KILL TONY - KILL TONY #61

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

SINBAD, Jeff Garlin, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Willie/Willie Hunter, Brian Redban – Date: 07/21/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. This is the week, this weekend, me and Sam Tripoli are bringing Death Squad down to Florida for its first time this Friday, Tampa, Florida. We're going to be at Crow Bar. Now we pushed the date or the time back on it. We're now starting the show at 1030 so that all those people that are going to the comedy festival down the street can come to this afterwards. We might have some secret guests. You never know.

That comedy fest, we got a lot of friends there. It's only five miles away. So Crowbar might be crazy Friday night. So the show starts now at 10.30, Tampa, and followed bysonville saturday august 9th we'll be at underbelly and then sunday we're gonna be in orlando august 10th at will's pub all these tickets can be found at death squad dot tv just click on tour dates for all the links also velvet jones august 16th in santa barbara're going to be there with Sam Tripley and Ryan Sickler. Get all the tickets at Death Squad.

Also, check out the new Death Squad store, shopsquad.tv. And here's a little last call. We are almost sold out on the hoodies and the purple itchy shirt. Also, if you want the Death Squad flask, there's only five left as of this recording. So if you want any of this limited edition Death Squad merchandise, now's your chance. Go to shop squad dot TV. All right, guys, this is one of the best Kill Tony's we've had in a long time. Can't believe the guest that's on this episode. Here's a very awesome episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous

Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony! It's Clint! Yeah! Wowzers! Boy, oh boy, am I excited to be here, guys. It's episode 61 of Kill Tony, everybody! Fuck yeah!

How exciting. I'm super, super happy with today's episode. Oh, wow. We're going to get to that in just a moment. Put your hands together for our new sponsor, everybody. It's Bert Kreischer, our friend. He has a book called Life of the Party, Stories of a Perpetual Man-Child. The Machine, Bert Kreischer.

The book is available now. That's right. It actually seems like a real sponsor. You can go straight to Bert Kreischer's website and get that. You know what's interesting is that he wrote and released this book. It's a good friend of ours. And he did an audio version of the book. And because he's really well-known from doing podcasts, his audio version almost like triple-selled the book.

That's amazing. Yeah, no one's buying books anymore, right? But he could probably sell the audio for book price, right? Probably. Probably more. That's brilliant. Yeah. Guys, I am so happy you're here.

This is going to be a crazy Monday night. I promise you that. And we have the L.A. Podfest coming up. We just found out that Kill Tony is returning to the L.A. Podfest, everybody, for its second year in a row. We're back. We did it again. We did it last year with the great Doug Benson and Mark Maron on the panel. Had a blast.

And we're coming back with two mega guests this year. And we're planning something really crazy this year. I don't know if we've even discussed it fully with each other. But there's a big surprise this year. So get your tickets. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Just click on Tour Dates and you'll see it there.

Kill Tony will be there. But there's a Kill Tony here now, everybody. So let's jump into it. Every week we have a head of security that keeps us safe. It originally was a man in a $5,000 Iron Patriot suit. He was an insane guy with a great, great personality and many crazy stories about his life. And he was originally just supposed to be set decoration, but then we let him talk one night, and it turned out that he was hilarious.

And then, after 30 episodes, he quit the show because he said he got too big for the show. And now, please check out his YouTube page for some of the most creepiest pre-kills YouTube videos you'll ever see. He also went from 4,000 Twitter followers to 3,000 Twitter followers after leaving the show.

It's even less than that. In a historical movie. Yeah, it's much less, but I don't, well, so. But so to show him how replaceable he was, we literally replace him each week with a new type

of Iron Patriot, and this week is no different. Put your hands together for Iron Willie Hunter, everybody. Willie's going to be keeping us safe. Iron Willie is a very special type of Iron Patriot because not only is he one of our favorite Afro sporting patriots. Oh, okay, good. I bet he's going to go somewhere else there. Which really stands out with the helmet.

Nothing goes better with that helmet than a good Afro. It's very progressive. And he's also one of the few patriots that does a mean Barack Obama impression. And how much more patriotic does it get than the President of the United States? It feels pretty good. Thank you very much, Mr. Hinchcliffe. Thank you, Mr. President. And it's such a pleasure to be with you.

You've been on the show before. I have, yes. You excited about tonight's show? The last time I was here, you had the whole Eric Allegria debacle thing. Oh, the meltdown. The meltdown. I was here for that one. If you don't know, this show goes deep inside the root of stand-up comedy by showing you some stand-up comedians that are just getting their start.

And me and the panel here, we talk to the comedians after their one-minute-long sets. talk to the comedians after their one-minute-long sets. And what he's talking about is what we call the meltdown heard around the world because it's a podcast that you can download literally from anywhere around the world. But this guy actually was the only comedian to ever bail out of that exit door, that emergency exit behind the stage. He was having such a rough time that he literally just ran away. Such an awkward episode. So who knows? Something like

that could happen tonight. Patriot, are you excited about this? I'm very excited. The guest you have is insane. This is insane. Shall we do it, ladies and gentlemen? Are you ready to meet tonight's panel? Come on, people. You can do fucking better than that.

And you can do better than that, too. Come on, Monday night! Ladies and gentlemen, in a maneuver I can't believe I'm about to say these words. Put your hands together for my guests tonight, Jeff Garland and Sinbad!

Yeah! I am so excited to have you guys here. I was trying to figure out when we were hanging out back there what this was. So he's like your co-host. Yes, yes. He's more tactical. It's like a whole beautiful setup. He runs the iPad. He runs the iPad.

That's right. DJ iPad. The Patriot's going to keep us safe. You ever have anything like that next to the stage while you're doing something? Oh, I was young. I dated a girl. She's just dressed like that next to the stage while you're doing something? I was young. I dated a girl. She's just dressed like that. I used to love

Iron Man comics. Come on. Before they changed. They jacked up all comics. Everybody's dark. If this was a comic book podcast, I could just go off. And everyone who collects comics would know the exact moment. Every two weeks, biweekly, sometimes just monthly, you go get your comics.

Your friends, you would share them. Don't bend it. Don't roll them up. And you read your comics. Yeah, you're right. And they were joyful, man. I mean, they were like, and you got emotionally attached to the characters. Did you guys end up selling your comic book collection?

No, I still have a lot of my comics. My comics were in plastic. That's what they're supposed to be. Original Spider-Man, original Superman, but we didn't look at them that way. It wasn't original Spider-Man, it was just Spider-Man. You bought it, you had it. There weren't nine Spider-Man titles. No, and it wasn't Bizarro Spider-Man and Venom and this Spider-Man who's jacked up and lost Spider-Man.

So you didn't even know what you had when you had it. Didn't know, man. 70s, we just lived. I kept it. My favorite, Silver Surfer. I have all my original Silver Surfer. Someone's got to do that. And someone's got to do Prince Namor.

Someone? No, you know what someone's got to do? Stop making fucking comic book movies. Thank you. That's what someone's got to do. Because they ruin every single one. I mean, Christopher Nolan's a great filmmaker, so I enjoyed those.

But none of them need to be made. If you're going to do it, follow the comic book. Follow. Read the damn book. Read the damn comic book. Then make the movie. Yeah, they're about to do Fantastic Four, and it's nothing like the Fantastic Four. Thor's now a woman, they just announced.

The new Thor's a woman. But that's Marvel trying to sell books. You know, this character's that. Iron Man's black. The new Iron Man's black because that's because of racism and slavery. And Captain America. Captain America's now black. Captain America can't be black because that's too political.

Look, I'll take everybody else. With the Falcon. The Falcon, I'll take everybody else. What's the Falcon? The Falcon, yes. That's right. That's right. Now Captain America. That's right. That's right.

Speaking of black superheroes, this is the part of the show where our weekly patriot always asks the guests a question. Willie, what do you got for us? I guess my first question is for you, Sinbad. How are you? Yes. All right. You've been doing comedy.

I heard you're backstage since 83. I haven't been backstage. I haven't been to the belly room since like 83, 84. Wow. Welcome home. This is all the women comics. This is where sex is held. But this room was originally built for women comedians. Yes.

Yeah. Because they weren't good enough to be with men because only men are so damn funny. Oh, man. That's how they did it back that was implied my question is uh you've been doing it for a while you've relatively a clean comic you do no vulgarities i have one big question can we have one night of dirty sinbad yes the filthiest material you can because sinbad after dark i was a dirty comic when i started people don't realize i was dirty when i got started. But the problem was I was in Chicago at the Comedy Cottage

and we all... You know I played there for years. I played there for years on River Road. You know what I'm talking about, right? But we all sounded like bad Richard Pryor. We sounded like bad Richard Pryor. Hey, even I sounded like when I started a bad

Richard Pryor. I imitated two people when I started. Bill Murray, who wasn't a stand-up, but I started a bad Richard Pryor. I imitated two people when I started. Bill Murray, who wasn't a stand-up, but I would do monologues from Stripes. And I was a bad, I did. Lee Harvey, you are a madman. But I was a bad, I mean, Pryor was the one you aimed for. And I wanted to be him. Yeah.

