went to the best college in the world exactly right here at the world famous yeah i think i i did i kind of skipped through a lot right i skipped a lot of grades because i slept my way to the middle slowly going to the bottom to see what happens. I love it. How about you, Josh? When you first started two years ago, is there anything that you...

How about this outfit? Does that count? Okay. I'm still doing those shitty jokes. Gotcha. But, Eleanor, if you want a quicker trip to the bottom, you can just sleep with me. I'm good.

I think there's a more better bottom. There's a better bottom. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian tonight goes by the name of Marcus Evans. of Marcus Evans. Played cherry pie for the redhead and hip hop for the black guy. I love it. I'm from Chicago

and the biggest difference between Chicago and L.A. is how rude the women are out here. I mean, they're hot, but rude. There were these girls in my building who let the elevator doors close right in front of me. Worst part is I went out with those girls last night. I spent There were these girls in my building who let the elevator doors close right in front of me. Worst part is, I went out with those girls last night. I spent money on these girls. They couldn't hold the elevator doors for me. My boys were like, ah, Marcus, they didn't see you.

I'm like, big black man waving like this, like, hold the elevator, hold the elevator. How do you not see and hear that? We made eye contact because the doors were closing. I guess things didn't go quite as well as I thought they would. Doing temporary office work is great if you need work right away, but you never know when these people are going to let you go. I was working on this one temp job, and they had let me go after a couple of hours because they said the project was done.

I'm like, the project is done? So what the project is done? I need a full day's worth of work. The hell am I going to do a couple of hours worth of work when I got rent to pay? You can't even go into Walmart with a couple of hours worth of pay. The worst part is it took two hours to get to the work. What the hell am I going to do a couple hours with the work when I got rent to pay? You can't even go into Walmart with a couple hours with the pay. The worst part is it took two hours to get to the job. I spend more time on the road than working. I hope they didn't give me my

gas money back. There you go. Thank you. That's some real stuff you're talking about there. Real stuff, dude. Temp job. Very fast.

Real fast. You talk very fast. And how you talk, you don't really enunciate your words enough because you skip over them so fast. There was a lot of times where I had to really try to listen to what you were talking about because it was like... Yeah, it was – I thought you took some Adderall or something. Yeah.

Yeah, and I know you only have a minute, but just do a minute. Don't try to fit 90 seconds into a minute and talk real fast because then we can't – man, I didn't hear most of the words. Right. It's so true. You could have the best jokes in the world, and if you're going abadie, abadie, abadie, abadie that fast like an auctioneer, nobody's going to get a chance to laugh. You know what I mean? We don't know when the punchlines are and what's coming. And also if you slow down, it will build that connection to where people will be waiting for whatever you're getting to. But just trying to figure out, when everybody's playing catch-up, you're not going to get a big pop.

And don't smile at every punchline. Yeah. Because it's a tell. Okay. Like, it's one thing if a joke doesn't work, but it's another thing if the joke didn't work and you obviously told the audience that that's where the last response is. Right.

You know what I'm saying? You don't want them to know. Yeah, you're like, oh, he struck out on that one. Right. You weren't even close. Now, if the joke genuinely makes you, don't hide laughter. Okay. Be genuine on stage, but don't be like, and then she said, ha-ha!

Just fucking tell the joke. But he seems like that's his demeanor. He's smiling. You have a sweet face. I'm not trying to sleep with you. I do fuck for pigment. You have a sweet... Are you genuinely like that? When you talk, do you even know

that you have dimples and stuff? Well, I've been told i have dimples okay i like it i'm not flirting with him chris don't look at me like that no i flirt with him all you want to okay shit i don't know i'll hold the elevator door i'm saying go for it eleanor he's paying i'll hold the door fulfill your urkel fetishish. Everybody has a fucking Urkel fetish. And I would finish that thought. You kind of just repeat the thought over and over again that I'm coming and they didn't. I know you saw me.

I know you saw me. Well, tell us what happened. What do you really think about them not holding that door? You just kind of skipped over it. I know it was only a minute, but still it was like, hold the door. And then it just ended. I was like, oh, okay. And who didn, hold the door. And then it just ended. I was like, oh, okay. And who didn't hold the door? Because I missed that part.

There was two girls I went out with the night prior. The night before. And then you were at work the next day. You were in your building? Yes. You went out with chicks in your building? I like that. That's the joke. That's dumb as fuck. More shy time. Nah, dude. You don't do that. You's the joke. That's dumb as fuck. Come on, shy town. Yeah. Nah, dude.

You don't do that. You know people in your building? I don't talk to anybody. Me either. I'm nice, but I don't let them fucking in. Yeah. And there's hot chicks that live in my building. They can be crazy.

I don't fucking know, but I'm not going to. Listen, this town sucks enough. You don't want to not be able to go home. Right. It's so true. The other day I walked out of my apartment. I was going to go for a jog, so I had headphones on and sunglasses and a ball cap, and I'm ready to go. And it's the first time I'm out of the day.

So you're just sort of like, you know, when the headphones betray beats. Trying to get the pops off you. Right, exactly. And you're just out of it. So I open my door. I close my door. And there's a guy standing right there, right? And I'm like, I was taken aback. You know, when you have headphones on, you're vulnerable.

And he's standing there and he's looking at me and he goes, hello. And he's got these credentials on. And he's like, I'm from the DEA. I could tell he's at my neighbor's place. Like model chick lives right next door to me. And he goes, hi, I'm from the DEA. place. Like model chick lives right next door to me. And he goes, hi, I'm from the DEA. I just have to ask

I don't know if you know Samantha, but I just have to ask her some questions. She's not in any trouble. Yeah, because the DEA is just taking a census. Right, exactly. I'd move. Samantha, you heard about drugs? Yeah, cool. That's all we needed to know

but what's crazy Samantha are you fucking a DEA agent? cause he was here do you know how I can find her? do you know anything about her? I go I don't even know I know nothing about her whatsoever and he's just looking at me like come on dude

and I'm like no no no really so then all of a sudden I feel like I felt I felt like I did something wrong because I'm telling him that I know nothing about her, almost like I'm trying to cover it up, but I don't ever talk to anybody. She's probably dead, dude. I'll talk to anybody. I'll talk to anybody anywhere,

but nobody in my apartment. Yeah, that's a kid that should have had dead people. Right, right. That's a different trip. No, it wasn't her. She's adorable. I'm sure it was like a boyfriend or something like that. But anyway. Who dates a DEA agent? Someone who's not fun.

