KILL TONY - KILL TONY #58

Episode Date: July 23, 2014

Kirk Fox, Adam Eget, , Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iranian Patriot/Joshua Meyrowitz , Brian Redban – Date: 06/30/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Brian, and you are listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Today is the day. Actually, today, July 23rd, Wednesday, I am driving down to San Diego. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, the girls, a Iron Patriot, and a bunch of people are going down to the American Comedy Company for a huge week of Death Squad shows for Comic-Con 2014, which starts today. So if you're listening this today, go down to San Diego. Go to AmericanComedyCo.com and check out Kill Tony at 8 p.m., followed by A Thunder Pussy.

And then the following day, tomorrow, we have a huge comedy show with Burt Kreischer Steve Agee, Tiffany Haddish Billy Bonnell, Yoshi Abayashi, if I said that right, a bunch of people are going to be there and a huge surprise guest that I'm not allowed to tell you

who because of contracts and stuff so anyways, go to AmericanComedyCo.com or go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. There you have the new tour date calendar. You also see that next month in a few weeks, me and Sam Tripoli are going to Florida. I'm going to be in Tampa August 8th, Jacksonville August 9th and August 10th. I'm going to be in Orlando. Me, Sam Tripoli, bringing Death Squad to Florida for the first time. So go check that out.

And then way out in September, we have the L.A. Podfest. And we're planning something huge this year. Last year, we had Marc Maron, Doug Benson. It was a huge Kill Tony show. This year, I'm bringing Kill Tony back, but I'm, there's going to be a huge surprise. All right. So check it out. Go to death squad.tv. Click on tour dates. Also check out the new death squad store, shop squad.tv. We have new t-shirts, hoodies, hats, toys, posters, flasks, stickers. We have everything. And all the proceeds that we get from everything

helps pay for this. And I said helps. Because it doesn't pay for everything. But I try. I try not to go bankrupt. So anyways, check it out. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony Vol. 2.

Get up for Tony Fastlegs Hedgeclips! Wow! Oh, my God, everybody! Holy moly! How you guys doing? Damn. Yeah, fuck yeah, this is exciting. Welcome so many new faces and friendly people here on a Monday evening at the Comedy Store. Excited to have you guys. We have a very, very, very, very, very fun show lined up.

You sped out here today. I was a little excited. I was a little excited to come out. I didn't wait for you to say my name. I know that it always takes a couple seconds before I can make it across. It's a very weird entry point for a podcast. There's always a few seconds of pause. I said, you know what?

Let's trim a second off today. I'm coming out early. Damn. You just missed your squirt. That's all. That's true because nothing makes me more excited to come to work than our sponsor, Delicious Diet Squirt. Can anybody guess when squirt started making squirt? Throw out a year, go ahead. 73.

73, that's a good guess. 69 is a good guess, but it was actually longer than that. I'm purposefully talking over you, sir. But 1938, believe it or not, squirt started, and they don't ever get the respect they deserve. Am I right? A lot of people take squirt for granted. They think they're probably new in the game.

Well, guess what? They've been around a lot longer using the same recipe. But what really quenches my thirst is diet squirt, caffeine-free thirst quencher, diet squirt, less than 1% juice, everybody, for those of you that didn't know. And fun fact of the year, that was the same year that Hitler seized control of Germany army and put Nazi in key post.

Diet squirt, a delicious thirst quencher since 1956. That's awesome. 1938. The same year that Germany troops... Hitler took over in 38? Yeah, they entered Austria. Why are these all German invasion facts, Brian? Because that's why they made squirts.

Guys, this is perhaps the greatest beginning to any show ever. It's so loud in here. Diet squirt, delicious. As people are getting drink orders. This is very exciting. I love these three guys right here. They're from one of my favorite bands. What's the name of your band?

Fart. For those of you listening, go listen to some Fart. Hanging out with us anyway diet squirt delicious and awesome we have a fun Kill Tony is going to Comic Con

at the end of July July 23rd July 23rd Kill Tony and Thunder Pussy is going to be at the American Comedy Co. If you're a comic, get there an hour early. I think it will be like 7 o'clock. Sign up.

Depending on how many people are in the show, you probably won't have to buy a ticket if you're a comedian. So don't worry about that. But it should be a lot of fun. And then the following day we just have a comedy show, July 24th, starring Bert Kreischer is going to be joining us July 24th. So it's going to be a lot of fun. And then the following day, we just have a comedy show, July 24th, starring Bert Kreischer is going to be joining us July 24th. So it's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to have a lot of

surprise guests, because there's always a bunch of comics in town for that, that want to do some stage time. I always have fun in San Diego. I once had a bird shit in my mouth in San Diego, guys. That actually happened. I wasn't laying on the beach. It got me when a friend made me laugh really hard,

and my head went back just for a second, and that bird shit in my mouth. Do you remember what it tasted like? Was it blueberry? I remember exactly what it tasted like because a bird shit in my mouth, and that doesn't happen very often. Does it taste like regular poop?

It seems like it would be more sugary. It's a good question if it tastes like regular poop or not it because it seems like it would be more sugary it's a good question if it tastes like regular poop or not um like you're talking when you say regular poop do you mean human poop yeah well you know like when you don't wipe so good and you like it's your mouth and you you've everyone's done it no nobody no you've done that that's you had a porn star shit in your mouth once no no thank god absolutely not i haven't had a porn star shit in your mouth once? No. Thank God, absolutely not. I haven't had a porn star do anything in my mouth. All right, so you know what poop smells like, though. I draw the line with porn stars at my mouth. There's a line right there.

Really? Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, you know. I don't ever have the thing where I pooped on my hand and then itched my mouth. I'm just kidding about that. Oh, come on. But you know what shit smells like, though? Does it taste like what it...

Does it taste like the smell? No. Bird shit tastes like salty... Oh, salty. Salty seafood. Oh. So it's not that bad. By the way, we serve food here at the Comedy Store.

Chicken tenders and chips and salsa, I do believe. But anyway. Always keeping us safe. We always have a head of security on the show, guys. And this is, we always have a patriot to protect us. And this is July 4th weekend coming up. So it's a real

special patriot as if it wasn't always every week. But it's the return of one of our favorite patriots ever. Wow. This has to be something very American. Well, in the style of going against the grain, I decided

to bring back one of our most un-American patriots ever. It is truly the Iranian patriot, everybody, Hormoz Rashidi. The Iranian patriot. Oh, look at him doing the Iranian dances to get it started. He's extremely Iranian.

How are you doing today, Patriot? I'm good. I'm good. I'm happy to be here on the 4th of July to celebrate the day that you guys got your independence. I'm an Iranian-American, so, yeah. All right. Sounded a little sarcastic there at the congratulations on our independence, but I'll take it anyway. Looks like he has his girlfriend's scarf. Ooh.

This isn't for warmth. It's to let the Jews know where I stand. There's no Jews here. I love Jews. Of course you do. Nothing says I love Jews more than... Diet squirt. That's right.

Since 1938. You ever drink diet squirt, Patriot? Yes, I have. That's when you make an Iranian diet squirt, Patriot? Yes, I have. That's when you make an Iranian woman squirt, right? All right. Obviously, the Iranians didn't do so well in the World Cup today. Your sense of humor is a little bit off. Yeah.

We lost. But we should have had a penalty kick against Argentina. That shit was rigged. Fuck Argentina. All right. So far, I could have heard a pin drop after everything that you've said so far. But I love your style. You're coming in as like the bad guy patriot, very villainous and dark and evil.

So I'm glad that you're looking over us. Nothing better than an Iranian patriot who, in our defense, if anything happens, will just blow up the entire room with himself in it. They're not really the best at security. But what's awesome is that, of course, we always have two guests, two of our funniest friends come on. This one's a very special one to me because I have one of my favorite partners in crime. And first time, who's also the manager of the Comedy Store and the co-host of the Norm MacDonald podcast. Put your hands together for our guest tonight. It's the great Kirk Fox and Adam Egan.

Everybody, it's really happening. and Adam Egan everybody every single night here powerful and mighty hurt box a kill Tony favorite and one of my favorite comics and pals good to be here Tony thank you so much for having me guys Brian also good to see you. Sometimes you wonder why I don't ever say hi, and it's mostly internal, but good to see you. Good seeing you guys. And that's our patriot.

Yeah, Iranian. I got scared when you said you could hear a pin drop, because I thought he had maybe pulled a grenade. And we're off and running. Thank you. Kirk Fox. Thank you very much.

Bringing the thunder. Tied it in. Tied pin drop, grenade, and heritage. Boom. It confirms that this is a live audience because I couldn't get it rolling. I had to pitch. It's on now. I have a deal with Squirt where I have to.

