KILL TONY - KILL TONY #773 - FRANCISCO RAMOS + DERRICK STROUP

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

Francisco Ramos, Derrick Stroup, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 06/15/2026 BlueChew: Buy 2-Months of BlueChew Gold & Get the 3rd FREE + 10% OFF & Overnight Shipping | Use Code TONY at https://BluewChew.com Shopify: Launch your dream business with Shopify. Sign up for your $1/month trial at https://Shopify.com/KILLTONY & start selling today! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony! It's great! Tonight of their fucking lives, huh? Time for the best damn band in all the land, the Kill Tony band. Wivo Francheros Tres'Liches. On the horns, the great and powerful Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez is on the drums. The great Matt Mueling on the electric.

John Dees on the Keys. And believe it or not, that is D.Matic. The real D-madness, live in the flesh. What an episode we have. We have new microphones thanks to Sweetwater Audio, the great Ted Schaefer, giving us new wiring and stuff. And we have a hell of an episode ready for you.

You guys excited to be here? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Let's do it. You know, sometimes it's booked this way, sometimes it's booked that way. What I love about tonight is it's two guests. One of them is, I mean, well, both of them are two of the best stand-up comedians in the world.

And we haven't had them on in a very long time. It's somebody's first time, and it's been, I think, eight or nine years since our other homie was on it. Both of them have two of the newest specials out. On Netflix, Amazon, Apple, YouTube, absolutely everywhere. Make some noise for two of the best in the world. It's Derek Strupe and Francisco Ramos. Fuck yeah. Welcome.

The great. Derek has one of the biggest specials on Netflix, nostalgic, out now. How about a hand for Derek Strupe making his Kiltony debut? Gonna have some fun tonight. And the great Francisco Ramos, who I started with 19 plus years ago at the Comedy Store, as Door Guys, is here. He's back on Kill Tony for the first.

time in I think eight years or so. Welcome, Francis. We're doing it. We're really doing it, Francisco. That's my Tony. I'm doing it. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Derek, it's your first time, so maybe you don't know, but over 250 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on this show tonight. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds, uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which just interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them, we all find out more about them live on the spot.

They'd have no idea they're going on stage until right before they get up here. I'm going to let this innocent little make-a-wish gay soccer player pull the first name. You guys are bumping each other like you knew I was going to say that, huh? Would you call them a gay soccer? Tony's going to say you look like a gay soccer player? You're spot on. You know my brand very well. Predictable punchlines by Tony Hinchcliffe.

seen a few of those reviews this week. By the way, I had to make some edits thanks to our friends over at Netflix and gave myself a little joke book after my special release this week. Fuck all of you. I hate you. I'm an artist that takes incredible risks. You can all suck my fat cock.

Anyway, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have one of our greatest regulars ever. Here to set the tone for the show with a brand new minute, make some noise. Sing along, if you know the words. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of one of the greatest regulars ever.

Here blessing us with a brand new minute just to show us how it's done. Make some noise for the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. It's great to watch the UFC at the White House. Love watching people beat the shit out of each other that close to Nancy Pelosi. It's hoping she would wander in. Can't wait for next year when we're,

We can play pickleball at the Vatican. But yeah, I'm working out right now because I have no ass. Yeah, it sucks having no ass. My underwear is touching my butt hole right now. Yeah, I sat on a quarter, it penetrated me. Yeah, we are at war right now with Iran. We've won four times already.

Now when the Epstein list dropped, everyone in a third world country was like, oh, no, they're gonna need a distraction. And the Jews were like, oh, good, they're gonna need a distraction. A lot of people call Trump a Nazi. What kind of Nazi goes to war for the Jews? I wish she was a Nazi.

Maybe gas. It would be $5 a gallon right now. All right. That's my time. Thank you so much. Hans Kim, with some very topical references, fresh off of last night's UFC at the White House and indeed a never-ending rounds and rounds of war with Iran.

Welcome, Hans. How you feel? Thank you, Tony. It's great to be here. I watched the UFC at the White House on my TV. Oh, wow. Which is worse than your seat. Yes, indeed.

I was right there, right in the action. It was a lot of fun. You've been to live UFCs before, though. Yes, I famously was not paying attention when someone got knocked out. Were you on your phone? I was just zoning out. Oh, okay. What fight was that?

Do you remember? It was Leon Edwards when he upset Camaro Ouzman. Oh, wow, you missed that one. Yeah, you were in it. You were fucking... Yeah, I pay attention when I'm in the front row of a UFC, especially the main event. It's a big thing not to miss it.

That's kind of the whole point. Sorry, Tony. Apology accepted, Hans. What else is going on in life, pal? I'm missing a tooth. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, what happened?

Show you guys? Yeah, show us. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let me see. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why we love him. He overshares. He has no problem looking like a complete psycho.

Francisco, what do you think about this look? How do you look more Asian now? That's backwards Asian. I think you can get rid of some ramen with that gas, my man. Oh, yeah. Suck it all right up in one big fucking... Well, whistle something. Don't stand.

I mean, go. Ain't that the truth? How, how, what happened? Oh, I got elbowed in the face playing basketball 12 years ago. Oh my God, that's what you talk like with a tooth missing? He sounds like a totally different way.

Like, I got your basketball. Whole new version of Linsanity here. You haven't, you haven't learned out of talk since it got knocked out 20, do you always have that thing in? It's been since January. So what's going on? Why don't you go to a dentist? It got infected.

So they took it out and they're going to put an implant in, but the bone has to grow. Oh, my God. It didn't take, because I vape too much. You vape too much? Yeah. Oh, my God. And so the bone didn't. So they had to do it again.

So I was supposed to get it done in April, but now it's June. Wow. And it's because it's infected? It got infected. Now it's not infected. Whoa. Oh, is this what you tell girls? Yeah, I'm not affected.

When you're like, let me eat your pussy. Fucking click right in between the two teeth. Do you take it off before you eat the pussy or like you keep it? I think I would keep it in. Just in case they pop back up, you don't want to be like, oh, I got, I lost it in there. Yeah. Exactly.

Just in case, no doubt about it. That was some good pussy. That's the best one. So 20 years ago, when it happened, you had an implant put in. Yeah, what is it called, the crown? Right. The root died. Yes, that is what it's called.

And so then how did the crown fall out? Oh, it got infected. Oh, just a lot of mouth infections. Incredible. Your DMs are going to be lit after this. Just the nastiest women in the world. world. Hey.

Taste different. Oh, Jesus Christ. Kimpy. My God. Oh, you are a nasty boy, Hans. Can I put it back in now? Right after you say, may I please have some spaghetti?

May I please have some spaghetti? Oh, my God. Yeah, you can put it back in. Thank you, Tony. Now say, may I please have some spaghetti? May I please have some spaghetti? Incredible, Hans. Way to get things started tonight.

He's a legend on this show. There goes Hans. And now we go to the bucket, people. This is it. This is where it really starts. The Eye of the Storm, where we meet people. Anything can happen.

Could be the next big talent of the world. Could be an insane person. Might be a 20-year veteran. Could be somebody's first set. Anything can happen. We're going to meet them all together. The whole thing's crazy. Makes noise for your first bucket pool.

It's Dan. Seagull everybody, Dan Seagull. You guys do fucking rock. You want to have the death bend in this land. I want you guys to realize, I want you guys all to turn to each other no matter who you're with, your mom, your dad,

your sister, your brother, and look at each other, right? I need crowd participation. Just look at each other. Have you ever looked at each other? All right, so if you had looked at each other, deeply in the eyes, which you guys are not, like, don't look at me. Look at each other.

I'm not fucking around. I need your help. All right, fine, whatever. But if you did look at each other, the thought would be in my head, man, I have no idea how many people you have fucked. At all. Think about it. You go to bed every single

night with somebody, if you're not me. And you go, fuck, man. I bang this guy chick, dad, mom, whatever, every night. And they stole fucking pussy sucks. Thank you. All right, Dan Siegel.

Yes, sir. Okay, you did basically nothing. You complimented the band. Very good. Exciting to have... That's what my dad said too, so you're not wrong. All right, good. How you doing?

It's good to have an alcoholic Little League umpire here tonight. This is fantastic. You look fantastic, Dan. You look great. You've been rolling around. around in lava or something? What's happening here? You know, for some reason,

I'm from New Hampshire, so people are like, dude, you look really fucking tan and like, sun. Okay, very good. Let's check. I know a man that just got off a roof when I see one. Yeah, exactly.

No, you don't. Yeah, yeah, well, that sun's not on accident. You've been somewhere hammering. I can tell you that. You have homeless energies without a doubt, Dan. What the fuck? That's homeless. I get the shit all the time.

I'm a skateboarder. Sorry. We got to talk about the homeless shoes. I can't see the shoes. What are we got here? Here we go. You got to check out the Gospel 2000s right there. I mean...

Incredible, Dan. Let's talk about your life. Dan, how old are you? 29. No, you're not. Oh. I believe it. There's no way.

Seriously, Dan. 29 years working at a gas station. I'll be 50 in August. Okay. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Since October. Okay. What made you start in October? Fucking...

There was no art. Don't you, Dad, try to mimic me. Okay, answer the fucking questions, Dan. Yes, sir. I apologize. Comedy fucking rules. I mean, I've loved it since I was a kid. I've watched everybody from Rodney to fucking...

Okay, we got it. All right. What have you been doing for a living this whole time, Dan? So I'm just getting over frostbite. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Can we get Hans's two? back out here. This is more disgusting than anything I've ever seen in my life. No, dude, these are good. Like, my fingers were legitimately black. Wow. No, no, we, we, we, I can't tell you how much we believe you. I've never believed somebody more in my life, but I'm a little pissed that you got offended at the Roofer joke and you don't have fangles. I can't you know. No, no, no. That's crazy. That's great. That's great for you to be like, hey, you're out of line with the, and you don't have fingers. I can't even.

And you go, hey, I lost my hands. Nope. I'm lucky I can't use a nail gun. I used to roof, though. All right, everything you do sucks. So, like, leave that second, like, you're going to be funny part out when you're answering the questions. Yes, sir.

And we'll get to the other good stuff like he's doing, and we're all doing here. So, Dan, let's get right into it. All right. How did you get frostbite all over your fingers? So I was ending a relationship in New Hampshire, and I was, well, that's it. That's the answer, everybody.

Don't ever break up with your new Hampshire girlfriend or your fingers fall off. Is you a seal? What the fuck? I feel like I need to explain my shoes too. I went on a job interview today and the interviewer wasn't there so I got stuck in this bullshit.

No one's talking about your shoes, Dan. Answer the question about your fucking missing fingers. They're not missing. They're here. They're short and I'm a bass player so that kind of sucks. Okay, back to the question. How'd you get frostbite?

So I was flying back from here to New Hampshire, like every other week, ending in a relationship, talking to my daughters, being like, hey, man, like, this is what I want to do. I'm following a dream. They're like, dad, you're a fucking idiot. Like, go for it. Dude, answer the question about the frostbite on your fingers. Do nothing else. All right.

Get to the part where the cold shit starts happening. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot. The cold shit started when I was. But I kept falling in snow. Wait, what? Over and repeatedly. Dude, how did you get frostbite, bro?

