KILL TONY - KILL TONY #56

Episode Date: July 7, 2014

Joe Rogan, Dom Irrera, , Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Jesus/Kevin Lee Light, Brian Redban – Date: 06/20/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you'll have our new tour dates calendar. Just click on tour dates, and that'll take you to the new page. Not only can you see Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store at 8 p.m., and it's a free show, you can see us at the 2014 Comic-Con in San Diego at the American Comedy Company. That's going to be July 23rd

at 8pm, followed by a Thunder Pussy at 10pm. And then the following day, July 24th, we're having a huge comic show. And it's just a bunch of stand-up comedians, and it's special guest Bert Kreischer. It's going

to be a huge party. Tickets are still available for all these shows. Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tour Dates for all the links. And we also have a Florida tour that's going to be in August with me and Sam Tripoli, August 8th, 9th, and 10th. And that's going to be in Tampa, Jacksonville, and Orlando. Tickets are on sale right now. Also, check out the new store at DeathSquad.TV or go to ShopSquad.TV. We got t-shirts, hoodies, hats, posters, everything.

So check it out. All right. Here's a brand new episode. And you guys have been wanting this for a while. Of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world famous Ice House in the Pasadena.

Give it up for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Here's Tony! It's going! Hi, everybody. Dreams really do come true. We're doing a Kill Tony from the Ice House in Pasadena. This is crazy.

This is like going to... It's like playing basketball at your neighbor's house when you're a kid on their hoop instead of your hoop. You know, and like hoops are a little bit different. I could tell there's a lot of basketball players in the crowd by the way this is going over. Not really connecting yet. How you guys doing? This is fun.

This is a different angle, a different type of setup. The audio actually works here. We have a new sponsor. Give it up for Squirt, everybody. Squirt. Delicious diet Squirt is now available. Made since can anybody guess when Squirt started?

1653. 1653, sir. What are you thinking? We're talking about Squirt here. 1653? You're saying squirt predates the United States of America? I mean, I'd like to believe that. For anybody that's ever had

one on a hot summer day, you would think, my God, it seems like they've been making this for centuries. But no, that's just since 1938, everybody. 1938. They've been around a long time. I mean, no 1656 over there from the...

I think that was the birthday of Charlie Chaplin. Well, look at that. Brian making up a completely false fact. Right from the get, and I love it. I like how there's that much beverages and electricity going on here. And Joe is known for spilling his coffee all the time,

so this might be really dangerous. This is exciting. Hopefully he spills some delicious diet squirt. The caffeine-free thirst quencher. Newest sponsor of Kill Tony. Turns out McDonald's dropped us. They did. They did not like the sponsorships.

Turns out they weren't loving it. They said you have to stop saying that we're sponsoring your show. Yeah. I was waiting for it. I was wondering, like, what happens if you pretend like a sponsor's your sponsor? They have to fight back because they have to protect their own reputation. Right. I think it started when they started sponsoring SeaWorld, though, because we started drawing attention to the SeaWorld.

Because they had SeaWorld on their cups. I said the Blackfish Filet. Yeah. Yeah. Which was just comedy magic that happened right in the moment. That was no pre-written. You can't mix those. Oh, sir, are you texting this show to somebody

who can't see the live feed? Is that what's going on right now? They got a new sponsor. It's Squirt. It's on Reddit right now. Hashtag Kill Tony. There's not even hashtags on Reddit. I meant backslash.

Look at me. I don't know the internet. Who here doesn't take Squirt and mix it with a little bit of tequila and call it a margarita? Come on. Yeah. That's as white trash as it gets right there, everybody. If you've ever wondered what white trash is for you Latinos in the room or black people, like what's true white trash?

Have you ever mixed a squirt with tequila and called it a margarita? That's it. I saw a few Mexican people pass out when you said that. They were so insulted. That's not a margarita. I mean, that's a fucking... Well, I mean, it's delicious squirt, so it's probably better than a margarita. Yeah.

Fuck, I can't have squirt drop us. Yeah. I just messed up and said squirt wouldn't be good. Yeah, well, just don't let Joe knock one over on you and squirt all over you and get you wet. I love it. It would be a first on Kill Tony that I've been drenched in delicious caffeine-free squirt.

The thirst quencher is their slogan, by the way. This crowd is not into a squirt whatsoever. They want McDonald's. That's all that they want, but I love it. You guys dig your McDonald's. How many people here actually know what Kill Tony is, by the way?

Yeah? Alright. Who here has no idea what they're watching right now? Wow. Really? That's awesome. Congratulations. What we do is we do this show once a week,

and we help the local stand-up comedy community out. Yeah. They sign up for a show to get constructive criticism from me, Writers Guild member, Comedy Central roast writer, Death Squad Platinum member. You might know me from any of my major credits. And Brian, the creator of the Death Squad, and always two of our funniest friends are on this show. And this week's no different.

Yeah. So getting perspective from two awesome stand-ups tonight's going to be very exciting we have the great joe rogan and dom irera are with us in the house tonight everybody but first for those of you that haven't been to kill tony you wooers out there that all went which basically means fuck you and your show we also always have a head of security with us to protect us at all times. It started off, it was the Iron Patriot, an autistic man, undiagnosed

in a very fancy $5,000 Iron Man suit. He would stand next to the stage and defend us. When the episodes got in the 30s of episodes, he said he's gotten too big for the show. When he hit 4,000 Twitter followers, he said he's gotten too big for the show. When he hit 4,000 Twitter followers,

he said, I'm going to do my own thing now. I have a new following. Since then, he's lost more than 1,000 Twitter followers since leaving the show based on the principle of the listeners. And so we've always replaced him with a different patriot each week. Pesadena, I bring you a very special treat. When I bring to you one of my favorite Patriots, it's Iron Jesus Christ.

Look at the reach on this man. Coming back from the fully stretched back. Here he is taking the long walk. There was only one set of footprints, I do believe, from his walk over there. Wait, no, there's a little girl following. Wait, that's Josh Martin, guys. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody.

Producer of the show, spiller of tequila, accident-prone, speech impediment infested friend of ours who thought he had said it all the way down when he put down tequila on the table a few weeks ago. And it went all over my lap.

But he's looking over us. That's the great Josh Martin comic. And we have Kevin Lee Light. Jesus Christ is with us, everybody. Put your hands together for Jesus. How's it been going, man? Beautiful. Thanks.

You know, I have the wingspan of a condor. Heck yeah. Throw that in there. All right. Okay. It's going good. There you go. Have you actually measured a condor's wingspan?

Are you being serious? Or is that just uh i don't know i just you caused somebody to sneeze just now i don't know if you heard that bless you and i know you're just boom boom he's still got it after thousands of years jesus Christ never loses that sense of humor and he said it doesn't go away happy to be here back in Pasadena my last time here I saw Jim Carrey before he was ever Jim Carrey Wow 1979 or 80 just said it used to come here back in the dizzies he let all the old that do you ever get to see Steve

Martin cuz Steve Martin started out here. It was actually the only show I saw, and I figured maybe I would never see one better. And look at you now. All of a sudden, you're here on Kill Tony. Woo! Featured by Squirt, the thirst quencher. This is much more exciting than Young Jim Carrey.

I'll have the Squirt margarita, please. Here, I'll open up one right now. Thank you. I thought that was going to be the worst accident for sure. That just seemed, I'm like, oh, here it is. What about this poor guy over here looking at the back of me the whole time? What do I do about that? No, it's fine.

He's into it. How many times do you think you get fucking cock-blocked by Jesus? Sorry about that. It's all good, man Jesus? She got the best seat in the house. You're like fucking he's a good sport. There's not much to see back Yeah, if that isn't in your way, you could totally move I'm sure one of the waiters or waitresses will find a spot because he does pass a lot of gas He's a oh, he does not you think a guy that sat in the middle of the table in the last supper could pass gas? That would be embarrassing.

There you go. He's unbelievable. Who said that you didn't really exist, these morons? Well, guys, we're very happy to have you back. I'm glad that you're going to be keeping an eye on us. Got your back.

In the meanwhile, what do you say we, Josh? Yep, I think we're ready to go. Are we? Yeah. Guys, are you ready for your guests? Holy shit. Put your hands together for them, everybody. It's the great Joe Rogan and Dom Irera.

Welcome to the show, guys. We're doing it. Now, Dom, you've been on the show before, Joe. I sort of gave you an idea of what's going on. Is this real booze? Yes. Hey, cheers, guys. Salud.

Salud. Cheers. Is this mine? Yeah. How do I know you didn't move for you? Get me to go to sleep. Because you're not... You would owe me $10.

Boy, we've gotten off to a fucking roaring start. What the fuck was that? Shit's hilarious from the jump. Yeah, Joe's first time here. He refuses to go to the comedy store. So we brought the show to you, Joe. Thank you very much. This is actually really fun being...

We've been looking forward for a long time to have you on the show yeah we should be doing podcasts like live podcasts from here yeah we should totally

yeah it feels good in here it's a good spot I'm a little too high to be talking to people so no eye contact nothing crazy nobody get out of line no picture fests

I was just starting to relax and then I took that shot of you didn't warn me that it was that cinnamon get out of line. No picture fests. I was just starting to relax and then I took that shot of you didn't warn me that it was that cinnamon stuff. Eat a fireball. It's like a whole different thing. I like it. My mind was not prepared for that whatsoever

and now it's like fucking big red gum. Yeah, I was thinking it was probably something whiskey like but I like the added flavor. I mean, that's a real surprise surprise. Yeah. You know what the fuck you just did after you drank one of those. Dude, you know what the fuck you just did.

That's mistake city. That's where all babies come from. That stuff. That's the fuck it, leave it in juice. I don't care, I don't care. Ah! Freedom! That's how it starts.

It's all a fireball. That's this glass. Three more of those and you're making a baby. That's how it goes, Don Rivera. Thank you, Joe Rogan. Shoot rocks in there. That's all you, man. What are you trying to roofie me, bitch?

What the fuck is this? Don Barrera's not even drinking his own, trying to pass it off. Oh, yeah. Are you one of those dudes who has like a special drink? Here, take this little boy. Oh, I need my tangare.

I don't have my tangare. What are you kids, drinking the same thing? I'm just going to sip on this. I don't have my tangeray. What are you kids, drinking the same thing? I'm just going to sip on this. I got a tradition. I get fucked up a special way every time. I go to the bar, I go, bartender, you know what I like.

The regular, boom. Tom, what's your drink? It's amazing how dope doesn't affect you. It doesn't? How dare you yeah Kevin you have any questions for our guests yeah Dom I'm speaking to you from a microphone that's yes so you know the question is important. You were named by Comedy Central one of the 50 greatest comics of all time. All right.

