KILL TONY - KILL TONY #770

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

Tom Segura, Sheryl Underwood, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 05/18/2026 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY for $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! PrizePicks. A Preferred Partner of the NBA. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill T'Ong. This is Bradman coming live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get off for Tony! It's great!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? And in all the land, that's the Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. You are here, you made it to the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify, Talkspace, and ZipRecruiter. How are we fucking feeling tonight, huh? I love it. We're about to have a blast. Here's a little bit more from the amazing. sponsors that made it all possible tonight.

Hey, y'all. We're going to be in New York, New York at Madison Square Garden, August 7th, and 8th. We will be in Dallas, Texas, Saturday, September 26th, and Houston in Sugarland. Again, on Saturday, October 17th. Get tickets. See, Kill Tony Live. There's nothing like it. Whether someone's bombing or killing, get in on all the action. Go to tonyhenchcliff.com for tickets right now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, we are just business is booming right now. I feel so good about things, and I feel so good about tonight's damn booking.

Two of the best comedians in the world. You know them, you love them. Make some noise for tonight's guest. Tom Seguera and Cheryl Underwood. Oh, my God. Hell yeah. Cheryl, motherfucking. We are living the dream.

baby. Cheryl Underwood, fresh off of the roast of Kevin Hart. A one-hour special produced by Kevin Hart, brought to you by Netflix. Smash so hard,

immediately signed a one fucking special deal. Yes, yes. How awesome is that? You did it for me. We make a good salt and pepper tea. You're damn right. We sat next to each other all night. We took it.

Absolutely. And then we delivered two hours into that thing. They tried to bury us. And we said, Fuck that. Let's go. You say, gone with that bullshit. She is on the I Need a Job Tour.

I don't think she really needs one much longer. I think she fucking did it. I need money. With Kyle Irby is on the tour with me. But wait a minute. So this is two hours of what? You're going to love it. We're going to watch.

No, because I thought we was going to kill Tony for two hours. Well, a lot of people that look like you do want to kill me right now. Wait. Hold on. What happened? What's new today? Did you catch some shit for something? You're right.

Tom Segura is here, ladies and gentlemen. Right now, when this is released, it is out on Netflix. And he's doing a cool little new material show, July 7th and 8th in Oxnard, California. A little something there. How about one more time for Tom Segura and Cheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen. What a dynamic duo.

So Cheryl, here's what happened. There's 250 human beings. Now, we're not going to get through all of them. Okay. But if I pull the name out of this bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. So this is like running a train of comedy. Is that what this is? Yep.

Absolutely. And some people are not mentally well. Yes, exactly. For example, the first name I pulled here, you can't make it up. It's Princess Rubber Ducky is what we're going to end up seeing. Okay, I heard princess, and I automatically thought black. Then I heard rubber ducking, and I went, well, maybe not. You know there's 60 seconds is up, and you're the sound of a kitten.

That's how we all know, and then they have a few extra seconds or else the Angry West Hollywood Bear interrupts them. Since it's show's inception, we needed a louder noise to cut them off. And then I conduct an interview. The entire show is improvised. Anything can happen. So this is like Showtime at the Apollo for white people. You're exactly right.

And for black people. Okay, I'm ready. It's every shape and size. We have it all. We have trans, man's, clans. We have everything here. Anything can happen. The clan.

What is you gonna do, Danny Glover? That is the first time I've heard him called Danny Glover. I can't believe I missed that. It's been years. do look like Danny Glover. Gull for the shit. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. All right. Well, we're going to get it started with one of our regulars.

This guy writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. Not easy to do in front of millions of people. Let's see what he's got cooked up for us tonight. He was originally called the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He is now the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody. This is my first time in my life.

I'm living by myself. And this shit is bullshit. I was not ready for this. I don't have the right shit to live by myself. I had to go fucking buy a couch, nigga. And why didn't y'all tell me couch costs car money? Did she was, I walked into the store, and I was like, yo, I need some couches.

He said, how many? I said, I need enough for six asses to sit down, right? He said, you want a bone-in couch, or you on a boneless couch? And I was like, nigger, like hot wings? Let me get the bone in. I'm gonna land a nigga. We, like, mowing in wings, and then he went,

and he said, well, these two right here is gonna be $10,000. And I was like, nigga, that's a, that's a 2015 Honda CRV with 85,000 miles on there. Nick, don't argue with me, argue with Kelly Boo Book. I said, well, how much for the goddamn bonus couches then? And then he said, it'll be about 800. I said, y'all got payment plans? He said, yes.

And so I got the bonus couch. And then now I get why it costs less, because these niggas shipped it to me, and the shit came in vacuum sealed. Like the drugs I used to sell, nigga, that shit was crazy. But then on the outside of the plastic, it says, do not cut with a knife.

Well, then, how am I going to get in there? Right, how am I going to get in there? And then I finally cut the plastic and my... It went like that. Like, out of there, I was like, these niggas couldn't breathe. Can I keep going?

Okay, yeah. So now that I have spent fucking $800, Now I get while my grandmama couch was wrapped in plastic. Also, I'm gonna let y'all niggas know. If y'all come to my house and I ask you to have a seat, you better sit the fuck down, nigga. I gotta get my money's worth. I dare you not.

I'll pull my gun out. Like, nigga, sit down. And then put that fucking $75 throw blanket on. Nigel, get comfy. Let me show you the rest of the shit I bought. You want to see my blender, nigger? You want to see, I got a blender $200 fucking, nigga. You drinking a smoothie.

If you come, nigga, you drink in a smoothie. Nick, I got a guest bedroom. You stay in the night, nigga. You got to stay the night. That's my job. Let's fucking go. What a way to start the show. Wow.

A brand new two minutes and 20 seconds from our resident regular, Dedrick Flynn. Absolutely incredible, spot-on stuff. Amazing, Dedrick. And it is so true. I really, I never really bought a fresh couch before. until a couple years ago. Like it was always hand-me-downs and shit forever.

And yeah, it ain't easy. And it is bizarre. And you really captured everything about a couch. You really covered it, man. Not easy out there. I noticed a lot of couches were hard, and while a lot of people think I like to sit on hard things, it took me forever to find a soft enough couch for me.

Like, it's not easy. A lot of them are too firm. Crazy stuff. Tom Seguera. You know, you have a lot to say about that. There's so many different types of couches and beds and furniture. And it's a crazy market. It is.

It really is. I've never heard it called a couch. Yeah, what do you call it? A cock. But, uh... Oh. And for Tony, yes. And for Tony to say that he hasn't sat on a hard one in a while.

I'm glad you're telling the people who you are. I'm coming out. Stand up for yourself. That's right. But when he said he couldn't breathe, I went all damn. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. I wasn't here.

I wasn't here. That set was incredible, man. Yes, it was so good. Well, put together. Thank you. Well, but wet. So you didn't have a couch at first? No, every couch I ever had was either found or there when I got there.

Okay. But then when you got the new couch, did you put the old couch on the front porch? No, I just moved straight into this apartment. I didn't have nothing. All I bought before I moved in was a big-ass seat. TV because I'm an old nigga now. Real talk. I found one gray hair, so I said I want to get a big ass TV. Right on.

And then I was like, oh yeah, niggas got to sit down to watch. Real talk. Real talk. True. I'm digging it. I'm digging it. You was about to lose your black card on a couple of them statements, but I'm getting what you said. I love your shirt, by the way. Oh, you're mine? Yeah. Oh, so you know what this is? Yes, ma'am. You know what 1831 mean?

Yes, man. Real top. Yes, man. Got you? platinum black card back on that. Oh, shit. Platinum black card. Yes. I mean, I fucking knew, too. Look at the white people going,

what the fuck are they talking about? They're always talking about something we can't wait in. Come on, black people. Have a meeting without us, damn it. From what I understand, the platinum black card is the only card you guys have that works properly, right? Hold on, motherfucker. Hold on now.

Okay, now you'll let me pull out my shit now. Netflix pay very, very well, motherfucker. Absolutely. I got it. I'm not an old Lord. I hope that it go through. No, God damn it. I got an accountant.

Just a reminder, she's on the I need a job tour. That's right. I'm going to pay off the credit card if I have a job. Fuck are you talking about. Okay, I'm sorry. We don't want to prolong this. No, I love it. Okay.

Dedrick, that's a fantastic set. started man with an unbelievable two. And here we go. It has begun. And now we go to the bucket. As you fans know, this is where shit gets crazy because anything can happen. And as promised, your first bucket

pool doing an uninterrupted one minute long set goes by the name of Princess Rupertucky, ladies and gentlemen. I've been noticing I've been saying y'all a lot lately. And I have a few issues. with that. My first issue is that I'm not from that part of Virginia. My second issue with it is I

stopped saying it when I was a kid because I got me fun of it church for saying it. And yes, it was a Catholic church. Catholics are horrible people. I should know I'm one of them. And you can tell I'm a practicing Catholic because I don't go to church. I try to get to confession, but every Every time I get walking in the right direction, I end up getting turned around by some Latter-day Saints. So I'm assuming that's how I ended up here. But I can say this. Going to Catholic Church as a child has benefited me greatly for one thing as an adult, and that

is it's given me incredible dick-sucking posture. Sit, stand, kneel. And I can say that joke in good taste because when I went to Catholic Church, I was I didn't identify as a little boy. Okay, Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Princess Rubber Ducky. A very religious set. Thank you.

Guessing you... I wear my crucifix just for you. Okay, absolutely. Thank you. Amazing. They took my Ducky's backstage. Okay, all right. There's a lot going on there.

So Princess Rubber Ducky, I'm guessing you practice blind faith. Ah! Let's go. The only time I deny Jesus, Tony, is when I need to get stoned. Wow. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up, Princess Rubber Ducky? Don't tell anybody, less than two years.

Okay, and we can tell. Absolutely. Amazing. So, have you been blind your whole life? No. Okay, what happened? Type 1 diabetes. It's MFER.

Let's check in with Cheryl Underwood here. our type 1 diabetes senior correspondent You're damn straight, you goddamn right. First of all, on behalf of those who talk to God every day, when you walked up here with the white cane and are you pregnant? Oh, fuck.

I'm trying to figure out what the fuck is happening. Welcome to the roast of Princess Rubber Ducky. Yes, and then she, she wasn't there, noticing. What the fuck is you noticing? And ain't you blind? Are you talking against the Catholic Church when we got a new black pope from Haiti by way of Chicago?

Now listen, the only thing I related to was the dick-sucking jokes because I am a professional. But as a fellow female comic, I applaud you for having the courage to get up and do this. What I'm asking you to do is polish those jokes,

get a little more focus, and try not to be so shocking, but kind of pull the set together because you're not a bad comic. Thank you. But we will boo a blind person. We don't give a fuck. I'll never see it coming.

But you'll hear it. There you go. You'll hear it, bitch, because I heard that blind people hearing is good than a motherfucker. Not with you around. We don't boo your ass like Showtime at the Apollo up in this motherfucker.

Not with you around today. Get these jokes right. Bitch, don't come back and forth. with me. Now, hold on, bitch. I was trying to help your pregnant. I want to see the motherfucker that's fucking the blind bitch talking about God with type one diabetes.

