KILL TONY - KILL TONY #772 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

Joe Derosa, Tim Butterly, William Montgomery, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/28/2026 TalkSpace: Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://Talkspace.com/TONY Quo: Money is on the line. Always say hello with QUO. Try it for free & get 20% off your first 6 months at https://Quo.com/KILLTONY Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Redmond coming you live from the Texas Trucks

CU Theater here at Dallas, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Get off of Tony! It's good! Texas who's ready for the best fucking... This is his own Kill Tony band, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. Fernando Castillo, Raoul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa,

Michael Gonzalez, nachos Belgronde. Matt Mueling. That fucking dire straits. Gotta love it. The great John D's on the Keys. And right there next to him, that is indeed the one and only,

live in the flesh, D. Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. The fun we are going to have tonight, for those of you watching online, we made a nice little fucking few hour long road trips, stopped off. and Buckees, obviously, on the way.

We are here in our home state living the fucking American dream in beautiful Dallas, Texas tonight. Powerful Dallas. We're going to have a lot of fun. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors

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Unbelievable. Let's fucking go people. Right into it. Every single show I book personally myself. This one I said let's bring the fucking boys. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the best Guess and Kill Tony History, two of truly the funniest men on planet Earth today. These are your guests, Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterley. We're here. Plus 8,000 people. Feels like home. Feels like home.

I just did Butterley's podcast. Joe DeRosa has a new show on all things comedy. Everybody's bumping. How you guys feel? What do you feel about this crowd? This is a good fucking crowd. Holy shit. We're going to have some fun tonight.

I can't wait. What's up, Dallas? Whoa. We're going to have a hoot nanny tonight. As you guys know, as you guys know, two of the best guests in the show's history. This bucket is filled with local Dallas comedians. We'll see how that goes. They have a lot of great clubs here.

I do want to give a shout out. The great Randy Butler, the owner of all the hyenas comedy clubs is here tonight. That guy was headlining me in Dallas 15 years ago, before I probably even had an hour of material, and we never forget it. And we did, I think, fucking 12 or 18 kill tonies there before, way before we could ever dream of being in a venue like this. So shout out to Randy here in Dallas. He runs all the hyenas. Make sure you support your local comedians. If I pull one of these guys out, they get 60 seconds. Son interrupted you, you know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry. Wait, what's the gay part of Dallas? Oakland? All of it? Oak lock? Oak lock? Like a lock? Oak Long?

That makes sense. I could see how that would be. Wood? Longwood? I thought they were saying okra. Could have been anything. Oakra's big here in Dallas. Or else they bring out the crazy Oak Long Gay Bear.

There it is, just for you. That interrupts them. I conduct an interview. The whole thing is improvised. Really, there's never been anything done like it in the history of fucking show business where a crazy person in a parking lot can sign up and be on one of the biggest shows in the world. Anything can happen.

You guys know how it rocks. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show. These things are tricky, right? Because when you start a show like this out here in front of fucking 8,000 people in Dallas, Texas. You really want to get it started with a bang. So we're going to do that with one of our greatest regulars.

You've been watching him now. How many of you watch every single week? You've been watching him do about two minutes or more. Every single week for the last few months, he's a fucking sensation. He was once considered the dark storm of Atlanta. Here to start tonight's show is the dark storm of Austin. Texas to show you how stand-ups done. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

Guys, I feel so happy and free. I recently, through deep meditation, I ate an edible when I was sitting alone in an airport. I realized something that set me free, and I want to bring this to Dallas, and hopefully y'all can understand why I'm coming from. I recently decided that I'm done pretending like I've ever forgiven anybody for anything. I'm done with that, right? I'm sick. I lie. I never forgave you.

I still hate you as much as I did before. It's still on site. But now I get that energy back, and I want to bring up one of my recent new beats. My nephew, I took my nephew to go play Lasertag for his birthday. I bought him and all his friends. laser tag and it was like a 20 on 20 and it was like these other people out there

now mind you I want to say this nigga's on my team it's right before we go out and we run out he going to yell out Uncle Dedrick you can hide but you can't run that's messy and that's trashy and that's unbecoming don't bring my knees you know I just don't tell the I'm 35 I don't say disrespectful shit in front of company

nigga I didn't I didn't bring up the fact that your mama was orange in middle school. All right? I didn't say that. Oh, you know your mama's nickname jug. She was real fucking popular in middle and high school. Everybody knows orange jugs? Y'all probably had something out here.

How dare it is, but I don't want to talk too much. I don't want to do too many mama jokes because I know as a person I can't handle mama jokes. That's how I learn how to fight because you're not feeling as a Southern boy, don't ever talk about my mama. And I kept getting into fights and my mama sat me down and she said, Dedrick, why do you keep fighting? I said, Mama, they keep making fun of you.

And she said, what are they saying, baby? I said, they keep calling you fat. And she said, baby, I am fat. I was like, don't ever talk about my oh. You lucky you, my mama. I got a, I don't know if I should let it slide. It's a slippery slope. Thank y'all so much.

That's my time. I'm getting me. Deadred. Flat. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Adorable. Is your mom a little thick?

Not little. Don't you ever talk about you? I didn't get the orange. Why would the mom be orange? Because they had girls in the South. You just had them spray tans on doing the way, and it would turn their skin orange, and that's how you knew they was moving too fast when they was growing up.

And black women would do that? No, I grew up with everybody. Oh, okay. Yeah, but it's... Yeah, this ain't my direct... In the South, whoever you grow up with, like, next year, if that's your mama, like, we're siblings.

Like, so I got, like, white mama's Filipino, mama's tie, right? But they're all, like, redneck mama. You gotta, you gotta collect as many moms. I got it. See, that's why I was confused in the joke. I assume that your nephew was your nephew and that it was black,

and that when it said you can hide, but you can't run, that you wanted to say your mama was so, but I pictured a black woman in a spray tan. I'm like, That never happens. No. But it would be hilarious.

My black nephews would never say nothing like that. Because they don't know, I, because he found out, because I gun butted that nigger with the gun, the laser-tack gun, and then I went later that night and I ate all his toppings off his pizza. Oh. I'm gonna get my get back. I think if you're gonna have a white nephew and a joke,

you should mention that it's white. It's not. Wait, it's still not white? I'm so confused. He's white. The baby was white in that joke. Yeah, there was a white baby in there, but I didn't want to take... Because if you say white baby, people go somewhere else.

Well, yeah. Why would you have a white nephew? I got white nephew. I got all kinds of... I shop good for best friends, so, like, these... Like, they look good, so they meet good people. They make cute baby. I don't got no ugly nieces and nephews.

Except for that one nigger that talked about. my knees. I think that he's gonna get arrested soon, I hope. Now, the one N-word you're talking about, is he black? Or is he also white? Well, see, I call all of my nieces and nephews nigger because it starts with makes it more confusing. No, they know who I'm talking to. You ain't being young in a long time, Joe DeRosa. You wouldn't get in.

Yeah. Those niggas, nobody needs nor nephew. Hold on. I was just about to compliment you. I don't care. I was just going to compliment you. I want to compliment you on being the blackest person ever to wear a Lord of the Rings shirt. Oh, my goodness.

What's my life? More like Lord of the Wings. Come on. The chicken wings. Yeah. The back says legless. I thought it said legless for diabetes. Stole that ring.

Yeah. You got that from your AA meetings, Joe. It's like a... I'm... It's like if young dolphin Gandalf had a baby. I like that. That's a really good one. Yeah.

I can't get over this nigga and the Bucky's thing. Don't play no sound effects, white dad. What the fuck do you? You do have white people in your family. That's not blackface. You can't do that Bucky's uniform. I know you're trying to secretly say nigga as a beaver. And that's...

Beaver Nuggets. That's what he keep calling me. Got me young Beaver Nugget. What did make you wear a Lord of the Rings? Is that a jersey? I love, yeah. Well, also, I believe. Did you ask them when they're like, what color do you want?

You're like right here. Chocolate. I'll take arm color. Yeah, yeah. Can you make it look like someone painted a Lord of the Rings jersey on me? I want to paint it on. I just love you. If you don't like Lord of the Rings, I don't know how you don't.

Like that, it got everybody in there. They got everybody. I love Lord of the Rings. And Leggolus, I like him. I like, you know, with that slingshot, nigga, I'm just like, I'm just like Leggolus, just hitting

Balrogs in the face, gangster shit, you know, type shit. Tim Butterly. Roheim on God. Is there a Lord of the Rings character that black people fuck with especially? Yeah, pants be baggins. How about that one?

There you go. It's your Doritos joke about. the night. Pants be baggins. He's good. I don't care what anybody says. Anybody ever tells you

Tony's not funny? Show him that clip. Right there. Is there a black character? You really did set me up for that one. Is there a black character that the people fuck this and blow to the rain? Oh, he's getting defensive. That's supposed to be me?

I was helping to, I wasn't even trying to roll. But that's how you sounded when you said that shit to me. as my friend in front of these eight thousand strangers. Oh, that's how you're standing when you talk to me like a white boy? Like, did you, you like that? Yeah, that sound like soft Uncle Lazy. Do you like that?

Do you like that? Do they have a black Harry Potter, too? Yeah, they do. Scary Potter? They make it black, they make Professor Snape Black in the new one. I kept auditioning for it. The one bad guy. What?

Everyone drops out of the school. They hold their wands sideways. They do drive-bys on fucking broomsticks. All right, Dedrick, you got the show started. We got to get to this bucket. It has begun, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Kill Tony Dallas. That's Dedrick Flynn.

And now to the bucket we go. This is where everything gets very interesting. I can almost guarantee you none of these people have performed in front of a crowd this size before the pressure gets to them. anything can happen, or maybe they shine, anything can happen. Your first bucket pool, the night goes by the name of Hefe. One word name, Hefei, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Thank you. I went to Vegas to see my grandpa, who I hadn't seen in 10 years, and to describe him, he's been married

six times, and five of them were named Barbara, so we called his sixth wife, Barbara II. I'm rolling a blunt and my grandpa actually asked to hit it and I was like Grandpa I thought you only hit Barbarus so he takes a hit and he's quiet for like 25 minutes and then he turns and tells me three things he says Jeff I mean hefe I love pussy I love to taste it smell it wear it black white terrorist Asian I love it all. Second thing he told me was, and I don't know why he brought this up,

I didn't hate Obama because he was black. I hated him because he was Muslim. I was like, okay, what's, okay, what else? And he goes, I'm so proud of you. The man who raised you was a great father figure.

All right, Hefe. Over the time. Minute 18 seconds from Hefe. Hi, Hefe. Hey, uh, hey, uh, hey, uh, okay, cool. Hey. How long you've been doing stand-up? Dude, longer than that bullshit said.

Can I finish that real quick for you? You think it's going to help? I promise. Okay, finish it. I will leave. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't recommend it, but go ahead and finish it. All right.

So he says, the guy who raised you was great. When did your parents tell you you were adopted? And I grabbed that joint from him, and I hit it, and I was like, just fucking now. Okay. There you go. All right. Back to it. Oh, no.

No, see, you wouldn't have gotten that if you would have trusted me. They never learned. I've kind of been on, I've been on this show. You know what, you're right. I apologize. Shoot me out back. It's okay. All right, Hefe.

You don't need to go straight to suicide, even though clearly your barber decided to. Let's check in with Joe DeRosa. His name is Hefe? Yeah. I thought you said it was CAFE. It could be. I was like, he looks like the whole damn restaurant. What are you, Dedric's nephew?

I know. I know. I'm going to Dedrick's nephew. I did have a Lord of the Rings shirt, and I think some guy took it, too. So, okay. All right. That's another one of those wacky Hefe jokes, everybody. Hefe, how long have you been a bouncer at a hookah bar? What do you do for work, Hefe? I'm an artist first. Oh, what kind of artist? Anything, painting, graphic design. I run a printing business. It's pretty fun.

Do you make money doing art? Surprisingly, yes. How much money do you make doing art? Not enough to dress properly, so... Okay, but how do you make a living, Hefe? I own a printing business, it does good. Okay. Not enough to live here in Austin, though.

You're not in Austin right now. Boy, oh, boy. Oh, God, no. Oh, there it is. Hefe, do you live in Dallas? No, I live in the Tidia, Texas, Wichita Falls. Wichita Falls. Wow, more poos. Oh, my goodness.

Jesus Christ. This is incredible. Hefe, take it for me. These motherfuckers will boo you. If they knew my parents, they would understand, too. It's fine. Okay. Hefe, give them a redeeming quality about you that'll make them like you.