And I was, that night my dad, my dad was a preacher, showed up. I said, well, I'm going to clean it up just a little bit, and I cleaned it up. I got just as many laughs, more laughs. I could talk about everything, and everybody thought I was cussing. Now, I didn't realize when I got to Hollywood, they were going to put me in a box like, oh, man, he's not controversial. He's a family man. He's all

American. I said, look, I've been kicked out of every institution I've ever been in. I said, I haven't fit in anywhere, and because I didn't cuss as a comic, they punked me. I said, look, I've been kicked out of every institution I've ever been in. I said, I haven't fit in anywhere. And because I didn't, because it's a comic, they punked me. But I'm like this. If we're in the alley, you want to fight me or Chris Rock? I think I would take Chris Rock. Thank you.

And by the way, speaking of Chris Rock, and Chris Rock knows this, which is that of the two, clean is way harder. You have to be way funnier to work clean. And a lot of people work dirty because they can't – they're not that funny, you know. And it's not that – that's just – no, no, no. That's just the reality.

And you know what I've done? And I like dirty comics. I like funny. By the way, Richard Pryor is our favorite. We were just the reality. And I like dirty comics. I like funny. By the way, Richard Pryor is our favorite. We were just saying that. See, Rich is a genius, man. And you can't use. But Richard could have worked clean.

He did work clean. I know. Early on he was cows, but he was just like cows when he started. Yeah. No, so it's not a matter of funny or not funny. And what I'll do, and I've told you to do this before, which is choose periods of time to only

work clean. Then other times, just do whatever you want. But if you do three months, six months of just working clean, it's only going to make you a better guy. You'll write a better joke. Yeah, better everything. So your punchline won't be like, shit. And that's your punchline. And by the way, a lot of dudes shit at the punchline will be like, shit. And that's your punchline.

And by the way, a lot of dudes, shit is a punchline. That's the punchline, man. Talk for 20 minutes. Now, Jeff, my question for you, you've done so many things. You've wrote stuff, you've directed stuff, you've produced stuff, you've acted in stuff. Is there anything you haven't done yet that you want to do in comedy? In comedy is the key part. Because in my life there's lots of things I like

to do on a regular basis. Comedically, no. I just want to keep doing what I'm doing. So I'm good. Have you ever worked with Sinbad? No. We have not. We have not. We were hopefully going

to this past year. I've been having a comedy festival with Michael Moore and Traverse City, Michigan. And Sinbad did it this year and I couldn't make it because I was filming the Goldbergs. I wasn't filming anything so I was able to make it.

I wasn't filming nothing. But we have never, we've met before but but we've, I mean, casually, truly casually, never have gigged before. This is amazing. We work similar, which is crazy. That's why I love Curb, the enthusiasm. This man, dude, Curb was genius, man. Well, thank you. Hopefully we're going to do more.

Genius. So between the two of you, let me get it right. It's 32 years and 30 years. Yes. I started at 83. I started in 82. My 20th birthday. I was born in 84.

So it's an honor to have you guys on my show. What do you say we get this thing started, everybody? Let's get it started. I've explained to you guys, the audience pretty much knows, comedians all signed up for the chance to get to do one minute on this stage. By the way, I just want to say

I am so completely unsettled by the premise of this show. I've always hated Star Search. I made myself. No, I didn't. But I did it to make the money. We didn't do Star Search. Hey, hey, I made myself. No, you did. No, I didn't. You did.

But I did it to make the money. Look, we didn't do Star Search to win. Wait, you did it season one. I did season two. Two, okay. Season two. I remember that. I still fucking hated it.

Okay, I remember when you were- All comedy competitions suck. They suck. I totally agree with you guys. But especially when it's short. Yes. This is not a competition. Yeah, but when you gotta do a minute, it's embarrassing.

But go ahead. It's literally. A minute is embarrassing. But go ahead. Two minutes. Two minutes to try to take two minutes out your routine? Yeah. Dude, singers can sing a whole song.

That's a whole song. And then they go to the comic. Do two minutes. Dude, that's the premise. I'm just setting the premise up. So you got to just come out and say, shit. You got to just. By the way, you know what would have been a funny thing to So you gotta just come out and say, shit. You gotta just... By the way,

you know what would've been a funny thing to do? Start right there, man. Now, you won, or you came in second? I came in second place to John Casillo. I won ten times. I thought I won. I was reaching for the check. And they said, John Casillo, I had to turn to a handshake on national TV, man. No, but you could've pulled it off

by setting up your premise and then just saying, all right, vote me in. You can hear the rest of it next week. Oh, dude, I didn't think about that. Yeah, I know. But you could have pulled that off, not the fuckers.

But this isn't a competition. Everybody's a winner on Kill Tony. We just talked to them afterwards. Everybody's happy to be on a... Is this the fall on when you die? Is this the... When you tell a bad... Just kill your gut yourself?

I've always been afraid that somebody might do something crazy. Some comic might. That's why I keep safe with the Iron Willy hunter here. Comedians, you know that you've done a minute when you hear the sound of a kitty. Oh, you can barely hear it. You can barely hear that, but that's the way you want it. Listen to it again. Where's that kitty at, Brian?

Come on. Oh, come on, man. You got a pit bull or something. And you got to wrap it up at the kitty. Don't run the light or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You hear that? You got it. You got the wrong sound effect for the angry West Hollywood bear.

What do you mean you don't find me attractive? I'm big and I'm hairy. I'm a West Hollywood bear. What do you mean you don't find me attractive? I'm big and I'm hairy. I'm a West Hollywood bear. That's a West Hollywood bear. We're going to take that snippet from this podcast and that's going to be the new angry West Hollywood bear. That's what people seem to do with me. That's a West Hollywood bear.

I worked with John Waters and he taught me what a bear was. He goes, you'd be big in the bear community. Oh, that was real? Yeah. Bears in the gay community are big. I'm not that hairy, actually, but our big, hairy guys are bears. That's God.

Yeah, I know. So a big, angry, hollywether bear. So this dude kept calling me, what's up, bear? I thought that was like a term in deer, man. I didn't know he was hitting on me, man. Bring your pants on? Man. Yeah, so there you go.

I didn't know that, bro. No, it's a real thing. I'm glad you told me. Shaving all this hair off. By the way, by the way, it's good to know. Hey, you need to know. I like knowing things. You need to know stuff, man.

I don't like participating, but I like knowing. So I'm not big in the gay, well actually I am big in the gay community. Because I'm the only straight friend my wife has. Really? Yeah, my wife is, she's the belle of the gay ball. So you had to learn that face, like you were cool. No, no, no. Either you're comfortable in a completely gay environment,

or you're not. And I'm totally cool with it, because I'm confident in my... I'm not confident. You're confident in manhood? Well, I am. You're from Chicago, man. I'm from Chicago. Come on, man. Try to be like, he lives in Atlanta. You got a battle. By the way, I have to say, though, if I was in a room

full of the bear community, I might be a bit nervous. Especially if they weren't wearing their shirts and cheering me. I mean, there'd be no hate coming from me but I would be maybe unsettled have you been in a community where women who have hairy breasts

what the fuck are you talking about where is this city located what community is this I was thinking about the bear community I'm trying to give love to everybody the hairy breasts I kick their all the time when I come to town

they shave their breasts in honor of me you guys ready to watch your first comedian tonight ladies and gentlemen going up first performing a minute now where are these people they're all around the back some of them did. Okay.

Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Maurice Spears. What's up? How y'all guys doing? I feel like it's an insult if someone says have heart. Because if someone says you have heart, that means you're getting your ass kicked. That means you're losing really bad. You know that kid in school who's getting beat up, and after the fight, they pick him up? Like, man, look, you got your ass kicked, but you got a lot of heart. I don't want to be that guy. Like, I watch a lot of UFC and boxing, and every time you talk about a fighter who has a lot of heart,

he always has scar tissue on his face Brain damage and slurred speech Because he has no defense He's not technical And all the greatest sports movies are all about athletes with a lot of heart Rocky Cinderella Man The Fighter with Mark Wahlberg And Rudy

And besides heart, you know what those four have in common? No talent No technique And the crazy thing is and Rudy. And besides heart, you know what those four have in common? No talent. No technique. And the crazy thing is, Rudy and Joe Montana played on the same team. And guess who they made the movie about? The scrub. Because you make about somebody

with talent, it's not interesting. Like, nobody cares about the Ali movie. This is the greatest athlete ever. But they care about a fake character, right? That's my talk. Thank you. Good job, man. Three steers.