How to fuck, you a white woman with diabetes? Happens to the best of us. Yeah. What was the reason she blind is God struck her blind. After he was in the fucking jokes. Now, don't, you are okay. I ain't gonna say shit. Somebody talk about the president.

Princess Rubber Ducky. She's gonna lose all her benefits when Trump here. All right, relax, relax. Let the professional shine in. It's the only rubber she's ever used. Okay, I'm sorry. You're doing great.

How blind are you? Yeah, how blind are you? How blind are you? Are you Ray Charles blind? Are you Jose Felicia? So I'm 32% in my right eye, 2% in my left eye, but I see flashing lights and snow. And, like, I can see your outline, but I couldn't pick you out of a lineup. All right.

You're doing great. Yeah. Let me ask you, Princess Rubber Ducky, because I always find it so compelling and interesting. So what exactly did you consume or do a lot of to make this happen? She's got type one. Oh, is that not the sugar one? No. Oh, okay.

Whatever. Ingram once. Oh. We were here. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, how much strawberry lemonade does it take exactly?

It's just God on this. It's really just God. Amazing. So Princess Rubber Ducky, what do you or did you do for a living? Like, what are some fun facts about your actual life?

Um, so I used to, well, I wanted to join the military when 9-11 happened and type 1 diabetes shut that down for me. And so I got into automotive, and I did auto body, took first place in auto body and welding, kicked my ex-boyfriend's ass. And then I transferred it over to mechanics. And then I started running shops. By the time I was 21, I managed seven jiffyloops.

And then took that to driving a tow truck, learning parts department. I could do anything automotive related. and I made six figures doing it. Tom Segura. I mean, are you blind or you just fucking have head, brain damage? That was the longest fucking answer to that shit. Jesus Christ. That was incredible.

That's a long resume. You have frontal lobe damage as well? I left my car here somewhere. Anybody that needs their car fixed if you have a muffler problem and want your oil changed or vice versa. I'm great with lubrication. It's here for you.

All right. What about those BJs? All right. Princess Rubber, Doug. before I let you go, where do you live? You live here in Austin? I moved here to Austin in November. Oh, congratulations.

What do you love about Austin, Texas? The accessibility. Like, I moved somewhere. We had no public bus. We didn't even have freaking sidewalks. Like, I love it here. Amazing. I can do everything, go everywhere,

and it's been a game changer. Amazing. D-Madness, what do you think about there being a thick, white, blind woman on this stage right now? We have to check in with our blind-based player, D-Madness. Lord of Herzeness.

Princess. What's you say? Rubber duck. I have a gift for D-Madness. I really do. I've been carrying this since, like, I went through Mineral Virginia. You're looking the wrong way.

Look the other way. Over here. Right here. Right here. To your left, Princess Rubber Ducky. That is my left. Keep going. Keep going.

Keep going. A little bit more. A little bit more. There you go. That goes to enough. All right, D-Madness. Okay. I'm feeling.

Am I showing it or am I getting it? Princess rubber duckie. Shut the fuck up. Okay. I know you're blind, but be a mute for fucking 30 seconds. I can. I'm a woman. Shut up.

Oh, lower today. D-Madness, what do you think about there being a blind, thick, white woman on this stage? Very interesting. Oh, look at that. Looks like he just struck a note. She's 510, 125. I wish. Oh.

All right. What gift do you have for a D. Madness? It is a miniature red flag black Jesus. Oh, okay. That is a little black Jesus. No doubt about it. All right. Well, here you go.

When you get off stage, you're going to walk right by them. So there she goes. Princess Rubber Ducky, ladies and gentlemen. The lovely Heidi. How about a hand for Heidi, huh? Absolutely killing it. Our favorite little Barker's beauty. See, when Heidi came out,

only thing I thought was it's the before, and after of a GLP1. That's what it is. It's the before and after. So the blind bitch is before and Heidi is the after. I gave her a big joke book

just because it seems like it'd be more fun to feel. She didn't really earn it, but she deserves to touch that leather. All right. Tony. She asked her if she was pregnant. Oh my God.

I think she's got an eight ounce, seven pound eight ounce tumor in her belly. She might not even have known about it. It was a good question, by the way. She did look pregnant. You were right. What kind of man impregnates the fat blind bitch? How bad do you want pussy that you got,

you know what I'm gonna fuck? The blind bitch. And then she said she caught the bus. How do you know you're even on the bus? Okay, I'm sorry. Oh, yes, this is great. Cheryl Underwood has arrived. Hey, it's a scorching sports summer,

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games even more exciting when every goal and every pass could win me money. Yeah, I've been seeing he's been making a lot of money on the WNBA. Tony, you know, prize picks is available in 50 states, including California, Texas, Georgia, and Florida? Wow, that's very interesting, Red Band. I did not know that. Legacies are on the line in the 2026 NBA finals. Get in on the action with your biggest NBA games of the season and make your picks on everything.

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Prize picks, the preferred partner of the NBA. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet them all together. Goes by the name one minute on Interrupted, going to Max I'mem, everybody. Max I'mum. What's up, Austin? I'm here in Texas visiting my girlfriend.

She's from Texas. She's kind of like a pit bull. She's like slim, sturdy. She's loyal, and she loves playing with balls. She's like the airbud of playing with my balls. Like you've heard of the throat goat. She's the stroke goat. Tony's like, sorry.

So the first time her and I went out, we went out to a hot tub, and I, and I like passed out. All the blood was like not going to my brain. And I passed out. She woke me up. She took care of me. She's like, I need to take you home. She's, I'm going to make sure you're okay tonight.

She takes me home, shows me this, like, stroke goat thing she's got going on. She's making sure I'm okay. She's like, how many fingers am I holding up? I'm like, two, she's like, and how many fingers do I have in your ass? I'm like, three? I don't know. Jesus fucking Christ, Max, I'm.

I mean, what the fuck was that? What in the absolute, you know how bad you have to suck for us? us all to hope that the not pregnant, blind, fucking woman was back up here? You make her look like a fucking genius. Have you ever tried stand-up before? Did you prepare for

this at all? Grab the microphone, you fucking numb nuts? Jesus Christ Almighty. What the fuck are you doing signing up for this show? Telling a half a regular sex story. What happened? I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. It's a new

thing we made up today, but... Okay. Yeah, great. I'm glad you're running your fresh ideas by us here in front of millions of people. That's great, Max. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year. Okay. How often do you do this?

Not a lot. Like, twice a month, maybe. Twice a month. And here you are, on the biggest show in the industry, with 250-some people waiting and hoping, some of them totally ready to be a breakout star. And here you are taking up a spot for something you thought of today, because your girlfriend shoves fingers up your ass. I mean, how fucking stupid is that?

Why don't you tell us one joke that you wrote before today so that we can judge you off of something other than that dog shit bullshit? That set was shittier than your girlfriend's fingers. Unbelievable. Do it just a quick joke. Do your quickest, shortest joke that you wrote. I'm like, I'm so old now.

My favorite drug used to be mushrooms. now it's ibuprofen. Let me tell you something. This isn't for everybody. It's just not. Like, that is just a fact. That's not even a joke. Whatever you and your girlfriend,

ever you guys do drugs or something, you guys on crystal meth or something? What are you guys doing over there? A lot of ibuprofen. Okay, well, still, you just know how to take the energy in a room and absolutely squeeze it dry. Let's check in with the great Cheryl.

Okay, if you're going to tell, I'm so old joke and the punchline is, what did you say it was? Ibiophan. Change it to Val Sarton. Change it to something that old people take, right? And that'll make it a better joke. I don't think he was, I think the material

was lacking. We could tell you were nervous, right? And the way you were describing your girlfriend, I thought you was talking about the blind bitch. Because that's why I kept pointing back there, are y'all a comedy team or some kind of shit? No, I don't know her. And have you now or ever been a gay man?

Never. Because I know you come harder when you stick the finger in the an... Look at all the dick suckers know what I just said. Right? Because you stick the finger in the ass and you do the real... Okay. Too much information because the blind guy is now tapping me on my shoulder. But I think you could...

You got to get better at it. and who are you running these jokes by, your girlfriend? Run it by somebody else other than her because she cares about you, so she's not going to say, kill yourself. Right. Perfect advice. Absolutely correct.

I agree with the doctor, Cheryl Underwood's diagnosis. Let's check in with Tom Segura. Yeah, I mean, look, man. I mean, it's okay. You know it was rough. You know that was rough. Everybody has rough sets. The only thing that I would tell you that is crazy is that you were like, I'll just throw

this together today. You know what I mean? Like even if you've only been doing it for a couple years and twice a month, you should come to this prepared with like your best because this is a great opportunity. But you'll know leaving here that if you have other opportunities, you got to come correct. And if you're going to run something by somebody like that, run it by a comedian who will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Because it's just some anecdotal story.

You know what I mean? Like it was lacking because you threw it together today. You know, you could actually... If you ran that this week, like six times, you would know... I'm fucking not doing that. I'd kill Tony. You know what I mean? So you have to just...

Just do the work. You want to do it, you got to do the work. Yeah, second. You know you bad when white men turn on you. The black woman was trying to help you, but the white dudes... turn on you, but I would say be careful running it by a comic because a really good comic could take that material and make it great. So try to, like, what I do, I say things around people

naturally. And if they laugh, then it's a keeper. If they don't laugh, then you got to go back and restructure the joke and get some joke books and study your favorite comedians' mechanics, not the material, the mechanics, because what you need is stage presence. Bad material with stage presence leads you to better material. That's true. Great advice. And here's one of those little joke books so you can get started. You can write one joke at a time on each page.

There goes Max, everybody. Max I'm them. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. One minute uninterrupted going to Nilo Mac, everybody. Here comes to Nilo Mac. Man, that was the perfect intro music, guys.

Thank you very much, Traylor. Hinch, it is Nillamack. I thought I had a better chance with a stupid fucking name. Lately, I've been reflecting on the golden age of American advertising. You know, when nice, gently dressed white folks explained, if you got a fucking problem at your house, here's a fucking thing that will help you deal with your fucking thing, and this won't help you better than the other fucking things. And then the husband comes down for a cup of coffee. Thank you, honey.

This coffee tastes like absolutely. You stupid fucking bitch. I thought we already had this conversation twice. This country will be great again one day, damn it. There is a man. Commercials today, it's just a bunch of dancing black folks. How did that happen? How the fuck now?

Do you need to do some laundry? I'm sorry, my bad. Look at this, dancing blocklay. I thought I was at the movies. I thought I was at the movies. Uh-oh. You know black people? Walks to the spin circle?

What's for the spin cycle? Tumble dry. Okay. Do you need financing on an all-new certified pre-owned Hyundai? Sonata, good, credit, bad credit, no credit, no problem. Hop aboard the sole train. Lay it down the plane.

All right. We gotcha. Hold on. All right. Neil of Mac. Hold on. Damn. Okay.

Let's take a one step at a time here because I don't think I understood anything you said the entire time. Damn. So the first thing was you said your name and you said that you thought you'd have a better chance with a weird name. What does that mean? Explain to us all what you mean. I don't know. My regular name is not very good for comedy. My first name is Joel. How many times have you signed

up as Joel? I've been signing up as Joel for like a year and a half. For a year and a half and you haven't gotten pulled. No. And you think because you changed your name to Nila Mack with the Instagram handle Joel Tyree, you think that because my hand went in there and you picked just a different fake name that it got pulled like that. Oh, yeah. It's a good juju, baby. Okay. Well, juju's, I do believe, run show business.