Thank you. Now, now... First of all, it was 100, but thank you. 100? Yeah, and can I say something before you even ask the fucking question? I'm very bitter about that. Because, Joe, it's very hurtful.

I was number 79. You know who beat me out for 78? Cedric the Entertainer. I can't compete with him. He's an entertainer. I just do jokes. He has people over. He has a nice spread.

He dances. He sings. What's the question? That was it. I wondered if you were happy with it Cedric the who Cedric the entertainer oh he's a very funny guy

he's like earthquake but different exactly like earthquake Kevin did you have a question for Joe? Just to be on the list, that's amazing. Joe Rogan, you're one of the greatest, cutting edge, smart,

funny stand-up comics ever. Your body of work is huge and beautiful, and you're always coming up with new stuff. So the question is yeah I'm getting hard as fuck all this all this leading up to where's your favorite place to write comedy to write it actually on airplane seats I don't know

what it is about being in the sky. But it's terrifying. The only place you can get higher. You just give in so much. Yeah, you can't get any higher. But it's also the act of being in a plane is somewhat terrifying, especially if you're high on edibles. And you're on an airplane.

It's a terrifying thing. And there's something about being terrified that makes you creative. So I come up with a lot of shit where I go like, oh no. I come up with a lot of that on airplanes. I love that. Sometimes I put a whole lot of love in a loop.

Well, thank you both. Thank you very much. After a while, it becomes like a meditation after you heard it for the 20th time in your highest fuck on a laptop. You have a system worked out. That was a very specific question, Jesus.

Get high and create material. I was being gang raped by these Armenian guys. What? I was writing like crazy. Somehow my sphincter stimulates my creativity. Makes sense. It would certainly switch it up a bit. Thank you, Doctor.

Well, I'd love to just talk with you guys forever, but unfortunately this podcast is actually about stand-up comedians doing stand-up and doing 60 seconds a piece. Then we talk to them afterwards and figure out how we could help them in any way, shape, or form. That's what they all signed up for and many of them are waiting just outside that door for

their name to be called and then come in and do 60 seconds. What can I say before we... First of all, I haven't even seen these people. None of them have a shot. Just to let you know, just relax. We're very special. This is kind of like a boss-level episode, Tony.

You know, it's like for these guys that are in the other room, this is like when we announced it just this week, they went crazy about it. It really is the best of the best of the entire Hollywood open mic that's out there right now. They're dressed better than I usually see them dressed. It's a Friday night for them.

I usually only see them on Sundays and Mondays, usually only Mondays. It's very exciting. It is like the Yankees of the open mic they've been open mic'ing their whole lives they're so close to past it you can taste it now many of them know but we'll let the audience

and the new people, the few people that have been here for the first time they know that their time's up the 60 seconds when they hear the meow of a kitty did you hear that? Listen to how adorable that is one more time. Now that's your 60 seconds. They know not to go any longer than that or else they're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. To all you podcast listeners I'm sorry you had to hear that.

However, you have to understand that it's an important lesson in show business to not do over your time. So we let that thing rip if they go over. Oh, that's horrible, but that's awesome. So many comedians signed up and made a drive out from all the way from the heart of Hollywood to have the chance to come up in front of you guys. And I thank you so much for being here and I want to get it started. Are you guys ready? Yes.

This is Kill Tony live from the Ice House. 60 seconds and then we're going to end up talking more to your first comedian. Kobe Grimes. It's Kobe Grimes, he's right here. Hello, Kobe. Hey, everybody. So, I graduated school recently, and it's really not that big of a deal because everybody knows that the special ed class graduated too. So in my class there was this dude that the whole class collectively named Boner and Boner was kind of like that dude that tailgates you and flips you off and also has a

Christian fellowship sticker on the back of his window. So Boner cheated off everybody and graduated and now we happen to have the same credentials which means that we kind of appear similar, which is pretty ridiculous because this is a dude who showed me a video of a woman with a straw in her nose who was violently snorting, trying to slide a giant

curtain. Alright, first of all, Kobe, I'm going to apologize to you immediately. Our producer, Josh Martin Martin wasn't in the room check check check check hello hello there was no mic sound is it on now yeah it's been on yeah it was who was just doing really talking right so you were really quiet yeah it's my first time I'm nervous oh my god that's your first time ever doing stand-up?

Yeah. Oh, wow. That's your first time ever on stage? Yeah. Kobe Grimes, everybody. Wow. In that case, you just brought down the house. In that case, I'm not apologizing.

You destroyed for your first time, basically. Oh, awesome. Awesome. Everybody eats shit on Numero Uno. Yeah. It's like part of the program. Nobody's good at first. I guarantee you right now. My first set was on the Tonight Show.

I started. Did you get couched? I don't count that as a set. You don't count it as a set? He said my first set was on the Tonight Show. You know what's amazing about watching you? How long a minute can be.

It was long for you. It was really long for me. Why weren't you that funny during your set? Because I was shitting my fucking pants. That was the first name to get called. I didn. Because I was shitting my fucking pants. Yeah. That was the first name to get called. And I didn't think I was going to get up here.

First name, first time on stage. It's a very alien thing to do what you just did. It's a very alien thing. And when you do it for the first time, you'll be chasing that dragon forever. It'll never be any more alien. And then it'll start being normal. And once it starts being normal, then you'll start relaxing and you'll

learn how to be yourself more up there. It's just a weird art form. And it's one that you only learn by doing it. So you did it. I sucked a fat pile of dicks my first time on stage. Dude, I was terrible. If someone had a recording, I would give them a

lot of money to not release it. That's not me. I'm not that dude. Shit, I would give them a lot of money to not release it. That's not me. I'm not that dude. Shit, I can't be responsible for that motherfucker. That was a long time ago. That's your Donald Sterling take. Dude, everybody. Everybody's terrible

the first time. Everybody. It's just there's no way around it. And then you figure it out. But you have to just keep doing it and just you know get your shit together in the outside world too if you can that'll probably help yeah definitely

Kobe is it something that you've always wanted to do I mean why tonight look at him what the fuck else is this guy gonna do you gonna have him fix your stove barely paying attention when you're talking to him right now this guy going to do? You going to have him fix your stove? Barely paying attention when you're talking to him right now. Congratulations on graduating too.

Thank you. It means a lot to me. I don't know why. What do you want to do? I want to answer his question. Nobody remembers it. How do you remember it? I want to answer his question. Okay.

Nobody remembers it. How do you remember it? Okay, so... Have you all... I'm serious. I'm fucking serious! It's getting really good. Look, second... Commitment.

Kid's getting loose. Heck yeah. We've always needed a school shooter comedian. There's a niche for that. I can picture my manager. There's a niche for that. I can picture my manager. There's a real niche for this right now. Yeah.

Hopefully I don't look that creepy. No, dude. We're just fucking with you. Look, man. You're a young man. You just tried stand-up for the first time. It's very admirable.

It's a difficult thing to do. You did a good job, man. For real. For your first time on stage. Thank you very much. You will get looser, more relaxed the more you do it. But it'll probably never make you shit your pants as much as that time. What was the punchline of what you said, though?

Because I was trying to follow and I had no idea what you were saying. Dude, don't make him do it again. I'll do it. I'll do it. I don't give a fuck. No, no, no. What was the part? What were you getting at?

The punchline was it's ridiculous that me and this dude seem similar, because this dude showed me a video of a lady with a straw in her nose who was violently snorting a giant curdled earthworm of cum, and that was it. That was the end. Okay. It's probably best we didn't hear it. That mic going out was your friend Jesus Christ over your shoulder taking care of you. Oh, my God.

Jesus threw an alley-oop from four feet away. Here you go, buddy. You're going to need this. Out audio one. All of a sudden, the main mic is just gone, and then it comes back on. Don't let this discourage you. You can still make it. You just don't tell that joke again.

That's part of the process. Don't let this discourage you. You can still make it. Yeah. You just don't tell that joke again. Okay. It's part of the process. You're going to do a bunch that don't work at all, and you're going to beat your head against the wall until you figure it out. Some people told me not to tell it, and I said, fuck you. Those people were the right people.

You got to listen to them. They're the right people. You're the wrong one. You're crazy. I rationalized it because I was like, they're not fucking comedians. Well, neither am I. Well, everyone that kind of... You did it now.

Technically, you're a comedian. I don't buy into this hierarchy bullshit where people get mad if someone did an open mic night two times and they call themselves a comedian. Because we all know guys that only did open mic nights and they were probably call themselves a comedian because we all know guys that only did open mic nights and they were probably some of the funniest guys we ever knew like for the longest time brian holtzman was one of the funniest guys in l.a and all he ever did was just did spots at

the store you never saw him anywhere else nobody ever knew you know yeah now he closes out the saturday main room and it's amazing it fills up the back of the room with comedians it's incredible how he always had a job you know to try to pretend that he's not a comedian because he never made it strictly as a professional. It's ridiculous. Ari Shaffir was the first person to tell me to start saying that you're a comic. He's like, dude, you do stand-up comedy.

You're a comic. I would never say I was a comic before. I just try doing stand-up comedy. Anybody tries it. I say you're in. I would say so also. You might suck, but you're in. I'm not so also. You might suck, but you're in. I'm not really a brain surgeon, but I try it once in a while.

You can call yourself a comedian. What's the big deal? Doesn't mean they're a good comedian. No. It's a weird thing to freak out about. If you pick up a flute And you start fucking around with it I think you're a flutist

You can't tell me I'm not a flutist Bitch I'm trying I'm working on it right now What are you perfect with your fucking flute shit I'm just really sucky at the flute But as long as I fuck with it I'm a flutist Joe it's floutist Whatever whatever

Floutist The proper French As long as I fuck with it, I'm a flutist. Joe, it's flautist. Whatever, whatever. It's flautist. Flautist. Oh, God. The proper French past part of that. Flautist. Whatever it is. You know what I'm saying, Tom? I know what you're saying.

I kind of disagree. I mean, I remember I was in New York, and this guy, he was a really mean gay guy, and I tried to become friends with him. I said, I heard you were an actor. And he goes, I had done a lot of plays and stuff. He goes, yes. I said, what plays have you been in?

He goes, I haven't been in any plays. But I studied with Uta Hagen. I'm thinking, how can you call yourself an actor? Well, I guess I'm a jet pilot then. I've never flown a plane, but I'm just saying it. That guy was a fucking liar. You stay out of it. You're done. Kobe, thank you so much,

by the way. There you go. He's Kobe Grimes. His first time, everybody. Come on! Starting it off with a bang. Hell yeah. Kobe. Heck yeah. He's on Twitter twitter at Kobe Grimes if any podcast

I would say Kobe if you listen to this you know after this is all over pay attention to what everybody's saying because you're kind of fucking crazy

just settle down bitch get it all together do a yoga class or something yeah you gotta breathe eat a little weed take a breath

don't watch it just listen to it, and just really pay attention to it, and try to show it to your friends, and go, do you understand what I'm saying? I had no idea what you were saying. It was like a ramble the whole time, I thought. I just couldn't hear it, and then

every time I tried for a second, I just didn't want to hear it anymore. It's hard, man. He's the first guy up. It's a very difficult pursuit. Of course. Shall we go for number two, everybody? No, let's bring Toby back.

