KILL TONY - KILL TONY #776 - BRIAN MOSES + DAVE LANDAU

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

Dave Landau, Brian Moses, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 06/29/2026 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:  Quo: Money is on the line. Always say hello with QUO. Try it for free & get 20% off your first 6 months at https://Quo.com/KILLTONY  TalkSpace: Find the licensed provider that’s the right fit for your needs at https://Talkspace.com/TONY  Shopify: Own your customer relationships. Own your revenue. Start with a free trial at https://shopify.com/killtony   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill T'Ton. Here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Gera Tony! It's great.

Sosa Tresleches on the horns. Great Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike on the drums. Matt Mueling on the electric. John Dees on the Keys, and that is D-Madness Live in the Flesh, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God.

We're going to have so much fucking fun tonight. Are you guys excited or what? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode possible for you here right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or watch? Unbelievable guests. They've both been on this show before, one, one time, one many times.

You guys are in for a treat. Two of my favorite guests in the show's history. Two of my favorite comedians. Make some noise for the great Dave Landau and Brian Moses, everybody. Welcome back. Sit right there. Yeah, I'm going to keep Moses. Moses, you come over here.

Moses, over here. We're going to keep the three. Seed empty just in case someone crazy swings by later. Who knows anything can happen? How about one more time for Dave Landau and Brian Moses? Dave Landau, one of my favorite one-time only guests we've ever had on. I'm so glad that you're back for your... It's good to be back.

Thanks for having me. You are a funny guy. You enunciate well. You speak clearly. I'm very excited about that. Thank you. I try. Brian Moses is here.

Not the best enunciator. He be from the mean source. streets of San Diego. So don't let the camera colors confuse you. I am blacker than he is. No, no, there he is. No, Moses is the man. He is the creator and host

of Roast Battle. If you've ever seen or heard of a roast battle, that was Moses who started that in the belly room just months after Kill Tony started. Both Kill Tony and Roast Battle started in the same tiny room, the attic of the comedy store 13 years ago, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't that something? We've done Madison Square Garden and the Intuit Dome and so many giant arenas, the O2 arena in London.

We've done giant arenas, and Moses did the belly room of the comedy store. And now they do the main room of the comedy store on Tuesdays. No, we don't, actually. We actually don't do that. We're still in the main, yeah, belly room. There you go. Anyway, it's great to be here, Tom.

Thanks for having me back. It's your birthday recently. Yeah, our birthday. You've known each other for 19 years. I've been a week older than you. And this is also your month, right? It's gay pride. Yes, it is.

That's it. This is good. I was gonna surprise you with that after the show. I was gonna remind you exactly what fucking month it is. Yeah. You can give me some of your AIDS medication? Hello? Prep.

That's what it's called. So that an interesting thing. Prep, the name of an AIDS medication. Only if you already have AIDS, can you take it? Did you know that? Of course I did, Tony. All right. So you guys have done this show before.

You guys know how it works? Do you guys excited to be here? I have a bucket filled with over 200 human beings' names. Absolutely anything can happen here. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap that up then. I'll still like going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear of you guys and gentlemen.

That's right. to let this guy that definitely storm the Capitol on January 6th pull the first name out of the bucket. I mean, look at this fucking guy. Holy shit. You look like you would hate Brian Moses if you saw him out on this street. You work in D.C.?

Okay, that's it. See what I made? I fucking nailed it. Was that the Capitol on January 6th does hate black people? Let's start tonight's show. While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner here. We're waiting right behind that.

curtain. But it's not just any golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. This is his first time ever cashing in, which means it's his second time ever on this show, his first time cashing in on his golden ticket that he won in Las Vegas, Nevada, on Netflix, in partnership with the WWE. He was a magical performer on that night. I barely remember because I'm so concussed from getting chokeslam through a table by The Undertaker. But he's back. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first new minute of Chris Waldek, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, what is up, Boston, Texas?

I'm excited to be here. I'm excited from coming from Vegas because it's so nice to be in a state that actually has a football team that wins sometimes. I feel like if you have to cheer for the Raiders, you really can't talk shit about the Cowboys, honestly. Oh my gosh, but yes, ladies and gentlemen, I know. You'll probably hear my voice. You're just thinking, like, you know, finally someone who has voice articulation or enunciation, you know? But the cool thing, ladies and gentlemen,

is that, like, you're also probably a little weirded out because you're seeing me on stage. You haven't been the presence of an autistic gangster before, you know what I mean? That's right. My street name is not so slim nuggets. As you can probably tell, Raybo, I said, I don't have a very close relationship with women.

In fact, I actually have a close relationship with the stock market that I do with most women. Because at least the stommerer would go down on me. And sometimes return my... calls. If you left out that last part, congratulations got a great credit score. Thank you guys. Chris Waldek is back on Kill Tony. Your first performance was amazing. There's people breaking bottles over their heads. They're so excited. Wow. Look at this guy. Look at this tough guy. Lasted the first 60 seconds of the show

before his first pee break. How about a hand for the Small Bladder Award winner of the night? let him use the ladies room everybody will you guys open up the ladies room for that young man? I mean, what a pussy. Absolutely incredible. Usually the ladies are the ones who run when I'm up here. Oh, there he is. Chris Waldek.

Very good. Self-deprecation. He gets it. I love it. So, hell yeah. Started with some football jokes that were funny. It's tough to get going with football jokes, but you did it. You nailed it an original take on a bunch of teams.

that suck the Raiders and the Cowboys. And then we got into the good stuff. Autistic gangster and the stock market goes down on you. What is your love life like, Chris? Well, I was... It's nice to hear my alarm clock again. Oh, man, you are a funny improviser. We've been playing that sound effect for people's sad moments

since I think the inception of the fucking show and no one's ever rolled with it quite like that. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. You're the man. So keep going about this love life situation. Well, it's been going like kind of a little bit better. I did go on one date after the kill Tony May.

I think that went pretty good. You had a little, a little dame slid into your DMs or something like that? Yeah, yeah. It was kind of like just like kind of a brief thing. You know, it didn't really last, but just like, at least a fun night, you know? What did you do that night? What is an autistic man like you do with a woman? Where do you take them?

What exact calculator-factory do you take them to to get the? those juices flowing. Well, we kissed a little bit, and then I kind of put her... Ooh. Look, good. But then I kind of put her to sleep because I was talking too much about the movie we were watching. Oh, what was the movie you were watching?

Dream scenario, ironically. Oh, I don't know that one. Can you describe? You are one of your amazing autistic features is that you know a lot about movies. Tell these people about Dream Scenario. Well, Dream Scenario is produced by Ari Aster, and the same director of the dream scenario is the same guy who also made that hereditary. Oh, yeah, well, yeah, he made hereditary, and he also produced Sasquatch Mountain, and he also directed Midsummer.

He directed, yeah, he directed the one with Lockheen Phoenix. I always forget the name off the top of my head, but it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that one. What was it? Can you repeat that real quick? Bo was afraid. Oh, Bo's afraid, yeah, that one, too. Oh, is afraid. See, that's what I was talking about earlier.

Eddington was the one I was referring to, Eddington, Bo's Afraid. And, yeah, and then he also produced a lot of stuff like Sasquatch Mountain. produced this new, this new one. He also produced the one with Zendai, Robert Pattinson that just got a, release. So this is the same director as well for that one. So it was like, I'm more of a dark comedy. It's like, Nichols-Cade shows up in your dreams basically. That's what it was. It's like,

Nicholas Cates, like a reverse Freddy Kruger, and then things start up well, and then they take a very, very dark turn. I could see why the day went wrong. My pussy just dried up. My pussy's always wet. And you just made my pussy dry up with all that movie knowledge. Brian Moses.

Yep, you know what happened. How many characters does Adam Ray have? This is... This is one of my favorite ones. This is Adam Ray playing Steva going through a diabetes battle. I get that every time. Even when my laugh after dark clips went out, like I was still getting everyone was like, oh man,

Adam Ray's doing well. I'm like, oh, I'm honored, I'm honored. He's amazing, but you know, I'm like, no, not Adam Ray, Chris Waldek. You're killing it, Chris. You know, most people, you can't tell they're autistic until you start talking to them. Not you.

That shirt. That shirt just comes out guns of blazing. I mean, that is... Where do you get a shirt like that? Is there like special stores, like forever autistic or... I wish there was a store that was forever autistic because I'd probably fit in more. In fact, I actually fit in more of the warehouse I work out.

Like, they were like, well, then they actually saw him, I killed Tony Mania performance. Wait, is that that dude that walks around like a fucking turn signal? That's you. Okay. So all that you got that night were some kisses from that girl. It was fun, though. It's been a while, so it was fun.

Perfect. Kisses are fun. Have you kissed a girl ever in Texas before? Actually, yeah, I have. Oh, well, in that case, fuck it. Fuck myself, God, yeah. See, sometimes these autistic people, little too on. You were close there, buddy.

I love it. So what else is going on in life, Chris? How else is life changed since your last performance? Or what else is going on? Well, I've been getting a lot more, like, you know, just kind of like getting recognized a lot more, but, you know, doing a lot of stuff in my home club, the LA Comedy Club over in Vegas at the Stratosphere.

But also, I got my, I got the cancer moving on the side of my head, so that's pretty good. Nice. No more cancer. Party time. Hell yeah, buddy. Yeah, I actually realized that. I'm actually, I actually like going to the doctors more

because doctors make me feel less autistic. Oh, yeah. Because they actually have more. worse communication skills than I do. What do you mean? Can you give an example of that? Well, I'll just explain what happened when they were taking the cancer out of the side of my head. Like when they were doing that, like, the things that they were saying were just like, so like, when they were like inside? Because I had to be awake the whole time. They just numb me up.

So I had to be awake while they were like doing the stuff. And the one guy was like, he was inside there. He was looking at my head. He's like, wait, this isn't a small, this is a medium. And I was like, you motherfucker. There's only two appropriate times that you can say that. when you fuck up my order McDonald's or when a girl takes my pants off. That's literally the important time. Chris Waldick, you're a funny guy. I love it.

Anything else we should cover, Chris? You got the show started for us. Anything else nuts we're missing? What do you think? Well, I'd like to know, you know, your special needs. Are you working with a nice pepper milk cock? A nice what?

A good-sized cock. We should let the world know. That's usually the benefit is you have to look like you but you have a nice dick. We know that you know exactly. You're not going to believe it, but actually I did find out at Skangfest. I do have a big dick.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Let the world know, my friend. I, uh, yeah. It was during my first naked roast battle that I did for Skangfest. Like, uh, my, my opponent, he wanted, uh, he wanted me to actually send a picture in advance of like, like, see what I was working with. I'm like, dude, I'm average because, like, you know, I'd watched a lot of porn, so I figured I was just average and stuff.

And then the girl started crying. And then, uh, and then, uh, And then like, when we take our pants down during the skank fist thing, he looks at me, he's like, what the fuck, dude, you got a goddamn hog. That's what he said. That's hilarious. The producer from like the naked rose, like, walks backstage. He looks at him. He's like, God damn, dude, you got a big dick.

And he looks at him walks out. Right before my opponent has to go on stage, I'm like, he's like, God damn, I fucking lost already. That's literally what he said. If you did porn, though, it'd be squirt only. You call it Rain Man. Hey. That's genius. Yeah.

Moses, you should guess. direct that. That is incredible. You have a huge bush, right? Untrimmed. Oh, yeah, yeah. Judging by his neck, it's a train wreck. It's amazing.

Well, you know what's the craziest things that you mentioned that, actually? People on the autism spectrum, a lot of people often say that a lot of them, they often don't know that people on the autism spectrum actually have higher sex drives

than most normal typicals. And it's a real fun fact. And a lot of people are surprised by that. I'm like, I don't know why they're so surprised. All that time that we spend playing with trains, to run some too. Amazing.

When you're... Boom. Oh, there it is. The trademark. That's raw autism. That's raw autism. Damn right it is. Boom.

