KILL TONY - KILL TONY #778 - JIMMY CARR

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

Jimmy Carr, Timmy No Brakes, Pat O'Neill, Dedrick Flynn, Martin Phillips, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Grooveline Horns, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 07/13/2026 This episode is brought to you by: Kikoff: Build credit fast and get your first month for just a dollar at https://getkikoff.com/killtonytoday. Thanks to Kikoff for sponsoring us! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad.com. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. From the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get it for Tony! It's glad! Man, make some fucking noise for them, huh? Raul Balejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, fucking Esteban Viejo. Nachos, Belgrade, Treas, Leches. How about a hand for the Great Matt? muleing on the electric guitar. John Dees on the Keys.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, I book this Mamma Jama. Normally two of the best comedians of the world. But every once in a while, we have a guest that is so fucking good. That's so great that we want to give it a little room to breathe. I present to you one of the greatest guests in the history of the show. A person who people say one of the best guests ever, guest of the year multiple times before we even started giving out that award. When we were on the come up, this guy was crushing for us.

He's also literally one of the best comedians of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, the one, the only, the great Jimmy Carr. Oh my God. The chokesmith. The man himself. Well, I can't believe your luck. I'm here. We are so happy to have you back every time, any time. You are the man.

Our chemistry is unbelievable. Some people say we're two of the four. funniest ventriloquist dolls on planet Earth. It would have been okay in music hall, wouldn't me? A thousand years ago, we would have fun. We've always had fun. Jimmy, you know how the show goes. Over 200

innocent souls signed up for this bucket tonight. Anything can happen. Sometimes lately we've had some real, real good veterans of the game. Some 20, 30, 40-year comedy vets have been signing up trying to make it finally in their lives. And they do. Here. They finally get the respect they've been looking

for. Sometimes it's a brand new mentally ill person that didn't practice or try at all, which people also love that too. Either way, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anguist Hollywood Bear, which interrupts their set, and then we conduct an interview. I love the phrase

brand new mentally ill. Oh, yeah. Like, they weren't mentally ill yesterday, but today it's gone too far. Oh, yeah, it happens fast. Oh, they snap fast. Some people go into Shakespeare's, the crazy bar next door, where we keep them all huddled together. And they're not even mentally ill when they go in there. And then after 20, 40 minutes around the other comedians, they have, for some reason, they've decided to do a deal where pictures of vodka soda are of an extremely low price. I can't imagine the gasoline-like vodka that they are putting in there.

I'm going to have Lindsey Graham's granddaughter pull the first name out of the bucket tonight. And while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we're going to get tonight's show started with a brand new set from one of our golden ticket winners, everybody. It's been a while since we've seen this young man, and he is indeed very young, one of the youngest ever golden ticket winners in the show's history, winning it at the age of 21. He's now 22. He's a musical prodigy getting us started tonight. He goes by the name, put your hands together, for Tony Scar, everybody. Here we go. Yay. Hey.

Attention. The internet thinks I'm gay. That's wrong, offensive, and untrue. So I hooked a lie detector to the lights on the stage because that's what a straight guy would do. I've never had anything up my ass. Except the finger. In a butt plug one time.

time in a gerbil twice. Everyone's tried that. Everyone on this stage has tried that. You wonder why these bucket pulls are so nervous. The gerbil's in the contract. I was behind this stage. Tony said, it's time for the gerbil. So I squatted and I prayed. And he put in a guinea pig. Anyways, I'm not gay. I'd never kiss a man if you don't count my priests. And a good childhood friend. I don't even look gay. Fine. I see a lesbian in the mirror.

And when I wipe that mirror off, that lady just gets queerer. I don't have any weird kinks. What the fuck does yellow me? Are you insinuating that I like pee? did I like P? Guy, this fucking dick. Gay people scare me.

I'm scared to women, and gay people are close enough. They freak me out every time because their hands are so soft, but their knees are so rough. Okay. I've been Tony Scar. Thank you guys. Tony Scar. Very fun, experimental little set tonight.

I, knowing the lighting guy, I can't believe how good that went. We've been doing the show with that lighting guy for six years. He doesn't have our cues memorized. You brought your own? Oh, brilliant. Sorry, Kino. That must really hurt for you right now. Jimmy Carr, what do you think about this young buck?

So you're saying you're not gay. I agree to disagree. I, yeah. I am a straight man. I am a straight man. I would disagree with both of those. Right. I think you would neither straight nor a man.

Okay. You are a gay boy. What would you... I'm not throwing any shade. Are you saying I'm your type, Jimmy? Yeah. Listen, I don't think you have to be gay to fuck someone

just stronger than him. That's true. Tony, you told me this, didn't you? It's not gay if the balls don't touch. Right. It's true. That's just good old fun. That's what that's called.

I think I've had an idea for the finale of the show. Yeah. We double team him. Oh, I love this idea. Anything to get to Hollywood, man. I'm in... I love it.

You're already in Hollywood. How's life been, Tony? Tell us about it. How's life changed lately? It's been really good, man. It's been really good. It's been horrible. Tony, it's gone terrible.

What's going on, Tony? I'm fighting with the fucking lie detector behind me. It's been good. Everything's been going good. It's hard to balance the comedy and the other aspects of life. And I'm having trouble finding, like, content to bring into the comedy. There you go.

Red band found his gerbil sound effect, everybody. Not a moment too soon. Interesting. But life is way better than it was a year ago. I've just encountered a lot of struggles I didn't expect to. But fucking everything's great, dude, can't complain. Tell us about that. How has your life changed since becoming a kill Tony Golden Ticka winner?

So now I get to do what I love, which is awesome. But I also have trouble dedicating time to anything other than comedy. Like, I'm a fucking psychopath. I do nothing but comedy. I can't see how this is a problem. I'm poor as fuck, Jimmy. I'm poor as fuck.

But that'll come later. That will come later. You're paying your dues now. Well, if you double-team me, it'll come a lot quicker. We're not going to pay you for that. That's just good old free fun right there. I love it, Tony. What else is going on? Tell us more.

Well, everything's going good. I live in a studio apartment right now. I live with my girlfriend because she doesn't have a car or a place. So she just kind of moved into my place. And that's how that went. Be crazy if she had a car and a place and because she's not real. Right. Right.

Like if you had to imagine a car and a house for her as well, that's a lot of imagining. But she's from Canada, right? She's not from Canada. Sure she is. Right. Made-up girlfriends are always from Canada. Where did you find this lovely homeless woman

that you move into your place. She's great. She's awesome. I found her on Hinge. You met on Hinge. Ah. I know. It's bad. We're six months in.

Like on and off, mostly off, and that's mostly me, and that's my bad. And yeah. Does she have a no job? She has a job, but she makes like 13 bucks an hour.

She doesn't have her GED yet. Oh, wow. Look at you. Okay, that sounds fucking bad. Hold on. Let's rewind on that. He's 20. I think.

No, She's 20. She's 20 years old. Uh-huh. She dropped out of high school and hasn't gotten her GED yet, so she just moved into my place and I'm kind of helping me. What do you think about this genius?

I think you've... It sounds like you've trafficked a lady to live with you, which is... If you had... Sorry, going back to the gay thing, I don't want to harp on, but if you had to describe her vagina,

would you say it's an outy? Quite a pointy vagina that sometimes comes on you. I would say ignorance is bliss. Jimmy, ignorance is bliss. I was waiting for a real answer to that question. I was hoping you were going to distract the vagina.

And that's a big thing for me. So, yeah. Does your balls touch? Bet you'd like to know, Red Band? Sure. I love it, Tony. Well, I got to say, I really love you. I think you're such a likable presence on state. I appreciate that. You got like, it's just effortless.

I love the kind of style of it. feels really kind of, and sometimes in musical comedy it can feel a little bit kind of predictable, like you kind of know where they're going to go, and it was just every line was a gag. It's fantastic. I loved it, man. I appreciate it. I love that you're experimenting, you know, bringing production into it at 22 years old.

Like, if you keep on this pace of trying different outside of the box things, the stuff you're going to be doing at 25, 27, 30 should be fucking nuts. Yeah, I've been trying to just keeping up with the writing like a minute a week. I try to write so that I can keep up. Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. You're doing it. Appreciate it. You're doing it. Tell your girlfriend to get her fucking GED, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

The fact that you're the breadwinner of a household that he does. It's nuts. It's the 22-year-old with an acoustic guitar. Just bringing home the bacon. I love it. Well, Tony, great start to the show. Way to get it started for us. I appreciate it.

One more thing. If you don't mind. No, go ahead. I am going on tour. Tickets are at scarcom. If y'all want to hit that up. There you go. There you guys very much. I love you all.

The Young Buck, Tony Star, everybody. He is a young man indeed. And this looks like an old name. I do believe this guy was a war general at one point for the Confederacy. Are we allowed to have him all? I don't know if we're allowed. I think his statues are coming down. Make some noise for what I believe is the Kiltzoni debut of Robert Lee, everybody.

Here's Robert Lee. See. So white, he's got to be racist. I quit drinking 14-5 months ago with my friends. It's at this age, it's ridiculous, man. They all start talking about Connor McGregor, and we talk about girls we was with, and then they start crying. My wife won't blow me. My, God damn.

You're sitting there, you'll blow job. Oh, there we go. That's good, Tony. And I tell him, I think about it. about it. You know, where was your wife when you were preparing for your colonoscopy? I'll tell you where mine was, 37 seconds after I said, this shit ain't working on me. She was cleaning shit off the bathroom skills. That's where my wife was. Well, it's hard to go down on a guy that he's done his laundry. You seem to prepare for his colonoscopy. When you're young,

like, oh, most all of you are. All your shits were it supposed to be. Nothing leaks. You're a truck driver. My asshole looks like it's ready to settle down. Wife does the laundry. God for that, cat. All right. Robert Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Or as I call him, Stone Cold Steve Awful.

Wow. What a way to bring it down, my friend. Absolutely incredible. You must be the father of Tony Scar's GED-Less girlfriend. You seem like graduating from high school would not be demand on your... No, no, I'm from Kentucky.

I got a CDL. No, we know. We know. We know you're from Kentucky, Robert. You didn't know. Absolutely. Really? You have a truck license. Am I correct?

A CDL? I'm forklift certified. I knew that. Somehow I knew that. Amazing. And where did you serve your time? I'm a Class D killer. No, man, I went one time.

I learned my lesson. What was the, what did you do the one time? Oh. Well, I, I, I, I had some meth. Oh, perfect. I did. I tried that one time for 10 years or something.

One time? For, yeah. You're the only person to ever try meth one time? For 10 years or so. Oh, for 10 years. Got it, yeah. Got it. But, hey, I woke up next to a gentleman.

He was about that. Welcome to my world. It might have been the same. He was firing off a turdness. He was shit, Jack. He was what? Put the mic up to your mouth. Firing off a turd into a steel shitjack.

Steel shitjack. Describe to us non-Kentucky people what a shitjack is, my friend. Some of us were not born and bred in the land of incest. Go ahead. If you have a way with language where you can conjure the phrase firing off a turd into a... What was it again? Stainless.

steel shit jack. A stainless steel shit jack. That is a kind of poetry that Mark Twain could only dream of. That's the set right there. Yep. That's a... Well, I mean, that was a turning point in my life. The Lord had my attention. I said, God,

what do you want me to do? He said, don't do meth. I was like, I don't you? Real quick, before I move on with the 75 questions that I have, I have. I have to know before we move on, what exactly is a shit jack? Have you ever been number three? Nope. What's the

number three? One, number two. What's where you piss shit and jack? Jack off. Number three. Jack off. Sorry, redneck, ma'am. Okay, I know. You just did his entire act right then. Hold on. So again, I'm going to ask again what, describe what the physical

substance of a steel shit jack is. What is that? Well, it's where all your roommates are in the same room. It sits in the middle of the floor, and when you shit, you're on display. It's a bedpan. No, no, it's a toilet. No, you drink out of the back of it.