But from what I've been told... I wasn't here. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. I wasn't here. Somebody else was here. I wasn't here. Michael Blackston was here.

I wasn't here. I love that you said Blackstin. Michael Blackstead. We do have the clan in Missouri, but sundown's different. It's all Daisy. Dukes and Show Tunes. Nothing you say makes any sense.

Yeah. No. No. No, it doesn't. We're trying our best here with you. So can I call you Joel from here on out? Sure, go ahead. Your actual name?

So, Joel, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? Yeah. What do you do for a living? Oh, well, right now I make donuts. Well, looks like you're getting high on your own supply, my friend.

Oh, right? Holy shit. Pretty sure you're on your way to type 2 diabetes. I'm so smart, I'm a doctor, basically. Are you pregnant? With a big one, where's your good joke sound effect? Come on, let's do it. When Red Band gets a, he is a special sound effect.

Come on, where is it? He's so bad at his job. He doesn't even know where it is. Come on. All right, good enough, that'll work. How long you've been making donuts for, Joel? couple months. Okay. And what made you get into the donut industry? Well, I got, I used some savings and I booked a few of my own gigs at like po-dunk little biker bars, you know, kind of between

Houston and Dallas. I didn't fill the seats, so I just kind of ran myself broke. It looks like you'd be good at filling seats. Yeah. So, now you're in the donut industry. Can you tell us something that would surprise us about making donuts? No. I'm not actually hired yet, boy. What? I am unemployed. Ooh, anybody hiring? So wait, you don't make donuts for a living? No.

I lie. Whoa, crazy. Okay, can you tell us anything real about you? Well, I am from Missouri. Okay. I used to work in a factory. Now I don't. How long have you been unemployed for?

Well, a few months. Okay. How much money do you have saved? Maybe like $1,500. What's your rent? Like 900. How do you survive? Well, I got a few things to sell.

Like what? Booty hoe. Temper piti. Damn. I'm sorry, I ain't gonna say shit else to you because you look like a motherfucker that will kidnap a bitch and wear my skin.

Unless the record show I would not do that. I was wondering did the blind bitch grow a beard backstage? But I'm gonna say, shit else to you. But if I don't make my plane Wednesday, I'm a hostage. This is my fucking.

Just be careful. If I take my girdle off and get the iguana eyes going, Wow, Joel, you are out of your mind. Holy shit. God damn. Okay, so I'm gonna, I'm trying here, Joel. What are you selling in order to stay

alive and make your rent? In real life, without lying, with an unfunny lie. Yeah, exactly. Right. Try your best just to be. Just a temperedic mattress. You're going to sell your mattress.

Yep. And then what would you sleep on? I guess the floor. Wow. That's your plan right now? Yep. A well broken in temperedic mattress. Barely used.

Wow. With this ass. Okay. All right. Well, I mean, we're just going to keep it moving along here. This is a... Here you go. Have a great night.

You too, Joel. Here's a little joke book. You're going to love it. There you go. It's okay. All right. There goes Joel, everybody. All right, the bucket is rough so far.

We've been on this journey before. It's a real show. Anything can happen. Every regular, every golden ticket winner was found out of this bucket. Anything can happen. Your fourth bucket pull of the night on a night of rough bucket pull so far. Goes by the name of Blix Hansen, everybody. Here we go.

Hello, everybody. So, pepper spray sucks. especially when it explodes in your sex toy drawer. Yeah, it's no good. You can imagine how my shade of white would handle something like that. Not very good. But luckily, it wasn't one of my toys. It was one of her toys, and it was a butt plug.

Unfortunately, we didn't catch it in time. It was the worst or best episode of Hot Ones you've ever seen because she's on top and she's like, what's wrong? Something burns. Something burns. But I knew exactly to go for that glass of milk right away. So I got that and a turkey baster.

And, yeah, she down that milk pretty quick, and I did have to get her a second glass. It was a bad night, and that's my time. I'll give you this. You did exactly 58 seconds. That's good. Time was good. You had exactly one funny moment in the mix, which, believe it or not, is better than the three people that were on in front of you.

I'll take it. Incredible. So that really happened or you just... That genuinely happened. Wow. So just sort of curiosity, what's in your drawer of sex toys? How is pepper spray in the mix exactly? Yeah.

So I'm from Maryland. Okay. That answers all the questions. There you go. That's all I needed to know. Now we all picture it. All right. No, go ahead.

Tell us more. And I moved to New York, was in New York for five years, always felt safe, but then when I moved back to Maryland, I moved to Baltimore. Oh, shit. It has a reputation. Yeah. Yeah, that was what I fell asleep, too.

Uh-huh. But I didn't feel safe in Baltimore at all, couldn't sleep for the first six months, so I took pepper spray and mounted it on a place on a wall on all three floors, just in case. You lived in a three-story, place in Baltimore? Brownham?

What? Brownhouse? Brownhouse? Brownstone. Brownstone. Okay. But what do you do for work? One was, I changed things on the internet

for a living. Interesting. Yeah? Like what? What do you change? Anything that people pay me to change? So, I manipulate algorithms for a living. So if you want to show up at the top of

Google for something, I can do that. Or if you want to show up, not at all on Google. I can do that. Interesting. All right. That makes sense. So I play with,

I can see the whole internet search history. Okay. Weird. Are you a white hat? Are you considered a white hat? Are you a good guy? White hat is a long-term thing. I'm gray hat.

Yeah. So I'd like to think I'm light gray. What is a white hat and a gray hat? I can't say it in front of him. He'll wipe out my whole identity. That'd be really hard to do. You were just the one with Kevin Hart. Listen, well, let me tell you what,

I thought your material was interesting because I had to see where you were going. And that's the key to telling provocative stories like this. You gave me the feeling of, you're like the boss at the job who fucks the staff so that they can get promotions You would like, you want me to do what? Yeah, manipulate people.

For sure. I got that too. That's what I felt. It's primarily just me, so it's just me doing that too. How long? How long? Oh, this is the first time ever. Wow, look at that.

That's incredible. Really? Amazing. Oh, yeah. I swear. That's incredible. Yeah. No shorts.

You can't wear shorts. No. Ever again. Oh, yeah. Never again. You're one and done. You got it. That's your only reason you're getting away with it.

Okay. All right. I appreciate it. It's offensive to everybody. I'm sorry. It is true. What was the movie that Kevin Spacey was in where he was the creepy father?

That's you. That's you. That's what you make me feel. You are the creepy father. I don't want to have anybody to get Kevin Spacey vibes from me. I did. I know you're right over roast.

He had a big drawer of sex toys too, it turns out. He had a reputation in New York. For what? So before I went full time. time of marketing, I was in Michelin Star Restaurants. Uh-huh. And there was a reputation among servers that they get

propositioned. Male servers got hit on by Kevin Spacey. That makes sense. Yeah. Financially, yeah. What do you mean financially? Like, bribing. Wow.

For that for that, quick for a quote. So did it... But that's just hearsay? Just here say? It's okay. Come on. Kevin's had a fucking hard enough time. Let's not break.

Yeah, exactly. So let's get back to the pepper spray and the sex toys. Do you have pepper spray on all three floors? And the booty hall. And the booty hall. Yeah. Okay. So how did the pepper spray get on the butt plug? So where it was mounted, it was behind the headboard. And unknowingly, that had been jostled loose. And the person that I was with at the time picked it up off the floor and put it in the nightstand, which also... And your plan, let's just say there was an intruder in your three-story home. And they made it all the way up to the third

story, you grab the pepper spray behind the headboard and spray them. And now you're getting the shit beat out of you by a guy that's all spicy and hot and very mad. And then what would you possibly do after he completely beats the shit out of you and is taking a shower in your shower? No, you would be hot from the pepper spray after his hands that have been sprayed. Beat the shit out of your face because he would immediately grab you. And since you're wearing shorts, we know. You cannot Like reliving that night all over again. Yeah. All right.

Did you ever get assaulted or anything? No, the pepper spray kept them all the way, huh? Yeah. That was more for her because she could use that. Okay. You had a shotgun. Oh, very good. There we go.

That makes more sense. So you never had no danger in body more? You never had a problem? It was like six months after I left that house it got broken into. No, that's not a problem for you. You're fucking gone. Yeah. I was gone.

Yeah. Was there ever a time in which you heard a little racket downstairs and you grabbed the shotgun and kind of sat there, pointed it at the door? Yeah. How many times do you think that happened, Baltar? Plenty of times. Out of five years, at least half a dozen. Wow.

But, like, I was also fortunate, and I had a little garden in the back. And that caused a lot of noise because Baltimore has rats. Ah. Not as big as New York. Right. Got it. Yeah. There's the sound of a rat.

for those of you wondering what that was. You in Baltimore, one of the blackest cities in the world. You was living in Baltimore. So either you're an insurance man, you're an insurance man or an undercover cop. Which one are you? What do you think? Whoa.

I already told you I mess with the internet. I just think you're fascinating. I think you're oddly fascinating. And I would say not stand up acting. Acting. Yes. I think you are quirky personality that could be a great actor. I'd reenact the pepper spray butt plug on your next season if you want. No, no, no.

First of all, you're not going to shoot peppers from toward a black person and you're not sticking nothing in my butt. Not you. I was talking about it. You want me to do. Oh. I don't think that means better. I'm sorry. I thought you were looking at me, but really you're using that you.

How did I get the first? fucking buck plug. And a pepper spray. You've done worse on your show. Your baker is great, by the way. Oh, thanks, man. It is true. Yeah, just throwing out.

Good plug for the bakery. Thank you. Something I found out on the internet, you get around 250,000 searches a month for Tony Hinchcliff. Redband gets around 10,000. Okay. What's your point?

something just to set straight to everybody. You get more people that inquire if you're gay than Red Band does all together. Right. Definitely. I could have told you that. That's very funny. That's what you should have started with.

That shit right there. That's how you do. That is true. No, it's true. If you go with, if you said up front, I literally manipulate things on the internet and study the internet for a living and a fun fact.

that, da-da-da-da. Like, talking about what you know is what stand-up kind of it. So there's a little fun fact. You got that big, genuine laugh for a reason. There's a medium joke book. And there goes Blix Hanson, everybody. Our best bucket pool of the night

with exactly one half of a punchline in 60 seconds. It is incredible. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Keeping us hydrated and everything in place. Stunning. Check out her podcast at Heidiregina.com. And a special shout-out. to Dylan and the team at Sportsman Finest.

They gave us a brand new kiltony gun. You guys might notice this is brand new. They make premium outdoor sporting goods right here in Austin, Texas. This is a brand new golden colt python gun. How exciting is that? You guys are the first crowd to lay eyes on the newest kiltony gun.

Check them out, Sportsman's Finest here in Austin. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chris Longoria, everybody. Here we go. Man, so I recently went through a breakup, been going through a dry spell since then. Met a woman recently, the most beautiful Filipino I've ever met in my life. To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions.

Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids? I need to stop with the accent. Red man's getting horny over there. And then she asked me out on a date. but then I realized she asked me if I was from here and I was like damn she might be an undercover ice agent

so I panicked but I did take her up on this date like I said I was on a dry spell on this date she kept asking questions so you said you were from here how long have you been here were you born here I started getting really scared at this point but then I was really high and I realized that she wanted to use me for my green card

and I panic so I propose to this woman she's going to get real pissed off and she finds out I'm not legal either that's right Ling Lee we have to figure their shit out together now Chris Longoria pushing it to the limit

welcome Chris fun stuff how long you've been on stand-up two and a half years two and a half years we're at Corpus Christi Texas very nice there's a scene out there in Corpus Christi we've all been there we've all toured out there I've heard good stories about you

hitting up corpus, so yes, sir. You got arrested. Well, no, I didn't get arrested. No, no, no, no, no, no. We, me and my friend got, I've talked about this on this show before. Because you're being gay, right? Yes, they thought we were gay. They thought me and my good friend, Matt Edgar, were gay.

And they did arrest the headliner that we were opening for because he's like, hey, those are my buddies, what the fuck are you arrest? What are you kicking them out of a Waterburger for? And the cops, like, if you say anything else, we're going to arrest you. And he's like, fuck that. These are my friends. I'm taking them to their first. Whataburger trip.

And he's like, you're under arrest. Long story short, we found out the next day, the chief of police of Corpus Christi called my buddy because he was friends with the chief of police. And he goes, what's going on? Why did I, why did they kick my two friends out? And he said, well, the officer said a couple f*** were wrestling around in the line at the Waterburger.

Yeah, that was the exact line. We were on speakerphone in the car cracking up. Our buddy's like, shut up, shut up. You just got arrested for being a fan? No, no. Again, we didn't get arrested. We got kicked out of the Waterburger. That's what they were like, get them out of here?

Yeah. Our buddy got arrested for basically defending the fangs that were in the Waterburger. I was one of the fias. Cheryl. What probable cause did they have to think that you were gay? Trust me. I felt like you for a second in that Waterburger. I'm like, this is what it's like.

I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I also heard a rumor that they were going to arrest Cheryl's husband, but he jumped off before they could. All right. You're not making jokes like. I was on your side. Sorry, Cheryl, I had to.

No, you killed it at the roast. I just had to show you. You did too, Tony. You all fucking murdered. Are you, are you Latin? Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God. No. No. I'm sorry. I'll take it. I'll take that. What type of Latin man are you? I was born and raised here in America,

but family from Spain and from Mexico as well. Okay, okay. I was just checking to see what you were. And then is it true that a Filipino woman was trying to approach you? Yes. Oh, okay. Well, I would say I thought you were very interesting when you walked out because you had a confidence to you. Appreciate it.

I'd like for the material to rise to the occasion and meet you in that confidence. Tell the story faster because you don't have a long time to keep the audience attention. Because I didn't understand where you was going, but I knew it was something about immigration. and you could do it, but you took too long to get there. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. Is this something you really want to do,

or are you just fucking around? I'm obsessed with this. And you've been doing it for two years? Yes, ma'am. How do you make money, Chris? I deliver packages. See, wait, wait, see, the first thing I thought was

a bunch of motherfuckers in an 18-wheeler sweating. But then I was like, don't say it, Cheryl. because he said you deliver packages. Oh, okay. I used to install security systems but I really didn't work with me

trying to do gigs and stuff. This really works with me. Who the fuck would let you put a security system? Surprising, right? Surprising. People, when I knocked on the door and be like, hey, I'm the guy that's installing the security system.

They're like, you're the one that's going to rob me after, aren't you, motherfuck? There you go. Thank you for following me. See, you got it in you and you got the skill and the instinct, now get the material to match the skill and the instinct. Yes, ma'am.

You're not bad at this. You can do it. Appreciate that. Thank you. No, I mean, what Cheryl said is about, like, especially when you're telling a story, if you have a minute, like you're, the thing you said at the end

should be like at the 20 second mark. Okay. I mean? Because you just don't have enough time. So you got to, you got to just move it along quickly. And there's a whole part of that that I had to cut out to even get to that. Right, right.

But if you have the minute, you know you got to move quickly. You got to keep caught. Cut, cut, cut, cut. Absolutely. Chris, why do you have crazy eyes? Are you on Adderall or something? You have big crazy goofy eyes.

What are you on right now? They are. Scary. I've been signing up for this for two years and I'm really nervous. This is your first time on. One guy signed up for a year and a half, one guy signed up for two years. But even the whites above your pupil are showing. It's why.

Yeah. You're on nothing? Adderall? I smoked a little bit of weed to calm down. Okay. Also, you did something that some Latin people do. You're like, I got family from Spain. I do, I do.

My dad says they're all from Spain. I'm like, you're bullshit. Wait, but where's your dad from? Mexico. We all know the answer. He doesn't know his dad. All right. Hey, listen.

You're a fucking Mexican, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm a little too dark. You look like you're from Spain. I look like I'm from Mexico. I fucking.

Because you are, God damn. You really are. Pinchepidjo, Mettiroso, Mexican. No, say it. All right, you caught me. You caught me. Spain, concha your mother is Mexican.

You're right, you're right. And you're leaving here with a medium-sized brown joke book, just as brown as you are. There he goes. Chris Longoria, everybody. Let's get a Golden Tiga winner up here real quick, ladies and gentlemen. We have one, waiting in the wings.

This guy originally from England is just so different than everybody else that we like his style. And every once in a great while, he graces us with his extremely dark jokes. Make some noise for the return of Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Well, I met into Boston next Monday, and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we'd do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb. I was at the supermarket over the weekend,

and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Guthrie, I'll tell you what you do see. Fucking toddlers. So, it was this annoying toddler. His parents were oblivious to what he was doing, wandering around. He starts running towards me and my shopping cart.

Now, I could have been the good guy and moved out the way, but no, I thought I'm going to teach this little bastard. There are consequences for running around at the store. Boy did he collide with my shopping cart. His glasses came off, my Coca-Cola's, pop the caps. It's okay, though, he'll be good. He was wearing one of those white plastic helmets.

Sir Winston Pickles, absolutely doing what Sir Winston Pickles does at his best. Absolutely dress for the job you want. A man fully prepared, never in shorts, always 100% spectacular, a true showman and unbelievably executed, dark, your brand of jokes right down the barrel. How do you feel, Sir Winston Pickles? I'm just happy to be here, Tony. Absolutely. Fantastic stuff.

Love the jokes. That's all good. The Nancy Guthrie really got me. Love that. Real misdirect there. Did not see that coming. What's your process, Sir Winston Pickles? Do you write in the makeup or do you write?

A bit of both, Tony. I don't know any write jokes while I'm out the supermarket, believe it enough. Yeah. It's fucking material's just gold. Right. No, it happens. There's a lot going on at the supermarket.

I very rarely get a chance. Do you go to the actual supermarket? Or you just... Of course I did. You do? Almost four times a week, bro. Wow. You're something else.

All right. Sir Winston, how's America treating you? Have you gone back to England recently at all? Not recently, no. No. Okay. I'm actually trying to get back down to my ideal fighting weight. Oh, yeah?

But my ideal fighting weight is 10 pounds, 8 ounces. Oh. When I was a maternity ward boxing champion, 1965. All right. Okay. That's a wacky one. That's a wacky one there, Sir Winston Pickles. I still have my gloves to them.

Absolutely hilarious. Michael Gonzalez could fit in a little. those right now. You're a little guy back there. Look at them. Don't let that hat confuse. He's a little fellow. All right. Sir Winston, what else is going on in the world? What else should we know about? Is that a new suit? Have you always had the Sir Winston custom suit and I just missed? Every suit has these logos. Oh, amazing. Yeah, you're killing it, dude. What else is going on in the world? Anything else crazy we should know about? Well, now I'm in Texas. I got to visit the Alamo family. Oh, tell us about that. Well, the selection of vehicles sucks. I'm going to Enterprise next time.

He is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look who's back. Hello. So Sir Winston, anything else we should know about? What else is going on in the world? I'm thinking of going back to England for a visit to my family, but it's a bit crazy out there right now. It really is.

That's what they're saying. They wanted to be, they wanted to appear to be open to absolutely anything. They wanted to make it look like anyone can come here. We're just the best. come on in, the doors are open, and explain to the people what happened to beautiful London, England. Well, it's a shiddle, basically.

Yes, that's what happens when you don't have proper process. Yes, they don't let anybody in. I mean, they'll let me back in, so... Yeah, yeah, it's true. Have you guys been to London recently? You've been to London, Cheryl? A while ago, and I had a great time.

Yeah. You know, they had a meat out in the open hung upside down. You know, rabbits and all kind of shit Oh, yeah I had a cut dime It was fun, it was fun Oh, hell yeah

And then I went to the palace And hung out, you know, outside They didn't let a bitch in Right, yeah I had a good time But y'all fishing chip What's up with the mash green peas? What's up with that?

Oh, mashed potatoes The mushy peas The mushy peas Oh, very good Can I tell you something I got nothing Because I thought you were very, very good I was kind of concerned

about that Nancy Guthrie joke, but I think you have now taken the Tony Hitchcliffe Award for inappropriate material at the wrong time. That is a good award to have. Right, yes, yes. But I thought what you did

was very good, and it was written well, and all of this works. All of this. Don't change anything. Don't let nobody tell you, take this shit off, take this fucking works.

And I thought you did very, very well. Thanks very much, hell yeah. Can I just say something, Tony? Yes. When I met Cheryl earlier, her hair was flat to her head, then she saw me. Oh, I see. Yes, shocking.

Yes. Sir Winston, great jokes. I mean, just on brand darkness, you got it. Sir Winston Pickles, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. That is one of the golden ticket winners, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles. And back to the bucket we go, where we found Sir Winston Pickles,

where we found all the greats. Anything can happen. Make some noise to your next bucket pole. Ronnie Fryer, everybody. Here comes Ronnie Pryor. Make some noise of your superstitious. Shit, I guess just me. I don't get what's up with the black cats.

Like, what makes them bad luck, right? Like, if you sees as bad luck, if it crosses the street, is bad luck. All I do is whenever I see a black cat, I think, there goes to the neighborhood. Believe it or not, I said that joke one time, and a lady called me racist. You would not be saying that if you saw my search history, lady.

Ah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Latinas and Asians. Ha ha ha ha. Sorry, baby. Baby.

All right. Ronnie. Thank you. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? Two years. To everyone. It's a big day for the two-year class today.

Where at, Ronnie? Corpus Christi, baby. Whoa, you're from Corpus, too? Do you know Chris Longoria? I actually do know Chris Longoria. That's one of my day ones. Amazing. Did you guys drive here together?

No, sir. I actually live here. Oh, amazing. Yeah, I moved up about a month ago. Oh, sweet. Fucking incredible. For comedy, love, and rock and roll, man. We got it all here.

What are you doing for work here in Austin? Fucking, I came for comedy, tone. Yeah, but how do you make a living? No plan B. You know, had a little bit of money before I came here. How did you make your money? Ironically, I worked that fucking enterprise, dude. Wow.

Amazing. Pickles the clown was right. And you saved up enough money to move to Austin. Yeah. Are you making money doing comedy here? I mean, no. Right, yeah, exactly. So what's your living situation?

