KILL TONY - KILL TONY #774 - JOE DEROSA + MIKE FINOIA

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

Joe Derosa, Mike Finoia, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 05/04/2026  THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Money is on the line. Always say hello with QUO. Try it for free & get 20% off your first 6 months at https://Quo.com/KILLTONY Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Great news, everyone.

You have a chance at seeing Kill Tony Live on November 13th and 14th in Las Vegas, Nevada. Get out of the stormy cold blistering weather wherever you are and take a nice little weekend trip to Vegas to see two brand new live episodes of Kill Tony, November 13th and 14. Tickets go on sale tomorrow morning, July 7th at 10 a.m. Pacific time using the promo code Kill 2.6 at Ticketmaster. That's Las Vegas, Nevada at the MGM Dolby Live Theater, November 13th and 14. Tickets on sale tomorrow. The special pre-sale code is Kill 2.6. Don't miss this opportunity. For a brand new episode.

Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Trace Leches, Michael Gonzalez, Natchez Belgrade, Matt Mueling on the Electric Guitar, and that is D. Madness, live in the flesh. The great John Bees, it's on the road. tonight, so we're leaving his stool empty in memory of him, even though he's alive and well. Oh, Dee Madness with extra room. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah.

You're not missing much, Dee. You're not missing much. Yes, you are blind. All right, Dee. Blind, I wish he was mute. You know what I'm saying? Hey, come on now. Let's go. All right. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This episode of the number one

live podcast in the world is brought to you by Shopify, Toccovas, and Saley. How exciting is it to have Saley joining our squad? And here's a little bit more from all the amazing sponsors that made this show possible for you, here, right now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Oh, my God. What an episode we have for you, ladies and gentlemen. One of, really two of the best comedians in the world, but one of my best friends is here

with us and a first-time panelist that were very, very excited. excited about one of our very funny friends from New York and one of the newest great residents of Austin, Texas. Two of the best. Make some noise for tonight's guest. Joe DeRosa and Mike Benoia, everybody. Exciting. And Joe DeRosa back again.

A guy that people say, I book too much. Really? This guy's got no other friends in the world other than Joe DeRosa, Joe DeRosa, Joe DeRosa. That is true. You might be my only friend. What do you think that says about me? Oh, go ahead. We're going to have some fun.

Mike Finoya, welcome, welcome. How are you? Everybody say hi, Mike. Hi, Mike. Hey, everyone. It's going to be a lot of fun. Mike, it's your first time on. Joe's done the show a thousand times.

But Mike, you might not know. I'm going to catch you up. There's over 200 human souls that signed up for tonight's show. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. which interrupts their set

rudely and then I conduct a nice interview with them and find out more about them anything can happen. Maybe it's a crazy person, maybe it's a genius. We found them all out of this bucket. I'm going to have this guy

whose eyes are way too close together. Pull the first name out of the bucket. They might have an operation for that, sir. His wife is patting him on the back because she knows it's true. You look at those things. It's almost a fucking cyclops. It's unbelievable, sir.

Like when you just did that, he just laughed like that and his fingers were so close together. Oh, you're making me tear up. Unbelievable. Unbelievable what my fan base looks like. Look at these monsters that I've created. Oh, boy. We're having fun here tonight.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Well, we go wrangle that first comedian. We have a golden ticket winner who's going to do a brand new 60 seconds for you. We don't get to start tonight's. I see this guy that often. We are excited that he's back.

Make some noise for the return of Mason Bird, everybody. Our first minute of the night, Golden Siga winner, Mason Bird. Life is like a box of chocolates. Fat, people finish it a lot faster. I'm fat, but I'm working on it. Like, I learned how to make Caesar dressing from scratch the other day.

What you do is you take Greek dressing and you stab it in the back 23 times. If you don't get that joke, you're fucking stupid. Idiot. No, I live with a lady, you know, and she likes to do this thing when we argue. Like, she likes to attack my masculinity. The other day, she was like, be a man, kill that bug. That's so unfair.

I can't be like, be a woman. Take care of me. Run your fingers through my hair. Because that'd be a very inappropriate. thing to say to your mom in your 20s. No, actually, I live with a lesbian, which is something I suggest you don't do unless you want to find out how much pussy you don't get, dude.

Thank you. Fuck yeah, Mason Bird. Love it. Welcome back. Thank you, thank you. Mason Bird. Is that true you really live with a lesbian? I used to, it was, yeah. What was that like, tell us something about that? Um, I fell in love with the lesbian and, uh, she didn't love me back.

And then I moved to Texas and this... You guys were dating? No. You found a place that was, a room that was for rent. No, I worked with this lesbian. She was like, we'd be great roommates. And I was like, yeah. Where were you guys working at?

A bar. I was a cook. She was a waitress. Did she think you were a lesbian? I mean, I get that a lot. Did you have the beard back then? No. Wow. Yeah, I'm pretty, it's pretty bad. Yeah, you look.

Yeah, you would look like that without that. Yeah. Mike Benoya. Did you ever express your love to this lesbian? Oh, yeah, it was so bad. Early on or after you guys lived together? It was after we lived together. It's such a lesbian thing for even, it's so amazing.

You guys moved in and then. Sully but surely. So quickly. That's such a lesbian thing. thing to do. Yeah, I got a work on that. Lesbians, yeah. So what happened when you told her you loved her?

She told me she wasn't interested, and then she had sex with, like, two women that night, so. So they would just be in the other room? Oh, yeah, it's just chaperone and finger blasting all the night along, dude, it's just LED lights under the floor. I'm playing Fortnite with the boys again. Yeah, everything's great. Yeah.

Unbelievable. You had a good thing going and you fucked it up, man. You could just listen to the lesbians have sex all night and jerk off

in the quiet of your own fucking room and then you barge in, I love you! I just blew the whole fucking thing up.

Yeah. And by the way, I don't do this show too fucking much. I wasn't ready for that when I walked out here. I do the show too much with this gaggle of

fucking goofballs you bring out here week after week. Oh my God. It just hit me. By the way, this is how he invited me to do it today. He texts me, he goes, buddy, can you panel tonight? Everybody is out of town.

Fucking dickhead. All right. I thought I had Mr. Beast. For some reason, I had Mr. Beast and Mike Finoya in my calendar the whole time. I texted Rogan. He's like, no, that's in July or something. I'm like, oh, fuck. I put it in the wrong month.

Like, do you have a contact for Mr. Beast? So you guys were that close to having Mr. Beast. Instead, you have Mr. Least over. right here. Mr. Beastiality. You fucking pig. Hey, Mason Bird's still here. Mr. Feast.

So how did the lesbian roommate situation end? I know there's so much other stuff we could talk about, but it's so intriguing. Yeah. So we worked together and... What was the job? I was a... I was like a sous chef. She was a waitress.

She was actually the owner's little sister. And I threatened if she didn't move out, I would quit. And she moved out. Probably didn't take much convincing. No. I helped her. I moved her couch out of my own apartment. It was, yeah.

I'm a nice guy. What can I say? Wow. Amazing. What else is going on, Mason Bird? What's going on? My sister had a baby. Your who?

My older sister had a baby. She didn't know she was pregnant the whole time, but... Whoa, one of those, huh? Yeah, half black. What are you gonna do? Bigger lady. But no, that's the thing is I'm... Like, she's not fat enough for that to be the case.

Her baby daddy's name is blue. He's a black guy. I don't know. Black and blue. How did she not know she was pregnant? I think she's lying. Yeah. Wait, Blue the black man got her pregnant?

Yeah, he's 5-2. He's kind of adorable. It's been to prison. Is this all true? I can't tell if you're like trying to be like funny. No, I'm just... How could your sister not know she was pregnant? Um, I don't know. She had two kids prior.

I think everyone hated her boyfriend, so you just lied the whole time. And then one day in January, she was like, you have another niece. Is that the first black kid or the other two black two? Other two are black. Wow, so there's a little gang of them, huh? Yeah.

Is that DNA test called Blues Clues? Ha, ha, ha, yeah. Love it. They are your blood now. And your crips. Yeah. Getting big dicks back in the bloodline, you know. I'm a big fan. I'm a big... You guys are a very patriotic family. You have red, your sister's white, and he's blue. Have you ever said hello to your little black nieces and nephews? The first two, I haven't met the new one yet.

Well, they're pretty cool. He'll be calling you any day now with his one phone call that he's allowed from prison. Hey yo Uncle Mason Give me out of these motherfucker I'm just kidding They're not all misbehaviors You know what I mean There's some good ones out there

I'm kidding I was pointing at you D Didn't get the laugh I thought it deserved but Mason Thanks for getting tonight's show Started for us Golden Ticket winner Mason Bird

We're moving to the bucket Ladies and gentlemen So I didn't begin May God have mercy on our soul as we find new people. Oh, I can tell you for sure that this is the first time this guy's been on. I would know this name,

so we're all going to watch them together. Remember, they signed up for this show. They've been waiting for hours for this opportunity, every single one of them. So I say, give it up for the first ever appearance of one Dan Man band. Here we go.

Okay, if you do enough drugs, you will do. definitely meet God. That's a fact. And if you keep doing drugs, God'll be like, what the fuck are you still doing here, dude? Pick up all these cigarette butts. You got fucking empty beer cans everywhere, empty fucking everything. Get your fucking life together, dude. Get your life together. Maybe get a job. I got a better idea. Why don't you go down? Drive 19 hours down to kill Tony.

I got a beat for you, dude. This came straight from God, by the way. Holy shit, dude. Stop, stop, stop, stop. One Dan, man, ban. All right, that's where you stop just making noises. Stop. Oh my stop?

Yes, I want you to fucking stop. Okay. God, I see how you ended up in this place in life. Okay. It's unbelievable, I bet. Is that what you were saying to God when he was supposed? talking to you? Okay. Clean up the drugs.

Gane up the empty beers. Get a job. Drive to kill Tony. What the fuck's going on, dude? Are you Dan? Yes. All right, I'll call you Dan. How old are you? Daniel Harder, yeah. How old are you? 38. What made you come down here tonight

and do that? I am a fan. You're a fan? Yeah. Okay. But what made you do that instead of that? Those are the fans. That's where the fans normally goes out there. What do you mean? Well, you didn't do any jokes. You basically said that your life was fucked up, and then one day, God said, get off the drugs,

clean up the beer, get a job, and drive to kill Tony. There's nothing funny that you said in there. Did you notice that on your 19-hour fucking drive here? You didn't think about what you might say at all if it happened? I did, yeah. Have you ever done stand-up before? No. Okay, so you just signed up randomly without ever trying anything.

No, I play music. Wisconsin and I play bars and sometimes I sometimes I riff and I'm funny and I and I I'm fan of the show and I just you know I wanted to come down here and try it and yeah I get I get I get this I get it I get what's going on but it it just hit him holy shit I want to kill Tony what the fuck wait what am I doing I spent I spent the whole week at the sphere, at fish on mushrooms, that's the most psychedelic thing I've seen all weekend. Pretty wild.

I mean, Dan, it's absolutely incredible that you would just jump right into this. Is it really? Yeah, man. Yeah, dude. It's a comedy show. The whole point is that people are trying. I get that.