Right. What a bore. No, I think the DEA agent was looking for her boyfriend is what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Yeah, drug dealers do date models. That happens to me a lot. But yeah, I don't talk to anybody in an apartment building. Like you said, Chris, that's definitely where you just want to go home.

I don't want to know their bad habits. I don't want to know their strange tics. I don't want them to know about all the nice shit I have. Right. And when I might be out of town. Yeah. Or this. Hey, dude, are you there?

Let's hang out, man. Yeah. Definitely don't want that. I get the guy that's like Hey man let's sit down and smoke a ball Okay Never That's what happens in your building

You hang out with them Oh okay That was when you lived in Chicago in a normal city So slow down Don't fuck chicks in your building But that's for everybody yes it's a PSA

and if you're going to tell a story about hanging out with chicks and them not doing the elevator you've got to expand on it you've got to explain why you think maybe they didn't want to stop the elevator maybe even after hanging out with

you, whatever. You know what I mean? There's just so many options that you have. Even exaggerate. You pull your dick out one time. Hey, I'm here. You know, something. That's dirty.

But if you don't want to be, he looks too sweet to be dirty. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. Oh, no, a year and a half. No, a year and a half. Awesome. I love that you repeated it a few times. I didn't know if he got into micing at all.

I didn't know if he got into micing at all. So that's how he talks. Yeah, that's him. Yeah. Well, fun times. What was the temp job at? What was that office job? This was, oh, boy, this is a long time ago.

You're talking about things that happened so long ago that you don't even remember the context of them So it's going to be hard to write Where do you work now? Right now I work at Lag Nation So rip up them What are you doing there? They do a lot of bad shit

Just accounting work It comes with a lot of benefits Backstage passes Mr. Gobble Stop just said good for you A black guy with a job. Good for you. You're one of the good ones. Good job.

You want to meet Barry Manilow, you're good. Live nations kill it. Yeah, live nation. That's fun. How long have you worked with them? About two months. Hell yeah. Well, keep those benefits, honey. And they'll start opening that elevator door for you. That's fun. How long have you worked with them? About two months. Hell yeah. Well, keep those benefits, honey.

And they'll start opening that elevator door for you. That's right. That's how you get them to do it. Thank you so much, Marcus Evans. Thank you. He's on Twitter at KMark18. That's right. And the redhead before him,

was it Stevie K? Sean. Sean K is Reminisce1 on Twitter. For those of you that don't know how to spell Reminisce1, Google it. Marcus Evans is Kmark18. Is that supposed to be a play on Kmart? Marcus? He jumped off the roof already, everybody. We lost another one.

Yeah, we lost another. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian is Jared Campbell. What's up, y'all? How y'all doing? Um, I look a lot older than I really am. Like, I'm 24 years old.

Yeah, that's what I say to people. Like, damn. Really? Damn. I'm used to it. I've been looking old than I really am. Like, I'm 24 years old. Yeah, that's what I say to people. Like, damn, really? Damn. And I know, I'm used to it. I've been looking old since I was young. Like, like, you know, my grandma's last words to me were, that baby look grown. And then she died.

Yeah. But I think it's my parents' fault. Like, they used to dress me with Polaroids and suit jackets at two years old. Now I'm afraid to post throwback Thursday pictures because I'm afraid somebody's going to meme it. Like, who's drunk-looking old baby is this? I remember a girl got mad at me.

I met a girl in the club. She got mad when she found my age. She was like, what the fuck you mean, 24? Uh-uh, this girl on a sexy night in here. You need to get your ass out of here. I got kids your age. You need to leave the club. And I'm like, nah, lady you mean 24? Uh-uh, this girl on a sexy night in here. You need to get your ass out of here. I got kids your age. You need to leave the club. And I'm like, nah, lady.

You got kids my age. Your old ass need to leave the club because your time has came and gone. Fuck yeah, 58 seconds. I didn't hear the cat. No, he didn't need it. He knew. I wanted him to keep going.

He gave the look over. Well, he was two seconds away from the cat. He's got I wanted him to keep going. He gave the look over. He's two seconds away from the cat. He's got an internal clock, this guy. I didn't want to get the beer. No one does. There's rumors that Tony does. What? You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch. Oh, boy. That was really good. I want to hear more about this man baby. You son of a bitch. Oh, boy. That was really good. That was great. I want to hear more about this man baby. Great stage presence again. Yeah, it's fun. There was a part where you even did a little giggle at yourself and stuff.

It's just perfect. You want that stage presence that you have. It was great. It's very likable. Yeah, my only note would be uh i think the first off pause after you say uh i've been looking older since i was younger because everyone laughed at that and i don't even think you knew it was funny until they laughed at it so yeah uh which happens uh and then the second the reveal on making it your age like i think you can make that a little more powerful.

Make the reveal a little more dramatic. You got the reaction that way and you just kind of mentioned it, so I think if you build it up and then tell people you're 24, it's going to be like, holy fuck.

That's a big surprise, because black usually don't crack, but yours did. No, because usually they look young. You know what I mean? White people are the ones that look old. I'm only 15. Shit, it's fucked up. You really do.

You have an older looking face. But it's not bad. I don't even... Yeah, you're great. Probably because it's Monday. There's a lot more you could do. You could really pepper some stuff in there. If you just think about like what you do

when you're younger, like maybe, you know, maybe you showed up to a little, your first day of Little League baseball and all the other kids are like, what's up coach? You know, or something like, you know. And I used to get married to my friends because they never ID'd me. Yeah, you're like that guy.

Yeah, that's true too. There was a guy that went to my high school. You're the beer run. He could buy beer at 14 and shit. Yeah. Well, that would have been awesome to know you. Yeah. Sadly, I was that person.

15 years ago. I was that person because I was tall. I used to go into the Chinese liquor store and just, yeah, they'd sell me anything just to get me out. But because I was tall, they never ID'd me ever. And I look like this. I just printed a license. I didn't do that. I didn't have to.

But I could buy the beer for my brothers. Yeah, we'd always send chicks to buy rated R tickets and stuff because. Nobody questioned it. No. But we could put makeup on and look stupid. You don't need makeup. All the kids that worked at the movie theaters had never seen a vagina anyway. So it was like, pretty girl,

you can have whatever you want. We took advantage of that. That's good. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years. Okay, yeah. That's good. You're beyond your years. Yes, you're beyond your years. You're beyond your years. Yes, you're beyond your years.

