KILL TONY - KILL TONY #6

Episode Date: July 26, 2013

Jeff Richards, Benji Aflalo, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/08/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Redman and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of the Kill Tony and all the podcasts we do at Death Squad can always be found at DeathSquad.tv and on iTunes and Stitcher. Just search for Death Squad. Also, don't forget ShopSquad.tv has the pre-order for the new Death Squad t-shirt. Just go to ShopSquad.tv. Also, if you want to come see us live, this episode of Kill Tony and all the Kill Tonys that we do are always 100% free to go to. So just go to thecomedystore.com and get your free tickets or just go to deathsquad.tv for all the links to all the shows, including the Ding Dong Show, which follows Kill Tony at 10 o'clock. So Monday nights, every Monday, Comedy Store, Death Squad, go there.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray McBain coming to you live from the Comedy Store. How are you guys doing today? This is a new episode of Kill Tony. Let's give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah. What's up, boo-boo baby? Another beautiful day.

We have a new set, everybody. Give it up for that, right? Yeah. Somebody went to Chinatown over the weekend and donated a bunch of cool things to the set. Wow. It was me. I went to Chinatown and bought some things,

including this fake sword for a few bucks. And all these things were a dollar each. Really? Yeah, except for this one. I asked, I thought it was really cool and it was hanging from the ceiling. So it was the one thing that I went up to the Chinese cashier and I'm like, hey, what's that one mean?

And she goes, roast, a barbecue roast. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm like, I gotta have that. That one was ten bucks. Thank you. Worth it. Spare no expense here at Death Squad's Kill Tony. I'm mad that you didn't invite me

to Chinatown. That's kind of fucked up. And I also look at these things right now as big punching bags because I'm having a horrible day today. It's by mail day. I check my mail every two months and today was that day and it's just an awful day. It's one of the worst days, but it's better to do it

all at once than have it spread out for two months. What would you say was your bill to paycheck ratio? It was more like court. You're supposed to be there. Oops, you didn't get there. Shit like that. Oh yeah, license plates. Oh yeah, driver's license

and stuff. It was all the worst shit ever Yeah, I check my mail every day You shouldn't do that, you should just do it like me It seems like it would be really stressful if I did that Yeah I want to punch all these things so much

Well, no punching because you know who's here to make sure nobody gets out of control Tiffany Hatt is here Whoa, look at that Queef Latifah Is that pajamas? here to make sure nobody gets out of control. Tiffany Hatt is here. Look at that. What the hell? Queef Latifah. Is that pajamas? No, it's pajamas.

Hell yeah. Thank goodness our head of security is here. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the one and only The Iron Patriot. As always, in the house. I will lead these new events against anyone who would threaten our way of life.

I am The Iron Patriot. Yeah. That's one of his many awkward catchphrases. Can you give us another one? For every life you save, there's a million new ways to die. That's enough. You only get one day. Tomorrow belongs to me.

You really have no idea where that microphone is, huh? I think you need to take just a half a step backwards. I speak out of my banana. I think it's pretty funny. That the mic stand is just going to get knocked over at any point.

Oh, wow, look. This is what I imagine like a blind boy's locker room. Is that broken already? It doesn't feel like it's very stable. Just let go of it for a second. There you go. It's completely stable. Stop touching it.

Stop touching it and don't take any steps forward. I noticed now, because I've been watching, I have a good angle on it. Stop touching it and don't take any steps forward. I noticed now, because I've been watching, I have a good angle on it. I've noticed the last week that we've had your own mic stand that every time you say something, you get excited and you start walking forward with your palm out in front of you with that light.

I need to be careful. Hell yeah. I heard he had a song that he wanted to... Oh yeah, you sent in some type of track. He wanted to do a song that he wanted to Oh yeah you sent in Some type of track He wanted to do a song To get things started Put your hands together for the Iron Patriot Do we have that loaded up

Here we go I can't pay my rent, cause all my money's spent But that's okay, cause I'm alright Got a quarter ton of gas, in my O.P. class But that's alright, cause I'm alright Got everything In my mama's name But I'm a little rich La la la

Get your car, car, car For each of your girl and child Instead mama got blue Baby girl, that's right You a number one stunner And we all glide From street to the mall And tear down the inside

Do that Prada Gucci full length leather Barber's cool or Gucci sweater 20 inches, pop my feather The Birdman, daddy, I fly in any weather Alligator seat with a head in the inside Fly on the deck, G-Wag, it's so fly Number one, don't prangle and twist me When the company calls, I am that nigga F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F- Jack G-Wag is so fly. Number one, don't tangle and twist. You better come to these cars.

I am that nigga. Look at the picture with the mention of two. Three wheel ride with guitar in the middle. It's lit. It's up. And we like that. We shine like pink. That is awesome.

Gator Boots. We got Gucci suits. They got no job. But I still shine. Oh my God. Get it up for the Iron Patriot. Wow. Heck yeah. I wanted to show that I could hop, I could get down with the brothers. Because I did stop in the name of love by Supremes, but that was kind of white bush.

I want to show I can get down with some soul, too. I could tell you're really out of breath in that thing. Either that or you're choking up after saying the n-word with tiffany haddish in the room you're gonna you're gonna wake up the little temptress back there um first of all all right that was really amazing that was awesome thank you i appreciate it i was expecting there to be uh you know i was expecting when i heard that hit song from the late 90s that it would be like an Iron Patriot version of the rap. What I love about you, Patriot, is you didn't even do that.

You just said the actual lyrics to the actual song, but only the first two verses. He cuts it out before the third verse because you don't have that memorized, right? Yeah, yeah. I should have done a Bones, Thugs, and Harmony. I saw you like a song like that. I saw one of your routines. Yeah, yeah. I should have done a Bones, Thugs, and Harmony. I saw you like a song like that. I saw one of your routines.

Yeah, thank you. One of my routines. Okay. But one of the things that I love the most, though, is before this, he goes, hey, I sent a track in. I emailed the track to the show. I'm going to do a rap. And I asked him out at the top of the stairway, not even ten minutes ago, when he brought it up. And I go, I just had a curiosity.

How long is that? He goes, 90 seconds. I got to tell you, Patriot, I don't know if that body armor suit has a watch on it, but that was not 90 seconds. I didn't want you to cut me off, Tony. I was scared you were going to think it's too long and cut me off. Do you ever say the N-word when you're not in the suit?

No. I'm around a lot of black people on Hollywood Boulevard. It'd be very dangerous. I love it. But, you know, they don't know what color I am, so I guess it doesn't matter.

Because you can say it if you're black, so they might think I'm black. There is no way they're going to think you're black, Patriot. You are the whitest sounding guy ever. I love it. You might even be Asian, actually, I think. You know, I first came here four years ago because people always told me I look like Pauly Shore. And I went and talked to Dean, and he said I did look like Pauly Shore,

but Pauly Shore doesn't do any movies, so he doesn't need a stand-in. Good idea on the costume. Yeah, exactly. Now we see why you cover yourself from head to toe. But he said I look better looking than Pauly. I'm not that bad. Oh, yeah, the Iron weasel, everybody.

The munchies, yeah. All right, I'm all ready. He has me pumped up to get this thing started. You guys ready to bring up our two awesome guests tonight, huh? I'm so excited about this. I guess first I'll bring up a writer from Comedy Central's The Burn and The Howard Stern Show and many other great things. One of my funniest friends.

Regular, paid regular comedian. Put your hands together for the very funny Benji Aflalo is here. Hell yeah. He ignores the Patriots. High five. Comes right in for the shakes. There you go. Benji Aflalo.

And why don't we, with no hesitation, bring up the second guest as well. You know this guy from both hit television shows like Saturday Night Live and Mad TV. Another extremely, extremely funny friend of mine. I'm so happy to have him here. Bringing us together for one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. The one and only Jeff Richards, everybody. Live in the flesh. He's here. Fuck yes. Fuck yes. He's a master impressionist.

I'm number one. That's his impression of me, though. Don't judge him by that one. Yes. Fuck yeah. I'm excited to have you guys here. What do you think so far? What do you think of the Patriots' routine tonight?

It's great. Yeah, I liked it. Did you make that suit? I commissioned a sculptor to make it a year and a half ago in Norway. Have you thought about doing some touch-up to it? Because it's sort of... Well, he sent it dirty. He wanted to look battle-worn.

Oh, that's one way to sell a shit suit. I didn't touch up the suit. Hey, you want a brand new suit, or you want a suit that looks like you've already been in battle, baby? That'll be $6,000, dumbass. He was not too lazy yet. Your next battle is in your stomach or something? What? Why is the is in your stomach or something? What?

Why is the microphone on your stomach? Well, I have a speaker in my chest, and I can't mic my mouth because it's underneath. I got a speaker in my chest. It needs to be down low because the sound's coming out here. We're going to find out that he's actually a little person this whole time. Yeah. Two of them are on each other's shoulders. This is what Brad Williams, Nick Navicki, and...

All right. Anyway. It's a midget joke. You get it. Fuck yeah. The Patriot is in the house. It's all happening. So you guys know what we're doing on this, right?

We're talking to people. Comics do a minute, and we're supposed to give them advice on it? Well, you can give them advice. You can give them feedback. You can do anything. You can talk about who they are, we can talk to them for a couple minutes. It's very unorthodox.