There's other people. There's somebody... I feel like I did. There's somebody over there tonight that signed up right alongside you. It didn't go how I wanted that. Okay, you go ahead. Dan. You go. I bet it didn't. All right, Dan. There you go.

Let me tell you how crazy it truly is. Yeah. I've been doing this show for about 10 years. Something happened when he was on, when he was doing his thing that I've never witnessed. He goes, I drove 19 hours down here and you went, ugh. I know.

I know. Normally you don't hear that because there's some laughter happening in the crowd, but at one point I also think I stopped breathing during that set in an unconscious chance. to kill myself. Dan, you should know better. You should have written something or tried something,

but, you know, let's talk about it. How bad was the drugs and the beer and everything? Did you really change your life recently? Simple question. No? No? No. Okay, perfect.

There he goes, Dan, everybody. You get nothing. You get nothing. There he goes, everybody. That's fine. Just leave it there. There he goes, Dan. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen,

live in the flesh. I mean, what a specimen. Am I right? YouTube adds three pounds. So this is what she looks like in real life, everyone, just to let you know. One more time for the lovely Heidi. Go to Heidiregina.com.

Check out her new pod. Hello, everybody. You know that moment where you text your whole team? Did anyone follow up with that one guy? You don't hear anything. something, tumbleweets, silence, one thumbs up emoji, two hours later. Meanwhile, the customer has already moved on, gotten married, started a new business and retired.

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businesses that already rely on it to stay reachable and look professional every day. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash kill Tony. That's QUO.com slash kill Tony. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket and makes some noise, ladies and gentlemen,

for Otis Hicks. Otis Hicks, everyone. Here we go. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How we doing? I'm a father. My daughter was getting cyber bullied. I didn't know what cyberbullying was, you know.

You know, I thought, I growing up I had a real bully. You know, I wish I would get hit with emojis instead of getting hit in the fucking face. You know, I got teased before I ever went to school. Somebody coming to me like this. Otis, you're big-headed, you're black, you're ugly, and your mom doesn't love you. Now go to school, son.

My dad wants to cyber bully, your sensitive bitches. And growing up, I saw this 10-year-old with like an iPhone, 10 years old. When I was 10-year-old, I didn't get no iPhone. My dad just bought me an iPatch. He said, here, become a pirate. Here's a treasure map. So you can find your real dad. My dad was an asshole.

And that's pretty much all I got. Thank you guys. Exactly a minute from Otis Hicks. Welcome, Otis. Hell yeah. Where are you from? El Paso, Texas. El Paso. Yes.

You still live there? Yeah, still live there. You born and raised there? Born and raised there. Wow. Chicken and tamales, man. Man, I drove through that place. I'm gonna drive out here and holy fucking shit, man.

It's really something else. It is something. Nothing like it, far from everything. And I'm half Puerto Rican, by the way. Oh, shit. So I'm half black. Yeah, my black Rican, yeah. You'll take my wallet and then blow the money on gold chains for new reasons.

Pretty much. It's pretty accurate. Incredible. But when you made that joke, doing that roast, with Puerto Rico and stuff, I mean, that's my family, but it is slightly accurate. It's a lot of garbage debt. Very accurate. Yes.

It was spot on. I wasn't calling the people garbage. It was an island made of garbage. Thank you very much. Very important. Very important. I got that. I got that.

I got that. I got that. How long have you been doing stand-up? For about 10 years. 10 years. Yeah, man, because your writing is good, man. I really admired how you would start with one thing and then hop off of it. into the next thing. Like, for instance, the iPatch thing.

Yeah. You got to laugh on iPatch, and then you were like, oh, I can spring into what is a pirate do, treasure map, real dad. That's good, man. That's good writing. My dad being an asshole and a drunk helped a lot too. That's true? Yeah. Unbelievable. Stereotypes. Yeah. So I'm guessing the mom's Puerto Rican, right? Yes, right on the head. Absolutely. Right on the head. And Otis, what type of work do you do for a living? Well, I'm a security guard, but the thing I was doing before,

I worked at a sex shop. Ooh. What were you doing there? I was selling dicks. That makes sense. I could see how your people would be good at that. Yes, yes. That's what I was doing, selling dicks. Amazing.

So it was mostly women that would come in there? How would you feel when a dude like me would walk in and go, hey, what do you got for this fucking gaping asshole? I'm gay. I'm gay. I'll give you the 12 inch of the Darth Vader. I'll be like, there you go, Tom. I love Darth Vader.

Fuck yeah. Take me to the dark side. I love it. Shoot your Sith on my face. Tony's like, but guys are allowed in there too, right? Hell yeah. Yeah, those rooms in the back and all that stuff. Of course.

I've been there. Like I said, I drove through once. I had to stop off in the gay back room, you know what I mean? How old did you say you were? Me, I'm 34. 34, a security guy. You're in good shape. You look like jog DMC.

Pretty much, yeah. A run DMC. Yeah, man, I work out, man. You're in good shape. Plus, you work at a sex shop and you mop up managers, you know, you kind of get kind of strong at this. Amazing. Now, where's the place you're working security now? Sun City Security.

It sucks, but I work it. Well, I mean, but what type of gigs are... What are you standing in front of exactly? Mostly, like, restaurants, like Chico's Tacos and stuff like that. Is there a lot of misbehaving at Chico's Tacos? Yes. What goes on there? Give us an example of what type of mess you're cleaning up nowadays.

Basically, it's like tomato juice, tamales. And usually Cholos fighting in the parking lot. I have put together a lineup for you to pick the criminal out of it. It's the horn players over there. Okay. Which one of these people? Which one of these people? commits the most crimes.

I'm gonna say that guy. Oh yeah, of course. Oh, man. Of course. Filled with testosterone, Carlos Sosa on the saxophone. Famously, famously. Nothing but trouble. Otis, what do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you?

You're 50-50, or as you call it, fitty-fitty. What do you think is the most Puerto Rican thing about you? The Puerto Rican thing about me, I like, I love mangoes and I like drinking coconut juice straight out That's Puerto Rican to know. Okay. You call thick white women mangoes now? Is that the new term? Yes.

Yes. All right, Otis, my next question. What is the blackest thing about you in this game? The blackest thing about me is that I had an alcoholic dad. I wanted him to leave, but he stayed. So that's how I became really funny because of him. Yeah. What was his drink of choice?

Was it Henny? Of course. How'd you hit it on the head? Because I study different races. cultures. A lot of people think this is a game. By the way, I would say his dad staying is the one. Whites thing ever, yeah. Hell yeah.

Amazing. Oh, shit. I love it. So you've been doing it 10 years in El Paso. Yes, sir. Come to Austin just for this? Yes. Amazing. How long of a drive is that? It's about eight and a half hours, but it was definitely worth seeing all you guys.

I was like, I got to come do it, man. Hell, yeah. You gotta live life. Very funny, dude. You did it. Very funny. We love it. It was amazing,

especially after a guy that drove 19 hours with fucking nothing at all. That was awesome, Otis. Here's a legit black joke book for you, my friend. In fact, I'm gonna give you the I love P.C.

One, there you go. Boom. There you go. Otis Hicks making his kill Tony debut, ladies and gentlemen. You gotta love it. Eight hour fucking drive, paid off.

Amazing. 19-hour, drive, eight-hour drive, and now I know that this happens to be one of the funniest door guys here at the mothership. These guys sign up every week, you know what I mean? With this many names in the bucket, it's very hard to get pulled,

and I always love the ones that sign up, you know, instead of fucking, you know, you could easily become bitter watching a show like this for fucking people don't prepare, and now they're in front of millions of people. These guys work all the time. Very funny, man, with a brand new minute.

He's been on this show numerous times before over the last five years. Make some noise for Adam Lucky, everybody. Here he is. Pretty good day today. I had a homeless guy come up to me and go, hey, are you trans or retarded? All right, you guys usually ask for a dollar, but I'll fucking take it, I guess. Whatever, dude. Put some fucking pants on first, dog, before you got to throw some heavy hypotheticals at me. Then I thought about, like, trans or retarded. What's the difference? Like, come on. Where my repub's at? Come on. Get them out of our bathrooms. Freak shows.

Nah, I want them in the bathrooms because I like jerking off watching them shit, so I like that. I like black people, too. Sorry. I think they're chill. I have black friends. I lost one, though. I said the M word in front of him.

He got pretty mad. He's like, you can't say that. I was like, but I was singing it in a song. He's like, yeah, but you were singing happy birthday to me. You got 10 seconds left. If you want to do another one, we'll call off the cat and the bear. You're crushing it.

Yeah, I went to an all-black high school. That was hard. Did not make the sports teams. I'll say that. I made the swim team because I could fucking swim. Absolutely fucking hurt. I mean, holy fit. That's what it's all about, dude.

That's what it's all about. You see these guys on episodes from many years ago, the Vulcan days, if you will, and everything in between. And absolute shocking growth time and time again for the return people that we don't get to see all the time. You're here in Austin. People get to do four, five, six, seven spots a night,

kind of like how New York used to be. or maybe for some people is, but you're doing it, dude. That's unbelievable. Yeah, no, my life has gotten like fucking awful, so I've gotten a lot funnier. Yep, that happens. Trust me.

Things are the worst they've ever been, but I've been crushing it. I don't need you wife. I'm glad you're gone. I'm not. I miss her so much. Whatever. I get to live with my mom now.

Suck it, bitch. Spaghetti oats for breakfast. Party time. Your wife left you? Wow. When did this happen? About a year ago. It was pretty much the worst divorce could ever go

because she works at a comedy club and I ran shows there so I don't get to do that anymore. Wow. It's all good. SpaghettiOs, fuck right for this. Come on, we were having fun. I'm not. Someone's got to laugh. Which club can you say or no? Is that too much?

I don't know. I mean, I've said it on the show in the past, so I mean, it doesn't. It doesn't matter. Okay. At all. Why? Were you gonna fucking make a pun or something? No, no, no.

I was literally just curious what club it was. But then I was like he probably shouldn't say that. It's also, fully my fault. She didn't do anything wrong. She fucking rules. What was it? What would you have said if it was called the chuckle hut, huh? I would have said, uh, is she trans or retarded?

What's the difference? I wish. I got a trick during the staying. I'll buy you goosebumps. Come on. Adam, lucky. I love it. So what have you been doing to soothe the pain

other than just pure stand-up, which it's obvious that you are in the zone? I actually got sober, so I've been doing a lot of just like... Fuck, yeah. Hell yeah. You're still sweating like you're on pain pills, but we'll take your word for it.

This is the sweats that come after. I'm still in withdrawals. It's been nine months. Wow. Don't do cretum. It fucking hurts. Yeah. Yeah, that's for real.

we don't read Kratamats. We probably lose out on what many would consider vast sums of money by not reading Kratom ads. It's a thing that people everyone that I've noticed that does it was addicted to something and they're like I'm on this new thing that's not addictive at

all. And then they continuously do more and more of it all the time and they're like, it makes my bad memories get deleted. They're like I was addicted to that terrible thing. No, I just do this. It deleted my bad memories and my wife.