It's on now. I made a deal with Squirt. Good thing I got out here when I did. You were losing people. Exactly. It's this weird deal I signed with Squirt where not only are they our new sponsor, but I have to mention them, I guarantee

ten times before I bring up the Patriot. Well, you're at two. How much are you getting from Squirt? These cans of Squirt that they give us. That's really it. We are getting paid in cans of squirt that they give us is really it um we are getting paid in cans of squirt so uh you know this is a joke i'm about to say everybody listening to the podcast but if anybody in the audience wants to buy diet squirts from us we have an abundance of them now when you say squirts and put an S on it, does it still count?

Don't you have to say squirt? It means multiple squirts. Yeah, they want you to buy more than one, so they probably like it. You know what we should do? We should shake this as hard as we can, and then somebody that comes in, we should be like, hey, do you want a squirt? And then we could all watch. Brian, we had the room going so well.

I guess you felt that the laughter wasn't enough. Wacky hijinks would ensue. I mean, we have to be honest. That would be fun. Maybe for Josh Martin. Josh, you want a can of squirt? Will you want to open a can of

squirt here on stage? Fair enough. Actually, we fired Josh this week, and we have a new producer. I know that sounds like Josh, but it's actually not Josh. Did you know that? No, I didn't. Who is that? Well, I'll tell you right now.

I mean, he looks different. He looks like he's carrying himself with a lot more confidence. That mystery man is actually a... We fired Josh at the end of last week's episode. He was spilling tequila on us and stuff like that accidentally. You know, he's got a little speech impediment. So this week we hired, there was one guy that applied for his job and we hired him. Put your hands together for our newest showrunner, the great Luchador

Martin. Here he is. I'm a squirt, sir. Totally different than Josh Martin. No, Josh, you've got to open. Luchador, you want to say something into the microphone? See? Yeah, see? He's bilingual.

That should help. Why don't you enjoy a diet squirt? He's definitely bi. I don't know if lingual is the... Oh, come on. This is the worst idea. I totally zinged you. In your face! Yeah, you loser. Is it delicious?

Tastes like garbage. Oh, God. You can cut that out. We can edit that out. Gay Mysterio Jr. Oh, look at that. Very good. Still trying to make up for those lost jokes.

Have you ever noticed that you never see Luchador and Josh Martin in the same room at the same time? It's odd. I haven't even thought of that. You don't think that they could possibly be... Oh, I thought you were going to say you don't think he was retarded. Oh, Josh, what are you doing back here?

I thought you were fired. You just missed Luchador. That was weird. That's one of the worst sketches that we've ever improvised in the history of kill tony turns out i thought josh in a luchador mask was a lot funnier than halfway through that people were hoping it had been a grenade it's these corporate sponsors man they're changing the show josh just a comedy note from now on it's

funniest if when I say you want to say something that you would actually talk exactly how you normally talk because your speech impediment is what's funniest. So when you said C, you gave me nothing to work with. But there you go. Very good. All right.

Yikes. I love Josh Martin. I believe in him. He used to be a manager at McDonald's who used to sponsor the show but they dropped us turns out they weren't loving it after all

but we're moving on and I'm glad to have you guys here it's important for the audience to see how hard comedy is it's true It's true. It's true. I mean, they're getting a firsthand look at some of the most powerful people in the world bombing on a microphone. It's true. It's true.

The Iranian patriot. I'm not the most powerful, but thank you. I just keep mentioning sponsors over and over again. I've completely sold my soul for cans of soda that I don't even drink. It has affected your timing and your comedy. It's true. I'm just pointed out. Squirt may be not worth it.

It's true. That's what I'm saying. Look at the cactus, Gould. I'm going to write a letter to my friends over at Squirt and I'm going to negotiate this promotion. Can they read over there? I'm going to write a letter. I'm going to handwrite a letter to my friends over at Squirt and I'm going to negotiate this promotion. Can they read over there? I'm going to write a letter. I'm going to handwrite a letter

to the makers of Squirt. How many times do you think that sentence has been uttered in history? I'm going to write a letter to my friends over at Squirt. What is going on with this episode so far? This has been kind of weird. Do we smoke too much weed? No. First of all, I'm enjoying it. It's nice to be a part of it.

Laughter isn't crucial. It's more about education tonight, clearly. But laughter. And I'm here to help. It's true. If you wanted laughter, you could have got somebody else. This is serious time for you. Absolutely.

You know, these people laugh all day. A lot of them peaked before they even got here. And I'll be honest. I'm thinking about some emails I've got to get to. Oh, you son of a bitch. Now, Adam is not only the manager of the Comedy Store. This is the first time since Tommy made a guest appearance on the show that a Comedy Store, you know, big wig, one would call you, even though you have such a short style haircut.

One could easily call you a big wig. I shit you not, I did not know that you were manager here. Oh yeah. Are you serious? I didn't know. You just go up to random people once a night and ask, can you get me my checks? Yeah. I thought you just were in control of that room.

Just the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're the manager here. I am a manager. You gotta get your shit together. It's a common theme, I know. I had no idea. I know. I'm working on it.

So this is good. I had a lot of questions for you. I didn't know that they'd be with the microphone. This has already been productive, for you at least. Well, I got out of the house, and I'm meeting new people. Good, good, good. He's also the co-host of the Norm MacDonald podcast. Sidekick, yeah. Someone had to be.

Yeah, someone did have to be, and it was me. I got to see him do stand-up live for the first time I've ever seen him live just a few nights ago. And I giggled like I haven't since I first saw my first stand-up comedian. Do you remember how when you first got into it, you were like, this shit's hilarious. Is that almost a laugh? No, I mean, I laughed in between the giggles like it was that's what i'm saying it's like i was cracking up so hard that i was just slamming stuff and laughing in between on his setups and on it's funny sounds like a show that even like to have seen every word that came out of his mouth was funny every style that he did it and it was unbelievable he's impressive yeah

and that's all new stuff. My favorite weekend update guy ever. Yeah, he was flawless. Did you guys meet when you used to work in Arizona? Yeah. I was managing over there. Actually, at the time, the first time I met him, I was a server. And then we just went out and played poker and

talked about old film noirs and shit. And we would play poker until like noon the next day. He would stay. I'd have to go in and work and serve. It wasn't just about playing. No. I didn't have time for that shit.

I had to go out there and sling some cocktails. I had to sell some fruit and cheese platters and shit. You went from server at an Arizona comedy club to manager of the world famous comedy store. You went from a server to a taker. Well, hold on. Do you remember when you first moved out here before you got a job here? We were talking.

That's right. And you go, Brian, I got an offer to go to the comedy store. Or there was something else. A tour manager, a road manager for Norm. Yeah, a road manager for Norm MacDonald, a road manager for Norm MacDonald. And I said... Norm MacDonald. He said, hands down, do not take this job at the store.

You are an idiot. You'll kill your life. So you ended up doing both because he doesn't do a lot of road, right? Well, no. Yeah, he does some road. No, I just took the job. Yeah. I went against Red Band's advice.

Was I correct, though, if I were to go back in time? I think I made the right choice. Because he probably canceled that tour, right? Yeah, I mean, he cancels a lot of stuff. This has been great. It's a lot of fun. It's fun working at the store. I get to hang out with my friends and

Kirk. Adam's one of the funniest. Sitting with the store. I get to hang out with my friends and Kirk. Adam's one of the funniest. Sitting with the manager. I did not know that would be happening tonight. I love it. Any comedians that get up here, you have a chance to speak directly with

the manager of the comedy store. One of the managers of the comedy store. Definitely one of the funniest, one of my funniest pals. So I'm glad to have you here. Thank you. Iraqi Patriot, did you have any questions for our guests?

Kurt. Yes, sir. As everybody knows, Kurt is huge within the Iranian community. Am I? That's good to know. I spoke to the Iranian community. Super. And where is that community?

I'd like to, I've never even seen it. It President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community.

The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community.

The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to the Iranian community. The President's wife, and I spoke to why not I would say yeah my favorite food is pizza

so I mean thank you for you to even bring that up yeah pizza thank you how about for Adam did you have a question for Adam how many Iranian girls have you fucked zero actually zero

is that a disappointment I'm sorry I didn't even know that it was an option oh it's not for me yeah for anyone can you fuck iranian women how many iranian women have you slept with is what i want to know you're an iranian right really is that true yeah i've always wanted to yeah i it's like a forbidden fruit kind of thing because i'm jewish it's like sleeping with the enemy. Is it kind of risky though?

You take off her curtains and then you're like, oh shit, too late. I have to sleep with her. No joke, they are pretty hairy girls. But once they get older they start learning about Nair and stuff. And they're so beautiful. Nice.

Would you marry an Iranian woman? No, no, no. Why? Why is that such a power? You said no like eight times. What do you have against your people? Well, most Iranian women hang out in large groups of Iranians.

For safety, correct? Those are just the worst. For safety? Worst Iranians. Sounds like he's talking like a National Geographic describing a herd of willy-nilly. A cell of Iranians.

Yeah, they always describe it as a cell, yeah. I never thought about it, but it's something to think about now. It sounds wonderful. Yeah. Okay. Just a group of Iranian women just dropped right in the middle. Absolutely. Yeah, I've always, to answer your question, no, I haven't.

