KILL TONY - KILL TONY #7

Episode Date: August 1, 2013

David Taylor, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 07/15/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please check us out on iTunes and Stitcher. Phoenix, we're coming to you. Me and Tony are going to be there in September at Stand Up Live. Tickets can be found at StandUpLive.com or just go to DeathSquad.tv for all our tour dates. And we're going to be adding some new ones soon. And if you go to ShopSquad.tv, you can pre-order the new Death Squad No. 3 t-shirt. And the first shipment goes out the first week of

August. So get a part of the first shipment pre-ordered right now at shopsquad.tv. If you want to go to one of these shows, these shows are free. You just go to the Comedy Store's website thecomedystore.com It's every Monday at the

World Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California at 8pm. website the comedy store.com it's every monday at the world famous comedy store in hollywood california at 8 p.m tickets are free and it's followed by the ding dong show at 10 p.m so please check us out for death squad night at the comedy store and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band. Coming to you live from the Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Let's give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, everybody. Dreams are coming true.

Welcome, everyone. How are you guys? It's all happening. Fuck yeah. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Just sit wait wait wait I guess you could just Calm down That's an eager Taylor That's very eager I'm excited that David Taylor is so excited

I've never been more excited than when you see an excited David Taylor We just got back from Toronto If you're wondering why we're wearing baseball jerseys. You know what? I must have been too stoned to realize what you were talking about because I just figured out I'm not wearing a blue jacket jersey. I thought I was wearing a blue jacket jersey. That's why you said hockey. Yeah. Oh my god.

That's so crazy. I just realized it because somebody asked if I lived in Canada. I'm like, no, why would you ask that? I'm wearing a blue jacket and I looked at your back and it had a baseball logo. I'm like, oh, wait a second. What am I wearing? Wow. This is baseball. I'm like, no, why would you ask that? I'm wearing a blue jacket and I looked at your back and it had a baseball logo. I'm like, oh, wait a second. What am I wearing? Wow. So this is baseball. This is like their professional baseball team? Yeah, the Toronto

Blue Jays is a very, very famous baseball organization. Does the United States play versus Canada? Well, yes. They're one of the only Canadian Major League Baseball teams. Wow. I didn't know.

I thought it was like USA only for baseball. No. No. It seems like it would be. Right. But it's actually one of those sports that they just barely cross. It's all Americans that are playing over there. I don't think there's too many great Canadian-born baseball players.

The closer you get to the equator, the better your baseball player is. It doesn't go up. Is there football that does that, or is it just baseball that does it? Football. There has to be hockey, I guess. Yeah, there isn't an NFL team up there. Or basketball? Basketball, yes, but they're always horrendously bad.

There's the Toronto Raptors. Why are we talking about sports? I don't know. It's interesting. But we had fun, man. Toronto was like the... It seemed like it was the richest city I've ever been in my life.

Out here, it looks like there's evidence everywhere. It looks like LA is just bankrupt. It's definitely Canada's Tokyo. Yeah. It is bumping. There were so many skyscrapers. This guy told us that it was like 70% of all of the cranes that are used to many skyscrapers. This guy told us that 70% of all of the cranes that are used to make skyscrapers are in Toronto.

These things can't move easily. It takes them years just to move a crane to another country. Or you can't do it. It's all bumping and the energy there is crazy. I asked somebody, why is this all possible? Why are the doors open and everybody's having fun and people are drinking? And why is it always like this? And he goes, because they have no guns there. People just don't carry guns anywhere or have them at home. And he explained

to me how that makes it so that you can have fun all the time. And it made sense, by the way, when he was done. After he explained it, I'm like, oh my God. So it's sort of a crazy thing that I learned when I was there, too. Or that dude was really stoned and we were playing a pot cafe that was filled with 100 people smoking weed

and blowing it in our face when we were on stage. And you had what is called, and very popular in Canada, called a green-out. Yeah. Everybody uses this word. Never heard it before. Me neither.

I never heard it, but it's used, and we saw a few cases of green-out. See, what they do in Canada is, because they don't have the mountains and beaches that Southern California has. Josh, you have to be the guy that patrols that, bro. The Iron Patriot's here, by the way. He's normally our security guard, but we know he can't go backwards.

So you have to make all your... He can only protect us from what's in front of him. Another great thing about Toronto is that a lot of people came up to me just going like, what's that catchphrase you say? For every life you save, there's a million new ways to die.

People were just doing that in Toronto. I have to ask you something, Tony. Yeah, sure. I noticed on Twitter that you referenced Jimi Hendrix and said that you touched the sky. I was wondering if you brought me any weed from Canada so I can touch the sky. No, I didn't bring you any weed from Canada. Luckily, I have

California pot, though. That's cool. And let's be honest, everyone in Canada that had the California weed, that was the best weed. And totally, and they do. And they're like, man, this is sweet. This is some fucking cali grown and i'm like that's what i've been smoking for the last seven years uh but um the green out what's

crazy about the green out before we get back to the uh to the patriot because i have a question for him um so since they don't have mountains and beaches my theory is that they just fucking smoke until they pass out. That's their limit. Their limit when they're like, oh, I got high last night. When they say high, that means they passed out. And they all call it the green out. Like, I heard it from multiple people the whole weekend. Which, it's just an adorable way to say passed out.

Like, it makes it seem like it's not unhealthy if it's a green out. When it was either you on stage or our opener, there was a huge crash, which sounded like a plate dropped, and that was a person trying to stand up and falling over and passing out from too much weed. And there was one point in which I, myself, thank you, did Canada all the way, because there I was in the bathroom at one point. And you're professional.

You smoke weed every day a lot. Probably more than me. I don't smoke weed all day. I wait a little bit. I wait a little bit in the afternoon. Comedian's Day starts from 8 p.m. to 4 a.m.

Right. Well, yeah. I like waiting. I notice that I get higher if I wait until 4, 5, 6. You're in the bathroom. I'm in. I notice that I get higher if I wait until like 4, 5, 6. So you're in the bathroom. I'm in the bathroom in Toronto. Are you freaking out in the bathroom? I brought you on stage. You're about 20 minutes into your set.

By the way, he killed every show. Brian Redband. Crushing. Longest set ever. Unbelievable. I mean, it's always fun to watch a friend get to do a long set for the first time like we we're always doing you know 8 15 12 maybe 20 on a fun night but to be able to do 45 and just stretch out yeah totally and uh anyway i'm in the bathroom there's a little door lock thing that's just one

of those loops that you put in the uh in the tiny circle it's not like a twist thing it's one of those because canada's safe and nobody gives a fuck. Nobody's going to bother you. Nobody even knocks on the doors there. They just wait for five minutes to make sure nobody's... Anyway. So there I am going to the bathroom

and all of a sudden the thought of a heart attack hits me which is crazy because I was doing a bit about every time I think I'm having a heart attack I'm just too high. That's when I know I'm high enough. Anyway, but the last thing, like to fulfill the prophecy of my own bit,

I'm like, oh my God, heart attack? And then I'm like, wait a second. And I just start sweating. Boom. I'm like, oh God, this is all happening. I know what it's like right before you pass out. And what you learn from passing out before is, a good part about passing out before a positive

is that you learn how to pass out better. You really do. So when that happened to me, and I'm like, boom, wah, wah, wah. I'm like, okay, here we go. So I'm like on a mission. I pop the lock. I open the door. I know that I have this four or five second window.

And the staff is right there. These cool bartenders and everybody by the way. Puff Mama, Joe Tuchito, Ad Hazardous on Twitter and Jason, the guys that made the jerseys. The hospitality there was incredible. I bust out the door and I go

I'm about to pass out. And I'm going like this. I open the door. I take one step out and I'm like I'm about to pass out. I'm going like this. I open the door. I take one step out and I'm like, I'm about to pass out. Crawling and bent over. They all look at me like, I've just been on stage twice for 45 minutes. We've all been having a fun weekend. They're all just like, bah.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. No jokey. I'm like, I'm about to fucking pass out. They split up in four different directions at the same time. No jokey. I'm like, I'm about to fucking pass out. And they just fucking, they split up in four different directions at the same time. One went and grabbed a Sprite. One went and grabbed a fucking wet towel. Another guided me outside.

And the little girl carried you. It was unbelievable. There was no little baby. Because I'm saying you're very light. Oh, yes. There was a little baby that I'm saying you're very light. There was a little baby that carried me in imagination land. I was right on that brim of passing out

and it didn't happen. That sucks, man. Nice people there. But it was a green out. I was out of it. There was a point in which I had given up. I went outside and I took my shirt off. Which is crazy if you know I had given up. I went outside, and I took my shirt off. Yeah, which is crazy if you know Tony, because Tony's not one of those guys who just takes his shirt off.

Right. He actually wears multiple. He has, like, seven shirts on right now. Yeah, I always wear multiple layers, two pairs of socks at all times, usually a pair of thermals under my jeans. Yeah. But I took off my shirt, man, and I just started sweating profusely, but we fought through it.

Something about the Sprite, the fresh air. We got through it, man, and I just started sweating profusely, but we fought through it. Something about the Sprite, the fresh air. We got through it, man, and I did not pass out in Toronto. You tried, Toronto. You tried to take down the golden pony. Well, guess what? This pony doesn't go down that easily. I puked in Toronto.

Tomato basil soup. I looked at that on that hotel menu, just like you did that same night was it friday night or whatever night and i'm like oh yeah this is gonna be good what do we got and i looked at that tomato soup and i'm just like i want it but i just don't think it would be right oh no like three hours later i am puking tomato basil soup like i did one of those things where you wake up and you're like wait something's wrong. The back of my throat has that little teardrop or something that's going on there.