Tell Dallas why they might like you, Hefe. They shouldn't. It's cool. All right, there he goes. Hefe, everybody. Great. Great stuff, Hefe. Great stuff.

I tried my best with you, believe it or not. I mean, I really am an artist, dude. I believe you, pal. I believe you. He looks like a car. How long have you done stand-up? I'd say three years. You'd say three years?

Yeah, like seriously three. Okay. Again, is there anything about your life? Any fun facts about you? Do you have any special skills or talents? I'm an ex-Florida man. I mean, that probably, yeah. So you lived in Florida?

I did. But what does that mean? You were just born in Florida. You didn't do anything. I traveled around a lot. I was a military kid, and I got stuck in Florida because I made bad choices. You were a military kid, but you weren't in the

military? I was at one point. This sounds like stolen valor, F.A. I'm pretty sure it's our first ever live stolen valor. Well, I was in the military. I wouldn't say I was in the military, but I was in the military. What did you do, Hefei in the military? Finance. Oh, perfect.

Great. We all love how our military budgets have been going. I wasn't responsible that. I know, Hefe. Trust me. I know. I'm pretty sure that isn't the haircut they make you get when you're in charge of finance of the United States military. Joe DeRosa. Now I was just going to say, this is how I picture a financial expert dressed, glitter sandals and cargo shorts. Dorothy, 3,000.

Awesome. I like that you sunk all the wardrobe money into the shoes. Hefe, open up that pocket. I'm going to try to make this in that little. It's a very long shot. There goes, Hefe, ladies and gentlemen, flipping off the crowd and then telling us. flipping off the crowd and then telling them that they love it, that he loves them. Nothing better than the flip off, I love you.

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We're onto our second bucket pole. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Lawton Parnell. Lotton Parnell, everybody. So I'm broke. I live with a roommate. And thanks. I came home.

the other day and it sounded like my roommate and his girlfriend having sex. I was like, nice, I can jerk off to this, you know? Yeah. Turns out they weren't having sex and she was just crying. I was like, all right, I can jerk off to this. Yeah, I'm a sick fuck, guys. Sick fuck. It's sweet to be here, though.

I post on Facebook today I was coming up to do some stand-up. And my childhood babysitter, they comment, and they're like, well, and you do stand-up, that's so cool. when I was a kid, I don't want to do stand-up. I was like, no shit. When I was a kid, I want to fuck my babysitter. He's not my friend on Facebook anymore, guys. Final nail in that coffin.

Anybody know what I'm talking about? Anybody ever get so depressed tonight instead of brushing your teeth before you go to bed? You just reach into the fridge and grab a slice of ham. You're like, fuck it, that's good enough. All right, I'll take it. Yeah, that's where I'm at, guys. Fuck yeah.

Lawton Parnell with his Kill Tony debut. Lotton, how you doing? How long you've been doing stand-up? You're fucking hilarious. Hey, thanks, Tony. Like, 10 years or so? Fuck yeah. All of it here in Dallas?

No, not at all. I'm from West Virginia. Okay. What made you come here for this? Just for this. I flew in yesterday and came here and flying out tomorrow. Wow. You came in, signed up with everybody.

You could have just as easily not gotten pulled. Nothing could have happened. I can stay on Thursday if Red Band wants me on The Secret Show. Oh, shit. I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Look at that. Unbelievable. Lotton, stick around for a second. I got to know more about you, man.

Yeah, it's fun, thanks. You're born and raised in West Virginia? I wasn't born there, but yeah, pretty much raised. What do you do for work? I am a research, commercial real estate appraiser. Okay. Yeah, yeah, fun stuff, fun stuff. Hell yeah.

And you got a flight here? Was it Southwest? It was American, I guess. How was TSA? Yeah, go America. Hell yeah. Were the airports normal? Yeah, TSA at Pittsburgh was fine.

They did have some ice people, but they were just chill. Perfect. Hell yeah, to you. To you, their favorite customer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they see the meeting, like, no problem. Did they try to hand you a job application? I thought you said hand job at first.

I got really excited. That would be cool if they did that to pure American white people. It's like they did the reverse for true citizens. They're like, get over here. You fucking, squawking eagle, you. Who's a good American boy? I'd quit my appraiser job for that, for sure. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. Lawton, tell us more. What's the most West Virginia thing about you? You have like a dip of tobacco in your cheek that we don't know about right now? I just smoke six. I don't do tobacco. Nice. I just smoked six.

I had a job in college. I was installing people's security systems, so they sent me to random people's houses and install their security system. And one time I got proposition by this really big fat lady and a man named Robert E. Lee, it was his real name. Yeah, it was really cool. He said he was legally declared dead in the state of Maryland, so I was like, this guy's my man, you know?

And I started installing their security system and I noticed in their bathroom, I had a piss, and they had like a TV just running porn. Like non, it was just a porn TV. And yeah, yeah, you remember like those, and they, I asked, I didn't ask them, they were like, you saw our porn over right? I was like, yeah. And I asked, they were like, remember those like Cinemax when like they would just give you like a free, like a street? They said if they changed the channel, then they'd lose their porn subscription. So it was their bathroom porn TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one now too. Wow. I love that. Yeah, thanks. This is crazy. This is awesome. Thanks, guys. Yeah, of course.

Chodorosa. What's up, Joe? It's Lachlan? Lawton. Like the, I guess, a town in Oklahoma. I don't know. I want to compliment you, man, because you're hilarious, number one. Oh, yeah, appreciate it.

Number two, I really mean this, man. A lot of comics come on stage, dressed, like, stonery, like the way you're dressed right now, you know what I mean? And honestly, a lot of times because they just don't give a fuck. You're dressed, it matches your persona, it matches your humor. The whole character's there. I'm not saying you're playing a character, but you know what I'm saying. You're representing yourself visually and comedically, and the whole package is there, man.

You're doing it. I'll tell you. You're doing it, man. You do have a good look. It is like if one of the South Park kids smoked a lot of cigarettes. I do smoke cigarettes. I'm eyeballing Joe Six right now with American spirits. You're killing it, buddy.

Lotton Parnell. It's just about to get rid of him. Now you're going to have the poor kids smoking a cigarette. You're going to cause a fire hazard. Throw those back. There you go. Smoke that. There you go.

All right. You're funny, but not that fucking funny. Lott's in Parnell. You did the job. Everything was amazing. Absolutely incredible. Perfect bucket pool representing West Virginia here in Dallas. An incredible showing.

I have a comedian that's from Dallas, ladies and gentlemen, that is your next comedian. We dragged her up here with us from Austin, Texas, where she is considered one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I've had her open up for me in Dallas a few times over the last five years, someone that was a door guy at the mothership, and now is the full-time opener and feature act for Ari Maddie.

Ladies and gentlemen, she is Dallas's own Liz Splatt, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, when I was younger, my mom sent me to Fat Camp. Really sucks because, like, I've always been like this size. Like, I've always looked like this. So I'm not like fat camp fat, you know? I'm like, you know, these kids at fat camp, they're like, fucking, pfunk. Like fucking fat. They're like about to lose a foot fat.

And me, I'm like, I'm like fuck black guy's fat. I'm like a cool fat. I'm like a healthy fat. I'm a good fat. I'm like an avocado. So, you know, sending me to fat camp, it was kind of fucked up that she did that. It's like, it's like what the hell was that about? But then at the same time, sending a girl like, me to Fat Camp, like,

I'm kind of the hot bitch at Fat Camp, you know what I'm saying? Like, I was running that shit. I had all these chubby dudes on their fucking knees. They're like, oh, sugar-free Oreo for you, my petite princess. For you look, Mounted Nurse this evening. I think I gained weight at Fat Camp. Honestly, I was prison-rich. I had everything they wanted.

In prison, the Twinks rule. I was the Twinkie. Okay, that's my minute. Fuck yeah, Liz Flat. Hilarious. Hell yeah, Tony. The whole crowd was with you when you said that you are fuck a black guy fat.

That's just who I am at the end of the day. It is true. I'm really excited to be here. I'm excited to be back home. You are the first comedian of the night that is from Dallas, Texas. Tell these people what part of Dallas are you I'm from.

I'm from East Dallas, Lakewood. Oh, shit. Oh. I went to high school in Oak Cliff, bitch. I know you guys can't see the crowd, but a lot of poor, fat people are going wild, and the rich people are laughing. The rich people are laughing, so whatever part of the neighborhood that is, it's not so good. Well, I'm from both parts, the poor side and the, I said two sides, so. I grew up in the rich side and then I fucked guys from the poor side.

the poor side. That's kind of... Heck yeah. But Tony, I gotta be real. I'm here for one reason. I'm here for some real shit. I'm about to take somebody's job in this show. Oh, shit. I'm here to take some regular ship in this bitch. Oh, shit.

I'm here to take that fat busted bitch Heidi's job. Oh, shit. Get that. It's a cat versus a pig. I've never... But seriously, I... I will. Whoa.

I will. Whoa. What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? Oh my God. There's a whole ass there. She's not, she has an ass. You're just made of...

Wait a second. What's happening here? Oh shit. Oh, God. Oh, wow. What's happening? Oh, shit. What is happening?

Oh, no. Oh no. Just wiping poo on my god. Wow. Our black viewership just skyrocketed. Oh my god. You can hidey but you can't run. Wow.

Fuck this shit, I'm out! Wow, amazing. Liz Splat, obviously a future roller derby goddess. And how about one more time? for Heidi. That's the first time I've ever had a hard on fighting against itself. It is incredible. That is the opposite of whatever Viagra does.

I'll tell you that. Oh my God. That do anything for you? I'm pausing, man. I'm pausing, man. Dee Madden's like, I'm hard and I don't know why. What the hell is that? I didn't know there was a sea world.

know there was a sea world in Dallas. You guys having fun out there? Bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Marco Garcia, everyone. Marco Garcia, right out of the bucket. How we doing, Kiltoni? You all good?

Hell yeah. I'm bad with money. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. It's fucking on my Instagram. Like I'll be scrolling. It's like some girl dancing. Nice tits. Are you assuming 11, 10,000 dollars of credit card debt? How do they know? They've been talking to the people at Chase. I'm fucked. But this debt's not following me to Mexico. So I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be all right. I'm real bad with money. I'm so bad with money. I went to the therapist office the other day. Couldn't pay.

This bitch man in black meat. Pee-oo! She said, your parents don't love you, and she kicked me out of her office. But that is the way I came in, so that's fair. That's fair. I went to the bar. Couldn't pay. It took me to the back. They waterboarded me with pediolite. It was crazy, the lengths they'll go to to make sure you leave sober. Fuck it.

Go to my fentanyl dealer. All right. That's all your time, Marco Garcia. Welcome, Marco. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I just said two years. Three years? Two years. Yeah.

I love it. What do you do for work? I'm currently unemployed, but when I work, I'm a lifeguard. You're a lifeguard? What? Oh my God. I'm naturally buoyant. I'm a better lifeguard than these motherfuckers with abs.

No way, dude. You have the blood on your hands. Oh my God. You're the first lifeguard that makes the kids drown even more. Yeah. Hey kid Hold me Throw me that raft

Come in in Wow You are not built Like a lifeguard I've heard that I've heard that before I've heard that before

Wow Holy shit And how long have you What do you call What do your people call that A man torta Attached Yeah I know

I hate it Because people Like on the way here Some guy stopped me And he's like Wow You look like Maui And I was like

Like the Disney character, he was like, no, everybody on the island. That's, that fuck me up because that's the fattest island, man. That's fucked up. I didn't appreciate that. All right. He would be a great guy to watch running slow motion on the beach. Yeah. I'd be a heavy commercial, man.

A lot to take it. Yeah, I don't know. How long have you been lifeguarding for? This was my second year lifeguarding. Second year of lifeguarding. Yeah, yeah. Did you save anyone? Yeah, yeah.

Actually, I saved. only black people. Whoa. How many black people did you save? And can you do less of a job next time? I only save two. I work in the hood, so. Yeah, that's all I save, man.

What do you mean? You work? Like a black neighborhood? Yeah. So you're doing the hardest lifeguarding in the world. What fire hydrant do you lifeguard? They needed a lifeguard X-L, man. They got me.

They needed Lifeguard Plus, and they called me. Wow, this is incredible. Now, were any of them full-grown adults? Say it again? Were the blacks that you were saving from the waters? Full-grown adults, or were they children? The black people I saved. One of them was a black woman, full-grown adult,

but the other one was a child. Okay. Now, how close was the fully-grown woman to dying, do you think? She was fucking really close. Did you have to do mouth-to-mouth or anything? I didn't, obviously, I don't go down for that, but... Wait, what exactly? Exactly does that mean?

