KILL TONY - KILL TONY #60

Episode Date: August 4, 2014

Stephen Rannazzisi, Andrew Santino, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Autistic Patriot/Joshua Meyrowitz, Brian Redban – Date: 07/14/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for all our links to all our shit, including videos to all the podcasts, and ways to subscribe to us on iTunes. But most importantly, click on the tour dates at the top of deathsquad.tv, and that'll take you to our new tour date calendar. This week, Friday, August 8th, me and Sam Tripoli are bringing Death Squad down to Florida. August 8th, we'll be in Tampa at the Crowbar. August 9th, we'll be in Jacksonville at Underbelly. And August 10th, we'll be in Orlando at Will's Pub. And then just added,

August 16th, me, Ryan Sickler, and Sam Tripoli are going to be at Velvet Jones. Again, that's August 16th, Velvet Jones in Santa Barbara, California. Also, don't forget to check out ShopSquad.tv, the official store for the Death Squad universe. We have t-shirts, hoodies, hats, toys, posters, stickers, everything you could possibly want. And all the proceeds we get for everything you get at Shop Squad goes right to paying all the bills. So if you like what we do here and you want us to keep it free, go to shopsquad.tv and buy some shit. And don't forget to check out Tony's website, tonyhinchcliffe.com. All right, here's a brand new episode. Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Fuck yeah, everybody. Wow, how exciting. Josh, go to the green room, dude. Go to the green room.

People are out of control. Everything's always bonkers here. Hi, everybody. Welcome. It's Monday night. Good to see you guys. It's like a real live show happening right now. This is very exciting.

Fuck yeah. Comedians in the top. How are you tonight? All right. Very good. A lot of energy. A lot of indica going around the comedy store, obviously. Not a sativa crowd, but we're going to have fun with it anyway.

You're quadruple fisting, I see. This is my first time seeing this. Well, we got a new sponsor this week. New sponsor, everybody. Squirt dropped us. We love Squirt, but it turns out that they weren't happy about you talking about mixing it with tequila to make margaritas. They said they were looking for a younger base. So you know what?

We said, why don't we contact an alcohol company? Sure enough, turns out I checked my mailbox. They contacted us. Ace Perry Hard Cider. Delicious. 5% volume by alcohol. For those of you that ever want a sweet, refreshing, it is summertime. Am I right, guys? So what's better than a delicious, hard, get ready for it, pear cider. alcohol for those of you that ever want a sweet refreshing it is summertime am i right guys

so what's better than a delicious hard get ready for it pear cider everybody loves a delicious pear in the summertime we're happy to uh i tell you what you can do with it this is what i'm doing you take a little bit of fireball and you put it in your mouth and then you drink a little of this it's amazing it tastes like a caramel apple or something, even though it's a pear. I'm just glad that we're mixing liquors instead of squirt. We enjoyed squirt. We had fun with McDonald's. But we've moved on to Ace Pear Hard Cider, guys. So put your hands together for Ace Hard Cider, everybody.

We're selling our soul one episode at a time. That's right. And it feels good. And we're not allowed to actually bring up apples. We're only supposed to be talking about pears. We might have already fucked up. We said the A word. Guys, guess what?

This is episode 60 of Kill Tony, everybody. 60. 60 times. Six decades worth of episodes. And a lot of talking in the audience today. Totally. It's a very, very I believe, if you guys want a megaphone to order your drinks,

Josh, can we get a megaphone? Maybe mic them up. Maybe they're ordering some delicious Ace Perry hard cider. That's right. But we also have a fun announcement, guys. You may have remembered our killer appearance at the L.A. Podfest last year where our guests were Mark Maron and Doug Benson.

That was the Los Angeles Podcast Festival that we did last year. We're going to be back this year. Guys, what's going on over there? I'm loving you. I love you guys. I love you. Just a little bit less. No, you can't.

We're doing a show here, if you haven't noticed. A little bit less volume. But, yeah, we're going to be at the L.A. Podfest again this year, and it's September 26th through the 28th. This time, it's going to be at a cool hotel downtown here in Hollywood. Beverly Hills, right? Yep. So it's going to be a lot of fun.

Go to lapodfest.com. Who knows the kind of guests that we will have this year. We had Maren and Benson top notch on Kill Tony for that one. And it's going to be another fun one. September 26, was it? Something like that. We have time. You'll hear it for nine more weeks. Get used to it.

We are going to Comic-Con in two weeks. Is it next week? Next Wednesday. We're at Comic-Con. Kill Tony 62 will be live from Comic-Con. We have our guests lined up. Top secret. Super fun. It's going

to be out of control. So if any comedians want to make a road trip, if you're going to Comic-Con, feel free to sign up at the American Comedy Company that night right before the show starts. That's July 23rd. Kill Tony live from Comic-Con. And Tiffany Haddish will be joining us. Oh, we can announce that. Tiffany Haddish.

Maybe you know her as the Queen Bee of the Death Squad, the Nicki Minaj of queefing. The multi-talented, super funny, and we're happy to have her. Some other big people, too. And it's going to be a blast. We, on the other hand, are on episode 60 right now. And just like with every other episode, we always have someone to protect us, keep an eye on us, keep us safe at all times. It used to be the Iron Patriot, but he left us and we replaced him each week with a new Patriot.

This is this guy's third time. This is how good he is at defending us. Some of you know him as the autistic kid that is out of control around at the comedy store, and he is autistic, and he is not afraid to apologize about it. One of the funniest rising comedic talents in the

entire world, one of my best pals. Put your hands together for Joshua Meyerowitz, the autistic patriot, everybody. Hell yeah. Berowitz, the Autistic Patriot, everybody. Look at this big baby. You are adorable. How's it going, Josh? I'm good.

Sorry I didn't know I wasn't supposed to wait at the top of the stairs. No, it's okay. It's just really distracting because you're all lit up and stuff. Ah, yes. That makes sense. Heck yeah. How's it going? I'm good.

Just came back from a stomach virus, so I'm alive. You're not pooping? A lot of pooping. I almost was, not almost, I really was yelling

at my own stomach to say, just let me throw up. Just let me throw up. No, it was like dysentery. It was awful. Fuck yeah. I can't tell

where the autism starts or the Jewishness. All right, fuck it. Neurotic Jewish. I can't tell where the autism starts. Neurotic Jew. You're so Jew-y and autistic at the same time. It's so hard to tell. All I was asking myself was just to throw up. I always say I was born over autism, but everything

else is my parents' fault. They're super Jew-y, right? Not religious, thankfully, but yeah. You just turned into Seth Rogen right there. Oh, my God. And you've been on a little diet lately, huh? Yeah, it's been up and down, but I'm trying. I walk a lot.

Yeah, walking a lot while eating what, apple fritters? Hey, that's a good exercise. One bite per mile. Oh, I see. All right. No, not really. I love how you keep the lights pointed towards your stomach. Oh, no, no. It feels like I'm telling them to unleash them. Oh, I see. Make them special.

Hell yeah. I didn't really realize how big your head was until right now because I can see the top of your head and the bottom of your chin through that mask most patriots the mask covers their face but with you still some hanging out and I like that if only I could say I was large all over fuck yeah

well we're happy to have you back the autistic patriot everybody he's gonna be with us thank you Tony thank you Brian you're welcome. It's going to be a lot of fun. And as always, I always have two of my funniest pals on the show.

And guys, this is going to be a fucking blast. I've been trying to get both of these guys forever, and they're just so darn busy because they have actual careers, and I was able to drag them out on a Monday night and have some fun with us. Two of my funniest friends, two of my favorite people in the world, they're your guests tonight. Two of the smartest comics, TV extraordinaires, very funny pals.

Put your hands together for the great Steve Ranazzisi and Andrew Santino. Wow. How fun. Thank you. Welcome. Andrew, hello. How fun. Thank you. Welcome. Andrew, hello. So fun. Welcome, welcome, guys.

Good to see you. Thank you. Thank you for checking. Check, check, check. Yes. Here we go. Oh, something just fell. It's my keys.

It's all good. Thank you. Thank you for having us. Hello, everyone. How are you guys? Yeah, there you go. All right. It's that Monday belly room energy that we all love.

Yeah, real high. Thanks for coming out, you guys. Appreciate it. Yeah, guys. Thank you so much. It almost rained. Appreciate it. So this is your guys' first time, but I gave you a little rundown.

You know what goes on. Yeah. Yes. Have you ever seen anything like this specimen right here keeping an eye on us? Is the mic supposed to be there? Yes. Yeah. Is it a onesie?

Mostly, yeah. Yeah? So is it zipped in the back? Can you turn around? I want to see. Yeah, yeah. For the most part. So somebody put you in there.

So it's hard to get it all around. Zippers holding on for dear life. Who got the short straw to put you in that? Josh Martin. Josh Martin. Josh Martin, okay. Somewhere in Mexico where they make those, some little seven-year-old that's stitching that is like, for grown-ups?

Like, can't wrap his head around the fact that someone would buy that ever. And this is what it's used for. And he's starving at night, So have fun. Enjoy your bit. Somewhere inside there, the word husky is written, right? Extra, extra, extra. Extra husky. Yeah.

Awesome. Congratulations, man. Normally there's a part of the show where the Patriot always asks the guests a question. Patriot, you have any questions for our guests tonight? I'd like to start with Andrew. First question. We're friends, right? Oof.

Oof. Is there a decoder ring that comes with that suit? A verbal decoder ring? What did he say? He said, I'd like to start with the first question. Andrew, we're fine, right?

We're friends, right? We're fine. Friends. We're fine. Okay, much love. Oh, much love, guys. No, we're friends. We're friends. We're friends.

I appreciate it. Much love. We're friends. My second question is, being on the show Rexology, how drunk were you every time you taped? Like, did you drink a lot? No. Oh, good. Yeah, the secret to Hollywood is that no one is allowed to drink on sets unless you've blown one of the head writers.

