KILL TONY - KILL TONY #64

Episode Date: September 6, 2014

Chris Delia, Ron Funches,Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Kidd Patriot/Scott Kidd, Brian Redban – Date: 08/04/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming to Columbus, Ohio. Yes, we're bringing Kill Tony to Columbus. If you're an open mic-er or you want to try comedy for your first time, sign-up's going to be around 6.30 p.m. at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. Again, that's October 16th. Kill Tony starts at 7 p.m. at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. Again, that's October 16th. Kill Tony starts at 7 p.m.

It's going to be me, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Tiffany Haddish, and maybe a surprise or two, and then followed by a comedy show at 9 p.m. And all the tickets can be found at the new tour calendar, and you just go to deathsquad.TV and click on tour dates. Also, me and Tony are co-headlining Phoenix. That's right. We're coming back to stand up live October 23rd and

you can get tickets again at tour calendars. Just click on tour calendars at DeathSquad.TV and if you're a fan of Thunder Pussy and you live in LA or you're going to be in L.A., September 26th, me and Jeremiah are bringing Thunder Pussy to the L.A. PodFest. That's kind of like a Lollapalooza of podcasters. All the big shows are going to be there.

It's all weekend long. It's in Hollywood. You can get your tickets to see Thunder Pussy, though, September 26th. So go again to our tour calendar. Also, Death Squad needs your help. If you're a fan of Death Squad and you want to see us stay alive and keep on making shows for you for free, please help us out by clicking on shopsquad.tv. There you have all the new Death Squad shirts.

We got some hats. We got some flasks, stickers, posters. clicking on shop squad dot TV. There you have all the new desk squad shirts. We got some hats. We got some flasks, stickers, posters, and everything. Just go to shop squad dot TV. All right, guys,

here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band. Come to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hedgler! Yeah, fuck yeah, everybody. Holy moly. Can you guys believe it? It's Monday night, everyone. How you guys believe it? It's Monday night, everyone. How are you guys doing? This is Kill Tony number 64, for those of you keeping track.

64. 64 motherfucking episodes of Kill Tony. And we're blowing up, people. It's all happening. In fact, I'm happy to announce that today we have our first ever real sponsor, everybody. Real sponsor. A real sponsor. That's right.

McDonald's, Squirt, you name it. If you didn't catch on, I'm sorry to break the news to you, listeners, but that was all a big joke. However, tonight we actually have a real sponsor. She cooked food for Red Band, myself, our guests, and the producer Josh Martin. And it was unbelievable.

It's delicious. The gourmet cooking. Put your hands together for Elise Lane, everybody. Sitting right over there. A super awesome chef. She's worked with many, many great chefs. She's the one. Part of her job is she's a recipe checker, people.

So when chefs come out with something, she's the one that says, this sucks or put it in the book. That's an actual job. And she was nice enough to make us an amazing meal. I believe there was some ahi tuna, some edamame, some shrimp rolls, some glass noodles. And so if any listeners in Southern California and perhaps even wherever you are listening from around the world. You could fly her out.

I'm sure she doesn't mind. You could fly her out. Maybe she could freeze up some dishes for you, send them on ice. I'm sure that's possible for the right amount of money. Her name is Elise Lane. You can follow her on Twitter at Elise Lane, E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N, a very confusing name to spell. But her Instagram is much easier.

That's at thegirlwithapan, thegirlwithapan. Look her up on Instagram. It's like food porn, right? That's one ofgirlwithapan. The girl with a pan. Look her up on Instagram. It's like food porn, right? Yeah. That's one of your big hashtags. I looked you up earlier, and the dishes were unbelievable. Lemon risotto, something I saw, some crazy stuff. On Facebook, she's thegirlwithapan.

On Instagram and Facebook, just look up thegirlwithapan. That's Elise Lane. Follow her on Twitter. She's unbelievable. Mix some good food into your life, people. Oh, shit. And if you're having a party, have her cater it, man. Have her cater some awesome... This is like legit

food. This isn't like chicken or chipotle. Right. This is hard going to a nice restaurant and having it catered. I was very surprised with how delicious it was. Thank you very much. And we're definitely going to have her back anytime we have guests that are foodies on. And I was very surprised with how delicious it was. Thank you very much. We're definitely going to have her back anytime we have guests that are foodies

on. I'm very excited about our new partnership with Elise. For all you comedians in the room, if you ever make it big, hire Elise for a party. 17 years from now when one of you makes it big, hire Elise.

Or her daughter. She might have a daughter at that time. Elise Jr. I'm so excited. It was another fun weekend. I was out of town in San Francisco. There's a lot of shakeup here at the Comedy Store. A big, big, big, crazy shift in power and momentum as a Kill Tony special consultant.

He was on a few episodes. Tommy Morris is no longer with the Comedy Store. He was the talent coordinator here since I've been here, and for the last about ten years, he was under the tutelage of the great Mitzi Shore. And now Adam Egott is the new talent coordinator of the Comedy Store. An amazing maneuver. Very cool guy.

Very hip. Very awesome. Every adjective I need to call him for my spots to continue happening here. He's got a huge dick. He's not standing in the back right now. Beautiful. Always well dressed. Hilarious.

Best skin ever. I mean... But what's amazing is we had Tommy on a few episodes as a consultant, but Adam was actually on an episode just a few weeks ago with Andrew Santino, and that's available out there on iTunes and at deathsquad.tv. You can watch it and see how some of you young comedians can see how the new talent coordinator thinks about stuff. Go back and watch that. Check out his taste.

And it's been very interesting here. Tony, you missed this whole weekend, but I had to make it here. If you guys hang out at the Comedy Store, now's the time to be hanging out here. So much nonsense, like craziness is happening. People are coming, like Tosh was here the other day. All these

comics that you haven't seen here are just suddenly appearing here now because of the news. So this is an exciting time for the comedy store. So just start showing up here, guys. It's going to be pretty... I bet you anything this week we're going to see something insane.

Me and you already know about it, I think. We probably shouldn't say it. We probably shouldn't say it. We'll talk about it next week. Because somebody might think. We probably shouldn't say it. We'll talk about it next week because somebody might be coming back to the comedy

store. We're not going to name any names but anybody that knows me and Brian and sees our excitement could probably make some... Anyway, let's just move forward. Connect the dots. Great stuff happening here at the Comedy Store, the home of Kill Tony.

That's right. So it was a fun weekend. I was in San Francisco with Jeffrey Ross, and I'm excited to be back. It was a nice, long, gloomy weekend. San Francisco is just the worst weather you've ever imagined in your life. Like, they say Seattle's more depressing, but I think San Fran's a little bit more depressing

because it doesn't have that depressing stigma. So, like, you're thinking that it might be nice when you get there, and it's not nice at all. San Francisco's weather is garbage, and I was excited to tell them that from on stage. I just completely destroyed them. I talked about how the pot's not even strong enough there.

Are you serious? Well, I mean, it is, but I'm saying the pot's not strong enough for San Francisco to be fun. I kept telling them that. They're a smart crowd, and they like taking jokes.

It was also a Jeff Ross crowd, so they like getting made They like taking jokes. And it's also, it was also, you know, a Jeff Ross crowd. So they like getting made fun of. But man, San Fran can't really take it when you're just being honest with them. Like, your city sort of sucks. And they're like, well, why don't you go back to fucking LA? And it's like, no, I will. I like sunlight. Yeah, I like San Fran.

But you're right. The weather is always awful there. And it's so expensive. I just don't understand why people move up there and pay more money for less sun. It's crazy. Makes no sense. It's crazy.

Yeah. San Fran, I love you. Good people. But build a fucking machine to break up the clouds or something. It's just, if you're that fancy of a city and you're that way ahead of the time, build a cloud breaker. The cloud breaker.

That sounds like a cool name for something. Cloud breaker. Hiding in the red corner. Raymond, the cloud breaker. Doesn't even matter the last name. You don't even need a last name if you have the nickname the cloud breaker. Speaking of powerful people with fancy nicknames,

we always have a head of security on the show. This is somebody's first time doing this position. For those of you new to the show, we've always had a head of security. It used to be a man that went by the name of The Iron Patriot, who quit around episode 30 saying he got too big for the show. At that point, we decided to show him exactly how replaceable he is by hiring a brand new replacement each week.