So I just, I have to ask because of what just happened here. When you're talking with autistic people, you call us typicals? I've never heard of this before. And for the first time, maybe in my life. life, I'm offended. 42 years it took. And what a storyline. It was an autistic golden ticket winner

that ended up stabbing me in the back. Well, I was saying, not knowing that there's neurotypical and atypical, it's actually kind of an untypical response. She may be on the right track here, honestly. Well, Tony. Holy shit. You are something special. Literally.

Chris, congratulations. You got the fucking party started tonight. Welcome, welcome. All the way from Las Vegas, Nevada, his first time in Austin. One more time for Chris Waldek, ladies and gentlemen. And now to the

bucket we go, everybody, the beating heart of the show, where we have found everybody, every regular, every golden ticket winner, everybody that's ever bombed, everybody that's ever done good, everybody that's ever proved their enemies wrong or right. Anything can happen

right now. We're going to meet them all together at once, your first bucket hole of the night. Doing a minute, uninterrupted, goes by the name of James Morris. James Morris. I've been told to make a great first impression. Second impression, not so much. I'm a social arsonist. I burn bridges wherever I go.

First time, sorry. Sorry for Richie. I took your spot probably. Okay. This is my impression of Ross Perrault doing indie. do an indecent proposal. Now listen here, Demi. I'm going to pay you $1 million.

Don't worry about me. I have plenty more where that came from. All I want to hear is a giant sucking sound coming from the South. If my life was a movie, here are some of the titles. Single white male, one angry man,

American ugly, scarred face, no country for this man James so you reached the final maximum allotted time welcome welcome this is your first time on the show right it's my first time doing anything first time doing anything wow you gotta love that

I believe you get back to the microphone you fucking serial killer get over there the interview portion of the show they have to hear you they have to hear you talk here so James Morris welcome welcome how old are you 59 I love it.

What made you want to do something as crazy as start stand-up comedy here tonight on the biggest show in the industry? Short version. Watch it all my life. I could do Eddie Murphy delirious from start to finish, all that stuff. Mitch Hedberg, but also my one good friend from high school, I still have his little brother is Brian Hersey. Okay. And I don't know if you know Brian Hersey. He opened for comics like Doug Stanhope and stuff like that before he offed himself.

and uh oh and uh and uh when was that when did he kill himself it was about three years ago three years ago three years ago um Doug even mentioned him on rogan's podcast um and i kind of said that he said that he said that i should try it and i decided you know it was time because my last year that's what's going to be interesting to you is my year 58 yeah tell us about it okay so year 58 i uh had never had a broken bone and i broke six bones in my back how did that happen? Falling off a ladder. What were you doing on that ladder? Sawing a tree limb, and here I thought it was smart enough to make sure that the ladder wasn't below the tree limb.

Right. But then when the tree limb came down, the back half hit the next thing I know I'm being awake up by a neighborhood. Next thing you know, you hear that noise, then you're being woken up by the neighborhood, what? Cat? No, the people doing lawns saw me on the ground. People doing lines? Doing lines. Oh, got it.

Got it. I don't know what kind of neighborhood you live in over there. I know your hearing isn't great. I need to talk at the money. Those are Mexicans. They're called Mexicans. Not people doing lawns. We call them Mexicans. We call them illegal immigrants. That's what we call them. I'm kidding. Or gardeners and landscapers. Whatever. Yeah. Well, I mean, somebody's living in Los Angeles right now. Am I right? This fucking pussy? We call them gardeners than landscapers, actually. What is it? Gay Pride Month? You f*** it. Okay. Anyway. That's how he broke his best. My buddy, by the way.

I'm friends with black people. See that Chelsea? See Kelsey Handler? Fucking bitch. Anyway. Still yapping. She's still yapping on podcast. Fucking twat.

I'll go through the rest real quick. Okay, let's keep going. Six broken bones. Let's talk about your spirit, though. Well, no, I sold my house as is just to get out of it and move on. And then. How as is? Was the latter?

still up against that tree? Joe DeRosa would be unhappy to hear that I left a lot of Atari 400 stuff sitting in the garage. Damn. Wow, you just gave away Atari stuff. Yeah. Damn, why? I just, I was ready to... Ready to grow up.

Well, because you got to... Also, it didn't get any better. That was the easy part breaking the bones in my back. When I was traveling with my dog, I get the call that my mom passed away. Oh. So I go back to town. and getting arguments with my brother and sister on how we're handling and stuff. Stop talking after her memorial.

I find out that then my brother passed away. Oh, my God. This is absolutely incredible. Meanwhile, I'm living in a motel with my dog. Why were you in a motel? Why would you sell your house and Atari 400, as is, and go straight to a motel with your dog? Because Greg Popovich, the head coach of the San Antonio's first, had a stroke.

And this is how far he's falling right now. It's amazing. You do look like Greg Popovich. Do you know who that is? I thought he was Jerry Sandusky. He's breaking backs. Do you know who Greg Popovich is? Yeah, I know who he is.

Okay, good. All right. So keep going. Tell us more about this horrific year. Okay. So I'm staying in the motel because I'm trying to stay local, but I can't. My sister is like a worse version of me

because I'm self-aware of how bad I am. She's not self-aware at all. So everything's an argument and everything's disaster. Of course. So I'm trying to stay. they're just the support and stuff and also my brother's memorial got put past a pushback because uh how did your brother because uh from uh uh i don't know if it's brain cancer or if it's uh give me that air horn one okay it's okay it's he had cancer in his sinuses but i don't know if it's

okay so then what happened you were saying that your sister this that what well no it's just that um that's where i was saying in the motel and also with my dog and then uh while i'm waiting for my brother's Don't you say something happened of this fucking dog. The dog dying. Oh, my God. My God. Give me some dog noises. Give me some fucking dog noises right now, Red Band.

Come on, give it to me. There he is. We actually have a program, a deal. We have a Netflix deal where we can communicate with your dog up in heaven right now. He's very sad. I don't know if you hear him. Okay, I'm just kidding. The next people feel any better.

She was a 12-year-old Great Dane, so she was probably one of the oldest Great Dane's the world. Oh my God. And so and then my final, so before my 59th birthday, two days before my 59th birthday was my brother's memorial and then my first mother's day without my mom. And then my birthday and then I moved to Austin. Holy shit. How long have you been in Austin? For about a month. Wow. Why don't you write a country song? I swear my cousin that came down to visit for my brother's memorial said that it should be a, that year should be a country song and I said, yeah, I would call it 58. Yeah. When I was 58, it was a really bad year.

I don't even like country music, but I did it now. Yeah, you are that guy. That is incredible. So let's talk about some positive things. How has your life improved lately? Has it? Shit. Did you get another dog, anything? No, no, no. I don't want another dog. So what have you been doing? How do you fill the void that you lost by breaking your back, losing your mom, losing your brother, and your dog all in the same year? Because I see a smile on your face. Well, that's the crazy part is that I could be considered nuts. I mean, I've had lifetime depression.

I've been given medication before and stuff like that, and I still survive and everything like that. Are you on the medication? No, no. I don't like medication. They can break your back, but they cannot break your spirit. No, I probably have diabetes and I don't even go to doctor. I just went into keto because I wanted to stay away from doctors. I love it. This is like Austin Big Lebowski. This is fucking Bruker.

Yeah. I was 240 pounds three months ago, or three years ago, and I'm 170 pounds now. I was 135 when I graduated high school. You were tall and skinny, huh? Oh, this is the skinny. I was a stick boy. That's good. Was that before or after integration?

How old are you again? 59. 59. Oh, okay. Happy Juneteenth. Wow. So, James, how long have you been preparing for this kiltony appearance? Well, I wouldn't say I'm pretty lazy.

Yeah, no, we know. You wrote a Ross Perrault indecent proposal joke. I mean, that is, I believe that's a 1991-ish reference, maybe 90, don't think 92. There was supposed to be an intro to that. I didn't even want to use it because, but I started to forget some. of the one-liners that have because it's had Berg. Yeah, you don't want to use your amaterial your first time. No, no, I mean, I was going to sit there and say, hey, you know, I'm going to try to keep it real for all you.

I know your younger crowd and then go into that knowing that it was an old thing. What do you do for, how do you make money? Well, that's the thing. When I sold the house as is, I was able to sell it. I sold it for $50,000 more than what I owed on it. So I've been living off of that. Hell yeah. And do you have any plasma left?

I actually had looked into doing plasma, and I found out that if they injure you, that they don't pay anything. If they hurt you, you don't get money? Yeah, if you seriously hurt you, and have to get hospitalized from the plasma, which are all that stuck. And knowing your luck,

you would have a serious issue in there. Everybody dies. They don't know why. I feel guilty that I was the first one called up because the guy Richie next to me was sitting there going, Yeah, I've been doing this for a long time. You're probably going to get picked first because everybody I talk to gets picked.

Yeah. Yeah, today's the day that your bad luck turned around. You were the first bucket pull. You can thank this meathead right here in the front row. I let him pull it. I should have done it myself. This guy does not look like he has a magical touch at all. Can I ask advice for you?

Absolutely. So I know it's way late in life to build a big stand-up career or whatever, but is it still too late for me to be just a writer and help out other people? You can literally do whatever you want. If you take chances and have fun and you love it, if you fucking love it, if you love open mics and going out and being around a bunch of psychos, you can do fucking anything, buddy.

You could be a stand-up, a writer, whatever the hell you want to be. You could fucking be an Atari 400. Wait, well, you actually can't do that anymore because you sold the fucking Atari, dude. But no, you can literally do whatever you want. It's never too late to start. I'm a gamer, so that's why I killed my time is I can do gaming, but that's boring, so I don't really talk about it.

You're perfect. I wish fucking the other bucket pools would always ignore the gaming thing. You covered your trauma and you have a great story. The set for a first time wasn't that bad. So you're leaving with a big joke book, buddy. Congratulations.

Our first bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen, that's James Morris. A little story. You can break his bones. You can break his heart, but you cannot break his spirit. 59, chasing his dreams. Ooh, the lovely Heidi is here,

ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh, more beautiful in person than on YouTube, believe it or not. Hello there, you know that moment where you text your whole team? Hey, did anyone follow up with that guy and you get silence, tumbleweeds, one thumbs up emoji two hours later? Meanwhile, the customer has already moved on, gotten married, started a new business, and retired. At some point, you're just like, let's fucking quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by quo, spelled QUO, the business phone. system built so you never miss a call. You know who I know that never misses a call. He's always awake, ready, and a hard worker. Red Band. Who me? With Quo, all your calls, text and voicemails live in one place so anyone on your team can pick up a conversation and respond fast. Plus, it's super easy to set up on any device. It literally only takes a few minutes. You can even keep your existing number

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Kiltoni. That's QUO.com slash Keltony. Thanks for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. He goes by the name of Joel Linley, everyone. Here comes Joel. I am a civil rights activist. I go all over our great country. I meet black women who've never been with white men before.

And I desegregate that pussy. I have a dream. I love black women. I'm dating a beautiful Nigerian woman I meant on only scams. Her father's the king of Nigeria. Yeah, yeah. He's on his deathbed and she doesn't have any cousins or even brothers, so believe it or not, I'm next in line for the throne. My first girlfriend, half black, half white. She worked part-time.

Show up late every other day. I love all people. I actually dated a girl. She was a Hindu Indian. She had that red dot on her forehead. I love that woman. I actually went to India to meet her family, but I got arrested at the border trying to smuggle in deodorant. Joel Linley pushing it all the way to the limit there.

Good set. Joel. Welcome, welcome. Amazing. How long you've been doing stand-up? 40 years. No way. Unbelievable. I've been toiling in the minor leagues. How old are you?

I am 59 years old. Two 59-year-olds back-to-back, ladies and gentlemen. Do you believe in miracles? If you bet $1 on that that would happen on prize picks, you would have won $75 million. It is the first time we've ever had two 559-year-olds back-to-back to start the bucket. The other guy has been doing it zero years. He just started for the first time.