Your second comedian tonight. Oh, I know this guy. He's a funny guy. He gets on pretty often lately. A funny guy named Tyler Miznarik, everybody. Here he is. I see myself Going right and right

All the way This way Hey, guys. I'll tell you. I don't get the movie Forrest Gump. I do not understand it. I'm just going to be straight with you guys. I'll tell you, I don't get the movie Forrest Gump. I do not understand it. I'm just going to be straight with you guys. Do we know that retarded people fight in Vietnam?

I'm just going to say it. Because I'm pretty sure if your feet were flat enough, you didn't have to go. But somehow the guy who says his name 30 times in three minutes, send him over. Who cares? You know, what's really confusing about that movie, though, is that guy, Forrest Gump, he got a degree from the University of Alabama. He graduated.

And yet, he didn't understand that touchdown meant stop running. I'm saying the dog from Air Bud had a better concept on the game of football than Forrest Gump the man. The craziest part of that movie, though, is he has sex with Jenny one time, gets her pregnant, has a kid, and either him or that kid get AIDS. You guys didn't know that?

That's what Jenny died of. She died of AIDS. You know, I never met a retired person with AIDS. Maybe they're immune. I'm just going to put it out there. Maybe that's what that extra curve... Oh, I didn't even hear the cat on that one. I did it twice even.

Tyler, you tried to talk over the cat, and that doesn't go well. You brought out the bear all the way from West Hollywood. But put your hands together for Tyler Miz miznarik that's some funny that's some funny forrest gump material on the what is it 20 year anniversary of forrest gump uh couldn't be any more topical with your uh choice of boy that truman was a president huh president Truman is the president how long you been doing stand-up about six years that is my favorite Forrest Gump bit I've ever heard I'll tell you that don't get me wrong like that was that was great I didn't I get to tell the end

of it which is it I don't know does it get better oh This guy's trying to fight the bear. Do you have that much confidence in it to take it from here? The joke goes... You want to know what I'm saying? You're bringing out the bear. The bear doesn't have rationale. Go on. The joke goes, I never met a retired person with AIDS. Maybe they're immune.

Maybe that's what that extra chromosome does. It fights AIDS, guys. Again, destiny is stopping you guys from your worst parts He turned the mic off for Kobe. He made he made the bear come out before that If that was your first time on stage that would have been super impressive. But six years you suck. I'm not finished. What I liked about it. I do think it's fucking hilarious that you did Forrest Gump

material. I mean. It's a funny movie. It's a classic. Way to keep your finger on the pulse of what's happening today. But if you have a bit and it's about an old movie, like Forrest Gump, but it's your favorite bit. No, it was a good bit. But I knew after he got into the bit that he was too slick to just be an open-miker.

Yeah, really? What made you... Because he was articulate, and he had timing, and he was too good to be an open mic-er. Interesting. He's a cheating motherfucker. That's one of the cool things about the show. Quite often, there's some people that are in their early starting out time. But there is a few people that are really funny.

Like Tyler, who I've seen do maybe, I don't know, six, seven, eight different one minutes of being on the show. He's got that much time? Yeah, he's got a total of at least seven or eight minutes. After the seventh minute, I start tapering off. Yeah. So sometimes people come on just to work something out

and hang out with us. All right, I didn't mean to be mean. No, no, I know. Too late! No, I love it. Great job, big fan. Love your stuff. I love your stuff I love your going with the wind bit and that Wizard of Oz oh I can't breathe

oh my god why did the munchkin cross the road oh my god Jesus what do you think about this whole thing fuck yeah the lord has spoken Jesus, what do you think about this whole thing? Fuck yeah. The Lord has spoken. That's the 11th commandment when he just chimed right there.

It is weird doing a joke about Forrest Gump nowadays because I mean I don't think I could do one. Even if I were to do a joke about a movie nowadays I don't even know what I would be able to do without even feeling guilty about it. I'm not going to do a Transformers joke because in three months that joke's

going to be the lamest joke ever. It probably never was going to be good in the beginning. Forrest Gump, that's hard to... What the fuck are you rambling about? Oh my god. Forrest Gump's a hard... What made you decide to write a Forrest Gump joke?

I used to... I really liked that movie. I really liked that movie when I was a kid. And it just kind of always threw me, like all those things. But what about a classic like Star Wars? You could do a joke about Star Wars. Yeah, there's certain movies, definitely.

But Forrest Gump just seems a little suspect. But why, though? Why, if Star Wars is classic, if you could do a joke about... You could totally do a joke about Star Trek. If you had a really good joke about Star Trek with William Shatner, old school, you would definitely do it.

Because it's almost guaranteed that everybody in the world has seen Star Wars. And even that's not true. If you're black, you can do a joke about anything. Man, what's up with Chewbacca? Man, that motherfucker's scary as shit. Princess Leia? Yeah, I'll lay the bitch.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. You're right. Now that you said it, black comics can talk about anything. That's amazing. Man, I'm eating frozen food. Defrost the motherfucker.

Come on. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, my brain hurts. Oh my god My brain hurts I'll be here next week with Joey Diaz everybody Come on Boom Thank you Oh my god

Holy shit Tyler you're still here Hey Good job dude Holy shit. All right. Tyler, you're still here. I'm still here. Hey. Good job, dude. Yeah. No, seriously, I really, really do like the bit. And, you know, if you can figure out a way to keep rock and stuff like that, because I think it connects.

I think we all knew the things. I mean, you said that he got a degree from Alabama, but he didn't know to stop for a touchdown. I think that's as American as apple pie. So I think that if you just come across as likable and not like a Dexter villain, you could probably get that happy-go-lucky stuff to work. Like, I'm an evil fuck, but I like to talk about evil things and try to make them funny, you know what I mean? But you gotta go with something.

Good luck, Tyler. Forgot what my point was there at the end, and I tried to go sly by Tony just went deep. What was my point? Oh yeah, Dexter villain. Anyway. Joe, a question that I always ask everybody

on their first time on the show is, was there anything, can you remember anything embarrassing that you did on stage, or not embarrassing, but something that you can't believe that you did when you first started out? One time I was doing okay.

It was like in the early days, I was like real shaky, like a colt just coming out of a vagina. I could have a terrible set at any given moment. I would be doing good, but then something would go wrong and I'd just go right into the tank. I was on stage and I was doing okay. Things were going my way.

I knocked over my drink, but I tried to ignore it. I knocked over my drink but I tried to ignore it I knocked over my drink then I'm like don't even look at it and the audience is like this bitch is scared and those little monkeys they smelled it they yeah this was in Boston which is a just a notoriously hard-ass town it's cold as fuck there in the winter. People don't tolerate any bullshit. And so I've found that there's a lot of places where you can sort of pull yourself out of a ditch in stand-up.

There's towns that'll let you get away with it. There's certain towns where you just don't. Once you start tanking, it's over for you. Fucking, this guy fucking sucks. That horrible accent. And you're done so i went from having a good set doing well to in the shitter all because i knocked over a drink and i just didn't address it wow i was panicked how much time did you have left when i have no i no recollection was it a while that you just pretended wasn't good but you know the whole audience saw you knock over the drink.

Oh, death. Those jokes that normally work just didn't work. I said them the same way. I had the same pause, but I was scared. I love that you were knocking over drinks back then also. I'm very ape-like in my movements. Not that precise. Wow.

That's so funny because, you know, like, I guess maybe people don't, maybe listeners or audience members don't know, but not acknowledging something that happens that everybody can see is such a big deal. Yeah, well, that's why when people say you should just ignore hecklers, like, oh, you're crazy. Right. You're crazy. We're going to pretend someone's not just screaming something? hecklers. Like, oh, you're crazy. You're crazy. We're going to pretend someone's not just screaming something? The whole agreement that you have with an audience

is, what the heckler's doing is violating the agreement. It's not saying that everybody should have to shut the fuck up and one person should have to be the person who gets to talk. But when you do stand-up, that's the only way it works. And the only time any banter

can be possible at all is if the audience is super cool. And the only time any banter can be possible at all is if the audience is super cool. And then it makes for a fun time. And it's not just like a heckler. It's you having a conversation with people. But when someone yells something out and disrupts, you have to address it. It's unfortunate.

It's like a violation in the little agreement. The agreement is we try to write as much shit as we can, try to come up with crazy ideas, try to figure out a way that we piece them together to make you see what we're seeing. And when someone throws their bullshit into that, it fucks up what you're trying to create for everybody else in the room. Exactly. And it just

gets weird. Even if I don't hear what a heckler says exactly, but I know that the rest of the audience heard it, like you make a judgment call in your head, I'll go, what? But normally I'll hear what they say, but I'll even the rest of the audience heard it. Like, you make a judgment call in your head. I'll go, what? But normally I'll hear what they say, but I'll even bring it back up. If I hear a heckler, like, sort of chime,

and I'm like, you know, what are we doing here? Are we going for it? Yeah, exactly. Because if I was quiet at the time, it would have been a pure heckle that I would have been able to hear, but only I didn't hear it. One of the cool things about being Joe,

compared to a regular comedian, is not only is he witty, but he I didn't hear it. One of the cool things about being Joe compared to a regular comedian is not only is he witty, but he could beat the fuck out of anybody. I'm always around people that could beat the fuck out of me. My other job, constantly around dudes who could fuck me anytime they want. I'm always

surrounded by trained killers. Yeah, wow. Me being in shape is just trying to maintain as long as possible from being raped in a worst-case scenario type situation. You got to think about something else. I'm more defensive than offensive is what I'm trying to say. I don't think any comedian could beat you in a fight.

I think you could probably beat me in a fight. Me? I love you too much. Aww. I let you beat me up. Joe. Me? I wouldn't let you. I love you too much. Aww. I let you beat me up. Joe Rogan and Dom Irere are here. They're making babies. I take a beating.

Dom, I already asked you. I tried to talk you out of it. What your thing that you regretted was, right? On another episode? You want to remind this crowd? No, I don't want to be ostentatious or pretentious or pedantic or didactic, but I've got to say, I honestly have never had a bad set or a bad moment on stage.