Amazing. Not recommended. It's the zen of heroin. Yeah. Yeah, it really is. I was doing the capsule. So they do have, they have like synthetic.

Like they take the shit out of it that makes you hide. Like the powder is bad, but it's not like life ruining. But then they have these pills you can take that it's just like, they call it gas station heroin because that's what it is.

Yeah. It was just fucking, it's brutal. Amazing. Oh, there's one fan in the back there. So you do nothing now? Not even like psychedelics? I've drank a couple times since. But I mean, for the most part, pretty much nothing.

I smoke cigarettes. Hell, yeah. Yeah. So fun. A lot of scratch-off tickets. Huh? A lot of lotto tickets and other shit. I have no money for that.

I'm about to lose my car. Graphic. I wish. I love it. Adam, what's your living situation like? I'm really living with my mom right now. Oh, really? She lives here in Austin?

No, it's an hour and a half away. Fuck. Yeah, that fucking sucks. Yeah, it sucks. God damn. That's one funny. You just, you just work here? and hustle a com.

I work here, I do Uber Eats, and that's pretty much it. Yeah, I do that pretty much every day, so I have money to see my daughter, and that's it. So you got to drive 90 minutes. You drove 90 minutes? Mm-hmm. By the way, take notice, everybody. The shorter the drive time gets,

the better the comedian is. That is right. That is right. Very obvious. That's a great point. Whoever walked here is going to murder tonight. An hour and a half every day you're making that trip? Yeah.

Yeah, it blows. You know what we're going to do? Red Band has an extra room in his condo here downtown. Let's fucking do it, dude. Come on. Look at that face. For your mom. You're your mom.

I'll suck you, Doug. I will fucking suck you, brother. I got nothing to lose. I'll get gay. You know what? I'm ready upgrade you because Tony has a better second room. No. All right.

I would love to have you on the Secret Show. That's a consolation prize if I've ever heard one. It's been a long time. Here's another big joke, folks. Adam Lucky, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, that's what it's all about. Fucking watching people get better. The only show that shows you that process in the history of comedy is here. Hill Tony, brought to you by Shopify Tocobas in Saly.

And your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Clay McLaren, everyone. Here we go. Damn, that is way too high for a midget like me. Yeah, that's bad. So I had to down a bottle of listerine just to get the courage to come up here. But don't worry, my shakes have almost gone. I had to stop by Buckees,

hit on some of the very fine, fat Latino ladies. They are beautiful. Tortas, as they're called. Yeah, I got to, Help myself to some pulled pork, if you know what I mean. Yeah, gotta get up in those beaver nuggets. But I like the black girls, too. Got to get some of those burnt tips going.

All right, I love you all. Clay McLaren, now by my measurements here, I'm gonna guess that you drove about 12 hours to be here. Close. Really? No, fuck. What? Five.

Five hours to be here. That's absolutely incredible. What type of crazy show is this? Everybody that wants to do comedies moving here. Meanwhile, tonight's bucket paying off fucking gas bills over here, making up for the Warren Iron. Show de Rose. Every, out of every thing that you said that was disturbing.

The most upsetting thing to me was, also own that shirt. Oh, yeah. Which one? Damn it. That blue shirt. Yeah. Target?

Game Stop? Yeah. It was on the clearance rack at J.C. Pennies. Okay. Well, you somehow downgraded from Target. I didn't think that was possible. Yeah. It's hard to do that.

Wait, I have some actual comedy advice for you, though. You got to move the mic stand. You can't stand behind it, man. You got to move it to the side. Take the mic out of there for now. Take it out and move it behind you. Move it behind you. I didn't want to fuck with your stage.

Move it behind you. Move it behind you. Okay. There you go. It's your stage when you're doing it, man. This is this first time around electricity. He's the Amish fat guy. Very exciting for him.

Five hour drive in a horse and carriage to be here tonight. And those horses were working overtime. I'm telling you. That's a big boy. Big little Amish boy. I like those tortas. Oh my goodness. goodness, look at you. What are you? 21, 58? What are you? Somewhere in between. No, I turned 31 next week.

31. Incredible. What do you do for work, Clay McLaren? I work at a comedy club. Wow. Incredible. Are you banging the owner, lady? Are you Clay? Look at you. You got a guilty face. I've come close. Wow. Really? What's his name? All right. Stupid. You work at a club, a comedy club? What's it? Yeah, it's a comedy club. No.

I was going to ask if you was trans or retarded. Oh, my goodness. What is the name of the club? It's punchline Houston. Wow. Okay. All right. Good answer.

Clay, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that has hobbies galore. I don't know about galore. You know, anything that a regular Amish dude would do fishing. It's been a couple of years, but I used to go hunting a lot. Hunting for what? For all the right things.

Wow. Extra creepy answer. Yeah. Play, what's your love life like? Are you out there just fucking smothering girls? I mean, when I'm not hitting on women and burying, rating them at Buckees. What do you mean? Are you being serious?

Stop trying to be funny. I need real answers out of you, Clay. No. I think you're nervous. I'll make you fucking nervous. Yeah, yeah. I'm nervous as shit, but... No, no. I was talking to a girl at Buckees today. What did you say to work? Give me your opening line. What was she doing? Like, looking at the different nuts and stuff.

Right? Something like that. No, no. I noticed that she had an engagement ring on. I said, if you ever want to get re-engaged, you know, just hit me up. That was your line. Oh. Yeah. Re-engaged. Yeah, just overtly forward.

Wow. Really? And then what? And then she looked at me like the way you're looking at me now. Yeah. And something tells me you were shaking like this when you said it.

Actually, I was a lot more chill. Did you have anything in your hands at the time? When I'm in Buckees, my hands are always full. I end up having to grab a basket, but I do it too late. What did you have in your hands, Clay McLaren? Nothing. Wow.

I just went in to take a piss. Wow. So it was extra creepy then, because you're just a guy who's standing there with nothing, no purpose at all, in a world where everything is fun. And, I mean, I can't stop buying things there. I want to buy everything at a Buckees, and you're just empty-handed. Contributing nothing at all. Hey, you want to get re-engaged? Well.

I see you're the only woman here that's promised to another man, but... Just an ether rag. Hello. Welcome to the amazing world of Clay McLaren. Yeah, well, if there's any tortas in the audience. Oh, my God, dude. Clay, stop it. Keyes or tortoise? No, stop it. Very good. Very good. You're making red band. I'm going to put you back in the kiln. You're going to make red band have a low blood sugar attack. Stop talking about nuts and tortoise.

Okay. Clay, when's the last time you were with a woman? When's the last time you had sexual intercourse with a woman? I have to absolutely know. I can't imagine in my head. You still have a lot of her pubs stuck in your beard. I can tell you that, right? A few months ago. Yeah. Okay, where'd you meet this gal at?

In a cemetery. Wow, okay. So how long did it take you to dig her up? What do you mean you met a girl in this cemetery? You got to paint the picture for us a little bit, Clay. You go straight to the craziest answers ever. I hit her up on a nap. She said, I'll suck your dick in a cemetery.

What app is this? Uber Eats. Fanoia has arrived to the kill-tony universe. What app is it? It was either Bumble or Tinder. One of those. I almost slipped up.

Hey, that's the list. It definitely wasn't Bumble. That's the one where the girl has to message you first. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it was definitely Tinder. It was timber. The one where you get a flumbertack. Hey, it can turn in a grinder real fast.

Whoa. Okay. No. No. Play, this lady out of nowhere said that she wants to suck your dick in a cemetery. Then what happens? Got my dick sucked in the cemetery. Wow.

Quite the storyteller, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Could have said anything in the world jumps right to the end of the story. Very Tarantino-esque. Telling you the end first. And now, let's find out. Did you have to open a? gate. Did you drive right in? Did you do it in the parking lot?

It was open. There's like a driveway. So did you do it in your car? Yeah. Okay. So she was kind of like a driveway, open gate, and a parking lot. And then she got out of her car and came into your car. Was she already there? Just standing there. I'm not sure if I'm breaking any laws right now. You already did. Okay. Well, no, I definitely not. She hopped in. So you name her name and her address. You're not breaking any laws. no one believes you, by the way. So you're okay. Out of all the sex stories ever told,

you getting your dick sucked in a cemetery, almost impossible. By the way, they got security at the taco place where the other guy works. Nobody's guarding the gates of this fucking cemetery to stop some abomination shit like this from happening? What the fuck is going on?

It's where my great-grandmother is buried. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. This is turning into a goose bumps book. Jesus. No, this is a true story. Clay McLaren, I'm going to get you out of here.

You are the first person leaving with a medium-sized joke book. Congratulations, Clay. A big victory. A five-hour drive for Clay McLaren. A night of long drives, ladies and gentlemen. An hour and a half being the closest bucket pool out of four tonight. Here's number five.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Javi Berlón. Javi Berlong. Let's go. How do you do tonight? I don't care. Fuck you. Let's do this. I got a minute.

So as y'all can see, I'm clearly a bottom. Oh, I see bottoms here tonight. Fuck you guys, dude. I see a lot. No, but I gotta be a bottom. I'm too fucking fat, pro, I gotta be a bottom. Imagine me being on top.

My girl, she's like four feet, five. If I'm on top of that bitch and my arms are gonna be out, that bitch is dead, dog. She's dead, dude. I'd rather be up here telling you guys' jokes instead of asking you to help fund my go-funding for that bitch.

I'd rather do that. I'd rather do that, bro. It just sucks being fat. It sucks. For example, I bought a new belt. I bet you can't see it. Titties, titties. Can you see my fucking belt?

I doubt it. I got a new bell. I'm serious. I'm not lying. Blue eyes. I'm not lying, bro. I'd never lie. Area, brand new.

Just bought the shit of the Buckees. Just bought this shit on the way over here. I hate that shit, bro. No, but I actually feel grateful that I'm doing this, dog. Because I don't do this when my girl blows me. I swear to God. And it's heavy, so she better make me come fast, bro. Otherwise, I dropped it and slap her.

Penecha, no. No, you hurry up. You make me come faster. Fuck you. Harvey Balon, ladies and gentlemen, with this full set. Welcome, welcome. How are you? Good, brother.

Hell yeah. You look sexy in person. Holy shit. I wish I could say the same about you, Hobbit. You are a big, nasty boy. You know what I mean? I love it. I love it.

Let's check in with the boys here. Slow down. Yes, sure. No, no, slow down a little bit. On eating. On eating. Slow down your eating. Well, that too.

But no, slowing down, slowing down will help you in different ways. It'll help the audience understand what you're saying a little better. Hell yeah. It'll help you not spill chili all over your shirt. I mean, it's unbelievable. That's what I was gonna say. Barbecue, buddy, it's barbecue. Jesus Christ.

I went to Terry Black's. Yeah. We love Terry Black. I got fucked up NFL's. I took a nap before a guy here, bro. Terry Black's Fox. It's hard, bro. Yeah, real talk, though, bring a show shirt.

Yeah. Always wear black. No, the fatties got my back, huh boys? You guys. There's a couple out there taking a multiple seats. Javi. What part of San Antonio are you from? I'm from El Paso, which is Antonio without Chicago. Whoa! Another El Paso guy.