I would like to see you get in a line of credit really young, like that kind of thing, because you look older, like your parents forced you to go. He's old. He's grown. My mama had my credit worked up long before. Of course. I know how it works, fucker.

I know how it works. That's great. I'd like to see you in a longer set. Yeah, definitely. I would come it works, fucker. I know how it works. That's great. I'd like to see you in a longer set. Yeah, definitely. I would come see you at a show. Yeah. How about your siblings? Do they look older, too?

No, all my siblings look younger. Everybody's like, you're the little brother? You're the little brother? Yeah. And I'm like the youngest at eight, so everybody's always surprised. You're really the black sheep. That's fucked up. It's true.

I'm one of ten, so I feel your pain. I'm number eight. We have a lot in common right now except for our age. Fucker. That's awesome, man. Yeah. Congrats. That's a great bit. Great stage presence.

You're like the black Benjamin Button, so congratulations. Where are you from? I'm from Denver, Colorado. Oh, okay, cool. Also awesome. Also awesome. I have shit, too. All right, well.

Maybe it was the altitude. Anyway, Jared Campbell, everybody. There he goes. Very good. Follow him on Twitter at Jared Q-U-A-Y.. Q-U-A-Y. Jared Q-U-A-Y. What's that? Is that a different last name?

What's Quay mean? That's my middle name, Quay. Oh, Quay. Quay. Yeah. So if you didn't believe that he was black before, everybody, his middle name is Quay. Q-U-A-Y.

That's the black version of Dice Quay. Jared Quay. Real Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, God. It's great. Great stuff, man. Great stuff. So fun. I like that one.

Patriot, what did you think of Jared? He's a dude. I don't care. Oh, boy. God, oh boy what is the horniness with this fucking crew tonight what's going on everybody's just looking to bang maybe you should have an auction just to get him laid

or something what kind of auction would that be where people lose right starting at one dollar one dollar be where people lose? One dollar. Starting at one dollar, one dollar, one dollar. Sort of tournament where you would bid until

the last person that didn't bid had to fuck. Whoever did the worst thing in the room. No offense. Sorry. Sorry, Josh. Sorry. I didn't think you could hear me with the mask. I can hear you. I'm actually crying right now. I didn't think you could hear me with the mask. I can hear you.

I'm actually crying right now. I'm sorry. Well, don't do that. That mask is electric. It'll kill you. You know, I would rather die than listen to this mean comment. Aw. Dude, wait a minute. We're in a dark room, darker. We've got to get a violin for that soon. I know. Totally.

We're in a dark room darker. We've got to get a violin for that soon. I know, totally. Josh is like a reverse Jared Campbell because you're 29 and you look like you're 13 without the mask on, right? Yeah. You definitely sound like you're even younger than 13 because you can't pronounce your R's and your L's, can you?

Yes, I can. Are you Asian? No. All right. Just asking. I think you guys are going to be mentioning this note later. Yeah. I hope so.

I haven't had a write-up in a while. All right. Fuck yeah, everybody. Martin killed himself. Did he mention me? I was trying. Who we got? I'm excited.

This is exciting. This guy, I've seen him on here a few times. Very funny guy. Put your hands together for Joe Morisi, everybody. A Kill Tony favorite, we would say. Thanks, guys. Good to be here. Found a problem with my iPhone.

You can't adjust the snooze time on it. You know, you could set an alarm for any time of the day, but the snooze is just stuck at nine minutes. You know, nine minutes? Where do they get that? Just, we need ten, guys. Don't we need ten? That's our snooze is just stuck at nine minutes. You know, nine minutes? Where do they get that? We need ten, guys. Don't we need ten?

That's our snooze. Not nine. It goes off. I lay there for a minute. My instincts are going to go off in like two minutes. I can't go back to sleep. And then, you know, iPhone 5, nine minutes. iPhone 6 is going to be eight minutes.

iPhone 14 is going to be no snooze. The alarm is going to go off for about 30 seconds, and it's just going to be Steve Jobs yelling at you. Get up, you idiot! Come on! I died for this thing. I put my whole life into Apple. Come on!

Get up, you idiot! You got a computer you can put in your pocket. You're going to sleep on this? Fuck yeah. Funny stuff. You have such a funny delivery where you get passionate about your stuff a little bit in. Him and Wine Shank need to fuck. Yeah, no, it is. It's very Wineshank-y how no matter what you're talking about, 15 seconds in, I find myself giggling.

I was all bored up until the Steve Jobs show, the Apple show. Yeah, it gets a little thinky. Yeah, I don't know. It gets a little thinky around there, but I think the premise is absolute gold. I've always wondered. It's something that I've always sort of thought of, but never really. I always wonder, when is the snooze on this? You never really set

this. I don't know how to set the snooze. I don't know if you can change the snooze. I don't know how it works, but you've done your research. It's nine minutes. That's what they're doing, right? You see it go off, and it starts counting down, 859. I'm just going to start freaking out. It's bizarre. You've got a lot of anxiety.

Yeah. The only way to fix it is to have five alarms with one minute off in each one, and then it just gets ridiculous. Yeah. Why don't you fuckers just wake up? Yeah. Fucking is nine minutes going to kill you? Why do you have to be so hoity?

Why are you fucking so tired? Fucking nine minutes early. I think snoozing is one of those moments where you realize how much, how enjoyable sleep is. I think that's one of the things. I'm the kind of guy that would rather set my alarm ten minutes early and then snooze once and then get up and wake up the first time. Because when you first wake up, you're like, oh, I'm tired. God, I just wish I could go back to sleep so if I know I'm going to be like that I'd rather set it early

and get that dirty whore of a snooze in my life that 9 minute whore yeah that dirty fucking 9 minute slut I'm blessed with a curse where I wake up 5 minutes before any alarm

so I don't sleep through alarms, but I'm always waking up like, just tell me I have two hours. Just tell me, I'm going to look at this clock. Just tell me I got two hours. And I'll look, and it'll be like 3.57. I'm like, motherfucker. Snooze alarms always are the ones that fuck you, too,

where you wake up like three hours later like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's like, you hit me too hard bruh you hit me too hard switch me to PM like a douche I wonder like what is nine minutes like what else is nine minutes maybe that's how long it took Steve Jobs to get off

so he just put it in there fuck it right yeah I don't know I couldn't think of a better he reminds me of Brett Ernst long it took Steve Jobs to get off. So he just put it in there. Fuck it. Right? Yeah, I don't know. I couldn't think of a better... He reminds me of Brett Ernst. Yeah, he is. Yeah. Yeah.