You go really quickly from that little kitty cat to that bear. Yeah, he jumps on it pretty quick. All right, well. I know what happens now. We just talk to him. All right. Man, you know what? That actually is a good routine.

It's a shame that you only got a minute, because I can see you leading into that and running around. You had to jump right into the heart. Plus, you got a room full of comics. They hate you anyway. Comics ain't going to laugh your heart out for nobody. They ain't giving up jack to anybody.

You know what the thing that cracks me up is you and I are talking to somebody who had like a minute. Now, you were even understating two minutes for a premise. Yes. For you and I, a premise may not come up for like ten minutes. To the end of the show.

To the end of the show. I got a premise, let's go. So it's like, you know, because I just take my time and that's just. But you seem like a funny guy. You seem like you have a nice... You do. I mean... You got good delivery and everything, man.

There's a lot of people you see, and you go, oh, what the fuck are they doing? Yeah, I try to keep the smile on my face. I'm not thinking that for you. But I do know that if I wore my hat the same as you, I'd be retarded. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can do it.

I would be the retarded guy who sweeps the comedy store. That's all. I'm just pointing out that I can't get away with it. But no, that was funny. I mean, I hate to jump into it because you had to go like, so usually that's your punchline. You make your punchline your bit with a minute. You're trying to stretch it out, and the little kitty coming up.

Oh, you was thinking about the kitty. Next comic, don't even think about the kitty. Forget that. Forget the end. Keep going. So what? You get a bear sound. So what?

So what? They turn the light off on you. So what? They turn your mic off. So what? If you got the audience going, then you'll be famous. You'll go on TV, and you'll get on the talk show. There you go.

Jump right in. That's it. Forget that. Don't ever be scared of the end, because and you get on the talk show. There you go. That's it. Forget that. Don't ever be scared of the end, because all you think about is the end. If you're starting the beginning, all you think about is the end, right? Yeah. Or did I get lost? No, you're good. That's good. Don't ever think about the end. Just go, man. That kitty's so low, you can keep going. Nobody else hears it.

Just keep going. That was funny, man. Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot, Maurice. that's Maurice Spears everybody we did it we talked to Maurice he's on Twitter at Maurice Spears

for you listeners the ones that follow it's a cool name by the way a good name Maurice Spears that's badass I'm Jeff Garland what's that

no no no but that's the athletic name Jeff Garland I'm that but Maurice Spears that's like he's a wide receiver Jeff Garland's a baseball player he athletic name, Jeff Garland. I'm Matt, but Maurice Spears, that's like he's a wide receiver. Jeff Garland's a baseball player.

Jeff Garland's a baseball player. Jeff Garland's a baseball player. Yeah. That'd be like baseball player. Yeah. Jeff Garland. Yeah, Jeff Garland. Yeah, Jeff Garland has been working out with Manny Mota.

Jeff Garland, three for four on the day. Jeff Garland, he's working out with Cocoa Krispies. I always ask guests when they're on the show for the first time, is there anything that you remember doing when you very first started out that you are embarrassed that you did? Oh, a bit?

A feeling that I had when I first started. A bit, a character, anything. Something that stands out to you is you can't believe that you did that back then. Well, first off, I can't believe that I gave a shit so much when I first started. The key is not giving a shit. Well, take what you do seriously, but don't take yourself seriously. And when you're first starting out, everything is serious.

And then, you know, as soon as I didn't give a shit about being successful or a star, I shouldn't say successful. I wanted to always be a good comic. But as soon as I didn't give a shit anymore about being famous on TV or movies or whatever, that's when it started to happen, when I really didn't give a shit. You just knew.

I just knew. It's the same thing with girls, right? Yeah, I just knew it, but not with girls. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, what I'm saying is you can't fake not giving a shit for them to dig you. No, they hate you. Yeah, but you what I'm saying is you can't fake not giving a shit for them to dig you. No, they hate you. Yeah, but you care.

Women hate us. Women hate us. So you got to make a lot of money, and then they care. And then you don't have to care. The more money you make, the less you can care. You can just sit at a table, VIP, yes, come in. What? See, that's what you can do when you got money.

Look at Sterling. Sterling got played. Look at that old man. Look at that old man. We should be having a sex suit with him look at him if that was a homeless man we wouldn't have this problem by the way

if he was homeless he wouldn't be having this problem because you can stand on the street and yell that shit and nobody cares don't bring a white man a black man in here don't bring a black man near me don't I'm telling you why do you embarrass me? You can do all that on a corner.

You know, I never... I was just trying to eat and have a place to stay. When I started coming, I just jumped and showed up at clubs. I wouldn't even book there. I would just show up and tell them that my manager had booked me there. And a couple of times, he didn't book you, and I would act like, oh man, it's my third time. And I would just try and get on stage to be funny enough.

They were like, keep him here. I didn't want any money. I just wanted a place to stay. Remember the comedy condo back in the day? Comedy. Because the comics can't live that way. We used to drive everywhere, ride with somebody who got in a car, and stay somewhere. Now you got to have, who's your YouTube following?

I used to bring them. Who thought bring-ems would hit comedy? I never. That would never happen in my life. Bring-ems, bring-ems. I thought this was a hit comedy? Who would bring an audience? Bring them, bring them. I thought this was a comedy story. I gotta bring somebody? Not only that, but what's the last thing you want when you're first starting?

Anyone you know watching you. No one you know watching you. And now that's how a lot of people start. The next time they take you to bring them, pay 20 homeless people to come to your show. See, you used to just show up at comedy clubs, tell them that your manager booked you,

they told you no way, and then they would eventually just sort of feel bad and put you on. Every place I went. It wasn't a matter of that, because I heard you did this. It had to be fun. It was like, oh, fuck, this guy's good,

let's just have him on here this weekend, we'll pay him $100. No, no money. Zero? Food and a place to stay. Oh, really? Not even $100? Not even $100, man, no money. Zero? Food and a place to stay. Oh, really? Not even $100? Not even $100, man.

There wasn't one guy through the years who went, fuck, send back, here's $100. What happened was, it was Bruce Ayers in Birmingham, Alabama. I went to the comedy spot in Atlanta, and Chris DiPella said, what do you think you're doing? And it was the first time my charm didn't work. But there was a Fred Decker, who was a comedian, who had a TR6 car. He said they needed an opening act. He drove me to Birmingham.

I got my suitcase in my face. We drive to Birmingham and I get on stage. It was Mac and Jamie were headlining and they said we ain't gonna follow him. We're not following him.

And I became a headliner in four months. I was headlining comedy clubs. I made no money and so then it was Lenny Clark that told me comics hate you because they're paying you $400 a headline.

You got to up your money. I was making $400 a headline. I know guys were getting $1,500, $2,000. Wow. I thought I was rich. I laid $400 a day. $400 is what your middle act. Middle act is what $400.

That's right. So they were just ripping you off. I thought I was making money, man. But your rep was spreading through the land. Yes. It was. I love that. It was from the standpoint of. The rep was everything through the land. Yes. It was. I love that. It was from the standpoint of...

The rep was everything. Not only that, but how many fuckers were doing what we were doing back then? We sound like we're 100, but I swear to God, in the 80s, there weren't that many people doing stand-up. Like when I first started in 82, myself, Eddie Murphy, what the heck's his name from New York? There was literally maybe a half a dozen comics who were like my age, 20 years old. Wow. And Eddie was one of them. Like there was, Brian Regan was a few years older than me.

I'm talking about like there was nobody, young people. And everybody who I worked with, you know this, they were all in their 30s. Yep, they were older, and then Jay Leno was the god. Jay Leno got the door. Yeah. And we would go watch Jay Leno. We would all go watch Jay Leno because he could make eight grand a week. That's what I heard.

Everybody says that he was absolutely the best stand-up comedian. I've even heard Letterman say that Jay Leno. He had mastered something. There was not even a competition. That's amazing. And there were guys who were great, like Seinfeld was great back then. But Leno was the king. Wow.

And dirty. I heard really dirty back in the day. Not real dirty. Not real dirty. That's what I heard. I mean, I did love his grandma's pussy routine. Yes, yes, yes. But in general.

That was dirty. That was real dirty. Just those two words together. Yeah. Your next comedian goes by the name of Sarah Afkame. Yeah. Sarah Afkame. Oh, shit.

You know what that means, Tony? Oh, no. When somebody misses their spot. Did she punk out? She punked out, man. They get blacklisted. Oh. Make punked out, man. Make it blacklisted. Make noises. Oh, okay.

No. What if she has diarrhea right now? It's a lesson in show business. You take a modium D, bro. You take a modium D to not just show. I was almost sad for you. Nobody pays attention. We don't look at who signs up again.