I had, all right, so I caught hypothermia looking for a job in Nashua. When you get hypothermia, you gotta have to give me a minute. Hold on a second. No, we already gave you a minute, and it felt like 10. I'm having hypothermia right now. Do you want me to answer it? Oh, oh, do we? Oh, shit.

Fuck. You've gone around your elbow to get to your asshole, man. Backside elbow flip. So I caught hypothermia, which means your blood isn't pumping. We know what hypothermia is. Are you sure? Dan, you're ruining this interview. This could be good, you fucking idiot.

Answer the question about the frostbite. Get to the frostbite. I caught hypothermia. I ended up in the thicket of pine trees in the middle of a highway. There it is. I was exhausted, and I kept falling down. And I knew that if I didn't stand up, I would die.

But I didn't have my hands covered, and the snow kept getting it and getting it. And Boston Medical Center fucking... Like, they saved my hands. Okay, I'm going to take over here as the interviewer of the show for 13 years. And you are a hard interview, Dan. You are tough. It's okay.

Don't say anything at this part. But here, there's a very specific question, and it's going to have a very specific answer. Dan, look at me. Look at me. You're doing everything wrong. Look at me. Look at me.

There you go. So how do you get in the snow? We understand you're going through a breakup, this, going back and forth from New Hampshire to who gives a fog. That's what I was trying to tell you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nothing that you were saying as any part. I caught hypothermia because my heart was... How did you catch hypothermia?

Because I was looking for a job on a street. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dan, what the fuck's wrong with you, dude? A lot, man. Why were you in the forest? Yes. There you go.

We can get more specific if you want. Dan, answer the question, Dan. So. Why were you in the forest, Dan? Because, oh my God, I caught hypothermia. Nope, you're done. It's unbelievable. Put the mic back in the mic's sick.

Put the mic back in the mic sit. You suck, Dan. That's crazy. This is like a question that any normal human can answer. I was trying to answer it. No, you weren't. It was like the worst episode of cops, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, where are your favorite? I caught hypothermia. Put the mic back where you found it. Put it back. There you go with those little fucking missing nubs. There he goes, everybody, Dan Siegel. Get back there, Dan. Go that way.

There you go. Very good. Keep going, Dan. Keep going, Dan. There you go. Great stuff, Dan. Holy fucking shit. Oh, you know what that noise means.

The lovely Heidi. Live in the flesh, the one and the only, keeping us well hydrated. Lord knows everyone needs a drink after the comedy stylings of Dan Siegel. Fuck. How do you end up in a freezing forest? I was looking for a job. I think he murdered somebody. Yes.

There's definitely, he's like really bad at lying or something. Homeless. He's homeless. Oh, okay. No doubt. Crazy. Should I give him a dollar? I don't know.

I think we missed our chance. Hi, everybody. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, you'll track your sleep, take a coal plunge, and drink coffee made out of mushrooms. You dialed in every part of your life, except the one that really matters. The one or all the magic happens. That's right, the bedroom, where boners are born. And that is where Blue Chew Gold comes in. Blue Chewold is better sex in a tablet. Speaking of tablet, who has one with sound effects on it? Red band.

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And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. We got another bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, makes some noise for Kimberly Coaster, everybody. A minute from Kimberly Coaster. I moved here from Colorado because it was getting too expensive. I had to have roommates.

I lived with these guys. And it was awful. Like one of them, he was always in his room, like playing Xbox. Suck my ass. And the other guy, he was like a little more outdoorsy and outgoing. He always had his boys over. And it made me so uncomfortable. I mean, I'm a woman in my 50s.

I should not be living with men in their 20s, but I gave birth to them. And I couldn't get him the hell out of my house. But I came up with a plan. I started dating their friends. Yeah. I have two boys in their 20s. And you know what, it's amazing how you can have two kids and they can be so different from each other.

Like one of them, you know, he goes to college and gets good grades, has a girlfriend. And the other one, he sits and plays Xbox and smokes pot. And I know you're not supposed to pick favorites, but he has really good weed. Thank you. I'm Kimberly Kester. Kimberly Koster. Welcome, welcome. Hell yeah. How did you get your frostbite? I'm just kidding. Kimberley. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, a year ago. Okay. I thought so. I remember you. Welcome back. Remind us,

how long you been doing stand-up? About five years. Okay, cool. And that's all in, where's that? Mom, I started in Denver and I moved out here a year and a half ago. How's Austin treating you? You know, it's, I might be a little too old for the open mics, I feel like, but I've actually been starting to produce shows in the Midwest, so, you know. Why are you? Why are you? you choosing the Midwest to produce shows. Oh, I grew up in Iowa. Oh, okay. I'm doing a show in two weeks in Fort Dodge, my hometown,

and it's this 500-seat theater and bring in some Austin comics. Very cool. Have you thought about producing a show regularly here in Austin? There's a lot of them, man. I mean, maybe, eventually. I don't know. The big places are more fun. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. It could be a big place. If you start it, it could become a thing. You live on the outskirts of Austin? I do. I'm kind of on your way to B Cave. Yeah.

Yeah. So there's probably room for a scene out there. Like a lot of rich people out to B Cave. That's true. That would like to see what you consider an older lady. Yeah. That's what you called it. That's what you said.

That's her own verbiage there. For someone makes a fucking internet clip about Tony bullying old fucking hags. Oh, I accidentally said hags. All right. I fucked it. There you go. There's your clip. Just kidding. Kimberly, I like your style. So the boys in the 20s, how's that?

Is that fun? No, it's, well, one lives in Oregon and the other's in the Army. So, you know, I hear from one of them, like a couple times a day, and the other one I hear from a couple. Is the Army one serve overseas at all? No, he's in El Paso. Whoa. Yeah. That's roughly.

So he's harder. Yeah. He's guarding the border. Do you, are you married or are you divorced? I've been divorced since my boys for five and seven. Are you really fucking his friends? Are you single? I'm sorry, what?

Are you really fucking his friends? No, no. You should. There you go. Good advice from Red Band. Thank you, Red Band. Back to the sound board he goes. Interesting that younger men are better looking.

I mean, sometimes I forget I'll see a hot guy and I'm like, oh, fuck, I could have gave birth to him. You can still fuck him. Yeah. I could, but it just, I don't know. I think your odds are better than you know. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Yes, we're back. And we're back. So, like, what type of guys do you hook up with? I haven't had sex in over a year, so. In over a year? Over a year? There's this froze by guy. He's going to figure you.

Yeah. That won't be very eventful. Yeah. Not the first time you've had a black finger in you, I'm sure. Come on, come on. We're having fun here. We're just getting warmed up. Ooga.

All right. Wow. So Kimberly, why aren't you out there chasing these young Austin boys? You have unbelievable cougar energies, if I may say so. Vaginal dryness. Whoa, okay. That'll fine them off. Yeah.

Let me guess. You got that looking for a job flying back and forth from New Hampshire to somewhere. That's how everyone's. getting sick nowadays. A lot of flights to New Hampshire. Have you tried spitting on it? Oh, red band. Why do you say things like this?

Women have the courage to come to a show like this and sign up and take a chance on themselves and you make it all disgusting. Have you tried spitting on it? I have tried that, yeah. Yeah. It didn't work. Didn't work.

No, yeah. You know, a year and a half ago, last time I had sex is when I realized that. Did a doctor diagnose you? Did you check it out? I don't do doctors. You don't do doctors? Oh, boy. Why did you have kids?

Well, I haven't done doctors in a while. Yeah. I mean, I did doctors back then, but then the pandemic happened, and I didn't want to do doctors anymore. You're like, science sucks. Doctors, yeah. I mean, she's from Iowa. Yeah. That makes sense. When you gave birth, it was a warm rag. I used to date this girl that had a couple of tampons in her, and she didn't even know.

Have you tried to see if there's anything? Okay, Redband. Very good. It is unbelievable. He's on fire here today. He is a dry vagina specialist. Not a lot of people know that, but when someone brings up a dry vagina, that's been Red Band. Grabbs that, Mike turns up the volume and really lets it rip because he has a wealth of experience

in being the senior dry vagina correspondent on this show. I love it. So Kimberly, do you think there's any reason why your vagina's gone dry? If you had to diagnose yourself in this doctorless world that you live in. It's called vaginal atrophy. And it's like when your vagina, you know, just kind of like it would be like if you set a chicken cutlet out on the kitchen counter. Oh, is that your way of saying you want a black guy to eat your pussy? That's what you need.

That's what would happen. Oh, man. Chicken chocolate. Chicken cuthits and sense. Wow. A chicken cutlet out on the counter. After a week, you know. After a week.

That's what your vagina turns into when you go through menopause. Well, I will be on the lookout for my vagina. Wow. That is wild. Kimberly, how do you make a living? I'm a hairstyle. I've been a hairstylist for 35 years, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of those bitches.

Yeah. Why? Because their vagina's wet. Yeah, exactly. Jealous. Scared. How's your wet pussy doing, bitch? Amazing. What's something that's happened while you're styling hair?

Like, has anyone ever overshared? And you're like, Jesus, what is going on here? Because I know women be yapping to their hair style. I had one week where every single person in my chair cried. And it wasn't because of anything. I did. But like, yeah, like everyone, like one lady, her daughter came out as gay and do you take all the tears and put it in your vagina? Very good, Red Bear. Very good, Red Bear. I do have a little cup. It's unbelievable. I saw him grab the mic and just as fast as he could.

Quick draw. He heard the word tears and just, we got to put those in a vagina. Yeah. Immediately. No doubt about it. Wow. So wait, she cried because who was gay? Well, her daughter came out as gay, but she was really liberal, so it was very critical. That's what happens. That's what be happening. You want to live that life.

You're going to have gay kids. Have you talked to the Duke boys lately? Red band. Catherine. I have no idea what's happening. Thank you, Red Band, so much for doing what you do. We're here. We're in the same generation.

I know what you're talking about. You guys are old as fuck. Yep. Okay. Okay. Oh my God. So Kimberly, I guess in closing, I have to know, what are your next plans other than running the shows in the Midwest? Like, what are some other things you're looking forward to in life?

You know, I do want to stop doing hair and have comedy be my... you know, income. Yeah. And, you know, I don't know. I'm just kind of winging it at the moment. I like your style. I think it takes balls to come to a place like this all the way from fucking the burbs and fucking sign up

and be with all those fucking heathens next door. And you seem like a classy, cool lady that fucking is doing that and chasing your dreams. And that's how shit happens. So you're fucking doing everything correctly. You're awesome. You have great sense of humor. You roll with the punches.

you're a real fucking comedian. Here's a big joke book. Thanks. A black one. Yeah. Thank you. Kimberly Coaster, everybody. Look at that.

Look at that. Now we're moving. It's like Dan Siegel never even happened. Remember that guy? I mean, I think I asked, it felt like I asked like 11 times. How did you get cold? All right.

Your next bucket pool goes by the name of James. Jake Palfee, everybody, Jake Palfee. I hooked up with that lady over a year ago. Sandpaper dried. No, I'm feeling good, though. I got my haircut this week. You like it? I don't like it.