I've always wanted to sleep with a person. Do you have a sister, Hormoz? I do have an older sister. She's married and has two kids. Well, she's not cheating. She's not trying. There you go. High five on that.

I didn't even hear it or understand it, but I'll high five to it all day. Guys, you know the show. Comedians get pulled out of a bucket. They do one minute. Comedians, you know your minute's up whenians get pulled out of a bucket. They do one minute. Comedians, you know your minute's up when you hear the sound of a kitty cat. Aw, how cute.

That means wrap it up, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Obviously starting his night... There's a little nightclub West Hollywood bear for you. I hate that sound so much Oh man So there we go

You guys ready? This is Josh What number is this? 58? Episode 58 of Kill Tony Here we go Oh you know what?

Something crazy This is the first ever episode Out of all 58 that at the end of the last episode, I made a joke about how the audience cost this guy him getting up because I had to put another guy up who got blacklisted earlier on. And this guy didn't get up even though I had already pulled his name. So I told him he could go up first this week for the first time ever. Our first set person in a lineup. Put your hands together for the one minute of Steve Cotronio. Fucking ball it.

Turn the dyke bitch out. Have a fucking ball. Peace. All right. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Let's get into it. One of my least favorite feelings in the world, fellas.

Maybe you can feel me on this. You're with your lady. You're making sweet, sweet love. You're on top. And her hands begin to crawl up your arms. And then all of a sudden the search party begins, all of a sudden. For all the muscles. This is not the time for

judgment, okay? Alright? I've already got the shakes. I don't need any more acknowledgement of what's going on. Fellas, this happens, stay in the pocket, okay? This is the worst judgment I ever got. I was with my ex-girlfriend, and I drooled all over her back, and she was pissed.

She turned around, she gave me the death eyes, her pussy clenched its teeth. It was fucking bad. But I stayed in the pocket. And you know what? One of us had a great time. So I got that going on for me. All right.

You know what? We'll just end it there. We'll just end it there. Steve. 50 seconds. I could see there was a 51 seconds. There was 9 seconds

spaced out for laughter that didn't happen. Let me get this right, Steve. You're talking about a woman grabbing your arm and then your version of staying in the pocket when that happens instead of panicking is drooling?

Oh, okay. Those two different examples. You should have a search party to find my muscles was what it was. I didn't understand the drooling part. It was just a different example of getting judged in the bedroom

and plowing through. Do you think that she was actually judging you or do you think she was just grabbing your example of getting judged in the bedroom and plowing through. Now, do you think that she was actually judging you, or do you think she was just grabbing your arm and maybe that was just internal, like your own shit? It was probably more internal than anything else. I can understand that. Getting self-conscious. I like your persona, your delivery, and the inflection. I hear a lot of Dave Attell in you. I think maybe that's just me.

Did you not hear any of that? I hear Dave Attell in you only in the way that it looks a lot of Dave Attell in you. I think, maybe that's just me. Did you not hear any of that? I hear Dave Attell in you only in the way that it looks like you ate Dave Attell. No, anyway. One thing that I do find interesting, though, is that any woman that would grab your arms,

I mean, they gotta sorta know by what you look like what they're in for with that. She saw the trailer she bought the ticket to the movie i mean you're there yeah i think they'd be more shocked if there was pure hard rock muscles under that i mean you do look like the top half of a centaur however you don't seem like the kind of guy that would be really ripped to me but the truth is you know

you do look like you might have some muscle there so that kind of threw me a little because already i was like this guy's got a little more muscle than me but i do i did like the way you attacked it you came out and attacked it but you attacked it so hard that you blew through some of the joke i mean we still want to hear what you're talking about so even when you come up here take a deep breath It's only going to use up five seconds, which you had at the end. So you can catch your breath and then just start talking about it.

And trust your material. You were bailing out of it while you were doing it. I was. Yeah, and don't ever do that again. I'm sorry. Just trust yourself. I won't. You came down here and you parked, so you get up here on stage and you change lives. Now, what do you do to work?

Do you work out? Not with any regularity. What's the closest, like, what do you do regularly that could count as working out? I mean, push-ups, sit-ups, and I have a pair of dumbbells. I take the dust off them every now and again and get them out. Where do you leave the dumbbells when you put them away? Where do you put them?

By my bed. Under your bed? No, just next to it. Next to it. Yeah. See, now, personally, I find it more interesting the way you're talking right now. Okay. I mean, I think you can get up there and still believe in yourself,

but you don't have to speed it up. Because you're a chilled guy. Are you chilled? Yeah, usually. A little bit of nerves and one minute like I want to get it all in there. Yeah, but you want to get it all in there? Or you want to get it in there enough to at least get some laughs? Yeah, that's true. So just get a little in there. Sometimes just the tip of your

dick is funny enough. It's true. The classic blunder that seems to sometimes throw people off on the show is they try to squeeze too much into the minute instead of having the minute shine on its own. Iranian Patriot. What do you think of Steve Catronio?

I love Steve Catronio. Huge fan. Drooling on the girl. That's great. I'd switch it to spitting on her maybe. Wow. Look at that. We're in America now. We drool. We don't spit.

Who would have thought the Iranian... I thought he put in good effort. What? What did you say? I thought it was good effort. Good effort. Okay, Patri okay patriot that's enough of you just trust your material that's all i can tell you because you got some funny stuff but you just tried to squeeze too much in there and then you you didn't you blew you

canceled yourself out you didn't even finish some of those jokes yeah yeah so finish one of them instead of not finishing four of them. All right, man. Thank you. Steve Catronio, thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Steve.

I love when women, when they're working out, they're like, oh, my God, feel my muscle. And my favorite thing to do is just like to pinch the top part of the fat and go, what?

You know, like, because they expect you to go like this. Oh, why'd you do that? I don't know why I thought that. How often are you around chicks when they're working out? No, I mean, whatever.

What do you do? Work out at the all-girls section of the gym? No, I don't work out. I don't. But you know what I'm saying. Girls always have muscles. You don't need to work out.

You have enough followers. Right. That is so funny. That's a great bumper sticker. Put your hands together for Joe Morisi. Funny guy. He gets on a lot. Joe Morisi. Thanks, guys.

Don't you guys feel that in the movie Big, starring Tom Hanks, that Tom Hanks' character could have just been a guy jerking off the whole time? You know, he was this little, pubeless, little dick kid, and the next day he's a 35-year-old, hairy dick grown man with gallons of semen like he's just not going to play with himself for about a week? Why would you go somewhere?

Don't you guys feel that in the movie Cast Away starring Tom Hanks that Tom Hanks' character could have just been a guy jerking off the whole time. It's like, dude, you're stuck on this island. Nobody's coming for you.

Just knock down some of these coconuts, squirt on some of that water, just get a tan and jerk off for a while, man. Don't you guys? All right. Was the next one Forrest Gump? The Terminal was next. It's beautiful.

Listen, I think it's a good theme. Yeah. Listen, I like how you believed in what you were talking about. I went on that ride. Yeah, more like Tom Spanks. Squirt, squirt.

Since 1938. I'll be honest I never have I've never thought about that I never watched Big and thought this guy should be jerking off but you know what I thought that was hilarious I think it's true

I think if I was 12 and then I woke up 35 I'd be jerking off and playing the piano with my feet yeah I'd be jerking off and playing the piano with my feet. Yeah. Which one's Terminal? Remind me. He's stuck in the airport. Yeah, he gets stuck. I was thinking Philadelphia story.

That would be great. That's another good one. That was Terminal. I feel like Philadelphia is too easy, though. I don't know. Like, you could see that one coming. Yeah, AIDS and jerking off is easy yeah you know i would have seen the terminal though i would have got lost by the

terminal i thought maybe you're going like on golden pond next or something like a throws for a curveball i'm trying to go with joe versus the volcano i want to get that in there i think yeah but only what like four people probably so yeah i find so many movies that you can jerk off. Look, I thought, yeah, you stuck to the theme, you had confidence in your material, and I thought it was very funny. I liked it. Yeah, you got mail. That's right.

Iraqi Patriot. What's another one? Are we just going to name two names? Forrest Gump, he would have. Sleepless in Seattle is a perfect title for somebody who'd be jerking off all night. I mean, Apollo, you're stuck up in zero gravity. You can tie that into a load.

Buzzing buddies. This could be a half an hour long closing. Yeah, that's training. You could probably do an hour. Oh, yeah. You're telling me that you just stormed the beach in Normandy. You don't want to rub one out after? Yeah, that was great, though.

That was very funny. He does. I mean, I came twice. I thought it was fantastic. I love how you always have somebody that reminds you of something. Like a young Brett Ernst. Like a young Dave Attell. That's what I say.

That's a good angle. It's my angle. Everybody needs an angle. You're like a young Tom Hanks. Oh, nice. Perfect. I love Joe vs. the Volcano. Have you guys seen that?