Another one. Oh, this was the first black guy who saw in El Paso. He's the only one in El Paso. You guys drive here together? No, we're touring right now. You're touring? Yeah. Oh, okay.

So you guys are just swinging through Austin doing other shows, right? Yeah, I gotta show the Vulcan later if you guys want to go. I promise I'll talk slower and I'll have a better shirt. I promise. All right. Amazing how long you've been doing stand-up? Four years this year four years yes sir what else do you do I make sketches about like being and stuff Uh-huh that's like like legit what it is a lot to relate to it and it's fucking dope

You make a living doing that yeah dude's awesome the beans love me very good are you getting bigger like are you Where's your weight? Okay now I'm comfortable now that I'm talking to I'm comfortable so I just let it out I love it have you ever zipped that vest before never done can we try can I get a drink Drum roll please. Let's try it. I need help. I need help. No, come on, Hobby. Just try. I want to see what it looks. All right. Ready? If I come, I'm sorry.

Hobby, do it. Just do it, hobby. Hold on, give me a little trombone here. Oh my God, he's trying to suck it in. This is epic. Yeah. Can you breathe? No, I can unzip that thing. Unzip that thing.

You're going to take someone's eye out. Oh my goodness gracious. That was the work of a man that has never zippered anything ever. Hell yeah. That vest was working extra Carhart. Does Carhart know that you're... No, dude, I'm the most unemployed carhart wherever, dog. I'm coming in and stolen valid right now, bro.

I got to cheer him. It's the only thing that fits. Clearly, dog. Fuck, yeah. The best club. Barely. Barely hanging on. But they do.

Carhart sponsor me. It's amazing. Dude, you sound like an even more coked up Uncle Laser. Yeah, it is. Honestly, from the barbecue, I had to do a blow. I had to do a bump before I got on here, dog. Did you really? No, no.

Okay. No. Okay. I was in your eyes, that's all it is. Whatever. Okay. Do you ever put your finger in between that neck flap there? You ever finger that?

I get all the grease out and then just left over food, dog, left over barbecue. Hell yeah. That's why I spill a lot. I spilled a lot. What's your love life like? I'm with a lady with 12 years. Female. Sorry, bro.

Female. All right. 12 years, yeah. Okay, what does she do for work? I just got her out of work. She said, did she was like a J.C. Penny? But I just, I'm making enough money. Our second JCPenney.

What the fuck? C. Penney was still over. There's like two J.C. pennies. That's four J.C. Penny callouts this episode. Fun fact, if you place a bet, if you placed a bet today on draftings, that J.C. Penny would be said four times. If you bet one dollar on that, you just won $17 million. Yeah, dude.

That is the odds of four JCPenney reference. is happening in one episode. It's not. Hobby, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life? This, man, this is awesome. Other than this, Oh yeah, yeah, okay.

I'll give you a good one. I knocked out a guy on tour, I was peeing next to him, and he didn't want to be next to me because he thought it was gay. It was an awesome, too. What do you say? I didn't hear one of those words.

Black helicopters. Black helicopter first. I think that was the first ever stand-up heart attack that I just went. I fought a guy. I had a show in Austin, and I was peeing, and he didn't want to pee next to me. And he got mad, and he just punched me

because they didn't finish fast enough. I drank a lot of beer. Punched you? Yeah, because he pushed me, so I punched him. Felt asleep. And I was like, fuck, yeah, I got that shit. I didn't know I had it. Wow.

I didn't know I had that. And yeah, one guy. The jack guy here, fuck. Yeah. I mean, I might have a lot more, but I'm nervous, Doug. I don't know how to think about it. I got molested when I was like nine. Okay, let's talk about it.

about that. He was a family friend. And then he bought me shit afterwards, so I didn't give a fuck. I was just gonna say, my next question was, is how does food connect to this? Did he literally give you candy afterwards? No, it was Hot Wheels and the little homies. If there's Latinos out here, don't know.

The homies? Yeah, he bought me a pack of 12. Do you have a mic, Michael? Can you explain what a little homie is? For us, this is our senior Latino correspondent, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Gonzales. So our little action figure, Cholos. I think I'm blocking them. Hold on. I'm sorry.

Check, check. You hear me? Yeah. So little homies are little tiny action figures of actual Cholo people. Like little Cholos. Yes, little tiny. Yeah, little Cholos. And this, this is a true story. Our senior fat correspondent was jumping in in my puckeringer. Yeah, it's a little action peeking.

The, they were, the supermarket in my neighborhood where I grew up, they had homies in one of those machines that's the quarters, like the gumball. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. And there was a homie that was in a homeie that was in a little. that was in a wheelchair. Really? You know what? I'm going to give him a golden ticket right now.

Where is this little homie? Shot in a drive-by, apparently, and I spent $10 in quarters to get the wheelchair homie. The homies were very progressive back then, before it was popular. Hell yeah. They loved everybody.

Did they come with little accessories, like pineapple soda? I wouldn't have that much money, dog. It was just the pack of 12. They had a little car, a little hot wheel car. Bad ass. I just stayed quiet because it was dope. Oh, my goodness.

Amazing hobby. Well, congratulations. You did it. You got a big tip. Oh, yes. Go, pal. Javvy. Good job, pal.

Belon. Joritos and burritos. Javvy Ballone has arrived to the Kiltoni universe. All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's switch up, let's switch up the tone a little bit in here, everybody. We have a regular who does a brand new minute every single week. It's diabolical to do that in your current. publicly in front of millions of people. Very tough job to write a new minute every week.

Ladies and gentlemen, he was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is a brand new set. Patrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. I love you guys. Life advice, relationship advice, if you love a girl, if you seriously love a girl, stay away from the girls that don't like her because they'll pick out a flaw to ruin you.

a flaw to ruin your entire relationship. Last year, I thought I was going to marry this girl, Brittany, and I went to my best friend, Emily, and I was like, I think I want to marry Brittany. And she said, ugh, you mean that giraffe neck, bitch? I was like, she ain't got no giraffe neck, so I went to Instagram immediately, and I started scrolling. And I was like, damn, she do got a long-ass neck.

She even got, like, freckles on her neck. It looked like the spots like on a giraffe. She do be deep thrown, you know what I'm saying? Like she just let effortless. Why she eating salad in every photo? Bidger herbivore. Also, this is just one picture. Which, it don't get to you right then.

You kind of barrel it inside you. And then, like, you get into a fight and it come out. And she's like, I don't understand why you can't take out the trash. I'm like, I don't know why I'm dating. Zoo Animal, Brittany. You know what? You've been a real bitch since you lost your job. Because Jeffrey, the Joyzart Rush is real good.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. So we broke up. That's about time. I love y'all. Thank y'all. 53 seconds. Doing more than he has to almost every set.

Dedrick, you've done it again. Very, very funny. Millions of people watching. How do you feel? I feel so fucking good. It feels so... Thank y'all so much for coming and loving me and all the nice shit y'all sitting to me online.

Y'all give me gifts all the time. I don't even ask for them. That's how me and Mike ended up with these bobcat tales from their street with... Oh, my God. I get slingshots sent to me. They got an automatic slingshot they're sending to me.

It's got like a clip, and when you put it in, it's like you can just keep fucking a nigga. Oh, wow. Just fuck a nigga, huh? That's fine. Oh, boy. Don't do crime around me. Order boneless wings if you want to.

One in the neck, nigga. Grow up. You know what I'm talking about, Tony? I know exactly what you're talking about. I did, however, look out at some white people in the crowd looking very confused. This woman in glasses here, now smiling. Now turning it on. Uncross your arms.

I don't like your energy. All right? Just fucking have fun. We're talking about slingshots. Looks like the type of lady that probably marched in a Black Lives Matter rally, but now that there's an actual black man in front of her just looks confused and scared at the same time. Seems like it would really hurt if you shot someone in the neck with a slingshot. I wouldn't personally do that because, like, I think, I think passive of fuck you, dude. Yeah.

I'm just playing, I love you, but like your attitude, you can cross your arms. I'm still, you paid to be here. I'm paid to be here. That's true. I'm just playing. I don't like that. I don't know, that's not me. I don't know who that was.

I don't know who that was. That is not me. Hold on. Hold on. We're supposed to get paid to do this? Yeah, no. What the fuck? No way.

No way, Jose. There's no shame. It's like an age thing on there. He only pays like the young comics. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Sorry, we always talk shit. We're not doing it.

We promise we weren't going to. I'm sorry. I know. I don't know who this is coming out of my body. I don't know what I'm doing. You get real meaning. I'm not David Lucas. I am not. I don't do this.

We need an exercise. I love your new glasses. Your outfit looks amazing. Your skin is glowing. Are you doing karate? You look good. Are you doing karate? I love that you got fronts put over crooked teeth.

Yeah, yeah. You didn't get the teeth straightened out. You just said, nah, just put it the way they are. You don't have back teeth, Joe. I don't know that. I don't have bad teeth. Your shit is rotted out in the back, and we've been talking about it.

Don't do this. You're doing it. You know, an hour from now. Oh, D-Madness is back. I brought in a special guest referee for this battle, D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Don't fuck me up, Joe. We're friends now.

This is what he does. He's going to be blacked out at the bar an hour from now going, you know I love you, I love you, I love you, man. I'm going to do it. I do that. You say I'm blacked out.

By the way, that's, that's, That is true. That's 100%. That will be happening. Go to Mitzies. I'll apologize to Joe in front of everybody that's there. That do be happening. With the great Dedrick Flynn.

We always have fun wrapping it up at the end of the night. What else is going on, Dedrick? Anything else crazy? Bitch, I'm going to L.A. Yes, we are. We're going through the Kilt Sunday in L.A. I got shows coming up in San Antonio, Houston, Orlando.

Miami. And then bitch, I'm headlining the festival in Okinawa, Japan. Daddy World, why? I'm being arrested in Japan. Wow. That is amazing. Trying to be trying to join this fucking ninjas and shit. Holy shit. Yeah.

That's a real gig you're doing? Yeah. When are you going to Japan? Uh, in May, all throughout June. I'm doing, uh, Hanse's have, it's his festival out in Okinawa. Oh, no. He asked me to come headlining, and I said, yes, before he could stop, because I really want to go to Japan. Wow.

My nephew actually, my nephew's getting born in Japan from my adopted Japanese sister. Gracie, she's having her baby in Japan. So the day I land, I get to go meet my new nephew. What's Gracie's Instagram? Red band. Red band. White dad.

White dad. She's, shit. Red band. You watch yourself before I fucking love you harder. All right? I love you guys. See, I'm not even roasting anymore. What am I doing?

You're amazing. Dedrick, we love you too. I love you! Great new one minute, 53 seconds on the great Dedrick Flynn. He makes it look easy. He does this every week. Some of these people, this is their first time on,

this or that, they wait for years, some people 10 years, some people 5, this, that. He has to do it every week. Unbelievable. Like your next bucket pool, we will figure out what's going on here as we meet them all together. Make some noise for Brock White Lions, everybody.

