KILL TONY - KILL TONY #74

Episode Date: November 25, 2014

Dave Attell, Jimmy Shubert, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Scott Kidd, Brian Redban – Date: 10/13/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please check out our website, click on Tour Dates to find out when the next Death Squad secret show is going to be at the Comedy Store. That's right, the Comedy Store main room, the big room at the Comedy Store, Death Squad, has one to two shows a month now. and in the past we had the return of joe rogan bill burr uh doug stanhope doug benson steve rinna zizi eliza schlesinger so many people have already done it and you never know who's going to be on it next so check out death squad dot tv click on tour dates also check out our official death squad store with t-shirts mugs stickers, stickers, posters, all the crap. Go to shopsquad.tv. All right. Here's a brand new episode with a brand new mixer. This is the first time I used the mixer. It's way better than it used to be, but it should sound way better. But I think this

is like the first time I ever used it. So it might be a little weird here and there uh but it gets better the more it uh we do this so anyways check it out i mean that even makes sense here's the new episode of kill tony hey this is red van coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Henscliff! Yeah, baby! Big Monday night here at the Comedy Store. How you guys doing, live audience?

You listeners on the other side of the world hear that? That is the sound of Monday night magic, everybody. How exciting. Episode 70-something of Kill Tony. Almost 80-something. We lost count at some point, guys. We're at that point of podcasting now where episodes don't even matter. Everything's great.

So, welcome, guys. This is a very exciting Monday. We have a lot of fun stuff coming up. So, welcome, guys. This is a very exciting Monday. We have a lot of fun stuff coming up. So, check us out. Kiltoni's coming to Toronto. That's November 7th. That's a really big deal. Or November 9th.

One of the two. Pick it up. One of the other days is the roast of Ron Jeremy, which I'm doing, which looks very promising and exciting. John Wayne Bobbitt is on the dais. And so is Screech. Just got added. Are you serious? so is Screech just got added.

Are you serious? Yeah, Screech just got added from Saved by the Bell. So there you go. That'll be fun in Toronto. But let's talk about tonight, shall we? Is that like shooting fish in a bucket? No, no, it's actually not. People think roasting somebody easy is easy but for perfect

example charlie sheen when uh all that stuff was happening with him and he had that huge meltdown the first time that he came back was during the comedy central roast of charlie sheen like that was a big deal at the time because nobody had seen him that's why it's still you know the most watched roast ever and anyway the point is is that you have to dig deeper to try to find the epic roast joke that everybody will remember instead of something easy. So everybody had to work a little harder and crush, even though the main target would be considered already made fun of. Like if there was a roast of Kim Kardashian, you'd end up hearing 80 jokes you couldn't

even fathom their power because you've got to dig deep. Anyway, after a lecture teaching you all how to write roast jokes, good luck. This is Kill Tony Something Something, and we have a sponsor, everybody. Her name is Chef Elise Lane, and she's not here right now. Where'd she go? Put your hands together for our chef, Chef Elise Lane, everybody. It's that fucking Stuart Thompson She started dating a door guy That's what happened now she's distracted

See how quick that happens Fucking Stuart Thompson I knew it Alright anyway She's got a new boyfriend everybody Put your hands together for that Who's kidnapped her away from being here She's at the girl with the pan She's on a new boyfriend, everybody. Put your hands together for that. Who's kidnapped her away from being here. She's at the girl with the pan. She's on Twitter, at Elise Lane.

And something that we do every week is she cooks us and the guests a gourmet meal. And we always enjoy the hell out of it. I used to announce what that meal is myself. But in lieu of something funnier, after a few weeks of doing that, I decided to have our speech impediment infested producer, Josh Martin, the runaround guy, put your hands together for Josh Martin.

He's going to read the recipe everybody. But the catch is that when he reads the recipe, if he stutters speech impediment Josh, if he stutters, speech impediment Josh, if he stutters or stops at any point in reading the recipe,

if he pauses at any moment, he gets flicked in the nuts. Monday night, would you be excited to see something like that? I would not. Monday night, Ballet Room, kill Tony 70-something. Would you like to see

the opportunity of Josh Martin getting hit in the nuts? There we fucking go. You gonna look at it? What are you doing? He has to read it, doesn't he?

Let me just tell you before I hand this to you that this isn't the hardest one he's ever had to read. The last week was definitely the hardest. However, what we found out

from the couple weeks of doing this is that his speech impediment usually goes away when he's reading something hard with his nuts getting flicked on the line because we've never had a full nuts flick yet. But I'm hoping that since this one's so easy that there's just something about it that he stumbles on that's super simple. Yeah, maybe it's the curse of writing. I saw that.

Well, it looks pretty clear to me. I'm not going to let him off with that. This looks like perfect American print. So let's do it, shall we? Reading what Chef Elise Lane made for us tonight. Put your hands together for Josh Martin. Oh, my God. Very easy.

Read it. Vladimir poutine, oven-roasted potato wedges with steak and mushroom gravy, garlic herb cheese curds, 100% vegan poutine with oven roasted potato wedges, mushroom basil gravy with tofu and... What'd you mess up on? And nutritional yeast. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Josh Martin took it. He ran out of breath after tofu. That was awesome. I accidentally hit him a little too hard, I think. He went for a jog after that. He's getting us all set up. Because at this point, we bring out our head of security. Every week, we have a brand new head of security

always to keep us safe. It used to be a man named the Iron Patriot, everybody, but around episode 30-something he went a little goofy on us and said that he got bigger than the show itself and that once it gets picked up by Comedy Central he'd be willing to negotiate having his position back. To show him

exactly how replaceable he is, we've replaced him every single week since then with a different human being. However, when somebody's good at it, we make them come back. This is this guy's, I believe, third time being the Patriot. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Scott Kidd, everybody.

The Nerd Patriot. A very nerdy Patriot. Welcome, Scott Kidd Hey everybody, there's Chef Elise Lane Look who just got back from having a quickie with the door guy I told everybody since you weren't here I told them she's dating a door guy now And this is why she's missing her spot Where were you? Tell the truth

She was watching him do his fucking set. So that's not Alfredo. No. Oh, shit. Scott Kidd, welcome back. How you doing? I'm good. How y'all doing? What are you, a little country patriot tonight? A little bit.

Giddy up. How are y'all? Where are you from, Scott Kidd? I'm from Louisiana. Oh, that makes sense. I can sort of hear that twang. Who dat? All right. I can sort of hear that twang. Who dat? All right. How about don't do that? Okay. Scott, you look fantastic.

Converse All-Stars. You're holding the speaker box. Did the thing break? We're trying to make sure it doesn't. There you go. We have a broken speaker box. So at any point, the speaker box that is attached to his crotch... Might just break. probably just broke.

Awesome. Well, Scott, it's good to have you. Any words of wisdom? Are you excited about tonight's episode? I'm really excited, guys. Come on. How can I not be excited? Who wouldn't be excited? Jesus Christ, I'm excited. All right. Fitting with the tradition of all of our other patriots, he's a little bit crazy. I mean, you have to understand, it's not that easy to get a guy to dress up like that for an hour and a half. It's true. So put your hands together for Scott Kidd, everybody.

So let's get into it, shall we? Tonight's guest, fucking awesome. It's one guy's third time and the other guy's first. I'm so happy to have them because they're two of the funniest people I know. Put your hands together for Jimmy Schubert and Dave Attell, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, guys. Hello.

Hello. Full house in here. The Kill Pony Podcast. Nice. Hello. Hi, guys. How are you? Full house in here at the Kill Tony podcast. Nice. Thanks for having us. Dave, welcome to Kill Tony. I've always wanted to get you on the show. Jimmy, this is your third time.

How are you guys feeling? Good, man. Good. Awesome. Well, I understand that this is not just about me, an old timer, but there's new talent to be had, and I'm always for that. I love that. Thank you.

One of them is Scott Kidd. Do you ever perform on a stage with anything like that next to you? This guy? Yeah, I went to Hebrew school with him. Sorry, I'm just warming up. Jimmy, what do you got? I got nothing. He's Iron Man.

He's... I like how both of your ears are locked and loaded, Dave. You have a cigarette between... Oh, do I really? Oh, shit. I thought this was a prison show. All right. No, I'm glad to be here, man.

This is cool because, Tony, I told you this before, and, of course, Brian, that you guys are like... I see you guys as like the new wave. You're young, and you guys write a lot of jokes, Brian, that you guys are like, I see you guys as like the new wave. You're young, and you guys write a lot of jokes, and I like that. Thank you, Dave. It's not just about cutting up there and storytelling and whatnot, and you guys land some punchlines. Thank you. But you kind of lose it in charisma.

It's true. I've been to house-flipping auctions that are more exciting than this. Well, let's pump it up, guys. These guys get the stage presence of a gay snail. Now, what's the next thing? You got nothing for the robot, but you'll fire off at me? We're supposed to make fun of the robot? I fucking love you, bro.

I got nothing for the fucking robot. Every time I come, there's a different guy in a fucking robot outfit. I don't want to fucking hurt his feelings. He probably bruised like a grape that he's going to be in a fucking costume for the whole show like that. I don't know the format. So what is his job? Is he supposed to bring a certain IT? He's supposed to keep us safe just in case anything crazy happens, which has never happened before in 70-some episodes of doing this.

