KILL TONY - KILL TONY #777

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Myles Johnson, Fuzzy Khilji, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 07/06/2026 This episode is brought to you by: Tecovas: Step into premium comfort this summer with handcrafted boots from Tecovas—get 10% off your pair right now by signing up for emails and texts at https://tecovas.com/KILLTONY BlueChew: Buy 2-Months & get a 3rd FREE month of BlueChew Gold, plus 10% OFF & free overnight shipping with code TONY at https://BluewChew.com Ethos: Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at https://ethos.com/killtony Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Trustpilot rating as of 6/1/2025. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill T'Ton. Hey, this is Bradbury coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas,

for a brand new episode of Kiltoni. Get over Tony! It's Glenn! That is the Kiltoni band. Raul Balejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, Michael Gonzalez, the great Matt Mueling on the Electric Jondies on the Keys and Deep Madness on the bass, ladies and gentlemen.

Red Band and I are here. We have a lot of fun stuff lined up. Who's excited to be here tonight, huh? Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You can be a little piggy this August, 7th and August 8th and watch Kill Tony Live from Madison Square Garden on our own independent live stream.

Holy moly, killtonylive.com. That's where you go. You can watch both nights live. These episodes will not go on to YouTube. They're never going to be a normal Monday drop. If you want to see these live Madison Square Gardens, you have to watch the stream. It's available for replay if you buy it for a few weeks, I do believe.

And you can not have an option of getting merch bundles as well. So go to killtonylive.com, get tickets this Thursday at noon to watch the live stream August 7th and August 8th. And if you're a real big kid, get on an airplane and join us live, August 7th and August 8th, Tonyhengecliff.com for those tickets and get the stream after. words to watch again what you already saw. Boom, mind-blowing. Pigs in the blankets all day. We'll see you there. KilltonyLive.com this Thursday at noon. I love it.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week, I booked two of the biggest, funniest, whatever, you name it, combinations, if you will, of comedians in the world. Tonight is special, people. It's very special because you're looking into a crystal ball. This is an episode from the future. Two of the biggest comedians in the world to beat are on tonight's show. I started off as a door guy at the comedy store,

just like so many of your favorite comedians. And, you know, Jim Carrey, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, David Letterman, they were all door guys at a club. They worked their way up. This is the only other club, other than the comedy store that I know of, that has an unbelievable, unbelievable,

strategic system of building up comedians. And we get the first look at the next era of great talent. And tonight, I introduce you to two of the funniest comedians coming up the ranks in the world. The whole building is excited about this episode

because they know how funny these two guys on panel tonight are. So it's very exciting for you. one of them I announced it on a recent episode of Kill Tony. He's the first ever panelist appointed from getting a set. The other one is just another fucking monster. We're going to have so much fun here tonight. Hopefully the bucket cooperates as I introduced to you

to truly the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Miles Johnson and Fuzzy Kilgi, everybody. Here they are in the flood. Miles and Fuzzy. The boys. These pretty faces. Fuzzy. Come on in, boys.

Have a seat. Sit down. You've both been on this show before multiple times, out of the bucket. And now here you are. On panel, you're all grown up. You're wearing matching outfits, obviously. Ties didn't come with that outfit

that you got off Amazon. They're coming tomorrow. They're coming tomorrow. It's a little late. You're buttoned up to the top bells and whistles and everything fizzles. We're excited to have you fuzzy, say hello to these people.

Hello, Austin, Texas. I love you. How the fuck we're feeling tonight? These are the boys. These are the little doggies. Miles, say hello. What's up, fuckers? That's right. That's right. Two of the best performers, joke writers coming up the ranks, you're going to know them, and you know them now. Now, they've been on the show out of the bucket before, but they've never been

on panel, so let me remind you guys. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for this challenge tonight. to hopefully make it or break it here on Kiltony. Absolutely anything can happen. Some of the people are truly, just like these guys, the next thing coming up the ranks. Maybe it's an older comedian that's been dying for a break for decades and signed up for a minute here.

And maybe it's a psycho that literally didn't prepare and they could be completely mentally ill and anything can happen. Go to betterhelp.com and use the promo code Kill Tony and save yourself. I'm going to let this blatant car. cartel member pick the first name out of the bucket. There's just man hair falling into the bucket

right off of those hairy palms of his. Very exciting stuff. Well, we go wrangle that first bucket oh yeah, by the way, they get 60 seconds. You know the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys are ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? I love it. The ketamine girls were staring at me like, how did he know? How did he know that we were on ketamine the whole time?

Ladies and gentlemen, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner who hasn't been on this show in quite a while. Here, to debut a brand new minute is a man that holds the record for most appearances on one episode.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Drew Nickens, everyone. Here we go. That sounded unseasoned. Yeah, I was Mormon until I was 13, and then I left the church because I found out that they didn't let black people into heaven. And I love Wesley Snipes, so if Blade can't go to heaven, and I can't see but donka-dunk in the afterlife, oh, yeah.

Hell yeah, 10 years later, I rejoined the church because I got brain damaged. and God sent a woman from Lubbock, Texas, who was selling solar panels of San Antonio. She said, Drew, if you get baptized, I will give you a blow chop. And when the Lord gets you a sign, when he gets you a vessel that'll take you to the Promised Land, you act on it, can I get a hallelujah?

No, I said, we feel the spirit in this bitch. We love fallacious, whether it's giving or receiving, Can I get a hallelujah? You don't get any head. I got baptized in two weeks. I speed ran that process. And then I hit her up on MySpace, and I found out that she blocked me.

So I got Holy Ghosted. All right. Thank you all so much. That's my time. All right, True Nickens, debuting a new preacher character. It's a good thing started here tonight. I love it.

How does it feel up there tonight? true it's good it's good it's a you know it's a little different because it's a little bit more time in between but i love it yeah and i was actually mormon tony i was i had no idea that you were a mormon yeah what's your favorite part about being a mormon my favorite was all the mountain dew and um they gave you mountain dew you're a lot to drink mountain dew yeah so that's that's how mormons cope we don't get anything but mountain do really yeah and now i guess they're getting into energy drinks hallelujah um hallelujah oh hallelujah So you're saying they're giving blow jobs for baptisms?

Yeah, I'm done with all this Muslim shit. Fuck that, baby. Let's go. We got a priest in the house tonight. As al-a-a-a-l-a-l-l-a-l-l-l-l-a-l-louya. I love it. Drew, I can't tell whether your pants are low or your belly's big or what's going on. You're shaped like a salmon tonight.

Yeah. Something going on. What have you been eating? What's your diet? Can you explain to these people why you're shaped like that? So Taco Bell has a $7 box online.

There it is. You can create your own. I customize it. It's beautiful. What do you, what, how many different, what's your go-to combination with a $7 box? Give me a little horn after each.

This is Taco Bell. So this is you guys, you know what I mean? I need my fucking horn section to represent Taco Bell over there. So for each thing, give it a little pump. Let's go. Take your time with it. One at a time.

Here we go. We do a crunch wrap Supreme with no beef, no tomatoes, no lettuce, sub beads. Then we do a taco with no beef. No bees. Wait, hold on. I'm going to stop you. I'm going to stop you here. Did you just say a taco with no beef?

Yeah, but you replace it with beans. Why? I don't like hamburger. I love steak, but I don't like hamburger. Why don't you put steak on it then? Because that costs more. Oh, that breaks the $7. Yeah, and I got to get my creamy jalapeno on the side.

Oh. Dude, you get creamy jalapeno on the side of a bean taco? Yeah, it's so good, dogs. Starting to make sense. The shape is starting to make sense. You're shitting continuously. No. And holding on to some parts.

There's some parts that are contained. It happens. Rapper. Yeah. Are you eating the wrapper, too? You know you're supposed to take that out first, right, Drew? Fuck. All right.

Well, Drew, you got us started tonight. Fuzzy, what do you think about this? You are our senior Taco Bell $7 box correspondence. Thank you. You can get three for 21. That's a fun little fact. Whoa. Mathematica de la taco.

Now, speaking of beef, I do have a little bit of beef with Drew Nickens. And I don't know if this is... Okay, so... Let's see if we can turn it into beans. And I love this guy. He's a beam of... He's a bean of light. That's right.

And, you know, but... We're on an ultra light beam. We're on an ultra light beam. Okay. All right. So, I was seeing this girl, and she's beautiful, smart, funny. And I was, like, so in love with her. And I was dating her for, like, three weeks.

And then she started ghosting me. And that happens, not the first time. You know? And then... I see on her story she's hanging out with Drew Nickens. No, they were dating. So my,

my bitch left me for Drew Nickens. Apparently she's got a type, huh? Retarded guys. Yeah. She left you for a guy that he's a bean eater. She's white, though. Right when you think a girl ghosting you

doesn't get any worse. You look at her Instagram story, she's kicking it with Drew Nickens. That is just incredible. I love you, Drew. Got that fucking fly. There's a fly in here. Drew, thank you.

You got the show started tonight. Fun times. It's a tough spot being first up here. Drew's got it. And ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Into the bucket we go. You know what it is. Anything can happen here.

Absolutely anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. He goes by the name of Robert Stewart, everybody. Here we go. How's everybody doing? My name? Hell yeah. My name's Robert.

I was born and raised in Oklahoma, which means I'm conservative. That's right. I'm pro-life. Unless she's pregnant with my kid, then fuck that baby. Hell yeah, guys, am I right? $500 in a trip to Kansas City.

Saves me a lifetime of hurt. Anyways, I just recently got my charges expung so I can legally purchase firearms. Hell yeah. Felon. I hear you. Anyways, I went to a gun shop to buy a gun, and it reminds me a lot of going to coffee shop. God damn, I'm nervous.

It reminds me of going to a coffee shop with my ex-girlfriend. Like, I want a tall caramel macchiato, extra foam, caramel drizzle on the side. Like, no, I want a SIG-P-365X macro with a cop barrel. Like, at the end of it, I'm hoping they just both stick them in their mouth so they'll shut the fuck up. Yeah, comedy as a comedian reminds me a lot of narcotics anonymous. Hell yeah. We're just wondering who's going to overdose or kill themselves first.

Also, who's the new girl going to fuck? Thank you so much. That's my time. Robert. Stewart, welcome, Robert. Hi, Robert. How are you doing, Tony? What a wild set.

You got charges expunged, narcotics anonymous. Meanwhile, you look like the cop that arrested you. What an interesting life you're living, Robert. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Fuck. I was doing it for a year, then quit,

because everybody sucked and then I came back. Everybody sucked? I sucked. Oh, you suck. There you go. That means. Okay. What year was this that you did it?

Two years ago. Okay. So you took a year off and now you're back. I'm back. What made you want to start again, Robert? I'm just God's gift to the world, Tony. You know this? You are?

No, okay, but I'm trying. Okay. Yeah. But what made you want to start again? My son, actually. How old's your son? He is 13. Mm-hmm.