This week will be no different. A very special patriot. For those of you that have listened for a long time, you might recognize him as a very fun, young, rising comedian named Scott Kidd, but tonight he is the Kid Patriot. A brand new Patriot. Kid, how you doing?

Good. How are you guys doing? Wow, strong voice. Yeah, probably one of the more confident Patriots we've ever had. Fuck yeah. Wow, okay. of the more confident patriots we've ever had. Fuck yeah. Wow, okay. You really got the rhythm down. Is this your first time dressing up like a superhero?

No, actually, it's not. I've been Robin, Superman, Green Lantern, and I think that's it. Have you been any superhero that doesn't wear underwear over their pants? No, no, that's prerequisite. So this is a first for you. Actually, yeah. Very good. Well, welcome. I'm glad we got you all wired for sound. And how's everything else?

You good? You cozy? Good. You have the classic school shooter black Adidas with white striped shoes. You can't hide those. No, never. Fuck yeah. Well, I like your style. We have a very exciting show, and I'm glad that you're with us. I'm going to pack up this gourmet food from Elise Lane, because this got left here.

Delicious gourmet food. A private chef for hire. You can also call her at her home number. No, I'm kidding. Just kidding, guys. I wouldn't do that. Let's get this out of the way. Scott, you're excited? You ready for this?

Now, Scott's one of the first people that actually asked to be the Patriot before I asked them. He actually messaged me via Facebook today, and for some reason, something in my gut, and I'm not sure why or what, told me to go with it. Hell yeah. Thank you. Now why is it that you were looking forward to being the Patriot so much? Well, you know, I'm just that

kind of goofy guy. I felt like I could fit the character. Okay, let's move on. Now what I love though is that if you know anything about the show, you also know that the Patriot's only real job is to have a question for whichever two guests are on that episode. Now, what I loved about what happened today is I go,

you have questions for our guests, right? For our guests, right? And he goes, yeah, yeah, totally. I go, okay, let's just give this a run through. What are your questions? And he goes, well, for Rick Glassman, I'm going to ask this, and for Brent Morin, I'm going to ask this. I go, fuckhead, those were last week's guests.

So he already blew it ten minutes before the show started and I updated him that he's confused because our guests are the other two stars of the hit show, Undateable on NBC, which just got picked up for season two. Season two!

Some people say that's coincidence that I had the cast members on one week and then the next week and it got picked up in between. But we call that the Kill Tony bump. Put your hands together for the great Chris Dilley and Ron Funches are here. Radio advised. With every one of those late night stations

playing songs bringing tears to my eyes. I was seriously thinking about hiding a receiver. Now, I say the whole undateable thing, but we've all been doing stand-up together for a long time. That's right. And I'm so glad that you guys are here because this is a very stand-up-oriented podcast. And you guys are awesome.

How are you guys feeling? Good. I feel good. I feel protected. Yeah. You ever work with anything that close to anything that creepy next to you? I wish I could say no. I got him right here.

Patriot Funches. Welcome, Ron. How's it going? Pretty good. Thank you for the delicious meal that you provided. Yes, from Elise Lane. You guys both had a – you guys liked it? Good stuff, right?

Yeah, it was really good. That's awesome. Really good. That's awesome. And good. That's awesome. And Elise is available for hire. She's probably too busy after this bump, right? Heck yeah. The Kill Tony bump.

So how fun. I'm so glad you guys are here. We're going to have a fucking blast, as always. I had the two other guys on last week. You guys work with them a lot. I am attributing our second season, whatever that word is.

Oh, you can't talk, you little bitch. Remember you said you weren't going to do this? I'm sorry. I am attributing our second season pickup to you. Yes. Boom, you heard it here. That's right.

Chris confirmed it. If you have a TV show, people, that needs to get picked up for a second season, I'd be happy to have you on the show. That's right. So let's get into it. Patriot, what are your questions for tonight's guest? Well, I have a question for Ron. Yeah, exactly.

Ron, you're such a likable guy. I was wondering, what do you think or what do you feel was the best decision that you made in your comedy career? That's like a really good question. Yeah. It's a deep question. From a guy dressed up. Yeah. Thank you, Iron Patriot.

The guy wearing five-year-old's pajamas. It's a deep question. From a guy dressed up. Yeah. Thank you, Iron Patriot. The guy wearing five-year-old's pajamas. It's a deep question. Probably just staying in Portland and doing comedy in Portland was a big deal for me because there wasn't really any map on how to do it. So people just kind of did whatever made them happy, what made them laugh. And I didn't go out and do like, kind of the pre-way to do it before that was to go out and do triple runs in Minnesota, or Montana and shitty places. And I was just like, I'm not going to do that.

I'd rather just stay in the city and just work on my act and not worry about getting 50 bucks and just focus on getting better. I think that was probably the best decision. How much time did you spend in Portland before leaving there? Six years. Wow. So you you spend in Portland before leaving there? Six years. Wow. So you got professional there.

Yeah. I mean, I was doing stuff. I had already been on Conan before I left Portland. Wow. So you worked it all out there. When you first started stand-up, were you talking really fast and stuff? And you're like... I was doing regular stuff.

I was doing like, who's drinking the night? I still do that, but yeah. And then I was like, oh, well don't offer me anything because I'm allergic. That's a good punchline. Yeah. They loved it.

Patriot, what's your question for Chris? Chris. You had a good one for him. You better not fuck this up. We'll see. Chris, you're noted as having the influences of Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy. Sure.

Let's just say some magical miracle occurs where you could go back in time and play either one of them in one of their movies. Which role would you choose? This guy's coming correct, dude. Yeah, that was a great question. Jesus Christ. For not knowing who the guests were until five minutes ago,

you really... You got a smartphone. You just Googled that shit, huh? Yeah, it's on my Wikipedia. I just saw that. I would pick for sure Beverly Hills Cop. Absolutely.

One of my favorite movies of all time. I'd like to see that. Definitely. But the one where they went to Magic Mountain. That's the one I like. You just want to go to Magic Mountain. You's the one I like. You just want to go to Magic Mountain. You can just get a ticket. Yeah.

But I want to go when there's nobody there. Yeah, right. Well, that actually just inspired a question for me. If you were to play Jim Carrey's character in Dumb and Dumber, who would you want your Jeff Daniels to be? You have one in mind? Oh, that's a good question.

Fuck, that's a good question. Fuck, that's a good question. Not Brent Morin. How about that? That's my answer. That's a perfect answer. That's a perfect answer. Let's get into the show. You guys ready for Kill Tony 64?

Over 20 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do one minute men talk shop with me, Red Band, the guests, and even little Patriot Boy over there. And we are going to do that. What? Did you just malfunction? Comedians, come up when I say your name,

and you know that you get one minute of stage time, and you know that your minute is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You can barely hear it. Listen to how quiet that little baby kitty is. Did somebody just squeeze a real kitty? Listen to that kitty one more time so you don't get confused. There you go. That's way louder.

That's when your time is up. That means wrap it up then. You can't run the time or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. God, he is furious tonight. Why didn't you mention the owl that hangs out with the bear? There's always little animals hanging out with him each week. It's always something different.

I was surprised to hear an owl in that one. I'm trying to be more bird-friendly. I like that. with them each week. It's always something different. I was surprised to hear an owl in that one. I'm trying to be more bird friendly. I like that. Yeah. Oh, I see. Well, good to know. It's a good goal. Guys, are you excited?

This is Kill Tony number 64. Let's get it on. Going up first. Doing a minute. Put your hands together for Sierra Cattell. Okay, go get her. Now, what's interesting, we're going to kill some time here for a second

because Sierra Cattell, I happen to know, is one of the only comedians under 21 that signed up for the show. So what that means is since it's a 21 and over club, she's outside right now waiting, hoping that her name just got pulled out of a bucket. Little does she know that it actually did.

It's not the best for a live show to have somebody waiting on the front patio. Is she five? How old is she? I would like... I think she's... 19 or 20. I'd love to see a five-year-old do stand-up. She's totally

relatable for me. She's totally relatable For me She's real blue Told my fucking mom to suck my dick Patriot's hand is up This should be interesting I just happened to notice I think her birthday was a couple days ago Well you're a creepy guy

And the end of that sentence was And now she's too old Experience together Sierra Cattell everybody Here she is And the end of that sentence was, and now she's too old. Experience together. All right, Sierra Cattell, everybody. Here she is. Cool. Hey, folks.