Yeah. I love that movie. I think it doesn't get the credit it deserves. Yeah, I agree. I'm pretty sure the volcano. Okay, I should see it. I don't know. I remember that great scene about him.

Can you get the job? Can you do the job? Can you get the job? It was like five minutes long. It was great. You ever watch shows versus the volcano and just want to come on something? Yeah. Patriot, what do you got?

I was going to say Apollo 13 would be another one you could do. Did you not hear me say that? Did you not hear me say that? I didn't hear it, no. I didn't say that, I'll be honest. It's all right. It wasn't in Farsi, so he couldn't understand. Toy Story.

Oh, yeah. I mean, for a character named Woody, he should be jerking off. There it is. Take it on the road. Cut to 40 named Woody, he should be jerking off. There it is. Take it on the road. Cut to 40 minutes later. We're still just naming. Right. Yeah, what the fuck are we doing?

Sorry, everybody who signed up. Three comics go by, and just in the middle, someone said, I go, money pit. All right, I think you know you were successful. I think you know you did well tonight.

You can exit. It was very fun. Joe Morisi. Thank you, guys. Great job. Killing it. He was very fun. Joe Morisi. Great job. Killing it. He's on Twitter at Joe Morisi. Joe M-A-R-R-E-S-I. And don't forget about Steve Cotronio's

on Twitter. I'll never watch a Tom Hanks movie again without thinking I'm surprised he's not jerking off. How can he not be jerking off in this scene? It's Tom Hanks. Captain Phillips. On a ship? With Haitians?

Of course you're going to jerk off. You got to relieve the stress of being taken hostage. That scene was probably in the director's cut. Fuck yeah. I love the energy in this room tonight, guys. I just want to say that I thank you for coming out. This is the

most exciting of anything I've ever done before. Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Stretch, S-H-E. Wow, that's a long name. S-H-E. Thank you very much, guys. Happy to be here. A little bit of much, guys. Happy to be here.

A little bit of pain, though. I got a pinched nerve in my neck, shoulder area. I'm pretty sure I got it at work from carrying around all this unsuccessful. I do have a day job now. I work in a restaurant. It's better than my last day job. Well, not really. I used to sell cocaine. It's better than my last day job. Well, not really. I used to sell cocaine. I was a big Hollywood drug dealer for 13 years. It's a nice job.

A lot of money. The number one question asked about me being a drug dealer is, wow, I just fucked that whole joke up. That's all right. You're a drug dealer. Keep going. The number one question asked about me being a Hollywood drug dealer for 13 years is, do you have any now? That's the number one question asked. The number two question asked about

me being a big Hollywood drug dealer for 13 years is, why are you telling us your life story? Can you please just take our order? Just had a kid, recently had a kid. Thank you. Oh, okay. Fuck yeah. Stretch SHP.

Well, that's fun. Anything crazy ever happen while selling drugs in Hollywood for 13 years? No. I mean, I've sold coke to a lot of crazy people. I mean. It seems like that'd be a real around-the-clock job. It was. I took Mondays off.

Mondays was the only day I didn't sell cocaine. What made you stop if you did stop? I did stop. I think it was about time and then also a girl, kind of. I think maybe there's something in selling Coke for 13 years. You went along with the technology of the Coke dealer game. When you started, you had a pager. And then by the end, people are sending you emoticons asking for cocaine.

True. Maybe there's something there. Not in that exact order. If you're going to use the, I was a Coke dealer, then you got to dive into what was funny about it. No one wants to hear about a Coke dealer unless you're giving us Coke. Or unless you're funny. Okay. Like maybe

I just think that 13 years like so much changed in the 13 years that you started and ended Coke. The people I was dealing with. Like you can't sell Coke for 13 years and everybody that you've been dealing with kind of leaves.

And then you either got to get younger. Well, they die and go to prison and then you just have a girlfriend and then you can't keep up with their coke habit. Yeah. Did you ever deal to a celebrity or a big Hollywood name whose career ended up fading away? No, but I did deal to one who's made a comeback. Ooh. Were you part of their comeback? I was not part of their comeback.

I was probably part of their downfall before the rise, yeah. Gotcha. Interesting. Was it Tom Hanks? Yeah. Did you say Tom Hanks? Was it Tom Hanks? Yes. You've got to have a lot of good stories from all that stretch.

Just how long you've been doing it. Yeah, I mean. How much pussy you probably got thrown at you. Yeah, I mean, there is a lot of stories. You know, I mean, I couldn't dive into it in one minute, and I kind of fucked up that joke, so it was just. But, yeah, there's a lot of stories. There's a lot more I need to dive into.

You probably can't mention any of the celebrities that you saw, right? You know what I'm saying? I wouldn't. At least not this stage. So maybe there's some other things you can talk about besides drug dealing. Yeah, absolutely. Like the time you sold Coke to Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. Or

Amy Winehouse. Neither of those three. For you podcast listeners, he's giving me a thumbs up and nodding his head yes right now. He's also writing down Michael Jackson. Did you ever get arrested? I did not. Oh, that's awesome.

No, I had a successful, 13-year successful run at selling cocaine. Never got popped, never got in trouble. Were you ever in a chase or anything? Never, nothing. Did you get arrested recently for anything? I did get arrested two weeks after I stopped selling cocaine. That's what I thought. But it was because I had a warrant.

It was because I had a warrant. For 13 years of cocaine. They couldn't find me. Then I made a huge mistake and smoked weed with a stripper next to Trocadero. We've all done that. Without paying attention. That is a big mistake and smoked weed with a stripper next to Trocadero. We've all done that. That is a big mistake. Where's the Trocadero

at again? Right up the street. Right next to the body shop. Oh, shit. The body shop. That's where it all goes down. Trocadero. The body shops in the most recent Grand Theft Auto. They make it so real and everything.

Yeah, the comic is there. The stores are there. When the game first came out and the first thing I did was I found a red catalog. Can I ask you a question? What was the joke? What was the joke? What did you talk about for a minute?

The first thing was working at a restaurant. The second thing was still working at a restaurant, but. Yeah, it was a callback to working at a restaurant. The second thing was still working at a restaurant. It was a callback to working at the restaurant. He had two questions that people ask him most. The number one question I asked. You just got to be a little more specific. So that I don't

have to ask, what were you talking about? True that. I just stepped on it. I stepped on the whole joke. Maybe if you sell yourself some coke and do some writing, that'll get really crisp and tight. Did you ever, when you sold, did you do it also? Did you play it smart?

No, I didn't. When I sold it, I didn't. I dabbled a little after I was out of it. After I was done selling it. Did you miss it? No. I missed the money. That's the only thing i was good about is the money and it allowed me to do whatever else i wanted to do or look into whatever else i wanted to look into did you ever have a thing like we see in the movies when uh when you're selling it to some big celebrity do

they does anyone ever tried to like make you do some in front of them to make sure you weren't a cop or like i don't know like i see it in movies like true romance and stuff like that you do some in front of them to make sure you weren't a cop or like I don't know like I see it in that movie like true romance it's not like you do some to you know that shit's all fake by the way like that movies like that that old saying like the wall like you have to tell me if you're a cop that whole thing yeah yeah you could tell I've never told anybody I've never told anybody. Stretch. Fuck yeah.

I love your style. Stretch, you look good up there, man. Come back with some jokes next time and attack it. I will. And don't talk about being a drug dealer unless it's interesting. Okay. No one gives a shit what you used to do. Okay.

Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thanks, bro. Stretch SHP is on Twitter. Add Stretch SHP. And Stretch, I'll meet you in the parking lot. Maybe we can talk about it. Thanks, guys. Stretch SHP is on Twitter. Add Stretch SHP. And Stretch, I'll meet you in the parking lot. Maybe we can talk about it. Did you ever get into Coke, guys? You guys ever do?

It's illegal, man. It's illegal. It's illegal. Coke's a terrible, terrible drug. I sold it for a good month in college. Wow, you sold it? Yeah. Well, I found out that if you bought a certain amount and you sold it a certain amount,

that you just got free Coke. And so I didn't really sell it to make money. I just got free Coke. Coke is never free. Yeah. Yeah, I pretty much had to quit because of the people that I was selling it to. It was like an all-night thing. People at 5 in the morning, you know, coming to your house.

And it just, it was awful. It was, I don't know how he did it for so long. I gave a tennis lesson to Pablo Escobar in 84. Is that true? Yeah, but I don't think that's really that interesting. How was the tennis? How was that not interesting? No, what I'm saying is it's very interesting.

Yeah, it's fucking interesting. Kirk's also a guru tennis coach. A guru? Yeah, many in the tennis circuit have called you the natural. Hold on. A guru? Yeah. Many in the tennis circuit have called you the natural. Hold on. Wow. Hold on.

You honestly did? You gave tennis lessons to Pablo Escobar? Yeah. Coconut Grove, Miami. Jesus Christ. He's got a lot of great, a lot of big clients.