Is it like when a woman gets arrested and you have a female cop pat her down? Do you have like a black person that's just there to give mouth to mouth perhaps? No, somebody just got there first. Then I was like, ah, they got her. Okay. Yeah. But no, the lady, she came out to me? Wait a second.

Hold that thought. When you say someone else got there first, are you talking about the person that actually saved her? No, I'm talking to mouth to mouth. Fuck. What? So how did this go down? You're at a pool? I'm in a pool, and there's two sides to the pool.

And then at one point, I'm in the shallow end. Of course. No, no, fuck you. I go to the deep end, too, but at this point, I was in the shallow end. And she came up to me, and she was like, hey, if I go down the slide, you'll save me, right? And I'm like, I'm on the shallow end. The slide's on the deep end. Why would I?

That is my job, but if you can't swim, don't go. And then she went and asked the other lifeguard, the exact same thing. So how, but you, so you didn't save her? No, okay, so then she went. Every time you try to explain more how you saved her, it seems more and more like she's on the other end of a pool with the actual lifeguard that saves people's lives. She somehow got up the stairs and she went down the slide.

And when she started drowning, the other lifeguard went in and he whistled and I went in and we both got her out. And then he gave her mouth to mouth. Would you say it was exactly 50-50 you and the other lifeguard? I'd say three-fourths, three fits, maybe. Marco, give us another fun fact of your life. Pretty good. You said that one up.

You set that one up, man. That was not me. What else would we find interesting about your life, Marco? Are you from Dallas? Yeah, I'm born and raised right here in Dallas, O'Cliff. Yes, sir, that's my home. Oak Cliff. Looks like a poor part.

A couple, a couple ones. The ones in the really high raptors are from Dallas. Okay. I love it. Marco, anything else crazy? We should know about you before getting you out of here? I did comedy in a strip club once. Uh-huh.

And there wasn't any strippers. I was very disappointed. That's because you were there. No one wants to see me with my clothes. Let's not lie about that, man. All right, Marco. I think you talk a little fast. Maybe it's just how big this venue is.

You've got to slow it down a little bit so that people understand you. I didn't know what you were saying during the Instagram ad read thing. There's a medium-sized joke book for a very large man. Marco Garcia, everybody. Let's keep it moving right along.

here because I pulled what appears to be another Latino from Dallas's name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian everybody. It is Albert Moreno everyone. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Albert Moreno. Hey how the fuck y'all are doing it now? Y'all, you have any good night so far? So I grew up with the very religious family. Like any time that I would see a shooting star, my family would always tell me that it's someone being cast out of heaven. heaven. Yeah, you could have just lied. You know, I don't know what a child is supposed to do with that information. Like, you know, anytime the normal person would see a shooting star that would just

be like, that was beautiful, make a wish. Anytime that I would see a shooting star, I would just be like, damn, another priest. Yeah, I didn't grow up like, I'm very bad at being a Mexican. I don't speak a lot of Spanish, and I get called a white boy a lot by my family for that. I don't think that's the widest thing about me, though. I think the widest thing about me is that I go to therapy. Yeah, I know if I know this about Mexians, but they don't go to therapy. They go to church drunk. Like, if my grandma found out that I was going to therapy, should probably be like, oh my God, miho, I didn't know you're gay. Hell yeah. Albert Marino. Great stuff, Albert. How long have you been on stand-up? Two and a half years. Nice. All of it here in Dallas?

Mostly Fort Worth. I come from a small town. I'm from Mineral Wells. It's like, How small is it if the whole crowd goes wild? That town has only ever got a pop for crackheads, so I don't really know. That's our target audience. It's a very small town. It's like maybe 40 minutes west of Fort Worth. So my drive has always been like 40 minutes to an hour. So I've just always gone to Fort Worth.

Okay. Yeah. Like the hyenas there? Yeah, I started at hyenas. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. That's fucking fantastic.

What do you do for workout? I just got fired about a month ago. You got fired. Yeah. Would you get fired from? Hell yeah. I got fired from Amazon for speeding violations. Ooh.

In the truck, in the actual Amazon? The electric vans, yeah. Wow. Now, were you... I was new. Were you getting pulled over by the police? No, it's just... They have a diagnostics inside of their van,

so they know when you're speeding. So if you go over to speed limit for like three seconds, that's when you get flagged. Wow. Yeah. That's incredible. So I had been working at another job for 14 years, and I had moved to Fort Worth, so I was trying to find another job, and Amazon was a job I landed on.

So it was just a new job. So what are you going to do now? I got another job at Amazon. Oh. Yeah. So the one that I started at was further away. The one I'm at now was 10 minutes away. So my first day is Tuesday, actually.

Wow. Yeah. Look at that. Is it fake ID from fake ID? Is that how you're getting the same job from Amazon? Do you mean a green card? No, whatever. Albert, how legal is your family?

So most of my family's from Inner Wales. My grandma, they're all from Mexico, of course, but most of my family is from Minerwell's are... Do you live with them? No, not anymore. You have your own place? Yeah, I live with one of my best friends, yeah. And did they do comedy as well?

No, he's been around the open... Mike's, he's friends with all my buddies, but he doesn't do comedy. What does he do? He works for like a small company in Weatherford. They do, uh... You guys have a two-bedroom? It's a three-bedroom. What goes on in that other bedroom? I can't say personally here. It's a sex dungeon. It's an empty room. Okay. Yeah. And how many bathrooms? Two. All right. Yeah, yeah. We got, we got our own size of the house, you know, you don't hear me beating off or nothing. Right. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Absolutely incredible.

Joe DeRosa. Dude, I was very impressed. You said, you're two and a half years you said? Yeah. I was very impressed. You're funny, man. You're really fucking funny. I love you guys.

Y'all are awesome. And I really, I really appreciated that even when the meow happened, you didn't panic. You took your time. You finished the joke, man. Like, you got the rhythm. You know what you're doing, man. Thank you. Good shit, dude.

Really good shit. And when this comes out, you're going to get fired from that other Amazon. I know, I'm so fun. Fortunately. Really just aired all your dirty laundry on here. I'm going to enjoy those two weeks. What's another fun fact about Albert Marino that the world would find interesting? So my joke about my church is real.

It's not a very common thing. I was born and raised in like a Spanish doomsday church. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Spanish doomsday. So what could one expect to see at a Spanish doomsday church? Well, it was a very small congregation. To this day, it's like just two families. And like, my family still win it.

Oh, this sucks. This is a cult. They're like laughing at my family right now. My mom and dad are still winning, so it was very awkward for me. I didn't, I didn't leave my church until I was 23. Oh, wow. Yeah. And it was very hard because growing up, I felt like I was the outcast in my family because all my cousins were really into the church. And I was. And I was. And I didn't leave. until I was 23, and I took a lot of pride in staying in my church for so long. Yeah. Tim Butterley.

What was something that tipped you off that it was like maybe time to go? I listened to a podcast I shouldn't have heard, but I don't think my church has ever prepared for people to have podcasts, so. Right. You know, they weren't ready for the internet, basically. Neither was Bill Cosby. This is true, yeah. He never could have guessed that everybody would be interconnected and possibly talk about

something is insane. is what he did. Yeah. Wow, can you just give us one tidbit of what, like, made it a doomsday church? Like, what would a sermon be about? Okay, so, like, my church didn't have, like, that certain section for kids. There was never anything for kids. It was all about the end of the world, pretty much.

It was about what? The end of the world. Yes, the end of the world. Okay, so... And how do the Spanish think that the end of the world happens? What happens at the end of the world? Well, okay. Everything does every...

Is every food article and every car turned into the Virgin Mary or something like that? I think it was probably, they were just like, stay away from Minneapolis in 2000. Maybe they were right. Well, you know, I spent my whole life being warned about the end of the world. Like, I wish somebody had warned me about my uncle, you know. When did they say the end was coming? I think at the time, I left my church when I was 23, so that was about 10 years ago. 2017, 2018.

So the guy, he was our main preacher, he did Alive. So we watched him from Miner Wales. He's in Puerto Rico. Everyone that listens to my church listens to it live. Do you see where I'm going with this? The leader of the Doomsday Church is in Puerto Rico. Well, there you go.

Yeah. Looks like I was right about that one. Albert Moreno, great. set, great interview, very compelling, very funny. I love that you got out of the church and you're living your dreams, buddy. There he goes, the very funny Albert Moreno. Hey, we have another fun guy from Dallas, Texas, who's part of our crew and has been for years. He won a golden ticket, I think, six or seven years ago here at a hyenas comedy club in Dallas, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for part of the Kill Tony production crew and a comedian out of Austin, Texas.

This is Colt McNeely from Dallas, Texas, everybody. My God, how are you guys? It's so good to be here. Oh, yeah. My name, as he said, is Colt. It's actually Colton. Yeah. In my mid-20s, I shorten it up, you know, a little bit easier to say.

I think when I'm an old man, I'm just going to go by, thank you. You know, I like movies. You know, I saw that movie, Holes was shot. Shaila Buff and I, uh, thank you. I saw their remaking it. It's gonna have an all female cast. What's up with that?

It's crazy. It's true. What are they gonna call it? Even better holes? I mean, ah, man, I love the news. The blacks and the gays, they don't get along. It's not my opinion, it's just what they say, you know? I get it though, you know. Imagine having both dads walk out on you.

Thank you guys so much. Colton McNeely. Dallas, Texas. What part of Dallas are you from? Tell these people. Oh, I'm from Allen, Texas. Let's go. All right.

Churning the butter over there. I am, man. I'm happy to be here, Tony. Yes. My brother's here. Okay. All right. Okay.

Oh, man, Tony. It's been crazy. Yeah, tell us about it, Cole. My buddy's dad just had a stroke. Uh-huh. I know. He was telling me about it's really sad, right? Uh-huh.

Yeah, he said he had to spend all day at the Stroke Center, and I was like, that sounds like a great time. What's next to the reverse gorilla grip center? Count me in, you know? Oh, you're just on fire right now. I'm happy to be here. Goodness, what else is going on? Oh, man, you know, I've been looking at all these first ladies

these presidents have, you know? Uh-huh, yeah, what about them? You know, Melania Trump's our first lady, and I was looking at all the old first ladies, and I think Melania might be the first lady. You guys thought about that? That is a good point. Dallas, Texas!

I got to tell you, Tony. I got to tell you, Tony. Oh, what do you got to tell me now? I got to tell you, Tony. You know, we live in Austin, Texas. Yes. But my home is Dallas, Texas. Oh, wow.

Look at that. Way to get the crowd that you already had on your side, back on your side. This is my people. Oh, my goodness. What are you? The doomsday preacher? Jesus. Yes, oh, shit. Incredible. Didn't Heidi bring you out here to clean up the spill earlier? Was that you? You little mopstick? All right.

What else is going on, Cole? Oh, not much, Tony, you know? Just been... You ran out of things that you got to tell me. Oh, I told you everything I had to tell you. Tony, I got to tell you. I got to tell you, Tony. Oh, man, Tony, I do have to tell you. We just started selling these kill-tony fingerboards on the website. No one cares about the fingerboards. Yes, they do. Dallas, Texas.

Oh, my goodness. All right, Colt. Anything else? Do you have any tricks up your sleep for a fun fact? I don't know if you guys have been watching the show long enough, but Colt is one of the greatest yo-yoers in the world. And he also famously is one of the youngest ever. What is it?

Kung Fu, Taekwondo, Black Belt. Oh, man, I'm a fourth-degree black belt in Ta-O-Yoh. But I do gotta tell you, Tony. I've been working with you for like six years now. Met at Haina's Comedy Club. And I haven't been kicking since I've been working for you, so I can't kick, but goddamn I can yo-yo. All right, do a little yo-yoing for us, Col.

I don't know if they want to even see it. Give me some yo-yo music, John. You're not fucking screaming. Oh, yeah. Oh, we've hit a new low, ladies and gentlemen. Should I write when you think? I love it. This is the part where you have to explain to your girlfriend, the show that you brought her to, everyone.

No, I swear it's cool. It's funny. Honey, it's like a tampon. That's amazing. Wow, Colt. Dallas Tech. Come on. Tony, thank you so much for having me.

My guy. There he goes, Colt McNeely. Back to put a headset on and continue working. He actually works for the show. Fun fact, he is the guy that takes the piece of paper, wrangles the person, and brings them to the back of the side. stage. That's cold from Dallas, Texas. Which, you know what? I want to give a shout out real quick.