This is really exciting. This is a little different for me. I'm used to running my jokes by my grandma. I don't know if you guys do this too. Maybe run your jokes by my grandma. Yeah. And if she laughs, then I know it's funny and I'll come up here and perform it for you guys. And then if she doesn't laugh, I perform it anyway.

It's like, what the hell does she know, right? She doesn't even speak English. So I don't know why. No, actually, my grandma used to love coming to my shows. And, you know, after a while, it kind of got annoying. So I was like, gotta stay home, grandma. You know what I mean? Like, no more coming to my shows. But, you know, she found a loophole, as grandmas do, right? And then she died, and now she's always watching my shows. Damn it, Grandma. She's so clever and so dead.

I don't know. Yeah, a little bit about me. So I'm in college right now, but I did well in high school. I was valedictorian class president, but, you know, those are just some of the perks of being here. The bear.

She brought out the bear. That was fun, Sierra. I even gave her two meows because she's so adorbs. Totes adorbs. So much fun. Hell yeah. How old are you, Sierra? I turned 20 last Saturday. Wow.

Patriot was right. It makes it that much scarier when you know the Patriots out there on Facebook just hawking everybody. Facebook let me know. I wish her a happy birthday. Done deal, guys. Done. That's the wrong time to say done deal.

I realize that. That doesn't go there. Done deal just says that it's not a done deal. That means that you did some more Googling after that. But Sierra's only 20. Let's not scare her away from comedy for good, Patriot. Have you been getting up? Have you been getting up? Have you been getting spots?

Yeah, totally. What main clubs are you going to? They let me do the Laugh Factory every Tuesday. Oh, no, don't tell the time, because the Patriot's going to come find you, remember. At 6 a.m. Yeah, yeah. I did Flappers last Sunday. I don't know just anything i can do i come here every monday and sit out in the patio and just look weird that's great we need to get you

a fake fake id though yeah yeah because half of half of being a stand-up especially is is watching comedy do you watch a lot of comedy yeah i mean like laugh factory lets me sit in the back all the time so i you know it's only really here that's super strict yeah and sometimes the uh which you know i understand um which and then let's see the improv um for the most part i was able to go to their open mics and everything be fine but i think they started moving it to like the bar so then i kind of one time i just went in and was like oh yeah I'm 21 what and then another time you know I just sat outside and drew on a table I mean on a pad

I don't know. You didn't vandalize is what you're saying. Yeah yeah it was fine. Are you Banksy? That'd be cool. Are you wait so how long have you been doing stand up? About okay I first went up when I was 16 I do it on and off not so much during the how long have you been doing stand-up? I first went up when I was 16. I do it on and off. Not so much

during the school year when I'm at college. You go to Harvard. You do? I brought you guys to the Lampoon. Yes. Oh, yeah. That's right. I thought I just recognized her from here.

That's right. It's fun. I got to take Bong here to the castle because of you. Yeah, that was neat. And that's for real. He wasn't high. That really happened. They were great.

So you ran into these guys on campus? They were doing their Undateable tour and were performing at Laugh Boston nearby. So I just got them to come by the castle. Awesome. And they gave me that award that I rubbed into the cast every day since then. Yeah, good. That's the idea. That's some real Harvard skull and bone shit right there.

Yeah, it was cool. Taking them to a castle. Yeah, it was very cool. Yeah, yeah. That's a big part of the comedy culture. So you've always wanted to do stand-up or what? Pretty much. I mean, when I started, I felt like I wanted to do it, and then I went to school, and I continued doing it at school.

And then every time I, you know, every summer and winter break, I come back here to pursue a market since I started here. But I try to do it in Boston. There's good rooms out there, right? Yeah, there's a lot going on out there. It's really cool. The community is tight, So it's fun. Do you do any drugs?

Because I kind of feel like you're really funny but I want to see you on drugs. You know, I don't do any hard drugs. Still figuring out the underage drinking thing. I don't know. I don't know. It's all... I don't know. You should just dabble for a little bit. Ron, first of all, Ron.

Come on, man. She's not even 21. And what the fuck are you doing, Patriot? Help. He's told her to do drugs and Patriot's just look at his palms I couldn't remember what hard drugs were drugs are drugs I'm sorry

that's actually the truest thing you said did your grandmother really die? no but she's gonna one's still going strong the other one did pass away before I was born too soon that's your grandma's name

too soon Sierra Catao everybody congratulations you did great great set fun times Sierra I think you dropped something on this stage

I think you I don't know what that is. It might be a receipt for... Follow her on Twitter, listeners. She's Sierra Catow. Sierra, K-A-T-O-W. All one word. You can follow her on Twitter.

Maybe pull a Patriot. Find out when her next birthday is. Follow her closely. I can't believe the comedy store is this strict one. I know, right? What the fuck? The only thing they protect is their liquor license. You can jizz on the walls,

but if you're not 21, get the fuck out. That's the store for you. Maybe we can get Ico's ID or something. Somebody like that. Yeah, that's true. I'm sure she could pass as just any random Asian girl. Maybe Bobby Lee. Put your hands together for your next comic.

It's Zach Kirby. Zach Kirby. This might be him walking up right now. Here it is, Zach Kirby. Ooh, we're confident. He's joking. Hey, everyone. I just graduated from junior college.

Is there anyone here in college? Whenever I was in the bathrooms at my junior college, I couldn't help but notice some of the most offensive statements I've ever read in my entire life always happened to be graffitied upon those stall walls at my local junior college.

One time I went into the bathroom stall either before or in the middle of class to take a shit, and someone had literally written on the wall in Sharpie and in all caps, I fucking hate blind people as i was sitting there my cheeks spread wide open to allow the previous night's baja fresh to flow like in and out spread out of the end of my bowels all i could think to myself was one

why did this guy hate blind people so much what did he have against them and two was he talking about like like Asian drivers or actual blind people? So I go to wipe and I realize that there's no more toilet paper in the stall that I'm in and the bathroom is packed. There you go. 58 seconds of thunder and lightning. Before the cat.

Beat the cat. Zach, that was interesting. Thank you. It almost seems like a very true, I mean, first of all, I loved how confidently you asked if anybody else just graduated from junior college. You asked that like,

hey, does anybody else like sunlight and water? Like very casual. And I liked the pause that he didn't give after he asked the question. The not waiting for the answer was good. I actually said those two lines out of order. Oh. Oh, that's amazing. Very descriptive.

Oh, yeah. It was very descriptive. I think I'm dirty, but you're really just talking about opening up your butthole and letting... Baja Fresh really painted a picture there. Yeah. You made it sound like you poop differently than everybody else. I had an experience with Baja Fresh, so I had to throw that in. You had what?

I had an experience with Baja Fresh, so I felt like I should throw that in. What, did you get molested there? What happened? It gave me a really big bathroom experience. Every since then. At the actual Baja Fresh bathroom? No, the next day.

I had eaten Baja Fresh one night, and then the next day, I had an explosive experience. It, the next day, like, I had eaten Baja Fresh one night, and then the next day, like, I had an explosive experience. It was the next day? Yeah, the next morning. You have a pretty strong system to be able to hold Baja Fresh in overnight. I didn't really know that you could have it. I was just waiting until the last possible moment. We're coming out, but wait, we're not ready.

You're going to have horrible diarrhea in about 24 hours. The beans aren't here yet. Bunch up, we're out. You walked very slowly up here, meticulously. And I noticed you were also walking next to a guy that was wearing another Dodgers shirt. Was that your friend, or was that just a coincidence? He was just in my way.

That's why I walked so slowly. How many times have you been on stage? This is my first time. First time? There you go. We did it again. That's awesome. Popped another cherry here on Kill Tony.

How fun. The timing thing is the biggest thing. At the beginning, you really have to be comfortable. Either that or you could be that awkward and kill in two seconds. But that's going to be hard to mimic. Right. That exact... I don't know if it was on purpose or a complete coincidence.

I was just going with the flow. If you always do that, you're going to have a lot of fun. Just vibing with the room. First time on stage and you were getting hard laughs from the four of us in about two and a half seconds. We all know it wasn't like that, though. It wasn't punchline related. It's true. In fact, during one of the only strategic punchlines

I thought was the least exciting part, and that was the bad drivers, was the blind or bad drivers. Like you brought in a, or Asian drivers, you brought in like a topic out of nowhere when everything else sort of painted a real picture. That was the one line that I wasn't sure on. That was the one line. That was the one line that I wasn't sure on. That was the one line.