He was good. He had kids, jet skis. He was a good guy. Just killed a lot of people. Yeah, a lot of people. A lot of people. Weren't you scared? I wasn't. You weren't scared jet skis. He was a good guy. Just killed a lot of people. Yeah, a lot of people. A lot of people. Weren't you scared? I wasn't.

You weren't scared? No, because I was teaching him how to hit a top spin backhand. Because you were high as fuck on coke at the time? No. I was just a good tennis pro. Yeah, obviously. He's not going to kill the guy that's trying to fix his backhand. Wow.

That's amazing. And he threatened me once, and I gave him tennis elbow, and he said, forget it. It's not worth it. Did he just try to take up tennis because somebody told him white lines were involved? No, he just liked to sweat. He was very fat toward the end. Pablo Escobar tennis jokes. He died owing me four grand when they shot him up in Columbia.

Oh, my God. That's crazy. If you notice, he was wearing tennis shorts and a shirt. Tennis shirt when he got shot. Really? Tikini. Size 36. I love it. Did he kill Pablo Escobar?

Listen, I can't answer that, but someone did. Normally there's a part of the show where I ask the comedians that are on the show if they did anything early on in their career doing stand-up that they regret or are embarrassed by. They normally always tell me something like that. Now, Kirk, I've probably asked you this quite a few times. And I'm pretty sure I've gotten some answers out of you. you're a special first-time guest. You haven't done stand-up comedy, but you are the sidekick of Norm MacDonald,

one of my favorite comedic minds. Yeah, he's my favorite comic. And you're his main man. Is there anything you ever did on that show that you sort of found embarrassing or regretful? Yeah, everything. Can you give us some examples fuck man i mean well the latest one the latest episode we just released with todd glass was uh you know i'm the punching bag and i when i signed up for it i knew what my role was going to be

and we have fun writing some bits and coming up with stuff and norm is my favorite comic ever so it's i love that part would he be your favorite comic if you weren't working with him? Absolutely. He was my favorite comic before I even met him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you live in your dream, man. Well, no, because I'll tell you why. It took some coercing to finally take the job. And when I did, I knew what I was getting into, but not to the extent.

So my mom watches these episodes. And the last thing, now he's saying, he's telling the guests that I'm a Holocaust denier. And my mom, you know, I'm Jewish. I had a Holocaust denier and my mom you know I'm Jewish I had a bar mitzvah on both sides of my family so my mom is sending me messages oh come on oh that's

why and I'm like mom it's a joke that's the joke is that you have to be so ridiculous well it's not funny so you do believe in it

the Holocaust no no no I think it's a hoax it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's

it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it, no. I think it's a hoax. It's a fake. Right. It was elaborate. Yeah. Since 1938. Still going. No, no. The joke is still in play.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you look at the photos about the smokestacks or two that cast the shadow, there's no way that they could have burned that many bodies. No, of course the Holocaust happened. You don't have to convince me. No, of course it did. But now every tweet is about, oh, Adam's a fucking Holocaust. But it's fun, whatever.

And that's one of the fun things is that the norm fans tend to go against you. They tend to hate you. And oftentimes you come to me and other comedians, you're like, man, these people are really, they're yelling at me on Twitter. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He gets a lot of hate mail. I think 70% of it is people playing along, and then 30% of it is like

no, these people are... What's the meanest troll? What's the one on the internet that's fucked with you the most? I can't repeat it. I literally can't repeat it. Can you give us the second worst? I can. I wrote it. I said it. Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Can you give us the second worst one then? I'm guessing the first one's either

an N-word or a C-word. Am I close? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The N-word one. Okay. either an N-word or a C-word. Am I close? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The N-word one. Okay, yeah. I suck N-word balls. Which was just, I mean, come on. That's just rude and uncalled for. Do you read all these? I stopped reading.

One was something like, Adam Egan looks like a gay faggot in a Western shirt that works at Whole Foods and you just want to punch him in the fucking face. Oh my God. I don't even know how they fit that 140 characters. Was that the shirt they were referring to? No, I have a lot of these shirts.

I have a lot of these shirts. You do sort of dress like a Western doll of some kind. I get death threats every day on Twitter. Really? Do you? For the test. People don't think I'm a very good host. I get death threats every day on Twitter. Really? Do you? For the test. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's right. People don't think I'm a very good host. They think I'm racist, and I encourage conflict. Really? True. That's interesting. That's very likable. I wonder if those other...

I can't imagine that. I end marriages a lot. I wonder if those... Then they realize that I've never had a relationship, and I'm giving relationship advice. That's probably why this show's canceled. Well, you know.

But it was fun. I loved watching it. I got to catch an episode one time and it was... Anyone out here ever see the test? Good, one.

That's why it's canceled. Yeah. That's right, man. Thank you. We'll talk about it after. Let's talk shop. It's a little pre-Mori, right? Yeah, right between Mori and Jerry.

We'll be right back. No, we won't. I was supposed to be on Dr. Phil once. They wanted me to do Salvia on Dr. Phil. Jesus. And at the last, like the day before I was supposed to do it. Is salvia the girl

that was sleeping with Sterling? No, salvia is that mint. It's kind of like doing, it's like doing mushrooms, like a whippet of mushrooms. Why did you? I thought it would be funny to do because it is a funny drug to do,

but then I got talked out of it. Like so many people told me, like, dude, don't do that. Just do not do it. They were right. Yeah. I just thought it would be funny. So you did it on a podcast and stuff?

No, I did it on YouTube. Oh, nice. Your next comedian. This sounds like a fake name. I'd be surprised if somebody actually walked up here after I say this name. So here we go. Put your hands together for Brian Blank. Is that my feet don't feel now? Tears. You know what that means? You've been hosting comedy shows too long Put your hands together for Brian Blank.

You know what that means? You've been hosting comedy shows too long is when you know the blatant fake names. What was it, Brian what? Brian Blank, who's not even a real person, but we're going to blacklist him anyway. Go ahead. That's what it sounds like when you get blacklisted by the Iranian hatred.

It's also the sound you hear right before a bus blows up. You might be right. Me too, Adam. Can you speak any Farsi, Hormoz? This is the part where somebody comes from behind me and starts slicing my throat. That is as close to a hijacking as I ever want to go. Holy shit, that sounded legit. Even the echo.

What did you say in Farsi just then? I said, which is Farsi for, look at these titties. Why so many titties? Wow. Shit, that's a flight I want to be on. How do you say it again? Ni goko ni mame, chiro in hame.

Your language is filthy. Why does everyone complain about Iran? It sounds fun. No, man, we love titties. It does sound fun. Just titties and bombs. Fuck it, I'm booking a flight. Let's go. Me, you, and Norm. You and titties. It does sound fun. Just titties and bombs. Fuck it. I'm booking a flight. Let's go.

Me, you, and Norm. You and me. Yeah, wait, wait. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe the Comedy Store will cover your vacation. That'll happen. Then we'll swing by Auschwitz, and I'll point it out, and you can still deny it.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Robbie Carlyle. Robbie Carlyle. Who, strangely enough, Robbie Harlisle. Strangely enough, has the exact same handwriting as Brian Blank, by the way. Robbie, you non-existent fuck. You just got blacklisted. Why even take the time? What a silly thing to do.

Yeah, people, you know, maybe if you... Do you think this is how people got blacklisted during the McCarthy era? I know this person. I always say her name wrong, so I'll give it another try. Put your hands together for Cyree. Yeah, here she is. She's here.

Cyree. What's up, guys? How you guys doing? Hi, Siree. Yes, hey, guys. You all good? I just realized why there's no Thanksgiving music, okay? Because Thanksgiving music would be totally depressing.

All right? Like, just imagine next year you get a knock on your door around Thanksgiving time, okay? You open your door, and it's Native American carolers. Okay? And they want to carolers. Okay? And they want to carol for you on the 12 days of Thanksgiving the pilgrims did to me. Like, in case you're wondering how that would go or whatever, you know?

Like, this is my version of a Native American caroler or whatever. It would go off like this. On the 12 days of Thanksgiving the pilgrims did to me. 12 pining pilgrims. Eleven colonies killing. Ten deadly diseases.

Nine smallpox blankets. Eight aiming arrows. Seven flash fires. Six help, help. Five reservations. Four tribal trauma. Three bullets blasting. Two bang, bang.

And a baked ham with a roasted turkey like that's my that's why there's no Thanksgiving music guys all right straight to a strange hello hi yeah now I don't know I don't i'm just gonna roll with what my gut's telling me i love the premise i think uh you can get into it quicker and i wouldn't really do a whole song no song yeah i mean i might be wrong about this but i just feel like singing a song and people know how much longer they have to go. I will say this. You can do a song if it's funny. If each thing you're saying is funny, they'll be looking forward to the next one.