It's like a little itch. You're like, oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. And I stand up, filling my mouth up, holding my mouth together like a clothespin just so it won't go out. Get to it and just reds everywhere. It looked like I was puking blood. And when you're half asleep, you're not thinking like tomato basil soup. You think you're

puking blood. And I was like, what the fuck? It was fucked up. I love it half asleep, you're not thinking tomato basil soup. You think you're puking blood. I was like, what the fuck? It was fucked up. I love it. Yeah, Toronto. I noticed on Thursday morning at the airport, you had a video of Tony saying he was irritated by your drunkness. Were you drunk already early Thursday morning

or from last night before? Yeah, we decided to stay up all night and just party. You didn't even sleep. When you take a Thursday morning 5 a.m. flight with a friend and you live our type of lifestyles,

it's much easier to not go to sleep that night for, what, an hour and a half? It's better to plow through and then get on the plane and crash hard, which worked perfectly. Even with the layover, which is rare, we were up, moved,

passed out again, out. Those are the best. Nothing better than sleeping on a plane to me. I don't know much. That's what he kept doing. See that? See what happens when he says that? That kind of energy. That's the whole thing. So he kept saying that See what happens when he says that? That kind of energy. That's the whole thing. So he kept saying that over and over again with people in line in front of us, behind us.

See the whole thing? It's just electricity and wires. Josh Martin is like the worst assistant producer of this show. I mean, I could ever expect their texting. It's fine. You just grab a couple towels, man. No, no,

I got rubber on the bottom of my shoes. That's supposed to help. But it's on the table. Oh,

yeah. I guess that's not good. It's just, I love how he's back there. Not only was he watching,

not doing anything, he was also texting. Oh, wait, I got something. I love that he's part of the fun

set, though. Like, we really have the worst assistant producer guy helping us that you could ever imagine

I'm glad this carpet's stained red with the tears of a million dead comics so true it is very precise strategic coloring that they use on these carpets a combination of dark red and black at the comedy store it's just a mix so you can't tell what's a stain

and what's a fucking blood from a corpse. Anyway. I'm very excited. Oh, yeah, Patriot, one more question. That joint that I gave you last week after the show for your participation of it, how did that work?

How did that work out for you? I'm having very mystical feelings when I smoke that weed. I start pondering the mysteries of the universe. I realize that we're all at the center of our own universe. And it's all an illusion. Like that Corey guy of Glee, he just died in your imagination.

In another universe, he's going on and having a nice life with Lea Michele. Absolutely. Do you understand what I'm saying? I believe that I die almost once a week. And I think that every time that I feel like, what, how the fuck did I make it home or whatever? I think I died. And in some way there's a Tony crying with his shirt off

outside my funeral. Yeah. Having a brownout, which is where he's just shitting himself. Brownout, yeah. So Patriot, just one more question like when you say uh uh pondering the mysteries of the universe like what's another one what's another what's another thing you were thinking of i don't know well the thing that trips me out is we'll never know where we came from in the beginning how we came from nothing to be something because we'll

be like a cat chasing its own tail. We'll never know where we came in the beginning. But why can't we be God? We're God. There is no God. We're not creatures. We're the creator. We are God.

Each one of us are imagining this. I love the Iron Patriot, everybody. Passionate. He's in the game tonight, man. He is dialed in. I love it. Well, it's true, though, what he's saying. We're our own God. Because your universe is dialed in. I love it. Well, it's true, though, what he's saying. We're our own God.

Your universe is not my universe. But it doesn't mean that it's not true. It's coming from our imagination. The sun is a million times bigger than the earth. And then they found stars that are a million times bigger than the sun. And so on and so on. But then you start to feel insignificant if you look at it that way. But when you

realize it's our imagination, you realize it's our imagination You realize it's us You know you don't start You don't start thinking in that insignificant way Like oh it's so big I'm just this little You know Why do I get the feeling That that joint I gave you

That joint I gave you last Monday Why do I get the feeling that you waited Seven days to smoke it right before this show? No, I want more. I like when you drink that weed. Just give him a taste, Tony. I want more.

I want more. It's a moment where he sounds so human when he's asking for pot. Like, oh, no, I want more, please. No mystery about that. It's nice to escape the sober thoughts of the day. The silver thoughts? The worrisome thoughts. The thoughts thinking about reality of your bills

and all that shit. So true. One more time for the Patriot as we are about to bring up tonight's guest. I'm very excited to have him. Ever since I started here he's been one of the guys that I've always looked up to. He's a hilarious comedian. Specializes in late night here at the Comedy Store He's been one of the guys that I've always looked up to. He's a hilarious comedian.

Specializes in late night here at the Comedy Store, which is one of the hardest positions to be in. He carries it. He's dark. He's different. He's original. He's fascinating. He's definitely one of the smartest friends that I have. He's a writer. He's a writer for TV.

The Juzzleneck Offensive. The Comedy Central Rose. But more than that, a fantastic comedian, one of my great friends. Put your hands together for the one and only David Taylor, everybody. Here he is, live and in the flesh. That was a tremendous opening. Very excited to have David on. Very excited to be here, Tony. Very excited.

He keeps it so real. He's funny as fuck. What have you been up to lately, Dave? What's happening? This. I love it. This is pretty much my only credit going for the last six months. Now, you normally you're the guy that also in the

LA comedy circuit, you are notorious, notorious for your for these awesome parties that you have, the barbecues. Those are over. There will be no more.

Why? Because Boone stole books from my last one, so I'm not going to do it anymore. That's, he stole books? No, he stole art books from me,

so I told him, Boone, if I don't get those books back, there will be no more barbecues, and he did not return them, so there will be no more barbecues. Can I, can I tell you something?

Yeah. That is not fair for guys like me who have been telling you for years to not fucking back boone shakalaka that he steals from you and that's not even the first occurrence with you one time i know he stole my ipad or ipod a little yeah he's such he's such a moron this boone shakalaka i know he's adorable to all you to all you people newer in, but give it a few years of that bullshit every fucking night. Let me promise you, he's a fucking crazy maniac.

Anyway. There will be no more. But this is Boone for you. David's parked in this lot. You work years to become a paid regular here at the comedy store. One of the only fucking perks is that you get to park in the lot here. And Boone went into David's car, got his iPod.

This is the best part, though. He tried to sell it to Alex Moore, comedy store employee at the time. Alex tries to open it up. Alex called me and goes, I think I have your iPod. And I was like, I thought it was in my kitchen. I was looking for it, but I'm lazy about cleaning. So he calls and says, I think I have your iPod. Your name's in it.

And I said, okay. And I said, is it full of embarrassing music? And he said, yes. So I'm like, that's my iPod. And then he gave it to me. And then I went to Boone. And I'm like, Boone, I don't want you to get banned.

Try not to steal shit out of people's cars and then resell it here. And honestly, the rare thing was that Alex told me about it because a lot of people would have just said, oh, I got David Taylor's iPod and then just used it. But then Boone said, can I have $5? I said, why would I give you money for the iPod?

And he said, finder's fee. Oh, my God. Oh, what about the stealer's fee? That breaks even. That's $5 if you steal something. Well, anyway, the point is this, is that he took like seven nice art books from my shelf. And I called and I said, hey, tell Boone if he doesn't return the books. If he returns them, I won't have a problem with him.

If he doesn't return them, there will be no more barbecues. And he told people I didn't take them. That's a fucking doofball. That guy's such an idiot. I can't believe you'd give him a shot after stealing your iPod and start inviting him to your barbecues. That's what I always had a problem with.

Honestly, he gave me a benefit. The benefit was he really lessened the amount of cans I had to clean because he took them. Honestly, it cut – I mean my cleaning time was cut in one-third because he would take cans. Bottles? No, he wouldn't take bottles. They're too heavy.

Oh, right. But that's because he didn't bring a shopping cart, which I wish that I had provided. But cans and a little plastic, oh, man, it really made life easy. So, yeah, I mean wouldn't you invite a robot that cleaned? But see, the thing with good-looking comedians like myself when we're at your barbecues, we can't eat a hot dog there because Boone's staring at us from across the grill like an animal. That's the nice thing. I always got along with Boone because I'm ugly.

So he didn't want to fuck me. We were good. He never asked me to shower at my place. Never was a problem. And honestly, with a Boone that doesn't ask you to shower at your place, he's okay. He's not a bad guy. But then when he steals your art books, that's the end of the barbecue. So it's just the deal.

Of course. There you go. Your very own Boone Chocolato, one of my mortal enemies. Here's the nice thing. When I was starting to do comedy many years ago, Stephanie Escaheda threw the best parties. Kevin, you remember this? Kevin Christie is in the house, in the back

of the room, everybody. She threw the fucking best. The only one I missed, they were like, I'm like, I didn't miss anything. They're like, you missed the kissing booth, David. I'm like, what? I just, gee whiz. Because Stephanie was attractive and I believe bisexual, so that really brought the girls in. Whereas mine is very dude heavy, so it's its own particular thing.

Anyway, the point is Stephanie threw hers in Koreatown, and they went on for a while, and then they ended. And somebody else threw a party. Nick Swartzen threw great parties at the roller skating rink where the Crips was founded. That place run that business. Like the roller skating, the world on wheels. That ended when he was held up at gunpoint in the parking lot by somebody who thought that comedians

paid a lot more than they did. The point is this. These things run their course. There's a life cycle for all things with parties. So I'm sure that one of you guys will be the next to create the popular comedy party. He's handing over the reins to a bunch of people that probably live

in their cars. Ask away. What's it going to take to get Boone banned? Boone, honest to God, fits in here as much as we all do. He does. Never since Neil Armstrong have they put a ban on the Boone. Something like that, I believe. Very nice.

Anyway, That kind of freaks me out about the car shit, going in your car. I didn't even think about that. What the fuck is he going to take from you? Fuck, I don't know. Dick pills? Stole your art books. You'll know you've got problems if he walks away with an Asian girl under his arm.

I can't believe Boone stole your art books, man. We really got to see the dark side of the Boone. You're really going with that. Right now I can see you thinking, what's the next fucking... That's what I love. I'm into that goofy shit. Speaking of the devil.

Oh, the devil himself. All right. You guys know what we do here I'm lucky enough to be here At the Comedy Store, be able to do a live podcast In which a bunch of comedians Some of the funniest and coolest And whatever, ballsiest Young stand-up talents get a chance

To come up and do a minute And then be on a podcast and talk with me and a guest And it used to be a segment called Tag It or Bag It, but now it's just sort of just roll into it. So with no further ado... What did you say, though? If you go over one minute, you get the cast? Oh, yeah. Everybody gets one

minute. If you try to go over a minute, you're going to hear a cat sound. Something like that. Let me tell you what I've always wanted for the comedy. So when I was working the booth at the open mic downstairs, I thought that what they should rig the microphones with is like a significant electric jolt. That you could hit the switch in the booth and it would like shock people. And then they drop the mic just a quick like and they never did it.