A little Schubert-y, too. Right? You're like a clusterfuck of all the comics we know. He's just an angry... I mean, yeah. I mean... I like it, though. But it's not...

And not... I'm not saying that you're derivative by any stretch. No, no. Not your stand-up. Your look. Oh. Right? And his demeanor. His cadence by any stretch. No, no, not your stand-up, your look. Oh. Right? And his demeanor.

His cadence. His cadence, whatever. Yeah, yeah. Where are you from? Chicago. Oh, shit. Chi-town represent. Hell, yeah.

And you're Italian? Yeah. You can smell that. Fuck, yeah. Everywhere. You can always tell Italians because they really like to wear their sunglasses On the front of their collar like that He didn't take them off and put them on the stool

Yeah I didn't want to He just didn't want to accidentally sit on them Nine dollars in those things That's a lot of nines tonight Not from where I'm looking Yeah You got the bit Not from where I'm looking. Yeah. You got the bit, you know, you're working that bit out.

Yeah. So, like, I'm not going to, personally, I'm not going to give you a bunch of notes. I'm not going to tell you how to make your joke funny. But I think you have a great cadence. I think you have a great persona. And I would like to see more of you. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, definitely.

Just trying to find angles and windows in on what you could do. I would try to figure out maybe why it's not 10. What happened to the guy that set it for 10? Why is 10 not the thing? And why can't you set it? Why can't you reset it? What kind of government conspiracy is that shit? Isn't this fucking America?

I can pick a president, but I can't pick a snooze? Yeah, it's just on and off. And then you play Toby Keith music behind you while you're doing it? You could probably find out who actually invented the snooze button and really research his life and find out some funny shit about why it's nine minutes.

That's a lot of work. You guys fucking... Wow. I'll bet you it's nine minutes because nine minutes is considered a long snooze where I bet ten minutes is just considered a short nap. Give it up for Red Band, the wiki comic.

He does his research. He's asking Siri right now. Oh, boy. You created the snooze bug. It's about to be nine minutes. Shit. But yeah, I'm sure there's a reason behind it. Some guy named Larry Snooze.

Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years in L.A. Okay. I did it in Chicago for about three before that. Okay, so five and a half years.? Two and a half years in L.A. Okay. I did it in Chicago for about three before that. Okay, so five and a half years. So five and a half, jackass. You don't have to reset when you get here.

Yeah, it's not a snooze alarm. Well, I kind of did, though. In what fashion? So you hit snooze in Chicago. Well, I just was more serious about it out here. Oh, more consistent. Yeah, but if you were doing it, I would say five and a half. Because when you tell me two and a half years, I'm like, I don't really want to listen to this dude.

But if you tell me five and a half years, I'm like, I'll listen to what this dude has to say. There you go. Joe Morisi. Thank you so much. Great job. He's on Twitter at Joe Morisi. That's M-A-R-R-E-S-I. Follow him.

One of the luckiest guys. He's always on. I think it was like the fourth week in a row he's got picked. Something like that. He's got some kind of luck, yeah. Normally Italians don't have luck. They have to be really, really great at everything. How dare you.

To get an opportunity. But Joe's the exception. That's for you, you Irish fuck. We're not lucky. We're a mess. Guys, this is always interesting. You remember the Armenian that barked earlier from the corner? Everybody, I just pulled his name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for GT. Very fitting that he gets the dubstep intro because Why do women always look for men That look and act and smell like their dad? What the fuck is up with that shit, people? Huh? You know what I call that? Do you know what I call? Huh? You know what I call that? Do you know what I call that?

Do you know what I call that? I call that incest, people. It's incest. It's exactly what it is. So when was the last time you sucked your dad's dick? That's what I'm trying to find out. Oh, boy. When was the last time you gave your dad a blowjob?

That's what I'm trying to find out. Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me. Excuse me. Does your dad help to look like Phil Collins? No? How long ago did you toss your dad's out, huh? Anyways, man, that's about it.

I think that was about it 49 seconds ago. The laughs that you heard were because people are laughing at you for being so shocking. It's an awkward laughter. Can I just answer the question last week? I just want to answer this question. What did you say at the very beginning? The audience even asked what you said at the very beginning. Like, are you...

He asked why girls only like guys that look and smell, which was an interesting one to throw in. Their dads. Right. Yeah, I didn't get the... Why do women always look for men that look and act and smell like their dad? Oh, like their dad.

I thought you said like they're dead. I was like, oh, shit. I thought that also. I thought you were fucking a lot of vegans. English is my second language, so I might have a little accident. Oh, I see. Okay, okay. You know what?

Then you can explain that because I really, I was like, fuck, I'm listening to this guy because all this energy is insane. What's your first language? I'm Armenian. Oh, I'm fortunate. That's why he thinks all dads have a smell. Yeah. And they do.

You're right. I've been to Glendale. I used to smell before. Not anymore. I started learning the order. I'm good. I'm good. I've been to Glendale. I used to smell before. Not anymore. I started wearing deodorant. I'm good. I'm good. I feel fine right here.

Until I started going to Catholic school with kids like him. Hey, man, you smell. You smell. You smell. You smell. You're set to order. You're going to deodorant. All right.

What the hell is that? Oh, boy. Listen, are you on cocaine right now? Are you selling any? Please tell me. Or are you coming cocaine right now? are you selling any? or are you coming down from it? because there's a jagged edge to your energy

and not the band like it's very amphetamine-y yeah are you I won't ask Like, it's very amphetamine-y. Yeah. Are you... I won't ask, because I don't want you to incriminate yourself, but... I've done coke once in my life.

Yeah? And was it right before you got up on stage? This was, like, back in 2007. It's one thing to have energy, but it needs to have some sense behind it. Yeah. When Joe came up here, he was obviously angry. And you were obviously angry too.

But you were like cocaine angry. Yeah, we don't know if we may or may not snap right now and take out the whole fucking front row. You gotta have that transition. Like, oh, I'm just fucking around. Is that what the sword is for?

Just in case. I'm a street fighter, so I don't have a problem, but I'm saying that's fucked up. You scared people. Is that true? So you won't fuck me because of that? Because I'm too crazy? No, no, no. It's not about fucking you. It's about being scared of you. Do I act creepy? Yes. It's beyond creepy. It took another level. It's beyond creepy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's creepy.