Where did you start 40 years ago? I started in Rochester, New York, my hometown of Rochester, New York, for a place called, it's called Yuck Yuck. Yeah. And I'm on to the funny bone. Then I moved to Los Angeles and then New York, and then I've kind of been a career minor league. What years were you in L.A.? I was in L.A. from about 1996 to maybe 2003. Okay.

And I worked all over L.A. I got jobs writing for friends of mine who got development deals, but they didn't go anywhere. And then I just took off with people who had brought me as a feature. And I went on a bunch of tours. Check in with Brian Moses. We work together. I love the set.

I'm just, I'm excited to meet White Jackie Robinson, D-Ded Jackie. Breaking color barriers, breaking Hyman barriers all over the place. It isn't. That's the tagline. I didn't think I had time with it. Yeah, I'll be the Jackie Robinson in your vagina. Batter up! Okay, yeah.

You got it. I like that dream thing too. Maybe the tag should be, after you say, like, I have a dream. It's a wet dream. Yeah. Joel Lindley. So is that true?

You have a thing for black women? I do. I love all women. Beautiful women, black women. Black women, when I was growing up, were the only ones that were up past 9 o'clock. We didn't have a shot at the white girls. Yeah, they've got white guys to rob.

What are you? Hell, yeah. Incredible. I love all women, though. I do. Check in with the great Dave Landau. I don't know if I'm allowed to share this, but it was before cell phones.

Please do. Please do. I'm sure it's a fine. Yeah, I had opened for you, I think, in Pennsylvania. That's right. And, yeah, this was a long time ago. But I remember you had a trick with women where you had a receipt that said $300,000 from your bank account. It was a fake bank receipt. It was a fake bank receipt.

Holy shit. And you would ask for her number and you'd go be like, oh, yeah, let me give you mine. And then you just write it down on the $300,000 fake bankers. Oh. I did have that. My God. Real scammers.

Let me tell you. It was gangster. I got so much pussy. Every night. Every night. Wow. Well, there's what the trick is. You got to, if you have a shitty car like I did,

you got to make sure, you know, the level that you put on there matches, you know, you show up in a burnout fucking Chevy Ford Fiesta or whatever. Yeah. That is. You don't got 300,000. Old school trickery. It is. Did you have any other?

I ended up selling them after my show to make money shirts. I sold DVDs, all that shit to hustle. Right, of course. And what were your other tricks with the ladies? Like if you had that one up your sleeve, which I've never heard of anything, quite that crazy. Well, I would always carry my Red Cross donation card. Oh my God. That way, if she wants me to use a condom, I'm like, no, baby, Red Cross.

I'm good. Look at that. Red Cross, 56 days ago, I donated my shit. Oh my God. You're the reason why Monkey Pock started. That's incredible. Incredible. He is HIV positive. Yeah, exactly.

Incredible. You look great for 59. You're funny as hell. Tell us more about your life. Why? I moved down here. I've been here three weeks. I was supposed to move down

with my friend, Mr. John Mulroney, who had a tragic accident, slipped on some ice and fell. Oh, my God. I heard about that. He passed away, right? Yep, he's coming down here, too. His good friends with Brian Holzman.

That's how I knew about it. He was coming down with me. Amazing. Couldn't make it. Well, look at you. Here you are absolutely thriving. That's incredible. Yeah, man.

It's like fucking Yankee Stadium. Yeah. I mean, for a minor league comic. You're in it. Another reason why you're Jackie Robinson. That's right. So I love it. You're here in Austin, the new, you know, fun place to be doing stand-up.

So you're just really doing it. You have a youthful spirit. I'm doing it, yeah. I have, I work cruise ships, but I made sure I was off every Monday night so I could come back here and get on here. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Well, dude, you're doing it, man.

Come back, sign up again. Give us another minute sometime. We want to hear some of your crazy fucking horror stories and road stories and chaos. Can I give a shout out to the ladies with low self-esteem and good credit? That's all of them pretty much. Hell yeah.

Big Daddy needs a co-signer. Hell yeah. I love it. Nothing easier to find than a black female co-signer. Lord knows, their credit be banging. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here? Performing with the great Quinn Dale.

He brings me around and gives him some days with me. He's fantastic. Yeah, very funny. I got to get him on me here. I'll be every Monday night. Tell Quinn, I want him on panel sometime. Let's do this thing. Here's a big joke book.

Come back again soon. Oh, my bad. That was a bad toss. I over, I over rotated that. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of a 40-year comedy veteran, Joel Linley. 259-year-olds back-to-back to start the show. Can we go 359-year-old white men in a row?

I highly doubt it as I bring up the one-word name of Vasquez, everybody. Here's Vasquez. I just want to say one thing. If you come in to where I'm sitting and you walk in off of the showroom floor with a Harley Davidson and fresh leather gear on. and sit in front of me and drink a Frappuccino, then I'm not going to be able to hold my face correctly. I can't be responsible for anything that happens after that.

If you sit in front of me and you drink a Frappuccino, like you're my ex-girlfriend's kid finishing up a Capri son, then I can't be just my face is going to do some things and I won't be able to hold anyway, let's, on a lighter note, I should have wrote some stuff down. Old people look like fish. I'm not, keep it light.

Okay. What the fuck? Was that whole thing, like a personal message to one person out there that's gonna get it? Somebody sat in front of you drinking a frappuccino somewhere? No one knows what the you were talking about.

It's like a live manifesto. That was lit. And then you throw in one good short joke at the end? I tried. I didn't even know that was going to be a minute yet. I had one more...

Thing about the person sitting in front of you? That's nuts, dude. Check in with Dave Land out here. Where's your girlfriend's kid? My ex-girlfriend's kid. Yeah, same question. Yeah.

Where? Uh-huh. Where? Yeah. She's safe. Oregon. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Above ground? Yeah. Is she an organ donor? Yeah. Perhaps is she dead? Fast square. This is a lot of venom for the way somebody drinks a Capri Sun. Yeah.

What? It wasn't the venom against the Capri Sun. It was the guy that came in with the leather gear drinking a Frappuccino at Starbucks. What did he do exactly? Why did that bother you? I don't know why, because I have ADHD or something. That might be what. I think that's called retardation.

Big difference between ADHD and WTF, which is what most people were thinking. Okay. Old people look like a fish was funny. Do you have more like that? Do you have other funny things? Yeah, I've had something else to that, but I forgot. You forgot that.

Perfect. What a professional. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time. Okay. All right. More things like the joke you did at the end would be my advice more things that are funny noted yeah more of that that old thing before

i mean that was nuts dude um how long have you been preparing for this your first minute ever doing stand-up comedy uh it's hard to say hard to say really okay but there's a lot of things hard to say here it's a good interview so far uh what do you do for work uh i'm a brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies, a lot of up-and-coming starters. Oh, this is your version of having the $300,000 bank deposit slip. Okay, perfect. Sure, we totally believe you. He's a brand ambassador for Frappuccino.

Amazing. How long have you been a brand ambassador for multi-million dollar companies? Probably a couple years. Probably a couple years. Okay. What exactly does that entail? What did you get on jets and go? No, no, no.

It's nothing really It's not a big deal really It's just I gave away a lot of free stuff Like where? Mostly Costco Okay So we're finding out in real time Right now that you work at Costco

Correct Yes Very good Boy oh boy This show is live and it's real Let me remind you one more time. I do this a lot sometimes. Every fucking show you've ever seen before this,

the host knows what the other person does. They know what they're promoting. They know what they're going to fucking say. I had to pull that out of you. You thought we were going to go, oh, yeah, multi-million dollar brand, a million years, what's your love? Life like.

Even the microphone is jumping off a cliff right now to save itself from the cruel tutelage of the brand ambassador of Asquess. That's hilarious. Like this motherfucker work at Costco. I'm out of here. Do they tell you to say that? Do they tell you to say like you're a brand ambassador

Even though you just you just give out samples of fish sticks? I got to tell you. I don't know if it was on purpose, but that is hilarious what you just did. I mean, I'm really the one that dug it up. But, you know, it was your lie that started that hilarious order of events. I wouldn't say that. It's not a lie. You're right. You're right. Just a... No, Costco is a multimillion dollar. Yeah. And the brands that he is giving out samples of are most likely multi-million dollar brands.

You're not Michael Penne on Bath salts? I'm not sure who that is. Okay. Fasquez, tell us more about your life. Anything else crazy we should know? Are you like, you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that has like a jump rope record or something like that. You're very fit. You remind me of Michael Gonzalez back here. You're in good shape.

Okay. Okay. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything? Not really. You do have two different colored eyes. Is that eye over there working? Not exactly. Not exactly.

That's not a no. It's a not exactly. Kind of like that eye might be a brand ambassador for a million dollar company. And then you find out, no, it's, Working at Costco. What happened to that eye? Boxing accident. I took a finger to the eye.

Ah, damn. A finger. Thoughts you were boxing up fish sticks, my... A finger to the eye, but mostly, there's normally gloves that are worn in boxing. Where did the finger come from? It wasn't from... We weren't wearing gloves.

It wasn't a sanctioned fight. It was a cock fight. Wow, where was this at? El Paso, Texas. Oregon. Oh, Oregon. Yes, the El Paso of the North. And you were just doing a normal, like, street fight?

Was it over a disagreement? Practice. Practice for boxing? Yeah. Holy shit. Not a game. Damn. Yeah.

Uh-uh. Wow. That had to suck, huh? Yeah. Yeah. How long ago was that? Probably four years ago. Oh, that's not that bad.

You had two eyes for a long time. Deep Madness. Deep Madness thinks you're a huge pussy, dude. The God himself poked out de madness his eyes. So imagine that. Yeah, he's doing the Lord's work. That doesn't make any sense. Maybe not because God is light.

Vasquez, is comedy something that you actually want to do? Yes. Okay. All right. Well, keep writing jokes. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There goes Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along now.

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The sample guy at Costco. So a lot of range in between those two jobs. That's below a bagger. Ladies and gentlemen, Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Paul Seifers. We know Paul. He's a funny guy. Here comes Paul Seifers. I work as an exterminator.

I do pest control for a living. Thank you. It's kind of like being an ice officer for cute little animals. That's basically... Instead of catching Mexicans, I mostly catch squirrels. Mexicans and squirrels are very different. One is a small brown creature you'll see on someone's lawn or up on someone's roof. And the other is a squirrel.

Today, someone asked me if I was going to kill the squirrel. squirrel's like, no, ma'am, I'm going to put in a cage and separate it from its family. This is a true thing. My work truck has been broken into three times in the past month. Nothing will turn you into a Republican faster than tools getting stolen out of your work truck. But we live in Texas, so I went out and I bought a gun, you know? They break into my truck again? I'm going to fucking kill myself.

That should do it. Thank you guys very much. Appreciate it. Great. Paul, Cypher. Hell yeah, buddy. That was awesome. How's it going? How long you've been doing stand-up now? Like seven going on eight years.

Yeah. I remember you many times from the show being very, very funny. Thank you. Seemed funnier than ever. How's life going for you? Better in certain ways, worse than others. Let's talk about it. What do you mean? I'm doing pest control. I'm an exterminator, so I'll start there. Not usually the mark of somebody doing super well, but Yeah. I had a friend today say, well, you should be grateful you have a job.

And I was like, well, you're an employee. You want me to put a resume in? He said, no, I'm good, actually. So that's something. Tell us about the nightmares that you see out there. I run into a lot of Kill Tony fans. Oh, yeah. They're everywhere. They are. Bedbugs and cockroaches and droves. They also have Ferraris and Corvettes, too. They're here. I don't think anybody here is using my company. But they recognize you when you come in, they go, holy shit, aren't you on? No, once or twice it's happened, but... Oh, you bring it up. You're out there spraying and you're like,

say, you ever see killed Tony? It comes up. I just try to make good conversation with people when it comes up, and in Austin, it's very, very popular. What are some of the infestations that have blown your mind, though? I'm sure people want to know, because it's crazy out there. I hear horror stories all the time. I hate in the heat of the summer, I deal with a lot of black widow spiders.