Oh, got it. Don't do drugs. Got it. You're in prison. A shit jack is a toilet. Wow. You could have said that at any point. You let poor Jimmy Carr from London.

You don't know what I... I think I might be kind of like Dr. Doolittle for this guy. I can understand him. I know you all think someone just drew a face on a thumb, but I see him as a person. I can understand him. I love it. So, Robert Lee, how old are you?

I'm 50. 50. What made you... You just started stand-up, right? This is your first time or something? No, no, I did it a couple times before. Okay, just a couple times. You know, it's American Legion back in Kentucky where everybody knows me.

The American Legion? Yeah. They do shows at the American Legion in Kentucky? Sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All right.

What made you want to come to Austin, Texas and sign up for this show? Oh, well, I work at North Dakota in the oil field. Okay. That's one answer to a totally different question. Well, have you ever been to North Dakota? No. It's 50 fucking mullah.

It's cold. Oh, my God. I wanted to come down here and, like, come out here and not be nervous. That's bullshit. My legs wouldn't stop shaking walking over here. Hell yeah. God dang. It's okay.

It's okay. Soon you'll be as stable as a steel shit jack. Let's check on the Jimmy Carr here. Are you having an allergic reaction? Because you seem to have, you sort of, I don't know how to describe it, but I think you've been stung by something. And I think whatever it was was racist.

No, no. I love it. How many black friends do you have? Well, all of them. Okay, how many? Give me a ballpark here. One. One.

What's his name? Shout out to Rufus. His name is really Rufus? Name is really Rufus. I googled it and there's like Rufus Thomas and there's another Rufus. There's a Rufus Thomas, Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas band. Right, twice from. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had to Google it. I know that shit. Yeah. No, that's a thing. I know about that from the movie Kill Bill 2. Samuel L. Jackson plays a musician in a wedding chapel and he played with at one point the Rufus Thomas of the Rufus Thomas band. Now, damn, I tell Rufus about that. How did you meet Rufus?

I have to know how you and Rufus met. This sounds like a fucking CNN documentary. He was the only black guy in North Dakota, not North Dakota, but like in the whole place he hired this one black guy. And he was from Chicago, and his name was Rufus, so I had to go meet him. And he is cool as a fan. He's my buddy. That's what happens when you meet black people.

You were assigned to work with him. It wasn't a choice originally. That's kind of true. Yeah, that's kind of true. It's true. I got you there. What's your, what do you like to do for fun, Robert? You're 14 months off while you quit drinking with your friends, but you drink alone now, am I correct?

I don't drink much anymore. I've been on a life-changing journey for about a year and a half. Okay, tell us about this life-changing journey. I'm very excited about it. You ever heard of Trimbolling? Trumboli? No, no, trim bowling. That's stuff that made Crispin Wahangy's a little retarded kid.

Oh, my goodness. What I'm talking about? Say it one more time. Trimbolling. Yep. Nope. We don't know about that. There you go.

We don't know about that. Trimblown. We're as senseless as a shit jack over here. Just go ahead and tell us what that is exactly. Well, that is anabolic of steroid. And you're on it. Yeah, I didn't take it today, though, because I thought I'll be nervous. Yeah, you don't want to be nervous out here.

Makes you sweat and look like your thumb. Look at you. You're drier than a fucking wet wash cloth up here. Yeah, me? Yep. Soking wet. Yep. Good thing you didn't take your steroids today.

So what happens when you didn't take your steroids today. So what happens when you? you do take your steroids, Robert Lee. Well, it's like muscle mess, what I call it. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're not stripping copper. You're pumping iron. Look, you're out there. But if they're out there, you go see what the fuck they want. Yeah.

And the cops, yeah, yeah. I bet the cops love you. It's like, when you go out and talk to the cops, it's like that Spider-Man meme where they're all pointing at each other. Just out there looking for the other Rufus in the neighborhood. You know what I mean? We don't like them Rufuses. No, no. He's my boy.

No, I know. I'm joking. I'm making a joke. You have any kids or anything? You ever been married? I got four kids. Four kids? Oh, my goodness. How old's the youngest? 13. Okay. How old's the oldest? 31. Wow. Is the 31-year-old doing good?

Doing great, yeah. Okay. Everyone's happy? Everybody's happy. How about the 13-year-old? How, like, you... He's tearing up all my shit. Well, I bet. He's getting into your steroids while you're out playing comedian at night time. No, no. We've already had to talk about the steroids. We don't talk about what happens at home, you know?

Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, my God. Baby crying. You got a baby crying on there? You got it. There it is. There it is. Okay.

All right, Red Band. That's enough. It's out of control. Jimmy, what do you think about this guy? I feel like we're friends now. So, I mean, I just want to hear more. It's fascinating. What would you like to hear?

Do we know what you do for a living? What's your? your day job? Oh, I work in the oil field. I take the drill cuttings. It comes out of the hole and they put the frack fluid on it. The Democrats say it causes cancer, but I'm fine. And I haul it to goose goes. Did you say the Democrats say it causes cancer? Holy In California. You read that shit? It probably causes cancer, dude. I'm disaffodal. I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, if they're saying it causes cancer, And that means they knew about it like 20 years ago.

All right, so that's what you do. They do giger meter every load. Mm-hmm. To check for nuclear. Yeah. Yeah. Radiation. You can fuck with them with a nanopoehl, though.

You can't, you mean, what? You can, oh, a banana peel. You can fuck with them. You put it in there, and it pops off the little giger meter. Banana peel makes a geiger meter go off. Yeah. I do not know that. It does.

Jimmy. Sorry, I asked what you do. for a living. No clearer to an answer there. Oh, I drive a truck and I hauled drew cuttings. What they take out of the ground, I haul to the disposal. Oh, okay. He drives a truck. Yep. Yeah. Probably. If you're in a hurry, just say I drive a truck.

Oh, I don't have nowhere to be. I love it. You're a very, very interesting guy. I think you're a funny dude, you know? You got to put it together. You know, a whole minute on, you know, people don't really want a picture. you getting your prostate checked. You know what I mean? I didn't get a picture with.

That was my next question. I don't know how you knew that, but I wanted to see... I wanted to see what it looked like. But I like your style, man. Like I said, we have all different shapes and sizes of people signing up nowadays, and I like that.

You came up here. Here's a medium joke book, my friend. Robert Lee. Thank you. Get it in tonight's bucket started. Very long interview. Very interesting guy. Very fun and we're off and running.

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and who had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period. Late payments may negatively affect your credit score. Individual results may vary. All right, here we go. Speaking of lovely ladies, it's our first female comedian of the night. Make some noise for Lauren Baker, everybody.

Here we go. Oh, man. When I was waiting to sign up here, waiting in a pub, a man came up to me and tried to sign up on my comedy notebook. He was so certain that I was the list, that he's tried to sign up five minutes early. Like, I know I have clipboard energy, but that's a bit excessive.

Anyway, clipboard energy, I do have it, whether or not you can tell. Picture me in a psychiatric facility. This is a game I invented. So I would try to find a little spot that looked like a UFO or a UAP. Okay? Hop on it and go like this. This is a game I invented when I was balls deep in psychosis. Did I mention I was a patient?

Picture me in red scrubs, light blue grippy socks. This game was called Deadpool Pans Labyrinth. I know you're thinking. You see no Deadpool in it. I thought about Rosebud Baker. She's a comedian. One of her sisters died in a hot tub. I thought about her the whole time.

Okay. Lauren Baker has made her kill-tony debut. Welcome, Lauren. How are you? Oh, I am excellent. Welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? So the first time was when I was 19,

so 14 years if you go from that, but most of that has been off. Right. It seems like you were doing some things in between then and now. Okay, what do you do for work, Lauren? I help people accomplish things they've been putting off. What exactly do you mean?

I hold space for people to process feelings and also hold them accountable for productivity. I'm a coach. Okay. I'm loving these faces. Give it to me, buddy. I think... I don't want you to take this the wrong way,

but I think you should try stand up. I love that. I think... I like the energy, and there seems to be a lot of story here somewhere. Yeah. We need jokes. You know what? You had great ideas.

I don't know what was going on, but it wasn't jokes. You want to know what was going on? What was going on. Oh, my God. So I spent all day prepping one set. Okay? I'm here with my boyfriend, who's also a comic, and another friend. I spent like five hours prepping my one-minute set.

And then when we're here, my partner was like, are you going to do the Deadpool Pan's Labyrinth? You should do that. And I've done it one time so far. And I was like, fuck, he's got good intuition. Like, he could be right. And I wrote a new untested set. So a couple of things.

Firstly, leave him. He's bad for you. You could do so much better. What was the joke in the original set? Yeah. What would be the joke that you've done before that's worked? Yep. Tall men aren't more attractive.

They're just easier to find in a crowd. It's a risk management technique. You want me to do all of it? Because I'm going to take me a second to remember the whole minute I planned. If you don't have it memorized, then no, we won't make you do it. We're asking like... It's memorized somewhere. Just keep talking about.

How often do you do this? How often do you try stand-up? So for the past... I've really, like, gotten back into the past, like, seven months. Uh-huh. And would do, depending on the week, like, one to four. Okay. And you don't have, like, a minute that you like.

I do absolutely have a minute. I have so many minutes. Again, I just threw it out last minute. And then, Literally while I was waiting to be called, I was like, there are so many people here. There's no way I'm going to get called. I'll just put my notebook away, chill out.

But then when you did, and you had a little, like, a few minutes probably back there, right? You're like, okay, so here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about what happened during the sign-ups for, like, 20 seconds. And then I'm going to do an impression of what I did when I was at a mental hospital for the next 40 seconds. You know, I understand the opinion. I super appreciate the feedback. It's not even feedback. I'm just, I'm not, I'm not even giving you feedback.

I'm just saying what you did, what you did. Oh, you were absolutely giving me feedback and I'm, I'm, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm saying what you did. Feedback would be if I gave an opinion on what you did, which I, okay. Oh, I bet you're a lot of fun. The look on my face's feedback. Imagine what this boyfriend must be going through. Holy shit. No, I just said what you did.

That's not feedback. Keep her talking. Give him a chance to run. I hear you. Okay. Okay. You're sticking with it. So, all right, Lauren.

What do you do for a living? Other than you make money coaching people. You people have it so bad in this life that they're literally like, I'm going to Lauren Baker for help. Honestly, yeah. Would you believe it? You make good money doing that?

What do you charge people? Just out of curiosity. There might be somebody that needs to be... It would depend on the container. Container. It's a coaching term. This is getting nerdy fast. It's okay.

Can you explain it? Sure. So it would depend on the context, right? How long am I coaching you? Hourly? Are you doing a package? Let's say it's hourly. Let's say it's hourly.

I'm just curious. $150. $150 an hour. And about how many clients do you have right now? A dozen. Wow. That is absolutely fucking mind-boggling. I mean, I think.

I think I need to get my shit. I think I should do it. And how long have you been doing that, Lauren? A year and a half. Year and a half. And what made you get into that? What made you think? You know what?