Yeah, what the fuck is up, Austin? I got a hot wife, believe it or not. And if you don't believe it, then fuck you. I pulled it off and you can too, despite my average looks below average bank account. I got a hot wife, you just gotta follow these easy tips. Tip number one, find you a gorgeous girl with gross feet. My wife's feet are disgusting, y'all, but I suck those toes. I know they're the only thing between me and some ugly bitch in open-toed shoes.

Number two makes people uncomfortable, but it's the best tip I'll give it to you anyway. Everyone's bragging these days. They got their animal from a shelter, adopt on shop. I got my woman from a woman shelter. I don't get enough credit for that. Thank you. Such a funny joke there at the end.

Somehow I'd never heard anything like that. That's incredible. How long you've been doing stand-up? I'm in like maybe two and a half, three years. Where at? Lafayette, Louisiana. Hell yeah. What do you do for a living out in Lafayette?

I work offshore, so I don't, uh, I mostly live out there, and there's no open mics. What are you doing, the oysters, the shrimp, what do we got out there? What type of stuff happening out on the bio? No, I'm getting... I love it. Let's go. And when I say, let's go, I mean G-E-A-U-X. You know what I'm doing?

Yeah! I don't know. Oh, you just got to give me chills, dog. I like it. I work in the oil field. I work offshore, so I get oil for the cars. Chicken with Mike Finoya here. You haven't blinked the whole time up here,

and you've got... That's kind of our thing. That's part of our culture. We don't blink a lot. What culture is that zombie? I was just trying to not be phased. Actually, I'm freaking out right now. You killed it, bro.

That's the truth. Wait, what... I normally like to blink. I blink, dog. I swear. But you got... Every time you blink, I'm gonna blink.

You got eyes like manhole covers. Thank you. My mama used to say that, bro. What does? I know, I taught her it. Yeah. Joe DeRosa. What does that, why did you keep saying I work offshore?

It means I work not on land, but in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Yeah. There's oil under the water, too, Joe. There's oil underwater as well. We're onshore. Hey, you know where the shore is? Offshore. Off the shore.

Like, say this is the shore. We're here. He's there. Hey. Well, let's just say we now know Joe DeRosa is not trans. That's it. But he is retarded, everybody. Wait, I would the oil under the water.

I would the oil under the water. You said you went off shore. Under the oil, under the water. You fucking twat. Fuck you. Fuck you. Also, Tony, for the record, offshore they say Joe DeRosa is trans.

Whoa, look at that. Time to get offshore for you. You love getting sucked off. I love getting sucked off shore. Sucked off shore. That really blew up in my face. I thought I had him with the offshore thing. I was wrong.

Yeah, you made them look. They like you till they found out. What's that? They would like you until they found out. That makes perfect sense if you're the coaching the football team that the water boy played on. Doesn't he kind of look like a relief pitcher from like 1886? For sure. He looks like one of those relief pitchers that they play like Metallica for when he comes out and all the lights on.

And now pitching for your Detroit Tigers, Brock, White Lions. Strike three. It'd be Wu-Tang, though, not Metallica. All right. So, Brock, let's talk about what type of shifts? When you have to go offshore, is that for a long period of time at a time? So when I'm lucky, yeah, sometimes like 14 and 7, but sometimes I'm poor because I got a lot of time off.

14 and 7. What is that? 14 days offshore. There you go. Seven days onshore. There you go. And then you do that again and again and again. Yes, sir.

If I'm lucky. Okay. What's your love life like? You got a girl waiting for you? I'm married. I got a hot wife. Like I said. Oh, yeah.

That is true. You did say you have a hot wife. Red band should follow her. That would make her night. Red Band's trying to do the math on when you're gone 14 days right now. Trying to figure out your next shift so that he could slide into her fucking Louisiana. Hey, do you think comedy's funny? Because I work into comedy business.

Have you heard of the JRE? Guess who started that? I had told Joe what a podcast was and then he's like, let's do it, buddy. She'd be lit. I'd be proud. What is it? All right. Relax.

Can you come on. All right. So, Brock, how do you trust your wife around all those black men in Laos? The question of the world once in a... Well, that's why I chose this outfit is, you know, to compete with the competition. You know what I'm saying?

Really something else. Even D. Madness said, that's an aggressive shirt. A Goblins Away jersey? Shout out to the goblins, though. Yeah, shout out. Brock, what's like the craziest trouble you ever been in? You ever get a little bit rowdy out there in Lafay? Yeah, I've been in jail a few times.

For what? Let's rattle it off here. I mean, DUIs, drug possessions. I did some burglaries, but I got away with those. Oh, let's talk about, let's talk, I love finding out. This is a new thing on this show. I love finding out when people get away with things. I love finding out.

I got a case waiting for me right now in Lake Charles for what? A DUI, case. Oh, okay, a DUI. Let's talk about the burglaries that you got away with. What exactly did you rob? Well, we didn't get in, so. Who's we? You and one accomplice?

You're my friends. They had one teacher. This is a... How many friends? Like maybe three. Okay. This is a... I'm ashamed of this. I'm not proud.

Right. She was a rich lady, so she volunteered taught. She didn't even get paid. Yep. But she invited us to her house, and she was like, y'all don't touch that pillow. It's $1,000. Uh-huh. And me and my friends were like, yo, her pillows are $1,000.

Yeah. And then she went on vacation. And she told the whole class she was gone on vacation. So we tried to break in. Uh, uh... but she had good alarms. Yeah. People with $1,000 pillows normally have.

Only thing better than her pillows, but her alarms. And so we ran away, and then she set a prayer for whoever broke in her house in class a week later. Oh, my God, and you had to pray along with it for your own healing.

Yeah. That's incredible. That's not really getting away with it. No. Getting away with it. Oh, you want one I got to get caught? What does other ones? We broke in dues houses

and we thought we were going to get drugs, but we couldn't find the drugs. So we just turned their whole trailer upside down. Did you find the drugs? No, no drugs. Wow. But I got away. Did you get a couple pillows?

I didn't get in trouble for breaking into their house and looking for shit, so I feel like that's pretty good. Let's check in with Mike Fanoia. What are you going to wear to court for this case? I see you wearing the way. Hey, that's true sleeve.

This tuxedo t-shirt. Your Honor, it's the Goblins. They won this week against the banana team. It's a godless shirt with a tie. I had to assign my wife to buy me a court shirt. And so she sent me stuff on Amazon, and I picked one. And now it's my court shirt, y'all.

And y'all can get it when I beat this case. Anybody can have it who wants it. So let's talk about it. Let's do a little run-through here. It's good to sometimes they do this for court cases. So what exactly you're being charged with a boat, D-E-Y? No, I don't. Believe it or not,

I'm from the city. Oh, okay. I'm from Lafayette, which is more urban. I don't fuck with boats. My grandpa was a rice farmer, but that was... A rice farmer? Yeah, pro fish and rice. So he had boats.

Absolutely. But I grew up in the city, no boats. So it was a driving one. Right. And it was a Kia, a Kia D-U-I, I guess, you know. The driving one. Uh-huh. And I was doing a show in Lake Charles,

and Lake Charles sucks. There's nothing going over there. They were lucky. was there. And I did a show and I had a couple drinks and I'm pretty responsible. How many is a couple? Five or six, seven? No. It wasn't even a lot. I'm pretty reformed.

I'm married now. My wife's... Sure. But what's a couple? I know it's on two. I mean, the case is pending but... Just to please, dude. Please let your lawyer do the talking. After maybe like June 13th, we'll talk about it.

You know what I'm? Okay, but seriously, though. All right, I'll tell you because I love you. Probably like five, six drinks, yeah. Right, yeah. And so when, did you hit anything, or did they just let you up? No, they pulled me over for not using my turning signal. Oh, these mother.

It's not enough crime in Lake Charles, y'all. Yeah. Well, that's a good way to let the officer know you're drunk. It's called your turning signal. Turning signal. What's it called? Did you offer him free season tickets to the goblins? Turn signal.

I thought it was turning. Good man. No, don't say that in court. So he got you for the signal. Lights go up. You're like, oh, fuck. Did you have any drugs on you or anything? Yeah, I had some weed, but it was in a pink grinder.

It's my wife, y'all. Okay, that's okay. Did it smell it all? Did he smell that? Yeah, he smelled the alcohol because I panicked when they pulled me over. Uh-huh. I'm gonna get, I'm a fuck. It's great. Keep going. Keep going.

It's coming out. This is coming out after your court case. This is not admissible. I threw it out on the floor. Wait, you were drinking while you were driving? Jesus Christ. People go. What's up with Tony in these interviews? Why does he go on and on with these people? What is he looking for? Why? Get him off stage.

They went on too long. Get to the next bucket pole. And then you find gold, my friend. You were drinking while driving. and your move when you saw the police lights was, oh, fuck. You throw it around the car? Absolutely.

It's unbelievable. If that was in a comedy movie, people would be like, well, nobody would fucking do that. And meanwhile, here we are. You're like, I shouldn't say, Tony. I got a case coming up. It's so fucking real. God, this show is amazing.

It is. And you are completely. completely stupid. It is unbelievable. Out of all the DUI stories in 13 years on this show, I don't think it gets better than, oh, fog, man.

It's going to smell this alcohol. I got to get rid of it. Well, I didn't want to find it. There's no way he's going to take a sniff of this empty cup in the cup holder. By the way. No evidence, dog. They don't have shit.

Hold on. There's no way, by the way. You tried to play it off like you had three drinks. Nobody's drinking the third drink while they're driving. You're drinking the 15th drink while you're driving. It was the 6th like Tony said. That makes sense. I'm spot on. I can tell when a person thinks they're behaving.

Singles in a double glass so you get more water. It's also Louisiana. Three drinks could be like three hurricanes. Like you really drank a yard of train. Right. Yes, sir. Why is your passenger seat blue with power pedals all right? I only had about 6 meters a drink

today. You were making the wrong decision at every turnings. Yeah, but I hired a lawyer. You're drinking drinks called alligator jizz and fucking boo-doo juice. I was having some of the guava goblin juice. Next thing, you know, this cop's telling me I didn't use my turnings. You can't arrest me. I'm offshore.

You're on land right now, sir. Yes. Let's go. Is your wife's name Cosmo? Yeah, Cosmo Elizabeth. I already know her. I already know her.

How's that possible? What's going on? What's happening? Explain to the people instead of pretending like your... She just sends me a lot of messages. All right, dog, whatever. Oh, you looked up his Instagram, like a real fucking creep. All the black guys from there, she's picking red band?

That's insulting. Does she spell Elizabeth with an S? Yes. Because it's on his arm and I want to make sure that's actually... Oh. Oh, my God. That's my girl, Elizabeth. She's beautiful, though.

She is beautiful, though. She is beautiful. Okay, red band, for the love of fucking God. It's in Wu-Tang font, Tony. I can tell. Because two things are forever. What are they? Wu-Tang and Elizabeth, though.

Wow. The immortal Elizabeth. She's never going to be in a graveyard while a fat Amish guy's getting his dick sucked. She's going to live forever. Just like the Wu-Tang car. Cash definitely does not. not rule everything around you.