Explain to these people what it's like chasing your dreams here. Every Monday I come up to kill Tony and, you know, usually when I don't get pulled, I go, I go stay night at Buckees, dude. Fuck yeah, the gas station of Texas. Yeah? Okay, what else? the other six days a week. I've been Airbnb in lately.

Okay. So, and then hotel hopping, just trying to, came to Austin for comedy, so this is what I'm here for. Have you thought about settling down and finding a roommate or something like that since you're living off of saved rental car money?

Have you thought about pumping the brakes on all the fancy hotels and Airbnbs and perhaps being more fiscally conservative? I don't know if you think the Super 8 is fancy, sir, but, yeah, no. I mean, you know, time and a place, if something comes available, you know. But I'm here to do comedy.

I got plans and goals, and that's what I'm here for. So it's just like I don't want to get stuck in the least long term, you know. Just never know where comedy's going to take you. Okay, perfect. Stang Light on your feet. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Any hobbies or interesting fun facts about Ronnie Friar? So this is going to sound cool.

In my past, I knocked up a stripper. Ah. Sounds so cool. We all wish we did that. What could possibly go wrong? It's the same thing I was thinking. Yeah. And then what happened?

And then what happened? And then, let's see, about three months old, I was left with my son. And, you know, she went and lit her whole life. You know, she went on. lived your own life and i've been raising my son by myself that's amazing for uh how long now he's nine now wow so for is that what and now that's incredible thank you that is uh that's amazing Cheryl that's called being a single father that's uh something you may have never heard of

wait minute it's like something you've never seen like big foot a one single father taking care of their child in an area Airbnb. Go ahead. That's the kind of dick we want. Am I right, ladies? That's what we want. Where's your kid? My son's grandma was watching him. Oh, okay. Oh, that's real.

He's at the fucking Super 8. Yeah, right. Exactly. Dad of the year. I didn't know. No, you know what? You have great stage presence. When you walked out, like, I was like, oh, this guy's been doing it a while. Like, you have great stage presence.

And your jokes were great, dude. That was very funny. That was very, very funny. You gotta just do a ton of open... You gotta do all the mics and all the shows you can get on. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Let me ask you a question, because I find it all so intriguing.

Is the former stripper ever part of the kid's life? No, she's in prison right now. Okay. What did she... That's dope. What did she go to prison for? What did she do? What did she do?

Fucking arm robbery. Wow. Amazing. Fucking hot. Amazing. What do you know about the arm robbery? robbery, can you describe the details of what you know? So allegedly. Allegedly.

Convictedly. How'd she plead? How'd she plead? Guilty. Got to plead that shit out. Yeah. So someone owed her money, and her and her friend decide to rob him and cash up herself money. Wow. What's her Instagram?

All right. Caton, Red Band. That's a crazy question. Can I tell you something? That's the show. That's the sitcom. That's the sitcom. Nobody can say you stole that shit from them.

That's the show. That you knocked up a stripper. You keep the baby. And she robbed somebody to get money. I'd watch that shit every motherfucking day. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

She was a top 10 Corpus Christi Most Wanted. There was that. Wow. How long was she eluding the police? Oh, dude, too long. I was like, what the fuck? You guys got to do a better job. She's at the strip club on a pole.

Was she really on the run? Yeah, yeah. How long? Fucking, like, I would say six months to a year. Damn. Yeah, yeah. Do you know where she was hiding? She got caught on a ferry.

Wow. Tony. Wow, yeah, she was on top of me. In the area or at, like, somewhere else? In corpus. Oh, in corpus? Wow. Wow, look at that.

Fucking marshals are after you. That's fucking cool. Incredible. And then when she dropped off your son at three months old, what did she say? I just can't do this anymore. I can't do that. What was the type of verbiage that she used? You know, she didn't want to be with me and she wanted to go explore other options.

Right. So, and you know, do what girls like that do. And what have you learned by having your own nine-year-old. What, do you guys bond a lot? Like, how often do you keep them with your mom? So, uh, I raised them for the first seven years. And then, you know, I was playing mom and Dan. Uh, and then, you know, I need to, I need to find something else for myself, like, right, besides. Right. So this kid's been abandoned twice. Yeah. Amazing. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. My goodness. No, uh, maybe he's a single black father after all.

We thought he was a white father. Cheryl, they do call me white chocolate. Amazing. Amazing. I like how you really took in the applause about you being a great dad. I'm a great. Then you're like, a couple of years ago, I let him go. No, no.

No, your mom is a great dad. That's what's happening. It's baby mama's grandma. Okay. Baby mom and the plot thickens. Wow. Her grandma. It's her grandma?

Yeah. In Corpus? Yes, sir. All right. Wow. Okay. How often do you talk to this kid? Every day.

I just drove back today. I see him every other week and like, I'm a good dad, despite what Tom said. Fucking deal. Right? Shit on. Hold on. He's nine.

I've been raising him since he was three months. And everybody was like, you're the fucking dad of the year. When he was seven, I gave him to his fucking grandma. Amazing. Ronnie Fryer, you had a great set, great interview. That's what it's all about, buddy. There's a big joke. Hell yeah.

All right. Now we're cooking. One more time for Ronnie Fryer, everybody. And this show goes on. I do believe this is... He's inside or he's back there? Okay. This is representing the audience tonight.

This guy was inside. and signed up. Make some noise for G-Pow, everybody. Here comes G-Pow. I know I look like I build benches and stress tests them with my ass. I know I look like a carpenter's sleep paralysis team. And what do you mean there's a weight limit?

I'm getting to the size now where my clothes have no name brands anymore. These suspenders, guys, you've seen them holding down a dresser in the back of your buddy's Tacoma. Come on. These are load-bearing, guys. Come on. I've been trying to do something about it.

I've been going to Overeaters Anonymous, you know? It's like AA for, you know, beautiful people. It's not working. It's really not working. Fuck. Perfect. It's really not. You did it.

First visit, guys. They give you a gold coin as a commemorative thing, and I immediately tried to pull the foil off the outside of it. Not for me. Gee pal, gpow, gpow. The set. Welcome, my friend. Thank you.

Hell yeah. Those suspenders are indeed working right now. Those are functional as it gets. I mean, just amazing. Gee, pal, welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? About 18 months now. Okay.

Hell yeah. Amazing. You're doing fantastic. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I started up in New Jersey, and then I moved down here about eight months or so. Nice. What made you start now?

How old are you? I'm 33. What made you started? 32. Honestly, I got a great girlfriend and she's the one who said, you know, you might just be funny enough to do something.

I love that. Amazing. So she moved down here with you? Yeah, she did. And I'm in a unique relationship, guys. You guys know what an age gap relationship is? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So again, I'm 33 and there's 17 years between us. Oh. Yeah, so she's, um, she's not 16, you fucking. That's the what the fuck I thought. I'm dating a 50-year-old woman, guys. Come on. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you was dating a 16-year-old. Look at that. What's it like being with a 50-year-old woman? Oh, God. If you guys haven't done it, you should do it. Tell us about it. What's it like down there? It's a great time because, you know,

like young girls are so fucking needy, you know? And she cooks good if you can't tell. So, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you telling me? You are fucking a 50-year-old black woman? Is that what you're talking? I mean, her exes were black, so she got the seasoning somewhere.

Hell yeah. Great answer, G-Pow. Great answer. Gee, pal, what do you do for work? I work at Trader Joe's. Whoa, look at that. What the hell are you doing at Trader Joe's? Samples, can you tell?

Amazing. Amazing, G. Pau. Incredible. And how about her? What does the 50-year-old do? Tony, you're going to love this. Oh, yes. Let's go.

H.E.B. Wow. The True, Texas Superstore. My goodness. I mean, does that cause any conflict in the household? The rivalry between H.E.B. and Trader Joe's it looks like you're winning both stores. No complaints here. You look like the boss at the end of H.E.B. The video game.

This is incredible. So, G. Pal, what are you eating? Take us through like a day? What are some of your guilty pleasures? What do you got going on over there? My girlfriend hates this, but she'll tell me there's dinner at home, and I still stop at P. Terry's. Wow. Hell yeah. What's your order at P. Terry's? What's your go-to? I'm a number two kind of guy. It's a cheeseburger, fries. I don't get the lettuce, tomato, because that's just salad. Amazing. And I get the cookie for a dollar, why not? Take note, my horn player is playing Fat Man music over there.

There it is. Hell yeah. That's what we have a trombone player for. Perfect. Amazing. G-Pow, absolutely incredible. Now, is being big runs in your family? Is that like a genetic thing? It sure does, yeah.

The interesting thing about it, though, is my dad used to be 350 pounds, and now he's like a bodybuilder for a living. How did he do it? Divorce. Ah, that'll do it. That'll do it. And are you married to this 50-year-old? No, we're just dating.

She did the whole marriage thing. She ain't into it anymore. Right, right. That makes sense. I am a step-grandfather, though. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, my goodness, a step-grandfather.

My goodness. That is incredible. Do you get to see your step-grand kid? I'm mixed. I'm not black. Wait, what is... I'm confused. See, you were doing so good.

You're saying that shit, right, yo? Yes, I see them often. I see them every night, yes. They live with you? They do, yeah. Wait a second. Was her daughter once a stripper? This is all coming full circle here.

or something cooking it's a small world gee pal tell us another fun fact about your life that we might find interesting you're such a yeah I mean people don't realize it looking like this but I am mixed race really what is

yeah so my dad is half black he's Palestinian and white so he's a victim look at Cheryl pretending she doesn't get that joke oh shit Amazing. What else, G-Pow? Any hobbies or anything that would surprise us? Well, I'm not... I don't have any pets. I have a sea monkey, which is pretty interesting.

Just one? Yeah, that's the thing, right? Yeah. Because normally they come in thousands, but for some reason, there's, like, one in the jar with these giant balls. I don't know. It's just weird to me, because what happened to the rest of them? What? I didn't eat them, okay? Stop thinking that. I don't eat sea monkeys.

Tom Sagar, what do you think about Jeep? You did a podcast with them for a long time. Why are you wearing a shirt all of a sudden? I'm going to interrupt. Yeah, don't let me finish the sentence. Bro. That was so funny. You were so funny.

Just know, like, you definitely can go far in this. I wanted to hear, you know, you had the joke, you're like, my clothes is so big, there's no labels. And then you had, then you did the joke about the suspenders. But I want to even hear more, before you get the suspenders, explain more about, no, no, I'm not. Like, just know that you can exhaust that, because that's such a funny thing that clothes doesn't have labels, you know?

Like, I want to hear about it. And then you can wrap it up with the suspender stuff. But, like, you know what I mean? Like, you can exhaust those topics. But, dude, like, so funny. Like, great joke writing. You, by far stood out. So, so funny.

Yeah. Yeah. Also, if you lose 50 pounds, you'll still be fucking huge. So don't think that, like, oh, I can't lose any weight. Otherwise, like, you can lose 100. And everyone will be like, that's the biggest fucking guy I've ever seen. You'll still be funny in that regard. Don't think you can't.

That's what I told the other guy, too. But you need one more joke. Like I write in a rule of threes. One, two, three, boom, one, two, three, boom. Because it had changed your cadence. So you need one more joke, because the killer joke is the suspenders holding down. That's the killer one.

The one in the front is a good joke. Then the one in the middle is a great joke. Then it's the killer that lays them out. And then you move to you next time. But what I feel, John Goodman. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's a lot. Thank you. I feel that. That is true. Red Band? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom. You just got booked on a real show. Here's a big joke boat.