I can do this. I can help people get their lives together. Proof of concept. That's a good question. John Dees, actually, who rarely ever says anything on the show, has a great question. What is your success rate?

Ooh. Ballpark. What do you give me information about what you want for that metric. Oh, my God. Are you a life coach? Are you a life coach? Yes, sir.

Okay, so your training is mental illness, and you're telling people what they need to do, and you don't know what your success rate is? I don't specifically handle mental illness, no, sir. That would require, like, different certifications. That's not what I say. Oh, D-Madness is jumping in.

Sorry, I would really appreciate to understand your question. I know. We're trying our best with you, You really? We really are. And this always works with everybody else. That should tell you something. We're really good at this.

We're really good at this. We have a 100% success rate here. Red band. Oh my God. Jimmy Carr. I just, I feel like you kind of nailed it with the clipboard energy. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. You feel like you're fighting the system here. You came out, you did admit it. It was pretty terrible. And we want to help. We want people to do well. I understand.

And we're trying to get some stories. of you, and there's a lot of resistance to that. A lot of resistance. But like that thing of like going, you could just tell us about yourself. So you were in a mental institution? Yeah. Why were you in there? I got diagnosed with schizophrenia last year.

That's a big thing to agree. Let me just jump in for a second. So a year and a half ago, you started life coaching, and last year, you got diagnosed with schizophrenia. Yeah. I think I'm figuring out why we don't have an exact success rate number. But Tony, schizophrenia, that means you can multitask. Right.

There's different things going on. Yeah. There's a lot of people in there. In that institution, was there, did there happen to be a stainless steel shit jack? John Dees is wondering if all of your clients are you. John Dees on the keys. I love that you're laughing up here while being resistant. and you seem like you have a great sense of humor.

I wish I had shown it to you. Sign up again. Sign up again. Write, prepare, and stick with your guts that you, before you sign up, like do what you're going to do. Come in with a plan and then we'll have a fun interview and we'll do it again next time. There you go.

There's a little medium joke book. Lauren Baker, ladies and gentlemen, we're cooking. We are cooking. What did I tell? I'll tell you. Sometimes it's an old person. Sometimes it's a young, brand new mentally ill person. I fucking nailed that shit from the top before putting my hand in a fucking bucket I was calling this shit. You never know what could happen next. Makes some noise for your next bucket pool. It's Greg Anderson, everybody. Here we go. All right, I am also a schizophrenic life coach. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Everybody, I am reconnecting with my mom on social media. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I super liked her and she unmatched with me. So that's, yeah, yeah. A little rough. Tinder joke for you. Thank you. Yeah, you've never been on Tinder in your life. Okay. Martin Scorsese is making a story about me and my friend's life in Austin, Texas, and it's called The Deported, so that's very exciting.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I've been dating a lot of tall girls these days, but I don't like all the stubble. Yeah, that's a little rough. Thank you. Thank you. You guys are a great crowd.

Let's give it up for you guys. Fuck yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. All right. All right. I went to a beach with my sister, tropical vacation,

and she got stung by jellyfish on her arms, torso, and legs. And so I pissed in her mouth and let her figure it out. So... Thank you, thank you. Funny guy, Greg Anderson. Welcome, Greg.

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, Greg. How long you've been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for about 12 years, and I started in Vietnam. Wow. I know. Tell us about that.

How do you start there? I was spit out the ugly bottom of the poetry community. No, I stopped doing poetry, which is a good call. And I started doing stand-up in Vietnam. And then I did that for seven years. And then I went to Bangkok and did it for a couple years in Bangkok. Yeah. But anyways, let me tell you. Okay.

Go right ahead, Greg. Go right ahead. I've got some crazy drugs. I like talking about Salvia. Okay, some fans. Normal people, you don't know what that is. You're a good person. And then I married a co-worker. This is an old, old story. I married a coworker, a Russian girl, and we got married for her citizenship. Good story. Yeah, yeah. That was a long time ago, though. Okay. So up to you.

Where was your, where were you working at the time where you met this? Working in a bar. We were struck in oysters in Toronto. Nice. But one more thing, Tony. Okay. You're kind of trying to. I'm excited.

I'm jacked up. Very good. You go ahead with the one more thing and I'll decide where we go from there. Exactly. Go ahead. I'm lobbing the ball to you. Let me, and I'll just try to keep you short. Thank you, my friend.

You don't even have to say that. You could just say the thing. You're right. I have a killer closer that I love. Okay. usually works in front of a more rag-tag audience than this, but it's, I yell to the crowd, I say, Who wants to see me get punched in the stomach by a hot girl from the crowd?

And they go nuts, you know, but maybe that's not appropriate. I don't, it probably takes... We're not going to do that. We're not going to do that. No. Good, good, good call. Your thing. Let's go back.

Wait to set us up for a nice lawsuit, though. I like your style. You're trying to make it all in one appearance here. True. I love it. Congratulations. So I'm decided. to go back to how did you end up in Vietnam in the first place?

Money. I was in Vancouver and you ever get that feeling in cities where it's like, I don't think the city wants me to live here anymore. Yeah. And so I moved to Vancouver. First I moved to Taiwan. And then that was okay, teaching English. I have an English degree. Nice. And then I went to Vietnam. And Vietnam was pretty fucking good. That's what I've heard. Tell us about it. Be a tour guide for Vietnam.

If we were in Vietnam, if I was in Vietnam right now, I would have a piece of motorbike and I'd ride that fucking thing wherever the fuck I wanted to. Okay? So fucking fun. If you go to Vietnam, don't ride a motor. Oh, thank you. Keep going. If you're going to Vietnam, don't ride a motorbike in Hanoi.

Don't ride a motorbike in Ho Chi Minh. But get on a bike outside of town and it's like you're in on the fucking road, dude. It's amazing. Okay. So then from Vietnam, you go to Bangkok. Yeah, Bangkok was great. What made you go to Bangkok? I was temporarily banned from flying into Vietnam.

Perfect. Okay, dokey. That was a surprise for everybody. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever get the feeling that a country doesn't want you there anymore? Yes. Good gift. How did you get banned?

I've had that feeling a few times. Why did you get banned from flying into Vietnam? COVID. I spent my entire COVID in Vietnam. And so I had the Cadillac of Visas, which is a TRC, which is a two-year temporary residency card. And so you're only supposed to, you get that card. You're only supposed to work for one place that gets you that card.

I was like, I'm not going to give this card back, and I'm going to work for whoever the fuck I want. Right. But it was COVID. Sometimes I couldn't fly out. So they did not like that. I paid a $740 fine to immigration. And I thought I was still going to get back in the country, because I'm an idiot.

And so I flew into Bangkok, and then they were like... Right. During COVID, you're like, how do I get closer to Wuhan? Exactly. Exactly. Let's get to the source. Yeah. So then you're in Bangkok. And then what do you do in Bangkok?

So I'm trapped in Bangkok. And I'm trapped in Bangkok. I'm doing a whole bunch of stand-up. A bunch of my buddies are there. Great stand-up scene. And you did a show in stand-up. All my buddies went, I think. And so...

He does travel the world. Yes. Yeah. Lobbing the ball to you. Anyway, no, sorry. And then so I... Did I finish any stories in the show? I'm trying.

I'm fucking trying. So I started doing a bunch of stand-up, and then I picked up another English teaching job. I just signed a year contract. I do another year teaching in Bangkok. Okay. Where do you live right now? Right now I live here.

I came here from Vancouver to stay-up. Austin, Texas. How long ago did you move to Austin, Texas? Two and a half months, two months. And what have you learned about Austin, Texas? You've been all around the world. Freaking the fucking cave. Sorry.

What stands out to you about Austin, Texas? Don't give shout-outs to places. to get more spots right now. We're focusing on the entire city. Different kind of friendliness. Canadians have a friendly reputation. Texans have a very friendly reputation. Slightly different.

You know, I think the friendliness in Canada is a little passive-aggressive or like a little standoff. I agree, and I actually love this answer. I feel like it's something that we don't talk about often enough here is the friendliness of Texas. Definitely. They say Southern hospitality, right? They say it.

And welcoming. They say welcoming. And so, but the friendliness in Texas is fucking up front. We're doing this. I'm being friendly. Let's fucking go. You know what I? It really is.

You are spot on. I do love that. I don't even know if that's ever really been in knowledge. Somehow we always graze over that on this show. But people are very friendly here. Jimmy Carter. I think it's because we know they could be armed. The guns.

Yeah. That's true. It's really what are Canadians that unarmed Americans is what? Right. Yeah. You don't need to be as friendly up there. What are they going to do? Throw a fucking Tim Horton's donut at you.

Right, exactly. And then we have a... Canada has a Texas, too. You know, we have... Calgary. Calgary. It's just fucking oil, cows, cowboy hats. No guns, though.

No guns. Yeah, we have hunting guns. True, true. We don't have street guns. We have, like, oh, I'm a moose hunter guns. Right. But every once in a while, you still have your mass shooters up there.

We try. Yeah. Absolutely. So how do you do you... make money now, Greg, now that you're in Austin, Texas, because everybody knows how to speak English here? My dad died. Ooh. Pyrr.

How did dad die? I think it hit by a moose gun. Hit by a moose gun. Fucking nailed it. Sorry. Don't do that. Don't do that. Over here.

Over here. How did dad die? Dad died. He got old and he had a disease that they didn't know. He had, he had like a genetic disease. And that's in Canada, right? Canada. Did they give him the...

Oh, they kill him? Did they give him the suicide? They did not kill him. They loved doing that there, Jimmy Carter. So sorry, I don't know if you've had time to process this loss, but he died of a genetic disease and you realize he was your father. I know. I know. Yeah, I got the call, and I haven't followed up about that.

Yeah, yeah. 50-50 chance right here. I think I'm sick. I think I'm ill. Perfect. Great. Let me ask you this. Out of all the women that you hooked up with in Vietnam, Bangkok,

anything like that, any of them lady boys? No. One hilarious thing about lady boys in the comedy scene was we would have comedians come through there from like fucking Hong Kong and shit like that. And that some of the dudes would be like, hey, isn't it funny how you can sleep with a lady boy and not be gay?

And all the other comedians would be like, no, he's fucking gay. Yeah, yeah, you know. That's it. That's... Okay. Yeah, that's it. No, there was... We covered that earlier here.

Yeah, okay. Okay, Greg. No kids, no girlfriend. No kids, no girlfriend right now. How have you avoided that? No kids? Yeah. One near miss, you know, one big A.

One... Yeah. Where was that at? That was in Thunder Bay, Ontario. Ooh, Thunder Bay. Very specific. Yeah. There's a casino there.

I always remember that. It's a terrible name for her vagina. Thunder Bay. There it is. And you guys took care of that. You got a Canadian abortion. She took care of it. Thank God.

She was very cool about it. And yeah, yeah. And, you know, I wasn't. Thank God. You know, like, and she was very cool about it. And I'm not going to say your name right now. Perfect. Yes.

Don't do that. No need for the shout-outs here. True, true. All right, Greg. Believe it or not, I really like your style, Greg. I got a big Bucky's joke book here. Proper jokes. Yeah, he did.

You had jokes. You made us laugh. There's a Big Bucky's sponsor Jokes book. Thank you. Greg Anderson, everybody. We're having fun here. I'm loving this episode so far. We're flying through it.