What I would consider bombing, most comedians would consider killing. That's my sad tale. No, I don't know. I love it. It's true. One time, my cousin Johnny, and this is not a bit,

he was like, I was doing a thing, charity, my mom worked at a hospital, and this guy wasn't laughing, and Johnny wanted to fight him for not laughing. The fuck are you not laughing at? But that wasn't a professional gig. Do you think that growing up on the East Coast, in that harder environment, some more wild environment, like Philly, you grew up in Philly,

I grew up in Boston, like there's something about that East Coast comedy, like learning how to do comedy there, if you can get through that, you come out to the West Coast, people are so much more relaxed. I mean, their heckles are softer. I mean, you know, you were talking about Boston,

and I thought of Nick's immediately. And I begged Jonathan Katz one time to come up on a third show Friday night. And it's all fucking these tough Irish kids and Italians. All the gangsters and police made love at that place. And John Katz, he says, I don't want to work a third show. They booed the back of his bald head. He didn't even get on stage yet. They're, boo, boo you fucking

bald-headed faggot. They hadn't even been up yet. And so what he did was, they're fucking screaming at him, and he turns to the mic and goes, precisely, and then walks off the stage. I had one comedian tell me about the craziest time

he got heckled. And then we'll move on because I pulled another name. But this great comic, or I mean a good comic buddy who's a great writer, he once told me this story about how he had this big showcase and it was a sold-out crowd and he got up on stage. And he didn't get heckled from any loud person in the back or anything like that. It was the guy in the front row just whispering, You suck. And he knew that only he could hear it, and he's doing his stand-up.

I mean, the guy's literally in the front row. Every time he would breathe in, because you just have to inhale as a comedian, he would just hear, You're terrible. And he would just change it up and do all these different things. And he's like, it was a seven-minute showcase set for something big. You know, we'll say The Tonight Show or whatever. And he goes, you know, he's doing it every time. And I'm two minutes in, and I'm ignoring him.

And I'm three minutes in, and I'm ignoring him. And I know nobody else can hear it. And I'm having a good set. But I'm having such a good set that five minutes in, you know, I take a breath in. And he goes, no, seriously, you're the worst. And that's when I go, you son of a bitch!

Why are you whispering to me? And the rest of the crowd's like, who the fuck are you talking to? And then all of a sudden he's getting heckled by everybody. I had a gig. Didn't get the thing because he acknowledged the whisper. It's if everybody else hears it that it's a real fucking zing. But it's psychological warfare.

The guy in the front goes, you're never going to get it. I had a guy clutching his chest. I did a gig. These women, they had the stars, the dot and the saris. I don't know if they're Pakistani or Indian. But I said to the guy who booked me, I go, you sure you want me to do my act? it's just what you did on HBO

I'll change it, I'll make it cleaner he goes nah, fuck it I had women crying not laughing, crying and the guy goes I said something about a cow and I forgot the cow was sacred he goes you don't talk that way in front of my people

and they're all fucking screaming and shit because you said fat fucking cow yeah but I mean I told the guy I said I don't think they want to see my act I never had people dress like this in an audience and I remember everything went like it was like you were at the Berkalan

everything went in slow motion I just remember like fucking peeling off the stage and the guy handed me $2,500 like it was a baton. And Kim, I was going out with Kim and I jumped in the fucking car and we got away.

Wow. And that's why I don't do stand up anymore. No, but it was... So just saying fat fucking cow. But I didn't think, I forgot the cow

was sacred to these. Wow. That's like talking about your God. That's incredible. All right. Guys, your next comedian

is ready to go and her name is... That's an incredible reaction. Huh? I'm sorry. That's an incredible reaction. Yeah. They'd freak out

about you saying something like that. Just cow. But that cow's like their thing, right? Where were you again? It's their guy. But I was thinking

the guy was going don't say this he was like breathing I thought he was holding his heart I mean it is weird for the religion of revolver on an animal

I mean even if it is dumb as fuck like I mean it's an animal it's so dumb right it's one of the craziest ideas ever

when would we let that go people starving and they won't eat the fucking big what if it was a frog it's true isn't it what if they worshipped a When would we let that go? People starving and they won't eat the fucking big fucking... What if it was a frog? It's true, isn't it? What if it was a frog? What if they worshipped a frog? Would we think they were fucked then? If they were really into

frogs, they worshipped a frog, you'd be like, whoa. But a cow, you're like, oh, you know. That's their thing. Well, you could get high off the frog, so you could get high off your god. It would be way more interesting. You get high from frogs, too, dude. That's what I said. Or you get high off the frog, so you could high off your god. It would be way more interesting. You get high from frogs, too, dude. That's what I said.

Or you get high from the cow, too, because cow shit, that's where the mushrooms grow. Oh, yeah. They believe it. That's the connection, the reason why they think that cows are sacred. Well, it's fertilizer. Because of mushrooms? Yes, absolutely, because of psilocybin. Well, in that case, I sort of believe in that shit, then.

How did you tie it back? That is beautiful. That's what it's supposed to be about. That's the whole reason why they cattle worshipped and Chaktohiyuk or whatever the fuck it is. It was one of the oldest known civilizations and they were all cattle worshippers. And they were all in this area

where psilocybin mushrooms grew. Wow, mushrooms are the root of that. That's like nine degrees of Kevin Bacon, but the mushrooms version. The cow is sacred. We can't eat the cow, but the cow poop is amazing. Yeah, by the way,

what I said, like facts and specifics might not be accurate at all. All right. Just want you to know. Guys, we got to get your next comedian up here. As I heard it once said

at a marijuana smoking party. Up next is 60 Seconds, the comedy stylings of Melanie Baldonado. All right. 60 Seconds, the comedy stylings of Melanie Baldonado. Melanie Baldonado is here, everybody. Right behind you. Right behind you. Thank you.

Right behind you. Right behind you. You know you hate your job when you're always barely late. You just can't get there on time. It's as if all the forces of the universe reach out in the morning to keep you from getting there. The first force, the snooze button. Because all anyone's ever asked for in the morning is, just give me ten more minutes. And that bitch gave you nine.

That's why you make up the difference, hit it twice. It's awful. I used to work in retail. Retail is the only job where you get paid to get all dressed up as if you have somewhere to go but it doesn't pay you enough to go anywhere there was a brush fire two miles from my job at one point and I was really worried

because I was thinking on one hand I could really use this job and on the other hand I always wanted to be the one to burn that place down. It's rough. I don't know. I feel like that's a minute. There you go. You got it. That's right. That was one minute.

Where'd you used to work in retail? I used to work at a place called, can I say it? I guess I don't work there anymore, so why not? Tory Burch. Oh my God, you threw them under the bus. I can't believe you did that. I don't know.

I love Tory Burch. Do you? No, I don't even know her. He loves Women's Handbag. Sounds like a child actor. What is that? That's a store? It's a store.

What's it called again? Tory Burch. Doesn't that sound like a child actor for some reason? What is that? That's a store? It's a store. What's it called again? Corey Birch. Doesn't that sound like a child actor for some reason? Someone that went terribly wrong. So what's that person's story? They came up with the store. What are they selling there? She sells overpriced handbags, shoes, tunics that look like they're from India.

I mean, they're like nice things, but at the same time, it's like, oh, really? Do you guys really not pay $600 for this? And some people do. People buy that stuff. What are those people like? Some of them are really nice, and I like them, but then a lot of them are foreigners.

So they come in, and they drop a lot of cash, but they also demand the bigger logo because she did a smaller logo, and then they would get mad at me because we didn't have the bigger logo. What's your least favorite kind of foreigner? I feel like I just saw a cat step in front of a mouse and go,

no, it's okay. I'll tell you, but it's not. It's just my encounter, okay? And it's not the whole entire race. Okay, Filipinos from Manila. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. It's the greatest disclaimer I've ever heard. What good could come out of this?

Wait, can you repeat that again? Did you just say you're speaking for everybody when you say blank? No, I'm just saying specifically, in my experience, Filipinos from Manila. Wow. Are you alienating an entire gigantic city in the

South Pacific? That might be the craziest shit I've ever heard. What kind of a database are you drawn from? I mean, I would think you need to meet a lot of fucking Filipinos before you make such a snap judgment. I would say like millions of them. Like there's a lot of them.

You got to be fucking sure. What's their downfall? What is it about the exact city of Manila? Right? Can't just be saying that. Well, one, we would always have to ask them where they were from okay and they were always like the people who would sit down and start pointing at things and ask you to bring them down for them or just like can you get me this

it's like what are you talking about that's a whole shelf of things what are you talking aren't they really short can't they just not reach look at her she's she's reliving it with anger why do you make me? What? What are you talking about? Sometimes I like to throw curveballs like this because I think that there's... If you've got some sort of handicap or if you're blind, but if you don't have any of that, you can go and pick

your own stuff and tell me what you like. Don't sit on the couch and start pointing as if I'm your slave. I think we would have to be there in your shoes to understand what the fuck you're talking about. However, I thought your retail joke was funny. That was funny. Thank you. About you dress up, but you can't afford to go anywhere

because they pay you shit. That's funny. I laughed. Thank you. It's true. It's kind of fucked, really, when you think about it. I hate Cambodians. No, he did say that.

I don't know why you've been thinking about that for three and a half minutes just sitting on it I can relate to you thank you well see that's what I was going to say I asked a few questions there and one thing that did come up

that I think is interesting that you could add to your retail things i noticed you changed directions pretty quickly after that is you could talk about that retail place that you were just telling us about and you can say that you know look i mean the thing that you said where you prefaced about the race thing in my opinion is one of my favorite it was one of the funniest things i've heard all night where you go, you know, I mean I've had a, I can't remember how you worded it. Luckily this is a podcast so you'll be able to listen

back on it. But you said something like, you know, I mean, just something I've noticed was that, I mean, you had an answer right away. So you're very passionate about your dislike for Filipinos from Manila. I mean, it was so dead on. It hit me harder

than... The 60 seconds was good, but that hit me like something that you have a real opinion about that people might be interested in. And it's not such a... It's not like it's a hate speech if you go into funny stuff afterwards, you know? Does that make sense?

Am I crazy? No, totally. It makes sense. She should be allowed to say it. You have a lot of passion behind it. If I was Filipino, I'd be mad as fuck. But what if you're not from Manila? Extremely proud.

That's what I'm saying. But if you're Filipino and not from Manila, you're like, yeah, fuck them. This is... Good point. It's a very good point. You know non-Manila Filipinos have to hate Manila Filipinos. Yeah, but they hate white people way more. They are really cool. And Filipino Americans are

awesome. They like so nice Super friendly They're the best pool players in the world Did you know that? No I'm telling you they are Efren Reyes The greatest pool player arguably of all time Filipino

Manny Pacquiao is one of the most likable guys Every time I see him on TV he's singing karaoke for some reason Every Filipino I've ever met Is like super friendly They're some of the most likable guys. Every time I see him on TV, he's singing karaoke for some reason. Every Filipino I've ever met is super friendly. They're some of the most friendly, family-oriented people. See how many good things... Look at that second Titus.

