KILL TONY - KILL TONY #78: LIVE FROM TORONTO!

Episode Date: December 30, 2014

Magnus Betnér, John Moses, Tony Hinchcliffe, Canadian Patriot/Jason, Brian Redban – Date: 11/07/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony, live from Toronto. This is a crazy episode. If you want to download all the Kill Tony episodes, or if you just want to catch up, you can always find everything Kill Tony at DeathSquad.tv, or on iTunes and Stitcher, just search for Death Squad and hit subscribe. Also, if you want some merchandise, you can get the official Death Squad merchandise at ShopSquad.tv. And we just got the mugs back in stock. Also, if you want some merchandise, you can get the official Death Squad merchandise at shop squad dot TV. And we just got the mugs back in stock.

They sold out quick last time. The big, large mug limited edition. So grab it at shop squad dot TV. Also, if you want to see us live, we're at the Ice House almost every Friday in Pasadena, California. We're also at the Comedy Store every Monday recording Kill Tony. That's at 8 p.m. And that's a free show every Monday at the Comedy Store in Sunset Boulevard. And also Death Squad's coming to Vegas.

And it's a free show. All the information can be found at DeathSquad.tv. Click on Tour Dates. Death Squad Vegas is January 23rd at South Point. So check it out. It's free. Limited seats. So you have to get there if you want a seat.

It might sell out even though it's not for sale. You know what I mean. Anyways, check out DeathSquad.tv. Click on tour dates. There's a lot of new dates coming soon for Death Squad. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's official website, TonyHinchcliffe.com, for his merch, Golden Pony Boy.

And now, here's a great episode, live from Toronto. Kill Tony! Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Toronto. A brand new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Esquire. Fuck yes Holy shit We did it everybody

We are live in Toronto What This is so cool This is really cool This is unbelievably cool I feel comfortable That's for the first time in Toronto in two days, I feel comfortable. We're right at home.

This is what it's all about. This is what we do. Kill Tony at a movie theater. I know, right? Guys, this is a fucking movie theater. It's like we've come full circle. Right. And it's a packed, crazy audience of podcast fans.

So cool. Most of them came here by themselves. Because they're podcast fans. You guys are like one of podcast fans. Most of them came here by themselves. Because they're podcast fans. You guys are like one of a kind. This is like a Reddit meetup group or something. Too many cooks. Too many cooks.

Did anybody catch that on Adult Swim last night? Because you guys are the best. That's why you even know about it. Me and Brian just coincidentally found it separate from each other and were like, you saw that too? For 15 minutes during Adult Swim last night. You know what sucks is when I finally release this,

all you're going to be like, shut the fuck up with Too Many Cooks! Yeah, it's crazy. But it gets stuck in your head. Oh, it's powerful. It's so powerful. It was like a comedy meteorite hit last night at 4.15 in the morning.

Google search Too Many Cooks. In the future when we release this, you're going to be like, fuck you. Hamster dance? Really? What are you doing to me? It's like we stumbled across Gangnam Style first. If Gangnam Style just got

released, we saw it already. And you guys are going to end up seeing it. You're going to be like, holy shit, that is awesome. No idea. Except it's better than Gangnam Style. Like, Gangnam Style is crazy. You know Gangnam Style has, like, twice as many hits on YouTube than anything else? Oh, yeah.

That is the most fucked up thing in the world. But we all love it. We're all going to die. No. It's the best song ever. We are all going to die. Like, we are totally. That proves to me that we are a bad people. Why do you say that?

Because if that's what the world is absorbing more than anything else, a guy fake riding a horse, like not only any guy, but a goofy Korean guy in a suit and sunglasses. I mean, if that's what humanity finds more entertaining than anything else, it has two billion hits on YouTube. Think about that for a second. That it's the number one most... How many people knew this by round of

applause? Not that many people. How many of you guys know this song is the most amazing song in the world. It's not amazing. It's terrible. And that's my point.

Is that we're all gonna die. Fuck yeah. I wish I had control of the... I have no control of the volume. That's the only thing I wish I could just like... If you say volume up on that thing, somebody's gonna do it. Josh Martin, are you here? Bring your hands together for Josh Martin, everybody.

Josh Martin, guys, right here. Canadian Josh Martin is here. We have a Canadian Josh Martin who, crazy enough, speaks better English than the American Josh Martin. No, in Canada, because of the exchange rate, we have two Josh Martins. Look at these two doing the job of one little puppy dog. Hey, what are you guys talking about?

We've been doing a new thing recently where he gets hit in the nuts. You guys are in for a treat. You kill Tony. Come on. Can we hit you in the nuts? Can I just hit you in the nuts? Can I just tap you? Come here.

Come on stage. Get on stage, guys. Joe Tucciotto. He put this thing on, everybody. He's doing the Josh Martin part. We need to go over here at the nut microphone. Here's what I'm going to do. Usually

Tony has a great sponsor. Let's have him read something else. Let's have him read a line from Adventure Time. Let's have him read the cover of this Peanuts thing right here. This was a gift from somebody beautiful in the audience that gave me an

Adventure Time number one comic of Marceline. I don't even know if I said that right, but I want you to read the whole left page of, this is the seventh page of this comic. I want you to read the whole and if you pause at one second, I'm going to flick you in the nuts right now.

Check. Start. Why bother anyway? Does it even matter? It doesn't matter. Thanks, everyone. We're devil cake downers. We have records and stuff. Not that you wouldn't want them. He got hit in the nuts, everybody. That's how we start the shows now. We have records and stuff. Not that you wouldn't want them. Dudes. You paused. Oh, nut hit. He got hit in the nuts, everybody. That's how we start the shows now.

There we go. It's a new tradition. It's a lot better when it's Josh Martin because we set it up and it's silly. But Joe Tucciotto, everybody. He's on the controls for tonight. He set it up. You know, what's funny was when I flicked him in the nuts, I didn't feel anything there.

I think this guy is a woman. Whoa. The bearded lady. What if he had a beautiful vagina the whole time? We had no idea. He had the most beautiful no lip vagina. There's nothing hanging out of it.

No bilka cord or anything like that. Why would the most beautiful vagina not have lips? What kind of vagina are you into? You're just into like a slit or something, huh? You just want some kind of envelope crease? Yes. What kind of thing are you into? That's what I want.

I want a straight line. That's what I want. No way. I want a Charles Schultz drawing. I don't want to feel like I'm supposed to put a quarter in it or something. There should be something there to let you know that it's a vagina, not just some hole in the wall, you know what I mean? It's so good to be back in Toronto.

For example, even though we've been jet lagged and fucked up, I flew from New York City to L.A. on Monday just for Kill Tony, which Doug Stanhope was on at the for Kill Tony, which Doug Stanhope was on at the Comedy Store. It's been so much fun lately. We've had all the best people on. Dave Attell, Rogan, everybody. It's all happening on that

front. The new episodes that you guys will be hearing are great. He's been traveling so much. He went from the East Coast to West Coast just to do one podcast with Doug Stanhope. Which was awesome and it was worth it. Yeah, but then flew back to Toronto and then we had to roast

Ron Jeremy and both of us seriously, whatever it was, we were fucking zombies. We pretty much watched each other masturbate like we normally do, but we had dead eyes. But we ended up having fun. pretty much watched each other masturbate like we normally do, but we had dead eyes.

But we ended up having fun. That was a fun roast. Brian did his first ever roast, guys, of Ron Jeremy. Horrible. It was the first crowdsourced roast I've ever done. I used message boards,

Jorogan message boards, talking one-to-one. I crowdsourced the whole roast. You did a great job. That's how it is to be an actor. What an honor to roast Ron Jeremy, right guys? Fuck Ron Jeremy. He fucked in the green room was the size of this table, all right?

And he fucked a girl in it. And he fucked a girl in the bathroom. I came in to get a beer, and it smelled like buttholes and yeast infections. Fuck that. Yeah, he fucked a girl in the green room. There was eight other people on the roast, and he fucked a girl in the smallest green room. How Ron Jeremy is that? Yeah.

So we all had to leave the green room, obviously, because he's just fucking a girl in a smallest green room. How Ron Jeremy is that? Yeah. Like, so we all had to leave the green room, obviously, because he's just fucking a girl in a bathroom stall. Like, all there is is one stall door. He's blatantly fucking a girl, just meat smacking against each other. It sounded exactly like that. But last night we did the comedy underground, which was more

fun. Now all of a sudden we're doing stand-up comedy. We had a blast. You guys missed it. Me and Tony both went off the rails and just did an insane fucking show. It was a B-side. We went unplugged.

And we're going to be there tonight. We're going there after this. After the show, we are doing comedy at the Comedy Underground where you're just allowed to smoke weed and fucking get high and we're going to do a comedy show. My plan for tonight is, you remember

the great Andy Kaufman when he did Radio City Music Hall. He took everybody out for milk and cookies afterwards to a place after he did that. What I want to do tonight is I want us all to go stampede the comedy underground after this and watch us do stand-up

comedy. It's going to be crazy. If I'm telling a lie, then let there be a profile of my head right behind me. Anyway, what's exciting about being here, though, is that we do crazy shit here, and

I'm really excited about the stand-up tonight and doing this show. The Patriot tonight? I can't wait to bring this guy out. Yeah. Unfortunately, we weren't able to bring an Iron Patriot tonight, guys. So there's not going to be any Patriot of any kind. That's why Brian's saying that he's fucking with you. I'm sorry.

I've been fucking with you all night. You guys have no idea. Bathroom cameras, your girlfriends within the bathroom. I have it. You want to make a deal? But then again, what if just for one time

Brian wasn't kidding? What if there actually was... What if there just so happened to be a patriot here on tonight's show to keep us safe? No. Well, that would be the first episode ever that there wasn't one. And that ain't gonna happen tonight, Toronto. I present to you our head of security for the evening.

The first ever Canadian Patriot ladies and gentlemen holy shit make sure he doesn't trip put him in front of his mic Joe fuck yeah the one man fire

hazard the Canadian Patriot perhaps our girthiest Patriot we've ever had lots of poutine in that robot system going on I see that and coin this looks like if the guy that played Bane

got hired as Iron Man put your hands together for the Canadian Patriot everybody come on he's one of you that suit almost looks like it was Put your hands together for the Canadian Patriot, everybody. Come on. Come on. He's one of you. That suit almost looks like it was on my carry-on the entire way here from L.A. It almost looks like it was shoved in a bag

that I had to put seven days' worth of clothes in. Yeah. I mean, so tight that everything was just the size of a softball. But luckily Tony only wears clothing that's the size of a piece of paper, right? Right. Because I'm so tiny. No, no, seriously. If you put this in the luggage, you could have

a million of those. Like this scarf, this sweater, I could have a million of those sweaters. Brian, it's a medium. Alright, calm down. It's not like some superhuman thing. Sweater? I could have a million of those sweaters. Brian, it's a medium. It's not like some superhuman thing. The size of clothes he wears is of another dimension. I wear thicker cotton so you can't see my nipples like a patriot. I fucking love this. Holy shit.