We have the great fucking Jimmy Carr here. He's got a new book that you can pre-order right now. It comes out in October officially, but you can pre-order it on Amazon. It's called On Jokes. And let me tell you, I don't know if you've seen it. You probably have. He's a global superstar,

but this is truly one of the best joke writers in the world. And he wrote a book about how. how to write jokes. So for all of you listening out there, this is the fucking man. Pre-order the book. Do it. All right. Thanks. Yeah. Your next bucket pool. This looks like another new name. Makes some nice for

Michael Head, everybody. Michael Head. Thanks, guys. When I was in high school, I actually got bullied by a retarded kid. I don't know what type like where he was on the spectrum, but his special needs were to just tackle me for no reason.

Like, I'm standing on the sidelines still getting blindsided helmet to helmet by retard strength. I was scared I'd get enough concussions to become like him. That's how it spreads. But I couldn't get him back, right? Because he doesn't know any better. So I got the other teams to bully him back

because they didn't know he was retarded. I told him he was a five-star prospect. Just wait till they put 99 in, bitch. He's a killer. He just signed with the Texas Longhorns. They don't play him to the fourth so he won't get hurt. That way, when he finally got in the game, they tried to hurt him. And you guys know, it's not whether you win or lose.

It's how you play the game, right? Thanks a bunch, man. That's all I got. Thanks. Oh, yeah, 55 seconds from Michael Head. Sounds like a true story to me. Yeah, it is. Welcome, Michael.

How long you've been doing stand-up? It'll be 15 years in November. Nice. Where at? Where were these 15 years? I started in Tallahassee, mostly in Florida, a couple years in L.A. Okay, cool. You're in L.A. now?

No, no. How long ago did you move here? About six months ago. Okay. How do you like Austin? I like it a lot, man. I like just grinding out mics. That's really why I came here.

You're having fun. You have a day job? I do. Yeah, I'm a dispatcher for like a AAA provider. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. How long have you been on the Red Band Diet? Look at you, boy. I grew up in Florida, dude.

I got postpartum diabetes. I love it. I love it, Michael. I love it. Did you ever look to see what the retarded bully is now up to in life? You ever do that? It's weird. I feel like he was like 23 for some reason playing football with high schoolers.

Hopefully he's dead now. Oh, my goodness. What can I say? Oh, my goodness. Luckily, if he watches this, he'll have no idea what you just said. Amazing. So 15 years, most of it in Florida. Now you're here in Austin.

You're dispatching for AAA type of things. What do you do for fun? like a guy that has a lot of collectibles, a lot of hobbies. Actually, I used to be big in a toys. I'm actually like a writer all the time. I'm a screenwriter. Okay. And I actually did a semester in London where I, you know,

got to see Jimmy Carr on Ed out of tin cats and all that stuff. Nice. Huge fan of you, sir. Oh, well, that's very nice you to say. Thank you very much. Hell yeah. Jimmy Carr, meet Jimmy Truck. The big old boy.

Michael, have you been, like, dating at all? Are you into that? I'm trying, not since I moved. here. I had a little thing back home before I moved here. Have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas yet? No, no. Really? Well, let me tell you something about this crazy show. We have

we have a, turn on the red lights, keynote. We have a history on this show of giving a guy his first kiss ever in Austin, Texas. I'm sure. In Austin, not ever. We have the best, we have the best fan base in the world. They all are the coolest chicks. It

has to be their idea. A lot of friends over here trying to get their friend raped. I've got serious dry mouth too. Oh, disgusting. Michael. Yeah, it'd be bad. Michael, take a,

crack a can of this water real quick. Take that. Is there a girl out there in the crowd that fucking wants to stand up and be a hero on this episode of Kill Tony? It'll only be seen by millions of people. Or a retic-a-boy. She literally doesn't want to.

Guys, stop pointing to your friend. I'll be honest. I could take it or leave it. No pressure. Anybody else? Anybody? Really? Nobody?

Oh, okay. Come on over. Here, send her, give her the shortcut, guys. We have a hero, ladies and gentlemen. Look at this awesome chick. Making dreams come true. This is his first Austin kiss. Wow.

Oh, my God, you guys. Look at him. Look how happy he is. Jimmy, what do you think about that? You know what you did? You just stole your bullies make a wish. Yes, you did. That is incredible.

Oh, man, yeah, that was good. Thanks. Whoa. Come on. What's your name, sweetheart? Megan. Megan, find me after. What kind of Asian? What kind of Asian are you, Megan?

Vietnamese, look at that. Amazing. That'll work, yeah. That's one of the greatest acts of war that Vietnamese have ever done in American soil. Talk about a booby trap. right?

Hello. I love it. I'm pretty sure you blew your head off before you even went to Vietnam in full metal jacket. Yeah. Oh, my God. That is amazing.

Michael, any other fun facts about Michael that we should know about and you have any special skills or talents or anything? I don't know. What kind of toys did you collect before? You said you collected toys. Dude, like Batman the Animated Series

stuff, like all the classic action figures that I destroyed when I was a kid. So I'd buy them and then try to e-bam off. I love it. Oh, it's the worst. How about now? You got nothing now? Now, mostly sports gambling.

Oh, okay. Did you gamble on the UFC this past weekend at all? No, not in USC. I lost vast sums of money, betting on Connor McGregor. Fast sums of money, ladies and gentlemen. Because if he would have gotten a knockout in the first two rounds, I would have won vaster sums of money. It was fine. It was only a few hundred bucks, but I could have won a lot, believe it or not.

What do you gamble on, Michael? You seem like a... WMBA? Oh, wow. Look at that. We found the fan. We did it. I don't watch the games. I just bet them to go under in the points, and it works. Are you serious? That is hilarious. That is...

Not very good. That is hilarious. Do you do that as a joke? Yeah. I'm going to start like a whole subreddit about this. I need to be making money on my tips. That needs to be part of your stand-up. That's hilarious.

Just take the under. That is incredible. Pre-partum diabetes is in the set, right? You should have opened with that. That's a great line. My buddy gave me that tag. He'll be shocked. That's great.

That's fantastic. I mean, absolutely incredible. Well, Michael, very fun, very fun set. Here's a big joke book. Welcome. There he goes. It's the Kiltzoni debut of Michael Head, ladies and gentlemen. All right, you know what?

We're going to get one of our great regulars out here. We love this guy. He does a brand new minute plus every week. Not easy to do at all. One of the hardest things to do in the entire industry. Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching him grow and explode in front of your very eyes. This. is the Black Shogun, the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas.

Dendrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Can I open up to you? Do you think, like, you know when you first meet, like, your friend's kids, like, they just drop a new baby, and then when you go meet the baby, when you touch the baby, the baby start crying. It's because the baby remember all the nut punches you gave his father. You know, like a revenge punch, like they hit you in the ball,

so you hit that nigga. You're like, your kids, go feel it, but now you get to see it. Now you get to see it. I've been trying, now I get to punch my nephews now. They're like 15 years old and they get disrespectful. One of my nephews, walked in the house, all the

rest of them was Uncle Daddy, Uncle Daddy. He looked at me, he was like, what's up, Dedrick? Like, I know that nigga. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not friends with you. So I punched that nigga in his chest, right? And then he said, why did you punch me? So I hit him again because I hate stupid questions.

Right? I hate stupid and I hate these little bad kids, so I had to get stronger now, because now that nigga taller to me. And so I've been eating Trail Mix, so I can get old man shrimp. Oh, yeah, I love Trail Mix. Trail Mix, you can eat 20 things at one time, right?

It's like a dry smoothie, right? It's a dry smoothie. And actually, if you drink a smoothie and eat trail mix, you can have 72 flavors in your mouth at one time. And Trail Mix is popping. It wasn't popping back in the day. because them niggas didn't know M&Ms have to be in there, right?

Like, don't bring me... Because if the M&Ms ain't in there, it's just shit from outside. Right, that's all it is. That's my time I love, y'all. One minute, 39 seconds. Always working harder than he has to. Try smoothie.

Hilarious. So funny. And the M&Ms, I mean, you covered it, dude. That's fucking... That is what trail mix is doing out there. I'm thinking about bringing out my own line of trail mix, but I'm gonna make it like Delta A trail mix. Yeah, since I'm having a whole lot Delta A trail mix

is Delta A beef jerky coming out in September. I'm waiting for Red Band to write the check. Hell yeah. Absolutely. I mean, let's face it, the more good shit that's in trail mix, the better it is. There's some that have the little peanut butter bites.

Some with M&Ms. In all reality, in some world, there is a trail mix that just has the bonus stuff in it. You know what I mean? The raisins, the M&Ms, the peanut butter bite. You said the raisins is a bonus? That's the whitest shit you've ever said to me. Oh.

That's white. I forgot you was white until you said that. I knew you was Italian, but now I know you all so white. Oh. Like, what? Black people don't eat their own kind? No. No, that's amazing.

You know, raisins are grapes, right? Yeah, I see what you're doing. That's hilarious. That's hilarious white dad. I love you so much. No, raisins is nasty. Y'all be putting that shit in stuff that nobody has. Oh, you're talking about our potato salad right now.

You knew I was going to get here. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, we don't fuck with the raisers unless there's M&Ms next to them. Right. Then I won't notice the raisins in there. I'm with you. There's nothing more disappointing than a raisin when you thought it was going to be a chocolate chip. That's fucking.

That is true. That is true. If you're thinking it's a chocolate chip and it's a raisin, that's a little bit tough. I'm going to go with my senior raisin correspondent here, Brian Red Bank. You know what, Tony? I agree with you the raisins.

It's nice to have a little sweetness to it. And I like cranberries also. Ooh, cranberries. You like cranberries is good. Because they got like a different bag. When you go through the airport, they got like all the different kind of trail mix as you can get.

Sometimes I try to mix them together. Or I'm like ass. I've been putting, they got these cinnamon pecans and these honey roasted cats. Pecan. Pecan. Oh, my goodness. You know what I'm talking about?

Sounds like something you find on Arkelley's floor. Peacons. Oh my goodness, gracious. I feel like I fell into a subreddit. Yeah. We are talking trail mix right now. It's another rare treat here on the show. I don't think we have trail mix where I'm from.

I don't really... That's why y'all lost the war. Why y'all lost the war? I lost some more. Too soon. Too soon. They just have aluminum cans of herring or whatever it is. Some fish in gel. Coiled chicken and shit.

Beans and toast. Yeah. I love y'all. London is one of the few places Dedrick is still allowed to fly into. Trying to keep things square. I'm gonna get locked up over there too. I just want to see, I want to tour the jails too while I'm out there

because some people just overlook the jails when they travel and it's like, right, you gotta go in there and meet the real people. That's right. So you could get to real secrets, right? I wouldn't have known when I was in jail of Japan, they got they McDonald's, like, they have to use like real ingredients and at night they got a thing called

it's called a Big Mac and it's like two double cheeseburgers like put together like and then they give like 10 nuggets and it's only $3.15. That's what my niggas in the yakuza told me before I left. Whoa. Jimmy, Jimmy, could you doctor

do a little laugh? Catch me up with the prison in Japan. Oh, so I was being a really cool dude. I was being really cool, too. I was doing some shows out in Florida. Somebody left their drugs in my bag and then Japanese

people love finding drugs. So they found it and then they was like, you just stay here for like 23 days. Yeah, in a cell. Yeah, in a cell, like, sleeping on the floor. And then, they said, do you want us to contact somebody? I said, call Joe Rogan. You know what I'm saying?

I said, call Joe Rogan, tell Tony where I'm. So they came out, Joe Rogan came out there and got me up out of there. Was it like a jail break or they paid the bomb? No, it wasn't a jail break. Because I didn't want to break out because they don't give, like, bail out to, like, Americans because they'll say, like, they think you're going to flee. But I was like, but y'all have my phone, so I can't, like, how I'm gonna get back? Like, you know what I mean?

