KILL TONY - KILL TONY #57

Episode Date: July 20, 2014

Rowdy Roddy Piper, Annie Lederman, , Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Autistic Patriot/Joshua Meyrowitz , Brian Redban – Date: 06/23/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Hey guys, this is the week. We're going down to Comic-Con this week. Go to the American Comedy Co.'s website, AmericanComedyCo.com, and you'll see that we have Kill Tony there Wednesday, July 23rd, 8 p.m. It's going to be a lot of fun. We've got some surprises, and it's going to be followed by a thunder pussy right after it. So we have two shows on Wednesday at the American Comedy Co. That's July 23rd.

And then the following day, we have a huge comedy show. Just nonstop comedy the whole night. Including featuring Bert Kreischer. He's going to be there. And you know, if Bert's there, the whole week is going to be a fucking party. So check it out. Go to AmericanComedyCo.com or just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on our new tour dates calendar and you'll see all the shows, including next month, me and Sam Tripoli are going to Tampa, Jacksonville, and Orlando, August 8th, 9th, and 10th. Also, check out the new Death Squad store, shopsquad.tv.

There you have the new t-shirts, hoodies, hats, stickers, posters, even a Death Squad flask. That's right. You can now bring your alcohol wherever you go and support Death Squad in your car while you're drinking apple juice. Anyways, thank you guys for listening. Thank you for supporting Kill Tony and Death Squad. Here is a brand new episode. Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2.

Give it up for Tony Hedgcliffe. Oh my goodness, how exciting. How you guys doing tonight? What's up? So many comedians there that ignored that question because they hear it so often. Comedians, how are you guys doing tonight? So proud.

So much energy. Probably because we have a new sponsor, everybody. That's right. So much energy. Probably because we have a new sponsor, everybody. That's right. That's right. We'd like to officially announce, re-announce, that our newest sponsor is Diet Squirt. Since 1938.

The caffeine-free thirst quencher. So Diet Squirt, we appreciate you guys. Less than 1% juice. No calories. It's true. Slightly less than 1% juice. Yeah. No calories and low sodium. Squirt, a refreshing beverage since 1938. Hell yeah. Some shuffling going on. Who's having a wonderful Monday so far huh I'll tell you I am it's a great Monday for me I had I had a crazy job offer happen that the

12 year old me would love for me to take I can't talk about it just yet but that's going to be something in future episodes that I'm going to talk about is the job opportunity that I'm hinting at today all right now you have already told me about this and it's crazy All right, now, you have already told me about this. And it's crazy.

All right, because, yeah, we can't maybe talk about, no? No. No, all right. We're going to save it. It's going to be great. I didn't even know KinderCare was still in business, though. Yes, great job offer from KinderCare. The good makers of KinderCare goes delicious with a diet Sprite.

Squirt at a KinderCare. Oh, yes, diet Squirt. We do not like Sprite. Squirt at a kindergarten. Oh, yes. Diet Squirt. We do not like Sprite. Fuck. We probably just lost them. You just lost Squirt. We've had him for two episodes.

Oh, my God. Yeah, so we just wanted to let you know. Well, I tell you what you can't do with Sprite. You can't mix it with tequila and make a margarita instantly. Oh, you told me this last week, and I almost threw up in my mouth. A margarita made of squirt and tequila. Have you really had that before? Oh, I'm addicted.

Who would drink that by round of applause? There you go, Brian. There you go. Just to let you know what kind of life you're living. No, I mean, like, really, if you mix drinks a lot, like myself, you get sick of something a lot. Like, I got sick of Jack and Coke. I went to 7-7's for a while. I went to turkey and ginger.

And then I got into tequila. And there's not really much you can do with tequila except, you know, maybe make a margarita out of it or drink a press out of it. So my Mexican friends told me to mix it. Your Mexican friends did not tell you to use it. Yes, they did. It's a poor person margarita. They said it does the job. You mix it with tequila. It tastes great.

We could actually do it today if you wanted to. We could have Josh get us some Patron. But I do love, without tequila, a delicious diet squirt. Anyway, it's a crazy Monday here, guys. You guys know what we do. We always have a bunch of comedians come on, and I do a minute,

and some of the future comedians of the world and the universe, some of our favorite rising comics. Sometimes it's a brand-new person. You never know what's going to happen, and I always have two amazing guests that come on and talk with the newer comedians, and it's always fun. But as well, we always have, every week, a brand new head of security to keep us safe here on this stage.

This is this guy's second job, keeping us safe. Put your hands together for Autistic Thunder, Josh Meyerowitz, a.k.a. The Autistic Patriot. I'm sorry. Can you imagine if, like, the Iron Patriot really did do that? He just, like, killed all his enemies and then apologized.

It is true. The Autistic Patriot gives more apologies than any other superhero. You're really filling that suit out, huh? I think you're the first one to not have a lot of extra slack. That's fun. I just started my diet. What diet is that? You sound really excited. It's not fair.

Not fun to not eat as much as I used to. But, you know, it's for my health. Do you hear your shoes squeaking when you do that? You. Oh, me? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, don't do that anymore.

It's very annoying. Back to you, diet man. The sound of shoes squeaking. Are you really on a diet? Like Weight Watchers? No. The best I can do, one step at a time, eat less. This sounds like a guy

that has no diet plan whatsoever. Just one step at a time. I leave a couple bites of the In-N-Out burger that I eat daily. Do you eat bad or do you just eat a lot? I eat a lot. Okay. But not bad.

I actually do pretty damn good. I just do too much. I eat that. As good as I do bad. What did you eat today? Tell the truth, by the way. It's going to be much funnier. I'm autistic.

I can't lie. Oh, yes. I almost forgot. I woke up, I can't lie. Oh, yes. I almost forgot. I woke up, had a banana and an apple, and then for lunch I had a Caesar salad from Wolfgang Puck. What is it?

Gelson's? Yeah. And then that's it. Yeah, that's all I've had today. I just drank lots of water. Oh my goodness. Well, it seems like maybe you are sticking to your diet. Now I sort of feel bad for you. Hey, next time you have a salad like that, though,

put the dressing on the side and dip your fork into it. Instead of pouring it on top of your salad, you'll save about half the calories. Heck yeah. Do you usually toss your salad? I try very hard to toss my own salads. There's a little picture in your minds for all of you. Have you ever tried to suck your own dick?

No. Oh, wait. When I was younger, because I watched the movie Clerks, I thought it would be funny if I tried, but no. Probably not even close, huh? No, no. Especially with my stomach, no. And small cock.

Were you... Could you at least nubble on your bush? No. Even as a mature adult, I don't have a lot of pube. A lot of pube? Yeah, exactly. Well, since you said that in the singular, I'm guessing you have about one.

Just one thick pube. You know, to this very day, I just don't have very many pube. 30 years old, I'm telling you. You're 30? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Put your hands together for the biggest 11-year-old I know, turning

30. I love it. And you must be excited, Josh, because I know for a fact that you're a pro wrestling fan. Oh, yeah. I'm talking to the man under the mask for a second here. So what do you think about Rowdy Roddy Piper being here? Can you give maybe if there's somebody in the crowd who doesn't know,

maybe you could give a little short background on the man, the myth that is going to be on this show today. I don't know as much about him. All right. That's not a good start. Just go with the stuff that you going to be on this show today. I don't know as much about him. Alright, that's not a good start. Just go with the stuff that you do know, Josh. Memorable feuds, not just against Hogan, but Bruno Sammartino,

and famous for his promo against Jimmy Faisuka, where he painted half his face black and hit him with a coconut. That's very good. That's almost correct. One of the greatest promos. Very good. Definitely the best promos.

He was the first comedian to improvise his own segment on wrestling. It was called Piper's Pit. And he always improvised it. And these pro wrestlers weren't always, you know, had a lot of comedic background and stuff. So he'd really have to improvise. I mean, that's digging deep. He's also a 36-time champion, the star of the movie

They Live and many other great movies, and we're very excited to have him here in a bit. Awesome. Thank you, Josh. That's right. Put your hands together for our producer, Josh Martin, everybody hustling around, making it all

possible. He's on Twitter at JoshMartinComic and Josh Meyerowitz, the Autistic Patriot, is on Twitter at AutisticThunder. You really own your autism, which I love. Yeah, it's basically all I got and keeps me going. We had a really good show Friday

at the Ice House with Joe Rogan and Dom Herrera. It was just exciting to have the show on the road. Are you going to be at Comic-Con 2014 this year? I wish. I'll never do it alone, especially since I don't try to be there. Well, we will be there. Sweet.