And that's the only reason why. Otherwise, I would have, yeah. But I just canker soresres and I just can't. You know what I mean? So no, we didn't drink on set. Any other bad questions? No, they tend to be bad because I have no choice. I love you.

I love you. I love you. What about for Steve? What do you got for Steve? Yeah, Steve, being on the show The League, it's all about fantasy football and whatnot. How much into sports are you actually? Cast two.

I am actually very into sports. I grew up playing sports and still love to follow sports, but the rest of the cast, not so much. Really, Nick Kroll is. He's into sports. John LeJoy is Canadian. He's into hockey.

I know. Hockey. Yeah, that's about it. You're the only real sports fan. The rest of them are art. They're like, they're art fags. You're in the... That's what my dad would say. Art fags. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no throwing a baseball around in between takes on my show. But tomorrow, I get to do a thing with football players. So they write scenes for me because they know that I can do that kind of stuff. Like throw a football. And you guys improvise.

Yeah. And you guys write a lot of that, right? Well, the script, it's just outlines. There are like 10-page outlines for each episode. So we improvise the scene. The scene is written kind of like this is how we start and this is where we got to get to. And here's some stuff we might want to touch in the middle. But scene is written kind of like, this is how we start, and this is where we gotta get to, and here's some stuff we might want to touch in the middle, but let's

go. And then that's how we do it. So you guys are just trying to make each other laugh a lot. Yeah, like curb your enthusiasm. Trying to make each other laugh. If we're laughing, then we can't use it. So what the fuck, guys? Get your shit together. It's like curb without as many Jews. Yes. We have a Jew limit. Sub-Jews.

There's a harsh Jew ceiling on our show. Josh sounds like you'll never be on the league. Yes. Unless you audition in that outfit. We'll find something for you. Thank God I don't always wear this outfit. Nailed it. Good job, buddy.

Josh, is that all for your questions? Oh, yeah. I'm going to go sit over there. Josh, you're fine, Josh. Stay calm. Do I have a question for you? I do. Yeah.

Are we friends, man? Yeah. Cool. You're the first friends I've made at the commies. Come give me a hug. I have a follow-up for that question. Yeah. Well, this is...

Oh, watch out for the microphone. Oh, I'm going to see what's going on. Does that outfit breathe? No. Okay. Should we be worried about your health? Are you sweating all right? Are you marinating In that thing

Josh Martin's supposed To put like a water Over there just in case Okay What a bummer Here man What a bummer To die in that thing

Yeah That would be such We're not taking that off By the way You're going straight To everything To you know In that outfit

Well when they see you I don't know It's up to them He doesn't look handsome In the casket Alright You know what You know what when they see you. It's up to them. He doesn't look handsome in the casket. Alright. You know what?

I had that moment when your old aunt, Trudy, tries to tell a joke at the busy dinner table and just does that to the room and you're like, oh, Trudy. Don't do it anymore. Don't try to tell jokes. No one's laughing. Comedy's not funny.

My confidence is soaring. Oh, I love you. You're killing it. Much love. Much love is Josh's catchphrase. Unfortunately. Josh, thank you so much. I'm glad to have you guys here.

Are you guys ready to get this thing started? Love you, Josh. Very you so much. I'm glad to have you guys here. Are you guys ready to get this thing started? Yes. Love you, Josh. Absolutely. Thanks, man. Very excited about this. Comedians, you know how it works. For those of you that are new, you get 60 seconds. You'll know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the meow of a kitty.

Aw, how adorable. That means you've got to wrap up your time right then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Extra angry tonight. He has a gun. He just attacked a horse there at the end. And so you don't want to bring out that guy. So respect the sound of the kitty.

Do your time. And let's not bring out that bear. If only for the podcast listeners ears alone. Every week they complain. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight. Do you want a minute? Put your hands together for Bo Scott.

Here he comes. From the government. here he is bo scott everybody hey guys how are you it's great to be here i was at a club actually with my buddy tino yesterday we walked in he was, man, why is there so many fucking dudes in here? I was like, Tino, we're in the men's restroom. We were actually in the men's restroom, man. We went to see this DJ. He was playing dance music, which is kind of cool, but nobody was

dancing because they were all just sitting there filming that shit. Just crazy around their phones so much, man. Seriously, dude, I was like, this is bullshit, man. Why can't we just live in the moment? I was so pissed off. I had to tweet that shit. This is bullshit.

Why can't we just live in the moment? Nah, people are on their phones a lot, man. Like, I want to check my status right now. I actually just did. No notifications. But I like Facebook because you can post all the good things that are going on in your life. And you don't have to hear the bad things like, Hey, just moved to L.A.

I went up on stage tonight. Life is great. You don't hear, Hey, just moved to L.A. It's expensive as shit. Had to suck three dicks just to pay rent. I'm just kidding. Just kidding.

Two dicks. I love that you have a friend named Tino. I do. He's not white. Is he Latino? I think so, actually. Interesting. What concert were you guys at?

We were at a Deadmau5 show in Vegas. Last night? That was fabricated. Where does that guy get off having the espy of five? The what? The espy? It's Deadmau5. Are there more than one Deadmau5?

I've always thought about that. Dead Mice is a band in Portland. Where does that guy who does he think he is who do all these fucking DJs think they are to begin with right

isn't it crazy that like society is like what they're so awesome people like that they love it man it's they just they play it on airplanes now

that shit they're popping up everywhere yeah they are I love it do you see they're popping off everywhere they're. They're popping up everywhere. Yeah. They are. I love it. Did you say they're popping off everywhere? They're popping up. Oh, popping up everywhere.

And popping off, too. It's amazing to me that he gets to wear a mask. Like, you know, he gets to just be ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He shouldn't be allowed in show business. Yeah, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. Ugly person?

Right. What if he's really good looking? Dude, all comedians are pretty much ugly. But we don't go up there with a mouse head on and we should be doing it before him. Some of us should. Do you know what he looks like without the mask on? No, that's what I'm saying.

It could be four of them running around. It looks like if Tony did meth his whole life and got tattoos. He looks like Tony Meth. Deadmau5 was actually on a Death Squad podcast. I actually know Deadmau5 pretty well. Tony did meth his whole life and got tattoos. He looks like Tony Meth. Meth Tony. Deadmau5 was actually on a Death Squad podcast. I actually know Deadmau5 pretty well.

Oh, shit. Excuse us. Jesus. How long are you going to let us babble on for, Red Band, before you've kindly interrupted us

with your depth of knowledge? He's just like, yeah, and Diplo's my cousin. Avicii's my nephew. What's more interesting is like... I blew DJ Easy Rock last week. Does that count?

Daft Punk. Both of them wear masks. A lot of people don't even know what he looks like. They look like. It's weird that electronic music has started wearing costumes. He does kind of look like Jim. I feel so bad now for saying what I said now. Oh, no. I don't know.

Because these gentlemen are musicians as well. And they deserve, just like any other musician, there's comedians that I think are unfunny. Sia doesn't face the audience when she does her songs. Do you see her on...

Okay, yeah. She gets nervous. Do they see her on Ellen? Yeah, on Ellen. Say it. Did you see her on Ellen? We watched it. I watched Ellen.

I saw her on Ellen. Live? I taped it. Some are saying that Tiesto doesn't even press play at half of his concerts. He has somebody else do it for him. He pays someone to press play? That's what I'm saying. I saw it on Allen. Live? I taped it. Some are saying that Tiesto doesn't even press play at half of his concerts. He has somebody else do it for him. He pays someone to press play? That's what I'm saying.

There could be three Deadmau5s from all over the world right now. They don't know who knows who. Everyone's posting pictures of Deadmau5s. I'm going to go back on what I said. I want to be a DJ now. They get like $30 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To not do it.

To not do it. You're right. He's actually a DJ, by the yeah. To not do it. To not do it. You're right. He's actually a DJ, by the way. Are you? Oh, are you? Yes. But let's talk about my shitty set and make it better. Wait a minute.

No, no, no. Let's not talk about your shitty set. First of all. Let's talk about anything else. You would never, if you weren't where we were and you weren't in the audience, you would never know you weren't doing well because you're confident. Easy, buddy. Easy.

Because you really had a confident, you were like, I'm going through this minute regardless of what the reaction from the audience is going to be. And that's that. So number one, I give you kudos for that. That's a hard thing to do before you just start to self-deprecate and shit on yourself. Yeah. And I'll putrecate and shit on yourself. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. And I'll put some more whipped cream on that. This isn't an easy thing to do. No. To fucking get up here with fucking us on stage. Like, how obnoxious to do the thing that you're supposed to be comfortable in. And it's like, oh, yeah, we're going to put four dudes up there staring at you.

I felt depressed as soon as I put this costume on. Yeah, I mean. Boing, boing, boing. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing better than the security guard, so. Yeah. It says Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes on your.

That's the name of the character. That's the name of the character, yeah. Oh, boy. You just, don't poke the bear in the face. Wow, opening that window up. No, don't do that. Just nerd wind. It's poke the bear in the face. Wow. Opening that window up. No. Don't do that. Just nerd wind. It's going to blow you right over.

Did you go to Vegas with Tino to see Deadmau5? No. But what's funny, that actually did happen. He did get really drunk. And there's a whole session how I actually get into that. I just wanted to get the minute out of there. So we just started right there. What was the one...

A lot of dudes in the club and then the bathroom. No, what was the one where you sucked a dick to be here or something? To pay rent. To pay rent. Where are you from? I'm from San Diego and Atlanta. San Diego and Atlanta. Cool. I just think I just think

when someone's like it's expensive in LA when I first moved here I was like yeah this is kind of expensive but I'm from Chicago where it's just as expensive

and then you go to New York and you're like oh nothing is expensive anywhere like in New York when they're like this is a

one bedroom it's like I don't know anywhere from $3,200 you're like what did you how much, anywhere from $3,200 to $4,000. You're like, how much for the? Yeah. For what?

Shafir pays $2,000 for a hovel. I mean, it is. It's a hoarder's paradise. A closet. So he loves it, but it's a hovel. How's his location, though? Great. East Village, great.