And what, can you explain? How your 13-year-old son made you want to start standing up? Well, like, I push him to do the things that he wants to do. And he tells me, we're like, well, why do you quit comedy? I'm like, oh, okay. So I'm actually going to show him what I'm preaching to him. So, yeah, I got back into comedy. I'm enjoying it, you know, again.

Like, I stand out of the drama. Beautiful. What's the drama? What's the drama? I'm from Tulsa. Okay. You've had some... Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Yeah. Tulsa, Oklahoma. What do you get in your $7 Taco Bell box? Oh, fuck. I just load up on spicy potato burritos, honestly. That is the whitest white guy. That is some Oklahoma white guy shit that I've never imagined before. Straight potato burritos. I'm looking at my horn section is very disappointed right now.

They're literally about to deport themselves. I just saw them call eye. on themselves. They're like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I'm on a show where people are eating potato burritos. I was actually raised partially by a black family, so... Really? Yeah. That explains all the charges.

It taught you how to be a felon. Very good. No. How were you raised by a black family? How is that possible? Well, my parents were drug addict, so my white grandparents took care of me, and my next neighbor was a black cop. So I got a lot of ass-whipings by a black daddy.

Wow. What an interesting. let's check in with our senior black daddy correspondent Miles Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. It just makes so much sense why he looks like that now. He's got a cop face and then a black arm. He does have, it's tatted up there. So, Robert, how old are you? I am 35.

35 years old. And what do you do for a living? I have pinch tits or tints. Pinch tints. Hold on. What? Say pinch kids the first? I'm in a rental business.

You put up tents. Yes. Okay. Something you and your 13-year-old have in common, I guess. All right. So, let's talk about it. What were the charges that you recently got expung? Assault and battery, assault and battery,

malicious injury property, and assault and battery. Okay, let's take it one at a time. What was the first assault and battery? I used to do a lot of drugs, Tony. Let's talk about it. Go ahead. I love meth and benzos. It was my shit.

And I fronted a guy, you know, a bag for 300 bucks, and I asked him to pay me back nicely. He told me to get fucked. So I beat his ass in a Dollar General parking lot. Just with your fist, with your fist straight up. Do you have any weapons or anything? No, no, it's already on probation. Take us through it.

What's your approach? If you were already on probation, so what is this, a Tarantino movie? You're starting it in the middle. How were you already on pro? What were you on probation? The first assault battery wasn't a big issue. My girlfriend cheated on me.

I beat the shit out of the guy she cheated on me with. Wow. How did you find him? How did you know who that was? Well, it was just, it was easy. He was fucking her, probably. At the time, you walked in on them? No, I didn't walk in.

It's just like he was leaving her house, and then I caught him at a gas station. Wow, let's check in with her. I actually know a guy I want you to meet. Can we get Drew Knickens back out of your room? Let's fucking go. Yes. Okay.

So take us through another assault and battery. Red Band keeps thinking I'm saying salt and buttery and I hear his stomach growling over here. He's picturing popcorn. All right, go ahead. One was just a bar fight. I got caught in the parking lot by the police officer. What was the bar fight over?

I don't know. I was fucked up. Damn, you don't even remember? He's probably like, you're gay. I was like, no, I'm not. Welcome to my world, my friend. Take my advice. Don't fight it.

All right, let's go through another assault and battery. That was it. That was it. Three assault batteries, yeah. What's the craziest thing you ever did on meth and benzos? Oh, I masturbated for 14 hours straight. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Now, were you using your imagination, or were you watching porn? I was in a buddy's attic watching porn. You were in your friend's attic watching porn.

Yes, sir. Were you watching porn on a laptop, your phone? What are we talking about? My phone, it died a couple times. so I had to recharge it. Did you have a place at the time? Yes. It was Halloween night, and I got high as shit,

and everybody was like, hey, do you want to go to this costume party? And I was like, no. And then his mom was home, so I snuck up in his attic and he was just beating it, you know? Wow. Yeah. He dressed like a teenage mutant ninja turtle just gooning. What were you for Halloween that year?

Depressed, Tony. Yeah. In an attic for 13 hours. I'm pretty sure you were Anne Frank. Very excited. Wow, did you end up... This is only on this show. Do you hear questions like this?

Did you end up climaxing? After the 13-hour masturbation session, do you remember what it was that finally made you go boom? It was like a volcano, but three days later, I was itching so bad I thought I had gave myself athletes' penis

from scratching my foot and masturbating. It was terrible. I had to go to the clinic over it. Turns out it's not a thing. You answered a totally different question than what I asked. Athlete's penis, by the way, if you had that on your Kill Tony Bingo card, you bet $1 on prize picks that the words, athlete's penis would be said like one word,

you just won a billion dollars, everybody. That was probably just asbestos or something like that. Were you around like all the pink shit? Our senior addict jerk off correspondent, Brian Red Band is here, everybody. He knows. If you get the old itchy penis after a 13-hour attic jerk-off session, it's probably asbestos. It was not fiberglass. No, it was not.

Okay. All right. Robert, do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that can, like, jump rope through your own arms if they're connected somehow, right? Like, what is your special skill? Masturbating for long periods of time, I guess. Wow. So you do that a lot, huh?

No, not so much anymore. I'm 35 now. It doesn't last as long. Well, you don't look at day over 50. Thank you. I appreciate it. You only have one kid, 13? Yeah, it's just one kid. I stopped. Okay.

Now, what do you think he's going to say when he sees... Daddy, let me see what you do. You chased your dreams. Dad, you chased your dreams like you told me I should. Can I see what you did? And you talk about how you're pro-life, unless it's your kid. You're basically saying you wish you got an abortion. Your charges are recently expunged, and you're very well-versed in Narcise. narcotics Anonymous, and you jerked off in an attic for 13 hours.

You have three assaults and batteries, and you love meth and benzos. What do you think you're 13-year-old boy? Oh, I gotta leave school now. Hey, Dad. How is Kiltony? I just, uh, I teach my son honesty, so he's used to the crazy shit, honestly. This kid is masturbating in an attic right now. What's what's going on?

I learned it from you, Dad. I'm gonna beat your record, Dad. I'm so close. The boys went for 14 hours. Bagaud he's jerking off like an animal. All right. Robert Stewart, I like your style. Congratulations. You were the first bucket pool

the night. There's a medium-sized joke book. But you can tell your 13-year-old it's a big one. He doesn't know any different. Appreciate you. All right. You guys get it. It's a crazy show. Anything can happen. Your next... Oh! Oh my gosh.

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Tocovas. Point your toes west. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen goes by the name of Eddie Lursa, everyone. It's Eddie. Happy to be here. I had a weird day.

I found a guy jerking off my mom's attic for a while. I also used to be a drug addict, but y'all could tell. Yeah, I don't have this spoon tattooed on my arm because I really fucking love soup, dude. And sometimes when I talk about it, people want to ask me if I ever did any gay stuff for drugs. always just like, yo, where are you guys getting your drugs? I've never seen a hundred dollars a gram or five kisses.

Then that's the only addiction people are comfortable asking that for too. Right? Like, you'd never go up to a big guy eating a twinkie and be like, say, brother, did you suck a dick for that thing today or what? No. Also, there's no drug that makes you gay. I've done them all. You were already gay. It might just so happen that cocaine is the key to your closet queen Like I don't know about y'all I've never gone out with the homies to pick up women

Done a couple lines and been like actually boys Do we even need them right now? That's my time, thank you Eddie Lursa Making what I do believe is your kiltony debut This is my fourth time on actually Fourth time on wow perfect Very memorable no I'm kidding you must have a new haircut

I didn't have this ridiculous haircut before. That is amazing. What made you want to do that exactly? I got this haircut a year ago as a joke, actually, and I kept it because this is true. Every single day since then, at least one black dudes told me it's dope. Really?

Yeah. Kid it. Did you do that so that birds would stop landing on your head? Nah, I got one in there right now. That's what it looks like. It looks like the stuff they put on the top of little ledges outside of restaurants and whatnot. Just trying to look like the coolest P.E. teacher on the January 6th subreddit is all.

What do you do for a living, Eddie Lersa? I part-time bartend and then produce shows and, you know, comedy. How long you've been doing stand-up? Almost three years now. Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Yeah. And tell us about the drugs you were on. This is a very drug-heavy episode so far, but we're going to keep the ball going because that's what you talked about, the entire set.

Yeah, I mean, I was drinking. was my number one thing. That always led to the drugs. Are you sober now? Sober, yeah, for almost three years. Is it tough being a part-time bartender while staying sober? No, it's actually not at first it was, but now, to be honest, drunk people just like when I'm behind the bar, it makes me not want to drink ever again. What's your trick to getting sober? What was it? What was your bottom? Which one? Well, I went to rehab and then it took like two and a half years to get sober after that. You went to rehab for alcohol? Alcohol and cocaine. Nice. There you go.

And then I got out. I was sober off and on. And I mean, the trick is just kind of sad. I just kind of got tired of being sad and trying to kill myself. So I was like, maybe I'll stop now. Perfect. All right. Miles Johnson. What's the longest you've masturbated for? Good question.

Definitely not 14 hours. Maybe five minutes. There you go. On cocaine? I'm going to. efficiency kind of guy. Wow. Eddie, what do you?

That's impressive. Is that not impressive? Impressive in the way that, what? It's short. Your dick doesn't get hard on Coke. No, I mean, you can masturbate for a long time on Coke, but I mean, nothing's really going to happen.

I don't think you goon like that for real, bro. This guy's a fake gooner. Eddie Ler, so what do you do for fun now, now that you're not drinking and doing blow? Dude, it's, I know you hate this answer, but mostly just stand up. Like, it's actually one thing you said one time, somebody was up here talking about how they didn't do, you know how it is, like they were off and on for 10 years, and you were like, no, I was obsessed with this.

I slept in my car behind the comedy store because that's what I want to do. And that's really all I have time for. I go to work. I go to the gym, but that's more just. What do you do at the gym exactly? Tell us what a guy with your build is doing at the gym. What exactly are you just getting protein shakes and then leaving? Just trying not to let the girls see me check them out for the most part like every other guy at the gym.

I mean, just normal. Do you get like the pink weights and like going? Only when nobody's looking, dude. Eddie, what else? Do you have a girlfriend or a wife or something? No, I haven't dated since I stopped drinking. It's way different, not drinking and trying to take women out. There's only so many coffees you can go get before you shit yourself with a girl.

Wow. So when's the last time you were on a date with a girl, ballpark? Three years ago or so, I guess? Three years ago. I haven't dated since I've been in Austin. No random one night. Well, I went to one date, a coffee date with a girl when I first moved here, and I was, like, doing the apps and shit. And I was like, I don't want to waste my time doing this.

And how did that date go? Not good? She said I seemed like I needed to figure some things out. She said that after just an hour or two with you? Hour and a half, maybe. Did you have that hair? cut at the time? I did not. That's where you went wrong. I know.