July 23rd and 24th, we're going to be there doing shows. So any of the comics listening to this at home, sign up. You'll be able to go to the American Comedy Co. on July 23rd, an hour before the show, and this at home, sign up. You'll be able to go to the American Comedy Co. on July 23rd, an hour before the show, and get on stage, hopefully. So it's going to be a lot of fun. So try to make it down there, Josh. I'll try. I can't promise anything.

Disability is a bitch. I mean the money from disability. I don't... Oh, there you go. You might want to say that. One of those is a lot more sad than the other. But you have some perks that non-disabled people, you know, I mean, you have that taxi that gets you.

Special needs taxi, yeah. They get a hell of a deal. I mean, that special Uber is like... Yeah, but putting a mustache on it would actually make it look better. You'll have to try that one out when you get 60 seconds one Monday. Yeah. Much love. Much love indeed. If you don't know,

that is Josh Meyerowitz's catchphrase, much love, because he can't help but to say it. It's his way of closing up everything by giving extra love. Sometimes we'd all be a lot better people if we had autism put your hands together for Josh Meyerowitz joining us so fun so exciting Josh are you here we got two thumbs up okay you really but blew that cover Very good Good job, Josh

We can talk real quick You know what I learned about autistic people, Josh Is that the army and stuff They love autistic people And they try to get as many autistic people In the army as possible Because they kick ass at certain jobs There you go at certain jobs. That would be sad for me because I'm the dumbest autistic person you've ever met.

There you go. Some lady knows one dumbass autistic person. What I mean by that is I'm not dumb. I'm smart, but I'm not as smart as other autistic people. But do you obsess about stuff? Yeah.

What about radar blips over the ocean? No. It's actually, I know nothing about math or science or physics, but those means the Japanese comics. You know, Josh, you're actually, now that I think about it, not even our first autistic patriot. You are, however, our first diagnosed autistic patriot. Good point.

So it's an exciting title to have. Now, let's talk more about this diet for just a second since we have a half a minute to talk about it. Banana, an apple, and a salad is what you ate today. I know. I should have three meals a day. Are you really hungry right now?

No, actually. I drink a lot of water. Heck yeah, it does. I can tell. Put some meat in that water, though me up put some meat in that water though you need some protein in that water yeah I figured that with the chicken that's good protein for the day white meat of course

no so not enough protein for you you're a big guy you need more protein than that yeah I'm lucky my metabolism is any good and it is I suck at dieting than that. Yeah, I'm lucky my metabolism is any good. And it isn't,

just I suck at dieting and that's the best I can do for now. Well, we love it. We're glad to have you. One more time for the patriot of the day, Josh Meyerowitz, the autistic patriot.

Let's move on with the show, guys. You ready for our guests or what? Come on, guys. It's fucking Monday night. Kill Tony 57, and we're about to make magic happen.

Are you ready for a crazy show? Put your hands together for tonight's guest, the hilarious Annie Letterman and the super funny and awesome legend and man himself, Rowdy Roddy Biber! Today you want it, we've gone too far,

too far! Annie Letterman is here Rowdy Roddy Piper is here You guys are meeting each other For the first time I do believe Two of my favorite people Annie, one of the fast rising Comedians of the world, all over E! and Comedy Central,

and so many fun things. And TV. I mean, it just goes on forever, guys. Haven't you heard of me? Oh, you haven't? Cool. And from a lot of my favorite things, including most recently Legends House

on the WWE Network, Rowdy Roddy Piper is joining us. Thank you. Very exciting. Proud to be here. Good friend of mine. And glad to have you back. We had you pop in a couple episodes ago.

You were nice enough to grace us with your presence, and then I'm so lucky to have you on as a guest tonight. And I get to sit next to this pretty lady. Yes. No one's ever called me a lady. Thank you. She's been on MTV. Exactly.

It's going to be a fun perspective switch. I figure the two of you will give two different perspectives for sure. Annie from one of the toughest chicks I know to one of the

toughest guys I know Rowdy Rowdy Piper are we going to end up wrestling? yes, that's what I didn't tell you only if you really want to my boyfriend just killed himself in the back a lot of people don't know this

but Rowdy Rowdy Piper is also a paid regular here at the comedy store they've been doing stand-up for a few years and who would have thought that a guy that could make stadiums and arenas of people laugh for decades could possibly pull off stand-up comedy

in a room with 20 people. But it's always fun. Some of the best stories. You're being sweet. My name doesn't belong here. They just did it out of kindness. These guys are the professionals. I love that it takes an autistic guy to take dieting advice from Red Band.

The dipping the fork in. Fuck you, Red Band. That's true, man. I'm a Weight Watcher. I lost 75 pounds on Weight Watchers once in three months. I know. What year was that? The year I had AIDS.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was that too mean, you assholes in the belly room of the fucking comedy store? Now, I don't think you caught the very beginning of the show, Piper, so let me update you. Our patriot tonight, we always have a new head of security. Our patriot tonight is Josh Meyerowitz. He is autistic. He's an amazing stand-up comedian where he talks about his autism so he can handle it.

But he just announced today that he's on a new diet and all he ate today was an apple and a banana and a Caesar salad. What kind of diet is that? It's a water diet. He drinks lots of water. It's a diet that seems like it'll last for about another two hours. I used to do it in middle school. It's called anorexia.

But Piper, I'd imagine from your years having to be in front of a camera and be in tip-top shape, you might have some kind of advice to give the young. You're trying to lose weight? Yeah. Stop eating. How does that go? Like, how many times do you eat a day? Three, right?

Yeah. How many times do you go to the bathroom? Once. Right? Reverse them. Just eat Chipotle once and shit the rest of the day. Raw chicken. That's all you need.

Gallon of water, gallon of water a day. You know, chicken, no salt. Raw chicken, no salt, no nothing on it. Pasta, nothing on it. Chicken sushi. Then you gotta hit the gym. The salt's really the tricky part because that keeps the water trapped. Thank you. It's a pleasure. Good for you.

There's not a lot of people that have the courage to not only get it out, but to do it day to day. You should give yourself a pat on the back because it's really hard to do. He's actually in such bad shape he can't pat himself on the back. That's what we're trying to get to. Oh, you can reach there. Good job, Josh. I like that his microphone's just at his dick.

I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's a little tradition that we have here where we keep the speaker box by the groin. I guess it's overlooked. You're funny, Josh. Josh, do you have any questions for our guests? Absolutely, Annie. I hear you used to be on Chelsea lately a lot.

How do you feel about Chelsea moving to Netflix I don't care I'm not going to be on it who gives a shit I think that's cool it could be interesting to change Netflix up a little bit she seemed obviously

really bored with her show before does that make it uncensored I think it would be uncensored she seemed obviously really bored with her show before. Does that make it uncensored? Is she allowed to do it? I think it would be uncensored. I feel like she was so close to being uncensored on E!, but I think when you get caught in a show and you're like, all right, I come out, I do my monologue, then I do this, then I have the panelists,

then I go like that, that gets boring. So sometimes you have to completely jump ship. Right. But so she, It probably will be pretty cool. I know she didn't want to do the late night or I'd heard that she didn't want to do the late night because it would be censored. That would be going the opposite way.

It's like watching Fallon now. He used to have a really good show when it was late it was a little bit more loose than the other shows but now he's actually had to go backwards doing more Leno humor. You could actually see the censorship in his comedy. It's just like old people watching. How about for Piper?

You have a question for Piper? Mr. Piper, though I am a wrestling fan, one of my all-time favorite movies, which I give a 5 out of 5 autistic thunderbolt, is They Live. Love that movie. Thank you. Thank you.

What is John Carpenter like? John Carpenter? He's a little eccentric, you know. He's a very frail guy. And you have to be sensitive when you talk with him. But it makes him a good director because he gets inside you and helps

pull it out. But as far as the action was concerned, he left the action to me. On that point, I also ask as a big character actor fan, what is Keith David like? Oh, he's a great guy. He's a 220 pound dancer that hits like Mike Tyson doesn't even

know it. Like to kill me. Killed by a dancer. I saw something really cool today. Are we human or are we dancers? What's that? Are we humans or are we dancers? What's that from? Oh yeah.

Coldplay? Coldplay? You just yelled out so confidently the wrong answer. That's almost as annoying as squeaky shoes. Just kidding. Nothing's more annoying than you. Just kidding. Robbie, Danny, thank you for answering my questions.

There you go. Was it true with the big fight scene there that it was supposed to be like a short scene, you against Keith David, and then you guys just were fighting it out, so they just decided to record the whole thing, and it ended up being almost like a six-minute fight? No, I think it's 12 minutes.

It's in the Guinness Book of World Records. It's the longest fight in cinema history. But John Carpenter wanted... The fight that was longest before that was John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara in The Quiet Man. And Carpenter wanted a longer fight

but between two friends that followed the arc of the script. So it was a little more difficult but it paid off in the end. And those were real punches thrown, right? You know. Well, it was fine.