70-some episodes. Give it up, guys. How about a hand for free downloads? Yeah. How about a hand for free downloads? Yeah. And the other part of it is, and that's what we'll do right now, is he always asks our guests a question so that I don't have to.

In like zeros and ones robot talk or in regular people talk? There he goes. Oh, there he goes. Fired off. What do you got for us tonight, Scott? Well, Jimmy, nice to meet you, by the way. Nice to meet you. Been doing a little bit of research on you, of course. I noticed that you're a middle child of six brothers. Is that right?

Yeah. Also, your dad was a detective? Yeah. So you read my bio. Fantastic. Well, I kind of had a shady past, you know, growing up as a kid. I was wondering, what was the worst situation that your dad ever got you out of? Anytime he had to get me out of fucking jail, I was getting ass-beaten all the way to fuck home. And he had this forearm punch that he used to do. He'd have his hand in his pocket.

He'd bring that elbow up and just knock you out. Is that like a European uppercut? No, it's a fucking elbow punch. This isn't your only credit, is it? You also played the gimp in that Quentin Tarantino movie, right? That's right. And nobody knew what you looked like there either, correct? All right, thanks for sharing.

That's how he got the role. Scott, what's your question for Dave? Well, Dave, I know you wrote for SNL. I know you were on Dr. Katz. You had your own show, Insomniac, which was fucking beautiful. I was just wondering, what's your favorite kind of beer? My favorite kind of beer? Oh, that's an interesting question coming from a robot.

To be honest, Scott, beer I always thought was like just the shoehorn that would get the whiskey down. Yeah. So it was always like, you know, whatever was the cheapest beer was the best beer. But I know now we live, you guys, the millennials here with your designer beers, they all have a flavor. They're supposed to taste like a father who listened. I understand.

Excellent question, Scott. Thank you. My mother cared. My mother cared about me more than law school. I get it. Fucking brilliant. Fucking awesome. my mother cared about me more than law school I got it fucking brilliant fucking awesome well you guys know how the show works 36 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do one minute on this stage

we're not going to get through all of them but some people are going to be lucky enough to have that minute and chat with us afterwards and be on a cool podcast so you guys comedians I think you know how it works. You know that your minute is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You can barely hear that little baby kitty.

You hear that? Listen to that. There it is. Now you want to wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Sounds furious tonight. There's a little bird at the end. Wow. Just for timing, or lack thereof.

Is this a show designed for people on Molly? Is that what it is? Sounds? It works. A lot of our listeners say it goes great with Molly. All right. Just checking. So let's get this thing started

You guys ready? We're going to the bucket Is that a picture of you in your wallet? You carry pictures of yourself? It's fucking business cards asshole It is business cards Alright guys your first comedian tonight Doing a minute goes by the name of Chris Hopkins

Yeah Do it of Chris Hopkins. Yeah. Do it, Chris. Chris Hopkins. Chris Hopkins. You know what that means. If you don't show up and you miss your spot, that means you get permanently blacklisted. Wow. Go, go, go, go.

There you go. That's what happens. Alright. That is the noise that happens if somebody misses their spot. Rarely ever happens at the threat of being blacklisted. That's the penalty for not being blacklisted. You already didn't show up.

That's like saying if you don't show up for jury duty, we'll give you a ride further away from jury duty. So true. Alright. Put your hands together for Jeremy Paul. Jeremy Paul. All right. Here he comes.

He's in the house. Hey. I'm a nice dude. I have a lot of friends that post on Facebook. And recently, a friend of mine has been posting pictures of herself in Aruba, which is nice. But the problem is, she owes me $700. You don't get to go on vacation when you owe me $700. Where's my fucking money?

So here's what's going to happen. Who here has a car? I will pay y'all $100 to take me down to her place in Lake Elsinore so I can rob it. Seriously. I got $100. Who want to give me a ride? I got to work tomorrow. I got to be up at 4 in the morning to see fucking Aruba.

That's some bullshit my fucking money can I get a ride Dave please 100 bucks I'm in let's go Lake Elsinore there it is

the sound of a kitty I think he's I don't know if he really wrote that. I think he's just genuinely asking for a ride. I like that. I have a question. How long have you been doing comedy? Since 03.

Okay. Well, hey, you know what? I think it's awesome, but I'm going to tell you something that I recently learned. Coming on stage with a weird bag takes everybody out of the fucking zone. Everybody's like, what has he got in that bag?

Is he going to pull out a puppet? What is he going to do? So I learned that myself, dude. Don't come up with a weird... I would have left the bag, but Boom Sockalock was walking around. I understand. I understand. There you go. What is in the bag?

My notebook and my laptop. No way, really? Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Okay. Does that chick really owe you $700? Yeah.

And she's in Aruba? Yep. Okay, good. Wow. Nice. What did you lend her the money for? For her rent. She's a family friend, so.

Yeah. Somebody take her to Aruba, or did she pay for it? Somebody took her to Aruba, so they can afford to give me back my fucking money. You know what I'm saying? Aruba is not the funniest of the islands. All right? I would go. I'm an old hack.

Jimmy, back me up on this old school. Aruba, not a funny island. I would go with Haiti. Would you do Haiti or no? Haiti would work if she wasn't in Aruba. All right. Well, how do you get to Haiti? You just go to Aruba, hang a right, don't stop until you hear screams.

Come on, at least buddy up here, for God's sake. This guy's a lone wolf. What do you think, Jimmy? I hope you get your $700 back. I'll be waiting for her when she gets back from her trip. Yeah, she has a nice 52-inch screen that I'm going to steal if somebody gives me a ride. All right. Well, you just said that on a fucking podcast.

It's like robbing her and then posting pictures on Facebook. You're getting visited by the police. What's wrong? Nobody knows how to commit fucking crimes anymore. I do. You don't fucking tell everybody you're going to do it. You just fucking do it. No.

Here's what you do. You tell people you're going to do it on a podcast so that when the cops come, like, no, it was artistic expression. Wow. It wasn't me. Yeah, except for the fucking artistic expression

of the fucking 58-inch TV in your fucking living room that matches her serial number and then your fucking baseball hat and your asshole wanting to become the same size

because you're in fucking Seablock getting gutted by some fucking guy named fucking Tom. I didn't know that this was, I thought this was a comedy show, not find America's next master criminal. Who's the next guy? The penguin?

Is he coming up here? Is Doc Ock waiting in the background? Tony, what kind of show is that? I thought it was a wholesome show of dick jokes and whatnot. Jeremy, now the bag you said because there's people around and you don't want to steal it. Now, do you normally wear your keys around your neck on a necklace like that? Latchkey kid, right?

You have all your keys on that thing. And also a set of nail clippers. And not even the small nail clippers. Those are actually toenail clippers. So now that we've figured out... You can cut that fucking toenail right down to the quick with those fucking things.

Look at that. He trims his hedges with those things. He doubles a hedge trimmer. Is this something urban? Should we not go there yet? Will white kids be doing this in a year? What is this? It's a way to carry a weapon without carrying a weapon.

I like your style. Right. So somebody tries to jump you, you give them a fucking mani-pedi and something. That's a closer. I like it. Move it along. That's a closer. Jeremy Paul, everybody.

There he goes. Good kid. He's on Twitter at Jeremy Paul Says. So for those of you out there, for you police officers who are looking for the guy that stole that stuff, he's on Twitter at Jeremy Paul Says. Let me ask you something that I always ask guests that are on for the first time, and I think I've already asked you this,

but maybe tell a different story when it comes to you, Jimmy. But I always ask everybody, Dave, is there something you did on stage when you first started out doing comedy that you can't believe you did, that you totally regret, like something stupid or silly? Can I tell you what I really regret the most? Anytime I ever wore a suit on stage,

because I'm like ugly to begin with, but like suiting it up, it like put like just a tinge of like special needs on it. Like, oh, look at this guy thinking he's a normal. Look at this fucking freak. I wish I had the balls to walk up here with a toenail clipper and several keys to cars he doesn't have. Oh, God. So true.

I wonder what he wears for Halloween if he's dressed like that now. I don't know. Halloween ideas. What do you think, Scott? Vampire? Pirate? Come on, dude. Really?

Already? That's it? I mean, two-ply mummy? Alright. I go with the Kmart costumes. How about you guys? I was going to go with Dracula Untold, but I'm going, look, what's Untold? I've seen the fucking 37 versions of that same fucking story.

Did he have braces when he was little? What are you fucking leaving out? What am I missing? What's fucking Untold about the fucking Dracula story? I've seen it 99 fucking times. Yeah. But I think he was little. What are you fucking leaving out? What am I missing? What's fucking untold about the fucking Dracula story? I've seen it 99 fucking times. But I make it what is Dracula. Untold. I usually go with something annoying but not threatening like the UN.

Jimmy, what's your answer for can't believe you did it when you were starting out? Believe it or not, this is a fucking true story. I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing and I went up on stage and did this character called the Humorator, a comic for the 27th century where I came out with these fucking stupid glasses and I had these

fucking things on my eyelids and it was just a fucking ridiculous idea and I'm sorry I ever did it. It was like fucking, it was like watching yourself in a gay porn when I think back and I see that fucking tape. It's like, ah, what was I thinking? Ooh, it's on tape?