I look like a cardboard cutout of every white guy ever. I see a lot of us in your day. But I've only had this one haircut my entire life. this one hair cut. I only had one person ever cut my hair. And that's my blue-haired, gay, liberal mom. It's just her. She's the only... I've never been to a barbershop.

I go to the salon. It's not cool. Like, I want to go to the barbershop. I want to throw gang signs. I want to talk ball. Whatever happens there. I don't know. I want to be the only one in there that knows that the fire alarm battery needs to be changed. Like, I'm going to cheat on my mom. I'm going to cheat on her. I'm going to

cheat on my mom with a big, strong, tattooed, Puerto Rican man named Rick. And he's just going to have his way with my head. Fuck yeah, I'm Jake Palfi. That's been my time. Thank you. Jake Palfi, welcome, welcome. Have you been on before Jake? Welcome, Jake. How old are you? I'm 27. How long have you been to stand-up? Four years this month. I love it. Very, very, especially the start listening to what's going on behind the curtain, paying attention. Uh, fucking powerful opening, stuff all about your actual life.

Where were the four years at? All here. Nice. Is this where you're from? I'm from Dallas. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. Did you start in Dallas or you really started here?

I started here. Okay. Rough start. Yeah. Yeah, four years ago. Hell yeah. So take us through that process. Like, how did that start for you?

I mean, when you start here, you just have, you have to, like, wait endlessly at open mics that you might not get on. And then it's just hard to get time when you don't have it made here. But I started producing maybe two and a half years ago. And now I just got a show at the creek in the cave and a bunch of stuff. So that's how I've made my life. Yeah, that's the way to do it. That's what I was saying to Kimberly is you got to start your own kind of stuff sometimes if you want to do shows in your own hometown.

That's kind of how it goes. What do you do for a living? What kind of ballet driver are you? I was a valet driver, actually. Bing Bong. Hello. No credit whatsoever. A fucking parallel park, good, dude.

Hell yeah. You look like... Teach all the ladies in here how to fucking do it. Okay, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah, that'll help you. Well, that really did it. You'll be covered in pussy, man. That's the P.P.

That's the P.E. that the ladies want. Parallel parking. Don't use the camera! Look back. I already did it. Okay. So what else you've been doing for jobs? I worked for a roofing company.

I just started for a new one. Wow, if I told you to guess the roofer, if I only showed you pictures. Dude, you got an employee back there. He doesn't have any fingers, but he's what you're looking for. That's good. I promise you, yeah. Don't ask him any questions, or you will fire him immediately. Giving some aluminum and Vienna sausages, he'll have a whole crew.

How long you've been roofing for? Like two years, but I just left my old company and started with a new company. I do business development, so I just go to like state farms and go, hey, I'm Jake, not from State Farm. Oh, they must love that. Oh, you're crushing in the lobby of State Farm. It's just old fat ladies. I bring them cookies, and I hit them with that, and they're like, oh, my gosh. Oh, hell yeah.

It's fun. Business is booming. It's booming. You're a tall guy. How tall are you? you? I'm 6.5. Six, five. So you don't even need a ladder to do, Roos. No, I just, I just jump up there.

Absolutely. I can, I can dunk as well. What do you do? Oh. Ooh. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. She dunks. Old white wimby over here. Look at you. Some old lady's getting her wet pussy.

I try, dude. I tried. I love it. Jake, what do you do for fun when you want to get a little wacky? Yeah, I play a lot of basketball. I have a girlfriend I spend a lot of time with and then just doing comedy a lot. Getting wacky. I like smoking and doing mushrooms.

Oh, nice. I know I have, I don't look like it. Right. But, yeah, I do that. Do you ever play lacrosse? La Crosse, no. I'm too skinny. Did you ever rape anybody?

No. The drive of them. That escalated quickly. Yeah. Do you really have a blue-haired mom? You have a liberal mom? Her hair color is constantly changing, but yes. Yeah, she's kind of a wild lady.

She is a wild lady. How do you think they end up like that? My dad, excuse me, not abusing her, maybe. Not just, like, emotionally abusing maybe. Oh, wow. Yeah, not physical. When you say maybe, like, what have you seen?

Just like, they would just argue a lot. And then she was like, she just partied hard. My dad didn't. So, like. When you say mom parties hard, what exactly do you mean? I mean, like, in her 20s, she just went hard. I don't, I didn't know her. What have you heard that she did in her 20s?

She would just, you know, do everything. She told me about, like, ecstasy and stuff at, like, fuck. Like, she would tell me this in, like, high school. I'd be like, oh, this is crazy. My dad's going to hate this so much. That's all right. You can't worry about dad on this show. I know.

Princess. When you got grounded, they sent you to the roof? Or like... Yeah, I spent a lot of time up there, yeah. Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters? I do. I have an older brother. That's my mom's son.

And then I have a younger sisters, two years younger than me. That's my only, like, full-blood sibling. And then I have... And then... It's, okay, I have four siblings. Is that what you wanted? I don't know why you explain that. Like, he's on the board for 23 and me.

You can just say I got four siblings. We wouldn't have gone, interesting, full-blooded. I have two, like, little children siblings now that my dad had. That's why I was trying to get. Got it. That's what Red Band's interested in. So your older brother, is he tall as well? He's, like, 6'3.

Okay. So you're the taller one. Yeah. You have those barren Trump energies. That's right. Abnormally tall for being a younger brother. That's right. Jake, this girlfriend of yours, what does she do for a living?

She's a therapist, which means I get therapy for free. Amazing. Even when I don't ask for it, I just get it. Incredible. What do you utilize the therapy for? She usually just tells me everything I'm doing wrong. I don't actually. I don't actually.

I don't actually. What does she say you're doing wrong? We, I don't make very much money, and she has a lot more money than me, so that's something we have argued about before. I just try to keep her happy, you know, and like, be funny, because I don't have money. How much money do you have? I have, like, I actually got paid the day, so I had $1,200. Okay. And before that?

Before that, you had nothing? Say it again? Before that, you had nothing? I had just paid rents. I had no money, yeah. Wow. Incredible. So she's just paying the bills, basically.

No, I mean, I just cover everything, but, like, she has a lot of money. So she'll, like, when she wants to go do something, I'm like, hey, I can't, but, you know, you can take me. Wow. Incredible. Does she make you, like, do chores and stuff? Yeah, oh, yeah, I plant a lot of plants,

mow the lawn. Oh, wow. She's a homeowner, so I, like, take care of the house. Yeah. It's your girlfriend, your mom? What the fuck? She's going to hate that, too. What is it like when she chokes you darn sick?

Is it crazy? Are you like, I like harder. Just lap me. Amazing. But she's a good therapist. She's amazing, yes. For those of you that need therapy, just a reminder, Talkspace is out there.

Use promo code Space 80 at Talkspace.com. I love it. Yeah, we do love it. Jake, very, very funny stuff. Congratulations, great stuff. Keep it going. Four years in the game. That's Jake Palfi.

Good stuff, Jake. Starting something new is terrifying. I remember thinking, what if this fails? What if I put all this work in for nothing? But taking that leap ended up and being one of the best decisions I ever made. It also helps when you have a partner, like Shopify on your side.

Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. from household names like mine to brands just getting started, Red Band. They make it all easy, too, with hundreds of ready-to-use templates. Shopify helps you build an online store that matches your brand style. Need to accelerate efficiency? Shopify's AI tools can write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance product images. Oh my goodness. And did I mention that iconic purple shop?

pay button. It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet from marketing to managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise. It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash kill Tony. Go to Shopify.com slash kill Tony that shopify.com slash kill Tony. And on to the next one we go. Your bucket pool now goes by the name

of Daniel Velasquez. Here we go. Daniel Belasquez. Oh, we know, Daniel. I was going through a breakup a few months ago and a buddy of mine could see that I was struggling. And he was like, hey man, what you need is a massage

at one of those hand job massage parlors. He was like, listen man, I know you can't drive. I found one down the street from your house. You could just walk there. Which, like, first off, weird way to find out I live in a bad neighborhood, you know? And he was like, hey, man, I know your birthday is coming up, so I made the appointment for you. So if you don't go, they're not going to let me go back there anymore.

So, like, he put me in a weird spot, right? Because, like, sex work really isn't my thing. But, like, I'm not trying to yuck his yum, right? Like, so I went, man, and that is going to be a one-time trip because, you know, I learned there's nothing more embarrassing than getting a hand job and then having to walk home afterwards. Dude, I put my headphones on. I couldn't even get myself to play any music, guys.

I was like, no, you're going to enjoy this walk of shame in silence. Thank you, guys. That's my time. This has done it again. Always funny. We love Daniel here on this show. Thank you. I love you. Thanks for having me.

Absolutely. Welcome back, my friend. Thank you. Is that a true story? That is a true story. Incredible. I believe it. I need better friends.

Yeah. Or maybe he's my best friend. Who knows? Incredible. Yeah. Francisco. Is he a regular here or like, because what do you have?

Sorry. We've been through this a few times. He's definitely qualifies. He's definitely qualified to be one of the golden ticket winners here. He definitely walks like one. He walks the walk and he talks the top. Yeah, I have a true little palsy. Okay, cool.

Yeah. But you already... No, I... I'm gonna hop in here. Yeah, I'm gonna try to clean it on up. I thought it was great. The first person that ever took me on the road was Josh Blue. Fuck yeah, dude.

Love Josh. Your timing was killer, so great work, man. Thank you. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Completely agree. You're great. You're great. Thank you so much. So Daniel, what's been going on in life since your last time on this show? Nothing, man. I lost my job. Real quick, anybody hiring, dude?

What did you do before? I worked at Chick-fil-A, dude. You lost your job at Chick-Fillet. What exactly do you have to do to lose your Chick-fil-A job as a... You've got to be fast. No, yeah. No, I was living here for a little bit and then I ended up moving to San Antonio so I had to lose that job.

But yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. Got it. So what experiences, what other jobs have you had so that we can find you a job? This is a little segment we call Find a handicap guy a job. You know, I was a TV news producer for a little bit

And then, but it's hard to do TV and then do comedy, and I really want to do comedy. So I just went all in on that. And I'll take any job, man. I'm just trying to be a comic and trying to work and make this my career eventually. So, yeah, I was a TV news producer and then Chick-fil-A. So there's a two vastly different jobs. That goes to show you where the news industry is nowadays, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, breaking news.

The only job better than working for the modern news facilities is, Chick-fil-A, everybody. All right, so let's go out there. This guy in the hat looks like he has CEO energies. You with the glasses, sir? Do you have perhaps a job opening for this guy? I'll move here tomorrow, dude. I'll move here tomorrow.

Trying to get you a job, sir. Maybe shut the fuck up for a second. No, you don't own a company. Anybody own a company here? How about you, sir? What company do you own? Furniture moving. Oh, perfect.

Oh, well, congratulations. If you think you're limping now, wait until tomorrow night. Yeah. This was a bad idea. I'll move drugs for people, man. They never checked me at TSA, dude. I can move fucking... Yeah.

I'll move weight, dude. That's a good one. I'll move weight. You're a meal, yeah. Yeah. Have you tried Chick-fil-A? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know you have.