Canadian Patriot, greet these people. What's good, Canada? There you go. Canadian patriot, what's your favorite item on the menu in Canada? 10 bits from Tim Hortons. There you go. Tim Hortons for life, bro! 100% patriot, 100% Canadian.

Yep, 100%. You're batting 1,000 tonight. For those of you that don't know, we always had a patriot, 100% Canadian. Yep, 100%. You're batting 1,000 tonight. For those of you that don't know, we always had a patriot, and now we've replaced him with a new patriot each week. This is our first time ever having a Canadian patriot, so I'm so excited about that. This is 77th episode of Kill Tony, our first Canadian patriot.

Yeah. Okay, they don't seem very proud of that. Yeah, you guys don't have the pride we have in the United States. We're like, USA, yeah! Patriot, you're excited about tonight's show, right? Fuck yeah. Just a thumbs up. Always good for podcasting.

I'm sure those listeners are going to really feel the power of that thumbs up. I fucking love it. Well, I'm excited about this show, too. As always, we have two comics. Unfortunately, they're not going to be able to spend too much time with us tonight, so it's going to be Red Band and I carrying the ship Titanic style,

and by that I mean we are going low. We're going to fuck each other on stage. That is so weird. Like, what makes you think of that stuff randomly? It all just goes back to penis and butt. Whatever. If I eat a veggie sandwich, I'm gay.

But you bring up dicks and butt every seven seconds. Because that's my favorite things ever. I thought it was Olive Garden that you liked. It was sevens or something. Olive Garden can eat my asshole. And my dick and my butt. Wait, can Olive Garden

fuck a bunch of dudes? Alright. Let's bring up our comedian. I got an amazing gift tonight. Look at this. Django Unchained. Somebody brought me the graphic novel same person as my number one episode comic of Adventure Time

thank you for the gifts two people the rest of you sons of bitches can suck it I love the one chick that's lit up in the audience by the way are you watching the live feed of this right now hey how's it going I'm just going to guess that

she's watching it. You stream. The only person. Are you ready to do this, Tony? Put your hands together for our two comedians tonight. Sweden's top comic and a Toronto favorite. Magnus Bettner and John Moses. Here they are. We did the roast with these guys a couple nights ago.

Hi, John. Good to see you. We got to talk about this roast. What did you guys think about that roast? Because I feel like I failed harder than a Chinese phone book. I had fun. Yeah, Magnus. I've been telling him ever since the roast, Magnus just slays.

He just stayed evil. He looks like a Bond villain, and he roasts like a Bond villain. This fucking guy, he just stood there and kept his straight face the entire time. It was one of the funniest roast performances I've ever seen, and I'm such a big fan of roasting. I mean that.

Because he would just be like, you're fucking ugly. And he just holds this pose. It's the best fucking type of thing. No real... It was just a great performance. And John, yours was good too. I hosted the thing. Oh wow, that was a significant

step down. It was. John was also available for tonight. I was going to go jokingly with it, and then I'm like, no, I won't make that joke. And then I ended up right in the middle. So it came across like a real dip. Do you understand that you're like, this is the president of Russia. This is the mayor of Delaware. Well, Russia. This is the mayor of Delaware.

Well, I'd probably be the mayor of Delaware. Coincidentally, Magnus looks like the president of Russia. Yeah. I was so much better on the roast. I was so much better on the roast. Fuck yeah. John Moses and Magnus Banner. Is that real whiskey or is it just props?

No, that's real. It's all you. What do you want? We have Crown Royal. Joe, can we get some cups? Yeah, we can get some cups. I think there's ice in the green room. Yeah.

You could use my Starbucks cup if you don't mind. Oh, God. Put that thing away. I pooped in there. Oh, pooped in there. There's a poop reference. With a clear cup, there's barely anything in it. It's a cup.

It's your cup. I give up. All right. I love that you guys are here. We're going to have so much fun. The party is happening obviously the iPad just jizzed out

some crap no no I just don't have a volume control it's almost normal I love it Iron Patriot do you have any questions? oh yeah Patriot Canadian Patriot I'm very excited about this. Canadian Patriot, do you have any

questions for our guests tonight? I heard you're from Sweden. What's that like? It's pretty much like Canada, but a bit more narrow. Doesn't it seem like it's maybe like Legend of Zelda in Sweden? I think it is.

Have you ever played an Ocarina of Time? No, I haven't actually. Have you ever played a video game? No, I don't do that. Really? I read books. Why do that when I can just kill people and read books? You are so much

better than us, Magnus. I fucking love him. I am a huge Magnus Bettner fan, and I've only seen him do one thing ever, and that was a roast two nights ago. But you have me sold, man. I fucking love your style. You look like every bad guy from the Boondock Saints

and all that shit. But he's hilarious, so it's funny. The principal from Back to the Future. And John Moses. John Moses over there. That's a good one. Moses got in a three-pointer. John Moses, you look like, and I said this at the

roast, that you look like the assistant coach at Penn State that ratted out Jerry Sandusky. You guys remember that guy? Coach McNeary or whatever? McQueary? I love it. We don't have too much time with you guys

because we are in the middle of a crazy Toronto comedy festival and these guys have shows they both have to get off to. So let's get right into it, shall we? Oh wait, did you have a question for John Moses? You have red hair. What's that about? Fucking typical Canadian question. Who writes these guys' stuff, man? This is fantastic.

Just so you guys know, there wouldn't have been a need for a Canadian patriot two weeks ago prior to that Ottawa incident. But now they've got to up security measures so they're buying old equipment from America. In a week, they're going to start rolling in all the Ferguson shit that they're not using there anymore. Was the Ottawa shooter Redhead?

Yeah. Was he really? No, no. No, absolutely not. I got distracted for a second. I tried to guess what the conversation was about. Something about that Canadian shooter the other day that happened. A lot of people say that.

I have a question. Does a Canadian school shooter, does he use an AK-47? I've always wanted to do that in front of a Toronto crowd. I couldn't tweet that the other day. I couldn't figure out how to tweet it properly. I didn't know whether to go A question mark. Like, I didn't know how to translate it all the way. How do you spell the A that you guys say?

Whoa, that's so universal. I asked a carload of people. Fun fact, I asked a carload of dirty Americans and they all had a different response. One was like A-H, one was like E-G-H. I'm like, what the fuck? That sounds like

throat clearing. That's not A. That's... Disgusting. Tony, you know the best thing about being in Canada? What? Is that the Josh Martin of Canada is twice

as horrible at his job than a normal Josh Martin. We have two Josh Martins and none of them are anywhere near where they're supposed to be. Soundboard at all, no. It's so classic. But it's good that just like typical Josh Martins, they were just getting the best angle

in the back of the room. Here he is. Hey, it's like Josh Martin, guys. Guys, give it up for Josh Martin. Why do you walk like a mom in a shopping mall? Did everybody see that walk down the thing with his arms to his sides like he's carrying little sticks or something? What the fuck was that?

It's the worst. Is that how you walk? Walk to the back and then walk back again. Walk. Walk, motherfucker. Walk. No, walk how you walk. Don't try to be funny.

It's Don Notchie. Now you're trying too hard. Walk how you walk, motherfucker. Walk to be funny. It's Don Knotts. Now you're trying too hard. Walk how you walk, motherfucker. Walk back. Walk to me. This is like an introduction to acting class. This is like the worst DUI checkpoint ever. Walk how you walked. You're walking differently now. What's wrong with you?

It's Don Knotts. Why are you trying to be funny? It's funny how you walked the first time. Now it's not funny. All I asked you to do was walk the way that you walk. You can't even fucking do that? Walk, motherfucker. That's a little bit better, yeah.

Okay, now walk. Everybody should be watching this. Okay, now walk back just like that. Like how you started, not with the fucking... Yeah, that's how you walked the first time. He's voguing. That's exactly how you fucking walked. And you knew it the whole

time when you were fake walking because you're like, oh man, everybody always tells me I have a weird walk and it's about to be in the universe. So I'm going to fucking fake cool walk. And that's not, I was going to get it out of you. There's nothing to it. This is going to make for a great podcast.

It is. No, it really is. That's the crazy part. Explain the game, man. Let's explain the game. You know how it works, guys. Comedians, a lot of you signed up tonight. I know it's some people's first time and that a lot of people traveled and this and that.

We got a bucket here. It's the same bucket that we always have. Comedians, sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds on stage of any kind uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up performers when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's way too loud. That's that kitty. That's the kitty that we love. You better stop your set then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Here's

what it sounds like. I hate all of you! Okay, I'm pretty sure Magnus and John have to go to their show now. So let's get it started. You ready for this? Kill Tony, live from Toronto. So much fun.

You have names on pieces of paper. Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Derek Verdunc. Take your time. There's a whole lot of fire hazards going on here, so take your time. Focus.

There you go. Climb your ass up there. That mic right there, Derek. Got it. Derek Verdunc, everybody. Come on. How's it going, guys? Listen, you know, you go to a party.

Parties are fun. Parties in Canada are a lot of fun because lots of things are available that aren't available in the States. You have lots of fun. Hey, man, you have your conversation with your friends. How's it going? Oh, my God, it's crazy, man. What TV shows are you watching? Oh, I'm loving Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones, man. That's so cool, man. I love Game of Thrones. What about Breaking

Bad? Breaking Bad is so badass. And then you're looking at the corner. Oh, my God, fucking Rockford Files are the best show. What the fuck? Who's that guy? I don't know. And then there's this one uncomfortable motherfucker, and he's all all quiet. They're like, oh, yeah, man What show you watching? Oh, I don't watch television. I don't own a television Record scratch right there. You're like now now his problem is our problem. Okay Okay, I'm not judging against people who don't watch TV. Actually. I am I'm sorry Who are these fucking people who are these self-imposed martyrs? You know what I'm saying?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Brought out the bear. There are more bears in Canada. Derek Verdun. Fuck yeah. Nice to meet you, Derek. That's the fastest minute of my life, and I knew that was going to happen.

It was the longest of mine. Fuck yeah, John Moses. Welcome to the show. You get it, huh? I love it. Fuck yeah, you're right in. What are your initial thoughts about Derek's first impression on you, Magnus?

I thought it was a good setup Yeah, he's right That means he's going to cut off your head after the show I'm Magnus' translator, that's what that means Derek, where are you from? I am from Burlington, Ontario, just outside here Heck yeah, you've done stand-up a while? This is my first, very, very first time. Oh, wow. Look at that. That is so cool.

What an amazing venue to have a first time at. Most people are in some weird, goofy place. So you've never done like even an open mic or before? I've done nothing of the sort. What made you want to come out tonight? This podcast kicks ass. Death Squad kicks ass. Canada kicks ass. Stand-up comedy kicks ass. I don't know, man. Lots of things, I suppose.

Is it something you want to do now? It is something I like doing. It's like me and my wife get together and we just riff all the time. You mean all one minute of it? How long have you been married for? Ten years. Holy shit. How old are you? I am 39. Fuck yeah. 39.

Get to do stand-up comedy for the first time. That's so cool. You gotta write jokes, though. Yeah. It's cool going on stage the first time. You're playing like Barbie or something like that right now. But you really need to think every 10 seconds I need to smile at least. Because if I'm watching you more than like 30 seconds and I'm not smiling,

there's something wrong right there. Why didn't you think of that when we roasted Ron? He's still in roast mode. Magnus and John are both still in roast mode. He's my only mode. He's broke. I love the Sriracha hot sauce shirt. Target.