Alright, I'm down. Sure. What have you been up to lately, Jeff? Anything crazy? Just finished my album. Jeff Richards' Greatest Hips. That's right. And at the end of this evening's show, he's going to be closing it out with an exclusive Jeff Richards greatest hips that's right and at the end of at the end of this evening show he's going to

be closing it out with an exclusive first time release here on death squads kill Tony him and his band are going to one man band John so that's exciting well we haven't done it yet guys

what's that I said we haven't done it yet, guys. What's that? I said we haven't done it yet. Well, there you go. I don't want to get too excited. Save your applause. Well, awesome. Fuck yeah. Very excited about that and that. What do you guys say we get it started, get some comedians up here, huh?

All right. Well, I pull out of the magical bucket. Many, many people signed up. And let's do it. Your first comedian tonight. Dean Parash. Talking about gateway drugs. Fuck yeah. Welcome, Dean. So they say that marijuana is a gateway drug. But it's kind of really just the first drug. It's sort of like saying breast milk is a gateway drug, but it's kind of really just the first drug.

It's sort of like saying breast milk is a gateway beverage. I was eating some garlic the other day. I'm kind of freaking out. I was eating garlic yesterday, fresh garlic, and it burned. Pretty sure I know what that means. Might be a vampire. Any Game of Thrones fans out there? Ever watch that show?

That show should probably be called Dudes Get Their Dicks Chopped Off. There's a lot of castration in that show. It's a bit much sometimes, right? I think that encyclopedias should have little samples of Snapple under the cover. that encyclopedias should have little samples of Snapple under the cover. I joined Instagram like a month ago, and I'm still waiting for my weed in the mail.

People are afraid they don't want to die alone, think dying alone is bad. Well, that's probably better than a lot of people dying in big groups all the time. That's all I got. There you go. Dean Parooch. What do you think about that, Tony? Well, you weren't really talking into the microphone, Dean. That thing there is

a sound amplification system, and it really helps. I wanted to interrupt through your whole thing but I didn't want to, you know. Is there a smaller person inside of you? I don't think so.

Somehow the Iron Patriots mic is louder than yours. I mean, we can hear him clear. Well, it's because you weren't talking into it. You had it down

below your chest. Talking to the mic. Got it. There you go. Yeah, it's sort of a big deal. Some funny things in there, man. I like the Instagram joke.

That's fun. It's interesting. Most comedians like to start with a laugh. You're very patient. The last few were the best ones. I felt like you opened... I don't know. Jeff Richards. Hi, everybody. I felt like you opened... I don't know. I don't know. Jeff Richards.

Hi, everybody. I'm Jeff Richards. Yeah, you got to keep the mic up a little bit. But I missed most of it because of that. You got a Brent Morin thing going, which is exciting. It's very hip right now. I don't know who that is. Conan O'Brien.

Yeah, I missed most of the set. I couldn't hear it. It's just one of those situations where your microphone was so far away from your mouth that it was just hard to pay attention to it. I guess we all learned something here tonight. Maybe because as you were doing,

when you would get to the punchline, you would start to already look down to the next joke. You maybe sell it more, look out more. How many times have you done stand-up? This is, like, my fourth time. Yeah, he's only done it four times. Yeah, there you go. Four times. The trance, I got it for him.

I think... You learned a big one tonight with the mic. The mic's important, and I don't... Do you consider yourself, like, a one-liner comic? Is that the kind of... Not really, but a lot of my other shit wasn't... I didn't think it was that funny. Yeah, I'd say you might also benefit from just winging it.

You know? Because you seem like you could be really funny, but your jokes are very vulnerable, and some of them are kind of okay. But I would go on stage and just try to talk about what you really want to... what might just come out naturally. Okay.

And see where that takes you. You have an everyman kind of thing, you know? Like, your voice is sort of like you could be a plumber if you wanted to. Yeah, you're not an awkward... What are you talking about, Josh? You don't seem like an awkward one-liner type of person.

I feel like you would beat me up. You kind of talk like this. Normally they're softer. But yeah, there you go. There he goes. Dean Peruch, everybody. At DPACGGG, or is that 999? Oh my God.

What, did you think that you had to have Twitter to do the show? Hey, how do you guys feel about castration jokes? It's kind of painful to hear. Do you think it's funny? Do you like them? You know, the Game of Thrones thing you did? You know, I've watched a few episodes of Game of Thrones. I really haven't seen any penises come off yet.

What, is that something that happens later? Oh, wow. God, that sort of ruins it for me. That's why... All right. Well, that's it. comedian down everybody hey at vinny fastline vinny fastline talking about creepy just as creepy sup yes i am creepy very creepy i don't get much. I didn't get laid much back in college either, actually. I was so used to all my roommates fucking chicks all the time,

listening to them, fall asleep to that, that now I need to put porn on to fall asleep. You know what I mean? And I don't have any roommates, so I got to knock on my neighbor's door like, Hey, can you guys fuck a little bit louder? I'm trying to get some sleep around here. Weird dude.

I don't know. When I do get laid, when I get laid once, they don't want to sleep with me again. I can't figure out why. I don't know why, but maybe it's probably because, I don't know,

I go cross-eyed when I fuck. Just me? All right. Crushing one minute of jokes. I want to have kids, though, one day. I want to have kids. I want to have children. Talk about my experiences growing up as a child. You know what I mean? I want to have kids though one day I want to have kids I want to have children Talk about my experiences growing up as a child

You know what I mean I want to talk about that I realize I can't talk about music generation You can't do that My dad used to listen to classics Like The Temptations My grandpa Frank Sinatra What am I supposed to tell my kids

This right here is a classic By Lil Wayne. There you go. He's hit his minute by that meowing. The meowing cat means 60 seconds. Well, you definitely talked into the mic. Yeah, that's a huge improvement.

Fuck yeah. Why is Pete Corchione doing this? You know Pete? At PDC. How real are we supposed to be? Do open micers ever freak out on you? No, that's what the Iron Patriot's for. He's the head of security.

We can say whatever we want. And in two and a half minutes after that, he's going to be right on top of the guy. Probably on his back. By the way, for those of you that don't know, the Iron Patriot can't see where he's going. He can only walk in 90 degree angles.

He takes the bus here because he can't sit down. In his suit, he can't sit down. He can't take off his suit, and it's extremely hot in this suit. It's 40 pounds worth of, what's it made out of? Fiberglass.

There you go. 40 pounds of fiberglass, which is... All right. Is that like the pink stuff that you put in your attic? No, but I look good in pink. Insulation. Is that made of cotton candy? Maybe.

How dirty is it? You sweat in there. You can't it? Like, you sweat in there. You can't dry clean that, so you're disgusting. I have a moisture management undersuit. A moisture management undersuit. Is it women's clothing? Yes. A moisture management undersuit?

Yes. What are those ever used for other than people? Triathlon people. Athletes like me. So you pee and poop in that thing? No, I make sure to go before I leave so I don't have any problems when I get here. Do you poop Lego pieces?

Uh, I don't know. What we did learn last week about him, by the way, is that he also has a little bit of a foot fetish for the ladies. Oh, that's right. He likes ladies' feet. Do you like that porn star Brandi Bell? I don't think we all know who porn stars are by name like you do, Iron Patriot.

Or Jenna Hayes. I love Jenna Hayes. Yeah, she's adorable. She's got nice feet. Oh, wow. Nice feet? Never looked at her feet before. Yes, you did.

You're lying. No. No, I'm more of a vagina, boobs, and face kind of guy. You think people will call you a pervert. You're scared to say it. You like lying. No. No, I'm more of a vagina, boobs, and face kind of guy. You think people will call you a pervert. You're scared to say it. You like feet. No, feet are gross, man. No, yeah.

People call people like that a pervert for a reason. It's because feet are creepy. It's the dirtiest, weirdest part of somebody's body. I should have never admitted it. Now people think I'm a pervert. No, it's great. People think you're the Iron Patriot, a ruler of American defenses. For someone who's so into moisture management,

I wouldn't think feet would be your thing. Well, I like all parts of the woman's body. That's not the only thing I like. It's just a beautiful thing when you see the beautiful arch on a woman's foot and the toes all nice and straight. If a girl's flat-footed, is that a turn-off? No, I don't like it. I don't like that.

You'll send her home? If the face is real cute, maybe. But no, I don't know. That's a hard thing to get by, because the arch is so pretty. Don't you like the arch? Yeah. Do you like the smell of a dirty foot on a woman? No, I like it to be clean.

I don't like it to be dirty. So it's not like dirty panties, when you smell dirty panties, where it kind of turns you on. Uh, no. Only dirty if it's mud wrestling. You're into mud wrestling? Yeah. Mud and feet. I'm jealous of you, Red Band, because you got to go to the Playboy Mansion this week.

I always dreamed of skinny dipping in the grotto with the bunnies. Do you take good care of your feet? With the bunnies. You take good care of your feet, too? Yeah, I try to clip them and buff them up and everything. Do you involve feet when you're having sex? Like, do girls put feet in your butt or something? No, I will.

I'll massage them during a good movie. Have you ever had a girl put her foot in your butt? No, I don't do the kinky stuff like that. You know, if you're doing a girl doggy style, she can sort of reach her heel around and put it in your ass. Oh, really? That's what I've heard. What are you like? I don't know.