But unfortunately with that song, each tag... Too harsh? They weren't funny. Oh, okay. I think that I would say something very similar. Even just the content.. Even just the content. Sorry, just the content. If the content of the joke is something that's so serious

and it carries a message and it makes people just go, oh, man, it has to be funny. Song, joke, whatever. If it's not funny, it's going to be that much harder to work because you're already like, yeah, people are already thinking. It's exactly what Tony said. We all know this song, so we all just kind of all went together going,

oh, man, I got at least 12 more of these things. Starting at 12. It's going to be 35 seconds from right now. But when you said, I know why there's no Thanksgiving song. Yeah, that's a great idea. I want to know why. Yeah.

Okay. Not necessarily what the song would sound like, but what else would happen? Everyone was too tired to sing. That's why. They just were tripped to fend out. Yeah. After Thanksgiving, no one wants to sing.

They just want to sleep. And also, how many times they would just get shot approaching a house to carol front of it, like Indians. Now there is something adorable about what you said, like five reservations. I'm sure my mom would be howling at this shit. So there is a place for it. I just don't think that the comedy story is going to appreciate that.

The Ohio 60-year-old mom range would love. Because I know my mom would have loved that, too. But you're likable, and you're very confident. You believed in that shit. It actually does really well. That's the crazy part. At Hallmark corporate events?

Hallmark corporate events. Nailed it. Well done. When you say it does really well, what does that mean? I've done, like, the mics here, but I've also done, like, places all over L.A. and over. But I take your advice. But you're aware that it didn't do really well tonight. No, not tonight. No. So that's all we can deal with.

Yeah. We can only deal with what we saw. And how do you say your name again? Sarai. Sarai. your name again? Sarai Sarai I love it you've been on a few times how many spots a week do you do?

right now I'm doing a little bit more Second City but I used to have a show almost every other day oh cool maybe it's just a weird bit to choose what are you doing over there at Second City? improviser and I do a little writing. Cool. But that's cutting into your stand-up time.

Yeah. I have to balance both now. But always be writing. Not a little writing. As much as you can. Because writing is what's going to separate you from everybody else. Just keep writing. Scribbling notes.

It just keeps the brain engaged. So always, everyone, just write. Just keep writing. Scribbling notes. It just keeps the brain engaged. So always, everyone, just write. Pour it out. The Iranian Patriot. Yeah, you can write too in Sanskrit. Instead of doing the song, you could just say because you don't want to have carols

about a genocide. You just mention that that's what... Because I think the premise is great. Yeah, it was a good premise. Yeah, Thanksgiving carolers. Depressing Thanksgiving music. I was hoping it was going to go into a Morrissey route. Not just me, because I have a Smith stat.

He's an Indian? No, just because I have the Smith stats. I mean, it would be a sad song. Yeah, it would be quite a sad song. Yeah, Thanksgiving would be a rough one for carolers. What else? The Holocaust? Yeah.

Didn't happen. No, what's another depressing holiday? Yeah, so if you came up with three of them and just a couple little tags instead of one with ten tags, because that song is a lot of days. I also think you could talk about Christmas caroling in that. I mean, it's sort of a strange start point just going into starting at Thanksgiving,

so maybe you could work more on the actual caroling thing, like how creepy that sort of is, right? Have you ever had that done to you? Have you ever answered your door and had a bunch of freaks outside of it starting a song at the same time? I mean, you could talk about the first Thanksgiving prayer, something like that.

All right. All right. All right, thank you. Thank you so much. What would the first Thanksgiving prayer be? It was probably... Please, Christopher Columbus, please stop raping my wife.

Please. Jesus. Okie dokie. Possibly, that could be an angle in. I think so. It probably was. It was a sad time. There wasn't a lot of comedy clubs back then.

Not a lot. So that joke would have killed it. The campfire. You ever do any caroling of any kind, Adam? No. Look at me. You seem like a young Adam could have been a caroler.

You're in the musical business. You got me my Book of Mormon audition. I did. No, I've never done any caroling. I did karaoke twice. But you say no with such disgust. Do you have a problem with it? A little bit, yeah. I think people that go around caroling are creepy, like Tony said.

I think it's incredibly creepy for some reason. It really is the weirdest thing you can do when somebody answers their door and they don't expect it. I mean, they could have just finished smoking a joint or something, and the next thing you're staring at these people just singing with big smiles on their face. Because that's part of it, that they have to sell that they're having fun yeah that's like they're on they're being held hostage it's always the longest song you know it's like on the 45th day of christmas it's like come on i have a uh anything in the oven right now i got it right i mean is there a rule that

you have to listen? I think so. I think it's an unsaid thing. That's not my rule. I would shut the door. For safety. Purge. You don't know what these people really want.

As they're singing, someone's going around the back, going through the back window. I can't even sing in general. I don't know how they do it i love that that's an interesting carol bandit thank you uh let's shoot approach they're literally cold calling people and just doing and just singing yeah you know what i mean yeah i can't like i've done karaoke twice one was at a white trash bowling alley bar i wasn't welcome back um what'd you sing uh me So Horny. It was a dare. I was 18 and a fake ID and my buddy said

they'd buy drinks for me all night if I did it. And after they were done, okay, there you go. I apologize. I don't know how that song got on the list, but I guarantee you that it will never happen again. Kirk, you ever karaoke? I don't need to. How about you, Iranian patriot? You ever do it?

Love it. What's your favorite go-to song? Tim McGraw, I Don't need to. How about you, Iranian patriot? You ever do it? Love it. Love it. What's your favorite go-to song? Here we go. Tim McGraw, I Don't Know Why Grown Men Don't Cry. Huh. I'll be honest, that's not what I was expecting to hear. I'm an enigma.

Oh, you do enigma as well? Yeah. I thought he was a cap shot. You really fill out that patriot suit, Hormoz. I love it. You look good, man. He looks like the fucking mountain. Oh, yeah.

Looks like it's your own. He does. Which reminds me of a crazy bet that Adam and I may well... Yeah. Not everybody's probably caught up on Game of Thrones. No, probably not. We can't talk about it. We don't want to do that.

We don't want to do that. Your next comedian goes by the name of Austin James. You got to be kidding me. You know what that means. He just got blacklisted. Fuck Austin. Wow. Austin James.

That sounded like a good name. I would have liked to have seen him. It takes a real set of balls to sign up and then leave. Oh, this person's real. I hope he's in the room. Really, really, really fun young rising talent. Put your hands together for Drew Lynch, everybody. One of my

favorite upcoming comics in the world. Hi. My name is Drew. I have a stutter. It's a real stutter. Not the joke. The hardest thing for me is a drive-through

because you've got gotta say the order fast and you're talking through and then it'll come. It's like, I don't know why I work there. I didn't... I didn't... This is my first time doing this, and I heard it was a minute. I was like, what the fuck? Where the fuck did I do this?

I wrote my set list. I just got to one premise. Like, just a premise. It's like a fucked up game show. Like, will he finish? Find out. No, no, no, no. On episode 58 of Kill, Kill, Kill Tony.

True Lynch. God damn. He's an assassin. Wow. It's a cold It's Drew Lynch. God damn. He's an assassin. Wow. It's a cold-blooded assassin. Let me tell you something, Drew. I'm so fucking over comedy sometimes. Like, I see, you know, I've been in this,

I was at the Improv in Tempe for seven years, been here for four. It takes a lot to get me into a room to even watch anyone anymore, except Kirk, obviously, and Tony. No, but seriously, usually when you see someone with an impediment or something, they use it in such a hacky way, and you utilize it in a way that's unique. Great writer.

Yeah, the delivery, everything about you. Yeah, I love you. You're very likable. Yeah, I was blown away. I have a great Drew Lynch story that just happened. Let me say before you get to that. Go ahead. You make me wish I had a speech impediment. That is a true testament to what you just did.

I think I could really, if I had that angle in. The test would still be on the air. Well, a minute of it. Yeah, exactly. It'd still be on the air. Well, a minute of it. Yeah, exactly. It'd still be on the air, but it wouldn't have started yet. Right, yeah. Drew, you know you're funny. Just quit rubbing it in.

Yeah, yeah. And the great thing is, he doesn't even have a speech impediment. He's just a hell of an actor. Yeah, brilliant. So I had an audition for Montreal Comedy Festival New Faces a few weeks ago, and Drew was on it. And I was towards the end of the lineup. Mind you, I've been doing stand-up seven years.

I headline now this and that, babbity-bah, but I'm towards the back end of this lineup for New Faces. This is my fifth time. I'm just too dirty for their thing, and they're not ready to put me in their dirty show yet, and I'm definitely not a new face like the material that i talk about there you go um but so my point is i go up there and i had a great set but drew lynch was on two after me and he fucking destroyed the room just laid it

out like it was basically a standing o at the end of it. And I go, well, looks like I'm not getting my managers next to me. I go, looks like I'm not getting new faces again this year because you blatantly stole it. They invited you, right? Get the fuck out of here. They said they had favors.

Favors? Yeah, that sounds like it. That's typical. That's them. That's typical. Great Montreal really has their finger on the pulse. Stay in America. Montreal might be the most disappointing thing when you hear about the people that don't get on that. Like, that's insanity.