That was the one line. Yeah, I probably would ax that line. I mean, that's, you know, Asian driver joke. Come on. That's, you know. Right. When you already have them committed to Baja Fresh and all that other stuff, there's no reason to go. And I'm taking a shit,

and the Baja Fresh is coming out of my butt, and then a chicken crossed the road, and I'm like, what? You know, you don't reason to go and I'm taking a shit and a Baja Fresh is coming out of my butt and then a chicken crossed the road and I'm like what? You don't need to go you don't want to go backwards. He's like well it really happened. Wait so

but also but also how old are you? I'm 23. Alright so you're young and you got on stage for the first time so really the only thing that you could do

that would help you is to just get on stage as much as possible. Yeah. To tell you do this, do that, it's just like kind of moot. Totally. You just gotta keep doing it. Is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do?

Not really. I just keep eating Baja Fresh. I got really into stand-up when I was in high school and I thought I could do it, but I didn't try. I started listening to your show a couple months ago. This show? This show, and it made me decide to go ahead and write my first minute. That's cool.

Hey, look at you, inspiring people. I've signed up like five times and finally got on. Wow. That's cool, dude. That's so cool, man. That's fucking awesome. Now just keep on. Wow. That's cool, dude. That's so cool, man. That's fucking awesome. Now just keep on going up. Try to go up at least two or three times a week,

if minimal, Matt. Yeah, for sure. You can find a lot of places that, like there's this laundry place down the street, I think that does it like at midnight, whatever that place is called. I forget it now. But there's all these places to try.

And everything, Watch out for... I'm pretty gross also, but when you're so nude, it's very easy to just go right to being gross. What ends up happening is just making people like, what the fuck is he talking about instead of trying to laugh? They're just like, disgusting.

I don't know. Maybe... I don't know. I've heard your comedy material yeah I know I know but what I'm saying is I'm very dirty

I have a whole hour of poop material but it's really hard to I guess it's hard to do that shit without it being just... It has to be funny and gross. It's really hard to do those two together. I was going for the

descriptiveness in that. It sounded like a commentary for a really disturbing movie or something. Well, Zach, you did it, man. Keep doing it. Good job, though. You did it, man. Keep doing it. Yeah, good job, dude. Congratulations. Come back again soon.

That was the first time on stage of Zach Kirby. He's on Twitter, guys, at Zach Cool. Z-A-C-H Cool. So follow him on Twitter, listeners, and then you can see what he does next. Maybe he'll do more stand-ups. He does look like somebody that they would interview on Forensic Files, though.

Oh, yeah, totally. Totally. He's got the school shooter face. I'm talking about casting here. I mean, if I was cast last, I'm saying he should be in a movie. This is Hollywood. Where he plays a school shooter. Right. You know what? I'm saying he should be in a movie. It's Hollywood. Where he plays a school shooter.

Right. You know what? I'm going to ask you guys a question that I always ask first-time guests. Was there ever something that you did when you very first started stand-up that you can't believe you did or that you sort of look back on and you're like, man, that's sort of embarrassing. I can't believe I ever said that or did that. You'd be amazed at the answers that I've gotten.

Oh, I bet, yeah. It's incredible. Chris Porter used to do a thing where he'd come out with no shirt and he didn't even suck his stomach in. And what was it? He's like, oh, I'm the letter C because he's so skinny. Oh, wow. And he's like, I can't believe I did that.

You know, like just a bunch of crazy things. I just, I mean, it's hard to learn and not be shitty you know what I mean so like you have to start shitty so like I remember I mean I would just do all sorts of shit like just sex jokes that were just cheap you know like I mean I would do that always I like would

close with that and you know it just I can't even think about it now it makes me fucking feel terrible. Yeah, me too. He's talking about my jokes. No, I guess, yeah, I can think of things, but it's just painful.

I never had one specific thing that I'm embarrassed. I'm just kind of embarrassed of the first few years. Yeah, just all of it. Yeah. I love it. Ron, anything? Well, I mean, I used to research everything

that I was going to talk about. Because I felt like for some reason if I talked about a joke, someone was going to be like, oh, there's a part of that setup that wasn't true. All right. So I'd just wiki everything

that I was going to talk about. So that was stupid. And then I did, like I said, my first set, I did like three, four minutes on just spelled man boobs. And then I researched this. And so I found out that some people would take women's pantyhose,

cut out the crotch, and put their head through it, and put their arms through the legs as a way to help with man boobs. I was like oh that would be a fun bit and so I would talk about it and then I take my shirt off and I'd be wearing that pantyhose. That's hilarious. Yeah it was ahead of its time. I love I ask if there's anything that you're embarrassed of and you say your best bit when you first started out.

So awesome. Let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Marcos Martinez. Marcos Martinez. Are you coming? Oh shit. You know what that means? It's you, Ben. If you miss your spot on Kill Tony, that means You've been If you miss your spot on Kill Tony

That means you get blacklisted Fuck yeah Is that something that happens regularly Or what the fuck was that Once every episode or two Somebody doesn't show up No no no I mean that Does that happen regularly

No that's completely original. Normally the Patriot, the old Patriot used to go like pew, pew, pew. Oh, got it. You remixed it. Why he turned into a Latino at a donkey show, I'm not exactly sure. I had a good date last night. I'm sorry. You had a what? Good date last night.

I apologize. You had a date? Yeah. With a nine-year-old. This guy. You really went on a date last night? Yeah, man. Tell us about that. Did you get a Baja Fresh? No Taco Bell.

She was very disappointed. I bet she wasn't when you flew her home. What'd you do with this chick, Scott? Time to get real, buddy. You shouldn't have brought up the date if you didn't want the tough guy. Oh, man. I'm kind of poor. Was it a first date?

Well, no shit, because you dressed up as a patriot. See what I mean? It'd be weird if you think that mask off and you were Bill Gates, is all I'm saying. Oh, yeah. She wasn't into the whole going Dutch thing. Yeah. So, yeah.

Wow, dude. At some point, she started screaming at me, and I heard this great accent, and I was like, I have to emulate that. Wow. You know? Get out of here! Dude, you need your own podcast, man. Yeah.

Absolutely. We're going to get you a spinoff, Scott Kidd, whatever it takes. Thank you. So you went on a date with a Latina chick, and at the end she screamed at you. Yes, yes, because of the Taco Bell and because of not going to lunch. Oh, you really took her to Taco Bell? Hey, man, I make mistakes. I'm only half human.

All right, you son of a bitch. I actually appreciate that. Thank you for saying that. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Hopefully he's here. Put your hands together for Jared Campbell. Here. Here.

Cedar is the center of it all. Funny. I used to be really, really good at football. I played in the NFL for like three weeks. It was actually really cool. But they cut me, man. That was the toughest shit I ever dealt with, was getting cut.

Like, it was traumatizing. Because, like, when I got signed, it was real publicized all along the TV and internet. Like, I got, like, 400 Facebook notifications. Like, good job, oh, my God, congratulations. Don't forget about a stranger. And when I got cut, it wasn't really publicized, so nobody knew.

So I'm getting text messages, like, week 10 from girls, like, good luck on your game today, Jared. And I'm like, in what, Madden, bitch? And what's tough is like my brother, I had a brother that was like the star of the team, and I was like trying to make the team. So when I got cut, my mom didn't really understand how that worked. She's like, uh-uh, you go back in there, you tell them that I said they can't have one of my boys. They need to take both of my boys or none of my boys. You got to be ambitious.

Go tell them they work for free. We good? All right. That was a minute. That's the cap. But I want to hear the rest of this since you're in one topic. Keep going. It's a newer joke, but basically I finish it like I go up there and I go, well, my mama told me to tell y'all that y'all can't have just one of her sons.

You want both of our boys. You got to take us. And I'm like, come on, Claire, let's go. I'm about to work for free. It's a newer joke. Just being honest. Just being honest. Gotcha. Well, I love that. Yeah, and that's so true, right? You were at the University of Miami. You were a Hurricane, if I remember correctly. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Did you? And then you got picked up by the NFL.

Yes, sir. Arizona Cardinals. That's got to be crazy, huh? That's pretty dope. And then what happens? What went wrong? Yeah, for three weeks. I got cut.