Should have let her know the old Burslehead was ready for action up there. This thing is a pussy magnet, buddy. Let me tell you. That's right. A lot of people want to date an electric toothbrush. So, Eddie, I'm just trying to figure out something compelling because your answer to what

do you do other than stand-up was stand-up, I mean, there must be something. You must have some hobby or passion. I play online poker a little bit. Not great at it. Wow. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I really don't.

Unfortunately, I don't have. Why is that so funny? He says he plays online poker and he sucks that. I spend my nights losing money pretty much. It's amazing. Amazing. When's the last time you kissed a girl, Eddie Lursa? Three years ago.

I think. Three years. You know what? I literally haven't done anything. You know what? I find that to be unacceptable. Kino, give me some red lights here. Is there a girl out there

in this, Adi? We have the best fan base in the world. I'm sure, and I'm looking out there, there are some hot chicks just wasted on ketamine in this crowd. Is there a girl out there in this crowd that wants to come out and give this guy a real Austin kiss?

He's been sober for three years. Yeah, you might cut your hand on the top of his head, but it has to be, you have to recommend yourself. I hate his haircut. Nobody? Okay, there's one guy that wants to do it. She's not raising her own hand.

There's a lot of girls that want their own friends to, Sarah's not doing it. Sarah's fucking around. She doesn't mean it. Sarah's trying to be. Ladies and gentlemen, here she comes, everyone. We're doing it. We have a real.

person. Wow, that's amazing. Representing the USA tonight. She's wearing a USA jersey. Eddie, you ready for your first real kiss in the lifetime? Here she is. Wow. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen. USA, USA, USA. Here we go. Absolutely incredible. Wait, miss, come back up here. It's been four years for me. Okay.

Eddie, fun times. Here's a medium-sized joke book. Thank you for signing up. Thank you. Eddie Lerset. Beautiful kiss from a beautiful angel. Here we go. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen,

goes by the name of Fumio Flores, everybody. Here comes Fiumio. My name is Fumio. I'm from El Paso, Texas. Fuck, way. I go to U-TEP. I'm a U-Tip minor, and I'm sitting in class,

way, I'm like, what the fuck will we call the U-Tip minors? It makes no sense. And I came to a conclusion. It's because our football team gets molested every weekend, way. They fucking suck. They play Texas, bro, and they got fucked.

And it sucks, because I'm from El Paso, you know? There's like, they're deporting my cousins and shit. right? I'm over here like, we're deporting the wrong people. We should deport the fucking running back. The fucking coach, send them back where they come from, like Florida, North Carolina, because at least my Mexican cousins,

they can touch down in America. The girls from you, Teb dog, they're a bunch of gold diggers, bro. They only want me for my FASA money. Thank you guys. My name is Fumio. Wow. Funio.

Wow. I mean, I, what is that? Why do you say way all the time? It's like my filler word because like Mexicans use the N word, but I use way because I'm like polite.

Right way? Checking in with my Mexicans over here. You say way a lot? It's like an El Paso thing, dude. It's like being a shit. Is that where you're from originally? El Paso? I was born in East El L.A.,

but I was like my mind spawned in El Paso. It's bonded? Yeah, like, my conscience, I was like, in El Paso. How old were you when you were in El Paso? How old? Like, my mom moved from when I was like three years old. So I had no memory that you're still late. That makes sense.

I was born there. We know that, yeah, we got that. Okay, Fiumio. What do you do for work? What cell phone stand do you work at? Nah, nah, nah, no, no, no. I'm not that smart. Nah, nah, no way.

No way, wait. I have three jobs. I work for like, I'm an account manager for massive tickets. I also do, like, I work for U-TEP. I do like their event centers and whatnot. I move chairs. And I mean, comedy is like technically, because I've been getting paid recently. So it's like, yes.

I'm like moving up. Who's been paying you? Who? Fucking, uh, Harvey. Like, just no Paso crew. Javi ballon. Oh, no, you got it. You had us at Harvey.

We don't need a last name. We understood immediately. You have one guy fooled. I love it. Hobbies out there giving away his lunch money. He's getting bullied by East L.A. He's awesome. He gives us opportunity.

So, like, fuck yeah. Okay, I love it. Let's check in with Miles Johnson. You said you worked for Master Ticket? No, massive tickets. It's like event bright, but like it's more catered to like comedy is more niche. It's awesome. It's massive tickets.

Yeah, massive tickets. Yeah, massive tickets. fights. They're slave fights. You buy them at Massa tickets. All these mandingos are going crazy way. No, Django and chain way. Holy shit. Other than

having three jobs, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? Oh, dude, I go, I don't have insurance. I go to Juarez. You go to what? Huadis, Mexico, without Juarez? Oh my God, you go to Mexico for your health care? What do you?

Fuck yeah, dude. They're way better in the ones in Americans. Like, America, they're just a bunch of Indians. So, like, you go to Juarez, at least I understand them in Spanish. You know what I mean? What do you mean, they're just a bunch of Indians? I'm so sorry, way. Dude, he's so sorry, way.

What are you studying at U-Tap? I know it's on English. Yeah, I failed French, but I'm the digital media production major perfect yeah you took French yeah I like

say some stuff in French bonjour yeah bonjour one of fucking bag yeah dude I'm so sorry I barely passed with a sea dog

I just we know that is not breaking news to us Fiumio what's your love life like you have any fucking little little

fucking I have a wonderful girlfriend at home. She's fucking awesome. Is she Latina as well? Of course. Okay. Absolutely. What does she do for work? What does she? She doesn't work. She goes to school at Las Cruces.

Okay. And she studies like the same thing as me. We're trying to like work for like Netflix. No, we're quirky. Okay. Okay. You have any special tricks in the bedroom with her? You seem like a guy that loves making love way. I actually do.

Yeah. Miss Sophia, Mr. Juan, I'm sorry. Who are those people you're apologizing to? Her parents' way. Oh, okay. Okay. I'm safe. I'm safe. No worries. We're safe. Hell yeah. You went to Juarez, got everything cleared up.

Yes. Yes. So what's a special move that you do in the bedroom? How do you keep this woman pleased? How? I just pick her up, dude. I'm... She's like skinnier than me. I'm like pudgy. But like, she's skinnier and I can like, I don't know, dude, we just do the shit, wait. You know what I mean? Whatever it happens, we like have Love Island in the background. We just do it.

Hell yeah. That's the trick nowadays. You have to have Love Island on in the background. Everybody knows that. You've been doing it wrong the whole time, Red Band. Yeah, Red Band. I just watched an episode of that shitty show. That's a horrible show.

I love it. It's Hot People's Zoo. It's Hot People's Zoo. It's Hot People's Zoo. Okay. Fiumio. What do you get in your $7 Taco Bell box? No, I don't get like $7.

I'm from El Paso, bro. We got tacos by the dozen. You go to El Cometa, get you some flautas. Okay. I see Carlos Sosa nodding his head over there. You had him hypnotized for a second. He snapped out of it. He saw me look.

I caught him. He saw me looking at him. And he started laughing. But there was a moment there where he's like, When Bean, tell you. Yeah. A rabble of the flautas. Whatever.

I love it. I love it. You're 100% Latino. Yes, sir. I'm like kind of Japanese. Like, my grandpa's Japanese. Okay. I was, I was a step Japanese grandpa.

I'm named after him. What's his name? Fumio Hayashi and I'm Fumio Flores. Oh my God. He's awesome, bro. He, like, helped my family out. Wow. He'd, like, treated my grandma like the queen, you know?

So, fuck yeah. Wow, amazing. Look at that, Fumio. You have any hobbies or special skills or talents? I can't sing, Can you whistle? Do you have a good Mexican whistle? I think I got a glito. Let's try it. Can I do it? Yeah. Very good. Very good, Fiumio. Very good. You are indeed leaving here with a medium joke book.

There goes Fumio Flores everybody. Fumio put that back where you found it. Arrigato way. This episode is sponsored by Blue Chia. guys stop treating sex like a side quest. Some of you are barely showing up in the bedroom. No passion, no drama, no bed frame fighting for its life. Your neighbors think you're in there building Legos or folding laundry and watching YouTube videos that feature amazing comedy shows.

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Visit blotoo.com for more details and important safety information. And we love Bluechoo for sponsoring the podcast and our bedrooms. All right. We're having fun in here. These bucket pools are wild tonight. Make some noise for the next one. It's a one word name. It's Teresa, everybody.

Who's ever fucked and illegal? The younger, the better, right? I like fucking illegals because if the relationship goes bad you don't even have to block them. You can call them and say the relationship has gone south and so are you.

We freed the slaves. When are we going to free the N-word? Yo, y'all, my pussy's soaking wet tonight. Any wet pussy's pussy's hat? My pussy is soaking wet with period blood.

You think black, black, girls have regular periods or they on time? Are they late? Teresa, everybody. Teresa. Hey, you're going for it.

That's for sure. You're going for it, Teresa. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. I love it. Where at? What part of El Paso, exactly? San Antonio. No, here. In Austin. Wow. Okay. Is this where you originally from?

I was born in Malaysia, raised in Seattle. Okay. How long ago did you move to Austin? Four years ago. And you're Malaysian? Yes. All right. And you were in, how old were you when you moved to Seattle?

Like a year old. Oh, okay. Perfect. Amazing. That's like Fiumio. He moved to El Paso when he was three. A little fun fact for you. Thank you. You guys will be on a show together real soon. Hobby's going to pay you well. Let's check in with Miles Johnson.

You're fucking Asian. I'm half Chinese No, mamis, what? So you're half Chinese? Half white. Half white. Half Chinese, half white. I'm not, no.

Do I look Mexican from back there? Yep. Oh, yeah. We all thought that, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, Fiumio left so much Latino energy on that stage that I think everyone

kind of looks Mexican right now. I'm Mexican on the inside. I bet you are. So Teresa, what do you do for a living? Well, after I got fired from being on the show last time. You got fired because you were on Kiltoni?

Why did you get fired? Well, I said a lot of wild shit, and I worked in education, so... Wow. Now I'm Mexican. I'm a landscaper. I clean houses. and, you know, Mexican shit.

What kind of landscaping are you doing? Well, I don't want to fucking say where I work, you know. Oh, definitely don't say where you work. I can't get you. Like, what do you mow lawns? I like water plants and, you know, just make sure they stay alive. Okay. Yeah.

Keep them wet. I love it. All right. Do you have a boyfriend right now, Ter? I do, yeah. What does he do for work? He doesn't have a job. He's a Mexican without a job, but he's working on it.

Okay. Yeah, boo him. How long have you been with him? I've been with him for a month and a half and he doesn't love me, but he fucks me. What do you mean he doesn't love you? Let's talk about it. He doesn't love me? He just doesn't.

Yes. You asked him, you're like, do you love me? Um, okay. I mean, long time. There you go. Um, well, his roommate, he's been with a girl for three weeks, and they're like, planning how many kids they're having and, you know, what size vehicle and everything. So his roommate's also Latino.