We just say they get blacklisted because it's funny. Clark McMakin, everybody. Clark. Clark. Here he comes. Clark McMakin. Thank you. I saw a woman feeding her baby, which is cool.

She was using the old school, like, here comes the plane method. The baby fell for it because it's a moron. What I don't understand is the mother's motivation for reenacting a little baby 9-11. All right, all right. The first plane in the mouth could have been anything. So when the second one hit the baby in the back of the head, that's when I knew something had gone wrong.

I don't like that we call it committed suicide. Like, I know it's a crime, but it's also the last thing you're ever going to do. Give him some dignity. I say we change it to accomplished suicide. Because you did something. Hey, why are you crying?

Well, my brother accomplished suicide last week. That's really sad, but at least he proved all those teachers wrong. Thank you, guys. Man, that was a fast minute, dude. I know it. I know it. Fuck yeah, Clark. I like the idea of that,

because everyone remembers their mom going, like that, and if you didn't open your mouth in the plane, it seems like it did. Oh, yeah. They didn't kill your mouth in the plane. It seems like it did. They didn't kill 300 people. That was commitment, man. Or accomplishment. Thank you.

Respect. Some dark shit. You live in a dark world, man. What's your name again? Clark. Mick Macon. Your what's your name again? Clark. Clark what again? McMakin. McMakin.

Yeah, your name's not that dark. Please welcome Clark McMakin. What you should come out is hand everybody bacon, Clark McMakin. What if I told you how good would that be to be the comic who gives people bacon? Most people, unless they're vegetarians, love fucking, even vegetarians love bacon. Yeah. They just don't eat it. Everybody in the world loves bacon.

Morningstar, my daughter, Morningstar. Not Muslims. They're pretty off on the bacon thing. No, I've seen Muslims eat bacon. They don't do it in front of people.

They just do it in private. Yeah, they do. He's totally right. Yeah, they do. So, Clark McMacon,

you need some bacon. All right. And, the world needs a little levity. That's all. Leave on that note. A little levity. If you got a minute.

You got 9-11 and fucking suicide. In a minute you don't want to do the suicide. You had a minute and you killed somebody at the very beginning. You didn't kill the baby. You killed the baby in the first 30 seconds. And then somebody here could have lost somebody in that building and you

talking about killing a baby in a minute. I mean, if you had seven minutes, go ahead and kill the baby in the middle. But don't kill the baby in the first 30 seconds of a minute routine. But I admire the commitment because like you said, don't care because you in the first 30 seconds of a minute routine. But I admire the commitment. Like you said, don't care.

Because you did not give a damn. Whenever you're thinking of writing a bit like that, just say to yourself, I'm Clark McMakin. And I think that'll give you the tone you need. Wow. Where are you from, Clark? From Oregon, man.

Nice. You look like you're from Oregon. Yeah. So where'd you get this darkness in Oregon? Y'all just a happy snow people. Nike town? Yeah, that's Portland. Happy snow people.

I'm from a rainier place in Portland. Oh, you're from the mountain where they... Yeah. Where they had the volcano? Yeah. Volcano. Yeah. Oh, boy, they had the volcano. Volcano? Well, Clark, thank you so much. Hey, thank you.

That's Clark McMacon. Good man. Hi, Clark. He's on Twitter. He's on Twitter at Clark McMacon. Yep. Have fun. What a blast.

And I guarantee, I just want to say this Clark, I guarantee you've avoided the whole bacon thing your whole life And you've got to embrace it, my friend Just me I believe you The woman? Not yet

You've got to make up for the woman who's not here Is she here? Did she come back? Sarah Afkami, are you here? Is she the really young one? No But I did pull another name And that name is Kendall Neal Sarah Afkami, are you here? Is she the really young one? No. But I did pull another name, and that name is Kendall Neal. Oh. All right, Kendall.

I came from the nose, please. By round of applause, y'all be honest. It's okay to be honest. Anybody here broke? Trying to make sure I wasn't the only one. You ever been so broke you stay out all day long just to make sure you don't use no electric at the house? Y'all laughing.

My neighbor didn't even know he had a neighbor. I was gone all June, man. I'm serious. Nah, but I'm broke, had a neighbor. I was gone all June, man. I'm serious. Nah, but I'm broke, man. My car was repossessed last month, man. And that's the worst feeling in the world. It leaves you confused, and it gives you the high chest. Well, I know y'all probably sitting around like, what the hell is the high chest?

This is the high chest when you come outside and your car is gone. You come outside. Like I said, it leaves you confused. You start looking around at unnecessary places for your car. What are you doing in the cabinets, man? Ain't no car in the cabinets. It's the worst feeling, man. Times is bad, 2014, for everybody, man. You can't give no more, 2014. You can't even offer things no more, 2014 2014 because people will accept that shit. I'm out of here. I ain't getting ruined on that. Man, you should have finished that. No, that don't go nowhere. Man, what's up? You so broke, you was leaving.

They don't charge you for the mic electricity. It's all free electricity It's all free It's all free now That was fun, you got some good stuff man Yeah, I thought so too Yeah, you got some good premises, you got the jokes, I like that man Kendall, you look young, how old are you? I'm 24, I'll be 25 next month

That's the last joke man, I didn't know you was going with that Oh, I was, basically What the hell was the last one? I was speeding No, he was in the moment. He can't even remember. 2014, you can't give stuff away. People take it.

Yeah, man, it's getting so bad. You can't offer things to people no more than 2014 because they will accept it. Do you ever offer something to somebody knowing you wanted them to reject and they accept anyway? I was with my friend. Y'all got time? I got 30 seconds. I was with my friend. I was with my friend, and he was complaining all day, all day about having money problems. I'm like, ah, man, a couple dollars would help me out, man.

Ah, man, I'm so broke, man. So I finally, I felt like I had to offer some help. So I said, man, you know what? I wish I could help you out, man. All I got is my ATM card, man. I can't even wish I had some cash on me. I thought I was in the clear until he looked me right in my eyes and he said,

my nigga, it's the ATM right up the street and I can take you right now, brother. I can drive, man. Now, here's why there's a couple things. Y'all rushed me. I was nervous. No, no, no, don't worry. Sorry, but first off, we did a whole episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm about that.

It was called Empty Gesture. It's about people giving empty gestures all the time and not meaning it. Oh. It's a good episode. That's good, man. I don't know what season. But you got to learn. Learn to do that.

But I think you're funny. Yep. And you have potential. And can I give you're funny. Yep. And you have potential. And can I give you just a bit of advice? Anything. All right. When you come out, hand out bacon. Hand out bacon.

And you want my opinion? Change your last name. You should change your last name. To something that rhymes with bacon? Like McCakin? McCakin. McCakin. He's not doing anything with it.

He's talking about 9-11 and killing people. You, my friend, come out with bacon, and when he gets mad, just go, hey, fucker, you weren't doing anything with it. That's just my advice. That was good, though, man. That was good. And another thing, don, fucker, you weren't doing anything with me. That's just my advice. That was good, though, man. That was good. Another thing, don't ever be, even if you got people up here like us,

who we weren't always us, don't respect any comment. I mean, if Cosby's sitting here, slap him. Just get over it. Slap him. Just say it. I'm just telling you. If I can say what you're really saying, which is when you are up there and you're doing the mic, it's your time. It ain't nobody else's time.

And forget about reverentialness or anything. Now, certainly if you met Bill Cosby on the street, I would get down on my knees and go, sir. And then slap him. And then slap him. You slap him. That worked for you. You worked with him. That's what I would do. And then slap him. You slap him. That worked for you. You worked with him. I never worked with him.

I didn't slap him. Y'all are saying don't respect any comics, and it's so crazy. No, no, no. They're in the room. If you do routine. Point being is. Yes. Point being is respect comics as you would other people, and in general respect people

when you're not gigging. But when you go up to the mic you own that room. You can really, that's like the only time in the day where you can go right now it's about me and it's about me doing well for the audience. Because you want the audience

to enjoy themselves. Barack Obama was sitting in the front row slapping. Comedically slapping. He just committed a crime. Kendall, thank you so much, man. Good man. Right on, man. He's on Twitter at Kendall Neal.

Let's get another one up here. This is fun, right? I hope it's a woman. TJ Blair. Pick me a woman. Man. I think, I think, go ahead, we'll talk about that first.

So I turn 29 next month, but I was Mormon for most of my life, so that makes me about 17 in human years. I'm still childishly naive about a lot of things. I have no idea what to order at Starbucks. Still really bad at sex. I found out that normal people have sex and go to Starbucks all the time. The other week I was eating a pack of Gushers. I don't know if you guys remember those, a little tiny snack we used to get in our lunch. And it had me thinking that it's complete bullshit that those things were anything other than candy.