So, Daniel, you're basically willing to do anything. This is a question that we only ask here on Kiltoni, a question you never get on the Tonight Show. You never get on. morning radio out on the road. Only here do I ask this question. How much money do you have? Negative $58.

Wow. Okay. So we need a job ASAP. Incredible. Wow. So I'm trying to figure out what could we possibly do with a guy like this. What do you think?

Negative 58, I think, it's got the whole room kind of in a tough spot. I think all of us are going, we were having a good, negative 58, pretty tough. That's bad. We were hoping for a length of,

would have been nice. Negative 58. I don't even know. I don't know what to tell you, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, okay, so let's do the math on this, because I like it. I like the uncomfortable reality of all this.

It's a negative 58, but you already paid your rent this month. What's your living situation? You have roommates? Yeah, so my mom passed away a few years ago. Oh, God. This is just going the wrong direction here. I got to tell you. So I just live with my father right now.

Yeah, I live with him. Your what? My father. Okay, where's that at? San Antonio, but I lived here with some roommates before, so, yeah. So that's good. So you have no rent right now. Is your dad charging you rent?

No, he's a good man, yeah. He is a good man. Yeah, absolutely. He's also the one that drank while he made you. Yeah, yeah, he owes me. Yeah, exactly. Big time. Just himself in the face.

Yeah, so no doubt he should be paying your rent. That is the least he could do. Yeah. And so you're in San Antonio. That's where you are right now. How often do you make it to Austin to perform? Every week, man. Every week I just try and come up here.

Yeah, absolutely. And you're doing open mics and stuff up there in San Antonio the rest of the week? Yes, sir. I got open mics and I work at the Riot Riverwalk comedy club down there. Oh, that's great. It's a good club. So you're getting spots there. You're getting open for people and guest spots here and there.

Yes, sir. Why don't you work at the comic club? I mean, they already have staff, and I want to be like a working comedian there, but yeah, they already have their staff. You got negative 50. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got their staff already picked out. But yeah, I do work there for a little bit. I do, like, door guy stuff.

So I do get some money there, so it's not bad. Yeah. Hmm. But you do drive? I don't drive. No, that was the point of the joke. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So we're at negative 58. does not drive. I would like to do comedy in Austin.

Lives in San Antonio. How are the numbers looking? Not good. I'm doing the math over here. It is real bad. It just has the word written down. Yes, John Dees.

We just took up a collection first. Oh, the band raised money. Oh, come on. It's incredible. Oh, my gosh. This is absolutely amazing. We got, thank you guys so much for this money.

I deserve it. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I love that the band finally paying it forward to the man that made it all possible for them. I got a Waffle House gift card. Oh, yeah. I'll put it in there.

Yeah. You can go be with other people. Throw a couple $2 bills in there. That's good luck. You need good luck is what you need. Oh, Francisco and Derek throwing in a 20. Red band, famously cheap red band, pulling out $4 $10 bills.

Wow. $10. This is incredible. We're going to help you, Lieutenant, man. We're going to help you. New Year's Eve, prostitutes, the whole thing. Anybody else? Anybody else have any cash out there, huh?

Any heroes? Here's a $100 bill from me. Here we go. This is the first time ever. Troy Conrad had the greatest photographer in the comedy industry is out there collecting. Chief, you're rich. Put some cash in the fucking mix, you fucking homo.

Oh, three-one-dollar bills from this cheap whore. Jesus Christ, she pulled those out of her panties from last night. Thanks a lot, lady. Okay, there's a 10 from that Jew over there. This is good. There's a 20. Troy, come on, keep it moving, Troy. Let's go.

Forty-five, 45, 45. Oh, oh. A 20 and a 5. Very good. This is all adding up very quickly. This is the first time in Kill Tony history. in which we've done a fundraiser. Grand total here.

Thank you so much. This is crazy. This is unbelievable. People are going to expect this to happen from now on. Here, give it to Sarah. Give it all to Sarah. Give it all to Sarah. We're going to get an official count.

Try to count fast, Sarah. How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, Troy Conrad, Colt. What a team we have. What a team we have. have here. You're going to about to get a bunch of cash, pal. Look at that. Someone's going to be getting a lot of

hand jobs this week. This guy's going to be getting milk like a cow out in the burbs of San Antonio. So let me ask you, was it an Asian massage parlor? Yeah, it was your classic Asian massage parlor.

Red band loves it. Yeah. Now, this is amazing. And did you get any of the actual massage because you seem like you could use some of that. Yeah, I could, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was your typical shitty massage. I don't really remember that part that much. Yeah.

Real massage. Francis. This is just, like, I'm not trying to be funny, but does your penis have cerebral palsy to? Or like, yeah. That's the only part that doesn't, so. Oh, really? Yeah, it kind of works out.

Hell yeah. The ladies go wild for that. Works out. I was going to ask, was your Asian massage therapist? Was he missing a tooth? So are we doing this or what? Wow. Okay, Daniel, this is incredible.

So your next move with this money, what are you going to do with it? What are you planning on doing with the fat stack of cash that Kiltim just raised for you? Saving it, maybe put it in the stock market, try to build up some money, you know? Let's keep it out of the stock market base.

I put it all in. to Chick-fil-A went public. Okay. Sarah, do we have a count? There's a lot. Do we have a ballpark as of now? Over $700. Damn, I have enough for full service now.

That's nice, dude. $745 and a Waffle House gift card. That is a real Waffle House gift card from the great Derrick. Dreams are coming true here on Kiltoni. Daniel, shout out your, like, social media so that people can follow you. I think you're a little star, so. I'm on Instagram at vintage. Daniel and on Twitter.

I actually don't know on my Twitter. Perfect. Twitter, yeah, Twitter at Comedy JPEG. So, yeah. Perfect. You're crushing it, buddy. Always hilarious. We love you.

First person ever get money on this show. So you deserve it. Congratulations. Thank you guys. Just a heads up for all bucket tools in the future. I'm never doing that again. So never expect that. It's never happening.

I swear to God. Thanks the audience, guys. You guys fucking killed him. You guys are the shit. Congratulations. I love you guys. Thank you so much. There he goes.

Daniel Velasquez, ladies and gentlemen. The American Dream. hobbling off to his next massage parlor. he goes. Look at that strut. Hell yeah. John Dees just said that one of his buddies is going to rob him in the alleyway right now. Oh my God. All right. We have a golden ticket winner here with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, we love her around here. She is a workhorse. She's one of our favorite people. Make some noise for the great. Aya, everybody here with a brand new minute. Oops. One of my closest friends is schizophrenic now. When I met her, she wasn't, but she was always a little bit off.

Like, when we were in high school, she could just look at a QR code and tell you where the link went. And during lunch, you could pay her to say the N word. $5 to say it, $10 to use it in a sentence. But she did too many mushrooms and then she became schizophrenic. And sometimes I worry because I love mushrooms. But I know I'm not addicted to mushrooms because I share. I share. And it makes me think that maybe black people are addicted to the N-word.

Because they won't share. Like, can I get a hit? The great Aya. You're right. They don't share that. Yeah, and sharing is caring. And much like mushrooms and that, I only do both at home when I'm by myself.

Amen, brother. One more time for Aya, another great minute. Absolutely. Original, adorable delivery. It's always fun having your style up here. How's life been going? Life's good. Yeah, that was a true story, though.

I have one of my close friends. She's schizophrenic. Shout out to her for that joke. And that really happened after a mushroom trip? Yeah, she was just doing too much stuff. And then, like, one day she came over to my house, and she was like, I've been talking to Hitler. Oh, shit.

And, yeah, like. So what did he say? Yeah, that's a good question. No, he told her to, you know, the shit about the Jews and... No, but all schizophrenic people talk to Hitler. That is something that people don't give him enough credit for. Being a good listener. Hilarious.

They really do. Yeah, it was tough to hang out with her all day. So I can only imagine what he's going through. Now, was she on, like, do you know if she was on, like, medication or anything for something else before this psychotic break? Or was she, like, mentally healthy before? Was it a shock? Like, no, like, you could, like, pay her to say the N-word, like, when she was young. So she definitely always something.

How much money? I only invested, like, $15. It's been proven, though. Daniel, I'm going to need some of that money. back. It's been proven, though, psychedelic speed up, you know,

schizophrenia. Yeah, yeah, it does. In some people, yes, absolutely. That is true. No doubt about it.

So, Aya, what else is going on in life? I'm trying to get into the, I'm trying to break into the fashion industry. Okay. I have an idea that I'd like to pitch to Christian Lubiton on your platform. Let's do it.

We know for a fact, Christian watches every episode of the, this show. He's a big fan of Hans Kim and many others. Go right ahead. Christian. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, whoa. Okay. So I have an idea.

And maybe the girlies will understand. The ladies will like this. So you know the Pilates' Grippies socks? Make the Grippies red, red bottom grippy socks. Whoa. It's a good idea.

Wow. It's actually a genuinely good idea. Red band wears grumpy socks after he visits the hospital after a mini heart attack. What do you think about? All right. I don't get it. Like, what's the red?

Well, I actually know about this because I listen to an incredible amount of the hip-hop industry. That there are fancy shoes called Red Bottoms. And they're made by Christian Lubiton. That is correct. And so, therefore, there is a market share in which he could be making Sox with red bottoms. Yeah. And they would get worn in and people would have to buy more of them

using some of that Apple ear pod energy instead of just a pair of shoes that will last a long time. I think this is a good idea, Aya. No, it is a good idea. Okay, thank you. Thank you so much. I came up with it. Yeah.

It's great. We'll have to see what happens next. Yeah. Derek, what do you think about all this? I thought the bit was great. That was definitely something with my accent I could not do on stage. But it's very funny.

It's fun when somebody like you gets up here where you're like small and unassuming and then you have these big hitting jokes that are smart. It's fun to watch that. Thank you. That's our blind bass player, everybody. Just coming back in from a little bathroom break if you're wondering what that noise was,

that is a blind bass player, everyone. Very rarely can you tell that he's blind? But I don't even think it was him that hit it. I actually think it was a producer there. Aya, you are awesome. That is another brand new great minute from you. You're fantastic. Everybody loves you.

You're on the rise. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. The great and powerful Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. We're going to keep it moving. We have another lady. We got three guys and three ladies so far here tonight. Make some noise for a holly, everybody.

Here comes holly. What's up guys? So I am a Jew. You're welcome or I'm sorry depending on who you are at this point. As a Jew, I do want to say I do believe in free Palestine but only because I love when things are free.

I just got married recently. Thank you. Yeah, it's really sweet. When I met him, he was homeless. Yeah, it was really sweet. One minute he was living in a box, and next minute he was munching mine. So he had a sign that said need money for food,

and I let him eat my ass. So he actually makes me so wet. We started calling my pussy the soup kitchen. What's wrong? You guys don't like soup? No, I, the only downside to being married is I can't do my favorite threat anymore. When I was single, I loved to threaten to fuck people. people's dads.

Because when you threaten to fuck someone's mom, they take it as a joke. But when you threaten to fuck someone's dad, they're like, please don't. He'll really do it. Thank you guys. That's my time. Hell yeah. Welcome, Holly. Is this your first time on the show?