You went to Target. That's great. Did you get that from Target? That's amazing you went to Target. What do you do for you get that from Target? Holy shit. That's amazing you went to Target. What do you do for work? Sorry, I'm an animator. Why'd you apologize for nothing? I'm Canadian. What is the most Canadian thing I've ever seen before?

Sorry. How's that the first word? He didn't even do anything to apologize. I've never seen that before. It's like if you saw a dragon in the sky and you're like, wow, I've never seen one before. It's like if you saw a dragon in the sky and you're like, wow, I've never seen one of those. That's exactly the feeling I have. Sorry.

It's like, what the fuck are you apologizing about? You didn't even do anything. Did your dick fall out or something and we didn't notice? What could you possibly be? I'm sorry. Before I say anything else, I would like to apologize, first of all. Yeah, I agree.

You could do that anytime. You could just apologize all the time. You're waiting for an apology. I'm not going to give it to you. I'm sorry I can't rock a medium shirt like that. He can't not apologize. This guy's so Canadian, he can't not apologize. This is how stereotypes are perpetrated.

Sorry. There you go. Fuck yeah. The spirit of Josh Martin living on through John Moses right now. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fuck yeah. Derek Verdun. That was like 99% set up

and I didn't get where I wanted to go as fast as I wanted. No, we know it was 99%. But I'm not sorry about it. You know what the fuck that was. And that 1% is being generous. It's like waking up in a hospital room and you're missing half your foot. And you're like, oh my god, half my foot's gone.

And the doctor comes in and he's like, we had to take missing half your foot. And you're like, oh my god, half my foot's gone. And the doctor comes in and he's like, we had to take off half your foot. And you're like, I fucking see that, man! So, so, but! No, we know what happened here tonight, Derek. I didn't get an answer. What do you do for work? You just started apologizing

out of nowhere. I do animation for television. Wow. Kids shows. You hide dicks and shit? It's like, hey, everyone learn to breathe. And you're like, dick. I tried that kind of stuff, but it never gets through.

No, seriously. You always, as an artist, have to hide a dick in everything. No, seriously. He just hides apologies in everything. The clouds just spell out, I'm sorry. No, no, no. Because you're not going to be working at that job

in like three or five years. So you want to be able to show that you hit a dick in a kid's show. That's how you leave your mark. You have to. Disney does it every day. I do try sneaking stuff into my work, but it gets caught.

What have you tried to sneak in before? Sorry? What have you tried to sneak in before? What have you tried to sneak into your work? I want to know what kind of glory holes you're drawing on some children's book. Oh, just stupid stuff. You have, say, background characters. You have crowds of characters. Sometimes you try to get a guy to grab the other guy's crotch or

something like that or just try to do it really slow and then you know just hopefully your supervisor doesn't notice it or whatever i had a guy try to grab an ass and stuff like that just little silly things like that wow you like your background characters to be like molesters there's like a yeah yeah kind of creep deep inside you. I'll just let the background characters live my dreams for me. I live vicariously through these pathetic

little characters. Yeah, that's what I just said. You just repeated exactly what I just said to you. Yeah, well, if you're going to keep doing comedy, you should sneak in a punchline. Oh, you son of a bitch. You've been sitting on that one for a while, huh? Just waiting.

He's like, if I don't get this in now, I might not be able to use it later. I've only here for another minute. I know. I can't believe you guys have to go, but what are we going to do? At least we got you on there for a bit. And you guys have to go.

What time is it? I want one more. I want one more. Okay, let's do more. All right, let's do it. Derek, thank you so much. Derek, everybody. You met him. That's Derek. We're going straight to the bucket. Ready?

Your next comedian goes by the name of Jordan Johnston. Be careful coming up here, Jordan. Oh, boy. Be careful, Jordan. Here he comes. Jordan Johnston, everybody. Come on. One more time for Jordan, everyone. Hey, guys. How's it going? Are you ever just amazed by how dumb you can be? I was taking a shower this morning two minutes in and I'm like Did I wash my hair? I couldn't remember and so I felt pretty dumb and it's actually the first time

I've ever done the instruction number three the repeat part lather rinse repeat and Yeah, you only have four things to do in the shower so I couldn't believe that the phrase, time flies when you're having fun everyone knows that as a person with a borderline debilitating fear of death that scares the shit out of me

time flies when you're having fun so now I'm just trying to be miserable everywhere that I go I'm doing Windows updates all the time trying to follow old people in lines. Just, you know, I try to hate my job. I work in sales, so people, I'm always waiting for someone to say yes. So anyway, that's about it.

That's about it. I also try to do bad comedy, too, make my life a little longer. What was that? grab that mic so you're like Tom Arnold of Toronto whoa I've never heard that that's a huge compliment to this guy

thank you I think fuck yeah what did you say at the end about I was going to say that Other things I like to do to elongate my life Is do bad comedy and not get any laughs Oh dude don't shoot yourself in the foot

You got a couple of laughs Yeah you did good You have to fill your minute though Yeah you always got to do your time That's the weird thing Like the first Like the rinse repeat And then the make time or no time to have fun or whatever.

Was those two separate ideas? Yeah, two separate ideas. Oh, okay. All right. Yeah, so you're saying. I just want some clarification. I was just like, because it ended abruptly. And I was like, okay.

It was clunky. I was wondering the same thing. Are you hoping that time doesn't fly? Is that what you're saying? Like you don't want time to go fast because what? Then you'll get older or something? You'll wake up one day and that's it. So maybe you should say something like that in the beginning

to where it's very clear, just that one last thing, where it's like who wants time to fly? If time flies, then that means I'm going to die soon. There could be some tie-in to like the rinse-repeat thing maybe. I agree. There could be some tie into the rinse repeat thing maybe I agree And by the way

I'm looking at it right now You didn't wash your hair Magnus What's your first impression of Jordan Johnston The first part wasn't very funny. But the second part was good. It's actually good.

And I think with a bit of... Where you can pace it a little bit when you don't only have a minute that you don't even feel. You're going to do well with that, I think. If you can expand on it a little bit and take it a bit slower. Thank you. You're feeling like a judge on the X Factor or something now. It's just strange.

Oh, no. This guy looks like he has a lot of Xs, but not X Factor. Maybe one X that he hasn't let go of since high school. Yeah. Do you always dress like a school shooter? What's your story, Jordan? What do you do for work? I work in online marketing.

You ever done stand-up before? Never. This is your first time ever going on stage. Hey. It's like we're like some weird baby. We're like a baby. I have a question. What's the T-shirt underneath that?

I'm underneath my shirt. I'm guessing a heavy metal band, by the way. Yeah, me too. It's a Toronto radio station I used to work at, Q107. What do they play? Classic rock. All right. That's cool.

Come on! I bet you have an ACDC shirt, right? You definitely have a Metallica shirt. No, no Metallica shirt. What's the closest to Metallica you have? Some band probably I haven't even heard of. You probably have a few of those bands. Sometimes you'll just paint black makeup under your eyes

and go out. I'm more of a rap guy, actually. Really? For real. Whoa. That scene from Office Space is playing in my head where he rolls up the window. He's like, oh!

I had dinner at Faux Real tonight. It's right around the corner. We're in Chinatown. I don't want to leave, man. I know, right? It's so crazy. You don't have to leave. Really, you don't. You're a comedian, and it's completely amazing if you're an hour late

to a show. Yeah, if you're an hour late, the audience is going to be like, this guy's going to fucking kill. That's some real fucking... Only Paul McCartney can get away with that. No, it's real shit. It's like, well, I'm 20 minutes early. I'm a comedian. No, you're gonna suck.

Right? No, you're a professional. Hey. Let's get this poor soul off stage and get one more in. All right, that was better. Later was better. Later, Jordan.

Yeah, I think we do. Fellas, man, I would love to stay. Put your hands together for Magnus Bettner and John Moses. They have to run to other shows. You guys all know we're going to have fun. Magnus and John are great. Follow them on Twitter. John Moses, you actually have the John Moses Twitter handle. Am I right? Yeah, I was early on that game. That's crazy, dude. Congrats. And Magnus and John are great. Follow them on Twitter. John Moses, you actually have the John Moses Twitter handle. Am I right? I was early on that game. That's crazy, dude.

Congrats. And Magnus Bettner, that's M-A-G-N-U-S-B-E-T-N-E-R. Extremely funny comedians, guys. Honestly. Guys, thanks so much, man. I was gonna go with no panelists tonight, but they were so funny at the roast that I invited them to swing by for as long

as they could because they're really funny dudes. I wish we could have gotten to hang out with them more. I took ecstasy tonight. No, you didn't. But it's Canadian ecstasy. Who cares? It's not going to work.

It was a hostess cupcake. That's Canadian ecstasy. It's a double-double. Get a name, bro bro Let's do it Taco Bell What? Why do you keep saying Goldust sir? Because Goldust is mad at me

Wait wait wait Sit on it, relax buddy Brian are you okay? Who roofied Brian? I'm guessing Brian everybody Brian's just taking over, just grabbing names. I love it. You ready for it?

That's the name. Is it right now exactly when you want to do it? Yep. Okay. Sure. Put your hands together for Dave Bastion, everyone. Oh, shit. You guys are in the front row.

Hey, guys. Oh shit, this guy's in the front row. Hey guys, I wouldn't want this thing to hide my slender frame. So, have you ever taken one of those I ate so much crap dinner it's stretching my asshole kind of shits? I always kind of figured that's what anal sex feels like. Well, half the experience. I know I probably shouldn't start with a shit joke, but me and shit have a special relationship. I was born dead choking on my own feces.

So I figure, even if I didn't do good up here, it won't kill me. I've eaten shit before. On another note, I don't really wear bling, not into it. I like belt buckles, though. See, these pretty boys got it all wrong. They're wearing it on their neck. They're wearing it on their wrist.

I got girls looking right above my dick. And once I got their eyes, soon they spread those thighs. Fuck yeah. 50 seconds. Thank you. I like your style, man. You do stand-up a lot?

First time. Oh my god. Really? Oh, damn! You're gonna kill, dude. Yeah, you gotta do it more. What do you do for work now? I actually moved down here

this past weekend. Looking for work. Down here? Where the fuck are you from? There's nothing up from here. I crawled out of the toilet. Who the fuck were you working with? Santa Claus? Like, what the fuck is up from here?

Oh my god. I was about an hour north you must have been a crab fisherman that's the only other option that's all that I know that happens up there either that or you're an Eskimo hey when you eat shrimp and there's that poop trail

do you just like scarf it down I can't say I have it's a pretty tiny trail I'd imagine a guy that looks like this does lines of those tube trails. This guy looks like a fucking lumberjack meets the child molestee. You look like the kid that gets molested

and a lumberjack cross. You have a baby face with a man beard and belly. It's really bizarre. It's like Duck Dynasty if they actually played with little ducks. Yeah. You're like a tough guy, but a little baby at the same time. Do you sleep in a big crib?