Maybe because they barely had the microphones working to provide sound. I have a dog collar that we could have on there with a button. If you could do that, honestly, that would probably be plenty of fun and entertaining. Whoa, if we got an electric dog collar for this show and everybody had to wear the collar for a minute. Yeah, and that teaches you to know what a one minute is. Also, you know what it does? It also makes comedy even more humiliating, which is the one thing I didn't think was possible. But yeah, it's perfect. I think it's a great idea.

It's a great idea. So we have a bucket full of comedians. We pulled them out of a hat. And let's have some fun, shall we? Here we go. All right. Is that exciting? Iron Patriot, are you excited?

I'm ready. Awesome. Justice will triumph over evil. I love it. I actually know this guy. I'm very excited about this. Put your hands together for the one and only Russ Gooten. Russ. Russ.

Russ Gooten. There he is. He's in the flesh. He's back from New York. I love the fucking music. Thank you. Good evening. Welcome. Welcome. Good evening. I'm Russ Gooten, a Jew. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Thank you for everything you've done for the country. I appreciate it. So we do the bit, right? We do the bit and then we bag it or tag it. Is that it?

Just do the bit, bro. All right. Hey, don't fucking... There's no talking to us yet. Do the bit. Do the bit. Okay. So my wife and I, my Italian wife and I, we have a little pizza bagel son. The only other way to make money for him besides being a comic is being an actor. I have to audition for a lot of shit,

comedies and dramas. I'm getting a little bit slightly racist towards sexy Australian actors doing a sexy American accent. They're taking all the good jobs. People think it's the Chinese and the Indians and the Mexicans. It's not. It's the sexy Australians, okay? And whenever you see a sexy doctor, lawyer, or cop on television,

it's usually played by a sexy Australian doing a sexy American accent, okay? So I've got to get this work. I've got to buy this kid shoes. So this is what I've been doing. It's a little tip for any of the other actors who might be out there. I actually just start all of my... Is that the time limit?

Is that the minute? Oh, man. Wow. I tried to get there. He initiated hard, tried to do a little crowd work with me at the beginning. I didn't know that was counting against my time. Is that a... Yes.

Fuck yeah. Russ Gutten. Who cares? Thanks for having me. Good to be back here. I love it. See the shot caller. Perfect idea.

Thank you. Russ, I remember Russ is a pal that went to New York, and now he's back. How's everything going so far? Do you know David Taylor? Dave, what did you think of what Russ talked about? It reminds me of a young Moshe Kasher. But other than that, I actually liked him. Thank you.

There you go. Thank you. Well done. Although, let me tell you something. There are few things in life more depressing than the thought or the image of parents bringing their baby to auditions. Yes. I've never done that, thank God. That's the worst form of child abuse there is.

Yes, and also I've had to run children's auditions where the parents are coaching the child from behind where you're auditing them through the window. I've had auditions where it's me and an actor, and then they brought the child in to show, like, this is where mommy went wrong. Oh, no. One time, a kid gave me a note during an audition. Was it, I'm not his child? No, obviously it was, slow down, you're talking too fast. Okay, I like that, yeah.

Wow. Wow. Patriot, what did you think of what Russ said? If you turn out to be Macaulay Culkin, that could be okay. Yeah, it worked out great for Macaulay. A history of sexual abuse and heroin addiction. Man, sounds perfect. Sign me up.

And also Michael Jackson twiddled his balls too. Yeah, but I don't know. He got some money. His younger brother's doing pretty good. I just saw him in a movie called Twelve today. Is Macaulay Culkin Australian? Did I miss that? Wait, Patriot.

What movie did you... You said you saw a movie today? Just the younger brother of Macaulay Culkin. We shouldn't be talking about that. No, Kieran Culkin, right? He was in Igby Goes Down. Kieran, I mean Patriot. There are multiple younger Culkin brothers. Yes, there's many Culkins. One of them being Scarlett Johansson.

Patriot, did you see the movie Today, you said? Yeah, on Netflix. Oh, on Netflix. I also saw a nice documentary on Carol Channing. She's 92 now. Look at you, just living the life. That's good to know. If you're wondering what the Patriot does in the afternoon...

Is there nothing the Iron Patriot can't do? Yes. I've got to tell you, she's definitely making it into my possible Deadpool list for next year. I didn't realize it was still alive. Who? Carol Channing. Yeah. She sang Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend before Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, my God. In 1949. Whoa. Suck on that, Marilyn. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. This is like the Iron Patriot. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Wait, wait, wait. Everyone calm down. Everybody just relax. Patriot, can you hit that note for us one more time? Diamonds are a girl. Yes.

That was great. I didn't know Don Cheadle could sing. That's amazing. He can do everything. I'm Norm Osborne. I'm the comic book Iron Patriot.

Oh, all right. All right. Let's not get crazy. He's a... Take it easy on him, Russ. No, I know. I meant security. I'm saying he's right. No, all right, all right. Let's not get crazy. He's a, he's a, take it easy on him, Russ. No, I know, I meant, I meant, no, he's right. I'm saying he's right.

No, whoa, I didn't want to. He's doing impressions through a fucking. No, he's doing Iron Patriot as Carol Channing. I take my hat off to him. Can you do it just one more time for me, Patriot?

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. That's really, really wasted on heterosexuals. Oh, my God. All right, let's keep it moving. That's Russ Gooden, everybody. What are you on Twitter? He's at Russ Gooden on Twitter, everyone.

Hey, man. Oh, this is very exciting. One of my favorite new friends that I've made in the past couple years, and he's also autistic as fuck, everybody. Who could it be? Put your hands together for Joshua Meyerowitz at Autistic Thunder

how's it going guys my name is Joshua Meyerowitz I have Asperger's which is a form of autism so I cannot relate to shit one of the main facets of Asperger's is anxiety I get some horrible anxiety attacks I got one recently, it sucked shit

you see some schmuck decided to come up to me and he decided to tell me that the movie Demolition Man sucks and my brain just fucking broke I went into the mental fetal position for like two weeks it was not fun that's when I started a new joke. I'm not happy about my torso. It looks

horrible. If you couldn't tell by the area between my junk and my man boobs, I like to eat. Look at this shit. It looks like a sad ghost. It looks like... By the way, it looks like a grumpy ghost I can't have nice things

it also looks like the elephant man trying to phrase the question who? I love it of course as always you're one of my favorite rising stand up comedians I love it

I'm on board I love Josh Byron thank you guys I love it. I'll tell you right now, I'm on board. I love Josh Byron. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. And by the way, for the three of us to know you and like you, first of all, that's like one of those eclipses that happens once every few years. Yeah, Esther didn't make it.

Oh, definitely not. Don't relate me to her. Definitely not. What? The only time I'd relate you to her is when I'm talking about your bodies. That's true. Hairy and gross, yes. Anyway. Tightness up your asshole.

You know, I'm just anti-lifting up that shirt. I think you can paint the picture without having to have your shirt up. Can I make a side note? I think it'll – Yeah. My favorite Josh Meyerowitz moment was we used to do a show up here and somehow we,

Josh got his hands on a, a fake pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by somehow, I mean he let a woman slap him in the face on stage. It was fun. And okay,

this is what took Josh from like here to here. He fucked it in the bathroom. Or at least I tried. Wait, what did he fuck? The flashlight here. He fucked it in the bathroom. Or at least I tried. Wait, what did he fuck? The flashlight? He fucked the flashlight in the bathroom. Like he couldn't wait?

No, no, no. We asked him to do it and he actually went in and did it and then reported and admitted that he couldn't get hard for it. It was a sort of honesty that I appreciate. So while I'll agree, showing your shirt might not be the best move. You think he was being honest? He couldn't get hard for it? Look at this guy. Josh Meyerowitz.

I'll tell you, Josh has a gift. He has a skill that comics have. I don't know if it's part of the Asperger's. He's really honest. That's going to serve you in good stat, man. I appreciate it. Thank you. Take off the shirt.

Do what you want to do there. But my point is that the willingness to do that, the willingness to show your junk on stage, which you've also done. Yes, that is true. I wish I could unring that bell. Can I tell you the description? My dick and balls looks like an acorn resting on a frog's throat. And he's a poet.

Anyway, in other news. Sounds like a child describing their own molestation, but he is a poet. Daddy, no. I tell you. So'd say great job. I love you guys. Thank you. Nothing but positives for Josh Byerly. I have nothing but positives except I would not...

It's a thing in comedy. The guys that lift up their shirt and actually show their belly. It's known amongst comedians as an act of desperation. The ultimate prop. Let me present a counter example. Bobby Lee.

How's that a counter example? A mentally handicapped comedian? Bobby is all desperation, but he's a brilliant clown. The point is that, you know what, that might be your thing, but I wouldn't say stop yourself from doing it just because. Only if it feels natural, yeah.

Exactly. Does it feel natural when you show a bunch of strangers your stuff? I like it when you do it. That's the second time I've seen you do that, and I like it. Can I add something? I think a good show for him would be the Ding Dong Show. No! Patriot.

No! Can I say something? I'm nobody's retard, motherfucker. Relax, relax, relax. You relax. Just relax. Josh, last week, I watched the Ding Dong show last week, and there was an older Armenian gentleman that they had let him take his shirt off,

and he had liver spots and man boobs. Patriot, wait. Patriot, check it out, dude. I need you more on the security end of things and less on the producer idea, like creating empires. This got me thinking because of the shirt thing. Shirt off. Yeah. Well, you're rushing a judgment on that.

By the way, nobody's retard would be a great name for your comedy. Nobody's fucking retard. But with that said, neither are the members of the Ding Dong Show. It's not an insult to be part of that. It's a very fun show. I watch it all the time. It's so much fun. It kind of gives me douches. However, it's not right for you because you want to be a stand-up comedian.