I'm pretty formal. I'm a Republican Jew, so nothing too crazy. Missionary. Lots of missionary. Yes. We should probably get back to it I love it I don't remember

your jokes now yeah me neither I kind of remember okay you did the one I wouldn't do the one about your parents and that little Wayne thing that's the most tired

premise ever that we have this and my parents had that it's like so tired especially using the music analogy I'd just throw that away Karen's had that. It's like so tired, especially using the music analogy.

I'd just throw that away. He has a nice personality. He seems like a get over on the audience. It also seems like you're pushing the weird thing too hard. At first glance, I don't think you're weird. You're like a smiley guy. So all of a sudden when you're going into how weird you are, it's like you're forcing it on us because at first everyone's like, well, you don't seem weird.

Yeah, you started off with, yeah, I'm creepy, but it seems like you're... You want to be creepy for the joke. Yeah, you seem very clean cut. Right. I'm pretty creepy. Well, then you've got to really dig a little deeper. What's the punchline again? What does it end up getting to? Now I've got to knock on the neighbor's door and be like, can you guys fuck a little

bit louder? I'm trying to sleep around here. A lot of math to that. Yeah, I don't really know if that's creepy. Like, I mean, that's like... This guy fucks feet, like, you know what I mean? Like that. And you're like, you had nothing even close to feet fucking. Right.

That's creepy. Otherwise, you might not actually be creepy. You might be saying you're creepy for a laugh. Unless that's where he wants to get eventually in that whole creep thing. If that's creepy. Otherwise, you might not actually be creepy. You might be saying you're creepy for a laugh. Unless that's where he wants to get eventually in that whole creep thing. If that's you. Yeah, do you want to be a creep? I don't want to be. I just naturally am sometimes.

Do you think it's something you can't suppress? Maybe it's not necessarily creepy. Maybe it's just like, I don't get laid. I have dried cum on me. That's L.A. You don't. There you go. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Fuck hookers. I'm in between dry cum and iron chic, like in feet right now. This is kind of weird. That's not the iron chic. The iron chic's a different person. That guy next to you is both chic and he's iron. However, he's not the iron chic. That's the iron patriot.

However, he's not the Iron Sheik. That's the Iron Patriot. World of difference between a guy from Iran and a guy who has an American star in the middle of his chest. Right? And I don't wrestle. That's true.

That's true. This is an awkward... I think we're really stoned today. Something's up. Something's definitely wrong. I felt like I was going to pass out twice when listening to the Patriot talk about his feet obsession. Vinny, I love your style. You got a lot of confidence, man.

At Vinny Fastline on Twitter. Take care, buddy. That's Vinny F-A-S L-I-N-E. If anybody was listening, you have a tag for Vinny. There is something weird going on on today's episode. I feel kind of weird. Did you spike us with something?

I have no idea what's going on. I love it, though. You guys feel it, too? Is there weird energy in the room? It's the Twilight Zone. There you go, baby. All right, moving it along. Your next comedian is Justin Blake.

At I'm is Justin Blake. Topic, myself. What's going on, guys? I got some issues going on. First one is I live in L.A. without a car. It's a major issue. And because of that, I've gotten too skinny from all the walking I've had to do. I didn't realize how bad it got

until I was talking to my friend about it and he was like, yeah, you have gotten skinny. You like gay skinny. I said, gay skinny? And he had like a real explanation. He's like, yeah, like you're just so frail. Like you couldn't possibly be trying to attract a woman built like that.

Like you're actually the opposite of what's attractive to women. Like women see you and they get jealous. You're built, you're kind of built like that. You're actually the opposite of what's attractive to women. Women see you and they get jealous. You're kind of built like a model. You're what, like 5'11", 120? There are women in the gym right now trying to look like you. That's my joke.

There you go. That's great. That was excellent. Hell yeah. Drop knowledge. I like that. great. That was excellent. Hell yeah. Drop knowledge. I like that. Yeah. I thought it was good.

Yeah. It seems like there's definitely something in that part where at the end, I mean, there's definitely a tag there. And, you know, that means that if there's women that are working out that hard to look like you, then... Obity, obity, obity. Right, I see what you're saying. I thought you were going to go to the point where

your friend wanted to fuck you. I thought of, but that wasn't true. I try to keep it 100. 100. I think you could also just defend your stance as a skinny person and put down fat people. Like, why am I gay? I'm not fat. There's a lot to go with that.

I thought it was great. I even liked your information about not having a car in Los Angeles. There's a lot there, too. You just had a lot of really great, interesting information. You could expand on almost everything you said. Awesome. Yeah. Boom.

Boom. All right. Thanks, guys. That's a funny joke. You. Yeah. Boom. Boom. All right, thanks, guys. It's a funny joke. You could even get to that quicker. It's a way to just get to it. Fuck yeah. Jeff Richards is in the house. So many comics without cars.

It really is true. And then the ones that do have cars all live in them. That part's true as well. I remember when Gerard didn't have a car, and now he takes an Uber everywhere. So, you know. Well, yeah, that's how it works. Uber's really, I mean, Uber is unbelievable. Yeah.

I mean, I know they're getting it in most cities now, but if you don't know, it's cheaper than a taxi, literally, to take an Uber, especially an UberX, which is like a Prius. Should we explain what an Uber is? I think we've talked about this before. You hit a button, and a car knows exactly where you are

because of your map, and then they pull up to you, and they take you where you want to go. But don't use the other thing where the people have the mustache on the front of their cars. Because that's just fucking embarrassing. You know, you're right. I actually take Lyft, which is the pink mustache one, and they make it all hippy-dippy. They make it so you have to fist bump the driver and, like, your friends.

Why do you take that one when you have Uber on your phone? Because whenever, like, if it's closer, I'll just take that. You have to sit in the front seat. You can't sit in the back. Because you save like a couple bucks? I save a couple bucks and if it's closer. If it's between UberX and Lyft, I'll do the UberX. But if I just feel like moving

and the Lyft is significantly closer I'll do Lyft. Wow. Look at you. I never would have guessed you as that guy. I would have totally assumed you would wait the extra time and wait and spend the extra couple bucks and be Uber all the way. Hey, when I'm going to go, I'm going to go. Benji comes from vast sums of money, by the way.

I'm just like a Jew from Beverly Hills. It's not like I'm special. Yeah. Yeah. Anybody that's not from Beverly Hills and not Jewish, you can't imagine how nice it is. I'm not, but I know what's going on over there. You see, you hear that a lot, and I think it's just that there's a lot of poor people. So if you're not poor, poor people think you're rich.

But I'm not rich, I'm just not poor. See what I'm saying? It feels like I'm rich to you guys because you're poor. I said, first of all, I said you come from money. I didn't say you're rich. I said, first of all, I said you come from money. I didn't say you're rich. I said you come from money. You go, no, no, I'm a Beverly Hills Jew. But, I mean, you know, you had a different upcoming.

You were raised by a maid. Yeah. That's the sign. Okay, there you go. That's the number one sign. And by round of applause, how many of you were raised by a maid? Because your parents were so rich they could actually afford one?

I was, but my mom was a maid. Really? You have rich parents? Yeah. Holy shit. Thank you. I love people with rich parents. It's just always a fun conversation

to know what that shit's like. Make it uncomfortable if you want to. It's not my fault your parents are losers. That's what I fucking love about Benji. It's the best. Do you buy your own toilet paper, Benji? I'll actually put it in order with my mom and my mom will buy it for me.

But technically my mom's assistant. Laugh, there you go. Helene buys my toilet paper. It's smart and final. And then I pick it up from Aflalo Equities guess who's talking about Hollywood everybody it's Jake Maron at JakeMaron1 on Twitter there he is

thank you Tony hey everybody so I love Hollywood because it seems like every race out here acts like another race. You got a lot of black guys who dress like white nerds. A whole lot of white nerds who wear gold chains and snapback hats. And Italian food is only cooked by Mexicans. It's diversity, right?

I hate those rappers, though, on Hollywood Boulevard. They come up to you and they give you a free CD and then they ask for $20. It's pretty scandalous. But sometimes karma comes back on these guys. The other day, two of these rappers got in a fight. Their names were Purple Reggae and Swag Nation. Yeah, got in a brutal fist fight, and the cops were called. They were both arrested.

But I know what you guys are wondering. You're wondering, Jake, who won this fight? And I think it's pretty obvious. Society. That's it. Even the microphone gave you a thumbs down after that. I'll start off by saying this. You can't do a Mexican cooking joke.

Sorry to break the news to you, man. That is just one that can't be what you get at. Right, Jeff? Yeah. What? Wait a second. Is your real name Jeff, you son of a bitch? Yes.

He caught me off guard because my real name is Jeff. Boo! Epic moment. That is. Oh, my God. That's great. That was awesome. You've You gotta be fucking kidding me The Iron Jeff

Boy you really blew it on that one man I did Can we call him the Iron Jeff now? The Iron Jeff Well I know I was playing along with it there buddy Anyway thank you What was the Mexican joke? What, are you going to blow the whole show?

Come on, man. He said you go to an Italian restaurant and everyone's cooking. It's Mexican. Yeah, you can't do that. Yeah, they'll get down on you. So stupid. It's just true also. Well, it's like that's what 80-year-old guys have been saying for the last 30 years.