I made it all the way to the final cut. So I thought I was going to make the team. They told me, hey, we need your playbook. I kept working out for like a year. Nothing happened. Moved to LA. And you always wanted to do stand-up or what? I started stand-up in college, but I really couldn't do it with football.

Right, of course. And after I got cut, I wasn't doing shit, so I said. You've been doing it for a while, though, yeah? I did it for like, probably like ten times while I was in college. Oh, really? Yeah. He's really confident. Yeah, you have a good night's sleep.

I've been out here for two years now. Doing stand-up? Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool, yeah. Yeah, you're very engaging. That's very cool.

And I love that you're talking about real stuff. Nobody else. No, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool, yeah. Yeah, you're very engaging. That's very cool. And I love that you're talking about real stuff. Nobody else. No, I mean like. Yeah, no, I agree. You're confident. You're good. I mean, yeah. Yeah, nobody else can talk about the stuff that you're talking about.

Yeah, that's true. With that, for sure. Yeah, but I also kind of want to hear things outside of football, too. Like what makes you scared? That is a great question. You did have a whole minute you could have hit a few topics I like that question though what does make you scared shit

scared of big ass dogs that's relatable what else That's relatable What else? Shit Scared of heights and shit like that man On like cliffs and all that good stuff Imagine a big ass dog on a cliff Scary

Scary Scary. Anything else scare you? This is a great question, Ron, because it is amazing to hear, especially after just knowing that he's a former NFL football player. That's great. Both things got laughs. You know what I mean? Both dogs and

cliffs because it's so funny to know that some guy that can probably run a 4-5-40 is afraid of a cliff or a dog. Yeah. I was real serious with my critiques. Absolutely. Fuck yeah.

I love it, man. So you're out here now to be a comic yep full time you doing a lot of spots and stuff you treating it like football do you think football helped you with that work ethic wise yeah I try to get on like three stages

I stay up late wake up early keep at it I like your style Jared funny stuff fun times. Jared Campbell, everybody. He's on Twitter at Jared Kwai. It's all one word. Jared, Q-U-A-Y.

Jared's been on a few times. Always fun, always different. It's fun. We've had a couple people that I actually remember, like Miami Hurricanes Jared and Harvard Sierra Cattell. She's funny. She's going to Harvard. She's going to fucking... Yeah, she's good. She's going to kill in life.

Put your hands together for your next comedian. It's Jonathan Tumblin. Oh, I'm sorry. You can't go on twice. No, I'm kidding. I'm sorry. You can't go on twice. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. One block after another. Don't be tumbling, everybody.

Restart the clock. I had to say it. I'm sorry. Don't let him shake you up. No, I know he can shake me, man. I've been out here in L.A. for a while, man. I noticed that people come out to L.A. They think they're going to spot celebrities wherever they go and shit.

And I was in a situation. I was at the Beverly Center, and these three Asian girls came up to me. They were like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's you. And I'm like, who the fuck are you talking about? They're like, it's you. You're the guy from Transformers, right? You're Tyrese.

I'm like, yeah. Yeah, I'm Tyrese. And I'm standing there like, wow, oh my God, I really want a picture with you. And I'm like, I'll take the picture if I can take at least one of y'all out to dinner.

So I make arrangements. I'm on my way to get the girls. I'm trying to think, where would Tyrese take a girl where they got good food, drinks, and nice atmosphere and shit? So I take the bitch to Chipotle. I take her to

Chipotle halfway through the date. She's thinking, like, oh, my God, you can't be Tyrese. Why'd you lie to me like that? And I'm like, I'm sorry. You know what? My name's Jonathan. But I didn't lie to you, bitch. You're just a racist because all niggas don't look alike. That's it. There you go.

Exactly a minute. It's great that your minute worked out with me being that chick in the beginning and completely racially stereotyping you. It happens, man. Who did she think you were in Transformers, though? Tyrese. Just the one black guy. The lonely black guy. I get mistaken for

every black guy that's doing well in life. You ever get mistaken for Ron Funches? If I gained some pounds. If I gained some pounds, I might be. What is... This really happened? Yeah, this really happened to me. God, you don't look like Tyrese.

I know, man. That's why it's extremely racist. No, it's nothing like Tyrese. I mean, they got the squint, you know what I'm saying? Asian girls do, like, they look for stars hard out here. In fact, one time, a couple of them came up to me and thought I was Tyrese.

So, I mean, they'll really rationalize in their head what they think they're seeing. Jonathan, how long have you been doing stand-up? A year and a half, Tony. I'm going to steal a great question from my friend Ron Funches and ask you what scares you?

Clowns and white women. No, no. What scares you? I'm scared of clowns for real, man. That's weird what do you mean I always wonder when people say that like what do you mean

I saw it at a very young age okay but so you mean like if somebody like the demonic clown not like I'm scared of a demonic clown it's like the run of the mill demonic clown

you're gonna add demon to anything it's scary scared of Ikea well demonic Ikea running the mill demonic clown. You're going to add demon to anything that's scary. Scared of Ikea. Well, demonic Ikea. So, if you're like, if you see a guy dressed as a clown, you'd be like, yo, don't, like,

for real. Don't touch, like, don't get close to me. Because what do you think is going to happen? It's just an irrational fear of one. No, I understand that, but you're irrationally afraid of clowns? Yeah, man. I don't know. Yeah. No, I just...

Yeah, no, I know it's a common fear. I just... Yeah, man, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. How badly I wish I could fucking, like, Uber a clown here right now just to watch you beat the shit out of him, like watch his red nose fly off across the room. It would be bad. Oh, you can't beat a clown's ass, dude.

You'll fucking scar children for life. That's true. Clowns be bad. Oh, you can't beat a clown's ass, dude. You'll fucking scar children for life. That's true. I mean, clowns scar children. Oh, I see. So anyway, he's thinking about, he's like a super, you and Patriot can, no, he's got electricity on his hands.

Fuck yeah, clowns. That's an interesting one. I had an ex, I have an ex-girlfriend who's terribly afraid of clowns. But she's afraid because she had a mean dentist when she was a kid, like a little kid. And there were pictures of these happy clowns in his office. Oh, really?

I had the same dentist, and it sort of freaked me out, too. It didn't last forever. But it's true. There is something about, like about in fact, when the clown is in human form, I can handle it. If there was a guy dressed like a clown, it's like, alright, creepy. Get away from me, but I'm not going to beat

his ass. The fear of clowns, though, kind of makes me scared. I don't like women with makeup either. It's like, what are you hiding from, yo? I think we're getting to the root of all of this. I agree with him with the makeup. Can we talk about your mother a little bit?

Hold on. Mom's right here, man. She's close to me. Hell yeah. Jonathan, we found out a lot about you. It was fun times. Always. Keep rocking.

Yes, sir. I was saying, like, human clowns don't scare me that much. But, like, a picture, like, if I had to sleep in a bedroom and there was a picture of a clown on the wall, I'd be up for an extra three hours, like, fucking just staring at the picture. Why is the microphone near Paige's dick? No, for real, what is that? The original Patriot, he had a $5,000

robot suit. His microphone, for some reason, and the positioning of it all was right there at his crotch. When we recast New Patriot in an outfit completely bought off Amazon Prime for $15, we decided that one of the only traditions we would

also keep is keeping the speaker box at the crotch. I knew I was going to be upset that I asked that. I love it. You're doing a great job, Patriot. I'm actually very surprised. Put your hands together for Scott Kidd, everybody. He's killing it over there. So much fun.

I just got to work with this kid this weekend. He's a favorite here on Kill Tony, a one-liner specialist. Put your hands together for Gabriel Killian, everybody. I want to open up a tattoo parlor that specializes in breast tattoos. Gonna call it tit for tat. I grew up pretty broke, man. Every year I had to pitch in on my own birthday present.

Times got so tough, I once stole an old lady's purse. I was disappointed because she barely had a few dollars in it. But the spinning roundhouse kick I knocked her out with, totally fucking worth it. I've had my ups and downs in life, man. Mostly downs.