Keith, you throw camera punches, and as long as you cross the line, you can't tell. But on the way back, he would catch my eye with his thumb. Finally, I just said, hey I just said neck down just hit me it would be a lot easier and he didn't have a problem with that got right into that and beat the shit out of me for a couple days and there we are in the Guinness Book of World Records

that's great, congratulations longest fight scene that's amazing very sweet I saw something cool today I stumbled across on the internet Longest fight scene. That's amazing. Very sweet. Very sweet. I saw something cool today. I stumbled across on the internet. There's a scene in Alien where Sigourney Weaver,

I guess after she obtains special powers, or at some point in the movie, either way, there's a part where she's walking away from a basketball hoop with a basketball in her hand, and she throws the basketball over her shoulder, and she makes the shot showing how advanced she is or whatever but I watched the clip today of her doing that for the first time and actually doing it and they couldn't even

the whole all the serious characters in the role broke you know what I mean and just like the moment that it went straight in I mean it's an amazing clip because you could tell she's completely dialed into her character as a super professional actress and she's completely dialed into her character as a super professional actress. And she's so dialed in, that without

thinking, and she's saying in the interview that she doesn't know how she did it, you know, whatever, she was so dialed in that she literally did what the character was supposed to do, and made that no look back shot. So it's worth looking up some time. The movie is Alien Resurrection, the fourth one.

Oh, there you go. Thank you, Josh. That's why an autistic sidekick is good to have around. And here's a fun fact about that fight that you did. At South Park, I actually had an episode, famous episode, called Cripple Fight. And they did it shot by shot of that fight. And that's why,

if you ever watched that episode, you're like, why is this fight so long? Yeah, the dialogue also. You know what? I wouldn't watch it. Like, for 10 years, I wouldn't watch it. Because, like, they're cripple kids. And they're...

But it's construction paper. I felt so bad. But then one time in an autograph line, this little boy, he's beautiful, but he's crippled. And he was laughing about it. And then I thought, okay, then, you know, I'll giggle too. That's how I say the N-word too. I need, like, one black person to be laughing at seeing a video of me. I can't wait to say it again.

Those South Park guys have a real knack for making people laugh at their own problems. Like, a lot of people don't know, but the Book of Mormon, those people love it more than anything. Mormons are way into the Book of Mormon while they're making fun of it. They have ads in their pamphlet and all this stuff. They're doing a run of shows in Salt Lake City,

which are already sold out because Mormons dig it the most. It's the biggest joke, but they make fun of everything. That's why they can get away with it. I think it takes a whole rounded person to be able to have some self-deprecation. You can't be pointing. Every time you point your finger at somebody, you're pointing three back at

yourself. Yeah. Well, the Mormons are definitely well-rounded. The heavier ones anyway. I'm very excited about this. Annie, you've been doing stand-up a long time from New York, and Piper, you've been all over the world, so

let's have some fun, give some perspective to some people just starting out. For those of you just joining us for the first time, or comedians in the room, you know that 60 seconds is up when you hear the meow of a kitty. So wrap up whatever you're talking about then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood

bear. Yeah, you don't want to. I like how that sound effects also 60 seconds. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it just is out of control. But there you go. So don't run the light. If for no other reason than for the sake of the podcast listeners

who complain weekly about that. Stop with the bear sound. Every time somebody runs their time, I feel like my ears are going to fall off. I'm just trying to work out at the gym, listen to your show, but you make it real hard when you bring out the bear. All right, I read your tweets, guys. Start yelling at the people that go over a minute. How about that?

That's right. That's the lesson is do your time and get out. You guys ready for Kill Tony 57? Here we go with Annie Letterman and Roddy Piper and the Autistic Patriot. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds today is Gil Garibaldo. Get up here, Gil!

Oh, man. I had a parent-teacher conference recently, and I got a pretty great compliment from the teacher. She's like, you know, your kid, he speaks at a very high level, and I can tell that's all you. I was like, wow, that's great.

You know, respect the person in the community, give me that type of compliment. Single father, you don't really hear that kind of stuff, you know? And then she told me, like, but I did overhear a pretty mature conversation he had. And I was like, mature? Is he talking about politics or something? What's going on? And she's like, well, he said he'd fuck the shit out of the lunch lady.

I was pretty embarrassed because I've seen that lunch lady and she is gross as shit. Gross as shit. Try to help him out with his homework and stuff, but I'm trying to be pretty helpful. I'm like, get over here. Let me check out that homework.

It's like, oof. Yeah, I don't know. It's fractions? Yeah, man, take the F. Sometimes that bear comes out very quickly. All right. There you go. That was 45 seconds to lead up to your first joke,

and I thought it worked. I thought it paid off. I thought it was funny, but I don't know. You think that's too long? Did you say you're teaching at the place? No, it was a parent-teacher conference. Oh, and you have a son? Yeah. How old's your son? Twelve. Oh, wow.

So what was the I mean, what I would want to know as an audience member is like, what was the context of the conversation when he said that he fucked the shit out of the... Did he say he would fuck the shit out of the lunch lady or that he did? He was bragging to his friends about it,

you know, but jokingly. Ah, gotcha. Yeah, that was interesting. That's hilarious. So was the setup... Okay, the setup in the beginning where the teacher said that you can tell that his voice is coming from you or his language is coming from you, was that to set up that when he said he fucked the lunch he, you can tell that his voice is coming from you or his language is coming from you. Was that to set up that when he said

he fucked the lunch lady, you were like, I wouldn't say that because she's ugly. Was that? Yeah, because she's just not the type of female that he should be going for. She looks like shit. She has a beard.

I mean, she's a lunch lady. We know the lunch ladies, yeah. But like, I think like the whole beginning doesn't, setup doesn't you could just say at the parent teacher conference and get right into it right yeah my 12 year olds i went to a parent teacher conference for my 12 year old son yeah now did he tell you that or did the teacher tell you that he said that the teacher said it in front of yeah in front of him and he just had this like kind of like so you know one thing with that is i think it also might be more fun to go on the adventure a little bit more with you.

Like maybe at first you're proud of him, or not. Both ways are funny if you tell us what you're feeling. When you first found out and then when you remembered, it gives you a chance for two laughs there at some point. Because then once you realize that... And also, gross as shit is funny but i think that could be one step funnier too you know just something like uglier than your average lunch lady or or you could say she looks like you and then you could be like

or like she has a beard like you like is my son trying to fuck me right Right. I go for incest, guys. And what the audience can see. And I've been on MTV. Yeah, if you said, it's, and it's, I mean, you know. And it's upsetting

because the lunch lady looks like this, you know, to you, you know, or anyway, but to get it back to you. But I think,

yeah, I think it's important in the very beginning to, you need like a punch in the very beginning so that people want to go on the journey with you rather But I think, yeah, I think it's important in the very beginning to, you need like a punch in the very beginning so that people want to go on the journey with you rather than

the long explanation. Yeah, because after 30 seconds it's almost like, wait, what am I listening to here? I'm trying to like, I don't know,

pay attention but then I'm just talking about nonsense and I was just kind of waiting for the joke a little bit too long. So too much setup. Too much,

way too much setup. Too much setup but the joke is good and you could probably get to it really fast, like right away. I go in, and she said that.

I mean, it could be a one-liner. Now, Piper, you've watched many stars start and you have a good eye for everything. You know show business probably better than anyone

that I know. So let me ask you, what do you think of this young Iron Sheik we're dealing with up here? Well, first of all, anyone that I know. So let me ask you, what do you think of this young Iron Sheik we're dealing with up here right now? Well, I... First of all, I think that the first thing that should

come out is that you're a single dad. That's a huge piece of information. And when you first came up, you were timid. And if you're a single dad, you should be really proud of that. And you can get that out in one, boom.

And then if he had something for the lunch lady, and the lunch lady wasn't that good looking, and he wanted to do her anyway, he wanted to do her even though she wasn't good looking? Is that what you're saying? Oh, no. He didn't want to do her because she wasn't good looking is that what you're saying? he didn't want to do her because she wasn't good looking enough well you should be proud of him he's an equal opportunist

and his son's got good choice raised him well I just like her personality dad he's not biased against ugly women she gives me extra creamed corn. Right at the top. Right at the top. I wouldn't let him know you were...

I'm a single dad. My son, boom. And then it would have been a little clearer. Because I was thinking, too, that maybe your joke was going to be that you don't have a kid. That you were at this teacher conference and you were like,

oh, that's weird. I don't even... Like you were just the creepy guy. I don't know. You just give off that the creepy guy. I don't know. You just give off that vibe to me. I don't know that you'd have a boner at a kindergarten classroom. I don't really think that.