Thank you. Don't let people freak you out. I know. When I first came here, people were like... I wouldn't call them retards. That's not cool. No, no. I'm saying to when it applies. Just call them tr That's not cool. No, no. I'm saying to when it applies. Just call them trannies. Yeah.

Hey, Josh. You don't let anybody stop you from calling people retards. You're a comedian. There you go. That is your God-given gift. You go around calling people retards. It's cool with everybody. I'm nobody's retard.

There we go. There you go. He's back to that catchphrase. I love it. I'm learning something here tonight. Yeah. Hey, in your new bit bit you're doing good like you should really go into why you like Demolition Man so much and really like break that down

that's hilarious that you love that movie you might need to go deeper into it yeah that's what I'm saying that's Joshua Meyerowitz everybody that's at Autistic Thunder on Twitter I believe this person's blacklisted That's Joshua Meyerowitz, everybody. That's at AutisticThunder on Twitter. I believe this person's blacklisted. I have to check with Josh before I call his name.

I'm going to pick another name. Oh, this guy isn't blacklisted. It's Ricky Luna. At Ricky Luna lives. Notorious Comedy Store employee, Ricky Luna. What does that mean, Iron Patriot? Damn. Banned.

Wow. That was the best one yet. First of all, that means he's blacklisted. You're blacklisted if you miss your spot? If you miss your spot, yeah. That's why I think the last person I pulled. It's tough but fair. Yeah. Anyway, we're keeping it moving.

Oh, this is exciting. This is a new name. Ryan Martin, everybody. Talking about poop. Get that ice or else no dice. Iron Patriot. What does that mean? Blacklisted.

Holy shit. We are just going through them tonight. It's a reign of terror tonight. Isn't that amazing? I love it. Wait wait can you do that one again though but can you add that howl thing that you

did the first time at the end yeah that's what it was missing I knew it was missing something totally we knew that iron wolf

in the fucking mix bro hold on a question Lucas how are you doing back there everything good I'm good keep going for Lucas

Pearl everybody at Nude City Films he's one of my favorite producers Lucas, how are you doing back there? Everything good? I'm good. Keep going for Lucas. Hello, everybody. At Dude City Films. That's right. He's one of my favorite producers to work with. He helps us get some of the amazing footage that you're going to one day watch tonight. That's right. Probably like New Year's. That's at Dude City Films on Twitter and YouTube.

He's amazing. He did my man on the street thing where i insulted people at hollywood highland your next comedian is keith soul oh you gotta be kidding me iron patriot what does that mean that is the turkey i believe wow there was no how page I need the fucking how, man. Blacklisting. There we go. So far we have more people not doing this show than doing this show.

At David Biddick. It's just David Biddick. It's at Biddick. Okay, so I want to talk about headlines. And I'm not talking Zimmerman or anything like that. I'm talking my favorite headline of all time. When I was in college, the school newspaper read, Masturbator Zips Away.

This guy got caught three times consecutive weekends masturbating outside of sororities. And all I can picture is this guy working a 9-to-5 and telling his wife that Thursday night is poker night because she wants to watch some fucking Real Housewives of Hollywood, and he just needs to get out of the house and masturbate. I just picture him standing outside the window jacketing. And when they see him and they scream, oh, my God,

how did they not catch a man with his pants around his ankles running back to his car? And I just picture the CSI team coming up and going, as garlic oh my god it's him again and the picture the woman trying to describe him through the window like um he was like six foot with uh i don't know he looked like everybody else he had a big bush uh His penis was circumcised. It wasn't the biggest I've seen. Moral of the story is, I decided to start masturbating to Facebook, and I was never caught. Double kitties. Oh, that's a penalty right there. You got the penalty, Growl, for trying to finish it up.

Obviously, he doesn't know that if you try to go over and finish the joke, you get another sound effect. Oh, yeah. That's what that means, everybody. We both learned something together about that. Apparently, that's not good. Any other jokes you want to finish right before...

No, I think it's a trap. I just wanted to hear the growl. They're trapping you. They wanted to hear the triple kitty, which apparently is even worse. That's the Weeho bear, by the way. I got very confused during that. I could barely pay attention to it. You went from talking about headlines to masturbating zip thing and then a bush. I mean, I got lost over and over again.

Was it – am I the only one? I'll tell you right now. No, I was following it all the way through. over again. I was following it all the way through. You might want to shorten the lead in and use the phrase, I could picture this less because you do that once

it's probably good throughout. I think there was a solid bit. There was the act out. I can't even do act out now. I'd say overall how many times you don't see it? This is the third or fourth time. You're way ahead of the game.

You're good. You're good. Talk to Amy. She'll mentor you. Oh, yeah, totally. Careful. She's a predator. Oh, yeah.

You're going to be sleeping on her couch tonight. I almost feel like it would be – Yes! Third or fourth time, at this point, it's almost ridiculous to offer feedback about – Right. Stage presence is good. Seem comfortable. Third or fourth time. I think that Seemed comfortable a third or fourth time. I think that was excellent for the third or fourth time.

It's unbelievable. Now it all makes sense. I would say the stage presence was excellent. I was impressed. Totally. With the type of hip beard look that Calvin Klein and people are loving. Faces like me and

David's, we only go on after 1 o'clock in the morning. No, no. Exactly. You're going to be up at 10.30 before us. I'm just hoping to play like the evil wizard in something. But no, look. You keep doing what you're doing. You're good.

But, you know, yeah. I mean, honestly, guys, think about it. Third or fourth time, was that not impressive? It's amazing. And furthermore, to have the balls to do something like this. You know it was good for Tommy to treat you like somebody he disliked for like a year. So Tony was like ready to rip you like a veteran comic. So congratulations.

Yeah, just tighten it up. Just tighten the story as much as possible. Oh, shut the fuck up. Seriously, shut the fuck up. You said the exact same thing, Dave. I mean, there was a lot of, you same thing, Dave. There was a lot of... You really had a lot of unnecessary... Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Great job. What the fuck? Biddick. At Biddick on Twitter. Bravo. There he goes. There he goes. There he goes. Third or fourth time.

That's cool. How fun. He could be a huge star one day, and this will be like a thing. I remember when I saw young Whitney Cummings. Yeah. She was just as bad as she is now. It really was. It's kind of awful to contemplate how successful she is

Well I hope she gets in a car wreck Continue Really is interesting She really went on the up and up She must have sucked Satan's cock That's the only solution Well I just pulled a name out I'm going to keep that right in front of me for a second

But I want to acknowledge something that I noticed Ricky Luna is back in the room Oh everybody this guy's the best. One of the guys that missed his spot. Can we unban him? Because let me tell you something. Ricky brings a high-energy performance. Does he have the toy?

Ricky, did you bring the toy? It's in my ass right now. Perfect. And do you have the musical accompaniment? Because this guy brings something I haven't seen since the days of a drag boon shak lock you know what since since my guest is so excited uh we're not gonna do the thing but let's just listen to a minute of his of his of what of something else that he's gonna are you talking about the deep throating the yes what else am i talking about yeah the ricky does this thing he's the door guy here at the comedy store uh another uh stand-up comedian, of course. But he does, one of his

areas of expertise is deep-throating a dildo. That's an actual thing. Patriot, what do you think about that? Oh, that's hardcore. There you go. Thank you very much. So, I'm thinking, Ricky, you want to do it? Yes, please.

Should we let him? He's back in the room. So I'm thinking, Ricky, you want to do it? Yes, please. Should we let him? Yes. He's back in the room. Put your hands together for at Ricky Luna lives off of his fresh band. Charles' best friend. Hi, everybody. My name is Ricky Luna, but my parents call me Pussy Bottom Faggot Junior. Hold on.

Does that mean that your father is Pussy Bottom Faggot Junior? Senior, yes. That is correct. That is absolutely correct. I'm the second. Thanks. My parents had four boys, and three out of the four, 75% of my parents' offsprings are homosexual, which I think that makes the straight one the faggot, doesn't it?

I'm a gay guy. Does everybody know what that means? It means instead of kissing girls, I have HIV. Okay, thank you. That's it. Wow. Heck yeah. Blow it up and walk away.

By the way, let me make a point here. Tony, can I make a point? Yeah. We can all learn from Ricky Luna here. Comes in, brings the energy, boom, boom, boom, leaves on a high note. Always, always a great closer eye of HIV. That's a guarantee. It's true.

It's tough to follow that. I thought, you know, awesome. Ricky, once again, we learned something from you. And he did before his time. No kiddie sound. Who won't even let himself get pussy in that way, people? That's how gay he is. He's anti-pussy.

Well done. Well done. No niceties. No coming up here chatting. Just comes up. Joke, joke, joke. I'm out of here. It's true.

Well done. Well done. Thank you. Good mic control. You know exactly how to. Although technically, isn't he a ringer? He fucking works at the store. Yeah.

For a guy that deep throats a dildo, you're really good with a mic. It's like you don't get it confused. At no point do you put it in your mouth, which one of just the worst things i used to and that was not a good thing yeah don't do that anymore okay sorry why wasn't it a good thing because you realized that you had something because it's electric and it just and it's i don't know you're just easy with it not on this show buddy yeah not a good thing people have other people have to use it. There you go.

But technically, you give head to married guys, so it's not like you always... I mean, I don't know that they're married. They don't tell me until later, or I notice on their ring the tan mark, but... The tan mark? Yeah, because they take their ring off. You're a gay detective. I'm a sleuth.

I'm a cock sleuth. How many Capital One Vikings have you... What cock sleuth. How many Capital One Vikings have you... What'd you say? How many Capital One Vikings have you blown? Only one. Ricky Loon is also notorious for... Let's not mention which one, though, because we don't want to get him yanked from the campaign.

Ricky Loon is notorious for sucking off one of the Capital One Vikings one night here. Don't use the name. I'm not going to use the name, but I mean, he's the Capital One Vikings one night here. Don't use the name. I'm not going to use the name, but I mean he's a Capital One Viking, which is definitely worth noting. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's a resume thing. Absolutely. Definitely under special skills. It should definitely be on a business card or something. I have a feeling there is a business card where he's giving that. You can go, what's in your wallet? And just fucking pull out your business card or something, you know. I have a feeling there is a business card where he's giving that. You can go, what's in your wallet? And just fucking pull out your business card.