Just a big bed. Do you drink a lot of milk? No. You don't drink milk? You seem like you would. I probably should. You seem like you would. Milk's expensive.

Where do you get your calcium from? Just eating the bones of the animals that you eat? I guess so. You even laugh like a little kid. Look at you. You just have this little giggle. You can't even control it. I'm giggly.

Your everything doesn't match your it. I'm giggly. Your everything doesn't match your look. It's so interesting. I feel like you took over your dad's body and then came to this show tonight. You're like, I want to do this show, but I look too much like a baby. Dad, let me get in your body. And you just did some fucking

spell that you found at the Lumberjack Library. What do you do for a living? I've always done something in construction. Construction. I can tell. You've got a big hammer. I'm good at lifting heavy things. We can see your ass crack

when you're fucking doing the hammer. That's why I tuck in the shirt. Do your friends ever invite you? By the way, I feel like underneath those jeans it's just like a baby onesie, the hammer. That's why I took in the shirt. Do your friends ever invite you? By the way, I feel like underneath those jeans, it's just like a baby onesie. The buttons, like the shirt actually connects at the bottom with some kind of clip.

He's such a baby. Of course you're in construction. You're like Bob the Builder. This is a giant man baby. I've never gone off on a man baby run like this. It took this guy to inspire it from me. I'm like 12 jokes in on this fucking goo goo

gaga fucking train conductor. You know what I do with this guy? I want to go to a holiday inn and go into the pool and hold you in the pool and dip your head like a baby.

That's what I want to do. Have you ever been back? You would need the water's help to hold me. You would need a what? The water's help to hold me. The water's help. All right. Float, I'm heavy.

You have an accent of somebody far north from here. So how far north are you from? Just about an hour. Just a boot an hour. A boot. Patriot, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, what's an hour north from here? I'm not sure.

I don't know. If you had to guess what was an hour north from here, what would you guess? Probably not a whole lot. That's a good guess. He's right. That's why I moved down here. Right. So, like, what do you – you have a marijuana belt, so you smoke pot.

I'm a fan. You're wearing, like, the Intercontinental Championship of marijuana right now. I don't know. It's like diamond studded. I could totally tell you got that at one of these like shady tourist shops. And right now you're not looking at my neck or my wrist. Your neck or your wrist? My joke was about my belt buckle.

Oh, I already forgot about your jokes, dude. I have the memory of a... Taco Bell. Yeah! Taco Bell's a new sponsor, by the way. Diet Coke, thank you. Starbucks, thank you. Chef Elise Lane couldn't make it here tonight. We love you, Chef Elise Lane.

The girl with the pan. Oh, that's the bird of truth. We should get another comic out here. Oh, you know what? I like the bird of truth, but that does inspire a question that I like to ask sometimes. I call this the run... The bird of truth's

fucked up. I like to call this question the Ron Funches question. What scares you? What scares me? I was pretty scared of this actually, but it seemed to go well. What else scares you? I'm talking about what are you actually scared of that you wouldn't

want people to know that you're scared of? Like something weird. Is it spiders? Is it your mom? Is it you know being told that you look like a man baby? What scares you? Well that was a new one but There's nothing that scares you? I really can't think of anything.

Come on dude. What are you afraid of? The IRS? You don't have an IRS up here. I on, dude. What are you afraid of? The IRS? You don't have an IRS up here. I don't know. What do you guys do for taxes? You just, like, throw money in the street? Like, oh, everything's good.

I'm sorry. Just give it to everybody, whoever wants it. I've never done taxes, so I'm kind of scared. You have, like, leprechaun accents now. Like, oh, just throwing money away. I've never done my taxes, so I'm kind of scared to do that. Never? Never.

What the fuck? So you're saying that I nailed it when I said IRS. I guess. Holy shit. But I don't really think about it enough to be scared, but when I do it, it might scare me to find out what happens. Fuck yeah. I'll tell you what scares me.

People that look like you fantastic Dave how many people here used to watch pro wrestling by any chance wow a lot of people you remember a guy named Bastion Booger Dave's last name is Bastion and you sort of look like Bastion Booger

Yeah Anyway, Dave, are you any relation to Bastion Booger? I don't think so Do you have big areolas? Of course he does I actually do Of course, two 12 inch pizzas They're pink, right?

Very pink Pepperoni pizzettes, 12 inches Little personal pans or something Probably like 8 inches Uncooked He's got 12 inches. Little personal pans or something. Probably like 8 inches. Uncooked. He looks like if Ryan Mervis got cancer for three months. He does. He super does.

Which is our much bigger version of you. He's much more obese. So you're doing good. I recently lost 60 pounds. Wow. Really? Really? Oh, you are Ryan Mervis then. Have you met Ryan Mervis? I don't 60 pounds. Wow, really? Really? Oh, you are Ryan Mervis then. Have you met Ryan Mervis?

I don't think so. You lost 60 pounds? How did you do that? Shaped some of that beard off? Basically just stopped eating pizza for every meal and started doing push-ups. That's a good diet, the old have common sense diet. Tony, we can agree that we've been here for,

this is my second or third night here in Toronto. The only thing open after, like to eat, is pizza. Yep. Right? You guys are fucked up on pizza, bros. Like, seriously. That's bullshit. Every night I've been like,

I just want to sleep, but I have to eat, and it's only pizza. You can't live on pizza, guys. Or you'll be very fat. These are all pizza fucks. By the way, that's absolutely fucking true because I can't eat pizza and it's the only thing that's open late night around here.

And so I end up having to fucking like, everywhere else I go, it's fine, except for Toronto. But it's only during the week. These people don't do anything during the week. We're really weak. There's a big difference between America and Canada that I've noticed because i've

been to both a lot and fucking you guys don't do much during the week and you don't know what i'm talking about because you're you see you can't possibly fathom my perspective all you can do is know why would he say it if he was bullshitting? The truth is, you guys, we go every night. Every night. And L.A. goes every night. New York City goes every night. Most cities pretty much go every night. Toronto,

Monday through Thursday, nothing. There's nothing going on here. What do you do on a, for example, just tell us before you go Dave tell us what you did on a random night like last night starting about 6pm what were you doing

well it wasn't 6pm but because I'm in Toronto you're telling me that you didn't have a 6pm yesterday you're the only guy in the world that just bypassed 6pm sorry dude I go from 559 to 601 like that. My film roommates

brought me to this spoken word poetry thing where they were raising money for a film. How many fingers did you have in your butthole? A spoken word what? Spoken word poetry to raise money for a film. Did you do spoken word poetry?

They probably didn't raise a lot. I went up on stage and played harmonica for a guy that did spoken word. Of course you play harmonica. We loved you in Blues Traveler, man. Of course you fucking played the harmonica. Oh, shit. Guys, ladies and gentlemen, Ron Jeremy. I cannot believe I didn't fucking guess that, by the way. Ron Jeremy! I cannot believe

I didn't fucking guess that by the way. That would have been one of my I mean, I was so fucking close, but I did just I totally would have guessed that. That you look like the kind of guy that would play a harmonica, and if you would have fucking pulled that out, I would have just stage

dope for the first time in Kill Tony history. I would have just ran out as hard as I can. Dave, I like your fucking style. You're a cool guy. Thank you. So this is your first time doing stand-up ever as well. Very first. That's un-fucking-believable. What are we doing? We are the puppy mill of stand-up comedy.

Yeah, I would like to see the second one. Unfortunately, I don't live in Toronto, but I would love to see you progress. Bring Kill Tony back. But the thing is, it's making the audience feel comfortable and being silly.

And it seemed like for your first time, that's exactly what happened. Like, I felt comfortable. I thought you were silly enough. I would like to see what else you have to say. So, good job Dave Bastian there he goes he's on Twitter at BigJabe6669

wow the old uh alright guess he's a devil worshipper everybody maybe I should take back those 37 insults I laid out on him before there's a very skinny voodoo doll made tonight world's skinniest voodoo doll the Tony H a very skinny voodoo doll made tonight.

World's skinniest voodoo doll, the Tony Hinchcliffe voodoo doll, everybody. Fits in your pocket. Fuck yeah, Dave Bastian. Wow, front and center. Hell yeah. Front row. You know what that song means. Our iPad's gone crazy again.

This is so much fun. Patriot, how you doing over there? Doing good. How much maple syrup? How much do you love maple syrup? Love it quite a bit. Love it quite a bit, of course, because he's a Canadian patriot.

Put your hands together for your next comedian. His name is Justin McLeod. Take your time, Justin. It's very, very... Okay. There's a fucking lawsuit waiting to happen. Hey, what's up, everybody? I'm Justin McCloud. You guys ever treat your dick like a cookie?

Ever do that? I don't mean you put it in a bag to keep it fresh. That won't work. I certainly don't mean you cram it in your kid's mouth when he starts crying, either. You guys are sick. I can't believe you think of that shit. Jesus. Happened to me the other day, though,

because I was preparing some hot peppers, and I forgot about it, and I got a little romantic with myself, and next thing you know, I felt like I stuck my dick in a hill full of fire ants, right? But I'm a thinker. I'm a smart guy. I started thinking, what works when I eat hot peppers might also work when I fuck them, right? But I'm a thinker. I'm a smart guy. I started thinking what works when I eat hot peppers might also work when I fuck them, okay? So I cram my dick in a glass of milk like a stale

biscotti. I don't know if you guys know what biscotti is. It's a white cookie, seven inches long, hard as a rock. About this time though, my girlfriend walks in. I'm like, ah, shit. She caught me doing something dumb and high with my dick again. Not the case. She was very impressed. She was like, whoa. That's a lot of cum. Not sure why it's in a glass, though.

I've been at work all day. You drink it. Nailed it. That's the in the prematurely ejaculating West Hollywood Bear. Justin, this is not your first time doing stand-up comedy.

You've been doing it for quite a while. Yeah, two years deep. He's really good at being a stand-up comic. You're probably one of those people That need to get the fuck out of Toronto And like Become a successful comic

What's your story man? I'm from Detroit Oh you came here from Detroit? Yeah I drove out from Detroit Holy shit Wow You made the trip for this? Yeah yeah just for this Just for this? Yeah, yeah, just for this.

Just for this? Yep. You came from Detroit? Yep. How far of a trip is that? About five hours. Wow. Holy shit, that is so cool.

Thanks. Well, you did a great job. Thanks a lot. What's your story, man? What do you do for work? I'm an electrical engineer. Why do you laugh like that after you say it? He's been shocked, dude.

It's like he said that he's some kind of like, you know, I'm a clown for deaf kids. It's like electrical engineers are no laughing matter. I'm a heart surgeon. It's like, what? Please stay away from my electrical whatever. I'm not really known our charm or wit at all Okay, you always laugh after everything you say

We're not really known for our charm or our wit It's so creepy I'm gonna fuck you Oh wow, you can see You're the one wearing the goth t-shirt underneath that t-shirt Fuck yeah, man I have thath t-shirt underneath that t-shirt.

Fuck yeah, man. I have that same t-shirt. It sucks. I feel like he broke into my house, killed and raped my girlfriend after she was dead, and stole my shirt, and then traveled to Toronto. I love your look tonight, by the way. You look like the death squad cat got a Smurf pregnant. It's fucking adorable. Thank you.