It's a podcast. You try things out and they don't work. But you did good. Thanks. You did good. Who said that sound? Die. No, I'm just kidding.

Someone shoot him. Hell yeah. Oh, thank you. How long have you been single? About 11 years. Wow. So it was the kid's fault? You know, just his mom decided to do other things,

and I was just like, well, I'm raising those with me. Were the other things your friends? Yeah. What's their names? Maybe. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four and a half. Where are you from?

L.A., from here. Nice. What part? Originally South Central, now I'm in Baldwin Park, so that's East San Gabriel Valley. Oh, interesting. South Central. How long'm in Baldwin Park. So that's East San Gabriel Valley. Oh, interesting. South Central. How long did you live there for? About nine years.

The first nine? First nine, yeah. Heck yeah. What are your tattoos of? Well, let's see. I tell people that's my face because I don't want to explain who the dude is from Big Lebowski. The dude from Big Lebowski. Were you sober when you got that?

Yeah, all of them. Wow. who the dude is from Big Lebowski. The dude from Big Lebowski. Were you sober when you got that? Yeah, all of them. Wow. And then that's just a chick with the American flag bandana over her face, graffiti stencil. They like chicks, love America, love graffiti. I like when they shut the fuck up. So they wrap their mouth shut.

With the American flag. With an American flag. So that's just a random check. Yeah. Did you get that after you lost your wife? I'm never married now. Just a 19 year old kid with a kid. Oh wow, that's amazing.

That's outstanding. And then just the other stuff. That's just a fox right there. Long story on that one. Too long. You're sticking with the sober through all of them thing, though. Yeah. Yeah, totally sober through all of that.

I like your style, Gil. Thanks for coming on. Come back soon. Gil Garibaldo. He's on Twitter at Gil Garibaldont. That's G-I-L-G-A-R-I-B-A-L-D-O-N-T. Gil Garibaldo wasn't available on Twitter? It wasn't, actually.

Wow. That's messed up. It wasn't available. Damn. Hmm. Who would have thought? Now, I always ask each guest that comes on for the first time if they ever did anything when they were first starting stand-up on stage that they can't believe that they ever talked about or said?

Annie, you want to go first? One of my first jokes was like, was, oh, fuck. It was like, one was the best sex I ever had was with a homeless guy. He really fucked me like I was going to make him a sandwich. Which was like, he looked homeless. He wasn't homeless.

That's not embarrassing at all. But he looked homeless. And then years later, I moved to LA and I was living in my car. So what a fucking hypocrite. Fucking dude for sandwiches. Now, Piper, you're more of a storyteller on stage. a fucking hypocrite. Fucking dude for sandwiches. Now, Piper, you're more of a storyteller on stage, and your stories

are all amazing, so I wouldn't consider anything embarrassing. So I'm going to ask you a little bit of a spin on that question, which is, is there anything you, which I'm sure there's something, but if you could just maybe share one thing that happened in the in the

ring or when you were a rising wrestler that uh you ever did that was crazy and or embarrassing that you can't believe you did this is the wrestling ring not the movie the ring gotcha i wrestled a bear 650 pound bear that took my pants off my trunks off and left me naked and knocked out wow what's that situation how does that go was that after your joke went past 60 seconds

no that was 20 baby I've painted myself half black one time. That's what you said last time. Yeah, you told us that story last time. I had to go home and watch it one more time. Oh, I'm glad you did that. It's so funny.

A lot of stuff. My job was to really piss you off. I was really good at it. You're such a nice guy. I mean, the crippled kid thing? Did you guys not tear up when he said that? It was amazing. Bruno San Martino, Italian slurs in the ring. Bruno is a good man. I called Bruno a wop in Boston Garden.

I said, I was driving here, Bruno, and the tire went flat, and all the way here it went, whop, whop, whop. I think I remember that. And his hair, his comb over stood up, and his eyes, and he's a true story. And then it was a hard fight that night. And like 20 years later, my son Colt,

and Mr. Sam Martino's a great man, and I bring Colt, and I said, Colt, this is Mr. San Martino. First thing he says is, your dad called me a wop! 20 fucking years later, Bruno! But, you know, stuff like that.

I love it. We're going to roll on to our next comedian and it will be Brad Sachs, everybody. Thank you, God. We are the people that can. Thank you, guys. I just lost my job. I was a waiter.

I got fired because I lost it with an old lady, like an 85-year-old lady. Because sometimes old people, I love them, but this lady ordered the simplest thing you could order, water, and she turned it into a meal. And I just lost it. She was like, I want a glass of water with no ice, but I want the ice on the side. And I want lemon and a straw and extra lemon on the side and Splenda on the side. And if you have that raw sugar, I want it on the side.

And I scratch my head. I'm like, bitch, that's lemonade. Okay. No, no, no, no. The only reason I work there? To get laid, to have sex. Best place to ever work is a restaurant. And the place I worked at for 13 years, they told me on day one.

It was amazing. They gave me the application. It was like, question one, you ever work at a restaurant before? Question two, are you open to employee gangbangs after work? I'm like, I will film for you. Thank you right here. The rest of you, nothing on there. That's cool.

That's fine. There you go, Brad Sacks. Thank you, guys. Brad Sacks. Firing off some bullets. I think he met my mom. It was someone like your mother, yes. Grandma.

Okay. Maybe you should perform to autistic people. That's a good idea. That's a circuit. That shit could work. I'll try anything at this point. Were you really a waiter? Yes.

Where at? I believe it. A place called Stant. You believe it. Were you really a waiter? Yes. Where at? I believe it. A place called Stan... You believe it? You fucking... Who wasn't a waiter? A place called Stanley's in Sherman Oaks. What kind of restaurant is it?

I would say it's like casual, upscale. Every kind of... Really big with salads and pizza, pasta, chicken, fish, steak. It got everything. Sounds delicious. It's a good place. The lemonade bit was funny

that it made sense and it's pretty cute. But I think the setup, how you did it with the old lady, made me go, what is he doing? I don't know. Maybe if you just said she ordered enough stuff to make lemonade. It's just got to be quicker.

You don't need all of that info. If you started with the act out, like I just got fired because this woman came in. Do the act out and go, bitch, that's lemonade. And then rant a little bit more, I think, too. If you really went off on her. It's funny that you yelled at an old lady. Yeah. Did anyone else get wet?

I loved it. She ordered ice water and seven things for the ice water. She pretty much ordered lemonade. And then maybe go like, she ordered, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, whatever. And then also that it's like, there's no chart. I mean, what, are you going to charge her for the lemon? Right.

You know, like what's a 15%? What do old people tip? 15%? No. Or nothing? No, on the dot. What's a 20% tip of zero? I mean, that's so unfunny.

I want to kill myself. I'm sorry. I just made your joke worse. They fired you? Well, it wasn't like, it was actually kale. It was a really busy night, and this one lady kept saying, is there kale in my salad? I'm like, yeah, it's kale. And she was like, well, you

take it back, and you have them put kale because I don't think this is kale and like the third time i'm like running around sweating and she's like is this kale i'm like it's fucking kale and then the whole table looked up i'm like oh i'm sorry i i and then they they went and told and they're like and and his jokes by the way were terrible because. Because I was trying to make up for it a little. One, that's funny. The truth is funny. And two, we know that table wasn't autistic. Right.

They were not autistic. They were normal people. They were regular. You know if you're on the spectrum. You should have told her to kale herself. Kale yourself. Wow. Kale yourself.

Look at you. Shooting a little three-pointer over there. My joke writer right there. Shooting from long range. I don't normally see that. Normally I'm that guy, but it's fun to see a little... I'd like to see Tony in this position. I love punnery and...

All right, Josh. Let's settle down. All right. You agree that that was way funnier, the true story, right? Oh, absolutely. That's why I try to ask these questions to dig a little bit deeper.

I mean, there was nothing funny about what the restaurant was like, but then we got into that part, and that's interesting. So what was your reaction when you found out, like, were you more mad when you found out that she said your jokes weren't funny? That was, yeah. I mean, I was upset to obviously lose the job,

but then the nail on the coffin. So the manager had to report to you. He kept telling us these jokes. The manager. Yeah, the manager told me. The manager was like, man, she told me she didn't like your jokes either. Yeah, they were like, and they said you were telling all these corny jokes. Like, dude, what are you doing?

Oh, were you really trying? Yes, yes, yes. They were kind of hitting people that do that. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. We just stumbled across gold, everybody. They were probably just little improvs. What's funnier to listen to at the number one comedy club in the world than some guy's actual restaurant jokes?