And then you can deep throat it. Tony, even when it doesn't work, you're always one step ahead. Well, I'm still tagging it until it works. But thanks for pointing out that one didn't work. No, no, no. You know what? It shows you how great you are. That, yeah, that didn't work and yet, man, you just keep coming up with them.

That is really impressive. I don't stop. Yeah, I shut down that panic. No, no, no. It's not the bombing part. That's fine. Whatever. I'm saying the fact that you could come up with a Capital One tagline.

Of course. That's just, yeah. In a way. I painted a fake picture. He said resume. I said business card. Right there. What's in your wallet made it happen.

Yes. It's a shame I'm not doing this for other comedians tonight. I'm just talking. That's so fun. So, Ricky, what else is happening in your world? I mean, it's got to be interesting. Oh, I'm going to be in a Shakespeare play in downtown. Wow, that's the gayest thing I've ever heard of you doing.

It's gayer than sucking off a Capital One Viking. I'm going to be in a Shakespeare play. I'm in a Shakespeare play. Is it The Tempest or are you playing... It's Romeo and Juliet. Let me guess, you're not Romeo. No, I'm the nurse. Are you Juliet?

Oh my god, I just had the weirdest deja vu right now. Nobody gives a shit. Can I add something? Yes, please. As a gay man, I'd like to ask you a question. I watched a documentary on David Geffen. He's a gay man too, but he did

make an exception for Cher. Would you as a gay man make an exception for Cher when she was younger and beautiful? Why do I get the feeling that the Iron Patriot is actually Cher in a suit all of a sudden? That is like the logical progression of the plastic surgery. Would you fuck Cher?

I mean, I would I mean, don't get me wrong I would like for a dyke to fuck me in the ass with a strap on. That's always been one of my like bucket list things. Do we have a bull dyke here by any chance? Most Ajabi, would you fuck me in the ass with a strap on. That's always been one of my bucket list things. Do we have a bull dike here by any chance? Most Ajabi, would you fuck me in the ass with a strap on?

Okay, cool. She said yes. Oh, there you go. Doing your own little tangents, huh, Ricky? Sorry about that. Ricky Loon, everybody. There he goes. He's gay.

He's proud. He's a funny young rising talent. He sneezes on you, and it's also called a bakaki come to the comedy store yeah he does he loves fucking sucking dick that guy I mean to go capital one

you know what I mean he swallows balls with his asshole he can swallow a banana hole. What? What the fuck? I don't know. I just thought of it now. I bet you did.

Swallow a banana hole? What would even a banana hole be? Swallow a banana hole. I was thinking the same thing. You were like a hole that bad bananas go into. I pictured H-O-L-E. Oh, God. I love it.

I want to show you my banana with you. Oh, shit. You got this one. I already pulled somebody's name, so let's just keep it bumping. How you doing, Dave? You having fun? Doing great. I love it.

I've enjoyed the people you've had on. Some of my favorites. It's fun, right? Ricky Luna, Josh Meyerowitz, two of my favorites. Yeah, it's very exciting. Sean Leary. There he is. Talking about

Curious George. Nice share. Actually, I'm going to do something different now. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I think my biggest fear is swimming into a shark's mouth. Because when I'm swimming of a lot of things, but I think my biggest fear is swimming into a shark's mouth. Because when I'm swimming in the ocean, I can't see underwater without goggles on. So what I usually do is I just swim with my eyes closed and just follow my heart.

But then, like, in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking to myself, boy, I really hope there's not a smart shark around because if I was a smart shark and I saw me, I would be like, that guy can't see. So what I'm going to do is he's swimming this way. He can't see. I'm going to set up shop right here. I'm going to open my shark mouth

and I'm just going to let him swim inside my mouth. And then I'm going to open my shark mouth and I'm just going to let him swim inside my mouth. And then I'm going to close my mouth and I will have eaten him alive. And I don't want that. Thanks. You know what

this sounds like? The first draft of the pitch for Sharknado. They're like, I like that, but is there something more? That was silly. When you said you were going to follow your heart and stuff. That was the peak of the set. And then after that, everybody was remembering that part. But overall, fine bit.

What do you think? Tony, how would you improve it? I don't know what it is. I don't know if I've had too much coffee or it's the comedians. I'm just having such a hard time paying attention tonight. It was like Shark and then I missed the

punchline and then there was the new thing and then I'm just sort of out of it. But I'll tell you this, you have an interesting look. You look like the guy from Ghostbusters 2 that's painting Viggo. Oh, Viggo! Viggo, I can hear you!

That's great, but let me tell you what else I would have him as. Part of the Stuart Thompsons. My new group of clones. That's great. I want you to be part of Stuart and the Stuart Thompsons. Stuart and the Thompsons. Stuart and the Thomps thompson's my group of graduates yes stewart and the thompson's my group of like graduate students that are going to take over the world

like put smile as they do it oh see what do you think amy are you still here yeah how old how old are you sean i just turned 21 wow where do you go to school emerson no it No, Ithaca College in New York. My friend went there. What do you study in there? TV radio. Ithaca is the second best school in Ithaca. Ithaca is the number one college that sounds like it's a prison.

That's a good one. Am I right? Maybe Chino State. That's so funny. That's a good one. Yeah. Am I right? Maybe Chino State. Oh, that's so funny. That's a good one. See, you pretend like you're, I don't know. David Taylor is one of the quickest guys I know. That's so sweet.

For you to say Chino State like that, it's nothing. So you sneak your little quick thoughts in like you're a nurse that's like, oh, no pain. There you go. Then people just go. Yes, comedy and aesthetic. Me, I'm like, nurse that's like, oh, no pain. There you go. Then people just, yes, comedy. I'm like, here we go,

everybody. Here's it's coming. Uh, how many times you didn't stand up? Um, I've been doing it like a year now, two years in New York, just,

you know, just at school. Basically, you know, uh, Regan went to Ithaca. Wow. Yeah.

And Regan's, uh, one of our, we have a friend who's a comedy writer who's outstanding. One of the smartest, funniest writers. Really, really smart. Very funny. He just, in fact, got a job working on The Family Guy. Family Guy, yes.

Really big deal. He and I worked on the same show until I was fired, and they said, we want six of that. So he's that good. Yeah, he's fantastic. So you know what you should try to do is try to contact him under the auspices of some imaginary alumni program. He's seriously awesome. I would try to sit down with him. Do you want to write for TV?

I'd like to, yeah. What I would do if I were you, I would email him and say, I go to Ithaca. I heard you went to Ithaca. I was wondering if we could sit down and have a coffee. Okay, cool. What was his name? I'm not going to tell you that. Wait, really?

Find it out It's Chris Regan I'm not going to I was trying to all of a sudden put together the pieces that we did say Did we give him enough to figure it out? Is the rest of your material silly like that? Is that how all your stuff that you write is?

Just kind of silly? Yeah, kind of like that It's kind of half and half I was really nervous when of like that. I don't know. It's like kind of half and half. I don't know. I was really nervous when I came up here. I don't remember what the bit was about. What bit did you just do? It was just about how my biggest fear is swimming into a shark's mouth. Oh, that was you. Okay, yeah.

I know, man. That's what I'm saying. It's fucked up up here. It's an ADD fucking chamber. No, don't apologize. Here's the important thing for you to remember. The material is unimportant. All that matters is personality. It's all that matters in how you look. But I didn't look at you when you were performing

because I was thinking about, I wonder who won the Home Run Derby. Does anybody know? Well, you're fucking good for nothing. Anyway, that's what I was thinking about. Look, talk to me after, and I will give you Regan's email, maybe. There you go. Okay, thanks. Maybe. You're not going to get weird I will give you Regan's email maybe. There you go.

Maybe. You're not going to get weird, are you? I don't think so. It's not a good sign. I don't know if I'd give him his email. I think he has enough to work off of. You'll find it. I'll do the work. Yeah, but don't mention my name. Well, how about

a big round of applause for Sean Leary, everybody, on applause for Sean Leary everybody on Twitter at Sean Leary show by the way Ricky Luna was at Ricky Luna lives on Twitter and Biddick David Biddick was at Biddick B-I-T-T-I-C-K just for anybody if you want to tweet at anybody

or anything like that fine young talent oh look at this a female a lovely lady put your hands together for Crystal Oates. Hey, so I'm dating a Jewish guy and it's going really well. I'm learning a lot about Jewish people. Just found out that rabbis can date. I did not know that. And no, my boyfriend is not a rabbi. But he dated a rabbi. So I learned two things. Rabbis can date and rabbis can be women. He has a horrible reason for breaking up with her, though. He claims she had a very big bush and it wasn't the

70s. I'm guessing that's a lie. So now, just to fuck with them, whenever my bush gets out of control, I call it my rabbi. Thanks, guys. I'm Crystal. Crystal Oates. You know what that sounded like? That sounded like a story from Life in These United States from Reader's Digest.

I don't remember those. It would be like little anecdotes and then there would be a cartoon next to it and there would be like a woman with a giant bush with Jewish headgear on it. That's what I think it would be. That's exactly the thing I would like to read. Yeah, absolutely. I would be horrified by that.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Crystal? A little more than four years. Wow. In LA? Yeah. Wow. You have such a cool look. There's something so Jackie Brown and charismatic about you. That's cool. Thanks.

Yeah. How long have you been dating the Jewish guy? A year, almost. What's wrong with him? He's awesome. I'm not hearing that. What do you guys think about the relationship? Ricky, how do you think

it's going with her and the Jewish guy? He's rich. Ricky, you're good at assessing out problems with relationships. That's how you have sex with all of your gay straight boyfriends. What do you think is going on with her and the rich guy who dated the rabbi? She's too much for him.

Ricky, you are the best. Like, honestly, that's exactly the problem, isn't it? That is exactly the problem. Because I follow the rabbi? Is that what you're saying? No, no. I don't get where this is going. This relationship is working.