Gee pal, getting booked on a real show. He moved to Austin, Texas, and now he's on the Secret Show on Thursday. These are the types of dreams coming true. You guys are in for a special treat. special treat right now. How many of you guys have been fans of the show for a long time? Well, you'll be very excited to know that one of our Hall of Fame members is right behind that curtain.

A regular famous for its unbelievable writing and roasting, everybody. I present to you one of the most legendary regulars in the history of the show known for roasting everybody and the panel and the band and anybody who he lays eyes on makes some noise for the one and only David Lucas, everybody. Yeah, I'm the last nigga in blackface.

I'm dating a white girl now and what I have realized is that white women really love their dogs. I do believe if white women could give birth to dogs, they would. It's so weird. Like, I'm fucking with this white bitch and she got one of them little

small bullshit-ass dogs. And I was at her house the other day and I was eating her husband. pussy with my fucking ass in the air on her bed. And her fucking dog jumped on the bed. And I'm like, hey, bitch, lock this nigga in his fucking cage.

Because if he licked my ass, it's over with it. I knew I should have laid down a sniper position to eat that bitch pussy, bro. That's the best position to eat pussy fucking sniper, nigger, because you can fucking clench your ass cheeks and get some extra horse power in your tongue, you know. I'm a Christian, I do believe in God. But I also believe in reincarnation, you know what I'm saying?

And I pray to God like once in mind. I'm like, God, if reincarnation is real, please don't let me come back as a nigger again. Please. I can't do this shit. It's too hard. I'd rather come back as a white person's dog. That's what the fuck.

I would have come back as a fucking schnauzer name Winston. Because a white person's dog is the best treated fucking. animal on this fucking planet, dog. I swear to God. And then I think about it. I'm like, shit, I might want to come back as a rescue pit bull because, like, niggas would buy me and then they would abandon me and then I end up in a

shelter and some lesbian would adopt me and then when she trusts me, I'd kill her. You know what I'm? All right, that's my time. Lucas has done it again. Welcome back,

my friend. What an amazing Two minutes and 10 seconds, you worked harder than you had to. Taking all that energy, you don't spend at the gym and utilizing it here on kill, Tony. Trying to wear camo pants to blend in the fact that you're built like an ice cream cone. Small at the bottom, bigger as you go up. That AIDS therapy is killing you, nigga.

Look how red that nigger face is, bro. You are sweating bullets up here right now, David. What is going on? You've been hanging out with that blind pregnant thick white woman in the back I got money now Nick I don't fuck fat bitch on don't know He had to catch me six years ago you know what I'm saying I If she's 2 80 she ain't my lady You know

Tom and Cheryl look like the first interracial couple to go to prom And Tony looked like the girl that Tom actually fucked that night You are out Blazer, man. You know, I'm a pioneer. Hell yeah. Tony fucking historian, nigga. You are hilarious, David. You are

a master roaster. You helped write for the roast of Kevin Hart, a little fun fact. I did all the racist jokes. I don't know if you did all of them. Yeah, I made all the Cheryl jokes. All the Sherrill jokes. I was just playing. I love Sherrill. I've been watching you since I was a kid, baby. You're still gorgeous. Yeah. I don't know how many of y'all used to watch Sherald,

but she's so black. She used to bring her purse on stage. She has had it on her lap the entire show. She has not let it leave. And you know what's funny is I was telling, it was Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan in the green room before the roast actually said, fun fact about Cheryl Underwood, she always keeps her purse on her. And I'm like, what, really? And then ever since then you've had your purse on you.

Here's something white people don't know. Cheryl, what's the black rules for the purse? You can't put it where? Can't put it on the floor? Yes. You lose all your money. Why is that? Can you explain that to us?

You lose all your money if you put it on the floor. Oh, shit. Black people have so many fucking, like, we're the most superstitious, religious motherfuckers in the world. Like, there's a black superstition. Like, if somebody is sweeping and they sweep your foot, you got to spit on the broom when you're going to jail. What? Yeah, that's right. That's right.

So maybe somebody swept George Floyd's feet and they... Oh, God. Come on. Nig a damn. See, David. I'm joking. Sir, I knew that's going to get you. That's what I said.

Okay, now see, the Floyd family ain't no punks. They got hands. I know. Look, I had an instance with them, but that shit cost me like $15,000. All right, let's stop talking about the Floyds. Let's talk about how black people are the original

gypsies. Because, like, yeah, tell us more. I want to know more of these black superstitions. We were on to something. Isn't it if a bird fly in your house, somebody's going to die? Die, yeah. Oh, shit. You can't whistle in the house after sundown.

Yeah. Oh my God. Don't sit on my bed. You can't sit on my bed. We're outside clothes. Yes. You can't wash on Sundays or you're going to wash

somebody out your family. Yes. I should make a book. Oh, my God. This is incredible. I'm so intriguing. I was in my buddy's house on Saturday

and a fucking bird flew in. Well. That's scary. You do have AIDS. Well, I mean, you're out of control. You're out of control. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I love Tony, man. Tony, I just rap my first full-length movie, dog. They found me from Killed Tony, bro. Wow, that's incredible. It had Jonathan Majors is in it, bro. It comes out in, like, October, November, yeah. Okay.

I filmed it in the worst city possible, nigga. Like, motherfuckers, I was in Gaffney, South Carolina. Motherfuckers, they don't know that slavery is over. like, they're like, what you doing here, boy? That's like the peach capital or something like that? How'd you know, yeah. Because House of Cards. I'm a big fan of the head actor Kevin Spacey, so.

I mean, and he is the senator from Gaffney. I do believe in that. It's weird, bro. The best restaurant there is Cracker Barrel. Yeah. What do you get from Cracker Barrel when you go there? You look like the barrel, so. You look like.

the crack. A fun fact, David Lucas and I have the record for the two people in the world that have made fun of each other the most. Yes. That's out there. That's an actual fact. Like, that you can watch recorded history.

There's hours and hours and hours of us going back and forth. You got the fastest twerks in 60 seconds. The fastest, what? Twirps, when you be shaking your booty? Oh, okay. Well, you have the slowest, obviously. fucking sluggish ass motherfucker I love this little homosexual dick

amazing I can't imagine how much weight that dog gained by eating the dingleberries hanging from your backside I can't even imagine that dog ate good kibbles and bits some of that purina puppy child back there Lord only knows what's going on back there. That's why you're wearing camo.

I'm letting a nigga that got bit by a gay vampire roast me. All right. Well. Cheryl, you don't age, baby. You're beautiful. That is amazing. It is true. I had to change my jokes on the spot before the roast because you did look so good. And I thought you were going to wear weave. And then you came

out with that beautiful head of hair. I was going to say, I did have a joke, like planned about what hair you would be wearing. And then you had that and I had to change it to Laffy Taffy in a dryer. I changed my whole thing. Well, you talked about me being on the talk show. No, nah, nah, nah. Oh, yeah.

That was funny. That was funny. Thank you. No, Tony, so most black women with money don't wear weaves anymore. They wear wigs. Oh. What's the difference between a weave and a wig? A weave is sewn in or glued in, and a wig covers your whole head.

Kind of like when you get your big suck by your boyfriend. Oh, okay. Perfect. Oh, now I get it. I didn't understand until he said, Bob my boy for him. You son of a bitch. David Lucas, we love you.

Everybody loves you. The legend, the Hall of Famer. David Lucas. And now we go back to the bucket. We're coming up on it, folks. We are coming around that corner. Oh, what a beauty. The lovely Heidi.

All right, we got another bucket pool coming in hot. Make some noise. 60 seconds, uninterrupted for David Hall, everybody here we go good evening ladies and gentlemen I am a bunch of white privilege let me tell you I'm born in Africa so it technically makes me African American that must make some of you a little uncomfortable or excited depends on the day what didn't help was my mother was a fantastic drug smuggler I was the

mule so you can imagine little boy beautiful mom lots of cocaine borders straight through. I just kept doing it. I grew up. I was like, oh, this white privilege thing seems to work. And then I get to New York City, and I'm hanging out in the Bronx, and my friends go, you got a little too much white privilege. I'm like, but I'm African American. They kicked my ass. But after that, we went out, and they really saw the white privilege. The little slide of the $20 bill, so we don't have to wait in line. The little slide of the $10 bill at the the bar because I'm running out of money, so I don't have to wait in line. And then at the end of the day, I'm asking them for money, and they go, shit,

maybe you are African-American. Okay, David Hall. So what do you mean you're African-American? You were born in Africa? Yeah. Really? Yeah, he's African-Nairobi. Okay.

And two, obviously, white parents? One, Corpus Christi, Texas mom. Uh-huh. He lied to me her whole life and told me she was a Cherokee Indian. Uh-huh. They'd do that. Go ahead. And Father was English.

Wow. Amazing. What's up with your eye? Ah. You see, before I came out, I was like, do I do the eye joke? Or the privileged joke? So I was working in the mountains, as you do, with a big knife. As you do. And a big machine kind of fell, kind of plunged it in my eye.

Ah. Wait a second. It doesn't hurt. It's just liquid. Now, wait, wait, wait. I'm standing there, knife in the eye. This isn't funny. All right, get to it, David.

No, that's what I said. Okay, that's it. So you lost your eye? No, no, still there. They put it back together, but not too good. But it doesn't work. No, you look like God. Well, how many of there are you?

David. Okay. Sorry. So is there a reason why you just walk around with your eye closed instead of wearing a patch or something? I keep losing it. You keep losing your eye patch? Yeah.

Doesn't it wrap around your head? Yeah. But you have a couple drinks. You're like, mm-hmm. I don't get the eyeball jokes because they put the fucker back in. You drink a lot, David? No.

Oh, okay, just enough to lose your eye patch a lot. Yeah. All right. I have glasses, too, that I spray paint the inside, but then I just sit on them because they're on my left. Okay. Yeah. Wow.

A lot of glasses. See, I was hoping for some pirate jokes or something to go with the eye. Because the African-American shit, we voted. And all the black people said, that shit ain't funny. But they haven't seen me naked. We don't want to see you naked.

Oh, okay. But I do think you could be, never mind. You can't be. Well, maybe the next bit will be pirate. I did add gold teeth lately. Okay, David, let's take it one step at a time here. How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? Never done stand-up comedy, but I was in a circus in Paris for fun.

Okay, so the answer is, this is your first time doing something. stand-up comedy. Absolutely. Are you a drunk or on something? No, no, just you? You're just quiet and kind of shy? Yeah, I guess for your first stand-up night, a bit shy, be quiet, yeah.

Next one, I'll have a drink. You was in a real circus, or was you in a carnival? Contemporary, contemporary circus. You, for real? Yeah. Circus. Yeah, Circul electric. What'd you do?

I presented the show, and then I ran the bar afterwards. So you were the, like... Monsieur Loyal. Fuck kind of circus is that. It's a French, French circus. It's like some shit that we black people would do. You know, get some dogs and shit. Bring this motherfucker out.

You go, this is a circus kid. And that's what they did. Bartender. Yeah, bartender. So Universal Soul Circus is like this. What would happen at your circus? What type of entertainment did you have? Well, Tony, it was experimental circus.