We have a friend visiting. The son of the late great Chuck Norris is here somewhere. Can we make some fucking noise for Texas Zone? Chuck Norris. He's out here somewhere, enjoying himself, trying to take his mind off it. Your dad was the fucking man. How about, how loud can this place get for Chuck Norris? He's out here somewhere. All right, back to the show, we go.

And back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Ashley Ann Knox, everybody. Ashley Ann Knox. I look like it, I'm sure. I do have historically terrible taste in men. Like, my dating history looks a lot like the foreplay probably should have came with a background check. Don't laugh.

I am painfully attracted to men that look like they need a caseworker. Or have one already. So needless to say, I am a single mom. Yeah, take note, gentlemen. My son just turned 14 recently, and he's hit the whole puberty stage. He started to talk to me like, I ruined his credit score. Like, I used to rock this giant man child back and forth to go to sleep, and now I just rock back and forth after reading his Google search history.

He started talking to girls too recently. Yeah, hell yeah So needless to say I did have to put the I had to put the bark notifications on his phone I'm sorry You gotta do it Somebody's got to check their phones

I had to do it Ashley Ann Knox You got me I did not make it through that shit It's okay though Ashley welcome to the show How are you? I'm just looking around at the

I mean I'm sitting inside And I kept looking around going Please don't call me Holy shit This is a lot of people This is awesome Good for you Hell yeah

Fuck yeah. All right. Thanks, Mom. Yes, welcome. It's mommy, thank you. Do you dress like this around your son's friends? So, funny story, the other day I was having lunch with him and a friend, and he goes, Mom, you're bad, and I said, what do you mean?

He said, I mean, you can Google it, and I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, no, like my heart to my stomach. He meant baddie, like I was hot and his friends. Yeah, your son said you're fuckable. I was like, ew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. It's a real weird thing for your son to say.

All of my bad choices went and flashed before my eyes, though. That's all I know. Is there anything out? Wouldn't you say that you got scared? What could he possibly have found? Pictures, maybe? Is that what you've done? Don't have an only fans.

Calm down. Maybe after this. Okay. Ashley Ann, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? They're booing no only fans. Okay. Stick with me.

Ashley, don't pay attention to them. I'm used to them. You were definitely not. Stick with me over here. I got you. What do you do for work? I own an entertainment company, so I host karaoke and open my comedy all over DFW. Oh my goodness. What did you do before that? Oh, I was in sales, so I did strategic stuff. What did you do before that? Sold magazines, door to door. What did you do before that? Sold magazines, store to door. It's all I've ever done. Really? All I've ever done is sell since I was 14. That's it? Yeah, my dad had me out there knocking doors practicing for my own Amber Alert. It was wild. Okay. How many kids do you have?

Two. How old are they? One will be 15 and one is about to be nine. Okay, you still with the baby daddy? No. No. So what do you... I'm not going to talk about him either.

Last time I talked about him. You were on the show before? I was, yeah. Oh, shit, you thought I would have remembered an unfunny set of tits. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what? You wore a hoodie last time. Yeah.

Oh, that'll do it. I covered him. Now I remember you. That was the problem, yeah. DeRosa. No, I was just going to say, before we get too far away from your son, where do you think your son got the idea to look up giant fake-tended women on the other? Oh, you're so now.

I don't know. What do you think? Put that in his head. He's been Googling weird shit like that since he was seven, okay? This kid is heavily advanced. You would be, too, if you were drinking heavy whipping cream right from the womb. I mean, look at those. I mean, holy shit.

I mean, Ashley, I mean, at least you have those, right? You know, I paid a lot of money for them, so... Really? How much did you pay? Ten grand. Oh, my goodness. Each? Worth it. It's my favorite thing I ever bought myself. Are they gumby? Or are gummy? Oh, yeah, they're totally gummy.

No, gummy. He's asking if they're gummy or if they're... I said gummy. Okay. Gummy. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I see you. Are you talking about the blow jobs or tits? No, the tits. Ah, good. All right, Ashley.

So give us an example, like the last day. you went on. The last date, the last day, I don't really date. I've been in a relationship. You know what? Oh, you're in a relationship. I was in a relationship. I'm recently unengaged, which is funny, because you actually, you foreshadowed this, actually.

Oh, I totally did. The last time I saw you, you were like, your fiancé is going to cheat on you and leave you. And I was like, wow, you're being kind of a bitch. But it turns out you're actually a witch. Wow. You were dead on balls accurate. Yeah. It's okay. I wonder what made me say that at the time.

But you don't have a guy now. Uh-uh. Wow. So what do you do for fun? What do you drag in front of this poor 15 and 9-year-old? I host like four shows a week of karaoke and comedy open mic. So I, like, am super busy, and I'm producing a competition statewide for stand-up comedy, too. Is that Go?

Go? Code? I can't quite understand what they're chanting, butterly. Are they saying dump? Jump? You guys want her to jump? Ashley Ann Knox says that she knows how to throw a real karaoke party. Oh, yeah, I'm more of a singer than a comedian, let's be real.

How many you want to see her jump right now, huh? Jumping jacks. Ten jumping jacks, count them. Three, four. Oh, Dorosa, don't make a face like you're not loving this. Look over there, you fucking homo. My knees can only... She's going to find this clip in her son's Google history later.

There is a strong chance of that. Ashley Ann... My knees can't handle that, though. I'm only 34, but they're menopausal. You're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. I know, it's better than last one. If you want, I'll make it in your cleavage from here. Just stay there.

Don't move. I'm off. I was off on that one. Little sticky hands, sorry. You can't win them all. Thank you, Tony. Sticky hand. You guys know what that's like.

You've been to a Texas Rangers game. Sometimes the balls can't always go where you want them to. Yes, that was an insult. You guys having fun still? We got another bucket tool. Make some noise for Scott Ramos, everybody. Scott Ramos. What's going on, guys?

My name's Scott. I am a terrible person to work with. Like if you want to get shit done, stay away from me But if you want to have fun, I got you Like, have you ever gotten in trouble at work for some shit? But it's not the worst you've done So when you get called out for it, you almost feel offended and rat on yourself My boss is like, Scott, you've been coming in late

I'm like, bitch, I've been stealing money I'm just drugger at work for FedEx Yes, I do still y'all shit, my family thanks you It was weird, I go to the supermarket and people give me way too much respect. One guy thanked me for my service. And I didn't know how to respond. So I was like, yes, sir, I did two tours in Dallas.

We did a tour of Arlington. We lost a lot of good men that year. I like smoking weed. Done. Ooh, look at that. What up, my boy? Hi, Scott Ramos. How are you? What up, Tony Hinchcliff?

Hello again. No, first time, brother. No, fuck you. I'm wearing my fucking hat. Wait, what? Somebody yells, take off your hat. Wow. Take off your wife's top.

Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Someone just got themselves a new TikTok clip, everybody. All right, Scott Ramos. Stick with me here. How long have you been doing stand-up? I mean, it's been like eight to ten years, but I'd take like six.

I'd be bullshitting. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. Why you be bullshitting? Y-U-B. May I ask you why you be bullshit? T-H. Drugs are fun.

Wow. T-H-Y-U-B. drugs are fun I'm sorry What kind of drugs are we talking about? No, we're good No? Yeah, we good Alright, so crack

See, now that I went extreme Now you want to dial it back Fuck it, I do crack You do crack? Now I do Really? No, I don't know Oh, okay, so what do you do?

You don't look like you've done cocaine once in your life You look like you've done cane sugar You should have saw me in the parking lot, bro We've been having fun. We've been having fun. We be having fun. Yes. We be having fun.

Okay. So, Scott, what do you do for work? I don't know if I should do that. Oh, boy. You're a hell of an interview so far, Scott. You don't want to tell us what you do, what drugs you do? I got in trouble. I fell.

I'm like doing a... So spectrum. Okay, perfect. You work for a cable company. My legs all band. I fell through a hole, so it's like a workers' comp injury. Okay. Yeah.

So you're not supposed to be like walking around in public? No, no. What the fuck are you talking? Jesus Christ. It just happened Tuesday. I got 34 stitches. Whoa. Right.

What happened? I mean, you fell into a hole? Yeah, I was loading shit on a truck and I fell. Okay. You guys want him to jump? This is a Dallas thing. This is very exciting. Can you do 10 jumping jacks for us?

Yo. How many you want to see him do 10 jumping jacks right now? Uno, two, three, quateros. This is going to fuck up my bag. No. That's all I know. Sees. This is going to fuck up the bag.

Siette. Ocho, nine. Hey. Oh, shit. Not happening. Oh, look at that. Full heel turn. Gay.

Wow. So, raise the remote shirt. Fuck them. Wow. Have you ever snitched on anyone? Is that why you think you have 34 stitches right now? You consider yourself somewhat of a tattled tail? You can close the cage behind me. I ain't talking. Okay. Wow.

I ain't a snitch. Okay. She's over here telling me jump? No, I'm not going to fucking jump. These people want you to jump, Scott. I mean, it's, it's, the decision is unanimous. There's a funny thing in Dallas. They want you to fucking jump.

You keep showing them a pink. You want me to show it? I mean, that's a pink ace. I'll throw it. You look like... This better be gnarly. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, he is pulling out his wound.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Jump. All of you. The funny thing is. That thing looks like it needs ice and the wound looks bad too. Nice.

That was good. That was solid. The stitches are the best part of that leg. Oh my goodness. Did you blow a dude? What? Did a dude blow you? Did a dude blow me?

Yeah. Today? No. No. I got a train that blew you. I'm sorry. Hey, calm down. It's yes, by the way.

Thank you. She was a wonderful woman. She, I don't. identified as a woman, and that's what makes the difference. It's enough for me. Meanwhile, he wouldn't even look at the tits bouncing earlier. I can't believe this is happening. We're degrading this woman that had no talent on the show

and has their tits out while talking about our kids. The dude that blew real her tits and that checked in. All right. Scott Ramos. You were leaving here with a medium-sized joke book, my friend. Congratulations. I know people. Guys, thank you.

There he goes. Scott Ramos. Coming back in for Daps. Oh my goodness, it's a security infringement. This is it. We're all going to die. Tony got fucking Charlie in Dallas. Here's the great Heidi and it's all liquored up.

We're having a good old time. You guys want 10 jumping jacks from Val? Val. Oh, the shoes make it hard. Oh, my goodness. Sweet thing. I could pee on them. Come on. Get up there. Get right up there. Yeah. This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. Stitches after watching that. Back to comedy, we go. Ladies and gentlemen, we have yet another member of our unbelievable crew. It's a very small crew, believe it or not, that this entire machine operates

off of. But yet another one of them are born and raised in motherfucking Dallas, Texas. seen her on this show multiple times, here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for the great aia, everybody. It's the return of I. I went on a walk with my little cousin the other day, and he confessed to me that he thought that gay people were a waste of sperm. And that really shocked me. I didn't believe him at first.

I thought he meant that gay people waste a lot of sperm, because they do. gay people waste so much sperm it's kind of all that they do with it and I'm not wasteful I recycle recycling

is recycling feels like you're deciding your trash gets to go to heaven instead of hell and sometimes that's too much pressure so I'll just litter fuck it purgatory Um, I, um, you know, gay people I think are real, but I'm skeptical of lesbians.

Just because they play with like dildos and stuff. And I feel like if you were really a lesbian, you would have like a pocket pussy. I love it. Dallas's own I. Ladies and gentlemen, huh? Yeah. Fucking awesome. Hey, Tony.

Hello. Hi, Tim. Hi, Joe. Hi, Red Band. Hey, I. Great job. Thank you, Tim. Really good.

Thank you, Joe. Yeah, really great. You're Arab, aren't you? I'm sorry? You're Arab, right? I am. Me too. Really?

What kind? I'm Moroccan. Oh, really? Yeah, 100%. That's awesome. He was Moroccan his dick in a tranny's mouth. Oh, I like.

The dog's out of the bag, if you will. What happens in Egypt stays in Egypt. I thought that happened to you in Vegas. You what? I thought that happened to you in Vegas. Yes. Oh, okay. You did not stay in Vegas.

Yeah. But, Joe, you're Egyptian, right? I am Egyptian, mostly. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't exploit it, so I get nothing out of it. Right. Yeah, I just walk around like a dumb woman. white and getting me nowhere this career. I always knew you were Egyptian because any time you would leave the men's room, your dick, Sphinx. Because you were banging trannies in the ass.

Yeah? Go out, Tony. Sphinx instead of stinks. Anybody? Everybody. Finally, someone gayer than me on this show. Tony, gay. Someone that's actually kind of gay. But speaking to which,

Tony had a fruit platter in his green room, but he didn't eat any, because would have been cannibalism. Joe had sausage in his greener. Her name was Leslie. We're having fun here. This feels like home. I love it.