How much does she talk about his mother? Good question. Good question. How much does he talk about his mother? Josh. Not a lot. Josh knows you're on a trip. I mean, Jesus Christ. He doesn't talk about his mother? Josh. Not a lot. Josh knows you're on a trip. I mean, Jesus Christ.

He doesn't talk about his mom a lot, honestly. Well, wait. Does he not love his mother? What's wrong with him? He loves her. Oh, look. He doesn't love her that much if he's dating a black girl.

Oh. That's like a great, like, fuck you to the family. No way. I'm awesome. I didn't say you weren't awesome, but let me tell you something. Did anybody know any Jewish parents?

They are crazy. Have you met the parents? I'm sorry. Yes, I have. And they're very progressive people. Just once? We spend a lot of time together. How progressive?

I'm sure they have to act progressive in front of you, first of all. They're not going to act shocked like their son didn't warn them. They're not going to, oh my God, she's black. The only way they're happy with this is if you dumped a Palestinian to danger. Oh, god, she's black? The only way they're happy with this is if he dumped a Palestinian to date you. Oh, that's true. So maybe he stretched them out and then brought you in there. But other than that,

no, they're horrified. They love me. Did you meet them at a haunted house? Where do they live? Are they LA too? The parents? Yeah, they're LA too. So he just comes from money, money, money. Maybe. Is he in a flalo?

That's hilarious. What's his last name? I'm not familiar with that term. Oh, well then you don't know Jews in Los Angeles. What does he do for a living? He is actually semi-retired. He works in healthcare. See what I'm talking about?

What? How old is this guy? Where are you guys going with this? Honestly, I think his parents are cool with it because they've been dead for like 20 years his parents are alive his grandparents are even alive he's 45 and he's awesome

oh you're so funny the stuff that you have to convince yourself when you're just spending some guy's cash it's so funny it's adorable how women will make it look like, he's a great guy. I'd love to see how you felt about him

if he only had $3,000 to his name. Stop and think about this. I wouldn't know how I felt about him. You'd be out of there in a heartbeat. There's no standing by your man. Oh no, Tony, he sounds like a dream. He's a 45-year-old guy who talks about his ex-girlfriend's bush.

Sign me up. This sounds great. That is true. Is that part true? Oh, it sounds like a dream. He's a 45-year-old guy who talks about his ex-girlfriend's bush. Sign me up. This sounds great. That is true. Is that part true? Oh, it's just a joke. We were drinking and it was a joke he made. So I told you in the joke that he's probably lying about the whole bush thing. And she doesn't trust him.

There's nothing good about this relationship. I mean, that's like a silly reason to break up with someone. The whole relationship is nothing that she didn't change. Honestly, wait until you hear what he gives you. Do you trust him? I do. Oh, that's so sweet. That's really sweet. Have you ever had a Jewish lawyer before?

I have. Why? How'd that work out for you? It worked out wonderfully. We won. Wow. What was that about? Next new question. Car accident. This woman was on the phone. Crystal's a lot of personality. I'll say this.

A lot of personality. Definitely. Definitely. A shining, charismatic beam in a dark, dark world. Good for you, Crystal. Thank you so much. That's Big Chris NLA. It's a terribly spelled Twitter handle.

You have no marketing behind it whatsoever. Big K-R-I-S, the letter N, L-A. Nobody will ever get that right. You could just be like Red Pizza and then people would go there easier. People find it. Yeah, one out of ten people find it. That's good odds.

That's at Big Chris N-L-A. Oh, how exciting. We've had him on before and he's back. Put your hands together for Jerron Horton, everybody. Live in the clutch. I hate when my friends die, and people say stuff like, it's okay, God needed him for something special. What if that special thing was like a heaven versus hell basketball game?

People on earth crying and stuff like lord why'd you take martin from us because he has an amazing jump shot that's why did you have to take malcolm too yeah he's six five and hell just signed the big three they got hitler osama and that dude from glee you went too far hold on hold on hold on hold on heaven's been

heaven's been trying to sign Magic Johnson for years let's give him A's that'll kill him no okay let's make his son gay maybe he'll kill himself

you know you know Magic Johnson's gay right yeah if if huh magic johnson but pause pause here for a second you know magic johnson is gay right oh okay i'm just putting it out there i was talking about his son but the magic is also but that's a great joke back sorry let me make that clear well i just had one more tag where i was like gonna be like uh Magic Johnson, if you're listening to Kill Tony, heaven needs you. They're getting killed right now. Martin Luther King just got dunked on by Osama because Malcolm X can't play help defense.

I'm going to end it right there. That is a great bit, by the way. I love it, man. Absolutely. The way you wired in the new dead Glee guy, I mean, I just love that shit. Yeah, that's perfect. Can I make a point here? I would suggest maybe possibly one person was just bench depth where they didn't really need him, but just God is a really, really selfish GM.

That's a possibility. That's the kind of premise that you could stretch that out to be some crazy seven to ten minute long closer. You know what I mean? I was going to use it to stretch it to talk about, like, stretch that out to be some crazy seven to ten minute long closer you know what i was i was i was heaven and hell and i was gonna uh use it to stretch it to talk about like because i think i could talk about on this show because like your listeners are kind of fucked up anyway but um like in a good way though in a good way in a good way listen i was bad in a good way after saying no they love me they love me at geron horton they love me but um thisron Horton. They love me. This guy knows how to promote.

No, they – I've been on there like three times, and they send me shit. Of course. Yeah, they're great. Thank you. Why do you think Red Band and I are wearing custom-made Toronto BJs jerseys with our names on the back? Shit, I want one too. That's nice. I bet.

But I was going to stretch it with the Trayvon Martin stuff because you know how they were saying someone was yelling help on the 911 call. I was going to be like, you know, and Martin Luther King got dunked on because Trayvon Martin can't play help defense. And that's a good joke, and I was telling that to somebody earlier, but it's just not... I don't think I could ever get away with that. I fucking love it, and I totally think you should do that. You know who else couldn't get away with anything? Trayvon Martin. And by the way, you could totally make that so that after that you say, I never thought I'd be able to get away with saying that,

and then you could also slip that in. No, no, I'm going to keep that for my own Heaven vs. Hell. No, that's not how it works, Dave. No, no. Actually, I just came up with this great idea for a bit about a Heaven vs. Hell basketball game. And I think it's going to be great.

Thank you for helping me with that. There he goes. By the way, no, that was like, this bit is so good right it feels like it's in the wrong room doesn't it like oh yeah it should be i can't get on downstairs what i don't get on downstairs man welcome to my world yeah okay by the way this guy won the didn't remember we had you in the i got second place because i don't eat pussy oh yeah well we had who was it what we had some what the fuck is wrong with you we had some wait

you really don't eat well i have but it's not like common for me to do so you must hate it then no i love it is it common for you to get laid he's a black guy black guys don't need pussy guys well yeah but but he's sort of light-skinned have you tasted a dick does it taste better no i mean i i think i i mean personally i think I think that it's like eating pussy is just like a way to get pussy when you can't get pussy. You know, that's the way I see it. It's like cheating. Nobody cares about your opinion. I totally see what you're saying there.

Absolutely. This guy, I'm telling you, it's a, how are you not getting on downstairs? I just, I signed the list, but they don't. Oh, oh, yeah, I forgot. You're black look that is yeah that and i'm serious like you need to tell tommy uh tommy goes back and forth between hating all black people and hating all black people but being afraid for his job and giving them lots of spots so if you can catch him on like the second phase you're gonna do real good for yourself yeah I hope so. Oh, fuck yeah, he's afraid of Trayvon Martin riots in the OR.

That's fucking sweet. Tommy's that sort of racist. The sort of racist that doesn't think things through. Man, I thought that bit was great. You know what? I'm probably going to start acknowledging you now. Thank you, man. Really funny, really funny. There he is.

That's J-E-R-R-O-N Horton. Make sure I hashtag it Kill Tony. There you go. Jerron Horton, everybody. Trying to get one last thing in there. This is exciting. We know this guy. He's one of the worst producers, one of the worst people that help out,

but I love him. He's an employee here and a very charismatic, rising young talent. Put your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody. Randomly pulled out of a bucket at Josh Martin Comic. Talk about being a proud father. Hold on, did you get the Cher greatest hits? Because I've heard Believe and If I Could Turn Back Time.

Oh, I have everything for you, man. How do you have Cher on... Why don't you Cher some more of those songs? Hello! It's me! That's Todd Rundgren. You got it. I recently saw a picture of my nephew.

I love this guy. He's the cutest kid. And I feel like I'm just like my sister's ex-husband. I realize. Because I feel like there's no moment prouder as a father than holding your baby up in the air. And you look at those beautiful eyes. Those eyes look back at you. And you realize you made the worst decision of your life. And then you just run.

You run as far as you can. That's what I would do. I would just run. And probably buy a sandwich in the way. Can I pause this here? Yeah, let's stop, because I can't think of another thing. Here's the thing.

I won't be able to pay attention to this. This is a good bit, but I'll say this. When you wipe out like you did in the middle of the... You have to figure out... I have gum in my mouth. Go ahead, listen. Just relax, Josh.

You have got... I've never been this direct with anybody ever on this show with an immediate game-changing piece of advice. You have got to do whatever it takes to be able to summon noises like that to add into what you do. Shit, he can't even... Because all of a sudden,

your words don't even fucking matter. Tony, you're asking for a lot of vocal control from somebody who can't speak regularly. I know. He's the speech impediment comedian. I'll say this right now. The bit's really good, but man, that fucking white bat. But I will say this.

It did start a little creepy with the, I love my nephew. I feel like my sister's ex-husband. It took me to a weird place, but then you brought it back there with the wanting to run away. I didn't get it. I just didn't get the sister's ex-husband. It seems like it's a lot of information. It's a lot of information. It's a lot of information. But I'll say, if you can get to that place where you're holding the baby and thinking, I want to run, that to me is a good...

Oh, you're relating that to how the dad felt. Yeah. He ran away. Did he really? Yeah. The way you say ran away is priceless. Yeah, that's right. Do it again for us.