That's one thing with it's for sure. Yeah, I work off shore. You'd be surprised. I know. Well, Brock White Lions, very, very fun set. Very fun interview. We like your style. Come back, sign up again sometime, all right?

There he goes. The Kiltony debut of Brock White Lions, everybody. Compete d'Ape le Pue, la mayonnaise, dijon le Masté. One more time for the lovely Heidi. Back to the bucket we go, everybody. Your next comedian goes by the name of Megan at Nights, everyone. Here we... My husband and I are going through couples therapy.

It's kind of like a threesome for people who hate sex. It's weird for me. I live in Texas where therapy's only okay if it's to heal a bone or stop being gay. My husband thinks I work too hard. I'm a health and fitness coach. Looking at the people here in Texas, I'm obviously not working hard enough.

My husband's an under-employed musician. now I'm doing stand-up on a podcast. We're basically trying to ostin each other to death. He's one of the few people who's been both a go-go-dancer and a gay club and a country Western singer, unless you count the guy that shows up at Lindsay Graham's house in different outfits. He actually tried organizing a stand-up show once,

but it was just like when we have sex. Nobody came. And yet, he still recorded it. 57 seconds. Make a night? Night or night? I guess it doesn't matter. Megan.

Welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? Approximately 56 seconds. First set ever. I love it. Seems like you and your husband are going through it, huh? How long you've been with this guy? About five years.

Okay. Where'd you meet? Facebook. Okay. Wow. Five years. Facebook. All right.

You guys are 70 years old or something? Yes. Amazing. What does he do for a living? He is. a musician. And what do you do for a living? Health and fitness coach. That's right. Okay, you mentioned all that. Is he like a good musician? He really is, yes. He's a vocalist. For a famous band or something? Not, I mean, to me, yes. To you, yes.

Eventually, yes. Is you sure he's not struggling at all, being a musician? I did say under-employed. Wait, so yes? Yes. So you're the main provider in the relationship? No. Do you make more money than him? Equal. Equal. It seems low.

It's not a low amount of money. He covers, he pays our rent and... I love it. Where do you live? Here in Austin. Hell yeah. For how long? About three years.

Okay. What made you want to start stand up here to me? Just make fun of your husband. It's part of your therapy or something? Yeah. One of his goals for 2026 was to do stand-up, so I had to beat him to it. I love it. Wow.

This is amazing. I've never seen anything quite like this before. Amazing. Megan, what's the fattest person you've ever had to pretend like you're going to make their life better that showed up to you? And it's like, I'm on fitness and health. Oh, gosh. Like, real talk? Yeah.

Probably 300 pounds. What were you able to do with? I didn't know what you read band went to you. So proud of you for trying to get help. What were you able to? Did they lose any weight or did they not show up on the third training session, I'm guessing? I bet they do two. He ended up quitting and went on a GOP. Oh, I bet that's happening a lot lately.

Is that messing up your business as a fitness trainer? Just fat people just injecting themselves in the neck with fat stuff? Honestly, no. Typically my clientele has like 30 pounds to live. lose and you still need the foundation. And what exactly do you tell them to do? Tell Red Band what exactly. How would you recommend Red Band losing 30 pounds?

He's been on, I'm not kidding you. He's lost six pounds in two weeks. Is that right? Hold on, hold applause. Let me tell you the diet he's on. This is true. I'm not kidding. I'm not joking.

He's been exclusively only. This is how bad he was eating before. For the last two weeks, he's lost six pounds. By only eating sandwiches, everybody. He's on the sandwich diet, and it's working. His body cannot believe the amount of health pumping through his veins. My mentor, Jared, had a thing going.

He told me this the other night in a bar. He told me this the other night in a bar, and he's going, I just ate sandals. I just eat sandwiches, and it's working. And it was literally like talking to a guy going, I don't have a problem as his nose was bleeding. It's like red band. It's not okay.

It's literally like the cretum. It's like the cratim people going, I'm off a heroin. I'm doing great. Sandwiches only. You want to go do some provolone in the bathroom? I love it. What's the bread of choice that you're going with for the other fat fucks?

Where's my sourdough baby's egg? Come on. Whoa. Our dough, ladies and gentlemen. I can't do that anymore. Megan, what kind of food would you recommend for fat people listening? Is this nutrition your thing too? Are you mostly just like pumping pink weights like that or something like that?

Oh, pink weights. Come on. And why do you think Austin, and you're joking, like, you think Austin's not healthy? Because I feel like Austin's like one of the healthiest cities ever. There's so much hiking and fucking fitness here, honestly, I think. You insane? The side dishes here are white bread and pickles. For you, pig. Because of all the vomiting and...

He doesn't have a side of white bread and pickles. That's part of the main meal. You can't have a side of bread and pickles when your entree is bread and pickles. Losing weight from only eating sandwiches. and everybody goes, what were you eating before? He goes, so much fried food. So it really is. He's upgrading by only eating sandwiches.

So there you go. One day, very soon, it'll just be me up here. And I'll be doing sound effects and time going, oh, I can't handle all this pressure. Oh, what's your girlfriend's Instagram account? Fart noise, fart noise. Pirt, ferv, pyrr. No, I'm kidding.

He's going to outlive me, no doubt about it. look at him. He doesn't like you. Oh, Megan. I like your bangs. You have, for a first time stand-up, you had very good jokes. Like, seriously, it's not an easy thing to do. You had some good jokes.

Just next time you do it, memorize your jokes, because you're not going to get out of your head or out of your own way if you're reading off a paper. And then also when you're new, it looks like you don't give a shit. I'm not saying, I don't mean that critically.

I mean it constructively. Like, if you memorand, If you memorize your jokes, you'll get looser, they'll hit harder, and you're going to get even better. But that's the- People were seeing you glance at the paper, because it's a big piece of paper. You could have just, like, even written it on the inside of your wrist. I see some bad tattoos there. You could have just, you could have just etched them in. We would have thought it was part of your tattoo, and then it looks kind of normal.

You could just give a little glance. You could have snuck it. Yeah. And, like, tell the punchlines to the back of the room, you know? You were kind of, like, looking down, like, almost like you were, like, coily. But it's your first time. But how did it make you feel? You did great.

What was unexpected about your first time? The lights are brighter than you expect it. Maybe a little. Like, you can't really see a whole lot going on over there. It's better that way. It is better that way. Deep Madness, do you agree? All right.

So much. I know. I know. Same old joke every goddamn time. I'm sorry. No, I had it all memorized. I just, you know, stay straight. I'm going to black out.

It happens. It happens. Well, your first time is officially happened. Here's a little joke book coming out. Oh, that. Oh, great catch. Hard throw on my card. Make a night, everybody.

On to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next comedian, everybody. It's Layla, everyone. Here comes Layla. Hello. I should have peed earlier. I can say. Don't you think that Nike's slogan

just sounds a little passive-aggressive. Because I remember hearing it the first time. It was when my husband and I, we were fighting. And he said to me, if you spit on my mother's photo one more time, bitch, I'll divorce you. So go ahead, he said. Just do it.

I did. It worked. He divorced me. This slogan actually, works every time I use it. One time my close friend texted me at 3 a.m. at night, he said, no one loves me, I'm going to kill myself tonight. I was very tired that night, sleepless.

It was the first day of my period, and I said, listen, man, just do it. You did. Thank you. Laila, welcome, Laila. Hello. Hell yeah. You're doing it. You are shaking. Yes. How long you've been doing stand-up? One year. One year. Where are you been doing that at?

It's mostly Cold Town Theater, honestly. Where? Cold Town Theater, like open mics there. Oh, okay. Place, okay. Yeah, and it's a Velvita room. Okay, so you're doing it here in Austin, Texas. Where's that accent from? Where are you from?

I am from Azerbaijan. What? Um, Azvijan. It's next to Armenia and Armenia, Georgia, Turkish. What's it called again? Huh? Say it again. Azerbaijan.

Okay. All right. Parmesan. It's the soft. Parmesan. Delicious country. It is. As.

Wild. This is like, I would watch. gore at and I'd be like, come on, that's not real. As a bit done, yes. So what made you want to start stand-up a year ago, Leila? It's very simple. I'm a woman, and I dated a man. He was a stand-up comedian.

We broke up. And I don't have any identity, so I was like, I'm just going to do what he did, yes. Fantastic. Wow. Unbelievable honest answer from Layla. You're such a genuine person.

I think it really helps your entire everything. The hello, hi in the beginning. You took your time. You should have peed before this. Made you very human. You connected with the people. It seems like you have a great fundamental understanding kind of of how comedy works.

Oh, thank you so much. I'm on my period right now. See what I mean? Right. The vulnerability, the realism of it all. Absolutely incredible. Are you like this when you're not on your period? I look angrier when I'm not on my period.

Wow. Reverse, people from Ajbejan are different. Ajfijan, when they're on their period, they're happier. She's wet. Thank you, Red Band. Absolutely crushing tonight. Talk more, please. Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

Isn't there a wacky fucking Middle Eastern sound effect that you can think of? Jesus fucking Christ. Layla, what do you do for a living? I make dildos. No, you don't. This is true. I should have peed before.

What do you mean? you make dildos because I buy dildos. So I mean, this makes us a perfect couple, Leila. Yeah, I'm... You make actual dildos in a factory or at home? I sketch them. Wow. You draw dildos.

You do the outline for the dildos that are made? The new one that are going to be made. You are the designer of dildos? Yes. Holy shit. Oh my God. Wow. Seems like a hard job to be original.

It's the crazy, we went from talking about sourdough and pickles. For a Muslim girl, yes. And now it's dill dough. And sourdough with pickles, dill dough. What are the odds of that? If you had that at Draft Kings using the promo code Giltony, you just made $9 billion. So how many dildos do you think you've designed?

It's 20 maybe. Wow. Yeah. It's actually easier to design fantasy dildos. Like you don't have to see any like dicks or anything. Like you just fantasize about them

because you haven't seen them in a long time. So that's how I make them. Wow. And so there's a printing company or a factory that makes your wishes come true. I know all about it. I work at the end of the assembly.

line. I get on all fours and they check them in my ass before they put them in the box. And I go, it's good. It's good. That one's good. That one's good. That's another winner. Keep them coming.

Dream job. Can I commission a dildo? From you? Can I get a custom? Yes, yes. Do you design one that's attached to a woman who used to be a man? Do you need a face too to that? Why not?

Okay. Wow, incredible. What's the biggest dildo you've ever designed? If you could show us with your fingers? Like... Oh, fingers. Lank? Hands, as they're called in asbaghbagh.

Gosh. Oh. What are you, what are you, there you, okay, wow. What was it called? Black. The black Tony, I got Janice's sweet little combo box. It has a big one, a little one, and a small one,

and they're all black and they pulsate. It's called the Barbershop. I highly recommend it. Very good. There you go. Another unbelievable thing from Red Band, who's clearly losing his fucking mind tonight. It's on Amazon.

Great, yes, I believe you. No one gives the fuck, though. That has nothing to do with the person up here and everything that's happening. Very good. Go check out Red Band's Dildo plug, everybody. Are you trying to get, like, free one? No, I already got it.