I love it. You are so always, you are just really you. You are, for those of you that might be wondering, you know, some of these people, you know, they kind of like amp up and do a character-ish thing or like, do a, you know, like, for example. Being retarded. Yeah, exactly.

Like, for example, Colt, who I, you know, we work with all the time, he's never really like, hey, Tony, I got to tell you, I got to tell you. But Aya is always like this. She's always sweet and real and just herself. Very nice, polite. And then there's this amazing, amazing stand-up that you do that is so smart. Like, I've never thought of that fucking pocket pussy thing. I thought my brain had kind of covered everything with lesbians and dildos and all of them.

They should have one like that they eat for the love of the game, right? I want to be the very best lesbian. I have a couple in my car if you want one of them. Okay, cool. Red man. No, she's not jumping, you fucking animals. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm not going to jump. I'm not going to make you jump.

You're too special for that. Are you going to ask me where I'm from? Where are you from? I'm from Garland, Texas. Oh, my goodness. All the Mexicans. Goddamn neighborhoods does Dallas have? It has a lot.

That's the 17 fucking neighborhood that somebody said. Yeah. Yeah. Dallas and Houston are two of the weird. They're like their own fucking states. It's very bizarre. That is bizarre. What's Garland?

Ireland known for? So. Oh, the place is in a ruckus. Okay, so. A bunch of homoes. David Koresh went to my high school. Wow. Main drop.

Mm-hmm. Not to brag or anything. Wow. In the end, you both ended up burning down the house. It's incredible. Oh, okay. It's like a good thing. You had a good set.

I thought you were being racist for a second. Didn't Koresh burned down? Yeah, his house burned down. Yeah. They burned it down. I think I have the thing, right? Nobody's reacting. Okay.

Anya, anything else crazy we should talk about before getting you back? Okay, I had a question for Dee Madness, actually. Ooh, very exciting. I love this. Okay, he did. Hey, Dee. We have a mic for Dee. Do you watch porn?

Ooh, good question. Dee, I have a follow-up question, unless you do, I, uh... You go for it. Now, do you tend to have a preference between like black women and white women or lesbians or, you know, anything like that? Do you have like a preference? Unbelievable answer. Their voices, though, like black voice or? Amazing.

Is there like a volume that you're into? Is there a volume you're into? Volume. Like spatial audio. Like, do you want it loud or quiet? Oh, perfect. That's how I like my steak. I can't believe there's no preference between black or white.

Audio-wise, I think black porn's a lot. It's got a lot more humor in it. Oh, hell now. You ain't putting it there ya. That thing can't even fit back there. Hey. Asian pussy. Wait a minute, that sounds like a black woman.

That's right. Oh, okay. That's what I was doing. I wasn't expecting that from you. I don't know if you know anything about D, but if a dude talks during his porn, he has to start all over again. This guy is the known resident homophob on the show.

Normally he takes one of his pee breaks when anyone's being slightly gay. The fact that he found out DeRosa got sucked off by a tranny and last year's Skankfest means that he's never going to be able to look Joe directly in the eyes again. He never did before, so. How about a hand for the great D-Bend?

Madness, everybody. And Aya, you're a saint. So much fun. One of the best fucking... I just love it. The energy around Aya, she's definitely going to be doing this for the rest of her life.

That's a fucking little starlet you're seeing right there. You get to watch people grow here on Kiltoni in real time. Normally you don't find out about these people till they're 15 years into their career, 10, 15, 20 years. Only on this show do you get to watch

people start, get better. go through it, maybe, you know, have a tough set, get great again. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool's name is Tomek Kolecki. That sounds familiar. Hello Dallas and hello America. Hi. I'm Tomek Koeckoetsky. I'm from Poland. I just arrived to this country one week ago. So I have very strong accent and because of this accent, it's hard to get pussy in America, you know? Because we don't have sexy accent.

Italian people, sexy accent, French people, Ula-l-Lua, I want to see you pussy. Polish people, we sound like Borat. It's hard to be sexy borat, you know? With this accent, my best pickup line is very nice, how much? And it works, only on prostitute, but works? Works, yeah.

I need to work on my accent, though. I need to, because I want to trick Latinas into believing that I can give them green card. So... What else? If you don't know where Poland is, I don't blame you. We don't have oil, right?

You all know where Venezuela is, right? Don't worry. In Poland, we call with America, because we are not that important, you know. For you to understand how less Poland means in Europe, we are white people without white privilege. It's like being a black guy with short dick. the dick. Thank you very much. Thank you. Tomek-lecky. Thank you. Thank you guys.

Hell yeah. Tomek is back. Yeah, I'm back, baby. Another fun set. How'd you end up here in Dallas? We know you're originally from Poland and we met you in Austin, Texas. Yeah. But how'd you end up here? I've been in Austin last year for three months. Then I went back to Poland and I just arrived to America a week ago. Yeah. A week ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you drove here from Austin for this? I'm mostly stay in Austin, but of course I need to come for this, right? Give myself, yeah. Is there anything about Dallas that you've fallen in love with since you've been here? It's a nice city.

I'm from Poland. Every city in America is nice. Yeah, absolutely. It's nice. And I can feel energy in Dallas because I'm a supporter of Poland football national team, like soccer national team. So I understand your pain in Dallas because you support Dallas. because you support Dallas Cowboys,

so I understand disappointment. Just take note that even people that live in small countries, literally on the other side of the planet, that don't really know how football works, make fun of you.

They all make... Oh, Dalai Cowboy. I understand how terrible. It is so bad, our soccer team is so bad they like a Dallas Cowboy. Oh, there's some people that are pissed. Oh, my goodness. Oh, there's this one lady looking at me so angry right now.

I understand disappointment, you know. This one lady looks like she's going to pull a pocket pussy out of her mouth and start eating it just for the love of the game. Yeah. Oh. No, not that one, the one behind. She knows which one. Okay, Joe DeRosa. No, I'm just, dude, honestly, man, I'm so impressed when somebody from another country comes to the state.

and does well. For you to come from Poland and kill, like, it's so impressive to me. Because I've traveled with stand-up. I've been to China, Amsterdam, Iceland. I bomb my fucking ass off when I go to other countries. For you to come in from Poland,

spur the moment and smash like that. It's fucking really impressive. Thank you. I appreciate it. It's really impressive, man. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm a little of Spanish. Whoa!

Whoa! Some Polish chorizo. Amazing. Where'd you learn to speak Spanish? Why did you learn to speak Spanish? Are they invading Poland, too? In Poland it's mandatory to learn two separate languages, and everybody learn English, another one you can choose.

I'm not going to learn German because Polish people have PTSD from German. So you just hear, schise! I cannot do this, you know. Spanish is easier, you know? Spanish is nice, like, ooh, l'alai. Okay. All right.

You ever been with a Latino woman before? No, not yet. Oh my goodness. Have you ever kissed a Latino woman before? Not yet. Is there a Latina woman out there in the audience, can we get some house lights up here for a second? It means some house lights.

Is there a Latino woman that wants to make Kill Tony history and a Polish boy's dream come true? Stand up if there's a decent Latina woman. Is that a Latino woman right there? Come on up, sweetheart. This is how the magic happens. Only here. Only in the Kill Tony universe, everyone.

Throw her up here. We're going to have this. We're going to have one of the bad guys from Indiana Jones throw you up here, this security guy here. The fuck. Oh, my goodness. Look at this. I just need to...

Your first Latinae. Tina Kiss. Make it a good one. Just one second. Oh, Jesus Christ. Comek. This is why we threw you guys on the trains in World War II. Just go with the flow, dude.

What are you, you're ruining the momentum. I have beautiful girlfriend in Poland. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Can I give you a like... Oh, my God. Tomek. Sorry, Tomek.

I love my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend. Sorry for them. No, no, no, no, no, no, Tomac. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Tomek, look over here, you stupid bastard, look over here. I know, but... Tomek, you really think your girlfriend wouldn't get it

if you kissed a girl on the show. Yeah, she would be mad? Yeah. Oh, well, you're in trouble no matter what. Tim Butterly. Tombeck, you're making the right call. No, nobody wants that, so... Oh, he blew it.

No. You know, Tony, I'll kiss this girl. I can... I can kiss Red Van, no problem. I can kiss Red Van no world. How about Joe De Rosa? Will you kiss Joe DeRosa, Tomah? Hell yeah.

Let's throw a wig on him. Oh, he's dead. Suck his fucking dick, dude. All right, all right. Go on to get a kiss in the cheek. Let's go, everybody. Who don't want to the kiss on the cheek? Shut the fuck out, Tomac.

You son of a bitch, Joderos. I'm sorry. You sound like, by the way, dude, You sound like the kid in high school that lies. I got a super hot girlfriend. She lives in Poland. She's spoken hot, I swear to God. Have you so...

Polish girls are beautiful, you know? Polish girls are... Polish guys are beautiful, but dumb as shit. I feel bad letting this poor Latina woman up here without a kiss. Michael Gonzalez, have you ever kissed a Latina woman before? Oh, my God. I mean, I'm just trying to...

to make showbiz magic happen here. It's a live show. Anything can happen. All these other late night hosts have producers and writers and everything's decided. Michael Gonzalez, show this woman out of kiss, will you?

Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, shit. I think she might be pregnant now. That's incredible. Wow. Thank you. Oh, my goodness gracious. Again, the bad guy from Indiana Jones

on the Temple of Doom is going to let you down. Oloom Shibad. Olob Shibad. You have herpes now, by the way. Oh, wow. Red band. Throwing in a little fucking pepper on the soup.

All right. So, Meg, another great set. Next time just fucking kiss the girl. It's showbiz, dude. This ain't Poland. This is where big, big, big things are made. And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, right? Whoa.

Thank you. Polish people, not the smartest. You know what I made? There he goes. He's going to go draw pictures in that book. I love that his girlfriend was okay with him going, I'm going to spend five grand to throw my name into a bucket, but not with kissing a chick.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't believe you would fucking kiss that girl on a show where the whole fucking crowd wanted you to. Can you imagine going back to Poland? Age kiss, at least. with it. All right. We have another one word name. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise here next bucket pool. Oh, DeRosa's got to go jerk off. Makes some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Gil. Gill is next on Kill Tony.

The first time that I ever got in the crowd like this is going to be like this. This is fucking crazy. But I'm about to pull out William Montgomery because I can't remember shit right now. But the, you know, back a long time ago, there was the Pope. It was Pope Gregory, and he hated cats. He hated him so bad he wanted him all killed. And that's the first time I ever heard about the Pope killing some pussy. Oh. Yeah. You know, if you commit incest more than once, is it recess?

I was kind of asking for my cousin, but, you know, fuck it. When I was a kid, I used to think that you got gonorrhea. It's how you got rid of diarrhea. Fucking. All right, there was a crock, a doll, and there was the alligator. All right, I want you to keep going, Gil, because it took you a while to get started. Now you got momentum. I want to hear more of these jokes.

Start that one over again. Okay. Let's go, Gil. Okay, there's this crocodile, and he was fucking this alligator. And right when he got done, he said, I'm Cayman. Yeah, you know, my... My girlfriend, she won't have sex with me because she said I look like the Lorax. I'm so broke.

My goddamn EBT, my goddamn internet provider is chat EBT. I'm not for gender affirming surgeries, but I am for all furries to be spated and neutered. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I've never seen a set where it gets more blatantly better as he goes than this one. You know, I'm at the first 30 seconds talking about how crazy life is that you're here, and then you just started... Fuck.

I mean, I've done this about 10 times, you know, and nothing like in front of 10 people, you know what I mean? I love it. I love it. Incredible. But yeah, but anyway, I was going to get back to the furries, you know. I've talked shit about the furries and all, you know, and I want to live next door to me. And she's like, she comes up, she flirts with me, she gets on the fence, and she goes back and forth, and she rubs my leg every now and then. And I told my girlfriend, if she don't quit, I'm going to fuck that bitch.

You know. This is so cool. So you've only done stand-up about ten times. About ten times. About ten times. This is an honor for me. Hey, man, you do the shit, man. Whoa, look at that.

That's a legit kiltony tattoo. So nice to meet Stone Cold Steve Dallas. Oh, yeah, brother. I'm not even from Dallas. No, I know, I know. A joke works, though, because we're here. Where are you from? I'm from Atlanta, but I live in Panama City Beach right now.