This is my second time. Okay. A little different. You a little gothicer than last time? I was pretty gothy last time. I was the towed girl with taxidermy and whatnot. Oh, okay. All right.

Well, welcome back. Thank you. Heck yeah. I remember you. What happened? Why are you on crutches? I burnt dinner and I was talking back to the husband. I'm just kidding.

No, I was delivering DoorDash and I just took a bad fall down the stairs and I fractured two of my bones and my foot. Damn, damn. Does DoorDash help you when that happens on the clock? No. Not at all. Do you remember what the delivery was? It was Taco Bell.

Damn. See, isn't that just depressing? Um, go ahead, Derek. We've had quite a few people come out with some stuff going on. Welcome to kill Tony, there. I mean, it's pretty wild. I can't wait for a guy with a peg leg to show up. They got one back there.

I believe it. Be careful what you wish for. There was a time where Shane famously, as Trump said, when he bring out another fucked up person, Tony? And I go, it may happen right now. And a guy with little hands came out like that. Like, hey, everybody. It's like, it's one of the thing I've watched.

I've watched the clip like 500 times. Sometimes I watch it to pick up my mood a little bit. It's the greatest thing ever. It's just a moment in time. Comedians are like that, by the way. It's not like a kiltony thing. We forget, but like at the open mics and shit, everybody's hobbling and wobbling,

fucking missing an eye, this, that, everything. Yeah, she clearly accidentally hit a headstone. Yeah, exactly. She was just playing in the cemetery. Yeah, it is. You are a goth Jew, the very rare. Gothic Jew. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you, Holly?

When the blood and everything inside of you just... I mean, I do really like free stuff. You do. And I love money. I used to be a stripper. Last time I came here, I got a job at the strip club. That's right. And you were funnier than your boyfriend, right?

Is that right? Or we said that? The Internet is currently arguing about that, actually. Controversial finish. Yeah, the internet be doing that. But so how was the job? You got it at the yellow rose? Uh-huh, yeah.

I mean, I liked it at first. I realized stripping isn't really for me, to be completely honest. Right. People don't like tipping the strippers on crutches so much. I wasn't on crutches yet. No, I just decided it wasn't really for me. Got it. That makes sense.

Hey, some people grow out of it. That makes sense. Gothic Jew strippers. Rippers are a rare bird, I will tell you that. Actually, since I was last on the show, a bunch of people wanted to send me taxidermy in exchange for like only fans' pictures and stuff. So give us an example of what you've traded for your only fan.

I didn't. I didn't. But somebody wanted to send me a taxidermied iguana for feet picks. Red band? Red band. I remember when you bought that iguana. You were so excited about it. Daddy needs feetpicks of a Jew. So are you an only fan?

Jewish feet picks, no doubt about it. Are you an only fans right now? No, no. No, I'm not. People really wanted me to, though. So how are you making money now? Well, it was DoorDash for a little bit. I'm probably going to go into school for behavioral therapy, though.

Oh, wow. Oh, well, yeah. You're really switching to. it up. Yeah. Yeah, you are. I thought you're going to say regional manager for Hot Topping. I wish. Wow.

Well, Holly, fun times. You did it again. What size joke book did you get last time? A big one? Yeah. All right. There you go. Well, then you did it.

You got it. Here's another one. Here's another big black one. It matches your everything. Oh, so close. Very close. Very close. It landed in my tits.

Thank you. Yep. I always throw towards the tits. Thanks, guys. I always throw towards the tits. That's what I always say. Throw towards the tits. It's a fun job throwing joke books of people's tits all day.

All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Aidan McCluskey, everybody. Aidan McCluskey. Oh, yeah, here we go. Hey, how's it going? Nice. All right, cool. I'm doing good, I guess. I don't know. It's men's mental health month, I guess. I really wasn't aware there was a problem with men's mental health. Until I saw a TikTok that was like, hey, tell your boys that you love them. If you don't think there's a problem with men's mental health, text your boy at a late hour that you love him, dude. I texted my buddy who was like, 12.30 at night, I'm like, hey, man, love you.

He calls me immediately. Are you killing yourself? What's going on? I had a buddy once call me, tell me he was killing himself. Yeah, that sucked. I was like, why'd you call me? Why was I your first-round draft pick on that one, man? And he's going on and on and on. And he just finally hits me with, give me one good reason I shouldn't kill myself.

And I was like, you didn't give me a whole lot of time. time to study for this test, man. I don't know. Don't. And then I was like, wait a minute, I thought you were doing better than me, to be honest. And then I started thinking, I'm like, wait a minute, should I fucking kill myself? What the hell? So I'm like, well, I'll kill myself. Absolutely hilarious.

Aidan McClatsky. Very, very funny, man. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? Like seven years? Fuck, yeah. It definitely seems like it absolutely rock-solid the entire way through. human, present, and absolutely fucking hilarious. That was fantastic.

Appreciate it. Are you nervous or are you like a drug guy? Well, I'm nervous, but I also just like shake. Like I have. Yeah, I have. Well, it's not like my thing. I just like fucking shake. Like they're like, I don't walk in and they're like, that's the fucking shaky guy.

That's what I thought. No, no, no. That's like, I just do that. Is it really like drugs? I used to do a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Now it's just like...

Withdrawal. Now I just fucking shake. Oh, you just shake. Okay. Yeah. All right. What's going on, Aidan? How you doing, dog?

Good, man. Good to see you. I didn't expect to see you. Oh, nice. Like four years ago in Minnesota, and there was only about nine people at each show. We were at the Mall of America. Speaking of killing ourselves.

Yeah. Yeah, I had a lot of those thoughts that weekend, but I want to tell you, Aiden, I've seen your stuff online. You opened for me. You're a hell of a joke writer. Hell yeah. And seven years in, this guy's a dynamite.

Joke, right? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Great work. Great work. I love that. You live here now, Aidan? What's that?

You live in Austin now? No, I live in Minneapolis. Why do you live in Minneapolis? Just have a curiosity. I have a fiancé. Yeah. And she's a good job. Yeah, good job.

And her family's there. Yeah, that's basically what makes people live in Minneapolis. That makes sense. Yeah. Is that where you're from? No, I grew up in a small town, Galesville, Wisconsin. Okay. Yeah, shout out Gales, the big G.

Hell yeah. As people refer to it. You are hilarious. What do you do for a living? Comedy. Yeah, I do stand-up, but then I also like take care of an old guy. I used to be like a PCA and then I was going to quit and they was like, please don't quit. So I was like, all right, well, I'll work with just you.

So I work with him like six hours a week. So you babysit an old man? Well, I wouldn't say I babysit him. I mean, we hang out. We hang out. I shouldn't say this, but we smoke a lot of pot together. He's pretty cool. I'm probably going to get fucking fired for saying that, to be honest.

But I really hope my boss doesn't watch this. But yes, I do. I hang out with an old guy. We go to movies. We go to the grocery store. And then we smoke blunts in his apartment with the windows down. That's the shit. Yeah.

That's amazing. That's one of the best fun fact. That's one of the best jobs in Minneapolis, Minnesota right now. It is. Yeah. And that's the hospice. all need. Yeah, someone to take care of you.

Exactly. A blue dream on your way out. That's what we can only hope for when we're an old man to hang out with a young guy that's shakier than us. The shaky guy, yeah. What's the good job that the fiancé has? She's a software engineer. Nice.

Yeah. Absolutely. Woman in STEM, yeah. You see a lot of crazy stuff out there on the streets in Minneapolis that always, according to the news, there's always some absolutely nuts shit happening in Minneapolis. They make it seem that way, but it's usually like cordoned off to like a few blocks. And then I feel like the news sensationalizes it and people get this misconception. But there's a lot of nice people in Minnesota. I feel like you guys, if you want to visit, you should come and visit.

Fucking throw a brick through a window, light a target on fire. I mean, it's fun. I don't know. You are so funny. How long are you in town for? How long are you in Austin? I am in town until Saturday morning. I thought about leaving early to be.

I was actually, like, texting my fiancé being like, I don't know why I come down here every time I come. Last time I came, I got rear-ended in my fucking rental car. This morning, I got rear-ended again in my rental car. Might be the Shakin driving. That wasn't me. No, it wasn't The Shakin' at all. No, the Shaken didn't do that at all.

It was just, like, person texting on their phone. And then I got out shaking. Yeah. It's a lot of rea. She was like, why are you? Oh, it's the fucking shaky guy. No shit. That is a lot of rarer.

About you. Aiden, what brought you to Austin this week, just out of curiosity? Just try and come down and get into the club. I love it. I love it. I honestly, I've signed up for this like a bunch of times and have like left not getting on

and was like texting my fiance, I am going to leave. I don't know why I'm here. I hope I don't get rear-ended. Well, I'll tell you what. Have you been in the other room yet? Has the Booker gotten to see you? The Booker has gotten to see me

and that set did not go very well about two hours ago. Oh, shit. The same joke I actually, like, closed on I did over there and they did not fuck with me. Interesting. What the fuck? I was just going to send you up there,

but I can't have them see you twice in the same night. You should, but please. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, there. There you go. That's a big it. That's a real pain gig in Austin, Texas. That's a big joke book. You're as funny as it could be, Aiden.

There goes Aidan McCluskey, everybody. Thank you, guys. Hell yeah. That's what it's all about. I love it when actual, you know, up-and-coming fucking seven-year vets sign up for the show. I think it's the smartest thing they could possibly do. You come out,

best stand-up comedy fans in the world, people that are addicted to it and watch every single week see you. You get your name out there. He's certainly going to sell more tickets in his hometown and anywhere he goes from now on. So, congrats to Aiden McCluskey. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Paulina Perez, everybody. Paulina Perez. I'm a bi-Mexican girl, but I like to make bad decisions. So I usually go for men. and my standards for a man are pretty low. Like, you need to be nice. You don't have good morals.

But you have to be circumcised. You have to be circumcised. Because when I go down there, I don't want to be, you know, stroking it. And seeing the head pop out of the little hood, like, that's what it looks like, fellas. Promise you. When I was in college, I was really broke, so I decided to do what any brave woman would do for our great nation. and I decided to try out for a strip club. So I walked into the strip club and you know you have to dance for them.

You go, that was their exact reaction. So they hired me as the pole. Yeah, that's that one minute. Exactly a minute from Paulina Perez. Welcome, Paulina. How long have you been on stand-up? I started two months ago.

Nice. What made you want to start two months ago? When I had like a real job that I would just say really out of pocket shit. Yeah. What was the real job? I used to work at an AI company, I had a startup AI company. Okay. And you'd have to show up at the office for that?

Yeah, I did. Yeah. Be a goofy guy. Yep. At the office, yeah. So Paulina, is that true? You're a bi-Mexican? I am a bi-Mexican.

So what do you think your ratio is? Is it pure 50-50? Do you lean towards one or the other? Oh, I usually, I mean, I told you, I make bad decisions. I usually go for men. So, Mexican men, which is even worse. So you're just a normal Mexican. Normal Mexican.