Okay, I thought that was going another direction. for a while. Thought you were going to be the greatest exterminator of all time for a moment there, and it turns out just a spider problem. It's gay pride, not white pride, Motoning. I'm like, what are you exterminating?

He's like, these fucking black widows. Yeah, why is it black like that? That was leaned into the black. It was a long black. These fucking crazy ass, motherfucking always on the porch. These fucking black.

Widows out there. Just always trying to fucking ruin everybody's night with their fucking yapping and drama. Like, wait, what? It's a spider? They actually become a widow after the extermination. Yeah.

They hated that. After they fuck Joel Linley, the second 59-year-old of the night that loves black women. He'd be exterminating that pussy. You know what I'm saying? All right, go ahead. Black widows are terrible. Black widows, right? Black widows, Rattlesnakes.

Yeah, I originally did pest control for my dad's business in Massachusetts. And moving down here, much like the people, the bugs are a lot angrier and fatter here in Texas. Yeah. So it's very terrifying. The people are disgusting, cockroaches, you name it. Yeah, that happens. That's a thing.

They're out there. Cockroaches are out there. Red band. Flies are really bad this year, right? Yeah, well, maybe your house is a little dirty. I don't know. You just got chainsawed. All right, so I love it.

Wow. There's a lot of flies out there. Outside. Yeah. No, it's... So you're out there fighting flies, and you're fighting a lot of foo, obviously. Am I correct?

Food? Food? Food. Foo Fighters. There you go. All right. What are the other... Let's talk about the big ones.

This is what people want to know about. Tell us about the craziest rats that you've seen. Is there anyone that has a rat infestation of it? Every other bar besides the one you're sitting in on 6th Street, has a lot of rats. I had to drown a rat to death one time. Tell us about that. That's what we want to know. I caught a rat by only its paw.

on a trap. And I was in a very wealthy person's upstairs. And I called my boss. And she was like, you can either smash it off the ground. I was like, I'm not going to do that. She's like, or you can drown it. And I was like, all right, well, I guess I'll try drowning it. Hell yeah.

I got a bucket of water. You filled water. You're like one of those kids who, like, kills rabbits as a youth. And it's like, I can make money off of this. No, I did too many drugs in high school. I didn't go to college. I'm actually a vegan, which is the craziest one. What?

Yeah. Have you ever knelt on a squirrel's neck? What's that? That's not bad. I might take that. Thank you. Wow. So how did you drown the rat?

What did you put the rat in? I filled a bucket with water, and the rat was on a trap. So I put it in, and the rat's like screaming. And then... No, please. missed her now. And it falls under the water and just like total silence. It turns out rats

cling to life quite a bit. So, yeah. Start breaching the water like an orca whale. Oh my God. So I looked around and I saw a broom and I just kind of like lightly was home. Oh, shit. He really is like, he really is like

he. He's like a 1990s LAPD cop. Jesus Christ. Nobody's doing this, right? And I was pretty emotionally affected by it. The bubbles are coming up. Oh, my God. It turns out it takes a long time. Wow.

Eventually I got bored. I just started doom scrolling on my phone. Oh, my God. I remember it was the Rock's cheat day. So I opened my phone. I'm like, that's a lot of pancakes that Twain Johnson's eating. And then he was dead. That's hilarious, Paul Sefer.

And there were four turtles crying. Yeah. Yeah. This guy in the camel hat just said, what the fuck? You know, it's a weird story. Yep. That guy's killed Middle Eastern people before from long range.

Yep. And he'll do it again, he just said. Perfect. Welcome to America, everybody. Wow. Paul, how's your love life? When you're not drowning rats, are you drowning in pussy?

I'm actually, I drowned the rats. I'm saving up to try to afford a wedding for the love of my life. Oh, nice. How long have you been? with her. I've been with her going on three years, but I have been sure about trying to marry her since I met her, but it takes a long time on the exterminator salary to save up. That makes sense.

That makes sense. And she's a vegan. She is not, no. She's a Texas, a Houston gal. She'd be badass, loves brisket, you know. I love it. I love it. So what made you turn vegan? What point? I've been, I was vegan on and off. And honestly, it's just something. in stand-up. I have some jokes about it and I just try to do I'm like totally sober now. I just try to change things up to try to write material. You know you don't have to do that.

Yeah. You could eat a steak and go on stage and do a joke about being vegan if you wanted to. That's true. That's actually what I'm doing right now. I don't know why I lie. Amazing. Paul, I love it. What am I missing here?

Fantastic set. Fucking great interview. Absolutely perfect. you back on the secret show Paul. Thank you. There you go. And I'm sure you have them, but here's another big joke of Paul Cypher's, ladies and gentlemen.

Moses has to go pee, everybody. It's gonna go drown a rat somewhere. In the meanwhile, we're gonna keep it moving along with your next bucket bully. He goes by the name of Trenton Tebow, everybody. Here comes Trenton. Put your hands together for Trenton Tebow. Yo, who in here wants to have the best sex

of their life tonight? All right, everybody said no, see me afterwards. Yeah, I'm glad this is going well. My free trial for better help expires this weekend. I'm just kidding, guys. I can never kill myself. I photoshopped a pair of angel wings on me the other day. I looked fucking stupid.

I tried. Just brought the ceiling fan down with me. Great. Now I'm depressed and not getting my deposit back. You know how hard is to sleep when you're suicidal and hot now? So you go to the gym, right? Because you need to make a change. Go to the gym, you know, because they're going to...

you know because they have stronger fans all right thank you guys been Trent Tebow Trenton Tebow holy shit what a set is this your first time on the show nah third time wow this one was fucking standout incredible he's going pee real quick he would have loved your set it's okay he hates white people we'll tell them all about it you would agree that this is a standout set out of the

three oh yeah it's pretty good I like it yeah I love it you're fantastic remind us how long you've been doing standup About four years. Four years. Man, you're funny as hell. Where were these four years at? Fort Worth, Dallas. Nice.

Do you live here now, or did you make the drive today? I live in Dallas, Fort Worth still. How often do you drive down here for a spot like this? I haven't been down here in a few months, honestly. Amazing. What do you do for work? I work at a restaurant as well as I do like contract, construction labor type shit,

about landscaping, that type of shit. Ah, the rare white landscaper. Yeah, I got the mustache for it, though. Hell yeah, you got it. You got it, absolutely. What do you do for fun, Trenton, Tebow? Ah, dude, I fish a lot. I like fishing a lot. I play a lot of pool, too. Nice.

I know Trenton. He's a hell of a joke writer. He's part of Rose Battle, Dallas, Fort Worth. He dates a single mom. He's really funny, too, white. You gotta say, you don't know. But yeah, this guy's amazing. I bet your set was great. Sorry, I missed it.

You're right. I hate white people. Yeah, that's cool. I get it. Is this true? You're with a single mom? Yeah, yeah, single mom of four. Oh, my God.

Yeah, fucking thank me for my service, dude. Wow. How old are these kids, ballpark? All between what ages? Oh, dude, do you think I'm supposed to know this? Give us the ballpark of the youngest and oldest. 13 through 4. Okay, yeah, those are kids.

That's why you're suicidal. Yeah, exactly, you get it. That makes sense. So do you often bang her, obviously, at her place? You guys don't live together, right? Yeah, no, no, we live a while apart, so it's just whenever we can. Right. So you go over there, and then what?

You kind of like to get to bed, kids. Get on getting, children. No, we just go. Naito Schilder. Yeah, no, it's just shoved some shit in front of the door so we can hear him start trying to break in. Is that true? I love that.

Hell yeah. That works. That works. I get it. I've never really gotten into the single mom thing. I don't know. What's that? Oh, yeah.

I mean, it's amazing. She does stand up? Yeah. Tony, get you a black one. widow. That's who you need. Okay. Did she sign up tonight? Is she with you? She's here?

Next door. What's her name? Sagan Butler. There you go. We're going to get her out here. We're going to have her do a minute. That'll be fun. So how long you've been banging this fucking mom for? We've been in an intimate relationship for for about four months, I'd say. Okay.

She's a very respectful woman. Don't say that. I love it. I love it. So have the kids ever cock blocked you or anything like that? How do the kids fit into this thing? Oh, man. The oldest are good.

They take themselves to bed. The youngest, they try to, which they say with their dad part of the time. That's when I like to come over. Hell yeah. That's the good time. You ever do the Hank Hill voice with them? Do what you said? You ever do like the Hank Hill voice with them?

No, I don't. I'm going to be real honest. You should, though. You should, because you got that, you know. I don't have Wi-Fi. I don't. I don't have T. So I've never seen any of that.

Right. Yeah. You could tell. Again, Moses is from San Diego. Not many blacks know about King of the Hill. He's white. I told him about King of the Hill. Amazing.

Amazing. Proving my point, yet again. Amazing. Have you met the dad? I've met one of the dads. Welcome to another episode of One of the Dads. Hold on. How many dads are there?

Only two. Only two. Only two dads. Are the kids ever right? Mexican, yes. They are? Are they really? Yeah, yeah. This lady's bouncing from landscaper to landscaper?

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. This is incredible. Coming over to trim the hedges. Yeah, very nice. She's letting everybody mow her lawn. Incredible. Hey, don't say that about my lady.

It's been four months. Don't disrespect her like that. It's been the best four months of my life. I love it. Here's a fun fact. We're both friends with Yoshi. Pretty good friends with Yoshi. Okay.

Yoshi's the best. Dude, Yoshi's the fucking man. I'm more of a wario guy myself. That's good. Guys, why don't you, we're going to bring up Sagan. How about one more time for Trenton Tebow, everybody. Trenton, he was a big joke book, my friend. Thank you.

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I don't know about you guys, but I want to meet the mother of four that's getting banged out by Trenton Tebow. Here to do an uninterrupted minute of stand-up comedy. Make some noise for Sagan Butler, everybody. Surprise.

I'm a single mom of four. Yes, I also worked with infants for over a decade. and I learned some things about people. Like across the lifespan, we just try to recreate the feeling of being in the womb because it's what we find soothing. It's why we swaddle babies.

Adults use weighted blankets. And that's probably why I love alcohol and the muffled sounds of people fighting. It feels like home, you know. Something I noticed I do is a parent as I call my kids little cute pet names on the fly, right? But the other day, I accidentally called my baby girl bugger sugar.

And in case you live under a rock, that means cocaine. and I felt bad until I realized all the things that babies and cocaine have in common. They're both really expensive. They both keep you up all night. And they both frequently get sniffed by members of the Biden family. Hilarious.

Thank you. Amazing. Sagan Butler. Welcome, welcome. Hi. This is your first time on the show? Second. Okay. How long ago was that last time? Like two years ago. Okay. What did we talk about in your interview back then two years? Me being a single mom mostly.

Nice. I have two little boys on the spectrum. One of them was a savant type. We talked about that. Okay. All right. Great. Welcome.

Did you have braces back then? Unfortunately, yes. I don't know when I'm going to get them off. So we'll see. Hell yeah. That's some real fucking Dallas shit right there. Just getting braces and then never having them removed. Let's check in with the great Dave Landau.

Look, at least they're Invisal line. I want to say, yeah, that was a great set and I saw you last night at Roast Battle. I think you're tremendous. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. So let's talk about it.

What are the updates in life? It's been two years since you were on? What's going on? I watched my friend die in front of me. He was on this show. Oh, shit. Who was that? His name was Henry Cruz.

Henry Cruz. What happened to Henry? We were walking to get an Uber a car jumped the curb, hit him, and they took off. I have heard of this. Oh, my, oh my God. Red band. Red band.

Why would you do that? That was a traumatizing moment for, is that what it sounded like? Yeah. Okay. They never caught the Hidden Runner? They did, but they haven't like, we still got to go through this. They haven't prosecuted him yet? No.

How long did it take to find him? Like a few weeks or a month? Damn. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Were they on the run or? I mean, I guess they hit him and it just kept going. Did anyone get the license plate or anything? No, it was just like in a split second.