Right. It's like there's no reason to say it. And you're doing like the nice guy thing. If I tell tons of racist jokes you're like a nice white guy just do the nice white guy thing there's no point in making fun of Mexicans it's all I got but you don't need it

and then the second premise where you're talking about the two rappers coming up to you or whatever about being annoyed at rappers like 20 bucks a CD or whatever you know what I mean? But definitely, I mean, you say the names

of the two rappers, like it's going to come back to mean something in the end. But it doesn't yet. At least. And I thought you were totally going to take that somewhere else. I thought you were going to be like, because they're giving away their CDs, there was some reason, like when they got in a fight,

there was some other kind of outcome because of that you know because they're not real rappers yet or whatever that there was some kind of like yeah reason that you and when you go to a misdirect in the end of all that build up and when we're waiting that there's a chance we could hear swag nation or purple reggae again all of a sudden it goes to society. It just seems like something funnier is coming. It feels like you're trying to be smart. You're like, I'm going to blame society, and that's the big joke, everybody, and it wasn't that funny.

There wasn't a good payoff. The joke before, the guy before, he had a good payoff. Thank you. Thank you, Iron Man. Thanks, Jeff. Iron Man, Jeff. I like Jeff. Jeffrey, a guy in a banged-up plastic suit doesn't make our critique sound any better. You just repeat what we're saying.

Yeah, I know. It's easy to criticize. It's easy for me to sit back. I mean, you guys have a lot of guts to get up here. Fucking love this guy, man. Jeff Richards? Yeah, I mean mean I think you like engage the audience you're a nice guy

and you know they want to like you it's just like you know keep working on the material you'll get there sounds good thanks Jeff stole my coffee this Jeff stole my coffee before the show I gave it yeah I noticed that. You wouldn't think so.

It seems like, what, did you have Ambien in your coffee, Benji? I'm an adult, and he stole my coffee, like a bully. For real? I think it's a dominance thing, because he's like, I'm a big star. I look at it like a joke. It's kind of a joke. Yeah, it's kind of a joke, but you can't pull that shit off without like amazing tv credits it's a dominant there's nobody that grabs somebody else is like hey i

just got this uh i mean i remember you said what a skinny vanilla latte yeah right and that sounds like the type of drink that if you're like hey you want a sip of this like it seems like somebody with power only somebody with power it can't be be a fucking – I mean either it's somebody with power or it's like a homeless guy that needs it for nourishment. I also offered to share it with him and then he just took it. And I did share it. You did share it with me. I gave you part of it back at the end. You gave me the latte backwash.

See, you can't do that. I gave you some foam. It's a dominance thing. I'll get you back though, but it will do a power meeting. And it makes sense. That's what you work hard to get on SNL for. Once you get on SNL, you can fucking take somebody's... Coffee.

Yeah, man. Absolutely. Guess what? Hey. What? You get to say a guy on SNL took your coffee. Fuck that. When I first started, I would itch my butthole, make it really smelly, and then put it on Jeff's face.

Well, there you go. Yeah, but you're part of the Rogan camp. You can do whatever you want. I would have done that. You're untouchable. Oh, whatever, dude. Rogan versus SNL, live comedy battle. You touched my coffee.

I don't care who you are. I'd probably do something about it. It's true. I'm going to try it next time, though. But he probably did know that he could do it to you, Benji. I used to bark for this guy when he shows me, you know, now this is the paint,

this is what I get. Benji, you got to do something. You got to stick up for yourself. What am I supposed to do? He's bigger than me, he's stronger than me, he has better credits. If he would have resisted

a little bit more, I would have probably given it back, but he didn't resist at all. I did. I fought, you ran away, and I chased you. Yeah, but you didn't chase me that well.

I mean, I went into the back. I was in the back the whole time. You can box me out. I really tried to get it back. I don't know if I'm going to box you out. He was turning his back and he turned his back. Your back's like a wall to me.

That's why wiping butthole on back is still horrible. He'd hit me if I did that. If so, what? He'd probably give you your coffee, but he's not going to hit you if you have a fucking stinky asshole hand. I've never been hit. I don't want to get hit. All right.

Never been hit. Lots of threats. Nobody ever hits me. Fucking love Benji. I mean, he is the ultimate, ultimate great bad guy. He's like the Christoph Waltz. And you know what that partly is, why you took your coffee?

Because I'm a bad guy? Because you come from such a rich family. That's probably the essence of it. If you had less money, I wouldn't have taken your coffee. Because since you didn't know what it was like have taken your coffee. Because since you didn't know what it was like to have no coffee then, now you get to know what it's like to have

no coffee just after you bought a coffee. It was so painful because you know you're like three sips into your latte and you're like, yeah, just getting going, vibing, vibing, bam, he steals it. If I had just a few more sips, I would have gotten a little more out of what I knew. You had a little, he had a latte. Your next comedian.

You like that segue there? How I grabbed the paper, did it, and then, all right. Patreons together for Ari Maness, everybody. At Ari Maness on Twitter. Just talking about hanging out. I like it. He just got like a warm woo from the crowd. A favorite amongst the comedians, it seems like.

Thank you, guys. I don't know about that. You're very handsome, sir. You must get a lot of ladies in your life. I live alone. I am lonely. A girl called me last night, though. Real female. Called me last night, 11 o'clock.

She said, hey, I'm kind of tired, but if you want to come over and hang out for a little bit, that'd be cool. And I was like, okay, I know what that means. I'll come over and hang out for a little bit, right? Turns out she just wanted to hang out for a little bit that'd be cool and i was like okay i know what that means i'll come over and hang out for a little bit right turns out she just wanted to hang out for a little bit doesn't she realize i have a penis what a dumb bitch asking me to hang out for a little bit fuck her dude i just got a girl's number from doing stand-up comedy for the first time moving on got a girl's number yeah Yeah, pretty cool. Added her on Facebook. Turns out she's in high school. Yeah. She sent

me a message. She's like, hey, you're really funny. I said, I went back. I'm like, yeah, you're really young. Turns out she's 18, though, so I'm going to bang her out. Yeah. Alright, that's it. Thank you. Well, you got your biggest laugh on... Alright, that's it.

Your second biggest laugh was a fist bump to the Patriot. All right. Okay. What did you guys... Did the girl actually hang out with you? Did that actually happen? That happened. I met a girl.

What did you guys actually do? She called me over 11 o'clock at night, on Valentine's Day, actually. That would have been a day of reference. We hung out and that was all we did. She's single too? She was single. Wait a second. Did you try anything?

Was she supposed to just put her hand right on your dick? I wasn't getting good signals. Let's talk about what really happened and let's find out where the punchline is. Because it can't end on you just calling her a dumb bitch, by the way. That's not exactly what we would call in the Writer's Guild, well-written.

Blankety-blank, bad person, dumb bitch. It could be your fault. It probably was my fault in the end. Let's talk about what happened. Take us through the magical Valentine's Day night It should be your fault. It probably was my fault in the end. Let's talk about what happened. What happened? Take us through the magical Valentine's Day night in which a single chick hits you up and wants to hang out and nothing ends up happening. I meet this girl at a show, actually. What, do you just have corn dogs in your freezer or something?

I stalk her online. Turns out she's in Playboy. Super hot. Found naked pictures of her. So I hit her up. Say, hey, you want to hang out? Wait, how did you hit her up? Yeah, I got her number. How?

I just asked for it. On Facebook? No, no, in real life. After the show. And so then you were already stalking or you started stalking her after you got her number? After I got her number, I stalked her. Where was the show at? Hooters. Get the fuck out of here.

Was she working there? No, she was drunk. No shit. Yeah. The fact that you were even close enough to her to ask for her number. I know she was wasted. She was wasted, not going to lie.

There's no doubt that this is the actual premise of the joke. Yeah. I mean, a chick that you did a show at Hooters. Or else because it seems, yeah, now the stakes are raised before she even gets there. Not to mention it's Valentine's Day. You're both single. I mean, now there's shit to it.

Did you bring any alcohol? Yeah, did you get her drunk? She's an alcoholic slut. You gotta bring alcohol. We smoked weed. We smoked weed. shit to it. Yeah, did you get her drunk? She's an alcoholic slut. We smoked weed. You fucking idiot. You met her drunk and you got her number. Why bring weed into the situation?

You can't get her drunk and mount her. I'm not good with women. Well, one thing is don't smoke weed with them. Drink with them. I think we found the dumb bitch, everybody. Fair enough. Benji Aflalo.

Wow. No, I mean, but what's great is that, okay, so. Isn't it funny how a nerdy guy's frustrations, he tries to blame the woman, and she couldn't be any easier to fuck. A drunk over- I already know. Invites you over and you bring weed.

That wasn't Playboy. And then you don't get fucked and you call her the dumb bitch. I love what's going on here. And you're about to get your punchline right now. I just know it. Okay. Because after,

so she comes over because I know what it's like to be a, you know, a struggling comedian. Well, actually you came from money is what we just found out. Do you still have money? No, no.

Very poor. Right. Okay. So that's why you didn't have. My parents don't give me money. That's probably why you didn't have alcohol, though, right? I could say, yeah, but no, it's just because I didn't bring alcohol. I'm an idiot.

Okay. You always bring alcohol and a tequila. Okay. So that's my. So here's my question. I don't know about tequila. Okay. So here's my question. I don't know about tequila. That's kind of dangerous. It worked for you at Jessica's Shores. That was tequila on that night.