Just stop. Jesus Christ. He's coming on glute. He's on a diet of peanut butter and jellies. Get this man a grilled cheese. Unbelievable. Favorite sandwich. Unbelievable.

The uncrustable Brian Red Band. Lela, what's your love life like? You're with no one since you broke up with the comedian a year ago. Is that the gist I'm getting? Yeah, well, I started seeing another comedian after that. And we didn't even, it wasn't even. situation ship, it was like a hug me in, she, she

kind of, like, she just wanted to hug. Is it a female? No, he... He just wanted to hug? He looks gay, yeah. But he's a man. He's a man. He just, yeah, wanted to hug and then he said, I'm back with my ex. I don't want to hug anymore. So that was

honestly... You you shouldn't date any more comedians because you're going to be funnier than all of them. That's true. That's true. It's going to be a lot of jealousy. It's true. They're just going to drag you down and be jealous, and it's amazing. Go ahead, Joe.

I was just going to, I think you might have said it already. How long have you been doing comedy? One year. You're really fucking good. Yeah. Really great. Uh-oh, Joe's trying to be the next comedian. Uh-oh.

I need some coattails to ride. I need some dildos to ride. No, I'm serious. You're really, really funny. Like you're off to a very, very strong start. You're going to be very good. Be yourself. You're going to kill it.

It means a lot. Thank you. Of course. All right, Layla. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. The debut of Layla, everybody.

She could draw Q3's pipeline in that notebook. Her social media is Hahan Hanova. Adam Lucky, who had a great set earlier, is Adam. lucky with an E before the Y and lucky. You guys still having fun out there, huh? We're coming around the mountain now. We're coming around the corner. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Mickey Genosi, everybody, or Mikey Genosi.

What's going on, Austin? I've been living here for a couple months now, and I think my favorite thing about Texas is your guys' lingo. Like, I love how you guys call all your thick Latinas tortes down here. you know, because that's just a Mexican sandwich. How have we not started doing that with all of the races? Like, if you hook up with a big Asian girl, you could be like, yeah, I fucked a steam bun last night. I took home a bond me, you know?

If you're talking about a big white girl, you'd be like, yeah, Becky was hot in high school, but once she got married and had a couple kids, that bitch is a straight hoagie now, you know? God damn. If you're talking about a big black girl, you can be like, man, this girl didn't look anything like her online profile. picture. I thought I matched with this busty African queen on hinge, but when she showed up, she was a catfish poboy, you know?

I got one more. Can I do one more? I know it's not a race, but I do have one for little people, so. If you're at a bachelor party, and you're like, hey, did you hear Jake fucked that thick midget stripper last night? You'd be like, whoa, whoa, man, you can't say that. It's

2026. You got a pupergressive. You know they prefer to be called slider now. Fuck yeah. Absolutely perfect. Mickey Janosy? That's correct. Hell yeah, welcome, welcome. How long you've been to win stand-up?

Nine years. I love it. Where at? Cleveland. Whoa. Up there at hilarities, huh? Yep, hilarities is my home club. Shout out hilarities, man.

Best clubs in the country. We love it. We love it. Absolutely awesome. What do you think, Mike? A lot of sandwich humor. Yeah. You got red band.

Hard is a rock over there. The horniest he's been all fucking. Day. So, Mickey, you're born and raised in Cleveland? Akron originally, but lived in Cleveland for like the last five years. There you go. I was right in between you there in Youngstown. How old are you?

I am 32. 32. Okay, incredible. What do you do for work? I sell mortgage products. Ooh, mortgage products? Yeah, I basically destroy people's equity. That's what I do in their house.

Amazing. People in Cleveland that really, really are... No, all over the country. Okay, good. Good. At least we keep it spread around. What's your love life like, Mickey? I was in a long-term relationship, and we tried to do long distance,

and we just had to kind of cut it off, so... Yeah, when did that end? A couple months ago. Okay. And what have you been doing since then? Are you excited about it? If you've met anyone, have you talked with anyone? Are you on any of the apps?

No, I'm just trying to focus on, like, getting booked in everything right now, and I feel like everything else will just kind of fall into place, you know? Yeah. So nothing, nothing yet. Nothing here in Austin? How long you've been here? I've been here for about seven months now, so no, I'm just, just chilling right now. So you moved here seven months ago? Yep. Have you kissed a girl since you've been here? I have not. Well, let me tell you something. Can we get the red interior lights on real quick? Because we have a segment on this show for the last 13 years called Kiss Me. Whoa, we have. already got one standing up.

Here she comes, everybody. Like a lucky Price is right winner. This bitch was ready. Holy shit. Wow, my friend. You are about to get your first Texas kiss. And everything's bigger here in Texas, including the herpes that you're about to get.

Mickey Genosi. This is very exciting. This show, oh, he's putting gum in his mouth. It's very exciting. I gave him a cinnamon. Ladies and gentlemen, his first kiss. Live podcasts in the world

and it's brought to you by Shopify Tacobas and Saly. That was legit. That was fucking legit. I gave you a cinnamon and now she has it. Yeah, she has it. It's amazing. That bitch almost ate your head off, Mickey Genosi. She's signing a waiver right now.

Last time a lady came on to do that, she refused to sign the waiver so we had to blur out and it was the worst. fucking kiss imaginable. She did like a peck on like the cheek and she's like, pique, whatever. She was a lot hotter than whatever that haggard thing was. But you got

very lucky there. That is incredible. I don't give a shit, you know. I'm not judging. What? I said I'm into it. I don't give a shit. I love it. Hell yeah. You were doing good. Yeah, you almost got pregnant from that kiss. That was incredible. There was a lot of bodily fluids exchange. How about what's your...

Yeah, there's a kid. She went in the wrong row. He's high. What's your name, sweetheart? How about a hand for step, everybody? Stepping up, being a real team player. She's back with her boyfriend. Some dude's going to be picturing his...

When he's fucking or later, he's going to think of your sperm head. He smelled that gum. I just want to say, that guy has hair, too, so she obviously has a thing for bald guys. So that's... She let it rip. Okay, turn the lights back down. Very good. Not him.

All right. Mickey, how do you feel now? I feel great, man. Hell yeah. You had a great set. You did it all on one subject. Your materials tight. Everything was good.

Even earned a little extra time there to finish your sliders joke, which is great. Everything's great. I would shorten the setups just a little bit. Like, you're like right there. You know what I mean? You don't have to even do a midget, like a setup thing. You can just go high hook up. You can find a device to get to those punches even quicker.

You know, like hooked up with a midget girl. She was a real thick midget. girl, she was a real fucking slider. You know, like, bing, bing, bing, just find ways. It's tricky out there, you know, when you're on the road and stuff. Again, you know, starting at the store and being around the greats, what you learn is, short, short, short, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, how do you get there faster?

And you have such great, such a great premise. I don't know how many like that you have, that some people like to extend out those one subject bits, but in all reality, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then you're on to the next one, the next one, the next one, because if you can write a minute about sandwich, torta, girl, things like that, then you can pretty much write about anything with that great brain of yours, so congratulations.

Oh, thank you, man. I appreciate it. Here's a big joke book to Mickey Genosi, everybody, is Kill Tony debut. I'm pretty sure it's all debuts tonight except for Adam Lucky, who ripped the roof off the joint. This is a fun show. You guys having as much fun as I am tonight?

I love this. This might be our last bucket pool and I make some noise for Austin Gerstenslager. Thank you. My name's Austin Gerstenslager. I just realized I look exactly like how my last name sounds. I've been going to the same barber for a while. I keep telling her I want to look more youthful.

I think she thought I meant Hitler youthful. No, last time I saw her, I had a mustache. She was like, I think we should just take a little bit off the sides. Go for that Charlie Chats. Captain, Michael Jordan, look, you know. Let's see, I recently moved back in with my grandparents. That's been a lot of fun. No, it's cool.

I don't have to pay rent anymore. I don't have to do my own laundry. But the only woman I ever have over now is my grandma. I... No, it's weird. The hardest part about having a woman over is when the sex gets really loud. I have to awkwardly knock on their door

and ask my grandparents to be quiet. All right, that's been my time. Austin Gersenslager. One of the most fun names to say in the history of the show. Oh, yeah. Welcome, Austin. How long you been doing stand-up? Two years.

Two years. We're at. San Diego. San Diego. Did you move here, or do you still live in San Diego? I still live in San Diego, just here for the week. I love it. What do you been doing this week?

Oh, just stand-up, just trying to hit mics, eating barbecue. It's been cool. Hell yeah. And you kept it off your shirt. Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Amazing. Yeah.

Good job. I think you're great, man. One of my only notes, this is just show business thinking, you might want to change your name. It sounds a little ridiculous. Yeah. Good luck getting a business run by the Jews to book a Mr. Gerson Schlaugger. Yeah, what should he change it to Adolf?

No, wait. Adolf H. I didn't get the bit out. Well, you should have to do shorter setup. One thing I've learned from the grades is that if you keep your setups real short, trim the set up. Let me do the books. Let me do the joke, please.

Okay, all right. Here we go. Start the clock, Red Band. You want to change your name because it sounds a little ridiculous, and you might want to change your last name also. Come on. I literally, all that, and I still don't get your joke. His first name is ridiculous.

Oh, got it, got it, got it. Christ, come on. Wow. Wow, sometimes the juice ain't worth the squeeze. Hey, you leave the Jews out of it. He doesn't like that kind of thing. Little fun fact for you die-hard kill Tony fans. I never make fun of the panelists.

So if Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Louis C.K. Or Dave Chappelle are watching, which I know they do sometimes, just know that DeRosa is an exception to my rule. He's one of my closest drinking buddies, and I swear I will never make fun of you guys. If you're on panel, we make fun of the bucket pools, we definitely make fun of fucking retard over here. But I will never pick on you, Mr. Rock, Seinfeld, C.K. or Chappelle.

Remember that. Fair enough. But you. You fucking pick. I have a similar rule. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Let's start the countdown.

I usually don't make fun of the host of the podcast. podcast someone, except for you fucking retard. We're really good friends. We talk on the phone sometimes during the daytime. Crazy. Very short. He likes to keep it long, but I'm always like, I got

something to do. Someone's calling me. I'm like, Jesus. Anyway, Mr. Gershton Schlaugger. I love it. What are your parents like? What's the Gerson Schlaugger family like? I mean, is it as scary as we think it is?

My dad was in prison growing up. In prison? Oh, yeah. He was in prison growing up. He had all the tattoos, you know. Wow. Yeah. He was in the prison.

Was he working at? No, no. He was in prison. Okay. Yeah, I'm almost 17. He wasn't a teenager at the time. Oh, God. Amazing.

I mean, I'm really looking at this guy. The eyes, the hair. I mean, this is like literally Hitler's wet dream. You would have been his right-hand man back in the day. Oh, great. I feel like he could play. sting in the police years in the documentary.

How about mom? What's mom like? School? She's... Cool. She supports you doing stand-up. Oh, yeah. You have a real job as well? Oh, yeah. I do IT, basically. Okay. Yeah. All right. You surf? I body surf.