You guys sort of have the same blue look going on. Are we playing softball after this or something? What's going on? Am I not on the blue team? No, really? There's nothing I could give you advice for because you're a good comic. It sucks when good comics come to this

show because it's like, no, you're just a good comic. Get out of here. By the way, it does not suck when good comics come to this show. If you just listen to that part, that was him just reading lines for a part that he's working on this week. Justin, let's talk about something

that could be funny that you're not talking about. What do you talk about when you're on stage? Me? A bunch of dick jokes, fucking cookies. Is that your whole thing? Dicks, pussy jokes, some racial shit. None of it. He always laughs.

They can't not laugh. Just like the other guy couldn't start something without apologizing, he just laughs afterwards. I did the same thing. Who cares? Nothing that's going to get me an MC gig, really. What? You can't be dirty. You always laugh.

I love that. It's the most adorable thing ever. I'm nervous. How old are you? Fuck. How old are you? Me, I'm 31. 31.

Interesting. Everybody looks young tonight. Justin, so let's talk about something that could be funny that you're not talking about. What's your relationship with your parents like? I'm not talking to my mom. Perfect. Here we go. What happened? I tried to get her to donate to a charity I was raising money for,

and then she just got fucking offended when I told her, like, a dollar would be not enough. So, like, what was the charity for? Is she, like, rich or something? Like, what's the story here? She's got some money. All of a sudden I picture, I picture she's some kind of Downton Abbey lady in some

castle, and you're like, Mom, I have a charity. She's like, Get away from me. I've never admitted you were one of my children. One of those things where it's like, I don't even claim you. Were you born out of incest? No. You can tell by his

cheeks, his apples. He's like a little baby Lannister over here. He's got pears where they're supposed to be apples, you know. They look more like grapefruits to me. Justin, do you eat a lot of fruit? No, not really. I can tell. So this thing with your mom, how did it happen?

What went down? After you said a dollar's not going to be enough, what's the charity for? It was a Make-A-Wish Foundation. So why are you asking her for a dollar? Because my cousin is going to die. She should give me some money. So why are you giving it to Make-A-Wish? Why wouldn't you just give it to your cousin?

Are you sure you weren't just asking your mom for money so you could buy pot? God damn it. Is this what happened and you just said it was a Make-a-wish and now you like believe your own lie? Oh wow, you're hitting the e-cig. You went from so nervous you were giggling to fucking Pepe Le Pew up here. Look at this. Look how quick everything changes.

This is hash. Right, of course. Oh wow, just admitting it like that. Wow. We live in like a totally different age than we used to live in back in the day. Back in the day, if you used to say that on a stage, cops would just stampede you, dude.

Justin, okay. You're not talking with your mom because she wouldn't give money because your cousin's dying. Now, is this a cousin on your mom's side or not on your mom's side? It's on my mom's side. Oh, this cunt. So she didn't end up giving anything? No, no. I was like, I don't even want your money. And I quit talking to her.

So then you didn't want her money. You did not want her money before. Yeah, I did. I did want it before. Yeah, you wanted it really good. I did. Fuck yeah, you wanted to fuck your mom. Admit it right now, Justin, on this podcast. I do. There you go. All right, well, you know, that's some interesting shit, the charity thing. It took a left turn.

Maybe just make up something about why you don't talk to your mom. Do you talk to your dad? Yeah, I do. What's his story? He's an engineer too, right? No, no, he's a tin smith. He's a what smith? A tit smith? He's an engineer too, right? No, no, he's a titsmith. He's a whatsmith? A titsmith? He just bronzes tits all day?

What is this fucking job? I know what a titsmith is. My dad was one too. No, he was not. What do you mean your dad was one? No, no, titsmiths go to creeks and they compare turquoise together. You guys know what turquoise is? It's a mineral.

So imagine if your dad was really into turquoise. Yeah. Me and this guy's dad compare turquoise together in creeks. Everybody else just get dizzy? What? Okay, so a tinsmith. A titsmith? TIT? Get the fuck out of here.

Are you fucking with me? What does a titsmith do? Plastic surgery. What the fuck? Oh, I see what you're saying. I thought that was literally something. So your dad's a plastic surgeon, and your parents are still married. No, they're divorced.

So he's a plastic surgeon, and your parents are divorced. He's actually a tin smith. Why are you farting around? What the fuck is he, dude? What's going on here? What are we playing, some kind of improv game or something? I'm asking you a question. What does your dad do for work?

Is it Rob Ford? Is that why you're not telling us? He's retired. What did he do? He was a it Rob Ford? Is that why you're not telling us? He's retired. What did he do? He was a tin smith. A tin smith. Yes. What the fuck is a tin smith?

We're right back to where we started. What are you going to tell me now? Oh, he just builds the tin man one time. I was just kidding. Come on, man. Yeah. What's a tin smith? They make stuff out of sheet metal.

I can see why he's retired. I'm pretty sure that job went out of style back then. All the other smiths. The black smith. Cutlery smith. I made that one up. Justin, I love you. Thank you so much. Guys, give it up for Justin.

What's his Twitter? He's on Twitter at jibtron underscore zero. There he goes. You wanted to make sure that I got that off, right? Elvis has left the building. Is it McLeet or McLeod? McLeod or McLeod? Say it. Hello. He's not even listening.

Oh, McLeod. Okay. Fuck yeah. He laughed after he said that, by the way. He's at jibtron. J-I-B-T-R-O-N underscore zero. Wow, that's crazy. So we've had three Canadian first-timers and an American.

Sweet. From the Motor City, which makes sense because he can motorboat people. Oh, nothing on that? Okay. I guess that's that one part where I say something funny that just doesn't get anything. Everybody's daydreaming at the same time. I get it. It's good bone structure, people, but just stay in the pocket. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Sean Chesterfield.

A little bag of bones been out all night A little bag of bones been out all night One more time for Sean Chesterfield, everybody. Come on. Can you hear him? Scratching at the screen, don't you? Can you hear him? All right. I'm not a comedian, so I'm just actually going to tell a story. And it actually happened to me today. Yeah. I smoke a lot of pot. I don't buy groceries and I was hungry and I wanted to make donuts. So all I had was pancake batter, vegetable

oil, and maple syrup. So I ended up putting oil in a pot, heating it up, apparently not enough, and pouring in pancake batter, and then it kind of fried, and then I ate it, and now I feel like I want to die, because the inside of my stomach has this layer of oil that's just sitting there awkwardly now, and I don't know if I'm going to shit myself or puke, so I just kind of sit in the back and chuckle and hope

this doesn't end up being the podcast that you guys have where I shit myself and I could have just bought donuts but I don't know all these food shows I just felt inspired and now I feel really fucking gross I probably should have just jerked off to

the back pages there you go. Sean Chesterfield. Wow. So talk in the mic when I ask you questions, okay? Sean, first thing that you said is that you're not a comedian, but that you're just going to talk about something that happened to you today. What made you sign up then?

Why not? It wasn't a good reason. So, like, would you have signed up if the show was yesterday and that didn't happen to you, the donut thing? Probably not, no. So you just wouldn't have signed up. Yeah. But that donut thing happened and you really feel like you're going to shit your pants. Or something. And when you walked in the front, you felt like you were going to sort of shit your pants.

And you're like, I got gotta shit my pants a little bit. Instead of using the restroom, I'm gonna sign up for this show and just talk about having to shit my pants. I can't use the restroom that's right here where I'm signing up because then if I take a shit, I won't have anything to talk about. This night could be crazy to where instead of shitting, I could just talk about almost shitting my pants.

I love his shirt. It's so digital. Look at it. What was that word his shirt. It's so digital. Look at it. What was that word? Digital? It is so digital? He's got a digital shirt. Fuck yeah, he does. Sure, absolutely.

Fuck yeah. Everybody's a little bit chunky tonight, huh? Looks like this isn't the first day you improvised donuts, my friend. Holy shit. I get the feeling this is't the first day you improvised donuts, my friend. Holy shit. I get the feeling this is not your first fucking fat rodeo. You know what's cool is that I have... I know exactly what you did.

You just signed up like, hey, why not? And you did it. And for the first time in your life,'re like, holy shit I did comedy tonight. And tomorrow you're going to be like, holy shit I did comedy tonight. And you're going to realize comedy is the best job in the whole entire world.

What do you do for work? Sales. What are you selling? Donuts? No. Retro toys. Retro toys? Really? What's like a cool retro toy? You have anything like Ghostbusters or what are you talking about? Old toys. Retro toys? Yeah. Really? What's like a cool retro toy? You have anything like Ghostbusters? Or what are you talking about? Like old toys that were once made?

Like 90s, 80s, yeah. Do you remake the toy or you just put out the toys that have already been made that are old? Just resell the toys that were already made. That's great. You have any Peter Venkman's? Yeah, actually. Really? Yeah.

All right, cool. I'll give you my address after the show. That's how quick you fucking get a Venkman. Who doesn't want a bankman? Whoever doesn't want a bankman can get the fuck out of this room right now. If you ain't down with... Hell yeah.

That shirt is digi-tel. You're like 3D. You're built outward. You go straight out. There's not much on the sides. You're just like outward like you go like straight out there's not much like on the sides you're just sort of like it's almost like you have like octuplets

ready to explode out of you it's sort of like a fuck yeah so you had pancake donuts today what did you have for dinner after that that was the last thing I ate before I came here I bet it was that's what they're going to be saying for a long time. That was his last meal.

So like, what did you eat for dinner yesterday? Was that like a normal diet? Like, are you just always trying to make something out of something? No, I went to a restaurant, but yeah, it was normal. What restaurant did you go to? It was called Mi Va Mi. Mi Va Mi. What happened? Anything crazy?

Did you have lamb shish kebab? No. Everything went normal? What did you get crazy? Did you have a lamb shish kebab? Did you have a lamb shish kebab? No. Everything went normal? What did you get? What did you plan? Lamb shish kebab. A lamb shish kebab. Come on.

You love shitting your pants, don't you? I mean, lamb shish kebab is just like, it's like playing craps with the devil. You know what I mean? Literally. Craps. Because it's crap your pants. See what I did there? So, you know,

I mean, what I'm trying to get at is maybe there's something, you know, with food with you. Maybe you can have like a hilarious comedy cooking show or something where you try to make donuts out of shit. I think it's cool that you actually dig comedy, man. That's really cool that you just dig comedy. That's amazing cool that you just dig comedy.

That's amazing. Maybe think about it next time you do it, right? Obviously, you have a real go-get-em type of fun-having attitude. I bet you're the kind of guy that always sings a song if you go out to karaoke, right? No, not at all. Oh, okie-dokie. What else have you done that's fun lately?

Anything? It's fun? No, not really. Okie dokie. Sean Chesterfield, everybody. Give it up for Sean. He's on Twitter at one Chesterfield. Is that right?

The number one Chesterfield. That's him. What, did Canada get Twitter first? These guys all have such common Twitter names. I know. John Smith won. It's like, what? You're John Smith won? It's like, what? You're John Smith 1?