No mamas, we. No mamas. We all like a little bit of women, you know? There's always some... Why do we say bi-Mexican like you're a unicorn? Like, you're like, I'm a bi-Mexican. Are Mexicans not normally by? No.

No, they're usually closeted woman. Oh. Yeah. Well, I learned that live. Yeah. Yeah. You can normally tell, I feel like, when you see a lesbian-ish Mexican lady because, like, they have, like, the hair and the face. It's like a round face.

They basically kind of look like Francisco. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Haircut. Yeah. It's no very lady-like Mexican-Lexican. It's always, uh...

Do we look alike? Is that what you're saying? Is that racist to say? I can be bye for you if you want to. I don't know. So Paulina, what do you... What is your favorite thing about hooking up with a lady? Ooh, uh, definitely the boobs. Men don't have that.

Wrong. I got a pair of tips for me to turn the day around. Yeah, yeah. Hey, catch me on a jog. I'll get you going. And I've got some pointy nipples. It's crazy. I got big areola. It's like they take up the whole boo.

All right. All right, Red Band. Very good. Fucking disgusting. So is it also only pretty much Mexican women that you like hooking up with? Yeah, basically. Right.

So being a Mexican, when you're being lesbianish as a Mexican, do you have trouble flicking the bean, or do you want to? just eat it because your people love beans so much. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay.

It was kind of a reach, a rare Mexican lesbian joke. But these are the shots I take, you know what I mean? You ever see Steph Curry before the game? He's like on the other side of the court shooting balls. It's not really supposed to be on the actual. Okay. Right, right, got it. I like eating bean.

What? I like eating bean. Perfect. Yeah, there you go. You set it. You can have that one. So Paulina, very, very interesting. What do you do for fun?

Well, I'm a writer. I write. What part of San Antonio do you live in? I'm not from San Antonio. I'm from California. I'm from Southern California. Okay. What part of Southern California? I'm from Riverside, California. Okay, yes, the San Antonio of California.

We know it very well. We know it. Sure. Very well. Yeah, I'm actually from like a rural area. So, like, the most interesting thing about me is that, like, on paper, I'm, like, a redneck Republican. Oh, interesting. Like, I, like, shoot ducks out of the sky for fun.

Okay. I'm a duck hunter. Okay. Francisco? All right. Does your family know your bi? Because in Mexican culture, you know, they don't like that. Yeah, yeah, they know.

They know? What do they say? Oh, putta. Yeah. Does your dad, Paul, know about this? My dad, Paul? Yeah. My dad's dead.

Oh, no. That doesn't hurt my feelings. Actually, he told me I could be whoever I wanted to. Before he died, he gave his blessing to be an LGBTQ community. Wow. Incredible. How do you die? Cancer.

When she told him. Very good. Yeah. He died from finding out his daughter was by. I do want to say there's two months in getting up in front of this audience. That's extremely brave. That is really good. Absolutely.

It's not for nothing. Thanks. Very confident. Thank you. I appreciate it. I completely agree. Paulina, any other crazy fun facts about you that you think make you different than other people? Well, if that wasn't, I mean, there's a lot.

There's a lot. I mean, I hunt ducks. I worked for AI. I'm a writer. I got this cool hair. What do you write? I write about AI, AI policy. I write about philosophy, about culture stuff.

I actually just wrote about Dave Shipp. Pell, too. I don't know. I just write about everything. Interesting. Yeah. Mexican AI, or as I call it, A.I. I. I. I. Oh, there you go. There's another one. You like that one. Better than the bean one. Better than the bean.

You actually took my joke. I have the joke that, like, the next, to get back at Trump, we got to elect Mexican as the next U.S. president. And instead of the IRS, it'd be the I-I-I-I-I-R. Okay. There you go. Yes. I-I-I is the thing

Mexican people be saying. And instead of Medicare, we'd have the Sana-Sanacolita of RanaCare. I'm going to check in with Francisco Ramos

on this one. I agree with that. Well, that's a good. Perfect. Checks out. You're very funny. Paulina. Here's a big joke book.

Congratulations. Two months in, you're on a great path. You're doing everything right. Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Paulina Perez, ladies and gentlemen,

and we keep moving on. Your next bucket pool. You guys having fun out there, huh? Just a reminder, Derek Stroop, nostalgic on Netflix. Francisco Romo is still learning. It's available everywhere. Amazon, Apple, YouTube, TV, everywhere. We're at MSG,

August 7th and 8th for you East Coasters, and as you now know, we are doing Las Vegas November 13th and 14th. So get out of the winter cold wherever you are and come hang out in Vegas for a fun weekend. A couple killtonies back to back on a Friday Saturday.

All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mark Cunningham, everybody. Hi, what's, uh, how you guys, ladies and gentlemen isn't doing tonight? A little nervous here. I'm in front of the legends here.

Dean fucking Martin over here with a cigarette. Shit, a fucking, you're so sexy, man. No, I'm gonna make a reveal. I want to make a reveal about Tony. We go way back. we, first time we ever had intercourse was in February. You remember that? Hey, this man's a sexy meme, bro.

Like, we, we, that was fun. I want to explain it. But after the, after I, after we had our intercourse back in February, Tony, Tony ain't gay, man. He's straight fucking, oh, man. Like, you should have seen it. It's like, it's like Heidi stuff over here, man. Like, bro, if comedy is this, let's go, bro.

Let's go, Deanie. I've never been more scared in my life. Welcome to the show, Mark. Have you ever done stand-up or did you just prepare that? I once fucked you fake monologue to... You remember.

Maybe I blocked it out. Maybe getting butt-fucked by the fucking the bad guy from Home Alone One. Who ended up being the good guy? So technically he wasn't the bad guy. Old man shovel slayer ended up being a hero in the end. And here he is

live in the flood. Hey, I ain't no Unabomber. I'm a lover. Okay. We get it. Are we going to be able to get anything real out of a possible interview with you or is this just go so have you ever tried stand up before yeah okay for how long how long you've been trying uh i played a lot of poker i've talked a lot of shit at a poker table okay so you've never done stand up mark and you're playing yeah i've done this shit okay so let's try it again here we go i don't stand up like three years yeah three years okay where at uh well i've been kicked out of a lot of places i can see why mark

But I'm starting to figure it out, I feel, because you brought me up here. Okay. Can you give us at least a state that you did stand up in? It's, well, I'm from a city called Slutsville. It's a very beautiful city. It's where there's a lot of community and love. And it's, have you ever heard of Oklahoma? No.

So Oklahoma, Oklahoma, yes, yes, we've heard of Oklahoma. Oklahoma means red people. So what Oklahoma means. And I'm a red person. Partly. Not much, but partly. Real Elizabeth Warren energies over here. That's about right.

Yeah. So, no, but seriously, like, if you guys have heard of Oklahoma City, they're world champions and blah, blah, blah, now you lost this year. But if you've ever heard of Tulsa and if you're dyslexic like Tony is. Yes, I'm a gay dyslexic man. If you spell Tulsa backwards, it's a slut. That's what they call it, Slussville. Amazing. So, Oklahoma.

We're lovers there. Yeah. You didn't believe that, did you? So let me ask you a serious question, Mark. Did you drive here or fly here from Oklahoma for this? Hey, I don't want to hurt nobody. I didn't drive. Well, if he gets enough copper, he'll drive back.

Yeah. It just depends on if he can get enough copper. Because trust me, where I'm from, I know what they look. That guy's here for copper, Tony. He's acting like he slept with you. He wants the copper off of the air condition. No doubt. Cadillax converter.

I wish I could tell the story about our first intercourse moment, Tony. But damn, impressive. Go ahead. Describe it more. I want to hear this fantasy that you've had. So this is the fantasy I had. So we're at Misty's over here next door. And...

Yes, Misties. We all love hanging out at Misty's. Misses. Yeah. And so it's got a lot of legend to it. It's like, the reason why they call it. Three years old, yep, go ahead. The reason why they call it that is pretty cool

because Mitzi was like this mafioso comic woman in L.A., and she gave Joe his chance, and that's why they call it Mitzis. Okay, Mark, I'm going to cut you off. Is that true? No. I mean, she was the creator of the comedy store. she created the layout of the modern showcase comedy club. She gave Joe an opportunity.

She gave everybody an opportunity from Robin Williams. What about fucking me? I wasn't there. Right. Okay. Mark, I'm going to help you out of here, Mark. Please, please. Here you go.

Here's a, here I'm going to give you that. Take that. There he goes, Mark. You got to hit it, buddy. We love you. There he goes. Mark Cunningham. Okay, there he is.

A real hero. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Mark. Thank you. Next time do a set, buddy. Try to do jokes. There goes, Mark Cunningham.

Wow. There's some real interesting people mixed in here. Again, I'm trying to find out of these people drive or fly. Like, it's like, and did they come just for this? Is it like, I'm in the mood for Terry Blacks. Maybe I'll sign up for Kill Tony. It's like, I don't, I can't fathom that people would fly here without preparing. It boggles my mind.

but this is the modern state of the world. All right, make some noise to your next bucket pool. Jimmy Fontaine, everybody. Jimmy Fontaine. Hell yeah. What's up? How y'all feeling, Austin? That's what I'm talking about, man.

I'm going to get ready to it, man. Shout out to everybody like to hold them to their high school wait. I got a homeboy, right? He called me the other day, and he don't think he got big. He called me. He was like, hey, yo, man, Jimmy, man. I'm done doing all this, man. I want to rob niggas, man.

I want to be a gangster. I don't think you could be a gangster. man. He said, why? Because we 33? I said, nah, niggas, you got hips. You can't be a gangster with hips, nigger. Leisure gave me my friend and you thick. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can't rob a bank with you, and we're going on in the way, and I start

hearing clapping. Because I'm going to clap right with you, bro. I'm going to clap. You know what I'm saying? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Those are not hands. Like, what the hell is going on, bro? Like, could you imagine, though? Like, we're robbing somebody, right? But they're blind. Right? And they ask us, have you seen the perp? He was like, nah, man, but I heard him.

He had size 12 He had tities and ass And it's crazy now Because like you gotta think about it Because like it ain't a regular line-up no more bro When they put us in this type of line-up brays You're gonna have to do physical activities now You know what police put us on in the line up

A bro, everybody started twirking and jumping up and down You're not crazy that out of being man That's my time man My name is Jimmy Fontaine man Thank you all for y'all I love it Jimmy Fontaine With a minute and energy Coming off of the last guy

Is a breath of fucking fresh air Fantastic You came here you prepared You're prepared, you planned, you performed. Amazing what you can do when given a magical opportunity like this. Derek. How long you've been doing comedy? Well, I started in 2017, but when I went to, I moved to Atlanta, so I started in Orlando.

And I moved to Atlanta, and because, like, filming everything, I took a whole year off. So I'll say eight years. Okay. Like four years started, one year off than four years ago. So you're an actor? Yes, sir. I do stunts and I'm an actor. Or small-time actor.

Stunts? Yes, sir. Which one? So I do a lot of Tyler Perry shows, man. So, like... Oh, hell. Yeah. Stunts and wigs.

There you go. Yeah. So, like, I've done, like, Beauty and Black. You know what I'm like? All his dramas and all that stuff. Nice. Yeah, you have a nice confidence. Like, when you came out here, I could tell, like, the room wasn't too big for you.