He's Italian. Oh, wow. Shout out Enzo. Shut out. What? His name's Vincenzo. He goes by Enzo. Okay.

Yeah. All right. So he's been with a girl for three weeks. They're planning kids already. Yeah. Okay. That's going to, that's perfect. That's going to go great.

And you're jealous of Enzo. the roommate because he loves his girl so much that he just met. And you're sitting at about twice as long. You're about six, seven weeks with your guy, and you're upset that he doesn't love you. Well, I was engaged after a month with a Mexican, so he's... Why are you doing this? What are you doing?

Well, I did come right out of a psych ward at that time, so... Okay. What made you go into a psych ward? Did you know you were ready for a psych ward? Well, the people around me were telling me that. I did shrooms for the first time, and it was too much. Yeah, okay. And so can you take us through that?

Like, what happened? What were some signs? What do you know what I'm asking you? Like, what were you doing that your friends were like you should get help? Well, I also don't spell very well. I had a sign. I wanted to tell people I was a rapist. I spelled that wrong.

But why did you do that? I was insane off the freaking drugs, man. So you wrote a sign that your goal was to say I'm a rapist. No, I wanted to say I was a rapper, which I'm not. Please don't ask me to rap. But why would you? Okay. Wow, look how many dumb bitches are out there.

Look at it. It's not a rapper. Yeah, I was like, I was running around naked doing cartwheels, you know. There you go. That would be the answer to the question from two minutes ago. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Naked cartwheels goes as the answer to going into a psych ward. Very good.

Okay. Well, Teresa, this is exciting. So now you're a landscaper. And house cleaner. House cleaner. Yeah. Amazing. And you're not Mexican.

I'm not. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And you like saying the N-word? Is that why you were a rapper? Or what's going on with that? No, I actually really rarely like. Like, you know.

You rarely what? I rarely, you know, let it slip. Right. Give us an example of a time that you've said the N word. This is very exciting to hear a Chinese person talk about dropping an N-bomb. You know, just singing a song. Oh, yeah. Singing a rap song, you know, sometimes.

Okay. It's your filler word. You just got to say Wei instead. Yeah. Okay, before... Before I let you go, let's go through this. What is the... What do you think is the most Chinese thing about you

since you're half Chinese? Oh. Most Chinese thing about me. My mom doesn't love me because I'm fat. Uh-huh. That's a good one. You are correct. That checks out.

Does your mom have a wacky Malaysian name that she calls you? I've learned that by studying Asians that they all have a white name like you, Teresa, but then their parents call them a very Asian name. What does your Asian mother call you? Well, I can't pronounce my middle name.

You can't pronounce it? No. Okay, what's that? Try. Zun-sun. Wow. How's it spelled? J-E-N-C-H-E-N. Wow. Heck yeah, there. That'll count. We'll count that as the...

Is that what your mom calls you? No. What does she call you? She rarely calls me. Got it. All right. Teresa, you are the fourth comedian in a row leaving with a medium joke book. Here you go.

Very good. Teresa. There's Teresa. A bunch of dirty jokes. If she keeps doing it, she's going to get good at that. She's going for it. She's got balls. It takes balls to do an N-word joke, a slave joke, an illegal joke, a period, wet-pussy joke.

She was looking right at me. She did a little point. She was like, God damn it. There's a black guy up there. All right. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Joel Lindley, everybody. Here we go.

Oh, shit. You're struggling. I'm having a hard, tough week. Got kicked out of a casino last night. Playing blackjack. There's a guy playing next to me with a prosthetic arm. Like, hey, buddy. Haven't you lost enough?

You don't appear to be the lucky type. I'm a practical joker. I love this. a gun shop, asked to see some handguns. They'll lays them across the counter. I'll pick one up and go, hmm. Nah. Let me see that one.

Oh, that feels good. That looked good to you. Yeah, you wrap that up for me. Oh, and give me one bullet. That's right. I'm going to charge that. I was like, ah, we're going to need cash for that. I'm like, fine.

Fuck it. I'll pay cash, but now I want two bullets. Thank you, ladies gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. My God. Joel, you were just on. Am I correct?

I'm what? You were just on this show. I was just on last week. I love it. Oh, my God. I've been unbelievable, man. I feel like this. I was wanting to say this last time.

I didn't know if I got it out. I feel like after 40 years in the minor leagues. 40 years. I need the major leagues tonight. Yeah. You are. You're very lucky guys. You're signing up.

I'm up in here. I came here a month ago. Yeah. I mean, I expect it. I'll wait two years. If it took me two years to come here, I'll wait two years. years. I mean, you just did it. You did it. I mean, there was a guy earlier that can't believe he got on. He signed up. And then here you are two weeks in a row. I would have dressed different. I said,

well, they're not going to pick me two weeks in a row. So I didn't really dress appropriately. But I got it. Hey, it's fine. So let's talk about it, Joel. What did we not cover last week that you think might be interesting to talk about? Well, I think it's interesting that I lost my best friend, John Mulroney, who was a legend, as you probably remember, at the comedy store. We're supposed to... I don't actually remember him, but I remember Brian Holtsman, who recently mentioned John Mulrooney, slipped on ice and died. Well, that's one way to die from ice.

That's right. We're all afraid of black ice. Black ice, that's right. Absolutely. Except for Miles here. He's one of the good ones. Don't worry, you guys, you're cool. That's right.

So what about John Mulrooney? Well, we were supposed to move here together. He was excited about coming down here and moving here, and he didn't make it. But I came, and I think that's interesting. I don't know. He's a legend, the guy, and he loved what was going on here. Yeah.

In Texas and what you guys were doing here. Yeah. Couldn't be a part of it. Awesome. I can't remember what we talked about last week. Have you been married before? No. I have no kids.

My mom has been telling me you should have a family. Is your mom still alive? Yes, she is. Amazing. She's doing great. Mom's 89. Wow, 89. She is still, yeah. Ethel?

Is her name Ethel? Joyce. Joyce. 89 years old. No, she is healthy. She has a younger boyfriend. She still shaves her pussy. Absolutely.

How fucking cute is that? Absolutely incredible. That's great. She's got the runway. It's those legs like I guess. snow-covered runway. You're a funny guy, Joel. No, my mom, I'm serious. She works, you know,

and she's still expecting you to have kids? How old are you, Joel? I'm 59, but I read at a third grade level. Wow. Amazing. It's good for your skin. Pretty sure you're the smartest guy that's been on this show so far tonight. I was in special ed, though, that's true. I was a slow learner.

Wow. Well, look at you now. Yeah. You're absolutely crushing it. You're 59. Have you gotten your sperm count checked lately? I don't have to. I got a bisectomy at 32. My gift to the world. You got a vasectomy at 32? Yeah, you're welcome.

Wow. This is your story? A girl that was trying to get pregnant. I found out she was trying to get pregnant through a friend of hers. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to go get a vasectomy because I want to keep fucking her. And I really don't want to have kids, and they're reversible. So I did that. She took me to get it.

She thought I was getting my colonoscopy. Oh, that's brilliant. And then you just blasted inside of her. Oh, yeah. I'll be taught. You were done with her. Oh, yeah. She was trying hard.

I'd be in the shower. I'd look in the bedroom. She's not going up with her legs in the air. Oh, my God. Look at that. The 80s were crazy, people. Life was crazy in the 80s. Damn, well, yeah, I'm old enough to remember.

We didn't have bisexual girls. They were dice. That's right. That's all there was. Right. They were manly women. Absolutely. They weren't going trans back then.

Hell no. They just played dress. up and cut their hair. That was it. They weren't getting any operations. They weren't trying to turn their pussy into a weir. That's it. I get called transphobic. People call me transphobic because I don't date transgender.

Oh, yeah? I mean, it's kind of like more of a meddle or trust, isn't it? I mean, if you're willing to cut off your own penis, why in the world would I trust you with mine? Brilliant. Joel, you are fantastic. This guy's got 40 years of jokes pent up inside of them. Thank you.

What else, Joel? I'm single and I hate being single, Tony. Yeah, tell us more. I'm at that age now. You know, I just want to meet a nice girl. Settle down, start cheating on her. I love this fucking guy. What else, Joel?

Tell me more. It's time. Oh, I dated a model. Yeah? One of the heavier models for the larger size clothes. Uh-huh. You probably seen her. She's very successful.

Her name's before. You son of a bitch, Joel. You get me every time. I love big women. I'm a big guy. I love big women, but this bitch was too damn big. Yeah.

How big was? We couldn't even have sex, man. Every time she got on top of me, I tap out. Wait, then what? I couldn't get on top of her. I'm afraid of heights.

Oh, my God. He did it again. Joel's got the joke. Joel's got the joke. Holy shit. I've been waiting my whole life for this fucking moment. It's amazing.

And you were doing comedy back when the Tonight Show where people were watching. Oh yeah, I got rejected from the tonight show. Other than your mom, your mom's the last person watching Jimmy Kimmel. Yeah, my mom's woke. She's woke. Is she? My mom is too. Is he? Oh, it's crazy.

They think they have it all figured out because they're watching the fucking local news. But they can't, yeah. It's bought and paid for. They have no idea. They can't fathom that what they're seeing isn't real. It's crazy, isn't it? My mom believes if you don't hate Donald Trump, you're a bad person. Yeah, no, I know. That's it. I know. I told Trump when I met him that my

mom hates them. We high-fived and laughed about it. You're the man, dude. What can I say? You have jokes built up inside of you. You're fucking doing it. I wish these goddamn kids would understand that the interview part of the show

is an opportunity to continue to be funny. You fucking get it. You're out here putting on a clinic. You're from a whole different fucking era. But I love it. You're living the fucking dream. Dude, two weeks in a row is like really crazy rare. So the comedy gods are looking down upon you.

Yeah. And comedy gods and John Mulroney. Yeah. And John Mulroney. One of John's spots. He probably would have gotten up this week instead of you. Well, look at him. Well, there you go.

He really slipped up. No more Mr. Ice Guy. Who knows, I may have killed him. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty genius. I like that. Anything to make it on top. Could be me.

That's right. Could be you. The freeze is coming. There's already enough. What is that? 200 comics out there? Yeah. You're beating the odds.

Well, thank you again. Well, you got a big joke book last week, right? I did. Well, there you go. Thank you. Thank you. No need for another one. Joel Lindley, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, it's funny how your priorities change. When you're younger, you're worried about making rant or surviving a bad comic. comedy set. Then one day you realize if something actually happened to you, the people you care about would be the ones dealing with the mess. It's not the most exciting conversation, but it's an important one. That's why I like what Ethos is doing. Protect your family with life insurance from Ethos. Get up to $3 million in coverage in as little as 10 minutes at ethos.com slash kiltony. Redband, you need life insurance. You can get a quote in seconds. Apply in minutes and it's all 100% online. There's no medical exam. You just answer a few. health questions online. Some people can even get same-day coverage and some policies start as low as $30 a month. Ethos can also help you find your lowest rate from its network of trusted carriers.