It's been rough, but I can hold my head high knowing that even during the worst of times, during my lowest points, I never, not once, ever forgot about Dre. Fuck yeah. there it is respect I love that it's almost

you can't tell he's Armenian until after the set when he just goes to the mic and goes respect so funny always Gabe you must have a crazy writing process because you've done a lot of different minutes

on this show at least five or six times right? more than that yeah and usually most of the jokes kill when it doesn't end with spinning roundhouse kick that was what we call a misdirect I love

your style though though, Gabe. Gabe pulled an interesting maneuver this weekend. I was in San Francisco with Jeffrey Ross. You guys know what it's like being on the road. You arrive, you drop off the stuff at the hotel, whatever, maybe grab something to eat, you go to the show, right? We arrive at Cobb's Comedy Club and the host is sitting there the host opener you know what I mean he's sitting in the

green room and then there's Gabe Killian sitting on the couch and I'm like Gabe what the fuck's up he goes what's up you know respect what's up and Jeff's like what's up Gabe how you doing man and Gabe immediately just goes hey what's up man

can I do a guest spot? Just like that. To who? To Jeff? Yeah. But luckily, Jeff knew Gabe from doing a spot before the roast battle on a Tuesday night, another popular show here, and Gabe had this crazy Carson moment doing

stand-up before the roast battle a few weeks ago, where everybody in the room is like, who the fuck is that guy? He's just firing off joke after joke like that. He got to do one of the more probably fun nights in your career, right? Got to do a couple spots, sold out cops. Yeah, that's a big room. That's ballsy, man.

I wouldn't even ask. I had a spot there the night before, and I was there the next day, so I figured why not ask? But that's sort of what's funny about it to me, is Gabe is sort of a nervous... I mean, you could tell in your cadence, and the more you know him, the more you know he's a very, very nice, polite, and sort of nervous, humble kind of guy. That's why it was so funny when he just blurted, Jeff Ross is like, hey, what's up, man? Good to see you. And he's just like, hi, hi, hi. Can I do a guest spot? I just wanted to

get it before someone else asked him. No, of course. Well, nobody else ever asks when you're on the road. Nobody else has the balls to do that. So I love that you did that maneuver. I'd like to hear in the future if you try that again. But you knew Jeff. He's seen you, right?

Yeah. Hey, good on you, man. That was great. And he did two five-minute guest sets and killed in front of sold-out crowds. And he just had another fun set here. Thank you, Gabriel Killian. The killer, Gabe Killian. He's on Twitter

at Gabriel Killian. All one word. Oh, yeah, Jonathan Tumblin is jshurlockt. Oh, there you go. Fuck yeah. All right. jshurlockt and Jared Quay was Jared Campbell. Jared Q-U-A-Y.

Okay, sure. Who cares about the enunciation? You don't enunciate shit on Twitter yet. Yeah. And Gabe is at Gabriel Killian. And we're rolling along. Here we go. We're getting a lot of people up.

This is fun. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jordan Perry. Oh, shit. You know what that means. Jordan Perry. Don't let him go, Chris. I fucking hate that shit. How do you rationalize that one?

I know an Asian chick didn't let you go on a date with her. You can't do your own awe. I can? No, that's not how awes work. They do it in the south. I got stood up. Awe. Done deal.

You especially can't do your own awe if there's an actual audience here. It's up to the audience. All right. Let's hope this next person's here.

Put your hands together for Cal Verducci Oh shit, you know what that means Oh for fuck's sake Oh my god I fucking hate that I'm so sorry podcast listeners that you have to go through this People kill for these spots It's so funny Sorry, podcast listeners, that you have to go through this.

People kill for these spots. It's so funny. I had a few comedians come up to me earlier, and they're like, hey, can you get me on Kill Tony? And I'm like, it's a bucket. No. It's an actual. This guy's writing down fake names so he can do that fucking shit. You son of a bitch. Verducci is the name I would write.

Fake, you know? That does sound fake. Yeah. Cal Verducci. Like, that's the. Fake, you know? That does sound fake. Yeah. Cal Verducci. Like, that's the whitest first name with the most Italian last name. Let's try it again. Michael Gaudi. Here he comes.

Another Dodger. Okay. I'm going to keep it real. I've been doing LA Open Mics for almost four years, and it's mostly just five guys just jerking off to internet porn while sharing headphones. So 40 people plus fucking Chris D'Elia, I am nervous out of my fucking mind.

But we'll get through this. I will get through this, I hope. I was born in Florida. I was raised mostly in Georgia the first 13 years of my life. We had a lot of woods in our backyard. When I would go out, my mom would say, where are my clothes because the drunk hunters might mistake you for game. I've been moderately to severely drunk up here, and I can tell you guys, you've never looked like a room

full of deer to me. My dad called me the other day and said, your cousin's having pancreas surgery because alcoholism, of course, runs in our family. And can you believe he drank that much? And I'm like, yes, because I've seen his wife. I would be in a state of near unconsciousness every fucking day of my life. Oh, man. Oh, man.

I love it. Michael Gowdy. Thank you for dressing up in your cum shorts. I never wash my pants. Oh my god. Your cum shorts. It's from LA Open Mic. I've never even heard the terminology

cum shorts before, but that's exactly what those are. That's food stains, god damn it. That's food stains. For you listeners, it's a bathing suit that rides up to us.

That rides above his knees and has what appears to be white stains on there. Even if it's not cum, when you put those on, you've got to be like, I can't wear these because it looks like there's cum on them. This guy was just like, fuck it, and put them on. Nobody's going to believe you when you go, no, no, it's not actual cum. All right, well, then lay off the Cinnabon, you know what I mean?

Whatever icing is going on there. Stop feeding your penis food. Especially powdered donuts. I was going to thank you for putting out these podcasts, but fuck that shit. Oh, I love your style, Michael. Thank you, Jonah, thank you. What I really love is that you didn't really start until 30 seconds in. You were talking about how

nervous you were and what other open mics were like. Because this guy's a fucking legend. Am I right? No, you're not right. You are not right. But, I appreciate the compliment, but you are not right, number one. And number two, it was, it made me be on his side when he said that.

Oh yeah, totally. I love it Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost four years, Tony Two months, it'll be four years Oh, that's awesome Okay, and how much do you get up? How often do you get up?

About three times a week on average All right, well that's That's so cool Do you wear swimming trunks every time? Or yeah, I just have two pairs of shorts, believe it or not. You have two pairs of shorts? Yes. No pants.

You don't wear pants? Very rarely. Well, if it's real cold, you wear pants. Yes. I'd hate to see the pair of shorts you don't wear to the comedy scene. Those actually have shit and blood on them too I'm going to the comedy store I'm going to wear my good shorts

Shitty or cummy? Let's go with cummy You can't smell I'm going to be in front of Chris D'Elia tonight Let's go with Cummy I'm going to be in front of Chris D'Elia tonight let's go with Cummy oh my god I love it one of the kill Tony trademarks is that we always

tell people to not wear shorts on stage, but I think we're going to stick with you keep rocking those shorts, Michael. It won't be washed in a week. I love it. You could be the come short comedian. Your last bit, I don't remember anymore, but it was good. The uncle that drinks because of it.

Yeah, it was real personal. You were like, oh, you know he hates that lady. Yeah, it was pretty harsh. Yeah, I liked it. Are you from LA? No, I lived in Georgia for 13 years and moved to Detroit, Michigan. Two Midwesterners over here.

Screw blue. I mean, you know and i mean i'm just i'm just floating this out there is that what i the direction i thought you were going in which i thought would have been funnier than comparing it to the room and you could take this or leave it or whatever but i thought you were saying that when your mom told you that people might confuse you for game that you were going going to talk about how that's not a confidence builder to hear when you're a kid, that your mom thinks that you... In your own words and whatever, I think that's an interesting route to take. It's hard to not turn out to be the come-shorts guy when your mom thought that you were a... Your mom

thought you could be confused for an elk or something like that. There was a lot of disrespect when I was a kid. I could definitely go that route. Hell yeah. What else do you do for fun? Besides comment? Yeah, I was going to think you guys were going to say masturbate or something. Yeah, what do you do for fun?

I do collect autographs around L.A., you know, and I try to sell things on eBay, that kind of shit. So you find joy in that, or what? No, I'm not trying to be funny. I'm being serious. Do you like collecting? Is that what? Yeah, I collect autographs. I collect baseball and sports cards. That makes sense,

because your shorts look like they were signed by the Stay Puft Marshmallow. What's your most famous autograph? The one I'm most proud of is I bought recently, like two weeks ago. It's Wayne Gretzky's signed jersey. Oh, wow. That's cool. That's a good one, yeah.