That was fucking... Is that why he said that? But I guess you learned a lesson. And I guess you could make the whole joke about how you thought she was a dumb bitch and then you walk yourself backwards through it and you discover that you're the dumb bitch. Maybe that could work. I like that. I like that.

Now I can rework it. Good feedback. Definitely. And get laid next time, man. Just one more question. One more question. Because I know how this normally goes. She was hanging out for a couple hours, right?

Yeah, a couple hours. At your place. Her place. Your place. Her place. Oh, it was her place. And this was at night. What was the time frame?

Valentine's Day, 11 p.m. 11 p.mpm to 1pm was your shift why do you get her number oh my god oh no should I broadcast it on the podcast

you are broadcasting no her number can we get her number after the podcast I'll give you guys her number no you gotta try again man I did I took her rock climbing

and nothing happened rock climbing you fucker. I took a rock climbing and nothing happened again. What? Rock climbing? A fucker on top of a rock? You wanna go hot air ballooning? Take this fake sword and go kill yourself, alright? You know how hard it is to get a girl's pants off when you have all that fucking rock climbing gear on? And by the way... Might as well just chop your own dick off.

I should've. And by the way, that's well just chop your own dick off. I should have. And by the way, that's another part of the joke. This shit is unbelievable. The real shit is crazy. Yeah, you gotta do the real shit. You're watching too much stand-up comedy, man, because you're turning this amazing stuff that is your life into this stuff that everybody's...

You know what I mean? You gotta get real, dude, because rock climbing climbing after we find out all that other shit that's the worst possible fucking date ever that's craziness i can't think of anything worse because it's the least fun like at least like whitewater rafting or skydiving like it's like hey we had an adrenaline rush for a bit that's just fucking like painfully dangerous you have a better chance of getting laid bringing a better looking richer guy's cock. I mean, what are you going to do?

Get all sweaty and then she's going to be horny because she knows she smells like shit. I was belaying her on the rope. It's like I had her life in my hands. I thought, nope, didn't work. It will probably work now though if you invite her to go to a bar or your house or something like that.

Just stock up with a bunch of liquor. Maybe have dinner before and get a bottle of wine. And then have a shot. Like, hey, it's good seeing you. Mix it in early. Then have alcohol waiting at home and have a reason why you're going back to your house. It's all about alcohol and house. And leave the carabiners at home.

Unless you're going to rape and kill her, you don't go rock climbing. That's where you do it. You chop her head off. Make tacos at your house. Turkey tacos if she's on a diet. Make margaritas. Make the margaritas strong as fuck.

Start off with a margarita before you even start. Wine and cheese. You go to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, get some good wine and cheese. Wine's too slow. Yeah, or shots and cheese. This podcast turned into love advice.

I love it. I'm going to use it all, too. Yeah, get laid, bro. Is it done? Is this thing dead? Can you call her? No. Yeah, I'm going to call her again. Is she hot or is she one of the butter? Oh, dude. She it done? Is this thing dead? Can you call her? No. Yeah, I'm going to call her again.

Is she hot or is she one of the butterfish? Oh, dude. She's hot. Show your pictures later. This is painful for you. It's very painful. Ari, do not give out her number or her name to anybody. You have one more chance to try this.

All right. Then I'll do it after. And then you need to come back here and let us know what happened. Will do. And get on top. Just try to get on top of her. No. Just take her. Get drunk and then do it. She wants to dress in. We'll do. And get on top. Just try to get on top of her. No.

Just take her. She wants to dress in there. Get drunk and just jump on her. That's hilarious. Man up. Man up. In the end, I have to man up. Yeah. There he is.

Ari Manis. That's at Ari Manis on Twitter, right, Ari? Jewish. Yeah, he's definitely Jewish. Manis, M-A-N-I-S, if you want to tweet at him at some point about his new material. And I don't know how Jew you are, but maybe don't eat because I know after I eat I can't fuck, really. Make it turkey tacos. Make it small tacos.

Yeah, you don't want to overeat and then be like, I got lactose intolerance. I got to go. Right. Yeah. Just booze. Instead of sour cream, use like yogurt. A non-fat yogurt. Was rock climbing your idea? Of course.

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? She likes fucking, bro. Yeah, she likes getting liquored up and having sex. Not rock climbing. She totally thought you were going to get her liquored up after that, by the way. She's a dirty girl that wants to be fucked, man.

You just fucked up. Yeah, I mean, 11 o'clock. I love that we can't let it go. 11 o'clock to 1 a.m. is, I mean, on Valentine's Day. He doesn't just want to talk. And Playboy's the big thing, man. Heck, yeah, and she gets drunk at Hooters and watches comedy shows there. What an idiot.

Are you really good at rock climbing and you wanted to impress her? Great fucking question, man. Million dollar question from the Iron Patriot. 20 minutes later, he asked that. He's waiting. So on the head. I can't believe none of us asked that. Great one. Ari, is that the case?

Wow. Holy shit. You're like that guy that takes a girl to the skating rink and starts skating backwards in front of her and shit. And she's like totally struggling and like, I can't do this at all. Help me. I think I'm gonna die. Yeah, but don't do this at all. Help me. I think I'm going to die.

Yeah, but don't I look cool, baby? Yeah. Hey, I'm shooting the duck. Alright. It's an old roller skating move for those of you that don't know. At Father Flanagan on Twitter, his name is Ricardo Flanagan, everybody. Oh,

snap. Talking about racism. I've been searching everywhere and i can't how you doing what's up uh man i'm getting tired of like all the fake outrage about paula dean like saying the n-word like really doesn't matter i mean like paula dean like fries chicken has thick thighs and diabetes she pretty much is a black woman at this point. You sit up and say, I would never say the N-word. That doesn't mean you're not racist. How many black people have you had over your house within this year? Probably none.

It's like some people would kiss a stray dog, like tongue kiss a stray dog in the mouth. Oh, yeah. Good boy. Go kiss that stray negro in the mouth. Come on now. I got standards. I can boy. Go kiss that straight Negro in the mouth. Come on now. I got standards. I can't. He probably got herpes on his lips or something. I don't know. It's just like racism is, I don't know. You got the right to be whatever you want

to be. You know what I'm saying? Like, it really doesn't matter because at the end of the day, it's not like you do anything significant. Like, if you want your opinion on race to count, like, you got to do something significant like save a baby or something like that. You got to be, it has to be a job. You should be like a person who saves people. If I asked you what your day consisted of, you'd say, oh well,

I woke up, took a shower, I walked outside and there was a baby on the ground. There's the kitty cat meow, which means you've hit 60 seconds. Fuck yeah. Jeff Richards, which means you've hit 60 seconds. Fuck yeah. Jeff Richards, what do you think about what Ricardo just had to say? And how long have you been black? I'm trying to make a joke.

How long have you been doing it? About four years. Okay. No, I mean, you got good pace. I think the first joke was good. I like the first joke a lot. Thank you. I think you're...

I'd like to see you get more animated, maybe, just to kind of bring it up. Do you smoke pot? No. Okay. You might want to do that. Have you ever smoked pot? Yeah. Oh, yeah. How come you don't anymore? Yeah, oh yeah

How come you don't anymore? I mean, it's not like something I do regularly If it's around, I do it, you know You can't afford pot I can afford it, I just don't What do you do as your job, as a regular job? Do you have a regular job? Yeah, I work at a call center, a notary call center

What's that? It's like people call in that want to be notaries So they call in to try to get instructions on what, like, to buy bond insurance or, like, get instructions on what they should do in their state, what the rules are, all that bullshit. You help people notarize.

Yeah, well, I help them get, like, insurance and stuff. They have to take the test and get the training on their own. Do you ever encounter any funny characters in that? Well, I just started, so I haven't really got a chance to see what it's really about. I mean, I could imagine anybody who wants to be a notary being a normal person. Probably a pretty boring person.

Yeah, I think that's full of characters, pretty much. Yeah, maybe you can explore that a little bit. I mean, get the real stuff, I think, like what you're really going through and what your life's really like. Yeah. I mean, get the real stuff, I think, you know, like what you're really going through and what your life's really like. Yeah. Tap into that more.

Definitely the fact that people, like, are still becoming notaries. I mean, there's something very bizarre in that. Yeah. Because it seems like that's got to be,

like being a milkman or something, like that's got to be on its way out. No, it's pretty important to notary. Really? Yeah, actually,

you can become, like, a signing agent where you oversee loans. But it's pretty much a scam, right? I mean, pretty much. No. You go somewhere and you look at the guy and then he signs his name and you take it away. Yeah, a retard could be a notary. It can be a scam.

A retard could be a notary. It could be an app. Yeah, pretty much. It's not a scam. It's like an app. Sometimes contracts and stuff need to be notarized. No, but I mean, as far as a job. Am I being too Jewy here?

It's important. Well, I mean, you would be the one that would say that notaries are important because you are so Jew-y. For like half my comedy career, my mom was telling me to become a notary. Why? Because they're Jew-y. Like, well, you know, you could get your notary, blah, blah. What does it even do? Is it like a good paying job or something?