He has a setup. But anything is great there, because you're there. So it's like, I mean, unless you're really fucking eking it out far away in the hood, if you're there, you're there. It's all a good location. It's not like here where it's like, what's his location? He's like, he's south of the 10. And you're like, oof.

Where do you live here? Tough. I live in Hollywood in the ghetto. So it's not that expensive. What's the ghetto of Hollywood? What are those cross streets? A thousand bucks? Yeah. Really? Studio? It's not that expensive. What's the ghetto of Hollywood? What are those cross streets? A thousand bucks? Yeah.

Really? Studio? It's a three bedroom. Three bedroom? No, he lives with two other dudes. What are your cross streets? I live with one other dude. We have a studio where I make really amazing music.

Bo underscore Scott is my Twitter. I'm also a DJ. Remixer. Wait, hold on. All right. So now I got to ask you. I got to ask you a question. Is this

what level of comedy did you see yourself getting to? Is this like, I like to try this out? Is this like, I like to be funny when I mix records and I can say shit on the mic? Or is this like, I want to be a stand-up comedian? Be honest. I want to have a really big

show and I don't know what it is yet, but I know that one day And I don't know what it is yet. But I know that one day if I keep doing this, that it will manifest itself. So you want to talk to the audience if you're mixing or whatever it is. I'm a really good host. I host shows. Well, we'll be the judge of that. We'll just slow down.

How old are you? 30. I mean, yeah, fuck it. I think I agree with what you're saying. No, I'm being serious. I agree with what you're saying. I think, yeah, fuck it. I think I agree with what you're saying. No, I'm being serious. I agree with what you're saying. I think, yeah, man, fucking if you have good work ethic, do whatever you want to fucking do.

It's a piece of the puzzle. Stand-up is a piece of the entertainment. If you were DJing here right now, what would be the first song that you'd play? I'd play that one that goes, When I was a young war tag. What happened? There you go.. What happened?

There you go. What just happened? Bo, we love you so much. Thank you. Bo Scott, everybody. Love you. Fantastic. He's on Twitter at Bo underscore Scott.

For those of you listening. A part of me was like, am I that high? Yeah. I mean, I am, but I was like, what is that? What just happened? I had to recalibrate my brain for a second.

Josh, you ever been to a nightclub or a place where there's like a real DJ playing? Yeah. What's that like for you? Uncomfortable. I'm just not good at socializing unless I get into a conversation, but then I automatically ruin it by being me, asking about movies and comic books. Plus, Avicii is playing in the background, so it's hard to hear, right?

Yeah, and then, of course, well, I haven't been to a nightclub in years, so it used to be even worse because I'd apologize even more. Why? Because I'm an erotic shit. No, you're not, dude. Don't keep saying that, you're not, dude.

Don't keep saying that, otherwise it may come true. So the time that you were at a nightclub, how did that happen? It was a friend's birthday, and I think it was a brother's friend of mine, because he's a douche, he goes to clubs. So then you walk in. Yeah, I walk in, and'm just trying to, for the first couple of minutes, I'm just feeling things out. And then I realize how out of place I am. And it sucks because, you know, it doesn't feel good to not feel like you belong.

Yeah, well, you belong here. Yeah, you felt like Travolta's brother in Saturday Night Fever, the priest, when you bring him to the club, right? Is that a reference everybody got? Perfect. Nailed it. Do you feel like you everybody got? Perfect. Nailed it. Do you feel like you belong here? Absolutely.

Well, great. Then you have your thing, you know what I mean? Yeah, fuck it. Good. You belong here. It got really sad. I was asking him questions to feed him a line, and it just got sadder.

No, this is a nightclub. You belong here. This is a nightclub. You belong here. I'm so depressed right now. For some reason, really, as soon as I put this costume on, I fucking just got deep.

And by the way, Josh, you're not missing a fucking thing. Nothing. Nothing. No, no. I know. I saw the vapidness. Nice use of vapid, buddy.

Good job. Good job. Quite the vernacular. I try. Heck yeah. Much love. Much, so much love. Josh, you're the best.

Thank you. This is exciting. Heck yeah best What's inside your hand? Is it one of those closet push lights? Yeah You know those closet push lights? They got some rigs set up in here It actually has a mode where it flashes Is that an iPhone in the middle?

No Not that No, dude, right up here No, it's just some wiping because that's where... Why wouldn't they put an iPhone in there? That's such a good call. That's such a good iPhone spot. As a case, too.

You're set up. You can go scuba diving with that thing. I pulled a new name. This should be fun. Every listener knows this guy as our accident-prone producer. And sometimes, if he likes the panel, he actually signs up. And if he's lucky, he gets pulled out of the bucket and it just happened. Put your hands together.

Yeah. Josh Martin, everybody. Here he is. The legend killer, Josh Martin. Check, check. Yeah. Hey, guys. What's up?

I'm a shitty person, guys. Hey, guys. What's up? I'm a shitty person, guys. A real shitty person. And I'm okay with it. I'm okay with being a shitty person. That's just who I am. I'm just being me. But my friends tell me, hey, Josh, you should try being a nicer person. And I don't give a fuck.

Because, like, I can be a nice person. Like, I can help people, I can feed the hungry. I'm gonna die with a small dick. And that sucks, a lot. You guys aren't laughing, but that's the funny part. Because the only thing worse than dying with a small dick is living with a small dick. That's the only thing worse.

Like AIDS, AIDS is a horrible disease Horrible disease Would I trade my small dick for a bigger dick with AIDS? God damn right I would Like immediately Like women would still I feel like women would be more inclined to fuck me Like they'll flip a coin

Like hey Josh, it's tails Pull that AIDS dick out and let's do this shit That's all that AIDS dick out and let's do this shit. That's all. Wow. AIDS dick. AIDS dick. AIDS dick.

AIDS dick. I smell an album cover. Wait, you smell an album cover? New Wave is on the phone. That'd be great. AIDS dick. It could be. It could be a scratch and sniff album cover. All right.

Can I ask a question? Yes. Do you have a really small dick? It's average. It's normal. It's like four and a half, five. It's like five. Four and a half.

Five on an amazing day. An amazing day? Like with the new moon or something? The full moon? Super moon? It goes with the new moon or something? The full moon? You know. Super moon? It goes with the tides. You know what?

I have a theory that there's no such thing as a small dick. I think you're average or you're like above. That's it. Yeah. He could be like a tuna can. Two inches out, but like 15 in girth. It all averages out. Are you that?

That counts too, Josh. Maybe nobody told you that. Small limb and small girth. It all averages out. Think about it. Are you that? That counts too, Josh. Maybe nobody told you that. Small limb and small girth. Oh, and small. All right. Well, you know this is being recorded, right? People are going to listen to this.

Like three people. There might be women who are like, hey, I love small dick. There's not, though. You're not going to get any of that. No emails. Like there's 100% not, though. No emails are coming your way.

No one has ever said that ever. No guy's ever like, I love a giant pussy. Yeah. The giantest pussy ever. I want it. Yep. No guy that would never be. But I have a theory that every dick is fine.

Your dick is always fine. Raise your hand if you're a girl in here and you've had like an embarrassingly small cock. Raise your hand if you've had a guy. You have in the back? Okay. How many guys were there, though? Was it just one? Just one.

Her whole life of fucking, just one guy. So, like, you got the neo of small dicks. Well, hold on, then. You've got to ask the follow-up. I mean, we've got to know what the ratio is. Is it one and two? That's 50%. That's not good.

I'm just working off assumption. Are we going over five? Over or under five? Just give me the over. Over, over, over, over. Over? Under. Oh, shit.

Now we're talking 25%. Where's the polygraph? 25% or lower. How old are you? 23. No way. Five? No chance.

Did you go to college? You're a liar. You're 100% a liar. I can see it from here, guys. You're 100% a lying person. I can see it from here, guys. You're 100% a lying person. I can see it from here. Her pants are literally on fire right now. Do you see what I look like, lady?

I fuck more than five people in college. You're a liar. You have all the power. You're sitting on a condominium right now. Do you realize that? I have a follow-up question to Steve's follow-up question. After you had sex with the guy with the small dick, did you ever go back to him again after that?

Boom. Did you hear how fast that no came out, by the way? I got to did you. She's like, no. I guess that answers it, Josh. My bad, man. You're fucked. Yeah, that's it.

I'm fucked. Are you good at going down on a girl? You know. What's the length of your tongue? What's your tongue? A good three and a half? I don't have this retarded tongue for no reason. Hey, hey, don't say the R word.

No, man, come on. Don't use that. That's gross. Yeah. You can say AIDS dick all you want. Me going down on a girl is gross. It's not gross. It's not gross.

It's a beautiful fucking act of two people that enjoy each other's company. Well, there's only one me. There's only one. And that's me. You don't like you because you me. There's only one, and that's me. You don't like you because you don't like going. She doesn't want me. Why wouldn't she not want you to eat her pussy? Because she's probably drunk and passed out. Josh. Josh, can I?

Josh, can I? Is that right? Hold on. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. I have a question. Look, I'll be honest with you. I'm not really well-versed in all your work. But I watched this minute, and it's self-deprecating. And that could be your thing. That's my entire set. That's your whole thing.

All my jokes. But there's different ways to be self-deprecating rather than just completely shitting on yourself as a lover of any capacity. You've got to leave one door open. In that hallway, if you ever want to get laid again, one door has got to stay open. You can go down other hallways, self-deprecating hallways, but you got to leave a door open down there, buddy. Otherwise, no one's ever going to fuck you.

That's right. You got to leave a door open. You can have a small dick, but you have a great tongue. Yeah. Let me ask you something. Is it? Right? Right.

Absolutely. But I have a question for you. Do you ever do the alphabet trick when you're going down on a girl? And as a guy with a speech impediment, what do you do? Just skip the R's and the W's? It's all W's. It's just W, W, W. That's a 10-star joke, by the way.