So, take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash kiltony. That's ethyos.com slash kiltony. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. Kim and some chopsticks first. Hans Kim, one of the great regulars of the history of the show. And it is time for us to bring up, one of the brilliant regulars. It is not easy doing a brand new

minute every single week on this show. Expectations are high. Everybody thinks they can do it. They can't. It's not easy. But this man can't. He does over a minute every single week of new material. Ladies and gentlemen, he was once the dark storm of Atlanta, and now he's the dark

Storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the one and only. Dendrick Flynn, everybody. Hey, your boy fresh out the bento box. Yeah, that was me on that AI video getting arrested in Japan. I did that. They took it away from me.

But now I'm back in the greatest country in the world. United States of America. God, I love it. What I don't like is when I landed, I feel like this country is getting way too soft. Like, there's people online trying to talk shit about me going to jail,

but that's not even the first time I went to jail. So I wasn't that worried about it, nor was anybody who loved me because everybody who I've met in my entire life went to jail. Like, that's where you go to become a stronger person. And I knew it was a weak-ass nigga comment because he was using non-gankster words to say what happened. He was like, Dedric, you just squandered your opportunity.

Whatever that means, my nigga. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't even, it's the first time I was squandered. And then I started noticing that countries get weak. We got to tighten up because I went to go look for a car. And this is first time my license's been good. I finally got my license back good. So I went to go look for a car, but then I got upset and I left

because as soon as he showed me the first car, he's trying to sell me the car. He's like, hey, sir, this car has automatic windshield wipers. Nigel, who is that for? Is this country so weak? We don't know what the fuck rain looks like. Is this country so trash at driving that? Y'all don't know what to do when the rain starts.

You hit the woo, woo, woo, whoa, whoa. It's right by, listen, I get it. You don't know your turn signal. I don't know what my turn signal is either. But I've never been in a shambles, being like, oh, it's raining. What do I do if only technology would take over? That this, you think gel is hard? nigga, let me tell you about my life.

You ever drove around with no AC, right? No AC, no power steering with manual windows going down the interstate when it start raining, nigga. It's not, that's the first thing you turn on. Now you got to reach back and manually roll up all four windows while still going 75 miles of fucking hour. But you can't roll them up all the way because then the steam will come up and you can't see.

It looked like a crab boil, right? It looked like a crabball in your car. So everybody who ain't had AC, no, you got one shirt. You keep on the back seat, and then you wipe the window with that shirt. You've never worn that shirt ever again. That's my time.

I love y'all. Dedrick Flint. I've been there. I've been there. My de-frost went off when I lived in Columbus, Ohio, fresh out of high school for a year. And I had a 15-minute drive down to campus, and I used to have to go fucking A-Spen.

tourist style, head out the window during the winter on the freeway, just had to fucking look. John Beez is loving this. Yeah. And that's a real thing. Freezing fucking cold. But yeah, I had the shirt. The wipe only goes so far.

You'd only get this window. So if something happened over here, then this is up to God. Yeah. If the guy in the right lane gets in the left lane, you're dead. Oh, he's dead. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know what I'm saying? Jesus old school cars.

Everybody dies. Yeah. Yep. No doubt. No doubt. I love it. I love the squandered thing. That was what?

What does that even mean? How do you, I like, you squander. Everybody, like, I was, like, Nelson Mandela spent 40 years in jail, and then after that became the president. My nigga, I said 23 days, that wasn't enough to change me into the president. Like, y'all got to just let it happen. You know, jail is cool. That's where you get to collect all your thoughts.

Like, that's where I got to, like, After like the 17th day, I realized I had thought of everything that you could think of. I watched, like, I used to watch, like, movies in my head because, like, the movies I used to watch on VHS that I were rewind. I know them verbatim. So if you want to hear Shrek, my nigga, I could do it any time or, like, Princess Diaries. And then after the movie, I was like, okay, let me spend some time on myself. So I would gather all 500 niggas that work in my brain. And then I listened to all of them.

And then we said, you got to work harder. Yeah. Yeah. I wish more people and brains told people that. Yeah. Well, they got to go to jail, Tony. We will see. I love that you know the word verbatim, by the way.

You use the word verbatim properly there while not knowing what squandered means. Because they don't even teach, like, I knew a verbat. I went to college. I graduated. I got a degree in ethics and philosophy, but that nigga never said squandered. I didn't know I didn't know I didn't know like certain words

Come for opportunities I guess I guess you can't really squander a job at Wendy's I don't think you I don't think We got the We got the boys up here tonight

How about this? My dogs How are y'all doing, man? What up, Derek, nice to see you, brother I thought y'all had on matches No, they're a little different But

Are those suits you all already had? No I got mine for tonight. How did you get the hole in the crotch? He has a hole in his crotch. He told me not to mention it during the show, but... It happened when I even walked out. There's no way I could squander that opportunity.

You didn't damn squandered eyes your pants, it's a word. I love it. You guys haven't... What's squandered in Spanish, Carlos? See, Mexican niggas don't even squander nothing. This ain't even my word. Only white people can squander.

And hoodwink and bamblewsalizer, nigger. Did you make any friends in Japanese, too? Yeah, I made friends with everybody. The cops love me. But they didn't speak a lot of English. We only had this device where they do, like, talk to text, like, on a thing. But it didn't work that well. So they had to walk away, speak Japanese.

I would put it in it and they would like roll it down. So I would try to slide in a joke every time. And so every time I did slide in a joke, they'd be like, uh-huh. Super comedians. Oh. Very nice shit. Nobody even called me a criminal.

They just only call me a super comedian every time I was selling. But yeah, I made friends. I got a sense. We started doing like, yeah, I'm doing real good. What are you about to do? You want me to catch it? No, I'm gonna kill a fly.

I'm gonna kill a fly. Give me some chopsticks. I'll catch the fly. You did that? Did you do that in Japanese prison? That's the first thing they teach you, Tom. Barack Monde is very good. They're catching a fresh.

Oh, man, that nigga. He no better than a fly around this motherfucker. The man is, I learned how to be blind in a samurai. And I've been waiting to tell you that. I appreciate you being here playing the bass. That's how I am now with comedy. I'm blind to the bullshit. Dedrick, you're absolutely killing it.

Thank you so much. You did it again tonight. I love y'all. Thank y'all so much. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dedrick Flynn. Michael, do you prop the door open when you load in your drums? No. Trying to figure out how these fucking flies got in here tonight. I know a lot came in with Teresa.

They were swarming around Teresa's head. She is on her period. She said she's on her period. The flies are flying tonight, folks. I do believe this next bucket pool is one of the people that arrested Dedrick Flynn by the looks of this name. Make some noise for Ty Wynn, everybody. It's the return of Ty Wynn. I've been doing stand-out comedy for 11 years now.

So that means for 11 years I've been drinking nothing but PBR. Anybody here that drink shitty beers, we all drink it because we have one thing in common. We're not drinking it for the taste. Same way we don't eat booty for the taste. We do it due to insufficient funds. I'm actually doing better than my older brother. He's a parkour artist. If you don't know what that is,

it's the art of throwing or your parents hoping dreams out of the window. My little sister, she's the most successful one in the whole entire family. She's a gastro-intestinal doctor. intestinal doctor. And she's so good at her job that she can smell your farce and tell you how many months you got left. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Tai win.

We've known Thai for a long time. All the way since Los Angeles, right? Austin. We met you in Austin. But y'all did tell me to come to North Angeles. That's right. That's when we were based out of L.A. We came and did one on the road at Spider House Ballroom.

Yes. Welcome back. Well, I'm happy to be here. I sign up because I thought Kanye West would be on the panel. Not tonight. Not tonight. But still we have Malcolm X. Absolutely.

You're talking about me or fuzzling? Hey, I've been watching you guys from backstage, and you guys were quiet as a mouse. What is going on? Do you want to join panel, Ty? What's going on here? No. I was like, you know. I don't know.

I thought I just go up and bust their balls to have something to say. You did. You just busted their ball. Yeah, now they're self-conscious. Now they won't even speak. They might as well do sound effects. What's your fucking problem, Ty?

I mean, just that Kanye West, you should say something controversial and you go viral. Wow. What was it like being Dedrick Sensei? I mean, he eats a lot. He sleep a lot. Okay

Ty, tell us about your life What have you been up to? You've been doing stand-up for 11 years But catch us up with the other stuff I'm working on a rap album It's like a mid-90s East Coast rap album About stand-o comedy You want to rap right now?

Why don't you give Michael a little beat Make sure he doesn't play it too hard So that people can understand the words that you're saying This song is on the album It's a song I wrote 10 years ago Okay, wait, let me ask you Is it copyrighted? Because YouTube, if it flags on YouTube, because they have robots,

if they recognize it off of a thing that you've already had it published on. No, it's not published. It's not published? It actually not good enough to be published. Are you sure? Not if I don't roll my house. Okay. They don't want cash it.

All right. Give Michael the beat. Tell Michael the beat that you want. I guess I'll just rap and then y'all could do the beat behind me. like last time. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't seen an Asian

from Flugerville rap before, you haven't lived. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Tai Wynn. So this song is about, you know, how when you're hungry and you don't have money to pay for food, so you have to use what your mom gave you.

I go, uh, one pussy nicking, that's some churches chicken. When I stick it in her, that's a steak dinner. When I come and stop, That's some french fry.

Snake and dicks for meal, that's a damn good deal. Bottom nine is, my stomach can be empty. Because if I'm hungry, then my dick get wimpy. No, I'm not a pimp. I don't need the money. I just want the food like a third world country. Order some takeout, then we can't make out. I don't want booty when I tell you bring them cake out.

I'm talking about food. I'm talking about dessert. I'd rather see you cook. Then I'd rather see you twerk. You want to turn me on, turn the oven on. You want to turn me off, turn the oven off. You want to get some dick, cook like a champ. You want your booty neck, get some food stamps.

Wow. I just know Fuzzy had to slang hell no dicks to get that big. Wow. You keep going after the panel. What the fuck's the problem, bro? I thought we were French. Until you made it, you're on a panel, you'll never reach back.

You'll never ask me to be on anything at the mothership. I fucking never text me. I tried to get on the rap. You wouldn't let me. I said, I have 16 for your ass. You left my ass on red. Oh, a little quiet. Look at that.

I was going to say something about Israel, but I thought not for my career's sake. Since I'm here, I am looking for more headlining spots, so. I got good news for you. Don't aid this out, Red Band. Havi is hiring right now. What?

There's a guy named Havi who's paying people to do shows. It's feeling like an inside joke based on the previous contestant. Yes. Well, actually, you're very smart type. You let your Asian side out there. And you are correct. There's a guy named Eddie Lursa, who's getting paid to do comedy, and he's only been doing it in three years,

and he's getting paid by Havi. Javi. Is that a cartel member? It might be. Yeah, is it? Ty, what else is going on in life before I get you out of here? Anything else crazy we should know about?