No, I don't know. It fucking destroyed it. Brian, what are you going to go as for Halloween? Dean Del Rey. Oh, me. Oh. Not bad.

Not bad. Comedian. And Tony, what are you going to go as? I'm going to be in New York City for Halloween, so I'm not sure. I'm going to have to improvise the day of. Why don't to go as? I'm going to be in New York City for Halloween, so I'm not sure.

I'm going to have to improvise the day of. Why don't you go as a speed bump? I'm joking, people. It's a fucking comedy podcast. Shut the fuck up. We're fucking joking. Come on. I love fucking Tony.

I'm teasing him. No, it's okay. I actually might end up going as a speed bump. Guys, your next comedian, everybody, goes by the name of Fang Chao. Love it. There he is. How are you guys doing? How are you?

Great. I'm really excited. It's my first time on this stage. You guys don't know me, and I don't know you guys. If you don't, very Chinese. Now when you see a Chinese guy on stage with a microphone, jokes are on the way, guys. It's about to pay off. I am very Chinese, but I don't like the Chinese girls here is why because they are bitchy and stuck up all day every day no problem for no reason because they think they have the smallest pussy in the game so they went smallest pussy

in the game but they don't have titties in the ass. Fish has a smaller vagina. You don't see me go fuck a fish, right? Thank you. That's my time. Thank you. Fuck yeah. 59 seconds.

Are you from China? Yeah. What province? Beijing. Beijing. Beijing. Yeah. What province? Beijing. Beijing? Yeah. Are you hungry?

I haven't eaten yet. I'm a little hungry. Ah. Who are you? What are you? Get the fuck out of here. No, I fucking... Did you guys... Did you guys order without me?

No, we... Yeah, yeah. He orders. I'm ordering to catch. I just asked him if he'd eat. Yeah, that's all. Wow. I was over...

I was fucking... Who isn't wet with that half-ass stripper Chinese being thrown around? I know enough Chinese to get around the fucking sauna over there. You know what I'm saying? Can I ask you a question? Yeah, right. Yeah. Wang Chung.

What is your name again? Chung Fow. Chung Fow, right? Yeah. That's my slave name. No, what is your name? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Phuong. Let me ask you something. Phuong Chow. Phuong Chow is my name. How do you do comedy and also have the time to build Scott? My cousin did it. My cousin did it. And I'm just here to do comedy.

How long you been here? In L.A.? Yeah. Five months. Five months. And you're from China? Yes. That's excellent, dude. That's excellent English. How long you been here? Yeah, yeah You're from China. Yes Came to LA to get rid of the fucking air pollution over there. It's fucking amazing isn't over there Yeah, I'm because I was thinking saying how long have you been doing stand-up? A little bit more than a year. That's excellent.

Wow. A little bit more than a year. That's fun. I learned English first. Yeah. Now, what I like the most is that you took on your own kind. You have a problem with Asian women. Yes, sir.

Is that just a joke? Is that a joke? No, he's right. Asian women, they dress sexy, they look nice, but they don't know how to be sexy. It's like fucking a starfish. There's a lot of hate going on here. No, it's not. I'm just being serious.

I think we need an Asian woman to retort this. I'm sure an Asian woman in the crowd. Well, they've got to earn the mic time, right? Wow. Somebody run outside and see what year it is. Do you get up a lot? At the comedy store? Or comedy shows?

No, no, not a lot of shows. Your stage presence is amazing for doing comedy such a little time. What's your full-time job? I do some translation. Oh, you're a hacker. Between Chinese and half there. They have half there. You translate English to Chinese and back?

Yeah, Mandarin. Not bad. It fucking sucks, but, you know. No, I'm telling you, for a guy who's been doing it about a year, it's cool. You know, comedy in a minute is difficult. Right. And, you know, to be able to get out like two or three you know hard one-liners that's great so yeah because it's i come here um i start

coming here i think it's a cool uh show and uh like it's only one minute i can't just like oh let me tell you guys about china guys yeah forever no he's right There's a lot of fucking Chinese people 1.7 billion 1.7 Is more than we have in our entire country For every fucking Chinese guy There's like 9 Chinese guys That's a lot of fucking Chinese people

Now that you're in America What kind of girls do you find yourself The most attracted to Now that you're getting a taste of everything? I think just girls in general. White girls, let's do that. You like a white. Now I'm a fucking racist.

No, you're not. No, no, no, I'm just being honest. You're fine. I think a lot of people are more attracted to one race or type. Everybody has a different style. So you're saying like white girls, like white, blonde? No, fuck the blondes. Wow.

Look at that. This guy's crazy. I went to college to be smart. Oh, shit. Look at the blondes. What college did you go to? In China, in Beijing. It's the Beijing first language, foreign language study. I went to college in China, in Beijing. It's the Beijing First Language, Foreign Language Study.

I went to college in China, too. DeVly University. Good for you. I just had to funny it out. You turned out good. That's called a winner, all right? Let me win one, okay? There you go.

This isn't 53. There's no more talk. That's fucking DeVly University. I wish there was an exchange, like an Asian exchange rate that we can give you like two white women for two Asian women or something like that.

Oh, this is just out of control. Trading women. No, we're smugging people. Scott, call the cops on your dick. We'll talk after the show. All right.

Well, Fang, I hope that you come back really soon. Yeah, I will. Really, really funny. Keep it going for him. Take it easy, man. Nice. He's on Twitter at

FangChao8080. That's his Twitter handle? Yeah. Oh, that's neat. F-E-N-G-C-H-A-O 8080. Nice. That rings right off the tongue.

Beautiful tweet. Okay, let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian is Daniel White. All right. Call me a white. Is that every... Hi, Daniel. Hey, buddy.

Howdy. Howdy. Yeah, give it up. All right, any of you heard of Moses before? Yeah. Yeah, give it up. Alright, any of you heard of Moses before? Yeah. Man, that guy did some cool shit, didn't he? Or if you're Egyptian, some fucking terrifying shit. You know what I mean?

And they did some all-around lame shit. He led an entire race of people around a desert for 40 fucking years in circles. And I looked it up the other day and like walking from cairo to jerusalem supposed to take like a week so fucking moses pretty much pulled a gill again you know what i mean that shit's fucking ssnow, three-hour tour. And so fucking what's more fucked up is that God told Moses that he'd never enter the Promised Land,

and Moses was just like, they don't know that? You know what I mean? And then fucking he came down from Mount Sinai a second fucking time, and somebody goes, what you got there? Oh, these are some new commandments, you know? And you go, well, what? Did God say anything to you about the fucking first set you know you broke

no there you go finish it finish it son finish it he said yeah no he said the promised land he said the promised land is really far away and everything we see is going to look really fucking familiar.

All right. No, you brought out the horse. First time. Oh, first time. This is the first time ever on stage? First time ever on stage? First time on stage as a comedian. Oh, good for you.

Wow, period. Together for Daniel White. Daniel, that's awesome. First time ever on stage? First time on stage as a comedian. Wow, beer together for Daniel White. Daniel, that's awesome. First time ever on stage. Breaking his cherry on the Kill Tony podcast. In front of David Peltz. That's gotta be crazy. In front of these guys. Yeah. For the first time, what did

you do? You said you were on stage before, so what else did you do? A musician. Oh, okay. There you go. What was your instrument? Bass. Guitar was your instrument? Bass. Guitar. Christian band? No, thank you. So you decided to go with the ever-topical Moses and Ten Commandments. I thought about that.

I thought I'd go... Fresh off the presses. I'd go topical. I'd go religious. Yeah. I wouldn't ask people if they know who Moses is. Most people know who the fuck he is. So you could say yourself a step there and just assume people know him.

It's like you're asking permission to tell the joke. Just fucking go into it and assume everybody knows who fucking Moses is. Tough love. What about the Gilligan's Island reference? It sounded like you said... It sounded like you said... Were you raised by grandparents that you know Gilligan's Island? Yes.

As a matter of fact. You really were? Gilligan's Island, Munsters, and I Dream of Jeannie. How old are you that you know this stuff? 27. A lot of Nick at night for you. Yeah, really. Too much.

Where are you from? I told you LA earlier. That was a fucking lie because I don't like to tell people I'm from... Well, I got a room in Bakersfield, California. Fuck yeah, dude. Nice. You see how hard it is to come out of the Bakersfield closet? Imagine being from a place where you're that ashamed. I get I'm sorry when I tell people that in Washington, D.C.

Somehow I get I'm sorry. Bakers people that in Washington, D.C. Somehow I get, I'm sorry. Bakersfield is a tough ride. Well, you seem very well spoken for being from Bakersfield. So I'm guessing you're like the Walter White son. Whoever's running that entire operation, the smartest guy. I got the fuck out of there as soon as I could. 27? Well, no, I'm out of there.

I've been out of there. I've been down here now for a few years. UCLA. I love it. Nice. The fact that the first time you're ever doing comedy

in front of a robot and a podcast, that's fucking balls, dude. Yeah. That was the easier part. No offense. That was the easier thing.

You've done that before, performed with robots. What kind of music did you play? Oh, I play jazz and blues. Oh, that's cool. You must have made

hundreds of dollars a year playing jazz. Why would you give that up? I play jazz and blues. Oh, that's cool. You must have made hundreds of dollars a year playing jazz. Why would you give that up? I'm going to give up my jazz. What instrument did you play? I played bass guitar. There's nothing better than a white guy who loves jazz. I love that. And bass guitar.