Okay, I should have known by the fucking handlebar Hulk Hogan mustache. Look at that thing. What do you do for work? Are you a bouncer at a vape store? What is it? Yeah, exactly. I wish. I wish. And I'm unemployed right now.

Okay. What did you do before that? I was an electrician. Electrician, and then I moved to Panama City to chase my dream of comedy. What made you move to Panama City? city to do that. Well, I already had a place there. I got divorced and I already had a place there and I had nowhere to live in Atlanta, so I just quit my job there and said, fuck it. I heard the girls are pretty there, Tony. Oh, is that what you heard? Yeah, they are. Okay. All right.

I'm already, I already got a girl, but there is some hot ones there, you know. Okay. So where this new girl? How long you've been with her? Well, actually, I've been with her all my life, you know, but we got separated, you know. Okay. She's my first girlfriend when I was like 14 and then She had six kids. She had six kids? Yeah. How many kids did you have? One.

You add one. Yeah. And how long ago did you get divorced? A year ago. And then when did you start banging this chick again? A year and a half ago. Oh, okay. Now I see the timeline works out.

I see why you got divorced. Yeah. Absolutely perfect. Definitely. Hell yeah. If you see my ex-wife, you really know. I bet. You might be the perfect stepdad.

Dang. Every detail about you from head to toe is idealized. Thank you. And I appreciate that. I think that's a compliment. Totally. Absolutely incredible. What do you look like with the sunglasses up?

You look cool as fuck with him down. Oh, shit. Crossite. I'm not cross-s. No, we know. Red band's the alcohol is really hitting Red Band. He mixes Red Bull and vodka. So he gets more energy and more stupid as the night goes.

on. It's an incredible thing. Perfect for podcasting. Yeah. Anyway. Yes, sir. Yeah, it's incredible. How old's your kid? He's 18. Wow. So you're close to being the world's coolest grandpa. Female? No, he's a male.

You know. Okay. Red Band. Fucking play some funny sounds or something. He's a male. Totally destroying this interview. We have no momentum right now. Shut the fuck up. All right. Tell us something interesting about your life, Gil. About your actual life history.

Well, we're talking about my son. You know, this is kind of fucked up to bring up. But we got into it, I had a little falling out. He stabbed me three times. Really forward. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not.

I can't believe you're unemployed. I'm good. I'm good. What exactly happened when he decided to stab you? What were you guys arguing about? It's bitch-ass mama. Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

Yeah. That bitch. That bitch. What did she do this time? Well, we're sitting there. And we got all these kids at our condo. She has six of them. No, we just have one, but she is like the neighborhood mom.

Everybody come down to our condo at spring break from Atlanta. Right. So everything, you know, I'm cool then. You know, everybody wants to hang out to my house. Hell yeah, because you're in Panama City fucking fresh puss. Yeah. All right, go ahead. But anyway, we're all down there.

This is before I got divorced, of course. You know. So we're down there. Divorce, divorce, of course, of course. Of course, of course. All right. Man. I got a conversation.

mouth a little bit, but anyway. So, so we're down there and she's like, I'm going to have to go get something to eat. She's like, well, I can't leave all these kids here. You're a grown-ass man. Go get yourself something to eat. So I said, okay, I went and got something to eat. Well, then when I come home, she doesn't, she didn't told my son that I stole her goddamn bank card and shit, you know, and I didn't took off with it. Yeah, you don't look like the kind of guy that would ever do that. No, no. It was my bank card. You're damn right.

Yeah. At the end of the day, you're the provider. What does that bitch do for work anyway? She don't. You're damn right. Yeah. I fucking knew it. I knew it.

Stay at home, bitch. But anyway, yep, exactly. Thank you. Thank you, Tony. See, we have momentum now. All right. Stick with the sound of us. Man.

Go ahead. I'm loving this shit right now. God damn it. God damn it. This is so exciting. DeRosa's heart is a rock right now. I know it, I know it, I know it. He's looking at that handlebar handles.

I know. That mustache could hold a lot of coms. They have gutters. They have gutters. Yeah, yeah. Oh, for the last four, Brian Redband from the plate. All right, go ahead. So, wait, it was your bank card.

Yeah. But you came home. Yep. She said you stole her bank card. She don't even have a bank card. You ask me, she has a skank card. Stop that bitch. Well, God damn.

Anyway, she got them all around. I walk in the door, and it's like kids going, you know, it's like, to the window, to the walls. Oh, yeah, and we know how you feel about that kind of music. No, no, fuck no. And I look at them, and I said, yeah, until the sweat runs down my balls. And all the kids are like, oh! So I go over there, I was like, hey, Blake, what's going on? She's like, you got my mother's fucking card.

I said, don't talk to me. me like that. Well, she already been talking shit before I got them, before when I was gone, got the kids all railed up because my son would never step in front of course. And once she starts blabbing, then comes the stabbing. Yeah. That's what we always say. I know, buddy. I know you and you know me. We're a happy family with a big old hug and a kiss from me to you. Let's say you let me do. Let's go. When does the stabbing start? About two o'clock in the morning. Wow. And does he say anything before he plunges at you with a knife? I ain't one of the music's so loud.

I really couldn't hear me. He just steps in front of me. That's what that music tends to do. It tends to cause violence with people. This is a massive jump, by the way. Oh, yeah. From him jumping into a sing-along to getting stabbed. Speaking of a jump, give us ten real quick.

Give us ten. Let's go. One, two, three. The crowd goes wild here in Dallas, Texas. Easy, breezy. Now, you guys make out. You two, make out. Take out.

Oh, shit. It's going to happen, dude. DeRosa's about to get four stab wounds. Yeah. All right, so back to the stabbing. Yeah, yeah. Got stabbed. I fucking got separated, you know.

Oh, I didn't get exactly how I got stabbed. He just stepped in front of me, and I was like, you know, the fuck. And he had a knife. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. He just, I was like, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get behind him. The motherfucker just slats me. In the face. In front of all his goddamn friends.

I'm like, what the fuck? So I just slap the fuck out of him? Your goddamn motherfucking right, you did. Does he have a mustache like yours? Did it like flap a little bit when you slapped him? No. He had no fucking face for here at all. You're goddamn right.

Why? Because he's that bitch's son. No. Doesn't have the powerful genetics like you, Gil. No. He looks just like me. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I don't know.

I'm just guessing here. I know, I know. All right. Go ahead. Then what happens? Um, well, well, then after he slaps me, I'm like, no, they go crazy. and all the kids are going crazy

and they're like, oh, and I'm just standing there. Like, the motherfucker just slap me. What the fuck do you expect, you know? Right. Dumbass motherfucker? I mean, you slap me again? I'm going to slap you. You know what I mean?

You're damn right. Did you tear up at all the way that you sometimes do when you get slapped? Yeah, sometimes a natural. No, I didn't tear up at all. I was like, what the fuck? Hell no. No one knows that you did because you wear those sunglasses 24-7.

You could slap this man all day. You won't see a sign of emotion. No. Especially from a kid, you know, what I mean? You know what we say in Panama City or wherever the fuck you're from? Tears are for queers. Yeah, exactly right. You're right. Hell yeah. If you want that clapback, I'm going to slap back. You know what I'm saying? We got a lot of sayings down there. I have them all tattooed on my forearms. All right. Okay, so when did the stabbing start? It's the longest interview

of the night, and I think it's damn well worth it. Well, it happened, right? Well, after they went crazy and shit. I go out to console my niece because she's like, I don't know, traumatized or something. How old's the niece? 35? No. She's the same age as my son. Okay. And like, she didn't never watch her goddamn parents fight and shit, you know what I mean? Right. All of a sudden, traumatizing shit. I'm like, what the fuck, you know? So I'm just trying to help her out because, you know. The niece is black. You're like, Dedrick? No. Okay, forget it. Keep going. Stabbing. Let's get to the actual stabbing part. So I'll come back in the house after she freaks out and she leaves and shit.

And I come back in the house, and he's like, he's, you fucking pussy, get the fuck out of my house. I'm like, who is that the bitch again? No, that's my son. Oh, yeah, bitch number two. You know, she didn't got to his head talking shit. Yeah. So then all of a sudden I'm like, you know, what the fuck, you know, you know, get the fuck out of the way. I'm trying to go upstairs.

Just, don't put him, pussy, you know. The motherfucker, about that time I just felt, papp, papp, pap. And I'm like, Blake, you goddamn boy doesn't fucking hit me. About that time, blood just starts pouring down my side. I'm like, you fucking little pussy. And they're all separated and shit. I just walk upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck?

You just walked upstairs, that's it? Yep. Stabloon in your skull? No, I'm talking about you. Wow, real nice. Once in the skull. Yeah. Wow.

So you'll slap them back, but if he stabs you, you just go up to your room? I mean, you know, what the fuck, Gil? I didn't have enough. Thank God. Well, Gil, I'll tell you what, man. You know, you showed what the show is, because you were nervous as fuck clearly when you got up here.

You let the pressure get to you. And then you fought it all the way, all the way to a great back end of the set and an unbelievable interview, Gil. Thank you, my friend. There he is Gil, ladies and gentlemen. I appreciate it y'all. Well, we're coming around the corner.

I have a few special treats left for you. One of them is happening right now at this very moment, as I present to you, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show. A man so powerful that sometimes God himself says, wow, that guy is good. You've seen him open kill Tony more times

than any other golden ticket winner. He has more spots all time than any other golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, the undeniable force that is Martin Phillips. Cool, thank you, right. So, okay, cool, cool, right. See me after the show. Okay, I could never be a surgeon

for other reasons. I'm very squeamish, so I'd be like, like, ew, gricky, just lose the leg, okay, lose the leg. I can't. I don't know if I, I trust doctors, you know. You know, the doctor, and they're like, you have leukemia. It's like, I didn't have that before I came here, you know, I was dealing good, you know. At the, at a hotel at that, I was walking to my room, I could hear people. having stats. And at first I was like, yeah, you know.

But then I heard the guy, he was like, ugh. I was like, this is gross. This is way to ruin it, bro. Icky, yucky, yuckie. Okay. Okay. Cool. Martin Phillips has done it again.

Incredible that you got to see and feel the amazing love love that these people have for you from so many accumulated many many many many accumulated killer sets and interviews I didn't like that list but you know it's it's cool now so yeah yeah and clearly you're the best player ever in Texas Rangers baseball history a lot of people know that I got Nolan Ryan at least I'll give Nolan Ryan some credit oh shit. Uh-oh. Hell yeah. Heck yeah. Well, the king of the bunts over here. True. The king of the bunts. Well, Tim Butterley. I'm curious, did you, did you try any sports as a kid?

Yes. I was okay. I was the water boy on our football team. Okay. I was the water boy on our football team. Okay. I had to wear a Jersey. I got my own jersey. Wow. I was the manager of our college club baseball team, Division 2. And at the end of the season, they let me go up at bat, and I hit the ball. I got to run. So my batting average is a thousand. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Fun fact, he's the first person ever dribble on a baseball field. Well, you know, I actually

I brought something special tonight. Oh, my goodness. So, in the past, I tap dance at their show, you know? But then I realized all people can't afford tattoos or they don't want to commit to tattoos. So for all the kids

out there. I have made my made at home tap shoes myself. Oh my goodness. You have actual tap shoes on? No, made at home. Oh. So all you have to do is get some old sneakers I crush some soda cans

and ductate them to the bottom of your shoes. You've done that here today. Can we get a little tap dancer? It sounds just like regular tap there. You can do this at home, okay? This is incredible. You're like Bill Nye or something. I call them Texas tap shoes.

Okay. Everybody, be quiet. You have to be quiet. Anything could happen here on Kiltzone. I literally can't tell the difference between that and good tap dancer. Uh-oh. Dallas has spoken, ladies and gentlemen. I think we got to put the mic down on the ground one more time

because these people want 10 improvised jumping jacks from you, Martin Phillips. We got to give Dallas what they want. What is the tabs who's on? I mean, yeah, let's just give it a shot here. We'll see how it's that. It'll be great. Just any form of jumping jack is going to be fully acceptable here. and I can do a fucking junk.

Yes, okay, perfect. Here we go. Count them out. Ten of them. One, two, three, four, five, six. Ladies and gentlemen, wow. Another great set, another great interview. He's batting a thousand on Kill Tony as well as his little league career.

All right. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for another Dallas bucket pole. This is Stephen Taco, everybody. Stephen Taco is the name. So I'm a beekeeper? Keep bees? Interesting thing about bees, though, is I didn't know that not all of them make honey, right?

So I beekeep the Western European honeybee, right? Makes honey. But then there's like the Africanized killer bee. They make crack cocaine. Cool thing about bees, though, is that they're like, they're hive-minded, right? They're like the ultimate form of communism. Yeah, they're a lot like the Chinese.