Wang away. Wow. Run, run, run. Run, run. Run, run, run. Yeah. Can I say something about Josh Martin? Yeah. You notice even when he's not doing material,

even when he's making the sounds that I don't even understand how it comes from a grown-up adult. Right. Real presence. Like really draws you in with the story. This guy, yeah, there's an X factor there. Well, he's got good timing. He's got good beats. His beats are good.

Yeah. Yeah. You're definitely an interesting character. That noise thing, though, man. I mean, if you could slip that in the shit. You need to figure out how to do that. That's what I'm saying. There was an amazing moment.

I wish I was already listening to this podcast so that I could rewind it. Because, I mean, that almost made a little pee come out. I almost got to that point where I was having a nervous breakdown of laughter. I couldn't even believe it when it happened. Yeah, it was that, where it was like that sound. I don't even know what it was.

It was like a little popcorn. I'm having a baby! Definite Edith Bunker sound there. I liked it. All right, you've got 20 seconds still. Hold on, Kevin, did you already go up downstairs? Yeah. Definite Edith Bunker sound there. I liked it. I liked it. All right. You got 20 seconds still. Hold on. Kevin, did you already go up downstairs?

Yeah. I wanted to see it. How'd it go? Are you going up anywhere else? Where are you going? I want to see you. This is not great for podcasting. Yeah, it's not good.

What? All right. You got 20 seconds, Josh, if you want it. What? I'm good. Okay. Josh Martin, guys. There you go.

Josh Martin. Fuck yeah. There you go, Josh Martin. Fuck yeah. There he goes. What I like is how you're like, this guy's the worst producer ever, and Josh is getting up like he recognizes his intro. Oh yeah, totally. Totally. Oh, that's me. I got it. It's

unbelievable. It's Josh, yeah. Patriot, what'd you think of Josh? Even though he abuses you, just know that he loves you. That's how I deal with it. Patriot, can you make that sound? I need more howling, man. I love the howling. Towards the end of all this stuff, I need more howling.

Thank you. I love it. How do you make that one noise that's in the middle there? There's one that sounds almost fake. It's very orgasmic, isn't it? I guess for you. I bet we can get one more in before having to head to our main event. Is he here?

Oh, wow. Put your hands together for Trace Stewart, everybody. Thank you, thank you. A legend of the belly room. Legend Comedy Store employee, notorious for hooking up with chicks. He says anywhere above, somewhere around the 75 since he's been,

since he's been an employee here. Around 75 chicks he's hooked up with at the Comedy Store. Who knows? You could be sitting next to one of those ladies right now. Thank you. Thank you. It's good to be here. I'm going to make this quick, though, because my bus is coming in eight minutes.

I don't got time to miss it. It's only one minute. That's good. That's good. Hold on. Pause here. Guys, this is Matt Goldich, television writer. And also from TV's Late Show

with Craig Ferguson. Okay, here's the deal, guys. Can I suggest a segment here? Can we have a guest guest where Matt comes up and gives his feedback about this comic? I think it would be great. A one-time guest guest? One time. Come up here.

Just for one time, come up here. Just come up here and tell me what you think about his bitch. Come on up. Sit down. Matt Goldich, everybody,

in the house. A real live television writer and comedian. It's nice to see you, Matt. How are you? Good to see you. Fuck yeah. Matt, Brian Redband.

Me and Matt and Tony all used to work in the same little corridor at... On a studio lot. Well, now we all don't work. What do I do? Okay, just sit here, listen to his bit, and then give feedback. Who's this guy? Trey Stewart.

How's it going? Never convicted of sexual assault, Trey Stewart. That's true. Never. I saw a billboard promoting plastic surgery for dogs. And I think that's the last thing L.A. needs is even more fake-ass bitches running around. See, we got enough. A cute girl got on the bus, and I want to talk about that.

She got on the bus and sat right next to me. And I started talking to her. Everything's going good. So I go to get her number, and this is what she says. She looks at me. She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I go to get a number, and this is what she says. She looks at me. She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I don't give my number out to guys who ride the bus. She said, you do realize you're on the bus, too.

That's the only reason I was talking to her, because we were both losing in life. And she was like, well, if a guy wants my number, he's got to have his life together. He's got to have a good car and a lot of money. I was like, if I had my life together, I wouldn't be talking to your broke ass. I'd be out trying to find somebody. Bitches always want to upgrade for free, and I'm tired of money. If I had my life together, I wouldn't be talking to your broke ass. I'd be out trying to find somebody. Bitches always want to upgrade for free. And I'm tired of it. And that's it. That's the end of it.

Wow. That was more of a statement. Can I tell you right now? I hear like a young Morgan Freeman in that bit. Oh yeah, definitely. He's going to be a narrator one day. Television writer and feature comedian Matt Golditz,

what did you think about that? I think you guys nailed it. By the way, your hair's looking really good. Did you get a trim? This is a TV cut, wasn't it? No, post-TV. Oh, so how did it go? I have not seen the set.

I hear it went well. How did it go? Well, first of all, I'm sure he's loving that we're talking about it. Hold on, hold on. He's learning. Yeah, it's fine. It was good. It was fun sure he's loving that we're talking about it. Hold on, hold on. He's learning. Yeah, it's fine. It was good. It was fun.

I held the microphone too close to my face. What is that? This was on Conan Ferguson. Ferguson. My favorite TV appearance in that spot is Brody Stevens did a set on that, but did not realize you were supposed to wear a T-shirt underneath, and sweated out of his pits like Albert Brooks in broadcast news. If you still mention it.

It's only a four-minute set. It was incredible. I don't know how you sweat that much during a set. But, yeah, it was really amazing. Now, did it go by quickly? Were you excited? Were you nervous? How old was the material?

How'd it go? What did you do? You want me to answer all eight questions at once? Yes, all at once. Tell me about it. The material was very old. It went by very quickly. It was a lot of fun.

It went well. I was very happy with it. Did I miss anything? Ferguson. What was he like? Very nice. And then did you tape that in advance or was that night of the show? Taped it on a Wednesday. Aired on a Friday. Very nice. A little behind the scenes. Friday night Ferguson. That's fun. Four of you guys.

Where are we? Oh, this is Tony's open mic show. Oh, okay. Hi, Tony. Hello. How are you? It's a live podcast. Does anybody have any questions for television writer Matt Goldich, everybody? I don't even know. Oh, my goodness. Anybody have a question?

Hold on. Ask away. Yes. Jerron. How many pages does a writing packet have to be? Great question. I mean, it really depends on the show. You've given him nothing.

That's not even an answer. That is the answer. You wrote for the Jesselden Confessor. That's actually the correct answer. How many pages was the packet? That an answer. You wrote for the Jesselden Confessor. That's actually the correct answer. The Jesselden Confessor. How many pages was that? It wasn't so much pages. It was like they wanted two of this idea, one of this idea, one of that.

So really, the biggest mistake you could make would be to submit something that was not right for that particular show. So you really want to get the actual submission requirements for that show and then do it for that show. That's the best advice. This guy knows about diversity,

considering he wrote for Anthony Jeselnik and Ellen DeGeneres. Wow. That is the spectrum of misogyny to lesbianism. I only write for blondes. Very nice. Who is the Letterman to, I guess, technically counts? He's strawberry blonde, I guess. And with that said,

that's Matt Goldich, everybody. Follow him on Twitter. Wow, he's an exciting guest. You have to be an exciting second guest. Of course, absolutely. Are you sticking around? Do you leave or what? What's the story? Okay, good. Yeah, we'll see you in a bit

My friend Mackle Trey, we're done with you Get out of here You did great, man Trey will be back soon He's always here working and doing comedy But most importantly Just trying to bang chicks

That's all he's into Trey's one of those guys that can't hide how much he loves women. So if a strange girl walks by him, if we're having... This happened a week ago. There was a group of us all hanging out in a circle and a strange woman who nobody knew

that was sort of alright, cute, I guess, walked by. He's just in a conversation. He doesn't think anybody's looking and he just dips right behind her like with a stalky walk. You know, I'm picturing like a cartoon dog following a steak. Oh yeah, totally, exactly. I mean, it was very creepy. I go, what the fuck are you doing? I couldn't help myself but to immediately go,

what are you doing? And he like snapped out of it. He gets so excited that he thinks nobody can see him. All right, anyway. This is an exciting portion of the show. He gets so excited that he thinks nobody can see him. All right. Anyway, this is an exciting portion of the show. As people who have followed along know, the legend of Sarah Mosta Jabi and Kim Congdon, two young, rising female stand-up comedians who started stand-up basically in this room

and have been progressively being built week by week in certain ways by whoever me and my friend is of that week I'm very excited about this because we've decided to lift Sarah's ban her probation she's temporarily off probation and last week we kind of ran out of time but they both went up you guys both did a good job you guys did 45 seconds each we were running out of time which is why I've purposefully put a few minutes

here towards the end to be able to cover this because it's a part of the show that I always like and especially tonight I'm really excited about because not only are they both going to get back to their usual full minute of material, but there's no competition. It's sort of organically, we're just going to...

Unless they don't show up and then they're... Right. And then you hear that noise that somebody makes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! There you go. The old dying dog at the end. But so with that said,

and also I'm very excited about this one because David is notoriously honest and aggressive would be an understatement towards women. Sometimes nice. Most of the time, not so nice. Like God himself. He tries to remind them of their father that hated them. There was a reason for that.

So with no further, what do they say, ado or something like that, let's start off with the original female of Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Sarah Mostajabi. of Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Sarah Mostajabi. Or as she's known on Twitter, the infamous at Sarah Dress is an icon since episode one. So a couple weeks ago,

actually when we were second time on this show, I was told that my last name, Mostajabi, which is a Persian name, was too intense. In my defense, I haven't screamed out jihad since my last orgasm. So it's not really my fault. Although I get it. Legend has it that if you say my last name three times in the dark, my dad shows up in a Cosby sweater and a white BMW and chokes

you to death with a gold chain. Although you think he's wearing a Cosby sweater, he's not. He's just not wearing a shirt. And that hairiness runs in the family, right down to me. I have to shave my body with a sickle. All right, all right, that's enough. Wow. Okie dokie. Well, you really are hitting those stereotypes pretty hard.