So they kind of had to do the math on like cameras and stuff. Yeah, it was in Deep Ellum, so there's cameras everywhere. So I imagine that's how they caught him. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. What did he do when he was on this show? What did he do?

He did even on this show. He did great. Did he? He did really well. So he was in two situations where someone killed. Yeah, exactly. Amazing. He was a great guy.

And so he died in your arms? Essentially. I tried giving him CPR. It didn't work. What do you think? Did he, like, hit his head? I mean, I'm sorry did I have you describe this situation. That's okay.

I've talked about it a lot. He lost consciousness. So once he was, once he, you know, landed, he was out. So he wasn't scared or like, like in pain. Got it. Well, that's good. That's good. Damn, that sucks.

I thought we liked dark shit, guys. Oh, yeah. It's good. It's good. Did you find his joke book? Maybe you can do some of them. Red band. Come on, Red band.

Why would you sing that? Okay. Well, that's incredible. What else is going on in life? These kids are growing up. What's the savant? What is their talent? He's just incredibly smart about everything.

He'll, like, educate family members at, like, events where they're like, let me tell you about gestational diabetes. I love it. Sounds like a future golden ticket winner to me. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. They do mics with me sometimes. Oh, nice.

How old is he? He is currently 11. Okay. Amazing. That's fun. What type of alcohol is the best to drink while pregnant to have an autistic child? I want to have a savant, don't we all? Yeah.

Okay. I don't know. That's my mom, not me. Actually, she didn't do that. I love you, mom. Did you take a lot of Tylenol? Yeah. I had to have, yeah.

Yeah. Amazing. Sagan. Well, you're very, very funny. Your boyfriend, Trenton is hilarious as well. You guys are living the life. I bet you have a lot of giggles on your drives up and down from Dallas. I bet he gets the most rugged

brace-filled roadhead you can possibly imagine. I mean, I don't know what kind of car he's driving, but there's a lot of potholes from here to Dallas. I hope he's stopping off at Buckees and getting a little break, putting a little ice on that shit. Sagan, amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book for you.

Great stuff. There they go. The amazing couple of Trenton Tebow and Sagan Butler. A fun little old school thing where if someone very funny has a loved one out there that does comedy, we get them both up. Right now, we go wrangle that next bucket pool. I have one of the great regulars of the history of the show ready with a brand new minute for you. One of the hardest jobs in all of stand-up comedy is writing and performing a brand new minute every week, having to follow. your own actions and own growth here.

And this guy shows no mercy. Never takes a week off by choice. Always working. Always grinding. Make some noise for the great. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, the dark store of Austin, Texas. Yes.

Did y'all know y'all don't have to prove you're autistic to buy Legos? I didn't know that. Because every time I went to the Lego store, it was always a long line of niggas buying it, and then I realized it was just the person at the counter telling the nigger ringing them up how much they love Legos and everything that they built.

And I went in there, I just wanted to buy this transformer Legos that just had came out. And I don't know how to put them together because I'm not autistic. It's just like, it's just art in my house. Like, it's just the same box. And so I had recently got released from Japan when I was in jail. And I had a party at my house. And one of my autistic friends, that nigga, he just walked up to me. He was like, hey, dude.

you want me to put together that transformer. And I was like, how do you, Nicky, that was in my room. Like, how did you get back there? How did you get back there? He said, I'll take it apart after if that's what you need. If you want to put it together. I was like, Nick, go back there.

And then after about, like, when the party was ending, that nigga was still putting it together. I was like, hey, we got to go to, we're leaving here. And he was like, I'm not. So I want to start like a task rabbit. Like you hire people to hang stuff. I want to start that for autistic people

call finish it or die trying. These things just still bed at my house. I'm new to autism because I grew up black. I didn't really just like all of a sudden everybody who I knew was white was autistic, so I thought these niggas was lying. Like when they told me they all had spaceships, right? But my ex-girlfriend Penelope was the first person

to tell me about she came to me. She said, Dedrick, I'm autistic. I was like, shut the fuck up, right? And then, like, the next morning, we was about to eat breakfast, and then I saw her pour her milk in before her cereal, and I was like, yeah, that nigga I'll taste it. That's shit, we got to put her down.

That's my time I love y'all. Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, with another, two minutes, always doing overtime. Incredible. Milk before cereal. It just makes me uncomfortable. to think about. Out of all the things we've covered,

people dying in other people's arms, fucking four kids from two different dads, 59 years old, never done this before, eight broken bones, dead mom, dead brother. I have notes here that are very sad. Something about pouring milk

in a bull before cereal just has me so uncomfortable. Dee Madness is going to go cut himself. Even he has never poured more milk before cereal, and he doesn't know what the fuck the difference is. My girl does that. Janice does that.

Oh, my God. Incredible. Milk before cereal. Frightening. It floats, right? Isn't it kind of float? I couldn't watch a pour. It was like, you know,

you like watch a scene that you know it was a horror scene as a kid. So like, I'm looking at her. But I can't see her finish it. And then after she poured the cereal, she's like, you want me to pour you? I was like, nigga, no, don't touch. Don't touch cereal around.

I couldn't. That's why we broke up. I'm not going to lie to y'all. We was in love. before then. I was like, you know what? Oh, yeah. God do be talking to you. There will be signs. He said, stop dating retarded chicks, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know what they say? Once you go pale, you know what I'm saying? She's making kale. If she's hot with tattoos as well, she's autistic as well. I can't remember what they said. Right. I just made up both of them. Hell yeah.

Incredible. I'm glad you're back, man. I think we all miss you. I miss Deerick. I did. I love that. Thank you, y'all so much. Yeah.

Yeah, we covered it a little bit last week, but I still think we were all a bit traumatized. That you look like a deflated Rick Ross. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do several hundred push-ups a day when you get to Zumi's, you can lose weight, too. That is, but also, they ain't gotten the, it's like worst jail food. Like, I think everybody thought I was going to come back, like, a certain way. But, like, we had, like, teriocchi anchovies and, like, pickle cabbage, like, five days a week.

And so, like, I was definitely in the, uh-uh, stage. Because the first time I ate it, I thought it was vegetables. And then the second time I ate it, I looked down. I saw a bunch of eyes looking at me. Oh, shit. That shit was just good. But I love Japan. Thank y'all so much.

Wait. That is such a lie. When did they let you out? Juneteenth? Right before. They knew the nigga had to leave. Honestly, they just wanted to meet me from how nice they were to me. Like, they were, like, the whole staff, they were always, like, super comedian when I would

make them niggas laugh and shit. And they was like, you get off. You put this in stand up. When you go back, can't wait to see. And I was like, I don't know how they're going to see it because I'm not going to do it in both languages. Like, I didn't learn any Japanese out there, but I did learn what was bad in Japan.

Right. Do they be fucking in jail in Japan? Huh? Do they be fucking in jail in Japan? No. They don't have, brother, let me tell you this. Let me tell you this. Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something. This is 24-hour lockdown. When you first come in, this was the scariest part when I walked in because at first I thought they was being nice to me because they handed me like three blankets. And everybody who'd been arrested in here, no, jail is the coldest place on earth, right? So I was like, this is going to be a cakewalk for me.

I got three blankets, I'm good. And then them niggas handed me a leather box that had the same, like, density and shapers, velvita cheese. I thought it was a leather box of toiletries. No, nigga, that was the pillow, right? That was the pillow. And then when I got to the cell, there weren't no beds. So one of those blankets was either a bed or a blanket or a pillow, like, you know what I'm saying, to use it.

So there was nothing. And we got room search. I was the worst part, nigga, no ramen. All right? Can we talk about that day? No, and they got to have no ramen when I was in Japan. And I wanted to tell these niggins, y'all are missing out of so much money. Because, like, in the United States, nigga, ramen, I see that it's what, it's, it's, it's, like, what you could do with ramen.

Like, niggas make, like, lasagna out of ramen. I didn't see niggas make niggas. Eyes out of ramen. Like, I see niggas escaped from jail. A lot of ramen. No ramen, nigga. I had zero ramen. All that was really made in prison.

You're the Bubba Gump of ramen. That was... You can make ramen pizza. And you look like an offensive coordinator. Nick, fuck you. Oh, shit. More like offensive coordinator. Get your black ass out of.

You're supposed to be on my side. I am. Oh, I said happy Junete. Yeah. No, he's from San Diego. Oh, yeah. I'm on your side, though. Thank you so much, Don.

Yeah, you didn't even write me at all, nigga. You ain't say, keep your head up, nigga. You know what I'm saying? First of all, Japan, you bow. You don't keep your head up. No, you do. It's a quick head. Niggas don't really bow in jail because I don't know,

nigga, I didn't make the fucking rules. Why are you looking at me? Like, I made one mistake and niggas let me go, all right? That was the end of it. Did you have a roommate? I had four of them. Were they fucking horrified when you walked in? No, they were.

Very Bracken. Why would they be horrified? Because it's a very brachas. Because it's four Japanese games. Are you just scared every time you see a black dude in the room? Like, why are you? Do you get horrified when you see a black dude come in the room? No.

I think you do. No, I really don't. I'm from Detroit. Oh, yeah. So you definitely do. No. No, I'm with Dave on this one. I picture three scared little Japanese men going, oh, no.

Like, see, like. This is the worst case of scenario. Yeah, you got like three dude, three small dudes, and then you walk in, clearly. He's going to try to steal one of my pyro. He probably thinking the piero too small, he's going to steal. I'm not going to try to.

They were just, they was gangster, too. They was like, like Yakuza member, but like, I'm good around gangsters. Like, I would just help them out sometimes. Like, I helped them. Like, I helped out of the three dudes in that room, I helped two of them get out on bail because they didn't understand the system

and I had them like writing letters to the judge and stuff like that, like helping them get out. Look at you, pulling it Johnny Cochran in that. I told him every time I would see them like getting a little upset because it's 24 hour lockdowns they can really get to you and we're all in a box. So like if I started, I was like, come on, let's hit these pushups. I had them doing push-ups, sit-ups, like talking to them.

Like when I left, they woke me up and they were like crying that I was like gave me a hug. We are going to do it with me to you, Burakamanda. Black showgun is what they call me in there Black sugar I will never forget when you forced me to do push-up I thought Thank you for teaching me to read

You got me out on bearer I never knew I will never forget you I would watch every episode of you on Kill Tony RR R R. The thing is they did After I got arrested, they started looking me up. And so then they would start, like, coming by and, like, saying some of the jokes that I was saying, like, it ain't. Like, I was getting out.

The niggas shook my hand. I never shook an officer's hand. He was like, hey, do I look mad at you? And I was like, no, he was like, so that should tell you if you get out tomorrow. Because it's a terrified, y'all, y'all, y'all got to spend a mandatory 23 days. And then if they have enough evidence, you go to trial, which is six weeks later. Oh, my God. My case is dropped and dismissed of the fucking 11 people.

I am the only person to get the fuck out. And it does not matter what lawyer you have. I was just telling the truth. I don't, I don't do MDMA. I don't like, I told the cops. I said, I'll do MDMA because I love lasers already. Like, and it was like, do you do cocaine? I was like, no, my nigga, I already talk a lot.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't need to do hard drugs. Like, I'm already crazy. And so they, they was real nice. You should try MDMA, by the way. Yeah, thank you, Red Band. I love all the AI shit you do. Is that how you got there?

Our senior health correspondent, Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen, always on top of what everybody should be doing. Do Mdema, dude. Yeah. Dedric, you are always so wildly entertaining, unbelievably charismatic. The Great Dark Storm, the Black Shogun, Dedrick Flynn, fresh out of Japanese prison.