I mean, I don't even know why they have those callbacks. Can I ask you a question? Do you feel better now that you know that he didn't no no it makes me i've never bashed montreal but that just like something like that is what sets me over screw me like i understand me not getting on my i'm talking about cerebral palsy and shit like it's bad like it's not new faces stuff on their cute little show and i'm not saying that you're cute and little but you are in a way very cute and little and uh um you fucking decimated the room like i thought i killed until i saw how great you did and it's amazing as jokes on jokes of great stuff but um

yeah i'll always i mean that's i i thought for sure that uh got it. So that's a doubly sad story. Montreal, you're losing touch. How do you like that? I said it on Kill Tony. Now, are you working on the stutter? Or do you want to fix it somehow? Or is it too good now? Well, I used to take speech therapy,

but it wasn't getting to the progress that I wanted. So I was just like, if it doesn't come back, then there's a surgery they can do and stuff. Do you notice that on certain have you ever tried to do you drink? Does it slow the stutter down? Or is there certain drugs that you've taken that you're like holy shit.

Are there certain drugs you took that caused it? I used to buy cocaine from a guy for 13 years. Yeah, he was here earlier. Fresh. Call back. Yeah, he was here earlier. Stretch, yeah. Call that. No, not really.

It's a thing from trauma, not like a social disorder. My friend growing up had a stutter, but I noticed some days it was like he almost didn't have one at all, and then other days it was just, whoa. So when you say trauma, there was an injury? Recent? Two years ago.

Oh, shit. Wow. The trauma didn't involve a penis or anything like that? No, it was all penises. Only that. That can do it. Just hearing about it fucks me up. Wow.

That's amazing. I didn't know that that could actually be on set like that. You didn't have a stutter a couple years ago? No. He said trauma. An injury, right? Yeah. It's really embarrassing, but fuck, fuck, fuck it.

It was... I played... You've seen the show. If you don't think we're embarrassed... Yeah, yeah. I played softball, and I got hit in the throat, which paralyzed some nerves in my vocal cord. And then I had a concussion, and then I was I was I had a concussion and then and then I went home and went to sleep and I guess you're not supposed to sleep on a concussion you could have died from that and that's it I mean you could die from getting hit in the throat so you at least you're alive

getting hit in the throat, so at least you're alive. But shit. Change that to baseball, though. Say baseball instead of softball. It's true. He has a great point. The story's a lot less embarrassing if you say baseball instead of softball. This girl did this underhand pitch, and I just

And remember, you can die from getting hit in the throat, not deep throat. Let people know. Don't fuck it up for everyone. It was an external injury. Continue to suck as deep as you can. Wow, that's amazing. Man, that's incredible.

Well, you know what? It gave you literally your comic voice. I think that's... How long have you been doing it? Three years. You're great. So you're doing it a year before the injury? I had it up

a few times before, but that was when I was eating the real dicks was then, because I was not good at all. Well, you're good now. Put your hands together for the great Drew Lynch.

You saw him here first, people. The Drew Lynch on Twitter. Whole-blooded killer. He's going to be an assassin. I love seeing that. It's going to be super famous. You're going to follow him on Twitter? Does he get the same amount of characters as I do?

I did give him one minute 20 seconds. That didn't get enough. That's all right. Drew heard it. That's enough. He's going to do a joke about it tomorrow. You can have that joke, Drew. I said it.

We've got to get that guy some development spots, sincerely. Oh, yeah, definitely. I'll talk to Tommy. Well, fun fact, the last five door guys that have been hired here at the Comedy Store have all come from the crop of Kill Tony. Oh, I got you to blame for this? Yeah.

I guarantee there's a few door guys that are going to go out and just punch each other in the throat tonight. Yeah, somebody's trying to... I need this to work for me. I need you to punch me hard. Dude, I need to stutter quick. Dude, just throw up a softball and hit it as hard as you can at me. One more time for Drew Lynch, everybody.

Drew Lynch! To close out every show, we have two awesome regulars come on, and they've been doing a new minute since the show started, and it's always fun for us to watch them grow, and they're the only two people that go on every single week. So let's do it again, shall we? Going up first tonight, University of Florida dropout after she came on Kill Tony one time.

She fell in love with it, stayed out in California, didn't go back to Florida, and has been doing comedy ever since, celebrating just over a year of stand-up. Started on Kill Tony. She's here for you now. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Always funny, always goofy. Thanks, guys.

My grandmother got breast cancer, and it's made me really scared to get breast cancer, but it's made me even more scared that I'll never get breasts in order to get breast cancer. There was a Tupac impersonator at the BET Awards, which I think is so funny, because everyone idolizes him, but as soon as there's a party, someone's like, well, fuck it, this guy will do. You know, like, who let the impersonator in?

This is, you guys, I'm just on the cusp of being, like, a bad bitch. I'm not there yet, you know, which sucks, because I think that I'm the on the cusp of being like a bad bitch. I'm not there yet, you know, which sucks. Because I think that I'm the kind of girl someone will marry, but nobody will leave their wife for. It's like just a bunch of self-deprecation up here. This is my impersonation of somebody bombing. Okay, here we go.

Here we go, thank you. There you go. Yeah, nailed it. I we go. Here we go. Thank you. There you go. Nailed it. That's a great closer. Did your grandma have breast cancer? She did. Oh, boy. Are you saying that you don't have boobs in that joke? A lot of people don't

think I have boobs because they don't show a lot, so it works. Yeah, but it looks like you do, so that's a tricky joke. That joke doesn't really make sense. Usually, you know. That's like me going on stage and talking about how ugly I am. It's like, that would never work.

No, that's true. I really just really didn't have anything. Oh, well, look at Honest Mick Lazybutt. What happened this week that for the first time you couldn't try to put together a new minute?

It seems like you had some ideas. I feel like all my ideas are tying into old jokes now. I've already said them on here and I don't want to say them twice. You need to reset. You need to do mushrooms somewhere. I just did mushrooms. Every piece of advice out of Redman's mouth. No, seriously.

Have you tried drugs? Have you tried Coke for your stutter? Can I say one thing? I wonder what that would be like, huh? You know, I'll tell you one thing that's interesting is I think I probably saw you two months ago, maybe. And I liked you more tonight, even though you weren't getting the laughs, but you had a twinkle that you didn't used to have. Okay.

So you're up here a little more likable to me. Cool. So that to me is you're making the strides. And the fact that you didn't get the laughs, you still got the laughs at the end by saying that you sucked. Thank you, guys. I agree. But that's important.

You know, you got up there and you copped to the fact that you didn't have anything. And that's important because comedy is honesty. I heard Orma's breathe after one of my jokes. It was... Well, that's always dangerous when you hear an Iranian breathe behind you. It's understandable. I'm surprised you didn't finish. He was like a disappointed father.

I was like, no. All right, so we did the breast cancer thing, and then what was the second attempt? Tupac, I think that's so funny. You had nothing to it. What was the idea behind it? I know, it was just like an idea I thought of because I didn't have anything earlier.

I thought it was a funny thing earlier that I heard on the radio that they just replaced him. Who cares about an impersonator? Yeah, I thought it was a funny thing earlier that I heard on the radio that they just replaced him. Who cares about an impersonator? Why did he get to go to the beach? But what was he on? He was just hanging out. He was just hanging out at the BETs. At the BET Awards.

Are you sure it wasn't just a black guy that you thought looked like Tupac? No, people were talking about it on the radio this morning. There's a bunch of Instagram pictures of him because he looks just like him. But it's like you can't just replace someone because they look like them and pretend it's them and just be like, well, he'll be in the pictures, you know? It's just so weird. He has no reason to be there.

See, I think if you had more. Tupac has no reason to be at the BETs? No, Tupac does. Well, he's dead. He's an impersonator. It's just it's not him. Are you sure it was his impersonator? Maybe.

It may have been him. They do say that he might be alive, like Elvis, that whole thing. Elvis is back. Elvis is back. Yeah, from Auschwitz. From Auschwitz. I think it's funny because

you said they act like they respect him so much, and then they have some guy who just looks like him come goof around like he's Tupac. You could compare that to other famous black people, like Malcolm X, if people had Malcolm X lookalikes come to the BET Awards. Well, that's just tasteless. Well, the ironic thing is that he got shot afterwards.

Oh, the impersonator? Yeah, he got killed last night. See, that's comedy. Three people did get shot last night. Really? Yeah, which is hilarious. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, two different parties, three people got shot.

You got to really want that award. You know, I think everybody goes through, like, a weird phase where you just can't think of new stuff, or everything you think of just seems like stuff that you already have. I personally deal with it by just doing something I normally don't do or would never do.

I was going to say mushrooms. That's what I meant with mushrooms. I just did mushrooms. Do something that's different. You've been doing the same minute since I met you. What? When was the last time you doing the same minute since I met you. What? When was the last time you saw me?