Picture yourself at the restaurant table. Here we are. Brad Sachs. You'll be our waiter tonight. Come on. Tell us the fuck. No, no. They were probably just improvs. Don't stick through it. Come on. You know you got some jokes. I've asked you for a glass of ice water and you

drop it on the table. I know you don't just drop it and walk away. What do you say? Oh, thank you. Thank you for this. What do you mean? When, thank you. Thank you for this. Yeah, when you give me a thing, like, you know, there's the waiters that always do the thing where you finish your plate and then they go, oh, I guess you hated that, huh? Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

And you're like, fuck you. When people are like, oh, I when, like, with this one lady probably, like, if they ate the whole thing really fast, they're like, I hated that. I'm like, I'll take that off the check then. And then they're all pissed when it's still on the check. Maybe that's why they're mad.

Come on. There's got to be something. You don't have a couple lines. I mean, you've been waiting tables for 12 years while being a comedian and you don't have any things that sometimes you'll go to. I mean, that was probably my most famous one. I'll take it off. That was your most famous one?

That was so funny. That was like, I mean, I don't know. 12 years. I hated the job. I was like, yeah, here's your fucking Diet Coke. I don't know. I used to. Here's your diet.

When I was a waitress, I used to tell whenever a woman had a baby and she would like order milk, I would always say, do you want skim, whole, or breast? And tell her I'd be her wet nurse. Never got good tips. That's risky, though. Oh, yeah. As a waiter, or breast. Until I would be her wet nurse. Never got good tips. That's risky, though. As a waiter, I'm sure the Houlihan Corporation would hate that. I hate when waiters, though, are too jokey, and I hate that so much when they talk too much.

Are you one of those people that just fucking... Honestly, if I went in there really high, I would just fucking... Just to get past the time, I would probably talk to him. Son of a bitch. Where are you from? As annoying as that is for the patron,

as a comic, it's like having an open mic all day if your day job is... So what, you're not going to use that opportunity? It's like fresh ears, you just try some shit out. Are you really trying to ruin all of our food

for the future? I was amazing. I was the worst, I brought the worst food. I never brought what they wanted. it's not like knock-knock jokes. No,

you're like, try your bits out. And they don't even, if it's a bit bit about the day or the week and not the news, if it's an actual thing, they don't ever know

it's a bit. But my guess was that when she said corny jokes that there were specific things like, I'm going to have to get a signing. I'll catch up with you later or whatever. Something like that. I was hoping for a fucking...

Something like, I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. I would tell them to stay. And she's like, I'm in a wheelchair. I'm 98. I'm not going anywhere. The only place I'm going is to stay. And she's like, I'm in a wheelchair. I'm 98. I'm not going anywhere. The only place I'm going is to hell. There you go. Look who's got the... Josh, it's getting to the point that when you laugh, it hurts

my feelings. I'm just kidding. System shutdown. Are you serious? I actually worked with Sally, who's right here. We worked at this restaurant together. I once got a Yelp where they said, the who's right here we worked at this restaurant together I once got a Yelp where they said

the waitress was so annoying she kept talking about how hot the skaters at the coffee shop next door were that sounds like something you would do yeah they were hot

now normally this is the part where I say Piper this young blank and blank but you are so far looking out of the realm of professional wrestling that I'm truly stumped maybe a young

oh god there's not a blonde Jewish one? I don't know realm of professional wrestling that I'm truly stumped. Maybe a young... Oh, God. There's not a blonde Jewish one? I don't know. Maybe... The guy with the rubber bands all over. You're laughing at something that nobody understands. There you go.

I love how you crack up. Captain Lou. Can you grow a beard? What do we think of What do you got for Brad Sacks? Anything pop in your mind? Some advice? No, I'm talking to Piper about you

I don't think I'm going to do any wrestling Well, that's good If that's what you were thinking You were probably looking at me like This guy could be a wrestler I actually wasn't thinking I figured it was time for you to go. Thank you.

That's nice of you. I might have just gone, though, like, lady, water, and you go to walk away. I eat lemon, sugar. Really? It's a fucking meal. Oh, you mean she kept making me go. Yeah, because then it builds. It builds. Hey, ah. Right. Oh, you mean she kept making me go. Yeah, because then it builds, you know.

It builds. Ah. Yeah. That is true. Let's make it separate trips. Yeah. A lot of trips. A lot of trips.

Yeah. The build up would be. You know, catch your catch your thing on the on the kitchen as you're going out. It's ripped.

You're sweating. Boom. Here you are. That ain't enough. That's a going out. It's ripped. You're sweating. Boom, here you are. That ain't enough. It's a fucking meal. There you go. I'll come with you next time. It's also funny that the old lady didn't know what kale was.

You're like, yeah, it's right in front of you. What you can't see? Oh, you have cataracts. Yeah, I was like, the whole salad is kale. Yeah. There you go. Brad Sacks. Good job. Is this news? So now you're no longer working at a restaurant?

Nope. I was relieved of my duties, yeah. There you go, Brad Sacks, a free agent. If anybody here owns a Chili's or an Applebee's, you can get the fucking joke machine over here, Brad Sacks. Hey, I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. You can get the fucking joke machine over here, Brad Sacks. Hey, I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere.

Like, what table of people cracks up at that shit? We'll be right here. Oh, man, did you hear that? He thought we were going to go somewhere after he went to get us something. That's so crazy. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Oh, but I was going to use the restroom. Oh, it was a joke.

Oh, oh. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jason Van Glass. Van Glass. Oh, won't you please take me home? My friends won't stop talking about Molly, the hot new party drug, Molly. I don't know what kind of friends you guys

have. Mine are from Burning Man, so they won't shut up about how great Molly is. Finally, I just Googled it. Turns out Molly is ecstasy. Literally the same thing. It's just an ecstasy. Literally the same thing. It's just an ecstasy tablet that's been ground into a powder. That is not a new drug.

Not how that works at all. You can't be like, no, this isn't cocaine. This is cocaine I put into a gel cap. It's called Samantha. You've probably never heard of it. What am I going to do, talk for 10 more seconds? We should just stop. You have 25 seconds left.

To launch into a 12-minute bit. He wants to hear the bear. Look at him. You just want the bear. We could talk about that joke. Ecstasy and Molly is different. It's not. MDMA is Molly. Pure Molly is MDMA.

MDMA is also ecstasy. Ecstasy is MDMA plus speed. Ecstasy is MDMA. MDMA is also ecstasy. Ecstasy is MDMA plus speed. Ecstasy is MDMA. Wikipedia. Right. It's a cut form of MDMA. Right. And Molly is pure MDMA, for those of you that weren't at Bonnaroo 2003 with me,

which is where I learned that. I was there. Ecstasy might be cut with other things but it's not necessarily ecstasy is MDMA your anger towards this drug shows me that you need to take this drug a lot yeah

fucking touch have wind blow on you and just chill the fuck out suck a lollipop and shut the fuck up we'll do it let's do it. So,

yeah. Makes it hard when you do 25 seconds and then, and then beg to be released. What do you want? What do you want? I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don't have,

I don't have, I don't have, I don't have, I don Can you do it again? The same thing? Yeah, can you do it again? It worked so well the first time. You want to do another 20 seconds? Yeah. Just come right in and talk about this. You don't have anything else, a premise that you want to talk about? No.

Or even the same, try to think, just fucking change the energy. I think you should switch Ecstasy and Molly and go, my friends keep talking about Ecstasy. But people are talking about Molly. I don't know. Weren't people talking about Molly earlier this year? They did. No. But also, everyone, I always think

it's interesting that everyone's just taking Molly at bars. When we did ecstasy, we pulled a mattress down and we're putting shaving cream on each other. That's why you have speed in that ecstasy so you can go out to a bar. But isn't

Molly doesn't have the speed in it. So it's the opposite. Right. Molly's the one you want to be in the mattress. Have you tried any of these? I took ecstasy years ago. You should try it again. You should try Molly. You'll see the difference.

You'll feel the difference. You'll feel the difference. You'll feel the difference how it was back then. Because I really do. You might be right what it's supposed to be but the ecstasy that you buy like if somebody goes

hey I got ecstasy for sale on Molly. Ecstasy is not just MDMA. It's ecstasy mixed with other shit usually. You're so angry too. Yeah. Red Band obviously is like a purist.

He sells Molly. Don't you dress like you sell Molly? Doesn't he look like he sells Molly? Oh, yeah, definitely. To, like, children. To what's-his-name's son, his 12-year-old lunch lady fucking son. I've lost a joke here.