And bass guitar. Well, there you go. You've got to double up on not getting booked. Anyway. He's going to get coming up next week. He's doing Lil Lenny Horowitz's Bar Mitzvah, right? Do you always have the face like you lost your puppy? You have a good looking job. I could see him playing

a Superman down the road. You know, like a Smallville type. You know, like a friend or something like that. Too Smallville? Like one of those, you know, like a Smallville type, you know, like a friend or something like that? Too Smallville? Like one of those, you know, like a young teen, like a werewolf or something or something like that? Are you an actor also? Oh, no. Not at all? Alright.

I think I could be an actor. Daniel, I'm going to ask you a question I call the Ron Funches question that I haven't asked in quite a while. He was great at this and I fell in love with this question. What scares you? Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit.

That first thing that just popped in your head that you don't want to say, just like Bakersfield. Oh, it's having to go back to Bakersfield. Yes. It's the poison. No, it is. It's my motivation for this.

That's all my motivation. Don't go back to Bakersfield. That's it. How about Modesto? Oh, my God. It's my motivation for this. That's all my motivation. Don't go back to Bakersfield. That's it. How about Modesto? Oh, my God. Who cares? I'm up here. All right.

What is... Wait your turn. Do you have more material? Like, is all your material religious-based, or do you have any... Oh, well... Were you planning on coming here for your first time, or did you sign up... I had a whole three minutes. I got to break it down to one.

There you go. Yeah, it's kind of religious. St. George. Fuck. What? You grew up really, really religious, right? Oh, I grew up in a... Raised by old people.

Fucking Bible Belt transplants. Will you run for president? I will never run for president. All right. I would not want to subject the country. Well, if you could get people back into jazz, that would be great. The people that raised you,

how'd they end up in Bakersfield? Oh, that's very fucking boring, Tony. That's construction. Building churches? Oh, building everything. Building most of the town. They lost a bet. Tell them the truth. I'm just going to say what the crowd's thinking. The white is getting more time than the brown and the yellow.

It's because he's actually Scott Kidd's twin brother. Underneath that mask. No way. Take it off. Show everybody. Wow. He's not wearing his glasses. No, I am.

They're just stuck to the mask. Daniel, it says here that you're not on Twitter. Is that right? I'm following in the steps of Jason Manzoukas. Nobody knows who that is either. I'm with you on that. Who's Jason Manzoukas? Exactly. He's Jason Manzoukas? Exactly.

He's a hairy brown dude. He's hairy. Got a big old beard. I'm sorry for smoking, guys. This young boy is wearing me out. Daniel, we're going to rock on. Thank you so much. Daniel, first time on stage.

That is balls. First time ever on stage, guys. Good job. You'll be seeing him again outside in the parking lot for about four years. Fuck yeah. That's an interesting one. This is excellent. Fun times.

This is exciting. This guy worked the door here for a couple years, and he just recently got fired from his job here. Wow. The free agent, everybody. Put your hands together for Carlos De Jesus. Carlos De Jesus. What's up, buddy? Yeah, that happened.

Oh, boy. So, all right. I had a thought the other day. Let's say aliens came down tomorrow, and they made contact with us. But instead of their first words being, we come in peace or take me to your leader or nanu nanu, whatever the hell they say. Their first words to us are, what's up, my niggas? Like, how would you react?

I'd be like, holy shit, these aliens are cool as fuck, man. They it you know they'd probably be bumping biggie too that'd be amazing that's how i feel at least all right that's how i feel okay so here's a joke then all right so a chicken crosses the road and walks into a bar and the the bartender says, hey, you're not a Jew. Alright, I'm done. There you go. I think it's great. Most people don't go with the oh, here's a joke approach at 40 seconds, but you pulled

the trigger on that one. That's a ballsy move. I think it takes ultimate confidence to go, here's a joke and then to deliver a great white power message at the end of that. I would say in the beginning it was a little rough, you dropping the N-bomb and all. But let's face it, you earned it working here, so you know what it's like to be a slave. Anyway. Jimmy, any thoughts? How long have you been working before they fired you?

Three years You're on the bigger, better things now I started working at Door Air At least you didn't have to do what I had to do Drop a little nut butter and Never mind Well Anyway, well Alright

Carlos How long has it been since you've been fired? Well, well. Anyway, well, you know what I'm saying. All right. Carlos, how's life been going? How long has it been since you've been fired? About two weeks now. Maybe two and a half weeks. I was banned for a week. Interesting. Yeah.

I was banned for a week, so I got fired on my day off. Nice. What's changed? How do you feel? I mean, it feels a little more free. Like, I can actually do comedy now, so that's a good thing. Right. You've never been on this show before, and we've been doing it for... Well, I've been on it once, I believe.

Right. Maybe twice. It's very memorable, yeah. Exactly. Well, that's great that you're getting to go up, and I'm sure you learned a little bit of chops working here, getting all those spots all those years. I think that's about a good enough amount of time.

How long did you work here for, Jimmy? Probably about three or four years. Yeah. Did you ever work at a – What's that? I graduated from doorman to runner. Do they still have that here? No.

It was a – you used to have to run – take stuff back to law firms. But it was a great job because you had like a petty cash. You had a Bieber. You had the Jeep, the Comedy Store Jeep. You used to drive around. Wow. Back when it was fun to have a Bieber. Back when I was fucking his age and, you know, I was sleeping on couches and doing my thing.

And I had the fucking job. So it was nice. That's great. Dave, you ever work at a comedy club? Yeah, I did. I worked at the original improv in New York City. Wow. Yeah.

How long did you work there? What was that like? About a year or so. And it was awesome. No, it sucked. It sucks when you work at a comedy club because, you know, it's good in a way because I suck so badly. So I got to see a lot of comedy, good and bad. And then at the end of the night, they throw us on, you know, like for the bar rag, for the scraps.

But, you know, all I'm going to say is that I was banned from a comedy club, too, for a year. And I came back harder than ever. They banned me, but they kept my puppet. And I thought that was really... We split. You know what I'm saying? I think they should rename the podcast Jokes and Awkward. It's a little awkward here.

That is what it is. And I love those moments. You worked here for years, right? Yeah. You don't work here now, though, right? No. You got fired too, right? Yep.

I got fired and they banned me. A performance ban for a week. But I went down to the La Jolla Comedy Store and performed there for that entire week and took a vacation. Stayed at the condo that's right by the ocean. I took full advantage. Oh, yeah.

That's nice. It was really interesting. The whole time feeling like I was getting away with murder. But I deserved it. I worked my ass off for years. Right. But I'm going to say you definitely look like you definitely are cool with being on stage. And that took me like seven years.

So, you know, good for you. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. That's awesome. Carlos, how do you feel? I feel good good i just hope nobody comes and fights me afterwards for that first bit that i did well no i mean it was a soft day but i i just i just think there's so many i just think there's so many funnier things that the alien could say right that aren't that i mean if you really feel like that's the direction you want to take it, then yeah, take me to your leader.

Yeah, but that had a lot more to do with the times we live in and Ferguson and other things. Did you really listen to the joke? No. I was trying to alt my way. He was talking about the global warming and whatever, vaccinations and shit.

There's a lot in that joke that you didn't hear. No, there's not. I'm trying to build you up, dude. I'm sorry. I recently listened to some of my old material, and when Obama was running to be president, I had a soft A joke that I use, and I fucking hate listening to myself even say it now. I don't know, man. I think if the joke was really, really worth it, I would even go

there, but most of the time you find it's not even worth it. Like you said, you think you're hoping somebody doesn't beat you up after that. You shouldn't think that. I don't think anybody actually will. Even if you said, what up, fool? You're still taking an urban approach and it's

funnier because you're not going to make everybody uncomfortable. I would change it to they go, hey, can I get a ride to Aruba? Sorry. Sorry, guys. Easy, nail clipper. Put the nail clipper away. That's a full-blown toenail clipper. That thing is huge.

You can't even take that on an airplane. And he wears it around its neck. Guys, that's Carlos De Jesus, everybody. He's on Twitter. It's zombie underscore sharks. Zombie underscore sharks. Find Carlos De Jesus on Twitter. You know, I hate to say it.

Tony, is it always a sausage fest like that? How about the ladies? Are there any ladies coming up? There's a lot of ladies that sign up, and there's two regulars that go on at the end that are both ladies. But maybe we'll get lucky here. Oh, this is a guy that sort of looks like a lady.

Another employee here, currently still working here. Put your hands together for Jared Levin. It's Jungle Book. Dude, I didn't think I was going to get off. I don't know, man. This is one of the few places they'll actually hire me. Like, I try to be a forklift driver

and they fired me the first day. I ran over with a box with a guy sleeping in it. Like, how am I supposed to know people sleep in boxes? I'm like, what do you want me to do? Speak tongues and revive it? That joke's funny in tongues. That's a long setup. Did I do that in a minute? 37 seconds, bro.

Keep it going. My brain is like, dude, I don't even know the time, man. People always ask me for drugs all the time. I don't know why. Still have five seconds. Act out. Describe what you're doing. Buttoning your shirt.