That's amazing. Who's the first Titus? There's a lot of different kinds of Asian people, so that's an amazing statistic. Vietnamese. Yeah, but it's from ages 8 to 12. That's why they won that war. Oh, you motherfucker. Had to ruin a moment. How dare you.

But you guys found the good in Filipinos. I can't find anything good about fucking Cambodians. Fuck the Cambodians, I'm saying. I'm sorry, honestly, that you ran into a bunch of people that poorly represented Filipino people. But I can't think of, like, if I had to pick one race that was almost universally friendly,

Filipino people. Oh, yeah. What race are you, by the way? Really, like, friendly, nice-spirited people But I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this real quick. Wait, what is that? What race are you?

My father's Italian, and my mother is Hispanic, three versions of Hispanic. Oh. A racist family. What is exactly Hispanic? It gets divided. My mother's father is Basque.

100%. That's like Sicilian. I forgot. I don't like them either. I don't like Basque people. They're such assholes. I forget who I am. A bunch of different Latin countries. Well, there's only a few for me.

Spanish and Mexican on the mom's side and Basque, which is like all Hispanics want to fight against each other. Every Hispanic in this room knows this. I don't know why. But that's just a fact. I saw a dude with a t-shirt on and said I'm not Hispanic, I'm Mexican. And I got confused as fuck. I was like, are we getting are we micromanaging this shit? What's going on, people? Hispanic, I'm Mexican. I got confused as fuck.

I was like, are we micromanaging this shit? What is going on, people? There's this Latin title and there's Hispanic and I'm under the umbrella of Hispanic because it's not 100% Latin. I'm not 100% South American because my grandfather is Basque so I have to say Hispanic or someone will correct me and they'll let

me know that I'm not Latin. I think I'm Latin too, right? That's part of it. I don't know. I'm not Latin. Oh, wow. That's so crazy. I think I'm Latin, too, right? Like, that's part of it. I don't know. What else are you? I don't follow all the rules. My dad's Italian. Oh.

Hey. How many times have you... Is that what that question was for? For you to go A at the end? That part's fucking with you. Trust me. The Italian? Yeah, that part.

Look at this guy. He's very aggressive. Yeah. Yeah. Is that the blood boiling? It's Italians. They're crazy people. Yeah. They come from a the blood boiling? It's Italians. They're crazy people. Yeah.

They come from a mad monkey people that lived on a rock somewhere. That's what they are. I've never been with an Italian girl. That's my people. You've been with an Italian girl? I got rid of those when I was young. I cut that off at an early age.

I was like, one of these things is not like the other. Yeah. I remember that show. They're too hairy for me. They just swing at you and shit. They what? They'll fucking swing at you.

Oh, yeah, exactly. Not all of them. I'm not generalizing. Just the ones that were willing to fuck me at the time. Oh, yeah. They are crazy. They're all swinging at me, too. And that's like...

Crazy bitches. They are. That's an Italian thing. Savages. Dom Ibera. look at him here. Dom, yeah. It's a product. Italian people.

Look, don't get me wrong. They make awesome food, and their cars are pretty. Yeah. Really, really smart, creative people. There's a lot of great shit about... Great artists. I love it. A lot of Italians are great people.

The women are just too... Well, you're an avatare. I can't handle it. Three quarters. Have you ever punched a guy? No. One quarter average. Really?

Okay, that's not true. I was asleep, and I was having a bad dream, and I swung, and I didn't realize that I was swinging in real life, and I punched him in the stomach, and it was really sad because he's one of the nicest guys I've ever dated, and I felt so wrong. Just in the stomach? What is he, a pussy? Like, just totally just punched him in the stomach. If a girl hits you as hard as she can in the stomach, how hard would that be from a laying position?

Did he whine about it? I have no idea. The look on his wall. What kind of ferocious ground and pound do you have, sister? I'm not going to sign you up. Was this Josh Martin? So you ground and pounded him with some sort of a ridge hand type? I think I actually kind of came around and downed him.

I doubt you did. I have no idea how it came. You threw it. I will tell you based on what I know about the human body that that wouldn't be happening. All I know is that I felt my fist hit his stomach and I woke up and his eyes were popping out of his head. And I was like, oh shit. Did you get turned on by the moment? Like shit just got crazy his hand, I was like, and I was like, oh shit. Did you get turned on by the moment?

Like, shit just got crazy? Oh my God, no, I felt so bad. Just a little stirrup out of nowhere, bitch,

I'm tired of your bullshit. Oh my God, I can't believe, I thought I was dreaming of hitting you. Holy shit. So crazy, I was in that

dreamlike state in the morning when you wake up because you have to pee. It was awful. You just wailed him right in the liver. If he had broken up with me, I would have understood. I looked at his face and was like, oh my God, it's over. It was awful. He just wailed him right in the liver. If he had broken up with me,

I would have understood. I looked at his face and was like, You would have understood. Oh, my God. I totally was like, this relationship's done. Oh, my God.

What did he say? Well, he didn't say that much because he was hurting. This guy sounds like a real pushover. He didn't say anything at first. Sounds like a real pushover. The first thing you said

was he's super nice. He is what he was. It's like, what kind of douchebag is this guy? What is he, Mr. Polite? Just goes around thanking people for nothing? Yeah, I like nice guys, okay? So what? Thank you, thank you. Oh, hello. Good day. How are you? Please don't punch me in the stomach. I'm trying to get some sleep.

Oh, shit. I just buried her ex-boyfriend. He's got a point there. He really does have a point. He wasn't a fighter. He was a golfer. I mean, he's a nice guy. Hell no! Are you guys booing golfing? What the fuck happened?

Only miniature. It's miniature or nothing. You take it serious? Fuck you. Out there chasing your score, you fucking asshole. I'm under par. He was super nice. That translates to small freckled cock. Hey, anybody else hungry?

Small freckled cock. A little peckish How many times have you done stand up? How many times? I'm in my fourth year Oh your fourth, okay, sorry How long have you been doing it would be a better question I'm sorry Do you do it a lot? How often do you do it?

I try to get up four to five times a week Oh wow, is that hard to do? Yeah, if it's not a bar show or a show then I try to get on a mic somewhere. And did you start in L.A.? I did. Yeah, I'm from north of here by an hour or so. It was like logical, but not the smartest move.

Look, you can make us laugh for sure. You'll get better at it. Do you record yourself? That's one of the best tools. Record your sets, go back and listen to it. You know, and it's hard to be critical but you have to be,

you have to like not like it. You have to like not like it and then you have to figure out the new ways to do it and then you like, you want to hate those old recordings but it's really important. Recording yourself,

hugely important and being like really critical of your set is really important. But you got the most important part. I mean, you made me laugh. It's funny. Heck yeah. Thanks so much.

Melanie Baldonado, everybody. She's on Twitter at MelanieBComedy. Thank you so much, Melanie. I love that Filipino shit. I feel like a reverse Simon Cowell. It's like if Simon actually helped people instead of just being a British dude. Oh, no good.

That was the worst British accent ever. You've been working with Red Band too long. He's starting to fuck with your head, son. You've got to cleanse yourself of him. You need to drink spring water and go on a walk. Spring water? Clean your fucking head, son. I love it.

Is there ever a worse English accent? I get confused with Piers Morgan. Am I right? Simon is English, right? Yeah. Piers Morgan is the guy that used to be on CNN to do the uncomfortable interviews. Yeah.

And then Simon is the guy who's on American Idol that mostly thinks people suck. Yeah. There's a lot of British people taking the American jobs, man. Isn't it funny, though, that it's fascinating when someone's mean like that? I mean, that guy was hosting

American Idol. With a British accent, though. They created it, though. CNN, that's America's News. America's News and American Idol. Oh, hello, welcome to America. It's like it doesn't make any sense. It's not the same show.

You're getting confused. But I mean, I'm saying that's even crazier. Yeah. CNN is another show. Why're getting confused. But I mean, I'm saying that's even crazier. American Idol is one show, and CNN is another show. Why are all the American American red, white, and blue shows being hosted by English guys? It's like they're getting their revolutionary... Black helicopters. The nation is at

sleep right now, and the time will rise when the internet lets the world know what the fuck is going down. Black helicopters, Tony Hinchcliffe. Alien babies. Implants. The NSA. The documents. Chemtrails.

Bigfoot was a CIA implant. They put him in the desert to lure out susceptible hikers. I didn't know about any of this. I didn't know black helicopters were a thing until right now. It's very important to know. You've got to protect yourself from the chemtrails.

You've got to wear special hoodies. You've got to get hoodies that are... Is that what they do? Yeah, you've got to have... It's got to be all cotton. Chemtrail absorbing. All cotton will absorb the chemtrails. That nylon stuff, it just slides right off you and into your pants.

Let's get another comedian up here, everybody. He goes by the name of Brad Sacks. I'm a nigga, nigga, like how you figure. Getting niggas and fucking bitches. She rollin' switches for her bitches. I pull my niggas, they get him in. I pull the nigger, she got my licorice. I let her lick it.

They say money make a nigga. Hey, everybody from deep in the lobby. Brad Sacks made it. I'm on the drones like I'll be fucking bored. I'm trying to dive the bitch out. Have a fucking pause. Peace. Hi, guys.

Sorry about that. I ran in here. Sorry. I always wanted to get a personalized license plate on my car. You know where you pay to put something on your plate? I saw a cool one in Hollywood. This dude had rum and coke as his plate. I was like, that is fucking cool.

I'd kill to have a mixed drink on my plate. My very next thought was, you've got to be the dumbest motherfucker in the world to put rum and coke. You might as well put kid in trunk. It's the same thing. You ever had anybody call you by the wrong name and they do it so many times,

after a while you just give in and you go with whatever they're calling you? That's happening to me right now. There's this guy that always calls me Russell and my name's Brad. And he's always excited. He's like, hey, Russell, come here, Russell. Good to see you, Russell. Over here, Russell.

Sit down, Russell. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I'm like, yo, dude, just call me Russ. It's cool. That's all I got, guys. I don't want to go over my time. 57 seconds of Man Thunder from Brad Sacks. That was funny, dude. Thanks, man. Thank you. How long have you been doing that? 57 seconds of Man Thunder from Brad Sacks.

That was funny, dude. Thanks. Thank you. How long have you been doing that? About three or four years. How often? I mean, I try to get out every night. Wow.

Yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah, I probably could be writing more, but I try to get up a lot. Both are important, man. You could be writing a lot more. You didn't make it to a minute. He was trying to be considerate, Dominic. You got three seconds to kill.