I'm learning more about drugs than I want what was the joke she took Molly instead of ecstasy he said she he her it no not you I mean you could be a lesbian you're not

just say it again just do it again I love this you have to say no to him don't give it a fucking shot Just say it again. Just do it again. I love this. You have to. You can say no to him. Don't give it a fucking shot, man. You want to hear the whole joke again?

Yes! Piper wants it. You got to do it again. A lot of confidence. A lot of confidence. Just take a beep, boom, boom, and fucking bang. Do I look like I need more confidence? Yeah.

Nitz, you're overcompensating. Okay, tell the fucking joke now. Oh, my God. Was that you cupping his thumb dick? What was that? Yes, you have a problem with that? No, I love it. I'm bottomless. You know, you could be right in between there.

What was the punchline? Let's get to the punch. Yeah. It's get to the punch. It's not a new drug. Right. You can't be like, no, this isn't cocaine. This is cocaine I put into a gel cap. It's called Samantha.

You've probably never heard of it. And once again, it crushes. Maybe that's the... Maybe that's the angle then. Maybe it's more about how people are trying to be hip. Yeah, everyone's talking about this new drug. It's definitely not a new drug. If your ecstasy has other stuff in it, it's because it's impure.

It's like saying your cocaine has formaldehyde in it, so you should try this new drug that's just cocaine. I think that's more of the actual thing. Rather than the gel tab. But these people are corpses right now. This podcast usually works a lot better

when we're in front of a live audience. And this is a disgrace. These fucking wax museum stand-ins that we have in here tonight are not cutting the cake, but they like being called out on it. Maybe have it instead of the cocaine be something that you could have a joke to. Maybe compare it to the purple stuff, the purple lean or whatever the shit the kids are drinking.

It's like cough syrup. Maybe say, yeah, and then there's lean, which is then try to find a joke in there instead of cough syrup. I haven't heard of that one. What is it? It's cough syrup, Robitussin. Is it different than, like, purple drink? No, it's the same shit. So it's just another thing that we gave a new name to

to sound cool. Right, yeah. Yeah, but if it's not the one that knows. Like, if it's not the exact same analogy. Is that what you mean? Right, right. That'd be easier to play with, maybe. Instead of purple drink or, you know, or lean, as the kids call it now. It used to be called something else.

I don't know. It just seems like that would be more fun to play with, I don't know, cough syrup. I like your style, Jason. Keep rocking, keep writing. Come back soon. Jason Van Glass. Unhurtable. I like it.

You can't wound him. Funny guy Jason is. He's on Twitter at Jason Van Glass, guys. So if you're listening to the podcast, you can follow him. This is always fun because I like one-name people. Put your hands together for Derek. Derek. One-name Derek.

You know what that means. You racist motherfucker. And you thought we didn't see him because he's black in the dark room? Josh! You're autistic. You're not a racist. Josh.

Much love. When somebody misses their spot a racist? I'm not. I'm just playing two and two together. Josh? Oh, much love. Much love. My favorite person. When somebody misses their spot here after signing up for the bucket, it's always fun because that means that they get blacklisted. Get to it. Get to it. Get to it. Fuck yourself. That's a fun take on it.

And we're going to do something a little bit different with our new blacklistings where we encourage you not to follow the person but tweet at them that they really fucked up by missing their spot. Because he did fill out his Twitter. At Real Derek Gary. He seems pretty fake. Derek Gary with two R's. So tweet at Real Derek Gary that he's never going to make it in show business.

Because he just got blacklisted from Kill Tony. Moving along, your next comedian, who I'm sure is here because they want to make it, goes by the name of Eddie Whitehead Jr. For the Bears on Mondays, y'all know just who we be. Oh, shit, two in a row. That means you're... Blacklisted.

There you go. Eddie Whitehead Jr. On Twitter at Eddie Whitehead Jr. This is great. This is fun. And I am pretty sure we're blacklisting a list of black people. So, I know Eddie. We know this guy.

We know this guy. One of the worst producers in podcast history. And human. One of our buddies of the show. Always with us, hustling and bustling around. He's going to do a minute right now. A new minute we haven't heard. Put your hands together for Josh Martin.

At Josh Martin Comics. We know he's here. Can we blacklist him anyway? Josh Martin, everybody. I don't know, guys. I wasn't prepared. I was running upstairs. Excuses is your opener, really?

One minute, Josh. Plow forward, Josh. Fuck it. I think people want equality. People want equality. They want races to be equal. I don't think they should be equal at all. I don't think we are equal people at all.

Like, black people can dance, which is great. I wish I could dance. All I can do is, like, people taxes. That's, like, way less useful than dancing. That's, like, useful once a year. At least with dancing, way less useful than dancing. That's like useful once a year. At least with dancing I can fuck while dancing. I've seen it.

People fuck while dancing and I'm like, I want that. I want to fuck while I dance. Yeah, that's it. Fuck it. You ended up accidentally killing, and I love that. It's the hardest I've laughed in a while. Dude, that was funny, but maybe you could start,

should have went like, I guess you can fuck while doing taxes. You could go into that whole thing, fucking while doing taxes. No one has ever fucked while doing taxes. Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! I've never done my taxes, but I'm just assuming. You just fuck. No, you get the calculators on your ass, the little imprint.

Turbo tax. Fuck yeah. Yeah, you get turbo fuck taxed. Then I'm clearly doing taxes all wrong. I mean, what do you have to pay taxes on? I'm just... Josh, are you fucking serious? You're a comedy store job?

I own a home. Oh, your parents are rich? That's weird. Wow. You just fucking nailed it. What kind of tax is like sales tax when you buy something from a store? I don't know. I get my money back.

It paints an amazing picture in people's brains that when you say fucking while dancing, I feel like everybody may have pictured something a little bit different. Some people more fucking in the bedroom while dancing. Some people on the dance floor just secretly fucking. Yeah, there's like a difference between dancing while fucking and fucking while dancing. Exactly.

I think foam parties. And that might be another thing to talk about, another layer on the accidental funny stuff that you put in an accidental funny order earlier. And the ultimate lesson is, man, is the, I mean, had I not said plow forward, move it so seriously, I mean, what were you going to do, just bail out? On the opening spot?

I mean, you self-destruct. Your first three words out of your mouth were, I don't know. Every audience, no matter who, no matter how smart or how stupid on any level is going to go, what do you mean you don't know? You just got, what the fuck? You don't know. What did you sign up for? No, the joke I wanted to do, I remember it now.

But that's fine. You don't need to say, I don't know, and I'm not prepared. Nobody will ever care. That's the part where it's fun to keep it real, and this is something I've had a lot of trouble with because I've always been more of a me than a performer. And it's something that I know is that you just can't bail out. Something that I learned, I mean, is that you just can't bail out.

They don't know your weakness until you tell them. They don't know that you forgot anything. They think you're comfortably starting your set. You could have said nothing and looked out there and been comfortable saying, hello, how are you doing, until it hit you that you only do taxes, and that's once a year, which is one beat, and then the fucking, well, taxes, that's another beat, and then you have something. But the ultimate standout lesson is that you do stand up way too much to ever panic.

There should never be a panic. There's no panicking. And just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no panicking, especially at the comedy store. And you're an employee here and a Kill Tony legend. I think it was funny that your excuse was I was running up the stairs. When does running up the stairs erase your joke from your memory?

I also was trying to get air. I couldn't breathe. Oh, also you have asthma? No, you're playing the sympathy card? That's why I don't fuck. Yeah, can you get us some water? I'm just kidding and you can make jokes about that stuff too

and if you would have kept it one level realer then you could have just said that instead of saying I don't know I was just running up the stairs you could have just said I was running up the stairs I don't have asthma but I look like I have asthma or you could talk over my well written joke for you

and never know what it could have been. You'll never know. You'll never know now. There's no way you'll be able to hear that when you re-listen to this podcast. And I'm not going to repeat it. Based on principle. Hey, Tony, I'm sorry to interrupt.

I know something really important here. I found it's Eddie Whitehead Jr. He was out back smoking. Oh, put your hands together for the talent coordinator of the store, former Kill Tony guest, Tommy Morris, everybody. Fuck yeah, you comedians better clap it up or else you'll never have a chance. Eddie, you missed your spot, man. Very good.

All right. He's addicted. Heck yeah. Oh, my God. This vape cigarette is blowing my mind, Brian. Why? Because the smoke just keeps hitting me. It's like, because the smoke just keeps hitting me and I smell these fruity pebble fucking... It's cotton candy.

Blow it that way. I don't want to smell cotton candy. It's like you're blowing cotton candy mist in my face. It's so distracting. I'm sorry. He hates that. I like that you were giving an autistic kid health advice and you're smoking a fucking cotton candy cigarette. You fat piece of shit. Eating cotton candy is when you're smoking a fucking cotton candy cigarette? You fat piece of shit.