You were looking at the audience and, like, your delivery and pacing. And I think that's almost, I mean, writing is important, but also, you, I mean, you feel like you got the juice. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You kind of were holding court there, so I enjoyed that. I appreciate that. That means a lot, man. Yeah.

I love it. You are a true performance. Former Jimmy. How old are you? I'm 33 now. 33. You're killing it. And you still live in Atlanta? Yes, sir. Tell us about what it's like living in Atlanta.

Tell these boring white people what it's like out there. That. Everything you know about Atlanta is true, man. Like, you know what I said? I lived in Orlando for like 10 years, right? I leave my car window down. Downtown Orlando, nothing happened. I moved to Atlanta, man, someone stole my call at a convert out of my car.

In my apartment complex. Like, it's terrible. I'm not even a lot of like. Yeah. And I was at the Fox Theater. We was at the Fox Theater and we were just like doing the crew release of Black Panther. And like my car, my other car got broken into it. Someone took my gun, man.

It's terrible, man. It's hard being black in Atlanta, man. I like Atlanta. It's hard, you know, I mean, it's a different place. Everybody loves rap music to they're in a lyric, you know what I mean? Yeah, hey, look. Hey, hey, and for y'all that don't know, when you went a lyric, that means you, you know what I'm saying? You want a shirt now.

You got gun down. 100%. Yeah. mean by being in the lyric in the rap song. Either that or you got Rob. Hell yeah. And I missed it. Where were you before Atlanta? Orlando, Florida. Orlando. Yes, sir. Did you know Cam Patterson about it? Yeah, like Cam Patterson, David Jolly. Like those are like, yes, sir. Yep, that's our Orlando crew. You've you done like mics with Cam or like performed with Cam? Yeah, so like we started, oh, when Cal came in, uh, it's a famous mic in

Orlando called the other bar. They moved it to Harry Buffalo. So like, uh, which was called the Harry Buffalo. And that's when I kind of first met Cam. and David Jolly was always one of my mentors even when I didn't believe myself he was like, hey man, bro, you got it, you got it! You got it, man, get these motherfuckers neck! Yeah. So you always tell me.

Yep, David Jolly's a very positive guy. We love him. I love it. Jimmy, did you ever have a real job? Before that, I was in the military. So I did eight years in the military. I worked at McDonald's. Hell yeah. Appreciate it.

Appreciate it, man. Thank you. Thank you for your service. And Red Band, thanks you for your McDonald's service as well. I'm loving it. I kind of... What branch of the military were you? I was in the Army.

Okay. And what did you do over there? Give us a little breakdown over your eight years in the Army. So my job was 25 uniform, which is a signal support system specialist, basically all combo, right? So anything that happened to do

with, like, setting up the radios that we talk on, the radios inside the tank, the one, the OE254 cable was basically, like, the retrans cables and everything like that. That's what I did. And that was my actual job, but when I deployed, all I had to do was like fixed routers and Wi-Fi's.

Right. So, like, radio, like, you worked, like, in Best Bike, basically? I could, but, like, for some reason, your military training don't translate over to the civilian world. No. So, like, I had to go back to school for that. I was like, yeah, I am not doing that shit. Right. Yeah.

Well, that's perfect. Seems like you're loving your life. You have a girlfriend? I have a wife married. Matter of fact, we were married for five years. Our anniversary was June 13th just past. Nice. Five years.

Nice date. Good for you. What does she do for a living? She's got her degree in biology, so right now she's a dermatologist. She's a dermotill. She's a grower, which means they just take skin samples and actually, like, send it off to hospitals and everything to see if anyone got, like, skin cancer and things like that. Wow. Incredible.

Five years. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom five years? How do you keep things exciting? We honestly, sometimes we act like we don't know each other. You know what I'm saying? You have to refresh. That's great. That's good.

You have to refresh it every time. Gotta refresh it. So what we do is like, you know what I'm like, I act like I just met her all over again. So I was like, yeah, oh, how you doing that, sweetheart? You know what I'm saying? Like, I'll break in the house sometimes. I mean like, I feel like that's kind of like,

you know, that's like. So great. Francisco Rama. Is she black or is she what? Yeah, she's black. She's black, okay. Yeah, yes, sir. No, I just, I'm just like.

She's kind of used to it, my own. Yeah, you can't do the fake break into the house if it's a white lady. It doesn't quite work this thing. Listen. Ah! Amazing. That is so funny. You're a funny guy, Jimmy.

Tell us another fun fact about your life. Anything wacky about you? What's the whitest thing about you? You have like a Pokemon card collection or anything? What would surprise us? I really do have a Yu-I-Yo collection, though. But I think the whitest thing about me is like, I've done a lot in my

like I graduated high school I graduated college I have a bachelor's degree I feel like that's the white I'd be way we from man let the record show

that's technically the most racist thing that's been set on this episode I was so wild could you imagine let's reverse it I'd go have you ever done anything

white like graduate would have been by the way would have been hilarious I would have passed out from laughter but it may have been rough for some of the listeners.

Everybody knew I was joking. Stealing his weight rate. I don't know. I'll pay my bills on time, too, sir. Wow. Look at this. The people in Atlanta are going to be pissed at you when you go back there. Oh, man, I ain't trying to get jumped, man.

Oh, no. 33 years old. Yes, sir. Black folks have the best skin. It is incredible. Your skin, it's incredible. I would have never guessed 33. I mean, if you were at a fair, you'd be hell.

They'd never guess your age, Bubba. Yeah. 33. Good. That's crazy you said that by my skin, too, man. Because, like, last year I came down here for, like, the Moon Tower Comedy Festival, and a white lady said the same thing. Like, true story, she was like, oh, yeah, you got nice skin.

I wish I could rip it off and wear it. Wait, what? See, they always go a little too far, these white ladies. Did that lady have a dry vagina? How do I get rid of women? We didn't get that intimate yet, and we didn't get that close. Man, they always take it a little too far. You have nice skin.

I'd like to wear it. Yeah, we were at the Speakeasy last year. Do you have any kits? No, we don't have any kids. We have a cat, though. Okay. That's not what? That's the whitest thing about it.

Yeah. That is. Oh, I didn't, I thought everybody had cats. What colors? What colors the cat? We have a black short-haired cat. That's right. See, so it's pretty close to a kid.

Indoor or outdoor cat? Oh. Do you fight them? No. We don't do cat fights, man. It's an indoor cat, though. Like, she's afraid, like, she's been treated and everything. She doesn't go outside.

What's her name? Salem. Oh, nice. Very nice. Kind of, you know, saying like Sabrina. She up to any wacky business ever? Does she ever misbehave? No, actually, no, she doesn't.

She's amazing. Like, that's the one that I love the cat. I'm not going to love. Like, and I hated cats at first. I hated cats. And then... It was your lady that wanted the cat. Yep.

How long have you had the cat for? We had it for a year. January. 2015, or 2025 is what we got. Look at you. You remember the birthdays, the anniversaries. This fucking guy's unbelievable. And you can tell he loves that cat. Yeah. Yeah. I love

that. Yeah. Yeah. So let me ask you this. Did you guys go in on the, like, did you guys plan for the cat together? Or was she kind of like, I want a cat? And you're kind of like, I don't know. And then she just got the cat. Now, she asked me a couple of times. She was like, you sure? Like, I'm getting

because of my job and everything, working to film, she said she got lonely at the house. Yeah. So I was like, nah, I really don't want a cat because I don't want to have to clean up out there. And then she was like, you know cats actually clean themselves? I was like, all right, cool, we can try it. You know what I'm saying? You didn't know that? No, I did not. You didn't know cats clean? You thought they were like dogs? Yep.

I found out that you not, you can't, well, you could but you shouldn't wash a cat yourselves. Wait, you'll wash a cat? I love Francisco's follow. You did not know? You did not know cats are self-cleaning animal? Who did not? Who did not know that? Why do I sign Japanese? You thought you could wash cat?

I made you a little more Asian than you are there. You thought you washed cut? Amazing. All right, Jimmy, I feel like I could ask you questions forever. I just love your style and energy. Here's a big joke book. There you go. You're the man, Jimmy Fontaine.

Come back anytime. Sign up anytime. Yes, sir. Thank you so much. Shout out your social media, so people can follow you. Oh, you can follow me at Jimmy Fontaine S-C, J-I-M-M-Y,

F-O-N-T-A-I-N-E-S-C. What's the S-C stand for? South Carolina. I'm rural to board of South Carolina. Okay, awesome. There he goes. Jimmy Fontaine, ladies and gentlemen. We have one last fucking cool.

One of my favorite things about this show is some of my favorite door guys. Some of my favorite door guy comedians, you know, every door person here is a comedian, just like at the comedy store. And a lot of these people, just like at the comedy store, some of the most truly the most promising rising talents,

like undeniable forces that will be wildly successful touring comedians one day. This is, without a doubt, one of those guys. He's been on this show a few times, just organically pulled him out of the bucket. I'm pretty sure he's working a shift here tonight. One of the best writers, one of my favorite humans in the club, Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Miles Johnson, everybody. Hello, hello, white people. It's good to see you all.

I love whites. Whites are great. It kind of makes, it just, thank you. It just kind of makes this next part a little harder to say. If what the liberals have been telling me is true, white slavery is coming. I understand it's not the best news to hear from me. I get it.

I'll be good to you, all right? I don't want one, all right? I'm a nice guy. Can you imagine a guy like me, guy in glasses? Just fucking, just fucking... Oh, boy. Come here, boy. Oh, God, that feels right.

Your name is Davion now, boy. Some poor white guy just fucking... Freak of nature, writer, performer. Truly. One of the funniest. people I know, Miles Johnson. Miles, you're hilarious. Thank you. You're always so funny.

Truly a freak of nature. How's life going? Pretty good. I didn't think I was going to go up. I smoked like a whole joint in Mitzis. Nice. Hell yeah. Do I seem high? No.

I mean, besides your shirt being tucked in, no. But I do that. I take dabs. Sometimes I'll rip one, I'll go, I think I'm gonna tuck it in. Yeah. I thought they would like it. You just ride a little lightning. Absolutely.

Ride a little lightning. Did you tuck it in after smoking? Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those anxious, uncomfortable tuffs. You go, do I look real high now? Yeah. A man with a shirt tuck could never be high. That's right.

I'm a businessman. You don't normally. It backs out. It's a little belly mullet. It's a little mullet, actually. Front's tugged. Back's a party. Very funny stuff, man.

Yeah, very. That was, that original comedy is so fun. Not like worn out premises and stuff. Like, I've never seen anybody do a joke like that. And it was great. It really was. The Luke Bryan part. Had your boy in a headlock.

I like it. Luke Brian. That's great. Always the writing on you is what stands out above and beyond. Have I had you do that favorite joke of mine on this show before? The one. Did you do that before? I did it the first time.

Well, you do it again. Do it again for these people. It's so. And I've built it up a little bit. So just pretend like everything is fucking normal. But I swear to God, it's so good. It's incredible. Untuck the shirt.