You are right, sir. It was great. Time did perfect. That's a true sign of a professional. Now, Brad, we've talked to you before and you've mentioned in a couple bits that you have a wife and we haven't seen you in a few months. How's that been going? Are you still together?

Yeah, we're still together. I actually have big news, guys. Oh, what's the big news? We are having a child. Whoa! No, no. She's having a child. I'm sorry.

What are you fucking doing? You shitted in her? I saw that on your podcast You talked about that One time I think this is setting something up Wait a second, O.H. You

In the last time we saw you The last two times You were talking about How you don't think You want to get married How you Like, did she listen to any of this? No, no, no

Is that why you're having a baby? Or, I mean No, no, no I just I actually After doing these, I kind of really thought about it. I thought about my relationship. Wow. Is she here right now?

What's going on? I love this. No, no. I'm trying to figure out if this is a bit. No, it's not. He was talking about, just a month ago, about how he doesn't want to get married. This was like seven or eight, nine months ago.

Shit changes in a couple of days. It's amazing. I like that you said after doing this show, it's like, you know, after doing a minute of comedy, I thought, I got a lot of time on my hands. Maybe I'll have a baby. Yeah. Well, congratulations.

Thanks, now. Brad Sachs. There's going to be a Mrs. Sacks and it's because of your sack. You just knocked her up. Now you don't have a choice. No choice. How does she feel about being a Mrs. Sacks? Your name is really Sacks. Sacks, yeah.

As in ball sacks. For those of you that aren't completely getting. Let me ask you this, Russell. Yes, sir. Russell. There's a callback, for Christ's sake. Wow. Brad, how far along is she? I got literally three weeks to a month, and she's going to deliver. Baby girl.

A girl. Wait a second. It's a month away? Yeah. It's been that long since I was on the show. Oh my god. She's at eight months? Yes, sir. Now, did you try all the things at the beginning? The thing and the microwave popcorn

a lot and stuff like that? What? What does that do? Let me ask you this. Do you think the baby is going to take on your look at all? That Ghostbusters 2 bad guy? Oh, Viggo! That look that you have going on? It's possible. Viggo, come alive!

Viggo! It could be. You have the face of a comedian, sir. Don't let him fuck with you. Of course, definitely. He definitely has the face of a comedian, sir. Don't let him fuck with you. Of course, definitely. He definitely has the face of a comedian. How dare you. Brad knows what's up. Congratulations.

Your daughter is going to be one funny baby. Thank you. You're a funny guy, Brad. Hopefully that Jim Carrey's... It'd be great if she wasn't really pregnant and just doing that to get attention. Stranger things.

Stranger things have happened. It's been eight months. That's crazy. He's trying to tell you how long this has been on the show. I'm having a fucking baby. That's how long it's taken me. Brad, congratulations. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

What's the biggest change that you've made since finding out that there's going to be a new Saks in the family? I would probably say the biggest change is I've been eating a lot more medical cannabis since I found out.

No, I'm just kidding. I started to save more money, of course. That's something I... Wait, were you really kidding or was that the truth coming out? I do both. I do both.

Simultaneously. Well, then next time, don't do the laugh and say I was kidding. Follow through with it. I got a groan here. Oh, whatever. You gave up on it.

You're just... The changes that happen from things are things that you can talk about that will be therapeutic for you, especially now that you're about to go through all that crazy shit. Yeah. It's true. So have fun with it. I can't believe I didn't know that you're having a baby, Brad.

Who's the godfather going to be? Hint, hint. No, I'm kidding. I don't want to be a godfather. I wouldn't even know what that has to do with. I just heard the music and I thought it'd be a funny place to go. But Brad, I'm going to get another comedian up here. Thank you so much.

Brad Sachs. He's on Twitter at Brad Sachs. That's S-A-C-H-S for you listeners out there following along. Oh, how fun. Should we get one more up before the regulars? Let's do one more before the regulars. All right. Normally, we would move on to our two lovely regulars,

but instead, we're going to pull one more name since so many people came out and traveled so far. You guys are a great crowd, by the way. Heck yeah, you are. Put your hands together for you. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Dennis Wilson, everybody. Spider-Man.

Just whatever. Spider-Man. In the web. Anytime. Catch me. Just like light. Look out. Here comes Spider-Man.

What's up? Oh, nothing, man. It's always one. It's always one. It's always one. Yeah. I'm from Los Angeles. I'm from South Central Los Angeles.

It's pretty dangerous out there. Once it was a murder right across the street from my elementary school. And we stayed out there and detectives came out and threw a chalk line around the body. And the next day I seen two girls playing hopscotch. from our elementary school. And we stayed out there, and detectives came out and threw a chalk line around the body. And the next day, I seen two girls playing hopscotch on his head. I once got arrested for identity theft. I was a horrible criminal.

I bought a... Identity theft is all right, as long as you don't draw attention to yourself. I bought a Cadillac with no problem. Because apparently black people buy Cadillacs. But the next day they called the police on me. Because I guess black people don't buy patio furniture. I want... I want... patio furniture. I once used the guy's identity to rent an apartment. I didn't do anything but rent an apartment. One day he showed up yelling and told me, come out of there. I want what's mine.

So I gave him his mail. Wow, Dennis Wilson. So funny. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up, Dennis? Four years. It's good to see you back, man. I'm glad you made it out to Pasadena.

I took a long break. I got discouraged. I took like an eight, nine-year break. Because my girls were sick. So I took an eight, nine-year break to take care of her. How long did you do it before that? Four years. Four years and you're back four years.

Yeah, yeah. I had like an eight-year break. So I just came back. I came back in 2010. Came back in 2010. And I left in 97. I can in 2010. And I left in 97. I can tell you how long I left because I remember Joe. And you had a great Supra.

Oh, damn. Wow. He's got a Supra. That's old school, dude. I'll never forget that because I wanted a great Supra so bad. God damn, I love that car. Yeah, you were the only dude I knew had one. Should have kept that fucking thing

Yeah I'm a big fan I'm a big fan of Kill Tony I came out tonight with Joe Rogan Because Joe Rogan done something that a lot of people do I appreciate you putting a guy from my neighborhood Freeway Rick on your show I love Freeway Rick The great Rick Ross

The true Rick Ross He's not either. That's the beautiful thing about him. Thank you very much. Heck yeah. Thank you, sir. He's funny, right? First of all, I love you.

I wish you the best. Thank you for taking care of your daughter. There's nothing funny I could say just good luck and best wishes oh god you got big hands you can palm a basketball right Oh shit. Oh shit. No P. Didn't.

We work together. No P. Didn't. Fuck yeah. Dennis Wilson. All right. He just comes in, slaughters and is out. I love it.

He's on Twitter at DJ. That's really I love it. He's on Twitter at DJ... That's really funny, man. He's on Twitter at DJSunsetBLVD. DJSunsetBoulevard. You know what? Let's just do another quick one. Let's do it. We got in and out with him quick.

That was fun. Let's knock out one more. That's the way to do it, right? Put your hands... Wait, what? I said that's the way to do it, right? Hit it hard, cracked it. No fat. Left. Bam. Sometimes, though, you can way to do it, right? Hit it hard, cracked it. No fat, left, bam.

Sometimes, though, you can dig into these people and you'll find magic, though. Oh, yeah, I could guess. The Manila fucking internet service right now must be off the chain. Fucked with the wrong people hooker. Oh, there we go. Your next meeting goes by the name of

at Brick and Bullets. your next meeting goes by the name of at brick and bullets I know this guy oh yes I know this guy too brick and bullets is that what you signed up as? yeah put your hands together for brick and bullets everybody here you go

thank you so I started off live relatively early Let's go for brick and bullets, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. So I started off life relatively early as a stepchild. And not only that, I'm double cursed being a redheaded stepchild. The universe being funny presents me with my own redheaded stepchild. Now that I've been on both sides, I understand it a little better. It's like having a stepchild, loving your stepchild is like loving turkey bacon. You only love it because somebody else tells you you have to. You go to the doctor, the doctor's like, you've got high cholesterol. You better try that turkey bacon. Your woman's like, you like this sweet pussy right here. You better at least act like you love my kid.

Plus, plus, plus, your stepkids, they don't smell like your real kids. They don't smell like your real kids. They smell like turkey bacon. I'm just saying it's different. I'm just saying. Then you go kiss them goodbye, and they're a little extra salty,

and you're like, damn. Devin eating chips all day? That's it. I got it. Bricks and bullets. That's it. Good job, buddy. Heck yeah.

Thank you. How many times have you been on stage? This is it. I knew it. First time, guys. That was your first time? I knew it. Wow. First time, guys. That was your first time? Yes, sir. Wow.

That was really good. That's really good, man. For a first time, that's very impressive. Thank you. That's awesome. I support that. What you did was the art of saying fucked up shit to get a laugh. And it's an art, you know?

And you got to know when a dude's a real legit psychopath or saying something fucked up because it's funny. And there's a fine line there you walk in. You never know. But those guys are like some of my favorite comedians ever. They made that art of saying fucked up shit. Like, you know, the guy doesn't really mean most of the shit he's saying, but it's funny to say fucked up shit. Like, you know the guy doesn't really mean most of the shit he's saying, but it's funny to say fucked up shit.

And people, like, it's a real problem when people would take something that you would say at full face value and say, well, these are statements he's making, right? Absolutely. You're probably a very nice guy. Yeah, I try to be. So you're just trying to say fucked up shit. Just trying to get people to enjoy themselves. I love it.

I love it. How long did you prepare that minute for did you know that you wanted to come here to start or like were you gonna no i had actually uh it had been a concept in my head for a while and it's actually there's a lot more flesh to it i just chopped it down for this probably six weeks or so so dark dude it's hilarious it's funny but I'm like oh shit they don't smell like your kids so it's funny man it's funny dude it's dark it's dark you went deep good that

was hilarious you better I'm sorry I On the last Thunderpussy, you yelled that out as a topic, too. Who was the person? I forget. Jerry. It was hilarious. Congratulations, man, for your first time. Yeah, that was very, very good. Really good job.

Definitely. Is it at Brick and Bullets? Is that right? Bricks. Bricks and Bullets. Especially for such? Bricks. Bricks and Bullets. Especially for such a dark subject, man. That was really good. Dom, what do you got for Bricks and Bullets?

Lugats. What, you don't speak Italian? Oh, what, do you speak Cambodian? What the fuck? Goodness. I can't believe what's going on here. I honestly think that that was amazing

for the first time you were on stage. Thank you very much. I mean, I know that you do theater in the round, which doesn't have a stage, but I gotta hand it to you.