Oh, that's awesome. I'm kind of a pussy. I'm not going to really... Well, I'm gay, too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right. Austin Gersten Schlaugger. Isn't it fun? You guys all want to say it?

Let's do it on three. One, two, three. Austin Gerstenschlager. It's fun, right? All right, Austin, you're getting a big joke book. I've run out of them up here. We'll get you one in the back on your way out. All right, let's squeeze in one last bucket pool, huh?

Let's go to overtime, just one. Your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going to Aaron Helts, everybody. Aaron Helps. I learned this today. They're called unit sex bathrooms because you can have sex in them one time

before they escort you out of T.J. Max. They were very adamant about the second time it was a no-go, you know? I watch pornography. I was watching this video of this lady. Nice lady, I don't know, fucking... She was doing nice things to two gentlemen at the same time.

I didn't fucking like it. click, you know, dislike. Thumbs out. That's just giving that lady too much power. At any point in time, she can be like, you know what? And now I'm a gay guy? I'm just trying to get a blowjob with my best friend. Now I'm into something new.

What if she touches them together? It's like jumper cables. It sparks. I'm like, I got to get out of this T.J. Max. They already do not like me. My name's Aaron Hill. Holy shit. What the fuck? Freethel. Jesus. Christ.

Almighty. What the fuck are you? Hello. Wow. Aaron Helts. Holy shit. Where have you been? Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Wow. Baton Rouge. That's where you live? Yeah. Still? Yeah. How long you been to stand-up? Three years.

Three year. Fuck yes. Good shit. Yeah, you pulled my buddy Brock. Yeah. We drove here together. You guys drove here together. And two different people from El Paso also were

pulled tonight. Absolutely an amazing night for a dear trusty bucket of destiny. He's my best black friend. Amazing. Aaron, you are so funny. How much material do you think you have of that caliber? Solid, 20 minutes. Wow. We got to work hard. There's not a lot of opportunities. I mean, there is, but we got to travel hours to do, like, we got to make shit, like, count. Yeah, it's a long trip. How long does that drive? What? How long was that drive? What? How long was that drive? It's like eight hours or thing.

Why don't you do another minute? You want to do another minute? One more minute from Aaron Health. I mean, that minute was so fucking crazy. I have to see another minute. We gotta see what's going on. All right, me and my wife have been together since we were 15 years old. I'm 30, so it's been too long, actually, I think, too long.

We're the only people we've ever had sex with. So when it came to sex, we were like homeschool kids. We were making a lot of shit up, you know? He's like, I don't think I should be upside down for this. And I'm like, well, it feels good. So we're going to do that every time. My poor wife has scoliosis. It's terrible.

Like a fucking neck brace and everything. Just keep going. Keep going. A little bit more. All right. What do you guys think? Should we have them do a little bit more? What the fuck?

Ask boring interview questions. Or we could have a great fucking stand-up. Do stand-up. up. I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I don't really care. If you wouldn't have clapped, we'd be fucking doing it anyway. Fucking give a fuck. One more time. Here's another minute from Aaron Helts, everybody. Yeah, lay in.

As a straight white man, I believe that trans porn is the straightest porn. Because, I mean, regular porn's 50-50. You get a woman and a man that's 50-50. But with trans porn, you can play with those percentages, you know? You get 60-40. You get a fucking trans woman, regular woman, 75%. That's a lot of woman. Trans-man, trans woman.

You're back to 50-50. You're good. But it's like driving in England. It's like you got to eat used to it. You know, like the titties are on the other side. Wow. Crowd goes absolutely wild. Excellent.

Yeah. Wow. Wow. Excellent. Excellent. Man, that, that, I mean, you came out so strong. I'm a sucker for, like, a good misdirection joke. They always make me laugh.

The T.J. Max thing was fucking great. It really was, man. Yeah. And then you just kept getting better from there. And honestly, man, I love that you're like, you're almost like an edgy or, like, Jeff Foxworthy in the sense that, like, you have these, like, edgy jokes, but you say them kind of clean. Yeah. Don't lose that. Don't lose that.

Don't lose that. The fact that you're saying edgy shit, but you're saying it in, like, a friendly, clean. way. That's fucking great, man. That's great. Don't lose that. It could just be the car heart and the mustache. That's making it very foxworth. It's worked for everybody tonight. You're incredibly likable, and it's like,

you're like, you got that thing where it's like, I want to hang out with this dude after. You know what I mean? So, I appreciate that. Yeah, that's huge. Thank you. Just don't hang out with Joe. Because he'll...

What do you do for work, Aaron? I'm a firefighter. Wow. Wow. In Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. How long you've been doing that for? Ten years.

What's the craziest thing that you've seen out firefighting? Oh, man, it's Baton Rouge. I mean, other than the sad, like, gang violence stuff, the craziest thing is I saw two drunk dudes, like they're super drunk. Then they hugged each other goodbye at a bar, and then they got in the same car. Amazing.

That's what Baton Rouge is about. Amazing. Just looking at your bro, just being like, we just might not make it home tonight. And that's how Jazz Fest started. Aaron, I find you unbelievably hilarious. And I think you've done Baton Rouge

a great thing here today. Ladies and gentlemen, that's a Gordon ticket. everybody. To the Kill Tony Universe. That's how it goes, buddy. Thank you so much. Great interview, great sets, multiple sets, all at once. It's one of the first times I think I've ever done that like that continuously.

You handled the pressure perfectly. Funny on your feet. Unbelievably great stand-up. Congratulations and welcome. We'll see you again real soon. That's as good as it goes, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Aaron Helks. Almost didn't pull him, by the way.

almost went to our final regular of the night and what a fucking way to finish. I mean, holy shit. That was amazing. Unbelievable. I honestly, no joke. I got a little teary seeing him get the golden ticket

because I realized it meant he'll be selling more tickets than I do in a week. It's true too. I love it. All right. In episode like this, there's only one way to end it.

and William Montgomery is sick. And Ari Maddie added dates to his thing. And Timmy No Break's saving material. It takes a long time for Timmy to be able to generate the type of material that he does perform. So, boy, do I have good news for you. This regular, I think, is one of the most promising ones

we've ever had in our entire fucking history. He's unbelievable. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from your new favorite comedian in the world. His name is Pat O'Neill, everybody. I was born on 420. And boy, did he like smoking jays.

People are on TikTok now, which just used to be what I said when I saw Muslims at the airport. Times were changing. Last year, my little brother, he was a part of the Queers for Palestine protests. Ah, yes, gay Muslims. Better known as ghosts. Okay, uh, that's it. Favorite fucking comedian.

We're not fucking around here anymore. This is the attitude era of Kill Tony. That is the greatest Hitler joke I've ever heard in my entire life. 20 fucking years I've been doing this goddamn shit. Waiting for that. Somehow it's been right there. Mike Fanoia.

I've always wanted to see a David Lynch movie do stand-up. And you are going to do. Yeah. Holy shit. That was fantastic. It's like terrifying but also very nice. Just like you. Just like you.

Pat O'Neill, you are the real fucking deal. I mean, that joke, 40-some seconds of laughter. I thought about just stopping after that, but it was fucking... It was great. It was great that you just segued right into TikTok. You got to laugh off your setup by just jumping into something, which is just fucking great. Thank you.

You are a jokesmith. It is incredible. All the way down to the finish. Huge laughs. The opener, huge laughs with the closer. I mean, you're fucking doing it. You're living the dream, buddy. How do you feel?

Oh, fucking fantastic. Yeah. The episode's coming out today. We're more regular, so fucking better. Yeah, we've taped quite a few ahead. For those of you that might not know, we take one break per year for a few weeks. And that happens late May, early June.

So we tape ahead. We get a few episodes ahead so that we can actually take a once-a-year fucking little vacation while also putting out episodes every Monday. So what's amazing is your witnessing Pat O'Neill here, but people are finding out about him tonight on the episode airing right now. But he's killed so many times in a row that it's incredible that by the time they hear this, people are going to go, what the fuck?

But then we're going to be back one week. behind again. So a little fun fact. Last week we were talking at Mitzies after the show. And, um, right? Was it at Mitzies or was it on stage about the rent? Right? You were like, you like had to pay your rent.

And the landlord's like, yeah, yeah. And you're like, look, I swear I'm about to be famous as fuck. Yeah, yeah. Stop working my job. And then they asked for fucking pay stubs. I was like, you gotta believe me. I'm going to be famous. Yeah.

It's funny because it's happening right now in real time on the internet. Here you are killing again live on one of our final tapings before that big break that we're very excited about. That was great, man. And I feel like you're living proof that people will be comics, older comics will bitch and go, oh, you can't do this subject anymore. You can't do that subject. Oh, Hitler jokes we've heard. No, it's like your proof that it doesn't matter what the subject is.

It matters how you write it. and fucking do it. Yeah. And the venue that you do it in, you could also do a unbelievably great set at, say, like a political rally. But it might not get the love it deserved, even if it's well written and well delivered.

Super refreshing delivery, too, dude. Yeah, amazing. Always fun. And I have that shirt. Yeah, when you were at the fish concert. Yeah, at the sphere. My whole outfit looked like that for about eight minutes. I love it.

Pat O'Neill, I'm so excited you're part of our goddamn dance that you do here, ladies'all. A real deal. Thank you, folks. Ooh, new nickname, the real deal, Pat O'Neill. Great job. There you go.

On to the next one. And by that, I mean, that's it. We fucking did it. Let's check in with the drawing from Chris Rogers over there. Ooh, it's Heidi. Heidi, after she gets a lot of work done for some reason.

I mean, that looks like a fucking, what is that, her in 20 years? What the fuck is he doing to you, Heidi? Oh my God. Jesus, Chris. What the fuck? Patty cake, patty cake. What do you hate white women?

What's going on over there? Ryan Jee belt's drawing is great. Guys, see Mike Finoya on tour. How fucking funny was Mike Vanoya's debut? Mike Finnoia Comedy.com. He's going everywhere. He's all over. Check out his show on Sirius XM,

The Grateful Dead Channel. It's called The Saturday Night Shakedown with Mike Vanoia. Mike, you were fucking awesome. What a great first time on panel, dude. Fucking awesome, bro. Thank you. And how about one more time

for the best damn band in the land? I'm kidding. One more time for Jodorosa, everybody. Come on. Demand the myth. Plug your stuff. I didn't get to ask you. My new podcast, Violin Horendous, is out now

on YMH. Please listen to it. Get it on my YouTube at Joe DeRosa Comedy. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you, Tony. Thank you guys for having me. Joe de Rosa is the man.

Not only is he one of the great stand-ups in the world. The Rose Garden, plug that too. Yeah, my new special, I never promised you a rose garden is also on my YouTube. Check that out as well. That's a Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. Joe de Rosa Comedy on YouTube. You guys have to watch that special. If you haven't, go do that right now.

I never promised you a rose garden at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube. One of the best specials in recent time. This episode was brought to you by Shopify, Takova's, and Salie. our newest sponsor. We're very excited about Red Band. Coming to San Diego, July 9th through 11th, American ComedyCo.com. We love you guys. God bless America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.