No, you can just charge people a fee per contract that you oversee. How much is a fee? Seems like it wouldn't be worth it you're not a notary you do what in that he notaries i basically just filled the call like i let them know what the rules and regulations are the procedure to become a notary and like can you give us like a couple lines of something that you say on a daily basis into the phone uh well i see you don't have bond insurance. You might want to get that before it expires.

You got, like, until October the 14th of 2014 to get that shit done. Get that shit done. I love that. Wow. People must laugh pretty hard in the phone when you get to October 14th, 2014 to get that shit done.

Yeah. I wish my people that I had to get that shit done. Yeah. I wish my people that I had to call talk like that. They're always so boring. You're looking at me like you're just like. I'm trying to think. I'm trying to imagine you there and what that's like. Jeff, what would you do if all of a sudden you had like the body and the look of Ricardo Flanagan? What's something you would talk about physically?

I just tell people to get the fuck out of my way. Low energy black guy is huge in comedy right now. Totally. Do you like doing characters? I can. I can do impressions and all that shit. Let's see one of your impressions. I don't know if that's his thing.

Is that your style? Hey, one of the best impressionists in the world, Jeff Richards, wants to see him do an impression. What impression are you going to do for him? Well, I guess a cliche one would be Obama, I guess. Don't do a cliche one. Do like the most inventive one you got. Inventive? Do like a Forrest Whitaker or something?

No. I have no idea how to do that. I guess it'd just be the standard people like him or Cosby or people I watch and see on a regular basis. What about if you can get a white guy down? Yeah, what's your white guy? Let's hear your white guy. A white guy voice. That's pretty much standard.

That's just if you... I don't know. You ask him how he's doing. Oh, I'm fine. How are you today? That's great. Why don't you do the whole... I'm fine, how are you today? That's great Why don't you do the whole You can do your whole act like that

Oh my god, yeah Talk about being a notary like a white guy Why don't you start You're trying to fit into the notary more your job You're a guy explaining why he's going into notary And you're white Well, of course I want to be a notary I mean, who doesn't want to

officialize a document? I mean, I could possibly make money as a signing agent. I can oversee a loan or maybe the closing of a mortgage. Do the thing you did before you said you got to get

your bond by the 15th. White it up to a 10. I really want to see you White it up to a 10. White it the fuck up. Well, sir, you're going to have to

get your bond insurance renewed by the 14th of October. That shit're going to have to get your bond insurance renewed by the 14th of October. That shit's going to expire. He's making a white face for the audio. He's making duck face. I guess that's how black people think white people are. That's like,

I don't know. That's how white people are. Some of them. Some of them just standard people. Some of them are just standard people. Some of them are nice. Some of them are okay. Some of them are cool. I know plenty of cool white people. You seem like pretty decent white people.

That is your new opening line. One of my favorite questions that I sort of like to keep a part of each episode in a tradition is I always ask a black comic each episode. And I'll ask you this time. Why is it, if you had to speak on behalf of all black people, why they call people who are light-skinded,

light-skinded with two Ds like that. Light-skinded? Light-skinded, yeah. If you had to actually be the ambassador of all black people and answer the question why do they say that like that, what would your response be? Because they have poor grammar.

That's pretty much the reason. It's not a black thing at all. It's just a person who doesn't know how to speak. I fucking love you, man. That's at Father Flanagan on Twitter. At Father Flanagan. Ricardo Flanagan.

Funny dude. Nice to meet you, man. Whoa. This guy's actually a producer on this show. He always helps out, sets things up, and helps us throughout the show. And he's actually going to go up. He's

at JoshMartinComic. His name's Josh Martin. He's talking about dick pills. Redman knows about dick pills. Yeah. Yeah. I have a friend of mine. He takes a crazy amount of dick pills. Crazy amount.

And I went to him. I'm like, why do you take so many dick pills? He's like, it gives me confidence in the bedroom. Which tells me I will never need dick pills. Because I don't need confidence in the bedroom if all I'm doing is eating a sandwich. There's no

need. Let me eat a sandwich like a man and cry. I'm watching this porno. I don't need dick pills. That's all. That's all I want to do. That's funny. I like that. It's better to do shorter than longer.

There was nowhere else for the joke to go. I thought it was good. I feel like it's missing something. Why don't you say, I don't need confidence in the bedroom because they live in my car. I don't live in my car anymore, though. I moved out of the car.

I upgrade. You still don't have a bedroom, though. I have an air mattress in the living room. Well, yeah. That's better, yeah. I don't need confidence in the bedroom because all I have is an air mattress in the living room. What do I need confidence in the bedroom for

if all that I have is an air mattress? I don't need confidence in the bedroom. That's why I fuck children, something like that. Keeps your confidence up. They don't know what they're doing. Take them rock climbing. What a fucking rookie What are you seven years old?

Yes I am I feel great right now You'll never get home That makes sense Yeah I just I felt like there was something missing In that joke I mean here's what it is

Yeah you already said that And then we said a bunch of stuff That was funnier than the joke That you really should have been Paying attention to I was. I heard one band reference dick kills. Is that Viagra?

Is that what you're talking about? No, the over-the-counter kind. Can we bring something up? From the Earl Skakel section. It's a common thing with new comedians, the I don't get laid or I suck at sex. I still do that and I've been doing comedy a while, but

is there the right way to do it and the wrong way to do it? What do you guys think? You just look like this and then you get no sex. Yeah, but you see how that doesn't go anywhere, I feel sometimes. It's like, and then what?

I don't know. It's not always about the look. I mean, Ari Maness takes girls rock climbing. Hey, let's be honest. Josh, can we be honest right now? Because you make yourself look like this. You put the hair like this and you put the glasses on like

white. You don't wear contact lenses. You wear really short, tight shirts with cupcakes on it. You can look like a normal person if you wanted to. Yeah. It takes you longer to get ready than it takes the Iron Patriot for Christ's sakes. And neither one of you can sit down. It's because skinny jeans, everybody.

And I know you rock it, man. I know you go home and you just fucking have tons of bitches. Right. I know that's your whole thing. That air mattress is just like one of those children's fun houses. Bouncy house. Bouncy house. What if we found out, because he's been living in his car for a long time

and he just got a place but what if we found out he just rented out a garage and he pulls his car into the garage and the door shuts and he sleeps in his car another thing I was thinking is if they didn't buy a couch already that he would have no choice but to take the back seat out of his car

and then have to put that in the middle of the living room and then he's still sleeping on the back seat out of his car and then have to put that in the middle of the living room and then he's still sleeping on the back seat. Which, by the way, funny story, one night it's me, him, and Brian Moses going to do a gig in Pasadena with Brian Redband and Josh is driving us and our friend is sitting in the back seat of the car

right where Josh kept his head at night to sleep. And we're getting off the freeway and all of a sudden he goes, we're all laughing. And he goes, my God, man, I got to pee. We're like, all right, man. And then we start to pull over. The first, I mean, first thing he's like, oh, man, big trouble, big trouble, big trouble. And we're like, well, he's like, I'm peeing and I can't stop and I am just filling your back seat right now.

So that's the kind of stuff Josh was dealing with just a month ago. Now he has a new place and new tags to that dick pills joke. It's at Josh Martin comic everybody on Twitter. Employee here at the comedy store. Good guy. Good new joke. It's all happening.

Oh, finally some estrogen in this party. Put your hands together for this funny young rising talent. It's at Kelly Landry talking about anxiety. Kelly Landry. Thank you, guys. All right, there's a lot of athletes coming out of the closet these days ever since Jason Collins came out last month.

But since Jason Collins was first, everyone's calling him a hero. You know, Jason Collins is a hero. Jason Collins is 7 feet tall 280 pounds I think the real hero is whoever's taking that big black cock speaking of I was hooking up with this guy the other night

not Jason Collins obviously but you know just hooking up with this guy really give him the good sex really trying to wear him out so he would fall asleep and I could take a shit. I'm serious. I have bathroom anxiety. But I know that I'm not alone.

Does anybody else go to the bathroom and turn on the water so your date doesn't hear you pee? Yes. Yes, I know. You do that. Because why do we do that? Because now instead of sounding like you're peeing, it just sounds like you're peeing really hard. Right? I don't know why we do it.

Do I think rationally in my head that guys in their locker room being like, I got the best girlfriend. She never pees. She just goes in the bathroom, shuts the door, and obsessively washes her hands five times a night. Thank you very much, guys. Fuck yeah. I think there's something in pooping, too. I think you can

follow that up, and you don't want to hear them poop. What else would you do? Blow dry your hair after eating Mexican food or something like that? Like something louder than a sink? Like why is she always vacuuming the bathroom after we eat a lot of – Right, right. Where are you guys at? Making a smoothie, blending juices.

Yeah. You just happen to have your juicer in your bathroom. Juicer in the bathroom. I want to hear a woman's shit. It means she's comfortable with me. I'm never, never though. That's intimacy. Oh, I heard her shit.

That means she's cool. She likes me. Benji, you're so weirdly neurotic sometimes and then other times you're like, I don't give a fuck. I never hear girl shit. You'll listen to a girl's shit, but she would have to have her own bathroom. You won't use the same

toilet as her afterwards. No, I will. I will. I've never heard a girl shit and every girl dumps me. So I want to hear a girl shit because maybe you can dump her. No, so that means we're going somewhere. You want to hear her dump before she dumps you. That's how that goes. Dump fest, everybody.