Are you in love yet? I host a weekly Tuesday comedy show at the green room at 8 p.m. Okay. Yeah, don't either that out, Red Band. I really need this. And the headlining stuff. That's great.

You know how tough it is to be a comedian and try and get headlining spots. Very much so. about it. But Ty, you're a very funny man. Thank you. Do you still have your comedy show at your house every week? Yeah, it'd be Wednesday at 8 p.m.

That's great. And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Oh, thank you. There you go. That's a Tuesday at the Green Room, Wednesday at his house, and Thursday at the Secret Show. Ty Wynn, everybody. All right, we're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it.

There's the lovely Heidi. I mean, my goodness, gracious. Have you ever seen anything? What a smoke show. On to the next one, everybody. This looks like a fun name. It goes by the name of Uncle G, everyone. Here comes Uncle G. First cherry when I was 15 years old.

I've been slapping ass for 54 fucking years. Had everything from jail bait to myths. These days I'm working for grifts. Grandmothers I'd like to fuck. This lady now, she's a great, great-grandmother. Makes me a great-great-grandmother fucker. No, no, no, she's 69 years old, y'all. Told me her day she was a cougar.

I said, hell, baby, at your age, you're a saber-tooth. No, but she showed me a sex move. Can't no young woman show you. How many y'all ever heard of a sex move called a 138? 138. That's when you have 69 with a 69-year-old. I give you slow fuckers time, do them. math. My man.

Welcome. Uncle motherfucking G. has arrived to the Kiltoni universe. And I love your style. Holy shit. What part of Louisiana are you from?

I'm from Atlanta, man. Atlanta. With a thick accent like that, you said Kuga at one point. I don't know. Well, I don't know. I say this shit like, when I'm in Atlanta, I don't have no fucking accent. Damn.

Y'all do. Wow. Look at you. You are fucking killing it. gee, how long you've been doing stand-up? I started late in life. I didn't start until I was 57. How old, that must have been 30 years ago. I'm 68 now. Okay. Back you too, man.

I love it. You're 68. You're fucking killing it. I mean, you get it. You didn't waste any time. I didn't have no fucking time to waste. You're damn right. You're damn right. I love it. My God, I love it. You're damn right. Again, I'll say it again.

It's another thing I wish fucking everybody understood when they got pulled out of this. You got come home, motherfuckers. Oh, I love this guy. I love you. What have you been doing your whole life? What made you start so late? I was a mortgage banker for a, or banker for forever.

Do you do good for yourself? You made some money? Yeah, I'm sitting on bank. Oh, I can tell. Those eyebrows went way up your forehead when I got to... I got older, and my friends said, you dating these women, man. You got to lower your standards. I said, fuck that.

I'm raising my allowance. Take us through it. What else, Uncle G? What have you been doing? Tell us about your life. Give us some fun facts about... Well, I do motivational speaking on suicide awareness of all things. You really do?

I had two brothers commit suicide, and the third would try. And now I got a book, The Ballad of Uncle G, from Suicide Survivor to Stand Up comedian. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm doing a lot of good shit. Wow. I love that. Wow. Doctor asked me if I was suicidal.

I said, no, motherfucker, but I get homicidal. Damn right. Yeah. Damn right. But I started dating when I was in rehab. Tell us about it. Started dating as schizophrenic. Had to break her with her twice.

This is the craziest fucking woman you'll ever meet in your life, y'all. She had two distinct personalities. One was named she. And the other one was the other. was named her. She wasn't nothing like her. Fortunately, when I met her, she was in remission. So I take

her to dinner one night, and damn me, she don't show up. She's into me, but hell, I'm into her. I didn't care. I took them home. I'm into her. She's into me. You ever had a three-way with just two people in a fucking room? Holly, I looked at her and said, she got to go.

Her response was, if she goes, I go. I said, y'all both get to fuck out of here. Uncle G. I'm in love with you. Uncle G, we need some wisdom in this room. My boy here, this guy right here, this is

two of the funniest upcoming guys in the world. This is Fuzzy right here. Meet Fuzzy. Nice to meet you, Uncle G. Let me tell you something. A girl left Fuzzy for Drew Nickens. You don't even want to know, buddy. Let's talk about, get back to that microphone. Let's talk.

about it. You crazy. I got three ex-wives. Okay, let's talk about these ex-wives. Tell us what you've learned, Uncle Gee. Well, what'd you learn from these ladies? I learned quite a fucking bit, actually. I learned how expensive divorce is, y'all. Three divorces are between alimony, child support, houses. I spent a million two.

You know, you know why a divorce so expensive? Why? Because it's fucking worth it. I love it. This man. You guys have been calling me gay for 13 years. I have a confession. Uncle Jesus, my motherfucking man.

You want to get divorced again? Let's do it. No, no, no. What was it? But I did the math, y'all. I was married a total of 40 years. Got laid twice a week. That's 4,000 piece of ass. Do the math. It cost me $300 every time I got laid. I don't quit buying, pussy.

I'm renting it. So if you and you ladies want to make $300? I love this fucking guy. I'll be out front. Hold on. I'm not letting you go just yet. That ain't prostitution. That's at least with an option to buy. Holy shit. You missed me, didn't you?

Oh, I love you. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this, Uncle G. Because you seem like you know how to please a woman. I want to know. What are some of your tricks? There's a lot of young bucks out here. There's some fucking, there's some fucking young guys. Like I was saying, Fuzzy lost his girl to a guy with brain damage. Yeah, I'm going to need that book.

I'll tell you like. My daddy told me, when you take a woman to dinner for the first date, see how she treats the waitress. Yeah. In my waiter, you know, my first wife, we got to dinner and she's looking at me. She won't even look at him. She goes, tell him I want a steak. tell him I want a baked potato and get me a dessert, please. Show enough, 10 years later, I'm at the divorce fucking trial.

She wanted to look at me. She's looking at the attorney going, tell him I want alimony. Tell him I want to tell him I want to tell him. Then my first wife left me. She let work come between us. I realized that when she divorced me and married her fucking boss. My second wife, this is no shit. She gained 140 pounds.

First year was married. I'd always dream about sleeping with two women, but damn, I didn't think she'd be both of them. To be fair, she got confused with the preacher. She thought he said in thickness and in hell. He does this thing where he winks at me sometimes, by the way.

He does this thing where he winks. He kills. It's the best fucking guy. He's the best guy. Let me ask you one more question. This is my final. We're in overtime in this interview. I've spent more time with you.

up here than anybody all night long. I can't get enough of you. Let me ask you this, because you seem like you're a master in the bedroom. Do you have any tricks or advice that you can give these people out here? You've taught us so much already, but you seem like the kind of guy

that really knows how to please a woman. Okay. He wrote a book about this, folks. Never sweat the petty stuff. I always pet the sweaty stuff. What I love about this show is that so many people come in so many different shapes and sizes. Some people start early in life. Some people start late in life.

Whatever the fuck you are, Uncle G, you are built for this shit. And my friend, since the set and the interview and everything has just been nothing but absolute a fucking blast. I've enjoyed the fuck out of it. Well, I got to tell you, my friend, you are the newest golden ticket winner here on Kill Tony. That's yours, buddy. Holy shit. We need more Uncle Gee.

You let us know when you want to come back, you'll get an automatic spot. Yeah. What? They're going to take care of it right back there. Hey, y'all, thank you. I appreciate it. It's a good question.

Uncle Gee. ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit! What it's all about. That's what it's all about. You want to know how to make it and showbiz? Do that.

Who do I contact? This guy I've ever seen. Wow. All right. We're having fun in here. Let's see if we can fuck it up with your next bucket pool. Make some noise warm.

It's Chris. Lungoria everybody here comes Chris Longoria. My buddies and I took a trip the other day and I decided to put the Airbnb on my credit card and have them reimburse me on cash app and this is how these jokers reimburse me. $186 from Rick for dat bussy. $186 from Rubin for great sex. $186 from Gabe for the Cut Corner Club membership and $186 from Gabe for the Cut Corner Club membership and $186 from my dad for a great weekend at the Airbnb with the boys.

Now, when my nose guy's ex-girlfriend went through my phone and saw all these transactions, she's like, baby, did you prostitute yourself out to two gay men? Have a third gay man watching you and had your dad part of the whole freaky-ass situation? I'm like, nah, baby, you know they're their assholes. They're just joking. And she goes, all right, well, then what's this $5 charge you sent back to Rick for a great blow job? I was like, oh, fuck, I could explain that shit. $5 is a hell of a deal. It costs way more than $5 for you to even look at it.

Much less touch it. All right, guys, that's been my time. I've been Chris Longoria. Chris Longoria. It's tough to follow Uncle G, Chris. You're coming out after a blizzard. Even the flies left after fucking... The flies are like, this guy's too good.

We're going to the fucking Shakespeare's. Go watch the open mic over there. I had to watch it from the beginning because I was sitting in the crowd, so I saw the whole thing. Congratulations to him, man. What made you, you like just wanted to see the show tonight?

Yeah, I'm a big fan. I've been watching since before I started doing comedy, so yeah, yeah. I love it. How long you've been on comedy? Going on three years. You've been on this show before, right? About a month ago with Tom Segura

and Cheryl Underwood, yes. Okay. What do we learn about you there in the interview? Tom tried to get me caught up with ice and tried to say I was from Mexico. Yeah, but you're not? I'm not. I'm from Corpus Christi. Okay.

That's the Mexico of Texas. Really close, really close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And that was about it. That was about all we really talked about. Okay. Well, what's something that you think would be interesting for us to talk about?

So I once tried going drink for drink with professional wrestlers and ended up blacked out in a wrestler's room and then blacked out in the hallway outside of his room. What wrestlers? With AEW and my best friend Sammy Guevara. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Very cool. How did you make friends with all those?

those guys? There's an independent wrestling company in Corpus Christi. I was just a big fan, started going to all of them and just became friends with a lot of dudes. I have a lot of friends in WWE and AEW right now. Very cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at you. You ever wear a luchador mask?

During sex, yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Oh, that was you. Yeah. Good time. I'll Venmo you.

Hell yeah, I got you. You guys have anything to say to Chris Longoria over here? Are you over here? What do we think about Chris, boys? Let's check in with the panel over here. Thought you were funny, man. You just got to keep grinding. You know what I mean?

You got to fucking... If I were you, I would pretend to be Indian. And then if I was giving you actual... Actually, I'd pretend to be Pakistani. And I come out here and I go, yo, are there any Indians in here? And then one fucker would go, who. And I go, fuck you, Pakistan forever!

I'll try that next time. The only voice I can really give, Tony. I'm sorry. It works. No, it works. It's checking with Miles Johnson here. I don't really have anything funny to say I think

Thanks bro I think you should You should have gave it a second And then start it Because everybody was still reeling from that fucking Uncle G shit That guy was fucking crazy So the last time I was on

I went all the way to the bear And I was scared of that happening So I was like let me just jump straight in it He's talking about the beginning The beginning like kind of like And you did it right You started with the joke But it was like fast and heart

And there's also a lot of math before we realize what the joke's going on. Like people are trying to figure out what's the 180, whatever. Yeah, absolutely. Like, what's going on? But I get it. Again, you just went up after a very rare, you know, beast in Uncle G.