I've never seen you, so that can't hurt. You gave me some really good advice once. I remember I had a joke about this. I used to date this girl in high school, and she would always want me to pee inside of her in the shower. In the shower. Was there any porcelain?

The joke was, I was like, why do you want me to pee inside of you? She's like, because it makes it feel like you're cumming to me times a thousand. Ew, Brian, I hate you. And what did I say? I can't remember now. I'm surprised I had that conversation. I'm surprised you forgot this.

But you added a tag to it. I can't remember the joke, but you added this tag that I did. I tried it out the next time, and it worked. And every time I do that joke, I now do it now. But now I can't even remember the tag now. What's the name of the joke? What'd you name the joke? Your names for your jokes?

I don't name my jokes. Do you name your jokes? I don't know. Sometimes. Is this Jeff? No. I'm going to do Jeff tonight. Yeah, sometimes I name them.

Breast cancer grandma. That's a joke you're working on. Absolutely. Tupac impersonator. That's what that one's called in my phone. Oddly enough, that one's just named Bert, which is odd. I don't know why. So you actually had some jokes tonight.

They just hit like you thought they would. Well, yeah, and I haven't really done them at Mike's yet. That was probably an issue. I've been working just on other stuff thought they would. I haven't really done them at Mike's yet. That was probably an issue. I've been working just on other stuff and trying out some roast jokes. I remember the joke. She said it made me feel like it's coming to me times a thousand.

I was like, really, to me it feels like you were molested. That was the joke. You said you should do molested times a thousand. Wait a second. They go molested times a thousand. Like, wait a second. They go molested times a thousand. So that little piece, though, you'd be amazed how just him

helping me with that little piece changed. I realize what I gave you. I would have been amazed if it didn't work. It's really cool that when comics do that, though, because not many people are like, you know, like if they think of something, they usually don't tell you.

I always like tagging friends. I just give them a tag and when they do it, and they get to laugh. I like thinking of the tags. And if I didn't give it to them, it's nice. But Kirk's going to hold on.

He's like, no, I'm going to save this for when I come up with my own joke about peeing inside of a girl. Yeah, you peed inside of her body? Yeah. And then she peed it out a girl. Yeah, you peed inside of her body? Yeah. And then she peed it out? Yes.

No, she kept it. No, she just held it for a bit. Why is it gross that she peed it out? It's gross because it's like double pee. She didn't pee it out, she just dropped it out. I just dropped it. Twice baked urine. I think it's grosser if she holds it inside. Twice baked. Ew. Are you still with this girl? No, this is my girlfriend in high school.

Oh, see, now that's a key No, she died. In high school? Ew, in high school? Imagine the nasty shit she did before that if she was double peeing already. Probably. She's the one that told me to do it so she had done it before. I mean, it was in the shower,

so at least everything. He peed inside of her body. I know, I get it. What's that called? There's not even a name for it yet. It's not like a poop inside of her body. No, I know. I get it. What's that called? It's not like a... It has to be a name. There's not even a name for it yet. It's not like a poop inside of her. That would be completely horrible.

It's a lemon meringue pie. Really? And a pause break on that? Squirt has fucked you up. Kim, thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Follow her on Twitter

at Kimberly Congdon. Our second regular, always goofy style, always has something small and she turns it into something big. Like boners? Small ideas. Oh, like boners.

Look at this. Who would have thought Red Band has the sense of humor of a seven-year-old? He thought of boners on that one. Really? Is that what you guys thought of when I said taking something small and making it bigger? Is that what this world's coming to? That that makes you think of boners now? Who keeps saying yes?

Who is this girl that only thinks of boners, obviously? Please leave your name at the back. You know her from the Kill Tony podcast and always being a fun face around here. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Sarah Weinshank. Hi. Hi. Starbursts. The packaging on that.

Who decided that was a good idea? Who decided that this candy needed to be wrapped in an intense origami fold? The only thing bursting from a starburst is the children's tears working in a Japanese factory as their little hands wrap these fruit chews.

That's what's bursting. In the time that it takes to unwrap a single starburst, I could have finished a full bag of Skittles. Starbursts are someone with Parkinson's nightmare.

Alright. There you go. 47 seconds of starburst thunder and lightning. I like the Parkinson's tag. That was great. Starburst, Thunder, and Lightning. I like the Parkinson's tag. That was great. Starburst. I pictured the kids working on them.

There's a lot going on in that joke. Oh, I tried so hard with the Starburst today. You had Starburst today? No, I Googled Starburst. I went on Wikipedia, looked at them. Oh, you did a lot of research. Did a lot of research. Did a lot of research. They're hard to open.

So hard to open. And I find them unrewarding. Me too. But I didn't want to say that because last time I bagged on meatloaf and then everyone fucking randomly liked meatloaf. A backlash on meatloaf? And then I was like, if people like meatloaf, people really like Starburst. Are you sure they didn't think you meant the artist meatloaf?

Yeah, but even if they really like Starburst, now you're in a debate and you can really stand by what you believe in. I think you should take your stand regardless of what the people say. You can't go pro-meatloaf. I'm working on that still. Just by curiosity, by round of applause, how many people love Starburst in this room? See, I knew it. Pink Starburst. Pink Starburst.

By round of applause, how many of you are huge fans of Meatloaf? Wow, somebody in the back actually stood up and started yelling. He was Frank. Thank God. That guy in the back that put down a plate of meatloaf to stand up for that. See, but Tony, that's something that's, I think, important because now it'll be up to you to sway them. To meatloaf?

To anything that you're talking about. Never let the audience decide what you're going to talk about. When you go up there, talk about what you want and take them on the ride because they'll come to you if you believe in it and convince them. Especially if they all love Starburst. How great would it be if you can get them laughing about Starburst?

I like Starburst. I've never had a problem opening them. They're like pre-chewed. Oh, they're hard to open. They're impossible. I have to open them with my teeth. You guys are a bunch of pussies. Does anyone have Starbursts here? No, it doesn't make you a man if you can open Starbursts.

I can do it with one hand like in a flip. It's too much work, and I fucking hate the way they taste. I like the red stuff. They are hard to open. You can say maybe it's easier to tie a cherry stem into a knot. Oh, that's a good tag. Wow. Thanks, Kim.

Kim wrote more punchlines for Sarah Weinstein tonight than she did for Kim. Didn't she say they're for fat people as a workout? It's like fruit for fat people. Why are they packaged twice? That's what I want to know. It is a tight seal. Just one package would have sufficed.

They can't really compete with now and later anyway, right? That's truly the monster. No, I don't really eat that much candy, so I can tell you're getting really passionate about it. I'm looking for a Starburst. Wow, you actually just keep some on you. I might. Fuck yeah.

I smell a Starburst sponsor for the next show. I smell a diabetic foot. It's funny that you bring that up, Adam, because new Starburst minis are not wrapped, and you just have a bag, like a Doritos bag, full of Starbursts, and it's great. Oh, that sounds convenient. Also, whoever just mentioned diabetes,

it's like they would die before they could open it. And maybe that's the Surgeon General's way of protecting people, is that we could only... All right, we'll let you put this product out there, but only under the condition that it takes them 15 minutes to open up each little square block. Right. And maybe instead of the Skittle, a different

way, I don't know, I could be off, but I think instead of saying I prefer Skittle, say something like, I could taste Oh, you said you eat the whole bag before? I could eat the whole bag of Skittles in the time it takes to unwrap a single Starburst. I could taste a hundred rainbows before I open that pack or something. I'm way off.

By the way, a Starburst is also what it's called after you've peed inside a girl and all the pee comes out at one time. There it is. That was Sarah Weinshank, everybody. She's on Twitter at PrincessShank. Another very fun Kill Tony, everybody. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Kirk, you're on Twitter at Kirk Fox. I don't know. Anything coming up you want to promote? Adam eBay at Adam Eget.

Yeah, at Adam Eget. Adam E-G-E-T. New Norm MacDonald live shirts for sale. Get your own Adam Eget suck shirt at normlivemerch.com. Listen to him on the Norm podcast. J.R. Steiner. Oh, yeah. That shirt looks amazing. I love it. I'm going to get one.

So you got your own shirt? Yeah. Tony, I got to get my shit together. I love how we started this episode by him telling me I got to get my shit together. And now he's saying, I got to get my shit together. I got to get a shirt. I should become a manager. Well, it says Adam Egert sucks.

So don't worry about it. The Iranian patriot is Hormoz Rashidi, everybody. Put your hands together for Hormoz. He's on Twitter at patriot is Hormoz Rashidi, everybody. Put your hands together for Hormoz. He's on Twitter at what? Hormoz Rashidi? Yeah. H-O-R-M-O-Z-R-A-S-H-I-D-I? Perfect.

Boom, there you go. Brian Redband and I are going to be at Comic-Con and so many other fun things, so stay in touch with us. Live audience, thank you so much for coming out. This has been Kill Tony 58. There's a girl that's been on my mind All the time So, so, so deep