Jeff, have you ever heard a girl take a poopy before? I haven't heard it. Have you smelled it? Smelled it. That's worse. You've got to keep the matches in the bathroom. Yeah, you need to do something, because I have this problem where my bathroom is like right,

I only have one bathroom, and it's just, the fans barely make some noise, my water pressure sucks, and so you just hear every little fart and everything, little echoes and stuff so I do try to turn the water off but I also have to accidentally knock stuff off

like the bathtub like shampoo bottles when I know something big is going to come I'll be like clink clink clink clink noises I do things like that sometimes and it always ends up going off beat you know what I mean you'll hear the shampoo bottle drop and then it's just like like that sometimes and it always ends up going off beat. You know what I mean?

You'll hear the shampoo bottle drop and then it's just like you know what I mean? Uncontrollable, blatant, splashing diarrhea. And then I ran out of the fragrance lately so I've been trying to use soap. Wait, what do you mean by the fragrance? What's that thing? A little Lysol thing. I tried to put soap on a towel and then

spin it like a wet towel and try to make like a fan and that didn't work and so now I just take no way that didn't work soap in a towel just swinging oh my god he comes out of shitting

he's all sweaty and shit things smell like duty right I think you go the opposite way. He opens the door after swinging the sofa. Smells like shitty sweaty. He's swinging the sofa, opens the door, and Chick's just like, oh my god, did you take a shit? Just immediately.

Oh, uh... Why is there soap in the towel? I think it's better if you go the opposite way and just submerge the whole effect and maybe put a microphone in there. Do like an impression of me. No, just put a microphone near the toilet and just go for it. And then see if he sticks around.

You 100 percent you coming out of. Right. I would appreciate that. I'm a perfect little lady. Eat the shit off my ass. That would be. Oh, I would appreciate that. I'm a perfect little lady. Eat the shit off my asshole. That would be funny if you had a mic, like you said. But there's like speakers in the other room. And the other person doesn't know.

Well, not just a mic. You know what else there should be? There should be one of those. It's a concert. A shit concert. What else you could have if you're going to have the speaker system hooked up to the bathroom is you could also have one of those 3D molding machine things that are coming out. And whatever you dump into the toilet, that comes out of the other side.

So he has like souvenir turds. Leave it as a souvenir instead of undies. Like leave the people. I have a friend who was dating this girl and somehow her underwear ended up in his laundry and he saw skid marks in her underwear. That's not, have you seen the blood skid marks? Like the period underwear? Shit looks like fucking somebody died.

Period panties, that's what they call them. Pyramid. Period, not pyramid panties. You know what the best way to get the stains out of the underwear is like that? You just take a bar of soap and you put it in them and you sweat. Your next comedian, everybody. Oh, thanks, Kelly Landry. That's at Kelly Landry on Twitter.

Thank you. Hey, it's a women's world. Put your hands together for Dana Moon talking about Ghost Hunter. It's eight at Dana Moon, man, on Twitter. I want to listen to her shit. Jesus. Fine-a-holic here. Hell yeah.

Were you shitting? Where were you? I was right up there. Okay. Does. Fineaholic here. Hell yeah. Were you shitting? Where were you? I was right up there. Okay. Does this count as my minute? Start it now. Wait, start it now. Okay.

I kind of have a weird dating history. I once dated a ghost hunter. And I feel like most girls are concerned that a guy is going to use them for sex. Pretty sure this guy was just using me for my house. Because I live in an old house. Like, there were signs, you know, he never wanted to take me out. He would just come over with all of his equipment

and go straight into my bedroom and shut the door. And I heard from outside, he's like, if you're in here, give me a sign. I'm like, I'm right out here. No, not you. Alright, I'll just be hanging out here. No, not you. Alright, I'll just be hanging out here. I think he liked me though, you know, because he would ask about my family.

He would ask about my relatives, my dead relatives he wanted to know about. And I opened up to him and I let him know that my dad passed away. And he was really sweet. He was like, were you guys close? And I was like, yeah I was like yeah we were he's like no did it happen close by can we go there I have my I need I need more footage I got that's it still needs an ending there you go um working it out you know what on this one first I want to check in with the Iron Patriot.

What did you think about that, Iron Patriot? She's a very beautiful girl. What is that? There you go. Is that a wedding ring on your finger or some other kind of ring? Well, since it's not on her wedding ring finger, Patriot, that's the way to know that it's not a wedding ring. You know, it's always on the same finger or else it's just a ring.

Iron Patriot really likes oh I forgot he can't see out of his mask can I take you to Olive Garden take a rock oh yeah that's a never ending possible disappointment if I've ever heard it are you gonna wear the suit yes

okay I hope the Iron Patriot has moisture protection for all the pre-cum he has in his pants right now. Well, that's a funny bit, the ghost hunter. I don't know, man. I think you've got to dig harder on it. I think it's a funny premise, but the second joke didn't hit hard at all

because we already kind of saw the game of it all. Yeah. I don't know. What do you mean? Like, we get it. You're dating a ghost hunter. Okay. So, I don't know. Maybe build it? I don't know. But it's funny.

It's not funny enough. What you need to do is you need to date a comedian. That's very funny. And you need to latch on and get jokes out of them. Right. Like a headliner?

Like someone who's like... That's right. Guy's been on TV? Is that what you mean? Yeah. Maybe somebody who's... You may already be Facebook friends with him. And why will this help my career?

Jokes. You get some jokes out of it. Insights. Just think about it. Put it in there. Seed. Plant it. What's another dating a ghost hunter joke?

Well, I love the part where you say, you know, oh, I'm out here. After he goes, are you in here? You know what I mean? And he's looking for a ghost. And I don't really think you can top that with anything afterwards. I think that would be closer to the end. And then to bring, are you still dating this guy? Is it a real story?

It's real. Really? I dated him for like a month. So that's over? Yeah. And he like did not like me at all. So that's where this all came from. So he really rejected you.

Is that what we're getting at here? Or did you get rid of him? We both didn't like each other. It was weird. Was the sex good? No, but we were both just like, all right. How'd you meet?

We worked together. I think it's funny that he didn't believe in you, but he believes in ghosts. That's good. That's really good. Alright, I can go in a different route. Add Dana Moon me, everybody.

Dana Moon. We're going to keep it flying. We're trying to get through as many as we can. It feels weird being so critical. It feels like, I don't know. That was funny. I didn't mean to be critical. Put your hands together for At Matty Chimebor talking about Jamba Juice. At Matty Chimebor.

Thanks, guys. Thank you. When I moved out to California, I wanted to do some California things, so I went to Jamba Juice. Had a weird time. I was standing in line. I had these two young girls in front of me, and they're talking. Next thing I know, they're talking about me, and one of the girls, she leans to her friend, she goes,

he kind of looks like Justin Bieber. And I didn't really care until her friend was like, yeah, he's retarded. What the fuck? I was shocked because people usually tell me I look like Ellen. So I'm going to take it. Got that whole dyke going on. So whatever, I got to the counter, ordered my Jamba Juice, got a Razzmatazz.

Pretty good. I was all excited. Drank it too fast. And I got brain freeze. And I fucking killed it. It's debilitating. I asked my friend, I go, dude, what do I do? He's like, put your tongue on the roof of your mouth, lean your head back, and count down from 10.

So I'm sitting there in Jamba Juice like, Ken, nine, eight, seven. And I hear the little girls from earlier say, Clarissa, you're a bitch. She is retarded. All right, guys. That's my time. Thank you. Both of your jokes ended retarded.

Was that a callback? And then I missed it? Yeah, because they called me retarded. Shit. Where are you from? I daydreamed in the middle of that. Connecticut? Yeah, because they called me retarded. Where are you from? I daydreamed in the middle of that. Connecticut? Yeah.

All right. People really think you look like Ellen? I've gotten Ellen. I either get boy band or lesbians. It was a lot of references to people you look like off the top. Yeah, it seems a little heavy. Yeah. I think I do that too. I'll reference someone like

I'm an ugly version of this person you know. But only do it like once. Okay. Otherwise it's just like... Jeff, what do you think he looks like? You look like a nice guy. Thanks, Jeff. He said she looks like you're retarded Justin Bieber.

Yeah. You could say you're offended by that because you are retarded. Yeah, I was thinking, like, I've never wished more... No, no, no. I was thinking, like, one of my tags I was working on was, like, I've never wished

more in my life to actually be retarded just so I can defend myself. Like, fuck you, I am retarded. Like, you know, I don't know. But I don't want to, like, and then I actually be retarded just so I can defend myself. I'm like, fuck you, I am retarded. I don't know. And then I do the retarded punch again at the end, so I didn't want to be too redundant with that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the middle kind of...

The middle is still a little wishy-washy. How long have you been doing this? It'll be three years in November. Patriot, what's the Iron Patriot report on Maddie? I've seen this guy before, and I'm proud of him for coming back because I think he's going to keep improving. Thanks, bud. You've seen him before here while working.

Yeah, I think he's going to keep improving if he keeps doing it every week. And that gets you guys criticism. He's going to get back. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to keep it moving here as we get closer and closer to the end. I'm making our sweet descent, trying to get up as many people as possible. That's Maddie Chimebor,

C-H-Y-M-B-O-R. Put your hands together for Nicole Amy. At Nicole Amy, spelled A-I-M-E-E. Nicole Amy. No gag reflux. Really? No gag reflux. Really? No gag reflux? But Benji's not here. He's listening.