It took another level. And it's okay. If that's what your character is, that's fine. But you need to pull back a little. I can't laugh at you in fear. I may file a report. Fuck. And if I laugh at you, it's going to be like, ah.

It's going to be like this. He's coming out. He's coming out. Laugh at him or he'll kill us. It's like that thing. You're not going to get work that way. No. No one's going to be like,

come get frightened out of your fucking mind at the Funny Bone. That's a hard show to sell. If I had to judge your scariness on a scale from 1 to 1,000, I'd say you're at about 9-11. And as an Armenian, you don't really want to have anything to do with that number. So I would just tone it down, and I would...

The logic between guys looking like their dad and girls blowing their father, you're gonna need a couple more steps in there for the audience to make sense. And he doesn't mean step-dads. Time's up! Time's up! Time's up! Time's up! Time's up! couple more steps in there no more no s no s no s singular yeah yeah yeah yeah that's that's see that's what we're talking about right now the entire audience yeah yeah haters

it's not it's not see we don't know if you're kidding. It's frightening. And I don't think you do either. You know, and the one part that I did like, and it was three and a half seconds of it, was when you said that you look like Phil Collins. Like, I could sort of see that, but you could make a funny joke about that.

Like, you look like an Armenian Phil Collins. You're like Phil calling a cab or something like that. Or even just take out all the blowing your dad and fucking your dad and go, girls want to fuck their guys that look like their dads. Well, I hope someone wants to fuck an Armenian Phil Collins. There's a joke. Right. And then maybe—

There's a nice soft joke that everybody can laugh to. How about Andre Agassi? Andre Agassi? I don't have to say Armenian. Andre Agassi is already Armenian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. I don't think a lot of people know that.

Right. I didn't. No. He is Armenian. And I liked Andre Agassi. Oh, yeah. What'd you do? What happened there?

Oh. Oh. But, yeah, I would you do? What happened there? Oh. Oh, but yeah, I would just turn down the aggression a little bit. This, just like, I don't know, you guys see me quite a few times. This is my first time.

Okay. Just one, that's one of my jokes that have to come in with a lot of energy. No, no, you don't. Uh-uh. No.

No, that joke, you didn't have to, like, I could've come out here and gone, you know, guys, how come girls only like dudes that look and smell like their dads, right? I mean, you want to blow your dad? No one's going to laugh to that.

No one laughed anyway. But they laughed at my shit. I heard people laughing. I wouldn't laugh at you. No one laughed at your shit. It was out of nervousness. That's not funny. You have to come in with an energy, dog. They weren people laughing. They were laughing. I wouldn't laugh at you. They were horrified. I would never laugh at your shit. It was out of nervousness. That's not funny. You have to come in with an energy, dog.

No, she did. They weren't laughing. They were horrified. You have to come in with an energy. No. You have to come in with a, no one's going to laugh at what you did. No, no, no, no.

They were like, I've been doing comedy for, listen, I've been doing comedy for 16 years. You're not going to tell me what's going to make people laugh. Yeah. I'm just telling you. I get it. If you want to come up on stage and scare the fuck out of people,

then keep doing what you're doing. But if you want to get work as a comedian, chill the fuck out and tell your jokes. There you go. GT, there he goes. That was GT. He's on Twitter at GT Music. GT Music is his Twitter handle,

which would probably be a better field for him to get into than comedy. I still don't feel right. I don't feel good. Too soon for the GT jokes? Yeah. There he goes. I never thought I'd say this

because I've met so many scary ones, but that's the scariest Armenian I've ever been near. Look how weird the room is now. It's super awkward. I just hope he doesn't give me a bad Uber rating. Fuck. I love Uber. Is Jimmy here?

Jimmy, are you here? Who's Jimmy? Schubert. Oh, Tubit's coming in? Yeah, he's going to come do a quick guest spot. He has to work something out for something that's two minutes long. Tubit. Let's get another comedian up here. His name is Kevin Elliott. All up in the clubs to have a good time.

Hey, you're a buzzer. Girls is on the road, but I'm a guard yet. Bottles and bottles talking on the net. No, I care for the kids. Kevin Elliott, everybody. Come on. What's up? How you guys doing, man?

Hey. All right. I had a good day today. I played video games today and finally beat my son. Those are two separate things. That's good. You know? No, I don't literally beat my son

at video games. What it is, is my son's so cool, man. We do like, he's five years old. And when he was two, we would go to the mall, because I bought these shirts that were matching t-shirts, and they both said, hung like a five-year-old. And mine's more true than his um still but uh but now we uh we're cool dudes together he's a real

real funny guy um i think one of the the coolest things about him is like he sees what i see in djs and what djs is, they look exactly like my mom when she would be on the phone and washing dishes at the same time. Just like... I'm thinking nothing. I'm done. I'm just thinking nothing. That's fun.

It's an act out. That joke's not going to translate to the podcast part of this show. I love your shirt. Oh, thanks a lot. My son picked it out. Of course he did. Yeah, he told me to wear it tonight.

That's awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Man, that's a tough question to answer. I did eight years and then took seven years off and then started back up in January again. Why the seven years off? You had the kid. Yeah, married and kid. Divorced now, so jump back in at seven year itch.

Well, now you have a bevy of material from marriage and divorce. No, I do. You got that minute. I'm trying to just punch it in as quick as I can. Oh, absolutely. I feel like I've been going first. No, you go. Fine.

No, it's fine. Ladies first. I did forget the Despicable Me joke. I feel terrible about it. I look just like the guy. Yes. Ew. The key to stand-up comedy, I feel like a major part of it is making the improvised

or making the rehearsed look improvised. Yeah. And I felt like to some extent you were just trying to recite the jokes and i they're probably new and you're just trying to remember them but you know i the audience wants to feel like you're just talking to them about your day like that's kind of the the deal and so like my my i guess your jokes are fine it's just like i just kind of felt like you're reciting them yeah so that that's a hundred percent i agree with you that's exactly the way it came out yeah i mean as i was doing it i was like oh jesus here we go so maybe i'm right down that path make a more converse make it more

conversational or maybe i know it's hard because you're just getting called up and it's kind of a tense moment but just yeah loosen up on stage a little bit. And, I mean, again, you have a minute. But when you're up there for reals, fucking, you know, chill out a little bit. Yeah, be more, like, I felt like you bailed on your material. I did. Even though it was rehearsed, you pulled away from it immediately. Like, ah, fuck, I didn't get a laugh. I'm done. You're not going to get a lot of laughs.