Look at these guys. There's the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen Say that you're allowed to say that No say it now say it now It's not gonna be He's not gonna be stop man stop He's not gonna be fresh out of Japanese prison Just just say into the mic

What you just whispered into my ear And I'm going to force you to do it So you might as well just do it Just say what you just say Referring to Dedrick's Japanese prison stay He said that we missed a joke That we could have said go ahead Yeah it's just I can imagine

him being like, no, my nigga. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, niggiri. No, no, we have no sushi. I liked it more how you said it to me. I didn't just said nigeri to you, and you're like, that's funny. Yeah. Anyway, it was better.

We're keeping it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket, pull back to the bucket. We go. Make some noise for Gerard Michaels, everybody. It's so good to be here. The greatest show on earth and the greatest club on earth and the greatest country on earth.

Let's rock and roll. I love seeing the European minds explode being here for the World Cuff, being lied to all these years with the propaganda, and they're sitting here like, I thought it was gonna be Nazis and a race war, and it turns out there's nothing but Buckees and Ranch Dressing. It's delightful. Yeah, dude, you've been lied to the whole time.

America's amazing, dude. It's incredible here. We go skydiving with no fucking healthcare here, dude. We're awesome. If you like Buckees and Ranch Dressing, stick around for the 4th of July and check out 4-Loco and Cherry Bombs. It's gonna be fucking awesome. It's what the media does, man.

They lie, man. I remember watching CNN and I'm seeing Don Lemon staring right into the TV going, middle-aged white men of the most dangerous creatures on planet Earth. And I turn and I look at my father

eating easy cheese off his belly with a rich cracker. Oh shit, that's a fucking apex predator right there. Gerard, Michael. Welcome, Gerard. You've been on this show before, right? This is my first time, Tony.

Wow, how do I recognize you? Where do I know you from? I don't know. Country, old country buffet maybe? He's done roast battles before? Oh, you were here opening for Dave this weekend. The Great Dave Land Day. Got it.

That makes sense. Well, that's cool. Where do you live? I live in Fort Lauderdale, Florida now, but I hail from Old Bridge, New Jersey. Nice. Hell yeah. I'm glad you stuck around for this. That's fun.

How long have you been doing stand up? Twelve years. Twelve years. All of it there in Florida, mostly? No, New York mostly. New York City? I started at the Stress Factory. Vinnie Brand, shout out, my brother.

Nice. We do New York City sometimes. We're going to be at Memphis. Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. Fun fact, the Keltony Band is playing on August 6th at the city winery. So if you're doing, got nothing to do on that Thursday, let's see the Keltony Band. Why not? And also, there's weekend passes available.

We're doing a different thing where you can buy a full weekend Keltony passes. That was a way for me to plug. Thank you for letting me plug my Madison Square Garden dates. Anyway, Gerard. So you live in New York now? I live in Fort Lauderdale, moving to Austin, Texas, July 16th. Nice. Congratulations. Welcome, welcome. What are you most excited about, about moving to Austin?

It's a very fun place. I was just in Florida. I know Florida very well. I actually like Fort Lauderdale. Right. I think all the women here look like they're either just getting over a fever or a fever's just coming on and that makes them very approachable. Okay. You see that, huh? It's like a sixth sense or something. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of my thing, you know. Wow. That's incredible. I'd never noticed that before. Do you see that? and any of the ladies out in this audience here tonight? You see any fever?

No, there's a lot of good-looking girls with ugly guys in here. This is like a Tesla product or something. Yeah. There's like a SpaceX IPO in here or something. Perfect, yes. That's what I tend to see as well. Someone tried to tell me that our fan base has a lot of cockroaches and rats earlier. I wasn't having him.

Just kidding. I believe him. So, Gerard, how do you make money? Just stand up, or do you have another side gig? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to get under a fucking truck every once in a while? get under that hood, fucking change the carburetors. I mean, I think you mean mechanic,

but it came off as gay to me. I don't know why. Yeah, no, I do. I do make it, everything I do is kind of gay. Yeah, I work with veteran awareness, a company called vetclaims.a. Trying to help veterans come home

and, you know, get all the money that they've earned. Fuck, yeah. That's great. We love that. We love the vets, taking care of all the animals and whatnot. Oh, by the way, If there's any vets in here, just, you know, say your dick doesn't work, you get all the money.

That's kind of the secret. Whoa. Amazing. Are you a veteran yourself? No, no. I'm a pussy. Right. Okay.

What made you get into that industry? How'd you get into that? Well, they were looking for content creation, and then we were helping them out trying to, like, you know, take their brand. Have you tried Costco? Yeah, right? Yeah, the benefits would have been better. And I just fell in love with it, man.

They're a great company, and they're doing great things, and it's something. and that I feel very strongly. I love that. Me too. Absolutely. We love our veterans here in the Kill Tony universe. So let me ask you this.

What's your love life like? Because you seem like the kind of guy that likes to shake the mattress a little bit. Yeah, it can always be better, man. It could always be better, you know? I think... Tell us, what was your last, like, random hookup like?

How does that guy like Gerard Michaels like to wrangle a little rodeo... I like to troll the bars for single moms at the end of the night, mostly. Oh. You ever seen a single mom with braces and four kids from two different dads? It's my target demographic. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

I had a feeling you would like that. There was one up here earlier. So the last hookup, like when did that happen? Last night. Okay. So just set of curiosity, take us through it. Is this someone that saw you perform stand-up and they're like, you're funny? What's it?

No, no, I was at the... I'm sorry, but I kind of have the fever coming on. Yeah, no, I was at the White Horse trolling a little bit. Hell yeah, that's a great place. Yeah, I was having a little boot scooting buggy, and I heard this girl talking about our dad's an asshole, and I was like... I'm in.

Wow, that's perfect. White Horse is the shit. I love that fucking place. And, yeah, there's real normal human, like, girls there. It's like real humans. So far so good. It's fun. They throw on their little boots

and their polka dots, and they go out and have a few drinks, and they'll fucking even hook up with a big boy like you. Right, yeah. For free. That South Florida is like two grand a night, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Checking with the great Dave Landau. Yeah, the other place that he told me about is like, yeah, if you can't find somebody, it's like, you know, cockfight, it's a gay bar, but they do have food until 3 a. Yeah.

It's delicious. That's what you call a win-win situation. Exactly. Hell yeah. Either get chicken or some chicken. I like to eat a little beef cheek, you know. I think you're a beast, and I'm glad you came out here.

I really had no idea you were going to, and I'm really happy, and you killed. Great job, my friend. Hell yeah, Gerard. You're a very funny man. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book coming at you. And there he goes. Gerard Michaels, everybody.

We're going to keep it moving along. I always love it. I love it when fucking comedy veterans sign up for the show. I think it's very smart for people that have been doing it 12 years or 40 years like Joel Lindley earlier to come and be seen. You know, anyway, makes noise for your next bucket pool. This is a tough name to say, but I'm going to try my best. I'm going to say Dorda Kirk Edgwick. Dorda Kirk Echick.

I apologize to absolutely nobody. Last time I was here, I'm the guy two years ago that was here and missing. a front teeth and ask for reparations. Well, I got mine, which is American-made porcelain. You can't hear that. Anyway, I was reading this book by David Steinberg, Inside Comedy. And in that book, he said that comedians are allowed to steal ideas and then produce their own material. Steel ideas, produce own material. And also he said in that book that, if it wasn't for a Richard prior, there would never be at Dave

Chappelle, no Catvillians we know today. And I agree with both of these statements because if it wasn't for these three guys, I would never dream of becoming the first Montenegro comedian in the world. Thank you guys. I appreciate that. Doorday. That was my time.

Doorday. Am I saying that right? Doorday. Georgia. Or we can say George. It starts with it. D where you're from? Where is that? Poland. Montenegro. Montenegro.

That's in Europe, sir. Welcome, welcome. Welcome, welcome. But that's a D? It's a D with the middle thing inside. Oh, okay. That makes it a George. It's a G.

George. Georgia or Georgia. Georgia. George. Thank you. So, you were on two years ago and you were missing a tooth is what I gathered from that. That's right. And then at the end there, these three guys, what were you saying there?

What was that? If it wasn't for Richard prior, they were never. Richard Pryor, there would never be a Dave Chappelle nor Cat Williams we know today. Uh-huh. Okay. All right. Just making sure I heard. And if there wasn't a Drago and a love guru, there wouldn't be you.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah, you're wearing caprice. I mean, you're so unlikable, George. I mean, like you came up here. I'm apologizing. Usually Americans, we like a foreigner who can't speak our language unless they're Mexican. But this was like a whole thing.

We just, like, you gotta lose those teeth again. You'll be likable again. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, punch yourself. Lose those teeth. Now I can laugh more, yes. Did you say Monten... No, did you...

I feel like you didn't even pronounce your own country right there. That was wild. I said the Montenegger, yes. There it is, yeah, yeah. Yes, sir. So there's a hard R in that? Well, it was a hard R in my... In your country?

No, not my country. When I said it the first time, I'll repeat it again. Because I don't believe in racism. I'll repeat it again. But the word nigger does exist. You don't believe in it, but it exists, my brother. We know. When you're not here, we say it all the time.

I've been singing my head all night. Yeah. So George. George. Detroit. George, what do you do for a living? What do you do for work, George? I do not work.

How do you survive? I'm a privileged citizen of the United States of America. How do you have money? How do you... I don't have. have money. I live without money. I'm getting clothes. Do we got to call ICE? What the fuck is going on

here right now? This is true. I'm not lying. So all of these clothes and shoes we get here because I'm a houseless. I'm not homeless. I'm a houseless. What fucking Democratic USA operation is funding these dudes with man buns

coming to our country? Getting free clothes. Where do you live exactly? I live in the woods of the Zilker Park. Here we go. Let's talk about it. Now I'm interested. Do you have a tent?

Do you have a tent? Do you have some kind of dwelling? I have a tent. But I'm not sleeping in my tent because it's too hot here in Austin. So I'm leaving my stuff inside the tent. Uh-huh. But I sleep on the benches around the town. Okay.

I sleep here in front of the churches, right? Yes. Wow. Look at you. So you choose to do that. I choose to do that, not to go back to my country. I choose to stay here. Have you thought about?

getting an American job and having an apartment with air conditioning? I'm not allowed to work. I don't have a work permit, so I don't want to cheat anymore in my life. I'm not a cheater anymore. Wow. Yeah, I learn not to cheat, yes. Tell that to every Mexican here. I don't say a word.

Hard workers. What does your bracelet say? My bracelet said, God is. big enough. Ah, gotcha. Okay. I was curious. So, George, how do you pass the time?

What do you do during the daytime in the scorching Texas? Whoa. One of the hardest places to not have air conditioning in the world. Correct. How do you stay cool? What do you do? Swimming in the pool in the morning. Barton Springs is awesome.

Libraries got AC. Hell yeah. When you do fentanyl, you don't feel it's usually. You don't feel that when you have fentanyl on your system. Do you do drugs? No, I do not do drugs. How do you lose those teeth, then? I used to do drugs.

Ah, very good. Very good. What drugs were you doing, Georgia? All of them. Oh, nice. I'm just joking, not all of them. I tried a lot of things. Like what?

I'm 36 years old, so yeah. What drugs have you tried? I tried the MDMA, ecstasy, cocaine, weed. Weed is okay. No one loses their feet for any. And my favorite were mushrooms when I was doing drugs. Mushrooms were my favorite and weed. So nothing that crazy.

You never smoked crack, never did heroin. No. Okay. That I'm aware of it. Right. What made you want to get clean and sober? How long has that been? Well, that's been for a couple years now.

Uh-huh. No mushrooms even? No mushrooms even, no, sir. Wow. What made you stop? I mean, if you're going to fight it. Found God, sir. Where did you find him at?

Was he in Zilker Park? I was writing. I was writing my seven-y-y-old. or Barton Springs. I've been looking for this fucking guy. You just found him, too. Anyway, I was riding in a semi-truck because I was a truck driver for a long time,

and one morning he showed up to me. Where were you? He was your co-pilot? Was he sitting shotgun? Where did you see him at? Yeah, he was sitting right next to me. And what happened? What did he say to you?