How am I going to book a flight? Like, you know what I'm saying? They was like, oh, well, you could jump on the ship. I said, Nick, I'm not living on the ship for three months. Right. I can't swim. So I just stayed in the jail and shit. I'm with you on the phone thing.

Come on, man. I sometimes think if I lost my phone, I'm kind of effectively homeless. Yeah, you're technically, once they took the phone, that felt more like jail. Than jail? Because I kept getting, like, ghost vibrations, like, when I was inside to jail. Like, I kept being, like, somebody calling me. But they don't give you pockets in jail, so I was, I was like, oh, yes, it can't be in my pocket. Amazing.

So, 23 days in a Japanese jail? Yeah. And have you kept in touch with anyone? Yeah, two of the guys, two the guys, I taught them how to get bail and stuff like that. We taught them how to, like, write letters to the judge. I used to do that when I was a delinquent, when I was a kid. I used to go to jail before. You were a delinquent?

And then I stopped. And then I went back again. I just wanted to see what Japan... Really, I wanted the Sensei. Honestly, I just wanted... I wanted the Sensei, and I wanted to get stronger. You know what I said? So I thought, okay, let's just go to jail.

Same. Amazing. I love watching. I love watching the British communicate with pure Atlanta just ghetto thuggery. I love it. I mean, that is literally... That's what it's like when they make me.

Neapolitan and the vanilla touches the chocolate sometimes and they're like we're not the same at all we are not the same at all amazing well Dedrick I mean you're just a stone cold assassin

we fucking love you you did it again one of the top young rising comedians in the world ladies and gentlemen Bedrick Flynn and we go on and on young man is an absolute fucking

rising star as well one of the elite door guys here at the comedy mothership make some noise this is a brand new minute from Jay Legend everybody we know Jay we love Jay very funny man I know I'm black before I say this

I don't think racism should end I think we should just quarantine them all in one place so they could be around like-minded people think that one place should be in Antarctica because it's hard to say nigger and be cold. You'd be out there like ninn-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- there. There, man, you good.

So a lot of white people here that make me comfortable. Something I like to do to make y'all comfortable is I like to give y'all black words y'all can use it in public. They're not going to sound like black words and use them in a sentence, so be patient. All right? The black words are cologne, discreet, and innuendo. These are three of the black words. I use them all the time, but I know they don't sound like it. So I use them in a sentence.

You want to be my white spokesperson for tonight? You enjoying yourself? All right, good. All right, the black words, I told you, cologne, discreet, in you window. All right, I'm not getting paid for this, okay? So do you think you cologne me some money? I'm not playing, because I've been out here in discreet's.

And if you say no, I'm gonna follow you home and climb in your window. Yeah, that's my time. Brilliant dismount by Jay Legend. He's done it again, folks. The legend of bags and bosses. Let's go, let's go. As he has, you've merged it.

You have branding now. Look at you. I fucked up last time. Wow. Brilliant maneuver. Jimmy, amazing set, right? Fantastic. Fantastic wordplay, great writing.

I loved it, man. I love the swagger as well. Me too. I have. Usually I don't like a nigga in a three piece, but you do that shit. With the pinstrikes. The gloves don't fit. You must have quit.

Jay Legend, how's it been going? Good, man. I've been trying to get my life correct. I'd almost died a couple months back. Tell the people about that. We know about that. Yeah, well, I almost died. I fucking been smoking too much of weed and my lungs tried to give up on me.

And I went to the hospital. They had me in there. They was going to hook me up to some tubes. but that's what saved my life because the doctor was like we want to shove this tube in your throat I was like y'all ain't something shit in my throat y'all can't get that shit right now

I'm not going to be gay in front of my child here hell yeah your kid was with you at the hospital yeah his mom and them brought him out because they thought I was going to die so they was all in there scared wow

your lungs yeah like I smoked I'm an as medic so they already weak as fuck and then I don't stop smoking I blame it on everything else So I was smoking and then my lungs was like, nigga, you need to stop. And I almost, I wasn't breathing for like an hour

like 30 minutes, 45 minutes. And then I was in the hospital. You wasn't breathing? I wasn't breathing, dog. Oh, my God. I ain't gonna believe I wasn't breathing, nigga. Damn. Oh, my God.

So what color do you people turn when you don't breathe for an hour? Because we turn blue. I don't know. Oh, here's our senior color correspondent. Tell us what that was... Yeah, go ahead, Jimmy. You just say you people and he just arrived. Okay.

Oh, we have this thing down to his system. Oh, he's got sunglasses on it. Yeah, I just want to look like my dad, Rick. I love it. My dad, D. Maness. He never seen me before. C-Madness. Jay Legend.

So, Jay, do you know your real dad? Yeah, I know him. Oh, okay. What's he up to? You tell me. When's the last time you talked to him? I called him two days ago. What happened?

I hear your answer? Phone disconnected or voicemail? Now, actually what happened was he said, he picked up. He was like, I'm going to call you back, and it's been two weeks, so. Wow. Damn. It's cool. We got a good relationship.

We'd be smoking. That's my friend more than my dad. Oh, okay. So we'd be chilling smoking. You're still smoking now, despite the, Remember the knee going. I'm not a quitter, Nick. What do you want me to quit?

We got to find you a new drug. All the other shit's bad. What do you do? Well, I mean. Snick and trying to do coke or crack or something. Have you thought of edibles, though? Or, you know. Red band, everybody can't do edibles.

Yeah. Yeah. Red band's like, have you tried eating your troubles away? My bad. Now, Jimmy, you... More edibles, does he mean sandwiches? Yes. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. Now, Jimmy, you cold plunge and sauna, right? Yeah. Ultimate White People drugs. Yes. The old WPD. Cold plunge and sauna? You ever cold plunge before?

Yeah. How was that? Dumb as fuck. You didn't like it? Tell us about your cold plunge experience. I don't go. By the way, that might be. I think I just came up with the...

What would be the most watch. show in internet history, black people cold plunging, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, I think I just have to absolutely start this show. John Dees, would you do it?

Hell not. Yeah. Okay. All right. You cold plunging and be like, nah, ninnah, nigger. No, I wouldn't, you would be in there.

I would just say it. Yeah, I wouldn't stutter at all. I'd be nice and warm. I'd be right out for you. Chessbaum. I love it. So Jay, how old's your kid? I got two, a four-year-old son.

He autistic and a one-year-old, regular daughter. Okay, regular daughter. Yeah. Regular daughter. You know what signs the check for after that first time. You're like, all right. What's autistic about the four-year-old? How do you know he's autistic?

Well, he's speech delayed, and he'd be stemming a lot. Stemming is like when they, like, like, you ever got shocked by, like, a fucking tape, and they do that, their body just, the electric, the electric don't make it to their whole body so they fucking just stiff up

okay you're never seen a stemmy just like they like get yeah they'd be like watching word party yeah I'm like all right now come the fuck down

so I send you with your mom you all right yeah this is real life Jimmy these are the streets of Boston Texas right now discreet discreet

The streets. Hell yeah. They will climb innuendo. So, Jay, what else is going on? Anything else crazy before we get you out of here? I got this song on Spotify. If anybody ever watched the episode where I did bags and boxes, that shit on Spotify.

It's on Spotify? You're trying to get me out of here quick. I'm on the clock. I'm trying to stay up here longer. This is a full interview. You did it. It just flew by. It gets a little bit easier every time.

It does. It does. But yeah, I ain't got nothing else. Follow me at Jay Legend Comedy on all social media platforms. As is net, come watch me unlock your phones after this. I do that shit. Yep. He is working here.

He does work here. What the fastest ones. Watch when you get down there. He's like, damn. Red band. Yeah, we love to have you on the Secret show Thursday. Secret show. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

On to the next one we go. We're having fun here. We always have fun. One more time for the great Jimmy Carr hanging out with us. This guy gets it. A man of the great theater. and venues and also of the motherfucking streets.

He gets it. Makes noise for your next bucket pool. Jules Villalobo everybody. Jules. Via Lobo. Hey guys, how's everybody doing? Right on. Yeah, so I live in Denver right now. We're dealing with wildfires. Sucks because you can barely

see the beautiful mountains. It reminds me of a time I used to manage a strip club. I actually had a stripper name wildfire who could barely see. Yeah, we had to pick up her tips from the stage after she would dance.

It sucked because one time she was giving a lap dance and the guy was sitting in his chair and he moved to the side. She didn't realize it or recognized it. She couldn't see shit. So she just ate it. She just straight up

ate it. It was a thing. I'm going to end it with this, what did one stoned mushroom with chips say to another stoned mushroom? Shit, tachies? Wow, Jules, the Lobo everybody. Jules, welcome, welcome, Jules.

How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Tony, this is my first time. Wow, what made you wanna start today? Tony, I'm a big fan of the show and I know you say all the time, Why am I not sitting over there? Man, I... Hold on, wait, wait, wait.

What do I say all the time? You always say, if you're a big fan of the show, why aren't you sitting in the chairs as opposed to performing? Oh, to people that don't prepare and sign up and bomb for a minute. Right, right. Go ahead. Okay, so now what's your point? What were you going to say?

Big fan, Tony. Right, band, big fan. All right. You're being weird. Relax. So do you stand up a thing that you even want to do, or should I just get you out of here and get a name out of the bucket? I DJ, so I really just want to come up here, express how much I love the show, make a couple people chuckle, and let them know that what I have going on.

You did some of that. Jimmy? Yeah, just relax. Breathe in through the nose, out with the hopes and dreams. Yeah. Yeah, Jules, if you just came up here to tell us big fan and that you like us, thank you so much. We're going to keep it moving along now. Thank you, Tony.

There he goes. Jules via Lobo, everybody. You know, Every once in a while, you try with these people. Lovey said, yeah. Well, I mean, they know. I do say don't sign up if you're not prepared and don't take it seriously.

Let's take a moment to thank the people out there that have not prepared a minute and didn't sign up. Thank you. That's a good point. A hand for you guys for not signing up while not preparing. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this young man does stand-up comedy.

Funny guys, been on this show before. I recognize the name. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute for Andrew Packer, everybody. America. So happy to be back, man. This is great. America's been rubbing off on me quite a bit.

I went to Texas here seven times this past year, man. And, yeah, the last trip I went to a gun range and I shot guns for the first time in my life. That is the Austin response to that, I guess. I was talking about this in Dallas, and the whole crowd just instantly explosive applause. Just, like, massive. Like, they started a USA chant. The USA, USA, USA.

I closed on it. I couldn't follow it. I did 12 seconds on the show that night. And dudes came up to me after. They were like, bro, what's your Instagram? I was like, the way you were said, like, I shot guns. And we went USA. I was so nuanced.

Crazy, man. And life's so exciting right now, man. My wife and I were talking about having kids, and we're talking about it alive because she's pregnant. Really dominating the conversation. I don't want the bear. What's up? Andrew Packer. Hello. Welcome. You did it. Hey.

Andrew, remind everybody, because I don't think everyone knows where are you from? I'm from Canada. Right. What part of Canada? Toronto. Okay, Toronto, Canada. Jimmy knows it. Well, Jimmy, what do you think about Andrew Packer?

Well, I think if you'd opened on the last bit, I would have preferred it. I thought it was a great joke. I appreciate it. Talking about having kids, she's pregnant. It was a great gag. I'd open on that. I thought the other bit was a little bit weaker. But I like that.