And then Avicii's there watching you. Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub, wub. That's great. Is that really what you do? No. I'm actually really good at going down on a girl. I'm the fucking best. There you go. I was just being self-deprecating

just for a joke. Are you willing to go down on a girl and not sleep with her? Just go down on her? If I'm going to do all that work, I got to at least put it in once and then I'm good after that. You can't just... You can't do all the work, I've got to at least put it in once, and then I'm good after that. You can't just. What?

You can't just do all the work and go down on a girl. And then you're going to put it in once and then walk away? What are you going to do with that one pump? I will probably most likely cum already. I will most likely cum already. Wait, have you ever believed in premature ejaculation? Have you ever believed in that? Well, I don't...

Have this happened to people? I always feel like it's premature. But have you ever been so hot for a woman when you're with her and you think you're going to have sex with her and you're like hugging her and even though it doesn't happen... You know when you're ready to fuck a girl super hard and you're like

massaging her hair and buying her dinner? And then when you get a chance and you're in your underpants and you're like, oh shit,

I jizzed a little. Wow. Wow. A little though and not full on. Have you, well, but I see this

is what I don't get. If you hug a girl, you have a hard on when you jizz or do you have a Yeah, the hug comes after all this is what I don't get. If you hug a girl, you have a hard-on when you just, or do you have a... Yeah, the hug comes after all this, like, sweet talk and all that. Right. You don't limp jizz, do you?

No. Yeah, it has to... I don't know if that, what is it? If it's just jizz came out of your limp dick. I didn't know if you'd limp jizz. Oh, no, no, I don't think so. I think I was hard on her. You just immediately made Josh Martin look like a pimp by the way.

Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, I was going to say I had it worse than Josh. I've never had experience other than the one prostitute I had two years ago losing my virginity. Fuck yeah, dude. And here she is, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Corvette. Special guest, Corvette.

I hit my autism a little bit. It was great. Do you have wet dreams, Josh? No. No. No, but you'll hug a girl and cum in your pants my autism a little bit. It was great. Do you have wet dreams, Josh? No. No. No, but you'll hug a girl and cum in your pants. Just a little. Do you have...

What happens if you hug a girl and fall asleep? Do you have regular dreams? Oh, hell no! Is your every dream regular? I mean, do you dream at night? I feel like you stay up all night. I have a hard time sleeping. Yeah, I feel like you stay up all night. I have a hard time sleeping. I feel like you stay up.

The best of us stay up all night. Josh Martin, do you ever have wet dreams? No, because I jerk off way too much. How often do you jerk off? I do that too. My high score for a day? You're asking? I was talking about an average.

Eight? I jerked off eight times one time. It was like freshman in college. Did you have the speech impediment before this eight-time jerk-off day? Yes. Or that's just how you sounded afterwards? I always started writing a bit about if guys were born with lodometers. Like just like an odometer that told you how many loads you've blown in your life.

And then it's like, you would have friends, but then what if we were all like 11,000, 16,000, 14,000, and he was like 38,000? Would you ever talk to him? Would you ever be like, that's a guy I want in my social community? That's not a hand you want to shake anymore. It would be funny if the loadometer

had to be worn on your arm at all times, so everybody knew your loadometer. But you know dudes would start breaking into their lodometers and rolling back. Changing it? Could you roll back your lodometer, man? No, I swear to God. Dude, 11, come on, bro.

I've got a guy. I've got a guy in East LA that could change it. I swear, I'm 23. Liar. Liar. 100% liar. Where are you from, liar? Florida.

Oh, that's where liars are from. Not a chance. I take it back, too. Not a chance. 100% liar. Where are you from, liar? Oh, that's where liars are from. Not a chance. I take it back, too. Not a chance. Wait a minute. What part of Florida? South Florida? No. Is that an island? Where is that? It's on the west side, right? It's the Gulf side?

Yeah, the Gulf side. The Gulf side by Tampa. Tampa's fucking gross. Don't throw that at him. But St. Pete sounds white and nice. What is it? Baseball minor league team there, right? Baseball minor league team,

right? St. Pete. What's the median household income? Final question. Have you ever seen anybody get tased living near Tampa by a cop? Hipsters. Cops tased living near Tampa by a cop? Hipsters. Really? Cops tase people in Tampa a lot.

Do they? Fun fact, yeah. She doesn't live in Tampa. She's from St. Pete's. They're very quick to tase. Where do you live while you're here? Oh, cool. Boom.

Josh. Good talking to you. Fun times, man. I love that you put out to all the listeners that you have a four and a half inch penis. I said five. At least you have a real set of balls. Under five is only a short amount of time. If any of the listeners love big balls.

That's not a good thing. Don't say that. Nobody's ever had a big ball, small dick fetish, Josh. It's not going to start. You don't know all these hoes. And they're had a big ball, small dick fetish, Josh. It's not going to start. And they're not big, Josh. You don't know all these hoes. They're just big in comparison to your tiny, tiny dick. Maybe there's

average balls. Wait, but when would be big balls a benefit? You remember when someone in middle school was like, you have small nuts or something? It's like, I don't know why big balls would be cool to have. I've got big balls! Wait, you're saying you have a five inch stick?

Hilarious. Are we videotaping this? Hilarious. He looked like Fredo with the gun in Godfather. I'm done. I'm done with the old references. I'm done. I appreciate it. the old references. I'm done.

I mean, five inches is not actually very small. No, it's not at all. How many baby hands is it? Two. Wow. Two baby hands. Two baby hands? How many baby hands is five inches?

That's about four baby hands. Why are baby hands touching your dick, though? No, that's a good inch. Baby hands use an inch. Baby hands are a good inch? Yeah. I don't have access to baby hands, though. That's my problem. You ever had a baby

hold your little baby finger like that? No. Josh, thank you so much. Josh, great job. Love you, Josh. I love you to death. Funny new minute. At Josh Martin Comic. Always fun. He's going to be with us

in San Diego at Comic Con next week and at the LA Podfest. Comic Con. That's going to be fun. You know a question that I always ask every first time guest is, do you guys remember when you first started out?

Was there ever a joke or something that you talked about or did on stage that you looking back on it like you can't believe that you did? The gym. I did a gym bit, my first open mic here. I signed up for the open mic. Shafir was the host. No one in the audience.

I went up. I did it in New York because people in New York went to the gym at their lunch. They showered, did everything there. Nobody, so as soon as I was done, I was like, oh, by the way, fucking lose that joke because nobody fucking showers at the gym here

and you're an asshole and a liar and people will know that. And I was like, oh, thank you way, fucking lose that joke because nobody fucking showers at the gym here. And you're an asshole and a liar. And people will know that. And I was like, oh, thank you very much. Welcome to the comedy store. So, yeah. Then I just stopped talking about showering at the gym. Wow. But everybody had a shower.

Everybody, I think, in the world has had a showering at the gym. Or a version of that kind of getting a dick hit in your face or something. Staring at dicks on a bench. Yeah, something like that. Did you notice a big difference between the comedy of East Coast versus West Coast? Because Jay Moore is going on this tirade right now on Twitter. I saw that tweet today. Yeah, did you see?

Somebody asked him what's the difference between West Coast comedy and East Coast comedy. He's like, East Coast comedies, they're funny or something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Who said that? Jay Moore. I think Jay Moore said it probably.

So he's saying everybody on the West Coast isn't funny? That's what he pretty much said. That's a fucking bold statement. So yeah, I guess it's like where you started,

is that where you're considered, yeah. Because I mean, most people now, when you look at a comedian like Doug Davidoff who did it for 12 years in New York and then moved here and lived here for six years. So what is he then?

I don't know. Is he an East Coast comedian? Well, he's back there now, so I guess so. I don't know. I guess. Did you notice a difference? Did people – I mean, did you have to change your set list almost to a point? Well, references are references depending on where you are. But I think the tone of the

comedian on the East Coast is a little more, I don't give a fuck. I don't really, you know, like, whether or not you're going to listen to me or pay attention or care about what I'm talking about. I either don't give a fuck or I'm going to figure out a way to crack the nut. Out here,

I think people kind of, you know, there are certain places. This place down here, the comedy store, is sort of along the same lines where you have to be able to build that muscle

or you won't be able to do it here. But then there are other places that are kind of have like an audience that works with that kind of comedian. I think it's the same workout,

just a different machine. Yeah. Right though? It's just to say, like, to say that like, that's, that's like, funny is funny everywhere different machine. You know what I mean? To say that... Funny is funny everywhere. So if you're funny, you're funny.

And when you're young and starting out anyway... Yeah, Bill Burr was funny in New York. I knew who he was. Then he moved here, and he also was very funny here. People also enjoyed him. And when you're starting out and you're shit, you're going to be shit there and you're going to be shit here. It'll be a different kind of shit.

There you'll be talking only about the subway, and then here we'll be talking only about how small your dick is or something. Andrew, I didn't get an answer from you, if anything embarrassing. My least favorite bit that I had.

If you did something, like some people talk about. That thing you did a week ago that I Oh no. Yeah, that was so fucked up. I no, I don't, I think the only thing I did, well, when I first started coming here and then I left and came back

but when I first started coming here I threw a fucking temper tantrum at an open mic one time because I just kept coming and didn't get up and didn't get up and it was so fucking annoying was it here? yeah it was here and I was so fucking mad I don't know who was running the list

but I was like you fucking piece of shit you pick your fucking friends every week I was just tired of that I was living in a kitchen is what it was my problem I was projecting I was tired of living in a kitchen that's what a lot of this is I was mad in a kitchen is what it was my problem. I was projecting. I was tired of living in a kitchen. That's what a lot of this is. I was mad. I was mad as fuck. It wasn't his fault, but I was just being a dick because I was like, I live near plates.

I was just mad. It was my issue. You were crashing in a kitchen at one point? I lived in a... It was like a kitchen slash dining room in a house in Culver City with two other dudes and one bathroom. That's amazing.