He had his moment at 68 years old, and then you come up here, just another Sprite Latino. Yes, sir. Yeah, are you Mexican? Yeah. No way. Well, half of my family... No, he's for just...

Half of my family's from... and half of my family's from Mexico. I did some research after the last time I came while. Y'all grilled me about because I said I wasn't from, my family wasn't from Mexico. I did some research. And my mother's side of the family is from Spain. And I don't know where the fuck my dad's side of the family is. So I'm going to assume Mexico.

Right. Wherever that one guy goes for his medicine. Yeah. All right. Well, Chris, there you go. What size joke book did you get last? Medium last time. Okay.

There you go. Cool. You did it. Chris Longoria. Chris Longhouse. All right. We know this next lady. She was famously at the

January 6th riot. What do they call it? One side calls it riots. What do they call it? Not riots. A field trip is what they call it. Insurrection is what they call it. Some people call it a guided tour. 51% of the country

calls it a guided tour of the capital. The other ones call it an insurrection. So it all depends on what news channels you watch. Make some noise for. It's Karen Jones, everybody. Hello. Good to see, everyone. When my oldest son was 11 years old, he found out that our entire family was peeing in the shower. He didn't know you could pee in the shower and he got pissed. It's like, you're letting me go in a shower where everyone is peeing. I just thought, I'm not going to tell him how much his dad jacks off in there. It could turn him into a sexual deviant.

Thank God that didn't happen. You know, it's 40 years later, and he manages strip clubs. So it worked out okay. Now, if you would have told me back then that in 40 years, I would be having sex with a 74-year-old man, you would have been wrong. I think old people having sex is sickening.

Right? Does anybody want to think about their grandma and grandpa having sex? Ugh. Yeah. I said that to my grandson. He's like,

my other grandparents have sex. Like, how do you know that? I've walked in on him twice. Thank you. That's my time. Okay, Karen.

All right. Well, okay. Karen Jones. An interesting set tonight. Welcome, welcome. How are you? You've been working that out? You've been going to open mics and stuff? Well, yes, I have been.

How's that going? It's going really well. Tell us more. What's going on, Karen Jones? What are you up to nowadays? There's always some crazy shit going on. Last time I was in the- Still living in California? I still own a house in California, and I'm not going to live in it.

Right. Because the neighborhood turned on you when you got on the news for being part of the guided tour. It was a guided tour. and good news, they released the rest or a good part of the badge cans in the last 24 hours. What does that mean? It means you'll get to see me take a blow to the belly

when I said a nice thing to a policeman and he just went, boom, in my stomach. I'm like, oh, my God, I walked into a trap. On January 6th. So there's going to be video of you getting hit by a police officer. I sure hope so. Because that happened.

It definitely happened. I told everybody from, you know, day one, and now this is going to come out. The shoving of me, I've already seen those videos, like I didn't do anything. They invited us in and attacked us. I know it's hard to believe.

Very exciting that we're going to get to see that video. Normally, if we want to see you on our televisions, we have to watch The Conjuring. Very exciting. Woman in the Nunn outfit, everybody. That's her. If you turn your lights out. Well, the reason

that there are other reasons why I'm not living in my house in California. It's in Santa Anaz, California. I don't know if you know where Santa Anaz is. It doesn't matter, go ahead. Well, it really does matter. Okay. It matters a lot. Jesus, let's talk geography.

Well, I'm celebrity adjacent. Okay. It's where Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, it's Reagan Ranch. It's the California. Neverland Ranch is one of Red Band's favorite salad dressings. We're having fun here tonight. No, anyway, I live in the last residential, or I lived in the last house in downtown. I live at the four-way stop.

Is it a haunted house? No, it is a historical house. We're close. It's going to be a comedy club. You got me, Redfin. That was very good. It made me ruin that hit of a cigarette. Nothing tastes worse than when you have a spit take with a lung full of cigarette smoke.

I miss that. You miss smoking. Oh, yeah. I bet you do. I do. How long did you smoke for, Karen? From the time I could walk. Right?

Wow. Well, I was born in the 50s, and little kids smoked then. Hell yeah. But then I quit in my early 30s when it started being uncool. Like when they started making people... California got down on smokers really early. And when they sent people outside to smoke, I'm like, no, I'm not going to huddle with a bunch of addicts out, you know, under...

awning in the rain. Right. Yeah, not my style. Not your style. Storming the Capitol building. Getting a tour, an invited tour from the commander-in-chief, the top law enforcement person in the United States invited us to Washington. RSVPed to a permitted event, was invited in and took one to the belly. Now, who invited you in? Was it a person?

No, police officers. The Capitol police were nice, and they were outside. And people should know I was on the nice side of the Capitol. I was on the east side because I had to go pee. And so we stopped at the hotel. And I've been having to go back and prepare my comedy club. And I found my... So I found my hotel key from that day.

And I had forgotten that the name of our hotel was the Capitol. And on the card, it has a picture of the Capitol. and it says enter. And I thought, oh, this is ironic. Right. Yeah. You went in and peed in the shower. No.

I peed in the toilet. But I think most people, most good people, pee in the shower. No doubt about it. Yeah, you're not going to get out of a shower. Don't pee in the shower. You're fucking, that means you think you have weird pee. I think something's going on. And that's, I felt kind of embarrassed that my son got so old and didn't know that you can pee in that drain hole.

The whole family was doing it. You're damn right. You're damn right. William Montgomery shits in that pee hole in the shower. I've heard people say that. And I, if a guy back before I met my husband on a one-night stand, if a guy would have shit in my shower, I never would have went out with him again.

You're damn right. That's a one-night stand. Yeah, exactly. Where's the weirdest place you've ever peed, Karen Jones? I saw you pee. I believe in the movie The Exorcist. You were lying in bed. They had you chained up.

Well, you know. I can't really think of weird places because it's very hard to be outside. Fuzzy's face is looking like it's asking for it tonight. I don't know if you see something. I don't know the weirdest place you pee, but I know the weirdest place you shit was Pelosi's desk. See, right there, that's why people have so much trouble,

so much trouble believing the truth about January 6th because there's so much misinformation. Right, they just let you in, right? No. That actually happened on 9-11. They just let us into the cockpit. They told us we could land here. They said we could land here.

No, no, I'm joking. I believe you for real, though. Believe you, too. I think you really think that. And a lot of people did think that. But more and more people are figuring out that the 2020 election was stolen. There's been a lot of funny business going on. Somehow more, I mean, I don't like getting political, believe it or not.

I know I did the one thing. But I had to make sure we had the right president. No, Tony, I felt you so much for that 10-day period before the election. That's how I felt for four years. Yeah, I get it. Oh, God, I did something good, and they turned it around and attacked President Trump. Hey, I get it. Absolutely.

But it all works out. It all works out. It definitely does. In the 60s, where you're like a hardcore hippie, like compound girl nudist shit thing? I'm a never nude. Like on arrested development. Okay. Like my husband, if he sees me nude, it's totally an accident.

Karen, I love your style. I love you, Tony. And you know what? I feel like as crazy as it sounds, and I know people think I'm fucking nuts for this. I, there's something that I honestly think that you're telling the truth about January 6th. I don't think you would be so passionate and lie of it. about being let in, being guided through. We've talked about this a few times.

You are like, you know, a lot of, you know, during COVID and a lot of things, I kind of like saw with my own eyes and ears what was going on. And you're kind of like my January 6th canary in the coal mine, which makes sense because you literally look like a canary that's been through a coal mine. We love you, Karen. I'm old. Your set was absolutely god-awful, but I love you so much. You're leaving here with a big joke book.

Bill. Oh shit. You're going to say that I beat your stomach with a joke book. Oh, no. She was assaulted. It was on purpose. She was assaulted by the commander of Kill Tony. Thank you to my people in line.

We love you. Karen Jones, everybody. Put that mic stand back where you found it, you little rioter. All right. I guess that's the way the microphone was facing. You got to put... I mean, look at that.

microphone. Don't you believe her about January 6th? I was just, I was just walking around. And he struck me. I have to see that fucking footage. I just wanted to see the rose room. I wanted to see the Rose Garden. You saying, you saying that she's shit in Pelosi's desk almost made me pass out. I really believe that.

I was taking a little shit. As a police officer hit me. He struck me. I thought I was having fun and I squandered it. I thought it was part of the tour. Oh, I'm having fun. You guys having fun out there? What a show.

This is our last fucking pool of the night. Then we put a ribbon on it. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Jake Stewart, everybody. Some guy just told me I look like Jeffrey Dahmer with an iron deficiency. So I guess I've got to look in this Jeffrey Dahmer guy's diet

see if I'm missing anything. I've noticed a lot of straight guys, other straight guys, I mean, they get offended or upset whenever they get like a compliment from a gay guy, you know? And I never do, you know? I feel like the number one compliment I get from gay guys is like my asshole feels amazing.

And that doesn't make me gay. You can just take a compliment, you know what I'm like? My mom wants me to say that's a joke. My mom, she wants me to, she's pretty clear about that. She wants me to quit smoking weed and doing stand-up comedy. That's not what she said. She said, I got to start paying for my own weed. Fucking bitch.

Don't be alarmed, sir. Sometimes white guys, we call our mom's bitch. He's looking at me like, I mean, he's whiter than you, but okay, Jake. What the fuck did I do? Hey, yo, motherfucker. You calling you your mama, bitch, motherfucker. This motherfucker, okay.

All right, Jake. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up, Jake? Almost two years. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. I am so fucking nervous. You're doing fine.

You're doing great, Jake. Great, great stuff. Do you really smoke weed with your mom? No, my mom is a devout Christian. She's a saint. I smoke a lot of weed. She doesn't condone of that. Perfect.

How old are you? I'm 27. 27. You've been doing it three years, you said? I've been doing almost two years. Almost two years. What do you do for work? I'm a server.

Where are you serving at? Austin Country Club. Ooh, that's a good gig. How'd you get that job? One of my mentors in hospitality, he... No, hey, no, fuck you. What did he say? We don't know what that guy said, even.

You're right, I'm sorry. He just laughed. Oh. I like that. You're in the right industry to get mad at people laughing. Yeah. I just, I just, I am passionate about hospitality. Like, I like to take care of people, and I like to bartend, and I think I'm, I think I'm good at it.

My, uh, I got the job because, uh, one of my mentors in hospitality, uh, had the job. Uh-huh. He laughed again. Yeah, well, I mean, you're leaving a long pause after you say mentors in hospitality. You're giving the room a lot of time to react to us. It's like, it's like you're saying like a thousand-year-old. Asian guys teaching you how to wait tables. Well, he calls me

his apprentice. Wow. He says, he'll introduce me the tables. He'll be like, this is my apprentice. Wow. And then I'll be like, what a good can I get for you to drink? Wow. He's a great guy, though. He used to work at the, he tried to get me to come work at the Betty.