Eating cotton candy is when you start smoking cotton candy. You are the least healthy human I've ever met in my fucking life. It's good shit. Oh my god. Autistic Patriot has something to say.

Can I say something? What started as a negative turned into a positive? I mean... Much love. I totally mean, and whether it's with your say, what started as a negative turned into a positive. I mean, much love. I truly mean that. It wasn't a joke. It's weird to have the worst Josh standing in front of the best Josh. Piper, what do you have for this young IRS Erwin R. Scheister? Love the wrestling fans

in the room, by the way, guys. Thanks for laughing at this. Well, you know, with the outfit you got on and the shoes and the apprehensive... I'm sorry, are we bothering you? And the apprehensiveness... Eddie, shut up!

It was enduring. It was enduring. If you had just kind of stumbled a little bit and they would have got with you playing that beat, that lost a little bit, they would have got with you playing that beat that lost a little bit and then boom, boom, boom I think would grab an audience in

I think if you came up looking like you do and you got the glasses and if you were huffing and a puffing then tell them you're huffing and a puffing and get it out, but be yourself because that was pretty cool I just thought out loud. I was thinking, oh shit, I don't know what I wanted.

I forgot what I was going to say. I just happened to say it out loud. Well, then tell them that. Yeah, guys. Right. I'm the worst comic as well as the worst producer. That's not true, Josh. That's not true.

If you're going to do self-deprecation, make sure there's a punchline on the end of it. That was Josh Martin, everybody. Yay! Hopefully the podcast audio won't pick up the one gunshot we're about to hear from the bellyroom greener. Bye, Josh. He's on

Twitter at JoshMartinComic. Truly a very, very funny rising stand-up. Fully committed. I'm sure he's going to... It's going to be funny when he's like the... He's going to be one of the first comedians with a speech impediment to make. The Louis C.K.? Because if he was going to quit, he already first comedians with a speech impediment to make it. The Louis C.K.?

Because if he was going to quit, he already would have quit. So it's going to, yeah, exactly. Louis C.K. Louis C.K. Or maybe a, well, it's funny if there's R's and L's in it is how you really get his mis-enunciation work.

So who's a comedian with a lot of R's and L's? Gabe Weo and Gabe Goysius. There you go. Let's get one more comic up here before we get our regular score on. What do you guys say? You still with us, crowd? Eddie, I'm sorry.

It's a thing with this show. You can't miss your spot. I love that you got so high that you... Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, settle down. I love... Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh Jesus, look at this revolt. Thanks a lot, guy with an 80s mustache. Jesus Christ. He thinks your show is going to give him a shot. You have to let him on. All five legitimate audience members agree that we should give him a shot. Oh, my God. I'm going to relieve you from your blacklist because I love audience members,

and I'm pandering for you fucks. So come back another week, and you guys can answer. Here's what I want in return is that Steve Catronio, are you here? Yes. Steve, how are you, buddy? Hi. You going to be here next Monday? You'll start off next Monday.

But in the meanwhile, I want you to, after the show, Steve, go up to each audience member that you see here and say, why did you take my minute from me tonight and ask for Eddie Whitehead? So Steve, we're going to kick it off next week with you, okay? Josh, will you remind me of that? He's already gone. He's killed himself. Obviously, it was a silent hanging. Ladies and gentlemen, one minute from one of my buddies. This is actually the first guy that I ever met when I started to do stand-up comedy. I signed up for the open mic here. I was here two hours early because I was so excited to sign up at 6 p.m. on a Sunday. And Eddie Whitehead Jr., who'd been doing it for years, was here two hours early because he was homeless. And we met

and we hung out and we talked and he was the first friend that I ever made in stand-up. He really is a good friend. He just got back from Chicago. We have the same birthday, June 8th. Put your hands together for one of my good pals. Eddie Whitehead Jr., everybody. Here's your gold watch for that speech. That was good.

Commitment. Props. I just have one question. I'm getting older. I'm having problems going to the doctor. You look like a hip crowd. You can answer this for me. Is it wrong to fall in love in the middle of a prostate examination? Yeah, I thought so because my dentist gave it to me.

And I was saying, shouldn't you be wearing a glove? And I said, you're not putting that thing back in my mouth, really. This guy's looking at me like, why is Samuel L. Jackson talking about his fucking prostate? I am not Samuel L. Jackson. I get mistaken for him all the time. Apparently Samuel L. Jackson is the only black man in the United States that can walk the streets and ask somebody what's in their wallet and not go to jail.

Man, Samuel Jackson to me. I've traveled a lot. I was in Arizona and I've seen a lot of strange things in Arizona because it was so hot. It was not good. And at the end. There you go. Samuel L. Jackson. Eddie Whitehead Jr.

That's for the podcast. The podcast people. Yeah. I love it. You know what else Samuel L. Jackson does is shows up for his gigs on time and is there when he's due to be on set. That's why he's one of the most worked actors in all the show business.

I'm the least worked. Well, hey, I'm working at it. Do you ever fuck with people with the Samuel L. Jackson thing? If you have the right hat on and sunglasses, do you ever play the part and get the pictures? I went to Egypt like that. The first of the year I went to Egypt because I look like Samuel L. Jackson.

I said, hell yeah, I want to go. Get the fucking car, bitch. They was there. It was like, cool. Did you make a joke on the plane? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I didn't make a joke. I was in the no snakes section, man. Come on. I'm flying large now.

That at least make the flight attendants laugh. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Matter of fact, they looked at me and were suspect it was on the train, on the plane. That's funny. It'd be really freaky if you took the train to India. The coolest thing was, I was in Egypt and I was at a museum. And this guy came over with his family. And he says, Mr. Samuel Jackson, I want to thank you for coming to my country.

This is my little daughter, my wife, and my son. We are very proud to have you here. And I looked at him and I says, cool. Take proud to have you here. And I looked at him, and I says, cool. Take me to your leader at this party. And he took me to some big shot, and we sat up all night and overlooked the city. It was real cool. That's cool.

But it's always that fear, because I don't look like Samuel Jackson. In another country, I can get away with it. Yeah, you do sound exactly like him, though. Yeah, there was a little problem, too, with the women. You can't be in the same room with the women. So I went to the bathroom, and there was like this 16-year-old girl, and she says, you have now sold me. I can never be married.

I was old. Now I've been in your presence. You have sold my essence. You must marry me. Now you go by Eddie Whitehead Jr. now, but Roddy Roddy Piper would know you better as Virgil. Virgil. Hey, me anddy Roddy Piper would know you better as Virgil. Virgil? Hey, me and Piper used to hang out.

Remember the dreadlocks, man? Yeah. Hey, man, we just got some stories between each other. Really? Yeah, you know, I want to compliment you on not growing up to be the dickhead you started to. Thank you. That was a human headshot.

I found an outlet for that. You did. You're doing good. I always Thank you. There was a human headshot. I found an outlet for that. You did. You're doing good. And I always admired you. Thank you. Yeah, you guys. I love the... Do you think I'm Brett Butler?

Yes, I do. Hell yeah. Not Brett Butler. Do you guys remember her Grace Under Fire, you don't? Yeah, it's Brett Butler. Of course you do, Josh. Topical.

You probably still watch it. I heard she's one of the worst people to work with in all the show business. That's why she can't get a job anymore. I think she's like an alcoholic and bipolar as well.

Which brings us back to Eddie. I love your style, Eddie. It's always so much fun. Now, you wrote down a Twitter here. Is that a real Twitter? Are you on Twitter? Yeah. You have a cell phone?

Hey, I'm high tech, man. You know how I roll. I got it from Boom. It's your old cell phone, Tony. That's right. Eddie, I'm so glad you're back. Are you going to be in L.A. for a while? I'm doing some stuff.

I got a jet, and I'll be back in about three months. I'm doing a documentary. Oh, very cool. It's on YouTube. It's called Nature Stand-Up. It's going to be put together. You're in it from day one. That's true.

You had me in the first month of my career. That's awesome. I would love to see that. It is amazing. Little baby monster. The craziest thing, like you said, we were born on the same day. And, you know, comics careers really progress to a hate point. You know, you hate your friends after a while.

And I'm older, much older than him, so he was like, yeah, you're over. I did not say that. You said things like that. I was busting your balls, Eddie. I wasn't really saying that you're over. I mean, you have to have a career before it's over. It gets to a point where it's...

Hey, man, I'm subculture, okay? What's this audience at tonight? I'm just killing it up here for nothing. Anyway, Eddie, I love you so much. We're going to move forward. If you really think he has a Twitter, then follow him at EddieWhiteheadJr on Twitter. You'll check it when he goes to the library. Here's your watch.