They were a gushy candy inside with a candy outside. Some marketing wizardry had little kids asking their moms for fruit snacks. And that's all for me. All right. 53 seconds of thunder for T.J. Boyd. Sinbad, I apologize, but I have to just take this. Take it. Take it.

Take it. What the fuck were you talking about? Yes, in general, but specifically, people have sex and go to Starbucks. You gave no information as to how you know that. What you've experienced in terms. You let out a scientific theory, my friend.

Or a social theory with nothing. You didn't go anywhere. Your whole set could have been based on that. Please explain why you say that. No, I wrote that. This is my first time doing stand-up, so I wrote that.

Oh, okay. So basically, I have to take this. I have to take this. This is your first time doing stand-up. First thing, never be scared to pull the mic up tall enough for you. Don't just grab the midget mic. Always pull the mic up to where you are. And second all it's your first time doing stand-up you've got those heebie-jeebies out the way and now you can write a joke thank you no no no you're right no you just literally wrote this morning yes the whole there used to be a dude that i started with

who used to do a bit he used to i remember brian reagan and i used to be a dude that I started with who used to do a bit. I remember Brian Regan and I used to sit in the back, and we would watch him, and he would do things like, you know how when your mom calls you for dinner, you immediately go into the shower? And we would be like, no, I never had the feeling to go in the shower because dinner was. And his whole set was filled with those. And he was so sincere. And I'm like... And he walked off stage.

Man, I just went over their heads. So the point being is, I guess it was enough for tonight to just make the Starbucks thing. So you thought that might be funny if people after sex... Tell us why. You have to have a reason why. No, well, growing up Mormon, you never drink coffee and funny if people after sex tell us why you have to have a reason why growing up Mormon you never drink coffee and you don't have sex there's your premise

you didn't say it though you assume we know Mormons most of us don't have any Mormon friends at all are you from Utah? I went to school there I'm from Florida where in Florida? Orlando that always explains it Orlando is I went to school there. I'm from Florida. Where in Florida? Orlando.

That always explains it. Yeah, it does. Orlando is... Moment world. No, no, but if people want to know what's the weirdest part of Florida, because Florida's got a bad rep, Orlando is right in the middle, and it's the most fucked up area.

I went to the University of Miami, and I lived in South Florida. I used to go up to Gator Growl all the time at University of Florida. I would visit Tampa all the time. I'd stand up in Tampa all the time. Point Bing is Orlando. That's a fucked up place. Do you remember Orlando before they had? It was just J.J. Whispers.

There was no downtown Orlando. There was no basketball team. There was a place there called J.J. Whispers. There was no black nightclub. It was just Orlando. And this dude said, man, Orlando's going to grow. He wants me to invest in some property with him.

I said, you think I'm stupid? It came to place when Shaq and all them bought homes. Oh, it became the place where they all bought that? It became where they all bought homes. And then again, Disney was on the swamp too. I would have not bought that either. No, but it's a weird-ass place. It's different.

Do you live in LA.A. now? Yeah, I live down in Venice. Well, good luck to you, man. This is the thing you need to get out of your way, and now you know what to do. Is it more when you say, I don't have sex or coffee? Because you assumed that most of us didn't do that, but we all drink coffee and have sex. No, no, didn't, didn't. What was my setup?

I said, I don't remember. And know what you got to do. You can't smoke dope before. You can't smoke dope before you do stand-up. Because that kills the premise. Yeah, more paranoia. By the way, you know what's funny? And seriously, and I have a lot of friends that smoke pot and stuff. Is it that obvious?

Yeah, you smoke a lot of dope but you got it no but here's the thing in all sincerity and I don't know what it does for guitar playing or whatever but in terms of stand up pot does not help at all I did it once

and I thought I was this is like I went I showed up for a gig two hours early and I had nowhere to go I was atical. And this is like, I went, I showed up for a gig two hours early, and I had nowhere to go. It was at the Magic Castle. And another comedian who's known for smoking pot said, do you want to get high? And I went, and I'm talking about I'm a guy who gets high once every five years. And I went, yeah, okay, why not? And so I got high, and I did all my material on stained glass windows.

And I thought I was hysterical and my wife's friend was in the audience and let her know that I wasn't. So I don't think... Now you can do... Crack will make you fun. I mean, you want to rob people afterwards, but you'll be funny on crack.

They don't tell you this in the Mormon world, but in the non-Mormon world, we all smoke crack. It's really awful. Oh, that's another thing. Most Christians and Methodists will do crack. To be honest, there is a lot of comics that say the exact opposite.

Marijuana is the best for them to be on stage and for writing in particular. No, I'm not saying writing. I'm not saying when you're at home. I'm saying if you need to get high to go on stage, you've got some fucking issue. Yeah, that's true. You're basically saying you, right?

No, no, no, no. I actually, Joe Rogan, if you know Joe Rogan, he has to smoke weed before he goes on stage. And so do a couple guys in that group. I try to do that. I'm like you. I just mumble through words. But they also have one of those wrestlers. You get the one dude who wants to beat him up all the time.

The one that follows him. Have you seen on this show? No. The one guy, he's a champion in some other country. You got to watch the show, man. It's crazy as hell. What show? On Joe's show.

It's called I'm High as Hell, Follow Me. You know... I tend to think of Joe Rogan as a kind of, I've met him before, he's nice enough, you know, and I say nice enough because he seems like an angry kind of dude. And I would recommend if you have trouble dealing with people in a kind way, maybe you should get high before you perform. Can I tell you something? Yeah. First of all, I've performed with him when he hasn't gotten high

beforehand. A. B. A lot of people that he has that reputation of being the tough guy that seems mean. I swear to God on everything. He's not. Complete opposite. So you worked with him

and he was not high and how did he do? Amazing. Oh, he's also unbelievable. And how did he do? Amazing. Oh, he's funny. No, no, no. But my point being is it's an insecurity thing. Having to get high before you go on. You just said he has to.

You just said he didn't. Shut the fuck up. Everybody's lying. Thank you for coming. Everybody's lying, man. TJ, congratulations. His first time on stage, everybody. TJ congratulations. His first time on stage, everybody.

TJ Blair. His first time on stage in front of Sinbad and Jeff Garland. Now go have some sex and drink some coffee, man. Join us. Join us.

I love that those two things are even compared to each other. If a woman does not come out this bucket now, if a woman does not come out this bucket now, we're walking off. Jeff and I are walking off.

Well, we have two. The only part of the show where there's regulars is there's two regular... See, that's how they start with the black thing. We have two black dudes on Friday. No. No. If you gotta stack it because of diversity, you keep pulling

names till woman names come out. That's how you change the world. That's how the world changes. I love it. Yes. This could be a woman. Put your hands together for Adam Gordon. Alright. Thank you for having me. I was hooking up with this girl, man. It was going great. And I was like, oh, you are so hot. I am

so into this. And she was like, oh, yeah, so hot, I am so into this, and she was like, oh, yeah, you are turning me on, because you have the hands of a baby, and I was thinking about that, I was like, you know what, okay, I'm in this, I'm in this, you know, and I'm trying to forget about what she said, but then she's like, oh, yeah, give it to me, baby hands. Come on, come on, give it to me, baby hands. And I'm just like, oh, my God, at least she didn't say baby dick. I'm going to keep going through that. But anyways, but then I'm the only guy in town getting booty calls like, hey, baby hands, why don't you come over here and finger paint on me? Oh, man, I can't handle that.

So I'm in the store, and I'm looking at vodkas, and everything's like, cupcakes vodka, sprinkles vodka. And I'm like, damn, how much vodka do 13-year-old girls drink? Seriously. I think more than when I was in eighth grade. That's for sure, man. So I was working at LA Fitness, and I had this employee sitting behind me, and he was an 85-year-old black man. And he would always hit me with this thing and say

you gotta hear it you gotta hear it a little bit yeah yeah i just i just want to say quick quick question yes sir you were working out at the fitness place or you were working out? Yeah, I was working there. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. I just want to say thank you, Tony, so much. Thank you, Jeff Garland, and thank you, Sinbad.

When I was a kid, one of your specials where you're saying, don't you run from me, that line. I mean, I remember that always, man. Thank you so much, guys. Adam, let's talk about what you just talked about. Okay. Let me have it. I was trying to rush through some things.

First off, you clearly had sex with my wife because that baby hand thing is hers. No, I swear. I swear I did not. And you know what? If you're having sex with a woman, even if she called you baby hands, take it. Maybe you're there, she gave you some sex, take it. If she calls you, take it. My gut feeling is you made that whole shit up.

No, it's based on something real. No, you didn't. What's the base? She didn't call you baby. Okay, but how did it really go down? Now we find the joke. What really happened? She was just like,

oh, I love how your hands feel on my body. They're so baby-like. See, now that's fun. See, we can sit there. You became the woman. You do things. See, now that's fun. See what you did there? You became the woman. You did the thing. Yeah, but the minute you turned it into baby hands and shit like that and finger painting, that was bullshit.