I mean, for me, it's like, I would have thought it was your second time on stage. Come on. I had to come in with a zinger. It was good.

You're so much nicer than me. I realize after sitting here with you, you're kinder and more gentle. I'm sorry. Who the fuck am I to cut up people? I don't know. I wish you the best, man. But it's funny.

Keep doing it. Bricks and Bullets, congratulations, man. That was so much fun. He's on Twitter at Bricks and Bullets, popping his Kill Tony cherry. And his shirt's available on your mom's house podcast.com. And no bullshit,

because it could go horribly wrong for him at any moment from here on for the rest of his comedy career. But that's a stellar start. Is that how you say it starts? I mean, imagine. Did you start off dirty right away? I started off dirty right away.

Oh, yeah. Doug Stanhope and you really influenced my first set and it was just dirty immediately. Well, I think that when you're starting out,

man, you don't know anything else. You know about fingering each other and shit. You're 20 years old. What the fuck do you know? You don't know shit.

What, are you going to go up there and tell people about life? Bitch, shut the fuck up. You're 20 years old. But if you're 20 years old and you got a crazy blowjob joke, people

will laugh. And you don't have anything else that's really relevant to talk about other than dirty shit. I felt like my first set, though, I felt like I had to go as dirty and as extreme as possible just because of you guys. Sorry. Did you

go dirty? I wasn't influenced by them as much as I was influenced by the other guys that were in the town. And Boston was a town that was like really, like the comedy was, they were trying to go really clean. A lot of guys were trying to go really clean. So I was always really insecure about doing dirty jokes. So I probably tried to morph my act into something that other people liked for a little bit. I don't know how long I did that for, but even into

my second year, I was still trying to be clean. I just couldn't do it. What do you say when people say when you're dirty, you're cheating? I figured out a long time ago that those are people that I don't want to talk to. So I just go, whatever, whatever. Saying

bad words and talking about real shit is somehow or another, it's out of the intellectual reach. What is it? It's the place where you don't go. It's dirty. Why? Because Nabisco says so. You're selling crackers on the Tonight Show you goofy fuck. It's ridiculous. Because it's easier,

it's harder to be brilliant dirty like Robert Schimmel or somebody like that because you're thinking, fuck. Anybody can do this twat, but to make it really incredible, you know who Robert Schimmel is? Anybody? Yeah. And he had the best fucking dirty jokes

ever. First comic ever saw live. He was a sweetheart of a guy. You know what my favorite thing is, Dom, is a black dirty comic because anything they say dirty. Stank a pussy. Man, that pussy was funky. Woo, baby.

I said, mama, you got to wash that pussy. At the end of every episode of the show. Diabetes. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's my favorite. What is that again? How does it go? What do you say?

You don't remember it? Well, you know, it's in my act. I don't do my act. I actually remember. I know. Seven. About... How do I remember your bit? The setups without punchlines. Wait, wait, wait. Sevens. About, uh... What the fuck? It's like, uh...

How do I remember your bit? The setups without punchlines. Oh. I was at the bus stop the other day. Bus didn't come. Why they call it a motherfucking bus stop when the bus ain't even stopping? What's up with that?

Then the diabetes line comes. Like you can do with anything. I was at the restaurant the other day. I said to the waiter, bitch, hoe, give me a motherfucker. She said, mother, a cup of carbon. She bring me seven sugar. Seven sugar, seven sugar, seven sugar. What she trying to give me, diabetes?

I'm going to call the police on that bitch. I'll beat us. I'm going to call the police on that bitch. Get out the way, bitch. Get out the way. Joey Diaz and I will be here next weekend. Come and see us. Next weekend, both Friday and Saturday, go to icehousecomedy.com.

Guys, to close out every episode of this show, we have two young ladies who do a new minute each week, every single week. Now this is actually their second minute this week. So we get to watch them create and it goes out there and they're constantly working and writing on that level at a minute a week or at least trying to. They're pushing it that hard. They almost have an hour worth of material because

they've done a minute every single week. Dom, talk to them. I will, Joe. After I put a little bit of my... You can help them, Dom. Coming up first tonight, out of the two, she went on stage for the first time,

much like the couple of guys did tonight, right here on Kill Tony for the first time. And that was many, many weeks ago. She dropped out of college at the University of Florida and stayed out here and said, I'm going to keep doing stand-up. She was just supposed to graduate just like a couple classes away from graduating.

And here she is, the college dropout and kill Tony Queenpin, Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Swap. Rico. Kim Congdon, everybody. Come on. Hey, guys. I'm Kim Congdon.

I read the other day that a guy went to prison for four years for leaving his child in the car, in a really hot car. Way to judge the car on its looks right I planned a school shooting but I never hired a photographer I was really pushing to get plastic surgery but plastic said it felt fine I was really pushing to get plastic surgery, but plastic said it felt fine. As an American, I feel like I have the right to bear arms, which is why I shave them.

This guy told me he liked my frame. And I was like, I didn't do it. He did. Woo! Oh, can I do my last one? Yeah, go ahead. I like to follow the speed limit. Because who likes to do too much speed? Go away, bear.

Get back in there, angry West Hollywood bear. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Completely changing style. You changed your style this week. I don't know how many of you listen to Kill Tony, but I've been listening to her for 50 some weeks. She's never been a one-liner comedian. What's up with this little test you're doing?

I was just trying it. I was just writing some jokes. Let me try one-liners. That's interesting. What a weird episode to choose. Two real natural comedians on this show and you went with one-liners. That's okay, right?

I just find it interesting. It's very interesting that you're doing a whole minute a week. comedians on this show and uh you went with one-liners that's okay right yeah no it's fine it's just i just find it interesting it's very interesting you're doing a whole minute a week what is that how challenging is that it's really hard it's really hard because when i go to open mics i also want to work on my material that i want to do on shows and not since and then i have to fit in you know this extra random one every week and And now I do it on this Monday, Friday, and then Monday again. How much time do you usually get an open mic set? Five minutes. I do two a night during the weekdays,

and I try to do three Saturday and Sunday. Wow. Dedication. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. It's cool. It's funny.

Hey. Got good delivery. It's weird, too too it's weird enough what's up Dom what do you think of Kim Congdon she's very courageous too she's like

Stephen Wright's retarded daughter don't you think it's courageous doing a new minute every week can you imagine it's hard

people think imagine if you wrote a minute a day. Oh, my God. 365 days except for leap years. But, I mean, people forget how hard. You might, if you're lucky, get a minutes worth of seeds. But then you've got to spend time growing those fuckers and turn them into jokes. Yeah, those were all very bottom laughy-taffies.

They were terrible? No, they weren't. They were actually really, really good. But your style and all the timing and stand-up that you've worked on is all talking about real stuff so far. Your timing with those jokes

wasn't on. But the jokes were extremely well written. But you don't know how to really, I mean, it's not that you don't know how, it's just that you haven't worked on. Do you think if you could take those jokes, if you could say them funny, though? Because I don't think so. I think they're very Laffy Taffy. Oh, I know.

They're Laffy. Such a fucked up way of putting it. Oh, you think they could take those jokes and make them funny? No, I don't really see that happening. No, that's exactly what I just said she could do. Oh yeah, exactly. Joey Diaz could get up there and say the exact words.

Say one of them again. The quickest one. I plan a school shooting but I never hired a photographer. I plan a school shooting but I never hired a photographer, cocksucker. That's how I'm hiding. You know me, dog. Old school. I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. That's how I'm hiding. You know me, dog. Old school. I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey.

We know how to hide in the bushes. We'll just keep going. It would be funny. Joey Dears is like... Are we laughing at a school shoot? Joey Dears can talk about anything and make it funny. I ain't shooting nobody at school.

It's great. I feel like we just have a good point. That on, you fucking momos. I ain't shooting nobody at school. It's great. I feel like we just have a good point of what you want to do is you just want to let it rip. My delivery just needs to be different. I don't think you did anything wrong. You're doing a minute a week. It's fucking hard.

Some of those jokes aren't going to make it. I would go back to your normal style. Some of them are making it and some of them aren't going to make it. It's how it always is. But if you're making a minute every week, that's just how it goes. I think you did really good. I got two words for you. Forrest Gump. Oh my goodness.

There's an idea. How dare you. Nobody else is talking about it. You're going to be at the top of Hollywood in no time, kid. How dare you. There's room for a Forrest Gump bit. You're going to be at the top of Hollywood in no time, kid. How dare you? There's room for a Forrest Gump bit. You can do it, young lady. Now sit on daddy's lap and watch the rest of the show.

Oh, goodness. I personally, as a man, I'm offended by what you did. Well, Joe, I know how sensitive you are. Hello, hello. God. Focus group. You're privilege. Hello, hello. God. Focus group. You're so politically correct, it's scary. I'm trying to roll like that these days.

I can't say anything around you anymore. Let's not fight in front of them. Can we wait till we get home? Sorry. Don't listen to them. You're good. Yeah, it was great. I mean, it was just shocking because I'm not really You're good. It was great. It was just shocking because I'm not really used to that. It felt weird for me too.

I was freaking out. I put my phone in here and I was peeking. On your notes? I'm just so used to telling a story where it just comes out naturally and I'm just talking about being a crazy girlfriend or something. See, that feels real to me when you say that.

I know. I just wanted to try it. I don't feel like you were ever actually going to give surgery to a piece of plastic. However, you being a crazy girlfriend, I could totally understand in a heartbeat. They're giving you a hard time. You're doing it a minute a week. That's a very difficult thing to do. Totally. Absolutely.

I've never seen you do stand-up before. So for me, this is the only time I've ever seen it. So for me, I thought it was weird enough. It was good. Perfect. It's hard. A minute a week is very commendable. Perfect.

Yeah. Right down my rear for religion, right? Very hard. Very hard. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. Thanks so much. She did.

I mean, it's been a year, right? It's a cool undertaking. It's interesting. Yeah. It's been a year, right? It's been a little bit It's interesting. Yeah. It's been a year, right? It's been a little bit over a year. A little bit over a year. A new minute each week.

It was a year June 1st. Yeah. There you go. Do you take all that stuff and go over it and mine for... Some of the stuff. I'm just starting to learn to listen in my own stand-up. I record every set. I've recorded almost every set I've done, but I didn't listen to any of them.

That's so crazy. It's crazy. You've got to listen. And then I'll but I've been listening to any of them. That's so crazy. It's crazy. You've got to listen. I'll start, and then I'll just start cringing and turn it off. Yeah. Or throw something. I can understand that.

You've got to treat it. I knew that was coming. It was like watching your drunk friend get knocked out. Like, oh, shit. Boom. Jesus, what did you think about that set? I know a photographer oh there you go that was a call back to

BC right there Kimberly that was very fun what do you think about this one liner thing you gonna keep rocking it or just gonna keep trying different things out switch it up you can do a little of that a little of this do whatever you want one-liner thing. Are you going to keep rocking it or are you just going to keep trying different things out? I'm no quitter. Switch it up.