Pulling up his pants. Wedgie. There you go. There you go. Brought out a chicken. there you go there you go brought out a chicken there you go I mean we're just really no more format

for that I guess Jared what the fuck just happened interesting your first words were I wasn't expecting to get up

and it really showed the whole minute after that. Yeah, I know. You were really like a one-man improv group. I liked it. I do suggestions. You're either the best comic we've seen so far or every guy I've ever met in Costa Rica.

Either way, you've got a nervous energy. So you ran over a guy in a box. Is that real? Did you actually hit him? energy. So, you ran over a guy in a box. Is that real? Did you actually hit him? I got fired as a forklift driver. You did? Yeah. On the first day. When you're a forklift driver, you usually use forklifts to pick up boxes, so it's kind of impossible for you to

kind of run over a box. I ran over a box. Now, I know from you hanging out here a lot, and I've seen a lot of you over the past, what, couple years you've been here? Yeah, a couple years. Okay. And I know you're a pretty big pot smoker. So my question is,

is when you got fired the first day driving this forklift, did you get high beforehand? No, I was just being me. Oh, okay. Well, then I understand why you smoke pot all the time. I get it. I mean, if you're going to run people over and get fired, might as well be a... Does pot calm you down? Honestly,

it just does the same thing, except I get hungry. Well, you have... You have pot abs. I like that, when you're showing everybody that... It is such a shame the podcast listeners can't hear that smile

that's on your face awkwardly after everything you say. Is that a smile or is that your normal face? It's weird. It's a combination. I enjoy being on stage, but I just smile a lot.

You have a great look, dude. Have you ever been in any kind of like one of these like a role-playing kind of things, like a cosplay kind of thing? Were you ever a Power Ranger or anything like that? I always wanted to be a Power Ranger. I could totally see you doing something like that. Has the Lifetime Network asked you to play Richard Ramirez

in a Night Stalker fucking series? I knew he was going to call me up. You have a great look, dude. I'm getting ready. You have that... Was that an earthquake or am I just really high like four in the morning in front of your house kind of look? I meant trailer.

All right, either way. Dude, you still work here now? Yeah. Miracle. Now you really thought that a minute was up at about you know when i told you i think you said i think i said 37 seconds you had waited about five seconds before then so about 32 seconds you thought that you had done a minute yeah so when you do other spots is

that a thing where like you have no idea what time you're doing? Well, usually if I... The longer time I have, the more I draw out my bits. Yeah. So, like, especially, like, I'll do something completely out there, and then I'll just be me, and then I'll stare at the audience. So you'll bounce that microphone, stand off your stomach another seven fucking times

before... Pretty much. I love that. That was my favorite part. That makes sense. I can see that. It's hard to do physical humor, you know? It really is.

It's, like, hard to, like, make that, like, your own, you know? Because everybody has their thing, you know? And, like, you don't use any props or anything? No. Just the microphone stand? Just the microphone stand. Not bad. I like that.

I was on Edibles when I came up with it. Oh, that's all right. Yeah, it shows. I represent, you know? When you did it, I... You represent what? You said, I represent, you know? When you did it, I... You represent what? You said, I represent after you used it. The Disney Corporation for Jungle Book.

That's right. You have a great look. What is your ethnicity, if I may ask? My dad's Jewish, my mom's Filipino. Oh, you're Puerto Rican. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, son.

I'm sorry. These are East Coast cack jokes. I know a lot of you guys. Even though, let's face it, it was touch and go up there. Look at the faces out there. There's a lot of people who wish they were you right now. That's true. When you jumped on the ground, the reaction I got was I was scared for a second.

I was like, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is he doing? He's hurting himself. Did you hurt yourself? The mic stand was really coming off your heart. He didn't hurt himself. He's high. He doesn't know what happened.

Is that a bit that you do regularly? Yeah, I did it downstairs. So you already did that bit tonight? Yeah. Did it work down there? Oh, yeah. Really? It crushes.

Wow. It crushes, huh? Well, I don't start out that strong. Usually I start off softer. Yeah. But with a minute, I'm just like, oh, God. Okay. All right.

Interesting. So jump straight to laying down on the ground so that nobody beyond the front row can see you. Yeah. And then lifting that up and slamming. I get it, though. He's scaring the fuck out of those people that can see you. Yeah. I think he did scare a few of the people up front.

That's what it was a little bit. Well, his name's Jared, too those people that can see. Yeah, I think he did scare a few of the people up front. That's what it was, a little bit. Well, his name's Jared, too, so that's why. Oh, I thought he was coming out. Reverse crowd work. Yeah. It's good to know your audience, but don't know their fucking names. All right, Jared, well, did you have fun tonight?

Oh, yeah. Cool, man. What are you going to do now? What's the rest of a normal Monday night look like for a guy like you, who looks like he just does lines of coke off of the back of skateboards? Well, I'm going to go to the girl I'm seeing's house. She's going to make me soup. Make you soup?

Wow. That was the dumbest look on a face I've ever seen after you said that. That thing you do, like you exhale out of your nose and you just like it's like very Asian girl. The smile like, oh so, you know. Oh man, Scott likes those.

There you go. Still bombing. Jared Levin, everybody. Oh, Jesus. There he goes. Jared Levin, everybody. He's on Twitter at Jared Levin Lost. That's all Jesus. There he goes. Jared Levin, everybody. He's on Twitter at JaredLevinLost. That's all one Twitter handle. For those of you that like using 140 characters on the handle. What's the name of this podcast again? The Dream Crasher or the Reverse Disney World?

Is that what this place is? Hey, Fung Chow had a blast up here. That was fucking epic. Yeah, I feel like seeing him again, actually. I had a blast up here. That was fucking epic. Yeah, I feel like seeing him again, actually. I like Feng Chao, that cave kid who was up here, the cave boy. And whatchamacallit, the glasses white kid who looks like he died in every World War II movie. That kid. So far.

Feng Chao was great. He speaks better English than Josh Martin, and Josh Martin was born in America. Wow. Guys, your next comedian, funny guy who's been on the show before, put your hands together for Ian Ellis. Another dude.

Ian Ellis. Coming up. From Chicago, where I spent all this weekend. It's Ian Ellis, everybody. Put your hands together. There he is. Welcome aboard, Ian. Yeah, man.

I don't have any nail clippers. I lost them in the divorce. Speaking of cunts, so I was pussy-fucking my girlfriend, and the condom broke And I didn't stop fucking her Because it felt really good Like it's weird

My penis just really likes to feel a vagina It's weird, does that happen to you guys? So after I came in her pussy I made her get the morning after pill But I didn't have her get it the morning after. I had her get it the moment after. I was like, baby, you gots to go. She's like, can I finish

picking the broken pieces of condom out of my vagina before we run to Walgreens, fucking Romeo? And I was like, no, bitch. And then, like, the lady at Walgreens was like, do you have any questions about the morning after pill and she's like what are the side effects I don't know anything about it you don't know anything about the morning after pill and she was like no I just started dating the guy that

lives in his parents basement my name is Ian Ellis I I love you. Good night. That's excellent. Ian, it's good to describe the story. Don't make us there. That's the thing. I felt like I was right there. I felt like I caught a load on the face somewhere in that joke. What I'm trying to say is watch out, Mark Twain. We have another great storyteller. Thank you.

You didn't fuck around, man. You came right right out i think cunt was the third word in i fucking like that i mean you know you only got a minute on it's a word economy i liked it very word efficient dropping the c word that's that's that is balls i guess yeah right three words out well you know he definitely committed to it. What I can't stand is a guy that will say cunt and then backtrack. I mean, you went cunt and kept going woman-hating all the way. You did not pussyfoot in it at all. Pardon the pun. Right. I also love pussyfucking.

I mean, that's one of my favorite terms that I don't think I've ever heard before. That's great. So, I mean, I'll give you those points for sure. That's insane. I've got to be a credible man. Really spelling it out. As opposed to throat fucking, ass fucking, pussy fucking. No, I think just by that one phrase we get your whole origin story.

You're an orphan who was raised in a junkyard somewhere outside of somewhere near Illinois behind a kid rock concert. So, we get it. How close is Cedar Wright on that? Yeah, nice. Did you really go through a divorce? Yeah, man. No, I could tell by the way you said it.

You weren't fucking around. You didn't just say it. You could tell. I lost it in a divorce. Nice. I got it. And how old are you, man? I'm 32.

Too old to be a teen shooter. Now, I'm I'm 32. Too old to be a teen shooter. I'm not Asian either. No, but you definitely have your own style, man. That's pretty awesome for a guy. How long have you been doing it? I'm coming up on like four or five years now. Sweet.

You did the majority of that in Chicago. How long have you been in L.A.? I've been here about two months. And thank you to Hotel for putting Junior Stopke out there because he's a fucking Chicago legend. I love seeing him on TV. Junior's awesome. He's great. And, you know, thank Doug Stanhope for putting Junior out there.

So, you know, there we go. Now it's a big stroke fest. Chicago's one of my favorite cities, man. I love that place. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, it's a great town. Yeah, I was just there this weekend. I can fucking eat Portillo's beef sandwiches for fucking three meals a day.

That shit's fucking like mother's milk. Everybody there is pretty thick. I really stood out there as a skinny guy. You are really too skinny for that town. And everybody else was thick, and the marathon in Chicago was Sunday. So by the second show, I started telling them they need more marathons in that city.