The whole time I was thinking this is what it would look like if we found like a hair from Theo von and we re-grewed. Like, we're going to regrow him in a lab. And we're going to bring him up in Canada, so nothing interesting happens to him. There is a touch of that. You do have an odd swagger, slight swagger to you. There's no sleeps tonight. No.

No, there it is. Hot. So what's going on, Andrew? You have a pregnant wife. How pregnant is she? She is so pregnant that I shouldn't be here. Amazing. Amazing.

But she supports you, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She does, man. How far along are we talking? She's like 38 weeks pregnant right now. I fly back tomorrow. Wow. I go, I love you so much.

Are you going to be there for the birth? Absolutely, man. Shoulders and above, my friend. Shoulders and above. You've got no business down the business end when that's going on. It's not dignified for her. It's not great for you either. It's like watching your favorite bar burn down.

You'll be looking on, thinking about all the good times you had in there. Sure, you know, they're going to rebuild it, It's never going to be the same. Have you witnessed their birth? Have I watched her? Have you witnessed their birth? Yeah, I was at one. Just someone's?

No, it was mine. Very relatable, I guess, yeah. Thank you, yeah. No, I've been to some births, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They let you in, you laugh weird, and they're like, he's here sometimes. Yeah.

Yeah. Got it. iconic. That laugh is iconic. So, Andrew, this is your first kid coming out? Yeah, first one. I'll be a dad, yeah. And how long have you been away from her? She's up in Canada? Yeah, I just, she's up in Canada and I, like, I flew in yesterday. You flew into Austin yesterday. Yeah, yeah. For what? This? Yeah, just, wow. Take a shot. Incredible. Look at you. Could have easily just ended up at Shakespeare's and missed the birth of your first child. Really just living the dream. I love it.

Risky business, taking a chance. This is the kind of irresponsible I like in a commission. Heard of Russian roulette. This must be Canadian roulette, signing up for Kill Tony when your wife could burst at any moment. Yeah. Amazing. So what else is going on in life, Andrew?

What have, what have we been missing up in, uh, the old CA? I mean, this is really dominating the focus lately. It's just becoming like a dad and just focusing on making sure that that goes. What are your plans for being a good dad? Are you doing anything outside of the box? Any plans doing anything different? I mean, my dad is pretty solid, so I'm just trying to, like, go off of his plan.

What did your dad do that you respect that you like? You do this around? Wow. That's a pretty big deal, because we've heard from some of our black comedians earlier. That's a pretty big deal. Being around is a big deal. You know, there's sex and a name?

I'm sure you do, but what is? You're asking about sex with my baby right now, dude? Yeah. Yeah, it's a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going to name them? Ah, we don't know yet. Yeah.

The last name like Packer. It's tough. You have a lot of options. It makes it hard. Peter Packer? Fred Packer? Peter Packer picked a patch of pickled peppers, perhaps. It's actually that's what makes it so challenging.

It's like, you know, because you're very limited on the first names you can give when your last name's Packer. You know, like, I'll never have a son named Richard. Right. Or fudge. Nata. I want to name him pussy. I feel like. Ooh.

Pussy Packer. I got the only last name that makes Pussy, the hardest first name in the game. Oh, yeah, dude. I send this kid into the world as Pussy Packer. No one's wife is safe. Absolutely. There's probably a name that you could do that kind of, you know,

seems like Gash, maybe call him Gash, you know, Gash Packers. I'll run that by my wife. Yeah, totally. I go, listen, Red Band had a good idea. Yeah, exactly. Look, I know you thought my trip to Austin was selfish, but all we did was talk about you and the baby. Anyway, how about Gash Packer?

I don't have a ring to it. My goodness. This is why dudes aren't allowed to decide names, man. You spend too much time here. The kid's name's going to be shit Jack Packer. The Kill Tony Universe. This place is out of control. All right, Andrew.

Well, congrats on the up-and-coming child. You've got a fucking great set. Good stuff. Andrew Packer, there he goes. On to the next one we go. We're flying through them tonight, baby. Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

Try the macadamia cookies, baby. All right. On to the next one. It's the impression of Nick's dad for no reason, for those of you. For the four people to get it. For the four people to get it, you're going to love it. Look at him laughing. It's that funny. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Isaac Cain Brown, everybody.

One fish, two fish. Oh, my God. A second fish has hit the tower. Holy mackral. My buddy's a hypochondriac. He keeps telling me the bird flu. The bird flu. It's like, yeah, that's what they do. Speaking of birds, I hate crows. I hate them. They're the ones that made all those racist laws. You want to hear a bad one? Oh, fuck. Black people can't swim because they're the color of rocks.

That's my time. Wait, what? The color of rocks? Yeah. Okay. I really don't want to be up here anymore. Why? What's wrong?

What happened? I have bad stage fright. You have bad stage fright. You've been on before, though, right? Yeah. Jimmy Carr. Who's autistic child to you? Stemming, what you're seeing right here is stemming.

Okay, let's leave the last joke to one side. If you're going to do something that touches on race, it'd be super fucking funny. Yeah. Okay. Let's put that to one side. The rest of that I really liked. Yeah.

You seem great, man. Oh, thank you. Kind of very individual voice and kind of weird and wonderful and surreal. Yeah, great. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Relax.

Tell us your story. Oh. You asked who's autistic child I was. My brother is the autistic one. I was just homeschooled. Yeah, perfect. So I think it's kind of like a... Yeah.

Yeah. Where were you homeschooled at? Home. Right. Yeah. Very good. My mind is blown. What, uh, where at? What city? What state?

Springfield, Illinois. Okay. The home of the Simpsons. Who cheered for that? That feels like you missed out a lot, because you kind of have the demeanor of a school shooter. Well, but you didn't get to go. Well, I did join the military. Oh, you did?

Military. Yeah. This is why Iran is not going so great. What did you do in the military? I was an infantryman. Oh, wow. I thought you were going to say chef. No.

What if America's enemies see this? Yeah, this is incredible. Did you serve overseas? Yes, I did. Wow, where at? We went on a Mew, which is a marine expeditionary unit. That's when you ride with the Navy, and I did a very small amount of time in Iraq. Wow, what exactly did you do in Iraq?

Tell us about it. Well, they got mad at me because I loaded the magazine upside down in the gun. Oh, my goodness. Especially when it's a mad magazine. That's the worst part. Let me worry. Mostly, you know, just...

I cried a little bit. Not because it was bad. It was just really hot. Yeah. Yeah. You cried. Yeah. In Iraq.

Yeah. I feel weird. Thank you for your service. I guess. Wow. How long were you in Iraq for? A little over a month. We didn't do anything crazy. Right, right, right. Did you see anything crazy?

I saw an A-10 gun run. That was pretty cool. What exactly is that? You know, that plane that sounds like it's farting when it shoots the gun? Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that. Did you cry when you saw that? Yeah.

Tell us about the times you cried in Iraq. Were there any more? There's a thing over there called camel spiders. Ooh. And they're about, like, yay big, give or take. Uh-huh. And when it's really hot, they try to find shades, so they'll chase your shadow.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Oh, and you were crying. Oh, yeah. Wow. They'll chase your shadow. Nature is something else.

I'm in it. Holy fucking shit. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine if one of those spiders saw fucking John D's over here on the keys? And he wouldn't even know where the shadow starts

and where the shadow ends. It'd be a double shadow. Double the double shadow, John D's. New nickname activated. That's fucking crazy. Amazing. And I'm definitely calling Asanamata.

What is it again? a sand spider? What was it? A camel spider. Perfect, yeah. That's it. It sounds like a racist term for sure. Yeah, the guy at 7-Eleven

was a real camel spider, you know what I mean? I love when I do a racist joke and I look and your face doesn't change at all. God love you. We have the best time together. Look at him grabbing his own fingers over there, comforting himself saying that he's not the

autistic one. I can't imagine how autistic your brother must be for him to be the autistic one. Well, he lays concrete in full supreme. What do you mean in full supreme? You know the clothing brand all the like, you know,

says Supreme on? There's a guy in the far, I didn't even know the room could be that far back. I didn't even know this room's back wall, which I know very well. I've spent many, many hours here. I didn't. I didn't not know it was possible to laugh from that far. Did anybody else hear that? There's a man like a mile away going, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, go ahead. He lays concrete wearing supreme.

Yeah. For a living? Is that part of it? Yeah, he does it for a living. Wow. Well, it's not part of it, but I think he just really likes the clothes, I imagine. Fashion and all that. How does he get that trip? You don't need to tell us. Yeah. So he does hard, grinding, grueling, Italian-esque work, but dressed well. Yeah. Like Luigi Vatan or something like that. All right. Well, Isaac Kane Brown, we like your style.

Here's a big joke book, my friend. Thank you so much. Where's cold at? Who's having fun out there tonight, huh? Look at this guy ducking down being a good sport. Look at the little guy. I think he might actually just be that tall. That's adorable.

Absolutely adorable Well, I got news for you I love this name that I pulled The last time this young lady was on this show We had a fucking blast This is someone who I'm secretly rooting for right now To have a great set Make some noise for my long-awaited return

Of Yehi, everybody We love Ye'I He Oh yeah One more time for Yehi everybody Here we got you, we're coming for you, Yehi Hell yeah Michael, grab that mic, stand real quick One more time, ladies and gentlemen

for the comedy stylings of Yee As you can see, I am bisexual But I date mostly men Because does it look like I can scissor I've been doing comedy for a year And the coolest thing that happened was that I got accused of being a blood But what do I have to do to prove that I'm a crit

You know? I've been quit walking since the womb, you feel me. My mom gave me thick skin for comedy because growing up, she'd be like, Yeah, yeah. Why you look so disabled? I'm sorry, Mom, I'll just... To get back at my mom, I got fake tities. Because seven grand's a lot cheaper

than trying to fix what other fuck's going on out here. You know what I'm saying? Keep your eyes up here. Thank you. My name is Yeehee. Yee. I love it. Welcome back, Yeehee. Happy birthday, Ye'ee! Amazing. Am I right, Jimmy? Is this not one of the most adorable little fucking fetal alcohol,

whatever's you've ever seen before? A lot of socky it took to make this one. My dad pushed my mom down the stairs. That's how this happens. I love it. Amazing. It's fine, dude. It makes all my muscles tired.

We're doing good. We're doing good. Yehi, welcome back. Hi. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Jimmy Carr, you ever seen anything? like this?

There's a, there's a, I need some backstory here. Come on. Do you want your, chop sticks back? How dare you? What did Dee Madness say? Did you want your chopsticks back? Oh, no, that was Red Band. That'd be crazy if Deep Madness knew that she dropped her crutches.

D. Madness is blind. He has no idea what the fuck's going on up there. He's like, who's that cool ass black bitch? Who's that tall athletic black bitch up there right now? All right, yay-hee. Remind us all. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year and two months.

A year and two months. And you are a viral sensation. What I love, and I mean, I think everybody knows it. Last time you were on, a magical moment happened where famously I wanted to throw the big joke book at you. You said, Tony, there's no way I can catch that. I said, yes, you can. You said, no, I can't. And you go, that's a hate crime.

And I go, no, it's not. You're going to do it. Open your mind. Da-da-da-da. And it's an amazing moment. And you fucking caught the joke book. Yeah, you taught me how to catch. What are you going to do next?

Or you're going to teach me how to ride a bike? Are you going to be my daddy? Oh, my God. Yehi. You better stop it. I'll tell you. You are kind of oddly hot tonight. I don't know what's going on.