Is there still money in baseball cards, though, nowadays? Is that still a thing? Yeah, definitely. I think the autograph market is booming more than ever, I think. You look surprised, yeah, because everyone wants a selfie, but the autographs are selling for major bucks now.

Would you just say because everyone wants a selfie? Is that what you said? Yeah, because when you meet a celebrity like you, you just, ooh, I'm going to take a selfie. You know what I'm saying. They don't care about the autograph. Yeah, it's interesting. That whole game changed. Yeah. Huh.

Well, fuck yeah, Michael. I love your style. Good job. That's Michael Gowdy, everybody. Michael P. Gowdy. G-O-W-D-Y. Michael was fun, right? He was fun.

How you doing, Ron? You having fun? I'm having a good time. I love your style. I could listen to your voice all fucking day I wish everybody that I talked to had like a headset or whatever

and it came out in your voice whatever they said I would just have a smile all the time I don't like that at all even that was cute totally adorable you know what's interesting to see different comedians like this like that at all. Even that was cute. Totally. Adorable. You know what's interesting, actually, to see is, like,

different comedians like this, that how you feel about them immediately when they step on stage before they even say anything. Right? Yeah. I don't do that when I'm at a show, watching guys. I just, you know, because I know they're professionals, maybe, but it's interesting, like, the feeling you get from certain people.

When you're like, oh, I feel confident in you. Or you're like, oh, I'm really scared for you right now. Exactly. Yeah. For real, though. Or, oh, I gotta wash my shorts sometimes. Yeah. I bet Michael never wears those again.

Good. He's like, he's in the back. I already took them off. He's just in his tighty-whities right now. Oh, we love this young lady. Put your hands together for Klee Wiggins, everybody. Klee! Oh, we don't

love her anymore! Oh, thank God. He's so upset. He's so upset. He's so upset. Even behind the mask. I was reading my Star Wars book in the corner as usual. Not paying attention to the show.

Yeah. Let's see. So I moved in with my boyfriend about a year ago. And in that year, we've had the cops called on us like four times by our neighbors. Because we get in a lot of... Okay, so I don't know if you can tell by looking, but I'm a nerd. My boyfriend's a nerd. He's a black nerd.

And we get in fights about the nerdiest things, but we still argue like two black people. So it's a lot of motherfuckers and niggas. But what we're arguing about is like how to best reboot Buck Rogers. Or why Batman can't be out in the daytime and that's why the Dark Knight sucks. But our white neighbors are not appreciative of this. And the cops come and they say to me like, ma'am, are you okay? And I go, you know what this motherfucker had the nerve to tell me? He said if he reboot Buck Rogers,

Twinkie would be an unnecessary character. Who the fuck is going to carry Dr. Theopolis if you don't have Twinkie? That is some bullshit. It's funny to say it like that. The third time, the cops are no longer coming back because they don't care about our bullshit arguments. Boom. Lee Wiggins.

Black nerd. You did that same bit last time you were on stage, right? Did I? I don't know. I had a stroke last year. I can't remember shit. I think so because I remember, because I don't know what Buck Rogers is.

And I remember that being my note. Yeah, no, I still, since the last time you were on, I haven't gone back and watched or listened to or read whatever Buck Rogers is. I'm not even sure what it is. It's a comic book and a TV show from the 80s. Twinkie was like the twink of Buck Rogers. He was a gay robot

and she's pretty much. Is that true? Is that where that term comes from? I think so. I did it on the first time I came. Twink to me was always a gay robot. Twinkie was his name, not Twinkie. Did I do it the last time?

I thought I did a different one, but maybe I did that one. I don't remember. I honestly don't. It's pretty funny. I think like what we said last time, it is funny having the police come over about getting in a fight and then the fight is just comic book nerd stuff. And they don't care.

Maybe the references you are using for some of the people who have no idea, like Tony, who Buck Rogers is, and you could also maybe just update it a little to, I don't know, Star Wars. Is that true that Batman doesn't go out during the day? Well, according to Ed, Batman should not be seen in the daytime. Therefore, that's why the Christopher Nolan movies suck because he goes

that's common sense that is interesting yeah well yeah he really doesn't Ed and Ron yeah

I think he makes sense wait why does that suck I don't get it because he's the Dark Knight so him fighting Bane at 2pm in the afternoon is somehow

it just doesn't feel right no it's wrong it's all wrong you agree with that yeah because 2 p.m. in the afternoon is somehow... It just doesn't feel right. It's wrong. It's all wrong. You agree with that? Yeah, because he's supposed to be in the shadows. Yeah, but there's shadows in the daytime. There's more shadows. Well, touche. Great fucking point. But I agree. I mean, I like the Gershwin-Nolan. I don't like the first one, but I like the Grewsbury Nolan I don't like

the first one but I like the second two and he hates all of them this turned into like that was actually our

first argument was about Batman this turned into like a fist fight almost what if Batman fucking what if there's

crime going on in the daytime Batman's like oh I can't go out Spider-Man's job right right oh no more Superman

I agree with him I think I mean you should shorten it up a little bit. And maybe not because you're explaining the description first and then giving an example. But maybe I would just give an example. And then I would also have it be a little bit more. Yeah, because I mean, I'm a nerd and the Buck Rogers thing doesn't work for me either. Really?

Because I don't really know who Buck Rogers is, but I knew what she was getting at. So I don't know if the reference really matters. That's sort of my point about continuing, I guess. Because I think now that I recall, I don't listen to the show, and I'm sorry, Tony. All about social. I do recall now

I think I did it when Bobby Lee was here. And I think I kept the reference because it's not about the reference. It's about like, it's a stupid nerdy argument. Yeah, exactly. And like, you know, even like, again,

it's part of the point is like, the cops don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. Right. But it's just like, motherfucker, how the fuck are you going to tell me Twinkie's unnecessary?

Right. Yeah. And this happened the other day when we got an argument. Like, I mean, it happens all the time. Just while we have a whatever. Maybe take it to the next level and just get

crazy geeky about it so even you're kind of proving the point that it's what you're talking about. The longer version of that bit goes into the many arguments. His whole... He gets mad at me. He got mad at me about

we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy I'm that person I tend to go pee like right at the beginning of a movie and then we got in a huge fight about that it turned into a stupid these do sound like real issues yeah it doesn't diminish our love but yeah you really are a nerd

too right like you own that oh yeah I'm a sci-fi nerd what I love is that you are always are a nerd too right like you own that oh yeah yeah i'm a sci-fi what i love is that you are always reading a star wars book that's always like your opening line and i know that it's true because i've seen you with different star wars books and i think there's something really funny in that like how a lot of nerds get stereotyped if you're if you watch Star Wars a lot but if you read Star Wars a lot that's like the fucking trifecta of nerddom. Yeah. Like yeah. Somebody was just asking me downstairs

like what they what I thought about a certain like Star Wars book. I was like oh that one actually is not that good but if you go to the second two if you can power through book 11 of the Legacy of the Force then books 12 and 13 are awesome. This is the part where I kick you out for being such a nerd.

The natural bully in me has to let you go after dropping book 11. Klee, I love you so much. I love you too, Tony. We did it again with Klee. This is the part of the show where we bring on our two regulars.

These two girls do a new minute each week since the show started. So it's always fun to see what they're going to do different and new. And it's always a blast. So let's get it going. Your first one tonight is a college dropout. She was going to the University of Florida. She only had a few semesters left. But then she came on Kill Tony for the first time, and she decided to stay in L.A.

Respect. And her stand-up career started here a little over a year ago. She's here for you right now with another new minute. It's Kimberly Kong. So take it and check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your hip. What's up, guys? How are you? I am in a long-distance relationship. I don't know if anybody has ever been in one of those, but they're super difficult.

They're really hard. It's really hard because I live in California, and my boyfriend lives all the way in my imagination. So it's, like like not a real thing. Um, I can't, I don't think I can be in a relationship cause I'm a comedian. It's really hard. So I got online the other day and I almost bought a vibrator on Groupon. But, um, my mom always says that you get what you pay for. So I didn't want to get half off for half off. It was really sad, though, because I got on eBay. And I started bidding on a vibrator.

I was like, let's give this a try. And there's no more pathetic feeling than being outbid by a fake penis. Like, I just can't even buy a used fake one online. The universe won't give me that. It's weird when girls fight over men, too, you know, because there's so many dicks in the... She's been here before.