Like, it's all for one. The individual doesn't matter, and they all look exactly the same. And that's racist. All right, Stephen Taco. Welcome to the show, Stephen. You've been on before, right? Sir.

It's your first time? Yes, sir. First time ever even signing up. Wow. How long you've been on stand-up? About six years. Six years. Where at?

Fort Worth. Okay. You know Fort Worth well. What's up? Again, hyenas. Yes, sir. Yeah. That's great.

Yes, sir. Love it. So tell us about your life. What do you do for work? So, well, I'm a beekeeper part-time. And then I'm a server at Riskes. Riskeys Barbecue in downtown Fort Worth. Yeah.

Riskies. Hell yeah. That's what Joe calls a blowjob at Skangfest. Look, any food you ever handed me would be considered risky. Wow. So how did you get into beekeeping? My uncle's been doing it for like 15 years,

and he's been trying to get me into it. And like, for the longest time, I was like, fuck that I ain't fucking doing with bees. You fucking out your mind. And then I went with him to a farmer's market, and he made like $1,000. like four hours. I was like, fuck it. Let's slang some honey, dude.

It's like selling drugs, but legally, you know what I mean? So. Something like that. Okay. I love it. Your uncle ever tried to touch you? Tried. He's a millionaire, dude. I'd let him. Oh, yeah. I love that. He was calling you honey before you ever touched it.

Amazing. And it's a profitable business. beekeeping? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a little side hustling. I mean, I do it every other weekend. We sell it at the Azel Farmer's Market. Y'all come and see me, dude. Wow, a lot of name-dropping is happening. A lot of fat people going crazy to the farmer's market. Amazing. Stephen, what's your love life like? Well, who's that picture on Oliver? Fan of the Goonies, I think. Now, that's my mother. Wow. Is it really your mother? Yes.

Why do you have that picture of your mom all over you? So she called me one night was like, oh my God, I lost my tooth. And so I was like, you got to send me a picture of it. So she sent me the picture. I was like, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen in my entire life. Amazing. So she was like, do you want me to make you a t-shirt?

I'm like, do I? Hell yeah. And then I was at her house right before I came here, I had to drop my son off. And she saw what I was wearing. She's like, are you really going to wear that shirt? I'm like, hell, yeah. She's like, isn't this on YouTube?

I'm like, Mom, you're a bit? about to be fucking famous, dude. So shout out mom, dude. Hey, you guys. Amazing. I'm pretty sure most of the bucket pulls tonight have a mom missing a tooth or something.

Jogorosa. Aside from your uncle, how many times have you been stung? Dude, a bunch, dude. Like by bees, I mean. Does it happen a lot? A lot, dude, yeah. They don't like me. I don't know what it is. Probably me fucking stealing

all their fucking honey. But, like, what's the most like you ever got stung, like how many, you know? I got stung like eight times in my hand through the glove. We got a new species. It's a Russian species, and they're fucking aggressive, dude. Russian bees? Russian bees, dude, yeah. God, what could possibly go wrong?

Well, we had some Italian bees, but they're real fucking calm, but they don't make a lot of honey, so we're like, let's get some Russians, and they are fucking... Workhorse. Yeah, they're fucking soldiers, bro. And they're drinking vodka. getting into bare-knuckle bee boxing matches, doing Russian shit.

Absolutely incredible. I'm surprised the Italian bees were calm. Yeah, do they give up? Do you have any other kind of bees? Did you perhaps have any black bees at any point? Because I'm guessing very little honey was made that. They went out for milk, never came back. Steven Taco.

Amazing. Stephen, what's another fun fact about your life that we would find interesting? Just got out of prison. Whoa. Like the part-time beekeeper worker at riskies with a mom missing a tooth, wearing a shirt with their face all over, just got out of prison? Crazy, right. Incredible.

What were you in prison for? Possession of a controlled substance of methamphetamines. Yeah. Wow. You had crystal meth on you? Yeah. Amazing. I know, I mean.

Wow, the apple doesn't fall far away to you. So how much... I don't even know what quantity would be interesting, but did you have a lot of meth on you? No, dude, it was under a gram. It was like such a small amount. Oh, yeah, you're just trying to get a slight little buzz on. Oh, Pete, welcome to Dallas,

where you get booed for having only a little meth on you. Booze, that ain't even enough to get me high for the night. Pussy? Man, little man, what are you doing trying to get your Chihuahua high? less than a graham ship doerb-dur-d-d-bo-boo that amount of meth by the way there's no such thing

as a little bit of meth that's like saying kind of rape yeah I would be deathly afraid to have even a speckle on anything how often do you do meth my little friend yeah I've been sober for 15 months now

so no oh wow look at that thank you wow I heard booze Yeah, they boost sobriety as well here. So that was, how long were you in jail for? About a year. Okay, so that's what sobered you up.

Yeah, people ask me like, how'd you get sober? I'm like, it's this nice state-funded rehabilitation center called the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. Hell yeah, that'll do it. Did you have cellmates or anything like that? Yeah, I was in a 68-man dorm. 68-man dorm. Oh, my God, a 68-man dorm.

Calm down, Tony. How many times did you get stung in there? Not that many. So tell us what's the highlight of the 68-man dorm? I mean, you must have stories out of the wazoo in the wazoo. Yeah, dude, it was... Believe it or not, dude, prison's not that funny. It's actually kind of depressing, so...

I mean, there must be a moment that would be compelling or interesting, though. We were just talking to a guy for 12 minutes that got stabbed in the head by... his stepson. Give us a little something here. That was his actual. So actually, like, contrary to popular belief, like the prison rape thing,

that's what I was worried about, right? No one wants to rape a guy who has a picture of his toothless mama. But they're not raping in there, dude. They're just fucking, do you think? Yeah. It's consensual. Yeah.

People go on dates and shit. They have boyfriends. I bet you half of the guys do not agree with you, though. But the other half do. Did you have an anal orgasm? Me? No, never. What's the wackiest thing?

Did you jerk off when you were in prison? All the time. So how do you do it? How do you do it without like other people being like, hey, stop that up there? It was pretty courteous, dude. So we had like a shower list and you put your name on there, right?

And so like even though it was like a big shower, we only went in there one at a time. And we actually had a pimp. in the dorm. And he had like a binder full of like jackshots is what we called it. So it's like chicks with their tities out and stuff like that. And for two soups you can rent one

for your shower session. If you give someone two soups, they give you a waterproof binder? It's not just a picture. So you have like a whole binder of bitches that you can flip through and be like, I'll take this one today. You just stick it on the wall and... Wow. Be your thing. That guy's a genius.

You know it's funny. That guy just eats soup all day. That sounds like an amazing gig. This was the same setup like eighth graders had when I was a kid. Chunky. Well, the funny thing was like I had my favorites, and every now and they'd be like, I think I'm going to cheat on her tonight with this one. Hell yeah.

Were you ever scrolling through the binder and you found a picture of your toothless mom in there? Tony, don't talk like that. My mother's a classy woman. Thank you very much. I agree. Love you, Mom. I agree. You're speaking the tooth. You're speaking the tooth.

Hey, Eddie. All right. Butterley, anything else for Stephen Taco? Wait, what was the sketchiest thing that happened to you? Yeah. In your time there. Great question. Look, I get along with everybody. You know how they say, like, you go in there and whoever the biggest guy is? You go in there and you punch him in his fucking face. Yeah, no. You went in there and you gave him your soup. Hell yeah, dude. I went in there. I was like, do you want to watch a movie together? Have dinner tonight?

I mean, I had my jail boyfriend. You know what I mean? Ernie, what's up, dude? Hell yeah. Shoutouts to Ernie. Hopefully he's getting Wi-Fi right now at the Texas direction. He was the biggest dude in there, and I was like, I'm going to make sure that guy likes me. I love it.

He's close to. Stephen Taco, fun set, fun interview, very good stuff. Big show for you, my friend. Six years in the game from Fort Worth. That's Stephen Taco. Back to the bucket. We go. we're coming around that corner.

I have two big surprises for you after this. But for now, let's make it your final bucket pole of the night. Goes by the name of Trenton Tebow, everybody. Trenton Tebow. I lost my virginity to a female magician. And that really complicated sex for me after that. Because it's like, what do you mean your clits not behind my ear? I had some New Year's resolutions.

Like I wanted to storm the capital again. I also wanted to lose like a little bit of weight. Like nothing crazy. I just wanted to lose enough weight that if I heard someone yell, hey, you fat fuck in public, I had the confidence to not turn around. Because like fat's more than physical. Fats like a mindset as well.

Because like I can't see Chinese lettering without getting hungry. A girl to have a tattoo. You want to finish it? Girl have a tattoo. We done? Yeah, a girl will have a tattoo and she'd say, ah, this means peace and tranquilly. I'm like, nah, that's Beijing beef.

I fucking... Hell yeah. Trent and Tebow, ladies and gentlemen. First time on Kiltzoni? Second. Second. Where was the other one at? Mothership. Nice. How long ago?

2023. Okay. Well, welcome back. It's been a few years, obviously. Trent and Tebow. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Three years and change. Wow. So the first time you were on Kill Tony,

you were very, very new. Yeah, I was about a year in, probably. Well, look at you now, man. Crushing in front of 8,000 people. Trenton Tebow. Is this where you're from? Yeah, I live about an hour from here. What part?

I live in Mineral Wells, but I'm in Dallas every week. Mineral Wells. Incredible. Incredible. What's the most meth you've ever had on you in one? I'm way too fat for meth, dude. I got all my teeth, we're good. Perfect.

I love it. Trenton, what do you do for a living? I work at a restaurant. Okay. What kind of restaurant is it? Ah, dude, I just fry fucking chicken. That's what I do. Oh, shit.

Okay. How long you've been frying chicken for? A sad amount of time. Like nine years. Wow. Yeah, fucking. John Deez has been frying it for like 45 years. It's incredible.

It's a job that allows me the flexibility to do stand-up and all that, and, like, I can take off whenever I want. Really? The frying chicken job is flexible? Not very demanding on the time? No, it's not. It's fine. And if I don't show up, it's like someone else to do it.

Mineral Wells sounds like the middle of nowhere. Yeah. It is, right? Yeah, you'd be correct. And that's where you're born and raised? Yes, sir. So, like, what's your family like? What a mom and dad do?

See, my dad just got fired after 27 years. Wow, what did he get fired from? Well, it was budget cuts. He was the superintendent of the street department. Ah. And then my mom's a drug and alcohol counselor. Oh, okay. Look at that.

Wow. So people end up on your dad's streets and your mom takes care of them. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. And how many people, if you had to guess, live in mineral wells? 16,946. Wow. That's an exact number.

That's the kind of number that tells you, if you're thinking about moving to mineral wells, you've got to check in with them first. We don't want to make it 16,047 or whatever the fuck. Amazing. Trenton, give us another fun fact about you, Trenton Tebow. Right before I was on the show the last time, I got hit by a semi-truck. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

Yeah, I end up, I lost about a year's worth of memory from it. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Was there anything specific that you don't remember from then that you wish you did remember? Well, I mean, I got broken up with and then I hit her up afterwards. And she was like, what the fuck do you want? I'm like, oh, okay. Damn.

That's like getting hit by his semi-truck twice. She got fat. It's okay. Hell yeah. Then it's like really getting hit by a semi-truck. Amazing. Hell yeah. Incredible stuff.

Go ahead. I just, I thought your set was great, man. I think you're fucking really funny. Thank you very much. Yeah. I appreciate it. I just wanted to say that. Hey, I liked your special.

What's that? I liked your special. Fuck. Thank you very much. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Trenton, I'm going to be honest with you. They love it when people do 10 jumping jacks for some reason. Is there any chance we can get you to do 10 jumping jacks real quick? Oh, he doesn't even say anything. This man understands the game. Two, three. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. gentlemen. Here's a big joke book, Trenton. Trenton Tebow, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. And now,

ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what an unbelievable bucket experience we had. I have two more giant surprises for you that I don't really think you're going to believe. Why don't we start with this one to begin? Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say that I even said more than I've ever said anything about anyone in the history of the show for this man is the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever, the most interviews ever, a living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, who many people refer to as the Vanilla Gorilla. And also Dallas, I'm so curious, what are the chances that motherfucker was actually a lifeguard? Holy shit! They'd be like me coming out here saying I'm Ryan Fleurneoy of the Dallas Cowboys. Tiger Woods got drunk and flipped his car over again.