Something about that skirt. You got fucking tattoos now. I don't remember that since the last time I saw you. I have shorts underneath, so I'm protected. You are oddly hot in the weirdest of ways. I'm in this way. You just didn't know. It was the winter last time, so.

Damn. Yay. You're a little summer treat. You're a little fucking... Thank you. I know. Look at you, you little fucking beef dumpling you. You are absolutely steamy tonight.

This is absolutely incredible. Korean barbecue. Hell yeah. I guarantee it's all you can eat. You ain't. Stopping nobody. No. Yeehe, my goodness.

Jimmy, Jimmy, what does it feel like to be in the middle of this exchange? I'm sorry. I sort of don't know where to look. Yay, you are right. I didn't get the backstory from last time. So what's the, whose idea was this? Was this like... Unplanned. Wouldn't you be pissed?

We're on what? I was unplanned. I was a mistake baby. It's amazing that they let you live. I have cerebral palsy. I was three months from Wow. So you think in three months' time you might be okay? I'm still premature it looks like, so. Yay, you're so cool.

How's Austin, Texas, treating you? Really well. I've been here for a little while. I gave myself a little summer camp, like a comedy summer camp. I'm staying here for a little bit to the end of the month. And I've been... And where do you live full-time? I'm in Houston.

Houston? Houston. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I have a Nissan Ultimate with a Crack. windshield and everything, you know? Oh my goodness. I didn't understand any of that. Oh.

If that's my problem or you. Or is it maybe just my, I don't know. You're doing great. I have that Houston slang, so. I love it. Absolutely. You love Houston? That's where you're born and raised?

I'm annoying about it, too. Yeah. I love Houston. I love it. Topstrop, fat, you know what I'm talking about? Maybe, I don't know. Okay. All right.

Maybe I... I don't know. You're doing perfect. Vicki Ahee. You're doing perfect. So do you have a day job or anything? What do you do? What are you, uh? I'm an online math teacher, but something tells me that's... That seems a bit racist.

We already stouted that last time, but yeah. I mean, like, yeah, I mean, like, I follow all of my stereotypes. Like what? How bad of a driver are you? I'm surprisingly a great driver. Really? I drive with my hand, so I can't look at my phone. Oh. Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah. Oh, and I got a new boyfriend. Oh, tell us about this boyfriend. He has one nut. Oh, my God. How many did he have before he started fucking you? Two. But he lost it to cancer, but he's good now.

Wow. Amazing. How long have you been with this guy? This, like, since March. It's very fresh. Very fresh. Where'd you meet him at? Actually, Killed Tony Signups when my episode aired on.

Look at that. Only at Kill Tony Sineups. sign up. Shut out. Can a man with one testicle meet a whatever the fuck this is? An absolute thunderbolt. Faulted our stars in real life. What can I say?

Oh, Yee. I love your energy. I love you. Jimmy Carr. I didn't know you were a doctor. I didn't know you. I didn't know the medical term was whatever the fuck this is. Listen, I think if you taught me how to ride a bike,

that would go even more viral. What do you think? I think me teaching you how. how to ride a bike would end up with, again, with me being sued. There's only one way that ends, and I picture just, actually there's two ways it could end. Either you fall to the left or the right.

Well, I like the idea of you being a good driver, but I mean, if you do get in a crash, it's gonna be amazing, right? Because they'll come to the, are you okay? And you'll get out. Yeah. Oh my God, what have I done? Yeah, no, yeah, absolutely.

Actually, I think one time someone tried to scam me, I knew I was driving correctly, claiming I didn't use my signals, and I did. And then I came out. She was like, oh, no, my, all. I don't want the smoke. This new boyfriend, is he a white guy? He's German and Mexican.

Ooh, wow. He hates walls, doesn't he? Well, I'll tell you this. His one nut works for two. That's the most Mexican thing about him. Yeah. Okay, repeat that one more time. It's a little bit slower.

It's one nut works for two, which is the most Mexican thing about him. Tell us, tell us about making love. What are some of your tricks in the bedroom, Yehi? I mean, I can't even imagine what it's like when those, when those sweet fucking leg braces of yours are just up in the air. I mean, I can't even, I can't even imagine. You must be a wild cat in the bedroom. I know you play it cool here. You pretend like you're a little bit hurt or whatever.

But in the bedroom, I bet it's just anything goes all day, every day, wantons of fun. Am I right? I'm all holes. That's all I could tell you. Oh, my God. You see what I'm... Look at Red Band.

He's hard as a rock right now. Unbelievable. I just saw a really funny video of her. I guess you do this all the time. It was a busy road, a lot of traffic, and you just walk right through the middle of it, like a homeless person. Yeah. I stay walk, but I don't think on Japanese, I can't walk, you know? You Korean walk.

Yeah. Amazing. Yeh, tell us more. I gotta know more about you. What else do you do for fun? You have any hobbies or anything like that? You already know I go to the gym. You go to the gym?

I know, right? I do a lot of journaling. At the gym? Actually, I did it at a Firestone a few days ago Because I needed like two tires replaced You weed what? I don't get into accidents

I just take herbs You had to get your tires replaced I don't get into accidents I just Exactly what do you do at the gym Take us through a workout with Yehi PPL push pull legs Just like machines though

I don't have good enough grip for like free weights I try my best. I look like this for a reason. I was supposed to be bad, and I'm not. Yehi, I swear to God, you're killing it. Did you really get fake boobs? I did. Wow, you chose to get small fake boobs.

I try to get bigger when my doctor was like, that's going to go onto your armpice. You're going to get an uni boob. Well, of course, when your doctor is your father, they're going to say that. They're always like, no, not too big. Actually, actually, I, I, uh, reunited with my dad for the first time.

You what? Reunited with my dad for the first time last year after 14 years. My dad left when I was 16. Wow. And having daddy issues, I'm not immune to it

just because I'm crippled. But yeah. And he was like, after 14 years, he dared to be like, you want your eyes done while you're here because I'll pay for it. You'll be more successful.

I'm like, I feel so welcomed already, you know? That's what he wanted to fix. was your eyes of all the fucking things. He's like, hey, let me pay to get your eyes done. I know. Like, I mean... I know.

It's like the broken window theory. You know, you just take care of the little things. You get the eyes done and then maybe the legs will kick in. Yeah, maybe she just couldn't see good. That's why she can't walk properly. I got a four point. I have a master's degree. I got a 4.0 on that.

And when I told him about it, he didn't give a shit. But he cared about my eyes. Where is your father? Where has he lived? He's in South Korea. He's a class. He's a good man now, so don't worry about it, you know. Doctor?

Is he a doctor? What is he in South Korea? What does he do? He drives tour buses. Oh, wow. I think we have a sound effect for that, I do believe. There you go. Hell yeah.

Why don't you just stay with us tonight, Eve? Let me just chill. Yeah, we only have a couple bucket pools left. I'm already dressed for the occasion. I'm in all red. You are adorable. You have to see her little red converse is hanging. They're not even touching the floor.

Mike, grab her crutches. Reset the mic stand. Let's turn on Mike 4. Kino and crew. This is adorable. Nice. Nice to sit next to cover the frog. Yeah, I would love to also have you on the Secret Show Thursday of Day.

Of course. You just got booked on a real... I'm already here, bitch. That's right. Yeh, he's a spunky little, funky little girl. All right, you take, you give Michael that one.

Oh, that's your dedicate. Aw. Yeh, yeah, he, yeah, he, join us on panel. Just stick around for the next two comedians. I would love to. And then we just don't,

so the deal is, you just don't interrupt the minute, and I ask the basic questions, and you get to just sit back and fucking crank home runs whenever you want. My heels were clicking. Okay.

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Yehi has joined the panel in a stunning turn of events only on Kill Tony. Does magic like this happen? Yehi, put the microphone down on the table. Sit it down.

I have to grab things at all time. You're perfect. There you go. All right. Yehi, you ready to watch? You ready to watch someone do a minute? What I'm going to be looking out for, by the way, just to let you know, I've been doing this show for 13 years,

never missed a Monday, right? What I'm looking forward to is when the comedian, because I always look, and they always give a glance at who the guest is, and I've noticed every fucking comedian tonight is like, oh shit, Jimmy Carr, right? Like, there's a second where I see them identify the legendary Jimmy Carr. And what I'm going to love is I'm going to love watching them go from Jimmy to, what the fuck is this?

I just made it. to snob rocket fly out of my nose. I literally pictured like what that's going to be like is that fucking what is Margaret Cho or something? Like what even is that? Allie Walk Wong, that's one. Allie Walk Wong.

Oh my God. I love you. I love you, Yehi. I love you. You might have a new white boyfriend by the end of this episode, Yehi. Look out. Someone's going to learn not to ride a motherfucking bicycle this week. I'll learn to ride something. Oh, my God.

I might be the one wearing leg braces next week. This bitch is going to wear me out to the bone. All right. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of John Sheeran, everybody. Makes noise for John. I had to break up with a girl this week because she wanted a relationship.

But I'm on the management track at work. And I'm not going to get there unless I can prove that I'll enforce the glass ceiling. I only eat off of plastic plates because that way, women know that I don't do commitment or dishes. I buy my plates at the dollar tree, but when I'm ready for a family, I'll start shopping at the family dollar. I'll buy my condoms there. Because family dollar condoms, they don't break the bank.

And you will start a family for a dollar. Getting commitment from a guy really is a glass ceiling. But we tend to treat it like plastic. We bend it as far as we can before we commit. But sometimes guys, we push too far. And you know what it is like to bust through plastic. All right. John Shear and Jimmy Carr. Have you thought about leg braces?

Have I thought about leg braces? Just a question. Some people wear leg braces and they're super funny. I'm just saying. Good work. They'd make me taller, maybe. Hell yeah. John, how long have you been doing stand-up?

About six months. Six months. We're at. Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina. And you came here just for this. What are you doing in Austin? Needed vacation.

Okay. And then decided maybe I'll move here. Okay. How long have you been here? Thursday, so about five days. What do you think about it so far? It's good. I don't know if I like H-E-B.

They make you bring your own bags. Wait a second. What about double birds from this guy. I swear to God, if they like people bring guns into the mother's ship. There's so much going on just from that one statement. You don't know if you like H-E-B, and they made you bring... What do you mean they made you bring your own bags? You know how they make you either buy or bring reusable bags?

No. They don't do that. The one I went to did. What do you mean? Anyway, so the bag it says Texas native and then it lists a bunch of native Texas plants on it. Have you all noticed that? Matt Muelling, who only speaks once every three months,

has acknowledged those are great bags. I'm going to check in with the panelist of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, let's see what Yehie thinks about this. I initially felt bad that the painter heckled you kind of, but now I'm cool with it. What do you? One second. The first native plant is the black-eyed Susan.

And I just didn't know that Texans were so proud of domestic violence. Okay, John. All right. Let's talk about it here. My goodness, John. I'm really trying. My dad pushed my mom down the stairs. She's like a doll that you pull the string on.

My mom pushed my mom down the stairs. Oh. I'm from Houston. I think we all like, we look like dolls, but different price rates. This one's... I'm worth more than all of you. This one's kind of busted as a little bit cheaper, but, you know. Go!

Shit! Yehi, you are the shit. You are such a good fucking spirit. You guys are bumping mics over here. So, John, you are in the presence of one of the comedy gods here, Yehi, who is judging you greatly. six months in Raleigh, North Carolina, and you come out guns ablazin in the interview, dissing H.E.B.