Sorry. Sorry to disappoint, Jeff Garlin. No, no, no. The point being is, and this is a huge point in comedy that people don't fucking get. You're either real or you're a character. Okay? And people who are characters, like Pee Wee Herman, for example, he creates his environment.

That world is real. He's created that world. Or you're Richard Pryor. When you do shit that's in the middle, that people watching are going, that never happened. Is that real? There's so many comedians, for example, that talk about like, oh, I'm dating this girl and she gets so drunk and it's like,

they all do the same thing. Because you've never been with a drunk woman. They're all dating the same horrible person. It's someone who they think, they're imagining. But the thing is, be genuine or come up with a character and you're true and genuine to that character.

So you come up as yourself. Be baby hand man. And you have bacon. Baby hand man with bacon. Baby hand man with little bacon. Come out with little bacon bits. And then the people with bacon bits. Bacon bits with little baby hands. Absolutely. Tiny pieces of bacon

Yeah, because they can't hold the big bacon That's right, get in your hands, man I see where you're going No, but in all sincerity, if you continue this festival of doing it Be genuine Absolutely That was funny Yes, sir

I'm just saying that he's genuine, I'm genuine And you don't have to If you want to do a character and not be who you are or say what you are, that's cool too. But be true to that also. Absolutely. Most comedians are in the middle. And that's why they suck. And that's why they ain't going anywhere.

Another thing is the vodka thing that you talked about. You said cupcake-flavored vodka sprinkles-flavored vodka. But sprinkles don't really hold a flavor. Were there sprinkles vodka? Yeah, it sprinkles don't really hold a flavor. So that's why they're sprinkles vodka. Yeah, it was all like, you know, marshmallow. But that was good. That's a good premise.

That's actually a good premise. Thank you. And your baby hands can't hold it. I can't. I keep dropping it. Or your baby hands can't hold the little girl's hands. By the way, look at the direction you're going, though. Yes.

She wasn't talking about the size of his hands. She was talking about how soft his hands are. Thank you. Women love soft hands. Yeah. I mean, there might be some women who like a hard, rough, scaly hand. Cutting their face up. Yeah.

Like a bread maker. Might be. I don't know. But I imagine that most women, because women are soft, they probably like something. Yeah. You know, they only want one hard thing. Next time, throw some baby powder on them. Did you say that?

I will do. But I wish you luck. I will do. Thank you, sir. baby powder on them. Did she say that? I will do. But I wish you luck. I will do. Thank you, sir. Adam Gordon, everybody. He's on Twitter at FlashGordonMMA. Man, don't go in that bucket. Are you a comedian?

Where's the female comedian? Raise your hand. Come up here next. There you go. There she is. Sarah Kenny, everybody. There we go. There we go. There we go. There she is. Sarah Kenny, everybody. There we go.

There we go. I like that, Sinbad. I do, too. I went to the doctor and I got a prescription for Adderall because I suffer from severe ADD, which is an adult desire to do speed. Got to take care of that shit. I got hit on by someone a lot younger than me recently, and that can be a little bit awkward. I was riding my bike and I heard him shout, hey girl, I want to ride with you. And I look over and I see a 12 year old boy walking with his parents, who seem like not at all disturbed by this,

which I took to be their approval. So I pulled over, and I'm like, get on, kid. Let's do this. And I'm not a pedophile. I'm not going to sleep with a 12-year-old boy. I just wanted to teach his parents a lesson by kidnapping him for a couple of years. But it totally backfired.

Like, he's such a shitty roommate. And you know, they're not going to take him back. They've made that pretty clear. Woo! Alright, cool. Now, you know what? You got some good premises in there. I mean,

sometimes just development of a joke. You know how you say you take a joke and you develop it. I see where you're going with the kidnapping stuff. That's still not good. That's not bad stuff. Always never be satisfied with that joke. You know it's there. You feel it. You feel it's there.

You feel it's there because I've stolen 12-year-old kids before. I've experienced it. It's there. You know it's there. When you work it out out you'll feel it and he is right on the premises the premises are all there but they're all there for a character

you know cause you didn't go up and you know you wrote that but you need to write that for a character I was like actually literally writing that down as you were saying it I was like I am in the middle I am like half, half character. Even if who you – like are you Sarah Silverman, for example?

Sarah is not exact. Like hanging out with Sarah, which I do, she doesn't all the time you're hanging out say those lines. But she does on occasion just says something funny and shocking. But in general – but those jokes work for who she does on occasion just says something funny and shocking. But in general, those jokes work for who she is on stage. So you need to write jokes for who you are on stage.

And then it'll all... Those are really funny premises. She started with that thing. That character you would start off with, that is a character. That was kind of cool. You got some stuff there. Okay.

And here's what I recommend. And this is, Tony, this took you to another level. You take the book Charlotte's Web and you rewrite it without the pig. Yes. Just on your desk. Yes. That's all. Yes.

Sinbad, you've done that. I've done. That's an exercise. Wait, do I replace the pig with something? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just eliminate the pig. Take the pig out.

But write the whole thing. Don't tell anybody you did it. Yeah. Just do it. It'll affect your writing. Publish it. Publish it. Publish it and send it to a harvest self-publishing company and use a different name.

Take out the pig and cook it into bacon and then bring the bacon. But you can do a lot of stories. Take the main character out and see if you can rewrite it. Well, really writing anything, you know, Stephen King and his book On Writing, which I love, which really inspired me more than even the show. By the way, that's one of the great books.

Absolutely. Stephen King on writing. I learned a ton from that book. Absolutely. And it's a very easy read. And open up your own lotion shop. Yes. That's my opinion.

True. Because, you know, my dad said, have something to fall back on. You can have lotion. Your brand will be there. No creams. No creams. No lotion. Make everything there water-based.

I have a slightly better day job. Is there a difference between lotions and creams? All right, stop it. Creams are thicker. Creams are thicker. No, creams are oil-based. Creams are thicker. And lotion is water-based.

More smooth. More smooth. Cream a little dab will do you. What's your day job? I'm a programmer, computer programmer. You have too good a job to be a comic. You make money. You cannot,

like the broke comic up there, he'll make it because he broke his tail. I felt his pain. You make good money and you sit around with other programmers like this. Why are you trying to do that?

And you know, you got this humor and the guys that program which is a lot of guys, right? A lot of guys. And they want sex but they don't know how to go get it.

They're like the Mormon dude. They don't really know how to go get it. So that's why you dream of taking 12-year-old boys home because you're around. And now that I know it because I took psychology. The first half of that joke was true. Like I actually had a 12-year-old boy shout at me. Yeah, but that sends your mind, sends your imagination going.

Right. Just write for whoever you are on stage. Yeah, no, I agree with that. That's good advice. Sarah, thank you so much. Thank you. Sarah, can I do it? And by the way, I remember this.

First time I ever met you was at one of those Mac conventions. Oh, Mac World, dude. It used to be here in L.A. Mac Fair. Mac Fair. I met you there.

You'd see him walking with the new Power Books back when Power Books were black. 5300. The Power Books 5300 with the battery that blew up. The battery would catch on fire and burn up. Yes. 5300C. I had the 5100B.

See, man, I had the first portable Mac that looked like a sewing machine. No, he was on the cutting edge of Apple computers. I had a TRS-102. Come on, don't get me started now. That was like the thing, like. Oh, Sinbad gets all the Mac shit out of time. I would go to hotel rooms, unscrew the mouthpiece and use alligator clips to get a modem

a 300-baud modem to go online and they would call the police because they thought I was a terrorist. That's how deep I am, dude. That's amazing. Do you do social media a lot? I was Facebook before there was a Facebook. I called Facebook when Zuckerberg did it and I tried

to delete the page and they said you can't delete your page. I said, oh damn, they about to harvest information. This lonely suck dude that can't get a woman. And that's all Facebook is. It's based on a lonely sucky dude who couldn't get a woman. All I know

is the look on your daughter's face watching you on that riff was genius. She literally had the look on her face of, Dad, what are you talking about? She knows how I feel about it. She literally, I mean, that was the look, and I'm watching it. She knows how I feel about Facebook. She hates when I go on that Facebook rant. Yeah. Facebook is the devil.

Let's get another comedian. It's not that popular anymore. Oh, Snapchat is because little girls want to show they're coochie. Snapchat's the one where it's there and then it's gone. Yeah, Snapchat. No, it's never gone. Because the man always has all your stuff. Ask Kwame, the mayor of Detroit, who deleted his

text. And three years later, here they all were. Oh, really? Because the man lets nothing go. The man keeps everything. Put your hands together for your next comedian, guys. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go into the man situation. Eddie Malden. He's suckin' around my head.