It's fucking crazy up here. I love it. We're getting through people. This is interesting. Put your hands together for Liam Patrick. What's up, everybody? out of the past. And the bitch said something to make me mad. She said something that I couldn't believe. What's up, everybody? I broke my phone recently. I dropped it. I cracked it into a million pieces. People told me, you got to get a case. You got to use protection. But it just doesn't

feel as good. People are like, you fuck around without a case. I forgot the rest of the joke. You fuck around without a case. I forgot the rest of the joke. You fuck around without a case. You could end up breaking your phone, or worse, end up adding a line to your family plan. I can't afford to do either,

so usually I opt to pay the early termination fee right up front. You can usually terminate it for the first, like, six months of your contract, I think. And sometimes they'll let you do it at the kiosk, like, right at the mall. Breaking your phone is a lot like breaking up with your girlfriend.

You've been together for two full years You can't get it to turn on anymore And the front is completely busted Wow, Liam Patrick Fuck yeah That's very, very funny, man So, you're Canadian Not a chance

Really? Where are you from? Buffalo, New York. Holy shit. And how long have you been doing stand-up? Buffalo and Toronto. He was so proud to not be from Canada, yet way too proud to be from Buffalo. I'm like, holy shit.

I'm like, holy shit. We had somebody come all the way from Manhattan, New York. This is going to be incredible. And he just goes, that's right, Buffalo. And everybody's just like, boo. That was insane, your Buffalo confidence. Fuck yeah, man, you love that place, huh? You're never leaving Buffalo.

Just the king of Buffalo. You're just going to keep crushing in Buffalo. Fuck yeah, man. So you're born and raised in Buffalo. This is your first time out of Buffalo. Right? A little bit. A little bit.

Oh, that's so funny. How old are you? 25 today. Wow. Happy birthday cool is that this is like some kind of crazy episode what's crazy is like tv shows try to produce shit to make stuff organically happen like they try so hard you would never believe they cast and they cast and they wait and they wait. This show just has an always-developing storyline just out of complete coincidence. I'm literally pulling names out of a fucking bucket. It's like three people's first time,

one guy drove five hours, and it's this serial killer's birthday. Liam, I loved you earlier when you played Magnus Bettner on this podcast. Yeah. So how long have you been on stand-up? About a year. About a year.

And you're doing it all out of Buffalo. Yep. How many spots a week are you doing? Two or three. Two or three. What do you know about number two blades? Number two blades? Yeah.

You don't know much. Okie dokie. There you go. What do you know about number two blades? Number two blades? Yeah, you don't know much Okie dokie, there you go Is that red hair? I can't really tell in this light It is in fact red hair Oh yeah, definitely it is Number two blades Can somebody kill that ginger for me real quick?

Somebody kill the clapping ginger. Slit the old throat. It's so fun to slit a redhead's throat because the red matches with the hair and everything. They have a mustache. It's just hilarious because then the nose looks like the throat because there's red underneath the nose. And then usually they always try to like at the last second like their last words is the gurgling is happening like through the hole they're always like why just because i have red

hair yeah is it only because of my red hair really it's so great and then it's just That's it And then they fart at the end And they take a little red turd Fuck yeah man That's pretty funny I might talk about that from now on

I'm going to do that tonight at Comedy Underground funny. I might talk about that from now on stage. I'm going to do that tonight at Comedy Underground. I'm going to talk about how much I love slitting redheads' throats. I'm just going to keep going about all that shit. I'm going to do that act out at the end. You guys just got to see me write a comedy. How about writing a comedy bit for Tony

once in a while, huh, Tony? Just kidding. We love redheads. Yeah, totally. I'd never slit your throat. Anyway, come here for the VIP part of the show. Liam, I like your style, man. You're a funny guy. Do you ever go down to New York and try anything down there?

I used to fuck an Asian girl who lived in the financial district. All right, dude. Obviously, now that we know that you fuck dudes. New York, I fucked an Asian girl once. It's like, come on, dude. Get to the New York part of the Asian girl talk. We believe you. We all fucked an Asian girl once.

It's the right thing to do? No, it's not the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do? No, it's not the right thing to do. It's the white thing to do. They have the shallowest pussies ever. Asian girls, you're always going to hit a wall. You're not going to have fun. It's horrible. Like, if you want to fuck a real girl, fuck a black girl.

They have vaginas that go on forever. It's like a black hole. It's amazing. Fuck Asian chicks. What's funny is when you first started talking about how shallow the Asian vagina is, I saw in the back corner some white girl who must have the sloppiest vagina, just like, yeah, fuck their little vaginas. White vagina.

She's just clapping her clits together because she has multiple clits because she has such a giant vagina. So this Asian girl you had sex with, this was after a massage? Did you buy her a Pure One? Yeah, what's the story with this? Did it happen a couple times? Was she like, oh, you look funny like a soy sauce bottle. You look like the soy sauce without the low sodium. Is this a match made in...

Fevin? Fevin? What the fuck? Exactly. How did you know that she wanted to have sex with you? Was she just like, she just came into your bedroom and she's like, number 37? All right, what's the deal? How'd you know that she wanted to have sex with you? Was she just like, she just came into your bedroom and she's like, number 37? All right, what's the deal?

How'd you guys meet? I had a friend who was also having sex with an Asian and then we kind of just... Having sex with an Asian? He says it like it's like he fucked a horse or something. Well, I found a friend who's into fucking goats and I'm like, all right, I'm going to live this fantasy out. Do you do that with a brown-haired girl?

You don't. Right. Man, I was hanging out with my buddy. You know, he's a crazy one. He fucks brunettes. I had sex with an Asian, and it was amazing because she had this whole thing on her arm. Are there not Asians in Buffalo or something? You talk about it like it's a fucking unicorn.

We import. I once had sex with an Asian. There's fucking Asians everywhere, man. There's an Asian girl right here. Look at this. Hello. She doesn't even know where she's at right now. She was just drawn in by the samurai sword. But if you look, Tony,

she has that thing on her arm, the thing I was talking about, where the rope was, where she was carried into this country. There's a tan line. Oh, come on. Don't say that about her. She was so nice.

She made the patriot outfit before tonight's show. There's a tan line. It's like a watch for her. She uses it as a watch. It looks like a watch. I love it. Fuck yeah.

All right, good job, man. So do you always wear your mom's sweater out at night, or is this a new thing? This was a birthday present today from my mom. I didn't get the harmonica, but by God, if I didn't get the sweater dead on. Liam, I like your style, man. Thank you so much.

Thank you, guys. Liam Patrick. Oh, I see what you're doing. That's the happy birthday song. The most hip-hop happy birthday ever. For the whitest guy. Like, he has fucking a red mop on his head he's like that's what ronald mcdonald looks like after a long day at work you know tony just white and

red hair just sloppy and stoned you know tony yes yes brian redman you usually like to ask this question to other people but uh was there like something that you used to do when you first started doing comedy that really embarrassed you, that you're like, I can't believe I did that? I'll tell you one. This is an interesting one. When I first started stand-up comedy, I lived with my older brother, who's lived in LA for quite some time, and he's so funny. Both of my older brothers are hilarious.

And anyway, when I started doing stand-up a few times on stage, I did a joke that I thought was something that he just came up with, but it wasn't something he came up with. It was a street joke, and I didn't realize that I was doing a joke that other people had seen or known, even though it's a really short joke. Actually, I have to stand up to do it. I'm going to stand up real quick. Do it.

Do you guys mind if I stand up? Stand up. I can't believe I'm talking about this, but I guess when in Rome. So I used to do, the very first few times I did stand-up, I would do this terrible joke. Hold on, let me think if I can remember it. Okay. Okay. And some of you may have heard this before, because like I said, it was a street joke.

I didn't know that. When my brother told it to me, I thought that he was just crushing, and I thought it was the funniest thing. He goes, what's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Well, Neil Armstrong, he walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson, he fucked little boys. And I did that on stage my first few times doing stand-up, and it fucking crushed every time. And then somebody came up to me, and they're like, I've heard that before.

And I'm like, oh, you must know Donnie Hinchcliffe. And they're like, what? No, I heard of him from some fucking guy. What the fuck, Tony? You should still be doing that. That should be your closer. What the fuck? But it is so funny, right? I mean, it's the ultimate misdirect.

Yeah, exactly. Like, for some reason, you totally think I'm going to say Walk Down the Moon, but no, he fucked little boys. That bastard, Michael Jackson, he did that, even though we love him. Yeah. Fuck yeah, drop a bottle if you love me. Hey, you know, Tony, we're about almost out of time, but we should get a couple people out.

We have a whole bucket still of people in this audience. Fuck yeah, that's exactly what we're going to do. Let's do it. You guys ready for your next comedian? Put your hands together for Jamie Villeneuve. Be careful, Jamie. There he is. Get it, get it. Until you check it. I can't wait. There he is Yeah So almost tripped

I can't wait how close he was to tripping I've been warning people all night Fucker almost nosedives Jamie Villeneuve everyone How's it going? I was making breakfast I wanted to have cereal All my dishes are dirty Because I don't want to grow up, okay?

And so I take one bowl, all right, and I wash it. And instead of, like, drying it with, like, a towel like an adult might do, I, like, wave it in the air, like, so that maybe it'll drip dry or some shit. And it hits a light that's hanging. And my bowl breaks in half. i have half a bowl in my hand and i said fuck it i'm having cereal anyways and i just kind of put the bowl on like a 45 degree angle and i cradled it you know like baby Jesus, you know what I mean? And I realized that later, technically, that that's a balanced breakfast,

you guys. An applause break on Kill Tony, oh my god. Well, I mean, it was sort of an applause break. I tried to pump it up. You said applause break, so then what? Don't chop me at the knees. Oh, Tony!

Look at that. Come on, Tony. You ruined it. The serial strip. I never interrupt people, but you can just say, oh, getting an applause break on Kill Tony. It's like you're obviously just talking to yourself

in the future. No, no. The Jamie that's going to listen to this podcast is like, wow, I fucking got an applause break. Just let it happen. I was pumping it up. Jamie, relax your energy. Settle down.

Sometimes I'll do this. What have we learned here tonight from so many of these Canadian comics is they will improvise a breakfast in a fucking heartbeat. One guy's making fucking donuts out of everyday household items. This guy's eating cereal out of a fucking his hand. Jamie, what kind of cereal was it? Paint the picture. What kind of milk? What kind of cereal? What was it like pouring the milk in?

Cheerios, 2%. I feel like you're the kind of guy, though, that puts ice cream sprinkles on his Cheerios. What do you put on top of the Cheerios? At least some sugar to start. Strawberries. Bullshit. He's trying to fucking correct what other people didn't do.

And sugar. I just put vegetables on my cereal. You know, some fucking good spinach. I put some kale on my oatmeal. Yeah. Strawberries and sugar. I get the feeling there's a lot more sugar than strawberries in that bowl. Oh, how dare you.

You're really likable on stage. Immediately I see you and I'm like, you know what? Whatever this guy says, I'm going to laugh and have fun with. So that's the best. What Brian's saying is that he's racist. And when he sees a good young white man come up,

he's going to fucking love him. No, of course. He's got a super likable... Not racist. He's 100% lovable. Yeah, he's got that likable baby face. This is what the guy earlier would look like if he didn't have the beard. Big baby Jamie. Oh, okay.