I love you so much, Eddie. I don't know why they weren't laughing at my bashing jokes, understanding that we're friends. Eddie is crippled, though. He got shot in the legs. Both of them? Yeah. He's like a 50 cent. A 50 cent ever just got shot in the legs.

Wait, shot? Was it two separate occasions? No, same time. Okay. Pretty good shot. Sorry that happened to you. Automatic weapon. Boom. Well, this got good.

That's amazing. Like, how did you only get shot in the legs? It's almost like the gangbanger was a midget or something. All right, that's enough of that story. You're not miked right now. We love you, Eddie. That was Eddie Whitehead Jr. We're going to move on to our two regulars.

We have two female comedians who have been being built since the show started. And every week they do a new minute. And it's always fun. Going up first this week, you know her from Dissentary, from Kill Tony. She has a very goofy sense of humor, yet serious and angry, where she'll take a small thing and turn it into something so much more. The very funny, very goofy Sarah Wine.

There's plenty though. A friend invited me over for dinner. I said, fuck yeah, free food. What are we eating? She said, meatloaf. I said, I will not be coming. What the fuck is meatloaf why is it even a thing if you eat enough meatloaf you will turn into a meatloaf like a lazy

meaty chubby fuck that's what happens if you eat too much meatloaf. There's no meatloaf in LA. It's just called tofu. Just a brick of tofu is the only meatloaf around here. If you're going to a restaurant specifically for the meatloaf, plan to have food poisoning. My mom made turkey meatloaf.

The whole family got sick. It was the color of a terracotta pot. That's all I have on meatloaf. That's 59 seconds. You could tell she is a Kill Tony veteran. 59.55 seconds. Now, let's talk about meatloaf, shall we? I have a feeling a lot of people don't hate meatloaf as much as you do,

so it's hard to get behind you. I've got to sell it more. I guess. Meatloaf's good. Yeah, it's really good. Really? Boston Market meatloaf sandwich? Are you kidding me?

You're the baddest person alive, Red Band. Just dip your fork into it. Who eats at fucking Boston Market anymoreloaf Sandwich? Are you kidding me? You're the baddest person alive, Red Band. Just dip your fork into it. Who eats at fucking Boston Market anymore? What? Holy shit. Boston Market's the bomb. How are you able to talk? I throw up.

I think there's something there, but I think I'm surprised that in the way that you normally write, that there wasn't more of the breakdown of any other meat that you eat, the specific name of the meat is in it, like chicken parmesan or steak. But only meatloaf is the only thing where it's like, yeah, it's meat. Trust me. You know, it's like nobody's asking the tough questions like what's the meat yeah it's true i don't know why i didn't think that well but i mean that's why that's why i mean i'm

on your shows but uh you know and what was the part where... You could get into something like how meatloaf's really just ketchup and meat. It's pretty much just a hamburger. It's pretty much a big hamburger. Don't they have breadcrumbs in it, too? Yeah, it is. It's pretty much just a hamburger. It's like an imploded hamburger. That's why when you say you hate meatloaf,

you hate burgers, and that's against America. It's like home cooking. You were even talking about your mom. Do you hate your mom? Maybe that's the joke. Yeah, you have mom issues, don't you? Are you on your period? No. Not yet. Brian, you almost made it the whole episode

behaving yourself. I was so proud. Such an odd question. And the fact that you gave an actual answer to that shows that you've been working with Red Band too much. Dysentery. No, I'm not on my period. Yeah.

Next week starting on Thursday. I'm shocked she didn't show us not on her period. Okay. Don't get Red Band to say the words prove it right now or else. All right, Sarah. Meatloaf. Yeah, it's an interesting one. I would revisit it and look at it from different perspectives. Ask yourself the tough questions like what else do we just put one condiment on

and it makes it a thing. Bread crumbs, what the fuck. That sounds like a wine shank bit if I've ever heard it before. Bread crumbs being its own thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it does seem like one. For example, how did breadcrumbs actually take off? That's one messy chef who found out the most awesome accident ever,

is just, hey, maybe I could sweep all this crap up and put it in meatloaf. That's funny. The fact that crumbs, which is normally put into a trash can, is a widely accepted variety of food. Or brushed off you is actually a food for sale. It could be like a Jujube, too. The dandruff

of condiments, breadcrumbs. Bread dandruff. Or like the leftover bread in the basket at someone's table that they don't eat and they don't know what to do with. Now, Piper, this young, sensational sherry that we have here. Like the leftover bread in the basket at someone's table that they don't eat and they don't know what to do with. Maybe they're just making it a bread crumb. Now, Piper, this young, sensational Sherry that we have here, what's the Piper input on Sarah Weinshank? I love her attitude.

You came up, your attitude was great. I wasn't fond of the profanity because your attitude was so strong. I thought you were going say loaf you said fuck i know me too yeah but you know it's kind of like if you eat the meat you loaf you know it's kind of like you were yeah had a you were strong you're a little girl you're small petite and you're beautiful and you're strong and you have an opinion. And when you use profanity, it takes away from your purity. You're too good of a writer

for that. Now Annie here has to use profanity all the time because Pussy juice is my punchline for everything. We want to thank Sarah. Yes, definitely. Sarah, thank you so much. That's the great Sarah Weinshank. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank.

I bet you could. Drink that water, Josh. The final comedian of the night dropped out of college at the University of Florida with just a couple semesters left. Put your hands together for Kimberly Conger. Always funny. Keeps it real. Talks about her life.

Hey, guys. I'm having a lot of trouble tricking guys into being my boyfriend. I don't understand what's going on. Because I feel like I'm smart, I'm funny, charismatic, humble. And I can cook, too. The other day I made a meal, and it tasted exactly like somebody should be paying my rent. I was like, what the fuck is going on?

When it comes to marriage and sex, I'm saving myself from marriage and focusing mainly on sex right now. That's important at 23. I'm staying away from kids. I'm doing the good old push out, pull out method. I call it that because you don't only pull out. It takes both partners because you've got to push too. Make sure you get your part of the job done

right. I'm done. I love it. You got it. That's it. Another 58 seconds for Kimberly Congdon. The internal clock. Once again, nailed it. Very fun stuff. That's a whole new batch of a fun

minute that I think can be stretched out and developed on. Annie? Yeah, I thought it was funny. Do you normally bring your purse on stage? No. Okay, I wasn't sure if that was like a take care of me like thing. Prop comic. Which, yeah, don't ever do that if you can.

I think it was really good. I think that a lot of female comics tend to do just misdirects and you should try to not have everything be like a oh, psych, I said this thing instead. I think those were all really good and really strong. I liked the...

What was the one before the push-out? Oh, focusing on the sex. That was funny. I really liked that. Piper, your input on this modern-day A.J. Lee? I think she's terrific. I think you're terrific.

You know you've got it all going. If you had more than a minute, there's no doubt in my mind that you would have had them wrapped around your finger. You're beautiful. You're intelligent. You dress hard. I thought you were great. Killed it. Kimberly Congdon. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon.

And we are out of time. Piper, anything coming up you want to promote? The bubblegum soda? Anything I want to promote? I have a podcast. There's a Rowdy Roddy Piper bubblegum soda pop now. And your podcast is PiperPod?

Yeah. What else am I doing? I was on one of those. Yeah. Find that episode. Podcast one. Legends House. Legends House. I just did a series.

Legends House. Highly recommend anybody and everybody. About to do another series here. Yeah. Get the WWE Network. It's only 10 bucks a month and watch all the episodes of Legends House. I've told everybody to watch it. It's my favorite show ever.

And I'm going to the UK to do a tour there for about 10. So cool. Annie Letterman, you're Annie Letterman on Twitter. Piper's R underscore Roddy Piper. R underscore Roddy underscore Piper. Gotcha. And I'm Annie Letterman. It's like David Letterman, but no

T is one D. You can remember. L-E-D-E-R-M-A-N. At Autistic Thunder is Josh Meyerowitz on Twitter. At Autistic Thunder. No underscore there, right? One word. Autistic Thunder. Red Band?

Me and Sam Tripoli are going to Florida on August 8th, 9th, and 10th. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Yep. Go buy a shirt at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Tony Hinchcliffe rocks. You know, this kid here, when I first came here, he hadn't eaten for two days. It's true. And I took him to an expensive place, Denny's.

And filled him up and talked to him. And you've come so far. Thank you, buddy. I'm really proud of you. You're the best. So much great advice and great stuff. One of my heroes and my best friends, Rowdy Roddy Piper. The great Annie Letterman.

Thank you, Josh Martin. Thank you. Thank you, live audience. It's been so much fun. See you again soon. Kill Tony. Thank you. Outro Music