They need mandatory marathons. Chicago's got a great sense of humor. They're almost like... I have a belief that the colder it gets, the better comedy is, at least from what I've noticed from going up to Canada. Chicago definitely has that shit weather. That's why Edmonton rocks.

Yeah. I've been there. Those fucking people are animals. They like hockey fights and hard jokes. So do you work here too or you don't? No, man. They won't give me a job. All right.

Well, you know what? You got like a cool thing. You remind me, I guess, your style reminds me just a little bit of Hedberg. But that's okay, though. That's okay because you're starting out. But you definitely have your own take on stuff, and I think that's really cool. Not that I have no good advice for anybody. I mean, look at me, but you're definitely doing it, man.

So keep going. Yeah, good job, man. Really good. Fuck yeah. Ian Ellis. He's on Twitter at Chicago Open Mike. Also an awesome artist. He's made great fan art for us before.

At Chicago Open Mike. Ian Ellis. So we're going to just keep going until the crowd leaves? Yeah. What's that? Open, Mike. Ian Ellis. So we're going to just keep going until the crowd leaves? What's that? No, we're almost there. I feel sorry for the next guy. This is the check spot minute spot, right? The what?

Do you have a check spot in the minute of these poor guys' acts? No, no. It's a comedy story. They don't really have a check spot here. Isn't it funny how this is happening right now in North Korea, but for food? Anyway. All right. Who's up next?

Your next comedian. Put your hands together for Rob Banks. Rob Banks. How are we doing, guys? everybody. It's Rob Banks. How are we doing, guys? Good. How's it going? I didn't get a fantasy football this year, which is a real bummer.

So, which is really hard because when you watch football and you don't get anything out of it, then it's not really worth watching it. out of it, then it's not really worth watching it. So I decided to take Facebook and make it my fantasy football team. So I have a 500-person roster, and I have my mom starting as my quarterback every week. The way I point it out is off of likes on comments, and so my mom's really bringing in the points. of likes on comments. And so my mom's really bringing in the points.

I do let my sister go because she kept posting baby pictures and that just wasn't going. Surprisingly, I'm still friends with Ray Rice. But you gotta understand where he's coming from.

He's a black male with a Chinese name. No wonder he's angry and hitting people. All right, you went for it. Combining Facebook and fantasy football is a ballsy move. I like the idea of using Facebook as a game, maybe. I don't know if it has to be fantasy football, but just having the idea of using Facebook as a game, maybe. I don't know if it has to be fantasy football,

but just having the idea of, like, if you post a baby picture, you're out of there, or something like that. I do like where you're going at with that. Maybe think of some more ideas around that. And, like, the first 20 seconds you were explaining about the fantasy football and the football thing, and it was just kind of like,

all right, that didn't need to be there. Like, even if you wanted it to be a fantasy football Facebook thing, you could just say, I didn't get my fantasy football. It sucks. So I'm using Facebook now. You could just go right into that. I don't know. Yeah.

I liked it, though. My fantasies don't go anywhere near a football field. In my fantasy league, I had the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders against the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders this week. How does that work out? It just fucking doesn't really. I was just fucking around. That's all I had for that.

I didn't flush it out. But, yeah, I was confused a little bit up front, too, when you went into it. But, you know, I get it. It needs to be flushed out a little more with the baby pictures and stuff like that. How long have you done stand-up? Three years now. Where are you from? Ohio.

You say that like I'm supposed to know that? Well, we talked. Well, I know you guys are from Ohio, too. He's been on the show a few times. I know that I'm from Ohio, but you told me that you're from Ohio like I'm supposed to know. Where at in Ohio? Akron. Oh, nice.

The home of Goodyear tires yeah yawn sorry you know when you're talking about Ohio that like that

and you know it's like oh man wow either way the football thing did you play football in school

yeah see he's from Ohio that's true the rubber belt they call where he's from. Again, because of that Goodyear thing. Rob, how long have you been in L.A.? In November will be a year.

Uh-huh. Okay. Are you getting stage time? Are you getting stage time? Yes. Good. Then that's all you need to do. All the guys have been up here.

It looks like they're all trying to get the stage time? Are you getting stage time? Yes. Good. Then that's all you need to do. All the guys have been up here. It looks like they're all trying to get the stage time. That's like 90% of the job is getting that stage time. So you guys are all doing it. The fact that you guys are out all night doing it, that means that you're really committed, and that's cool. The fact that you had a minute to do a bit, it just shows you that there's setups, and then there's too long a setup. But what can you do in a minute? So you hit them with the bit that you wanted to do, right? Yeah, I just want to get the Ray Rice punchline out and try to build it the best I can.

So did he. But why would Ray Rice, out of everything that you set up in that joke, why would Ray Rice, other than just the fact that he's in the news, I don't understand how it applies to your mom and your sister being on Facebook. He had a fucking minute, bro. He couldn't break it all down for you. But in a minute, you could still do a joke in under a minute.

Yeah, but now these guys are picking bits instead of jokes. Yeah, by the way, that was a fucking engagement punch in the elevator. You're saying that's true love? It's a cultural thing. She still fucking married him. What he and her do in the business in her own private elevator is their fucking business.

Hey, we're not here to pick the new head of the NFL, all right? We're here to help young comics experience the... All right, man. Good job, dude. Good job. There he goes, Rob Banks. Good job, man. Good job, Scott. He's on Twitter

at ComicRobBanks. Scott, what'd you think of Rob Banks? Have you been seeing him on the scene? You're out there grinding all the time. Not so much. No. Fuck yeah. Did somebody throw a mist of Ambien in the air

In the sprinkler system or something Come on man There's no female committee This crowd is on the edge of their seats Waiting to leave I think we need to You want to pick out a female We are 8 minutes away from 2 females

No matter what happens This is very This is too Taliban-y. You have all the guys and two women at the end. It's very ISIS. I use the bucket to keep it fair.

There's a girl by the back door that I want to see up. She's just been sitting there staring. Okay, come on up. Everybody in this room is coming, right? Alright, cool. She didn't even. Okay. Come on up. Everybody in this room is a comic, right? All right, cool. Give her a shout. Whoa, she didn't even get picked.

That's awesome. What's your name? What's your name? Akilah Luko. Guys, give it up for Akilah Luko. Let us know. Tyler Perry is about to have his first child, which I am very happy about

because it'll have given more time to focus on his baby instead of writing another Madea movie. Oh. Nice. What was Madea like, 97 in the last movie?

I think Tyler Perry's next title of his movie should be Madea's Rest in Peace. I can see it on the marquee now. But I think Madea should go out

in like a shootout like Queen Latifah did and set it off. Knowing Tyler Perry, he'll probably think Madea should go out in a shootout like Queen Latifah did and set it off. Knowing Tyler Perry, he'll probably have Madea's resurrection. But I really appreciate everything he is doing for the gay, I mean the black community.

Oh dear. That's excellent. Fun. Tyler Perry stuff. I didn't even I didn't even know Queen Latifah was in a shootout in the movie

set it off but I still enjoyed it you should see it I like your earrings too man they're very cool how long have you been doing comedy a year

you're doing great yeah that's awesome those are great earrings but you'll never be in a Tyler Perry movie but you'll never be in a Tyler Perry movie

you never will be in a Tyler Perry movie now just fuck yourself I thought that you're good with that? You can go with that? I'm okay with that. Cool.

Where are you from? L.A. Oh, wow. Nice. Ouch. Nice. What did you do before doing this? What?

Am I a nice representation of L.A. girls or something? Yes, you certainly are. Thank you. Oh, hello. Wow. That's the other podcast. Shoulder action for the podcast. It's a good thing I'm wearing my sponge underpants I'll tell you that

I hate to wake up with a little potato flake Can I get that cigarette? Easy cupcake I just need to be healthy This went from podcast to the parking lot In an hour Either way I like how you came up And you hit a joke like bang

I love that I love jokes and you hit a joke like bang. I love that. I love jokes and you hit it like bang, bang. I like that. Right. What did you do before you were doing stand-up? Nursing. I do home care. Oh, nice.

Can I ask you something? How many times has a white, skinny guy like that talked to you in your life? A lot. Exactly. Something about like, you know what? Well, you know, if you want us to turn the heat back on, you're going to have to... Right?

Doesn't he look like every social service guy? Oh, I see that earring is a... I see one of your earrings is a giant key. Be careful. There's a guy with a necklace that he's adding to. And the nail clipper guy, too. Yeah, exactly. Be careful. Did you make those earrings yourself?

I did. That's racist. No, it's not. Oh, sorry. Look at the size of that fucking earring. I'm not Asian. I don't make everything. No, it's not. Chung Fang, where are you, dude? Where's Chung Fang when you need him, man? We can make earrings together.

That's awesome. Wow. I found it on a notebook. Look at the size of it. Oh, that's cool. I didn't see a key on that side. Yeah, yeah. Two different earrings. You get cable with those?

Fuck. I'm sorry. Have you ever been with an Asian guy? No. Chao Feng. And I won't be with one either. Whoa. Oh, no, she did.

Oh, shit. I think your tattoos on your arms are really sexy, though. But once we get down below them, I don't think I'll be. Yeah, you never really see that. She wants to meet. You never really see an Asian guy with a sleeve. Your tattoo sleeves are dope, but you'll probably just finger bang me. You got any tats?