Eddie Malden. Alright, how we doing, everybody? Sorry to hear that. Oh, man, guys. I am a comedian, but I'm also a cartoonist. It's pretty cool. I enjoy it. My fear is I'm going to turn into Walt Disney one day, you know, because he created Mickey Mouse, friend to all children, but also a racist? Like, how did that work, you know?

But maybe that's okay. Maybe that's why filmmaking's a collaborative effort. Maybe the first draft of Snow White just needed some punch-ups, you know? It's like, hey, Walt, got the script, man. Loved it. Loved all the Snow White stuff. Got a few notes. First off, awful lot of use of the word Jews in this script.

How about we just change that to dwarves? It's a kid's movie. Be a little more acceptable. One other small note. How about instead of too many, we just make it seven? We got to draw this. We tested the poster. Snow White and the Too Many Jews

just did not play very well. All right, I'll end on that. Thank you. Eddie Maldon. That's based on, I like that. That's based on those who know Walt Disney

as racist as he was, man. That was a factual joke. Yeah, I like to be factual. I didn't even know that. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, he was very, he was on LSD too. Really?

Yeah. Uh-oh. Pissed off Iron Man. I didn't know that. He was very... Really? You pissed off Iron Man. I didn't know that. Is that your real voice, your natural voice? It sounds almost like you work at Universal. Like, hey, everybody! Yeah, no, that's me. It's loud. Yeah, it's loud. I didn't want to...

Are you really a cartoonist? Yeah, I am. So that's really your big fear, turning into Walt Disney? Just that it's gonna... That's really a cartoonist? Yeah, yeah, I am. So that's really your big fear, turning into Walt Disney? Just that it's going to... That's a really big fear? You know, I was doing stand-up in front of Sinbad and... Here, I'll even do you. I was doing... Hey, you know, it's a pleasure to talk to the New York Times.

Oh, well, what happened was I was doing stand-up in front of Sinbad and Jeff Garlin, and I used to be afraid of turning into Walt Disney. Yeah, I didn't want that much money. I didn't want my own studio and theme parks based on characters I created. My big fear was just being a racist. I couldn't separate that from the man. I couldn't just wake up in the morning and say to myself,

I'm not going to be a racist. No, it was the whole Walt Disney idea that fucked me hard. I gotta tell you, my friend. The fuck are you talking about? No, but here's what I'm saying. You took a fucking wee, wee, wee to get to a premise.

It's like a four-minute bit, but I just wanted to get to that little sweet spot. But you only had a minute. I only had a minute. But I bet you in the four minutes you say you're afraid of becoming Walt Disney. Yeah, yeah. That's the sucky part. Okay. I bet you in the four minutes you say you're afraid of becoming Walt Disney. Yeah, yeah. That's the sucky part. Okay.

So get rid of that part and just go, you know, I'm a cartoonist just like, you know, Walt Disney, except there's a difference between us. Or like, hey, do you know what Walt Disney was like? That's cool, too. The premise is being a cartoonist is like driving an ice cream truck. It just gets creepier the older you get. Why? But he was a racist young. Why does it get creepier if you're a cartoonist? Does anyone think Charles Schultz is some guy whacking off as he writes penis?

He was. What the fuck are you talking about? What's in your head? Charles Schultz. He was in. The TV show Dexter was based on Charles Schultz. The sidewalk ended at a kid's school. How long have you been doing stand-up, Eddie?

It'll be five years in September. Where are you from? South Florida. Miami. Hurricane. I graduated from UM. I only went one year and quit and became a comedian. See, that's the difference.

You made the right call. See, that's the difference. I got a right call. See, that's the difference. I got a degree. That's a waste of time. You went to UM. Yeah. And where did you grow up in Miami? I'm from Fort Pierce, like two hours north.

Yeah, I know Fort Pierce. Yeah, yeah. And then I did film and theater in Miami. Hey, what is this? You're IMDB? What's going on here? He's talking like a person for the first time. My agent's phone number.

It's not. I started coming to Florida. I did a film in Tampa, right? It's Giggles Comedy Club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, yeah.

Florida has good things besides Orlando. There's a few. But you know why I left Florida? I was scared it was going to be Walt Disney. The longer I stayed in Florida, I'm going to become a racist. I look young. I'm going to become a racist and hate black people and Jews. No, but it's not.

Don't go the creepy thing. It's not creepy. Being a cartoonist is really kind of noble and interesting. Okay, well, I appreciate that. Talk about your job. Dude, y'all got some stuff so unique to being a cartoonist. Hit us with some of that because nobody knows you guys. We think you're just dudes who stay in this room by yourselves.

Did you do that with a black God? Yeah, no, I drew this. This is one of my T-shirts. Really? Yeah, I draw and sell my own T-shirts. That's great. Thank you. Is that Black God?

No, that's... Suntan White Dude. No, it's a mashup. It's Frederick Douglass with Doug. Oh. It's Doug Funny from the 90s cartoon Doug. Yeah, and with Frederick Douglass. It's called Douglass.

I do mashups. Only a cartoonist. Oh, that's fucking great, man. But only a cartoonist would have done that. Do you have a website where. Oh, that's fucking great, man. But only a cartoonist has ever done that. Do you have a website? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's it called? It's redbubble.com backslash people backslash poorly drawn.

Oh. Too many backslashes, man. What do you want? I can't afford the online guys. Unless you do the thing. Watch this. Watch this. How many people knew who Frederick Douglass was?

Look. And the rest of them. They must have been... How many people know the character Doug from the TV show? I knew them before. I do like that mashup.

That's a great one. Thank you. How do you even know? That's creepy. Doug wasn't... Because I know who Doug is. He wasn't around long enough to be iconic.

Yeah. So that's when I looked at it't around long enough to be iconic. Yeah. Yeah. So that's when I looked at it and went, oh, Black God. Okay. Which is, by the way, Frederick Douglass' nickname was Black God. Or Morgan Freeman God. Oh. Or it could be, if you do Frederick Douglass, it's Mickey Mouse.

Ooh. Or you open up your own lotion shop and give out bacon. There it is. Bacon lotion. Bacon lotion. Bacon lotion hasn't happened yet. Bacon lotion. So much for that. Thank you so much.

Google bacon lotion. All right. Thanks, guys. Google bacon lotion. Eddie Maldon, everybody. He's on Twitter. Good job, man. That's Eddie M-A-U-L-D-I-N.

Go to RedBubbleBack.com, rewind the podcast, and listen to him again. And go see the cool stuff that he has. Guys, this is the part of the show where we bring up our two regulars who have been being built since the very first episodes of this show. They write a new minute each week and float it out. Yes. That's fantastic. This first

one, also from the great state of Florida. She dropped out of college after performing here for her very first time. Put your hands together for regular The College Dropout, Kimberly Carlton. Thank you guys so much. I think that it's really disrespectful

to dead people to hold them awake. They're not going to wake up, guys. They're done. It's like, it's kind of like if somebody, if somebody's house burns down and you hold them a charity bonfire with their kids roasting on top, it's fucked up. I hate the term. I hate the term in it to win it because it's stupid, right? Who shows up to a game and they're like not me uh i'll be mediocre that's loser mentality uh i'm wearing a dress dresses are dope can't wear them at the comedy store though because then people start saying you're sleeping around and it's like

you guys are comedians i know how how much you make. I'm not sleeping with you. Kill Tony's dope also. I do a minute every week which is insane. It must mean I'm a genius. There you go. That's the sign of a cat. Kim Conga. Interesting one this week. It was a rough one.

I guess maybe you didn't get the tweet of who the guests were going to be. No. We're practically related. This is like my little sister in comedy. One thing, can I tell you what bothered me about this one? The fact that you waited to clear your throat

until the mic was right in front of your mouth. I didn't even realize it. I don't mind it. Tony, I'm a mentor of yours. That doesn't mean shit. You can clear your throat. No, you can clear your throat.

Because if you clear your throat, you're funny. Okay, but here's what I want to say. Seriously. Because you come out, you're right. That's a good point. Okay, but here's what I want to say. Seriously. Okay. Because you come out, you've got some confidence. Okay. Really start talking about shit you care about.

Okay. You didn't care about one thing you said tonight. Right. Start talking about what you care about. What are you passionate about? What really intrigues you? What are you mad about? What are you happy about?

Reveal more of yourself because you're very confident and you have a nice quality. Start talking about shit that matters, not dead people awake. You said the dress thing, it did work. You said you can't wear a dress because it's deep. A woman can't wear a dress because of all the dudes, but they are broke. Comics are broke. And I could tell because you brought your

notes with you, you weren't comfortable with your stuff. I mean, I know some comics do that. My thing is this. Get up here. know what you're going to talk about if you got a wing if you're funny enough you can wing it you remember everything exactly because no you turn around look you said oh i'm wearing a dress tonight did you have a dress on no i just made up that joke oh did you yeah yeah oh look at you look at you well yeah that was good. And it was the one thing that you kind of cared about. It was real, see? And you were sincere on.