What do we have to do to get you back to Raleigh, North Carolina? I mean, you know H.E.B. We have a blubid grocery store here. Literally does everything better, makes everything better. Produces pressure. Meat pressure. Nobody's ever had an issue with a bag there in their fucking lives. The bags are great.

You get free bags. You can buy a fancy bag. It's like a fucking museum. I guess I'm just an easy mark. I don't know. Man, good Lord. Okay, John, what do you do for fun? Tell us something good about you

that'll make the whole audience love you instead of hate you. I play a lot of volleyball. Oh, boy. A fun fact. Everybody that dislikes H.E.B. loves volleyball. Just a fun fact. Wow. What else?

Tell us something else. Give us one more thing. Volleyball didn't exactly do it. I used to work at Jimmy Johns. Okay. All right. Yates. It's not getting any better, John. It's not getting any better. Yehi.

Jimmy. I feel like we're two questions away from lynching this guy. Yeah. Did you ever volunteer? Ever, maybe we're trying to give you something. Oh, my God. How adorable is Yehi? Did you ever volunteer or something?

We're trying to give you something. She's really spelling it out. This little sweet thing is literally like, feels bad for him. Think about that. Just met her dad. Leg braces galore. Can't even fucking stand straight. And she's like, how do we help this guy?

When I was back there, did I hear that your boyfriend has one testicle? Yes, sir. Oh. I was born that way too. Wow, you were born that way. Born that way. Wow. So God.

Redeeming qualities. Wow, you have one more testicle than I thought you had, my friend. Here's a little joke book. Sign up, come back again some other time with a different minute. John Sheeran, ladies and gentlemen, we are now going to do one final bucket pool. We're into overtime, everybody. I just want one more bucket pool.

Literally, just for the reason that I explained earlier about seeing the panel because that one was behind the curtain, I realized. So this is the real one here where it's going to be like, there should be a second. There should be a double take of them. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For the final bucket pool of the night, it's Galena, Ravina. My girlfriends wanted to do a vacation this year,

so they suggested a girl's trip to Dubai, to which I said, if we're going to do a girl's trip, do you mind if we pick a country that likes girls? That's not my idea of getting stoned. It's hard to feel unsafe all the time as a woman. I wanted to be proactive, so I signed up for kickboxing classes. Now if someone tries to abduct me, I have something to talk about in the van.

I'd have to be like, please abduct me just like I learned in class. Cannot fight you out of sequence. It was a Groupon. No. You said 10 seconds left. Oh, all right. I used to have a lot of peeping Tom's. They were all men.

Pretty male-dominated profesh. All right. All right. There you go. Look at that. A true professional. Galena, Ravina. Galena.

I know you from doing stand-up in L.A., correct? That's right. Heck yeah. How long have you been doing it? 11 years. 11 years. That's right. I remember you.

We know you very well, right? Red Band. And welcome, welcome. What brings you to Austin, Texas? The comedy scene. Yes, indeed. Do you live here now? I do.

How long have you lived here? Six months now. Awesome. Well, welcome, welcome. How do you feel about H.E.B.? Very easy question. Just take it and dunk the ball. It's the only grocery store I've ever walked into

where I saw a man holding a pigeon. There you go. On top of many other great things, that's also another thing. Sometimes there's a man holding a pigeon with great bags around him. Hell yeah, Galena, Ravina. How does it feel to be up here with the great Jimmy Carr and the legendary Yehi?

Fantastic. Just two legends, indeed, like you said. My father pushed my mother down the stage. I fucking love it. Yehi, you have any notes or anything? Any feedback for the great Kalina radio? I don't know. I'm curious, can you carry me? Are you strong? I could carry you. Oh, my goodness.

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Are we real? You want to do it? I mean, you're not allowed to sue us or anything. Watch out. There's a cord. Watch up for the cord there.

Oh boy. Whoa! Put her down, put her down, put her down. Lawsuit incoming. Finally made it, don't want to lose it. Look. I don't. I don't want to be that guy, but seriously, what's the worst that could happen? I'm sorry.

When she said she was a woman in a male-dominated field, I'm just tempted. And she's so beautiful. Oh, my God. Well, thank you. I do work out a lot. I mean, I usually just do Kegles, but that works, too. Hey. It's a very good gag.

Absolutely. They got type of a way, so. Well, when you've got, if you had that Kegles gag locked and loaded, open with that. That's great. It's a great little one line of bang, funny immediately. Yep. Boom. Off and running.

That is true. Fast and furious is good right from the gut. Galena, tell us a little fun fact about your life that might surprise us. I'm Ukrainian. Whoa. Look at that. That's unusual for a Mexican lady, isn't it? Yeah.

I mean, I don't work at the airport, but, No, you fucking not. Oh, Oh, my God. That is amazing. How Ukrainian are you? I can start speaking Russian. Wow.

I'm so Ukrainian, I speak Russian. Oh, my God. That is amazing. This is like when I found out Yehi drives a car. You do? I do. I think it's a Waymo and they just let it pretend. It hit me, God damn it.

Maybe I can afford some new legs. How about that? I think she drives a car. Are you driving? Oh. Oh, my God. Galena Rivina. Amazing.

Speak Russian for us just a little bit. Say something like that's like five or ten seconds long. Can you do a joke in Russian? I don't know shudky for Russian. How must go is it? What? I'm setting you up with a punchline. How must go is it?

I'm just going. Now say it forwards. Satan is the one true God. Galena, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. And here's a big joke before you. Galena Radina. Great stuff. And we are down to our final.

The final comedian of the night, our super regular, our freak of nature. The great Heidi. Do you have a sippy cup for her, Heidi? I'm just kidding. Look at that. Look who's having the time of her life tonight. Can you believe it? It's great because it was just us than now, you know.

More fun with two and a half people here. Love it. I'm having a great time. Hell yeah, you fucking better be. This is the make-a-wish of a century right now. I mean, that'd be crazy if she's like, can I get out of here? This sucks. Ladies and gentlemen, we've been doing this show a very long time.

We've had a lot of different regulars. Early on, we had some brand spanking new females that we thought it would be an interesting experiment to literally watch people grow and try to write a new minute every week. But it's so fucking hard to do that the whole thing is kind of, have been an experiment the entire time.

Sometimes they're more physical, right? You're Ari Maddies, you're this, you're that, the roasting stable styles of David Lucas, your insane silliness of William Montgomery. They come in so many different shapes and sizes. I got to tell you, ma'am, this guy that's closing tonight's show, I mean, I'm just in absolute awe of his writing, of his performing. I think as the show has evolved,

he has become what could be considered the perfect fucking specimen for a guy that does a new minute every single week. He is the fastest rising comedian in all of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Pat O'Neill.

The night I was in bed with this girl and she squirted? Yeah. Last time I take her to Taco Bell. It's not pee. And fellas, you ever in bed with your gal and you know you think she might be faking it? I was there myself recently

and eventually just had to ask, are those even real tears? Folks, this girl, she's really into rough sex. Just doesn't know it yet, you know? Last week I took her horse riding. The old Texas abortion. Some people down here, they say abortion, should be allowed, but only in instances

of rape and incest. But I think it should probably only be for rape. Because if you are having consensual incest, I think you should have to keep that fucking retard. Really the only way people ever learned throughout history. All right, thank you.

The real deal. Pat O'Neill has, without a doubt, done it again. Wow. I'm excited to hear the great, and I mean truly one of the great writers and performers in the history of stand-up, the great Jimmy Carr. You're seeing Pat O'Neill for the first time.

You've been a regular guest on this show for over a decade. It's banger after banger after banger. Not only great jokes, but perfect delivery. It's a joy to watch. Thank you, Sarah. What the fuck? Thank you. Oh, you bring it. You bring it.

I love it on this show when someone's done the work. Like the amount of work that went into that. that set, the amount of gags, because you could have floated by on two of those, and there was four great jokes, like one after the other, perfect delivery. Your whole persona is just, it's just on point. I love it. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. We've checked in with a man that's done arenas in giant theaters. Let's wait to see what she thinks. All around the globe. It is time for us to check in with Yehi, ladies and gentlemen. You're so funny. You're really funny, and I really thought that you look like both

Rick and Morty at the same time. And you really do. Thank you. Everybody on the internet and Timmy No Bricks certainly made that joke. And also you look like Randall from Monsters Inc. and Jerry the Mouse. How about that? Keep going here. He just keep naming things that he looks like.

No, it's okay. Now I'm shy about it. I like Nickelodeon too. Yeah. No, it's great. Jimmy? I kind of get, I get like, Christian Slater in true romance. Yeah. If it had been real life, not a movie.

Yeah. No, there is that vibe. I see it. I feel it. Harry Potter and Ghalm. That's my last one. Amazing. She's a little superstar, right?

Well, she's probably wondering what he's got. It is amazing. Someone's mummy through someone down the stairs. I mean, Pat, you are the man. I'm just an absolute obvious super fan. I'm so excited to see you make your Madison Square Garden debut and also our takeover of Las Vegas. Arenas delors.

That's my first time going to New York. Yeah. Stand up? So, your first time in New York, you're playing Madison Square Gardens. I guess. Yeah, yes, that is. I mean, that's me finding out, too, but that is amazing.

That's got to be your first and last trip. You cannot go back again. Fuck it. It is true. You're not going to top that. Go socks. MSG, spoiler, Madison Square Garden is such an addicting venue

that you'll do anything to go back there, including a presidential rally. Red band? You know, I had the pleasure. I just did a whole weekend of shows with Pat and San Diego and watching him do just 15, minutes. People were standing up

applauding halfway through his set, just nonstop. He's about to go on the road and do his own hour sets. You've got to fucking see this motherfucker he is the real deal, Pat O'Neill. It is a force of nature unlike anything we've ever seen before. I mean, it is just fucking absolutely hysterical. I love it. Thank you folks. Thank you. One more time for the great Pat O'Neill, everybody.

How much and funded we have tonight, huh? Jimmy Car! Order his book on Amazon, at Amazon.com right now, or your app on Amazon. Get it the book. It is called On Jokes.

It's one of the greatest joke writers in the history of stand-up Jimmy Carr talking about his process of writing jokes, how you can write jokes, how it's done, how it goes, and I'm fascinated by it. I am currently reading a copy or having AI read me a copy. It's fucking unbelievable.

Unbelievable, yeah. And the drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers was drawing over there tonight. Jimmy Carr! I love it. Yee. How about a hand for Yee, ladies and gentlemen? I mean, oh, a bow.

A bow from a little bun. I will say, Tony, one of my dreams is to have one of those paintings. So, with my mouth open that one time, you know what I mean? You are hysterical. I absolutely love you, Yehi. Let it be known that someone that takes jokes like you and makes jokes like you and on the come-up and working and grinding

is what this fucking show is all about. It's about getting from that point to that point in life and everything in between. So congratulations. My best birthday present ever! Hell yeah. Happy birthday, Yehi. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. Happy birthday.

Thank you. Fucking amazing. A reminder that the band is. The band is playing in New York at... New York City Winery. The City Winery on the Thursday before we do Friday and Saturday. So if you're visiting New York, go see the band on Thursday. See us on Friday and Saturday.

I think there's still combo tickets. They're going a thing where you can get a ticket for Friday and Saturday for MSG, a little fun fact instead of buying them separately. So look into that. Red Band. Check out the Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Thank you so much, guys. We love you guys. How about one more time

for the great Jimmy Carr? Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Father. You are the man. Thank you, audience. We love you. Good night, everybody.