This is excellent. You got any tats? One tattoo. It's a key. Finger bang. That's the town he's from. Go ahead. I like this chick.

She's good. Oh, fucking hilarious. Either way, you fucking rocked out with those jokes, man. That was good. You got a great style. What's your material? Do you have any material of you being a nurse? Are you dirtier?

What's your normal act? No, because nurses are dirty. They're a little filthy. My dad's African, so I do some talk about being raised with an African dad. My mom's from Compton, so it was kind of weird growing up. Where'd they meet? At a party. Oh, yeah?

All right. Sorry. Whoa, easy. No, I'm kidding. All right. I'm mad because I don't have a good parent meeting story, okay? I'm sorry. All right, well, let me fill in the blanks here. Whoa, easy. No, I'm kidding. All right. Jesus. I'm mad because I don't have a good parent meeting story, okay? I'm sorry. All right. Well, let me fill in the blanks here. So your dad's African and your mom's from Compton. Yeah.

And they met in L.A. or in Africa? Yeah, in L.A. Okay, cool. All right. Yeah. So you're born and raised in Compton? Born and raised in L.A. What part of L.A.?

Like 34th and Central by U.S. Yeah. Oh, right on the corner of 4th and Motherfucker down there. After you guys looted his grandpa's grocery. Right. Let me ask you this. Yeah, like that happened now. Like that really happened now. Sorry.

No, seriously, I'm sorry. What's the craziest thing you've seen happen around that neighborhood? What's that like down there? I have no idea where 34th and Central is. We can go tomorrow. I'm guessing the only time I'm ever there is when I go 20 minutes past the airport accidentally. I don't know.

There were a lot of prostitutes down by my house. Oh, you've been there. Yeah, you've been there. Yeah, I mean, those are... There were, like, prostitutes. They filmed this episode of Naked and Afraid there. He was a naked prostitute, and he didn't have a condom. Did you get a discount?

Naked and Afraid? That's a show? All right, so go ahead. I'm sorry. Prostitutes in churches. So one time I failed a math quiz, and my dad's an engineer, and he drove me down and was like, if you don't study your math, you will be one of these prostitutes.

That's great. That's one of my jokes. So why did you go into comedy instead of tennis? Wow. You got to give it. You got to take it back. Come on now. You got to be making fun of Tyler Perry all night now.

I didn't have enough colored braids to put in, so I said, let me stop it. I didn't have enough beads. We'll work on that. I love your style. Good job. Good energy. What was your name again?

Can you want to promote? Akilah Aluko. You're on Twitter or anything? Yes. Anything you want to promote? No, not really. What's your Twitter address? Want to give a shout out?

Yeah, really? I want to give a shout out to my grandma in Compton. I'm sure she's listening to this Death Squad podcast. No, really. You're awesome. You came up with the hard jokes. I love it she's listening to this Death Squad podcast. No, really. You're awesome. You came up with the hard jokes. I love it. Thank you so much.

Very good. Can I be the black girl in the Oreo cookie girls at the end, please? No, we don't need that. Okay. All right, anyway. I'm asking Tony, but thank you for your time. Good job, man. Thank you, guys.

Oh, shit. That was fun. That was heated. Heck yeah. That was heated. I love it. We went on again. That was like the last season of That was heated. I love it. We went on again. That was like the last season of Mad TV.

You know what I'm saying? Heated. Fuck yeah, it was. Because there was one black girl on that, too. Mad TV. Yeah? What was her name? Are you still talking?

Okay. So who's next? This is the part where we have both of our regulars who are both ladies. Oh, fuck yeah. So it's all estrogen from here on out, guys. This is good. Finally. Akilah got it started for us.

Taking all the swinging dicks up here. Put your hands together for your first regular. You know her from all the Kill Tony podcasts. She started here on this podcast, and she dropped out of her last semesters at the University of Florida. And now she's co-emceeing all over the country. Please put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon. Hey, guys. A while back, I had a pregnancy scare, which was terrifying.

I was really worried because I don't think I'm responsible enough to be a mother. So I took a test, and BuzzFeed said I'm definitely not ready, and I got an abortion. It was done. Unlike the abortion, that joke kind of delivered. Unlike the abortion, that joke kind of delivered. I was on Facebook today, and I thought this was pretty funny. A woman said that gay people were ruining everything and that they were going to make children go extinct.

Which is weird because people have been gay since the beginning of people. I feel like cavemen were like, no, I'm not sucking dick, I'm starting a fire. It's like the beginning of people, you know? I feel like cavemen were like, no, I'm not sucking dick, I'm starting a fire. It's always happened. I think the meanest thing I've ever said to a gay guy was, how did your voice know? That's funny. Kimberly Collingdon, what do you guys think?

I think that Once again Great joke writing For how long? A little over a year Awesome The ladies are writing Some hard jokes here

I love it Yeah Yeah What's the BuzzFeed? I didn't get that Oh Because a lot of people Take BuzzFeed quizzes

And tests Yeah Come on grandpa Yeah Get on the net Wow Don't you know You gotta take a BuzzFeed BuzzFeed quiz You guys take BuzzFeed quizzes and tests? Yeah. Come on, Grandpa. Get on the net. Wow. Don't you know? You've got to take a BuzzFeed quiz. You guys take BuzzFeed? I didn't know.

I knew it was an online quiz. I thought maybe... I mean, I see them on Facebook and all that shit. Yeah. I sit on the computer all day, so it's everyone that is on the computer all day is just sharing BuzzFeed. Yeah, your daily share and that stuff is fucking obnoxious, right? Yeah, it's terrible.

I just scared an abortion clinic one time. I fucking locked my keys in my car and I just yelled over, hey, anybody got a hanger? They chased me for three blocks. That's inappropriate. No, I'm trying to be the crowd. So that's cool. So how many, so you've been doing it for a year?

So how much time do you think you have now? Well, I've done it for over a year. Oh, excuse me. I didn't know we were shooting an hour special in a year. Let me ask you another question. How many abortions have you had? Well, one more and I get the next one free. I'm kidding. I don't know.

I've done over 60 new minutes, but I feel like I went back and I counted the ones I really like, and I probably used 15 to 17 of them. Of minutes or jokes? Jokes. No, minutes. You do a new minute every time you come on this pod. That's balls.

That's excellent. Yeah, that's really good. Do you tape yourself and listen to the tape? Well, this one's taped, but yeah, every other set I tape myself. Every other set? Why is that? Because I do other sets. Hold on.

Somebody's opening up a Four Loko. Yeah, could you calm down? What's going on? Go ahead, miss. So you don't need to recycle the bottle in the room. Jeez. They'll do that later. The fuck are you doing?

So do you tape yourself or not? I don't videotape myself. No, no, no. Audio, audio. Yes, all of them. Because that's the best way. Because hearing the joke and hearing it all the different ways. That's excellent that you're doing that.

Yeah. That is like, that will drive you insane. I just have a hard time listening. I'm talking. That would drive you insane more than anything. I didn't know it was all about her for a second here. Go ahead, Tony. Sorry.

Tony, you tape, right? You tape and you listen to the jokes. Everything, yeah. Yeah. It's the hardest. Yeah. It's really the worst. It's really hard to listen to it.

But I try to, when I'm done with the recording, if there's one thing that I know stood out to me about it, I just label it as the set. You know, like when you okay it, and it's like, name file. And sometimes I would just hit okay, and it'd be like, new recording 135. And it's like, what the fuck is that?

So now what I do is like, you know, jizz pants or whatever works. Oh yeah, new recording 135. And it's like, what the fuck is that? So now what I do is like, you know, jizz pants or whatever work. Oh, yeah, your buzzword. Yeah. Yeah, you're on every week. I don't know what you do during the day. You said you're on the computer. I'm a receptionist and assistant.

Oh, nice. Interesting. So I just want a computer all day. How does that turn out for you? It's easy. It's a breeze. And you've been doing a lot of spots at night? Yeah.

Anything crazy happen lately? Any breakthroughs? Anything fun? Yeah, I did the Ice House with Joe. How was that? I did Comedy Juice. Oh, nice. It was really fun. That's awesome.

It was really, really fun. How many minutes did you do? I did five. That's funny. I just did a juice cleanse. I got rid of all my representation. I'm sorry. That was really fun I just did a Jews cleanse. I got rid of all my representation. That was really fun. Well, fun times.

Yeah. Thanks, Kim. Thank you. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Follow her on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Excellent. Jews cleanse? Nothing for you?

Nice. I didn't really hear it. I said I did a Jews cleanse. I got rid of all my representation. Nothing. A Jews cleanse. Now I get it. It was like when the other guy said gild again.

And I thought... I was nervous, dude. I never would have put gill again. But I didn't hear juice cleanse. Or else I would have laughed harder, Jimmy. Guys, our other regular. Always goofy, always fun. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

Yes! What's up? What's up? Really, really fucking happy. I never have to take another science class again. I hated science. Science teachers are just like doctors that couldn't make it. All science teachers are fucking weirdos.

I never want to look at another microscope again. I don't even know what the hell you're supposed to scope. When I was looking into the microscope, I scoped nothing. I was like, wait, what are we looking at? Am I training to be a doctor? nothing. I was like, wait, what are we looking at? Am I training to be a doctor? You want me to look through a lens at a specimen?