So just keep going. You know what I mean? You just have to barrel through those. That's how it comes more. Yeah. It's like a chick a chick man you can't just kind of touch him and then pull you really gotta poke hard no i'm kidding you gotta break through these cobwebs you gotta get in there you gotta really fist it up anyway um i'm a pig and i apologize you gotta go in like this you can't just go punch her in the vagina. Right.

And I like a few punches to the twat at first, and then it loosens things up. I mean, I'm talking post-foreplay. Right, naturally. That's how I tell girls I like them. Now that he's single and wearing a Ninja Turtle shirt, I can see myself wearing that tomorrow. I can see myself wearing you.

Oh, as a hat. Want a new five-year-old, Eleanor? I just dried up a little bit. Anyway, what nationality are you, can I ask? I am Jewish as can be. I felt it. Look at that. My doctor said a yarmulke

will clear that right up. You should wear a yarmulke. Yeah. That's cute. I like Jews. I do. I sleep with a lot of them. I'm trying to make it in show business.

Don't judge me, fuckers. That's great. I do the same thing. It's fine. Yes, we all do. I love the shirt. He's leaving on the Jew comment. Oh, okay.

You're staying. Oh, he's here. Did you get cold? A bit. All right. You want to turn it off? Maybe he's allergic to Jews. Oh, okay, you're staying. Oh, he's here. Do you get cold? A bit. All right. Do you want to turn it off? Maybe he's allergic to juice. Oh, yeah.

Most of us are. But we have to put up with them. I like it. Five years old, huh? Yeah, yeah, five. Does he live with you or the mom? 50-50. Nice.

Yeah, yeah. I actually, believe it or not, the reason we got divorced is because we literally are just best friends. I mean, that's it. We're mature about it. Oh, cool. That's good. That's great for the kids. It's great.

You guys just couldn't. My parents are friends. We were roommates with a child. It's better than having two dads. That came out wrong. I'm sorry. It's better than having two dads. That came out wrong.

I'm sorry. So now you're single now. Yeah, don't hit on me like that. Yeah, that was a weird way you said it. Well, no, I'm just curious. I'm trying to get this video together for Tommy, if you could help him out. How often do you let your five-year-old decide what you're going to wear now that you're single? Every day, man.

Really? Every day. You should see the kind of pussy I pull at elementary schools. They love my clothes. That shirt is hot. Oh, I see that one. I see that one. That's a whole just heavy of untrolled tail thing. They can't complain because they don't know what it's supposed to be like, which is great.

Because they haven't probably had it in like five years. This is horrifying. I'm not a pedophile. I feel terrible for saying this out loud. We're talking about the moms, right? Chris got all nervous. They can hear us, you know. I was talking about the moms.

Right? Yeah, no, me too. I was talking about moms. Moms, right? Yeah, no, me too. I want some pregnant moms. Kevin, that was fun, and that first joke was awesome. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for coming on. He's Kevin Elliott, everybody.

Kevin Elliott. He's on Twitter at Kevin underscore Elliott. Now for a special part of our show, working something out for something. I'm sure it's something, I'm sure it's something for TV. Put your hands together for a favorite here on Kill Tony,

one of my favorite comedians. It's Jimmy Schubert, everybody. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm gonna have to read this shit

and we don't have a, we don't need a fucking timer. So, I went hiking this weekend because a chick I'm trying to have sex with said, why don't we go hiking?

I said, sure, let's get out in nature where it has the upper hand. Maybe we'll run into a cougar, the bad kind, and she'll drag me away by my head and then I'll have an excuse

not to go hiking again. Would you like to go hiking? I would, but I don't have enough meat left on the side of my skull to make for a decent snack for a mountain lion. Maybe we could just go to the zoo and you could shove me over the railing into the lion exhibit.

That way they'll need a helicopter to find what's left of my body. All right, let me show it there. So I like to have sex, so now I'm hiking. I hear something behind me. I look back, and barreling down the trail at full speed is a guy on a unicycle. I swear to God that they're out there. It's a new thing. There's videos on YouTube.

It's called Muni, short for mountain bike unicycling. Yeah, because every dumb activity needs a dumb name. Yeah, because every dumb activity needs a dumb name. They're out there right now sliding down the face of Kilimanjaro on a runaway front bicycle tire like an Alouard birthday clown looking for a happy hour. I really should commit this to memory. I grew up in Philadelphia. To me, a unicycle is what you were left with when you left your regular bike in a bad neighborhood. Look, it took mankind thousands of years since the invention of the wheel to figure out you could attach it to a frame and then attach another wheel

to it. You don't get to reverse all that progress because you take your IQ with a tire gauge. And don't hit me with Jimmy. You don't know the athleticism and coordination. Yeah, you know what it takes? Using a pogo stick to play king of the hill with a big horned sheep is fucking tough too, but it's still a bad idea. I mean, I'll watch kids all day long on skateboards turn hand railings into vasectomy clinics.

Which I think is a good idea because they shouldn't reproduce. But there's no way you need to go down the face of Mountain Kiddly on a fucking abdominizer wheel. And this Ringling Brothers reject is yelling everybody out of the way! Everybody out of the way! Shit, I fucked up my nose. Fuck. You got this. Turns out there were two of these

nutbags. It was a husband and wife team. Yeah! Swear to God. To me, that just looks like a good alibi to kill off your spouse. We were doing what we love to do, going down a sheer cliff face on the most unstable form of transportation ever invented. And I'll never forget it.

She went over the cliff. I'll never forget the unsurprised look on her face as she died on a mountain on a unicycle. And of course, like anything else I don't like, they have groups that meet up so they can hang out and discuss their tire. I mean, what hobbies did they reject? Live shark tossing? Who wants to do the 100 meter swim in concrete pants and the fan favorite

the blindfolded javelin catch listen if you need to go to these extremes to feel a rush you're not doing it right you want to rush come back to adult land and try raising two kids and managing a mortgage

and paying the cell phone of a 16 year old who tweets 36 hours a day and paying the cell phone of a 16 year old who tweets 36 hours a day and the only rush you'll need after that is getting those two kids out of the house so you get my lazy ass off the couch to go on a hike.

Sorry man. I'm fucking nervous. I was nervous. How long have you been doing stand up. I was nervous. How long have you been doing stand-up? That was horrific. I just started today. You have to bring your notes up here, you piece of shit. I fucked you.