That bathroom must have been really clean all the time. I fucking scrubbing constantly. No, it was just like the worst. That was like one of those scenarios where like, what's the worst? Yeah, you're living like an Al-Qaeda cell and you're just expected to be cheery at night. Right. And make people laugh. Right.

And never get on the list. Go be funny. Go be funny after what you had today. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why I always am like, whenever I see super new, brand new comics and they're like, yeah, I'm terrible. It's like, dude, no fucking, everything's terrible right now.

It'll just, it'll get way better if you keep doing it. But no one is good when they start out. And because you have such a dismal approach to things because you're like, I live in a fucking kitchen with two people. I can't shit when I want to. I can't fucking shower. I want to kill humans. But then it all gets a little bit better.

And then you get on a show or something and it's great and then you want to kill humans again for other reasons. For different reasons. It's always shit, basically, is life. Fuck yeah, everybody. Yeah, that's it.

Let's bring up the next funny person to the stage. This should be interesting. I always love just one-name people, and this person also doesn't have a Twitter, which is also very foreshadowing of perhaps some excitement. Put your hands together for Rod. Is there a Rod? Bailout.

Then you just got blacklisted. Suck it. That's what happens if you miss your spot. Really? So now everybody named Rod will never be allowed on again. Your next comedian goes, oh, this is another.

One of these one-liner assassins. I mean, an absolute cold-blooded killer. Really funny, very funny up-and-coming talent. Put your hands together for Gabriel Killian. And I can't come, I'll piss off a room. I used to think that urban legends were just really cool basketball players who lived in the hood. I've heard of athlete's foot, but man, this morning I saw a chick with athlete's face. I used to get into a lot of fights in high school. They kicked me out, sent me to a school in the ghetto.

I was the new kid in school, so everyone was just trying to fuck with me. And one by one, I sent them all to the hospital. Pretty soon, word got around, don't fuck with Gabe. He has AIDS. I think it's important to follow that joke by saying that I don't have AIDS. Because I look like I could have AIDS. Alright, thanks. 58 seconds of thunder.

Super funny. Yeah. Fucking great. What did I say to you before he started? You said you're gonna like this kid. I thought, he's like, he's funny. Last time I saw you, you were super fucking funny.

That's funny as shit. Did you on purpose fuck up the face? No. No, just my first time doing it. I loved it. I love it. I need to fuck. Underneath your time doing it. I loved it. I love it. I need to fuck. Underneath your breath?

It was great. I love it. I loved it. It was really funny. What's your nationality? What is it? Armenian Greek. Oh, get the fuck out of here, man.

Come on. Get the fuck out of here. Jesus Christ. You know what's great about being like that is that I was looking at you. Do your profile. Stand sideways real quick.

Look at that I thought he was Roman for sure yeah I saw my people I don't I just think you got that thing where you can be everything like you could

you could be kind of black you could be Egyptian Mexican he can be everything by the way that's a great skill to have yeah be everything I'm not kidding

there's a Jason Manzoukas on the league people think he's Indian people think he's Greek. People think he's Italian. They don't know what the fuck he is. Yeah, right. Could he be Italian?

100%. 100%. He told me you were Mexican. I'd be like, whatever. Yep, Mexican guy, sure. He could even, if you ask me, he could be a quarter Asian. Let me see. Look away and then look back in your best Asian face.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Josh. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, he's right. Yeah, for sure. Josh, bring your dick Asian face. Oh, yeah, you're right. Josh. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, he's right. Yeah, for sure. Josh, bring your dick up here. We have to measure it against this guy. We want to get an accurate measurement.

But you have this great... Hey, lift up. Let me see your belly. Oh, my God. Nice, nice, man. Yeah, bro. You're a comedian. You're not even wearing those pants at some point.

He's starving. Look at him. He is starving. You're a comedian, bro. Keep writing these fucking pants at some point. He's starving. Look at him. He is starving. You're a comedian, bro. Keep writing these fucking jokes. Keep writing great fucking jokes and being funny as shit. Really funny, man. Good job.

Super funny. Very, very funny. Good job. Always amazing. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Gabe. Good job, dude. He's on Twitter at Gabriel Killian.

I like him. He just writes amazing one-liners. He's a fucking monster. You can just tell he likes to do it. I was always jealous of that. He's just, fuck. That side, fuck. One minute.

You know when you get that one minute a week, you're like, fuck. Until next week, fuck. How fast he tells jokes. One of those jokes was like 33% of his output. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You get that. But just keep doing it.

He's really funny. Super funny. No. You know how funny But just keep doing it. It's really funny. Super funny. No. You know how funny you have to be for us to tell you, oh, you're Armenian. You're still funny. Yeah, Tripoli's the only one, right? Oh, yeah, totally. Tripoli's absolutely the only one.

Yeah. All the rest of them are terrible. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. For all you one Armenian listeners out there. These motherfuckers. And that one listener is Gabriel Killian. He's standing up there listening.

Yeah. Anyway, Gabe's funny. That was good. I wish I was more racially ambiguous. Like there's no hiding it. There's just no, me and you are the same guy. No, I know, and I'm half Italian, but you can't really tell. Me too. But people hear...

I get that fucking shit joke from radio farts like we were talking about in the parking lot when guys are like, Santino, you look more like a McGillicuddy. What's that all about? It's about go fuck yourself. Get hit by a bus, you fucking moron. How did that happen? What are you talking about?

You know how people fuck? There were two different people that fucked. That's all that happened. There's no mystery. I didn't choose this look. You think this is what I picked out of the book? You think there was a book? Make it everything red. The whole fucking thing. Everything. What's that? Do I want to what?

Burn? Yeah, all the time. For sure. In the shade, I'd like to burn too. I'd like to spend my life in a golf cart, please the time. For sure. In the shade, I'd like to burn, too. I'd like to spend my life in a golf cart, please. Never walk a course. I will never not smell like sunscreen for the rest of my life. This is another funny guy from, I believe, the state of Montana. Put your hands together for Tyler Miznari. Hey, everybody.

I got an English degree. It wasn't my dream to get an English degree. I just kind of showed up to college, and they said, hey, you can do whatever you want. I said, I like reading. They're like, yeah, you can do that, whatever. What you guys don't know about getting an English degree, it's basically like joining a book club,

except that book club costs $40,000. That's what it's like. I'll tell you, a lot of people think I'm a grammar Nazi because I've got an English degree. I'm not. I hate grammar Nazis. They suck. I can tell you that everybody hates grammar

Nazis because they're the only subset of people that you can directly compare to Nazis and nobody corrects you. They're like, yeah, yeah, genocidal German maniacs and people that bitch that ain't is a word. Same kind of folks. I'll tell you that.

People always talk about German engineering and how awesome it is until I bring up genetics. Then they stop, then they stop. That's it for me. Thank you. Yes. One minute sharp. I like that. Grammar Nazi.

Yep. I like that one too. I like that a lot. That's good. But it makes me think like, would a regular Nazi, what would you say to another Nazi if he was correcting you all the time? Like if one Nazi was always correcting all the other Nazis, they couldn't be like, Grandma Nazi. They couldn't do that. Oh. Like if one Nazi was always correcting all the other Nazis,

they couldn't be like, Grandma Nazi. They couldn't do that. No. That's repetitive. But there probably was a department of grammar Nazis.

Yeah, like just like, make sure everyone's shit's right, please. Yeah, spell everything right. Every letter that goes out. Good for them for winning the World Cup. I just, I gotta be real.

I do love sports, but I just, I saw, I was like, all right, it'll happen. I'll watch it first. I don't know. I didn't, it doesn't wing me. Dude, anyone you can take a nap during and wake up and miss nothing. Nothing, yeah.

I took a 40-minute cat nap yesterday. Straight to minute 110. I was like, whoop, oh, missed nothing. Nothing happened. But my favorite thing about soccer is that they add time. I love seeing that, but it's Nothing happened. But my favorite thing about soccer is that they add time. I love seeing that, but it's so ambiguous. Yeah.

There is no, they're like, it's like asking a kid, when you're like, how much does a house cost? And they're like, $50? Yeah. And they don't know? That's the same thing when they're like, how much overage? And they're like, seven minutes? No one gives a fuck.

Yeah, he has no concept of time. None. Doesn't matter. He doesn't know. And they have one clock, minutes? No one gives a fuck. Yeah, he has no concept of time. None. Doesn't matter. He doesn't know. And they have one clock, that Hublot entrance clock. And that's it for the whole field. Otherwise, I don't know. It says three.

Three. Three minutes. That's amazing to me. Oh, are you really an English major? Yeah. Yeah. Where'd you go to school? Montana State.

Nice. Are you from Montana? Yep. Beautiful place. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. What'd you go to school? Montana State. Nice. Are you from Montana? Yep. Beautiful place. Yeah, it's good. What's Bozeman? Bozeman is where I went to college, yeah. Look at that. Do you guys know what Bozeman is? Yeah. I never heard of it. Well, not you, bro. That'd be fucking weird if you were like,

no, never heard of it. Went there. I don't know what it is. Bozeman's like the most popular spot to go to in Montana. Yeah, it's got really good skiing and fishing and basically everything in Montana. It's good white guy outdoor stuff. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It is. How was your football team at Bozeman? They were okay. Yeah. They were good after I left, actually. Oh, really? But they don't play Division I.

They play like the football championship series. Football championship. Oh, at the FCS. Yes, yes I left, actually. Oh, really? But they don't play Division I. They play like the football championship series. Football, oh, at the FCS. Yeah, FCS, FCS, FCS. FCS is like Buddy League, you know? It's like, who's in it? It's like, ah, buddies. It's a bunch of buddies. Yeah, kind of.

Buddy League, yeah. But they actually won the NCAA basketball tournament twice. What year? Montana State. Like in 1928. Back when they didn't let black people play basketball. They were called the Golden

Bobcats. And they helped develop the layup. Or not the layup, the fast break. Imagine the first Wicca that saw a black guy dunk, joking around, and was like, we can't let them play. You know what I mean? They'll ruin us forever.