So we had trapeze artists, comedians. Well, not comedians. Clowns. Okay. Actual crazy fucking clowns. They love the goddamn clowns. They love the goddamn clown. I fucking love him.

It's awful. Yeah. We had this great guy who could take off his clothes without even touching him. I thought it was quite amazing. Like pants off and then pants back up. It doesn't seem that hard.

We had three comedians almost have their pants fall off up here. Okay. All right, David. I just think you're kind of like, kind of boring, David. Yeah. Well, beginning for everything.

What's the most interesting thing about you before I let you go? The most interesting thing about me. My wife. Okay, what about her? She is an East German refugee from the communist bloc. I met her in Switzerland.

And she dropped everything, followed me to Scotland, followed me back to Switzerland, followed me to New York, Colorado, and now here. Okay. And she's fantastic. Okay.

What's your favorite thing about her? Favorite thing about Susan? She has that laugh in the movie theater where no one else laughs. I can tell. Yeah. Because you probably ran some of the...

this material buyer and she was probably cracking up. She was losing it. Do you want to see an impression of her losing it? Sure. Okay, here you go, David. I'm gonna get you out of here. All right. There you go.

Back to the circus you go, David Hall. There he goes. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. Your next bucket hole goes by the name of Stephen Glenn, ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Stephen Glenn. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Unbelievable.

This show is crazy. There's one. Bamb, pump. Let's go in your face. I need I be very what you're okay, but da da da da da Okay.

Okay, is there more you wanted to do something? I had... Okay. Fuck yes, dude. dude. Yes. That was fucking awesome. Keep doing that.

That rule. I mean, I don't even know where to begin with this. Stephen, did you want to do something other than sing a bad parody of a song? Fun fact. Jews. Okay. I'm going to stop you there. Stephen.

Keep going. Jews like to kill six out of seven people. That's where six seven came from. Yeah, I'm so in. How you're getting out of here because I know there's some Jews and some gay people outside ready to whoop your fat ass. What are, and why did you drop the clown suit?

That was the funny shit. And you got the nerd to have a fanny pack? Yeah. Where are we going with all of this? of this. I completely disagree. This is the lane to stay in. This is fucking awesome. Stephen Glenn, I gotta ask. What's up with Asians? Give us some. How long- I loved it, dude. Yeah. How long have you been doing comedy, Steven? This is my second time. Right. And your first time you did it, did you do it with a clown suit come out, face the other way, and then sing a parody of the Cheers theme song?

I did the Cheers theme song. the finger goes into the belly button. That is, he's, he, when he gets nervous, he fingers his belly button. It's a tick. It's a tick. Oh my goodness. Stephen. Keep doing what you're doing.

Do not pivot from this. I'm telling you, this is fucking goal. Thank you. Stephen, I don't know how we're going to get around the YouTube rules on. song parodies are so strict that we're going to have to really do some surgery to your parody and have people imagine the Cheers theme song while not actually being able to, I don't think we're going to be able to air. Red Band has informed me that there's no way we can get that through. Yes, it's not us, it's YouTube, because they are very strict on the way that

music works. I'll pay the fee. Okay. All right. You're here. Oh, he's making some big creative decisions over here, folks. But you got to, I mean, second time, he made a choice. Totally. Oh, absolutely. And he has not cracked a smile. This is a serious man. Oh, there he goes.

Steve. I like that you fucking. When was your last time? When was the first time that you tried this out? Was that a week ago, a month ago? It was at the shit show in Fort Worth, Texas. When was the question? Two weeks ago.

weeks ago and you're like, this is it, I'm ready. Yeah, I got a good, I got a good feedback. Pure perfect, no, I mean, you're getting it here too. How old are you? 45. No fucking way. There's no way you're 45. Yes, I'm 45.

Okay. So what have you been doing your whole life, Stephen? Tell us about the real Stephen Glenn. Well, the first time I got on stage, I was like four years old. Uh-huh. And I had a clown outfit. And I fell in love with the stage because, like, the first time I was on stage, I kept bowing and they kept applauding.

And this is, you know, kind of like a full circle moment with a clown outfit. So I was kind of hoping I could, like, recapture that with this audience. Yeah, you just did it, yeah. So the more I bow, the more you applaud. Uh-huh. Please. Okay. I fucking told you, dude.

Okay, that part was good. Because you kind of lost me. You was like Jason Alexander lost all his Seinfeld money. But I went with you on it, and you committed, and you stuck the landing, and I'm with it. You got on the Chuck Taylor's. I see where you're going with all of this. Stephen, you are, like, you seem to be a really funny guy. Yeah.

Thank you. What have you been doing your whole life? I mean, I gotta know more about you. Tell us about your real life. What do you do for work? I do Uber. You drive just regular people in cars? Yeah.

Do you ever do? How long have you been doing that for? About six months. Okay, what were you doing before that? Everybody wants to know. Well. I kind of take care of my mom. Oh.

What's up with your mom? Hi, Mom. Oh, my God. Well, I moved in when my dad passed away, and so I kind of, you know, she became my best friend. Okay. And she's not going to be around forever, so I'm taking applications for anybody.

He's looking for her best friend. His voice is so cool, too. He's talking up here like he's... Sounds like Bill Clinton meets Elvis. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

My grandfather wrote an Elvis Presley song. Really? Wow. Called Crying in the Chapel. It's the only gospel song that's on his number one hits album. Do you have a gay parody of it? I could make something. No, you can't.

You can't. It literally, it sets off- It sets off-al- You're gonna lose us. The YouTube rules are crazy now. You literally can't do anything with music. We're going to really have to- You drive Uber, did you say?

Did you say? Yeah. That's correct. Do you put the child lock on it so people can't get out the car? Yeah, it was on child lock. It had some kind of thing where they couldn't leave, so I kept having to open the door for him. And then it fixed itself somehow. But yeah.

What did you do like the previous, like, 25 years, basically? Yes. What were your other? Oh, I was a child actor for Kenneth Copeland Ministries. For what? You were a child actor for what? Did you say Kenneth Copeland Ministries? I'm trying to...

Yeah. Okay, what? Say it again, God damn it. I was a character on a series for Kenne Copleyn Ministries called Commander Kelly and the Super Kids. My name was rapper. The guy who was the nerd Superkid was black. But they gave me the rapper part because I was on the audio tapes before the VHS. What? Hold on.

How long did that gig last? Let me think. I mean, there were four movies for about 8 to 10 years, I think. You did that for 10 years? Yeah, yeah. All right. What was your name on the show? What was your character's name?

Rapper. Rapper. It's kind of generic, but, you know. Don't keep that stuff there. Okay. Okay. And then did you do something after that, but before... I was on an episode of Chuck Norris.

Yeah, but that's one... Wait, hold on. Hold on. You were on Walker, Texas Ranger? You were on an episode of Chuck Norris? Yeah. Listen. Is this you?

Yeah, that's me. That's you? But we lost to. Yeah, that was a close one. That's you? Yeah. But the aged ducked is where They cut across the neighborhood

And here behind a tree And that's when the can I took a fight of him to me We did, Oh my God Okay I know talent, I know talent I'm trying to tell you man I fucking no talent, dog

It is incredible You are the Simon Kyle of Kielton Yes So the question remains Stephen. Yes. Between that little kid and you now, what the fuck have you been doing the whole time? No.

My mom says I inherited my dad's body. So, you know, it's kind of an ode to him. But yeah. Okay. This is fucking Jedi-level evasion. It's unbelievable. And I fucking. It is something else.

You have an unbelievable amount of charisma. When you say that you were on an episode of Chuck Norris, which is the name of an actor, what do you mean exactly? Did I say Chuck Norris? Yeah, you said you were on... Walker, Texas, Ryan. Okay, what episode?

Can you describe your character on Walker, Texas Ranger for us? I remember I had like a purple silk shirt. Okay, do you remember the name of the episode or the name of your character? No, the scene got cut out. I handed it up. All right.

Yep, I can see that. Much like it's going to on this episode of Keltony. Because there's no way we're going to be able to get around that cheers thing. It's going to basically start with your interview

and people, the listeners will understand that you did a gay parody of the cheers theme because trust me, we won't be able to do it. Right on. It's going to cost like

40,000 bucks. I want to be clear, I'm not paying that fucking fee. Ow! Oh, they're booing you. Oh, okay, here's 40 grand. Sure. Look out serious,

we are red band. Oh, I'm excited because he just kind of chuckled. And he... You have an Asian wife, right? Yes. Sure. So me and my buddy, we got the bright idea to start interviewing Asian women.

You know, make it really exclusive. exclusive. So if you're Asian and you see me and my friend on the street, you know, say what's it? Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Stephen, you might be one of the most accidentally hilarious people I've ever had on this show. Just say what's up. So you and your homie are interviewing exclusively Asian women on the street? Because you see, you know, those guys question women on the street. but they're always like the drunk white girl. Yeah. So, you know, we want to spread the love.

All right. Janice, we're being pranked right now. No, Janice will do it. Janice will do it. Very good. Thank you. We're being pranked right now. You're like a professional something.

Something's happening here. Who sent you here? What are you exactly? Tell us the truth, God damn it. You're here to bust the show. You're trying to crack the show. No, not deep statement. If you're Asian, don't be scared.

That was fucking amazing. You're Asian, just fucking holler. You know what I mean? This is the first time in the history of the show in which every question I ask results in me having 25 more questions. Let me start here. How many Asian women have you interviewed on the street?

If you had to guess, if you had to give us a ballpark, this show that you and your buddy supposedly do or have been doing? So, we came here to Austin. about 12 years ago. And we did like this music video called Asian Girls. And then we went back on YouTube to see if, you know, it's copyrighted or who did it.

But we can't find it. So we're going to use it for the theme song for the show. You're going to do a thing called What? We're going to do a show called Asian Girls. But you haven't recorded any yet? Huh? Have you recorded? No, we have an interview.

any Asian girls. So this... I had a feel like... We're gonna use the footage we shot 12 years ago in Austin. What are the odds? And then we're gonna, you know, interview some Asian girls.

But you haven't done any yet. No. Okay, so that was... You were just like, let people know. Letting you know. Say, what's that? Wow.

So... What do you... Are there any Asian women in the audience? right now. Is there an Asian woman in the crowd? Turn the red lights up, Kina. Let's see if there's an Asian woman in the crowd that might want to be interviewed. Is there an Asian woman that's willing to come up here

and get interviewed by Stephen Glenn? Not a single Asian woman? There's got to be. Nobody? That's a Mexican lady, sir. All right, forget it. Turn it down. Why don't we make believe? Why don't you pretend like Cheryl Underwood is an Asian woman? Oh, no. Oh, no.

This isn't even the Asian hair. This is different. But you said 12 years ago. 12. Yeah. You recorded. Yeah, we came down here and shot footage for my friend's Mexican version of Mario vehicle. He had a car.

You painted it. He created the Mexican Mario, and we were... What's the fucking confusion? I'm sorry. What do you mean? You're asking me, Wob, I'm confused. It's clear as fucking date. 12 years ago, him and his buddy

recorded a video for Asian girls, his buddy at the Mexican fucking day. And then they're going to interview girls. Jesus Christ, it's clear his fucking day. What do you mean Mexican Mario? What was the difference between regular Mario and Mexican Mario? Well, he had a poncho. Oh, me.