I'm in sixth fucking grade. You want me to look at a lens and scope it out? There's nothing to scope. I don't care what a plant looks like. I don't want to draw it. I'd rather look through a kaleidoscope. Bring me a fucking kaleidoscope. I don't care what a plant looks like I don't want to draw it I'd rather look through a kaleidoscope Bring me a fucking kaleidoscope I don't need a microscope I want to see some colors

Good job Commitment Yeah, you're all angry about that 6th grade science class I think you've had enough time to get over it Need it to be said. How long have you been doing this? A few years. There you go.

And that's a character? Yeah. What are you doing? Well, it's like another side of me, but I don't walk around like that. Like, I'm a normal person. You know what I mean? I'm not always on,

but this is how I feel inside. But this is you right now. We're talking to you. When I'm talking to you right now, I'm inside. But this is you right now. This is me. When I'm talking to you right now, I'm not going to yell at you. Okay. Well, at least blink. You know, unless I'm fired up. Okay, but the other character

is a composite of what? Of how I feel internally, but I'm a lady. You're a lady? I'm a lady, but I'm an angry lady, but in public situations, I will be my most ladylike angry lady but in public situations I will be my most ladylike self but this is my place to be how I really feel

last question who picked out those pants? you or the character? no I'm wondering if that's part of the character no I definitely picked these out you look hot though thanks for.

Now, wine shank. Normally, your style is you take something small and delve into it and break it open. Make it bigger. River of Seinfeld. Yes, exactly. Normally, it's like shaving cream

or something that people deal with usually. And I think that's what sort of happened here tonight is you went from taking these niche things and making them bigger to your niche thing. Nobody in this – I mean who's – you're talking about microscoping. You know what I mean? It also was like one joke that you seemed like you kind of just repeated through the whole thing. Okay. So many of your things are usually condiments and things that people see or deal with.

So I'm just saying like what do you think about what made you so passionate about your sixth grade microscopes? Because everyone who went to school and wasn't fucking around had to look through a microscope at some point, right? And so I felt like that was going to be relatable. But maybe I didn't make it relatable enough. But I know for a fact a lot of these eyes have seen what I've seen through a microscope, which is nothing. It's all blurry. Let's go back to our Asian comic.

Did you find that interesting, science or no? The pants are interesting. In all your days of microscoping, Sarah, did you ever use the knob on the side of the microscope to adjust the level? To where it became really cool.

I was going to talk about the knobs and I forgot. I wrote that down. I'm sick of knob jokes. I'm glad you fucking let that out personally. Breath of fresh air. Did you put a slide in there? What was on the fucking slide? A specimen. I don't know what it was.

Blood? I'm like, I don't care. Plants? So this is from your high school days that you were talking about, right? It's just like, I think sometimes, I don't know how the fuck I passed biology. Yeah? And I'm glad that I don't have to look in any more fucking microscopes.

Alright. Hey. Got it. I understand. I grew up with a microscope, but it was a lot, I guess, cooler for a kid, like a boy to grow up, like putting your cum on there and looking at it. Oh, Jesus Christ.

You know. They use this to beat off. Listen, the thing is. I just think it's funny, but in some parts of the world, girls aren't even allowed to fucking wear shoes. So, you know, the fact that you get to look in a microscope, I mean, really, come on. Be a little more third world about it. You could have been a fucking CSI, had you fucking liked looking through a microscope.

You could have had a whole fucking other career not being criticized by fucking us. You could have been on a fucking homicide fucking solving team. I would hate that. Is there anything happened lately that you're more passionate about than microscopes? Or is microscopes

really at the forefront of everything? You seem like you're really venting like a teapot. Is that where it all went downhill? I was just thinking, well, there's other shit, yeah. I was thinking about... Maybe just one thing. Anything else crazy going on? Well, I remembered something that happened

in a relationship and then I got pissed and sad and then I felt a lot of things. Save it for next week. Yeah, really. That was a nice little Easter egg. A little teaser. Really, nice tease. Nice tease.

If you love the microscope, bitch, you're going to love this. Hey, you know what, though? You've got great energy and you're like, you're different. And that's like, it takes everybody forever to find out who they are.

I think you know who you are. So that's cool. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. Oh, sorry. No, no. Absolutely. I appreciate it. You're welcome. You're cool. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. Oh, sorry. No, no.

Absolutely. I appreciate it. You're welcome. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Give it up. She did it again. The girls both with a brand new minute. So fun. That's amazing that they're each doing a new minute every week.

Yeah, that's really cool. Wow, Tony. Yeah. Either you're a Svengali to get them to do that kind of shit. What's a Svengali? I don't know. It's like a good man thing. Like a mind reader.

Either way, these girls come up here and they do a new minute every week. Yeah. And they get to perform it all during the week and then they come up? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's fun. They go work on their minute and they come back and bring it to Kim Tony. It's nice.

Yeah. And then they go do longer sets other places and slide the minute in and rotate a new 30 with the old. I mean, they could do it anyway, you know. But the only thing is a new minute here. Guys. I don't think I could do a new minute in a week like that. It's interesting because it would level out, too. I mean, it's not like everything is going to always, you know, connect.

Like Kim said, she's done 70-some episodes or whatever, and she was honestly saying between whatever she said, 15 and 17, which I think that's probably about what I was at shortly after a year. It's not always hits, but

it is 52 new minutes a year. It's the writing. It's the constant writing and writing and coming up with stuff. That's where you find it. It's writing and performing and writing and performing. That's what gets you better. Most people, I feel like most comedians don't really get that until a few years in

is how much writing and work that it is. It's good that they're starting off on a different regimen. Plus, it's ballsy. You're coming up every week. You're doing a new minute. I mean, that's great. So there they are.

Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon and Sarah Weinshank, everybody. So fun. Guys, we did it. Kill Tony 70-something, hashtag 70-something. Put your hands together for Scott Kidd. He's our patriot this week. Scott, anything you want to promote, You're at Devo Kid on Twitter. That's at D-E-V-O-K-I-D-D, correct?

Yes, that's correct. Anything else coming up? I've been helping some friends out. Anytime with Doug Reed, check it out, guys. Bad News Weekly. Why not? Sure. I'm not sure what the name of any of that is.

Or what you... Don't worry about it. Okay. There you go. Next time, if you say that before, people will actually you... Okay. There you go. Next time, if you say that before, people will actually be able to Google it or something. Scott Kidd, everyone.

Our sponsor was Elise Lane. She's at The Girl with the Pan on Instagram and Facebook. On Twitter, she's at Elise Lane. Delicious oven-roasted potato wedges with steak and mushrooms. And a vegan...

It's called poutine. A vegan poutine for me. Oh, nice. A vegan... Are you vegan? A little bit. I don't like to talk about it, but, you know, it's sort of like a...

A little bit. It's sort of a... You are. Yeah. So on fucking Thanksgiving at your house, you have trimmings with all the trimmings, is what you're saying. We can sit around and carve the mashed potatoes

if we go over to your place for Thanksgiving. I kill it on Thanksgiving. Toe-furkey, toe-stuffing, toe-everything. Yeah, well, you can toe-fuck yourself, because I eat that shit. I want some fucking meat and stuffing like a goddamn human being. Dave Attell, everybody.

Thank you for having me, guys. What's coming up? What do you want people to listen to? When does this episode air? A couple weeks. A couple weeks? Yep. If it's around Veterans Day,

I'm doing a Veterans Day benefit for the Military Family Assistance Association at Gotham. That's November 11th. That's Veterans Day

and please come by. We need your help and if not, maybe you'll catch me at the Comedy Underground live version at the Village Underground in New York City

because I assume we'll be having something that way. We're doing some this way, that way. For those of you who watched and the comics who supported it, thank you so much. Hell yeah. David Tell giving comedians a shot on Comedy Underground on Comedy Central,

including Jimmy Schubert, who was on that show. Yeah, it's great. It's one of the best comedy shows on TV. Jimmy, what else? Nothing, man. I'm just going to be out touring. If people go to jimmychubart.com, check my tour schedule. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to be at the Borgata in Atlantic City. I'm also going to Winston-Salem.

I'm going to be in Phoenix. And then for Thanksgiving, I'm actually doing Gitmo. I'm going over there and doing some shows for the military as well. Giving up the Thanksgiving to go do some shows for those guys. Follow these guys on Twitter. It's at jimmychubart and at a tell, A-T-T-E-L-L. Come see me in Red Baron in Toronto. Kill Tony goes to

Toronto in November to the Dark Comedy Festival. Kill Tony live in Toronto. Come see us in Phoenix, Arizona. And other fun things. Great big announcements always coming. Thanks for listening and thank you live audience. That's Kill Tony 70 or something. Yo, the brother don't swear he nice. He knows he's nice. You know what I'm saying? So, Chuck, I got a feeling you're turning into a public enemy, man.

Now, remember that line you was kicking to me on the way out to L.A. Lounge in Queens while we was in the car on the way to the shop? Well, yo, right now, kick the bass for them brothers and let them know. What goes on? Rollin' stones in the rack, ain't that braggin'? Look bigger than Jagger, not saggin'. Rollin' backwards, I'ma leave it at that. Daddy got nothin' to do with that. Outro Music We'll be right back.