They were like, Montana State's got to get out of the title. We can't let a Negro play. Why, Charles? I saw one dunk in an alleyway. Just listen to me. He touched the rim with his hands. Shut up. Imagine seeing that.

Is that where he just filled and called in the game? Yeah. He was born in fucking 1919 I know that old fuck like that guy is he is oh yeah

when someone's like who's old you're like Regis Regis Philbin he's a thousand years old yeah what a good anyway sorry

good funny stuff though thank you it's amazing that Bozeman has that credit for creating the fast break yeah it's weird. Imagine figuring that out, just realizing, oh, we can go the other direction fast.

Let's do that. That's so funny. It's unbelievable. How do they do that? That's a pretty bold statement to take that claim, like we invented the fast break. We're going to run. Also before black people were allowed to play. Right.

How fast was that fast break? The medium-paced break. Everything was before black people were allowed to play. Also, was that fast break? The medium-paced break. Everything was before black people were allowed to play. Also, women couldn't vote back then when you had your NCAA championship. The fact that cricket has tee time is exactly why they didn't let black people play.

We have tee time. Black people are like, no, no, no, we're going to win this and get it over with and go fuck your girlfriends. You go to a bigger school like Notre Dame and they have all those banners of all the years they won. We have two and they're like cloth because they're from 1920. They're hemp. They're like original

sewn hemp. They were back then I'm sure. You can see it? Can you touch them? No, they're like a pie. I feel like at a school like that you could take them. Do you know what I mean? Somebody would steal them and smoke them if they're made like that. Senior tradition. Just in a hallway.

I like that. What was the name of the school? Montana State? Montana State. Montana State. The Golden... That was the name of the team, but the regular is just Bobcats. Oh, Golden Bobcats, but then regular Bobcats for the rest of the school.

Yeah. No, just the guys that won the national championship were nicknamed the golden bobcats because of the fast brake. Got it, got it, got it, got it. Gold, fast, got it, got it, got it, got it. I always find it weird. You had a joke with German engineering. I always find that so interesting because Volkswagen uses that in their commercials, but yet if you go on consumerreports.com, they have the worst reliability like everything like all their ship yeah but aren't mercedes really great cars i don't i don't know anything about cars but yeah i know that they

are yeah they make a fantastic vehicle german engineer vehicles typically are very good so volvo's just going by the way we're all great engineers even the ones that don't get jobs in mercedes yeah yeah naturally aspirated engines man man. They're the JV Germany team. That got real deep there for a second. Yeah, sorry, guys. They're just good. I don't know. They're good.

They really are good at things, the Germans. You know what's not good? What? Nazis. Yeah. Yeah, not good people. I agree. What are things that really do set off your grammar Nazism? Like, what's something that happens quite a bit that we might understand that always bothers you?

Well, for me, I really am not a grammar Nazi at all. I took linguistic class and I'm just kind of... If I say something and you get what I'm saying, then language is successful. I'm not going to nitpick. I mean more like... I think you mean like text is when you would do it the most,

right? When someone texts you, are you like, hey man, it's there, not there. Right. I don't do any of that. Wow, you're not a Nazi. You're more like a grammar Jew. Like the complete opposite of a Nazi. What is that, where they just hold on to all of their language all the time? You can't have any of it.

26 letters, but for you? You get 19. All right, today, 20. Which one are you supposed to use when you're saying they're the ones I want to come over? T-H-E-I-R. Yep, that's what I thought. They are?

T-H-E-Y-R-E. Very good. Leave it to the autistic guy to nail it first. You're so stupid, Red Band. I would have written that down, sent it out. Thank you very much. If it's short for they are, then you substitute the apostrophe for the A.

Does Montana have a lot of Mormons? A little bit. Idaho has more. Yeah, Idaho has way more. Yeah, way more. But in Montana, your friends back home, how old are you? I'm 28. Are they pregnant and married and all that? Yeah. Because, right, what do you do in Montana?

Exactly. You fuck. You run out of shit to do. Right, and that's why you got out of there. Yeah. Do you have a kid back home? No. Do you have a girl back there?

I have a girl here. You have a girl here. Yeah. But do you have a girl back there was the question. No. No? Got it. Did you bring her with you?

I would keep a mountain bitch. I would keep a side mountain bitch. Oh, you brought a Montana girl. Oh, you brought her here. How does she like it out here? She likes it. What does she do? She does fashion stuff.

That's exactly how I describe my wife, too. She does fashion. I don't know what it is. She works on music videos. Cut to her wiping shit out of your kid's butt. She does fashion stuff. How long have you guys been here in LA? Almost two years.

Wow. How is she transitioning from being a Montana 10 to an LA 6? She's doing all right. Okay. You shouldn't have answered that question. You should have called your lawyer. What if she was a Montana 15? Ooh, that sounds like a new movie.

Babe, I made the podcast. You can't listen to it, though. The Montana 15. Yes, I made the podcast. You can't listen to it, though. The Montana 15. Yes, go on. Do tell. They lived in Montana. They had nothing but themselves. Gina Davis.

Wow. Michael Keaton. Go on. Old school. 1980s Golden Globes. Golden Streaks. Rated PG-13. I almost passed out

in the middle of that. 100%. I'm going to go see that movie. It's Gina Davis, Michael Keaton in Montana with just them and 13 other people. Michael Keaton lives in Bozeman. He does? He does.

How does Gina Davis pop in your mind? I don't know. I was looking for an actress. I almost said Glenn Karrose. Karrose? He does? He does. How does Geena Davis pop in your mind? I don't know. It's the first thing. I was looking for an actress. I almost said Glenn Colos. Colos? Glenn Colos. Glenn Colos?

No, I know I fucked up. I said Glenn Colos. You weren't even Colos to get in that one. What did you say? And Michael Keaton really lives there? He really lives in Bozeman, Montana. Best Batman, period. Best Batman, period. Yes.

I agree. 100% period Best Batman. Oh, no doubt about it. When I was a kid and I was like, what does Batman sound like? That's precisely what I thought he sounded like. Best Batman, period. Yes. I agree. 100% period Best Batman. When I was a kid and I was like, what does Batman sound like? That's precisely what I thought he sounded like.

He lives in Montana? Yeah, Bozeman. Wow. He currently lives there. Full time? Yeah. That's great. He just started

doing more movies and stuff. He's one of those guys that was doing stand-up here regularly, like super regularly. Yeah, he's got a neon. Yeah, he's one of the big neons. I know. Like the top ten. And he was doing stand-up here regularly. Yeah, he's got a neon. Yeah, one of the big neons.

I know. Like the top ten. And he was doing, from what I understand, this is from Argus, he was doing stand-up here regularly, just some young buck. Next thing you know, Tim Burton comes in one night, likes him.

Next thing, he's Beetlejuice. Goodbye. He never came back. What night was that? Right, exactly. Jesus Christ. That's unbelievable. He's got back. What night was that? Right, exactly. Jesus Christ. That's unbelievable. He's got one of those fun stories.

That's why everybody's here, by the way. Hoping that they'll be the next. Yeah. Hoping you'll be the next. He's not here tonight, guys. Tyler, thank you so much. Good job, man. Very funny.

Tyler Mez, did you change your Twitter handle? Oh, wow. Look at that. Tyler Mez, everybody. M-E-Z on Twitter. Good idea. And Gabriel Killian was K-I-L-L-I-A-N for those of you that are bad spellers trying to find Gabe on Twitter.

Searching frantically. Not being able to feed your cat because you're like, I need to find out how Killian spells Killian. Mittens, wait! Josh, you having fun now? You loosening up a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of cum on the speaker box? You haven't figured out the volume thing on that thing, have you?

No, it's the maximum volume. Yeah, I know. We know. We're getting it. I have the worst hair. Wow. How lucky. What a fun lineup the bucket gave us this evening. This guy, another very funny soul and person that hangs around the store a lot. Very funny, young, stoner, cool dude. Put your hands together for Kenny Lyon, everybody.

Oh, no, Kenny. Don't do it, Kenny. Kenny Lyon. Don't do it, Kenny. Wow. Oh, no, Kenny. Don't do it. Kenny Lyons. Don't do it, Kenny. Wow. Oh, no. We're about to kill Kenny. You know what that means.

Fucking Kenny. Oh, no. Oh. He was the Patriot last week. Oh. What a shame. It's embarrassing. Yep.

Absent Patriot. Well, he's one of those guys. What was his name? Kenny Lion. He did say he was a stoner. Chances are he's here. Yeah, to be fair. They don't go very far.

They're like stray dogs. They physically can't go very far. Let's see what happens now. Rich Slayton, everybody. Rich Slayton. Good guy. Funny.ayton, everybody. Rich Slayton. Good guy. Funny. Cool. Beard. He's got a beard.

Some people get angry if you joke about certain topics. But I think humor is the way to deal with tragedy. How else to deal with the fact that the Turkish government murdered one million Armenians. And yet there's still one million Armenians. And yet there's still so many Armenians.

Spartans had it right, man. You got to kill the weak. It's not a popular idea, killing the weak. A friend with cerebral palsy got angry at me. Hey, man, you think I should be killed? No, I don't. I think you should have been killed as a baby. That's it. That's good.

Fuck yeah. 44 seconds of pure funny hatred. I love that. I like all the hate. How long have you lived in LA, Rich? Seven years. So you know about the Armenians. Where are you from?

Sacramento. There's no Armenians up there. It's something you learn about when you get here. It's a harsh lesson. We had none in Ohio. Are there any in New York? Yes, there are. The second biggest area is a section in New York. They're there. I thought you just called them Italians. There are. There's one area. The second biggest area is in...

There's a section in New York. They're there. I thought you just called them Italians. Yeah, no. They're way more out here, though. There are. And way more hated out here. Yeah.