Yeah. But start talking about shit that matters to you. Will do. Anything bother you that's been on your mind lately, the last few days? Or something that you really like or something that you really hate? My mom just left town, and we got into a big fight. I made a joke about this, and I'm 24. Your mom was visiting. Yeah, we got into a big fight. I made a joke about this, and I'm 24. Your mom was visiting.

Yeah, we got into a big fight. I'm 24 years old. She's Puerto Rican, so I don't think that she sees me growing in her eyes, and she tried to spank me. See, that's good. Did she really? And I was just like, I just said no. By the way, that's what works at 24.

No. Yeah. It should. If it doesn't, then there's some works at 24. No. Yeah. It should. If it doesn't, then there's some problems. It's true. Yeah. Well, there you go. Should have done that one.

Well, I got two minutes tonight. And then one other thing. Don't get involved in the world of bacon. Okay. And also some Japanese culture in your bits. Okay. Emoji emoticons. If you could put some emoticons into your show. Sounds good. Yeah, Japanese culture in your bits. Emoji, emoticons. If you could put some emoticons into your show.

Sounds good. Japanese culture. That's what he and I are feeling. You need some Japanese culture. Katana language. The Katana language is Sanskrit. I understood your joke also about the burning house and stuff. I don't know if it was that funny,

but when you said the baby part, that was kind of just like that unnecessary. It's that baby part I do every week. This is going to be that comic. The whole bit wasn't necessary and your comment wasn't necessary. I took care of that earlier in a much

nicer way. What the fuck's wrong with you? I could see where she was going at. You could see it? Then maybe you shouldn't be doing stand-up. You talk about what you care maybe you shouldn't be doing stand-up. You talk about what you care about and you'll be fine. Okay.

Will do. Funny stuff. And by the way, dresses are nice. Be whatever you want. Thank you. And remember this, not all comics are broke.

That's correct. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon. And you know, some of us who are incredibly rich and very successful are married and can't do shit

that's right I was talking about other people not me I wasn't talking about me at all no that was other people plus I used to be a mime so we're never going to get laid if I can give any advice to any comic used to be a mime, so we're never going to get played. You never can be a

mime and get laid. If I can give any advice to any comic, don't be a mime. You'll never get laid. If you're into it, get laid. Don't be a mime. Unless you got baby hands. Our other regular and final comedian of the night is a regular on this podcast and dysentery on the Death Squad Network and

always writes a new minute. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinstein. Oh, the women on the new... Women on the record. What's up? Guys, cat people, they get bad raps. But you know who should get bad raps? Rodent people.

Like, that's some fucked up shit. Like, rodents are pests. You have to get an exterminator for them. You cannot make something you must exterminate into your pet. It's weird. Rodents, guys, they brought over

the booboo. They were part of, like, the black plague in the Middle Ages. We're not supposed to take them and make them homes. It's sick. Like, if you walk into someone's house and they have a setup in the corner that looks like a kid's playground at the front of McDonald's, you know that there's something not right. Imagine seeing your friend at work.

Hey, Jen, what's wrong? You look tired. Harry was up all night doing cardio on his wheel again. You know how sick you have to be to want a weird rodent? Like a nocturnal creature in your house. Okay. Was there anything else coming after that? I think it took a weird... Yeah, I think that's it.

Rodents. Rodents. You hate rats, don't you? I just don't like any of that shit. You hate them a lot. Do you have a friend that has pet rodents? Something just happened recently? No, I had a weird childhood flashback to my friend's rodent.

It was a hamster. Tell me that thing about your friend. Okay, it was like this weird family of four, like four kids, so I don't think that they could afford to have a like, a dog, so they got a hamster. So everyone was just, like, passing around this, like, thing, like it was the dog. But, like, it was getting way too much attention. Like, you just leave them in the corner

on their, like, anxiety-ridden creatures that run, but, like, everyone was, like, petting the hamster, and it, like, died within a week. And I thought about that today. Now, that's funny. Er. Funnier? Okay. Er. Er's funny. Er. Funnier? Okay. Er.

Er. Er. Okay. That er is very strong. Because you came off about how sick it was. If you want to fuck a rodent or befriend it and then eat the rodent or something like that, that's sick. In some cultures. So, by the way, in some cultures they eat rodents.

Yes, and they have sex with them. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? No, that was a movie. That was a movie. Is this the same place that they have? Ben. Ben.

Yeah, you don't ever want to see Ben. Yeah. Or Willard. Yes. You never saw Ben, did you? Well, I never saw Ben. She doesn't know what Ben is. Oh, my God.

Is it a movie? She doesn't know what Ben is. That's why she doesn't know. For most people, it's a song by Michael Jackson. Ben's a beautiful song, man. Ben was a hit song. Yeah. Ben.

How does it go? We have found what we're looking for. Maybe if I heard it. I listen to love songs a lot. Is it like a love song? No, no, but Ben is, it's a love song to a rat. A rat. What?

And the best line is, tear him up! Tear him up! The best line in the movie was a love scene. No, that was to kill him. Never mind. Yeah. But the first one was called Willard. Yes.

And Ben was Willard's main pet. And he started the sequel. It started with Socrates. Socrates was a smart one. Yeah. Socrates was a smart rat. We're talking about a rat movie. Okay.

Yeah. Not a rat movie. And then the sequel is Ben. I don't know if they did a third one. They might have. Two different rats? Two different rats. You know what's really interesting at this point?

We have truly lost the audience. Yeah. They were just sort of not into it. Rick Rubin's here tonight. Rick, keep it funky, bro. Oh, I see him. Oh, they got their checks. That's what's going on.

Look at this guy trying to do math right here. That's great, guys. Do some research on number one pop star. I've heard it. That's Willie. Who the hell is that? That's Willie. He's got it.

Like, that's not weird. You want weird. Iron Man singing Ben. Iron Man singing Ben. He's got a friend. But by the way, here's what you don't know. You've got a friend in Ben. The hamster thing?

No, I wish you luck. What? The hamster. We used to talk about the hamster. That kind of led you why you hated rats. And it became clear. I couldn't understand your hatred for how sick people are who have rats for pets. Yeah.

Well, rats. I mean, people have mice for pets. And guinea pigs, that's a normal kid's pet. But is it? Yeah. Yes. Sorry to disappoint you. No, but here's a – just's pet. But is it? Yes. Sorry to disappoint you. No, but here's a...

Just to take it this way. You can say that society finds it acceptable, the guinea pig. You never could. Tell the story about what you don't like about guinea pigs, your friends growing up, and then that bit will be funnier. When you are doing it for a few years, you won't do that bit anymore. But leading up to it now as you're developing, make it funnier, make it more personal.

Or flip the hamster to you. Like the rest of my friends had dogs, but my family was so poor, my dad got us a hamster. And you just take – a lot of times we step on people's lives and we put it in our lives. Yep. And then how the guinea pig is an upgrade from a hamster. Yeah.

Like maybe you wanted a dog, and the dad offered a hamster, and you're like, I will not accept hamster. How do you feel about wearing a skirt? In a comedy club. I like what you said. Get the fuck out of here. I'm like overthinking it. Thank you.

Sarah Weinshank, everybody. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank. Guys, that's Kill Tony 61. Hold on. I have one thing to say. Yeah. Okay. What was the guy's name of the bacon guy?

Clark McMacon. Okay. Yes. Sarah Kleinshank? Weinshank. Okay. Sarah Weinshank marries Clark McMacon. Does she insist on keeping her own name? Does she want to be Weinshink marries Clark McMakin. Does she insist on keeping her own name?

Does she want to be Weinshink McMakin? Or does she go all out McMakin? I'm curious. You'd keep Weinshink. I love it. Weinshink in the black community would get you beat down so severely. Anything coming up you guys want to promote? I know you have a new one-hour special coming out.

It's on DVD. It's called Make Me Want to Holler. We shot it in Detroit. It's on DVD, and I'm on the road every weekend somewhere. So where can they catch you at? You're on Twitter at SinbadBad. You catch me on Twitter at SinbadBad. You can catch me on Facebook.

I never go there. I just put it up there. Stick it to the man. I have a fake Facebook page. And Jeff? Start filming the Goldbergs in two weeks. It's back. This fall, new Goldbergs.

Willie Hunter is at the Will Hunter Show on Twitter. Cool. He's also at Marvel Comics Daily watching the front door. That's true. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Thank you, live audience. Right on, man. It's Tony 61 with Jeff Garlin and Sid Back. ¶¶

¶¶ I ain't got nobody Nobody, nobody Cares for me Nobody, nobody I'm so sad Thank you.