Yeah. Okay. Are we getting played right now? I think we might be. I love it. You need to go audition for Saturday Night Live. Okay. Because I think you would be amazing.

I enjoy the ride. Whatever this was, I love the fucking ride, dude. I had so much fun with this. Please don't go. It's like if you mix crack with Kuelu. Yes, dude. Did you fuck with a lot of drugs? No.

Have you ever hit your head really hard? against something. I am epileptic. So if you see me, if you see me, I'm epileptic. Shocking. So if you see me flopping around,

that's not part of the act. Dude. Yes, dude. This is by far the best person you've ever had. I don't know what's real and what's not. You're so funny. It's incredible. I feel like we might be the last one.

one's in on a joke. I feel like you're like an actual professional that's goofing around and being silly. You have half a clown suit on. Your shirt's still lifted up. You are something else. I love your style. Here's a big joke book.

Stephen Glenn. Take a bow. Oh my God. That is something. He almost went the wrong way behind the curtain. I saw him. Tony, that was fucking unbelievable.

This show is crazy. It is insane. That's crazy. That's crazy. That is him. That's him. That's him. That is him as the rapper on Kenneth Copeland. Yeah. Jesus show. This is all crazy. This is all nuts. We have one final bucket pull that has to follow that, everybody. And they will go by the name of Swate McCoy. One minute, uninterrupted from your final bucket poll of the night.

Swade McCoy. I'm going to start. I'm going to waste part of my minute. What the fuck was that? What? I almost Daisy Duke. my shirt coming out this way. That was wild. No, you don't want to see that. It's sad underneath here. Here's my minute. Fuck, uh, fuck Pete Diddy, dude. Fuck, Pete Diddy, I know you like him, but I don't like him.

I don't like the guy. I think the worst thing he ever did was music. Hang on. I think, I think if he was better at music, we'd forgive the rest of it. Like, think... Hang on. Hang on. I only got a minute. Think about Michael Jackson, dude. Michael Jackson, they said, Michael's fucking kids.

And he said, ah, ch, hoo! And they said, shut up, McCauley. Shut your stupid mouth. They told McCauley, too, beat it. That's bad. On that same note, R. Kelly pissed on women. But P. Diddy didn't pee. Did he?

That's called wordplay. Thanks, guys. I'm Swade McCoy. Thank you. Swade McCoy. How long you've been doing stand-up, buddy? Do what? How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? Two years doing stand-up.

I've been acting for like 15 years or so. Really? Have you acted in anything that we've seen? Perhaps an episode of Chuck Norris? Oh. Oh, is that guy stunt double. That's uh... No, but seriously. My dad's in the music industry.

He's actually friends with a couple of friends of years. Rob Schneider was in a music video his. Okay. But what have you acted in anything we could recognize? No, I'm just gonna say my dad's doing stuff. I don't do much. If I'm honest, I'm not good for a whole lot. All right. So how do you make a living, Swade? I work for a boot company called Lucchasey. Oh, okay. We like Lucchese.

That clap sounded good. The boots are going okay. All right, cut. Yep, good boots. How long you worked with them? About three or four years now. I'm more of a Tukovas guy. Point your toes wet. No, come on. It's okay. It's all right. Until Luke Casey is a sponsor. I am a Tukovus guy. I'll figure that out. I'll talk to him.

Perfect. Talk to your dad for me, will you? So, Swade, tell us more about your life. What else? I grew up in small town in East Texas. My dad did music for a long time, so I toured for a little while. Is your dad famous? Can you say his name? He's a country singer named Neil McCoy. Okay. You guys know Neil McCoy? Okay, checks out. My Mexicans agree. They know Neil McCoy.

He's part Filipino, so the Mexicans and the Asians love him. Perfect. I love it. Somebody to latch on, too. Amazing stuff. Oh, yeah. Neil McCoy, legend. Known professionally as Neil McCoy and previously is Neil McGoy. He changed his name, huh? Yeah, I stole that too. I'm using the McCoy thing too.

That makes sense. Look at McGoy how it's spelled on there. It's like nine letters long. You can't write that here. Right, definitely not. Okay, Swade, any other fun facts about your life? What else is crazy? I lived in L.A. for about seven years.

I left because I got robbed at gunpoint. Uh-huh. That makes sense. I lost that fight? Yeah. No cops around, right? No cops until I called them. I'll tell you what, I've never felt.

I've never felt more racist. I'm not racist. Let's start there. I look. Hang on. Wait, stay with me. I've never felt more racist than when I tried to describe

the guys that robbed me to the police. That's hard to do. Hey, Cheryl, how are you? See you. Wait, what they look like? Yeah, can you describe? We want to hear the description. I couldn't really see it.

It was really dark outside, but I know they were wearing black hoodies. They were wearing very blue. black, very African-American hoodies. Wait, wait a minute, wait. We had... We're the hoodies? They both had on Jordan Fours.

Yeah, those are exclusively for the blacks. Shoes you could dunk in and rob me. That's shoes you can dunk and rob me. What did you say on the 911 call? I said, hey, you guys got anybody in North Hollywood free? And they said, yeah, why not? And they sent over...

When you call the... Here's the problem. When you call the cops, You want two six-foot-tall white guys with a mustache. Definitely white, yes. Well, with muscles, you want them to say, which way did they go and take off running? I got, I'm not kidding you, I got two five-foot-four Hispanic ladies that were overweight. And I thought, what are you going to do?

Roll after them? Like, how are we catching these guys? The Jordans are going to be really fast. Yeah. I'm going to help a lot. So. That happens. Did this really happen?

It did. Yeah, there's a whole nine, one want to report, I can send it to you. Okay, you need... I'll fax it over. Well, you lost me when you... I thought you were going to say something really good, like C-PT, a Compton or some.

North Hollywood. Yeah. That's what I thought. How do your bitch ass get robbed in North Hollywood? Look at me. Right. You can rob this anywhere. You could...

You could rob this with an idea. Well, let me give you two... Let me give you two things I'm feeling. First of all, you came behind that guy, and you did a really good job. Yeah. So I give them to you to come behind the other guys. The name, Sway, McCoy, is fantastic.

No, I knew you was going to be a black guy. No, I knew you was going to be country as hell. I knew. I thought you were going to come out here with a guitar and sing or do something. But I think you are a really good person with a great persona. But that robbery joke, if you're going to make those connections where it's kind of us, but it's not us, then you got to make the connection right. Because when you said North Hollywood, I was like, this motherfucker didn't get robbed.

He was trying to get fucked. He was trying to get fucked. Yeah. Where did it happen about Lancashem and Magnolia? Yeah. I was in Magnolia in kind of those neighborhoods right off Lancashire. Right. You know how I knew that?

Oh, no. Because the train station's right there. Oh, yep. They ran a train on me. Well, wait. It's just an easy getaway. It's an easy getaway to get on the red line to the, I believe, blue line and then you're back

in Compton again where Cheryl's talking about... I wish you'd been the cop they would have found them. If you got to say something better than that, but did you just say they ran a train on you? I meant they ran to a train. I'll... Thanks for how. That's... Hey God. What did they get from you?

I had just gotten back from a cruise and you carry a lot of cash on a cruise. I had $500 in my wallet, which in L.A. is a billion dollars. Yeah. So they took pretty much everything I had. Well, Swade, any other crazy fun facts we should know about you before letting you go? Not that I can think of.

You take stand-up seriously? How often do you perform? I try to perform at least every week. All right. Well, there you go. If you really are serious about it, I would do it almost every day. Try your best. Here's a big joke book.

Fun stuff, Swate McCoy's Hill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen. And now we've reached that part of the show where, boy, oh boy, do I have a special monster for you people. I mean, this guy is the full-time newest regular, and every single week he comes out guns ablazin with material that we just can't believe. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the real deal. This is Pat O'Neill. I support a woman's right to choose

and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead, bitch, okay? I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion, so I just bought some red confetti. for the gender reveal and I figure that to send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy or as trans

people call it, microdosing. Seriously, folks, if you would have told me like 10 years ago that one day men were actually going to be allowed in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty. Just needed more time. Thank you.

Fucking son of a bitch. I mean, every single week, he comes in over the top and just absolutely only hits home runs. Pat O'Neill, you've done it again. Thank you, sir. It's incredible. The run that you are on right now is something else that is just crazy. How does it feel, buddy? Pretty good.

Yeah. Sitting back there for a while that gay clown was out here? Yeah. There's a lot going on. This was a wacky episode. We were waiting on something like that. you. And you brought it home once again. Cheryl Underwood, I want to hear your analysis. This has to be your first time seeing Todd O'Neill. Emo Phillips on Acid. Yeah. To me, I think you have something very

irreverent, but it's, it has humanity. I don't want you to stop being you. Don't let anybody tell you what you can't do or where it's not going to go. Oh, I've tried not to be a lot. Because I think you're very, very funny. Thank you, man. Thank you so much. You are. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Very provocative. Yeah. What do you think? I'm just glad to be on your good side after watching all night, honestly.

Tom Stegro, this is your first time seeing, Pat O'Neill. It is. That was so funny, dude. Thank you, Tom. It was so funny. You're welcome. No, it was fun to wrap up the night with, like, fun, like, solid jokes. I love that they're dark.

It was really fun. Please keep going. Thank you, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Pat O'Neill is on a mission unlike any other. I mean, he really encompasses the writing and execution that this show likes to exemplify.

Pat, you've done it again. Congratulations. Thank you so much. We love you. This episode is brought to you by Shopify Talkspace and ZipRecruiter. Guys, how about one more time? Bad thoughts out now on Netflix, season two of one of the most unbelievably fucking compelling,

awkward, weird-ass, hilarious. various fucking shows ever. That was amazing, dude. Congrats, Tom. I mean, you're just absolutely crushing it with that show. I saw the promos, and I can't wait to watch it. It's out now by the time when this episode drops. So go watch it.

Season two, Bad Thoughts Out Now, and he's in Oxnard working on New Material July 7th and 8th. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut of Cheryl Underwood, ladies and gentlemen? I need a job tour. Go to Packrat Productions Inc.com. for tickets and be on the lookout. She is the first person ever in Netflix roast history to immediately get a special deal after the roast.

My special is out on June 9th, on Netflix. A man of the people, which is what I am. You know what I mean? I'm just a man of the people, often misunderstood. I'll tell you right now, there's a joke on there that is going to be in the news. So I'm gonna be the talk of everything. everything again. Oh boy.

So crazy. He did it again. This episode brought to you by Shop of I Talk Space and ZipRecruiter. One more time for the best damn band in all the land. Absolutely crushing all night long. Follow them on Instagram at the Kill Tony Band. Let's check in see what Ryan J. E. Belt drew tonight. Oh shit. Yep. There's a little bit

of everything on there. Cheryl Lunderwood. Tom Sagar. I see me. Red Band. And let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, Pat O'Neill. That's a good one. That is him, without a doubt. We are doing Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row, August 7th and 8th.

Yeah, and we are coming to maybe Vegas will be announced by now, but we're going to Vegas and Dallas and Houston. Red Band? I'm going to San Diego and bring you Pat O'Neill and Rachel Wolfson, American ComedyCo.com. We love you guys. God bless this show and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, everybody. Goodnight.