Yeah. I love that. I love that half-off, half-off. You shouldn't use Groupon, though. It's true. There was vibrators half-off on Groupon last week. I missed it. That's probably better.

It's perfect. It's part of the setup anyway, the Groupon part and the half-off. And then the bit for the dildo, that just sounds so real and funny and depressing. It's so sad. That is true. I was once selling the dildo, so I know that's true. Fuck yeah. And then what

were you talking about there at the end? You were going to finish that. There's so many girls. Oh, well, I just started this whole new bit about, I don't understand why women fight over men because there's just, like, so many dicks. Like, I could fit a dick into every crevice and there's still, like, 40 dicks in the comedy store tonight. You know, like, there's so many dicks

in the world, no one should ever fight over one because chances are it's not going to be that great. Sorry. Okay, bye. You should run for the president of women. I love that. I like that platform. There's enough dicks for everybody. And more.

There's a dick, there's a dick, there's a dick. I'd like your vote at the polls November 14th. When I was working on that, I was looking up how many men there are. I wanted percentages of dicks. So I was getting really into that one. It was too much for tonight. Did you end up at a pie chart of dicks at one point? I was splitting them up into nationalities.

Wow. There's enough for everybody. And more. Indian dicks, Asian dicks, white dicks, black dicks. We all come together. A world of fat. I can really rally behind this. Asian dicks, white dicks, black dicks. We all come together. A world of fads.

I can really rally behind this. Isn't there more women than guys in the population? Yeah, I think so. At the University of Florida there is. Whoa. There's like six girls to every guy. That's where the dick fights. That's where that's where. Not enough dicks. Never mind.

That's so great. Again, for some weird reason, I'm going to steal my favorite question that I've ever heard asked on this show. And since I've never asked you this, I'm going to do it. What scares you, Kim? What scares me? I'm going to call it from now on, by the way, every episode, I'm going to do it. What scares you, Kim? What scares me? I'm going to call it from now on, by the way, every episode,

I'm going to use this, Ron, and I'm going to call it the Funches question. Cool. I'm really scared of the dark. Like being by myself in the dark. Also the comedy story a little bit. So those two. Yeah, you keep coming back. I keep coming.

I don't know what it is. That's what the scary part is. I can't stop. So back. I keep coming. I don't know what it is. That's what the scary part is. I can't stop. So creepy. Okay, well. That's how it is. I'm done. Yeah, that's fun stuff.

I like your style, Kim. Anything else for Kim, guys? That's funny. Thank you. You're good at comedy. Keep it up. Kimberly Congdon is at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. She did Roast Battle here, a live show

that takes place here on Tuesdays and annihilated a couple weeks ago. That was fun to watch. You're a final comedian of the night and the other regular here on Kill Tony is a regular here, obviously, and also on the Dysentery podcast.

Very, very, very, very, very funny young lady. Put your hands together for Sarah Wineshank, everybody. What's up? I'm scared of dying. That's why I think I fixate on the little things. That's why I think I fixate on the little things. It's how I cope.

Because you never know. You know? Like these... I will think about dying if I'm not obsessing about something small. For example, the goat cheese medallions in my fridge. Is that the closest I will ever get to receiving a blue ribbon? Maybe. When I was eating an artichoke, I wondered,

is this the closest I will ever be to becoming a cardiologist? It's a thinker. It's a thinker. It's a thinker. Really? Why has everyone just ignored the fact that 50 Cent wrote a song about his dick in which he called it his magic stick? Remember that?

It needs to be addressed. My favorite punchline of the night. Remember that? Remember that. It's good. Album title. I love it. Those are funny.

The medallion one. Am I right? The goat cheese comes in that white tin foil with the blue. It's like a little circle. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. Gotcha. Gotcha. That's like a little circle. Yeah. Gotcha.

That is a goat cheese medallion. Yeah. What do you use those for? What do you do with that? It just depends on the mood. Snack. Yeah, like sometimes I'll put it on a cracker, a gluten-free cracker. Sometimes I'll put it, you know, upon pasta, a top pasta, not upon. A top pasta, not upon.

A pun was way more fun. I like that. Put it upon pasta. I know. I should have just stayed in the pocket. Fuck you guys. Say what you want. Have it with some strawberries. Oh, that's good. Oh,

Tony. That's good. Cheese and strawberries? Together, like that? Not in the same bite. Oh, Tony. That's good. Cheese and strawberries? Well, yeah. Together like that? Yeah, yeah. Not in the same bite. You do one. Yeah, no, it's an amazing clash.

It really is. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I would never think of that. Yeah, the two things dance in your mouth. No, they really do. In fact, it reminds me of the amazing cooking of Elise Lane.

What? Available. The girl with the pan on Facebook and Instagram. Yes. Did you get to try any of Elise's food today, Sarah? No, I think I missed this. But shout out to Elise. Keeping it real.

You have a good, you have like a solid voice. That's what I like about you. It was also good that you talk about like right from Jump like we got a sense of what who you are and what you're about

just that you're scared to death like that's kind of an interesting way to open up a set you know so I felt like because I feel that way too

you know I think about it all the time but that's obvious the way you say it and when you and when you say that we feel that

you feel that way you know what I mean like it's not it doesn't sound like you're doing an act when you say that, we feel that you feel that way. You know what I mean? Like, it doesn't sound like you're doing an act, which is cool, which is, I think, what you're saying, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's when you have, like, I mean, that's what a lot of people struggle for a long time to get is their own personal rhythm. And you seem to already be well on your way to doing that. So it was very interesting. Thank you.

I love that you opened up with the funches question which is what scares you yeah because I've been thinking about that lately she fucking beat you to it oh you just beat everything beat the game

what was my next question going to be oh is there a specific way of dying that you're more afraid of than others? Is there something that you always think you have or that you're extra paranoid about? No, I just want to – just the mystery of it. Or, like, how's it going to be? What's going to happen? But then it's like there's no point in worrying about it.

Right. But also, like, that also – because, like, it's going to happen. It also propels me forward. It's like, fuck it. I've got to go do my because like it's going to happen it also propels me forward it's like fuck it. I got to go do my minute. I got to you know like fuck it.

Totally. This could be my last minute you never know. So it's like it like propels me forward but it also like psychs me out sometimes. You know?

I'm serious. Dying is going to be amazing. We don't have anyone that has ever been able to tell us. It's going to be the. We don't have anyone that has ever been able to tell us. It's going to be the greatest thing ever. Bunch of pussy everywhere. Ghost pussies.

Talk about cum shorts. That's all it is, is cum shorts. I'm sure. Fuck yeah, Sarah. Fun stuff. Thank you. You're welcome. Sarah Weinshank. fuck yeah Sarah well fun stuff yeah thank you you're welcome

Sarah Weinshank she's on Twitter at Princess Shank Kimberly Congdon's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon Kimberly Congdon and Sarah Weinshank

and Princess Shank on Twitter we did it that's Kill Tony 64 guys thanks for having me yay promote something you guys are on Twitter

I got my tour coming up you can go to my website christhalia.com my tour That's Kill Tony 64, guys. Thanks for having me. Promote something. You guys are on Twitter. I got my tour coming up. You can go to my website, ChrisTalia.com. My tour, I'm doing 31 cities, so go check that out. I'm just at Ron Funches, just chilling mostly. Yeah, but we got our show coming up. Undateable, season two. That's right, Kill Tony fans. Get on board.

Watch Undateable. Rewatch it. TiVo it. Play it on repeat over and over again. I don't know if that helps numbers or not. Fuck, do it anyway. Yeah, yeah. Just do it. You guys are crazy comedy fans, so blow these guys up.

Scott Kidd is on Twitter at DiVoKidd. That's right. All right. That's D-E-V-O-K-I-D-D. That's Devo Kidd. And, of course, Elise Lane, the newest chef and newest sponsor of Kill Tony, private chef.

Follow her on Twitter at Elise Lane, E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. Follow her on Instagram, thegirlwithapan. And follow her on Facebook, TheGirlWithAPan. And follow her on Facebook, TheGirlWithAPan. She's TheGirlWithAPan. Delicious food, Elise Lane. Thank you so much, everybody. That's episode 64 of Kill Tony.

Thank you. Crazy, well, that's not fair. Well, that's not fair. Bye.