There's too many people to hate in New York. Yeah. Yeah. They're way more hated out here. Are they mostly cab drivers in New York? I don't know about cabs. Do you know why there's so many Armenians in LA? Do you know the story? There was a mayor of

Glendale that was Armenian at the time and he told all his Armenian friends back home, just like, move out here. I'm the mayor of the city here in Los Angeles. And that year, like, just boatloads of them. What happens with citizenship and stuff like that? Like, buddy, buddy,

I'm the mayor. You know, you just come. What are they going to do? Check everybody's papers? What happens with citizenship and stuff like that? Buddy, buddy. They pay their way. You just come. What are they going to do? Check everybody's papers? Yeah. Jesus. That's so funny. Imagine if you told all your friends to come move here.

Can you imagine living in Glendale the year before and buying a new house? Look, I know you came in because your windshield wiper broke and you need new transmission. You need new engine. You need new engine. You need new tires. I check your brake. It's very bad. I can't even let you drive out of here without $7,000. They are really interesting cars.

Garbage people. Gabe is what we call the exception to the rule when it comes to the Armenians. Sam Tripoli. And Tripoli. Oh, yes, of course. I still can't believe Tripoli's even Armenian, though. Did you ever do that benefit? That's crazy.

I've done that benefit, and they thought I was Armenian because they announced me as Steve Azizi. And I went out, and everyone was going crazy. I was like, whoa. That's hilarious. Is that true? Yes, Steve Azizi. Whoever the host was was like,

I'm going to do Steve a solid on this one. You would have thought Chris Rock walked out there. I crushed, too. They were like, you're Armenian? I was like, no. What? You're our new favorite Armenian comedian. No.

Somewhere a little Armenian boy named Steve is easy is having such a tough time growing in comedy because of you. I'm Steve is easy. So, Rich, what's your history with Armenians? Nothing is just a joke. I do jujitsu

and they choke me a lot, so I guess there's some anger. Jujitsu is like karate but tough. Isn't that a good way to say it? It's also more grappling and rolling around than like strike. It's a great way to be hurt a lot. But you do strike though.

It's like wrestling more. Sort of. Cool, like wrestling but tough. Yeah. Than wrestling. Well, they're both, they're sort of like, it all depends on like what you consider tough. It's a way to get choked by guys with bad tattoos. Can you kick somebody? No. Can you punch

them? No. You should start. Yeah. I think that's cool. How long have you been doing jiu-jitsu? Off and on five years. I'm doing Muay Thai now though. I switched. Can you kick and punch in the head? Yes. Very much. Keep doing that one. Oh yeah. No, it's good. That one sounds more fun. Now, Meyerowitz, you said yeah when he said Muay Thai.

Did that excite you because you think he's talking about the food? It's good food. No, martial arts Muay Thai kickboxing is awesome and fucking brutal. Yeah. Motherfuckers kick trees. Haven't you seen kickboxing with Jean-Claude Van Damme? Fuck, yeah. I watched Bloodsport the other day.

I forgot about that movie. Oh, Kumite, motherfucker. Do you write, is that your style? Short, hatred, one-liner? No, it's actually kind of new. I used to be really high energy, and then just got to go older. This is what's happening now? This is what's happening now.

Good. So, yeah, just lots of hate. Yeah. You know, married. I get it. Yeah. You know, married. I get it. Yeah. You have kids? Comes easier.

Say again? You guys have kids? No. How long have you been married? Two and a half years. Steve, what do you got to tell them? Take your time, buddy. Yeah.

Enjoy your bodies. We're at the end of negotiations, so. Enjoy your bodies. It's not a negotiation. Freeze your baby now, then have it later. Oh, if only. Right. Well. How does that conversation happen?

Freeze it? You want to freeze it? Freeze your baby? Freeze it for later? What do you mean, freeze it? You could freeze the baby before it's delivered, and then put it back in you, and then deliver it later. I'm sorry, Dr. Red Band.

What did you just say? I've had two babies. You've killed six. And you're going to tell me that now all of a sudden you can freeze a baby? Yeah. What are you talking about? I think that's called murder. If I got my wife pregnant, I can go hit the pause button?

Right. Freeze it in? They take it out. They clip the cord, and then they attach the cord later. This is true. Yeah. Thank God. I'm like,

Science with Brian. Jesus. But they can, you can have the baby, Steve, and then sell it. Yeah. That would be great merch for you, though. You know, darn,

every baby I had, Darnell Valentine, a.k.a. Rick Ingrams, always tried to negotiate a deal for me to sell that baby. Sell the baby. Steve, we can get, we can get,

the younger that baby is, the more money we get for that baby on the flag market. People will probably fall for that the younger that baby is, the more money we get for that baby on the flag market. People will probably fall for that, Brian, if you just start selling it. I just did,

because I was like, because I know you hang out with Rogan, and there's probably a podcast you guys did about freezing babies somewhere, and, you know, Callan's going off about it,

and you guys looked it up, and you found one article that people froze babies. I could see the commercial for this. I could see a market. Brian, baby freezer. I'll make a movie.

Hey, you ever get a girl pregnant? Too good to abort, but not good enough to have it yet? Hit the pause button. Yeah, you ever get a baby? You ever sperm inside your girl, and then all of a sudden you're like, wait, I think I'm having a baby. Freeze the baby. Get one free baby from Onnit.com. That's right.

I like my baby Cool Ranch. How many people would freeze the baby and then later on still kill it? You're like, you know what? After a while,

still don't want it. Didn't want it. Can we get rid of it still? What's the return policy on this frozen business? I like how when he was like, yeah,

they cut the cord and then they reattach it. You're like, what? That's how I'm they reattach it. You were like, what? That's how I'm like, wait a minute. How? You know what? Hold on. Science. I've had a long day in one joint, but I'll tell you right now, that sounds awesome. I'm into it.

It's great, right? How many deliveries today, Tom? Four, and then a couple Frozies. A couple Frozies. A couple Popsicles. The best is how confidently you don't understand science. Well, she's here to freeze the baby, Alice, and we don't have the freezing supplies. What a great couples fight

on the day of the frozen of their baby. How long before in the frozen baby business before it's just handed down to peons to do it and it gets all fucked up? You just start freezing? They're using the babies as ice cubes for like the future. Perfect.

It's like the comedy break. And scene. That was great. The emergency break of comedy. Just fucking rip it up. Was it really bad? No, no. It was fine. It was great. Much love. Rich, we love you. Great job. Thank you, guys. He's on Twitter at MMA Comic.

Yeah, it's a bad name. You're the MMA Comic, huh? It's an awful handle. Wow. It exists. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thank you. You're so tough.

Good job, Josh. He's at MMA Comic. Were you at the show on Saturday? Holy shit, this guy's a fucking trooper, man. Australia, right? Yeah. Saturday Main Room? Yeah, Saturday Main Room.

They sat through Brody's hour and a half. Oh, so you guys saw all of us. Oh, boy. The meltdown, then the build back up. Yeah, they sat on the side of this stage. It was like watching the Iraqi war in slow motion. It was just a disaster at the beginning, and then the rebuild process,

and then he almost went off the deep end at the end. When you go back, what will you say to them about this place? What will you tell them? The others. You'll say, it's all right. I spent my entire vacation there, but it's all right. I love it.

We get a lot of Australians here. I don't know who's doing the press over in Australia for this. Huge podcast community over in Australia, right? Is that how you found all this? Are you saying fans? Fans, yeah, yeah. Like the podcast fans.

Yeah, so that's how you found out about all this? Yeah. Yeah. I signed up for the show. I told Mark Merritt. I wanted to see Tony. I didn't know he was going to make it. Boom.

Wow. Oh, yeah. Somebody give this guy 20 bucks for me. Yeah. You're a good-looking dude. Is this your girlfriend? Brody was saying the same thing. Girlfriend?

Yeah. He's Australian. Good-looking. Expendable money. Look, he doesn't care about how long this trip's taking. Yeah. He's got good arms, too. He's got great arms.

Great hair. Great hair. He only conditions once a week. I remember all these things about him. A lot of people say that I have the best-looking fans in the world. Honestly, though, look at this guy. If I wore sunglasses on my shirt far after when the sun wasn't around, I would get made fun of forever.

This guy looks so fucking cool with those. And by the way, beyond him, the rest of this room looks like gargoyles, okay? That's true. I should have said I have best looking fan in the world. Yeah. I have best looking fan. Anyway, man, you're great. What's your name?

Fucking cool name, too. Do you build your own furniture? What do you do there in Australia? Work with your hands in some capacity? You fucking asshole. What do you do? No, no, no. I should say, what do you own? What do you own back there?

How big's your boat? How big are your boats? Are you really? Really? You're on a one-month vacation to Los Angeles right now. Where are you staying? In a hotel? The Ritz.

I performed there last night. That's how good-looking this guy guy is He brought a chick with him He's like oh by the way we're staying at a hostel And she doesn't have no qualms about it Doesn't care Sweet Dick Reese With that beautiful hair Sweet Dick Reese

Who'd you go to LA with Oh me Sweet Dick Reese Sheila who'd you go to LA with Sweet Dick Reese He Sheila, who'd you go to LA with? Sweet Dick Reese. I'm Sweet Dick Reese. You fucking, he's the best. How long have you guys been together? Two years.

You and Sweet Dick Reese. What's your name? Romany? Wow, that's some Game of Thrones shit. Yes. I'm Romany, a.k.a. she's gonna be around for another eight episodes. You see Romany's tits

this week on GOT? So sick. She's gonna be here. Do you know how to use a bow and arrow? R-O-M-A-N-Y. Romani. Dude, do you remember

when Romani used to get fucking naked on Game of Thrones and now she doesn't even fucking, she's too good to take her pussy out? Come on. What the fuck, man? I don't know the last name

or the first name. God damn it, man? I don't know her last name or her first name. God damn it, man. Speaking of awesome females on hit shows, to close out every episode of Kill Tony, we have two regulars that come on and they are both very awesome. They've been writing a new minute each week for over a year and let's

do it again, shall we? Going up first tonight. Very, very funny girl. She dropped out of the University of Florida when she did her first spot here on Kill Tony and she's been here every Monday with us since. The legend killer, the amazing, the dropout, the gator. Put your hands together for the great Kimberly Congdon.