You have a nickname for yourself with all the lady? For all the lady out there that are into him? Yeah. The ladies love him. For all the woman out there that might like this guy? Yeah. The ladies like Big Baby Jamie, yeah. Heck yeah.

The ladies like Big Baby Jamie. So you're the kind of guy that goes into the pile of hot chicks and just grabs the one ugly one that they keep around them to make them feel pretty. Or like when you're at a concert and they're crowd surfing and you just grab an ass. You've done it. You've done it. We need to find you a good fat girl so that you guys can be like a Mike and Molly for Nickelodeon or something. You know what I mean?

Pat Hurt. Pat Hurt. I'm working on my weight. All right, relax, Jamie. Calm down, dude. I was dating a fat chick, and she broke up with me because we met like just... At a Haagen-Dazs?

Where'd you guys meet? Oh, my God. Where'd you guys meet? In the line for a Franz diner? Oh, my God. Oh, look at that. We diner? Oh, my God. Look at that. The girl that broke your heart is calling in right now. Oh, my God.

Oh, there she is. She sounds very mad at you. She's furious. She has junk in the trunk. It's an elephant joke, everybody, if you missed it. Have you ever had a yeast infection? Can

your dick get a yeast infection? Males can get a yeast infection. No, I need to have more sex. A yeast infection is what he calls it when his subway sandwich goes bad. It's got a yeast infection.

You just start saying words every time somebody says something else, don't you? You don't let anything simmer or crowd laugh or anything like that? There you go, Jamie. I like your style. Just complete shutdown after that. So how long

have you been a hockey goalie for? Oh my god. I bet you have so many saves, dude. So this fat chick broke up with you, why? I think it was like when I was on a Tinder date with her.

You were on a Tinder date? Yeah. I figured you guys would be getting grinders. No, Tinder date, right? And. I figured you guys would be getting grinders. No. Oh. No. Tinder date, right? And then I was all like, yeah, fucking making out. I'm going to finger her now, right? Whoa, Jesus.

What kind of fucking, are we talking chicken fingers over here? It's all fat jokes. If you're not laughing, then you're not paying enough attention. I'm killing right now. And should have clipped the old fingernails. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Then vagina bled. Wait, you had fingernails? I had fingernails.

You sliced open her fucking vagina with your fingernails? No, but then she said. Oh, no. I said. Wait a second. Here's what happened. She was on her period and she didn't tell you. No.

Well, maybe. Yeah, that's what happened, bro was on her period and she didn't tell you. No. Well, maybe. Yeah, that's what happened, bro. You didn't slice her up with your fingernails. What kind of fingernails are you dealing with over there? You fucking Freddy Krueger in this shit? What's going on? No, because I play guitar, so sometimes I'll let them grow out. You're a guitarist?

I play the guitar. Holy shit. That's how you got the fat girl in the first place. No, it was Tinder. Don't break my heart. My achy, achy heart. I like this boy. It was all Tinder.

That's my impression of fat girls. It was all Tinder. I like this boy. That's all I got. That's all I got for fat girls. Oh, I think I like this boy. They're always, like, falling in love. They can't just relax for a bit.

Oh, man, this diner's open 24 hours? All right, see what I did there? I took it back to fat again. Jamie. Yeah. Good job, Jamie. What's the skinniest girl you ever hooked up with? I don't know why I'm turning it into a fat girl.

No, she was old. Like, young chicks, fat. ever hooked up with? I don't know why I'm turning it into a fact. No, she was old. Young chicks, fat. The old girl I had sex with, old woman. Why do you say old girl? I don't know. It sounded weird, right? Alright. Relax, baby Kennison. Stop yelling into the mic.

No, she was old and she was thin. How old was she? I don't know. How old do you have to be to have dentures? I don't know. She had six kids. I think that's something.

One of those kids were dead. She already had a dead kid? Holy shit. Five people's moms and one dead guy's mom. Wow. You went from Freddy Krueger to Freddy Cougar. Yeah. All right, fuck it.

Put your hands together for Jamie Villeneuve. Good job, Jamie. He's on Twitter, Jamie Villeneuve. Jamie, J-I-A-I-M-E-V-I-L-L-E-N-E-U-V-E. Fuck yeah. A lot of fat babies on tonight's show. A lot of grown men that look like giant babies.

He was adorable. His apples were to die for. His apples were what? To die for. I don't even know what that means. Apples? What are apples? You don't have apples. You're too skinny.

What are apples? Like your cheeks when they have little apples. Talking about dimples? No, cheeks when they have little apples. Talking about dimples? No, no, you have raisins. You have beautiful raisins, bro. All right, well, I'm pretty sure if lean and healthy means no apples, I'm good with that. Put your hands together for Adam Jacobs. Be careful, Adam.

Fuck yeah. Oh yeah. How's it going? Halloween's over, so that means Christmas is going to be center stage for about two and a half months. And I'm all right with that. I'll take it. But you've got to give it up at some point. You've got to let it go.

You know, people need to start treating Christmas like they're watching porn. You know, you get a lot of leeway. You can go crazy when you're putting up the lights. You got sand on your roof with an igloo, snowmen, but you gotta give it up. You gotta take it down. Like when you're watching porn, you get up and take in some kinky

stuff. You got all the tabs open, but as soon as you come, you close down all the windows. Just like by the time Christmas is over, you rip down all the lights. That's it. Over. That's all I windows. Just like by the time Christmas is over, you're ripped down all the lights. That's it. Over. That's all I got. Thanks. Fuck yeah.

Give it up for the new Grinch, everybody. This guy fucking hates Christmas. He's angry. Holy shit. What are you, Jewish? Jewish? Nah, nah. What's your deal? You love talking with your hands. I like your style with that. You definitely have your own thing going on Gotta try and relax I guess

What's your story man? What do you do? I'm a lawyer and first time doing comedy Holy shit! First time, another one This is crazy There's people at the comedy store that have been doing it like 15 years

that sign up for Kill Tony Everybody tonight it's their first time. That's weird. You seem very angry. Like, are you an angry person in general? Like, do you go home and like beat the shit out of the Tooth Fairy? Like, what the fuck? I'm guessing you're a prosecuting lawyer, right?

A prostitute? You're a prostitute? How much? 40, 80, 100? One prostitute? You're a prostitute? How much? 40? 80? 100. 120 at least? Come on. What kind of lawyer are you? Intellectual property, entertainment law, nerdy stuff.

What was that last part? That's not nerdy stuff. Entertainment law. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, that's fun. You have any good ideas? Not really. You got any? I protect them for you. Really? What does that mean, you protect them? Like copyright

registration, trademark registration. I like that shit. Advertisement here, but probably not ideal. Fuck yeah, you're so nervous. He's talking Canadian laws though, Tony. Like all this shit's like McBeliever. Right.

Come on, they stopped selling alcohol at 9 o'clock here. How's business going in the Canadian intellectual property? Pretty good. We do a lot of... What kind of ideas are Canadians coming up with? Shit ton of pharmaceuticals runs, like, half this country worth of intellectual property. Oh, so it's just like America. Yeah, same...

All your same pharmaceuticals that you guys argue about down there, we have the same arguments up here. It pays good money. Wow, so you're saying you have a lot of money. No, I do not. I just started this shit, but maybe one day. Hopefully.

You just started in law, so you just graduated a bit ago or something? Yeah, in June. Oh, wow, so that's very recent. Yeah. So now you're an entertainment lawyer. Yes. How long did you have to go to school for that? Three years. You did it all in Toronto? London, Ontario.

Wait a second. Three years? Three years law school, four years undergrad. What kind of lawyer are we talking about here? Are you like a paralegal or something? Like there's a big, you know, there's a difference. Do some clown college law. Three year law program. I like that. I guess everybody here's a lawyer then i would sue plaid if i could sue plaid yeah all right fuck yeah i represent you on that

fuck yeah well it looks like you're already counter-arguing yourself i don't think you really understand what plaid means uh Do you always talk with your hands like when you're pitching something like at a big law meeting and stuff? Like, are you like, we need to get the numbers up? Like, stuff like that. Yeah, it's a little more persuasive, I guess. Iron Patriot, what do you think about this guy?

Pretty good for the first time. You faggot. Yeah, what made you want to come out tonight? What made you want to do it? Did you always want to do stand-up? Who are some of your favorites? Yeah, look, I guess the podcast got me into trying to write some jokes, and I tell them to my friends, and they always tell me that they suck.

So I thought if I got on stage, maybe I could get a couple out. He turned into Jerry Seinfeld, guys. When I thought I was going to get on stage And then I was going to do this thing What is the deal With it all coming our way Adam, I like your style We're going to fly through the next couple people Great job tonight, Adam Jacobs

His first time ever on stage, people No other show gives you that You know how nervous And in your head you are when you're going on stage for the first time ever? Fun fact, I was so excited my very first time on stage that I forgot everything that I had prepared. Everything. That's a three-minute set at the comedy store,

and I prepared for a month for just three minutes, and I forgot everything. So I just started riffing, and it turned out really good. And that's when he got AIDS. Yeah, I have AIDS, everybody. Again, this is because I don't have extra weight attached to my body. It's so warm here. Put your hands together for Jordan Thompson.

Ooh, could this be a black guy? That sounds like a black name for Jordan Thompson. Ooh, could this be a black guy? That sounds like a black name. Jordan Thompson. Nope. Oh, he's got a black girlfriend. I know Jordan. Jordan Thompson. I was close.

Jordan Thompson, everybody. What's up, everybody? I'm new to stand-up comedy. I'm looking for ideas about jokes I watch the news a lot and today I guess a fucking coy wolf was loose in Mississauga and that sounds like it's like

bright, cute, and orange and fluffy and shit but no, it's a wolf and a coyote that's kind of fucking an abomination. Fucking nature doesn't make that shit naturally. Somebody made that in a fucking lab. And this thing should be hunted down, fucking shot, and then drug through town by a pack of chihuahuas. drug through town by a pack of chihuahuas.

I took a spill the other day. That's why it looks like I was in a fight. I got a black eye and a broken nose right now. I did that because I tripped and hit a bench that's kind of a chest. I was by myself. But I heard the cat so... Fuck yeah, Jordan Thompson. What was the first, okay first of all, I noticed that the very first thing you did on stage, and I don't know, I'm pretty sure none of you guys could see this, but it was pretty epic.

The very first thing he did as he grabbed the mic from the mic stand, he scratched his butt. It was great. Because it released a smell that only we could smell. You scratched your left butt cheek. Don't say what, like, you might not have noticed. You sure didn't pull on my pants? Dude, don't pants pull up me.

There's no back, I know what a butt scratch is. I wouldn't throw you under the butt scratch bus like that. You know you scratched your left butt cheek. And if you don't know, then you have a serious problem with butt scratching. And you're not even aware. The first step is acknowledging that you have a butt scratching problem. Is it a little furry right now? I have a problem.