He said that I'm going to be a comedian. He said that? Yeah. Oh, he was joking. Nah. God has a great sense of humor. God's love comedy. Yeah, he does.

God loves comedy. He does. But you really feel like God told you to get your life together, and you were driving. But what made you stop driving semi-trucks? Because it affected your citizenship, because it's against the rules of your program to be here. Well, yes.

My CDL was expiring. I didn't want to cheat anymore, as I said. You're the first honest man with a man-bun I've ever met in my entire life. This is absolutely incredible. I appreciate it. Mostly man-bun people are huge con artists. What's the hardest day you've had Being basically homeless here in Austin, Texas

Any close calls with heat stroke or anything you think? No, sir, not yet I go out for a cigarette for 10 minutes sometimes I'm like, I'm fucking dying I don't know if I can walk back across my terrace And get in my world-class patio doors I don't know how you fucking do it I guess cold water works though

Cold water work I have one of those too I have a cold one Amazing ACs so I'm riding the buses all day long. Nice. So, I mean, you talked about how you write a book about stand-up comedy, and you seem to be a fan of stand-up comedy. Have you written any jokes?

Well, that's a good question. Mr. Redband? I love it when people call him Mr. Redband. It's usually doctor. No, I didn't write any joke for the last maybe year now. Why? Why did you stop writing jokes? And what would make you sign up for the show without doing so?

Did you think it was the exact same audience when you, from two years ago when you came out with the tooth thing? You thought they were just going to be like, yeah, I remember. Right. A whole different audience. Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't even remember the lost tooth thing. We go through so many episodes of this thing.

We turn and burn fast. What do you think is the craziest thing about your life coming from Montenegro and all of these different things? what do you think you could share with somebody out there, your biggest lesson you've ever learned, or a view or something in your life? Once you find God, it's only a beginning, guys, of a suffering. And you're going to start suffering even more. Okay, all right.

Well, I'm not happy that I ask that question. Here, my friend, here you go. Here's a little joke book. Next time, write some jokes. Come out here and try to make the people laugh. goes. I appreciate. Georgia. Kirk Hedgic, everybody. I know your next bucket pool,

ladies and gentlemen. I know for a fact, he's got jokes. I know for a fact he's going to do them one after the other. Former I mean, he's been on the show numerous times. Very funny, man. Makes noise for a brand new minute from Michael Ridley everybody. Yeah, do you guys feel like we're getting

propagandized in the media a lot lately? Like every fucking form of entertainment, music, television, movies. There's always some egregious form of propaganda that they're trying to put in our faces. I was watching the new trailer for this new Transformers movie that was coming out. You know, tell me why this motherfucker Optimus Prime walks into the center of the screen, looks directly into the camera and says,

We need to protect Israel from the Decepticons. I was like, yo, what the fuck are these ads right now, dog? Megatron is an anti-Semite, and he must be still. I was like, bro, I got to get YouTube premium. What the fuck is going on? Got your penis off and become a woman. I was like, transform? Change myself.

And then he turned into a star of David and flew away. I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck's that going on? All right, thank you guys. Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen, a local Austin comedian. Yeah, I knew it. I knew you would do good. There he is.

Welcome back, Michael. How's it going? Dude, I'm fucking letting my nuts hang, dude. I'm having a blast. Perfect. Don't transform for anyone. I love it. Let it happen.

Tell us about life, Michael. Life's good. Yo, what's up, Moses? How are you? I'm fucking running Austin's chapter of roast battle. That's been pretty good. Hell yeah. You're like hosting the show, weekly shows here?

No, I'm running the chapter. So I'm booking. weekly by week. Bye weekly. I love it. Happy Pride month. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. The only thing I like more than weekly is bye. I'm Nate. Michael Ridley. Hell yeah. So what else is going on?

You got Rose Battle going on? The show created by Brian Moses that he let every city do a version of. Do you get a cut of that? No. Brilliant. Anyway.

Oh, we're like third in the league. Austin is third in the whole international league. Well, that is breaking news. 52 cities globally and you guys are number three because you guys do the best. Make a laugh for Austin. How about that? Who's one and

two? Let me guess. New York? Yeah. Right. Because they have to be. Yeah. Because you have to say that or else the whole thing's legitimate if Austin's number one. When do you have Austin versus New York battles? Is that coming up anytime soon? It happens once a month of the comedy seller.

Oh, at the seller. So Austin's the away team on that. Yeah, yeah. In front of the New York audience. We usually bring New Yorkers here. New Yorkers come here. They get slaughtered by you guys. Oh, okay. Well, you should do that more opting since that would be more honest rankings.

Ooh, that's exciting. We love that bucket pool. Fun. Michael, to give us something juicy. What's going on in life? Dude, I moved to Austin. I gave this city everything I had. I lost my truck, my mullet, and my dog.

There you go. That's our second country song of the night right there. Dude, I'm about to fucking... How did you lose your mullet? Take us through that process. Dude, it was just time, brother. Yeah. Sometimes when you're losing your hair, also hair is a woman's game, bro.

Why the fuck you care what your hair looks like as a man? I caught myself being like, hold on. It looked good, though. You're like Theo Wong or something like that. Oh, red band. See? Put them on a roast battle versus a New Yorker. Yeah, so I straight up just, dude, I just had to call it, brother.

I went full on ball, brother. Oh, shit. Look at that. Yeah, dude. This was the toughest guy in Dedrick's prison, by the way. Nogiti, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You can take the red pill and go back to America. Wow. Guy from James Bond. Wow, odd job over here. Incredible. That's comedy. It's an odd job for sure. Wow, I love it.

Everything's going good, though, bro. How'd you lose your truck? How did I lose my side swiped on 35, dude? Dude fucking. Wow. CRV white, dude, watch out for them. If they're white driving a CRV, I know this is crazy,

an Asian guy being like, watch out for these people. Yeah. But I'm like a very, I'm a well-vetted racist. I have a lot of data. That's a, that's a female car. Yeah, CRV is a girl car for sure.

Was it a blonde female? No, it was a goofy white guy from Kyle. Whoa. That's weird. There was an open mic or on the hood. Oh, my God. The guy seemed stoned or anything. Like, how could it just be a white guy from Kyle out there driving terribly?

That sounds weird. But then again, Texas drivers are a whole different thing. Yeah, like, as an Asian man, I'm like, you guys got to get it together. It's super bad. Yeah, I lost my truck. It was a nice truck, too. It was a Tacoma. Did he have insurance?

Are you getting a new? Yeah, he did have insurance. That was a few years back. I lost a truck. I've taken many of L since I've moved here, but I needed a W. It's a full moon tonight. Fuck it. Is it really?

Yeah, it's a full moon, and I wanted to do good tonight, so. You did. You should try to do good when whatever condition the moon is in. I would really, yeah, I would really, like, waxing, waning, any, really. The moon is still there. We're probably still alive, so I should probably be doing it. For sure. Right.

For sure. Well, thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Okay. I'll let you go. No, you don't have to let me go. No, I'm letting you go. I was going to keep you up here and make you the next superstar, but no, I'm kidding.

I'm joking. Okay, okay. You're fantastic, Michael. You're great. I am going to keep it moving. There goes the great Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen. I love you. Bye-bye. All right.

When I saw Michael's name on the piece of paper, I was very excited because I know Michael Ridley, I knew he was going to do jokes. Just like I said, it happened again. Just like we had two 59-year-olds back-to-back earlier, we have two true, unbelievable joke-tellers, Austin comedians. This guy is one of my favorites. I have them open for me on the road in Arena.

theaters all the time. He's the fucking man. He's been on the show on panel. He's done minutes on this show. He's done it all. He's coming up with another brand new minute right now. Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite, truly one of my favorite tough, young, rising comedians in the world.

Make some noise for the great Asan Amad, everybody. We're at war with the Middle East again, which will do wonders for my act. Because I'll tell you what, the terrorist jokes were getting old. But now? Ten more years, baby. Shout out Ayatollah. I did think it was crazy we stopped funding the TSA right before we attacked Iran.

I thought that was crazy. Like, I'm just getting into hockey, but I'm pretty sure you don't pull the goalie first period. I think... You let them play some defense, you know? I mean, it's a long game. Because here's the order of operations with what happened in Iran. One, the government shuts down.

Then we stop funding the TSA. Then we attack them. Then it comes out that the guy who bought the World Trade Centers a couple months before the attacks and suspiciously insured him against terrorism just bought another tower in Los Angeles. It's like, call me paranoid.

but it is very American to run a remake 20 years later. That is what we do. An L.A. Hollywood remake of 9-11, that might not be that bad. You know what I mean? Like, this time, the hijackers are all women. Like, that's what is it? We could get lucky.

They might miss the towers. It's like, damn, you didn't hit the towers, but you hit the curb? How did you manage? All right, thank you for me. That's the man. And so what did I tell you? That's my fucking guy with a minute and a half

that I haven't even heard before. That's how impressive he is. Asan Ahmad, a guy that's out here every single week. One of the guys that I remember when we were at Vulcan Gas Company, you and Derek Poston, we're smoking out on that patio. And I told you guys, I'm telling you, I think it's happening here.

I think you guys should move here. And you guys fucking listened and you're working every single week. week since. I mean, the big leagues. Greatest move of my life is to come here. You're just fucking crushing it. And that's just, again, that's a minute and a half that I've never heard.

And we do shows together every single week, every Tuesday, Wednesday, most Thursdays here in Austin. Yeah, I like to write a lot of like stuff about what's going on in the news. So it's like pretty new a lot of the time. I'm in L.A. Yeah. If a plane did hit L.A., it would make it better. Yeah.

It's fucking brutal right now. It's a bunch of guys who are like Georgie back there just doing fucking fentanyone living in the woods. It's disgusting. What I loved, especially Asan, is you came out and you literally, your first words were, were at war with the Middle East again. You're starting your joke immediately. You're not pandering to the crowd going, how are we doing tonight? What's up, Kill Tony.

Good to be back. I lost my tooth. Remember? I don't apologize. Like, there's none of that shit. You're into your setup. You're not wasting any time. It makes people extremely engaged and ready.

They're like, wow, this guy's going to fucking bring it. And here he is. Yeah, that's the sort of thing when our young comics asked me about doing this. I tell him, like, man, just get into your joke. You have a minute. Nobody cares how the audience is feeling. We know. They're having a good time.

Especially an hour and a half into the show. Right. It's just fucking fundamentals. And that works all the time. You know, unless you're literally going up first cold opening a show, there is no need to go, how you guys doing? Are you ready for a great night? Anything like that.

So, you know, it's an ultimate lesson because it makes people lean forward and listen to what you're saying because they don't want to miss the punchline. Asan, what else is going on in life? Nothing much. Just working, doing a podcast. Oh, you know what? Here's something interesting. I had ano for the first time.

Whoa. Hell yeah. Did it hurt? Did you poop the bed? What happened? Happy Pride book. Thank you. What was his name?

How do you think I had to open for Tony on the road? That's right. Open up those cheeks. That's the only way to do it. No, it was a nice young... It was a nice young lady. Yeah. I will say this.

You know, there's a better option. Yeah. That's how I felt about it afterwards. I was like, ah, this is fine. So did she ask for it? She's like, fuck me in the ass? Yes, yes. Wow.

I've never brought it up before. After I did it, I was like, oh, yeah, I don't need to bring it up again. Hell yeah. I mean... That's a rare Pokemon right there when they asked for it. That's... Yeah. Usually when they ask for it means you got a small dick.

I imagine it. Oh. She asked me before she even saw my dick. Wow. Snoopy. Look at that. Oh, she's a freak.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty slutty sometimes. Angle on the first night? Second night, yes. Wow. White girl? They could have a giant anus. That is true.

A red band wants to know if it was a white girl. It was a white girl. Wow. What a slut. Where'd you meet this brought at? I did shows up in Tacoma. Oh. Tacoma, Washington, where first base is anal.

Hell yeah. That's the good old part of the United States of America. They don't want any of this pussy shit. Save the pussy for marriage. Attack that fucking shithole right now. What's up, you little terrorist? Get in my ass. I want you to fly your plane into my fucking Tower 2.