Everybody. He got a.32 gun in his pocket for fun. He got a razor in his shoe. Hey guys. What's up? Hey. When I first moved to LA, I started dating a guy that I was really into, but he turned

out to be bisexual, which is kind of disappointing, because it's something that I think you'd talk about, you know, when you're really dating someone. You know when girls are drinking, and then they come home late at night. I'd come home, and I'd be like, babe, I really feel like going down on my man tonight. And he's like, me too. It's just like, it's not what I'm looking for. I can't date

someone who's bisexual because I'm a jealous person. Then I have to worry about him getting with women and AIDS. It's like too much. It's not anything to do with the gay guys. It's the black women. I know.

I know, but everyone doesn't get offended about the gay people. That's so fucked up. Happens every time. There you go. That's a minute. Fuck yeah. Alright. That's interesting stuff. Yeah. I almost feel like, A, I should take

myself out of this conversation because this woman has probably written more jokes in the last year than I have in probably 10. So she does this once a week, every week for 52 weeks? Yeah. Well, if that's the worst week, you're doing okay. Thank you. But it was pretty bad this week.

It was. I mean, I'm just here for this week was not great. But you do it every week? I mean, yeah, you wrote a fucking another minute this week. That's all right. It's not great, but you do it every week? I mean, yeah. You wrote a fucking another minute this week. Yeah. So is your ex-boyfriend really bi? No.

Just going with the fiction. Yeah. Interesting. Sometimes I let my life inspire and I just exaggerate from it. Yeah. No, I get that. I do that. Everything I've ever done

has been completely, 100% true. You don't get the nickname Exagger-easy. Exagger-easy. You know what? You took an L this week, but fuck it.

That's how I look at it. You know? Who gives a shit? I was gonna talk about my mom this week but I didn't and I should have gone let's hear it right now because this one's too well I was gonna talk about how she she came here to visit from Florida and she's super cheap and uh she didn't want to she didn't want to pay for the Hollywood tour bus so she just wants to follow it with the windows down. That's hilarious. That's way funnier. Can I say something about what you did? I mean, the black girl thing was just for shock, right?

Yeah, that was rude. And it's rude, but you know what? It's like it's just to save the other joke, which didn't go great, and then you can blame it on that when people... So that's what that happened. The mom shit was funny. Yeah, the mom shit. She wanted to do it.

Yeah, that's a minute right there. Is your mom Jewish? No. Her tendencies are. She's funny. That's a minute right there. Is your mom Jewish? No. Her tendencies are. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Whenever someone,

like, whenever I meet someone that is fresh into the comedy or entertainment business and I'm always like, are you Jewish? And they're like,

no. And I'm always like, good luck. Good like, no. And I'm always like, good luck. Good luck, man. How far is Omaha from here? It's impossible. I don't know how... Especially being German.

German's hard. Yeah, that's got to be impossible. You just have to change your last name and be some dead mouse guy. Because Hollywood is... It's Jewish. I'm trying to think of more things your mom could do when she comes to LA

that she's not going to pay for. That's what I'm thinking about. Sorry. Because that's a whole minute right there by the way. Your mom's a cheap Jew. She can't pay for it. No, she's not Jewish. She's got Jewish tendencies. That's it. No, she's not Jewish. She's got Jewish tendencies. That's it.

Yeah, what other, instead of the Hollywood Museum, the wax museum, maybe you could just say, just go to a plastic surgeon's office and sit there. Sit outside of it. Yeah, that's true. That's true. What's another thing that people do? Like go to a restaurant and just eat the bread and leave or something.

Yeah, that's smart. Pink's hot dog, but you're just getting water. Just wait in the line, never buy a hot dog? Yeah, never buy a hot dog. Dude, I had to fucking do that. My first time there, I waited in the whole line. Really? I've never even had a Pink's hot dog.

My first month in LA. Of course, I never did it again. And I got up there, and the guy, I ordered, and it was like, whatever, cash only. Yeah. He was like, fuck you forever. Put a sign at the end of the line. Right.

How would I know that? He's like, look behind me. Like, behind you, inside the, never again. I'll burn that place to the ground. I want to get rich so I can buy it, and then just burn it one night. I agree. Burn it.

Kim, thank you. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Good job. Always fun. Your other regular is a regular. She just did Dysentery last night. She's a regular on Kill Tony. Always goofy. Put your hands together for the great Sarah Wineshank.

I'd save every day. Hi. I wanted to go camping, but I don't like the outdoors, so I decided to make s'mores over my stove. I look like a moron, a grown woman with a skewer and a marshmallow. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, just smiling

over the stove with this half s'more. Then it hit me that I was just ingesting butane. I was ingesting butane and gasoline from my stove. I don't even like burnt marshmallows, but I'm not skilled

enough to not burn the marshmallows. So I just eat them charred. I feel like s'mores are just so fucking lazy. It's like, why not just spell out the whole word? It's like, you know what? Fuck those 26 letters in the alphabet. Let's just throw up an apostrophe.

And it's just like, what? You want to bake, but you're what you want to bake but you're not precise enough you're too lazy so you're just going to ignite some desserts okay fuck yeah the uh the s'more route

s'more route we've covered a lot of foods with you over all these episodes yeah usually it's weirder foods. And here we are on s'mores now, which is a graham cracker, a burnt marshmallow, and chocolate. In case anybody listening is a fucking moron and you don't know what a s'more is, that's what it is. Imagine someone at home is like, what is this s'more? I don't even know. How often do you have a s'more?

You don't know what a s'more is? Oh, shit. All right. Well, I bet you guys call it something funny like a tickle-a-do or something. Ah, it's just a tickle-a-do. Oh, a tickle-a-do. That's a wampi waina. A tickle-a-do.

A wampi waina. You've got wampi wainas. It's graham cracker, and then you take a marshmallow and put it on a stick. You roast it over a fire. It's usually when we camp, and then you put it... Chocolate. Chocolate. Smush it together. Smush it together. It heats it up, kind of makes it like a little sandwich.

This is hilarious. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. What is this gentleman yelling? Peanut butter. Peanut butter in what world, my friend? Yeah. Is this s'more? It's not peanut butter. 100% never has it ever been peanut butter. It's never been peanut butter. What are you talking about? No, no. We're in America, sir.

America. It's chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker. Wasn't s'mores originally created to... You can dip it into peanut butter if you like. Sure. But don't put that shit in the middle of it. No, you communist. Don't decide for everybody that they like peanut butter.

Wasn't it s'mores originally created to give to Cub Scouts so they will keep a secret? I don't know. I looked it up on Wikipedia. I didn't see that. That's funny though, Brian. That's real. Another one of Brian's lives. I was in the Cub Scouts, Brian. I just got it.

Then they fucked me and gave me s'mores. Where were you with this information when I was eight? I like the s'more shit. Oh, Christ. This guy's going insane back here. Hey, listen. This guy's so offended

they were turning down his peanut butter. No, you can dip it into the peanut butter. I don't mind that. And I'll try it. And then I'll throw it into the fucking woods. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You guys keep talking to this guy. I'll be alive tomorrow. This guy will be stabbing you in the parking lot like,

peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter, Steve. What the fuck, man? No, fuck you. I agree with peanut butter guy. Thank you, Andrew. Peanut butter. I'll eat the fucking peanut butter, man. Stop stabbing me. He likes s'mores a little too much. This summer.

This summer. It's the Montana 16. The new. I like the s'mores. S'mores was fun. S'mores at your house. A butane stove Am I off Butane

Cause I'm like Is it considered butane If it's from the stove Or is it just gasoline It's butane Because it's It's also in E-pens

Like those The G-pens Got a little bit of butane But the stove is gas I should have said gas Yeah You're still right anyway I said gas and butane both

You're right To cover my bases Did you really do this? No, but I have. Actually, I have done it. I've made s'mores, but not recently. But like two months ago, I just wanted to burn marshmallows. That's cute.

I like that. So I just lit it up, you know? It's hard not to burn them, even on a campfire. Yeah. They just go off. Microwave's better. It's sugar. Microwave?

Yeah, just microwave it. That's like how you get like cancer. No. Yeah, like a microwave marshmallow. You sound like how you get cancer. No. Yeah, like a microwave marshmallow. You sound like old people from the 70s. Wait a minute. Are you telling me when I cook popcorn I'm not supposed to listen to it when it pops? Imagine some idiot pressing

his head against a microwave like, yeah, they're popping. Thank you so much, Sarah. I push the numbers with my dickhead. You guys don't do that? That's how I set the timer and everything. The great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. S-H-E-N-K. Her and Kimberly Congdon, both going to be in San Diego next week at Comic-Con,

both going to be at the LA Podfest at the end of September. Guys, that's Kill Tony 60, everybody. Thank you so much, Joshua Meyerowitz. You're at Autistic Thunder on Twitter. How about you guys? Anything coming up that you want to set squad fans at? Thank you so much, Joshua Meyerowitz. You're at Autistic Thunder on Twitter. Thank you. How about you guys? Anything coming up that you want to... that squad fans at?

They come all the way from fucking Australia. Oh, yeah. That's amazing. No. Watch the league this year. Awesome. FXX. FXX, yeah.

Yeah, no, not for me. Watch the league. At Steve Rantazizi, too, on Twitter. Steve Rantazizi. And at Chido Santino, right? At Chido Santino on Twitter. C-H-E-T-O Santino. All right.

Live audience, thank you so much. Thanks, guys. Josh Meyerowitz, got him, at Autistic Thunder. Thank you so much, buddy. At Josh Martin Comic.

Thanks, everybody. Get beyond this stupid pride But you can see the real me inside And I'm satisfied Oh no Oh Even though the gods are crazy Even though the stars are blind

If you show me real love, baby I'll show you mine