And his name's Layton, and shout out Layton. He taught me everything I know about bartending. There's a bunch of other bartenders who'd be really pissed that I said that. Very good. We love the Betty. Great jinks of the Betty, one of the best bars in the city without it down. It's a great bar. Probably the best bar in Austin, Texas, but

I'd agree with that. I'd agree with that. A lot of hot guys. A lot of hot guys. Surprise you didn't get the job. The place is filled with smoking hot dudes. Well, I got a... Kidding, it's all hot chicks. It makes sense you weren't hired. You're right. Over here. Yeah, I'm sorry. So tell us more about your

life. What do you do for fun? Enough about your hospitality, tour. We all heard about that. Well, I just got engaged. Yeah. All right. Where'd you meet this little dame at? Serving tables. Okay. You were taking care of her? No, we serve tables together. Oh, nice. How long have you worked with her? We don't work together anymore because that was a lot, but we've been together for approaching five years now. Wow. Amazing. And she's serving somewhere else now? No, she works an interior design firm. Okay.

She's like an estimator. All right. And when are you planning on actually getting married? We're getting married on October 16th. Okay. What made you pick that date exactly? Well, that's actually funny. We just, we're looking at venues and that one was open.

But it turns out that was the day that my parents got married, too. I mean, I never knew because they were divorced. So, but. Wow. That's a, I think that's a bad omen, but. I'm just a positive mentality guy. I'm going to make that date a good date. You know what I'm trying to say?

Tell us more about what you do when you're not doing comedy or serving tables. You seem like the kind of guy that has an extensive collection of seashells or something like that. I... Sometimes I blade. I like to disc golf.

When you say blade, you mean roller blade? Irene roller, correct. What type of places are you... What type of places are you rolling around on your feet at? Well, the other day I did it, I did it work out the YMCA. You rollerbladed. You rollerbladed at the YMCA?

No, I rollerbladed from YMCA to the creek in the cave afterward. Wow. So you have shoes that you use at the gym. So you rollerblade to the YMCA. You take your rollerblades off in the locker room or out front on the stairway? They stay in the trunk of my car. Oh. And then when I...

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We have a lot of questions here. So when I ask you, where are you rollerblade? You said the YMCA. So do you leave your car at the YMCA and rollerblade to the creek in the cave? Yes, sir.

And then you rollerbladed from the creek in the cave back to the YMCA. Well, when I got to the creek of the cave, I realized I can't fucking rollerblade. You can't rollerblade on stage, you mean? No, like at all. Like I used to rollerblade when I was a kid. and then I thought like it would just come back to me. And then I'm like in front of like rush hour traffic, I can't even stop. There's no breaks on rollerblower.

There's no blare. I didn't know that. There's technically the ways to break without a doubt. There is. That is true. So I asked you what you do for fun or what you're good at or something like that and you named something that you're literally not good. That I'm getting better at.

Oh, okay. Because I'm very optimistic, shockingly optimistic. Thank you. Thank you. you're fucking hot dude whoa look at this wedding's off everybody look at that

looks like I have a new membership at the Austin Country Club if you want it I will suck your dick dude wow okay that's enough got some domer in him for sure that's enough

if I come too fast I'm gonna think of Karen Jones and last a little bit longer all right Jake give me one more thing that you think out of your entire life makes you different

than other people. Something must have happened. Maybe a near-death. Maybe you saved somebody's life. Maybe something crazy, anything at all. Maybe you once got caught in a weather storm. Perhaps it was hail or sleet. Maybe something. I'm giving you a lot of time to think here about how you're not one of the most boring white people on planet Earth. You can literally say anything. So there was a guy earlier that masturbated for 14 hours once, in an attic on meth. That's impressive. Good luck. Well, yeah, I mean, so I was raised in Mansfield, Ohio. I moved here in 2020. I was arrested on my way down here.

Perfect. Let's talk about that. Yeah. You got arrested. I'm going to say at the top of Texas. And Rockwall. What? Rockwall.

Rockwall, Texas. Rockwall, Texas. Rockwell, Texas. They got you going 70 and a 60. They smelled marijuana in the vehicle. Am I correct? You're correct. And you had just over an ounce or under an ounce?

Because you came heavy. I had an eighth. Oh, very good. Red Band had that correct. Yeah. Well, we had. Who's we? It was me and my best friend.

Uh-huh. And we rolled, it's an 18-hour drive from Mansfield to Austin. We rolled a blunt per hour. Mansfield is the meeting place, correct, between Youngstead. town in Columbus, right? That's correct. Yep, I remember that well. It's a small prison town.

You know Shawshank Redemption? Yes. That's the old prison. My great-grandfather worked at that prison. He taught music there. Wow. Yeah. One of your mentors.

Snow trails. Yep. That's right. Okay. How long were you in jail for? About 16 hours. Perfect. Look at that.

Amazing. Welcome to being white. Miles. This is how good it could be. Can you imagine? 16 hours. Wait till Dedrick finds out. 16 hour.

Okay. Wow, that's your go-to. That's your go-to. That black impression. Do you have any black friends? Yeah. What do you think is the blackest thing about you before I let you go, Jake Stewart? Because I'm not seeing it.

Well, to me, I feel like, I don't know. I'm pretty good at basketball. Wow. You would not think I'm good of basketball. No way. Cap. Basket. Basket.

basketball's like sex because for a 5 foot 9 white guy I'm better than you think, you know? There's just one guy clapping old rock wall over there. Old rock wall. Well Jake, I'm just in a giving mood

at this point because I enjoyed this episode. You're getting a big joke book. There goes Jake Stewart, everybody. And that is the bucket pool portion of the show. Oh, Mr. Basketball didn't Catch the leather joke book. You dab me up wrong, too. Well...

You don't know black guys. If you ask me, there's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with one of the best joke writers and performers in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this regular has been super viral all week with one of the greatest Hitler jokes of all time. This guy's just doing it right. I mean, a freak of nature. Again, one of the hardest jobs in the industry of comedies.

being a regular on Kill Tony. This is a brand new minute from the real deal. This is Pat O'Neill, everybody. How is it that these gender reveal parties are all the rage nowadays? Yet whenever I reveal my gender to people at parties, uh, I'm a weirdo with an oddly shaped penis. That wasn't even invited in the first place.

Fucking make up your mind, people. Something else I'll never understand today is how some guys have threesomes together. I could never stay hard while there's another dude in the room. You know? Fucking my boyfriend. I don't get it. A little bit more about me. I love midget wrestling.

I always win. Speaking of wrestling, last weekend I told my retarded nephew, our Waymo driver, was John Sina. Believe me. Okay, that's it. Wow. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible. Thank you.

Thank you, folks. You are fantastic, Pat O'Neill. We got the boys up here. I know you guys are big Pat O'Neill fans. I fucking love Pat O'Neill. Me and Miles, we've been working the door here since it originally opened, and it's guys like Pat O'Neill that come in, sign up for this show, grow, and they make the scene so much stronger.

It's so good having you here, Pat. You're the fucking man. You've made this fuck so much better already. You're going to the top, brother. I love you, Pat. Fuck you there, I'm honest. Oh, my God. What's happening, Pat?

Yeah. Fucking crazy night. Holy shit. I'm glad to be on this show, too, because, like, at the end, I was on the golden ticket to, like, advance my comedy career and all that. But by the end, it really was to just not have to wait

with those fucking maniacs next door anymore. and I am just so happy. It's its own show, perhaps, the sign-ups, the people that are waiting over there. I've heard crazy stories. I've seen some fucking video here and there. Some fights, some this, some that. It's chaos over there.

It's nuts. A lot of people come and go. A lot of people get banned from there. Imagine that. Fuzzy, your band from Shakespeare's? I'll never go back. What happened? Nothing, nothing.

Oh, shit. No, no, I'm not banned. I'm not banned. Oh, okay. They love me at Shakespeare. Pat, can you recall anything specific that you've seen over there that, uh... I mean, there's people wrestling on the floor one night. I mean, there's always, there's at least two to three guys just using it for shelter on any given week with, like, the huge fucking backpacks and whatnot.

But, yeah. What are they wrestling about? I don't know. I think it was fuzzy and Drew over a girl. Ah, mister, I'm not going back there. Well, well, well. I'm fucking killing you, Drew at her. You think you're so fucking hot

because you got a metal plate on your head? Oh my God. Well, Pat, I mean, you're just the man. Anything else we need to cover this week? Not really. Follow me on Instagram if you want to or YouTube. Tell them all. comedy on everything. Pat O'Neill comedy.

If you're not following this man, you're a stupid idiot. A stupid idiot. And you don't want to be a stupid idiot. One more time for Pat O'Neill, huh? Thank you, both. Thank you, buddy. You can catch him at Madison Square Garden with us as we do Kill Tony for the third year in a row.

That's what we go to New York City for, is to do Madison Square Garden. And he'll also be with us November 13th and 14th at the Dolby Live Theater at the MGM in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's going to be chilly that time of the year in a lot of places. Why not escape to Vegas? Catch two kiltonies.

The band will be playing at City Winery in New York the night before our two MSG shows. That's August 6th at City Winery. So yeah, there you go. A lot of fun stuff happening. Look out for another big announcement as we always do New Year's Eve

here in Austin. How about one more time for the panel debut of Miles Johnson and Fuzzy. Kielgy. Am I saying that right? Kilgy? Sell it for these people.

K-H. I, actually, don't worry about. Just fuzzy comic on Instagram. Oh, it's fuzzy comic? Fuzzy comic on Instagram. Yeah. Follow these guys. That's Miles with a Y.

Miles with a Y. Miles, the black guy. I'm the black guy. I mean, I had so much fun with you guys. It's always a fun episode to me when I have fun. And that's all I fucking care about. This is the show that I love to do. you guys made it a lot of fun. I knew it was going to be, but wow, there's some magical

moments. One more time, congratulations to the first ever 68-year-old golden ticket winner, Uncle G. I love that he said, who do I contact after I gave it to him? That's wisdom right there, by the way. A lot of people fucking, you know, I mean, of course we take care of it, but in life, make sure if someone gives you the opportunity of a lifetime, make sure you get someone's phone number about it. There's a lesson in that, believe it or not. There's magic to that. Sometimes it fucking goes right through you.

You hang out with maybe the president of the United States. You forget to exchange numbers or something. It could happen to you. Red Band? Please check out the Sunsets Strip Comedy Club. Sunset Strip ATX.com. Secret Show everything. It's a great place.

A lot of people say, quote, Newsweek says, better than Shakespeare's. So if you're looking for a place that's not quite the mothership, but better than Shakespeare's. Go to the Sunsendez Strick Audio. No, the Thursday show is so much fun there. It's all your favorite people. Yeah.

To the audience, God bless you. And God bless the United States of America. 250 years old. That's a little baby. We love you. Good night, everybody. Everybody.