Oh my God, I love it. I got a little Tower 7 action. I don't know what that means, but it works. Yeah. Oh, my God, I love it. So what's the review? Like, how to go? What do you feel about it?

Oh, like, I feel like I told you. This is, like, how I feel about it. I guess the way I had described it to someone was like, it's like kind of like getting the fish fillet from McDonald's. In the sense that, in the sense that, like, I'm glad I tried one. Yeah. And if that's the only thing they had to eat, then I'd have one. But if there's options, give me that number one, baby.

That's what I want. Give me that number one. Okay. I thought you were going to say because it smells funny. But that is one of the perks of being brown and Indian is your dick looks the same after anal. And the smell remains the same in the room. It's incredible. You know what's funny is that so Israel created this bomb with like bad,

smells and it didn't work on Indians because they couldn't smell it. Yeah, it turns out bad smells is our fire alarm beeping. Like we just don't know when it's happening or why it's happening. It just happens. And a fun fact, I've worked with a son now for, I mean, really, what has it been a decade? It's been 10 years at least. Between the store and here. And I've never had you smell once.

I've never smelled the smell off of you. My mom when I was growing up was really sensitive. She's like, I don't want you to be one of those brown kids that smell. Right. You mean all of them. Whatever it takes. Let me ask you this. This is a crazy question, but we're very close. So I want you to maybe help perhaps what could be considered, I think, maybe one third of the planet.

What advice would you give to other Indians or Bangladeshis or all the things out there? If you could give a piece of advice on how you stay smelling great. Red Banna, same question for you right after this. But I noticed that neither one of you have BEO, and you both. both look like he would smell like the devil himself. But never a whiff. Never a whiff of badness. How do you do it?

Man, I just like literally shower and deodorant. Isn't that something? Isn't that something, ladies a job? There's no secret. Can we get this somehow? Can we take this message and spread it all over India? Red Band, what's your secret? Because you look like you'd stink too.

Sweet and sour sauce from McDonald's. You just put it underneath the armpit before you go out. There you go. Unbelievable. Unbelievable response. Same exact answer. Yeah, just showers and body wash. Yeah, that's really not that hard.

Amazing stuff. Asan, you fucking decimated the whole set, the whole interview. The whole fucking 10 years I've known you, I've done nothing but watch you grow. You're a badass on stage and off. You're the fucking man. Don't ever change the great Asanamad. Anything you want to plug or shout out? Yeah, I got check out my podcast, The Sal,

show. We have a Patreon coming out too where I'll be doing cool history things on there. Yeah. And on tour, asancomedy.com. You can get tickets. Fuck yeah. That's the man. It's my boy. Asan Amad. Let's get one last bucket pull up here

before we bring out the beast. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Looks like a new name. Make some noise for Rodrigo Marin, everybody. Rodrigo Marin. What's up you guys? I like going to the park just to walk around, smoke some weed. You know, the two things that Greg Abbott hates.

You know, guys, they're pretty cocky about their body count. Right? Like this one guy I know, he was like, my body counts like my credit score, bro. In the 300s. It's like, wow, you can't lease a cart and you have herpes. I'm a server at a restaurant, and I had a table call me a retard. Yeah, my manager, she went to go talk to the table to fix it.

She goes and she's like, hey, we're sorry about that retard. Here's a gift card, please come back. And I went back to the table, of course, and I was like... Go ahead, finish. finish. I went back to the table and I was like, sorry about that guys. All right, thank you so much. Rodrigo, Marin. Welcome, Rodrigo. You've been on the show once before? Yeah, like about a year ago, yeah. Yep. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up in total? About three years almost. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I did two years in San Antonio. Okay. San Antonio, very nice. Is that

still where you live, or you live here now? I live here now. What do you do for work? So I weight tables and then I also I train people at a gym. What kind of training do you do? Personal training. Nice. Yeah, like lose weight, you know, fat to skinny. You're on deep in the show here.

We've had a lot of crazy stories and stuff. What do you think is the most interesting fun fact about your life that we would find intriguing about you? I grew up in Chicago until I was like 13. Let me ask it one more time. about that. Anything crazy happened

when you were in Chicago that you remember? Yeah, all the time. One time I had my bike stolen. Ah, he's right here. This is Brian Moses. I thought you looked familiar.

No. No, it was in my back. You want to continue? Sure, yeah. Your bicycle was it was stolen. In your backyard and then it wasn't. And it wasn't.

But here's the thing. I went to go look for it down the street. And when I went, there was a group of kids and one of them had my bike. And I was like, hey, that's my bike. And he was like, oh, here. Here's your bike bag. Wow. What did this group of kids look like?

Can you describe the group of kids? Let's start with their skin color. Go ahead. Pretend he's a cop and you're very angry. What did these shows? Chicago kids look like? Well, you already guessed one word. One word.

Montenegro. I'm just kidding around. It was a black kid, though, right? It was different color kids. It was all of them. It was like a pot of... How about the one that had your bicycle? Really beating around the bush here.

I don't remember his race. Ah, wow. I don't remember his race. I don't. Yeah, no snitching. Hell yes. You don't suck. He could be watching.

Hell yeah. Someone wants to do roast battle tournaments. That's fun. Rodrigo, what's your love life like? You kind of have like a Mexican Pete Davidson energy to you? You out there banging some supermodel or something? It's very original, by the way. No.

I'm sure I made the same joke a year ago. No, the joke that every single comedian makes. Yeah, because you. You kind of look like a Mexican Pete Davidson. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not, it's just, you're just cursed.

I'm cursed. You can't take a shot at the guy making that joke. You look like a Mexican Pete Davidson. It's like calling me gay. It's like, yeah, take your shot. Yeah. I come across as gay. I'm aware of it.

I've been doing this 20 years. I hang out with bigger bullies in the green room than anybody that comes up here. But anyway, go ahead. Love Life, I got dumped like a couple months ago, actually. Okay. Why do you think the person dumped you? Asana Mad's out there getting anal on the person. Meanwhile, you're getting dumped.

Like, what goes wrong? What do you think you did to get dumped? The only thing I did? There's Bangladeshi boys just butt-fucking American white girls. And meanwhile, you're out here getting dumped. Why do you think that is? Shit. I mean, he is missing the hair on top of his head.

Asanamad just absolutely. Bangladeshi. I mean, it is crazy that he is absolutely nutting inside of pure, white, blonde Tacoma, Washington girls' anuses. I mean, just blasting his

Bangladeshi fucking anyway, go ahead. I don't know if they're laughing. I'm not going to do it again if you guys keep laughing like that. I mean, let me just say there's a real dirka-derka-powing the darka-darka of an American girl.

There is just a 7-Eleven going into a 2-2-2. There is a little stinky going into a little stanky out there in America. I could go on and on. Maybe she likes a little stink. Okay, why'd you get dumped? He's getting the dumper of a chick while you're getting dumped by a chick.

Okay, go ahead. Honestly, I think I'm just an asshole, to be honest. What do you think you did that was assholeish? Make fun of her and everything all the time. Wow. You're such a... Not like to make fun of her like, oh, bitch, you know? What would you make fun of exactly?

Just, you know, like, I do the dishes. I don't know. Oh, anal again? Wow. Yeah, do the dishes? That was your roasting of her? Hey Matt, keep it simple. All right, well, I can't even imagine a guy like you owning dishes.

I feel like you're more of a paper plate kind of guy, really. You have dishes? I have upgraded. Wow. Yeah, okay. It saves money. All right. Okay.

You stole the plates from work? I stole them. Rodrigo, fun times, man. You're out here trying your best. You know what? Here's the last big joke book of the night. I'll just give it to you. There goes Rodrigo Marin, everybody.

There you go. You know, I'm in the giving mood right now. How about one more time for Asanamad, butt-fucking old American girl? I mean, you just gotta love it. That is the American dream. I see the looks. I can tell which white guys have never butt-fucked a Tacoma girl right now.

They're just staring at me. Like, how come he going to do it? Right jokes, you f***. We have made it to that part of the night where we have the absolute executioner of Kill Tony. I mean, truly. I mean, this guy is. such a fucking freak. I'm just a fan.

I say this now every week. I just get to sit back and watch because he is unbelievable. He is the one and only, the real deal. This is Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen. One time when I was a kid, I walked into my parents having sex.

Because I heard screaming. And I thought, they might be having sex. I got to check this out, you know? My grandparents They recently hired a Michael Jackson impersonator for a family party. Fucked my nephew.

Very realistic impersonation, you know? And I'll never forget my sister's first period. Fucking bunk beds. That's going to be it. Exactly one minute. From the man you can count on, Like an abacus. Oh, Neil.

Jesus, dude. Absolutely amazing. That crazy lady threw me off in the beginning. Hey, it happens. It's going to get probably a little bit crazier every week as people see, you know, as these episodes drop again and again and again. It's incredible what you're doing. We know.

We've seen it all here. Thank you, sir. It's amazing. We're talking anal sex out here? Yeah, we were. What do you know about that? You know anything about that? I had it with a big gal.

Ooh. Felt like the kid to get lost in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Augustus, poop. Oh, my God. On my cock. Oh, my God. Pat O'Neal. Jesus.

Oh, God. God. Fuck, man. Holy shit. I mean, you are just such an... undeniable part of this show. And what I love is I watch you every week, you know, you do your jokes. You know what you look like. You know the faces to make how to deliver them. They're so on your tone and on brand. Like if they were written down, they're funny on paper. The way you do them,

you take them to a whole other level, like the walking in on your parents having sex, you doing that. And the faces you make and the way you do, you make. And the way you deliver it. It's just fucking amazing, man. Same thing with the Michael Jackson shit. I mean, Moses. It's just funny because these are real stories he's telling. It feels real. I know these are real.

Comedy is truth. Yeah. Do you remember your first joke, the first joke you ever said on stage? Yeah, I was trying to point out how like little person is a much more offensive term than midget, and people in Providence, Rhode Island, were

having no part of it. They did not give me a chance. Yeah. Yeah, that's how it starts. That's how it starts. Stop trying to make serious points after that. Yeah. Well, Pat, I mean, you are just a closer of mass proportions.

We fucking love you, dude. You're unbelievable. No one puts a little bit on it like you. We're lugging him to MSG in August. Two nights. You'll be in Vegas with us. We're going to have so much fun. I can't wait for you to do the.

these giant venues. I can't wait to hear the crowd pop for you when you come out. That's exciting. That's because you're a fucking professional and a perfectionist and you have high expectations for yourself. That's where that nervous thing comes from. How about one more time for the great Pat O'Neill, ladies and gentlemen? How much fun did we have tonight, huh?

How about one more time for my good friend, Brian Moses, everybody? He's got roast battle on YouTube. Go catch up with all the great roast battles. He's been running that fucking thing like a champ for about 13. years. You're coming up on your 13 year anniversary, right? This was a great episode because we had so many roast battleers on here. Check out the Rose Battle of YouTube channel. We have all that stuff on there. We have so much fun. We rip a lot, that kind of a thing.

All these comics up here tonight, you are fucking amazing, man. You've done an outstanding job. It's one of the most diverse shows you can ever see. Everybody's outstanding on here. You're the fucking man. Thank you, brother. Thank you so much. How about one more time for the great Dave Landau, everybody? He's on tour. Check on Dave Landau.com. That's L-A-N-D-A-U.com. come go see this man one of the great true professional comedians thank you for having me i really appreciate it man it's always great every time you come

to austin pal you're on uh he just closed an amazing weekend here at the mothership truly two great comedians one more time for d landau brian moses the best same band in the land red band check out the secret show every thursday at the sunset strip atx dot com love you guys we love you guys thank you so much have a great night everybody we're all getting better about talking openly about mental health, but finding support can still feel overwhelming between schedules, cost, and trying to find the right therapist. It's easy to keep putting it off. That's one reason. I really like Talkspace. Red Bam. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access

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