Untuck the shirt. It's the only thing that... No, it's helping, it's helping. It's the only thing that could mess this up. There you got. Put my pants out. Maybe tuck it in in the back a little bit. No, I'm kidding. I'm joking.

Oh, I got it. Hey. Do you think pedophiles would like kids with big dicks? Because you think like they would, right? You think they would. But at the same time, same time, you know. The same time they see a kid with, I'm a little high.

I got it, I got it. You think they'd like kids with big dicks, but at the same time, you think a guy, you know, a little pedophile gets a kid with a big dick, and he goes, get the fuck out of my... Get the fuck out of my van, you horse dick freak. If I wanted to suck a man's penis, I'd just be gay. See, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

It's an unbelievable joke. We got there, dude. We got to it. So great. I knew it'd be worth it. You are high as fuck. I don't know if I was. I didn't know.

I thought it was about the end. It was. You were the last bucket pool of the night. It happened perfectly. I like the fact that you're high as fuck. Thank you. Feel more natural. You speak faster?

Or like, or like, now that you're high, you're like, because I thought that was your thing, like, being high. But like, when you're not high. people that. What? But not like when you're not high, like when you're high, are you faster when you speak fast? No, I was being, I think I was trying, I'm actually really slow. I was trying to, I was.

What the fuck? I was trying to. I was trying to make it faster because it's a minute. But it's a long, it's actually a really long joke. No, because I like how you started because you took, how you took, you took. He is very connective. Every time I've ever seen him, he doesn't rush anything. He like, really lets the crowd feel him out.

and connects with everybody and then executes. Now, Francisco, you don't smoke that much pot, right? You got fucked up. I mean, I was at the comments. Pretty epic, pretty epic story. And with Woody Harrelson, Austin, Texas resident, and one of the all-time greatest everythings, especially people to hang out with, period.

They say don't meet your heroes, for the love of God, Meet Woody Harrelson if you get a chance. He's the coolest guy on planet Earth. And a fun fact about Woody is he grows his own extremely organic marijuana. And I've been lucky enough to smoke with all the greats. I think I've mentioned this on the show before. Snoop this, that, everybody. And Woody Harrelson by far has the best marijuana on planet Earth.

And he has the best personality on planet Earth. So when you're around him, you tend to smoke. People that don't smoke tend to smoke around him. And people that do smoke, tend to smoke more than they would normally smoke around him. Because it's really good. It's not like, I don't feel good, pot. It's like so good until you smoke too much.

And Sweet Francisco during the Netflix as a joke festival, smoke too much. And he did what we've all done at some point and greened out. And I don't know if you guys have ever done this before, where you kind of fucking kind of faint out. But he got caught midair by me, Woody Harrelson, and some of Fiona Colley's wheelchair. And Woody, who I'm guessing has done this perhaps tens of thousands of times

because it has to happen around him a lot. Absolutely was the first thing that Francisco saw when he came back to and opened his eyes. And it's just Woody Harrelson right in your face going, it's all right, buddy. You're going to be good.

You're good, pal. Just breathe. Come on, we got you. All I here was like, Woody's here, buddy. Woody's hair. And I'm like, what the fuck's happening? Am I in a movie?

What the fuck? And in real time, I'm like, this is the highlight of anybody's Netflix as a joke festival, like getting too high with Woody Harrelson. Did he do like the wobbly, like, I'm about, or did he just fall down? Like, what happened? I just fucking passed out. No, he did what everybody does, and I've done this many times. It's been a while, but bad used to do it way back in the day,

is that you try to escape. because you don't want anybody to see you kind of not feeling good. I want to come out. I need to get some fresh air. We were outside, exactly. And that's always how it is. It's always like, I just have to go to another area. That's going to make me feel better.

And he was walking fast. It's impossible to describe, but God, I wish I could paint the picture because there were so many people and there's like this much space to get through. And Francisco was jogging kind of through people for this great escape. And then he made it like right here.

here, Woody's right there, and Fiona's wheelchair is right there, and just kind of, and we all, like, caught them. What was my point? I don't remember, but it was, it's just an epic, epic story. Francisco and I, when you started the comedy store 19 years ago, you don't think you're going to have fucking, you know. Woody Erickson doing breathing exercises with. He was like, come on, buddy, just inhale. One, two, three. I was like, what the fuck? We did it all. Miles Johnson, I find you to be so fucking funny. I'm going to do something special here

that I don't think I've ever done before. And I'm going to award you a panel position on an upcoming episode of the show. I think it's time that the little baby boy is all growns up. We could sit here and jam an episode. And you'll be on the whole goddamn show. And I'm looking. I'll be on the Secret Show Thursday.

If you want to be on the Secret Show Thursday. the Secret Show as well. Amazing. A wild success. Truly. That's the future right there. Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah, brother.

You're the man. One more time for Miles, everybody. I'm telling you, he has so many fucking great jokes like that pedophile one, but the pedophile one was the one that I fell in love with. I would just be gay if I wanted a horse guy. He's my favorite kind of comic,

like silly, goofy. He's great. He's so good. Takes his time. I'm fucking feels the crowd, always different. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've made it to the end of the show. And if you guys are fans of the modern era of Kiltoni, you will know that our current undisputed, undefeated, most powerful regular is just on the other side of that curtain.

He is an anomaly, his fucking writing, delivery, everything. Absolutely incredible. I'm just a super fan. I get to sit back and be a fan for a minute. single week that I bring this guy out. Make some noise for a brand new minute from The Real Deal. This is Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen.

Other night I was out on a date with this girl, told me she was wearing a butt plug. I was like, that ain't stopping me. Nice try. Sloppy top. Are we familiar with that term? All right, well, if you're not, it's when a girl gives you a blowjob, and she's, She's retarded.

And getting a blowjob from a girl with braces can be dangerous. So make sure she's old enough. One time I hooked up with the girl so big, one plan B wasn't enough. Had to get her Plan B plus. Which is just a hokey with fat and all in it. Okay. Good Lord Almighty. How incredible.

Thank you, Tony. That guy knows my name. Yes. It is indeed, Pat O'Neill. Scary. Yeah. You've been getting that a lot? You got people yelling at you on the streets yet?

Yeah, yeah. One fucker waving to me at the window at a stoplight, which I found very... Yeah. That was the most annoying. No, no. Yeah. Get scary out there sometimes.

Yeah. Imagine what it's like for them to see you. I know. God. Look away, I say. Incredible. Derek. I, uh...

The joke writing's next level, Pat. That was so funny. But I gotta say, it was a little triggered with the Hogi Fetanol because your boy could fall for that. Yeah. You know? That sounds like something that would happen to me. But great stuff, man.

Thank you. So good, man. Like, I love also that... Oh, yeah. Whatever that is. Oh, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about with that. No.

Don't act like you don't have a little beetle juice. What you're doing it now? I don't know what he's talking about. So fucking fun. Pat, what's been going on in life? Working on a podcast, getting some wildly mixed reviews, but I am working on it. Yeah. They will, you can't really, you have to make it for you, not for them.

Yeah, I agree, yeah, yeah. So what are you doing on this pod? Tell us about it. What's the plan? Is it called Pod O'Neill? It's called Ray Guitards. What? What?

What? But I agree. Do it for you, Tony. Yes, that's what I'm doing. I literally don't know. I took your advice. Ray Ketard. Geetards. Say it again, all together.

Ray, Guitards. I don't know what that lady's talking about, but... Got it. Got it. Ray Guitards. Yes, that's actually brilliant. Now that I deciphered it, I think it's great marketing.

It's something. And is there something that you, how do you do this pod? Is it just you interviewing your friends or what is it? There's another great comedian here who works another great doorman, Grant Adcock, and then some other fucking guy. Grants the shit. Nice. Hell yeah, all very funny people, I think.

Whoever the other guy is might be funny too. Is it a third guy? Yeah, yeah. Okay, perfect. And how many episodes have you done? Like six. Got four of them out. Got it.

And when you say reviews, what are you talking about? They want video, but I don't want people looking at my face. And, you know what I mean? What I talk about is my business. And my opinions don't represent Kill Tony or the show. You don't think people would want to see your face, your hilarious face, the trademark, iconic, unbelievable that it's real. Pat O'Neill's face.

Maybe I'll rethink it. Well, what about $5 a month you get to see your shoes? 10 to ours you get this year? Yeah, yeah. We'll incorporate some feet picks. Hell yeah. I can't imagine what those feet must look like. Oddly hairy toes I'm imagining.

That's what I picture. Well, that's fun, Pat. Starting a pod. Ray Guitards. Yes, yes. Thank you. Yes, absolutely. I get it now.

What else, Pat? Anything else crazy going on in life? I've got some Hollywood folks doing some shows for me, so I'll fucking finally be leaving Austin doing some shows in the near future for so you're gonna find folks out there going to visit Hollywood tour this great country of ours

absolutely now's the time to do it you are on fire you are on top of it all I mean if I was no matter where I was I would make a long drive to see you he's actually coming to San Diego with me next fuck yeah San Diego with Redband that's awesome yep I'm taking you with me

to a giant venue in Toronto this week Yeah, yeah. This won't come out, so no spoilers. I'm going to be with Tony, too, in Toronto. Yeah, it's going to be great. It's going to be a lot of folks. Yeah, a lot of folks.

Speaking of Toronto, do you have a girlfriend? Wait, what? Well, based on my set, I clearly, yeah, and I get around, you know. Oh, okay. I didn't know if you had one that you came home to after the night ended. Yeah, yeah. You do? The one with the butt plug.

Oh, okay. I thought that that was just a date. I didn't know that there was a permanent situation. Mm-hmm. Okay, well, I just learned. that. What a wild relationship. Just going to Chili, she's already got one plugged in. I like that.

That's a different triple-dipper. Pat O'Neill, you're just an absolute icon, dude. I fucking love you. You are what it's all about. Thank you so much. Thank you. He's the man. Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen,

and we did it. Do you guys have fucking fun tonight or what? One more time for Derek's truth, nostalgic on Netflix, and unbelievable debut appearance here on Kill Tony as a guest. One more time for the great Francisco Ramos. The legend, my boy, my brother. We started together.

We waited in lines in L.A. And out in the sun, outside of the laugh factory, outside of the comedy store, hoping to get up so that we could do three minutes of fucking material. We're fucking doing it. At 6 p.m. on a Sunday. and we are doing it.

Still learning is a brand new special is out on everything. Amazon, Apple, and YouTube TV. Thanks again to Ted Schaefer at Sweetwater Audio. Again, we are at Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th, for the third year in a row. Unprecedented. The first ever podcast to do Madison Square Garden is doing it for its fourth and fifth times.

I did stand up there one of the nights last year. And I said, fuck that. Let's do Kill Tomewerell. Again, two times in a row. We got the whole crew there. Why not? Vegas, November 13th and 14th, just announced. So that's fun.

Come visit us there. And fantastic stuff. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. It's great. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa, Pat O'Neill is the Joker. Look at that. Fucking awesome.

God, he'd make a great Joker. I'd never pictured that before. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, thank you to the audience. Thank you to everybody. How about one more time for the best band to land, Red Band? Secret show every Thursday, sunset strip atyx.com. We love you guys.

Good night, everybody.