That guy spends more time on his back than Red Band's mom. And by the way, does anybody know, does the Easter Bunny support Israel? Make me call my lawyer. That's an impression to me after my teacher asked and my dad signed the field trip permission slip. Knock, knock. This doesn't have a last name. Man, I miss the old B-E-T. Horses in Iran say that the new Ayatola is both stupid and gay.

Red band, I told you you, yo ass is qualified for the job. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Ladies and time. Wow. What's up, Tony? The energy in this room today! Oh my God, I mean, it really is. It really is.

These people have been sitting in here for fucking... fucking three and a half, four hours. And also, Joe, a trans person didn't actually suck your dick, right? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love you. I was kidding. Oh, okay. No, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa. Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. I was just... It doesn't? You sound judgmental right now.

No. Are you judging? Are you judging? I'm not at all. Okay, thank you. I apologize for bringing this up. I feel like it's a real thing. Let me be me. I will. Let me shine. I'm happy for you. I don't care. How's he going, Tony? William, I have self-destruct his own incredible momentum. These people that love him.

William, what has said it was. Somehow the first person tonight to cover the Tiger Woods accident, a lot of topical, very fun jokes in there, whereas normally you're making references from the 70s, 80s, 60s. I know, you've been getting on to me recently, Tony, so I switched up just a little tonight. And Tony, I think secretly you like it when I have the old references. I think you secretly like it.

I do. I love everything about you, William. You can do no wrong with me. We've watched you do more sets than any other human in the history of the show. You are a man who set a standard for what a kill Tony regular is supposed to be. Well, I mean, there's a thing happening here, William. They love it if people do 10 jumping jacks. There's something going on here in Dallas.

Okay, so I do 10 jumping jack? I mean, you want to do 10 for us? Yeah. Throw that mic in the mic stand. They'll do the counting for you here. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, representing the Cowboys, William Montgomery doing 10. One, two.

The crowd goes absolutely wild. This show is insane. Joe DeRosa. Somehow you're jumping jacks were worse than Martin. I know. Well. And oh my gosh, hold on. On the way over here, we stopped at a Buckees. And for those who don't know, you actually get the beaver nuggets.

And if you want to really get dessert, you put a bunch of whole milk in a thing. And you put the beaver nuggets and eat them like cereal. Just a little tip for anybody. It's the best kind of cereal there is. Yeah. And I'll be doing it tonight, Tony. That is a great tip. Yeah, put your beaver nuggets in cereal.

Tonight I'm going to mess around with the cinnamon sugar version, so I'm really excited about that. Hell yeah, that's actual advice. I think it's going to be a little bit like cap and crunch, Tony! You have the humans on your side when you amp up like that. What else that Buckees excites you that much? Yeah, probably a little beef chucky! Talking about the pepper beef chokey! And also the dark chocolate.

Yeah, I got to figure out my A1C situation, so I'm on the dark chocolate right now. Anyway, Tony didn't think your cereal recipe sounded tasty until you changed beaver to captain. God damn it. I thought that was funny. It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight man. It's hard to do gay jokes on a straight guy after everyone knows you got your dick sucked by a dude, bro. And Joe, I brought it up because I was confirming. I don't care at all.

I love you. You've always been so nice to me. There's nothing bad. I love you. No, I know. It was nothing bad. I was just like, damn, dude. Like, holy shit.

William, how about in this? Let me, let's get back to Buckees, how it fires you up a little bit here, William, because the crowd is really with you. We have a little momentum here. I'm thinking, what do you like in the sandwich department in Buckey? In the sandwich department, Tony, it's a little weird because I think it's a little kind of, not everybody does this, but I really love the veggie burrito, Tony! And I say the veggie burrito because I really do love Buckees,

but I'm not going to eat chicken or beef at Buckees. Tony. It's really sifting quality. Oh my goodness. Oh, we've seen this before. He is turning on the crowd. He's playing anti-meat in the heart of Texas. Fuck, they hate the meat from there, Tony. And the vegetables are just so far. I don't even really like it there, Tony. God, William. And you look like a fucking clown red band in your butt. Like a fucking make-a-wisperson. We love Bucky. Oh, DeRosa's getting hard. Wow. William, you really do love Buckees, though.

I know, I was kidding. And I also was thinking, your mom actually has a tail red band. I was sitting in from the back last night. I'm thinking, what is this saying? She says it's something called a vestigial tail. Wow. Incredible.

Is there one more thing that you can grace us with that you love at Buckees before we let you go, William? Probably the caffeinated things you put in your mouth, Tony! Wow. I don't know what they're called. It's a very broad answer. Yeah. You mean coffee? Yeah.

Okay. I think he screamed a little too much. Sometimes the blood gets into his head. What you're seeing is a real artist who's done it more than anyone else in the history of the show. Ladies in the legend, William Montgomery, everybody. Now, I know what you're thinking. That's William, the Hall of Famer. That's where the show normally ends.

What could Tony possibly have brought for us here in Dallas, Texas? That could possibly end a show over William Montgomery. What could it possibly be? And I present to you the only human being, even above William, above Red Band, above everybody, who I let taking full, full control when he's on the show. It's a very rare treat. He doesn't do a minute every week.

He has to prepare mentally, physically, a super talent, unlike anyone in the 13 years of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you an anomaly. For this is Timmy Nobray. Relax gay guy. Jesus Christ. So, I watched Kill Tone for the first time. And one word, uh, hyphen gay, very gay. So, I hired an editor to edit my part of the episode to make it more exciting, okay?

And we're gonna be having visual effects going on behind me. So one check. So everything I described during my minute, Pretend like you're seeing it because we're gonna add it in post. Okay, start the timer, Red Band. No, Red Band, start the fucking timer. So I'm figuring the fuck out of this bitch. Just giving it to her, right?

And she wasn't coming. So I was like, God damn, what makes you bitches come? What the hell is going on? So I flip her around. I start fistic in this bitch. Fuck this. You see a pussy here? I'm fucking going in.

I mean, I'm wearing this bitch like a Rolex. Still no come. So I come around to eat her ass. Now, you are going to be seeing a CGI asshole avatar James Cameron level asshole. So I get down, I start talking Navi to this asshole, right? I'm like, so I'm like, all right, we got to set the mood, right?

So I throw up FBI crime statistics organized by race. by race. This one's not surprising, right? It's a black people or whatever. So then, she's really hot and bothered, right? Because she's a racist bitch. So I pick her up,

she's fucking going up and down like Bitcoin, and just like the bubble, she burst. So I set that bitch down like, bitch, my turn. I just fucking piss all over her face. And just at this point, just imagine you've seen an ISIS beheading video.

Tone. Wow. Timmy, no breaks. Yet again. Changing the parameters, rewriting the game. We thought we might hit a wall after 13 years, and then we are blessed, graced by the presence.

of greatness. Timmy, no breaks. All gas, no breaks, with a green screen, ladies and gentlemen, and a green stool. Keep it up. No. Keep it up. No. No. Keep it up. No. No. Keep it up for the interview. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No, I want you to keep it up because I've noticed that you've had a giant amount of dicks behind you lately. What's going on with all the penises, Timmy? I don't know what's going on with you having the same guests every fucking episode No offense guys honestly no offense I like you guys but you got to you want to do panel sometime yeah I do panel okay well there you go there's breaking news Timmy No Break's panel debut coming soon I'm sorry that two of the best comedians in the world

isn't good enough it's just that you know I'm trying to make the show shut the fuck up you shut the fuck you shut the fucking you fucking suck my dick up Cut that. Cut that. That was gay. No, I like that. No, no, you fucking, you get your dick sucked by trans people. You keep that to yourself, Joe. You want to be just like Joe, getting your dick sucked by a guy. There's a trans person walking up right behind you right now, Timmy.

Tim, can you do me a favor and just put this on? Yeah. Just put that on, Tim. Oh. Just throw that on, Tim. My goodness. We need a more exciting guest, you know what I mean? I mean, come on.

So who's the next? Holy shit. It's Kevin Hart. Holy fuck. Whoa. How did you beg Kevin? That's fucking crazy. Hey, say something, Kevin.

Yeah. I don't know. No, you got to sound more urban. He's black. Sound more urban. Sit lower in your chair. Hey, Kevin, why don't you do that joke that, where you say the M word five times?

Why don't you do that? Yeah, just rip that joke, Kev. Damn, you, you fucking a black dick. Perfect. I don't I've never had anyone do green face on the show before this is very exciting Oh shit Timmy. I don't know if you know the theme of the night, but listen people people just imagine Timmy doing jumping jacks on this green screen right now Yeah, what is jumping jack your fucking boyfriend? Gay guy? Well, I'm not doing jumping jacks

We're gonna add that out No, I was saying that all this is actually very expensive, so I got to do a quick ad read for this toothbrush that hasn't come out yet And you're gonna help me tone. You're gonna do the product demonstration and then we're gonna add the toothbrush in afterwards Oh no, no, no, it's not And then we're gonna add it in Tone I need to pay for this. Okay, you don't pay us. I gotta fucking pay for this shit You got to do this I need to make the money

money, come on. Play ball. Here we go. Introducing dent... I'm not rubbing a dildo up against my teeth, Timmy. You don't have to do it. Oh, okay, well, I was excited about it. Yeah. Don't worry about it, Tom. Can everybody cheer on tone for being a team player? I wonder what this could possibly be. After the creed...

It's going to be a toothbrush tone. I needed something that was green. in the same size. That's all I can find, okay? It's quite the girthy toothbrush, Timmy. Introducing dentibush. At 10 inches, it can clean those hard-to-reach places in the back of your throat. So just put it in your mouth. When you finish brushing, when you finish brushing, just squeeze the spheres at the base of the toothbrush to ejaculate it. So just touch the spheres. Wait, what?

Denta brush is great for travel. because it fits perfectly in your ass. So shove it up your ass. Okay. All right, Red Pan. Very good. Denta brush. Get your plaque blown out. Beautiful. That's really stuck on there. We'll do it in post. We'll do it in post.

I can't believe that to everybody on the panel. I'm the only one that didn't get to touch that thing. Touch it. Oh, no, it landed in De Rosa's ass. I'm going to be honest, this is fucking boring. It touched my mouth for like a split second. It did? Yeah, now I'm instantly thinking about someone

pausing it on YouTube and catching the plane where it was resting on my lip for a second. Just guys, please be cool about it. Timmy, what do you want to tell Dallas, Texas before we get out of here? Give them some parting words here. I need to say something. The girl that I was talking about

in that minute was your ex-girlfriend. Okay. And she's actually here tonight. Okay, very good. That's crazy. Guys, get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Amazing.

No, no, just leave it. Just leave it. Get the fuck out of here. I'm gonna bring out your ex-girlfriend. Okay. Okay, come on out. Here she comes. Yeah, look at her.

Oh, my goodness. Look at that hot bitch. Look at that fucking hot bitch. Look at that. Look at this sexy motherfucker. Wow. Oh, yeah. Look at those tits.

Oh, Tom, does this make you jealous? Wow. Oh, God. Such a long time. It's so good. Dance, baby. Look at it, dance, Tom. Is this making you mad?

Yes, I'm so jealous. I can't believe you brought out my ultra hot. Oh, my God. I'm fucking giving it to your girl. That's crazy. I love you, baby. I miss your pussy so much. Oh, my goodness.

Look at this. She's happier with me, Tom. Make sure she doesn't trip over the green screen that's right behind her left foot. No, she's going to be fine. Right. She's a dancing girl. Yeah. Hey, why don't you say something, babe? I can't.

What? No. No. She's squirting everywhere. Okay, that was great. I love your sweetheart. There's a thing right behind you, Martin. Yep, we'll do it in post.

We'll do it in post. We'll do it in post. All right, good job. Amazing. Watch, watch out for the thing. Help him over that, please, for the love of God. There he goes. Sex is a guy.

Timmy, no breaks. You rewrite the way that killed Tony is evolving every appearance that you have. How loud can this place get for the great Timmy, no breaks, ladies and gentlemen. I think you guys got a full show tonight. Did you guys have a good time? In the upper deck up there, do you guys have a good time?

Mariah, do you guys have a good time? How about one more time for the great time? Tim Butterly, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. And one more time for the great Joe DeRosa, everybody. Red Band. I'll be in San Diego, July 9th 3rd 11th, American Comedy Company with Pat O'Neill and Rachel Wolfson.

Vegas, Los Angeles, and New York City, all on the way. Those are our only stops other than Austin, Texas. Keep an eye on it. Ladies and gentlemen, we love you. God bless Dallas, Texas. God bless Texas, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

We love you. Good night, everybody.