So what happened? You saw a coyote fucking a goat? Like, what? I was so confused Because the butt scratch had me I had to tell Brian that he scratched his butt Did you see that? And I was like, I smell it

It was like syrup Beautiful Toronto syrup So a coyote fucked a what? At least my ass smells decent Alright Jordan, stay on the path buddy Listen to the questions. Jordan, what were you talking about?

It's a coy wolf. It's a coyote wolf hybrid. How many C's does coy have in it? What did you just say? C-O-Y. I was like, coy. Wolf. A coy wolf.

So what are you telling us? This is like National Geographic comedy you're doing over here. I guess so. I guess fucking so. The coy wolf stepped up to the coyotes and the chicken crossed the road. I just figured it was somebody's pet that got loose. Was that a coyote noise? Yeah.

And you just made that with your mouth. I didn't know you could do a coyote. I did. A coyote come to my mouth once and I can make the noise now. So Jordan, and then you're talking about animals for a while and then you said chihuahuas, which is a funny word, so that got a few chuckles. And then you got into this accident that happened. Yes. You broke your nose and you slipped on the floor. Yes, and cracked my head

open. Where did this happen at? In my apartment, which is my mother's basement. Do you understand? Do you understand? It sounds like somebody threw you down the stairs. Like you're being abused right now by a woman. Yeah, my mother. Your mother. You're dating your mother.

How old are you, Jordan? I am 27. 27. Now you thought about that for a second before you said it. My birthday is in December. Are you doing the I live with my mom, take four years off your actual age and you're 31, but you don't want to admit that because you know that's exactly what I'm asking for

to tell you that you have to move out of your mom's place? Oh, believe me, I know I need to move out of my mom's place. Does she ever bust your balls about it? Is she like, Jordan! Jordan, you need to get your shit together! No, it's the reverse. When I bring up moving out,

she's like, no, it's not gonna happen. She wants you to stay there. Yeah. She's afraid of having an empty nest. She's Sicilian. Oh, yeah. She's one of those. Fuck yeah, she's full bush. Now, you told me earlier you have an undeveloped child that you carry around on your pocket that you keep in this glass thing.

He had a baby that was born premature, and he keeps it in this little glass thing that he just put in his pocket that you guys can see now. You dressed it up. I noticed if you look close at it... No, in the glass thing. I think you're thinking of somebody else. He doesn't know what you're talking about.

Do you have a premature baby in your pocket, Jordan? I don't have a baby in my pocket. Let's go on to the next guy. Oh, my God. Brian. You're hilarious. I think we only have one more person. Yeah, we have one more person.

That's crazy. Jordan, fun times, man. Watch your step when you're in your mom's basement. Shaking it crazy. Be careful going down those stairs, buddy. That's an actual hazard. If you're going to slip in your mom's basement, you could easily go down some stage stairs.

I'm surprised nobody fell up or down these tonight. I bet it's going to be me after the show, after warning every single person, overwarning them. I just fucking... So he's not the one that had the undeveloped baby and the little glass thing? I wasn't there when this thing happened.

And I'm pretty sure it never happened. No, it was. You're telling me somebody in this room has an undeveloped baby? Somebody out back showed me, like, yeah, I had a stillborn child and I dressed him in these little clothes. Shut the fuck up.

No, that's insane. No, there's somebody here that has it. No, really. That's insane. No, there's somebody here that has it. I'm sorry. Does anybody here have a... We're looking for a baby fetus. I should have probably talked about it. That's like uncomfortable. But he showed it to me and he had

this little outfit on. It was like a little blue outfit. Like a little tuxedo. It had a little glass thing. I thought it was him because he had this... Oh my god, I'm sorry. Whoever showed me that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it public like this.

That was fucked up. No, I mean, he's mourning in a weird way. I can't believe we have another show after this. I know. It's going to be epic. Guys, your final comedian tonight. Unfortunately, you know, guys, no Sarah Weinshank, no Kim Congdon.

They're little babies. They didn't have passports, and we didn't have the budget. But next time, if you tell all your friends, you know, if this thing keeps getting bigger like it already is... If we had money, we would do it. We would bring those bitches so you could all fuck them. Maybe somebody here can start a Kickstarter for the girls coming in next time. Or just start dating one of them

so that you can buy their plane ticket, and then we'll bring them. Fuck yeah, I know one guy sitting in the front row that would love one of those girls. Puerto Rican. Sarah Bastian has a good ring to it. Jewish butthole? Put your hands together

for your final comedian this evening, Sebastian Coever. Hey, dirty motherfuckers. How's everybody doing tonight? I brought a lot of pot with me but I didn't bring anything to smoke it with so in that seven minute smoke break I went out back, put it in my nostril, pulled out a lighter and did what I had to do. I had to delete my Facebook because I spent all my time jerking off to my friends.

Actually, that's not why I deleted Facebook at all. I had to delete it because, well, obviously, backing up a little bit. Yeah, I was masturbating looking at Facebook. But then I came across

that fucking BuzzFeed, you know? That shit's in all of your friends' newsfeed constantly all the time. And this thing said, the last 25 things a rapist said to me before he committed the act. And I went, holy shit! And I was still masturbating, though, so I was like,

fucking Facebook, I have to cut that shit out, I think, you know? I spent the first half of the little situation, actually, I was high as fuck sitting behind that bald guy wondering if that shadow cast by that weird lantern thing was his head. And I had no goddamn idea. I was pretty nervous before I came up here but there were those whole bunch of virgins that guy had a wife, that guy fucked an Asian girl.

Wow. That guy had a wife. That guy fucked an Asian girl. Wow. There you go. Fuck yeah. Sebastian Coeber. I like your style, man. So you jerk off to Facebook. Hey, who doesn't, man?

That's your thing. But you don't jerk off to just the pictures. No, I actually really do. You go right down the status updates. So you run across the BuzzFeed stuff even you don't jerk off to just facebook pictures like some rookie you like taking the damage that goes along with it like you're only in the freshest pictures and i think that's something worth acknowledging you know what i mean when you say the buzzfeed thing you know you got to get into that you're not just into that you look down the actual scrolling thing instead of just going straight for girls pictures fucking read the You know you got to get into that you're not just into that you look down the actual

Scrolling thing instead of just going straight for girls pictures. I can read the articles stumble across your friends You know you'll see a baby pic and you'll just have to fight the That's why I have to keep rolling hard, and you know you can't jerk off at their left And you can't scroll with your left Right anymore because I always use this to use the mouse. That's exactly what I was just saying right there. Oh shit, I'm sorry. What is this? Is this a Canadian repeating thing that happens?

I'll say, you can't say the chicken crossed the road, and they go, I know I can't say the chicken crossed the road. How many times have you been on stage? This is my first time ever. I knew it. You know what's great about you? Because you have thought about this before.

This has been like a huge daydream of mine. Right. A huge daydream. What the fuck does that mean? I just... Wait a second. Like everything else is a dream, but getting on my show is a daydream? What's that bullshit?

I've been daydreaming about this for so long. That's like something you don't want to, what does that mean? And you know what's great? Just say dream next time, Jesus. You know what's great is that you, you could totally tell from your, from your set that you had this idea and you wanted to do it. this idea and you wanted to do it and you were actually very comfortable on stage but i could tell that you had a pre-motive like like you wanted to talk and you wanted to do this and i think that you would yeah brian he signed up for the show uh he definitely wanted to do this no no no. But seriously,

I could tell that you wanted to do this before. I can see you doing this in the future. For the first time, that was brilliant because you actually have a message. You're not some retarded person that's just like, I want to do

stand-up comedy. I want to talk about teacups and stuff. You have like you have a message and I I'm sorry. I really appreciate that. I see a lot of people that have done comedy the first time, but

I could tell you have a passion behind it is what I'm saying. How old are you? I'm 25. What do you do? You look like you paint houses. I did, actually. Wizard, give him a fucking round. Come on!

Tony Henchcliffe, everybody. Who the fuck guesses paints houses? Kathy, you thought I was kidding. And then he goes, that's actually what I do. Come on. You know how much crowd work I had to do on random strangers to figure out? I mean, because that is a house painting hat, by the way.

You're pretty much ready to clock in. No, I do a lot of illustration and stuff, and I gave you a bunch of drawings that you pretended to take with you, but you probably just threw these in the trash. No, I'm sorry. Why would you do that, Tony? That's not true. No, it's not true.

Tony was lovely and said he would enjoy them. I don't know. You're a nice guy. That's it. Jesus. Thanks, Sebastian. I know I'm a nice guy. Shit. Yeah, you gave me drawings earlier, so you illustrate and you paint houses.

Well, I got a job this week. It was my first week being a chauffeur for a Volkswagen dealership, and after my first week, I went, holy fuck, I got a job this week. It was my first week being a chauffeur for a Volkswagen dealership. And after my first week, I went, holy fuck, I should really go with this stand-up idea dream. Because, man. It's the best job ever, man. I don't know what Toronto comedy is, but you can easily get a plane ticket to L.A. for $200. Stay at some bullshit.

Like, get a bunch of other Toronto comics that want to do it. $ at some bullshit. Get a bunch of other Toronto comics that want to do it. $20 airplane ride. Buy one of those cool LA $75 houses and then you're in. I've always been scared to be that dude looking for his dream on the

street. Dude, you can totally do anything you want. I totally understand what Brian's saying. You have a lot of pent-up fucking like creative energy in you it's like pouring out and we deal with so many people that we can clearly see that you're like you're like some horny retarded boy that's never jerked off before and like your nuts are just filled and you're just like i don't know what something going to relax me but I just don't know what it's going to be. You got a stronger fire than normal.

Yeah, man. You could be living your daydreams in no time. No, you guys read me really well. That's terrifying and I really appreciate the compliments. Thanks so much. Good job, everybody. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's how the magic happens.

Kill Tony number 77, live from Toronto. It just happened right in front of your very eyes. That was a fucking awesome show. Guys, we have some awesome posters and stuff that we're selling just outside of that door right after the show. Immediately after we're done dealing with all you guys, we have to hustle off to our next show. That's at the Comedy Underground. If you want to see us do comedy after all this shit. And you guys totally should.

You should just go right over there. It's a five-minute drive from here, and we're going to be doing stand-up after this. So it'll be like a crazy fucking butt-fuck night of comedy where you're just going to try to explain to your friends tomorrow exactly what you did the night before, and they're going to be like, what? You did the what with the same people that you saw the one thing, and then you went where?

It's great. And we are that good. You should come with us. You guys were an amazing crowd. I had so much fun with you. Ladies and gentlemen, the Canadian Patriot, everybody. By the way, Tony,

do you want to do this? Do you want to do this? Yeah, I do. Really badly. I've been waiting all day to do this. We are happy to announce that your Canadian Patriot, if you're wondering which part of Canada he's from, Ohio, everybody. Ohio!

It's NoSusquehanna on Twitter. Our good friend Jason, who helps out with our shows when we're anywhere around, not the West Coast. And Jason's the man. He's basically our East Coast Josh Martin all the way. Not Canadian at all, eh? That's right. He doesn't even speak American. I had so much fun

with all you guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you in the lobby. We'll take pictures and sign posters and things like that. Thank you. See you guys. and things like that. Thank you, Toronto. See you guys. Thanks. Outro Music Steps to the domains that have been drawn and sold you all of the resistance.