He's right there. He's at the top of the room going pee. I just broke it. The door's open. You're here. Sorry. Josh. Hold on one second. What?

Josh? Okay, forget it. Sorry, go on. So I just got done going black. And it's true what they say. Once you go black, you realize everyone you know is racist. Including your mother.

My mom would call me crying and tell me that I was breaking her heart and she was going to die an early death. That this isn't what our family values. And I'm like, we value racism? I didn't get that in Hebrew school. But she was like, yeah, you're putting me into an early grave. I'm like, mom, if your racism is slowly killing you, maybe you should be dead. Maybe you're an awful person. She'd also tell me, did I have any idea what it was like to raise an interracial child and how difficult it was?

And I was like, no, Mom, do you? What black guys have you been fucking? And where is my biracial prettier sister who I hate? That fucking bitch. So I told my mom, I'm like, first of all, I'm not even close to having a baby right now, but I will tell you guys,

we had the cutest miscarriage. There you go. I think that was a live kitty meow for the first time ever. I think we had an audio issue. Fuck yeah. Very funny.

You killed. Yeah, very funny. I love your shoes. Please make sure to hit on me. Tell me I'm attractive. Because as a female comedian, I want you guys to only see me like that. So proceed. Go.

I'd totally fuck you. Benji's already tried hooking up with me. Didn't work. He put his shoulder into it to roll me over. I was like, there's nothing more attractive than a man trying to... We kissed for a second though, right? No, we didn't. I think we did.

I think I kissed her. You seem very aggressively like, tell me how bad you want to fuck me. Did we do that with the other girls or something? No, no, no. You did it with Dana. Yeah, but we also gave her great feedback. And, I mean, I don't think... Dana, did you feel like you were taken advantage of up here?

That's his shtick, though. That's his shtick. Yeah, he asked you to go on a date. I was speaking in generalization. He didn't say get raped I didn't say anything about myself I'm actually not interested So there's that And I'll say this

Maybe that's just how some guys are And maybe female comedians have to accept that That men are animals Oh I'm accepting it, I just need it Cum is good for you. It's true. Seriously. All the vitamins and nutrients necessary. It's really good for you.

How much would the Iron Patriot have to pay you for you to stick your foot up underneath his ribcage? His ribcage armor padding. For me to stick my foot under his ribcage padding? I don't even need money to do that. Oh, wow.

Patriot? What do you think about that? I'm not a black guy, but I think we can get along. Hey, so... Wait, hold on. Wait, wait a second. I thought I... He's not a black guy.

However, as we found out earlier, he can rap, so... I got some soul, sister. Is the new guy your fucking black? Not fucking black. Jesus, Benji. Well, you're really racist. Is it a fucking black guy? I mean, are you fucking a black guy?

No, the new guy I'm fucking is not black. Boo. Oh, so what is he? Did you just say the N-word? I said boo. I was going to boo. No, did she say the N-word? No.

Oh. Do you get to say the N-word in bed when you sleep with black guys? If they ask, you know. So you've done that? Yes, I've done that. Give us an example. How does that make you feel? I'll be the black guy.

I'll be the black guy. He usually is like, you fucking Jew. No. And then what would you say? He's like, kike. And I'm like, black people don't say kike.

Yeah, they do. They do? No, they don't. No, they don't. Kite. They love kites. Blacks don't even really know what Jewish people are. It's like Audis. They're confused by them. That's at Nicole Amy on Twitter.

Good job. I'm sorry. We're at the rushing through. I'm glad that we were able to get you on. Very, very, very funny material, by the way. One of the best sets of the night. It seems like she hated us afterwards for some reason. She like killed for 60 seconds straight and then she just attacked us. I think we all

probably tried to fuck her at one point and she just realized it. I don't think so. But why wouldn't you? She's pretty and she's friendly. What do you think I'm going to do? You're pretty and it. I don't think so. But why wouldn't you? She's pretty and she's friendly. What do you think I'm going to do? You're pretty and friendly, and I like you. I might try to stick it in you. I'm sorry.

This is my condition. I'm sorry for the people that weren't able to get on tonight out of the bucket. That was that portion of the show. That was the tag it or bag it right out of the bucket. Good job tonight, guys. The bucket or fuck it. Now we move on to as every week. It originally started. We closed the show guys. The bucket or fuck it. Now we move on to, as every week, it originally started, we close the show

with one of our own special creations. We have two of them here tonight. We're going to give them both a solid 45 seconds. And so we're pretty excited about this.

Going first, the challenger, the person who's on probation, put your hands together for somebody who started here a few weeks ago, a regular on this show, making her return after not showing up and missing her spot while being called. Put your hands together for her. At Sarah Dresses, it's Sarah Mostachavi, everybody. Come in and please forgot. at Sarah Dresses. It's Sarah Mostachavi, everybody.

So I've been going in and out of this relationship for about three years. It's been in and out and in and out and in and out. Unfortunately, that's the only in and out that's been happening. We never, ever, ever had sex. I give him a full access pass to an amusement park. Any ride you want. All the fucking rides are open.

Raging Waters. Magic Mountain. Nothing. You can use the back door. Nothing. So I've taken a vow of celibacy because I guess one asshole in my pants is all I fucking need right now.

And so I'm by myself. So I'm on that journey. All right. Is that 45 seconds? I'm trying to fit it in there for you. There you go. Sarah Mostajabi. That's Sarah Dresses.

The one asshole you can fit in your pants. That's funny. I don't think I've heard that before. I've heard that a lot. You shouldn't do it. That's like an 80s joke. I'm heard that before. I've heard that a lot. You shouldn't do it. That's like an 80s joke. I'm serious. Yeah, it seems like it would be.

It seems like it's... Yeah, it seems really easy. I'm not trying to be rude. I had never heard it before, so I get excited. But there you go. Sorry. If you want to do it, you can. And all right, there she goes, Sarah Mostajabi.

Good job, Sarah. Maybe Google it and see that I'm not just being a dick. What's the Twitter handle for you again? It just seems like Sarah dresses. It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody, the defending champion, born and bred out of this podcast last week for her first set.

Now, doing 45 seconds, It's Kim Congdon. Kill Tony regular. Cool. Hi. I'm 22 years old. I hate telling people my age. Every time I say I'm 22, I'm like, I'm 22 years old. People are like, oh, you're so young. You don't know anything.

You're so naive. You don't know life. And I'm like, fucking cut me a break, okay? I've seen shit. I've been here for 22 fucking years. I was around when Justin deflowered Britney, okay? I know what happens at the end of Titanic.

I drink Stella Art Toys. Okay, people? I'm an adult. Stella Art Toys. That's all I have that's funny I think it takes you too long to get there unfortunately we've really run out of time fast

so we need to get Jeff Richards to do a closing song right so Kim Congdon thank you so much that's at Kim Congdon on Twitter right Benji anything you want to promote and Jeff real quick before you do it. I'm at Tasty Jeff.

There you go. Album Greatest Hips is coming out in the next couple months. And Benji Aflalo is at Benji Aflalo on Twitter. Anything else? I'll be at the Deskwad Show in La Jolla. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Comic Con.

July 19th and 20th. Fantastic. I'm at Tony Hinchcliffe, TonyHinchcliffe.com. I have a brand new H plus Inchcliffe plus E equation T-shirt now available. And the new Death Squad shirt is also at ShopSquad.tv. Yep. Pre-sales are available. That thing's fucking unbelievable.

Thanks, man. I'm so excited to get one myself. And now, ladies and gentlemen, closing the show, thank you all to the performers, everybody. You're going to want to catch this, an exclusive. Jeff Richards, here he goes. John Sanders on guitar. One, two, three, four.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Da-da-da-doop-boop-doop. Bop, bop, bop, bop. Da-da-da-da-doop-boop. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh my god, it's that feeling again. It's my downstairs telling my brain who's boss. Wow, what a feeling.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I, I, def wanna. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I, I def want to F. Def want to F. If you come over, I def want to F. Get you in dress. Get you in dress. And then we can F.

I don't have a place. I just have a car. If you come over, we have to F in my car, get inside my trunk, grab a hold of my junk. I'm so lonely. I'm not fat. I'm better than that. My rod is Deese and I don't own a cat. How can I own a cat? I mean, I live in my car, you know? It just wouldn't be fair to the cat, you know? I'm like, what if something happened to the cat, you know? What if the cat got like a viral infection or some shit, you know?

I mean, that could be really expensive. My friend Debbie had a cat and had an esophagus. It was too large for its body, so they had to put a new esophagus in there. It was like $9,000. And the cat still died. The cat still died! I mean, I don't know if I can go through that kind of turmoil right now. Deaf wanna F. Deaf wanna F. Diddle my middle and get impressed.

Deaf wanna F. Def wanna F. Uncross your legs so I can locate your nest. Def wanna F. Def wanna F. Close your eyes if you have to, I guess. Def wanna F. Def wanna F. I'm super quick.

It'll be over before you know it. That's episode six of Kill Tony. Thank you everybody for being here. The Death Squad It'll be over before you know it. at Comic Patriot on Twitter. Tony Inchcliffe and Red Band, thank you. Hey, bro. Hey, how's it going? How you doing? I'm doing fine.