I was working on this shit all day. Nice set, Janine Garofalo. Yeah! That was awesome, man. Last week I was on this panel, bitches. Shit's going great for you, huh, Jimmy? That last comic standing's killing right now. I love you.

Congrats, man. Ten years ago, we were the last comic snorting, but we've all come a long way. We could go back. No, never. I hung up my straw. I know this Armenian guy in the real big coke head. You hung up your straw. It was a Hall of Fame career.

I retired my straw. That's awesome. Thanks, guys. Can we ask what you're working on it for? Yeah, I'm taping something Wednesday night. That's awesome. Top secret. That's awesome. Top secret. That's awesome.

I love that. That's the good stuff. No secret no more. I put through all my TV shit, and now I'm fucking writing it. Yeah, now you have to start from scratch. That's fucking awesome. That was absolutely hilarious.

Thank you so much for sharing it with us. It was funnier how nervous I was or trying to rush through it. It was all awesome. You're amazing. All right, I'm going to sit back and watch you critique people. No, go downstairs and do it again. Thank you so much.

The great Jimmy Schubert, everybody. Oh, my God. He's one of those guys that sometimes it makes me laugh so hard or I feel like I'm going to have a stroke or something. That asshole got a duck so mad at me on the golf course that it chased us for like 300 yards just snapping at me on the golf course that it chased us for like 300 yards just snapping at me. I was in the car

Jimmy's just fucking laughing his ass off. And I really thought I was going to get injured by a duck. I love him. How did he piss off the duck? A fucking, I don't know. Called it a name. Probably cursing at it.

He got it going. And it was coming after me. He's like, ah! It was like when the Armenian guy was up here. That's awesome. Well, let's move on to our final segment of the show where our two lovely regulars

always come on. We have two young ladies that have been being built here on this show since we started it. Yeah, they do a new minute each week. $600 women. That sounds creepy. You have to say that. We're building them. They're not ready yet.

No, yeah, they're robots. They're not actually humans. We have the technology. She doesn't have quite the body I want her to have yet. Remember that old horror movie, Frankenhooker? No. No, but I'm renting it tonight. Dude's girlfriend gets chopped up in a mulcher or something.

And so dude goes... Like, her head's fine. So dude goes out, hires a bunch of hookers, kills them, and makes a Frankenhooker with his girlfriend's head so that she'll live again. Wow. Does she have bolts on this side? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking 80s. Do these she have like bolts on this side? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking 80s.

Do these girls have bolts? Yeah. Do they have bolts? No, yeah, but you can't see them. I want to see this. It's under their clothes. I'm excited to see them. So let's do it again, shall we?

Going first this week, you know her from the Dysentery podcast and is a regular on Kill Tony. Super funny, goofy style. Put your hands together for the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Oh, and Sean Shorty. What's up? Hiccups are humbling.

You get a bad case of the hiccups, it's hard to not feel like a jackass. Babies hiccuping, that's adorable. But a grown-ass man hiccuping, not so adorable. Hiccups are humbling. It's hard to take yourself whilst whilst hiccup egg I'm a bad bitch these are just some hiccups guys bear with me everyone else feels like a jackass for you when you get the hiccups they're like Brent Brent drink water hold your breath turn around Brent becomes like a weird team building exercise everyone's involved we're gonna make it

through Brent we're gonna get rid of this bad spell you look like the Jordan's fisherman in this it's true he does look like the Gordon's Fisherman for you podcast listeners. Sarah just did a little crowd work there at the end, and she nailed it. That is a big yellow jacket. I like that premise. I like that bit. I think you can get into the meat of it a little bit faster by getting into it. Well, first, my one note would be that you say hiccups are humbling. It almost seems like you're about to talk about you having hiccups.

And then you say a grown-ass man having hiccups. Like, that's sort of just like, I think what's great about what you talked about is how you got into how everybody starts to try to help with the hiccups. Yeah, yeah. That's where it got funner. Yeah, exactly. I like that. And so you could probably expand on that more. I like that.

You could probably expand on that more. Is somebody trying to scare you and somebody telling you to drink water upside down and all the crazy shit. I'm sure it's been done though. I'm sure the whole hiccuping material has been done before though. Yeah, I'm not saying put it on a CD. But it's her spin on it.

I'm just saying I wonder how many times it's been done before because I didn't think of that until you guys said yeah it's all about because that was the funny part yeah

people helping and it feels like I've heard a million times people talking about drinking water doing the hip hiccuping material yeah

I don't know but again it's humbling though it's humbling as shit I was on a plane once with I'll say dice clay and should I say it doesn't matter? No, yeah.

I said that you open it. She tours with Dice. He had a hiccup fit, and we had to land and go to the fucking emergency room. And you've never laughed so hard when you're on a plane, and Dice is hiccuping. That's so funny. Uncomfortably and wouldn't stop. Hickory dickory. It's happening.

They thought we were kidding. They thought we were fucking around. Nobody was trying to help. They were like, oh, he's a comic. He's an asshole. When did they say it was? Did they even have any cure for it? No, and it was two days.

Hold your breath. It was two days he got the hiccups for. That's crazy. That's scary. It was torture. It was funny for a minute. And then after two days, I'm like, hey, you gotta fucking stop, man. You gotta figure something out. Get your shit

together. Yeah. So should I lose the hiccup material or keep the hiccup shit? No, keep expanding on your own take on it. I mean, everything's been talked about before. Every single thing. Except anything I've talked about. Everybody has different takes that's true everything it's what your take is and if you expand more on that

group effort of trying to get the person to not just see what comes up yeah I want to know what's your emasculating about like you say you know it's a masculine was the word masculine what'sculating. What's that? Demasculating. Is it duh? Demasculating. Is that the word? Oh, I thought you were You guys know what I mean. You know what I mean? I thought she was being silly.

What did I say? That's what I thought you were doing. I said, okay, what does it mean when you're not it's feminine, not masculine? Demasculating? Isn't that a, demasculating? Demasculating? All right, let's not turn this into an English class.

You guys, I don't know. Somebody ask Siri. Someone fucking Google it. Demasculating. No, but I would just, you know, I think you could just be, I think it's emasculating. It is emasculating. Yeah, it definitely is. Thank you guys. Thanks forculate. Yeah, it definitely is. Thank you, guys.

Thanks for coming through. Oh, God. But yeah, let me know... Somebody had enough minutes to find out. Thanks. Yeah, I just... I want to know more

of why it's emasculating, too. Okay. Because you say it, and I was kind of expecting you to, like, have an example of, like, a guy hitting on you and then hiccuping or something like that.