You can do a little of that, a little of this. You can do whatever you want. It'd be fun to see you do a minute of crowd work sometime. That might be fun. I was going to do that last week, but I don't know.

You're just trying to steal my awesome idea. Anyway. No! Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. She did it again. Live from the Ice House

for the very first time on Kill Tony. And the other regular and your final comedian of the night, another one of our regulars and favorites. She is a regular on Kill Tony and the Dysentery podcast. Very funny, goofy sense of humor. Usually takes something small, a topic, and blows it up into big proportion. So let's see if we see any of that tonight from the always goofy, always funny Sarah Weinshank.

Cheers! Cheers! What's up? I feel like coffee tables should just be called footstools. Like who was like, hey, that table over there, let's associate it with coffee.

Makes no sense. And upon a top of this coffee table, let's place coffee table books. Makes no sense. Some people's coffee table books

cost more than their coffee tables. Who has enough coffee to make it through an entire book? Coffee table books are really just picture books. And who the fuck is letting their kid drink coffee? All right. Fuck yeah. 55 seconds of coffee table. Many people are wondering.

Last week it was corn on the cob holders. The week before that, it was the crock pot. Everything's beginning with c lately crock pot corn on the cob coffee table oh coffee table that's a frustrating one yeah you know one thing that i thought of that i that i think might be able to actually help that in a way is redefine redefining it for people that might not have the clear vision of how what exactly that is. I feel like that could be confused Well, that's a short in height Table normally in front of a couch type of thing, correct?

Yeah, I mean if we're all picturing something different then that's my point exactly is what I'm saying when you got one minute You gotta like slice all that shit up though Who doesn't know what a... Who is like, what is this bitch talking about? Well, no, I... Sometimes it's important to not make things too... You don't have to spell out obvious shit.

Right. It's extra words. Yeah. If everybody knew what she was saying, then I'd get it. But I just don't know. I have to withdraw from commenting on this because I take it very personally

because my grandfather died making a coffee table. And I know it's a big joke to you, but... I'm guessing he was killed by a Cambodian while he was making... I'm trying to figure out

where this... I would think ordinarily I'm trying to figure out where this is. Cambodians who moved to Manila. I would think ordinarily, I would think you definitely would be right, but I think a coffee table is such a common reference that it would be totally unnecessary and a waste of extra seconds. That's like saying you don't know what a living room is.

It's a little silly. I know what you're doing though. Why would the kid be drinking coffee? How would we know that that's... It's a picture book. Because it's for little kids. Big people read shit.

Gotcha. Damn, son. Now I'm all caught up. A picture book is worth a thousand words. It's hard to do, right? You're doing the same thing. You're writing about a whole subject one day a week. It's very difficult.

And your way is even more because once you commit to a thing, you're fucking skiing down the mountain. Woo! You're not stopping until you hit that one minute, right? You have this one topic. You've got to get this. It's even more difficult probably. It's one obsession. But you know there's something to that that, in my

opinion, I always love people that take a bit and like wring it out. Like I saw Richard Jenney. Richard Jenney, I knew you were going to plug his in. You're reading my mind. Yeah. No, for real, right? You guys are laughing, but as comics, Richard Jenney was a guy who I don't think gets nearly enough credit.

He unfortunately killed himself a couple years back. He suffered from depression. But he was a great, great comedian, man. We saw him in the 80s, in the late 80s, in the early 90s. And comics would go to where he was and sit in the back of the room and watch him. And one of the things that he was awesome at, he would do a bit like on Jaws. And he would be 11 minutes long.

Jaws was the best one. He rung that fucking thing down. And you were crying by the end of it. It just, see, and what you did is kind of, what you're trying to do is kind of similar in a way. Yeah, flush everything out of it. Yeah, you're getting, by choosing a subject every week and just making this big thing, big creative thing out of it,

like, you'll like, you'll set set a thing going off in a person's mind where you're taking them on a little journey. So instead of a one-liner here or there, which is also great. Mitch Hedberg is one of my all-time favorites. But the type of comedy that a Richard Jenny did or Chappelle does it great, tells these big involved pieces.

They drag you into something. They pull all this comedy out of it while you're there. And it almost seems more special as that's happening. So what you're doing is, I think, the most difficult way. But I think it always feels the best to me when I watch it. That kind of comedy is always my favorite. Mitch was so old school, but young and hip. Yeah.

I had him on Full Frontal Comedy. Remember that show? And one of the lines he said was, no matter how much I practice tennis, I realize I'll never be as good as the wall.

My favorite is the banana one. He goes, someone said, do you want a frozen banana? I said, no,

but I want a regular banana later. So, yes. That is just, I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. I like the UPS driver because he is a drug dealer and he does not know it. Isn't that crazy?

There's three one-liners right there that just destroyed this world. Well, Hedberg was a rare cat. He was very unique. It was very uniquely him, you know? He would do a joke about the name Doubletree, and you'd be crying and laughing. Every week you are very negative, and you tried one week to be really the exact opposite. Have you tried that again? Have you tried mixing it up? Because I mean, I just

want to know what a 15 minute set from you is because it feels like I would just want to kill myself after the end because you just seem to be attacking everything. Well, no. Because even my positive set, I made them understand what I liked, which was really negative. So

for me, if I feel fiery about something, then I'm, like, excited to talk about it. I'm like, what the fuck is this coffee book table? Like, that's what excites me, which is kind of crazy. But, like, I don't really see myself, like, talking about rainbows in, like, family time. Yeah, but do you take all these uh random objects that you hate and stuff like crock pots and tacos and stuff and join them together in a big unholy mix yeah like okay that's what i've been having trouble with but i've been like trying to segment out which like food sections go together because i have so much food so i'm like okay we have a

poultry corner over here cool Cool. We have like... Are you doing the robot? Yeah. I was thinking that. I don't know. Talk with my hands. I'm working on it. I'm working on it.

Right, man? All right, well, hopefully at Comic-Con this year, you're going to be doing hopefully maybe a three to five minute set. So that would be you and Kim. So that would be good to see you. How long have you been doing comedy? Three years. How often do you do it? I try to get up like three times a week.

Four times a week. That's awesome. Look, you're doing it in a very difficult way. To do it on the internet, on a television show, do a minute every week, it's very brave. Both you guys, very brave. And you can, that kind of style, what you're doing,

is attacking things like coffee tables. It can be hilarious. The more ridiculous you get, you just got to get real ridiculous. Yeah. And it's one of those things where the people will catch on with your cadence and your timing and your style as the years go on. You know what I mean? So if you just keep stockpiling stuff the way that you do it on specific

topics, by the time you pop you're going to be able to kick out a crazy amount of stuff. Yeah, because you could fucking hate everything. You'd be like, fuck tricycles. I'm tired of tricycles. They're bullshit. And your audience who knows your style goes, oh shit, tricycles

is the next thing. It's the next wine shank bit what's fucking next oh you know what really irks me love seats nobody's loving on them am i right madison square garden it's sarah wine shank and kim congan's great too i mean, these girls are fucking knocking it out. You know what I mean? And it makes me very happy. It was interesting when you said the thing about coffee tables

when you were fucking around, it was much more of an investment than when you did it in your act. When we did it in your act, you were acting like, do you think this is funny? But when you said, you know, what the fuck's up with coffee tables? I mean, even that is so ridiculous. I sold it more. What's that?

I sold it more when I said it. Well, it was real. You committed more to it because you were like... It's that minute. I know I'm not trying to blame the minute. I respect the minute so much. It's been good to me. Where's that bear at?

Where's the bear? No, she's totally making sense. Yeah. She's totally making sense. It's hard. It's hard as fuck. Wait, what were you talking about? Absolutely. She you talking about absolutely

she's talking about coffee tables yeah they're annoying yeah oh no we're kidding

Sarah Weinshank thank you so much thank you that was Kimberly Congdon and Sarah Weinshank Kim's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon and Sarah's

at Princess Shank S-H-E-N-K could you imagine if you had to do that every week do a new minute every week just one minute

that's very hard I just like the idea of an investment in something that is so trite and meaningless you know like alright maybe

there's world pestilence maybe there's a lot of disease in the world but fucking coffee tables really piss me off you know what I mean like to take it from like anything

so ridiculously unimportant. I think there's something funny in that. I feel like she can keep going. There's some more there. Imagine how funny she must be like sometimes not even at a comedy club if she's a guest at somebody's house. Guess what's going to be there? A coffee table, a crock pot, corn on the cob

holders, poultry. I've seen her talk about so many different things. At least 20 of them food. Can you imagine dating her though? Dating her and she's just going off on you about everything that you're doing. Listen, Cupcake, I've been dating you no fucking picnic either. That's not it.

Well, guys, we did it. That's Kill Tony. Joe Rogan, Dom Irera Thank you guys so much Powerful Brian Redband Powerful Tony Hipscliff Thank you so much for being on Thank you for having us all on your spectacular program

So much fun, Dom is always a blast The great Dom Irera Check out the Dom Irera live from the Lab Factory Joe's on a couple of episodes, it's great Indeed Both of you Brian told some of the most hilarious pervert stories of all time from the lab factory. Joe's on a couple of episodes. It's great. Indeed. Brian told some of the most hilarious pervert stories of all time. That was a classic episode.

I enjoyed it. I did it while I was cleaning my office. Yeah, we've all been on it. You're at Dom Irera on Twitter. I love being part of the club. I love you, Dom. You're one of my favorite comedians and I'm glad that you made it out to the I just want to say that Dom Irera became my friend when I was a scrub Love you, Dom. You're one of my favorite comedians, and I'm glad that you made it out to the ice. You need to get a GPS. I just want to say that Dom Herrera

became my friend when I was a scrub, and he was super cool to me way, way back in the day. I paid to see Dom Herrera before I ever did comedy. So becoming friends with Dom Herrera when I was just starting out was one of the coolest things to ever happen. I totally agree. Am I dying?

Somebody knows something I don't know. I didn't want to say anything, but there's a Cambodian right behind you right now. Viva la Philippines. Jesus Christ, everybody is on Twitter at Kevin Lee Light. He was the patriot tonight. Live audience, Pasadena, we did it. We made history. This is the first Keltonian

Pasadena. Big thanks to one of our producers, Josh Martin. You can find him on Twitter, Josh Martin Comic. Guys, we're going to be at Comic-Con 2014, July 23rd and 24th at the American Comedy Co. We want to thank our sponsor, Squirt. The Thirst Quencher. Later.

Bye. Bye. goodbye