My dad is an engineer, my uncle owns a liquor store, and my other uncle owns a tobacco shop. Kind of like a notoriously stereotyped fulfillment in my family. I mean, even the things that you just said right then give you opportunities for better premises than saying that he's not actually wearing a sweater.

It's like, you gotta go one deeper, you know what I mean? David? Does anybody know who won the Home Run Derby? That's a serious question. Nobody has answered that yet. Goldich, do you know? It seems like you would have watched. No Phillies in there.

Oh, who was in the finals? I thought that you did pretty good. You could have went into more at the beginning when you said like, you say j was in the finals? I thought that you did pretty good. You could have went into more at the beginning when you said, like, you say jihad in the bedroom, even though that's probably been done a million times. But you could say, like, you were blowing that dick up or something like that. You could probably go into that more.

You only used 40 seconds of, you know, a minute. You could have thrown some bullshit in there. Like, she seems very comfortable on stage. Yeah. Women usually are very comfortable at the beginning because they're used to being stared at. And then they kind of don't get any better because they're just getting constant praise.

For no reason. But they don't have to improve. Again, Whitney has a television show, so you don't need to focus on improvement. The name Most Ajabi is your fucking ticket in entertainment. Never Ellis Island that. There are always going to be fucking opportunities for a brown woman.

So if I were you, I wouldn't necessarily hammer the stereotype so hard. I would do the ridiculous thing where people talk about their family and do that fucking stupid accent that none of these parents have ever sounded like. I don't want to fucking... I hate that. Wait, wait, hold ever sounded like. I don't want to fucking... I hate that.

Wait, wait, hold on a second. You don't want to do that, but then you just did 45 seconds about screaming jihad with your pussy? Let's not act like... I've been in this

for a fucking month, so I would appreciate some actual advice and less dickholery. That would be cool. Whoa, whoa. That wasn't even dickholery. No, that really wasn't.

I'm saying choose your integrity. Where are you going? I'm still listening. I'm just like... Oh. Where are you going? I'm still listening. I'm just like... Oh, man. You are on double probation, watch. You better get back on stage, young lady.

What do you think this... What the fuck? Huh? Yeah. The cat is angry. What is that? So you really think that I should do like the... Where I make like the Persian dad voice and... What do you mean make it up? Isn where I make the Persian dad voice?

What do you mean make it up? Isn't that what your dad sounds like? No, I mean it's just so many, especially Persian comics, they all do that. And they're not talking about the sweater and the G-Hive. I mean you hit every single stereotype.

It's unbelievable. So you're saying that one stereotype's bad and one isn't. The only two other Persian comics I've seen, they both did that. So that's why I didn't do it. Did what? The voice. So that's why I didn't do it. Did what? The voice.

So you did the only thing that you saw them do. I did something I hadn't seen them do. Because I haven't. But you have seen them all make hairy jokes and shaving jokes. Something on fire, by the way. It does smell like burning. Oh, don't worry.

We have our crack team of the former general manager's imaginary father working on that. No question, that's great. Jonas Suspidas. Oh, is that who won? Yeah. Fuck, he had a great first round. Did you watch? Oh, come on.

Anyway, Jesus Christ. Sorry. You're talking about a home run derby that's going to be two weeks before anybody hears this. Sarah, you seem furiously angry. You're just giving us these looks like we're supposed to be blown away by... Are you dragging? No. Just the last...

Excuse me. What did you just ask? The fact that he asked you to do the voice is what offends you this much? I don't even want to go into it. I don't think you have a leg to stand on, so why don't we go into it? What is it that he said that offended you so much? Just our previous interactions and his general disposition toward me. I just don't appreciate it.

And so when it just come out of his mouth, it just pissed me off. I'm sorry. I have a fucking vagina. I'm sensitive. What do you want from me? Anyway, that's not an excuse, by the way. It just pissed me off. I'm sorry. I have a fucking vagina. I'm sensitive. What do you want from me? Anyway, that's not an excuse, by the way. The old I have a vagina. Look around you.

There are plenty of other people with vaginas here. Like Ricky Luna. Yeah, exactly. You don't need him to say that. That guy has had more in his ass than anybody. Honestly, he's honorary woman, and yet he was able to take the criticism and respond, I thought, We didn't criticize him. Well, why didn't we criticize him? yet he was able to take the criticism and respond I thought well why didn't we criticize him

because he was fucking great alright Ricky great job she's a newer comedian however you know I just think it's important to stay open minded and not get angry you want to make friends in this business take it from me yeah

there you go there's Sarah Mostajabi at Sarah Dresses. Just don't look Dave in the eye when you see him in the hallway. It's the best way to get by. And don't try to make up for it later. It'll just be weird. He just gets meaner the second time. Well, I'm excited

because this is the awesome, this is one of my awesome, new, fun things. She replaced Sarah when Sarah missed her spot, and she actually started stand-up comedy on this show. Very cool chick. Put your hands together for Kim Congdon, everybody. Here she is. Hi, guys.

here she is hi guys um if there's one thing i hate about kids uh it's everything um and i think that's because my mom had a home daycare when we were younger uh and kids are such smart asses we had a this one little girl she was a little black girl and she had like her belly always poked out like this and she had the little like outie like little black girls do and the dried boogers. I was like, Kinesia, it's time for nap time. She was like, but my daddy said that we could sleep when we die. The fuck? I don't even know how to get into,

I was like, Kinesia, it's time to take a nap. You gonna make me take a nap? I'm like, noacea. It's time to take a nap. You gonna make me take a nap? I'm like, no, I'm not gonna make you take a nap. And with that being said, I don't know what the fuss is about abortion. Everyone's freaking out about it. I'm saying if you get pregnant, give it a try.

Have the kid. You change your mind in a few years. You can always post-abort in Florida. I hear it's legal there. And that's it. There you go. Always adorable, always likable, and with a smile, Kim Congdon.

I have nothing to add. That was great. I thought that was really outstanding. Good voice. You did a great job. The voice was excellent. Thank you. I mean, we could all take a lesson from Kim. Everybody, could we please give another hand for her? Was she not fucking great?

Very impressive. It was beyond impressive. It shows you what could be done. You know, it's truly outstanding. You know, it's so refreshing to see someone with talent on this stage. I just, that was, Tony, thank you for letting me see that. It makes me feel so much better about the last, like, three minutes.

Absolutely. I totally agree with you. I think the dry booger baby impression. David, David, David. If you're not here, there's a standing ovation taking place right now. I don't know if the cameras are picking that up. And high fives are happening. Thank you so much.

You're leaving? Is it at the end of the show? No. What do you mean? What are you talking about? It's a problem. It's a problem. What podcast have you been on where you just do one thing?

After seeing that, I feel like everything is going to be a letdown. Okay? That was really good, and I was a little surprised. What do you mean? We still have to check out with the Patriot. We're going to get some letdown. Okay, that was really good, and I was a little surprised. What do you mean? We still have to check out with the Patriot. We're going to get some. Anything you want to plug or anything?

Kim, by the way, what is your official Twitter handle? It's Kimberly Congdon. Right. Kimberly? C-O-N-G-D-O-N. Gotcha. Yeah. And Sarah with Sarah Dresses.

Of course. She's very notoriously followed. I have like 46 followers now. You know what? Maybe you'll get up to 47. I hope so. Wow, the David Taylor follow. I'm not going to do it, but somebody else will. Still, I thought it was great.

And you've been doing spots other places since you started here a few weeks ago? Yeah. I hosted yesterday. I did a couple of shows yesterday. At Hooters, right? Yeah, this is like my sixth time going up. Nice. Awesome.

Yeah. There she goes, Kim Congdon, everybody. All right, cool. Thanks. Awesome. Always a breath of fresh air. She's crushing. Love that.

Love that. Love that. I don't know if I've ever heard anybody do the dry booger voice. Like you hear it in real life. That voice was really good. Now, was it racist? Probably, but still great, you know?

It's kind of like the Zimmerman verdict. Was it racist? Sure. But did I agree every second? Yes, absolutely. I grew up in a black neighborhood, a prominently black neighborhood. I think the word you're looking for is predominantly. Yes, of course.

I noticed that immediately. Trust me, I'm just as much of an obsessive asshole as you are. And I've heard that noise so many times and I haven't heard it in forever. I know. That's great. Yeah, that's really, that voice is really, yeah. By the way, the name, perfect. You know, if that wasn't a real name,

I feel like they could put you to work naming black babies. David, what are you doing? You got anything to promote? You're at this David Taylor on Twitter, is that correct? Yeah. This David Taylor, spelled exactly like that. This David Taylor, at this David Taylor on Twitter. As always, so much fun to hang out with you. Always a pleasure. So much fun to have you be part of it. Thank you so much. I can't wait to hear the feedback on Twitter. As always, so much fun to hang out with you.

Always a pleasure. So much fun to have you be part of it. Thank you so much. I can't wait to hear the feedback on this. Iron Patriot, anything coming up? Anything you want to promote? He's at ComicPatriot on Twitter. Any last words before you knock over your own microphone?

This is the only show I do. This is the only show you do. I want to say something about this guy that I learned today. I listened to the Skeptic Tank, Ari Shaffir. And in the 90s, he owned a million dollars of stock. And he left the company six months too early, and

that's what he went into comedy to do. No, no, the company left me. They fired me. That wasn't me leaving. That was the way I left my last job writing on television. It was hilarious. The whole story was great. Thank you so much. There you go. There he is, the Comic Patriot.

Iron Patriot. He's at Comic Patriot on Twitter. Again, a shout out to AtDudeCityFilms for hanging out, producing, taping, being a fun friend. Sarah Dresses, Kim Congdon, Josh Martin, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you, Toronto, again, one more time for an amazing fucking weekend. If you're listening, again, one more time for an amazing fucking weekend, if you're listening. You saw the jerseys. We wear them with pride and proud. Thank you so much, and we'll see you next week. Thank you for the set, Tony. I want your comment. Next time I do this, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.