I just wanted more explanation about that. It's like a cute sound, too. It is a cute sound. It's not like a belch. It's like a... You can control a little hair. Yeah. Can't suck that up, huh?

Little pussy. Oh, sorry. Sarah, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Sarah, that was great. Another fun, goofy premise with Sarah Wineshank it's sort of her style she takes like little things

that you sort of notice and expands on it tries to find different ways in yesterday she had us all cracking up she talked about the crock pot it was very fun about how it's such a lazy person's lazy cooks that's right we had a conversation about that because I didn't know what a crock pot was that shit takes forever about how it's such a lazy person's, lazy cook's favorite thing.

That's right. We had a conversation about that because I didn't know what a crock pot was. It's not that lazy. That shit takes forever. Yeah. Like, it's a crock. Like, I don't use it other than. Sounds like you do.

You were very excited. No, but it's just one of those things you set and then you leave, right? Yeah, yeah. I only use it. Like, for me, it's only been a Rotel machine. A Rotel machine? Yeah. What's that?

You make Rotel? You don't know what Rotel is? Oh, the cheese dip? Yeah, the queso been a Rotel machine. A Rotel machine? Yeah. What's that? You don't know what Rotel is? Oh, the cheese dip? Yeah, the queso stuff. Oh, nice. Yeah, I remember that. I'm from Kansas. It was kind of a staple.

Sad. Your final comedian of the night and the other regular on this show dropped out of college with one year left at the University of Florida because she came here and did her first set right here on Kill Tony Tony and she's been here every Monday since. It's the one and only Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Kimberly! Hey guys. I think that people like

me deserve a little more credit. Let me tell you why. Because we have Mother's Day, we have Father's Day, but I don't get why we don't have I figured out how to pull out day. Or I'm chasing my dreams day.

And I feel like every time I tell this joke, I offend a mother. And I know what you're thinking, but yes, I do know what I'm missing. I just don't want my wildest fantasies to be about sleeping through the night. I think that past relationships, guys cheating on me, has made me a little bit paranoid. Today, I had a co-worker, a male co-worker print something out for me I said thank you so much and he was like don't mention it

and I said why the fuck can't we talk about it who else are you printing shit for fuck yes Kimberly Conga that was a great minute congrats on getting out of Florida. Yeah. Thanks, dude.

It was awful. Are you from there? Yeah, I grew up in Florida. What part? Kind of the same area as... Oh, south Florida? Yeah, it was Palm Bay. Okay.

Yeah. At least that's a little better. No, it smells like sneeze. It smells like who? Sneeze. That's how I describe it. It's just like a town that's dirty and smells. No, it smells like sneeze. It smells like who? Sneeze. That's how I describe it. It's just like a town that's dirty and smells sickly. I'm just kidding if anyone from my town is listening.

That's so rude, right? Just kidding. They know what they're into. They get it. I don't think they have technology there. Oh, there you go. The only thing I would really mention and say, because you kind of say it at the end, but I would just be like, I'm a single woman.

Why? I don't know. Something like, you were like, why isn't there a day for people? Don't look at me. You started this. I know. He looks like help. You said what?

You said, why isn't there a day for people like me? Yeah, there's Mother's Day, but there's no days to celebrate people that are achieving their dreams. But I guess that's just because everything else is great, right? I don't know. I like the joke. The only one that confused me was – I'll shut up. No. You were going to say live your dreams.

The pulling out thing because you didn't figure out how to do that. You're just with guys that figured out how to do it. Unless you hop off quicker. I mean, you push, too. It's a team effort. It could be a team effort. He pulls, you push. So push out.

So maybe push out instead of pull. You're a pusher. I like that. I am. You've learned how to hoist off quick. You just look into his eyes for that look. What? You just look into his eyes for that look.

You start to feel that eruption. Yeah. I love what you just did. She just grabbed the bottom of Chris's arm and exposed a little bit that pulsing feeling. I always wondered if girls can feel that. They can feel that.

We know when it's happening. We know that stupid face you made. That's why when you try to fake it and you didn't do it, they're always like, we're done. Well, awesome job, Kim. Thanks. Great stuff. I liked it. Thank you so much.

Good job. Good job. Can liked it. Thank you so much. Good job, good job. Can you say my Twitter handle? Yes, at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter and at Princess Shank on Twitter. I guess I did. She is a pusher. I like this. Yeah, she did. She'll get me to push out promos.

It's true. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget. She's got a year of college to make up for. Push her shit out there, man. Kimberly Congdon, at Kimberly Congdon, at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter, and at Princess Shank on Twitter. Our two lovely regulars, everybody.

There they were. Thank you, Jimmy Schubert, so much. He's at Jimmy Schubert on Twitter. Follow him. He's on Last Comic Standing. Chris, you are I Am Chris Porter, right? Anything else coming up you want to promote? The road or anything?

What do you got? I'll be in Hartford connecticut in a couple weeks sweet if you want to hear jokes in a mall come on out eleanor you're ej carrigan on twitter yes ej carrigan and uh i will be back in vegas the 16th through the oh i'm sorry the 19th through the 22nd at the hard rock with dice awesome josh. Josh Martin is at JoshMartinComic, one of my favorite people, trying to get rid of the bedbugs. Best of luck with that. We're going to help you out.

And I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Brian? I'll be in Florida with Sam Tripoli, August 8th, 9th, and 10th, Tampa, Jacksonville, and Orlando. Ooh la la. Florida with Tripoli. That sounds crazy. Sounds dangerous. Comes to us at Comic with Tripoli. That sounds crazy. Sounds dangerous.

Come see us at Comic-Con at the end of July. We're going to be there live from San Diego. The whole crew, Kimberly, Sarah, Josh, and some amazing, amazing, amazing guests that are so special we can't even talk about it. That's when you know it's really good. So even you LA people, take the little two-hour drive and come have fun with us for Comic-Con.

Live audience, thank you so much. So awesome. See you guys soon. See you soon. That I don't belong to you And you don't belong to me Yeah, yeah Freedom Freedom Freedom You got to give me what you take

Freedom Freedom Freedom You got to give do what you say Heaven knows we sure have fun, boy Why can't you buddy me? Why can't you buddy me? We hit it for a big shot, good time, bend on the run, boy

We're young and fancy Young and fancy When the race got out of place We'll be right back. I think it's time I stopped the show. There's something deep inside me.